#this post took me bawling my eyes out four different times at the movies at the final scene
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how Denis Villeneuve built Paul and Chani's love story in Dune Part Two – from beginning to end
In their first romantic scene together Chani goes after Paul into the desert because she knows he won’t last on his own. By this point in time she already starts to fear for him- she knows he is brave and a good fighter, but she also knows it’s not enough. „You sandwalk like a drunk lizard!” We see her teaching him the sandwalk. This is when their melody is first played in the movie, this time it's quiet yet, merely an introduction. He is proud enough to say he knows how to sandwalk, but wise enough to admit he has a lot to learn from her. So he listens.
And listens and listens, earning her trust little by little. „You know I’m the only one who believes you’re gonna make it ’till the summer”. There is a scene here when you can’t even hear what she is saying. Instead it’s their melody playing still, while we see Paul’s (all smitten) face watching her, just explaining things to him.
Second important scene is when during the first fight, Chani’s life is in danger, and Paul jumps on her without a doubt in a split second, to protect her life with his own. They share a quick meaningful look before they get up from the ground. There are no questions left in her after this.
Third. In the tent after he was named Usul and Muad’Dib. Paul speaks chakobsa, with a proud look written on his face, and there are many people present, but it's all for her. He wants to be one of her people so badly, he does everything he can. And it's working, Chani is watching him speak as if he invented it. When Stilgar invites Paul to join him, he looks at her. Chani is nodding and so he gets up. It’s always her approval he is looking for. Everyone is hugging Paul and it’s Chani’s turn. We see their faces slowly touching, her lingering there for a moment.
The fourth one is when she gives in. We see them sitting together, watching the sunset. Her telling him about her name in the prophecy. „Your blood comes from dukes and great houses. We are not like that. Here, we are equal.” „I’d very much like to be equal to you.” She is smiling back at him „Maybe I’ll show you the way.”. Their first kiss- the melody returns for the second time. A little later she is shown leaning on him, literally. He has earned not only her trust, but her love, too.
This is when his nightmares start to kick in. He knows he can’t go south. At this point she starts to wear blue, which in the fremen culture (in the books) means a woman is pregnant – was changed in the movie to be the symbol of being in love or being taken.
We see their only love making scene. They are just laying there on each other, but she cannot turn her thoughts off. „There will be trouble.” „What are you talking about?” „The way they are looking at you. They worship you now.” She fears what is to come for him, but he reassures her. „I’m no messiah”. She then warms him about the stories his mother is spreading. During this scene their melody returns for the third time, programming our ears and brains to connect it to their intimacy and bond.
When Gurney appears, Chani thinks he is not to be trusted. Paul says "he is family" and as soon as he does she gets up to help him. It's the small things that tell you at this point that she will do anything for him, as long as it is the right thing to do.
Paul telling her about the Atreides atomic arsenal in the tent. How it could change everything. This is when we first see him being slightly intrigued by power. "You promised me you didn't want power". Paul switching it back on her with "no matter what I do, you still don't trust me". He is offended and tells her that he is fighting for her people, no matter what.
When they visit the arsenal you can see how scared she is. Paul is confused, but proud of his legacy- even if it is one that is big enough to destroy their planet. Their differences keep growing. He keeps having nightmares about losing her.
The final conflict in him is people pressuring him to go south, but he says he cannot, because he is afraid of the fundamentalists. Chani is the moral compass still, and she emphasizes he is right to be afraid of them.
"The world has made choices for us." Sounds like the beginning of a goodbye. We watch their last intimate scene together before it all changes irreversibly. "If I go south, I might lose you." "You will never lose me, not as long as you stay who you are". Tears rolling down his face. He knows already how much he is about to give up. She has no idea. "I will do what must be done". We see their goodbye kiss.
He drinks the water of life. She is furious but she runs to his rescue. She refuses to do so, but compelled by the voice, she saves his life- as it was written in the prophecy. When he wakes up she makes sure first that he is feeling well, then she slaps him and leaves. He emerges with a facial expression that is pure evil. At this point we know he is innocent no more and has switched to his dark side, the one that gives into power.
"She'll come to understand. I've seen it." He is so sure he can do whatever, and he'll still have her by his side... But when he arrives to speak at the gathering, Chani is the only one who doesn't kneel in front of him. He is still her equal in her head.
"I'm pointing the way!" as he shouts we can also see a switch in her. He's losing her. She's not looking at him lovingly at all anymore as she realizes it's her worst fear becoming reality in front of her eyes, and he is not the person she fell in love with anymore. She's angry, she loses hope, she's disappointed. Is about to give up on him.
When they go into battle, she still wears the blue scarf, not on her head anymore but on her arm. Still there with her, but barely.
The final scene. Everyone's gathering. He orders Gourney to bring the prisoners and then stops for one last moment before it's all about to go down. He looks behind his back. Chani's standing there, keep looking at him while he is about to walk up to her. Her facial expressions are childlike, showing how devastated and afraid she is, but she says "this isn't over yet" as if she was still hanging onto something. "I want you to know..." he says but he is looking at the ground, afraid to look her in the eye "...I will love you as long as I breathe". They lock eyes. It's his final moment to confess his everlasting love for her. Pain is written in his eyes. He knows it is goodbye, but she still has no idea what's about to happen. She sighs and swallows, furrowing her brows. No answer.
The prisoners arrive. Chani lifts her head up, trying to collect herself and stand proud. When he tells the emperor he is about to take his daughter's hand in marriage, we see Chani's face immediately. Her jaw drops. When he says "we will rule together", she is literally breathless, her eyes darting. She bites her lip before she looks up in disbelief. Straightening her pose once again, wanting to maintain her dignity.
Before Paul and Feyd-Rautha start their fight, Paul sneaks one last look at her to gather his strength. The music stops. We can only hear the knives and breaths during the fight. When he's on the ground, he can't help himself and looks for her. "She's your pet?" asks Feyd-Rautha. Chani shakes her head, visibly disgusted. Feyd-Rautha starts walking towards her, so Paul gets up immediately. This is when he knows he is going to end this man. But he gets stabbed and looks for her with fear in his eyes. Chani holds her breath in disbelief and her eyes widen.
He can barely breathe anymore, but he wins the fight. Chani is relieved, and gasps for air herself. Paul turns back to her, before he talks to the emperor. Her face lights up, showing how special he makes her feel in this exact moment, but in a second, her gestures return to the childlike frown that shows how betrayed she feels. Paul demands the emperor to kiss his father's ring. He does, the music starts again and the whole room gets on their knees.
Princess Irulan, Paul and Chani are the only ones left standing in the room. We hear their melody return, and build into something that is a lot bigger than them, and it's meant to break our hearts with the bittersweet sound. It was all about them leading up to this moment, and now they are no more. Irulan takes a look at the two of them, and realizes it all. Chani is shattered. Paul is not facing the Princess, but watches Chani leave (this is the last scene she is wearing blue), refusing to be a fool like everyone else. He shuts his eyes. He's never been in this much pain before, but he cannot show it. With her, Paul's last pieces of humanity leave, too.
#ive come a long way since ive called their love bs#this post took me bawling my eyes out four different times at the movies at the final scene#dune#dune part two#chani x paul#paul x chani#denis villeneuve#paul atreides#chani kynes#mine
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𝓦elcome to a brand new story from me that I never thought I would be posting but here we are! This chapter is very much introductory, which is like obvious being the first chapter but tbh I don’t really do a lot of introducing characters right off the bat in a descriptive way often so this was new for me! Also, I have an old taglist from a while ago when I was originally going to post this, but I don’t want to randomly tag people who may no longer be interested SO if you’d like to be included on a taglist for upcoming chapters please let me know! Thank you!
huge massive thank you to the incredible @youresogolden-h for editing ❤️
Chapter One: Where Happiness Begins (5.4k)
Harry and Y/N are friends…. with benefits, but not the kinds you’re thinking of.
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There was something very different when she woke that Saturday morning. Maybe her breath smelled a little worse than normal. Maybe the sun shined a little brighter through her curtains than it was supposed to...
Maybe there was someone in her bed who didn’t belong there.
“Oh my god.”
Friday night was not unlike every other night that week. There was an endless bag of chips she dug her Hot Cheeto dust covered fingers into and an over-watched series on Netflix open on her laptop in front of her. And when she wasn’t distracted by Sam and Dean Winchester, she was bawling her eyes out under the comfort of her thrifted quilt, staining her poor mismatched pillowcases.
Just like any given night.
And this Friday was no different. At least not until there was a knock on her door.
By the time she dried her face, it was almost completely unnoticeable she’d just been buried in hysterics only seconds ago.
“Harry’s coming over. You want anything from the store?” Will asked, the same Will who stuck them all together in the very beginning of splitting rent on an apartment four different ways.
He was the roommate who paid the most in rent and got the biggest room with his own private bathroom. One of the two roommates who constantly had his significant other over every night to make Y/N’s miserable time even worse. Between Will and Violet’s incessant need to take over the entire living room every weekend, Y/N was bound to end up in her own room alone crying her eyes out for no apparent reason.
Then there was her third roommate, James, who never bothered her because she was lucky to catch a fleeting glimpse of him every other week.
Y/N glanced at the phone he had pressed to his cheek, assuming Harry was on the other end of the line, on hold. Just the mention of his name sucked every sad little tear back into her skull. She didn’t know why, but having Harry around always seemed to do the trick.
Even though she barely spoke a word to him over the course of the last eighteen months she’d known him.
She buried her excitement about Harry coming over and frowned, answering as if she was she couldn’t care less even though... she cared way more than she should. “No.”
And before Will could protest, she shut the door in his face and retreated back to her bed.
Not every night was spent in agonizing spirals of self-pity and dread, but it came and went. Some days were fine. She was happy by the time she went to bed at night and didn’t have nightmares or anxiety that kept her up past her self-proclaimed bedtime. Most days, she ate regularly and went about her nightly routine with a genuine smile on her face. But recently, it had all gone to shit.
And there was no explanation. There never was. She didn’t just break up with a long-term boyfriend. No one called her an ugly bitch on the train home. Her boss didn’t yell at her for the umpteenth time about her inadequacies at work.
She was just... alone. Painfully and tragically alone.
