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shadows-and-science-gone-mad · 4 years

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An Analysis of the Creature Designs in Jurassic Fight Club

The 2008 History Channel miniseries Jurassic Fight Club was not a good show. Almost objectively, it was a badly-done series. The effects were of generally high quality, but those decent effects were in service of a poorly-scripted, gratuitously-violent, scientifically-inaccurate gorefest masquerading as a documentary.

It’s not worth your time.

That said, one bit of unambiguous praise I can give it lies in the designs for the dinosaurs. While they are frequently very inaccurate, they are completely unlike any dinosaur designs in any other media. The showrunners very easily could have just appropriated stock footage from older programs to pad their runtime, but they created unique clips featuring their own designs, which is commendable.

In this post, I’m going to be going through all of the creature designs that appear in Jurassic Fight Club and give my honest thoughts on them. I will factor in both accuracy to the real animal and my own personal tastes, and ultimately assign each one a score out of 10.

So, without further ado, let’s begin:

Majungasaurus crenatissimus (male)

Let’s cover these in order of appearance, which means that the male Majungasaurus is first on the plate. (I am choosing to ignore that they call it Majungatholus in the narration; that is not what this creature’s name is.)

This is a pretty interesting portrayal of this animal. They very easily could have just thrown some skin over the bones and called it a day. But, they stretched their creativity a bit and gave it some speculative soft tissue, and I like that.

That said, the anatomy is completely wrong for a Majungasaurus. The skull is correct, but the arms are too well-developed, and the legs are way too long and lean. Those proportions would work pretty well if this were a Carnotaurus, but it’s a bit too athletic for a majungasaur.

7/10.

Majungasaurus crenatissimus (female)

This is much more in line with what I was expecting from their Majungasaurus. It has the exact same problems as the male, and is missing the speculative soft tissue that I liked so much. Still okay, but not as interesting as the male.

6/10.

Tyrannosaurus rex

No, I don’t know why it’s squatting like that in this promotional image.

Ignoring the weird pose, this isn’t too bad, actually. Sure, it still has broken wrists, and the skull is a bit off, but it otherwise looks about right. For a depiction of T. rex from 2008, this is pretty decent stuff. I like the muted purple color, and I am immensely appreciative of the fact that they didn’t just copy-paste a Jurassic Park rex into their show. They could have very easily done that, but they chose to make something more representative of the actual animal.

8/10.

Nanotyrannus lancensis

This one’s a bit tough to judge. You see, Nanotyrannus doesn’t actually exist. In 2008, it was considered its own genus. But, in the decade since this series aired, it has been all but confirmed that Nanotyrannus is just a juvenile Tyrannosaurus.

That said, as a juvenile Tyrannosaurus, this is pretty good. It’s slim and fierce, with a good color scheme and decent accuracy to the fossils. Aside from the fact that this animal never existed, this is decent. Not bad at all.

7/10.

Deinonychus antirrhopus

I am of completely mixed opinions about this one. On the one hand, aside from the broken wrists, the anatomy is pretty much spot-on. You can tell that the designers actually looked at real Deinonychus skeletons to model this. Also, the blue body with the striping on the tail is a very striking color pallete. As a design, this is actually pretty good.

But, then we get to the elephant in the room. Not a single feather to be found anywhere on its body. Even in 2008, no feathers at all was barely acceptable, and it is completely unforgiveable today.

I have heard that they didn’t do feathers because of budgetary restrictions, which is understandable, but it does drag this design down quite a bit.

I’m going to have to give it a neutral score. It’s a great monster design, but it’s a terrible raptor.

5/10.

Tenontosaurus tilletti

Poor Tenontosaurus. It pretty much only ever gets media representation so that it can be killed by either Deinonychus or Acrocanthosaurus, and nobody ever seems to give it the time of day.

Fortunate, then, that this is a fantastic design.

Anatomically, it’s spot-on. The colors are dull, but not boring. It has a good amount of soft tissue, and carries a real sense of weight. Out of all the dinosaurs in the show, this one looks the most like a real animal. I have absolutely no complaints.

10/10.

Stegosaurus ungulatus

This is top-quality stuff right here. The proportions are good, even if the tail is a bit on the short side. The hands have the correct number of digits, and all of the plates and spikes seem to be in order. Again, the colors are a bit drab, but it feels appropriate for an animal of this size.

Also, how strange is it that, of all shows, Jurassic Fight Club is the only one I’ve seen that gets Stegosaurus’s weirdly long neck right?

Another triumph.

10/10.

Ceratosaurus nasicornis

Wow.

This is almost entirely perfect.

It has the right skull, it has the long teeth, it has the osteoderms on the back, the proportions are correct. Literally the only inaccuracy I can find is the pronated wrists, but that’s hardly enough to tarnish this thing’s otherwise perfect score.

This may be the best depiction of Ceratosaurus I’ve ever seen, and it is unquestionably the best design in the show.

10/10.

Camarasaurus supremus

Eh.

It looks about right, but it just feels...plain. This is the first one where the dull color scheme is a downside. It’s just flat grey with a yellow head. I do like that detail, but that’s pretty much all it has going for it.

Also, it has elephant feet, which is just wrong.

4/10.

Allosaurus fragilis

Alright, buckle down, because this one’s really bad.

Whereas everything up to this point at least feels like they looked at the actual animal as they were rendering, I’m not certain anyone involved in this thing’s design process had ever seen an Allosaurus skeleton. Let me count the issues:

The skull is so utterly wrong I’m unconvinced they didn’t just completely make it up.

The horns are the wrong size, the wrong shape, and in the wrong spot.

The wrists are broken and stuck on the end of way-too-long human arms.

The torso is too shallow, and has this weird hunchback thing going on.

The legs are too short, and those dainty little feet are bordering on comical. It doesn’t look like it should be able to stand up.

Literally no component of this thing’s anatomy resembles the animal it is supposed to be. It’s a trainwreck.

1/10.

Carcharocles megalodon

To begin with, yes, I am all aboard Team Carcharocles.

With that out of the way, this is a very “meh” design. It’s literally just a big great white shark. No real creativity or imagination at play here. Normally, that would be fine, but C. megalodon isn’t particularly closely related to the great white, so I can’t rate this too highly.

4/10.

Brygmophyseter shigensis

Conversely, I think that making Brygmophyseter a modified sperm whale is completely appropriate. This animal was a close cousin of the modern sperm whale, and thus would probably look fairly similar.

Decent colors, realistic anatomy, appropriate role within the episode’s story. Pretty decent stuff.

7/10.

Gastonia burgei

The show’s designers keep doing a really good job with their armored dinosaurs. The Stegosaurus above was one of their best, and Gastonia here is no different.

It certainly helps that Gastonia is known from pretty solid remains, so they had a lot of material to work with. It looks pretty much as it should, and the color scheme is vibrant, but not overdone. Pretty stellar work overall.

9/10.

Utahraptor ostrommaysi

Okay, I was willing to be forgiving of the Deinonychus because of the colors, plus the fact that they nailed its skeletal anatomy. This thing doesn’t have either of those advantages.

I can forgive the incorrect skull, Utahraptor‘s skull wasn’t known until nearly a decade after the show came out. What I cannot forgive is the drab, boring color scheme and those AWFUL feathers. If this is all they were going to do to add feathers to their raptors, I’m almost glad they left Deinonychus scaly.

Just awful.

2/10.

Arctodus simus

Wait. They didn’t have the budget to render raptors with proper feathers, but they did have the budget to do an episode all about furry Pleistocene mammals?

Anyways, this is alright. The skull looks a bit off to me, and the legs are too short, but it’s not awful. Y’know, aside from the fact that they gave this bear human eyes for some reason.

6/10.

Panthera leo atrox

That sure is a lion.

5/10.

Pachyrhinosaurus canadensis

That is not Pachyrhinosaurus. Even ignoring the erroneous horn, -- which is addressed as speculative within the show -- that is straight-up not the skull of a Pachyrhinosaurus. They just modelled an (admittedly okay-looking) Achelousaurus, and then had the narrator call it Pachyrhinosaurus.

3/10.

Albertosaurus sarcophagus

I don’t even know what to say here. All of the show’s other theropods had something interesting or noteworthy about them, either good or bad. But, this is just every pop-culture Albertosaurus I’ve ever seen.

It certainly is there.

4/10.

Edmontosaurus annectens

This is one of the most completely unremarkable creature designs I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s a single dull color, it has no speculative soft tissue, and its only role in the episode is to be killed and eaten by predators.

This is the closest thing I’ve ever seen to a representation of a Perfectly Normal Beast. There is not a single remarkable thing here.

And it’s a shame, because Edmontosaurus is a very interesting and underrated animal, but here it gets saddled with this halfhearted shrug of a design.

4/10.

Dromaeosaurus albertensis

Yeesh.

This has the advantage of being more anatomically accurate than the Utahraptor and the colors are okay, but those feathers are, again, absolutely appalling.

Topping that off, the narration talks about them communicating with each other via sign language, which is just...dumb. Even as a kid, I thought that was dumb.

2/10.

#my writing #essay #review #creature design #dinosaurs #jurassic fight club

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psychosistr · 5 years

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A Playful Spark- Chapter 3, Adulthood Pt.1

Summary: When Elmo fully hits puberty during his teenage years, some things come to light that make growing up much harder for him. Thankfully he still has Jack to support him, but how will the toy maker react when the electrically inclined rodent confesses a deep secret to him?

Notes: Warnings for this chapter: It does involve domestic abuse and period-typical homophobia. Also, some mentions of pedophilia in this chapter, but it’s just Jack talking about how disgusted he is by that sort of thing and providing a reason for why he wouldn’t date a seventeen year old XP

-First Chapter-

<-Previous Chapter Next Chapter->

~Age 23~

*knock* *knock* *knock*

Jack groaned and rolled over, trying to ignore the knocking at his door.

*KNOCK* *KNOCK* *KNOCK*

If he ignored it long enough, it would probably go away..

*KNOCK* *KNOCK* *KNOCK*

“Alright, already, I’m comin’! Geez!” He yelled in the direction of his front door as he finally, begrudgingly, sat up on his couch. He’d had a late night at the toy shop and ended up crashing on the comfy cushions as soon as he’d gotten home. Looking at the clock told him that it was nearly two in the morning and he was irritated over being woken up after less than two hours of sleep. He stood up with a yawn and stretched his stiff joints before walking to the door. He didn’t even bother looking through the peep-hole to see who it was as he opened the door, too busy rubbing his eyes. “Dude, do you have any idea what..time…it..” His irritated question trailed off when he saw who was standing at his door. “Elmo?”

Blinking the sleep-induced fuzziness from his eyes confirmed for him that, yes, it was indeed his best friend standing at the door of his apartment at two in the morning. The poor teen looked like a literal drowned rat, his button-up shirt and pants soaking wet from the rain that had started shortly after Jack got home. His head was tilted down and his shoulder-length hair was just as wet as his clothes and plastered to him, hiding his face from the duck in front of him.

“Can..Can I stay here tonight, Jackie..?” Elmo’s voice came out small, meek, and almost afraid- a tone that Jack had never heard from the normally self-confidant boy, even when he was bullied or beaten up by the kids in school.

Jack frowned, wanting to ask what happened to put his friend in such a state, but he decided that questions could wait until the other boy was no longer in danger of catching hypothermia.

“Considering I’m not a completely heartless jerk- yeah, you can.” He stepped aside so Elmo could come in.

The next hour passed in a tense silence as Jack helped Elmo get cleaned up. He let Elmo use the shower to warm himself up while he pulled out some of his spare pajamas for the other to wear and threw the rat’s soaked clothes in the dryer. He grabbed a spare pillow and blanket from his closet and set them up on the couch to make it a bit more comfortable to sleep on, the pair more than used to random sleepovers by now (though usually under much nicer circumstances).

By the time Elmo exited the bathroom, his fur and hair slightly fluffed from the static-rich towels Jack had in there and changed into the pajamas Jack left for him, he had the couch made up into a make-shift bed.

Turning around to greet the kid made Jack’s words die in his throat, however, when he finally got a chance to see the teen’s face: He was covered in bruises dark enough to be seen through his short fur. The most prevalent ones were around his neck, looking like someone had gripped him by the throat and lifted him off the ground. There were slightly lighter bruises along his cheeks, on his long nose, and, most notably, the big one on his left eye that was swelling into a full-blown black eye.

