#this friendship breakup has cut me deep | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thinkingaboutjaedyn · 1 month

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ex [a.bonmati x reader]

prompt: aitana pushes you away after the break-up, but you want to be more than just past lovers.

author notes: a full fledged fic? who would have thought 🙇🏽‍♀️ anyways this fic is angsty, but i swear it's not anything toxic. enjoy it 💕

playing ex by kiana lede 🎵

hey, hm

we went from 2 am calls to

zero communication, yeah

we spent too long in heaven that

we felt the elevation

just 'cause it's different and

we're not the same

doesn't mean things have to change

i got no trouble with my pride,

got trouble cutting ties

friendship breakups are bone-crushing, worse than actual relationship breakups most of the time. if you knew the moment aitana left out of your place that day meant to the end of a years long friendship, maybe you would have figured it out. aitana was a constant figure in your life since you were only eleven. with you both playing at a youth academy a friendship was bound to emerge and that it did. the spainard should became one of your closest friends as the years went by.

by your late teens, she was basically a part of your family. coming over to your family home almost everyday and even staying overnight when it was too late to make the trip back home. you two watched each other change from awkward eleven year olds to established adults. the bond between you two was special; aitana always said so. you were her bestfriend, her soulmate, practically the love of her life. eventually that deep friendship blurred into something more, but the short spainard didn't address how intimate the friendship has gotten by the time you were both twenty-two, so you didn't either. what's the point of ruining a good thing over feelings you don't even know are repiocated?

when you went overseas to the wsl, aitana was heartbroken. she was planning on confessing to you right on your twenty-third birthday, but no, you just had to take a different direction in your career.

the night before you had to leave for manchester, you and aitana were sitting on the beach. side by side. shoulder to shoulder. it's around nine pm, so time was ticking by. you would have to head home soon to get a good amount of rest for your morning flight and by the silence between aitana and you, she didn't like that fact.

"why are you leaving?" she breaks the silence, mumbling. her head leans over to rest against yours. the question sounds so sad coming from her lips that you almost want to tell you that no, you weren't leaving. weren't leaving barcelona. weren't leaving her. but you couldn't so you just sigh.

"i want to try something new. you know, see a new style of football," you try to explain but the words don't sound that convincing. you didn't add in how you wanted to get away from aitana so you could settle your feelings. you didn't add in the fact your contract was only for a year and a few months, not even the media mentioned the length of your contract with manchester city.

"you can try new things here, no?" aitana leans away before turning her head to look at you. her eyebrows are furrowed; showing the slight annoyance in her mood. "barcelona has been trying new things, so why won't you stay?" she says, no, nearly begs to know.

you interlock your hands with hers. giving them a gentle squeeze before saying, "i swear i want to stay. i would never want to be apart from you, but it's not just that.."

"then what is it? i'll try to fix it, i'll help you fix it. just tell me and we can figure it out. we always do," her eyes glance into yours. the sad pout on her lips makes you want to just cancel your flight and stay here in spain, but you can't so you just pull her into a hug. the tears start to flow from her the moment aitana stuffs her face into your neck. "it feels like i have never been without you.." she cried into your skin. you fight your own tears, rubbing her back gently.

some may say that display of emotion was dramatic, but they just didn't understand how deep you and aitana's friendship went. you two spent nearly every moment together, off the field and on the field. without each other to be physically around all the time, who would fill that empty spot in you two's lives now?

maybe aitana would react to the news better if you confessed your feelings then, but it was too late to even try to in the moment. you just let her cry as you comfort her. inviting her over to your place afterwards to spend one last night together.

when you did come back to barcelona after your contract with manchester city ended, aitana cried again in your arms. this time out of happiness instead of sadness. the spainard became determined to keep you in spain for the rest of your career; she couldn't deal with just facetimes and texts anymore.

the rest of the barcleona team welcomed you back with open arms. teasing you about how you better not leave home ever again. you didn't ever plan to anyway, so you would just joke back.

your plan to leave spain and get over your feelings for aitana was an absolute fail. everytime you heard her voice over the phone your feelings just got bigger. you would rather endlessly want more with her than be away from aitana any longer.

you slip right back into your role in the team and in aitana's life. going over her house after practice everyday, cuddling while watching movies, becoming a great duo on the pitch again, and all the other stuff you two always do. your feelings were still there but you always pushed them away. not wanting to ruin a good thing. you had just got your best friend back.

fast forward to aitana's twenty fifth birthday. the short spainard had a large dinner with her family and her barcelona teammates. afterwards, it was her and you, a little tipsy on the balcony of her apartment. she was getting horribly handsy, but it didn't bother you. people in spain are just naturally affectionate and this was also your bestfriend, your aitana. she could touch you however she liked. it wasn't until she pulled away from you, but not too far, her hands holding onto your hips.

"y/n.." she says softly. looking up at you with a nervous look in her eyes. your heart races at not only how beautiful she looks in that moment, but also the nervousness in her eyes; aitana is never nervous around you. she doesn't have to. you are her bestfriend, her y/n, her rock. she can be whatever she wants around you. however she wants.

"what is it?" you whisper out, moving your hand to push some of her hair behind her right ear. she leans in closer. eyes a little dazed from the wine she drank earlier.

"i like you.. a lot. no, i love you a lot," she says. you chuckle before saying, "of course you do. what would you do without me." your heart races so fast hearing her speak. her words carry a different tone than before when she usually says those three words. why did it feel different now?

aitana pouts before furrowing her brows. obviously annoyed you haven't caught on to the different meaning behind her words. this i love you wasn't the same one she first said back when she was thirteen, when she realized she wanted you to stay around in her life forever as her best friend. this was more than that. "no.. i love you. i just want to kiss you.." she says.

you widen your eyes before smiling. aitana actually returned your feelings? before you can fully react she pulls you into a kiss. too impatient to hear your verbal response. the kiss is pretty messy with aitana being drunker than you, but still you savor it. your first kiss with aitana is worth remembering.

when she pulls away she pouts away, "i didn't ask you if you liked me back or if you even wanted a kiss." you giggle and peck the pout off of her lips, "of course i like you back."

after that you two got together. your relationship didn't feel that different though, just with more kisses and more than before. whenever you got jealous you actually had the right to act on it. there were many perks that came along with being consider aitana's girlfriend rather than just her best friend. however there were some setbacks as well.

you realized people were right when they said just because someone is a good friend, doesn't mean they would be a good girlfriend. not to say aitana was a bad girlfriend, but she struggled to understand why you would get jealous when she would be incredibly touchy with others. she didn't want to reveal your relationship to the public, perfectly fine with only the people in you two's personal life knowing about the change between you. which wasn't so bad until you see how many people think she's dating someone else and have to fight the urge to post about how she's yours. she was the worse at arguments. quicker to do the silent treatment than to try to work anything out. it was a bad habit from your friendship that you knew she had and just dealt with because she was your bestfriend, you knew how to get around it, but in a relationship with her you didn't want to. you wanted to communicate like a healthy couple should.

everything came to a head a few days after your twenty-sixth birthday. almost a year after aitana confessed to you.

the barcelona team have dragged you out for a good time in the club since your birthday was on a match-day, meaning you couldn't go out like you wanted to. aitana was clinging to you the entire night until she was swept away by some blonde stranger.

you were sipping on your drink, a glare directed right at the blonde whose hands were on your girlfriend as they danced. why did you let her pull aitana away again? because your feet were hurting? yeah well now your heart was. when you finally had enough at the sight of that stranger moving her hands down from aitana's waist to her hips, you pull her away. ignoring the spainard's complaints as you pull her all the way outside. quick to take your jacket off to make sure she didn't feel cold in the paris winds; you may be annoyed at her, but you still love her.

"why were you letting her be all over you?" you want to shout badly, but instead just talk calmly. not wanting to draw attention to the fact two barcelona players were outside about to argue.

"it was just a dance, amor."

"it wasn't just a dance. she obviously wants you," you grab onto her arm, holding in a soft grip before saying, "why can't you act like you have a girl? that you aren't single."

aitana frowns hearing your words. where was this coming from? she quickly tries to deny your statement, "i do. it was never going to go further than dancing."

"that was already too far."

"then why didn't you say anything?"

"why should i have to? you should know that nobody would be fine with some woman dancing with their girlfriend like that!" you say in a hushed tone. pulling aitana closer so that nobody would hear the conversation between you two. the confused look on aitana's face makes your heart hurt. why didn't you communicate your feelings? you always hated how she goes straight to silent treatment, but you go straight to being angry every single time.

"you have never been angry about this before," she replies. fighting the instinct in her to just shut down and go back into the club. she can't even if she wanted to with you holding onto her.

"before what? before this situation or before we got together? i'm not just your bestfriend anymore, i'm your girlfriend, act like it!" you finally let out all the frustration from previous times where aitana just didn't get it. aitana glares at you before shaking her head. "don't tell me what to do. don't yell at me! yes, you're my girlfriend and i'm yours but you don't control me. i'm an adult, so treat me like it!" she argued back. pulling herself out of your grasp harshly before rushing back into the club. leaving you by herself outside.

aitana ignored you for nearly two days. it felt like a year with no texts from her, no calls her, and her refusing to hang out with all the other barcleona players who went to brunch right after the night at the club. even when you all went on the plane to head back to spain, she sat next to alexia. sleeping the entire flight away and being the first to get off. you knew you screwed up and it was your entire fault for her behavior even if it wasn't the healthiest. you should have communicated better even with your frustration.

finally when the silence all got too much, you went over to aitana's apartment. it only takes two knocks for aitana to open up. she sighs once she sees it's you, but doesn't turn you away. instead letting you inside silently. walking over to her couch while you slip your shoes off at the door. your eyes noticing your jacket from the night at the club hanging on a hook near the door.

