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silvershiningtarot · 10 months

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✨PAC18+ Channeled Messages From Your FS..... 💘💋💘

🪬Some of you say you wanted channeled Messages from your Future Spouses. But with more detail.💋 Thank You @fae-ngel for the details of the channel's message from y'all future spouses. If some of you guys feel offended about the religion thing don't read this. In the last pile. You can pick more than one pile. Remember this is a general reading.

👋🏽Hey baby, I hope that you are doing okay. I haven't been on my best behavior lately. I wanna tell you something, but I can't. For years I have been lied to. Cheated on and stabbed in the back. Since yesterday I got hurt by a friend. I almost got into a bad fight with one of my friends. I've been out drinking, partying, and smoking. Keeping myself distracted so I won't fucking hurt myself. So I want to cry 😭 so bad. But I can't. I hate that I have to keep a fucking smile on my face. I hate I have to deal with my responsibility without any fucking help. I need help. Not professional. But love help, nurturing help, and support help. I wish someone who is right now out there to help me. But there isn't. I know I can't quit my job. How am I supposed to feed my kids? Feed my family, feed my team. Of course, feed myself. Every time I tried to get a little piece and quiet to myself. Somebody or something always gets in the way. This fucking ex of mine is always on me. Yeah, I know it's my fucking fault. But hell I'm trying. I know I keep getting robbed and played by her. But I won't lie to you. I don't like to be alone. I get scared when I'm alone. I know right, the person who's complaining about wanting to be alone. I don't like to be with my thoughts. It is scary sometimes. You get it right! I've lived in darkness my whole life. Until my kids came along. But still... These thoughts, and memories. It’s scary. That's even half of the shit. I'm telling you about. Anyways, let me tell you something.. I've faced a lot of challenges in my life. Face them!! I did. I dream about you constantly, so my question is this. When are you going to come to me? I've been waiting and waiting for you. I know it sounds impatient. But I am❗. Whatever you go through right now or for a while. Fight that shit. Close your eyes and pretend I'm there fighting with you not against you. Because whenever I close my eyes can see it. You are with me every single time. Fighting my life with me. I know I go thinking that your energy is in my ex. But it isn't but it isn't. Okay, don't be mad at me! I can feel your anger when I said that. Haha 😂. Baby, you should go out and date other people. You shouldn't wait on me. That's kinda fucked up for you to wait on me. While I'm stuck! I should ask myself this! To My future wife! Should I keep you stuck with me? Tuh Hell NOO!! I wouldn't want my daughters to be waiting on some dude they haven't met yet. I haven't met you yet... Ooh, I have a song for us. That's a song I'm dedicating to us. I hope you like it. I just haven't met you yet. Once I do! I'll be screaming 🙀 saying YAY!!!!!!!! FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You take my breath away every time I see you in my dreams. The sad part is when I wake up early in the rising... That's right I said Rising! I took your word!! Haha 😂 anyway, when I get up I can't remember your face. Do you honestly think about me? Answer these questions for me. I'm serious Comment it down if you have to. How come you don't invite me back into your dream? What's keeping you from me? Did I do something wrong? I hope that didn't. Maybe, you should talk to me in the middle of the night. With your lights off and just call me in. I bet I'll come to you in a heartbeat. I mean Duh, I am your husband. Well not yet! I hope I can be your husband. It would be an honor to be your husband. This life, the next life, in the stars.. Or whatever I hope I come down being your husband or wife forever. I am your partner. You know what so fucking funny! I think you send me a message in my dream. But fucking deadasss!!! For the life of me, I can't remember! Do you get like that? But For the real answer. The funny thing is. I am crazy about you but again I haven't met you yet. I know you probably won't talk to me! But hear me out. Don't be mad. Please, please 🙏🏾 I won't forgive myself if you are mad at me for this. Hold up let me get myself together. Okay, (clear throat) I told my ex about you. I told her I fantasized about you when I'm sleeping with her. When she was kissing me I wiped that shit off fast.

Whenever her back is turned I wiped her lips off of me. These lips 💋 are yours. My body is yours. But again, I am sorry for the wait but I ain't sorry that you got to wait. I know it sounds harsh. Let me tell you why!! Because your mind, body, heart, and soul are mine. That isn't fair to someone else to have to take it from me. I'll hunt them down if anyone touches you. Even from a far distance, I'll still hunt those dudes down if they ever try. So yeah I haven't been on my best behavior. Now you know why. Anyways, I love you darling. Remember that's your name always with me... Darling.

🌟Hello, my cupcake.

How's my cutie doing? I just wanted to tell you thank you. Thank you for still believing in us and our connection. You holding out strong. I've never had anyone who holds out like that. Thank you. I am dating around. Just putting myself out there. My advice to you is don't check up on me. Don't check up on me on social media, videos, or anything. I want you to start dating yourself. I want you to focus on yourself. So we both can become a little closer🙏🏾. It seems that you were afraid of me. I came to you into your dream today. Don't you remember? But you kept swerving around. So I stop following you for a minute. Until you called out my name in my dream. Only you know who this is. Keep it to your chest. The reason why I say date yourself is because I'm scared for you to find someone that's out there for you. You'll forget about me. I know I never experience someone like you and you never experience someone like me. Are you ready to? I feel like I kinda am ready to experience someone like you. I wanna get to know you a little bit more. Your energy and your spirit are here with me. I know it is your spirit next to me. I can feel it next to me. I told you a little bit about my past. I've cried to you. I am so comfortable with you. You know what's so funny... You always lay on me in your dreams. I can tell that you are comfortable with me too. Shush 🤫 that's a good thing. I'm glad you didn't judge me for my past. The mistakes I've made. You let me tear it down. Thank you. Do you know how special you are? I feel that you've been through a lot. Oh, damn! When you laid on me. I didn't just cry because of my past. I've cried to you too. Are you ready to start a new life with me? A new family with me. Our marriage, relationships, and our kids. Are you ready to be my wife/husband? Ask yourself this baby. It is scary once we are in it together. It's going to be hella fucking scary. But one thing I know today is that we will have each other. I haven't met you yet. But one thing is. I wanna dedicated a song to you real quick. Listen to both songs. I'm serious. They are for you, baby. Slowly listen to my words. Let my words from my song speak to you. Just as your present speaks to me. Your spirit talks to me all the time. I talk to myself all the time. I never thought in my life, I felt this way about you. The closer I'm getting towards you. I can feel you getting stronger. I'm not joking about this. I know I may sound 📢 crazy. I'm being honest with you. Anyways, I'm done talking right now. I'm assigning you homework. Those two songs give you! You better tell me what these songs mean to you. I can feel our connection getting stronger and closer. But of course, I keep thinking it was someone else. But it isn't. I know it's you. I just have to convince myself more.

🧑🏾‍❤️‍💋‍🧑🏾oh my sweetheart.

Have you been eating? I can see you putting on weight. I've been watching you left to right. How's your family doing? You told me you've been dealing with a lot of toxicity. So have I. The reason why is that my mother has been lying to me. She kept a lot of secrets from me. That I haven't even known. She told me things I wish no man or any child had to experience that shit. I felt that my mother wasn't sure about having me. I guess I was a third-party child. It was a one-night stand when she had me. But anyway, let's talk about us. I want to say to you that... You are the most important person in my life. I know I’ve kept talking about my mother. But she told me that you're nothing but a fantasy I'll never get to meet you. Never! You hear that bullshit. I tried telling my friends and other people but they laugh at me. I feel completely alone. Can you talk to me? Can I have a moment of your time? Just for a moment. Don't worry I don't live with my mother she lives with me. Even if I did live with my mother. Would you still date me? That's not the point but I'm sorry for feeling all insecure about us. I know I am the one who's holding us back. I've been wishing that you were right here by my side. Can we run away together once we meet? Please. This distance I can't deal with it. Can just two people who are meant to be just be together? That isn't fair, right? Don't you agree with me? Anyways, my shining light 💡. You light up my world when I think about you. When I talk to my boss and friends or even be on dates with different women I've been zoning out from them. Because they are boring as hell. Like ugh, I wanna have a real conversation with you. I wanna talk to you. I feel like the universe is holding us back. I'm about to say fuck it! Say, let's go ahead and find each other. I don’t care if I have to push through people and other forces get to you then I fucking will. I am tired of being patient here. What do you have to do? What do I gotta do? I am sorry for the yelling and the frustration. But I am frustrated. Anyways, this is what I'm going through. Don't worry everything will be perfect once we both lock eyes with each other. Everything is coming together soon.

