UGH daigo who pretends to wanna see strip shows and go drinking as a 12 year old because he knows everyone around him isn't cool with him being a kid, so he tries to be less lame, to be more convenient. yeah, you can take me anywhere. in fact, you have to. i'll show you just how grown i am.

daigo who sheaths himself in black clothes, all bark and some bite, all dark and mysterious. all touch me and you'll get burned. playing hard to get. not that he doesn't want to be alone, but he sure as hell doesn't want to be lonely. and for that people have to like him. want to follow him. he's got to be a magnet. leave me alone, i'm not worth your time. so whoever picked him up from the gutter would really have to want him.

daigo who struggles to get his men in line as sixth chairman. daigo who only took the job because kiryu finally needed him. daigo who's never as good as the fourth chairman (who retired after a day, who never had to be chairman). daigo who never holds that against kiryu.

daigo who does what needs to be done, daigo who makes impossible decisions. daigo who rises to the occasion and swears in, daigo determined to be a better man than sohei ever was. daigo who sees the clan as his family, and tries to protect everyone in it. daigo who refuses to screw over kiryu's new family, and daigo who is shot for it. daigo who keeps the clan from tearing each other apart, whose absence brings out the worst in them. daigo who wakes up from a coma and saves kiryu and mine, daigo who comforts mine after, unable to even sit up properly. daigo who takes on a whole baseball team to protect his high school baseball team, daigo who's expelled and thrown in juvie for it. daigo who takes the hit because he knows he'll be yakuza someday anyway. daigo who protects his city. daigo who protects his men. daigo who works a way to offer his broke high school buddy millions of yen and another chance at his dream into his plans. daigo who shows his enemies mercy, daigo who rushes out injured to save the people who've helped him. daigo who tries to get kiryu off charges, who tries to push him to stay with his new family. daigo who loves his father fiercely, daigo who can be relied on. daigo who takes care of people.

daigo who kiryu gives the guidance he needs. daigo who kiryu pulls from depression, daigo who kiryu comes to rescue. majima comes back to the yakuza for, and kiryu who makes him, so he's not alone. daigo who shows mine what it means to care for others, why that's a trait worth dying for. daigo who mine feels he is not worthy of, daigo for whom mine sacrifices himself. daigo whom kiryu covers up mine's betrayal for because he didn't want to hurt him, and because mine was better than that. daigo who's forgiven for selling out majima, for getting caught in something stupid. daigo the "little chef". daigo who kiryu nearly jumps off a building to reach when he's shot, and saejima who holds him back. kiryu who leaves a letter for him, and not haruka, the always-chosen. daigo who's joined by saejima and majima when the tojo crumbles and they have to hide. daigo whose men follow him in the security company afterwards.

daigo who needed to be loved. daigo who loved anyway. daigo who was loved.

look i know the violence we saw from mine in y3 was largely caused by him losing daigo but i think it's way way funnier to imagine him doing regular tojo stuff with his beloved chairman and also being just an unfathomable and kind of unstable person only moments away from doing something drastic. like one good morning from rokudaime = one reset to mine's orphan-bulldozing doomsday clock

look i know dethklok is a quaint little menagerie of dudes with mad parental baggage (minus nathan he's in the control group) and that the fandom also gravitates towards those conflicts and themes and stuff because fuckin duh obviously but like. well. um. does anyone else get just like.. Absurdly emotional at murderface calling skwisgaar his strong and brave little soldier or is that just my particular brain poison

you go to a lesbian blog and find it says women only!! no men allowed!!! and go oh! excuse me, um, what about other lesbians? plenty of lesbians are genderqueer... and they go well, okay, go fuck yourself tim chop off your sweaty dick and stop calling yourself a lesbian. you do not have a dick, actually. you think about that fact often, even though it does you no good. you do not tell this person that.

you go to another lesbian blog and it says women only and you try again, and this time they change it to wlw + nblw only (non-men who love non-men :D). and you'll say hey i appreciate that but gender's not really that cut and dry for a lot of people. someone could be both a man and nonbinary, for instance. i just worry that you're looking at nonbinary as a generic third gender, or an extension of womanhood. i mean yeah you include nblw in your tags but all your posts are about pussy-havers exclusively. what's with that? and they say go fuck yourself you pervy man pretending to be a lesbian. you tried to sneak in but i won't let you.