"aitana.." you move over to the couch, sitting beside her with some space left between you two. she scoots closer which is a good sign that the anger from before isn't still present, but still the silence made you nervous.

"aitan-" you don't get to finish your sentence before aitana speaks. "i'm sorry.." she says with her head down, "i get what you were saying that night. i shouldn't had let her just be all over me and at the time i didn't understand, but after thinking about it, you're right. i'm so used to thinking about you as my bestfriend rather than my girlfriend that i overstep."

the genuine regret in her voice makes you want to reconsider the reason you came over here; to break up with aitana. it has been on your mind for a while now, but that day in paris was just the last push you needed to go through with it. that's not the only reason you're here though. you wanted to come check up on aitana and make sure your words didn't hurt her too deeply, you still love her but it feels like you're slowly falling out of love with her.

"aitana, listen. i love you, okay?" you smile when she lifts her head up. a happy look on her face as she listens to you. "it's just.. i don't think we were meant to be more than best friends. you're my world i swear and i love you but not like this.. anymore," aitana's face immediately drops after you finish speaking.

when she saw you at her door she thought, yes, i could fix it but instead this visit is just the death to the relationship she's been craving from you for a while now.

"so you want to break up? why..?" aitana's voice cracks, "why are you leaving me again? i don't get it."

tears start to flow from her eyes before she could stop them. this break up reminds her of when you left for manchester; she felt like she lost you. now she's losing you again.

you sit there awkwardly, not knowing what to say. seeing aitana cry makes you cry as well. you pull her into a hug that she accepts quickly; even when you're breaking her heart, she clings to you. as her bestfriend you have always been her source of comfort, but now you're her source of pain as well. a condiaction that she's not willing to think about.

for the rest of the night, aitana clings to you. not allowing you to do anything without her by your side and eventually you two fall asleep in her bed. with her face nuzzled into your neck, her arms wrapped around your waist, her legs tangled with yours.

the next day you didn't leave her apartment until three in the afternoon. aitana almost begged you to stay, but she just lets you leave. she loves so much that she will respect your choices and if that means breaking up than she will respect that.

after the break-up, it's like aitana continued on the silent treatment. hardly replying to your texts or answering your calls, she stopped sitting by you everywhere, no more cracking jokes while in the locker room, she just disappeared from your life. it was just like when you left for manchester expect that she didn't try to stay connected.

and you understand why, you would never hate her for it. she's trying to get over you and can't do that if you two are acting like the closest people ever but still it hurts. hurts so bad. you have never been without aitana since you were eleven years old. she was always there, being her cute self. and now she's gone; it feels like your world is collapsing.

you may have broken up with aitana, but you still love her. you're just not in love with her.

you want your best friend back.

i don't wanna be your ex

we way too good at being friends

can we still hangout

on the low, get wild

i don't wanna be your,

i don't wanna be your

hit ya girl up with a text,

when you're alone and feeling stressed

i don't gotta be in love with you, to love you

i don't wanna be your, so

don't treat me like your

e-e-e-e, e-e-ex

i don't want to be your

e-e-e-e, e-e-ex

without aitana, you felt lonely. you have tons of friends outside of aitana of course. you're close with all of your fellow barcelona teammates and have made a reputation of being friends with many other women footballers. then there are your childhood friends from your schooldays that you cherish with your entire spirit. but none of them could compare to aitana. she has been and still is your number one.

all those nights where you held eachother, the daily ice cream trips you two would go on, the endless movie nights could never be replaced by anyone else. it just wasn't the same.

the rest of the barcelona team realized you two broke up as the days went past. when aitana who would usually jump up at the first opportunity to pair up with you for training exercises instead choose to pair up with ona, everyone knew something was up. their suspicions were confirmed when you left before aitana. unlike before when aitana and you would leave together, either going to get food together or going home together.

nobody wanted to be one to ask the question they knew the answer to, so everyone acted like everything was fine. aitana and you still connected on the pitch, but off of it that connection was dead and cold.

aitana wasn't doing any better than you mentally. she felt alone, even when she was hanging out with alexia or ingrid. her mind always drifted back to you, but the hurt you caused to her heart makes her want to resent you. to punish you for leaving her. she's know this is unreasonable, childish, and partially true because you love her.

aitana knows you love her dearly, she can see it in your eyes but it isn't the love she holds for you. it's just as deep, just as intimate, just as special but not romantic anymore and that kills her.

her own romantic feelings were slowly fading though and the yearning for you was getting stronger. not as her girlfriend, but as her bestfriend. she's used to waking up to either you cuddling her or a text from you saying good morning. now she has neither, she hates that. she wants you, but feels too stubborn to do it just yet.

whenever aitana felt down, she would go through you two's messages. her mood getting better just thinking about all the moments attached to the texts. she scrolls through her photos of you, trying not to just call you and hear your voice. she craves you deeply, but won't let you know.

a month passed then two then three.

aitana ignoring you was becoming old. you want to be back in her life, you need to be. she's your soulmate; has been since you were both eleven. a life without her doesn't sound right, so you become determined to make her come back to your arms. seeing aitana be so loving to everyone else while giving you the cold shoulder was incredibly annoying and heartbreaking.

you aren't sure on how to get aitana to pay attention to you. she seemed set on ignoring you for the rest of you two's careers, but you weren't going to allow that.

one day you just decide to take a leap of fate by calling her. the phone rings for so long you almost think she isn't going to answer, but she does. aitana doesn't say a thing, but you can tell she's on the other line. her breathing clear as day.

"tana..?" you say softly, slightly nervous. it feels strange to feel nervous when talking to aitana. it reminds you of the first time you two met as children. feeling too shy to speak to the talented eleven year old that was aitana. she took the first step by handing you a freezepop after practice one day, scooting closer to you before eating her one. you felt it in your spirit that she was made to be your bestfriend then.

"yeah?" she replies. her tone not being venomous like you thought it would be.

"can we hang out or just talk? i miss your voice.."

"but you hear my voice everyday, no?" aitana jokes. you roll your eyes at quick she is to make the conversation light, but it's an endearing trait you love about her. quickly she gets more serious, "why? why would you want to be around your ex?"

you groan at hearing the word ex escape her mouth. in your mind that small relationship was just a chapter in your friendship with aitana, not anything that holds any impact. you want her to think of you as her best friend, not her ex.

"because you aren't just my ex, aitana. you're my best friend and i can't stand another day without spending time with you," you say. aitana goes silent on the other line. her silence makes you frown; was she going to grow angry that you aren't fully acknowledging the fact the feelings between you two were very much real?

it takes a minute but aitana eventually says, "i miss you too. can i come see you..?"

the smile on your lips was probably the warmest you have ever smiled. "yeah. let's meet at that ice cream shop, you know, the one we always go to," you say. aitana hastily agrees before hanging up.

you couldn't wait to see her.

let's skip the awkward run-ins, or

pretending like we're strangers

and get back to how we started, yeah

don't pour water on fire

just 'cause it's different and we're not the same

doesn't mean things have to change

i got no trouble with my pride,

got trouble cutting ties

seeing the familiar ice cream shop that aitana and you have been regulars at since you were eleven brings back the best memories. the first time you two became super close, the first time aitana comforted you, the first time you and aitana considered eachother bestfriends. it all rushes back as you walk through that simple white door where the paint has been peeling off for years now, but nobody ever fixes it.

you arrive twenty minutes before aitana is supposed to meet you here, wanting to have some time to breathe and figure out what to say. this would be the first time talking face to face where you weren't saying soccer related things in three months.

"been missing you," the old lady behind the counter, esperanza, says. she's been here since forever. you don't remember a moment where she wasn't working the counter. she knew all of you and aitana's favorites.

"missed you more. sorry for not coming around as much," you say. happily accepting the vanilla ice cream she hands you. esperanza doesn't let you pay, saying it's on the house since she's been missing you.

"it's okay. where is your little friend?" she questions. you just shrug before shaking your head, "she's coming. she would never miss seeing you."

esperanza chuckles at that before gesturing for you to go sit down, so your ice cream wouldn't melt. you sit at one of the tables near the window. the shop wasn't huge, but it was homey. with various decorations that have been up since you first came here. everything was same it felt like expect for the relationship between aitana and you. the rest of your lives seem to be frozen in time while the friendship between you two was speeding past.

you look out the window, thinking about what to say. would aitana even show? hopefully, she isn't the type to just blow someone off even when angry. she cares about others time. your question is answered when aitana passes by the window before coming through the door.

"hi esperanza! i have missed you, you know," she says with a huge smile on her face. not even noticing you near the window as she comes over to the counter. it isn't until she finishes her conversation with esperanza and gets her strawberry flavored ice cream before she spots you. turning to see you at the window. the way her body tenses makes you cringe; is this how everything is going to be for now on?

you stand, half eaten ice cream in hand, and walk out of the shop. why were you moving away from her like she's some stranger? you couldn't help yourself, seeing her stand there awkwardly makes you want to scream. however you don't go far. sitting down on the pavement in front of the shop; this street doesn't allow cars and it wasn't really busy on thursdays, so there was no one to bother you or spot a top footballer sitting outside of some quaint ice cream shop.

aitana is still standing in the shop. frowning as she looks out the window and see you just sitting there on the pavement, like you always do when it's too hot to stay inside of the shop, but you weren't out there because of the heat this time around. it was because of her.

she didn't mean to just fall silent once she saw you. aitana had so much to say, but hardly the words to express it. seeing esperanza than you seriously brighten up her day that she froze up a bit. hopefully you won't shut her out.

