I just had the weirdest dream

tags: boyfriend! seungcheol x reader, just a little light-hearted fluff of seungcheol being a dramatic whiny baby when he’s sick, mentions of dry scalp and skin picking lol, seungcheol is very whiny | wc: 742

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a classic cough and cold combo paired with a side of fever-related aches and pains — that was the diagnosis, not the life-threatening illness seungcheol was sure he’d contracted. he’d tried convincing you it was fast-spreading. like really fast. like it has taken over his body and has been shutting down his organs one by one for the past 6 hours fast.

‘i’m going to die. it’s not a joke anymore. i seriously feel like i’m going to die’ he tugs at the hem of your t-shirt as you clear up the mountain of tissues on the left bedside table, and then tugs again while you’re clearing up a pile of dishes on the right.

you sigh, ignoring him, and disappear into the kitchen to reappear with a fresh bowl of hot chicken soup ‘seungcheol, we’ve been over this already. you’re not going to die’

‘forget it! just get me my will. i have to make some last-minute changes’ he asks for it dramatically, draping a limp arm over his eyes.

‘you don’t have a will’ you blow on the hot soup in quick bursts before feeding him a spoonful.

‘ugh, never mind. it’s fine’ the will talk is waved off with a quick fan of the hand to make way for what he says next ‘they give everything to the spouse anyway. wait, do they?’

‘i don’t know, and we’re not married’ you remind him, stirring the hot liquid so the shredded chicken, his favourite part, rises to the top.

‘god, you’re right’ he sits up a little straighter and grabs your free hand, suddenly somber ‘do you take choi seungcheol to be your lawf-’

you force-feed him another spoonful to shut him up, a bit of it spilling onto the quilted blanket. the soup must’ve still been too hot because he lets out a little cry, whining, though it’s entirely possible he’s overreacting.

‘you’re not taking this seriously, i’m actually dying’

‘you’re not’

‘what do you know! you’re not a doctor!’ he grumbles, taking a moment to tell you he really likes the soup and really really appreciates you making it for him before continuing to rant.

‘yeah, and what about the actual doctor we called who said you’re not?’

‘he doesn’t know anything either, that hack. the people on the internet’ he picks up his phone from the bed, showing you a screenshot from some site you’re pretty sure is for hypochondriacs to confirm each other’s delusions, and taps on the screen ‘have told me i have less than 24 hours left. 24. 24!’

‘seungcheol, i can’t have this conversation with you anymore. seriously. you need to go to sleep’ you put the empty bowl aside, straightening, and then pulling the blanket up to cover him.

‘no, no, don’t leave. i want lap time’ he pouts, baby-talking his way into his third one of the day. you sit back down on the bed with a sigh as he repositions himself to lay on your lap, wriggling his head around until he’s comfy. your fingers slowly comb through his hair, your nails scratching lightly against his scalp to soothe him. in a slightly gross but domestic act, you pick a few bits of flaky skin out of his unwashed hair, flicking them away. you should wash it for him later, you think. he’d like that.

seungcheol always found the sensation of you picking at his scalp strangely comforting, and surprisingly quite sleep-inducing. minutes pass without a single sound.

it’s quiet. finally. or so you think.

‘if i die, you can’t date anyone for the next 10 years. at least’

‘what?!’ you jerk your thighs up, pushing him off your lap ‘10 years? you’re crazy’

he can’t believe what he’s hearing.

‘i was just being nice. you shouldn’t date anyone ever, but ohmygod, i can’t believe you want to be with someone else’ he presses his fingers to his temples, suddenly coming down with a headache.

‘so let me get this straight’ he continues ‘you’re telling me when i die tomorrow-’

‘you won’t’

‘-when i die tomorrow, you’re going to bring some other man to my funeral?!’ his cheeks now hot with a shade of distressed pink.

you’re not sure where he’s got that from but you’ve had enough. you get up, grabbing the bowl, and look him straight in the eye, pinching his cute little cheeks ‘well, it’s a good thing you’re not dying then’

you walk out, leaving him right there on the bed, hot and most definitely cold.

😐💀 A Dumbass Appeared (Ask Edition) A post regarding Viv Stans (Part 2)

Before we begin I want to say that I will absolutely not be censoring the person in this for valid reasons. I'll however censor the people who are just regular visitors.

What brilliance unfolds in my ask box? They put themselves out there on purpose "because reason"... I guess?

Reminder This is the Internet, you put yourself out there, your out there forever and if you do something stupid or say something stupid, your idiocy might go viral enough where you get called out so don't expect people to cover you up when YOU did this To Yourself

When I changed my bio to say "Bored ASF, Ask a Goth" I didn't mean be a god damn loser and make up shit on purpose for Bait reasons.

Yes this is real and Yes these were sent by a Viv Stan and it's OBVIOUSLY Bait but I still wanted to review it just for fun because I was literally laughing my ass off and I ain't even high!! 🤣 that And the actual person was Serious about deleting their profile along with taking the time to remove one by one every like and post from their profile which is hilarious. I didn't even make a post at the time and they disappear Anyway 😂. So I had absolutely no option to respond regardless. Lol you didn't think I'd see that but I did LMAO. You took the time to send me this but couldn't take a couple seconds to block me right after so I don't see your profile disappear but I guess you're just that stupid. What stopped you from just deleting your account without going through lengths to type this shit up?

We start with Kona, a boot lickin Viv stan living in denial over the fact that their obviously a Viv Stan. I said I wasn't going to answer this but this is HORRIBLE 😂 How could I Not share!

I love how you literally sat here and took the time to go ""Anonymous"" on the first ask you sent me showing your name and profile only to turn around and send me Another ask and Then another begging to me down on your knees basically telling me to forget I saw your ass 🤣🤣🤣

Omfgfgfggg🤣🤣🤣

I absolutely applaud how you "went out of your way to ALL these critics" like your some kinda Big Dawg white knighting for Viv telling us to "Listen up" because God Damnit "This town ain't Big Enough for the two of us" only to completely disappear off the face of the earth because you knew I saw your ass and you got scared.

I'm assuming you saw my last post where I said "Stick it" when referring to someone else that didn't agree with the helluva boss and hazbin hotel critical community...so you took it to heart and used it in the ask!? Did my post offend you 🥺🥺🥺? Omg I'm terribly sorry that I'm not a boot licking Viv Stan... I truly am (⁠◡⁠ ⁠ω⁠ ⁠◡⁠)

So... you attack Showtoonz for no reason other than *Double Checks Notes* ahh here we go "Having valid opinions" fresh off the table *chef kiss excuse* lol

LMAO they really said "Ass takes" omg no wayyy 😂

I also applaud how you basically said that the entirety of the helluva boss and hazbin hotel critical community an "embarrassment to our democracy" lol where that come from? and that the best argument you can come up with is that "*ughhh* your all "cOnSeRvAtIvEs" like did you travel across time and space through the Internet, see my page, and pretend to get triggered over the fact that I'm p***tically balanced in every direction?? Open minded if you will!? What does critiquing a show have to do with what's going on outside in the world? You do realize a lot of these people critiquing Viv Are in fact Democrats (me included in that spectrum) that Were fans of Viv and don't agree with Viv because she messes shit up on purpose 😂

Love how your one of those people that's obviously too far on the edge who are an actual embarrassment to society because this is the shit you put out there along with the

"YoUr NoT oNe Of Us" argument because what else would you pull out of your ass like legit your literally the type of person that likes to sniff your own fucking farts... Geez

I can't stop laughing 🤣

"One of Us! One of Us! Gooble gobble, Gooble gobble, One of Us! One of Us!" Like I can't. We Dems ain't gonna bow down to you and kiss your ass like your some kind of King so you might as well get over it buttercup

Regarding the last one for Bait reasons you decided to bring janky brained Joe into this... What a legend! You really showed us Dems the middle finger and went "Fuck ALL of You" 😂 Hey pal I'm NGL, but all I'm saying is that maybe you shouldn't be so into your own p***tical fart clouds so much because all that methane n shit will clog up your thinking.

"OMG I've been exposed by my own "Brilliance" in taking down these critics, please don't expose me"

W H E E Z E !!!

this last bits my favorite part

"*Clears throat* "If you disagree with me I'm going to "delete my account"

(Welp I guess I disagree with you :D, have a nice day ^^ Adios!! 🤣) Wait? You were actually Serious??? 🤣🤣🤣

"run to Twitter" with all my problems (because of course your one of those losers) and "bitch" to my two followers that "Will raise all hell" down onto those "Antis" who are so Mean and Negative where my post is sure to go viral enough to take down the entire critical community and reap their rights away from them"

Without any proof, but instead your tail tucked between your legs as you run and hide.

PA THETIC

Managed to get this on the way out. A Viv Stan in denial who's also a hypocrite. Oh but we "anti Viv Stan critics" have "ass takes" and "no valid criticism" You blindly support woomy... The same person who attacked multiple people in our communities for having valid opinions!

Fucking Cringe dude

Hi, I'm new to Blood Brothers AU and I was curious about it. Can you explain about it or show me where I can see the best explanation about it?

ohhh, dear asker, the rabbit hole i'm about to send you down... >:)

alright let me try and explain it in the most coherent way possible, it's late at night BUT i will try my best!!!

explanation under the cut!

(in general, if you're new to the bb au like this asker and trying to find your way around this overwhelming hell of an au we've concocted, i recommend you start here :D)

wow. i tried SO HARD to make this a semi-concise explanation and YET it somehow turned into a mini-fic in itself towards the end there. sighhh... (lol even still, have fun reading!)

first thing's first i need to tell you aboutttt

The Parallel World / "Better World".

in journal 3, ford mentions visiting a parallel dimension in which stan never pushed him into the portal, and instead took his journal and hid it as ford had requested.

