Kiryuu Touga and the cyclical narrative

TW : Discussions of misogyny, emotional manipulation and abuse, sexual abuse and (sexual) child abuse. (Very vague) mention of incest.

First of all, not really as a disclaimer but more as a recommendation, a lot of my thoughts about Touga are shaped by this essay, which is definitely easily one of my favorite pieces of Utena meta. I think I'm going to implicitly or more explicitly reference it sometimes, but you don't need to read it to understand this post.

I have a complex relationship with Touga. He is despicable, yet the more I watch the series, the more I find myself... fascinated by him. This post is a pretty much a synthesis of all these thoughts.

On a purely narrative level, Touga's role is a bit special. He's the antagonist of the first arc. The three duels involving him are all turning points in the series. He's a core character in the development of several other characters (Saionji, Nanami, Utena and Miki on a different level).

Yet, turns out he's only a puppet, just as everyone else is. How surprising. And when it comes down to it, what do we know about Touga ?

He's the Student Council's president. He seemingly can't have a relationship with anyone without manipulating them to his advantage. He sleeps with any girl (and maybe not only girls) who breathe around him in a 1 ft radius. His way of coping with depression is to seal himself in a wide and totally empty room to listen to his own voice on repeat to ponder heavily on his broken hopes and ideals. (Hmm. Hardcore.)

And more importantly, he wants power. A power that would be absolute. But why so ?

And this is the point where it gets complicated.

Touga is barely the main topic of episodes focused on him. He is the center of many obsessions and interests, but it seems we never touch upon him as a person. He can be seen being vaguely vulnerable in eps 11 and 12 and then there's the whole Black Rose arc thing. But where does all this mess steam from ?

Victim status

Eps 35 and 36 are the one going deeper into Touga’s character and yet... we’re barely sure of what’s actually going on in his brain. These episodes always give me a weird feeling because we don’t really get to see Touga express his feelings very clearly or freely... We barely get to hear his thoughts. 

Just like Anthy.

Don’t make me say what I didn’t say, though. Touga gets to have way more agency than ever does Anthy, and he certainly doesn't endure the same dehumanization as she does. Anthy does have agency in a way. But she expresses it in hidden, implicit ways : playing tricks, hitting people in their sore spots, sarcasm, empty eyes and fake smiles. She’s manipulative and Touga is, too. These two share many similarities, though they can’t completely blend with each other, of course. 

We don’t know much about Touga’s childhood. We know he and Nanami were adopted (or “sold”) to the Kiryuu family at a young age. That’s basically it in the canon of the series. Though, Touga’s backstory in the movie, showing him being sexually abused by his adoptive father, was apparently meant to be included in the series as well :

Although the TV series touched upon Touga’s younger days, the film goes into more details – the wound of Touga that was never directly depicted. In his younger days, Touga was a normal kid who enjoyed happy times with his friend Saionji Kyouichi and his younger sister Nanami. However, he came to know his unfortunate fate from the time he was ordered by his parents to wear his hair long. His parents sold him to the Kiryuu family. Although he was an adopted son on the surface, the instinctive Touga knew what that meant. And in order to protect his younger sister, he accepted his lot. Being sold. We did not go into depicting what Touga’s parents obtained by going as far as selling their son. We would like you to think of it as a kind of metaphor. 

And Touga accepted in silence the sexual abuse from his new parents. His personality changed while he made a magnanimous show of enjoying the abuses in order to prevent his personality from splitting. The change took place in a spot so deep in his mind, that even those closest to him did not notice. Saionji and Nanami never noticed out of their innocence. And Touga never told his secret to anyone. It is said that a human being gains whatever he lost in exchange. So what did Touga gain in exchange at that point in time? It was the sense of alienation from being abused every night and seeing his innocent friend and sister during the day. The alienated self.

(Extract of a comment Enokido, one of the writers who worked on Utena, wrote about Touga’s role in the Utena movie.)

Of course, you could argue whether or not the sexual abuse is canon or not in the series. After all, the series and the movie don’t seem to take place in the same canon (even though it is hard to completely disconnect the two). Whatever you choose to believe, I personally think it all makes so much sense. 

It makes sense regarding Touga’s general behavior in the series (but this is more touched upon in the essay I linked above) and it makes his goal and his narrative role much clearer.

Being sold like a mere object, knowing a much harsher truth about life Saionji and Nanami don’t know about, showing everyone a stronger facade in order to not completely lose your mind and keep protecting your friend and your sister from this reality and eventually... letting them know in a painfully gendered way, perpetuating everything this system has forced on you. 

It has all become part of you. 

Keeping the cycle of violence going became part of your blood and flesh. Making clear who is supposed to inflict pain and who is supposed to receive it. Who is supposed to protect and who is supposed to be protected. Who is supposed to act and who is supposed to wait. 

And you ? No, you’re never supposed to hurt anymore. You want a way out of this. For you, the easiest way is to simply reclaim the place that was always prepared for you to take. 

When Touga and Saionji found Utena in her coffin, it feels like Touga knew something Saionji didn’t. Saionji felt it too, but he wasn’t able to recognize what it was. After all, he was still a child. Touga knew about the same thing Utena learned with her parents’ death : they both had a glimpse of what the “adult world” (Akio’s world) actually looks like, shattering their juvenile knowledge of the world. 

A world where people die. A world where the weak lose. A world where the prince should protect the princess. 

Touga already had a coffin. Utena just found hers and was about to find a new one. Saionji was just finding his. 

It all makes sense regarding how obedient Touga is to Akio and why he seeks his validation, his desire to go up in the hierarchy aside. It makes sense because he is “alienated”. Touga got deprived of everything, he knows the burden of being alive and he’s learned, from his early childhood, to be compliant. 

He seems independent during the Student Council arc and a majority of the series, but eps 35 and 36 show he is not the mastermind of it all. He has a privileged position but unlike some other characters, Touga never uses his agency to try to break out of the system ─ he follows its rules and tries to reinforce his dominance. 

Why would you break out from a system serving you so well ?

“I want to become like him. I want power like his.”

Touga is alienated to the system and his only goal is to become what it expects of him. After all, why wouldn’t he ? Being a prince is the best position offered by the system. Being a prince means acquiring an absolute power. With such power, one doesn’t die and is forever out of reach and harm and pain. Who wouldn’t want such a thing ? 

The prince never saves the princess out of selflessness. He saves her because it gives him a reward in exchange. He saves her because it gives him power and control over her and ultimately, everyone else. And so, the princess becomes a "toy" wannabe princes has to win, to conquer.

Does Touga, even during what seems to be his most “sincere” moment in ep 36, ever wish to protect Utena for something else than possessing her ? When could have he learned to know and appreciate her as a person, rather than a princess ? A reward to conquer ?

When did he stop wishing he could’ve saved Utena just like Akio did ? I believe he might be genuine, yet he acts toward Utena exactly like she acts toward Anthy. He wants to save her for his own sake, regardless of her personal hopes and desires. 

It’s truly sad, though. Because all of it is nothing but a childish dream. There was never once a prince in this world. Only boring and abusive adults. 

“Are you really happy with that?”

Well, when it comes down to it, probably not. But was it ever about happiness ? Probably not either. The pursuit of power only ever leads to isolation, to a complete lack of meaning ─ after all, friendship is a fool’s thing. No one can reach what’s behind the facade. 

Saionji was able to confront Touga with his own lies and paradoxes, get as close to his real self anyone probably could. But it wasn’t enough. Saionji himself didn’t go as far as leaving the system entirely, even when it seemed he had cracked it all. Touga sort of did, too. 

As far as I’m concerned, we only heard his own, deep thoughts once.

“Kiryuu Touga, the playboy Student Council President... Is it? "Playboy" sounds old-fashioned.”

Touga weaponized himself. He weaponized his body (sex is only a tool to aim for power). He weaponized his heart (relationships only matter if you use them to your advantage. Those who believe in love and friendship are fools and will be ultimately be used to someone else’s advantage). And for what ? 

I really like the symbolism of the poppy flower in ep 35. I feel like it symbolizes Akio’s power, in a way. I’m incredibly bad when it comes to the language of flowers (so everyone is free to correct me) but please bear with me. In the East, red poppy flowers apparently symbolize romantic love and success (what it probably means for the girl confessing to Touga, as well as Akio when he “eats” it in this scene, since Touga and him are talking about Utena) but it can also symbolize “luxurious pleasures and fantastic extravagance”. In the Japanese language of flowers, red poppies can also symbolize someone “fun-loving”. I feel like both of these work with Akio and I believe that for Touga, they are a symbol of luxury and extravagance. 

Yet another girl confessed to him. Without even thinking about it, he kissed her. He will never read her confession letter, he probably didn’t even notice it. He will probably simply leave it on the floor, without a care. This pursuit of power isn’t even fulfilling to him, there’s absolutely no thought behind it. Only automatic actions, behaviors working in favor of someone else’s greater scheme. He won’t even get to actually possess Utena. 

He will never get what he truly wants. Is there even anything that he truly wants ? Saionji, maybe. In the meantime, he’s just a tool for a system. A system made up by boring adults, based on lies, illusions and unachievable dreams. 

Touga is condemned to go in cycles. He’s given everything to overcome what keeps him stuck and trapped, but it doesn’t do anything. He can only revolve around his own coffin, completing the same circle, again and again. 

He doesn’t know how to do anything else. 

It will never make anything he’s done forgivable. But at least, maybe one day, he’ll realize. Or maybe never. 

