#tbh but so far i had been reading on like oh jack how much more crazier can you get? i am enjoying your downfall lmao | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

frenziedslashers · 1 year

Note

I hope you get the switch issue sorted out and it just needs a new memory card or something :( I'd love HCs or a oneshot with Handsome Jack, maybe with a reader who's a medic who takes care of his scars and mask? SFW or NSFW or both, whatever you're feeling.

Thank you, I appreciate your support man. It is so far downloading Borderlands: The Pre-sequel alright. So I am crossing my fingers that it at least works at redownloading that game since I was working on a rerun with it and would hate to have to wait until I could get a new memory card to replay it 😭 thank you for the request too, though! I am absolutely living off the fact that there are still people on here who read borderlands stuff. I have really missed this fandom tbh <3

This may be pretty ooc for Handsome Jack. I never write for him, but I was in a fluffy sort of mood so I hope you enjoy Anon :)

Taking Care of Handsome Jack:

He never really let anyone touch him, before or after he became Handsome Jack. The thought of getting too close to someone and having them slip through his fingers like everyone else in his life hurt him, it really did. He just chose not to let anyone know that. I mean, he was supposed to be a feared man, showing any sign of weakness would surely get him demoted to Pandoras most feared, to Pandoras Softest Villain.

But there you were, sitting next to him on the floor of his home, a first aid kit strewn out on the floor before the both of you. "You know, I could tend to these wounds a lot better if you let me take you to my station and clean these with proper equipment. Unless scars are today's form of tattoo, it almost seems like it." You fussed while working away at bandaging up his arm.

"And let someone see that I'm not made of steel and that I bleed? Yeah, fat chance, princess." You rolled your eyes at the pet name. "Why do you trust that I won't tell the world that the all-great and powerful Jack bleeds blood like the rest of us?" You asked him, peeking up at him through your lashes with a small smirk before looking back down to tend to his wounds. "Oh, I just know you won't" he hummed, his other hand moving to rest on your thigh. "I feel like you get cockier each time I come here," "Call it confidence, dolly." He cooed with a snicker, though that quickly faded when you pressed on one of his cuts just right. A hiss left the man's lips, glaring over at you as you tried to hide a smile. "Sorry. "

He watched you for a few more moments until you leaned back, declaring your work finished as you looked over the mans body one last time. At least from what you could see of it. "Like what you see?" He asked you, and you rolled your eyes for what felt like the fiftieth time tonight. "I'm just checking over to make sure you didn't get shot anywhere else. Remember last time?" "God, don't remind me." He groaned.

Last time you did have to take him to your place of work. He had gotten shot in the back, literally, and hardly noticed until his adrenaline wore off. If it weren't for your second inspection and you seeing the blood he would have been a dead man. He never even said thank you for it, either.

"Well?" He asked, and you nodded your head. Eyes moving back up to meet his. Smiling softly back at him. "Looks good, handsome." You teased with a smirk. "Well then come here, gorgeous," he sniggered, pulling you closer to him by your hips. Moving you to rest over his lap. "Has anyone ever told you how hard to get you are?" You sighed, leaning forward a bit, "humor me." This wasn't the first time the two of you had done something like this. It started to become a common occurrence each time he called you to come to his house and patch him up. Some days you wondered if he was putting himself in the line of fire just so he could see you. You didn't think that much into it, though. The last thing you needed was the thought of Handsome Jack actually liking you for more than just your body and easy help. He was ruthless and cared about no one. At least that's what you were always told and assumed.

He sighed back, leaning forward to rest his chin on your chest, staring up at you with a smug expression. It was an awkward angle to stare back down at him, but it made you smile nonetheless. "I think that's what I like about you most." He hummed, "That and the fact that you save me about once a week, and god damn do you fuck really well." He partially joked and you groaned. There he went ruining the moment that you were starting to think was actually really sweet.

"Is that all I am? A toy?" You truly didn't care what the answer would be from the man, you were more so just playing along. But something behind his eyes told you that it struck a chord with him. His brows furrowing together. "Why the hell would you say that?" Well, that wasn't entirely the response you were expecting. Jack leaned back so the both of you were able to look at one another properly.

