#they just. dont have a reason to anymore. if they even did at all. “its just like that sometimes.”
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#red vs blue#rvb#locus#felix#sam ortez#isaac gates#felix mcscouty#lolix#mine#*24#art#rvb19 spoilers#just to be safe ig?#i love how even no one in the mercs discord rly knows what the hell was up with the random felix 'cameo' in restoration lol. we're all just#'idk man. maybe it's charon maybe sigma just used him as a base. who knows.'#its kinda hard to even make it into a merc plot point bc the reason WHY he's even there is non-existent. if epsilon didn't namedrop him#i wouldn't even have noticed tbh. like yeah his armor has felix's colors but that also could've just been sigma/omega mix too y'know#ofc tucker's relationship w/ felix can't be discounted reg. meta and epsilon and betrayal of trust etc. idk maybe i'll expand on this later#like maybe felix is in there bc tucker felt very betrayed by epsilon and felix to tucker is the embodiment of betrayal so meta = felix?#BUT i do like ghost felix haunting shit. even if it's not actually him but like a narrative/traumatic thing#he said you'll never get rid of me what i did to you will always linger <3#i do have some thoughts abt... Everything and the concept of haunting. wash's 'ghosts' and the guilt. meta wanting to destroy epsilon/the#past to be free. resentment of the past. nostalgia for it. the guilt of survival. moving on as a complete severing vs carrying it w/ you.#ok i'll stop rambling now lol#this didnt turn out exactly how i envisioned but i dont wanna work on it anymore and its not bad or anything so
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life went forward and the world moved on but I never got over among us (2018)
#but no one:(( will play it:(( with me:((#i miss amogus with my ex best friend and all her friends#she was just like me fr she loved introducing all her friends to each other its another reason i loved her so much#and why i struggled so much when my high school best friend started making friends outside of me who didnt like me#one of them even gave me this long ass lecture on KAVYA YOU DONT NEED TO BE FRIENDS WITH ALL YOUR FRIENDS' FRIENDS YOU KNOW#oh and you cAnt jUst Ask pEoPle tO bE yOuR fRiEnd (jokes on her we're friends now. kind of ive been ghosting her for a while but not the po#Int 💀)#and look i learned that. sort of. but i still struggle with it sometimes#like at least with my best friends i always wanted to know about and be involved with everyone in their lives you know#which ive realized now is not practical#but im still this hopeless romantic who wants to be friends with all my friends friends and all my friends to be friends#even if i barely have the energy for it anymore. i guess losing her drilled that in#also another thing i realized is. its good to keep your friends separate sometimes because if the chain breaks you dont lose a whole system#which wasnt even a point of consideration for me back then because like i said. hopeless romantic. why would we ever fall out#but yeah it was hard having to accept that sometimes the whole world doesnt want to be friends. and people are allowed to dislike each othe#shocking i know#anyway what am i even talking about how did i get here#girlblogging.pdf
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as badly as i want to avoid my mom she is making it extremely difficult
#i feel really bad that im so angry at her and she doesnt even know it#but my entire living situation is making me miserable right now and its her fault#she charges me $50 in rent every week and shes increasing it to $125 a week at the end of the month#the only reason this is happening is because she FORCED ME to drop out and the only other alternative was that i had to work full time + pa#rent.............. but like at my job even if im working 40 hrs a week ill only be making abt $900 a month#so i will barely have anything leftover for myself after rent#and i cannot get a second job bc i frankly can not handle it at all + what hours would i even work#and my mom refuses to understand that the reason i had to drop out is bc i am so depressed and so suicidal and i just dont want to live#she doesnt acknowledge that im disabled and severely mentally ill#every time i try to talk about my mental health she treats me like im such a burden to her even though i literally never tell her anything#personal anymore bc she just doesnt listen or care#ALSO she FORCED ME to move across the country and transfer schools when i really did not want (hence why i flunked all of my classes bc i d#not care) but like. everything thats wrong in my life rn is bc i do not want ot live where im living and theres no way for me to go back to#texas and also i dont rly wanna live w my dad either#but anyways. this whole situation would be better if my mom was using me paying rent as an actual lesson in adult respinsibility#but it's really just a punishment because i cant function the way she wants me to#and im over it#so fucking over it why am i such a pussy why cant i just die
