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lyrical-panic · 3 years

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Iida X Non-Binary (AFAB) Reader

Welcome to Lyric isn’t going to work on their requests, but instead going to write self-insert Iida fan fiction because they need the serotonin.

Summery: Iida thought he was confident in his sexual identity, but when he befriends a non-binary classmate and starts to catch feelings, he begins to question himself.

Warnings: AFAB non-binary reader, female presenting, body dysphoria, misgendering, mentions of anxiety, swearing (like one “damn”)

Note: this also includes my Iida sexuality headcanons. If you disagree with me, then that’s fine, but please don’t come at me. I don’t want to argue with anyone.

Masterlist

When the new student arrived, Aizawa pawned them off on Iida to show around

He was a little confused when he was first meeting you

You looked feminine, but you were wearing the pants with your uniform

He didn’t say anything about it, but you could see the wheels turning in his head

When you gave him your name, he noticed the tiny smile that flickered across your lips when you added “You can use me first name, though. I prefer it.”

“It’s a nice name,” Iida admitted, extending a hand for you to shake

“Thanks,” you grinned, grasping his hand “I chose it myself!”

He blinked in surprise, but again, refrained from commenting

He took you on a walk around the campus, pointing out the cafeteria, classrooms, teacher offices, and the dorms

As he ended the tour, he asked you if you had any questions or concerns.

“Not about the school, but....”

“Yes? You can ask me anything.” Iida prompted.

You smiled nervously. “I don’t have a question, but can I tell you something?”

“Certainly.”

“I was gonna tell you earlier, but I got a little anxious.” You shrugged with a little laugh. “But I use they/them pronouns.”

Iida’s brows furrowed. “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I know what that means.”

“Oh, that’s ok. It just means that I go by they instead of she. I’m non-binary.” You explained.

“Oh, so you don’t identify as a girl or a boy?”

“Yeah!”

“So when you said that you picked your name yourself, you weren’t just joking?”

“Nah, I was totally serious.” You chuckled.

“That makes a lot more sense,” Iida exhaled. “I see. Thank you for telling me. Would you like me to tell the rest of the class, as well?”

“Could you, actually? I’d feel a lot better if you did. Or- at least, if you were there while I did it.”

“I’d be happy to! Anything to make you feel more comfortable.” Iida gestured wildly with his arm while you watched in amusement. “I’d like to welcome you again to Class 1-A. I hope we can become great friends, (Y/N).”

You bounced on your toes in excitement, grinning. “Thank you, Iida! I think I’d really like to be your friend, too.”

After class that day, Iida gathered everyone in the common room, and stood by you as you introduced yourself with your pronouns

Everyone was understanding, and you relived when you only had a few questions about your gender identity and pronoun usage

Iida attached himself at the hip with you after that day

He couldn’t quite explain it, but he liked being around you. You were funny and thoughtful, and he found he quite enjoyed talking to you

You found that you appreciated Iida’s earnestness and sense of loyalty. It was refreshing to have someone so willing to stick up for you

You weren’t misgendered very often, but sometimes on of your classmates would slip up

When that happened, you didn’t say anything, but Iida could see the betrayal flash across your face

That’s when Iida would step in and correct them

His confidence helped to build your own, so you became better about correcting people yourself

It took him a while, but Iida started to notice his feeling towards you shifting

Iida checked his watch again. You were cutting it close. It was two minutes to the bell and you where still nowhere to be seen. Just as he was about to pull his phone out to text you, you stormed in.

Iida stood to scold you for your near-lateness, but stopped short when he saw you were wearing a skirt, which he hadn’t ever seen you do before. Then he noticed that your eyes were red.

“Are you alright? You’re almost late! What happened?”

The questions came too fast. You shook your head frantically, reaching up to catch his flailing arms. “I forgot to wash my pants over the weekend, I’m stuck with the skirt today.” You sounded miserable.

“Are you okay? Is there anything I can do?” Iida asked, more gently this time.

“Unless you can magically conjure me up some pants, then no.”

“I-I could go ask Yaoyorozu to make you some?”

“No, I don’t wanna bother her.” You shrugged, whipping your nose on the sleeve of your blazer. “I’ll live.”

He reluctantly let you go to your desk, watching solemnly as you shuffled away. He heard you sniffle, and he felt his heart explode into a million pieces.

A few hours later when it was time for training, you couldn’t get into your gym uniform faster

Iida noticed how you seemed much happier once you’d changed into the gym pants

He hadn’t missed your unhappiness all day long, you wore your heart on your sleeve

Gym was the last thing you had that day, so when class was released, you ducked into the changing room to grab your uniform, but didn’t bother changing

This also did not escape Iida’s notice

Neither did your immediate disappearance into your room upon reaching the dorms

Something painful tugged in his gut as he watched you speed-walk into the elevator

He considered going to check on you, but figured it may be best to leave you alone for a while

He tried to do homework, but his mind kept wandering back to you. After an hour of trying to school his thoughts back to his work with little success, he gave up and texted you

Can I come up to your room? I can keep you company if you’d like it.

He waited impatiently for your answer, staring daggers at his phone until you replied

Sure. I think I’m done being alone rn

Needing no further prompting, Iida was barely able to restrain himself from flying out of his room

When he arrived, you didn’t talk about what had happened that day. You just hung out. You did homework together, and talked about mindless things

Iida got the feeling you were very pointedly not talking about what had happened, so he didn’t push it, until......

“Iida, do you think I looked too much like a girl this morning?”

He startled, surprised by the question. “When you had the skirt on?”

You nodded, fisting the material of your sweatpants between your fingers.

Iida considered. There was clearly a right answer here, whether you intended there to be or not. “I don’t know. I don’t think I’ve ever perceived you as a girl. You wearing a skirt didn’t change anything, at least not for me.”

You laughed incredulously, voice cracking. “I’m glad at least you thought that. I felt like I wanted to rip my damn skin off.”

His face softened, and with only a moment of hesitation, he allowed himself to take your hand. “I’m sorry you felt uncomfortable all day. You really don’t deserve that. Your dysphoria does not define you, though. I can’t possibly imagine what it’s like to be trapped in a body you don’t belong in, but that doesn’t make your gender identity any less valid, (Y/N). It doesn’t make you any less non-binary.”

You sniffed, nodding weakly. “Thank you Iida. Can I hug you?”

“O-of course!”

Iida forced his body to relax as you melted into him. It wasn’t difficult, just foreign. He wrapped his arms around you, placing a hand gently on the back of your neck. You sobbed quietly, burrowing further into him.

“I’m sorry,” you choked out. “It’s just been a tough day.”

“I know. And it’s okay.” He whispered back, rubbing your back reassuringly. “You don’t need to apologize. You’re more than okay.”

As you sat crying quietly, Iida gently rocked you back and forth, continuing to whisper comforting things into your ear. He sat there, holding you, and it was then he realized that if he could spend the rest of his life holding you like this, he’d die a happy man.

