#the last time I felt this bad was during one of my worse ed relapses and i haven't actually relapsed in a while
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•If The World Was Ending•
This one shot is based off of the song If The World Was Ending by JP Saxe and Julia Michales. Sorry about no italics, when i copied it over they didn’t change and I can’t go and change all of them.
~
I was distracted
And in traffic
I didn't feel it
When the earthquake happened
Edward Kaspbrak, risk analyst, fellow New Yorker, was stuck in the one thing he hated most, traffic. The air conditioner in his car was on high, the mid-June air was hot and humid. As much as he craved to open the windows and get some fresh air, he knew how prone he was to road rage, especially during traffic, and wasn’t in the mood to hear his victim’s response. He just wanted to curse them out in peace.
“What the fuck is going on? MOVE ASSHAT!” He shouted at the car in front of him that just randomly halted. He watched in confusion as the driver, a teenage girl, stepped out of her car and looked around. Then he noticed a couple other drivers doing the same. Traffic had completely stopped around him, it created a weird vibe, New York became quieter for a moment and it was very unnerving.
Eddie considered it for a moment, everyone’s stopped so you’re not gonna get hit by a car, he thought before he followed suit and got out of his car.
“What the hell is going on?” He asked the closest person to him, which was the teenage girl. She had short wavy brown hair and wore a jean vest and matching shorts.
“You didn’t feel it?” Her voice is filled with concern as she raises an eyebrow.
“Feel what?”.
“The earthquake,” She says.
But it really got me thinkin'
Were you out drinkin'?
Were you in the living room
Chillin' watchin' television?
The news sent a wave of worries through Eddie’s body, he raked his hand through his hair. His gaze went slightly blurry as he tried to examine his surroundings, seeing if anything had collapsed or if people were screaming.
The teen must’ve noticed his change in emotion as she continued with, “It wasn’t major or anything. The news guy said everything is fine. But you know New Yorkers, they overreact and all” She smiled nervously at him, worried that she’d used the wrong words.
There’d been a policeman a couple of cars down and she advised everyone to get back into their cars and wait for the traffic to pick up again. So Eddie got back into his car. It took awhile for the traffic to pick up again but it did.
His knuckles turned white, gripping the steering wheel as his mind began to race with the thought of what his wife, Myra, must be thinking right now.“She’s probably throwing a fit right now cause I’m not home” he sighed as he glanced at his phone on its stand. He noticed that it wasn’t able to connect to wifi or data. The lines must be down or something…. Shit. Eddie realized, knowing that would only make things worse.
“Ah fuck me”, he sighed in frustriation. Only then did Eddie reluctantly release one of his hands from the steering wheel to pinch the bridge or his nose.
Eds, at least buy me dinner first, a voice popped into Eddie’s head, but it wasn’t his. Oh no, he’d never refer to himself as that terrible nickname. Only one person ever called him that nowadays... Richie.
I wonder what the ‘famous comedian’ Richie Trashmouth Tozier is doing. Eddie smirked at the idea. He wondered if Richie was blackout drunk, high as a bird, or jerking it in his room. That’s something Eddie had been doing a lot of lately, especially when times were tough back at his apartment with Myra. (not jerking off, thinking or Richie)
His mind would wonder about his childhood best friend, how he was doing, what his latest comedy sketch was about (since he started writing his own stuff after the IT incident), he also worried about Richie’s bad habits. Ever since he was a teen he had a bit of a smoking problem, cigarettes and weed, and some drinking. But Eddie knew it only grew worse with time. Richie explained how he had actually been pretty clean until Mike called him, then he relapsed. Eddie knew that after the fight, after Richie got stuck in the fucking deadlights, he had been suffering from night terrors, which prompted his insomnia, which made more time for him to drink and smoke.
It's been a year now
Think I've figured out how
How to let you go and let communication die out
Sadly he hasn’t talked to Richie in a year, since the incident, since he left the hospital. He lived without Richie for so long, it should’ve been easy to forget about him again. But now he had old memories that weren’t there before, ones of a childhood he forgot he lived through. It’s been a year now, and Eddie has finally pushed down all of the feelings for his childhood crush. He was letting Richie go, finally able to let the communication die out.
Eddie had been in the hospital for over a month and Richie was the only one who stayed, Bev had to go file a divorce, Ben had architect stuff to architect, Bill had a movie to finish and a wife to apologize to, Mike had a world to see, and Stan had a vacation to take with his wife. As much as they all wanted to stay, the only reason they didn’t was that they knew Eddie was safe in Richie’s care.
The day before Eddie officially woke up, he had been in and out of consciousness and he could hear bits and pieces of conversations, hell, sometimes he even saw flashes of the room around him. But there was one conversation that stuck out to him, the one he remembered the most.
Richie was by his side, the only one in the room, voice low. Although he couldn’t see Richie, he could tell that he’d been crying. Richie started out by talking about some of his favourite memories with him from their childhood, from before they left Derry. The hot days at the quarry, their cuddles in the hammock, the nights Richie had nightmares (yes he had them even as a kid so that makes these current nightmares so much worse, cause he had to handle them alone) and would sneak into Eddie’s room during the late hours of the night. Those were the nights that they’d talk until Richie’s mind was at ease, about nothing yet everything all at the same time. If Richie felt better he’d head home, but most nights they’d fall asleep in each other’s arms. Richie’s mind filled with worries about falling into the same nightmare again so Eddie would hold him close to make sure Richie felt safe as sleep took him away.
Then Richie continued to talk about how close he and Eddie had been, and how even when he moved away, and forgot, he always knew he’d been missing something. He explained how that night at the Jade of the Orient, he finally felt whole again. Eddie blacked out for a little bit afterwards, he still kicks himself for that, even though he had no control over it. But he came back just in time to hear the end of Richie’s speech.
“Eds… I know we argue, I call you out and annoy the ever-living shit out of you, but those are the conversations I live for. You know every joke I make is just me trying to get you to laugh, right? I knew how hard it was at home for you, so I always wanted to give you the chuckles that you never got at home” Richie stopped for a moment. He let out a little chuckle himself, “That last year we had together was the best year of my fucking life. Because it was you and me against the world. A-And the day you left… Eddie I kick myself every day for not saying it back. Because I love you, so fucking much” he took a moment to collect himself. “It’s funny to think that I never realized it sooner, all of the early mornings and late nights, scalding summer days and afternoons in the freezing winter. I loved you since the day you squished your small, cute, ass in that hammock with me. I’ve loved you since the day you skipped school to take care of me when I threw up. Fuck…. Eddie I’ve loved you since fifth grade when you gave me that stupid valentine card with the cat cause you knew I never got any. I never stopped loving you-” Eddie drifted off, unable to hear the rest of the confession. Though he couldn’t hear him, he did feel a hand lay over his, and his fingers laced together with another’s. Then he felt Richie plant an ever so soft kiss on his forehead.
I never told Richie that I’d overheard him, how could I? How could I just randomly admit to him that when we were cuddled up in that hammock, I felt more at home than I have in my entire life? How I suddenly felt safe when his arms wrapped around me. How my heart skipped a beat every time our skin accidentally touched. And how I secretly adored every damn stupid nickname you called me because they were something that only you and I shared. They were mine, and I was yours. How can I admit that that year, was a year I cherished until the day I forgot it, because of that fucking clown.
After all of his memories returned to him after the incident, Eddie recalled a day he swore he could never forget, the day before he left for college. He was going to some out of state college to escape his mother, who’s grip had only gotten worse over the years.
Richie and Eddie had started dating about a year prior. After years of silent pinning and pent up emotions, Richie finally burst and admitted his feelings for him. That year, their final year of highschool, was one for the history books. The two were inseparable, determined to spend every living second together before Eddie had to leave for college. And they did, for the most part.
Almost every night Richie would sneak into Eddie’s room and the two would kiss and make out, then snuggle the rest of the night away. At school they always found time for each other, in between classes, secretly meeting in the bathroom, even discreetly holding hands under their desks.
The one thing they never did was say ‘I Love you’. Both of them were subconsciously waiting until the time was right. Eddie thought the right time was the day he left for college.
“What am I going to do without my Chee? Who’s gonna give me stupid nicknames and crawl through my window now?” Eddie hugged Richie tightly.
“You’ll find someone, I know you will” Richie brushed the comment aside. It’s something he’d been doing for the past week or so. Whenever Eddie mentioned the future, him coming back for Christmas or Richie coming up to visit him, Richie always brushed it under the rug, never in the mood to talk about it. Eddie always assumed it was because he wanted to live in the moment and not worry about the future, but even then, he seemed distant.
A voice rang overhead, announcing that Eddie’s flight was now boarding.
Here goes nothing
He looked up at Richie, who’s eyes seemed sad and dark. “Richie, I want you to know that I will always love you” Eddie’s voice was quiet, almost vulnerable.
Richie pulled away and hesitated before saying “E-Eddie, I-I don’t know if I can do this whole long distance thing. You’re so, so good, and you deserve someone who can be there for you-”.
Eddie was taken aback, suddenly disgusted by how he thought Richie would ever love him back, “Rich, what are you talking about? Just last week you said you were okay with his”.
“Yeah? Well that was last week, and this is now. I just don’t wanna hold you back from meeting new- and better people when you’re away” Richie quickly hugged Eddie, not wanting to continue the conversation as he knew the tears it’d bring. “I’m sorry” He whispered as he gave Eddie one finally look, then left.