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Dresses that are nice but they're only made to fit you if you're 5'5 T____T
#tried on THE CUTEST dress in a medium but the waist was too high up and the skirt wasnt long enough#tried a large then and the waist was too big and the skirt STILL wasnt long enough!!#its the kind of style of dress that's supposed to cover like half your knees. and it didnt. blah#always the cutest dresses that are like long flowy and psychedelic that i like are like that#i did get a nice little green velvet victorian/swingin sixties jacket oh it was SUCH a success tho#i always have good luck with tops but dresses. ugh#i can only wear MINI dresses. bc a mini skirt is supposed to be short on you no matter what#medium-length dresses i have the worst luck with. im not even that tall im 5'7.#tales from diana#there's something weird about the black jeans from old navy#i bought two pairs of jeans at old navy in march of last year. the flare jeans are a size 4 and fit amazing#theyre like stretchy but not cheap and extremely comfy. theyre a typical denim blue#then i also got a straight-leg pair of black jeans. the black jean material is just not right anymore. it's extremely stiff#i know old navy mustve changed their sizes bc i have pants from them that are 5-10 years old (since i stopped growing)#and theyre all different sizes. like. i have old navy pants that are a snug 12 or a loose 4. but it was at least consistent at the time#i was trying on black flare jeans and i had to get an 8. i went in wearing THE SAME jeans i bought back in march#same CUT and everything. and even tho im tall the pants are still longer than what im used to#(im also used to my jeans being somewhat short on me) (so i dont mind it) (its more like they just cover the top of my foot)#the waist. bc i got two sizes up (old navy doesnt do odd number sizes for some reason). it like goes WAY up my waist#tho i dont mind that. im glad we're living in a high-waisted bootcut era. GRATEFUL#but still yeah.#the black jean fabric is just so stiff it's harder to squeeze yourself into even if it fits in the other color denim. u needa size up.#i went shopping w my friend (and kaily) (and our mom) (and then we went out to lunch after) bc i wanted to get her some pants#she's like 5'2 and all the pants were too long on her i felt bad. i bought her some sweaters and shoes#the sweaters were clearance only $6 i was like oh i have no problem getting those for u#still i felt bad bc they didnt have petite sizes in that store. like when she asked they were like 'no only if someone returns'#some other time we'll go to marshall's or tjmaxx >:F
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like there is a lot to say abt fandom that is negative (crowd mentality, lack of nuance, bullying, stark belief in societal norms so it becomes a very traditional space etc) but i think the main reson its not for me is bc a lot of ppl just use "canon" as something to be disregarded. which is like (morally) completely fine i just do not get it bc like... the story whats its in like... the actual written text the things happening is surely the thing to like abt any actual... uh... story? right? so to disregard it all to just idk play around in it to me is just not appealing at all. like at that point i would just move on and write my own original story heavily inspired by the original thing...
#quenthel special#like fandom spaces sometimes feel like they are not even abt liking the stories anymore but idk... making your own cookie cutter retelling#and im super not interested in that... like even w games where you make your own oc and give history to them#i love how people work those ideas INTO the existing thing... like working on a tapestry together w the writers of the game#like its easy to read ppl saying they dont like fandom as saying they are above it#and while i did get bullied online a bit for a stupid reason bc fandoms to me its just the... idk... disengagement w the source material#that i just dont get at all... extremely unappealing#i like when stories are well written and i can engane w them and thing abt them#and esp i like when games work with you to create your character esp in rpgs where you make your guy#like give you some meat and ingredients to work with...#as opposed to the complete freeform your character is all for you to write thing#like i love LOVE when rpg protagonists have a past... and you get to uncover it or have an existing rapport w somebody and you build upon i#been playing tyranny so im thinking abt tunon and the fatebinder LOL#but also durge is like this... the exile from kotor 2 is like this#fnv does this too w lonesome road but its been a while i played thatr lol
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clip studio ex charges so much extra money for really specific quality of life features and you just never think you'd need those for years until one day you kind of do. and it's really annoying somehow.