^ some screenshots to give you the basic gist of what's going on in that dimension, everything you need to know for the time being. you can read more about it on internet archive if you like

at some point in august i reread this part of journal 3 and became obsessed with the idea of a parallel dimension. i also noticed that apart from mentioning how he never pushed ford into the portal and took the journal in this world, parallel stan is just... not really brought up. at all. ...which opens up some interesting possibilities.

as you can probably guess, this dimension features in the blood brothers au! in my interpretation, the reason stan was never mentioned is because after leaving with ford's journal, he never came back, just seemingly disappeared off the planet. parallel ford... has not been handling this well (and a certain bastard triangle only serves to play up his worst fears!), and because he has such a large student body to attend to and take care of and protect, he represses his issues, buries them under layers and layers of work and responsibilities. nobody even knows he has a brother...

not even his nephew and niece, dipper and mabel. however, they're observant as all hell. as secretive as ford is, they see past his little white lies, they see how he doesn't eat properly and falls asleep at his desk and laughs nervously when someone asks if he's alright. (i haven't talked much about the role they play in this au on tumblr, but rest assured i'll be elaborating more on it in my upcoming fic that may come out sometime within... um... the next few months to the next few decades. they're still the same old mystery twins we know and love, except now they've set their sights on figuring out what their grunkle ford is hiding. very Not What He Seems reminiscent)

alright, now that i've mostly covered the parallel world, time to move on to:

The Portal Stan AU

while i was obsessing over the Better World, a parallel dimension/"alternate universe" which already exists in canon, i started thinking about another AU which is fairly popular in the gravity falls fandom: the portal stan AU. in which stan, rather than ford, gets sent into the portal. thought it was a fantastic concept ever since i first saw it, because it opens so many doors for interesting characterization and also some good ol' angst (and later a healing arc, of course). portal stan has, after all, spent 40 or so years without a solid family base or anyone to care for him. and i can imagine that in those 30 years he spent dimension-hopping, his only thought was to return to his home dimension and see ford again. yes, he was furious and frustrated when they had that last argument, but surely in hindsight he saw how paranoid and jittery ford had been throughout their meeting. he would want to get back and make sure his brother was safe as soon as possible.

and then i had the thought which kicked off this entire au:

what if portal stan fucked up and somehow stumbled upon the parallel dimension while searching for a way home? what if portal stan and parallel ford... MET?

portal stan sees parallel ford and his situation and comes to the conclusion that, without him in the way, ford would flourish. parallel ford sees portal stan and comes to the conclusion that no matter the universe, he somehow manages to destroy stan's life just by being in it. even just knowing that the other exists exacerbates their own insecurities. IT'S SO AWFUL AND SO PERFECT.

also, portal stan couldn't be more desperate to get out of the parallel dimension- partly because he hates the reminder that ford would be better off without him, but mostly because he wants to see his real brother again. however, parallel ford has other plans for him. he's been in denial about the true fate of his own brother for a long time now, but he sees this version of stan and decides he can't afford to let go of him. (his own mental state is too fragile to accept the idea of losing stan again, even if this isn't his own stan. he already let go of him once after the WCT fiasco, and again after the journal incident. thrice is... thrice is too much.)

you may also be thinking "hey, smart guy, i actually DID read that screenshot you posted above while explaining the parallel dimension. it said parallel ford and fiddleford constructed a little something called a Vortex Neutralizer which allows for safe, bill-free multiversal travel. couldn't portal stan just use that to get out of there?"

yeaaah, parallel ford doesn't tell him about that!

he will do almost anything to keep stan with him. he is sinking his claws into that man begging him not to leave-

and stan hates him for it. tears into him with insult after insult. he can't stand this ford, why's he acting like he doesn't have everything he could ever want? (except, of course, he doesn't really hate him. after all, this is still stanford pines, maybe not his ford but he's certainly a ford. same old easily excitable nerd he used to tease back in high school. but stan still has his own ford to attend to, one who needs him more than anything... probably... hopefully, so he shuts out the part of him which is growing fond of parallel ford. tells himself not to think too much about this one. he hardly even knows him. he shouldn't have to bother.)

-

and yeah that's. i think that's enough information to take in in a single post. there's still plenty more going on with the au that i haven't touched on here, but hey that's just the premise! i would link you to more specific posts which will help you further acquaint yourself with the au, but it's. it's 2am and i am incredibly sleepy, so instead i will simply provide you with the link to the blog archive, where you can look at all the posts on here without having to scroll endlessly trying to find specific things. enjoy!!!

if you have any more questions DON'T BE AFRAID TO COME BOTHER ME ABOUT IT !!! i loved answering this ask... <3 been meaning to rewrite a better AU Premise Post than the one i made back in august anyway lol

I'm sorry.

I should have made more of an effort to be communicative. To tell you what was unfolding.

I'm very happy to see you thriving.

Hi~

It took me a second, but I think I may know who you are. If you are who I think you are, then thank you for this kind message, my friend. I greatly appreciate your thoughtfulness now, and apology accepted ❤️

Internet friendships are a funny thing. They are intimate and real in ways that many IRL friendships aren't. Yet internet friendships are often extremely cursory when it comes to basic things we usually take for granted in IRL friendships--like last names, phone numbers, regular forms of contact, having access to mundane knowledge--like the daily events that pop up in a friends life. You may see someone's bedroom and know their intimate thoughts, yet never know their real name. I've been fortunate enough to have actually gotten to know most of my close friends from here, but even then, there are always some mysteries that remain with some. (It's always that thin line between being invasive and curious....🤣)

And sometimes, they disappear without warning.

I've always asked the few people I've gotten close to here to please at least let me know, if they can, that they are leaving. And that they are OK. I appreciate the fact that real life is messy and unpredictable and that this may not always be possible or feasible. However, I always hope that they will at least do me the courtesy of letting me know...if not when it happens, perhaps some time in the future. And...I'm thinking this may be the latter...? If so, I'm flattered I'm still a thought. ❤️

My worst fear is not knowing that something happened to a friend and then just assuming the worst. I've thankfully not had that happen very often, but it is a thought that haunts me from time to time. (Yes, I'm one of those sentimental ones, lol)

This is a roundabout way of me saying that I understand that internet friendships often don't come with the same expectations that IRL friendships may--but it is greatly appreciated when someone makes the effort to be considerate. In this case, I was very appreciative and touched to get this message. I have to say I wasn't expecting it and it was a lovely surprise. I hope everything is well with you too. Please know that you are always welcome to say hi, should you wish to ❤️. I appreciate this gesture, and there are no hard feelings.

The close friendships I've made here hold a special place in my heart. I often wonder where these friends may be, years from now--the sentimental, connection-seeking part of me always hopes that they will still be around. I've always been a firm believer that connections that are meant to be will always remain, in some shape or form.

And if I was totally wrong about who you are, and you have no idea what I'm talking about....then...well...whoops. My bad. 🤣😬 What I said about internet friendships still hold true...and I apologize for any confusion 🤣

This a remake of something I posted on my old blog. On July 8th 2023 Bob tweeted;

Since the original image attached is quite long and pixelated, I transcribed it- exactly as he wrote it. He says that he regrets things he's said in the past, talks about where he is at now, and sends a message out to past friends. You can find the full message text underneath the cut. Warning for talk about suicide and internet hate.

[Tweet] bob bryar @/bobbryar: i really shouldn't post this but, as you know, i make some bad decisions. i think if you click it you should be able to read the whole thing. sorry it's kind of long. ❤️-bc

[Image] hi friends,

i'm going to go out on a super long limb and be the most honest i've ever been in my life. probably too honest. i was going to write something like this only to my close friends but i just decided fuck it, i'll write to everyone, whoever wants to read it can read it. i have nothing to hide. nothing to lose.

nobody knows i'm doing this and it's all me by myself. it will probably be a jumbled mess because i'm obviously feeling like shit, but i hope it will make sense. i have nothing that i'm trying to promote. i have nothing that i'm trying to sell, i'm just trying to get better, clear some things up, and keep going. i'm an extremely private person now so it makes no sense at all for me to do this, and it's way out of my comfort zone, but i'm tired of people dying. i will probably regret this but...... fuck it, way too many friends are now gone and i'm exhausted so here we go.

i've spent years hiding from everyone because i receive so much hate that i don't know how to deal with, and i know i probably deserve it. somehow, no matter how much i hide, i still get messages, phone calls, texts, and even letters in my mailbox. a lot of them are very nice and they make me smile, but most are pretty much telling me to die. some literally just say "DIE" and that's it. LOL. i really don't understand why anyone even cares or takes the time to find me but here we are.

i am way too old for this shit so i've put on a tough guy stone face and pretended like nothing ever bothered me. but when i'm alone i just sit and stare at the wall and think about how things went so wrong. how i had so many friends and now have so few, and now i lost the life that i really enjoyed and worked so hard for. honestly, i've become a pretty lonely and unhappy dude.

i feel very lucky and fortunate so i've worked extra hard to help people and animals that needed a hand without ever bragging or asking for anything in return. even after trying so hard to be the best person that i could possibly be i still feel like an extremely hated dude and i'm not really sure why. when i moved into my hole in the woods most people just forgot about me and didn't care, or never cared anyways, but the people that still come after me are too much to handle.

a while ago i made the decision to give away everything that i owned, give away all of my money, spend some time with the few friends that i had left, wipe my phone, stop talking or replying to everyone so they wouldn't care, and then end it. peace out. i even had the note, the rope (ratchet strap for moving the motorcycles) and location (my garage) ready to go. i felt like that was the only option for me. i felt like i had lived my life and it was time for me to go. i had lost my girl of 13 years that i really needed and relied on, lost all of my pets that were like my kids, had multiple friends die or just disappear, and lost every part of the music industry that i grew up in and lived 24/7. it seemed like everyone in that world magically disappeared when i wasn't getting them gigs, making them money, or getting them into events for free anymore. i had my wrist surgically rebuilt twice to be able to play instruments again but by the time my hand worked i was too old to start over, everything was gone, luckily for me, at the last moment i realized that wasn't the solution. i realized that i couldn't put my mom, my dogs, and the few friends i had left through something like that. i don't think anyone else would have cared to be honest.

i was in a really bad spot but i really didn't, and don't want to die. i was just an angry and lost dude. i lost all trust in people. i still only trust a couple people now and i'll probably be this way for the rest of my life. i also had no idea that i came off as such a jerk all the time. i never meant to. i only just realized it recently when i hit bottom and people got real with me. i really had no idea. other than my fake tough guy attitude i always thought i was a really good person that did good things for the world.

in the past i've made some dumb comments that were either admittedly wrong or were very misinterpreted. i've learned a lot since then and i'm sorry. i really am sorry. maybe i can have the opportunity to address those comments, or anything else, to clear the air and maybe feel happy again. maybe we can be friends again. maybe we can even help someone else that is feeling shitty or alone at the same time.

i'm now mentally healthy (still physically a potato), humbled, and ready to move forward. i want to reconnect with friends, catch up with the rest of the world that i avoided for so long, and remember the experiences (good and bad) that i've blocked out. it's super weird for me at this point but i want to talk more. maybe something on an app. i don't know what everyone uses now. remember, it's been a while and i'm an old man now. i've never gone on a live camera app to talk so i'm not sure which one is the best or how to use any of them. i messed around with instagram the other day when i was trying to play a game and i think i got it figured out for the most part. i dont especially want to be seen because i'm a fat old man now, and i hate being on camera, but i think it's the best way to be real. i have the username "bobbryar" on every app that i'm aware of except instagram. the instagram username is "bcbryar" because someone took my name for some reason. btw, i'd like to have that back if anyone knows how.

i'm probably opening the door for a refueled barrage of embarrassment, but this is my last try to make things fun and live a happy life again. so fuck it again. if this turns out horribly i will just go back to my hole and not try again. i promise.

i know most of you are thinking 'waaah, fuck you, i don't care, nobody likes you anymore, you're old, just go away, etc'. i've heard it all and i understand. but for the people who want to talk, let's do it and hopefully be friends again. i've been thinking about this for a while now.

maybe this is dumb. probably. i don't know. but if you are down i will hang out as long as you want. if it goes well maybe we can talk more often. maybe it might be fun. it's definitely time to have some motherfucking fun again.

i already know that i'm going to get super extra roasted for writing this but oh well. don't care.

anyways... let me know if you are down. i'd really like to have my friends back in my life again. i really miss my friends a lot.

i'm heading back over to the DCI competition now and i'm late. i miss that a lot too. maybe i'll see you there, come hang out and have some fun.

i hope to talk very soon.

