Song of the Day: March 25

"Groovy Little Summer Song" by James Otto

TITLE: Summer Swift

AUTHOR/ARTIST: @jaskiersvalley

PROMPT DAY #: #4 Hurt/Comfort

SUMMARY: Over the years, Geralt had assumed Jaskier didn’t travel with him during the winter because it was too cold and tough on a fragile human body. He couldn’t have been more wrong.

WORD COUNT (if applicable): ~1k

BOOKS/NETFLIX/2002 SHOW/VIDEO GAME: Netflix show

TRIGGERS/WARNINGS: Depression, Seasonal Affective Disorder.

RATING: Teen and up

ADDITIONAL NOTES: Written as part of @geraskierweek. This one is dedicated to @thefishmongersdaughter - you know why :)

That first fateful meeting had been years ago but Geralt still remembered it. His Summer Swift had deemed him home for the warmer months, only leaving him as the cold set it. It was something Geralt had come to accept, cold, hard winters by himself. Such a life wasn’t fit for a fragile human.

“Where will you migrate to this winter, little hummingbird?” Geralt asked as he set the fire, an early chill had settled on the lands this year.

“I don’t know, I don’t think I’m welcome anywhere in particular this year and my coin is a bit thin to be able to put myself up somewhere.”

Weighing up the options, Geralt finally offered to be a companion for the colder months too, happy to pay towards rooms for cold nights and help with furs for Jaskier. It was quietly accepted with a warning that Jaskier might not be able to pay him back and that Geralt was not obligated to spend all his time with him. At that, Geralt only laughed a little and shook his head, reassuring Jaskier that he liked spending time with him, his happiness was infectious. For some strange reason, that only drew a bitter huff from Jaskier but it didn’t matter, Geralt was just happy he got to spend more time with his bard.

As the weeks went on, something changed. Watching Jaskier was like watching a fire die out, the embers blowing in the winds and trying to remember their former glory. He still played in taverns but a spark was missing. He sang, he smiled, he bowed and went through the motions of flirting. But Geralt could see how it all rang hollow, a poor mimicry of what Jaskier had been.

And Geralt didn’t understand. He tried to make it better, took Jaskier to better inns, bought him nicer furs, didn’t put any pressure on him to perform, he even stopped trying to cuddle him in case Geralt was the cause of his sadness. Maybe Jaskier only ever wanted a summer romance with him and now felt trapped. Pulling back from Jaskier hurt and it didn’t seem to help. If anything, it made him fall deeper into this fading disease of his. The smiles were empty, there were no new songs. In fact, Jaskier barely even touched his lute. Some days, he sat on the edge of the bed, lute in hand but after a restless plucking of one or two strings, nothing more came forth. It was a good day when he got half way through a song even if it had no soul.

Things got worse. Not even the finest foods Geralt could offer seemed to make the bard smile. And it was a worry. Especially when Geralt realised that he, as a Witcher, slept more than his human companion. He lost track of the amount of time Jaskier lay in bed, eyes open and staring when he should have been fast asleep.

“What ails you?” Geralt ended up asking in the middle of the winter. “Would you prefer to part ways?”

The fact Jaskier didn’t answer beyond a shrug was worrisome. Even worse was when he opened his mouth to actually speak. “It would probably be better for you. I’d understand.”

He probably would understand but Geralt didn’t. Especially not when a tear trickled down Jaskier’s temple where he was lying. His question about being allowed to approach was met with a silent nod and Geralt was padding across the room, sliding into bed like he had done so many times in the past. It took a little coaxing and moving Jaskier around until he could be held and then it was like a dam had broken. Human arms clutched at him and tears escaped along with apologies.

Over the course of the next couple of days, Geralt managed to tease the story out of Jaskier. Each winter, some curse seemed to fall on him where everything seemed pointless, nothing tasted good and it was like sunshine and warmth brought all his happiness. The winter robbed him of that. Left him a husk of who he used to be. So he made up for it in the warmer months, becoming larger than life in the hopes that some of it might be carried over into the winter. It never was. His winters were spent holed up in some room, either at a friend’s place or somewhere safe. Only, this year nobody had been willing to put up with him, nobody wanted him to haunt their halls with his emptiness.

Listening to it all only made Geralt hold him closer. It wasn’t easy. Some days he wanted to shake Jaskier and ask him what was so awful about winter when there were so many wonders it brought. Snow, a crisp chill to the air, beautiful sights, the wonder of a warm fireplace with hot chocolate to boot. But it didn’t matter. For whatever reason, Jaskier was blind to these simple joys. On the days Geralt wanted to rage, he simply went out, walked through the snow, tended to Roach and, by the time his annoyance had quietened, he felt bad. So he always returned with a small gift for Jaskier.

As early as winter had set in, it was just as quick to pass. Soon, the sun was brightening the mornings, snowdrops peered out of the ground. And, Geralt noted, it was like watching Jaskier wake up. Not a sudden spring back to his usual self, more like a steady, yawning stretch. Rather than sit on his bed, Jaskier could be cajoled to sit by the window and look out at the melting snow. His lute, which had been abandoned on the darkest nights of winter, found its way to his side again. The first time Jaskier laughed, it sounded like a blessing even though it was last heard so long ago, it might as well have been a myth from olden times.

By the time the weather warmed up and spring had announced its imminent arrival, Jaskier was smiling again. Not the bright, sunny smiles he had greeted Geralt with after a winter apart. No, in the previous years he wouldn’t have found Geralt just yet. But the echoes of it were there, growing stronger each day. When they set out on their travels again, there was a hint of a skip to Jaskier’s step that got stronger. As summer rolled around, Geralt was grateful to see that Jaskier was back to how he knew him, his migratory little bird. The pet names returned, only, this time, Geralt vowed that he would find something to make winters more bearable for his songbird. Thus, they started their chase of the summer across the continents, trying to always be one step ahead of winter and her curse.

𝐅𝐈𝐍𝐄 𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐄 ━ 𝐘𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐄 𝐁𝐓𝐒 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐎𝐍 *:·。.

{ ⚠️} WARNING - This is a yandere au, meaning the following may be triggering to some viewers.  I am not trying to discriminate the boys in any way, this is for entertainment purposes. Viewer discretion is advised!!!

{ ☕️} NOTE - I changed up the plot just a teensy bit, love!! this is fanboy!bts with idol!reader

{ 💐} ANON ASKED - ❝ Hcs of yan idol!bts with an idol!s/o uwu ❞

━━━ 𝐊𝐈𝐌 𝐒𝐄𝐎𝐊𝐉𝐈𝐍

jin is an old, childhood friend of yours that departed from your life as your career skyrocketed

he’s a distant memory, but, to jin, you mean everything

how must he move on when your smile sits in the sun? how can you expect him to simply forget about you when he feels your touch in the wind and sees your eyes in the stars!?

this life is not for you, rather, the sweet, mundane one you and him planned for in blanket forts during the time of your youth

oh, what he’d do to lay his hands upon your summer skin and to look into the ornaments of your irises…

jin’s obsession only intensifies when he found your address and broke into your estate days later

he left old polaroids with dates stamped from nearly a decade ago on your dresser

even going as far as to sleep in your bed

inhaling your scent, relishing in the ghost of your form, the revelation brought him to tears

luckily, you didn’t take notice to your damp pillow that jin had broke down on

but, god, does he miss you…

after one of your concerts, you stumbled sluggishly to your dressing room

there was no answer as to why you were so lethargic, but, you only assumed it was the downfall from the adrenaline rush you received from the shrill screams from fans

without even bothering to change our of the skimpy outfits you were obligated to wear, you nestled yourself onto the leather couch

with a numb body, before you fell into a slumber, you hear a relatively sweet voice as they comfort and coo your name like the melody of a dove

❝ it’s ok, it’s ok. everything will be ok, you’re safe now, y/n/n… oh, how i have longed for this single moment for so, so long! we’ll be happy together, i promise you. we’ll be just fine… ❞

━━━ 𝐌𝐈𝐍 𝐘𝐎𝐎𝐍𝐆𝐈

min yoongi, a fan of y/n l/n!? that’s just absurd!

there’s no possible way that the cold-hearted, aloof, intimidating-as-all-can-be min yoongi could be some closeted fanboy… right?

but, just one peek into his rusted journal and you’ll uncover poetry that challenges oscar wilde and pages filled with doodles of your starlit face

one peak into his bedroom and you’ll find three cardboard cutouts with words of honey written on sticky notes that are strung upon your form

you’ll see posters littered all around the room, even a few taped on his ceiling so you’d be the first thing he sees when his alarm disrupts him of his slumber

one peak at his body and you’ll find tattoos littered upon his skin from everything to your name, to your favorite flowers, to your full-on face that he hides under chunky sweaters

there must be a million quotes of your songs that he deluded himself into believing was intended just for him inked upon his skin forever

all of those words he typed with the intention of escaping reality and joining you hand-by-hand into a new future are his source of light in these grey, gloomy days

and don’t get me started on all of those times he accidentally wrote your name during exams or how he spent his nights gazing into the cardboard cutout before him just praying that with some magic spell, you’d come alive and be there with him

yoongi is not just some devoted fan, no

he’s your soulmate

and this man is willing to walk straight into the depths of hell and crawl his way out just to prove it so.

