#two butthole cat | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jinkiezzsstuff · 3 months

Text

The Dog And The Deer

Alastor x werewolf/dog GNreader

ever since i found out alastor was attacked by dogs i awaited for a fic with a dog reader but alas i never found one, honestly love the idea so i splurged one out but im not sure im the happiest with it. also thank you to anyone who read my lucifer x reader it’s pretty wild like that many ppl liked it made my butthole pucker tbh. i hope y’all enjoy this kiss kiss

warnings: no YN, no alluding to or mentioning of bodytype/hairtype/skin colour or gender, morally grey reader(maybe?), descriptions of blood and animal death (nothing gorey yuck), cannibalism on alastors part, swearing, slowburnish, i think that’s all?

words: 4K

Alastor’s eye twitched watching as the mutt demon trotted around the hotels foyer with Angel. There was no worse stench then that of a dog. One of the few traumatic memories Alastor still holds close is the smell of wet dog along with memories of their jaws and teeth. Although, no one would ever catch him showing how uncomfortable your presence made him, that’d take away the image he’s created and potrayed throughout his nearly hundred years of being dead.

Yet as much as he hated every bit of your demonic form, he couldn’t help the slight tinge of desire to get closer to you, strange as it may be. You’re charasmatic and expressive, you let your ears and tail display the emotions you felt freely without holding back like he did. You got along with everyone at the hotel perfectly and you seemed to have a head on your shoulders; helping Charlie out with problems she couldn’t solve, and quipping back with fast remarks to insults thrown at you. Hell, you even got on Husks good side, a literal cat, a dogs worst enemy and vice versa.

Luckily no patron paid mind to the fact he always took the furthest spot from you at the table, or how his eyes never met yours in conversation, or that he never directly talked to you, more at you before walking off. No, nobody cares about his distance between himself and you, and if they did they knew better than to bring it up to him. Therefore he worried not about confronting you- that was up until this point. Watching with an unamused look, eyes lidded as he followed your figure waving bye to Angel and turning to him. You practically skipped your way over to him with a smile and he fought make the urge to get up and zip away.

You on the other hand, despite knowing his carnage good and well, respected the demon for the formalities he carried, as well as the little mortality he did have. It didn’t go unnoticed by you how much he seemingly hated you, you weren’t dense, but Charlie explained that Alastor was a generally private and mysterious overlord so you chalked it up to being his ‘thing’ paid no mind.

You will admit though, you were hoping that after a month or so of attending the hotel, he’d open up to your presence a little more. He wouldn’t. But! He still fed you when he cooked, woke you when you slept in, and kept you out of harms way as he did the other attendees, as well as escort you out whenever others were busy.

After a gossip session with Angel last night, you two concluded it was time to get to the bottom of the situation. Angel immediately went to the assumption he either wanted to fuck, or kill you, which you hoped he didn’t want to kill you, thankfully you moved along the topic by distracting Angel with other topics. You knew Angel out of anyone would be able to sniff out the fact you had the hots for the radio deer.

But that conversation is what landed you beside the radio demon on the couch, who statically crackled as you did so. “Hello Alastor, you look relaxed today, how’s everything going.” The deers eye twitched, a slight fog of black lingered up and around the couch, his smile strained and you could hear the sound of staticy disembodied voices in and around you.

You weren’t stupid to the fact he didn’t like you for sure now, but you were stupid enough to pretend you didn’t know. So you stayed smiling nervously up at him, but he simply stared forward. And after a few short moments he seemed to perk up ever so slightly snapping up and out of it. “Well my dear, i am doing just fantastic! Today has been one of leisure, i very rarely get to take those!” He exclaimed broadcaster voice in full effect, the smog and stactic zipped away as he composed himself entirely. You relaxed just slightly feeling just a little more welcomed. “That’s good to hear Al, I’m glad you get some time to yourself. You’ve done a lot with your magic for this place. Must be draining.” Alastor hummed daring to take a peak down at you.

You seemed to have all guards down around him, your canines poked out of your mouth slightly, quietly your tail thumped happily beside you, which he admittedly found to be quite adorable and idiotic why aren’t you more alert?. “You’re too kind darling, too kind. But I must go, I have to prepare my dinner.” Standing Alastor dusted himself off and swung his arms behind him, but before he could get anywhere you stood with him, your tail rapidly wagging. “Could i help?” Alastor’s ear twitched at that, his escape plan wasn’t very effective.

“Well, my dear, it’d be a little difficult, i like my meat, fresh.” His voice dropped an octave static taking over his voice, this time though he properly looked down at you, meeting your gaze. It sickened him that the first thing that crossed his mind was how enchanting your eyes are. You were a breed of demon he’d rather not associate with, and any lovey dovey emotion weakened his demonic image, and scrambled his mind with confusing emotions he’d rather not confront.

“Don’t worry Al, Vaggie told me you eat deer, i don’t really see the big deal about that one. Maybe i can try some.. oh do you hunt? I can totally catch it for you, this dog body is built for that!” You said hurriedly standing alongside him hands clasped in front of you almost like you were begging. Never would you say so, but were desperate to spend some time with him, it was stressful walking on eggshells all the time just for him.

Alastor’s eyebrows rose, he was decently pleased with the idea of a hunting partner, shrugging his shoulders he agreed, humming indifferently at you. “Follow me sweetheart, there are no deer out here!” Grinning wildely you skipped behind him, finally getting the attention you so desperately wanted from him. You mostly hid the longing to have the same attention the others got, while he literally pulled the others toward him, he kept metaphorically pushing you away. He never pulled you into song and dance, touched you, talked to you, hell half the time he wouldn’t even look at you as if you were a ghost. You also tried to interrogate everyone on his behaviour without appearing to obsessed, luckily the only one who seemed to notice this frantic questioning was Husk.

Husk was a good guy though, and took it with ease promising to not mention the sudden interest in Alastor and his behaviour. He did warn you to ‘watch your ass’ diggin into business that wasn’t your own. Outside of Husk mentioning that Alastor’s never been a fan of animals, a one off thing you barely paid mind to, the investigation left you empty handed. Nobody at the hotel really understood Alastor’s behaviour. Or Alastor in general, but you held hope they would.

“Here we are my dear,” Alastor exclamiend theatrically swinging his door open and leading you inside to the woody section of his room with his microphone positioned in the middle of your back. The furthest he’s ever gone to touch you, in truth. Focusing your eyes ahead you didn’t look around much, not wanting to be rude and stare at everything, though it was hard. You wanted to see how he liked things in his personal space, when he was all alone.

“Is this like a personal farm or something, are you like a breeder or…” You questioned quirking a brow up at him. Alastor chuckled quietly you could hear an audience echoing his laugh around the two of you. “No no, this!” He exclaimed stretching his arms out toward the greenery. “Is a glimpse straight into the forest, where the freshest of meats frolic.” Alastor looked back at you wicked grin on his face. “Ready to show me what you’re capable of, pup?”

Swinging his microphone around he then stuck it out toward the wilderness. With what he said you felt the need to impress him, so with smile and a nod you took off. After fifteen minutes, you returned. Alastor stood impatiently picking at his claws bored expression gracing his face, although his smile still present. Considering you planned to show off, you came back full demonic form on display and with two deer; one deer, sagged dead between your teeth, the other in your grasp.

Once Alastor decided to look up from his nails, he was petrified, and fought against the urge to flee like the prey he was reborn as. Alastor wouldn’t ever admit his fear directly but it was palpable, you could even smell it on him thanks to the fact you had the heightened ability to smell the stress hormones. To Alastors defence you appeared more dog than sinner at this point, a twisted mutation of what could’ve been a dog or possibly werewolf, he wasn’t sure and honestly neither were you. What he was sure of was that it made him nauseous looking at you and angry that you had that effect on him by simple existing.

Coming back to yourself, and what you’d typically look like, you dropped the deer at his feet, but he only stared at you, particularly your blood covered teeth. “Alastor what’s wrong? Uh, whatever happens in the forest stays in the forest?” You quickly say, panicking at such a display, you didn’t know him that well and visually you couldn’t entirely pick up on what he was thinking but you could pick up the way his blood rushed quicker through his veines, and how he clenched his teeth tighter than ever. “Nothing.” He snapped out fast as ever, but what shocked you most is the radio static in his voice left completely, you actually heard him.

Stepping an inch closer, testing the waters, you slowly reach out to his arm. Your gaze was locked on his eyes to try and find anything that could have given you the slightest hint at whether or not to pull away, but you found none. So crossing your fingers, metaphorically, you closed the small gap between you and him, very gently placing your hand on his arm.

Quietly you spoke. “I’m not sure whats wrong Al, but i know something’s up, and I know how you like to protect your image so don’t worry, i swear on my after life i won’t tell a soul about this.” Much to his dismay, he gave into your words of comfort, his posture falling slightly. Alastor’s smile never fell, but other parts of him did, like his ears and finally his eyes. He looked down to you and you could finally tell something was seriously fucked with how easily he let himself give in. “I was attacked by dogs before i died, is all, my dear. Ahhh, sometimes those pesky human emotions still remain present.“

“Is that why you avoided me?” You questioned putting the pieces together. With more confidence you moved a step closer to him, and he made no moves to stop you. “Yes, I apologize for my rude display, I’m not fond of dogs.” You inwardly scoffed. Dog, you were like, more of a werewolf anyways which was way cooler. “Well Alastor, what better way to overcome discomfort than befriending a dog! Than you’ll never have to worry about any dog sinner getting the upper hand!” Somewhere in that sentence was comedy gold, apparently, considering Alastor erupted into insane laughter which just had you awkwardly standing there watching as he vibrated joyfully.

Once his cackling was finished, he wiped away a non existent tear and bent toward you. With a pinch of your cheek Alastor gently shook your head side to side. “How adorable you are, someone getting the upper hand? On me? Ahah! Now i see why you and Husker get along so well! Silly little house pets, assuming such silly things.” You gently pushed his hand away a little upset by the quick switch in demeanour, not that he’s not been like this before, he was known for this. “Well, whatever, i meant well. Anyyhoo, does that mean we’re cool now?”

Al cocked his head to the side, repeating ‘cool’ to himself as if he didn’t know the word before shaking his head, and confirming that you two were indeed ‘cool now’. “Perhaps we should hunt together more often my dear, after all i’ve never had someone bend over and swear secrecy in return for nothing. You must be dying for a little bit of private time with me.” Gaping at him you watched as he turned his back and started a walking away. Snapping his fingers, the deer disappeared from your feet and reappeared on a table, big enough for two.

“Yeah right, I’d never that’s, uh, barf y’know.” You muttered collecting yourself, still a little ashamed he had seen right through you. “Come, dig in! After all this was your catch my little pet, it’d be so unkind to leave you without. Dogs do enjoy that, correct? Rewards.” Now sat across from him, your mouth fell in a flat line, ears drawn down. “Yeah, sure, just as much as deers like to be eaten huh? Why don’t you hop up on the table deer, doggy wants their reward.” You shot back, possibly a bit flirtatiously as you’d truly prefer him being your treat, your reward.

A record scratch sounded out from him, effectively causing a silence to wash over the two of you. You coughed, and a meek smile graced your face as you eyed the meat in front of you, then back to his eyes. Alastor seemed to be in quiet contemplation as he looked at you, his smile once open, now closed but his eyes relaxed signalling that he wasn’t going to launch himself over the table and maim you for what you said.

You both sat watching each other seeing as he made no movement or noise. The silence made your worried mind wander, while other parts of your mind foolishly wondered if what you said sparked any particular interests in him.

After all, you believed it was pretty hard to miss the double entendre there especially when you purred it out to him like a horn dog succubus. Sitting up straighter in an attempt to conceal your anxieties, you met Alastors calm gaze that never strayed from your form. It was like he could see straight into your mind and your heart kicked up with the worry of ‘could he read fucking minds.’

