god i know i said i was tired of making eveerything sad but just imagine timber those first few months of reconnecting and they're both drunk on tim's boat, laying on the deck staring up at the stars and bear turns over to look at tim, his eyes are sad and wet, and he reaches out to touch tim's face as if to make sure tim is really there and not an illusion and tim whispers, "bear?" and bernard smiles a little brokenly and goes, "so how long do i have you for this time?"

Dad Tim & Uncle Rhys Part 7

I had an absolutely soul-crushing, exhausting day at work and needed to write something soft. This didn’t come out the way I planned at all, but that about sums up my experience as a writer. I plan to make a master post for these shorts soon! And you can find part one here! 

Rhys had reluctantly accepted that he’d somehow gotten himself dragged into a weird relationship with the Lawrence family.

It was why he was currently making his way to Tim’s house. Tim had invited him over for dinner and drinks. The two did have a little business to discuss, but the whole evening was largely casual.

Rhys had considered refusing, but one look at Phoenix’s excited little face and he knew his fate was sealed. The kid had taken a noticeable liking to him, even as Lorelei tried to steal away his affection for herself. Rhys wished she’d win it already.

Still, he wasn’t as moody as he expected when he knocked on the front door. He’d been in the house only twice before, once when Tim was sick and once to drop off some paperwork for Tim to sign.

Tim answered the door, wiping his hands on a towel as he stepped aside to less Rhys in. “Hey, Rhys. It’s almost ready. Mind keeping an eye on my kid while I switch over the laundry? He keeps getting close to the stove.”

“I knew you invited me here just to babysit,” Rhys said, shaking his head.

“Just go make sure my kid doesn’t cook himself to a crisp for a few minutes,” Tim said, waving him away. “Wine’s on the counter if you want to help yourself.”

Rhys made his way to the kitchen. Phoenix sat on the floor, tattered bear tucked safely into his lap and toy gun in hand. He was firing it off at a paper target hung up on the wall on the other side of the kitchen.

“Boss guy,” he said, looking up at Rhys. Phoenix pointed at the shirt he was wearing, a little Atlas T-shirt Rhys had gifted him. “State a’ the art. I dressed myself.”

His mismatched socks and the plaid shirt he wore unbuttoned over the Atlas one, which also didn’t match, definitely proved that. “So I see. I like your shirt. Where are the glasses?”

Phoenix pointed to one cupboard. “There.” He pointed to another. “And those are the hard day glasses.”

Rhys opened the second cabinet and pulled out a wine glass. “I take it Tim calls it that?”

“Uh-huh. When dad gets a hard day glass, it means I get an extra scoop of ice cream to shut my mouth about it when mom calls,” Phoenix said.

Rhys set the glass down and uncorked the wine. He poured himself a generous helping, then sighed and poured a glass for Tim too to be polite.

He turned back and nearly had a heart attack. “Phoenix!” 

He lurched forward, snagging Phoenix’s shirt as he reached for the heated oven. He yanked the boy back, wrapping an arm around his chest.

“What the hell? That’s hot! That’s very hot! It’s-” He peered at the temperature, “425 degrees hot!”

Phoenix squirmed against him, effortlessly slipping out of Rhys’ hold. “It’s warm. I just wanna warm my hands.”

Tim poked his head in. “Phoenix Lawrence, are you trying to touch the oven again?”

Phoenix held up his hands. “They’re cold. I just wanna warm ‘em, dad.”

“You’re your mother’s son, you absolute headache,” Tim groaned, coming into the room. “Your hands wouldn’t be so cold if you hadn’t left the toy gun outside all damn day. It was freezing out today. That thing is never going to fully unthaw. Give it to me.”

Phoenix handed it over and Tim turned the sink on, letting the water get hot before running it over the toy. Phoenix tried to pull himself up onto the counter to watch, but failed.

Rhys sighed as Phoenix turned to him expectantly. Some part of him was admittedly touched, as Phoenix despised being touched by almost everyone but Tim. It was a sign of trust for him, something he didn’t give away easily after the trauma he’d endured growing up.

Rhys lifted the kid into his arms, letting Phoenix watch. When the gun was returned to him, he smiled wide and squirmed until Rhys set him down. He scooped up his bear and resumed his practice shots, Tim easily maneuvering around him. 

“Hey, uh, I’ve got to ask about the bear,” Rhys said, nodding to it.

“Oh. Right, a few weeks before he was born, I thought…” Tim shrugged helplessly. “I dunno, I just thought he should have some toy or something to comfort him. So I fought my way into one of the gift shops and got him that bear. Everything had Hyperion on it, nothing I could do about that. But he took right to it. Rarely goes anywhere without it, and doesn’t want a replacement. He had a blanket, too, but one of the scavengers destroyed it in a fight when they found my hideout.”

“He tore it,” Phoenix said, looking upset. “And he stabbed dad and dad bled all over it.”

Tim knelt next to Phoenix and ruffled his hair, smiling sadly. “Yea, sorry about that, pal. But we’ll find you another one, someday. If you weren’t so picky…”

“It was my blanket!” Phoenix said.

“I know, I know. Sorry I bleed when I’ve been stabbed in the leg,” Tim said. “I’ll try to keep my blood in my body and off your possessions from now on. Now, help set the table while I get the food. And if you get near that stove again, I’m going to...do...something...uh, something that’s...a stern dad thing to do?”

“That’ll show him,” Rhys said.

“Oh, shut up.” Tim stood up and began to get the food together as Phoenix tried to set the table.

“Tried” was the key word. He was too short to reach most of the tableware, and had to drag a chair around to each cupboard. Rhys finally took pity and helped him, passing down whatever he needed.

When they were done, they gathered at the table, passing plates around and piling them with food. Tim wasn’t the best cook in the world, but he’d taken to it well enough. 

“Hey,” Tim said, kicking Phoenix under the table and nodding to Rhys. “Tell boss guy what you did today.”

“I almost read a whole book by myself,” Phoenix said, eyes wide with pride. 

“He’ll be putting in his application as soon as he can read the questions,” Tim said, but he gave Phoenix a proud smile.

“Uh...where is he? School-wise, I mean,” Rhys said.

“Ahead in some areas, behind in others. We taught him how to read certain signs in the casino, and Ember taught him the alphabet. He’s really good at math, and verbally he’s pretty advanced for his age. It’s just reading and writing he struggles with,” Tim said. “We work at it every night. We do at least two hours of homeschooling a night.”

“You do?” Rhys was surprised to hear that; Tim had his assignments done so fast that he had to be working on them at home.

Tim nodded. “Yea. I bring him practice sheets to do while I work during the day, and we go over them at night and then do some lessons. I’m college educated, remember? I’m no teacher, but I went online to learn how to teach my kid myself. And Ember calls to do lessons with him.”

Rhys had to respect that. Tim could be so flippant sometimes that it was easy to forget how seriously he took raising his son. 

“Hey, um, Tim?” Rhys said. “You’re doing a great job raising him. You’re a good employee and a good dad.”

Tim seemed surprised. “I...thank you, Rhys. Thank you.”

“He’s the best dad!” Phoenix said. “‘Cept he takes forever in the shower.”

“Brat,” Tim said affectionately. 

They ate, Tim and Rhys talking their business. Phoenix was quiet as usual, not interrupting them and instead entertaining himself in a way that wouldn’t distract them.

When they’d finished the meal, Tim brought out ice cream, Phoenix’s face lighting up. Tim handed him a bowl, but he reluctantly shook his head, pointing at Rhys.

“Boss guy first,” he said.

“Me first?” Rhys said.

“Dad said guests are s’posed to get food first,” Phoenix said. He hesitated, then blurted, “But save some for me. Please.”

“I’m not going to eat the whole thing!” Rhys said indignantly. “You’d have to roll me out of here.”

Phoenix watched anxiously as Rhys scooped himself ice cream. He took a generous portion, Phoenix leaning forward a little as if he was going to complain. A look from Tim had him pouting but staying quiet.

Rhys let him sit in his misery for a moment longer before passing the bowl to him. “A thanks for setting the table.”

Phoenix smiled widely, taking the bowl. “Wow! You don’t suck, boss guy!”

“Uh, just say thanks,” Tim said with a sigh. “‘You don’t suck’ isn’t the compliment you think it is.”

“Oh,” Phoenix said. “But he doesn’t suck. Look at all the ice cream he gave me, dad.”

“Yea, we’ll just not tell your mom you ate that much in one night,” Tim said, passing another bowl to Rhys. “Schooling I’m on top of, diet I’m working on.” 

They ate their ice cream, Phoenix babbling on happily about the school lesson Tim had given him today. He was trying to tell Rhys about the story he’d read almost by himself.

When they’d finished eating, they all cleaned the kitchen together and shifted out to the living room. Phoenix sat in Tim’s lap on the couch, clutching a juice box in one hand and his bear in the other. 

“Be right back,” Tim said, nudging Phoenix off himself. “I just have to use the bathroom.”

He disappeared down the hallway. Phoenix sipped at his juice box before looking at Rhys.

“Boss guy, if I learn how to read good, can I help at work?” he said.

“Read well,” Rhys said. “Not ‘read good’. Right, not the point here. Why do you want to help at work?”

“So dad can sleep,” he said. “He gets up real early sometimes to get work done.” He fidgeted with his juice box. “‘Cause of me. ‘Cause he’s busy helping me. I wasn’t s’posed to listen, but I did and I heard mom tell dad he’s gonna work himself to death. I don’t want my dad to die. I wanna help him.” 

“That’s just a figure of speech. He won’t actually work himself to death,” Rhys assured.

But...Phoenix was right. Not only was Tim readjusting to life outside of the casino after fighting for survival daily for seven years, but he was also readjusting to having a busy, demanding job. And on top of that, he was a single father, raising his oops kid who was suffering much of the same trauma as him.

Rhys considered it. Tim rarely missed work, enough so that when he did, Rhys knew it was serious. He came early and stayed late. He left work and schooled Phoenix at home. He really had no free time for himself. His life had become work and parenting. He had no one to watch his son for a day so he could take a break.

Shit. Rhys thought back, realizing how quick he was to dismiss Tim’s obvious signs of exhaustion. The constant coffees, the bags under his eyes, the energy drinks, the way he needed to get up and pace a bit if he sat too long, his occasional quick temper. 

“Phoenix, you’re just a kid. It’s not your job to worry about your dad,” Rhys said. “He’ll be okay.”

“But-” Phoenix started.

“Let me worry about him,” Rhys said. “Do you trust me to make sure he’s okay?”

Phoenix hesitated, clearly torn. His dad was the most important person in his life. He wouldn’t trust Tim’s safety to just anyone.

But Rhys must’ve really won the kid over, because eventually, he nodded. “Yea, okay. But I’m gonna learn how to read so I can help! I promise!”

When Tim returned to the room, Rhys glanced at Phoenix. “Hey, Phoenix, there were some chips in one of the cupboards. Can you get them, please? You can have some. I’m making that call even if your dad says no.”

“Yea, fine, I already let him eat like shit. What’s one more snack?” Tim said, waving Phoenix away.

“Gotta let me, or I’ll tell mom you swore again,” Phoenix said, heading into the kitchen.

“Tim,” Rhys said, leaning forward. “Do you want a day off?”

“Huh? Nah, don’t need one. I’ll fall behind,” Tim said. “And Phoenix likes going to work with me.”

“No, I mean…” Rhys shook his head a little. “I mean from work and from watching Phoenix. Just a day. Or even an evening.”

“What, with my abundance of babysitters?” Tim said, raising an eyebrow.

“I’ll watch him.” Oh, god, he was regretting it already. But Tim deserved it, so Rhys plowed on ahead. “I’ll take him for a day so you can have some rest. He can come to my office for the day. You can sleep in, or go out or...whatever.” 

“You’d do that?” Tim looked amazed. “You’d really do that for me?”

“Yes,” Rhys said. “You’re kind of a pain in the ass, but you’re my employee and you work harder than anyone else I know. And I guess we’re...kind of...friends?”

Tim sat back. “I...thanks, Rhys.” He looked down at his wine. “Maybe...fuck, maybe if you wouldn’t mind just, you know, just taking him for an hour or two, just…” He sighed. “I’m a shit dad. Just so I can sleep in one morning. That’s all I need to recharge.”

“You just want to sleep in an extra hour or two?” Rhys said. “You don’t want to go out?”

“I’ve got nowhere to go,” Tim said. “My life changed the moment Ember told me she was pregnant. Phoenix is my responsibility, whether he was an accident or not. He’s gotten so much better since we came here, but he still has a long way to go. That’s my job to be by his side through it all, even if it’s exhausting. Honestly, Rhys, I’m not ready for time alone right now. I’m still working through my own shit from the casino. Having him with me keeps me grounded and reminds me why I have to work at getting better. But I could really, really use a little extra sleep one day.” 

Rhys laughed. “Sleep it is. You name the day, and I’ll come pick him up and take him into the office.”

Tim smiled, small but sincere. “Thanks, Rhys. You’re a good friend.”

Rhys was spared answering that as Phoenix came back in, pulling himself up next to Rhys and holding out the bag of chips. Rhys opened it and let Phoenix have a handful.

“Hey, why not read that book to me?” Rhys said.

“Really? You’ll let me?” Phoenix said.

“Well, obviously. You’ve got to get better at reading, right?” Rhys said, winking.

Phoenix beamed. “Dad! Where’s my book? Gotta read for boss guy.”

So they all sat together on the couch, Phoenix in between them. He read painfully slow and struggled often, but he managed through most of the book with little help from Tim and Rhys. They let him pick out another book to try, and Rhys found himself spending the night helping a little boy learn how to read, Phoenix determined even when he screwed up or got stuck. 

And two days later, Rhys picked him up from the house, Tim still fast asleep upstairs. He brought Phoenix to the office, telling the boy to close his eyes and hold his hands out.

When Phoenix opened his eyes, he found himself looking at a soft blanket with the Atlas logo, and “Phoenix Lawrence” stitched into the corner of it.

The smile on his face and the fierce hug he gave Rhys made it all worth it. He was suckered into this family, and as he hugged Phoenix back, he didn’t even mind it anymore.

Hello! all well? I hope so. I really like your art and your design stroke. I would like to ask you a question: are you reading any Jaytim fanfic? or read some resentment? If so, can you leave the link? I was really looking for some to read.

Sadly I haven’t read anything new in ages, but i have a couple favourites from back in the days where I typed Jaytim on AO3 and went through all. Of. It.

strange fear i ain’t felt for years  by Sister

(rated E, be warned)THE SMUT MY DUDE this is one of my all time favourites but Sister has a lot of gems in their repertoire, so definitely go check them out!

The Many Deaths of Jason Todd by Zoeleo

The one, the only. This fic, this fucking fic. It destroyed me and saved my life all at the same time. It’s super long and now there’s even a whole new fic following the events of this one, so consider my crops watered. (I did fanart for this one forever ago, and just saw that it’s still Zoeleo’s profile pricture and I’m dying all over again aaaaaah)

Casebook of Detective Timothy Drake by chibi_nightowl (who also has a tumblr @chibinightowl)

A very good AU that I think someone recommended to me after I started my detective!Tim stuff and it’s poured gas on the flame I have for that particular AU (or maybe it was before and this is the thing that inspired it? bear with me this was like three years ago) 

it takes a house, a village by defcontwo

I thought it was really funny and it’s got soft homey vibes. I’m here for this!!!

Honeymoon by cinnamon_skull

good ol’ fake marriage trope and I’m living

Here you go! There are a millions others that I love but that I can’t remember off the top of my head, but I’m sure you’ll find something you’ll like in this list!

(i’m into long fics btw so sorry if you were looking for short reads hahah)

Summary: Chris wants an official date with you. Will you say yes? And what happens during your newest dream with him?

Word count:over 1k

Warning ⚠️: 18+only smut,sex,group action,etc.

Characters: Dr.Nicky Ransom x Chris Evans , Denise Ames (cousin),Tim,Judith.

Chapter 10:

You wake in an unfamiliar room, and it takes you a moment to get your bearings.

Right. I fell asleep at Chris’s house. He must have put me to bed. It’s no surprise a house this size has a guest room.

You cast your eyes around the elegantly furnished room.

This is.. gorgeous. My interior design skills place in comparison!

Images from last nights dream flood your mind , and a fresh pang of arousal makes you gasp. You stare up at the ceiling, your body throbbing with frustrated desire.

I’m in Chris’s house. In Chris’s bed.

You slide a hand down your body, your skin tingling deliciously in its wake.

It wouldn’t be so wrong to give myself a little relief, would it? I should... pick up where my dream left off.

You slip your fingers between your legs, finding yourself slick and swollen.

That was a hell of a dream...

You close your eyes, remembering the feel of Chris’s mouth on you.

“Mmm...” Nicky moaned.

You circle your fingers faster, plucking at a nipple with your other hand.

So close...so close..

You piston two fingers inside yourself, then a third, imagining Chris’s hard cockiness their place.

“Oh!” Nicky squealed.

Climax surges through your body like an electrical current. Fully spent, you lay back against the pillows, panting.

And I’ll totally be thinking about that next time I see Chris. Great idea, self.

You slip out bed with a sigh. Your legs warble as you stand, your head swimming dizzily.

Ugh. Guess that’s what I get for staying up late. I’d do it all over again, though.

You look down at yourself and laugh.

And it’s no wonder my brain conjured a ball as I slept!

You straighten yourself up as a best you can, and you see a pair of shorts, and a man’s shirt laid out for you.

Chris is really thoughtful, huh.

After you change ,you head out into the hallway.

All right. Let’s see...

Doors lead off on either side of the hall. You try each in turn, revealing a series of rooms that look to have been rarely if ever used. You head back into the study.

We had a drink, we danced, I fell asleep, and he put me to bed. Nothing else happened between us last night. Certainly nothing sexual.

Your ears pick up the faint strains of music, and you follow it into an elegant parlor. Chris sits at a grand piano, his fingers moving gracefully over the keys. He looks up as you enter.

“Good morning.” Chris answered warmly.

“Good morning to you,too.” Nicky answered.

You watch him play for a moment.

“Wow, you’re .. very talented.” Nicky answered.

“Thank you.” Chris answered.

He chuckles, his fingers effortlessly gliding over the keys even as he speaks to you.

The song he’s playing sounds familiar.

“Apologies. I know classical music isn’t always everyone’s favorite.” Chris answered.

“No, it’s beautiful. You play so well.” Nicky answered.

“You’re too kind. Many don’t particularly appreciate this music nowadays.” Chris answered.

Chris smiles sadly as he plays.

Wait, the song is on the tip of my tongue.

“Well, Mozart is pretty palatable for anyone.” Nicky answered.

Chris smiles, his eyes alight with surprise and happiness.

“You know the piece?” Chris answered.

“Yeah. That’s his Sonata in B-flat major, right?” Nicky answered.

“It is.” Chris answered.

His lifting, hypnotic voice lets out a quiet chuckle.

“Very impressive.” Chris answered with a smile.

You feel your cheeks heat up at the compliment, but you smile back.

“Not as impressive as your playing.” Nicky answered.

“I take it you like classical music?” Chris answers.

“Doesn’t everyone?” Nicky answered. “So... who’s your favorite classical composer?”.

“Chopin. Definitely.” Chris answered.

Chris smiles, his eyes sparkling in the dim light. It’s the same smile Chris of you dream wore as he pushed your skirt up around your hips. Your pulse races.

“Ah. You slept well, I hope?” Chris answered.

“Um.”Nicky answered. Focus, Nicky! I have to...keep my cool.

You take a calming breath.

“I slept great. The bed was crazy comfortable.” Nicky answered. “Your guest room is beautiful, by the way.”

“Thank you. I’m glad you had a restful sleep.” Chris answered.

You have no idea.

“I did.” Nicky answered.

Chris nods.

“I’m glad. I’m afraid that room doesn’t see much use. And I’m sorry about your costume.” Chris answered. “I can’t imagine it was comfortable to sleep in, but I thought it best to- ah- leave it on you. I hope that was the right decision.”

An unwelcome tingle of arousal makes you shiver.

“Definitely the right decision.” Nicky answered.

Is the man trying to kill me?

You clear you throat , shaking the sexy thoughts from your mind.

“Sorry I just kind of ... fell asleep on you last night.” Nicky answered.

Chris laughs.

“You clearly have no head for drink.” Chris answered.

“It’s more a factor of usually being in bed well before midnight!” Nicky answered.

“Ah. I fear I can’t relate. I’ve always been a bit of an insomniac myself.” Chris answered.

“Have you spoken to your primary physician about that?” Nicky answered.

