#v. trying to learn forgiveness. [2021]
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I posted 2,181 times in 2022
That's 445 more posts than 2021!
95 posts created (4%)
2,086 posts reblogged (96%)
Blogs I reblogged the most:
@ellivia
@enigmaticxbee
@baronessblixen
@scullyverse
@lotzzoforangezoutside
I tagged 1,899 of my posts in 2022
Only 13% of my posts had no tags
#xf fanart - 734 posts
#i’m not going to ask queue if you just said what i think queue just said because i know it’s what queue just said - 378 posts
#xf rewatch - 195 posts
#txf - 69 posts
#revival - 55 posts
#the x files - 49 posts
#msr - 48 posts
#❤️ - 47 posts
#🥺 - 43 posts
#xf meta - 34 posts
Longest Tag: 139 characters
#interesting i’ve never thought that much about mulder’s relationship to religion but his animosity when he’s open to so much else must come
My Top Posts in 2022:
#5
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122 notes - Posted January 1, 2022
#4
Revival Rewatch - Fic Recs
Need something to read to pass the time waiting for date night to start while your (past - present? - future) partner tears his (your?) Unremarkable House apart in search of a lost Twilight Zone episode that he’s sure is somewhere in this pile of old vhs tapes? I don’t read a lot of revival fics but here are a few I can recommend:
Revival Smut:
Subterranean Pool by @somekindofseizure - Office sex, season 7 vs season 10, NSFW, so good.
Gravity by @ms-starlight71 - Sex in the Unremarkable House, NSFW.
Birthday Girl by @storybycorey - It’s her birthday, you know. Fifty-four years old and tucked into the back of a shiny yellow St. Louis cab, wearing a dress probably better suited to a thirty year old, with its slit up the side and its deep V of a neckline, but she looks so damn good in it, she doesn’t care. NSFW, so hot.
Just One by @observeroftheuniverse - Plus One sex scene, what we all needed, NSFW.
Familiar by @phillippadgettwrites - Plus One sex scene, NSFW.
Revival Fix-its:
Untitled by @myassbrokethefall - rewrite of the Plus One conversation in bed so that it actually makes sense.
End of Story by @cecilysass - Plus One conversation in bed fix-it.
Transitive Property of Equality by flicked_switch - fills in the gaps of their relationship over the course of season 11, canon-compliant, NSFW.
Of Monsters and Men, and a Woman by @snickerl - the confrontation with CSM they deserved.
After She Left by @agoodwoman - Over the course of the season 10 timeline, Mulder and Scully have to heal, forgive and learn to trust again as they decide what the future holds for their relationship before it's too late. NSFW. I’ve been trying to find a fic I remember with similar themes to this, where they work through their issues after the breakup in the season 10 era - it was a casefile (like this fic has between season 10 episodes) but I remember couples therapy being a big part of the other fic - if you know what that other fic might be please let me know!
Post Revival:
Times Colliding by @gaycrouton - 2018 and 1998 Mulders switch places, WIP but I just love this concept so much. NSFW.
Reprise by akaJake - Thirty years after Eugene Victor Tooms was mangled to death inside a moving escalator, several murder victims are discovered with their livers missing, ripped from their bodies without the aid of cutting tools. There are no identifiable points of entry at any of the crime scenes. Could Tooms be back?
Straight Out of the 3-Pack by DanaScullyMakesMeFeelAutopsyTurvey - Following the events of My Struggle 4, Scully finds a token from their shared past, inspiring a revelation and a sensual reimagining. NSFW.
It’s Après Ski, Scully by @agirlcallednarelle - Mulder takes Scully skiing for New Year's in 2018 to help them both move on from the events of the year. Some angst, some fluff, some closure. This is what I want for them post-revival.
The Rains of Bimini by @slippinmickeys - How could he have known, when she walked into his office with her bad suit and her earnest smile, that she would be the last person he would ever love? You don’t always realize the momentous things as they’re happening, and so he’d needled her a little; without any thought to his lost sister, he’d used his snottiest big brother voice and accused her of spying. Her. His last, best love. Set far in the future, it’s just lovely.
128 notes - Posted September 5, 2022
#3
S10 Rewatch - MSR
I’m not even sure where to start here because all of the writers except CC seemed to pretty much ignore the break up, and CC had no interest in really exploring why they broke up or what it would mean to start working together again post break up. I certainly would have been on board with the show exploring the fissures in their relationship - if it actually wanted to take seriously their personal and shared traumas and how terrible they’ve historically been at communicating. (Although I don’t think they would have even needed to break up if that was the aim - people can be in a relationship and have issues and work through those issues you know! Might actually be interesting to watch!)
But all we get is one line by a random character about how Scully left because of Mulder’s endogenous depression?? Bullshit. And once they start working together again they’re fine. If there was supposed to be some kind of arc this season where they come back to each other (without working through any of the issues that tore them apart apparently) then I guess it all happened when Scully agreed to go back the X-Files in the first episode? Because literally nothing in the rest of the season would have to be different if they had never broken up… Does the Mulder who shows up - to sit with her at her mother’s hospital bed and hold her as she cries and go back to work with her even though it’s a terrible fucking idea and sit and listen as she grieves the answers she’ll never get about her mother and her son - seem like a man dealing with his ex who he still works with or like a man showing up for and supporting the most important person in his life, the love of his life, no matter how complicated the current status of their relationship?
So what was the fucking point of the break up this season? To get back to that Schrodinger’s box place the original series lingered in for far too long where they both were and were not in a relationship as long as the show didn’t directly acknowledge it? Because that ship fucking sailed a long time ago and if CC really wanted to capture the old magic he would have put Mulder and Scully on screen together for more than two minutes.
145 notes - Posted April 15, 2022
#2
158 notes - Posted May 1, 2022
My #1 post of 2022
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169 notes - Posted January 1, 2022
Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →
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Looking at old pictures and things. You really have been trash to me these three years. I have always spoken good of you in the relationship because yes I know. Flaws we all have so I won’t point yours in it. But when death and drugs and the treatment you have horribly done to me these three years. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself. Sometimes I think yeah I deserve it. Sometimes I’m lost and feel like why me…. Why does this girl treat me this way when I’m not the same person. I can’t speak bad of her old self but her present self now I can. It’s absolutely disappointing… so I guess your friend might influence more. You were amazing to me and my heart will miss that version of you and i morn her always and forever. I will never forgive you because texts and running away like a coward is where I draw the line. My mistake was thinking maybe she would change but nah. She’s just a woman acting like a child. I hope you grow up and figure yourself out. Sometimes I get confuse with love even more but then with time I notice what love really is not suppose to be. I been blinded by the word love that’s why I never say it and that’s why I don’t do. Because people in the name of love have countless times abuse it and all have turn it against me like I’m the person that is a monster. I have always felt misunderstood and have been told many things. I felt pushed aside. Belittle and trash my persona. I have been told people like this side of me.. like this dark and ugh side that I can’t explain or my sadness or whatever they fantasize of me. And I’m sick of it and how I feel like an object. I have done and changed my ways not only for many people but myself. I been ARGUING LESS !!!!!!! I don’t find it trilling as I use to. I don’t feel anything. I don’t get off on sadness. I’m not sadistic. I try to control my alcohol problem this month. I stop smoking. I stop doing drugs. And I did in 2021 cause dude I was losing my mind on that one night free I had. My face my whole energy was so dead… and now i feel ALIVE. I go to the gym to help ME. I eat better! I gain 15-20 maybe pounds since 2020.. like that’s a lot but I was so underweight. My depression is less. My anxiety is a lot less. I control my Nerves SO MUCH. I did that! I don’t do things that trigger me. I dont Cut myself. And I know I did sometime in the three years but that was once and never again. I’m not passive. I try to speak up. I try to communicate to people. I grown up. I Had to. I would hate if I was still this way and people were let down because of me. I don’t tolerate things at all. Im solid with myself. I overcame so much and still am and that’s what makes me strong and me. I don’t let my past define me. I don’t just say words but I mean them and I do them and I act in it all. Im not fake. Im real and honest and i will always be genuine and authentic. I did my things, I messed around, I been trash and hurt a lot a lot a lot of people. just as people have done to me. But I learn and I try to change the future and if things are good they are good. I try to fix whoever has a thing with me and hope for the best and if not, I let that go. I don’t hold onto things that are presently bad. I do me. I like me. And I will love me soon. But I am loving who I am becoming. Im happy this change these three years really marked me. It snapped my whole being and that old v.. I use to know was my push & without her I wouldn’t have been here. That one left a scar on me and on my skin. But the present one please never come close to me when you have sick intentions and so cruel. I hope karma and life wakes you up. I’m sorry life was never easy for you. I hope your heart and mind find peace. But like me.. there is always change and I’m sure you will do it. But other than that. I’m doing good for me. I hope I love to the places I desires I hope everything goes smoothly.I hope I really reach my goals. I should make that book I always spoken about because 22 marked me for life. The 5 “v”Roman journey really hit hard. I look back and Im proud of how much I grown. I’m happy I finally PICK MYSELF
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guns and gifts
carl gallagher x fem!reader
request: Hey! I hope I can send you a request for Karl Gallagher of Shameless. Maybe Karl and y / n were a couple before jail, and after leaving jail he came to her to ask her for forgiveness. y / n doesn't forgive him and he starts giving her gifts and apologizing every day. Then everything is at your discretion. Happy ending please💛 from @powerpuffluuvv
genere: fluff + angst
word count: 2.1k
warnings: swearing, ooc carl
posted on april 18, 2021
puppy love. thirteen year-olds holding hands and sharing stolen kisses. it was a sweet relationship that could’ve grown and matured with the two teens as they did. instead carl found himself a job on the corner and when he got caught y/n was done. fiona tried to get through to the boy, asking him to apologize but he brushed her off.
“can i please just talk to him? maybe he’ll listen to me.” y/n pleaded with the lawyer.
fiona stepped in, “it wouldn’t hurt to try it.”
“five minutes.” the lawyer relented.
y/n thanked him and rushed into the room where he sat. he squinted at her through the glasses fiona gave him. “i’m not fuckin’ sorry. i wish i was smarter about it. i wouldn’t have used chuckie as a mule.”
“you know what. if you don’t tell that judge you’re fucking sorry and that you’ve learned from your mistakes i will never speak to you again.” y/n exited the room quickly letting the ultimatum hang in the air as the door slammed behind her.
during the hearing her eyes were trained on the back of his head, hoping she could somehow will him to do the right thing. she kept her arms crossed as she leaned back. kev and v were sat next to her, waiting anxiously to see what he’d say.
“i’m going to make juvie my bitch.” as soon as he said those words, y/n sighed, getting up from her seat, shouldering her back and slipping out of the courtroom as they hauled carl away. he caught her eye before she left, she froze for a moment before shaking her head and making her exit.
time passed and she still spent time with the rest of the gallaghers, she lived across the street so it would have been hard not too. she helped take care of liam when needed and she got a job at patsy’s with fiona’s help.
the day carl came back had been a surprise for everyone, y/n was helping fiona with making dinner after a shift at patsy’s. the front door had slammed shut and, thinking it was debbie, fiona asked if she got a message about hamburger buns. y/n’s eyes shot up when a much deeper voice responded, “nah, it’s just me.”
excited, fiona rushed towards the boy, wrapping him up in a hug. hugging back, he looked up throwing a wave to y/n who was rooted in place, “hey, y/n.”
snapping herself back into reality she lurched forward wiping her hands and grabbing her things, pulling her bag over her shoulder and gripping her keys tightly she looked back at the boy as fiona fussed over his new appearance. “fuck you, carl.” she spat, slamming the back door shut behind her.
y/n managed to avoid carl at school the next day, he was too busy with “his boy” nick and his new white boy carl personality and selling illegal weapons in the bathrooms to bother her anyways. she rushed to patsy’s as soon as school ended and began her shift.
she spent the afternoon rushing from table to table, taking orders, passing out food, and pouring coffee. she was pouring coffee for a couple sitting near the front door when the bell twinkled, signaling a new customer.
her back turned to the door and her focus pointed and the coffee she was pouring she greeted the customer quickly, “take a seat anywhere and i’ll be right with you darling.” she smiled at the couple before turning around, finding herself face to face with white boy carl himself. “get the fuck out.”
y/n rushed away from him, pouring coffee for a man sat at the counter. carl followed, “please just talk to me, y/n.”