It was the day that changed everything for Eddie. The day he wished he could forget since it clouded his vision, kept him up at night, and distracted him from almost everything. One day he did forget it, but it all came back the day he saw Richie Tozier at the Jade of the Orient.
Neither of them had brought up the breakup, neither did any of the other Losers. They were all aware that it was a sensitive topic and opted to keep the mood light while reliving their childhood memories. The mood wasn't worried between Richie and Eddie, but it wasn't the same either. It was as if things had gone back to when they were just friends, the constant banter and bickering.
I know, you know, we know
You weren't down for forever and it's fine
I know, you know, we know
We weren't meant for each other and it's fine
After Eddie was released from the hospital, he had gotten on his first flight to New York and returned to Myra. He’d convinced himself that everything he heard during his coma was a dream. After so many years of internalized homophobia, it was hard to stop now.
He’d thanked Richie for everything and insisted he was okay. He made sure Richie would head back to LA and continue his job, but he also made him promise to start writing his own material. He told Richie it’d finally convince him to go to one of his shows. Sadly he still had yet to purchase a ticket or even watch his shows on Netflix. Now, every time he saw famous comedian Richie Tozier, he could only remember the boy he’d once give the world for, the boy who didn’t love him back.
But if the world was ending
You'd come over, right?
You'd come over and you'd stay the night
Would you love me for the hell of it?
The sky'd be falling and I'd hold you tight
And there wouldn't be a reason why
We would even have to say goodbye
If the world was ending
You'd come over, right?
Right?
Even though he forgot, Eddie always knew something was off. No matter who he was with, it never felt right. That’s because Richie Tozier had taken a piece of his heart the day he never said it back. Then the day Eddie left the hospital, he’d left an even bigger piece with the boy he still loved.
If the world was ending
You'd come over, right?
Right?
His phone beeped, indicating that he'd received a text.
Ben: Hey Eddie, just wanted to check in and make sure you're safe, heard about the earthquake. Bev says hi!
It was from Ben. Eddie noticed his phone was back on data, so that text was followed by a million texts and calls from Myra. He clicked on the contact and clicked the call button.
“Hey, Eddie!” Ben's voice sounded relieved, “How's a going, is everything okay?”.
“Hey, yeah… I'm okay” Eddie hesitated, “Just shaken” he breathed. If he were talking to anyone else he would've just said he was okay, but Ben was a Loser, and Losers never lied.
“Good I'm glad to he-” Ben was suddenly cut off by the sound of his wife's voice from beside him.
“Ask if he's heard from Richie!” Bev's voice got louder as she spoke, most likely approaching from another room.
“R-Richie? Why would I have heard from him?” Eddie tensed up, caught off guard.
He was met with the sounds of muffled talking and someone grabbing the phone, “Hey Eddie, sorry- I was just wondering cause well, Richie was in his New York apartment for the week and we texted him to see if he was okay but he didn’t answer-” Bev explained.
“Wait- Richie’s in New York? Really?” Eddie tried to hide the excitement in his voice but failed.
“Y-Yeah, didn’t he tell you?” She sounded confused.
The truth was, as much as Eddie wanted to, he never asked Richie for his number when they reunited. Neither did Richie.
Eddie spoke before he could think through his words, “What’s his address?”, even he was shocked at the question.
“Here, I’ll text it to you. Why- Eddie what are you scheming?” He could hear the smirk in her voice, as if she knew what he was going to do before he did it.
“Nothing, nothing… I just wanna check in on our resident trashmouth and make sure he hasen’t fucking OD’d on Capri Sun or some shit” Eddie scoffed as the two on the other end laughed.
If the world was ending
You'd come over, right?
Right?
After their call ended, Eddie opened google maps and typed in Richie’s address.
~
I tried to imagine
Your reaction
It didn't scare me when the earthquake happened
Famous comedian Richie Tozier was indeed drinking Capri Sun, though he hadn't reached the point of overdosing, he could tell his taste buds were in the midst of destruction, as he’d just finished his fourth Capri Sun. Which is about 3 more than he should’ve had.
Richie only noticed the ground shaking after it had happened. He knew that if you were inside during an earthquake you were supposed to get outside as soon as possible, but it was so quick, should I go? He thought before sitting up from his couch and shuffled towards the door.
He glanced out into the hallway of his apartment floor and noticed some of his neighbours doing the same. He gave them a nod before one of the managers came through the door that led to the stairs. He advised everyone to stay inside as it was only a minor earthquake and there was no reason to leave.
Instead of reclaiming the spot on his couch, Richie went and took a seat on his balcony. This is something that he’s been doing more as the weather got warmer. He had put a chair out there, so when he got comfortable he propped his feet up on the railing and took in the skyline.
He couldn’t help but think what his hypochondriac, asthmatic, piece of pasta, was up to right now.
That idiot is probably losing his shit over the earthquake.
Richie chuckled to himself as he recalled how he was always prepared for something like this. Even in his younger years, his fanny pack was always equipped with the supplies to handle anything, from scraped knees, to runny noses. It was one of the many things he loved about Eddie… Yes, love.
The thought prompted Richie to run his hand over his face. He then removed his glasses and pressed the palms of his hands onto his closed eyes. His eyes started to tear up as he re-lived an old memory he once forgot.
But it really got me thinkin'
That night we went drinkin'
Stumbled in the house
And didn't make it past the kitchen
They’d been dating for just over a month now. Things were still exciting, still new. Something neither of them had experienced before. To say that they tried to spend every moment together was an understatement. Because once their feelings were out in the open, they hadn't been able to get off of eachother. They were always touching in one way or another. Whether it was holding hands, Richie having his arm draped over Eddie or Eddie having his arm around Richie’s waist.
It was one of the rare occasions where Sonia Kaspbrak had left town for the weekend, out to go visit family, and she hadn't taken Eddie with her, like usual. So Richie and Eddie had the Kaspbrak residence all to themselves. Sure they spent the first half of the night drinking cheap beer with the other Losers at the Quarry, but after they got home they had their most memorable make out sessions to date.
They’d just entered the house and Richie had already picked up Eddie. Their kisses become more intense as the space between their bodies vanished. The smaller boy wrapped his arms around the taller's neck and his legs around his waist, hugging him like a koala. The curly haired teen had his hands positioned on the other’s ass, he gave it a little squeeze before he set him down on the kitchen counter.
Once Eddie’s butt had gone numb, Richie’s legs got tired, and both their lips grew raw, Eddie hopped off the counter and grabbed Richie’s hand. He pulled his smitten boyfriend up the stairs and to his room. That’s where they continued their heated make out session, except it wasn't ass intense. Their kisses were still passionate, but almost tired, it was late after all.
Richie pulled his shirt over his head, Eddie began kissing his neck, his chest, anywhere he could reach. Richie had snaked his right hand up Eddie’s shirt, so it pressed up against Eddie’s back, the touch sent shivers down Eddie’s spine.
“May I?” Richie requested, which was something he did a lot when they were in bed together. He always asked before he did things. Sure they were both inexperienced horny teens, but Richie always wanted to make sure that Eddie was comfortable with anything they did.
“Do it- Rich I’m all yours” Eddie said in between kisses. He felt Richie grabbed a handful of his shirt, that’s when he reluctantly sat up. Which allowed Richie to gracefully pull the shirt up and over Eddie’s head. Their chests were pressed together, skin on skin. It sent fireworks exploding in both of their chests.
The kisses soon grew lazy, and they both opted to lay in eachothers arms. Cuddled as close together as humanly possible. Their pants had come off, leaving the teens in their boxers. So their bare legs were tangled together as Eddie’s head laid against Richie’s chest, he hummed happily to the sound of Richie’s speedy heartbeat. Richie’s head sat comfortably on top of Eddie’s, one of his hands laced together with his boyfriend’s while the other was carefully brushing out Eddie’s soft brown curls.
Neither of them wanted to be anywhere else. If they could’ve lived in that moment forever, they would have.
Ah, it's been a year now
Think I've figured out how
How to think about you without it rippin' my heart out
Up until the day Richie’s memories were taken without his permission, about a year after he left Derry to try the whole ‘comedian’ thing, he had regretted not saying it back to Eddie. He doesn't know what came over him on the day the love of his life left. It was just something about not being able to see him everyday, not being able to hold his hand when he got nervous or climb through his window when he had a nightmare, that scared him. He worried that without that physical touch, he wouldn’t be able to hold onto the Eddie he once was. Practically convincing himself that once Eddie found someone he could actually be with, he’d dump Richie.
So the Trashmouth decided to end things before he could get his heart broken. Little did he know that his heart would still beat for Eddie Kaspbrak up until the day that that name held no meaning to him anymore.
When he saw Eddie again, after 27 years, it was as if nothing had changed. The subtle glances, the twist of his stomach when his hand brushed against Eddie’s, the way he couldn’t think about anything else, and the way his heart ached for a love that they once shared.
Richie, worried about messing things up again, he waited for Eddie to make the first move. Unsure if they were anything more than friends, Richie kept it that way, just friends. Eddie never did bring anything up. Not at the Jade of the Orient, not when he almost died, and not when he left the hospital. Sure it felt like he ripped Richie’s heart out of his chest, tore it in half, then shoved it back in, but he knew it was for the best. Afterall, Eddie had moved on, married a woman, and started a life without him. It killed him to see, but it wasn't his place to go and ruin what Eddie had worked so hard to build.
