#they would exhaust everyone but i need this so bad
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blue-"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." nico being devastated he’s hurt and just needs to be held by his girlfriend
i made it a bit more emotional hurt than physical! thank you for requesting!🫶🏽
29. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."
.
It was bittersweet.
He knew it was coming. The team knew it was coming. The fans knew it was coming. It had been a rough year with messy strategies, tough injuries and bad luck slapping them in the face after the season they had the previous year. It was rough and it weighed down on everyone and it was shattering.
But, deep down, there was this little spark of hope in his chest.
Hope that they could pull through and do the impossible. Hope that they could defy the odds and make it through to the playoffs. Hope that they would click and be the amazing team he knew they could be.
He had so much fucking hope and it was completely washed away the second that final buzzer went, the reality that they had been eliminated finally settling amongst them as they looked at each other on the ice.
But Nico stepped up. He was the captain. He had these boys looking up to him and seeking him out as a pillar of comfort and reassurance. He couldn’t be moping around the locker room, not when he had to take care of his boys first. Not when he had to face the media and drag the interview out as long as he could so the other boys didn’t have to spend too long with them. Not when he had to deal with whatever debrief meetings and logistics the coaches and team wanted to have.
They may have been eliminated but he still had his duties to perform.
He felt like he was running on pure muscle memory by the time he left the Rock, settling behind the wheel of his car with a heavy sigh. His brain was racing with a million different thoughts as he drove home, plaguing him with what if’s and could have been’s. Despite the exhaustion settling in his body, his mind felt far too wired and overwhelming and, fuck, he just wanted it to stop.
And then he walked through the door and saw you cuddled up on the couch, drowning in one of his hoodies and a blanket his mother had gifted you both when you moved in, and the last of his resolve crumbled.
“Hey, baby,” you murmured, your voice soft and sweet and soothing as he dropped his bags at the door and quickly made his way towards you. He didn’t even hesitate as he practically draped himself on top of you, burying his face into the fabric of your—his—hoodie.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he blurted out because the words had been on the tip of his tongue. They had been lingering in the back of his head since the season had started, had been lingering after every loss and hardship the team and fans had to face.
“Shhh, it’s not your fault, Nico,” you cooed, your arms winding around his body to hold him tight. Because somehow you knew what was going through his head, you knew the way he was spiralling, you just knew him. “None of this is your fault.”
“Just their faces—” he cut himself off with an unpleasant sound, something stuck between a sob and a scoff. Instead, he nuzzled himself closer like he could bury himself between your ribs and stay there forever.
“I know, baby, I know.” Your fingers ran through his hair, your nails lightly scraping along his scalp in an attempt to soothe him. “Last year wasn’t a fluke, okay? This year was the fluke. Next season will be your season, I just know it.”
“You don’t know that,” he murmured, his words twisting the self-deprecating knife lodged in his heart since the season had started going downhill.
“I know everything,” you corrected before lightly tugging on his hair until he lifted his head. You flashed him a soft smile, your hands gently holding his face as your thumb smoothed over the small scar on his cheek. “You’re gonna lead that team to the win you all deserve, Nico. I know that. The boys know that. The fans know that.”
He could only muster a small smile.
“And I will happily remind you until you believe in yourself again,” you added before leaning over to peck his lips, feeling the tension in his body finally start to leave for the first time since he entered the apartment.
“I love you,” he murmured when he couldn’t find any other words to capture how he was feeling.
“I love you too, baby.”
.
#cece's cocktail celebration#nico hischier#nhl#new jersey devils#nico hischier x reader#nico hischier x you#nico hischier x y/n#nico hischier fic#nico hischier one shot#nhl x reader#nhl x you#nhl x y/n#nhl fic#nhl one shot
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Thinking about terrible terrible boys who use Darling’s social anxiety against themselves
Kaveh who keeps you home because the world is just far too mean, just look at his roommate if you need any reminder. It’s putting himself out there that resulted in his debt, it’s the outside that caused you hurt don’t ever forget. It’s fine, he’ll lavish you enough to fill all you need, you really don’t need any other contact than himself!… and the forced proximity of Alhaitham grrr.
