The more I think about High Guardian Spice, the more perplexed I become

Jango part 2

The center of every tragedy is the image of a human being who has already died but keeps talking 

-Michael Kinnucan

anne carson grief lessons/tumblr:romance your demons/tumblr:louisegluckpdf anne carson/tumblr:meerweinchen1993/tumblr:smallfrogpleasedtomeetyou/ tumblr:borderlineangel222/ Michael Kinnucan /moby dick/tumblr:allright/annecarson antigonnick/breaking bad/ antigone jean anouilh trans.lewis galantiere

Fox

Cody

Boba

Kix

Obi Wan

Anakin (1 2 3 4 5)

Jango (1 2 3 4 5 6)

Clones

Is Jango a father to the clones

some more on Jango

so like survivors guilt is a pretty key part of my view of jango. i think that in surviving, first his parents and sister (as far as he knew), then Jaster, then the rest of the Haat’Mandoade, and this all happening in really short sucession followed by a majorly traumatic few years when he’s in slavery, would mean that he doesnt really get a chance to process any of his grief. he’s getting all those normal irrational thoughts all of us get when we lose someone (could i have saved them, what could i have done differently, what if i’d gone in their place) but just isnt given any space to work through them, which i think would result in him clinging on to some of them and them kind of getting magnified, and almost mutating in to something even more harmful that he carries for all of those years.

so the thing about this survivors guilt is i like to think that he has this idea that by surviving, he has stolen the life from them. had he died on the farm, maybe his sister would have survived. had he gone in jasters place, maybe jaster would have survived, and he’s convinced, convinced, that this survival is wasted on him. he isnt a good person. had one of them survived, they would have done great things. but all he’s good for is getting people around him killed. i think by the time he gets off the spice ship, he is beginning to see his constant ability to survive against the odds, as something of a curse. he’s cursed to watch everyone around him die, every time.

he considers himself to be half dead and because he believes this, he doesnt consider himself to have the kind of life that he might control. he doesnt get wants, he doesnt get to choose how things go, its just about seeking this vengance for those that did die, as way of apology for having survived them. her has so much choice, and we see him make the worst ones time and time again, but i dont believe he really considered himself to have any say in any of it. he should have died all those years ago, but he didnt so now he’s just waiting for the inevitable, he’s waiting for fate to finally catch up to him, once it’s done torturing him by killing everyone else first.

he doesnt think he has a choice, so theres no real accountability there for what he does. he doesnt think this is a mission he’s chosen, rather, its the only way he can do right by the dead and so, he is ruthless in his execution. all the love he had for them is fed in to this violence as he sees ‘their deed’ done. but obviously. they are gone. whatever he might think, it is jango calling the shots. nobody asked him to do any of this, he just decided.

i think that Boba comes from a moment of weakness, and from there, a spiral of many more. he doesnt think that he gets to want things. but he asks for Boba and once he has him he cant let go. i think that the idea of loving someone scares him, Boba is only another person he can potentially lose. he’d sworn to never love again and yet, here he is with Boba and now he has him, he can’t possibly give him up.

i think that in a way, jango always knew that he was going to die. he was mixed up in the kind of thing that no person survives. he was a loose end and he was far too intelligent not to realise that.i dont think that he saw any alternative to him dying and i dont think he necessarily grieved the fact that he was leaving Boba alone. i think for Jango, he didnt think he was particularily good for Boba, he just wasnt strong enough to let him go. people that jango loves die, so i think that he would consider dying first, to be the only way he could save Boba. i think that he would consider his own death being the only way he could set Boba free, as to walk away from a love he considered selfish, would take a strength that he didnt believe himself to have.

i think that by the time he dies, this whole world view he’s build up is crumbling around him. because his love for Boba, serves as a conflict when it comes to the belief that he is a dead man walking, a ghost. after being recruited as the template, he builds himself a maze of rational as for how he is doing the right thing, the only thing, how he has no choice, but i think that as the years go on its getting harder and harder to maintain that. it cant last forever and trying to keep it all standing, trying to maintain that suspense of belief, is tiring. he knows it cant last and so in a way, he welcomes death. its been a long time coming.

im bored so im going to write up my rankings of the class stories, with my reasoning. please keep in mind this is just my opinion and no hard feelings if you disagree. going from my worst to best

8. bounty hunter

i simply did not vibe with it. to be fair, im not a fan of bounty hunter stories unless theres a twist, and im definitelyy not a fan of mandalorians (generally speaking), so it was pretty much set up to fail from the beginning. i did like most of the companions (skadge do not interact) though

what i disliked the most about it was the choices, though. i was trying to play a mostly light side hunter, and while i know that imp side characters are still going to make fucked up choices, i just really did not vibe with a lot of the options given

like, the one i hated the most, was having to kill that jedi at the end of chapter 1. like. it did not make any sense to me why the mandalorians wanted him dead. they were mad that he killed a bunch of mandalorians during the sacking. which was in warfare (and a dishonourable strike, on the mandos part). i didnt like that my choice was basically ‘kill him while laughing maniacally’ or ‘kill him but say its nothing personal’. i also disliked that even though i spared his padawan, it still made me kill her later. i dont know what they were going for with it

im hoping ill enjoy it more on a replay because im playing my character as dark sided and stupid bc its literally the only way i can make some of the choices make sense in my head

also while i liked most of the companions i hated how torian’s backstory was handled. i didnt mind makos though. i thought it was hilarious that we didnt find out why she had clones (unless i missed something ????)

7. republic trooper

it was fine. i didnt dislike it. im just not a fan of typical war stuff (yes i know the franchise is called star wars. you know what i mean). there was nothing specific that i didnt like, it just wasnt to my tastes

that being said, i did like that one mission that was a ladies night out, and i liked that it gave me a choice that actually took me 5 solid minutes to work out what i wanted to do. ik a lot of people dont like evil choices like that, but i do

i liked both of the romance options, and some of the other companions, but some of them were just kind of bland to me, personally. there was nothing bad about them, they just weren’t as interesting to me

6. jedi knight

i was extremely disappointed by this one. it wasn’t awful, i just had higher expectations, and i dislike how some people try to sell it as ‘kotor 3′ when it. isn’t. at all. i also don’t like that it’s considered the ‘canon’ storyline when it’s so average compared to some of the others

it’s not bad or anything. it’s just a typical jedi knight story. it’s exactly what it says on the tin. which is fine. but it’s not very interesting, i prefer stories with more twists

i do love kira though, so that gives it a lot. i also like the personality of the jedi knight, i like how they’re so full of themself, i think its very funny

i do think that there was a lot of wasted potential though, which is a shame

5. sith warrior

okay now we hit the ones that i actively like

my first impression with the warrior’s story was very bad because i tried to play it pure dark side and then panicked because i didnt want to shock vette lmao. i restarted with a light side warrior and had a very very fun time, the story was very unique to me, and i really like the ways you can characterise a light sided sith

im not a big fan of how a lot of the dark side options appeal to... a certain audience. if you know you know. but outside of that i enjoyed this story a lot, i didnt know what to expect going in but it was very good

i dont like quinn much though lmao dont kill me

4. smuggler

it was fun! i don’t really know how to expand much more than that. it was really fun to play. the smuggler is fun. risha is the love of my life. i simply had a very good time playing this one

personal fan of how inherently funny an outlander smugller is conceptually, also

3. consular

i feel like i’m betraying myself putting the consular at only 3 because it was the first story i played, it got me hooked onto the game and i really really really enjoyed it. but alas i must be honest

anyway. i enjoy the consular’s story i lot. i love the choices, i love the story, i love the puzzles. i love nadia and yuon and syo. the story was really interesting, engaging and emotional to me, i don’t know what to say. it just really hit me, so it blows my mind when i see that isn’t a common response to it. i also really loved the sages playstyle back when the classes were connected to the stories

also f!consular’s voice acting is soooo good, as a voice actor i’m impressed by like. the subtlety of it? the way she emotes but it’s so lowkey is hard to do but she does it really well. i vibe with it a lot

2. inquisitor

i feel like such a traitor putting this above the consular

but the inquisitor was just so fun. i know that it’s a story where a lot of the plot could be avoided if the character was less of an idiot, but unlike the bounty hunter’s, that really worked for me here. i thought it made a lot of sense for the inquisitor to make the mistakes they made, and i found them constantly just tumbling into the next problem really fucking funny

also how disconnected it is from the war is really funny to me. quizzi’s just out there trying to not get killed while a war goes on in the background

ashara is literally one of my fave star wars characters, i loooove her takes on jedi and sith philosophy so much, she’s so interesting to me

1. imperial agent

i mean. it’s a given, isn’t it?

i played it last and i’m glad i did. i like how everything came together. the story was very engaging, and it gave me multiple villains (zhorrid, hunter) who made me Feel Things and i’ve spent a lot of time thinking about afterwards

the agent is also, in my opinion, the smartest of all of the class story protags. and while i found the inquisitors mistakes very funny, something i enjoyed a lot about the agent’s story was the agent’s choices were consistently smart, often the things that i’d thought ‘oh she should do [x]’, and the plot progressed anyway. it felt like being outplayed, instead of having a limited protag, and i dont mind limited protags but idk it just made the whole thing really fun and imo fit really well with an agent

i loved kaliyo, also. her refusing to hook up with an f!outlander because ‘sorry i actually like you and i dont want to traumatise you’ is so fucked up but so funny

...and now i want to continue my swtor replay gdi

TEXTS: Kian & Jaesang

Date → Sunday July 10, 2021 ( 1 AM )

Mentioned  →  Jae’s crush, Kang Nova, Seong Sunwoo, Brandon Kelly

Synopsis  → After a big question, the boys have late night heart-to-heart sesh between best friends.

Feat. → @yijaesang

Kian — 12:49 AM

hyung?

can I ask you a question?

you don't have to answer if it makes you sad

Jae — 12:57 AM

you can ask me anything u know that

Kian

are you sure? 👀

Jae

(unsent) I'm already sad what's the difference

duh now hit me with it

Kian

What does it feel like?

to be n love...and stuff...

momo said you were in love...

Jae

I'm in the worst kind of love

and I still wouldn't trade it

love isn't what they always told us

we're kind of led to believe we're supposed to feel like we can't live without that person

but the truth is, we can feel like we can live without them if we have to but that it's not like it would kill us, it would just...our life would feel half

think about it like this

we're surviving without woo and we're existing still sure but, there's a piece that isn't connected into place, isn't there? That's a real love

I'm probably not the best to ask since I'm in love with someone who doesn't even want to speak to me or know me. But I guess I still know a bit from how I feel

Why?

Kian

I really like someone...

but I'm afraid to call it love...since I've never felt it before

Jae

yes you have and you'd know it when you felt it, trust me

compare it in part to how you feel about woo and me. The three of us are all each other's person before anyone else

but since it's the first time you really have to look at it

it's easy to think it's something it's not or that it's deeper than it'll end up being

and you have to ask why you're afraid to say it

Kian

because I don't want to be wrong...

I wasn't wrong about you guys.

Jae

and you KNEW you weren't wrong about us right?

Kian

well you used to talk about me a lot...

but susu kept me around.

and i wanted to be your friend

Jae

I was a foreign kid trying to survive around people who didn't speak my language, i disliked anyone who spoke English

I disliked anyone regardless let's be real

but you still knew didn't you

Kian

I hoped you give me a chance.

So all those other kids would stop picking on me...

So maybe yes.

Jae

damn you just wanted my mean mug to be used to your advantage 😂

there's no way to really be sure sometimes but I think you feeling afraid that you might be wrong is something to heavily take into consideration

if you felt it truly, you wouldn't think you're wrong

Kian

WELL AT THE TIME YA. I WON'T LIE. PEOPLE DIDN'T MESS WITH YOU.

oh...okay...i see....

well what if I think it's everything I wanted!

And i'm just paranoid over nothing.

Jae

that could very well be the case

but

momo said I'M in love

Kian

yeah...

she asked about you cos she’s been worried

Jae

no I mean

if momo hasnt said you are, are you

Kian

wh...

Oohhh....

Jae

has momo asked who you're in love with?

Kian

😥 no...

she hasn’t said anything about who I’ve been going out with

i just figured she's busy

Jae

that woman knows things that happen in her SLEEP, she's never too busy

so I'm guessing you're talking about Brandon?

Kian

is it all the gossip that made you guess?

Jae

nova told me she saw you two even before GG

if anything, there's clues on GG that point to some reasons that maybe you do really need to make sure

you know I dont put much stock in GG but also going off my own experience with Brandon...

you really gotta be sure because as someone who knows you, I don't see it. I know the kind of person you are and I know how he is

Kian

he’s...

he’s not what everyone thinks.

but I know...I know what he did wasn’t cool.

Jae

if people think of you as something, you have had the capability to be that person that's the thing. People will say I'm a mean cold asshole and you'd punch them but you know i can be

I feel like you don't know the half of stuff he's done to be honest but it's not my place to tell you after you've started feeling this way because it'll look bad on me

Kian

I still appreciate the honesty...I understand.

He makes me laugh a lot...and happy!

He calls me beautiful. And intelligent. I feel like it after he says it sometimes.