It’s been a year now. A year since he’s seen Eddie. A year of staring at his phone, threatening to click the call button and finally hear his voice again, a year of writing texts that’d never be sent, a year of going between LA and New York in hopes of randomly bumping into Eddie at some coffee shop. But it’s been a year, and Richie is finally able to think about Eddie without it feeling like his heart is being ripped out of his chest. It’s progress.
But if the world was ending
You'd come over, right?
A doorbell ripped Richie from the memory he was reliving. Suddenly aware of the tears on his cheeks and his shaking hands. Fuck, he mentally cursed. He checked his reflection in the camera of his phone. Who the hell is at my door at, he checked the time, 6:00 pm, what the fuck?. He gave his eyes one more wip before he reached for the doorknob, he didn’t care if the mailman saw him with red puffy eyes and wet cheeks, Bob had seen him in the worst conditions.
His heart momentarily stopped at the familiar sight of Eddie James Kaspbrak who stood in the hallway of his apartment building. Suddenly the phrase, A sight for sore eyes, became so clear to him, because his sore eyes suddenly became soft at the sight of the boy who once brought him so much joy.
“Eddie…” Richie breathed, his mind unable to properly phrase sentences.
“Richie, a-are you okay?” Eddie’s voice was laced with concern, worried that he’d just walked in on something.
Richie had done something he grew too comfortable with, “Me? Yeah, yeah, I’m fine, never not fine, am I right?” He joked.
Eddie’s brow scrunched ever so slightly, unaware of what to do. “Right… Sorry to show up out of the blue. Just wanted to check in and make sure you were okay, you know with the whole earthquake and all” He changed his tone, to sound more comforting.
“Oh…” Something broke inside of Richie. Of course he was only here because of the fucking earthquake. It’s not like he has any other reason to come see the boy who fucking left him at the airport- “I’m A okay, thanks for checking in Eds” Richie assured with a wink. He made sure his voice sounded extra chipper, afraid that he’d somehow allow Eddie to see how close he was to breaking.
Eddie huffed, almost as if he was amused, “Don’t call me that” he shook his head jokingly. Of course there was more he wanted to say, 27 years of thoughts and emotions that’d went unsaid, but he kept it that way. “Well you seem to be doing fine, so I guess I’ll leave you be- see you around Trashmouth”.
The nickname sent memories flashing through both of their minds, the arguments they had at school when they threw that nickname at him, Beeping Richie whenever his motormouth wouldn’t slow down. Maybe under different circumstances, they would’ve shared a laugh. Talked about the good old days over a coffee on Richie’s balcony and maybe even open up the Pandora's box that was their relationship. Instead, Eddie gave Richie a small wave, and turned to make his way towards the elevator.
Eddie let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding it, suddenly tense with regret. There was so much more he wanted to say, but it was too late.
Richie closed the door and leaned his forehead against the cool wood. I can’t believe I fucked this up again. Just like always. Leave it up to good ol’ trashmouth to ruin the best fucking thing that’s ever happened to him.... Suddenly Eddie’s words rang out through his head, so loud and earth shattering it almost caused his eyes to tear up again. I Love You.
“I Love you too Eddie…” Richie said to himself. Then it dawned on him. “I love you” he repeated.
His hand reached out the door handle and he hastily opened the door to his apartment. He took a step out of his apartment and saw Eddie waiting for the elevator. Richie wasted no time, he was 27 years late after all.
“I love you” He shouted to the man down the hall from him.
Eddie’s eyes looked up to meet Richie’s, big and tear filled, with a sliver of hope inside of his iriss.
Richie talked as he ran to him. “I love you. Edward fucking Kaspbrak. And I’ve kicked myself every goodman day of my life for not saying it back to you because I, love you”. Now he was in front of Eddie, spilling his heart out, “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And I always knew I loved you, since the day you kissed my scraped knee in fourth grade. It just took me 27 fucking years to relaize I can’t live without you… My little piece of spaghetti'' The last line got a huff from Eddie.
“Really know how to ruin a moment, don’t you Rich?” He asked, but his voice held no anger, only pure and utter joy.
Richie disregarded the comment and continued, “I know you’re married and I am 27 years late, but fuck, I had to tell you before I fucking imploded. Because I love you.”
Eddie stood there for a moment, as if he was soon going to be woken up from this dream. Then he finally mustered the power to speak, “I love you too Richie”. Eddie couldn’t help himself, he’d been waiting 27 years. He took a couple steps, closing the distance between the two, he placed his hand on the back of Richie’s neck, pulled him down and kissed him.
Richie hesitated for a split second before returning the kiss. Then it was just like they were kids again, fireworks exploded through their bodies as their hearts began to beat together.
You'd come over and you'd stay the night
Would you love me for the hell of it?
All our fears would be irrelevant
“I love you” Richie couldn’t stop saying it, as if he was trying to make up for all the time he hadn't been saying it. He said it when they pulled away from their kiss, when he led Eddie back into his apartment, and plenty of times while they made out on Richie’s bed.
If the world was ending
You'd come over, right?
The sky'd be falling while I'd hold you tight
No, there wouldn't be a reason why
We would even have to say goodbye
It was midnight, only then did they begin to calm down off of the high they’d been riding. As if the years of crushing and pinning had built up, and finally they’d been able to get what they craved.
Richie laid on his back, with Eddie’s head resting on his chest, with one hand over Richie’s heart while the other was laced together with the other’s.
“I love you” he repeated again, meaning every word he said.
“I love you too” Eddie said. His heart beat in his chest, his entire heart. No missing or lost pieces, because he’d found Richie again, and all of the pieces were finally put back into place.
If the world was ending
You'd come over, right?
“I don’t care what happens now” Eddie said, he looked up to meet Richie’s gaze. “The marriage can be dealt with. Hell, I don’t even care where we end up, here, LA, anywhere, as long as I’m with you” For the first time in a long time, Eddie felt hope. He was excited for what the future held, because he wasn't alone anymore.
You'd come over, right?
You'd come over, you'd come over, you'd come over, right?
“We’ll make it work” Richie kissed Eddie’s forehead, “We always do”.
If the world was ending
You'd come over, right?
Word Count: 5350
I hope you guys enjoyed the one shot! I had a lot of fun writing it.
If you've got any songs you want me to turn into a one shot then comment down below!
Until next time
So Long and Goodnight
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#if the world was ending#richie tozier#stanley uris#beep beep richie#stan uris#reddie#Richie is big dumb#eddie kaspbrak#ben hanscom#beverly marsh#bill denbrough#bill hader#stanley barber#losers club#the losers club#incorrect losers quotes#incorrect losers club quotes#beep beep motherfucker#it chapter 1#it 2019#it 2017#it chapter 2#it#au#oneshot#it chapter one#james ransone#mike hanlon#fanfic#fan fic
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Hello! Do you know something about quasi recovery vs all in? Also is it normal to binge on very unhealthy in recovery? Will it go away? I'm just very worried, the last two days I've been eating soooo much and it was mostly biscuits and chocolate but I just couldn't stop and I feel so bad now... the temptation to relapse is strong but I don't want to, I don't know what to do... Thanks in advance for any answer 🖤
Hello there! There's a lot of good questions here and here's some neat answers:
After a long period of malnutrition, you will most likely experience extreme hunger, which we usually call binging even if they're two slightly different things. Binging is used as just the general word for overeating for whatever reason (binge eating disorder, bulimia, food addiction, extreme hunger). Extreme hunger is a reaction to starving or malnutrition. So yes, it's normal to binge in (and out of) recovery and in general after periods of malnutrition. Extreme hunger is seen also in people without eds, so it's not really even a part of your disorder, it's your body reacting to being malnourished and trying to correct that.
My extreme hunger was originally what made me seek out help because I was so afraid of eating, and having these sudden uncontrollable binges was terrifying for me. So originally I went inpatient bc I didn't want to have them anymore, and only later I came around to the thought of actually recovering.
Being hungry or malnourished will make you crave fast carbs, such as cookies, chocolate, chips and all that good stuff, and that goes for everybody. Everybody craves something when their blood sugars go down. In extreme hunger however the cravings are insatiable and they don't have a lot to do with how hungry you are at the moment. A good way to get those insane cravings under control is to eat balanced meals. Not that there is anything wrong with wanting sweets, I'm having a cookie right now while I'm writing this ✌, but extreme hunger can be pretty brutal, since it isn't anything like normal cravings, it's more like "I will have every last cookie in the world or god help me" and even then you usually don't even want to eat that much but can't stop. Often you're in horrible mental distress during extreme hunger because now your disorder is going crazy, yet you cant stop eating those cookies and sometimes it can get so bad you'll eat until you physically can't move anymore. Even worse, your ed might make you want to purge and that will only make your extreme hunger worse.
This is why getting on a meal plan and starting to eat regularly again despite your ed's screaming at you is so important, since it ensures that you get everything you need to heal physically as well as mentally from the damage your ed has dealt to you, as well as satisfying extreme hunger as fast as possible.
It can take a long time to make extreme hunger go away. For me it took 3 whole months, but it will go away with consistency in your meals and proper nutrition. And never forget that you still have an ed even if you start eating normally again. Your ed isn't going anywhere until you actually feel it leaving. It can feel like such a contradiction to be eating normal meals and not engaging in disordered behaviour, and still claim to have an ed, but trust me, you have an ed for as long as you experience those disordered thoughts about food and your body.
You don't have to be out there calculating your macros, a good rule of thumb is to have your plate divided to three parts, a protein, a carb and something colourful. And you should eat a proper meal at least three times a day.