“So! I’ve seen you and the spider have gotten along swimmingly. Tell me, why does such a shy thing like yourself prance around with such a fellow? One that draws unruly attention wherever he goes?” Alastor finally broke the silence materializing a fork and a knife to dig into his meat. You were relieved the tension finally broke and you could move past the comment, for now. However bringing up the topic of Angel seemed quite calculated on his part.

“Angels amazing, especially when you get to know him Al. Plus, he knows what it’s like to be pushed around by men, he never puts me in the position where i’m the target of some sleazes desire.” You rant turning the dead deer towards you, not bothering to ask for cutlery as you planned to dig in- claws and teeth. “Hm, i suppose that could be true my dear, but i can’t help but be skeptical seeing how utterly opposite the two of you are.” You waved a hand lazily, ripping into the deers leg and nawshing down.

“I don’t even know what you mean by that.” Alastors eyebrows quirked at your rude gesture, that being speaking with your mouth full, but he wasn’t too surprised as he reminded himself you were just a dog. “It’s as clear as a sunny day pup! You are so unsure of yourself! Oh my, I just love watching you shrink into yourself at the sight of any demon outside the hotel. One of my favourite past times is walking around the ring with you as you shake like a chihuahua that lost its mother!” You watched mouth full as he threw his head back and laughed, again, quite theatrically.

The laugh track sounded with him as he did so, his ears perked happily, hand draped over his heart. You couldn’t be mad at what he said when he just looked so, adorably goofy. Obviously you hated being in hell and near other sinners, they were gross the majority of them wanted to harm you in some way, so you weren’t bothered at all that he could tell you were afraid of them, but you were curious as to why he decided to steer the conversation this way.

“Well Alastor, we’re all afraid of something. Oh and by the way- even though you only come to watch me cower- i still enjoy whenever we go out together.” You admit switching between inspecting your meat and looking at Alastor as he ate his. Alastor covered up the shock that he felt by taking a few silent bites. Briefly he reflected on what there was to like, after all he barely spoke to you during the outtings, he always walked fast and slightly ahead of you so you were always racing to catch up, he couldn’t find a single reason you’d enjoy being with him.

“Do you?” He finally inquired his head falling to the side, looking up to him you nodded, swallowing before speaking this time. “Yeah, truthfully it’s entertaining to me too. Watching everyone around us move away from you, whisper n gossip about you, all while you pay no mind with your head up, unbothered. Oh! And your radio too, I am not sure if you notice, but when you hum your radio just hums out with you, it’s nice especially since i’m too afriad to put in a headset. Oh and of course, you make me feel safe.”

Leaning forward slightly, Alastor placed his silverware down and placed his elbows on the table. Behind him his tail subconsciously wagged, pleased to hear that you had felt safe with him. It was an unusual emotion that sparked through his chest and he wasn’t entirely comfortable with it. It made him feel like he was loosing control to another sinner, and that was a big no no.

Alas, Alastors curiousity outweighed his distaste for the emotion soaring through him and instead decided to full speed ahead into it. Perhaps because that felt like he in some way gained control back by choosing to breathe into it rather than run. “I’m pleased to hear that my dear,” Alastor started slowly, dragging out his words buying him time for what to say next. “Had I known before i could’ve arranged something. You do know i have quite the little posse of shadows on my side, correct?”

Alastors eyes were lidded watching you lean back in your seat ever so slightly, shadows beginning to wisp around the floor by your feet. “I didn’t think you’d do that for me Al.” Resting his head on his hand, he ‘tsked’ at you. “And why is that my dear.” The expression on your face read pretty clearly as ‘are you kidding me’ but Alastor wanted to hear you speak. “To me it was pretty obvious, up until this point I had asssumed you hated me!”

The frustrated exclamation really didn’t bother him, instead he kissed his teeth, rolled his eyes and shook his finger like a scolding mother. “Silly pup, you know what they say about assuming, it makes an ass out of you and me.” Rolling your eyes right back you cracked a smile at him. It seemed to you he was trying to banter along with you, which was progress, and made your stomach flip. “Oh shush Alastor, you absolutely loathed my presence up until you could find a use for me.”

Alastor hummed flatly, checking out his claws. “Not true.” Snapping his fingers the deer left untouched disappeared leaving the table barren. Alastor stood and undid his coat walking away leaving you hanging. Shocked by his sudden reaction, you stood the table vanishing behinfd you. “What do you mean Al?” He hung up his jacket, now left only in his vest you standing behind in patiently. Once hung up Alastor turned to you and smiled mischievously down at you. Before you could question him, he grabbed your face under your chin and grasping your cheeks.

“Oh my silly little dog, you think your form was the only thing pushing me away. No,” Gawking up at him as he invaded your space for the first time in your months of being here, he stood inches away from you forcing your head up to look into his eyes. “I admit, i’ve been dealing with more unpleasant emotions than fear. You’re quite divine, you know.”

You felt like you were melting and your heart raced in your chest and the radio demon looked down at you with a softness you’d never seen in his eyes before. His hand released your cheeks and instead he started gently caressing you, loving the way you shivered just at his touch. “You’re hard to put up with, my dear. Allow me to confess you’ve been the the most difficult sinner to rid from my mind. Silly as that may be. I have ridiculous thoughts about what you may think of me, how i look, my golly i even ponder whether you desire my presence when i push you away. I also wonder what other undeserving sinners have your attention, have their paws on you.”

As he spoke he inched closer to your face, his hand cupping your cheek while the other ghosted up your arm, barely making contact with your flesh. You felt weak at the knees as he hovered above you with suck a coy smile, his red eyes looking straight into your own. “Al..” You trailed off almost warningly, but all he did was hum lazily bringing his face even closer to yours.

You could smell his fragrance one you couldn’t fully pinpoint as one thing. Definitely a cologne of sorts, mixed with blood, deer guts, and the faintest scent of pine. “Tell me sweetheart,” Alastor started dragging his hand from your cheek to gently grabbing your neck, making you swallow. “Do you hold the same interest in me as i do you?”

He almost sounded as if he was mocking you when he asked, but you were too lost in a haze from this fucked up foreplay he had going on to notice. Instead you nodded just barely moving your head but you knew he’d see it. “Of course you do, good little pup. I noticed.” Alastor hissed out darkly before pulling you by your neck flush against his body.

You squeaked but it was hushed by Alastors lips connecting with your own. You hands flew up to his chest grabbing on for dear life. In fairness the kiss was pretty soft, but you were so shocked your body reacted a bit harshly. He kept his smile against your lips, you matching his pace unashamed at how quick you kissed him back. His right hand kept on your throat controlling how close you were to him while his other hand danced up to your head to push your lips closer to his.

Pulling away abruptly Alastor shot up straight suddenly holding you at a distance by both shoulders. Your body ragdolled to his command barely catching your footing as you were in a lovey dovey haze. “Perhaps that is enough for today! Don’t want to get carried away now! You deserve proper treatment from a gentlemen!” Broadcaster voice back in play, you winced as he tonned down his volume for quite awhile up until this point.

However your annoyance didn’t last seeing as Alastor actually wanted to go out with you, so instead you smiled up at him. “How kind of you Al, maybe we can have more deer?” Dusting yourself of invisible dirt, Alastors hands retreated behind his back. “Of course my deer sounds like a gas! But for tonight perhaps we should relax. I have to get to a meeting within the next few hours, but i thoroughly enjoyed our time today!”

Smiling at him as he lead you to his door this time his hand pressed gently against the small of your back. “I really enjoyed it too Al, especially the part when you kissed me that was my fave.” You teased watching as he looked away his ears tilting to the sides ever so slightly.

“Yes, well, i did as well. Now then! Carry on i must get appropriate, ta-ta!” He exclaimed pushing you out of his room and shutting the door behind you, and while you giddily ran off hyped to tell Angel about everything, Alastor collapsed against the door smile strained heart pounding in his chest, incredibly uncomfortable with how to deal with these emotions, but please at the same time with experiencing something he’d not felt before.

#alastor x reader #alastor #hazbin hotel imagine #hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel x reader #hazbin hotel alastor #alastor hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel alastor x reader #alastor hazbin x reader #hazbin alastor #alastor the radio demon #radio demon

586 notes · View notes

seat-safety-switch · 1 month

Text

Bad news, folks: the local coffee roastery has gone tits up. They moved entirely online, because "running an entire store" is ludicrously expensive unless you're selling a luxury good like memory-foam mattresses or horse clothes. All this means that I can't get my nice, cheap, local coffee anymore, because the internet is terrifying, and I refuse to pay shipping for religious reasons.

Some people are huge snobs about coffee, but not me. I'll drink whatever crankcase shit has been hanging out since 1986 in the three-gallon dispenser at the back of an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. Gets the humours moving just as well as any of your expensive bags of exotic foreign coffee that came out of a cat's butthole.

My money is better spent elsewhere, which is why the proprietor, Mr. Perque, would give me his special Cheap-Ass Blend, made entirely of the floor sweepings and burned garbage that he couldn't otherwise sell for human consumption. I had to sign a waiver.

Why did he sell it to me, then? He appreciated my candour about the state of the coffee industry, most likely. We also had done some work together, like the weekend when I got zooted up on what he called "Extreme Alertness" blend and put a junkyard-pulled Eaton M90 supercharger on the back of his grinder in about two hours. I still remember not being able to sleep for a few days after, during which I slap-dashed together about two dozen more abominations to mechanical engineering and/or the fantasy of a benevolent creator.

All this is to say that, Mr. Perque, I'll take a couple bags of the Cheap-Ass Blend if you will just let me know where you are hiding right now. I know you're afraid after what happened last time, but I've changed. I'll put some water in the coffee from now on.

245 notes · View notes

followthebluebell · 3 months

Note

what were q's issues? i tried to search your blog but tumblr is tumblr

Oh, that's because I never really went public with the extent of his problems. I didn't want to deal with the potential 'just euth him' comments, especially since I genuinely don't think a compassionate euthanasia would have been wrong.

Anyway, his butthole didn't work.

That's the short version.

I'm gonna put a more full history under the cut because it's really gross. Like fair warning. There's a lot of discussion of this cat's butthole, poop, and health issues. If you just want to keep imagining him as a cute little fluffball, maybe go look at his pictures instead.

Specifically, his anal sphincter didn't seem to function. His anus was just open and loose. Whatever was wrong with him ALSO seemed to affect his scrotum. Cats tend to hold their testicles pretty high and tight but his were super loose. I'm genuinely not sure if there's an actual connection there, but it was weird enough that it made its way into my notes about him.

He also had loose stools so he was just kinda constantly dribbling all over himself, whoever was holding him, his bedding, the floor--- you get the idea. He required frequent baths: he'd get a bath at the start of my shift and at the end, at the very least. Most nights had an evening bath as well. That way, he could at least stay somewhat free of excrement. This was terrible for his skin, of course; that's an excessive number of baths. It was just one of those damned if you do, damned if you don't situations. Considering the alternative was letting him sit in his own waste, we decided that baths were better.

He also wasn't gaining any weight. He wasn't taking in ANY nutrition from his food at all. Whatever went into him seemed to come right back out within a few hours. He was being tube fed for two weeks; he didn't seem capable of eating without grinding his teeth terribly. I genuinely wasn't sure how much sensation he even HAD in his anus until I caught him on camera squatting in a box.

That gave me hope more than anything else did. It at least told me he had nerve endings back there. It was just the sphincter or maybe the last inch or so of his intestine that seemed defective. Since he was such a sweet kitten otherwise, we decided to give him a chance to grow. The plan was to get him to UC Davis or a similar teaching hospital in the hope that they could extend his good intestine and sort of construct an artificial sphincter.

And then he just got over it. I picked him up to give him his morning bath and his butthole was just SLIGHTLY puckered. Over the next few days, I took a series of the grossest pictures in my fucking life and confirmed that his sphincter was sphincting. He started eating voraciously on his own. He started growing. He also stopped tooth grinding-- again, I don't know if this is significant, but it's another thing that made it into my notes.