Elmo must have noticed Jack’s wide-eyed stare, because he suddenly looked down and shifted uncomfortably. “……”

Jack frowned at the reaction, knowing that whatever happened must have been really bad to make the rodent so skittish. Looking at the couch he’d made up, Jack got an idea and suddenly took everything off of it- the blanket, the pillow, the throw pillows, and even the cushions. He then walked past Elmo to his bedroom and proceeded to strip everything off of his own bed and carry the assortment of sheets, blankets, and pillows into the living room with him.

Grinning, he tossed everything from his bed down to join the pile on the floor. He then went over to the kitchen area of his living space and grabbed a few clips he used for chip bags, the two chairs from his small (and mostly unused) dining table, and a package of chocolate chip cookies.

Elmo gave him a confused look as he watched the duck bring everything over to the pile in the living room, tilting his head as he watched Jack begin to pin the sheets together with the clips.

To answer his friend’s confused stare, Jack just grinned and held up the sheets. “C’mon, Mo- ya still remember how to do this, right?”

He could tell that the confused rat was about to ask what he meant, but then the look of realization finally dawned on his face when he saw Jack finish with the sheets and push the small coffee table aside before putting the two chairs in its place with a foot or two of space between them.

A small smile appeared on Elmo’s face and he nodded. “Yeah, I think so..”

He helped Jack make sure the chairs were in the proper place before they spread the pinned-together sheets out to form a curtain-like tunnel that went over the back of the couch, straight out in front to rest briefly over the chairs, and then ended up tucked around behind the TV so it was still viewable within the tunnel they’d formed- for good measure, they even tucked the sheet on the other end beneath the couch’s feet to make sure it wouldn’t droop. The pair then crawled inside through an opening in the sheets near the sofa and arranged the various stuffed objects into a comfortable cushion nest with the sofa cushions propped up against the couch so they could sit up comfortably.

Once everything was setup inside, Jack crawled back out to grab the last of their necessary provisions for the night. Namely the TV remote, the cookies he’d grabbed earlier, two cups of milk from the kitchen, and, as an afterthought, he grabbed an icepack from the freezer and wrapped it in a washcloth. He handed everything to Elmo through the entrance before joining him inside again and the two got comfortably situated in their blanket fort.

Jack picked a channel that he knew played bad sci-fi movies late at night and opened the pack of chocolate chip cookies for them to split. The two friends were soon engrossed in a bad killer-robot movie with Elmo pointing out how scientifically inaccurate the details on the robot were while Jack talked about a design he’d come up with for a toy robot. After they polished off their chocolatey desserts and drained their glasses, Jack held the icepack up to Elmo with an understanding smile, one that offered sympathy without prompting for a story just yet.

Elmo took the icepack with a sigh and placed it over his swollen eye. He hissed slightly from the contact at first, but relaxed soon enough.

After a while longer of watching bad movies, he heard Elmo say something so quiet that it was almost inaudible over the sound effects from the TV. “Hey..Jackie..?”

Jack turned his head to look at the other boy beside him. “What’s up, bud?”

“……” Elmo looked down slightly, hesitating before he spoke again. “…Thanks…”

Jack just smiled at his friend and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, holding the teen against his side comfortingly. “Eh, don’t mention it.”

They smiled at each other before nestling back into the cushions to get more comfortable as they watched another movie. Jack pulled the blankets he’d stashed inside the fort earlier up to cover them as a general feeling of sleepiness and contentment settled over both of them. Half-way through the film, he heard soft snoring beside him and glanced over to see Elmo had already fallen asleep. With a tired but affectionate smile, Jack turned the TV off and pulled the blankets up a bit higher over both of them before falling asleep as well.

To absolutely no one’s surprise, Jack didn’t wake up until well past noon the next day. Thankfully, it was his day off from the shop, so he didn’t have to freak out about running late.

Feeling a weight against his side, he looked over to see Elmo still curled against him as the rat slept. Examining him in the dim daylight that filtered in through the sheets, Jack took the chance to quietly examine the boy’s injuries. The swelling in his eye had gone down a bit thanks to the ice pack, and some of the lighter bruises seemed to be healing a little as well, but would probably take more time.

Looking further down, he noticed that Elmo was gripping Jack’s shirt tightly in one of his hands as he slept. He seemed almost afraid to let go…

Jack frowned a little again at the boy’s subconscious behavior. Elmo may not have been physically strong in any sense of the word, but the kid always had a tough spirit. No matter how he got bullied or kicked around throughout middle and high school, he’d always kept a brave face and said that things weren’t that bad. THIS, though, whatever it was, was bothering him on a subconscious level and that worried Jack greatly.

Shaking himself out of his melancholy thoughts, Jack gently placed a hand on Elmo’s shoulder and gave it a light pat. “Hey, Elmo, wake up- let’s get some breakfast!” He spoke softly enough to avoid startling the still-skittish rodent, but raised his voice just enough to be effective.

Elmo groaned slightly and slowly opened his eyes, having trouble opening the blackened one all the way. “More like lunch by now..”

Jack shrugged. “Time is a man-made construct, pal.” He grinned excitedly. “So that means if we want pancakes after 12:30, then we can sure as hell have pancakes!”

Elmo released the grip he had on Jack’s shirt so he could rub at his non-bruised eye. “Fine, but don’t drown mine in whipped cream- I know how you cook.”

“You mean with style, flare, and great taste? I completely agree!” He joked as he gave the rat’s hair a quick ruffle before slipping out of the blanket fort to make breakfast.

To his pleased surprise, Elmo followed him and helped him pull out the ingredients for the pancakes. They worked together as perfectly as they always did when they set their minds to something, able to pass ingredients and tools back and forth without needing to ask for anything at all. This left them free to talk about the movies they watched the previous night and make jokes about the bad effects in so many of them.

While waiting for the pancakes to cook on the stovetop, a thought occurred to Jack and he briefly crawled back into the blanket fort to retrieve the icepack from the other night. He stuck it in the freezer so it could get cold again and, on his way back to the stove, he saw Elmo watching him.

Deciding now would be as good of a time as any to rip the metaphorical Band-Aid off, he asked the first thing that seemed safe. “How’s the eye? Any better?”

Elmo shrugged, avoiding eye contact again. “Kind of…”

“Hm, guess that’s better than it feelin’ worse.” He conceded with a shrug as he picked up the spatula again. Jack idly lifted the corners of the pancakes to check them, giving him an excuse not to stare at Elmo as they talked and providing the younger boy with some comfort. “So, something happen at school? Just give me a name- you know I’m not above scarin’ the shit out of teenagers.” He said with a smirk.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Elmo lean against the kitchen wall with a small smile. “No, it’s nothing like that this time..” His smile fell slowly as he swallowed down a lump in his throat. “I just..I, uh..” He took a deep breath and sighed it out heavily, apparently trying to gather his nerve before he continued. “I kind of- that is, I just..well, I said something stupid and dad..he..he got kind of mad at me.”

“What?!” Jack’s eyes widened in shock and he nearly dropped the spatula, managing to catch it at the last minute before it hit the ground. Once he set the utensil safely back down on the counter, he turned so that he was fully-facing his friend. “Your DAD did this to you?!”

He was…well, shocked would be a gross understatement. Sure, he had never really had any super-long conversations with Mr.Sputterspark, but, from what he could tell, the guy didn’t SEEM like the kind of man to just snap and beat the crap out of his kid for no reason. Maybe he missed some signs or something?

A dark feeling bubbled up inside of him as a single thought crossed his mind: Had this happened before?

He’d known Elmo and his family for thirteen years- the thought that he’d somehow missed signs of this happening to his best friend before terrified and infuriated him at the same time.

“Yeah..” Elmo’s quiet voice brought Jack out of his thoughts that were quickly spiraling into something darker due to his brain conjuring up images of the young rat in pain. “It’s not a big deal…was my fault, anyway..shouldn’t have said anything..” He was looking at the ground, speaking more to himself than to Jack at that point.

Jack’s eyes set in a firm glare and his mouth formed a scowl as he turned back to the stove briefly, moved the frying pan with their pancakes off the burner, then walked over to Elmo to place his hands firmly on the rat’s shoulders. His friend jumped slightly from the unexpected contact before looking up at the duck with a startled expression- both from the grip the bird had on his shoulders and the look on his face.

“You listen to me, and you listen good, got it?” Jack said with a steely-firmness his voice never before possessed. At a hesitant nod from the teenager in front of him, Jack said exactly what was on his mind. “What you said doesn’t matter- NOTHING you could’ve said gives him, or anyone else, the right to HURT you! He doesn’t agree with what you said? That’s fine, but HE was still the one who was wrong for putting his hands on you! YOU didn’t do anything wrong- HE did! So don’t you dare go blaming yourself for ANY of this, got it?”

“…” Elmo listened to the older boy with a wide-eyed stare that slowly began to mist over as he processed the other’s words. He nodded at the end of it and wrapped his arms around himself in a self-conscious need for comfort and security. “…So..you wouldn’t get mad at me if I said the same thing to you…?”

Jack shook his head and moved one of his hands off of the mammal’s shoulders to pet the top of his head in a small gesture of comfort. “You’re my best friend, Elmo. You could tell me you were secretly an alien spy or an evil super villain planning to destroy the planet and wipe out all life on Earth and I’d still have your back- hell, I’d help you build the doomsday weapon myself! Promise.” He moved his hand off of the other’s head and held it in front of him with the pinky extended.

Elmo looked at his hand for a moment with a tiny smile before hooking his own pinky around it and giving it a little shake. He let go afterwards and took a deep breath to help him organize his thoughts before he spoke again. “Have you ever thought about, you know, dating someone…other than a..you know..a-a girl..?” He looked away slightly, getting that uncomfortable and nervous look on his face again. “I mean..is it okay to-to..to like a guy the same way you’re supposed to like a girl..? I-I tried asking my parents about it, but my dad he-he got..he got really mad an-nd grabbed me and..and..he..” He swallowed nervously, one hand going up to rub tenderly at his still bruised throat. “He said ‘I didn’t raise any f-fags in this house, so you’d better man up and quit with that fruity way of thinking’…at least, that’s the nice way of putting what he said…”

Jack’s eyes softened in understanding. So that’s what happened…talk about a difficult way to come out of the closet…

“Honestly?” Jack started, earning a slight upwards glance from the rodent in front of him. He paused briefly for dramatic effect before giving the boy a sympathetic smile and a nod. “Yeah. It’s fine to think like that- you can like whoever you want, as long as you’re not hurting yourself or someone else.”

“R-Really?” Elmo asked, a hopeful edge to the tone of his voice.

Jack nodded again. “Yep. At least, for me it is.” He shrugged a little as he continued. “Granted, it’s not always safe to talk about that sort of thing- lot of people are stupid like that, especially adults- but I’ve kinda played both sides of the field by now, if you catch my drift.”

Elmo’s jaw visibly dropped and hung open for a moment before he spoke again. “Seriously? You jerk, you never told me!” He pouted and gave Jack a light punch to the shoulder.

Jack chuckled at the other’s pouty face and shrugged again. “You never asked and I didn’t feel like bragging about my many adventurous conquests.”

Elmo raised a skeptical eyebrow at that. “Really? YOU??”

Jack pretended to look insulted. “What’s that supposed to mean? I’ll have you know that I am quite a catch!” He winked with a coy smile.

The expression was enough to earn a laugh from the rodent, instantly brightening the mood between them and earning a chuckle from Jack in return.

“So, we’re, uh..we’re not..you know..weird..?” Elmo asked with a shy smile while running one hand through his long brown hair.

Jack laughed at that question, throwing his head back as he did. “Oh no, we are DEFINITELY weird!” He wiped tears from his eyes before giving Elmo a much more reassuring grin. “We’ve got a lot of things that make us weird, Mo…but..this ain’t one of ‘em. If anyone says otherwise, you just come to me and I’ll deal with ‘em.”

Elmo smiled with more confidence as he wrapped his arms around Jack in a tight hug. “Thanks, Jackie..for having my back..”

Jack smiled softly and returned the embrace, patting his friend’s back comfortingly. “Anything for my ‘Partner in Crime’.”

~Age 25~

Jack stepped out of his red sports car after he parked it safely in the spot outside of his apartment complex, walking into the air-conditioned lobby and taking the elevator up instead of the stairs. The shiny car and nice building were a far cry from the beat up old mini-van and cramped apartment he’d started out with a few years ago- a true testament to his financial success.

He had started out small, getting a part-time job in a toy shop and studying under the aging owner as he learned various trade secrets. Over time, he’d begun introducing his own toys to the store’s shelves until he was named partner in the business and, once the previous owner retired, he took over and used the money to expand his ideas. Just like he’d thought, his toys were a huge hit with the kids! It didn’t take long at all for “Quackerjack Toys” to become a household name and for him to move out to a better spot in town closer to his company’s main office.

A lot of things had changed rapidly in his life, especially over the past two years. However, as he reached his floor and pulled out the key to his apartment, he was happily reminded of one thing that stayed the same.

Said thing was casually seated on Jack’s couch, currently drawing up blueprints for his latest science experiment.

Elmo looked up when he heard the door open and gave Jack a quick nod in greeting before looking back at his blueprints. “Hey, Jackie.”

“Hey, Mo.” Jack greeted in return as he shrugged off his brightly colored red and blue jacket and hung it up by the door. “Still working on your static generator?”

“Mhm.” Elmo hummed absently while erasing one of his lines and redrawing it. “I’ve got the prototype set up at school already, it just needs some final adjustments and it’ll be perfect!”

“Heh, cool. Can’t wait to see it.” Jack said before heading back to his bedroom to change out of his work clothes and into his home-clothes (mainly consisting of comfy sweat pants and loose tee-shirts).

Having Elmo at his apartment had become an even more frequent thing over the past two years. Ever since the night his best friend had turned up on his doorstep in the middle of the night, soaked, scared, and abused by his family, Jack had made it a point to always get a spare key for the other to keep with him- giving him the freedom to come over any time he felt lonely or scared or even just bored. The rat had been hesitant at first, saying he didn’t want to bother the duck, but, after MUCH insistence from the older boy, he finally caved in and accepted the key.

Thankfully, Elmo had never come to see Jack in that rough of a state again, but he did still come over sometimes with a bruised cheek or wet streaks in his fur from when he’d been upset earlier. Jack never failed in his quest to help his best friend temporarily forget about his troubles, offering a shoulder to cry on or a funny distraction depending on which was needed more for the current situation.

Admittedly, having someone to talk to about his own romantic preferences was refreshing for Jack, too. Unlike Elmo, he’d never even broached the subject with his own parents, and, more like Elmo, he didn’t exactly have many friends besides the other boy to talk to.

Things were slowly changing in society as time went by, but the general populace was still very vocally against the idea, making it unsafe to openly discuss one’s personal tastes unless you were sure you were among like-minded individuals.

Being the head of an up-and-coming company that catered to children put Jack in an exceptionally awkward spot as well: One bad rumor or public scandal and people would start accusing him of crimes that, honestly, disgusted him to even think about. For now, it was best to keep his relationships a secret from everyone.

Well, everyone except Elmo, of course.

Once Jack was changed into his more comfortable attire, he joined Elmo on the couch by flopping over the length of the cushions with his legs dangling over the armrest and his head landing beside the rodent’s leg so he could look up at the seventeen year old’s intensely concentrated face.

“Hey, Nick-Elmo Tesla,” He joked with a chuckle, earning a hum of acknowledgement. “I’m feeling waaaaaaayy too lazy to cook tonight- you wanna stay for pizza?”

“Hm? Oh, yeah, sure, sounds good..” The other boy said quietly, still concentrating on his blueprints.

Jack hated being ignored, even if it was indirectly. With a smirk he sat up and grabbed his phone from the end-table. “I’m thinking extra-large with quadruple cheese, half the sauce, with pickled peppers, pineapple, and extra anchovies- sounds great, huh?”

“Mhm, sure..” Elmo didn’t even register the unappetizing combination, instead he just absent-mindedly agreed and nodded along. Jack pouted and turned the phone over in his hand so that the antenna was pointing forward and poked the teen in the side with it, causing him to yelp and finally look at the pouting duck. “Ack! What?”

Jack gave him a dead-pan expression and a raised eyebrow. “You just agreed to a pizza smothered in cheese with pickled peppers, pineapple, and anchovies.”

Elmo at last made an appropriately disgusted face. “I did? Gross!”

Jack chuckled at the expression and smiled a bit. “That’s more like it. You are WAY too into your electricity crap- way more than usual.” He brought his legs up onto the couch and crossed them as he looked at his friend expectantly. “Wanna tell me WATTS up?”

Elmo rolled his eyes slightly at the pun, but finally set the paper and pencil down with a sigh. “It’s just…prom’s this week and my parents keep bugging me about going.” He looked away from Jack with a slight frown. “They keep asking me which GIRL I’m going to take..” The way he emphasized the gender made it very clear exactly how his parents had been pestering him

Jack nodded in understanding with a sympathetic roll of his eyes. “Oof. That’s rough, bud.”

Elmo looked back over at Jack with an irritated sigh. “It’s so stupid- it’s just a dance. Why does it matter who I go with? Or if I even go at all?”

Jack shrugged and crossed his arms behind his head as he leaned back against the cushions. “It’s ‘cause it’s some sort of ‘sacred rite of passage into adulthood’, or some crap.”

“Who’d you go with for yours again?” Elmo asked as he leaned back more comfortably on the couch too.

“Oh, I went with Stacey Storkson- girl from my theater club.” Jack answered, recalling the blue dress the long-legged girl had picked out and the white and blue tux he’d rented. “Neither of us had a date and we got along well enough, so we went together, took a couple pictures, danced like two times, then went home. It was alright, I guess, as far as parties go.” He looked across the couch at the other boy with a raised eyebrow. “So, anyone you’re thinking about taking?”

Elmo frowned and folded his arms. “No, I don’t really talk to any girls..”

“What about boys?” Jack teased with a smirk.

Elmo shook his head in response. “I don’t really get along well enough with any of the guys at school, either…”

“Hmmm..” Jack hummed in thought, idly spinning the phone in his hand as if it were a large pencil. “Well, anyone outside of school you’d wanna take? You know- someone you’d like to ask out on a date or somethin’?”

The rat grew quiet at that, looking down at his lap with an apprehensive expression on his face. “…………”

Jack looked at him with a curious frown, noting how tense the other boy looked. “Elmo..?” He prompted carefully, not wanting to make his friend feel pressured, but genuinely curious and concerned now.

“……” Elmo took a deep breath in and let it out to calm himself, one hand nervously rubbing at his opposite arm. “There..is one guy I-I kind of..like…well, more than ‘kind of like’..that is, I mean..” He groaned, grabbed one of the throw pillows off of the sofa, and buried his face in it, hiding the growing redness that had spread over his cheeks. “..I..think I have feelings for someone…” He muttered through the fabric and stuffing, just loud enough to be heard.

“WhaaaaaAAAAAT?!” Jack shouted excitedly, bouncing from his end of the couch over to Elmo’s with a big smile. “Mo, that’s awesome!” He shook the boy’s shoulder with both hands. “You gotta ask him out!”

Elmo shook his head fervently, clinging tighter to the pillow. “I can’t..”

“Why not?” Jack tried tugging the pillow free from the rodent’s death-grip. “Just take him to prom with ya! It’s fine if he goes to another school- lots of people sneak friends in!”

Elmo frowned when Jack managed to yank the pillow away. “He..doesn’t go to another school..” He looked away, shrinking back against the couch uncomfortably under Jack’s curious gaze. “He-He finished school a while back…”

“A while ba..?” Jack’s questioned trailed off at the meaning of those words: It was an adult. “Elmo..” Jack said with a sudden tone of seriousness as he put a hand on the younger boy’s shoulder. “He hasn’t tried anything, has he?”

He felt protective fury burning in his chest- the same way it did whenever he saw Elmo hurt or bullied or threatened by someone else. He hated the idea of someone doing anything at all to hurt his best friend and would do anything it took to protect him.

Jack knew from experience that teenage years were already a confusing time for people when it came to hormones, relationships, and sex vs. love, but the whole thing was even worse for people like him and Elmo with so few options available.

In his own search for knowledge about his sexuality, he’d learned that the best sources were adults in less-than-reputable locations. Most of these people were fine to talk to, offering advice and knowledge and understanding that was harder to find in places where the light of society shined much brighter. However, there were always people that preyed upon those confused, attention-starved kids who still didn’t have quite the same grasp on the difference between genuine love and physical attraction.

The thought of Elmo being used by one of those creeps had Jack already mentally planning what weapons to bring and where he could hide a body-

“No!” Elmo’s urgent voice brought him back to the moment at hand as the rat shook his head, avoiding eye-contact with the duck beside him. “He doesn’t- I mean, I’m pretty sure he’s not aware that I..” He took a deep breath before shaking his head again. “He doesn’t know that I like him.”

“Oh, okay..” Jack relaxed his grip on the other’s shoulder, feeling a bit better now that he knew some pervert wasn’t trying to take advantage of his friend. “So, what’s he like?”

“He’s, uh..” Elmo struggled for a moment to find his words. “Well..he’s smart, for starters, a great engineer with a lot of really big and creative ideas. He’s also pretty funny- he makes me laugh a lot.” The look he gave Jack was strange, as if he was looking at him and looking through him at the same time. “He’s really kind and supportive, too…he’s always there for me when I need him…and..and..” He looked away, his face turning red as he managed to say the final piece of his description. “And he’s…he’s m-my best friend..”

Those words hit Jack HARD, making him fall back against the couch as if he’d been physically struck by them.

Wow.

Okay, that…that was a lot to take in…

Jack took a minute to collect his scattered thoughts before he sat back up to look at the nervous rodent on the other side of the couch. “So…” He had to swallow down a lump that had suddenly formed in his throat. “You’re, uh…You’re serious, huh, Mo..?”

Elmo nodded with a shaky laugh, running an anxious hand through his hair. “Y-Yeah…I am.” He took a deep breath before looking at Jack again. “So…?” He prompted, his face telling the older duck that he was prepared for whatever rejection awaited him.

Jack frowned slightly at the hurt look on the other’s face and ran a hand through his own head-feathers to collect his thoughts.

His best friend just confessed to having feelings for him and was expecting an answer. Unfortunately, he wasn’t exactly sure how he felt about the whole situation, himself.

One the one hand, he did like Elmo a lot. He was his best friend and the person who understood and connected with him better than anyone else in the whole world. He had a lot of fun with the guy and, truthfully, he wasn’t that bad in the looks department (even if he was still a bit scrawny). All things considered, if they had been the same age, Elmo was totally the kind of guy Jack would’ve made a pass at by now.

On the other hand, there was the glaring problem that they WEREN’T the same age. Jack was significantly older than his friend and had seen the kid grow up. While it was true that he always thought of the other as his equal and never his junior or something condescending like that, he was still painfully aware of the fact that he was quite a bit older than the kid, as well, and the idea of being with someone who was still, technically, a CHILD grossed him out in ways that made his feathers fluff up, even if it was his best friend.

“Okay, look,” Jack finally said after he got his thoughts sorted, looking at Elmo with a serious expression. “You’re my best friend, Mo, above everything else. BUT, you gotta admit, I’m A LOT older than you.”

Elmo glanced away with a frown and mumbled. “Seven’s not that much..”

“Eight, during the holidays.” Jack added reflexively after many years of jokes regarding how their birthdays fell throughout the year. “Anyway,” He said with a shake of his head to get back on track. “You’re still pretty young and, I get it, things are..kind of weird and confusing right now. I’ve had PLENTY of experience in that department, trust me- it’s real easy to get a crush on someone you’re close to and think it’s love when it’s really just your friggin’ hormones driving you insane.”

That, unfortunately, seemed to be the wrong thing to say, making Elmo’s frown turn into a scowl. “Seriously?” He asked when he looked back up at Jack. “You think that’s all this is? That I’m-That I’m, what? Confused? Stupid? Just that desperate to get it on with someone?”

Jack frowned at the frustrated outburst. “That’s not what I’m sayin’, Mo.”

“Yes it is!” Elmo snapped, his hands curling into fists before he crossed his arms over his chest and looked away. “You think I’m just another stupid teenager and that I don’t know what love feels like just ‘cause I’m ‘inexperienced’. Well, guess what? This isn’t something new for me: I’ve been thinking it over for at least a year now, and it’s driving me crazy!” The edges of his face softened a bit as he frowned again. “It’s not just a stupid ‘physical’ thing, Jackie..I..I actually want to be with you. It sucks and it drives me crazy, but..but everytime I see you, I just get this..I get this sort of, I don’t know, ‘bubbly’- is that the right word? Do people get ‘bubbly’?- feeling in my chest.” He closed his eyes for a moment to avoid the startled look he was getting from the duck. “I think about you being with other people, or someone messing with you, and I start plotting ways to get rid of them. Then, when I think about what I want out of life, all that really comes to mind is just being with you- working together at your company, coming back here together after work, eating dinner together, then just hanging out or falling asleep next to each other.” He took a deep breath before looking at Jack with pleading, watery eyes. “So..So don’t just tell me it’s because I’m confused or because I’m too young- I’m old enough to know that I..I love you, Jackie..” He rubbed his sleeve across his eyes to stop any tears from falling. “Even if..you don’t feel the same..” He added quietly, so softly that Jack almost didn’t catch it.

“Elmo..” Jack frowned at the absolutely heart-broken tone to his dearest friend’s voice. He hated seeing the boy in pain, and hated even more that he was partially responsible for it. Taking a deep breath himself, Jack moved closer and pulled the teenager into a comforting embrace. “I didn’t say that, did I?”

Elmo looked at him hopefully. “You mean-?”

“Ah, ah.” Jack stopped him before he could finish his question with a shake of his head. “I didn’t say that either.” He put a hand on the mammal’s head and petted him gently in a familiar, soothing motion he’d learned after years of comforting the other boy. “Look, everything you just said..well..I’d be lying if I said it didn’t sound like stuff I’d enjoy doing, too. BUT,” He interjected the word into his statement when he saw the hopeful smile starting to form on the boy’s face and tried to stop it before it got too far. “You’re still too young.” He tapped the rat on his long nose when he was about to say something. “And I don’t mean that in a ‘you’re a hormonal teenager’ way, I mean it in a ‘I could go to jail for looking at you inappropriately and would totally deserve to get the shit beaten out of me by a big guy named Brutus in the showers’ sort of way. Right now, it just feels..wrong and kind of icky to think about you like that, you know?” He reasoned with a slight shudder. “And it’s not because it’s YOU- if I’m being honest here, I’d probably have made a move on you years ago if you were in high school with me- it’s because you’re still considered a KID.”

Elmo frowned a bit and looked back down. “So..that’s a pretty hard ‘no’, huh..?” Jack flicked his forehead with a light glare. “Ow!” The rat rubbed his head and looked back up at the duck. “What?”

“Would you quit puttin’ words in my mouth?” Jack said before his glare eased slightly. “It’s not a ‘hard no’, like you said. It’s more of a ‘no for now, but maybe later’, okay?”

“You mean it?” Elmo questioned, that familiar look of suspicion that showed he felt he was just being placated on his face again.

“Yeah, I mean it.” Jack said, holding his pinky out towards the other in a familiar gesture. “We’ll give it a few years, let you get a chance to try dating other kids your own age and see if anything settles down or changes for you. If you still feel that way once you’re old enough to LEGALLY buy me a drink, then I’ll go out with you. Deal?”

Elmo looked at his hand for a few seconds before bringing his own hand up and hooking his pinky around the offered digit. “Deal.” They shook their joined hands before letting go. After a moment’s hesitation, Elmo spoke again. “Hey, Jackie..?”

“Yeah, Mo?” Jack questioned while he went to retrieve the phone from earlier.

“…We’re..” The rodent frowned slightly. “We’re still best friends…right…?”

Jack blinked and looked at the other with a dumb-struck face. “What kind of stupid question is that?” He reached over and playfully tussled the other boy’s hair with a grin. “Of course we are! No matter what happens- if we go out or don’t go out, if we go out and it works out or doesn’t work out- we’re ALWAYS gonna be best friends. Got it?”

“Got it.” Elmo answered with a relieved smile before snatching the phone from Jack. “Now let’s order a pizza that DOESN’T make me hurl.”

Jack laughed and tried to grab the phone back from him (insisting that his jalapeño and Canadian bacon pizza wasn’t THAT bad), the atmosphere between them cleared and as carefree as ever, much to the pair’s combined relief. They spent the evening eating pizza and chocolate snack cakes and watching a comedy show on TV before Elmo left for home with a casual “see you later, Jackie” while Jack gave a light-hearted “smell ya later, Mo!” in return.

However, if Jack had known that was the last day he’d see his friend, he would have said so much more…

<-Previous Chapter Next Chapter->

End Notes: So, finally hitting some more serious drama in this chapter. Sorry it’s a bit longer than the last couple, but the next one will be a bit shorter before the final chapter.

Also, sorry again if any of the subject matter in this chapter made anyone uncomfortable- anyone who reads my work will see a pattern in which I am incapable of writing characters I like/ship ending up together without going through some sort of pain/drama >_<”

#quackervolt #quackerjack #megavolt #quackerjack/megavolt #dwd #darkwing duck #childhoodfriends!AU #Playful Spark

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per-ineptia-ad-astra · 5 years

Text

Star Trek Episode 1.6: Mudd’s Women

AKA: This Is Your Brain On Venus Drugs

CONTENT WARNING: This episode contains scenes depicting an emotionally abusive relationship (sort of a proto-relationship, technically), involving one person insulting and eventually screaming in the face of another, which is very briefly described in this recap.

Alright, you remember back in Where No Man Has Gone Before when I said that that script was one of three that NBC was presented with to choose from for the second pilot? Well, this is one of the other two. It was not chosen then because the executives didn’t really like the idea of kicking off their new sci-fi show with an episode about a space pimp. Sorry, that’s a bit of inaccurate language on my part. They phrased it as ‘intergalactic pimp.’

And really, who can blame them for not liking this one? If I’d been one of those executives back then, I would have thrown this episode out too. Out a window, preferably.

But Roddenberry was never one to be deterred by questions like “are you sure this is appropriate for television” or “are you sure this is appropriate for anything really” or “why, Gene, why” so once the show was underway he pulled out the script again and got to filming. The results...well, they’re not pretty. But here we are.

Our episode begins with the Enterprise chasing down some random tiny unidentified ship that's running away from them. I dunno if they have a reason for going after this ship or if they just saw it fleeing and instinctively chased after it like a cat. Anyway, the Enterprise isn't having any trouble (for once) but the other ship is overtaxing its engines to dangerous levels. They also aren't responding to any of Uhura's hails. Incidentally, Uhura's wearing gold this episode. The Doylist reason for this is that this was one of the first episodes filmed (only the second, following the pilots) and they were still working things out (I guess ‘who wears what uniform’ wasn’t a priority in the design stage). But I like to think that Uhura just showed up in a Command uniform one day and was like, “Aw yeah, I'm taking control of this operation.”

[ID: Uhura sitting at her console, wearing a gold Command uniform.]

Rockin' it.

The two ships enter an asteroid field. The Enterprise is okay, but the little ship isn't; it's finally blown out its engines and can't use its deflectors. In real life, the asteroid belt we know of is so incredibly spread out, and has such a low total mass, that you'd have to be trying to hit something while flying through it. But who has time for real life, eh? Kirk orders Farrell at navigation to cover the ship with the Enterprise's own deflectors, even though Scotty says that will overload their engines. Kirk has them do it anyway. Of course he does.

After the titles, sure enough, the (di)lithium crystals are going one after the other, because someone didn't listen to Scotty. Scotty and Spock are trying to beam the crew of the other vessel aboard, but they're having trouble, until the ship finally sends out a distress signal at the last minute and they're able to get locked onto something. They beam aboard a man who has what I can only describe as an extremely singular sense of fashion.

[ID: A man with a handlebar mustache, a cowboy hat, a single earring, beaded blue pants, a frilly orange shirt open to the navel with a black shirt under it and a giant belt with one enormous belt buckle.]

The man introduces himself as Leo Walsh, and says there are three remaining members of his crew. He's very casual about the fact that said crew is on a ship that is blowing up faster than a marshmallow in a microwave. Meanwhile, yet another crystal has blown, leaving them on battery power. Scotty's having trouble with the transporter. Can't imagine why.

The little ship that couldn't finally goes, first being hit by an asteroid and then blowing up, but Scotty gets the remaining crew onboard in time. They turn out to be three women: one in a red dress, one in a green dress, and one in a purple...sweater...thing. The women stare seductively at the men. McCoy and Scotty stare back, transfixed. Spock looks confused. I feel ya, Spock.

After several tries, Kirk finally gets through to Scotty, and tells him to send the captain to Kirk's quarters if he can walk, and if he can't walk, send him anyway. Spock leads Walsh and the women down the corridor, and along the way everyone stops and stares at them. In the turbolift, Walsh deduces that Spock is part Vulcanian (yes, Vulcanian, they hadn't figured that one out yet either). I dunno how he figured that out since Spock is physically indistinguishable from a full Vulcan (or Vulcanian) but he does. Maybe they originally planned for full Vulcans to look more alien, I dunno. Anyway, Walsh takes that to be the reason why Spock is the only one not affected by these stunningly seductive sirens. You know how it goes, you don’t show conventional attraction, someone goes “oh, you must be an alien” only in this case it’s literal. Unsurprisingly, the same does not turn out to be the case for Kirk, who is obviously extremely taken aback when the three women and their swelling background music walk into his cabin.

Kirk is introduced to Walsh and asks if the women are his crew. No, Walsh says. They're his cargo. Um.

After the break Kirk gives a captain's log about how seriously distracting these women are and sends them out of his cabin so he can concentrate. Spock, meanwhile, may not be affected by the strange “magnetic effect” the women have, but he is clearly highly amused by all this.

[ID: Spock leaning against a doorway with his arms crossed, head tilted, eyebrows raised, and generally just looking extremely sassy. Offscreen, Kirk is saying, “...on the male members of my crew...” ]

Walsh explains to Kirk that he only evaded the Enterprise because hey, you're flying a tiny little cargo ship, giant armed starship pulls up alongside you, what are you going to do. Not run away? That’s ridiculous. Kirk isn't interested in this explanation, though, and tells Walsh that he's convening a hearing on his actions and in the meantime he'll be confined to quarters. Although first we have to find some quarters, presumably.

On the bridge, Sulu and Farrell are going on about how compelling the women are, but Scotty's distracted by his one true love: the Enterprise. Specifically, that she's in pretty bad shape: they lost two crystals and the last remaining one is cracked, and they can't fix it because, uh, they broke something else. Honestly, the amount of times this happens, you'd think they'd start keeping spare crystals onboard.

Walsh meets up with the women in a briefing room, under the watchful eyes of two redshirts who are thankfully managing to still do their jobs, unlike most of the men in this episode. The women are freaking out, pointing out that they lost their ship, they're going in the wrong direction, and now they're on trial, and what are they going to do? Walsh tries to calm them down while clumsily trying to avoid saying anything too suspicious in earshot of the security guards. In particular he tells the women not to submit to any medical checks, and cuts one of them off when she asks, “But what about the--” Then another one calls him Harry. Whoops.

Scotty explains the dire engine situation to Kirk, bitterly bemoaning that Walsh not only destroyed his own ship but screwed up the Enterprise too. He even calls Walsh a jackass. Wow, language, Scotty. You can’t swear like that in the 60s. Even if it’s the Future 60s.

So with only one crystal left, and that one with a limited lifespan since it's channeling the entire ship's power on its own, they've got no choice but to go to a nearby mining facility and pick up some more crystals. Again. It's a good thing there are so many mining facilities scattered around the galaxy for the Enterprise to plunder. At least we don't have any irritating godlike beings that we have to abandon on this one. Although there’s an irritating regular being aboard that I’m sure Kirk would be pretty eager to abandon somewhere.

In the meantime, Kirk gets the hearing underway, though not before taking a moment to complain about the hypnotic effect the women are having on all the men. He doesn't do anything about it, though (you'd think he could put bags over their heads or something, I dunno), and naturally the hearing board is comprised entirely of men. Well, at least we've got Spock here.

Spock starts up the magic computer and tells Walsh to state his name for the record. But when he does, the computer says that's incorrect. See? I told you it was magic. Under pressure, Walsh finally reveals that his real full name is Harcourt Fenton Mudd. Which is pretty great, I dunno why you'd keep that hidden. Aside from all the criminal charges. Mudd insists he doesn't have any past offenses, but the computer says that's also incorrect, and brings up a police report. Apparently he's been convicted of smuggling, transport of stolen goods, and purchase of a vessel with counterfeit currency. And his sentence was...psychiatric treatment. Wow. I bet that went well.

Kirk says Mudd is charged with piloting a ship without a flight plan or identification beam and failing to answer a starship's signal, which makes him a menace to navigation. Also he was traveling without a license. Mudd says that the real Leo Walsh was going to be the captain of the ship, but he died suddenly (hmm) and Mudd was forced to take the ship out himself. And assumed Walsh's name as a courtesy to him. That's...a pretty weird way of paying your respects.

While all this is going on, the women are distracting the men by dialing up the seduction. This is one of those instances where the medium is kind of working against itself. It's an awful lot easier to write that a woman is supernaturally, hypnotically beautiful than to show that on screen with a regular human woman in some makeup. I mean, there's just only so much you can do with a soft focus.

Kirk asks Mudd what exactly it was that he was doing anyway, and Mudd reveals that he recruits wives for settlers. In other words, he's essentially running a mail-order bride company. Well, I doubt that it's any kind of legitimate company, but you get my drift.

The impetus for this whole thing is that Star Trek was conceived as a space western (wagon train to the stars!), and settlers in the wild west advertising for wives to come join them was a common thing, so they were playing off that. Apparently at no point did it occur to anybody that wholesale transplanting societal elements of the wild west into a space show taking place in the ENLIGHTENED FUTURE was not, perhaps, the best idea. So we get...this whole thing, and trust me, it only gets worse as the episode goes on.

No one really reacts to this revelation very much, although that's perhaps not surprising considering no one really reacted to Mudd referring to the women as his cargo earlier. Kirk asks the magic computer for information on the women. It doesn't have any, so he asks it to turn the sensor probe on them. The computer says it doesn't get anything from the women, but then it goes on to volunteer the information that the male crew members are all showing signs of, well, arousal. Seriously, it just says this entirely of its own volition. That is one passive-aggressive computer.

Kirk finally gets around to asking if the women are here voluntarily, and Mudd says of course they are—and this time the magic computer doesn't contradict him so he's probably telling the truth. We also finally get some names for them: Ruth in the green dress, Eve in the red dress, and Magda in the purple thing. Eve talks about how they all came from planets with no, or very few, men, and she personally had a miserable existence keeping house for her two brothers with little more than automated farm machines for company. And that does sound pretty rough! So instead, they're going to...go keep house for husbands on frontier planets with little more than automated machines for company. But that's better, because, uh...something. Eve at least does call the guys out on spending the entire episode ogling the three of them, but it's not going to get much better.

Kirk plans to hand Mudd over to the authorities for illegally operating a vessel. The women aren't being charged, but they're kinda stuck and not getting where they want to go. Eve begs Kirk to help them, but he puts her off (and addresses her by her last name, although that was never brought up—evidence grows for Kirk being able to read minds) and then gets distracted by the last crystal blowing out. So now they're running entirely on battery power. Great.

Mudd sees this as a golden opportunity, because now he has new husbands to offer the women: the miners that they're going to see on Rigel-12. The miners are lonely and isolated and, apparently, quite rich, so Mudd sees them as prime candidates. He exults to the women about how rich they're going to be, and says that he is going to be running the Enterprise and Kirk will soon be taking orders from him. I...don't know how he plans to accomplish that, but he seems pretty confident.

Kirk has Mudd confined to his quarters, but the women are free to roam around the ship seducing the men. Only men are mentioned: all of the men are affected, and none of the women are. Because here on the Enterprise we only have straight people, apparently.

Ruth stops by Sickbay to pester McCoy, not that he's real upset about this. As she walks by one of the scanners, it wigs out and starts beeping and flashing dots. Like Scotty and his warp engines, if there's one thing that can distract McCoy under any circumstances it's medicine, so his attention is quickly drawn to that and he asks Ruth to walk by it again. She does, and it does the same thing. McCoy says it's not supposed to do that. Well I would hope not, because it's not very helpful. He asks if she's wearing some weird perfume or anything radioactive. “Ah, yes, my uranium necklace, I forgot about that.”

With that mystery unresolved, Kirk walks into his quarters to find Eve stretched out on his bed. Seriously people, put some locks on your doors or something. Eve says she was taking a walk but had to find a place to duck into because all the men were staring at her. Which would make me want to hide too, but not in the captain's quarters. Anyway, Kirk and Eve have some typical Star Trek cheesy romantic dialogue, but it takes an unexpected turn when Eve suddenly pulls away and declares that she can't do this, no matter what Mudd says, and she hates the whole thing. Then she storms off, leaving Kirk looking pretty perplexed, since this is not how these things usually go for him.

Mudd is gathering intel from Magda and Ruth, who between them have found out that there are three miners on Rigel-12, that they're all young and healthy, and that their leader is named Ben Childress. Mudd's pretty happy with his plans so far, but then Eve comes in and starts to chew him out. She doesn't get very far, though, stricken with some sudden affliction that has her leaning against the wall and moaning about how it must be near the time. Oh my god, they're werewolves! Nah, probably not. That would actually be interesting.

Up on the bridge, Kirk is getting irritated at having to deal with his seriously distracted crew. He asks if McCoy examined Eve, but McCoy says she refused. Which surprises Kirk, because it's not like McCoy usually lets that stop him. The two of them have a conversation about the mysterious women, with McCoy wondering if they really are actually that beautiful or if there's something else going on. He briefly considers the possibility that they might be “alien illusions.” Keep in mind this was only the third episode filmed, so it's pretty impressive that the characters have already started to identify what will be running themes in their lives.

Anyway, for now McCoy doesn't manage to do anything but confuse both Kirk and himself. Meanwhile, Magda has acquired a communicator, which Mudd uses to contact Rigel-12. Speaking of Rigel-12, the Enterprise has finally reached it, but Spock says they can only sustain their orbit for three days. I feel like that's not how orbits work, but what do I know.

In Mudd's cabin, he's frantically searching for something in a chest of drawers, while the women look on desperately, for you see, they are becoming...less attractive. Well, kind of. Ruth looks a bit haggard, but Magda just kinda looks like her hair's a bit messed up, and Eve mostly looks tired. But they’re no longer in soft focus, a terrible fate for any TOS woman.

[ID: Ruth, a white woman with long, somewhat frizzled black hair and some shadows under her eyes, holding her hands up to her chin with an anguished expression and saying, “Look at my face.” ]

The women are demanding some kind of pills, which Mudd seems to have misplaced, although Eve calls them a cheat anyway. Eventually Mudd finds them under the mattress and gives a couple to Ruth and Magda. (They dry swallow them. Ew.) He has to talk Eve into taking one, though. Magda and Ruth are seeing the effects already: Ruth's complexion has cleared up and Magda's hair has magically done itself. Mostly, though, we know that they've gone from Unattractive to Attractive because their sultry background music is back. Eve looks at the pill in her hand unhappily, but we don't see her take it.

Spock, in a rare and rather bizarre case of sentimentalism, is looking over a spent crystal and musing that it's beautiful and it's a shame it had to be destroyed. Spock's not interested in superpowerfully beautiful women, but he appreciates a good shiny rock. Kirk points out that it was a choice between destroying the crystal or destroying Mudd's ship. Except his ship got destroyed anyway so that didn't work out real well all around.

The miners come in to chat with Kirk. He says he's authorized to pay them well for the crystals, but Childress, the head dude, says the miners might be looking to swap instead. What, is this a barter economy now? “Alright, I'll pay you ten chickens for each crystal.”

Actually, it turns out the miners want the women. But of course, they want to take a look at them first to see if they're to the miners' liking, so Childress tells Kirk to “trot them out.” Jesus fucking Christ, have we turned into a slave market over here? What is wrong with you people?

Oh, and Childress says that he's agreed to have the charges on Mudd dropped. How he has the authority to do this is not explained. I guess he has a lot of money, but that paints a depressing view of the enlightened future if people are still capable of just buying their way out of things. Kirk is so surprised and perplexed by all this that he bursts out laughing, while Spock just kind of sits down with a 'here we go' look on his face. Kirk says there's no deal, but Childress says without the women there'll be no crystals. Kirk starts to point out that not cooperating with the Federation could backfire pretty badly on the miners, but before he can get too far Mudd bursts in with all three women in tow. Kirk's desperate attempt to cut all this off is halted by the lights dimming, a sign that they're on half battery power now. Mudd points out that Kirk's got no choice: he needs those crystals or he's not going anywhere except into a rapidly decaying orbit and eventually the planet's surface.

After the break, Kirk, Spock and Mudd beam down to the planet to deal with the miners. It's a pleasant looking place, really the kind of planet you'd like to spend your whole life on.

[ID: A rocky, desolate, wind-blasted landscape, with a pinkish sky and three small domed buildings sticking up from the rocks, barely visible through air filled with dust. Offscreen, Kirk is saying, “Transporting down to surface of planet Rigel-12...” ]

Inside the nearby living unit, which looks bizarrely like a cave from the inside, Ruth and Magda are paired off with a couple miners, giggling and stroking their shoulders and doing that kind of thing, while Eve is sitting unhappily in a corner. Kirk admits to Childress that he's won, he'll make the deal, now can he please have some crystals. Childress smirks at him that he'll get the crystals when he has time, because they're busy now. Listen, you smug jackass, you want a half-mile long spaceship loaded with extremely explosive fuel to crash into your planet? That'd do your mining operation a whole lot of good, wouldn't it?

Childress tries to chat up Eve, to little avail. The other miners start to dance with Magda and Ruth, but Eve declines Childress's offer, causing him to stomp across the room and pull Ruth away from her partner. Which causes another miner to pull Magda away from her partner. Poor Eve, meanwhile, looks absolutely miserable, hunched over by the wall on the verge of tears. When a fight breaks out among the miners, Eve runs over to the door, screams, “Why don't you just hold a raffle and the loser gets me?!” and then runs outside. This is bad because Rigel-12 sucks at the best of times, but right now a magnetic storm's kicking up and the dust is even worse than usual. Childress yells at Kirk that if he goes outside he'll be killed but, come on, like that's ever stopped Kirk.

Kirk and Eve stumble dramatically through the rocks, and Childress comes out after them, gaping uselessly. You'd think the miners at least would have, like, goggles and breath masks, but nope. Anyway, they can't find Eve, and then Childress gets lost too, so Kirk goes back up to the Enterprise to try and find them with their scanners, but the magnetic storm is causing interference and they're not having much luck. Unfortunately this is draining the batteries even faster, so now they only have about five hours of power left. GEE, IF ONLY SOMEONE HAD DELIVERED THE CRYSTALS LIKE THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO.

Down on the planet, Childress has found Eve and carried her back inside. But the magnetic storm has caused communications to go down, so he can't tell the Enterprise that. Although he probably wouldn't anyway, cause he's a jerk. Eventually, with only about forty minutes of power left, they locate lifesigns in Childress's quarters and go to beam down.

Inside, Childress wakes up from an uncomfortable bench-nap to find Eve cooking. He complains that she moved stuff; she says that she did some chores for him. Then he complains that he does his own cooking. Then when he tastes it he says his cooking is better. Then, when Eve says his pan was super crusted and gross, he says he couldn't wash it because they don't have any decent water (what do they drink?) Eve finally gets him to shut up by saying he could hang the pans outside and get them sand-blasted clean. He rolls his eyes at this, but later we see him doing it. I dunno how well that would work since this world seems to be more dusty than sandy, but at least it made Childress stop talking.

Now, I’m only a struggling milennial myself, so forgive my naivete, but what in the goddamn hell is the point of being so rich if you’re living like this? All throughout the episode we’re told that the miners are incredibly wealthy, yet they’re living in absolutely hideous conditions that they clearly don’t enjoy. If they’re so rich, why not make some other people do all the work and suffering for them? That’s what rich people usually do, to my understanding.

Anyway, inside, Eve is playing Double Jack (whatever that is) with round cards, because this is THE FUTURE. Childress quickly goes back to his charming ways, first saying she's not even good company, then asking what happened to her looks, because oh my God, a woman who's been through a dust storm doesn't look astoundingly glamorous, how dare she. He gets right up in her face, screaming about how ugly she looks and how he's so rich he could buy queens, because I guess all women are for sale in this universe.

Thankfully, this display is interrupted by Kirk and Mudd coming in. Childress is quick to say that he didn't touch Eve. Well, that makes everything alright then. Emotional abuse, pshaw.

Kirk demands that Mudd tell Childress the truth about something called the Venus Drug. Mudd splutters that it's actually a relatively harmless drug, it just turns you into a toxic wasteland full of sulfuric acid. Oh no, sorry, Venus like the god, not Venus like the planet. Actually, Mudd says, the drug “gives you more of whatever you have.” Men get more aggressive and muscular, women get rounder and more feminine. I'm not making this up, that's literally what he says. I’m so sorry.

Childress is absolutely horrified to discover that all the women are naturally as shockingly hideous as Eve, and asks what happened to his partners, in a tone that suggests that he thinks the women ate them. Kirk says they've already gotten married by subspace radio, causing Childress to flip out and try to attack Mudd, but Kirk pulls him back and says that the marriages were frauds so the miners can get out of it. I guess no-fault divorce doesn’t exist in the enlightened future.