We can always create new roads, leading to worlds completely unknown to us, where everything needs to be built. Anthy and Utena are here to show the way, who deserves to follow these new roads is only up to you. 

On a purely personal standpoint... I was never really able to answer this question. 

“No. It's not over until we see it through the very end.”

On show ages(especially of the green kids)

I will preface this by saying that if you age the characters up or down in your fics or if you thought their ages were different that is fine. I just saw way too many posts that said Aegon is 22 and/or Aemond is 18-19 and I am. So incredibly tired. Aegon is 19-20, Helaena 17-18 and Aemond 15-16. Proof below the cut because this will be long.

So first of all, to address that twitter threat where I see most of the references if ages come from. I do think that was the original idea for the ages, however it was a reference they used for early casting calls. The things change in production, especially if certain actors the writers like cannot pass for ages they intended, or simply because they realize different ages fit better.

Now let's get into what we know from the show.

I am using screenshots from this tweet. Aegon's second birthday is three years after Daemon went off to Stepstones as we see here:

Alicent is heavily pregnant with Helaena so we can assume she gives birth relatively soon. So Helaena should be about 2 years younger than Aegon.

And after that, we have Daemon telling Rhaenyra she mature in past 4 years since he saw her, after going to war at Stepstones.

Which would make Aegon 3, Helaena 1 year old. And then we get Rhaenyra's wedding and Alicent's famous green dress moment.

And the thing is, she doesn't have a noticeable bump! And even if we give it a benefit of the doubt and say she is pregnant here and just isn't showing she could at best be 4 months in.

And then we get a ten year jump, as stated here by Laenor:

Which makes the ages as follow-Aegon 13-14, Helaena 11-12 and Aemond can be 10 at most. Because again, even if Alicent was 4 months pregnant and gave birth to him premature, it would still happen within that year. So even then he would barely be 10.

And then we get another, 6 year timeskip:

Six years since Corlys sailed off to Stepstones again, if I remember correctly.

Which means, Aegon would now be 19 maybe 20, Helaena 17-18, Aemond 16.

"But Aegon himself says that Viserys had 20 years to name him heir and never did!" Yes, and he is likely rounding it up because he will be turning 20 in a few months. But even that I could concede and say he is 20. That would still make Helaena 18 and Aemond still can't possibly be older than 16.

Yes, it's confusing. Yes, the writers definitely should have planned and executed it better. But please understand that book! versions and show! versions aren't the same.

Thank you for coming to my ted talk and if you made it this far, I appreciate the patience for my rambling.

If you need more sources, there is elle article, and even Leo Ashton said Aemond was younger than he was when he played him here:

i kind of love how chip jay and gillion’s individual inner conflicts can all be boiled down to dome variation of an an obligational loyalty to an original family versus the loyalty earned by a found family. (found family being the riptide pirate crew)(i’ve been writing this for a while and my initial statement is not so much the focus of this post anymore as i have begun to ramble about chip. do please read though, as i have words i’d like to share about chip and how his story differs from his co-captains and where i hope it’s heading.)

but they all are undergoing this conflict differently!! chip grew up with the black rose pirates, he idolizes them. he looks up to them and respects them because they’re the first ones who actually gave him a family. and in trying to get that old family back, he’s accidentally built himself a NEW family, one which he has loyalty to out of shared experience and bonding over the present day! and now he’s faced with a divide (mostly in his own head, since some of his old family is literally a part of his new one) between his old family, and his current one.

jay’s version is maybe the most literal and straightforward. her birth family, the ones who raised her, did so to shape her in a particular way. she loves her old family, but in attempting to right a wrong within it, she has forged a family on the opposite side of an entire war. both sides want the other gone and will stop at nothing to achieve their goals, but both are her family. this is understandably a very difficult thing for her

and gillion, he actually has a pretty similar that going on, albeit with a few more complications. he loves his old family (the undersea as a whole, since he never really got to be with his birth family) entirely out of obligation. they were cruel to him, but as their weapon he is meant to protect them. he grew up under the notion that those in the oversea are evil, that humans are nothing more than greedy and malicious. he’s seen that this is not the case, however, as he immediately found himself scooped up out of the ocean by a new family, one that encourages him to be his own person, rather than just a tool. his two families conflict not directly in real life (yet) but rather entirely in his own mid and perception of where his loyalties should lie.

jay and gillion have both stood up for themselves against their old family in some capacity, while still remaining loyal to some individuals. gillion denounced his ties to the elders that governed him, but still seeks out his older sister, edyn. and jay stood up to her father (one of the highest ranked individuals of the navy) in pure and violent defiance, while still loving and standing with her mother.

chip hasn’t really gotten to choose just yet. he’s declared loyalty to the riptide pirates and to his co-captains, but he’s still looking for arlin. he’s announced his decision, but he hasn’t come to face his choice head-on. captain rose and chey are dead, numerous individuals have been all but forgotten, drey and finn have joined the riptide pirates but aren’t the same as he remembers, and roofus, though an important figure in chips life, isn’t the ultimatum chip has yet to face. because arlin is still out there, beneath the black sea.

chip is chasing this ultimatum but i don’t think he’s going to find it, even if arlin is somehow miraculously alive down there, even despite representing this choice in chip’s eyes i don’t think he’s going to provide it. i doubt they’ll have much time together, if any.

chip won’t get to make this choice because there is no longer a choice to be made. there are no two sides to choose from, there’s just family. one family. the old and the new are now one and the same. but still there is arlin. the embodiment of an imaginary division. a nonexistent choice that drives this third of the story.

my best guess currently is that if the crew manages to find arlin, it will be in his last moments before he succumbs to the same fate as his beloved late captain. and i really, REALLY hope chip is the one who has to take what’s left of arlin down. because then he’d have finally come to terms with the truth of his life and his family. he will have made a choice without choosing between the people he loves, because on one side is his family, and on the other, all that’s left is an inky, dripping, gurgling, violent remnant of chip’s idolized past.

the choice would be hard for him, but there really is only one side left to choose.

Loki ranting

Okay. I had this thought in my head of like just compiling links of all the Loki shit I've posted/reblogged so far so that when I get into a conversation about the show and how it fucking disgusted me, I can just be like "here. here's this masterlist post, go read all this shit. This is my entire argument, and not only mine, but a lot of stuff posted by people far more intelligent and level-headed and eloquent than I am, whom I happen to agree with." Because the alternative is constantly getting fired up all over again, and that is exhausting.

BUT! I'm stupid and don't know how tumblr works. Apparently I can't just be like "give me all the Loki-tagged shit I've got" I can only search all the Loki-tagged shit on all of tumblr. And I'm not scrolling back through all of my posts. I talk too fucking much for that shit 😂

So, I'll try to remember all of my grievances with how the MCU has treated Loki, and all of the excellent posts made by other, equally upset fans, and put it all together here under this nice, neat little cut for everyone else's sanity and scrolling convenience...

For people who actually read my shit fairly regularly - bless you, you crazy, patient people. I love you! - this is going to be a lot of repetition of shit you've already read. Probably at least twice. I'm passionate and I have a terrible memory lol. Sorry.

Anyway, first, for those who don't know me and haven't been following my explosions of rage for the past couple of months, some quick background: I do not read comic books, so Loki's Marvel comic canon means nothing to me. I know almost nothing about it. The reason I'm so in love with the character in the MCU is because I am an eclectic witch and the deity I've actively loved and worshiped the longest in my life (literally for as long as I can remember) is Loki. So when he was mentioned in The Mask, I squeed. When they named Matt Damon's character after him in Dogma, I cheered.

When Thor came out in 2011, I just about died from happiness. I was hungry for any representation of this underappreciated god, no matter what it was. I didn't even bitch about how underpowered he was, because at least he was there. But I'm getting slightly ahead of myself.

I can hear anyone reading this going "Why Loki? Isn't he, like, evil? Like basically the Norse version of The Devil?" Because I heard all this shit irl all the fucking time. And no. So let me give you a quick rundown of who Loki actually is.

Loki is a Trickster God. He's often referred to as the God of Mischief. He is not and never was evil, simply chaotic and hedonistic. Loki Laufeyjarson was the son of Laufey (that's mama; they changed her to a man for some reason in the movie) and Fárbauti. Right from the start, from his name, we get a sign of how Loki goes against traditional norms of the time, because in Norse culture, families were patrilineal, and surnames were "son/daughter of father" (which would have made him Loki Fárbautitason), not the mother. But Loki's surname is matrilineal. Feminist icon woo! lol

Though he's a Jotunn, Loki is counted among the Gods (Aesir) in Norse tradition. Depending on his mood, he is alternately helpful or disruptive to the other Gods. I'm not gonna sit and teach a whole text class on him lol but I'll use my favorite example of Misunderstood Loki - the conception of Sleipnir!

So, get this shit. This is also part of why I DO NOT follow Odin and never fucking will (a very small part, but still part of the reason). So, the other Norse Gods are petty motherfuckers, and they wanted some shit built but didn't want to pay the dude doing the building. So they were like "okay, if you can get it done in X amount of time, we'll pay you, but if you can't manage it NO MATTER WHAT, this whole thing is free." And they made sure he had NO help, nothing but him, his materials, and his Very Good Horsey. And this guy and his horse were fucking BAMFs. So it was looking like he was definitely gonna get it done in time, and Odin was like "nah, fuck that shit. I'm cheap." and so he sent Loki to distract the work horse. Loki transformed into a mare and lured the horse away, got fucked, got pregnant, gave birth to the 8-legged (for some reason) horse Sleipnir. Odin rides Loki's son into battle. Um. Kay.