And we talk about going on adventures! All around the world...he said he wants to see all his favorite places with me...so we can make new memories together.

it feels like a dream whenever he speaks to me…

Jae

let me ask you something

has he ever asked where YOU want to go or is it just HIS favorite places?

has he mentioned any of your stuff from la playa or pride? have you mentioned his?

you don't find it a bit funny that you start hanging out with him and someone starts shading taking care of someone better than their so called best friends?

you are all those things, kian. you're all those words of validation but what actions has he done?

does Momo have a brandon special?

talk is talk, but it's the actions you need to fall for. or you'll just be left with words

Kian

we had a picnic... he cooked for us and it was kind of awful, but it was the thought!

we had a sleepover one day. That was nice...

he hasn’t talked about la Playa or pride... I haven’t brought it up much either.

I’m listening to you I promise.

It’s just...making me think is all.

Jae

did you congratulate him for either of his "sets*?

Kian

no…

Jae

positive about that?

Kian

😰

Maybe…

Jae

did you forget or are you trying to lie

Kian

...

Yes👀

Jae

yes you did say stuff?

Kian

yes I did say things!

Jae

and did he say anything to you?

did you know it wasn't me who had ft brandon kelly on all the advertisement

and it wasn't me who made him take a photo backstage and never uploaded it

I had to agree to the whole thing just so he'd stop tagging me in cat things and sending his weird ass "fans" after me with edits after i kept telling him I hate it and that it pisses me off

you mentioned his "victories" and he couldn't say a word about yours? nothing at all?

we are on the RADIO kian

we shocked the entire COMMUNITY and nothing from the guy whos trying to woo you or whatever? that's a huge red flag kian. I bet he talked all about minjoons though didn't he?

Kian

he hasn’t...or Didnt.

Jae

i bet you total strangers have

Kian

talked about minjoon’s?

Jae

said something to you about yours

Kian

Oh! Well!

Does my follower influx count?

Jae

I guess. And I'm sure people around SM have mentioned it

that's not even a friend, kian. thats someone who just wants your attention on them

Kian

Maybe...maybe I’m just someone who’s giving him a chance. And it’s okay if that’s what it is.

I understand why you would think that. I do. I promise.

And I’m not mad at you, don’t worry. I’m glad that you’re so honest with me. I always want you to be.

[unsent] even if I disagree

Jae

it's not okay if your potential first time loving someone is wasted on you though

at least one person in my life isn't, what a relief

I just want you to be happy and I just want to be around to be there for you and make sure you don't get blinded by flashy offers and pretty words because you deserve more than anyone in the world ya kno?

take it from me...you don't want to be where I am right now

Kian

I’m sorry, Jaesang...

I mean that you are where you are now.

At least going to Seoul was still fun right?!

And flying in a private plane!

Jae

if it weren't for the good memories with you, I think a huge part of me would wish we hadn't gone

ended up costing me another person close to me but that's nothing new lately is it?

but you and I had fun and that matters more

Kian

Lets go out!

I hate you talking like this.

Jae

on the holy night of Sunday??? What would momo say 😱😱😱🤯 

I'm down to go out though

we can do whatever you want

Kian

SHE’LL UNDERSTAND

we’re gonna go food truck hoppin 😤

Jae

I'm starving so that's perfect

want me to come pick you up or are we taking the scooter?

Kian

SCOOTER

ILL BRING YOUR HELMET

Jae

careful you'll make my heart flutter

Kian

I can drop u off at the hospital if u need that

Jae

I hope you drop your taco

Kian

I CAN JUST FLING YOU

Jae

and what do you do when I die

Kian

take ur Jean jackets 😗

Jae

would you miss me when you wear them?

Kian

do cars have tires Jaesang

Hewwo when you have the time can I pwease get a matchup uwu

He/him-entp

Personality: I'm loud and outgoing, its easy for me to make friends with people and I love meeting new people. I've been told I'm good at forging bonds and bringing people together. People call me brave, I think I'm really just stupid reckless and careless which IS true but hey I'm not complainin if ppl wanna call that brave. I'm willing to put myself in danger to help others too, this uh. Isnt smart, I'm not smart. But if the people I care for are safe and happy then I dont mind what happens to me B) I'm also great with animals, I dont like taking things too seriously and often make (bad) jokes in tense situations. That being said I know when to stop if it's a genuinely serious situation.

That being said my worst traits are that I'm arrogant, sadistic, stubborn, lowkey hotheaded, untrusting to a debilitating degree, I can come across as genuinely scary unfortunately:( and I'm clumsy

My interests and hobbies are: true crime, the occult, drawing I guess, taking care of animals and helping lost pets find their homes, taking naps, dream interpretation, causing misery for my shitty father, binging horror stuff and crying over video games

What I look for in a partner is kindness, someone I can relate to? I dunno as long as they arent genuinely mean.

What I have to offer is uh. Ok be patient with me! I dont know relationships very well so if this is worded weird sorry.

Anyway I just want to be there for someone, i want to be able to protect someone and make them smile, nothing ever makes my day more than seeing someones face light up ! If anyone hurts them I'm gonna hurt that person twice as bad, and if they dont want me to I'll just be with them and do everything in my power to make sure they're ok. I want them to feel safe with me and know that I love them for THEM and not some facade or anything too. If they wanna go somewhere I wanna take them there! I want to listen to them talk about their favourite thing for hours on end, I would do anything and everything in my power for that person. Ok that's a lie if they wanted me to hurt an animal I wouldnt do that but I'd take on like. A spider for them.

Anyway thanks for your time sorry if this was too much, if you ever need anything else I'll call myself -💥 anon so just give me a yell and I'll do my best to help

Hi anon! ✨

I’ll put a read more because this is gonna be long! 

Okay so as I read your request I was hesitating between Mammon and Diavolo but I decided to choose Diavolo because regarding some aspects it would be a real missed opportunity/wasted potential to pick Mammon over him! 

Ok so you start with your talent of forging bonds and if you ever played this game then you know that Diavolo is all about exactly that - meaning you will be a real asset to him which is the base of a strong relationship! (dw i’ll elaborate on why he is also an asset to you in the following paragraphs you are not about to be left hanging) 

The fact that you are so friendly instantly catches his attention. I’m talking the moment he sees you kind of infatuation here. idk he just. senses it from a mile away that you are quality

I imagine your reckless tendencies get you into some serious situations which might also be dangerous. But worry no more, my friend! Diavolo would be the kind of partner who joins you in your fun and he might out-do you in such occassions but just keep this in mind: he is a powerful and strong demon so if anyone can get you out of trouble / keep you safe on a not-totally-thought-over adventure, it’s gotta be him. No other candidate in the game could compare and give you this balance. 

Also he is very keen on sponaneity (as much as his schedule can allow him) so you got that going for you too! 

Okay so since you want to keep him safe too, this relationship is just two ppl who protecc except you can also attacc 

come to think of that, I’m not sure if he would really encourage that and the “if someone hurts them i hurt them twice as much” behaviour as he is just a prince who wants peace with everyone. but growing together is fun! 

I can totally see you two joking around all the time, lowkey driving Barbatos close to insanity in the castle, but! that means you also have a friendship with Diavolo! so he is not just your lover or partner but also your best friend who you can joke around with or be with through serious situations. this relationship isn’t just about being in a relationship but actually making the most of what a healthy relationship can offer

Now i think Diavolo can handle your sarcastic and arrogant side of you pretty well. looking at his bond with Lucifer I’m pretty sure he would have no issues with it

Being stubborn isn’t always bad - as long as he knows your intentions mean well there’s nothing wrong. Clumsy shouldn’t be a turn off either as long as you don’t mind him laughing it off

I think he is also rather selective about trusting others - he might complain about being lonely but deep down he knows he can’t just trust anyone. 

Don’t worry, you definitely never come accross as scary to him. Even if you try hard. 

OK so if i didn’t only dream it then he keeps rescued animals (cats) in the castle so this is something you two could bond over and this would also help in building trust! 

Something else to bond over is your shitty fathers. I’m almost sure Diavolo’s insecurities stem from that and that’s why he and Lucifer are such close friends. You are part of that club now! 

He is one of the candidates who does his best to indulge in his s/o’s hobbies, though as I said his time is rather limited. I don’t think he would have any excuses for not liking horror stuff, video games, etc.

ok i’m pretty sure i already elaborated on how you two can relate to each other, in addition i want to emphasize that he is one of the kindest characters in the game as of now so he has that going for him 

From what I can tell from your offerings in a relationship, it is safe to say that you are more than willing to be there for him when he is going though insecure periods of his day/week/month/year so that is something he can appreciate. The fact that you mention loving someone for them and not for their facade speaks volumes in his case - he had to turn down many marriage proposals in order to protect himself and his future kingdom. I think it goes without saying why some people would marry him without actually knowing him. 🤴🤑

[ itzy vc ] hey, hey, hey, it’s your girl summer coming at you with her twenty years of mediocre existence to present miss FRANKIE KWON. meet my self-conscious, awkward babie who uses sarcasm as a defense mechanism. you can find info about her under the cut !! i might have written a long ass bio that i didn’t bother to finish on a google docs but will be linking that one soon.

BACKGROUND

[tl;dr: young girl grows up in a matriarchal household that is heavy with regret and blame. dad comes and makes her childhood a bit happier, only to leave and break her heart because he’s an asshole. grows up thinking her smarts is gonna save her, but it’s actually her humor that does]

to truly understand frankie kwon, one must go way back--back to when her grandparents first immigrated to michigan. landing in detroit, sunhwa kwon and her husband didn’t have it easy. she had a two-year-old hanging by her neck and a brilliant but unambitious husband. she had to struggle with odd jobs for years while taking care of her family and helping her husband learn english, so he can use his engineering degree in america. she became a severe woman, never softened by affection but hardened by grit and hard work. eventually, the her husband was able to land a stable job and the family relocated to chelsea. 

sunhwa made sure to train and hone her daughter jina’s natural intellect, but her methods were severe and lacking in affection. jina looked for the affection she didn’t find at home elsewhere. she fell in love with the first boy that called her beautiful, and at eighteen, gave birth to francesca areum kwon. 

and so it goes that frankie was born in a household  heavy with guilt, blame, and regret. there was love there somewhere, but it was constantly shadowed by feelings that existed way before she did. the emotional scars her mother and grandmother inflicted on each other were too deep-seated that their love for each other hid behind a cover of blame and snark. at a young age, frankie learned how to read a room, learned what to say or do so as to not aggravate the precarious balance of their household. she learned how to figure out whether her mother was too tired from work or whether her grandmother was in a snappy mood. it was a tightrope dance she learned how to perfect, growing up faster than she should have. 

all her grandmother’s lost hope for her mother transferred to frankie, and her grandma supervised her education with the same vigor. although, this time, she was a tad bit more affectionate to her granddaughter (i mean all grandmas can’t resist their grandchildren, let’s be real). her mom wanted to protest, but aside from the guilt, she was always busy. being a single mom was hard enough, but she also had to take care of her aging mother.

frankie is a shy kid by nature, but her household just intensified this predisposition. she had few friends because she was scared about approaching kids first. she spends her time watching cartoons, studying, and writing in her journal.

enter: frankie’s dad, andrew grant. he left chelsea and his pregnant ex-gf bc he’s an asshole. but he comes back nine years later because he failed at whatever version of the american dream he was following at that time.

he taught frankie to have fun !! she’d spend afternoons at his car shop bantering with him and telling jokes. eventually, she relayed these jokes to people at school and was shocked when people actually laughed. she became more well-liked, developed a sense humor, and had more friends. the ages 9-12 were probably her happiest. 

at 12 years old, she got invited to a middle school sleepover for the weekend. but she had a big test on monday, and her grandma doesn’t allow her to go to stuff if she has tests the next schoolday. with the help of her mom, she was able to go to it by pretending it was a school event. had so much fun and forgot to study. she didn’t get a grade high enough for her grandmother to be happy, though. once her grandma found out what she did and her mom’s involvement, she was livid !! that was the biggest fight her grandma and mom got into and frankie was grounded for a month. the worst part was, throughout the fight, frankie felt like she was a burden to the two women she loved the most. she felt like she was the reason her mother was always tired, constantly nagged on by her grandmother about wasted potential.

to make matters worst, her dad left town again. fell in love with some other venture. he told her he would come back but never did. 

since that day, frankie dedicated herself full force to her studies. she felt like she needed to make it up to her mom and grandma for all their sacrifices. she built a wall around herself because it’s easier that way. she had few friends, but it was better for her.

her grandmother died during her senior year of high school. she loved her grandma, but she felt as if a weight lifted from her chest. her mom encouraged her to go to school as far as she liked. 

she got a scholarship to columbia and studied statistics like the big nerd that she is !!

she met roman and lucy here, finally felt that she had friends that she felt she can really open to. 

after college, she worked for a firm. she finally felt secure, like she payed some sort of unsaid debt to her grandma but she wasn’t happy, folks :(((

she first did stand-up as a dare on an open mic and she was so shocked that people laughed. she was tipsy then, and kept made self-deprecating jokes of her childhood trauma. love that for her.

the more stand-up she did, though, the more nervous she got because she gets really worried if she’s doing things right. instead of improving, she got worse because her nerves always get to her. don’t get me wrong the jokes are great, it’s just that her execution doesn’t always land.

comedy was just a vERY beloved side hobby for her until a small production company based on youtube offered her a writer position. she would get to  write their skits and stuff, but she it payed wAY less than her present job. she was like fuck it, and took the offer. she wanted to make people laugh.

that leads us to here, a girl who is still unsure whether leaving a secure job was the way to go, secretly hoping to be a famous comedian.

