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#the harder i think about it the worse it gets
heich0e · 1 day
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"hey."
the bed beside you dips a little as touya nears, crawling under the blankets on his side, but you don't look up from the puzzle book in your hands—you're just about to finish your crossword, and your brain is already feeling sluggish as you fight the call to sleep. instead you hum, so that he knows you heard him.
"are you... have you...." he can't seem to get the words right, and grunts a bit, like he's frustrated with himself. "you worried about aoi?"
that makes you look up.
"no," you reply to him, eyes scanning over his face. "should i be?"
your three year old daughter aoi is the picture of health—or at least, as healthy as children can really be, considering they seem to be magnetic poles towards which germs naturally gravitate. she's a bit bossy, in spite of her age, and has her older brother and papa (and you for that matter) wrapped around her little fingers. but she's a good girl, mostly kind, and exceedingly bright for her age.
you don't have any reason to worry about her.
at least you don't think you do.
at your side, touya's face is lined with frustration; a furrow creasing the centre of his brow, and his lips turned down into a pensive little frown. he has a book in his hands, you notice. his thumb is stuck between the pages as if to mark his place, but you can't see the cover from the way he's holding it.
"touya?" you prod him for more information, setting your own puzzle book aside.
"she sucks her thumb," touya finally says, though he seems reluctant to share that worry with you. when he finally meets your gaze, you see anxiety swimming behind his eyes. "is that normal?"
you laugh lightly in relief, your head hanging slightly as any real fear in you retreats. "yeah, touya. that's normal."
"are you sure?" he insists, "because this book says that kids suck their thumbs to comfort themselves. why would she need comfort?" he holds up the book in his hand, and when he does, you see that it's a parenting book. you've never seen it before, so he must have bought it recently. the image of touya scouring the shelves at your local bookstore for the right title in the childrearing section is remarkably endearing to conjure to mind.
"touya, baby," you push yourself up on your side of the bed, crawling over to him. you ensconce yourself atop his lap, taking his face in your hands. you meet him nose to nose. "put the book down."
"but it says—"
"i know what it says," you don't let him finish. "and it's probably right—kids do lots of things to comfort themselves, and they do need comfort. and maybe thumb sucking well into your developmental years is even bad for you, but aoi is only three. she's still so little. it's perfectly normal for her to suck her thumb occasionally."
touya seems to soften a bit in the wake of your reassurances, but not relax entirely. he leans his face into the cup of your palm, letting you bear the weight.
"look, if it continues on for too long, or gets worse, then we'll talk to the paediatrician. and we'll talk to aoi, too—because if something is bothering her, we'll make sure she knows she can always tell us. but right now, she is just a perfectly normal, happy three year old, who just happens to enjoy sucking her thumb. okay?"
touya's eyes flutter shut, and after a quiet moment you lean forward press a kiss to the spot where a divot of frustration had earlier creased his brow.
"we're doing a good job, touya," you reassure him, brushing some strands of his soft white hair back from his tired face. "you especially."
not a perfect job, because the longer you trek along the path of parenthood, the more you've come to realize it's a fallacy. you know there's no such thing as a perfect parent. you know no one gets it right one hundred percent of the time. but there are lots of parent who are doing their best—who are trying to be better—and you know that you'd be hard-pressed to find someone who's trying harder to do just that than touya.
touya's eyes open once more. the eyes both your children inherited. the blue you named your daughter after. his gaze is soft—vulnerable in ways that once seemed impossible with the man in front of you—as he peers up at you.
"you think so?" he mumbles softly.
"i do," you answer just as gently as he'd asked, before dipping down to kiss him properly this time—not on his forehead but at the centre of his lips.
touya's hands reach for you eagerly, reciprocating your kiss with an equal enthusiasm, and the parenting book slips from his grip and goes tumbling to the floor with a thud!
both of you freeze, pulling apart from your passionate embrace until your lips rest a hairsbreadth away. your breaths are panting. your heartbeats are thundering in your chests. both of your gazes are fixed firmly on your bedroom door.
neither of you move.
"do you think it woke them up?" he whispers after a terrified moment, his tone heavy with anxiety.
"no, i think we're okay," you answer, your voice equally strained.
but still, neither of you dare to move again, still petrified in place, waiting to hear the telltale pitter patter of little feet along the floor.
after a few more tense beats of silence stretch between you in the stillness of your bedroom, a laugh bubbles up from the pit of your stomach and slips through your lips in spite of your best efforts to restrain it. poised frozen halfway up the back of your shirt, touya's hands pull you a little closer, and he chuckles quietly too. you tilt your lips down to meet his again, giggling into the kiss as touya uses his grip on you to reverse your positions and pin you down to the bed underneath him.
"try to be quieter this time," you chirp up at him breathlessly as his hands travel down your body, but you're smiling too widely for the jibe to have any real bite at all. touya rolls his eyes as he dips down into your space, his lips ghosting over yours again in an almost-but-not-quite sort of kiss.
"i'll do my best," he mumbles.
(but you already knew that.)
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twice-inamillion · 2 days
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The Company
Caught
Angst (major life event, caught lying, depression)
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Chapter 9
 2,430 Words 
(The unexpected happened. Now, Miyeon has to deal with the consequences of her actions that might impact everyone around her.)
“Come on, just one kiss.”
“I don't know, oppa. I don't want to get in trouble.”
Don't worry, no one is going to see us.”
“Okay, just one kiss.”
“See, it wasn't too bad. When do you think I can see you?”
“I don't know. The company is pretty strict, and my teammates and I are busy. I basically had to lie for them to let me out.”
“I really want to see you again.”
“Same, I miss spending time with you.”
“Click. Click.”
Unbeknownst to the couple, their little randevu will have long-lasting effects on both of them, especially Miyeon.
“Seems like someone is going to have a bad day tomorrow,” as the person across the street watches from the shop nearby.
The next day, Irene walks to her office after a long day of practice the day before. As she opens the door, she sees an envelope, picks it up, and places it on the table.