“she doesn’t want to talk to you, man.” the customer spoke up as y/n placed the coffee pot on the burner.
“what the fuck did you just say to me?” carl asked the man.
he stood up, “i told you she doesn’t want to talk. so leave.”
y/n stepped in before a physical altercation broke out, “thank so much, sir, but i can fight my own battles.” she pushed carl towards the door, “out.” she kept pushing him despite his protests, “get the fuck out. go.”
the door slammed behind them, and carl began to speak, “no, you’re going to shut your fucking mouth and listen. i don’t want to listen to you. i don’t want to talk to you. and i don’t even want to see you but that last one might be a little fucking impossible since we’re neighbors and i work with your sister so i’m going to be civil towards you but i will only acknowledge your existence when it is absolutely necessary. clear?”
carl began to protest but y/n cut him off, “are we fucking clear?” carl grumbled an agreement and y/n sighed, “good, now get the fuck out if here. i have to go back to work.”
y/n rushed back into the diner, throwing herself back into work. hoping she looked busy enough to keep the nosy man from before to leave her alone, she poured more coffee, took orders, passed out plates. until her shift ended and she could finally take the l back home.
the next run in with carl happened two days later, she was walking home from school, thankful for the day off from work when carl and nick pulled up on a bike. “y/n! wait!”
sighing, y/n whipped around, “i thought i told you i didn’t want to talk to you.”
“i have something for you.” carl explained as he got closer, y/n ignored him and started walking again, the bike quickly catching up with her. “here.”
y/n scoffed, eyeing the bag, “whatever it is i don’t want it.”
“it’s a book, debbie told me you wanted to read it.”
y/n sped up, “no thanks, already read it.” she didn’t care what book it was, she didn’t want anything from him. she took this moment to cross the street, the passing cars making it difficult for the boys on the bike to follow.
she entered the gallagher house hoping carl would be too busy to come home for a few hours while she watched liam. “i get off at nine, if anyone else comes home you’re welcome to leave but i plan on bringing something back for dinner if you want to stick around for that.”
“of course i’ll stay. me and liam are going to have a great time. isn’t that right liam?” y/n asked the toddler who nodded enthusiastically. fiona thanked her and rushed out the door.
y/n put on a movie, which liam fell asleep watching about thirty minutes in. y/n got up and stretched when the movie ended, adjusting the blanket she threw over liam when he fell asleep. she walked in the kitchen, stiff from sitting for so long. she pulled out a can of pop from the fridge and leaned her back against the fridge, using to stretch her body more.
the door swung open and carl walked in, “good you’re hear, i have something else for you.”
“whatever it is, i don’t want it.” y/n sighed into her drink.
“it’s a necklace, here.” he opened the velvet box to show her an expensive looking necklace.
she turned away from him, “no thanks.” walking back into the living room. “go somewhere else please, i have to watch liam.”
carl sighed before exiting the house with nick, who had been hanging back by the door during the exchange. he nodded to nick and the two rolled out to go do god knows what.
that night fiona came home with food, the entire gallagher clan plus kev and v enjoyed. there were enough people that y/n managed to avoid speaking to carl the entire evening. every time he tried to speak to her she’d find someone to talk to, she talked lip about something she had to do for school, ian told her about trevor, and her and debbie talked about anything.
v even pointed out the strange behavior when carl was left looking slightly dejected to fiona, who just shrugged in response.
“thank you fiona, goodnight everyone.” y/n called as she stepped out the back door. she crossed the street quickly and made it home, which as usual was empty, the rest of her family nowhere to be found.
she sighed, grabbing a beer from the fridge and kicking of her shoes as soon as she made it to her room. she threw herself back on her bed yelping when she collided with something hard. she jumped up only to see the jewelry box and book carl had bought her. she set her beer down and pulled the box open, smiling at the necklace. it was gold, with a small tear shaped pendant that held some sort of crystal or diamond.
she set the box next to her beer, which she grabbed and took sip of as she grabbed the book. it was actually something she’d been wanting, she rolled her eyes before opening it to the first page.
the next fee days followed a similar pattern, carl would stop her at school and work and even his own house to offer her gifts, which she would refuse, which would always end up on her bed at the end of the day. on a particularly rough day, y/n had enough. she was walking home from school, carl (who was alone this time) behind her, like clockwork offering another gift.
“carl, please just leave me alone. i don’t have the energy to deal with you.” y/n said not stopping. carl made a comment and y/n snapped, “god i’m not going to forgive you because you chose to go to juvie. you could have just apologized and gotten parole but that didn’t happen. and i’m not going to be your girlfriend again because i don’t even know who you are any more, this thug personality doesn’t look good on you.” y/n sighed rushing away before he could answer.
she was suddenly thankful for the day off, deciding to spend it all alone at home. it was a friday and her weekend was also free so she spent the next few days home alone. her family was gone of course, they only only seemed to show up once a month just to leave again the same day.
sunday evening y/n laid in the couch watching what was on tv when there was a knock on the door. y/n groaned, getting up to answer it freezing when carl was revealed on the other side. he looked small, he was curled into himself and he looked sad. his braids were out, soft curls in the place. “hey, y/n.” he said softly. y/n wordlessly moved out of the way to let him in.
“i’m done. no more sell drugs, guns, anything. something happened, with nick and i don’t want that to be my life anymore.” his voice cracked and y/n instinctively wrapped him into a hug, squeezing protectively. he cried into her shoulder, holding her tightly, scared to let her go.
“hey,” y/n spoke softly, running her fingers through his hair, “you’re okay. i got you.” once carl calmed down, he pulled away but y/n held onto him, hands on his face.
“i really miss you y/n. and i know i was awful before but all i want to do is be with you. i love you.” he sighed, his hands holding her wrists.
y/n pulled him closer, “i love you, too, idiot.” carl gave her a lopsided smiled before surging forward to connect their lips in a hot kiss. y/n stumbled backwards before backing into the wall behind her. carl bit on her lip softly causing her breath to catch in her throat. she tugged on his hair and he squeezed her hips. she pulled away for breath, pressing her forehead to his, “my room?” breathless carl nodded pressing a quick kiss to her lips before they rushed to her room.
the next morning the front door slammed opened, “y/n! i’m going to kill fiona!” debbie stormed through the house bursting into y/n’s room where she was laying next to a topless carl, wearing only his t-shirt, “oh my god! ew!” debbie shielded her eyes from the sight before her.
“hey, debs.” y/n mumbled, sheepishly.
debbie groaned, “just get dressed, we have school.”
#carl gallagher imagine#carl gallagher#shameless x reader#shameless fanfiction#shameless imagine#shameless#lip gallagher#fiona gallagher#debbie gallagher#ian gallagher#kev ball#veronica ball#veronica fisher#2k words
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Ectober Day 1: Trick
Trick of the Light
Ectober 2021 Day 1: Trick
Jack had gone to the reunion to reconnect with his old friend Vlad.
Vlad let's Jack learn intimately what he has dealt with twenty years ago.
AO3
This is my first attempt at gore or horror in general, so be warned and mind the tags.
Blood and Gore, Major Character Death.
Jack couldn't believe what he had seen, let alone what he had just heard. The words rang in his ear, even after the room had fallen into dead silence. He held his breath, the shock of what was in front of him stealing the air from his lungs. His mind rejected the words he just heard. Had he even really heard them? They couldn’t be true. This must be-
"This is a trick," Jack said, his words rushing out. The only answer was a chuckle.
"A trick?" Vlad Masters's grin widened. Hands behind his back, he strolled closer to Jack, eyes still glowing a frightening red. Jack felt the urge to step away from the burning stare, but was immobilized by the metal restraints that kept him in place, helplessly standing to face his best friend.
"A trick. Ghosts are liars. You're possessing Vlad! You can't be him. Get out of my best friend, you ecto scum," Jack said with forced bravado, there were no weapons or tools to back up his demands. He once more tried to break out of the metal cuffs around his arms and legs. To no avail.
"You really are dense. There is no one in here but me," Vlad took another step closer. Jack tried to lean away, but could barely move an inch. Vlad tilted his head, smirking as Jack flinched.
"The only trick was you believing that I would forgive you after all these years. That after twenty years, we could just pretend that nothing happened. That you didn't ruin my life," Vlad continued, grin fading with every word. His eyes glowed an even a brighter red.
"Vladdie, I never-"
"Visited while I was in the hospital? While I was dying from your incompetence? Never thought to check on me? Never considered me when you married Maddie, when you knew I had feelings for her?" Vlad asked, carefully watching Jack's reaction to each word. The bigger man couldn't help but flinch as if he had been slapped. "The things that you never did, Jack Fenton, could write a book. The only 'never' I care about now is Never Again ."
With that, Vlad stepped away, back turned to Jack. Jack felt a trickle of fear settle in his gut. The sharp clack of Vlad's shoes against the metal floor seemed abnormally loud as he walked away. Like thick nails hammered into a coffin.
"Wh-what are you doing?" Jack stuttered. Vlad did not answer, nor show signs of even hearing the larger man’s question. He typed on a large computer, his back completely toward Jack. Jack gulped and sweat started to bead on his brow as he listened to the click of the keys. The methodical sound caused Jack to shiver.
"V-vlad, talk to me. I'm sorry everything happened this way, but I'm here now. We can fix this. We can find a cure," Jack squirmed against the metal. He startled when the harsh squeal of metal scraping against metal sounded overhead. He couldn't see into the darkness, but he heard the screeching noise come closer through the shadows. He swallowed convulsively. "Vlad, just talk to me! I'm sorry."
"You're not sorry. Sorry would mean that you had the self-awareness to realize you did something wrong," Vlad tapped a key, before turning toward Jack. Jack could only make out the glowing red eyes, Vlad's features skewed by the dull glow of the computer screen. Jack shuddered, imagining he could feel the heat of the hatred in those inhuman eyes. A hatred that seemed to burn against his very soul. "No, you're not sorry. You're just afraid. "
Jack's breath sped up as he continued his struggle against his restraints. An electric whirring sound filled the room. Jack's eyes locked onto a pinprick of growing green light. It seemed to twist in the air, pulsing as it grew. From the size of a dime, to a quarter, to a tennis ball. His heart hammered in his chest as the green energy grew. The pulse of the machine sped faster, small bursts of electricity zipped through the air at random intervals, causing the air to taste of metal and ozone. The light grew larger, spinning and twirling in an unstable elliptical. Jack gasped for air frantically, his hands shaking and teeth painfully chattering. The light grew more lopsided and unstable. A low hum grew rapidly in pitch until it hit a note so high Jack's ears ached from the noise. The soft hum of the machine transformed into a monstrous roar. Jack tried desperately to move away, the heat of the energy-the ectoplasm started to burn his cheeks, like standing too long near an open oven.
"Vlad, please! I have a family. I have kids!" Jack begged, trying to look past the growing energy. He saw nothing but two dots of red.
The energy seemed to break free of whatever tethered it in place. Jack screamed as the ectoplasm rushed into his exposed face. He imagined this is what it would feel like to dip his head into molten lava, the burn sticking to his flesh. He writhed as he felt the charged energy sear off his skin, the dying flesh seemed to slough from the muscles of his cheek in great chunks. His eyes boiled in their sockets, the goo trying to pour down his cheeks before they sizzled away from the intense heat. A mockery of tears he wished to shed. Jack continued to scream, even as his tongue fried in his mouth, the taste of blood and charr choking him as the melted muscle slid down his throat. Still Jack screamed and begged wordlessly for Vlad to stop, even as the ligament in his left cheek gave out and his jaw detached, hanging by sizzling strings of meat. He thrashed, trying to get away from the heat, the pain, the horror of the feeling that went beyond physical. The knowledge that he wasn't the first to experience such agony. The world seemed to twist in impossible shapes, nothing but the horrible green.