Once Iida realizes that he likes you romantically, he kinda panics a little

Not just because he’s caught feelings (though that’s definitely a contributing factor)

No, he’s nervous because all his life he thought he was straight, and now he’s fallen for you; a female presenting person

So.... does that mean he’s inadvertently perceiving you as female???

He’s not, but he doesn’t know that at first

He’s so friggin ashamed of himself, bless his heart

Poor boy wants to respect your identity, so he’s terrified that by having a crush on you, he’s doing the exact opposite

While he’s having this crisis, he accidentally throws himself right into another one

He thinks back to people he’s had crushes on or at least found attractive over the years, and makes a mental list

The girl from his first year of middle school, the boy at the coffee shop, the boy who transferred into his class in the last year of middle school, that one androgynous kid from the entrance exam who’d sat a few seats away from him....

How did he ever assume he was heterosexual??

It was the hetero-normative society we live in, that’s how

In any case, Iida is now having an identity crises, and is unsure of how to label himself

On the plus side, he’s now confident that he likes you for who you are!

So it is only with a minimal amount of nervousness that he brings his revelations about himself and his feelings to you

“You can just slap on the label “queer” and call it a day,” You suggested, sipping your tea pensively. “if you’re getting too worked up about it.”

“You’re so confident about who you are, though. I wish I had a definitive answer about myself like you do.” Iida lamented.

“Not everyone is like that, and that’s okay. It’s okay to be unsure about your identity. Some people don’t even feel comfortable putting labels on it.”

Iida mulled your words over, swirling the tea in his mug. “I guess I’m.... queer then.” He said, the words feeling like a weight off his shoulders.

“I’m really proud of you, Iida.” You clapped him on the back, grinning. “It takes a lot of courage to accept yourself like this.”

“Thank you. I’m certainly going to need courage to tell you this next thing.”

“What, there’s more?” You chuckled, eyebrows thrown up. “How many confessions can you make in one night?”

“Just one more,” He smiled tightly, trying in desperation to still his racing heart.

“Out with it, then.”

Iida squeezed his eyes shut. “I want you to know that this doesn’t have to change anything between us. I really like you a lot, more than I like my other friends. You were the reason I started to question myself, actually.”

You blinked. “You mean... you have a crush on me?”

“Yes.”

“And I was you sexual awakening?”

“Also yes.”

You laughed suddenly, the noise startling Iida into opening his eyes. “I don’t know my own strength!” You gasped, clapping your hands.

Iida felt himself relax infinitesimally. Your reaction seemed like a positive one, but he still wasn’t sure how to read it. “You don’t have to return my feelings, I apologize if I’ve made things awkward.”

“Okay, but what if I do return your feelings?”

“You- what?”

You took both of his hands in your own, squeezing them gently. “I really like you too, Iida.”

His whole body practically deflated in relief. “Oh, thank god. That was stressful. Thank you, (Y/N).”

You laughed again, prompting Iida to chuckled a little, too. “You are very welcome, Tenya.”

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lucemferto · 3 years

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WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT PH1LZA (or Why Philza is a Victim of Narrative Circumstance)

Heyo! Per request I am posting the script to my video of the same name here on tumblr. I must warn you that just reading the script will probably not give you the full experience, so I would encourage you to watch the video (linked above).

There might also still be a lot of grammatical errors in the text, because I don’t proofread.

Intro

LAST TIME ON LUCEM FERTO

Okay, so! I don’t want this to turn into a reaction channel OR a Dream SMP channel for that matter! [echo]

Well, I lied.

[Intro to “Luc is pretentious about the funny blockmen. Episode 2”]

I swear, I’m working on other stuff. It’s just that my dumb lizard brain has only capacity for one interest at a time!

So, something you might not know about me, is that I am on tumblr – who am I kidding, most of you will know me from tumblr. Before starting this whole YouTube thing, I thought that website died years ago – but as per usual reality proves me wrong. I’m also on Twitter and Reddit, but I get the most engagement on tumblr – by far! – and I need those sweet, sweet numbers for the serotonin!

Anyways, one of my favourite past-times on tumblr is to razz Philza Hardcore Minecraft – that’s his full name – for being a frankly awful father [clicking away] – wait, wait, no! Philza fans, this isn’t a hit piece on him, I promise! Please come back!

This is video is meant to be a companion piece to my previous video about Technoblade and the Doomsday event – you can tell by the shared nomenclature – so you should probably watch that one before you proceed. Unless you don’t want to, which is also perfectly understandable.

DISCLAIMER: This video is mostly about the character Philza plays on the Dream SMP. Whenever I talk about the content creator Philza, I will say so properly. Also, Spoiler Warning for Dream SMP Season 2.

… What is that? You’re wondering what the Dream SMP is? Well, if you had just watched the other video like I told you to do, you would know, because I explained it pretty well there. But in case you don’t know, here’s the cliff notes.

Dream SMP is the hottest New Media Series on Twitch right now! It has it all: gaslighting, child soldiers, Machiavellian political intrigue, Hamilton roleplay, desecration of the dead, shounen protagonists, SO! MUCH! AMNESIA! Filicide, furries, a red egg that’s definitely homophobic and teenagers inventing nuclear warfare. And it’s all done in Minecraft – yes, the funny block game where the only way to emote is to crouch.

And you say the perfect brief doesn’t exist!

Now, you might be wondering, why do I want to talk about this? Well, it’s because Content Creator Philza is one of least controversial internet personalities that I can think of. That man exudes pure comfort. So, it’s just very, very amusing to me that his character became one of the most controversial figures on the SMP, only outshone by Tommy and Technoblade.

And it’s not just amusing, it’s also extremely interesting! I want to dig deep to uncover and discuss the dynamics behind why that is. How did it come to this point? How did a man who appears genuinely so pleasant create a character that inspires so much discourse!

Now, if you watched that Technoblade video – like I told you to twice now! – you might know, that I am the resident character analyses hater of fandom! And that impression is false and slanderous! Don’t tell other people that I hate character analyses! I love them!

It’s just that, in the Dream SMP in particular, there is an abundance of character analyses! Every streamer has at least two very good essays written about them, exploring every possible angle to view their characters and backgrounds and everything. All I’m saying is: I don’t have anything to add on that front.

So, instead I want to pursue a different approach – something, that I feel is a bit underrepresented in the fandom! And I’m not just talking narrative analysis – that’s right, this episode we’re going even more pretentious! – I’m talking Transtextual Analysis!

Now, what is Transtextuality? Well, unfortunately it has very little to do with actual Trans people – #transrights, just in case that wasn’t obvious – but instead describes a mode of analysis with which to put – to quote French literary theorist Gérard Genette – “the text in a relationship, whether obvious or concealed, with other texts”.

