Hhh... If only i were a writer.

Id drop a fic that would go so hard.

I don't believe institutional misandry is real but I do believe there is an aspect of white, cis-hetero-amato-normative patriarchy that requires male suffering.

At the core of misogyny and queerphobia is the revelation these are tools to police masculinity. This entire system is contingent on that men are afraid they are doing it wrong. The Other is used to threaten, this could be you if you step out of line. And the tightrope that it herds its hypothetical perfectly normal men onto burns the feet.

A Real Man should want a wife and want to have sex with that wife to produce biological offspring. But he oughtn't be a father. Change a diaper? Good heavens, you're emasculated. The most acceptable parental emotion a man is allowed to have, encouraged to look up to, is a kind of territorial rage, the superhero avenging his dead tragic girlfriend, the gun-toting furious dad clutching his little helpless baby girl who's all he has left.

A Real Man should be young-looking, sexually potent, and studly, but he mayn't under any circumstances be caught committing artifice or seduction. Cleanliness or fastidiousness becomes suspect. But of course every fictional male model we're given to look up to, most of them are played by men dieted and styled and carefully dressed and painted and polished with extravagant artifice. But we are led to believe, this is just a Real Man. He's So Manly he is cashing an exception with his bank account of testosterone.

A Real Man is a starving, isolated animal. A Real Man becomes desperate on the woman he is told is his only possible outlet for softness, vulnerability, compassion and understanding, which no human being can live without and which women are not inherently more blessed with any of those traits besides men.

Meanwhile, the two-year-old boys that I watch scamper and play at my workplace seem a fascinating form of animal. If they comprehend themselves as boys at all, it is without this anxiety of competition. They do not see themselves as defined by absence to flinch from anything that's too feminine. They seize princess dresses from the dress-up station, excited by bright fabrics and plastic jewels. They quarrel for teacher attention when they see their long-haired classmates being given braids or ponytails, me too me too me too!

At this point, they are motivated not by a fear of being an inadequate man but by a love for being exactly what they are right now. Whatever experience appeals to them, they want it. As I watch these boys age, I watch many of them- as early as age three- begin to squirm with anxiety. They have spoken to girls too much. Only boys are ordinary, uncomplicated friends. In a few years, will they dread the time they now spend playing house?

Misogyny and queerphobia make a wasteland of masculinity for everyone, in the process of recruiting soldiers for the crusades against the "unmanly". Those campaigns would dry up in the face of meaningful, healthy masculinity that isn't built on a terror of inadequacy and a territorial selfishness not reflected by the world we live in. None of these traits are inherent to men. We can do better. We can escape this. We will live fuller, happier lives without it.

ACOSF Bonus Chapter Breakdown Part V - Azriel and Gwyn

Part I - Azriel and Elain

Part II - Azriel and Elain

Part III - Azriel and Rhys

Part IV - Azriel and Rhys

**This is just me, analyzing the life out of the bonus chapter and all the possibilities. My thoughts and no one else's. If you agree, great. If you disagree, love it. If you want to share why you disagree, love it even more. If you are disrespectful while disagreeing, I kindly request that you move along and if you insist you will be left to argue with yourself**

Back to control

"If you don't feel you don't hurt."

"If you don't feel you don't suffer."

"If you don't feel they can't break you."

Or know how close to breaking you got.

Azriel seems to be someone who feels too much and too deeply without a healthy outlet.

"tonight had proved he'd been right to do so."

This glimpse into his mind suggests that Az knew, consciously and subconsciously, his feelings were misplaced. He had known all along he ought to heed reason and not entertain or act upon those desires. If it were right, there'd be no regret.

Azriel arrived at the training pit with intense emotions that were overwhelming him and threatening to override reason.

The shadows also had not warned Azriel of Elain's presence earlier in the chapter, yet the author chose to only note it here.

Possibilties for the lack of warning:

The shadows didn't sense the person that was at the training pit

The shadows wanted Azriel to run into whoever was at the training pit and did not want to give him the chance to change course

The shadows were curious about the person who was at the training pit and they wanted to engage with the person.

Azriel wanted to be alone in this moment but didn't want to give the wrong impression that he is avoiding whoever was there. Azriel is a considerate character.

Chill, ice: ice and the cold are words often used to describe Azriel's moods, attitude or reactions.

It's late into the night of Winter Solstice and Gwyn is training alone.

Something is making her restless and in need of working it off

She has found something to give her focus and an outlet for her competitive streak

Gwyn wants to make sure she'll never again be vulnerable

The mask is back on and whole, containing everything he feels deeply within.

The shadows peered over his wing at her.:

The shadows are being highlighted in this section of the bonus chapter, as though their behavior is important to note.

They are curious about Gwyn, something rarely seen throughout the series.

Azriel's shadows are often met with fear, awe and outrigh disgust, so it is refreshing to see someone react to them in a positive manner, considering Azriel has noted his shadows are his companions, who would always be with him, making them essentially a part of his very existence. And not only react positively but treat them as their own entity, sentient beings worthy of recognition and attention.

Azriel again noticed his shadows are curious about Gwyn, something not seen before in the books.

"hooked her coppery-brown hair behind an arched ear":

Here are a few potential meanings behind this simple movement

Sign of attraction - a non-verbal way of exposing a persona's facial features, making them seem more open to the other person

A comforting or self-soothing gesture - a way to manage one's emotions in an uncormfortable situation or intense conversation. It serves as a small distraction, allowing the person a moment to collect themselves

A display of confidence - exposing one's face can signal they're not afraid to assert their presence and take up space

A flirting signal - hair tucking is a "preening" behavior in the animal kingdom, actions designed to improve one's appearance or attract a mate. It can signal their interest to the other person

Expression of nervousness - self touch providing a calming effect on the nervous system

Simply a habit developed over the years for any or no reason

Possibilities

Azriel being considerate of Gwyn's comfort level being in the cold

2. He is trying to subtly coax her to go inside so he can be alone in the training pit

3. This is an attempt at making polite conversation before excusing himself

4. Az is as curious about Gwyn as his shadows

Gwyn answers in stride.

After Azriel saved Gwyn in Sangravah, Mor brought Gwyn to the library where she's lived since then. Azriel remembers her, though he had not seen her since, until he began to help Cassian train the priestesses.

There is a hint of awkwardness in this moment.

It is great to note the difference in Gwyn through Azriel's perspective, since he is the one who found her at her worst moment. He's able to witness her growth and healing.

Based on ACOSF's depiction of her, the Gwyn standing before Az is determined, caring, stubborn, competitive and rises to the challenge. She is strong mentally and physically, which she already was before, but Azriel had not yet seen it.

SJM retconned the attack on Sangravah so Azriel would not only be present but would be the first to get there (emphasis mine):

From ACOMAF:

But Azriel confirmed that they’d raided the memorial in Sangravah three days ago. They’re looking for something—or found it.” Azriel nodded in confirmation, even as Mor cast a surprised look in his direction. Azriel gave her an apologetic shrug back.

From ACOSF:

“The first had just unbuckled his belt when Azriel arrived.” Silent, unending tears streamed down Gwyn’s face. “Azriel slaughtered all of them within moments. He didn’t hesitate. But I could barely move, and when I tried to get up … He gave me his cloak and wrapped me in it. Morrigan arrived a few minutes later, and then Rhysand appeared, and it became clear some of the soldiers had gotten away with the piece of the Cauldron, so Azriel headed after them.

Once the moment passes, Gwyn gives Azriel an opening to leave.

Az had originally gone to the training pit to be alone, and he could've taken this opportunity to leave and find solitude somewhere else. Instead he chooses to stay in Gwyn's company.

Their interaction is very direct in a comfortable way. There’s a sense of familiarity.

This shows Gwyn is perceptive and capable of reading others well. Azriel certainly wouldn't have volunteered this information.

"Her mouth quirked to the side":

She realized she has figured out why Azriel went to the training pit late at night on a holiday and is amused to know he's not as hard to read as he likes to think.

Azriel tries to slip back the mask on with a lie

Gwyn challenges the lie

This moment provides another example of how caring Az is.

Az decides to indulge Gwyn and accept the invitation to banter with her. In this moment he is lighter, compared to before arriving at the training pit.

To be continued...

not to expound on the tags in my last reblog re:buckley v diaz parents, but i am going to do just that lol

when i look at the buckley parents i see a pair of people who were traumatized by the death of their child and their reaction to that trauma was actively harmful. they were emotionally negligent of maddie and buck, they parentified maddie and left it to her to raise buck, and they tried to bury the existence of daniel because they were so unequipped to deal with their grief and a byproduct of that was further traumatizing maddie, who had no outlet for her grief and was taught to hide it instead, and harmed buck by creating this giant gulf in his own family narrative by which he fundamentally could not connect with his parents or understand their actions.

things i saw in the other tags and posts that i disagree with: i don't think they blamed buck for failing to save daniel—that is not something we see them doing nor is it something we hear maddie and/or buck accusing them of. buck certainly FEELS like he's at fault when he finds out the truth, but that's because of the fact that it was hidden from him for so long. if anything, you could argue that part of their faulty rationalization when hiding daniel's existence was to protect buck from that feeling. i am not arguing that that logic is sound or defensible, just merely stating a position that would imply they are not blaming buck.

i also, just, don't blame them for having buck to save daniel? there are certainly ethical quandaries to be had about parents having a savior baby and all that entails. but i also don't fault a set of parents for doing whatever was necessary and grabbing at every opportunity to try and save their son's life even if, yes, it meant having another child. now, CLEARLY they weren't mentally or emotionally equipped to raise that child after daniel died, and it's obvious that they did not consider this outcome when they decided to have buck because of the actions they eventually take, but i also don't fault them for the initial decision.

the other thing i would argue about is in regards to if the buckley parents love their children. i think we can answer that based on what we see of them in canon. we learn that the whole reason buck developed a reckless streak was because it was learned behavior as a child. he realized that when he put himself in danger, or injured himself, or was sick, he received the love and affection he craved from his parents. that is MONUMENTALLY fucked up. they SHOULD have been able to show him that love at all times. they caused him lifelong emotional damage that he needs to heal on his own because they could not access their own emotions except for in situations of extreme fear and concern. was it enough? no. does the fact that they showed him love and care in these moments make up for the times they withheld it from him? of course not. but i think it's evidence that the love was, fundamentally, still there. similarly, in regards to maddie, their concern about her relationship with doug was telling.

it's obvious to me, at least, that for the buckley's they’re so emotionally numbed that the only times their emotions are actually let out is when triggered by extreme fear for their children's safety. that is not healthy. that is not okay. but it is informed by their trauma surrounding daniel's death, and it is something i can understand even if i find it harmful.

basically, i really do think that canon got it right when maddie said they were good people but bad parents. i think it's generalizing it a bit, but fundamentally i think that's a pretty insightful read on them. they are people who underwent an extreme trauma and it changed them for the rest of their life to the point that they could not parent their children and that is not okay. but when i look at the two sets of parents discussed in the post, i can understand the reasons for one's actions, and i cannot understand the others.

caramel words and wishes

kaedehara kazuha x gn!reader

tw: pretty angsty, mentions of death

it’s hard to be good to yourself. even if you don’t take care of yourself, at least there is someone who's got their hand held out for you.

╰────── ꔫ ──────♡

it's hard not being afraid. hard not being fearful of scaring kazuha away with any of your troubles, or being so burdensome to the point where he thinks its overwhelming. affection through physical gesture is your love language—but it's not the same when it comes simply just to holding hands and intertwining fingers. maybe if you weren't so afraid, you'd hug him more. give him more kisses as you pass one another in the kitchen. in your mind, you can't help: will that be the last time you ever feel that touch?

why lose what you have? the two of you had gotten together after the entire situation quelled with the raiden shogun's strike on your lover. now, after all of that happened, that is the question. what are you afraid of?

first, death. you loved this boy, and it didn't matter whether he returned your same feelings, but if he could be happy. in one way, if he died, your heart would eat away at the rest of your body in the guilt knowing you could never get to tell him how much you loved him. yet, at the top of this subsection of worries, you wondered if anything would change in his life if you died. kazuha: the calm, collected, and wise—is not the type of person who would react in any sort of outlandish way in response to the typical ending to every mortal's life.

second, solitude. crying alone in bed is not ideal, let alone crying at all. crying is for the weak. it's for the stupid. it's for the pathetic who have no other outlets who have no ability to do anything else. nope, no motivation to stress-clean out the pain, there's no juice left to create some profound expression through art, and no drive to work out and constantly keep a healthy body (like the world recommends). your boyfriend is always out on business, if not on the ship. that aquatic vessel is your home, but will all the tears you cry fill the gap that is in between yours and kazuha's relationship? at least then, if it does, one of you has the option to sail out of this sinking love swiftly.

it's better to simply suffer in silence and wallow in pain than to suffer a lonely life, just as you anticipated.

love is a surprise to you. how could anyone love you? after all, when you had fallen in love after being friends for a couple of years on top of that, what will happen when you lose him? will there ever be another person to write exquisite reveries dedicated to you—ones where the words practically dance graciously in unison with the gentle zephyrs of the season. if he leaves... will there ever be another person who's willing to listen to you blab on and on and on about the things that trouble(d) you in this "fleeting existence" (as kazuha would refer to it)?

it doesn't take long to realize how warm and blurry your vision is. obscured by the tears and congestion that fills your nose, the customary wind-whistling halts to a stop.