💘Ahh, are you Cupid? Because baby your arrow shoot my heart 💘. I wanna tell you my name. But I think you know my name already. Think harder and look deeper. I know a lot of women think I'm very handsome and charming and have a lot of women coming after me. Which I do. But guess what though. You swept me off my feet. The only person I wanna chase after is you. I don't know how you do it but you just do. I love how you shot fire with your words. The way you way rap, move your body, and the way you maneuver your words. God! That shit is fucking sexy. I know I should speak the lord's name in vain. However, I ain't burning in hell. Unless you coming with me. Then I'm alright with that. My health has been up and down lately. In and out of the hospital 🚑 left to right. But don't give me your sympathy. I don’t fucking need it. I know It sounds like I don't open up. But I don't. But you!! YOU!! I don't know what kind of spell you put on me. I've tried to run away from you, ignore you, block you out of my head, dreams, and energy 🔋. You are so goddamn strong. Tell me! What makes you so powerful? What do you do? Are you a witch? If you are then cast me a spell right in front of me. I don't believe in magic ✨ but for some damn reason! Boom 💣 here you come. I won't lie to you. I wanna fuck you. You are drop-dead gorgeous. But even from a distance, you torture me. I don't know if it is a good thing. So it's a good thing. No matter how hard I've tried to forget about you, there you are. It's like ugh, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME?! tell me now! It's such a good feeling. I don't know how to describe this feeling. Maybe it's lust between you and me. Maybe, the truth is. I'm falling for you from a distance. I've fucked so many women just to stop thinking about you. But you won't go away from me. I hope that you know this. Honestly, you did this to me. I hope you are happy. You got me a simp for you. I talk to a psychic just to get you out of my mind, heart, and body. When I lay in bed. I can feel your head and skin on me. Especially, when you are out of the shower 🛁 😂😏😏😏. I'm a horny guy/girl. I'm always horny. But you made me feel like I'm a changed man/woman. I don't even know yet! Whatever you are doing!! Cut it out! Because I will find you❤️ I've got a lot of money 💵 I'll find you I don't know how but I will. The second I rest my head, you come straight into my dreams. You fucking siren! It's your voice and your entire aura pulls into your arms. Nah! I'm a master. Don't tell anyone this keep this between you and me. You make me weak. I can feel my bones 🦴 weak. Ugh, it's sad that you aren't here yet. So whatever you are doing!! I want you to..... Keep doing it. 🫦🫦🫦🫦🫦.

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herd-reject-arts · 2 months

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So I started a new job recently under the assumption that tips were consistently several hundred dollars per night. I'm being scheduled 4 days a week and making about $400 a week. My bills per month are approaching $2000. I just realized insurance on my truck comes out of my account in 2 days as well. In total, I have about $800 to my name. This will cover my car payment ($307), utilities (around $150), phone ($75), and insurance ($260) only. My rent is $1100. My credit card (just gas) is usually $100. I've applied to so many jobs that pay hourly instead of based on tips and hand gotten no calls back. I'm supposed to be starting part time at the Post Office nearest me, but that's not until next month and by then rent will be overdue. If I keep getting tipped like I have been, I'll get about $800 more this month. Which is still a couple hundred short of what I need, and that number excludes food. Who needs to eat anyway? In this economy?!

So I'm doing free shipping on any orders over $50 in my shop through the end of April using the code below. I haven't been this scared that I won't be able to make ends meet in my adult life. I'm usually pretty good about making shit work, but I'm stuck where I'm at right now and nothing I do is helping with tips. I'm talking consistently being given tables who are clearly already mad who will order $250 in food and tip me $15 kinda shit. I haven't eaten anything but ramen and whatever I can sneak out of the kitchen at work in 2 days because I'm trying to prepare for food scarcity. Anything helps. If I lose my apartment I'm homeless and will have to live in my car with my cat and dog.

Apply free shipping to orders over $50 with the promo code "Freeship ".

#vulture culture #bone #vc #skull #bones #dead #oddities #skeleton #art #jewelry #website #my art #sale #art sale #queer artist

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kakujis · 1 year

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hello! i hope u’re doing well and i really adore ur work, keep going! i was wondering if i could req chifuyu x fem!s/o who has a male friend she thought of him as her best friend until he started to hit on her and give her weird looks and stuffs /tries to flirt w her but she thought she was just thinking abt it too much and didnt want to say anything since she hates confrontations and thought she’s probably just being paranoid abt it but then chifuyu notices it so he does something about it? (i’m sorry if this is too specific or too weird, feel free not to write it if it’s too much! and if it is, i apologize for that!) have a nice day/evening<3

hi nonnie! i'm sorry this took me literally 2 months oops. please forgive me!!! anyways, here it is! i hope it's to your liking! since it's sfw minors can rb + like, but please don't follow or else i'll have to block u ):

warnings: fluff, one-sided pining, f!reader, violence (chifuyu knocks him out lol), final timeline!

wc: 1.1k

“i’m sorry, could you repeat that?”

chifuyu cocked his head, he couldn’t help listening intently, you were only outside the store door. it was like this everyday, your best friend would show up on your break time and spend all 30 minutes with you. chifuyu didn’t mind as long as you went back to work and didn’t bother the customers, but he found himself tuning in lately, noting the troubled look on your face when you would walk in.

“I said,” your best friend started, “you look really cute in that apron, you should wear it more often.”

you scoffed, “you mean, my job uniform?”

“it doesn’t have to be this apron,” he says, looping one finger underneath the strap, “it could be any. like.. a maid apron or something!”

you step back, gently pushing away his hand. something in you flipped, you felt it in your stomach, heavy and uncomfortable. you were unsure of him lately, maybe it was the way he was calling you more often, or maybe it was the flirtatious comments. there was, however, one thing in particular that bugged you, and it was the way he’d try to hold your hand as the two of you would walk home together. but still, maybe you were just being paranoid? best friends hold hands all the time… right?

you open your mouth, struggling to find the words to say, until a familiar head pops out from the store.

“time’s up,” chifuyu says, shooing away your friend with his hand. “get back to work.”

you nod, feeling a sense of relief as you give an awkward side hug to your friend and scurry back in without looking back.

“i’ll pick you up after-” your friend tries to say, but you’re already inside, hands clammy as you take your place behind the counter.

chifuyu follows you in, noting your fiddling hands and your eyes glued to the floor. “you okay?” he asks, grabbing a dustpan and broom.

you nod at first, before sighing and shaking your head. “can i ask you a question?” you start, before shaking your head once again. “actually, nevermind.”

chifuyu pauses, before shrugging and giving you an “okay.”

the rest of the day moved by in a breeze, it was a slow tuesday. you spent most of your shift cleaning and taking care of the kittens. you loved your part time job. working at peke j land was the best part of your day, the little kitten licks you’d receive each day was enough to get you by the stuffy customers and otherwise long hours. you were hired as a temp worker to fill in for another employee, baji, who was stuck crunching for his college finals.

as the sun dwindled down over the horizon, you put your apron back in your locker. before you walked out from the back room, you felt that familiar uncomfortable feeling. your best friend was going to take you home today. you texted him earlier, telling him you’d just catch the bus home since you were staying pretty late. he texted you back but you didn’t wanna see his response, leaving it unopened. hopefully, he wouldn’t show up. you peered over your shoulder, as your boss typed away on a laptop, probably business emails.

you wanted to ask him if he’d drive you home today, hoping to avoid your friend. but you stopped yourself, reasoning that you shouldn’t mix personal issues and work.

“i’m heading out, chifuyu! see you tomorrow.” you said, giving a small wave to his back.

“oh,” he says, before he swivels in his chair, grabbing his keys. “you want a ride home?” the laptop closes with a click as he gets up.

“you don’t have to..” you start, thumbing the strap of your back.

chifuyu shrugs, “the guys have been getting on my case for staying late anyway,” he jingles the keys in his hand. “let’s go?”

“okay,” you say, shyly moving out of the way.

it’s not terribly awkward to walk out with him, following close behind him. it’s reassuring, until you hear a familiar voice.

“hey, y/n!” it’s your friend, who seemed to have been waiting for you, getting up from his spot on the sidewalk. his smile falters when he sees the two of you, glancing between you both before extending a hand out which you shy away from.

he’s perplexed to say the least when chifuyu ignores him and says, “my car’s out that way.” pointing down the street. you nod, eyes glued to the floor as you mutter out, “chifuyu’s taking me home, you can go now.”

your friend steps out, blocking your path. “you’re coming home with me, i take you everyday.”

you shake your head harder, “no i texted you…”

“and i texted back letting you know i was coming back anyway.” he cuts you off, clear irritation in his voice. you’re shrinking, farther back as he steps forward and chifuyu’s had enough.

he sighs, “kids like you are so fuckin’ annoying.”

“excuse me?” your best friend asks, voice incredulous, “what did you just say?”

“i said,” he reiterates, using his finger to push back on the other man’s chest, “kids like you are fucking annoying.”

your friend scoffs, before grabbing your arm, “let’s go y/n, we’re leaving.”

“wait-“ you start, trying to plant your feet so that you won’t get dragged off. but he’s much stronger than you and you stumble forward anyway.

you feel a hand on your other wrist and turn back to see your boss holding onto you, before he steps in between the two of you.

“back off man,” your friend warns, clearly ready to do something stupid.

“y/n, do you wanna go with him?” chifuyu asks, eyes staring straight through you and only you, as if your friend wasn’t even there.

you look between the two of them before you shake your head. “no, i’d like you to take me home..”

“then there’s your answer.” chifuyu says, looking back at him. “don’t bother her anymore.”

perhaps it was ego that fueled your friend to swing his fist, but chifuyu was faster, too many nights spent sparring with kazutora, baji, and more had him well equipped for this. you winced hearing the connection of fist to jaw, the crack of bone, and the thud of a body on the pavement.