Seated, she tried to find an address but found nothing that would reveal who the sender was. She opens it and pulls out a card with a note saying, “Seems like the company doesn't know how to manage their trainees and stop them from dating.”
Irene opens the folded sheet of paper and sees a clear picture of Cho Miyeon, one of the trainees she personally manages, kissing a boy. Many things go through her mind and the last thing she needs is a scandal of the CEO’s upcoming girl group before their debut. Luckily, they haven't been confirmed, and he says, “I need to take care of this before it gets any worse.”
Meanwhile, Miyeon is running on the treadmill when she receives a message. She sees the name of Irene, her recruiter and the one in charge of her group. She thinks it's an update of her group's schedules and opens it, only to get a vague message, “Would like to meet with you in my office at 10 AM today.” Curious, she finishes her run and heads to her dorm to shower before her appointment.
“Knock, Knock. It's Miyeon.”
“Come in. Take a seat.”
“Thank you.”
“How are you adjusting to your group? Are you getting along with your members?”
“Yes, the girls and II are getting along well. We are so excited to debut.”
“Hmm… how are things going personally? Are you feeling stressed or worried?”
“Just a bit tired, but nothing more than the usual?”
“That's good. Do you have feedback or anything you want to share?”
No, the company has been great so far. I really appreciate it.”
“Are you sure?”
“Hmm, I think so.”
Irene tries to hide her irritated expression but can't comprehend why the person in front of her is lying straight to her face. “Then what about this?” as she takes over a folder and places the picture on the table.
“I don't know what this is.”
“Lies, this is you breaking one of the rules of your contract with us.”
Miyeon tries to think of what to say but can't think of any excuse and bursts into tears. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hide it. I'll break it off; I promise not to do it again.”
“That's not going to work. You broke an important rule. I don't think this is going to work between us moving forward.”
“Wait, you don't mean...”
“I'm going to ask you to get your belongings and meet me back tomorrow for off-boarding.”
“Please, don't do this, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cause any trouble. I'll make it up; I'll work harder, just give me one chance. We're so close to debuting,” says Miyeon as she cries and pleads. 
“You shouldn't hide the fact that you were dating; maybe if you told me, I could have been more lenient. Don't make this any harder, I don't want to blacklist you.”
“But... “
“Leave, I'm very disappointed in you.”
With her hands covering her face, she exits Irene's office and runs to the elevator. She puts her hood up and covers her face as she tries to exit the building and make it to her apartment. 
“Hey Miyeon! Are you done for the day?”
“Sorry, I can't talk now,” says Miyeon as she tries not to let one of her trainee friends see her crying. She speed walks all the way to her room and lays on the bed crying until she falls asleep. 
“Hey, Miyeon, wake up. You missed practice.” Slowly, she wakes up from her exhausting nap and sees Rose touching her shoulder. 
“Hey, Rosie.”
“What happened?”
“They kicked me out,” as she begins to bawl again. 
“Why? Who kicked you out? From the group?”
“No, from the company.”
“Wait, let me get the rest of the girls. Maybe we can figure something out, but don't cry.”
“Hmm, okay.”
Rose steps out and heads to the other room where Jennie, Jisoo, and Lisa are hanging out. “Miyeon is crying, she said that they kicked her out of the company!”
The members rush into the other and see Miyeon lying down, crying her eyes out. “What happened, Miyeon?” asks Lisa. 
“Irene unnie called me into her office and they were kicking me out.”
“Why?”
“Apparently, someone took a picture of me with the boy I began dating before joining.”
“Why, Miyeon? I told you to break it off. Why didn't you listen to me?” said Jisoo.
“I didn't think they would find out. I haven't seen him since joining. Yesterday was the first time seeing him.”
“What's going to happen now?” asks Rose.
“I begged Irene to give me another chance, but all she told me was that I would collect my things by tomorrow.”
“I didn't think they would risk separating us before our debut,” said Lisa.
“What do you think is going to happen with us?” asks Jisoo.
Rose, trying to change the mood, says, “Maybe we can talk to the CEO about it and explain the situation. We can say that she won't do it again and will break up with him. We need to debut.”
“I'll contact Oppa and see if he can get us in touch with the CEO,” says Jennie.
The rest of the girls nod as Jennie heads to her room and calls you. 
The phone rings, and you see that it's from your newest toy. You let the phone ring until you get multiple messages, “Oppa, please answer; it's urgent.”
“Alright, what does this girl want?” as you get your phone to call her back. 
“Oppa, you finally answer!”
“What's the urgency?”
“Miyeon got kicked out of the group by Irene!”
”What do you mean kicked out?”
”Can I meet with you?”
”I get back in an hour.”
”Okay, I'll see you at your apartment.”
You get off the phone with Jennie and immediately call for Irene to come to your office. “Irene, come to my office immediately!”
”Yes, sir!” 
It only takes a minute for you to hear Irene knock at your door before coming inside. “You need something, sir?”
”Can you explain why you kicked Miyeon off the group?”
Irene hesitates to answer, trying to figure out what to say, “I wanted to take care of things before letting you know, but since you are already aware, I’ll explain the situation. 
“Go on.”
”Well, I received proof of Mieyon breaking one of the company’s rules. She hid the fact that she was dating someone and was caught.” Irene pulls out her phone and shows you the picture of Miyeon kissing and holding hands with someone.
”Fuck…”
”I called her to my office and came to the conclusion that it would be best for her and the company to part ways, thus kicking her out of the group as well.”
”I thought you did a thorough background check with all the trainees, especially with them.”
”I thought I did, sir. If I knew, I would have done something about it beforehand.”
”What are we going to do now? The group is scheduled to debut this year, and now they have one member down.”
“I’m sorry, sir. It’s my fault, I take full responsibility.”
”You should. Maybe I should disband your group as well.”
”No, sir. Anything but that. My members have practiced so hard, you can’t do that to them.”
”These girls were going to be my first girl group, so now look at them.”
“So what would you like to do?”
”Not sure. I’ll come up with something.”
---------
Jennie receives a text message and opens it, “Don’t come to my apartment. I know the whole situation. Can’t talk about it now, but some more information will soon come to you.”