Ayato who keeps bringing you in important social events just to see you cling to him. He doesn’t teach you any etiquette, so you never know what’s socially unacceptable. You stand so close to him, trembling, your voice barely louder than a whisper. It serves as a reminder, see how bad the world is? All of them are vile people. If you run away, who’s to say you won’t end up with someone worse than him? (It’s terrible, how you keep waking these sadistic urges in him. He’s a good man with lots of self restraint but still a man.)
Wriothesley who got you locked up in his office. You complain about boredom, about his behaviour, but he only swat your worries away. He’s not worried about you ever running off, this is an underground prison. Criminals are the only residents, and god knows how many would have enough self control to keep their hands off if he’s not with you. Besides you’ve been here for so long, you have no place on the surface anymore. What would you do, go cry to Neuvillette? Pfff yeah, right. Try saying hello to Clorinde without trembling first.
Yes yes I am FOR this idea, also consider: Kaeya is the top tier candidate for it. He’s already in the top tier of Manipulative Bastardry, but it gets so much worse if he finds a weakness to exploit — and he’s great at sensing those.
He doesn’t mind that you’re introverted. However, he doesn’t just use the situations as opportunities to give you affirmation as a means of comforting you and coaxing you into bonding with him, no, he stoops so much lower than that. Outright taking advantage of it for his own benefit, ensuring he can use every tactic at his disposal to get whatever he wants... except "whatever he wants" actually just tends to be one consistent thing.
In the early stages, where he can pretend he doesn’t know you well enough to be able to feign ignorance to how much it would exhaust you, he makes sure to plan long public outings, watching as your energy quickly drains until you can’t bear another second in the public atmosphere and all but beg him to return home.
This gives him the opportunity to act disappointed (when in reality, he’s overjoyed it’s playing out exactly as planned) — aw, and here he had so many more things he wanted to show you before the night was over, but no worries, it’s fine… no no, it’s fine, really… and now that you’re all nice and feeling guilty, well, that will just make it much easier to coax you into giving him something to compensate for the disappointment you’ve caused once you’re behind closed doors. Maybe you’ll even volunteer it yourself.
But even later on, once he can no longer put on an act of not knowing how easily drained you are, he can still use it against you. Don’t worry, he knows you’re shy and easily tired out, you two can just stay at home tonight… besides, there’s plenty of fun things you can do alone at home, right…? Surely you’ll be able to think of something.
He, however, stoops even lower still, because he’s also willing to exploit your paranoias and insecurities, even if it means hurting you a bit. Part of the reason why you’re so socially withdrawn, he learns, is that you’re afraid of how others perceive you — I’m just annoying them, they all secretly hate me, you say, everyone thinks I’m weird…
And he… doesn’t rush to correct you or anything. Just shrugs.
Ah, who cares what they think? You already have someone who appreciates you as you are, you know.
Not denying it. If anything, it’s a subtle confirmation… he may even throw in a blatant —
Well, sure, they might feel that way, but I don’t. That’s good enough, isn't it? What do you need their attention for...?
— to really drive the point home, and throw in a bit of accusation and guilt for good measure. He likes hearing you immediately panic and stumble over your words as you reassure him that you don't need anyone else... it's adorable, and the ego boost is euphoric.
Honestly, you’re too gullible for your own good, so precious, so cute in how you fall for it so perfectly, effortless on his part. You don’t even hide your reaction in your expression, so transparent and vulnerable, the way your eyes widen with shock and you hang your head and your eyes water, giving him the perfectly opportunity to comfort you and hold you close and assure you it’s okay, they don’t matter, screw them anyway, and so on.
You’re so sweet, so pure. So much so that you almost, almost actually make him feel bad about it. How impressive.
#bro is physically incapable of not manipulating every single situation and interaction with darling into trying to get puss#.ky#q
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Me: Asks you to educate yourself, providing easy access to videos that, turns out, directly address the issues that make you dislike vivziepop and provide more context than tumblr and twitter hate threads ever do
You responded to that quickly I know you didn't bother watching. Bruh. I told you a lot of the hate around Vivziepop isn't valid and you don't check it out? See if any of your concerns fell under the one video I directly recommended?? The creator had timestamps too.