Chris arches an elegant brow.

“Right. None of my doctory beeswax.” Nicky answered.

“No. But I’m touched that you care.” Chris answered.

“I’m....glad you think so. Because I know it can be kind of annoying.”Nicky answered.

“It’s not.” Chris answered. “It’s nice having you here. I don’t usually have company in the mornings.”

Your eyes flick over to the heavy drapes blocking out the morning sun.

Poor Chris . I hate that I have to rush out on him.

“Thank you for having me, but...I should get going. It’s a workday for me. I need to get home and get ready for my appointments.” Nicky answered.

Chris raises from the piano.

“Won’t you stay just a bit longer?” Chris answered.

“Chris...”Nicky answered.

“Just a cup of coffee. What do you say?” Chris answered.

You go over your morning schedule in your head.

Coffee wouldn’t take long. I could spend a little more time with Chris and still get ready in time for work.

“I have time for coffee.” Nicky answered.

You let out a laugh of surprise as Chris pulls you into abrupt hug and then follow him into the kitchen.

The room is just as dim grey as it was before, but it seems less gloomy with Chris inside. He bypasses the coffee pot and pulls a French press out of an otherwise empty cabinet.

“You would be that bougie!” Nicky answered with a smile.

“A man needs to have standards.” Chris answered.

You drink your coffee slowly, talking about nothing in particular and enjoying each other’s company.

Is this what dating Chris would be like? Spending every morning with a sweet, gorgeous man who makes me fancy coffee? That doesn’t sound bad at all.

The time passes quickly, and soon you really do have to go.

You summon a ride, and Chris escorts you to the front door as the driver approaches.

“Thank you for spending the morning with me, Nicky.” Chris answered.

“We should do it again sometime.” Nicky answers.

You press a soft kiss to Chris’s cheek.

“Goodbye, Chris . I’ll see you around.” Nicky answers.

He takes your hand before you can open the door.

“Can we do it again?” Chris answered. “After spending last night chasing donations, I feel like I owe you a real date. Only if you’d be interested, of course. I wouldn’t want to presume-“.

“Chris... I’d love to go on a real date with you.” Nicky answered. “Later this week?”.

He smiles , and you feel a rush of lightheadedness that has nothing to do with your lack of sleep.

“That would be perfect.” Chris answered with a smile.

You reach for the door again,

“Wait!” Chris answered.

“Chris, I really have to-“ Nicky answered. The words are muffled as Chris presses his lips to yours. His kiss is chaste, but desire courses through your veins all the same. You wind you arms around his neck, kissing him fervently. His tongue plays at the seam of your lips, and you part them eagerly for him, greeting his tongue with your own.

“Mmm..”Nicky moaned.

He holds you close, his body flush against yours as he kisses you hungrily. You moan, content for the moment to stretch on forever... and jump as a horn blast communicates your ride’s impatience. You step out of Chris’s arms, your cheeks burning.

“You make it hard to leave, I’ll give you that.” Nicky answered.

“Then don’t leave.” Chris answered.

“I have to. See you soon?”Nicky answered.

Chris nods resignedly, and you give him one last kiss before slipping out the door.

After your final appointment that afternoon, a sudden burst of motivation carries you to your storage room.

This is where I’ve kept all of Clare’s things since she died. It hurts too much to look at them.

Now you unpack box after box, examining the priceless treasures within.

Clare’s sketchbooks. Her paintings . Her high school yearbooks....

You open a photo album to a shot of you, Clare, and Denise looking happy and carefree, and you smile wistfully.

If only .... I’d been old enough to help Clare. I didn’t understand at the time just how vulnerable she was. If I had , maybe I could have saved her from Adrian.

And you think of the man who ruined at all. Clare’s boyfriend . The love of her life, supposedly.

Adrian. His name was Adrian.

For a man you never met, Adrian has cast a long shadow over your life.

He took Clare from us, and he became my symbol for everything to avoid in life: dependency, need, lack of control... it’s why all my relationships have been so superficial. But now, with Chris...

Your cheeks warm as you remember the kiss this morning.

He’s not like anyone else I’ve ever met. Clare’s art should never have been gathering dust in here. It should be displayed all through the house to honor her memory.

You select a dozen canvases, and set them aside to take to a framer. Your phone vibrates with a text from Denise .

*text messages*

“Huge portrait exhibit at the museum this weekend! Wanna come with me and Tim?” Denise text.

“That sounds...fun.” Nicky text.

“I haven’t been to the museum in ages. Count me in.” Nicky text.

“YAAAAYY! Denise text.

“You should invite Chris, too. Art museums can be romantic..;). “ Denise text.

It sounds like Denise been spending too much time with Judith.

“You know what? That sounds like a great idea.” Nicky text.

*end of text messages*

You agree on a time and shoot a message to Chris.

It’s time to focus on the future.

A future that might just include a relationship with Chris Evans.

When you’re done with work on Friday, you feel utterly exhausted.

I’m excited to go to a museum with everyone..especially Chris.

That thought clings to you as drift off to sleep.

*dream sequence **

You’re in a museum, full of statues depicting knights in shining armor in battle.

I’m lucid dreaming again.

You walk up to one of the suits of armor.

“Hello there.” Nicky answered.

The knight tilts his head at you in acknowledgment.

“Oh, wow.” Nicky answered in shock.

Then, you notice all the knights shift to look at you.

“This is strange... but I’m not frightened.” Nicky answered.

“Is that wise.” Chris answered.

With a gasp, you whirl around to face the voice.

“Chris! What are you doing here? Our date isn’t until tomorrow.” Nicky answered in shock.

He steps closer to you and reaches out, stroking your cheek.

Then, everything shifts.

“A battlefield?”Nicky answered.

You turn around and see Chris dressed in knight’s clothing. Shadows of the knights close in on you, and Chris draws a sword.

“Give us the girl.” Knight answered.

“Never.” Chris answers.

Chris swings his sword and fights them off, moving smoothly and gracefully, almost like a dance.

“Chris! Watch out!” Nicky yelled.

He heads your warning, easily dodging around the knights. The battle stills, and Chris turns back to you.

“Are you frightened, Nicky?” Chris answered.

You barely need to think about the question.

“No.” Nicky answered. “I’m not afraid of you.”

He drops his sword and strides over to you. The defeated knights circle in, keeping their distance as they watch you both.

“You should be.” Chris answered.

Chris strokes your face with his hand, smearing mud across your cheek.

“Too bad for you.” Nicky answered.

He growls, wrapping an arm around your waist and hugging you close to his body. The force of it sends a thrill through you. Then, he claims your mouth in a heated, possessive kiss. You surrender to him easily, melting into his touch.

“Nicky...” Chris answered.

You feel the muddied ground on your feet, but you don’t care. You tug him closer, and he begins to lower you to the ground. Dirt and mud surround you as he claims your mouth with an animalistic want.

“The knights are still watching us.” Nicky answered.

“Does that bother you, Nicky?” Chris answered. “Does it bother you that I want to take you here, for all of them to see?”

“...yes.” Nicky answered blushing. “It... it does. It’s embarrassing.

Chris smiles fondly.

“Adorable.” Chris answered.

He pushes you further into the mud and you feel it cushion you, wet and filthy.

“I want you, Nicky.” Chris answered. “I want them all to see us.”

Desire courses through you, filling every inch of your body.

“What do you want, Nicky?” Chris answered.

You swallow, feeling the mud in hair, dirtying your clothes. The knights look on.

“Chris...I want you to fuck me here for all to see.” Nicky answered.

Chris growls, crashing his mouth to yours. You moan into him, and he takes advantage of your open mouth to plunge his tongue inside you. He explores your mouth like a man starved.

“Too many clothes..” Nicky answered.

He grunts and tears your clothes off as if they were made of paper. You gasp, your nipples hardening as they meet the cold air.

“C-Chris....” Nicky whispers.

“Are they watching, Nicky?” Chris answered.

You look to the side and see the knights are even closer than before, watching every move.

“Y-yes.” Nicky answered.

“Good.” Chris answered.

Chris takes his cock out and rubs it over your exposed, wet entrance.

“Oh, God.” Nicky squealed.

“So wet, Nicky.” Chris answered.

Then, without ceremony, he plunges into you. Groaning, he takes you roughly, his thrusts fast and hard as he pumps his cock in and out of you. Frantically, you move your hips to meet his hard thrusts, desperate for more friction.

“God, Nicky.” Chris answered

You moan, looking around to see the knights around you, their cocks hard in their trousers.

“They’re watching, Chris.” Nicky answered.

“I want them to see more of you.” Chris answered.

He pulls out of you and you whimper.

“I want you on your hands and knees, Nicky. I want them to see your face as I take you.” Chris answered.

“Chris...take me from behind.” Nicky answers.

Chris flips you over easily, exposing your ass to him. Mud is everywhere, wet and squelching. You look up, seeing the knights stroking their cocks as they watch.

“Look how beautiful you are, Nicky. They can’t help themselves.” Chris answered.

He pushes you into the mud so your ass is up in air, his thrusts just as merciless as before. Then he plunges into you again, and you scream in pleasure. The knights watch as they stroke themselves, faster and faster.

“Are you going to come, Nicky?”Chris answered.

“Y-yes. Oh, God, yes.” Nicky answered.

“Come, then.” Chris answered.

He thrusts harder, faster , until all you can do is scream his name.

“Chris...Chris!” Nicky answered.

And just like that, you come undone.

“Nicky....” Chris answered.

The knights around you all finished just as Chris comes inside you, spilling his hot seed everywhere. You collapse on the ground, and he lays himself on top of you. You’re both panting,exhausted and sated. You both lay there in the mud, filthy and sated.

“You did beautifully, Nicky.” Chris answered.

Chris kisses your neck gently, and you moan.

“You deserve to be treated like a princess after that.” Chris answered.”which is exactly what we’ll do.”

“What do you mean?” Nicky answered.

And just like that, the mud and dirty battleground disappear. You find yourself pristine,dressed like royalty.

“What?” Nicky answered in shock.

And then Chris appears, dressed like a gentleman.

“Hello, your highness.” Chris answered.

He gives you a bow, and then you see them. A second Chris, identically gorgeous.

“Are you ready to be treated like a princess?” Chris answered.

*end of dream sequence *

@denisemarieangelina @joannaliceevans-fanficblog @daliaevans @waywardodysseys @pine-fresh-kirk @jtargaryen18 @et-lesailes @patzammit @katiew1973 @thatgirly81 @mizcaptainphoenix @deidrashouseofpain @ohmy-captain @what-is-your-plan-today @star-spangled-beard-burn @worksby-d @wintrcaptn @captain-rogers-beard @comebackandhauntme21 @jms358 @captainchrisstan @captainchrisfics @branflakes82 @nbarnes @amazonx @americasass91 @thatsxamericasxass @sweater-daddiesdumbdork @enigma2112 @bellaireland1981 @brilliantkey @trishevans @littlefiercequeen @princess-evans-addict @shellbilee @nomadevans82 @artemisrogersbarnes @artisticrogers1972 @kellyn1604 @kelbabyblue @kailyndavillier @bit-of-a-timelord @southerngracela @denissjmaddox @whiskey-cokenfanfic @kayteewritessteve @imanuglywombat @mery-be @optimistic-dinosaur-nacho @shadowcatsworld

Reviewing time for MAG165! X_X

- I really wasn’t expecting to hear the calliope music again one day! That took me back to the end of season 3 – it felt like another (successful) Unknowing, a glimpse of what would have happened if the Circus had pulled through in MAG118/MAG119?

Also, confirmation that Tim definitely got his revenge and blew up the Circus to pieces, including Grimaldi/Nikola:

(MAG165) ARCHIVIST: [LOW] I’m hoping if we’re quick, we can avoid her notice. MARTIN: “Her”? [SILENCE] J–Jon, please, don’t tell me there’s an evil clown doll down there– ARCHIVIST: No– MARTIN: –because… ARCHIVIST: N–no, Nikola died with The Unknowing; it’s, uh… [INHALE] An old friend.

At least, Tim got that T__T

- The pattern of beginning the statement with “There is…” already got broken with this one:

(MAG162) ARCHIVIST: … Wha…? [STATIC REACHING A PEAK] … “There is a place, deep in the heart of Fear, where you trap yourself and claim that it is safety. [STATIC DECREASES] It was once a cabin, and professes still to be such, but as with all in this new world that promises respite… it is a trap.”

(MAG163) ARCHIVIST: … Alright, then. [INHALE] [SIGH] [STATIC RISES] “There is a wound in the earth. [STATIC DECREASES] A bayonet gouge, scored through the soft and sodden mud for uncounted miles. A trench that marks the front line of a war that has no name. It has always been raging, deep in the hearts of the powerful and those that thirst to see bodies piled high in their name.”

(MAG164) ARCHIVIST: “There is a sickness in this village. Perhaps you would not see it from a distance and the faint sting of rot on the breeze is easy enough to dismiss; but as you get closer, that infectious feeling of wrongness is harder and harder to shake. The grass is not the green of nature, the buildings are warped by more than age, and the voices that come from behind the inhabitants’ masks… are hoarse, and wet. They move with exaggerated casualness, a parody of idyllic village life.”

(MAG165) ARCHIVIST: [INHALE] … Right. [STATIC RISES] “Your face is not your face is not your face [STATIC DECREASES AND FADES] around the curling carousel, it twists in place to take from you and all the tattered stolen souls whose sense of ‘me’ is swollen and distended into nothing.

Could be because The Stranger (/the Circus/identity thieves/I-Do-Not-Know-You) is Like That and can’t conform to little boxes, or could be because there isn’t really a “pattern” to begin with, we’ll see with the next nightmare pockets.

Consistency-wise: the use of “you” (as a way to include/pull the listeners in?) went through the roof, but was understandable – “you” is “something/someone who isn’t me, in front of me”, and doesn’t need to be as personified as third person. Jon once again used “End recording” at the end of the ~statement~, which is… a reminder that 1°) these aren’t really statements as we knew them (Jon has never labelled them as such; actually, the only times characters have mentioned “statement(s)” this season were dead people mentioning them in the tapes Jon was listening to in the first two episodes); 2°) there is still that recording/pouring-into-the-tapes thing going on, that Jon is aware of, even if the tapes weren’t relevant in this episode for themselves. Unclear whether Jon had any influence on the tape recorder clicking on both times in the episode, or whether it autonomously reacted to stuff (Jon&Martin approaching the Merry-Go-Round, Jon&Martin walking along the edge of it while the Not!Them was coming close… or just because Jon&Martin were chatting about personal things?).

Still *squint* at what the heck is happening thanks to/through the tape recorders at the moment – it still reminds me of Albrecht von Closen pouring out his stories to Jonathan Fanshawe, there is still the possibility that Jon is feeding the tapes themselves to create something even worse, and mmmmm… (New kinds of Leitner books?)

- I’ve already forgotten almost everything I used to know about English poetry, but lots of iambic constructions (up and down) combined with lots of ternary syntactic structures (round, circularity)? My references are mostly French, but the work on sounds really reminded me of Antonin Artaud’s – though way faster, fittingly, since it was also a relentless chase in which selves kept getting stolen and lost (and so was my attention). Beautiful piece, but ooft did it keep losing me before I was picked back up and forced to run with the words again.

Lots of themes that we had seen with the Circus in previous manifestations:

(MAG119) ARCHIVIST: Yes… Yes, I s… I see the sad clown, b–bitter and hateful. I see him finding his way into a ci–circus where nobody knew him. I see him torn apart, becoming the mask, remade by a… a cruel ringmaster. Sometimes a doll, sometimes a mannequin, always hiding in somebody else’s skin. Somebody else’s name. NIKOLA: Not always, and it’s far too late for any of that. Nothing you see can help you. […] Tim… TIM: … Grimaldi. NIKOLA: Once, a long time ago, before Orsinov made me. And sometimes, even now, on special occasions. Like your brother!

(MAG128, Breekon) “When we left our destination, the mule whining at the new weight behind it, he would reach behind us and find a face, sagging, sloughing off its skull, and would pull it to him. He’d place it over the one he wore already, and he would laugh, and laugh, and laugh. Sometimes it fell off. Sometimes it stayed for weeks. I kept the face we chose, but I loved him for our levity, and the corpses piled ever higher. […] But with the Circus we were amongst our own kind at last. They all had names, true enough, but none would dare pretend that names were real. Faces changed more often than clothes, and nobody truly knew who anybody was, save for their function within the show. […] We didn’t like the puppet, when Orsinov began to carve it. It seemed wrong to us to try and bring one like us about; to create or remake it in such a solid, static shape. We were wrong, of course. When Orsinov carved into the thing that had once called itself Grimaldi, and fed the pieces they didn’t need to the shuddering organist, even we found ourselves impressed. And when the faceless puppet peeled its creator and moved itself with their tendon strings, he looked at me… and laughed… and laughed…”

Identity loss, the loss of self, permutability. But it’s interesting that it fit so well to the other Circus members we had encountered and… still was incredibly Hunt-y, with the premise of an ongoing chase where the victims become the new mob of predators (who may become victims once again if they are successful, etc.), taking place in a circular space, where things can never truly end. Really reminiscent of the concept of The Everchase, I feel? Fears bleeding into each other, etc.

(There could be something about a “(word) chain” of Fears, since MAG163 was mostly Slaughter/War and had bits of Corruption with the medical malpractices, then MAG164 was Corruption with what was identified as “strangers” being targeted more heavily, then MAG165 being Stranger with very a Hunt logic, which would lead to MAG166 going for Hunt… But I’m not really feeling it.)

- It wasn’t clear in MAG164, but this one also made explicit that people in the nightmares can’t really die-die – either they seem to respawn (or get stuck in a nightmare inside of a nightmare inside of a nightmare etc.?), either they just… can’t:

(MAG163) ARCHIVIST: “There is a rumbling in the earth around him, as a tank speeds along its unstoppable path, and Charlie is immediately pulled under its tread. He has a moment of shocked horror, before being reduced to a smear in the mud. […] Next to his bleeding corpse, Charlie wakes from what passes for sleep in this place. A sergeant is yelling at him, screaming for him to take his gun and get into the waiting transport.”

(MAG165) ARCHIVIST: “And so they fall to frantic terror and conflict, just as vicious as it was when it was bearing down on you. You lie there in the fugue of vivid pain and feel that gentle rain from violence overhead, as some fall dead or close as this place lets you lie, for truly thus to die would be too eager an escape; and listen to the ebb and swell of slow, melodic wail that well you know conducts the flowing rhythm laced into this endless, faceless dance.”

Does The End feel cheated, or is the fear of dying (or the fear of not being allowed to die) enough to feed it? Will we meet a pocket mostly dominated by a facet of The End…?

- I wonder if we’ll meet people not yet taken by a “place” since we got a couple mentions of an outside/inside and people still coming in…

(MAG164) ARCHIVIST: “And people do still come to the village, for however thick the paranoia, however terrible the disease, there are worse things beyond.”

(MAG165) ARCHIVIST: “But no, for all the dreams of bounding, leaping off into the great Unknown, you see the ring of broken mewling wretches who have shown the sting that comes with such rejection of the truth, so seldom spoken yet inside you all, that there is no – way – off the merry-go-round. […] It’s not the same as what you had when first you climbed the brightly painted stairs, but not the worst “who” you have been.”

Are the places making people feel like they could leave/that there are newcomers, when they’ve actually been stuck here forever? Or are there people who are still “free” until they’re taken by one of the places? (I mean, outside of main characters: we already know that Daisy is tearing through these places, and that Basira is following her (though that… sounds like a Hunt nightmare in itself), and Jon was unable to tell where Melanie&Georgie were – so unless they’ve been taken by a Dark nightmare, they’re probably outside of the boxes somehow.)

- I’m still trying to narrow down what is making me feel uneasy this season so far, and it’s sadly not something that will be warned for in the content warnings: it’s… about the whole ideology regarding free-will, agency, guilt and responsibility.

So far, all the “nightmares” we have encountered made it clear that it was, yes, people prisoners of a nightmare tailored to make them suffer, but also in which… most of the violence was committed by people against people:

(MAG162) ARCHIVIST: “Something moves outside, struggling to crawl upon a hundred reaching grasping hands. It shudders, and grips the earth, pulling itself along as nails rip free and skin scrapes loose. It is afraid of what it has become, and where it might be going. […] Outside, it is raining. Heavy drops fall, ice-cold and laced with salt; tears of voyeuristic delight from The Eyes that see and drink in all – it sinks into the dry cracked ground, and from the mud faces struggle to push themselves free and breathe. [WOODEN CREAKING SOUND] They cannot breach the surface, as the slick soil flows down their throats.