"______, there is something that bothers you so," kazuha observes aloud, tossing the leaf in the wind as he scoots closer to you, where the both of you can savor the modest shade during a sunny day.

"you know..." he begins. "i have noticed how you are distant from me as of late."

his voice begins to drop in volume, not quite to a whisper or a mutter, but just gently lowered. he creases his eyebrows, turning his head toward you.

"i quite adore your company." kazuha looks to the sky, and then back to you—whose trying to hide the falling tears from your face. "often, i catch myself grazing my fingers over the grooves in my palm hoping to replicate the warmth of your hand."

but you thought he didn't like your company. why would anyone like you? too clingy for your own good, wanting to be around him to the point where you're stuck to his side.

"sorry," you start off. "it's better that i distance myself. in my last relationship, they broke off things with me because i was too affectionate."

you couldn't help but feel more tears fall as you speak about... whoever.

the poet nods, his arms crossed in a loose-like way as he scoots closer to you.

"there is a wise saying i heard from my travels long ago: 'the bigger the burden, the smaller the bottle.'" you think of the saying, unsure of what it actually means.

"the longer you choose to hold onto regrets and fears from the past, in comparison, the bottle in which you hold those sentiments becomes smaller—and thus, easier to break."

kazuha holds his arms open to you, encouraging you to take him into an embrace. and with a slight hesitation, you back away with widened eyes of anxiety. he smiles, nodding in reassured approval. and then, attempting to release all the rushing tides that swirl within the bottle.

a warm hug, and a smile followed by hitched and breathy sobs. you shake and tremble the tightest hug you've ever had. at least, the tightest one you ever had and liked.

"no matter how far we are separated, my heart shall always belong to you and only you. regardless of the distance that may stand between us, i will love you forever and always. the very thought of leaving you splits my soul in two. so, please..." he says, pulling you closer in your hug. "never think that i don't want you around. your touch is like that of the most perfect and tender kisses.”

╰────── ꔫ ──────♡

link to landing page here !

liyue characters masterlist here !

The Owl House x Wolf Children crossover aka “the AU I took too far.”

A picture of @stardustcandies Hunter werewolf au popped up on my fyp, I had a disconnected thought about Wolf Children a few hours later and then this happened.

To get some of the scenes to line up with either Hunter or Luz, I had to break some canonical eggs between Ame and Yuki’s scenes. But also, sound off if you recognize some of the scenes I tried to replicate.

Also also just Lineart and some flat colors for now. M ight come back and clean it all up later.

My disjointed thoughts on this au are essentially “it’s Wolf Children, but swap shapeshifting for wild magic, except shapeshifting is also a huge association. Case and point, Edna’s owl beast transformation.” And Luz and Hunter are Eda’s kids, adopted separately. While she’s early into raising them, Eda is found/starts reconnecting with an old lover, Raine. Raine’s always known Eda was a wild witch with the enhanced ability to transform into the Owl Beast, something that’d frightened them away previously, along with a healthy dose of communication and trust issues between both parties. Upon reconnecting, they take things slower than in their youth, however, just as they’re truly starting to see eye-to-eye, Eda dies, leaving a heartbroken Raine and two already-orphaned and traumatized young kids who both have heavy traces of wild magic.

In keeping with the movie plot line, Raine eventually gives up his future and career with the Bard coven and goes into hiding/moves to the Knee or something, to raise Hunter and Luz. Wild magic is heavily persecuted in this au, and displays of shape shifting, even in young witches without any proper training, is regarded with great suspicion. And considering they’re already out of their depth with parenting, Raine doesn’t want to take any chances. Queue Raine growing into a supportive and loving parents for Eda's two adopted strays and eventually weaving back in his Bard talents and continuing to learn more about wild magic and Eda along the way.

Prior to being adopted by Eda, Hunter was fed the story that wild magic wipes out his biological family and his shape shifting abilities were a residual curse. As far as he’s been told/remembers, he got that first scar on his face from that incident. Trauma aside, Hunter is also very self conscious about it, up to the point of really disliking his reflection in mirrors, crystals, and windows as a kid, so he wore a golden wolf-themed mask for a while to help him cope. As he’s gotten older, he’s grown out of needing it. While Luz leaned heavily into their shape-shifting abilities and is enthralled by wild magic, Hunter tried to suppress it. He would indulge Luz and her curiosity while they were both young, but, upon starting school and being exposed to more "acceptable" outlets of magic, he starts trying to keep a tighter control on his phasing abilities, only spontaneously changing when overwhelmed by emotions or stressed. Jump forward to his class getting a new student, Gus, who'd jumped up a couple grades and, being an illusionist, immediately hones in on Hunter, asking him questions and just being generally nosy. Hunter eventually gets overwhelmed and, feeling cornered, partially phases and scratches Gus's face, very close to his eye and potentially a huge detriment for a budding illusionist. Years later, we get the same iconic classroom scene with Hunter, having run away due to some fear of being outed as a wild witch/Luz has just announced her intention of leaving to be fully wild and Hunter fears persecution due to familial association, and is found by Gus, partially transformed, who reveals he'd known the whole time but held no ill-will.

Luz, on the other hand, although interested in magic, was always most interested in the type of magic Eda practiced. Luz being the youngest, she wasn't old enough to remember much about Eda's magic and instead has to rely on Raine, who doesn't much to satisfy her curiosity. When she was early school-age, while playing in the grass, Luz found a wild Snake Shifter, Stringbean, who eventually guides her to the Titan (or the corporeal Titan spirit) who helped to teach her about wild magic and glyphs. Enraptured by these lessons, Luz began to prioritize this sort of magic study over the "certified magic study" through school. The Titan's magic has been weakening for years, and thus their corporeal form fading, which will leave Luz without a teacher and the Titan's infant son, King, without a parent. Eventually Luz decided to make the leap of leaving Raine and Hunter to go into the wilds to continue study and maintenance of the wild glyphs that help hold the world together and be a placeholder until King is old enough to succeed his father. I've also had the thought that, through the study and use of structural glyph magic, Luz's wolf form continues to shift into a titan form. She herself is still a witch, but the close proximity and use of the Titan's magic causes her to become more and more Titan-like/it's the lingering effect of the Titan before their corporeal spirit fades so Luz can be there and teach King.

What would Avatars of the Extinction be like?: A TMA Speculation

Intro

Extreme spoilers for the Magnus Archives. If you haven’t heard it and want to hear it, it’s a horror podcast that can be listened to on Youtube(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AdiUHYacaRI&list=PLSbuB1AyaJk-GJV4d3AdvBMJHYiXUEDfI&ab_channel=RustyQuillPodcasts). If you want to read this article in the form of a google docs you can do so here(​What would Avatars of the Extinction be like?: A TMA Speculation).

I’m going to be honest. I’m a little late to the Magnus Archives party, and I’m about to be even later because of how long it usually takes for me to write these articles. However, I desperately need more people to talk with in regards to my thoughts and speculations about TMA and none of my friends listen to the podcast, so this is the closest thing to a healthy outlet I’m going to get for that. It also just so happens that the Magnus Protocol was announced for next year during the writing of this article. 

Anyways, One topic that has basically every TMA fan’s brain gears turning is the titular “entities” or the “dread powers.” Especially, when it comes to the emerging of a new entity known as the Extinction, or Great Change. Part of the reason it sticks so deep into every TMA fan’s subconscious is because the audience sees so little of it due to the fact that it never fully emerged by the time the podcast ended, and even then it’s still questionable how much of it we actually saw. We know very little about it and it’s possible that it didn’t yet have enough power to create any avatars or monsters that could hint at, or potentially explain(well explain as much as you can with entities beyond human comprehension born from our collective conscious and unconscious fears) any aspects of its nature. However, we do see a domain aligned with the Extinction in the post-apocalyptic fear hellscape that was created after the Great Change. Which confirms that it at the very least existed in some capacity. But we still don’t know for sure if it was on the same level as the other fears or would even have gotten there if given enough time. As we all know, these domains are meant to feed their respective fears, so this domain does give us some insight into the Extinction(even if it’s not very much). This leaves a lot of how the Extinction could manifest up to the imagination of the viewers, something that has inspired me to make this article. So in this article, I will theorize about what the Extinction’s avatars and monsters might look and act like if it ever fully emerged and talk about some of the symbology and traits I think might be associated with it. But first, we need to get a couple of things out of the way.

Defining the Extinction

Like with all the dread powers, there’s not really a way for me to create a definition that cleanly defines everything said entity embodies. All the fears have so much overlap and endless amounts of nuances and tangents regarding the fear they embody. However, there is still a rough idea for each fear, what they relate to, and some commonly recurring themes in what they embody. Plus, I kind of NEED to define the Extinction or else everyone is going to be asking stuff like “Um, this sounds like it would just be under the domain of the End” or something. Which, don’t get me wrong, it’s a good question. I just need to make sure I address it, or else this article isn’t going to go anywhere. 

So what does the Extinction probably feed on and embody? Well, it's kind of on the tin for the most part. The fear of going extinct. Google defines an extinction as ”(of a species, family, or other group of animals or plants) having no living members; no longer in existence, and the process of a particular thing ceasing to exist.” I’ve seen some people argue that this sounds like it would just be an aspect of the End, which is a reasonable point but I have several thoughts on that matter. First, as Gerard Keay pointed out in statement 111, the fears are like colors in the sense that sometimes they are divided somewhat arbitrarily due to the fact that the human mind and our respective fears and emotions can also be arbitrary. We treat light red as pink but if something is sky blue or baby blue we just refer to it as some form of blue instead. Even though we probably should refer to pink as “baby red” or “light red” or something more often. Still, this isn’t the most satisfactory answer for a lot of people, so here are some other perspectives. Sure dying is one thing but I would argue the fear of extinction is a distinct enough fear. It’s one thing if you die, or even 100 people die, but imagine all of humanity goes extinct. Imagine honey bees going extinct or apples being wiped off the face of the Earth. One could argue that since it still involves dying it should fall under the purview of the End. However, this applies to a lot of the fears and it is even stated that none of fears can be completely separated from each other because they are inextricably linked to each other, and also blend together a lot. Couldn’t the fear of what’s in the Dark often just be grouped in with the fear of the unknown with the Stranger? The Eye is stated to feed off the fear of being followed but doesn’t the very act of being hunted and chased typically involve the fear of being followed even if it’s supposed to feed the Hunt? Doesn’t the pain, destruction, and suffering caused by the Desolation almost completely overlap with the pain, violence, and suffering the Slaughter feeds on. Meanwhile, the Web and Buried both have themes of being trapped. Yes, the Buried tends to revolve around being trapped physically and the Web also revolves around manipulation but both entities also have themes of being metaphorically trapped. Not to mention so many of the powers threaten to kill you as a form of creating fear anyway. For example, being bloodily murdered could easily embody the Slaughter, Desolation, Hunt, Flesh, and End all at the same time while the fear of being crushed to death could sustain the Buried and the End, the fear of catching a fatal disease could feed both the Corruption and End, the fear of falling to your death could be attributed to both the Vast and the End, the fear of war could feed the Slaughter, Desolation and End, and so on and so forth. I mean the Flesh is literally feeding off the fear of being slaughtered and consumed, and not just body horror and dysphoria, but I haven’t seen anyone argue that because it involves killing it shouldn’t be its own entity. It is even pointed out by Jurgen Leitner in MAG 80 that it's not usually about what imagery, action, or object specifically is being used by an entity to gather fear but rather how it’s being used. Don’t get caught up in the what but the why. If supernatural bones are being used it could be to remind you of your death and mortality and/OR your flesh being harvested and devoured. Sure, maybe the entities use death a lot as a way to create fear but it's important to look out at how they use it. A bloody violent death is probably attempting to feed the Slaughter, while someone threatening to maim and devour you is probably trying to feed the Flesh. In this regard, I would argue that the Extinction is potentially distinct enough, while also having enough of a widespread fear in its own right to have an argument made for standing on its own. And simply overlapping with other existing fears doesn’t discount its credibility or concept immediately. Trying to think of the fears as completely and utterly distinct and separate beings that have little to no overlap is a losing battle and will only warp what little understanding we as the audience may have of them. It is also possible for certain kinds of human fears to feed both the End and the Extinction. The idea that every human on Earth might be wiped out in a devastating nuclear catastrophe could easily be right up the alley of the End, Extinction, and Slaughter.