"Well, you only ever contact me when your bloody and bruised, and then we screw around, and I leave. Sorry, I was just playing around." You confessed, and he shook his head. "Have you ever thought about the fact that a call works both ways? You never call me, I call you for help because it's the only time you'll come and see me. I asked you to come over on three other occasions and each time you said you were busy. You only ever come if I'm dying, I can't believe you think so little of me." He spat, pushing you away from him. This wasn't like him, the sudden emotional change made your heartache. You felt horrible for making him upset. Then again, a part of you expected him to start laughing and point out the look on your face.

He wasn't lying though, he had asked you to come over three other times. Two of those times you assumed was just for sex, but the third time, thinking back on it now with the way he worded it. He did really just want to see you, even if he was drunk and you could tell.

"Jack, I don't think little of you," you tried to reassure him, and he scolded you. "Oh, yet you thought I was just using you as a fuck toy? Yeah, I enjoy it, but that's not who I am. I'm a lot of things, and I've done a lot of sick, idiotic things, but I'm not a user," he frowned, his eyes still focused on you. You could tell he was pissed, betrayed, hurt. You didn't know what you could do to make it up to him, and that's when you saw it. The blood dripping down his mask that made your chest clench in panic.

"Jack, did you hit your head today?" You asked all while leaning forward. "Oh, now you think I hit my head because I'm showing emotions? I'm not a fucking lunatic," he hissed, and you ignored him. Reaching out to touch the face of his mask. Pulling it back to show him the blood on your fingers. "Why are you bleeding from your head, Jack?" You asked with a stern expression. A bit upset he was ignoring the fact that he was still hurt.

"Oh shit," he muttered. Reaching up to touch the blood himself. Slight panic setting into himself. The last thing he needed was a concussion, or something worse. His head did hurt a little, but he didn't think it was that bad. "How many fingers am I holding up?" You asked while holding three fingers up for him. He pouted a bit, "Jack," you stated sternly. "Fine, three." "Good," you hummed, reaching into your bag for a light. "I'm going to shine my light on your eyes to make sure your pupils dilate properly, is that okay?" "Whatever you have to do, doc."

You completed the tests that you had to to make sure he was alright. Though you did suggest he take a concussion test, you knew he wouldn't. He was too stubborn to admit that he had one. Lucky for him you were sure it wasn't too severe if he did have one. "You call me if you start feeling worse, okay Jack?" He sighed as you mothered him. Closing his eyes while you worked on checking the wound through his thick hair. Minus the wound itself, he liked the feeling of you taking care of him. It made him feel normal in a sense. Like you were his loving partner, taking care of him after he got hurt at work, but he knew now that wouldn't be a thing. Or at least he assumed. You seemed to have higher expectations, or at least ones that weren't named Handsome Jack.

"Is it bad?" You shrugged. "Sort of? I suggest taking a shower before I stitch it up." You told him, moving some of his hair that fell onto his forehead. "Can you join me?" You frowned a bit, "Come on, just make sure I don't fall and die. Because if I die, I'm leaving you Hyperion as payback." He quipped, and you let out a groan. He knew you hated working for the place, let alone the thought of owning it. You were a medic, not a business person.

You knew that Jack was playing his games again. The moment the both of you got into the bathroom for him to take a shower he asked if you could join him in it. "As in without any clothes?" "I mean unless you want to shower with clothes on, what are you, crazy?" Jack asked with furrowed brows as he worked at removing his shirt. Turning around so his back was to you to allow you to remove your own clothes. Which did shock you a little. It did give you the chance to look over his back wound though. It was healing up nicely, just as you presumed.

"Alright," You hummed, opening the door so he could step in, you following after. Shutting the door behind the both of you.

The whole shower was quiet, besides the water that echoed in your ears. A nonstop stream that was almost comforting. His eyes were either on your face or the wall behind you the whole time while you helped him clean his hair and body. Giving you the opportunity to make sure he had no other marks hiding from you.

"Thank you," you froze up. God, you were sure you were wrong and this man had the worse concussion you had ever seen before. First, he practically told you he had feelings for you, and now he was thanking you? After nearly eight months of you helping him out like this? "You're welcome." You didn't question it, it was nice having him thank you for your service for once. You did practically do all of it for free. It was the least he could do, even if he was technically your boss.

It wasn't long before the both of you were exiting the shower. Drying off and changing. Jack had a spare set of clothes for you. Most of the time it was the clothes that you left behind, but this time it was clothes you had never seen before. "Are they your size? I picked them out myself. It's an apology for ripping your shirt last time." He told you with a smug grin. He was still proud of that, but you didn't even have the time to be mad at him. They were your size, and the fabric was the type that you liked and that didn't bother your skin. "Yeah, these are great, thank you, Jack." You smiled back at him, and he nodded. Pulling his shirt back over his head after tugging his pants up his legs.