❤️ -bc.

[Reply to the tweet] bob bryar @/bobbryar: you can save it as a picture and then see the whole thing. thanks for the help jordan. 🙂

Hi Alicia, thanks for opening up conversation about H&L, and being open about how you’re feeling! I’ve only been involved in Larrie fandom since 2021. I teetered on the edge for a while until I watched the cosmicleeds timelines, as I hadn’t been present to see events in real time so didn’t have that historical connection.

In my limited experience, I feel like this time of year is testing. Winter girlfriends, stunting with F, and no opportunity for direct connection with L&H’s music personas through their concerts. This season is worse for many of us because world news is so disheartening, and trivialities of oblivious rich celebrities feels hard to stomach.

I live in Australia and will be going to all of Louis’s shows in a few weeks. I’m nervous about how much I will enjoy them because I’m feeling cynical about how unvalued we are as fans, especially post chickengate etc. I’ve been lucky enough to see Louis live in 2022 & 2023 and it’s always been a really positive experience, plus I often livestream which adds a lot to it. Ahead of the upcoming shows I’ve been withdrawing a bit from engagement with the fandom to try and preserve my experience. I am a natural cynic anyway, and have often wrestled with doubts about whether we’re being fully played to increase fandom engagement (à la the explicit formula apparently used by industry for KPop success which includes alluding to gay relationships). I agree with the sentiment that you need to feel good things about the artist to enjoy the art, and so much of what I perceive to be stunting is making me not feel good about H or L. I am feeling particularly disengaged from H because of his steadfast alignment to the A**offs, and their stance on I*rael, but also the fact that almost everyone in his public social circle seems so odious. I am more forgiving of L, although the stuff with F and the sharp ways he pushes Larries away really tests me. My time in fandom is significantly shorter than yours, but my emotional response is still complex and definitely making me feel down and uncomfortable. I can only imagine how magnified that would be for you.

I think many of us become part of fandom for community, as well as for entertainment and joy. Cynicism and disengagement are hard things to find community in, and not great for our general moods. I hope your love of Stray Kids, or any other artists you come across, brings you joy and hopefully community over time.

Sorry for the essay 😂 Wishing you all the best 💗

i teared up a little at the end there, you’re so sweet 🥲. this entire message is absolutely spot on for me. the harry stuff in particular is really bothering me because in addition to his connection to the azoffs, i feel like were the things that are happening in palestine happening anywhere else, he would have said something at least once… and anne reposted some “i don’t know enough to comment” nonsense a while ago that was originally posted by the founder of choose love (ironic lmfao) and it put such a bad taste in my mouth. feels like he disappeared for a while in hopes that everyone would just forget he exists.

as for louis, yeah the chicken thing was so unnecessary and honestly made him look ridiculous. i’ll forever stand by my belief that he truly does love his queer fans, especially after experiencing the gay megamix last july, but it certainly is a delicate dance between that and whatever the fuck the chicken tweet was 😭. i hope you’ll still be able to enjoy your concerts, though! freddie was literally at mine and he shouted him out but i still had a really good time AND i cried lol.

i’m definitely having a lot of fun being in my stray kids era even though kpop stans are maybe the meanest, most miserable people on the internet… other than that though, it’s nice to be a fan of something without over a decade of the most insane baggage you’ve ever heard of behind it. i’m almost glad kpop idols can’t date publicly lmao. and skz are very sweet, talented and genuine boys and i love them.

anyway, thank you so much for your message! no need to apologize, you and i are definitely on the same wavelength. i wish you all the best right back 💖💖💖

Hello (Hola)

Uh

Welcome to my epic blog thingy (I think) (Bienvenidx a mi coso de blog épico (creo))

You can call me Blu or you can call me my (other nick)name (it's Ari) (me puedes decir Blu o me puedes llamar mi (otro) apodo (es Ari)

My pronouns are she/her (mis pronombres son ella o los que sean en español ayuda pasé mucho tiempo en el internet en inglés)

I'm 2763 years old (not revealing my actual age for now (I'm a minor btw)) (tengo 2763 años (no voy a revelar mi edad real por ahora)(por cierto,soy menor de edad))

I like drawing (me gusta dibujar)

(mi habilidad de dibujar caras desapareció lol)

I don't consider myself too good at art but definitely not too bad (I still appreciate help though)

(no me considero tan buena dibujando pero definitivamente no tan mala (aún así aprecio ayuda))

(and in case you've seen my art before reading this,yes,I know limbs aren't straight lines)

(y en caso de que has visto mi arte antes de leer esto,si,ya se que las extremidades no son líneas rectas)

(HEY

TIENES QUE DIBUJAR LAS EXTREMIDADES ASÍ *extremidades correctas anatómicamente™*

NO ASÍ *extremidades rectas*)

(last image was literally copied from eddsworld - spares in yt)

(la última imágen fue literalmente copiada de eddsworld - spares en yt (estoy segura de que ralotrexx tiene fandubs de eso porque está en inglés))

Also sometimes my inspiration just disappears for some reason so I might be inactive sometimes (thinking about changing my blog name from "an epic duck fan" to "a lazy fool" whenever my inspiration just vanishes,I might not do it though lol)

(ah sí,y a veces mi inspiración solo desaparece por alguna razón así que puede que esté inactiva a veces (he estado pensando sobre cambiar el nombre de mi blog de "an epic duck fan (una fan épica de patos)" a "a lazy fool (una tonta floja)" cuando mi inspiración solo desaparezca,aunque puede que no lo haga XD))

(su inspiración desapareció (aunque no ahora mismo))

Btw I'm terrible at words sometimes for some reason so if I accidentally say something offensive or something that doesn't even make sense sorry

(por cierto soy terrible con las palabras a veces por alguna razón así que si accidentalmente digo algo ofensivo o algo que no tiene sentido perdón)

(no sabe inglesear (o siquiera españolear) (SHHHHH si son palabras))

Anyways,I think that's all,sorry if this introduction was terrible,idk how to make introductions DX (also this is the very first blog I make)

(en fin,creo que eso es todo, perdón si está introducción fué terrible, no sé como hacer introducciones DX (y este es el primer blog que hago)

Oh and I have a very (un)healthy obsession with chonny jash so expect drawings related to his music

(ah sí,tengo una muy (no) saludable obsesión con chonny jash así que espera dibujos relacionados a su música (chafagoni tiene traducciones en español de algunas de sus canciones en yt)

Sorry new DNI list

DNI list:

-NSFW accounts

-usual DNI stuff (homophobic, terfs, pedophiles, that stuff)

You're on VERY thin ice if...

-you support controversial people (joe Hawley, Juno, tap, those people) (I do not want to be a part of anything controversial, you're not on the DNI list because I can't blame you for having a point of view, however, that doesn't mean I'm on your side or that I support you)

Accounts:

@ary11y

You have hundreds of people who love your work. Me included. I know it is hard, and there is a part of me so overwhelmed with the feeling that no one cares for my content and no one cares for me that I debate deleting all of my social medias all together, never to return, so I may not be able to understand fully what you are going through, but I can at least relate.

At this point I consider you a good friend. I would understand if you did not feel the same. This is the internet after all, I would understand if you considered me a weird stranger that just keeps popping in from time to time. But know that I care for you, I worry about you, and I love you. Everyday I think to myself “I hope Nok is doing okay today” and every day I mean it so genuinely.

I want nothing but happiness for you. And I know that it will be a journey, I know that happiness does not come free nor easy. But your journey does not have to be alone. I am always here to talk or just lend an ear. My arm is extended, it will never disappear, even if you do not take it, it will still be there.

I love you very much Nok. I wish I could give you real hugs and real comfort, but digital comfort is all I have right now. Stay safe, eat a nice meal, and rest. 💜

Lol I don't know about hundreds, but the quality of folks I have backing me up is far more important than the quantity for sure, & I can't thank you all enough for the sheer amount of support I've received in the last few days too♡

& also I'm terribly sorry to know you go through a similar pain... it'a often I find myself getting close to deleting this blog, like I've done in the past, & just relieving everyone of my annoying presence.

I really do get it, bud 😓

But thank you times a million for being so kind & always having such nice things to say to me. & don't worry, def consider you a friend too, my dude!

Hope you stay well & safe, too. Thanks again, bud♡

Writing this for my doctor's appointment on the 30th of April

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on the 30th. Decided to write down some of the symptoms(?) that I feel are a bit alarming.

Slight backstory: I was diagnosed with CPTSD, Chronic Insomnia, and Anxiety back in 2018. Fast forward to February 2024, I came to a conclusion to see my doctor again because of my inability to do focused work for more than an hour. I tried using various methods- as I have probably mentioned in my past posts, productivity hacks i.e., the Pomodoro Method was one of the many methods I tried to improve productivity. It worked for a time but it seemed like my body in it of itself was rejecting working for too long, favoring the act of rotting in bed and doomscrolling through basically every social media platform known to man. Eventually it came to a point where it was affecting my work. I no longer was earning as much as I wanted(I work freelance, so the number of hours I work every week determines my salary). I wanted to solve it, of course. We're living in this wretched late-stage capitalistic society, so I couldn't have it.

And so I saw my doctor with that in mind, and she said she'd up my Fluoxetine intake and screen me for ADHD the next time I see her, given that I do a series of laboratory exams to determine the state of my body after more or less 5 years of taking Fluoxetine on and off. I haven't gotten back to her because mental healthcare is fucking expensive and I felt alright.

So there's that. I skipped the follow-up, went about my March, went to different places, had the time of my life, all while maintaining my meds and living my "best" life, whatever the fuck that meant. Perhaps you can deduce; you've seen the photos. Assuming someone has even the slightest interest in this little corner of the internet lol.

Alright, backstory over. Let's proceed.

You see, before all that happened, sometime in March (before all the travelling and the living my best life™ shenanigans), I was having a big bad depressive episode. It lasted for a few weeks before March 10. That episode culminated into one huge hopeless crying fit, as it always does.

So I was having a fistfight with my depression. The fistfight (crying fit - a meltdown, if you will) included the typical feelings of hopelessness, and the terrifying notion of it not feeling better ever. As usual, I ended up banging my seemingly hollow chest and crying, "I'm just a girl, why is this happening to me?" in front of my poor boyfriend who, bless his heart, was trying his best to console me.

But here's the weird part. I cried and cried for what felt like an hour (not sure how long it was actually tbh), feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders while simultaneously feeling the sheer emptiness inside me... but for some reason, a switch flipped and it was... gone? I felt alright. Great, even. I stopped crying, wiped my tears, and went to my office space to resume working while nursing a headache.

It's now the 24th of April and (surprise, surprise) I went through the horrific cycle again. Sick and tired of going through the usual pattern of feeling absolutely miserable and missing work for the past few weeks, etc etc., I ended up crying beside my boyfriend again.

As I was decorating his pillow with tear stains and snot from the mess that is Maria Angelica Espiritu, I felt it again.

The switch.

The switch only took a second, but it took me a few minutes to assimilate to the situation. One thing was for certain though: I was sure that I was "okay" even before the tear stains on Stephen's pillow were dry. Again, I had the same disoriented feeling and the annoying headache, but the depression cloud seemingly disappeared, completely. This time though, I felt super confused. What and why is this happening?