so you go to a lesbian blog with a dozen or so posts about queer people needing to be more weird about it and you sigh in relief. but you still see the men dni. that's odd. hoping for the best, you say hey! i know you mean well but please maybe don't put men dni at the end of the lovely posts on your lesbian blog bc some lesbians are men. and they'll be like ok!! well you're allowed ;) and you say no that's not. no. some men are lesbians not just me. you think about your own dicklessness and wonder if that's why you were given entry. and you add that even if male lesbians are allowed, there's no indication of that. how would anyone know without asking? and they're like ohh gotcha gotcha well men dni + this is for sapphics only!! and you'll be like ok well that treats the concepts of men and sapphics as mutually exclusive identities and i just told you that's not true and you agreed with me so.. i don't think that solves our problem. and they're like. ok. fine. men dni but genderfluid and multigender people are allowed! and you're like no see that's. that's still the same thing.. you're saying the same thing just with different words. if you don't want men to interact but you're fine with multigender/genderfluid/etc ppl interacting then you either don't see them as Real Men (because they don't reach a standard of Full Manhood) or Complete Men (because they're only Part-Time Men), both of which suggest that they are, in some way, not men or less-than men, which is invalidating and defeats the point of the exception in the first place (accommodation) OR that you don't really mean the dni which is confusing and inconsistent and makes guydykes feel weird and uncomfortable and excluded from the lesbian space you're trying to cultivate. and they're like um. ok. so. cishet men dni? and you're like well i think that makes more sense, but what if someone identifies as both a cishet man and a sapphic? again, if we're trying to accommodate the genderfucky populace then that has to be a possibility that is considered. and they say god you people are never happy. what do you want me to do? what am i supposed to say to keep the right men out? and you pause. you empathize with the need for a space free from dudes trying to fuck you straight and feminine. dudes who watch lesbian porn and joke about what they'd do if they were allowed into girls locker rooms. who look at you like a piece of meat, and like someone who looks at women like pieces of meat in the same way he does. you get it. you know. you want a space where you can be sapphic, too. that's why you came to these blogs in the first place. you brace yourself and you say well i don't know that there are "right men" to keep out. i don't know that there's any single label that would accomplish whatever it is you're trying to accomplish. you could go for "sapphics only" or "queers only" and i think that might be the closest thing to what you want, but it's never going to be perfect. creating any exclusive space is going to shut out people you didn't account for, and the broader the label, the more people will be shut out that you didn't want to shut out. and what about people who don't know if they're allowed? what of questioning transbians, where are they supposed to go? and, frankly, i think i might rather my dykey posts get read and appreciated by a gay guy who sees me as a man than a woman who only sees me as a sacred womb, pure from male perversions or violence or whatever. i think community might just be more complex than a dni can handle. and they look at you and say i don't want to not have a dni. i think you're too permissive. you can't just "what about" or microlabel your way into everything. go fuck yourself, i bet you're not even a lesbian anyway. go find a real problem to get mad about.

you go to a lesbian blog. you ignore the men dni because you know you probably don't even count to them. or maybe you do count and, out of respect for your manhood, they'd shun you accordingly. you try to feel okay about that. you scroll past dozens of posts about mediocre men and gagging at straight friends' boyfriends and how gross and undeserving men are of the beautiful women they couple up with and how all women should be gay so they can get treated right and and and and and. you finally find a post about curling into someone you love and feeling at peace and try to lose yourself in it. you know that feeling is what unites you, what makes you belong. you try to focus on it. you think about carding your hands through a butch's hair or lacing fingers with a femme and feeling warm and loved and more yourself than you ever have before. like this is who you're meant to be. you read about lesboys and butch boytoys and genderfucky dykes and big hairy deep-voiced wonderful women (like you want to be someday, like you wish you could make yourself) and you try to ignore the men dni underneath each and every post. and you daydream about meeting someone kind and earnest at a lesbian bar even though you don't think any such bars exist within three states of you and you can't drink and don't want to drink because you need to be in control of yourself at all times so you don't fuck up like you're always about to and here in the nonexistent lesbian bar you feel wanted and safe and in good company. you picture your ideal, happiest self. it is a mistake. ideal-you has a goatee. not the mascara one you smear on and call drag even though you know it's not drag, not really, the beard you call drag because you think everyone would look at you sadly if you told them it was just to pretend you had something out of your reach. a beard that's soft and that you grew and that cannot be smudged away if you get too comfortable with it. the dream shatters. your people pull away from you, their scoffs mixing with the mind-numbing gay girl bedroom pop you learned to settle for just to have something that almost resembled you, they all pull away and turn their backs and do not look at you. you're too close to being a man now, even though you're the same amount of man as before. and they know you're not supposed to interact with men, not as you would with dykes, at least. and it sours. it's all your imagination, all in your head, but it sours.

you sigh. you think about how small you are. how short, how narrow, how feeble. how your voice pitches up when you talk to strangers because it's easier to speak quietly when it carries more, and because you're nervous. because it's a chore to talk, like everything is. you think about testosterone. you think about how your family would look at you, the questions they would ask, your answers they would only pretend to accept. the uncomfortable glances and whispered questions they'd try to hide from you. you think about how small you are, and how small you will always be. how you don't know of a way to fix it, but even if there was one, no one would want you anymore. you'd be the only one thinking it made you a cooler dyke. you think about how you don't even want a T-voice all the time, how you'll never be able to switch it at will, because you don't know how and can't bring yourself to figure it out. you think about how your throat closes around every hint of your own attraction. how wanting is perverse, how wanting is invasive, how wanting is embarrassing and too vulnerable so it must stay anonymous, as an online witness, and how you can barely manage to form or maintain friendships because your brain makes you pull away, always spinning out and struggling to recover from the simplest of interactions. how they'll all leave you and you won't chase after them at all and how that will hurt them. how stuck you get. how it looks like nothing's holding you back, how that frustrates everyone who thought you were going to be more than you were. the people you love who understand except when it comes to being ghosted, being shut out. how you don't want to hurt them. how you can't tell them that because you're stuck. how you turn to stone when touched, how you never reach out, how you lose your speech and can't look at people, how your autism is fun and sexy until it becomes real and you never see them anymore, how much you longed for someone who knew everything without you having to explain, and who loved you anyway. how unreasonable you know that is to expect of anyone. you think about that not-even-real lesbian bar. you think about how you still can't drive. how you can't leave your home on your own, without dragging somebody into helping you. how you can't leave your body. how you can't leave your manhood behind.

you think about finding another lesbian blog and ignoring everything. about skimming it for the parts you can juice some meaning from. the parts men ignore and don't understand, and how typical of you it is to do so. or the parts where you're not welcome and you should accept that, because it's for lesbians only. how you are a lesbian anyway. how you're meant to choose lesbian or man, how each is a betrayal of some kind to yourself or your people, your family, your lovely strangers, your rare friendly acquaintances. about the parts that tell you you're not wanted, that you're ugly and lazy and gross and insert yourself everywhere without even asking. about the parts that tell you you are hated, and how lesbians are above it all by rejecting men. how lesbians are each blessed miracles. about the parts that say you should be ashamed of being whatever twisted confused freak you are, of everything, of looking and wanting or not looking or not wanting, of picking and choosing instead of taking it all in with a smile. after all, shouldn't you take it? or is your ego too fragile, as men's so often are? aren't you tired? good. we're not here for your consumption. and we sure as hell don't want your company or "community" or whatever. didn't you read the sign? no boys allowed. and if you want to come in you have to make up your mind. as if you haven't told them the only answer you have. you're both. you're both.

you know you broke the rule by interacting.

but it gets lonely sometimes. you wonder if they know.

so the eikichi-centric kuwabara fic is going well

y'know that scene in kiwami/y1 where nishiki and kiryu finally reunite in serena and talk about mizuki's death and whatever? gonna talk about it rq

what i didn't remember was that nishiki still shows some loyalty to kiryu. he seems conflicted about it, though. when kiryu asks him if he hates him for not having lost the things that made people gravitate towards him (namely yumi. unspoken is the them choosing him over nishiki part of it), he says I don't even know. but I already betrayed you and kazama, so it's too late now. and i think if kiryu hadn't been so upset to learn that nishiki was the one who shot kazama, he would have assured him that it wasn't too late.

anyway the point of this meeting is for nishiki to try to get kiryu to give him haruka and the pendant, that he'll be good to him if he does, which he'll need in the middle of the tojo's war. he slips in little distant references to how they used to feel about each other, how nishiki probably still feels a little. warm. but kiryu tells him he doesn't care about the tojo conflict, nor the space nishiki carved out for him, nor anything he could offer him. that pendant means a lot to haruka (it's the only thing she has of her mother's, and now mizuki's dead it'll likely stay that way), and he's not going to take it from her. and nishiki says man i was prepared to welcome you back... but if that's how you're gonna be, we're not kyodai anymore. and i just.

kiryu chose haruka over nishiki.

whether or not that's true or fair to say, i think it's how nishiki perceives it.

hey im going to throw up. when do you guys think mine figured out he was in love with daigo. that he was sweet on him and it wasn't just admiration or loyalty likee. ggaughghhhh

kiryu you were not about to write that on your bucket list you lying faker you gay ass homosexual man

new fic out, real short, kiryu and haruka post-kiwami angst and failed hurt/comfort. dreadful shit and i have no idea if it's good. have fun <3

mannnn ok i've been waiting for the yyh fixation cycle to put me back on (!!!!!!!) rather than (thing i am so normal about but it's dormant) and it's taken a little longer than i expected and i was worried it was going away but i am happy to announce that WE ARE SO BACK BABYYY

hey do you think somewhere along the way kiryu realizes that he keeps picking haruka over daigo and like. thinks of nishiki and kazama. oughh

update i've written like. 3k words of the goromi encounter chapter tonight (for this fic). gonna keep at it but i thought y'all should know: yes it's been like 3 weeks, no i haven't forgotten about it. she's been marinating. i've been cooking up some good shit though and i'm SO SO SO excited to finally be getting to some parts of the outline that i just realized y'all aren't aware of yet. hehehehooohoo >:)))))

anyway hopefully it should be done within a couple days :3!!! thanks to everyone for their support so far, i swear i'll respond to the comments eventually. i look at them and giggle likee. embarrassingly often lol

playing dmc1 with my earbuds in (but on low volume bc they're being weird) while my roommate and her shitty bf argue. i feel like i'm recreating the very specific experience of some child of divorce out there

flirting with her by sending her videos of stuff where im giggling in the background

ok i lost the thread where i've been posting these but chapter update for i long for you and your expert hands finally eeeeeeaaaaa seven down one more to go!!!! probably

gonna start calling violence kinksters bloodsluts and i need everybody to join in!!