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Tyler Baltierra is getting candid about ketamine therapy on the new season of The Teen Mom: The Next Chapter.

Baltierra invites viewers to follow his journey as he undergoes the legal psychedelic treatments — paired with therapy sessions — to unlock repressed memories and help him work through childhood trauma. 

Baltierra opened up to PEOPLE about his decision to go public with his journey, and how he hopes to normalize conversations surrounding mental health. 

TB: I’ve done so much normal CBT — Cognitive Behavioral Therapy — and it worked really well for me for many years. But I felt like I wanted to do something a little bit deeper, something a little more intense. Once I heard about ketamine and its benefits and the studies about how it's really helping a lot of people with PTSD and anxiety and depression, I wanted to do more research about it.

Once I did the research, I was kinda hooked! I wanted to do it because there are certain things that happen to you that are traumatic and you talk about it so much that you almost get used to explaining your trauma and explaining why you feel from it. For me, I did so much talking that I didn’t get to actually dive deep into it with my normal talk therapy. I kinda skimmed by it. That’s the main reason why I really want to take this opportunity to do something a little different.

Is ketamine therapy what you thought it would be like?

TB: It definitely was not how I thought it would be because I’ve used different psychedelics recreationally. It was a lot more sedative for me and it also brought up a lot of stuff I just didn’t think it would. It wasn’t what I expected — it was way more intense. It was definitely a crazy, wild experience. When you go through trauma, your brain goes through a lot of automatic repair and sometimes it does it too well so I was like alright, this really unlocked all of that for me. It helped me get down to the core of my trauma and better understand how it affected me as an adult. 

Can you walk me through a typical session? 

TB: It all depends on where you go which is why before you just dive into this, you need to do research about the facility and the doctors who will monitor you while you are doing it. You should meet with several, do a quick little intro and find out how the process works, because every therapist does it in a different way. For me, I really wanted something that was very spiritually-driven, so I wanted to go somewhere that really embodied this. We meditate, we center ourselves, we listen to calm music.

For me, it’s all about the environment. I found this place in California I really liked. When you first go in there, you’re like this feels a little weird. There are two different ways you can do it. You can do it through IV or an injection. I did the injection. It starts out really kinda light but it gets heavy very fast. You are blindfolded and they put this weighted blanket on you. You feel really not connected to your body if that makes sense, so you kinda don’t have your other senses working, you’re just literally in your own head. It’s pretty intense. I had music going that was calming to me, breathing is super important. It’s a ride. 

What are your thoughts on the negative connotation of ketamine?

TB: My opinion is it should be used in therapeutic situations. I think there’s a lot of untapped potential in psychedelics when it comes to therapy and using it to process trauma, so if it was up to me, psychedelics would be legal. Unfortunately, when I Googled it, ketamine was the only thing that was actually legal in my state. I really believe it to be medicine. 

I feel like it needs to be explored more because the effects of it are amazing. People should really do their own research but also talk to their doctor because a lot of doctors are now understanding the benefits that it has. And they will be really open and honest with you, so people should look at it a little deeper and with an open mind. 

What were your reactions from your family and friends? Especially knowing it was going to be broadcasted on TV? 

TB: To be honest, the first initial reaction was you’re doing horse tranquilizer?! Once I explained it to everybody, they were all like woah! I didn’t realize it could be used like that. They were all pretty shocked about it at first but they all really supported me, especially getting back from doing it and telling them how it went. 

Are you open with your children about how this ketamine therapy has helped you? 

TB: We haven’t talked about ketamine specifically but just the other day, Novalee asked where [my wife] Cate was and I said she was in a therapy appointment. And she was like oh ok good I’m glad she is in therapy. So our kids know about therapy. We’ve talked about how no emotion is a bad emotion, no emotion is wrong. It’s just a matter of how you process it and therapy allows you to do that. We have been very open with all of the kids, but mainly Novalee because she’s at the age of actually understanding a little bit. We tell her that we’ve used therapy in the past. We are also really big advocates of sometimes mom and dad need help too just like you need help. Just because we’re parents and grownups to you, doesn’t mean that we don't need help too sometimes. So I think it’s important to keep raising our kids with that kind of message so they don’t feel shameful about coming forward when they’re older.

Do you think ketamine treatment has been the most helpful for you?

TB: This definitely was the best thing for me. I wouldn’t have been able to do this ten years ago I don’t think, so I definitely needed the normal therapy that I had before to get me in the right mental space and an awareness level where I could actually handle what was being brought up during the ketamine sessions. My suggestion for people even thinking about it is to really spend some time with a normal therapist or a ketamine specialist who will be able to tell you if you are ready to dive deeper and go into this. A lot of times, they’ll actually have you do four weeks of work beforehand to see if you are ready for it. So, it definitely was the most enlightening and eye opening for me as far as therapy goes. 

What do you hope people take away from watching you go through this experience? 

TB: The reason why I decided to share my experience with MTV is because this is part of my story. I feel like it’s pretty vital to show people that there are other options out there. So for me, it was like, let’s advocate for mental health, let’s stop the stigma that something is wrong with you or you are irreparable, that you’re a psycho or crazy. The suicide rate for men is so high compared to women, that it’s a problem. I really wanted to put it out there because I need other guys out there to know that you don’t have to tough it out and just grind through it and all the other things people tell you to do. You are a human being with emotions.  I just wanted to educate people that there are other options out there. The more information I could put out about it, the better. 

long sad navel-gazing under the cut, various abuse TWs go here, I think long-timer followers already know the drill

I know exactly what was happening in this photo. A couple days ago I kind of alluded to a thing that happened 10 years ago and this was about a week later when I was incredibly depressed. Not only did Thing happen but the entire weekend including the day immediately after I was listening to the lovely sounds of my parents screaming at each other and slamming doors, etc etc. I was trying to navigate all of that.

This was taken when I was working in the gallery on campus. The exhibit we had was about boat building. 2012 is right in the middle of what I’ve just started calling my “lost years” because there was a lot of traumatic shit happening basically from 2011-early 2014 that I thought was due to the One Big Traumatic Thing but actually was just a maelstrom of one thing after another.

Let’s observe the details in this photo. The hat I believe was crocheted by an ex friend of mine and unfortunately it wasn’t stretchy so I didn’t wear it too often. The nail polish I remember specifically was a shiny, shimmery teal that I painted to distract myself from the weekend-long argument my parents were having. Looking at this, I can remember very clearly something happening on the night of October 12th, shaking the entire drive home, waking up to the sounds of yelling and continuing to just shake and shake and shake uncontrollably for almost a couple days straight. I painted my nails to try to give myself some kind of soothing distraction. The constant trembling... very odd side effect of PTSD. I don’t get it much anymore thankfully but sometimes still when I’m under significant stress it’ll come back and simultaneously I feel more sensitive to cold. Hence the sweater in the photo.

The sweater I’m wearing here wasn’t even mine.

I’m sitting here trying to remind myself of that old quote of like “your story is yours to tell and if people don’t like it they should have treated you better” but this version of me from 10 years ago is still in my head. They still want to believe that maybe there was something just inherently weird about who they are as a person to warrant what was happening. Everything else was so fucked that a week before this photo they were like “wow, that sure was something that just happened and I am not going to deal with that right now!” and so they didn’t, for years. There’s not a clean way to talk about it, so fuck it. I had a therapist a few years ago that when I told her about the friend I had (who owned this sweater I’m wearing in the picture) she said it was akin to the beginnings of a domestic violence situation. Last year I made an account on this site and compared a few years of memories with this “friend” through their Mosaic Threat Assessment System to see how badly I was abused and what the odds are that it would have escalated further and I scored 6/10 or 152/200. Some stuff I couldn’t answer because we weren’t romantically involved but the scoring thankfully knows that some stuff is just not going to be relevant.

My scoring indicates not just a situation that can escalate but one that already did. I know this now, cognitively, but you know how little resources there are for people who’ve been abused by friends? Ten Years Ago Bek doesn’t know how to talk about it and present day Bek is tired of thinking about it.

Part of why returning to college has been a challenge for me is not just because of the money, but because it triggers me. Once I paid a visit to the campus for the opening of their pride center because I still have friends among the staff and I tried to sit in the gallery for a poetry reading. I literally could not sit in there for longer than a few seconds without feeling like I was about to scream. I have had to purposely acclimate myself into going into specific buildings or specific places over and over again to re-wire new memories and remember that I’m not in 2012 and that my abuser is not there anymore. I don’t have to be afraid of running into her at the gallery or in the bathroom or at club events because it’s not happening anymore. I haven’t spoken to her in eight years. Even calling her that here, now--an abuser and not a former friend--makes me feel weird. That’s the insidious nature of abuse. Sorry, not sorry, but you don’t get to publicly humiliate me and assault me and then expect that I am going to stay quiet for the entire rest of my life. The version of me in this photo can’t see the future and where we ended up now but I know that healing them means that maybe I should venture to talk about this more often.

sry to be up in ur inbox but i gotta ask now. DID amnesia means blackouts or just like, not remembering things from the distant past that shouldve been important? I autopilot and then dont remember exactly what happened but its more like "didnt care to remember" than "couldnt remember" lmao. representation so ass i have literally no clue. i get weird feelings of impersonating myself, i get episodes of thinking other peoples thoughts, but i dont fully like. lose memories when that happens lmao. i know what the apparitions do when they front (RARELY) but it's just not my business ckck

Yeah um

Thing about DID/OSDD is that it's stupid and makes no sense. For some people it is a complete and total blackout and you cannot remember, other times it just feels like... You know when u can't remember what you had for lunch yesterday? Cause it's just not that important. Sometimes major moments of my life feel that way. Even just recently graduation; it came and went and everyone around me treated it like this huge milestone but even though it's only been a few months trying to remember what school was like feels like trying to remember what colour bra I wore three days ago.

And then for blackout shit I straight up cannot remember things pre 2017. Because technically I "didn't exist" before that time. Sometimes I can get bits and pieces but it's staticky. Its all hazy and in third person a lot of the time, like I'm looking at myself living and not remembering being alive.

Idk. Its complicated and a lot of symptoms overlap heavily with PTSD or BPD or schizophrenia or bipolar and everything under the sun. Basically brains are fucked, don't get one it's overrated. Trying to get diagnosed is hell on earth and I'm technically not officially diagnosed even though I've been outwardly showing these symptoms Since I Was Twelve, and tbh getting a diagnoses might make things worse because then you don't get hired and people treat you like James McAvoy in split so. Lol

Its not perfect but Mr Robot is my go to show for people looking for rep. Its a very dark and triggering show at many points but it's worth it. Its fantastically made and actually tries to look into how someone with DID works while also focusing heavily on the action thriller plot. Some symptoms get exaggerated for dramatic effect and a lot of the time it's shown through visual metaphor, but it's extremely accurate to me and my life. Check it out pls 🙏

lol hey fh pr au anon again, and like really thinking about the cases where one of the kids have to pilot the jaeger alone bc their co pilot is down for whatever reason. like the strain it must put on their mind. adaine doing it once in the final fight w aelwyn and getting grey hairs. riz doing it not once but TWICE (the wicklaw fight and the final fight) and having issues with controlling his nervous system. truly this au is sooo good ngl i kinda imagine it as 90% pacific rim and 10% eva just because of how these kaiju sound sooooo horrifying (in the best way)

i think in this au the people who've solo piloted are:

arthur aguefort

i think no one knows who aguefort's co-pilot was, except for ayda and the original pilots, but in my head it was his wife/partner. ayda's mom. i think that's why ayda doesn't talk about it, is because she's bitter that being a pilot took both her mother away from her at a young age, and the emotional and physical trauma of having his partner die while in the drift made her father a very absent man. i think the specific effect it had on him was that it mimicked/triggered early onset dementia. while he was still able to head the program, it was with the help of pok, for a while, then sandra lynn. he tended to not always stay grounded in what was happening and get "unstuck in time", mentally. the bad kids have never really seen him act different than the highly eccentric man they know, but i think sandra lynn and ayda have a really good talk about it after everything is over. he has a close relationship with kristen since she's the one that handles his care and meds and she never treats him with kid gloves

riz

riz solo pilots during the flayer fight. flayer rips straight through the cockpit, detaching fabian from his spinal clamp as well as incredibly damaging his eye. its enough to make him go into shock. riz not only finishes the fight, but has to crawl the jaeger back home, with half the cockpit torn out and fabian dangling out the side, tangled in the wiring. fabian was connected just enough that riz could see the ground swinging below him like an afterimage. afterwards, fabian doesn't really remember a lot of what happened, but riz does. he's the one that gets weird about heights after that. and by "weird" i mean that his body starts to feel shock-like symptoms whenever he looks out a tall window. like an afterimage. the only reason anyone lets them back in a jaeger is because the world might end if they dont

fabian

kalvaxus grabs the gilded spyglass and drops it from a mile up. the ground rushing towards them and the sheer force of wind through the cracked hull is enough to steal riz's breath straight from his lungs. he's not even conscious to put on the oxygen mask. within the span of two fights, fabian goes from seeing out of four eyes to just one. with a combination of burning all their thruster fuel and wedging their sword in the tower of a bridge, he manages to stop them from being completely destroyed when they hit the water. the whole time, in the back of his mind, he feels riz dreaming about pok. solo piloting, and piloting with one eye, completely fries fabian's proprioceptive sense. he does a lot of music therapy, after. dancing. that's how he relearns it. learns to keep his feet under him again, where all his limbs go, how close everything is. it never goes anywhere, no matter how hard they tease adaine about it, but aelwyn is his partner for a lot of these classes. it takes a very long time for fabian to feel just in his body again, and not constantly take into account both riz and their jaeger. in the drift, he sees in 3d. he has to get used to everything going flat

aelwyn

during the final fight, adaine chases the rabbit. their cockpit fills with water. she chokes. not literally, but that's what she was seeing. the thing about the drift is that whats in your head is just as real as anything else. so when kalvaxus takes a massive claw and holds them under the ocean, and the oxygen warning starts flashing, adaine just goes. aelwyn sees their fight with mother and father, can feel the storm oracle begin to flood in their shared neural link. she's angry. and she knows adaine can feel it. she knows it's only making things worse. when adaine starts to see mother and father - not the kaiju, but their real, human, somehow far more terrifying parents - aelwyn knows the tougher fight is not kalvaxus, not kalina or nightmare, but getting adaine back from this. the anger fades. something else takes its place. protection. just pure, unfiltered protective instinct. and she fights. she fights with one half of her mind in their childhood and one half at the end of the world. she calls the play with kalvaxus. she blasts nightmare with a jet of coolant. and the whole time, she talks. she talks to adaine. reminds her where they are, what they're doing, who they're with. she manages to get adaine back just in time for both of them to blast nightmare with a plasma cannon, right into moonlit werewolf's arms. afterwards, they sit on the demolished bridge, waiting for kristen to come back up. and she holds adaine. she holds on tight. the consequences come in aches and pains that never really go away. in weak muscles and shaky steps. nerve damage. some problem with her brain stem. she pours all her learning into prosthetics and tries not to think about it too much. its easier to be distracted

kristen

kristen doesn't really talk about what happened, after she ejected tracker from the moonlit werewolf and went through the breach by herself. she'll laugh about it. oh, it was crazy shit, man. you wouldn't even believe. but she never really explains. she was conscious for enough of it that she managed to blow the nuclear reactor and bring the whole breach down while her pod ejected and flew through back to their ocean. they don't know when the fragmented horn of nightmare pierced her chest. how long she stayed awake afterwards. they try to talk to her. crazy shit, she'll say, and that's all. only sometimes it's like she just disappears. goes glassy in the eyes and stares for a long time, like she's somewhere very far away. they don't know if the dissociation is physical or mental, because she won't get checked out. ptsd, jawbone says. seizures, says ayda. the ironic part is that kristen herself is usually the person they would go to to find out. crazy shit, man, she says. crazy shit

oh to ramble about autistic Malcolm Graves and how much i love him

he’s never felt like he’s fit into an NT worldview, even as a kid. the biggest thing that’s always set him apart is his sense of empathy/sympathy - he isn’t inherently good at recognizing other people’s feelings or relating to them, nor is he very good at articulating his own feelings to others. as a kid he wasn’t very good at understanding physical social cues/body language but that has mostly come to him with age and a lot of experience dealing with people. as a small child, his mom could get in his face and scream at him and Graves would struggle to understand that she was angry.