She hated how black and white it was. That she was either happy to be alive or praying for a very large rock to fall on her and end it all. There was never an in-between and it made her feel like all her emotions were made up, like she wasn’t ever truly happy or she was sad over really stupid things.
It was a fucking nightmare.
Another agonizing thirty minutes went by before she heard from Will again. Before she heard more than just her roommate's voice through the thin walls. Before she could literally feel her
brain swell with more serotonin than she’d had in a long time when it was Harry’s voice she heard.
He was like an unusual ray of sunshine. Every time he was over at their apartment, it was like he was some kind of ancient sun god warding off all the evil spirits sitting on her shoulders. Which...she knew was quite strange, but she really couldn’t--nor did she want to--fight off how he made her feel.
Even if he wasn’t an internationally famous pop-sensation, she still couldn’t put her finger on why he made her feel like sunshine and butterflies whenever he was around. Which had been quite often recently on account of his upcoming album needing desperate help from Will.
Okay. She hadn’t heard a damn thing from the album, but the conversations they had about it weren’t always good. It was delayed, apparently, and Harry was in the middle of a massive writing block that led him to an impromptu trip to Barcelona the previous week.
And so now he was back. To work on the album, and, upon Y/N’s quiet arrival into the kitchen of her shared apartment, to pig out on junk food. Will hovered over the kitchen island while they figured out which movie, among a small stack of romantic comedies, to watch first.
Once Harry noticed her, he instantly stood up straight, shoving the last bit of a Kit-Kat bar into his mouth quickly to hide it from her; as if she cared about the Harry Styles munching on chocolate and sweets.
“What’re you doing?” Y/N asked Will, even though Harry was the only one paying her any attention. She didn’t often make eye contact with him, or even speak to him at all for that matter. But Harry was used to it. He was used to her mumbling and her short phrases. The way whenever he looked at her, she always looked away.
“Pretty Woman or Notting Hill?” Will turned to her finally, holding up both DVD boxes in his hands for Y/N to choose from, completely ignoring her previous question.
“Um... I’ve never seen them.”
Will rolled his eyes and placed the Blu-Ray boxes back down on the granite countertop, “Should’ve known that. You only watch scary shit.”
It was quiet after that for a moment. A long moment of Harry awkwardly glancing between Will and Y/N. Though his glances towards her did not come easily. Just the thought of looking at her was like his body went into fight or flight mode. Fight through the nerves and the butterflies in his stomach or fly the hell out of there.
She was like an unfriendly cat who didn’t seem to like him one bit, and it drove him insane. All his attempts to have a normal conversation with her had been fruitless. She never said more than one word to him at a time. Maybe two, if she was feeling generous. He didn’t get it at all, but he got used to it. Maybe she just didn’t have any room in her life for another person and certainly not for a person like him.
“Well, I vote for Pretty Woman,” Will said, making up everyone’s minds for them, and when he glanced at the other two, they didn’t seem to care. “Pretty Woman it is then. Y/N,” Will glanced at her exclusively while he began gathering snacks and the movie, “are you watching it too?”
“Uh.. no.” She continued into the kitchen, walking behind Harry toward the fridge and making every single nerve in his body light up. He had no idea why she, of all people on the planet he’d come into contact with, made him as nervous as she did. But, here he was. Stepping out of her way and swallowing the pit in his throat when he got a whiff of her all-too-familiar coconut scented shampoo.
And that scent just about made his head spin. It took him right back to the night he’d gotten drunk off his ass after a long day of work. She’d offered her bed to him since he was too tall for their couches, and she had been up late working herself anyways. Most of the night had been forgotten, but he very distinctly remembered stuffing his face into her pillowcases and letting the scent of her shampoo completely engulf his nostrils as he fell asleep. And it took him back to the following morning where he wobbled his hungover ass to the shower and accidentally (on purpose) used her coconut scented shampoo.
And then the entire rest of the day he smelled exactly like her and hadn’t gone a single minute without thinking of her. Thinking of her soft voice and what it would feel like to hear her saying his name just once. Thinking about the way she sometimes smiled at him like maybe she didn’t hate him as much as he thought. Thinking about her hair spread over her pillowcase and tucking loose strands behind her ear while she slept peacefully beside him...
Harry was also, very, very alone.
So alone that he spent more nights at other people’s homes, particularly Will’s, than his own. Even though he had an insanely expensive house all to himself up in the gated hills of Los Angeles, it was nothing compared to being surrounded by people he cared about instead of lifeless appliances.
He blamed it on the city. It always had a way of making him feel alienated. Even if it was the city that recognized him most often, it almost made him feel even more alone than he already was. Because none of the people he met along the way really knew him. They weren’t with him at the end of the day when he broke down on the floor in his bathroom. They didn’t see the dark parts of his life where he often wished he could take it all back just to be normal again. To have normal conversations and normal relationships with people he wasn’t constantly paranoid were trying to get something out of him.
So, in a way, he understood Y/N’s unwillingness to let him in, because he did it all the time. The thing he didn’t understand was why she had any reason to worry about the people in her life. No one was out to get her money or make themselves famous off of her. But there was a reason for it anyways, and it just about killed the curious cat in his mind every time he was at her apartment and she continued to not peep a single unnecessary word to him.
By the time he and Will had settled onto their respective spots in the living room, Harry tucked back into the cushions of their armchair and Will spread out on the loveseat opposite him, Y/N had already retreated back into her bedroom with her glass of ice water.
“Think that’s the most I’ve ever heard her talk.” Harry said, while Will skipped through the outdated commercials on the DVD.
Will’s lips turned up into a very knowing grin and he nodded, “She’s always been quiet, man. I told you not to take it personally.”
“How did you get her to talk?”
That was a question Harry had never asked before out of the countless stupid ones he had in the past. The stupidest was probably when he’d first met her and then proceeded to ask Will shortly after if Y/N was mute.
Will shrugged, “I’ve known her for a long time. It’s not like she goes on and on around me either though. That’s just how she is. And she probably just doesn’t like you that much.”
Harry huffed and sat back into his chair, giving up on it. He couldn’t force her to be his friend, as much as he wanted her to be.
The movie went on without Harry because he was completely lost in his own mind, however, Will seemed to be completely enthralled with Julia Roberts. Harry just couldn’t bring himself to focus on the television screen for more than a minute at a time.
It wasn’t until he heard a door down the hall click open that he brought himself back to reality and let his eyes wander to the sound behind him as Y/N stepped quietly out from her bedroom again. He knew she was the only other roommate home tonight and, yet, he still made the mistake of looking in her direction and, fucking finally, locking eyes with her. It was brief, but it was enough to stir up the enormous pot of butterflies in his stomach again.
Without a single word, she sat on the last unoccupied piece of furniture between the both of them, Harry still in a bit of shock and Will grinning with his eyes glued to the screen.
“Changed your mind, did you?” Will asked cheekily.
“Shut up,” she mumbled back at him before reaching toward the opened bag of untouched Hershey kisses. “Can I have one of these?”
Will finally peered over at her from his spot and then glanced at Harry across the coffee table, “You’ll have to ask Harry. He brought them.”
Her hand froze and she reluctantly turned her attention toward Harry, which had been the first time since he arrived that she voluntarily looked at him. She had no fucking clue how she was going to sit there and ask Harry for one of his Hershey kisses. Or if she even wanted them desperately enough.
The question went unasked, but the look on her face said more than enough. She was already waiting for his answer. And upon seeing the look on her face, Harry couldn’t possibly find it in himself to force her to say a damn thing. So he just cleared his throat instead, “Uh, it’s alright. You can have as many as you want.”
He watched as she grabbed a couple foil sealed chocolates and settled back into the corner of her own loveseat again, never willing to admit that he’d bought them especially for her. Because it had somehow managed to become common knowledge that they were her favorite candy and while wandering the local corner market, he spotted them and thought of her. His brain at the time thought there might be some minuscule possibility that if he brought one of her favorite foods over she might eventually start to like him.
Even if that didn’t happen though, he was still reeling from that one brief moment of interaction for the entire rest of the night. Splurging on an overpriced package of cavities had been well worth it.
It wasn’t until the movie ended that both Harry and Y/N realized Will was dead asleep. That he was no longer conscious enough to use the remote resting on his chest and turn the movie off. So, after a little while of staring at the credits, Y/N stood and grabbed it, flipping the controls until she brought up regular TV channels and then eventually settled for a horror movie Harry had never seen and had no intentions to. But, if it meant he got more time with Y/N, he’d sit through just about anything she wanted to watch.
And then finally, the sugar he’d consumed got to his head.
“Do you always watch scary movies before bed?” He asked, completely lost in his daydreams and not fully realizing he’d asked her a full-blown question until it was out of his mouth. Once he came to his senses, he wanted to shove every last word back into his mouth and pretend he never said anything.
That was, until a couple silent moments went by and she finally said something. “Makes the nightmares more interesting.”
He didn’t expect her to say anything at all, and so for her to say that, he had no idea how to respond to her. Was she being... sarcastic? He didn’t even know she was capable of being funny.
So he laughed, not too loudly in case she wasn’t joking. But all his worries were relieved when she glanced at him and giggled too.
He didn’t dare bring up any of the questions floating around in his mind in fear that she’d never speak another word to him ever again once he’d finally managed to break through the walls somehow. Now that he’d made groundbreaking progress with her, there was no way he was asking her why she never talked to him or why she was so quiet. So he kept a fine-tuned filter over what words came out of his mouth.
“Does that mean you have uninteresting nightmares then?” Harry really did try his damndest to think of anything to say that would get her to keep talking, because he wasn’t done listening to her voice or hearing bits of her brain spill out. He wanted to know everything about her, from her mouth only, but he also didn’t want to get too ahead of himself.
“Only on Sundays.”
“Why Sundays?” He asked through a muffled laugh, curious as to what she was on about.
“Because then the nightmares are about showing up at work naked on Monday morning... and that’s not very interesting.”
He couldn’t help the widespread grin on his face, or the way his eyebrows furrowed at how fucking weird she actually was. And she wasn’t even that weird. She was kind of normal, but this entire time he thought she wasn’t like him at all, so seeing her say things like a normal person was... weird.
“So what kind of nightmares does watching Annabelle at...” Harry checked his watch, and went into momentary shock at the time, but also couldn’t care less because he wasn’t leaving now, “two in the morning get you?”