━━━ 𝐉𝐔𝐍𝐆 𝐇𝐎𝐒𝐄𝐎𝐊

hoseok’s idea of a typical friday night would not be lying and rebelling against his parents just to join his friend and be packed like sardines in an abnormally-heated arena

the sweaty-scented mosh pit adorned with dozens of fans screaming for an idol he doesn’t even remember the name of, he’d just about rather be anywhere now

that is until you waltz out and the shouts intensify, everyone chanting your name as you show off your sugary-sweet smile like a king would with a crown

hoseok might as well have melted into the germ-infested floor before him from how stunned he was upon seeing you for the first time

and your voice!

god, the way you sang with such a level way of elegance sounded like the coo of a dove, the fits of laughter you shared had the poor sunshine in the crowd grow a weak-hearted smile

your eyes shined like wild stars as you looked upon the faces of every individual guest and beaming at the way they so cheerfully smiled for you

and you looked straight at hoseok! he swears you did!

as the glistening lights fade and you turn tail and walk off stage, you are completely oblivious to the boy in the crowd who’s left his heart on a silver platter just for your liking

he leaves the arena giddy, practically shaking with excitement in his seat and blabbering about every breath you took as his friend drives him back to his home

and this poor, but immensely infatuated boy doesn’t earn an inkling of shut-eye for the next 3 days due to him obsessively stalking all of your content

he’ll fake a cough and skip school just to lie in bed, listen to your music and fantasize about all of those lovestruck lyrics you sing being solely intended for him

hoseok will spend hours upon hours looking through photoshoots of yours

even spending as far as 4 hours staring at the same picture of you, tracing his fingers upon the pixelated screen and imagining it was your skin he caressing

you’re his whole life now!

hoseok doesn’t know what he’d do without you…

━━━ 𝐊𝐈𝐌 𝐍𝐀𝐌𝐉𝐎𝐎𝐍

oh, the proper and pristine kim namjoon

how much more perfect could you get with a wealthy lifestyle, having the privilege to attend some elite school and terrible, terrible parents?

how he’s just a mangled heart in the hands of a monster

but, as the all-mighty, alpha-male facade drops, we’ll witness the truth behind all that faux dominance

pray into the truth that’s itched under his skin and you’ll find a soft, gooey centerpiece that’s sweet and submissive

after some pointless bicker with his father, namjoon will return to his bedroom, door locked as relishes in his only source of joy: you

he’ll lie down in his expensive sheets, fantasizing about your sweet voice and touch, caressing him and cooing him of his worries

namjoon will cling onto a body pillow, staining the fabric with his tears

his tenacious grip (on what he fantasizes being you) will not weaken and will remain to be his only form of comfort in these grey days

and on the laptop before him, he’ll turn on one of your lives from the past, pretending, just for now, that you are here and you are real

all those other eyes that also watch you, they’re not real!

it’s just you and him

and having the privilege to lie down and relish in your disgustingly sweet essence is all-too infatuating for his poor heart to handle!

knowing that at the end of the day, he’ll always have you saved his life in more ways than one

knowing that he is yours and you are his, he has found tranquility.

━━━ 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐊 𝐉𝐈𝐌𝐈𝐍

hours upon hours of scrolling with those all-too-familiar but infatuating jolts to his heart, jimin comes across a photo

a photo of you and a friend, just a little too close for his liking…

and there, we witness a tsunami of insecurities and doubts who have biased jimin for its affection

his mind reels back and forth between the potential truth and reassurance:

you love him! yes, you love him! you liked his comment once! and you even noticed him during a live stream 3 months, 1 week and 4 days ago!

and he’s not crazy, he just loves you so, so much! i mean…

yes, he did strangle a girl that caught your sweatshirt when you threw it into the crowd, but that was all in the past!

this is in the present, and jimin loves you more than you’ll ever know!

and oh, how dreamy and overwhelmingly immaculate that night was…

how he savored every breath that left your mouth as you sang for the arena, how the tears fell down his cheeks as the revelation of your presence knocked the air out of his lungs, and how even months after the concert, he still keeps the clothes he wore that night safely tucked in a rack cover

not a single second goes by where jimin does not think of the luminescence of that single night and just how golden your single presence was

but, for now, he is departed from your form and must find comfort by his lonesome

jimin will scroll through fanfiction, feeling his heart quicken with every word that makes up for his fantasies, satisfying him of his deprived need for you

he has lost count of how many imagines he’s saved at this point, but, then again, he doesn’t care

all that is valid is the pandemonium he sits in while relishing in the fantasy of you being with him, and to hold the privilege of simply waking up next to you in his embrace

as your songs and his hushed sobs echo, jimin grips onto the pillow and lets your cherubic voice soothe him of his sorrows

and for just this short time, jimin can let your seraphic voice bring him serenity.

━━━ 𝐊𝐈𝐌 𝐓𝐀𝐄𝐇𝐘𝐔𝐍𝐆

yeah……… you’re fucked

after enduring the torture of public school and numerously writing down your name when he intended to write down some algebraic expression he couldn’t remember if he tried, taehyung has returned home

and nothing feels better than satisfying that eternal longing held within him

he’ll ignore his parents and their attempt at small-talk, mumbling something about needing to finish homework and locking himself in his room

and what we see in his room is………. terrifying…? infatuating…?

i mean, your face is EVERYWHERE

posters, polaroids, selfies, all splattered across the walls, ceilings, and even his locker at school

there’s even a single screenshot taped above his desk of the smile plastered on his face when you read his comment: “i love you” during one of your live streams

taehyung then open his sketchbook, smiling fondly with his heart battering in his chest as he flips through past sketches of your beaming face with flowers and fruits adorning the pages

he seeks an empty page, beginning another one of his trillion sketches of you, his muse

this boy doesn’t need a picture to follow from, he knows every one of your facial features from heart

from the shape of your nose to the single mole on your cheek, taehyung has got it imprinted in his mind

and as your song spills from his phone while he’s sketching your wondrous eyes, he thinks back to the sacred memory of when he attended your concert

hearing you serenade thousands upon thousands of fans, including him, wasn’t anywhere near the most momentous part of that night

claiming he was your boyfriend to the guards, shining his sugary-sweet boxy smile and having access to follow you backstage was the best moment of his entire life spent on this planet!

he snapped some photos of you as you scrolled through social media on the leather couch, relishing in the way you so simply… lived

yeah, the guards nearly killed him for that one, but, having the privilege to admire you in your natural state made everything worth it

after all, if it was for you, anything was worth it.

━━━ 𝐉𝐄𝐎𝐍 𝐉𝐔𝐍𝐆𝐊𝐎𝐎𝐊

as jungkook lays sprawled out on dirty sheets, the voice of y/n l/n echoes and reverberates in his eardrums

this is what tranquility is; this is what peace means, even it’s only temporary

and god, there must be something laced with your voice because never in his life has jungkook felt something like this

floating through space, running on stars, dancing on saturn’s rings; this is the feeling that blossoms within jungkook’s chest

and for once, he can forget all the anger that lingers in the path of his past

trust me, these memories are not anywhere near pretty

from beating a boy to a bloody pulp for calling you a “dumb pop-star” to punching holes into the drywall after a drama channel gossips about a supposed new lover of yours,

jungkook is a complete psycho fan

and spending his rent on tickets for a fan-meet just proves how worthy you are to this stranger

words couldn’t do the emotion jungkook felt when he caught sight of you any justice

he might as well as stepped onto another planet because, god, he’s never seen a sight so astonishing

he finds stars in your eyes and finds himself lost in your smile which resembles a string of pearls

you are in every means perfect

and as his turns reaches near, you grasp hold of his hand to calm him of his nerves

alas, jungkook has found nirvana

he must have looked like such an idiot being so giddy and excited for the human who has never seen him in their entire life

but finally, he has the privilege to meet face-to-face with the love of his life, and you bet he savors every single second of the time spent with you

jungkook even went as far as to have the signature you signed on his forearm tattooed, so your touch would be imprinted on his skin forever

now, you’ll be intwined for eternity…

Forget Me Not

A/N

This is my first writing and its not very good, but I figured I’d just post it anyway. I kind of struggled with the ending. Let me know if you’d like to see more /.\

Pairing: Doyoung x Reader 

Genre: Fluff, Angst

Word Count: 4.1k

Song Rec: Summer Love- Aseul

“Please darling, it won’t be the same without you,” your mother pleaded over the phone as you began to stack up a semester’s worth of textbooks and scrawled note paper. Your dorm window was propped open to invite the warm balmy May breeze into your bedroom. You had just finished your second semester of college, and were looking forward to moving into your own apartment. Though you had been away from home for two years, you only had just begun to feel truly independent.

“I’ve gone every year though, can’t I just enjoy my new place? I have so much to do,” you replied, boxing up the books for good. Of course you loved the yearly summer vacation tradition of going to the seaside town of Cape Azure. Yet somehow, you felt it would hinder your momentum. You had been on the trip every year without fail, but it only symbolized a part of yourself that was now in the past.

“You’ll have plenty of time to do that afterwards, it’s only three weeks. It’s the only time we all have together,” her voice cracked, and you couldn’t tell if it was intentional or not, but it struck you still. Your father was a professor, and worked tirelessly over the fall and spring. Summer really was the only time you could say you had spent with him for as long as you could remember.

“Fine,” you sighed, knowing there was no arguing with her, “I’ll see what kind of flight I can catch later tonight, okay?”

“He’ll be so happy to see you,” your mother sang. You laughed, suddenly looking forward to it. In the back of your mind, you wondered if he would still be there too.