obviously this isn’t a lack of intelligence, on his part. he has mostly adapted to read other people decently well on the surface (interpreting common body language habits, tone indicators, etc etc) but with identifying more complex feelings and emotions in others he does tend to feel like he’s at a loss. he has a hard time feeling empathy or sympathy for strangers and sometimes loved ones (this is somewhat elevated by BPD as well, and i should clarify he is not INCAPABLE of feeling these things and most of the time he IS actively trying. it’s just difficult.) and he also REALLY struggles articulating himself out loud.

his solution to the latter is that he’ll write and/or sign something that Feels complicated or difficult to say out loud. (and yeah he knows sign language, on account of the fact he’s like. at least partially deaf at this point) for the most part he just does not understand the very delicate world of social cues and social expectations that NT people expect him to live in without offending all their sensibilities, and being in prison for ten years and effectively going insane did not. Help. he will shut down and go nonverbal if he feels overwhelmed or overstimulated; he’s pretty sensitive to stimuli but has a pretty Long list of PTSD triggers as well so shit kinda sucks sometimes, but he’s pretty good at identifying those things and making a point to stay away from them. 

at this point in his life, he doesn’t really care anymore. people are going to get him as he is and that’s fine if they don’t like him or think he’s weird. he is happy as a clam to leave all the chitchat to TF because lord knows Graves doesn’t want to do the mental gymnastics that is trying to figure out what people want from him when they don’t want to be direct. part of the reason he’s so content to exist in bilgewater i think is because it’s the only place he’s ever been that doesn’t have any fancy schmancy prim proper unwritten social rules he’s meant to follow. piltover is like his own personal hell.

he has his special interests, namely guns/artillery and such. he could ramble for literal hours about a gun and its make, the history of the manufacturer, how they made it, everything. he’ll tinker with destiny and anything else he can get his hands on constantly and in a way destiny is. definitely a comfort object (though he does have others). he stims primarily by pacing or putting things in his mouth (hence where the smoking habit came from - when he finally quits he’ll just chew on a toothpick or bite his nails something) and a few other menial gestures like bouncing his leg, tapping his fingers, etc. he isn’t a very animated guy.

and while Graves is just rude in general, you’re bound to get a better response out of him if you’re just direct with him. tell him what you want or what you’re looking for. if you make him play games in his own head to figure out what the hell you’re looking for out of him, he’s just gonna get pissed off and bite you probably.

Graves is just so delightfully neurodivergent :]

Have some Asra n Muriel disorganized headcanons: animal themed!

Asra's most likely to answer quetzal if you ask for his favourite bird (he had a close up encounter with one his first time in nopal and had never seen a bird like it so it's a special memory), but he also appreciates all others. He also loves dart frogs and his favorite reptile would of course be perfect lavender angel baby fictional fantasy pythons. I'd also see him loving dragonflies as well.

He will see literally any animal generally and always say "they're one of my favourites!", though. It doesn't matter how many times he's said it that day or how many animals he's said it about. It's almost without fail he'll point one out and say it's a favourite.

One of his favorite animals is always the one in front of him Right Now, as a quick reference.

Plus, he loves to point animals out on travels or when out and about Vesuvia, so get used to hearing it!

He may attempt to catch critters occasionally too, or just pick them up, these will be mostly bugs usually. He just likes to cup moths in his hand on occasion and the watch them flutter out and I think he should be allowed to! Or just cradle bugs in his palm and watch them walk around for a bit. If it's a reptile or amphibian somewhere it could get stepped on or dried out or eaten he will still scoop them up and carry them to the brush.

[Cont. after cut]

Nothing he ever handles seems to get too upset or stressed, even when it's an animal that otherwise would. They just seem to be more relaxed if it's Asra who's touching them. Sometimes reptiles just come up to him (or even crawl onto his hand, as a few lizards have,) curiously enough. Though they may still refuse to be touched even then, they're notably not bothered by his presence when for others they'd run away. It's not something Asra's ever noticed to be odd, nor would it be overly noticeable to most people, but it's definitely something you can recognize if you pay attention.

Asra would also love to run on the beach sometimes, namely as a kid, maybe making himself invisible or otherwise undetectable until he's right up on a big flock of seagulls before giving them a hearty boo! And watching them all fly away all giggly. As an adult he may still stir up flocks for fun sometimes, or just to see how pretty it is to watch them all fly at once.

In general he just loves watching birds or bugs or whatever be it fly, always so effortlessly. Maybe he wishes he could fly himself. It certainly would make things easier he would come to think time to time growing up in Vesuvia.

Plus, he likes to collect the feathers that flutter down. Back when he sold masks, they were something he incorporated into them often. Then, too, he would also sit by the river after wearing himself out practicing hydromancy or what not, and a few times dragonflies would perch on him. He'd always gasp n grin all big and goofy when they did.

Muriel doesn't pick favorites really when it comes to animals (barring wolves and bears), but he does mirror Asra's 'one of my favourites' statements by saying "they're one of Asra's favorites," Occasionally.

While Asra's animal encounters or observations are typically brief, Muriel is more than content to just watch animals long periods of time. He can spot or at least know where to find some seriously elusive ones. The only one such animal Asra seems to have luck like that with seems to be foxes.

If you want to see an animal, local to the area around Vesuvia namely, Muriel can probably help you with that, granted he trusts you. This includes dens, hives, and nesting sites of course, things he will stop by occasionally in his forest to check on. His luck/skill in finding these things can't seem to be mimicked by even the most skilled animal trackers, you'd think they were practically just showing themselves to only him.

Muriel is also content to let animals do their thing and not interact with them much. Birds, butterflies and similar may land on him occasionally and he's always enchanted by it though, and will make no move to prevent an animal being on or touching him. Similar to Asra, he will also remove any animals in bad spots and put them somewhere better. He's a bit more effective at this though, as he tends to be looking down anyways, while Asra has probably smooshed a few pillbugs and snails before while doing his own thing- eyes elsewhere.

If Muriel did ever nerf a bug accidentally he would probably feel pretty damn bad, and if it wasn't reduced to a mere smear he would return its poor bug corpse to nature so that it might reclaim it. He'd get over it quick though if he was in a good mood prior, just give him a moment. If he was upset over something else already and he killed one, I could see it even pushing him to tears or rather making it worse if he was already at that point.

Asra would probably be like 'awh.... :( oof, I'm sorry lil guy...' and sweep it into nature if he could, but otherwise he would not be impacted too much.

Asra would purposely kill bugs on a few occasions even, pest bugs namely - like flies or mosquitoes or, of course, plague beetles. He may even instinctively lash out and flatten a bug that simply resembles a plague beetle enough, particularly if something had his anxiety or panic (ptsd trigger from the plague??) going. Otherwise plague beetle resembling beetles he'd be a little unsettled by, or uncomfortable to be around, but not enough to necessarily kill. He'd either move it somewhere else, try to scare it off, or move away from it. Muriel doesn't have many hang ups on plague beetle resembling bugs, though he would probably kill the real deal readily.

Any dead animals not in a wild area (like left in the city or on a road,) Muriel would move as long as it wasn't yknow. Too nasty. Birds that hit windows, starved or sickly scavengers, anything that dropped in a heatwave or was claimed by a flood, things like that, recent deaths. It pains him to see at all, but pains him more to leave them just.... There. Some he may bury, others he may leave out in places where there's animals he know will take it for food.

Injured or sick animals Muriel would try to help best he could, and he's successfully done it a few times. If it's blistering hot he'd also likely leave water out here and there for the animals of the forest, and he may enlist Asra's help with this to replenish water in natural water basins as well in droughts.

Muriel can handle animal death okay, hunting and fishing is a thing he does to some degree, it's just the preventable or senseless ones that hurt, it's worth saying here. It's just sad. He'll be okay after though, unless there's something more nefarious and upsetting at play.

Asra helping unwell/hurt animals would mostly consist of magic healing, but beyond that he wouldn't know what to really do besides bring it to Muriel or any animal experts near him. He doesn't come across these situations too often thankfully, though. Domestic animals he would take in more readily, and would let crash at the shop for a while if he can. If it's a livestock animal he'll ask if Muriel wants to take it in, or even in the case of an ownerless pet animal. If not, he can ask around. See if anyone wants a new dog or cat or... Goat. I just imagine those are the kinds of animals he's most likely to find in need, being in the center of Vesuvia.

Moving on from that....

Animal knowledge!

Asra likely doesn't know a ton about animals outside of ones that feature prominently in magic and myth, he's just good at identifying them and overall tends to appreciate their presence. Identifying animals can make for good pass times on long travels, or if he just sees something particularly neat he may simply want to know what to call it. He also probably learned most the common local Vesuvian species names growing up, probably through reading, though the bulk of his knowledge of the nature he grew up around is probably botanical- foraging can be dangerous! Plus, magic knowledge probably leans more heavily on plants than animals as well.

If Asra can't identify an animal, though, he will simply make up a name for it on the spot. If he finds out it's ID later he will still refer to it as his made up name followed by AKA/sometimes called/locally known as [real name]. He also tends to refer to tons of animals as the infamous, famous, legendary, revered, etc. Regardless of relevance, commonality or obscurity. He just thinks they all deserve such titles, and when has a little flair ever hurt?

"Ah, MC, look! It's an Abramesmerwhymsical Zadithi midnight-billed stilt-wader! Though it's sometimes also known as the famous crab-plover," Kinda shit. He enjoys it.

Muriel doesn't actually know the actual names of a ton of animals species. He knows of a few though, not to mention the Asra-given names that stuck with him. Despite not knowing their names sometimes still, he can tell most all species apart readily, and juveniles from adults, males from females, things like that. He watches animals of the forest regularly and is in tune with the local species life cycles, breeding or rearing seasons, migratory patterns, unique behaviors and everything else. Though his knowledge is probably limited to Vesuvian species, he's able to quickly pick up on other animal's traits and such when outside of Vesuvian territory, and is generally good with animals as is.

He knows what doves/pigeons and owls and vipers and mice and geckos etc are. He may not know that a specific species of such is called like, namaqua doves, omani owls, ocellated mountain vipers, cario spiny mouse, kotschy's middle-toed geckos n shit. It's not like he has NO idea, species names are weird and can be long winded so....

...He just doesn't know that dunnocks aren't actually called stripple-caped tseepers.

But he doesn't need to. <3

If he does learn the real names for them though, he is quite glad and will use the name readily. If you're looking at a Muriel who's in the city more, he will probably read up on this information himself, but otherwise he would of course treasure it if MC told him.

The only reasons he doesn't even know the names to begin with is mostly because the names you'll hear out and about most commonly only cover a fraction of species to start, and everything else youre mostly going to have to study via reading or classes. Neither of those seem to be things a young homeless Muriel would care to pursue lmao.

Annnnd

I forgot what else I was going to add and lost track so, I'll maybe add more later. I'll probably also amend this as I may find I don't agree with my own statements the next day and also I don't proofread so. I hope u enjoyed these feel free to add on or add differing opinions!

mental health & vent

again, a long one. please stick with me here.

tw: depression, anxiety, ptsd, epilepsy diagnosis, suicidal thoughts mention

hey everyone, like I said in my last post, I won’t be as active on here. this doesn’t mean I’m quitting by any means, I’m here for the long haul! I just need a break for a little bit. 

side note: I am not in any way suicidal or practicing self harm. this is just to vent and act as a PSA for my mutuals/followers.

now onto my main message. 

I’ve seen lots of posts about mental health lately, and I’m so incredibly proud of those who have spoken up. They’ve inspired me to make my own post, actually. normally I’d keep it to myself, but this time has been rough and I want to get it off my chest. I’ll probably delete this later, but still. 

I’ve been depressed. 

long story short, I had a very traumatic experience a couple years ago with an ex boyfriend (not going into it on this post, for details just dm me. not something I’d want to post publicly, this is just an explanation) and I was deeply depressed. I was never diagnosed “officially” because I was afraid to speak up, as this would expose what I was going through. I had really bad anxiety at that time too, and I still do. I also have PTSD flashbacks from it now and again. none of this was diagnosed, and I still don’t want to bring it up to my doctors/family. my irl friends don’t even know, at least not most of it. 