Basically, you know how the L’Manburg War of Independence heavily quotes and borrows from the hit musical Hamilton? That’s transtextuality! A lot of the analyses surrounding how Tommy mirrors the Greek hero Theseus, who was invoked by Technoblade multiple times in the series, are already doing transtextual analysis! So, it’s really not something that’s new to the Dream SMP fandom.

But how does this apply to Philza and how he is looked at and judged by his parental skills? Well, there are multiple forms of transtextuality, two of which we will discuss today.

But before we continue, I gotta do that annoying YouTuber thing. I know these videos don’t look like much, but I spend a really long time making them. I work fulltime and I try my best to keep up, but sometimes I can’t. So please, like, subscribe, comment to give me some algorithm juice – I really need it – and most importantly share it! Share it with your friends, share it with your family – I’m sure Grandma is very interested in what I have to say about Philza Minecraft.

And I’m trying to be better! If I sound at all different for this video, it’s because I finally bought a new pop filter, so I can hit my plosives without it sounding like there’s a thunderstorm in my room. I hope it makes a difference; it was a very cheap pop filter, so maybe it doesn’t. Maybe it sounds worse – that would be bad!

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, CHILD NEGLEGT!

Intertextuality: Why is Dadza?

You know what’s really interesting about the Dream SMP – aside from, you know, most things about it? Very few of the characters have concrete, fleshed-out backstories – and that’s pretty weird! In no other medium or genre could you get away with something like that – at least for long-form storytelling!

So, how does Dream SMP get away with this? Well, it’s because every character on the Dream SMP is basically a self-insert – and I don’t mean that in the “This character is based on me”-kinda way, but in the “This character, for all intents and purposes, is me!”-way. This, like many things that are fascinating about the Dream SMP, is owed to the fact that this series didn’t start off as a continuous drama – it started off as a Let’s Play.

And while we can talk about how someone’s on-camera/on-mic persona is in some ways a character, it’s still miles off of being an actual, fully-realized, separate character in a storyline.

This is where Intertextuality comes in.

Intertextuality is a subset of Transtextuality. It describes how the hypertext, which is the text, you’re currently engaged with, uses another text, the hypotext, to supplement itself. The interconnection the hypertext establishes with the hypotext, through stuff like allusion for example, uh-hum [Hamilton], can colour how an audience interprets the hypertext. Basically, Hamilton and Theseus are the hypotexts; the Dream SMP is the hypertext.

So, what does this have to do with backstory? Simple: The backstories of the characters in the Dream SMP consist basically of nothing but intertextual references. Through intertextuality their content effectively substitutes their character’s backstory.

You can see it everywhere. Wilbur’s and Schlatt’s relationship and rivalry is hugely enriched, if you are aware of their shared history like SMPLive, for example – I think anyway. I haven’t watched SMPLive, because … there’s only so many hours in the day and I cannot keep up with the Dream SMP and catch up on SMPLive and live a healthy life – which I already don’t do, so…

BadBoyHalo’s and Skeppy’s relationship, which has become the crux of the Crimson-Storyline of Seasons 2 and 3, is hugely supplemented if you know that they’re also very close as streamers and in real life.

Another great example of intertextuality is basically Technoblade’s entire deal. If you just look at him completely within the text of the Dream SMP and try to transplant his entrance to any other medium: It would be extremely weird! Like, he’s just this guy that comes in in the middle of a very climatic arc, no build-up, no explanation what his deal is, and he’s treated like he has always been there. In any other medium that just wouldn’t work – at least not without a flashback or some sort of exposition!

But because of stuff like Minecraft Mondays, the Potato Wars, his Duel against Dream and SMPEarth, we understand that he is a Big Deal!

Anyways, to bring all of this back to Philza Minecraft: What kind of hypotext informs how the audience sees his character? Well, this is where I will have to talk about SBI.

SBI is an acronym that stand for State Bank of India, the 43rd largest bank in the world and…

It also stands for Sleepy Bois Incorporated. Sleepy Bois Incorporated is a loose assembly of content creators, consisting of Philza, Wilbur Soot, TommyInnit and Technoblade. It is most well-known for its very endearing family dynamic – a dynamic that is frequently acknowledged and played up by the creators involved. Tommy is the youngest brother, Wilbur and Techno are the two older brothers and Philza is of course the dad. And when I say, it’s played up, I really mean it! Wilbur seems to be especially enamoured with the idea and leaves no opportunity untaken to bring it up – which we will come back to.

And I’m not saying that they’re faking this and this is somehow an act. While I know none of these people personally, it appears to me, that this is genuinely how they interact – if a little exaggerated for the streaming experience. Even when they’re not consciously playing into the family dynamic, their interactions still very much lend themselves to that interpretation by the viewers.

Philza especially just radiates Dad-Friend energy – so much so that it has become a huge part of his brand identity – yay, I can bring that back (check out my Christmas video if you want to hear me ramble about that). The nickname Dadza stuck even before SBI was a thing.

So, even if we completely disregard SBI – which we shouldn’t for reasons I’ll get back to – Philza has cultivated an image of strong paternal guidance. He is, in my opinion completely deservedly, regarded very positively. He is highly respected and in turn seen as a voice of reason.

All of this would eventually inform the hypotext of the character Philza within Dream SMP.

Interlude: Before Dadza & November 16th

Okay, so now we have established that a) Dream SMP heavily hinges on intertextual readings by the audience to supplement character backstory and b) that Philza’s entire deal is that he’s the dad-friend – more specifically that he’s the dad of SBI (not the bank). I think you know where this is going.

So, yeah, ever since it was on the table that Philza could join the Dream SMP, it was immediately assumed that he would take on the paternal guardian role all these traumatized people on that server so desperately needed – and with good reason! Like I said before, the audience at this point was trained to take intertextual interpretations as basically canon or at the very least canon-adjacent.

I want to emphasize that this is most likely not done deliberately. I’m sure content creators Wilbur and Philza didn’t sit there and said: “Yes! We will rely entirely on the audience’s inclination to interpret our characters intertextually to define character Philza!”. Like, obviously that did not happen.

But it’s also important to remember that unlike with traditional media and the fanbases cultivated there, the separation between the Dream SMP and its audience is almost non-existent – and purposely so. The story events are streamed live, Chats are acknowledged in canon and even outside of livestreams creators are extremely involved with the fandom. So, the weight of fan-expectations is equally amplified and will more likely be incorporated into the writing process. Case in point:

[Wilbur “I miss Philza”/Philza about Wilbur]

During Wilbur’s villain arc, even before his official involvement, Philza became a prevalent point of discussion. The hope that he would be the one to snap Wilbur out of his downward spiral was not only wish-fulfilment on behalf of the fans; it also very much played off of the intertextual reading of the SBI-dynamic in relation to the Dream SMP.

Of course, this still doesn’t make Philza and Wilbur canonically blood-related – but it definitely used the “paternal”-dynamic of SBI to build-up tension and drama.