The familiar salty breeze ruffled your sundress as you strode across the road and onto the boardwalk, colorful sailboats dotting the turquoise shoreline. The air was slightly humid, and sweat had already begun to stick to your neck. You gazed up at the endless sky, so crushingly blue it only served to contrast the stark white beach houses hugging the sand. You had arrived at Cape Azure only yesterday, but you were already eager to immerse yourself back into nostalgia. You had walked along the boardwalk so many times, enjoying the view and the different kinds of people scattered about. Some local, and many others just visiting like yourself. Although you didn’t want to admit it, you had come to see if he was still here.

Your steps took you back to the kayak rental stand, nestled between the dock and a gelato shop that you never failed to revisit. You had met him here at fifteen, when your parents had asked you to pick out a kayak. That entire summer was spent together, an innocent friendship blossoming. He was all you thought about until you’d seen him again.

Your eyes scanned the inside, but you were only met with a middle aged man reading a book from behind the counter. Your heart sank a little and you turned around, heading for the edge of the dock. The expanse of blue took your breath away as you trailed the edge of the railing, looking down to see if there were any seals swimming below. Peering down from such a drop made your head spin, and you quickly turned back up, staggering slightly.

“Are you alright?” a soft voice chimed beside you, and you froze.

“Ah, I…” you managed, looking into the eyes of the concerned boy. His black hair tousled in the wind and his dark eyes blinked into the sun. It was him.

“I-I’m fine, I just get dizzy easily,” you brush your hair out of your face, your pulse beginning to quicken.

“I see, well be careful then,” he said kindly, turning his attention to the water. You stood there for a moment before resting your arms against the railing, not sure of how this interaction would continue. It was like this every time, and you cursed at yourself for not being able to get used to it.

“My name’s y/n,” you said courageously, balling your fists and biting your lip. The sheen of sweat against your skin had become more noticeable to you now. You hoped the bright sun was a good enough excuse for the deep blush that colored your cheeks.

“Ah,” he said shyly, looking down, “I’m Doyoung.”

“Have we met before?” you asked, gritting your teeth. You knew it was a meaningless question.

“I-I don’t think so,” he said, looking over at you. His words were the same every time, but they still hurt nonetheless. It had been five years since you had known each other, and not once had he remembered you. At first you thought it was a joke, or his cruel way of trying to get rid of you. It didn’t take long for you to realize he had truly forgotten, and you had no way of knowing how he could possibly remember you. Each summer, you would meet again for the first time, become close, and then repeat the cycle. Though at first you were simply interested in him, your feelings quickly grew into something more.

“Do you want to get some gelato with me?” you smiled at his confused expression.

“Um, s-sure,” he agreed, and you heaved a sigh of relief as you both walked down the dock together.

“Are you here for the summer?” he asked timidly, his eyes glancing in your direction for only a moment.

“Yeah, just a few weeks. I usually come with my family every year.” His brow furrows and he nods as if he’s trying to recollect the broken pieces of his memory. You try not to let your disappointment show as you introduce yourself to him once again, pretending that you had never met before. But your memories of the previous summer made it all the more difficult.

The both of you picked out your ice cream and strolled along the white sand of the beach, the crashing of the waves calming your anxiety as you tried your best to make an impression on him. This was always the most critical time, because you were always afraid he would lose interest and you’d never get him back. But he always returned to you somehow.

Long after you had finished your gelato, you realized the sun’s angle in the sky and how long you had been “out for a walk”. Though it pained you to leave him, you weren’t sure how you could keep his attention much longer.  

“Shit, it’s kind of late,” you looked at the clock on your phone, standing up from the stone wall you both had been sitting on, “I should probably go.”

“Wait,” he rose, “Can I give you my number?” You looked into his dark eyes, and you could swear they were sparkling. Your breath caught in your chest as you handed him your phone. Though he had given you his number many times before, you had always ended up deleting it as soon as you were back home. Even after a few days he didn’t know who you were, and it was pointless reaching out as you had learned.

He handed you the phone back and you smiled, “I’ll text you later. It was nice meeting you!” He returned your smile and nodded, “You too.”

You hadn’t wasted a single moment after your reunion with Doyoung. Every day he waited for you on the boardwalk, and you would talk until your parents would call asking where you had gone. It was blissful being around him again. The way he would laugh until he fell over, how he would always pick out a shell for you from the beach. As much as you tried to contain your feelings, you couldn’t help but fall in love with him each time. You had never met anyone like him.

“Hey, let’s go for a picnic today,” Doyoung suggested over the phone as you threw your wet hair up into a towel. Your mind immediately recalled the year before, when he had asked you to go on a picnic. Your cheeks flushed and you bit your lip, remembering how he had kissed you that day. It wasn’t your first kiss, but it was somehow different. Both of your feelings had progressed so much then, it felt like an entire lifetime within that span of three weeks. You had gotten better at distancing yourself from that part of your life, but the feeling of his lips lingered long into the cold winter months. You had spent countless nights lying awake, wishing you could just talk to him again.

“Yeah sounds fun,” you inhaled sharply, becoming flustered, “I’ll meet you at our usual spot.”

You finished getting ready, throwing on a denim skirt and light blue blouse, and applied a tinted gloss to your lips, just in case. As you headed out the door, you were greeted by bright sunshine and a temperate breeze, the sky so blue it made your chest ache. Doyoung met you at the boardwalk, a jean jacket draped over a black t-shirt and jeans, his lean figure propped against the wood of the kayak stand. He seemed startled by your appearance, unable to take his eyes off of you.

“You look...pretty today,” he breathed, taking a moment before grabbing your hand and leading you to a red tandem bike resting against the wall.

“I thought it would be fun if we tried this,” he said as he swung his leg over. You grinned and hopped your leg over carefully, grabbing onto the small bars for balance. This was one of his favorite things to do, and you loved it each time. The both of you rode to the sandwich shop nearby, picking up your favorites before heading through the rows of beach houses, securing your bags onto the handlebars. Before long, the houses dwindled into nothing but a wide road and a sea of grass and trees. You knew exactly where you were going, but it was still thrilling all the same.

At the large willow tree, he stopped and you both hopped off the bike, laying it on its side. He spread his jacket on the ground and offered for you to sit. You became nervous as memories flooded your mind, his soft lips and gentle hands.

“You know, it’s so weird,” Doyoung started after finishing his sandwich, “I don’t really know you, but you feel so familiar. I think that’s why I probably can’t stop thinking about you.” You gulped your strawberry soda and turned away, your cheeks ablaze.

“I don’t mean to embarrass you,” he said softly, his knee against your thigh, “I just really like you y/n.” Your heart pounds in your chest at his words. You can feel the electricity from his close proximity. You understand the moment, knowing all too well.

“I like you too,” you say quietly, the wind ruffling your hair a bit and cooling your face. Doyoung grabs your chin in his hand, looking at you intently as you try to avoid his gaze. His touch is like a searing hot iron on your skin, and you nearly flinch away.

“Can I kiss you y/n?” he whispered, his breath fanning your face and you nod, looking up at him through your lashes. He closes the distance between your lips and his, kissing you softly. All the tension in your body melts away as you both tentatively taste each other, becoming blissfully unaware of your surroundings. The sweetness of his kisses become slightly fevered, and he slips his hand to the back of your neck, curling his fingers in your hair. You shiver at the sensation, but this only seems to encourage him further. He pulls your waist closer to him until your chest is against his, continuing to deepen the kiss as you both become melded together. Your head is spinning but it’s the loveliest feeling, and you wish you could stay in that moment forever.

After awhile, Doyoung pulls away and watches your face as it becomes more and more overcome with emotion. He looks down at the grass, lacing his fingers between it as his hand falls from your cheek. You’re silent, heart wrenching as you try to remain composed. You had been longing for him for what seemed like decades, but you’d never allowed yourself to cry. Now it felt as if all those tears were prying their way from your eyes, suffocated by your suppression.

His hand reaches up to catch your tears that had already begun to fall. The look in his eyes was so beautiful and sad you felt you would weep.

“I do know you, don’t I?” Doyoung mumbled solemnly. You couldn’t look at him, your face entirely covered in tears. Why did you have to miss him so damn much? There was no future between you two. It was a vicious cycle of trying to get him to hold on to your memory, but you hadn’t accepted the fact that you yourself were trying to hold onto the memory of him.

“Please don’t forget me again Doyoung,” you whispered, clutching at the bottom of your skirt, shoulders twitching as you cried softly.

“I’m so sorry y/n,” he hushed, pulling you into his arms to lay your head on his chest. Usually it would take much longer for him to remember, but your lips had been enough for him. The pain in his chest now mirrored yours, only from guilt and hopelessness.

“I tried so hard to remember, I don’t know how long it even lasted,” his voice was heavy with shame, holding you tighter as if it could erase all the pain he had put you through, “But I’m here now. Let’s just try to make the most of the time we have.”

You weren’t sure if you should have tried to find him again. To unearth these feelings you so desperately tried to hide. But the steady beating of his heart, the rise and fall of his breathing intoxicated you. His presence was a temporary high, making everything okay as long as he was there. You knew this choice would only hurt you more, but for now you didn’t want to waste any time.

Days had gone by in a blissful blur as you both reminisced of the summers past. It always happened this way. You simply waited for him, and all of his memories of you came flooding back. In some ways it made things complicated, but you’d never felt so close to him before. He couldn’t stand a day without you. You were gone so much, your parents had started to complain. They had no idea, and you had no intention of telling them.

“Honey, let’s have one last sail on the water today,” your mother called to your father from the kitchen of their vacation home. You were lying on the couch, scrolling through your phone lazily with a leg hooked over the side.

“Hmm,” your father grunted, keeping his eyes fixed on his laptop from the lounge chair adjacent to you. Even now he was still focused on work. It made you sad, wondering if you’d end up like that too. You hoped he at least felt it meaningful or fulfilling in some way.