(MAG163) ARCHIVIST: “Ishaan had been afraid, terrified that they were going to strap him to it, pin him to the Goliath’s hull like all the other flayed flags of war, striking fear into the hearts of the enemy. But instead they fed him to it, tossed him into its burning innards and sealed the hatch behind him. Now, his body has contorted itself to fit, his fingers clutched around the firing lever; pulling it frantically is the only thing that will reduce the impossible heat even for a moment. From the tiny slit in the metal, he can see other soldiers: baby-faced friends and the monstrous, pig-faced enemy, both falling beneath his iron coffin’s advance. He tries to cry, but his tears turn to steam. […] Hasanna’s eyes fall on the entrance to the tent, and she sees the line of civilians, stretching away into the distance. They are no less maimed, their agonies no more bearable; but there is simply no room. She tries to apologise – but instead, she closes the tent. […] Far in the distance, she sees Alexei look out over the battlefield, and her stomach turns at the detestable wrongness of his face. Alexei in turn looks out from deep in the trench. He catches sight of the enemy, their shrivelled rat-like heads causing the bile to rise in his throat.”

(MAG164) ARCHIVIST: “It is, alas, those who are unblemished that suffer worst. So incomprehensible is it that any from outside could be clean, that there might be another source or vector, the inspectors devise another theory: an invisible infection. A hundred Typhoid Marys spreading mildew and decay. […] For no one would speak up if Gillian Smith were to mark you infected, or declare you foreign. No one would lift a finger as they dragged you to the green. […] What Mrs Kim is… is scared. Scared of her neighbours, scared of her friends, scared of the moment when someone will smell the spreading patch of darkness on her back and decide she is infected, or remember she has only been in the village since her grandfather’s day, and judge her to be an outsider. Should she accuse someone else? Send them to the village green? Perhaps she might petition to join the council, though that would invite their attention as much as anything might. Even through the masks, Mrs Kim knows the looks she gets in the pub; but what can she do? When she hears the shouts outside and sees the smoke pouring from the thatched roof, she knows it is too late.”

(MAG165) ARCHIVIST: “The world in which the carousel will twirl is not the hollow hell you fear; it is the world. Just the world. A world where if you’d wish to have a name, it must be stolen, carved and pulled full-bloody from the frame of others who would wish in vain to hold their selfness close. You want a face? Take it. There are so many here; and those who cannot hold them, well, whoever chose to give them such a gift must take the blame, knowing they could never keep it in a world of so much thieving strangeness. […] You feel the last of names and “who” you might have been be torn away and borne towards new bodies. New pages, blank; determined to be people. […] then comes the briefest flash that surely now it’s done, so much, perhaps… the pain will be somewhat lessened. There’s no way it could hurt as much as you remember. But it does. And so of course, you scream, and scream; and curses, foul, obscene will tumble garbled over where there once sat other people’s lips or yours now gone, and teeth that once shone yellowed ivory a crimson in the flowing sanguine flood. And as you lie in agonies and fading dreams of personhood, of knowing who you were and what that might have meant, you hear the bitter whisper of recriminating seekers, who have found the treasure of their eager dreams, but see, it seems there’s not enough… for all. And so they fall to frantic terror and conflict, just as vicious as it was when it was bearing down on you. […] You are, of course, a faceless thing as well, and so should quickly match the pace of those who chase the self-same prey. But now, it is too late, they’ve gone. Their chase will not abate until their former friend is ripped apart in turn. And you have learned to wait. For there are many faces out upon the carousel, and many names that you might be. So bide your time a while and wait the coming of another one whose fate and face might sit upon your grinning carmine skull.

And I feel like there has been a shift compared to statements in previous seasons: it used to be monsters or eldritch things going after people, but we also got people trapped in these oppressive systems, who could have chosen their survival over others’… and still said “no”. Is that even possible in the nightmares? Are we assuming that people are constantly remade in order to keep the circles of violence going (in order to serve them) and that it’s going past a mere influence, that it’s erasing any responsibility in their actions? Or is it still an individual choice and are we heading towards the idea that anyone (or 99.99% of people) would choose to inflict direct violence against others if it means lessening their own pain? (I’m honestly super uncomfy about the latter idea, because it feels bleak and edgy to me, because it’s hard to forget that in this reasoning, marginalised people would always have it worse, and because it narratively feels like “cheating” to have Jon&Martin on the frontline, who are super fluffy and obviously wouldn’t push the other under a bus for their survival… while other people would just be eh, people. ;;) In summary: can people currently be held accountable for their actions, in the same way Daisy took responsibility for her Hunt-influenced actions, or are they deprived of any choice?

Interesting, though, is that in these nightmares, we… have never seen families or groups of friends, so far (Charlie had one, who seemed to exist just to get killed? The fungus village had neighbours who didn’t seem to know much about each other?). It feels like in rewriting reality, the Fears have also isolated people, fractured their previous social links to impose new “societies” with their own rules and mechanisms? Jon, at least, still labels them as “victims” even when aware of what is happening:

(MAG165) MARTIN: Because, uh… [LOWER] I really don’t like the look of those riders. ARCHIVIST: Would you believe me if I said they were the victims? MARTIN: … At this point, I’m not even surprised.

But I’m kind of wary and expecting an argument to be made about how Human Nature Is Fundamentally Selfish or something like this, precisely when The Web is lurking around and had such a knack for the theme of free will… ;;

- What does Jon know that he’s not sharing with Martin? He confirmed that they needed to “experience” these places to reach the Panopticon:

(MAG162) ARCHIVIST: Martin… It’s going to be a hard journey. MARTIN: [RELIEVED EXHALE] ARCHIVIST: One– MARTIN: Yeah, yeah, yeah– ARCHIVIST: –in which we… MARTIN: –so, I’ve actually had a couple of bags packed for a while, now! [HEAVY ITEM DROPPED] ARCHIVIST: Oh! MARTIN: And, I found some rope in the attic, and I packed that with the maps.

(MAG163) ARCHIVIST: And if you walk towards it, eventually you’ll get there. But you have to go through everything in-between. […] Nightmares. [BANG IN THE DISTANCE] Come on – that trench is our first. […] MARTIN: Jon… I’m scared. ARCHIVIST: … Yes… That’s the idea…!

(MAG164) ARCHIVIST: We’re fine. MARTIN: A–are we? I mean, that place is– … I don’t, I don’t feel fine, okay, and you were there a long time doing your… y–you–your guidebook, which, you know, I get it, but that place is… I–it’s–it’s infectious, and, I don’t– ARCHIVIST: We’re not infected, Martin, that place, it– … It isn’t for us.

(MAG165) MARTIN: But. You said we needed to go through these places. … Is that even going to work here? ARCHIVIST: Uh… [EXHALE] We need to go through them… metaphorically. MARTIN: Mm… ! ARCHIVIST: Psychologically, we need to… “experience” them. MARTIN: Hm! [SILENCE] D’you think we could get that experience just… walking along the edge?

And his explanation of what they need to do is getting a bit more precise every time.

* It’s not only about Jon experiencing the places, it’s about them experiencing the places. Makes sense since they’re on a journey to the Panopticon, but still interesting: Jon gets overwhelmed by the places to the point of needing to do his “guidebook”; Martin doesn’t, past his discomfort/casual fears, but it’s working anyway. What is happening with Jon…?

* Fear.jpg because “experiencing” them had been mentioned by Elias/Jonah as a way to prepare Jon towards his goals:

(MAG092) ELIAS: [SIGH] What are you? ARCHIVIST: I… The Archivist. ELIAS: Precisely. It is your job to chronicle these things, to experience them, whether first-hand or through the eyes of others. To simply be told, well… ARCHIVIST: It doesn’t please your master? ELIAS: Our master, Jon.

(MAG160, Jonah Magnus) “Because the thing about the Archivist is that… well: it’s a bit of a misnomer. It might, perhaps, be better named “the Archive”. Because you do not administer and preserve the records of fear, Jon – you are a record of fear. Both in mind, as you walk the shuddering dread of each statement; and in body, as the Powers each leave their mark upon you. You are a living chronicle of terror.”

So what is happening exactly…? Is it because Jon simply needs to “experience” the various layers of the new world before reaching the centre of the storm? Are these steps actually “undoing” — or furthering — something…?

- Also confirmation that Martin&Jon seem immune to what is happening, as long as they don’t push their luck:

(MAG161) MARTIN: … Are we still safe? ARCHIVIST: Y–yes, it… it doesn’t want to harm me. MARTIN: And me? ARCHIVIST: I won’t let it.

(MAG163) MARTIN: Good. Good. [SILENCE PUNCTUATED BY PANTING] … J–J–Jon, Jon, w–we’re not alone. ARCHIVIST: I–ignore them, they’re not… Just ignore them. MARTIN: … They’re not… real? [VOICES SHOUTING IN THE DISTANCE] ARCHIVIST: [MIRTHLESS CHUCKLING] No…! They’re real; they were… normal people before the– … Before me. But now they’re here, meat for the grinder. I just mean there’s no point… talking to them. MARTIN: Don’t be a prick, Jon. Hey! I’m, I’m sorry about him. He’s–he’s going through a lot – well… we all are, I suppose, but well… “Hi”, I guess. [SILENCE] Hello? ARCHIVIST: They won’t hear you, Martin, they’re all… too busy waiting to die.

(MAG165) ARCHIVIST: Either way, best not to actually climb onto the thing, if we could help it. […] MARTIN: You, you sure? [CHUCKLING] I could speak to an attendant! ARCHIVIST: [CAUTIOUS] I would advise against doing that. […] MARTIN: Jon, do we– do we need to run? NOT!SASHA: Oh, yes, Martin, you very much do. I’ll even give you a head start! ARCHIVIST: [CHUCKLE] MARTIN: … Jon? ARCHIVIST: You’re bold! [FOOTSTEPS] I’ll give you that. NOT!SASHA: [HISSING] Last chance…! ARCHIVIST: Desperate for one last morsel of terror from us? NOT!SASHA: [HISSES] ARCHIVIST: [CHUCKLE] A final sip, and then we’re gone! Somehow we manage to keep just ahead of you and get away. NOT!SASHA: [SNARLS] ARCHIVIST: God forbid you actually catch us. NOT!SASHA: [FURIOUS SNARLS] ARCHIVIST: Doesn’t bear thinking about…! MARTIN: Jon, what are you talking about? NOT!SASHA: [FURIOUS SNARLS] ARCHIVIST: She can’t touch us. We’re so far beyond her now. NOT!SASHA: [FURIOUS SNARLS] ARCHIVIST: She’s just like everything else here, ruled by The Eye. [CHUCKLING] And she hates it…!

Is it only because Jon is the Archivist, is it thanks to their connection to the Institute/the Eye (… after all, Basira apparently wasn’t taken)? What would happen to Martin if he were to be separated from Jon?

Also curious that both the Not!Them and The Distortion are what I would label “monsters” (as Martin&Simon did in MAG151), and yet the Not!Them was shown trapped… and Helen is roaming free. Did The Distortion lie about its own contentment in the new world? Did it get a better seat thanks to its connection to the Institute, since its Door had often appeared in the tunnels? (Helen had told Jon that this is how she knew a bit more about the tunnels, back in season 4.)

- Martin’s poetry is back as a theme! (Not included: Tim recording over one of Martin’s poems in MAG079.)

(MAG042) ARCHIVIST: I’m glad [Martin]’s moved out of the Archives, as it gives me a chance to work here without his constant presence. Also because he managed to leave some of his possessions behind. For the most part it’s just a few books of… relatively awful poetry… There are a few pieces I feel could almost have been affecting if his style wasn’t so obviously enamoured with Keats […].

(MAG124) MARTIN: Uh, yeah. Yeah, no, I’m… I’m alright, uh… Everything’s… fine. ARCHIVIST: … Right. Hum. … H–how’s… How–how’s the poetry? MARTIN: Oh, uh– Well, I haven’t… exactly had a lot of time recently, so… ARCHIVIST: Yes, uh… Of course… MARTIN: Hm. ARCHIVIST: You’ve been busy. MARTIN: Yeah. ARCHIVIST: …

(MAG165) MARTIN: So was it any good? ARCHIVIST: U–uh… What do you mean? MARTIN: Was it a good poem? ARCHIVIST: I don’t know! “No”? You’re the poetry expert, Martin, not me…! MARTIN: Well, did it stir any feeling in you? ARCHIVIST: Yes! “Nausea”. Because of the horrible things in it! MARTIN: That’s not quite what I meant. ARCHIVIST: Then I don’t know what you mean, Martin, I’m not a poetry person, I don’t… “get it”. I never have. MARTIN: That’s… That’s fine, I understand…! ARCHIVIST: Look. I’m better than I was; I used to think all poetry was bad. MARTIN: Sorry, what?! ARCHIVIST: I mean, I just thought of… [SIGH] I sort of thought it was pointless! Just… write some prose and stop… wasting everyone’s time! MARTIN: Hm! What changed? ARCHIVIST: I don’t know, I just… mellowed on it, I suppose. MARTIN: That’s… kind of weird. ARCHIVIST: In my defence, there is a lot of bad poetry out there.

* With this new information: it’s actually BIG from Jon that he had qualified Martin’s poetry as “almost affecting” given his personal feelings about poetry in general.

* Obviously, I want to tease Jon mercilessly about the idea that he began to mellow down on poetry since someone he was developing a crush on liked it so much… But also, just simply, people’s tastes change.

* … Okay, so if Jon managed to survive uni without getting poetry at all, either he did really well besides that, either it rules out that his degree might have been in literature. (History could fit him well?)

* … I find it interesting how Martin somehow managed to… not say anything about himself in this episode? We learned a few things about Jon – that he had fond memories of the London Zoo carousel, that he was in a bad mental space at a point before the Institute (break-up with Georgie? Being thrown in a new city for his academic studies, leaving Bournemouth? “Regular” student stress?), that he doesn’t get poetry but that his opinion has changed on it a bit.

(MAG165) ARCHIVIST: Either way, best not to actually climb onto the thing, if we could help it. MARTIN: Fine – by – me, eh! Never really liked merry-go-rounds anyway. ARCHIVIST: No? You… gone on any recently? MARTIN: What? Uh– No, I don’t think so, not since I was a kid. ARCHIVIST: Hm! I actually, uh… There’s one at London Zoo – uh, was one at London Zoo. Big old thing. Went quite fast, actually, su–… [CHUCKLE] Surprisingly thrilling. MARTIN: [BURSTS OUT LAUGHING] ARCHIVIST: What? MARTIN: Seriously? ARCHIVIST: It was years back, before the Institute, I… I was in a weird place. Had a good time, though! MARTIN: [CHUCKLES] Well! ARCHIVIST: I mean, obviously I wouldn’t want to ride this one, we’ve got… quite enough thrills already. MARTIN: You, you sure? [CHUCKLING] I could speak to an attendant! ARCHIVIST: [CAUTIOUS] I would advise against doing that. [SILENCE]

But Martin? Asked questions for Jon to answer, but managed to avoid having to tell anything about his own past. It’s not really surprising, it’s kinda fitting – Martin has probably got into the habit of not telling much about himself because of his fake credentials and his fake age? But still, I wonder if he will talk about himself at some point��� (I still feel like we’re missing his own perspective on his mother or Tim, for example, since these subjects were mostly mentioned by other people and Martin only even mentioned his mother’s death when he poured his heart out at Peter&Elias in MAG158).

- I randomly really really love Martin’s nasal “Fine by me”:

(MAG102) ARCHIVIST: What about Daisy? MARTIN: Don’t see her much. Which is fine by me. [UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE]

(MAG165) ARCHIVIST: Either way, best not to actually climb onto the thing, if we could help it. MARTIN: Fine – by – me, eh! Never really liked merry-go-rounds anyway.

Martin…

- … So, hearing Not!Sasha like this confirms that she didn’t “take” Julia or Trevor! (I guess that one of them could have died from her attack or Daisy’s, but… at the very least, the Not!Them didn’t take on a new identity through them.)

- There are various ways of interpreting what the Not!Them said about Martin:

(MAG165) NOT!SASHA: And what if I let you choose this time, which one of you would I wear next? Martin looks very comfortable, positively roomy; oh, wouldn’t you agree, Archivist~?

… and my favourites are either that Martin indeed big, either she was making a tease about them (aND THEY’VE BEEN ROOMMATES).

- Jon Has Upgraded – the Not!Them used to call him “Jon” as a taunt, and now…

(MAG078) NOT!SASHA (HEAVILY DISTORTED, DISTANT): Jooooonnnn… ARCHIVIST: Er… I… [SOUND OF A CREAKY DOOR OPENING] MICHAEL: You – need – a door.

(MAG079) NOT!SASHA (DISTANT): Jooooonnnn… ARCHIVIST: Oh Christ. […] NOT!SASHA (DISTANT): Jooooon… Jooooon… Come out, come out, wherever you are. ARCHIVIST: [SCARED BREATHING] NOT!SASHA (DISTANT): It’s okay Jon; it’s Sasha. Reliable old Sasha. Nothing to be afraid of. … You seem stressed, Jon. You’ve been under a lot of pressure. You should talk about it. Have a real good chat. You like talking, don’t you, Jon? … I’m going to wear you, Jon. […] I’m glad we got a chance to run, Jon. It makes it so much more satisfying.

(MAG158) NOT!SASHA: [MUFFLED, HEAVILY DISTORTED] Jooo–ooon~! [SOUND OF STONE AND BRICK SHIFTING, LOUDER, THEN GRADUALLY STOPPING] NOT!SASHA: [HEAVILY DISTORTED] [PANTS] So you finally decided to let me out, Jon! Joooo–oooon~! … Who’s there? MARTIN: [PANICKED BREATHING] NOT!SASHA: Who let me out? [SILENCE] Don’t be shy. I just want to say thank you. [SILENCE] All right, have it your way. Now, if you’ll excuse me: I have some unfinished business. [MENACING SATISFIED LAUGHTER] […] [CRASHING SOUND] NOT!SASHA: Hello, Jon. DAISY: Oh, shit! ARCHIVIST: You gotta be fucking kidding m–

(MAG165) NOT!SASHA: Eh! My dearest colleagues…! MARTIN: Just get back! [THUMP] NOT!SASHA: I can’t believe you’d decide to pass through my neighbourhood and not say hello, to – dear – old – Sasha. ARCHIVIST: Just ignore it, Martin. NOT!SASHA: Oh, you wound me, Archivist. And we used to be so close! […] And what if I let you choose this time, which one of you would I wear next? Martin looks very comfortable, positively roomy; oh, wouldn’t you agree, Archivist~?

… it’s “Archivist”. He’s really had a special status/power-up, uh?

- So, The Distortion is having a blast in the new world (MAG164), or so it says… but it’s not fundamentally the case for all monsters/avatars out there. It makes sense for The Stranger since it had been presented as opposed to The Eye:

(MAG079) NOT!SASHA: So the monster got its friends to carry the table all around, and it still got to take faces and scare people. Then one day it was sent to the house of its enemy, which had the biggest eyes you ever did see. The monster was sent there to steal all its secrets, but it was sad because it couldn't scare anyone any more.

(MAG092) ELIAS: The Stranger is antithetical to us. ARCHIVIST: [SIGH HEAVILY] ELIAS: We thrive on ceaseless watching, on knowing too much. What we face is the hidden, the uncanny, and the unknown. If you are to stop them, you need to get better at seeing. And my explaining things is simply not enough.

(MAG119) SARAH: You… idiot! Do you really think the world will fare any better under the Watcher? You think you’re saving anyone?

(MAG165) ARCHIVIST: She’s just like everything else here, ruled by The Eye. [CHUCKLING] And she hates it…! NOT!SASHA: Well, of course you want to wallow in my shame like your voyeur master! Do you know how it feels? To be… anonymous, and yet known? To have all the sweetest dread I can create tainted by the relentless gaze of that damned Eye! I’ve suffered enough!

So people from the (survivors of the) cult of the Divine Host probably won’t be extremely happy about it either – we know that some were still roaming around, Jon had mentioned seeing people with the pendant at the beginning of season 4. Martin mentioned their lack of allies in MAG164, are we heading towards them getting some “help” from unsatisfied avatars…?

- ;; I said I would put the Not!Them amongst the “monsters”, but technically… the victims in the carousel felt like proto-Not!Them themselves? And Not!Sasha had enough reasoning to try to go into denial – pretending that it could still catch and hurt Jon&Martin, while it knew that it couldn’t anyway, but ready to create the illusion that it could. That’s some very human mental structure…

- Sob, but also:

(MAG165) ARCHIVIST: Pathetic. [SHRILL SCREAMS] Martin, let’s go. NOT!SASHA: Not as pathetic as your little friend when I ate her life…!