This was when Stephen suggested to document it. This might be something important. Has my brain chemistry changed?

So I guess that's what I want to explore on my doctor's appointment this 30th of April.

Is something wrong with me? Is this a sign that I'm healing? What's happening to my lil ol brain?

I'll update when I find out.

These are fun and I’m trying to avoid work so I’m filling out a questionnaire thing from when I was like 14/15 lmao...

TEN "ARE YOU'S": 1. Are you single? – Yes. 2. Are you happy? - Delusionally happy, but if I’m in reality no. 3. Are you bored? – I WISH BUT I’M AN ADULT WITH A JOB SO I REALLY WISH I WAS (honestly miss those days of boredom as a teen...I took those days for GRANTED).  5. Are you Italian? – Nope  6. Are you German? – Halfish...I’m biracial so on my white side there’s a lot of German. 7. Are you Asian? – No. 8. Are you French? – Maybe somewhere on the white side of my family? Though I doubt it.  9. Are you Irish? – 1% haha (this I do know) 10. Are your parents still married? – Yes. _____________________________________ FACTS 1. Hair color – Brown. 2. Hair Style – Long braids :) 3. Eye Color – Brown. 4. Gender – Fem-presenting cis woman  5. Lefty or Righty- Right. ____________________________________ TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE: 1. Have you ever been in love? – I’ve been in lust ;) but not in love. 2. Do you believe in love at first sight? – I don’t personally, but I know some people do and I’m totally on board with that.  3. Who is the last girl you talked to? – One of my best friends 4. Have you ever been hurt? Most definitely (unfortunately its just a part of life) 5. Have you ever broken someone’s heart? – Not that I now of 6. Are you in love? – Nope 7. Are you friends with your ex? – Yes, as it was one of those situations where we both realized that we are better off as friends then romantic partners. The breakup wasn’t dramatic at all and was a mutual decision from both of us. Now we are happy and friends. In fact my ex is married now and I’m super happy for them :).  8. Are you afraid of commitment? – YES 9. Have you hugged someone within the last week? – Oof no (yikes lol) 10. Have you ever had a secret admirer? – Yeah...and unfortunately it was mostly from creepy ass old men my dads age... _____________________________________ TEN THIS OR THAT: 1. Love or Lust? – I’mma be 100% honest and say lust...being a slut is too much fun.  2. Lemonade or Iced Tea? – Lemonade 3. Cats or Dogs?- BOTH 4. A few best friends or many regular friends? – A few best friends 5. Television or Internet? – Internet 7. Wild night out or romantic night in? – As a now 30 year old grandma I’d definitely rather have a romantic night in because going out is too much effort...if I were in college and in my early 20s I’d definitely say wild night out.  8. Pink or Purple? – PINK 9. Day or Night? – Night definitely. I’m a big night owl.  10. IM or Phone? – WOW THIS LIST IS OLD ASF...I don’t remember the last time I used IM XD. So definitely phone because who uses IM anymore xD.  _____________________________________ TEN HAVE YOU EVER'S: 1. Been caught sneaking out? – Nope...fun fact, when I was 16 I snuck out once to go to a Slipknot concert with a goth boy I liked in hopes he’d notice me...he didn’t in fact..notice. In fact he ended up flirting with the other girl who went with us...OOF. 2. Fell down the stairs? – LOL, yes. 3. White water rafted? – Nope 4. Finished an entire jaw breaker? – Yes 5. Wanted something/someone so bad it hurt? - In a slutty way yes... 7. Skipped School? – Nope...I was too much of a goody two shoes in school to do that lmao. I also had African parents so there was NO WAY I’d be able to get away with that. 8. Wanted to disappear? – HAHAHAHAHAAHA as someone with diagnosed high-functioning depression hell yes... 9. Been to a concert? – Yes 10. Mailed a letter? – Yes _____________________________________ NINE PREFERENCES FOR THE OPPOSITE GENDER (WHAT IN THE HETERONORM IS THIS LIST LMAO! I’m still going to answer it anyway because its amusing): 1. Smile or Eyes? – Smile  2. Light or Dark Hair? – Hair color? The fuck xD. I will say though that if he’s a blonde adult its a big no for me... (LMAO WHAT ARE THESE QUESTIONS HAHAHA) 3. Hugs or Kisses? – Hugs (a lot of guys just don’t know how to kiss...sorry not sorry) 4. Shorter or Taller? – Lmao these questions..I don’t have a preference but I would not want him to tower over me because that’s just...super intimidating and uncomfortable for me.  5. Intelligence or Attractiveness? – Intelligence DEFINITELY, but both are important. Attraction to a certain extent is important (also important to note that attraction is subjective, as each person has their own idea of who they find attractive).  6. Dancer or Scholar? – I don’t know what it is about this question that is giving me “slut-shamey” vibes but I’d say dancer...cause if he’s a man and a scholar he’s probably one of those assholes who were philosophy/sociology majors in college who’d raise their hand in class and say some bullshit like “Not to be devil’s advocate but...” At least with a male dancer he’d have an appreciation for the arts and embraces creativity (which is a big green flag for me). 7. Hook-up or relationship? – Like I mentioned before, being a slut is more fun so hook-up.  8. Funny and poor OR rich and serious? Funny and poor. Rich and serious sounds like a finance bro who’d probably just gaslight me my whole life. He probably is deep within the manosphere too...so no thanks. 9. Play the guitar or into sports? – Play the guitar. I hate sports...especially sports culture... ____________________________________ NINE LASTS: 1. Last phone call? A couple days ago 2. Last phone call you received? A couple days ago 3. Last person you hung out with? Two of my best friends 4. Last person you hugged? My mom 5. Last person you IM'ed? AGAIN WHO STILL USES IM XD. Probably a high school friends waaay back in the day.  6. Last thing you ate? a salad 7. Last thing you drank? Water (remember to drink it folks!)

8. Last site you went on? Spotify 9. Last place you were? Work (still at work...) _____________________________________ RELATIONSHIPS: 1. Are you in a committed relationship? hahahaaha, nope! 2. Do you want to be? When I’m on my period, drunk, or seeing loving couples on social media yes...but most times absolutely not.  _____________________________________ FRIENDS: 1. Do you secretly hate one of your friends? (these questions are toxic asf...being a teenager was a TIME) I could NEVER EVER EVER hate any of my friends. Pro tip...if you have a friend you secretly hate, they aren’t your friend. End the friendship because someone whose your friend should be your friend because you like them and you like being around them.  2. Do you consider all of your friends good friends? Absolutely!  3. Who knows everything about you? All my friends :) (all of them are special and lovely and they all care so much about me which I’m so grateful for). 4. Did you lie during this survey? Nope (if I did lie I wouldn’t have admitted that I like being a slut).  _____________________________________ RANDOM: 1. Who were your last 4 texts from? My friends, World Market (gotta keep up with the sales), and my healthcare provider because like I said...I’m an old ass bitch, so I got a text from my healthcare provider to remind me of my doctor’s appointment coming up lmao. 2. Where was your default picture taken? AGAIN THESE OLD ASS QUESTIONS XD. No comment because who has a default picture nowadays... 3. How old are you? 30 and thriving...ish.... 4. What is your current mood? Anxious...cause I’m at work... 5. What's your mom's middle name? Phiri 6. What color shirt are you wearing? Yellow 7. If you could go back in time and change something, would you? HAHAHA HELL YES (so many scenarios are coming up in my head...).  11. Name someone with the same birthday as you? Shit...I have no idea...lol 12. When was the last time you cried? Over the weekend while playing Genshin Impact (some of those world quests have some of the most tearjerky plots...).  13. If you could have one super power what would it be? Telekinesis. 14. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? As a pansexual person I find these questions SO OFFENSIVE now...but I’ll answer this one and then also talk about what I notice about the same sex...for the opposite sex the first thing I notice is their face...same with the same sex. 15. Favorite color? Pink or purple 16. Do you still like kiddy movies? Oh hell yeah! In fact I find some kids movies to be better than adult ones.  17. What's your favorite smell? Anything lavender or vanilla 18. Describe your life in one word? Delusional stability or organized chaos 19. What are you looking forward to the most? SEEING GHOST IN CONCERT IN AUGUST!  20. Who are you thinking about right now? Kaveh from Genshin Impact. I just finishing playing his little mini story side quest and so he’s been on my mind. Fictional men take up way to much space in my mind... 21. What should you be doing? HAHAHAHAHA...HAHAHAHA...work.... 22. Who was the last person that made you upset/angry? Lol my dad, we were having a debate and he kept talking over me... _________________________________ Where did you get the shirt you're wearing? My mom :3 Have you ever had a pet fish? Yep. Betta fish and some gold fish Does the future make you more nervous or excited? A mix of both Did you kiss or hug anyone today? Nope Do you believe that everything happens for reason? Sometimes. Do you have a best friend to lean on? Oh yeah, honestly I consider all my friends best friends :).  Are you the same person as you were at the beginning of 2009? JESUS FUCK THIS QUESIONAIRE IS THIS OLD! I mean...back then I was like what....16? So I’m definitely a different person now for sure...seeing as I’m 30.  Who's thinking about you right now? Probably my family, my boss and coworkers...probably others.  Do you wanna see somebody right now? No as I’ve been working in an office for about 7sh hours now so my social battery is fried (my coworkers are very chatty...) In the past week have you felt sad? Thankfully no.  Do you like cookies n' cream bars? The Hershey's bars? Yes to both! What eye color is the prettiest? Hazel or green eyes.  What are you going to do next? Continue working until my work hours are finished, then drive home and play the new Star Wars: Jedi Survivor on my PS5

just as i created this blog to talk about my rf5 musings, i started playing less for IRL reasons LOL -- but now that i’ve retaken it, i’d certainly like to talk more about it again!

 i might be talking about other games too, ie i downloaded dislyte..... n while i rly dig the aesthetics, i think i’m past the need of grindy games. mmorpgs still tempt me, i also got black desert online... but as soon as i go “wait, the endgame of this is gonna be repeating dungeons nonstop to improve my character, isn’t it”, my desire to play it disappears lol. someone certainly could tell me rf5 is that kind of game... improving skills, getting materials, the farming... however the plot and personal relationships make it rewarding enough to me. i don’t feel like i’m wasting my time.

anyway, let’s get to the point: i’m in the seaside lights festival rn. i think i’m keeping a save file there just so i don’t have to reset all the time on a row LOL, so far, i’ve watched eljse, cecil, martin, reinhardt, hina, lucy aaand murakumo i think!! i’m saving the best for last except eljse, whom i decided on a whim, and cecil, whom i adore even if it’s just for the lack of love he receives from the rest of the fandom. His bottle idea was really sweet, and i like that it’s connected to martin... don’t get me wrong, i don’t dislike martin, but definitely i feel like cecil is more attuned to his feelings and his surroundings and i can’t help but appreciate that.

from all of those eljse shocked me as really romantic for a non-romanceable character LOL, and reinhard was definitely the best - such a good vibe, and nice idea for drawing, too. tho i’m a diehard scarlett fan, i’ll keep a save file for reinhard, tho i might change names and gender wwww. i really want to ship him with beatrice too, but so far, beatrice doesn’t pique my interest as much.... she’s okay, i guess, but compared to some commentaries i’ve read about her on the internet, i still don’t see what’s the appeal. i guess i’m not yet in the interesting part.

and that’s that! i’d like to include photos but i’m rly lazy to post them on twitter just to have them here, i still might do it if i see anything in particular to comment on a shorter post.