I know I felt hungry all the time in recovery, despite being on a meal plan, but it will go away once your body trusts you to be feeding it consistently again. The best way to make sure you don't cause horrible additional mental distress for yourself is to get a routine to your meals and if you sometimes want to have something, don't deny it. Admitting to yourself that you want some cookies is poison to your ed. Honesty and acceptance has a lot more power than you'd think, since eds are pretty much just your mind lying to your body all the time.
My favourite thing was when I was let go outpatient and I could make my own meal plan instead of having to eat whatever the hospital had on the menu. I put all my favourite meals on my meal plan and I had a great time with it. By now I'm not even on a meal plan anymore, I just eat when I'm hungry and what I feel like eating. Sometimes I have to remind myself that hey u brat, you didn't eat lunch today and then I'll have a bigger dinner, but all in all I don't need to follow any guide anymore and it's honestly so liberating wow 😂
So yeah, my suggestion for anyone who wants to give recovery a go: start practicing consistency. If you can't do a whole big meal right away, do a small one first, as long as you have them every day, three times a day. At the very least I'd say start with an egg and a toast, or a handful of nuts and some rice. If there's any food that you like, admit it to yourself and try having it. Recovery is a whole lot of baby steps after baby steps and there's not any specific way to do it except to try, cry, and try again. There's bad days and good days and sometimes it feels like you're not any better and sometimes you think you want to relapse, but we all know that in the end none of us wants to be miserable. Recovery might be hard but it's a whole lot better to be uncomfortable for a while than to be miserable for the rest of your life. Gotta approach this like trying to finish an assignment. It sucks but it will suck even more if you dont do it.
There I go again with my long posts but I hope you got some answers. Hang in there baby, love and take care of yourself ❤❤❤
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very long post about ED, weight, health, exercise, disability. sorry
I’ve gotten a lot better about not being too concerned about how my body looks since I started trying to recover from ED ~8 years ago, and a lot better about eating enough food and eating “bad” foods and foods I was afraid of trying, and when I started seriously trying to learn to cook in college it was super healing and good
but getting into biking has been a double-edged sword for me
because I couldn’t walk very far w/ my herniated disc, I had a lot of trouble getting around without a car. and I couldn’t afford a car. but I could afford a bike, and a bike was a lot faster and more efficient for me for getting around school and to gigs and stuff. it felt really good to finally be able to travel cheaply, without pain, on my own schedule, dependent only on myself, especially when I finally got asthma treatment and found I was strong enough to go distances that seemed really far to me
so in that way biking made my life easier and made me feel a lot better about myself as a disabled person, like my disability wasn’t, well, disabling me as much...and biking also 100% precipitated a pretty significant ED relapse during my last 2 years of college and enabled me to stay very focused on Strength and Fitness as defense mechanisms against my and others’ negative feelings about my fatness and disability. I hate dealing with doctors, and I really liked having ‘well I bike 25-50 miles a week’ in my back pocket as a gotcha against doctors making assumptions about me based on my body. and by using that I managed to avoid dealing with a lot of bullshit I’d internalized about health-and-fitness-as-morality-and-value, about being Good Fat Person (even though I would never expect that of anyone else!), about being Good Disabled Person who always showed up and always worked hard and never let my disability get in the way of shouldering a workload as ridiculous or more ridiculous than my abled classmates
this made developing spinal stenosis and becoming almost completely bedridden much, much harder to deal with, emotionally! I spent a lot of time, especially in the first month, freaking out about how I was losing all my Bike Muscle, how my heart and lungs were shriveling up. for the first time in a long while I was Very Very Afraid of gaining weight, because I imagined I would gain a lot of weight from going so long without moving*. I ate a lot less than I should have, in part because it was hard to get food when I could barely tolerate standing or sitting long enough to use the bathroom, but also because I had already been going in the direction of a bad ED relapse. I just went from restrict/binge/exercise-purge to restrict/restrict/restrict, because I couldn’t exercise any more
as you surely know, I’ve developed/found out I had more than my share of health issues since I got out of surgery and started being able to move around again. it’s been difficult trying to keep myself from ascribing morality to them, especially the ones that have happened in part because of the time I spent trapped in bed. I keep having to remind myself that having health problems doesn’t mean I’m a bad person, and that the spinal stenosis happened because I was overworking myself, carrying things that were too heavy for me, and not making the time I needed to care for my spinal health because I was “too busy” and figured that continually riding long distances was enough to keep my back from getting worse
I keep having to remind myself that it’s okay and very normal to get out of breath when I’m trying to bike up a hill, especially given my recent health history, and it’s okay and normal to feel like I need to get off and walk the bike for a while, or even, god forbid, stop and take a break if I feel like it. I keep having to convince myself that it’s okay that I don’t have the resilience or strength to handle full-time or even ‘normal’ amounts of part-time work right now. for crying out loud I have been writing a whole-ass novel just so I’m not ‘unproductive’ during this VERY NECESSARY time of rest and recovery. I keep thinking to myself that I already had months of rest during the time I was bedridden and it’s silly to feel like I need more now, even though that “rest” was just months of agony and involuntary immobility
I still love biking bc it slaughters my last-mile problems and lets me do a lot of things I can’t do by walking, and just because it’s like, fun to do, but I want to acknowledge that it also enabled me to not deal with a lot of shit that made it much harder to cope with my spine crisis and is making it hard to be kind to myself now. I may not care as much about how my body LOOKS but I still have a lot of internalized whatever about how it functions, and it sucks and I am not sure how to unlearn that, especially in the environment I’m in rn
anyway yeah I’m gonna try going back to therapy, even though I hate talking about this shit to therapists because somehow even very radical therapists often haven’t gotten past your most basic HAES concepts and will say all sorts of unintentionally hurtful things in response
shrug
*fwiw, I didn’t, I actually lost weight bc I was eating very little and my muscles atrophied a bunch. I do not recommend this, it really sucks
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by Imperial-Radiance (aka me)
"Damn, I can't believe I haven't been ambushed, yet. It's a good thing I planned ahead because, whew, that's rough."
The day had finally come for one of the biggest games of the year - not the Championship and not Nationals, but the rivalry gridiron game of the season. Of course, it was all in fun, but the heat and intensity of all the fans were always at their peaks during these games, especially since the two schools were relatively close to each other.
Madeline, or Madi as her friends and family referred to her as such, had already had the experience of what these games were like, but she and the rest of the people there representing her Kingston University Royals were even more happily hyped as they demolished their rivals in score, and she wasn't even on the sidelines to see it.
Madi and her twin sister Caroline had been the best of friends since birth, and the only time they had ever separated in their lives was their choice of schools. Once diverged, their number of similarities decreased from there, but despite being away from each other, they maintained to share a few commonalities like major choice, clubs, GPA, and more. However, the one main difference that had resulted in Madi running in a panic right to her sister in the middle of the game was Cari's sudden relapse.
Read more on DA, or...
She was so relieved that her coach was so understanding to let her go and care for her, but the time it took for Cari to return to some sort of stability using her specialized health kit was a lot more than she wanted.
"The things I do for my sister," Madi sighed, trying to hustle back to her team's temporary locker room to change back into her cheerleading uniform before getting back on the bus to return to her own school. "I'm glad that I got it to her in time. But, God, I am not living for this insanity!"
While the cheers of the Royals could've been heard from Cari's dorm room as they won and Madi tended to Cari's needs, the groans and yells from the Nash U. Knights' majority surrounding her on all sides and the reputation they had whenever they lost were things that she didn't want to experience firsthand, especially after barely making it out alive after their last clash on her own campus. As soon as Cari kicked her out to care for herself rather than call for help - the immense pride the sisters had was always their downfall - Madi found herself in the eye of an accumulating storm of brawling and spats.
Only by the grace of God, her sport-influenced speed, and her non-school-affiliated sweats worn over her uniform, she made it back to the stadium's public but reserved, empty, co-ed locker room unscathed, practically collapsing on a bench in exhaustion.
"Oh, thank God!" she panted, setting a hand on her side and the other over her heart, slipping her backpack off herself onto the floor. "I, uh, better get out of here before some nasty Nashers barge in on me or something. But, why did Coach have to make that cursed policy of having to be in full uniform during all parts of travel? Is she trying to kill me!?"
With a groan, she stood up, getting ready to disrobe her casual wear until she suddenly felt how dry her throat had become and how tired she was. She was about to go look for a water fountain until she remembered the unopened can of soda she had grabbed from the squad's cooler while they were taking a cheer break. Unfortunately, the jostling of the bag as she ran to and from her sister didn't come to mind, resulting in it exploding upon opening.
"Oh. Oh, God!" Madi exclaimed, stammering from the flow of carbonation shooting onto her face, the rest of her body, and the floor. "St-Stop! Jeez!" The amount of liquid in and on her person eventually built up to the point where she was coughing some of it out and her hand was too slippery to maintain a grip on the can, causing her to drop it. The spray of soda spread to lower levels of her clothes and doused her backpack before crashing and fizzling out on the floor where the can broke in two on impact. "Shoot, I need to get this mess up, or the school's going to get charged. Wait, my uniform!"
Trying to juggle two problems at once, Madi took off her sweatshirt and pants as quickly as possible and threw them onto the elongating puddle on the floor before running to a sink to dab the not-as-large stains on her uniform with water. As she focused on her clothing, she was unaware of the growing stickiness and hardening of the soda on her exposed skin and hair. Taking a shower occurred nearly every night, anyway, but having to go into the strenuous and lengthy routine that was treating, washing, and drying her uniform was something that she hoped wouldn't have to happen.