Childress splutters about the injustice of how he went out to rescue a woman who dares to look slightly less pretty than she did previously. And I mean, Eve looks pretty much exactly the same except her hair isn't brushed and she has less makeup on. That's it. That's literally it. This whole thing would be just as stupid no matter what she looked like, but Childress is acting like she grew horns and her skin fell off.

[ID: Eve, a white woman with long and slightly messy blonde hair and dressed in a sparkly pink sleeveless dress, looking tiredly at the camera.]

Eve's finally had enough and screams at Childress that he doesn't want a wife, he wants the perfect ideal of a woman exemplified by the Venus Drug. To prove this to him, she gulps down three of them at once, then, after a long pause, turns around. Gasp! Her makeup and coiffed hair and sultry background music are back. She asks if this is what Childress really wants—not a real wife to cook and sew for him (as all wives do) but someone who's “selfish, vain, useless.” Childress bitterly muses that such a woman is only “a fake, pumped up by a drug” but then Kirk reveals that actually, no—they replaced the real Venus Drug with a placebo. Believing that she had taken the drug was enough to make Eve beautiful, because confidence and self-esteem will do your hair and makeup for you.

At any rate, Kirk's tired of giving DARE programs to bit characters and tells Childress he better hand over the crystals before the Enterprise crashes into this lovely little domestic scene. Childress finally concedes the crystals and, when Spock asks how many people are beaming up, he says that Eve can stay with him. How generous. Eve agrees, although not terribly enthusiastically, so Kirk and Mudd head out, with a bit of snarking first.

Back on the ship they've finally got things working again, and Spock says he's glad this whole business is over, calling it “a most annoying emotional episode.” Yeah, you and me both, Spock.

There's so much awfulness going on in this episode I don't even know where to start. You have the constant objectification of the women by everyone from the cast to the camera. You have the way the women are treated like property to be traded, examined, and discarded for being faulty. You have immediate shock and horror if the women are ever anything but perfectly made-up and appealing. Even Eve's whole speech to Childress at the end is bad; first, when she accuses him of not really wanting a wife, she frames the idea of a wife not as being an equal partner but as being someone useful to their husband. Then, rather than pointing out that the effects of the Venus Drug only make for a fake, unrealistically idealized idea of a woman, she says that the problem is that any woman that beautiful would automatically be selfish, vain, and useless. It comes off less as “you should look at women as real people and not walking pinup girls meant only to fulfill your desires” and more “you should try to attain a woman that's useful to you rather than focusing on looks alone.”

And then you have the implicit assumption throughout the entire episode that every woman needs a man. The circumstances the women originally came from don't sound real great and you wouldn't blame them for wanting to get away from that, but the emphasis is not on them wanting to leave because the situation was lousy, it's them wanting to leave because there were no men. And what is a woman supposed to do without a man to marry? The women are so desperate to have husbands, any husbands, that they place themselves in the hands of a sleazy conman to get delivered to men they've never met—men whose identities are so inconsequential that the women don't care when they're replaced on the fly. At the end the women are all back to living in pretty shitty circumstances. No one would want to live on Rigel-12! It sucks! You're stuck in tiny, cave-like dwellings with few resources, not even enough water to do dishes, half the time you can't go outside and the other half the time you wouldn't want to! Oh, and to top it off, the episode ends with Eve staying with a man who was literally screaming emotional abuse into her ear ten minutes ago. Are we honestly supposed to believe this is a happy ending for anyone? But it's all okay now because they have husbands, so their roles as women are fulfilled. And I’m sure that Childress will go from being a horrible sexist jerk to a good partner now that he’s been shouted at for five minutes.

And the whole thing just...doesn't make sense. We're clearly supposed to believe that the Venus Drug has some kind of real, tangible effect. The women spend most of the episode having a siren-like effect on every man they encounter. And while Magda and Eve never went much beyond having messy hair, they at least put enough makeup on Ruth when she was off the drug to make a clear physical change take place. But at the end it turns out that it was just...self-confidence? Or something? Self-confidence so strong it can do your hair and makeup for you? Heck, what about Ruth setting off McCoy's medical scanner? That never gets explained. Or the fact that taking the Venus drug is apparently enough to qualify for fraud, judging by what Kirk said about those divorces.

The only thing this episode has going for it (aside from Spock's expressions) is Harry Mudd himself, in large part thanks to Roger C. Carmel's gleefully over the top acting. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to defend him as a person—but you don't have to be a great person to make for a great character. And in a weird, paradoxical kind of way, there's something I find enjoyably different about Mudd as a character. TOS tends to take place on a pretty large scale—its antagonists are usually serious threats, when they're not incomprehensibly powerful, while its protagonists are called upon to be heroes fighting for peace and life and human ideals. There's nothing wrong with that, it works for the show, but it's kind of nice to occasionally run into an antagonist who's not threatening entire planets, just doing small-time crime to make a quick buck. It makes the world feel more fleshed out, like things are still going on at other levels than we usually see. Our heroes may be dealing with godlike beings and scary monsters and philosophical quandaries, but out there in the galaxy people are still living their fairly normal lives. And some of those people suck, because they're people and that's how people work. I just wish they could have had him running a less incredibly cringe-inducing con.

The other thing I like about Mudd is his interactions with Kirk. He really brings out Kirk's sarcastic, impatient side, and it's a lot of fun to watch. Kirk is immediately 100% done the moment Mudd walks into the room, but normally when Kirk gets fed up with a situation he has to rein it in to be diplomatic or captain-like or cool under pressure or whatever. He has no such need to hold it back with Mudd, so he just gets to be as snarky as he wants and it's wonderful.

TREK TROPE TALLY: None this time--crew death count for this episode is, once again, zero, unless someone died of embarrassment offscreen. Next time we'll get back onto firm pondering-the-nature-of-humanity ground with What Are Little Girls Made Of?

#star trek #star trek TOS #star trek season one #1.6 Mudd's Women #recap tag #star trek TOS recaps #1.6 Mudd's Women recap

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wherefancytakesme · 6 years

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Legend of the Three Caballeros thoughts:

I finished. Honestly overall, it was fun, but I wanna break it up into pros, cons, and my hopes for improvement next season.

Pros- -They throw in a lot of tidbits about different cultures. True, they end up making them a crazy supernatural version of what everything really is (that’s even cooler though kinda), but I’m surprised they knew about specific kinds of yokai, and what the word “eejit” is. There’s one culture in particular they do overlook, but I’ll get to that.

-Sometimes the humor is actually really smart and funny.

-The fact that they’ve said they’re not birds throws me the frick off?? Like, I guess it’s like how Hello Kitty’s not a “cat”, and actually? In spite of it being a joke, that’s a pretty interesting thing to touch on.

-The idea of the story itself is pretty badass.

-In the end, they do sort out everything I was worried they’d forget about; the story remembers where it went and where it’s going (for the most part).

-I know this counts as more culture, but they did end up getting a Mexican to voice Panchito again, so that’s nice.

-The ending was honestly really satisfying.

-Daisy’s nieces are awesome.

-The score is pretty good too (mostly because hearing all those different renditions of the Caballeros’ theme song was pretty great).

-The designs on everything are pretty good.

-I liked the coloring.

-They remembered some of the Don Rosa lore, and some other stuff from old Disney, and that was a fun throwback.

-They did actually mention “Ari” is an Aracuan bird (at first I thought they went “Eh, kids won’t be able to pronounce that.”).

-Speaking of, props to them for keeping the original scream he makes.

-Honestly Sheldgoose and Feldrake’s fighting with eachother was the one bit of cheesy humor I actually enjoyed. Kinda reminded me of the Disney Afternoon shows involving the Disney Ducks.

-The theme song is pretty dang awesome. It’s just their old theme from the movie revamped for an adventure show, but man do they make it work. Did you know the melody of that song is from an old Mexican movie tune called “Ay, Jalisco no te rajes”?

Cons- -I don’t like what they did with Daisy at all. Disney makes her 1-dimensional and mean a lot of the time, and unfortunately this was one of those times. She was never mad at Donald for the right reasons, and when she finally did have a reason, they didn’t address it properly until the end. April, May, and June were extremely smart and cool for typical “girl” side-characters, why can’t she be?

-Speaking of Donald, the mention of him having an anger problem came out of nowhere (for his circumstances in this show at least). His life was absolutely miserable through no fault of his own, so of course that’s going to make him angry. But everyone kept telling him it was his fault and that’s unfair. Then out of nowhere, he actually is irrationally angry at everything. It could have been written better. They kinda had that out-of-the-blue-problem thing with some other chars too. *AHEMXANDRAAHEM*

-This is my biggest personal nitpick. José is from Brazil, which is a Portuguese-speaking country, meaning it’s not Hispanic. Therefore, his name is not pronounced the way it normally is in Spanish; It’s Zho-zay. This show isn’t the only Disney program to make this mistake though. Ever since he came back in the 90s, his name has been pronounced Ho-say, so I guess people have gotten it into their heads that’s how it is. I wish this weren’t the case though, because I don’t believe that literally no one has mentioned this to any execs. I thought an awesome idea of a show like this one would be the one to break the mold, but I guess not. It mostly bugs me because, as I’ve said before, it means you’re lumping in one Latino culture with another just because Mexico is closer to the US. Brazil is the one LA country that speaks a Latino language besides Spanish, guys! Also, he’s voiced by the White Pantera guy; a Canadian imitating a Mexican. Come on, guys, you can do better than that if you already found a Mexican for Panchito! I always felt that if you don’t wanna pronounce his name properly every time, just call him Joe, like they did in the 40s.

-Speaking of José and Panchito, I personally don’t like entirely where they went with their characters in this version. To be fair, I think they’re sort of mashing up different versions of them from other renditions, like Zé in the Brazilian comics and Joe from the 40s films, and Donald from his shorts and the more harmlessly angry version in the kids’ stuff now, but honestly I think I’d like it if they reversed Joe and Pancho’s personalities; if Joe was more adorably derpy and Pancho was more oblivious and flirtatious. That goes for their voices as well. I prefer the higher voiced Joe and the lower voiced Pancho.

-One other teeny tiny thing about Panchito: I wish that signature grito he has in the show didn’t sound so fake. (“Ya-woooo!” Huh??)

-While I’m at it, I can’t say his original last name was accurate (Pistoles isn’t a real word), I can’t say I like how Disney adopted the long-ass name they gave him in House of Mouse either. Gonzales at least is a pretty boring name. Also House of Mouse is the WEIRDEST PLACE to establish canon from (the song where they made up his name is also a bit culturally inaccurate in the first place)...

-Even though sometimes the humor makes me actually laugh, most of the time, it’s far, far too cheesy and childish for me.

-My overall feeling when I wasn’t enjoying the show was that I was sacrificing quality just to see my favorite trio, and that’s not a happy feeling.

-Their songs (or at least the timing of them) weren’t the best, and they bored me a little.

-The follow-up from the first episode could have been executed better; far less like a “Okay we’re here now, cool? Cool”.

-The animation could be better; It’s a little cheap and puppety (can’t blame them though, there doesn’t seem to be much leeway with the staff budget-wise).

-There are some plot holes here and there. Technical ones.

-Little nitpick, going back to the aracuan: His noises could have been better/funnier, apart from the scream which was perfect.

-I’m reeeeeally really tired of the because-they’re-classic-cartoons-and-not-the-main-characters-they’re-dumb-as-a-post-to-what’s-going-around-them thing. I honestly think it’s far funnier when modern shows break that trope and go “Yeah, what’d you think, they WEREN’T going to notice that giant bear running around the restaurant, or hear what the main is muttering?”.

-When you read the show’s bible, you can kind of see where the flaws in character writing are. They’re trying a bit too hard to fit an age group, and are returning a bit too much to the classic cartoons’ characterization. Those were random shorts, with completely different settings, and some archetypes just can’t be done anymore.

-The show hasn’t even aired yet and Disney’s giving it the short end of the stick. As a Wander Over Yonder fan, I know that pain all too well.

-Overall it could be a better show, and for how awesome the idea is, it’s disappointing that they couldn’t make it just as awesome off-paper.

Hopes for improvement next season- -Represent *AHEM* certain characters a bit better. P-L-E-A-S-E be the first Disney show in decades to pronounce his name right at the very least, PLEASE.

-Treat the characters much much better.

-Make every episode as fun and as fair as the finale.