#i dont want to commit that monetarily to something i just want to try making pages of something for maybe like a month to see if it works.#but all of the things that are supposed to make making pages of things more convenient are more expensive.#i don't think you can even get the 1.0 ex upgrade anymore? i think you have to do the 2.0 ex upgrade.#Which is like 200 dollars for some reason What did 2.0 even have.#i dont want to spend 30 dollars a year on a subscription. Even if all things considered thats not terrible as subscriptions go.#Its just the principle of it. I dont want to give in to subscriptions now.#mypost
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Feeling a debilitating sense of dread and despair 🤨 Which probably means nothing😍👍
#girl help i cant get out of bed i feel so so awful for no reason at all#literally my soul is gone or something#i have no desires and no joys and no sense of being blessed#which is crazy bc i love life and im so blessed ! usually.#ig i should do something abt it tomorrow if it doesn't get better#alternatively get back into therapy bc tbh... after that horrible sex thing ive felt kinda off#like even after i was able to eat and sleep and function normally without the tremors and head jerks and whatnot#like its not dramatic anymore but i kinda feel drained of life and joy#moments of genuine happiness and fulfillment are ... ? idk. i did feel happy once this week and that was nice but it didnt last obviously#but like ! im not depressed in a depressed way. i take good care of myself and i read my books and eat food and hang out with friends#i just kinda dont recognise myself ig. i mean i know ill get my spark back but maybe i need some professional help#idk !! it kinda feels very silly tho#like ive been in and out of therapy for more than half of my life. and being one year therapy free was a big step for me !#so going back for this little ridiculous freakout feels like a setback#kinda like im making up things to be wrong with me just so that ill have someone to talk to ? or to have attention idk#it doesn't make sense bc i really was proud for getting bettter and i rly dont want to be in therapy anymore#but who knows 🤷♀️#there is also this slight risk. just clinically speaking by purely looking at symptoms of certain things. with no stake in the matter! lol#that there might be something bad and [lets not think too hard about it] that lies as a root cause of my little mental breakdown#like according to my sex having friends losing your virginity is awful but not THAT awful and not in THAT way#and my friend kinda said i scared her with how i was acting when i talked to her abt it. like my demeanour and body language and whatever#and i do trust her to know whats normal versus concerning when i dont have my own stable grip of reality#plus. if i was an outside party and applied my psych education on myself. i would say its not looking super good#but i cant really do that bc im not some random patient. im me myself and I 😩✋️ thank you#but whatever. itll be fine. tomorrow will be a better day ! yay !
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#sorry ranting again but#tw weight#i shouldn't eveb have checked my weight yesterday#i feel so disgusting doing anything today#like everything that i generally donr associate w weight is now reminding me like oh youre doing your daily walking but ur still overweigt#i cannot do anything normally without thinking about it#and its been so long since i hated myself this much this is so annoying#im scared whike filling uni forms because i think oh they will reject you cuz youre fat#even though it has nothing to do w my appearance at all#i didn't feel like cleaning my room today but then i was like oh youre ugly and disgusting at the same time ??? atleast clean your room#im trying to reason w myself but it's just not working#i skipped class today but i have to go tomorrow and im so scared cuz i dont really have friends there#but theres some nice girls i talk to once in a while and they have told me things like 'youre so pretty' 'i love your hair' etc#and i know because i usually do well in mock tests and dont annoy anyone... nobody really hates me#theyre pretty chill#but im still like oh these guys are gonna laugh at me or talk like did you see her today she couldn't have gotten worse#thankfully our break time bw classes is shorter now so i wont be eating during break because i always refuse when someone else offers me#i think the one girl i do share food w and talk to quite often is skipping tomorrow so im extra scared#i dont eveb know anymore#og
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guys what if i want to make my own apollo justice game.
#i need to write a prequel to aa4 pls pls pls pls pls#okay get this: so phoenix isnt disbarred yet and he doesnt have trucy. hes still taking and winning cases#one day he gets a call from edgeworth and hes all like ''wright i need your assistance'' and hes like what for and edgeworth goes#''ive been given the most ridiculous case and i think youre the only man in law who can take care of it''#so phoenix bikes his ass to the detention center and boom. child behind bars#and phoenix is like ??? hey kid what are doing here. and this kid is the most surly mfer on the planet like you couldnt get-#-a word out of him if you tried. hes kinda giving phoenix the stink eye too but hes just the littlest guy on earth#and phoenix feels bad for him so he tries to get a rundown of the case (maybe edgeworth gave him an autopsy report or smth beforehand)#but get this. the kid still wont speak. he hasnt even moved a muscle. and after some prodding you find out this little dude-#-doesnt speak english (i dont love aa6 but i think apollos tragic backstory can be interesting so we're going w that but taking it seriousl#anyways so maya is like omg this kid is speaking khurainese but hers is kinda broken bc shes not from the mainland and only knows it-#-from like prayers#so you only get bits and pieces of the kids