"See, I'm not so unthoughtful, am I?" He asked with a brow raised, sitting on the edge of his bed while watching you head back into the other room after getting changed. He knew you were just grabbing your supplies to bring them in there. He trusted you, after all.

When you did come back, he scooted back so he was leaned back against the head board. Waiting for you to come over and attend to what you both hoped was his final wound. "So," you started as you dug out the supplies to patch up his scalp. "If I'm not a toy, what am I? Or... What are we?" You asked, glancing at his eyes before working on his head.

He was quiet for a while. Long enough that it had you worried, but each time you looked down at his face he was staring at you like he was thinking. Thinking long and hard about his next words. Really, he was praying that you would know without him having to say anything. "Truthfully, I don't even know." He told you, and you frowned a bit. There it was, you got your hopes up just a bit and you were brought back down.

"Well, I know what I want," Jack told you, a small laugh leaving his chest. "I always know what I want, it's what I'm best at. I want you. I want you by my side when I take down the Vault Hunters and open the Vault on Pandora." You stopped your work, staring at him with wide eyes. He had to be joking, right?

"What do you mean, by your side? Like as your medic?" You stammered a bit, pulling your hands away and Jack took this as a chance to grab your hands, pulling them close to him. A crazy glint in his eyes that worried you a little. "Well, that too, but as my partner. My other half. I want you as mine, and I really thought I made that damn clear with you being the only person I ever screw around with. I mean, I let you leave hickeys on me, you think I'd let just anyone do that?" He laughed, and you felt your insides turning. You were scared he was going to start laughing at you if you said you wanted all of that too, I mean. It wasn't like you didn't like him. You liked him quite a bit, actually. You always just pushed those feeling away.

"Are you making fun of me? This is a joke isn't it?" He could see the worry on your face, and it frustrated him. "What part of I like you do you not fucking understand?" He snapped, squeezing your hands a little tighter, and that made you flinch, your eyes and jaw squeezing shut. He regretted his actions, wishing he didn't let his anger get the best of him, but it was just who he was.

He released the grip on your hands. Letting them go completely so he could reach up to cup the sides of your face. "Look at me," he wanted to see your eyes. "Hey, look at me, please?" He asked, rubbing your cheek bones as he waited for your eyes to open. When they did finally flutter open he smiled. A smile that seemed almost too genuine for Handsome Jack. It scared you a little, really.

"Look, I'm sorry I yelled. I just don't understand why you can't trust me. I've been nothing but good to you, haven't I? If I did anything wrong, tell me now." He spoke, and you shook your head. "You didn't do anything wrong." He nodded his head, "Then what is it?" You stared back at him for a second while you thought of what you wanted to say. You didn't want to confuse or frustrate him any more than he already was. "I just don't get it." He furrowed his brows, "Everyone told me you were some heartless bastard who didn't care about no one. So I always just assumed you were using me. I never told anyone about me coming over to help us, or the time that we shared, but the rumors that people spread about them. I believed a lot of them." "Why?" He asked, looking a little wounded. "I guess I just never expected you to like a nobody like me." He sighed, pulling you close to him so he could wrap his arms around you. "Yeah, well I guess I'm just full of surprises." You shrugged, resting your head on his shoulder. "You really are, Jack." No one would believe you if you told them you were sleeping with Handsome Jack anyways, but you were glad to know you were hopefully the only one. If you could even believe him.

"I always just assumed you would want someone like Moxxi," "And have my heart broken again? No way, baby. Plus, you take better care of me, and you let me spoil you without having to flaunt it to the world." You smiled a little, he did spoil you. A lot more than you liked, actually. You always felt like he owed you back each time he would buy you the new supplies you needed and wanted for work or just the little things you wanted for yourself. No matter how much he assured you, you always wanted to pay him back somehow.

Your silence made him a little antsy, giving your hip a light squeeze. "Does this mean you'll be mine, and just mine?" He asked with a grin, and you smiled a bit back yourself. "Yeah, only if you let me make earlier up to you." You stated, beginning to place all of your appliances back into your bag while Jack settled down onto the bed. "Baby, when have I ever denied you?"