“alright, now we can actually go.” he starts walking off towards the direction of his car, before looking back at you. “you comin’?”

bewildered, you look at chifuyu, then back at your friend’s unconscious body, then chifuyu once more before asking, “um, we’re just gonna leave him there?”

chifuyu shrugs, “he’s a big boy, he’ll be fine.”

#tokyo revengers #chifuyu matsuno #chifuyu matsuno x reader #chifuyu matsuno x you #chifuyu mastuno x y/n #tokyo revengers fluff #pibby writing #i wasnt gonna write so much but i really did oopsie

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burned-lariat · 2 months

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Dex Heller is a sad, sad creature.

I've talked at length about how underwritten he is and how little the writers care about one half of a couple they supposedly really, really like. I've also talked about all the wasted potential he has and how he's a glorified Benson prop. But this one's gonna be different because after watching Friday's scenes, I find something quite...nasty in what Dex has become.

So, according to Dex, his two elder brothers beat him up constantly and hospitalized him more than once. His parents were bystanders throughout all of it. And with his parents specifically, with his philandering father and "cowardly" mother, he had a shitty image of love presented to him. While it would be logical for him to think that 1) betrayal and hurt equates to love, and 2) no one will save him - he needs to save himself because of his upbringing, he's actualized that his childhood was, indeed, shitty. So one would think he'd make sure not to emulate a single second of that (AKA one would think he got help/therapy and healed as well as he could).

Friday's scenes...they were rancid. It made feel a bit ill.

Like Dex, I grew up in a terrible household. My upbringing was all about survival, specifically from an emotional standpoint, and I'm still reeling from it to this day. It's affected my mental well-being (duh), my relationships with people, everything important like that. And with those desperation scenes, of having Dex willing to martyr himself so openly so to not cause further pain, I understand it just a tiny bit and I'll give EH a kudo or two for an attempt to display that desperation.

But here's the thing - what Dex claims he can't without is the thing that hurt him all those years ago.

Josslyn was never good to Dex. She belittled him and his thoughts/feelings, stalked him, talked down to him, guilted him, played on his fears of getting caught to keep him attached to her, went behind his back and disrespected his wishes, literally almost killed him, and has as much pleasantry as nails on a chalkboard. Dex is an abuse victim stuck in another abusive cycle, and this show treats it as romantic foreplay. This couple never got actual development. They got a plethora of sex scenes, which is fine if they were meant to be fuckbuddies, but not fine if they're meant to be a real love story. They need actual development beyond sex and that never happened. The "I love yous" and the arguments about needing each other to live are flat and empty because there's no grounded support.

Hearing Dex say that no one loves him like Joss does, that he can't lose her and she makes his life worth living...it just hurts my soul.

I hear that and think about how abused he was, how the only difference between that and how she treats him is the physical violence (or lack thereof). I think about how she harassed him when he didn't want the PCPD involved after the meat hook. I think about her giving him an infection when she didn't back off and adamantly refusing to get him proper help until the last second. I think about her trying to get him fired from his job with Sonny and how she barked at his disapproval, on top of how quickly he forgave her when he was right to be mad. I think about how she disregarded his feelings on working for Sonny and how sick he felt when Sonny got arrested, and expressing contempt for that to his face. It's all these things and more that make the case that she doesn't love Dex as a person. She loves what he can do for her benefit.

We kind of get what Joss sees in Dex, but we don't get what Dex sees in Joss. Her treatment of him is poor, and she hasn't made any concerted effort to genuinely get to know him outside of plot-forced moments (not to mention how she doesn't care/like it anyway). One could argue he sees the same thing Joss sees (sex), and if that's the case, then there is something fairly wicked and depraved for a man closer to thirty to want a barely legal girl like that. I'd know - I was that girl at one point in time. That doesn't make him a romantic lead, it makes him someone who needs to be monitored.

Any which way you slice this, it's not good. You have a Dex who is a bit of a creep (to be nice) and/or a Dex who loves a version of the abuse he claims to despise. This character has been so underwritten, so regressed as a functional player and it's a miracle he's lasted so long. Like I said in a completely separate rant, I've come to resent what Dex Heller has become, and that hasn't changed. If anything, I also feel disgusted by what these writers have done to him, and the end of their scripts can't come soon enough.

#general hospital #yeahhhhh this is a long one but hopefully you read it!!#and this is part 3 of my formal rant #all of this garbage has plagued us for far too long #and while this angle is interesting as someone who can kind of get it #it's still very very gross and this writing is very gross #and obviously dex saying joss makes life worth living is another prop job #as all the benson love interests are w their words and actions #but knowing what we know on top of what i have experienced - there's something so so dark about this #and idk if they hate EH or the audience (they do) more or if it's equal for both #this is foul. so so foul.

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elderlingacademic · 8 months

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Update

So, tumblr just saw fit to tell me that this blog is now nine years old, which is... wild and strange to me. It's been a long time since I've been on it, and some of the posts are still getting notes, so I thought I'd stop by with a catch-up on how things are.

So:

I've finished my PhD. The process was bad enough to make my mental health plummet to previously unseen depths (for me, anyway), which is why I dropped off the face of this earth blog. I managed to pass with technical corrections only, which is a huge achievement that I think one day I might figure out how to feel about, but it's too soon right now.

My mum has read it, and thought it was very good - I'm hoping sometime (it's gonna be years, but) to be able to reread it with a clear head and appreciate it. Same with Realm of the Elderlings, honestly.

End of PhD meant some big life changes, some of which I'm still in the middle of. I live in a different city now, and I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, because academia is no longer the answer.

I guess for the last year since I finished I've been wanting to post something about this but trying to work out how, and I think that the core of it is this: it is okay for things to not work out how you expected. If you are neck-deep in academia right not, it is not the whole world, I promise you. I finished my PhD, but I seriously considered quitting, and I still don't think that would have been the wrong decision. (Neither was carrying on. They were both acceptable options, no matter how fraught I felt about them at the time).

We are taught to view our lives like a kind of funnel - we start with a plethora of options, and then we narrow down further and further until we specialise (oh we might have other unrelated hobbies, but the core of it is Our Thing). But that's not how that works, that's not how any of this works at all. The world is wide. I can choose anything now. I mean, most of the things I've thought of so far I don't actually want to do for various reasons, but I know myself well enough to know that I'll figure it out eventually. If I just let it simmer in the back of my head, and give it time. You don't have to know the answer; in a way, you are the answer, if that makes any kind of sense.

I stuck with the job that I picked up part time to fund my PhD, and took it full time. It's definitely not a forever option, but it was a blessing to be in a new city, strangely liberated from the PhD that took up eight years of my life (and the general academia that took up the majority of my whole life before then), and doing something I already knew how to do. It's helping rebuild my confidence, and I know that whatever come next is going to be something I can make something of.

I hope that's not so rambly as to be incoherent; regardless, I'm glad I wrote it. I do still see asks on this account, so if you ever have any queries about academia (not the technical side, but what it feels like to get through sometimes), let me know. I can't promise quick answers, but I'll try to answer most things.

I hope you are all well, and thank you for the notes that remind me this blog still exists - a testament to the love and enthusiasm I had for this project at the start, and that I still hope to rediscover some day.

#PhD Progress #Blog Maintenance #academia

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abrushwithdeath · 5 months

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((Hey! Again, just wanted to say that I'm still alive ^^; As I said before, the interview went really well last week. Got my fingerprints done on Thursday morning. Had a call back yesterday morning. Tomorrow I have to go fill out some paperwork at 1, then, after that's finished, I could start working literally any time. It's going to be shorter shifts at the start, and it's only a temp / sub position (though it could turn to full time in the future) so, for now, I'll probably be working quite a bit / nearly full time until the person I'm covering for comes back. Then it's kind of... work whenever they need me. Which means probably having to get a second part time job just to be safe ^^; But hopefully that won't happen until well after Christmas.

Anyway- I can't make any promises about when I'll get to stuff, I've been trying to gather things up to put in my drafts to do when I have motivation. But for right now, between the move, unpacking, holidays, visiting family, babysitting (which has been, like, 3 times in the past week alone and the kids are great but they're 3 and 5 so... yeah, it can feel like a lot), and having been at least mildly sick for the last 3 weeks straight... I've just had a lot of brain fog and not a lot of motivation to write. However-! I'm trying to get back into READING, which always helps me get back into WRITING when I'm stuck! I just have to find a book that'll hook me enough that it gets my brain reeling again! (I'm also gonna try to sit down tonight and just WRITE a little, even if it's just short replies, so here's hoping that helps! Sometimes I just have to force myself to write some ^^;)

So, yeah! Book recs are always appreciated (though I can't promise I'll be able to read everything that's recommended because I have very limited $ right now), as are song recs (sometimes songs give me fun ideas~) Also, seriously, 1,000,000,000% always feel free to toss plot ideas / AU ideas / ship songs or playlists / whatever my way because they get my brain going sometimes! I know I've not been especially chatty lately, but I promise that I'm at least READING everything you send! So don't hold back! Sometimes all it takes is one fun little idea to get my mind running enough to start writing again xD

Love you guys! I hope your December is going well <3))

#ooc.#((This is in NO WAY saying that you have to throw ideas at me mind you! I just mean that-#if you have ideas already and you've been worrying about bothering me or whatever with them because I've been so absent-#don't be! Send 'em my way! I always WANT to write the cogs in my head are just jammed and any little thing helps to get them moving xD))

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sparklingpax · 1 year

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“Don’t be scared” with Optimus saying it to someone please

From this!! (Requests still open actually....^^'')

HIIII ok ok so, I'm not exactly sure if this was what you were looking for, but after ages of thinking and contemplating ideas, this popped into my head all of a sudden!! So....I hope you enjoy???