But before we go on, what are some of the other fears the Extinction may embody? I mean yeah the Flesh feeds off the fear of being killed for meat but also body dysphoria and body horror. The Eye is the fear of being watched but also being followed, etc. We already defined one fear as “(of a species, family, or other group of animals or plants) having no living members” but I think there are a couple of other kinds of fears that could contribute to the Extinction. One is the fear of just things in general no longer existing. Maybe that old technology you were so attached to is all destroyed or thrown out, maybe a technique your family spent years perfecting is forgotten, or maybe that language with deep roots to your history and land is in danger of being forgotten forever or wiped out. Here we can see potential fears relating to the Extinction that don’t just involve the death of an entire species or the fear of global warming killing all of humanity. These kinds of fears also more clearly set it apart from the other entities, such as the End. Another potential fear that could theoretically feed the Extinction can be interpreted from one of its other names, “The Terrible Change.” This could just refer to extinctions themselves being massive changes but also points to a potential connection to a fear of(an often catastrophic) change. Something that actually goes pretty well with some of my previous examples of things falling out of fashion, becoming obsolete, replaced, or going extinct. This theme of change is actually pretty explicit in TMA itself. First, the Extinction has a couple other names, those being “The Future Without Us,” and “The World Is Always Ending” which further reinforce its themes of negative change. Where the End tends to focus on just dying or y’know the end of a life, the Extinction has more of a focus on what comes after something has been removed or added to the picture and what the future may look like because of that. The world will still be around but will be fucked up or be worse off, maybe even irreparably so. In MAG 134, “Time of Revelation,” Adelard Dekker says this in regards to his theory about the power “But now the fear is not of a rapture or a revelation. It is of catastrophic change. Mankind will warp the world so much it kills us all, and leaves only a thousand years of plastic behind. Technology will strip us of what it means to be human, and leave us something alien and cold. We will press a button that in a moment will destroy everything we have ever been. Animals are witnessing the end of their entire species within a single generation.” This makes it pretty clear to me that similar to say the Flesh, Slaughter, and Desolation, the Extinction has more aspects to it than just death or dying. Another of the more obvious Extinction themes is the end of the world or an apocalypse of some sort. This can be seen in MAG 144 where the strange numbers Gary Boylan receives on his phone can apparently be deciphered using a Polybius square to mean “THE WORLD IS ALWAYS ENDING.”

Thinking about Some of the Similarities and Differences Between the Other Entities

As mentioned earlier, I’ve seen a lot of people just assume the Extinction has to fall under one of the other dread powers. It is also important that I draw attention to some of the noticeable similarities and differences from the types of fear and symbolism the Extinction might feed on and use in order to better understand how a theoretical Extinction avatar, artifact, or creature might work.

The Buried, The Dark, The Eye, The Hunt, The Flesh, The Spiral, and The Web-  These are all in the same category because, honestly, I can’t think of that many massive similarities they did or could have outside of very specific types of world-ending or extinction event apocalypse imagery. I guess in fairness to the Hunt there have been plenty of creatures that have been hunted to extinction and since the Flesh is the fear of being butchered and/or consumed it could also overlap with a similar theme of being eaten or hunted to extinction, and maybe there’s an argument for overlap in being trapped or destined for a seemingly unavoidable and terrible future/fate that cannot be avoided with the Buried or even the Web. If you want to lean into the Extinction’s theme of change you could also focus on many different dystopias. For example, the Extinction and the Eye may overlap in imagery regarding a dystopian future society/world where people are under constant surveillance or uncover some sort of cursed/forbidden knowledge.

The Corruption-  This is one of the entities that had its influence directly compared to that of the Extinction and was held up as an explanation for possible Extinction related events that may have actually just been the Corruption. I think things like plagues, rotting corpses, and zombies are all well-known apocalyptic scenarios that could probably fall pretty evenly in the imagery of both entities given the Corruption’s connection to rot and disease. As for differences, the Corruption is basically the fear of things we find disgusting and would probably lean more into that aspect(i.e. rot, decay, pandemics, diseases, parasites, etc.) while the Extinction could lean more into the raw destructive aspects of the things that harm or destroy various species or the entire world. Such as how pollution and disease can destroy or permanently alter the environment. how they can change people and things into something else(like zombies or mutants) or focus more on killing people on a mass scale. In essence, it could focus more on the raw destruction or paradigm shift brought about by those things. It would also probably usually lack the whole “toxic love” and unhealthy relationships the Corruption often has, and have less focus on just being disgusting. On top of that, disease and rot are not the only things that can cause extinctions or massive change and thus the Extinction could probably also manifest as other less traditionally disgusting things, and would honestly probably do so more often. I would argue that the Corruption’s overlap simply comes down to specific forms of extinctions or apocalyptic events overall. The Extinction also tends to have more technology-based imagery than the more organic(such as disease and worms) imagery the Corruption is more prone to use. This makes sense when you consider the fact that things like diseases, bacteria, and parasites are all alive as well as the fact that if something is rotting things like bacteria and mold(which are living things) often accompany it.

The Desolation-  I feel like the Extinction and Desolation would have a lot of overlapping imagery because things like being driven to extinction or the world ending often go hand and hand with destruction, loss, and pain. Think of things like nuclear wars, super volcano eruptions, or maybe even meteorites destroying the lives and well-being of everyone on the planet. The Desolation seems to often influence things in the form of heat and sometimes fire, as it is even described as being like "blackened earth, the destructive agonizing heat of burning flesh and land scoured of life, the light with the comfort of fire stripped from it, leaving nothing but the terror of its approach." by Jude Perry in MAG 89. I think the main difference would be that the Extinction is going to more often be focused on the idea of things being completely wiped out or rendered redundant or unneeded and that doesn’t always need to manifest as raw destruction. It could simply be something going out of fashion or being lost to time. As I said, Extinction could potentially also have themes of change and replacement or becoming obsolete since it isn’t necessarily just about destruction.

The End- I don’t think the similarities here need much explanation since the End and the Extinction are compared by fans all the time and are directly compared to each other in the podcast itself, and it goes without saying that in order for living things to go extinct they usually need to all die. It is even speculated within TMA by Adelard Dekker that the Extinction may have been an aspect of the End and/or Corruption originally but split off when enough people generated the corresponding fears for the Extinction. This ties in with how we know that the dread powers are known to split off or emerge from other entities when the fear of something reaches a certain level or becomes distinct enough. Which in turn ties into the fact that all the entities are sort of connected and are actually just parts of a much bigger entity. While both the End and Extinction probably overlap heavily and often with themes and imagery regarding death, the Extinction has more of what comes after something dies and a more technological and artificial component to it. Something that makes sense when you consider that while death can and does often occur artificially it is ultimately a natural force that can never really be truly avoided. Even if someone isn’t shot or drowned they will still eventually die. When it comes to the End, the fear is more on just dying or the inevitability of death and the end of your life, but the Extinction focuses on the death of an entire species and often what comes after the fact on top of that. You’re not just dying, all of humanity is going to die or maybe even get replaced by something. Even if humanity is driven extinct the world continues to turn. As mentioned earlier the Extinction could also have more fear and imagery regarding change and replacement in general and not just death. So the extinction could easily extend more so to non-living things than the End tends to. Also, the Extinction tends to use symbols of the end of the world or the apocalypse with things like Apophis and Jörmungandr while the End tends to use things like the grim reaper, and psychopomps(the spiritual guide of a living person's soul) and it has a habit of granting people forms of immortality so they can continue to fear death for as long as possible, and I feel like the Extinction is less likely to do that. Interesting note, Apophis would later have an asteroid named after it(asteroid 99942 Apophis). This is because said asteroid is a near-Earth asteroid that could really fuck things up if it ever manages to hit our planet. However, there is no need to start bringing in the newest dread power into full fruition just yet because that asteroid still has an extraordinarily low chance of hitting anything and I’m not an avatar of the Extinction who gains sustenance from giving people heart attacks. Well… not yet anyway. I could also maybe see an overlap in the emphasis on bones with the End and the Flesh due to an association with fossils, bones, death, and extinct creatures. I think in the Extinction’s case it would probably tend to be more fossil-based as a way to remind you of long bygone eras.

The Lonely- I think this is another one of those fears that has an obvious connection because of the imagery the Extinction likes to use. A good way to show something going extinct is by showing places where that thing is no longer around to inhabit or hang out in. So if you are a human being touched by the Extinction and you get pulled into a place where the rest of humanity has apparently ceased to exist then it would give off the vibe of being completely and utterly alone. However, I imagine the Extinction would use way less fog, rain, and mist imagery than the Lonely unless it was tied to some sort of apocalypse or great change. The Extinction would probably have more smog, and pollution just to remind us how badly humanity managed to fuck both itself and an entire planet over. The dread power would probably still make use of more monsters or creatures being present than the Lonely typically does since there are plenty of apocalypses or extinction events that have weird mutants, robots, animals. aliens, etc. Plus, it would probably tend to have way more dead bodies lying around than the Lonely, as the Lonely doesn’t use as much death imagery as the End, Slaughter, or Desolation unless it wants to let you know you’re probably going to die alone.

The Slaughter- I ended up giving the Slaughter here its own section because I feel like a massive bloody conflict or war is a common enough form of apocalyptic imagery to warrant at least mentioning some of the potential overlap here in its own section. Outside of how violence, pain, and war may signify the end of the world or an extinction level conflict I really don’t see a lot of overlap outside of that. Nuclear weapons could easily work as imagery for both the Extinction and Slaughter. Since it is a weapon that was first used during a World War to inflict violence on a previously unimaginable scale, many fear the power of nukes as something that could easily end the world or wipe out humanity.

The Stranger- The Stranger is another one of the entities that has been directly compared to the Extinction. Specifically with how both powers often use man made or artificial imagery and themes of being replaced and/or changed(as mentioned in “MAG 149: Concrete Jungle”). I think there are some key differences even with this major overlap. The Stranger deals specifically with the fear of the unknown. So when something aligned with the Stranger larps as your grandpa by wearing his skin the fear more so comes from not only the fact that this person has been replaced but you have no idea who the new person is or what they want. The Stranger also has a strong connection to artificial objects and creations due to the fact that it also embodies the fear of the uncanny valley(which according to google is “a phenomenon whereby a computer-generated figure or humanoid robot bearing a near-identical resemblance to a human being arouses a sense of unease or revulsion in the person viewing it”). Which I assume relates to the idea that you can’t quite tell if something is human or not and that uncertainty leads into the unknown, i.e. your brain does not know what it’s looking at. In this regard I feel like the Extinction could be somewhat differentiated due to the fear being more focused on the act of changing itself or the end of something in particular. So you might be more likely to recognize whatever has been changed or replaced by the Extinction or at least the fear created would be more related to your time/era coming to an end and the like. The Extinction would also of course have more apocalyptic imagery and probably rely less on the uncanny valley.

The Vast- I feel like the Vast is actually one of the entities that could have a more “positive” or symbiotic relationship with Extinction, kind of like how the Lonely and the Eye or the Lonely and the Vast can often supplement each other because according to John in “MAG 159: The Last”- “The Lonely and the Eye aren’t too far apart, are they? Not really. What good’s being alone if you don’t know how alone you truly are?”. In regards to the second example, Peter Lukas points out that it is easier to feel utterly alone in a large place. Where does the connection between the Vast and Extinction come in? Well, the Vast ultimately embodies the fear of insignificance or really big things. This can be literal in the form of great heights or massive entities beyond human comprehension but it can also be metaphorical. The idea that you mean nothing and having your entire species or group wiped off the Earth could be even less than a fucking speck on the cosmic scale could definitely feed into that insignificance. Simon Fairchild, an avatar of the Vast, doesn’t seem that concerned with what the Extinction will or won’t do precisely because he views everything as insignificant anyway. To him, whether or not humanity lives or dies is ultimately a meaningless blip in the grand scheme of things that changes very little. I think the Vast would still lean way more into the imagery of falling, massive oceans, and the sky a lot more than the Extinction would though.

Abilities, Powers and Attributes

With some of the differences between the other fear entities narrowed down we can begin to discuss some of the powers, abilities, attributes, symbols, etc. that the Extinction either has manifested as or could manifest as. Before I continue it’s important to remember that when it comes to symbols and powers all the entities can really manifest as just about anything as long as it helps produce the fear they feed on. Now the entities tend to rely on certain symbols more than others to get the job done(like the Desolation with fire and heat and the Web with strings, addiction, and spiders) but no entity has a monopoly on any given symbol. Thinking of the End as “the bone one” and the Vast as “the sky one” misunderstands how the entities work and limits one’s understanding of their true horror and scope. When it comes to avatars and monsters, while each Avatar can have any number of abilities and powers based on all kinds of factors their powers usually symbolically connect to their entity. For example, if one is an avatar of the Eye/Beholding their abilities will typically revolve around eyes, espionage, knowing things, forcing other people to know things, or having ways of gaining information and/or knowledge. Meanwhile, the powers of say the Dark will often revolve around… well darkness, shadows and things that may lurk within them. So we can at least get a general sense for what kind of abilities being aligned with the Extinction may grant even if two avatars for even the same dread power can have wildly different powers. I’m making a list to give a general vibe of a hypothetical Extinction aligned creature or person’s abilities and not some hard rule like “These are exactly the only 15 different powers an Extinction avatar could have.” Also, there’s going to be an obvious limitation in that I really doubt that even an Avatar of the Extinction could single handedly end the world with nothing but their own powers without some sort of weird ritual or the most insane teamwork known to man.

We haven’t seen much of the Extinction but we do know based on what we have seen of it that it tended to manifest as man made objects, typically things like pollution, debris, trash and other things that can remind humans of the damage we are dealing to the planet, creatures we are wiping out, and the potential doom we may face in a future where we don’t exist. Out of all the powers the Extinction seemed to use technology symbolism the most as it has manifested as numbers being sent from a strange signal. The entity was also seen manifesting as mutants in a postapocalyptic domain after the change. It also tends to use any imagery that can be used to get across the destruction or wiping out of humanity or the destruction/breakdown of nature and the natural order. It has also manifested with imagery relating to world ending creatures from mythology(such as Apophis and Jörmungandr from Egyptian and Scandinavian mythology respectively). I think this imagery could theoretically extend to things like metamorphosis and shed skin. While yes there are the previously mentioned world ending snakes one of the most notable features of snakes is their ability to shed their skin. Shedding skin can and has been used as imagery for change or growth which I feel could work really well with the Extinction. Metamorphosis also fulfills a similar role and could rope in imagery like that of butterflies and moths.