She had gotten to the point where visible stains on her clothes had faded to half of their previous intensity when the familiar sound of a notification chirping from her phone reached her ears. Knowing how late she was and figuring that her team was probably worried about her, she cut off the sink faucet and ran for it. When she returned to her stuff, she was happy that her clothes were doing what she had wanted - absorb as much of the spilled drink as they could. Much of the liquid mess had retreated into the fabric. Still, seeing how the list of fabrics also included her bag wasn't relieving, bringing another sigh out of her as she grabbed and shook her phone that was poking out of a shallow, brown pool like a rock in a mud puddle.
Remembering how the captain of the team tended to snap at some of the smallest issues, Madi hesitated at unlocking her phone to see her new message. But, she was a big girl, and if she wanted any chance at possibly being a leader next year or a front-row starter at Nationals, then she was going to have to answer, and so she did. However, the message she read had only little to do with her as it had been sent to the entire team.
"Huh? A recall?" she read, confused and worried. "'Due to adverse effects in direct correlation to being exposed to the following drinks, DO NOT CONSUME THEM.' Well, that's not ominous at all. Another health scare, oh boy!" Madi started simply going back to cleaning herself until she thought about the drink company and expiration dates in the text. "Wait, my drink doesn't apply to that, right? I didn't drink my soda since it fucking-erupted on me, but it said just 'being exposed' was an issue. Hmm."
She turned back to the mess on the floor, and after looking at the can fragments, she felt that something was off. Nevertheless, she went for the bottom half of the can to check its information. Its size seemed much larger than what she remembered when opening it – looking more like the 12-ounce size rather than the 7.5 fluid ounce type that she could've sworn she picked up – but the labeling was a greater concern because it fit right into the drink batches in question. However, as soon as Madi made her realization, she found herself on the floor, putting all her hard stain removal work in the trash as she fell face first into a soda stream and darkness.
When Madeline and Caroline were younger, they and their family would frequent to the lake that a family friend of theirs had property on. Each visit was lovely, except for the one where the twins were a bit too confident in their swimming skills and drifted too long and far into the lake. Madi couldn't forget the feeling of water filling every orifice more and more as her appendages gave out over time and the heavy coughing that tested her lungs as their father swooped them back up above the surface to receive air once again. She imagined that Cari had similar experiences, but they had never discussed it - the memories were too bad.
So, why was she thinking of them now?
Madi's vision faded in from black as light reached her eyes once again, but in conjunction with the light, a sensation of liquid also came to her, flowing into her slightly open mouth, a nostril, and an ear as a surprise, forcing herself to pop out of lethargy and raise up to breathe. As her sights cleared, she could feel wetness falling from her head, down her curves, and into what felt like a sticky lake around and beneath her. Gumminess and saturation in all her orifices were two feelings that she never wanted to have, and her outfit now being painted in a shade like the fluid surrounding her and stuck to her skin like latex, along with almost drowning, only made it worse.
"What the hell is this?" Madi screamed, throwing her hands up and down, rippling the aqua around her upon impact. By doing so, she became aware of how heavy all her muscles felt - each one needing more force than usual to move - as if she had been in a twenty-four practice... or trying to keep from drowning. "Where even am I!?"
To figure out her location, she looked around, only to find blurry white as far as her eyes could see, except for the dirty collection in which she sat. This was something she only saw in movies and creepypastas, and it got her terrified, not knowing where to go or what to do - sitting in a blank, unknown, quiet room alone, almost. It was almost quiet, except for the sloshing noises that her movements made and a faint bubbling that couldn't have been too far from her.
Madi searched for its source, running her hands through the dark goop and feeling around or anything out of the ordinary. When she detected nothing, she decided to trudge toward the sound, not bothering to stand up as he figured that she would just fall back down. So, she got on all fours and began to crawl.
With each movement, she could see her optics slowly improve, introducing more and more colors and shapes into view. However, her good news was countered by the difficulty of dragging through the murky goop, comparable to those barbed wire mud crawls she saw soldiers do in a documentary once. As much as she wanted to quit, she knew that locating the sounds were more important, and so she persevered. In not too long of a lumber, she found the origin of the bubbling - her submerged phone vibrating and blinking below the brown surface.
"What the-? This still works?" she questioned in utter shock.
Pulling her cellular device out into open air, through the strain it took to do so, Madi saw that the waterproof case she had on it stood up to its claims, along with the tens of messages from her coaches and squad family asking where she was and if she was okay. It devastated her to know how so many people were worried about her, but she was even broken by the fact that her hands were so gluey that she couldn't make precise movements on its screen to respond to them that she was at least alive. Each touch appeared to open every app she wasn't trying to interact with, thus frustrating her to no end. She only had a brief calm when the camera application open, and only a brief calm it was.
The back camera was on, and through it, she saw that her eyesight had returned to normalcy, seeing her pile of sweats and bag in the distance as she had left them. She sighed in bittersweet relief, understanding that she was still in a Nash University locker room like before. However, she noticed how they appeared to be farther away from both herself and each other than what she last remembered as well as the lockers, floor tiles, and bench being much wider and/or taller, almost comedically large. Intrigued, Madi turned off the camera and chose to look at the bench at her side for herself, just to then find herself awestruck and lock-jawed at not only a wooden bench that seemed to tower over and overshadow her like a building but also a not-as-high yet still twice her sitting height, sliced, metal, hollow cylinder in front of her with jagged edges that could make her bleed infinitely and the same brown slop streaming from it into the pool around her.
It didn't take long for her to realize the truth, looking back and forth to other spectacles of the room - the other half of the cylinder behind her also pouring liquid, the skyscraping and never-ending lines of lockers, the heavenly white lights way up high, and the walls that seemed impossible to reach no matter how far or quickly she ran - but she just didn't want to believe it.
"This is some sci-fi shit," Madi mumbled to herself. "There's no way I've... freaking shrunk. How in the-?" She paused her questioning when she remembered the one cryptic message she had received earlier that evening and looked at its reference - the colossal can, taunting her with its girth. "Youdid this!" she yelled at the metal container with a shaken voice, frightened at how in this wide, empty room, her voice neither carried nor echoed at her dimensions. "No wonder there's a fucking recall! This is literal chemical warfare! What the hell!?"
With the recall in mind, she could only hope that no one else had been affected by it, especially with a whole school full of enraged Knights stomping around. After all, how else would they have known about it, in the first place? But, Madi tried to keep a relatively cool head, hoping by the grace of God that she was the only one, even though there was much greater chance that anyone else would've had someone nearby to care for them in her scenario. Would she ever be that lucky?
"What do I do?" she wondered, analyzing the situation. "I can't move. My everything hurts. I barely know my way out of here, if I can even get there without passing out, getting lost, or worse."
Her sentence nearly faltered as she started visualizing the most terrible scenarios, all of which a Nash Knight of any age finding her, a cup-sized K.U. cheerleader, or them coming across her unknowingly, perhaps even literally. Each idea brought its own chills down her spine.
“I'm totally screwed!" she continued. "The only things I can do are speak and hear, I guess, but who knows how well those would do against a 'normal-sized' person."
Though, after saying her somewhat positive qualities aloud, she gained a bit of hope and curiosity, looking down at the phone in her hand.
"Yet, this thing is small as hell, and it still works," she regarded, rubbing a syrupy finger across the screen and seeing how it was more responsive than before, perhaps calibrating to her new touch and feel. "There is no logical reason, I think, that this thing should still have a signal or a working battery, and yet it does! It can't hurt to call for help, but if I can even get through, who do I call?"
Looking at her contacts, scrolling down the page to the best of her ability, Madi juggled who would be the best choice. Her ICE numbers were her parents and Cari, but with Cari needing to heal on her own and their parents being far away, none of them would be able to get to her before it got dangerous. Her next choices were anyone on her squad and the coaches. They had already shown their unease toward her absence, so it would make sense for them to want to help her in her time of need. However, as she only listed full names of people in the list without prefixes, titles, or grouping, she would have to go at least halfway through before reaching one of them.
"Jeez, did every single cheerleader this year have to have a name that starts after M!?" she moaned, failing time and time again to use the letter quick scroll on the side of the screen, eventually resorting to flicking her thumbs and indexes to go down the hundreds of numbers, email addresses, and names.
As the list grew longer, her fingers became pained, and her head starting to go dizzy, not able to take in so much changing information and action at once as well as her viscid finger pads only allowing bits of movement at a time. So, she had to stop at some point to work out the kinks in her hands. However, when she did, she wasn't aware of where her fingers landed and how they had started a dial tone. It was only when a familiar voice broke the silence did she comprehend that her prospects had come true, even if the way of doing so was unexpected.
"H-Hello?" a disembodied male voice called out through what sounded like a party. Madi gasped, knowing only a few people that could be that orotund in a crowd but only one with a voice like that. She looked down at her cell and thanked God at the name on its screen. "Madi, are you there?"
"Yes? Yes, I'm here!" Madi tried to answer back through tears, nearly dropping the phone in anticipation and excitement. "P-Please tell me you can hear me. Please."
"Uh, yeah. You're coming in fine on my end, even through the craziness on this bus." Madi had to hold back crying out loud from happiness, even though she wanted to express it.
"Oh, thank God! I honestly can't believe I reached you. Are you nearby?"