Suddenly the heat was gone and he felt a jarring thump against the side of his head. He could finally focus on something other than pain. Other than the insensate revelation that pain was all there was. And yet now. He felt nothing, nothing but deep-seated wrongness and the memory of the trauma. Not cold, nor pain. He knew that he had no eyes, but somehow he could see. See even clearer in the dark lab than before.
The green light was above him, focused in a single line. It was the only thing he could focus on, the brightness doing nothing to illuminate the room. How was he on the floor? Was he able to free himself? He couldn't move. He couldn't even speak. How did this happen? What is happening?
The green light began to fade, dissolving away far quicker that Jack would have assumed. And as it faded, Jack felt a bone-deep horror.
There he stood, still attached in the cuffs, unmoving and slumped against his restraints. His hazmat suit torn and burned, the rubber melting to his skin. The material barely held his left shoulder in place, the joint having given out as the intense heat sheared off the skin and muscle, the arm nearly dragging on the ground with a bit of blackened bone sticking out where it was once attached.. But what sent him into mental hysterics was further up.
All that remained was the blackened bone of his neck, each vertebrae precariously balanced. As he watched, the top two toppled to the ground with wooden clacks. His head was completely gone.
Once more, he heard the tell-tale sound of Vlad's shoes clicking against the metallic floor. Jack's soul trembled as the sound came closer.
Those two glowing eyes stared down at him with satisfaction. Jack could do nothing as one finely polished shoe lifted and settled just over where his eye should be.
He felt a crack.
#Ectober Month 2021#Ectoberhaunt 2021#Ectoberhaunt trick#Danny Phantom#Cartoons#My Writing#Phanfiction#gore#body horror#major character death
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august 24, 2021
to the boy with green eyes,
i ought to admit-- after all these years that have passed us by, you’re still on my mind from time to time, but i must have thought about you more times today than i have all year. i’m just grateful that it doesn’t hurt anymore: hearing your name, saying your name, seeing your car parked outside your house, listening to songs that remind me of you, or even going to places where we once stood together. it just doesn’t hurt anymore and i can’t tell you exactly when that pain subsided.
i guess you could say i’m writing you this letter because i’ve been reminiscing about you a lot today. and even though i know you won’t read my letters, receive my texts or answer my phone calls, i thought i’d do this for myself more than for you. this is the only way i’ll sleep tonight. this is the only way i can be at peace. because you know me... i always have a lot to say when it comes to you and oh, how i wish for so many things right now.
how i wish i could talk to you again even though it hurts when i do and hurts that i can’t, especially today, and i’m still trying to figure out which one hurts more. and although i know it’s best that we don’t, i want to be selfish, i want to break all the rules, and i want to make all the wrong choices if it means i get to hear your voice again and not a machine this time.
that hurt...
how i wish i could hold you in my arms again and tell you that i forgive you for everything you put me through-- for leaving without saying goodbye, for abandoning me with no explanation, for pretending i don’t exist, and for ignoring my texts for three years. i’ll put it all aside if it means i get to hold you again and not get a handshake this time.
that hurt...
i could go on and on about all the things i yearn and desire-- to look into your eyes, to hear you say my name, to be in the same room as you, to lie next to you, to tussle your hair, to see you smile, to be the little spoon, to hear you say “i hate you,” to feel your racing heart, to listen to your heavy breathing, to be the big spoon, to hold your hand, to admire your body, to pick your brain, to kiss your lips... to realize that i’ll never get to do any of this again.
that hurts...
i just wish things could go back to how they used to be, before our worlds collided. before you went back to her. if i could go back in time and change one thing-- it’d be to never confess my love to you. i should’ve never promised you that i’d wait for you. i should’ve never told you that i’d be there for you when you needed me the most-- a shoulder to cry on or a chest to lay on. i should’ve never poured my heart out to you. maybe our paths wouldn’t be so parallel if i hadn’t. maybe you would’ve kept me in your life as a friend than pretend i’m dead. or maybe seeing you with her would've stabbed me in the heart each time she made you laugh or smile the way i made you laugh or smile.
that hurts too...
but just the thought of that makes me want to believe that you did this for me. that you left the way you did, for me. you ghosted me because you knew it would be easier this way. of course, you could’ve still said goodbye-- given me an explanation, but what’s done is done and there’s nothing i can change about that. but you did this for me, didn’t you. for us? because you loved me too and you couldn’t bear watching me go through such pain. is that it?
if i’ve learned anything in the past four years since you left, it’s that things happen for a reason. i had a lesson to learn here and i needed to open myself up to more opportunities. i found you when she left you. you were drowning. i tried saving you-- i wanted to save you, but all you were doing was making me drown with you. and i didn’t need that in my life, no matter how in love i thought i was with you.
i wanted to give you everything. i wanted to make all your wishes come true. i wanted to support you and give you all my love, but you threw it away like you throw your dirty magazines.
i offered you my heart, but you refused it. and all this time, i thought i had lost it when i lost you... but what happens when you hand over someone a gift they refuse to take?
it’s simply still in your hands...
don’t get me wrong-- i don’t regret anything. i don’t blame you for anything. i was hurt, yes, but i’ve healed much more than you know. and i don’t actually wish that i never told you how i felt about you. i’m glad i did because i still mean it to this day. i will always be here for you, no matter what. even though i’ve let go of your hand a long time ago, doesn’t mean i don’t love you anymore.
i do. i will. i always have...
it’s getting late now, but before i go, i have to admit something else: i lied earlier when i said it doesn’t hurt anymore. this entire time-- writing this letter to you, i’ve felt this emptiness, this hole in my chest, a void in my heart, and a shortness of breath. something that i haven’t felt in three hundred and sixty-five days.
it must be this fucking day...
happy birthday, v.
sincerely,
bobby
#spilled ink#spilled thoughts#poem#poetry#prose#i miss you#i love you#writers on tumblr#poets on tumblr#lgbt#gay love#unrequited love#depression#mindfulness#letting go#the one that got away#my writing#letters from alex#quote of the day
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“The Cipher Frontier!” Issue 58: “Cipher Will Never Die!”
"The Cipher Frontier! With Emma, Shade, Yuzu, Randal, Alice, Val, Niamh & Poe" was a regular column on the Fire Emblem Cipher website which summarized upcoming news concerning Cipher and other Fire Emblem materials. It was presented by the eight mascot characters. The following is a full translation of the 58th and final issue of the column, which was originally published on 31 March 2021.
More Fire Emblem Cipher translations!
Hello, everybody!!!!!!!!
It's been over five years since Cipher launched - and, for that matter, The Cipher Frontier! itself...
And today... we bring you the last one!
Sniff... So this is really it...
Aye, it certainly is a bitter occasion.
With the moment upon us, I find myself overcome with emotion. Yet at the same time, I cannot help but sorely wish that this day had never come at all.
Well, it... It doesn't bother m-m-me... Not... one...
BWAAAAAAAAAAAH! I C-C-CAN'T TAKE THIS!
E-easy, milady! You swore before we began that you would not cry!
I, too, owe very, very much to all of you, so... I am very sad.
Where there is a beginning, so too shall there be an end... It is an inevitability.
Still, one might argue that as long as there are still decks to play with and opponents to challenge... Cipher may be played for eternity. So think not on this as the end, for this is but a milestone of life.
Sniff... So this isn't farewell?
Not in the least! All of our players can still continue to get together to play Cipher. So as sad as you might be now to see the game end, the feeling won't last! And I, for one, would like to close out our final day with a smile.
To that end, I propose that we all share some parting words. You first, Emma!
Alrighty! Well, I've been here since the beginning, but... Back then, I was an absolute noob, wasn't I? I didn't have the faintest idea what a "Tea See Gee" even was!
But then I learned so much from Shade, and I presented news, participated in Tryout and Gathering events, and watched Live Broadcasts - and all of that gave me the chance to grow so much.
And then as the days went by, we got to meet Yuzu and Randal, Alice and Valjean, and Niamh and Poe, and we all always had a riot of a time playing Cipher together... It's all been like something out of a dream!
Lastly, I just want to say thank you...
To all of you who've been reading our column to date, thank you tho thuch!
Ha! Is that a slip of the tongue I hear?
Why, I do believe it was... And of all the words to flub, at that.
H-heh heh heh! I guess I am still just a kid after all... But mark my words, I'll be working even harder to become a mature, full-fledged knight! Okay, let's try this again... Thank you all!
Well, I'm next! I was primarily tasked with hosting this column and presenting news.
But the work introduced me to more and more friends, and to a constant stream of announcements that were news to me myself... To lose it is like I've also lost my reason to exist, but at least I am left with fond memories of it all.
My desire to convey the appeal of Cipher to others hasn't wavered in the slightest, but... this is the last time it will ever happen here. Alas. Still, I will always be rooting for all of you, even if we don't see each other.
There will always be a bond between us - always. Remember that whenever you play Cipher and see our cards. On this, you have my word! This has been Shade, shepherd of wayward lambs, saying farewell!
Alright, then. You're next, Yuzu!
...
Huh? Yuzu! What's gotten into you? Would you just get out here?
Er, forgive me. When everybody's gaze turned upon me, I could not help but immediately seek shelter...
Oh, yeah. You never did like public speaking, did you, Yuzu?
Of course! We had a devil of a time convincing you to come out at all for your very first column.
E-enough! That was many years ago: a d-d-difficulty that I have long since moved past!
Hrr-hrr-hrr... heh-HEM! L-l-let us, er, begin anew.
I am Yuzu. My contribution to this column was to introduce cards that afforded new styles of play... only to let a haze of utter passion promptly consume me and hence spend my every waking hour crafting decks from them and trialling them in matches.
You always were one to cry, "I must test these cards at once!" and throw yourself into obsessive research.
As such, I have acquired an eye for strategy, forged in the fires of Cipher, to incorporate into my prior mastery of the martial arts - and with that, at long last, I have come to an understanding of the very heart of warcraft.
Further, as a consequence I may declare with confidence that, should I ever find my brother, I shall be able to hold my head high for all that I have grown in his absence. For that, you have my most heartfelt gratitude. So end my parting words!
Thank you, Yuzu. Right, it's your turn, Randal!
Huh? Oh, right then!
I've got a motto: always take your games deathly serious, and always make your own fun on the job… And, well, this has been my chance to prove those words true.
I mean yeah, I'm a wanderer at heart; I might've stuck around a bit too long... but that's just because this was all a hell of a lot of fun.
Oh, I agree... It was a HELL of a lot of fun!
GAH! It's... It's you!
Well, well. We have a stranger among us!
Pah! "Stranger," indeed. This hair, this face, this ribbon... None of this ring a bell?
Eh? Do you... do you mean Randal?
Indeed! I am...
...His son, no? It is nice to meet you!
OI!
What are you on about?! I AM Randal, just from the past - younger than the one you know!
It's happening again! The exact same argument!
This really must be the end, if HE'S here...
This is how you treat me? I have to hear that the last column is happening at the eleventh hour and make a mad dash to make it in time?! Bloody hell...
What is this? A being under the thrall of the Boundless Chaos? How intriguing. I must conduct a thorough examination at once...
H-hey! What are you doing, Niamh?! You look deathly serious... Oi, that's enough! Stay back! I... I've got a sword!
Well, er, I'm just about all out of time, but I just want to say it was a hoot being on the Frontier. Hope I see you all again someday. Adios!
He vanished?! Still more intriguing...
Sigh... What a pain in the arse, if I do say so myself. Although... I must admit, we do agree on one thing: I'd also be glad to see you all again.
This might be one farewell, but here's hoping we cross paths once more! And if we do, hey, why not play a match with this old fart? And that's all she wrote from ol' Randal!