I have monoclonic epilepsy, which means my seizures are fairly small. my arms, legs, feet, hands, and fingers twitch, and I lose control for a few seconds. it doesn’t hurt, and sometimes I don’t even notice or remember it happening, but my family does. epilepsy in general runs in my family, and it can be triggered by a great deal of stress, lack of sleep, and of course flashing lights. in my case, I never “had” epilepsy or seizures until the “experience” I mentioned before, as it caused massive amounts of stress for about 2 years straight. it’s gotten better, as I now have medicine and am out of that situation, and I haven’t had a seizure since September, which is amazing and a huge blessing.

writing has helped with my depression and anxiety a lot, as I can write out what effects me the most. honestly, some of the characters are based off of myself (before vs after) and the person from the “experience.” this is just for therapeutic reasons, as I don’t really want to go to real therapy (I’d be too embarrassed to ask for it or talk to someone anyway, though I probably need to go eventually and plan to when I’m on my own). 

however, when I stopped posting it, I started feeling bad again. I didn’t think I needed to post my stories to feel better or to make a childhood dream into reality, but not posting it made me feel somehow worse. I’ve stopped writing as much, and I’ve lost motivation to do just about anything. I’m working on a couple things to help myself get out of this “funk,” but any tips would be greatly appreciated! 

this may seems stupid, but I’ve been depressed and very anxious about my schooling. I started in cyber security and got about halfway through, but I became depressed and had other issues so I didn’t finish the degree. now I’m starting in psychology, after praying for months and months for help with figuring out what to do for school. I finally got an answer, and that answer was to be a Christian counselor! I want to help as many people as I can, especially since I know how it feels to be anxious, depressed, and have PTSD. 

I’m dealing with a lot of changes right now, as I’m selling my first car, might have to move out of my first house/childhood home, and just a bunch of other stuff. this sounds trivial, but I hate change. it seriously stresses me out. my neurologist told me that if I have any more seizures, I won’t be able to drive for 6 months to a year to be safe (as I could have an “episode” as I call it while driving and hurt myself/others in a potential car accident). trust me, trying not to be stressed while being stressed, anxious, and depressed is not easy. 

on top of all that, my irl friends have all but abandoned me. I never hear from them (all but one, she’s the best!), and when I do they ignore me or pretend to listen when they obviously aren’t. I try to make plans with them, but they ignore me or just say “definitely!” but never try to set up times to hang out. It’s been almost two years since I’ve seen them all together. I was able to hang out with the friend I mentioned earlier to go to another friend’s recital, but that was it, and that was months ago. I totally get being busy, but I miss them and I don’t think they miss me, which really hurts. one friend ditched us on graduation day and we haven’t talked to her outside of “happy birthday,” or “@___ look at this thing I know you like,” which she never responded to. graduation was 4 years ago. I miss them all, even if they aren’t really my friends. I miss familiarity and their chaotic personalities. I’ve known them my entire life. honestly, I haven’t made any other friends irl, even though I’ve tried (I’m very introverted and a lot of people don’t get my humor/personality. I’m very much a mischievous old lady that uses weird wording (li.e. using uncommon words for my generation mixed with modern stuff, basically I sound like a vampire that’s been around since the 50s and mixes the eras together in some unholy mixture) at heart and I have very niche interests that I cling to like they’re my last hope). basically, making friends and meeting new people is hard for me for various reasons.

tumblr is different though, which I’m seriously grateful for! the people I’ve talked to are all so nice and really fun to talk to, and they’re part of why I’m posting this. @elvish-sky gave me the courage to post this and @hey-its-nonny and @padawansofthejediorder have been amazing and super nice to me, and I couldn’t be more grateful. the reason I’m posting this is to let them know what’s going on if I don’t respond to messages for a while, and to let them know what wonderful people they are and how much it means to me that they care about me, even if we’re just tumblr mutuals. I love you guys, thanks for being here! it means more than you know.

my mom and dad both had health scares recently, which made me spiral even more. I honestly don’t know what I would do if one of them died. they’re literally my world and my best friends, as ridiculous as that sounds. my mental health was so low I honestly thought I’d die too. they’re both fine now, which is truly a blessing and a massive relief. when I say I thought I’d die too, I don’t mean I wanted to commit suicide, but I honestly can’t imagine a world without my parents, especially my mom (hers was the main health scare, it was a case of reaction to a new medication for her migraines). we’re insanely close and she’s my best friend, as cheesy as that sounds. I don’t know what I would do without her. it’s making me teary just thinking about it. 

long story short, please be patient with me. I’m dealing with a lot right now, and I need some time to take a deep breath and focus on my mental health. if you have any suggestions/tips for dealing with depression, anxiety, and PTSD flashbacks, please let me know! 

for those I’ve tagged, you don’t have to reply or even read this whole thing if you want, I tagged you because I thought you’d like to know about this and/or I wanted to show my appreciation for your kindness!

I love you all, thanks for sticking around and listening to my rants. <3

Survey #442

“the more you suffer, the more it shows you really care, right?”

Would you ever sell your soul? No. Do you believe that something is going to happen in 2012? Welp, clearly not. I never believed it. Have you ever been to the Grand Canyon? No, but I'd love to! When was the last time you slept in someone else’s bed? Uhhh not since I visited Sara, I think. Do you like your music loud or at a reasonable level? Loud, for sure. Louder than I should listen to. Did the last person you kiss have a tattoo? No. What’s the last song you heard? "The Bird and the Worm" by The Used. Has anyone told you they missed you lately? No. What are you most likely to do when you’re exhausted; take a nap, drink some coffee, or go for a run to get yourself pumped up again? Naps definitely win. What are you most likely to pick if you got to choose your topic on a research paper; drug abuse, mental illness, or the death penalty? Mental illness, for sure. What is your favorite month of the year and why? October, bc aesthetic. What’s your least favorite animal? Probably wasps. They're mean fuckers that kill bees. What was your class song when you graduated? Some super shitty country song. Have you ever had to spend the night outside (not camping)? No. What`s the scariest living animal that you`ve petted? A tarantula, I'd say. She was a sweet rose hair that I literally did pet, which you absolutely should not do to tarantulas, but I knew nothing about them at the time. The urticating hairs on their abdomens cause serious itching, and I tell ya, that sure happened. So did you play old school Nintendo or Atari or Sega? If so which one? We had an old Atari for a long time. When/where did you meet your first love? In the hallway, during my sophomore year of high school. Is there anyone you dislike, that you have to see/speak to regularly? Hm, what qualifies as "regularly," really? I don't like my sister's husband, who I see semi-regularly, but I don't really talk to him. Does your family eat any unique foods for Thanksgiving that aren’t the norm? If so, what are they? Nah, not that I can think of. If you eat oatmeal, do you add water or milk to it? What is your favorite flavor? Milk; I don't like it with water. I only eat the apples and cinnamon kind. Was the last video you watched on YouTube a music video? If not, what was it of? It's a let's play. Have you ever been brave enough to cut your hair in a very different way? If you have, did you regret your decision after? Yes, and I still love it. What was the last book you had to read for school? Did you enjoy it, or were you just trying to get through? The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. I loved it. Has anyone you know personally ever won the lottery? If so, how much did they win? Would/have you ever play(ed) the lottery? No to both questions. I have a very addictive personality, so I don't really mess with dangerous things that might tempt that behavior. What band/celebrity/etc. do you know the most information about? Who would you like to learn more about? Markiplier, ha ha. As for who I'd like to know more about... hm. Have your friends met the last person you kissed? Girt has. Who has made the biggest difference in your life? Jason. You get a text from someone saying that they want to hang out - who would you most like it to be from? Also Jason. -_- What is the name on your birth certificate (feel free to withhold your last name for privacy reasons)? Brittany Marie is all you need to know. Even if shopping isn’t your favorite... every girl has a favorite store. What’s yours? My favorite physical store is Hot Topic, but my favorite store overall is Rebel's Market, which I'm pretty sure is just an online source. Which type of undies do you wear most: Thongs, bikini/briefs, bootyshorts, or granny panties? Don't you dare laugh, I prefer "granny panties" lmfao. They're what I'm comfortable in, okay. How many nail polishes do you have, if you were to take a guess? *I* have none. Idk about Mom, but I know not a lot. Are you on birth control? Do you use condoms? I use birth control to regulate my period and ease cramps. If I was sexually active though, both would be musts for me. When did you start your period? How did you react? Who did you tell first? When I got home from school sometime in middle school. I don't remember exactly how old I was, but I was EXTREMELY upset. Like, I cried, because I didn't feel like a kid anymore. My mom was the first to know. Have you ever had sex while on your period? If so, would you ever do it again? NO NO NO NO THAT SOUNDS SO GROSS LKASDFJ;AJW;LKERJA;WEJLRKQWLKE;JR. Which way do you swing (boys, girls, or both)? I'm bi. Or pan. I really don't know. Tell me ALL about your longest/most serious relationship. Are you still in that relationship? How about I don't, because doing that I'm sure will send me in a PTSD spiral. No, we're no longer together. Who is your ALL TIME best friend (don’t count your boyfriend, either, silly!)? Sara. I don't think I've been as close with any other best friend. Which one of your friends has the best singing voice? SARAAAAAAAAAAA. What shade are you in foundation or concealer? I don't have a clue. I don't wear either. Have you ever showered with someone? Boy or girl? Were you completely naked? "Were you completely naked." No, I shower with underwear on. I've showered with my little sister as well as my best friend as a kid. I've never shared a shower as an adult and don't want to. Do you think you’re good enough for the person you like? No. Are you a cuddler or no? If I'm really into you, YUP. And if it's not hot. Wouldn’t it be kinda annoying to have to share a bed every night? No. I miss it sometimes. Have you ever walked on a beach at night? Yes. It's beautiful. Could you go the rest of your life without drinking alcohol? Pretty easily, yeah. Would you marry someone you didn’t love if you were paid 10 thousand dollars? No. I just wouldn't be able to stomach doing that. I'm solely marrying for love. Have you had sex today? I haven't in many years. Do you still care about your last ex? Very very much! Do you own more then one bathing suit? Nope. Is there any alcohol in the fridge? Yeah, but none I like. Who have you recently made up with after fighting? Nobody. Who do you WANT to make up with? Jason. Megan. Do you get scared easily? Hm. It really depends on the situation. Have you seen UP? Never the full movie, actually. I need to. How many coats of mascara do you use? I use it so rarely that I barely know. Two, maybe? What’s your favorite bracelet? The one Sara gave me. I used to always wear it, but it's worn down with time and is too loose for me now, so it's just with my jewelry. What color hair does your mom have? It's naturally gray now, but she dyes it black. Favorite song to listen to when you are mad? "Headache" by Motionless In White does it. What restaurant would you want to work at? NONE. I ain't working with hungry people. I don't want to work with people - period. When people ask “how are you?” do you say “good” even if you aren’t? Depends on who's asking. If it's a stranger or someone I barely know, odds are I'm just going to reply with "fine" or something like that. Were you honestly a good kid? Yes. Is anything wrong with your eyes? I have to wear glasses, so. Have you kissed or hugged anyone today? No. What is your mom’s and dad’s favorite TV show? I don't really know for either. Mom watches loads of shows, and I don't live with Dad, so. I know he really likes The Big Bang Theory, though, which Mom also loves. Have you ever suspected your mom or dad of having an affair? No, but ~supposedly~, Dad did with his now-wife. I don't know what the fuck is true between my parents, though. Do you think buying second hand clothes is gross? It depends on the type of clothing (ex., used underwear is a huge fucking no), as well as the state it's in. Does it gross you out when your parents kiss? They're divorced. That would be incredibly weird, uncomfortable, and impossible with how I know at least Mom feels towards Dad. Do you have a playlist made on YouTube? Yeah, multiple. Do you like dollar stores? I mean, sure? They have good deals occasionally and are a good option to stop for a quick snack or something. Mom doesn't actually *shop* in them, though. What’s the last thing you bought from one? I think a honeybun. Do you think it’s weird how babies are made? Well, yeah. Science can be crazy, though. Have you ever lost a friend over the opposite sex? No. Are you comfortable in a short skirt? I wouldn't be comfortable in ANY skirt. Do you and your family go on a vacation ever year? We essentially never do. Vacations cost money. We don't have money to spare. When you were going out with your last ex and you had the chance to date your celebrity crush, would you have left your bf/gf for them? No, because it's not like I know him personally, while I know her very deeply. Who was your most romantic moment with? Jason. Do you sweat easily? Like you wouldn't BELIEVE. A side effect of one (or even multiple) of my meds is hyperhidrosis, so I can sweat an ocean in two minutes, it seems. It's disgusting, and I am so self-conscious about it. What’s one memory you wish would just vanish? Just a specific moment with Jason that is particularly agonizing to recall. Are you in love with someone? No. Partying or watching a movie? Partying isn't my thing. I'd have more fun watching a movie with friends. What pisses you off the most? Child molesters/rapists, probably. Where do you want to be at a year from now? I just want a job by then, dude. I also hope I've lost a lot of weight. Do you like pickles? Only dill pickles. If you saw someone broken down on the side of the road, would you stop to help? Honestly, no. I don't trust people. What do you do with your plastic grocery bags after you unload your things? We put our plastic bags into one big bag for later use. Have you ever slept in a water bed? Yes. How often do you use Flickr? I don't. I only ever check my friend's for meerkat photos, ha ha. Share three nice memories you have of the person you fell hardest for. No, unless you want me to cry. Have you ever made any of your friends cry? Not deliberately of course, but yes. Do you look decent in your most recent photograph? God no, I look high. Out of all the guys you know, who would you trust to not cheat on you? Girt. I know he never would, especially because HE'S been cheated on. How do you plan on disciplining your children? NOT by physical means, I can tell you that much. If I actually had kids, I'd teach them through (hopefully) primarily deeply talking things out. If need be, there'd be time out, grounding, things like that. I do NOT support methods like spanking your kid, so that's a big no. If you could live in another country, would you? What country? Yes; Canada. If you could change your name, what would you change it to? Quinn, probably. What’s one health problem you wish you didn’t have? It's a tie between depression and anxiety. What is your cure for hiccups? NOTHING works for me. It's the worst. Did you ever do anything in class that annoyed other students? I mean, I don't think so. Have you used a Ouija board and had a freaky experience with it? I've never messed with one, and I don't want to. I don't know if I believe in their supernatural abilities or not, but I ain't fuckin around and finding out. Do you stick with a political party, or vote for who you like best? I pick based on their policies and morals, not necessarily their party. Do you know anyone who is an albino? No. Word search or crossword puzzle? Word searches. When you watch a game show, do you like to see people win or lose? Aw, who wants to see them lose? It's great to see people win and be so excited. Do you have a pair of fake redneck, vampire, etc. teeth? No. What is your favorite Pixar film? Finding Nemo. Do you get really mad when you lose a game? Not at all. I'm not very competitive, and games are about having fun. When was the last time you used a pay phone? I actually don't think I ever have. Who did you have your most amazing kiss with? Jason. Do you go to church every Sunday? I never go to church as I'm not religious. If you had to get famous for one of the following, which would you choose: music, acting, writing, modeling? Writing. What do you think of girls with huge boobs that don’t wear bras in public? Who the fuck cares. If they're comfortable and at least have a shirt on, let 'em. Most women have breasts, big whoop. Do you even like politics? God no. What’s it like at raves? Oh god, I'd never go. Have you ever had a dream in which you were making out, or more, with someone? lol yes

🍍🍏🍎🍋

((jeepers. this one will be long,

🍍  :    how comfortable is my muse in their body? how do they feel about their height,  weight,  strength,  and body type?  how important is being attractive to them?  