She figured that with nearly a hundred players on the team, including him, and them constantly giving their hardest and being switched in and out during the game for as much as she could remember and hear from Cari's room, that it would take a lot of time for them and the squad to reenergize, grab food, and re-board the buses to go back to the Kingdom aka K.U.'s main campus.
However, her interlocutor then lowered her sentiments when he continued, "Uh, I'd say 'close' is pretty dependent on where you are. I mean, the team and I are still in the parking lot, but we're going to be heading off soon. Why do you ask? We're all going to end up back at K.U., right? Did something happen to y'all or the bus?"
Madi realized that the squad's coach bus must've already left. It was the tradition for the cheerleaders to return first to join the JV and smaller squads that were already on campus to support the team, win or lose, but she didn't think they'd just leave without her.
"Uh, I don't think so?" That was all she could say about them, considering that she wasn't there to know for sure. "I hope not, or do I? I don't know."
"What's with the lack of clarity? That's not like you." Madi couldn't help but agree. However, it was all that she could be. Nothing was going right or making sense. "What's wrong?"
There was so much that Madi could say, and she knew that explaining her body issue would've probably been the most logical thing to describe, but there was no way that he would believe her. So, she went on a just-as-true but somewhat indirect route.
"I-I'm not on the bus?" she admitted lowly.
"What!?" her friend yelled, most likely being the cause of the quieting background noise. In a more hushed tone, he resumed, "Why? Where are you, then?"
"I'm in the NU locker room, and I can't move."
"You can't? They're not keeping you hostage over one loss out of, like, eight games so far, are they?" he asked in a whisper-shout. "No one hurt you, right?"
"No," Madi replied bluntly. "No one's here, but there's nothing to stop them from doing so if someone does show up. I came in here a while ago, but I passed out, and I'm just coming to." Explaining the horrific doings and possibilities raised Madi's already-high stress levels even higher, and she had to pause to compose herself. "No one touched me, but it sure feels like someone did."
After saying that, the other side of the call went coldly silent. Madi prayed that the call didn't drop, and she was too scared to look on the phone and check for herself.
"Jake? You're still there, right?” she tried worriedly.
A few seconds passed before the man, Jake, answered back,
“Yeah, I'm here. I'm just moving stuff out of my way. I didn't think I'd have to go back to the front of the bus until we got back, but here I am doing just that. I’ve got to let the coaches know about you, girly - mine and yours. We may need some backup going back on that cursed ground."
"Wait, what?" Madi cried, not expecting Jake to tell someone. "No, no! Don't tell anyone about this! That's just asking for trouble!"
"How is a search party for you more dangerous than me going in alone? Sure, a coach makes the plays, but the players do them, and I don't think the one player that scored the turning point of the game that led to their ultimate demise should go in alone on rival turf."
On one hand, Madi felt that his thought was selfish, but she also understood what he was saying on the other. She hadn’t thought about what would happen after Jake or someone else found her as she was, but having more people dealing with her, especially those she didn't know or trust, was just something that she didn't want.
"Plus, you know there are, like, five locker rooms in the proximity of the stadium, right?" Jake continued. "You never said which one you were in, so more people looking would make finding you a lot easier."
"Don't sass me with your valid logic! Jake, I'm having a crisis right now!" Madi shut him down before breaking down herself. "Jackson, please. With everyone I know, and everyone that must deal with me, why would I call you of all people first if I didn't need you and only you?" Of course, she knew him being her callee was a lucky coincidence, but she would never admit that. Her argument was too good.
It proved to be true as Madi was met with another silence before sighing broke through the phone,
“Madi, you better be in some deep shit, because I'm not going to risk myself getting suspended for basic pettiness."
"I swear that this is as real as it gets, as much as I don't want to believe it, myself," she promised tautly. "I can't do this on my own. I'm scared."
"Don't be. I'm coming for you," Jake assured with a smoky tinge. "Just sit tight unless you have no other choice, and I'll find you."
"Please do."
And then, the call ended, leaving Madi alone to collect her thoughts and wait on the sidelines of a soda can for whatever or whoever was going to come with nowhere to turn and nowhere to run.
#g/t#my writing#sideline#sw#shrunken woman#aka the smut fic#contains smut and small girls and sports and stuff
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how to handle upset stomach after a binge and when restricting or fasting.
[TW: eating disorders, laxatives, restricting, fasting, binging, emetophobia]
as someone with 3 digestive conditions, a relapse always manages to screw up my digestion and overall comfort. I'm sure that there are others who feel that sentiment strongly, so I'm gonna share some of what works for me.
general upper digestive system issues (heartburn, acid reflux, nausea, etc.): antacids are my go-to medicine. however, they come in a lot more forms than you might realize! if your symptoms are minor, regular tums will work just fine.
i also like to use alka-seltzer tablets mixed with water, mostly because the fizziness combined with the medicine really helps settle my stomach. (hint: if the taste of regular alka-seltzer is too gross for you to handle, put some lemon juice in there. lemon is a natural anti-nausea agent. even smelling a lemon takes my symptoms away sometimes.)
if you're terribly nauseous and don't want to vomit, the scent of rubbing alcohol helps, as does peppermint oil. if you're in public, it's nearly impossible to gag while humming or clenching your left thumb tightly in your fist.
if you have nausea associated with acid reflux, skip the ginger. ginger tends to make that a lot worse **when ingested**. However, smelling or topically applying ginger oil does help considerably.
for acid reflux, sleeping with your head elevated is a good idea. during the day, there are a bunch of OTC medicines that help. There are some purple capsules called Prilosec OTC, and the active ingredient is Omeprazole. They work like a charm and are usually inexpensive. I would always suggest capsules over tablets for acid reflux because tablets tend to make the back of your throat feel like it's on fire the second they hit the acid that's already there. 10/10 would not recommend. also, if you're gonna get non-gummy chewable antacids, please drink a bit of water before you take them. acid reflux can make your mouth feel dry and antacids combined with a dry mouth feels disgusting.
if it isn't reflux, ginger comes in many different forms. I find that anything that allows me to taste and smell the ginger as I ingest it helps a lot. ginger drops are good, but usually don't give long-lasting relief. ginger tea is better because it allows for you to sip with each wave of nausea and settles your stomach. ginger capsules are good if you're okay with waiting 30 minutes for them to kick in.
upper digestive issues after a binge: for me, the worst thing i felt when i habitually binged was the nausea. usually, the reflux got better when I binged and worse when I went back to restricting.
for nausea after a binge, Nauzene tablets are a lifesaver. they look DISGUSTING. they taste DISGUSTING. they work within 4 minutes. they're worth it.
emetrol is a liquid version of Nauzene, essentially, and it is NOT WORTH IT. it works within 15 minutes and wears off almost as fast. and it tastes like absolute horseshit. thats a hard pass for me.
i wouldn't suggest antacid tablets after a binge because you need to drink water with them, and drinking water after a binge makes you feel bloated, in my experience. gummy antacids, however, are a lifesaver. I would not recommend gummy antacids with a hard shell on the outside. they taste and feel chalky.
upper digestive issues during restriction or fasting: tea is a life-saver for heartburn and nausea while restricting and fasting. if calories concern you, drink with an ASPARTAME-FREE 0 calorie sweetener. I recommend Stevia. chamomile, peppermint, and lemon lavender are my personal upper GI go-to teas. just about any tea will work, though I would suggest avoiding citrus or cinnamon.
if it's night-time and your symptoms are severe, boy do i have a reccomendation for you: alka seltzer brand mixed-berry flavored gummy antacids with melatonin. these bitches will have you heartburn and nausea free within 10 minutes, and if they don't? that's okay, your ass will be KNOCKED OUT before you can even complain. these are especially helpful for getting through a fast, because sometimes, the best thing you can do for comfort is sleep it off. plus, they're sweet, and they have an added benefit of helping with low blood sugar and dizziness from fasting and restricting.
for lower body digestive system issues (bloating, diarrhea, constipation, pain) in general: when you're bloated, anything minty will usually help. peppermint or spearmint leaves (just chew them), a LOW DOSE (1 or 2 drops) of peppermint oil mixed into tea, etc.
for diarrhea, my best reccomendation would be to NOT TAKE AN ANTI-DIARRHEAL. unless you want to not shit for 4 days while feeling like you need to every few minutes, that's a nope from me, dog. nah, instead, I would suggest eating mild food. the BRAT diet is always my go to: Banana, Rice, Apples, Toast. A bonus is that those are all generally "safe" foods. they tend to be bland and easy to digest, which makes the loose stool stop sooner. also, make sure you're drinking enough water, because dehydration is the main reason why loose stools have killed people in the past. don't drink a ton of water at once, though. space it out throughout the day.
also, normal Pepto Bismol liquid is my favorite for bringing diarrhea to a stop without causing constipation. I would suggest keeping a big bottle of it in the fridge if you're prone to loose stools. I personally find Pepto Bismol tablets to be ineffective in handling symptoms as quickly as the liquid. the liquid coats your esophagus and stomach, which helps with upper GI symptoms too. DO NOT USE CHERRY FLAVORED PEPTO BISMOL unless it is literally your last option, because it tastes HORRID and you will never forget the taste. it will enter your nightmares and pervade your senses when least expected. you think I'm being dramatic, but I promise you, you would regret it.
for constipation, do not take a ton of laxatives. the last thing you need on top of all this mess is an accidental laxative addiction. laxatives don't do shit for weight loss, and they get your body dependent on outside help for digestion. don't even start it.
one stool softening pill is fine. if it doesn't work, don't try and jumpstart the process. instead, take the RECCOMENDED AMOUNT of a fiber powder, or eat some foods high in fiber (these tend to be low-calorie). a quick google search should bring up a list of high-fiber foods.
for abdominal pain, I recommend heat in some form. a hot bath, a heating pad, a hot water bottle. if you're out in public, there are these portable heat patches that you can buy in a four-pack. they're used more often for joint pain, but they help a lot if your stick 'em on your tummy too. if you are a person who gets periods, these help with cramps too, just as a side note. DO NOT USE HEAT PATCHES WITH CAPSAICIN IN THEM. THEY WILL BURN YOU. I don't just mean you'll feel a burning sensation, I mean that I left one of those on my stomach for maybe 10 minutes and sustained a first degree burn from it. nothing makes stomach pain worse like adding another layer of pain to contend with.