Thank you. Next, let's hear from Alice and Valjean!
Heh heh! At last! Shall we, Val?
Yes, milady.
The two of us made our debut circa Series 10, and ever since that day, the Frontier never failed to be a most thrilling time. Would you agree, Val?
Yes, milady.
My objective in making this journey was simple: to experience much in my travels, such that I might someday return home and become a great ruler indeed. But instead, I first became a most superior, most brilliant Cipher player! Utterly invincible! Favored by fortune! And whatnot. Didn't I, Val?
Yes, milady.
I remember... that every time a Cipher release day came, I would be up all night from their eve, crafting decks and playing matches with the others. Oh, it was such fun! Wasn't it, Val?
...Yes, mi... mi... milady! Sniff...
V-Val?! What is the matter with you?
I am most moved. That my most capricious liegelady could at last find in Cipher such an engaging hobby, such good company, and such a source of training - and that she could grow so greatly as a woman.
Val...
We have been truly blessed to have had all of this: all of you, who welcomed us so warmly into the Frontier fold, and all of the Cipher players out in the world. I wish to offer you my gratitude for everything.
To be honest... I have something to say on that matter myself. Thank you, truly, for everything. I will never, ever, ever, EVER forget even a single day that we spent here together!
Nor shall I!
...Having said that, milady, I fear that you are still yet unready for the throne! From today onward, we must redouble your original leadership training efforts! I fully intend to prepare for you an intensive study regimen.
I-I-I beg your pardon?! You will not speak to me so! If I see even a single incorrect mark, you would do well to prepare yourself, for I will work you to the very bone for the rest of your days!
By all means, do it. But be prepared, for I have a lifetime's worth of admonishments at the ready.
Heh... Best of luck to the two of you!
Your turn, Niamh!
I was present from the 37th column onward... To be precise, it was in the "Love and Bonds Special Talk CD" audio drama that came as a set with an artbook, sold at Comiket 93.
My inquiry and research into the miscellaneous phenomena of this world, and the Boundless Chaos in particular, shall continue, but...
...
Well?! Don't tell me that's all you have to say!
...No. To me, my inquiry into Cipher represented the introducton of a new, major challenge into my life. Cipher decks... Gameplay... Which solution is correct, and which is optimal... As yet, I still have found no answers. As such, it is vital that going forward, I collaborate with a broad sample of Cipher players and find an answer...
So what you're saying is, you enjoyed playing Cipher with everyone, and you're gonna keep playing forever!
That, er... Ahem! That's pretty much it.
Cryptic remarks if I ever heard them, but certainly Niamh-ish.
Right, let's keep this going with Poe!
Only a year and a half has passed since I was welcomed to this column, and sadly, in the end our association has been brief. But I was able to have a very fulfilling time with you.
Attending that Winter Comiket thing with all of you, playing the "Recite and Play: Heroes Iroha" card game being sold there... They were very happy days.
And in all of that, I have always been monitoring Niamh...
...
Hee hee... You have been a good girl here, have you not? I do nothing to good girls.
If one of you becomes wicked, at that time I shall... Heh... Heh heh heh heh heh...
So, I pray that we never have an unpleasant reunion, and end my speech. Thank you. This has been Poe!
Heh... Let's keep that warning in mind.
...With that, have all of us spoken?
Tsk tsk... We aren't actually finished just yet! Since this is our last column, allow me to call upon a special guest!
...A guest? Wait, you don't mean...
Ta-daaaaa! Here he is!
Hello, everyone! I am Kawade, the producer of Fire Emblem Cipher.
K-K-KawadeP!
My, what a surprise!
The publication of the final Frontier coincides with, at last, the end-of-March termination of event support for Cipher. So I thought I would share a message for all of our readers and Cipher players.
If you count from when Cipher was first announced, roughly six years have passed. That's a long time, yet it's just flown by... These have been very busy years, but also wonderful ones, absolutely full of memories and events.
In that time we've constantly taken on new challenges - not just the production of Cipher itself, but Twitter content, live broadcasts, and staging events all around Japan.
And through all of that, we've had the chance to meet so many fans of Fire Emblem and Cipher... That was not only the most fun part of all, but a part that made us happy.
Although, we were unfortunately unable to hold any of our planned events for our final year, and for that I am truly sorry to all of you.
Still, we staff stuck with it to the very end, and as a result were able to complete Cipher as a fantastic game that can be played for years and years to come. For that, we are proud of ourselves.
It was thanks to all of you, who kept on supporting us, that we could continue our work to this standard all the way to the final series. I am overcome with gratitude to you all!
Production might have come to an end, but Fire Emblem Cipher will never die! It would make me happy if, every now and then, you might bring your cards out and play with them. Thank you all, truly, for everything!
And that concludes KawadeP's remarks!
Whew!
That, I believe, is everything that we wished to share.
Aye, I've got nothing to add.
So I suppose this is it: the end of the Cipher Frontier's long run.
Er... Shade? Can I say one last thing?
Hm? What is it, Emma?
Thank you for taking the lead in hosting this last one... And thank you so much for all the things you've taught me!
(Emma...)
H-hey! That's enough of that! You're about to make me cry, and that wouldn't be ending this day with a smile, would it?
Heh. I guess not!
So hey, let's give them one last, enthusiastic That Thing before Shade bursts into tears!
Very well, then. That Thing it is! This has been The Cipher Frontier!
With Emma...
Shade...
Yuzu...
Randal...
Alice...
Val...
Niamh...
...and Poe.
Now, then...
Let's do it, everyone!
One...
Two...
CIPHER!!!!!!!!
THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING, EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!
...
...
...
...
FIRE EMBLEM CIPHER
The Cipher Frontier! With Emma, Shade, Yuzu, Randal, Alice, Val, Niamh & Poe
Emma
Emma continues to train in order to become a full-fledged pegasus knight. Her tireless Cipher training also continues, but she has yet to show much improvement at the game.
Shade
Veteran mage that she is, Shade continues to teach the next generation. Many seeking to become almighty Cipher players have come to her, only to struggle bitterly under her tutelage - yet at the same time, to Emma and the others, she remains a nurturing guiding hand.
Yuzu
Yuzu embarked on a journey of martial training, all the while following whispers of her brother's whereabouts... although evidently, she does return from her travels from time to time, bearing souvenirs, to partake in Cipher matches with all of her friends.
Randal
Randal made a truly once-in-a-lifetime wager, only to go into hiding thereafter. Some rumors attest that he won, and that with that windfall he secured for himself a carefree life of quiet leisure in some southern land - others, that he met with a catastrophic loss, and was hence forced into labor in someplace.
Alice
Alice's travels continue, as she seeks all the experience that she needs to become a true leader. Although at first she struggled, she grew to thoroughly enjoy it, and so she will persist in her journey without ever taking a break to return home... Or so she tells herself, at least.
Valjean
Valjean continues to travel all across the land with his liegelady. Witnessing Alice grow ever stronger and wiser by the day, he cannot help but feel conflicting feelings of joy and loneliness beneath the privacy of his helm.
Niamh
Even as she continues in her pursuit of wisdom, Niamh silently carries out research into Cipher. Her seminal monograph, "A Compendium of Cipher Decks," is over 100 volumes in length, and by all accounts is still in print to this day.
Poe
Poe vanished in her hunt for evil, and her whereabouts remain unknown. However, according to the afterword of "A Compendium of Cipher Decks," she and Niamh have since fought to the death on many an occasion.
The End...???
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UPDATE: So, its been a long, long, journey. I can happily say that I am mostly recovered. Struggling with anxiety and dp/dr this past year - I persevered and beat it! Life is pretty much back to normal. The first step with recovering for myself, to acknowledge that it is okay to struggle with mental health issues such as anxiety. To treat yourself with kindness, to relax and love life again. Learning to self love was also a big one for me. You can still be a strong person even if you are having mental health struggles. I am also connected to myself and my environment. Medication and the right support system helped a lot, it gave me the strength to not give up.
I learnt more about dpdr, trauma and anxiety. Dpdr is Depersonalisation/derealization. This is a type of dissociation in which you feel disconnected from yourself/others. One of the causes of dpdr is that its a response to trauma, experiencing an overwhelming situation which you cannot fully process emotionally or physically. So then you dissociate from your external environment. It's part of the 'flight and fight' response but there's also a third, called 'freeze' This is when an individual's nervous system is sensitized and believes there's no escape(flight) nor any way to fight back, so you are triggered into freeze mode. For some people, this can lead to dpdr. There are many types of dissociative disorders, such as dissociative identity disorder where it’s developed due to trauma. There is a dissociative spectrum with different disorders and severity of its effects. I don’t know much about the other disorders, nor have enough knowledge to comment on them. I am just focusing on dpdr as it’s something I struggled with. Fortunately for myself, it took a lot less time to achieve a sense of normalcy. Check the links below for more detailed explanations!
Your body and mind can heal, and things can go back to normal - just give yourself the time, be understanding of your self and try not to overwhelm yourself :')
I started many different hobbies to try and build myself up! I tried music production and made a couple of songs, which I'm proud of and still listen to. I tried learning languages. Focusing back on Spanish and French, I used websites like memrise! I started writing to help myself emotionally process the past year and vent - although that had to stop because I got hacked lol. (Then, got accused of hacking which made it weirder) So, back to writing paper, and maybe someday i can buy a type-writer or something like that. I checked ebay and some are being sold for £30-40 so hmmmmm, tempting tempting. Gaming has also been a really relaxing distraction from daily stresses. I started playing animal crossing new horizons again and re-terraformed my whole island. I also stuck to a theme for my island 'cottagecore' apparently its a really common theme and overused in the acnh community, but sucK it, i love it. Also it was entertaining going on Nookazon daily; I have been trading with other players and visiting other islands.
It was faster to recover from anxiety and dp/dr by just continuing my day and plans as normal, even if it did make me anxious. If you're struggling similarly. I really would recommend to still do things, like go out with friends, go shopping, embrace hobbies, visit places you haven't been to before, and make new memories. Just make sure its balanced and you're not overwhelming yourself too fast - so take one step at a time. If you feel uncomfortable meeting with friends, try texting, calling, then build up to meeting them at a safe place and etc. Start in a safe place and slowly build up out of your comfort zone, no matter how long it takes, its worth it. To start living again, rather than just giving up and distracting yourself with constant superficial gratification.
Also another tip or advice: be aware of who you're surrounding yourself with. The people that you have in your social circle can have an effect on your mental health, if they are stressing you out or hold no positive influence over your life - just be aware of the hold it may have on you. Put yourself first and come back when you're ready. And if you feel like you have to cut people off for a while or permanently, I would say do it. Protect your spiritual energy. And, for yourself, be aware of what you're putting out energy wise and the influence you have on others. It can effect the people you love and care about.
As cliché as it sounds life does get better. I have changed for the better, I feel more 'grown up' and ready to handle new responsibilities. I am more aware of my boundaries and my limitations with others. I can forgive and let go. I'm content not going back to people who have hurt me or who I have hurt. Sometimes its just for the best. I take accountability of my own self too and where I have personally gone wrong. Knowing which areas I need to grow in is important for self growth. No individual is perfect, and at some point we do hurt others or get hurt ourselves. I am grateful that I have the ability to learn from my own personal mistakes and can avoid having an victim complex.
Cool changes for this year: I'm planning to get a car soon. I've made a bucket list for 2021 and things I want to do/explore. Camping. Holiday. Keep learning languages. Date ideas. Other fun activities. Try a different job to build experience. Maybe get a tattoo? also, also, figuring out uni stuff for second year :)<3
To anyone else that is struggling with mental health or is not feeling the best, I believe in you. I hope you get better, there are going to be good days and bad days for everyone. Healing is not linear, so treat yourself with kindess and love. I can't imagine what youre going through but I can understand. You're brave, strong and Ily. Thank you for reading <3
Helpful educational youtube links for anxiety and dp/dr:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RPyzPH8sB2A (fight, flight, freeze)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIb7QwFhcYg (narcissist response where you fight, flight, freeze)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ZdEDEUidDg (talking about dp/dr recovery)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1GCjggflEU (dpdr explained)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-PMeMxO8yz8 (causes of dissociation)
#anxiety recovery#depersonalization#dissociation#dpdr#derealistion#mental health awareness#mental health recovery#mental illness recovery#mental heath support#anxiety#generalized anxiety disorder#update
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Joy and Union
Day 2 of Shinoweek 2021 - Winter, Friends/Family
Words: 2.3k
Genre: Fluff, friendship, FRIENDSHIP!!!