((Considering Madison Altair’s intense body related trauma, body dysphoria, and disassociation problems, he’s surprisingly comfortable in his own form. The way his body is, short of anon effects, is the way it’s supposed to be, and has been from the start; it’s the natural shape of his soul, and as long as it stays that way everything feels just as it should be. Just because he can’t recognize himself in the mirror sometimes doesn’t mean he doesn’t like the way he looks. Since beginning to do things like wear piercings, makeup, get tattoos, and color his hair, he’s been even more at home. Technically his body is someone else’s, borrowed and assigned to him for convenience’s sake, but since beginning to decorate and customize it to his own expression and preferences he doesn’t think much about that anymore.

Their height, weight, and body type are all as they should be, and he has no problems with them. Their strength, they earned, to some extent, and it makes them happy. Their face, though a little weird, is theirs, and when they can actually recognize it as such, they feel comfortable and at home. The color purple, in particular, is a very grounding and identifying color for them, and looking in their eyes sometimes centers them in their body and soul in a way few other things can.

As for being attractive, he definitely cares, but only as much as he does because he’s had people commenting on it, to some extent, since he got a body. Whether out of spite (calling him pretty boy or threatening to break his pretty face), or admiration (telling him he could be a model), to it literally affecting his work (attracting clients when he worked in the sex industry in NYC), he’s used to hearing it, and yet still gets all bashful when one of his friends or partners says it about him, because he knows they really mean it. To some extent he attributes his entire ability to find partners to how attractive he is physically, which certainly isn’t the truth, but it sure does help. He puts upkeep into being fairly hot, as it’s now part of his identity to some extent, and when he’s obviously not trying is when you know he’s visibly depressed.))

🍏  :    how stable is my muse’s physical health?  do they go for regular or semi-regular checkups by a physician?  do they have any diagnosed illnesses and / or take any medication?  how often do they get sick?

((This one’s fairly simple. As Mads has established, repeatedly, he isn’t organic. He doesn’t have cells that can die, or organs that can take damage, he’s immune to poison and illness and when he gets nauseous it’s from something emotional. He’s never seen a doctor, for fear of them realizing he’s not human and sending him somewhere for research. Even before he fully realized his healing powers, when Mads got injured, he’d simply recuperate at home, and now that he has them, there’s literally no point. There’s medications involved, but those are for his mental health, not physical. He’s basically always dehydrated, but other than that! He’s technically fine.

🍎  :    how stable is my muse’s mental health?  have they been diagnosed with any mental illnesses and  /  or conditions?  do they have any undiagnosed mental illnesses and  /  or conditions?  do they or should they attend therapy?  

((Now THIS one is relevant. Mads has been diagnosed by their therapist and psychiatrist collectively with ADHD, anxiety, depression, PTSD, and depersonalization disorder. Paranoia, insomnia, and alcohol dependence are also on the list, but those three are problems they’ve been steadily recovering from. At the point they’re at, they don’t have anything undiagnosed, which is a relief, because they’ve already got enough to deal with. Mads attends therapy every Friday, and has for about a year now. It’s productive, but slow going, due to Mads’ difficulty willingly communicating their more serious issues, as well as their overly stubborn self esteem.

Last one has been answered!))

“Bullets”, a Last Stand of the Wreckers prose story- Ironfist Solves a Murder Mystery

Now that Overlord and Rewind have been exploded horribly in the vacuum of space, multiple people have died, and Chromedome’s horrifically single, let’s take a look at all those Last Stand of the Wreckers extras, yeah?

We more or less start with a Furmanism, as is tradition.

One day Furmanisms won’t be nearly as prevalent within the comic publications, and that is a day that I cannot wait to see. Forget politics, forget misogyny, forget basically NEEDING Death of the Author in effect to enjoy anything the man’s done- Furmanisms are a crutch that everybody in this franchise uses, but nobody needs. They never feel natural, in my opinion. It’s like a literary obligation at this point, and you can tell, because it never quite meshes with any writer’s style.

Anyway, this is the setup for what would happen on Pova- the Wreckers have been watching Squadron X fix up their ship, and now that the thing’s airborne again they’ve gotten itchy trigger fingers. Well, some of them, anyway. Rack n Ruin aren’t so sure about this whole thing, seeing as there are eight of them and an entire battalion up there. Impactor’s working the crowd though, as a leader of such a high turnover rate group is required to do, and that’s the point where First Aid stops reading.

Yep, this is one of Fisitron’s datalog entries, of which First Aid is a fan.

This isn’t First Aid’s first appearance within the IDW continuity- he played a role in Spotlight: Jazz, where he lived up to his name, and in Transformers: Ironhide #1, where he was in the background. This IS his premiere as a major player in a story, however, and it’s here that he’s revealed to be a bit of a slacker- he should be making the rounds at Delphi right now, but instead he’s reading entry logs about the wartime equivalent of a boyband.

He hits a key to quicktab to something at least somewhat medically-related as he feels someone approaching from behind. It’s the CMO, and he is in no way fooled by First Aid’s attempt to hide his shame. He gets back to work, but that particular entry- 113, because of course it is- is still on his mind. Hope he never finds out it’s a load of bunk.

I REALLY hope he never finds out this is all bunk. We all need something, you know?

Of course, First Aid- y’know, not to brag or anything- personally met one of the Wreckers. Roughly five years ago, Springer had approached him at a medical conference on Kimia. Why a medical conference was being held on Kimia of all places isn’t addressed, but it was probably because half the folks stationed there are doctors. First Aid, being a classy guy, fucking ogles Springer the entire time they’re talking.

You’ve heard of “Men Writing Women”, now it’s time for “Roberts Writing Robots”. Yes, this is THAT scene, and it’s on the first goddamn page.

First Aid, wanting to be of use to his idol, offers his medical expertise, completely willing to fix Springer’s nose, give him a breast reduction, and even update the circuit dampeners he doesn’t have. Springer, while flattered, isn’t looking for that sort of help. He’s looking for folks who have a lot to give.

The phrasing he uses makes First Aid think that he’s about to be recruited to the Wreckers- in other words, about to be put in line for a slow and awful death- but Springer clarifies that he’s looking more for eyes and ears to help him, not so much bodies. He hands First Aid a card with his number, and says to give him a call sometime.

Cutting back to the present, First Aid is walking through the rows of patient slabs, where we see an honestly horrifying practice in play- every patient in Delphi has their non-essential functions turned off to conserve power. This includes things like the ability to move, and speak.

Because that couldn’t possibly have any negative repercussions.

He checks in on the Fader he’s been assigned, confirms that, yes, his head IS still missing from his neck, then makes to walk out of the room, only to be startled by the sudden entry of a stretcher and Ambulon. Here, Ambulon is identified as a chief paramedic, as opposed to being a ward manager. Whether this is early installment weirdness or a simple mistake isn’t clear.

Ambulon is quickly followed by Dogfight, Dodger, and Backstreet(’s back, alright!) First Aid gets to work, by checking the three of them for injuries, paying special attention to their Autobot badges.

This is the reason Rung had to call in at the beginning of MTMTE #4, though it might be more because First Aid can’t act like a professional of five friggin’ minutes.

Oh, Delphi’s HR department is getting a call for sure.

First Aid, while a known fondler of badges, has never had this exact reaction. He runs off to make a phone call, leaving the injured Dodger to wait for the surgery he’s going to undergo the moment First Aid gets back.

Meanwhile, somewhere else- I’m guessing Kimia- Rung has an appointment underway with a dude named Flattop.

Flattop’s TFWiki article is one of the most depressing on the entire site, and it’s completely “Bullets”’s fault.

You see, Flattop’s attempting to talk through his trauma, but it’s difficult.

This level of insight is why they pay Rung the big bucks.

The war, while terrible for everyone’s mental health, has given Rung a slew of patients to handle.

Gee, wonder who that medic was.

Anyway, so Flattop’s deal- he was at Babu Yar, which was an event that was apparently so terrible, everyone involved was offered brand new bodies as compensation. He’s currently hiding underneath a table, which Rung identifies as “playing to type”. Flattop isn’t even here to talk about Babu Yar, but it’s good to know that war is still hell.

The reason Flattop’s actually here is this: he was serving under Silverstreak- another one of Rung’s patients, and someone who I’m convinced might actually be a Warrior cat given the name- and was going to check something out when he saw something utterly terrifying.

Rung gets Flattop out from under the table, and they talk about what the Shimmer means. Flattop is convinced that since he’s seen the thing, he’s going to die. You see, folklore in space is very similar to its counterpart on Earth, in that it’s a warning swathed in story to make it easily digestible.

Rung, who tries to keep things rational, offers to give Flattop a few possible explanations for what he saw. Because Flattop had only recently gotten his hot new bod a short while before he saw the Shimmer, it’s completely possible he had had a hallucination due to the adjustment period. Another theory is that Flattop has PTSD. Which, I mean, yeah.

While Rung was busy trying to explain what had happened, Flattop friggin’ died.

Awkward.

Over with Ironfist- because “Bullets” is a prequel- we’re in the middle of a meeting with the Ethics Committee. Xaaron, Animus, and Trailbreaker of all people, have come together to pass judgement on Ironfist’s cerebro-sensitive bullets. There’s a lot of hemming and hawing, and Ironfist reflects on how they got to this moment, while fiddling with a data slug to burn off the nerves.

This is just after the Surge happened, an event kicked off by the betrayal of the Autobot cause allowed Megatron to seize a majority of the Autobot outposts. It was a huge deal, a lot of shit was stolen, including the Weak Anthropic Principle, and it left everyone a little twitchy towards one another. Trust is not in vogue at present.

Kimia’s in a mess of trouble anyway, however, due to the events of Babu Yar, where Gideon’s Glue had rained down on the Autobot troops under Flame’s command, eaten to Swiss cheese by something eerily similar to something being developed on the station.

So an investigation was established. Brainstorm, who’s apparently big man on campus here at Kimia, is questioned, as is everyone else. Of course, no one cops to having invented Gideon’s Glue, because that’s a big ol’ war crime, so the questioning goes nowhere, but now there’s a precedent for mistrust on this science station.

Anyway, back to the bullet thing.

Ironfist’s cerebro-sensitive bullets are designed to hit the head, every single time, ignoring trajectory, ballistic physics, what you think is possible, and the Geneva Convention. It’s fired, it hits the first brain it identifies. Brutal stuff. Effective, but brutal.

Trailbreaker’s not a fan.

I mean, maybe? I guess it depends how gray your morality is. I bet Prowl would like them.

After telling Trailbreaker to keep it professional, Xaaron tells Ironfist that using these bullets would be a literal war crime, and he’s got a little over a day to hand them over to the Committee for destruction. Meeting adjourned!

Ironfist is left standing there until his good buddy Skyfall checks in on him. Ironfist is kind of bummed out, but Skyfall knows how to cheer him up- by comparing him to Impactor, former leader of the Wreckers, and one of Ironfist’s fan-crushes.

Man, this makes the Pova reveal a little harsher in hindsight, huh?

Skyfall invites Ironfist to the Exit Rooms, a place where the Kimia employees can drink and no one will give a shit, and as they make their way over they run into Brainstorm.

Brainstorm gets some interesting development in this story.

That’s right, not only are his weapons completely insane, and in some cases literally abstract, they’re apparently often so incredibly dangerous that the Ethics Committee loses sleep over the fact that they exist.

And Brainstorm loves it.

No wonder Trailbreaker was so annoyed in his Spotlight.

Skyfall asks about what’s in Brainstorm’s briefcase, gets an answer that’s likely a lie, then the boys head over to the Exit Rooms.

Over on Hydrus 5, it’s raining cats and dogs, and this is somehow the Transformers fault. I guess the universe bends to the will of what would be the most dramatic, as everyone takes a break from warmongering to soul-search.

Or ego-stroking. That works too.

Here is our dear Pyro, reveling in the aftermath of a battle that destroyed the natural ecosystem of the land, but at least they kicked those ‘Cons’ asses!

Pyro, who’s revealed to be maybe perhaps not the best at coming up with one-liners, is left alone for a bit as Afterburner goes to check on the rest of their men. As he tries to piece together a speech to deliver, he sees a green something- they’re always green, aren’t they?- and that something is the Shimmer.

Well, heck.

Over on the dilapidated space station of Debris (wow, that’s even less subtle than usual for this franchise) Springer’s holding a bullet. I mean, it’s not really a bullet, and the Decepticon who fired it wasn’t really a Decepticon.

I want you to know that I keep track of how many times 113 comes up in these stories, and for “Bullets" it’s a LOT.

Today’s letter from Agent 113 foreshadows/hindshadows the events of Last Stand, claiming that the DJD hasn’t heard anything from Garrus-9 since the Surge happened. Prowl’s concerned that Fortress Maximus is still alive in there and fighting off the Decepticons while waiting for backup, so he recently called Springer and invited the Wreckers on a mission.

All Springer has to do is pick some sorry sons of guns to die.

Over with Guzzle, who is romanticizing a weapon, comparing his gun to a religious artifact, our dear little bastard man has realized that he does, in fact, have emotions, and is in mourning over his lost comrades, who died rescuing Kup from Tsiehshi. Guzzle doesn’t much appreciate this whole “feeling” thing, and would rather it didn’t get in the way of him shooting statues for no other reason than him wanting to. Then he sees the Shimmer, and feels fear. He doesn’t much care for that, either.