testimony. plus he still doesnt wanna talk bc ''dhurk told me not to talk to you''#so you start following the new lead but you ask too many questions and apollos like oh shit i said too much and wont talk to you anymore#but now you have two leads: khur'ain and a man named ''dhurk'' plus the fact that this is kid might be new to america since-#-he cant speak english but is smack dab in the middle of california. its all v curious and phoenix wants to get to the bottom of it#for the rest of the case i feel like it would go in the direction of ''we dont know exactly whats up w this dhurk guy or where this kid-#-came from but we do get him acquitted and phoenix is able to save him from the dark path he was heading towards'' thus steering apollo-#-in the direction of law and giving him a wayyyy better reason than aa6 gave him <3#i kind of like the interlinked nature of ace attorney's storytelling. like everything leads into smth else and everyone is impacted-#-by another person before they even become properly entangled w each other's lives#like how mia faced dahlia years before she met phoenix but dahlia was the one to connect them#or how trucy gave phoenix the diary paper but she's also the one who ropes apollo into the waa. even before they know they're siblings#or how lamoire left apollo and trucy as children and when they reunite as adults they cant recognise each other but they all find each-#-other anyways#i could go on but i think this could be cool yknow esp bc i think the most interesting thing about apollo's aa6 backstory is his life-#-post dhurk. like where did he stay? was he a foster kid? was he put into the system? how did that affect him? what kind of ppl took him in#i just wanna know how that whole thing would have effected him bc like when yiu think about it how did he even get to america?? his dad's#-considered a terrorist. idk man i think its interesting and apollo and dhurks interactions are one of the only good parts of aa6
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based on the dms i just got i am starting to believe the vote blue no matter who thing this time around is actually a psyop
#alexis.exe#i just got called a zionist sympathizer for saying i think genocide is bad.......#so like thats either an extremely stupid person#or theyre doing this on purpose#also for legal purposes im not accusing like any actual people of anything#i love (read: hate) how people are trying to drag everyone with even an ounce of morals#kicking and screaming into the far right#dont kill people isnt even radical or controversial statement its literally just basic morals#also @ dems yall NEED a better argument than 'but trump will be worse'#youre literally proving right now that dems literally dont even need to do anything even remotely reasonable ever#dems can literally do the exact same things that reps will do but less and yall will come screaming and crying#into unrelated random peoples dms#begging people to vote for them anyway bc they're not as bad as they could be#do you remember 4 years ago when the promise was#guys vote biden for damage control and then we'll make the democrats more progressive over time#genuinely astounding that someone decided to come into my dms and yell at me for saying its not insane to not want to vote for genocide joe#instead of like. trying to bully genocide joe into not funding genocide anymore#if all of you put your heads together and bullied him maybe he would have fucking stopped sending them#billions of dollars of funds and weapons by now. did you think about that. no the fuck you didnt
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i have to go get a pen
#NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I CANT DO IT I CANT DO IT I NEED TO ACTUALLY DO STUFF TOMORROW I CANT GIVE MYSELF ANY OTHER TASKS#nnndsffdnsfngffggee#listen ive been TRYING to do this stupid thing for over a week now i managed to sit down to it for like half a day a few days ago i did lik#half an hours work this is all i got man i cant do it AAAAAAAAA#it would be better if i just started but its so hard for some reason#i used up all my strength to do work i cant do it anymore i need to chill i need to laugh and have a good time#god i went to so many people with this and everyone says just force yourself sir i would have to force myself to force myself do you see ho#that would work?????? IT WOULDNT#idk man idkkkkk#some of this isnt even that hard to do i just have a mental block because the sole existence of this stupid assignment#brings up so much stress just from memory of it AAAUUUGHHHRRFDHFSDBGFGFDFGD#i just want to be free of this!!!!!!!!!!#but im literally finding anything to distract myself from thinking about it#dude theres no way ill be able to keep a job i will literally kill myself if they make me do anything i dont feel like doing#AAUURFHDSFDFS#this post evolved into something terrifying ok bye
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okay realtalk
#ahem fandom history time#okay personally? ive shipped selfcest since i was a wee lad#its always been a thing for me#and one of the first things i did in this fandom is draw oncest#but then i kinda was like... :/ abt oncie x greedler#BUT! that was not bc oncest is yucky! or weird or gross or whatever tf#its because a lot of the old oncest had very very very stereotypical seme x uke type stuff going on and thats just...#thats a nah for me#i dont jive w that#there's reasons why we collectively dont DO that anymore even if someone jokes about yaoi or whatever nobodys actually bringing up the#classic seme and uke stuff bc its just uh...bad! its bad#this post isnt abt why its bad tho so ill leave it at that#but yeah if someone criticizes THAT aspect of oncest i get it but to just say ALL oncest is weird or gross or makes you THAT sort of freak#just BE NORMAL#JUST DISLIKE THINGS! LIKE A NORMAL PERSON!#you dont have to section the other ppl off as freaks or degenerates or whatever for something THAT HURTS NO ONE! NOT A SINGLE SOUL!