Warnings: Self-hate, suicidal thoughts.
Tags: Shinohina, Hinata’s worries and fears. Kiba acts like a clown, Team 8, Team 8 is chaotic and share one braincell.
Author’s Note: This is a onehsot. Wanted to make something light to counter the absolute shitstorm im about to make tomorrow :”v Hope you like it :D
Summary: A simple task—to tail a group of chuunin-level gangsters who had been extorting money from one of Konoha's poorer regions. The group was interested in the mining industry of the area, but have tried to take the compound with illegitimate force.
An insect user has to be able to adapt to all forms of weather, using chakra to regulate body temperature and balance at all times.
It takes a while for Shino to master this technique, but now he uses it almost automatically.
The reason being his persistence to use cloaks and the like in the heat of summer.
Shino knows that there is nothing wrong with his skin. It isn't scarred, tan, or even rough. The Aburames are all born with extremely regenerartive skin, but Shino fears the disgust reflected on his comrades when they see bugs dig out a hole from inside him
(He used to be more blatant with it, reveling in their shock. But Shino learns that this has left him more alienated than accepted)
So in summer months he would cover up with loose robes, with enough ventilation to help his bugs move freely. Of course, Shino prefers the warm embrace of sunlight, but he finds that the winter months can be more comfortable than they seem.
It was during a reconnaissance mission, dead winter, and Team 8 was assigned to a small village to Konoha's North.
A simple task—to tail a group of chuunin-level gangsters who had been extorting money from one of Konoha's poorer regions. The group was interested in the mining industry of the area, but have tried to take the compound with illegitimate force.
Kiba and Akamaru left to chase after the gang leader, while Shino and Hinata were to guard and uphold the mine from other assailants.
It was a quiet morning. The villagers were scared (as they should be) and have decided to hide themselves in their homes. Shino's bugs were less effective during winter, but enough to ward unsuspecting intruders.
Meanwhile Hinata was observing all around with her Byakugan. She has been up for a few long hours.
Shino is not a fool. He notices the pattern that Hinata's behavior takes during missions. To do her best. To never give up. To prove that she is worthy of something. Even if it pushes her over the brink. He’s always hated the way she thinks so poorly of herself, as if she deserved all the discomfort that comes from being a shinobi. He understands the feeling well, though.
"You know that you can leave this to me, right?" Shino muses next to her, "Rest, Hinata. You'll overwork yourself."
Hinata deactivates her Byakugan, lightly rubbing her eyes in an attempt to release strain
"B-But your bugs can't move much during winter, Shino-kun. You need extra chakra to regulate their temperatures." She glances at him, worry apparent on her voice. "You’ve saved me from their attack before. I don’t think you should move much…”
The aforementioned gang was comprised of a compilation of rouge ninja from all sorts of villages. They have a particularly bad reputation within poorer villages but are in esteemed positions in Sunagakure. They’re particularly dangerous for their rejection of manipulation of Suna politics. Not only that, they have weapon masters, innovators, and a single scientist who aid them in their operation.
The whole gang have been on the prowl for a long while, keeping themselves low for the last five years. Three months ago they’ve begun to act more hostile. Starting from a robbery in October to in a mining heist in December. An anonymous tip signaled that the whole gang are on the move, and going on extortion operations as a collective. This information went to the Hokage’s office, who then decided that the elite of the Konoha 9 were to deal with the issue. ‘They’re probably pissed that Gaara’s kazekage now’, Tsunade mentions.
A series of sneezes distracted Shino's thoughts back to Hinata.
Without thinking, Shino had automatically gave Hinata his coat. Winter is harsh towards insect-users, but Shino thinks he can handle this. Of course he can, after everything Hinata has done for the mission.
"Aren't you cold Shino-kun?"
They had a scuffle before, in which one of them surprised them with a Fire-style jutsu, resulting in the loss of 40% of Shino’s kikaichu. Kiba had been fast enough to dodge, but Hinata had to be shielded by Shino. Luckily, both of them were left unscathed. Leaving Hinata to her guilt and her disappointment.
"No, I'm fine. I'll be on guard now, you've done enough, Hinata."
Hinata has always felt lacking. Even if she excelled physically to her teammates, even when she's the de facto taijutsu master in her team. She was always too kind, they'd say. She's too forgiving. From the very beginning, Hinata has left Kiba and Shino to do the dirty work for her. Murdering a team of genins during the Chuunin exams was just the beginning of it.
And Hinata doesn't reject this. She was truly grateful that she didn't play an active part in these deeds.
(And all the while she weeps in regret.
She believed that Shinobi are meant to protect those precious to them.
She never thought that a Shinobi would do such immoral things.
But she never grew out of this mindset, either.)
Years has passed, and they've all grown into more mature, well-adjusted shinobis. She thinks about how to apologize to them. How to reverse the horrible things they've done in her stead. A shinobi is, ultimately, someone who protect those who are important to them. This is what she had trained so hard for. To protect and nurture. The idea of having to harm others in the name of protection—she detests it with her whole being.
Sometimes she thinks,
That if she dies, the souls of those her team has taken would be put at peace.
"It will be fine, Hinata. Don't worry, I can handle this amount of cold." Shino says, as he turned his back on her, facing to step outside the cave.
The Kikaichu were not fully recovered. Should another ambush take place, there was a high chance that Shino would be injured.
(Something in her urges her to rebel against his words. She didn't want it to continue like this—to have Kiba and Shino go out of their way for her.
Especially Shino.)
In a sudden fit, her hands clamped themselves around the boy.
She has always known that Shino was tall, but now that she's close to him did she realize how different their heights are. Hinata notices too that Shino was not as skinny as she thought he was, but she hadn't noticed rhe boy's confusion.
"Hinata what-"
Her ears were red.
"I'm sorry, Shi-Shino-kun, I..I was--"
Panic. She had to find an excuse immediately.
"I-I just think that you're warm Shino," she blushes, looking to the side "You're good at regulating your body temperarure so..."
If she could turn back time Hinata wishes that she could pull herself out of this situation. How silly of her. Hinata makes sure that she was always careful in every action--something she learned from her family the hard way--but she's found herself becoming clumsier than ever.
A trait she inherited from Kiba she supposed,
But this was not time to reminisce.
She has yet to release her hold. She thinks that she shouldn't. Her mouth doesn't form the words that she wants, and she's left speechless with the rush of emotions that gobble her. Her heart tears with a feeling of sorrow. Was she going to be left behind? She despises the way that her sincerity gets in the way of her job.
(Shino Aburame was not someone skittish. Had it been anyone else he'd have felt a bit odd, resistant even, but the fact that it was Hinata eases his mind.)
He doesn't bother her clutching on to him like this. But he doesn't immediately welcome the hug either. The idea of skinship was something he choose not to familiarize with, as people were always quick to avoid his advances, anyways.
(Shino had always been isolating himself against his peers. He strives so hard to be level-headed. He tries his best to do well in class. But none of that made him any more likable--with all the bugs and unfriendly demeanor.)
It started with a slight tap on the back, to one arm wrapped around her, and finally Shino eases himself enough to reciprocate the hug. Their eyes met. Somewhere, somehow, a strong feeling of compassion gripped him. In an instant, he felt an innate understanding rush to his head, as if he was absorbing all of Hinata’s emotions as they hugged.
(Silence fell still on them—the serenity of the scene filling them with an odd elation. Hinata’s mind was previously occupied with dark thoughts, but now she can think of nothing but the winter and Shino’s warmth.)
A lucid, fuzzy feeling overtakes Hinata. Her arms hugged tighter and she smiles into Shino's chest. At first, she was afraid that he'd jump out of her grip. Afraid that, like her family, Shino would have downright rejected any affectionate gesture.
(And the thought terrified her to death. The idea of being separated from her teammates. Separated from her home.)
Shino was pleasantly surprised at himself, too. How simple it was to connect with someone—how easy it had been for Hinata to break his walls. For the first time in a while, Shino feels the joy of having a genuine union with someone, and God did he crave for it so badly.
(Try as he might, but he has always lingered nearby her. Like a moth to a flame.
It felt so natural for Shino, yet his own insecurities had lead him to stubbornly reject all attempts of friendship)
They stayed like that for a minute. And that minute soon grew into half an hour. And just like that, Akamaru comes barking while dragging a group of chuunins tied by rope.
Both of them had known that the gang was strong, feared even. What they didn’t expect was Kiba to be so fast in tracking them down, defeating them single-handedly, and bringing them back to the village. He was always feisty and feral from the beginning, but Kiba really changes when someone hurts his teammates.
"Gee, look who's getting nice and cozy while I do all the work for us. I am so getting a day off after this..." Kiba mused, hauling the unconscious criminals to be taken by Akamaru to Kurenai.
"Kiba-kun! I'm... um... It's not like that..."
"Hinata thinks that I am a heater." Shino says, deadpan. "You can come near if you're cold, too."
Kiba processes Shino's words as his brain buffers. Shino? Allowing physical contact? It must be raining cats and dogs outside. Kiba was in disbelief but there was also a sense of pride in knowing that his teammate's ice cold facade had began to thaw.
Kiba had always been wary of Shino (In a good sense). He made sure not to overstep his boundaries after learning from several prank attempts that you can never escape Shino’s bugs, especially when he decides to use centipedes. Regardless, Kiba acknowledges his existence and understands that some people are a little bit more difficult to get by,
"Hmph. You think I'd need some warming up after all that chasing?" He pouts, looking to the side.
"Because you're fucking right!!" He yells as he tackles both of them to the snow, a cheeky grin lit on his face. Kiba’s brashness made both Hinata and Shino tumble into the snow. Now they’re all tired and not warm. Damn Kiba. His big idiot energy did not register the fact that snow is, indeed, cold.
"Kiba you stupid--now you've got us all cold!" Shino's remark gained light laughter from his teammates.
"That's right,” Kiba replies with a hearty laughter. Because we're going to the hot springs after this mission."
"Hot springs?" Hinata asked, turning to face Kiba "Where do we get the money for that? All the hot springs in the area are luxurious ones..."
Konoha’s northern side was known for it’s winter hot springs. A luxurious view of the mountains as you aid your body in the springs. The nearest one was renowned and popular among ninjas, claiming that the water had rejuvenating properties and could make one younger.
"That. Is something I can deal with." Kiba replies, in his leader-esque voice.
"And how would that be?" Shino is suspicious, but he seems to already know what Kiba is up to.
"You see...These criminals we're after are pretty bad, yeah? Extortion and all that. So when I wrang them up, I happen to find pouches of coins nearby."
There is a lot to be questioned from the word “happen to find”.
"Their pouches are awfully thick, stealing more profit than the ones they took from this village from God knows where. This is clearly our jackpot."
"Kiba-kun... I don't think that's allowed..."
"It is," He replies, sitting up, "We can return most of the money back, take a small fraction of it as added bonus. Don’t underestimate the Inuzuka’s Puppy Eyes Jutsu! Now, if we leave before they wake up, it’ll be in the bag!"
The three of them looked at each other. Nodded. And off they went, finishing affairs with the village chief and storming out of the village. This wasn't the first time Team 8 commited petty crimes, but getting away with it is part of a shinobi's skillset. Or so Kiba thinks.
Shino never thought winter could make him feel so giddy. He should have been freezing to death, especially when Hinata was borrowing his longcoat. But the andrenaline from Kiba's mischief was infectious, and he was unexpectedly more riled up than usual. Hinata too, was under the adrenaline rush.