Even Nick Roche is powerless to stop this madness.

We reconfirm the fact that Ironfist is a massive nerd, then are shown that the bullet accident that will have killed him by the end of Last Stand #5 has already happened. Ever so slowly, the bullet is heading for Ironfist’s brain. Every time it hits a new layer of his noggin, he blacks out.

Ironfist is going to leave on his super-fun, not-at-all-traumatizing Wrecker adventure soon, and he’s promised Skyfall his workshop. Skyfall was at Grindcore for a while, and that kind of gave him PTSD, so when Ironfist had gotten accepted to Kimia, he’d brought him along for the ride.

I like to call Grindcore Eugenesis-lite.

Because Skyfall is a reckless son of a gun with access to Ironfist’s workshop, he inadvertently caused a major incident with something called Black Phosphex, which resulted in the deaths of several Autobots because it wasn’t properly tested. This landed him in Garrus-9 for a bit, in a temporary career-path deviation, until it was time to come home to Kimia, just in time for the Inquiry.

Are stans always this intense? Because good lord, Ironfist.

Over at Karashi Delta, in the aftermath of a fierce battle, Rotorstorm is hyping himself the fuck up.

But does he buy it himself?

Hmm, survey says no.

Of course, verbal abuse isn’t the only thing we’ll be getting here. No, things begin to escalate pretty rapidly with Jetstream, who moves from shoving to almost beating Rotorstorm to death in a matter of months, before disappearing from the station forever.

Dang, this Jetstream fella kinda sucks. What’s his friggin’ problem?

Ah.

Again, I can’t stress this enough, Whirl’s awful flipper claws from back during his time as a cop do not make a nice fist. He was basically stabbing Rotorstorm. Who let this man be a teacher?

Rotorstorm is snapped out of his self-deprecating flashbacks by the sight of something on the canyon lip up ahead. It’s the gotdang Shimmer. Rotorstorm books it, not wanting to be caught by a harbinger of death. It doesn’t work, but points for trying.

Back on Debris, Springer’s picked his new recruits. Now all he has to do is call them up. Hey, isn’t Springer green? Green like the Shimmer? How about that.

Back on Kimia, Skyfall’s wandered into Ironfist’s workshop to share the gossip on Fisitron’s latest Wreckers: Declassified. Folks are a bit critical of his writing style, it would seem.

Of course Swerve knows what fan-fiction is. He seems like exactly the type to make fun of it, then read a 43,000 word fic in a single sitting, under cover of darkness, burning with shame all the while.

After making a note on his current Wreckers: Declassified document to ease up on the adverbs, Ironfist switches gears and gets busy on his other project: an Unofficial Wreckers’ Training Guide. I wonder when the switch from Primal Vanguard to Wreckers as a hyperfixation happened for him.

Ironfist asks Skyfall what entry he’s currently on, and the answer is a ways away from the latest one. Skyfall’s a slow reader, but he doesn’t want to just beam it all into his brain because it feels like cheating. He asks Ironfist when he’s going to cover the Wreckers’ mission to Garrus-9, the one that happened while he was there being not-imprisoned. Ironfist gives a non-answer, then asks if Skyfall wants to help with packing up the war-crime guns. Skyfall most certainly does not.

Ironfist starts breaking everything down when he gets a call from Prowl, as happened in Last Stand #4.

Back with Springer, we’re giving our dad a hug, as he greets Kup. It’s here we find out who Ironfist replaced on the Wrecker team for Operation: Retrieval- it was Skyfall. Skyfall had impressed Springer during their last Garrus-9 excursion, and thought that he’d be a good fit for the team, despite the Black Phosphex incident.

Kup goes full old man story time mode about how insanely boring Prowl is, while Springer gets the door. On the other side is Twin Twist, Top Spin, and Perceptor. They hold the vote, Ironfist given immunity due to unmentioned Prowl reasons, and Springer gets ready to call all their new pals.

Back at Ironfist’s workshop, Ironfist reflects on just how his life got to this point. He’s going to join the Wreckers! Never mind the fact that he’ll be going to die, and that’s if the bullet crawling around in his skull doesn’t get him first. Never mind the very likely possibility that he’s being exploited by Prowl. Nah, he’s gonna go on an adventure! It’s gonna be awesome! Yaaaaay!

It doesn’t pay to be blue and naive when Roberts is handling the story. Just ask Pipes.

Or don’t. You won’t get an answer.

Called it.

Ironfist, starstruck, bumbles his way through the conversation we saw in the Mosaic, and so it was that he became a Wrecker. All he has to do is pop on over to Rung’s office, get his head examined, then get his butt on over to Babu Yar.

Telecon work completed, Springer reflects on the fact that Guzzle turned him down. It’s not often someone turns down the chance to be a Wrecker.

Oh, well, never mind then.

Ironfist immediately tells Skyfall about what’s happened, because he’s just so jazzed to be a Wrecker. Skyfall isn’t quite as thrilled, but does his best to be supportive.

And by that I mean he’s not listening in the slightest as he’s already planning out the interior design for the workshop once Ironfist is gone. I bet he’ll get Atomizer to help him, the tacky bastard.

Skyfall runs off to go look at paint swatches or whatever, and Ironfist finalizes the stuff for the Ethics Committee pickup.

Oh, so that appointment wasn’t on Kimia after all. Can we please get some sort of fast-track program for the mental health specific degrees? We can’t keep using Rung for everybody, he’s only one person.

Oh heavens, Ironfist, be careful.

Ironfist gets another call, and we jump scenes before we can figure out just who rang or why.

Brief timeskip, and we find ourselves at Babu Yar, as Ironfist introduces himself to Guzzle and his gun.

Ironfist is about as smooth as coarse-grit sandpaper.

While Ironfist is busy revealing his nerd shame to Guzzle, someone’s decided to be a cocky little asshole.

Oh, dramatic irony. Always a delightful sort of pain.

Rotorstorm cranks up the “I’m hot shit” act to 11.5, doing completely unnecessary flips and talking himself up like he will literally die if he doesn’t.

Off in the distance, something disingenuously impressive comes up over the hill.

Of course, it’s not Optimus Prime, but it is someone who would very much like to be him. Such is the nature of primus apotheosis. Gang’s all here!

This is going to turn out fan-fucking-tastic.

Rotorstorm and Guzzle want to play with the big gun Ironfist brought along, and since Ironfist is going to die anyway, he lets them go for it. This would be why everything was on fire at the start of the miniseries.

Yep. Just gotta make it hurt just a little more, doncha Roberts? Just gotta twist the knife.

Nine months after the events of the Garrus-9 mission, Skyfall is upset. He’s gone and played himself by not attending the Ethics Committee hearings, and they’ve taken all his toys away as a result. He tries to mask his lack of concern for safety precautions behind a facade of missing Ironfist, but it doesn’t get him the weapons back.

Feeling cross, he decides it’s about time he made a visit to the Exit Rooms to blow off a little steam.

Later, he gets a call. Worried that his lack of ethics and/or his drunken squabbling has gotten him in trouble yet again, he’s loathe to answer, but does anyway.

Ghost call!

No, it’s actually a prerecorded message, one that claims that Skyfall killed Ironfist. Ironfist had asked Brainstorm to take a gander at the gun after he got shot, and found that it had been tampered with, set to go off on its own when held a certain way. That’s who was calling before he left for his Wrecker mission. 

Skyfall starts to panic, expecting the security detail for Kimia to bust into the workshop at any second. 

Ironfist knows that only Skyfall could have done this to him, but he doesn’t know the exact motive. Was it because he was jealous of how good a weapons expert he was? A chip on his shoulder about Grindcore? Whatever the reason, Ironfist isn’t terribly concerned at the time of the recording. What he is concerned about is Gideon’s Glue.

Ironfist had, in fact, invented Gideon’s Glue, but he’d been so horrified by what the shit actually did, he flushed it into space and destroyed all research before the Ethics Committee even knew about it. It still got to the Decepticons, though, didn’t it? How could such a thing happen?

Probably not, considering what happens next.

Ironfist is a smart guy, but more importantly, he knows how to reach his audience. Literally, in this case, as Skyfall finds out, when the Enforcement Squad starts trying to break down the door. Ironfist had the message that Skyfall is currently listening to primed for beaming into all of Fisitron’s reader’s brains. Everyone knows what happened. Swerve. Atomizer. Ratchet, who’s over on Earth right now. First Aid, who has enough bullshit to worry about on Delphi without this nonsense. You. Me. Everyone.

Skyfall, in a mad attempt to save himself, throws some of Ironfist’s Wrecker memorabilia at the door, and out pops that last tube of Gideon’s Glue.

There’s only one way out of this one.

This got really intense at the end, didn’t it?

Video Game Questionate

Tagged by @joufancyhuh

Tagging: @sunnydae and @nym7, if you want to play. 

You’ll discover real quick here that I have not played many games. I like what I like XD

-Games-

First game you ever played: Pirates of the Caribbean online? I burned through the free version in a couple days and then my friend bought me Sid Meier’s Pirates. 

Favorite game: Either ME2 or ME3. I just love how the second upends the optimism of the first game and shows you the dark underbelly of the galaxy. And I always love me a good lazarus story. And the raw emotion of the world ending in 3. And how it ties together so many threads of previous games (though sometimes it gets a little weird.)

Game you hated at first but now love: Can I say ME1? It was a steep learning curve getting through that game the first time. I nearly rage quit SO many times fighting that Krogan battlemaster on Therum. 

Game you used to love but now hate: I spend a lot of time in Skyrim. Hundreds of hours. But I don’t see myself going back. No matter how many times it gets remastered/rereleased. 

Game with the best group/companion(s): ME2. They sound like the literal worst of the galaxy, but then you get to know them all and realize they must be protected at all costs. God, even Zaeed won me over in the end.

A game with your favorite ending: ME3, destroy ending specifically. There’s something about Shepard shooting a wannabe god with a pistol. The anger on their face. Their resolve. The ensuing explosion. Everything that happens after I would have written differently, though, tbh. 

A game with the WORST ending: ....this might be an unpopular opinion, but I really hate how DA2 ends. It kind of feels like the main events of that game happen no matter what you do? I was kind of hoping to see a less violent side to the mages, especially since they seem queer coded to me. It feels like Bioware was trying too hard to justify the Chantry’s behavior. (Yes I’m aware that it sounds like Anders wrote this. xD)

Best character customization?: Of the one’s I’ve played? Mass Effect Andromeda. Though I feel like Femryder has better options than Maleryder.

-Hero and Companions-

Your favorite playable character:  Shepard << hands down. Though being gay in Ancient Greece as Kassandra was a ton of fun too.

The funniest playable character: Hawke

Your favorite companion(s): (in no particular order) Kaidan, Peebee, Aria (it was just a DLC, but STILL), James Vega, Grunt, Jack, Anders, Isabella, Zevran, Merill, Morrigan, Ikarous, Legion

Companions you could live without: Oghren.  Cora Harper. Liam Kosta. Wynne. Liara T’Soni. Leliana. 

-Relationships-

Favorite game friendship(s): Vega & Cortez, Tali and Legion (as late as it was), Joker & EDI (hey it was total enemies -> friends -> lovers over the course of the game), Merill & Isabella, Hawke & Varric, Shepard & Joker

Favorite companion banter:  “You would be one to like grizzly bears, Mr. Vega!” “Heh, heh...huh?”

A relationship you loved but went bad: Alistair/Warden, Femshep/Vega (in game only. I don’t mind the fix it fics)

A relationship you weren’t sure of but loved: Zevran/Warden

A character you wish you COULD romance: *deep breath*  Sloane Kelly. Jeff “Joker” Moreau, Kasumi Goto. Miranda Lawson (as Femshep). Ashley Williams (as Femshep). Jack (as Femshep), Aria T’loak (actual romance please), Morrigan (as a female Warden), Tali (as Femshep), Gianna Parasini. Honorable (or dishonorable??) mention to Brynjolf of Skryim Thieves Guild. 

A minor character you wish could be a companion:  I really can’t think of any? Unless we’re counting Clone Shep. :P Oo! Nyreen Kandros. 

-Fun-

Shoutout to a random NPC: That Salarian construction worker you find on his break during the Citadel DLC. May I have that much chill when meeting Commander Shepard. Rolan Quarn. 

A game you love watching playthroughs for and want to play: None. I hate watching playthroughs and only do it when I need dialogue for a specific scene. ^^This!

Love watching playthroughs but won’t ever play: see above <-

Online gaming or solo?: I may have got my start in online gaming, but I prefer solo. The only exception seems to be playing Among Us with friends.

Why do you play video games?: To be honest, I started playing games regularly because the hormone regulator I take (spironolactone) makes me kind of light headed sometimes. And when I first started taking it, my dermatologist gave me a much stronger dose than I needed. I was basically useless for two hours a day. I take a more reasonable dose now, but the habit remains. Eat lunch, take meds, and play games for two hours when I can. Now it’s more of a self-care thing. I find video games help me cope with PTSD. Combat situations that I can beat without too much challenge relieves that fight instinct my reptile brain is always trying to activate. Puzzle games like sudoku and mahjong (the matching game, not so much the original strategy game) help me with freeze responses. 

Newsies/Teen Wolf AU

Title: Unleashed

Summary: Mike and Ike take things too far. Jack decides he's had enough of it.

A/N: Hello! This is a scene from Season 3a, episode 4 of the MTV show Teen Wolf. If you haven't seen it, basically the twins try to get one of the werewolves to kill someone and the main protagonist decides to put an end to it.

Warnings: Violence (not horrible), claustrophobia, panic, near death experience, mentions of PTSD.

***

"The two of you will wash all the boards in this hall. Reshelving the library. Restocking the janitor's closet." Katherine glances to the girl sitting in front of her and instantly tenses. Out of all people she could get detention with, it had to be her. The girl who tried to kill Katherine and her friends not once, not twice, but multiple times.

"Mr. Harris-" Katherine pauses when the arrogant excuse of a chemistry teacher turns his stoney glare on her. "Um, does it have to be with her?"

"Now that I know you prefer not to, yes. You have to be with her." Mr. Harris hands Katherine the keys to the janitor's closet before turning, not notices to obviously expression of anger and annoyance on Sarah's face. Katherine isn't much better, although she hesitantly follows Sarah to the janitor's closet down the hall from Mr. Harris' classroom. Katherine grabs the cart full of different sanitary items to restock and begrudgingly follows the hunter. She waits in boredom once they reach the closet, waiting for Sarah to unlock the door. As soon as it's open, Katherine tenses and her breath catches in her throat.