#Handsome Jack x reader #Handsome Jack #borderlands

142 notes · View notes

batsarebetterthanpeople · 2 years

Note

one of my pet peeves for modern aus is the ones where they make izzy ed's best friend or longtime friend because if ed's gonna have one... its jack. it's literally supported by canon. like put izzy and jack next to the revenge crew and your answer for who fits in better is jack, whose only crimes in the show were trying to pull ed away from stede and committing seagull murder (all of which to save ed in a plan IZZY made) im so salty about all the hate jack gets in fics

Oh for sure. My least favoriate thing ever is when people put Izzy in another character's position. Jack is Ed's buddy at the very least. Izzy is just a coworker. Jack is who Ed would choose to hang out with 100% of the time if his options are Jack or Izzy. Also if you're gonna give Ed a best friend who is antagonistic to his new boyfriend, Stede and Jack being mean to each other is so much more fun in my personal opinion because Stede is mean to Izzy and Izzy's head explodes and steam starts coming out of his ears like he's in a cartoon and he yells something incoherent, where as Jack and Stede can have a bitchy little back and fourth that leaves Jack crying for sympathy and Stede's self esteem buried six feet under. It truly is the dynamic ever.

I don't usually have a problem with Jack hate in fics actually because jack is hateable and there often needs to be a villain, and in Our Flag so far the roster of villains has been Izzy, Jack, and the interchangeable badminton twins. Maybe the rich french fuckers but I don't want to give them that much credit tbh. so you know he's one of three and a half bad guys so I get it. However! there is one trope that frustrates me, and I think the main reason that it frustrates me is because its a trope that I hate with all of my guts and is pernicious in the calicobeard tag and that is the idea that Ed and Jack's relationship was non-consentual. There are tons of reasons to hate him, you don't have to turn him into a rapist. That's my pet peeve and my line. Otherwise yeah he's a villain, good. I like it when he causes problems. It's my favorite thing.

That being said I do think he's the most easily rehabilitated villain out of every villain in ofmd (I'm only counting Nigel, Chauncey, Izzy, and Jack as villains.) Simply because he's a pirate that we frankly don't actually know that much about. We don't even know why he's doing this. Yeah Izzy probably slid him a slice of that sweet sweet navy money under the table, but for all we know Izzy had that meeting with Jackie and Chauncey, found Jack afterwards and went "Hey man, so me and Blackbeard are on the outs right now and he's got this new boyfriend who is being super hunted by the British navy, the boyfriend is a rich guy and I know how much you hate those. But anyway Blackbeard doesn't know that Stede is being hunted and I just told them where they can find them so somebody should probably go get Blackbeard out of there and it shouldn't be me, because he's mad at me right now." and Jack said "Oh my god, you made a deal with the british navy? I'm gonna love watching Blackbeard kick your ass when I bring him back here. I'm going to now go do some insane shit to save his life again. Yeah sure I'll make sure the boyfriend dies just so that Beardy doesn't run back and get his ass killed, but only if you slide me a few dubbies for my troubles." It's also possible that he's full chaotic evil joker mode and when Izzy told him the plan he went "Yeah alright, haven't seen Beardy in a while could be funny." We simply do not know. Is he destitute because he's been mutinied three times and he needs the money? Has he never been mutinied in his entire life and he's minted because he's Calico fucking Jack and he's just here for shits and giggles? I tend to go with the "he cares about Ed" reading because I want to fuck him, but it's up to you. His backstory is wide open baby. What we do know Ed likes him a lot actually, Ed cares about him and Stede getting along. We know he saved Ed's life, even if he does hold it over his head because he's a shit head(although how often he does that is also a question mark, there's so much blank space to work with with him, he can be anything you want him to be other than nice).

And you know what, until the thing with Karl the crew liked him too. The crew never liked Izzy, whatever Jack's got going on is way more compatible with the crew than Izzy, and yet I see all these fics and headcanons where the idea that Izzy will stick around after all of this is over is just taken for granted. But they could easily forgive Jack if he sucked Ed's dick, moonbathed with Buttons, and slid Olivia some birdseed because he's funny and cool and Ed's buddy. Where as Izzy can never ever be trusted in a million years, he was never fun to be around, and no one likes him. (I'm sure Jack and Ed have fucked each other over before, they're messy bitches.)