I have no idea what happened, but I'm glad he's healthy. He just needed time to grow into his butthole or something.

#Q #cat #persian

137 notes · View notes

thisisnotthenerd · 6 months

Text

and the other half of round two, the sidequests!

feel free to give reasoning/propaganda as you like!

the intrepid heroes poll

quick episode descriptions:

volcano of violence: all of the lotr parallels in one place. leiland being a cringefail after casting circle of death. markus negotiating with an eagle. the combination of grasping web and reverse gravity. balloon elf. sokhbarr raising the lava mog. the concept of galfast hamhead. efink facing her father and husband and beign conflicted

the great chase: caravan chase, mad max style on the teenager's bed. ti wants to blow up the boy. car-go and bean are remarkably effective. boomer is a boarding party. jizz balloons. lots of toy vehicles. car-go transforms with felix inside.

the horizon beyond the squall: marcid attacking a chimney. you wrote a whole song just to be mean to me. cheese, prince bitch. no kings for this captain. nat 20 medicine check to revive myrtle. destroy undead. beating a motherfucker with another motherfucker. bob's inflict wounds. ending with cheese getting a ship and the buccaneer buddies sailing off.

unfinished business: splitting up to resolve the mystery. buckster's legendary nat 20 persuasion to give advantage on stealth. daisy and the vicar sneaking in. sylvester failing at climbing the tower. lars killing the constable and pretending to be a ghost for lucretia. gangie and the vicar undulating. daisy and sylvester simultaneously arriving. shitting out of a window to "provide a cushion". daisy getting her story with sylvester's help. gangie falling into mrs. molesly's room. sylvester almost dying but getting a nat 20 death save with buckster's help. a wedding and bacchanal.

we're the heroes: one of these things is not like the others. collecting the bag of socks. jammer crying about weights. sam and philtrum. dates at the questing beast. the tournament. dream's cinderella moment. where did those mice get lithium. you don't get wet fire. i disavow you. what do you want me to tell your family. he had enough. blast him to the underworld. you can gps a phone. my girl just glinda'd your ass! that's some american magic, bitch! evan and dream lock up tallulah's wand in an orb.

i fucking love you: no one is surprised. incendiary cloud. OSTENTATIA'S DIVINE INTERVENTION ON A 19. god wants a bag from ostentatia. antiope will not submit. penny texts i'm in. nta 20 counterspell on finger of death. nonna wallace approves. katja trips a snake. i didn't even know you could trip a snake. antiope's incredible action surge turn that ends with showing her ass. sam is power word killed. that's my sister. danielle channels anima. revivify. bringing talura through the doorway in death. ending with graduation and 'take us to the book!'.

waylaid by werewolves: the werewolves are girls. zarb mini with six buttholes. chewing gum mist. fifi. shooting through the flamethrower. losing dracula. drago was the star. fifi becomes a werewolf. reading a letter in the middle of battle. florina under the carriage. enraged frenzy. i've heard of a cat scan. i make the horse fly. something seems very familiar about her. the dog is my wife! izzy holds with disappointment. a monster has been eating my letters to you.

duel on the southern lawn: rumor phase. rue writes the letter and commands wuvvy to burn it. i drank tea and went to bed. letter to wrackingspelt. rue's assistant. hob getting clocked by rue. wuvvy demanding satisfaction. andhera demanding satisfaction. wet wrestling. this is the biggest stretch of a fuckin' lifetime. nat 20 to be a slippy boy. hoisting andhera up by his taut cotton pants. accepting the hand of friendship.

yonder where the fruit do be lyin': quichei. deli's perception roll. raphaniel as a youth pastor. giant radish head. colin is covered in blue. extremely realistic fake orange. rick perry, you dog. silence. queen's losing it. raphaniel gets the orange down. banana boat guy. come on provolone! deli attacks queen pamela rocks. subtle spell shatter in the carriage. brennan kills pamela rocks again. you died for nothing. chasing and murdering the mushroom guy.

in the heart of death: brennan walks jujubee through an optimized turn. 49 damage immediately. troyánn slips. keekee starts falling. scorching ray. the devil works hard, but d20 works harder. buddy bear shoves zaria into the pit. lightning javelin in the titty. fireball. princess does like 70 damage and pushed kerwyn into the abyss. troyánn goes down. princess gets keena. nat 20 counterspell. twyla crits on morgan to end the battle.

case closed: the party converges on oblongata station once more. they're facing down the don and madam loathing, who can turn them against each other. imelda and dan flash the gangsters to wildly differing results. ivana rolls a 59 on hunch and he still comes back. elias punches his boss. dan goes down. the fix eats the key. conrad rolls a 57 [the number of heinz varieties] to bring down madam loathing. elias steals a birthday cake and runs out into the street, gets a date and reconciles his childhood trauma as he goes into witness protection.

evolution & revolution: warning the populace. pitching scam calls. driving the truck. phoebe is jaegering dr. wenabocker in a very gross maxi. the ground collapses. revenants are charmed. viola is very efficient. thorn calls lightning. tula attacks her son for 67 damage. ava attacks the groun for 109 damage and a long rest. jaysohn gets phoebe. lila fireballs. viola crits twice and kills one guy with paladin/fighter shenanigans and then kills the rest by kicking the trigger of a gun and hitting a gas tank. tula heals jaysohn, lukas, and herself a little bit. battle is over in 1.33 rounds.

#dimension 20 #battle episode of all time #escape from the bloodkeep #tiny heist #pirates of leviathan #mice & murder #misfits & magic #the seven #coffin run #a court of fey and flowers #the ravening war #dungeons and drag queens #mentopolis #burrow's end #d20 poll #dimension 20 spoilers #d20 spoilers

82 notes · View notes

ckret2 · 11 months

Text

Time for chapter 7 of "Human Bill Attempts To Murder The Pines And Ends Up Their Prisoner/Involuntary House Guest," which will eventually get a title, I'm sure. Featuring: an explanatory flashback!!! And also—angst.

Chapters one, two, three, four, five, six.

Bill liked collecting prophecies about himself. Interdimensional historical records only lightly alluded to his presence, but that didn't matter. History was written by the winners about the losers. Prophecies were written by the losers about the winner.

He liked being so important—dangerous enough that people felt the need to write fairy tales about how to kill him.

And he liked the warnings about what threats to look out for.

The Axolotl's "redemption" wasn't a prophecy so much as an offer—although Bill had learned of it in the form of a prophecy, passed from Axolotl to prophet and from believer to believer until the divine gossip grapevine finally reached him. The stupid salamander never even had the guts to extend the offer to Bill personally. And as such, he knew little about the details—like whether it was a limited-time offer that had expired a million years back, or whether Bill could only accept the Axolotl's conditions voluntarily rather than under duress... or even whether it was true.

Imprisoned in Stanley Pines's burning mind, stripped of every trick and spell he knew, reduced to a delicate two-dimensional shape on a collision path with a three-dimensional fist, he had called out to the Axolotl and desperately prayed it was true.

####

So the fact that he could remember all this was a good sign: he was alive, and he still had his memories.

The prophecy as he'd heard it said something about getting a full pardon by taking another shape in another time—he'd worried that might mean reincarnation, with no recollection of his former life. But no. He was still Bill Cipher. He could pick up where he left off.

Just as soon as he oriented himself.

It took a moment to figure out how to peel open his eyeballs. Two of them, he was pretty sure. He'd expected to be a square or something. Maybe isosceles. But—he rolled his eyes experimentally—he was some three-dimensional animal? His brain registered the sky above as a hazy something-blueish, but that didn't mean much until he knew what kind of color vision this species had. The sun made a long streak across the sky and burned to look at.

He was sure he'd worn one of these creatures before. On a hunch, he ran his tongue along the inside of his teeth—definitely human. His rib cage twitched as he laughed—a bitter hiss, the first time he'd used this body's voice. The Ax had a sick sense of humor, sticking Bill with the species that killed him. Well, fine. He knew more about humanity than humans themselves did, and he'd worn countless human bodies before. This was one of the easiest starts he could ask for.

Now that he knew what he was, the muscle memory came more easily. He sat up on the warm concrete ground to inspect his new prison. Four limbs with five mini-limbs each, no interesting mutations or deformities that he could see, yawn. And human skin came in such painfully boring neutral tones; he'd have to redecorate. He flexed his finger joints experimentally, imagining his hand encased in gold rings and bangles. He could live with that until he figured out how to recreate his real body. The skin was reasonably elastic, neck felt too narrow (he hated how goofy human necks looked), an impressive 20 for 20 arched fingerprints and toeprints (quirky, but Bill suspected the Ax wanted to ensure he'd stand out if he ever got his fingerprints in a police database), head line like a river, absolutely hideous heart line, so-so melanoma resistance, healthy-looking cellulite pattern...

While in the middle of trying to contort himself like a cat licking its butthole, from the corner of one of his eyeballs, he spied a mass of golden yellow filaments dangling from the top of his head. Several internal organs automatically convulsed and spasmed at the sight; white lights and awful gory memories and the room he'd died in flashed by his mind's eye; he felt the flesh on the inside of his throat struggle to thrash around, and had to seal a hand over his mouth to keep from regurgitating whatever was inside him. He closed his eyes to hide the awful filaments dangling down from his scalp but now he couldn't stop feeling them brush against his cheeks and shoulders. For a long moment he was paralyzed in place, heavy breaths whistling through his ridiculous little nose tubes, mentally battling his own body's attempt to revolt against him in his moment of weakness.

This inspection was just a distraction. He couldn't ignore that he was stuck in a carcass made of meat, and even as his pulse pounded in his ears he was marching toward decay. He hated this body. He hated it.

Somebody was going to pay.

####

Bill saw the time police coming around the corner of a crumbling building several minutes before they would arrive. Of all the rotten luck— He contemplated running, considered how far he'd get in a fresh, uncalloused, nude body before a shard of glass ripped his bare feet open, and instead hurried to hide behind a pile of rubble.

As the officers drew closer to the moment Bill saw they would turn the corner, he heard one say: "Would you put that stupid thing away and focus? We're suppose to be on the lookout for Cipher."

Bill's heart leaped into his throat. (He was pretty sure it wasn't actually his heart, but it sure felt like that. Huh. That's one baffling English idiom explained.) They'd found him already? How? Had the Axolotl snitched on him to Time Baby? Was this "second chance" just a petty trick to get him locked up? Maybe it wasn't too late to run—

"But this is stupid," another voice grumbled. "Cipher won't show up here. This is worse than hover car crosswalk duty—"

"Listen," the first officer snapped. "Today is exactly one thousand years since Cipher's death and this is the exact place it happened. Time Intelligence is sure that if he finds a way to return, it'll be on some dramatic anniversary. Need I remind you we've got officers swarming Roadkill County for six months in both directions from his death—"

"I know, I know—"

"—and patrolling on every anniversary for the first century, every centennial anniversary for the first millennium, every millennial anniversary for the first—"

"I know, I know—"

"And if he's going to make a move, there's a high risk that the first millennial anniversary—"

"But the world is ending in less than four months! Why would he come here?"

"I don't know, maybe he wants to watch Time Baby's molecules reconstitute! Our only job is to find Cipher if he is here—Would you put that away!"

The world was ending. That made this 3012. The Ax probably thought he was cute, dropping Bill exactly a thousand years after his death.

Even better: Time Baby and his goons didn't actually know Bill was here. He could still take them by surprise.

Best of all: what exactly had the Ax promised? Something something another time, another form—Bill never recalled hearing anything about another place. He was still in Gravity Falls.

And that gave him an idea.