If the old Shino saw him now, he’d berate him for being so loose. For willingly participate in childish mischief, during a mission, nonetheless. Oh, but Shino couldn’t care less for formalities that day! He’d brush the conduct as “misdemeanor due to injury” and sleep it off.
Shino finds that the winter months are more comfortable than they seem. Warm food, hot springs, and a good night's rest with your comrades. He wishes to meet many more winter months with his precious friends, together.
:)
#shinoweek2021#shino aburame#hinata hyuuga#kiba inuzuka#shinohina#team 8 share one braincell and it is for crime >:)#we love to see shino bonding <3#kiba being big dumb always feels so right to me#i love how kiba is that one dude thats just vibing 24/7#i cant relate to naruto at all i just want to be kiba tbbh#vibe and if someone pissed you off you mark them dynamically
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Easter Tuesday - April 6, 2021
Liturgical Year: Easter Tuesday
by Dom Gueranger, 1908
This is the day which the Lord hath made: let us be glad and rejoice therein.
Our Pasch is the Lamb, and we meditated upon the mystery yesterday: now let us attentively consider those words of sacred Scripture, where, speaking of the Pasch, it says: ‘It is the Phase, that is, the passage of the Lord.’ God Himself adds these words: ‘I will pass through the land of Egypt that night, and will kill every first-born in the land of Egypt, both man and beast; and against all the gods of Egypt I will execute judgments (Exod. xii. 11).’ So that the Pasch is a day of judgment, a day of terrible justice upon the enemies of God; but, for that very reason, it is a day of deliverance for Israel. The lamb is slain; but his immolation is the signal of redemption to the holy people of the Lord.
The people of Israel are slaves to the cruel Pharaoh. Their bondage is the heaviest that can be. Their male children are to be put to death. The race of Abraham, on which repose the promises of the world’s salvation, is doomed. It is time for God to interpose: the Lion of the tribe of Juda, He whom none can resist, must show Himself.
But in this, the Israelites are a type of another and a far more numerous people,–the whole human race; and it is the slave of satan, a tyrant worse than Pharaoh. Its bondage is at its height. It is debased by the vilest idolatry. It has made every base thing its god; and the God that made all things is ignored or blasphemed. With a few rare exceptions out of each generation, men are the victims of hell. Has God’s creation of man, then, been a failure? Not so. The time is come for Him to show the might of His arm: He will pass over the earth, and save mankind.
Jesus, the true Israelite, the true Man come down from heaven, He too is made a captive. His enemies have prevailed against Him, and His bleeding, lifeless Body has been laid in the tomb. The murderers of the just One have even fixed a seal upon the sepulchre, and set a guard to watch it. Here again, the Lord must pass, and confound His enemies by His triumphant passage.
In that Egypt of old, each Israelite family was commanded to slay and eat the Paschal Lamb. Then, at midnight, the Lord passed, as He had promised, over this land of bondage and crime. The destroying Angel followed, slaying with his sword the first-born of the Egyptians, ‘from the first-born of Pharaoh, who sat on his throne, unto the first-born of the captive woman that was in prison, and all the firstborn of the cattle (Exod. xii. 29).’ A cry of mourning resounded through Mesraim: but God is just, and His people was made free!
The same victory was gained in the Resurrection which now gladdens us. The midnight was over, and the last shades of darkness were fleeing from before the rising light: it was then that our Lord passed through the sealed stone of His tomb, unperceived by His guards. His Resurrection was a stroke of death to His first-born people, who had refused to receive Him as their Messias, or to ‘know the time of their visitation (St. Luke, xix. 44).’ The Synagogue was hard of heart, like Pharaoh; it would fain have held captive Him of whom the prophet had said, that He would be ‘free among the dead (Ps. lxxxvii. 6).’ Hereupon, a cry of impotent rage was heard in Jerusalem: but God is just, and Jesus made Himself free!
And oh! what a happiness was this passage of our Lord for the human race! He had adopted us as His brethren, and loved us too tenderly to leave us slaves of satan: therefore, He would have His own Resurrection be ours too, and give us light and liberty. The first-born of satan were routed by such a victory; the power of hell was broken. Yet a little while, and the altars of the false gods shall everywhere be destroyed; yet a little while, and man, regenerated by the preaching of the Apostles, shall acknowledge his Creator and abjure his idols: for this is the day which the Lord hath made: ‘it is the Phase, that is, the passage of the Lord’!
But observe how the two mysteries,–the Lamb and the Passover,–are united in our Pasch. The Lord passes, and bids the destroying Angel slay the first-born in every house, the entrance of which is not marked with the blood of the lamb. This is the shield of protection; where it is, there divine justice passes by and spares. Pharaoh and his people are not signed with the blood of the lamb: yet have they witnessed the most extraordinary miracles, and suffered unheard-of chastisements. All this should have taught them that the God of Israel is not like their own gods, which have no power; but their heart is hard as stone, and neither the works nor the words of Moses have been able to soften it. Therefore does God strike them and deliver His people.
But this very people, this Israel, ungratefully turns against his deliverer; he is content with the types of the good things promised; he will have no other lamb but the material one. In vain do the prophets tell him, that ‘a Lamb is to be sent forth, who shall be King of the earth; that he shall come from the desert to the mount of the daughter of Sion (Is. xvi. 1).’ Israel refuses to acknowledge this Lamb as his Messias; he persecutes Him and puts Him to death; and persists in putting all his confidence in the blood of victims, that have no longer the power to propitiate the anger of God. How terrible will be the Passage of the Lord over Jerusalem, when the sword of the Roman legions shall destroy a whole people!
Satan too, and his wicked angels, had scoffed at this Lamb, they had despised Him, as being too meek and humble to be dreaded; and when they saw Him shedding His Blood on the cross, a shout of exultation rang through the regions of hell. But what was their dismay, when they saw this Lamb descending like a lion into limbo, and setting free from their bondage the countless prisoners of the four thousand previous years? and after this returning to our earth, and inviting all mankind to receive ‘the liberty of the glory of the children of God (Rom. viii. 21)?’
O Jesus! how terrible is Thy Passover to Thine enemies! but how glorious for them that serve Thee! The people of Israel feared it not, because their houses were marked with the blood of the figurative lamb. We are more favoured than they: our Lamb is the Lamb of God, and Thy Blood is signed, not upon our dwellings, but upon our souls. Thy prophet foretold the great mystery, when he said, that on the day of Thy vengeance upon Jerusalem, they would be spared whose foreheads should be marked with the Tau (Ezechiel, ix. 6). Israel despised the prophecy, which is our joy. The Tau is the sign of Thy cross, dear Jesus! It is Thy cross that shields, and protects, and gladdens us in this Pasch of Thy Passover, wherein Thy anger is all for Thine enemies, and Thy blessings all for us!
Jesus shows Himself to all His Apostles, on the evening of the day on which He rose from the grave; and He greets them with the wish of peace. He wishes the same to us, during this Feast of the Pasch. He desires to establish peace among us:–peace between man and God, peace in the conscience of the repentant sinner, peace between man and man by the forgiveness of injuries. Let us welcome this wish of our risen Lord, and jealously preserve the peace He thus deigns to bring us. At His birth in Bethlehem, the Angels announced this peace to men of good will; but now, it is Jesus Himself who brings it to us, for He has accomplished His work of pacification, by dying for us on the cross. The first word He addresses to His Apostles, and through them to us, is Peace! Let us lovingly accept the blessing, and show ourselves to be, in all things, children of peace.
The conduct of the Apostles, on this occasion, deserves our attention. They believe in their Lord’s Resurrection; they eagerly announced the great event to the two disciples of Emmaus: but how weak is their faith! They are troubled and frighted at Jesus’ sudden apparition; and when He graciously permits them to handle Him, they are overpowered with joy, and yet there is a certain inexplicable doubt still lingering in their minds. Our Lord has to condescend even to eat in their presence, in order fully to convince them that it is really Himself, and not a phantom. What a strange inconsistency there is in all this! Had they not already believed and confessed the Resurrection of their Master, before receiving this visit? We have a lesson to learn here: it is, that there are some people who believe, but their faith is so weak, that the slightest shook would endanger it; they say they have faith, but it is of the most superficial kind. And yet, without a lively and vigorous faith, what can we do in the battle we have to be incessantly waging against the devil, the world, and our own selves? He who wrestles with an enemy is desirous to have a sure footing; if he stand on slippery ground, he is sure to be thrown. Nothing is so common now-a-days as unstable faith, which believes as long as there is nothing to try it: but let it be put to the test, and it gives way.
One principal cause of this weakness of faith is that subtle naturalism, which now fills the atmosphere in which we live, and which it is so difficult not to imbibe. Let us earnestly pray for an invincible and supernatural faith, which may be the ruling principle of our conduct, which may never flinch, and may triumph over both our internal and external enemies. Thus shall we be able to apply to ourselves those words of the Apostle St. John: ‘This is the victory which overcometh the world, our faith (I. St. John, v. 4).’
Lamb of God, Who takest away the sins of the world,
Spare us, O Lord.
Lamb of God, Who takest away the sins of the world,
Graciously hear us, O Lord.
Lamb of God, Who takes away the sins of the world,
Have mercy on us.
Adapted from The Liturgical Year by Dom Gueranger
Practice During Paschal Time
The practice for this holy season mainly consists in the spiritual joy which it should produce in every soul that is risen with Jesus. This joy is a foretaste of eternal happiness, and the Christian ought to consider it a duty to keep it up within him, by ardently seeking after that life which is in our Divine Head, and by carefully shunning sin which causes death. During the last 9 weeks we have mourned for our sins and done penance for them; we have followed Jesus to Calvary; but now, our Holy Mother the Church is urgent in bidding us rejoice. She Herself has laid aside all sorrow; the voice of Her weeping is changed into the song of a delighted Spouse. The great liturgist of the 12th century, Rupert, Abbot of Deutz, thus speaks of the pious artifice used by the Church to infuse the spirit of Easter into all: “There are certain carnal minds that seem unable to open their eyes to spiritual things, unless roused by some unusual excitement; and for this reason the Church makes use of such means. Thus, the Lenten fast, which we offer up to God as our yearly tithe, goes on till the most sacred night of Easter; then follow 50 days without so much as one single fast. Hence…that holy night is eagerly looked forward to even by the carnal-minded… Thus the sacred solemnity is sweet to all, dear to all, and desired by all, as light is to them that walk in darkness, as a fount of living water is to them that thirst, and as a tent which the Lord hath pitched for wearied wayfarers.”
What a happy time it was when, as St. Bernard expresses it, there was not one in the whole Christian army that neglected his Easter duty, and when all, both just and sinners, walked together in the path of the Lenten observances! Alas! those days are gone, and Easter has not the same effect on the people of our generation! The reason is that a love of ease and a false conscience lead so many “Christians” to treat the law of Lent with as much indifference as if there were no such law existing. Hence, Easter comes upon them as a feast – it may be a great feast – but that is all; they experience little of that thrilling joy which fills the heart of the Church during this season, and which She evinces in everything She does. And if this be their case even on the glorious day itself, how can it be expected that they should keep up, for the whole 50, the spirit of gladness, which is the very essence of Easter? They have not observed the fast or the abstinence of Lent: the mitigated form in which the Church now presents them to her children, in consideration of their weakness, was too severe for them! They excused themselves from Lenten mortification without regret or remorse. The Alleluia returns, and it finds no response in their souls: how could it? Penance has not done its work of purification; it has not spiritualized them; how then could they follow their Risen Jesus, Whose life is henceforth more of Heaven than of earth?
