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cali-holland · 4 years

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Golden Hearts, Prologue

Harrison Osterfield X Reader, James Bond AU ~ Sequel to Golden Bullets

Following a messy split, Harrison, Agent 007, resumes his role as an elite womanizer, after his recovery from his previous mission; meanwhile, you’ve stepped back from your 00 status, taking on cases as MI6’s assistant director from your office. When a new threat emerges to MI6 and a dear friend gets kidnapped, can you and Harrison set aside your differences to save special agent Q, better known as Tom? Or will the stakes- and your love, push you two further apart?

Word Count: 2700

Gif is not mine

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Warnings: violence (unnamed character death, guns, someone gets stabbed, kidnapping, tranq dart, punching/kicking), swearing, sexual themes (my attempt at a heavy make out sesh), mentions of drugs & sex trafficking & sexual abuse

~~~

Tom hated field work, he really did. He could handle himself fine with a gun, but he still hated it nonetheless. Maybe it was because he hated the feeling of having no control. Behind a computer, he was the one in complete control. He could hack, invent, and upgrade things as he pleased, as if it was simple; there were no unknown variables, not truly.

Maybe another reason he hated field work was his current state— yet again, who would enjoy running away from the bullets of angry Spanish men, who were also possibly cyberterrorists.

Technically though, this wasn’t even field work. This was Tom having a good time with his family in Spain when he discovered a meeting of said suspected cyberterrorists. He didn’t mean to stumble across the secret meeting, but when he did, he did his best to acquire surveillance of the scene with his camera, taking a few photographs of the men, clear enough for facial recognition to be successful later. Thankfully, the men hadn’t linked him back to his family, leaving him to flee- or well, attempt to because he knew this information needed to be sent to MI6.

“Shit, shit, shit.” Tom cursed, ducking down an alleyway before kicking in the nearby door. He raced up the stairs and checked behind him quickly. The men were far enough behind him that he was fine- he had time to finish this small mission. He ran into the small, worn down, windowless apartment M had supplied him in case of an emergency, which he definitely felt like this counted as one. Grabbing the laptop from the desk, he slid his camera’s memory drive into it.

“Come on, come on.” He mumbled as he waited for the laptop to load the images. With the file upload complete, he drafted a quick email, fingers flying across the keyboard.

‘Find L’Americain.’ Tom wrote out in the message space before adding in the two recipients, the two people he could trust most with this critical information. Just before he could press the little arrow to send the message, the door got kicked down by the opposing men. Instantly, Tom put his hands up in surrender, knowing with his lack of weapons that taking them on wasn’t his best option- or maybe it was.

One of the men shouted out orders, and Tom eyed the open email in front of him. He couldn’t let this just go to waste; no, he was sacrificing his life for this, it had to go to someone at least. Taking a deep breath, he quickly hit the send button. In one fast motion, he removed the memory drive and threw it on the ground, crushing it and all of its data. He shut the laptop and put his hands up again, feeling one of the men step forward and point his gun against Tom’s head.

“Alright, I’m done.” Tom said with a sigh. He watched as a second man opened the laptop, only to find the computer frozen without Tom’s unhackable code to unlock it. The leader spoke again, and this time, the man behind Tom shoved him to turn him around.

“Who did you send the message to?” The leader questioned in a thick Spanish accent.

“Doesn’t matter.” He paused, a cocky smirk playing on his lips, “All you need to know is— you don’t need to find them, they’ll find you.”

“Are you sure about that?” The other man asked, cocking his gun.

With a wave of confidence, Tom grabbed the man’s wrist in front of him, twisting it up and grabbing the gun from his hands. He fired twice, one hit the man in the chest and the second at the laptop, blowing a bullet straight through the device. He then shot the only light in the room, sending the space into darkness. Tom ducked as the other two fired blindly, and he swept his leg down to knock one over. Tom clutched onto his gun before running in the direction of the exit.

The moment he got back onto the streets of Spain, he ran as fast as his feet could carry him, booking it down the busy roads towards the proper MI6 safehouse, where, hopefully, a better and actually trained field agent would be. He could see the familiar, yellow safe house in the distance, just a block away, and he began to run even harder, feeling a surge of hopefulness overcome him. He might actually make it through this.

That hope was quickly lost as two black motorcycles came from the side streets, stopping with their guns raised, effectively halting him in his tracks. Tom raised his own gun, ready to fire at them. While he was distracted by these two, he didn’t catch the third motorcyclist behind him. He felt a prick to his neck before a sudden wave of drowsiness washed through his system. Dropping the gun, he fell limp to his knees.

“The hell—?” He mumbled, his fingers tracing over the tranq dart in the back of his neck.

That was the last thing he remembered before he slipped into a deep state of unconsciousness.

~~~

The moment he stepped into the club, he was blinded by the pink and gold neon lights, his ears flooding with the blaring sound of some atrocious techno music that had no business being played in such a setting. He followed the waitress dressed in the club’s signature colors to a vip room. When she opened the door for him, he slid past her while brushing his fingers against her waist, a smirk playing on his lips as he did so. In the room sat six men around a deep brown circular table, all dressed in their finest suits; the smoke from their cigars hanging in the air and onto their crisp glasses of whiskey.

The one at the head of the table spoke first, his hand outstretching towards the only open chair at the table, “How nice of you to join us, Mr.—?”

“Osterfield. Harrison Osterfield.” He answered, smoothing out his suit as he took a seat in the chair.

“Can I get you anything to drink?” The waitress asked from his side.

“Martini. Thank you, love.” Harrison replied, his lips in his signature smirk. The woman left the room quickly, leaving him to discuss business with the other men.

“So, Mr. Osterfield,” The leader didn’t get to finish his thought as Harrison held up a finger, silently telling him to wait a moment. The waitress returned to the room, handing him the shaken martini.

“I never discuss business without a drink first.” He stated, before drinking the beverage down in one quick motion. His fingers traced the small, sharp metal rod, complete with a green olive still on the end of it. The men watched as he picked the olive off, abandoning it in the glass.

“You know, I thought a bunch of drug dealing, sex trafficking assholes would check their new guests for guns first.” Harrison said. The men went to draw their weapons, but he was faster, throwing the rod across the table and straight into the leader’s eye. He drew his compacted machine gun from his back holster, firing along the circular table until none of them so much as blinked. He tucked his gun back away under his suit and turned to see the same waitress from before. Her eyes were wide with fear, but he could see her shoulders relax as she realized he wasn’t going to harm her, an innocent employee. He watched as her eyes stayed on one man of the group in particular.

Slowly, Harrison stepped towards her, “Did he hurt you?” When she nodded, he went to comfort her, but she shook her head the moment his hands touched hers.

“Thank you. They were the worst.” She stated, and Harrison couldn’t sense any fear in her voice as she spoke; no, she sounded perfectly fine- happy, even.

“It’s no problem, love.” He smiled at her, blue eyes lighting up as her eyes met his.

“There must be some way for me to,” She paused, “repay you.”