And of course, I am deeply sorry for the wait..............idk if it's even good at all *sobs* but I enjoyed writing it in the sense that it was like...something I needed to write. Something meaningful to me. So...yea.

-Set in canon

-there are DEFINITELY typos and weird stuff like that.....I'm really really sorry 😭 I'll see it at a later date when I do a read-through editing session days from now I bet 💀 anyways yea.

-We definitely needed more moments of Optimus interacting with the kids. He definitely would be like a gentle, comforting, fatherly figure idk

-Also touching on the HC I have & love, that the kids all think of the base as their home more than where they actually live.

....enjoy...?

///

Miko flicked a pencil to the edge of her desk, then back again, staring off into the distance. In front of her, one kid was passed out and snoring, and another two were trying to have a conversation made entirely of discrete (not really) gestures and facial expressions. The elderly teacher overseeing them was hidden behind a huge newspaper, and Miko wondered if, after this past half hour, he was even awake anymore.

Bulkhead’s like, apparently too busy to come get me, so…I’m stuck here.

The multiple calls she tried to make behind her physics textbook had all gone to voicemail, so she could only guess he was out on a mission or something at the moment. She sighed and abruptly swiped up the pencil, switching to tapping its point on the desk as she let her mind drift to other things.

Like how boring detention already was, and how it was somehow even worse when she actually sat the full duration of it.

It’s not fair! It’s not like I committed a crime–I even did the damn vocab test! What else do they want?!

Another huff and she folded her arms, leaving the pencil alone on the desk.

She could guess the teacher probably hadn’t appreciated her artistic endeavors on the back. Sure, it was a unflattering depiction of half the teacher in the school in unfortunate situations, but it was still funny, quite well-drawn, and deserved!

A loud snore and the sound of folding paper sounded from the teacher’s desk.

Is he…?

Miko looked up at the teacher’s desk to see their overseer was in fact, dead to the world at present. His paper hung limply from his hand, jaw open just a little.

Who wouldn’t be bored in a place like this?

The other kids seemed not to notice or care, only one briefly blinking up at Miko, then putting their head down again. It didn’t matter if they shouted anyway, cause Miko made her way out quick. Grinning, backpack strap in hand, she slipped out into the hallways, and promptly bolted.

As she jogged down the front stairs and into the sidewalk, she was glad to find no one in sight. With a triumphant laugh, she nodded to herself and resolved to simply hang around town until someone returned her calls.

It couldn’t be too long, right?

That meant her only job now was to keep busy until then. No biggie! She knew the town, had a couple dollars.

It was about dinner time, anyway.

Maybe Jack’s working his shift at that K.O. Burger place! I’ll go bother him while I get dinner, she thought, smirking.

She turned and practically skipped down the sidewalk.

///

‘The number you have dialed is not currently in–’

Miko jammed the ‘end call’ button with her thumb, swallowing.

The sky was no longer a pinkish blue hued with orangey glow, but now a thick tarp of navy and black. The moon was not out tonight, and everything was closed.

As she exhaled, Miko's breath formed soft white shapes in front of her face, before delicately drifting up and fading.

“Eighth time,” she muttered, huffing sharply. “Pick up, dammit.”

It was something of a mix of both frustration and apprehension stiffening her motion. She felt her heart pounding louder and louder with every passing moment, her mind just barely keeping itself at bay.

Deep breaths. Breathe in, breathe out, in, out, in…..

He’s not coming. He’s not picking up. Bulkhead forgot. He…

No, he couldn’t. That was irrational.

She started to shift weight from one side to the other, staring at her phone, then the open road in front of her. Miko opened her phone again, thumb hovering over the keypad for a moment before her hand fell to her side and she thrust her gaze to the barren sky above. She tried again to breathe deeply.

He’s busy. They’re busy.

She slid it into her coat pocket, but kept her hand in the pocket, gripping the device. Somehow, that seemed to calm her nerves a small amount. The jitters making her movements so sudden seemed to lift, only by a little. Uneasiness still hovered its fingers around her, as if to strike again when she least expected it.

It’s only 2 am. I can manage. Why do I care?

The sound of a voice shouting in the distance followed by a loud clang gave uneasiness its chance almost instantly.

With a groan, Miko felt her bones ache with fear and her breath grew so short her stomach started to hurt. Dreading the loss of her cheap but delicious dinner, she backed away from the road and leaned against the brick wall of some antique shop before sinking to a crouch.

She found herself trying to keep a relatively flat look on her face, as if aiming to maintain some composure.

But she was alone. Why did it matter how she looked?

Her situation wasn’t impossible—probably a lack of communication on different accounts; Jack hadn’t been at the burger place, so he was probably busy somewhere. She was supposed to go home with her host family after detention, but…well, that was the past. And now, no one would pick up, not even let her leave a message.

What if something had happened? And then, what would it be?

Calm down, Miko. You can’t act like this. You’ve seen zombie-cons and the guts—cables?—pulled right outta guys Bulkhead fought. You��ve almost been killed, crushed…you’ve been in the dark, you’ve been alone before!

But perhaps that was it, she realized, dropping her head and clenching her fist methodically—open and closed, open and closed—sucking in shaky breaths, trying to calm down. Trying to steady it all out, while her mind seemed to bump up the speed to the max.

Maybe it was too much all the time, all at once, disregarding the part of her that had already had enough when Miko thought to push on. Put on a laughing face, brush it off like it didn’t matter—nothing mattered.

That was what she always did, right? Wasn’t consistency important? Was she a liar for being so scared? It wasn’t exactly being alone in the dark that scared her. Not even being in this sketchy part of town by herself…

Where are they? Where is everyone?

Maybe it was also the suddenness of this fear, the seeming culmination of so much she hadn’t quite considered as deeply—every single thread of thought demanding her attention and her body simply ceasing proper coordination and control. Something she hadn’t anticipated because it was always there in the background, but kept tightly under lock and key.

Where was the lock and key? Why was this happening? The questions only darkened the feelings bounding about inside like sparks of electricity.

The darkness and emptiness of the town seemed to press at her, tightening her nerves and causing her arms and legs to feel like jelly all at the same time. She was shaking.

And regardless of how much her sensible, conscious mind reminded her that if she was alone, it meant alone, her subconscious breathed over and over, over and over….

Someone’s there. Someone’s coming. Someone…no control…you have no control of what’s coming for you…no one remembered you, did they?

Then, as if fate’s answer to the question, she heard a horn honk down the road.

At first, her heart skipped a beat—sudden noises in the silence when she was having a low moment weren’t so helpful—but her mind registered instantly.

And as quickly as it had overtaken her, the fear left, and she felt the shaking in her body intensify—probably out of muscle exhaustion this time.

Suddenly, the cold ache left her, replaced with a trickling warmth. Maybe it was relief, or something else…Miko wasn’t sure. She watched the semi draw closer, letting her mind go blank for a bit.

The vehicle rolled down the road rather quietly, coming to a gentle stop across from her, letting off a little hiss as the lights dimmed a bit. Miko could make out that it was indeed, the Autobot leader himself, even though something in the back of her mind had already let her know it was him.

Optimus…what’s he doing out here?

She could barely stand, swallowing again before pushing off the ground and unevenly making her way across the road and to the door to the passenger’s seat. She felt like she couldn't control her coordination as well as she’d like, but wasn’t too worries as much as glad to have a warm seat to sit in for now.

“Miko….”

Optimus rumbled softly, gently, her name. He sounded as if he was going to say something, so she plopped down in the blue seat, waiting quietly. But he seemed to choose silence for the moment.

After a moment, the headlights brightened and Miko felt the start of the engines. They began down the road, and looking out the window, Miko could see they were headed home—not her house, but home.

She smiled, letting her body go limp in the seat, eyes wide open and trained on the outside view as it flitted by. Letting herself lie there as the hum of the truck filled the air, she dared not move or else she’d start shaking again.

Drowsiness lurked in the background somewhere, but before that, she was curious.

“Ne, Optimus,” she murmured, shifting her gaze to the front window. There was not a soul on the road, only Optimus’s headlight illuminating the navy dark surrounding them. “You were gonna say something, right?”

A pause.

“I was.”

“What was it?”

“Well…” Optimus seemed to be searching for words, then spoke again. “You were alone tonight.”

“Yeah…no one would pick up. Did you get my calls?”

“No,” the mech responded. “But I did realize your absence. Rafael and Jack were having a…schoolwork review session–”

Study session.

“—and the others are scouting a mine in another country.”

That’s why he didn’t pick up. Something funky with phone regions, I bet.

“Ratchet was otherwise engaged. I asked the boys what had happened to you that you were not there, and they mentioned you were in…detainment again.”