And that ultimately brings us to November 16th. The Grand Finale of Season 1 and Philza’s first canonical appearance on the SMP.

Now, for this I want to pull back from the transtextual analysis and talk about simply narrative analysis: What is Philza’s narrative purpose on November 16th?

Philza serves as the last threshold on Wilbur’s Villain’s Journey – to appropriate Vogler’s version of the monomyth for a minute here – he is what Vogler calls the “Threshold Guardian”. He is the last enemy the Hero faces before completing his quest – in this particular case Wilbur’s quest is to blow up L’Manberg. Multiple people have at this point tried to dissuade him from this course of action: Tommy, Quackity, Niki and others. So how come this Philza moment is not redundant in terms of dynamics compared to these prior scenes?

Well, it’s through our intertextual understanding of Wilbur’s and Phil’s relationship. Because Philza does not just occupy the role of the Threshold Guardian – he is also implicitly the Mentor. Before Phil there was no character in the storyline that held a higher position of moral authority than Wilbur – Dream and Schlatt, while at points more powerful in terms of actual authority, were never positioned by the narrative as Wilbur’s superiors in the same way as Wilbur was to Tommy, Tubbo or even Niki.

Before November 16th all challenges Wilbur faced were from people narratively subordinated to him. But that trend is broken with Phil. That is why he is the Threshold Guardian, why this confrontation is at the climax of Wilbur’s arc. Because Phil is the last thing tethering Wilbur to whatever morality he held before his villain arc; Phil is the last, moral obstacle Wilbur has to discard before gaining his reward.

And, just a quick sidenote, because I’ve seen it around the fandom a bunch: When I’m referring to Wilbur denouncing his morality, I’m using that in terms of narrative analysis. I’m mentioning it, because Wilbur’s character can very easily be read as mentally ill or neurodivergent and some people have – rightly! – pointed out that the excessive vilifying when talking about his character is … problematic, to say the least.

So, I just want to make clear, this isn’t a character analysis, I’m being purposely broad when talking about Wilbur and Phil.

In the end, Wilbur takes that final step and gets his “reward”: As his final request his mentor takes his life and vanquishes the evil – the dragon of Wilbur’s story slays the dragon of L’Manburg. It’s very Shakespearean in its tragedy – but beyond the larger theatrics it’s not really used to further characterize Phil – at least in the context of Season 1. There’s not a lot of focus on his characters internal conflict during November 16th.

Phil, like Techno, is very utilitarian in how content creator Wilbur writes him: He serves as a moment of hype; an obstacle Wilbur has to face; a participant in the tragic climax of Wilbur’s character and ultimately takes on his implicit and expected role of mentor and guiding figure to the rest of L’Manburg.

I think not a lot of people talk about how Philza does not join Technoblade during November 16th. He takes the side of L’Manburg – he fights against the withers and he joins Tommy, Tubbo and the others at the L’Mantree, thus framing him as loyal to the L’Manburg administration – even though Season 2 would make his loyalty to Techno central to his character. But more on that later.

What’s also important about November 16th is that this is the day when the general intertextual interpretation became canonized text.

[You’re my son!]

Wilbur is made Phil’s canonical, biological son. The intertextual interpretation of SBI as it pertains to these two characters on the SMP was completely reinforced by the narrative. Or to put it in Fandom terms: The headcanon became actual canon. At least when it came to Wilbur … but what about Philza’s “other” children?

Well, that leads to our second form of transtextual analysis:

Paratextuality: Is Dadza?

These titles are just getting better and better.

The Paratext is defined as all those things in a published work that accompany the text. It comes in two forms: One of them is the Peritext, which are non-diegetic elements directly surrounding the text – like chapter titles, author’s notes, and stuff like that. Translated to the medium of the Dream SMP, it would be stuff like this:

[Examples]

And, trust me, I could make a whole separate video about how people on the SMP use their peritext as a tool for storytelling – I’m looking at you, Ranboo – but that’s not what we will talk about in the context of Dadza.

Instead, we will focus on the second form of Paratext, the Epitext, which consists of all authorial and editorial discussions taking place outside of the text. That’s stuff like interviews, private letters or J. K. Rowling’s Twitter Account – you know, before she decided to become a full-time asshole.

[Wilbur: Transrights]

After Season 1 ended, Wilbur indulged pretty heavily in providing epitext for the Dream SMP, something he had not done prior to November 16th. His paratextual additions ranged from the playful, like assigning DnD alignments to various SMP members, to the extremely impactful, like the whole three lives system!

You probably think, you know where this is going. Wilbur provided some epitext about how Tommy and Techno either are or are not biologically related to him … and I have to be honest I thought that too. But then I began looking into the impenetrable web that is the SBI-canon on the Dream SMP and found this!

[Ghostbur explains family]

So, it wasn’t paratext, it was just straight text. Said in character, in canon, without any implication that we the viewers should question this. The text of the SBI family dynamic was explicitly linked to Dream SMP-exclusive lore, namely Fundy being Wilbur’s and Sally the Salmon’s son. This is as clear as Philza’s anguished declaration on November 16th in establishing the intertext as text. And because Wilbur also had a very heavy hand in the discussion of paratext around that time, it gave his character’s words even more “canonical” weight. Metatextually speaking, this very much read like the author giving exposition through his character – exposition that we should understand as reliable.

And, by the way, before I continue, I need to give a huge, huge shoutout to kateis-cakeis on tumblr, I hope I pronounced that right, who was just so quick in providing me with these crucial clips. Without him I would have looked for days because these people don’t archive their shit! And the Dream SMP Wiki was NO help, by the way! I love what you guys do, but stuff like this belongs in the Trivia section on characters’ pages!

Anyways, basically during the entirety of early Season 2 the SBI family dynamic was basically canon to the SMP. Sometimes it was only alluded implicitly, again letting the intertext fill out the rest.

[Philza clips]

But just as often it was just explicitly talked about – both in the text and in the paratext.

[Fundy clip/Wilbur “Twins” clip/Tommy clip]

So, I know what you’re thinking: “Why is this part called paratext, if the entire family tree is just textual”. Well, that last clip might give you a hint, as to what I will talk about. Notice how Tommy, one of the people most directly impacted by the canonization of SBI lore, is both unaware of and seems generally unenthused about it, to put it nicely? Well, that would soon turn out to be a much bigger deal than anyone could have imagined as he wasn’t the only one.

[Technoblade decanonizes SBI]

Yeah …

This happened on 20th of December. Regular viewers of this channel will remember that I put out a 90-second joke video, where I complain about this very development. And while I was mostly kidding around, the core idea is still true. The paratext provided by Technoblade and established text were in direct contradiction with one another – and that brought a lot of confusion into the fandom. Confusion, that would soon be followed by frustration.

Because Techno only decanonized himself as part of the SBI family dynamic – but what about Tommy and Tubbo, the latter of which was incorporated into the dynamic exclusively within the lore of the Dream SMP. Was this still canon or wasn’t it?