Bill peeked over the rubble. The officers were so close to the moment they would turn the corner that Bill could see the irritation on one's face and the handheld game console in the other's hands; and he was also beginning to see the fuzzy shape of his own future self approaching them as a plan formed in his head. He ducked again. Only one shot at this. Would a human think he looked harmless and vulnerable? Those uniformed slabs of muscle were two feet taller than him, and he was naked. Check and check.

He waited until they turned the corner, then stepped out from behind the rubble pile, waving. "Oh, thank goodness, the police!" Probably the first and last time he was ever saying that. "I'm lost, confused, and can't seem to find my clothes. Can you he—" He tripped on a concrete chunk, yelped, and had to grab the officers for balance. "... help." Okay. That was good. Extra harmless-looking. He meant to do that. But he made a mental note to spend a few minutes on walking practice once he got away.

Grumpy Officer was looking toward the sky. "Oh." Gamer Officer was hiding his face behind his game console. "Oh dear." Grumpy Officer cleared his throat and said, "Of—of course. We're happy to help, Miss...?"

Heck. Think of a human name fast. "Tomato."

Gamer Officer said, "This entire decade is supposed to be evacuated, Ms. Tomato. Where and when did you come from?"

"I'm not sure, it's all such a blur! One minute it's August in 2912², the next it's... whatever this is!"

"I have family in 2912². Beautiful year," Gamer Officer said helpfully. Bill decided not to point out that, given how linear time works, he had family in every year.

Grumpy Officer said, "We'll get you to your contemporary authorities, ma'am. They'll help you get home." Still trying not to look directly at Bill, he detached his time tape from his belt, drew it out, and hesitated. He turned to Gamer Officer. "Hold on. Weren't Augusts abolished in squared years?" (Darn. Bill never could remember if it was Augusts or Julys.)

Both officers were desperately avoiding looking directly at Bill, one had his hands full with the game console, the other had his time tape extended inches in front of Bill—now. Bill flung his whole weight on Grumpy Officer's arm to wrench the tape away from him, pulled out a random length, and snapped out of 3012 before the officers could registered what happened.

####

The first jump was just to escape. The second jump took him to a ruined battlefield in the middle of the Time Baby War—Bill knew his human history—where Bill could dump this cheap police time tape riddled with temporal tracking technology and scavenge a military tape off a fallen soldier.

By the time he found a tape in good condition, his abdomen, eyes, and head had developed an assortment of overlapping aches. Nothing he couldn't ignore. But it was worth the effort: the military tape was less prone to overheating, more lax on permitting temporal doubles and time loops, and built with standard-issue paradox-cloaking stealth tech. Even if the time cops followed him this far they'd never know where he went next.

He was continuing where he'd left off.

He wanted to return to the moment he died and murder the Pines on the spot—or, better yet, warn himself ten minutes before it happened. But even the best time tape would struggle to target a temporal paradox as complicated as Weirdmageddon; and besides, Bill was self-aware enough to know if he tried to warn himself, he was at risk of being zapped before he convinced himself of his identity, and then he was really doomed. So he'd just have to focus on revenge.

He'd murder the Pines and anyone else in their stupid shack. He'd dig up the buried treasure Pine Tree and Shooting Star had buried in the woods and liquidate some of the gold. He'd fast-forward until the murder investigation was over and the shack was back on the market, buy it himself, repair the portal to the Nightmare Realm, and restart Weirdmageddon in his dead enemies' own home.

He could figure out how to get back in his real body and pop the stupid weirdness bubble around the town as he went. Minor details. For now, all he cared about was killing the two-faced twins who'd dared try to stop him.

And he couldn't wait to see the look in Stanford's eyes.

The cops said Time Baby had them patrolling Gravity Falls for six months after Bill's death. He set his time tape for February 25, 2013. He appeared in a suburban backyard, snatched a bedsheet drying on a clothesline and a couple safety pins from a nearby laundry basket, made himself a chiton tunic, and headed for the Mystery Shack.

####

In retrospect, he probably should have planned the murders a little more thoroughly.

####

June 2, 2013

Bill was put back in the cellar until the humans could Bill-proof the house—cutlery moved out of the kitchen, phones relocated where he couldn't reach them, dangerous chemicals locked away, etc. His cuffs and restraints were removed, he was handed a few granola bars and water bottles and awkwardly gifted a bucket that he received with an expression that suggested he wasn't quite sure what the humans expected him to use it for, and he was locked in.

And at last, everyone could get some sleep.

It was past five in the morning when Dipper and Mabel collapsed back in their beds. With time travel thrown in, they had been up for thirty hours with only an hour or two of napping. And yet, for all their exhaustion, when the first hint of morning grayness lightened the sky outside, both of them were still awake, staring at dust notes and the old wooden ceiling planks.

Mabel sighed heavily.

Dipper said, "You too?"

"Yeah. I guess it's the chocolate shake and pancakes. What's your excuse?"

"Bill ordered coffee for the table, and nobody told me I couldn't have it, so..."

Mabel laughed. "Evil chaos demon got you! You fell for his trap!"

"Oh nooo."

Neither of them needed to admit that it wasn't the caffeine keeping them awake.

"Hold on." Mabel got out of bed, scooted around Waddles—he took up more of the floor than he had last year—and trudged to her suitcase. She tossed half her clothes on the floor, and pulled out—

Dipper laughed weakly. "You brought those?"

"I thought we might need them. You know—being back here, reminded of everything."

Almost as soon as they'd gotten home last summer, Mabel had started knitting throw blankets depicting the anti-Bill zodiac that Ford had drawn. She gave the first to Dipper as his bar mitzvah gift. She kept the second herself. She mailed the other eight to the other members of the zodiac. (The therapist their parents made them see said self-expression through art was a great way to cope with difficult experiences.)

Ford had told them the zodiac drawing merely represented a list of people, like a chart with table seating arrangements. They knew the symbol itself didn't do anything. It held no magic, it couldn't protect them. Nevertheless, sleeping under his blanket had done more for Dipper's Bipper nightmares than any dream catcher ever could. Mabel thought wrapping up in it felt like a hug from their friends in Gravity Falls.

She handed Dipper a red blanket with the zodiac embroidered in dark green yarn, and pulled out her own rainbow blanket with black embroidery. Mabel wrapped hers around her head and shoulders like a huge hooded shawl and slid back in bed, her mind and dreams now properly shielded. Dipper stared at the face in the middle of the zodiac for a long moment, before he turned the blanket over so Bill's ever-watching eye could only see the dark surface of Dipper's bedsheet.

And then, at long last, they were safe enough to fall asleep.

####

Once the day's tourists were gone, Ford cracked open the cellar door, flung a wad of fabric down the stairs, and shut the door again. "All right," Stan shouted. "Solitary confinement's over. Put on some normal clothes and knock when you're done."

"It's about time!" Creaks and thuds drifted through the door as Bill climbed the stairs. "How long does it take to move a few knives to another room? I was starting to think you planned to leave me down here."

"We needed sleep! We were up all night!"

"How is that my problem? I never told you to sit up all night staring at me—"

After a few more minutes of back-and-forth grousing, Bill knocked on the cellar door to be unleashed. The shack household had scrounged together an XL yellow-beige pine tree t-shirt (surplus from the gift shop), a set of Soos's winter sweatpants (which Bill found too long and set aside), an elastic-waisted plain green skirt in case the sweats didn't fit (some old thing Abuelita never wore), a pair of old swim trunks (to compensate for the fact that nobody had the energy or motivation to go buy their prisoner underwear today), and mismatched flip-flops (from the Mystery Shack's lost-and-found).

The shack household had not scrounged together a broom to give to Bill, and yet when they opened the door, he was holding one, bristles pointed up, like a poorly-dressed witch waiting to go on an evening flight. The potential weapon was promptly confiscated, and Stan, Ford, and Soos escorted Bill around to the back of the shack. He stared out toward the woods as the door was opened for him, but it was impossible to tell whether he was looking for something specific or just getting one last glimpse of the sky before he was incarcerated indefinitely.

The moment Bill stepped inside, Abuelita was in front of him, shoving a hot plate of chicken and enchiladas in his chest. "Welcome. You are staying with us for a while, yes?"

Bill tried to take a step back, bumped into Soos, and automatically took the plate in both hands. He blinked at Abuelita, eyebrows raised in polite bafflement. "Yes?"

"Yes. Soos told me. You missed dinner." There was loose plastic wrap still half-covering the plate, which had been labeled in black marker: para Bill Cifra - NO TOCAR! "I saved you a plate."

"Oh yeah," Soos said, "Abuelita put that in the fridge for you before we ate last night. She's big on hospitality."

"Well!" Bill beamed. "At least somebody around here has some manners. Does this come with silverware, or—?"

"Here." Abuelita offered him a plastic orange baby spoon. "Soos says you do not get the good silverware. So you cannot kill people."

"Between you and me, I'd be more likely to stick a fork in the microwave than try to kill someone with it—but hey, I'mnot the warden." He tossed the plastic wrap on the floor and attempted to saw off a chunk of enchilada with the soft edge of the spoon.

"All right, show me what you've done with this place since I last saw it!" He wove past the humans to duck into the kitchen. "I see you finally got rid of that second stove! Really frees up the space in here, doesn't it! Too bad you kept the gas one. I didn't wanna say anything about this last year, but fix that slow gas leak, would you? If you want to get haunted by carbon monoxide demons, that's your business, but I owe a tokoloshe money."

Stan blinked. "The slow what?"

Ignoring them, Bill went on, "You're gonna have to do something about all this." He waved his baby spoon at the fridge and cabinet doors. "You don't want me to come ask for help every single time I need to eat."

"Actually, that might be preferable," Ford said. "It would ensure you can't tamper with our food when we aren't looking."

"You'll get sick of it," Bill said confidently.

He finally freed up a spoonful of enchilada, stuffed it in his mouth, and tore off a chunk of chicken with his teeth—and then stopped, staring down at the plate in amazement. With his mouth still full, Bill said, "Oh wow, this is delicious! You know, I haven't had a home cooked meal in centuries! And that nutty aftertaste? Mm! You're a daring chef, lady. I love it."

He spat his mouthful back onto the plate. "But unfortunately, I think I'm allergic to one of your ingredients!" He held the plate out to Abuelita, grinning widely. "Would you mind giving me a portion with less cyanide?"

Everyone stared at Abuelita.

She shrugged placidly. "It was worth a try." She took back the plate.

Bill licked the last of the poisoned food off his teeth and spat it on the kitchen floor. "Mil gracias, señorita Silloncito."

She gave the floor a displeased look as she passed to wash off the dish in the sink, but merely said, "Un placer."

Dubiously, Ford murmured, "Silloncito isn't Mrs. Ramirez's first name, is it?"

"Nope." Stan grinned. "While you were busy studying the Odyssey, I was in South America learning Spanish—you know, a language people actually speak."

"What does 'silloncito' mean?"

"I dunno."

Soos had been gaping at his grandmother since Bill said the word "cyanide." He finally managed to work his jaw enough to say, "Abuelita, what...?"

"Do not worry about it, mijo," Abuelita said sweetly, pulling out a mop.

"Did you just try to...?"

"We can talk later." Abuelita gestured to the door, where Bill was meandering out of the kitchen. "I clean now. You go with the others."

As Bill left, he called back, "Next time, I'm making my own plate! Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice..." He swept past the humans into the living room. "Hey, you finally got enough seating in here! This place is really starting to shed that 'lonely old bachelor' stench—ey, Stanley?"

"Watch it."

Where Stan's old recliner once sat, Abuelita had put her sofa with the pastel yellow floral print. Her blue armchair and Stan's recliner were lined up at a right angle to the sofa to form a seating area around the TV, which had been turned to face all the seats. Atop the decorative T-Rex skull sat a small vase with a few fresh flowers.