-Make the humor more universal.

-If the writers write something THEY think is cool! It’s not impossible to write kids’ shows that way. All that humor I actually liked? You could tell those were jokes written for THEM!

-If it’s possible, maybe cut out some of the boy-girl romance that seems to be randomly stuck in. Why did independent Xandra need a hot guy in that one episode? (I also feel like Pancho and Joe don’t need no chick.) Nothing unnecessary! Only fun! >:3c

-More cultural tidbits would be great!

-Disney gives it the space to grow, so it can become the show I never knew I needed; The Three Caballeros in a kickass adventure series with everything inbetween!

#legend of the three caballeros #three caballeros #josé carioca #panchito pistoles #donald duck #not woy #daisy duck #april may and june #mild swears #It looks like there are a lot more cons than pros but I just wrote longer sentences for the former #I can't think of any more tags...

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seyaryminamoto · 6 years

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While I most certainly don’t see Azula as any sort of angel, I find it pretty laughable when people put her on the same end of the evilness spectrum as guys like Frieza or Palpatine. Not only is it inaccurate towards her, it’s a disservice to the other guys too. In what universe would Palpatine mentally break down over losing an ally.... that man would fry them with force lighting or chop their head off with his lightsaber. Or am I just taking crazy pills?

Well, can’t say you’re not taking crazy pills :’D but in a sense, you’re not wrong.

People often claim Azula is the greatest villain on TV, and I personally have no problem agreeing with that, but I guess the definition of what makes a quality villain really fluctuates for people. Some want villains who are complex, nuanced, with good motivations to be who they are, with potential for development, with good storylines that not only explore them properly but also hint at much more than there is on the surface.

And some people just want villains to be bad. That’s literally it. Nothing more to it.

Either thing is fine by me, there’s no need to get tyrannical about what people should consider a quality villain, but I obviously prefer the first thing. Another point I’d add for what makes a quality villain is what I’ve expanded on in other asks and posts: villains have to feel like they’re genuine threats, like they really can defeat the good guys. Azula actually won in Book 2′s finale, and while it was easy to predict she wouldn’t pull that off a second time, when she did that everyone was floored because that’s not how you expect things to go for the heroes. I mean, sure, it’s been done before, but you still don’t see it coming. And she’s, to date, the only Avatar villain who ever did something like that.

Freezer was a very threatening bad guy, he’s the entire reason the Saiyans were wiped out, and watching him fight against Goku was incredibly tense because of the stakes involved (the fight was excessively long, too, I don’t even know how many episodes that lasted and I’m kind of afraid to ask…). He didn’t need Azula’s complexities to be a satisfactory villain, he just needed to represent a genuine threat and he did.

The same can be said for Palpatine, he’s controversial as a villain and constantly upstaged by Vader (truthfully, Azula is more of a Vader than a Palpatine, not because she was a good cutiepie once and got corrupted or anything like that, but because Vader was the one fighting the heroes on every film while Palpatine was the guy on the throne, and Ozai is the guy on the throne throughout the show, Azula is the one fighting the heroes from Book 2 onwards). But regardless of opinions on his character, Palpatine achieved more or less the same things Freezer and Azula did: he beat the good guys and virtually destroyed their hopes, forcing them to fall back, gather their strength and try again (and in Palpatine’s case, it took around two decades for the rebellion to defeat him, so that’s one hell of a punch he dealt to the forces of goodness).

The magnitude of their crimes, of course, is different. I have no idea just how many sick things Palpatine commanded to do, how many people he got killed other than the majority of the Jedi Order, but it’s easy to imagine how bad he could get; and Freezer went about his life destroying races and planets. Azula… she was certainly acting on the behalf of a conquering nation, but as I’ve pointed out soooo many times, she never really killed anyone even if she triumphed in Ba Sing Se. She still won, of course, but she didn’t win by wiping out the entire city (which she really could have done, the Fire Nation army came to occupy Ba Sing Se later on, we were shown as much, so she really could’ve commanded them to make some gruesome purge of Ba Sing Se and massacre their people… then, maybe, she would be on par with the other two in some way).

But anyways… basically, we’re talking about two completely different types of characters whose achievements were, in some ways, similar. Ultimately, Azula shatters because she is human, and she’s fourteen-years-old, and the weight of her failures and loneliness end up destroying her. Freezer and Palpatine? They were never designed to be “humanized villains”, to put it in some way. They were designed to be the ambitious villains who want power and to destroy everything that tries to stand in their path (or everything they have no use of). They weren’t supposed to care about anything other than themselves and their lust for power, whereas Azula, against her upbringing and wishes, did. And thus… Azula shattered.

Is it a disservice to Palpatine and Freezer to be compared to a fourteen-year-old girl? Eh, you could think that. I, personally, think it’s much more interesting when a villain has reasonable motives to be who they are, rather than just wanting UNLIMITED POWAAAH!, but that’s a matter of tastes and, well, experiences. Evil people like Palpatine are real, they exist: without going too far, quite a lot of those kinds of people are currently governing my country. Might be why I’m so much more interested in villains who have motivations beyond wanting power or money or what-have-you. But the point is…

Yeah, it’s pretty ridiculous to compare Azula to those guys. As usual, it’s short-sighted and a very blatant attempt to dehumanize her when the show actually very strongly implied otherwise (hell, the showrunners and creators all have spoken about Azula not being completely evil, so it’s not only true within the show but outside it too). And indeed, it’s relatively insulting to say Palpatine and Freezer were on the same level as a fourteen-year-old who shattered when things in her life stopped being exactly what she wanted them to be. But fandoms will be fandoms, eh? They see whatever they want to see.

#anon #... and I was going to give you a quick answer #welp #oops #sorry this is ten eons late #everything is ten eons late in my life lately

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ilovelocust · 6 years

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The Price Of Flowers - Chap 4

Note: This is the longest chapter so far, but there wasn’t a good place to break it up. Everything kind of flowed into the next part, so you get extra to read. Enjoy all. Poor Keith though, this is the start of things going down hill for him.

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Chapter Four - Is Love Enough?

Shiro had once told him that riding behind another guy could be a bit awkward for other men. Something about too much chest to back contact involved to hold on properly, making it weird. Shiro had never minded because he’d take any excuse to put his hands on Keith, but other guys, especially those who felt a bit insecure, might care quite a bit.

Thankfully, Lance wasn’t one of those guys. When Keith offered to drive him to the “thing”, sparing him having to ask Hunk to borrow his car again. Lance had agreed with enthusiasm. He’d texted Keith back with the address immediately, along with a time to stop by.

Which is how he ended up here, pulling up in front of the little house Lance and Hunk rented together. Keith kills the motor and kicks down his kickstand. Dropping his helmet on a handle before walking up the scraggly lawn. There was an unfamiliar car parked beside Hunk’s in the driveway. Company? Maybe that’s why Hunk had to abandon all his plans with Lance this week.

Like college housing everywhere, no one bothered to insulate when the residents couldn’t afford to move somewhere better anyways. A heated argument, no, no one sounds angry, more like a very loud impassioned discussion, drifts through the walls as Keith approaches. Most is lost to indistinctness, but the words “doesn’t work” “treatment” and “it will” were clear enough. Keith knocks extra hard on the door. He has no intentions of invading their privacy.

“He’s here!” Someone shouts, followed by the sound of thumping as someone rushes to the entrance. Lance throws open the door with a smile, “You made it!” Lance says stepping out and shutting the door quickly behind him. Keith only gets one look at Hunk’s pinched expression before his view is blocked, “Are you ready to go?” Lance says, already stepping off the front porch and heading out to the street.

Keith spins around and hurries to catch up, “You’re excited,” Keith observes. He’s pretty interested too, ever since he found out Lance’s thing was actually the space exhibition being put on by the local museum, but Lance looks half a beat from just running there himself.

“I’ve been looking forward to this for a while,” Lance says, picking up the spare helmet Keith had strapped to the back of his bike. The helmet is black, much like his own, except with a purple stylized kitten head on its back. His own has the same design in red. He and Shiro had bought them as a matching pair, after Shiro insisted on replacing his old ratty one. There may have been some commentary in there about Keith reminding Shiro of a cat, but even someone like Shiro was allowed to be wrong sometimes.

“Well I’ll make sure to get you there on time,” Keith clips his own helmet on and throws a leg over his bike. Without a moment’s hesitation, Lance slides in behind him. Wrapping his arms around Keith’s waist and holding on tight. Lance always does that, like he’s scared of falling off or something, “I’m pretty good at this, you don’t have to worry,” Keith assures him.

“I’m not worried,” Lance says. Not worried eh? Keith guns the engine, streaking off down the street. Lance shrieks, and Keith, well, good thing the helmet hides his grin.

It’s Friday afternoon, so the exhibit is pretty crowded. He’s grateful Lance’s pre-ordered tickets have them walking straight past the long line waiting outside to the exhibit proper. Absolutely nothing looks fun about sitting in line with a bunch of bored kids.

The inside of the exhibit is something else. Whoever put this thing together deserves a promotion. There isn’t one little dinky room set aside with a moon rock or two. The museum has dedicated a whole section to the display. Little signs point towards the various areas of interest, from the things astronomers had learned from the Hubble Telescope to the possibility of someday colonizing Mars. There is so much to see.

“So where do you want to go first?” Lance asks, stepping in close to Keith. Their shoulders bump with proximity, but in this crush of people it’s the only thing keeping them from getting seperated.

Keith examines his options carefully, but truly there is only one answer he was ever going to give. Something he has dreamed about since he was a child, and still does hope to accomplish some day. Keith’s face splits into a huge grin, a kid set free in the candy store, “Astronauts.”

Lance shakes his head, “You would,” Lance says, smiling almost fondly. He reaches for Keith, hesitates for a moment, then grabs Keith’s wrist, “Come on mullet, let’s go read about people that have heads even further out in space than you.” With a tug, they are off. Zig zagging through the crowd towards the first exhibit.

The exhibit is designed to progress through time. Guiding its viewer through the story of mankind’s trip to somewhere beyond the earth it was born on. It begins with Cosmo the first mammal in space, onto Neil Armstrong, to the first probe on Mars. Their journey temporarily stops at that portion of the exhibit, while Keith gets the chance to show off a lifetime of collected trivia to a group of excited six years olds. If there parents hadn’t come to collect them, he’d have happily stayed there most the day. It’s rare to find people outside of Shiro, who find what he has to say interesting.

It’s when they are leaving that display, heading towards a life sized model of a modern astronaut’s living quarters, that things start to get weird. Lance has been holding onto Keith wrist off an on for pretty much the entire time they’ve been here. Ostensibly, he’s doing so that they won’t get separated while wandering, but it’s while waiting behind the other patrons, that Lance does something strange. They’re standing in line and then Lance is slipping his hand down from Keith’s wrist to catch Keith’s hand with his own.

Keith stops trying to peek around the corner to get an early look, and glance down at their joined hands, “Umm, what are you doing?” Keith asks. He’s not the most socially aware, but he’s 99% certain this is a weird thing for male friends to do.

Lance’s looks away sheepishly, like he just got caught with his hand in the cookie jar, but he doesn’t move to change his grip, “It was getting a bit awkward to be holding your wrist all the time. I kinda looked like some control freak boyfriend scared to let you walk free,” Lance explains.

Maybe, he could see how they might give off that image, people thought all sorts of strange things, but the new grip was giving those people an equally inaccurate portrayal of their relationship, “Well, we’re in line now, so you don’t really need to hang onto me at all,” Keith says, shaking off Lance’s hand.

“I guess,” Lance says, rubbing the back of his head, “It was kinda nice though?” Lance looks up at Keith with expectant eyes.

Keith blanks. Nice? What did? Just what? “Uh, ok,” Keith says instead of anything more meaningful. The space before them opens and Keith seizes the distraction, “Hey look, it’s our turn. I’ve always wanted to go inside one of these,” Keith says hurriedly, stepping into the model.

If Lance is disappointed by Keith’s non-answer, Keith isn’t looking to see it, “Look at these beds, can you imagine having to sleep strapped in every night?” Keith says, trying to get them back on track for their fun evening.

“They must end up having pretty strange dreams,” Lance replies without enthusiasm.

“And here is where they store the freeze dried food. I loved this stuff as a kid, Dad used to buy it for me when he went into town,” Keith says without thinking, and now the awkwardness is being pushed back by memories of a time long gone. Dad’s old pickup rattling down the dirt road leading to their tin roofed shack. Hollering out for Keith to come help with their meager groceries, that still always managed to have a treat sneaked in for Keith.