“Y/n, get dressed so we can all go out.” You sighed and rolled off of the couch and into the bathroom. You only had until tomorrow, and then your fleeting romance with Doyoung would be quickly extinguished. It made your body feel heavy. You couldn’t imagine forgetting all the wonderful new memories created, the smiles and kisses. It would all come to an end. And you weren’t sure if you could ever continue this again.

With much effort, you managed to look presentable and followed your parents to the harbor. Your father’s yellow sailboat sat tranquilly rocking back and forth, awaiting its next voyage. As you hopped aboard, you looked around to see if you might catch Doyoung hanging around somewhere by the beach. You wished you hadn’t felt so guilty for wanting to stay back.

After setting out on the water, you checked your phone to find that there was no service. Any hopeful texts would have to wait, and you begrudgingly took out your book you had brought with. Your parents chatted as you read, honing in on the sound of the waves lapping at the boat and the cry of the gulls overhead. Finally, you grew impatient and stripped off your shorts and tank, diving into the deep blue abyss. You popped your head from the water to the annoyed screams of your mother.

“Y/n, don’t scare me like that!” You shrugged and swam out a little, loving the feeling of the cool water on your sun kissed skin. The sky above you looked so infinite, you felt as though you’d fall into it and drown.

The sun had sunk low on the horizon, a burning, enduring red bleeding into the waters. You had never given much thought to sunsets, but it stirred something in your chest and you felt a lump begin to form in your throat.

“It’s beautiful isn’t it?” you mother mused, her eyes glued to the vibrant seascape. You nodded, not trusting your own voice to sound normal. It was so beautiful it hurt.

“Sad it never lasts long though,” your father hummed as the colors quickly began to ice over into a subdued purple. He began to steer back to the harbor before it got too dark, docking just as the sky became a dusty blue. Your footsteps were heavy with fatigue as you all walked back to the beach house, supposedly satisfied with the day.

“Oh dear you got a terrible sunburn,” your mother fretted as she took a good look at you. You had just sat back down on the couch, wincing at the rough fabric brushing against your skin.

“Guess I forgot sunscreen today,” you sighed, getting up to see if there was any aloe vera hiding in the bathroom cabinet. To your disappointment, there was none.

“Hey, I’m gonna go walk to the convenience store,” you called as you grabbed your purse from your room and shuffled on a pair of sandals.

“Are you sure? We could go for you,” your mother offered, but you insisted. You were exhausted, but you needed the fresh air to clear your head. The store wasn’t very far, only about a fifteen minute walk. There were still quite a few tourists out, heading to restaurants and enjoying evening beach strolls. You wondered if Doyoung had tried to call you, seeing as there were no texts coming through.

After picking up a bottle of aloe vera, you stepped back outside and shivered, the air considerably colder. You tried rubbing your arms, but it only aggravated your sunburn. As you turned the corner, you felt the weight of someone else crashing into you. You exclaimed in surprise, taking a step back. It was Doyoung.

“Y/n, I need to talk to you,” he said, a hint of desperation in his voice. You stood dumbfounded for a moment, but his presence brought such relief you finally felt normal for the first time that day.

“Doyoung,” you gasped slightly, “of course. I-I’m sorry I was out all day.”

“It’s okay,” he wrapped his arms around you, “I was just scared. I didn’t want to forget you.” Your heart sunk and you held onto him, burrowing your face in his chest. You didn’t know what to say. The agony of missing him paled in comparison to the thought of him fiercely yet futilely protecting his memories  

“I’m leaving after tomorrow,” you said finally, and his body became stiff. He pulled away, looking at you with pitifully empty eyes. You bit your lip, feeling the lump in your throat once more.

“That’s okay. We’ll get through this,” he reassured, but even his voice wavered. You remained silent, blinking as you took his hand and began to walk. You didn’t know where you were going, but you couldn’t think straight. The moon had risen and painted a pale yellow streak on the waves, rippling and twinkling like stars. The both of you had made your way down to the sand, your hands still entwined.

“I can’t believe it’s been three weeks already,” you sighed, gazing up at the half moon, “I don’t want this to be over.” Doyoung stopped to place his hand on your cheek, his lips gently pressing against yours.

“We can make it work somehow,” he said as he kissed you again. You allowed yourself to be taken by his lips, committing the feeling to memory one last time.

“Doyoung, I don’t think it’s possible. At least, not anymore.”

“What are you saying? We can talk everyday. There’s no way we couldn’t-”

“You don’t remember,” you interrupted him, casting your eyes to the tide that snaked closer to your flip flopped feet. His brows knit together.

“But-”

“We’ve already tried. It never works. I don’t know what it is, but as soon as I’m gone you can’t remember anything.” He looked lost. Of course those memories never return. He’d never remember the way you cried over the phone, chanting your name over and over until the line went dead. It was never going to work. You cursed yourself for thinking otherwise at any point.

“Y/n, I don’t want to forget you,” his eyes glistened with tears, and your heart wrenched in your chest at the sight. There was no way you could do this to him again, or go through this. This was the last time.

“You won’t care as long as you don’t remember again,” you said solemnly, hating how your words sounded so cold, “I won’t come back.” He ran his hand through his hair in frustration, turning towards the sea with a helpless expression.

“Please, we can just take up where we left off. Can’t we?”

You shake your head, “I’m sorry, I just can’t. I should have let you go. I was being selfish and I’m sorry. I’ve just never met anyone like you before.” Your voice became quiet, the waves overpowering you.

“I think I’m in love with you though,” Doyoung said restlessly, and his words pierced through your chest. The waves became louder and you felt the splash of water as it nipped at your ankles. He looked so lovely in the moonlight, his features soft despite how distressed he was. Your heart ached at how much you would miss him.

“I can’t do this anymore. I won’t.” Your tears escaped you and you hugged him so tightly as though he would disappear at any moment. He kissed you again, though with such intensity you became dizzy, as though he was trying to convey all he had to you. When he lead you to the ridge of the sand, you let him. You let his hands explore your body, feeling the crackle of electricity running through you. You let him make love to you right there on the sand, for the first and last time. And it was both poignant and devastating, the only way you could say goodbye.

The next day, you didn’t see him or speak to him. You had already deleted his contact from your phone, ready to brace yourself for the pungent remorse. You tried not to think about how many times he would try calling you, how he must hate himself for being the reason it would never move past what it already was. It was all just too bittersweet.

As you packed your things the morning after, you took a deep breath of the salty air spilling from your window. You thought of your apartment waiting for you, your new life just beginning. It was something you so desperately wished you could share with him. But this place was a limbo, never changing, and he was another part of that. Though it broke your heart to admit it.

On your way to the car, you saw Doyoung’s soft black hair from down the sidewalk. You wanted to call out to him, but you were afraid he had already forgotten. There was still a bad taste in your mouth for leaving things like this, but it was the best you could do. Though you would be erased from this place, you would keep the memories alive in you. You were afraid of finally accepting what was never meant for you, but you could never, ever forget him. You knew the most beautiful things in life were too quick to vanish. And he was certainly beautiful.

The Way We Fell - Lin Yanjun

[a/n: sorry i been posting. i really love yanjun tho and seeing him in the new banana series gave me motivation to finish this, though.]

[cxk, cln, fcc, hmh, lyj, zzt, wzy, wlk, yzj] / masterlist

“If you keep loving like that, you’re bound to get hurt.”

Those are the words Lin Yanjun would always tell you.

He thinks you’re quite...odd - annoying, if he wants to hurt your feelings. How could somebody be so in love with everything that comes into contact with them? The rain, the sunshine, the stars in the sky and the sea that shimmers below. Everyday, Yanjun hears you profess your love for everything and everyone.

He hates it - how you throw yourself into love with anyone and anything. He thinks it’s pointless. Why love something that may never love you back? he constantly thinks when he’s around you.

“Heartbreaks are a part of life,” you always tell him. “It’s how you grow.”

If that’s how height worked, Yanjun doesn’t think that he would’ve made it past the age of an average two year old.

Lin Yanjun, to say the least, was not somebody to love. He was cold hearted. He thought there was more to life than just finding someone to fall in love with. And if that were true, he thought that he shouldn’t waste all of his time trying to find it.

Little did he know that if love wasn’t something that one would find, much rather something that would find you.

Nobody could understand the relationship between the two of you. Somebody who spurted vibrancy constantly clinging to someone with rain clouds over their head. It was an unsightly clash and yet, you stuck with him.

Because that’s what you do when somebody calls you first in their time of need. It’s what you do when somebody puts your needs before their own. You fall into love with those who need to be loved and so whole heartedly did you fall for Yanjun.

He meets you during his childhood. He’s not sure why or how or more exactly when you became a nuisance in his life but you came and never left his side. You were constantly inviting yourself over or ringing on his doorbell so that he could come out and play. But he never told you to go away. Not even when he was angry with you for breaking his new toy or making him fall off of his scooter. He’d simply say that he needs to go home and readies himself for the next day when you come bounding through his doorway with a shit eating grin plastered across your face.

He doesn’t have a lot of friends growing up. He likes to keep to himself, quietly moving between the halls of the school with a sour look etched on his face. And yet, everyone knows who he is.

Because of you.

You had many friends. Everyone in the school considered you their friend. People were always inviting you out to lunch and parties and to hang out after school. But you, more times than not, would reject. You knew Yanjun liked to stay in the library during lunch. You knew he wasn’t much for the party scene. You didn’t want to leave him. So every day, you’d always bring to paper sacks and throw them on the table, smiling happily as he glared at you.