She smiled, and refusing to look at him, settled for planting her eyes on the television instead. “Walking into work naked on Monday morning but,” she held up a finger in anticipation and Harry smiled wider, “all my coworkers are creepy dolls.”
“Guess at that point it doesn't matter if you’re naked then.”
She thought about for a moment before giggling at what he said, “No, I guess it doesn’t.”
There was silence between them again, but it was different this time. It was peaceful. It wasn’t full of awkward tension and things Harry wished she would say. It felt like two friends hanging out and enjoying each other’s company.
“Are you sleeping here or...” She finally asked him and he wasn’t sure if that was her way of asking him to leave or not. But something about it made him feel like she was building her walls back up again.
“Oh, uh... if that’s okay. Think I’m too tired to drive.”
“Yeah, it’s fine. I just wanted to know because I can sleep in Violet’s room and you can have my bed like before. If you want.”
“Oh, um, are you sure?” Under any other circumstances, he would have said no, that the short, uncomfortable couch would be fine. That he would get over the pain in his legs and back in the morning because he didn’t want to invade her space, again. Unfortunately for him, he already had the knowledge of what her pillows smelled like and how soft her sheets were and he desperately wanted to invade her space again.
She nodded. “It’s no problem. I’ll go clean up a little. Just let yourself in.”
She was gone before he could get another word out. And while he listened to her footsteps as she walked away from him, he stared blankly up at the ceiling, resting his neck back on the chair. It felt like he’d just been through a fever dream, like none of it was real. Not only did he have a normal conversation with her, but now she was offering her bed to him again as well.
He needed a moment to process things.
When she got done tidying up her room and replacing her blanket with a clean one for Harry, he appeared cautiously in the doorway, yawning as he watched her gather some of her things to take to Violet’s room directly across the hall.
“I turned the TV off and the lights. Will’s still quite dead out there.”
She smiled to herself and gave him a very fleeting glance before picking the last item she needed up off her side table and then finally facing him. “It’s all yours.”
Ushering him in, he stepped into her room like he wasn’t actually allowed to. Like he had never been there before. Like he hadn’t nearly puked all over her poor white bed sheets that one night.
She replaced his spot in the doorway as he sat down on the edge of her bed. He stared at her back as she walked away, not getting his hopes up about her saying anything else to him. So, when she did turn to face him again, it just about knocked the air out of him.
“Oh and Harry?”
“Yeah?”
“Could you try to not drool on my pillows this time?”
He glanced at the top of her bed where all her pillows were neatly stacked and cringed at the horrible memories he had and at the fact that he’d actually drooled on her pillows. Like a fucking animal. Like a dog who couldn’t control himself.
“Sorry ‘bout that...” He looked at her again, genuinely apologetic and completely embarrassed by his past, drunken self.
“It’s okay.” She smiled reassuringly, “Night.”
“G’night.” Harry mumbled just before she left and closed the door behind her.
And in all the talk about drool, it wasn’t until he was cuddled under her blanket and up against her mound of pillows that he realized something. She’d said his name, out loud, to his face, where he could hear it and obsess over it and never get sick of it. He repeated it over and over in his head and kept himself awake just thinking about the way it had sounded and if he’d ever get to hear her say his name again.
The faint hum of voices right outside the door woke him slightly. His entire body was still asleep except for about half of his brain and one eye that peeked open to investigate the noise. He could tell it was early, though, his eyes stung and his body ached to go fully back to sleep.
He could make out Violet’s voice, which confused his foggy brain because he swore Will had mentioned she’d be gone all weekend, and yet here she was yelling in the hallway and interrupting his sleep.
“Please just sleep on the couch then, I need to be alone right now.” Harry furrowed his eyebrows at how distressed she sounded and flinched when the door across the hall just about slammed shut.
He heard an exasperated sigh and then squeezed his eyes shut when he saw movement under the door to Y/N’s bedroom just moments before it opened. He pretended to be asleep for as long as he could, listening to the footsteps as they carefully wandered into the room.
And then a hushed, but very exclamatory, “Ow!” got him to roll onto his back and knuckle his eyes open.
She looked at him apologetically while grasping the big toe of her right foot. “Sorry.”
“S’okay.” His voice was a lot groggier and a lot more raspy than she expected it to be. And she kind of hated herself for enjoying the view, a little too much, of Harry waking up in her bed. While she got her thoughts under control, he continued. “Did Violet just kick you out?”
She simply nodded and went back to digging into her cabinets for spare pillows.
“What time is it?” He asked.
“Four-thirty.”
Then he slowly pulled her blanket off, still dressed in his shirt and joggers from last night but without his socks and rings he’d removed before bed.
She immediately turned to him, however. “You don’t have to get up. I’m fine on the couch.” “No, I would feel bad.”
“It’s okay, really. Don’t worry about it.” She got him to stop what he was doing and lay back into the bed again while she opened up more cabinet doors to find her extra bed sets.
He cleared his throat after a little while of watching her, and gathered up the largest bundle of courage he ever had, to say what he was about to say next. With nervous, shaking fingers and a cold sweat on the back of his neck, he voiced the stupidest idea he’d ever had in his life.
“We can just both sleep here... if that’s fine.”
She froze and he knew he’d made a mistake. Why in the actual fuck did he just suggest that? Maybe he was sleep deprived. Maybe he was still reeling from last night. Maybe he had some false sense of security with her and completely forgot about the fact that last night had been the first time she’d said that many words to him. Of course she wasn’t about to climb in bed with him.
“Oh, um...” She finally found a couple pillows and pulled them from the cabinet while turning her attention back to Harry. She could not deny how desperately she wanted to crawl back into her own bed. And have a warm body next to her, which she had literally never had. No one had ever slept in her bed besides Harry, and definitely not with her. Sure, she’d slept in friends’ beds before on occasion, but this was different. It was her own bed and this was Harry, not her college friends.
So maybe it was the sleep-deprivation talking.
“Okay.”
In all forms but physical, his jaw had just hit the floor. Never in a million years or in any other infinite alternate realities would he have thought they’d end up here, with Harry sliding over to one side of the bed to make room for her while she crawled in beside him. Her queen size gave lots of room in between them, so it wasn’t as weird as it sounded. It was just two, very tired loose-knit friends sharing a bed for a few hours.
“Goodnight, again.” Harry mumbled, realizing too late that it was technically morning now.
“Mhm,” was the only response he got out of her when she curled up under the blanket they shared and went straight back to sleep with her back to him.
And once his nerves settled, he did the same.
It was a lot easier than either of them thought possible. And for a long while, they stayed on their respective sides of the bed. But once she was lost in dreamland and he was already letting out soft snores, there was no control over what happened next. She turned and cuddled right up to his side as if her unconscious mind thought he was some kind of pillow to cradle. She wasn’t all to blame, though, as his arm wrapped around her shoulders and pulled her even closer. Closer than either of them had been to another living being in a long time. As close as her forearm spread across his chest and her head nestled into his neck. Close enough to smell his cologne but not realize why or stop any of it from happening. Not that she would have wanted to if she had any clue what she was doing. Not that he would have wanted to either.
With his hand digging into her waist, they both were mildly aware of what was going on, but both were also still too lost in their exhaustion. So, it just happened. And they held each other tighter as the minutes passed and the dreams took over once again. Because they both needed it. To hold and to be held. To feel the pressure of another person and the heartbeat on their skin. And all the loneliness in their bones melting away with each other’s touch as if they’d never been alone in the first place.
The only thing that could ever separate them was the knock on her door at nine a.m. Everything was a little fuzzy at first before she blinked a few times and realized that what she’d been using as a pillow wasn’t exactly stuffed with cotton and lined in silk. With a gasp, she pulled away from him abruptly. Ceasing all contact. Not because she wanted to necessarily, but because she would rather Harry not find out she was all over him like she had just been.
“Oh my god,” she whispered quietly in disbelief, mentally punching herself in the face for what she’d just woken up to.
But her embarrassment only skyrocketed when she dragged her eyes up his neck to his chin, then his nose and finally saw him staring right back at her with furrowed brows like he was just as confused as she was. When he glanced at the door is when she moved to do something about it.
Quickly, she pulled the covers off of herself and opened her door only the smallest amount possible. Just enough to peak her head out, but not enough for Will to see Harry in her bed. Where she’d just been sleeping right next to him. Or... right on top of him, as it seemed.
“Did Harry go home last night?”
With absolutely no plan to go along with her lie, she still figured it was the better option than to admit to Will she’d been in the same bed as Harry. That she’d been all fucking over him for who knows how long.
“Um, yeah. After you fell asleep.”
From behind her, Harry quietly smacked his hands over his face and fell back dramatically into her fluffy pillows.
“Oh, ok. Vi won’t come out of her room, but I’m going to go get breakfast from Jade’s. You want anything?”
“No, I’m alright, thanks.” Her words fused together in a flash, just trying to get the least amount of information out as quickly as possible so she didn't accidentally say something suspicious.
She shut the door on him with a smile before Will could even offer her a pastry from their most loved local cafe. Once that was dealt with, and she had a moment to gather her thoughts as she stared at her door, she slowly turned around to face Harry.
Her cheeks were probably bright red and full of embarrassment seeing him there amongst her sheets; as if once she had turned around he wouldn’t actually be there, like maybe she’d dreamt the whole thing.
But no.
He was there. And he was very real. And very much looking at her like they were both insane.
“I’m sorry,” they said it at the exact same time, cutting each other off from saying anything else.
“No, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have, um...” Harry started once he found an opportunity to speak again, but he didn’t exactly know what he was apologizing for. He wasn’t sorry for how they’d ended up. He had the best four and a half hours of sleep he’d ever had.
“I shouldn’t have been like... all on you like that.” She averted her eyes when she spoke, not able to look him straight on and admit it. And she knew she was only apologizing because she felt embarrassed and like she had to. She felt like she’d invaded Harry’s space and took advantage of him.
“You don’t have to apologize.”
She just shrugged. Nothing he said at this point could make her feel any less horrible about it. And even so, some part deep down inside of her, when she finally looked at him again, wanted to get right back into that spot with him for another few hours.