PERSONALITY

frankie is like a spring roll you guys. outside, she masks her awkwardness and shyness with some cRunCHy self-deprecating jokes and sarcasm. so, she has an intimidating exterior because she tries to be tougher than she actually is. inside, she’s just a soft and sad girl. she doesn’t talk much if she isn’t comfortable with you, but once she is, she talks a loT. but it does take a while for her to warm up to people. can be extremely judgmental (a trait inherited from her grandma), but her mind can be changed. isn’t stubborn, though, and is actually a doormat. the type of person to say something and obsess over it because she’s scared that it might have offended someone. 

HEADCANONS

lots of repressed femininity because there was a lot of internal misogyny in her household growing up !! it was only until college with the help of lucy, that she was able to access her girlier side. 

is a lesbian, but has a lot of internal homophobia as well. her grandma was a very traditional woman, so frankie feels very guilty about liking girls, and is very hesitant about going on dates and actively looking for relationships even though she’s really lonely.

likes writing a lot !! used to keep journals since she was 8 because it honestly made her feel less lonely growing up. 

nOBODY CALL HER FRANCESCA. she hates that name, but likes her second name a lot. only her grandma called her areum tho.

spends a lot of time at  mon’s deli, and mon could also be counted as her bff. she and the old man gossip and chitchat about the bennington street residents for hours. is this also because she is in dire need of a father figure?? maybe, yes, absolutely

used to have really low alcohol tolerance, but sort of grew out of it?? if she doesnt drink for a month or two tho, her tolerance goes back to zero like dont ask me, i dont make the rules

still a big fan of cartoons and kid humor !! loves amazing world of gumball and steven universe

makes her own kimchi because her grandma and mom have a special family recipe, will happily share if she likes you

i imagine the level of closeness she has in the group varies, like she’s closer to some people than others and acts differently around them

would really like to do stand-up again but still has stage fright

want her to either end up working on something as big as snl or writing movies or overcoming her stage fright and becoming a successful stand-up comedienne !!

okay now that issue 6 is out and ive read the thing like 3 times, im gonna do my full review/breakdown of the zed comic and allll my thoughts on it.

no screenshots bc i dont want this to be longer than it is already, and also im not gonna talk about the art itself either. this is simply about the characters, the story, and how that relates to the lore of league itself.

all of this is my opinion, you can agree or disagree with me whatever, yadda yadda lets begin

ISSUE ONE

Probably the best one? In my opinion. The lack of expectations really helped this one not suck. Also the most consistent when it comes to characters personalities, comparing them to the in-game voice lines from league and the card game.

There are scenes in issue 1 that almost foreshadow, or at least reference, the events of Issue 6, specifically Zed looking up to the statue of Kusho, and how Zed kills Althon vs how Zed kills Kusho later on.

The dialogue between Shen and Akali is.. a little clunky? Shen’s dialogue is just a little. formal. but to the point that he sounds like he’s lecturing a stranger, not talking to a former student.

Jhin giving Zed his scalpel from 19 years ago is a neat detail that I wish they used more in the story. Sure, we can assume now that Jhin probably only got it because Kusho gave it to him at some point after releasing him- which means that the scalpel is one of the many wasted plot opportunities I’ll bring up here. Part of the appeal of that scene, if only just for me, was the idea that Jhin stole it from Zed while he wasn’t looking. I remember people pointing out background characters and being like “but what if that’s Jhin there! what if he was there all along!!”  But that has now been thrown out the window.

A thing I wish they did was shown more of Jhin’s ‘performances’, even if only in a montage. To show more of the impact this had on Zed and Shen, the strain it put on them mentally and emotionally, and how it affected their relationship. But I understand time and probably page restraints. So whatever about that.

Again, I think this was the best one. Set up the story well, showed why everything happening is important for the character. Neat, cool. Let’s move on

ISSUE 2

Seeing the bodies was pretty fucked up, but tbh? That shit vibed. It’s one of those things I hoped they were gonna do and they did. The bodies looking like porcelain with gold blood?? And the peacock feathers???? Thats fuckin cool as hell.  Then they never did it again.

In the flashback comes one of the worst fucking things in this comic. Yevnai.

Listen I adore Yevnai as a character, one of my favourites to come from the comic. You know, in the ONE ISSUE SHE ACTUALLY SHOWS UP IN????? She shows up as simply conflict between Shen and Zed (which never actually comes up mind you), as bait for Jhin, and for? Zed to show that he can sense magic from her kids to show that she’s been cheating on her husband with Quno the vastayan servant (bc we know Zed hates vastaya i guess?). oh and Guess What? the sensing magic thing also doesn’t show up again. 

Oh and Jhin follows Zed to Yevnai’s place. But nothing happens from that.

Issue 2 was good, but just a total waste imo. A lot of plot points set up only to never happen again. Best things about it were dead bodies, Jhin’s tiny Zed and Shen puppets, and the knowledge that Shen still writes letters to Yevnai :’(

ISSUE 3

I got so fucking pissed when this issue came out, no shit. They took the events of The Man With The Steel Cane and just. Threw it out the window. I did a whole other post about my issues with it so I won’t just rewrite the same shit twice. But I had to actually stop reading and pace angrily for a bit. I HATE issue 3 bro.

The scene with Kusho :) . Good to know that was now a waste of misdirection because EVERYONE seemed to call that Kusho was still alive. What bullshit. But I’ll get to that.

The inconsistencies in character really show in this one. And that connects to it being a shitty rewrite of The Man With The Steel Cane. They probably wanted a fight between Shen and Zed by this point, being halfway through the comic, and just shoved it in there. Doesn’t mean I’m not mad about it.

Akali and Kayn’s dialogue was probably the best thing in the entire issue. I don’t vibe with Akali/Kayn as a ship personally, but it got a giggle out of me im ngl.

Akali attacking Zed. I guess yeah sure she would. Fits her whole “fuck you i wont do what you tell me shen” vibe. But SHEN? calling off the armistice between the yánléi and kinkou due to the actions of one of HIS ex-students?? Shen would never. Let’s add another point to the ‘This Is Really Out Of Character’ board!

The sworn and witnessed scene was nice, it’s what Kayn deserves. Finally knowing the Kashuri Faction was nice, too bad they never get fucking mentioned ever again I guess.

There’s so many references to The Man With The Steel Cane that they could’ve implimented so much better, especially dialogue. I can’t read the original story without feeling cheated out of what it was before Issue 3. So more wasted potential I guess.

Issue 4

This was a big step up from Issues 2-3. My personal favourite, but not the best (if that makes sense). But there isn’t too much to talk about here? Jhin sets off his bombs from the last issue, it looks cool, but there’s no real story to talk about here. There is a lot of character stuff to talk about though.

Zed choosing to save Shen over getting Jhin is fucking HUGE for Zed as a character. For a character so hellbent on vengence throughout the entire thing choosing instead to save his "hated enemy and closest friend” ?? im sobbing.

This whole comic was emotional as hell, and the most character development we ever fucking saw in this thing. From Zed’s daddy issues to the realisation that Zed’s shadows are shades of Jhin and Kusho (which is now fucking hilarious and makes no sense after Issue 6).

There was a lot of setup for plotpoints that actually did show up later for once, like Kayn being the temporary leader and all that jazz. What it had in emotion, it seemed to lack in real story progression until the end. 

Issue 5

This issue was weird for me. Like there was a lot of plot and a lot of character shit that seemed so condensed that it felt like nothing. Zed’s confession in the cell-wagon and the information that Shen was out fighting Noxians too? Alright, sure okay. 

Shen still seems wildly out of character for me, since we mostly know him as this beacon of peace and calm- he’s so violent towards Zed all the time it’s strange. Like he points a sword at Zed while saying that he isn’t allowed to kill Jhin, wtf

The callback to Awaken is fucking superb. Really solidifies that video into the lore of the game. Camille being mentioned had me like :hearteyes: This is a nitpick- but I wish we knew what happened at the end of Awaken. Is Camille okay? Did Jhin get injured? It was a week ago, if he did get injured- where and how did he recover so fast? Little details  that I wanna know, not really for any real story purposes.

Rhaast finally showing up :hearteyes:, nothing else to add bc nothing else happened with him.

Jhin making the most of Piltoven technology is really cool, and its a scene that made me go “OH YEAH he was a stagehand for a good period of time!!”  That’s what we call Tying In Pre-Existing Lore fellas.

Jhin just really shined in this issue. Really set him up to be The Big Bad of the comic, like he had a monologue and everything! Once again, though, that gets absolutely wasted by Issue 6.

Issue 6

Where do I fucking start?

Let’s start with Jhin. I don’t know about yall, but since we spent a solid 5 issues chasing after him I expected more of a dramatic fight. More like the explosions in Issue 4. But uh we got. Some fancy prop work before he got punched in the face twice and thrown on the ground. It’s What He Deserves but like you know, he deserved worse.

As much as I didn’t want it to happen, I’m disappointed they didn’t unmask him at all. His mask was still fucking pristine by the end of the fight!! Not a scratch, not a chip!! But to be fair I think we got maybe 2 pages worth of a physical fight with Jhin so,, sure. Whatever. Out goes 5 issues of setting up? Not to downplay the conflict in that scene of course, I think it was pretty cool. It was just so anticlimactic at the end like wh-

Kusho! Haha they got us good!! The dead dude is actually still alive oooo~ [heavy sarcasm]. Why. It wasn’t a good twist! It was a “oh. okay yeah sure” twist. This might be my heat of the moment response but I have no words for how cheap and absolutely horseshit that twist is. Good thing we only have to think about it for 10 pages because HE FUCKING DIES AGAIN. WHAT A WASTE!!

Whatever, whatever, thinking about it makes me so mad because they set it up barely in Issue 5? I’m just tired this actually drained me irl.

At least we have baby Kayn and good dad Zed at the end to cleanse us of that.

HEY actually did you know that they thought that Good Dad Zed was considered contoversial by Marvel’s editors?? HUH????

whatever, whatever. i’m pissed. 

BONUS SHIT

So Jhin’s lore has now had an update to connect with the comic. And it’s fucking weird. Now suddenly Kusho didn’t care about catching Jhin after he found out it was just a human person murdering people? And that it was essentially Not Their Job anymore??? excuse me??

CONCLUSION?

This comic started with a good beginning and a lot of potential. It brought up so many new theories and so many new headcanons. But all that potential and all that interesting story got washed away with unconnected plot points, ‘important’ characters that show up once, and a cheap twist ending that simultaneously came out of nowhere and was easily predicted (in the bad way). It was a fun read for a while, but the ending has soured the experience I had reading it.

Some issues may come from time + page constraints, and the limitations of the medium. But those were mostly minor issues. I wanna give the artists and the writers the benefit of the doubt, maybe blame Marvel as I like to do. But...

6 months worth of waiting for an ending like this? I’m just disappointed.

sadness + a pandemic

its march 18th, 2020. the nation is in a state of emergency due to the spread of coronavirus; a viral infection with flu-like symptoms that can be severe [potentially fatal] for the immunosuppressed, elderly, and very young. as a result of this horseshit - everything on the calendar is cancelled. everything including classes for the rest of the semester. so Ohio State has kindly asked us to move out of our current campus housing and say goodbye to this year from the quarantine of our own homes.

-

i keep trying to remind myself of how blessed i am; something that has been a common theme in my life. “people always have it worse” “in the grand scheme of things” etc. but this is so hard to have that mindset. I am trying to check myself and be grateful for what i have, i am in no way suffering more than those who are going to lose meals, family members, shelter, or jobs due to this fucking virus. but my feelings are still heavy, + threatening a downward spiral in my mental health. also cough syrup just came on so like, now im really unstable and my room is pitch black i do not feel well

in the past week i have been forced to accept the end of so many things. A) my experience living in my sorority house, B) my college friends until fall, C) the seniors graduating and moving on, and D) half a semester in college that I can’t get back.