Jennie is disappointed that she couldn’t do anything and tries to comfort Miyeon when all their phones go off. Then, they grab their phones and read the following message: “All members are required to attend the emergency meeting at the conference room at 9 AM tomorrow.” They all look at each other, worried and thinking the worst. 
“Are we disbanding?”
----------
The girls arrive early to the meeting and wait for the news of their disbandment as a group. They look at the clock hung up on the wall as it approaches 9 o’clock sharp. 
They see Irene walk and open the door of the conference room, “Thank you for meeting with me today. I’ll be hosting the meeting today. Miyeon, if you could head to the CEO’s office, he would like to speak with you.
The members look at Miyeon as she stands up and exits the door to meet the CEO for the first time.
”Alright, let's start the meeting. I’m sure you all are aware of why you are here. I won’t waste anyone’s time and just let you all know that moving forward, this group will only consist of you four…”
”What? What about Miyeon?” asks Jennie.
”She will no longer be part of your group. I can’t go over more details of her situation but she’ll need to move from your apartment immediately.”
“But…”
”Let me finish.”
”Okay.”
”You five were scheduled to debut at the end of the year, but now that there are only four members, things will be a bit different. Your positions will change, and your debut date will be pushed back.”
”Wait! We were supposed to be the company’s first girl group to debut. This isn’t fair!” shouts Rose. 
“It was this or scarp the team as a whole and start over. Would you like that instead?”
“No, “ says Rose as she quiets down.
”This was something that the CEO thought was best and had minimal impact on the group.”
Irene goes on to explain more about the changes that will occur with the group. 
----------
On the other hand, Miyeon stands in front of the CEO’s office and knocks at the door. She hears a response, opens the door, and is surprised to see you sitting behind a large desk. 
“Oppa?”
”Sit down, Miyeon.”
”Okay.”
”You may know me as one of the staff members, but my true position in the company is CEO. I’m here to discuss your position in our company. You already know the details of the reason why you are here, and I won’t argue with you about it since Irene has already talked to you about it, right?”
”Yes, she did.”
”So here is what we decided to do with you. You will leave the group you are currently in and the apartment you are sharing with them. I went over your file and saw that you have a promise as an idol, so I decided not to kick you out of the company itself. Instead, I'm offering you a position as a junior assistant to Irene; of course, it would be that or leave the company itself, your choice.”
“But doesn't Irene hate me?”
“That doesn't matter. Sometimes, you need to work with people you don't like or don't like you. So what's it going to be?”
“I'll do it. Is there still a chance for me to be an idol?”
“That is up to you.”
-----------
“I know this will be a change for you all, but I hope you make the best of it. It's up to you four if you debut as a group or not. Do you understand?”
“Yes, we understand.”
“Okay, you can all leave.”
The members exited and texted Miyeon but got no reply. They head back to their apartment, and when they open the door, they see Miyeon’s things missing. 
“Let's check the room.”
They see the door slightly open, push it, and see Miyeon's side completely emptied out.
“She's gone.”
Jisoo notices a folded sheet of paper and opens it, “Look, she left something.”
“Read it it, unnie.”
“I'm sorry to leave without saying goodbye, but if I did, I don't think I would have been able to let you girls go. I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused and hope you can debut without any problems. I'll cherish all the memories we've made and will cheer for you four. 
Thank you so much,
Cho Miyeon”
--------
It’s been a few days since Miyeon left the group. The members have tried messaging her but to no avail. They continue their practice, but this time, as a four-member group, they try their best not to listen to any of the rumors that the other trainees in the company spread behind their backs. 
Miyeon wakes up early in the morning and prepares for her first day as junior assistant to Irene. She wears a semi-business casual outfit and makes her way to the office. 
“Good morning, Irene.”
”Miyeon.”
”What would you like me to do?”
”Read this,” as Irene tossed a manual onto the desk. “Make sure to get yourself familiarized. We don’t want another incident, right?”
”No, ma’am.”
”Good, because I will make sure there are no second chances. Now, get to reading.”
Miyeon spends more of the day reviewing the material for her new position within the company. The concept of having time for friends or even a boyfriend is now a faraway dream. Her goal now is to do her best with the second change you gave her. 
Miyeon looks outside the office window and sees her former members walking together; all she can do now is cherish the beautiful memories she made with them, her sisters. 
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May I ask for another small fic thing? Specifically with Dusty the Deathclaw thinking of himself as Reader’s baby, mentally and physically. As in, he’ll want to cuddle up to them even when they can no longer sprawl across their lap like they used to cause he’s freaking MASSIVE. So either Cooper or Hancock find the Reader squished under Dusty, who’s just lying there content😂 Meanwhile the reader is asking them for help as they have to use the bathroom and lost feeling in their legs🤣
brought to you by these images
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Dear Hearts and Gentle People 15
Art is by @endivinity
Masterlist
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The older Dusty got, the bigger he grew, but that didn't mean that his mentally grew with him. He still considered you to be his human, his mother in all accounts but species. As a baby, you would cuddle him close in your lap, petting his growing horns and scratching his itchy chin. You were everything to the deathclaw. So it only made sense to him that he could continue to cuddle his mother still, even if he stood at a whopping ten foot tall, eleven if you counted his curved horns.
You sit on the pavement outside of Boston, enjoying the meager sunlight that shines through the thick, overcast sky. Dusty has his head in your lap, a rumbling purr echoing in the air from the beast as he shifts forward. The blunt curve of his horns presses into your chest, and you fall back with a grunt. Dusty takes his opportunity to shift even more of his weight on top of his mother, his purr so loud that it makes your ears ring.
"D-Dusty, please," you croak under the deathclaw. You had already needed to pee, and his weight made the situation a thousand times worse.
Cooper, who had wondered off to explore the nearby buildings, ambled back up the road, a whistle on his lips as he kicked a rock up the hill. When he gets to the top, he glances around, expecting to see you where he'd left you last. The ghoul frowned and glared down at Dusty, who looked far too innocent for his own good.