After school, he’d drive you home. He never speaks up about how much he hates the song you love so much. He lets you fiddle with the heater or the AC even when he starts to shudder or sweat. He’s quiet, really. The only time he speaks up is when you don’t put your seatbelt on as soon as you sit down in his car.

“You have a big ass head and I don’t want it to go flying through my windshield,” he’d grumble as he reaches over your body to grab your strap. He clicks the metal in and then speeds out of the parking lot in hopes that he only has to hear that annoying song twice.

When you both arrive to his house, he lets you pull him onto the bed and rest your head on his chest. He strokes your head with one hand and plays with his phone in the other. He acts like he doesn’t care that you’re there. He always does. But when your soft breaths even out, he can’t help but smile. He never tells you, but he wants to stay like this forever.

Yanjun has a hard time saying he loves you. You know that much. He’s mean in a way. He calls your names and sometimes, it’s enough to hurt your feelings. He closes himself off. He walks away from you. There are times where you find yourself asking if he loves you as much as you love him. But then, when he softly holds your hand in a crowded area or thrusts a glass of water your way, part of you knows he cares. It’s times like this where you’re reminded that if Yanjun truly did hate you as much as he claims he does, he would’ve let you go earlier. He wasn’t somebody who just kept people around that he didn’t find necessary. Maybe that’s what gave you comfort to sleep at night.

There are times where you want to ask him what the two of you are. The question burns as he hovers above you and kisses the life from your body. As much as you whisper that you love him between your teeth, he never gives himself enough time to say it back to you. He always seems to avoid saying it back to you.

The question of if Yanjun does love you in even the slightest gawns at your bones on nights like that.

The question becomes more evident as you start to talk to a nice boy by the name of Honglin. He takes you out on dates and buys you flowers. Sure, the flowers he gets you makes you sneeze and perhaps you weren’t particularly fond of the movies or restaurants he picks but he tries and he expresses how much he likes you whenever he gets the chance to.

At one point on a date to the movies, Honglin places his hand on your thigh. You push it away kindly and take to holding it but he eventually finds a way to sneak his hand back a little too close for comfort. You tell him to stop and instead, he pecks your lips and squeezes the flesh between his fingers. You laugh awkwardly and after a few minutes, excuse yourself to the bathroom.

Yanjun shows up five minutes later, barging into the bathroom and sees you sitting on the counter with a shaken expression. He scoffs and rolls his eyes, grabbing you by the wrist and dragging you out before anyone could yell at him.

It’s when you exit that you see Honglin standing there expectantly. He raises his eyebrows at Yanjun and tries to speak with you but Yanjun cuts in.

“This date is over. We’re leaving,” he states coldly.

“And who are you?” Honglin scoffs.

Yanjun smirks. “More than you’ll ever be, that’s for sure.”

And he’s right.

Yanjun is the first person you ever share a kiss with when you were younger, the first person you ever slept with, the first person you ever tell that you love with their whole heart. And as time moves on, Yanjun is the last as well.

He smiles back at the old memories. At twenty two, never did Yanjun think he’d have to experience death the way that he did.

He still remembers. You both were away at college when you had first fallen ill. He takes you home for the weekend and tells your parents how fickle you are nowadays and blames it on being homesick. He kisses you hard and leaves back the next day because he has an exam that he can’t miss.

He swings you texts while you’re gone and wants to know when he should pick you up again. You tell him that your parents want you to stay home and he doesn’t pick into it.

Stupid.

Because the next time he sees you, is during the second month of summer. He had already spent the first month away on vacation with his family and returns to find you in a hospital bed.

He wants to know why you didn’t tell him - why you lied when he asked if you were okay. You tell him that it’s because he was so happy for once in his life and you loved him too much to take that away from him. He shakes his head and tells you that if you loved him as much as you say you do, you would’ve told him as soon as you found out. He calls you the most selfish person he‘s ever met then leaves, slamming the door behind him.

You’re not even angry at him.

Because you’ve learned over the years of loving Yanjun that you need to love every side of him. His happy side that occasionally breaks out as he throws his head back to laugh, his sleepy side that wants to cuddle and be the smaller spoon, his indecisive side that takes thirty minutes to order, but especially the angry side of him. The side of him that lashes out and runs away. The side of him that swears he won’t come back this time. The side of him that takes over a big chunk of his personality.

Because it’s not you he’s angry at. It’s himself.

He’s never yelled at you. He’s never said mean things directly to you. You’re almost sixteen when you realize it and it starts to make sense. He runs away to keep himself from saying things he doesn’t mean and screams his thoughts into reality when he’s by himself.

He’ll always come back to you with red eyes and lay down. He’ll curse at you for being so stupid for loving someone like him and hold you until you swear, he’s never going to let go.

So when he comes back a week later, thinner and tired, you move over and let him collapse next to you.

“It’s not fair,” he whimpers.

“Life isn’t fair,” you tell him.

He spends his days next to you, kisses your face and rubs your hair over and over again. He knows you can’t promise forever - not anymore. But when you’re finally asleep after a long day, he tells you that he hopes you’ll wait for him in the next life and he’ll give you a forever you deserve.

He should’ve told you he loved you when you were still alive and breathing. He should’ve- He should’ve said it to you when you were healthy. All the chances he had and he’s simply just...kiss you and take your breath away and hope you understood the words he struggled with.

The day you pass leaves him broken.

Many people try to reach out to him but he’s too busy hiding away in his room sobbing until his entire face is red and blotchy, until his nose is runny and until he feels like his throat is bleeding from hours of screaming.

It’s not fair to him that you left him here, he thinks as he stumbles around town in a drunken stupor.

He spirals out of control more and more. He drinks until he has to be carried out of the bar, barely eats and blocks everyone out. He’ll continue like that for two months until he gets a call.

Your parents ask him to come over. They want to empty out your room finally and want him to take anything he wants.

He wants all of it.

Your spirit still lingers in the scent of your sheets. He thinks about all the mischievous nights he’s scaled the side of your house just to come and sleep next to you. He thinks about how many times he’s sat and teased you on this very bed. He thinks about all the times he’s touched you here, kissed you there and let his hands roam wherever you’d let him.

He sees your vanity and all of the jewelry. He thinks of all the times he just watched you get ready and wanted to tell you how beautiful you were but the words always got caught in his mouth when you looked at him. You took his breath away every time.

He should’ve told you that you were the most ethreal being he’s ever laid eyes on. He should’ve found a way to regain his sense and just tell you instead of brushing your hair back and kissing you senseless.

He opens a drawer next to him and sees a small jewelry box. It’s not one he’s seen before and he wonders if it’s always been here. He sits up right and pulls it into his lap, carefully opening it as a lullaby starts to sing.

A music box, he thinks as he comes across a stack of envelopes inside. His eyebrows scrunch together, cocks his head to the side and turns it over in his hands.

He’s not sure if he should open them. There’s no receiver on them and he’s scared that he’ll see something he shouldn’t. But, as if he can hear you urging him, his fingers slice open the one on the very top.

He already misses you when he sees your handwriting, messy yet beautiful. He thinks of all the times he watched you taking notes, all the times he teased you for your pendmentship and yet, he wants it inked on his skin.

He scrunches his eyebrows as he sees his name written at the very top of the page.

So it is meant for him, he thinks as he begins to read.

Letter 365

Dear Lin Yanjun,

If you’ve found this box, it means that I’ve already passed on to the other side. You don’t know this, but I was actually sick for a very long time. About six months before you took me home, I was told that the illness within me would take my life faster than I could even pronounce it.

Yanjun, it would be selfish of me to ask you not to be sad. I know you. You’re angry at me, no? You’re going to look at me and scream that this isn’t some romance novel that I used to fawn over when we were in middle school and that you are no Agustus. I know that, Yanjun. But I also know that there’s a weakness that lies within you that may unravel upon hearing about my illness and I just...couldn’t take that smile from you just yet. Not when your life is going so well, not when you’re finally making amends with your family, not now.

Yanjun, I’m sorry that I left you in the manner that I did. You, of all the people I’ve come across, of all the people I’ve fallen in and out of love with, of all the drops in the ocean and stars in the sky, deserve to know, in the very least, what love is. I hoped that during my life, you learned as much.

I never intended for this to happen but you always said that things happened for a reason, don’t they? We hurt so we can feel true growth, cry so we can feel true happiness and love so hard that you swear the world will burst at its seams. And to experience that all by your side, Lin Yanjun, was the truest honor of them all.

There’s this saying that you always said to me, the one about actions speaking louder than words and I can’t help but think about all the times you wordlessly told me you loved me. I knew you loved me back, Yanjun. Don’t worry.

From you shoving me on the safer side of the sidewalk to you holding me while I cried. Everything you did for me screamed back in the love you gave me. As I’m laying here, writing this letter, I can’t help but think of how in love you are with me.

Lin Yanjun, I love you. I’m so glad to leave this world knowing you loved me too. I’m so grateful for all of the time we spent together, for all of our good times and for all of our bad times. You made me into the person I was.

Yanjun, I hope in our next life, you and I will be able to stay together long enough for me to hear you tell me that you love me. In our next life, let’s live long and healthy. In our next life, let’s not hold back the things we wish to say the most.

With that being said, in this box is 364 more letters. All of them have been written here and there over the years with things I had wished I had said to you. Some of them are good, some of them are bad but as you can see, I held back just as much as you. Please take care of them well, Yanjun.

I know the way we fell for each other wasn’t the most ideal. The way we fell left us brusied and scared but Yanjun, I wouldn’t want to have lived this life another way. I hope that you feel that way too.