To start with A - the sorority house. my heart is WRENCHING over this. i cant even begin to put into words how much that damn house means to me as stupid as it sounds. In that house, I didn’t just make friends. I didn’t just go to school and come home to eat or sleep. It completely changed who I am as a person, and brought me further out of the shell that I didn’t realize was still covering me. I have been blessed with amazing people in my life and I was fortunate enough to meet even more of them in that house. over 7 months, i met girls who made me feel validated and loved in a way that only a few people had shown me before. Without them I would not have the confidence to do so many things I did this school year, and i cannot thank them enough for their support through it all. I could talk about my sorority until my mouth gets dry, but its all because i feel so passionately about what it has done for me. Im not ‘paying for my friends’ or for frats or for free t shirts (that aren’t even free might i mention)…. these people mean the world to me. seeing their faces everyday in the house brought me so much joy and peace of mind that i am terrified for what i am going to do without it. i am a people person to my death, and living somewhere where i could walk down the hall and pop my head into people’s rooms to bother them was the best thing that has ever happened to me. my anxiety chilled the f out in this house; because i was forced into conversations i didnt want to have and forced to socialize with girls at dinner when all i wanted to do was go eat by myself and cry about food like i used to do in high school. this experience was truly     once    in     a    lifetime,     and i had the best memories with all of those people. i never felt so at home like i did in the chee as we call it - that place gave me the same sense of shelter that id cry about leaving behind in cleveland. because of these strong memories associated with that house, my chest is physically tightening when i remember i have to leave it behind tomorrow morning,,,, tomorrow morning! its just not fair to have something that great and that makes you so happy ripped away from you without warning - and again i know this happens all the time in life but it doesn’t suck any less when it does!! you know what else sucks about the house? i actually didnt want to live in it, at all. I thought my life was perfect last year and i wasn’t willing to change it for the world - but i took a leap (or was kind of forced to jump) and it is the best decision i have ever made. i didnt want to do it, i did it, and now im so happy —— so naturally life comes in with the “let it go now before you’re ready”. you’re joking? the best things in my life come out of what i think are going to be the worst things, and now i am so sad that i didn’t have that attitude 7 months ago and wasted even a minute questioning what was right in front of me.

to my college friends; i love you so so much. thank you for being a part of the family i have at OSU… a school I thought was going to be too big for me. I will miss your smiling faces every day. I will miss the different conversations and the little run ins and the squadding up at bars that have been my entire college experience. stay healthy and well i love you all and cant wait to see you again (also come visit me please im sad and its not long before im going to start punching walls)

to my seniors. my freaking seniors!!! this is so unfair to you — and i honestly think that the only thing keeping me sane throughout the whole thing is knowing that if you can have a positive attitude about all of this ending so quickly than i fucking better have one too. im not ready to let you go even a little. i couldn’t even TYPE that sentence without starting to feel a lump in my throat. there are so many people i unfortunately just got to know this year that have given me an example of the person i want to be. you all have been great role models for me (even when you think you haven’t) and i am so grateful for the memories we did get to have together. at our preference round of recruitment, hearing the seniors speak made me start crying immediately. i hate change. i hate people leaving. even though you are doing great things in your young adult lives i just don’t want you to go!!! is that fair just to have your face around all the time?? I am so so sad that i didnt get a proper goodbye —— that you didnt get a proper goodbye to your school like you’ve dreamt of. this is all too sudden and unfair and i want to squeeze you all to pieces and tell you i love you 100 times and not to forget me. please dont forget me because i will never forget you. (crying again) THANK YOU for showing me kindness, hard work, fun, and true love for your friends. THANK YOU for showing me what its like to have an unmatchable energy level and be excited about waking up every day… everyone can use that mindset. THANK YOU ALL, please dont go. i want nothing more than to take this virus away from you just so you can have a second to look around and breathe.

half a semester in college i cant get back. its true what they say ~the years get faster as you get older~ and i really wish it wasn’t. I already feel like im growing up too fast, like my parents are growing older too fast, or my younger cousins growing up too fast (and not just because of tik tok). i feel like time is moving so much faster than i can handle. i feel like i am spiraling into my dark hole of losing everything - and the feeling of not being able to stop your life from slipping through your own fingers. i want to make it stop; i want to freeze time and relive all of the amazing memories and laughter fits i have had this school year. i only get 4 real years of college, and to think that im losing some of one breaks my heart. i feel like i never truly value a moment until after it happens, and you really don’t know what you have until its gone. i am so FUCKING sad to have to say goodbye to sophomore year like this; and i pray that i can make up for it in some other way and that things dont change. i am so fucking scared of things changing - and i was so happy 2 weeks ago with life that im not okay with anything fucking with it. im sad, im trying to cope, and trying to process everything that’s happening. but i really just wish it all wasn’t. i dont want to feel like im always running out of time.

tell everyone you love them & stop to smell the flowers. appreciate what you have now because you never know when a virus is going to take over the globe and destroy the idea that you have everything planned out. im sad, i havent felt like this in a minute. and it goes up from here, i know it does! but the light at the end of that tunnel is a little dim right now. i think my flashlight needs a few more batteries (metaphorically! ha ha! now im not sure if it makes sense and is deep or im just jet lagged) 

okay goodnight! 

xoxo sad taylor hours 

So Id like to mention that COVID19 has put a lot of things into perspective.

My industry of experiential marketing was literally one of the first to go about a week ago when stores began banning all live demonstrations. I work in the natural and organic food industry doing live events and cooking recipes on site to sample brands to customers at grocery retailers.And because sampling tables are good places to spread germs, my demos all immediately came to a stop. I'm also an in home, private Music Teacher to kids of various ages and needless to say if schools' on hold, so is teaching. and so is income. My Venmo is :ABBlas22

Which sucks, a lot because the majority of my work is independent contractor based. . . .and there's no health care, paid leave, unemployment, or sick time. Why do I still do it? Because I love the industry, the opportunities it affords me, and the pay is solid. Except come tax season. The Government likes to fuck you if you work for yourself. . . .even tho I pay for all my own equipment and car repairs to get me from job to job. My Venmo is ABBlas22

However, amid the panic, I havent felt this calm in years. The constant anxiety and pressure of having to make money and go to work and be on time and make my schedule and drive from this city to that city for this demo and that demo, has subsided. I finally wake up and I'm not staring at the clock counting down how long before I have to leave which triggers an anxiety fest about leaving my dogs home alone because my one dog has such severe separation anxiety she destroys her crate, escapes, and then ruins the house(we are actively working on it) . . .so I'm up early and nervous about, "ok I have three hours I have to walk the dogs for at least one of those hours, feed them, get dressed, brush teeth, try to eat, clean the house, stuff their Kongs, make sure I have everything I need, and then try to sneak out before the dog starts freaking out." followed by "did I book enough demos this week, if I have to execute 16 for the month where can I put another demo, should I give myself a day off? nah, i need the money, let me check my Google calendar for the 65th time this morning and stare at all the blank dates I should be booking demos instead of doing anything else because no matter how much I work, it is never enough. So I spend an hour worrying about plunging my family into financial ruin. . . . better get online and start digging thru emails and brand Ambassador groups to make sure I've got enough work. Oh what's that? the sound of my entire family and partner telling me to get a *regular* job even though the idea of punching a clock and working for someone else makes me physically sick. . but I go and do it anyway because its a W2 position so you think well maybe I'll get health benefits at least and then come to find out that this bullshit retail job doesn't give part timers benefits of any kind, but I keep the job anyway because everyone said a normal job was best, but it pays $6 less an hour than my demo gigs and is a total waste of my skills and professional experience and eventually is cutting into my income because its taking up so many weekly hours but pays significantly less that I start calling out to go do demos instead and then the same people who were like "get a regular job" turn around and go "no, not That job, try This job."

and I'm over here ready to fucking scream because I've Been very clear about wanting to be in business for myself. I have tried many things, including testing an extremely beta version of what eventually became Uber Eats. . . I could be a millionaire but my parents thought it was a stupid idea and once I used up my resources trying to drum up business, that was it.

also, this is the worst part about being a millennial. I went to college for music because they said be anything and follow your dreams . . .but then I graduated into recession (2006) and got the first job I could,at a deli, which . . . .isn't exactly a degree holding position. For years we said,"I'm just grateful I Have a Job right now." and we got bitter, broke, and depressed as a generation. We're in our 30's now and it's just as bleak an outlook for our generational future. At least until the boomers die out and free up some of that wealth, if they don't all leave it to the cat and state first just to spite us.

So yea, people are freaked out with COVID19 but for the first time, I dont feel pressure or anxiety to rush out the house or make money because everything got cancelled. All I want to do is work super hard on my own online store via Shopify and grow from there. I love to work and I love the discipline of hard work. I would rather spend 18 hours in a day working on my own business and hustling my ass off to make it work using over a decade of marketing and sales experience to promote my brand for once.

But that's hard to invest time and money when I live paycheck to paycheck and have a partner and fur babies who depend on me. Everytime I excitedly talk about dropshipping through shopify and all my plans for it, it's met with a nervous "I believe in you but dont fuck us financially." "I believe in you but doesn't that take time." "I believe in you but why don't you just work here, they pay decent."

I love that the #Coronavirus hit and suddenly human rights are easy to hand out. I love that Coronavirus got us to halt economies on a scale so massive that will actually help us fight climate change. Capitalism has destroyed our planet and our species.

I want to always remind everyone that we are a species first. Not countrymen, not race, not religion. . . we are all dancing flesh bags, given different corporeal conduits with which to experience life and then later compare notes with one another.

"What's life like in that short skin suit?"

"Not bad but I can't reach anything."

"Good thing I got one of these tall skin suits." *grabs top shelf items*

"Thanks!"

It's to help us come together, understand similarities thru differences and use them to gain new perspectives while helping our species and our planet thrive.

This insane notion that everyone needs to have a job needs to go. Our species was Not made to do slave labor all day long for an invented wage that keeps us stuck fighting for basic survival when we have the potential to completely alter our lives.

The Earth is a hostage who's not allowed to feed her own kids. They locked up every fruit bearing tree, enslaved every animal, poisoned the soil, polluted the water and then held your life at gunpoint and demand you hand over hours of your life to work that does a disservice to your potential for greatness just for a chance to get a taste of what should be your birthright.

Basic needs of survival that all humans will die without shouldn't be prizes for who can work themselves to death the fastest.

Im using this time as an opportunity and am taking what little resources I have to work on my online store and sell off and flip what I can to make start up money on Ebay. (I dont even have WiFi and my apartment complex has locked the business center for CoronaVirus) . Using my phone for everything is really fucking tedious, especially because I've had it for 4 years and it doesn't always cooperate, but I'm grateful I even have one to use. If you want to invest in me, even just $5 I will 100% be using it to get a business off the ground. I've got most of the basic work done and market research, but with no income I cant even afford the basic Shopify plan at $30 a month, I'm hoping they pass a moratorium on evictions because how do I pay rent with no job to go to!?

My Venmo is : ABBlas22 and I do reward!

Everybody is doing it…..

The reality is that everything you harp on and make yourself feel bad about are things that won’t kill you. If I ever had to swallow my pride, I might just choke and die and be in my casket with a huge lump in my throat because even in death they wouldn’t be able to rid me of my pride. I am a proud woman. I’m proud that I take care of my family, proud that I have maintained healthy mature relationships with friends, proud that when Neyo sang “She got her own” I felt it deep in my soul that he was talking about me. It has taken me an extremely long time to like myself and anything that affects that homeostasis is rejected, including things that could potentially be good for me. But unfortunately the human condition is against any form pf equilibrium. On our dying planet, in our dying bodies, change is bound to occur.

By the grace of the creator I reconnected with a gentleman I had met at Varsity. He was gorgeous, well-spoken and SINGLE….please let me say that again S.I.N.G.L.E! The only issue was that he was based in Durban and I was in Lesotho so all we could do was talk. Months went by and finally he popped the question. “Amo, would you be comfortable visiting me?” Comfortable???  In my mind this was my future husband and this was IT!!! My destiny was calling. Id visit and we would either fall madly in love or hate each other. But then the pesky left side of my brain started deconstructing it, what if he isn’t the guy in the pictures? (I had met him before so this was impossible. BUT what if he had gained so much weight he was unrecognisable?) What if he is lying about everything, what if I get there and he was a human trafficker? I said screw it and made the plans but he flaked on our first meeting. (To be fair he told me well in advance) But STILL I was devastated. His reasons didn’t even matter, I was shattered. This is not how I had imagined my happily ever after beginning. He had wanted to postpone the visit but I received it as a rejection. It made me want to shut out the world and forget I ever met him, the risk I was taking didn’t make sense anymore.

Nursing a broken heart now that My Future Husband was a disappointer. The phone trust we had established was gone! All the cute plans of walking on the beach hand in hand and watching the sun set were also out the window. It was a lot! I was miserable with no Future Husband so that Saturday I decided to get a quick cure of wine and chats. I always say, problems that can’t be solved with chocolate, wine, a good cry or a debriefing session with your girlfriends or boyfriends, are for professionals. So when I didn’t want wine and wasn’t my usual charming self my friends were shocked. I didn’t want wine or braai meat at the same time, I was really going through it.  A friend finally asked what was wrong and I unpacked everything. My Future Husband was gone and now I was just a sad woman missing a man who just didn’t understand how hard I had to work to be mentally prepared for this trip. He didn’t get that for me to really live outside the pleasure palace I have created was hard. Leaving to go see a potential love was new for me. Then my friend asked what it was that I really wanted? I told him that I wanted to reach out to my Future Husband and fix things. Then he asked me what was stopping me. I didn’t have answers, just a blank stare then I told him about my pride and fear….he laughed.

He began his speech with a sip of wine, pressed his lips together, looked me square in the face and said “Amo, life is too short for you to still be thinking about your pride when it comes to your heart. What’s the worst that could happen? You will never get want you want just thinking about it. If he rejects you and never want to see you, at least then you will know. You won’t be the first person to cry yourself to sleep. If talking to him makes you happy then do what makes you happy. Get your man and be happy!” So much wisdom was exchanged that day between sips of red box wine. (We don’t drink box wine anymore.)