“Well,” Harrison’s lips curved into a smirk, eyeing the waitress up and down, “What time do you get off, sweetheart?”

~~~

“Harder, Harry!”

“I don’t want to hurt you- oh god.” Harry landed on the ground with a loud thud. He let out a groan, rubbing his abdomen where your punch had landed. You playfully rolled your eyes at him as you held out a hand for him to stand up again. He took your hand and nearly fell over again, still surprised by how forceful your grip was.

“Told you I could handle myself.” You teased, making him laugh.

“Are we done yet?” He asked, but still got in position across from you in the ring.

“You can’t be tired already?” You joked, and he raised his eyebrows at you. You sighed, before raising your fists. “Fine. Last one.”

“Loser buys drinks on Friday?” Harry offered, a cheeky smile on his face.

“Agents aren’t my type. Besides, you already know I’m going to win.” You smirked.

“I’m not an agent yet, remember?” He reminded you with a wink.

“Your status changes at midnight, Agent 003.”

“Better get busy on those drinks then.”

As you started to throw punches at him again, he blocked them the best he could, his arms and torso still getting clipped by your knuckles. You started to pull your punches, letting him feel like he had the upper hand. Just as Harry was about to make a comment about finally beating you, you jumped up and kicked him square in the chest, sending him backwards and onto the decently solid ground of the sparring mat. You smirked down at him.

“Finished, Holland?” You asked, and he let out a sigh and nodded- rather, nodded as best he could. You held your hand out to him again, and he took it just like every other time you knocked him over in training. “Good session today. I say you’re 00 ready.”

“I still can’t believe it. Me? A 00 agent.” Harry chuckled while the two of you walked outside of the sparring ring to get your water bottles. “I can’t wait to tell Tom.”

“When does he get back from Spain? He’s there with your family, right?” You inquired before taking a long drink of the refreshing ice cold water.

“Yeah, he should be back in a few days. I’m still kinda bummed my training process kept me from going, but I guess you kinda sign away family vacation as a 00.” He laughed.

“Oh, definitely.” The training room fell silent as you quickly gathered your bag. The moment you were ready to leave, you made a beeline for the door, and Harry jogged to catch up to you.

“About those drinks-“ He started.

“I’ve already told you. It’s not happening, Harry.” You replied, continuing your path to your car.

“Just one date?” He asked. When you didn’t respond, he reached a hand out for yours. The second his finger brushed against your skin, you instinctively grabbed his wrist and twisted it. “Ow, fuck. I’ll drop it.”

You let go of his hand with a small laugh, “I’ll see you tomorrow, Harry.” And with that, you got into your BMW and sent him a quick wave.

When you got back to your apartment, you let out a deep sigh, tossing your bag down next to your couch. It was silent, just like it always was now. Sticky with sweat from your post-work training, you headed straight for the shower. Once you were out of the warm water’s embrace, you changed into your red satin robe, draping it over your shoulders and tying it around your waist. You turned on the TV for background noise as you cooked yourself a quick meal for dinner. It wasn’t until you were sitting down and eating that you realized your TV was playing a “Mission Impossible” movie, right in the middle of an action-packed Tom Cruise scene.

You watched as the actor scaled the Burj Khalifa in Mumbai. With a sigh, you set your empty plate and fork aside, twirling the steak knife in your hand. You didn’t take your eyes off the movie as you threw the knife to your right, sending it straight into the bullseye of your dartboard. You huffed; a steak knife and a dartboard, you really were bored.

You’d be lying if you said you didn’t miss field work. There was a reason why you personally trained Harry to become a 00 agent instead of having another, lesser agent take it on. After all, though, Tom wanted his younger brother to be trained by the best, which was you, even after three months behind a desk. You missed the suspense of keeping undercover, the sweet taste of action, all of it.

But MI6 was changing, and that meant you had to change too. As M retired and was replaced by the new M, Gareth Mallory, you turned in your 00 status to stay in the office. And, with Nine Eyes, a new global security company, seeking to merge with MI6, the 00 program was at stake now as it is, yet all of that was information left to remain between you, Q, and M. Global security sounded like a dream, but it would mean a lot more changes to the organization.

Just as you were about to turn off your TV and turn in for yet another lonely night, a notification came through your computer across the room. Curious, you stood up and walked over to your desk, taking a seat in the office chair to examine the new notification.

“New encrypted message from Q,” the screen read. You clicked on the message to open it, your eyes going wide at the contents.

“Oh god,” You breathed out.

Meanwhile, across London, Harrison was having a different night than you.

“This is me.” The waitress’s lips barely separated from Harrison’s as she spoke. With his hands around her waist, fisting at the loose fabric of her work dress, he walked them backwards out of the elevator. He dipped his head down to hungrily nip at her neck while she led them to her apartment. She fumbled with the keys as Harrison found the sweet spot on her neck, already marking a hickey there. The moment she got the door open, his hands slid down the back of her thighs and she jumped into his embrace, chests pressed against each other.

“Bedroom?” Harrison panted out, his blue eyes full of lust.

“First door on the left.” She barely got the words out before his lips were desperately back on hers.

He stumbled his way through the dark apartment to her bedroom before laying her down on the bed. Her hands worked on unbuttoning his shirt as he discarded his jacket somewhere behind him. She pushed her lips back onto his, sloppily kissing him while he shrugged off his shirt. Harrison wasted no time in finding the zipper on her dress, tugging it down. The moment the dress slipped from around her, she pulled Harrison back with her on the bed, and his lips hungrily followed hers, moans slipping from both of their throats as their tongues and teeth clashed.

Hearing his smartwatch alert him of a new message, Harrison broke the kiss, leaning on one arm to look at his wrist. The waitress’s lips dipped down his neck, biting and sucking on his skin as her hands scratched over his abs, a detour on the way to his belt.

“New encrypted message from Q.” Harrison read the alert, and his eyebrows furrowed in confusion and worry.

“Stop, stop.” Harrison said, pulling the waitress off his body as he got off the bed.

“Where are you going?” She asked, hurt by the sudden change.

“I have to go. Sorry, love.” He answered, but he really wasn’t that apologetic as he slipped his clothes back on. She huffed and made some angry comment about him mistreating women, but the words flew over his head. He rushed out of the apartment and made his way to the elevator. Once he was within the comfort of the four metal walls with no one around, he opened up the new email on his phone. He let out a shaky sigh, peering down at the message’s contents.

“Shit.”

~~~

General Tag List: @viagracex @theamazingtomholland @Hellomoveonby @heyitsshrez @harrisonosterfieldhazmyheart @joyleenl @t-o-m-holland @lonikje @sleepybesson @sunkisseddreamer @hollandsamor @in-a-lot-of-fandoms-tbh @gorillaglue23

Harrison Tag List: @Calhtlland @tomkindholland @where-art-thau-romeo

Original Series Tag List: @quinjetboi @baby-haz @kickingn-ames @rougese7en @hollandsosterfield @nj01 @it-is-rebel-owl-ma-dudes @spencerreidxoxo @duskholland

#harrison osterfield #harrison osterfield x you #harrison osterfield imagine #harrison osterfield x reader #harrison osterfield series #harrison osterfield x y/n #harrison osterfield fic

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lakesandquarries · 3 years

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Baby Shoes - Chapter 1

Bubby has been a doctor at Black Mesa for 20 years, living there for 50. He's been bouncing around from project to project, working on whatever needs most help. He doesn't have any opinions on his work or his coworkers or anything like that, preferring to keep to himself.

Then he meets Black Mesa's newest project.

AKA: Bubby is Benrey's dad au.

SOME NOTES, PLEASE READ: this fic contains graphic violence and child abuse and temporary character death of a minor. To skip that scene stop reading after “I had no idea about any loose subjects.” I’ll write a summary underneath.

other notes: title from “Baby Shoes” by Bad Books. I’m posting this as a birthday present to myself and i hope you enjoy!

AO3 Link

He’s never been down this hall before, not in 20 years of working at Black Mesa or the 30 years living here before that. The biological research labs were always off limits, the risk of him running into a prototype too high for anyone’s comfort.

But the prototypes are all gone now, finally. Bubby doesn’t understand why they kept them around for so long, but apparently they were all killed, or died, or whatever. He hadn’t paid much attention to what the scientist was telling him, more focused on the idea of an entire new wing being available to him.

It’s - well. It’s Black Mesa. Regardless of the department, everything looks about the same. Grey walls, grey ceilings, grey floors. Generic looking people in lab coats with various stains and tears walking around. They seem a little more frazzled here than in the robotics department, where he’s currently stationed, but it’s not surprising that living specimens might be a bit more stressful to deal with.

No one questions him as he wanders through the halls, quickly getting lost in the maze of identical corridors. There’s all sorts of containers with all sorts of creatures, and the sight is not a pleasant one. A few are even kept in tubes much too similar to his own for his comfort, and he hurries away from them quickly.

There’s so much. One cage contains a creature that looks like a mix between a raccoon and a giant orange cat. A glass box holds small creatures resembling butterflies with scorpion-like tails ready to strike. In another corner is a tank with some kind of glowing fish.

Perhaps it’s a good thing he’s never been assigned to this area.

He passes a small cage that looks completely empty, the bars in the back distended, and it’s not until he sees a dark shape scuttle down the hall that he realizes something has escaped.

Bubby’s not sure why he follows after it, rather than finding someone and letting them know. Perhaps it’s his memory of his own escape attempts, or some kind of reckless bravery. Regardless, he chases after it, speeding down the hall. There’s a closet at the end, the door slightly ajar. He makes his way over and swings the door open without a second thought.. “Hello?” he calls, flipping on the light. It’s full of cleaning supplies, shelves on the verge of collapse, and a shape hiding behind the mop bucket.