Guess who’s sad again

Since people actually liked it here's the continuation of the modern Xiao camgirl!darling post I cut from the original, as promised, most if it's under a cut. Here’s the original post. I didn’t think people would actually like the camgirl concept so I thought I was rambling too much and cut this part out lol but here it is now!

Tws: derogatory language/female slurs, mentions of reader being a cheater, reader is promiscuous, murder, incel-y mentality (our modern boy would be a 4chan user, look me in the eye and tell me I'm wrong) and mentions of upsetting realistic things, this one's darker than the first part. If you're bothered by other modern stuff for being too realistic best avoid this too probably, involuntary pornography ---------- Coming up on one year since you gained your most loyal subscriber, you get a rather... Unsettling request. He has something he would like this month, in fact, he adds a few hundred to the regular amount (he's been saving up just for this) and asks for just the answer to one simple question. What's your name?

Your real name, he clarifies. He doesn't need a last name, nothing like that. It would just... Make him feel closer to you. He avoids using the term "anniversary," even though that's what comes to mind. He also doesn't tell you that he already knows, that this is just a test of your honesty. For someone who's so cautious, you would think you would think to give a fake name whenever you go to coffee shops for them to yell out, or change it on the packages you get. You hesitate. And it would be easy to give him a fake one, yet, you don't really think about it too much, you kinda think about that as an afterthought, what you should have done, but your very real name is typed out and sent before you really process it, and you feel a sort of unease, but it's already sent. No big deal. He can't do much with just your first name, right? If your name is common, you feel pretty safe, but even if it's a rarer one, surely there are other people with it, right? He's happy though. Kinda surprised, really, that you didn't lie to him. Maybe you trust him?

You're not stupid, you know something is wrong, you're becoming paranoid. And you connect the weird feeling to him, bc he goes radio silence for several days leading up to finally taking you. This dude who used to respond to any messages you sent within 10 seconds suddenly... It's like he disappeared? He hasn't responded to anything you send him ever since you said your name. You send him messages saying you haven't heard from him in a while and you're worried... The way you word it makes it sound like you're worried about him, but you both know that's not what you really mean. You're hesitant and suspicious of every guy you meet. You buy pepper spray and start carrying some around, you nearly spray a poor guy who you thought was trailing you, turns out he just lives in your building. He makes note of it. He watched you buy it, and is quick to realize you always hold it in the same hand. That must be your dominant hand, that's an important mental note for the future, since you're more likely to try to attack him with that hand. He'll remember. He has a note in his phone with information like that. Height, weight, birthday, social security number, parents' names, school she graduated from. All in little bullet points. He adds dominant hand to the list. He's not worried at all really. Already watched you struggle to carry packages he could lift with one hand, your strength doesn't cross his mind as a threat. At first he just doesn't know what to say, and that's why he stops responding, he feels too awkward but... He starts to enjoy the weird feeling of power the whole situation is giving him. You're worried, you're constantly paranoid, and it's because of him. Now you finally understand the same feeling you inflict on him, how you consume his thoughts every waking moment of every day. It used to irritate him that you held so much power over him, while he meant nothing to you. Now, the tables have turned. You're forced to have him constantly in your mind, whether you like it or not, just like you are in his. It's giving you what you deserve. It gives him a feeling of significance. He matters, even if it's not in a good way. And he keeps telling himself that once he's all you have, he'll matter even more. He's smart enough to realize that if you're paranoid, you might have mentioned him by username to someone else, so to ensure he knows what to do from this point, he has to sneak into your apartment at night as you sleep. It's so unbearably tempting, you have no idea -- you're right there and so vulnerable. He has to hold himself back because he knows that if he so much as touched you, he couldn't hold back. But it's torture, standing there so close, watching your chest rise and fall as he fiddles with the phone. Even when he unlocks it with your thumb, he tries to hold the phone from an angle to do so, even if the skin of his hand grazes yours, it would be too much. You have a lot of contacts across your messages and a bunch of different apps. You have one guy in your online chat you've exchanged far more messages with than anyone else! Hundreds upon hundreds of messages, and huge paypal cash drops, who the hell is -- oh, wait, that's him. Nevermind. But, to his pleasant surprise, he's the only one of your... customers that you regularly talk to, the rest just have a few paypal notifications or clarifications on your policies, but no actual conversations like you have with him. Of course, that's literally part of your deal, he's literally paying for it, but it makes him happy nonetheless. But as he goes through your personal messages, he finds that you are... in no shortage of options. Like, holy shit. It was kind of expected. You *are* really pretty, that's how you have so many followers after all, but this is a lot. So many contacts named some variation of "DO NOT ANSWER!!!" or "creepy guy that forced me to give him my number at the club", etc etc. Plenty of unsaved numbers texting you to never get a response. You've ghosted enough dudes to make your place haunted. It's... kinda awful, really. It also kinda hurts his heart a bit more than he expected. You have so, so, so many options, even without the cam thing, he's more insignificant than he even realized. ...Well, for now, at least. He'll be significant to you soon enough. And then you seem to have a sort of "boyfriend of the month" deal going on, aside from that. Plenty of male-name contacts whose last exchange is a "don't talk to me again!" message from you, plenty of messages corresponding to the same time as those to your girl friends about how you can't find a good guy and every relationship ends badly. How unfortunate. See, it's because you choose bad guys. You probably go for dicks and not.... well, he can't exactly pull the "nice guys like me" mentality, he doesn't delude himself into thinking he is one. He's lucid enough to realize that most nice guys would not be sneaking into your house and standing over your sleeping body to stalk your phone as they make plans to kidnap you. He knows he would probably fall under the classification of a creepy guy. He's just too far gone to care. Still, he would be so much better to you, he tells himself, not a cheater or a player like you complain about. To say he resents those kinds of guys -- ones that can do the unthinkable and actually talk to girls, let alone successfully, only to be assholes, and yet girls like you still go for them -- is an understatement. You're basically just a slut, you probably ignore all the guys that would be nice to you, just like all those internet forums he reads talk about. Typical.