What followed was a muddled mess of contradictions, intertextual implications, text and paratext in conflict with each another. It was for the most part inscrutable to figure out how Tommy and Philza related to one another. I’ll spare you every comment made about this – mostly because I want to spare myself from looking for all of them.

In the end, the current status is that their familial relationship is … unclear. Philza said, again in paratext, that it’s ultimately up to the writers to decide, whether or not Tommy is his son … which, I personally think he and Tommy should be the ones to establish that, but I’ll come back to that later.

But why is all of this important anyway? Why would this ambiguity create such an uproar, such controversy – especially when it comes to Tommy’s character? What makes Tommy’s and Philza’s relationship such a target for discussion in the fandom?

Well … this is where we will have to talk about the storyline of Season 2.

Interlude II: Tommy’s Exile and Dadza in Season 2

Okay, Season 2. This is where the spoilers are, so I will just sneakily drop this again. It took me five seconds to google this gif and I will milk it for every penny it’s worth!

At the beginning of Season 2, Philza’s narrative role has not changed much from where Season 1 ended. He is in L’Manburg dispensing earthly wisdom, being a paternal figure to Fundy, Ghostbur and Tubbo, helping with the nation’s rebuilding efforts; just generally occupying the role of the mentor.

[clips]

And then came … the Exile. The Exile Arc took place between December 3rd and December 15th during Season 2 of the Dream SMP. It revolves around TommyInnit getting exiled from L’Manburg and slowly getting psychologically tortured and broken down by Dream. It’s a really great arc, at least in my opinion, that explores and deepens a lot of Tommy’s character relationships, whether that be Tommy and Dream, Tommy and Tubbo or Tommy and Ranboo. One relationship, however, is noticeably missing.

So, yeah, Philza spends basically the entirety of the exile doing pretty much nothing of consequence. And that’s not a problem specific to him – One big criticism I would levy against the Exile Arc is that a lot of characters are left spinning their wheels. Which is why we get zany stuff like El Rapids, Drywaters, Eret’s Knights of the Roundtable, Boomerville – anyone remember Boomerville, that was a thing for 5 seconds, wasn’t it? – basically a lot of storylines are started and then unceremoniously dropped. Now, I will talk more about this, when I make a video about Season 2 of the Dream SMP … in ten years, look forward to it.

In the case of Philza, this inaction was especially damning, because at this point it was still a considered canon that he was Tommy’s dad. So, the fans were left with a situation, where just a few weeks prior Philza was occupying a paternal role for Fundy and Ghostbur … but now, that his youngest son was in a very concerning predicament – to put it lightly – he was nowhere to be found.

So why is that?

Well, the most obvious answer is that Dream and Tommy didn’t write him into the storyline. We’ve seen that Tommy wasn’t particularly interested in exploring a familial relationship to Philza, at least at the time. And it would just not fit in with what Dream and Tommy tried to do with the Exile Arc: they wanted to tell the story of Tommy being isolated, completely under Dream’s mercy, slowly worn down and manipulated. If Philza had been constant presence for Tommy during that time, it would have definitely shifted the narrative focus. That doesn’t mean that they couldn’t have done that, it’s just a matter of fact that they didn’t.

This also reveals another truth about content creator Philza’s character work, that I think is extremely crucial: He takes what the writers give him. Outside of a few choice moments, he doesn’t seem particularly interested in expanding or even solidifying his character on the SMP.

What I’m saying is that he is very go-with-the-flow: Wilbur wants to enact a Shakespearean tragedy? Philza’s up for it. Fundy wants him as a parental figure and mentor? Philza’s here for him. Tommy, conversely, doesn’t want him as a paternal presence, even though it would make sense for Philza’s character, as it was established so far, to be there? Philza will oblige.

The reason I’m mentioning this is because, while Tommy and Dream were unwilling to utilise Philza in their storyline, someone else was more than happy to. Which leads us back, like it always does, to everyone’s favourite Porky Pig-kinnie in a crown: Technoblade.

Technoblade and Philza, from everything I’ve seen of them, seem to be very good friends – and they share a lot of history even outside SBI. So, it’s commendable that they would collaborate on a storyline together.

A consequence of that, however, is that Philza’s narrative purpose shifts completely with very little transition. His entire character changes from being the Mentor-figure of L’Manberg to being pretty much exclusively defined as Technoblade’s ally; his man on the inside. It is a very sharp turn from the end of Season 1. Their relationship is once again informed via intertext – this time the Antarctic Empire on SMPEarth serves as the hypotext – but there isn’t a huge effort made to smoothly integrate that aspect of Philza’s character into the larger narrative framing around him.

How much the narrative utilisation of Philza has shifted can be very easily observed through the Butcher Army event on December 16th, a story event that I like less and less the more I think about. Here Philza is used to show just how corrupt and violent Tubbo’s administration has becomes. He is no longer the respected mentor, he is now the stand-in for the oppressed populace, similar to Niki’s role in Season 1. On a narrative level, he is here to prove a point.

If you’ve seen my Technoblade video, you know how I feel about … just that entire storyline, so I will not reiterate too much on it. I just want to make clear that I’m not principally against this development – if they wanted to truly explore Tubbo going down a dark path and getting corrupted by power, so much so that he would even treat the person who effectively raised him like a prisoner, I would be extremely here for it, I cannot stress that enough.

The problem I have is that it’s just so sloppily done. It is not coherent with how these characters behaved and, more importantly, how they were narratively framed prior to the Butcher Army event. Fundy gets one token line about Phil being his Grandfather – a far cry from the very emotionally complex relationship they had established at the beginning of Season 2 – and Phil then callously disowns him.

The major problem simply is that we don’t see how Philza changes from Mentor-figure to embittered, oppressed citizen. And there was enough time to build to that. During the entirety of Tommy’s exile Tubbo was pretty much spinning his wheels and Quackity and Fundy were opening up plot cul-de-sacs that didn’t end up going anywhere. This is time they could have spent on developing their relationship to Philza and the dark path they were going down – but again, Season 2 video.

There is not much to say on Philza’s narrative purpose and framing beyond the Butcher Army event. He remains pretty much exclusively Techno’s consigliere with his role as Mentor to L’Manburg a distant memory. He has some cute character moments with Ranboo, because content creator Philza is just big dad-energy whether he wants to or not, and whenever he and Ghostbur share a scene suddenly the narrative remembers that there are people other than Technoblade that should exist in Philza’s inner world. But aside from that, Philza’s storyline in Season 2 remains … pretty definitive is the nicest way I can put it.

Most importantly his relationship with Tommy continues to be completely unexplored – whether by chance or choice – and that combined with ever vaguer paratext leaves “Dadza” in a very peculiar situation.

Conclusion: Is Dadza a Good Dadza?