"Where'd she go?" Cooper demands, and Dusty just rumbles deep in his throat. He takes in the situation, and a slow smirk works its way onto his lips when he spots your shoes sticking out just under the beast.
Dusty watches Cooper waltz around him and then stares down at his mother from where she lays under him. A low whuffing sound escapes him, and his nose flairs. He wasn't about to move for him.
"Looks like you've got yourself in a pickle there, chief," Cooper drawls, and you glare up at the Ghoul. You grunt as you shove at Dusty, but the creature just whines and shifts so that he covers you even more, upset that you were trying to leave him.
"Nah, I'm fine," you sneer and collapse with a defeated huff, "I love having seven hundred pounds of muscle crush me."
"Guess you don't need my help then, huh?" Cooper quips and goes to walk away, his spurs jingling, only to stop when you call his name, tone pitiful and he turns around to see you giving him puppy dog eyes.
"Coop, please get him off of me?" You plead, "I've gotta pee, and my feet are asleep."
The ghoul gives you a once over and then looks at Dusty and just how comfortable the beast looks. The deathclaw coos down at you, and you grimace when a long tongue licks up the side of your face. You catch Cooper's grin and glare even harder, "Don't you dare."
"I think ol' Dusty is too comfortable for me to try and move him, Sweetheart," Coop snickers and turns on his heel again. You'd be just fine without him. Not a soul would touch you with Dusty there.
"I'll come back later to get ya, baby."
Cooper lopes away with the sound of a happy deathclaw and an outraged smoothskin echoing in his ears. Today'd been a good day.
*sorry it's a little short @odditycircus-2002, but I hope you liked it! ❤️
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Emily x Reader after Reader has a sh relapse, Emily patches and her up and assures her she's still beautiful by slow, gentle, loving sex and lots of cuddling please?
You got it, anon! Thanks for the request! :) Hope you like it!
Burning
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Emily Prentiss x fem!reader Warnings: 18+ Minors DNI, NSFW, self-harm, depression, mental illness, sex, fingering, etc., injuries due to self-harm, brief mentions of an eating disorder, some explicit language (please let me know if I've missed anything!) Word Count: 2.3k
Summary: With Emily away on a case and a depressive episode hitting you hard, you fall back into a pattern you thought you'd kicked a long time ago. When she comes home and discovers what you've done, you're afraid it'll be too much for her. Emily does her best to show you that it's not.
You’d been standing in front of the bathroom mirror for what felt like hours, but was probably mere minutes. Time warped itself when the urges took hold, every second a lifetime of effort, until it became all the potential lives you might live stacked one on top of the other, and they were too heavy for you to carry.
The hand that held the unlit match was shaking, and you seesawed between the unbearable desire to scratch a painful itch and the knowledge that self-hatred that would flood you afterward. But at least the self-hatred and the pain would be something to feel, other than the abject hopelessness that had seemed to swallow you up over the last week.
You’d known a depressive episode was coming before Emily left. You could always feel them coming. But what were you supposed to say? Don’t go save people from a terrorist cell? Stay here with me because I’m scared I’m getting depressed and I need you? It’d be pathetic. You were pathetic. And it wasn’t Emily’s job to keep your mental illness at bay.
But she’d been gone longer than you expected–over a week now. And your depressive episode had hit you harder than you thought it would. You’d called out of work, you’d binged on food delivery, then hated yourself afterward, staring into the mirror feeling lower and lower and lower. Until the only way you could think to stop sinking was to shock yourself out of it.
You knew it wasn’t wise or healthy. You knew you’d feel even worse once the pain subsided. You knew that a relapse would make it that much harder to stop next time. You knew that if Emily was here, she would stop you, she would hide the matches and the lighters, she would be so, so sad that you’d even thought about hurting yourself.
But despite knowing all these things, the hunger for fire, for pain, was too much to resist. You scratched the head of the match against the matchbox and the flame leapt into existence. Your go-to spot in young adulthood had been your arms, but the burns wouldn't fade before Emily got back, and she’d notice them on your arms. This time, you held the match to the upper side of your abdomen, where your arms would hopefully hide the marks.
You scrunched your eyebrows and winced as the flame licked at your skin, the pain white and bright and hot. You wished you could explain to people that odd, addictive mixture of self-loathing and dopamine that hit you and made you feel simultaneously worse and better. You wished people understood the desire for it, that sometimes you wanted to feel worse because feeling worse made you feel better. But it was hard to explain. Even harder to understand. So you didn’t bother most of the time. You lit match after match until the box was empty, until your side was scattered with raised, red-white blotches, like a constellation of all the shitty things you’d ever been through or felt.
You looked at yourself in the mirror and hated what you saw. And it felt good to hate yourself, like a guilty pleasure.
You jumped at the sound of the apartment door opening and closing, and cold panic flooded your system.
“Hey, baby, I’m home!” Emily called from the entryway.
You quickly pulled a loose t-shirt over your head, wincing as the fabric brushed over the burns. She wasn’t supposed to be home yet. She hadn’t texted or called. She’ll hate me, you thought. She’ll hate me if she finds out.
Of course, Emily knew you struggled with self-harm. But you’d been in a really good spot when you’d started dating and had, for the most part, stayed in that really good spot for your entire relationship. You were in therapy. You had healthy coping mechanisms. You hadn’t relapsed in years. You didn’t know what had made today different from every other bad day in the last few years, but you knew you didn’t want Emily to know.
You silently cursed yourself for using all the matches; there were none left to light a candle in the bathroom to mask the scent of burning. You ran to meet her in the living room, hoping that by heading her off, the smell would have time to dissipate.
“Hi, honey,” you greeted her, forcing a smile. You took both her hands in yours to try and prevent her touching your side, which still felt as if it was on fire. You stood on tiptoes to kiss her, and she smiled, leaning in.
“I missed you,” she breathed, wrapping her arms around you. You flinched and inhaled sharply as her fingers grazed the burns.
She furrowed her eyebrows. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” you nodded, avoiding her eyes. “I just, um… fell earlier.”
Her hands fluttered over you, a worried expression on her face. “You fell!? Where!? Like, how hard?”