It's small. Too small. The only way too escape is through the singular door which has no window. What if they get locked in? What if no one comes looking for then after they've been missing? What if-

"Are you okay?" Sarah's slightly bored tone brings Katherine out of her minor panic. Her face heats up because she knows that Sarah knows. Sarah knows about what Katherine's father did. She knows about the freezer. She knows everything.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm just not a big fan of, um, small spaces." Katherine hesitantly follows Sarah into the closet, pulling the small cart in behind her. She leaves the cart halfway in the doorway to act as a doorstop in case the door shuts. Sarah starts stacking wrapped rolls of toilet paper while Katherine restocks the box of mop heads.

"Can I ask you something?" Sarah suddenly asks, not facing Katherine.

"Do you have to?" Katherine huffs, generally hoping to avoid any unnecessary exchanges. She can act civil around Sarah, that doesn't mean she'd ever go out of her way to give the annoying hunter even a smile.

"I guess not. i'm gonna ask anyway. Did you tell anyone that I was at school the other night?" Sarah's voice wavers just a little bit.

Ah yes, the night Sarah went against everything her and Davey agreed on to help save Smalls and Sniper from slaughtering the entire town. Katherine had been chasing the two rapid werewolves into the high school when a flash of bright light went off and both wolves retreated into the school. She had looked up to see none other than Sarah Jacobs standing on the roof of a bus, bow and arrow in hand.

Katherine knows her and Davey decided to stay out of the supernatural. Davey broke that pact when Jack managed to convince him to help track Sniper and Smalls, although it took a lot of convincing. Sarah seemed to have broken the pact long before that, seeing as she was the reason Sniper and Smalls had escaped in the first place.

"Was I supposed to?" Katherine lets out a deep breath, already tried of the conversation. She has enough to deal with already, with the twins still being around and Spot having found his little sister who he thought was dead. It's all a mess.

"It would make me really happy if you didn't." Sarah seems to relax just a bit, enough for Katherine to notice. She scowls at the back of the hunter and continues slowly stacking mop heads.

"Yeah, well, you being happy really isn't a big priority of mine, since you stabbed me, what, 20 times with knives." Katherine can sometimes still feel the blades. It was the night they found Hotshot and Snyder. Spot had made it clear that Hotshot couldn't leave alive, but Sarah and Jack were dedicated to keeping him alive. Personally, Katherine could care less. Hotshot was a dick, but she only gave up when she was repeatedly stabbed with multiple knives.

"Actually, they were Chinese Ring Daggers, but-" Sarah turns and immediately cuts herself off when she sees the way Katherine's eyebrows pinch together. "Oh, um, sorry."

"Was that an apology?" Katherine can't lie and say she isn't shocked, she's never not butted heads with Sarah on literally everything. An apology from Sarah to Katherine, especially since Katherine is friends with Spot and Spot did kill Sarah's older brother, is definitely not expected.

"Would you accept an apology?" Sarah asks and Katherine can see she actually means it.

"Um-" Katherine goes to answer, but she's cut off when something crashes into her and throws her against one of the shelves in the small room. She quickly stands up, ignoring the slight pain in her back, to see the supply cart now tipped in the room and the door slammed shut. Her eyes widen and she unintentionally starts breathing harder as she kicks the cart aside and pushes on the door.

"No, no, no, no." She mutters as she jiggles the hand countless times and pushes against the door. The handle turns, but the door doesn't budge. Even with the strength being a werewolf gives her, she can't move it the slightest.

"Maybe it's locked from the outside." Sarah offers, hoping to calm down an obviously panicked Katherine. It's not hard to tell that Katherine is panicking because of all those years living with her father and everything he did to her.

"No, there's something against it." Katherine starts frantically hitting door and pushing against it, effectively startling Sarah. She tenses when she hears an almost inaudible growl and she instinctively searches the room for anything to defend herself with.

"Okay, okay, okay. Okay, uh, all right. Just relax." Sarah starts to slowly panic, knowing she's in a locked room with a ticking time bomb.

"No." Katherine doesn't even leave room for argument as she starts knocking harder on the door, maybe in hopes of getting someone's attention. Sarah tries to get her to relax, to take a deep breath and realize she isn't with her father and that someone will eventually find them.

"Katherine!" Sarah finally yells loud enough to get through to the girl.

At least, that's what she thinks.

She's about to relax when she hears a louder growl. She watches in curious horror as Katherine turns around, her eyes glowing yellow and the tips of razor sharp fangs hiding behind her parted lips.

"Katherine, don't-" She hardly gets the words out before she's roughly pinned against one of the shelves, claws digging into the skin of her arms. Katherine growls low, her eyes feral. Sarah only stares wide eyed for a second before she starts screaming. She knows if she's stuck in here with Katherine, she'll die.

"Katherine, come on! Katherine!" Sarah manages to fight off Katherine long enough for the door to suddenly burst open and Katherine to disappear.

"Katherine!" Sarah jumps as Jack yells, although it's more of a growl. Sarah can see Katherine on the floor, her shoulders and chest heaving, although her fangs and claws have retracted. Her eyes eventually stop glowing yellow and turn back to their natural shade of brown. Her eyebrows quickly pinch together and confusion is evident on her face.

"Hey, Sarah." She flinches as Jack steps closer to her and she notices how tightly she's holding one of her wrists.

"I'm fine, really." Although she's scared out of her mind and she's never gotten along with Katherine, she knows it's not Katherine's fault. Something happened and Sarah knows better than anyone what PTSD can do to a person. She can also tell by the pure fear, shock, and confusion on Katherine's face.

"I'm- I'm sorry, I didn't- I didn't mean to do that." Katherine stumbles over her words as she rushes them out, her body subconsciously curling into itself. "I'm sorry."

"I know. Jack, it's not her fault." Sarah can see the skepticism on Jack's face. She knows Jack is still hesitant to trust Katherine.

"I know. I guess the twins want to get you more than angry. They want to get someone hurt." Jack sighs, shaking his head. He knows that if Katherine or any of the others lash out, it'll cause chaos that will only give the Alphas more of a reason to convince Spot to join them.

"So are we going to do something?" Katherine sits up straighter, although she doesn't look anyone in the eye and she keeps her knees close to her chest.

"Yeah. I'm gonna get them angry. Really, angry." Jack narrows his eyes and that's all it takes for the three to start planning.

***

"You know that there's a temple in Calcutta where they used to sacrifice a child every day? That's every day a dead baby, Albert, every day! Hey, you want to know what today is? It's dead baby day. Oh, no, wait, that's every day, because every day is dead baby day, yay!" Race throws his arms dramatically, only cringing slightly as some lower classmen pass them with odd facial expressions.

"Why are you telling me this?" Albert sighs, continuing his trek towards the other side of the school.

Race huffs dramatically, already knowing the attempt is futile. Ever since the deer, then Albert's dog, then the birds, he's found the pattern. Everything weird is happening in threes. So far, there's been three animal panics and three virgins killed. The only problem is, now he thinks whoever's causing this is going after protectors or something, he still hasn't found out that pattern.

"Because Jack's dealing with the Alpha Twins, someone has to deal with this!" Race raises his eyebrows, although they pull together when he sees the slight confusion on Albert's face. Albert drops walking, a far off look on his face. "You don't know about the twins?"

"Alphas?" Albert narrows his eyes in thought. It makes sense, even if he didn't know about it. Of course he'd never admit that, Race would find it too satisfying. Plus, nothing is ever normal in this town.

"Mike and Ike." Race confirms, waiting to see why Albert stopped walking. He wonders if maybe Albert doesn't know, but then he remembers Albert is a literal genius.

"Oh, yeah. Yeah, I knew." Albert starts walking again, not waiting as Race runs after him and falls into step with him.

"Okay, okay, good. So look, here's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking that the murders maybe come in threes. Ancient people love things in threes, right? So maybe first it's three virgins, and then, I don't know, maybe it's three people who own little dogs." Race nearly falls on his face as Albert comes to a sudden stop.

"I own a little dog." Albert glares at Race, although he can't deny the slight fear he now has. He notices the slightly guilty, slightly suggestive look on Race's face that goes along with a sigh and Albert scoffs before storming towards the other side of campus with Race in tow. "I'm not getting rid of my dog."

"Would you just think about getting rid of your little dog?!"

***

It's last period when everything falls into place. Albert and Race are in their respective classes as the warning bells rings. Mike and Ike sit in their class, both bored out of their minds since their plan to make Katherine snap failed.

But a plan has been set in motion.

"How long is this going to take?" Katherine huffs, her arms crossed as she stands next to a shiny, new motorcycle. Not even seconds later, the bike roars to life and Sarah stands up with a pair of tweezers in hand. Katherine offers her and impressed look before throwing her leg over the bike and positioning herself comfortably on it. She jumps only a bit when Sarah's suddenly right next to her, gesturing to the handle bars.

"Okay, pull back with your left hand. Kick down to put in gear. Front brake. Throttle. Back brake for stopping." Sarah turns her head and both girls are suddenly very aware of how close they are. Despite the earlier problem and past problems, Katherine knows Sarah saw her in a vulnerable state earlier. The fact that Sarah recognized this and didn't blame Katherine created a whole new level of trust. And maybe sparked something new. Sarah suddenly backs away, far enough so she won't risk getting hurt by the bike. "Try not to crash."

Meanwhile, Jack is all but running across campus to get to his last period class. He can't help the slight grin when he sees and open desk next to the twins and he squeezes the strap of his now heavy backpack anxiously. He makes sure to sit down loudly, enough to catch the twins' attention through the chatter of the classroom. He drops his bag and immediately notices how the twins both turn at the sound of metal hitting against metal in the bag.

As class starts and Ms. Blake, the English teacher, starts talking, Jack calmly opens his bag and pulls out a large rod.

"Looks kind of important." He can tell by the wide eyes of Mike and Ike that both recognize the motorcycle part. Dismantling one motorcycle wasn't too hard and it won't be hard to put back together, but the look of pure anger and confusion on Mike and Ike's faces is worth it. With a smirk, he pulls out a gear and spins it on his finger. "I have no clue what this does."

Both twins turn to each other before the sound of a motorcycle revving meets their ears, only loud enough for their enhanced hearing to catch. Jack carefully packs the gears back in the bag and zips it, waiting for the unavoidable break.

"Wait, Mike, don't!" Ike hisses as Mike bolts from his desk, the motorcycle engine getting closer. Mike runs down the hallway towards the sound to see none other than Katherine slowing the bike as she reaches Mike, eyes narrowed and a small smirk on her face.

"Get off my bike!" Mike yells as he grabs the handle bars, his shoulders heaving and anger behind his voice.

"No problem." Katherine revs the engine one more time before getting off and hurrying towards an open stairwell. It's at that moment that Mike must notice what just happened, especially as multiple classroom doors open and the hallways slowly fill.

"You have got to be kidding me." Mike's head snaps up to see an angry and shocked Ms. Blake, followed by his entire English class. He grips the handles of the bike tighter, knowing there's no way out of this without him getting in trouble for what happened with Katherine and Sarah earlier. "You realize this is going to result in a suspension."

Mike notices movement out of the corner of his eye and he looks over to see a smug Katherine standings next to Sarah and Jack, all three trying to hide smirks as they discreetly high five each other.

Although they successful angered at least one twin, probably both actually, they don't anticipate the retaliation that will soon follow.

***

A/N: I hoped you like it! This is one of my favorite scenes from Season 3a of Teen Wolf and although it doesn't make sense, I can drop a season synopsis to help it make some sense. If you really want to understand, all the seasons of Teen Wolf are on Amazon Prime, u seriously recommend watching them. It's kind of cringy, but only because of 2010/2011 CGI.

I'll probably try to write more of these to go more in depth with characters, some will be sad and others funny or both, but I promise I will try to make some more fics like this.

Feel free to send me an ask or episode recommendation that you'd like to see! I'd love to write different scenes from different seasons for you guys, just let me know what you want to see and I can work on it!!!!

So...I just found something that I'd written one night at like 4am a month into lockdown.

It's pretty much a very unnecessarily angry rant.

I can probably contradict half the stuff I say in it myself. It's just...kinda rude in places and when I'm thinking straight there's some parts I don't really agree with myself. It's not aimed at anybody and I'm definitely a hypocrite but I'm gonna post it anyways so go wild I guess.

So I recently took a stroll through Stucky fanfiction on ao3. For a while there I'd been avoiding it, and I'd nearly convinced myself that my mind was exaggerating the whole bottom!Bucky/top!Steve thing but yeah, I'm not.

Normally, I'd say who tops or bottoms doesn't matter. It's pretty irrelevant. But... since the majority of the fanfictions clearly prefer to write bottom!Bucky, obviously, there is some significance. Wouldn't the proportion be more equal if it truly was irrelevant?

Besides being annoying as fuck, it's also pretty interesting I guess. I have nothing else to do so I'm going to be ranting about a lot of stuff.

So, I mostly try to look for bottom!Steve, right? Because that's what I like. I read a bottom!Steve fic, then I say, "Hmm, this author seems to like bottom!Steve, maybe they've written more?" I go check, and I find...mostly bottom!Bucky, with maybe one or two more bottom!Steve.

It's fine the first few times, but after a while it's honestly weird. Clearly, a lot of very good authors have no problem writing bottom!Steve. They just happen to write more bottom!Bucky. As far as I can tell, that's pretty much the common trend. But why? What exactly does one think while starting a new fic, going all, "Hmm...I think...this time.... we're gonna have bottom!Bucky again." Again and again and again until it's most times.

Why is bottom!Steve so fetishized? I don't mean the fics that actually have a dom/sub element. I mean just pure bottom!Steve itself. Why does it have to be some sort of rarity?

As far as I know, there's...really nothing in canon indicating who would likely top or bottom. (I mean yeah, I do believe that canon Bucky is more likely to want to dom than canon Steve, but that's different.)

So, what is it?

Sure, Steve is taller, has a deeper voice, more muscle, a beard....but those are just physical things. They don't actually have anything to do with taking or giving.

Besides, he used to be small before. Is that what this is about? Previously tiny man likes to be in control? Likes to...what? Prove he's a manlier man? Bullshit. Besides the fact that it's bullshit, it also doesn't seem to fit with canon Steve.