So Loki helped Odin be a petty mf, and Odin got himself a new pet out of the deal.

Oh, also, because he's smart af and a shapeshifter and a master magician and genderfluid, Loki "fails" to fit the super fucking toxic and narrow Norse/Aesir view of "a real man". He prefers intelligence and manipulation to solve problems rather than violence, he's not afraid to behave like a clown if it gets shit done, and that grosses the Aesir out, so they constantly ridicule him for being "less than a man".

Loki is the God of the outcast and the misunderstood. The marginalized people from all walks of life. He is the God of the LGBT community. In modern terms, he's pansexual, polyamorous (married to Sigyn and they are deeply in love, but boy gets around and I've never seen any indication that Sigyn gives a shit) and genderfluid.

Okay. Focus, Ali. This is part of why I usually post multiple rants instead of one big long one XD The longer I ramble, the more I get sidetracked and forget the original point.

So. Loki's awesome, and being a Trickster, is powerful as all fucking hell. There's not much he can't do.

And now we come to Thor (the movie, not the deity). Loki's there! 24-year-old Ali is spazzing! All is right with the world!

Oh lord, they've actually done him justice?! Amazing! He's complex and nuanced and emotional, just like the real Loki! I loved this movie. Loved. It. The climactic thing with trying to blow up Jotunheim never really made much sense to me until someone made an excellent point the other day about Loki being raised in a racist society that was racist against his own race, he just didn't know it yet, poor child. Baby Thor was never corrected when he pledged to commit mass genocide, so Baby Loki probably absorbed the lesson then that Jotunns=evil and killing them all will win his father's love. Anyway, 2011 Loki was a beautiful, heartbreaking portrayal of the God I've loved all my life and spent 24 years longing to see depicted on the big screen.

Then The Avengers happened. And I saw another Loki very close to Norse mythology - mainly, how he's treated. In the beginning of the movie, he's sick, exhausted, and in pain. He can hardly stand, he stumbles and needs help when he walks. He was very obviously tortured, and the sickly blue light of the scepter's control is in his eyes. That gets less and less pronounced as the movie goes on, showing Loki working his way free of it, but in the beginning, he's a mess. Because he was tortured and used by Thanos. Marvel directly confirmed this, and that he was under the scepter's/Mind Stone's control. Loki's actions are not his own in The Avengers. He's under both threat and Thanos' direct control. The movie actually shows The Other directly threatening him to keep him on task, because this is not Loki's plan. It is not what he wants. He's being used and villainized... Just like in real life. It hurt to see this done to him, but the accuracy was too beautiful to ignore.

Thor: The Dark World comes out. I've heard people complain that this movie is the weak link in the Thor trilogy. I disagree. I think that's Ragnarok, for a bunch of reasons, but we'll get there. (And for the record, I loved Ragnarok, too. It was a funny movie. Infinity War and the Disney+ series are the only portrayals of Loki in the MCU that I truly fucking hated.) Anyway, good, fun movie. Had its faults, as all movies do, but it still followed Loki's real-life arc in a way. How? By having Loki dragged back to Asgard in chains and imprisoned underground. Again, not super happy that this happened to my love, and having to see it on screen was painful, but at least in the MCU he's not chained to a rock with venom dripping on his face for eternity, so there's that. (poor Sigyn. how tired do her arms get, holding up that bowl? best wife ever, amirite?)

In TDW, we're shown Loki's love for Frigga, who favored him and taught him magic as a child. We see his bravado; his attempts to mask his true feelings, especially grief. We see him slowly coming back to himself after the events of The Avengers, and slowly mending his relationship with his brother. He accepts that Odin will likely never love him, but Thor just might, because they were close when they were young. "I didn't do it for him." No, no my sweet, you did it for your brother, and a little out of guilt for what happened to your mother.

At the end, Loki fakes his death and escapes, taking the throne, and I have mixed feelings about this. Not the writer's choices here; I love that completely! A natural progression in Loki's story. But my joy is tainted by how closely they're following the Eddas now. Because Loki's escape from his prison heralds the beginning of Ragnarok. And Loki will die in Ragnarok. I don't want to see that play out in front of my face. I won't be able to handle the grief (spoiler alert! IW broke me. I almost walked out of the theater. Loki's death was legitimately fucking traumatic for me. I don't even care how pathetic that is. That grief was real, it was intense, and I still shake and cry when I think about it.)

Marvel announces that Thor 3 will be called Ragnarok. The internet treats this as a shocking revelation. I roll my eyes and mumble "duh" to myself and move on XD

Then they say Ragnarok will be a buddy comedy. I throw up a little in my mouth and no longer want to live on this planet. If they're going to make something called Ragnarok, could they at least treat it with even a fraction of the respect they've shown these characters thusfar? Jfc. I mean, I'll see it anyway, because I'm a whore for Tom Hiddleston lol. But come on, people!

I hated that they made Hel the long-lost older sister and Fenrir her fucking pet/attack dog. Those are my favorites of Loki's children! Hel is such an incredible badass that the early Christians named their dimension of eternal torture after her! They were terrified of her, to the point of naming the place that terrified them most after her. That's awesome! And Fenrir's just the best. I love wolves. Those two details, and Odin's retcon of "we're not Gods! ...lol, except your sister. she's totally a Goddess. and def gonna kill literally everything, so... good luck! byyyeeeee" pissed me off royally.

The rest was great. I genuinely liked this movie. Still do. And they finally used The Immigrant Song! That was pretty cool. If they'd thrown in Bring the Hammer Down and Thunderstruck, I might've called this movie perfect. XD

I wasn't totally in love with their portrayal of Loki in Ragnarok. Yes, the falling for 30 minutes line was funny, as was "I have to get off this planet" and "YES! That's how it feels!" And "Get Help" was funny as hell. But also, like... There is no way Loki would have been the dumb one in that first encounter with Hela. Also, he can teleport and project copies of himself and shit, so... He would not have been that desperate to go straight back to Asgard and bring her right along with them. Loki's not stupid. But whatever. Movie's gotta movie.

What I did love was seeing the slow mending of his relationship with Thor continuing, and the badass fighting on the bridge. I also loved that, like Real Loki, Movie Loki helped when help was needed, was quick and clever, and while he was carrying out the main plan, he was also planning ahead and grabbing the Tesseract. Yes, that drew Thanos right to them, but that's a whole other thing. Loki never would have left that thing on Asgard to be destroyed or lost.

And now Infinity War. Hooooly fucking shit. You know what? No. I'm not going into this. He was killed, years of character growth were erased forever, my heart fucking shattered. The end.

Endgame. IW hurt me so bad I didn't see Endgame until this year. I actually watched Civil War first (for context: I had actively avoided all Cap movies until this year because I fucking hate Steve Rogers. I find him insufferable. Did not realize what I was denying myself until I watched CW and finally saw the charms of Bucky. When he appeared in IW, I was so lost. XD I was like "...who dis? Murder Jesus?" also I just... didn't care. I was numb by then from crying through most of the movie over Loki)

So, anyway. Endgame. Loki picks up the Tesseract in alternate 2012, escapes, fans go "yay! he didn't actually die!" I go "yes he fucking did. Five years of his life, gone. Five years of growth and change, erased. Loki is dead. This will not be the same."

I was more right than I could have predicted. Now we come to the point of this rant. Sorry it took so long, but you were warned lol.

The Loki series makes me so angry I actually get sick to my stomach. It was fucking TRASH. When I praised Marvel for following Norse mythology so faithfully earlier? Yeah. I DID NOT MEAN TREAT HIM THE WAY THE OTHER GODS DID. I did not mean paint him as a pitiful clown, a joke, a caricature of who he truly was, with his pain and suffering played for LAUGHS.

This is supposed to be 2012 Loki, newly freed from Thanos' control. The Loki we saw in the beginning of TDW - snarky, exhausted, nihilistic. The Loki who rolled his eyes and said "get on with it" expecting to be killed.

The bumbling clown flipping on a dime from posturing to calling himself weak is not 2012 Loki. That is not ANY Loki. That is Tom Hiddleston in a black wig doing what he's told by a shitty writer who had no fucking idea what he was doing and was salty about his (bad) original script (for something totally fucking unrelated) getting killed.

In Episode 1, Loki is mocked, imprisoned, stripped against his will, tormented, belittled, and given a flippant summary of all the trauma Actual MCU Loki suffered that this one skipped out on, with no context, no acknowledgement of the trauma he's already lived quite fucking recently, and with the narrative twisted to not only erase all the abuse he's suffered, but to make it all his fault. And this is supposed to make him want to help these people?

And worse, IT FUCKING WORKS. WHAT?! I CAN'T- FUCKING WHAT?! Remember when I said LOKI IS NOT FUCKING STUPID?! So why is he STUPID?

Episode 2, he's a child. Mentally, this Loki is a fucking child. Now we've erased all the growth and development of his entire adult life. He's dopey, impatient, impulsive, desperate for a pat on the back and actually shows it. Yes, abused and neglected children crave the positive attention we never received, and we often grow up to be a bit emotionally stunted. But not all of us, and not Loki. Not as we've seen him EVER in the rest of the MCU. Playful and a bit callous at times? Absolutely! But not a big dumb fucking puppy.