As for even more hypothetical or fan-theory based ways I personally think the Extinction might have manifested if it was a fully fledged entity is through clocks and ticking/tocking noises. Now this may seem like a weird and confusing hypothesis but let me introduce you to the concept of the Doomsday Clock. What is the Doomsday Clock? Well as the wikipedia article states “The Doomsday Clock is a symbol that represents the likelihood of a man-made global catastrophe, in the opinion of the members of the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists. Maintained since 1947, the clock is a metaphor for threats to humanity from unchecked scientific and technological advances. A hypothetical global catastrophe is represented by midnight on the clock, with the Bulletin's opinion on how close the world is to one represented by a certain number of minutes or seconds to midnight, assessed in January of each year. The main factors influencing the clock are nuclear risk and climate change.” If that doesn’t scream potential Extinction imagery I don’t know what does. I think the clock also ties in very well with the Extinction’s theme of change and being the “The Terrible Change.” What better way is there to remind people of an incoming change than something that measures the passage of time? It could also be used to represent the inevitable end of humanity approaching. I’m sure everyone can relate to the anxiety of an upcoming event and just watching the clock in anticipation and fear.

I would also argue that for a similar reason this symbolism would extend to hour-glasses. Also, apparently an hour glass is also used as a symbol to represent the threat of a mass extinction event caused by humanity. So there is definitely a lot of potential time imagery there.

With those symbols nailed down we can use them to guess what kind of broad categories the abilities the Extinction grants would usually fall under.

The first is abilities regarding various forms of technology. I imagine this would often take the form of being able to incorporate technology into their bodies in various ways to lean into the Extinction’s themes of change and replacing humanity both metaphorically and/or literally. This could also extend to even being able to understand and maybe even potentially control various forms of technology to a degree. It is also not out of the question that some might even be able to change one or more parts of their body into machinery. Imagine cutting someone open only to find that their “weak and outdated fleshy organs” were being replaced with new strange technology. I feel like these ideas could apply to any technology to a degree but would probably most often relate to aspects of weapons of mass destruction(think of radiation from nuclear bombs or a nuclear holocaust). It would be unsurprising to see avatars of the Extinction who have become more machine or metal than human, or what was once human anyway. Replacing limbs with things like metal cables, eyes with camera, and skin with leather. You could also lean into a Mad Max style vibe if you really wanted to as a way to really hammer in the apocalypse energy.

The second hypothetical ability relates to mutations and change or being replaced. I imagine that when these abilities relate to organic things they often have to do with mutations. Either inflicting some sort of mutation on the user or a victim that causes the affected to undergo monstrous physical changes that are usually supposed to “improve” or change them in horrific ways. These mutations would usually cause the person with them to become less and less human and more like a monster straight out of a post apocalyptic story. Some avatars could probably return to a form that resembles their human selves in order to hide in plain sight, even if a lot of them probably could have a lot of off putting inhuman features even when in human form. I could also see some sort of mutation-esque ability revolving around extinct lifeforms in some way. For example, maybe trapping someone in the body of an extinct lifeform being killed or just unleashing the “wrath and fear” of creatures that are about to go extinct or have gone extinct(such as a wooly mammoth or dinosaur). I can also see weird change or mutation abilities relating to technology. I already pitched being able to do things like incorporate technology into one’s body but maybe there exist avatars who could impart pieces of themselves onto certain forms of technology in order to either control the technology or transform it into something else entirely. Maybe sometimes it would be an odd assortment of flesh and metal and at other times it would transform into a piece of technology that seemingly shouldn’t exist. I could also see some having the ability to simply treat technology like it's alive. As if they can talk to it and occasionally one could see things like computers thrashing about in an attempt to come to life or phones calling out with distorted voices reading out numbers and messages. This also ties into the fear a lot of people have about being replaced by technology. Whether that be the more fantastical robot uprising or the more grounded idea of automation rendering your job unnecessary or obsolete.

As alluded to earlier with the whole clock and hour-glass theme, I could also see a sort of passage of time theme. Now since the Extinction is all about things changing I really doubt it could say rewind time, time travel back through time, or anything of the sort but I could see it accelerating how time flows around specific targets to make things age and wither away as they become obsolete in seconds. It could even have ways to slow down time in order to force someone to experience the world changing and moving on without them as they and their knowledge becomes obsolete. Or maybe they are just forced to watch the world they know and love die in various ways around them. I could also potentially see this extending to some sort of ability to speed up time to make things erode or age to rubble and/or dust in order to show the inevitability of change and how time continues to march on. Likewise, I think there would also be cases where the Extinction or one of its avatars/monsters can mess with one’s perception of time by either slowing it down and/or speeding it up to mess with how they experience change. A neat aesthetic for this could be the tick tocking of a supposed doomsday clock that fills some with dread and/or a feeling of inevitability and maybe even simply drives them mad as they are constantly reminded of each second passing. Imagine a book/Leitner that as you read it time around you seems to move faster and faster until before you know it the entire world around you has completely and utterly changed into something alien and scary.

I think fossils are also associated with extinction heavily enough for there to be an argument for abilities and symbology regarding fossils to be present in the Extinction’s influences. There might be books that once read slowly reduce you to a fossilized husk or Avatars with the ability to turn organic material into fossils within seconds via touch. Imagine creatures composed of fossilized remains of all the bones of each species humanity had a hand in driving to extinction.

Finally, another more obvious ability the Extinction could bestow are those revolving around common factors that cause extinction events. I did a tiny bit of research(so feel free to add to this list) and some of the most common ones are overharvesting of natural resources, pollution, habitat destruction, the introduction of invasive species, overhunting, etc. I feel like messing around with themes of invasive species and overhunting can get really interesting when you involve humans. I mean think about what kind of weird fucked up shit an invasive species would need to be to threaten driving humans to extinction. Such beings could easily seem alien or maybe even godlike. The pollution could manifest as living globs of oil, sludge, smog and other things deadly to almost every lifeform and one could see avatars that leak disgusting cancerous oil from the pores of their body or cry polluted water that is more potent and destructive than any sort of acid rain. Overharvesting could be represented via a form of endless hunger. Like an avatar who feels the burning desire to devour almost any resource they come across or with the ability to constantly absorb things into their body as a way of feeding themselves. Imagine that weird friend crashing at your house who seems normal at first but begins to not only eat all your food with a never ending hunger but all your pet’s food, your air conditioner, and maybe even your neighbor's stuff. Like are you really about to try to tell him to leave? Representing habitat destruction is kind of difficult without coming off as being almost exactly like the Desolation. I guess you could lean away from fire and heat and more towards specifically man-made disasters like acid rain that eats away at everything or radiation slowly killing all the organic life.

What would Avatars of Extinction be like?

Now, this symbolism and power set theming is cool and all but we can go even deeper and ask another interesting question. What would Avatars of the Extinction tend to be like? This is an odd question but it's important to remember that certain entities tend to attract, or reach out to, certain kinds of people. We also know that to one degree or another it is possible to have a potential affinity for certain entities(like how Annabelle pointed out Martin had an affinity for the Web). Plus, we know that certain personality traits tend to be encouraged or attracted to the idea of becoming Avatars for certain entities. Avatars of the Web tend to be good at manipulating others, Avatars of the Eye tend to be those who are obsessed with seeking out knowledge and observing people, Avatars of the Buried often loved cramped and claustrophobic spaces, Avatars of the Lonely often prefer to be… well alone, etc. So what kind of people could we expect to see among Avatars of the Extinction? As always this isn’t supposed to be a hard definitive list and I imagine that like with all people who serve the powers there can be plenty of exceptions and most people would probably fall under multiple categories.

The Eco-terrorists- The first category isn’t just eco-terrorists but a broader category of people who basically despise humanity because they see humanity as either unnatural or a parasite/blight on the earth. Thus, they see all the terrible things humans do and believe that they should be wiped off the Earth, and potentially replaced with something that could do better than humanity. This can possibly be seen with Garland Hillier in TMA and his essay titled L'Avenir("The Future") that was detailed a speculation about the human race’s end in a future where a corrupt humanity was completely wiped out by a new category of beings he called "Les héritiers" I imagine a noticeable amount of people within this category would see the Extinction as a manifestation of Earth’s wrath or nature’s vengeance and the like.

Doomsday Preppers- Another one that’s simple to explain. This category is basically for doomsday prepper-style folk and those who revel in preparing for the end of the world or the apocalypse. Probably often hoping to have some sort of power fantasy in an apocalyptic/post-apocalyptic world. I imagine doomsday preppers fall into a very weird category because I feel like a lot of them are actually really afraid of the world ending, hence the preparing, and thus may actually be very common targets for the Extinction and its ilk but at the same time I think there are plenty of doomsday preppers who sort of look forward to the end of the world as a way to feel validated in their preparation or live out a fantasy. Some may even see it as a chance to give humanity a clean slate.

Apocalypticism- My apocalypticism category is what it says on the tin. It refers to those who have a religious belief that the world will end at some point in their lifetime, usually accompanied by the fall of civilization and the like. Imagine an Extinction avatar awaiting something like rapture. I would also say this category of people who associate themselves with the Extinction has already been seen in The Magnus Archives series itself with Garland Hillier, who(along with the Millerite Movement) believed that the world would end on October 22, 1844. Of course, the apocalypse did not occur but they are still a good example of what I mean. I imagine many would see the Extinction as some sort of god or divine will. People seeing the entities as gods has already happened in TMA with people like Peter Lukas referring to their respective entities as some sort of god.

Ascension- This is a category I made for people who believe in the world ending but more in the sense that it’s changing. Think of a rapture-style situation where the world ends and the worthy ascend to something higher while the unworthy die or are sent somewhere else, or maybe a being comes bearing enlightenment or truth that changes everything. The Extinction has themes of change and replacement so from the perspective of avatars in this category if they prove themselves they might be seen as worthy enough to become one of these “new” or “future” beings and live in the Extinction’s new world. Similar to the previous category, I imagine many in this category might see the Extinction as some sort of god or divine entity.

Acceptance- Not really much to say about this category. This is just for people who see Extinction as an inevitable part of the universe and that there is often little point in fighting against it. They may see humans as doomed or fuck ups that are beyond saving so see no point in struggling against the end of humanity or other creatures.

Power Hungry- A type of person we see serving all the entities are those that turn to them in order to obtain power or to extend their life with the supernatural abilities the dread powers grant. There is not much to say beyond that because what the entities offer these people is very basic and self-explanatory. Jonah Magnus himself is a good example as he turned to the eye in an attempt to prolong his life and potentially make himself immortal by fully bringing into the physical world.

As mentioned earlier, I’m sure there would be plenty of exceptions but here’s the majority of the types of people I think the Extinction would attract. 

But what are some of the common side-effects being influenced by the Extinction may cause? It is well documented that the dread powers are known to have some sort of influence on those who serve them and may exaggerate or emphasize certain aspects of people and/or their personality. For example, the Slaughter made Melanie King more rageful by playing up her existing frustrations and rage at her situation and the Hunt can make you more animalistic or obsessed with chasing and catching others in general. I think a lot of the side-effects can probably be guessed based on the type of people the Extinction would attract to serve it in the first place. Such as starting to find humans disgusting, parasitic, inherently corrupt or evil, becoming obsessed with changing the world in some sort of weird and often apocalyptic way, being obsessed with the future, or seeing Extinction as inevitable in the same way that an Avatar of the End could see death as inevitable or an avatar of the Vast may see life as insignificant.

Designing Avatars

Okay, I have basically finished the core meat and potatoes of this speculation. So here comes the fun part. Designing and writing concepts for one or more Extinction avatars in order to help get my points across.

After scouring some of the statements given to me I came across one by the name of Drogo Apotha. Odd name I must say. But what’s interesting is how he first appears in these records in 1864. Apparently, a boat somehow became trapped beneath the waters of Cuyahoga River in Ohio the day before the river caught on fire from the almost inhuman amount of pollution that had built up in the body of water. The boat didn’t sink into the water and oil though and some claim the captain had rocks in the place of teeth and a tongue made of mud. But Buried aside, someone traveling along the river about 1 year and two months ago saw what they thought was a dead body. In a panic the police were called and the body was taken for testing. I had to pull a lot of strings and all kinds of favors to get the autopsy report but most agree that there was some sort of error. The body was severely burnt. The official documentation doesn’t know what caused this and assume it was some sort of murder or failed attempt to discard the body before throwing it into the river. But I believe these burns may be connected to the fire of the Cuyahoga River. Tears constantly leaked from the eyes of… Drago? I will call him “Drago” for now. But it could easily be something that took his place or body. Anyway, these tears were incredibly acidic. With a ph low enough to burn through some of the gloves worn by the people operating on the body. They were immediately taken for proper treatment. As the body was cut open the insides seemed… fresh? Despite the age and burning of the outside of the body, all the internal fluids of the body had been replaced with oil, as in the fossil fuel. And the heart seemed to be beating, albeit really slowly. Baffled by this and not knowing what to do, the body was simply preserved and stored. However, one of the people who had been burned by Drago’s acid came to me asking to perform an investigation and/or exorcism(whichever could make the problem go away). After they had been burned by the acid the pain caused by it never faded. Also, whenever they dreamed they would have the same dream every night since they got the wound. A disgusting polluted river that was more garbage than water up in flames. The river would slowly rise as a loudspeaker played a bunch of numbers… 59375630583928464749162830165049564846474827. I don’t know their meaning but they remind me of the numbers played in a statement #0090310 that Dekker had provided me. The body of Drago has since gone missing and with its disappearance there have been reports of a rancid smell on some parts of the Cuyahoga River along with the appearance of drowning victims. All bodies found have been afflicted with acid damage and have had several of their organs replaced with nearby trash. They also had signs of being force fed oil. The authorities believe it to be a serial killer but that doesn’t completely add up to me. Personally, I believe our mysterious “Drago” is the culprit and he may have even become the first avatar of this “Future without Us.”