The "Sometimes I think you like getting punched" and the "And you've got nothing to prove" make me think that his proving himself had less to do with showing his dominance and more to do with showing his endurance. I'd say bottoming is exactly what he'd want to do.

Besides, wasn't that exactly what made his relationship with Bucky special? The fact that he didn't have to "prove himself" in any way? Bucky already knew his worth.

Is it because Steve likes to give orders? Some sort of "Oh, this guy was always meant to be the leader"? Well, there's a huge difference between being a leader, giving orders in a battlefield...and giving orders in the bedroom. And I'm pretty sure top/bottom preferences would be completely unrelated to who's the boss at work.

But nevermind that, as far as I can tell, sure Steve gives orders, but he also looks to the people he trusts for guidance. The best example is Nat. The thing that makes their friendship so goddamm precious is partly in the way he always glances at her for confirmation before making a decision. Isn't Bucky sort of like an Ultimate Nat with sex benefits?

Nevermind that too. Steve bossing people around is great, but that's not the point, is it? The point is does he enjoy it? I think, the only movie where he did look like he relished his power was TFA. I'm pretty confident that's because of the novelty of his new strength partially, and partially also because of the rush caused by his back to back successes. Why? Because he never seems to take that kind of enjoyment again. As opposed to...maybe Sam? The guy who gets his literal wings back after (presumably) years and lets out a whoop after being chased by the missile thingies. Sam's joy doesn't wear off. Steve's does.

Is it just me, or has this skew towards bottom!Bucky actually increased over the years? Why? I can say a few things on this.

First, maybe people need to remember a bit more that Sebastian Stan is not Bucky Barnes. Chris Evans is not Steve Rogers. And Steve Rogers is not Captain America.

No matter what you think about the actors, the characters they play are separate. Please.

Second, there is a very interesting theory that exists which says that the reason why Bucky is so popular in the fandom is because his character arc is relatable to women and the queer community in the fact that it's about him regaining his stolen agency. Which is true.

Does this have anything to do with him bottoming though? I mean, I don't know. Fanfictions are important because they allow us to explore ourselves, whether it's our sexuality or our trauma that we're trying to figure out. In that way, it makes sense that maybe we will tend to write Bucky as a bottom more often. Except no.

Partly because, having had bad experiences at a young age myself, and being queer myself, I do not relate to Bucky. And hypothetically speaking, I would totally bottom for Peggy or Bucky, but I would rail the absolute shit out of Steve. I canNOT be the only one.

Partly also because yeah, a lot of fanfiction is projection, which is good for the soul, both yours and mine, but not to the point where we create a fanon version of the character completely different from the canon one. Yeah, you could say that canon doesn't really give us much of a character, but clearly they give us something and we have to build up on that right? It's true for both Bucky and Steve. Bucky barely has lines, but his actions speak enough. There's an absolutely breathtaking character waiting for you in canon if you really want to look. As for Steve, let me just say, sass and the tiniest little hints of PTSD do not make a whole character. Marvel fucked it up, but this goes for the fandom too (this is keeping in mind that Steve technically has three movies dedicated to him and Bucky doesn't)

Stop treating Steve like your personal punching bag, Stucky fandom.

It does happen, if we project our bad experiences on Bucky, Steve often naturally fills the role of the clueless/mildly asshole-ish love interest. Not too much of an asshole though, clearly you love him.

That's fine. Fanfiction is about self expression, but should we lose sight of the canon characters that we loved so much in the first place? And isn't fanfiction just as much about exploring those characters, as objectively as we possibly can?

Another thing related to that...why do we only have to identify with one character? I don't know how to put this, but there's a thing called halo effect and I think that's kind of what happens (I'm not a psychologist).

You see something in Bucky. And then you start to attribute more and more things to him that may or may not actually exist. Like yeah, he's fullfilling the traditional love interest role in Steve's movies, but that doesn't automatically mean he's a bottom. The two things are... actually entirely unrelated. They're only related in your mind. And similar to that, when we see one thing in a character that we identify with, we kind of want to see even more things in them we identify with, but it doesn't have to be like that. That's not how any person works, and it's not how any fully developed character works. You can relate to both the characters in different ways, no need to dump it all in one.

Ok, another thing, that I don't like to think about but it's occured to me and I don't like it. So, Steve is generally coded as a bisexual, right? And Bucky is coded as gay. Look yourself in the eye in the mirror and think about whether you're unconsciously assuming that the bi guy isn't going to want to bottom. I'm a bisexual woman, I will top Steve. I kind of resent this.

Going off on another tangent, I have also delved into Stony on my quest for bottom!Steve. Pretty sure there's even less of that there. Why??? That's crazy.

Normally, I'm pretty sure Tony would be coded as the top. He's much older, richer. He clearly has control issues. That's one of his defining features. Control. (I don't mean that in a bad way.) So....what exactly do Bucky and Tony have in common besides dark hair and short hight? The only thing I could come up with was thotiness. They're both shown as Thots. Is that it? The Thot Bottoms? Ok.

Is it the whole energy thing? "Bucky has bottom energy"? Does he? Can you argue with me if I say that TFA Steve has bratty bottom energy? That TFA Bucky goes from service top energy to mean top energy? Pretty sure that's subjective. But what exactly are we seeing differently here? I'm honestly asking.

Bucky's character is ridiculously strong, stronger than Steve in some ways (besides probably physically). Specifically, it's because of his ability to not only survive, but heal. Can we acknowledge how crazy that is? He's just fucking buying plums, but that's still more than we've ever seen Steve do. You can say his trauma is greater, but it looks like his coping ability is greater too. So is that what this is? Steve doesn't cope. Instead he focuses on external things like being Cap, Hydra, Bucky. I wouldn't call that a healthy way of living...but it's romantic, right? Neglecting to take care of yourself? No, actually avoiding taking care of yourself by focusing entirely on another person? Is that it? We're romanticizing unhealthy behaviour?

Is it because you feel more for Bucky, wearing his hurt on his sleave, versus Steve who wears it hidden under his skin?

Am I allowed to believe that Steve's ultimate shield isn't the vibranium one, but Captain America himself?

That's just me getting off track and mildly pissy but the point stands. We like seeing Steve in control. He wears it well. He's good at it. But that's just not that relevant. You don't just boss poeple around in the bedroom because you're good at it, you have to want it too. Would he want it? Is a commanding voice really an indicator of a person's desire to command? Can we really say because he's usually the one giving orders (because that's his actual job), that he likes it too? Does he look like he especially likes it? No.

I've been around fandoms long enough to know that all fandoms always have a preference regarding who ultimately tops or bottoms. This isn't the first time it's bugged me, but it feels more this time because I just don't see it. And it makes me angry because it contradicts what I feel, are the best parts of the characters. No, Bucky bottoming isn't the contradiction..but all this that I wrote, the connotations of this kind of coding, the underlying thoughts.... some of it is just not nice, but some of it opposes the little things that humanize these characters. It wouldn't matter, except that it wouldn't have happened at all if it didn't matter.

It's not just what happens to them in canon that matters so much. It's also what they choose to do for themselves when they have the chance. It feels like they made their choices and half the fandom ignored it. "Nah man, you'll look better at the bottom. Look at that hair."

Because ultimately, that's what it feels like to me. A mixture of not thinking too much about it (though I know this post probably counts as overthinking), some wierd internalised heteronormativity, and I don't know what just kind of fucks with all of us. All I know is that I hate it. I hate it.

It's not the bottom!Bucky I hate, it's the underlying, unthinking assumptions. The way it's a foregone conclusion. It's not. I really just want to be able to read the goddamn fanfictions again without wanting to tear my skin off.

( You can help by giving reccs)

Whumpmas In July 6: “Water”

So FIRST OF ALL, this is based on a prompt I saw one million years ago, and I CAN’T FIND IT. So apologies to whatever wonderful whumper once wrote a prompt about the villain collapsing on the hero’s doorstep, telling them “I had nowhere else to go.” Here’s my very belated take on it, for an also-belated @whumpmasinjuly day 6.

Contains: Lady Whump, Villain Whump, Hypothermia, Implied Sexual Assault, PTSD, Trauma Bonding, And Of Course Drugs

---

It was Mid-November now. A few days before the fourth anniversary of the day Gretchen had kidnapped him, the moment that marked the jagged break between his past and his present. Two weeks after their most recent interaction, a fiasco that ended with a dozen mobsters dead and Archie in the hospital with a gunshot wound -- his first, surprisingly enough, considering how many other injuries he had survived so far. Recovering under the eagle eyes of Henry and Susan and Fergus had been a nightmare, with all of them hellbent on keeping him from relapsing no matter how much he argued that he had literally been shot and how on earth could that not be enough of a reason to make an exception. But they had finally let him out of the hospital, and he had finally convinced them that he didn’t need them hovering over him every second of the day, and he was finally alone.

And he could finally get high. 

It was a miracle that nobody had gone through his bloodstained clothes, rolled up and stuffed in a plastic bag to take home from the hospital like the world’s worst souvenir. So when Susan finally left and he ripped open the bag and dug through the ruined fabric, the illicit bottle of Oxycodone was still there, in the jacket pocket. He had only taken a few that night, and they were so small and packed so tightly there must be nearly a hundred still. He took three, stretched out on the couch, and was floating blissfully away from himself when he heard the knock at the door.

It took a minute for Archie to identify the sound as a knock, and not just because he was spaced out. It was more of a dull and uneven thud than the sharp noise of a usual knock, and after the first sound there was nothing at all for thirty seconds. It was a wet night, as most nights were in Portland in November, and he thought maybe it was thunder or a fallen branch or just the rain itself, which had its own personality and could be as obnoxiously persistent as Susan sometimes. But then the noise happened again, and this time it came two times in a row, and he was sure it was at the door, not the window, and he was sure it was an intentional, human noise.

This presented its own set of problems. What he wanted was to ignore it until whoever it was went away. Unfortunately, people had a tendency to assume he was in trouble if he didn’t respond to them right away, and at this point he couldn’t really blame them for that. So he had to deal with this, whoever it was, and if he wanted to avoid another stint in rehab he had to deal with it while acting convincingly sober. Great. 

After grabbing the prescription bottle off the coffee table and stuffing it under the couch cushions, Archie made his way across what felt like a mile-wide expanse of carpet to the door, and clutched the handle for dear life until he could focus his eyes and at least mostly focus his mind on reality, holding onto it like an eel as it kept trying to wriggle away in different directions. 

He opened the door. 

She must have been supporting herself entirely by leaning on the door, because as soon as it swung open she collapsed, falling forward into the room. Archie managed, barely, to catch her, so that she slumped against him instead of hitting the floor. He kept her mostly upright with an arm around her waist and one around her shoulders, while her head lolled against his shoulder. He pulled her inside and kicked the door closed behind them. A glance toward the couch convinced him it was much too far for him to lug her there, when it had felt like an epic journey just to get himself from there to the door. Instead he lowered her as gently as he could to lie on the carpet in front of the door, kneeling beside her.

“Gretchen?” She was drenched -- and now he was too, just from holding her briefly -- and shivering wildly. No surprise -- she was wearing a thin, short, white dress, practically transparent and clinging to her, enough to show that she really was wearing nothing but that -- but even Archie was able to ignore the effect of that in the face of how badly she was doing. Her hair was a matted nest full of twigs and leaves. The rain was torrential, sure, but this couldn’t be just from the rain. Had she been in the river? 

Almost every inch of skin was purple and yellow and green with bruises and spattered with mud and with blood -- hers? someone else’s? There was no way to tell with the mess that she was. But that wasn’t nearly as concerning to him as the cold and the wet, the shivering and the shallowness of her breathing and the lack of any response to his voice. He cupped a hand around one of hers and touched her cheek. Fuck -- she was ice-cold. “Sweetheart, are you with me?” 

He shouldn’t have called her that. Not when he was actually worried about her, not when the catch in his fractured voice made it sound like he actually cared. He said it all the time, but always ironically. At least he could blame it on the pills. 

Regardless, it must have worked, must have cut through her numbness. Her eyes fluttered open -- of course they did, of course even in this condition her eyes would flutter open like Sleeping Beauty’s, startlingly blue and clear. “Darling. . . I didn’t. . .“ her lips were almost as blue as her eyes, and they weren’t moving easily, so her speech came out heavy, muddy and slurred almost too much to understand. But Archie was used to focusing his whole attention on her, her words were too often a key to life or death, so he picked out the fumbling syllables easily. “I didn’t know where else to go. . . .”

“It’s okay -- you’re okay, I’m here.” He was suddenly intensely grateful for, of all things, that awful winter when the river flooded. It had given him enough experience with hypothermia that he knew everything he needed to do, nearly on autopilot. “We just need to get you out of your wet clothes and dried off and wrapped up warm.”

“Sounds like you’re just trying to get me into bed,” she mumbled, eyes drifting shut again. 

“Yeah, that’s right.” He wasn’t sure if she was joking or if she was just too out of it to understand the reality of the situation. She was half-right though, bed would be the easiest place to get her warm. “If I help you, do you think you can you make it there?” It was farther than the couch, but if she could make it there, he wasn’t going to let the few extra feet stop him. 

“Uh huh,” she said, not very convincingly. 

“Okay. Sitting up first.” He tucked his hands under her shoulders and pulled her up to a sitting position. She leaned drunkenly against him. This was not a good start. “Standing now, okay?”

“Mm hm.”

He got his feet under him and helped her wrap his arms around his neck -- none of her limbs were moving well on their own. But they made it up, somehow, and down the short hall to the bedroom, Gretchen leaning heavily enough on him so that he was half-carrying her. She sat on the bed, managing to stay upright, though swaying. 

“Okay, we have to get this off of you.” It was only as he reached to get her out of the waterlogged dress that he realized it was the same faux-blood-spattered nurse costume she had been wearing on Halloween. What the hell happened to her? But it wasn’t time for that. He reached around her to unzip the dress, but she flinched violently away from him, shaking her head wildly, eyes open wide in fear. 

“No.”

She spit it out sharp and clear and commanding, in a weird contrast to her fearful reaction. Archie pulled his hands away like he had touched a hot stove, completely overloaded by the bizarre contrast of responses. The fear was something he had never seen from her, terrifyingly out of character, but the snap of the “No” was a warning tone he had learned -- painfully -- to obey. 