Soos dragged his distracted gaze away from the kitchen to point at the floral sofa. "You, uh... you can sleep on the sofa bed. It folds out. We're kind of out of other rooms. I'm in the master bedroom, Abuelita's in the study cuz she gets her own bathroom there, we made the parlor a guest room for the Pineses, the kids are in the attic... and that's pretty much all the bedrooms we've got, dude." Soos shrugged. "Me and Melody, we were talking about walling off the empty attic area to make a sick gaming room? I guess maybe we should think about making it another guest room—"

"Which Bill wouldn't be able to use," Ford said, "if it has a door. Besides, I doubt Bill will be here long enough for you to finish any large construction projects."

Airily, Bill said, "Think you'll figure out how to get rid of me that fast?" He didn't even look at Ford; he was busy taking off the sofa's cushions to inspect the foldout bed underneath. "Last time you tried it took you thirty years, and you're 0 for 4 murder attempts so far." Bill tried—unsuccessfully—to lift the folding bed out of the sofa.

Voice icy, Ford went on without acknowledging Bill. "And at any rate, I'd rather have him out in the open where we can all keep an eye on him."

Soos glanced back and forth between Ford and Bill as they shot verbal barbs at each other, his fingertips pressed together. "Oookay! So. Sofa bed it is. I like sofa beds! It feels kind of like camping, but without going outside."

"Bet I'm not allowed to start a campfire in the living room." Bill gave up on the sofa bed and looked around the room—and his face lit up like a child who'd just received a pirate ship-shaped birthday cake. "Hey! Is that me?" In his rush to cross the living room, he tripped over Abuelita's blue armchair, flopped flat on the floor, and got back up like nothing happened.

Where Ford had once hung his father's banner from the Royal Order of the Holy Mackerel, Soos had put up a new decoration: a knit tapestry depicting Bill Cipher, framed in apocalyptic lightning and hovering over a sea of fire...

... and encircled by the zodiac prophesied to defeat him.

Bill's smile dimmed. "Ah."

"Oh, hey! That's the blanket Mabel made me." Soos stood next to Bill, admiring the zodiac blanket. "Yeah, she made us all blankets to commemorate our epic battle and everything? She called us up to ask how we wanted them customized and stuff. I suggested the flames and the lightning bolts! Thought they'd look rad. Heh. It's—it's pretty cool, right?"

Bill's gaze slowly traced the confining ring of symbols; and then met the gaze of his own, true, proper face. And he turned away to face Soos and forced his smile wider. "Question Mark, I like your sense of decor."

"Ha—wait, seriously?"

"Heck, if I'd commissioned a portrait myself, I'd have requested the same! Remind me to show you a tapestry the Northwests have been keeping of me, I think you'd appreciate it!"

"Oh." Soos rubbed the back of his neck. "Huh. You know, I didn't think you'd think cool things are cool. Kinda."

"You kidding?! Fire and lightning! I love it! Like a party with natural pyrotechnics! It's nature's way of trying to unleash a bit of anarchy on this bleak little world!"

"Uh..." Soos quickly glanced toward the Pines in a silent plea for help with this conversation, then looked back at Bill. "Yeah, totally dude! It's like... got that boom factor, you know?"

"Boom factor! Ha! You're all right, Questiony." Bill turned his back on the zodiac. "So, what have you done with the rest of this dump!"

Soos stood rooted to the spot until Bill left the room.

He looked at Stan and Ford. "Do you think Bill, like... knows my name?"

Ford shrugged and made a so-so gesture.

Soos nodded. "Okay." He pulled out a chair at the living room table. "You guys wanna go ahead without me? I think I'm gonna... sit here. And process the fact that Abuelita is an attempted murderer."

####

On Bill's first proper night in the Mystery Shack, he woke in the middle of the night, gasping for air so loudly it sounded like a reverse scream.

Waking didn't improve things.

He was back in the room where he'd died, no light but the eerie blue of invisible flames licking up the walls, his vision framed by golden filaments spilling out of his head. He rolled over and heaved on the floor—and between his stomach's convulsions he made direct eye contact with an axolotl, cold, serene, staring dispassionately at him from an illuminated fish tank—and past the axolotl, he saw an image of himself trapped flat on the wall, surrounded by a ring of his enemies, fire lapping at his heels. And it was just like dying again, he was powerless, he could see his body coming apart in his peripheral vision, he couldn't even float, pinned to the ground by gravity—

He had to claw at his skin until this human body's uncomfortable alienness overrode the memory of his gold exoskeleton shattering.

The next morning, the household found no signs of Bill in the living room except for a puddle of dried puke.

The sofa bed's mattress had been dragged halfway up the stairs to the attic, and then abandoned at the landing where the stairs turned a right angle.

They found Bill in the attic, laying on the floor atop a makeshift bed he'd assembled out of sofa cushions. He was curled up facing the wall beneath the seating alcove where, just a few months ago, there had been a window of his face.

####

#bill cipher #human bill cipher #gravity falls #gravity falls fic #gravity falls fanart #my writing #bill goldilocks cipher

142 notes · View notes

possumsinatrenchcoat · 27 days

Text

Cat butthole question time!!!

One of my cats has a butthole that is two different colors and I have never seen that before! So

Illustration of my cat’s butts under the read more. If you need reference of what I’m talking about

#nova might divorce me over this one folks #poll #tw butts #I guess??#these are in fact the things that keep me up at night

10 notes · View notes

twofrontteethstillcrooked · 8 months

Text

Black cat: 7 Oct. Suptober

Dean didn't understand cats, except this one at this exact moment.

deancas all-the-way-au meetcute schmoop (allergies what allergies)

The thing was, Dean hadn't meant to care about the cat. The cat, much like the dryer that didn't dry well and the kitchen faucet that dripped and the corner of the porch that leaked, came with the house. Sleek and black and fat as a butterball, as Dean's mom might have said, the cat was in some ways just another fixture. He stayed out of Dean's way (mostly) and Dean stayed out of his.

Sam and the cat were casual buddies, in that Sam fed the cat, gave him fresh water daily, and cleaned the cat pan. Dean spotted Sam trying to fist bump the cat once, when the two of them were plopped on the living room rug; the cat had given Sam a look of utter disdain and gone back to licking his butthole.

Dean chose not to comment.

It was the third day of Sam visiting his so-called just a friend Eileen a few towns away. Dean had thought it would be nice to be alone for a week – he sorta kinda missed the semesters Sam had lived on campus or been overseas. And the utter quiet inside the house, save the occasional reminding meow, had been soothing a few hours. For company, Dean opened some windows: the trees, with early-season leaves starting to turn crunchy, chittered; a cricket under the back deck was plaintive in its attempts to woo. Down in the woods, slithery shadows, or probably just squirrels, rushed back and forth.

The problem was that the cat also got in on the window action, going from one sill to the other to the other and back. Up down across up down across. Chirping. Trilling. Clacking his teeth at invisible specters. Flicking his tail such that it thumped a side table ominously.

Sam would've known what to do, which was likely nothing at all. Cats were weird, Dean had always held, and nothing about this particular cat disproved his assumptions.

Maybe he was lonesome, Dean thought, watching the cat paw at the window screen.

He who. That thought made Dean huddle down in his old blanket. The house was very, very quiet.

He picked up his phone and scrolled. 'Last owner', he'd named the contact. He dialed the number and held his breath.

"Deano," answered a smarmy voice. "How goes it?" After a beat of silence: "Name's Gabriel. And you called me."

Dean cleared his throat. "Yeah. Sorry. Hi."

"What's up? House haunted or something?"

"The cat seems restless." Dean groaned inwardly at his patheticness.

Gabriel snorted. "I can't believe you kept him. You struck me – no offense – as the kind of guy who'd pawn a cat off on a one night stand."

"Well, I didn't." Dean sighed. "Do you have any advice?"

"Nah. I'll send over reinforcements. You'll be home in an hour?"

"Yes, but–" Dean glared at the Call Ended screen.

The knock came in less than a half hour. Twenty minutes, tops. Dean hauled himself off the couch and padded over to the porch side door. The cat flew off the window sill and wound himself around and around Dean's ankles.

"Gabriel sent me," a deep voice called out.

Dean opened the door. The deep voice's face blinked blue eyes and smiled shyly. Dean, as if possessed, bent down, without breaking eye contact, and picked up the damn cat, who wriggled around like a bag of eels and launched himself into the other man's arms.

"Hi, Homer," Deep Voice said, scratching the cat behind the ears.

Homer purred and purred. "Homer?" Dean asked, sounding like he'd just achieved puberty.

"What have you been calling him?" Deep Voice tipped his head, as if genuinely curious.

"Nothing." Dean felt sheepish as a wool sweater. "He's just. A cat."

"Gabriel named him," Deep Voice said. "I'm not surprised he didn't bother to tell you literally anything about him, though. I'm Castiel."

Homer meowed, as if to agree; he burrowed against Castiel's shoulder and purred and drooled, overcome with affection.

Dean didn't understand cats, except this one at this exact moment.

"You didn't want to take Homer with you?" Dean asked, stepping back to allow Castiel and Homer further into the house. "When Sam and I bought the place, I mean."

"Ah, no." Castiel looked around, a slightly wistful expression crossing his features. "I never lived here. After our grandparents died, it was Gabriel's to sell." He let the cat leap from his hold onto the formal dining room table, where Homer immediately beached himself and started a vigorous grooming ritual.

Castiel gave Dean an apologetic look.

"We seldom eat there," Dean said. "No worries."

"I wasn't in town when Gabriel sold the property." Castiel exhaled slowly; it seemed like being in the house was harder than he'd expected. "You and your brother have made the place very welcoming. I imagine Homer loves it here still."

"Well, it's a work in progress," Dean said, thinking about the long list of projects he planned to tackle in the coming months, if he could ever get out of his own way. "I'm not sure Homer's very happy. He's been wearing grooves in the window sills the last few days."

"Watching bats," Castiel said confidently.

"What," Dean said.

"You've never sat outside this time of year? Bat pups are starting to fly, and everyone's preparing for colder weather. And the nearest caves aren't too far down the hill. I hope Gabriel gave you a map of the woods?"

"Maybe he gave one to Sam." Dean blew out a breath. "I think I've been in a post-moving fog or something."

Castiel nodded. "Moving house is extremely stressful. I only moved back to town a month ago. The readjustment has been… Strange." He glanced up at the kitchen cabinets with another half sad, half remembering expression. "Our grandmother used to line those with baskets. They were mostly decorative, but she always said baskets were useful, and she used them for everything: laundry, flowers, fruit. Our toys when we were younger. Mushrooms when we'd go foraging." He wrung his hands a bit. "Sorry."

"Don't be." Dean felt something in his chest lift, like some weight he hadn't known he'd been carrying had begun to roll away. He and Castiel watched the cat lick his paws and wash his face for a few minutes.

"Homer like the philosopher?" Dean asked.

"Homer like the Simpson." Castiel shook his head. "I'm not well versed in that show."

Dean had Opinions on the subject. "The first eight seasons are considered classics for a reason, Cas. If you wanna get into them, we could do a marathon." He absolutely refused to mentally acknowledge the color of his cheeks. Let Cas think he was running a fever.

"I'd like that," Cas said, as earnest as though he had no concerns about possible contamination.

Homer meowed his yes vote.

"Are you busy right now?" Dean asked, finding his own confidence.

Cas held out his arms. Homer launched himself into them again and they headed for the couch.

Dean hid a silly little smile and followed.

#suptober23 #destiel #deancas #spn #snippetfic #fic #suptober

29 notes · View notes

ceilingfan5 · 9 months

Note

may i suggest F (staying over because their basement flooded) w magnus n someone of ur choice :O? thank you -ise

"I still can't believe you were going to spend your money on a hotel!" Magnus gripes. He's been going on about it for maybe fifteen eternities, eons even, and he wouldn't even let Lucretia put the sheets on the spare bed herself. Even though he struggled with the fitted sheet for solidly five minutes.

Because she's a guest.

She did not want to be a guest, but she didn't have any choice in the matter, it seems.

"My insurance might pay for it, you don't know," Lucretia says, watching Magnus fluff up the eighth pillow in a row. She's decided to just lean in the doorway and take it in anthropology style. Ah yes, David Attenborough would say. The Magnus in his natural state: passionate, helpful confusion. Watch carefully as he makes his choices based almost entirely on impulse, and finds himself in a corner. If he wants to survive the winter, he may have to rely on a little help to get the job done. Mutualism-

"I don't know lots of things," Magnus says, like this is a good argument for his side. "But you know what I do know? Family helps family, and we aren't gonna let you rot in a hotel while rats have a pool party in your basement!"

"Yuck," Lucretia says, not budging an inch. "Thanks for willing rats into my home, Magnus, you really know how to cheer a motherfucker up."

"You're welcome!" Magnus grins at her, and pats the bed. The corners are less 'hospital' and more 'cake frosted with fingers', but it's clean, and she didn't have to pay for it, and maybe she shouldn't be a bitter butthole when Magnus is being so kind. One of the pillows slowly tips from the position it was squished into and flops onto the bed, and then the floor, and there's a long bet of silence before she snickers.

"Ah, shit," Magnus says, frowning a little. "You can probably buff that out."

"It isn't totaled," Lucretia agrees, holding in laughter so hard she's trying not to cry. This whole situation is so fucking stupid, and what is she going to lose it about? A dumb pillow on the floor. It just looks so pathetic, and it would be easy to wax poetic about identifying the pathos within herself in this trying moment, but mostly it looks so lost, like a kindergartener in a cigarette factory.

She looks at the pillow, and then looks at Magnus, and maybe Magnus is better at reading her than she thought, because his face is bright red with holding in the laughter too, and the seam bursts and they're losing it. When Julia walks in and looks at the two of them, rolling around on the floor with the stupid, pathetic pillow, she just smiles and shakes her head. She must be used to bullshit like this from Magnus, but she doesn't say a word about Lucretia losing her composure for once. And Lucretia is grateful.

"Dinner in seven minutes and forty nine seconds," Julia calls, breezing right back to her 5,000 piece puzzle of the cats in Halloween costumes dismantling the White House. Lucretia leans on Magnus, and Magnus leans on her, and it's the first time in a long time she's touched or been touched by anyone, and she's not having an emotion about it and if you would like to accuse her of such, Uno reverse, and go sit on it, maybe. But Magnus pulls her into one of his signature bear hugs, and Lucretia is stunned into silence that she's letting her friend hold her, and fuck…it's so good.

"You don't have to do it all by yourself," Magnus whispers.

"Can I hire you to repeat that until I believe it?" Lucretia closes her eyes, and tries not to let her body fully reject the concept like some kind of disease.

"I dunno," Magnus sighs. "My rates are pretty steep. But there's a friends and family discount, so maybe we could work on a payment plan?"

They laugh, and they sigh, and they get another incredibly specific dinner warning. And then they carry on, because they have to, but not alone.

#Lucretia taz #taz #tazb #the adventure zone #the adventure zone balance #fan5fics #taz balance #clearing out my inbox #these two....#magnus burnsides

42 notes · View notes

aita-blorbos · 7 months

Note

Am I the butthole (sorry I don't like swearing) for forgiving and becoming friends with a woman that was a part of an invasion on my home?

I (10, M) defeated an invasion that was turned my home into something different. After I destroyed a giant crazy machine that went rogue, my home turned back to normal.

Some time after everything was said and done, I then made up with the woman (20s, F) that was a part of the invasion. I'll call her S here.

I thanked S for giving me a robot to stop that crazy machine. I then forgave her and wanted to become her friend. S accepted my invitation in becoming friends, and we've been friends since.

But when people found out that I reconciled with S, I've been criticized for it. Some people in my home planet hate her for what she did. The two people in particular that were the most vocal about it were my friend wearing a blue bandana (12, M) and my mentor figure (33, M), and I'll call the latter M. They told me that I'm being too forgiving and that I shouldn't have became friends with S.

The thing is, M was turned into a robot during the invasion, and S was involved in that. I didn't like it when it happened, but it's over with now. He's back to normal now. He shook it off really quickly in the end. But he's still very mad at S, and although I can understand that, he thinks I made a poor decision in forgiving S. He thinks that S doesn't deserve to be forgiven by me, and some other people in my home planet agree with him. They think I should revoke the forgiveness that I gave her, but I don't want to do that!

I'm not going to try to make M stop being mad at S, but I don't agree with the criticism he gives me. I want to keep my friendship with S.

S did tell me she'd want to apologize to M, but currently hesitates to actually do so because she doesn't want to risk getting a sword to the face. I'll see if I can help her apologize to M, even I feel like he won't forgive her, but I think it'd at least be worth a try to have him know that S doesn't intend to be a threat ever again.

I can't deny that S did do bad things, but it's been done with now. She's not doing those bad things anymore! She doesn't mean harm anymore. She and I get along just fine as friends now.

And S has told me about her past, which is really sad. Her relationship with her dad has been strained for a very long time, and sadly her dad is now dead. I feel really bad for S. I even gave her a hug because I really felt like she could use a hug! I think she deserves to have friends, because she didn't have any friends for a long time.

I think S really did deserve the forgiveness that I gave her because she's been through so much. That tragic story was what even led to the invasion happening in the first place. Things are resolved now, and she's not bad anymore. I'm not going to change my mind in being S's friend despite some people telling me that I shouldn't have forgiven her. I don't want her to be even more sad by unfriending her!

But thankfully, not everyone disagrees with me. I have a few other friends that actually agree with me! The two examples I'll mention are a spider wizard (22, M) and an alien cat wizard that owns a big blue ship (25, M). They also forgive S and became her friends, too!

Apparently what S did was "too far" and that's why some people still hate her, despite her not being bad anymore. But I think it's okay now! The damage done to my planet isn't really present anymore.

S did tell me she wants to revive her dad's company, but she won't have it be in the same direction it was. She said she'll change it into a better direction that involves consensually helping people. I don't see a problem with that! She even told me that she'd give me a robot to ride around in once she gets those made again, because I missed using them. It made happy to hear that!

I suppose there's no use in changing the minds of the people that still hate her, but I don't think I'm being "too" forgiving. I think she really did deserve my forgiveness and I'm not going to revoke it.

Do you think I was perfectly fine to forgive S and become her friend, or do you agree with some of the people in my home planet in that her bad actions were "too far" and that I was being too forgiving to her as they think I shouldn't have been? AITB?

#aita #am i the asshole #unreality

22 notes · View notes

chaotic-super · 8 months

Text

Live With Me - Chapter 19

Read it on AO3 here!

Kara leans back into the pillows as she watches Lena pace across the room, passing the foot of the bed over and over again.

“I just don’t understand why they won’t let us just go back to National City,” Lena complains, her voice hushed because the last thing she wants is for the infamous Cat Grant to know how much she can whine when she wants to.

“I know, baby.” Kara commiserates. “I want to get back there too, but if they don’t think it’s safe, then there’s not much we can do about it. It’s just a matter of waiting and finding out what we can whenever someone with information comes around.”

Lena sighs, her hands tangling in her own hair and pushing it back from her face. “How do we even know we can trust the CIA? Maybe they were in on the plan and this is just their way of getting rid of us.”

Kara fights the urge to roll her eyes. “Lena, baby, I love you but you’re spiralling. Come cuddle with me so we can work through all those scary thoughts in your brain together.”

Lena resists her charm, not looking in her direction so she doesn’t get tempted. “No, we have to cover our asses. We need a phone. Maybe we can sneak out and find one somewhere. I bet if we found a grocery store and asked to use their phone, they would let us. We can call CatCo and get through to Nia.”

Huffing a little, Kara pulls herself from under the scratchy sheets and pads over to Lena, her bare feet sticking to the floor in a way that makes her want to disappear up her own butthole with how gross it is. At least it’ll give them something to do later. They’re bound to get bored. She rests her hands against Lena’s forearms and stands her way so she’s forced to stop pacing.

“Lena, we’re fine. We’re ok. Well, not ok, but we will be. The CIA are completely separate from the FBI and the government. They have different goals as organizations. You know that. They’re protecting us, and I’m sure they’ll come and explain everything to us soon enough. They only brought us here last night and it’s still early. Cat isn’t even awake yet. Everything will be fine. You just have to have a little faith.”

“Faith hasn’t really been on our side much lately though, has it?”

“It has to be at some point though.”

Lena looks up at Kara with disbelief clouding her features, but Kara sees through it. Shining in those emerald eyes is something she loves to see. Hope.

Kara presses her lips to her forehead, wincing as her split lip makes contact with her skin, but she doesn’t let that stop her from kissing her a second time on the tip of her nose, loving the way she scrunches it in faux annoyance. “You might not have faith but I do, so just trust in me and I’ll lend you some of my faith.”

“I’ll always trust you.”

A head peeks around the door and makes Lena jump. She wasn’t expecting to see anyone show up in her peripheral vision, so she can’t help how a striking red blush crawls up her neck and cheeks at the thought of Cat knowing how soft and mushy she is, even though she’s already seen it all before.

“Well, if it isn’t you two and your infuriating need to be so close together that your skin will one day fuse and make you one giant lesbian.”

Kara’s head whips around to her boss. “Good morning, Ms Grant. How did you sleep?”

“Terrible. I would like the bed for a few hours as long as I have verbal confirmation that you didn’t do anything sacrilegious in it last night.” She strolls right past them and perches on the edge of it carefully, not yet willing to move and sit on it properly, just in case.

Kara shakes her head. “Uh, no. We just cuddled.”

Cat then proceeds to climb into the bed, wincing at the scratch of the sheets both Kara and Lena had to put up with last night and nuzzles into one of the pillows. She flippantly waves her hand in the air at them, her eyes closed. “You can let yourselves out.”

“Hold on.” Lena frowns. “I know you’re tired, but we need to discuss everything.”

With a hefty sigh, Cat flops onto her back, her eyes still closed. “No, we don’t. The CIA lady with the moustache told me she’d come by this afternoon to discuss everything with us when I saw her last night. Just relax until then, watch some TV maybe. Just leave me in peace.”

“You didn’t think to tell us that?” Lena baulks.

She doesn’t get a response though because Kara grabs her by the arm softly and leads her out of the room while Cat burrows herself down into the bed and completely ignores them in favour of trying to get some decent sleep. That couch is not comfortable.

Lena finds out just how uncomfortable the couch is when she throws herself down on it frantically, wincing at how lumpy it is the second she lands. “Ok, I feel bad for trying to stop her from sleeping now; this is awful. I’m actually shocked she didn’t wake us up to kick us out of bed.”

Kara shrugs, sitting down beside her and wrapping her arm around her shoulder to pull her closer. “She wouldn’t do that. She’s a lot of things, but she’s a softie at heart. She wouldn’t hurt a fly really, not unless it either has a good story or owes her money anyway.”

Lena croaks out a chuckle and nuzzles into Kara’s neck. “I was so worried about you.”

“Likewise. I was so scared about what they had done to you after they took me to another building and tied me to a chair.”

“What actually happened to you?” Lena asks.

“I met the president, and he wanted me to hand over all of my proof against the government to him, presumably to destroy it. He was behind the awful plans they had. He signed off on it all and didn’t want the word getting out. When I refused, he wasn’t too happy with me. He had two guards, sergeants actually. One broke the pen you got me as a gift, just to be cruel, and I was pretty upset about that, but I was admittedly more upset when he hit me in the face.”

Lena’s jaw tightens. “Then what?”

“They put me in a car and took me to another building. It looked a bit like an office building. They took me into a room where I was tied to a chair, and they hit me again before leaving me there alone. That was the scariest part. All I had was my thoughts and I just kept imagining what they would do to you. I was so scared, Lena. I was scared for you and Cat.”