Now I don't think Jack's getting rehabilitated in cannon, in fact we're probably never gonna see him again. I'm hoping for a flashback but I won't hold my breath. It's part of why I'm writing I'm Not Going Anywhere. Because somebody needs to put this man through the st*ddyhands treatment and it's not gonna happen in the show, so it is the realm of fanfiction and no one else is doing it. Jack was fucking built for an enemies to lovers because he's the kind of man who stands too close to his romantic rival at the urinals to prove his dick is bigger. Enemies to lovers is incredibly fun to do with Jack and Izzy because Izzy is eminently bullyable and also the kind of guy belongs in one of those "don't bully me I'll cum" shirts, but it can also be fun to do with Stede "pissboots" Bonnet. I'm not sure if INGA is going that direction I haven't decided yet, but someone should do it post haste I'm so serious.

I don't necessarily want everyone to see him how I see him. I'm fine with being his only apologist. back in april the universe decided he'd gone long enough being the most hated character and decided he needed one apologist and it spun the wheel of OFMD fans and it landed on me and I became the public defender appointed to him. I am over worked and underpaid and he is a terrible client. I have made him take a plea deal on the Karl murder charge.

This has gotten unhinged thank you for letting me chew on Calico jack for like 25 minutes.

#Calico Jack apologia #ofmd #our flag means death #calico jack #calico jack ofmd #izzy hands #izzy critical #this post isn't actually izzy critical i just don't want fights in my notes for days to come

72 notes · View notes

transingthoseformers · 11 months

Text

Things I either didn't expect in MTMTE/LL canon or expected and didn't happen:

I expected that Rewind 1.0 would die a lot later in the series, and originally I thought "well, I didn't directly see Overlord kill Rewind so Rewind 2.0 must die later on!"

Drift was actually far more hippy dippy than i anticipated, but my previous perception of Drift was influenced by one of the first posts i saw about mtmte Drift criticizing his fanon portrayal as too hippy dippy (which? Honestly? The more i think about it years down the line makes very little sense to me?) Who knows maybe I wasn't paying attention enough

Honestly I expected to see more of Megatron in LL than we did tbh

I expected the whole "Rung is Primus?!?" Thing to be more dramatic, with Rung like. Suddenly turning into something more, or acting far differently, or //something// idk. But he just... stayed the same guy we knew, just with the memories now.

Didn't expect the entire double lost light situation revealing Brainstorm as a double agent went... or well the entire situation (see below)

Fr I didn't expect the whole "there were two ships from the original quantum jump" thing and that THAT'S where we got Rewind 2.0 from

Really I hadn't expected Cygate to be canonically shipped that hard like w

Before reading the comics I knew about jack shit about Lug and Anode besides the whole "transgender lesbians in the comics!!!" posts i kept seeing, and fr that was a gift that I got to know these two more

A lot of the Dark Cybertron Crossover stuff I was just like "wait so THAT'S what that was referring to!"

Originally I had thought Getaway was always part of the crew until the Tailgate stuff (tbh a lot of the Tailgate and Getaway stuff was stuff i vaguely knew about but didn't know how it would go down)

I KNEW JACK SHIT ABOUT CEREBROS/FORT MAX/RED ALERT!!! omggggg it was so fun to see because I mean we saw me say "oh fort max and red alert should be shipped more often" and then y'all came to the askbox saying that not only are they canon but canonically speaking Red Max and Cerebros are in a polycule which now that I realize it i might've saw art somewhere along the line? But well that would've been a long time ago before i knew much about the comics

Drift left earlier and was gone for longer than I expected, and it was fucking cool to see him and Ratchet just roll up onto the battle scene already married and shit.

Before I only knew three things about Sunder: His creepy as hell appearance, his connection with Froid, and that he was an autobot that flipped shit. I hadn't known that he had a brother, that he was a mnemosurgeon, that he had killed previous to arriving on the Lost Light, and among other things.

Again, I didn't know a whole lot about Thunderclash other than him being a swell guy and Rodimus hating him. We saw how I just kept repeatedly expecting him to die because let's be real I feel like introducing a character by saying "oh yeah! And he's dying!" Makes you expect him to die

#there's probably more #maccadam #transformers #transformers more than meets the eye #transformers lost light #all of these characters

18 notes · View notes

picnokinesis · 5 months

Note

Man, Grace’s postcript chapter really lured me into a false sense of security after the lore explosion that was the Doctor’s last chapter. Imagine my surprise to see that Ruth’s postscript continues to make ripples in the story’s world-building and features major parallels to the Doctor’s life?? Taka, if we didn’t have one more chapter in Part 6 I’d give you a bouquet of digital flowers for how impressed I’ve been w/ this part. The fact that Doctor has now appeared in two dreams is interesting and foreboding ngl, and Osgood considering the Doctor irritating surprised me w/ how big a fan she is of them in the show’s universe.