Episode 3, a ray of hope, despite Sylvie! (I hate Sylvie) Loki casually admits he's pan/bi; labels never come up, but he admits to being with both men and women! He sings! Not really relevant to whether I approve of his portrayal or not lol but Tom has a beautiful voice, Norwegian ("Asgardian" lol) is a gorgeous, entrancing language, and I could watch that one bit on loop for eternity and never get bored. And then, finally, we see a glimpse - a glimpse - of Loki's power! He stops a falling building and pushes it right back up! Are we finally getting to see what he can really do? Will the next episode bring us Loki in all his glory?

Nope. 4 and 5 we see him mocked and pushed around and utterly irrelevant. Again. We see tiny reflections of what he could maybe theoretically do in other random Loki variants, but the "main" (lawl. main. it was the Sylvie and Mobius show. Loki was never the main anything.) Loki? Nothing. He wears his heart on his sleeve for no reason, bonds with the man who imprisoned, taunted, and gaslit him, is killed, and continues to be a moron and a joke. Always the clown. Always the dumb one. The one with the bad ideas. The inferior Loki.

Don't even get me started on that finale. I can't. This already took so much out of me. Fuck Marvel. Fuck this fucking show. I just... I'm done.

giant rambly walls of text post of headcanons and theories and general thoughts on david, roman and solomon ft lots of extrapolation

first of all, i basically think of archer david as like... if 'lazy cheerful mcdonlads loving manchild in a yukata dad' kerry got summoned into the body of his child self and went 'oh wow this is before Everything in my life went horribly wrong it almost feels like all that never happened!!' and got into it enough to try to recreate what he was like as a child. which i realize is a hilariously weird mental image but a close enough comparison. it's just in this case the difference isn't '30 year old and 10 year old (at most)' but '60-70 something very old man and late teens/early twenties'. on the surface level this david is much more David The Humble Nobody Shepherd Boy Who Beat A Giant then David The Anointed Powerful King, because most of the stuff this version draws on in his NP and skills are from this aspect of him. but it's also clearly very much not the same case as other younger/child servants. most younger versions are aware of their older selves and what happens to them in the future but aren't those people and haven't personally experienced these futures. but nearly everything david does talk about, experiences he calls back to, people he talks about, is stuff from his time on the throne. he talks about this time as something that happened to him personally. so this isn't really baby shepherd david even though his servant container draws on these aspects of him, it's David The King in the body of baby shepherd david.

but what i find most interesting, is that he seems to really play into this image/role... like it's a deliberate choice/preference on his part or something consciously cultivated. there's what he says is tamacat's interlude, but also his my room line that outright has him saying 'sure i used to be a king, but don't worry about it, it's whatever, i'm just a shepherd now and i want to take this chance as a servant to be just that'. the impression is that he's very much trying to distance himself from his king-self and that entire part of his life which is... in its own way a lost cause and he probably does this knowing it's a lost cause, given that's what he spent the majority of his life doing and how everything he calls back to is from that life. that shepherd boy is just not the person he is anymore and hasn't been for a long time, but i think that's why he prefers to be summoned in this specific physical form and in this specific class that draws on this part of his life- the servant container/class makes it easier to act the part, to put that undesirable aspect of himself aside. so long as he's not summoned as a king he doesn't need to act like one nor feel like he has the responsibilities of one. and being a king clearly kind of sucked as far as he’s concerned.

now i mentioned before that biblical david is super kerrycore so while i don't know how much fate would even want to incorporate this side of the original version... idk, i'm really into the idea and think it's just potentially super interesting to take this parallel full circle and for david the king to be the figurative equivalent to cold blooded assassin magus killer kerry. it gives extra weight to why he'd want to just put aside this part of his life and lean in fully into a whole other role/identity that has nothing to do with kingship and why he acts Extra carefree and frivolous: because he spent most of his life as everything but that. because he couldn't be this way so long as he acted as king, because the responsibility and the role demanded that he had to suppress this aspect of himself and also that he act in ways he might not have really wanted to even as he understood that it was needed. he was good at doing the dirty and unpleasant stuff and he understood the necessity of it; he had a talent for it, in a sense, even if it wasn't a talent for something he liked or enjoyed. it goes well with him talking about how he dislikes battle in conjunction to how he was a very military focused leader-- something he never wanted to engage in or do, but that the role of the king demanded of him.

because his biblical depiction is from the very start, from the first goliath story, more of a cunning politician and warrior than anything else. he's subtle, sly and calculating, not afraid to get his hands dirty and do undignified things to get where he needs to, and very conscious and aware of all that goes around him, including how he's seen by other people and how he needs to act as if he were in front of an audience. he finds creative and subtle ways to get around most problems, but he also knows when a problem is best solved violently and doesn't hesitate to commit to that solution. (most unlike fate david though, he's also super hot-tempered and fairly quick to Stabbity Stab if someone pissed him off lmao and has to be talked down at least once from Doing A Murder)

this is compounded by how, in general, the narrative very very often leaves us in the dark about what he's really feeling or thinking in a lot of pivotal moments and leaves us often to wonder about his sincerity and true motivations. his story in the bible is essentially the unraveling of this kind of hyper competent and skilled person as he gets more and more exposed to the reader emotionally and personally, as we see more and more of his weakness and vulnerability and his real flawed and imperfect core is revealed. the narrative is at once both critical of him while still remaining firmly on his side and sympathetic towards him, and the main thing that keeps him sympathetic as a character in this way, through his darkest moments and most questionable behavior, is that he's 1) unquestionably devoted to God and nearly flawlessly pious, which is for obvious reasons a significant virtue for both the original writer and the original audience the narrative was meant for, and 2) very good at handling criticism, accepting that he made mistakes, and making amends/fixing things when he needs to. which he does a lot of.

so basically, yeah: ruthless stabby killer who's a clever and sly pragmatist, but also a Sad and vulnerable dad. that's what i meant lmao that's the exact same aesthetic as kerry.

and something you'll find pointed out very, very often by any literary analysis or any analysis at all, is his humanity; it's something that can be ascribed to many, many biblical characters but is applied to him as a defining trait in particular. and that's.... even better and gets even more interesting for fate david specifically when pitted against solomon, the perfect, flawless inhuman king. there's a consistent thematic thread in fate of being an ideal vs being a human being, especially for kings and other types of leaders, and in this context i think you can do a lot with david as someone who, instead of giving in/fully committing to one at the expense of the other, went for a balance between the two-- and struggled with that balance. he succeeded in many ways as a king and was good at it, but in some ways he lost that struggle because he failed to find that balance and gave in to humanity at the worst of times, and it's those moments which led to both his biggest mistakes and his biggest tragedies. it's interesting to me because it's different from the patterns that characters like kerry and saber establish, and it offers a perspective on this dilemma that also explains why people like them commit to this all-or-nothing approach to it.

and it's also interesting to me to compare to solomon, but especially the fact that when put in context-- that god sees david and decides to make solomon the way he is seemingly in response-- the implication is one of a background 'story' that's very consistent to an interesting pattern about god in genesis: that he's always trying out new ways to interact with this world he created through humanity and having to retry after each one attempt doesn’t quite go well. he started with adam and eve and they disobeyed him, when he tried to with all of humanity and when they turned away from him and degenerated morally he had to destroy them all with the flood. then he tried to create this connection/interaction through just one person and then just one nation from this person, and that's how he came to form the covenant with us. humans are constantly ruining his plans and he's constantly having to adjust and try or test new things. and i like the idea that he's also trying to do something similar with the kings and leaders he appointed to this chosen nation; he tried with the judges who were all scattered leaders that couldn't unite the tribes, then tried with saul who was just kind of a weak leader and king in general and couldn't handle it, tried with david, and then looked at him and went, okay, i did pretty well with this one, he's served me well but it's still not what i need. so, god reasons, if his problem is that his humanity was what got in the way then clearly the problem is that i look to humans as my representatives in the world. so clearly i need someone who can interact with humans and the human world as one of them but won't have their flaws. and so that gives us some background to and explains solomon's circumstances.

now in fgo itself the exact circumstances of solomon's birth and why he was born as he was are kind of vague, and i haven't seen anything in materials or other canon sources to elaborate (Dark Nasu, Show Me The Forbidden Solomon Backstory) but the one, somewhat cryptic line we're given to explain is that he was offered by david to god to make him into a greater king than he was. that's not exactly what happened in the original story but not really wrong either. it's a fairly legit and logical take on what happened there imo. what we're told is that god looked at baby solomon and went 'oh yeah, this kid seems pretty legit, i like this one' (when he was already born, not before that), and through a prophet, gives him a second name that literally means 'friend to god'. then, many, many chapters later, when david is old as balls and senile and slowly dying and there's a succession crisis blooming, nathan (who was the one that gave solomon his second name, as this part of the story’s acting prophet) has bathsheba resolve it by, ahem, 'reminding' him that he promised her that solomon will succeed him. and it's kind of Highly Conspicuous that we have never seen nor been told that this promise happened in the one part of the narration where it would have been most relevant to include so it's not out of the question that nathan had her persuade him of something that never happened because he was kind of very malleable at that point and with shit going down in court they needed a fast solution.