The shape doesn’t seem to be able to settle on what it is, a dark mass that keeps shifting as Bubby crouches down. It solidifies as he watches it, deciding on a vaguely humanoid shape, with pale desaturated skin and black hair covering its face. It’s dressed in a hospital gown, covered in dark oily stains. When it brushes its hair back it reveals large yellow eyes and some kind of dark smudge covering the upper half of its face.

“I’m not going back, you can’t make me,” it says, baring its teeth, tiny fists balled up, and Bubby blinks.

“I - I’m not here to take you back,” he says. “I don’t even work here. To be perfectly honest, I’m not even supposed to be in this area.”

The creature tilts its head, curling in on itself. Its teeth are still barred, but it’s hard to feel threatened.

“I wouldn’t even know where to take you.” He thinks back to his own tube, the few times in his childhood that he’d been allowed to leave, and shudders. “You - I take it you’re one of the, er, experiments here?”

The creature - the child? - nods. Bubby crouches down, pulling back the sleeve of his lab coat, revealing the marking on the inside of his wrist. There’s text reading 88U and a barcode in black ink. The child’s eyes go wide as they look up at Bubby. “You - you’re not -” They reach out and gently touch Bubby’s wrist before pulling their hand away again. “Not a doctor? You - you’re like me?” Holding out their wrist, the code 'XEN-3' with a similar barcode was stamped on their flesh. The raised text and fresh ink confirming the branding was still new. Bubby's chest clenches at the sight.

“A bit, yes. I’m not required to stay in my tube anymore, though.”

“They let you out?”

Bubby nods. “I’m an employee here now. Have my own dorm room and everything.” He’s also technically still Black Mesa property, but it's good to give the child a bit of hope. “My name is Bubby. And yours is...?”

The child hunches their shoulders, looking to the side. “I - I don’t have one.”

“Well, that won’t do. Would - may I give you a name?”

They look up at him again, humming a sharp, high note, and some strange peach and blue bubbles fall out of their mouth. Bubby reaches forward, touching one with his finger, and it dissolves into a cloud of mist. A feeling of - gratitude? Yes, gratitude, and excitement, and joy washes over him.

“Sorry!” the child squeaks, covering their mouth with their hands. “I - I didn’t mean to -”

“Is that...is this how you express yourself?” Bubby asks, watching the other bubbles fade. The child nods.

“They called it the, uh, Black Mesa Sweet Voice.”

“Interesting name.”

“I didn’t - I didn’t mean to do it, I’m sorry, I -”

Bubby reaches a slow, tentative hand forward. When the child doesn’t recoil, he places it on their head, patting gently. “It’s quite alright. Nothing wrong with it. Now, we were talking about a name?”

The child raises their head to butt against Bubby’s hand, so he continues to pat them as he thinks. Xen, obviously, is not a name. There was a scientist named Ben though, wasn’t there? Benjamin something or other. It’s not a bad name, but it’s a bit plain for the child in front of him. Benny could work - but it feels a bit too close to Bubby’s own name, following the same basic formula. He needs another letter to differentiate it.

“Benrey,” he says out loud.

The child makes a trilling noise. “Benrey?”

“As a name. Do you like it?”

“Benrey,” they repeat. “Beeenreeey. Benrey.” Their face splits into a smile, revealing far too many sharp teeth. “Benrey!”

“I’ll take that as a yes, then.”

“That’s me,” Benrey says, tapping their hand on the ground. “I’m Benrey!”

“It’s nice to meet you, Benrey,” Bubby says, smiling back at them. They launch themself forward, barreling into Bubby’s chest in some approximation of a hug.

“Thank you,” they mumble, and he can only assume there’s more of the Sweet Voice because that same wave of delighted gratitude washes over him.

It’s at that moment that someone steps up from behind, shoes clicking on the ground. Benrey pulls away before Bubby can blink, shifting back into nothing but a mass of shadow. They slip back into their previous hiding spot. Bubby turns to see an older woman, brown hair pulled into a tight bun and a myriad of red stains covering her lab coat.

“You,” she says sharply.

“Me?” Bubby asks, touching a finger to his chest.

“Yes, you. We’ve been looking all over for you! There’s a highly dangerous subject on the loose, we can’t risk it injuring you. What are you doing in here?”

Are they talking about Benrey? The tiny little child? “I’m just exploring,” Bubby says, standing up and brushing his lab coat off. “I had no idea about any loose subjects.”

The woman squints at him, and then her head darts to the side. She pulls out a gun from her holster. “Get out of the way,” she says, shoving him to the side and completely knocking him over, and shoots before Bubby can react. The gun shot is loud, but the pained noise that Benrey makes feels even louder. He scrambles to get up, biting back on a scream, but the woman has already grabbed Benrey by the back of the neck. They’ve taken that humanoid shape again, only now there’s a gunshot wound in the middle of their chest. Benrey blinks at him, once, and then their eyes fall shut and their head droops forward.

“I - Did you just kill them?!” His hands tense, holding back the urge to reach forward and strangle this woman. “They - it looked like a child.”

The woman huffs. “It’s only temporary. It always comes back, it’ll be fine.”

“Why - why not just use tranquilizers? This seems...unnecessary.” It’s cruel, is what it is. Bubby can’t stop staring at Benrey’s limp form.

“Tranqs don’t work. Gun’s easier.” She sighs, stepping past Bubby and holding the door open for him. “You should head back to Robotics.”

“I - I suppose.” Is this what shock feels like? His head is spinning and his legs feel unsteady.

“Don’t wander around here like that again. This could’ve gone a lot worse.” She finally holsters her gun, keeping an eye on Bubby as she does so. The wound in Benrey’s chest is seeping blood, thick and dark.

“Yes. Okay.” He squeezes past her, reaching out to give Benrey one last pat on the head, and leaves.

SCENE SUMMARY: female scientist shoots benrey to incapacitate/kill him, stating tranquilizers don't work and it's easier and that benrey will be fine.(spoiler he is). bubby heads back to robotics department.

#hlvrai #half life vr but the ai is self aware #bubby #bubby (hlvrai)#benrey #benry #baby shoes au #cora writes

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autistic-stare · 4 years

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Project Driscoll: Chapter three-598

Chapter three, again from a different point of view. This is also a little further back in the timeline. The majority of this chapter was written by Raeven Gray.

Content warning: Death (murder), CHILD ABUSE, TORTURE, blood, needles, medical equipment, creepy whumper introduced here, dystopian society, tranquilizers

“Mom? Mom! 526!” I’m shouting. I’m confused. All I know is that blood is coming out of my mother at an alarming rate, showering me in the red liquid. With every drop, I can feel my mother’s body getting colder.

It was an accident, it really was. I had a pair of scissors that I was using for a class assignment, but I tripped when my brother, 352, ran in front of me unexpectedly. The scissors flew out of my hand, arcing through the air in a menacing rainbow of steel. No. Next thing I know, Mom is lying on the floor, her life draining from her veins.

Run. Wait, what? I can’t run. I have to tell them, I have to tell them that this was all an accident. Run, the voice whispers. Is that coming from inside me? I’m only seven, maybe they’ll understand. Run. Run now. Confused, I decide to give in. I run.

I find an abandoned civilian storage crate in the alley behind my house, they kind they use to drop supplies at our doorstep. I’m crouching, quivering in fear. I hear a voice, rough and unfamiliar.

“A little girl—did that? I can’t believe it!”

“Yeah, it’s pretty shocking. They told us it was a freak accident, but I don’t buy it. 723 is going to have a lot of fun with this one,” a second voice says, this one smoother, but slightly deeper.

“That’s cruel and you know it. Maybe we should leave her alone.”

“Is your head unscrewed, 438? You absolute fool! Do you know what 723 would do to us?”

“Better me than her, 762. Better me than her. She’s too young, she has too much potential.”

“Shut up. Talking about it won’t make it any more pleasant.”

They move in closer, and I squeak in fear. They hear me, and I jump, banging my head on the metal ceiling of the storage crate.

“There she is!” the first voice exclaims. “We’ve got her cornered.”

“Hello, little girlie. I’m 438, who are you?” he attempts. He’s trying to make me feel better, to lure me out from inside the crate. It won’t work.

“Oh, come on, 438, just get her. No common courtesies are going to lure this little monster out,” 762 interjects, his voice sinking lower and deeper. “Get your tranq out.” I hear a submissive sigh, probably from 438, and then the clicking of a dart being loaded. I hear the gun cock.

The door of the crate flips open, creating an explosion of light in this dark, cramped space. The sound of a dart firing. I should have picked a better hiding spot. I feel a sharp prick in my neck, and everything goes dark.