It just felt... right. And even though she couldn’t remember what she dreamed about, she knew it wasn’t her usual nightmare. She had felt safe and secure, and not so alone anymore, sleeping beside him like that and she felt stupid knowing it would never happen again.
“I should get going then. Before Will comes back and realizes I didn’t actually leave.” Harry let out an exasperated laugh as he began getting up, sitting himself on the edge of her bed with his back facing her as he stretched. The fabric of his shirt tugged along his muscles as he flexed them awake, and she grew far too overwhelmed thinking about the fact that those fucking arms of his had been around her for the better half of the morning. She could still feel him holding onto her and his grip at her side.
She needed a very cold shower and some fresh air.
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Enough [Jackson Wang feat. Park Jinyoung]
Word Count: 2232
Genre: Angst
Prompt: #28 - “I can’t believe you convinced me to do this!”
A/n: Requests are open, but I am busy at the moment and will get you your requests when I can.
Prompt List | Master List
You just entered your apartment, taking off your shoes when you heard the doorbell. You then felt your phone buzz in your hand, the backlight adding to the light above you. You look to your screen to see a message from your favorite person on the planet, who also happens to be the same person who tends to rip your heart out and pulverizes it without knowing. Such a dense cookie. The thought makes you roll your eyes.
The message is from your best friend, Jackson Wang, and says that he was outside your door.
Jackson’s been your best friend forever; however, somewhere along the way, you developed feelings for him. You hate yourself for subconsciously doing so. Between realizing you have feelings for your best friend there have been four times when you have tried to tell him about your feelings for him and each time he bursts out talking about this new girl he’s met and is interested in. But this time will be different! I mean Jackson has been single for literally only one week after his most recent breakup, but there was one time when it only took him a week and a day to get over one of his past exes.
This time you will tell him, or so you thought as you open the door. But really when is Jackson not the first person to start talking between the two of you?
“Y/n, thank goodness your home. You will never believe this girl I met, today.”
“What? A new girl already? Jackson, it’s only been a week?!”
“Life’s short, you can’t let it keep you down! But anyway, this girl, her name is…”
And just like that your desire to tell Jackson about your feelings dissipates into vapor. Smoke. Poof, just gone. You take this as a sign that the universe is telling you that you and Jackson just aren’t meant to be anything more than friends. So you hold in your feelings as per usual and go about your routine of being there and going above and beyond for him without telling him how much you love him.
Life continues and it’s game night at Jackson’s. There’s the typical crowd, but you see a new face. It’s the new girl that Jackson’s been seeing for a few weeks now. She’s pretty, you think. You put on a smile when Jackson introduces her to you and after the little chat, you look around to see your friends are giving you looks of pity. They all know how much you love Jackson, but they also know how dense Jackson can be to things or people he isn’t too interested in. Jackson continues introducing her to everyone, one by one, before telling everyone that they were partners for the night.
You saw that coming and are happy that Jinyoung asked if you wouldn’t mind being his partner. Jinyoung’s the only one who you were comfortable with besides Jackson at the party. You and Jinyoung also won all the games that night. It made you feel a bit better knowing you won, it helped you distract yourself from how much Jackson and his new girlfriend were being all cutesy and couple-like.
“Thank you, Jinyoung.”
“No problem, Y/n, but you deserve better.”
“I know you like being right all the time, Jinyoung, but on this subject can we just not, please?”
“All I’m saying is it's okay to put yourself first, sometimes. Even if you what you do could potentially drift you away from someone you care about.” Jinyoung says as he walks you to your car after leaving Jackson’s place. You smile and nod as your reply to him before hugging him then leaving home.
You let Jinyoung’s words linger in your mind even after you got home. Suddenly a ping rings from your phone, alerting you that you got a notification from Instagram. You saw it was from Jackson tagging you in post. When you opened it, it was the group picture from the party and in the back row, you see Jackson and his new girlfriend share a sweet kiss. And oh how it stung. It hurt you so much that something in you snapped at you threw your phone to the wall, shattering the device. You don’t remember what happened after that, as you blacked out, but when you woke up your house was trashed.
Your throat felt raw and when you looked in the mirror, that was broken, you can barely make out how puffy your eyes look. You think back to what happened and you remembered seeing the picture and you broke down again. You fall to your knees and cry out all the tears your body could produce. There you were in your bathroom, on the floor, curled up into a ball and bawling your eyes out because you were heartbroken. You lost track of time for a few days then, but eventually, you couldn’t cry anymore. You were so numb that you went into full instinct mood. You would order for food and you showered before cleaning up your apartment. But as you looked around, all you can see were memories you shared with Jackson.
Laughing throughout the house, cuddling on the couch or in your bed while watching a movie, studying when you both were still in school in the dining room, that time when he was dancing in the hall and space wasn’t wide enough that he ended up getting hurt by hitting his arm on the wall. Everywhere you looked you saw Jackson. It’s then that you decided to move. You didn’t tell anyone and the process really didn’t take as long as you would have thought to sell your apartment and move. In a span of two weeks, because where your apartment is located and a lot of people wanted to live in the neighborhood, it was an easy sell. And after that, you were out of there.
You moved to an area where you know Jackson wouldn’t be going to, where you didn’t know anyone. You’ve been living happily for three months now. Well, that’s was until you met your neighbor’s son.
“Y/n?”
“Jinyoung! What are you doing here?”
“My parents stay in this building, do you live here?”
“I do. I just moved in. I took your words into consideration and this is where I ended up.”
“Y/n, I have to warn you…” Jinyoung never finished his sentence, but you soon figured out what he was trying to say because just then the one voice you didn’t want to hear stabs your ears from behind.
“Y/n?” Jackson spoke. “This is where you’ve been? I’ve been trying to find you for months now! What the fuck?!”
“Hello, Jackson,” you say with no emotion, but inside your organs were running and flipping like the damn Olympics were being held there.
“That’s all you’ve got to say? Did you not hear me?”
“I heard you, I don’t know how anyone CAN’T hear you with how loud your being.”
“WELL WHAT DO YOU EXPECT WHEN MY BEST FRIEND DROPS OFF THE FACE OF THE PLANET?!? I THOUGHT SOMETHING BAD HAD HAPPENED TO YOU.”
“I’m alive, obviously Jackson.”
“I’m gonna leave you two alone,” Jinyoung says as he makes his way to the elevator.
“Enjoy your visit with your parents, Jinyoung,” You smile at him from ear to ear.
“Hey, Y/n, I’m talking to you! Don’t just act like I’m not here.”
“What do you want, Jackson?”
“I want answers, dammit!”
Even now there was still some part of you that missed Jackson, A part that wanted nothing more than to run into his arms, cry, and say sorry for how you’ve been acting. However, that part of you that was over all of the pain you put yourself through with being by his side as just a friend won out and held your ground of being practically emotionless.
“Fine, but not here. We can talk on the upper garden floor.”
Usually, there isn’t anyone up there around this time of night so you hopefully won’t be, too, embarrassed after your conversation with his man who you love, yet hate at the same time.
“I can’t believe you convinced me to do this, Jackson!” You say when you two are alone.
“I want answers, Y/n. Why didn’t you tell you were moving? No call, no text, no email, nothing!”
“I needed to get away from there.”
“But that doesn’t explain why you didn’t tell me about any of it.”
“It’s a guy issue, Jackson.”
“Did someone hurt you? Who is it? Tell me and I’ll kick their ass!
“Even if it’s yourself?” You shout. You couldn’t contain your anger.
“What?”
“This is what I meant by my saying that I can’t believe you convinced me to do this. Seriously how hard is it for you to see it, Jackson? I mean everyone we know and are friends with can see it and it’s for that reason that I left.” You finished in a whisper. Your words sink into Jackson as the silence blankets the both of you, adding to the weight of them. Jackson, your best friend, couldn’t believe what he was hearing, his best friend, and the one who he considered family saw him as someone more than he could be to them.
“I know you don’t see me that way Jackson and I know you have a girlfriend. These facts are the reason I left!” You were back to shouting. “Look, Jackson, fuck it, forget this ever happened and just know that all I want is for you to be happy. But if that isn’t possible after what I’m about to say then a part of me is sorry, but for my sake Jackson, I can’t stay in this space of just being friends with you. It hurts too much,” tears fall as you choke on the words traveling out past your lips.
Jackson, for a second, stands there with his jaw on his feet, but he quickly recovers. He tries to step closer to you, but you back away. His heart breaks at the fact that he’s the reason for your tears, all of them. However, he was also angry.
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“I wanted to, but when I wanted to you, all those five times might I add, you always come running to me saying how you got yourself a new girl you liked! I know why all of them like you Jackson, it’s for the same reason that I do. You’re amazingly well-rounded in your interests and caring towards people. Your light is so bright it’s hard to not smile when you’re around. You’re also effortlessly funny despite how much of an asshole you can be when you want to be the center of attention or competing with someone for anything. But you’re never single long enough for me to tell you how I felt! And at the time I didn’t want to lose you as my best friend. I couldn’t see myself not having you in my life, but it hurts too much now for me to care. I want to be over you Jackson, for both of our sakes.”
“Whoa, hold up! You should have still told me something sooner! I thought we are close enough to tell each other everything?!”
“I’ve told you how much I love you Jackson and I’ve shown you that fact, too! Who is the person who is ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU AFTER EVERY BREAKUP? WHO IS THE ONE WHO WILL RISK EVERYTHING AND HAS TRIED RISKING EVERYTHING FOR YOU JACKSON? Their car, their house, their life?!? ME THAT’S WHO! DO YOU REALIZE HOW STUPID YOU CAN ACT SOMETIMES LETTING YOUR MOUTH OR EMOTIONS PUSH YOU INTO ACTION?!?
“And I can’t do it anymore Jackson, I can’t. Yes, you have done a lot for me, too, but I promise you right now I’m too heartbroken to stay in your life. I know that if I stayed I would make it worse than it is right now for you, your new girlfriend, and myself. You are one of the best people I know Jackson and I love you so much that it hurts to see you smile, laugh, and be happy because of someone else. And seeing that picture you posted after that last game night made me snap. I blacked out and trashed my apartment probably from pure anger from how trashed it looked the next morning. There have been countless nights where I’ve cried both to you and when you weren’t there about you. I even made convinced you it was about some other guy who you would call a douchebag for making me cry, but it was all you. I can’t do this anymore Jackson!”