To be frank, I’m not 100% sure where I should even begin with this one. These recordings are supposed to be a short compilation of evidence and signs regarding the Extinction for Dekker as opposed to full length statements. Despite the fact that this case isn’t even finished there is so much for me to say, but I will save most of that for its respective statement. Anyway, I have received reports from yet another client. I was hesitant to believe them at first but if the sound in my hearing aids and the activation of some of those tapes I snagged from the Usher Foundation is to be any indication then they are probably telling the truth. Which could mean we now have the existence of the first Extinction avatar on our hands. The description of their appearance by each client seemed different each time(so I originally believed each report to be a separate incident). However, there were some key features they always had. They always wore a hat, sunglasses and a face mask of a certain design and made to obscure their face. The weird thing was of course, when they sweated they smelled like gasoline and whenever they spoke it sounded like it was coming from a radio filled with static. The few times they were seen without a mask dark gray vehicle exhaust poured out of their mouth. Several clients have made complaints about them, potentially stalking and assaulting themselves or other people. Each person who was assaulted harbored strange wounds. Limbs that had been mutated into something hairy or reptilian. Some victims refused to leave their house due to how horrid they found their mutated appearance and others attempted to chop their mutated body parts off. That is not even the weirdest part… There have been at least several reports of this assailant being killed, but they continue to show up. The first death account involved the, being found burned alive in their own home after it had caught fire. According to the autopsy report this person was identified as a woman. But this very same autopsy report is strange because it keeps mentioning how she embraced the “Terrible Change”. At first, I assumed this might just be the work of the Illusion, or the Spiral as Dekker called it, attempting to confuse me again. Upon further evidence and reflection however, I ended up coming to the conclusion that the attacker might be connected to the Extinction. Me and Nancy even decided to perform a stake out to gather some more information on this person. We ended up bringing Bridget just in case we had to “exorcize” something by force. I even pulled that old Eye-aligned camera out of storage just in case. The artifact is surprisingly agreeable as long as you are okay with being recorded while you are using it. Tame as far as artifacts go but it should still be handled with caution. It is extremely useful for recording the truly supernatural, I have even caught invisible things on camera by using it. But, anything that doesn’t have to do with a person who doesn’t want to be recorded or the supernatural will be deleted after about 24 hours. Outside of that the camera seems to have an infinite amount of memory space. During our escapade the camera managed to catch something… unexpected. We witnessed our target walk into the street without flinching and get hit by a car. The person who hit them of course freaked out and began to panic. When they got too close to the body the target reached out and grabbed them, causing the driver to scream and panic as they hit the target and backed away. I could not get a good glimpse of it but it appeared that there was a patch of fur on the victim’s arm. In utter shock they ran down the street screaming and crying while our target simply stood up and straightened her clothes. Something appeared to be wriggling. At first I thought it was something under her clothes but I realized it was something bulging and whirring from under her skin. As it did all the bleeding coming from her body stopped. They looked like a completely different person. This time a tan teenage boy of some sort. He eventually walked for several miles towards a different street. Getting purposefully hit once again, sending him flying several feet through the air. This time he got back up immediately. No broken bones, no blood, no nothing. The driver looked horrified of course but drove away. Probably to avoid being accused of a crime. Our target would wander the streets and come across someone burning a pile of leaves and branches. Much to their horror he walked onto their property and into the burning pile only to come out unscathed. He then began talking about promises of evolution and change as the person ran away. It is this obsession with change and evolution that seems to be unlike the other dread powers and forces me to acknowledge that the Extinction may be at play. I speculate that the power of this specific person revolves around some sort of idea of accelerated evolution. If they would die they simply evolve into something else and they can force other people to evolve, but more research is needed.

I have received several reports in regards to medical malpractice performed by a doctor who went by the name Dr. Dagny. Of course, when people call me it’s either because no one else will listen or something supernatural is happening. This one happens to be the latter. Their clothes were stained with black oil in every report. Not perfume oil mind you, but the fossil fuel. An obvious biohazard in any medical facility worth its salt. However, Dagny seemed to prey on those who were extremely desperate emotionally or monetarily. Dagny would offer potential patients “true and everlasting change” and would promise to permanently fix all kinds of problems by making them “cyborgs” or showing them the “future of medical technology.” I’m not really sure what many of these listed fixes were supposed to do. One time she replaced someone’s entire nervous system with copper wiring, another time she replaced someone’s eyes with camera lenses. I even had one report of a person having their lower half replaced with that of some disgusting mutant or monster so that they could apparently walk again. By some ungodly miracle it worked but the pain was too unbearable for the patient. That’s another thing, while some of these procedures work about as well as you would expect, some of the procedures sort of actually worked. Well, if you consider being in either terrible agony or being described by all friends and family as coming back inhuman or robotic in their mannerisms while not displaying an ounce of emotion as “working.” One Jane Doe states that when her father returned he would move from place to place like a program. Not even acknowledging anyone or anything as he did so. He would just wake up, move downstairs to eat breakfast at exactly 7:15, go to work at 9:05, etc. on the dot daily without missing a beat. I managed to put together some of the reports by clients and statements from the archives to compile a description of Dr. Dagny and track them down. Their face and head did not actually move all that much and mostly just hung limply to the side. When the doctor spoke the sound was electronic and clearly did not originate from their mouth and/or vocal cords. They wore sunglasses that obscured their eyes no matter how dark the room was. Taking these glasses off only revealed lifeless eyes that remained stuck open as black oil stained near their tear ducts. Almost, as if they had been crying. Some clients even caught glimpses of a bright electronic light, like that of a computer screen, flashing from underneath the doctor’s clothes. Some, what I guess you could describe as unlucky souls, managed to see what was under those clothes. It was a computer embedded into their stomach. While Dagny’s head seemed almost dead, the faces on this screen more clearly displayed their emotional state. Flashing horrifically distorted pictures of whatever emotion they were feeling. Whenever they talked this face’s mouth would just rhythmically open and close in a poor mockery of speech. Of course, the computer itself seemed like a fusion of flesh and technology. Some parts of its screen seemed like glass while others seemed like some sort of translucent flesh. Countless wires emerged from the screen and violently connected the machine with the rest of the body. I suspect this doctor may yet be another person aligned with the Extinction. I admit that I am well aware that this might simply be the work of the Stranger given the presence of the uncanny valley. But I also cannot rule out the possibility that this may yet be another person or entity aligned with Extinction. The obsession with change and technology is quite out of the ordinary for the likes of the Strange and its ilk in my humble opinion. But only time will tell. If only Mr. Dekker was still here to look over my findings… but alas.

This case is most interesting. A police officer themselves came to me asking for aid in regards to a murder. It was a case involving the murder of one Darwin Herslac. A murder that occurred several times within the past month, one involved a car crash, another a knife stabbing, another a gun, etc. There have been several confessions to the murder and several bystanders claiming he had died in each murder. There are even medical records confirming it, but Darwin himself claims to have no memory of these murders occurring. I suppose it's not impossible that this person is simply one of the luckiest people I have seen in my life but more recent information I have gathered points to one or more of the dread powers at work. After some searching I have found ominous piles of skin and hair that were shed like a snake. However, the skin and hair of these sheddings were definitely human. These piles of skin were also all relatively close to the scene of all the murders that were reported. Other than that my investigations brought me dead end after dead end. Eventually, I was forced to take matters into my own hands and ran an experiment. With the help of my glass eye I was able to confirm without a shadow of a doubt that something was going on with Darwin and I had Bridget light their house on fire. Darwin made no attempt to put out the fire or even run from it and just stared at it as it consumed his body and the entire house. Upon returning to the scene I saw nothing but a blackened charred corpse where he had been. After a few minutes I heard what I thought was a car exhaust from the body before it transitioned to gasps of air. Then, like a caterpillar emerging from a chrysalis, Darwin crawled out of his own charred remains wet but fully formed, leaving nothing but a pile of shed skin behind. He had a wide grin on their face and started explaining to me that change was inevitable and I would have to turn to serve the “Terrible Change” if I wanted to survive the new era that was to come. Bridget managed to restrain Darwin for the time being. There is not a lot of information to work with here but thanks to my glass eye I have concluded 2 things. 1. It appears that whenever Darwin dies they are revived with no unseen adaptations rendering them all but immune to what killed them previously. 2. The Terrible Change probably refers to the Extinction or something adjacent to it. I believe the Extinction to be tied strongly to themes of change and I cannot find any matches with a name like “the Terrible Change” and any other of the dread powers. I can’t say for sure if Darwin is a fully fledged avatar of the Extinction or if that is even possible but something is definitely afoot, especially as the Extinction continues to emerge. Which I suppose could play a factor but I don’t know enough of the specifics. More research is needed…

Designing Creatures

Similar to the avatars I figured I would design and write a few concepts for Extinction aligned monsters.

Simply known as “The Smog” by most who have encountered it, it is a monster that is most definitely aligned to the newly emerged Extinction Adelard Dekker was so adamant in warning me about. In appearance it takes the form of a thick smog. However, upon walking into it any victims will quickly realize the acidic nature of the cloud as it burns away at their flesh, lungs, and eyes. Blinding them and leaving them screaming and flailing through the cloud as factory soot pelts them. No matter how many people they entered the cloud with, no one would respond to their pleas and wails. Eventually, after what seems like an eternity, the burning subsides and the victim will be left to gaze upon their neighborhood or city. But it will be empty and desolate. Every person gone and every house worn away by an unholy cacophony of radiation and acid from centuries ago. Every person I’ve talked to in regards to this “creature” says that years passed as they wandered the wastelands. While I might have found this preposterous upon seeing what one of my clients looked like just two days ago when compared to now… well let’s just say it speaks for itself. Some people mention, and even have tape recordings, of strange mutated creatures wandering the waste. About 1/4th of the people that came to me mentioned something about there being other actual living people in these lands. However, they either take the form of bleached skeletons from days long gone or marauders and doomsday enthusiasts, of which have seemingly gone mad or just embraced the new world they have found themselves in. Despite many of the smog’s more supernatural elements hunger still persists when in it. Forcing those trapped within the smog to scrounge for oddly placed rations and cans of expired food or resorting to feasting upon the flesh of whatever they can find. Whether that be the “animals” or… humans… All victims who have survived the smog are covered in chemical burns and various DNA tests clearly show that they have all aged one year or more. Some are left blind by the acid. I shudder to think about this Smog as the survivors I have encountered are probably the minority. So who knows the amount of people that either died to the acid, died to the hellish landscape, or still wander those wastes. I have set about attempting to track the smog as best as I can. There has been very little success as it does not move as one cloud but instead dissipates into mere vapor and pollutants before forming somewhere else. It has the ability to change its color to match the surrounding and tends to show up in cities that are victims of pollution. Most of the statements that the Magnus Archives have provided me mention Hong Kong as an area it often appears in.

As the Extinction continues to swell and emerge I have gotten more and more clients coming to me with strange reports. Well… stranger than usual anyway. There have been people and events that fail to show any signs of the presence of any other powers despite their supernatural nature. Which leads me to conclude that they might be in fact tied to the Extinction. Someone who will remain anonymous came in reporting about a strange cloud hanging over their house. It was a sickly yellowish gray and held the exact same shape without ever moving with the wind. It completely blocked off sunlight from reaching the area around the house, leading to the death of all the plants in their carefully tended garden. Whenever it rained the cloud would “mimic” the rain around it by pouring acid rain onto the area below. I managed to get a sample of some of the water and soil in the area and took it to a lab. The ph was frighteningly low and acidic. Whenever the cloud “rained” any attempt to use wi-fi, tv, radios, or phone calls would just lead to a constant stream of “the world is always ending” accompanied by the ticking sound of a clock to play from the device in question at fall blast with no way to turn it off. When it wasn’t raining all the tvs and radios would become stuck on a news channel that only talked about global warming, pollution, and man-made natural disasters, nothing else. The voices of the news anchors were robotic and parts of their body were replaced with plastic(but they did not seem to notice or react). Each time the client saw them more and more of their bodies would be replaced with plastic and/or trash but this did not seem to affect their ability to speak. The client was forced to leave after the constant barrages of acid rain rendered the structure of their house unstable. The final night they slept in their own home they were awoken by the sound of a loud vacuum sucking up water. They looked out their window and saw hundreds of tubes all surrounding the house and lapping up the water and biomass from around their home. When they left that day their yard was now a completely blank square of sickly dirt. None of the neighbors seem to recall any sort of strange cloud, only that it rained slightly more than usual. Like the smog mentioned in my previous interview it would appear that this cloud can also dissipate and reappear but more research is needed.