---

Where am I? Everything is so bright, so cold. Wh-what’s going on? I can’t move. I feel a sharp projection into my back, just off-center, and an icy cold trickles down my back. An IV. The needle retracts after it’s finished depositing whatever fluids. I shiver.

I look down. I’ve been cuffed to a wall, about two feet off the ground. The backs of my wrists and ankles are practically glued to the wall, a firm, unmoving pressure. I can’t move anything but my head.

I look to my right. There are eight empty spots, just like the one I now occupy, waiting with an ominous silence, like predator waiting for prey. On my left, there is a boy. He looks to be about fourteen, maybe fifteen. His eyes are scared, and he’s clearly been here longer than me, but how long, I cannot tell.

A man comes through a door. He wears no shackles, but the blue Government uniform under a white doctor’s coat. His presence scares me. He is ruthless. He has no empathy. I can see it in his eyes, in the way he carries himself.

“Ah, fresh blood,” he says. This must be 723. “I am 723. Quite nice to meet you. You’re the youngest DOP I’ve ever met. Seven,” he chuckles. “And you’re only Second! You'll have plenty of time to grow up here. We generally do take a while to . . . fill up.” He sneers, a wicked grin spreading across his face.

Two sets of numbers flicker across an old-fashioned, Hi-def plasma screen computer across the room, on the opposite wall. They really should update that, a holoscreen would be far more efficient. I almost laugh at my own inner cynicism, but reality comes crashing back with the weight of panic building in the pit of my stomach.

1 -- 374

2 -- 598

The boy next to me groans.

“That’s right, 374, it’s time for another round of Testing. You, 598, Testing is to make sure that you did commit the crime that you’ve been arrested for, among other things. You’ll go second,” 723 says. He crosses over to the monitor and types a series of commands. 374 drops to the ground. I look at him, yearning to get off this wall but, at the same time, terrified of what would happen when I do.

723 yanks 374 across the room by the ear, disappearing through the door he originally came through.

Fifteen minutes pass. I try to ignore the thoughts of what is going on behind that door, try to ignore the horrible feeling of infinite terrifying possibilities.

Finally, 723 returns. 374 looks pale and shaken as he climbs back into his spot. I hear the electromagnets engage.

After another series of commands, I, too, fall to the floor. I don’t anticipate how far I fall, and I feel a jarring pain in my legs, but I ignore it. 723 won’t have to pull my ear.

After the door is another room, a thick layer of white paint on the concrete walls and floor. A cold steel chair sits waiting in the center.

723 puts a warm, rough hand on my back and shoves me into it. I sit obediently, submissive with terror, shivering as I remember a saying from before the Republic formed. Warm hands, cold heart. This man has to have the coldest heart of all.

“Shall we begin?” He doesn’t wait for my response.

He moves around busily, first sticking me with a needle, then fiddling around with small pieces of plastic and wires. He keeps touching my head. Electrodes. He’s going to send artificial signals to my brain, probably to make me tell the truth. He finishes sticking them to my head, then slides a syringe into my neck, injecting me with some unknown substance. My body quickly goes limp, all sensation fading. I try to slow my panicked breathing as best I can, but it doesn’t help at all. The anticipation is scarier than anything this could possibly do.

“What happened last week?” 723 asks.

“Last week?” I gasp. “Nothing happened last week.” This I know is true.

Looking at a computer screen, 723 shakes his head, another sneer spreading across his face. “Wrong answer.”

Everything explodes. Pain like nothing I’ve ever felt before screams through my body, reaching places I didn’t know could hurt. No it hurts it hurtsithurtsithurtsithurts oh my gosh make it stop FUCK make it stop please make it STOP—

It stops. I gasp for air. “Oh, I’m sorry,” 723 says, grinning. “You don’t know how long you’d been out. Yeah . . . a week. Let’s just call that question . . . a trial run.” I’m crying too hard to say anything.

723 laughs a little, leaning close to my face. “Do you want to try a different question?”

I can’t answer. I don’t know what the right answer is.

“I think you do. What do you do when you get upset?”

I gulp, trying to speak between sobs. What kind of question is that? “Um. I . . . I . . .”

A flash of pain. I let out a pained yelp. “Is that your answer?”

I give a stifled groan. “I’m trying I'm trying I’m trying!” 723 raises his eyebrows. I look away quickly. I take a few deep breaths, trying to stay as calm as I can. Don’twannahurt don’twannahurt. “I . . . I normally go to my room or something?”

723 nods. “Interesting. Would you like to elaborate?”

I whimper. “I want to go home.”

More pain. My vision starts to go fuzzy at the edges. Nononono make it stop make it stop— 723 grins. “Another wrong answer. Try again?”

My breath is coming in ragged gasps. I can tell I’m on the verge of unconsciousness. My voice is small. “Okay. I . . .” I glance at 723, terrified, and answer the rest of the question in a panic. “I dunno I just try to be alone and calm down its not like anyone wanted to talk to me or anything and I spent all my time in my room anyway so.”

723 smiles. “That’s more like it.” A quick flash of pain.

I whimper again. “Please stop I answered the question stop hurting me!”

“Oops! My bad. Technical difficulties.”

No. You're just having fun.

The rest of the session passes in the same fashion. He asks his questions, and I answer. If he doesn’t like what I say, the pain returns.

I assume it only lasts fifteen minutes, just like 374’s, but there is no way of knowing. I black out twice, or maybe it’s three times. I have no way of knowing. The whole thing just feels like one long, painful blur.

Finally, 723 releases the restraints. I can barely walk now; my nerves are too busy screaming with pain, but I do so anyway. I am escorted back into the holding room, where 374 eyes me with pity. Once 723 leaves the room, he speaks to me.

“Longest fifteen m-minutes of your, of your life, huh?” he says. His voice is kind, understanding. “I w-wonder what on, what on earth a sev-ven-year-old could do to, do to get here.”

I hesitate for a moment, then I speak, my voice cracking. “I accidentally killed someone.”

“Aww, well then,” 723 says, bursting back into the room. “Isn’t this nice?” 374 and I exchange frightful looks. “No, no, it’s alright. 374, if you think what she did was an accident, you’ve been lied to,” he grins, pleasure streaking across his face. “I’m sure you want to know what 374 did, isn’t that right, 598? He stole from the Government. And once we fill up—” he glances at the other eight spots, “—you’ll all receive your punishment.”

723 leaves. "D-dammit, I stole a p-pencil! It’s n-not like, like I stole, um, a b-bomb or anything," 374 shouts, straining against the wall.

Slowly, warily, I start thinking. Was it on purpose? No, I don’t think so. I love my mother. I wouldn’t do anything like that, would I? Maybe I would . . . no. I shake myself mentally. This 723, this psychopath, is making me doubt myself. I didn’t do it on purpose. I know I didn’t do it on purpose.

The lights never dim. My innate sense of time almost slips from my grasp, only saved by the marking of six hours, represented by the cold nutrient fluid running through the IV in my back. Every third time, sedatives are added to the fluid. We sleep for six hours, then we are woken up by another rush of liquid food. I’m almost grateful for the sedatives, and whatever keeps us sleeping deep enough that six hours easily replaces twelve. The lights are bright enough that I know I could never sleep on my own. Time almost becomes meaningless in this blank, white room.

And day after day, the Testing sessions go on.

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howtohero · 6 years

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#101 Archers and Arrows

Arrows, arrows are a very useful part of society. Without them signs would just say “free pizza this way,” or “if you walk this way there is a 100% chance of you getting stabbed twenty-three times in the face,” with zero indication of which direction the thing the sign is describing is happening. Arrows are also useful if you are putting on a period piece about Medieval warfare or if you are an Olympic archer. What arrows are not generally useful for… is crime fighting. The trend of archer crime fighters began in 1456 CE with Frederyk (last name unknown let’s just say it’s) Arrowpants who used a bow and arrow to fight crime because guns had not yet come to his village (by the time the traveling firearms circus arrived he had already gotten really good with a bow and he didn’t want all that training to go to waste). Arrowpants made a (first) name for himself by fighting corrupt rich people and then, since he was always on the run, he’d leave the money he stole with poor families in the town for safekeeping. Arrowpants went on to inspire the myth of Robin Hood which is why we have all these nonsense costumed crime fighters running around with a bow and like eleven arrows max.

One of the major reasons why archers are generally ineffective in a super-battle is that they have very limited ammo. They have as much arrow ammo as they can fit in their quiver and their quiver can only be so big before it becomes unwieldy and cumbersome in a fight. To combat this I suggest keep caches of extra arrows hidden in secret places around your city. These caches should be stashed in out of the way places away from major thoroughfares and communal spaces. This way you can shift your super-fight to one of these locations without needlessly endangering civilian life. Also, you don’t want somebody to accidentally stumble upon your arrows and stab one of their eyes out. If you’re fighting somewhere where you don’t have arrows stashed, like in a different city or in space or on a floating country, then you better keep careful track of where you arrows are going so you can collect them later.

You’d also do well to have different kinds of specialized arrows. Having specialty arrows can set you apart from the rest of the archer pack quiver and go a long way towards making yourself desirable to superhero teams. Here are a few good examples of specialty arrows you should look into either purchasing or developing:

Electric-Zapping Arrows: You can give both your enemies and your teammates quite a shock when you pull these out and become an effective fighter.

Exploding Arrows: These pointy tipped arrows are literally the bomb. In the right hands they can be even more useful than conventional explosives because they can be launched far and can embed themselves in walls or vehicles or chests.

Flash-Bang Arrows: These arrows are useful for disorienting enemies, plus they give you an excuse to wear your cool sunglasses and designer headphones into battle. You’ll be the flyest guy in the fight (not counting the guys who can fly).

Sticky Arrows: Stop bad guys dead in their tracks with these bubble-gum/glue/cement filled arrows.

Hacking Arrows: For the tech-savvy archer, these arrows can embed themselves in different machines and provide you or someone else with remote access to the data stored within.

Grapple-Arrows: These arrows are attached to grapple lines that the archer can then use (in tandem with their bow) to zip across buildings or just off-screen for a hasty escape. These things are 100% more useful than grappling hooks because they don’t need to hook onto anything, they just need to be strong enough to pierce whatever you’re shooting.

Magic-Arrows: Arrows that you can control with magic through your mind, speech or whistling can be useful to take out several foes at once. If you have one of these you don’t really need anything else. You don’t even technically need a bow. This shouldn’t even really be a part of this list!

Boxing-Glove Arrows: Useful if you want to punch someone whose really far away.

Buzzsaw-Arrow: Useful if you want to frikkin murder someone. Or if you’re trapped in a hedge-labyrinth filled with villains and monsters and you want a quick escape.

Cryo-Arrows: Similar to Stick Arrows, these arrows contain capsules of cryo-gas that can freeze people or objects.

Fire-Arrows: These are just regular arrows that you set on fire before launching. Just make sure to fire launch them quickly. Can be used like a flare-gun.

Messenger Arrows: These arrows contain recorded messages (or have paper letters tied to them). Only useful if you can shoot insanely long distances with extreme accuracy. Or if you need to get a message to your buddy across a crowded battlefield.

Bug Arrows: These arrows are full of, you guessed it, bugs! It’s literally never not useful!

Bola-Arrows: These arrows produce tough ropes attached to metal balls that can tie your enemies to conveniently located support beams or telephone poles.

Helium Arrows: When these arrows are shot on a battle field they burst open unleashing high amounts of helium into the air. This will cause everybody in the fight’s voices to get all high and squeaky. Hilarious.

Blunted-Arrows: These arrows are good if you don’t want to murder anybody but still want to be able to aim for the chest and head.

Glow-in-the-Dark Arrows: Useful if you’re fighting in a rave or a cave.

Theme Song Arrow: Record your theme song onto this arrow and then launch it into battle ahead of you for a sick entrance.

Seed Pellet Arrows: These arrows are packed with seeds to make gardening way cooler. Lets you plant in hard to reach places.

Net-Arrow: These arrows produce large unbreakable nets to easily incapacitate your enemies. They also come in electric and barbed varieties, ask your local arrow supplier.

Oxygen Arrows: Useful if you’re fighting in space or underwater. Just fire one of these babies and oxygen will be dispersed all around. [Note: These are not useful please invest in actual space and/or scuba gear.]

Condiment Arrows: These arrows are very useful if you’re making a sandwich, hosting a superhero cookout which I’m sure has got to be a thing, or fighting PB&Slay the giant evil sandwich.

Ridable Arrows: These arrows are useful for team-ups with shrinkers. They have a tiny cockpit and a steering mechanism so the shrinker can ride in it and control its trajectory once launched.

Sonic Arrows: These arrows can emit a high pitched noise to give villains migraines or to accidentally give up your location while sneaking around somewhere you’re not supposed to be.

Boomerang Arrow: These arrows negate the whole “scrounging around a battlefield to retrieve your only arrows” problem since they come right back to you!

Fire-Retardant Foam Arrows: These arrows can unleash fire-retardant foam, a foam that retards fires! Use it to make all the firemen in your town jealous and all the arsonists angry.

Knockout-Arrows: These arrows can knock a fool out if you hit them in the head hard enough.

Knockout-Gas-Arrows: These arrows produce a gas that renders whoever inhales it unconscious. Make sure you’ve got a gas mask handy.

Magnetic Arrows: Use these arrows to climb up metal walls that can’t be pierced by your regular arrows.

Tracking Arrows: These arrows contain tracking devices so you can monitor their location or use them to track fleeing villains.

Suction Cup Arrows: These practice arrows can be used in training sessions or for young archers who can’t yet handle diamond tipped arrows or flesh-eating arrows.

Pronged Arrows: These arrows are forked so you can pin a person’s limbs to a wall without all that pesky blood getting everywhere. Or if you wanna stab two people at once!

Wooden Arrows: To fight vampires.

Silver Arrows: To fight werewolves.

Gold Arrows: Cuz You’re all about that bling.

Harpoon Arrows: To fight whales.

Tranq-Arrows: Yet another kind of arrow to knock out bad guys.

Smoke-Arrows: These arrows create a smokescreen for quick getaways.

Lightning Arrow: Harness the power of Zeus with this actual lightning bolt that you stole and then tried to shoot at someone with a bow!

Pen Arrows: The tips of these unique arrows are actually just fully functioning ball-point pens. They’re not much use in battle unless you’re fighting one of the evil Octomen and want to give them a taste of their own ink-shooting medicine.

Spare Change Arrows: This arrow can be shot at parking meters to trick them into thinking they’ve been paid. Plus they’re reusable! Never pay for parking again! Or pay other people’s meters, like a true hero.

Acid Arrows: Corrode your way out of any death trap or office meeting!

EMP Arrows: Villains using too much of that new-fangled technological stuff? Not anymore!

Multi-Arrows: This arrow separates into three different arrows when fired! So you gotta aim three times as well.

Nuke-Arrows: Honestly I’m not sure how useful these things are, chances are you’re not going to be able to fire it far enough for you to not be caught in the blastzone and also superheroes should not be nuking anyone. But I guess it’s better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it.

Oil Slick Arrows: Sometimes known as the Banana-Peel Arrow, these arrows can make villains fall on their butts in a frankly hilarious manner.

Magic-Piercing Arrows: These arrows can pierce magic. It’s all in the name. It’s right there.

Safe-Cracking Arrows: These are arrows eliminate the need for you to ever befriend any thieves. And they don’t even steal your wallets while talking to you!

Parachute Arrows: For when you’re falling from an extraordinary height (let’s say your arrow-jet is exploding or you tripped and fell out of a space station.)

Umbrella Arrows: For when you’re falling out of an exploding aircraft and you used up all your parachute arrows last week.

Recording Arrows: Shoot these into a villains lair and, if he somehow doesn’t notice an arrow embedded in his wall, you can learn lots of juicy bad guy gossip.

Skeleton Key Arrows: Use these to pick any lock or just shoot a bad guy’s face with one, I’m sure it’ll still hurt.

Glass Arrow: This one isn’t really so much of a weapon. It’s actually an award you got from the Archer’s Society of America but hey, if some bad guy breaks into your hideout and this is the closest arrow to you I’m sure it can still be used as an effective distraction if nothing else.

Recyclable Arrows: To fight climate change.

Converting-Arrow: This arrow is actually a small shape-changing robot named Flint Head and he is very eager to be launched at bad guy. He’s such an adorable little go-getter!

Time-Warp Arrows: These arrows can be shot back in time if you really wanna kill a dinosaur or shatter the time stream.

Valentines Arrows: These romantic projectiles have arrowheads shaped like hearts for when you have a kind of love/hate thing going on with your nemesis.