So, the question to end all questions. The big, obnoxious text, that I will probably have put in the thumbnail – I haven’t made it yet, but I know myself. The honest answer is: I couldn’t tell you.

I have, in the past, been expounding the virtues of narrative analysis. That is because I feel that Narrative Analysis and Textual Analysis, like in this video, can provide certain tools that Character Analysis lacks. Often times I see people trying to get at a writing problem or query and getting frustrated because they’re not using the toolset, they need to figure out what they want to figure out.

But I’d be a hypocrite if I pretended like everything could be solved through the modes of analysis I prefer. And I think the Dadza-issue is exactly such a case.

I set out to explore why the Philza-Tommy-“Dadza”-relationship has become so controversial. It’s a combination of expectations build up through intertextual readings, that were partly canonized – something that is very common for the Dream SMP – conflicting pieces of paratext, which only serve to muddle the issue further and a text that is not only completely uninterested in actually exploring Tommy’s and Philza’s relationship – as it stands right now they might as well be strangers, narratively speaking – but also completely changes Philza’s narrative purpose as it relates to characters like Fundy or Tubbo about half-way through with little to no transition.

That is why I say, that Philza’s character is a victim of narrative circumstance. Because unwittingly, through all of these factors and decisions, there is not coherent reading of Philza that frames his parental skills in a particularly kind light.

The question of how we can judge Phil as a paternal figure ultimately falls within the purview of the character analysis – and that’s a very multifaceted issue, highly dependent on which POV you focus on and how you interpret the other characters in that POV’s periphery.

To put my cards on the table, I think that Philza is a very flawed father/father-figure – and I find that absolutely okay. Flaws are the spice of character building. He is not Cinderella’s Evil Stepmother – but he’s also definitely not Mufasa. If we were to read Philza as a paternal figure, then he would have made a lot of mistakes and decisions to the detriment of his “children” – least of all everything that happened on Doomsday.

But I also have sympathies for Philza fans who are tired of the Dad-Debate and would like to have his character judged independent from his relationship to Ghostbur, Fundy, Tubbo and Tommy.

Ultimately, to bring it all to a point, I’d like to end with saying, that I think that Philza, out of all the characters on the SMP, has the potential to be on of the most intriguing, multifaceted ones. There are all of these different patches of story, character moments and narrative and transtextual implications, that, if brought together, could create a beautiful tapestry of the character Philza.

You have his relationship with Techno, which holds the potential for so much emotional conflict and vulnerabilities, you have his time as mentor of L’Manburg, which is just criminally underused; the complex relationship between him and Ghostbur/Wilbur; and – for me, personally – most intriguingly this weird, almost uncomfortably distant non-relationship with Tommy. That last one is intriguing to me, because it contrasts just so much with our intertextual understanding of the characters and streaming personas – and it just holds the potential for so much conflict, so much drama, so much angst. Which I live for!

And, yes, I do believe that most of this is narrative happenstance, that this was largely not intended by Philza or really any of the writers. It’s just what happens when hybrid-roleplay-improv a long-running, livestreamed storyline in Minecraft.

But I want them to realize the potential they have on their hands, because it could – with barely any adjustments – turn Philza from a victim of narrative circumstance to a champion of it!

Outro

Thank you so much for watching this video. Usually, I don’t record outros this standard, but after this beast of a video I felt it necessary. I hope that whether you’re a Philza fan or a Philza critical or just completely uninvolved in the whole thing, there is at least a little entertainment you could get from this.

I want to take this opportunity to say that my next few videos will probably not be Dream SMP related – a sentence which undoubtedly lost me a bunch of subs – simply because I don’t want to burn out on it. I genuinely enjoy watching the SMP and being exhausted by it would be something I wouldn’t want to force on myself.

But who knows what will happen? The Karl Jacobs video was something I did spur of the moment because the idea just came to me – so I can’t guarantee that the next video won’t be a three-minute joke about Purpled or whatever.

Anyway, my concrete plans for future Dream SMP videos are essays on Season 1 and Season 2 as well as one for Tales from the SMP.

Before that I have a longer video in the works, which I’ve already teased a bunch, so I hope it will finally be finished sometime. And I also may be working on something … eboys-related? Maybe. I’m not making any promises!

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abbyfreemansmind · 4 years

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I just wanna say that I live for your header. Everytime I look at it, I receive a rush of serotonin, I swear.

My header? “Don't trust atoms. They make up everything." or “Autistic, traumatized, disabled, 21. This Pride month, don't forget about our Black brothers, sisters and others. The first Pride was a riot and it changed history. The protests and riots going on now could very well mark a huge change as we know it - and hopefully for the better. Read my /byi before you follow me. It's for my personal protection and comfort. Read my Eddsworld AU over at eddsworld-late and participate in my self insert askblog over at absintheineddsworld. Icon by arsonhasbeencommitted.”?

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othersworldly · 5 years

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hello, hello, its the double pisces you litcherally never asked for. i went into the tags, found this serotonin gyllenhaal and then accidentally named him after the new, popular character he plays on turkish tv after googling male names for 1 hour straight. if that doesn’t just explain who i am as a person i don’t know what else will. i’m twenty-three and legally cannot do math or i will explode. thank you for dealing with me and sorry in advanced but i can’t and won’t be tamed.

ÇAĞLAR ERTUĞRUL, MALE, HE/HIM, HELLHOUND / deep in the pacific northwest lives KEREM HAZAR. i heard they’ve been living there for a year and last saw them hanging around mount peak cemetery, i think they might’ve been tending to the forgotten grave markers. at three hundred and eleven years old, rem doesn’t look a day over thirty. everyone around here always associates them with the phantom warmth of a flickering flame, the rich timbre of an old engine roaring to life, and the icy smell of spearmint. hope they enjoy their stay ! ( naomi, pst, she/her, 23 )

B A S I C I N F O R M A T I O N

LEGAL NAME: Kerem ‘Rem’ Hazar DATE OF BIRTH: December 12th / sagittarius GENDER | SPECIES | Male / Hellhound

LIKE[S]: Winning, the smell of leather, fruit punch DISLIKE[S]: Losing, Lack of effort, Intolerance, Cheating

FEAR[S]: no fears . *taxes* .. one fear.

PERSONALITY TRAITS: + CONFIDENT, STRONG-WILLED, SELF-DISCIPLINED – RECKLESS, OVERLY COMPETITIVE.

P H Y S I C A L I N F O R M A T I O N

HAIR COLOR: Brown EYE COLOR: Blue HEIGHT: 6′2″ BUILD: Athletic, Fit,

DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: he always looks well-rested. very sus

STYLE: grey henleys, grey jeans, worn docs, he’s a casual guy with casual style

TATTOOS/PIERCINGS: brand of the hunt on his left peck.