This report baffles me and has me pondering the reach of the dread powers. It is yet another… artifact???... entity??? And seems to parallel some of the theories about the Extinction provided by Adelard Dekker. I have received a couple of cases from clients talking about a red star. In all these cases the clients were either stargazing or looking up at the sky only to notice what appeared to be a red star. Said star in question did not appear in any sort of records. Whenever they tried to tell someone else about it the star would seemingly wink out and nobody else in the area except for a select handful of people and… things that I can only assume were once people seem to recall seeing such a body in the sky. Interestingly, all these witnesses had been targeted or aligned with either the Eye, the Vast, or a third entity that I believe to be the Extinction because these people were definitely aligned with A power of some sort. But one that did not match any of the other entities. All those who witness this “star” first assume it to be a planet, such as Mars, only to find that sometimes it actively moves through the sky like an airplane. But it never blinks like one nor makes any sort of sound. One client found radio signals coming from the star. All the signals did was play a bunch of news reports from all across the world in all different kinds of languages. The one thing they all had in common though is they all talked about the end of the world, pollution, climate change, or a doomsday clock. I went to go check up on those who had seen this star only to find that almost all of them had either gone mad or become unhealthily obsessed with space travel and/or the future. Attempting to build rockets or freeze themselves so that they could escape our supposedly doomed Earth. Ironically, their attempts created a lot of the pollution and destruction they claimed to be so afraid of around their residence or operation. As for my speculation… well, my current hypothesis is that the thing in the sky is not in fact a planet or star but a satellite or space station. Perhaps akin to that of the Daedalus put together the Rayner along with the Fairchilds and Lukas families. Heck, it might even be the Daedalus itself considering how hard it is to find information on the space station. But there are some contradictions with this theory and I have yet to find a reason why these people would want to ally or accelerate the emergence of the Extinction. Doing so sounds like it would only further complicate the power plays between all the dread powers. It could always be a separate satellite altogether though. Only time will tell I suppose.

I believe these 4 creatures might be connected. So while it may come off as disorganized to mention them all in the same case file there is a method to my madness. Each of these creatures appears to take inspiration from the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse that the Bible says will arrive to herald the end of days. Thusly, I have referred to them as “Pestilence,” “War,” “Death” and “Famine,”I am slightly embarrassed to admit that I didn’t immediately realize the connection. There are plenty of cults or groups that worship or follow each of the powers but in hindsight all these cults seem to have formed relatively recently and surprisingly close to each other. While I originally assumed three of these “horsemen” to belong to the Corruption, Slaughter, and the End respectively, the appearance of Famine has me suspect that all of these creatures might actually be connected to the Extinction. Furthermore, Pestilence, War and Death show that the Extinction might be trying to metaphorically piggyback off of the following of other dread powers to further its own agenda. Which is not completely unheard of, especially with regards to the Web and its ilk. 

Pestilence had followers of the Corruption worshiping it as some sort of god or herald of a new age. What remained of the creature after Bridget Gudet was hired to deal with it resembled a horse. But it was rotting like a corpse despite being freshly dead. Its entire body had not a single muscle despite the fact that it could apparently move. It looked beyond stick thin with the exception of its stomach. Which was bloated in a manner that resembled pregnancy. However, while the embryo appeared organic everything was shaped like a machine. It almost resembled a computer or radio and I don’t want to imagine what its purpose may have been. But the members of the cult that worshiped this thing seemed convinced that it was to be the first “new human.” However, I consider them very… shall we say biased though, to say the least. Accounts detailing this creature mention that all those who touched it or even breathed while too close to it turned into zombie-like creatures straight out of a horror film. When in the presence of others they had a pretty convincing imitation of their former selves. But the smell of human blood would cause them to fly into a frenzy and attempt to infect the source of the smell. They also smelled rancid despite their appearance. I managed to come across one of these remaining zombies and, at least the one I came across, didn’t seem to feel pain. If someone was bitten by one of these “zombies” they would turn into one of them. Then, after a period of about 25 hours they would make their way towards Pestilence before physically fusing with the creature. I believe this biomass is what the embryo was composed of. Like the other 3 horsemen cults, this one seemed obsessed with some form of apocalypse. In this case they were fanatics about zombie apocalypses and fantasized about starting one so they could live out some odd idealized dream.

“War” doesn’t seem to actually be alive. It is composed purely of what looked like scrap and shrapnel that had been fused together by some sort of superheated blast to resemble a horse. A cult formed around it composed of followers of the Slaughter. However, this cult seemed obsessed with a nuclear war leading to the end of civilization. I found evidence that they were trying, and horribly failing, to get their hands on nuclear weapons. War rarely moved, often sitting around like a statue. I even saw some unfortunate bystanders mistaking it for some sort of art piece. But when it did it would launch shrapnel and bullets in every direction, making it very dangerous. Anybody who managed to survive being hit by this debris would begin to dream of a nuclear holocaust ending the world every time they slept. Supposedly they could feel the slow agonizing death of every irradiated creature. They also began to sweat profusely and become more and more aggressive and violent, attempting to start fights or harm people. Most concerning however, is that some of them would begin to produce some amount of radiation. First, it is virtually unnoticeable but it eventually reaches dangerous levels. Despite this the one afflicted with the condition doesn’t die from the radiation like one would think. They continue to function until randomly collapsing into a pile of irradiated cancerous and mutated mush. This is an obvious biohazard and local officials chalked it up to some sort of leak in a nearby power plant or something. Which sent the city into a panic. Unfortunately, Neither me or Bridget have been able to catch or kill this creature due to how dangerous it is. But rest assured we are keeping our eyes on it.

The horseman of Death was worshiped by a cult that followed the End. They would kidnap anyone they saw as potential initiates, or enemies, to this creature and force them to gaze upon it. When they did one of two things would happen. Most of the time the person would simply fall over dead. However, occasionally someone would be found “worthy” and would find themselves plagued by dreams of all the life on our planet being snuffed out in some way. Whether it be through food shortage, asteroids, war, so on and so forth. They also found themselves obsessed with extinct species and sought desperately to harvest DNA and body parts from remains of mammoths, dodo birds, dinosaurs, etc. Somehow, they were able to… mutate themselves. I saw one with a disgusting disproportionate jaw full of teeth that were as big as their own hand. After Bridget managed to “nab” a tooth I did some research and took it to a local museum. It appears to be a fossil of a Tyrannosaurus Rex. One of my clients managed to get a picture of the horseman before dying and it appears to look like a bunch of human corpses forced into the shape of a horse. Unfortunately, I have yet to find a way to trap or kill but I have my eye on it. Adelard Dekker has responded to the few inquiries that made it to him. Currently the solution I am cooking up for both War and Famine involves a lot of concrete. Unfortunately, I am going to need to rent a cement truck.

Finally there is Famine. This “horsemen” is what finally made me realize that these creatures may not be what they seem. Well, besides being manifestations of entities that are born from and feed off human fear. Famine doesn’t seem to relate to any of the other powers. Leading me to presume that while there are arguments for the other horsemen belonging to different powers, this one must be aligned with the emerging Extinction. It resembles a bone thin human that has been twisted into the shape of a horse. It seems mostly organic except its neck is made up of plastic pipes and oil slowly drips from its nostrils and it has misshapen horseshoes on. The creature has a supernatural appetite. It can eat seemingly anything and I even caught it eating bricks from buildings and tree trunks until the plants fell over. It can also drink literal gallons of water. However, once it is completely full and bloated it will vomit them up as a disgusting downpour of rancid smoke, plastic, and pollution. Its followers would often feed it and then attempt to consume this byproduct. I was made privy to its existence when I was called to investigate what was assumed to be an illegal lumber operation that was leading to the deforestation of the land. However, I found no equipment. Only disgusting amounts of trash, plastic, and this thing eating a tree. I have heard stories in the area of a haunted lumber machine and I may have to look into those for a possible connection. Most frighteningly, I have received a couple testimonies and witnesses saying that they saw a horse that matches this description seemingly communicating with the other horsemen. It didn’t neigh but let out a strange static radio noise whenever it came across one of the others. Furthermore, they refuse to attack each other and their cults never came into conflict even when they came into contact with each other. Despite supposedly serving different entities. Leading me to believe that they could all even be the same creature or manifestations of the Extinction given that they all seem to connect to apocalypses and the end times.

Leitners

Today someone submitted a book to me from the library for exorcism. It is a copy of “Man After Man” by Philip Hood but the cover is almost completely eroded except for the title and the author credit is typed out in binary. I interviewed my client about the book and they said their child read the book and they fell in love with some of the speculative creatures in the book and would pretend to be them. However, overtime the child began to go through physical… changes and the client refused to elaborate any further. After locating some tapes I found that the original book contains numerous hypothetical evolutionary paths for humanity in a possible future. But all the victims of the book I was able to find gained traits that resemble the creatures in the book. Supposedly, “evolving” them into one of humanity's future forms. I suspect this to be a Leitner having to do with the Extinction given its themes of the future and mutation but more research is required. 

This book has piqued my curiosity even more than usual as it was given to my client by a strange librarian with webs in her hair. While I was expecting a Web related Leitner this book appears to have nothing to do with the Web. In fact it has more in common with the creatures, and avatars of the Extinction. What the Web and its ilk seek to do with this dread power is beyond me. But it’s not the first time that the Web, and all the other dread powers for that matter, have sought to manipulate, ally or just take advantage of each other. Some powers seem to usually get along as well as fire and water, see my last report on the Buried and Vast in the respective section. However, some dread powers seem to almost supplement each other, like the Vast and the Lonely and maybe even the Web and the Eye. The feeling of manipulation and being watched or having information about yourself being revealed often go hand in hand. The Eye cares only about gathering information and fear and the more information you have on someone the easier it becomes to manipulate them. But I will save further speculation between the Web and the Eye or Extinction for another time. Most likely, this is a one off coincidence or situation. It could also be that this particular person just so happened to care about the Extinction. However, the book they are in possession of is an odd one. The cover art implies that it has to do with pollution and global warming but it is so faded that I cannot make out any other details. It was most likely a textbook. I managed to find a report of someone reading it from the Usher Foundation’s more recent records. According to that record and my client reading it does odd things to one’s perception of time. Both victims report that as they began to read it time seemed to flow around them faster and faster, even though they aged normally. It wasn’t obvious at first but they began to notice the world moving like a blur out of the corner of their eye. This process would not stop until they finished reading the book in its entirety. After they closed the book they were forced to reckon with the fact that about 20 years had passed and virtually everything and everyone they had known or loved was gone. Understandably, a lot of their knowledge seemed out of date but I’m not sure 100% if that was because of the leitner or not, because the book itself was reported to seem several decades out of date in terms of information. According to all the reports from the era these people who I suspect to have read the book simply vanished and were presumed dead. I managed to find the “librarian” and was able to find out that if the book is read within buildings built by Robert Smirke it allows one to control their own perception of time and/or that of others. Which is interesting since I wonder if Smirke’s architecture was built with the Extinction in mind. This investigation has yet to come to a full close so any new information I find will be reported immediately.

I have come across yet another leitner that I postulate is connected to the Extinction, considering its themes of evolution and the fact that it seems to be related to the fear of change. I suppose it is not impossible that it is related to the Stranger but I must remain extra vigilant and wary of this Extinction entity. The book I came across seems to be a copy of “On the Origin of Species” by Charles Darwin. According to the clients I’ve interviewed, there is a date on the first page of the book that is supposed to mark when it was written. Strangely this date is always a future date. Once someone reads the book this date will be set about a year in the future and will remain so for said person even if the date changes for others. It would appear that as the respective date draws closer and closer the reader will slowly begin to mutate into… something. On the date they see the transformation will be complete. What that thing is seems to vary depending on various factors but seems to help them overcome, or beat, their biggest fear(s) at the cost of becoming something monstrous and inhuman. Some are completely organic while others have had machinery merged with their form. Most will also lash out at anyone who knew them before their transformation. According to the statements I managed to gather before each client’s untimely transformation the book alternates between pictures and typed pages. With each writing corresponding to a picture of a species that has gone extinct or a speculative path of evolution for various currently existing species. I have yet to hear any mention of entries regarding lifeforms that currently exist but this book has only recently cropped up and more information is of course needed…

Upon further reflection, I have to wonder where one can precisely draws the line between what is and isn’t leitner. I mean books are an obvious but if there was some weird supernatural writing on a brick would that count? I am getting off topic, the stress must be getting to me. There has been another leitner discovered but in the form of a worn out newspaper. I have only managed to gather one statement from a single client in regards to it. The newspaper is made from a sort of yellowish paper that signifies it as something printed long ago. It is discolored by some sort of water damage but the words on the newspapers are perfectly legible despite some of the ink being smudged. The newspaper showed up on this client’s front porch and they mistakenly assumed it was that day's newspaper. They are old fashioned and in their 97s so they much prefer to read the newspaper over watching the news channels. However, it was quickly made apparent that the newspaper they received was several decades out of date. The headline had mention of the fire of Cuyahoga River in Ohio that was caused by the sheer amount of pollution in the river on June 22, 1969(Something that the client had apparently witnessed first hand) as well as the creation of the doomsday clock on another page. After reading it they also quickly realized that the newspaper had been delivered on the wrong day to begin with. They eventually threw it away but it appears the damage had already been done. Whenever someone turned on a radio or tv this client would suffer a piercing headache accompanied by the sound of static and what sounded like a radio beaming straight into their brain. It seemed no one else around them could hear it but it would always continue to play reports and announcements having to do with pollution, global warming, the doomsday clock, and the possible extinction of mankind. Overtime they even began to hear this broadcast in their dreams. This has obviously taken a toll on their mental state and they eventually came to me for an exorcism. Unfortunately, I am afraid fixing the problem isn’t that simple. Especially, since some would argue that the Extinction doesn’t even exist.