He must stay quiet a moment too long, “They probably sell some in the gift shop.” Lance’s voice breaks the chain of memories, “I could buy you some if you like?” Lance offers, from right beside him. When did Lance step so close?

Keith shakes his head, “Nah, it fine,” He says, stepping out of the model. It’s lost a bit of its charm for the moment. Outside is there is a presentation on some of the challenges of space travel, with little graphs and pictures. A good diversion for his thoughts.

It’s pure chance that has him stopping in front of the display on Hanahaki’s disease. Seems NASA has avoided any of their astronauts becoming afflicted while in space, but as the possibility of long term manned missions to other planets in our solar system come closer to reality, they fear a real possibility of having that lucky streak broken.

If someone where to hide their pining until the ship launched, long distance curing of the disease could be awfully tricky. Not everyone will have their vine growth destroyed or stalled by hearing a voice on the line saying they love you too. Leaving a high possibility of requiring surgical removal. No one wants to be the first person forced to perform lung surgery in zero-g.

“You know, when my grandma was young they used to call it the Lover’s Curse,” Lance says, hovering uncomfortably close once again. Keith’s heard of the disease referred to that way before, mostly by the elderly, “But she always said it should be called the Lover’s Blessing instead.” Keith quirks an eyebrow at Lance. He struggles to see how suffocating slowly because you are in love with someone that doesn’t love you back could be seen as a blessing.

“It’s true,” Lance says, not perturbed by Keith’s disbelief, “She said Hanahaki was a blessing, because if you had it, it meant that you really loved someone. People whose feelings are transient don’t develop the disease. Only those with true love in their hearts can catch it.” Lance is smiling softly, looking off as if he can’t see his grandmother spinning her tale.

“That’s why you should never get rid of it, she said. You’ve been given a gift from beyond and to throw it away would be the gravest of insults to your own feelings,” Keith doesn’t miss the supernatural tinge Lance puts to his explanation. Seeing how they still can’t figure out how someone catches the disease, it’s not exactly a rare belief that there is something more to it than a cold.

“But an insult is better than dying.” Keith points out. He has to, because nothing is sadder than those stories of young boys and girls slowly choking to death in a hospital because their crush panicked and ran, yet they still refuse to have those feelings removed.

Lance’s face grows serious, more serious than Keith has ever seen him. Blue eyes look straight into to his own, “When you love someone. Nothing is more important,” Lance says. Something about that statement rings true. Can he really call anyone out, considering his own feelings for Shiro? If the older man hadn’t loved him back and he’d developed the disease, could he have really walked into a hospital and had those feelings just cut out of his chest because they were impractical?

“I guess you’re right, in a way,” Keith says, “It’s not a simple problem.”

Lance relaxes a bit at Keith’s concession, “Of course I’m right, I’m always right,” Lance says with a cheeky grin. Keith lets him have his victory, and doesn’t point out he very clearly said, in a way, “Hey, why don’t we take a walk outside. There’s something I need to tell you, and I’d prefer somewhere with a few less people eavesdropping.”

They’ve already hit most of the things he wanted to see, so there is hardly a reason not to, “Sure, sounds good,” Keith says.

Lance doesn’t grab for his wrist or hand this time, and Keith appreciates that. They’ve had enough awkwardness for one evening.

Lance takes the lead, and guides them towards the closest exit that won’t set off an alarm. The fresh air outside is a nice change, as is the space. Keith feels a bit less like a human bowling pin than he had constantly trying to dodge people inside the exhibit.

Surprisingly, Lance doesn’t start speaking the second they are free of the crowd. If anything he seems a bit lost in his head. Keith knows what it’s like to try and get the words straight for something important, so he doesn’t push. Just picks a direction that looks nice and starts walking.

They make it two blocks before the bomb drops, “I have Hanahaki.”

Keith nearly trips over his feet, “What?” He must have misheard.

Lance stops walking and turns to Keith, “I have Hanahaki’s disease, the Lover’s Curse, I’m host to flowers,” Lance elaborates. Oh god.

“How? When?” How had he not noticed? How had no one noticed? No surely, others knew. Coughing up flowers wasn’t subtle, unless Lance just found out?

“I started seeing petals a while ago, but I guess I kinda always knew something like this might happen. I’ve felt this way for years.” Lance is scratching the back of his head again, as if admitting to a friend you have a potentially fatal disease is only something mildly embarrassing.

“You need to tell them. Whoever it is you need to tell them how you feel immediately. This is your life.” Keith’s reaching out, grabbing onto Lance’s shoulder for emphasis, barely holding off the urge to shake him. He’s not overreacting. Putting off telling your crush your feelings, is how young healthy men and women, with full lives ahead of them, end up dead on the sidewalk.

“I can’t just tell them. It’s more complicated than that,” Lance says, but he doesn’t shrug Keith off.

“Explain,” Maybe it’s as simple as distance. The person is too far away for Lance to just pop in and admit his feelings. If that’s the case, Keith will get Lance the money he needs. He doesn’t care if has to go begging door to door or sell off half his belongings. He doesn’t have many friends and he won’t let any of them die if there is anything he can do to prevent it. He’s already lost too many people.

“They don’t know that I like them,” Lance confesses, head sagging forward, “I’m worried about scaring them away by coming on too fast.” Okay, well yes, he can remember what that was like, but him dithering over telling Shiro that he meant more to him than just a friend wasn’t playing russian roulette with his life.

“Lance, look at me,” Keith waits until Lance is looks him in the eyes, “You won’t scare them away. If you care for them, give them a chance and tell them the truth. You may be pleasantly surprised.” That’s how these things went. The fear of rejection was almost always larger in your head than the actual possibility of it.

“Still…” Lance’s voice trails off, before he can even start.

“You’re a great guy Lance. You’re fun to be around, and they’d be an idiot not to want you,” Keith says, and it’s the truth. Whoever this person is will probably be flattered when Lance confesses. People love Lance, and it’s not every day that someone develops Hanahaki from pining for you.

“Thanks Keith,” Lance say. He grasps the hand Keith left on his shoulder, pulling it down to hang between them, “That’s what I needed to hear.”

Keith looks down at their clasped hands in confusion. Dejavu, why? “Keith, I’m in love with you.” Keith’s head jerks up, staring at Lance. He’s what? “I have been for years,” This has to be a joke, “Ever since we got so close while Shiro was gone.” An elaborate joke…There is not an ounce of humor in Lance’s eyes. He’s…He’s…Lance is serious.

“I’m in a relationship,” Keith says. The words feel numb on his lips, his head light like he’s in free fall with no ground in sight. He’s not prepared.

“I know. I know,” Lance says, pushing on. Unlike Keith, he’s had time, “And I was happy to wait for you. I know when he came back from all that it wasn’t a good time, so I kept quiet,” Lance squeezes Keith’s limp hand, “But circumstances have changed, and I love you Keith. I love you like no one else does. This disease, it just proves that. Proves that my feelings for you are something special. This is the universe’s sign we were meant to be.”

“I’m in a relationship, with Shiro,” Keith repeats, like the addition of two words will change the flow of events sweeping over him.

“Look,” Lance is searching for something in his expression he won’t find, “I know this is a lot to take in. I’m sorry, but this is our chance. I want to be with you Keith.” Words abandon Keith. There isn’t a response to any of this.

Lance lets go of his hand, “I’ve got my own ride home. You take some time to process everything, and I’ll call you back later, okay.” Lance gives him a quick hug, before stepping away.

“Okay,” Keith says. Maybe Lance waves goodbye, maybe he disappears in a puff of smoke. Keith can’t say which. Just at some point he’s alone on the sidewalk, and whatever stalled his systems decides to let go and let him panic.

Oh god, Lance is in love with him. Lance is dying. Lance is dying because he is in love with him. Lance is dying and instead of getting treatment he’s wasting time to go paintballing with Keith and hanging out at museums. Doesn’t he understand how serious his situation is? Why, why would he? Where these dates? He dating Shiro, Lance knows that. Why is he confessing to him? Why is he taking him out on dates? Why had no one talked to him about this. Hunk.

Hunk’s concerned face earlier. Letting Lance borrow his car for something that maybe Lance never planned to take anyone but Keith too. Hunk must know something.

His phone is out and dialing Hunk’s number in a flash. The line picks up, and Keith doesn’t wait on polite greetings, “Did you know about this? Did you know that Lance is dying?” He hisses, because there will be no misunderstanding what he is talking about. No beating around the bush. He will have answers.

“So he told you, then,” Hunk’s voice is tired, as if this is the inevitable conclusion of something he’s seen building miles away. He did know then.

“He told me he has Hanahaki’s and that he loves me. Why hasn’t he had them removed?” Keith’s only a decibel away from shouting, and he knows, he knows Hunk probably doesn’t deserve this. But he can’t stop himself. The dam has been broken and his emotions are now running free.

Hunk sighs, “Lance is old fashion. He doesn’t believe the flowers are something to be removed.” Hunk explains. His grandmother. A gift from beyond. Idle conversation, taking on horrible new meaning as statements of intent.

“I’m in a relationship,” Keith says, as if maybe third time will be the charm, “I don’t love Lance. I love Shiro. He has to see a doctor.” Surely Hunk can explain that to him. Pull him away from the fairy tail leading him over the edge.

“I know.” Hunk says, and he’s getting so tired of everyone else having already had time to think this all through, “I’ve tried telling him that, but he’s certain you’ll change your mind if you get a chance to see what a great guy he is.” There is a moment’s pause, before Hunk continues, “Look Keith, I’ll try talking to him again. Maybe he’ll listen this time, but I’m pretty sure he won’t. In the meantime, can..can you do me a favor?”

If it will get someone to talk so sense into Lance, he’d do anything, “What do you need?” Keith asks.

“Can you at least consider it?” What, Hunk too? “I know it’s a lot to ask, but he’s my best friend and I’m scared. I don’t, I don’t want to watch him die.” Hunk says in a rush, and the fear tinting his voice is too obvious to miss.

“Hunk…” What is he supposed to say?

“I know he may stick his foot in his mouth sometimes.” Hunk fills the silence, “But he’s a good guy, and he thinks the world of you. Please just, just give Lance a chance.”

“I…I…” He’ll what, leave the man he loves? Or maybe he’ll sit by while Lance dies. God what will he do, if Lance doesn’t change his mind?

“I have to go. Lance is calling,” Hunk says, “Goodbye Keith, and please think about it.”

The call ends, and Keith is left alone with the unthinkable.

Next >

#sheith #klance #keith #lance #voltron #The Price Of Flowers #my fic

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ehentha · 6 years

Text

Maldives twitter last week #1

Here are some interesting things Maldivians talked about on twitter last week. A long term collection could be very useful for reflection and analysis.

1. @reallynattu creates satirical voting app

Since this has leaked and people got a glimpse of this super duper top secret extremely sensitive totally legit app we've been working on. So releasing #VoteApp for public use. Tweet your features to add to this. iOS: https://t.co/yZYEepIJ3i Android: https://t.co/8W1jtkTwpz pic.twitter.com/EGbczx12rw

— Nattu (@reallynattu) March 7, 2018

An English translation:

The top text reads "Voteapp". Next to it is a drop down menu that says "Presidential election".

Below that the title says "Candidates". Below this the same portrait of current president Abdulla Yameen is displayed five times in a row, giving the voter a wide range of candidates to vote for.

Below this is the presidents full name, "Yameen Abdul Gayoom". The president doesn't use this version in his campaigning or current activities perhaps to distant himself from his brother Maumoon. Next to this the text reads "The driving force behind the progress that the Maldives is experiencing".

After this is a section where the voter decides what kind of reward they want for voting. They are given a choice of money (from well wishers), employment (a coordinator position), or a flat from Hulhumale'. In the mockup the voter has chosen money, and the options for collecting it (deposit, cheque, or a letter delivered to your residence) are below. As the voter has selected the first option, a field to enter their account number and reward amount sits next to the Bank of Maldives and Maldives Islamic Bank logos.

At the very bottom the text reads "press to vote", with the subtext "I swear to god that I won't change my vote". The word used for "my" is "alhugandu", a relic of the Maldivian caste system, which is the self depreciating word one must use for oneself when talking to someone who demands respect; whether it be your elders, a teacher, or certain dictators. The literal translation of "alhu" is slave.

2. @paperclippenny and @legacyofpain attend mandatory marriage classes

Marriage class: https://twitter.com/legacyofpain/status/971438002890203136

"no anal!!" - Marie #marriageclass