We are all taking Ls. Every single last one of us has had egg on their face and cried themselves to sleep. It’s part of being alive. If your logic is that everyone else looks like they have it together, you are not wrong. They look like they have it together but you will never know if they do. Everyone is battling something. I was busy thinking about things that didn’t ultimately matter. Not being embarrassed had become so important to me that I lost sight of the clear fact that I wasn’t going to get another chance to say how I felt and have this experience in my life that would teach me what I was meant to learn.  

Being open and honest about your feelings is HARD! However, I want to reiterate!!! Everyone else is trying!!! We are all making mistakes, learning, getting hurt, being disappointed and taking Ls, private and publicly. Throw out the old adage that if all your friends were jumping off a cliff you wouldn’t also jump because you don’t need to be like everyone else. Our cliffs are defined by our own individual threshold for pain. Your cliff might be wearing shorts, while my cliff might be speaking up in meetings at work. Regardless what your cliff is, you will only ever know the life you have already lived if you never take chances. Don’t waste your life looking at someone else’s glass thinking my goodness their glass is so full and decide to drink from the cup of your life slower. If you take a chance you might get a jam jar and shots of tequila on the other side or have no drinks at all and remember to call it a night. You will never know if you just sit there looking at the glass you have now and thinking you can’t part with its contents. You can and you should, you are already dying so get busy living. Send the text, make the call, fight for it, be persistent, take a day off but live like you mean it!

I decide to get what my heart most desired. I called the man and took a chance on Future Husband. I prayed on it and trusted his intentions were good and they were. I visited and it was magical. Sadly he wasn’t the husband the creator had intended for me. But as far as positive male experiences go he is still the ONE!!!! We don’t speak anymore, if I ever see him again we will talk about the crazy adventures we had because the risk resulted in reward. Don’t let things that don’t matter be the reason you don’t have the things that do.

Make no excuses, live your life, everyone else is doing it!!!!!!

Bisou…bisou

Dream catcher

AUGUST 26, 2021 As I am writing this. I can still feel my heart sinking. I am so hurt, and it is all because of a dream. I hope this feeling goes away as I write this dream. I was at an unknown place, not really familiar with it because I haven't seen it or went to it in my current world. It was an open space where cars were parked.The environment feels tropical, and the scenery looks orange-y. Like one of those movies where the setting was in the Latin Americas. On the left side of the open space, there were houses lined up until you reach a shore. These houses where tiny, but connected to one another. In one of those houses you can find my family's home. It was the after-party of my birthday celebration, so my mother and father went to bed, I fixed and cleaned our house, so that we can start the after party on the other house. Familiar and unfamiliar faces showed up. There were drinking, and chatting, and more people moving, but the thing was, I cannot hear any music. I was on the corner house, a wooden kubo which was elevated, and in front of me I can see the open space parking, on my back, there was a large glass where I can see the my siblings and her friends sobering up outside, on my left side were the houses, and on my right, my friend P. We were sitting on a wooden stairs, looking around for people. She was really wasted.Some people cam eto us and sat right next to us, chatting and drinking, one of them was my ex. I don't know why he had the guts to go to my party, moreso to come right beside me and talk like nothing happened between us. He was talking about our failed relationship - asking me things like "remember when you did this?" in a joking manner, and telling things which he did or things that made him feel so hurt in our relationshiop. Admittedly at one point, withholding all the things he did and his manners, I missed the feeling of being beside him. I thought that he was trying to be nice to me, because it was my birthday, and because he did hurt me, and I deserve to be treated with kindness. I also thought that maybe he was trying to rekindle. As I've seen and heard him play with words, I knew right away that he was not tryng to impress me, he was trying to impress my friend. My friend, who was very wasted, initiated the kiss in front of me. I tried to act cool, because I dont want my ex to see that I am angry or hurt because I should not care about him. I dont know what happened next, or how he got out but I remember confronting my friend inside my room, trying to explain my feelings. I told her I felt disrespected, and I asked her what went through her mind. I understand that she was drunk, but it wa not an excuse to act that way. I was still concerned about her, bevcause that's what I always do, I always understand people even if they weren't even trying to explain themselves. I asked her if she and her boyfriend were having problems, or if they've broken up. She wasn't saying anything. After that, I was so angry, my heart was aching, so I did drink, while looking up to people I can talk to. There was no one. The worst part is, I don't like anyone there. As much as I want, I would grab anyone and kiss them, so that I can take my mind of what happened. As I was drinking and looking for a potential person who can entertatin me and take me away from this hurtful and awakward situation, I became reminded of my immediate sorrouding when my ex called my name and asked if I was looking out for someone. I saw him sitting beside me, leaning against the wall, sitting on the floor, looking to where was I looking. I didn't answer him because I knew he knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to make him feel hurt but I know kissing someone will not work, because surprise he doesn't care about me. He doesn't care kissing my friend in front of me. He's disgusting, and I cannot believe I fell in love with him. After everyone went home, I was cleaning my room when my friend went out of the shower, all dressed, and prancing to go down the stairs. I asked her where she was going, but the it occured to me that they were trying to hook up because I remember my ex told me earlier that he will go home to "fix" his room. That's code for "I am bringing someone in this room to have sex with them". I solved the puzzle, and my heart fell into my stomach as I saw the look on my friend's face. She said she needed this because she was so hurt. I begged her not to do it. I told her that she will regret this, that she should know who this person is, and that she should think about her boyfriend. I didn't even used the "he was my ex" card because I feel like that is so selfish of me, even though it was really part of the reason why my heart is aching. I am so torn because I feel like using that argument would mean I am still possessive of him, or that I should use it because it is a common courtesy, out of respect for me and my feelings. As I saw her leave the house, I contemplated if I should call his boyfriend or not. I woke up, with a heavy heart.

I’m calling you out for not knowing how to call people out

I saw a callout post for a problematic user the other day that was probably the worst attempt defamation I’ve ever seen. And this made me mad not because I thought the target was wrongly accused, but because there were like seven people giving their testimony to the abuse and yet it was handled so poorly that I doubt anyone who saw it would even believe them. This is pretty dangerous considering the person in question was an actual pedophile grooming children for sex, and a quick google search told me that this person has an army of stans ripping the lack of significant evidence apart in order to entrap new victims. Calling out the blatant inconsistencies in testimonies is a tactic that abusers use to separate their victims from the people who want to help them. Anyone who has had a run-in with a serial pedophile can tell you that they usually have a methods to make people trust them over numerous allegations. Its not enough to throw a rock at their house, at its worst, that rock can even help the abuser gain a victim’s sympathy. 

So I’d like to take this moment to explain how to properly spread information about a potentially dangerous person. Though, I’d like to make this very clear: I’m not saying this as someone whose done a lot of these as if its some kind of art form. I’m doing this from the perspective of someone who has seen the scum of the earth and know how they ensnare people, and hope to be able to spread awareness to potential victims. 

1. The Abuser

I feel like it is a no brainer to actually mention who the abuser is, but apparently thats difficult for some people to wrap their heads around. So often I will see purposeful misspellings or code names in callout posts to avoid causing drama. This is stupid for two reasons: Firstly, if it is at the point where you feel a callout post needs to be made for people’s safety, fandom drama should no longer be an issue. Secondly, if you don’t make it clear who it is you’re warning people about, how the fuck are they actually supposed to avoid them? Like, do you expect a 12 year old who is currently being gaslit by a pedophile to message you like ‘Hey, is @lle/////gory!!!334 Gregory? That kinda looked like his username but I couldn’t tell.’ Of course they’re not. They’re going to ask the person who is grooming them, who will either say ‘lol nah’ or make up a sob story as to why they’re being defamed. Grow a pair and use their names. 

It is very likely that the abuser will have more then one account, you’ll probably need to list all of them that you’re aware of, but know that the minute they see a post with their current name on it they’re probably going to change it. So, mention very clearly who they are, what circles they can be found in, and how they amassed enough popularity to trap victims in the first place. 

This callout post that I saw, which I will now be using as a reference for what not to do, managed to list the abuser’s various names but pretty much nothing else about them. All it said was that they were apparently the origin of some meme, but didn’t even explicitly say what the meme was so I had no idea if I even knew this person or not. I didn’t know if they were a fandom blog, an art blog, a social justice blog, a youtuber, the only context I could draw was from the fandom-specific usernames of their victims. If they changed their name, which they probably did right away, I would have no way of telling who this person was. 

Include screenshots of any of their posts with a lot of notes and listing this as identification for who they are. Also explicitly mention what circles they can be found in, any projects they were involved with, and any other iconography that can be associated with them. However, there is something I’d like to stress:

Do not include leaked personal information such as home address, workplace, or emails. It is not your authority to broadcast this information online. A callout post is not a legal testimony, merely a warning to other internet users within a community. If alerting the authorities is necessary, it is a different process to be handled by the victims and their supporters. Do not attempt to intervene through a social media. 

If you don’t want to receive hate from an army of stans thats understandable, which is why many people often will make a blog where victims can anonymously offer evidence. In fact, I suggest doing this as a first resort as it is easier to search “_____ problematic” into Tumblr then it is to scour a personal blog for mention of the abuser. This will also provide a handy archive for the allegations, and help keep up with the abuser’s activity. However, for legitimacy’s sake, I suggest that the mod’s identities of these blogs be clear. This leads us to my next point:

2. The Evidence

This is actually my primary reason for wanting to make this. The stuff mentioned above delegitimises accusations but isn’t really dangerous the same way a shoddy presentation of evidence can be. Someone who has been thoroughly brainwashed by the abuse cycle will look for any reason to continue a relationship with their abuser. They’ve likely been isolated from their friends, groomed to worship or fear their abuser, and are so drained from a volatile relationship that they don’t have the mental energy to waste on doubt. It takes a lot of strength to end even a good relationship, thats why abusers try to keep their victims drained and confused. They make them think it is easier to continue being abused then try to untangle the lies and manipulation. 

That is why you need to be explicit, blunt, and vocal about what the abuser has done. Put the most serious and unforgivable accusations at near top of your post in clear view. Try not to rely too heavily on accusations that dont have concrete evidence, as the abuser has probably already explained away anything you don’t have in writing. 

I am going to once again revisit the terrible callout post from before. The first thing they did was the usual attention grabbing intro with the paragraph pretending to tell us who this person is was to list a bunch of testimonies from various users.

Now, testimonies don’t really work over tumblr in a traditional sense. In a courtroom a testimony is given under oath, all the words spoken must be presumed to be true because the speaker understands that lying is a federal offence. Obviously the internet is not like this, and there is nothing stopping someone with a blog from lying. Not to mention, if they had been in the abuser’s circle in the past but is now flinging accusations, it is safe to say they didn’t leave on the best of terms. Abusers are famously unable to take responsibility for their relationships falling apart, odds are everyone in the abuser’s circle convinces their latest victim that all previous victims were in the wrong. 

I spoke with a friend who briefly joined the public discord of a known abuser to see what it was like, and showed me the rules specifically prohibiting anyone on the server to discuss allegations towards the mods. There was even a list of names that the bot would automatically block if you tried to type them in the chat log, and the mods had this witch hunt mentality where if they found evidence of you conversing with blacklisted users outside the discord, you would be banned and your name would be added to the list. It is very likely that the act of reading a testimony and asking about it could place a victim in danger. 

However, there is value to a testimony online if there are more then one. Testimonies are really only effective if there are an abundance of them, so many that you don’t even have to read one, the sheer volume of people speaking out against the abuser is suspicious enough on its own. Again, the presence of a blog that allows anonymous asks or submissions would be the ideal platform to publish testimonies.

Back at the terrible callout post, underneath the list of testimonies they had some bullet points of direct evidence that they linked directly back to the abusers blog. You should not do this. I cannot believe there are people who do not realise it is largely worthless to use posts that the abuser still has access to as a source. 

If you have even a remotely functional following anywhere on the internet you have probably said something stupid that bit you in the ass before. Your immediate reaction was probably to defend yourself, and when that failed, you go back and delete the post. Abusers can do the same thing, or, even more insidious, edit the post to say something else. 

“_____ fetishises black women! here is the link!” can originally have linked to something explicit but can easily be changed to “I think black women are beautiful and deserve our support <3 <3″ to make the writer of the callout post look stupid or overzealous. 

Screenshots are your friends. Take screenshots of the concerning behaviour and either include them in the post or link to a photo sharing archive. There’s really not much to explain about this. I cannot believe someone thought linking back to the original url would work. 

Another thing I cannot believe about that terrible callout post was that half of the accusations linked to posts of people repeating rumours they’ve heard. 

This is...dumb. This is unsalvageable. Don’t to this. It will never count and you will look like an idiot. 

However that terrible awful worthless callout post did have SOME credible evidence, to shit that didn’t matter at all, which leads us to our last point. 

3. The Abuse

Now this part is hard to discuss as most people seem to think abuse is a subjective term. This is not the case. 

While abuse can take shape in an infinite number of ways, not all stuff that pisses you off counts as abuse. Sometimes a jerk is just a jerk. Now you can hate a jerk as much as you want- they probably deserve it, but don’t try to sell someone just being a generally awful person as abuse.  

The terrible awful no good callout post tried to back up claims of criminal activity by saying the abuser cares more about Doctor Who than Flint Michigan. 