"go talk to her. she misses you," esperanza says, leaning against the counter. before aitana can question her words, esperanza says, "i'm an old woman. i know these things. do you know how many people come in and out of here with love stories? she loves you. talk to her and make whatever this is right. you guys almost made my shop chillier than the ice cream."

esperanza's words make aitana really realize she wants to make this right. her feelings for you were still lingering in her mind, but she could care less; she needs to talk to you.

aitana walks out of the ice cream shop. sitting down right next to you on the pavement, shoulder to shoulder. your ice cream is completely gone by now, aitana takes that as an opportunity to start up a conversation. "you just couldn't wait?" she jokes, gesturing to your hand that had a lack of an ice cream cone in it.

you look at her in confusion before giggling loudly. "not my fault that you are such a slow eater," you joke back. pointing to her strawberry ice cream that was half melted by now. aitana tries to eat the rest of her ice cream quickly, but that doesn't really help as her ice cream melts away.

you two fall back into your roles. easily getting comfortable again despite the obvious conversation that needs to be had. you want to bring up what happened, but can't, worried that it will ruin the atmosphere between you. aitana seems to worry about the same thing as she says nothing about it, but that doesn't you two don't enjoy yourselves and sorta apologize in your own little ways.

aitana brings up how you know she can be really stubborn sometimes as a joke and you easily tease her about it before she teases you about your anger issues.

you two don't get to fully apologize that day, but you do rekindle a friendship that almost went stale.

i don't wanna be your ex

we way too good at being friends

can we still hangout

on the low, get wild

i don't wanna be your,

i don't wanna be your

hit ya girl up with a text,

when you're alone and feeling stressed

i don't gotta be in love with you, to love you

i don't wanna be your,

so don't treat me like your

e-e-e-e, e-e-ex

i don't want to be your

e-e-e-e, e-e-ex

don't act like i don't care for you

cause you know i'd always be there for you (oh)

don't act like i don't care for ya

cause you know i'd always be there for you

i don't want to be your ex

we're way too good at being friends

can we still hangout on the low get wild

i don't want to be your, i don't want to be your

i don't wanna be your ex

we way too good at being friends (yeah)

can we still hangout

on the low, get wild

i don't wanna be your, i don't wanna be your

hit ya girl up with a text,

when you're alone and feeling stressed

i don't gotta be in love with you,

to love you (love you)

i don't wanna be your, so

don't treat me like your

e-e-e-e, e-e-ex

i don't want to be your

e-e-e-e, e-e-ex

i don't want to be your

e-e-e-e, e-e-ex

it takes a while for aitana and you to fully become comfortable with eachother. you two start to hang out more outside of soccer just like before; visiting that same ice cream shop nearly everyday.

those unsaid feelings still hang in-between you two, but you refuse to be the one to address them. even though you said you would fix it, if things are going well, why mention it? you were afraid of ruining what aitana and you have again. running around the topic wasn't doing either of you favors either. you couldn't bring up new crushes like you used to because you didn't know if aitana had moved on fully yet.

aitana was having a mental challenge of her own; she wanted closure. the break up to her felt so sudden that she had no time to process it even when she spent months not talking to you. during those months all she did was yearn for you, so it wasn't that beneficial. her feelings for you had definitely faded into something small; aitana will probably always like you in that way for a tiny amount but the platonic love she has for is even stronger. she just wants to be apart of your life as your best friend. the one you can always trust.

how can she get to that point fully if she doesn't express how she's feeling? aitana ponders about this for nearly five days. the question becoming larger and larger in her head everytime she saw you until she had to say something.

"y/n, want to come over to my place today?" aitana asks as you two walk around on the practice field. she's holding her waterbottle in one hand and yours in the other. you shrug before saying, "what do you think?"

right after practice you two go to aitana's apartment. she convinces to hold her bag all the way up to her apartment floor, reminding you that she held your waterbottle earlier. you jokily grumble about how you will never let her do something for you again. the atmosphere between you is light for nearly a full hour. aitana makes a large salad for you too even though you begged for her to add chicken pieces in it; she refused.

"tana, stop," you groan softly. your eyebrows furrowed together as you push her with your shoulder. currently you are trying to beat her in fifa, but she's been distracting you the entire game. laughing loudly during a game should be a crime with how loud aitana can be when she wants.

"but y/nnn. i wanna win," she giggles. pushing you back which lets her win the game. you roll your eyes, setting your controller down on her coffee table. mentally you remind yourself to tickle her for revenge later on. suddenly as aitana sets down her controller, the air around you two feel so serious.

she gives you a nervous glance, you thought you two were over this awkward phase? why is she acting so nervous now?

aitana grabs onto your hand before resting her head against your shoulder. you rest your head against hers, squeezing her hand gently to let her know to not be nervous. "i have something to say.." she says. you let out a sigh; now it's your turn to be nervous.

"why did you break up with me? i just want to know.." she trails off, glancing at you to see your reaction. why does it feel like you two are walking on eye shells around eachother? it's annoying.

you sigh before saying, "because i realized we weren't meant to be more than bestfriends and that's not in a bad way. i love you so much. i can't live without you. when we weren't friends, i lost my mind. all i want in life is to be with you."

aitana stares at you for a moment before smiling, "i love you too. let's promise to never push each other away again?" she holds out her pinky to you. just like back when you two held out your pinkies and promised to be friends forever at eleven. "promise," you say, linking your pinky with hers.

you pull her close into a hug, just relieved you now fully have your best friend back. you may not be in love with her, but you do love her.

#aitana bonmati x reader #aitana bonmati #woso x reader #woso fanfics #fc barcelona x reader

210 notes · View notes

hp-bodiceripper · 10 months

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(Pansy Parkinson/Ginny Weasley, E, 4k) Gin’s adjusting the lighting for their next shoot when in walks the new model Luna was so enthusiastic about, and that’s when they know they’re in deep shit.

Cool About It

(Harry Potter/Draco Malfoy, M, 16k) Harry is so excited for his first date with Draco. But what follows isn't so much a date as it is an all-night odyssey including a malevolent lift, a Gringotts heist, a Sleeping Curse, a trip to the kebab shop, a lack of dancing, a Muggle drug, a rooftop pool party, a black eye and, eventually, a sunrise over a Quidditch stadium.

Love Me Meow

(Arabella Fig/Minerva McGonagall, E, 2.5k) After the students leave for the summer, Headmaster McGonagall and the new Muggle Studies professor have a chance and sensuous encounter at the beach.

Nature pricks them on to ramp and rage

(Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, E, 21k) Lord Draco Malfoy may be a young man spending time in Dumbledore’s summer court, but that does not mean he needs to succumb to its licentious frivolity. He carries the burden of his lineage, the shadow of rumours, and the dignity of his betrothal to a good match. He is certainly not fool enough to be distracted by the dark curls and ready grin of the court’s stableboy, who seems to have taken up with every courtier who looks his way.

The Real Thing

(Harry Potter/Draco Malfoy, M, 5k) Harry only means to cheer Draco up after a terrible breakup. He doesn't mean to fall in love.

this is how we become timeless

(Narcissa Malfoy/Lily Evans, T, 10k) Narcissa is in eternal servitude to the Dark Lord, bound by the tears of a burned-down phoenix. Lily belongs to the Order, bound by the tears of the same creature. They’re the only two people in the world in the position of time turners, tasked with teetering the outcome of the ongoing war into their respective side’s favor. They are light years away, yet they’ve never been closer.

Wild Horses (couldn't drag me away)

(Harry Potter/Draco Malfoy, E, 36k) Koi no Yokan (Japanese) - The feeling of excitement you get when you first meet someone and know that you will eventually fall in love with them. A more realistic version of ‘love at first sight’, it roughly translates to ‘premonition of love’. A story of magic, horses, magical horses, and two men who fight all odds to find their way to each other.

Yesterday

(Harry Potter/Draco Malfoy, T, 10k) Harry doesn’t intentionally kidnap Draco Malfoy. Really it’s debatable if you can even call it kidnapping but the git surely seems to think so.

🎨 Art

Harry And Draco Wearing Kilts

(Harry Potter/Draco Malfoy, G, digital art) Our favourite wizards, dressed in traditional Scottish attire.

I Bloom Pink For You

(Narcissa Malfoy/Pansy Parkinson, M, craft) Pansy has been starved for love her whole life. All she needs is someone who will give her the approval she craves. An origami comic inspired by Schmem_14's fic.

Joy Exposed

(Fleur Delacour/Ginny Weasley, G, Digital art) Ginny and Fleur give an interview for Daily Prophet’s new Weekend Magazine and spend hours doing an accompanying photoshoot. When it comes to approving the selection of photos for print, they unanimously choose the candid one taken on their break, rather than all the styled and posed images.

Monday Murder Club

(Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Lavender Brown/Padma Patil, T, Digital art) The members of a crime-solving club find love and friendship amidst the blood.

The Professor's Passion

(Narcissa Black Malfoy/Hermione Granger, G, Digital art) Hermione is a professor and Gryffindor head of house. She loves her job... until Narcissa Malfoy is hired on the school's faculty, and is now head of Slytherin. God, that woman is insufferable. Hermione despises her so much she can hardly think about anything else. (She must hate her... that's why she always feels so hot and bothered when she's around, right? And does she have to be so damn beautiful?)

You Pierce My Soul

(Harry/Draco, M, digital art) Harry's eyes were on him almost as soon as Draco entered the ballroom. It was as if he'd been watching the door, and now Harry's eyes were wide and his mouth open.

🎵 Podfic

Masks Off

(Harry Potter/Draco Malfoy, Teen, 3h 15 min) Draco had followed his parents to this Caribbean island as a matter of course, even though no one had told him what they were doing here or why his father’s ships were frequently attacked by masked pirates. And, honestly, Draco’d had no intention of actually finding out either.

wasps and honey by swoons

(Hermione Granger/Narcissa Malfoy, M, 1 - 1,5 hours) After ten years on parole in the Muggle world, newly widowed Narcissa Black is finally allowed to do magic again — as long as she can complete all the spells on the Ministry course list. Her Ministry of Magic representative? Hermione Granger.

