content note: discussion of suicide.

this next monday will be the six year anniversary of losing one of my friends to suicide.

when he died, my high school barely mentioned his death, even though for other students who died by things like car crashes or illness, there were so many public expressions of grief. they believed that having any memorials for a student who died by suicide would encourage other people to die the same way. in their rush to erase the circumstances of his death, they erased the memory of his life.

there are so many things i am angry at that high school about in terms of how they treated mental health (mandatory reporting and collaborating with cops, their refusal to recognize the ways in which that system led to peer-to-peer crisis support, their refusal to recognize the ways that trying to keep each other alive through trial and error was scary and exhausting, carceral disciplinary policies, etc etc etc). but i think one of the things i am still angriest about is the way they enforced shame around his death. it felt like they were retroactively blaming him for the constellation of circumstances that made suicide an option in his life. it felt like they were blaming those of us who missed him and cared about him and wanted to grieve him. it made those of us still there who were actively suicidal feel even more scared about the reaction if we did reach out for help from one of those mythical safe adults.

as an adult now involved in psych abolition/mad liberation work, it makes me so fucking mad to see the ways in which he was discarded by people in authority positions. and the older i get, the more options i have found in my life for making sense of the world and finding healing and community and support which were never available to him because he died when he was 16 and the only things offered to him were a carceral psychiatric system that blamed him for his own fucking death. it feels so incredibly unfair.

i miss him and i think i always will; i can't remember his laugh or the sound of his voice or his favorite color any more and that aches. this grief is so heavy and it feels harder in a new way each year, when i become older than he will ever be. sometimes meeting new comrades or seeing new anticarceral suicide support models hurts because i wish so fucking bad that we had that back then. i remember how close we came to losing even more people that year and i know it is simple fucking luck that i'm still here when he's not.

i remember another letter (never sent) that i wrote to a friend while they were in an ICU bed after a suicide attempt when i didn't know if they would live or not. i have spent so much time in the past 10 years begging for anything to keep me and my friends alive, but even in that letter i knew that there is so much fucking violence that is hidden beneath psychiatric logics of cure and safety that promise a "solution" to suicide. I knew that institutionalization, coercion, and shame would not have helped build a life more liveable for him or **** or any of the people i've loved and lost since.

there needs to be more fucking options for care and support that aren't so incredibly cruel to suicidal people. i know so many people doing incredible work in alternatives, peer respite, a million different frameworks for healing and liberation. but it makes me so mad every day i have to live in a world where there are still people restrained, locked up in psych wards, having all autonomy and personhood taken away from them. knowing there are dozens of people every day getting blamed for their deaths the same way he was blamed for his.

i miss him. i cared so fucking much for him. and he died by suicide, and all of those things are true. he has been dead for 6 years and he lived before that and the people who loved him want to remember all of him; our celebrations of his life should not require hiding the way that he died.

Image description: [1000 origami cranes in all different colors and patterns that are tied together in strings of 25]

(these were the 1000 cranes we made to give to his parents, in memorial and recognition of how much he meant to us.)

Akeshu comic about sleeping through new years and being okay with it because you're really got dang tired and you're hanging out with the person most important to you anyway so it's fine

FYI just want people to know that the abbreviation of Omegaverse with and without the slashes is a very real world derogatory slur that has been hurled towards Indigenous Aboriginal Australians for centuries. I obviously understand not everyone is fully aware of Australia's history of institutionalized racism, genocide of traditional land owners and the stolen generation etc., but seeing the Omegaverse abbreviation everywhere is genuinely frustrating especially when people are ignorant to the actual serious implications of the word when put into a different cultural context.

EDIT: it should be noted that is also frustrating that people outside of Australia don't really know much about it's racist history (which is no fault of their own, hell even my education on Australian history back in primary school was abysmal and never mentioned the countless genocides the English settlers caused on Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people during colonization), but that's a whole other wider conversation - and even then you should be looking for Indigenous Aboriginal Australian and Torres Strait Islander Voices if you want learn about Australia's history.

stepsister ashley who wanted a younger sister so bad and now that she has one, she dotes on you and adores you. constantly giving you sweet little kisses and telling you that it's okay because she loves you so much. you don't think much of it because she gives you any and all attention you could ever want, why would you need anyone else??

Wormmon photos

my shirt that says "i don't have an eating disorder" has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt

I’m so tired I need someone to execute me 🤕

I’ll be better with time. I believe it. I just need to focus on one thing at the time. Live slowly, today is your last day as you; tomorrow it’s another you who’ll live. With each day, there’s is another opportunity to be who you want to be. With each day, you born again and die the same night. Life flies by.

Life flies by.

Why is my stupid idiot brain sunk to the very bottom of the sea bed like whale fall. I'm on extra strength medication, I'm staying off social media, I'm surrounded by kittens. And yet. My anxiety has turned into full blown agoraphobia and I'm so depressed that getting out of bed is a feat I only achieve because my cats need feeding.

It's been almost seventeen years of being bipolar but I still can't internalise that mood disorders are actual illnesses that disable and debilitate as much as any physical disease. Clearly the only thing wrong with me is that I'm not trying hard enough to crawl out of this. If I really wanted to get better I'd fight through my anxiety and back pain and sensory hell and do stuff like go to therapy, eat healthy, exercise and get a job.