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Do you guys ever think about how (as far as we know) c!Tubbo arguably made the right choice by deciding to never open up to c!Ranboo... Because c!Ranboo (when Enderwalking) retains all his memories and works alongside c!Dream anyway. So although c!Tubbo doesn't know it, his paranoia is actually keeping him safe, because the less info c!Ranboo knows the less he has the ability to tell c!Dream... Not that c!Ranboo necessarily would, but it sucks that like... c!Tubbo probably beats himself up for not wanting to share anything with his sweet and loyal husband, not even knowing that sharing the wrong stray detail about c!Tommy could have caused something disastrous. Like c!Tubbo was right to be a closed book and that shit hurts to think about!!!
#i need Ranboo to explain cRanboo so bad.#one of the only things i care about anymore. pls just tell me why a version of cRanboo with all his memories WHICH BTW#HIS MEMORIES WOULD INCLUDE THE DISC FINALE. Why that version of cRanboo would willingly help cDream.#Even IF cDream went ''oh i wasnt really gonna kill Tubbo it was staged also its good that New Lmanberg was exploded by me''#and even IF cRanboo wasnt told why the prison tnt needed to be set off & therefore didnt know hed be hurting cTommy#how could he work with someone who he knows has hurt cTubbo like that. If he genuinely cared.#and i think about that a LOT a lot bc like. We see all these glimpses of cRanboo just... not listening to what cTubbo is saying.#the warning about cWilbur in ho16 is a good example but also just about history and Lmanberg in general... cRanboo sort of gives off the#vibe that he thinks he knows better than cTubbo does. That he thinks he knows what cTubbo needs and what's best for him#but also that he like... idk i just have thought about it a lot and worryingly i think he could become similar to c!Technoblade eventually.#Not in the ''violence is the only universal language'' way but in the way of like ''as soon as someone doesnt agree w my ideals and feels#differently than I do they have lost my respect and protection until they Prove themself and Earn it back'' type deal. not NOW i dont think#cRanboo is like that NOW but... Everyone always says ''cRanboo grow a backbone'' but he DID... While enderwalking.#ew!Ranboo is him with a backbone and apparently the him with a backbone does not care if he hurts his loved ones.#like cRanboo is part of the problem of people brushing aside cTubbo's grief and pain like it doesnt matter. cRanboo helping cDream has the#same energy as cJack trying to kill cTommy. this sort of ''he'll get over it'' mentality about cTubbo that assumes that just because he HAS#in the past been able to ''bounce back'' from indescribable loss that means things dont bother him or he can do it easily#so like. i do believe cRanboo isnt unsalvageable. i think the parts of him WE see are very much just misguided and not intentionally#hurtful. but sometimes i think abt Ranboo saying he was gonna make it so no one could be an apologist for cRanboo and I think like#what Memory does ew!Ranboo regaun that suddenly makes it fine for him to hurt his loved ones? for ''Dream Is The Reason'' to completely#disappear for him? is cDream offering him something he cant refuse or god forbid does ew!Ranboo just AGREE with him?#that to me is like. Once i know that i can be at peace. thats like one of the only things I'll be genuinely upset if it isnt explained#bc when i tell you it has been haunting me for like a year.#ok sorry for the rant and sorry boobers if i messed up some lore details lol#doodle.txt
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its so odd thinking back to my life a few years ago compared to now
#like. my life really sucked. its so weird to think about that. every second before i thought 'its not so bad' even when it was bad#and now i see shit it really was that bad. i really did have a reason to want to kill myself all the time#maybe i dont have to blame myself for the person i was before while i had was dealing with all that stuff. who could act normally in that#kind of situation. of course i did bad shit and feel bad about it but i was a kid. and now im treating her the way that i was always treate#back then. i was in survival mode the entire time and just never realized it#and its so strange to think about how my life sucked and i was scared and alone all the time from the perspective of myself now#im not without support anymore. im not walking on eggshells anymore. im not afraid of violence all the time anymore#i dont believe my family hates me anymore. im not ready to pack up and leave because i think theyd be better off without me anymore#before i got good at anything my hobby was thinking of all the ways i could die and who would care. i spent all my time doing this#my daydreams were only about how people would react if i died. i dont do this that often anymore. close to never. and its so odd to remembe#since i was 6 i used to think this way. and up until a year or two ago i hated every version of myself and blamed them for me#but how was that fair. my life doesnt suck anymore. people i was without came back to me and love me#i see my cousins all the time. when i text them they text back. they ask me if im okay. they know when im not eating even when theyre not#around. i dont walk on eggshells around my mom as much as i used to. her attention isnt as divided as it used to be.