“Not that hard,” you said, trying to squirm away. “It doesn’t hurt too bad. Ow!” Emily had placed a gentle hand at your side and you couldn’t help your outburst.
“Well, honey, if it hurts that bad, you need to let me see it. We might need to go to the ER or something.”
You knew you were done for when she grabbed your wrist, hard. Emily was much stronger than you, so instead of fighting, you went numb.
You felt your whole world stop as she lifted up your shirt to see the scattered burns. You felt tears prick at your eyes. There were too many marks, and they were too symmetrical to have been an accident. You knew it, and Emily knew it, too.
You couldn’t bring yourself to look at her, but if you did, you would have seen that her eyes were wet with tears she wasn’t going to let herself cry because you needed someone strong right now. If you’d looked at her, you would have seen a mixture of sadness and pity and heartbreak and undying love. You’d have seen the face of someone who wanted nothing more than for you to be okay.
“Y/N,” Emily managed after a moment. “Did you do this to yourself?”
You nodded, a tear rolling down your cheek.
“Today?”
You nodded again.
“How long ago?”
You looked at the ceiling, willing yourself not to cry. “Right before you walked in.”
You hated yourself. You hated yourself even more because you knew that Emily would feel awful. She’d think that if she’d just been a few minutes earlier, she could have prevented this. And you never wanted Emily to feel like your mental illness was her fault or her responsibility.
“Come here,” she said, gently taking your hand and guiding you to the bathroom. She turned on the shower, making sure the water was cool but not cold, then slowly pulled your clothes off. She nodded toward the shower and you got in, shivering under the chilly stream.
Emily sighed and sat down on the toilet lid, watching you. She looked tired, so tired. You hated to be another thing that exhausted her, another thing she had to take care of and fix.
“You should sit down,” she added quietly. “You’re gonna have to be in there for a while. Until they stop burning.”
You sat on the tiled floor, the water leaching the pain away from the burn marks, leaving only disgust and self-loathing in their place. You pulled your knees up to your chest and buried your face, trying and failing not to cry.
Your shoulders shook with the force of your sobs. You heard Emily stand and were sure she was going to leave. Why wouldn’t she? She deserved to. She deserved not to have to deal with you.
You jumped a little as Emily lowered herself into the shower next to you, clothes abandoned on the bathroom floor, and wrapped her arm around your shoulder. She pressed her face into yours as the shower drenched you both.
“Shh,” she soothed, careful to avoid your burns. “It’s okay. I’m here.”
“I’m sorry, Em,” you wept, rocking. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay,” she repeated. “You don’t need to be sorry. I love you. You’re gonna be okay.”
“I hate myself,” you whispered.
Emily gently grabbed your face and tilted it toward her. There were tears in her eyes, too. “Baby, please don’t say that.”
“I can’t help it.” Your voice was so quiet, so small, the sound of the shower almost drowned it out.
“That’s okay,” Emily said, brushing strands of wet hair out of your face. “We’re gonna get you some help, okay?”
You looked in her eyes then for the first time since she’d discovered the burn marks. You didn’t know what you’d expected to see: annoyance, disgust, hatred, or worst of all, ambivalence. But there was none of that in Emily’s eyes. Only love and concern.
Even so, you were scared to ask what you needed to ask. “Do you still love me?”
“Oh, honey, of course I do. I could never stop loving you.”
And then you kissed her. You kissed her with the cool water pouring down around your bodies. With your skin hot from the burns and from your aching love for Emily. You kissed her desperately, hungrily, like someone clinging to a lifeboat, and Emily was. She was your lifeboat. And for Emily’s part, she was gentle, almost too gentle, as if you might break at any moment.
You wrapped your legs and arms around her and she held you so carefully, so mindful of your burns. You shuddered in the cool water as your hips pushed against her.
Emily moaned into your mouth, her hands faltering for a moment.
“Y/N,” she said breathlessly, pulling away to hold your face in her hands. “We don’t have to do this." She looked at you a moment longer, then added, "I love you.”
You kissed her again. Her mouth. Her forehead. Her collarbone. Emily’s chest heaved into you and your heart beat rapidly.
“Please,” you begged. “Show me.”
Emily pulled you into her, letting her tongue and her lips roam over your neck, letting her hips meet yours as the water surrounded you, soothing your burns the way Emily soothed the roiling, burning despair inside of you.
“I love you,” she whispered as she kissed your eyelids. “I love you,” she whispered as she pressed her hands into the soft flesh of your ass. “I love you,” she whispered as she slipped her fingers inside of you. You bit back a moan and trembled against her, your body pulsing around her.
She fucked you slowly, tenderly, as if it was both your first time and your last, though this was neither. And she kept saying it–“I love you”–again and again, never stopping, so that all the darkness in your mind, all the self-doubt, didn’t have any room to make itself heard.
You let out a strangled groan as your body tensed around her, and when your pleasure flooded you, it was like you were on fire. And this fire was so much better, louder, brighter, than any flame you’d ever held to your body. It was a burning that consumed you, one that would leave you new and glistening afterward instead of scarred and in ashes.
You fell limp against her as she removed her fingers, kissing your forehead, your collarbone, your mouth, swirling her tongue with yours until you felt drunk on her. “I love you,” she said, and you didn’t think you’d ever get tired of hearing it. “I love you.”
You were quiet as she turned off the shower head. Quiet as you both dried off, as Emily gently pressed a towel to your side, making sure your burns were clean and dry. She sat you on the toilet lid as she pulled gauze squares and antibacterial ointment out of the bathroom cabinet, spreading the ointment on the gauze, then pressing it gently to your skin.
“Lift your arms up,” she said quietly, as she circled your body with bandages, wrapping it just tight enough that it wouldn’t shift in the night.
She knelt down in front of you and caressed your face. “Bed?” she asked. You nodded.
“You go ahead,” she said, patting your leg. “I’ll be right there.”
You felt self-doubt start creeping back in as you laid in bed on top of the covers, your burns still too hot to sleep underneath. When Emily came into the room, she carried a glass of water and a bottle of pills.