… I really like the description of what she did as “eating Sasha’s life”: it was not only that it killed her; it’s that it erased and reshaped her whole life as a memory and a possible influence on others…

- ;; I’m even happier that we got Sasha’s tapes at the beginning of season 5, because it brought her back as a presence, as an existence, and not only as the concept of “the friend we lost but can’t really remember”. The Not!Them getting killed closes a very long chapter: Sasha’s murder at the end of season 1, which was a wound that kept being reopened (Jon realising that she had died long ago, then Martin&Tim having to learn about it; Nikola teasing Jon about her during The Unknowing; the Not!Them getting freed during the season 4 climax), the fact that the Not!Them had been spotted and described as soon as in MAG003, and also… the first time we heard of Adelard Dekker was when he imprisoned it within the Web table?

I’m especially ;; that The Stranger regularly used Sasha’s murder against Jon, and that it has always been a sore spot… until he snapped:

(MAG079) NOT!SASHA (DISTANT): … I’m going to wear you, Jon. I’m going to wear everything you are. Like you never existed. Noone will even know. And it will hurt. Oh, yes, it will hurt. It hurt Sasha. ARCHIVIST: Shut up! NOT!SASHA (CLOSE AND DISTORTED): There you are. […] ARCHIVIST: [WHISPERING] I’m sorry. Martin, Tim… Sasha. I’m so sorry. I should have… I didn’t… I’m sorry. God, I’m so sorry.

(MAG096) ARCHIVIST: He was a–a tax inspector. He came here, and Daniel Rawlings, or his replacement, showed him something he claimed to be the oldest piece of taxidermy in the world. Gorilla skin from Carthage. SARAH: Heh, was this when you sent your “Sasha” to interrogate us? ARCHIVIST: Don’t you dare talk about– DAISY: Sims. Sims. Shut up and focus.

(MAG119) ARCHIVIST: Who are you?! NIKOLA: Who am I? Tim, of course! Who else would I be! ARCHIVIST: You’re not– you’re not… Tim. NIKOLA: Oh, you caught me~ I’m… Sasha! ARCHIVIST: Shut up! NIKOLA: No~! Really, it’s me! Sasha– whatever her name was! Back from the dead, just like you wanted~! ARCHIVIST: Get away from me, or, or I swear I’ll… I’ll…

I mean. Yes, if Jon had to lose his temper and go terrifying due to feelings, it would be about Sasha’s murder ;;

- It’s also jarring how Jon used to be terrorised and victimised by monsters, and took the upper hand this time: the dynamic between him and the Not!Them in this episode was an extreme reversal of what had happened at the end of season 2. I’m also curious about how “Jon using his powers against other monsters” has felt more and more threatening over time:

(MAG091) ARCHIVIST: What, I? I–I didn’t– [RUSTLING NOISES] Plea– Please don’t shoot me… [SOUNDS OF PANIC] [STATIC] W–why are you doing this? Tell me! [GURGLES MORE AS DAISY GRABS HIM ROUND THE THROAT] DAISY: Stop – asking – questions.

(MAG101) MICHAEL: I had hoped that you would stop the Unknowing first, destroy the workings of I-Do-Not-Know-You. But instead you are here, and may bring it about faster. So better your death happens now…! ARCHIVIST: I… [STATIC] Is there anything I can do to stop you from killing me? MICHAEL: [LAUGHS] If you scream loud enough the Circus may take notice of me, but… I promise you will die far more pleasantly with me than with them. [MORE LAUGHTER]

(MAG119) NIKOLA&GERTRUDE: A terrible new world and it’s all your fault. GERTRUDE&LEITNER: Though I suppose you never really had a chance ARCHIVIST: … I see you. NIKOLA: Do you, now? ARCHIVIST: Yes… Yes, I s… I see the sad clown, b–bitter and hateful. I see him finding his way into a ci–circus where nobody knew him. I see him torn apart, becoming the mask, remade by a… a cruel ringmaster. Sometimes a doll, sometimes a mannequin, always hiding in somebody else’s skin. Somebody else’s name. NIKOLA: Not always, and it’s far too late for any of that. Nothing you see can help you.

(MAG128) BASIRA: Get. Out. [STATIC RISES] BREEKON: Make. Me. [RATTLING SOUND] ARCHIVIST: Stop. [HIGH-PITCHED BUZZING SOUND OVER STATIC] BREEKON: What’re you doing? BASIRA: … Jon…? What are you doing? BREEKON: What’re you– Stop it… Stop it! ARCHIVIST: [ECHOING] No. BREEKON: [STRUGGLING, BUZZING INCREASES] Enough! Stop… looking at me! [SCREAMS] [DOOR SLAMMED OPEN, FLEEING FOOTSTEPS WHILE BREEKON IS STILL SCREAMING, DOOR SLAMMING SHUT] ARCHIVIST: [PANTS] [HIGH-PITCHED BUZZING SOUND FADES] BASIRA: Jon…? ARCHIVIST: It’s fine…!

(MAG159) ARCHIVIST: … I, I don’t understand. PETER: And you won’t. Not from me. I’m done. ARCHIVIST: Tell me. [STATIC RISES] PETER: I’m. Not saying. Another. Word. [STATIC INCREASES] ARCHIVIST: Tell me, or I will rip it out of you! [STATIC INCREASES] PETER: [STRUGGLING] No…! ARCHIVIST: Answer. My question! PETER: NO! Leave – me – ALONE! [STATIC INCREASES] ARCHIVIST: TELL ME! PETER: [GROANING SCREAM] [RIPPING, EXPLODING SOUND] [STATIC FADES] ARCHIVIST: … Stubborn fool…

(MAG162) ARCHIVIST: “This place wishes to be our tomb. But The Eye does not wish that. No. [STATIC INCREASES] The Eye wishes instead that it be my chrysalis. [WOODEN CREAKING SOUND] It is time that I emerge…” [STATIC REACHING A PEAK] […] I, I–I was listening, and I–I was filled with this… hatred. This anger; I–I wanted to leave, and hunt down Elias, a–and…! MARTIN: W–wow, okay… ARCHIVIST: But, when I thought it… the–there was… [WOODEN CREAKING SOUND] There was something else. Th–this place, it… it didn’t want me, it… [WOODEN CREAKING SOUND] didn’t want us to go.

(MAG165) NOT!SASHA: Not as pathetic as your little friend when I ate her life…! [RUMBLING SOUND] [THE CALLIOPE MUSIC DERAILS, TAKES A HIGHER PITCH] ARCHIVIST: … What did you say? [STATIC RISING: LOW AND SPIRALLING, PRESSURING] NOT!SASHA: [SHAKY BREATHES] I’m–I’m sorry… MARTIN: Jon? ARCHIVIST: You were wrong, you know. NOT!SASHA: [GASPS] [STATIC INCREASES] ARCHIVIST: There is more suffering than you can ever experience, so much more. The horror of your victims… NOT!SASHA: [CRIES OF PAIN] ARCHIVIST: Their constant, senseless agony… NOT!SASHA: [CRIES OF PAIN] [STATIC INCREASES] ARCHIVIST: Feel it now. Understand it. You have drawn out so much despair, and now finally, it’s your turn. [STATIC INCREASES] [DIGITAL GLITCHING SOUNDS] Ceaseless Watcher, turn your gaze upon this wretched thing! [STATIC INCREASES, WITH MORE PRESSURE] NOT!SASHA: No! No, please, no…! [DIGITAL BURSTING, RIPPING SOUNDS] NOT!SASHA: [FADING] No…! [STATIC DECREASES AND FADES] ARCHIVIST: [PANTS]

Jon used to rely on compulsion to try to struggle his way out (when it was his only weapon), in a panic. But since MAG119, it has begun to feel as if something was coming out from it, as if he were possessed? It really feels like something is trying to come out (and we precisely began the season with The Eye wanting the cabin to be his “chrysalis” and Jon announcing that “he” would emerge…). There also had been a clear escalation in his use of his powers: from giving Tim the tools to prevent Nikola from achieving The Unknowing, to stopping Breekon when he was ready to fight Basira, to compelling Peter to death while Peter was resisting, to… an execution, triggered by his anger. Jon had made a point to tell Martin that the Not!Them couldn’t harm them; it was a murder purely motivated by anger. The Not!Them had it coming, and it’s really interesting that Jon weaponised the suffering of the Not!Them’s victims to force it to feel pain (so, a case of… forcing empathy on it?), but… still a murder, still scary, still concerning that Jon did that when Martin and him weren’t threatened, and that it happened when Jon’s feelings got out of hand.

(Jon, you’re just a shounen anime protagonist gdi.)

- And Jon did nooooooot feel fine with it:

(MAG165) MARTIN: … Whoa–oh–oh! ARCHIVIST: I, uh… MARTIN: What was that?! ARCHIVIST: … I–I destroyed it. [ECHOING CREAKING SOUNDS] Ki–killed her. MARTIN: Are you kidding me, you–you obliterated her! You… you smote her! [ECHOING CREAKING SOUNDS] ARCHIVIST: We, we should go. MARTIN: What about the merry-go-round? With her gone, is it, is it still th– ARCHIVIST: I–I don’t know! MARTIN: [CHUCKLING] Yes you do! ARCHIVIST: I–I don’t… want to know, plea– We need to go. [SHUFFLING] Please. MARTIN: Oh, oh, okay. A–alright. Alright. Lead on. [CREAKING SOUNDS]

* Martin sounded… kinda very very into it (mARTIN), not surprised – Martin was already ready to use whatever he can even if it means compromising himself. Jon sounded more upset, so I’m half-expecting them to discuss this at some point?

* It had already felt a bit like it with Peter (when Jon mentioned the powers of The Eye in relation to The Lonely), but it was way worse here: … Jon really felt like an actual priest of Beholding when he obliterated the Not!Them. As if he was accepting it as a god, and himself as its agent, able to channel its powers.

* It was also SO CLOSE to what Elias did to Melanie and Martin, with the whole implanting memories/truths in someone’s head to make them suffer… oofffft ;;

* ;; I’m. Also very concerned about the fact that the end of the episode seems to imply that Jon made it worse for the victims in the carousel, since we can hear it creaking. Has he just condemned these people to an actual death, or to worse doom? If it turns out that Jon has powers allowing him to have an effect on these nightmares, the fact he chooses to remain an observer and only “uses” the place to experience them will feel iffier and iffier… ;;

- Welp, it does clear up right away why The Web hasn’t tried to contact Jon directly. On a scale from calling his partner while Jon himself is further away to directly taunting him, how much self-preservation instinct do you have?

  MAG166’s title is… interesting, because?? Corruption?? But it also feels too easy?? (And would be the biggest Middle Finger at something Smirke mentioned in MAG138.) I see a way in which it could potentially be Hunt, or Flesh, or Vast, or Buried, or End, or Web (well… it’s more like there’s an existing connection for that one + RQ’s teasing about Web stuff this week), but, wow. Bold move.

Book Explanation Post

Ok, so the story will take place in four different parts of the world and distinct timelines for two of the characters. There are four characters:

Draven (Hybrid, in the UK)

Evelyn (Human Experiment in Oregon, USA)

Zevonia (Faerie Creature in Transylvania, Romania)

Baxter (Human in Munich, Germany).

It’s basically about how a different group of beings in the world (Humans, Human Experiments, Creatures and Hybrids) live and survive. Cause in this book, the Creature and Hybrids are basically illegal and are seem as dangerous and should be killed or sent to a facility if seen or caught. But even the Human Experiments get it worse as well.

But when it came to people being sold off to in the underground auctions or facilities, it doesn’t matter who you are, they don’t care and will do it for money, both Humans and Creatures.

And now this year in the year 2020. I had vowed to finish this book and get it published after 11 years of dicking around with this (started at the age of 12 with the small idea until it grew when I was 15, and life happened, and now I’ve been actually writing this since 2018 at the age of 20)

Also, this story begins in 2013 and has a five-year time stamp on what happens from them explaining how they’re living for the past five years to when the characters actually meet up and form their group. (Cept for Draven and Evelyn.)

**Side note: There are two countries in the world that are safe havens for Creatures and Human Experiments:

UK

Sweden 

And that’s where rescued Creatures and Human Experiments go-to for refuge and to live without getting killed for no reasons and sold out. But that doesn’t mean that it doesn't happen, though it’s illegal to and it’s being stopped. They also do kill the auctioneer and their followers or anybody apart of the auction wanting to buy a Creature or Human Experiment. And it’s run by Creatures as well. (Yes, the Queen is a CREATURE!)**

~~~

Draven is a Hybrid who is 1,000 (21) years old who's been owned, sold out to, tortured and all that for 334 years cause his older brother, Logan, hates him for being a Hybrid. He's also the second youngest of ten kids:

Logan

Victoria

Bucky

Steve

Coraline

Axl

Xion

Anastasia (his twin sister)

Draven

Riko. 

In which Logan is the biggest arsehole ever, and everybody wants him dead (but I'm not going to kill him cause I like to piss off my friend and Tim with the fact that the bastard child won't be dead anytime soon). The night before Draven was sold, Logan killed their own mother, Draven's twin and lover in a house fire just to make Draven's life more miserable. Draven then goes on a killing spree in a white rage, killing 3 million people in a white rage for the loss of his twin sister and lover before Logan found and sold him off. (Logan also ended up kidnapping Xion and has hidden her in Russia somewhere) He was sold off to an underground auction for bout 450k£. He had been sold off to from "master" to "master" (He would also kill his "masters" and would get caught months later, cause he had no idea how to defend himself at the time until years later. He's killed 4 out of 7 "masters") before he landed in America and killed the last "master" he had.

This is where the real story begins to where the other characters will be involved. Draven then finds out bout the underground auctions and bout facilities (a place where Humans get turned into a Human Experiment via Creature Blood. They're kidnapped as babies and kept there to be experimented on. Creatures get sent there by authorities, so it's like a Creature prison as well.) and stumbles upon one where Evelyn is at, rescue Evelyn and the other prisoners before blowing up the facility to the ground.

I'm not going to tell you more on what happens cause it'll ruin the book.

Draven is very anti-technology and will NOT pick up a phone, computer, etc., in fear he’ll be tracked down and sold off again. He can kill them, but he wants to not do a lot of killing, so he can try to give Hybrids a good name. 

He’s also got a safe house in a very secluded area and loves it there to relax and be away from the bullshit of the world. But, sadly, he doesn’t live there at all, cause he’s afraid that he’ll somehow be tracked there, despite hum making no technology to be tracked from and uses so many protection spells and techniques to keep that house safe from ever being tracked down by scent. And that nobody can even enter the premises cause of some Creature repellent that immediately kills anybody who tries to enter.

He’s got trust issues and barely trusts anybody, but sees good in Evelyn. He’s a messed up dude with a shit load of problems and can’t even trust his own shadow cause of the bullshit he went through. (I put him through.)

~~~

So a Hybrid is a mixture of ALL the Creatures in the world. It's almost like a birth defect. They're godlike and really powerful; unlike in Draven's case, he was suppressed from ever using or leaning his powers, so he didn't even know how powerful he was until he escaped the final time.

Evelyn is a 19-year-old Human Experiment who escapes with Draven and tries to live her life as a Human Experiment. She's a “Dream Waster”, technically she can manipulate thoughts and create fake memories and thoughts of oneself into anything she wants that person to believe what I want them to believe. She’s got the IQ of 174 and one of the only Human Experiments with a high IQ, so she got tortured and experimented on the worse.

She doesn’t know who her parents are, due to being kidnapped by one of the workers of the facility. So she doesn’t even know if she has any siblings (I’ll probably give her an older sibling.)

Oh, the government knows about this shit and were the ones who allowed it to happen in the first place.

I can’t tell you any more on what happens in her life, cause it’ll ruin the story.

But she’s a very sweet girl who’ll kick your arse if you fuck her over.

~~~

Baxter (Tim’s ( @nycterisarts​) German husband. Haha) is a 22-year-old Human who’s a Creature Hunter that wants what's best for his younger siblings and his mother. He’s the eldest of 5:

Baxter

Zollar

Fredrick

Hugo

Shoshanna

His father got killed by a Werewolf Creature when he was 12 or 15 (I forgot the correct age and I can’t find my notebook filled with my information and small details, cause I just moved and everything is packed up.) in front of him and got scarred by it and vowed to protect his family and be the best older brother and the son.

He’s got scars from the Werewolf Creature attack on his face and upper body area and doesn’t care for his appearance as his family is already known to be the best Creature Hunters in Germany and everybody hires them to hunt the Creature for money in their village, cities and towns.

He’s a badass motherfucker who cares for his family and will kill you if you hurt them. He’s serious at what he does but is a loving and playful brother. Just not on a job. He’s asshole™ but can be a teddy bear.

~~~

Last but certainly not least, Zevonia. She just an 809 (17) Faerie Creature who just wants to not get killed by anyone and run the clothing shop she got after her parents left after Adrian was born.

She’s also the middle child of 3:

Sebastian

Zevonia

Adrian

She’s the only one who runs the clothing store and works with Mermaid Creatures who owns a jewellery store and they both help each other get the jewels and fabrics for their shops. 

She’s pretty good at keeping the shop standing for the past 190 years but wants to design outfits for Creature models that are in some countries and in the UK and Sweden.

She’s a stubborn headed, thoughtful girl who is still growing and learning more of the horrible world. She is just a little shit wanting to fuck shit up and cause havoc for the Humans and the government. 

~~~

I have yet to make a blog. But, if you’re all interested, then I’ll do it and cosplay the characters in this book:

Creatures:

Mains:

Draven Roché

Zenovia

Roché Family:

(In Hell) (The dad) Azrael

(Deceased) (The mum) Sylvia

(Missing) Logan

Victoria

Bucky

Steve

Coraline

Axl

(Missing; possibly deceased) Xion

(Decease) Anastasia

(Sent to America) Riko

  Molino Family:

Constantine

Morticia

Sebastian

Adrian

Friends (Bucky’s friends that Riko was sent to America to, and these two are dating):

Reynard Way (Best friends with Sebastian and Souxie)

Natasha Johansson (Best friends with Souxie and Sebastian)

Partners:

(Bucky’s girlfriend) Lady Death

(Draven’s lover) Aurora

(Logan’s girlfriend) Scarlet

(Sebastian’s girlfriend) Souxie (Best friends with Natasha and Reynard)

Humans:

Evelyn Hurt

Baxter

Rawlings Family:

Oskar

Nadine

Fredrick

Hugo

Shosanna

~~~

I think that’s it! Feel free to ask questions! Sorry that it took forever, ADHD is a bitch. 

I’m honestly going to be sad if nobody reads this, cause it took me forever to write this and I just wanna get this book out for people to read.

The sunflower always finds its sunlight I [Roger Taylor x F!Reader]

Words : 2, 400 (the next chapters are longer!)

Warnings : Slowburn!fic, language, sad shit, angst (but who is surprise?)

Summary :  Roger likes Reader since forever but the timing seems to just never be right for them. Reader is still haunted by her past relationship and kept rejecting Roger who know nothing about the abuses she had been victim of. After being rejected for the sixth time,  Roger thinks it’s time for him to move on…

Note : Yes it’s lme again ! With more angst because i can only write angsty story bruuuh! So here is my latest baby and I had think about writing it since months so I’m happy to finally show it to you lovies ! The story covered a period of eight years during the first two chapters which are essentially flash-backs then it’s go back to the present and it’s definitively a slow burn!fic.

Hope you’ready for heartbroken!Roger because he is gonna suffer, im telling you (Reader too ofc!!!) 

Also very important : This story is going to talk about very sensitive topics like eating disorders, physical, sexual and emotional abuses so if you don’t feel comfortable about any of them, please don’t read my story. I will put it in the Warnings section when the chapters will abord theses topics. 

☀ Masterlist ☀

Roger gulped the rest of his neat whisky, wiping furiously his teary eyes. He knew catching feeling was the worst idea possible but he didn’t decide to, it just happened. And now he was regretting to finally experienced a heartbroken. It sucked. The girl he had been stupidly in love for years had reject him not once, not twice or even three times but six painfully times. And he perfectly remembered each of these times even if the first no you said to him had happen almost eight years ago, the night when you met each other.

You were just eighteen, the little newbie in the city of London, here for your studies when you met Freddie at the Kensington market. He guessed right away that you weren’t from here and after hours of talking, he invited you to come with him at a gig his friends had during the evening. Of course you said yes, it was your first night out after two weeks in London, you were excited.