Going to the video would have told you the one nazi oc was from eight years ago. And it wasn't even hers! The Vivziepop drama playlist goes in depth about the updates concerning the people Vivziepop has worked with. Which SEVERAL people that worked with her came out to defend her and provide their experiences
You'd find out if you had just watched the videos, the proof, that people love to hate on Vivizie for clout and to farm likes and attention. They take screenshots out of context, go on tangents without proof, etc.
And expect you to believe them.
SO I'll do this one more time to address what specifically you said you disliked about Vivzie.
This playlist has all the videos I will talk about and more. So, if you know of any other drama and controversy surrounding Vivziepop you should probably consult that before forming your opinion: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLOWIXPh0p7CzgQoUIl7rqd8oz2Ym6V9XY&si=lhDApDPhX5sWyTHA
Again, it can be found by typing into the Youtube search bar, "ayy lmao vivziepop drama"
You'll find their playlist "Vivziepop Drama Playlist" right there or even just going to the youtube channel "Ayy Lmao" and looking through the playlists.
Specifically addressing what makes you dislike Vivziepop:
The one Nazi oc, the only one to exist, is discussed in "Why everyone hates Vivziepop" at 20:07 and in "The Truth Behind Vivziepop" at 5:07 The latter has more information on that and it only takes TWO MINUTES to watch! With screenshots and proof and everything.
If you heard somewhere that there were multiple, did where you heard that have a source? To, y'know, back up the claim? If you can find it that would be lovely otherwise that is just an allegation either someone told you or you are misremembering.
The drama concerning their workplace goes mainly from the beginning of the playlist to "Vivziepop Erin Frost Drama Round 3"
Multiple artists and people that worked with Vivziepop come out in support of Vivziepop and debunk claims made by others in "Helluva boss employees debunk Vivziepop allegations (Vivziepop drama Part 4)"
I'm not sure what you are referring to when you say "the way she treats her friends" and since you haven't provided any sort of source I can only guess that you may be thinking about the ugly situation covered in "Vivziepop Spindlehorse Drama Explained"
I can already tell by the amount of people responding to the first ask I sent that you have a platform, at least a larger audience compared to the average user. If you have problems with x y and z thing about Vivziepop, provide links and proof to what concerns you in the future.
If you don't remember or can't find that proof. Watch the videos. That simple. Put it on in the background, educate yourself, before you spread any more misinformation. Please.
Then form your opinion. It's a lot and I know it is a lot but you need to know this before jumping on the bandwagon of canceling someone. Especially if you have a large audience.
Vivziepop drama and hatedom is so exhausting you wouldn't BELIEVE IT. People are constantly spewing hate without providing PROOF. THEY'RE ALLEGATIONS! Even with "proof" most are out of context and bad faith. There is a motive to lie about someone as well known as Vivziepop
I'm not asking you to like her I'm asking you to educate yourself before repeating what you've heard and provide sources to back them up.
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Incorrect CoD Quotes #9
Price: There’s something wrong with the kid.
Laswell: Like what?
Price: *holds up a photo of a spider*
Roach: Ew.
Price: *holds up a photo of a cockroach*
Roach: Me.
Price: *holds up a photo of a lady bug*
Roach: *tips his helmet* Evening, ma’am.
Price: You see what I mean?
———
Roach: *sneaks into the barracks at 2am*
Price: *turns in a swivel chair* Care to to tell me where you were?
Roach: I was with… uh… Ghost!
Ghost: *also turns in swivel chair* Care to tr- *keeps spinning* uh Boss- I can’t stop the chair-
Roach: I meant… I was with Garrick.
Gaz: *turns on the light* Honestly Sanderson, you would think Roach would know how to be sneakier.
Roach:
———
Price, walking in: The training grounds are closed because of the ice storm.
Soap: Great! No training!
Soap: *looks out the window* Is Ghost still walking to the training grounds?
Soap: *opens window* HEY DIPSHIT, TRAINING’S CANCELLED!
Ghost: *looks around, confused* GOD?!
———
Ghost: Remember what I taught you.
Farah: The quickest way to a man’s heart is through the fourth and fifth ribs.
Alex: Ghost no!
———
Ghost: *can’t sleep because of nightmares*
Ghost: Listen to your therapist they said.
Ghost: You’ve been through a lot of trauma they said.
Ghost: *throws pillow* WELL YOUR BREATHING EXERCISES AREN’T WORKING NOW, ARE THEY DEBORAH!!