This is not abuse. Why would anyone think this is abuse. 

Now, if I have a blog devoted to a fandom I’m probably not going to post stuff about Flint Michigan to that blog. As stated above, I had no idea who this person was. For all I know they could have been exclusively a fanblog for Doctor Who. Sometimes there are just spaces that are kept away from serious real world issues and that in itself is not a crime. 

Trying to equate something like that to an act of sexual assault only makes it easier to dismiss your legitimate concerns by saying: ‘they’re just hating on me for being cringy’

There are millions of reasons why someone might not want to keep up with real world social activism on their blog, and those are a million reasons the abuser will use to invalidate your legitimacy. 

But hey, if that sort of thing annoys you, I totally get that. Go ahead and block this person, campaign against them, blacklist their stuff, encourage your friends to do the same. I’ve blocked people for less, just dont call it abuse. 

Now there is actual fan content that is means for legitimate concern. If the person consistently praises or creates content of abusive scenarios, its a red flag. If a person consistently defends incest or pedophilia, its a red flag. If a person bullies someone else for being ‘triggered’ over Flint Michigan, its a red fucking flag. 

The problem isn’t the art or the content or the blog type, but the mentality behind those things. Liking Doctor who isnt a problem. Liking the idea of Doctor Who having sex with his own daughter is. Avoiding current events isnt a problem. Trying to bully activists into silence is. You need to include that context to be taken seriously. 

Chat logs are your friend. Get the permission of victims to post, anonymously or otherwise, chatlogs of concerning behaviour. Try to focus on patterns to show a potential victim that the tactics used to insnare them have been used on other people before. Highlight instances of an abuser being sweet, (The Honeymoon Phase) as well as how quickly they devolve into abuse. 

In Conclusion

I’ve probably turned a lot of people off with this big dumb rant about something as petty as a callout post, and to those people I say: Good. If you’ve never been in a position to need this kind of thing then that is good. I’m not being facetious here, or implying you don’t know what you’re talking about just because you disagree with me, a callout post is really a last ditch effort to warn others that someone can construct in the aftermath of their ordeal. Pretty much everything I’ve mentioned relies on the willingness for victims to come forward, which I totally understand if they dont want to.

It is not my intention to bully others into sharing traumatic memories over the internet, but rather to make sure that anyone who does speak out wont become a target for harassment. At the end of the day, these are just posts floating around on tumblr. All you can ever hope is for someone to see your warning and stay away from the person who hurt you. Perhaps even draw the attention of other victims and help them process what has happened to them. 

But baseless claims and petty squabbles aren’t how you do that. Abuse should be taken seriously, and there is a large difference between someone Problematic and an actual Abuser. 

Ep 9 | I’d Rather Make Moves When I Need To - Emma

Okay, I am so sad Brandi is gone, but at the same time, it's not the worst thing for my game.  The good part of it is that we tried to make a move on Emma, we flushed an idol, and we weren't detected. I think this twist is actually super helpful in these moments because if you try something, and it fails, no one knows unless it gets leaked.

Another good thing is that Taylor's closest ally is now gone. I know that Taylor is super close with Ari, which is good, but I also want her to be super close with me. Not just for strategy reasons. She's also super cool and I like talking to her! Apparently she did tell JABARI of all people the vote was on Emma, so no wonder they knew how to idol tonight lmao.

Idk I feel pretty okay about my position in the game playing the middle rn I just need to not spread myself too thin and keep the targets in front of me. 

Soooo Tribal went off without a single hitch. brandi went home despite playing both of her advantages and Jacob wasn’t even near getting voted out. The main clownery of the night happened right after tribal. Ali started going on about how he felt like Brandi didn’t deserve to go home, when there were people currently in the game who didn’t care. If you think she deserved to stay, maybe you should’ve given her your immunity? Or better yet, volunteered to go home? And while we’re on the topic of who cares, haven’t you either flopped in or just not submitted in multiple challenges? Since I was still on the tribal call, I asked him who he was talking about, even though I kind of had a good idea of who it was already. He said Emma. and since Emma wasn’t there, we are aligned, and I know she was going through some things, I felt the need to stick up for her. I found it pretty disrespectful that Ali would say that so it did make me a bit mad. I of course alerted Emma right after it happened because I feel like she deserve to know, and she confronted Ali about it in the call after tribal. I’m sure everyone knows Emma and I are working together now, but I couldn’t let her be dragged through the mud like that. I’m really worried Ali and Taylor, who I know are aligned, will try to target me now. I understand where Ali was coming from though. I’m also a person who is driven by my emotions and I tend to say stuff without thinking about it first.

WELL all things considered that vote went pretty alright! i didn't manage to mist emma into using an idol for jacob so they could get blindsided, but other than that, things worked out pretty much how i hoped. jacob was saved, an idol (and lots of money) was flushed, and i can plausibly tell both sides that i voted with them even tho actually i voted ali for insurance purposes >:~) also we got major info about the location of the other idol when brandi didn't play it and it didn't go back into the shop, i.e. jabari MUST have it because there's no other possible place it could be. i know none of my people have it, and nic was so convinced that me/jacob did that i have to believe none of that group have it either, which leaves little old jabari who's been asking soooo many questions about everyone's funds and where items could possibly be. color me a little shocked but honestly kudos to her! now she gets to stay alive another round since that gun is an idol again.

other shop updates are that taylor's gonna buy something next round and so is dan probably, which will be great for getting them out of other people's hands and knowing for sure where they are. i can't believe i own shares in 2 of the 3 items currently in the game, how cute of me honestly. everyone else is now broke so that's delightful, i prob should've extorted myself for even more money so they'd think i was fully broke too but ah well what can you do.

i am a little worried about how ali's antics last night could potentially reflect back on me this round but i think i've done a pretty good job of covering my tracks there - i talked to both nic and emma immediately after and was like yeah i don't condone that behavior, and josh knows i wanted ali out over jacob because i got him to throw a vote that way with me, and obviously none of taylor/dan/jacob are gonna let me get targeted for that either sooooo i think i'm all good. once again, jabari is a wild card but i think i trust her a little more after my call with her yesterday and i don't think she would have the pull to do anything anyway.

so at last i can have a day of peaceful rest while i await these awful touchy subjects results! me taylor and ali are making a music video so that'll keep me busy for a while. overall feeling very grateful and blessed to not be stressed at this current moment in time!!!

Not mr ali making me regret voting off brandi out should of been ali oh well no point in voting him out now tbh that would be a waste things i think are slowly getting better for me i am talking to jacob and ari more idk how to approach taylor because ik we on different sides but ik we may or may not need eachother soon i feel so bad about brandi she was probably the nicest person here i said this about megs but brandi for second chances.. Yeah i just need to think of something that will seperate my gameplay from josh and nic if im stuck with them eventually that means i could get myself voted off its hard to like make moves rn but i rather make moves when i need to make moves.

also maybe ali should of put his immunity on brandi and not ari >:)

i also hope i break the record for most wasted idols im coming for that record im also so nervous about the future of the game i dont wanna just follow ppl around but like i kinda fucked myself over due to reasons out of my control oop

I just sent my nightly hellos to people and that’s already too much social interaction for me

I’m already fricken paranoid about this round and we haven’t even gotten immunity results ugh. I think it’s because I know I flipped that mastermind comp. like I really could have done much better than I did.

Additionally everyone was so quiet today so I’m just assuming everyone hates me and wants me to die. 

am i playing a good utr game or do people just forget i exist? i've got a lot of good (but conflicting) info from Dan and Taylor and I want to sit down and compare notes with Ari BUT WHERE ARE THEY you can't expect me to remember all this by tomorrow. I feel like I have somewhat of a good relationship with everyone aside from Ali and Jabari and I feel like I've gotten a few info that I find personally relevant moving forward but I need someone to compare this with. I think I'm playing a much more smarter game than before.

[Tumblr Survivor Riau reference] I feel like I was in a position like this before where I had the opportunity to play a good game being in the middle but fucked it up and sent one of my allies home because I was vetoed by my actual alliance [end Tumblr Survivor reference] so I'm doing the same thing this time around but keeping my sources a secret. The only person I am 100% honest is Ari and I hope it's mutual. I obviously can't take Ari with me to FTC but what I need the most are honest opinions and legit information and i think both of us are providing just that with each other.

ali needs to stop saying dumb shit to nic because it ALWAYS gets back to dan and i have to be like "omg lol im sure he didnt mean that" while running to ali and being like "hushhhhhh"

anyway i think the best thing i can do today is sit back and let everyone else tire themselves out scrambling and stressing!! it'll all resolve itself eventually and if it doesnt then oh well

I wasn't going to be making a confessional because I didn't wanna get an OTTN5 edit and also I felt like it was obvious I was going home and I had nothing to really say. There is a tiny bit of hope now, and it lies with Jabari and Dan. If everyone is telling me the truth, I will be staying. And if I do, I'd love to create a 5-person majority alliance with me, Dan, Jabari, Emma, and Josh. It'd honestly be perfect. I really like them all and am comfortable with them all.

If I go home, I wont be mad or anything, I'll just be sad that I didn't really come across the way I had hoped to in this ORG. I feel like a lot of things didn't come across correctly, and a lot of things were just pinned on me that were outside of my control.

Oh well. Let me remain positive. This is me being positive :] (Also I'm forever thankful for having Josh and Emma as allies without them I would've gone crazy by now. Thank you for everything you do.)

Power Rankings: ONE - DAN (+2) Threat: 8 (+2) Trust: 8 (+3) Dan’s at the top of the rankings this week because he’s in the position that I wish I were in. Despite losing Brandi, who was Dan’s #1 idled out by the minority alliance, he still was approached by the minority to vote with them. He knows each plan and he can decide whether he wants to flip or not. He decides who goes home this round. TWO - ARI (-1) Threat: 10 (+1) Trust: 9 (+1) Ari ranks #2 because they know everything that’s going on and they know it first. They’re the first to hear about any messiness or change to a plan. They aren’t included in it necessarily, but they hear about it. Ari’s threat level though is through the roof and hiding behind them as a meat shield is going to be key for my game. They should want to take a shot at Ari before me, and I plan to keep it that way. THREE - TAYLOR (-1) Threat: 7 (NC) Im starting to lose grasp and hold on my power as more of my allies leave. If the minority perception and gameplay wasn’t so awful I would have a lot more control over what goes on this round. Its just bad survivor gameplay to assume someone would never work with you because you voted their allies out. Because what they fail to see is that regardless of if im included in their plans or not, I still find out. I had 3 different people approach me that me name was out as I woke up at 9am this morning. It shows I have control, I just wish they’d include me so I had the power to deal with it rather than relying on others. FOUR - JABARI (+3) Threat: 3 (+1) Trust: 2 (-2) Jabari is here because she seems to want to give the minority.a chance. I don’t really understand her logic because regardless she’s at the bottom of an alliance. The one round where the majority wanted to count on her to prove she’s with us, she jumps. And she doesn’t even know that she’s completely fucking her game because of it. On top of that every suspects she has an idol. She only ranks 4 because of the information she is receiving, but she’s no threat because her gameplay is poor and everyone believes the rumour of her having an idol. FIVE - JACOB (+1) Threat: 7 (+1) Trust: 8 (NC) Jacob does know what each side is going to do, but unfortunately hes always the last to find out. Im not sure if its because of how late he sleeps in, or if hes everyones last resort but either way it’s not good for his power ranking. Jacob’s smart, hes going to be seen as an immunity threat sooner rather than later. SIX - NIC (+3) Threat: 3 (+1) Trust: 0 (NC) Nic is in 6th because hes the only one trying to steer a vote on the other side. He isn’t doing it successfully, but hes trying. If only he could put as much effort into challenges and he would trying to get people to save him. I dont trust him at all, he threw my name out. He has a little influence over Jabari, but that’s not too big of a success. SEVEN - ALI (-2) 
Threat: 1 (-2) Trust: 9 (-1) Ali unfortunately just doesn’t have the power he needs to get himself out of situations like he is in this round. When the name was between Ali and I it should have easily landed on me. But Ali doesn’t have the social capital that I do, which is why I had multiple people tell that side “lets do Ali over Taylor”. Not to mention Ali made a hugeeee mistake buying the dress for literally no reason. But I trust him I guess? EIGHT - JOSH (NC) Threat: 4 (+2) Trust: 5 (+2) Im starting to see a little fire with josh come out this round and im happy. Hes not willing to do anything about it, but the gears are turning in his head. I think our relationship will be important down the line but as of now he has no power and just follows everything Nic says. NINE - EMMA (NC) Threat: 0 (NC) Trust: 0 (NC) I literally don’t have anything to say about Emma. She doesn’t talk, doesn’t do the challenge, doesn’t care. Not worth my time.

I feel like im not winning this game unless if nic goes and josh goes right after idk im feeling a bit bad how im playing i was planning to go balls to the wall but like i find it really hard to do that when i am a known goat for something i could not control i try hard to change what people to see but idk how to do it anymore im totally not gonna stab josh and nic in the back at this point i just cant write their names down.

This vote is for all of the victims of the people that nic has voted off, nic is going home I know of it. All he's been doing has been working against me and for that ciao Bella 

GOD. What a day. I was pulled back and forth about this vote by both sides and this vote.