Other Artifacts

Yet another cursed object was brought to me for exorcism. But this one is of great interest to me because I believe it may be aligned with the Extinction. It is a big and old grandfather clock with rotten wood that should have crumpled to pieces under its weight centuries ago. I would advise wearing earbuds when dealing with this artifact as the clients I managed to find report that upon hearing the clocks ticking they would enter a panic, realizing that the clock was apparently counting down to the end of humanity. Likewise, the clock’s hands do not correspond to any particular time zone but rather the doomsday clock used to gauge how close the world is to a man-made global ecological disaster, with the clocks ticking getting louder and louder the closer it gets to midnight(and it has been very loud lately). Those who have heard the clock are plagued with dreams of skies choked with smoke and oceans of oil and plastic. However, more research will be needed if I wish to determine any other side effects and potential transformations/physical alterations to any of the inflicted. I have offered to act as an exorcist for several of the victims in order to keep a close eye on them.

My observations show that the Extinction seems to have an affinity for more modern and advanced technology than the other powers. That is not to say the other powers don’t often take advantage of the new worries and fears created by advancing technology, just a half week ago I dealt with a computer camera aligned with the Beholding. However, the Extinction seems to take this to another level. I imagine because it is related so closely to fears having to do with the future and artificial disasters that have been created and cultivated by mankind. In my eyes this is further reinforced by the most recent of those cursed artifacts I have come across. An odd computer given to me by a client for exorcism. Upon physically opening up the computer it quickly became apparent that there was something “living” within it. A disgusting burnt mound of flesh strewn about and fused with the computer’s innards. This fits with their report mentioning how the computer smelled burnt whenever it was turned on, and sometimes smoke would leak out of it. But of course, as you can guess traditional repairmen couldn’t seem to find the source of the issue. When this client attempted to use the computer it would bombard them with strange ads not belonging to any existing company or scam that I could find. These ads would detail global warming, pollution, and the extinction of man. It also constantly showed videos relating to all the things that could destroy Earth and/or the life that resided on it. Supernovas, asteroids, etc. The computer itself seems extraordinarily out of date and my client bought it because it was hilariously cheap. The client also reported that the computer would turn itself on at night and play distressing sounds. I found out that these sounds were numbers and binary that when properly translated detail extinct species and man-made disasters as well as the position of the hands of the doomsday clock. The client also began to have gruesome dreams in which the computer merged with his body. A fear that wasn’t helped by the bugs, animals, and plants in and near his house seeming to have had bits of machinery shoved into them by someone. Most of the animals were dead but some seemed to live in a painful existence. At one point while using the computer the client received a mysterious call from an unknown source despite not having Skype or Discord. Then, despite not having accepted the call, someone or something attempted to talk to him. The client of course refused to answer and attempted to destroy the computer but, considering he gave it to me, I can only imagine how that went.

Closing

Well there you have it, I hope you enjoyed my TMA speculations/predictions/hypothesis/fanfiction. Do you think the Extinction will show up in the Magnus Protocol, and if so how do you think it will usually manifest? If you have any ideas for any sort of Extinction avatar, creature, or artifact feel free to comment below.

hey gen!! i’d love to hear about what you’re currently working on writing wise, if you feel like sharing anything about your projects. i’ve been feeling a foggy kind of inspiration lately which has proven to be both exciting and indecipherable so far; any general thoughts / epiphanies regarding The Craft would be very welcome too. happy friday!

thank you for asking! so first off i am not a person whose advice on the Craft you should listen to, lol. i have never been very good at being organized or diligent about writing. i tend to get very excited from time to time and bang something out in a way that honestly surprises even me, and then retreat into low down despair when i do not have The Muse. this is probably not a good or healthy approach to anything, lol! much of this year was sort of a creative downtime for me and honestly i focused a lot of that into climbing. i am really glad that i have climbing as an outlet for a lot of stress and anxiety... it's something i find it much easier to be diligent about, and an interesting place to be creative and reckon with emotions and learn to handle fear and self-doubt and the human nature of yourself and others. rock climbing is definitely Not For Everybody but it has increasingly helped me understand that outdoor and/or athletic hobbies can truly enrich the lives of most people on earth and it's worth trying to find one if you don't already have one!

i think sometimes about this interview i read once with aldous harding where she said that for her the process of writing a particular song was being very still and holding seeds in your hand and waiting for a deer to approach you. because i haven't had a lot of creative energy lately i am being very gentle and still and allowing whatever wants to come up to my hand to happen which is why i now find myself writing something insane (60s music rpf...) but also why that insane thing is actually happening and feels good... this is all to say that i think this strategy can help with that foggy inspiration sometimes -- just allow whatever wants to come get the seeds out of your hand to come get the seeds out of your hand -- i know exactly that feeling and find it so interesting, for me it's almost a kind of anxiety that something is coming and you might get it or you might miss it!

when i finish this story (likely before the end of the year) i am going to try to write a short novel that my friend kate requested, a comedy of errors about various characters in a climbing club reckoning with various real estate wars and climate change. i owe her everything so i have to try! we'll see...

hello everyone, i hope you are all doing well today when you’re reading this!! as many of you may know, i took a few months break due to real life getting pretty hectic .  i decided on the break when it became obvious to me that i wasn’t logging into my blog for a positive escape anymore, i was forcing myself to be here because i felt like i had to. this pressure was placed on me BY ME, none of my mutuals/friends ever made me feel like i had no choice but to try to write, all the blame is on myself because in my brain i felt like i had to or i would be forgotten. when i eventually felt like i was mentally healthy and ready enough to come back, you guys proved me wrong and gave me such a warm welcome back which i am so grateful for. but as i feared, i did feel a change with my presence back on the dash.  and maybe i should have better prepared myself for it, because i do understand that 3+ months is a long stretch of time. 

which is what has lead me to sit down and write this as kind of a psa for everyone:  that i do understand that connections krissy( or eris )  may have had previously are pushed to the back burner due to my absence,  muse for threads i’ve had with many of you could be lost or dwindled very slim, or perhaps you just might feel genuinely different about the dynamics between your muse and krissy.  it’s the reality of this creative space, or any outlets of expression and art, that if it’s not continuously fueled or engaged in then motivation or inspiration for it will just lessen and lessen until muse for it is nearly gone. and you may have to put a little work into it, in order to regain it back. and i am willing to do that, because i have loved everything and all the dynamics i created with so many of you with krissy. 

( i would like to again say that i do not feel like my ships/dynamics are more important than others at all .  i promise there are no hard feelings whatsoever. )

thus the main reason for me going into a big spiel, is that if you do not wish to continue or that you wish to start over, please tell me. or if you wish to not restart anything with krissy at all, let me know so i’m not left in the dark wondering if i do try to interact IC.  in the long run, i am not a mind reader. 

this is an invitation to any and all of you that if there are things you would like to change, switch up or maybe even take away please come to me privately and let me know. i will also approach as many of you that i can, bc it isn’t fair for me to expect my writing partners to do all the work and i don’t expect that, but i hope that you also understand that i might not be able to get to everyone as quickly as i would like to. so i’d appreciate it, if you feel comfortable with it, to come to me first. my IMs and disco are always open to my mutuals.

I don't know if you're still taking asks for "not so nice" but if I can shoot it out there - fear, guilt and betrayal for Trystan and Carolina, please!

I am, but even if I weren't, for you anything, my dear Mads! Let's roll!

fear: What is your OC's greatest fear? What do they do when confronted with it? Are they open with their fear, or do they hide it away?

Carolina and Trystan's fears are very similar, so I'll address them together. Of course, there is the standard fear of losing each other or those who are closest to them. That goes without saying. It's a little amplified for them, given the tragic losses they've already endured in their pasts. But, for each of them, it goes beyond that. It's the fear of someone they love facing death and being unable to protect them. It's literally the stuff of their nightmares.

Trystan will forever feel he could have done more to protect Julianna; he makes peace with it, but it's always there. Likewise, Carolina feels she should have been able to protect, or at least save, her father. It's not realistic at all, but guilt and fear tend to be irrational. In her logical mind, she knows she wasn't there when it occurred, and she was a child, but the logical mind is not always in control.

We've seen them cope with such situations in canon, and they typically rise to the occasion, but sometimes there are flashbacks and crippling panic. Each has learned to cope with it, but it will always be under the surface. It's pretty well understood among those closest to them, so they don't hide it, but they don't like to talk about it or bring it to the forefront either.

guilt: What is your OC guilty about? How do they handle their guilt? Do they try to avoid guilt, or do they accept it?

It sort of ties back to the "fear" answer. Their greatest guilt comes from feeling that they couldn't save the people who meant the most to them.

Carolina channeled that guilt into action, following in her father's footsteps and becoming a detective. She felt that by putting "bad guys" away and protecting others, she was somehow making up for not being able to protect her father. It's not perfect, but it's a healthy approach, even if it is a huge burden to bear.

Prior to meeting Carolina, Trystan tended to cope with his guilt by numbing it. Escapism was key - parties, drinking, indulging in things that lessened the pain - but he learned very quickly that those were salves that only provided a brief reprieve. He was looking for a way to heal, and I believe becoming involved in the Hand of Mahra case gave him that outlet. Like Carolina, working actively to find the murderer and bring them to justice gave him a sense of purpose and a feeling of doing something for the better good. This led to many positive changes in our Prince.

I think both of them accept it but try to manage it. They know it won't be productive, and they know that neither of their lost loved ones would want them to carry that burden. So, they do their best, but scars that deep never fully heal. When the feelings come, they try to cope with them alone and lean on each other, if necessary, to get through.

betrayal: Has your OC ever been betrayed by someone they thought they could trust? Has your OC ever betrayed someone who trusted them?

Well, they sure have had betrayals in their lives. We don't even have to go beyond canon for that. I'll concentrate on Carolina being betrayed by those in the NYPD and Trystan by his own family... time and again.

While Carolina's betrayal may not seem as severe - because it's not family - it was still painful. Police are supposed to be a brotherhood/sisterhood, and given her family's legacy, it's not what she had expected. That would have led to shock and disappointment, which is not easy to rebound from.

Sadly, Trystan grew up expecting betrayal from his family; the Thornes are not known for familial love or loyalty, but even he was astonished by how deep the betrayal went. First, when they allowed him to take the fall for Juliana's death and exiled him, then calling him back and trying him, and let's not even get into Vasili. Even though our boy knew he was living among vipers, he had no idea how bad it could get. He is quite happy to be back in New York and distancing himself from most of his family.

As to their betraying others, I think Trystan grappled with guilt that he had betrayed his entire nation. I don't think he let that go until he was about to be King, standing in front of everyone when he realized he was not doing Drakovia any favors by remaining if that's not where his heart was. But given the fact that he was brought up from birth to serve the nation, it took a lot for him to feel like it wasn't a total betrayal.

Carolina has not betrayed anyone to any great degree. Perhaps letting a little secret out - especially when she was younger - but nothing major. However, some of her former lovers will go to their grave insisting she betrayed them - even though she did not. Carolina is demiro, and Trystan is her first truly committed romantic relationship. She had relationship-ish things in the past, but she never ever viewed them as serious, romantic, or committed. She never promised anyone fidelity, but people believe what they want and some assumed they were more than they were. Is Carolina completely innocent here? No. Her communication skills were not always the best. Since the topic made her uncomfortable, she tended to evade it, so she's not without fault; but the truth is, she never broke promises because she never made them to begin with.

Thanks so much for the asks, Mads!

Monroe boys headcanons, with some canon facts to have all my thoughts about them in one place:

Trent: born in 2008; green-eyed and has Gerald’s curly hair; Linda’s least favourite; is learning her arrogance, intimidating charisma, boldness, ruthlessness, cynicism, ambition and desperate need for validation, which is exactly why she doesn’t like him, their relationship similar to her and Roman’s relationship when she was younger; easily bored; the worst-behaved at home; popular at school through fear and force of personality; resents all his brothers for having more of their mother’s favour than him, River most of all, whose ‘weakness’ he despises because it reminds him of the parts of himself he’s determined to extinguish; acts like an angel in front of and sucks up to adults besides his parents, partly out of pragmatism, partly out of hunger for approval that he refuses to seek from his ‘inferior’ fellow kids; skilled at tennis, badminton and archery: favourite colour is red

Seaton: born in 2009; not Gerald’s; brown-eyed; follows Trent’s lead and emulates him, having always been in his shadow; his submissiveness in that context belies a more patient, scheming, manipulative, vindictive cruel streak of his own that he saves for personal vendettas and small-scale harassment used as an outlet for his anger and dissatisfaction, happy to leave the bigger picture dominance to Trent and turn being underestimated in comparison into an advantage; the best at effective verbal abuse; prides himself on his social and strategic cleverness and envies Jordan’s academic and intellectual intelligence; secretly ashamed that he doesn’t do quite as well in his classes and feels the need to cheat to try to get perfect grades and make his parents proud; loves animals, especially horses, foxes and dogs, does horse riding and really wants a pet dog (Roman keeps trying to get him into pigs, to no avail); favourite colour is purple

Jordan: born in 2011; not Gerald’s; blue-eyed; the closest to Gerald, often found talking to him about plastic surgery; interested in science, mathematics, fashion and cosmetics; very intelligent and an excellent student, hence Linda’s second favourite; quiet, withdrawn and reflective, has learned to internalize his feelings to not inconvenience his parents and lose their love; the second most ambitious after Trent, but channels it into academic pursuits; joins his older brothers in bullying River only because they’ll turn on him otherwise for his sensitive and nerdy sides, and sometimes do anyway when River isn’t around; however, lacks internal malice (‘strength’ in his family) and is self-aware of this supposed deficit, so keeps himself useful to Trent and Seaton by giving them backup and ideas to be powerful and respected and torment people that he, at least independently, would never have the heart to act on; favourite colour is blue

River: born in 2014; brown-eyed; Linda’s favourite; kind and open thanks to his guileless innocence and being the happiest; the only one with genuine friends; though also spoiled and can be unthinkingly, accidentally insensitive to others’ feelings; creative and imaginative; loves cartoons, musicals and art, his drawings actually talented for his age and all over the Monroes’ fridge; favourite colour is green

In conclusion, they all need therapy and a healthy home environment. A theme with the older three, the eldest two most of all, is that they’ve been led to believe that love is fundamentally conditional. So River being showered in it when he ‘hasn’t done anything’ feels infuriatingly unjust and hypocritical of their parents. Somebody direct Duke Keane to the Monroes. Linda and Gerald may love each other, but they clearly aren’t good parents. I hope in one of the infinite timelines this family has a serious intervention and the boys get to grow up with good role models. They’re kids, guys, they deserve the chance to change.