Don’t Forget to Smile! was a great band, good music and powerful energy, you spent a fantastic night with Fred and his not-yet girlfriend Mary. He introduced you to the band and all of you had a beer in one of the crappy booth from the pub, Tim, Brian and Roger were as nice as Freddie so you did enjoy your evening.

Freddie told you the drummer was a real flirt, no meaning any harm but it just couldn’t resist to do does-eyes to every pretty girl in the pub, including you.

“How a sweet little thing like you could be single ?” You smiled to Roger, flattered to be pretty enough for the blond to use his charm on you.

“Well, introduce me to a cute guy and maybe it could fix the issue” You sassed back with a grin, earning few laughs from the table.

“You got one right in front of you, love” The blond winked at you, his round eyes checking you out without a once of shame.

“You’re right Roger” You nodded and gave him your most charming smile before turning to Brian. “Want to have a drink with me Bri ?” Everyone laughed excepted Roger who rolled his eyes, pouting like a kid.

“If I wasn’t with my fantastic girlfriend, I would certainly say yes (Y/N)” The guitarist joked back and gave your hand a kiss like a perfect gentleman.

“I understand Brian” You sighed deeply then turned toward Tim. “Maybe I had a chance with another cutie like you ?” The singer blushed and took a sip of his beer to hide his flustered state. You were a pretty girl and he wasn’t blind.

“Tim forget that, (Y/N), you should go on a date with me. The girls always have a good time with me” The drummer stood up and came sit next to you, arm throwing around your shoulders, cocky and confident smile on his features. “What do you say ? Want to go out with me ?” One of his hand ended up on your knee, squeezing it gently.

“Nice try but no thanks Rog” You giggled as you shook your head, pushing him away. “And if you want an advice, next time you ask a girl out, don’t leered in another girl neckline in same time” You grinned and glanced at the girl sat at the bar, cheeks flushed by Roger’s not-so-discrete glares.

All the table let a Oooow out, teasing the blond about it.

“I wasn’t– Okay I was looking at this girl but she’s hot and, this one, she is interested in me so I guess I’m gonna talk to her” He finished his drink and lowered his head to your ear, murmuring words that at the moment weren’t serious, not knowing that years later, he would still think about it. “I saw how you look at me, even if it take me ten years, I’m gonna kiss these pretty lips of yours and made sweet love to you, beautiful girl” Your eyes were wide-opened at the audacity of the man but chuckled anyway, watched him with an amusing smile walking to the redhead girl.

Roger waved to the bartender for another whisky, a double one as all these memories were coming back, roughly hitting him in the face. The first time had been a joke but the second time was more serious but completely useless as he totally misread the situation purely and simply.

During the next six months, you became of good friend of the band, hanging with them most of your free time and Roger found himself growing attached to you. Not in a romantically way but friendlily speaking. You were one of the first girl he was only friend with, without wanting something more. Well, of course if you decided suddenly you wanted to have a wild and hot session of sex with him, he wouldn’t say no, you were too pretty for that but, it was rather nice to have you as a friend, he found you funny and real cool to hang around. He kept flirting with you but lightly, more like a joke than anything until one day he heard you chatting with Fred.

“I don’t think he feel the same about me...” You complained with a whining voice. “I mean did you see him ? He is really popular with girls, why he would waste his time with me ? It won’t happen”

“Don’t be silly darling, this man is always ogling you, I know he have a thing for you” Replied the dark-haired man in a scold. “I can feel the tension between the two of you when you are around each other. You need to do something about it”

Roger smirked at his friend’s words, he wasn’t wrong about the sexual tension, the blond felt it too. He cleared loudly his throat to announce his arrival and entered the flat he was sharing with Freddie.

“Roger, darling ! The man (Y/N) wanted to see” You made big eyes to your friend, silently scolding him. “I have some stuffs to do so I let you talk” He winked and disappeared of the flat, leaving you nervously fidgeting your fingers.

“How ya doing love ?” He gave you the most flirty smile he had in stock as you blushed, tucking your hairs behind your hairs. “What do you want to talk about ?” He sat on the sofa and tapped the empty space next to him.

“Well, hum...I wanted to ask you something Rog” The drummer smiled wider as you sat, finding incredibly cute how crimson you were becoming. The thought of dating you gently germed in his brain, he could eventually give it a try. “Do you think your friend Donovan would be interest to go on a date with me ?” You quickly gabbled with a shy smile.

Roger found himself silent at your demand. Donovan ? You were talking about Donovan during you and Freddie’s conversation ? He felt incredibly stupid.

“I...hum, I don’t know, never think about it” He stuttered with pink cheeks, he never thought you were into his and Brian’ school friend, Donovan. How did he miss that ?

“Oh. I got it, it’s okay Rog, I prefer honesty you know” You replied sadly, persuaded that he didn’t know how to told you his friend didn’t like you back. Roger looked at you, completely stupefied that you could even think someone wouldn’t be into you, what a joke. “That’s fine, really. He is way out of my league anyway” You chuckled but interiorly you wanted to cry.

“No, no, no ! I think you have your chance (Y/N)” The blond caught your hand and gently pressed it. Maybe it was for the best if you stayed friends, Roger wasn’t the best in relationship and he didn’t want to lose you. “I’m sorry you thought the contrary, I...I thought you were about to ask me out” He confessed with a little smile, earning a surprised gasp from you.

“Oh! Oh! Roger I’m sorry–“

“(Y/N), it’s more than fine, okay ? I just acted a bit too confident, I learned a lesson today, love” He winked and tousled teasingly your hairs. “I think you should ask out Donovan, he will say yes. I have no doubt, he is not stupid to say no to an amazing girl like you” You blushed furiously at his words and thanked him with a happy smile.

If Roger knew you would date his...friend, he was a bit too jealous now to call him a friend, for four long years, maybe he wouldn’t have encouraging you. And after what Donovan did to you, you wished he hadn’t but none of you could have guessed what would happen. The blond was more than fine about you and his friend dating at the beginning but as months flew by, he found himself being a bit envious of Donovan. When he kissed you sweetly at you entered the pub or how happily you squealed when you announced to everyone that you were moving in together. It was some little things who made him thought how badly he wanted to be the one who make you so happy. But it wasn’t him and Roger was your friend so he kept his mouth shut and simply continued his life. The band had now Freddie as lead singer and John Deacon as bass player, touring and becoming more and more popular as years went by.  Thankfully you and the boys remained close, everything was great until Donovan get a promotion for a job in New-York. Roger completely freaked out to see you move away from him, it was selfish but he couldn’t bear the thought of not seeing you anymore. It surprised everyone but you didn’t follow Donovan, you and him broke up and you stayed in London, Roger felt horrible but it couldn’t control how happy it had make him. You, in the other hand, was more than relieved that Donovan was now your ex-boyfriend, after years of suffering in silence, you were finally free of him. Everyone thought you were heartbroken because he left but the truth was you were broken because of all the awful things he did to you and no one never knew. You never told anyone, too ashamed to speak. That the event which leaded us to the third time Roger tried to ask you out.

Roger was nervous to see you again after touring for five months, he remembered how sad and broken you had been after your and Donovan’s break up but he was decided to make you smile again. He was dying to ask you out, feeling ready to commit himself to someone but only if that someone was you, he had a lot of fun during all these years but you had always occupied a little place in his thoughts, his feeling growing with the years. And now you were single again, he wasn’t a horny dog to jump on your bones as soon as you were free, he showed up at your place, with the firm intention to tell you he wanted to be with you, around a bit more than a year after your break-up with Donovan. You and Roger had been so close lately, he thought you were feeling like him. He was wrong.

“Hi (Y/N)” He said almost timidly as you opened your flat’s door, wearing your favourite pair of pyjama. You watched him surprised as he gave you the sunflower he had in his hand, a sweet smile in his face. Your forever favourite flower, how cute.

“Roger, what are you doing here ?” You asked as your fingers gently ran on the flower, you had almost forget how happy this simple gesture used to make you happy.

“I...I need to tell you something” You gazed back to him, his cheeks flushing lightly. You had no idea what all of this was about but it felt weird to see Roger so timid and awkward. “I like you (Y/N), a lot. I think you’re the prettiest, most marvellous girl I ever met and I think–“

“Rog...” You murmured with a sad grimace, the blond stopped talking as soon as he caught the look on your face, shame waving on him. You weren’t feeling the same.

“Oh, shit. I’m sorry. I thought, after these past months, that you and me were on the same page but I guess I was wrong” He scratched his neck, cheeks crimson at the rejection.

“Roger I swear, it’s not about you, okay ? We did grow closer these past months but... I don’t want to date anyone for now. I’m not ready and honestly I have no idea when I will be, Rog” You explained with a little voice, feeling stupid to be still emotionally broken by your asshole of ex-boyfriend.

The drummer felt his heart melted at your state, he could see the sadness in your eyes, proving that you weren’t lying. You weren’t ready yet for anything new, of course he understood that.

“I asked you too soon, didn’t I ?” You nodded shyly and wiped away the single tear which escaped your glassy eyes. “I’m sorry. I thought...I mean you looked better than the first months so I gave it a chance. My mistake. But I guess you were too in love to forget him in only a year” The drummer tried to light up the atmosphere and you didn’t say anything about the fact that you weren’t in love anymore months before the break-up, you weren’t ready to tell anyone about this story.

“You have nothing to apologise for Rog. I hope we can still be friend even if I said no” You smiled sweetly and felt relieve when he smiled back, he wasn’t mad at you.

“Of course, love. You only rejected me three times, I have few more tricks in my sleeve” He winked playfully and both of you chuckled.

“Want to come in and watch a movie with me ? I got some leftover pizza” Roger nodded eagerly and followed you inside, both of you spending the evening cuddling on the sofa but nothing more happened that night.

“I think you had enough drinks tonight, buddy. Time to go home” The drummer glared angrily at the bartender but his head was spinning a bit so it was probably for the best.

He still drank the rest of his whisky and slowly made his way out before waving a taxi to go home. He fell asleep in the cab but once he was at home, he was decided to think about the three other times you had reject him. He needed to understand where it went wrong if he wanted a proper chance to move on.

*******************************************************************************************

Christmas 1966

Collection: Tim and Annie, Turner Family

Year: 1966

Characters: everyone

Content Warnings: none

Rating: K

Style: Prose

Summary: Daniel’s first Christmas

Annie was looking forward to Christmas this year. Christmas Eve was going to be low key, just her, Tim, and Danny. Tim cooking stew and dumplings, cake for afters, watching TV while cuddling with Danny. It's a nice quiet evening, just their little family. They exchange gifts to each other, and keep the tradition of new pyjamas. Even Danny has a tiny tartan sleeper and some tiny little Christmas socks.

They go to bed fairly early because they know Danny will be up with the sun. And so will Angela and Teddy and they want to be there for presents.

Annie's gift to Tim is a lab coat that she made for him. He's forever complaining that he never has enough pockets, so she puts a few extra on the inside. Has little ones that are the perfect size for pens. The lining in the sleeves is a blue a fabric that can only be seen when he rolls up his sleeves. And she embroidered T. Turner across the breast pocket. And Tim absolutely loves it.

He wears it forever. And then when it literally falls apart he still keeps it. She makes him new ones to replace the ones he wears to threads.

Tim was so excited for Annie to open what he got her. He’d talked to Violet about the options. She’d asked him what the large box under the tree was a few days before Christmas, but he’d kept avoiding answering her. His face was filled with childlike excitement when she unwraps it. He’s also a little nervous that it might come across as impersonal. But it nearly makes her cry.

"I figured if you had your own, you'd be able to do more work from home."

Annie looks at him. Her eyes full of tears. Skims her hands over the box

"Oh, Tim."

"Do you like it?" He asks nervously.

"I love it." She leans over to give him a giant hug. Clings to him a little bit. "Oh Tim, its perfect."

"I'm so glad you like it." Tim says giving her a squeeze.

"I do." She kisses his cheek, looking a bit shy. She did it without really thinking, so touched by his gesture. She blushes a bit when she settles back down next to him.

They didn't really get Danny too much. Most toys still being a bit old for him.

They got him a couple of "First Christmas" things, an outfit for dinner at Nonnatus, little bits and pieces Tim impulse brought on his way home from class. The toys that they did get him were small blocks and stacking toys, a new rattle, and a pull toy that he won’t be able to play with for a while still. And books. Tim reads to him every night, the little boy falling asleep on his Dad’s chest.

Christmas morning was a flurry activity, they planned to be at Shelagh and Patrick’s in time for breakfast. And they knew that Angela would start a mutiny if they were late. Especially because presents always had to wait until after everyone had eaten.

Annie kept Danny in his pyjamas. He had been up with the sun but Annie had felt he looked too adorable to put him in his Christmas outfit yet. He’s not the only one still his jammies when they get to Shelagh and Patrick’s, Angie and Teddy still have theirs on.

Once the door the is opened, Angie pushes past Shelagh and pulls Tim inside.

“Timmy! You’re almost late!” She scolds him pulling on his hand.

Shelagh and Annie laugh as they follow them inside.

“We’re not late and that’s what’s important!” Tim tells her when he’s finally able to set down the bag containing everyone’s gifts.

“But you ALMOST were.” She challenges.

“Ange,” Shelagh warns gently. Angie looks at her Mum with a sheepish grin and runs over to give Annie a hug.

Teddy and Angie bolted down their breakfasts, both so excited to not only get her presents, but to give the ones she got for everyone. She’d made biscuits with Shelagh and boxed them up for Annie and Tim, and with Shelagh’s help, she’d made a new hat for Danny. Angie loves the dress Annie made for her, a blue dress covered with a sunflower pattern, she demands to wear it to dinner at Nonnatus. Just like the year before, Annie got Teddy a new winter hat, and he was just as thrilled.

Shelagh and Annie had similar ideas for eachother. Shelagh and Patrick had gotten a bunch of photographs developed for her, and Shelagh put some into an album, leaving lots of room for future ones. Annie had made salt dough impressions of Danny’s hands, and framed a photo from Angie’s birthday. It had the whole family, actually in frame. But it wasn’t the fully posed one. Everyone had been caught off guard, not paying attention to the camera.

“I have this for Danny too.” Angie says climbing up on the sofa next to Annie. In her hands, a small stuffed blue bear. “This is Cuthbert the second. He looked after me and I don't need him now so he can look after Danny."

Annie wraps her arms around Angie, “Oh Ange, I’m sure Danny will love him and take good care of him in return.” Angie stays curled up next to Annie for a bit, until she’s told to go get dressed for caroling.

Shelagh and Annie get the little ones bundled up to go caroling. This year Teddy joins them, it's the first year he's asked to.

Tim decides to stay behind with Daniel and his Dad. Patrick, while he enjoys the music, has never been one for walking about in the cold if it can be helped. And he likes the opportunity for a little bit of peace and quiet, and to take the time to miss his first wife. Tim also doesn't want to pass up the opportunity to spend a bit of time just with his Dad and his son on Christmas. It gives them a chance to reminisce for a bit. Start telling Daniel some stories about his other Grandma. Patrick's been able to talk about her more the past few years. Tells Tim how proud of him his Mum would be, how much she would love little Daniel. And Annie. They both talk about how much they miss her, their voices quiet.

Daniel is sitting on Tim's lap, happily sucking on a set of teething keys.

"I wish she was here to see him." Tim says sadly.

He feels a little guilty saying it, because he loves Shelagh (and Angie and Teddy) so much. He never wants to make Shelagh feel like he doesn't love her, that he’s not glad she’s his mum too.

But he misses Mummy.

"I wish she could, too," Patrick replies, smiling when Danny swaps the teething keys for Patrick's knuckle. "I wish she could see how much you've grown. The man you're becoming."

Tim gives him half of a smile. "I hope she'd be proud of me."

Patrick pulls him into a tight hug, careful not to squish Danny, and kisses Tim's temple. "She would be. She would be so proud of you, Tim. As I am."

Danny reaches out and grabs a hold of the Patrick's brace, and laughs happily when it springs back from his hand when Patrick moves.

Tim smiles down at the little boy in his lap, his throat feeling a little thick.

"I love you, Dad."

"I love you too, Timothy." Patrick sets his hand on Tim's shoulder and gives it a squeeze before moving it to tickle Danny. "And you as well, Daniel."

Danny laughs hard at him. He tries to grab onto Patrick's fingers but Patrick is too quick for him. The little boy laughs harder at him and then stuffs his fist back in his mouth. Their conversation stays lighter as they wait for everyone to get back. Playing with Daniel and talking about plans for the new year. If Tim has thought about whether he might like to specialise more or stay in general practice.

Shelagh and Annie come back to see them both sitting on the floor, Daniel standing with Tim's help and Patrick making faces at him. Danny is either giggling at or frowning quizzically at him.

Patrick grins up at Annie and Shelagh when they come in. "Have fun?"

"It was lots of fun Daddy!" Teddy says running to him, his coat thrown to the floor by the door.

"Ted, go back and hang your coat properly please." Shelagh tells him.

"Go on," Patrick adds, and hides a smile when Teddy trudges grudgingly back to hang up his coat.

"Thank you, Ted," Shelagh says with a smile and ruffles his hair when he comes back. He harrumphs a little bit but laughs when Shelagh tickles his sides.

"You said it was fun?" Patrick prompts when Shelagh's finished tickling him.

"Uh huh! Lots of people gave us biscuits!"

Angie had hung up her coat as soon as they came inside and was in the kitchen helping Annie make some hot chocolate.

"They weren't as good as Mummy's though!" She shouts from the kitchen.

Patrick grins. "Biscuits are never as good as Mummy's."

When Annie and Angie bring in the hot chocolate, Annie sits on the sofa behind Tim. And Tim scootches back to lean against her legs.

"Did you have fun?" He asks, tipping his head back to look at her.

She ruffles his hair affectionately. "I did. I even got a few biscuits. Did you have a nice time here?"

Tim nods but keeps his head leaned back against her legs. Her playing with his hair sometimes just renders him a bit useless. Patrick meets Shelagh's eyes and she has a SEE!!! Expression.

He rolls his eyes at her, but he's grinning too. They're being absolutely adorable and Shelagh just wants them to finally admit that they've fallen in love.

Patrick and Shelagh both know that they would be so happy together. They're already all but together. Living together and raising Daniel. And Annie has confided in her that they frequently share the bed.Annie is so nervous when she admits it. What Shelagh will think, will think of her. For "leading Tim on" as much as anything.

Annie's convinced herself that it's just convenient. Because he gets up when the baby cries at night anyway. And Danny really likes falling asleep on his chest. Convenient, and just evidence of how nice he is and deserves someone who can really love him, because he'll stay if she's upset or lonely or cuddling him and falls asleep. Although she's slowly coming around to the idea she can love him.

When it's time to head to Nonnatus Angie demands to put on her new dress that Annie made her.

"What happened to asking nicely?" Shelagh asks mildly, watching Angela with her little hands on her hips.

"Mummy, may I please wear my new dress?" Angie asks, only a little huff in her voice.

Angela runs upstairs to get changed and Shelagh follows her

Tim helps Annie clean up the hot chocolate mugs while Angie is getting ready to leave.

Patrick asks if they need help with anything, and Annie tells him they brought Danny a little outfit for Christmas dinner and Patrick offers to get him changed.

"The outfit is in the baby bag." Annie tells him.

Patrick goes to find the outfit and then scoops Danny up to get him changed. He loves doing things for his grandson.

Tim goes into the living room to make sure nothing else needs to be cleaned up and when he goes to tell Annie that everything is picked up, they bump into each other in the doorway. It's then that they notice the mistletoe hanging above them.

Annie blushes slightly pink. "Oops."

They shuffle about a little bit, both with their heads down. Annie leans up on her tip toes and gives him a quick peck on the cheek, ducking her head back down as soon as she's done it. Shelagh comes down the stairs following Angela just in time to see it. And she has to put her hand over her mouth to stop from groaning.

Tim takes Angela's appearance as an excuse to step away from under the mistletoe. He's a bit pink. Annie has to lean against the door frame for a minute. Her heart is beating faster than she'd like it to be.

"Very smart, Ang." Tim says walking over to his little sister.

Angie grins at Tim before running over and giving Annie a big hug. "Thank you Annie, I really really like it!"

Annie hugs her back. "You're welcome! You look perfect."

Angie gives them a twirl and Annie laughs, even though her insides are still squirming.

Patrick comes down carrying a very dapper looking little Daniel and followed by an equally dapper looking Teddy.