Ari/Jacob/Ali/Taylor want me to vote Nic Jabari/Nic/Josh/Emma want me to vote Ali

Neither option is ✨great✨ for my game. But we can’t vote out Jabari for personal reasons so here we are.

I’m worried about idols and such, but at the end of the day, I can’t get too in my head. If the idol comes out as long as they don’t end up voting for me instead of Ali... we’re good!

I’m voting for Nic because I don’t fuck with people who try to make you feel like you’re gonna lose if you don’t roll with them.  Even on OG Pearl he didn’t take a ton of time to get to know me and even now all he wants to do is talk game. In comparison, TSL has known me two rounds and I know so much about her.

Obviously voting out ANOTHER OG Pearl probably isn’t wise, but at the end of the day, New Pearl and OG Beeho seem to be the people I bond with the most and trust the most. And I might be dumb, but I am enjoying their company and would be proud losing to any of them. 

Return of The Thing

Sort of. By thing, I mean me. But I love this movie and the meme. Ok, context for this post: - Where I’ve been - Why I left - Whats hip happening -  Where I’ve Been:

Long story short, I’ve had real life matters to deal with. Firstly, my entire household contracted COVID. Well, *almost*. We’ve been through constant testing, quarantine zones, and had the ambulance up numerous times. My parents and 2nd oldest sister were hit the hardest. My 3rd oldest sister was positive and asymptomatic. Now something none of us could predict that I would be completely COVID free despite my compromises. Despite that I was in close contact with them all, including the 2nd oldest who contracted it first and accidentally being coughed on a few times lol. I went through the exact same testing and yet nothing. No symptoms. No presence of COVID. And I took no precaution to isolate from my family as I presumed in our small house we’d all get it, so I was more preoccupied with caring for the sick. Ultimately, I’ve either gotten off scott free this time or there’s a chance I may actually either be highly resistant or even immune. Even then, I WILL be having the vaccine as and when my family are eligible. And we all still follow regulations set.  I’ve also had other real life obligations, much of it either mundane fixing up my living circumstances to more personal matters. Overall, I have been extremely preoccupied.

A mini update, the stray cat Big has been in our porch a lot more in recent times due to the snow as well as being even more affectionate. And Queefster passed away after a good life and a full tummy. Why I Left:

Aside from COVID, business, and my own health declining, I’ll be blunt. I left because of how disgustingly toxic most fandoms are nowadays, but Hazbin is one of the WORST for it. That includes harassment, death threats, mocking MI and triggering an ED. In fact, I’ve even seen others get rape and death threats. So yes, even if YOU are a decent fan, collectively most of you arent doing any favours. Even some critical blogs seem to be overtly catty in ways no one else seems to pick up on under this ‘look how blunt I am’ look and it’s just... You dont have to be a prick to have your say, to be honest and to disagree with the trending. That’s a few on and off of tumblr, and no one I follow anyways. 

In regards to my ‘sensitivities’ - two things: 1) Of course trauma is going to hurt, 2) Im fully aware of kids doing and receiving much of this, which hurts MORE. I have my own lil squids and Im worried of them eventually having to deal with this shit. And no, no one SHOULD have to put up with such rude and poor behaviour. Agree to disagree doesnt live in some people’s realities, but by God harassment and bullying seems ok if YOURE doing it or enticing it. That ISNT ok. Even if it seems like nothing to you it could kill another. I certainly will not take your shit. 

On huskerdust I STAND by my words. It’s fucking creepy and there is sexual harassment and obsession. And there are large triggers. I will not go into detail here because Ive done that dance before and I’ll be refining it again. YOU may like it, however it triggers my very real traumas as well as those in my bloodline. Be respectful and keep that shit away from me. And for goodness sake, parents PLEASE dont raise your children to behave as such online. And no, being anon isnt actually fully anonymous. Also to send hate and threats anon is not only traceable but also cowardice. Grow a pair and find a hobby. I avoid my traumas for the most part. I will not allow you to weaponise or diminish my own or others experiences for your fictional based gratification. Likewise, if it becomes canon, I’ll just make an AU where it is not. Simple. You can hate it but Im not your personal circus so go be toxic elsewhere. IF you like HD and follow me, honestly... Youre probably better to unfollow as I am deeply and passionately against it and stolitz, and valvox, and am very vocal on that. Dont mistake my traumas and discomfort as a personal attack - and dont personally attack me over it either. And before anyone claims homophobia, no. This is nothing to do with sexuality. You arent the victim. If you love these pairings with your soul to the point of a ‘stan’, then youre best off unfollowing because I really am too old for extremists and rabid fans more crazed than the infected in REC. Also I never used to hate angel but now... Fans behaviour is abhorrent and hes so over saturated that I honestly really dislike him now. Doesnt mean you have to hate him too, but just bloody respect that angel isnt loved by all, he can be triggering to some as well as toxically enabling [incl. past addicts], a vile homophobic gay stereotype and just overall a lack of knowledge and respect of sex workers as a whole. When you know a lot of the ins and outs and victims, it’s hard to overlook. I respect your triggering ships by avoiding that mess. Respect others.  The problem with Viv - and I will elaborate in the future - is that your audience is often a reflection of your work and it’s message/presentation. And most of the fandom Ive met are awful. Honestly, though lonesome I find more comfort keeping distant from fandoms because yall often extremely toxic and petty. Perhaps others have had better experiences than I however Im drawing a line in the sand. For MY sake. I’m annoyed with virtually anyone I sense great potential in that becomes wasted. Im angry at Viv because she can do so much better but is blocking HERSELF. This is from a creative and business mindset. When someone has potential that gets wasted - especially creatively - it burns me. Im just passionate on artistic fields. It doesnt mean I hate them. I hate the waste of full potential.

I’ll state things here people disagree with but encouraging harassment, hate or just being an overall cunt just aint on- It’s like people charade as being this fair being but its all bullshit. Self improve and sod off, I do NOT have time to parent you online. 

And obviously there are RL duties I must fulfil. Some in which I will need the publics assistance for if you can spare it. Overall, Im just... Fandoms behaviour generally disgusts me. Disappoints me. We SHOULD be better than this. It’s like listening to bloomin incels rant on fuckin chad or some bullshit pill theory instead of looking to improve themselves too. Honestly... I do mostly acknowledge my own flaws and faults and try to improve each day. It just feels fewer folk see that in themselves and do the same. And that’s coming from an old cunt whos far from fuckin perfect. Also, my fuckin laptop broke so I waited a week for a bloke nearby to fix it. What a fuckin lifesaver, he’s the real mvp!

Also Also, one of you did privately apologise and I appreciate that. I certainly hope we agree to disagree and continue to grow as people on our separate ways. Trust me, I dont forget small acts like this. Even the trauma that caused and the aftermath, please dont think I dont appreciate the apology. However you’re also entitled to know that the forgiveness and healing side may take longer for me due to various factors that occurred - much that few are aware of, including yourself especially. I wish you well and safety.

Hip Happenin Now:

Still busy but slowly visiting. I’ll reply and reblog soon, be patient please. Ive still many things to sort which take priority as well as other things. Im trying to get money n shit for a future and whatnot. Health issues are strong in the blood rn and Im spending extended time with both Big and the other pets to keep up harmony, especially now that Big is accepting slowly that our porch is a welcome shelter for him and he’s free to leave and stay whenever. Trust me, overloaded isnt even the word. Im prepping shit early this year and from now on. Also, my God Ive been dealing with more physical issues as well and had to play doctor. May even need medical interference but holy shit I could never see this coming. Still... It’s... An experience- If you could call it that. Staying more active and healthy. Cat’s nearly clawed my eye out in my sleep (to which I can only presume Billy got too close or hyper) but it’s fortunate placement so Im alright. Most of my body is in pain to the point of absolute normality at this rate. And I plan to make space for a better altar. Future of the Blog: 

Errr, it’s my fuckin space so it’s whatever I want really. Ill still have my Viv rants (ie, pros and cons of her work, HH/HB, other shit like that) however I just really dislike most the fandom at this point as well as the poor management and lack of professionalism and attitudes of staff. It’s just draggin me down and making me ill. I also want to showcase more of MY work (from redesigns to projects to some dumb 2am shit), cosplays, fashion, hobbies, spiritual practises - MY. SHIT. I feel like Ive strayed slightly. But I WILL be honest. And damn well will it upset people. And if it does and I’m genuinely ding something wrong/harmful - guide me patiently. Educate me. If it’s like this HD shit where Im not only allowed my opinions but justified on my traumas or mocking my disabilities or features, then just yeet yourself elsewhere. Also some of my gaming shit too. Getting to know folk who interact with my stuff and just... Create my space. For me. Something hopefully others can enjoy. Something that can function as a bit of an art portfolio as well. Critiques and whatnot.  But I will continually not stand for anyone’s shit or poor handling of serious matters. You will not cause me to doubt and invalidate my experiences like you have to others.  For now, Im tottering but slowly returning. For those who I previously and daily interacted with, I will get back to you. And Im sure you’re patient and understanding of my situation - it’s appreciated. But in terms of any fandom, more so if it’s known to be as hostile, I’d rather keep a healthy boundary between us. That’s for newer folk. Perhaps we may bond further and you’re welcome to try, however I do feel far safer not getting involved into other people’s shit any longer. I will put anon back on but any toxic shit will be reported as well as compiled so at least I have a reference on the actual toxic nature of fandoms. Likewise, Im slowly getting there but god theres a lot of fuckin work. So much that not even my closest friend has heard too much from me until recently. I’ll be returning to the grind for now as I have duties, as well as many demanding felines for my attention. Alongside some physical medical concerns which require additional care, I’ll be popping off now.  Im thankful for those who have checked in on me. I will reply shortly. Take care