“So, that’s it? We can’t even be friends anymore? Just like that?”
“No we can’t Jackson and this may be sudden to you, but it’s not to me. I know that before you said you thought we will always be by each other’s side in the future. However, I don’t think so. I don’t know what my future holds, but right now I know I don’t want you in mine. For so long as I hold these feelings for you, I don’t want anything to do with you.” With that, you ran away like the coward you felt like.
#got7 angst#got7 Jackson angst#jackson wang angst#got7 scenarios#got7 imagines#got7 requests#mara-twins writing#prompt list requests#kpop writings#kpop angst requests#kpop boy groups#kpop male idol#jackson wang x reader#got7 jackson x reader#jackson wang x you#got7 jackson x you#got7 x you#got7 x reader
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Old and New Friends (ROTTMNT Fanfic)
Chapter 4
“Ignoring what Leo just said,” April narrowed her eyes at the Red-eared Slider, who smiled sheepishly and apologetically. “I will continue.”
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Ever since that fateful day, young Casey and April became fast friends. During their time in Preschool, they find out that they actually live a few blocks down from each other. The two even found out that they share the same interests, such as Lou Jitsu and Jupiter Jim movies and sports.
“I can’t tell who is cooler: Jupiter Jim or Lou Jitsu?” Casey questioned one day. They were having trouble about which franchise they should choose.
“I think they’re both cool,” April stated. “Besides, does it really matter which is better?”
The Latin-American boy hums and rubs his chin in thought. After a while, he finally answered, “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
When Preschool ended, they spend most of their summer at either April or Casey’s apartment. They were overjoyed when they found out that they were going to attend the same elementary school together and in the same homeroom as well.
“This is awesome!” The two kids laughed, happily. However, their first year of school had it’s ups and downs. For starters, Vernon “Vern” Fenwick, the same bully from Pre-k, is also in the same class as them, along with his friends. Although, April and Casey still managed to stand up to them whenever they try to do anything.
“Look, it’s Four-Eyes O’Neil!” Vern shouted, pointing at April. The children were now in third grade with the bullies laughing at her. She had gotten glasses a few days ago after an appointment with her eye doctor. They were red-colored with yellow lenses like the ones she wear in the present: the only difference is that they were squared at the time.
“Hey, I think they look cool!” Casey protested in her defense. They have always had each other’s backs, a fact that some of their peers actually found it amazing.
The two best friends are now 11 years-old and have just graduated from elementary school. They had plans to go over before they become sixth graders in East Wing Middle School. But... it was also the time when...
April burst into her apartment with tears in her eyes and ran straight to her bedroom. Her parents glanced at each other with worried expressions before walking over to check up on her. They opened the door to find the girl sobbing onto her pillow, her glasses resting on her head.
“Sweetheart, what’s wrong?” Mrs. O’Neil stroked her curly locks in order to calm her down.
“I-It’s Casey!” She said between tears. “H--H--He told me that he and his family are m-moving!!” Her parents then exchange guilty looks before looking back at their daughter.
“Honey... we were going to tell you this later, but... it seems that he wanted to tell you instead.” Mr. O’Neil explained.
“What?” She asked in confusion. They informed her that Mr. Jones was required to transfer to California at the last week of July because of his job. Therefore, it means that they have to leave New York behind. The next day, Casey and April decided to have as much fun as possible until then. But before they know it...
It was the day of the big move, The O’Neils were saying goodbye to the Jones family. “It’s not going to be the same without you, Casey,” April says, trying not to cry. She gives him a Lou Jitsu action figure as a going away present.
“Thanks April... and you’re the greatest friend I’ve ever had,” The two hug with tears threatening to leave their eyes. They let go as Casey goes into the car and his father drives away along with the moving vans. April just watched until they were completely out of sight.
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“And that’s the story.” Sobs escaped from the mutants, surprising the bespectacled African-American teenager.
“That was the saddest story ever!” Sunita bawled out as she blows her nose. Even Donnie was touched by this heartwarming story.
“Well, it was a long time ago,” April looks down, sadly. Her phone buzzes and she looks at the screen and sighs. “My parents are almost home. Time for you guys to jet.”
After bidding their farewells, her friends leave through the front door of her apartment. She went back to her room with a tired look on her face, Mayhem following behind her.
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Meanwhile, a car and a couple of moving vans are approaching the apartment building that is next doors to April’s.
A Latin-American teenage boy came out of the car. He is wearing a orange beanie that is covering most of his shaggy hair and he has a slit on his right eyebrow. His outfit is a bright green long-sleeved shirt with the upper half having a lighter green hue. The jacket he has on matches his shirt with a red collar, pockets, and a skull breathing fire. He is wearing navy blue jeans and black and white sneakers on his feet. Finally, he has black fingerless gloves over his hands.
“Well... after five years, we’re finally back,” He sighs with a small grin.
*I’m really sorry for having everyone wait for two days. I said that I’d post this chapter the following day, but it took longer than expected. I hope this makes up for the wait.*
*I added Vernon Fenwick and portrayed him in my own twist. In the fanfic, he was Casey and April’s childhood bully.*
*Rise of TMNT and their characters belong to Nickelodeon. Casey’s design for the fanfic belongs to @chrompoised, who is a talented artist and was kind to allow me to borrow her design.*
#rise of the tmnt#rise of tmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt mikey#mikey rottmnt#leo rottmnt#rottmnt leo#rottmnt raph#raph rottmnt#april o'neil#rottmnt april#april rottmnt#donnie rottmnt#rottmnt donnie#rottmnt sunita#sunita rottmnt#mayhem#mayhem rottmnt#rottmnt mayhem#casey jones#rottmnt casey jones#casey jones rottmnt#rise of tmnt fanfic#fan fiction#fanfic#old and new friend fanfic
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What I’d Say
I’d be lying if I said that these last few weeks have been easy. I may be the only person in the world wishing to go back to 2020. I had no idea that heading into 2021 would mean so much sadness, disappointment, and feeling broken. Even if I had to go back to January 2020 and relive the entire year, just to get to the last 6 months that were great, I’d relive all of the pain that I felt leading up to that point.
James stopped talking to me. On Sunday, he texted me to say that he promised he would call me later and give me some answers. He never called and I haven’t received any texts from him since. I’m at the point where it takes everything in me to resist the urge to text him, even knowing he won’t respond, just because not communicating at all, even if it’s one sided, means facing the reality that it’s really over.
Since we may never speak again, here’s what I wish I could say:
Dear James,
A week before I met you, I was in Canada for work with my friend, Shasta. I was dealing with the pain of being stonewalled and ignored by someone that I cared about at the time. It was exactly a week from the last unanswered text that I sent him to our first date.
Gosh... I remember July like it was yesterday. I was smiling all day on July 2nd while we messaged back and forth on Bumble. When you asked if I wanted to meet up that night, I was so excited... but not too excited because your Bumble profile said that you were only looking for “something casual”.
I was walking down the hallway in my hotel when I first saw you. You were recording the self-playing piano on your phone, probably posting on your Instagram stories because now I know, you love to post stories. I can just picture you there. If I close my eyes, it’s like we’re still back there, meeting for the first time.
We walked into town together and went to the Cowboy Bar and later headed to Stillwest. It was at Stillwest when you started opening up to me. I loved how easy you were to talk to and I felt like we connected right away; two people who had both been cheated on in their long-term relationships.
I didn’t want that night to end and even though I had work to do that night, I didn’t care that we were out late and I wasn’t concerned about getting it done. I guess we both realized that day that we couldn’t let it end after that one date because you asked me if we could meet up again the following night. Without hesitation, I said yes.
You walked with me back to my hotel and we said “goodbye” and from my room that night, while thinking about you, fireworks appeared right outside my window. It was like the whole world was celebrating that we met.
The whole next day, I couldn’t wait for our date. When you picked me up that afternoon, we drove out to Teton Village where we took the gondola up to the top of the mountain where we sat on the patio, taking in the views, and enjoying happy hour.
We then drove through Grand Teton National Park and right as the sun began to set, we walked out to Jenny Lake and I felt like my breath was taken away by the beauty of it all. It was there that you kissed me for the first time.
We finished off the night back in town having drinks and I felt like I had never connected with anyone so fast in my life. When I left the next day, I was smiling but sad because I wasn’t sure when I’d see you again.
Only a couple of weeks later and you came to Texas to visit me. I never stopped thinking about you during those few weeks. We had some great days together and then you left when I went to work. You were gone for less than 24 hours when I told you that I had shingles and would be staying home from work. You asked if you could come back and of course, I said yes.
It was only a couple of days after that when we made our relationship official and you told me that you loved me shortly after that. I wasn’t scared and I wasn’t unsure because I knew that I loved you like a love I had never felt before.
Over the next many months, we spent most days together. The days apart were hard but I always knew that I’d see you again soon. We had so many adventures together. I loved visiting you in Wyoming at the end of August when you had me hike up an insane mountain. There’s no one else that I’d hike up a mountain like that for-- only you.
Every time we had to say goodbye, I swear I cried a little harder. You were here with me in Texas for most of September and when you left, I think you were gone for maybe four days before coming back because we both hated being apart.
In October we spent a weekend in South Padre with your friend and his girlfriend and the following weekend we went on a road trip with my dogs to check out breweries in Houston. For Halloween weekend, we drove down to San Antonio to visit your parents.
November got a little harder. Maybe I tend to sabotage things when I sense that they might end. I’ve always felt like it’s easier to hurt someone else before they can hurt you, you know, beat them to the chase. The weekend before we went to Winstar (the casino), we got into a fight. It was the biggest fight we ever had. You left and were planning on going back to Wyoming. The two days we spent apart, I realized that I never wanted to be without you again. Even though distance sucks and it’s difficult, it’s so much harder to lose you forever than it is to lose you temporarily.
I went to the casino alone but you came the second night. We ended up having a great time. I felt like if we could get past that fight then we could get past anything. I stopped going to see my therapist because I felt like we had handled that on our own and maybe I didn’t need her anymore. I was so wrong.
We made it another week. I soaked in that last week together in Texas before I went to New Jersey for Thanksgiving and you heading to Wyoming for opening weekend for snowboarding. Did we both know then that that was the beginning of the end? I remember yelling at you in the car the night before you left because I got lost and stuck in traffic on the way to the airport to pick up my mom. We managed to get through it and did okay for a few days.