He glances between Annie and Tim and then at Shelagh and turns his attention to Angela. "Your dress looks very lovely, Angie."

Angie gives a twirl for Patrick too and everyone laughs when Teddy does the same.

"What a handsomely dressed bunch we make." Shelagh laughs.

Patrick gives her a spin too, which makes Shelagh roll her eyes at him. "Yes yes, and you. Are we all ready to go?"

She grabs coats off the hooks by the door to a chorus of yeses. Most loudly from Angie and Teddy. Even Danny made a happy noise. Shelagh makes sure everyone is in their coats and they have the present bags in the car already and the pies for dessert.

Everyone heads out to the car but Patrick puts his hand on Shelagh's arm to hold her back a moment.

"What did I walk in on?" He asks, voice low.

"I only caught the end," Shelagh says softly. "Angela disturbed them. They were caught under the mistletoe and she kissed his cheek."

"Your plan was so close to working." Patrick teases.

Shelagh swats at his arm. "I've got more up my sleeve than that.

"Are they hidden in Sister Julienne's sleeves, by any chance?"

"Not quite." She sticks her tongue out at him and heads out to the car.

Everyone piles into the car tightly. Teddy ends up on Tim's lap, Danny on Annie's, and Angela between them. Angela is trying to get out the car before Patrick has even turned the engine off.

As soon as she's able to, she starts to run a head up the stairs of Nonnatus.

"Angela, please don't run ahead." Shelagh calls out to her.

"But Mummy!" Angela protests. "I want to see Sister!"

"We all want to see her too. Or do you want her to think you forgot her Christmas present?"

Angie trudges back to Shelagh and takes her hand. "I don't want her to think that."

Teddy and Angie made salt dough ornaments of their own for Sister Julienne and the other Nonnatuns.

Shelagh squeezes her hand. "Then let's all go in together, hmm?"

Once inside though, Angela runs ahead again to go find Sister Julienne.

Shelagh lets her. Mostly because Angela's yell of "Sister Julienne!" can be heard probably on the moon.

Sister Julienne laughs and bends down to give Angela a hug. "Happy Christmas darling girl."

Angela hugs her tightly. "Merry Christmas, Sister!"

"Would you like to give Sister Julienne her gift?" Shelagh asks, coming up to them.

Shelagh gets their gifts out and hands them to them, so they can give them to Sister Julienne.

They both made her ornaments, Teddy's is a bit of a lumpy star, and Angie's is a cross.

Sister Julienne is suitably impressed with her presents and hangs them on the tree. The kids go around and give similar ornaments to the other nurses and nuns. Angie gets a few comments on her dress and proudly tells people that Annie made it.

And then Annie gets lots of comments/compliments that make her blush. Since working at Vi's she's gotten a number of customers who specifically ask for her. She's even brought in new business. Trixie gets dresses for her girls all the time.

Sister Julienne steals Danny for a cuddle. Danny laughs in delight when Sister Julienne takes him in her arms. He likes trying to grab her wimple.

"Well hello Daniel. And how is your Christmas?" Sister Julienne laughs when Danny's hands miss her wimple and land on her face.

He pats his hands against her face and giggles up a storm when she blows a little raspberry on his hand. And he reaches for her wimple again, babbling at her.  

Annie feels comfortable leaving Danny with Sister Julienne and goes off in search of Trixie. Her little boy will be safe and happy with her. Trixie is helping to watch over the children.

"Merry Christmas." Annie says hugging her back.

Trixie’s gift to her is a new baby bag. She knew that Annie had bought hers second hand.

"Oh Trixie, thank you, but this is too mu--" Annie tries telling her.

"Nonsense, I won't even hear it." Trixie stops her.

Annie clutches the bag. She hates feeling cheap. Working for Vi has helped, but she’s still far below the standard of living she’d grown up with.

She's got a small package for Trixie. There'd been a bolt of silk at the shop that she knew Trixie would adore, so she'd made her a scarf out of it. She gives Trixie her package in return. "Oh sweetie! It's absolutely gorgeous! And it even matches my coat." Trixie gives her another hug.

Annie stays chatting with Trixie until dinner is announced. She thinks she notices that Trixie puts her hand on her stomach a few times. And she's not scooping up Teddy like she normally does.

Just enough to make Annie suspect. She's actually quite good at hiding it.

When dinner is announced, Sister Julienne brings Danny back over to Annie. Her little boy had been passed around to pretty much everyone there, but still under Sister Julienne's watchful eye.

Annie keeps Danny on her lap throughout dinner, not minding having to keep his hands out of her food. She knows he's going to be hungry soon for his own dinner, so she doesn't want to have hunt him down when he starts crying.

After the prayer is said, Trixie clears her throat and says that she has an announcement she'd like to make. She takes Christopher's hand under the table and gives it a squeeze.

Christopher squeezes her hand back and smiles at her. Across the table Shelagh takes Patrick;s hand under the table too.

"Christopher and I are going to be welcoming another little one into our family."

Trixie's smile is so bright, dimples on full display.

There's a beat of silence and then the room erupts

Sister Julienne gets up to the the first one to give both Trixie and Christopher a hug

"Oh, congratulations, my dear."

"Thank you, Sister." Trixie replies, hugging her back.

After congratulations and hugs are given everyone sits back down to enjoy the meal.

Christopher let's everyone know that they're still waiting a few weeks to tell the girls, but so far the pregnancy seems to be going smoothly.

"You knew didn't you?" Patrick's asks in a low whisper, leaning over to Shelagh.

Shelagh smiles and kisses his cheek."She told me when she got the result, but it was their news to share."

Patrick squeezes her hand and turns his attention back to the conversation at the table.

Shelagh returns to the conversation too.

Lunch is the usual polite chaos, everyone talking together and laughing together

Talking over each other to be heard.

Small conversations happening at the same time that a larger one happening with the table as a whole.

The kids table being checked on from time to time.

Teddy has mash potato in his hair and Angela has acquired one of the nurses aprons to protect her new dress. But they're getting on fine really. Alexandra is with them this year for the holiday, and she's making sure little Allie doesn't get too messy and that most of her food is actually being eaten and not played with.

And helping to keep the others at the table in line

As she's the oldest at the table, at ten.

The youngest is Allie at 3. Barbara and Tom have a toddler but he's sitting at the grown ups table because he's still little.

Angela definitely thinks Alexandra is So Cool

Teddys a little grumpy he's the only boy.

He normally doesn't mind much, but he's a little put out

No-one has watched or read his comics

And Angela is bored by his bug stories - she's found MUCH bigger and betters ones in the garden

AND learned about them at school

It's after dinner that everyone is up and dancing. Danny is back to being passed around to everyone. He'd had his own dinner and was perfectly content.

A few people "dancing" with him, with his head on their shoulders and them just rocking/bopping to the music

Barbara and Tom are dancing

Trixie and Christopher

And Shelagh and Patrick

Shelagh peering around him at Annie and Tim

Tim and Annie are dancing too, mostly avoiding the slower songs though. And every time they get near the planted mistletoe Shelagh smacks at Patrick's arm.

Patrick winces every time and mock glares at he.

"He's gonna notice, you know," he murmurs into Shelagh's ear when he obligingly spins them so she can keep watching.

Tim has his arms around Annie's waist and hers are up around his neck. And they're under a sprig of mistletoe for a few minutes before Annie looks up and notices it. Shelagh presses her forehead against Patrick’s shoulder for a second to contain herself and then peers at them again.

Annie blushes and nods to the mistletoe. "Looks like we got caught."

This time Tim leans down to kiss Annie's cheek.

Shelagh lets a frustrated groan and presses her face into Patrick's chest.

Trixie and Christopher are dancing near them and Trixie hears her reaction. She turns and sees that Tim and Annie are just spinning away from mistletoe. Shelagh's ARGH sends Patrick into a fit of laughter, Patrick pats her back teasingly in comfort. Trixie raises an eyebrow at Patrick's laugh and Shelagh’s face.

Annie and Tim stop dancing when Barbara brings over a fussing Danny.

"Are you getting sleepy sweet boy?" Annie asks as Barbara hands her the little boy.

"I think so, I thought he was going to fall asleep a few times." Barbara tells her.

"He fights sleep whenever he can, doesn't like to miss anything." Tim smiles, as he reaches out and places his hand on Danny's back. Danny makes a few sleepy babbles at Tim's touch and rubs his face against Annie's shoulder.

Annie rubs his back. "Tim, is there a place we can sit so I can get him to sleep?"

Tim nods. "Just this way. Barbara, will you let Mum or Sister Julienne know where we've gone if they need us?"

"Of course." Barbara tells him.

Tim leads Annie to a small room that has a few chairs and sofa.

"There's so many rooms here that I'm not sure what they're used for, this is one of them. But it works out in our favor."

"Probably used to be a living room when the Order was bigger..." Annie says, smiling at Tim. She sits down on the sofa and gets Danny settled.

Tim sits down next to her. "They've only been here for a few years. The old Nonnatus house had to be demolished after a World War II bomb had to be detonated a few blocks over."

He tells her about the bomb scare, and about that being when he had polio.

And the wedding that didn't happen.Annie leans against him, Danny upright on her chest with his fist in his mouth.

Annie makes a soft noise. She knew about the polio but not the details. "I didn't know they had to postpone the wedding."

Tim stretches his arms and drapes one around Annie's shoulders and he turns a bit to place his hand on Danny's back.

"They postponed it for a few months. Mum's said it was much better that they did."

When Annie looks at him curiously, Tim smiles and rubs her shoulder. "She said it meant she got to know us better. And - she decided to get married in white. She wasn't going to, before."

Tim doesn't know the details of why, but as he's grown up he can guess some of them

"We spent a lot of time all together between Christmas and the wedding. Plus, Sister Julienne and the others got to come, too."

They sit in silence for a little bit, Annie doesn't really know what to say. Annie rests her head on Tim's shoulder as they both rub Danny's back. The little boy keeps trying to fight sleep but is failing. He does it all the time if something even vaguely interesting is happening, determined to stay awake. But he'll fall asleep eventually if they just sit quiet with him and rock him. Once he's asleep Tim goes in search of a Moses basket. He's sure there's one around somewhere.

He comes back with one after a while, there were various ones around from when some of the nurses had littles ones and would visit. Tim settles Danny into the basket and carries him back to where everyone else is. The music has gotten a little quieter and the main sitting room was quiet enough to have Danny in.  Annie follows them and sees a stray bit of mistletoe on the floor that must have fallen. She picks it up and sticks it into her pocket.

"I'm going to step outside for a moment, if that's alright." Annie tells him quietly.

"Everything alright?" He asks concerned.

She nods. "I'm fine. Just want a little fresh air."

Annie wraps her coat around herself and steps outside. She needs a moment to herself.

Nonnatus Christmas is a bit full on.She leans against the wall at the tops of the steps, looking up toward the sky. It's started to snow a little bit, just a few flurries. She's been out there for nearly ten minutes when Tim comes out to check on her. He comes to stand next to her and offers her a mug of hot chocolate. Annie smiles and takes the mug and warms her hands on it.

"Last Christmas, I was so scared. I didn't know if I was going to be a good enough mother, if I was strong enough. Everything was happening so fast." Annie focuses more on her mug than Tim.

Tim moves a little so their shoulders are pressed together, just sharing warmth and being close

Annie looks up at him, and smiles softly. "And this year, I can't imagine my life being any different."

He smiles back at her, his eyes crinkling a little, expression soft and warm, the light from the half open Nonnatus door spilling out over him.

"I'm glad."

Annie tilts her head a bit more towards him. "So am I."

She smiles at him shyly and slips a hand into her pocket and pulls out the sprig of mistletoe she swiped earlier. Lifting it up she meets his eyes.

Tim swallows. "Annie?" His voice is barely audible, but he wants to be sure.

She nods, if he hadn't been watching her so intently he might have missed it. Tim brings one hand up to touch his fingertips to her cheek and jaw. She tilts her head up a little more and nods again, twirling the mistletoe jokingly. Tim leans in to kiss her, just the softest of brushes against her lips.

Tim pulls back a little to see Annie smiling at him. She puts a hand on his chest, dropping the mistletoe in the process and bunches his sweater a little to pull him to her again. She presses her lips to his. Tim makes a soft noise, his hand fully cradling her cheek and jaw. The kiss stays soft, but they stay pressed together like that for a few moments. When they part Tim smiles down at her. Annie blushes and takes a sip of her hot chocolate. Tim brushes a hand along her shoulder, and Annie put her hot chocolate down to step closer to him. Tucking her head under his chin. Her heart is pounding, and with her head against him she can tell his is too .

"Put your arms around me, Tim," she murmurs softly.

Tim complies and wraps his arms around her and he rests his head on top of hers. They stay outside together for a little bit longer, under the cold becomes too much. When they turn to go back inside, Annie grabs hold of Tim's hand as they walk back in.

Patrick is the first one to spot them. He nudges Shelagh who turns around in time to see Tim put his arm around Annie's shoulder and Annie tuck in against him.

Shelagh gasps softly and puts her hands over her mouth.

Patrick chuckles and kisses the side of her head. "I knew they'd get there eventually." He whispers.

Shelagh elbows him lightly. "So did I."

Tim looks up, makes eye contact with his father, and blushes bright. Patrick nods at him, grinning. He's honestly happy for them. Annie looks up too and blushes. She looks sheepish and shy, but doesn't move away from Tim. And Shelagh is just beaming. The night winds down and after rounds of hugs and final Christmas wishes the Turners make their way home. Annie and Tim had mostly been the way they always are, if with a few more blushes and hand holding.

At the house Annie helps Shelagh get the kids into bed. The little ones are too tired even to beg for stories. It’s just a case of taking their shoes/clothes off and dropping them into bed

Annie is a little nervous about being alone with Shelagh.  

"Your mistletoe worked." Annie tells her, blushing.

Shelagh looks at her with a grin, giving her a quick hug around the shoulders. "I'm sure I don't know what you mean."

Annie laughs lightly.

Shelagh's grin softens into a smile. "I'm so happy for you, love."

"I am too." Annie says ducking her head a bit.

"I'm glad."

Annie gives Shelagh a hug before heading into Tim's room to get herself ready for bed.

Tim has the baby downstairs and had offered to get him changed.

Downstairs, Tim and Patrick are having a similar conversation. Tim tells him about the mistletoe.

It makes Patrick grin. "You'll have to thank your Mother."

Tim chuckles, "It wasn't exactly subtle."

"You mother claims it’s not our strong suit."

"I'd like to think I didn't inherit that from you, thanks."

Patrick jokingly glares at him.

John’s Top 10 Movies of 2017

So here we are, another year in the books.  Let’s take a moment to put out another list among thousands and thousands of lists.  If you don’t agree, you can start your own blog.  Maybe you’ll be better at providing content on a regular basis than I am.

HONORABLE MENTION: Star Wars: The Last Jedi (December 15)

I can’t rank a Star Wars film in good conscience, especially one as polarizing as this one.  It was a great film (The Star Wars Nothing But Star Wars Retrospective will continue soon, trust me), but I still believe that the Star Wars saga is its own thing altogether that has managed to transcend its medium, yadda yadda yadda, pretentiousness.  So it takes the honorable mention in this list.

HONORABLE MENTION II: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO: The Disaster Artist (December 9)

I’ve put this as an honorable mention because, being the die-hard fan of The Room that I am, it’s the one movie I desperately wanted to see this year, but as of press time, I have not yet made it to see it.  First, it took forever for any of my local theaters to show it.  Then, there was a one-two punch of Christmas and a death in the family when it finally graced the tri-state area with its presence.  Then this weekend, my car broke down and no one would drive me.  Seriously, someone up there does not want me to see this fucking movie.  

10. Power Rangers (March 22)

This film was a very welcome surprise.  With such a beloved franchise, a reboot could only end in disaster.  And yet, it was a fun, refreshing, character-driven film that even non-fans, like myself, can enjoy.  I just wish that it could somehow get a sequel.

9. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (May 5)

I’ll admit, this one wasn’t as good as the first one.  It had its moments, like the Mr. Blue Sky opening (because I just can’t quit ELO), Ego’s big reveal, and the heartbreaking finale, but some of the jokes outstayed their welcome and weren’t as funny as the jokes from the original.  However, my opinion changed after I watched Lindsay Ellis’ wonderful essay on the film.  Give it a watch.

8. Kong: Skull Island (March 10)

So many studios have tried to replicate the lightning of a bottle that is the Marvel Cinematic Universe.  Universal had its Dark Universe, which has had three different starting points, and none of them stuck.  Warner Bros.’ DC universe is barely a success in box office numbers alone.  And then there’s Legendary Entertainment’s MonsterVerse, which hit the ground running with 2014’s Godzilla, and followed that up with a damn good King Kong movie.  Kong’s first scene is terrifying, as is Samuel L. Jackson’s Captain Ahab-esque character who will not stop until Kong is dead.  2019’s Godzilla: King of The Monsters cannot come soon enough.

7. Thor: Ragnarok (November 3)

This film was an absolute delight.  It’s deliciously funny, there are some scenes that appear to come straight from the pen of Marvel legend Jack Kirby, and other scenes that are just begging to be painted on the side of a ‘70s panel van.  This one has to be the best Marvel film of 2017 hands down, with maybe Spider-Man Homecoming coming close.  That scene in the car with Peter and Vulture/Batman/Birdman, though.

6. IT (September 8)

IT was probably the first horror movie I’ve actually watched in theaters, and to be honest, it’s probably the best one I’ve seen that didn’t come out in the ‘80s.  Bill Skarsgård is ridiculous and terrifying in equal measure as Pennywise, even though I still hope that should I ever come across a clown hiding in the sewer, it’s Tim Curry.

5. Logan (March 3)

This is the solo Wolverine movie that fans wanted to see.  It’s gory, it’s brutal, it’s thrilling, it’s heartbreaking to watch, and of course, the perfect swan song for two iconic performances: Patrick Stewart’s Professor X and Hugh Jackman’s Wolverine.  Third time’s the charm, eh?

4. Dunkirk (July 21)

I made a mistake this year in not seeing Dunkirk on the big screen.  It demands to be seen in IMAX with the best sound system money can buy, especially when it comes to the dogfight scenes.  Being a World War II airplane nerd, seeing those Spitfires and hearing those Rolls Royce Merlin engines (“The sweetest sound you could hear out there,” a character remarks) in those well-shot and choreographed fight scenes make it worth the astronomical price of admission.  Or at least, I’d think so.

3. Logan Lucky (August 18)

This was another welcome surprise for me.  It’s probably one of the funniest movies of the year, with show-stopping moments like the warden arguing with the prison inmates over the perpetually-delayed final books of the A Song of Ice And Fire series or Daniel Craig’s character stopping the heist in its tracks to give a chemistry lesson on how gummy bears, a bleach pen and imitation salt can make an improvised explosive device.  However, I cannot suggest that you try this at home. Also, this year must’ve been really good for John Denver’s estate.  How many movies can you possibly shove “Take Me Home, Country Roads” into?

2. Blade Runner 2049 (October 7)

This film should not work.  A sequel to one of the most beloved sci-fi movies of all time made 35 years after the fact shouldn’t be the masterpiece that it is.  And yet, Denis Villeneuve and his cast and crew managed to pull it off.  It’s as beautiful to look at, as enigmatic, and sadly, as much of a financial heartbreaker as the original.  Seriously, I haven’t been as personally hurt by a film’s underperformance at the box office since Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World.

And our Number One: Baby Driver (June 28)

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, If It’s Edgar Wright, You Can’t Go Wrong.  Spacey be damned, this film is another masterpiece by a director that has long been my favorite living director and my second all-time favorite, next to Kubrick, of course.  The soundtrack, the editing, the stunts, all top-notch.  On a more personal note, outside of a wonderful trip to Chicago, my summer had been a depressing trainwreck.  I bashed my eye against an endtable moving out of my college dorm, my grandmother died, I couldn’t find a job, it was a mess.  Then I went and saw Baby Driver.  When I saw the Bellbottoms Chase for the first time, it made me happier than I’d been in a while.  So thanks, Edgar.  Whatever you’ve got planned next, I’ll be in line day one.

