Not wearing glasses anymore. I have seen enough.

I NEED TO TELL YOU GUYS A STORY‼️

last year I went to see my chemical romance in concert, and when we got to the venue, there were some openers. Okay so the opening bands are done, and everyone is quaking in their boots because they know mcr is about to come on. The roadies are setting up the stage, it’s dark and everyone’s murmuring. Suddenly, the stage lights flash rainbow, motherfucking LADY GAGA starts playing and this dude walks on stage in a tshirt with huge letters on it that says “VACUUM GUY” and he starts vacuuming the stage. Everyone starts screaming, and then he mounts his vacuum and I kid you not rides it across the stage while born this way starts playing, he’s dancing and playing to the audience and I’m pretty sure a couple tears were shed. now my row is me, my dad, and this pack of middle aged biker men, they’re covered in tattoos and battle jackets, and I just scream “I LOVE YOU VACUUM GUY!!” They all cheer and pat me on the back and we scream that together, I bond with these men, vacuum guy is tearing it up, everyone clapped. If you’re out there somewhere, vacuum guy, I love you. Find me.

truly one of the (very real) battles of all time

Steve: how’d you sleep babe?

Eddie: not great, I had pretty weird dreams

Steve: me too, I had a dream I was playing basketball against Mr. Clarke and he could dunk. what did you dream about?

Eddie: I was in this huge grocery store that had nothing but refrigerators filled with something labeled ‘worm meat’

Steve:…

Eddie: it was blue and I can’t stop thinking about it. why was it blue?

Me doing a fake reaction because instead of listening I was busy thinking about Tori Spring …

About ten years ago Craigslist had the "casual encounters" section. I had a few successful encounters before they got rid of it.

One night I was high and horny and I got fixated on the idea of meeting a woman I had never met before at a hotel with the intent to do blow and fuck all night. So I made a post and after about an hour of spam bots i got a real reply from a sexy thick blonde milf that was 10 years older than me.

We emailed back and forth for about a day, feeling each other out and when we both were sure we were legit, we began making plans on when and where. I chose a nice hotel with an in room jacuzzi that was close to where she lived called Lake Tarpon Resort (the name has since changed).

The day arrives and I pick up an 🎱 from my co-worker and head to the hotel, two cities away from me. I was a bit nervous on the drive, it was raining pretty hard and the whole situation was crazy to begin with. Stopped at a Walgreens and sat for a moment to think things through and decided I'd come that far, this is going down. So I buy a box of condoms and drive the final mile to the hotel.

I go in the lobby and there she is, exactly like her pictures. She was wearing what looked like basically sexy office worker attire, black heels, black skirt, white blouse, black jacket. Sounds plain the way I described it but she looked hot in it.

I get our room key and we head up. The moment we're in the room we're all over each other, kissing, ours hands exploring each other's bodies until I pull away and pull out the ❄ and break out some lines. Watching a woman do a line of blow is a huge turn on for me, so when she did hers I was rock hard and ready to go.

I just undress like normal which disappointed her because she wanted to undress me. So to make up for it I push her on the bed and begin undressing her, trying to be sexy but really just doing it frantically and awkwardly. It doesn't matter, we're high, she's wet, I'm hard, were ready to fuck.

Now, I was hardly sexually experienced at the time, I'd never even given a woman oral. I wasn't a virgin but I had only had sex like 3 times before, so a part of the reason I wanted to do this in the first place was to get some proper experience under my belt lol.

She tells me she wants to suck my cock, so I lay down. She tells me my cock is huge, which I just roll my eyes at because at the time I didn't think it was anything but average, and then begins to give me a passable bj (I've never really enjoyed getting head all that much, even today). Then she surprises me by putting the condom on me with her mouth like a hooker lol. She straddles me and sits on my cock, and to my surprise she's still acting like it's huge, easing it in slow like she can't take it. I think she's just trying to make me feel good. She finally had my cock all the way inside her pussy and she tells me not move. She just sits there catching her breath then finally begins to ride my cock. I grab her tits but then after maybe the third time she bounces on my cock she lets out a loud moan as her whole body shudders. She came and I barely did anything. At the moment I began to think maybe she wasn't just trying to be nice about the size of my cock, especially when I saw how wet my pelvis and thighs were from her. That's when I knew that night was gonna be even better than I had imagined.

She rides me until we both cum together. We do some more lines and after a bit it's time for round 2. I love kissing so I wanted her on her back missionary style. I put the second condom on myself and climb on the bed. As I push my cock inside she's whimpering and telling me to go slow, so I do. Once I'm in her, I begin to fuck her in the most awful "push up style" looking way, you know, holding my upper body up with my arms like I'm doing a push up while I clumsily thrusted my lower body forward. This was exactly why I wanted to use the night as practice. Finally I figured out that resting on my knees while keeping my upper body upright is way better and I began to finally fuck her good and proper. She didn't last long again and neither did I, but when I was about to cum she DEMANDS that I "Take that fucking condom off" and cum on her. I pull out and try pulling the condom off and she immediately grabs it from me and yanks it off my cock so fast, which to this day is one of the hottest things I've ever experienced-- seeing just how badly she wanted me to cum on her that she couldn't wait for me to take it off so pulled it off herself. I shoot big load and she says "Fuck yes, that's what I wanted" when it manages to get on her face as well.

The rest of the tale is hazy. We stopped using condoms for the rest of the night. We kept doing blow in between each round until it was gone. Fucked her 5 times total, round 3 was my first time giving a cream pie, round 4 we fucked standing doggy and I came disappointingly small amount on her ass, and round 5 was after we went to sleep, I woke up to her grabbing on my cock which was already hard and fucked her as we laid on our sides, cumming inside her again if any cum actually came out of me lol.

I still am in touch with her to this day, though we have never met up again. I wish I could remember more details, but as Rick James said... Cocaine is a Hell of a drug.

Me: *starts crying while telling my mom about how much the ninja suffer*

My mom: They aren’t real

Me: *cries harder* THEY’RE REAL TO ME

Both. I nailed both so I’m killing it.

I wanted to text you but then I remembered that you also have fingers.

Sex-ed teacher: Everyone has an attraction to something on the human body, be it hair, smile, or chest ext.

Sex-ed teacher: Let's hear some examples. *points at me* what do you find most attractive about a person?

Me and my silly little AroAce brian:

I need this shirt!

Archangel Michael Gave this Battle Cry to US !

Archangel Michael

let’s talk about fantasys🤤

Jiang YanLi sat down between the two, “Who are you talking about? A friend you made in Gusu?”

Wei WuXian responded happily, “Yeah!”

Jiang Cheng, “What a shameless ‘friend’ you are. Go ask Lan WangJi and see if he wants you as one.”

Wei WuXian, “Fuck off. If he doesn’t want me, I’ll bother him to the point that he does."

And so he did 💕

The end 😂