R E L A T I O N S H I P I N F O R M A T I O N

SEXUAL PREFERENCE: bisexual RELATIONSHIP STAT: legally allowed to leave if no one addresses him directly within 5 minutes of entering a room

pinboard //

more on rem

fire-fighter and certified emt

earth-toned babe who wears mostly greys and browns.

he wears glasses without a prescription because he thinks it makes him more approachable but he often just leaves them around and makes more work for himself by having to go out and hunt for them

lives in a one bedroom apt on the 8th floor of a moderately priced building that has a fire escape - which he uses more often the actual entrance

pet german shepphard named beef stew,

yes beef is a rescue and yes, sometimes rem can be found shouting beef around the block if the four year old pup gets out while he’s gone.

very easy going - he has few personal rules and a few things he stands his ground on but for the most part he’s agreeable and will go anywhere he’s invited.

loves carbonara

runs hot and likes winter but hates it at the same time because he has to carry a jacket around for looks. but on the bright side he always has a jacket for anyone who gets chilly

throughout the years he’s become really good at making bread. he proofs them in mason jars and holds them in his hands to cook them to buttery, flaky perfection

+ insert obsessive hobby here +

hellhound

other hellhounds know them as CEMRE a name they first picked up from a turkish mountain woman. she had muttered it softly at first, watching in awe and horror as they emerged unscathed from the flames that both announced their arrival on earth and wiped out an entire villiage in the frigid remnants of winter that is now known as february.

walks the line of true neutral and chaotic neutral

when actively hunting they are known to do whatever it takes. but when dormant, they are nonplused with the whims of the factions - as long as the supernatural world is properly hidden from the mass populace.

has a preference for ghosts over banshees, but likes both well enough.

thinks witches are good fun because the only one who could demand things of him died a hundred years ago

has no generalized notion about other hellhounds.

understands werewolves in a primal sense but finds them dramatic

not too keen on vampires because the dead should remain dead

actively hunting dragons

connection ideas

bed brewing & beyond - a witch or demon hook up that he can call on for big asks. or he could go out and fetch things for them for $$$ of course. like uber eats but its a nymph skull and he’s covered in blood and its the 90s

casually dating - needless to say, he’s thirty and not even married. so he’s basically on the verge of death or something right? lol . so they casually date and appear at functions together, but its nothing over the top. he has the worst hours but tries to make time for them -- is what im imagining. but we can definitely tweak this to fit ur muse.

TRINITY chasing divinity - i’ve been in love with the idea of angels, of these celestial beings and what it must be like to choke on humanity. so why not just force that on my muse lol. i’d love fo him to just be infatuated ( so no pressure of requited feelings or nothing ) with a creature that exudes purity when he himself was created by the combined power of a demon and a dark witch

dd - besides being, ya know, literal fire, his metabolism burns through everything like it’s nothing. so you can 100% invite him for a night out and he will be your designated driver -- unless he has work of course. then you can call him, wasted af, and he will use his 15 minute break to come get you and tuck you in to bed.

everlasting mario kart - i know mk didn’t exist in the 90s or whatever, but basically they’re both immortals so they can and should fuck each other up ( in a siblings type way ) but the stakes are higher because they can survive most blow backs.

good omens - except we’re not on either side, we don’t care about the kid, and you’ve burnt the popcorn. good going paul

DRU AGOSTI lighthouses in the night -- i’ve been alive for a long time, you’ve been alive a long time. STOP MENTIONING THE TIME I WAS AN ICELANDIC SHEEP FARMER I WAS UNDERCOVER Jfc, yes of course i still know the best way to make sheep milk fuck you. wishing you a crap equinox you smug bitch

same face who dis - obvi has to be someone who can die but. he swears he’s seen you before. its just wild that you look so familiar. you remember me right? and he keeps on call ing your muse the wrong name and unlearning the things that he had previously learned. super flexi back story. heck i’ll even take two if people like it. could be exes, enemies, they fought in a war together and were brothers, they sailed across the ocean and it was very gay and also someone had scruvy? so many options! too many to list!

supermassive blackhole -- please invite him to the vampire baseball games. he can keep up i promise!!

or let’s brainstorm?! im bi and a pisces so i will just be happy for the attention honestly.

that’s it. that’s all i could think of during dbd. i will add more as i think of them/as we plot some out. i’m going to shower and eat an ice cream sandwich . peace out my dudes catcha ya on the other side

#inferisintro

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ao3feed-danganronpa · 3 years

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i crumble completely when you cry

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/3nopfeE

by paulmcmuffin

Hajime can't sleep and goes for a walk on the beach. He finds you there, crying.

Words: 1680, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Fandoms: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Super Dangan Ronpa 2

Rating: General Audiences

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories: Gen

Characters: Hinata Hajime

Relationships: Hinata Hajime/Reader

Additional Tags: this is the most self-indulgent shit ever, I wrote this for myself, i love hajime hinata more than life itself, i swear just hearing his name makes my brain release so much serotonin, whenever things get rough for me i always think of him, this is my ode to hajime hinata, song: 505 by arctic monkeys, Crying, Comfort, Reader-Insert, gender neutral reader