———
Rudy: I have a bad feeling about this.
Alejandro: What do you mean?
Rudy: Don’t you ever get that little voice in your head that tells you if something will get you into trouble?
Alejandro: No?
Rudy: That actually explains so much.
(This could work between Rudy and Soap too, honestly).
———
Nikolai: Physically I’m here but spiritually I’m lying in a Waffle House parking lot somewhere in rural Kentucky, slowly bleeding out from several stab wounds.
Sherlock: Mood.
———
Roach: I want to be a caterpillar.
Sherlock: Explain?
Roach: Eat a lot, sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful.
Sherlock: You know that they have a lifespan of, like, two weeks right?
Roach: That’s another highlight.
Soap: ROACH NO-
———
Sherlock: How do people just stay motivated their entire lives? What drives you? I got out of bed once and I’ve been exhausted ever since.
Ghost: You need to learn to hate life to the point where you want revenge on existence itself.
The rest of the 141:
Nikolai: *nods in agreement*
Roach: *furiously takes notes*
———
Soap: Is e seo do choire gu lèir.
Ghost: I know, I know.
Gaz: You know Gaelic??
Ghost: No, I just know the phrase “this is all your fault” in every language he speaks.
———
Roach: Sleeping is nice because you’re not exactly dead and you’re not awake so it’s a win-win situation.
Sherlock: It’s like being dead without the commitment.
Nikolai: An open relationship with death.
Farah: Death with benefits.
Ghost: An every night stand.
Meanwhile, everyone else in the background: *absolutely horrified*
———
*1am at 141 base*
Soap: If I drink Red Bull and NyQuil will I stay up or pass out?
Ghost: …Get off the fridge and go to bed like a normal human being.
*Later*
Ghost: SHERLOCK I HAVE A QUESTION!
Sherlock: Ghost what the fuck it’s 3am.
#call of duty#incorrect call of duty quotes#incorrect cod quotes#captain john price#kate laswell#gary roach sanderson#simon ghost riley#inspired by pinterest#kyle gaz garrick#john soap mactavish#farah karim#alex keller#rudolfo parra#alejandro vargas#call of duty oc#cod sherlock#chimera sherlock#cod nikolai
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ok but what do i have to do to get minho and cheol on a variety show together
#they would exhaust everyone but i need this so bad#i need them to be besties#choi brothers ☹️#rae.txt
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Ui idea tests, thrown together bc im eepy. Was planning on doing more but I spent all my days energy on the second one oops
#Danny phantom#I need to draw more or I’ll die <- guy who’s meds exhaust them#writing is so hard how do u not make everyone sound like you through a bad filter#Ik that’s unavoidable in some ways (like how art style will always look like u did it+not someone else)#but ugh. I’ll figure it out eventually takes practice+learning+all that#was planning on writing today but then I though ‘huh it might b fun to make some fake ‘’screenshot’’ concepts#also the portal basement has a more complex design but again#eepy#I think the gimmicky MySpace-inspired boxes r fun but idk how well I could keep that theme going w/ some characters#I also never used MySpace so that’s maybe just a kill issue#*skill lol#the command prompt one would basically just be for the portal#I keep saying that this project isn’t feasible buy my hyperfixated ass keeps trying anyways
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my brain is so full of stress it might explode. but ill do my best to keep putting out my best and stay kind to myself and others. but man, is it hard
#i wish i had something for myself rn#but i come home so exhausted i cant even focus on art#everything has been burning me so thin#i keep talking down my own art now. i keep refunding clients. i honestly want to give up on everything#people tell me i do a good job but i dont see it. i dont see an artist whos worth anything right now.#i dont know if thats a phrase#i have a early morning shift tomorrow and i cant fall asleep#i want to just rest but im so restless#i dont want to put pressure on anyone besides myself bc i feel like a huge burden#if i do so#everyone else should be having a good time#so i feel like a bummer to take up their emotional space and time#i appreciate the kindness people have shown me recently#i know i work hard. but im still so broken over everything#i just havent felt like an artist since it happend#he left a bigger scar on my ego than i thought it would#and every time i voice it i feel someone is out to end me for it#but at the same time i feel completely unnoticed and unheard#i dont expect anyone to see me as me#i just feel this lump in my throat now. this weight on my hand#they say kind things but im so hurt inside i dont see it as truth right now. i dont see anything worth admiring#they say such sweet things and i want to accept them so bad because my heart needs it#but i cant help but feel the words die as they reach my ears. im just too hurt i cant see it#i cant see the truth in my work all i see is someone else's desire in their commission#as long as they are happy. as long as they are satisfied#thats all that matters#i dont feel important enough to be apart of the process anymore#i dont feel worthy as a person or artist#i just feel less than nothing and that no one will care
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Oh. having a bad time.
#I've been holding it together all day but suddenly everything is really getting to me#so sick of feeling like this. i want to be able to have a nice time and enjoy myself but i can't walk around for more than half an hour#without feeling so exhausted#and i saw my brother today and i was really trying not to let it get to me seeing him doing so well#and I'm really happy he's doing well it's not that i just get so jealous that he's able to do all the things he can#i thought I'd been doing well the last couple of weeks bit maybe i was just repressing because now i cant fucking breathe#and i miss the cats so much i know it's been literally a day but I'm so used to having them there all the time#i am so tired. i want to sleep. but I'm so sad#I'm so anxious and i feel like I'm being short with everyone and it's making everything really tense#i don't know what to do.#I've been looking forward to this week for ages and i knew it would have an impact on me but i didn't think I'd feel this bad#I'm just really upset i don't what the point of this is but i just need to get this out because i feel like imgoing to explode#i think I've been feeling triggered since yesterday but not purging it so my body has just been feeling it and then its all spilked over#i know it started in the car because the roads we took to get here are the ones i used to take for my hospital appointments
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I think Aegon is just a piece of shit, especially towards Aemond. As Alicent said, they can do whatever they want but behind closed doors. The rest of the world can never know whether we are at odds or we are currently at peace with each other. I have an older brother and lemme tell you this: we have hurt each other plenty of times, basically we can throw the worst insults at each other in blink of an eye and it will always hurt, because we know the best and worst things about each other. It is double-eged sword. Sometimes I bring the best of him and sometimes the worst and vice versa. But neither he nor I ever encouraged other people (whether our cousins or school friends) to hurt the other one. The fact that young Aegon as the eldest one orchestrated the bullying Aemond had to experience not only from him but also Jace and Luke made me sick. And that's why people view their relationship differently than you - because when you truly love your sibling, you would never do the whole bullying campaign against your brother/sister and let others participate. Whatever is between siblings stays between siblings, when someone does things Aegon did is just toxic and terrible. In this case show did better job with sibling dynamics with Viserys and Daemon. Daemon would not let anyone speak badly of Viserys and Viserys, although Daemon angered him many times, said many times that Daemon has a place in King's Landing and always welcomed him back again and again. And I dare to say that Viserys was being his truest self with Daemon and vice versa. They couldn't fool each other cause they have known each other all their life and seeing Daemon reaction to Rhaenyra words meaning he wasn't the one Viserys told about the prophecy, like such reaction from Daemon could only come at the mention of his own brother. No one could evoke such strong emotions in Daemon as topic connected with Viserys. But all the things going on between Viserys and Daemon mostly stayed between them. And I speak as person who is not a fan of Viserys and Daemon. But that doesn't change the fact their dynamics is more relatable than the one between Aegon and Aemond. I dunno if you have a sibling, but there is a difference between siblings bickering when all the insults and arguments stay between only them and creating a mini gang for the purpose of bullying your sibling. You can ask as many people as you want who have siblings, but I am sure none of them will ever allow their cousin/someone outside the family to hurt their sibling. And no, despite what you think, it is not normal for one sibling to decide to create a whole group meant to bully the other sibling. Real siblings settle matters among themselves and whatever feelings they have for each other, they don't team up in mini gang to bully. It is just pure vile.
Ok so…. You can have whatever opinion you want on Aegon. I’m gonna keep it real with you, I truly do not care who likes him and who doesn’t 👍🏽👍🏽. It makes me no difference
BUT what we aren’t gonna do paint daemon’s reaction to not knowing about the prophecy as normal or a testament to him loving viserys. Daemon put his hands on his wife bc he lashes out when he doesn’t get what he wants or feels threatened. Also it’s just…. Extremely dishonest to say viserys and daemon’s arguments stayed between them. Daemon quite literally joined corlys in the stepstones and fought a whole war in spite of viserys. Half of Daemons driving force is getting Otto, and daemon dragged Rhaenyra into his mess by grooming her. That doesn’t even mention the heir for a day mess or him or him stealing the egg. So…. Nothing relatable nor healthy about either relationship.
#anyway… ngl I woke up… cramping mind you… saw this exhaustive ask and felt tempted to delete it#I truly try not to get snippy with people bc I don’t think everyone’s intentions are bad but a lot of people come in my ask HOT#bc this is what I mean about people liking to have bad faith arguments over people they don’t like#I quite literally said yesterday I get why people would not like Aegon#I said their relationship is not black and white… bc it isn’t#I do not need rants in my inbox about how Aegon is the ruiner of lives especially if you’re turn around use viserys and daemon as relatable#what is relatable about being so obsessed with your brother you groom your niece#asks and requests
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listening to my parents talk about me is so fucking funny. "she's dealt with us for so long that at this point she's done. she's mentally checked out from having to give a shit about anyone. can you believe how corruptible she is just because she's almost an adult and she thinks that we're not her problem anymore?"
like man you are literally so close. so fucking close.
#no it's not that ive dealt with everyone for my whole life and now im selfish and dont want to give a shit about anyone anymore#its that ive dealt with everyone my entire life ive been an emotional support pillar ive been rotting in this toxic dysfunctional household#ive been a third parent ive stepped in for my dad when he spontaneously decides to be a deadbeat ive supported my mom without fail#whenever shes needed it for years. ive dealt with everyones fits of mania & psychosis & breakdowns & chronic pain & depressive episodes#ive had my mental illness trivialized and belitted and downplayed. im exhausted and traumatized and so fucking burned out#of course it looks like ive given up on everyone from the outside because im struggling !! im struggling mentally and emotionally#and its spilling out in all the wrong ways and they just see it as me letting my anger ruin my character and everyone else around me#they dont care if theres something wrong with me even though im throwing out signs and cries for help literally wherever i can#they just care that theyre affected by it and inconvenienced by my deteriorating mental condition#they think this mentally ill freak is just what i am at this point and they cant stop emotionally blackmailing me#by reminiscing about how i used to be so kind and optimistic. i wish they would just fucking see me for once#ive played the role of the good emotional support eldest daughter my entire life. why didnt they think it would blow up at some point#and when i have tried opening up in moments of severe emotional vulnerability they just throw it back in my face later on#while simultaneously telling me i just need to change my outlook on life because im still young and cant define myself by childish problems#mom you are depressed and anxious you should recognize it better than anyone. you should be able to see it for what it is#instead of telling me to go spend a week volunteering at a cancer hospital so i can go see what real problems exist for people in the world#and what other people are going through and maybe ill come out with a new appreciation for life#mom just bc people are dying of cancer doesnt mean i can't be depressed just bc other people have it worse doesnt mean i cant have it bad#im so fucking tired!#3 am vent post yippee i am going to regret oversharing on the internet so badly when i wake up tmrw
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genuinely, when will it end??? I am so tired of being here and I am not sure how much longer I can push myself to keep going. i’m exhausted.