“Yea, detention,” Miko sighed. “Ditched it early though.”

Optimus was silent again, so this time, Miko thought to fill the silence.

“Hey, Optimus? I’m…sorry if I made you worry,” she murmured, dropping her gaze a little. “I was doing alright…woulda found a way home or something.”

“Miko,” his voice sounded serious. “Are you certain of that?”

The teen thought to answer, then pressed her lips together, unable to respond again. What would she have done if he hadn’t come by?

“I sense you are troubled,” Optimus continued more softly. “Are you alright?”

Miko felt a flash of indignance, so she masked it with a scoff. “Are you kidding? I’m always good!” But her tone wavered a bit, and she felt herself grow smaller in her seat. But she continued. “What makes you ask?”

“Miko…”

“Yeah?”

“To answer your initial question, we Autobots are always worried for you three. We realize you are individuals, and that you have time and again proven strong in the face of terrifying circumstances. You especially show much strength.”

There was something else to that, so Miko waited, quietly.

“You show so much strength that…I feel as if perhaps you carry too much inside.”

Miko swallowed, feeling emotion well up inside her. Not fear, not apprehension…something stronger, deeper…raw.

“Miko, you were alone tonight. We were unaware of what you needed. For that, I am deeply sorry.”

“N-nah, it’s not…”

“It is. Did anything happen to you?”

“No, I just…” she found herself speaking without thinking. “Seemed like…everyone forgot about me. I’m used to being alone though, I guess…”

“You are not alone, Miko.” Optimus spoke with firm gentleness that seemed to level out the feelings threatening to bubble over the brim. She quickly looked out the window to her side again. “I respect what you wish to tell or not tell me. But something tells me, you were afraid tonight.”

She bit her lip.

Someone noticed. Someone saw.

But it was a relieved voice that whispered in her mind. She remained quiet, biting her lip harder.

“Are you alright, Miko?”

She knew what the question really meant.

“I was…scared, like…” she swallowed, steadying her breathing as best as she could. A tear slid down her cheek, which she quickly rubbed away. “...I dunno, something…I didn’t know what was happening, it was so…strong. So…bad…”

“I know well the emotions you speak of.”

“R-really?”

“Yes. I know it well even now. Especially now.”

He deals with so much too…but he’s so…well, I guess we all put up some face. I laugh, Optimus shuts down…whatever keeps the monster at bay.

“Don’t be scared, Miko,” he finally said gently and simply—yet with so much intent. “You are never alone.”

Miko inhaled sharply, as if debating to control it or let it happen…but only for a moment. She exhaled heavily, her face twisting as she started to cry quietly. But even as she sobbed, a smile peaked through, shimmering in her eyes.

She needed to cry, she realized. Not light tears of stress, but also the tears that she had pent up every time her heart had pounded so hard her bones hurt. The tears she pent up when she did cry and then bite her tongue to swallow them up. And it was alright.

It was freeing.

And as if reading her mind, Optimus remained quiet. But she felt his presence–more than simply knowing he was there. They didn’t really need to say much more, and spent the last of the ride to HQ in silence.

Because even if Optimus wasn’t using the same words she’d use, she knew what he meant. She always knew what the others meant to say. Robot or human, alien or not, Miko could feel it.

She knew that he wasn’t ordering her to can it, like she knew she ordered herself to.

‘Don’t be scared,’ or rather…‘it will not win. You will.’

I will.

///

#transformers #tf #tfp #transformers prime #fanfic #fanfiction #transformers prime fanfiction #miko nakadai #optimus prime #writing #writing stuff #kuniwrites #asks #requests #fic requests #ask game

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spaceselkie · 5 months

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I broke down how I would go about making Dimitri's new winter alt because I'm completely normal about it and not obsessed with him at all. (Also my spouse already emotionally committed to winter Felix and the designs match well).

I thought I would share because designs with a lot going on can be intimidating to break down, but going layer by layer and thinking about what makes sense for the garment helps me and is helpful to do if you get stuck or overwhelmed.

This one is on my list for AWA 2024, since it will be in December (and as much as I'd love to go to Holmat, there is no way my queer ass is going to Florida any time soon). I can't start this until I finish dancer Dimi and I'm still in goldwork hell for that.

(I forgot his pants so further detail about that and also a breakdown of the layers more concretely below the cut).

Here's the most informative referece images we're working with (first one is just the clean version of the one above):

Starting with the inner most layer to outermost (because I think that's the most straightforward):

1) The Pants

There are a lot of options here, depending on what you're going for. It's cold in Faerghus so if you're going for most appropriate options, you'd want to make these out of a heavier fabric. They're not skin tight (you can see this in the second image more clearly), so I personally will stay away from stretchy leggings, but I don't think that would matter much aesthetically if that is your preference. You could also match these to the jacket material, but I personally don't want to make velvet pants. A nice, heavier cotton or linen would probably do the job nicely here. A heavier cotton blend knit would be a good choice, with an elastic waistband (basically you'd be making sweatpants). If you do a nonstretch, you don't have to go with an elastic waistband, but consider how easy it is to reach your closure for things like bathroom breaks. There is a seam (maybe a pleat?) on the front of the legs so that is something to pay attention to if you're going for maximum accuracy. I'd make this a seam on the stretch pants. I'd make these pants capri length so that there is enough to fit under the knee armor and top of the boot so it stays, but there isn't excess bulk in the lower boot, and probably finish the end of the legs with an elastic cuff like some sweat pants are finished. Pockets are unnecessary for this layer because you really can't get them under the layers.

2) The Boots

I'd buy a pair of knee high black boots with a very short heel. You could make boot covers, but I'd only do that if you had a hard time matching the finish. These don't look like suede to me, these seem like a smooth black leather/faux leather. The heels you could leave alone (they just won't 100% match), or paint gold. I tend to scuff up heels that I paint, so if you go that route make sure to be prepared to touch them up occasionally. The cuff with the fur I would add as a separate piece, trying to match the leather texture as much as possible. You could glue or sew this on (probably by hand) to the base boot, or make it removable with something like velcro. I'd personally just attach it permanently, since you have to add the stars on anyway, and I'm not likely to make those a temporary attachment, though you could. For the fur, you can get some fur trim, or use the same fabric as the cape and fur mantle. I'll touch on construction of the stars later, since they match the ones on the coat, but I'd just glue these onto the boot with a good glue (E6000 would be my first choice). Not every glue works for every material so you may want to experiment. Other options that might work would be contact cement or loctite (which makes a pleather glue).

3) The Knee Armor

I'd go with EVA foam for these. You could use worbla for additional sturdiness if you wanted, or even 3D print these if you'd rather model them yourself... but the foam may help with movement, as it will give where plastic will not. These will be sturdy enough though with a thicker EVA foam (5 mm?), with thinner layers for the upper ones. The accents I would make with a thinner foam and as the top layer. It looks like these are 3 layers to me (4 with the details). They remind me of Byleth's knee armor on the Enlightened One, which I have worn and can attest to them being very stable with just craft foam. Honestly I would just attach these to the cuff at the bottom, and add some strapping behind the knee that can open with snaps or velcro for maximum stability. You could also add a snap onto the pants at the front of the knee for extra security as well.

4) The Tunic

This is the blue layer under the red coat. It has a slit in the side seam (you can see it in the second picture) - make sure you keep that for mobility if nothing else. I'd make this out of a fabric that has a sheen, as it looks like it does in the art. If you wanted to be really indulgent, you could use a silk of some kind (I think you could use smooth or textured, depending on the aesthetic you were going for). I'd probably go for a nice cotton (a cotton sateen would be very appropriate), since this cosplay will be hot and that will help with breathability. A dull poly satin would also work in a pinch, or maybe even a crepe back satin. Lots of options here, I'd just go with nonstretch. Since this will be covered, you have options for neckline and sleeves. I think it would be a good idea to have sleeves, since the coat, depending on material, could rub. For the gold motif at the bottom, you have lots of options too. You could use heat n bond with a gold satin to make an applique, or you could use a vinyl fabric for an applique. You could do beading here. Iron on vinyl would also work (I'd go with the shiny metallic one). I'd just make sure this is shiny, ideally shinier than the tunic fabric. This is a festive costume after all, you can bling it up. I'd only worry about the front panel. You can ignore the back since it won't be seen.

5) The Coat

I really think this should be made out of a sturdy, nonstretch velvet (probably one of the home decor velvets). An alternative would be microsuede. Based on the art, I think some kind of nice sherpa would be best for the fuzzy edges, to contrast with the fur on the cape. The brown belts I would just make out of a pleather, with snap or hook and eye closures on one side. The stars, since I said I would talk about those (this applies to the ones on the shoes too), I would do out of foam, worbla, a combo of those two, or 3d print. I'll probably 3d print these since I have it on good authority that I'm getting one for Christmas this year. The gold lines at the sleeves and bottom you could do as a satin applique, beading, vinyl, or some combination. Iron on vinyl may or may not work with the velvet, you'd want to test that. I'd probably use a gold satin bias tape for the edge at the front of the coat, I think that would be the easiest thing and would look the nicest for that part.