1 to 500 😁

Oh jesus christ. This is such karma 😭 but challenge accepted…. 😏

1) A book you read for a movie: I hope I get that question right but I only did that once and it was with the Maze runner.2) A favorite adapted movie: Uh Harry Potter I guess?3) A guilty pleasure: Binge watching my fav tv series4) A movie from your favorite director you didn’t like: Hmm I don’t really have a fav but I do like Tim Burton a lot and from the movies I’ve seen there’s never been one I didn’t like. They’re all super original5) A movie that was better than the book: Usually all the books are better than the movies. Have yet to encounter the opposite 6) A movie that you know is bad but you can’t help but love it: There’s one movie, forgot the title, but it was like this B horror movie that I just loved even though the effects and make up was so bad. Even the acting was bad. But it was about this werewolf’s life and how he fell in love with this girl and well yeah romance always sucks me in 😂 7) A movie you watched mainly for an actor: Sweeney Todd, I watched that one mainly because of Johnny Depp and also because it interested me 8) Age: 20 🎉9) Any piercings that you want?: I want a few piercings still. In my ear, a dermal and belly button piercing once I have the bod for it 10) Any tattoos you want?: I do want tattoos but aside from a few personal things (🐱) I don’t know what (yet, I guess)11) Anyone you’re giving up on?: No one12) Are relationships ever worth it?: Usually they are. If it’s real and natural, something that just fulfills you and makes you happy. Makes you a better person the hell yes. They’re not worth it when it’s overall wrong13) Are you a forgiving person?: I am very much so. Not always a good thing though14) Are you a heavy sleeper?: Fuck yes I am. My mom always says that I’d sleep through an earthquake or bomb15) Are you a jealous person?: God…. Love wise, yes. Definitely yes. But I become a crazy bitch then 🙂16) Are you a social or an antisocial person?: Forever asocial asf17) Are you allergic to anything?: Not that I know of. Certain skin products and a sensitive stomach but that’s it 18) Are you currently in a relationship?: Nope19) Are you dating the last person you talked to?: Sadly enough not….. yet20) Are you due sometime this year for a doctor’s visit?: I hope not21) Are you easy to get along with?: As long as it stays superficial then sure. The ones closest to me have their hands full with me22) Are you going out of town soon?: No 😭23) Are you good at hiding your feelings?: Depends but sometimes I am24) Are you good at math?: God no, the worst at that. 35% on an exam kinda bad 25) Are you happy with the person you’ve become?: No I’m not. I do hope to be happy with who I am trying to become26) Are you lonely?: I often am27) Are you mad at someone right now?: Yes I am28) Are you nice to everyone?: As long as they deserve it then yes 29) Are you outgoing or shy?: Shy, verrrrrrry shy30) Are you over your past?: Not yet but one day I will be31) Are you someone’s best friend?: I’m not32) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?: As I am now then no, as I hope to be then yes33) Are you tired right now?: Very tired, always am34) Are you wearing any perfume or cologne?: Not today35) Are you wearing socks right now?: No hahaha I’m in bed so36) Are your toenails painted pink?: No they’re not37) Basic question: what’s your favorite color/colors?: Green/black/grey/red/beige38) Baths or showers?: Depends on my mood but lately mostly showers39) Best friend(s): No one40) Biggest age gap between you and someone you’ve dated: Never really dated anyone so don’t have an answer41) Birthday: 17/0242) Can insanity bring on more creativity?: Oh hell yes, the insane created creativity43) Can you commit to one person?: I can and always will 44) Can you drive a stick shift?: I can45) Can you drive? If so do you like, why?: I can drive and love speeding the most but it also gives me anxiety so.. I end up not driving46) Can you hold your breath under water without using your hand?: Obviously yes47) Can you live a day without TV?: TV yes, Netflix no 😂😂48) Can you tie a bow-tie? A regular tie? If yes, how and when did you learn?: I can’t……49) Coke or Pepsi?: Neither ew50) Currently wanting to see anyone?: Yes, my poopsie51) Dark, milk, or white chocolate?: Milk chocolate ftw but never much cause nausea52) Deadpool is the greatest; discuss: Deadpool is just overall the funniest. He doesn’t give a fuck about anything but still does good. He’s original53) Define: Art: Art is anything that can touch the soul whether that is in the form of a song, book, poem or even a Van Gogh. I believe even the human body is a piece of art. Nature is art54) Describe your best friend, personality and looks: ///55) Describe your favorite food. Who makes it?: My fav food is this pasta my mom makes with a cream cheese tomato sauce just fuck yes 56) Describe your physical “ideal mate”: My physical ideal mate… Hmmm someone that has muscled arms with sleeve tattoos. Veiny hands 😍 dark hair, a stubble and beautiful green eyes. Looks good in joggers, a suit or anything inbetween 57) Did you have a dream last night?: Don’t remember58) Did you have a good day yesterday?: Yesterday was overall a pretty good day actually59) Did you wake up cranky?: I didn’t 60) Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?: In most cases people deserve a 2nd chance. It just really depends on what they’ve done. Some things can’t be forgiven or fixed61) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?: I believe in both ghosts and aliens 62) Do you believe in karma?: Oh for sure, even experienced it myself63) Do you believe in love?: I do believe in love64) Do you believe in luck?: I believe people can get lucky. But actual luck, not sure 65) Do you believe in magic?: A part of me wants to believe that magic is real but rational me doesn’t66) Do you believe in soul mates?: I do hahaha67) Do you believe that everyone has a soul-mate?: I think everyone has a person they’re meant to be with 68) Do you care if people talk badly about you?: I care more than I’d like to admit and it affects me too which sucks69) Do you chew on your straws?: Oh god I do, I can’t stop once I’ve started hahahahah70) Do you collect anything?: I don’t anymore71) Do you cry easily?: Too easily 😢72) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?: I don’t drive but I have almost crashed twice so73) Do you eat meat?: I do eat meat but also meat replacements74) Do you ever wanna get married?: I’d love to get married at some point75) Do you fall for people easily?: Not at all76) Do you get a lot of colds?: I used to but thankfully not anymore77) Do you get butterflies around the person you like?: I’m not physically around the person I like but he gives me butterflies from a distance so78) Do you hate anyone?: I do but wish I didn’t have to79) Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?: Nope, actually love him so80) Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend? If not, do you want one?: I don’t and at some point I do want a bf, when I’m ready and a better person81) Do you have a collection of anything?: I have a collection of a few things. One that comes to mind is Me to You bears 82) Do you have a crush?: I do but it’s also more than that, way more83) Do you have a tan? Is it fake or real?: I’m as white as milk 🍼84) Do you have any body modifications?: No85) Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?: No86) Do you have any nicknames?: Nuno and mie/mieke87) Do you have any obsessions right now?: Uh tv series I guess88) Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?: I do yes89) Do you have any piercings?: A few in my ears and a nose piercing which I actually completely forgot I had hahahha 90) Do you have any relatives in jail?: Not that I know of 😂91) Do you have any strange phobias?: Hm the dark isn’t that strange but maybe the idea that werewolves are real92) Do you have any tattoos?: Unfortunately not93) Do you have many toys? What are your favorites?: I have 094) Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?: I do, he’s also the only one I tell anything and everything to 95) Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?: My mom, brother and CJ96) Do you have trust issues?: It sucks but I do97) Do you like anime?: I don’t think I ever watched anime 98) Do you like true crime?: I love it. I’m very fascinated by it 99) Do you like deep conversations?: I do but suck at starting one myself100) Do you like hot sauce?: Love it101) Do you like it when people play with your hair?: Only the person I love102) Do you like sports? Which ones?: I love a good marathon….. a movie marathon103) Do you like the climate you live in? What do you like or would change?: Don’t like it, it’s 4 seasons in a day. I’d like more stability 104) Do you like to wear any jewelry? Bracelets? Necklaces?: Only the bracelet my mom got me105) Do you like watching scary movies?: They’re my fav so yes106) Do you like your neighbors?: Ew no107) Do you miss anyone right now?: Hm not really108) Do you need to do laundry?: Always hahaha109) Do you plan on moving out within the next year?: Nope110) Do you play video games? What are your favorites?: I don’t anymore but my favs were Spyro, Crash, Mario and Assassin’s Creed or Far Cry. Idk COD is cool too111) Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?: Video chatting but only with close ones112) Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?: Always behind113) Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?: Neither114) Do you prefer to text or call your friends?: Texting ftw 115) Do you replay things that have happened in your head?: All the time 😕116) Do you save money or spend it?: Depends but usually save117) Do you secretly like someone?: It’s not a secret so118) Do you sleep with or without clothes on?: With119) Do you sleep with the door open or closed?: Almost closed120) Do you still talk to the first person that you kissed?: No121) Do you think someone has feelings for you?: I do122) Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?: No hahaha123) Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?: Oh very much so 124) Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?: I can last a lifetime without cheating so 125) Do you think you like someone?: I know I like someone 😂😂126) Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?: Nope127) Do you think you’re a strong person?: I’m far from a strong person, I’m rather weak128) Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2014?: My life did change dramatically before 2014. If it will by next year, who knows129) Do you want a boyfriend or girlfriend?: When I’m ready for a bf, then I do want one130) Do you want any piercings? Where?: I would like a dermal between my boobs, more piercings in my ears and a belly button piercing once I have the bod for it 131) Do you want children? How many and what would you name them?: At this point it’s not something I can answer132) Do you want tattoos? What of?: I do want tattoos, only 2 I am sure of 🐱🌛133) Do you want to try any drugs? Acid? Shrooms? Ecstasy?: LSD x Weed134) Do you want your tongue pierced?: Ew no 😝135) Do you wash your car or let the car wash do it?: Both136) Do you wear jeans or sweats more?: Sweats ftw137) Do you work out?: Yes by getting out of bed in the morning138) Does anyone hate you?: Who knows hahahaha probably139) Does anyone like you?: I think so140) Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?: Not regularly but enough141) Dogs or Cats? Why?: Both cause both are freaking awesome duh 🐶🐱142) Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?: The most attractive143) Draw a selfie: Too lazy and no talent 144) Ever been in a physical fight?: Yes 😂145) Ever been in love?: Yes and still am 146) Ever been on a plane?: Yes147) Ever been suspended or expelled? what for?: No I was a good, boring student 148) Ever go to camp?: Pony camp hahahaha149) Ever had a poem or song written about you?: Yes 🙄150) Ever had a rumor spread about you?: Hm yes151) Ever had a terrible breakup?: No152) Ever kissed under fireworks?: No153) Eye colour: Just brown 154) Favourite actors: Hmmm fav actors. Probably Morgan Freeman, Johnny Depp, Jonah Hill, Dylan O'Brien, … 155) Favourite actresses: Fav actresses: Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston, Emma stone, Meryl Streep, …156) Favourite animals: All animals (dogs, cats, birds, chameleons, dolphins, turtles, lions …) xxx157) Favourite bands: Uh Kodaline and Papa Roach are he only ones I can come up with hahaha 158) Favourite cartoons: Hmm avatar159) Favourite color: Red, green, grey and black. Beige too160) Favourite Comedy: Jesus tough one uhm The Hangover probably 161) Favourite comic book movie: I think hmm Deadpool 162) Favourite day of the year: Don’t have a fav day 163) Favourite Disney Movie: Beauty and the Beast but Mulan, the Lion King, The Little Mermaid etc come close too 164) Favourite drink: Ice tea 🙂 no idk alcohol wise it just depends on my mood165) Favourite Fantasy: Uh idk tbh, I have so many166) Favourite feature on yourself: My eyelashes or my kindness, not sure what kinda feature hahahah167) Favourite fictional character: Ron Weasley168) Favourite film: V for Vendetta169) Favourite food: Kebab170) Favourite food for munchies?: Salty snacks171) Favourite hobbies or things to do after smoking?: I don’t smoke? 172) Favourite ice cream?: Banana (coconut, lemon, vanilla)173) Favourite Love Story: Ruth and Ira from The Longest Ride174) Favourite Movie Soundtrack: Banks - waiting game175) Favourite movies?: Before I wake, The best of me, The lights between oceans, Mr and Mrs Smith, Charlie’s Angels, …176) Favourite movie remake: Nightmare on Elm street177) Favourite Musical: Beauty and the Beast178) Favourite mythical creature and why?: Tough one.. A dragon 179) Favourite number?: 17180) Favourite person?: Poopsie181) Favourite quote from a movie: “I love you so much. I just want you to be happy. Even if that happiness no longer includes me”182) Favourite quote from a song: “It’s holding on, though the road’s long. And seeing light in the darkest things. And when you stare at your reflection. Finally knowing who it is”183) Favourite quotes in general?: “But who prays for Satan? Who in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most.”184) Favourite Science Fiction movie: Uh idk actually185) Favourite season and why?: Spring because the blossoms are appearing, people feel more alive again186) Favourite singer?: Demi Lovato 😍187) Favourite song: Kesha - Praying188) Favourite stage show?: No idea189) Favourite store to shop in?: A grocery store190) Favourite subject?: Personality psychology191) Favourite things to do: Just chilling and watching a tv series. Going on a trip and taking pictures. Writing. Spending time with loved ones192) Favourite TV show?: Overall probably Teen Wolf but I have many favs193) Fears?: Being abandoned, not being good enough and the dark194) First thing that comes to your mind when you hear the word: food?: Idk this table full of food I love 😂😂195) First thing that comes to your mind when you hear the word: love?: Poopsie196) Get the book closest to you, open to page fifty. What’s the first line?: “They both looked surly and unhappy, and the girl had clearly been crying.”197) Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?: That’s a very odd thing. I love when a guy is able to show emotions. I don’t love it when they cry cause it’s sad obviously198) Girls…. (finish the sentence); Boys…. (finish the sentence): Girls are all beautiful and unique, so are guys 🙂199) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word: heart: A shitload of songs about heartbreak 200) Hair Color?: Light brown 201) Hair Length?: Pretty freaking long. Doesn’t reach my ass yet202) Has anybody ever given you butterflies?: Oh for sure 😍🦋203) Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?: Only 2 of my friends204) Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?: They have205) Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you, and meant it?: Yes, my poopsie206) Have you been to a gig in the past month?: A concert of Oscar and the wolf207) Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?: No208) Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?: No209) Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?: Thank god not, only 24 hours210) Have you ever been called a tease?: Uhm yes211) Have you ever been in a physical fight?: Yes212) Have you ever been in love?: Yes and still am213) Have you ever caught a butterfly?: No, they aren’t made to be caught214) Have you ever cried over a guy?: Uh obviously 215) Have you ever drank your soda from a straw?: Yes at McDonald’s 216) Have you ever eaten a crayon?: No? 😂217) Have you ever fallen for your ex’s best friend?: No ew also don’t have an ex218) Have you ever felt replaced?: Yes, often219) Have you ever found it hard to tell someone you like them?: Always, fear of rejection220) Have you ever had your heart broken?: Yes 221) Have you ever kissed a Chris?: Not yet 🙂🙂🙂222) Have you ever kissed a Sophie?: No223) Have you ever kissed someone older than you?: Yes224) Ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?: No225) Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?: I have226) Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the same sex?: I haven’t 227) Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?: Yes 😂228) Have you ever liked someone who didn’t like you back?: Yes229) Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?: Hm yes 230) Have you ever thrown up in the car?: Thank god not, that’s gross231) Have you ever told someone you loved them?: I have 232) Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?: I guess yes233) Have you ever wanted something you couldn’t have?: Yes more than once 234) Have you had any real Tumblr crushes?: Yes, one 235) Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?: No 236) Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?: No237) Have your pants ever fallen down in public?: No, that’s weird…..238) Have your parents ever caught you doing something you wish they hadn’t?: Not in the moment but after yes239) Height: 1m70, or something at least240) How are you?: I’m fine 241) How are you really?: Who the fuck knows, I don’t so242) How do you like your eggs?: Omelet243) How do you look on a night out?: Boring, dark clothes usually. A bit of mascara, hair straight and loose 244) How do you look right now?: Oh god you don’t wanna know. Horrible, awful, disgrace hahahahaha245) How do you vent your anger?: By writing, exploding or smashing doors 246) How is your best friend?: No idea, also don’t really have one247) How late did you stay up last night and why?: 3.30, watched a movie. Texted with poopsie and did the first part of these questions and then KO'ed 248) How long can you hold your breath for?: 40 seconds maybe. Tested it once but forgot and was many years ago249) How long does it take you to bath?: Like 40 mins hahahaha250) How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?: Depends on how much time I have. Can be from 25 mins to 1h30251) How long does it take you to get ready for a night out?: 1h30, with showering and everything252) How long does it take you to shower?: 12 mins to 35 253) How many kids do you want to have?: I don’t know254) How many TRUE friends do you have?: Like 2 probably255) How mature are you?: Depends. I can be very mature but when emotions are involved I become a childish mess256) How much do you weigh?: None of your damn business Tumblr257) How much do you want to weigh?: 62 kg258) How often do you bathe?: Depends on how I feel but 3 times a week usually259) How often do you go to see live music?: Oh almost never, it’s very rare260) How often do you listen to music?: Daily261) How old are you?: 20 years old 262) How old were you when you got your first boy/girlfriend: Well no idea since I never had one263) How old were you when you had your first kiss: Like 9 for a kiss on the mouth and more was 17264) How tall are you?: 1m70, this is quite repetitive tbh265) How tall is your crush?: I think taller than 1m80266) How’s your heart?: All over the place267) Ice cream or cake? Why?: Hmmm depends on my mood and the weather 268/269) If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you do? If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?: I’d be upset, having a bunch of mental breakdowns. Be absolutely devastated and just feel like there’s no point in anything anymore. Isolate myself from everything and everyone. But I’d wish him the best and tell him all I’ve ever wanted is for him to be happy. If she makes him happy then that’s all that matters. I’d also still wanna be in his life. Don’t wanna lose him, ever270) If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?: That can quickly escalate from talking and laughing to something else, right? 🙂271) If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?: “Be more accepting of one another”272) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?: Going to class273) If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?: Everything 🙂274) If you could change your eye color, would you?: A few years ago I would’ve said yes but thanks to a special person, no thanks I like my eyes 275) If you could have one wish, what would it be?: For my mom to not be in pain and for her leg to heal completely276) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?: I don’t have a desire to meet anyone really.  But I do wanna be with poopsie irl277) If you could move somewhere else, would you?: I sure as hell would278).If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?: N.279) If you had to delete one day of your life completely, which would it be?: The day I first got confronted with trust issues280) If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?: The year I had met him281) If you were drunk, who would you want to take care of you?: The guy I love, however it’s not his responsibility282) If you’re being extremely quiet what does that mean?: Sunken in my own world, overthinking and sad283) If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?: My first true love is still and will always be in my life284) In a relationship?: Nope, single pringle 285) In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?: No286) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?: Trust, honesty, communication and being head over heels with eachother 287) Is cheating ever okay?: N E V E R288) Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?: Fucking adorable when the guy you love does that. I mean never had that actually but I think I’d love it289) Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?: 2 actually, my brother and the one I love290) Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?: Yes 291) Is there anyone you want to tell EVERYTHING to?: Yes292) Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?: Nope, I don’t know many people in general293) Is there anything pink on you?: No, only purple294) Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?: Yes, small papers to note stuff on295) Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?: Yes hahahaha296) Is there someone you will never forget?: Yes297) Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?: Unfortunately yeah298) Is your life anything like it was one year ago?: Nothing like it299) Is your life anything like it was two years ago?: No, it changed dramatically300) JFK: conspiracy or not?: Honestly no idea but knowing America, probably 301) Last book you read?: I can’t remember actually. I think Fifty Shades of Grey, by Grey but never finished it302) Last food that you ate?: Pastry 303) Last gig you went to?: Oscar and the Wolf, their concert304) Last movie you watched?: IT 😂🙄305) Last person you cried in front of?: I don’t know, my mom I think306) Last person you talked to?: My mom, just now, 2 seconds ago307) Last person you talked to for over an hour?: Poopsie308) Last person’s house you were in?: My dad’s 309) Last place you were?: My house? 😂310) Last play you saw?: God uhm no idea, been too long311) Last prank call you remember doing?: Never prank called anyone and my mom doesn’t count312) Last show you watched?: Riverdale 313) Last show you watched with a friend?: Hannibal, but he’s not really a friend so no idea if it counts314) Last song you listened to?: Ruelle - Recover315) Last song you sang?: Ruelle - Recover316) Last sport you played?: I haven’t played sports in ages but kick boxing I guess317) Last thing that made you cry?: An argument318) Last time you cried?: An hour ago319) Last time you got stopped by a cop or pulled over?: Never!!!!!320) Last time you hung out with anyone?: A month ago I think? It’s been long321) Last time you hung out with a group?: Well 2 people are a group to me so also a month322) Last time you kissed someone?: 4 years ago, something like that323) Last time you took a shower?: The day before yesterday324) Last time you were insulted and what was it?: The day before yesterday, “fuckhead”325) Least favorite sport?: Running, jogging, moving 326) Least favourite animals: I don’t have any so327) List 5 movies that you love: Hey I already kinda did this but ok, I’ll just give more. Harry Potter, Zootopia, Tangled, The Incredibles and hmmm National Treasure 328) List all the countries you’ve been to. Write a comment on each of them. Or some, if you can’t be bothered: Hungary: just beautiful. One of my fav countries, the little towns are great and the lake is just 😍 Rhodos (island): so many friendly people, found one of our cats there, beautiful ocean and amazing food. Italy: just wow. The most beautiful cities, friendly and open people, the pizza is just 👏🏻👌🏻 329) Location: Belgium.330/331) Loud music or soft?: Both, but mostly loud332) Meaning behind your url: Something that symbolizes a relationship/kink that is important to me 333) Most adventurous place you’ve smoked?: I’ve never smoked 334) Most attractive celebrity of the opposite gender?: Uh no idea.. Hm 🤔 Scott Eastwood is attractive and Johnny Depp in his 20s335) Most attractive celebrity of the same gender as you?: Angelina Jolie, Demi Lovato and Emeraude Toubia. Can’t choose 🙂336) Name: Nina R.337) Name of the person you first kissed: Asshole.338) Name something you dislike about the day you’re having: My headache and the argument339) Name something you’re happy about the day you’re having: Talking with poopsie340) Name something you have to do tomorrow?: Chores and grocery store341) Name something you’re glad you don’t have to do tomorrow?: Go to class342) Name three things you like about yourself: I can be nice I guess but yeah no, don’t like much about myself.343) Next trip you are going to take?: Nothing planned344) Nickname: Nuno/Mie/Mieke345) One movie you can watch everyday of your life?: I’d get bored so none but as a kid probably Charlie’s Angels 346) One must have?: My phone347) One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?: Get the fuck out of there obviously? Probably scream idk. No honestly I’d probably hide under my blankets and freeze348) One thing you would say to a person who hurt you?: “Did I ever mean anything to you?”349) Opinions on dating people older than you:  All good, as long as it’s not like a minor with someone much older. Aside from that people can do whatever. My age limit is 26 I think350) Opinions on dating people younger than you: I’d never date anyone younger than me cause lack of maturity most of the time. And I don’t want a boy but a man351) People you want to smoke with? Whether they actually smoke or not?: I don’t smoke wtf but Poopsie 352) Pick something from your immediate surroundings and tell the story behind the item: My bottle of ice tea. I love ice tea  353) Pick up the nearest printed material in your first language and copy out a random paragraph: None of your business tumblr. It’s a bill354) Place you want to visit?: New Zealand355) Place you’d want to smoke most?: Seriously?356) Places you’d like to visit?: Dubai, Peru, Mexi357) Post a picture of yourself: Too ugly358) Put on shuffle, what came on and what are your favorite lyrics?: Kesha - Learn to let go, “You don’t gotta be a victim. Life ain’t always fair, but hell is living in resentment. Choose redemption, your happy ending’s up to you”359) Put your music playlist on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up: Anne-Marie with Ciao Adios, Foxes - Devil Side, Fergie - You already know, Beyoncé - If I were a boy, Ruelle - Monsters, Foxes - Scar 360) Reading or watching: Watching 361) Relationship status: Complicated362) Sexual orientation: Straight 363) Smell the air. What do you smell?: Home364) So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?: Hell no, fucker is gonna get slapped365) Something you miss?: Taking pictures366) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm: The table, my dog367) Suppose you see your ex kissing another person what would you do: Don’t have an ex so nothing 368) The last time you noticed you’d put a piece of clothing on incorrectly, i.e. backwards/inside out/etc?: Probably my pjs and in the morning so no biggie369) The reason I joined Tumblr?: It was very popular back then and it seemed fun, a platform where you didn’t have to pretend370) The relationship between you and the person you last texted?: Hmm… Pretty complicated. Close but also at risk of ending. Could be something great if I continue to go in the right direction371) The Zodiac Killer is…?: Who knows372) Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?: No373) Think back 12 months ago; were you in a relationship?: No 374) Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?: I do yes375) Three names you go by..: Nina, Nuno and Mie?376) Top 5 actors: Hmm… Johnny Depp, Andrew Garfield, Tom Holland, Morgan Freeman, Seth Rogan377) Top 5 actresses: Helen Mirren, Katherine Heigl, Emma Watson, Catherine Zeta Jones, Chloë Moretz 378) Top 5 directors: ///379) Top 5 favorite blogs on Tumblr: @eagerforpower and the ones I reblog often from, you guys know who you are380) Top 5 movies: Not again381) Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?: Both hahahaha I can’t possibly choose 382) Turn offs?:  Bad breath, asshole, no hygiene, disrespecting, childish383) Turn ons?: Respectful, mature, amazing smell, being sweet etc384) Wearing any bracelets?: Not now385) Were you happy with the person you liked in March?: At that point, no 386) Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?: Nope387) Were you single over the last summer?: Yes388) What are you actually gonna do for a career?: Hopefully become a psychologist389) What are you listening to right now?: Nothing390) What ARE you looking forward to?: Uhm idl nothing really 391) What are you NOT looking forward to?: Class/exams392) What are you sitting on right now?: A desk chair393) What are you supposed to be doing right now?: Nothing, I think 394/395) What are you wearing right now?/What are you wearing?: pjs396) What are your fears?: Being abandoned, the dark and not being good enough397) What are your plans for tonight?: Finding a new tv series to watch398) What brought you to Tumblr?: A friend who told me about it 399) What color bottoms are you wearing?: Grey, striped. Dark and light400/401) What color is your shirt? What color shirt are you wearing?: Purple402) What color underwear are you wearing?: Grey403) What do you do/what do you want to do when you grow up: Become a psychologist who actually helps people. While also enjoying my own life and seeing what the world has to offer404) What do you think about most?: Life, what to change and just my daily worries405) What do you think about tattoos and piercings?: I think they’re great, they are art that cover a blank page. Beautiful even406) What do you want to know about the future?: Honestly nothing, I’m already busy enough with it407) What does your last text message say?: “Dude some questions come back like 10 times”408) What does your latest text message from someone else say?: “And don’t answer them then”409) What exactly are you wearing right now?: Dude pjs 410) What gender do you identify as?: Female, also born that way411) What has been the biggest moment in your life so far?: Hm nothing 412) What is a typical breakfast for you?: Bread413) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?: Fighting for someone I love 414) What is your all-time favorite romance movie?: Hmmm the best of me415) What is your current mood? Write and/or draw: Just neutral 416) What is your current screen saver?: The sky417) What is your favorite animal?: A dog I think. I love all though 418) What is your favorite word?: Schnitzel419) What kind of people are you attracted to?: People who are open minded, honest and just who they are. With humor of course420) What makes you laugh no matter what?: My dogs421) What should you be doing right now?: Nothingggggg finishing these damn questions422) What size shoes do you where?: 40 usually423) What song are you listening to right now?:  None424) What tabs do you have open right now?: Tumblr, my notes and kik425) What was the last book you read?: 🙄426) What was the last lie you told?: Not sure actually.. It’s pretty blurry427) What was the last movie you watched in theaters?: Spiderman Homecoming428) What was the last thing you had to drink?: Ice tea429) What were you doing at 12AM last night?: Watching a movie/texting 430) What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?: There’s nothing I’m afraid to be honest about I think. “Did you ever doubt letting him go?”, this comes close though 431) What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?: Stereos - Cupid432) What’s a song that always makes you sad when you hear it?: Sleeping at last - Already gone433) What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?: I hate tinnitus sounds and I love his voice 434) What’s the first thing you notice in the opposite sex: The smile/eyes435) What’s the last sporting event you watched?: Eh soccer a few years ago 436) What’s the last thing you purchased?: Food 😭😭😭437) What’s the last thing you put in your mouth?: Excuse me? Pastry hahahaha438) What’s the meaning behind your url?: A relationship, something personal439) What’s the relationship between you and the last person you texted?: Already answered this I DON’T NEED TO RUB IN HOW COMPLICATED IT IS, DO I TUMBLR?????440) What’s the worst place you have ever been to?: Police office 441) What’s your biggest “what if”?: What if he never did what he did?442) What’s your current problem?: Learning how to change and be better443) What’s your dream job?: Psychologist 🙂444) When did your last hug take place?: Yesterday evening with my mom 445) When is the last time you ran?: Probably when I was about to miss the bus. I don’t run otherwise 446) When is the last time you went to the mall?: Over a month ago447) When was the last time you cried?: A little bit ago.. 448) When was the last time you drove out of town?: Well my town is small asf so a few days ago to go to the grocery store in another town449) When was the last time you smiled?: A few mins ago when I laughed at him laughing at me450) When was the last time you told someone you loved them?: Yesterday451) When was the last time you were extremely disappointed?: I am disappointed in myself 24/7 but a few days ago it was extreme452) When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?: I don’t remember453) Where do you go when you’re sad?: Wherever my tv series brings me to454) Where is the shirt you are wearing from?: De Zeeman idk  455) Where is your best friend?: No idea and also don’t have one. Way to make someone feel lonely, Tumblr456) Where were you 3 hours ago?: Same chair, answering these questions 😂😂457) Where were you last week at this time?: At home458) Where were you yesterday?: At home459) Who are you in love with?: Poopsie 😍💜460) Who are your best friends?: No one 461) Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?: Poopsie, always him 462) Who do you have texts from?: My mom and poopsie, a few friends too463) Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?: Uh I hope no one?464) Who is the biggest gossiper you know?: Oh shit no idea hahahaha me? No idk I share a lot but don’t gossip465) Who is your celebrity crush?: Demi Lovato hahaha, a queen 😭466) Who is your favourite Beatle?: Lennon467) Who was the first person you talked to today?: Poopsie 468) Who was the last person you drove with?: My mom469) Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?: Hmm… Poopsie 😂😂470) Who was the last person you held hands with?: My mom 471) Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?: My mom 472) Who was the last person you talked to?: Poopsie 473) Who was the last person you took a picture of?: Holy cow I’m not sure, Max of Oscar and the Wolf I think 🎶474) Who was the last person you were on the phone with?: My mom475) Who was your first crush?: Asshole. 476) Who’s in your profile picture with you?: It’s a middle finger so no one, not even me 😂477) Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?: No478) Will you get married?: At some point hopefully yes479) Will your next kiss be a mistake?: No 🙂😏480) Worst injury you’ve ever had?: Concussion or broken finger, either481) Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?: No I wouldn’t 482) Would you ever smile at a stranger?: Yes483) Would you rather be hot or cold?: Cold, you have blankets to keep you warm but cooling off is a whole lot harder + I feel uncomfortable then484) Would you survive a zombie apocalypse?: I like to think I would and that I’d be as badass as Milla Jovovich but eh idk485) Write a 6 word story: She never looked back, it was over (7 words fy)486) Write an autograph version of your URL: How even?487) Write your URL in some writing that you thought were super cool when you were younger. Eg, bubble letters, digital clock letters, letters with lots of embellishments, or letters with smiley faces in them: No too lazy488) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?: Being invisible for sure. So many abilities with that. Get on planes unseen, robbing banks etc489) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?: I wouldn’t tell anyone because I don’t want to be treated differently nor do I want people to be scared or sad the time I have left. I’d spend as much time as possible with my loved ones and do the things I love most while I still can. I’d be scared yes. Scared I hadn’t done enough. Scared my loved ones would be left broken490) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?: Fire me motherfucker. Not gonna let that cutie drown 😗🐶491) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?: That night.492) You can only have one of these things: trust or love: Trust, without trust there can be nothing493) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?: This moment that I had built a fort for me and my brother, we had no idea about the bad of the world yet and laughed endlessly. I was allowed to move the couches, use blankets and pillows. We would stack snacks there and go on missions 494) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?: Ew no one495) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?: Hmm not sure but New Zealand or Thailand 496) Your best friend likes you, what do you do?: Tell them I don’t like them and that we can continue as friends but again I don’t have that problem cause I don’t have best friends497) Your best friend wants to do something you really don’t want to do. What do you do?: Not do it? 498) Your dream vacation?: Just full on relaxing but with enough adventure. Discovering places and food. Taking many pictures and just being happy to be alive. If it’s with someone I love then go on cute dates there too499) Your thoughts of long distance relationships?: They can definitely work and they’re as real as other relationships. They just require a lot of commitment and trust, from both sides 500) Your zodiac sign?: Aquarius ♒