with that in mind i think fate goes under the assumption that this promise was actually real, and that the only major difference here outside of the magic/nasuverse specific elements is that solomon being chosen this way was something that happened before he was actually born, so it connected the two and combined them with how he's characterized in the chapters afterwards as the Good Flawless King and then with all sort of external sources that i can't really speak of since they’re not my area. the other main difference is the implication that david actually played a part in solomon's divine kingly destiny and planned on him being king from the start and specifically offered for god to raise him as such. and there's precedent for something like that with samuel who basically got offered by his mother to be raised as a divine prophet/judge, and the circumstances are more or less similar. samuel was offered by his mother to be in service to god and was raised by priests, which is close enough to being raised by god i guess? but he was totally separated from his parents, and he was definitely absolutely not inhumanly flawless lmao. so i think what david offered is roughly to the extent of 'i will give you my son to raise as his father instead of me, so you could raise him into the kind of king i couldn't be, while i'll stay out of his life so you can do your thing with him as you need'. and with samuel as an example for a similair offer/deal, i think he was expecting a normal human child, just one who'd grow up into a very skilled, competent king and without david's own flaws. and i imagine he was not planning on how it actually turned out for everyone involved.

and as for the reason why he even made the offer in the first place, i chose to look to the promise as the hint to the answer: at least part of it should likely be piousness and sincerely wanting to provide god with the kind of person he couldn't be, but it also means bathsheba, who became his wife under less then ideal circumstances and who lost both her husband and the first child she ever had and that should have been her husband's to his actions and his punishment, has guaranteed protection under her status as the king's mother and isn't thrown to the wolves when he dies, which is the issue she appeals to when she asks him to officially appoint solomon as his successor. being the king's mother gives her control and power in a world where she'd otherwise be in a very precarious position. theeeeeeeeennnn there's also some tradition-- i don’t remember much but i know it exists-- that claims she was his Favorite of his wives, probably for shallow reasons, though i don't think there's much internal textual evidence of that, but that's also A Thought. (i'm just saying, if they ended up developing an actually good connection and ended up loving each other for real that'd be a fascinating and very nasu twist but idk if i'm officially adopting that as my hc yet)

then there's the question of david's relationship to solomon.... there's different takes on it, from what i've seen in fancomics and stuff that does have transltions, and what i managed to understand from untranslated stuff. one interesting one is that david emotionally distanced himself as a result of the trauma of losing the baby from his initial affair with bathsheba, so he kept this distance from the second son he had with her so as to avoid something like that again-- -out of fear he'll lose him again if he allows himself to get emotionally attached. it's a trauma that would certainly be compounded after he lost tamar, amnon and then absalom and how that entire incident really broke him. i don't know if i totally subscribe to that but i think it's on to something.

in general i think of david as not a cruel or abusive father but definitely an emotionally distant one and not very actively present in his children's lives. the struggle of balancing being a king and being a human being had a wrench thrown in it when among all the roles he had to play came up the role of a father, which he just had zero understanding of how to approach or how it fits in with that balance-- the inhuman role of a king and the very human role of father are far more difficult to separate in the world of politics and the court, for him. drawing in from the source text, even in the bible you get the strong sense that he's not very attentive at the best of times, but the moment he loses any of his children, his grief is almost always overwhelming and unsubtle, even if it always manifests differently. in fgo materials their relationship is described as an indifferent one, which is to say, it's not a bad relationship because there's not much of a relationship at all to be good or bad, and i think it was sort of the case with most of his relationships with his children. of course, i also doubt there were absolutely no feelings or affection involved and that it was a totally apathetic one-- on david's part at least. solomon would have been given no room for human attachments such as family or the involved feelings, which means he'd also not feel the pain of the absence of such a thing or the need to have it. if he was given room to feel any sort of familial affection, it's likely a very shallow, vague one.

roman, i think, probably just has a lot of very complicated feelings on it that he's not sure what to do with and doesn't himself really understand. i also think this distance also means he never really understood david or was given the chance to, or, due to his own nature, been given any reason to want to. the absence of this relationship is something he feels in this new human life and understands that it was there and that it was not a good thing, but in a very vague way he's doesn't have the words for; he feels disconnected from it all because even as solomon he was very emotionally disconnected from his family and all that happened in it. and now there's the amount of time has passed and how long ago it would have been for him and how overall irrelevant it all ended up being for him... that david wasn't much of a father to him ends up not mattering much in practice because everything would have turned out the same even if he was, and it's hard to miss something he never felt he ever actually had. he knows there's an absence but doesn't feel it because solomon didn't feel it, and roman never got to experience any of it as roman.

and then he actually gets to meet david again thanks to chaldea. which is completely different as a human being with, like, Feelings, when you have all this knowledge in mind, and to look at a real breathing living human (figuratively speaking) right in front of you and for that person to register as Father in your head is a completely different experience then. it goes from a sort of vague, disconnected regret to a real, emotional understanding of what it is to have a father you never managed to connect to and who kept a distance from you for reasons you don’t understand, and then having the chance to form a connection, all while trying to figure out what the heck is going on with him because he's nothing like what you remember in life.

basically i think the first thing roman thought when he saw david was roughly something like 'whomst the fuckest is [waves hands vaguely] this guy because that is so not my dad', and it slowly segued into 'okay no now i see it, that's closer to the sort of things he'd say or do, but still, what the fuck'. he starts seeing david in an entirely new way on one hand after being exposed to this completely different side to him, but it's also confusing to re-contextualize with all his memories of him and how different he is. the last time they talked, david was on his deathbed giving him a list of people he wants him to murder the shit out of, and another list of people he absolutely does not want him to murder, and his last words were basically 'i leave it up to you how you'll do it legally but i need you to kill that motherfucker dead'. his last moments on the earth he still spent not as a father speaking to a son, but as a king to his successor. ... which suddenly he can also bring himself to feel actual strong feelings about when all of this begin to feel much more personal and much less distant, and also makes the absence of this relationship actually feel tangible, including the feelings of vague regret, maybe a desire to reconnect and to really develop this relationship now that he has the chance to actually know his dad, maybe even some kind of affection for the man-- and when it starts going there that's when he panics because he was not asking for this and does not want these feelings they're really bad and horribly inconvenient this is literally the worst time to be awakening to them!!!!!!

it's all a moot point, of course, because he can't even if he admitted to himself that he wanted to; he can't afford the risk of anyone that's not da vinci knowing, much less someone like this person who he doesn't really know or understand and wouldn't have his trust even under normal circumstances. but and in between all these considerations, he looks at david and wonders about him, wonders how to talk to him-- he  knows how to talk, as solomon, to His Majesty The King or to his father the king, but he doesn't know how to talk as a human being to someone he knows to be his father, person to person. he's both familiar and a complete stranger, and talking to him is just a source of headaches not just because of his general personality but because of this particular dissonance. and it's worse because he's also completely undecipherable and he can't tell what he's thinking at least half the time. as easy it might be to dismiss him and think there's nothing beyond what's going on on the surface, he still knows his dad well enough to understand that this is just not the case. and there's a lot of hindsight reflection over his childhood memories and of everything he does remember and in some way putting these things in a new context.

in practice how this manifests is really mostly that he just sort of hovers just outside his orbit, wanting to approach but avoiding at the last second, thinking all these things but not really doing anything beyond that, at one avoiding him and still being unable to resist the urge to engage with him anyway.

.... anyway this post got way way too big and i'm not sure how to end it, but these are almost all the thoughts/hcs i’ve developed for the past year or so. maybe a few minor things i missed or forgot.

Writer's Year In Review

This year has been a revelation. I went from deeply, irrevocably believing I can't write fiction at all to knowing that I'm actually pretty good at it!

It's given me the confidence to find work as a freelance writer and editor in real life, after years of unemployment and anxious paralysis resulting from chronic illness and trauma. A lot of other factors also helped but the fic writing played a huge role in getting my shit together.

General Fic Stats:

Word Count on AO3: 92284

Fics posted to AO3: 23

Favourite Fic:

Kiss It Better (Westallen).This fic is my baby. I love little Iris and little Barry in it so much, the hurt and confusion in each other they attempted to heal, how that healing carried into their adult love and family. It will always and always be my favourite thing I have ever written. Wee!stallen is my jam, and the reason I ship them so damn hard.

Do Not Go Gentle (Westallen). Ngl, I love this for the sheer amount of truly gratifying comments. Every single one of them have been emotional and flaily. It all makes me feel like I may have finally levelled up. Hallelujah. xD

Funniest Fic:

The Care and Feeding (Queenwestallen). This is my ultimate OT3. This fic, written as a list and discussion is 95% humour and contains some of my best banter and (I feel) characterization. An element I'm really proud of is how I managed to center and include all their important non-romantic relationships in their conversations. Iris's boisterous female friends, Oliver's friends, Cisco and Caitlin's snarky commentary all shoehorned themselves into the list with hilarious and wholesome results. 

It's not a popular OT3 but I feel like it's a good first attempt to drag this ship to water. xD

Cutest Fic:

Dancing Queen (Olivarry). Even after a year this contiues to be the fic with the highest kudos ratio (except for the more recent one) and the second most bookmarked. I love getting comments on this because they are all some variation of "my teeth hurt. I have diabetes!" xD Well, I did build it around a rainbow sprinkle icing sugar donut, but there is a significant dollop of angst there in the middle. A flangst donut.

Your Vigil In My Keeping (Westallen). This fic has less than 200 hits but has the highest kudos ratio of all. I guess kid fic isn't everyone's cup of tea, but Wee!stallen is cute af yo. I headcanon the origins of Barry and Iris's steadfast partnership in this story, where her faith and belief in him is as strong as his protectiveness of her, all tied up in the language and innocence of children.