6) The belt

This would have a secret closure at the front for ease of getting on and off without having to undo the belt. I'd interface the hell out of a red fabric (probably a satin, cotton/cotton sateen, maybe velvet), and add an applique of the green at the edges (or bias tape). I'd make the tassels out of a fine metallic thread or floss, personally. You probably want to stiffen these so they stay nice and clean. The star I'll talk about with the mantle. Metallic pieces on the belt would be a combination of foam, worbla, and/or 3d printing.

7) The Breastplate

My spouse has already made a breastplate almost exactly like this, thankfully. I'll be making this out of EVA foam, 10 mm for the larger layer and 5 mm for the bottom (which will probably just be attached at the bottom edge of the 10 mm layer so there is less bulk to worry about). The details would be a thin foam. It looks like the top motif is probably a fleur de lis. The chest star, which mimics his timeskip armor in houses, looks like it is convex rather than concave, so I'd make this out of foam and maybe fill in the underside with something just for structure. The plate itself would work like a reverse backpack, with buckles that would attach at the back to keep it sturdy. When I work on this I'll upload a picture of the breastplate my spouse made for reference.

8) The Scarf

I'd match this to the cape liner or the tunic fabric, so go for something with a slight sheen. The gold details I'd iron on or applique, and potentially add some coordinating rhinestones for sparkle's sake.

9) The Cape

The big, fluffy cape. I think the outside should be made from a heftier fabric, probably a microsuede. This would drape nicely and match the overall aesthetic of the costume. The liner I would match to the tunic or the scarf, so some kind of satin or sateen. I would probably go for the iron on vinyl for the stars of the liner, but you could do the satin applique strategy.... but that's a LOT of satin stitching to finish edges. Applique would work better for the stars at the bottom of the outside. You could also incorporate beads and/or rhinestones. This is festive after all... I'd get a nice fake fur for the edge, which you can match to the furry mantle.

10) The Mantle

This matches his houses design, based on the references, so you can refer to the in game art. Making this out of fake fur is the easiest option. My spouse attempted to make this by latch hooking yarn, but the brushing..... it will be less time and energy to go the fur route, but would be more money. For the stars, you could 3d print them, and gold leaf if you wanted a lot of shine. You'd probably want to hook these to the fur with invisible thread instead of gluing them, or you could match the thread to your gold paint. I'm also considering beading these on felt and I would attach them the same way, with invisible or matching thread. The one at the bottom of the belt you can sew or glue on, but I'd match construction to the mantle stars.

11) The Gloves

Technically lower in the layers than the coat, but awkward to put in earlier. These look like a faux suede or leather to me. I'd make them out of a nonstretch with a personalized, gusset-including glove pattern.

12) The Wig

It's a short, pale blonde wig. You might want a lace front with his hairline. But I think you can make it work without it... you'll have to do some styling with those bangs. This matches his pre-timeskip hair closely. The holly I would wire in to the wig after making, and use maybe beading or glitter an existing floral pick.

13) The Axe

I'm not a prop person, so this will be very basic. Pvc or dowel base, with foam, worbla, and/or 3d printed parts. The bow would look nice as a loop bow. You'd put the color blocks on there as previously discussed with bias tape.

That's my wall of words on that! I hope this was helpful to somebody. I'm planning on getting started on this one next year after some other costumes in the queue.

If you want to see a breakdown of anything else please let me know.

#cosplay breakdown #fe heros #dimitri alexandre blaiddyd #cosplay reference #dimitri winter alt

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iwannabeastarstarrockmann · 9 months

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I was delusional to think this year would be different. TW:SH/ED

why are moms so toxic? i cant remember one birthday in which everything went smoothly ansd i truly felt loved by her. she has always made it clear to me that im not enough, she has sacrificed too much for me, im a waste of space, im a lazy sack of shit and she wished she never had me or my sister.

I just woke up a couple hours ago really excited because she stayed out late last night so I didn't get a chance to talk with her (we were starting to get along weirdly) and my birthday is tomorrow so I wanted to hear what her plans were and instead she yelled at me for not getting up earlier, for not having a job yet, (even though I had to quit my last one because of her and I've been applying for jobs ever since) she said I should stop using being autistic as an excuse because I'm "not really autistic", I'm "completely normal, I'm just a giant asshole"

why would she say that??! and then to make matters worse, a family friend is planning to make me food for tomorrow and so my mom said the least I could do to earn such a gift that I don't deserve, I should go swimming with her in her pool, although I cannot because I recently relapsed heavily and have sh scars all over my arms and legs and I would rather politely decline a swim rather than worrying everyone I know and love. so anyway, I couldn't tell my mom why I couldn't swim so I just said I'm really not feeling up to it and she replied with "okay well then, you're dead to me" and strangely as punishment forbid me from using her shower ever again?? I have a shower, but it's infested with mold, and we didn't find that out until I passed out after a shower, so I think that means I really am dead to her?? ouch!

I'm really sad though, more so because we just bought groceries and now, I may be wasting food because I'm fasting. how can I be a good anorexic though when my fear of wasting food overpowers my fear of gaining?? idk maybe I'll just cook for everyone else on my bday, that is, if I knew anyone to cook for. I also feel bad for not swimming with our friend especially because she is cooking a whole feast for me! something my mother would never be caught dead doing. a lot of my issues with food come from having no structure nor comfort in my household growing up, i went from eating too much to never eating enough. i love it though when i see family friends and they are always telling me that ive gotten too skinny and i need to eat more, and as a result always cook food for me and lecture my mom for not paying attention to me, not that shes obligated to, as im almost 20, but as long as im stuck with her due to finances and just a tad bit of codependency, she should be a little nicer to me right??

am I crazy for thinking that regardless of my age or life situation, when I'm home it should feel like home?? if I were going to college no one would question me for still being here, I'm just trying to save up some money but every time I do, my mom demands to borrow it and then threatens me that she won't pay me back if I don't do this or that for her. did I mention that she always plays the victim too?

she genuinely believes that the world owes her something. she thinks because of her disability, people should bow down to her and cater to her every need! that is so immature! its every man for themselves, if you can't hold yourself accountable, how do you expect your life to improve? doing the same thing over and over with no result gets you nowhere! that's insanity, its naive. I don't want to waste my life catering to her when I spent the first 19 years of my life being the adult and her being the child. I deserved better.

now I just want her to see how terrible of a job she did by rotting away. I don't care anymore, I know that's selfish but I just don't care about anything anymore, I want to starve, I don't want to eat anymore. I know better than to starve myself, but it feels so damn validating when I'm losing weight.

#ed bllog #ed relapse #tw ana diary #tw ana shit #tw ed diet #ed vent #i only harm myself and no one else #i wanna be weightless #starv1ng #starv3 #tw ana fast #ana trigger #ana and mia #emotional abuse #mommy issues #tw sh related #i wanna be perfect

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astral-athame · 2 months

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((Life for me has pretty much been: Wake up at 8am. Desperately try to get more sleep until 9 (usually I doze off for, like, 2 or 3 minutes at a time and that's it). Get ready for work. Leave between 9:30 and 9:45. Work from 10-1:30-ish (it's supposed to be until 1:15 but I'm never out of there on time). Get home around 1:45. Leave for work part 2 around 2:30. That goes from at least 3-7, usually closer to 7:20 when I finally leave (sometimes stay until 8 or 9). Get home between 7:30 and 7:45. Make a quick dinner, shower, etc. Around 8:30, watch Ba.tt.le.st.ar Gal.act.ica with a couple of friends (if things work out, this couple may eventually be more than just my friends, but we'll see how that goes ^^;) until about 10:30, then chat with them for a bit after that, usually until almost 11. Bedtime routine (wash face, brush teeth, etc etc). Then stare at drafts until midnight when I realize I need to get to bed because I know I'll be up earlier than I need to be. Then the weekends have consisted a lot of babysitting, running errands, and trying to finish unpacking here and there because it's been 4 months and finding time to unpack has been a pain in the ass with everything that's constantly going on. Also, I spent 3 hours on Saturday putting together a kitchen cabinet- thankfully we have extra screwdrivers because the phillip's-head screwdriver they included was such bad quality that it was messed up and unusable less than half an hour in because the metal of it was so soft -_-

ANYWAY- Work both shifts the rest of the week (except Friday, but only because I don't have to do the second shift, still have the first). Saturday we're going out for my dad's birthday (which was actually last week, but we couldn't make things work for going out last weekend like we'd wanted to). Saturday night is also game night, as usual. Then Sunday I *should* have some free time, but I also desperately need to get some cleaning done that's being semi-neglected throughout the week. So what I'm saying is Sundays are chore days.

If things go well, I should, soon, only be working the first shift in another week or two (with the second shift just being Fridays and when absolutely needed)? Right now both my sister and I are stuck doing the second shift every night (and have been since before mid-winter break last month) because the custodial staff is down two people (one girl broke her leg and has been out since October, I think? And the other has been on temporary (paid) probation since early February while they consider whether or not to fire him and go through all the legal jargon of all of that). But they should be coming to a decision about that soon, I would hope, which would mean that if he gets to come back, then we won't be working nights unless someone calls out. And if he doesn't come back, then they should be hiring someone to fill his place so we'll just have to wait until someone snags the job (hopefully, in that case, they'll offer it to my sister first because usually they try to offer it to substitutes and she really wants it, but we'll see). They're also slowly running out of budget for substitutes, so, that's something to consider, too.

ANYWAY- TL;DR: I've basically had no writing time / personal time and that's why I've not been around. Hopefully work stuff will calm down soon because leaving the house around 9:30am and not really getting to be home until usually after 7:30pm (sometimes 8:30pm or 9:30pm) has been exhausting ^^;

I'll try to be around on Sunday (probably focus on Rogue's blog because I've been writing the fic in my head at work most nights so I have a lot of muse for her AND her blog has been sorely neglected for at least a few months now WHICH MAKES ME SO MAD AT MYSELF). If I can even get one or two asks done, then I'll consider that an accomplishment at this point!

I'm so sorry about the long absence. I'm sorry to everyone for neglecting replies. I'm sorry to everyone I was writing with and haven't had the time / social and physical energy / emotional capacity to reach back out to in a while. That's on me. I dropped the ball on that. I've never been good at ooc communication anyway, tbh. I was really hoping things would be a little bit calmer after I moved, but instead they went in exactly the opposite direction and haven't really slowed down any since November. In fact, they've just gotten more hectic over the last few months ^^;

I adore you all so much and I really do hope that I can get back to writing soon. I've been missing it (and all of you) terribly.

Take care and I'll try to be around soon <3))

#ooc.#long post #((Sorry for the rambling. I've just been gone so long that I feel like you're all owed a proper explanation.))#((I miss being here. I need to stop giving all of my free time away to other people and give myself a couple days a week #that are to focus on myself and writing again.))

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artdecosupernova-writing · 1 year

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15 OC Questions

Thanks for the tag, @druidx! I, too, used a randomizer for this, and the wheel told me I should have Guetry answer...so here we are lmao

tagging @drippingmoon, @sleepy-night-child, @ashen-crest, @zmwrites, @oh-no-another-idea, and @pertinax--loculos to do this too! no pressure, obvs.

▽ Guetry Danon Sympa —

Are you named after anyone?

Nope. Well...actually, I think Danon comes from a great-great-great grandfather on my dad's side. Yeah. Danny Sympa—the founder of our vineyard, actually—was Danon, I believe. My mom came up with Guetry because she liked it.

When was the last time you cried?

I don't cry that often, believe it or not. But I think the last time I really let loose was after watching that stupid movie Alec made me watch about the twins that died on separate planets. Something about twins, man, I've got, like, a soft spot for them or something, I swear.

Do you have kids?

...I don't think I'm cut out to be a dad. A good dad, anyway. I've got too much baggage. What with everything I went through with my mom, and being an addict, and the fact that I could barely keep my poor sisters sane as they grew up, I dunno. I'm just not made of strong enough stuff.

Do you use sarcasm?

I think I'm allergic. [sniffs]

What's the first thing you notice about people?

The way they look at anything. People, things in front of them, me, anything. I can tell a lot by the way someone looks at, say, a sandwich. If you're looking at it like it's the best fucking part of your day, you're honestly so cool and maybe a little sexy.

What's your eye color?

Blue. I tried to have a color-changing procedure at the hospital after Scotty was put into my head, but the doc was not receptive to the idea. I said why the fuck not? All I can see half the time is purple anyway, why not portray that outwardly? They said no. And then they stuck me with a six-point-five-billion-credit bill and bullied me until I cried. Ah, that was the last time I cried. [laughs]

Scary movies or happy endings?

Hear me out...a scary movie with a happy ending. Turns out nobody actually dies and the blood-sucking murder clown was really the friends we made along the way.

Any special talents?

Yeah, but I can't talk about them in mixed company.

Where were you born?

Somewhere on the outskirts of The Void.

...Okay, Texas. I was born in Texas.

What are your hobbies?

Well, I've got a band to help maintain. That's Skywaste; I'm the guitarist/keyboardist/digital jockey and also a vocalist, and Alec is the other vocalist and the drummer. I don't really have any other hobbies as being a galactic superstar and an agent for the Consortium take up literally all of my time.

Have you any pets?

Nah. Unless you count the AI in my brain. [Guetry's tattoo and temple flash. He smiles.] Apparently he does not.

What sports do you play/have played?

I tried baseball for a second when I was in school, and that ended quite abruptly when I got pissed off at the pitcher and beaned the ball at his face.

How tall are you?

Six-foot-three, last time I checked. Though I have a pair of boots that get me closer to six-five, six-six. A friend made me try on her heels from her job once and I was near six-nine...the fact that I ate that look didn't scare me so much as just being so high up I had my own cloud system around my head.

Favorite subject in school?

Math. It's weird. Can't do math for shit, but I really enjoyed it.

Dream job?

I'd say I'm doing it now, but that's not entirely true. If I could retire from the 'Sort and just do music full-time, that would be the dream. As it stands now...I'll be lucky if I can squeeze out a week of retirement from their clutches before I ultimately kick the bucket at a hundred years old or something. [laughs]

#tag game #profile: Guetry #Darkspace Portent #WASTE

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attic-club-sandwich · 4 months

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"Mammon x Shae (sick fic) (WIP; almost done)" And "Shae transforms from sheep to human (idea; not started)" please 🙏

Ooo thank you Hack!! Forgive me I haven't gotten around to asking a couple for you yet 😭

The sick fic with Mammon and Shae is actually based off of something that happened to me a few years ago now. I had gallbladder surgery and was suuuper sick prior to it. I was sick for like, a week straight and ended up being admitted to the hospital. So i was obviously inspired to write something about that with Shae and Mams lol

....he stopped when he saw this little human laying in bed, her eyes shut and a pained expression on her face. She also looked way paler than usual, which frightened him. “H-Hey, uh, Shae? Are ya alright?” he asked, rushing to sit by her side. She nodded weakly, opening one eye to look at him. “Stomach ache.” was all she could get out. Mammon sighed, pulling her hand into his lap as he began to clean her finger. “Is that why you’ve been actin’ funny?” he asked softly. “Yeah. It’s been coming and going for about a week now, but it’s getting worse.” she winced again, bringing her free hand to her forehead. Panic began to rise in Mammon’s chest. “A week?? Are ya serious? Why didn’t ya say somethin’?” he asked, trying to stay calm. Shae opened her eyes, resting her gaze on him. “I-I thought it was just maybe a stomach bug…and that it would go away…Until it didn’t.”

I'll give an extra paragraph since I don't have anything officially for the second one lol

....“M-Mams…” she croaked, falling back into his lap. “Shh, it’s okay, treasure, I’m here…” he soothed, burying his nose in her hair. Lucifer stood in the doorway, noticing that her skin was covered in a thick sheen of sweat. She was trembling in Mammon’s arms, and extremely pale. Why was their human feeling so poorly? “Mammon, run a bath for her will you? I’m going to call Solomon.” Mammon froze. Lucifer…calling Solomon? He knew how much his brother strongly disliked the sorcerer so this must be more serious than he thought. “Don’t look at me like that. I feel like another human opinion would be better, is all.” he said, crossing his arms over his chest. Mammon nodded as he lifted Shae up into his arms. She hadn’t changed out of her uniform, which was now damp with sweat. “I’ll be right back, you take care of Shae.”

It's actually pretty much done except for the ending (and some more editing), i just got stuck on where to conclude it and that's why I haven't officially finished and posted it. I also wasn't sure if it would be super cringe or not but oh well it made me happy to write it 🤷‍♀️

For Shae transforms from sheep to human.. I haven't started it yet, but i want to write my own version of how the brothers would react to Shae transforming back to her human form for the first time since entering the Devildom. So they would be seeing her human appearance for the first time but she'd also be ✨nakey✨ lol

But anyways i'm really hoping to write some more! I have been super stressed out with my job i just haven't had the energy. But i'm actually feeling like writing again so keep an eye out! 💜

#thank you again my love!!#asks #answered #attic club besties #yourboyhack #my writing #cass writes #obey me #obey me mammon #mammon x shae #mammon x mc

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duskydrawz · 4 months

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It's a little late, but happy New Year Everyone! I hope you enjoyed the holidays, whatever you and your culture celebrates. It's the time of the year where we go over goals and make new ones! I had a few art goals for last year; > One full art piece a month (continued from last year) > Aim to draw more full-body pieces > 3 sketches a month I did manage to achieve the first two, though I never posted a finished December piece here and instead kept it for personal use. I'm fine with that, I'll forgive the difficult last few months I had and try and be kind to myself. As for the sketches, I have to confess, I didn't keep up with those past March. I think it's actually quite challenging to keep up when you don't have a dedicated theme or idea each month. I also got a bit conscious about posting them when I'm still not super happy with my understanding of human anatomy. I think I'll re-set the goal for this year, but not put the pressure of posting on myself until year's end. Some goals for this blog for the year ahead: > I'd like to do more new comics! (at least 4 this year would be nice, double last year's) > I want my months to have different arts, instead of only doing love live icons / birthday pieces. I want to move away from those to give myself chance to do more with the characters. > I want to post more sketches, or less-polished drawings in general. I think I can get more done if I don't have to worry about it all being perfect and finished, and I have some fun ideas I just never get around to being able to do otherwise. I also want to continue trying to branch out with poses, and more full-body (or at least not just face or bust-upwards art) this year. (It would also be really neat if we could get up to 100 followers! But that's a little out of my control.) We'll see what the tides bring, though hopefully this year will be better than the last. I so very much appreciate everyone who has supported and joined my blog this past year <3 As well as those of you who stuck with me when some months have been on the quieter side. I love drawing, and trying to be consistent with a full time job on the side is difficult. But I don't feel like this blog is hard work. It's always just been a place for my casual enjoyment to post and challenge myself when I can. I think that's important. Anyways, sappy things aside, may your 2024 be better than the last year. And may you achieve all the goals you want to in the continuous strive for improvement! - Dusky x

#love live sunshine #love live #honkai impact 3rd #elysia #dia kurosawa #kanan matsuura #hanamaru kunikida #you watanabe #mari ohara #ruby kurosawa #yoshiko tsushima #new year goals #art goals #riko sakurauchi #eden #2023 art summary #furina #genshin impact #comics

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masterofdemise · 4 months

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Thank you @lady-lazagna for sending the ask!