That said, originally I thought the last chapter would be Aaron or Jack, but now that Ruth dropped Koschei’s full name, I wonder… 🤔

Oh my days dude ahhh 😭💕 I read this last night but it was like 1am so I didn't reply but ahh!! Hahahaha I thought that people might be fooled by the chillness of Grace's chapter - I don't think anybody guess that Ruth would be the next pov! But man I'd been so excited to post that chapter for ages and ages, because it was the FIRST proper insight into Ruth's past and also the way she looks at the world (and also what she KNOWS...even though there was a lot that she didn't say hahah) but then yessss the parallels!! One of my favourite things to do with Ruth in this AU is parallel her with the Doctor - because in canon, ofc, they're the same person technically. But very, very different at the same time, and it's just fascinating to see the same character traits explored in a different way.

Regarding Osgood - she refers to the Doctor as 'irritating' more because it's Ruth who finds her excessively annoying, and will tell anyone who will listen about it kssksks. Osgood hasn't had the pleasure of meeting the Doctor in this au yet, but does definitely think she's kinda awesome. However, in this scene, she was trying to get through to Ruth after pulling her out of what was clearly a distressing enough nightmare that Osgood risked a bad reaction when Ruth woke up abruptly......so yeah, she was more appealing to Ruth there than anything else. But she has mostly heard about the Doctor second-hand. Ruth's descriptions has probably endeared Osgood to the Doctor more than put her off tbh SKSKSKSK bc she probably finds it hilarious how much Ruth is annoyed by her (Ruth does not often show that she is ruffled by someone so it's a unique experience sksksk. The irritation that Ruth feels/expresses is very much genuine - but also, as she said in the chapter, she often uses a bit of genuine feeling to mask over other feelings that she doesn't want anyone to know about....)

As for the last chapter....all I will say is that currently the fic is clocking in at 193,289 words. The total count for the au on my word document is....213,847 words. So there are....quite a lot of words in the next chapter HAHAHA

But ahhhhhhhhh DUDE literally this was so, SO lovely to find in my inbox, so thank you so much you are far too kind augh💕💕💕 I am just so delighted that everyone has enjoyed this part so much!!!

#taka replies #campervan au #wheresthewater

2 notes · View notes

mickgaydolenz · 2 years

Text

Okay so having finally watched Head with commentary (twice), I really wanted to just get down my thoughts and reactions because I am very normal about this movie and these people. I warn you this gets long and convoluted so feel free to ignore the shit out of this.

Overall (and I acknowledge that this could just be like PR or even editing of the commentary to make it appear as such) but they all seemed to be very complementary of each other, which warmed my heart immensely. Age really seems to have mellowed them all out, and even Davy seemed to be less biting than in a lot of interviews i’ve seen. I mean, Mike focuses waaaaay more on himself than anything, which is kind of hilarious, but he’s still very mellow.

I guess i’ll break it down by person??? Give some of the highlights???

Mike:

As we all know Mike had/has a bit of a crush on Jack Nicholson, and that is abundantly clear throughout. This dude is constantly talking about how smart and charismatic Jack was and how much he helped him as an actor, etc.

Mike on the surface is very hyper critical of himself in the movie, but I honestly read it more as him reflecting back on his inexperience??? So obviously as an adult Mike is far more educated in the whole production/acting/hollywood scene, so I think a lot of his commentary is just him being open about how little he really knew and how so much of his lack of knowledge left him very just confused by what he was supposed to be doing and what he could achieve as an actor.

Mike really fucking loved the can you dig it number/scene. He really, really, liked being around all those beautiful women. Probably the straightest thing i’ve ever heard in my life tbh.

Mike is very complimentary of Peter’s songs which is nice to hear. He actually says they are the best in the movie. I feel like no matter what differences they had, musically they did always respect each other.

And once again as we all know Mike really, desperately, wanted to do Daddy’s song. He sounds so genuinely disappointed that he didn’t get to do it, but he’s gracious in acknowledging that Davy did it very well.

Mike tells the story about how he was the one to call Victor Mature, which is always a good time.

Mike apparently had theatre experience????

