#okay also im hungry but i cant eat anything bc of various stupid reasons
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i just cried after doing the dishes because of my paws being in pain and because I feel like I'm being a terrible host because I'm kinda tired of my guests. I love spending time with them, but having to go to work, do my house chores, keep them entertained and fed, is just too much. And I feel like being overwhelmed makes me a horrible host. I didnt tell them anything, I'm trying to seem like I'm not that tired, but just because in my head I'm getting tired of all that, I'm bad. And yes I know that my thoughts don't make me bad, but that doesn't matter because while I know that I still feel like absolute piece of garbage. Because like, how could I even think of that. I'm supposed to be happy about them being here, and I am happy, but I am also constantly in pain and have to do everything around the house and it's just too much
#i feel so guilty for that but sometimes i wish theyd leave early even though they just came here#not because i dont want them to be around#i just dont want to have to do absolutely everything for them#but i have to. theyre my guests#i wish they lived closer so we could meet without all that exhausting bullshit#just. go get a coffee or pizza together every now and then#but since they live across the country they cant visit often so every visit has to matter#and what makes me even more guilty is that im mostly tired of my sister's boyfriend#i like him. but im tired#my sister is my everything and i would kill and die for her. she can do whatever she wants#but also she does whatever she wants. if shes hungry or thirsty she knows she can just grab anything she wants from the fridge or whatever#because shes family. she lived with us most of her life. our home is still her home#but her boyfriend is someone new to this place. he lives differently from us simply because he wasnt a part of our family until recently#technically he can do whatever he wants but i know how awkward can it be to rummage in someone elses fridge#and he shouldnt have to clean the place. because hes a guest#so while my sister is just living here for now i have to do everything for him#and because im already making a meal for him why wouldnt i do it for my sister?#i do it anyway when only she is visiting because i love her#you know honestly im just a better host when there's only one guest. its not that overwhelming#okay also im hungry but i cant eat anything bc of various stupid reasons#mostly just. i dont feel comfortable eating around people i don't know thay much#but also i feel like i cant eat anything if i dont give them that thing too. but they already ate something this evening#there wasnt enough of that meal for three people so i just made them food. but now i fant get anything else for myself#without giving them that thing too but theyre not hungry anymore bc they already ate#and I'm just too fucking tired to make anything for everyone#i want to just make myself some toast or sandwich without having to do a million of them#im just generally tired and hungry and overwhelmed and in pain and i feel so guilty for being those things#ough#bee buzz
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