Anyway, so I think it is absolutely NO surprise that when I say "mysterious unlikely helpers", if you follow my art enough, you'll know it's none other than Pluto and Johannes. Now, knowing me, this is a long one so sit tight.

"But Alexis? Pluto died, how did he come back?"

I RESURRECTED HIM WITH THE POWER OF COPIU-okay serious answer. I'm still finding the exact answer for it, but in some lucky twist of fate for Pluto, because he was not the Child of the Black Sun and therefore deemed "unworthy", he was in simple terms, "rejected" by Nemesis and after some time of sitting inside of it, he was sent back into the living realm. Yada yada yada, he encounters Dynamis and a whole bunch of drama occurs before eventually everyone knocks some sense into Pluto and Pluto decides he will not go on more troubling tasks to condemn the world. Wanting to right the many wrongs he did, he donates a good portion of his fortune away to aid people in need, and starts working at the WBBA to try and make up for what he did since just sitting in jail won't do much to help anyone.

In the meanwhile, during the six months he was missing, Johannes and the rest of the Nemesis gang were stuck in Metal Bey City and without any direction or idea on what to do with their lives, they wallowed around for a bit until Elysse knocked sense into the four and convinced them to start up a business (aka, Cafe Lynx). After establishing the cat cafe, since it was so close, Felicity decided to pay a visit and that is where she started talking with Johannes. Since the two were such cat fanatics, they became quick friends of sorts and engaged in gossip. Especially with Fifionne and He Li Hua not around as much due to Li Hua being busy and Fifionne doing AWOL, Felicity gets to at least relax at the new cat cafe. Even though she became aware of Johannes's involvement in the world destroying incident, knowing what she did with Fifionne, she let it slide and gave Johannes a chance.

After Pluto comes back, he takes up a position as manager of the cafe, as well as a worker with the WBBA. Since Felicity is such a frequent visitor, Pluto meets her and they become friends.

Here is the real important stuff, and a huge spoiler( but also not really since it's not like I'll have the energy to type this all out into a story). When He Li Hua calls Felicity about Fifionne being missing, Felicity says she has not heard from Fifionne since the Nemesis incident (which was by the time Li Hua called, eight months ago).

This is a lie.

Felicity not only saw her almost right after Nemesis was defeated to analyze Fifionne's new Divine Fox, but she also saw Fifionne one month ago. In truth, Felicity KNEW something was deeply wrong with Fifionne and panicked heavily after Fifionne threatened her to not interfere with her plans. With the way she was behaving, Felicity likened it to another Ryuga-like incident in the way that Fifionne was not only being influenced by a dark-force(Tamamo), but by how much Fifionne seemed to be motivated by revenge. Knowing the authorities probably would not be able to do much against her friend and even if they did it probably would not go well, she decided it would be easier to enlist the help of other people.

As a result, she turns over to both Pluto and Johannes two weeks before He Li Hua makes the call. Knowing the two have expertise in not only tracking people down, but because they have the experiences of being former evil-doers and schemers, she is willing to pay the both of them for the job. Pluto refuses the money since the two do not really need it, and Pluto is trying to do it out of kindness. With that, the two start their investigation without ever informing the WBBA. Pluto does go on to inform the WBBA about this later, but only after Li Hua shows up.

Fast forward to when Li Hua travels to Japan on impulse to look for clues on Fifionne, Felicity panics. Not only does she know that Li Hua will absolutely despise Pluto and Johannes for being a part of their search, but because Fifionne also threatened Felicity to not get Li Hua involved. Not wanting Li Hua to figure out the truth and trying to solve the Fifionne problem as quietly as possible, she keeps quiet and plays up the lie. Li Hua ends to the WBBA for information where they finally learn of her disappearance. With the assumption that Felicity knows as much as Li Hua (when she doesn't), Li Hua leaves for Kyoto for answers while Felicity has more time to try and wrap things up.

Unfortunately, Li Hua does manage to come back with information and continues bugging Felicity about the search. Knowing she won't be able to go on the search for herself, she gives up on keeping Pluto and Johannes's roles a secret and asks Li Hua to go to Cafe Lynx without her. It is there where Li Hua almost blows a fuse at Felicity when she realizes who exactly Felicity enlisted the help of. As mad as Li Hua is, this is all so they can find Fifionne and Li Hua has no choice but to let it slide.

I'll leave it at that since those are the main bits of information that need to be known for the setup. Essentially, Felicity has been working with Pluto and Johannes behind Li Hua's back because Felicity is not only worried about Li Hua and Fifionne encountering one another, but because she believes Pluto and Johannes will be the best for the job. He Li Hua is absolutely infuriated and feels betrayed that Felicity is so willing to work with people she sees as the "lowest scum of the Earth", but she sets her differences aside just for a bit because Li Hua cares more about Fifionne's safety. There is going to be a lot more drama that occurs soon after Li Hua talks more with the two, but that can be discussed another time when I feel like not shutting up.

#again thank you so much for the ask #had a lot of fun typing this out I LOVE talking about the Vermillion Vows #there is so much drama and arguments that occur later between felicity and he li hua and AHHH its so good the angst is crazy here #demise rambles

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grcycosmcs · 10 months

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*&* – was that [ jack wolfe ] ? oh no no , that was just [ wylan van eck ] , a [ canon character ] from [ the grishaverse ]. they are [ twenty three ] years old , use [ he / him ] , & [ are not ] aware that they are not actually from washington dc.

B A S I C S .

dc arrival : august 2021

current occupation : substitute/music tutor

canon point : crooked kingdom/shadow & bone season 2

pronouns : he/him

memory status : affected

I N F O R M A T I O N .

full name : wylan van eck

nicknames : none

age : twenty two

birthday : september 6

homeplace : ketterdem, kerch

previous location : ketterdem, kerch

native language : kerch

traits : considerate, reserved, ambitious, calculated, loyal

C A N O N T I D B I T S .

more strictly canon information can be found by clicking the wiki linked at the bottom.

he grew up wealthy as an only child but because he was unable to read or write despite private tutors, he was unwanted by his father.

there was an attempt on his life by the order of his dad, & he ended up in the more undesirable part of town where he joined a crew.

using his artistic skills to draw up maps & his science skills to provide demolition as needed, he stuck around as needed.

B I O G R A P H Y .

this will later includes canon information as well as headcanons. this contains SPOILERS.

wylan was raised as an only child in the city of ketterdam to a wealthy merchant & his wife. however, when he was young, his father sent his mother off to an asylum, though the boy was told that she had succumbed to an illness. it was around this time that it became obvious that wylan would never be able to read or write, due to severe dyslexia. this angered his father, & finding the boy to be of no use to the family name, he planned to have him killed once his new wife was revealed to be pregnant. however, he managed to escape the hired men & hid out in the barrel, the rougher part of the city. it's here that he reluctantly joined forces with a gang of thieves in exchange for money, at first only by a single transaction for bombs but then by becoming their demolitions expert for a job.

after the success of the first job ( despite its obstacles ), wylan was begrudgingly kept around to be of use as insurance, as the bad relationship he had with his father was unknown by the others. as a result, he stayed on as their demolitions man for a job breaking into the ice court, & he was responsible for sketching maps in addition to providing demolition. they managed to get in & out with the person they went in for more or less, who was soon tailored to look like in case the deal with his father went down as he expected it would. the meeting does go awry & while in the midst of fixing it, he discovered that his mother was alive, motivating him further to get back at his father. they eventually managed to save their friend, get his father imprisoned, & he inherited his father's wealth & assets so he was able to live comfortably in his old house with his boyfriend & his mother until he showed up here.

A D D I T I O N A L N O T E S .

i think i'm trying to mix both sources ? like by thinking of the shadow & bone season as just pre-six of crow events & then making adjustments as necessary ? but i'll probably reevauluate if i start to think it would be too confusing. that's a problem for later though because he arrived without his memories anyway – for information regarding his false life in the meantime, click here.

W I K I P A G E

#wylan ✧ posts #wylan ✧ information #wylan ✧ intro #hw: intro #ableism tw #pregnancy mention tw #child abuse mention tw #death mention tw #murder mention tw

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