“Gretchen,” he tried, speaking softly, keeping his distance. “I'm not going to hurt you. I’m trying to help. You came here because you knew I would help. But you have to take that off to get warm. I can lend you clothes -- they won’t fit and they won’t be pretty, but they’ll be warm and dry. Okay?”

She stayed frozen still for a moment, then seemed to thaw, little by little, and finally nodded.

“Can I take it off now?” 

She nodded again.

He moved closer again, cautiously, and carefully moved her hair out of the way to test whether touching her was actually safe. She stayed still -- well, as still as she could while shivering -- as he unzipped the costume dress, then peeled it up off her legs and over her head. 

She was in worse shape even than he had thought. The bruising was worse along her chest, around her neck, on her thighs. There were probably a couple of broken ribs, at least. 

His feelings weren’t completely compassionate, though. It was nice, in a way, to see her hurt in a way that had actually managed to cut through her usual cool demeanor, and it was even better to see her naked and vulnerable and needing him. Disgusted with himself, he kept his eyes averted as he dried her hair with the towel by touch and pressed it carefully against her skin, knowing that rubbing could make the situation worse, though he couldn’t remember exactly why. Finally he helped her into a T-shirt and a pair of flannel pajama pants with a drawstring tie that could hold them on despite how big they were on her.

“Okay, now is the part where I get you in bed,” he said as he pulled back the covers. She gave him a cursory smile at that as she lay down and huddled into the blankets as he tucked them around her. 

 “Do you -- do you have any pills?” Her voice was hesitant -- embarassed? Archie couldn’t quite believe that, but that was certainly what it sounded like.

“Yeah -- but I don’t think you should take them, they can mess up your heat regulation --”

A dry, cracked laugh burst out of her throat, turning quickly into a cough. “You have no room to talk,” she said once the cough had died down. “Give me the pills.”

The trek back to the living room didn’t seem as long as it had before -- either his own pills were starting to wear off, or he was just able to focus better through the haze when it was for a purpose. He retrieved the pills from the couch and ran warm water into a glass before taking them back to her. He supported her to sit up just enough to take the pills, tapped two out into his hand and tried to hand them to her, but her hands were still shaking and her fingers wouldn’t move. She shook her head and stuck out her tongue. He laid the pills on her tongue and held the glass to her lips, working hard not to start shaking himself and spill it all over her, as a hundred memories crashed into him of times when these roles had been reversed, when she had fed him pills whether he wanted them or not, or held a cup for him to drink to wash down a burning spoonfull of drain cleaner. 

As a reward for not having a panic attack over a glass of water, Archie took another pill himself as soon as she was finished. He sat on the edge of the bed, a hand resting on top of the covers on her shoulder, and they stayed in comfortable silence for a minute. Long enough for him to start thinking that, now that she was safe and not going to die of hypothermia, he should start thinking about how to get her locked up. There were handcuffs in the drawer of the nightstand; if she was as impaired as she seemed it wouldn’t be hard to get them on her --

“Darling?” Her voice was faint, but it pulled him back from his vague planning to the here and now. “Will you hold me?”

Archie looked at her long and hard, trying to read some kind of mischief in her expression. But she only looked cold and hurt and scared. He rubbed his face and sighed. “Yeah, why not.” He slipped under the covers and she shifted so he could put an arm under her, and she tucked herself up against him, head pillowed on his chest. She was still cold enough to make him shiver too, and he gasped aloud when she slipped an icy hand under his shirt. He started to protest -- holding her was one thing, but this was going too far -- but she slid her hand up, across the patchwork of scar tissue she had made of his stomach, up to rest over the heart she had cut into his chest. She let out a contented sigh and relaxed against him, palm resting still against his chest. His protests died half-voiced. It was comforting to her, he realized, grounding, to be able to touch her work. It was fucked up, but if it helped, he wasn’t going to take it away from her.

“Promise you won’t kill me in my sleep,” he murmured.

“I won’t if you won’t.”

“Fair enough.”

Black Friday Reaction

Okay so I’ll be live tweeting Black Friday but none of it will have any sense to it but it’ll just be my reactions

1. The Paul thing is really bothering me

2. I really love the mention of the other characters

3. If Jane is mention is the story about the mom mentioned some more

4. Is the delivery man ted (cause he’s also a sleazeball

5. It’s weird seeing Cory not play a pure bean

6. I love California MIA

7. The little sister (Im sorry I’m bad at names) I self project as autistic and she something else idk

8. Did anyone else noticed Robert’s Australian accent come out?

9. Like I said this is out of order so yeah but I personally think the second song in the show was very shocking as I’m not used to very serious starkid songs

10. When Robert gestures smoking i think its lowkey a refrence to the smoke club

11. I have a crush on lex

12. I love Lauren’s charecter so much

13. I love the name linda becuase it could be like a karen without using that name

14. Not to get poltical but i choose to belive they made an antivax joke

15. Also the marvel nerd in me loves the name becky barnes

16. I know its probaly not on purpose but joeys charecters costume in line looks like the homeless guy’s one

17. Jaimey is great as always

18. The conversation is so cringe i love it

19. I kinda hope torture porn is a fanfic refrence (i know most people would want me to say spies are forever but nope)

20. I love Lauren but shouldnt her accent be included when she sings

21. I love Jeff’s reaction

22. I may get some hate for this but what was bothering me in tgwdlm and i notice in starkid is lack of fan comments in the captions

23. As a theatre fan i love the toy zone song (i am not sure if thats the right name) espcially the do wop becuase it reminds me of older musicals

24. Also since i watched tgwdlm and black friday a day apart its weird to come from songs happening because they are infected to songs happening cause its a musical

25. i love the love the line we are not relaibly to anyone who dies becuase they clearly show in the trailer that someone will die (this is not a spoiler if you watch the trailer for Black Friday)

26. I love Corey but when he dances i notice a bulge (i am not a perv he makes it very obvious)

27. So i rewinded it to make sure i wanst going crazy and realized something as lex says the pepper spray line. She would be good as janis ian

28. I love the touch money part its so cute even if its not supposed to be

29. Jaime plays a perv really well

30. I love Jon’s charecter its hilarious

31. Also i love jon and lauren interactions so it was cool seeing them together not as paul and emma

32. I love seeing more of Jon because although hes reaally good at playing paul paul doesnt have any flavor and its cool seeing jon do something diffrent

33. Jeff’s fuck you

34. Okay I was right it was the homeless guy and i bet the money is paul’s money

35. And this is not a sterotpye as i am jewish myself but i bet Laurens charecter is jewish

36. Its sad that the price thing is true

37. So i am a theatre fan and do not watch got but that music kinda reminds me of got

38. Cant tell if jeff’s charecter is gay and a perv or just a perv (i realzie this could be mmisinterpreted as homophobic i just mean to say that jamie’s charecter just seems like a full out perv where as i cant tell with jeff’s)

39. Obviously you shouldnt be that insane but i do like the lines about how you are in charge of life and dont care about what others think. its goood life advice

39. Looks like Paul’s boss got his wish

40. They are all idiots for holding up the doll when everyone wants to get it

41. Corey’s charecter is like shit, money isnt that imporant

42. Becky why are you a part of this you have moral high ground (yes i am ignorning the fact that cast usually join in dance numbers even if their charecter isnt a part of it)

43. Shouldnt tom get ptsd (see above)

44. Lex you already have one (see above)

45. So i may be overthinking things but how curt says never should settle is in the tune of spies are forever

46. Is it just me or did anyone else notice when the security guard comes in the tune of show me your hands comes in

47. I dont know why but i do love soft bullies because hes like hey im punching you but only for the kid

48. Some may say its schizo or something hannah has but its anxiery or something from how shes expressing it

49. I feel like hannah has a superpower and can tell whats happening

50. Maybe webby is actually wiggly

51. Baby (both hannah and robert)

52. Please tell me my babies not dead

53. Jon’s eee is adorable and silly

54. Wait hes alive

55. Wait no hes dead, im sad liek starkid is supposed to be fun and happy this is the darkest star kid yet. Even oregon deaths were silly

56. I love starkid but this is making me anxious i cant tell if its good anxious or bad anxious

57. Also i relate to the black and white thing not fully but liek whenever i dont feel well sometimes my brain is overstimulating but only in my head its very hard to explain 

58. Also i think sometimes kids on the spectrum and im not an expert but i do have it kind of make a friend in their head and i do that too sometimes just to give me advice

59. Also i hope they dont get rid of the black and white as sometimes people go more crazy without the figurative voice in their head

60. Like i said this is going to be random order so i like that emma adopted paul;s Okay and no im not making a tfios refrence

61. Poor Tim

62. Poor becky but even less

63. i thought they were supposed to be mad at g-d but in this and tgwdlm they like g-d

64. I cant tell the other pins on joey’s jacket but the first two i notice are mr wiggly and paul

65. I love Lauren’s acting you can see the very sublte sadness in her

66. Lauren and Joey together ahhhh

67. I know its probaly not a big deal but they should give a seziure warning before the tv scene

68. Did they reuse curts spies are forever outfit

69. Really starkid the obama refrence seriously, i cant tell if im mad or laughing 

70. How did Bob get one

71. I do realize they are talking irl but i cant help but wonder if the nazis were a spies are forever refrence

72. Does wiggly have a special power or something 

73. I think its similar to the metero the closer you are the more power it has over you

74. The starkid special effects we all know and love

75. Also is that mcnamara

76. Also maybe shooting it (the doll) does the same thing that shooting the affceted does. Give them no power

77. I cant tell what the music reminds me of exactly but the tune does kinda refrence a diffrent star kid song

78. Jeff looks so proud of himself for the peeps line

79. I love the purposeful i presume reuse of lines

80. Is peip like men in black

81. Also hatchetfield kind of reminds me of night vale

82. Is the black and white like the upside down?

83. I wonder if the point was purposeful since someone was filming or just choreographed

84. Yes Jon Singing!!!!!

85. I love the act two opener

86. Did his parents really name him christmas?!?

87. Oh hes literally related to santa

88. I love lauren and joey as eleves

89. Noel another christmas name

90. Isnt the little dance move like a genie move or something

91. Its so cute that she insitincitvely went to their seats

92. Also carving is goals

93. Even though its a penis its still goals

94. I know what you are, say it, santa clause

95. Tom dont yell at your girl

96. Poor Tom

97. But also dont make this about you

98. They probaly werent the head of the school since they were nice, i am sorry but thats true

99. Yass girl fight his ass

100. Also the theatre kid in me is picturing all that jazz

101. he ran into my knife he ran into my knife ten times

102. Yes Becky’s husband (i forget the name sue me) is bad but i feel like becky is more sinister then we realize

103. Becky’s line even if it isnt meant to be is so funny

104. The girl who plays Becky could play Barbara

105. I love how Joey and Lauren look into the camera

106. Jamie saying santa awww such a pure bean

107. The person in the wiggly onsie is goals

108. Matrix glasses for the win

109. Is wilbur a refrence to Charelots Web?

110. Its a cult a cult of wiggly

111. I feel like Sherman young is around 30-40

112. I love how its mommy to sound less pervy

113. Oh wait never mind Linda is mom

114. Shit thats fucked up they killed him

115. I am right a jew no non jew says mensch

116. To quote jared klienman kinky (shoe kiss scene)

117. Also i love this song the adore song

118. Why does them picking up Lauren give me Draco vibes

119. Wait he isnt dead?? im so confused

120. Wait he is dead???

121. Also ethan is creepy now

122. But Roberts expressions are goals

123. Robert your proffesor hidgens is showing

124. What the how does he know her name

125. Savage Wiggly

126. Wiggly is more funny than scary

127. But my poor baby dont be scared

128. What the fuck tom

129. Also poor baby number two

130. At first you think becky is made about him hurting a child but no its about the doll

131. What the fuck Becky

132. Also I wonder if thats the same serum that Hidgens used

133. Tom yelling at the audince is hilarious

134. Also Becky singing is giving me little shop vibes

135. Becky are you drunk or something you so stupid

136. But yayy my baby doesnt get hurt

137. More starkid special effects

138. Also the lighting nod to tgwdlm

139. Also why did they take my baby (see i told you random)

140. So the perv is wiggly

141. Also if he can appear in regular formation on earth why does he need to be the doll

142. Oh wait never mind he explains it

143. Joey talking to the audience and making them hold the apple is goals

144. I love Joey’s song

145. MIA = Missing in Action = Made in America

146. Wait im wrong Joey cant be Wiggly unless he has super powers he cant be in two places at once

147. I know they dont mean sex but still wtf

148. Lauren looks so done i cant

149. Seziure warning after mr presidnet leaves the black and white

150. Unless it was purposeful they should have hidden the dolls better backstage

151. Wait didnt hannah say something about two doors earlier?

152. Seriously Sherman ponies

153. I love the going back line

154. My poor baby lex

155. No Lex dont die not you too

156. Haha throwback to tgwdlm

157. Yes baby you got the gun

158. Also die perv die

159. Eagle screeching is goals

160. Yes lex use that logic

161. Also it makes sense only the adults can be brainwashed

162. There were only adults no children, scary (not sarcastic i promise)

163. Seriously starkid Fortnight

164. Thats why you should never fully grow up

165. Woah what Lex says is deep

166. Yessss Tom

167. Wait Tom dont hold the gun

168. Wait is Charolette alive or just a reuse of costume, if so why would they have jaimie wear it

169. No dont take her magic hat

170. Haha stupid hats cant be magic only dolls obviously

171. Does lauren say something like fucking knife in another show too?

172. Lauren screaming gives me my father will hear about this vibes

173. Also give my baby her hat back

174. Yass Lauren get it girl (i do realize shes playing the villian but still)

175. Yass Robert get it

176. Even though shes a viilain i dont like seeing Lauren get killed

177. But also how did they get the bullet wound on her so quick im impressed

178. Haha the way Gary stops everything to talk to gerald is goals

179. Like hes like oh shit money

180. And then hes like oh wait i have to pretend to care

181. I love how exagerated their dying is

182. Thats an impressive quick change

183. Yess Emma Hidgens

184. But also no hell fuck up again

185. Also Paul interupting is goals

186. Haha hannah you go girl

187. First off I love the song

188. Song off Hannah’s voice

189. Is paul scared normal or because of the hive

190. Wait all the tgwdlm charecters are back like nothing happened im confused

191. Haha the Hatchfield band is back