Rick and Morty Season 3 Episode 6

episode breakdown....and by breakdown I mean me....im breaking down...into sobs and endless sadness and bitter impatient tears....its me. im broken down Stage 1: we see a combination of enlightened rick (er) and toxic rick (tr) trying to get through the trauma of whatever it is they have just survived. Tr would most likely start rampaging, cursing, breaking shit, and trying to kill off anyone around him in a homicidal blur until he calmed down, however er is probably in there wondering why they even did the stupid thing in the first place. Its not their place to meddle. They are an all powerful super being with highly superior intelligence, so why do they feel this horror and trauma for such a worthless gain? Together they neutralize into a 'drink until the pain is gone mentality' henceforth leading to our rick's alcoholism and ideology of the just 'dont think about it' mindset this is the rick we know. The push everything aside, drink, and dont think Stage 2: Tr separates. If you notice, the very first thing he screams when he wakes up is "morty", because naturally it is the first thing on his mind. He frantically searches for him and then calls him a worthless piece of shit, continuously bringing up how stupid and useless he is. This comes from his severe fear of detachment from morty if he were ever to become overly confident and decide he doesnt need his grandpas cool adventures or life style anymore. If a morty gets too confident, he leaves his rick and becomes a sociopath. Normal rick can relatively keep the urge to bring morty's confidence down under control, but tr impulsively spews it out, so damn afriad that morty will wake up and realize he doesnt need him at any moment. He constantly has to cry out and tell him that they need each other, in his own toxic way. Calling him 'a piece of shit' is basically begging him 'dont leave me' he has to make him think he needs him. got it? lets move to the next step of stage 2 tr constantly says things like "im a god" "im above this" "everyone around me is garbage" "you think normal people can do this?" so obliviously this is his narcissism and entitlement, but digging deeper it is also his sense of inner insecurity. now, you may say 'WHAAAT RENATA HOW CAN DAT BEEE?" well lemme splain. basically rick knows how smart he is, he knows how powerful he is, and he knows all the stuff he could do with this power and intelligence....but that's the thing, he really doesnt know all the stuff he could be doing, because he doesnt do it. running around in the toxic can, you can see him panicking, frantically working and running to make stuff and do things. He knows how great he is, but he has no idea how to use it or what he should be doing with it. Think about it, when someone tells you "ayy, your the smartest being in the multiverse and could probably cure the world of every sickness"....wouldn't YOU be a little overwhelmed? He has so much to live up to (an impossible amount) that he hides behind the idea that he doesn't care about any of it. He cant use his power to save the universe, so instead he claims he doesnt care about it. but deep down he feels bad, because he feels like everyone expects him to do something, when in reality theres way too much to do so, to sum up, Toxic Rick is made up of multiple other different things than just narcissism and selfishness and rage...just like toxic morty, he is also his burning insecurity in the fact that hes just a normal man, who happens to be the only person who could ever hope to save the universe....and yet he has no idea how to do it Stage 3: meet enlightened rick. You're thinking, "oh, so THIS is the side of rick that actually COULD save the universe if he wanted because he IS confident enough in his abilities, right?" well the answer is no. this rick doesnt have a flipping clue either. how would he? there is no possible way to save every single multiverse, but unlike tr, instead of letting it consume him in misdirected guilt and insecurity, he instead has (healthily) let it go. Hence the name, he is now 'enlightened' from the worlds problems because he has thoroughly let go of his human need to be the hero and instead surpassed it all in the 'i need not meddle' mentality. BUT. you might ask, "well renaaaatttaaa then why isnt this rick super healthy? why isnt he perfect? why does he seem so interested in getting his other half back?" welll my little reader I have some thoughts. Thought 1) er has no humanity, attachment, purpose, selfworth, or cosmic opinion in himself, the human race, or the universe. why? because he has officially decided that its all pointless anyway and most importantly (big dividing factor here) he is OK WITH THAT. he has accepted the fact that he has surpassed human attachment because he has accessed infinite realities and multiverses to the point where nothing he thought had meaning does anymore. To become fully enlightened, he has let go all of his family, emotions, and self doubts because frankly, he just doesnt give a damn. But in a healthy way? Hes just let it all go, unlike tr who insists he 'doesnt give a fuck' when in fact, he does give millions and trillions of fucks and it eats him alive with each passing day. thoughts 2) so why does er work to get the phone to connect and work at getting his other half back? well he says it right there in the episode when he and confident morty are sitting in the parking lot at school. He says "im accountable to my toxins, right?" he wants to rejoin because he knows that tr has all his intelligence, all his power, and all his guilt wrapped up into a big toxic package. What does this mean? Hes FUCKING DANGEROUS. thats what it means. er is so enlightened, that he knows letting tr do his worst will mean the end of the world. now, for a little while in the episode, he tries to reason with himself and say that he shouldnt meddle in this either, because why is tr any better or worse than he is? but eventually he realizes the truth that tr left unchecked, is bad news for everyone and not worth lying idly back to watch the universe(s) burn. Because yeah...they would all burn Stage 4: now lets watch these two adorable little super humans interact. tr sums it up perfectly when he says "this is the part of your pussy grandpa that keeps it real".....yup. Thats pretty much the whole concept. If youve been paying attention, youve probably already figured out that er isnt exactly as healthy as he thinks he is. The truh of the matter is just sitting back with your thub up your ass like "oh theres no hope in solving ALL the probems, so let me just not interfere at all" is a pretty effed up way to think. Without tr, he probably wouldnt do anything but stay at home with his family and like, build toys electric toys for kids or something. He wouldnt DO anything extraordinary for fear of messing up the fragile stuff of the universe. Tr reminds him what a waste it would be to live a normal life and ignore their vast power. however, tr doesnt know how to use it either, so hence, the fighting breaks out. basically, they just have no idea how to use there god-like intelligence, and it gets ugly for both. even er says 'that stuff is a part of us and we need to put it back.' he knows that in sense he needs it, otherwise his power will be wasted buuuttt.......tr doesnt feel the same way. tr believes that without er, he could possibly become a real man. a real human. a real person who maybe actually cared about things and didnt feel so 'above' everything and so detatched. like a god among people who couldnt really connect with anyone. he doesnt want to go back to that lonely life of being the only one in his realm. this is why he keeps trying to destroy him while er just wants to recombine. Honestly, er is in the right here, (obviously) because he can see the big picture of how they need each other. Also, fun snidbit, tr is clearly the fighter of the two....clearly....and the sexy maker too apparently.....hehe....good to know good to know.....ahem.....anywaaayyyyy but.....looky here.... here I bring you.... Stage 5:tr doesnt give a shit. he doesnt give a fuck, he doesnt give a....oh,....Beth's here?..... he....leaves. immediately. so, here is where we see tr's true weakness, and what er truly hates about himself. He can't even bring himself to be around Beth or put her in any sort of harms way, so he leaves the very second she walks in the door. what does this mean? it is tr, er, and our rick's one true weakness. Truth is, he really cant be fully enlightened and reach his maximum potential, because of his human attachment to his family. Tr probably feels so guilty about leaving Beth (even though it was probably his idea because he was terrified of hurting her) that he cant even stand to look at her. he leaves immediately even though he was technically winning. plain as day, he admits his own true weakness, he just cares too much about his family to ever become truly godlike and reach his full enlightened potential. tr is human, er is the god. but er can see enough of himself to acknowledge that he needs his human self to be a fully functional human being. to truly be...rick. Stage 6 (almost done) and here it is....the moment er truly finally actually comes to terms with the fact that his 'version' of 'health' was actually just what he thought was his true potential. But alas, because the machine choses your version of health based on what YOU think is healthy, this is the issue he realizes. he didnt become healthy, he became his full potential, minus the pain and limits of human emotion. but the truth is, a full, enlightened, god-like potential is kinda useless without compassion and empathy...isnt it? I mean, if you have the power to save, but you just dont care....then whats the point? He realizes that essentially a god that does nothing is no god at all, and even if tr is a toxic, guilty, confused, miserable man too overwhelmed by his own potential to actually fufill it, he will accomplish more than er ever will just because of that energetic will to survive and just flipping DO SOMETHING. he literally realizes in this one moment that he would probably never accomplish anything like this, not without that crazy, overwhelming, miserably human passion that tr harbors in his soul for his shitty life and shitty decisions. and this is when he knows that they have to reunite, just for the sake of not wasting his life. Stage 7: (my personal favorite) ah yes.....the climax of the story. where it all becomes clear. something I havent touched on yet (which i bet you thought i forgot about....you lil scamp) is why tr is trying to make the whole world toxic. Why? simple. he has mistaken his toxic qualities for his humaness. (which in a way is true, but he also got a bunch of bad shit that er probably spends most of his energy keeping on the down low) and so in tr's mind, he isn't 'toxifying' the world, he releasing people's true emotions and true selves. he releasing the raw humanness inside them so they dont have to deal with their superegos always judging them and telling them how to live. he is the id, in a way, freeing all the other id's from their superegos so the world can be a genuine, purely human world. However, obviously, without superego the people are monsters, hence the carnage of the toxified people. to him, this is his way of saving the human world by bringing out their true human nature. unfortunately true human nature is primal and disgusting, but shh.....dont tell him that.....poor innocent bean....look how proud he is.... so proud..... ahem....anyway back to the climax. so now er shows up again and starts talking, lets analyyyyze. first off, er has learned something very important.....its tr's one weakness that he displayed when best walked in, hes afraid of losing/hurting his family. So of course, he targets toxic morty. and er knows this because he doesnt care about morty WHY WOULD HE? there are millions and trillions of mortys. it is beneath his highly superior brain to care, but tr sees the little picture, and in the moment, he needs morty to support him. He needs to latch onto him. he needs the human comfort. he doesnt want to admit that, but he needs it more than anything else in his life. in fact, he needs it so much, he doesnt even think er has the balls to do it, because he thinks he needs it too....but thats just it....he doesnt. and he knows he doesnt need that human connection, which is why he knows he needs his other half back to need it for him and here we have the moment that literally made tears come..... "irrational attachments"......that line just really hurt me bro.....it hurt me good.....it got me right in the soul....yikes. too real. *sniffle* anyway, back to er's rant. he basically sums it up by saying "you are literally incapable of seeing the bigger picture" hence tr's irrational love and dependency for his family, even though er and tr both know there are infinite sanchez families with infinite different fates that they have no way in saving or interfering in any way, tr still for some reason feels emotion towards a morty that really isnt even THE REAL morty. but think about this....its the most insecure morty, right? the one that is the most insecure, helpless morty of them all....its the one that needs him the most. the one that is least likely to ever leave him....*more sniffles* so of course he cares about him. I mean....we've seen what morty is like without him.... i think rick put it best when he called him 'a tiny american psycho'.....which I mean, he would be, right? hes related to rick afterall. with just enough jerry to keep him insecure. at least jerry was good for one thing. and soooo....thats the wayyyyy the news goes. At the very end we see a reunited rick. he even says 'master of both worlds'...meaning he is once again human and god. id and superego, making one highly functioning ego. the rick we know and love. a beautiful mess. so the meaning my friends.....you really shouldnt hate the bad pats of yourself, because at the end of the day, its kind of what makes you....human. wow....this got really freaking long, and I didnt even get into my whole theory about our morty being evil eyepatch morty. (remember in evil eyepatch morty episode where rick says "a confident morty is bad news, ill tell you when youre older".....well I think we know what that means now) yikes....and i thought rick was a handful when he was cocky. so there you have it. Our bread and butter, our saint and sinner, our sexy grandpa and teenage rocker.....our super genius space alcoholic. our rick sanchez. a beautiful chaotic mess.  wubba lubba dub dub bitches.

hey heres some terrible horrible evil headcanons for evil devoured tamara

i was thinking abt evil devoured tamara…

well i think it would hurt a lot more if like, she wasnt actually evil when she was devoured.

like maybe she saved aaron and call from alex by literally tackling him into the void?

and alex died, but with his soul as a sort of counterweight tamara was able to survive the void. and instead of instantly killing her, it did worse.

the void is weird across time & space- it stays the same across all timelines- so the edges of the void are kinda funny. kinda separated from reality and time an shit.

well, my girl tamara disappears into the void, circa end of TBK, right.

aaron and call live- alex disappears, oh so mysteriously.

i think since he’s a Gold year and it was his decision to betray my boys when and where, he graduates the magisterium first.

“oh noo, masters”, he says, super smugly, “i don’t think i’ll be going to the collegium. who, me? wasted potential? nah, i just don’t think a career in magic is for me. i think i’ll take a sabbatical for a year or two, see whats out there. if you dont hear from me dont be surprised”, he adds, still sounding smug to the intelligent Reader.

(this is a great cover for kidnapping, or for if you’ve suddenly become dead thanks to being thrown in the void.)

nobody really notices alex is missing. they notice tamara missing.

call, grief stricken and idiotic, is about to confess to being Capt. Fishface, when aaron, ever the counterweight and moral compass, slaps a hand over his mouth and lies through his teeth. alma, everyones least favorite hedge witch, is about to object and accuse call of, like, sorcery or whatever, when aaron hits her with a Look™.

“alright, alma”, he says, totally gallant despite the loss of his best friend, “my fucking best friend is missing, dead, even, no thanks to you masters for keeping her alive, by the way, and you’re seriously accusing my other best friend, who you, by the way, made raise a fucking zombie, and is fourteen fuckin years old, btw, of being the worst person in magickind because you can’t tell when kids that are scared and trying to save their friends aren’t evil?”

master north begins to cry. alma is dissolved.

not really, but call fuckin wishes. call also wishes his cell phone wasn’t dead so he could’ve recorded aaron saying that. except, thats tangentially related to being capt. fishface, so he thinks of this and regrets it with a feeling in his stomach like worms nibbling on his large intestine.

three months pass in uneasy waiting. aaron and call grow inseparable, and most all of the magisterium kids quit talking to them. jasper takes tamaras death (its not been officially stated as a death, but when the boys were asked, one look at their eyes answered the question) pretty hard- hes quieter. call is paranoid, always looking over his shoulder, always afraid to trust anyone but his two friends and his dog.

there’s a spectre in aarons eyes.

he dreams of timelines where he is the dead one.

because that’s it, huh? it wasn’t aaron who died, after all. it was tamara.

aaron fails, as a friend. as a makar. (after TCG, he always thought he would be the dead one. it was destiny, right?)

and then, the three months pass, and on a mission, aaron, call, and jasper (and of course havoc) see the tall, white-clad girl with braids streaming from unseen winds through a gap in the trees.

they’re still bronze years.

she looks marginally older than them.

she isn’t facing towards them- they are curious. walk closer, but quietly. they sense something is wrong with the girl who stands in a sunny and eerily silent forest, who casts no shadow and is unnervingly still.

and then she turns, and tamara rajavi opens her many eyes (many more than she was born with, the anatomy of the eyes hidden by a smoggy darkness enveloping her skin and obscuring all but the glow of them) and smiles.

“did you miss me, boys?” she says, with all too much cheer in her voice for a dead woman.

…

actual stuff about my girl tamara because i am too dramatic for my own good:

shes Shadow Woman now. can’t whitewash what you can’t even register as anything more than unfathomable darkness! take that, cover artist.

so heres what i think went down:

that shit in TSM happened, all right, but it’s a doomed timeline. destined to be destroyed by paradox space, blah blah. tamara survives by virtue of ravan- fire, as are all the elements, are universal. all of the devoured have an uncanny knowledge of possibilities, because whenever the timeline branches off into a doomed offshoot, the memories are transferred to the devoured in the alpha timeline.

ravan, somehow, saves her sister’s consiousness. offers her a choice- you can save him. you can stop this all from happening, tam. but it’ll cost you dearly.

she ‘wakes up’ in her body from six months ago, with her hands on burning golden bars staring at ravan’s cage. it’s a reset point.

the days before alex’s betrayal, her magic is funky. unstable.

she throws herself into the void and kills him. the magic of his soul preserves her and the void doesnt consume her… it changes her instead.

she becomes the Devoured in place of alex. she isn’t dead, but its… weird. she’s not human anymore. too many eyes. she’s basically the embodiment of the malevolent void. alex’s soul sort of… became a part of her in exchange for her weird life/unlife. so she’s evil.

timelines blur. she’s the tamara of TSM, after all- so when she slips out of the void at a natural gateway, la rinconada (a place where a shit ton of chaos magic was used becomes a sort of leyline to the void. the magisterium is one of these places due to constantine, but its not the sneakiest of spots), it’s in her white fourth years uniform.

she’s learned personal responsibility- thats what earned her it, after all. its kind of a joke to her.

DUDE. WRITE. A. FIC.