Kinkiest Fic:

WA Smut and Kink Collection. I literally just posted this yesterday lol. So far it's just a face-sitting short, but I have quite a few hard and soft kinks lined up. Westallen needs more hard smut tbh, and they have such a unique powerfully loving dynamic that every kink I'm writing has required me to come at it a little bit sideways with a whole lot of emotional focus.

Saddest Fic:

Three fics I can't choose from.

Do Not Go Gentle (Westallen). This is basically Iris's grief and fear in a raging tempest, and it's strongly implied that the future Nora has warned them of will come to pass regardless of what they do. The fact is that there already is and will be a timeline where Iris loses Barry, just as there must be one where she won't, because that is the nature of potentiality. 

The Paradigm of Uncertainty (Westallen). This was a drabble almost, that ruminates on the probability that speedsters do not erase timelines but abandon them, along those versions of their loved ones. It's as @rkwago's brilliant comment says: "Iris hurts in so many weird, cosmic ways that her life is almost an eldritch horror house," which is the most perfect description ever of what it means to be a time traveller's wife.

The Universal Constant (Gen, background WA). A lot of people find the way Barry goes off on Joe cathartic in this fic, and so do I. But it's not so simple. I don't think Joe was wrong to form the views he did, or that anyone was in the wrong really. As @sophiainspace pointed out, it's a mediation of grief and love, their parallels and continuations between parents and children and lovers. The fact that it takes Henry's death for Barry to find the adult language to articulate to Joe why he will always believe in his father's innocence is a tragedy that cuts three ways.

(This fic is also the reason I have a folder in my drive marked "how to get away with murder" and probably a likely reason to get me arrested one day. xD)

Most Popular Fic:

Strangers In The Cold (Coldflash). The Coldflash fandom is a joy to feed. This was my first smut fic which was preceded by an entire chapter of banter about nothing in particular (except it ended up establishing a background that gave birth to the Coldflash vs Olivarry polyam series) And holy wow, for a newbie writer, the response has been amazing. Looking back, I wince at a lot of writing mistakes and its undeniably rough, but it really bolstered my confidence.

(I feel a little guilty that all my other CF stories are still in my WiP folder while I update the polyam series at snail's pace.)

The Shape of Us (Westallen). I wrote this on tumblr half-asleep one night, half as a rambly headcanon...and woke up to literally one hundred freaking notes. What the hell. Now at over 260, it's the most popular fic I've ever posted on tumblr.

I never consciously intended it to be a body-positivity fic but apparently women really relate to the insecurities of growing older and watching our bodies change with marriage, children and the sheer hectic pace of life. Even my non-fandom friends reblogged it simply for its representation of "real women". Barry's response is my own wish fulfillment fantasy; the sort of total acceptance and validation that we wish we could hear it the times we can't find it in ourselves. In light of the virulent body-shaming Candice Patton has been subjected to ever since she was revealed to have gained a fuller figure in S5, I'm very glad to have written it.

Least Popular Fic:

Carry On (Gen) This character study of Oliver Queen only has 135 hits a year after posting, which is par for the course with gen. But has a solid 12% kudos ratio, which means it's probably as good as I think it is. It's one of my favourite and easiest fics I have ever written.

Love Me Like You Do (Olivarry) Lordy, if my first Coldflash smut filled me with confidence, my first Olivarry smutfic all but ruined it. I struggled with it for a long time, unlike SitC, which I suppose shows in the over-descriptions. I got carried away with the quipping and I guess Barry topping at all is really not popular with slash fans?

Still, I'm honestly toying with the idea of deleting and rewriting it. At least it was a learning experience - don't write smut unless it makes you feel horny yourself.  

Most Challenging Fic:

Do Not Go Gentle (Westallen). I think the reason stories you knock off in two hours are instantly popular while the ones you slaved over for weeks barely get any attention is because the process is reflected in the ease of reading. But this one is an exception. It was an absolute monster, taking three weeks and several revisions to wrestle into submission - and it paid off in spades!  Going by the response, I seem to have achieved the wow factor I was going for.

My only regret is that I posted it on tumblr before the last revision that finally made it work, so that too many readers saw the lacklustre version rather than the polished one.

Honorable Mention:

A Stitch In Time (Olivarry for now, eventual Queenwestallen) Baby's first multi-chapter! Admittedly chapters 3 and 4 have been languishing in my drive for a few months now and this thing has 100% more deleted scenes and outtakes posted to my tumblr than the actual story on AO3. But I'm so proud of it! I learned to write action scenes because of it, how to write climaxes, dream sequences, news articles and tell a story in several different formats. It made me rediscover my empathy for Felicity and write her as a PoV character, think deeply on Laurel Lance's losses and give voice to her struggles, and explore how a real friendship and understanding could evolve between Oliver and Iris out of their mutual love for Barry. (Centering female characters within manpain narratives, ftw! Otoh, I centered Iris so much it veered off the Olivarry rails into Queenwestallen territory on its own)

There is so much meaty conflict and delicious looming disaster in this story that I'm determined going to keep at it, even if slow and steady. If only to bring the light of Barry/Iris/Oliver into the world. xD

Holding On (Olivarry). This real-world disability AU deals with chronic and mental illness and the precariousness and personal demons of that reality. I tore out the rawest parts of my life for this fic and put them on display so that I couldn't bear to show it to anyone for a year after it was written.

I'm very glad I did finally brush it off and put it up because it has struck a chord with so many people, especially other Spoonies. The low number of hits on a fic that deals in hurt/comfort rather stings, as I can't help but think the disinterest is because of the "disability" and "neurodivergence" tags. But I still think it's one of the best things I've written and one I'll always be proudest of.

General Reflections:

Things I've learned over the past year of writing:

- Self-deprecation is not my friend. I need to be honest enough with myself to acknowledge when my writing is good, because either I self-validate and build confidence or I become a black hole of insecurity where validation goes to die. And if I think I'm a bit better than I actually am, it's not just okay but necessary to believe it.

- What I call writer's block is perfectionism, anxiety and physical and mental fatigue. If I don't eat, sleep, hydrate and acheive a relaxed mental state, I won't be able to write. 

- Momentum is more my friend than any amount of inspiration and motivation. Sitting my ass down and make it a habit to churn out X number of words a day, even bad writing, will do more to help me than polishing an idea to a high shine. 

- If I don't forgive myself for the stories I can't write I'll never write anything. I am doing this for free, to share the love and joy and therefore obligated to no one. 

- I'm capable of writing things I don't have the first idea how to write. My fingers on a keyboard can paint the picture my brain can't visualize. 

I don't believe in New Year's resolutions, but I am going to make it a personal goal to write at least 15k words per month, learn to stick to a posting schedule where possible.  and end next year with an additional 150k words posted. 

To everyone who follows this blog, commented, reblogged and liked my posts - I see and remember and appreciate every one of you. You're the reason I feel seen and valued and why I am motivated to keep writing through all the difficulties life throws at me. <3<3<3

Allen’s End of the Year Rambling: Fighting Games

So now we get to the part of my End of the Year Rambling where I actually Ramble. This... this is gonna’ be a long one, and I haven’t even gotten to the RPGs yet... Lord help when I do. 

So yes, video games. I can’t just talk about everything in one go, I’ve played so much, played too much to be honest. So for the sake of my sanity I’ll be breaking this into genres, starting with fighting games.

I’ll be honest here, I’m not the best at fighting games. As much as I love a lot of the characters, as much as I enjoy writing lyrics to the character themes and fanfics for the lesser known  fighting games, I really couldn’t play at a competitive level for my life. My best game is Blazblue, and I can barely keep a 10% win rate on rank. 

No, my love of fighting games comes from the aesthetics and the animations.

Fighting games just tend to look very pretty in motion, and as someone that loves action and shounen and all that, games like these are right up my alley in terms of hitting those aesthetics. I don’t mind trying to learn how to play the game, but... well, “Git Gud” is a phrase that will forever haunt me for a reason. 

But yeah, I gave just about everything a shot as far as fighting games go this year. I played 2D fighters, 3D fighters, Brawlers, Side-Scrolling Beat-Em-Ups, and so on. If it went on sale on PSN or Steam, I tried it out. So here are some of the highlights and my general thoughts on some of these games.

So first I gotta’ talk about Guilty Gear Xrd Rev 2, Blazblue’s older brother in a way. I’m not gonna’ lie, my opinion of Guilty Gear is a tad... negative due to a lot of Guilty Gear fans putting down on Blazblue fans in the early years of Blazblue’s rising as a fighting game. I know I shouldn’t let that color my view of the game, but it does make it harder to make posts like this, and I can’t help but compare so many things in terms of characters and aesthetics. I tried a bit of Xrd when it came out, the original Xrd back in 2014. I mainly played Chipp and Ramlethal, then mostly Ramlethal since she was a bit easier than Chipp (online anyway). I liked a lot the visuals and animations, it was a bit grittier than Blazblue, and had a much easier story to follow despite being the 3rd (major) game in the series than the time-traveling, multi-dimensional, quantum-mechanical science-meets-magic craziness that was Blazblue. Hell, the voice casting was actually pretty good, even if it felt like they used literally 10 voice actors at times (I swear every English voice actor was playing at least 2 characters). I put it down after awhile and went back to Blazblue and Under Night In-Birth. 

What brought me back to Guilty Gear was actually Answer, and not Baiken to everyone’s surprise. As much as I love samurais and tough girls, Answer hit every single Ninja aesthetic I could ask for in the world of Guilty Gear. His suit, his style, how he talks on the phone while he fights, his theme, oh lord, his theme. I bought Rev 2 with every intent on Maining him.