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/3nopfeE

#IFTTT #ao3feed #fanfic #dangan ronpa #danganronpa #dr

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randoreviews · 7 years

Text

AT THE J.CREW

If you’re a guy going to a wedding you have to wear pants, only an asshole would wear shorts. I’ve yet to see that, I’m still waiting. (I’ve seen kilts but that doesn’t count, that’s a whole other thing.) To be honest I kept popping the button on my old khakis. Lower body workouts, man, they actually work. The kids call it gains. In other writings I’ve documented how I’ve actually ripped the ass in a pair of khakis, getting into a cab on my way to a wedding. (The bride thought it was in vogue at the time since I was coming from L.A... bless her heart.) The seat in these newer pants must have been sturdier but there was definitely a Mick Jagger/Sticky Fingers thing going on with the whole crotch area and I was like, Is this how women feel all the time? Constrained and always thinking they’re fat because their pants are so tight, even though it makes your (insert word here for ass) look good? But women don’t have penises, that’s the thing. That part, or lack thereof, definitely makes it easier for them. Still, don’t you just always want to go home and put sweats on? That’s why yoga pants are so great -- they’re really comfortable AND they show off the goods. But there’s no way in hell I’m wearing spandex. No fucking way, man. My dad used to, no lie, he used to pick me up at C.C.D. wearing them. Jesus must have been shaking his head. Did my mom like them? I don’t get it, and I don’t want to think about that. Point is, after she had sewn the button back on a couple times, and with an absolutely stacked docket of weddings for me this summer (God love ya and may He help you), my mom said, Ben, why don’t you get some new pants? So to the J.Crew I went, to Legacy Place. (What does the J stand for? Jurisprudence? If Jeff can be spelled with a G, then can George be spelled with a J? Is it Jeorge Crew?) True to its name, Legacy Place is a very historical place, about ten years old now, where you can struggle to find parking and go to the Apple Store and Anthropologie and Lululemon and Whole Foods... and Paper Source... and J.P. Licks... and Orvis... and a restaurant called Aquitane, which no offense to any of the people that work there but that’s probably the worst name for a restaurant I’ve ever heard. All very historical places like this, with a long Legacy going back generations. There’s even a SoulCycle. I had a whole exciting plan -- go get some new pants, and then go to the Whole Foods to get snacks and chocolate milk and a cleansing but also delicious juice and stuff. I am a consumer like you, I want to be immersed in Legacy Place and all that it has to offer, and be steeped in its traditions. Perhaps even go to Paper Source and see if there was any wrapping paper that really dazzled me. Here’s a parking tip if you ever journey to Legacy Place, like one of Chaucer’s pilgrims on their way to Canterbury -- park in the Whole Foods parking lot, the OUTSIDE parking lot. There are almost always spaces, unlike the central lot with all the surrounding stores, which is basically like a deathtrap you’ll never get out of. You’re basically entering the kill zone if you’re in that central lot, a weary coyote tempted by some meat close to a fire, unknowingly surrounded by spears. So many white people everywhere, it’s truly frightening, all entitled to the spots. I parked in the outside lot and was like FUCK YOU GUYS. Felt very pleased with myself. Going to get some new pants. Not wearing male spandex. Balls and that whole area excited to get some pants that would fit them. Just wanting some relief, as always. Not excited like that, just excited. In casinos, you know, they pump serotonin or something through the vents (or maybe it’s Melatonin?... just a bunch of Advil near the vent for the sweet candy coating?), and I SWEAR they do this at J.Crew too. Or maybe it’s just perfumes and colognes for teenagers and that starchy new clothes smell. Either way there’s a crazy stimulation that you could buy all these things and become a new person (fitter, happier, better) and be like those teenage models casually standing in a hay field next to a vintage truck. What girl doesn’t want to be that skinny model being propped up on a surfboard, held up by a group of buffed out guys? Ladies, as SOON as you buy those short jean shorts with the little frills on the end, RIGHT when you leave the store with that crisp bag swaying by your side, there’s gonna be those SAME guys just waiting outside for you ready to hold you up on a surfboard, or for a gang bang, I don’t know. If you wanted to. They all have abs to die for so it wouldn’t be like it would be a BAD gang bang. Unless you somehow resisted the magnetic pull of their abs and dimples at that moment and just wanted to get all their numbers and then you could text and date all of them and keep all of them hanging and be chased after and competed over by all these dreamy male muffin men. (Not even sure what that means.) And what girl doesn’t want that? Women think about sex as much as men do, I’m convinced. I’m onto you, women. See if you don’t keep thinking about this J.Crew gang bang scenario, late at night under the covers, or in the morning when you wake up, under the covers, or in the car when you’re driving to work. Me, I stopped looking for the girl on the surfboard. Women always want the J.Crew gang bang scenario, in some form or another. Or they just want to be with assholes, that’s probably the more correct answer. Or I’m a total loser, a writer, worse than a homeless person, and all the women are with great guys who are way better than me. It’s a tough old walnut to crack, that’s for sure. J.Crew has also perfectly figured out how to make clothes that will last about two years and then fall apart so you have to go back to the J.Crew, back to Legacy Place, and do it all over again, maybe buying an additional pair of sandals this next time around. A cute pair of sandals, YAAAAY! Fucking shoot me. (I bought a pair of socks with little surfer guys on them and ten times out of ten I would do it again.) No one helped me, I just drifted, in amongst the yellow, blue, red, green, plaid shorts, the socks arrayed in a circle of design on top of design, another line of shorts with stretchy drawstrings for the men who really wanted to be comfortable. I have serious commitment issues, even when it comes to clothes, I’ve written about it before. (See scintillating essay entitled, “New Clothes.”) So I walked around the men’s section in circles, many times, tentatively looking at something, tilting it out from its hanging position, and then saying no, no, no. That flannel shirt could break my heart. And then I would think about it every minute of every day for the rest of my life. I did this with the khakis, almost intentionally avoiding the khaki section for some stretches, even though I had expressly gone there to buy khakis, and for the love of everything sacred and with Legacy I was going to lest I ripped the ass in another pair of pants on my way to another wedding. I would circle far away from the khaki section knowing deep down that I would have to eventually circle back. Maybe I wouldn’t buy pants today. Maybe I would just wear my old ones. I liked old things. I liked things with Legacy. The woman on top of the surfboard was looking down at me smiling like, Here, come join the group so I can make you compete with all these other guys and fuck you over! I finally settled on some pants to take to the dressing room, it was like Indiana Jones doing the Leap of Faith when he can’t see that there’s a bridge and he closes his eyes and takes the first step out. I had to go up to the saleswoman, they were all a-twitter with something and paying me no mind, which is how I liked it anyway. No offense to this saleswoman I’m going to write about, I’m sure she’s a lovely woman with as vast an interior life as anyone, but as soon as she opened her mouth she seemed like the type of woman who may have strictly limited herself to saying the sentence, “Oh my god, do you love iiiit?” Try khakis on, yes. That’s all that was going on in my mind. Make this as quick and painless as possible. Try to speak clearly but not too loudly. I wonder if this woman goes home every night, puts her feet up with some tea, leans her head back and thinks, “God, I fucking hate people.” Do you love iiiit? Fucking hate them. We all have a song and dance, a Mick Jagger performance. Jumping ahead but she said to one of her coworkers when my credit card was doing its magic, “Oh my god, I totally was thinking of wearing that same dress today,” but with no spaces in between the words, and in my mind it immediately processed to, “Bitch, if we had worn the same thing I would have cut you.” How bad would that have been though if they were both standing behind the registers wearing the same floral jumper-type thing? It would be like 1984 but made manifest by all those people who send you requests to join Candy Crush so they can get more points. I got the damn pants, $150, because there’s the higher-end J.Crew stuff that could last five to ten years instead of two. (Probably exactly five and then they self-destruct.) And they were nice and well-made and buttery almost, and the whole private areas of my body could breathe, although it did not feel as sexy. That’s the trade-off, you want sexy you have to have things almost painted on and wedged into and cutting into your body. Sexy clothes aren’t breathable unless we’re talking about cleavage and g-strings and those are uncomfortable in their own ways. But they make you feel sexy, which feels great, if you want to feel that way. It’s a real power. Some good cleavage can bring the world to it knees. Some nice bum can hypnotize and make people mortgage their houses and do all types of questionable things, feeling that lust and need that’s waaaay down in you. It’s basically so the human race will continue and you can have kids and then they can shop at J.Crew. All in all I left with some socks with little surfers on them and I got some chocolate milk at the Whole Foods (opted to not go to Paper Source) and let my Great Wall down to let some new khakis into my life that my ass could fit modestly into, tried not to look at the Aquitane sign, so all in all it was a successful trip. Oh my god, I love it, so cute, YAAAAAAY.

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