“Take these,” she told you, handing you a few. You drank and swallowed obediently.
She lay down in the bed and motioned you over. “Come here and let me hold you.”
You rested your face in the crook of her neck, and she played with your hair, careful to avoid your burns.
“I love you,” she whispered after a few minutes, kissing the top of your head.
“You said.” You meant it to be funny, but your heart wasn’t in it. Not yet.
“And I’ll keep saying it until you believe it.”
You were quiet for a minute, then spoke. “I love you, too, Em.” You nuzzled your way closer to her, hoping against hope that her arms around you were enough to keep the darkness and the numbness away for the night.,
And as you drifted off, she kept saying it–“I love you.” And then a kiss on your head.
As your eyelids fluttered closed–“I love you.” And she pressed her face to your forehead.
As your breath slowed and evened, and your body went limp–“I love you. I love you. I love you.”
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torialefay · 3 days
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Channie........
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NO NO NO NO NO oh god i wish i never saw this. fuck. this is all i'm gonna be able to think about for the next 24 hours 😭😭😭
like imagine this man just comes and ties you up and overstims you until you can't do anything but cry.
"look at my little baby, crying so good for me, yeah?"
"does it feel that good? tell me how good it feels."
"i don't give a fuck. you can go one more round."
"my little crybaby. crying so loud, it must feel too good, huh?"
"use your words or it's gonna get worse."
"you look so pretty like this. makes me wanna go even harder."
"that's right baby. you can take it. you better fucking take it."
"i'm not stopping until you beg."
literally SPIT ON ME CHRISTOPHER. FUCK.
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silverflqmes · 1 day
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Any HCs for Sephiroth with an s/o that's afraid of thunder? 👀💖
໒⦂ 𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐏𝐇𝐎𝐁𝐈𝐀 𝐇𝐂𝐒.
notes. hi hi, i did my best to compile some headcanons, personally i think sephiroth might also be scared himself, so a little comfort will go his way too :’)
genre. hurt + comfort
sephiroth x gn!reader.
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⌗ the fear of thunder and lightning, otherwise known as astraphobia, is commonly shared among most and completely understandable to sephiroth whenever you find it in yourself to tell him.. unless you give yourself away on accident.
⌗ i feel that due to his enhanced senses and of all the bullshit hojo put him through, he might have developed a sensitivity to loud noises and flashes — but he has learnt to grit his teeth and bear it.
⌗ on some nights it can be a little harder for him, but he feels at ease if you are around and does his best to protect you since you are suffering from the same — if not, worse.
⌗ if you take it upon yourself to speak up about your fear, rest assured, it’s a judgment free zone. sephiroth neither has the place to judge, nor does he shun you for it because he understands it well and wishes to do all that he can to help you through your fear.
⌗ if you have difficulty telling him, trust me with how observant he is, he’s likely to put the pieces together pretty easily. but even still, he will wait until you are ready to tell him.
⌗ but if a thunderstorm comes and you have failed to do, he will take matters into his own hands and at the minute he catches wind of your discomfort.
⌗ it could be a flinch, the tiniest whimper, you ducking to cover your ears or a haphazard excuse to leave the room — but sephiroth will know.
⌗ he would give you a moment if you left the room, but when he doesn’t see you return, he will approach and either join you wherever you are hiding, no matter how small the space is ( this man will cram himself in there like a cat don’t underestimate him ), or pull you into his hold for you to hide in his chest while he soothes your shaking body with his touch.
⌗ from the day he discovered your fear, he would regularly check the weather, making sure to be home whenever a thunderstorm would take place to comfort you through it.
⌗ if he’s away or cannot be home on time from either a mission or meeting, he’s got you on speed dial and keeps you on call for however long you need.
⌗ if he cannot call you at all because fuck shinra sometimes ( all the time ), he took it upon himself to buy you one of those weighted anxiety plushies — or even a normal plush for you to cuddle to feel safe. personally i’m uh.. thinking a gray kitty with cerulean colored eyes to remind you of him :’) so that you feel like he’s still there in a sense.
⌗ another thing is maybe audio recordings of him ( probably just random stuff about his day and sweet nothings ) for you to listen to if you need to hear his voice in the case again, that he cannot be there or phone you.
⌗ throughout a thunderstorm, he would do his best to take your mind off it and make it a little more bearable if at all possible.
⌗ me personally, i like rain but i’m no good with thunderstorms that come with strong winds — the sounds give me a bit of ptsd, especially if i’m on my own. but i try to do things to take my mind off it, which i will list through sephiroth<3
⌗ thunder is a sound which can be solved by playing something over it. whether it’s a show, movie or music, even conversation — you bet your boyfriend is providing whatever he can to mask the unpleasant noises outside.
⌗ rainy days can be nice to get all bundled up in blankets with tea, hot coco or coffee — any warm beverage that you personally enjoy, and sephiroth is willing to use that as a way of making the storm a little easier to handle. pairing the experience with a good book or poetry is also nice — certainly if he offers to read to you. goodness his voice is so nice..
⌗ furthermore he has the curtains pulled in your shared apartment if you find it easier not to see what’s happening outside and he takes it upon himself to make homemade soup for dinner<3
⌗ when the storm drags into the evening, he takes you into his arms and holds you as tight as he possibly can, shielding you from the world beyond his windows.
⌗ even as you tremble and tears prickle at the corners of your eyes, you can hear sephiroth humming, the gentle and steady pitter patter of his heartbeat as he smooths a hand down your back. gradually, it relaxes you and your eyes begin to get heavy.
⌗ you hold on tight to your beloved, allowing his protective hold to envelope you wholly as you at last give into sleep, aware that he would keep you safe throughout the evening and remainder of the thunderstorm.
⌗ bonus for sephiroth.. on the rare occasions that his own fear gets the better of him, you do your best to muster whatever courage you can throw together and hold him closely.