Then I realized I had to learn how his scrolls worked to do that, and went right back to maining Ram.

As far as the story of Rev 2 goes, I... I really don’t care for it. I honestly didn’t bother with it after chapter 2. And honestly, it was because this game didn’t get dubbed. 

Yeah... sorry if I’m bringing up an old point of complaint, but when games have visual novel-style cutscenes, or a CG movie in the case of Guilty Gear, to showcase their story I’d really prefer a dub. It’s just easier for me personally to follow the information a bit more. The Japanese voice actors sound fine, and I do prefer Ramlethal’s Japanese voice as a oppose to Erin Fitzgerald if I’m being frank, but... I need a dub for these kinds of story scenes, hearing it in a language I understand helps me. There are exceptions, but they are few and far between, and I’m especially not cutting Guilty Gear a break because of that. The only reason I tolerated it in Blazblue is because it was the finale to Ragna’s story, and I was personally invested in Ragna’s character after 3 games. Sol and the cast of Guilty Gear... don’t get that advantage with me since was my first time really caring about the story. I played a bit of Guilty Gear XX beforehand, but not enough to care.

In terms of how it plays, it’s fine. Personally, I think Guilty Gear is way more strict with inputs. You can’t just fumble around with joystick and expect to combo into a DP like in Blazblue, you need to be accurate. You also have to account for close and far-ranged normals like with Slash and Heavy Slash. Guilty Gear is... just a different animal for me. A more strategic and precise one that punishes mistakes heavily.

I do like a lot about it though. It’s music definitely surpasses Blazblue in terms of quality, my favorites of the Rev 2 track is One Dawn, Dizzy’s theme, and Enough is Enough, Answer’s theme. I’m... trying get lyrics together for those songs, but... eh, it’ll take some times.

Next up, we’ve got Street Fighter 5. Admittedly, I’m not a huge fan of the Street Fighter series, but I do like a handful of character in the sense of aesthetics. Makoto and Ibuki are my favorites, but yeah, I actually bought this game since it was real cheap at the time and I wanted to see if I could actually get into it despite it’s focus on competitive play. I heard this game wasn’t for those looking for a single-player experience, but I needed to see that for myself.

And man, this game is actually tough. Sorry, for the sudden segue, but mechanics of Street Fighter so different to the fast-pace style of an ASW fighter. Doing combos is so hard for me. I know Guilty Gear was tough and punished mashing, but Street Fighter is so much slower paced with how you need to approach it. This game does not want you to button mash for combos. Like, at all. In fact, the main reason I like Ibuki so much is because she one of the few characters who has a handful of combos that you can mash. You need to time things carefully, and that makes things a nightmare for me in netplay sometimes.

But, back to my time with the game. I know I’m beating a dead horse with this critique, but the lack of a true arcade mode or any really single-player experience outside of Survival Mode really bugs me. As someone that isn’t good on a competitive level, nor has an interest in the competitive scene of Street Fighter, I feel like there’s nothing keeping me around. Maybe I could find a group of beginners like me and just pal around with them and improve, but... I don’t know, I don’t think it’s worth it.

In terms of good things about this game, I like the presentation very much. We can... talk about character models and their hair another time, but I like a lot of the outfits and style of the characters. Certain outfits I just had to get for the aesthetics of them. Like I said before, Street Fighter has aesthetics, but... not much outside that is keeping me playing it. Eh, maybe I write a fanfic about the series, who knows?

Alright, next is something I was meaning to get to for awhile, King of Fighters 14. Between this and Street Fighter, I much prefer this one. The inputs took me a minute to get use to, realizing that special inputs could be combined into super inputs and all that, but I like the combo system in this game. I find it a little faster paced than Street Fighter, but not as fast as something like Blazblue. It’s a nice middle ground given my experiences, something I’d be willing to stick a little bit more time into. 

I had to uninstall this due to... certain events happening this year with my PS4, but I’m hoping to buy a physical copy of this game at some point in 2018 and try this out in earnest. My favorite characters to use were Mian, Luong, and Mui Mui. I messed around a little with Alice and Vanessa too at the time before... the event. I’m just hoping there’s still a community afterwards when I get this game later.

And last one my fighting game highlights, I tried to get into Tekken 7. I really tried too, but there’s just a lot that’s dissuading me from it. Much like Street Fighter, I feel like the focus was on online and competitive play instead of making a single player experience. Story mode I didn’t care much for since I’m apathetic to Tekken’s storyline as a whole. Arcade mode... is barely there. There’s Treasure battle, but it doesn’t feel like much of a game there. Honestly, I think Tekken 6 was a little better at this. I feel like a lot of previous fighting game titles did more for the single player experience to be honest. I mean, it’s fine if they want to focus on multiplayer and online,but that just didn’t keep my attention. I’m not really interested in reaching a higher tier of playing a fighting game unless we’re talking about Blazblue and Under Night In Birth.

Now if there’s one good thing I can say about Tekken, it’s the animations. If there’s any reason I get 3D fighters, it’s for how fluid all the characters look and move. It’s why I like Virtua Fighter, it’s why I like Dead or Alive, and it’s why I like Tekken. Your character just does cool stuff when playing them, and unlike 2D fighters, it really feels like you’re doing all the crazy martial arts action. Spectacle is probably the main reason I love Tekken so much, and even if I feel this game is lacking, I’ll probably come back to it eventually... eventually.

Honorable Mentions

Blazblue Central Fiction 2.0: I’ll talk about the Blazblue series in depth another time, but I do want to at least finally welcome Jubei to the cast, it’s nice to have you here Cat Person, here’s hoping we can see you in Cross Tag Battle.

Dead or Alive 5: I actually played this a bit more often over this year, not enough to talk about it in depth, but I’ll admit there’s more to this game mechanically than the breast setting... plus I... spend roughly $100 on cute outfits for the girls... hehe... what can I say, I’m a bit of a shameless pervert.

Absolvers: While technically not a fighting game, there’s enough fighting and martial arts in this game for me to give it a quick mention. I liked it well enough, I just wish it ran at a higher frame rate on the PS4 though.

The Plethora of Small-Scale Fighters/Old Re-Releases I Bought This Year: If I talked about all the fighting games I bought and I’d be here all day, so I’ll just list them off here.

Brawlhalla

Chaos Code New Sign of Catastrophe

Garou: Mark of the Wolves

The Last Blade

Melty Blood

Blade Arcus from Shining: Battle Arena

Arcana Heart 3 Love Max Six Stars

And that’s it for fighting games. Again, I care more about fighting games in terms of aesthetics and animations, something I’ll probably Ramble about in the future, but for now... I’ll see you all when I talk about the Fate series... yeah, I’m really hesitating to talk about RPGs guys, just... give me a week at least.

*SPOILER ALERT* Do you know in Skylanders Academy, Malefor is Cynder's father, and Master Eon is Kaos' father? Don't worry, this is NOT in the games.

Lol oh trust me, I’m fully aware this isn’t in the games x,D it was stated by Eric like, season one that Skylanders Academy was it’s own take on the Skylanders lore and wasn’t connected to the games, the comics, nada (except of course for nods and injokes). It’s like it’s own alternate universe and that’s how I treat it totally, as WL is the same; it’s own AU take on Skylanders. 

I re-watched the last two episodes specifically to get a better grasp on my own takes on the finale. This is just my own thoughts so feel free to share your own on this post too!

The whole Malefor/Cynder thing surprised me, and I freakn’ LOVED IT. Long, loooooong ago while I was still thinking of ‘what ifs’ for Feuriah’s Dawn, Cynder was going to be Malefor and Feuriah’s daughter before Kurogh was created. I drew a pic even of Cynder asking Ignitus about her father, and Ignitus looking conflicted to tell her as he knew. But, I was very dumb and deleted it when I decided that wasn’t canon anymore :T So, seeing him as her father again feels SO WEIRD that it’s good!

I was at first sad that Malefor wasn’t the one trapped in Kaossandra’s book, and that he was just a regular Dragon King. But, I quickly grew to like it. For one it made me question well okay, then WHO is in the book, and two they still gave him a dark backstory with him helping slaughter a species (or banish, i say slaughter because I’m melodramatic AF) yet he’s also funny and a doting papa. It’s a side of Malefor we never saw in games and it gave him more depth and character he’s ever had. (in canon I mean, not including fan works of course) Heck, I never even gave him that much likeability, which is something I want to re-consider now seeing how much it suddenly made me more interested in Malefor again.

Also played with the idea if like, Feuriah was just sucked into this AU like Crash was and had to meet Malefor again, only to have him loving Cynder as his daughter and asking Feur on a taco date 8,D Also I play with the idea that Skylanders Academy Malefor is a single dad because it’s cute. BEST EVIL TACO KING DAD.

Now, onto the huge reveal on the final episode. When Strykore walked out I was slightly disappointed, only because I thought it was like, Evilon or Evil Eon from the Mirror of Mystery level, but I like him. I think I was falling asleep on my first viewing because I did NOT remember Eon taking off his helmet. Of course, until we get season 3 nothing is set in stone so this is just guessing for funsies.