Come play our Guessing Game!

#drarry #cissamione #narlily #ginsy #pancissa #fleur/ginny #pavender #minerva x arabella #hp femslash #hp rare pair #hpbodiceripper2023 #hpbodiceripper #masterlist #mod post

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riikive · 7 months

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LOVESONG ⌕ CHAPTER 01

masterlist

warning. anxiety attacks, negativity, etc.

Looking around the street, you would see a female who was feeling anxious. She was shivering, her hands were shaking. "You will be okay," she told herself. Taking deep breaths even though it didn't help, not even a little. She gulped nervously, hoping the anxiety would go away soon or maybe later. She was in the middle of the sidewalk, sitting down, plugging her ears as she heard people whisper to their family or friends or significant other or anyone.

Probably about her, nobody would help her just walk by or even stare at her. She cuddled up to her knees, and tears were falling. Her bag was on the floor, and the supplies were scattered around her.

Everyone could see her horrible drawings and paintings. "Sorry－oh my goodness!" Footsteps were running towards her. The person dropped their things and hugged her. "It's okay, it's okay, everything will be okay, I am here now." She felt warmth from the words and the hug. Looking up with tears in her eyes, she saw her best friend. "Taehyun?" She choked out.

rest under cut

Her friend smiled and nodded. "That's me," he said. She quickly hugged him with tears falling. He doesn't care if his shoulder is wet from the tears. He gently patted and comforted her while glaring at everyone around them who didn’t do anything to the poor female. "I'm scared," she cried.

"I'm here now. Do you want to go home?" He asked her. She shook her head. "But what about your shopping?" She asked her. He smiled while still hugging her. She was still selfless even despite her problems. She worries about others instead of herself. "It's okay, I can do it another day or something. It's not important at the moment."

He looked at her and wiped her tears. She smiled. "I'm sorry for ruining your shopping," she muttered. He gently stroked her hair. "You don't need to be sorry. Things like this happen a lot," he reassured her. She still felt guilty for ruining it.

He picked up her things before turning around, his back to face her. "Come, let's go home." She got on his back, then he carefully got home after picking up her bag and his own. Carefully hugging him, but making sure she wasn't suffocating him from behind. Once they reached their apartment, Taehyun punched in the passcode while his friend was still on his back. She was asleep from crying and shaking a lot. Once the door was unlocked, he opened the door and saw his partner in the living room. His partner looked at them and softened when looking at his friend on his boyfriend's back.

"What happened?" His partner asked him. Taehyun looked behind him and then back at his partner. "She has another anxiety attack," he said. His partner smiled and got up from the couch. He patted gently on her hair. "She is cute," his partner bluntly said.

"Yes, she is, but you are cuter." His partner blushed, carefully hitting his arm, not wanting him to let go of her. "Stop it." Taehyun laughed silently and kissed his partner's lips. "I'm going to bring her to her bedroom." His partner nodded before he went to her bedroom.

After making sure, she is warm in her bed. He kissed her forehead before leaving her alone. Taehyun came out of her bedroom with a sigh. His partner went up to him as he closed her door. "So, do you know what caused her anxiety attack?" Her partner asked him. He shook his head.

Taehyun met his partner in his first year of high school. They were one year apart and have been together since then. His partner was okay with him being affectionate towards his best friend. He doesn't mind it at all since he knows her and his lover. "No, but I think it got worse when people were looking at her." He said. His partner nodded. "Miyeong has been through a lot, hasn't she?"

"Yeah, she has been through a lot. A lot of friendship breakups, fights, parents fighting, etc," Taehyun said while holding his partner's hand. "I am not trying to be overprotective, just worried about her." His partner kissed his lips. "Me too. Let's take care of her until she finds someone who will love her in and out." Miyeong woke up from her little nap. She let her eyes adjust. Realizing she was in her bedroom, she sat up and winced in pain, a headache from all the crying and shaking, she assumed. Feeling a bit relaxed, she got up from her bed and grabbed a cardigan from her chair. Noticing it was 3:30 in the evening. She missed lunchtime.

With a sigh, she put on the cardigan and grabbed her bag off the desk. She went out of her bedroom. She saw Taehyun and his partner sleeping on the couch. She smiled at them. What a cute couple. She carefully put a blanket on them before sneaking out of the apartment. Once she successfully sneaked out, she went to her favorite cafe and sat at her usual spot before finishing her sketch that was due tomorrow.

Feeling herself shaking, she cursed. "Not again," she grabbed a water bottle from her bag and drank all of the water inside. It didn't help at all, even though it usually does. Taking deep breaths and closing her eyes, at her phone to see Taehyun was calling her. Calming down, not wanting to make it obvious, she answered the call. "Hello－." "Where are you?" He interpreted her. "I'm fine," she said while looking at her hands and feet, which were still shaking. She heard a sigh from the other side. "I will be there, don't move." "But－." The call ended before she could finish her sentence. Cursing at her phone while trying to think of something positive so her anxiety attack won't escalate.

You're so ugly!

You are a disappointment!

You are a monster!

You are useless!

You can't do anything right!

I hate myself!

"Stop!" She screamed with tears falling. Accidentally knocking off her water empty bottle. Her eyesight was blurry. Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at her. "Great, now everyone is looking at me," she told her. She felt like she was in a car that was driving past its speed limit. Remembering her father driving recklessly and almost causing an accident when she was in her first year of high school. She almost died that day. That's how she was feeling right now. Closing her eyes and trying to take deep breaths. She heard muffled sounds.

She felt useless, then suddenly she was in the arms of someone. The perfume or cologne was familiar. Realizing it was Taehyun, she felt safe as tears fell down her cheeks.

Feeling so stupid at the moment. Taehyun was comforting her. He was also talking to some people who wanted to help. "Excuse me, does she need some water or something?" He smiled, looking at the empty water before answering, "Water would be nice." The person nodded and went to the counter to order water. He looked at her and felt she was still shaking due to her attack.

He picked up his phone to call his partner. "Beomgyu, could you drive to the usual cafe she always goes to? I don't think she is stable enough for me to piggyback her."

"Sure, I will be there in a minute." The call ended, and now Taehyun was focused on Miyeong. He saw the person come back with water and candy. "I also have anxiety, and candy helps me. I hope it helps her too," They said with a smile. He smiled back. "Thank you." He politely took it in his hand while the other was hugging her. "My name is Kim Sunoo, by the way," he said with a bow before walking away from the two friends.

Taehyun unwrapped the candy and put it closer to her mouth. He gently tapped on her shoulders. Miyeong opened her eyes. "Here, a nice man gave this to you for your anxiety." Her hands were still shaking, so she let him feed her the candy. It helped her calm down a bit, so she drank a bit of the water. Beomgyu finally came rushing into the cafe and sighed in relief when he saw them.

He saw Beomgyu and smiled. He looked at Miyeong. "Can you walk?" He asked her while signaling his partner to come. She got up. Caughting herself before she fell. Her friends shook their heads. Taehyun made her sit back before picking up her bridal style. He felt her legs were still shaking when he picked her up. Her eyes widened from the sudden action. "Hey, I can walk!" He shook his head. "No, you can't. You are still shaking."

"But won't Beomgyu be jealous?" She asked him before looking at Beomgyu, who isn't jealous even one little bit. He was smiling at her. "I'm not jealous and never will be." Miyeong was kind of in shock and confused. She knew anyone would be jealous if their partner did the same thing that her best friend did. "How?" She asked him in confusion.

"You can say I am not the type that gets jealous easily when it comes to you," Beomgyu winked. Miyeong was even more astonished. "Why does this feel like a throuple or something?" She mumbled. "It can be," Beomgyu suddenly said. She was speechless looking at him like he said something illegal. Taehyun was just focusing on walking to the car and not dropping off his friend. He heard the conversation that the two were having but not joining in.

Once they made it to the car, Beomgyu opened the back door so Taehyun could put Miyeong in the car without any trouble. Then he went to the driver while his partner went to the passenger side. She quickly put on her seatbelt with her not so shaking hands. "We are going to the hospital before going home," her friend spoke.

"But-" "No buts." She sighed and looked out of the window. She felt like a burden to her two friends. She went to dig her own grave. Beomgyu looked behind and saw her lost in thoughts. "Mi." She snapped out of her thoughts. "Yes, Beomgyu?" "If you are thinking that you are burdensome, you aren't." Miyeong just nodded before looking back through the window.

Once they arrived at the hospital, she was filling out some papers while Taehyun filled out the others. She has to be submitted to the hospital since her anxiety attacks are getting worse, and she needs some help. Beomgyu was just on his phone. "Cheong Miyeong!" The nurse called. She gave her half-finished papers to her other friend, who was on his phone before going with the nurse. Entering her doctor's office, she gulped nervously. Her doctor greeted her with a smile. "Good evening, Miyeong-ah."

"Good evening, Doctor Anh," she smiled back. The doctor looked at her computer. "So how bad is your anxiety attack?" She looked down. "It happens every day now twice and sometimes more each day." The doctor nodded. "You will be staying in the hospital and won't be admitted to the mental hospital since the last time you went. You almost have a heart attack." Miyeong nodded.

"You will go to therapy again twice a day. One in the morning and another in the afternoon when you are staying here." Again, she just nodded. "Any questions?" She shook her head. The doctor patted her back. "You will be okay." Miyeong smiled at her doctor before leaving the office. She sighed and went back to her friends. Taehyun and Beomgyu have already finished the papers. They saw her and gave her a warm hug. She felt safe in their arms. They broke the hug.