If you're restricting at any level, DON'T TAKE PAIN MEDICINE FOR ABDOMINAL PAIN OR ANY PAIN PLEASE I BEG OF YOU it'll make you so nauseous and it's honestly the quickest way to get an ulcer.
kaopectate is great for lower digestive issues but for the love of all things good keep it in the fridge and don't get the vanilla kind. the taste of warm vanilla kaopectate is beyond horrid. not as bad as cherry Pepto, but close.
Imodium pills are usually pretty helpful too. Kaopectate works better for me, but I'd try both to see which one is most helpful for you personally. In terms of overall effectiveness, they're equal, but Kaopectate works faster.
Final notes:
1. I am not encouraging anyone to develop an ED in these tips. I'm just trying to help people feel better. having an ED doesn't mean you don't deserve basic comfort and symptom relief.
2. if you have dogs or kids running around, do NOT let them get ahold of any minty essential oils. peppermint, eucalyptus, spearmint, etc. will all cause children and pets severe breathing problems. kids have died from smelling peppermint oil. don't use essential oil diffusers at all with kids in the general vicinity.
3. I am not a doctor. I'm a sick person with way too much time on my hands and a severe illness phobia. please don't take my word as law. if a certain medicine works better for you, cool! I'm just giving my personal experiences and trying to help y'all avoid the medicine mistakes I've made. also, if you're on prescription meds, ask your doctor before taking other OTC meds.
4. eating disorders suck. these symptoms that we have to deal with because of them suck. if you are in the initial stages of an ED and you're reading this, get help. if you're in the late stages, get help. it is never too early or too late to get help. no good therapist or doctor will ever tell you to come back when your symptoms are worse, and if they do, they need to have their license revoked. the mere presence of eating disordered ideation or intent is enough to merit treatment. if you think it's too late, it's never too late until you're dead. don't let it get that far, please. you can be happy. you can be healthy. you deserve to be happy and healthy and alive. you deserve to thrive. you deserve to be okay.
i love you all. if you ever need ANYTHING, I'm one message away. i hope y'all feel better soon. 💞
#ana#anamia#not pro just using tags#anorexia#anorexia nervosa#bulimiia#bulimia#anorexic#bulimic#ana tips#pro ana#starve#restricting#binge#binge eating#anti binge#binge ed#binge eating disorder
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I got a new job. And honestly I‘ve never felt worse in the last 2 years
Like I get it I have to make my own money and become independent. But leaving my house again, seeing other people, not being able to eat what I want and when I want it because obviously I can‘t just go to the kitchen and look for smth to eat that won’t make me feel bad for eating like I obviously can't do that when I‘m not at home.
It messed up completely my life. I completely relapsed into my ed. And honestly rn my ed is the only thing that makes me feel better. And that’s bad like really bad. Because this will make recovery even harder. I can‘t really motivate myself to get better rn. And like not only my ed is worse again. My social anxiety and my depression r at peak again. I constantly have some like idk passive suicidal thoughts and I‘m anxious all the fucking time. I can barely sleep.
And you know when u‘ve been to therapy ones it’s kinda hard to get back into it. Like I don’t want people to think I‘ve failed or smth. Like I wanna show people that I‘m not just a problem and a failure. So I‘m scared to get back into therapy. But what makes asking for a therapist even harder is my ed. Because part of me doesn’t want to recover cause it gives me comfort and control especially during those times where I feel completely out of control. So like because I‘m mentally not ready to work on getting back on recovery I‘m even more scared to get back into therapy.
Like honestly rn I feel so lost and I don’t know what to do. I‘m worked now for only a week and I‘m already burned out. My contract goes for 4 months and idk how I‘m supposed to do it.
I feel like either I‘m loosing myself completely and that my passive suicidal thoughts will turn into active ones and I might try smth stupid or I will collapse cause I‘m constantly underrating and sleep deprived.
I feel like it’s just a matter of time what will happen first. Idk how to make this situation better for myself honestly.
idk i just had to get this off my chest
#depression#tw: eating problems#tw: vent#tw: ed#it’s getting bad again#i cant sleep#tw: sui thoughts
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What have you learned from these past two relapses post-discharge, and what will you (you only, not dependent on services) do differently next time?
This is an interesting question and actually really hard to answer. I suppose each time I have relapsed I have learnt a bit more about myself, my struggles and also my needs (?) - even if I do find it hard to articulate them.
When I first approached answering this question my mind instantly said “EVERYTHING”...which is not helpful. I find that I often go into very black and white thinking, and in this case it makes me feel like everything I have done in the past or recently has been “wrong”/”bad” and that I need to scrap absolutely everything and start again - but that isn’t necessarily the case. Sometimes life is tricky and we have to go through periods of trial and error to see what is helpful/beneficial for us because what works or helps one person might not necessarily work for another - and that is OKAY. That is something I really have learnt along the way; that we are all individuals on our own journeys - you can’t compare yourself to where someone else may be on their journey because they are not you and thus it is pointless trying to even begin to compare yourself to them.
As for what have I learnt and what would I/will I do differently? This is hard. Especially as our needs as human beings is constantly changing and things need adapting. I could sit here and say well I know from the past that I have never reached my target healthy weight or found where my body is naturally happy and learnt how to maintain that before making big changes in my life that could trigger relapse - but something is making me take a step back and think about this because things in life don’t happen so neatly. Before I moved to uni I thought it was the right thing for me as I was itching to leave home, and it could have been. Living at home was keeping me trapped in my illness and stopping me from moving forwards, however this time around moving to a new city and going into such a demanding course and having all those triggers and issues ongoing, it didn’t work. But that doesn’t/shouldn’t mean that I force myself to stay at home, in an environment where although I am so incredibly grateful to my parents for allowing me to live at home during such difficult times as I know there are many people who do not have this option, it does feed into my illness and ultimately it does stop me from progressing in a number of ways. So idk, this isn’t really something I will do differently but it is something I am a lot more aware of?
Also yes, I realise that I need to actively commit to getting to a healthy weight and learning to maintain it. (get that out the way as anorexia really does not want me to type that)
Control. This is a big one for me. When I have control of everything and I am able to micromanage every single part of my day, whether it be food choices, timings or whatever, I get very very very stuck in my head and my ED definitely takes over. I have tried in the past to hand some control to my parents however, for a number of reasons, this has not helped or not been practically possible. Giving up control in hospital both times was one of the hardest things but I was able to do it; It was just the taking back of the control that I struggled with as both times it was sort of a big change from “we have all the control” to suddenly “here is all the control back to you, bye bye” as I didn’t know how to cope with this without using my ED (numbers, calories, restriction etc etc)
Social. This is a big thing that I have only just, during this last admission, learnt about. The model that they have been researching more recently shows that there are three main elements to recovering from an eating disorder and now that I have seen it/been told about it it DOES make sense. You can’t just focus on the mental side and hope that things get better, just as you cant simply focus on the physical side. But there is also this other element that needs to also be worked on and grown alongside the mental and physical sides of recovery and that is SOCIAL RECOVERY. Anorexia shrinks your every being and life and gets rid of friendships, ruins relationships, cuts you off from people and activities and literally makes your world so small in order to have you all to itself. In pretty much all of my recovery attempts the main focus has always been on physical stuff - which yes I agree needs to be a focus to some extend - however the psychological and social sides have been neglected somewhat. And so when you are addressing those physical symptoms, which is helpful in a number of its own ways, there has been this massive gapping hole left - the identity that you may have held onto for so long is being taken away and, I know for me I felt so out of my depth and didn’t know how to cope with this - hence relapsing. Socially we as human beings NEED this contact. An activity that they made us do in IP was mapping out your social circles and doing this hit home to me how small my life had/has become. The idea of this was to then reflect on it and with support try to grow these circles and build more back into your LIFE. Because the more you step outside of the ED and experience life beyond it/interact with people in real life who are living and experiencing everything, it, well, it hopefully helps you to grow your connections and thus slowly lessening the grip that the ED has on you. Thinking back I had this one Nurse I worked with on and off for years and he was always saying “please just go out and meet people. Go down the pub. I don’t care if you just have a glass of water. Please just get out the house.”, he was also keen on getting me to meet guys (haha) and at the time I just brushed it all off and thought “what the hell? why is he telling me to go down the pub?” but now I can kind of see what he was trying to help me do; he was trying to help me connect with people outside of my eating disorder and just get out of my own head. Wow okay I have not explained this at all well but I hope it makes a bit of sense? When I learnt about it it was a bit of a click moment for me when I went: wow yep I can see how I have been trapped for so long and how this is really important. Although as we know actually changing this and stepping outside of those comfort zones is a lot harder than people often think. I have struggled with social anxiety for years so this is quite a big area for me.