Well, those forums also make fun of guys like him who pay for girls like you, but he can't blame them. It *is* kinda pathetic. There is one dude you talk to, though, now. Current boyfriend of the month, from the looks of it. You have a little heart emoji next to the name. He knows it's kinda pathetic that something so simple and insignificant sets him off, but it does, makes him pout and grind his teeth and curl his other hand into a fist. It's so unfair. Some dude you barely know gets to fuck you, and you haven't even known him nearly as long as you've known him! He doubts this dude -- hell, any of your boyfriends -- has put in the same amount of money that he has into you. They fuck you practically for free. And that, unfortunately for you, only solidifies his decision. If you're fucking some dude for a month because they buy you dinner every now and then, if we're going by that scale, then you owe him quite a good deal of pussy. Any hesitancy or guilt he had about the whole thing is gone. And he's a little mad. Keeps grumbling to himself that you're just a loose whore, fucking so many people and putting yourself out there on the internet. He wonders if they even know about what you do. Probably not, you probably don't tell them. Yeah, that sounds like what you'd do. Really, you're kinda lucky that someone like him is so willing to commit to you, since you are a slut. You don't deserve it, but he loves you anyway. And you'll probably have the nerve to be ungrateful for it too. Sigh. On the bright side, by some miracle, it would appear that you have not told any real-life people about him, you haven't sent out any hey if I disappear you should probably look into this creep type of messages. But he can't afford to have you doing so in between now and when you move in with him, so, he decides he has to act within the next 24 hours. While he's here, though, he decides to do a quick sweep of your place. Makes note of what snacks and drinks you like, what brand of toothpaste and shampoo and the like you use, so he can buy some for you. Maybe you'll adjust better if you have some of your favorite things. And then, after days of silence, he sends you a message, says it's fine, his internet went out for a few days. He means it to reassure you, but somehow it makes you feel more uneasy. He has everything planned out, or so he thinks. But you deviate from your usual schedule. When you leave work or class, you don't go home, you go somewhere else, first. How strange. Maybe picking up groceries? He follows from a distance. No, looks like you're going out to eat...? Maybe you're meeting friends or family or -- no that's a guy. Fuck. You must have planned this just earlier today, since there were no messages on your phone. It makes a bitter feeling rise in his gut. He hates that he can't get close enough to listen to your conversation. Well, he hates the whole thing, sits there and seethes the whole time. Watches you through the windows in the parking lot, thankfully you chose to sit outside. Feels his eye twitch and his hand clench every time you smile and laugh. It takes way too long. The fact that you split the bill feels like a punch to the stomach too. Shouldn't you be used to taking guys' money? Oh, and what's this...? This guy isn't the picture on boyfriend-of-the-month's contact. Well, well, well. You really are a whore. See, it's a very good thing he's taking you off the market. You're probably a reckless heartbreaker too. He's doing all the other men of the world a favor by taking on such a burden as you. And it makes him feel far more justified in keeping you locked away, since he has every reason to believe, now, that you'd run off and fuck someone else if given the chance. Halfway through, the guy briefly gets up and runs to the bathroom or something. While he's gone, he sees your face fall a bit. And then he sees you look around. You turn your head from one side to the other. Your eyes scan the area. You shuffle uncomfortably and you bite your lip and your eyebrows furrow. You're scared. You feel like -- no, you know you're being watched and it scares you. That makes him a little happy, for some reason. He wouldn't be sure what to do if you went home with the guy, but thankfully you don't. No big deal, this was just a bump in the road, he still beats you back to your building and he still goes through with the original plan. Even better, now that it's even darker outside. If anything, now he's got extra aggression and testosterone in his blood, running over the events in his head and going through some... very forceful and violent fantasies. The message he sent had you uneasy, and it's also how you immediately know what's going on when it does finally happen. You keep telling yourself you're being unnecessarily paranoid, that it's nothing, maybe that guy actually got his life together or got a girlfriend or something. Things like... What you fear, don't happen in real life, that's stuff that only happens in movies and stuff. You keep calling it that or it in your head. That won't happen to you. It's not going to happen. The series of events that play out in your head, scenarios you try to push out of your mind. Sure, in the movies it always takes place in the stairwell, but that's fiction, so you go up the apartment stairwell as always. You're not gonna let a bunch of B-grade old films scare you. And it's always some dude standing and waiting, but that nice young boy that you've never seen before is just leaning against the wall, scrolling on his phone, he only glances up for a second as you pass by, he's not a threat, you're being paranoid. You flash a smile and a little wave as you walk by, he doesn't return either, just looks back down at his phone. See? This guy doesn't even care, you're being paranoid for nothing, you tell yourself. But as you make the turn to go up the next set of stairs you hear the click of a phone being put on the lockscreen, a few metallic footsteps ringing out in the open hall and echoing, coming up right behind you, but for that split second you expect a tap on the shoulder, maybe he has a question, it's not like movies, it's not like movies, you're not gonna get a cloth shoved over your face and--- Well, it's not exactly like the movies. You were prepared, but it all happens in one motion - one hand grabs the hand with the spray and twists it, making you drop it, the other wraps some material over your mouth. You were prepared enough that you don't gasp in surprise, you hold your breath and thrash, but it doesn't make any difference, you wiggle and writhe for a few moments but can't even begin to break free, eventually succumb to the lack of oxygen and take a deep breath. It takes a few seconds to settle in, it's not so immediate. You instinctively panic and thrash again, but he has a complete iron grip. The dizziness takes a second to set in. He huffs a bit in frustration and says stop moving, it's fine. It's definitely not, but it occurs to you that that's not something a kidnapper looking for any potential vulnerable girl says. It's a poor attempt at comfort. It's someone specifically looking for you. And if that wasn't enough, he says your name. Your very real name. Maybe it was a mistake to tell him after all. But the worst part of it all is that there's not a single doubt in your mind, even in your panic you have the realization, it's definitely him and this is literally exactly what you were afraid of. And it's the last thing that goes through your head. And once he's got you out cold he just takes a sigh of relief. He may have been very neutral faced to you, but in reality he was incredibly nervous. He hasn't exactly made or used chloroform before, our boy is operating on YouTube tutorials here. He's got adrenaline pumping through his veins and carries you with his arms trembling. He's on autopilot carrying you out, but his mind is also consumed by holy fuck I'm touching her she smells so nice she's so warm her face is so close I'm actually touching her-- you get the idea. He feels bad about taping your hands and feet together and putting you in the trunk of his car, kinda. It feels too much like what a really bad person would do to a girl they didn't care about, like he's a trafficker or a murderer or a criminal or something, but that's not true at all. Sure, he's still mad at you for being a whore and all that, but it feels improper, he just has no choice. It's late at night, but he can't risk getting pulled or being at a stoplight and someone seeing an unconscious girl in his backseat, so, trunk it is. But once he's home, to his tiny little downtown apartment (he'll probably be able to move into a better place soon, since he's not paying you tons of money anymore), he takes a quick check to make sure the coast is clear, and drags you out, up the stairs, all the way into his apartment, sets you down on the bed, where you'll be staying. He even washed the sheets and cleaned the place up a bit for your arrival. You probably would not like to see what this place looked like before the five trash bags worth of cleaning was done. He'll probably be more motivated in the future, though, since now he won't be so depressed all the time. And then the adrenaline of the fear of being seen is over, and that's when it sets in that this is real. It's very, very hard to hold back. You're real, in the flesh, he can reach out and touch you with his hands! It feels like a dream. And he realizes he can take this opportunity to do things he would be far, far too embarrassed to do when you're awake. He takes a few minutes to do just that, cautiously reaches out to poke your face, and then run a hand down your neck, your skin is so soft! Your hair smells so nice, he lays down beside you and runs his fingers over it. Puts hands on your body and just lays there in awe of the fact that you're real. He's pretty certain he's never actually touched a human female before now. Everything about you feels soft. Weirdly feminine, which is something very foreign and confusing to him. And he kinda uh... Loses it. Goes buckwild with just taking in every aspect of you. Again, since you're unconscious he can be gross and entirely shameless about it. Peels your clothes off and runs his hands and mouth over every inch of flesh, takes the tape off your lips and presses his tongue into your limp mouth until he's forced to let go to breathe, fingers you and tonguefucks you and sucks on your nipples and your neck. Lays pressed against you and just breathes in your scent. It takes every ounce of self control he has not to fuck you already. But he does jerk off a few times. That way he'll last longer, so it's a win-win. And then... you twitch. Tape goes back over your mouth. And then, you twitch again. And this time, you make a little "mm!" under the tape, you start trembling and he sees you try to pull your hands apart. You whimper. It sounds scared and distressed. He feels kinda bad, but it also makes him hard, and that outweighs any guilt by far. Besides, it's what you deserve after what you did earlier. You tortured him mentally, it's only fair. On the good side of things, you suppose, you don't have to worry about the usual fears one would have over such a situation - you're fairly certain he's not going to kill you, nor sell you. In fact, the bed you wake up on is pretty soft. You're naked and the tape is uncomfortable, but... At least he was considerate enough to give you a blanket. He does care about you, after all. First thing he says is asking if you're awake. Can you hear me? You hesitate a moment, and then you nod. He's a bit new to this whole abduction thing. He wants to make sure he didn't pull a muscle or something with the tape. So... Do you hurt anywhere? Does your head hurt? Oh, right, the tape. He's not stupid either. You have to promise you're not going to scream. In fact, he's angry enough about earlier that he gets a bit meaner than he originally told himself he'd be. If you scream, I'll make you regret it. Understand? You nod, so he takes it off, holding it close in preparation in case you were lying, but you don't actually answer him, you're silent again for a minute, then just ask a question of your own. You're that guy, right? He's silent for a few seconds, there's no need for any clarification. Finally just says yeah. You just breathe again. Silently. Finally you summon the courage to ask him what he wants with you. And why are you doing this to me? And his answer is fairly simple. What do you think? You don't say anything for a minute, and neither does he. He's not good with words, and you don't really have ones for this situation. It occurs to you that offering to pay him to let you go is probably not the solution. After all, this is the guy that's dumped unimaginable amounts of money onto you, you couldn't even come close to paying him back. You figure maybe, after he gets what he wants... well, you get the courage to ask.  Is there anything... that I can do o-or... anything that will make you... are you gonna let me go, after you....? And the answer is, again, simple, but the one you did not want to hear. No. He's a blunt boy, so he doesn't beat around the bush, but he doesn't torment you by keeping anything from you. In fact, he's already rehearsed this speech a few hundred times in his head. He just wanted to make sure he's very clear so there's no misunderstanding, and while he likes some discomfort in a vengeful sort of way, he doesn't want you to be too freaked out to where you have a panic attack. He says he's just going to... keep you here. He has the things you'll need. He got your purse with your keys, so he'll even run to your apartment after this to go get some of your stuff. You don't need to tell him which number, he adds, he already knows which apartment you're in. He needs you here, he says. And he makes sure to add that it's your fault. If you were never out there selling yourself in the first place, this never would have happened. If you're good, he can make things a bit better for you. But you need to go ahead and accept that you're going to be staying and that no amount of begging or offers is going to convince him to let you go. He can be nice to you, he promises. A better boyfriend than the others. You just have to be a good girlfriend -- you know, obedient and sweet and do what he says. Just like you always were when you talked to him. Just keep being sweet like that and doing the things he tells you to do. You would argue that the terms boyfriend and girlfriend are not appropriate descriptors of the sort of relationship he's creating, but you keep that thought to yourself. Instead, you ask, How long are you going to keep me here? Which is a dumb question, since he's pretty sure he already made that clear. Forever. -----

There's a double homicide in the area. Takes place on the same night, and the same diameter of knife is used, so police believe maybe the two incidents are connected. Especially because they do have something in common, one girl. She was romantically involved with both of them. The girl in question's apartment has been vacated, very suddenly, and the girl has disappeared without a trace, taking things with her from the looks of it, so police believe she may be responsible, but other than that, they have no leads. A few weeks later, a video circulates all over the internet. Some famous camgirl finally started making porn, apparently. Just one video, but the description (which was totally written by her, it has to be since it's written in first person right?) says something about how she decided to quit camming, so this video marks the end of her career. She got into a relationship, so she says in the description, so she has to quit. It's roleplay porn, apparently, she's doing a good job at the acting. All tied up and gagged and getting fucked by some big-dicked guy holding the camera. He's silent, but she's making a ton of noise, cums several times. Really good acting, the fear and desperation in her eyes looks so real. Talk about going out with a bang. It gets a lot of likes. Tons of comments about how sad people are she's quitting. And of course, a lot of comments say, what a lucky guy.

Seeing Red | bodyguard!Bucky Barnes x actress!reader (part 8)

(part 1) (part 2) (part 3) (part 4) (part 5) (part 6) (part 7)

series summary: bucky used to brag that he didn’t have a celebrity crush, or really care about famous people at all, which is what made him the perfect person to start working for a celebrity like yourself.  except, of course, it’s just his luck that he’d fall for you.

word count: 3k

warnings: smut (semi-public sex), possessiveness (some sexual, some not), jealousy, some fluff and some angst, also some violence (including a very small amount against the reader, proceed with caution), mentions of infidelity in a previous relationship

a/n: oh y’all thought it was gonna be smooth sailing from here on out? lol

You didn’t want to abandon Bucky to do carpetside interviews, but he refused to get anywhere near a hot mic so you let him go while you walked over to a reporter you recognized; she’d been nice before, probably would be again this time, so you were a little relieved to see her tonight.

She introduced you to the camera and you were slightly spaced out until she turned to you and got your attention again.  “So, you’ve been making a lot of headlines lately for your new relationship— what’s the scoop?  How’s it going?” she asked playfully, pushing the microphone into your face.

“Uh, great,” you breamed, “he’s my date tonight and he seems to have disappeared to…” you turned around to look for him.  “Oh, he’s talking to... is that... Laurence Fishburne?”

“James, is that his name?” she prompted, making you focus your attention back on the interview.

“Um, yeah,” you nodded, the name sounding a bit foreign, “legally, but he goes mostly by his nickname Bucky.”

“Aw, that’s cute,” she smiled.  “He’s, uh…” her eyes widened a bit and you laughed.

“Yeah, he is,” you smirked.  “I assume by that facial expression you mean ‘crazy hot.’”

“I mean, in the politest way possible… yeah,” she giggled.

“Yeah, no, don’t pretend not to notice for my sake, cause, yeah, it’s… apparent.”

“Apparently he was your driver first?” she pressed.

“Yes!” you beamed, and then heard the way it sounded and backpedaled slightly.  “I promise that’s not why I hired him.  I actually didn’t meet him before he was on my team, but, I mean, I wasn’t mad to have some eye candy in the front seat.”

“Eye candy, huh?”

“But he’s so much more than that, that’s the thing,” you explained.  “We became good friends first, because he’s so smart and funny and kind and… I mean, I know he looks tough, and he is, but he’s really very sensitive underneath the slightly intimidating exterior.”

“Hard shell, soft center, sweet— he really does sound like candy!”

“Indeed,” you nodded.  “Gotta run but it was nice to chat!”

You dashed over to Bucky and clung onto his arm.  “Oh, hey, we were just talking about you,” he beamed.

“Loved you in After Midnight,” Mr. Fishburne smiled and even you were totally starstruck.

“Oh, wow, thanks, I loved you in… everything…” you trailed off, internally scolding yourself for the vague and useless compliment.  He was about to respond but was pulled away by some member of his team, giving you and Bucky a quick wave as he began a carpet-side interview.

“That was Laurence Fishburne, wasn’t it.” Bucky mumbled to you in a stunned monotone.  

“Yes, what were you doing talking to him?” you asked, amazed at his bravery to approach such a huge star.

“He came up to me, to congratulate me on… on dating you, I guess…”

“Or he mixed you up with Brad Pitt,” you shrugged.