Mike also talks about the assassination scene, and does a pretty good job of explaining desensitization. It did very much disturb him though.

Mike apparently wanted the movie to be even edgier than it was??? It seems like he really would have been happy if Head was a full blown horror movie. He talks about how Bob Rafelson had like a drawer of sharp objects they could have used in the movie, but Bob didn’t/wouldn’t fully commit to it.

Oh! Also a surprising note was how well versed Mike was about performance art?? I was very surprised to hear him talk about art in general to be frank??? Like for how little Mike professes to have known about film at that age, he sure seemed to know a lot about art and that just feels backwards to me???

Davy:

He’s pretty chill for most of the commentary honestly. Just seems to be having a good time.

Davy referring to Ditty Diego as white rap sends me.

Davy loves the clip of the woman dancing in the Victor Mature channel surfing scene.

Davy is very complimentary of Micky, which always warms my heart. Davy is actually pretty damn cordial about all the Monkees.

Davy is like hilariously blasé about the whole can you dig it scene.

He talks about his dog Sue -actually it’s really cute because that whole scene with him fake playing the violin he just keeps commenting about how his dog is going to appear.

Davy does a scottish accent???

He said working with Toni Basil was also very easy, although he wishes he hadn’t worn lifts in that scene.

He does mention having kept that big wool sweater, and he also mentions that apparently Michael Jackson bought the green mandarin collar shirt he wears in a movie memorabilia auction?????

He mentions that Bob Rafelson was apparently inspired by a lot of midnight movies, which he would watch regularly.

Oh! Davy was also one of the few that was onboard with making a very Monkees formula movie. He actually thought initially that that was what they were going to do, make a very zany, lighthearted, 90 minute episode.

Davy talks about how Micky could fall asleep anywhere. Apparently during the second black box scene Micky fell asleep. Davy says it used to make him so angry because Micky would do it at restaurants too ahahaha.

Overall Davy just seemed the most complacent with the choices, like he was fine doing whatever was expected of him and didn’t feel particularly strongly either way. Although, that being said, he does seem to have felt like he would have been fine keeping things status quo more so than anything else.

Davy points out in the sauna scene with Peter (which was the first to be filmed) that Peter apparently had like an abscess??? And that’s why in some shots his face looks all swollen.

Davy at the end very cutely sums up how each member of the monkees eventually ended up right where they were supposed to be irl :’).

Peter:

Peter is so Peter in the commentary and I love it. I haven’t watched a lot of Peter interviews, so i’m not overtly familiar with his overall thoughts and opinions, but from what I have seen this is pretty par for the course.

Peter thought apparently he had an in because of Stephen Stills recommending him go audition, but he says he got there and had to go through the cattle call process anyways.

Peter near the end of the movie says that he’d probably seen Head about 100 times, and I can honestly believe it. He quotes dialogue throughout or talks about upcoming scenes before they happen, so he is genuinely very familiar with the content.

Peter ALSO really loved the can you dig it number/scene. Both musically and for all the beautiful women. It was really funny to listen to him talk about music theory and then casually transition to talking about wanting to make it with all of these women but also finding them intimidating. Another very straight™ moment.

He really loves the Micky desert scene, he thinks the scene in general is great and Micky is great in it.

Peter also mentions how he felt Davy was probably the most dedicated actor of all of them. I had seen that floating around, but having actually listened to it and getting the context what Peter is getting at is that he felt Davy was always the most committed to acting in the Monkees and always took it seriously no matter what else was going on. He also thinks Davy did a great job in the boxing scene.

Peter also says his look in the montage in Alaska is an homage to Stephen Stills. Originally he had his big bushy beard, since it was shot in post production, but Bob Rafelson wouldn’t let him keep the beard for the scene. His compromise was to keep his sideburns really long which was apparently how Stephen Stills was styling himself at the time.

Peter also brings up the story of Davy crashing through the security gate!!!

Peter does mention how during the Monkees it was very PeterDavy and MickyMike, and I know some people hear this and are confused by that since Micky tends to bring up his bond with Davy over being child actors, but let me get into it. (as in I will add this rant at the very end so it doesn’t clog this up)

Peter also gets very deep (perhaps fake deep, I might be missing out on social cues/context for this but it sounded very sincere to me) when talking about the factory scene, kind of exploring the fact that Davy is the only one who can see what’s going on, how he’s the only one aware that everything isn’t what it seems. Peter says he thinks Bob must have seen something in Davy -something Peter wasn’t aware of himself- that indicated to him that Davy was better able to tell what was really going on.