To make matters worse, my brain keeps hollering that I'm 37 this year and no closer to joining the rest of the job-having, rent-paying, independent adult world. The fact that I've been in a consistently worsening mental health crisis since 2020 to the point that I was in greater danger than I've ever been of committing suicide the first six months of last year is clearly irrelevant. Somehow.

Tbh, if it wasn't for my rescue kittens, I'd be regretting that I didn't just go through with it. Not enough to go through with it now, but regretting it all the same. But I do have my kitties so I can't regret it. Instead, I'm just resigning myself to the fact that having something to live for, even when I don't want to, is the best I'll ever get.

"I'm super grateful for him. I'm glad our relationship is how it is right now. That's my guy. I always love going to war for him." - Jared McCain on Coach Jon Scheyer

feel it coming (Jack Hughes/Luke Hughes/Quinn Hughes) Sibling Incest, Rule 63, Loss of Virginity, Threesome - F/M/M Explicit - 6,957 words

“It’s not fair that you two can just make out with someone whenever you want,” Luke whines loudly, keeping his eyes on the show. “I want someone to make out with whenever I want.”

wrote this as a gift for @lisafremonts after i got to thinking about luke in their quinn/girl!jack 'verse. thrilled to finally be able to share this with you, v nervous about posting (and writing!) my first fic since livejournal lmao

back on my bs again

‘Sad brain protocol’ may just be the best idea I have ever heard. I will absolutely be incorporating that into my every day life.

Sad brain protocol is SO USEFUL and I regularly make use of it! A friend of mine came up with it and all of us have used it at one point or another. It seemed like such an emotionally aware thing that I figured Foggy could use it with Matt, who regularly has sad brain. And because other readers have asked, too:

The Ten Rules of Sad Brain Protocol:

Any designated friend not in Sad Brain Territory may invoke Sad Brain Protocol on a friend they suspect is in Sad Brain territory. Likewise, you can call it on yourself and alert a friend, one who is a designated Sad Brain Wrangler. If you do not have a Wrangler friend, you follow what rules you can.

Wranglers and Sad Brain Havers can switch when needed, as long as whoever is the Wrangler is in the right headspace.

Sad Brain Protocol must be agreed to and discussed ahead of time by both the designated Wranglers and Havers.

Sad Brain Protocol must only be respectfully invoked by both the Sad Brain Haver and the Sad Brain Wrangler. No joke invocations. Sad Brain Protocol is essentially a Big Red Button, so pushing it is to be taken seriously.

If Sad Brain Protocol is invoked over an event, the Sad Brain Haver must tell the Wrangler exactly what was said or what happened word for word. The Haver must not change the wording or actions, even for story effect, even if they feel guilty, or even if they think something unsaid was implied or obvious. If the Haver cannot remember the exact words or events, they must tell the Wrangler. This is because Sad Brain can often twist or color things.

The Sad Brain Haver is not to make major decisions that could have Very Serious Consequences without checking in with the Wrangler, or, if possible, for a period of 3 days (this is why Foggy mentions in fic that this is meant to help Matt not burn his life down, and stopped him from dropping out of college). If a major decision can wait for 3 days and the Wrangler calls to wait, the Haver must wait. If you are solo with no Wrangler and have called the protocol, you must call a wait on yourself to stop any impulsive decisions (I sometimes imagine Foggy himself telling me to wait when I don't have access to a Wrangler in the moment; I find it helps to imagine someone trusted, fictional or not).

The Wrangler must treat the Haver with respect, even if the Haver's reaction seems irrational, ex: hopelessness or anxiety over something seemingly fixable.

The Sad Brain Haver is not to play Sad Brain Olympics with the Wrangler. There is no, 'Well you don't understand because my depression/anxiety is worse.' The Wrangler's job is not to be the Haver. Their job is to guide the Haver away from bad decisions influenced by Sad Brain.

Likewise, the Wrangler must treat emotions as valid. There is no, 'Why are you sad Matt? It's not a big deal!' The Wrangler isn't there to kill or shred the emotions. Just to pull them back from what happened or what will happen so that clarity is achieved, especially with any major decisions.

While chronic depression, anxiety, or things like BPD are often catalysts for Sad Brain Protocol moments, none of those are required. Sometimes you're just having a really shitty time, and there's no shame in invoking Sad Brain Protocol when that happens.

it is very very hard to not feel like a failure right now. maybe i am and i've been tricking everyone into thinking i'm not.

Sometimes it just hits me that I’m actively hiding every interest of mine from my parents and faking having more ‘respectable’ ones. How did they fuck up so badly that I get panic attacks when I think about them knowing I like ninja turtles. Like why would you tease and ridicule your child so much that they are scrambling to hide their innocent hobbies. And I’m mad at myself because I’m letting them get to me!! I shouldn’t care about their opinion but all I very obviously do. It’s just. Ugh. I’m horrible at keeping my own secrets, but for once I want to enjoy something without having to see my parents faces every time they see me enjoying it. I’m sick of pretending I’m just tolerating a show for the lolz. I’m sick of deleting my watch history every time I watch a silly little kids show. I’m just so tired.

You know for all the shit we give periods I'll give them this, they're pretty handy for telling time. For instance: it's been about a month since the last time I had lasagna and you'll never guess how I know this

• (read the tags at your own risk bc TW SA)

Basically I just feel like a big ass clown so thanks life for this

Also I need to stop venting on here bc it is NOT the bad bitch vibe that I want to maintain…😂😂😂😂

Thanks for listening tho, you guys are loved✨