⌗ you card your fingers through his silky hair, allowing him to bury his face in either your neck, shoulder, chest — wherever he feels most comfortable — as you rub his back as tenderly as possible, vowing to be there through the very end as he has with your moments of fear.
notes. i may have gotten a little too detailed and indulged a little more than i should have.. but i’m hoping it’s to your likings, tysm for requesting again<3
↳ return to main masterlist . request rules . send an ask
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theladyyavilee · 10 hours
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we were running out through the storm (through the night)
Or the one where Buck almost kissed Eddie at Chimney's bachelor party and Tommy was there to witness it.
read on AO3
„You almost kissed Eddie last night.” There is no trace of accusation in Tommy’s voice and somehow the words still hit Buck like a slap to the face. The hospital staircase is empty and quiet now in the middle of the night, the bright artificial light giving the moment a surreal quality, and somehow, with everything that happened after, Buck did not see this conversation coming.
(The fear and worry of the last 15 or so hours made it so easy to push the memory down and away, something for future Buck to deal with.
Something for future Buck to figure out how to fix, maybe.)
It’s only been maybe an hour since Buck watched Maddie fall asleep curled into Chimney’s side on his hospital bed, her and Chimney’s hands with their matching gold bands interlocked right over Chimney’s heart and with Chimney looking down at her like he was unable to look away. Clearly feeling like the luckiest man in the world, no matter all the horrors he had to walk through to get here to this moment.
(Only maybe an hour since Buck caught himself thinking this is love, this is what love is supposed to be.
Only maybe an hour since Buck caught himself glancing over at Eddie – curled up in one of the horrible hospital chairs and looking smaller than he should, deeply asleep and with an equally conked out Chris leaning into his shoulder – first, instead of searching out his boyfriend’s eyes and the guilt flooded back into him.)
Looking back he knows there was something in Tommy's eyes when he helped Chimney out of the helicopter and found Buck’s eyes over Maddie’s head as she rushed towards them. A slight hesitation when Buck kissed him in front of everyone that Buck thought was just surprise at the public display in front of Buck’s parents. A flicker of sadness on his face when they swayed to the soft sounds of Islands In the Stream from Hen's phone loudspeaker in Chim's hospital room, before Tommy pulled him close enough to hide his face against the side of Buck's.
But Tommy wasn’t supposed to know, not yet, not until Buck figure out how to tell him.
Because that had never been in question, only the when and how.
Only apparently Tommy already knows.
And Buck feels like there suddenly isn’t enough air in the room to form words.
“I—I didn’t—I didn’t though, Tommy, you have to know I—”
“I know, hey, Evan, I know,” Tommy reassures and his voice is so gentle it makes something ache deep inside Buck’s chest. Maybe this would be easier if Tommy was angry. “I saw your face right after, I know you wouldn’t have done it knowingly, but for a moment there I don’t think you remembered.”
everything else, is—has been—stuck in that space between one breath and the next, flipping through every single visceral snapshot memory impression.
How he had felt terrifyingly sober for just that one moment, before letting himself fall even harder into drunkenness to forget.
That lightning strike realization when he caught on to what he was about to do, when he realized that for a second he had completely forgotten where he was and that he had a boyfriend.
(It had been so different from when he kissed Lucy, because then he had remembered Taylor for every single second of it and kissed Lucy anyways and he’s not sure if that was worse or this is.)
The fact that apparently Tommy was right there and saw that moment play out over Buck’s face? Yeah, that is definitely worse, even if Buck was immediately disgusted at himself.
Because he still almost did it and Tommy saw that too.
read the rest on AO3
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animequeen4 · 2 days
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Adam x reader
story take place in the garden of Eden (just wanted to try something)
Here @mamamim thanks for the encouragement to write this please enjoy
Yn pov:
I didn’t know what to do anymore
I was originally made to be a companion for the Angel Lucifer as a way to keep him distracted from the humans as heaven has notice he had been spending too much time with the humans getting in the way of them of what their supposed to do. But sadly it did not work and Lucifer and Lilith had fell I love running away leaving me without a purpose making me feel empty inside. I go to one of the trees in the garden and proceeded to try silently. As I am crying I do not hear the sound of someone coming. When I come to, I noticed the human Adam looking at me annoyed until he saw my face.
Adam was not exactly happy to see another Angel considering one just recently stole his wife. but upone seeing the female Angel he feels pity for her. “what is wrong with you?”
“Oh I’m sorry I thought you were on the east side of the garden I’ll go if I’m bothering you” I start to feel even worse knowing that someone saw me at this sad and pitiful state blushing profusely and about to fly off
“wait!… You don’t have to go we can just sit here if you want”
“Um sure I guess it’s better than being alone” sits back down
after that moment be become closer and even become friends. It was a bit awkward after Eve was created but we still made it work and even after he was kicked out of Eden I keep and eye out on him
when he finally made it into heaven we became even closer and somewhere along the way we fell in love next thing I know I made his 3rd and final wife. Things only got better when we found out I some how got pregnant. Adam says it’s because of his “angelic sperm” but we honestly don’t know 😖 either way we are excited and happy and all though it still hurts to think about luci leaving me in heartbreak I wouldn’t change it any way if it meant I didn’t meet Adam and get our happy ending
one day Adam says he wants me to come with him that he wanted me to come with him to a meeting even though it’s in hell and I was 7 months pregnant. he said it was just a simple meeting with Lucifer and his daughter it would be quick and lute couldn’t go with him since she had the day off and he couldn’t get in contact with her and he trusted me. After much discussion and him promising to get me some pickles and ice cream, to carry me there because flying has become a lot harder due to the extra weight and soreness, and him promising to stop complaining about my weird pregnancy cravings and to give me a massage and cuddles later I agreed to go (let’s just say I used this to my advantage a lot)
We got to the meeting room early and waited to meet the father and daughter duo. Charlie can first and came up to shake our hand's and when she saw the baby bump she immediately had start eyes. She even asked to if she can feel the baby bump but backed off upon seeing Adam’s annoyed face not long after she took her seat Lucifer came in
Lucifer pov:
As I was a bit late getting ready for the meeting so as I was getting ready i a got text from Charlie saying she is with Adam and some women who sounded familiar.
upon thinking I realized it was yn, the girl I left all those years ago. I still feel bad about it but I was in love with Lilith and was thrown out of heaven. What no one know was that I did have some feeling for her but I was in love with Lilith.
upon walking into the meeting room I am meet with my sweet Charlie, unfortunately Adam and yn. Granted she looked a little different now but she was still just as beautiful as when I was still in heaven.