#it’s 4am and I am feeling the Deep Darkies#I literally passed out at 9pm from mental exhaustion & also bc I wanted to start to get up early to start a morning routine#so I actually got a ton of sleep but the second I woke up I felt like I wanted to cry and now I feel so depressed out of no where#like girl WHYYYY#genuinely I am so debilitatingly depressed I have suicidal thoughts every single day#and I feel like ive tried everything to help myself like ive been to therapy ive been on and off meds for over a decade at this point#im starting to eat better and sleep more#like what the duck else do I do?#I genuinely feel like my brain is broken#I just want to cry and lay in bed every single day#like I cannot articulate the profound sadness into words but it’s. so bad#and it takes literally all my brain power to do one assignment a day for class like none of this is sustainable#and I just feel so much shame over it bc whenever I tell my mom she gets mad like it effects her or something and the few times ive made th#mistake of trying to confide in my dad he gave me the whole pull yourself up by the bootstraps talk so never again lol#my entire family has made me feel so much shame over it and none of my friends here even bother to ask how I feel and don’t make me feel#comfortable enough to talk to bc i’m always the fucking therapist friend helping everyone else#hence why I always vent on here lol I have no one to talk to#I just really don’t know what to do at this point like I feel like I need inpatient therapy at this point but that’s expensive and I don’t#want to tell my job why i’d need extended time off bc that would be so embarrassing and plus now i’m in school#so like what do I do#im tired of feeling like this I know this isn’t how life is supposed to be but it’s also all ive ever known#and what’s the point of living if i’m going to feel like this everyday? I don’t know how much longer I can take it#personal
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ok the kalos slander in journeys is getting out of hand
#< me now that its a character i actually like#well ok not true. im happy for what they did w serena bc its what i wanted for her- to be able to stand perfectly on her own#but like. a sweep against diantha and most of it was offscreen??? cmon#i knowww logically shes gotta lose and i went in fully knowing she would bc its gotta come down to leon v ash#it just makes the most sense but like. the battle couldve at least been GOOD yknow#yeah no this screams development hell. its gotta be like its just too bad#thinking eve has a point when she says that it feels like jn is exhausted of itself like i didnt need a two parter here#but like... they didnt even wanna dedicate the episode to it???#also i dont buy leon being this super powerful unbeatable beast tbh#i could in galar bc thats just one region and the gym systems different and designed to like weed people out over time#and u gotta get sponsored and shit like i can believe he went undefeated for literal years there bc galar is weird#but in the entire world?? to the point where he sweeps other champions with ease?? and everyone around the world drools over him?#i get WHY they did that bc its a world tour and hes the strongest trainer in the world and its gen 8 so he needs emphasis#but i dont buy that hes somehow so unstoppable that another champion can barely touch him#and i EXTRA dont buy that ash is so powerful w his current team that hes gonna be the one to knock him down#like idk. idk what metric im working with here but i feel like the champions should be like neck and neck and hard to defeat#no matter who u are and especially w champions bc theyre on the same level#leon being number 1 isnt bad or bad writing but everyone throwing themselves head over heels for him no matter what region theyre in#and him being able to sweep literally everyone in his path is not good writing tbh its not believable to me#it doesnt feel like hes so strong no one can handle him it just kinda feels like plot armor#echoed voice
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This is turning into the spring of how many times can I complain about emails to my friends before they get sick of me
#I’m trying to restrain myself so bad right now#basically I work on a study where we collect frogs#and we do it all over the United States#so that means we have to get state permits - great#okay we’ve got most our state permits#however we would normally road cruise for frogs but not all frog species can be reliably found on roads#so we’re started requesting wildlife management areas and national forests#however for a lot of these states we have just fairly recently got our state permit#and we need our state permit to apply to these other places#and so we are applying to a bunch a bit close to the wire to when we plan to be there#and oooohh my god every time I contact someone there is more people to contact#and more paperwork to fill out#dear god#and like everyone is super nice!#and helpful and stuff but wow… emails are exhausting#communicating with twenty different people at once is more exhausting then searching for frogs for real#by yours truly the omelette of cheese
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hgonesly at this point i really do wish i could just say Fuck It and disappear off the face of the earth for a little bit bc honestly . i donot want to be alive
#2023 off to a banger start for me (got into an argument with my mom on new years about her bf reminding me of my abusive dad#and havent had peace or a good nights sleep since!!!!!!!!!!!)#i am absolutely fucking miserable and i just donot want to Do It anymore#i hate this house i hate the people i live with i hate this world and i hate everything thats happening to jme but i cant do anytihing#i cant do anything to Fix Anything i cant do anything abt my problems theres just so much Wrong With Me that i dont know how to fix#i dont know if i CAN fix most of the issues i have. i have so much ptsd and trauma from so many different things and its all just. hghg#and i want so badly to just let it out and talk to the people Around Me about it bc it is Serious and i shouldnt be just not talking about#it but. i just cant bring myself to Do That. i am constantly afraid that the people around me will be angry with me if i even so much as#speak up about the things that make me upset and its not their fault and its no ones fault but my own and i just dont know what to Do#im scared of confrontation and im worried that if i try to talk about it its gonna lead to an argument!!! i know it wouldnt but im terrifed#so id rather just not talk about it. which then leads to the problem not getting resolved because. fuck man im sure the people around me#know that somethings up but i never bring it up so therefore they never find out and it gets swept under the rug like all my other issues#i pride myself on being good at being emotional and being open but in reality i am emotional. yes. but not at all good at being open#ive never been good at it and i feel so BAD because like. yes i love you. yes i trust you and i know you would never ever be mad at me#for just talking about my feelings. i know this and i love you for it. but im so bad at conveying that. even though i trust you with mylife#im just bad at opening up. it does not matter how long we've known each other its just such a struggle for me to Be Open to anyone#of course its not much better that im coming to tumblr and puttign this here for 100+ people to see but just. i dont know#im mentally unstable ive never had good coping mechanisms and im the only person awake and everyone else that i usually vent to is asleep#so all my thoughts just get piled up into one messy little ball and it gets thrown to tumblr because i need somewhere to put them#im sorry. im exhausted. its been a long week and i wish i could just hybernate for the rest of the month and not interact with anyone#i just wish i could mvoe out and live with my gf and our cat. that is all i want and that is the only thing that would fix me
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LOLLLLL not to liveblog this shit but i asked my s*per visor who is abandoning us (lol) to take a walk with me and she said yes. ok 😃
#purrs#1 week from today. SHE JUST ACCEPTED IT SGDJSFSJGSKDDHKVDKVD 😵😵😵😵😵😵😵😵 holy fuck. lollllllll. im goingto cry so hard i **** and she’s gonna b#be like wtf 😐 LOL. um. but like. you are my mentor and my friend and someone i look up to and you are leaving forever and i am literally not#letting you do that without getting to talk bc i litcherally do not have a personal relationship w her anymore and it’s like uh.m. since we#wont have a work or school relationship anymore can we be friends now ok thanks. aughhhh. i asked for a whole HOUR and she said yes LOLLLLLL#us *5 miles away from campus sweating and shaking with exhaustion* me: HOW COULD YPU LEAVE ME crying so hard im foaming at the mouth… her: 🤨#*walks abck to the office at the speed of light without me lol*. im kidding. but omg this is the first walk im going on with just her since#fucking NOVEMVER 1 2018. that is INSANE. how have we not been on a walk since then. this is my first ONE ON ONE WITH HER since like June idk#9 or something 2019. INSANE! sick and twisted. our first actual personal conversation. lollllllll im going to pass out. how can i tell her#how painful this has been and how idk if i would even be alive without her no joke. maybe i don’t say that part. but lol.also the way we#have literally 2 more times guaranteed to ever see each other again. throwing up. dying also#delete later#liteealy the way this woman is the entire fucking reason i was able to exist as i am and she is leaving voluntarily and we haven’t talked#about this at all other than me bursting into tears in front of her 2 weeks ago. lol. yeah no i am getting in on the action like everyone#else. we are going to have a gonversation and it had better be a good one bc otherwise i will be unable to cope#<- will be unable to cope regardless of what happens. but thank god i asked her bc lkke. god. i need to talk to her so bad *bashing head#into wall* *walking into traffic* etc etc. like do you realize this destroys the very fabric of… idk. i sound insane but i promise this#reaction is warranted at least slightly. this is titanic and the timing could not be worse and i am in so much pain. lol
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#like tbh the chances are so high that even if i somehow manage to get this degree im going to just#kill myself right after. like highschool plants 2.0 but this time ive learned enough#to not end up in a ward but end up dead#like what exactly does it matter. if its the end of this year or this month????????#....... i feel like itd be so much better for everyone#id get my rest lmao. and my family wouldn't have to watch me be a useless pieve of shit faliure my entire life only becoming more of a#dissapointment with each year#literally its such a good deal it sure as fuck is better than the alternative#of what? staying alive and killing myself later? maybe now i can still die with a shread of dignity#it would be great timing too bc theres so few people i talk to especially in person that it really Is a great time to commit suicide#whats kept me in the past is like. living for other ppl lol. not only is that god bless not much of an issue rn but i dont even know if i#have that drive anymore#. and like. im not?? actually needed lmao like end of day it doesnt make much difference if im here or not and considering how much of a#mess i am most times. if anything it probably makes a bad difference#...;;; like. the stars and moon and my own fucking exhaustion are perfectly alligned for this to be a optimal time to get the fuck out of#this life
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