A Plunger: Just a regular plunger. Always keep one in your quiver just in case.

Infecto-Arrow: This arrow carries a deadly pathogen that you can use to infect enemies that you want to extract information from.

Antidote Arrow: This arrow holds the cure to the deadly pathogen you’ve weaponized. Use it to save your enemy after getting the information you need.

Now, I know we’ve given archers a bad rap in the past, and it’s because they’re just so silly. But I guess they’re really no more silly than the guy who can turn his upper body into that of a shark (gills and all) or the guy who talks to monkeys but doesn’t use that power to fight crime, just to chat, and both Amphin and Dr. Gibbon are members of superhero teams, so really who are we to judge. Also, they’re usually excellent marksmen and that’s always something that’s good to have around. Plus, if you follow all of our advice here (archers should always wear sleeves, all heroes should really have sleeves but for some reason a lot of archers go without them. Don’t do this, your arms are not bullet proof, also it’s cold) you can become a respected arching superhero striking fear into the hearts of all the snow monsters and Russian spies with guns for arms that you come across.

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eichy815 · 5 years

Text

Twitter, Twitter, Little Star IV: Summer 2017 Edition

Originally Published on July 20, 2017 on Eichy Says

By now, most of you know that I’m a connoisseur of ABC’s The View and CBS’s The Talk – two daytime gabfests hosted by quintets of opinionated women from various celebrity walks-of-life. When they open up their daily discussion topics to receive feedback from at-home viewers, I view it as an exercise in contributing to social commentary and pop culture.

The following are statements made by me over social media throughout the last two-and-a-half months, retweeted by the shows’ producers. Following my “Spring 2017 Edition,” here are 103 tweets of mine – disseminated through my Twitter handle of @eichy815 – displayed in front of millions of other Americans who also enjoy The Talk and The View. The text of each of my tweets, as each one of them had appeared in front of a national television audience, is denoted in bold.

The first 11 are my tweets broadcast by The View during this two-month period.

**************************************************

May 4, 2017

What’s your reaction to Ben Carson saying we can’t make government-run housing too “comfortable” for its occupants because that would encourage them to become dependant?

“Carson is in way over his head. Trump should have appointed him as Surgeon General, instead.”

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May 5, 2017

Is infidelity normal in a marriage?

“If a married couple sets boundaries and leeway for one another upfront, it can mitigate future disconnects over infidelity.”

Do you think teenagers should go to their parents for dating advice?

“Most teenagers are going to prefer dating advice from an older sibling, uncle/aunt, cousin, or family friend, rather than a parent.”

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MAY 8, 2017

Did Kurt Eichenwald’s health care comments (where he wished for suffering upon Republicans and their families) go too far?

“We need to get past this type of thinking, and, instead, push a solution that’s going to benefit a larger and broader amount of Americans.”

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MAY 17, 2017

Miley Cyrus regrets getting naked for her Wrecking Ball video. Do you agree that her humiliation is justified?

“She has nothing to be embarrassed about. She’s a performer, and it was iconic.”

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MAY 30, 2017

Are comedians dividing the country politically?

“No, I would blame the citizens who use cheap rhetoric from comedians as an excuse to mistreat fellow Americans in daily life.”

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JUNE 12, 2017

Are women treated differently in the workplace while they’re pregnant?

“There should be no shame in pregnancy at any workplace.”

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JUNE 19, 2017

What do you think of family wedding planner Lynn Patton being appointed by Trump as HUD department head for the New York and New Jersey divisions?

“This isn’t technically nepotism...but it’s too close to cronyism.”

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JUNE 21, 2017

What should Democrats begin doing differently to win elections?

“Democrats need to redirect their money and efforts into swing districts held by vulnerable Republicans.”

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JUNE 26, 2017

Former tennis star John McEnroe said that Serena Williams is a great tennis player “for a girl” but would rank 700th amongst male tennis players. Your reaction?

“Disregarding and discounting someone else’s skill BECAUSE OF their sex *is* the clearest definition of sexism. Shut up, John!”

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JULY 11, 2017

Do you agree with Republican poll respondents who say colleges and universities are harmful to our children?

“They assume all professors are unbalanced liberals. College professors are a little more diverse than they’d like to believe.”

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And then, here are 92 additional tweets of mine – once again, submitted through my Twitter handle of @eichy815 – that scrolled across the screen while the ladies of The Talk engaged in their discussion segments. Each tweet of mine is denoted in bold.

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MAY 2, 2017

An inebriated American man on a Tokyo-to-Los Angeles flight was charged with assault for brawling with another passenger. How do you deal with drunks?

“I am really nice to them and humor them...until someone with actual defensive weapons shows up as reinforcements.”

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MAY 3, 2017

What do you think of Maryland parents Heather and Mike Martin losing custody of their children and stepchildren after posting a cruel prank on social media?

“I think it’s a good precaution in the short term, until their parental fitness can be reevaluated.”

Have you ever needed your friends to prevent you from contacting someone?

“I often need my friends to ‘talk me off the ledge’ whenever I let a toxic individual get to me.”

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MAY 4, 2017

If you were a public figure who was accused of infidelity, would you use every platform available to deny it?

“Yes, I would! Tabloids have so many legal loopholes at their disposal, you have to fight fire with dynamite.”

What other changes would you like to see happen in social media?

“Allow more personal control over privacy settings, including tutorials for new users.”

What do you think of the trend of recreating parent/child baby pictures?

“Some of them can be cute or clever, but it depends entirely upon their execution.”

What pacifiers have you used to run for your feelings?

“Food and television.”

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MAY 8, 2017

How harmful do you think it is to fight in front of your child?

“If the fight becomes heated and vicious – very unhealthy!”

What’s your reaction to Emma Stone advocating for gender-neutral acting award categories?

“If the character [who is] being portrayed is transgender or intersex, this can be a valuable new category to add to award shows.”

Should celebrities be expected to endure criticism for their fashion choices no matter what?

“I find criticisms of fashion – either celebrities or non-celebrities – to be frivolous and a waste of time, in general.”

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MAY 9, 2017

What’s your reaction to The National Enquirer claiming that Sharon Osbourne has only weeks to live from her back surgery?

“Own your upbeat vibrancy, Mrs. O.! Make them (the tabloids) look foolish!”

What do you think of the airport riot that broke out after a pilots’ strike on Spirit Air resulted in twenty cancellations and delays?

“Airlines *need* to have better contingency plans in place to deal with these unforeseen delays and cancellations.”

Do you think you would know what to do if you were attacked by an animal?

“This is why I support tranq-guns being legal for civilian use in every single state, city, town, and county.”

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MAY 11, 2017

How do you protect your personal life?

“I simply keep some people off of my social media networks, when I don’t want them to intersect with other areas of my life.”

Do you think drug users need help or jail time?

“Rehabilitation is the key – the earlier, the better! Preferably long-term.”

Has anyone ever made you feel really special?

“Yes. #TheTalk – every time you retweet one of my musings!”

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MAY 15, 2017

What nugget of wisdom would you like to pass along to the Class of 2017?

“I’d tell them to read Kirsten Gillibrand’s book, ‘Off the Sidelines’ – and to embrace some form of proactive civic engagement.”

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MAY 16, 2017

Do you consume a lot of caffeine?

“I’ve never been a heavy coffee or tea drinker...so not very much.”

What reality show is too hard for you to watch?

“Anything in the Real Housewives franchise...simply because I have no interest in their allegedly ‘real’ lives...”

How easy is it for you to lie?

“I generally don’t lie to people. I only tell a lie if there are crucial or strategic stakes involved.”

What’s your reaction to Abby Lee Miller saying she’s going to approach her upcoming prison sentence like she’s starring as the lead in a film?

“Is she prepared to be the star of a horror flick?”

Do you find it easy to relate to other people?

“I can relate the best to people who have levels of empathy and life philosophies that are most similar to mine.”

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MAY 17, 2017

Is there any decision you made during your youth that you’ll never be able to live down?

“Winning my school’s geography bee in the 5th Grade. It gave everyone an[other] excuse to harp on what a nerd I was.”

Zac Efron has announced he’ll be portraying Ted Bundy in a new movie set to begin filming later this year. Do you think former Disney kids need to do something drastic to shed their squeaky clean image?

“Zac is just challenging himself in terms of his range as an actor. No one should be compelled to remain typecast.”

A Texas man is suing his blind date for $17.31 for texting throughout their movie date. Have you ever had a bad date that you wanted to sue over?