I should go. There are too many tear stains on this sheet now, no?

I love you, Lin Yanjun. Never forget that. You and I are of the same star. We are destined to be with each other in our many lives to come. We will always find our way back to each other.

Yours, and forever yours,

YN.

Yanjun reads the letter over and over again, eyes brimming with tears. “I love you too,” he whispers. “I’m always going to love you.”

He leaves with just that box. It’s enough for him. It’s the only thing he needs. With your love, Yanjun plans to grow and morph into the person you wished you had lived to see him become. He will stand a little straighter and speak a bit louder and let love find him.

Because that’s what you do for the person who you call during your time of need. It’s what you do when somebody puts your needs before their own. You fall into love with those who love you and so whole heartedly did Yanjun fall for you.

So, he throws away the bottles. He opens his windows and his heart and lives the rest of his life the same way you had before you got sick. It may have taken him a long time but he finally understands the beauty of life. He finally understands how you fell in love with everyone and everything.

Yanjun learns that when you love the way you had loved, you’re bound to get hurt. But when you’re truly in love the way you had truly been, you learn that getting hurt is helps you grow.

And grow is what Yanjun will do.

the end.

Random Asks: Part III

101. From 1-10, how good of a dancer do you consider yourself?

5? I can dance well enough to call it dancing. Admittedly, my scale is a little broken. 

102. How much of a patient person are you?

Overall, I am super patient, and then eventually, I hit a day where I find I have none, where I'm am reduced to an over-tired, screaming-and-cying toddler who just needs to be held and told it's ok.

103. Do you know your IQ?

I don't and I'm not going to pull up an internet quiz to prove I'm probably relatively average in that respect.

104. Do you eat meat at all?

Yes.  

105. Do you own any clothes from a garage sale or a thrift store?

I am very good at thrifting. I enjoy finding the designer thing for 30 bucks or buying an item of clothing that's really dated but has all the potential to become something new. Thrift shops bring out my creative side. 

106. Have you ever bought anything from a flea market?

Same. Same thing as above. I enjoy the treasure hunt of it all. 

107. Have you ever quit a job?

Yes. 

108. Have you ever gotten a song you dislike stuck in your head?

Yes, I have. Some of the worst songs are earworms. 

109. Any movie(s) you can watch over and over and over again and enjoy just as much each time?

Yes, but in general they are not "happy" films. I friggin love Eternal Sunshine. 

110. Do you or have you ever worn glasses?

Not in any serious capacity. 

111. Have you ever skinny dipped?

I have and I'd do it again. 

112. Are your birth parents still together?

No. 

113. Have you ever been in the audience for the taping of a TV show?

I have not. Not that I couldn't, I live in New York City I could definitely do that on a whim.

114. Favorite type of cookie?

Chocolate chip. Gooey, none of that crunchy shit. I want it to ooze chocolate and maybe be the size of my face. Lol  Guys, I may have a sweets problem.

115. Have you ever been broken up with?

I haven't...

116. How often do you smile when getting your picture taken?

Most of the time. 

117. Have you ever accidentally dialed 911?

I have. Wah wah. 

118. Oldest memory?

I remember my dad taking me to a fair and we rode the rides, ate mostly deep fried sweets and finished the night with Styx. I do not know how old I was and it's in jumbled flashes but yeah, that's it. Coincidentally, also my first concert.

119. Have you ever been the victim of a nasty prank?

No. 

120. How often do you snort when you laugh?

Probably, more than I should. 

121. From 1-10, how good of a singer do you consider yourself?

5 again my scale is a tiny bit broken here. 

122. Favorite Disney song?

Poor Unfortunate Souls... Actually, my top five are villain songs, I did not realize that until now. Hmm...

123. Where do you see yourself 10 years from now?

I haven't a fucking clue. Hopefully as happy, if not more, than I am now.

124. What is your Myers-Briggs personality type?

I have never taken the time to take the test. You tell me. Lol

125. Have you ever had a fortune cookie fortune come true?

No, because they are vague advice more than predictions. 

126. Name one thing you wish people would stop posting on social media.

Those inspirational quote things. I feel like everyone that posts them is being passive aggressive or just dying for someone to go: you're going to be ok! It's annoying and pointless. If something is going on in your life talk to someone or don't. Don't post someone else's "wisdom" like your hard time makes you the wisest in the land. 

127. Last musical artist you saw live?

Twenty-One Pilots

128. Credit cards or cash?

Neutral

129. Favorite fandom?

Pokemon

130. What is your astrological sign?

Sagittarius, but this part of divination is a lot more complicated than that, that's just one aspect of your personality. It's a rabbit hole and I admittedly find it more interesting than it actually is.

131. Have you ever been fired from a job?

Yeah. 

132. Any hidden talents?

I've answered this before. I dunno, I can do the splits ... Not sure if that counts as hidden.

133. Can you surf?

I can. Granted with all the great white sharks being spotted off Jersey I am not sure I'm brave enough to do it this year.

134. What motivates you to do well in life?

Not being in a shit situation later in life? 

135. Your worst physical feature?

My hands? I don't know, sometimes I feel like they look old even if I pamper them. 

136. From 1-10, how much are you like your father?

7? More like him than I'm not. Which could be a bad thing. 

137. How lucky do you consider yourself?

Typically my answer is: not very, but recently I seem to have all the luck. 

138. Name a moment in your life when you were pleasantly surprised.

When Nik kissed me for the first time. I was honestly not expecting it nor did I expect the lightning bolt feeling that came with it.

139. Have you ever been summoned for jury duty?

Nope. 

140. What type of shoes do you wear the most?

A pair of Adidas. 

141. Favorite summer activity?

Swimming. I would live in the water. 

142. Favorite song to sing in the shower?

Um, whatever is in my head when I wake up? 

143. Have you ever lived with a roommate you did not get along with?

I have not. I've gotten along with all my roommates. I did have one who hated me but I didn't dislike her.

144. Have you ever lived on a farm?

No. Not my natural habitat.

145. Have you ever kept a diary or a journal? 

I still keep a journal. It's just a good way to start the day. 

146. TV show or movie you quote/reference the most?

Probably, Fired Up. I realize that should probably be embarrassing for me but, eh, it's super funny even if it's a dumb movie. 

147. How often do you get mad at yourself?

More than I should. I'm pretty forgiving and patient with everyone but myself. 

148. Have you ever gotten any stitches?

No, but I have been healed for an injury that a no maj would have stitched up. 

149. Have you ever been hunting?

No. Hard no. 

150. Favorite YouTube channel?

Madeyewlook 

It won't be 2019 for another 3 hours where I live and the passing of time and dates and when we start a new year in our calendar is all just a construct anyway, but I thought it would probably be a good idea for me to talk about where I've been and where I'm going on this blog. Putting it under a read-more because it got very long.

Warning, I'll be talking about death, depression, dropping out of school, and suicidal thoughts.

A hell of a lot has happened since last New Year's Day for me. Last January, one of my best friends was killed. It was unexpected, a shock, traumatizing for everyone who knew him. I had seen him only three days previously, happy and healthy and excited about his plans for life. I had just landed in the airport going back to school 3000 miles away when I got the call, and it absolutely shattered me. I was a wreck: depressed, having nightmares and panic attacks about other people I loved dying in ways that were just as horrible as how he died.

I tried to do well in school--I was taking a biology class, a photography class, and a novel writing class. But I was sleeping constantly. I couldn't focus. I alternated between eating too much and not eating enough. I had no good friends at school and I was 3000 miles away from my support system. I couldn't afford the time and money to go home for my friend's memorial service. I was a complete wreck, but after about the first week of being there when I couldn't stop crying and I missed my first day of classes, I looked fine from the outside. I'm a very good actor. I knew how to make the school counselors think I was doing great, how to make my parents think I was fine so they wouldn't worry as much about me.

But I couldn't handle school anymore. I had already been considering taking some time off from school to figure out a direction in life because I felt aimless (as many 18-19 year olds do, I know) and I wasn't functioning very well in a classroom environment. My friend dying brought everything to a point where I couldn't even return for spring term to finish the year. I was going to drop out.

And then sometime in early February, after CLBG? came out, I decided to watch the Sanders Sides series. I had heard about it and thought it sounded interesting. So I watched it over a span of two days. Moving On happened, and I was sobbing on the bottom bunk with a pillow against my face so I didn't wake up my roommate (I had done a lot of that over the term). Once I had finished the series, I made a post on my main blog wondering if there was a fandom and fanwork to consume because I wanted more. I eventually found my way into the community, and it was one of the best things I've ever done.

I started writing. I wrote Sunshine and Foils, and I wrote one-shots, and I got feedback like I had never gotten before. The community was more active and loving and supportive than any other fandom I'd ever been in. (Sure, we have some problems, but it's still an incredible community.) I was writing for fun for the first time since my friend had died, and I wrote to cope. I wrote Anomalies. I wrote about grief, about how a loved one dying changes everything. I made friends, amazing friends. (Hey you, you know who you are 💙.)

Term ended. I went home. I won't bore you with the details, because nothing happened. I spent 7 months sitting and sleeping and writing and being depressed and being unsure if I was ever going to want anything out of life ever again. It all seemed pointless. I wrote Stay in the Equation.

In October, just before Halloween, I got a job. I'm now a teacher, sort of. I don't have a degree, I'm not credentialed, but I work as a special education aid in a 7th/8th grade Resource Specialist classroom, helping students who need extra help, time, and accommodations in their classes. I work at the middle school I went to, seeing some of my old teachers and still calling them by their last name because calling my old amazing biology teacher Justin just seems so...wrong.