But these reflections are too sad for such a season as this: let us beseech our risen Jesus to enlighten these souls with the rays of His victory over the world and the flesh, and to raise them up to Himself. No, nothing can distract us from joy. “Can the children of the Bridegroom mourn, as long as the Bridegroom is with them?” (Matt. 9: 15) Jesus is to be with us for 40 days; He is to suffer no more, and die no more; let our feelings be in keeping with His now endless glory and bliss. True, He is to leave us, He is to ascend to the right hand of His Father; but He will not leave us orphans; He will send us the divine Comforter, who will abide with us forever. These sweet and consoling words must be our Easter text: “The children of the Bridegroom cannot mourn, as long as the Bridegroom is with them.” They are the key to the whole Liturgy of this Holy Season. We must have them ever before us, and we shall find by experience that the joy of Easter is as salutary as the contrition and penance of Lent.
But this Easter of ours will have an end; the bright vision of our Risen Jesus will pass away; and all that will be left to us is the recollection of His ineffable glory, and of the wonderful familiarity wherewith He treated us. What shall we do, when He Who was our very life and light leaves us and ascends to Heaven? Be of good heart, Christians! You must look forward to another Easter. Each year will give you a repetition of what you now enjoy. Easter will follow Easter, and bring you at last to that Easter in Heaven which is never to have an end, and of which these happy ones of earth are a mere foretaste. Nor is this all. Listen to the Church. In one of Her prayers She reveals to us the great secret, how we may perpetuate our Easters even here in our banishment – “Grant to Thy servants, O God, that they may keep up, by their manner of living, the Mystery they have received by believing” (Collect for Tuesday in Easter Week). So then, the Mystery of Easter is to be ever visible on this earth; our Risen Jesus ascends to Heaven, but He leaves upon us the impress of His Resurrection, and we must retain it within us until He again visits us.
And how could it be that we should not retain this divine impress within us? Are not all the mysteries of our Divine Master ours also? From His very first coming in the Flesh, He has made us sharers in everything He has done. He was born in Bethlehem: we were born together with Him. He was crucified: our “old man was crucified with Him” (Rom. 6: 6). He was buried: “we were buried with Him” (Rom 6: 4). And therefore, when He rose from the grave, we also received the grace that we should “walk in the newness of life” (Ibid.) To die again by sin would be to renounce Him, to separate ourselves from Him, to forfeit that Death and Resurrection of His which He mercifully willed should be ours. Let us therefore preserve within us that life, which is the life of our Jesus, and which yet belongs to us as our own treasure.
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Page 58 & Heartbreaks || V + NV
When: April 27th, 2021
Where: Nearby Cafe in Downtown Santa Monica
Warnings: none.
Featuring: @niklausvondra
Nessa was still reeling after running into Nick at La Playa, maybe it was some sort of trippy high or maybe she was drunk. It had to have been fake, right? She sighed, taking a seat at the cafe with her boba tea as she buried herself into her book, basking in the silence until she heard the little bell that someone had walked in which caught her attention, and there he was, walking in...and her heart, sunk.
Nick:
Niklaus still couldn’t gather his mind around how long it has been since he strolled around Santa Monica. Ever since his parents shipped me out of country to visit his grandparents, he’s been struggling with his own demons and while that his father decided to use his journal of poems to publish without his permission to get more money into their bank. He ran a hand through his messy curls and entered the shop, looking around until he saw her again, the feeling in his gut dropping, he knew that if he turned around and right back out that would be a dick move or would it be the best choice? Without a second thought he raised his hand in a small wave.
Their eyes met. He saw her, he waved, she knows he waved, she quickly glanced, there's only one person around and they're asleep. Carefully, Nessa offered a half smile and waved back at him, after all it'd be impolite to if she didn't. Maybe he'd leave...maybe he'd stay. She wasn't banking on him staying to talk to her, after all. She could feel her heart hammering against her chest as her gaze went back to the chapter she was on, but she couldn't focus as her eyes kept glancing over to him.
Nick:
Niklaus chewed on his thumb nail and walked towards the counter, ordering himself a London fog and mentioned that he would be sitting over by where she was sitting. Ever since that incident and him running after Nicole, he knew that hurt her. Hell he hated the fact he let his sister words effect him to agreeing to cut ties off with Vanessa. He strolled up to where she was sitting and chuckled, “fancy seeing you here.”
Nessa took a sip of her tea and tried focusing once more on the pages, her mind was a fog, trying to push the last time she had seen him. The blank stare they both shared before he left...she truly thought it would be the last time she'd see him until a few days ago...until now. At the sound of his voice, her head slowly rose, her eyes meeting his, "Quite fancy," She responded with a light-hearted laugh. "I reckon you're looking for inspiration, yeah?"
Nick:
”Inspiration?” His deep voice rang out, in a questioning manner before laughing, “I’m just grabbing myself a cup of tea, wake myself up of at least attempt to wake up before going to Nikki’s to help with packages.” If his sister knew he was standing here with Vanessa, she would probably be fuming. Yet he couldn’t stop himself from keeping conversations, his heart ached, yearning but now they were two different people. Strangers.
Nessa's eyes slightly widened at Niklaus' voice. It was so deep...the last time she had seen him, there was still that hint of boyishness left in it. God, she missed him--and she hated it. "Ah, that's right, she's got the flower shop that people have been raving about," She added with a genuine smile. As much as Nicole equally broke her heart like Niklaus...she was genuinely happy for both of them. They achieved their dreams, or so she hoped. It was hard, how the person she once loved, was now a stranger. "You've got a lot more tattoos now."
Nick:
”Yeah, she’s pretty proud of the outcome. Ranting and raving about it nonstop, it’s quite tiring to hear,” nick shrugged his shoulders and chuckled, “I did...pretty soon I’m just going to be a walking doodle book, my fathers words not mine, cleaver though, who knew the old man had it in him to make jokes. “I saw that you’re making it big in the fashion world, that’s wonderful to see you making your name known.”
“That’s great!—You know aside the constant ranting and raving. Just so you know the first few years of starting up will be like that,” Nessa warned with a chuckle. She could imagine Nick being driven up the wall. She inspected his tattoos for a while before her eyes met his again, her nose going up in a scrunch as she laughed once more, this time, it was much more, her. “Well in that case you should pitch to your dad about getting washable markers or watercolors to paint yourself, you’d look like a doodle book then, yeah?” At the mention of her making it big, it tugged slightly at her heartstrings, he had always believed in her. “Yeah,” her smile softened. “Thank you. It took a bit, but they couldn’t say no to the world’s prettiest girl, could they?” She teased. Her eyes fell back to his tattoos again, inspecting the newer ones until her eyes fell on the anchor and she purposely pointed it out, “I really like this one.”
Nick:
Nick couldn’t help but to laugh, the thought of telling his dad that is amusing, he knew his mom would find it hilarious but his dad would just simply glare at him. “And even if they did say no, they’re clearly blind.” He said softly, his eyes not wavering from hers until the barista brought his tea, breaking eye contact with Vanessa and flash a smile in thanks to the barista, turning back to Vanessa. The mention of his tattoo, he looked down and chuckled, “ah yes...let me tell you, the pain of getting it was terrible but I think it turned out good.”
And there came that laugh...that laugh that Nessa missed so much, just the thought of it made her heart skip a beat as much as she tried fighting it off, it caused that same curious smile of hers to appear on her face. At his compliment she shook her head with a smile, "You've got me there. Luckily, the odds were in my favor." The way he held each other's gazes practically mirrored every moment they had together in the past. When his gaze drifted over to the barista, she smiled politely at them and closed her book, setting it off to the side to allow more room between them. "I can't even imagine," She said with a curious look. "It's amazing!--Which, I should also say too for the record I got my first one a few months ago. I figured you'd be proud."
Nick:
Niklaus had several tattoos covering his body, most of them were impulses and the others held smaller meanings, most of all he knew that it bothered his parents which was why he got them. "If it's a basic tattoo...I wouldn't be so proud." he jokingly stated, giving her a hard time when in reality, he would be proud, he was proud of whatever she does and maybe that was his downfall. Nick still wanted to know if she craved him as much as he craved her, wanting to reach out to caress her lips and even kiss them, clearing his throat at those thoughts and placing a fake smile upon his features. "I'm glad you're chasing after your dreams. I did tell you that you could make it."
Nessa tried studying some of his other tattoos without making it too obvious that she was staring. When she knew him, his arms were still bare for the most part, but now here he was, all tatted later...and looking incredible. "Well for your information it's a song lyric that goes across my ribcage," She playfully stuck her tongue out at him before chuckling. There was still this lingering ache that Nessa felt, the urge to run her fingers across the ink across his skin, the urge to run into his arms again. She instead opted to take another sip of her tea to calm her thoughts, and gave a half-hearted smile. "Yeah, you did. I just..." wished you were there to celebrate it with me..., she thought to herself. She trailed off and shook her head. "It just took a bit of time, lots of patience, but, it was well worth it.
Nick:
Niklaus nodded his head in understanding, he wondered if life would’ve turned out different if they were honest with Nicole, maybe they would’ve lasted longer. But at least, things were bittersweet and he couldn’t take anything back. “Sounds accurate, life has a way of turning out different.” He took a seat and settled in, bringing his cup of tea to his lips and slowly taking a sip. “How long has it been.”
It was at that moment Nessa wished she had talked to Nicole after everything had gone down. She should've fought harder rather than shy away, heartbroken. At least...to an extent, there wasn't too much bad blood between them. "It certainly does. Sometimes it's ugly and sometimes it turns the ugly into beauty," She smiled. At his question, she nearly froze but took a sip of her own tea to think. "Eight years," She whispered.
Nick:
Nick hummed under his breath, “Seems longer,” he replied back softly, setting the cup down on the table, his long fingers tapping against the mug and looked up at her. “I think you should try and mend things with Nicole, like you said it’s been eight years—I know for a fact she misses you,” I miss you those thoughts dwelling in his head.
"Seems much longer," Nessa nodded in agreement. She rested her chin on the palm of her hand and looked up at him for a moment. "Yeah," She sighed softly. "Eight years is long overdue. I mean we all have had mistakes we've made and all, we were young and dumb, after all," She chuckled lightly. "I miss her...and you," She admitted.
Nick:
Nick chuckled lightly, he knew his twin sister and knew that she was still stubborn and probably need to have a talk with her about learning to forgive and move on. “Right...” he tried not to overthink her words, letting it get the best of him, “but I’m sure you two will have time since we officially moved back, not going to lie, I missed Santa Monica.”
Nessa's smile dropped slightly at Nick's reaction. She had to make it known that she missed him somehow. She missed both her best friend and him...and it was hard. "Yeah...whenever she's free I could always pop by her shop or we could go out for a cuppa," She offered with a smile. "Just...Santa Monica?" She asked curiously.
Nick:
Nick pressed his lips together and nodded his head, not wanting to cross that line again. He was already hurt in the past and he knew his choice over her probably hurt him as well. “Yes, just Santa Monica.” His voice rang out in a dull tone, lifting his cup back up to take a drink.
And there it was, that reassuring moment of heartbreak. She exchanged a half-hearted smile and took a sip of her tea and dragged her book back in front of her. It wasn't just any book...it was poetry. "Well, you best get on your way so you don't miss out on the new sights and sounds of the city."
Nick:
Nick’s eyes drifted down to look at the book, the sharp inhale as he quickly pulled himself together and practice the self restrain, tapping down on the table and stood up. “Yes, sight seeing...very American. I’ll see you around Ness, and I suggest reading page 58.”
Nessa tried not to make eye contact with him for a moment to gather herself, her thoughts, trying to push down every bit of heartbreak. Finally she took a breath, her gaze was emotionless, "I'm sure you'd need it," She suggested. Before he walked off, she breathed out, "Did I really...mean nothing to you, Niklaus?" She asked.
Nick:
He paused, his voice stuck in his throat and looked out the window before glancing over at Vanessa again, giving her a small smile. “I have to get going, after all, it’s a gorgeous day.” Nick avoided the subject and resist the urge to reach out to squeeze her shoulder, taking a step before adding, “page 58.”