Lena pulls Kara closer to her. Leaning back into the arm of the couch and pulling the blonde on top of her so her head rests beneath her chin. “And then they brought Cat to you?”

Kara nods, the movement sending Lena’s chin wobbling. “Yeah, then they brought Cat in and they tied her to another chair. They didn’t hurt her though. We just sat there for a while trying to figure out how to get out, and eventually, I realized that I could break my chair and get out that way. Cat picked the locks of our handcuffs, and then we started climbing out the window. We figured that leaving through one of the rooms upstairs would be safer than leaving through the door of the room we were in, but we were still part way up the side of the building when the CIA arrived and took us out of there.”

“I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

“Me too. What happened to you?”

Lena presses several kisses to the top of Kara’s head, needing the few seconds she earns herself to devise a good way to tell Kara what she went through. “I met General Lane.”

“Does he smell as bad as he looks?”

“What?”

“He looks like the kind of guy who has terrible body odour.”

“He does but I didn’t notice, so I guess that since he was sitting on the other side of the hotel conference room from me, I couldn’t tell. That room does have good ventilation though, so the jury’s still out on that one.”

Kara snickers and her laughs rumble through her body and against Lena’s chest, making her giggle too. “He definitely smells. I just get that vibe.”

“Me too. I would have paid more attention to it, but he was too busy trying to get me to buy into his schemes. I guess that he thought that since I bought out Lord Industries and that I’m a Luthor, I would be willing to do a whole host of very illegal and immoral things with him. I went along with it to try and buy us more time and to try and get more information on all of the plans. I made a deal with him that I would look over it all if he brought you and Cat to me so I could see that you’re alright, but before he could do that, the CIA came in and took me out of there.”

“It feels kind of anticlimactic, doesn’t it?” Kara asks, tilting her head up to look into Lena’s eyes. “We’ve gone through all that shit to try and bring these people down, then the CIA swoops in and takes them down in one day. It feels like we’ve been robbed of the chance to win after everything.”

Lena lets her eyes trail across the ceiling, particularly the water stain covering a large patch of it. “I guess so, and I’m sure I’ll feel that way later, but I’m just happy it is over for now. Well, I’ll be happy when we get confirmation from this so-called moustached lady that it is over.”

Kara gently scratches her nails over Lena’s arm, soothing her and smiling at the tiny sigh she manages to pull from the brunette’s lips. “Me too.”

Lena presses herself into Kara’s side as tightly as she can, more than a little afraid but unwilling to voice her concerns in front of a load of CIA agents. She’s not showing herself up like that. Not a chance in hell.

As she always does, Kara seems to just know. She always knows. She intertwines their fingers and grips onto her tightly, making a show of being afraid so she has an excuse to cling to Lena. Lena knows better though. She knows that Kara’s nervous but not terrified. It’s just a helicopter, after all.

They were flown into a CIA branch in Metropolis from the Motel this afternoon, where they spent a few hours reviewing their story and writing a written report of it all. Now they’re finally being allowed home, but the only private aircraft they would allow was a helicopter because, apparently, private jets are excessive. Cat tried to argue with them, but it didn’t get them anywhere, so here they are in a helicopter flying from Metropolis to National City, where they’ll land on top of the CatCo building.

Lena is sure she would be much better at this and much less afraid if it wasn’t so dark and they weren’t flying into the abyss, but she did insist on getting home tonight. She stands by that. She really wants to get home as soon as possible, and it’s definitely worth it, but that doesn’t mean that she’s not scared.

“How long will it take us to get to National City?” Kara asks through her headset.

“About an hour, just sit back and relax. We’ll be there in no time.” The co-pilot smiles warmly at her. “This is one of the safest forms of travel, you’re in good hands.”

Lena pipes up. “That’s true, but you don’t often see a helicopter in movies that doesn’t crash. It has a way of eating into your subconscious.”

The co-pilot laughs warmly. “That’s true, but I can assure you that this is nothing like in the movies.”

Lena nods and clings onto Kara a little more, tempted to try and climb into her lap to get away from the helicopter door. Kara is going the opposite way, trying to lean over Lena to take a look out of the window.

“Look at that view.” She marvels at the lights shining from all of the buildings in Metropolis and the way they are slowly lessening as they make their way out of the city.”

Cat stares out of her window. “It is a sight to behold. It’s no National City, but I must admit there’s a beauty to seeing it from up here.”

Lena wants to look but doesn’t dare, so she settles from slowly building up her courage throughout the rest of the flight, all so she can force herself to look out of the window for ten whole seconds when they get to National City and look out at the place that she calls home.

She manages it and has to say that even though she was horribly afraid the entire time, it was worth it. She’s glad she did it, and it’s a sight she’ll commit to her memory for as long as she can keep it preserved in her mind.

They land on CatCo’s helipad and get escorted inside, where a few more CIA agents are gathered in one of the conference rooms. A couple of them are in the lobby protecting the building, but none are roaming the halls. Kara figured that’s because they’ve already done a thorough sweep of the building and are satisfied that there’s no danger here.

They head right for Cat’s office, and when they get there, they see Nia spinning in lazy circles in Cat’s chair. She shoots up out of it when Cat clears her throat.

“Ms Grant, you’re back!”

“I am, and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t break my chair.” She saunters around her desk and shoos Nia out of the way so she can sit down.

Nia moves her attention over to Kara and Lena, but her eyes get caught on Kara’s face. “Oh no, you’ve been hurt.”

Kara nods softly. “I’ll be alright though. I’m sure it’ll heal in no time. How did everything go here? Were you ok?”

Nia looks at her with disbelief written across her face. “Was I ok? Kara, you were kidnapped by the government.”

“And you were in charge of a media company in the middle of one of the biggest stories we’ve ever told with nobody around to help you.”

Nia blushes, suddenly bashful. “I was ok. Franklin was a big help. I think I handled it pretty well. The FBI tried to barge their way in here, and by ‘tried’, I mean they did fully force their way in.”

“What?” Cat’s eyebrows practically raise into her hairline.

“Yeah, I just started a livestream and showed off their behaviour to the world. Soon enough, they were forced to admit that they didn’t have a warrant and were just being bullies while being broadcasted to the world. I then used that same broadcast to bring everyone’s attention to you guys and the way that those same people took you. It caused a lot of anger and worry for you guys, and I guess that attention got the CIA’s attention too. They arrived not long after with actual clearance and have been here ever since helping to clear up the mess that FBI made.”

Kara smiles and nudges Lena’s shoulder. “See, I told you to have faith.”

Lena ducks her head. “Yeah, you did.” She clears her throat when she realizes that Nia is watching them way too closely to be normal. “What?”

“You’re just so cute.”

“Oh, can I have my phone, Nia?” Kara asks.

“Yeah, I’ll go and get it. You want to call Alex?” Nia gets moving, talking to Kara over her shoulder.

Kara nods. “Yeah, I think she’d kill me if she found out she wasn’t the first person I called when getting back. That and she’s probably pretty worried.”

Lena takes the opportunity to sit down on the couch, and she leans forward to rest her head in her hands. “I’m ready to go home.”

Kara sits beside her, rubbing her hand up her back soothingly. “Me too. Is there anything we have to do here before we can go?”

Cat looks up from the laptop Nia was using. “I’ll handle everything. You two should talk to the agents and see if you need an escort or if you can just go. If you can, take my car. I won’t be leaving here tonight.”

“Are you sure, Ms Grant?” Kara looks up at her through furrowed brows. “You should rest too. You only got a few hours at the Motel.”

“I’m sure. I’ll try to get those agents out of my conference room and then sleep on the couch for a while. I’m far too restless to do anything good with myself at home though. It’s best I work for a while and get a handle on everything I can. I need that right now.”

Nia holds up their phones and keys triumphantly for a moment before setting them on the coffee table. “Here you go. You best call your sister, Kara.”

“I know. I’m actually surprised she’s not here, to be honest.” Kara’s heart sinks when she sees Nia grimace in response to her words. “What is it?”

Nia hums awkwardly for a minute, avoiding eye contact.

“Nia, just say it, you’re putting us even more on edge than we were before.” Lena raises a demanding eyebrow at her, her voice harsher than she means for it to be because of how tired and stressed she is.

Taking a deep breath, Nia comes out with it. “Alex is at your place. She has been staying there because the CIA had to go and search through your entire place to make sure it’s safe. She’s been tidying up after them since.”

Kara sags back into the couch, her head thrown over the back of it. “For fuck’s sake. Now we will have to redecorate again because the place feels gross.”

Lena sighs. “At least we know it’s safe now, and it’ll give us something to do on the weekends.”

“This is going to be hard to believe, but I like having lazy weekends that don’t include busting my ass painting.”

Snorting, Lena pushes herself up, ready to get going. Kara can call Alex on the way home. “You could’ve fooled me.”

Alex squeezes Kara as tightly as she can, completely ignoring the way she’s wheezing because she can’t breathe thanks to the tight grip she’s got on her little sister. “I’m so happy you’re alive.”

“Me too, but I don’t think I will be for much longer if you don’t let go.” Kara pushes back on Alex’s shoulders in an attempt to get her off her long enough to get a couple of good, deep breaths in.

“Sorry.” Alex says, letting go of her. “I was just worried about you. I thought they were going to kill you.”

Kara looks down at her feet for a moment before taking a shaky breath. “You and me both. It wasn’t a situation I’d like to be in ever again.”

Alex’s eyes widen dramatically. “Yes, I would very much appreciate it if you could avoid ever getting into a situation like that again, please and thank you.”

Lena chuckles dryly. “I will do my best to stop her if she tries, believe me, this hasn’t been a walk in the park.”

Kara presses her lips together tightly and Lena raises an eyebrow at her questioningly. “Got something to say?”

Puffing out a nervous breath, Kara tries to mask her increased breathing by walking off towards the kitchen. “I’m going to go and get a drink. Does anyone want one?”

“Kara, you can’t avoid us. Say what you want to say first.” Lena insists, catching her arm as she tries to pass her.

Licking her dry lips, Kara steels herself for whatever reaction she’s going to get. “I’m not sorry it all happened.”

Lena frowns at her, her eyebrows pinching and her lips angling down. “What do you mean?”

Dropping her shoulders, Kara continues. “I’m not sorry I dug into it and I would do it again. We saved a lot of lives by bringing it to light. That plan to start experimenting on humans was awful and I could never live with myself if I just turned a blind eye to something like that. I would make the same choice over again and if I ever come across anything like it in the future, I have to speak up. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t.”

“I know you wouldn’t.” Lena can’t be mad at that, especially when Kara is speaking so passionately.

“I never want to put any of you in danger and when I started this case, I didn’t bring everyone into the loop right away when I should’ve. Maybe that would have helped or stopped some of the bad stuff from happening, but overall, I’d still have to take the case. I’ll always take the case. I’ll just take more precautions with it.”

Lena tugs on Kara’s sleeve, prompting her to stop rambling. “We know you will and we’ll always support you. We just also want you to be safe. We want to know that no matter what, we’ll be here and we’ll keep you as safe as we can. You just have to let us in.”

“I second that.” A voice calls out from behind Lena, startling the brunette and causing her to almost leap into Kara’s arms. “Sorry, Lena.” Kelly walks out, a glass of water in hand. She passes it to Kara. “I heard you say that you want a drink so I got you one. I was helping Alex tidy up.”

Kara smirks as she looks between Alex and Kelly. “Thank you. So, have you guys been here together the whole time?”

“Yeah, well, I was with Alex when she got the call about the CIA being here so I decided to come along and keep her company,” Kelly explains, taking Alex’s hand.

Lena has now recovered from the Kelly-sized jump scare and is now smirking at Alex, who is redder than a ripe tomato. “I bet you did.”

“Anyway, we’re both just happy you’re ok and we came to make sure nothing got damaged here. It was just a bit messy since they had to sweep the place for bugs and weapons.” Alex rushes out. “We should probably go.”