I wrote a bit more on my original novel that I hadn't worked on at all since last year, since before my friend died. I've written some songs with my sister. I came out as trans to my parents and sister and friends, and I go by my correct name at work.

My students call me Martin. They don't know me as anything else. They tell me I should become a science teacher because they love it when I go off on tangents helping them with their science homework. Sometimes I think they're right. 13 year olds have an instinct for that sort of thing. It's before society has completely wiped any originality and creative thinking out of their heads, which is why I like that age group. I still have time to help them stay who they are, to help them grow, to guide them carefully away from their "I'm better than my peers because I don't use slang words or say 'like' all the time" phase. I'm helping. I have a routine, which is good for me. I walk a mile to work every week day, which is also good for me.

And after another year and a half of teaching there and maybe taking some gen-ed classes at a community college, I think I might go back to school full time and study marine biology in Monterey, much closer to home than my previous school. Get a single subject teaching credential and teach 13-year olds that mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell. And during the summers, maybe I'll do the research and/or conservation education that I want to do. I might publish my book. I might make more music. I don't know.

But I do know that without this community to dive into headfirst, to lose myself in creating something for people other than me, I wouldn't have gotten back on my feet. I owe so much to everyone who read any of my fics, who liked and reblogged and especially those who took the time to comment or message me about it. You kept me going.

The anniversary of my friend's death is this coming Sunday. It's already hard, and I'm feeling the anniversary effect. I've had a lot of anxiety these past few weeks, and it will probably only get worse as the days pass. My hands are shaking a little bit as I type this. Part of me just wants to curl up and hide from the world forever, and I'm sure I'll be doing some of that. But I'll be okay. The time will keep passing, and I'll get further away from the rawness of the pain and the anger about how he died until it doesn't consume me when I think about him. I just want to thank you for being there with me.

I'm going to post the final chapter of Anomalies soon. It's the story I wrote to most directly cope with my friend's death apart from a few that were too personal for me to ever share. Maybe it's silly, but I feel a little bit as if posting it will bring me some kind of closure. Probably won't actually help--the pain and the anger are too real and too big for much closure to come from a story I wrote--but maybe it will. Maybe it will.

Okay, I'm going to go do that now. I hope you all have a lovely New Year. Please stay safe. May 2019 bring you a better part of your life than 2018 brought you. I sure hope it will for me.

Much love. 💙 ~Martin

Sunshine

A Ginny & Lily Mini-fic

She's a midsummer baby. When they place her in Ginny's arms, the first pale rays of the longest day of the year are just starting to filter through the pale hospital curtains. It's hardly morning yet, but the birds are awake, and the sun lights up the edge of a scrunched-up cheek and the the fine red-gold down of hair. And Ginny swears then and there that her baby girl will never doubt, not for a moment, that the world is hers and she can be anything she wants to be in it.

When she is three, they dance in sunbeams in the kitchen together, while dreadful old Celestina Warbeck tracks play on the radio. Ginny picks her up and swings her around, and Lily's chubby arms meet around her neck, and she wishes that this time and this age could last forever.

It doesn't, and by the time Lily turns twelve, something seems to have broken. 

Maybe it's the sorting into Slytherin, which Ginny -- to her own dismay -- finds that she minds far more than she expected to. Maybe it's Ginny's promotion to Sports Editor, which keeps her so many hours at the office. Maybe it's just that age, as Hermione says, except that it's alright for Hermione, because Hugo remains cheerful and easygoing and polite. 

Lily, though, is all prickles and arguments and non-co-operation. The holiday to Italy that year -- something Lily's nagged for for months -- is a disaster. Everyone boils in the August sun, and Lily makes herself so unpleasant that Al is only half joking when he suggests they just leave her there and go home without her. (Ginny, slathered in sun cream but burning anyway, and sweating in places she'd rather not think about, is almost tempted.)

At eighteen, Lily boards a bus heading for the continent and disappears into the sunset without a backward glance. It's been years since those summer days in the kitchen, years since their daughter even really talked to them, let alone laughed or danced with them, but the house feels empty and quiet, and Ginny finds herself in uncharacteristic tears when Celestina Warbeck comes on the radio. 

"She's coming back," Harry reminds her, though he sounds almost more as if he's convincing himself.

And of course, she must be, but the trouble is that she hasn't said exactly when. There's a Floo call from Tblisi. A postcard from Rabat. Luna writes from Nepal and says how lovely it was to see Lily last month. Ginny mostly stops watching the fireplace, but she still lies awake in the early hours, wondering what kind of bed her little girl will be lying in that night. 

Midsummer passes, and Lily's nineteenth birthday with it. None of them forget, but they have no address to send anything. A card arrives -- the first one for several months -- two days after Harry's birthday, and it's postmarked Oslo, but says nothing about what she's doing or where she's going next.

Ginny doesn't feel like celebrating her own birthday. Nothing has come from Lily, and she knows the boys will turn up for dinner and Harry will cook something nice, but it all feels a bit pointless. She stays at home to work on her editorial piece, but she can't focus. The sun streams in through the window and reminds her of Lily, and when she puts the radio on, what plays is the inevitable "You Charmed the Heart Right Out of Me". Her fingers hover on the dial to change the station.

But there's another voice singing along with Celestina, drifting in through the open window. A voice that James once compared to a baby mandrake, and for a moment, Ginny thinks she's dreaming. Then she's up and out of her chair and pulling open the front door to a thin, freckled, sunburnt face, which breaks off singing along, lips twisting into a familiar half-smile. 

"You know," Lily says, "I was sitting in a bar in Sydney, and that song came on, and it was like I was a kid again, dancing round the table with a wooden spoon for a mic. And it was weird -- but I kind of missed that." She tilts her head, and the August sun gleams on short, burnished hair. "Happy birthday, Mum."

all questions you can't let any be sad and unanswered

Okay anon here we go! 