“Yeah, if Brad Pitt lost all his money, spent a decade in the desert, went loco and buzzed all his hair off,” Bucky rolled his eyes.

“Oh come on, you look great,” you soothed him, straightening his tie.  “Wanna go take some pictures?”

“I’m a little scared,” he admitted with a shy smile.

“It’s easy, just give them that sexy brooding look you do so well.”

Bucky smirked pridefully.  “You think so?”

“Totally.  You’re a natural,” you assured.

You tugged his arm and guided him to the carpet, letting him lead the way (or look like he was leading the way) as you found a clear spot and noticed how the cameras instantly flashed faster and brighter.  Photographers called your name to get your attention, and you waved and smiled and pulled Bucky closer.  The feeling of his arm around your waist was warm and comforting, and you hoped holding you had the same effect for him.

“Where are you looking?” you asked.

“At you,” he answered.

“Bucky,” you giggled, “you’re supposed to look at the cameras!”

“I honestly can’t, it’s blinding,” he frowned.

“Here,” you sighed, pointing out into the darkness just above the sea of flashing lights.  “Look out there.”

“I can’t see anything!”

“I know, but, look as if there was something there to look at, trust me, it helps.”

You adjusted slightly a few times, turning a little to show off the low back of your dress.  You almost gasped when Bucky held your face and kissed you suddenly, but you were happy to melt into it even as you heard the cameras flash even more aggressively, some whoops and hollers coming from the crowd on and off the carpet.

He pulled back and you wanted to chase him for more but you realized it wasn’t the right time.  

“Let’s go inside,” you offered, guiding him the rest of the way down the carpet— mainly because you were afraid you’d end up jumping his bones right here in front of everyone.

He nodded and followed close by, arm resting on your shoulder the whole time, and just as you saw one of your friends and thought you might want to go over and introduce her to Bucky, you saw who she was talking to.

Sam.  

Seeing him always made your heart stop.  At first, it was because you were starstruck by him, in awe of his talent, amazed that you were going to be working with someone you admired so much.  Then it was because you had fallen for him and he had gladly swept you off your feet, bringing you into a whirlwind romance that at the time had felt like the only thing that mattered.  But since the break-up, and now, it was something else.  Fear wasn’t the word, it’s not like you were afraid of him in a literal sense, but there was this anxiety, this tenseness to seeing him.  It always brought back memories— the best and the worst, all at once.  Nights laughing together, sharing secrets, stealing glances and touches and kisses; nights spent alone staring at a phone that never rang.  Limbs tangled together between the sheets, that warm brown skin encompassing and surrounding yours; laying side by side in a bed that isn’t empty but is still plenty cold, seeing the way he angles his phone away from you and wishing you had the strength to just leave because you already knew what he was doing.  The first time you said ‘I love you.’  The first time he said ‘it won’t happen again.’

“You alright?” Bucky asked, tearing you from your thoughts.  You looked away and met Bucky’s gaze, hoping he either hadn’t seen your ex or at least hadn’t recognized him.  

“Yeah, I’m great,” you answered quickly, “let’s go get some drinks maybe?  And then I need to show you off to some people.”

“Show me off?” he scoffed.

“Yeah, why did you think I brought you here, really?” you winked.

“Hey, if we’re showing each other off, does that mean you’ll come to my next high school reunion?”

//

You’d been antsy ever since the two of you had come inside; it was obvious from the way you were clinging so much closer to him, and yet it was clear that your mind was a million miles away.

“Hey, it’s starting to wrap up, wanna head out soon?” you asked, trying to act casual, but he saw the way your eyes were darting up to where Sam Wilson was mingling and he knew it wasn’t about getting home early.  Did you really think he wouldn’t notice that you’d seen him?

“Whatever you wanna do,” he shrugged.

“Okay, could you bring the car around for me then?  And I’ll meet you outside?” you offered.  “I should say hi and bye to a few people.”

“Sure,” he agreed, starting to walk away after giving you a quick kiss on the cheek.

And he really did try to do what he said he was going to, but the further away he walked, the more he glanced back to watch you walk across the room, the harder it was to just let it go.  He knew you were going to talk to him, and before he really even decided to do anything about it he found himself circling back around the room, following you.  

He thought he’d lost you when he turned a corner and you were gone, but then he heard voices from a doorway and cracked it open slightly to see you inside with a few other people, nobody he recognized although one of them he’d definitely seen in something before.

He sighed with relief, about to turn and go get the car like he said he would, but then Sam Wilson just had to magically materialize out of thin air as he stepped up behind you and tapped your shoulder.

“Sam!” you blurted out, spinning to face him with wide eyes.

“Hey,” he greeted, acting all suave and shit, making Bucky’s blood boil.  “You look great.”

“Oh, thanks,” you mumbled, “you too.”

“You’ve been all over the internet lately, making quite the splash,” he recalled with a contemplative nod.  “You and this new boytoy you’ve got.”

“I think the word you’re looking for is boyfriend,” you corrected sternly.  

“Honey,” he scoffed as he rolled his eyes.  Bucky couldn’t decide if it was worse to hear him call you a pet name in earnest or with the derogatory tone that he currently had.  “Everybody knows you go through these guys like potato chips.  Especially when they’re not famous— how many PAs did you hook up with on your last set, huh?”

“I don’t roll like that anymore,” you denied.

“That’s not what Jake Friedman says,” Sam smirked.  It actually took Bucky a moment to remember that that was the guy you’d… entertained in the backseat of your car, or maybe it was more that he had entertained you; you seemed to tense up when Sam mentioned him, as did Bucky.  “I mean, sure, he’s not crew, but he’s not famous the way you are.  The way we are.  And neither is your new guy.  He doesn’t ‘get it’, does he?  He doesn’t get what it’s like.  Has he already started freaking out about all the hate online?”

Bucky regretted that he’d ever said anything about that; if he’d known it would come around to prove Sam Wilson right about something, he wouldn’t have done it.  “No,” you lied.

“Well, he will,” Sam assured you, stepping a little closer to you and letting his fingers languidly brush over your arm.  “I made a mistake before, letting you go.”

“Damn right,” you hissed as you pulled away from him.

“But I realized that, and now I’m wondering why we aren’t giving the people what they want.”

“That’s what I never understood about you,” you frowned.  “It’s always about other people with you.  It’s never about you, and it was never about me.”

“But it is about you,” he explained, “and me: us.  You’re forgetting how good we were together.”

You shook your head.  “I was single for years and you never called.  Now you’re all over me with all these regrets about ending it?  Get a grip, Sam.  This is about you wanting what you can’t have.”

“Can’t have?” he repeated incredulously.  “Baby,” he purred— and Bucky decided it was definitely worse to hear him call you that in earnest.  “You know you’re always gonna be mine.”

As you started to shiver, Sam’s arms slipping around your back and grabbing your waist, Bucky felt like he had lost control of his body.  He was watching himself from far away as he stormed across the room, nearly knocking a few people over on the way, and shoved Sam off of you and onto the ground.

“Bucky!” you yelped.  “Bucky, stop!”

“You’d better watch your hands, Wilson, before they get somewhere they’re not supposed to be,” Bucky growled, ignoring you completely even as you helplessly tugged at his suit.  

“Jesus,” Sam spat, “the fuck is wrong with you?”

“What are you doing?” you asked Bucky, irate and confused as you stared up at him with a furrowed brow.  He grabbed your hand and guided you out of the room and down the hall, barely managing to drag you into a random bathroom before he started tearing at your dress, leaving rough bites and kisses down your neck as you gasped and moaned softly.  

“Mine,” he mumbled against your skin, “all mine.  Did you forget?”

“No,” you sighed, “I could never…”

“That’s not what it looked like,” he sneered, hiking up your long skirt to run his fingers over your skin and expose the delicate, lacy panties you were wearing. 

“Bucky, please,” you sighed, rubbing your hips up against his leg, riding his thigh shamelessly.

“What’s got you so worked up, baby?  Is it me, or him?” he asked darkly.

“You, baby, just you, nobody else— I’m yours,” you assured him feverishly, “I’m all yours, please, I need you.”

“Yeah?” he breathed, fumbling with his belt and fly as he pulled his growing cock from his suit pants.  “You need it that bad?”

“Please,” you sobbed, “fuck me.”

He pulled your underwear aside and quickly shoved into you, groaning at the feeling of your walls stretching to welcome him.  “Fuck, angel, so tight,” he sighed, knowing how much little praises drove you crazy.

“Bucky,” you sighed, “oh my god… harder, please— n-need you deeper…”

His hips moved back only to slam back against yours, making you whimper; he smiled when he felt your leg wrap around his waist and try to hold him inside, but he couldn’t slow down now, not when he needed this so bad.

He sucked on your neck as he kept thrusting into you, your wetness coating his cock so thoroughly that he slid right home every time.  It was clear that he was hitting your g-spot from how you moaned with each thrust, your spongy channel pulsing and tightening in rhythmic patterns.

Overcome with the need to assert his, for lack of a better word, ownership over you, he found himself reaching up to hold your throat— not quite in the way to choke you, just to remind you that he could, if he wanted to.

“Did he ever make you come like this?” he asked with a gravelly whisper, lips right against your ear as he tightened his hand around your neck slightly.

“No,” you shook your head, “nobody has.”

“Nobody’s ever loved you this good but me, is that it?  Nobody else has ever fucked you like this?”

“Just you, Bucky, please don’t stop— I’m so close…”

“Do you think they can hear you out in the hallway?  Say my name when you come, princess, just in case they can— I want them to know who’s making you feel this good.”

“Bucky,” you whined, chanting it over and over with a few ‘yes’s and ‘fuck’s interspersed occasionally.  He thrusted faster and harder as he felt his own orgasm building; he needed to come inside you and claim you again, mark you as his one more time, and the flexing of your walls was only egging him on.

“I know you’re close, baby, just let go,” he whispered against your ear, “come for me, just like that, you’re doing so good— fuck, so good for me…”

You whimpered and clutched at his shoulders, a gush of wetness and a final, strong tightening of your inner muscles signaling that you’d reached your peak.  He couldn’t hold back any longer when he saw (and felt) that, groaning as he began to release thick streams of come into you.

The absolute second your afterglow began to fade, you pushed him off of you and grimaced as you adjusted your panties and dress.  "The fuck is wrong with you?"

"Wh— what?" he stammered, breathless and confused.  "What did I do?  Was I not supposed to come inside?"

You gaped at him in shock.  "Do you really not realize what you did?  Bucky, you assaulted my ex-boyfriend."

"I— he'll be fine," he dismissed, "he was putting his hands on you, what was I supposed to do, just let him do it?"

"You were supposed to let me handle it," you hissed.  "You were supposed to be pulling the car around and not spying on me!"

"Spying?!  I was protecting you."

"You shoved him hard enough to knock him over, Bucky, that's not okay."

"Hold on," he shook his head in disbelief, "so you're mad at me, when we just had sex?!  Why didn't you say something before?"

"Just cause it's hot doesn't mean it's okay," you explained, a little embarrassed.

"Tell me something," he frowned, "what is this—" he motioned to the space between the two of you— "to you?  Cause it kinda seems like I think we're boyfriend and girlfriend, and you think—"

"What?  What do I think?" you challenged.  "Go ahead, tell me."