“This is why every couple should always ‘go Dutch’ until their relationship is official – *ESPECIALLY* if it’s a blind date.”

Alan Thicke’s widow is trying to invalidate their prenup and sue for a larger portion of their estates with threats of going to the tabloids. Do you think there’s always family drama after someone dies?

“Tanya Callau’s alleged behavior illustrates the need for ‘living wills’ and ‘family planning’ when it comes to estates.”

**************************************************

MAY 18, 2017

Tom Brady had a concussion last year even though he didn’t report it. Has a family member of yours ever let something slip?

“Yes...health circumstances that they were trying to conceal from me.”

A fight broke out over saved seats at an Arlington High School graduation ceremony in Memphis, Tennessee. Have you ever had a fight over a saved seat?

“One or two saved seats is fine. A whole row of ‘saved seats’ is ridiculous.”

Taylor Swift went to great lengths to keep her romance with Joe Alwyn a secret. Are you surprised this was kept under wraps for so long?

“If she’s a private person, I can understand why she wanted to keep it under wraps.”

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MAY 22, 2017

What was your reaction to Cher’s acceptance of her icon award at this year’s Billboard Music Awards?

“I hope Cher continues speaking out about humanitarian causes.”

What would you do if you found yourself in a situation like Michelle Jennings did where Lyft customer Stephanie Young spit on her?

“Depending on who the spitter was, I might actually spit back!”

What do you think of the little girl who was dragged into a Canadian harbor by a sea lion?

“Those animal preserves should probably begin building guard rails as an extra precaution against unpredictable wildlife.”

What are your thoughts on George and Amal Clooney being reluctant to suggest names for their unborn twins in public due to fear of criticism?

“George and Amal should choose names that are meaningful to them, which they believe their children will appreciate.”

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MAY 24, 2017

In the wake of the Manchester terror attack, should artists cancel their shows?

“No, there are other ways for artists to show their support and solidarity without canceling their own concerts.”

Do you think Kim Kardashian’s and Madonna’s posts in support of Ariana Grande were acceptable or narcissistic?

“Madonna is the same one who made the comment about ‘blowing up the White House’...I take her opinions with a grain of salt.”

Should Brian Kornbluth still be allowed to teach after his ‘candy-for-kisses’ crime?

“I do wonder if we all would be reacting as harshly if it had been a *female* teacher trading ‘candy-for-kisses’...”

Do you give money to panhandlers?

“Nope. I have no way of knowing what their identities are...or what they might do.”

**************************************************

MAY 25, 2017

Do you think Zac Efron hooked up with Madonna based on his Jimmy Kimmel interview?

“It sounds like he was trying to utilize a clever double entendre, not speaking literally.”

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JUNE 5, 2017

What’s your reaction to Phylicia Rashad and Keshia Knight-Pulliam supporting Bill Cosby during his current trial?

“They are delusional.”

Tiger Woods has been booked for a DUI after having four different types of painkillers in his system. Are you more forgiving when someone drinks under the influence of alcohol?

“They still need to be punished, and they should also be screened to make sure it isn’t an addiction.”

Do you expect people who have a lot, in terms of wealth, to give a lot to others?

“Wealthy people should have the discretion to give (or not give) to whichever causes and endeavors they personally support.”

What’s your reaction to the mega-success of the new Wonder Woman movie?

“I hope it means more female superheroines, and increased multidimensional roles for female leads in films and TV.”

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JUNE 6, 2017

Do you think your social media account should affect other aspects of your life?

“If you type controversial things in public forums online, you need to expect to be held accountable for what you say.”

Do you think people are born with talent or have to develop it?

“It’s a combination of both. Talent can be inborn or cultivated over time.”

Have you ever gone ahead and done something you knew you’d be judged for?

“I always speak my mind, knowing full well that I have a lot of radical beliefs that not many people agree with.”

**************************************************

JUNE 8, 2017

Do you believe the recent fall that Phil Collins was hospitalized for is related to his recent alcoholism revelation?

“There’s a difference between whether it was a random accident or some sort of chronic medical ailment.”

Should Michelle Carter be convicted of involuntary manslaughter for her role in the suicide of Conrad Roy III?

“If there’s evidence that she actively goaded him into it, she needs to be held legally liable.”

**************************************************

JUNE 12, 2017

Do you think Bachelor in Paradise was right to shut down production in the wake of sexual misconduct allegations between two of the participants?

“No, they should have simply ejected all participants who were perpetrators of the alleged misconduct.”

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JUNE 13, 2017

Do you think Megyn Kelly’s interview with Alex Jones should air as planned, or be scrapped?

“Megyn Kelly doesn’t appear to have journalistic bias on this one, so I’d say the interview is fine.”

Do you think Bill Cosby helped his case or hurt his case by not taking the stand?

“It may not hurt him, but I doubt it will help him either. The damage has already been done.”

**************************************************

JUNE 14, 2017

In the event of a house fire, do you have a firm exit plan?

“Fire is one of my greatest phobias. If I was in a house fire, I might panic and perish.”

When was the last time you got excited about something?

“I get excited any time a politician’s office responds to one of my civic activism letters.”

Did your parents do anything to document memories of you, as a kid?

“They kept baby books and school picture ‘trees’ for both me and my sister.”

Do you see marijuana replacing alcohol as the preferred vice for Millennials?

“Anything can be abused. With any so-called ‘vice,’ the key is moderation.”

Do you think you’re too old to go to the club?

“I don’t dance. I’ve never even set foot inside of a nightclub.”

**************************************************

JUNE 19, 2017

Does Bill Cosby’s mistrial restore Cosby’s legacy?

“Nope. His legacy is tainted forever, unless he admits his wrongdoing.”

What do you think is the appropriate sentence for Michelle Carter?

“The maximum sentence, with no chance of parole until 2028.”

What reasons have you had for a breakup?

“Emotional abuse and geographic limitations.”

Are there any parts of your life where you’ve taken on two roles?

“When it comes to politics, I’m both an agitator and a conciliator. And I'm pretty good at it, too!”

**************************************************

JUNE 20, 2017

What’s your reaction to Kim Kardashian receiving backlash for a photo promoting her new beauty line that prompted accusations of imitating blackface?

“Kim wasn’t trying to parody or joke about racial oppression. Calling it ‘cultural appropriation’ is a stretch...”

What is your reaction to the news that Carrie Fisher’s autopsy showed cocaine, heroin, and ecstasy in her system when she died?

“It just goes to show that, even with their celebrity privilege, public figures aren’t immune from the downfall of addiction.”

Is there anything you’ll be better at when you’re 70 years old?

“Probably networking and socializing – since I’m confident I’ll have advanced in prestige by then.”

**************************************************

JUNE 26, 2017

Do you put your trust in amusement park rides?

“I generally prefer slower, more serene rides. StoryBookLand Canals, anyone? #DisneyStrong”

Do you think the professor who ripped into Otto Warmbier should have been fired?

“I think students should boycott her course. Katherine Dettwyler is one hateful individual...”

**************************************************

JUNE 27, 2017

What do you think of people socially-shaming Kim Kardashian for photographing her son, Saint, in a forward-facing car seat?

“Maybe they should quit spending so much of their time viewing Kim’s social media feed, instead?”

A coroner misidentified a dead body by using facial recognition photography. What do you think?

“Wouldn’t responsible and accurate DNA-testing eliminate false identification when performing autopsies?”

Do you think it’s reasonable to ask a woman to have a bra be part of her work uniform?

“It should be a woman’s choice, period – as long as she isn’t showing nipples at work.”

Are you in touch with why you were created?

“I believe I was put on this planet to avert disasters and to help humanity advance forward. So were many other people.”

**************************************************

JUNE 28, 2017

Do you keep tabs on your exes?

“No, not really. Too many painful memories.”

Has any part of you improved with age?

“My mind...including my ability to think on my feet, and to generate witty verbal comebacks.”

Which style of parenting do you think is most effective?

“A holistic combination of discipline, compassion, and evenhandedness is usually ideal.”

How nosy are you?

“I’m a chronic eavesdropper. #SorryNotSorry”

When’s the last time a family member was upset with something you said?

“I think whenever I call them out on their inanity...they get upset that they don’t have a better defense of their own.”

**************************************************

JUNE 29, 2017

Do you think Christine Braswell should have been charged with a misdemeanor assault for running down her alleged purse snatcher, Robert Raines, in the North Carolina parking lot of a Wal-Mart with her car?