I need motivation. I need goal orientated style work. I do not do well with fluffiness - anorexia will worm its way around anything/everything someone tells me or gives me; I need concrete, written down in black and white. I need people to be honest and straight with me; I cannot do this whole “up in the clouds/wooly” talk.
Okay I am going to leave this here as although I could probably pick apart loads of things, I think answering this has helped me to a point but if I continue I think it might start to feel worse about myself as I can already feel the niggles of “you have done everything wrong AGAIN” “You are such a failure” blah blah blahBut thank you for this, it has helped me to put a few things in perspective xxx
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Hello Darkness My Old Friend
I see it.
I’m on the tip of the ice berg.
Slowly it’s melting beneath my feet.
Soon I’ll be crumbling & crashing down.
Shes back. She’s here. I feel her. She’s near.
So last little update since I last wrote. I kinda decided I wanna treat this platform as my safe space. A place where I can vent and complain about my life because sometimes you just fucking gotta let that shit out man.
So I left off with the eating disorder shit so I wanna talk about that because I’ve been stressed the fuck out.
I guess there’s no simpler way to put it... I’m relapsing. It’s been day 3 of restricting and today has been the worst because it was the easiest and now I’m in deep waters.
Today I got a trigger drink. I really do hate that word but it’ll make sense in a second. So back when I was in beauty school I got really really bad I was like 89-90 lbs. All I ever did was drink a dangerous amount of coffee & espresso & eat the same food everyday because it fit in my calorie amount. In that time I was eating 500 calories a day. I guess it was really bad then because I was dating an alcoholic/drug addict and he was mentally, verbally & sexually abusive. After he raped me several times I lost all control of myself and literally diminished into nothingness.
Ok so my trigger drink. I got an iced Americano. If you don’t know what that is it’s 4 shots of espresso with water. I get it black. So because it’s so strong I take small sips throughout the day and I realize I’m not hungry at all.
During the week I normally work at 12 or 1 til close which is anywhere from 8-9. But we all know in the salon world you leave when the last client is finished. So I never eat in the mornings because I’m never hungry. So I come home at 9:30 , smoke a half of a blunt & eat some snackers from Olga’s.
It’s not 12:55 am and my stomach is growling yet I’m not allowing myself to eat. Part of me is like “no don’t fall backwards you made so much progress.”
But I don’t care. I hate my body. I don’t like how I look I feel and look ugly. I’m not comfortable in my own skin and I miss being petite, skinny and tiny.
So I’m an assistant at a salon & spa so I work under the head stylist. She had this client today that was clearly anorexic. Her arms were sooo thin you could snap them like a pencil.
Now some normal persons initial reaction would probably be something like “oh wow she’s so skinny, she needs to gain some weight.”
But what was my initial reaction? Pure jealously. Pure rage. That I couldn’t let myself get to her point because I was too weak.
So I don’t care really right now if it’s my eating disorder talking or if it’s me... maybe it’s both or maybe we are one by now. I mean it’s been 11 years already... what’s 11 more right?
I swear my ED is just a drug I can’t seem to get away from. I love & hate everything about it. It’s a journey filled with endless pain & eternal sadness. You don’t realize what you’re doing to yourself until you step away & look at the big picture and you’re like “fuck maybe this is a problem.”
And the worst part is I even went out of state for treatment and everyone around me thinks I’ve magically recovered because that’s what I want them to think.
Nobody knows I’m relapsing.
I think my disorder is kinda like an addiction. It makes me feel safe and like I have control. I’m terrible with or without it. No matter how hard I try I always end up back in the depths of the disorder.
And what’s sad is I really see me going down hill this time. I’m just not happy with my life right now. I have no close friends which is completely my fault because I lied to them about being with my ex again. I don’t really have that close of a relationship with my older sister because she’s going through some shit. And I don’t know like I love my work so much I love what I do but the depression makes me feel like I’m not going anywhere in my career and that I’m gonna stay stagnant. Some days it’s so hard to get out of bed in the morning. I just feel lost & lonely. And when I feel that way I turn to my friends Ana & Mia because I guess they are my best friends yet terrible enemies. I feel so good yet lost & confused without them.
I don’t feel like anything when I’m at a healthy weight. It’s like the negative attention I get when I’m sickly thin is a pro in my eyes? God that makes no sense.
I still have old pictures on my phone of my body from 2015 up until now. I’m literally triggering myself by looking at old photos of myself. The only thoughts that run through my mind are : “ you were sooo thin. Why did you let yourself go? This is the largest you have ever been? You’re fat. What are you doing to yourself you pig?”
So I’m done. I hate my body. Sure I looked sexy to guys but fuck it I don’t care. Fuck feeling pretty or sexy about myself. I don’t deserve to feel that way. I’m a piece of fucking shit who is terrified of the world and I’m just a lost soul.
I’m so hurt by my past that I can’t forgive myself. I can’t move on. I can’t escape. I’m trapped by my mistakes and traumatic events that occurred because of those mistakes.
Like in all honesty I really do think it was my fault I was raped and abused. Why? Because I knew what he was doing was wrong and I still fucking stayed. I ran back and forth from the toxic relationship for almost 2 years!
The first night me and nick ( 1st Ex boyfriend) hooked up was not like any hookup... it was forced.
So story time. I knew this guy nick through my old friend tyra. I always thought he was cute but I thought if he got in shape and cleaned up a little he would be really attractive yanno? So anyways fast forward to November 2016. Me & my friend tyra go to a college house rave party. We get there and in comes nick. Right when I saw him I was like “damn.” He went to navy school and lost so much weight and he looked really good. So the party starts and everyone’s super fucked up. I got drunk, smoked hella weed, and did some coke & molly. So 5 am rolls around and bodies are just hitting the floor man. I swear I was on an episode of skins or something. So by this point nick and I kinda flirted with each other but it was nothing serious. He was blackout drunk and on hella drugs. So we are kinda flirting and hanging out and we are trying to find somewhere to sleep. Every fucking spot in the house is taken and I decided that nick and I could sleep behind the dj booth on the fucking basement floor. So I sit out my blanket and pillow. I just wanted to cuddle. I was so fucking exhausted by this point and not feeling good because what can I say me and molly don’t get along. And As we are cuddling he keeps grabbing on me and trying to stick his hand down my pants. I keep laughing and telling him to screw off and go to bed. He keeps trying and trying. I keep laughing but nervously now and he keeps being persistent and sticking his hands in my pants. And what did I do? I fucking gave in.
Then we started having a relationship a couple months after that and we went downhill super fast. He never wanted to have a real relationship with me. He was awkward & didn’t really make any conversations with me. We just would get fucked up together and have sex. After awhile he became super manipulative and just mean. I was always searching for valadation from him.
He went to a navy school that was 4 1/2 hours away from where I live. He would visit a lot so I would see him often. Eventually when I started beauty school I would go and visit him. I remember my first weekend up there. I took some days off school and was so excited to finally visit him. The agreement with my parents is that I drove to my sisters college which was about 2 1/2 hours from nicks school so he would pick me up from there because my car was sketchy to take the whole trip. So he picks me up from my sisters apartment and everything seems good. We talk the whole way there and laugh. I get to his apartment and right off the bat he seems awkward around his roommates with me there because I was only 18 at the time and nick was 20 and his roommates were 21 & 22 I think. Mind you he begged me to visit him up at school and always held it against me when we fought that I never made an effort to see him. So the first night is ok we drink but I don’t think I got that drunk. We have sex once or twice as expected and yeah everything seemed ok.
Well the next day things took a weird turn. The whole morning he doesn’t even speak to me and instantly just hops on top of me and starts taking my clothes off. We go to the mall later that evening and he runs into some friends from school. He introduces me as his friend. I just kinda look at him with that “are you fucking serious face?”. I know he got the message instantly. His excuse was that he slipped and said friend. Yeah ok.
The rest of that trip was a blur. We never even left that fucking bed. All he wanted was sex. Like every fucking hour. And I didn’t even feel anything.
I guess the first time he raped me was when I visited the first time. I remember he wouldn’t let me wear clothes to bed. He always wanted me to wear nothing or the least amount of clothes possible. I remember I would wake up in the middle of the night still drunk & confused to find him on top of me trying to “stick it in”. I would kinda be like “wtf Are you doing?” And he would make up some excuse or just “fall back asleep.”
The others times I went up there it got worse. Some days we would barely say a thing to each other. I began drinking a lot because I guess I thought that if you can’t beat em join em. I got sick and tired of always having to take care of his drunk ass so why not get wasted with him?
The abuse got so bad. I remember one time I drove home and had to pull over on the highway because I was sobbing. I couldn’t even sit down or stand up too fast because my vagina had been torn so badly because he would just shove it in. I remember one time I told him to stop because he was hurting me... he told me to “just get used to it” and proceeded to thrust.
I felt trapped. Every time I tried to leave he lured me back in. Until finally I had enough. I stood up to his bullshit and told him what he was doing to me was terrible and no human in their right mind would do that to another human. I finally left.
I think those were my darkest days. My disorder really took ahold of my life and my own fucking boyfriend didn’t realize that I was 90 lbs. I was so sick.
But I still feel responsibility for those events that occurred. It’s MY fault. I could’ve left. I could’ve stood my ground right from the start. I could’ve stood up and grabbed my things that night we were lying beneath the dj booth.
I could’ve. I should’ve.
I didn’t.
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