"You think it's just a sex thing."

"Oh my god," you rolled your eyes.

"Well, what am I supposed to think when you get off on me dealing with your ex, and then tell me it's this big terrible thing?"

A sick idea clawed its way out of the back of Bucky's mind: was Sam right about her?  Was Sam right about us?

You crossed your arms and huffed, but didn't respond.

"Was everything that just happened just a fuckin' kink for you or something?  Cause I meant every goddamn word," he growled.

You sighed, like you weren't taking it seriously— like you weren't taking him seriously.  His fist tightened at his side involuntarily.  He'd never felt so used, so ignored; or, at least, he never expected it from you.  "We'll talk about this later," you dismissed quickly.  "Let's just go back there and put on a happy face, okay?"

"Oh, so you can let another guy feel you up?  Sounds like a fucking blast," he hissed.

"Fuck you," you snarled as you pushed him aside to leave the bathroom.

He didn't remember grabbing you, he didn't remember twisting your arm as he pulled you back.  He didn't remember you crying out, trying to wrench yourself away, clawing at his grip on you.  All he remembered was you looking up at him with watery eyes, expression twisted in fear.

"Bucky, you're hurting me," you whimpered weakly, and only then did he notice his metal hand was holding your wrist.  When he let go, he already saw a mark forming in the shape of his hand as you grabbed your freed wrist to rub the damaged flesh.

"I'm sorry—" he began to whisper, but you were already gone.

hi! i have a request about jean and reader that are internet friends who have never seen each other in a real life. they just chat somewhere using nicknames. one day they accidentally meet irl and jean invites reader on a date. later they text each other about this date and both feel jealous. they are just sooo confused, cause they like someone irl, then why they don't want their internet friend to find a s/o? and happy ending, please? i hope that you take good care of yourself, love u <3

omg sure! i just got heavily inspired about this, i hope you like it!! take care of yourself too, anon ! <3

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jean x reader

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jkst is online

jkst is typing...

jkst: hi

Your phone rings at this last notification. You take your phone. The world-wide used avatar chat app sound comes with another message.

jkst: that sounded awkward lol

You unlock your phone and enter the chat, reading the two new messages. You type fast, a smile on your lips.

outofcoolnames: hey, Kir.

He told you his name was Kir. The first day you met, you received a little document with all the chat rules, in where you can't share your name, your city or pictures of you. It has to be safe for everyone. On the other side of the chat, Jean chuckles. He always does when he reads your username.

outofcoolnames: yeah like it sounded as if we were having a normal conversation.

outofcoolnames: what are you doing awake so early? it isn't noon yet lol go back to sleep.

Kir never, never messaged you before noon, and he always tells you he has been sleeping, so finding his message at 10 on the morning while you're working surprised you a lot. Fortunately, there isn't a lot of people on the book shop, so you can answer him calmly.

jkst: oh, you think you're funny? us adults have to wake up early for adult things. you'll never understand, child.

You don't know exactly his age, even when it is legal to share it on the chat, but you know he's on his early twenties. You raise a brow quietly. You tip fast while a couple enters the bookshop, with a little girl on their hands.

outofcoolnames: sure, geezer. now, if you let me, i have to work because i'm an adult.

You put your phone on your pocket, getting closer to the family. "How can I help you?"

The little girl tells you that she wants a "huge, no, enormous book about fairies with some dragons and a huge festival?"

You need almost an hour to let the girl decide between all the books you showed her. She finally decided for a illustrated book full of classic tales. You give it to her mother and, thanking the family, you open the door for them. When you close, looking at all the books you have to put back in the shelves, you hear an unpleasant sound followed by a deep moan. When you look at the crystal door, you can see a tall boy rubbing his forehead, his other hand on the door. You realize you hit him.

“Oh no, sorry, sorry.” you say, opening the door. He takes his honey eyes to you, his forehead a little red and his big hand rubbing the place where he got hurt. “Come in, please.” you say. You think you have a pomade inside.

“Yes, that was what I was trying to do, actually.” he jokes. You blush, you hit him and he’s literally joking about it. 

“Please sit here.” You show him a little sofa you have for kids to read. He’s not sure his knees will enter on the little couch, so he says he doesn’t need to sit. You run to the back of the store, taking a pomade from the bathroom. “Here, put this. It should avoid a bump.” He thanks it and puts a little on his forehead. You look at him while he does it. 

He has to take his light brown fringe out of his face to rub the pomade on his forehead. His hands are big, with bony and really long fingers that end on good-cared nails. His eyes are honey like color, and he has a mullet on the back of his head. He ends applying the pomade and takes his hand back down. He offers you the other.

“Jean Kirstein. Just in case you want to pay me a coffee.” You blush. After all, you hit him. Maybe you should invite him to drink something. Your half morning break starts now, so you take his hand.

“Y/N. And, casually, I have a break now. Where do you want to take a cup?”

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Jean opened the door this time and that made you laugh. He closed behind him and searches a free table with his tall body. He walks towards one.

“Sorry, I opened it, I still have war flashbacks.” You laugh and you both ask for your drinks. “So, Y/N, you should look more at doors.” you laugh.

“I know, I know. My bad, sorry.” you say. He shows a big smile.

He’s attractive, you can’t deny it. From his marked jaw to his smooth clavicle, seen through the open buttons of his shirt. Also, he has a really cute smile. He looks around, to all the people in the café. He smiles at you.

“So, you work on a book shop?”

Jean and you keep talking while you drink your coffees. He tells you he has been working on some art pieces lately. As you could suppose, he’s a painter. 

“I wish I could live just by painting. I work on an office all afternoons.” He says. The smile on his face fades a bit when he talks about the office. You listen to him quietly, his face quietly changing when you ask him more about his paintings. The break passes fast and he decideds to give you his number.

"You know. That way you don't need to hit me on the face with a door." you laugh and blush again. Is he going to forget it?

"Please, don't tell anyone..." you ask. He nods and leaves, a huge smile on his face. You feel butterflies.

Does liking someone feel like this?

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jkst: sorry, i disappeared today. i had a date.

You let the towel fall from your head while you read the message, the other towel around your body.

outofcoolnames: oh wow, a date.

You felt uncomfortable. Kir had a date. But well, you don’t know him. He has to search someone to date, after all.

jkst: jealous? :P

outofcoolnames: nah. i also got one.

Now is Jean the one looking at his phone with frown brows. He has no shirt on and he’s lying on his bed. He sits to read that message twice. You look at the paper with Jean's telephone number. Should you call him today? maybe tomorrow? or maybe send a message to let him know your number.

outofcoolnames: i think that silence means you’re jealous :D

Jean doesn’t know why, but he is. Damn, of course he is. He shouldn’t because you’re just internet friends, you didn’t saw each other. He doesn’t know how you look, what personality you have or if you’re even on the same country as him! 

jkst is typing...

jkst is online

jkst is typing...

jkst is online

jkst - last connection, now

You look at it. Has he just left? The hell? What is wrong with this guy? You let out a sigh and change to the other app. You introduce Jean's number and search him on the list, your lip between your teeth. You find him. His profile picture is a cute selfie of himself and a little cat. You message him.

y/n: hey, i'm y/n. this is my number if you want to adress it.

His answer comes in seconds.

Jean: oh, the door friend. cool, adding you.

That way of jocking, that way of tyiping. Why does it remember you to Kir? You shake your head. It doesn't. It's just that Kir left unexpectedly.

y/n: yeah i'm sorry, i hit you with the door. should we see each other another time?

Jean: sure. why not tomorrow? when's your break?

Wow, tomorrow. The guy is fast as hell. You check the other app, but Kir isn't online. You send him a quick message.

outofcoolnames: hi?

Again, no response, no connection. You go back to the other chat quickly. You answer that your break is tomorrow at 11:30, as it was today.

Jean: i'll make the effort to wake up that early. see you tomorrow.

y/n: bye :D

You go to sleep, but you check the other app a couple times.

On the next street, lying on his bed, Jean checks it too.

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"Good morning, y/n" he says when you enter the café. You search Jean. He's playing with his phone, moving it between his hands. You take a seat in front of him. You put yours on the table, side up. He does the same and you order some coffee. As the other day, you talk casually about a lot of things.

"Jean!" you hear a boy calling him. Jean looks around and finds the owner of the voice. He's a tall man, with a bun. Holding his hand, a black-haired girl smiles at Jean.

"Wow, Eren and Mikasa, the happy married couple!" Jean looks at you. "Could you excuse me for a moment? I promise I'll be back as fast as I can." He winks at you and gets up. You take your phone from near his. You enter the app. Kir has entered before, but he didn't answer you. You sigh and type.

outofcoolnames: look, kir, i... i was joking. i really like this guy and i think he also likes me but... when i'm here... i think about you. it is dumb because i don't know you. but i do. please, come back.

When you hit the send button, Jean's phone illuminates and sounds. The same sound your app has.

Wait a damn minute. Why did his app sound when you sent the message?

It has to be a coincidence. You debate between trying again and leaving it, but one more message isn't going to be a catastrophe. You tip again.

outofcoolnames: kir?

Again, his phone illuminates and sounds. Does that mean he is Kir?

You look behind you. Jean keeps talking with the couple. He said his last name before, it was something with a K, right? K, K, K....

Kirstein. Kirstein, right? He's not called Kir. It is a part of his surname. You enter fast his user. jkst. Jean Kirstein. Jean Fucking Kirstein. You look at him again. That's why his way of texting reminds you of him. That's why you think of Kir when Jean talks. Because it's the same person.

You like Kir. You like Jean. You like the two versions of the same person. Jean comes back quickly and he sits. He takes his phone. "Oh, did it sound?" he asks. But you can only look at him. You look at his hazel eyes. The eyes you wanted to see for so long, the lips you wanted to meet. They are all there. Kir is there.

"Do you use... ChatApp?" you ask, with quite voice. Jean smiles, blushed.

"I... I do.. I've met a person there. We chat often. Their username is really cool."

"The username is literally outofcoolnames." you reply.

"Yeah, but it gives like... What?" he looks at his phone. "Did you read my messages?"

You take your phone from under the table, the chat with jkst opened.

"No. I wrote them."

Jean looks at your phone. That's his ChatApp account. That's your ChatApp account. That is your chat. His head was a mess. He liked two people. But you're both of them? Is this fortune?

"You... You don't know how much I wanted to meet you." he sighs. He admires every single detail of your face. They all are like in your descriptions. He has been so blind.

"I also wanted to meet you. But Jean appeared before Kir. I liked Kir, but I assumed he had his partner, and you looked really interested..." you whisper.

"Do you believe in destiny?" he asks. He takes his phone to the table again. You shake your head. "Then, how do you explain that I fell in love with the same person twice?" he says. "Not once. Twice. With your personality through a screen, and with you all in your book store. This are signals. We belong together." you look at him. That's Jean, but he's also Kir. Your Kir.

The boy that made you feel so much through a simple screen. The one that is smiling at you now. Looking at you with sweet and hazel eyes. He uninstalls the app in front of your asking eyes.

"We don't need this anymore. Now we are face to face. And I hope it is for a long time."