1.Who was the last person you held hands with? I honestly have no idea. I’m not a very hand-holdy person. Best guess would be @thegoinbetweens whilst being annoying/weird, haha. 2. Are you outgoing or shy? I’d err more on outgoing, at least in small groups of people. But out going in a more being-generally-friendly sense, more than grand gestures of extroversion, haha. 3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? I’m really looking forward to seeing my family at the end of the month. :34. Are you easy to get along with? I’d like to think so, if you mean just casually getting along. I can be hard to genuinely get to know. 5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? Not sure I really *like* anyone right now. But, I’m sure my rather small number of previous interests would, given they’ve all been decent human beings, and taking care of an intoxicated friend is kinda just basic human decency. 6. What kind of people are you attracted to? *See question 38 I suppose.*7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? Highly unlikely. But I’m open to being proven otherwise. ;) ;) ;) (lolwat)8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? Not really anyone right now. Romantically, anyway. 9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Depends on who I’m talking about it with to be honest. 10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Nicci. 11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? “We should go through that 36 Questions list thing that you sent me ages ago. So I’m kicking it off with #1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?”12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? My friend made me a playlist last spring/summer, so 5 (and more) songs from that. But I’d like to keep that playlist for me because it is special and ~yay good friendship~ :313. Do you like it when people play with your hair? Yeeeeesssss~~~ I don’t really like a lot of touching but massages and hair playing o m g sign me up. 14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? In a way, yes. 15. What good thing happened this summer? Philly trip in May was a great time. 16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Haven’t kissed anyone, so I got nothin’ for ya. 17. Do you think there is life on other planets? Probably. 18. Do you still talk to your first crush? Nope. 19. Do you like bubble baths? Only on the Most Extreme Rare™ occasion.  20. Do you like your neighbors? Back in my hometown, yes. 21. What are you bad habits? Tapping/touching/holding/moving/playing with literally all objects in front of my without really thinking about it.  22. Where would you like to travel? I’d love to go to Australia or New Zealand! 23. Do you have trust issues? Yeah, tbh. 24. Favorite part of your daily routine? Taking off my bra at night and putting on PJs, like w o w ultimate stress relief man. 25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? My upper arms. 26. What do you do when you wake up? Internally crying at the sound of my alarm. What is this godawful time? Why are the birds so happy? Why is there light; harsh, cruel, agonizing light? Why must I toil away through the void of monotonous daily existence when instead I could be cozy and warm? 27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? It’s fine where it is? 28. Who are you most comfortable around? Again, Nicci. Also probably my sister. 29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? Never had an ex so.30. Do you ever want to get married? I’d like to, yes. 31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? Yup. 32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? None. Sorry. I’m boring. 33. Spell your name with your chin. al,dex 34. Do you play sports? What sports? What are sporps? 35. Would you rather live without TV or music? Hrm. Though I’m more invested in TV than I am in music, probably TV. 36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? Ahahahahhahaha it me. 37. What do you say during awkward silences? Usually something that just makes it more awkward. 38. Describe your dream girl/guy? Artistically/musically/etc talented. Quiet and contemplative but also just kind of a friendly doof. Like looks kinda broody on first impression, is actually just a cinnamon roll nerd. Also a little impulsive, to be honest. Has a handful of unique interests that he’d get stupidly passionate when talking about them, even if no-one else really cares, and because of this would give anyone else endless hours to talk about their own silly passions. Enjoys walking through quiet areas at night, talking. Good taste in music because I have useless music taste and would want to mooch off of his, haha. Moves hands a lot while talking. Direct and honest in his interests/intentions. I dunno if this is an actual ‘dream-guy’ so much as it is a list of qualities I find myself more drawn to, haha. 39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? Does it sell tea? If so, keep me away from it or I will spend all of my money. 40. What do you want to do after high school? Well. Here I am. In the world of after high school. It’s okay. I’m doing some stuff. College is a good time. 41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? /Everyone/? No. Many? Yes. 42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? I’m thinking about things. Could range from running through potential questions to worrying about pointless future outcomes and irrational fears to contemplating the plot of a book to considering my present emotional state. I wouldn’t say there is one direct meaning to my silence. 43. Do you smile at strangers? Not usually. but sometimes I make awkward eye contact and don’t know what to do so I look around awkwardly and then look back at them and uncomfortably smile and it’s a mess. 44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? Ocean. Got some cool fish down there man. 45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? Sheer willpower and the realization that I have responsibilities and need to be a functioning human. 46. What are you paranoid about? Literally everything. My favorite irrational fear to dwell on is a giant piece of something very heavy falling out of the sky and crushing me without warning. So that’s fun. 47. Have you ever been high? Nope, don’t really want to. 48. Have you ever been drunk? Tipsy, yeah. Properly drunk, I don’t think so. 49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? Well I made a birthday gift for a friend so let’s keep that a surprise until it is time to give it to her.50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? I’m wearing one now!!! It is green~~~~~51. Ever wished you were someone else? Yeah, and also no? Like I value the perspective I have on life and wouldn’t necessarily want to give that up to forever be someone else who sees the world completely differently. But it would also be really cool just to live a day through someone else’s experience and perceptions and way of being. 52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? I’d be nice to be less focused on negative things sometimes. ^^53. Favourite makeup brand? Not sure I really have one tbh. Don’t use it often enough. Mom got me some bareminerals stuff though and that’s p nice I guess. 54. Favourite store? Anything with tea. 55. Favourite blog? Not sure I have a favorite right now to be honest. 56. Favourite colour? Purple! 57. Favourite food? Apple pie. oDo58. Last thing you ate? A brownie~59. First thing you ate this morning? A sandwich for lunch because what is time for breakfast?60. Ever won a competition? For what? I got first place in my school’s intense science fair thing (even though all my worms died?!!??) which was annoying because I was a senior already and had no interest in continuing this project at further competitions. >.>61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? Nope. 62. Been arrested? For what? Nope. 63. Ever been in love? Definitely friendship love! 64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? I have no tale to tell. 65. Are you hungry right now? Nah. 66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? A lot of my tumblr friends are my real friends so it’s pretty equal man. 67. Facebook or Twitter? Facebook?68. Twitter or Tumblr? Tumblr.69. Are you watching tv right now? Nope. 70. Names of your bestfriends? Nicci, Annie, Morgan, Ariel, Ashleigh, Caitlin, Kylie, Ryan, Laura, Kristen, Marisa, Rebecca71. Craving something? What? Meaning in life lolololol.72. What colour are your towels? Blue! 72. How many pillows do you sleep with? SO MANY. 73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? Nope, but so many pillows. 74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? At home? Like so many. Here at school? Like 5. 75. Favourite animal? Bats, leopards, newts~76. What colour is your underwear? Grey, presently. 77. Chocolate or Vanilla? Vanilla, but with caramel~78. Favourite ice cream flavour? Cookies and cream is a steady fave. 79. What colour shirt are you wearing? Green~80. What colour pants? Navy PJ pants with snow-flakes on them! 81. Favourite tv show? Avatar: The Last Airbender82. Favourite movie? Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? Mean Girls. 84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? Mean Girls. 85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? Janice was cool.86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? Dory?87. First person you talked to today? My roommate. 88. Last person you talked to today? It’ll probably end up being my roommate too haha. 89. Name a person you hate? My freaking behind the wheel driving instructor  from 5ever ago ugh. 90. Name a person you love? My sister~91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? That I’d actually have the ability to do? No?92. In a fight with someone? No?93. How many sweatpants do you have? I dunno like three?94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? SO MANY. TOO MANY. CANNOT COUNT. It is ideal. 95. Last movie you watched? A documentary called Who Took Johnny.96. Favourite actress? Tatiana Maslany is p cool. 97. Favourite actor? I’m not sure right now? Used to be Tom Hiddleston so I guess him still but I haven’t considered it recently. 98. Do you tan a lot? Nope I burn like a flammable object. 99. Have any pets? 1 doggo! Also some farm cats because I think they count~100. How are you feeling? Alright. Enjoying these questions! A little sad, a little worried, but that’s p standard. 101. Do you type fast? Yes? 102. Do you regret anything from your past? Yuuuuuuup. 103. Can you spell well? Vocally, no, I’m crap. Visually (typing/paper) I’m not terrible, but I wouldn’t say I’m super duper. 104. Do you miss anyone from your past? I miss the way my mom’s side of the family used to be. Lots of drama has happened and it’s ruined a lot of relationships. 105. Ever been to a bonfire party? Yeeeees! They are fun. 106. Ever broken someone’s heart? I’d be shocked if I had. 107. Have you ever been on a horse? Yep! 108. What should you be doing? Homework and readings probably haha. 109. Is something irritating you right now? The current state of the world lulz.110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? Ye. 111. Do you have trust issues? Did we already ask this? But, ye, I think I do. 112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? Hrrrrmmmmmm. Either Nicci via phone or Fort Bees, not sure of order of events. 113. What was your childhood nickname? Scooter. 114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? Yes~115. Do you play the Wii? No. 116. Are you listening to music right now? Not at the moment. 117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? Yeeess~~118. Do you like Chinese food? Yep! 119. Favourite book? I’m really a fan of Cloud Atlas right now. 120. Are you afraid of the dark? Definitely not. The dark is superior. 121. Are you mean? I try not to be, but I can be. 122. Is cheating ever okay? Short answer: No. 123. Can you keep white shoes clean? Probably not. XD124. Do you believe in love at first sight? No. 125. Do you believe in true love? Yes!126. Are you currently bored? I feel more neutral at the moment than I do actively bored. Plus I like answering questions haha. 127. What makes you happy? Tea. Watching the stars on a clear night. Long genuine conversations. Traveling and seeing places in the world. Pushing Daisies hehe. 128. Would you change your name? I’ve considered changing my full first name  (Alexandra) to just Alex. So. Yes I would, but I don’t know if I actual will. 129. What your zodiac sign? Aquarius. 130. Do you like subway? It’s fine.  131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? That position is currently held by Ryan, who is currently in a v committed relationship, so I’d have some strong concerns. 132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? Nicci. 133. Favourite lyrics right now? I dunno man that’s so much work. 134. Can you count to one million? CAN I? It is possible. Will I or do I want to? No. 135. Dumbest lie you ever told? Ugh so I got overwhelmed once and made everyone I went to middle school with think I was allergic to peanut butter because I was afraid that I might be because my brother is allergic to it but I’d never been tested or had a severe reaction to it but I didn’t want peanuts on my chocolate cake so I asserted that I was very allergic and this lie has followed me to this day and I don’t know what to do because it’s very dumb and I was a useless middle schooler. 136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? Closed. What kind of heathen sleeps with them open!?137. How tall are you? 5′1.5138. Curly or Straight hair? Straight. 139. Brunette or Blonde? Brunette.140. Summer or Winter? Already answered141. Night or Day? already answered142. Favourite month? already answered143. Are you a vegetarian? No. 144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? ALL CHOCOLATE~145. Tea or Coffee? Tea~~~~~146. Was today a good day? It was alright. Pretty standard. WizMug was fun~147. Mars or Snickers? Mars. 148. What’s your favourite quote? My roommate once got flustered with people giving her compliments and was trying to saw ‘Aw you guys are buttering me up!’ but ended up saying ‘You guys are greasing me up like a butter ball!’ and I think that’s hilarious. 149. Do you believe in ghosts? I’m open minded, but not convinced. 150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line It’s dark, roommate is sleeping, so alas I cannot do this right now. 

Wow that took a while!  

#interesting ponders 

how to be happy

now that we are here. now that we are forced to live in the now. no other choice but to live in the moment. it's only the great things i can keep on my mind. only the details that give me life. morning sunshine and son smiles. the first breath of air on a fresh summer morning. the cloud forming artwork above your head. endless entertainment for the anxious mind and heavy heart. the trees blowing in the wind. the soft rustle they speak. calmly singing the song of nature and mother earth. reminding you that life is existence and you are nothing more than living. so alive. among the plants and the animals and all the other people. daytime stretches and minds wander but they have to stay framed. locked in the box of positivity and gratitude. always flipping the switch back to happy and calm and loving. don't tell yourself it's pointless. don't say there is no good. you're good. today is good. this afternoon is good. the little things that make it good are always there. the constant melody pulsing through your brain to help bring you back. let loose. arms flow hands waive head bobs to the beat of life. to the joy of being alive. to the happiness that is life. for everything we have and everything we get to share together. for the longing that one day we will have it all. for knowing regardless i'll get to grow old with you. to watch your face and hands and body age and me age alongside you. the happiness knowing that joy IS an option. that these things in life are only enjoyed when you stop to be grateful. the pleasure comes from within. when you muster up the love and compassion for something even when you didn't see it before. when you see how logically we are all just the fabric of being itself. and that each one of us along with every plant animal and creature is only just breathing. that their life can bend and break and end just the same as anything else. knowing each living thing has a soul that is innocent and pure and only wants to feel love. my happiness comes from within. from observing the details and noticing the artwork and being grateful for the fabric of life. today, now, in this moment; happiness is mustered up from the depths of my soul knowing we are all just the same being. all alive. all seeking the same thing.