Thank you for the hours and hours of entertainment 😂😗

I’ve just returned from an amazing 3-week road trip to Canada! Here are the places I visited along the way:

Zion National Park, Utah

Lots of amazing trails and views accessible by shuttle bus, but the real highlight was Angel’s Landing, an 8-mile climb up a hogback with drop-offs of 2,000 ft. each side. You have to grab hold of chains to get to the top, but it’s totally worth it! Unfortunately, I wasn’t prepared to do the Narrows, as a permit is required. When I return I will definitely make that my priority.

Bryce Canyon National Park, Utah

Walking Peekaboo Trail Loop is definitely an amazing way to see the hoodoos and various sand sculptures. This place is visually fascinating, even if you aren’t really able to climb up in the formations, and the hikes are relatively safe and easy.

Lava Hot Springs, Idaho

These are my favorite Hot Springs because they have trains that cruise by on the regular and several different pools up to 115 degrees(!). I missed the tourist crowds and this place was so serene and down to earth. This is definitely a magical spot that just called my name:)

Jackson Hole, Wyoming

No need to explain; the city is a tourist mecca and is definitely not my thing. However, I did find the Snake River Brewery and played guitar in the parks all day, so it wasn’t too bad. The pic of my ride was taken 20 minutes outside of town on Bridger-Tetons land and was one of my favorite sites.

Grand Teton National Park, Wyoming

Definitely the highlight of the trip, I decided to backpack to Alaska Basin via Jenny Lake trailhead and ended up coming face to face with a full-size male grizzly bear chasing a black bear up a tree! No pictures of that, but he came out of the woods and stopped about 25 feet in front of me as I proceeded to slowly back away and retreat down the mountain. Camped out and did the Solitude Lake loop the next day instead, and it was a beautiful (and grueling) 20 miles, but totally wild and worth it.

I also saw some moose (pictured) and black bear mama + cubs. The Tetons are much smaller than the Sierras, but similar terrain and waaaay wilder. I’ve got a new appreciation for nature and learned a lesson I’ll never forget:  Carry a .454 if you’re going into grizzly country!

Yellowstone National Park, Wyoming

I landed here on Sunday before Labor Day and the place was teeming with clueless tourists fighting for parking and picnic tables which wasn’t to say it was lame; Yellowstone is huge and absolutely stunning, especially the geysers and pools all over the west side. I wasn’t able to see nearly enough of the park, though, and I left unsatisfied. Next time I go it will be during a quiet week and I’ll give myself a few days to explore.

Missoula, Montana

Missoula is a beautiful little town with tons of local color and great food/coffee, thanks to the University of Montana crowd and some really cool young people who have made the place relevant. The fires were raging all over the west by the time I got there, so the sun turned a fire red and visibility was low. It made everything surreal, which of course I loved!

Yoho National Park, British Columbia

All of Canada’s National Parks are free this year to celebrate their 150th anniversary as a nation, so I met my friends Adam and Jessica up at Emerald Lake Resort and we canoed, then hiked to Hamilton Lake (2,500 elevation gain!), then went to Banff the same day. Emerald Lake truly is a gem, as you can see in the background of these pictures.

Banff National Park, Alberta

This place is supposed to beautiful, but the smoke was getting worse as the day wore on and we just popped into Lake Louise, picked up a hitchhiker, then headed down to the town to grab some Timbits from Tim Horton’s. Then we hit up the Banff Hot Springs, which were a bit crowded, and saw the Elk above on the way out. What a day!

Kaslo, British Columbia

This is a magical little place on the north end of Kootenay Lake where people drive cars that are smaller than phone booths, eat Old Dutch Ketchup-flavored chips, and take vacations whenever the hell they want to. We were drinking at the Kaslo Pub and met a wonderful local couple named Terry and Janet who kindly welcomed us into their home and we all sang songs together. It was a magical experience! Then we made it down to Ainsworth Hot Springs which has a magical cave that you can swim in. Soooo relaxing:)

Nelson, British Columbia

My friend Adam grew up the Kootenays and called Nelson his home as a child. This region is incredibly beautiful and relaxed with a nostalgic hippy vibe. People have things figured out there for sure. We got up early and luckily got to see the Kokanee Salmon spawning. They come up from Kootenay lake and mate/give birth in the streams for a very short period each year, and the waters were chock full of them. Amazingly, a black bear mama and her two cubs were eating them out of the creek right before our eyes as the ranger quickly shooed everyone away. That was one of the most special moments of my whole trip, and I realize how fortunate we were to get a glimpse into the private world of bears (this blog won’t let me post videos, but I put one on Instagram).

Nelson is a medium-sized town that is both naturally beautiful and very modern. There are a lot of old draft-dodgers who moved here in the 70’s, as well as lots of young folks with money and good taste for beer and clothes and whatnot. We walked the streets for hours finding all kinds of funky surprises and spectacular views.

Kelowna, British Columbia

My buddy Adam met his father’s side of the family in Kelowna, a very modern city on the lake which is known as an upscale place for retirees and families. It’s definitely got a suburban vibe, but it still is full of relaxed Canadians and felt great to me. I planned on only staying one night, but after ingratiating myself to the Dragland family they insisted I stay for “one more dinner” and I wound up staying with them for 3 days. It was fascinating to be an outsider in such an intimate experience, watching wonderful folks spend time together and tell stories about their ancestors and memorable times growing up. I feel incredibly blessed to have been welcomed into their lives, and the food was to.die.for! I have to admit I was a little sad to go, but I will always remember my time with the Draglands. This is what travelling is all about.

Vancouver, British Columbia

By the time I made it to Vancouver the smoke from the fires was dying off due to a nice rain the night before. It’s an oceanic city, not unlike Seattle and SF, but I definitely didn’t come close to getting the flavor, as I was running behind schedule trying to get to Seattle. This only makes me long to return to Canada again and really take my time exploring all of the beautiful hikes and ski resorts around the city.

Seattle, Washington

My sister lives in Seattle with her boyfriend and dog (sadly, not pictured). I spent an incredible morning on Lake Washington by myself just swimming, doing yoga, and playing guitar, then headed to Capital Hill and explored the 15th Avenue area until everyone was off work. I’m so proud of my sister and her accomplishments, and I’m even prouder that soon she and her bf will be quitting their jobs and joining those of us who have decided to drop off the grid and really travel the world. I wish them the best of luck!

Portland, Oregon

My buddy Rives is originally from East Tennessee like I am, and I can’t pass through Portland without visiting him and his wife Tanya, who have a 2-year old named Hitch. Hitch is rad! Anyway, I saw the hipster mecca that is Alberta and was amazed at how much this area has changed in the past decade, much like Valencia Street in SF. It’s not my cup of tea, but I’m not surprised to see more and more people fall in love with Portland as I did many years ago.

Rives and I got to hang out a fair deal, picking guitars and waking up early to skate bowls on the East Side. It’s great to see your friends grow and become happier, healthier, and more full of love as they get older. I think it’s called maturity:) Having positive people in my life has changed the way I look at the world, and I’m so grateful to be welcomed into their homes. As I made the 10 hour drive back to the Bay Area on the last day of my trip I reveled in all of the profound experiences I had over the past 3 weeks and looked forward to more adventures. The road goes on forever and the party never ends…

For now I’m going to spend a few weeks playing music and getting ready to head to Iceland and Spain. I can’t wait to explore Europe and feel a part of something larger. Slowly, the fears and trepidation fall away to reveal the true nature of Being. It’s becoming easier every day to live in the moment and accept new realities and I find I need less and less possessions and comforts to feel familiarity and safety. There is definitely some sort of evolution taking place.

Places I didn’t get to visit but wanted to –

Utah:  The Extra Terrestrial Highway, Canyonlands, Arches, Moab, Uinta State Park

Idaho:  Idaho Falls, Boise

Wyoming:  East Yellowstone and Yellowstone Lake

Montana:  Rattlesnake Creek outside of Missoula, Lolo, Northern Snake River, Flathead Lake, Whitefish, Glacier National Park

British Columbia:  Fernie, Radium Hot Springs, Jasper National Park, Valhalla Provincial Park, Harrison Hot Springs, Whistler, Squamish, Victoria

Washington:  Bellingham, Olympic National Park, La Push

Oregon:  Crater Lake, Mt. Hood National Forest, Klamath Falls, Ashland

Road Trip to Canada I've just returned from an amazing 3-week road trip to Canada! Here are the places I visited along the way: