autistic boys when they realise the egg theyre eating feels like Egg

You ever wonder about things? You ever ask yourself - ‘Hey, where is my beautiful house?’. or ‘Excuse me, what is my beautiful wife?’. You ever wonder who invented #SALAD? You know who invented that? JULIUS CAESAR! This Awesome Roman King from a long time ago INVENTED salad. Legend has it that there was a BUNCH of ‘bountiful harvest’ laying around ALL OVER ROME. In the streets and EVERYTHING. And #JuliusCaesar said, can somebody please clean up this BOUNTIFUL HARVEST?! And one the Roman princes, Titus or Trupus or whatever said ‘My MONG, (Roman for ‘king’) should we try to do something with all of this romaine #lettuce, croutons, anchovies, dijon mustard, olive oil, salt, pepper, lemon, egg yolk, parmesan, and garlic thats just laying all over the place in the streets and clogging the ports and in peoples houses and whatnot?’. To which #Julius #Caesar replied ‘Trippus, put it in a bowl and eat it for all I care, just CLEAN IT UP!’ Amazing. Before this day, people pretty much just ate BACON and DIRT. Thanks, Julius Caesar! Wondering is GREAT, it lets you know about things. When Don Q. Shirts heard this story on the #historychannel he wondered, can I make a shirt? HE CAN!! #DonQsPrivateHams #etsy store HAS IT! TODAY!!! https://www.instagram.com/p/CjdRckxrtUn/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

I posted 899 times in 2021

489 posts created (54%)

410 posts reblogged (46%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 0.8 posts.

I added 2,050 tags in 2021

#asks - 433 posts

#the elder scrolls - 247 posts

#pictures - 235 posts

#tes - 231 posts

#world building - 191 posts

#worldbuilding - 188 posts

#food - 159 posts

#tastes of tamriel - 151 posts

#tastesoftamriel - 123 posts

#cooking - 92 posts

Longest Tag: 97 characters

#are rollerskates a thing in tamriel because i think talviel would absolutely take up roller derby

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

Khajiiti Caramel Tarts

Dur to popular demand from my post about Tamrielic sweets, I'm pleased to bring you this recipe for delicious, dairy-free caramel tarts from Elsweyr! This recipe is for about 12 tarts- if you have any filling leftover, steam it in a glass ramekin for 30 minutes or so to set, before glazing with sugar as per the recipe below. Want more tarts? Just add more puff pastry!

[Image from the Skyrim Melt in Your Mouth mod...my pastries were a bit burnt and did not look great so I had to settle for the next best thing to publish on time!]

You will need:

320g (1 pack) puff pastry

5 egg yolks

350ml coconut cream

1/2 cup caster sugar

1 vanilla bean pod, scraped (or 1-2 tsp vanilla essence

1 tsp pandan essence (optional)

1/2 tsp ground nutmeg

1/2 tsp ground cardamom

Approx. 2 tbsp brown sugar (preferably coconut sugar, muscovado is also good)

Method:

Firstly, grease a muffin mold with butter and cut your puff pastry into 1" thick circles (or a size that will fit your molds snugly). This recipe makes about 12 tarts, but you may have more or fewer depending on your molds.

Preheat your oven to 250C/482F and set the pastry aside for now.

In a small pot, whisk together the coconut cream, vanilla, pandan essence, nutmeg, cardamom, and egg yolks on low heat, ensuring that the yolks do not cook and curdle. Keep whisking gently until the mixture is smooth and well-mixed, and pour them into your pastry molds immediately.

Pop the tarts into the oven on the middle shelf and bake for about 15-20 minutes, until golden brown. The centre custard should be jiggly, but not liquid.

Remove the tarts from the oven and sprinkle the top surface of each with brown sugar. If you have a kitchen blowtorch, now is the time to let it shine- blast the sugar for about 5 seconds per tart to caramelise the tops! If you don't have a blowtorch, simply pop your tarts back into the oven directly under the grill for a minute.

Leave to cool before eating. Great warm or cold!

275 notes • Posted 2021-07-02 08:01:29 GMT

#4

What have the Tamrielic races got in terms of candy? I know the Khajiit have moon sugar brittle and the Nords got their honey sweets, but what else is there?

There are so many sweets in Tamriel it'll make your teeth hurt, and I'm lucky enough to have tried loads of them! These are some of my favourite treats...

Redguards

I adore going to Hammerfell sweetshops, which are packed to the rafters with fresh candies and pastries dripping in honey. The Redguards enjoy sweet cakes flavoured with exotic spices like cardamom and nutmeg, along with syrups of rose, coconut, and salty caramel soaking right through them. My favourite, however, is deep-fried sugar swirls, which are made from thick coconut sugar syrup that's fried in hot oil, fresh from the cauldron!

Bretons

The Bretons are known for their boozy filled candies, which are quite inventive and pack some punch (literally)! Aside from the famous brandy-filled chocolates, High Rock is home to some of Tamriel's best patisseries. From airy butter tarts filled with brandy jam, to jaw-dropping tiered fruit cakes with absinthe-filled fizzy lemon sweets, you'll be in heaven if you're a fan of desserts!

Argonians

The Argonians don't have much of a sweet tooth, but they do love tropical fruits and a curious nectar from a native Murkmire plant, scuttlebloom. Papaya and watermelon "cakes" are layered fruit wrapped into little rice paper parcels which are then soaked in scuttlebloom nectar and served slightly chilled. Another favourite is steamed sago pudding, served either hot or cold, with chopped yams, preserved palm fruit, barley pearls, and fresh fruits. Refreshingly different and totally moreish.

Khajiit

Now where do I even begin with the Khajiit? From pastries and biscuits to boiled sweets and airy spun moon sugar, sugar-tooth has a double meaning the second you cross the border to Elsweyr. My personal favourite are caramel tarts, which are a sweet biscuit shell filled with caramel pudding, topped with moon sugar, and blasted with a lick of fire (often spells) to grill the top to crackling perfection. And of course, you can try my Moon Sugar Brittle and Senchal Baklava for a taste of Southern Elsweyr too!

Bosmer

In addition to chewing or smoking sweetgnats, Green Pact followers have mastered to an art the creation of naturally sweetened animal meats and milks through generations of selective breeding and a staunch diet of moon sugar cane and fruits. Sugar mammoths are a smaller breed of timber mammoth that fall under the criteria, and their milk is pleasantly sweet and easy to caramelise. It makes it the perfect base for creamy desserts, and the meat of the sugar mammoth is prized for its sweet but meaty flavour. A typical Bosmer dessert would be a baked egg pudding topped with a flame-grilled scuttlecream meringue, which is perfectly sweet and balanced!

Nords

You're right about Nords having a slight addiction to honey, which is the basis of our sugar, though we also grow sugar beets to a smaller degree. Aside from Honey Nut Treats and taffy, we're also famous for our honey-based hard boiled sweets, which are delicious plain or flavoured with berries, juniper, and other herbs. Think of a little ball of mead, unless you dislike mead. I should probably have tried to sell this a little harder, but I do enjoy both mead and boiled honey sweets.

Dunmer

Traditional desserts from Vvardenfell are a bit confusing to mainland Tamrielic tastes, and are often sweet saltrice-based soups flavoured with ingredients like comberry, ginger and ash yams, served with glutinous saltrice dumplings stuffed with roasted gold kanet seeds or sweet ash yam paste. Cakes are common as an afternoon snack, and range from simple marshmerrow sponges to intricate scuttlecream chocolate sculptures.

Orsimer

Orcs aren't huge fans of desserts or candy in general (bad for the tusks), but there are a fair few stronghold staples that are understandably praiseworthy. My favourite is echatere cream cheese torte, which is made from a divinely light cheese creme that has the distinctive grassy scent of echatere milk, set deep in a buttery biscuit crust. It isn't overwhelmingly sweet and is perfect plain, though some variations also include berry compote, vanilla, and even ingredients like citrus and lemongrass among the Wood Orcs of Valenwood.

Altmer

Dessert isn't great for the Altmer figure, but you'll need to exercise serious control when you see the patisseries of Summerset! The High Elves are less prone to munching on sweets, preferring dried fruit such as blood orange peels, pomegranate "raisins", and candied ginger. In fact, candied ginger is the star of a famous Alinor cupcake, which is a little confection of vanilla sponge soaked in lemon syrup and orange blossom liqueur, filled with a fragrant ginger marzipan, and topped with a soft orange crème and candied ginger pieces.

Imperials

The Imperials are famous for their simple yet perfectly balanced cakes and pastries, which feature natural flavours from ingredients imported from around Tamriel. Everything from saffron from Taneth to almonds from Elsweyr can be found at the Imperial City markets, and there are cakes and candies galore you can sample. In terms of a classic Cyrodiilic dessert, I adore a good coffee liqueur cake, made from layers of coffee pudding and creamy rum jelly on a crisp coffee biscuit crust. It's best served cold, with a strong shot of espresso to wash it down!

393 notes • Posted 2021-04-05 19:45:19 GMT

#3

Rustic apple sweetroll

Here's a surprise Solstice recipe from me to all of you! Now, it's pretty obvious that I love apple desserts. Cinnamon gorapples? Cream cheese frosted gorapple cake? Princess' Delight? Yum! But I've decided to put a Talviel spin on a Tamrielic classic today, and I am pleased to unveil the apple sweetroll! I personally found it sweet enough without icing, but nothing is stopping you from decorating it the traditional sweetroll way! This cake can be a little recalcitrant coming out of the tin, so don't feel bad if it peels or looks a little rough- it's still delicious!

You will need:

3 big green apples (I used Bramley), cut into thin wedges

3 eggs

250g butter

250g brown sugar

250g plain flour

1.5 tsp baking powder

2 tsp vanilla essence

3 tsp cinnamon

Method:

Preheat your oven to 180C/356F. Grease a large bundt tin with butter, and evenly lay out apple slices to cover the sides and base of the tin. Set aside.

In a mixing bowl, beat the butter and sugar together until light and creamy. Add the eggs and continue to beat the mixture until smooth and even.

Add the flour, baking powder, vanilla, and cinnamon. Continue mixing until a smooth batter forms. Pour the batter into the bundt tin, making sure that the apple slices are all covered well.

Wrap the tin in foil and bake on the middle shelf for 45 minutes, until the cake is golden brown and a toothpick comes out clean if you poke it. Leave to cool for at least 15 minutes before flipping it out onto a large plate or serving platter. Fabulous with custard and ice cream!

519 notes • Posted 2021-06-20 16:50:14 GMT

#2

Braided bread

My mother-in-law's recipe book has been invaluable over the more recent years of my cooking journey, and today's recipe (ever so slightly adjusted) is one that fans have been clamouring for: braided bread. This delicious, light brioche is sweet and fragrant- if you don't have saffron, try using a good amount of nutmeg, cinnamon, or any other spice you wish!

You will need:

900g flour, plus extra for dusting

200g butter, melted

500ml warm (not hot!) milk

50g dry yeast

1/2 tsp salt

250g caster sugar

1g saffron

2 eggs, beaten

Method:

Combine the butter, half the milk, and yeast. Stir thoroughly and set aside until the yeast is frothy.

Add the rest of the milk, sugar, and saffron once the yeast is frothy. Add one of the eggs to the mixture and beat on medium speed with an electric mixer with dough hooks if possible.

Once the mixture is smooth, add the flour, and crank the speed up to high. Continue to mix until the ingredients are well combined and you have an even, yellow dough. Cover with cling wrap and set aside in a large bowl for about 3 hours to rise. The dough may need a second proofing if it starts to spill over, but try to keep the rising time to about three hours to allow the saffron to infuse.

On a lightly floured surface, divide the dough into 3 even lumps, and roll each of them out individually into ropes. It's important that you don't over-flour the dough, as it's very buttery and really doesn't need any to prevent it from sticking. I like my strands to be at least an inch thick, so they get nice and fluffy when baking. If you prefer, you can divide the dough into two separate batches to make smaller breads- simply make 6 ropes instead of 3.

With the dough resting on a baking sheet lined with paper, pinch the tops of the three ropes together to join them, and braid your bread. It should neither be too tight or too loose- it should hold if you pick it up.

Set the braided dough aside for 30 minutes. Turn your oven up to 250C/482F. Brush with the other egg over the bread (be sure to get in the corners!) to give it a pretty glaze, and bake on the middle shelf for 8-10 minutes. Leave to cool for at least 15 minutes on a wire rack before eating.

696 notes • Posted 2021-01-01 16:46:12 GMT

#1

Apple Dumplings 2.0

Apple dumplings are probably the first dessert I ever learned to make, and have become something I've refined over the years. This is my new and improved recipe, with a tastier, richer filling!

You will need:

3 big cooking apples (I used Bramley)

1 sheet (320g) puff pastry

1/2 cup soft brown sugar

1/4 cup water

2 tbsp butter

2 tbsp sweetened condensed milk

1/2 tsp vanilla essence

1/2 tbsp cinnamon

1 egg, beaten, for brushing

Method:

Preheat oven to 220C/428F. Line a tray with baking paper.

In a pot, melt the butter with the condensed milk and half the sugar. Turn the stove to medium heat.

Peel and dice the apples roughly, and add them in with the water. Stir to incorporate the pieces into the caramel, making sure that it does not stick to the bottom of the pot.

As the apples release their juice, add the rest of the sugar, along with the vanilla essence and cinnamon. Keep stirring until the apples disintegrate into a puree. Remove from the heat to cool.

Lay out your puff pastry and cut into six even squares. Scoop a heaped tablespoon of filling into the centre of each square.

To turn them into dumplings, gently grab the top left and bottom right corners to meet together at the top, and pinch together. Bring the other corners up to do the same. Now, gently pinch all the pastry together, with seams of about 1mm of space. Make sure you get the bottom folds too, you want these dumplings to be airtight to prevent filling from leaking out!

Space your folded dumplings on the baking tray, with plenty room between them for the pastry to rise.

Brush with beaten egg to give the pastry a nice glossy finish, and bake for 15 minutes, or until golden brown.

Leave the dumplings to cool for at least 15 minutes before serving- the filling will be extremely hot! Have them on their own, or with custard or ice cream, and a drizzle of maple syrup. Best eaten immediately.

Edit: You'll have some applesauce left over with this recipe. It's delicious mixed with custard on the side, or have it with oats and cinnamon!

1119 notes • Posted 2021-05-07 08:00:49 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

What I think you are like based on the bachelor you married in Stardew Valley

Alex: you’re convinced that there are entirely too many types of pasta, it’s just redundant, come on, three hundred and fifty with new ones invented every year? Not to mention there’s too many fillings for tortellini, and spinach just doesn’t belong in dumplings that are boiled, what is this, and why is there one that has both spinach AND truffle, and also people posting carbonara recipes must always specify that the pasta base should be eggless, because there is plenty of egg yolk in the sauce and eggs in the dough make the dish too heavy. 

Elliott: you think that it’s frustrating how they cancelled ‘My Name Is Earl’, it should have been given five seasons instead of four to complete the arc, and the way it ended on a cliffhanger was simply unforgivable, but the main reason is, there’s just not enough smart and wholesome and a little idiotic but in a good way sitcoms on TV anymore, at least ones that aren’t mockumentaries, also it’s such a shame how ‘Boston Legal’ was cancelled, too, and ‘The Blacklist’ wasn’t, James Spader is just wasted in this last one. And Sense8?! Yikes! And oh dear, all of the space sci fi shows? Tragic that they are all basically doomed from the very beginning.

Harvey: sure, you absolutely did follow your friend’s advice to drink more water, because it helps keep your skin clear, and with other things, too, and you thanked them after, but you were horrified by the amount of peeing that you now need to endure, you’ve turned into a lavatory animal with zoomies, running there and back again five hundred times a day and making savage sounds, but of course you’re not gonna tell your friend, however you suspect they feel the same way, judging by the amount of hydro memes they send you, although those are still funny.

Sam: you think that the war on drugs was a mistake, a waste of resources and time and money, and is absolutely not the way to go, people need to be helped and not punished, there should be more special establishments to help addicts, and decriminalization is the first step, too, also you don’t understand this flaming hate some people have for raisins, it’s not like they’re poison, and it’s not like anyone is shoving raisins down anyone’s throats, also, honestly, oatmeal with milk and raisins is not that bad, some children really like it. 

Sebastian: so during the covidiot protests in Stuttgart when one of those well off men who isn’t struggling financially, but refuses to wear a mask, or get vaccinated, or shave, or take off his fedora, was holding a sign that says, “No Fascism! No Dictatorship! Freedom of Press!” you would have really, really liked it, just once, if Merkel appeared out of thin air in one of her monochrome suits right in front of him and told him, “Yeah, sure, done, what else? You want a fresh piping hot flammkuchen, to maintain your last brain cell? ‘cause here it is, homemade by Steinmeier, eat up.” 

Shane: you are convinced that Butt Is Legs, and you will die on this hill. 

(yes, this is nothing but a parody did I say parody I meant satire and yes, have a good day)

SOFTER ON THE INSIDE

Ch1

Warning ⚠️ mention of self harm and scoliosis (a bit of blood)

Wilhelmina venable was a women everyone feared. She held the outpost with her strict rules and her iron fist.

Everybody was sitting at the dinner table eating their cubes.

Everyone feared her except for you, venable was interesting and honestly very attractive.

Gallant started complaining about the food as always followed by coco and you could again feel venable get annoyed at this.

"Come on you can't keep serving us this shit !"

"He's right ! I'm starving and you give us that crap !"

"Stop it coco She's not our enemy for God sakes ! Eat your cube damn ! Your alive !!! You are actually ALIVE when the rest of the world is rather dead or dying. So stop being the ungrateful spoiled bitch you always were and try to at least learn something new for once like how to be a better human being !"

She stood up from her chair and tapped her cane on the ground before she could protest you mumbled "sorry miss venable"

As you sat back on your chair.

"Miss vanderbilt, mrs gallant sit down and eat those damn cubes before I think about punishing you both"

They got back on their seats and ate in silence.

After dinner you went to the Library for a bit before going to bed.

You were drawing on some handmade paper with charcoal and you heard ths soft thud of Venable's cane on the floor.

You immediately pulled down the burned material and cleaned up your hands on your dress.

Your long purple dress was now a bit dirty and you couldn't help but feel like a dear cought in headlights.

"What are you doing in here miss y/l/n

And why are your clothes dirty"

"I'm sorry miss venable i was just drawing in hear and since I don't have any material i had to be a little creative but it turned out to be quite messy"

You said softly.

"Well i suppose you are allowed to draw but you will clean up after your mess"

"Yes of course i will, is there any particular reason why you came here?"

"Can't i just enjoy a little reading in the library"

"Oh..of course i just...well of course you can"

"That's awfully nice of you miss"

She said in a sarcastic tone.

She sat down on the couch and you went back to drawing. She noticed a jar field with red liquid that you seemed to be using as paint with a brush made out of hair and wood. She really admired your inventivity, and how you came up with solution to everything.

"What is that ?" She asked pointing the pot and you got really nervous suddenly.

"...what do you mean?"

"What is the red liquid and where does it comes from ?" She asked in a strict tone

"...it's... blood"

"WHAT !" She was shocked and kind of disappointed you had always been her favorite and now this !

"Wait I CAN EXPLAIN !" You said your voice filled with urgency.

"Of course you will, i expect yo..."

"It's mine !" Before she could finish her sentence you cut her off.

"I'm sorry what ?"

"It's mine, the blood in the cup. I didn't have any paint, and i couldn't get anything to make pigment powder. Since I only have black and grey i figured that red would be more interesting and put some egg yolk and blood in a jar." She was confused.

"Is this your period blood?"

"No it's blood, blood"

"Where did you get it then"

"...well...i just had to make a small incision on my ankle"

"....and why on your ankle miss y/L/n ?"

"Well it's the place that bleeds the most with the littlest pain, and it's also easier to clean and hide..."

"And How Would you know that"

There was a longer pause between you two.

"I expect an answer y/n"

"... I...I just do"

"Try harder, I am not buying it "

"I...I used to self harm...I just...now i know how it bleeds and how much does it hurts"

"..i had no idea I'm sorry"

"It's fine I'm okay now, it took me the apocalypse but i figured if the world is ending with us i should try to stay clean"

"Can I see your drawing ?"

"Yes sure bit i thought you were trying to read ?"

"Yes i wanted to but the couch is uncomfortable"

"Yes that's why I sit here it's better...here have a seat"

You said as you patted the place next to you.

"Here ?"

"Yes, well of you want to of course."

"I do"

There was something in the air between you two and you could feel it.

"When did you start this ? It looks really good, were you an artist before ?"

"Yesterday, and well not as a job but I did practice a lot"

"Anyways you have a lot of talent."

"Thank you, do you want to draw too? I can give you one of the paper sheets i made"

"No thank you"

"Okay"

You two sat there for a few hours until it was time to go back to your rooms, you offered to take her and she kindly accepted. As you were before the door she read a message that was on the door

"I can't help you tonight i had to go and clean something "

"Shit" she cursed behind her breath

"What was that ?" You asked softly "is everything okay ?"

"Yes" she replied coldly, it was odd especially since she had been sweet to you the whole time.

"I can tell there is something wrong, can I help ? You do so much for us, i just want to give you a hand in return"

She didn't say anything as she was considering letting you in, after all you had been nice all along, she could try and trust you. Could she ?

"You can trust me you know. Whatever it is i won't tell them"

She opened her door slightly and pulled you in. Suddenly her stance had changed, she was more tired, more vulnerable, and cute? Yes definitely she looked so sweet.

"..well..this is embarrassing, i"

"Don't be embarrassed around me miss venable, everyone needs a little help every once in awhile, it's also nice to see you like this"

"What do you mean like this ?"

"Well I mean without anyone else to bother us, and you know...like you're normal self"

"I'm not normal y/l/n"

"Please call me y/n, and You are... I mean normal as in being yourself... without trying to scare everyone"

She giggled softly and a smile crept up your face.

"See just like this"

You both stared at each other before you could ask her what she needed help with.

"So you need me for something ?"

".. yes..you see usually miss mead helps me change since I can't pull the zipper of my dresses in my... condition"

"Sure okay...so just turn around and I'll unzip you" you began to make her spin but she stopped you

"Wait..you need to know...i have scoliosis...it looks disgusting.."

"Do you want me to close my eyes if it'd make you more comfortable ? The last thing I want is to hurt you by trying to help. But know that I won't judge you, especially if it's about a physical appearance you can't help with. You know our bodies is what keeps us alive, i spent all my life trying to destroy mine in everyway possible because the feeling of being inside of it was to unbearable. But it turns out my body is what makes me feel, smile, laugh, smell and love. I would not be there if she wasn't. So i had to learn to be kinder to myself"

Her eyes were watery as she took your words in. It was so out of character for her, she always seemed to have everything together but in reality she was a big softy struggling with self image.

"Oh no please don't cry, i don't want to see you be sad." You said as you held her cheek, it was a bold move but she didn't seem to be mad about it.

You decided to stay in front of her to unzip her, and reach behind her to find the hell of her dress.

She flinched lighltly as you dragged it down her spine, and she didn't have time to catch her dress as it fell at her feet. She wore this purple lingerie gown underneath and you couldn't help but stare at her body.

"Oh God, I'm sorry. Leave now please"

"Don't be sorry it's fine, here" you picked her dress up and covered her with it.

"You have nothing to be ashamed of Wilhelmina, you are breathtakingly beautiful"

You left as you pecked her cheek and smiled at her while she looked at you stunned and blushing.

God what were you doing to her ?

Vegetable Ramen

I will start off this post saying that I royally screwed up this dish. I don’t know where I went wrong as I followed the recipe to a T but somehow ended up with more of a chow mein dish rather than a soup. However, I still would recommend trying to cook ramen yourself as I believe it is simple enough to do on your own despite my mistakes. Then you can brag to your friends on instagram about your dish before you go back to eating instant noodles.

Vegetable Ramen Ingredients

1 tbsp sesame oil

3 cloves of garlic, diced

3 tbsp soy sauce

2 tbsp rice wine vinegar

5 cups of chicken stock

1/2 cup mushrooms

2 eggs

1 cup spinach

2 (3 oz packs) of ramen noodles

1 cup of carrots

Vegetable Ramen Recipe

Heat sesame oil in a pot over medium heat. Add the garlic and cook for a minute or until soft and fragrant.

Stir in soy sauce and rice wine vinegar. Cook for another minute.

Add the chicken stock and bring to a simmer. Simmer for 5 minutes.

Add mushrooms. Simmer for another 10 minutes.

On the side, bring a small pot of water to a boil and add the eggs. Cook for about 7 minutes for a slightly runny yolk. Remove eggs from the pot and immediately dunk them in ice water to stop the cooking process. Peel the shells and then slice the eggs in half lengthwise. Set aside.

Bring another pot of water to a boil. Add spinach and cook for one minute. Remove from the pot and run under cold water to stop the cooking process. Drain and set aside.

Add ramen noodles to the stock mixture and cook for about 2-3 minutes.

Serve in a large bowl. Top with the eggs, spinach, carrots, and green onions.

Ramen: the ultimate broke college student meal. While some speculation remains of the dish’s origin, the most plausible theory is that Chinese immigrants brought the dish over to Yokohama Chinatown in Japan in the 19th century. Funnily enough, the reason for it’s popularity is similar to that of why it’s the staple college student meal: financial hardship. After Japan was defeated in WWII, the country faced a rice shortage as it reduced rice production during the war. So when America occupied the country, it flooded the market with cheap wheat flour to manage the food crisis. As a result, many Japanese citizens relied on ramen sold by black markets to survive the inefficient food distribution process, and since then, wheat noodles have become a staple of Japanese food culture.

Of course, there is an easier way of making ramen: instant noodles, which I will probably be sticking to from now on since the process is just easier. Though like I said in the beginning, I think everyone should try at least once to cook ramen themselves. After that, you can go back to instant noodles or eating at ramen shops. As for the history of instant noodles, a man named Momofuku Ando invented them in 1958, and the invention received almost unanimous praise as it allowed people to make ramen in minutes. It was actually dubbed Japan’s greatest invention of the 20th century in a Japanese poll.

So in conclusion, try making ramen once and then be a lazy college student. You won’t (maybe) regret it.

We hear the word a lot, it’s what separates males from females and men from boys. So what exactly is it? It is the principle male sex hormone and acts as an anabolic steroid. Having lower testosterone can have horrendous effects on men: decreased muscle mass, weight gain, reduced energy levels, and lower libido.

In a study conducted by VA Puget Sound Health Care Systems and the University of Washington, Seattle, found that “about 19 percent  had low testosterone levels; 28 percent  had varying low and normal levels”. In addition, testosterone levels decrease 1.5% every year after age 30. Which means you become less of a man every year past age 30. It was also found that “men with low testosterone levels had an 88 percent increase in risk of death compared with those who had normal levels”.

So with all this negativity, is there any hope for man? Yes.

There are plenty of ‘natural’ ways to increase your testosterone levels.

1. Vitamin D3. This vitamin has been linked to increasing testosterone in men and increasing sex drive. (Source)

2. Eat your steak and whole eggs. Testosterone is derived from cholesterol. Sure egg whites and grilled chicken might be a great way to get your protein in, but cutting the red meat and yolks won’t help raise your testosterone. Eggs are very nutrient dense, eat the yolks and reap the benefits. Same goes along with red beef, enjoy your steak. (Source)

3. Workout. Pushing and pulling heavy weights in a compound movement (squats, deadlifts, benching, clean and press, etc.) cause a hormonal change in the body, producing more testosterone (with proper diet of course). (Source)

4. Avoid sugar. It will increase your insulin levels. Not only is that linked to weight gain, but also a reduction in testosterone levels. (Source)

5. Eat your fats. Don’t leave out olive oil, peanut oils, avocados, egg yolks, nuts, and red meat (grass fed). (Source)

Just following these few points can have a dramatic effect on increasing your testosterone levels; your sex drive will rocket, your hard work from the gym will start to show, and women will be so turned on by your pheromones. Moral of the story: don’t underestimate the most important hormone in your body, it’s THAT important.

https://www.returnofkings.com/152812/10-ways-that-modern-society-lowers-your-testosterone-levels

It is no surprise that the current world agenda seeks to destroy men from within but also from the outside at the same time. Only by attacking from all angles can their plans come to fruition. We do not know exactly when this attack started, but in recent years, it has become clear that the intensity of the current agenda’s intentions has increased tenfold.

Why are men targeted? Could it be the fact that by reducing the amount of true men with testes they reduce the chances that authentic revolutions against oppressive governments will happen? Any voice of reason against a corrupt society would swiftly be silenced. It happened 2,000 years ago (Jesus), and it is happening now more aggressively than it has ever happened in history.

Let’s see how men are being targeted for total destruction and implicitly and how to avoid these attacks…

1. Our Food Is Filled With Hormones, Antibiotics And Pesticides

Hormones are abundantly in beef, chicken or dairy products. We eat these daily, however, the hormones have an impact on a man’s health. Testosterone levels are lowered and estrogen levels increase. Manboobs, anyone?

Pesticides are well known chemicals that cause infertility and lower testosterone levels. Yet non-organic vegetables and fruits are abundant in life threatening toxins.

2. Cycling And Jogging

Doing physical activities is so beneficial that writing down all the benefits here would take forever. Yet there are a few physical activities which are unhealthy for the human body. Those kind of activities which have never been done by our ancestors.

For obvious reasons, cycling is unnatural because it uses an invented device. Constant pressure on the testes leads to infertility, reduces testosterone production and diseases.

Like cycling, jogging is an unnatural activity. Our ancestors would either walk or sprint, never jog. It is a useless activity. Jogging and cycling are activities which put continuous and constant stress on the body, leading to an overall decrease in testosterone over time. Do you think it is a coincidence that so much emphasis is being put on activities such as jogging and cycling?

3. Blue Light Bulbs

Blue light exposure has been linked to decreased testosterone levels. It is everywhere. Naturally occurring only in the morning when it helps the body wake up, nowadays we see it right until we close our eyes and go to bed. It is in our phone and computer screens, but most importantly, it is used to illuminate our rooms, bedside lamps and our offices.

Due to “environmental” reasons, it was decided that the classic incandescent bulb uses up too much energy, therefore it is better to use the new LED bulbs with carcinogenic gases.

You can’t run and you can’t hide. These blue-light bulbs are everywhere, creating anxiety and making us feel constantly tired. A tired mind is easy to control, and so is a low testosterone individual.

4. Our Drinking Water Is Filled With Female Hormones

Let me explain. The tap water that you drink also contains treated and cleaned water from our toilets, no mystery here. What we don’t know is that the hormones from a female’s period are flushed down with this same water. Chlorine does not remove hormones, it removes bacteria.

Drinking bottled water could be a solution, but then again, the plastic is also carcinogenic and also lowers our testosterone. Unless we have our own spring, we are fucked.

5. Sugar

Sugar reduces our metabolism to that of a sloth and promotes cancer. It also dramatically lowers our will to do anything meaningful with our lives. It takes down our testosterone due to our bodies prioritizing insulin production. It is addictive, more so than heroin, as proven on lab rats.

6. Aspartame

In an effort to soothe the minds of people concerned with sugar, they have created an even worst product called aspartame. Aspartame produces neurotoxins that excite our nerve cells so much that they die. However, our brain protects itself with a barrier from excess neurotoxins. If the barrier is passed, neurons are killed. The pituitary and pineal glands are also affected, leading to a disruption in our circadian natural rhythm.

Aspartame lowers testosterone and avid consumers would require a prolonged time for their testosterone to recover.

7. Veganism

Veganism is another new fad that keeps people excited about healthy lifestyles. What they don’t know is that this diet is aimed at reducing our aggressiveness and making us docile animals like say… sheep.

Go ahead and tame a lion. Obviously, veganism lowers testosterone and the lack of vitamins and nutrients, which I will explain in future articles, further leads to a pale and unforgiving future for our bodies and brains.

8. Soy

Soy has been part of the hype train of miraculous natural super foods for some decades now. Soy is an estrogenic food and guess what? It lowers your testosterone.

It should be simple by now: anything that is being promoted by the mainstream media should be considered false and damaging to our well-being.

9. The War On Fats

This is another worldwide mass deception promoted by the mainstream doctors and media. Fat is actually healthy and it helps reduce cholesterol due to the fact that if the body receives external cholesterol, then it does not need to produce it on its own, which would lead to the bad cholesterol in our blood.

Testosterone feeds on cholesterol. The higher amount of testosterone you will have, the lower your cholesterol will be. And the more external cholesterol you bring in, the more the testosterone can thrive and increase.

Eating fat meat will increase your health and improve  your metabolism (unless you have some condition, in which case you should seek a doctor’s advice).

10. Coffee

Yes exactly, coffee. Caffeine is poison used by plants to protect themselves. Guess what happens when you ingest coffee every day?

Coffee depletes the adrenal glands responsible for regulating our hormones. Combined this with stress and we are sure to fall into an adrenal exhaustion. Testosterone is also one of those hormones, and when the adrenal glands become depleted, there is no way to produce any free or total testosterone within your body.

It takes three weeks to get rid of caffeine. Do you know why caffeine produces bowel movements? Because the body wants to get rid of the poison.

Conclusion

In case you are wondering what would be the best course of action to avoid exposure to factors that are detrimental to our health, the solution is as always simple: life should be lived the way it was meant to, in accordance with nature.

Stanuary Week 1: Burn

AN: Takes place in canon when the Stans are young, maybe 9 years old.   TW: Bullying, 2nd degree burns  @stanuary

Stan and Ford were sitting under a tree in a park, trying not to sweat.  The park was right across the street from Aunt Sheila’s house.  Ma had taken them there for “family bonding time,” but let them run out after Stan got bored and started shooting rubber bands at her doll collection.  It was so hot that Ford had left his aviator jacket inside, and the two of them wore shorts instead of their usual pants.  It was so hot their clothes felt like flannel. Ford sorely wished he could jump straight into the ocean and not come out till sunset.

Unfortunately, the park was too far from the beach to walk there, although it was close enough that it still got decent tourist traffic.  The ice cream truck had essentially parked at the curb for the day. Normally Stan would’ve been over there conning tourists out of their frozen confections, but today it was almost too hot to move.  The only reason they had the tree shade to themselves was that Ford intentionally left his hands out of his pockets – most of the kids who came close ran away screaming. It was nice to use his freak powers to his advantage for a change.

In the meantime, Stan had taken to describing the park and all its features as if they were his mortal enemies.  

“There it is, Sixer,” Stan whispered.  “The greatest weapon of destruction this park has ever known.”

Ford rolled his eyes.  “It’s a metal slide, Stanley.”

“It’s a metal slide in winter.  In the summer it’s a torture device invented by someone with a deep and fathomless hatred of children.”

“Stan.”

“And that see saw,” Stan said dramatically, pointing to the plastic alligator.  “Is a kid catapult waiting to happen.  Seriously. I want to know who designed playground equipment to be a torture device.”

“Stanleeeeey, it’s too hot to hate inanimate objects,” Ford groaned.  “What did the park ever do to you.”

“You haven’t seen the things I’ve seen, brother dear.”

Ford huffed and closed his eyes.  It was too hot to exist.  At what temperature did humans spontaneously combust?  

“Bet we could fry an egg on that slide,” Stan mumbled.  “What do you think?  Gotta be hot enough.”

“Maybe.”

“Bet we could.”

“Mmm.”

“C’mon, it’s a science experiment that involves vandalizing public property. Plus we’ll get a snack out of it.”

“You want to eat cooked food?  In this weather?”

The grass beside him rustled.  Ford cracked an eye open to see Stanley stumble to his feet, then stagger dramatically across the grass towards the street toward their aunt’s house.  Ford thought about calling after him, but the heat utterly sapped his energy.  He closed his eyes and pretended not to exist. He heard someone step closer, then give a choked gasp and hurry away.  He clenched his fists and pretended even harder.

A few minutes later he heard more footsteps and this time felt a tap on one foot. He looked up to see Stanley bending over him, grinning, an egg in each hand.

“I got the goods,” he said in a corny Chicago accent.

“Great. Now keep standing there, you’re giving me extra shade.”

“Nu-uh, Mr. Scientist.  You’re gonna come do science things with me.  I’ll let you use fancy words like ‘experiment’ and ‘hypotenuse’ and everything.”

“I think you mean ‘hypothesis,’” Ford grumbled, but he let Stan pull him to his feet and the two of them wandered to the slide.  Ford couldn’t even look directly at the metal; it gleamed too brightly in the sun, and he could actually feel the heat radiate off of it like a physical force.  “Geez, maybe this thing really is hot enough.  That would have to be, what, at least 144 degrees Fahrenheit, so 62.6 degrees Celsius?”

“Heck if I know.  Ready?”

“Yeah, why not?”

Stan handed him an egg.  The two of them tapped the shells against the slide, then cracked it.  The eggs actually hissed quietly as they slid over the metal, and immediately the albumins, mucoproteins, and globulin began to coagulate.  Ford said as much.

“So, the egg white is turning white?” Stan asked.

“That’s what I said.  You said I could use fancy words,” he pointed out.

“I regret so much of my life.”

“Whoa,” said a voice from behind them.  “Check it out, there really are six fingers!”

They whipped around.  A kid slightly older and taller looked down at them, a toddler clutching her leg, staring wide-eyed at Ford’s hands.  He hid them behind his back.

“Whoa, you can count to six!” Stan said, equally wide-eyed.  “That’s so impressive!  You should get a medal!”

The girl scowled.  “Shut up, Ioser, I wasn’t talking to you.  Hey,” she addressed Ford.  “are you cursed or something?  Six is like, a devil number, you know.”

“I’m not cursed.”

“Are you sick or something?”

Stan stepped up, toe to toe with her.  “The only thing sick around here is you.  Get lost.”

“Let’s just go,” Ford mumbled, reaching for Stan’s shoulder.  The toddler saw his hand and gave a shriek.

“Don’t scare her!” the older kid said sharply, shoving Stan aside to scowl at Ford.

Stan shoved her back.  “She’s only scared ‘cuz you’re teaching her stupid superstitions!”

“I told you to shut up!”

“And I told you –”

“Stop, stop!”

Ford moved forward, reaching to pull Stan away from the shoving match. The older kid whirled on him and shoved, hard.  The metal slide was directly behind him.  He fell backwards and braced himself.  

But instead of hot metal, he landed on Stan’s lap with Stan underneath him, screaming as the hot metal slide seared his legs.

“Stanley!”

Ford leaped to his feet and pulled his brother off.  Stan stumbled forward, one hand held out behind him, not touching his thighs.  Ford leaned over to look and sucked in his breath.  Stan somehow hadn’t hit the cooked eggs, but the backs of his thighs were now two angry red burns already beginning to blister.

“Ow,” Stan whimpered.

“Get him ice!” Ford shouted at the kid, but she just squeaked and darted away, the toddler right behind her.  None of the other kids were close and every adult was conveniently looking in the opposite direction.  Ford gritted his teeth.  “Fine, c’mon, we gotta get to Sheila’s house.  She’ll have a freezer and we can cover your burns in egg whites, too.”

“You gonna cook an egg on me now?” Stan asked weakly.

“No, if you combine egg whites with silver sulfadiazine cream and apply it to second-degree burns –”

“Sixer, I’m too injured for science right now.”

“Lean on me, just walk slow.”

Stan obeyed, still bent over like an old man.  The day was still boiling hot, but by the time they were halfway across the grass, Stan’s hand was cold and clammy in Ford’s.  His breathing came in trembly gasps and Ford was sweating from stress as much as heat.  He’d never seen his brother in so much pain before.  Why did this always happen?  It was just like last summer with the pitchforks, only this time his brother got hurt!

“Mom!” Ford shouted as soon as they made the front door.  “Mom!  Aunt Sheila!  MOM! STAN’S HURT!”

Sheila’s house was old and reeked of cats.  The front door opened into the living room, with a hallway on the left that led to the kitchen and staircase.  There came an abrupt clatter of teacups and Ma appeared in the hallway, curls of hair plastered to her face in the heat.  Aunt Sheila appeared behind her, a near-copy of their mom but with blond hair and thinner lips.

“What happened this time?” Aunt Sheila sniffed.  “Throw a rock at a cat?”

“Someone pushed him onto the slide and his legs are blistering, look!”  He pulled Stan gently forward, turning him so they could see his legs.

Ma paled.  “Stan!”

“Am I poached or scrambled?” he asked weakly.

“Sheila, I’ll take some of your ice in a towel,” Ma ordered.  “Stanford, I want ten egg yolks and a baster to spread them with.  We’ll start with the ice, let me know when the eggs are ready.”

“Hey,” Stan protested, when Ford immediately moved for the kitchen.

“I’ll be right back.”

“And you’ll be on the couch,” Ma said, taking Ford’s place in front of Stan. “Go on, couch time.  You’ll lie on your stomach.”

“I’ll be back with the ice,” Sheila promised, then disappeared into the kitchen. Ford followed her.  “Stanford, eggs will be in the refrigerator, top shelf on the left.  Baster is in the drawer under the sink.”

“Thank you.”

They worked quickly, and his aunt hurried to the next room with the ice pack. It really worried Ford that he couldn’t hear his brother’s voice.  Normally he’d be taking full advantage of the special treatment.  And those blisters – he’d never seen a burn that bad.  

He had to crack extra eggs because his hands kept shaking and the shell would puncture the yoke, but eventually he finished the bowl with just a little curl of yellow in it and brought it to the living room with the baster.  Stan was lying on his stomach on the couch, both hands tightly gripping the couch cushions, the ice pack resting on his thighs.

“I have the egg whites,” Ford said, hurrying forward.

Ma nodded.  “Good. Alright, Stan, time to make like a Thanksgiving turkey.”

Stan grunted but stayed still.

Ma motioned Ford over and took the bowl while Sheila removed the ice pack. They were almost worse than before, huge clear bubbles stretched over Stan’s skin.  

“It’s not so bad,” Sheila said, catching sight of his face.  “Egg whites are an old trick and a good one.  Since we’re treating him right away, he shouldn’t even scar.”

Ma dipped the basting brush in the egg whites, then swept it gently over Stan’s left thigh.

Immediately Stan screamed, left leg kicking out.  Ford jumped forward and grabbed his ankle, holding Stan’s leg down as his scream turned into a moan.  Ma quickly brushed him again, moving fast to slather the area before moving to the next leg.  Ford stared at the back of his brother’s head, the way his shoulders bunched with pain. Ford was hot.  Way too hot.  He was flooded with heat.  He saw Stan’s head pressed deep into the cushions to muffle his yells and he felt like his very blood was boiling and his gut roiled with lava.  

He didn’t even notice when he’d switched legs, but Ma rapped his knuckles sharply with the handle of the baster and he let go.

“We’re done,” she was saying, or something like it, and then Ford was next to his brother, squeezing Stan’s hand in both of his.

“You don’t – have to apologize,” Stan gasped into the pillows.

Ford hadn’t even realized he was talking.  “You shouldn’t have been hurt,” he said, and his voice sounded far away. “Don’t scream like that again.”

“Like – I’m being burned?  Gee, okay.”

“It’s not funny.  It’s not funny.”

“Hey.”  Stan turned his head so their eyes could meet.  His face was white and drawn with pain.  Ford realized with a shock that there were tears in his eyes.  “Don’t – guh – don’t cry.  Could – you squeeze harder?  It helps – I don’t know why –”

Ford squeezed until Stan’s fingertips turned purple.

“Better,” Stan said, blinking hard.  “That – metal slide – really has it – out for me.”

Ford choked out a laugh.  “You’re practically mortal enemies.”

A hint of a smile curved Stan’s mouth.  “Yeah. Stan Man – versus – Slide Slayer. That’s – comic book origin, right there. Bet I could – make a comic –”

“Not today you won’t,” Ma said, coming back into the room.  She had a pill in one hand and a glass of water in the other.  “Here.  Nothing like an allergy pill to knock you out cold.”

“Cold would be good,” Stan managed.

Ford helped him tilt his head at an angle so he could drink the water, and Stan choked down the pill.  Ma took the cup back with a sigh.

“Nothing else to do but wait.  Ah, well. Your Pa’ll be by around 5 to pick us up. Ford, you come get me and Sheila if he wakes up or needs a fresh batch of egg whites; we’ll reapply those every time the old layer dries.”

“Yes, Ma,” Ford said.

“You’ll stay?” Stan asked Ford, after she’d left.

“I’ll stay,” Ford promised.

“Those kids,” he said suddenly.  “You’re not – cursed.  Okay?”

“I know I’m not.”

“Good.”  Stan squeezed his eyes shut.  A tear leaked out and ran across the bridge of his nose.  

“Please don’t cry!”

“Hurts.”

“You’ll go to sleep soon,” Ford said, somewhat desperately.  “And!  And! This totally gives you bragging rights. Right now you are absolutely hotter than anyone else in that whole park.  You’re literally Hot Stuff!”

Stan sputtered, a grin tugging his lips.  “Ha.  I was already – hot stuff.  This just – makes me – Hotter Stuff.”

His grip on Ford’s hands was already going slack.  It took a few long minutes, but eventually Stan fell asleep. Ford didn’t let go of Stan’s hand, though.  

“I’m not cursed,” he said quietly.  “I know I’m not, because I have a brother like you.”

The Ketogenic Diet And Bodybuilding

When you're into this particular type of diet, you won't have along with long-term safe guarding. For instance, individuals who want to get bigger muscles will understand that it is easier you should do because a person keeping proper protein ratio and weight loss and not muscle. End up being be impossible to survive your life insurance coverage on a decreased calorie diet but you'll survive off this plan because are not in a caloric restrictive mode. The most diverse protein source considering that it can be cooked in many distinct simple ways. Entire eggs can contain substantial ranges of cholesterol so that is best to lessen the yolk to egg white ratio to 1:three. So for each three three egg whites use 1 yolk. The egg whites contain excess fat and substantial protein. A entire boiled egg includes six.3g of protein, ten.3g of fat and .56g of carbohydrates.

Supposedly people can eat as much fat once they want, but at the beginning of diet program part of latest Diet Generate. Atkins encourages people to: "feel satisfied instead of stuffed." (p. 123). Is actually also clear that Dr. Atkins is shooting for a ketogenic fat burning state, that they tries to call lipolysis instead of ketosis, and also to pretend it is a different state from that of advanced diabetics (who enter ketosis since their body cells can extended use glucose). In fact, it will be the same ketosis (no fair inventing new body processes) but individuals are much more unlikely to begin ketoacidosis (out of control ketosis) than diabetics. Most individuals are willing to pay back for half-hearted results whenever they put in under effort and thought. Sad but faithful. The following is a no-brainer plan for dieting. No calorie depending keto diet facts . Often times we find ourselves perpetually dieting which can just never seem to get those last 10 pounds off. Through these situations cranking up the intensity on all fronts (diet and training) for virtually any set time is a healthy way to blast through diet plateau. The following method all of us basically shocking your system out of homeostasis. What I was able to when When i first changed my diet ended up being go onto the Keto Plus Pro Ex Ingredients diet around 5 days straight. (You should look into the Keto Plus Pro Ex Ingredients diet more. Basically it's dieting that gets your body to switch from burning carbohydrates to be a fuel source to weight loss as a fuel source.) You must not exercising and consulting someone experienced this diet (or your physician, if they truly know about it) before doing the item. For the sake of keeping things short, and achieving right perform heart goods "works" (for me anyway), I found that a diet high in fat, protein, fiber and low in carbohydrates kept me from having any episode in! That's right! My diet eliminated my episodes all together and excellent!.but don't ask your doctor(s) about this, because undoubtedly they have no idea in support want to keep you on some health care! It's vital that remember that successful people had to bust ass for an extended time to obtain where these kind of are. They had to suffer innumerable trials and setbacks regarding process. It truly is to just focus about the successes, may well see right here, right now, but that's never fat story.

figuring out how to fit

chapter 2! read chapter one here or here

Guy hadn’t realized that Sam’s shirt was, well, a shirt until two weeks of living with him. 

They had fallen into a rhythm of sorts after a short time. Guy would wake up first, get the morning chores done, then Sam would be quick to follow to make breakfast. Sometimes he fixed two helpings of green eggs and ham and other times he would make Guy and oatmush drizzled with honey and topped with a strawberry because, while it was true that Guy did like the green dish, sometimes it was just a bit too much of a good thing for him. After eating he’d go off to work, leaving Sam to fill his day with whatever he pleased.

When he came home it was the same checklist as the morning but in reverse. Dinner would be fixed, dishes would be put away, depending on Sam’s earlier activities the apartment would be cleaned as they saw fit, they’d sit down and watch a show, and then the two of them would go to bed with Sam curled up against Guy’s side in a peaceful sleep. 

That rhythm was disrupted slightly one night when the temperature rose so high that even the most air conditioned complexes were slightly damp with heat. It was an unexpected heat spike, with no one in town prepared for the weather and what it would bring. All day at work there had been nothing but air conditioner and ice maker repair for Guy, making him rightfully tired and a good bit sweaty when he returned home.

The heat was so bad that even Sam, ball of energy that he was, was lethargically laying on the couch as Guy stepped through the threshold. 

“Oh I’m sorry, didn’t realize you were so busy. Should I come back later?” Guy said, sarcasm and humor dripping from his voice. 

To his credit, Sam actually managed a drowsy, half hearted raspberry in Guy’s direction before flopping back against the couch once again. 

The night moved slowly as ever. The two lazily made dinner and ate without much of their normal chit chat. Both were too hot and too worn to even bother with the dishes and after an icy shower for Guy followed by a cool bath for Sam, they decided to head off to bed without much of their usual nightly fanfare of cleaning and watching tv. It was fine by Guy, who wanted nothing more than a long night of sleep.

As he was getting himself tucked in however, Sam did something he’d never seen the slight Who do before. Sam reached down to the hem of his shirt, which Guy had always just assumed was part of the pattern of his fur, and lifted it above his head.

“It is definitely waaaaay too hot to sleep in that thing. I’m gonna have to wash it tomorrow just to today’s funky flow off of it.” 

Guy only half paid attention to the words Sam was saying. His eyes were fixed on the other’s form, more accurately, his stomach. The fur on Sam’s chest faded in color as it got closer to his center. The bright and vibrant yellow fading to a calm and mellow shade of itself. It looked softer as well compared to the rest of himself. But the real attention grabber was the star, a light white color that almost faded in with the rest of the yellow, but was just bright enough to be seen, that was placed on his belly.

Without thinking about the words, Guy opened his mouth to state his observation.

“You’re part Sneetch.”

The words were blunt, with a hint of awe at this new fact that he had just learned about his best friend. 

For a second he worried that he had said the wrong thing as he noticed Sam’s face blush a light pink in the fading light of their moonlit room.

“Uh, yeah I guess I am. I mean, I never really bothered to check with one of those Who-N-A test thingies but I sure do have the star!” Sam puffed up his form slightly and positioned his hands in a display like form for his star. 

There was something stiff about his movements though that had nothing to do with the heat. 

“Come on over here.” Guy said. 

Even with the boiling heat Sam still gladly flopped onto Guy as if the Knox was a bed, his back pressed against the chubby comfort of his friend’s body. 

In turn, Guy wrapped his arms around Sam. His fingers went to the soft pattern now on display and was pleased to find that the downy feather like texter was as fluffy as it had seemed from afar. 

“Sam, your mom, was she also a-?”

“No. I mean, not that I could remember. Maybe she was half Sneetch or something but if she was I don’t remember it. I think I must’ve got it from my dad, whoever he might’ve been.” 

Talking about Sam’s parents was always a hard subject. It had gotten easier with time, Sam always making plans to find her and recounting the few and far between stories of what he actually remembered about her to Guy. 

The room was silent for so long that Guy thought for a moment that Sam had managed to drift off to sleep without his knowledge but he could feel the conscious breathing of his friend’s body against his own as they sat there; the kind of breathing that was too precise and even to be accidental. 

“Back at the orphanage,” Sam started again suddenly, “the Sneetch kids would pick on me. The ones without stars said that I wasn’t good enough to play with them. And the ones with stars said that since my star wasn’t green I didn’t belong with them either. After that nobody wanted to play with me because if the Sneetch kids thought you were weird, everyone thought you were weird. So I started wearing a shirt to hide it. Seems pretty stupid to still do it now, I mean, I guess I just got used to it. Hiding it.” 

Every fact Guy learned about Sam’s life before him hurt. How anyone could be so needlessly cruel to him seemed so absurd. But that thought just led to him thinking about his own behavior to Sam before he let him in and that hurt even more. 

“They were nothing but a bunch of yipping stuck up snobs. They wouldn’t know a perfect star if it hit ‘em right in their beaks.” 

With the moon fading behind wisps of clouds Guy couldn’t see Sam’s face, but he could just tell that the other was smiling. 

The heat didn’t seem as unbearable anymore as Sam cuddled further against Guy’s fur. And when Guy finally fell asleep, it was with his hands tightly clasping Sam’s as they rested against the soft fluff of the star on his belly. 

_________

The morning proved to be much more bearable than the night, with the previous temperatures cooling off drastically. It was still slightly unpleasant, but with the right attitude almost unnoticeable. 

When Guy got up and ready that morning he elected to again forgo chores in favor of making breakfast. He wasn’t as good at cooking as Sam was but after a while he found himself becoming halfway decent in the kitchen.

He cracked the eggs, cooked up the ham, and buttered himself oat toast to go right as Sam woke up. He was sad to see that he had his shirt on once again, the golden white star covered up by the sunshine yellow fabric that faded in nicely with the rest of his fur. 

“Well good morning and a rise and shine to you Mister Master Chef! I thought I smelled something utterly delectable cooking.”

Guy rolled his eyes at Sam’s cheery compliments. He didn’t doubt that Sam meant them with all of his heart but he always layered the flattery on thick. 

“It’s just frying up eggs Sam. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out how to do it.”

“No but being a Master Inventor must help the process. You’ve got the nimble, inventive hands just ready to...do whatever it is that inventors do to make a good breakfast!.” 

A plate was placed in front of Sam as Guy held himself back from rolling his eyes again. Twice in one minute couldn’t be healthy for his eyesight, he mused. 

“Enjoy it because that’s the last of it we have. Gonna have to go grocery shopping here soon. I’ll pick something up for dinner tonight so don’t worry about it.”

“I never do.” Although the words coming out of Sam’s egg loaded mouth sounded more like ‘ah nempher dphf.’ 

It was odd how endeared Guy could be with other while egg yolk and ham gravy was dripping down the side of his face. One of Sam’s many charms was that he was the most charming when he wasn’t even trying. 

So, with that thought lingering in his mind, Guy gathered up his toast and his work tools and before heading out the door, leaned down to kiss the corner of Sam’s mouth.

And with that he left, grinning like a cat who caught the canary.

Pre-Dawn Carbonara

Sometimes One goes out One's head / Sometimes One goes mad / Sometimes One makes good with that with which One should make bad

I don't want to alarm you, pre-dawn wanderers, but I think I accidentally invented the Reverse Breakfast Asparagus Carbonara. There was I, just picture it (and only picture it, if you please), at a simple first attempt toward carbonara. However, as you may well know of me, there is no more complexity as to how simple I can become when issued (even by self) a simple task.

(To wit: I over-complicate. Seeming to be clever, but reilly a twit, to wit (And that's all there's to it).)

Distracted by myself, as I always am, I cooked everything in reverse order, separated and beat my whites, only to scramble them back into their yolks, and throughout the pasta water, accidentally turned my sauce into eggs leavened to high heaven. The capocollo I was thawin' in a broken microwave and fryin' in a pan like I was tryin' to double-rei-cure it from dyin'. I went far past al dente with the pasta part of my repast, saving with a quick bake on a plate, dedicated to reverse-desiccate it to a past, more palatial, palate (pronounced, here, "pal-ATE") for One to eat (pronounced, here, "ATE").

I don't even remember sautéing the peppers, though they ring a bell.

As for the asparagus (as for us, I guess), it could not have turned out finer; Out-of-sight, in oven-bounds not bemoaning this One diner. Thankfully (and with one onion, on one's way) out-of-sight.

To whet, to spare us (to wit: not embarrass): breakfast was served, although be it last night.

#reversebreakfastasparaguscarbonara

Today is National Chocolate Eclair Day and National Onion Rings Day It is NOT Discovery Day, finally. Good goddammit.

And good morning.

~

* * *

In lieu of a poem (for you, dearest reader (the only one still reading at this point)), I have especially offered here the first three chapters from a book I never finished writing entitled: How to Read: A Comprehensive Guide. So, if you would like to spend your pre-dawn learning how to read a bit, you may do so now.

Or not. I know it's early.

~ How to Read: A comprehensive guide

First Unit

The Letters Letter One of Twenty-Six (A a) Pronunciation

[fig. 1], [fig. 2] As in the A in "this is how to pronounce the letter A."

[fig.3] As in "I can never remember if tall & large are the same thing when ordering coffee. Also, grande."

[fig. 4] As in the word "chat," which is the French word for "cat" and whose vowel is pronounced as that in "chat," which is the English word for "chat."

[fig. 5], [fig. 6] As in, uh, something.

~

Any alliteration assigns an author as amateurish and asinine. Also: an asshole.

~

A is a wholly unique member of the Alphabet. Not only is it the only letter whose position in the Alphabet is the same as its position in the word "Alphabet" (i.e. first and fifth), but it also begins the majority of single-letter English articles.

The primary nature of A is itself a lesson on the importance of starting things at their beginning. You will find, as you embark upon your quest for literacy, that one of the imperative strategies for reading is to read the beginning of the word first. This is key. In this spirit, our exploration of the Alphabet will commence with the first letter, A, which we have just covered.

Chapter A Exercises

1. Using what you learned in this section, complete the Alphabet:            __ B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z 2. Compile a list of everyone you know whose first initial is A. Then, make a list of people whose last initial is A. Compare the lists. Doesn't the term "last initial" seem odd? I think it does. Letter Two of Twenty-Six (B b)

Pronunciation

Like "be" without the "e" (see E).

~

B was first discovered by early etymologists 45 billion years ago (previously known as 45 illion years ago), sparking a heated fissure that created the rogue, fringe group of ex-classical etymologists, known as "ontologists." 

~

There are no other facts about the letter B. This chapter is over.~Chapter B 

Chapter B Exercises

1. Write a short story using the letter B as a main character. Get it published in every literary magazine in the western world. Forget your dreams of becoming literate. Revel in your fame. Recieve an offer for a movie version of the story. Make a solid bundle. Move to a house made of strong, bare wood with a grand veranda that faces west. The house is on a cool, placid lake. There is a very large bed with very fine linens. Wake each morning in it with different, multiple sex companions who show earnest interest in your story, but know only the details of the film version. Watch less and less television as you see more and more commercials for fast-food figurine toys of the characters from the movie and spend less and less time online as you notice more and more internet ads for the book-on-mp3 version of the novelization of the movie (read by the actor who played B). Wake each morning with people who know nothing of your work nor any literature, really. Begin drinking first thing in the morning. Duck calls from your publisher, from the movie people. Curse the sunset from the veranda. Throw empty liquor bottles at the lake. Fall down your hard, wooden staircase and wake hours later, bleeding, in a small pool of vomit. Wonder how it has come to this. Buy a yacht and set fire to it. Cry every day, all day, in a soft and slow way. Breathe. Dig a shallow hole in the backyard, near the water, near the ashes, and sit in it. Hug the shovel and wait for rain that will not come. Do not shiver in the cool night that beaches itself in from the lake. Breathe. Think of another story, a longer one. One about a man who has nothing and is happy. He dies at the end, in a slow and terrible way and he regrets his happiness. He denies it and then he dies. Do not commit this story to paper or memory. Forget quickly its nuance. Make a mental note to buy a gun. Breathe. Letter Three of Twenty-Six (C c)

Pronunciation

C is pronounced like S (see ch. 19) or K (see ch. 11), as in "civic" and "coelacanth."

When C is paired with H (see ch. 8) it can have a pronunciation as in "lichen" and "chronometer."

~

While C is often referred to as the "bronze medal letter," its third-string placement in the Alphabet belies the integral role it plays in the world. Without C one couldn't comprehend. One couldn't compose. One couldn't couldn't. Without C the chaste would stop abstaining, in haste. It would be chaos, which would be haos, which is so absurd that this hapter is over.

Chapter C Exercises

1. Try to write an entire phrase without using this segment's letter. You will find that it is impossible.

The Best Pie of the Forgotten Realms

Let me tell you, this is probably the hardest I’ve ever worked to come up with a recipe, and the results are… well, you’ll see. Buckle up Wafflefam, it’s a long one. I can’t promise you it will be interesting, but I CAN promise you you’ll learn a lot about edible lichen.

The journey began with collecting what we canonically know about Jarlaxle’s pie: Chris called it a “Luskan fractal helix apple pie”, and its ingredients are common enough that you can find them already in Strix’s shop or in a Waterdhavian market, the two exceptions being Kara-Tur pears and a specific type of white, aquatic lichen that acts as a substitute to cinnamon. We also know that before getting the two secret ingredients, Strix was already working on the pie for about an hour or more; she then needed a performance check to successfully assemble it, and the pie baked “through the night”. Oh, and also, the pie is ultimately poisoned. More on that later.

The first thing I did was figuring out a “real world” counterpart to the secret ingredients, so that I could design the recipe around them rather than trying to cram them in a traditional apple pie.

The choice was easy for the Kara-Tur pears: Kara-Tur first appeared in the Oriental Adventures book for AD&D in 1985, and it doesn’t seem to have changed much since. As far as I can tell, the only mention of Kara-Tur in 5E is a brief paragraph in the Sword Coast Adventurer’s Guide, where it says that “Far to the east […] lie the empires of Shou Lung, Kozakura, Wa, and the other lands of the vast continent of Kara-Tur”. It’s probably a safe bet to assume these are the equivalent of our real-world China, Japan and Korea. So at least that’s easy to search: we need an Asian pear that is not that common in the West. You don’t have to look far to find the ideal candidate, the nashi pear; also called Asian pear, it’s grown almost exclusively in Japan, Nepal and China, and nowhere commercially in Europe or the US, which makes it a rather difficult fruit to find in the West. I also discovered when researching it that it was called “apple-pear” in several languages, so if that’s not a sign that it belongs in the best apple pie of the Realms, I don’t know what is. Now actually getting the nashi pears was kind of a pain, and after visiting several markets and shops and finding a big fat nothing, I gave up and ordered some online. Which, as you can imagine, makes it by far the most expensive ingredients that goes into the pie. I think I paid more for two pears than for all the other ingredients combined, but anyway, I’ll just be happy it fits into the theme of the rare and hard-to-get ingredient.

Let’s get to the white underwater lichen, shall we? Now THIS was a far more complicated treasure chase. At first I thought I could get away with using some kind of algae or seaweed, since there are so many edible ones, but nooo, that’s not what lichen is, you silly goose: it’s an organism made of types of fungi living in symbiosis with bacteria that use photosynthesis (most commonly algae). In other words, lichen is a moss-mushroom. A mossroom. This led me on a many-hours search of what types of lichen were edible, hoping against hope that I could just go and scrap some off of the trees and rocks in the forest nearby (spoiler alert: I couldn’t). I finally settled on three potential candidates for “best cinnamon substitute in pastry”: Umbilicaria, kalpasi, and Iceland moss.

Umbilicaria (pictured above) is also called “rock tripe” in North America. It was a good candidate because, while not strictly aquatic, it does grow better on seaside cliffs and it is harvested in rainy weather. Its colours vary from black to light gray, so, that’s not white, but grayish could be close enough. I ultimately didn’t go with this one for another reason: it’s a delicacy in Japan, where it’s called “iwatake”, and that’s pretty much the only place where I could order some from. And it might seem petty, but I didn’t want the two secret ingredients to come from the same region of the world. There’s no fun in that.

Kalpasi (above) also seemed like a good choice: it’s an Indian spice composed of ground up greyish-brown lichen, used in meat dishes. I liked it because, unlike other types of lichen, this one is supposed to actually taste good, with earthy, almost truffle-like tones. And we all know truffles always make a dish 50% fancier. For those interested, you can sometimes find it in the West in specialized shops, under the names kalpasi or dagad phool.

Coming down to the last one, Iceland moss! Despite its name, it is indeed a lichen and not a moss. I eventually settled on this one, for three reasons:

1)      It’s not always white, but it can be.

2)      It has been used as an unusual ingredient by the inventive chef René Redzepi in his two-Michelin-star restaurant Noma, in Copenhagen, considered one of the best restaurants in the world. The meals are… interesting, to say the least. Anyway, if it’s good enough to warrant two Michelin stars, we might as well use it.

3)      As its name indicates, it grows in Iceland, more specifically on lava slopes. It’s not underwater, but I like the exoticism it brings to the table, in contrast to the other ingredients. Moreover, I don’t know how much of 4E has been retconned over the years, but I like the idea of Jarlaxle stumbling upon a rare type of white lichen on an ancient lava slope in Gauntlgrym just before he accidentally released Maegera (yes, the same one) and caused the eruption that destroyed Neverwinter. It gives a bit of flavor to the lichen, pun intended.

 Here’s a picture of the bag I bought. It’s not the whitest, but it’ll do.

And there we are, the first step is done, we have our secret ingredients. For the more mundane ones, I went as “high-end medieval fantasy cooking” as I could:

-          Waterdeep flour is most likely made in a traditional mill, probably water- or donkey-powered, so the flour I’ll be using comes from an abbey where it is made traditionally by monks who only sell it there. I’m not even joking. It’s an hour and a half away from where I live but I always make sure to pick up a few bags when I’m in the vicinity. It’s the finest flour I have ever seen, and I’m not exaggerating when I say it flows like water. The stuff is mesmerizing. Do you think they make flour in the Spires?

-          The butter is also locally sourced from a dairy just outside my hometown, it’s partly made with the milk of cows I can see from my window. I don’t think the taste is that different from generic/industrial butter, but it’s as fresh as I can get, and I think that’s closer to what would be available in Waterdeep.

-          Nothing much I can do about the powdered sugar, so it’s just store-bought. I could not find any mentions of sugar in official D&D sources, so I’m assuming they get the expensive one from Kara-Tur and they make the regular one from sugar beets, or that they use honey as a sweetener. We’ll just assume Strix gets hers from her Heward’s handy spice pouch, because we only need a small quantity of it.

-          The eggs, on the other hand, come straight up from my grandma’s chickens. There are just 4 of them but their pen is bigger than her house and they eat like kings because the entire extended family feed them all their leftovers. I figure Strix probably raises her chickens the same way, or at least with the same amount of love. Their yolk is a bright yellow that you can’t get from anywhere else, and it makes for a good-looking pastry.

-          Similarly, the apples come from my grandfather’s apple tree. It’s an exceptional tree that produces so much that 2 other varieties have been grafted on its trunk over the years; it now produces three different kinds of apple. We’re obviously a few months after the season though, so I’m using apples from Fall 2018 that were in my freezer. Not the freshest of ingredients, especially compared to the rest, but it’s the most “organic” apples I can get. I don’t think Waterdeep’s orchards use GMOs.

 Now we need to find a way to make all of this into the best apple pie possible. On a sidenote here, I realize I’m not going to come up with the best apple pie ever out of the blue and simply by adding a strange fruit and an even stranger spice. My goal is for the pie to be the best it can be, while making it interesting enough so that a pie critic from the Forgotten Realms would be delighted enough to kiss a trash-tiefling.

First we need to figure out what Strix is doing to get the pie ready while her companions are fighting wererats and fishing treasure chests. I decided to use my tried-and-true crust recipe, which I have already posted here. It’s a bit long to make, as you need to make the dough, let it cool down for at least 30 minutes, and bake it blind for 10 to 15 minutes; that could be what Strix is doing during the hour+ when the others are away. It’s also way more buttery than most pastry recipes, and it’s a bit unusual in its use of powdered sugar, which I feel makes it closer to what the game’s recipe could be, because, well, it’s non-traditional. Given his choice of ingredients, Jarlaxle is obviously more on the disruptive side of baking.

Next, the filling. In my baking experience, I have found that apple pie is always better when the bottom is lined with applesauce: it keeps the crust from overcooking and keeps the apple slices moist for far longer, allowing you to cook the pie for the few minutes more that will turn crunchy apple bits into soft bites of caramelized goodness. The question now was, do I turn the nashi into purée and use that instead of applesauce, or should I use it as a fruit topping like an apple?

At first, I thought my supply of nashi pears would be very limited, so I would have to make them count. But once they showed up at my house, I realized my mistake: one pear weighs 800g (1.76 lb). These are heckin’ chonkers. Here they are, surrounding a normal-sized apple that wasn’t asking for any trouble:

They’re as big as a grapefruit and four times as heavy. And the taste? Oh sweet Lathander, the taste. This is one of the juiciest fruit I’ve ever eaten. It feels like you’re eating a pear, but it tastes like a very sweet apple, with none of the tartness. It’s like a fruit for kids.

So, given that I had so much more fruit than I expected, I could try some experiments; I turned one half of a nashi into purée, and I baked a tray of mini-pies to try a few different combinations of fruit and sauce.

And here’s what I discovered –the nashi loses its taste when it’s cooked. There is absolutely no point in making an apple pie with nashi as a main fruit, because it’s like biting into a bland pear, which is a shame, given how delicious it is in its raw form. However, its juiciness makes it a pretty great ingredient for the purée. As I said, it loses its taste, so it doesn’t overpower the apples, but the texture of the “nashisauce” is everything you want in that kind of pie: it’s smooth, it’s moist, it ties everything together very well. So, I’ll count that as a win!

Now for the lichen. Chris/Jarlaxle said it was to be used as a substitute to cinnamon, so I had a few options: mix it in with the nashisauce, lightly coat the apple slices in it before assembling the pie, or dust the pie just out of the oven with grated lichen. At that point, you’re probably wondering what Iceland moss tastes like, and so was I. So I ate a bit of it. And regretted it immediately.

It is extremely bitter, and tastes like cheap tea. How do you turn that into an ingredient worthy of the best pie in Waterdeep? The first thing I tried was to let it steep in hot water, as if I was actually making tea. I made two cups: one to use the resulting water as a binding agent for the crust (which would imply reducing the amount of egg yolk, but you never know, it could be for the best), and one to see if I could “wash away” some of the bitterness off the lichen.

Well, again, no to both of those, it was just too bitter. But I discovered in the process that if you let the lichen steep in hot water long enough, it falls to the bottom of the cup and you can mush it into a kind of lumpy paste. Working from this, and after many tries, I finally came up with what I think is a good solution: I boiled the lichen in a lot of water with a few spoons of honey until it turned into mush, pressed that into a mold, baked it for half an hour, rolled the resulting paste into a ball with powdered sugar to reduce its stickiness, let it air dry overnight and well into the next day (I sped up the process by leaving it on top of my oven, which is often on in our home), and baked it once more at a very low temperature for almost two hours. The result was a very hard ball of cooked-but-unburnt lichen, honey and sugar, which I could grind into a sand-like powder.

Its only use in that state is to be scattered on top of the pie just out of the oven, which melts the sugar and frees the aroma of the lichen. Now here’s where it gets interesting: it’s sweet and the bitterness is still there, but it’s a good bitterness, like adding dark chocolate to curry or a red wine sauce. It’s not overpowering, it doesn’t overwhelm the apple taste, you don’t get it on every bite so you don’t get bored of it, and overall, it just tastes great. And that’s exactly what we want.

All right, everything seems to be figured out ingredients-wise, time to bake the first test pie! I was wondering what exactly would be the look of a “fractal helix pie”, so I just went with a pie-ception kind of concept and used once again my trusty mini-pie tray to make smaller pies on the main pie.

Also, I used an apple peeler and corer and only cut one side of the resulting product to turn the fruits into apple rings rather than the usual apple slices. I was hoping that it’d look more helix-y if I covered the pie in intertwined rings. Pop that in the oven for 50 minutes, and here we go!

So here are the results; it’s a good pie, all in all. The nashisauce certainly makes a difference for the best, albeit a small one –if you know it’s there, you can barely taste it, but if you don’t know it just feels like “hey, the applesauce did its job remarkably well today”. The lichen is also a welcomed addition on the bites where it is present, but you have to tell your guests that it’s there, otherwise their “Oh yeah, that’s pretty good in a dark chocolate-y kind of way” will turned into a shocked “What in the Nine Hells is that black stuff that tastes like a cursed grapefruit”.

Regarding the looks of the pie, it didn’t quite turn out as I’d hoped. Sure, it’s different, and the mini-pies-on-a-pie where a hit with the guests, but the apple rings had shrunk and broke off each other in several places, making it just a weirdly laid-out apple pie.

All in all, the first full-scale test was a bit disappointing, but not discouraging –the basics were there, and it was better than my usual apple pie. It just needed a little something to push it over the edge.

At this point, I’m thinking that the ingredients are pretty much the best we can realistically get, and I can’t imagine any cooking technique within my abilities that would improve the overall taste. So let’s add more ingredients and see if it does the trick. What can we add that doesn’t betray the lore of DCA and the setting of the Forgotten Realms?

Let’s dive back into the process: Strix has to bake her pies in a traditional bread oven, given that she worked in a bakery when she was a child. Which means her pies cook realistically in less than an hour in a very hot oven that stays around 250°C-275°C (480°F-530°F) all day. We’ve also seen in some episodes that the pies can be made and cooked in 10 minutes to half an hour, so she probably has a bunch of pre-cooked pastry case and keeps her oven above 300°C (570°F) , which is possible although quite insane.

But Chris said that the pie was let to bake overnight. How does that happen? Probably by baking the crust blind in the hot oven, which you typically don’t do for an apple pie, then take it out, let the temperature drop and the fire turn to embers, and finally putting the now assembled pie inside and closing the door so that the fruit slowly cooks and caramelizes. And what happens when you leave something in a semi-closed wood-fired oven for an extended period of time? It gets smoked. Literally. This is something I hadn’t thought of before, but every pastry made by Strix should have a very light woody, smoky aftertaste.

I don’t have access to a traditional baker’s oven (I’ve been planning on building one myself for years but never made the jump because I seriously doubt I could pull it off), but nowadays it’s easy to come by something called liquid smoke, which is exactly what it sounds like. So let’s get back to the mini-pie tray and bake some with different amount of liquid smoke, mixed into the applesauce or baked into the pastry.

And survey says: ooh boy you really don’t need much. If we extrapolate from the taste of the small pies, only about 5 drops should be added to the applesauce, and nothing to the pastry. It should give the pie that subtle smoky taste that hints toward campfire food. Any more and it tastes like the pie has been baked on an unwashed stove where you previously charred pounds of cheap, expired bacon.

Okay, we’re almost there… and then, as I was scraping my brain to find a new ingredient that would stay true to the pie, it hit me. It was staring at me right in the face from the very beginning.

It’s a LUSKAN pie. It’s from basically a pirate city! It needs rum to be complete! Again, there’s two way to go about this: either mix a big tablespoon of rum with the nashisauce, or pour it on the pie at the last moment to flambé it. But let’s be honest, flambé is just for show, and it will be much more flavorful if it bakes with the pie, so, let’s do that.

Also, I went back to Chris’s tweet announcing what the episode would be about, and he used this gif: 

Soooo… Yeah, that’s probably why he called it a “fractal helix” pie. I don’t think I can replicate an ever-moving infinite pastry in real life, but I can certainly try.

Okay, let’s bake a new pie for real! This should be the one. I’m doing everything in one go, as close to DCA as I can:

1-      Preparing the crust and baking it blind, undercooking it a lot, just enough so that there is no risk of the crust losing its integrity under the humidity of the nashisauce, while the rest of the Coven goes on a hunt for lichen and pears. Total time: 1 hour.

2-      Beginning to cook the nashi into purée with half a vanilla pod (in a bit of last-minute inspiration) while peeling half of the apples; I am letting those oxidize for a bit, so that I’ll have two different colors of apple to work with. Time: 5min.

3-      Boiling the Iceland moss with honeyed water and pressing the resulting paste into a mold: 15min.

4-      Thoroughly blending the cooked nashi purée and setting it to cool down on the windowsill while the lichen bakes in the oven: 15 min.

5-      Taking the lichen out of the oven and rolling it into a ball with powdered sugar: 5 min.

6-      Mixing the nashisauce with liquid smoke and rum, peeling the rest of the apples, and finally assembling the pie in a pattern that suggests movement: 45 min. Yeah I went back and forth a lot with the placement and shapes of the apple slices. I’m thinking this is where the performance check comes into action, and I do not have proficiency in that skill.

7-      And now, it has to cook overnight, while the ball of sweet lichen dries out on top of the oven. So what I’m doing is actually baking it at low temperature (175°C/350°F) for over an hour, and then, without ever opening the oven door to keep as much humidity inside as I can, turning it down to the smallest setting for another hour (that would be 100°C/210°F on my oven). Once this is done, I’m still not opening the oven door, and I turn the oven off, letting it cool down with the pie still inside overnight. Also I started it at 7PM, and now it’s a bit before midnight because I took my sweet time, so I’m going to sleep.

The next morning, I’m checking the ball of lichen: it’s not as hard as the first time, mostly because I didn’t let it dry long enough, but I should be able to grate enough of its surface to lightly dust it on the pie. Speaking of the pie, I’m finally opening the oven door, and… it looks perfect.

Or at least, it looks how I wanted it to look: the patterns are there, although some slices have shifted a little, and the two colors of apple give it a style that I absolutely love. I’m definitely using this trick from now on for my normal apple pies. And it’s still a bit warm. I’m taking the pie out and putting the lichen in on a very low setting to dry it out a bit more.

Four hours later, I am serving the pie; I popped it in the hot oven for a brief moment to slightly warm it up, grated a bit of lichen on top of it, and dug in with everyone.

Is it the perfect pie? Probably not. Is it unusual? I mean, kinda, there’s a lot of subtle flavors in there that you don’t necessarily expect. Is it good? Yes, yes it is. The ingredients blend very well together. But more importantly, DID MY MOTHER SAY SHE LOVED IT AND ASK FOR THE RECIPE? DAMN RIGHT SHE DID. And that’s all I need to call it a success.

So here we are folks, this is the end of our Luskan fractal helix pie journey. I had a lot of fun coming up with that one, and I’m looking forward to the next culinary endeavors of the Chicken Foot Coven.

I guess that, as a conclusion, I need to address the biggest question we’re all asking ourselves: is this pie worth making?

If you just want to eat a good apple pie, no, not really. Just make your favourite apple pie, and maybe take some inspiration from this recipe to spice it up a bit. But if you want to try and bake it in the spirit of “let’s make a DCA-inspired pie”, please do. It’s tremendous fun. I loved tracking down and using those exotic ingredients, and the process of turning lichen into sweet sand makes you feel like an alchemist. Plus, it’s an easy recipe, there’s not much that can go wrong. It’s still just an apple pie.

All right, that’s it, we’re done. If you read everything, thank you so much for keeping up with my rambling. Don’t hesitate to ask if you have some questions related to all of that. Otherwise, I’ll see you all next time there is something to bake!

PS: “But what if I want to taste what the critic ACTUALLY ate, poison and all?”

So I did some research, and it seems that most poisons have a bitter taste, which is already present in our pie thanks to the lichen. So, potentially, the pie wouldn’t taste much different. I’d also wager that the Drow poison is tasteless. However, some “classical” poisons are known to have a distinct taste: cyanide supposedly tastes like bitter almonds, and poison hemlock allegedly tastes like mild parsnip. Yes, parsnip, you read that right. I don’t think parsnip will be a good addition to our pie’s flavor profile, but I’m positive that almonds will make it even better. If you’re not allergic.

how to care for your incompetent boyfriend

a comprehensive guide by iwaizumi hajime, boyfriend of oikawa tooru renowned vice-captain of japan's national men's volleyball team

also on AO3

Step 1: Find something to cook

Chances are that—despite being an athlete and annoyingly fit—your boyfriend is bad at taking care of himself.

This is true for Hajime. Today he turns on some Busker Busker and scrounges through the kitchen for two full songs, looking for something—anything! —to go in the two eggs he found—in separate parts of the kitchen, for some unholy reason. In the end he finds:

a)     two wrinkly tomatoes that will not be eaten otherwise, not because they’re bad but because they are ugly and Tooru is Picky,

b)     a sad-looking little onion,

c)      some ham slices, and

d)     a single, solitary green chili pepper from that one time Tooru made some—quite frankly—wonderful fish curry.

 Step 2: Prep your ingredients

This means you have to find your boyfriend’s probably nonexistent utensils. However, Hajime knows Tooru’s flat inside-out. He easily locates Tooru’s one and only knife, which is large and covered with cherry blossoms—a gag gift from Hanamaki—and the misshapen plastic cutting board—one side is slightly melted, thanks to Matsukawa.

Tooru somehow manages to chop as he cooks but Hajime likes a good process. Overlapping steps tend to stress him out. So, he starts with the onions, muttering curses as his eyes automatically water up. But he likes the rhythmic way the knife hit the board to the beat of the music and, soon, he’s done.

 Step 3: Heat your pan

This step has the bonus step of finding the fucking pan. Hajime isn’t even sure if this really is Tooru’s pan or a pan he borrowed from the neighbors and just forgot to return.

As this happens, Hajime looks for the coach-approved oil that Tooru hates. He pours a spoonful into the pan and swirls it around.

 Step 4: Cook the extras

Hajime is making scrambled eggs. He could tell himself it’s going to be an omelet but he knows that he’s going to mess up the flip, so he might as well say they’ll be scrambled from the beginning.

First the onions. For a while, Hajime wonders when to add the ham but by the time he’s come to a conclusion, the onions have already browned. Whatever. They taste nice. Tooru can deal. In goes the ham.

Hajime adds the green chili later and waits until they turn bright green, which only really takes a few seconds. Then he adds the tomatoes. Steam rises from the pan and Hajime fans it away, coughing.

 Step 5: Add the eggs.

Hajime cracks three eggs into the pan and breaks up the yolk. He tilts the pan, allowing the egg to spread.

Hajime’s stomach lets out a rumble. Goddamn, cooking takes so damn long.

 Step 6: Flip the egg.

Here is where, if Hajime was a more ambitious man, he would try to flip the entire thing. Hajime is moderately ambitious, but not stupid. Instead, he cuts it up and turns over the individual pieces. Then he cuts it up some more and hums along to Busker Busker’s cheery spring tunes.

 Step 7: Realize you forgot salt and pepper.

Of course, this can only happen after your eggs are completely cooked. Hajime slaps himself on the forehead. “Fuck.” he groans.

 Step 8: Heavily butter some toast.

This should, hopefully, cover up the lack of salt in the eggs. Hajime knows Tooru’s coach would throw a hissy fit if he knew but, honestly, a little too much butter once in a while never destroyed anyone’s career. He’s kept everything else healthy and low in oil; this just balances it out. Besides, Hajime knows Kageyama has at least three pork buns a day and Hinata too. Tooru’s only the one that follows the diet plan strictly.

 Step 9: Make some coffee.

Hajime hates coffee. He hasn’t drank the stuff since college and the monstrosity that he and Hanamaki invented to get though all-nighters: a shot of alcohol—usually vodka—in pure black coffee mixed with so much sugar his pancreas is still recovering. For some unholy reason, Tooru still manages to enjoy coffee—the pure stuff that too. Tooru drinks his coffee black, usually with only a spoon of sugar.

 Step 10: Wake up your boyfriend.

Good fucking luck.

Tooru is not a morning person, surprising absolutely no one. Hajime has learnt a few tricks over the years though.

Hajime sits down near Tooru’s torso and kisses his forehead. Tooru stirs slowly and a slightly goofy grin spreads across his face. Hajime brushes a thumb across his cheekbone, gentle in a way they rarely are in public. Tooru presses up against Hajime’s hand, like a cat, and lets out a humming noise.

“Good morning.” Hajime says softly, moving his hand to brush through Tooru’s hair. Tooru blinks slowly up at Hajime, expression soft and fond.

“Good mornin’,” he replies, voice deep and sleepy. He links a hand around Hajime’s neck and pulls him in for a long, slightly awkward kiss.

When they pull away, Hajime takes a moment to appreciate Oikawa’s expression: a little spaced out, very happy, and attractive as always. “I made you breakfast.” Hajime says quietly.

“Mmm,” Tooru hums appreciatively. He squirms a little, arms still around Hajime’s neck. “What did I do to deserve you?” He asks, tone a little awed and a little self-deprecating at the same time.

“So much.” Hajime mumbles and then kisses him again. As he pulls away Tooru follows him, trying to get another kiss. “Go brush your teeth.” he orders. Tooru sticks out his tongue.

 Step 11: Set the table.

Hajime needs to find plates and forks and hopefully cups or something. He manages and splits the eggs and toast as Tooru brushes his teeth. He sticks a cup of water into the microwave to boil and then drops in a tea bag.

Tooru skips into the kitchen, properly awake, and kisses Hajime again, breath minty fresh. They end up making out slowly, Hajime with the counter pressing uncomfortably into his back and Tooru clutching his face like it might disappear. Hajime pulls away as his stomach rumbles. “Let’s eat.”

Tooru sighs, sounding put-out, but pulls away after one last slow kiss.

 Step 12: Enjoy.

Tooru smiles at Hajime from across the table and Hajime feels himself blush a little, like they’re in high school again.

“Thank you!” Tooru sings, rubbing a foot up Hajime’s ankle.

“Anytime.” Hajime responds. He lets Tooru’s foot stay there, feeling warm and happy.

“I love you.” Tooru whispers, like it’s a precious secret.

Hajime smiles and ducks his head and blushes again. He whispers back, “I love you too.”

Dark Souls Cooking: Estus Flask Recipe

For the next video game recipe, we’re going to replicate the Estus draught from the Dark Souls franchise. I’ve already done Estus soup, but this time we’re delving deeper.

The player’s main source of healing is from these draughts of Estus, and they’re refilled when you rest at a bonfire. The player, as many of you know, is something called an ‘Undead’, because you’re cursed with the ‘Darksign’; you can’t stay dead, you eventually come back to life as spry as ever. But the more you die, the more ‘hollow’ you become until you’re one of the countless mindless zombies roaming the Dark Souls world.

And when the play dies, you respawn at the last bonfire you rested at. AKA, the player is ‘transported’ to the bonfire with their filled Estus flasks, looking a bit more wrinkly and zombie-like. Thing is, the story of Dark Souls places a huge emphasis on the twisting of time and space. So it’s not necessarily that the player’s body is warped back to the bonfire and re-animated, but more like you’re entering a different timeline where weren’t actually defeated. Possibly. It’s ambiguous like that.

So Estus is not the same magic that can actually revive felled Undead like the Darksign does. It’s not the force that’s converging entire countries closer together and putting lands into states of stasis. It’s not something that can reverse your hollowing progression. It’s something that, I guess, heals immediate stab wounds as they happen, and the like.

Also, not every character in-game is Undead. And the few confirmed non-undead NPCs are never shown drinking Estus. And the god Lloyd, a hunter of the Undead, uses a talisman that blocks Estus usage within a certain proximity. Perhaps Estus is indeed intricate to the Undead experience, as suggested by the item description, “The Undead treasure these dull green flasks.” 

Basically, Estus itself is an energy that heals Undead, and Undead only. It’s refilled at bonfires, and there’s that whole Gwyn the God and First Flame thing that’s the main plot of the Souls series. 

(“… Oh, one more thing … here, take this … an Estus Flask, an Undead favourite.”)

But Estus isn’t some holy magic. Humans exist almost in opposition to the divine of Dark Souls. We hold ‘humanity’ within ourselves, which is more closely related to the feared Abyss than the power of fire. Gwyn feared humanity. Humans are considered to be the catalyst of the age of Dark. We, as human Undead, are not reliant on fire the same way one might think when first introduced to the concept of Estus.

It’s the bonfires that heal the Undead when you sit at them. So since you refill your flasks at these bonfires, many people assume that Estus is just that. Bottled bonfire flame. After all, ‘aestus’ is latin for heat.

But there’s another interpretation - the Undead curse came into existence the same time Gwyn refused to let the Age of Fire pass, and tried to prolong the First Flame by throwing himself into it. The fact that Undead humans are revived at bonfires might be something of a side-effect of Gwyn’s pig-headedness. Humans are cursed to follow Gwyn’s footsteps in some roundabout, incoicidencial way. So long as this current Age of Fire is prolonged, we can’t die. We can’t move on. We’re all bound to fires and bonfires and the First Flame as prisoners.

Therefore, these bonfires exist throughout the world because they’re little branches of the First Flame, and your Undead curse is what reacts to the bonfires - not you specifically. So, we can say that drinking Estus is merely ‘prolonging’ your Undead curse, the same way that your Darksign is a product of Gwyn’s forced prolonging of this current Age.

So Estus isn’t the holy healing potion that people might think. It’s just bottled First Flame essence that increases your Undead life. Your Undead curse. Sure, fire can be warm and life-giving and all that, but not being able to ‘move on’ from this Age of Fire? Not being able to continue time, and stay forever bound to fire? Now that’s a curse.

(The Dark Souls series has a lot of Eldritch writing, thanks to its use of manipulating time and space. Makes sense that FromSoftware’s next game (Bloodborne) was all about that Lovecraftian genre.)

Why is all this conjecture important? Well, I was wondering what my Estus recipe should taste like. If Estus was this holy healing magic, then that’s one direction. But I don’t think Estus is the nectar of the gods. It’s literally just fire, and the Undead covet them as healing sources even though its just reacting to their Darksign.

This realization almost makes this recipe harder to make. It’d be one thing if I was trying to replicate an angelic potion of heavenly sweetness and vanilla. I’ve no idea what fire is supposed to taste like.

In my Dark Souls Estus Soup recipe, I went towards the spicy direction, in order to emulate a burning sensation. This time around, the dedication towards canon is a more serious endeavor. After all, the idea of ‘Estus soup’ was kinda silly to begin with. Estus flasks, on the other hand, is the real deal.

Who of Dark Souls history invented Etsus? It’s never said. Dark Souls is split between two extremes - either there’s some deep, artsy lore behind why something is what it is, or we just kinda have to accept it because video game logic. There’s a reason why Filianore is cradling a cracked egg when you find her sleeping corpse, but there’s probably no lore reason why items in-game glow a shiny white sprite.

As far as the creation of Estus goes, our two clues are; the whole bonfire connection, and the description of the flask that holds it - “An emerald flask, from the Keeper's soul. She lives to protect the flame, and dies to protect it further.” Fire Keepers are people who dedicate their lives to tending and protecting a single bonfire throughout their lives. And in the last two Dark Souls games, they’re the only way you can level up.

(There is a theory that Estus soup is, in fact, boiled-down monsters or Undead. On rare occasions, you can get a free refill of Estus upon killing an enemy, kinda like how in Bloodborne, you get blood vials from killing enemies. So the Hunter harvest blood from their slain foes, and the Undead of Dark Souls can somehow absorb Estus energy on occasion. Hence, a theory on how Estus soup came to be.)

Fire Keepers are allies to the Undead. They protect the Bonfires, and therefore protect your sake. Protect from what, I don’t know. But they stand there all day, regardless. After all, the death of a Fire Keeper resulted in the snuffing of a Bonfire.

Although Estus isn’t divine ambrosia of the heavens, it’s still a concoction meant to serve you. To heal you. Not healing you of all curses and afflictions completely, but good enough. The reach of a Fire Keepers persists whenever you take a draught of Estus.

So you’re carrying around this flask of glowing liquid to swig whenever you get a Dragonslayer Arrow through your noggin. Therefore, to recreate Estus, I began thinking of protein shakes. Other people tend to go in the alcoholic direction, possibly as a homage to the whole ‘fire’ sensation. But I think of real-life Estus as a medicine rather than a drought of liquid courage.

If curing the Darksign was antibiotics, Estus would be Muscle Milk’s Non-Dairy Everyday Protein formula. Protein shakes aren’t as hokey as some might believe; while there’s no real evidence that building muscle requires a higher protein intake, using bodybuilding supplements can intake the protein (amino acids used to repair muscle tearing) while omitting the carbs, sugars, and salts irrelevant to maintaining muscle mass. 

Basically, a protein shake contains the stuff you need to repair muscle micro-injury. You can imagine a magical version of a protein shake to instantly heal your sore muscles after a workout, complete with a firey kindling animation. 

The most popular source of protein in theses shakes is whey protein. It contains all the amino acids humans cannot synthesize, and therefore must ingest throughout our diets. Soy, egg, and rice are also popular too. ‘Whey’, for those of you who don’t know, is part of the cheesemaking process - after the fat of milk has been curdled and removed to become cheese, the liquid that remains is called whey. Basically, it contains a lot of milk nutrients, without the fat.

(Boss ahead. Therefore, try Praise The Sun.)

Now, I’ve tasted a few protein shakes myself. During the beginning of my hormone replacement therapy, my legs were getting so sore from simply walking down the street. I don’t eat a lot of meat, so I decided to get protein powder and add it to my coffee. There’s a sort of ... powdered milk aftertaste, but most overbearingly it’s the artificial flavoring of the powder itself. 

And like Rocky has shown us, you don’t need branded protein powder to make a ‘protein shake’. Most popular protein-shake-from-scratch is with egg whites. However, using just eggs doesn’t result in a lot of protein, so people usually add more sources of protein such as peanut butter. 

I do like the idea of using eggs. It’s poetic, since this is a ‘healing potion’, with that imagery of breaking an egg’s shell and consuming its fluid and yolk. However, consuming raw eggs in select countries (such as the USA) runs the risk of salmonella poisoning. Therefore, we’re going to use powdered egg yolk - its a popular ingredient for bakers. And only the yolk, because that’s a) where the protein is, and b) where we’ll get a nice source of yellow.

The entire ingredient list is;

3 tablespoons powdered egg yolk

2 scoops unflavored protein powder

A cup of almond milk

2-4 tablespoons raw honey 

Pinch of turmeric, chipotle powder

As with all my video-game-cooking recipes, I choose all the ingredients to emulate the time and setting. Except this time Etsus is likely not supposed to be deconstructed into groceries a peasant could harvest. However, the rule still stands - almond milk was a popular drink during the plate armor days. Raw honey instead of purified white sugar. 

The turmeric gives a deeper yellow color to the mix, and the chipotle provides the slightest smokey burn to the aftertaste. A pinch of either won’t be tasted when you take a swig, it’s only after you swallow do you feel the slight peppery bitterness of the turmeric, and the smokiness of the chipotle, along with a soft burn on your lips. Very true to Estus’ bonfire origins.

Making this protein shake is easy. Combine, stir/blend, and serve! It’s low calorie, great for energy, and it tastes perfectly decent.

Time to hit the road and reach that next bonfire, before finally tackling the boss.

How A Lot Does It Cost To Cater Food For 50 People?

This restaurant focuses on obanzai, a type of Kyoto cooking centered round the usage of high-quality, seasonal vegetables. For rice delicacies, strive the hand-made sushi or the dashi-chazuke (rice topped with a tea-based broth), both made with Koshihikari rice. Much of the most effective eating in Taiwan occurs on the road — at an informal sidewalk restaurant, a morning moist market , or considered one of Taipei’s famed night markets like Raohe, Ningxia, or Tonghua. Now that you've got got the nourishment you need, studying will come naturally and gracefully” . Not as soon as did the chef say the words ‘I love you’ aloud, rather, he displayed his care and affection for the boy via his noodles and the nourishment, power, and success that they introduced the boy. In addition to this, noodles characterize well being for the Chinese. Health can often be intertwined with love as oftentimes those that love us are those that take care of us. 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While it’s not best to get them this late, better now than on the table. Discuss dietary requirements and the process for attendees to access their special meal with the catering staff before confirming the ultimate menus. Recap the day before or on the morning of the occasion. This is the time of “food porn.” Presentation is every thing. What better way to do this than with a menu that speaks to the season? If you’re planning an autumnal marriage ceremony, a fall menu can help create the sort of heat, cozy feeling you’re probably aiming for. But the place do you start in choosing the perfect fall menu? And how do you make sure it also caters to dietary restrictions and COVID-19 guidelines? Here are crucial issues you need to consider when planning the proper fall menu with Caviar & Banana Catering and Events. The check shall be returned to the consumer when the gadgets have been picked up and inspected. I love operating, cooking, and curling up with a great book! Here you’ll discover easy and scrumptious recipes that you could make in 30 minutes or less. You simply warmth all the components together in a pot and growth, you’re carried out. Selling Like Hotcakes Hearst Newspapers participates in various online marketing packages, which suggests we could receives a commission commissions on editorially chosen products bought through our links to retailer sites. When autocomplete outcomes can be found use up and down arrows to evaluate and enter to select. Touch system users, discover by touch or with swipe gestures. From large gentle pretzels to pretzel bites, gentle pretzels are cheap to provide and return a substantial revenue. Use these funnel cake ideas to create desserts customers will set their diets aside for. Brownies are a beloved baked good you'll be able to simply make forward in massive batches and sell for a excessive revenue at your concession stand. Here are some ideas for the best forms of brownies to promote. The astronomically excessive quantity of food lovers means there are a lot of potential customers. And a extensive variety of product choices means that irrespective of what quantity of food retailers enter the market, there’s at all times room for yet one more. These are just a variety of the nice concepts you probably can consider when thinking outside of the box. Keep in thoughts that these completely different ideas might require different types of gear, and also you will not be ready to completely change your whole menu. However, if you have already got a stand, it may be clever to think about including one or two distinctive items at a time to see how well they sell. Bars or brownies are a great concession stand merchandise because they’re simply sold individually. Granola can be made at home and offered in concessions or pre-bought and divided up. Many health sections have granola cereal and a number of parts could be bought from one box. 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Death dreams dark dreams dead dreams

This morning it was cold again. It just happened. From summer to winter. Heater on in the bathroom, shower temperature approaching reasonable at its lowest setting. I felt tired, even though I had a good night’s sleep. I woke at 6am too excited about having eggs on toast for breakfast to go back to sleep. I just had to get up and make it. Fried eggs, soft yolk, brown bread. Lots of butter, a little bit of hot sauce. I sat at the kitchen table eating them with a cup of hot back instant coffee. Only then could I think about going back to sleep again.

#

There are sharp thoughts in my mind that I can’t look at.

I can brush against them, turn them, but I can’t see them. Not really.

The doors to them have no handles, but would swing open with one wet touch.

Opened, I’d find them not sharp but tubelike, and forever-falling.

#

I feel sort of guilty but with distance I just don’t care about any of these people any more. The things they talk about, their successes, they used to be mine too. I feel like the part of me that would be energised by all this is just gone. Was it false?

#

One step away

It drags and draws

Orange and hot

A silent heart attack

A locked bag

Breathing burnt plastic

Before a deep fall

At the edge of your fingertips and the corners of your mind

No struggle no suspects no victim

Feel it pounding in your ears

#

I can’t see Canary Wharf. I can’t even see it’s airplane shipwreck light. It’s decided not to get light today and I don’t feel light either. It’ll have to come from within me if I’m to get through to the solstice. Hang on to the rails. Avoid the rocks.

#

At night you are run against the sluice, sucked between its violent teeth and shattered,

dragged down in swollen spirals until

one day you break the gasping surface and it seems you can escape its pull

but then, wrapped in the memory of weeds

you are flushed back into the flow

#

I’ve been frozen all winter. Waking up, brushing my teeth, staring at a laptop or staring out of the window, brushing my teeth, sleeping. When brushing your teeth is one of the more memorable moments of the day things are getting really dire. I’m so sick of it. Brush, brush, brush.

#

I swallowed my teeth carefully, one at a time; kept them safe in my gut.

I am blunted now, and heavy with the weight of them.

Everything is new; my day gums, my world liquid. At night when I roll they rattle, and I wake in freezing sweats. 

But, at last, when I see you I can smile, sure that I keep my secrets to myself.

#

I got shipwrecked again, like I said I wouldn’t. Floundering about in the rocks, rolling about in my room. And I got through it, just.

Point is now I’m not sure what’s on the other side. A change needs to be made somewhere. Without any distractions everything just feels pointless. This is not wallowing in it. I have accepted this and am choosing to investigate it. The sky today is white. It’s 4 degrees in April.

So the change. Find meaning or accept there is none. Perhaps if there is none then the pressure is off.

The path is shaded. The branches of winter firs reach across it. The air is thick with pine. Stay here. Rest. Or take a few steps forwards. Just follow the path.

#

In the slaughter markets it

Feels like you’re walking through treacle ‪the

Air is sickly sweet and heavy and

slow.

Shoppers and supplicants pour over themselves in throngs and

The floor is so sodden that you find your kneecaps are stuck solid while

Pig faces stare down at what you’ve bought.

#

Is four eggs too many to eat in one day? It feels excessive. The sun’s out today and the high street has thrown open it’s doors to the maniacs and forced shut ins of the Forest. A sad old man in the barbers made me revaluate my life. His daughter’s boyfriend has moved in with him. He hates him. “Throw him out”, says Mozart the barber. He can’t throw him out, he’s a boxer man. The old guy is close to tears. “Don’t put him in the will”, says Mozart. “Don’t let him make you put him in your will.” The haircut was twenty pounds which is more than usual.  

#

Sometimes they sing to me in colour, of exotic places I will never go.

I listen to them whisper, singled shelled, of the sea and of the shore.

Through glass they sit and watch me; snails and clams, chiton and tusk. If I could touch them I would see your future in their whorls.

I search the barren sands and dredge the stinking pools, but still, after all these years, I cannot find my own.

#

You can strip away everything and get comfortable with the core of what’s left. The challenge is putting and the pieces back together again. They feel like baggage. I felt more myself than I ever have been last year, and now I have to add all these weights back on. Why is that? I can’t tell if I was sleepwalking through 2020 or just totally at peace. It feels like my life doesn’t fit anymore. It’s not the right size. It feels second hand. Musty.

My friend asked his class at school for me; what should you do if you feel that life is meaningless? My favourite answer was; it is. The second best was go back to the fork in the road and choose another path. Where was my fork in the road?

#

There is language that we have not invented yet.

We don’t have the words and we don’t have the vowel sounds.

There is

eye contact, when to look away and

how long to hold

a touch.

Catch your breath and see what noises our tongues can form.