Nessa furrowed her brow when he completely avoided the subject which revved her up. Sometimes, Nick was infuriating like that, but she sighed and smiled a rather...poster-like smile. "Right..you're right." Looking back at her book, she was just two pages from page 58 and she huffed, flipping to the two pages until her heart dropped. For a moment she stayed quiet until she said, "And in the end I will seek you out amongst the stars. The space dust of me will whisper I love you into the infinity of the universe."
Nick:
Nick walked out with his cup in hand and left the cafe, smiling as he felt the sun warm him up, something he hasn’t felt in a long while. He started walking towards his sisters and glanced over his shoulder to look at her one last time and out of sight.
Nessa looked up to stop him to see that he had left and she sighed, closing her book and shutting her eyes. This was just another test. He'd always run from her...it was like trying to holding water, always slipping through the cracks of your fingers.
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I posted 7787 times in 2021
4 posts created (0%)
7783 posts reblogged (100%)
For every post I created, I reblogged 1945.8 posts.
I added 135 tags in 2021
#ivar the boneless - 22 posts
#vikings - 20 posts
#incorrect quotes - 15 posts
#vikings incorrect quotes - 15 posts
#incorrect vikings quotes - 14 posts
#incorrect vikings - 11 posts
#hvitserk - 11 posts
#ivar - 10 posts
#hvitserk ragnarsson - 9 posts
#sigurd snake in the eye - 8 posts
Longest Tag: 60 characters
#also xd i love how all his gifs comes from the same blog xdd
My Top Posts in 2021
#4
Ubbe Ragnarsson || S05E01
6 notes • Posted 2021-05-27 12:35:10 GMT
#3
HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO EVERYONE!
I am not best at make up but I did what I could to make a undead cowgirl! I was playing too much RDR2 recently.
See the full post
12 notes • Posted 2021-10-31 13:11:28 GMT
#2
About Cyberpunk
Whole Internet: WHY WE CAN'T ROMANCE TAKEMURA?! WE ARE SO MAD! JHGFVBNJMHYGTRFDSXC VBNMJHYGTFDCXEDRFGTFDV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Takemura x reader/v tag almost be like:
Me: So why you don't try to fix it a little?
See the full post
58 notes • Posted 2021-03-11 19:37:26 GMT
#1
I Can’t Sleep Without You || Ivar x reader || Modern
This is my fic created for @ofmanderley’s writing challenge.
My prompt was: It's 4:03 and I can't sleep without you next to me.
First of all I need to apologize because I am SUPER late with my work but life was kinda crazy and writing block wasn’t kind!
Hope you will like it!
Being with Ivar Ragnarsson wasn't an easy task to perform.
He was a man of a short temper; he could be cruel and mean but thankfully for him you were out of the reach of his anger. Ivar always did his best to keep his raging nerves away from you. For him, you were his little treasure, a lovely woman who was patient enough to even try to form any kind of relationship with him.
You got used to this life and no matter what everyone said, you stayed by his side.
Of course you didn't do this because Ivar forced you or blackmailed you. The love towards this man was simply too strong within you.
After two years of being together you learned that behind that huge, thick wall he built around himself was a suffering, lonely man that craved to be loved.
____________________________
There was one thing you loved to do right after work - paying a visit in the local cafe. It was a quiet, little, cozy place.
You sat at your favourite table and placed your usual order - a cup of coffee and a piece of pie.
Last thing you expected that day was to see a familiar face.
"Y/N, I didn't expect to see you here," Bjørn smiled, sitting in the chair right in front of you.
"Hi, Bjørn," you greeted him, returning the smile. "How are you doing?"
Eldest Ragnarsson nodded. "Oh, I am doing just fine. Since I have a break at work, I decided to get myself a coffee and something sweet."
____________________________
"So, when do you have this big game of yours?," Ubbe asked, looking into his phone.
"Seriously? I am going on and on about it for weeks now. It's this weekend, Saturday to be exact," Hvitserk rolled his eyes; he grew annoyed by repeating himself on and on.
"Forgive him. I guess the family takes a lot out of our dear brother," Ivar chuckled.
All three of them walked down the street.
It was the first time in months when they could just meet and go out. Even if they didn't plan anything crazy, it still was nice to get reunited.
"I at least have a family, Ivar. You and Y/N could think about it as well," Ubbe shrugged, placing the phone back in his pocket. "Mother is still talking about it."
"Mother will talk. We both feel comfortable with how things are for now. I am not pushing her and she is not pushing me, to anything. We just live the best of our lives and we both are happy about that," Ivar answered, nodding.
"I mean, that's sound fair," Hvitserk commented.
Boys quickly changed the subject to something far way interesting to talk about.
They walked lively as they talked about some stuff.
The nice atmosphere lasted until Hvitserk stopped in front of a little cafe. Through the cafe's big window he spotted a familiar person, actually two to be exact.
You were sitting there, talking with Bjørn and giggling like a schoolgirl.
"Yo, Ivar? Isn't it Y/N?”
Ubbe and Ivar looked over their shoulders, and then joined Hvitserk.
Ivar frowned as soon as he spotted you.
Of course you going out wasn't a problem for him, you were a free woman after all but meeting with Bjørn? Out of all the people?! Fucking Bjørn. What else?! Maybe you were doing it regularly behind his back?
See the full post
192 notes • Posted 2021-05-09 15:10:06 GMT
Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →
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2021 list
Random list of things I want to do/I’m looking forward to this year:
Will update by the end of the year.
Also made it public for a lil extra push. It’s not too public tho since I don’t really know anyone here on tumblr so. Anyway...
__ Canada. I can go there as a tourist (faster and easier) but I don’t want to if the situation doesn't change. But maybe this is blocking me from getting there. Maybe I’m subconsciously wishing I don’t have to go yet because I don't want to see him. I've tried to forgive but I guess I'm still disgusted. Okay. So what are we gonna do?
__ Saudi. My sister and brother-in-law needs me there for 3 months and I don’t really mind. Probably extend to UK too if possible. It’s not yet final but nothing’s holding me back (except the pandemic. no biggie. lol) so I guess we'll see.
__ Newborn Photography. I’m trying to set-up a home studio. Still looking for alternatives because everything’s so expensive whyyy. Anyway, one at a time. I know I can do it. I don’t know. I just know haha. Such (false) confidence. But I’m really nervous. And excited. So... we’ll see. Just start, dammit. Also, maybe I should consider settling here in my hometown ? When all else fails. Tho I still can’t imagine myself back here for good but okay. I’ll think about it. And no, I probably wouldn't go back to Manila. Maybe Baguio? Okay stop right there you're thinking too much.
__ Get a (real) job. I know that I won't be getting a stable income from newborn photography (not yet anyway) so I need to do something else like freelance photoediting or a corporate job or smth.
__ Dating. Nope. Probably not. Maybe next year. Or never jk. I’ll try again when I’m ready. When I’m not like *this*. When I’m better. Less broken. Braver ? Maybe when I’m 40 and I’m living with my dogs/cats. And dead plants. We’ll see.
__ Self-love. Yes. Learn to love myself more. Because how can I accept the love I want and deserve if I always feel like I’m not good enough? I hope to meet a better version of myself by the end of this year. And every year onwards.
__Dog. Puppy. I waaaant. Says someone who’s only finally able to properly pet a dog a few months ago. So am I deserving to be a fur mom? Am I even qualified? I guess I really need to work hard so I can adopt one. Need to be financially stable for my future baby/ies lol.
__ Ear piercings! I’ve been wanting to get at least one since last year. And I just got two! Upper lobe and helix. I just want to include it here just in case I couldn’t check anything else. At least there’s one haha. This is an achievement for someone who’s scared of needles. Let’s hope by the time my piercings are healed, my heart is too lol.
**It’s 3am and I’m listening to Strings by Young the Giant on loop. I just discovered it yesterday and I really like it. It’s like a gentle pat on the head. Also Snow Flower (feat. Peakboy) by V. I’ve been listening to it since New Year’s Eve. Okay. Good night. Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuug.
14JAN2021 03:46AM
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DONALD STRACHAN ON THE RADIO – 'TRACKS OF THE MONTH' 2020 – FOUND POEM (from lyrics)'
At the end of the year it has become customary for me to look back over my selections for 'track of the month' over the year. Last year as I prepared to play all of them in sequence during my last show of the year I felt moved to look more closely at the lyrics and try to create a found poem* I believe that the end result worked and so I had another go this year. Here is the result of my analysis of this year's lyrics – I now wonder what I might come up with at the end of 2021.
All you need is the power of your mind, in this mess we have forgotten, who we are, and yes there will be sacrifice to make.
Life is but a journey, a labyrinth of tos and fros, a ship on sometimes, troubled waters, destination unknown.
I've been down, I've been low, I've been places you'll never go.
But when I felt like giving up, I faught my heart; no I can't do that.
I'm taking my life back – and I'm gonna rise like a phoenix from the ashes.
I'm gonna rise so high I can almost touch the sky.
Suddenly I can't breathe, I can't stand.
With my love wearing thin, I understand.
I can get up out of bed and I can clean up.
If I unwind in my own time, will panic remain?
It's the little white lies that hurt the most;
holding on tight but just chasing ghosts.
Counting down the days for this to end;
no more secrets it's game over.
A future unknown, but oh how I've grown.
I come from the past, and present milestones.
My loves, my dreams, my plans, my schemes.
I feel the world is at my feet; I'm lost in time, lost in time.
Working through my lunch break and I dream of 9 to 5,
But my boss is on my back so I'll do 9 to 9.
And I'm working in the evening and I'm working on the train,
while my boss is on the golf course working on his game.
Every breath we change and watch the rising tide,
is this the end of all I've ever known?
Don't hold back the tide, don't fight from the inside;
the wind of change is burning in your eyes.
I've got ice water in my veins , throwing a swift curve-ball.
Too much talk, this ain't a run, it's marathon.
Put your eye on the ball when it's in your court.
Dropping balls, missing goals, do you even play this sport?
Old white men have had their turn,
thousands of years what have we learned?
It's about time to care for the living.
Time to stop blaming and start forgiving.
There is no rhyme or reason with each changing season,
the mood goes up or down, it's either a smile or frown that you wear upon your face.
With winter comes the cold, when sadness will take hold,
I'll reach down touch your heart, give it a jump start.
We're just these shapes we're bones with flesh,
moving through time and space.
We've all been bored with each step,
we're taking it day by day.
Watch your back you'll never know, who's your friend just for show.
Scandal scandal locker room talk;
build the lies into a wall, one mistake your whole world falls;
think you're so slick but you're toxic
** First lyrics for 2021 =
“I wanna see the whole damn world. One crossroad can change it all. ”
For reference here is a list of these tracks along with links to videos of each (I also include numbering to indicate these tracks place in the totality of my previous 'tracks of the month'; last year when I first attempted this exercise I did wonder if I should go right back to the start and look to create another found poem from them all? Still on my 'to do list'!)
86/ Jan 2020 Livia 'Natural High'
87/ Feb 2020 L Perry 'I'm Gonna Rise'
88/ Mar 2020 Stillhound 'Dreamed Up'
79/ Apr 2020 Tiger Lilly 'Game Over'
80/ May 2020 Reely Jiggered 'Lost In Time' at 19.30
81/ Jun 2020 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dIP4ye4CY-c
82/ Jul 2020 Morph The Cat 'Shapes'
81/ Aug 2020 Dream Wife 'Sports!'
82/ Sep 2020 Jefferson Starship 'It's About Time'
83/ Oct 2020 Blue Moon Harem 'All In Your Head'
84/ Nov 2020 Kev Howell 'Arrows'
85/ Dec 2020 Torrey Mercer 'Hate Spree'
*Found poetry is a type of poetry created by taking words, phrases, and sometimes whole passages from other sources and reframing them (a literary equivalent of a collage) by making changes in spacing and lines, or by adding or deleting text, thus imparting new meaning. The resulting poem can be defined as either treated: changed in a profound and systematic manner; or untreated: virtually unchanged from the order, syntax and meaning of the poem.
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