Kurt mused the idea that maybe Eon split himself into two beings; one of pure light, and another pure evil. The pure evil one could have been Kaossandra’s lover originally until she realized how blindly evil he was (as I headcanon that she’s a lot like Feuriah thinking that there has to be a balance of good and evil, one can’t topple the other but instead maintained). So good Eon wasn’t Kaossandra’s lover, but Strykore was and is Kaos’ true father. Though if this was true, I wonder why they didn’t give Strykore Kaos’ eye markings? His mother doesn’t have them and apparently his father doesn’t either, but I dunno. That could be an interesting question to ask Eric Rogers maybe but I semi-fear that might be a spoiler for season 3 in some way.

Though I’m not 100% convinced Strykore is Kaos’ true father. When Kaossandra flew to the Academy and urged Eon “Let’s save OUR boys!”, for a second I questioned if Strykore is actually Kaos’ older brother and Eon’s firstborn son, but posed as Kaos’ father to trick him into freeing him. But that feels pretty loose as an idea and maybe a little too far fetched. I lean more toward the split from Eon thing. I thought Strykore could maybe even be Eon’s brother and Strykore has the forehead markings too, but thanks to that cliffhanging finale we just don’t know for sure 8,D His personality pretty much lines up with whomever I would have made to be his father in WL (never had plans to give him a father tho, just have him as lore/backstory but long gone). 

Either way, GOOD STUFF!!! Just what I was hoping for with this season, it was better than the first one! My favorite part being the character development Kaos went thru... i was so proud of my boi 8,D Seeing him actually LEARN from things while still being Kaos was so freakn’ good, that’s the kind of Kaos I try to portray with WL. Though of course, WL Kaos is like 30+ years older than the one in the show 8,D not that it really shows visibly but with character development. It was like the ending of Superchargers, I was so excited with that because THAT was the first time Kaos had any semblance of character development (only to have him return to his usual self in Imaginators... yeah hated how Kaos was portrayed in that game story wise :

Holy ramble batman O_O’ I still want to re-watch the entire series again and I will, but I’ll take my time digesting all this delicious new Skylanders content ;u; I don’t know how it’ll effect WL but I’m excited and inspired for sure!~Weird Hyenas

EURIGYPTIAN HISTORY In the beginning, there was only the Creator and the hill. A single path led up the hill, and atop it rest nothing. A piece of the Creator came apart and decided to begin a kingdom. He, of course, was the king. The ocean was not in support. A piece of the hill was lost to the waves, and the king and Creator both realized that in order to survive, they must create an impregnable fortress. The first wall was built by the Creator, by orders of the king, small and lumpy, but ever growing. The ocean, however, remained relentless. After twenty years of building and rebuilding, the castle hill was relocated further from the coast and reformed into a pyramid. Most importantly, war was declared against the ocean. The first wall was abandoned, though it still stood tall, and another came to be built. The space between the new wall and the castle was carved into a valley for the people, where they could till land and provide grain for the kingdom. The war grew heavy on the hearts of the people and the king, with the valley flooding regularly. The original plan was for the wall to be built from front to back to front, but with only the east being defended, severe flooding from the west forced the creator to work from both sides. Despite the hardship, the king still made plans for decoration of the castle and wall, plans left for times of relative peace. But as the war went on, he became angry and bitter. He changed the plans for the wall to make them taller, more intimidating, and spread propaganda saying that they were to engage in total war against the ocean. The Creator conceded, but due to the wall still being in the first stages of building, it was not to be given the intimidating features for the wall. The king's court was displeased with this, but there was little they could do as they could not commune with the Creator as he could. As the king grew older, though, he also grew more senile. After fifty years under him, his mind broke. He began rambling about plans of making the wall into a giant worm and using dark magic to bring it to life. The court took this as reason enough to assassinate him. The event was quickly swept under the rug and his son, the prince, succeeded him. The prince was a smart, capable and clear-minded man, and although he was quite young, he would prove himself beyond all doubt. The walls were built further back, though they were still not complete. At times, the ocean would still reach past the first wall and flood half, or more than half, of the valley. Many died in these attacks by the ocean. It was during this time that the first wall finally began to crumble. The Creator spent much time rebuilding the current walls, smoothing them over with sand drier than the people had ever seen. The king, though wise, was not infallible, and asked the Creator to build the walls as tall as he could. The Creator assured him this was not structurally sound and could cause the walls to collapse into the valley. This was the first rift between any king with the Creator, and the king attempted to build on his own. This proved futile and a waste of resources, and in less than a year the dispute was settled. With the well-maintained walls, the people finally had a chance to flourish at least somewhat. At the same time, many grew angry with the Creator. If He was as large as the legends said (it was said the wall reached to his ankle), why could He not simply lie in front of the kingdom and block the waves? The people began to turn their attention to other gods, those of farming and ritual, which renewed religious sentiment and fleshed out the faith of many. The anger did not last too long, as within a few decades, the king's men had made a new discovery as they scouted further from the shore. There were many fertile sands behind the castle that had yet to be tilled. The king decided a border wall must be built to protect the land. Instead of the wall, the Creator tried something new- terraforming. Many times before, he had left marks in the land. The people knew these marks as the Feet of the Creator. However, He had never done this on purpose. He built wide cliffs on the border, and dug the land into the cliffs, creating a natural border. The king was more than satisfied with this. The expectation was that the sands would all be dedicated to more farmland, but being far enough from the coast, and with no fear of flooding, many decided to pursue technology and fine crafts. It was at this period that aqueducts and glassmaking were invented. They also discovered astronomy and began to track the movement of the sun across the sky. At the start of their civilization, it was closer to the east, but as time went on, it grew higher in the sky. Due to the birth of a more scientifically minded subculture becoming more established, the kingdom was able to bring together a royal court of scientists. One day, they made a chilling discovery about ocean behavior- it was not sentient as was formerly believed. The tide operated mindlessly as it threw itself against the kingdom. Many were chilled to think that this was a form of true total war like the king a century ago had conspired towards. With a small interest in culture growing among the people, most non-farmers began to turn to and reinterpret the old texts about the gods. They began to believe that the Creator was more than a builder, and that in fact He had created the entirety of the universe. They also viewed Him as omniscient and omnipotent, and decided all other gods must be either saints or angels below Him. They eventually converted enough of the upper classes that in order to appease them, the king had to stop saying that he gave the Creator orders, and instead began to tell people that he interpreted the will of the Creator. With so much attention being payed to the colonies behind the castle, the people of the first valley felt neglected. The wall was beginning to lose some form to the relentless ocean, with maintenance becoming sloppy and infrequent. The king wanted to rebuild the first wall, but could not gain enough support from the newer colonies to enact this. Still, he knew he needed to appease both parties somehow. He decided to rebuild the wall as a memorial, making it somewhat functional but mostly a monument of sorts. It was quickly built and the Creator went back to building in the newer colonies. This small wall had rather large unintended consequences. People began to read up on history in order to better understand the memorial, and interest in culture swelled to new heights. The king decided it was time to start carrying out the plans of the king before him to decorate and beautify the castle, making it into a proud reminder of what the kingdom could accomplish. It was discovered by the Creator that the best way to decorate was to use incredibly wet sand, which therefore led to the kingdom waiting for reasonably sized waves to encroach upon the sands. This was seen as a sign of alliance, and led to peace for the first time in history. The kingdom began to work with the ocean. Efforts that were formerly spent on war were redirected towards improving infrastructure, and the kingdom experienced its largest population boom. However, the peace lasted only twelve years before the ocean struck again with the largest wave ever recorded. The valley was flooded in its entirety, and even some of the land behind the castle was affected. Over half of the population died and the Creator redoubled his efforts at building the wall, packing the sand more tightly and maintaining it more strictly. It was around this time that scientists declared the kingdom not prone to flooding for the first time in history, due to the formidable reinforcements. Only months after the announcement, the valley flooded partially again. However, it was only a sliver of land that was affected, and so the wall was still considered an astounding success. The people also became privy to other dangers. One day, a foot that did not belong to the Creator was seen out by the cliffs. The land was temporarily damaged. These attacks shook the faith of the upper class, and by the time the king's son would rise to power, the new belief system would be out of government. However, the current king was tentative to flip the script again, so he went on as he did for the remainder of his reign. The third king wished to continue with plans to decorate and improve the wall, which had been abandoned since the reign of the first king. He drafted an entirely new set of plans. Shells were installed on the front of the wall, and the same finger drip technique used for the castle was used to adorn the wall. Something else was added that received overwhelming support from the farmers- watchtowers. These would make those at the posts able to warn the people of a large wave a few days in advance, allowing them to evacuate. Casualties were at an all-time low, and morale was at an all-time high. Though the war may have stretched on, the people knew peace. As time went on and less was built, many began to think the Creator was perhaps only a myth. Many scientific explanations arose for phenomena formerly explained by the Creator. The "Feet of the Creator", the landmarks to the east, were explained as shifting sands from the tides creating holes. The other "foot" that had attacked the cliffs was only due to the instability of the drier sands causing a collapse. The dry sands used to maintain the wall centuries before was now said to have been blown down by the winds. They used this logic to explain a growing mound of sand on the western border furthest from the coast, although it was in fact commissioned by the king to stop such feet like before from attacking the cliffs again. It was also believed that the kingdom was first built using a lost form of architecture. Many attempts were made to recover these techniques, but ultimately, they all failed. Years later, the Creator was proven to exist undoubtedly in the minds of the people. The entire kingdom observed Him rising up, and near Him was another being like Himself, roughly the same size but seemingly female. The voice of this being boomed across the kingdom, inciting the first thunderstorm, and the people saw the Creator show fear for the first time. He was led away by the female, then returned briefly for a final adieu, and then the kingdom was truly godless.