After a bit of talking we are finally done and I decided to talk with her a bit unfortunately though we couldn’t really get close to each other due to us sitting on different side of the take. But as I was hoping she was still the same beautiful girl I remember.
yn pov:
As we are finishing me and Adam get up too leave and upon getting up Lucifer screams out “what the what?!?!”
“what?” “you’re pregnant?!?!” “Yes I am, 7 months to be exact” I smile fondly and start caressing my baby bump
“Oh that’s great! 😃 Amazing even! Who’s the lucky guy?” He asks all nervously
Adam then proceeds to come closer and hug me from behind picks me up and Carry me while making a smug face
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“Yup I did that”
“WHAT?!?!” Both Charlie and Lucifer asks surprised but Lucifer says especially
“Yes me and Adam are married and he is the father” I say trying not to act flustered and shows them the wedding ring on my finger
“Wow this is wow I did not expect Adam to want any more children. But I am happy for you” Lucifer says with a little sadness behind his tone
“Thank you and it was nice seeing you Lucifer”
as Adam turns around to walk through the portal still carrying me he looks behind him one last time giving Lucifer a smug smile knowing he now is the one with a loving wife and being loved while luci now know what abandonment he and his wife felt life.
okay this took a while but here it is please be nice this is my first original writing piece thank you hope you all enjoy
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matchakuracat · 1 day
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you know how some autistic people say that life feels like everyone got a manual on how to live except them? i also feel like that but being physically disabled on top of everything else makes it even harder. it's like i have to do all of these things that most people don't have to do and i have no idea how to do them. and i can't ask anyone else about it either because they also don't know. like if i have to go to the dentist for a check up and i need to be prepared on what to do(not the best example but i cant think of a better one right now), i can just ask my mom how to do it because that's something almost everyone does and knows how to do. but who can i ask how to advocate for myself on how to get a mobility aid when im meeting a physiotherapist or a doctor, when i also struggle to speak because of being autistic? i know i can ask other disabled people on the internet for advice which im very thankful for but sometimes my situation is a bit more specific since i also live in a small town in sweden and it's not the same everywhere else in the world.
idk im just so frustrated and anxious and it seems like everytime i try to get help from healthcare they dont want to help me and it just makes my anxiety worse. i literally just want to be able to walk more and be in less pain, is that really so difficult to achieve?
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art-student-rants · 1 month
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i can’t sleep because i’m thinking too much about politics. i need to go on a long fucking rant about politics. people need to be SCARED about this upcoming US presidential election and by people i mean everyone in the US as well as people in every country that’s involved in NATO.
i don’t want to politicspost on here but oh my fucking god. i really REALLY REALLY hope people are aware of how dangerous politics are right now. keep your eyes WIDE open. everyone is being fed propaganda and it’s so so so so important that you stay aware.
be politically literate. if you have a phone/computer/library accessible to you, YOU CAN WATCH THE NEWS. you can read the news. you can listen to the news. please please please.
and vote. if you can, vote. tell people to vote. i can’t stress enough how important this is. we cannot let this happen again because this keeps getting more dangerous and i don’t think people are even aware of how dangerous it is. i’m not going to get into specifics right now because it’s late and i’m tired and i’m gonna start crying if i start thinking about it too hard, but this is so so important.
please stay informed.
xx
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astraltrickster · 3 months
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I find it genuinely fascinating and disturbing alike how the stereotype of autism, at least in many left-leaning spaces, has shifted in recent years from being a tragic, isolating white boys' disease, that tears families apart and is truly a fate worse than death for the sufferer, to a frivolous and #aesthetic white GIRLS' quirk that never has any ACTUALLY detrimental effects, not even any social difficulties, all these girls on TikTok can mask well and talk Normally and only flap cutely so what's YOUR excuse?
We spent maybe 5 figurative minutes talking about how autism mommy culture is abusively ableist in the way it simultaneously bends over backward to avoid teaching autistic kids - ESPECIALLY autistic boys - any meaningful coping skills, writing the whole concept off as just truly impossible (it's just the nature of The Autism Winning, these poor poor children are just tragically locked in their own heads, and if they're boys, well, Boys Will Be Boys, there's certainly nothing to be done for the meltdowns, stress reduction and clearer communication is a hopeless endeavor, he's just Acting Out completely arbitrarily, no I haven't actually TRIED I don't need to I Just Know), but simultaneously demands that kids learn these skills on their own because their parents just refuse to communicate with them on their own terms - then the fidget spinner trend happened, we got a whole stim toy industry, it blended with influencer and wannabe-influencer culture, and now...we just have a whole new stereotype that's no better; what it reduces in potential as eugenics propaganda, it makes up for in denial of support needs and misogynistic overtones.
In short, I fucking hate it.
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lorephobic · 18 days
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this is the funniest thing that sits and rots in my drafts because its been four months atp and i still have not thought of a single headcanon for these two
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queerbauten · 3 months
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There's this single-issue anti-abortion party in my province that's been putting up billboards recently about their website, which does feature images of "aborted" fetuses, and the worst part, to me, is knowing that at least some of those "abortions"—you know, the 20+ weeks ones—were probably stillbirths (or even live preemies) that the parent(s) didn't want to lose, and that these people are just... lying. They're lying about this horrible, horrible thing in order to advance their cause. It makes me sick.
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boag · 18 days
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I’ve been getting such bad intrusive thoughts lately and they’re always so disturbing and shocking and out of left field that they make my stomach turn and it can be so hard to redirect my thoughts to something else and stop upsetting myself and I can never talk about it to anyone bc like wtf why would I speak that shit aloud
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annalyticall · 1 month
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Do not engage with bad takes, I say, quietly seething as complete strangers character assassinate my favorite fictional guy
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gothtwinkpeach · 2 months
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