“Only the thief should be charged. It was self-defense.”

Have you ever replaced one vice with another?

“Yes, I’ve replaced sadness with anger.”

Following the entrapment of Denielle Backstrom in her Colorado Springs garage by a wild bear, are you concerned that bears are getting more and more comfortable with human contact?

“I would have gotten the hell out of there and called animal control.”

After the fatal “prank-shooting” of Pedro Ruiz – while his pregnant girlfriend, Monalisa Perez, assisted – do you think people are too desperate for social media *LIKES* and followers?

“Anytime someone orchestrates a prank, they need to take reasonable safety precautions. This woman clearly didn’t.”

Who was your first celebrity crush?

“Erik von Detten”

Do you think Adele is really saying goodbye to touring?

“She may just need a break or a longer hiatus. She reserves the right to change her mind again, down the road.”

**************************************************

JULY 10, 2017

Do you think Rob Kardashian should be charged under California revenge porn law?

“Yes, although there should be a difference between commercial-based reparations versus punitive awards for malicious intent.”

Should Green Day have been told when one of their acrobats fell to his death right before their live concert?

“Yes, it was their right to know.”

Would catching your mate cheating automatically ruin your relationship, or could you work through it?

“Maybe the relationship could be repaired...but it would depend on all the circumstances leading up to it.”

**************************************************

JULY 11, 2017

Do you care how long prior to his relationship with Jennifer Garner that Ben Affleck had been seeing his current girlfriend?

“This just shows how ridiculous it is for the peanut gallery to be gossiping about celebrities’ love lives in the first place.”

Have you ever been bothered by loud sex?

“I’ve overheard roommates engaging in sex, but I felt amusement moreso than annoyance.”

What are your thoughts on the male worker who was asked to remove his makeup on the job?

“It’s only an appropriate workplace rule if applied to both sexes equally.”

**************************************************

JULY 12, 2017

Have you ever tried to help someone who didn’t want your help?

“Yes...but if someone isn’t ready to confront making changes in their life, there’s no reasonable way to force them.”

How easily do you give up?

“If it’s something that ignites my anger or an intense passion in me, I’ll never give up. Ever.”

What do you think of Kendall and Kylie Jenner using images without permission on their new T-shirt line?

“They still need to make restitution if they commercially profited from someone else’s unauthorized image.”

How do you think trash-talking affects an athlete’s performance?

“It can be a cathartic release of adrenaline...or it can inflate the athlete’s ego. Depends on the individual competitor.”

Is there anything you’ve vowed you will never do?

“I will never use the TSA airport body scanners, because I’m claustrophobic. Plus, it’s degrading. #PatMeDownPlease”

**************************************************

JULY 13, 2017

What do you think of Chip Gaines’s man-bun on Instagram?

“Shaming men for our hairstyles or hair length is just another variation of gender discrimination. Enough with the gender roles!”

When did you become okay with yourself?

“When I realized that too many people won’t go along with positive change unless you force their hand.”

**************************************************

See you all again in the fall, for more tweeting!

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kooshmeister · 5 years

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Carnivore by Leigh Clark

Hot blonde representative for the Environmental Protection Agency Kelly Sawyer is sent to Deepcore Station in the antarctic, which, despite ostensibly being an American installation, is run by a crazy Russian named Colonel Valentine Tarosh who has a whole squad of Makarov-toting douchebags with scary European-sounding names at his disposal. Hunky man's man Troy Darrow and his best buddy Jack Raines have discovered a dinosaur egg frozen in the ice. Nobody likes Kelly, who has arrived because the egg was technically found in a section of Antarctica that's international, and therefore she's there to ensure it is preserved for the scientific interests of all nations, not just the US' (I was unaware the EPA did this sort of thing, but whatever). Despite her insisting that they study the egg where it is, Tarosh and chief scientist Dr. Lyle Burke dig it out and bring it back to Deepcore where it promptly hatches into a baby Tyrannosaurus rex. Kelly is surprised it hatched so quickly, and then discovers the reason for it; the US government is using Deepcore as a cover to dispose of nuclear waste, which they're burying thousands of feet under the ice. Now Tarosh and Dr. Burke want to infuse the baby T-rex with more radiation to make it grow bigger and bigger so they can study it or something. Even though she's not a biologist or a paleontologist, they insist Kelly handle its care and feeding. She's so enamored with this discovery she has seals killed so that their meat can be fed to the rapidly-growing beast. So much for protecting the environment. But when it bites the finger off of cook Mendoza, Burke suddenly begins wondering if making it continue to grow bigger is such a good idea and wants to call the whole thing off. So Tarosh does the only sensible thing and blows him away consequence-free, because of course a former Soviet agent running a US base that's illegally dumping radioactive waste in the antarctic can murder his staff without any blowback. Nobody really considers this too out of the ordinary except Kelly; apparently blatant murder is the norm for US antarctic research stations. Tarosh has decided to make the dinosaur grow to full size, then transport it back to the US so he can profit off of it somehow. He radios the mainland and says Burke committed suicide and Kelly died in a tragic accident, forcing the captive EPA agent to take care of the rapidly-growing T-rex more or less at gunpoint and ignoring everything she and Troy Darrow say. A big cargo plane is flown in along with a security expert friend of Tarosh's who brings a tranquilizer gun. The plan is tranq the dino and put him on the plane. It goes tits-up, the security guy gets killed, the dinosaur escapes, and becomes an unstoppable killing machine who can do everything, always succeeds at pursuing and killing everything it targets, is bulletproof, can leap through the air and take down airplanes and helicopters, and survive living in subzero temperatures for extended periods of time. Tarosh goes full Captain Rhodes, terrorizing the base's staff and forcing them to assist him in his plan to recapture the thing. Despite him having only a handful of loyal fellow Russians, the some forty or fifty odd Deepcore personnel are spineless wimps who obey his every tyrannical whim. Each plan to recapture the thing fails, and multiple attacks against the buildings eventually whittle the personnel down to just Kelly, Troy, Troy's friend Jack, Tarosh, his goons Zalman, Belin and Provkov, Mendoza the cook and a few other nobodies. A plane is sent to find out why Deepcore hasn't been sending progress reports, and Tarosh plans to get the T-rex out on it, but his plan goes awry; despite successfully recapturing the Tyrannosaurus using Kelly as bait (during which Zalman is killed), the dumbshits left to guard it let it get away. Belin and another guy get the plane destroyed by trying to hide behind it; the plane runs over the one guy, and then takes off with Belin hanging onto the landing gear. He loses his grip and falls. The T-rex leaps into the sky and brings the plane down because it's indestructible and can do anything and everything. Obtaining Zalman's Makarov, Kelly, Troy and Jack decide to escape along with Troy's faithful half-wolf sled dog who is of course named Wolf. Belin, who survived his fall somehow, shoots at them with a Weatherby rifle and kills Jack, then gets eaten by the Tyrannosaurus. Tarosh and Provkov get Mendoza and the last remaining Deepcore personnel and reveals he has one particular roid-rage Russian sled dog he calls Grushka. He declares that Kelly and Troy are deserters and must be pursued into the arctic wilderness. Troy is to be killed, while he has "other plans" for Kelly, who he hates for "trying to act like a man," implying he intends to rape her. Mendoza and the others are surprisingly on board with this because everyone in this book is either an idiot or a sadist. Chase, chase, chase, blah, blah, blah, Mendoza gets hurt when shooting at Kelly and Troy causes an avalanche, so Tarosh mercy kills him. Nobody cares much. Grushka turns against his ostensible masters and mauls a guy. Troy tries to do something stupid and gets caught. Provkov moves to shoot him but Clark swipes the "there's a gunshot and the hero thinks he's been hit but then the shooter falls dead revealing the love interest behind him with gun raised" thing from every movie ever. The T-rex attacks, kills the guy Grushka mauled, then finally does us all a favor and bites Tarosh in half. Finally. Good riddance. Kelly, Troy and the final surviving guy, Benson, try to make for a Russian outpost, but Benson dies in another Tyrannosaur attack. Only our two leads and, I think, Wolf the dog make it and are evacuated in a helicopter. As for the T-rex, the ice its standing on breaks free and it drifts away into the arctic ocean like the monster at the end of Frankenstein.

I can’t remember what happened to Grushka and I don’t care. The End.

#Carnivore #Leigh Clark #dinosaur #book #book review #horror #science fiction #Tyrannosaurus rex

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