"Miyeong, come, let's get you in your room." The nurse came to her. She nodded before turning around to her friends. "Both of you, don't miss me, and don't go crazy," she smiled. Beomgyu was slightly blushed when she said the last part. "Yeah, yeah, now go. We will visit when we can," Taehyun said. She smiled before following the nurse to the room.

next ↻ ↺ previous

permanent taglist. @flowerbe0m (pls send an ask if you want to be in the taglist!)

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the-judicial-assistants-notebook · 1 year

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okayokayokay. for the shipping asks. it is my moral duty to ask you about feenris <3 (and also krisnix if you want to do two of them)

HELLO, KATE, MY DEAREST FAVOURITEST PERSON 💖💘💗💝💓💝♥️♥️💓💖 I will do both, thank you for indulging me <3

Feenris:

THEY! THEM! <333! Honestly, I could keep talking about them forever and ever because! There's so much to their relationship! But I've talked about them A Lot, so I'll just explain the boxes I've ticked fdhdkfh

(I said I wouldn't talk a lot, and then I did wSJSKDH it's all under the cut)

The love at first sight was for me, btw. Like, I saw Iris and decided, yep, this is the ship I get obsessed over. Her power. Anyway, most of these are self-explanatory but I think I'll explain the 'complicated' boxes.

I've said this before, but I think they're always going to be a little bit in love with each other (and know it), even though they won't reignite their relationship. (Although, if Capcom did a 180 and decided they were going to be a thing, I would jump on that so fast. Thematic and narrative inconsistencies be damned; I am a hypocrite) I think they've both entertained the idea of starting over at least once, but it's just too messy. Like, although their relationship wasn't built on lies, there was still A pretty substantial lie involved. Add that with the fact that it's inevitably mixed with Iris's complex feelings about Dahlia and the pain from BttT on both sides, and you get Maybe We Shouldn't Be Together Actually. That's why they got the 1/2 on the normal, healthy relationship because, at their core, they really are sort of soulmates!! And that's what makes this all worse!!

I think they could make it work, but only after they've both made peace with everything that happened on their own. Like they need to think things through without the other person around first, and then talk things out. Right now, though, them getting together would just feel like they're both having some kind of coinciding mid-life crisis. It just wouldn't work for me hskdhd

Only reason they didn't get the 'in specific situations' box was because I realised that it's less a situational thing and more a characterisation thing for me? The candy-floss fluff Feenie describes their original relationship to be, while cute, doesn't really do much for me. But if you take the Frankenstein version of their relationship which I've pieced together from one (1) sprite parallel and a few of their interactions in BttT, where it was something that had to be built and has a foundation of pure, deep understanding of one another, then I'm all over it. And it's the same with their post-breakup relationship for me. I don't want a rehash of what they had before; I want a complicated but real relationship that acknowledges what happened, isn't afraid to confront it and move forwards. IF they were to get back together, which I don't think they should. I'll admit that I do maybe want them to be together forever and ever and ever, but they're one of those ships that I think would fall in love with each other in any universe regardless (no matter how those end), and in this one, I think the best case scenario is for them to move on with other people while still having that extremely strong romantic-platonic bond between them. It's complicated and a bit strange, but I feel like it's a non-threatening bond. They love each other, they always will, and it's because of that love that they won't pursue anything further than a deep friendship. Idk, I just want them to be happy, and I think they deserve to be happy with each other still in their lives!!! Is that so much to ask!!! Is it, Capcom!!!! I'm wailing!!!!

Krisnix:

Ohhh, my God. Ohhhhhhh my GODDDD.... Where do I even begin with Krisnix. They're like a. Umm. 'I would take a bullet for you just as readily as I would pull the trigger' pair to me. I gave them a half on the 'is it even shipping anymore' box because I feel like canon does pretty much state that they were... idk what they were, but there was definitely something going on between them, but any acknowledgement of this from canon would damage me irreparably. They're canon, but I Don't Want to Know, I Do Not See 🙈 HSKHSKDB

Krisnix to me has, like, weird parallels to Feenris. WHICH IS REALLY ODD, BUT LIKE. It's this. Wanting. Of someone who is kind (although Kristoph was probably faking it 95% of the time) and gentle and so, so beautiful and who understands, when you're so damn lonely. It's about Phoenix having too much love in his heart and looking for it in all the wrong people (with Dahlia rather than Iris in their case), because he has friends! He's just dumb about them sometimes, which leads to him going for people like Kristoph and! The weird thing is that! I think it was real!! In a weird way!!!

I think there was some kind of maybe not quite love, but the murmurings of it at the edges of this strange psychosexual obsession they have going on, and I think neither of them wanted to acknowledge it. Because Phoenix isn't stupid. I'm sure he knew that Kristoph wasn't all that he was making himself out to be, but he ignored it because Kristoph was kind, and present, and smart and comforting and gorgeous and attentive when Phoenix was the opposite of being even presentable at times, both physically and socially. And with Kristoph I think it's like. I think he knew? Subconsciously. That Phoenix didn't completely buy his act, but there was this... assurance, in that fact. Like Phoenix was probably the closest a person ever came to seeing through his genteel, put-together facade, and Phoenix stayed. It's breathes of acceptance, even though Kristoph probably doesn't realise that that was what kept him staying with Phoenix. There's a nice little lie he can rely on to tuck away the truth that he likes Phoenix Wright in a way; that lie that he's just keeping an eye on him so Phoenix doesn't get to close to the truth. And if that lie occasionally leads to dinners, and real laughter, and conversations that brush the edges of who Kristoph is beneath the mask... if it leads to him not keeping his hands off Phoenix, then, well... it doesn't mean anything. It's all a lie, after all.

Idk idk. I think they were weird sort of friends and that line Kristoph says in jail about Phoenix's friendship never being true lives in my head rent free because like! What if he meant it?? What if it actually hurt??? Even though he didn't want it to!!!! They're just, they're so! Strange! I need to know everything about them, but I don't want to!! I just have to!!! And you know how I said Feenris will always love each other, and that's a comfort to them? I think Krisnix is the opposite. I think they'll always sort-of-not-quite-love each other and hate themselves for it. I think they never wanted this, and they're both still trying to get themselves out of it, but each struggle, each attempt at release, just has the noose going tighter and tighter until, one day, it's going to break. And, when it does, I want to be there to see what happens.

#THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH FOR ASKING ME THINGS KATE ILY FOREVER AND EVER IN EVERY UNIVERSE 💖💝💓💝💓💗💓💗❤️💕💞💝💖💗💖#i went insane a bit im sorry for how long this is wjkdhdls #asks #feenris #krisnix

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onyxheartbeat · 8 months

Text

It’s difficult explaining this relationship and his avoidance to people because it was overflowing with emotions and beauty but also darkness. Only he and I know what that was like because nobody else saw us together. We were in our own world away from everyone. And it wasn’t a normal relationship or breakup.

We knew each other for many years before coming together like that. We knew the feelings that were there but didn’t actually engage for a long time. When you have a 50 year old man telling you they’ve never felt certain things or did certain things with anyone before you, and that you have a soul connection with them and that they thought of you as a true deep love, and had them opening up to you in ways they hadn’t with anyone before, you feel union. I think people think “girl, he was just saying that stuff,” but I knew him well enough to know he wasn’t making that up.

You’re so deeply connected and you’re experiencing all these beautiful things, and quite a lot of them feel spiritual or unexplainable. I experienced a closeness with someone that many people don’t get to have in their lives. It was a very intense time of helping someone who was broken, feel safe to be broken, and feel safe to cry and be complete themselves, no matter how dark it could be. He could be so loving and soft and romantic. I really felt this person’s love for me, and genuine desperation for me to be beside them.

So when I explain to people that it was like Jekyll and Hyde, and that he doesn’t talk to me now, I think people think I just needed to realize it was a bad relationship and that he’s shitty for ghosting. But it’s not that simple.

We built the relationship on an apology. He called me back into his life to apologize for how he’d treated our friendship and for ghosting me. Eventually things became intimate and we were in a relationship, and he was saying he’d never ghost me again. That was a big deal for him. He was genuinely so adamant to tell me he was sorry and that he’d always be here for me when I needed. So for that safety someone promised and built beneath you to just get pulled out from under is not just your run of the mill “lied to” experience. It’s genuinely disillusioning and you question what was real about everything someone did and said to you when you were together.

His verbally violent side could just come out of nowhere. He’d get drunk and could be a normal drunk, wanting to just have fun with me, or he could just completely not care what he was saying or doing or putting me through. His heart diagnosis, his mother dying, his mother leaving the hospital stuff and house to him to deal with and sell after her death, and his siblings not being very supportive and only wanting money, made me think his erratic behavior and drinking was justified for the time being. It was all very complicated.

My therapist has made it clear that it’s not her job to diagnose or speculate on what his “problem” might be but she has suggested it’s very possible he’s borderline or bipolar based on the behavior I told her he exhibits. But again, she said it would be impossible for her to know. I personally, don’t know. When I learned what fearful avoidance is, I feel like his behavior seems textbook for that, and I think he also was battling depression as anyone in his situation would’ve been. But if he does have some other mental or mood issues, I have no idea. A part of me feels like it’s just white male bullshit syndrome and he’s just never had to be accountable for anything in his life.

My point is it’s just so hard to explain everything to people. I feel like I’m looked at as an idiot or like the relationship was just some guy using me and then ghosting me, very cut and dry. Honestly I feel that way about it too sometimes but that doesn’t really align with how he was acting at other times.

It’s really hard to explain if you haven’t been through loving a fearful avoidant person yourself, or just loving someone for eight years and it finally coming to a head and them telling you they love you too. It’s so sad when the beauty was there, and you had a house by the beach you were going to almost every day, and you were having sex constantly and making love and cuddling constantly, eating together, holding hands. He was in such bad shape on so many nights that I was literally expecting him to pass away. He’d tell me he was expecting to die on some nights. And I’d just hold him through it. Then all of a sudden that person can just flip and behave so terribly and be fine never talking to you, and they just have that “it is what it is” and I’m not changing attitude.

My nervous system still can’t regulate.

#sorry for the rant #just venting

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hopetorun · 4 months

Note

For the writer ask game, ✿ for uttering overmuch, ↻ for Quinn/Brady and preference, and ❖ for feels like flying - yes I'm going for the deep cuts thanks to other anon for reminding me about that one - and home by now. Thank you!!!

✿ did anything major change when you started writing [fic] to when you finished? for uttering overmmuch

honestly not much! which is pretty typical for me writing a pwp. i have a particular thing that i want to have happen and then it happens. the closest to a major change is that it went from being an uhhhh sometime this season story to happening specifically after that first game in sweden.

↻ pick a fic and a different ship and I’ll tell you how I’d rewrite it for preference and Brady/Quinn

this is interesting to think about! i've considered brady/quinn winner's room before but i have to say i think it would be such a different vibe from preference that the trope might be all they'd have in common? obviously a brady/quinn version fundamentally wouldn't be about sex as a pathway to emotional connection and intimacy and introducing something so intimate into a relationship that's otherwise professional and slightly antagonistic. because brady and quinn are already intimately emotionally connected!

i'm not sure what a brady/quinn winner's room story would look like for me, because i waffle a lot about how it would play out. picking each other to avoid having to have weird transactional sex with each strangers? not picking each other because they don't want to add weird transactional sex into their friendship? picking each other and committing to an elaborate lie about actually having sex? idk. i waffle about it a lot and it's one of the several reasons i haven't actually written a winner's room story for them. sorry this is not an actual sketch of a story lmao

❖ pick 2 fics and I’ll combine them somehow for feels like flying and home by now

oh my god i wrote feels like flying in 2013. i feel weird about linking to it but i also feel like most of my tumblr followers sending me asks in 2024 don't know it exists so uh. there it is.

anyway i think it and home by now combine pretty nicely into a nate/jo story i would love to read! them, and a future reconciliation story similar to home by now. the vibe is different; the hooking up backstory becomes a teenage fwb dalliance that never quite turned into an actual relationship, which in turn changes the flavor of the fight/breakup. remains a story about finding what you want and building the life you want to have, and i think giving them a friend breakup backstory means you can keep the fraught ending up on the same team situation, but the setting options are more complicated. neither nate or jo's hometown is a viable option, obviously, and jo has already played for the habs. i'm not solving that problem. they have a big fight about their careers or whatever and then end up on the same team a few years later and have bad decision sex and have to pretend that they're still besties even though they haven't spoken since 2019 or something. and then they fall in love again.

#ask meme #my fic

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bimbutchpride · 1 year

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Having a bad breakup with my ex after having my sense of security around him eroded over the course of a few months because he didn't understand the systematic nature of how trans women have violence projected onto us was bad but bareable. However then having a friendship I was developing with another masc lesbian crumble to dust because I was honest and open about the transmisogyny and outright abuse I've faced from transmascs in my decade of being out has really fucked with me. Like having salt rubbed deep into a scar that was cut back open.

#yes the latter was the guy who told me it was very white woman of me to relate to the themes of fetishization in Get Out

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m00dlvl · 14 days

Text

Pillars - Sunny Day Real Estate Review

This entry will be a more feels based one. Mainly how I feel about the ambiance and lyrics of Pillars by Sunny Day Real Estate.

At first you hear a low, mellifluous sound by the start of the guitar, drum, and bass synchronizing. For me it establishes the sound and feeling that I’ll have throughout the rest of the song. It brings a feeling of yearning for something as the song constantly goes between slow instrumentals to invigorating, heart-striking lyrics. A lot of the time you can hear him “shouting” his lyrics to get the point across almost like he needs the person to hear.

Besides my biased opinion on how great of a song this is I would need to back it up with other credible sources besides my own personal opinion. I went on a small deep dive into the meaning from a site called, “Songtell” and they have to say that this is a retelling of a breakup due to, “the weight of misunderstandings and miscommunications.” It’s told from the view of the person who is trying to salvage the relationship while the person has already moved on.

Now it’s time for a small look into the lyrics. It starts off with, “But you were always one to stay the same, girl I know you want to be the rain.” It could be a theme of having removed someone from your life due to them “not changing” based on their stubbornness or an ego. Rain is used in literature a lot to show washing away bad energy. It renews you in a sense, but in the narrator’s case the ex-lover thought they were as great as the weather pattern; instead, they could’ve brought only misery. Let’s read, “And I know that you can feel the pain your eyes speak one hundred million lies.” What I can determine is that the narrator knows how much this break up has hurt them, yet their ex will keep a poker face to not show emotion. Not showing emotion could be used as a power trope to seem stronger or better than the other person. As they’re recollecting old moments that no longer matter anymore. The ex is trying to take a shortcut on getting over someone even though it takes time to heal. The chorus is written as, “Don’t tell me you’ve gone astray I walk in circles I’ve seen million things that tell me so.” This person is hoping to not acknowledge how the other party is over with the relationship. The bridge has burned and there’s no salvaging it in any way. He doesn’t want to hear that this person has left him as he constantly remembers the moments they had together. He’s reminiscing on something that someone else has gotten over already. They couldn’t care to be with him and this breaks the narrator. Yet, there are occurrences that show how this ex lover could have an inkling of wanting for the narrator. Since the narrator sees signs most likely from the universe that could be tricking or making them imagine a false hope.

I personally have gone through “breakups” with people. Not anything romantic, but friendships. Surprisingly, I see this from the ex-lover’s point of view. I went through turmoil when I had to cut a specific person off for my own betterment. It hurt in the beginning. I mean many times did I think to just look over my own stupidity and take them back. But for my mental health and to feel better respected I chose to keep myself where I was standing and to continue looking forward. I went through my own battle in many different forms. I even had written an apology message for the fact that I ghosted them. Our miscommunications caused things to end so badly. I just couldn’t take looking, thinking, or being around them. This song brings back many moments in my life when I have wanted to reach out to old relationships to try and rekindle what we had with all the good memories, but in the end all the bad ends up staying.

#music blog #music criticism #music review #sunny day real estate

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masongrizchel · 2 months

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The One That Got Away.

I had this special someone way back in my fourth year of high school. I have had a huge crush on her since my first year. I never attempted to court her because I found her intimidating. I courted fifty-five ladies from elementary to college, and I ended up with fifty-fifth, which is my current partner today. This crush of mine was transferred to another section, and surprisingly, in the last year of our secondary education, it turned out that we were classmates and eventually able to become friends. A close one, in fact. I admire her every day. I am not sure if this was just some sort of infatuation at the time, but eventually, I fell in love with her. I acted out of emotions, crossed the line of being a friend, and acted as a boyfriend (which is unintentional, by the way). I was ignorant and acted most things out of how I felt ~ a common teenager problem. ❤️

She got mad because of it, and we started ignoring each other. 😔 I was really having a rough time. Imagine the pressure and uncertainty that the future might bring—the upcoming college admission tests, etc. We pretended that nothing happened and the other didn't exist. I can clearly remember everything that happened before and accept that things will never return to the way they were. I moved on eventually and courted different ladies again—a destructive coping mechanism that a teenager can have. 💔

Fast forward... Graduation day. When everyone was crying, I was in the middle of the ceremony hall alone, just observing. Then someone poked me from the back, and when I turned around, I was surprised it was her. 😳 She was crying and, at the same time, apologizing. She hugged me, and I hugged her back. We forgave each other. I hugged her tighter because I knew that I would no longer be able to see her again. 💕

We tried not to cut the ties of friendship that started again on graduation day. But when the news reached me that she had a new boyfriend, I stopped pursuing her. There is a part of me that is thankful that it happened because if it hadn't, I might not have ended up with the one I have right now. 🙏You really don't need to force yourself to find love, it will eventually find you at the right time and the right moment, where everything is perfect. This is what I have currently. ❤️

We were able to meet each other again (including our other friend) and help her cope with the breakup from a long-term relationship (7 or 8 years, if I remember correctly). Sadly, since she confined herself to her old partner, she has no friends to start socializing with. So we volunteered to include her in our circles. She is single right now, and I was glad that I was able to include her again in our circle without feeling awkward. I guess this is where maturity comes in. When you're able to fully handle the current situation without focusing too much on what had happened or what might have happened in the past. 🌟

I consider her one of my TOTGAs. I am thankful to her; she became an important part of who I am today. And I was also happy that, despite all that happened in the past, we were able to reunite and possess a tighter bond. 🙏💖

Personal disclaimer: I don't want her to know this version of our story. I have no plans to mention to her that I have deep feelings for her and that she is one of my TOTGAs. I am fine with us being friends, and I intend to put a period of what I feel and have felt in this blog post. We are good friends now (with no other feelings involved), and this is where I have fully consumed the old ink of feelings. 🖋️💭

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for-mason · 5 months

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I've had so much fun with you lately. New Years Eve birthday barhopping, karaoke night out, and we've even got some of our goofy playfulness back.

So much this past year, I was scared of losing you after the breakup. That first you lose your love for me, then the friendship starts to fade. And in truth, that has happened a little. We touch less, the dynamic has changed a little. You haven't noticed, but I've seen how the level of care has dropped. It's been enough that at times I considered it might be best for me to cut things off or leave town for my own mental health.

But as bad as I feel, and as worse as I know it will get, I enjoy all the time I spend with you. Genuinely, truly, I am at my happiest when I'm with you. I sleep my most peaceful with you by my side - how on earth do we have as much fun as we do, with you staying the night as often as we do, while denying the bond between us?