While I was in NJ, you started giving me the silent treatment. I went back and forth a few times about whether or not I should meet you in Wyoming because I wasn’t sure if you wanted me there. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy, which is why I had volunteered to go there to be with you so you could spend more time there instead of rushing back to Texas to be with me. I thought I could give you everything-- let you have Wyoming and be there with you because we were happy together, right?
We had a great time together in Wyoming but something felt off, something felt different. I felt like there was this distance between us but I told myself that it was that we had just become so comfortable with each other that we had become a little boring. We had a routine while I was there-- we’d work during the day and then we’d go to happy hour, sometimes the grocery store, and go back to your apartment to watch TV together in bed and drink hot toddies before falling asleep.
I was only supposed to stay for a week and the day I was suppose to leave, we got in a fight because the original plan was that you’d come back to Texas with me. I didn’t like the idea of going back to Texas alone for no reason when I wanted to be with you. I wanted as much time as possible with you. I basically begged you to ask me to stay and after some time, you did. Maybe I should have just told you I wanted to stay. I know I didn’t go about that in the right way.
I stayed for another five days or so and we had many more great times but something was still off, wasn’t it? When you drove me to the airport I tried so hard not to cry but I couldn’t stop myself. You dropped me off and hugged me and kissed me goodbye. I was bawling my eyes out.
I cried going through security, waiting for the plane, and then through the whole flight. I missed you so much already. Subconsciously, did I know that I’d never see you again after that day? Did I know then that it was over?
I had a countdown. I went to New Jersey for Christmas and you went to San Antonio but were going to come to NJ the day after Christmas for a few days. The flights were pretty full and I didn’t know if you’d be able to get there. Looking back at all of this, can I ask you something? If you knew it was so important to me, why didn’t you buy a ticket?
Instead of buying a ticket to come to me, the day you were supposed to come to NJ, you instead texted me, first saying that you didn’t want to end it but in the very next text, you told me that it was over. You drove back to Dallas with your sister instead and I was left feeling crushed and confused.
Without a word, you went back to Wyoming before New Years, leaving me alone to figure out how to get my dogs back to Texas with me and knowing that you were abandoning me on New Years when we had made plans.
I don’t know what has happened over these last few weeks. I really don’t understand it. What went so wrong in our relationship that we couldn’t even try to fix it? All I wanted was answers so I could understand and learn from it, even if it meant never getting back together.
I’ve gone through other breakups in the past and I immediately jumped back onto the dating apps to swipe to meet new people and go on dates. This time is different. I have no desire to go on dating apps or meet new people. It’s hard to move on when I still love you so much. Will I find another love like ours?
Even with all of the hurt and lack of communication recently, there’s still a part of me that wishes that the movies were real and you’d surprise me and show up at my door and we’d hug and swear that this would never happen again. You’d tell me that you made a huge mistake and you’re sorry for all of this and you want to work it out. Movies aren’t real life though but every time my dogs bark or I hear a car outside, I’m disappointed because you’re not there. Cupcakes from my job showed up on Wednesday and when the doorbell rang, I wished it was you but I guess cupcakes are the next best thing.
I didn’t realize at the time but my camera in my kitchen recorded the times we were together in my house. I see the smiles on those people in the early days and I know that they were real and genuine. I know how I felt and I think I know how you felt at the time, too. Can we go back there? Can we time travel back to July and be those people again? Sometimes I just want to get lost in those recordings. I think that if I watch them long enough then we’ll be transported back there.
If I never see you again, I’ll remember all of the great times we had-- from the first day we met to floating in my pool during the summer to road trips and vacations, hiking mountains, happy hours, breweries, and the every day, like sitting in my backyard together and all of the times you hugged me and said, “You make me so happy”. I’ll remember you laying on the floor of my closet one night, telling me, after a few drinks, that you wanted to lay in a field and look up at the stars with me and that you wanted love like your parents found in each other. All of the times we talked about our future together and not about “if” we got married someday but “when”.
Telling people that it’s over between us has been hard... very hard. Shasta and my therapist (who I decided to go back to after all) both told me that they thought I’d be telling them that we got engaged and not that we broke up. I don’t know who was more shocked-- me or them?
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for whatever it was that finally broke us. I’m sorry for the things I said when I was mad and hurt. I’m sorry that I can’t wish you happiness right now. I just hope that you’re missing me as much as I’m missing you. I hope your world feels a little quieter and lonely without me in your life. I hope you never find a love that compares to ours. I hope someday you look back and realize that you let go of something so amazing. I hope that I’m wrong and that the day at the airport wasn’t the last time I’ll have ever seen you.
I still hope that someday we can go on adventures together again. Until then, I’ll be taking a trip to Disney, like we had planned, and Seattle, where you said you had never been but wanted to go. I’m still going to go on these adventures alone and hopefully through time spent with old friends, maybe I’ll find myself again. Maybe I’ll find a way to be happy again, even if it means being happy without you.
Please know that I’ll always care about you. You’ll always have a piece of my heart. I hope, if nothing else, someday maybe we can be friends and talk. I’m releasing you, I’m letting go of the hold you have on me. I forgive you. I need to find peace and I’m not here for revenge. I’ll remember you in all of the best ways.
I (still) love you,
Annie
xoxo
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Zabdiel - 36: “We’ll figure it out”
Word count: 1,700+
look at me I’m back y’all
I hope this isn’t bad, I’m a little rusty. Enjoy!!
It’s been 5 months with this gentle giant and you’re probably the happiest you’ve been in a long time. His calm and relaxed nature took away your stress and anxiety, and his goofy and silly side brought joy and sunshine to your life. His hugs and embraces surrounded you with warmth; his kisses were sweet, tender, and caring. You loved him so much in such a short amount of time, and he felt the exact same.
And that’s probably how you ended up here, sitting on the bathroom floor, silently bawling your eyes out with the stick in your hand. That little stick changed everything within seconds. The plus sign. Four sticks and four plus signs later, the reality of it all was yet to sink in.
Recently you started feeling nauseous in the morning, only chalking it up to be a cold or from bad food. Your cycle was relatively regular so when you missed your period your heart sunk like a ship inside your chest.
With the proof right in front of you, you thought back since your last period. The boys brought you clubbing a couple nights, and in the midst of drunken love, you two may have forgotten a condom a time or two. Mistake number one.
The two of you had been intimate in your relationship for a while now and not once did birth control cross your mind. Condoms should be good enough, right? Not when you forget them. Mistake number two.
“Amor, ¿todos bien?” Zabdiel’s voice called from the other side of the bathroom door. He had stayed at your place for the night, but you thought he was asleep.
“Oh, e-everything’s fine!” You tried your best to mask the noticeable change in your voice from crying. “I was just gonna get in the shower!”
“Do you want me to join?” He chuckled. It made you happy, but as you stared at that pink and white stick, his words kind of stung.
“I’m running late for work amor, maybe next time.” What a stupid excuse.
“Pues, I’m going to go meet Richard, I’ll call you later cariña. Te quiero.” He made a kissy noise barely audible through the wooden door.
“Te quiero más.”
You waited to hear the front door shut before you tossed the stick in with the others in the trash, wrapped the bag up, and snuck it downstairs to the dumpster to hide the evidence.
You did actually shower and go to work despite the stress.
“(Y/N), you’re practically glowing,” your coworker said.
“Oh, thank you. It’s this new skin routine,” you lied, giving a small fake smile.
—
After work in the safety of your apartment, you called your best friend, ready to cry. The second she said hello you blurted out the news.
“(Y/F/N), I’m pregnant.”
“What?” She said, surprise in her voice. “Are you playing with me right now?”
“No,” you sniffled, “I missed my period and took four tests, all positive. What am I going to do?”
“Have you told Zabdiel yet?” She questioned.
“No, how can I tell him that? Our relationship has barely been made public, what if it ruins his career?” You started to choke on your words now, hot tears streaming down your red cheeks.
“(Y/N) it’ll be okay. Maybe schedule a doctors appointment and see what they say, and how far along you are. This will give you some time to think and weigh your options,” she sighed. “Do you want me to come over? I can bring ice cream.”
“I’ll see if I can make an appointment,” you mumbled. “I could always go for some ice cream,” You brought up your scratchy sleeves and wiped your eyes dry.
Not long after your phone call your best friend showed up at your door, a few different flavors of ice cream in hand. You two spent the night watching movies and eating junk food, something the two of you had always done together to unwind.
—
Your doctor predicted you to be about a month along. You still haven’t told Zabdiel, and you weren’t sure if you even could. You wanted him to be happy, and you wanted the best for his career. A baby would interfere with that. Hell, you even interfered with that. When the public found out he had a girlfriend, they nearly lost their minds. The backlash was insane. You couldn’t force him to go through that again with the baby. It would be even worse than just a dating scandal - he was having a child with a girl he hadn’t even been dating for a year.
A month passed by and you had seen the doctor again since then, only telling your boyfriend you were feeling sick to your stomach.
“What did the doctor say amor?” Zabdi asked with a little pout, his hand cupping the side of your face as he pecked your forehead.
“Oh, I just have a stomach virus, I’ll be okay,” you smiled, leaning up to peck his lips.
“Are you okay to go celebrate Joel’s birthday?” His hand found his way to yours, fingers intertwining.
“Sí, I’m perfectly okay, don’t worry.” You reassured him and gave his hand a squeeze. “I’ll go get ready.”
You threw on a pair of leggings and a hooded sweatshirt. Thankfully you weren’t going clubbing or partying, it was just a little get-together with a group of people at Richard’s house, so it was more laid back and casual. You slid into your sneakers and left for your friend’s party with your doting boyfriend by your side.
“¡Feliz cumpleaños mi Joelito!” You shouted when he opened the door, surprising him with a big hug.
“Gracias, (Y/N),” he chuckled. Zabdiel handed him his gift and gave him a hug with a similar greeting.
“Feliz cumpleaños, hermano.”
You left them to talk and greeted the other boys on your way to the kitchen. You nibbled on a slice of pizza and handed Zabdiel a slice when he found you.
“Want a glass of champagne, baby?” Your boyfriend asked, grabbing one for himself.