And yes, Seaton is in Tim’s class (they hate each other).

I was never the "keep the doll by/on the desk" sort of collector before, but I've changed that recently due to my current work situation. I work for a gender services clinic that is being targeted by a group of disgusting bigots. They started with online posts, to angry calls and have now stepped up to death threats. As one of the two who takes calls for the clinic we are the ones who take the brunt of these interactions. Let me say, I love my job and I love supporting my community. These feelings will never change, but I'm not gonna act like this situation isn't scary and stressful. I'm really glad that not only do I work from home, but I can keep a doll beside me now. It doesn't ease everything, but having something I can pick up and interact with as I decompress from a call filled with hate, lies and threats is something. This whole thing has actually encouraged a lot more interaction within the hobby in. I hate that this situation exists and is what pushed this level of motivation, but I'm glad I have this option to work all this stress out. I think if I didn't have it I would spend a lot more time obsessing over the fear and the anger. Even thinking about the things I've heard makes my blood boil, so having this healthy outlet has really saved me. It is a really crucial part of my life right now. These dolls always have been important to me, but they just became that much more in the last few months.

On a personal note/my tangent corner: We should not allow discrimination to exist within our community. Keep revealing these vermin. Keep shaming these living piles of trash. Keep making them feel uncomfortable. They should not feel safe here. They should not feel welcomed in our community.

And lastly, I am proud of every person who calls out a terf, a homophobe or any other bigot within our community. You have my support and my appreciation as you're fighting the good fight. So please, keep it up and thank you.

~Anonymous

Risen from the Dead

Hello all! I stumbled upon this old Tumblr page during a moment where I have felt a rekindling for the FFXV fandom. I absolutely love this game and these characters! I fear that it's slowly dying!

With that being said, I will try to contribute more to this account and fandom! I've been writing so much and forgot I have this to share my work! So I'll try to post here some more! I've also noticed that I have asks that I never had seen, so I will get to those as well!

Life has changed significantly for all of us, and I know the world needs more positivity. I would like to help in anyway I can! So feel free to ask me for special writing requests and I will be sure to get to them! I use this game as an outlet for my stress, depression and every other problem I face. And I know many others use this game as an escape as well— and like everyone, I've always craved more. More of the boys, more story, backstory, in depth exploration of our characters and so much more! I hope to deliver this with a series of my writing.

I absolutely love Ignis, so most of my work is geared towards him and exploring everything about him! But I can write for just about anyone! Whatever you want, I will try to deliver!

I'm sorry for the 5 year hiatus— but I'm back, and ready to give this a shot again!

Stay safe and stay healthy! Welcome back to FFXV hell, With your host— Rosie!

Writing about Raki/ Raeder because I have writer’s block for B&R and I wanna write about them!

Raph and Saki love to spar together. Because of Raph’s unpredictability, you just can’t tell what he’s going to do before he does it, and after figuring out how Rockwell’s foresight worked, he thinks about the first thing that comes to mind when he is fighting. (Usually it’s a random made-up song that popped into his head). Saki finds his unpredictability interesting, and he sees fighting Raph as a challenge. Raphael loves the fact that Saki doesn’t go down easy, and Saki’s lasted the longest compared to anyone else he’s sparred against.

Saki’s fighting style is adaptable. If he makes the first move it’s to calculate his opponent’s reaction times and movement style. If he doesn’t, it’s to understand his opponent’s offensive patterns. Raph can change what he’s going to do in a split-second, and Saki needs to be even quicker than that to be able to either land a hit or dodge one.

When they fight together, they are unstoppable. Raph is a tank who is 50% bullet proof who hits like a freight train with the speed of a bullet train. Saki (being smaller in B&R) uses him as a shield when they are facing gunmen, and can use Raph as an excellent obstacle to put some distance between him and someone else. They work with each other’s blind spots. They stay close to each other, sometimes holding hands, and only separate to keep themselves from being surrounded. Raph’s biggest blind spot is his back, as he has a giant genetic bullet-proof hidey-hole on his back, and Saki does a great job in covering it. As I’ve mentioned, Saki’s weakest point is on his right side. Raph has started to keep on Saki’s right side after they had some story time about each of their scars.

Communication is important. It’s no secret that Raph in my series has been neglected. He gets left out of things, or told he wouldn’t understand things if he wasn’t. This is one of the many ways to get Raph angry, simply because it reminds him of how alone he felt after the dog attack.

Saki, meanwhile, is trust issues with legs. People lie to him constantly because they thought - especially when he was starting out as leader of the Footclan - he was incompetent. The Hamato Clan preferred using their fists instead of their words with him when he was a boy, and being left out of the loop makes him simply explode.

Raph and Saki have both agreed that even the smallest detail when it comes to something that may be troubling them or even remotely concerns the other will be stated and talked through. They have both been lied to, and they don’t want any grief to come in this relationship.

Coping mechanisms. I won’t say much here because I want to talk through this in TMNT: TM&TW, but they both have developed bad coping mechanisms for when they get angry or stressed or scared. In an, I suppose, ironic way, Raph and Saki are each other’s saviours. They both have life-changing trauma and tempers that could evaporate the sun, and they didn’t know how to get many healthy outlets for it. Raph’s only healthy outlets were knitting and singing, both he had to suppress and hide around his brothers for fear of being caught whilst doing it and being teased. Saki’s was beating the shit out of the punching bag in his quarters, or drawing (more on that in later chapters) but he never really had time for either because he constantly filled his days with work work work.

They also are suckers for the romantic stuff in my opinion, although they would rather bury themselves alive than admit it.

hi vic! i’m sorry to bother you with this, and you’re absolutely free to not answer, but how does it get better? does it ever? i’ve been feeling stuck for so long i genuinely don’t know what to do anymore. feels like i’ve tried everything - therapy, just cleansing, trying to change my mindset, new habits, etc., and i just still feel not enough. profoundly worthless and stupid, always working and hoping to no avail. and i know where it stems from, but does it really matter? i’m so lonely anyway. i can’t stand myself. it’s like i can’t stop hating myself no matter how hard i try. i just feel so unlovable and dumb, i’m feeling so bitter it scares me and i really don’t wanna try anymore. i’m exhausted, i just wanna give up now

there are so many ways it can get better, with practice, with release, with love, with time, with healing, with freedom, with fun, with dedication, with boundaries, with nourishment, with rest, and on and on and on.

the mind likes to confirm to itself what it thinks it already knows, and if it thinks it's tried all there is to try, done all there is to do, then it'll block out any evidence to the contrary, it will miss the outstretched hands of help that can be found not just attached to people.

what is your deepest wound? maybe, likely, there's more than one.

what does it mean for you to be good enough? who do you need to be good enough for? and when did those people make you feel as if you weren't?

the thing with a wound centered around not being good enough is that it goes so much deeper than self worth or love, on a physical level our bodies have evolved to seek belonging for survival. and when we are faced with the threat of being expelled from our flock, our body recognizes this as a threat to our survival. no group, no food, no protection, no life. this wound is even deeper when it comes from those who raise us, to a small child their parents are their world, they sustain them; without them they cease to exist.

so when you say you don't feel good enough, what may go unnoticed is that there's also a deep fear of not being able to survive, of imminent death stuck in your body with no outlet. this creates pain.

what do you think makes someone worthy? and of what? is this quality actually important to you, or has it just been instilled in you that it is. why do you think that you're dumb and stupid? what do you need to know about that you don't? and why do you need to know it? what or who do you think someone needs to be to loved? is this healthy or is this a result of trauma? examine these beliefs.

what kind of therapy have you received? there's a huge difference in effect when it comes to talk therapy or body-based therapy. has the stuck pain in your body received an outlet? love? or do you simply understand why it's there? understanding alone is not healing. what kind of cleansing have you done? has it followed deep acceptance or has it been bypassing of the parts in you that really need to be given space and care before you tell them to leave? does your bodily states match your desired mindset? has it healed from its trauma? if not it is very difficult to sustain a new mindset. what kind of habits? and why are they not sustainable?

if you want to give up, then give up on what pains you. all of these expectations that might not even be authentic to you in the first place; in fact they aren't, because what is authentic to you does not suffocate you. give up on fulfilling other people's needs

Grief

My first poem was written back in middleschool

Back when life was a larger being sitting on my chest.

Chests full of paperclips, pencils sharp as a knife

Crumpled bits of paper lamenting my tiny life

I wrote my first poem. Attention all I wanted,

About a miserable masquerade and how my facade was disregarded.

Dancing in a ball with all the participants wearing masks,

Mine starting to crack, writing to avoid relapse.

Showed it to everyone I knew, hoping they'd see through

Tell me I did good and provide the comfort I craved.

I don't remember what happened next, or really even how they responded.

All I know is that that's how it all started.

.

Songs, journals, stories and poems.

Notes app graveyard discussing oncoming doom.

Burning and smoke, echo and choke

Broken into shards and hands reaching for the stars

All these motifs I use even to this day,

I wish I could be more creative, find other ways to convey

My thoughts, my experiences, all my pain and strife.

My emotions trapped between lines of code and flesh.

Even to this day it's rare that it's happy, what my poems have to say.

.

My Miserable Masquerade, my first healthy outlet

It's been a journey since then, and oh how I've strayed.

Frenzied tapping of fingers against glass screen

My way of a 3 am silent tormenting scream.

I'd write 10 poems a day, then not write for years.

I'm still like that, always suprised when I find it can help ease the tears

Yet still stressed over how to rules my writing rarely adheres.

I fear judgment from others, how they might say what I write is obscene.

That's really fucking stupid though, nobody ever said the language of poetry can't be extreme.

I guess I've still got those 6th grade lessons stuck in my head,

How cursing's a sign of idiocy, my teachers would have said.

.

However that's not what the main idea of this is supposed to be.

(I always have a hard time staying on topic)

.

From 7th to 10th grade, I wrote over 200 poems in quickmemo on my first device.

My only way of remembering what the horrors of youth had forced me to forget.

Come 2020 my father lost his job. We had to switch plans, and with that our phones.

I always said I'd transfer them, but I never really did.

Two years later I found that device cracked, dusty and dead.

It's my own fault really, I was too busy to bother.

Still, I lost a huge piece of my history, a huge piece of what was supposedly me when I was younger.

I managed to save one, the one most important.

Or at least to the best of my knowledge it is, I wouldn't know,

I'm ashamed to say that almost all of them I've forgotten.

At poem 100 is when the dream first formed,

My childhood desire to write my own book, to become an author.

To see to others what my poems had to offer.

Just as I began, i realized i wanted to be seen.

To hear others read my words, and say to themselves, "That's me!"

That's what I said at least, and a piece of that was really the truth.

In actuality I still wanted someone to read my words and see that that's what was truely me.

.

I'm not that way now, or at least that's what I claim.

Whatever helps me sleep at night I guess.

Lying awake all that's left to try is to lie to myself.

That a piece of me isn't missing,

That I haven't lost all sense of former self.

My memory's a colour gradient with a dark hole in the center.

("Oooh how edgy!" Trust me I know.)

No bridging the gap between the person I was born as to who I am now.

We are two separate people, though my older poems suggest even more.

I am always new and ever-changing,

left disconnected from this experience of life without that record to keep me on track.

This life isn't as crushing as the first, I don't feel that weight on my chest anymore.

Though to the chest of my old emotions a key I now lack.

I'm free, I'm a passing breeze. Yellows and golds and finally at ease.

.

I still feel the weight whenever I think too hard about who I used to be.

That chest is locked at the bottom of the abyss.

That doesn't mean I cant feel it rattling, it doesnt mean it no longer exists.

Withheld from me is another person's grief.

Lost with the 200 poems, all except for the first one detailing my fractured selves,

I lie awake at night left in an attempt of lying to myself.

Pretending I'm whole, pretending that there's no gaping hole.

Pretending that even if there is, it's okay because I can always write more poems.