Two things keep me staying, and not just the impossibly deep love I feel for you.

Nights out drinking means drunk Mason lets slip his inhibitions, and not even your best friend knows how to handle your flavour of autism when it slips out. It's not a bragging point when I ask, who else is able to care for you as I do? Because at those moments, when the senses and the somatic overwhelm you, nobody else has been able to calm you down and keep you steady as I do. I worry about you. As someone who has been your deepest partner, and who you continue to find comfort in even in your non-verbal and deeply distressed states.

And after you came down from your last moment, returning to bed after recovering on the cold tile floor of my bathroom, you wept for your best friend having to move away, how scared you were of all your friends eventually leaving you when they have to move jobs or towns, how scared you are that they'll eventually stop talking to you and drift off.

How close you came to understanding my fear when the one man who couldn't possibly ever leave me suddenly did.

But for those reasons... I won't. You might not be the man who swore that he'll always be mine, but you're still the man I love and care for. And while you'll never have to worry about not attracting friends, this is one you'll never lose. I won't leave you without my support, you're too important to me to ever do that.

It's just going to hurt like hell. But sometimes that's the life we get.

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purplesurveys · 5 months

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1790

Is there a gang problem in your area? Not that I know of. If there were any it would be super underground.

Do you make your Starbucks order more complicated if it isn't busy? No. The extent to which you could customize your drinks at that place scares and overwhelms me, lmao. I've always just gotten whatever's on the menu.

Do you consider airports to be emotional places? Yes, I've always held a quiet resentment towards airports because sending off my dad, who works abroad, has been a regular occurence in my life since I was 2. I've never felt nice in them, even when I'm already the one traveling, because the bitter goodbyes are all I remember.

Where do you need to be? Nooooooooooofuckingwhere. I'm happy to be home and holed up in my room. I've been out all week for Christmas parties and errands.

Would you date an already attached person? No.

When you marry, will you wear white? Yeah, assuming that happens to me.

What vaccine that you've received hurt the most? All injections hurt the same to me – it's the side effects that vary. So far the Covid vaccines and boosters have sucked the most.

Do you ever feel like you're being watched? I mean sure, but it's never been like a stalker-type situation. It's fairly easy to find myself in situations where I'm watched, like when I'm presenting a Powerpoint to a whole room.

What will it take to make or break this day for you? My day's already made because I got a box of macarons from a frequent work supplier today. As far as break, idk. There's loads of bad news I could possibly get.

Would you give up a dream for someone you loved? I was willing to in the past, and looking deep down I don't think that has changed. I love deeply. I can always find ways to make the most out of life, and I think the only time I would back out is if our values or directions in life are entirely different and stand no chance of being reconciled in any shape or form whatsoever.

Could you date someone who's only been your friend for a long time? I did. Prior friendships are what I prefer in relationships too.

Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly? I've only ever been in a monogamous relationship. It's what I prefer as a setup, but generally I don't date anymore.

Are you afraid to ask people out on dates? It's not that I'm afraid. I'm just not interested.

Do you think it's better to look for love or let it find you? I let things happen naturally.

Have you ever found yourself worrying about commitment? Never been a problem for me.

Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already? Preferably not but if I'm really into the person, I think it's something I'm willing to try. I'm nowhere near ready to be a stepmom, but no one ever really is.

Have you ever learned an important lesson as a result of a break up? Yeah. I think that's part of the role of breakups...

Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than three months of no communication? Nopes, it was more the opposite for me. I kept in touch for the next three months thinking things had a chance of changing, then realized how unhealthy it was for me so I promptly cut off all lines of communication with them when the new year rolled in.

Do you or would you ever wear fake eyelashes? I did just once, realized how much I hated being made up like that, removed them before the event was even over, and never wore them again.

Do you think that smaller breeds of dogs are cuter than big ones? I like all dogs but I will say I like bigger dogs a teeny weeny bit more.

When was the last time you slept in a tent? Two years ago.

What brand of make-up do you prefer to use? I don't follow makeup brands.

Do you have any siblings and if so, what're they like? Nina is very independent, naturally defensive (almost to a fault), but also sensitive. We all kind of tiptoe around her since she can cry about anything. She's incredibly artistic and resourceful and is reliable in many situations. I don't know much about my brother apart from him liking K-pop girl groups and having a sharp memory. He doesn't show much of a personality beyond those two things.

What was the last television show that you sat and watched multiple episodes of? Gyeongsong Creature.

Is there anything significant happening this month? It's Bea's last working day on the 31st and after that I'll be pretty much left to my own devices with an entire team to run.

When was the last time you plucked your eyebrows? I don't do that.

Do you have any chronic pain? No.

When was the last time you had a Poptart? Either a year or two ago. Can't remember. I don't have them often.

Do you like hot chocolate? Not in general. There's only one variant of hot chocolate I'd get on the regular, and that's a local restaurant's San Gines hot chocolate.

Who is your best guy friend? Hans, if any.

What’s your favorite Michael Jackson song? Either Smooth Criminal or Bad.

Where did you buy your favorite pair of jeans from? I don't even remember. I've had it for so long as my fave and I refuse to throw it out hahaha. Maybe at an ukay?

When was the last time you got your hair done professionally? A couple of months ago when I got another dye job.

Do you like TGI Fridays? I think it's extremely overpriced and that automatically makes me not a fan. Why pay triple the price for a plate of wings?

Have you ever gotten your legs waxed? Nope, I just shave them.

Have you ever read anything by Edgar Allen Poe? I don't think I have.

When was the last time it rained where you live? Last night the rain was pretty strong! I think we have a typhoon.

Do you like horses? They're okay, but I'm not attached to them like some people would be.

What are your grandfathers’ names? I'll only share their nicknames, which are Jun and Boy.

Have you ever seen a snake in real life? Yes. I've held one.

Do you know anyone that has been held hostage before? Only by association, but my sister's boss from when she was interning.

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moultinmush · 7 months

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6# A Fandom Worse Than It's Content: The Aftermath, The Anti Server.

I'd lose contact with numerous amounts of people over the coming weeks, all for varying reasons: It started with Yums, who after the raids had grown apathetic ‘’The situations over [Deadname] Stop talking about it so we can all move on.’’ Had seemed to be their own and others consensus. I believed he deep-down hadn't changed their view of me after thinking me a Farmer. I'd see myself as toxic too, that my being around him was hurting them: So Yums and I came to a mutual agreement not to be friends anymore. Recently we reconnected, and I discovered my perceptions were wrong. To start with, Mandi originally was the leader figure who brought everyone together—But after the leaking of her own server, she'd retracted that role. Yums attempted to take up the mantle to bring order, and due to their own chaotic life it became a welcome distraction. When they couldn't manage the role anymore, they tried to pull back: But Mandi would drag them right back. Yums, at a point of exhaustion—Wouldn't actually think I was a Farmer. They wanted to take a neutral stance, but didn't feel safe doing so as everyone was actively tearing each others throats out. So in order to not bring attention to themself, they merged into the crowd, pretending to agree: It's why later they'd come across as so dismissive. Second was Mandi, who honestly was likely looking for an excuse to drop me. What led to us actually cutting contact was something unrelated: Before the raiding of my server, they knew someone who’d become their Ex (Who before becoming their Ex) I’d meet due to a call with them and Yums/Mandi. He’d been discussing his MLP oc, and sharing artwork—Which I pointed out as looking traced, and the story cliché—I'd get told of for that, not great memory that one. Ironically, later it would be proved that yes, it was traced work.

After their breakup, I’d not understand the gravity of the situation. I’d not known he knew where she lived, nor how far his harassment had gone. I assumed he wasn’t someone to take seriously, and he’d soon get bored—So I spammed him with crocodile images as ''Payback'' For how he'd treated Mandi: I couldn’t see how in doing that, I could’ve put her in very real danger. Look, at the end of the day it was Mandi’s business; She didn’t owe me an explanation. Everyone has a right to decide who they allow in their lives, and what they tell them: So when she blocked me, she had every right to do so. I’d just thought our friendship meant more than a teenagers poor judgment.

Scary and Possum were a whole different story. I believe I cut contact with them as we no longer talked, and I'd thought if I cut them of somehow the trauma I'd sustained would magically go away. Doesn't matter how we lost contact really, as we'd reunite half a year later.

It was 2020 now, late June. I’d freshly turned 16 only days prior, and Scary was now 17. I’d re-entered one of my dissociative episodes, which had developed after I’d lost contact with everyone involved with the servers. During these episodes, I’d believe I was 15 again, stuck in that fateful day—Searching for my friends so I could beg for forgiveness all over again. (These episodes grew in distance between one another over the years, I just get depressed in September/October now.) It's why I'd search for a Reitanna server, and soon find Scary's Anti-Reitanna server.

Finally we move onto when, why, and how the YouTube harassment started. As I discussed in (This) Post, they already felt betrayed—So the later events were the final nail. This is where it gets a bit mercy, events in the timeline could be in the wrong order; There isn’t any real way to know. What I am sharing is the best I could gather from what sources I do have, so forgive me if I get something a bit wrong:

(Art by Reitanna Seishin for the LAR video.)

Scary and Mandi were like a haystack soaked in gasoline, all they needed was for someone to light the match. Reitanna had begun tweeting about wanting to lose weight, as she wanted to be around 110 pounds. Scary was of the assumption that weight was unhealthy, so tried to discourage her. This would become a back and forth between the two, where Scary would attempt to disengage the conversation—Only for Reitanna to respond ‘’So, are you done yet?’’ This was when Scary discovered the infamous ‘’That’s your fucking fault, you moron!’’ Clip in Reitanna’s abortion LAR. He’d create a video response, the assumption as to why he made the video to begin with—Was to call her out for the blatant victim blaming, and to get her to leave him alone.