“Mm, no, thank you. I don’t really want to drink tonight.”
“What? (Y/N) doesn’t want a drink?” Richard teased, grabbing a beer from the fridge. “That’s weird.”
“You’re weird,” you joked, munching on some chips. You dipped a chip in some mustard and ketchup you had mixed on a plate.
“Says the girl eating chips with burger condiments.”
“It’s so good, though!” You exclaimed, taking another bite.
“Want some popcorn?” Zabdi asked, gesturing the bowl.
The greasy, buttery smell bothered you to the point you nearly threw up in your mouth.
“No, thank you,” you shook your head, not looking at the food.
“¿Qué? You normally love popcorn,” he said. Eventually, he shrugged and set the bowl to the side. “I’m going to go find Chris,” he said and quickly pecked your temple before leaving the kitchen.
“So what’s the deal, (Y/N)?” Richard asked in a hushed voice once the kitchen was clear, leaning against the counter near you.
You raised a brow. “What do you mean?”
“You’re dressed down for a party, you’re eating weird shit, you refuse to eat your favorites, you’re not drinking at a party…”
“We all have weird food combos we like, and I just.. don’t want popcorn right now.”
“The other day when we went out for fast food you dipped your fries in your milkshake. People do it, but you don’t. You usually dog on Chris for eating it that way. You just decided it was a great food combination all the sudden?” Richard interrogated. He pulled at the pocket of your sweatshirt.
“And what’s this? It’s not very cold out and you’re at a party. I’ve dealt with these signs firsthand, (Y/N). Trying to hide something?”
“Richard, I can’t tell him.” He broke you. He saw right through you.
“How far along are you?” He sighed.
“About… about two months… or more…” you averted your eyes to the floor.
“Two months?” Richard shouted without realizing it until after. “You have to tell Zabdiel, he deserves to know.” He was softer with his words this time.
“Richard, I can’t tell him!”
“Tell me what?” Zabdiel interrupted, standing near the kitchen door.
You rapidly shifted your gaze to your confused boyfriend.
“I,” you nearly whispered, “I…”
Tears began to flow like waterfalls down your cheeks, sending Zabdi into a panic.
“Amor, why are you crying? What’s wrong?” The giant hurried to your side and wrapped one lanky arm around your frame, his thumb on the opposite hand wiping away every tear he could.
“I’m pregnant,” you finally blurted out.
“P-please don’t hate me.” You mumbled after a moment of deafening silence.
“Amor, mírame mi vida, how could I hate you?” He tilted your chin up.
“I don’t want th-this to wreck everything you’ve w-worked so h-hard for,” you were sobbing at this point, choking on the words you’ve been thinking over and over since you found out.
“It won’t, I promise, it won’t,” he hushed you, holding you close to him as if his life depended on it. “We’ll figure it out. Baby, it will be okay.”
“But your fans don’t like me already,” you sniffled, using the cuff of your sweatshirt’s sleeve to dab at the tears your boyfriend missed.
“Well, Richard has Aaliyah, doesn’t he? Y él todavía está aquí.” His manly arms trapped you against his abdomen.
Your dainty hands reached up and held onto his biceps while your head rested on his chest. “I guess so…”
“You know what?” He dropped an arm and rummaged through his pocket to grab his phone. Zabdiel, still holding you close with his other arm, extended his phone into the air. Hidden in his embrace, the only thing the camera could see was your puffy, wet eye and Zabdiel’s happy, goofy smile. He added another photo of the two of you that you had taken on your third date.
“What are you doing?” You whined.
Instagram was pulled up on his phone. His thumb moved at a rapid pace as he typed the caption: “Today is the best day of my life. I found out my beautiful novia is pregnant with my beautiful baby. Estoy tan feliz. I hope you’re all happy for us, too. Te amo mucho, mi vida @(your insta handle) ❤️”
His phone blew up the second after he hit ‘Post.’ The majority of the comments were nice and congratulating.
“Way to steal the limelight, guys!” Joel shouted from the other room.
Zabdiel gave you a squeeze as you both chuckled.
“I told you it would be okay. Us and our future baby will be okay.”
#cnco#cnco imagines#cnco fanfic#mine#zabdiel de jesus fanfic#zabdiel de jesus imagine#cnco zabdiel imagine#cnco zabdiel fanfic#cncowners#cnco zabdiel#cnco christopher#cnco joel#cnco richard#cnco erick#cnco chris#zabdiel de jesus#richard camacho#erick brian colon#christopher velez#joel pimentel
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Senior Szn No. 2: Thoughts on Moving
~~ Full Disclosure: This post is quickly becoming an excuse to post all the beautiful parts of this state, so get ready for more pictures than actual words. But hey, a picture is worth a thousand words ;) ~~
I am 100% sure that when it comes down to pulling out of my driveway for the last time, I will bawl my freaking eyes out. That’s because despite being an Aquarius, I have emotions.
Let’s make this perfectly clear: these are my current thoughts on leaving New Mexico (AKA the land of enchantment). I am not saying that I currently hate my state or that I never had fun; on the contrary, I’ve enjoyed all eighteen years here. But it’s time to talk a bit about the current state of Albuquerque, NM.
Yes, the same Albuquerque that brought the nation Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul. The same Albuquerque that has (don’t fight me on this) the best green chile around.
Because I don’t want to make this a post that seems to be hating on my hometown, I will begin with all the positives.
Pros
1. diversity and mexican/latin@ empowerment
The OG homies and I at the local paleteria. Let me tell you, this is the place where I come to break my healthy eating. Also, that happens often.
In 2016, New Mexico was announced as having the largest Hispanic population at 47%, with California coming in second at 36%. So I guess you could say that we slay.
From what I’ve mostly encountered in ABQ, being cultured is something to be extremely proud of. Albuquerque is filled with multiple perspectives, and we function. Now, I did say mostly, because I have encountered some dumbasses that thought calling me “lamb chops” and telling me my Greek father had to lower his standards to marry my Mexican mom was actually funny. But that kind of ideology is quickly shut down.
I thought this kind of inclusion was extremely common. In that sense, I guess I was in this naive bubble. When I spent the summer in California with my dad in 2016, I was a bit shocked by the state with the second highest population of Hispanics.
BTW, we were staying in Palo Alto, which is definitely important to mention. We had to drive to a separate city limit to eat flautas and Caldo de Rez, which we found weird. And then, as we drove down El Camino Real and took a random turn, we found a run down street that was filled with Spanish signs advertising hair salons, supermarkets, etc. The blatant street segregation was the biggest culture shock I’d ever received.
The only true purpose of that little rant was to emphasize how wonderful New Mexico is. Although there are definitely neighborhoods that are predominantly Hispanic, New Mexico’s roots proudly seep into culture and diversity. Good segway… :)
2. proud (albu)quirky culture
New Mexicans pride themselves when it comes to: breakfast burritos, green chile, luminarias, flamenco, and so on.
Now that I’ve stated the obvious, I’ll talk about my personal favorite part of Albu-quirky. Because of the diverse community that Albuquerque fosters, we have really cool and local spots to just chill and hangout. As I write this, I am thinking about the countless coffee shops and bookstores that display a bit it of our very common quirkiness.
Pretty rad mural outside of Zendo. I often come here when I am trying to wear my cool new glasses and baby blue turtleneck, if you know what I mean. This mural is one of countless examples of beautiful downtown art.
When it comes to coffee shops, I think Albuquerque has a very desired vibe. After taking a few classes, I usually end up at Winning Coffee. Located right across the street from campus, Winning is where hippies come with their wild dogs while they gain insightful stories from homeless people. I’m not lying. it’s also located next to a movie poster store that features classics (even from Audrey Hepburn!). When you walk inside, you’re greeted by refreshing and new art on the wall with every passing week, a calendar filled with poetry slams, and a makeshift bookstore by a retired man who sells amazing vintage cover books for cheap. I mean, c’mon, what is not to love?
You see, other than Starbucks, most coffee shops around here aren’t chains, so they each have their own unique style and vibe. Depending on the mood, I may end up at Winning, or I may go down one block and sit in the bucolic setting that is Limonata (yes, like the drink). Here, you can enjoy homemade crepes and empanadas. And I don’t usually drink caffeine, but their chai’s are to die for.
Limonata: “Good Food, Good Coffee, Good People”
Also, I can’t forget the fact that this obviously looks like a house, because it definitely was. The bathroom literally has a bath tub that they have expertly filled with plants to make you experience a jungle in a few minutes.
Heck, there’s a coffee shop in Taos called World Cup that has different currencies as its wallpaper. it’s literally a hole in the wall, and people simply pin new and refreshing culture on the wall for the heck of it.
That adobe architecture though, am I right?
4. cheap concerts
Although I have not been to a concert in a hot second, that does not correlate to a decline in awesome ass shows in this city. In fact, this past summer Khalid came on over, and most of my friends hopped into the venue with at most an $80 ticket. (Let me point out that I am upset that I didn’t go and had I not been in another state I would have quickly hopped in as well)
I will admit it’s not always fun when an artist you really enjoy didn’t include New Mexico in their tour because they don’t think we’re in the country. BUT, the ones that do include us experience a great crowd. And, not being New York does have its perks. Cheap tickets for an unforgettable night? Perfect bargain.
I was in seventh grade when I attended my first concert. The tickets were $35 to see Sara Bareilles and OneRepublic. I went with my little sister and my friend and her mom. The venue was in our local casino, which includes an open view of the beautiful sky and a scenic landscape as the background. Right after the opening band, Harper Blynn (check out their collab with Sara Bareilles too), my sister and I went to their bus in an attempt to meet them, and meet them we did.
When they found out it was our first concert ever, they gave us a free signed copy of their CD, took pictures with us, and signed their names all over my seven-year-old sister’s arm in Sharpie. It was AWESOME.
5. badass nationwide events
If there is one thing that New Mexico is known for, it is for our rad balloons. You know, as in hot air balloons?
Every year, Albuquerque is home to the International Balloon Fiesta, where hot balloon aficionados can come and either display their artwork of a balloon, or sip some Piñon coffee and eat a breakfast burrito while watching each beautiful hot air ballon go up into the most spectacular sunrise.