Kara shakes her head at that. “Nonsense. It’s late. You guys can take the guest room.”

“Thank you, Kara. That would be much appreciated. It’s late and I hate driving at night.”

“I could drive.” Alex argues weakly.

“I’m sure you could, honey, but I want to stay,” Kelly says and to Kara’s utter astonishment, Alex agrees with a singular nod.

Lena looks equally as baffled but also extraordinarily amused. “Now that’s settled, you’re free to just relax now. We really appreciate you guys coming over and doing that for us. We’re really tired though, so we’re going to head to bed and deal with everything in the morning. You can either go to bed or stay up and watch TV or something if you want to.”

Kelly smiles at them warmly. “You’re welcome. I’m glad we could help. We’ll probably head to bed soon too. Which guest room are Alex and I staying in?”

Alex flushes again as Kelly outs them as only needing one room, her ears ablaze.

“I’ll show you, follow us,” Lena says, directing Kara to head for the stairs with a hand to the small of her back, eager to get upstairs and get a proper night’s sleep in her own bed with Kara tucked safely against her, protected and loved.

The next few days are hectic. It's not the kind of hectic that comes from the government trying to murder them, but it's still pretty hectic. There are more interviews than they know how to handle, and given that it’s literally part of Kara’s job, that’s a lot. She knows how to handle herself, they both do, but when they’re forced to spend days doing nothing but recounting the same story over and over to a hundred different people, it’s too much.

They haven’t even figured out how to handle it themselves just yet, but here they are, forced to try and explain something they have yet to figure out themselves. Something they want to understand but haven’t had the time to process.

“How many today?” Kara sighs, rubbing at her eyes harshly as she tries to summon up the courage to sit up so she can take the mug Lena’s offering her, one filled with caffeinated goodness and way too much sugar.

Lena sighs and puts it down on the nightstand, sensing that her arm will go numb from waiting with it outstretched before Kara will take it otherwise. “I don’t know. Maybe we should call in sick or put them off for tomorrow. We haven’t had a break from it yet, and I think we deserve one.”

“I never thought I’d see the day when Lena Luthor would offer up a day off.” Kara smiles wryly for a moment. “But we can’t. If we put it off, we’ll just end up with a load more work waiting for us another day. We have to tell all those people these things for a reason. We’re helping clean up this mess, and I think it’s important.”

“It is, but so is your mental health.” She takes a breath before correcting herself. “Our mental health.”

Kara smiles up at her proudly. “Look at you looking after yourself.”

Lena sinks into bed beside Kara, cuddling up into her side. “Yeah, well, I have a pretty awesome girlfriend who becomes a nightmare to live with when I don’t look after myself, so I’ve been speaking with my therapist over the phone. I think she was surprised when I made the appointment because it’s been that long since the last time we spoke. I’m lucky she got me in so fast.”

Kara grimaces. “I think that’s probably because our faces are all over the news, so she knows you need it right now.”

“Fair point.” Lena gives in. “Still, she helped me realize that we need some time to deal with this without everyone interjecting and messing up our thoughts, so I think a day off is exactly what we need.”

“You think so?”

“I do.”

“Even if we don’t go to work, we won’t be able to find out who the latest government asshole is that got arrested. You know I live for those updates.”

Pressing her lips to Kara’s cheek gently, she trails soft kisses across her skin until they fall into a tender kiss. One that is promptly ruined by Lena blowing a raspberry against Kara’s lips.

“Ew!” Kara gasps and pulls away from Lena. “Lena!”

Lena cackles maniacally, falling onto her back and holding a hand to her chest. “Your face! That was so good!”

“Ok, now I definitely want to go to work.”

Lena’s laughs don’t stop, not even as she starts trying to talk between laughs. “I already called us both out.”

Kara grabs her mug and pouts, propping the pillows up behind her. “You’re mean and I don’t appreciate it.”

Lena trails her hand up Kara’s leg, starting at her knee and then slipping up her thigh, her fingertips sneaking beneath the fabric of her shorts. “Are you sure? If we stay home, we can really…work through our emotional baggage together.”

“Lena, we can’t fuck away our trauma.”

“We can try.” Lena smirks, shuffling closer, continuing to edge her fingers further up to where both of them want them to land.

Kara leans into the touch, her arms still folded over her chest and her head tilted away in faux indifference even as she does so. “I haven’t done my morning crossword yet.”

“I’m not stopping you,” Lena whispers, tugging at the waistband of the offending shorts. “Your puzzle book is in your nightstand drawer as per usual. You shouldn’t have an issue getting it, should you?”

Kara tries to focus, her hands faltering when she tries to grip the knob because Lena takes that exact moment to tug the shorts down to her knees and swipe her tongue against her clit. “Jesus Christ.”

“If that’s not the answer to a clue, I don’t want to hear it.”

“What?”

“What’s the answer to number one?”

“Across or down?”

“Surprise me.” Lena drawls, watching on joyously as Kara frantically flips through the book in search of a crossword she hasn’t done. It takes her a moment to arrange the pen in her hand and run her eyes over the words. “So?”

“Across is Benjamin Fr—” Kara gasps and loses her mind as Lena’s tongue gets back to work.

“Who?” Lena stops what she’s doing and takes that time to pull Kara’s shorts all the way off so she can lie down between her legs comfortably, her head coming to rest on her inner thigh to show that she’s not starting again until she gets her answer. “Who?”

“B-Benjamin Franklin.”

“Mmm.” Lena hums, her tongue getting back to work on the pretty, pink pussy she’s missed in all the commotion caused by people trying to murder them. This is a very relaxing change of pace. “What about down?”

“Down?” Kara gasps, her eyes falling closed as she drops her pen, her hand travelling down to nest in Lena’s messy hair, still tangled from sleep. It’s slapped away, and Lena snatches up the pen from where she dropped it on the sheets and forces it back into her hand.

Lena traps Kara’s thighs with her arms, pinning her in place. “Down.”

Kara writhes under her touch, trying her best to wriggle free from the tight grasp, to regain the ability to buck and grind, something she definitely took for granted. Now, she doesn’t stand a chance of taking a single thing that Lena isn’t allowing.

She drops the book and pen onto her chest, giving them up and reaching down a second time. She’s not sure if she’s trying to pull Lena closer or get away, but either way, she needs Lena to hurry up and stop teasing her before she implodes.

“Fuck, Lena. You’re doing a better job at killing me than any of those incompetent government dimwits ever did.”

Lena freezes. “Kara, my love?” She waits for Kara to peer down at her. “Too soon.”

“Sorry,” Kara mumbles, her hands gripping at Lena’s, trying to pry them away from her thighs, a task she’s completely failing at.

“Hands back up.”

“But—”

“No, hands back up,” Lena demands, her tone sharp to match the fingertips digging through the supple flesh of her thighs and into the steely muscle hiding beneath it. “If you aren’t going to be a good girl and fill in the answers for me, you can hold onto the headboard.”

All it takes for Kara to comply is Lena’s mouth trailing over to her thigh and her teeth sinking into her skin, albeit with a moan that would make a demon shake its head. She follows it up by finally releasing her thighs and sitting up to grab the puzzle book and pen.

She takes a look at the next clue on the page. “You answer correctly and you’ll get rewarded. Now, this is an easy one. The surname of the actress who played Rachel in ‘Friends’.” She finishes the clue with a lick to the teeth marks she’s left behind.

“Aniston.” Kara whines.

“Good girl.” Lena smirks, latching back onto her clit with a ferocity that forces all the air out of her lungs. She licks across it broadly before sucking it like her life depends on it, working her up as quickly as humanly possible, knowing all of the little tips and tricks to get her to cum faster than a teenage boy losing his virginity.

Kara is catapulted to the brink of insanity and then left there to teeter as Lena eases off, licking across her pussy in bold strokes, her tongue avoiding her clit more and more with each pass, thoroughly lavishing her lips and avoiding the little bundle of nerves that craves her attention.

“No…” Kara complains. “Lena, please.”

“Hush. I have to write your last answer in the grid. I forgot to do it. Remind me what the answer was again.”

“Aniston.”

Lena hums, picking up the pen with one hand and using the other to gently rub her clit in tiny, delicate circles, keeping her right where she wants her. “Next clue. The famous river that runs through London.”

“The…” Kara groans as Lena adjusts the pressure, giving her a little more just to watch her squirm. “You’re evil.”

“I know. Now tell me the name of that river, baby.” Lena twirls the pen playfully, reaching up to use the non-working end of it to flick her nipple. “I want to know.”

“The Thames!” Kara practically shouts. “Please, let me cum.”

Lena tuts, taking a second to jot down the answer before tossing it aside once more. “You’ve only answered three questions. Do you really think that’s earned you that kind of reward?”

“Probably not, but I want to drink my coffee while it’s still hot, so please hurry the hell up.” Kara gasps but peers down at Lena with a level of sincerity that the ravenette isn’t expecting.

“Yes, dear.” She drawls. “Do me a favour and move your hands down to your breasts. They’re way too perky to be left neglected, don’t you think?”

Kara doesn’t need telling a second time, her hands making their way up her pyjama top and grabbing her boobs with a ferocity that shocks even herself. Her fingers find her nipples and pinch them teasingly, matching Lena’s soft rhythm and getting harsher as she speeds up her tongue as her hands get acquainted with her ass.

Lena grabs handfuls of the cheeks that she’s missed so much. How long it’s been since she’s managed to get a good butt grab in should be a crime. “Ok, darling. Let’s make you cum so you can have your coffee.”

She attaches herself to her clit once again, sucking ruthlessly and adding just the tiniest amount of teeth, sending fire burning through Kara’s nerves and finally tipping her over the edge that Lena has kept her on for way longer than she expected her to today. “Fuck, Lena!”

“That’s it, good girl.” Lena coos, continuing to lick at her, unwilling to stop and move away from the delicious treat she’s found between Kara’s legs, one that is definitely her favourite. She’s half convinced she could actually survive from eating Kara out as her only source of nutrition.

Kara takes a long few minutes to come back to herself, using her shaky hands to pull Lena’s head away from her sensitive clit until her cheek is resting on her thigh. “Ok, this is a good morning.”

Lena hums, climbing up to lie beside her slowly and carefully before she reaches over to her own nightstand and grabs her mug. She takes a healthy sip before simply tipping it back and chugging the entire thing. She sighs as she puts it down once it’s empty. “Thanks for reminding me about the coffee. I hate cold coffee.”

Kara stares at her wide-eyed. “Did you make me cum quickly just so your coffee wouldn’t go cold?”

“Yep. I was planning on making you finish the crossword first, but you know I have to get my caffeine fix.”

“You’re definitely evil.” Kara pouts, drinking her coffee at a much more reasonable pace. “At least some of my crossword is done though. I’m not thanking you because you’re mean, but I am glad it’s got a few…” She peers down at the page. “Only three?”

“Three answers, only another twenty-three to go, it would have been more but you’re not great at multitasking. That’s a shame.” Lena leans over and pecks her on the lips before deepening the kiss and giving Kara the chance to taste a mixture of herself and coffee on her tongue.

Kara sighs against her lips and chases them as Lena pulls back. “I’m going to have a shower and then get breakfast started. Take your time with your puzzle.”

“I’m going to get you back for this.” Kara calls out to Lena’s retreating form.”

“I’m sure you will,” Lena smirks over her shoulder, disappearing into the bathroom with an extra sway of her hips.

Sagging back into the pillows, Kara pulls the duvet back over her bare bottom half. “This woman is going to kill me.”

Read the entirety of Live With Me on Patreon here!

Find out more about a new Supergirl fandom event for writers and artists here!

#supercorp #supergirl #lena luthor #kara danvers #kara zor el #kara x lena #fanfic #cw supergirl #supercorp endgame #supercorp fanfic #supergirl fanfiction #supergirl fanfic #wlw ship #chaoticsuper

19 notes · View notes