(If you do want to know more about Reitanna specifically, I'd recommend watching the bellow video.)

youtube

The harassment over Twitter would continue (And Reddit, from what I recall.) Past a point it wasn’t constructive, and Scary would continue with his unscripted videos—Except, many would be live streams—And he’d make a video about every single transgression, which resulted in watering-down the more serious accusations.

Moving backwards in the timeline, Mandi had began creating her own videos for two presumed reasons: The biggest was that Reitanna had promised once her channel was back up and running, she’d post the next Muffins part—This promise was broken. And resulted in a bigger sense of betrayal than before. Because of this, Mandi would create her first video responding to Reitannas ''It's 4/20? oh. No, I don't celebrate Hitler, you nazis." Tweet, fuelled by the broken promise.

(Thumbnail by Here For Nothing.)

Nearing the end of the posting, Mandi would reach around 14 videos about Reitanna—Whereas Scary would reach a whopping 40. They weren’t the only ones posting either, there was Here For Nothing (Known as Rose, they co-wrote Brownies—Which was Mandis own spin of series from Muffins.) Along with many other small channels that made normally 1 or 2 videos in whole about Reitanna, all having been inspired by Mandi and Scarys own uploads.

2020 housed a major explosion criticism towards Reitanna, it all so overwhelming no one could possibly hope to keep up or so much as consider anything in-depth—Not even the critics themselves.

I want to establish, I wasn’t a hater—I no longer was a fan, but hadn’t joined the Anti server because I wanted a part in the hatred. I was only trying to get back in contact with who I thought would give me closure, that’s it.

One thing to bear in mind during this time period as well, is that it was Covid era. Many were in quarantine, and were becoming stir crazy. People were looking for places they could socialize over the internet, and where ever they could be accepted. Save to say, mental health was on the low.

Onto the matter of the server—Anyone who joined that server knows it was an utter mess. It was encouraged (As it was seen as ‘’Therapeutic’’) to vent unhealthy amounts of anger there, along with general ideations. The top channel housed a bot that would repost directly into the channel and notify the server members whenever Reitanna would post a tweet. Over the short period I was there, I’d not interact often. Generally, I’d be in privet VC’s with Scary and his then boyfriend, Possum.

(A witness recount from an ex-member.)

In the following screens, these were the last time I interacted with Scary. I was at the worst I’d ever been with my mental health, and was actively self-destructing. Things that are too personal are censored, so please respect that. But basically—An Anti-server member @everyone’d in the server, saying he was going to kill himself and didn’t want to be stopped.

I was unwell myself, and so unstable at that point that this trigger made me deeply frustrated. All I could think to respond with was ‘’Why is he everyoneing? This is an overly dramatic situation that’s been created.’’ It’s one thing to look for help, but actively announcing that is not the way to go looking for it—The way I reacted wasn’t the best, but how Scary treated me after the fact definitely wasn’t right.

Bellow is the last interaction I ever had with him.

When I joined the server, Mandi hadn't been there. I am decently sure she left and later re-joined long after I'd left, Mandi herself allowed the server to get out of hand, no one abided the rules, and she never enforced them either—Which led to more escalations.

Below is another Ex members experience:

The downfall of the Anti-server came about due to murmurs of Kiwi Farmers potentially raiding it—Reitanna had gotten doxxed, Mandi had gotten doxxed Scary had gotten doxxed... It was simply time to call it quits for them. The Farmers had been suggesting creating them their own boards too, saying they had potential to be bigger ‘’Lolcows’’ Than Rei herself. And so, the Anti-server would be shutdown a week before new years in 2020. It had a revival attempt in 2021, but didn't stick.

It's been a long journey, but we've made it to the very last post. If I learn of anything, somehow find new screens, ect ect—I'll add them to old posts and don't have any plans for new posts. My ask box is open for whoever may find this blog, and want some more explanation about anything I've shared.

#reitanna seishin #harassment tw #Youtube

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diariesof-kg · 1 year

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The Heartbreaker?

06_03_23

Why am I so poetic? I can get really deep with my words. I guess that’s the part of me that’s still alive. I am ultimately shocked when I write about love and things. It’s a rarity that I write poems for anyone. When I do consider it a one in a million moment.

I think I will dive into this quite quickly. I am not upset or mad, because I am numb at this moment. But I am disappointed, I suppose. The fact that a friend of mine decides to do a Oprah interview and tell all without coming to speak to me is definitely grounds for never being a friend of mine again. The fact that, she decides to tell someone that she is heartbroken, because I “ghosted” her, but never used all methods to reaching out to me to check on me is the reason I am writing this out. Manipulators are like abusers, well my therapist would say they are. She needed to tell the story first to make herself seem as if I am the one doing all this. Listen, at this point, I will take the L and be the bad person, because that seems to be the narrative here.

It’s the fact that she can not reply and have the whole entire group on ‘do not disturb’ but post on social media and then return when she feels like it and, I actually don’t flinch or feel like “she’s not my friend.” Everyone goes through things! If you’ve known me, you know I hide my feelings and emotions and be that supportive friend through it all. I get quiet after Mother’s Day and post on social media and all of a sudden, I am ghosting and breaking someone’s heart. This is exactly why I am removing myself from everyone. I am tired. This shouldn’t bother me, but it does. Imagine being there for everyone and supporting them, making sure they are good when you are not and then God says “Hey Ke’Anna, I’m going to take your mother from you now.” and I still be there for everyone. Mother’s Day was hard for me and nobody cared to ask me will I be okay. I am highly disappointed in her. And it’s not just the situation now, this person will flake on you day in and day out with so many excuses. On top of that the other girl paid for her whole Bday dinner just for her NOT to show up. I was upset for the girl at the time, because that was honestly foul. No one knows how to communicate anymore I suppose but expect people to communicate. My question to her is why even start the narrative about me that isnt true. Also, I don’t like lies. I can barley lie myself, my consciousness, guilty consciousness rather just could never. Saying things like that will make people think we real life had something going on and we did not. Thankfully the person I am dating trusts me to know it’s not what she is saying.

Could you imagine if I was with the last girl or my ex. And I went to vent to them, they’d accuse me of had done something with the girl and believed her instead of me. That’s why I don’t play about my character or name. You out here doing too much. I get it, I was that friend, real friend out the group and I cared and made sure you were good, but isn’t that what friends are suppose to do? Perhaps this is my down fall. Perhaps I do a lot for people and they become platonically possessive. Maybe it’s just the taurus? I understand going through a friendship breakup, but please tell the truth. Maybe deep down inside you are projecting? Maybe you are jealous that everyone is in a relationship out the group and you are not. Imagine if me and my other bestfriend got married, since the other two in the group are married. I do recall this text though, where after I made it official, she said something about, “you are leaving me for someone else...” I will definitely find it sooner or later. I try not to read into things sometimes, because it’s literally all shits and giggles, but also you have to pay attention to the hidden truths.

Karmic energy is real. I honestly tried to help her as a friend to cut the soul ties with her exs, rebalance her chakras and vibrational energy, but she refused. Everything she has told me, you have to sit back and think this is karma. Although a person can sit and tell you what another person has done, you’d have to think than why are you surrounded constantly by negative energy. Why do things not happen for you? I believe some people are content with things happening to them. I am not. I worked so hard on my spiritual journey to unravel it all. Maybe us not being friends is the best. I mean in general what kind of friend has their do not disturb on forever in a day and is only available when they want to be. I’m sure the other girls don’t care or maybe they do, but everyone feelings do matter.

On the contrary I am disconnecting my phone, Tmobile asked me a million questions just to turn off the service. If I want to disappear into the ocean, who needs to know that Tmobile, I pay the services now turn it off. But I am going to do some candle work, which is dangerous might I add. Lol, Sage is mildly dangerous but the candles I have, I did it once and was shook by the results. That’s the reason I refuse to relit them unless necessary. I just feel entirely numb. And while being numb, I don’t feel like going to work anymore, I miss my mom. I have no one to vent about my feelings too. It’s really lonely even though I have my family and friends and my partner it’s very lonely. I thought about joining some groups in the LGBTQ community to get out the house and do meet ups, but I feel like a disease. I feel like if anyone was to hug me I’d cry and no one wants to be around that. I don’t even want to be in this vessel right now. My cousin keeps throwing away things and I think it’s adding pain within me that I can’t explain. I am not in a dark space but honestly I wish I could dig the grave site where my mom is and be with her forever. It’s almost six months and like my friend who lost her mother as well told me “it gets quiet..” no one calls, you become lonely. And it’s crazy how we mistreat others while they have a breathe in their body but as soon as they die, it’s “I miss them so much...” but 3 months later its radio silence. That’s why I don’t fear death at all. But that’s another blog for another day.

To end this blog ----

I did see my mother in my dreams, I think? It’s her but no words are spoken. I think subconsciously I am still waiting for the doctors to tell me to come pick her up. The last blog I wrote that I wanted people to miss me, but I was weak. I could careless about being missed. I just don’t want to feel numb anymore. I want to feel loved and chosen and seen like I stated, but missed, that’s what photographs are for. I do wish the friendship didn’t end like that, but that’s cliche of a statement. I wish the world was more gentle to those who are suffering in silence. I wish the world would be washed of lies and deceit. I wish those around would stop calling me rich. Don’t ask why but it does bother me. To be honest, the funds are enough to cover my funeral, if yall really want to know. But moving on, I hope me and the ocean waves meet again. Maybe the ocean will grab me and pull me somehow, but never give me back.

#lgbtq #LGBT relationship #Friendships #friends #life lessons #love #mskg #blogs #diariesofkg #mother earth #ocean waves

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