Seriously, to come to this thing requires a lot of might from Burqueños. I mean, I enjoy watching the balloons over the interstate on my way to school, but I am never in the mood to wake up at four in the a.m. only to wait in an hour of traffic to battle for a parking spot a mile away from the park grounds. On top of that, you’re pretending not to freeze your ass off as you slyly inch closer to the balloons with fire.
This is not the only time Albuquerque is seen internationally. We also have the Lantern Festival in October, where people can enjoy a mini version of a hot air balloon (basically). But hey, that’s not all.
I had to talk about Festival Flamenco Internacional. OMG. What a week. Every June, the National Institute of Flamenco brings incredible flamenco artists to teach classes and perform. For a week in the year, people between New York and Japan fly to Albu-quirky to learn from the hottest (artistically and literally) artists.
This picture has an incredible story, so hear me out. So all summer, my friends and I fundraised to see these amazing people and their art. Well, the opening night of the week, our director managed to sneak us into the very prestigious gala as waitresses and servers. After the amazing show where I spent the entire time internally crying, we returned to the party only to find our dance idols on the dance floor. They were regular people jamming to salsa music. It was so surreal! And then, our amazing director asked them for a picture with all of us. I am hugging Claudia Cruz to my left, who was one of my teachers for the week. Throughout the week, we had genuine conversations, and she even told me I was a good dancer with a followed wink. She messages me on facebook to remind me that I’m awesome and she can’t wait for the day to come when I visit her in Spain. Like, are you kidding me?!
(Also picture from left to right: Claudia Cruz, me, Sage, Marco Flores, Agueda Saavedra, Madison, and Jose Manuel Alvarez)
6. nature
This is another given that comes hand in hand with living in New Mexico. Although I will admit sometimes I may not be a complete outdoorsy person, I do genuinely enjoy the beauty of NM. I mean, the mountains that surround Albuquerque prevent pollution from reaching the sky that blesses the citizens with orange and red hues with every sunrise and sunset. Also, there are countless hikes to go on, and the view is spectacular. It’s a tradition with family and friends of ours to go on a weekly hike during the summer. Then, we go to Marble Brewery and enjoy tacos and beer (I don’t get any beer; oh well).
This was the view after a hike on the mountains during Thanksgiving Break.
Just a casual picture taken by my friend while hiking around Tent Rocks. Nothing too unusual, right?
Current Cons
Now that I’ve extensively covered all the amazing things that NM has to offer and have probably already lost several readers, I will go into the initial motivation behind this post. Although I admit now that after writing all the things from above, it seems like the list below doesn’t deserve to be mentioned. But trust me, it needs to be.
1. violence
Albuquerque got recognition from the NYTimes, and not the good kind. BTW, this was published in 2014, and it claims that the “rate of violent crime in Albuquerque is nearly double the national average.”
Don’t get me wrong - violence in ABQ has always been present. Before, however, it was usually localized violence. By this, I guess I mean that if you knew the places to avoid, you didn’t ever have to actually witness the gang violence or the constant murders. In other words, you could live in Albuquerque reading of the violence but never having to ever witness it.
Well, that has definitely changed.
During this past week, a homeless man has exposed himself to my dance class, my mom witnessed a man piss on the side of my neighbor’s house while walking our dog, and a lot more serious stuff (trigger warning ahead).
Specifically, a man was hanging onto the side of the bridge overlooking the major freeway for 13 hours. This happened literally right outside of my house. As we drove back form church, we saw a herd of policemen trying to calm this poor man down. He did not yield until 1 a.m., and he was transported to the hospital safely. It was absolutely horrible. Even worse?
Two days later, my friend told our group chat that her stepfather (who is a cop) had to respond to a call that a sixteen-year-old boy was on the side of a different bridge. As the cops approached the bridge, he jumped. He didn’t die; instead, he is faced with irrecoverable brain injury.
Like you’ve got to be fucking kidding me right now. How the hell did Albuquerque become so violent? From the influx of desperate homeless people walking down Central, to the shooting that happened right outside of my dance institute, Albuquerque has definitely become a place where violence is beginning to occur on a regular basis. And the worst part? I think I am starting to become numb to it. It’s not normal to think these things are normal.
2. 49th in education
So, this report is from 2017. Believe it or not, this is actually a step up from 2016. We were a solid last in the country for education. And I genuinely didn’t think that education in my state was that bad. That’s because, despite me absolutely despising my school, we are number one in the state for education. That means that while I was receiving a buttload of homework and a ridiculously difficult education, other public high schools would rank as an F on academic abilities. But do you know what I think of all of this? It’s fucked.
I don’t know if this is nationwide, but I didn’t know it was not normal to spend most of the day studying for statewide tests. In other words, New Mexico had the SBA (Standardized Based Assessment). Most of my school day involved multiple choice questions and answering reading comprehension questions that would be featured on the annual standardized test. And trust me, it’s not the teacher’s faults. Most teachers were forced to stick to this because if students did not receive good scores, teachers and schools would be in major jeopardy.
This kind of thinking didn’t end in elementary school. While I was supposed to be reading a new chapter for a striking English book in sixth grade, we’d instead sit in front of our computers, reading pointless passages about horses and spaceships that we gave no fucks over and were expected to write an analytical essay comparing the breed of horses with the flight of spaceships. You’re thinking, wtf? Exactly. It’s pointless.
**I am now begging you to actually click the link I am posting here, because it’s definitely the most important one here. Enjoy this slam poem, “Love Letter to Albuquerque Public Schools.” In it is Olivia Gatwood, a personal inspiration of mine that I got to meet and speak with in September and will see again in April.**
3. “land of entrapment” / “university near mom”
This one is really silly and I guess I put this as a comedic conclusion. I guess in a gruesome way, because of the education many teenagers receive, we seem trapped (bringing the infamous nickname above). I know that personally, before I actually took college courses outside of the state, I did not picture myself at any top-ranked college. In fact, some people around me don’t even consider a college. Not because they’re too lazy or not into higher education, but because it is not practical. It is not practical to attend college courses if you have family members that need an income from you now, not in four years.
I hate when people judge other’s circumstances. Genuinely, Albuquerque students will often end up at the University of New Mexico, which is not a bad university at all. And yet, in this land of entrapment, it is also humorously deemed the “university near mom.”
I guess what I mean is that after all this effort and living in this weird ass situation of shootings and standardized testing, my generation still feels trapped, constantly looking to move. And that’s what happened to me. I was given a glimpse of what independence looked like, and I immediately jumped at the opportunity to leave New Mexico.
I’m glad I wrote this post. At the end of this, I wonder if anyone is actually left after this long rant that was both good and evil. And yet, I already see the day I miss this place coming sooner rather than later.
Thanks for sticking around. :)
#senior#college#moving#new mexico#albuquerque#breaking bad#green chile#flamenco#festival flamenco#hispanic#mexican#culture#diversity#california#coffee shops#zendo#limonata#winning coffee#coffee#crepes#taos#onerepublic#sara bareilles#harperblynn#khalid#balloon fiesta#lantern festival#nature#hiking#tent rocks
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The Most Horrifying Night of my Childhood
Owen Mitchell
This is the story of the most traumatizing, horrific experience of my childhood. Now, a bit of background: I was a very sensitive child. So sensitive, that the first time my parents took me to a movie theater, I got so freaked out by the movie that we had to leave- which would be normal if we were seeing a horror movie/ a particularly scaring scene... but we were seeing Curious George. So, let's set the scene: Two families, ours, consisting of me (Age 7), my younger brother (age 4), and our parents, and our family friends: a mom with her three kids, ranging from ages 6-8. These 2 families have decided to meet up on a Friday night near the end of October and go to Six Flags together to purchase season passes for the following year. Now why this had to happen right before dark on a Friday night near the end of October, I don’t know. But what I do know is how excited all of us kids were- we thought we might get to ride a few roller coasters after we got our passes. But that’s not what happened. We wove our way deep into the center of the park and into the building to get our passes. This was a long process to begin with, so with seven people trying to get them at the same time, it took even longer than expected- so when we left the building it was dark. And darkness at six flags in October means Fright Fest. And Fright Fest means pimple-faced teenagers dressed up in gory masks holding chainsaws and jumping out and scaring anyone walking in the park. And the second we stepped out of the building into the dark, chilly October night was when all hell broke loose.
This story has been told many different times and in many different ways, but in all of them, I was the first to cry. A teenage girl dressed as a demented clown doll came up to me. The next words I remember very clearly: the creepiest voice she could muster the girl squeaked “Do you want some cockroaches?” Even though cockroaches aren’t particularly freaky to me- and to this day I still don’t know if the ones she held out in her glass cage were real or fake- but that girl, still known to me as the “creepy cockroach lady” haunted my dreams for the following years. The creepy cockroach lady set off the chain reaction that made that night so chaotic. She set me off into a flurry of screaming and crying, which triggered the rest of the kids, who all began bawling their eyes out. Except for my four-year-old brother. He seemed to enjoy the whole ordeal. The three parents tried in vain to keep the costumed teenagers away from us. By this point, the other kids were crying and screaming because of various monsters they saw that may or may not have existed. One says a giant pumpkin man on stilts leaned down to her. Another says he saw a creepy man cartwheeling through the bushes and jumping out at people. Another was just crying simply because everyone else was. The parents now had the very hard task of warding off whatever clown, skeleton, or chainsaw wielding murderer came toward us while trying to get us out of the park. My dad ran ahead to peer around corners, making sure the coast was clear before signaling to the two moms, who had formed a protective circle around us to come ahead, until finally making it back to the entrance. Suddenly, just when we thought the distressing night was coming to an end, a non-threatening, not scary zombie, most likely walking to his post or to take a break walked past. He made no attempt to scare us, but that didn’t stop me from yelling “NO! PLEASE DON’T! PLEASE DON’T!” through my resurfacing tears. He stopped and stared at me- you could clearly see his t-shirt through his half-on costume. “Don’t do what?” he asked, clearly confused on why four little kids were bawling at the sight of him. I don’t know why I thought screaming “Please don’t” to a non-threatening zombie walking past would be helpful, but it sure was a memorable way to end the night. The parents brought us home and attempted to calm us down with pizza, and the creepy cockroach lady did not leave my mind for a long time. It turned very quickly from the most horrifying night of our childhoods to a hilarious, yet embarrassing story of my one and only trip to Fright Fest.
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