#my brother is more of a brother than a stranger or an enemy. the image of him now and our relationship compared to what it used to be is#crazy. i had so much reason to be sad back then. i dont know why im still sad now when i got out of that life.#even now the reasons i have to be sad have dissolved. i used to feel like i was going insane without anyone to say the things i want to to#but i can say them to my cousin now. i have places i belong. its so strange to think about. idk#aricouldyounot
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#sorry i need to vent ignore this#my new years resolution for 2023 was to work out consistently and get fit#bc i was really embarrassed at how physically weak i was last summer#and for the most part i did but with prepa and stuff i couldnt exercise as much as i wanted#but i still lost a bit of weight and was somewhat happy with the results for a while but#now i hate it again i hate it so much#ive been dancing a LOT (like 4h/week min. which is a lot for a fulltime uni student) bc it's convenient and good cardio and most of all FUN#and yeah the weight i lost is due to that and my cardio is good and im definitely much more fit than last year but#i still hate the way i look. so viscerally. and i know its my brain telling me nonsense bc it's not like a body can 'look bad'#and i'm lit a healthy weight im just a little thicker than french standards?#but i need to exercise more i want to lose all this fat i pinch my skin and wish it would melt beneath my fingers#but i dont have time or money for the gym and no buddy to go with and im intimidated so i just work out from home but#it's not enough i feel so discouraged. body dysmorphia in the summer really doesnt help my seasonal depression#like i truly believed this year would be my 'summer body' or whatever shit that means and its not and idk what to do i just want to be#in another persons skin. have another persons body. anyone truly#to the point that dancing isnt even fun for me anymore it's just competitive w myself i want to maximize the calories i burn and#i sometimes record myself cause i want to see the steps i miss and i did and i saw my body and it killed all my joy.#made me wanna die and cry. i stopped dancing immediately and i just swallowed back the tears cause theres no way i look like that.#so repulsive and nowhere near where i wanted. and again i know it's in my head there's no such thing as a 'repulsive' body due to weight!?!#but i cant apply that reasoning to myself. and i hate myself so much rn#im being called for dinner rn but i'd honestly rather not eat. i think i'd feel horribly gross if i ate anything right now#i told my friends i'd stop using hunger as a form of self-punishment but it almost feels satisfying in a twisted way... like i deserve it#clara tais toi#like ia m SO obsessed with my appearance in a way that is borderline unhealthy i am SO#preoccupied by how im perceived (physically) if i look hot if i look pretty if i look cute at any and all times and#the answer is never ever satisfactory because other ppls judgement of me cannot fix my own but like#it's so exhausting. i'm so exhausted#dl later
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#idk why i thought it would be different this time#im an absolute idiot. im too fucking stupid to comprend all this shit#'maybe my professors will know how to help me' they never tell me shit. they havent helped me at all. i feel so stupid every correction#no matter how much i read or what i watch its like i cant understand anything#i used to love programming!!! i used to actually know what i was doing!!!!! when did i become so stupid!!!!#should i aak for help from someone else? probably! but i dont want them to know how much of an idiot i am#just kidding. i know all my friends know how stupid i am. doesnt mean i dont want them to give them even more proof of that#nor bother them either tbh. why should they have to waste time because im a fucking idiot?#im. such a disappointment#i dont want to do this anymore#every monday is just me going to that stupid class and see how dumb i am compared to everyone else. so pathetic#how did i even manage to pass all my classes? how do i only have my thesis left?#part of me wants to abandon everything but what would i do then? look for a job?#im an idiot and a horrible artist where the hell would i get a job? not like finishing my thesis would change that but. yknow#im so scared. for real how did it end up like this?#everyday i feel more stupid. i remember less. my body hurts a little more each day for reasons unknown#i dont understand how others have any expectation of me#i cant talk to others because everytime i have tried to express any worry i instantly get a joke or mock in reply#im so tired of everything#haunted.txt
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