Oh!! Peter also mentioned how in the war scene Bob Rafelson really did try to push to have Peter in military garb appear on the cover of Life magazine, which they obviously turned down, and Bob apparently tried to tell them to just do it anyways?? Needless to say you can tell that Peter really has no love lost for Bob and what he implies to be his bullying ways.

Micky:

Okay full disclosure i’m so biased here because she’s my girl, my baby, the love of my life, etc. but by god Micky sure doesn’t disappoint in rolling out the tried and true stories. We get the circus boy story, we get the “one does not go to a cattle call when one has had a series” story, the good old dusties he recycles ad nauseum!!!

Micky seems to remember A LOT. Like i’m not sure how much is just things told back to him that he’s filed away, or genuinely remembering the experience in such detail, either way he talks a great deal about shooting locations and the set.

Micky claims to still have his script from the screen test in which the show was still called The Monkeys with the Y.

Micky says Peter was really getting tackled full force during the war scene.

He also tells a story about how a girl approached him after the movie came out -at a car wash of all places- and accused Head of glorifying war??? Micky was very confused ahaha.

Micky laughing at Mike’s delivery in the war scene will never not get me, and then when he gushes about Circle Sky it makes me want to cry. Him low key high key defending Nez and saying everyone copied him musically in later years :’’’)

Micky talks about how, in can you dig it, one of the dancers went on to open a very successful nightclub. Beyond that he, much like Davy, is super blasé about the dancers. He is far more focused on the editing techniques used in the scene ahaha.

Micky is also very complimentary of Peter’s songs.

Micky makes a point of letting us know there was nothing in the hookah, which I think clashes with some other accounts?????? but he’s very firm on this.

Micky also really likes the Ditty Diego scene a lot.

Micky was really concerned about doing the desert scene justice, and says that Bob helped him a lot with getting it just right. He is proud of how his acting turned out :).

Micky apparently had a childhood crush on Annette Funicello when she was part of the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and he fucking told her that on set.

Micky says Frank Zappa invited him to be a drummer for the mothers of invention but Micky’s record company couldn’t/wouldn’t let him out of his contract to do it.

Micky talks about experimenting with esp??? In a scientific way of course.

Micky overall is just so grateful for the whole experience and it makes me :'''''''''''''''''''')

Okay so my unhinged MickyMike/PeterDavy addition that everyone is probably already aware of but I need to give my two cents. So Micky does bring up his bond with Davy over being child actors etc in the commentary, but he very much frames it as it being an initial bond they had during the screen tests. Micky explains that their chemistry was apparent early on during the audition process which is why they ended up being paired together in the screen tests a lot. And that is reflected in the footage available of the screen tests where Davy and Micky overlap a lot during the stages. In fact, ironically, it’s only Mike and Micky who don’t seem (or we don’t have footage of) to ever test together. All of that is to say that I believe Micky when he speaks about this is just reiterating that Davy and him clicked very quickly and were paired together as a result of that. But as for Peter dividing their dynamic into PeterDavy and MickyMike, I feel like that is VERY accurate to what it was like during the show and even musically. There are so many anecdotes i’ve read casually mentioning Mike and Micky working on harmonies together, or Mike calling Micky into the studio to record, etc. On top of that Mike and Micky have both expressed early on that they really clicked improvisationally, and as a result they both kind of looked to each other for improv and acting cues -a dynamic that is very obviously explored/favoured in the show. You can even see in the early head script that Mike and Micky have direction to interact specifically with each other. Not to mention Mike and Micky both speaking about the Mike and Micky show, which was a thing at the very early stages of the show. I think in later years Micky and Davy became closer because of how the Monkees ended, but I think Peter’s take on their dynamics is very, very accurate for that time.

#way too long. and way too annoying. i am so sorry #but i need this for my personal records. so i can always look back. and remind myself of how unhinged i am #personal #the monkees #head (1968)

14 notes · View notes

arwainian · 1 year

Text

Reading This Week 2023 #1

Do not let the numerous fanfics read fool you, I did not have a lot of reading time this week as I have been busy at my first(!!) academic conference. I'm so delighted to have this opportunity to talk (in front of actual scholars and academics!) about research I've been doing. Very intimidating and cool.

Because of said academic conference, I was too exhausted (and tbh, celebratory sake-drunk) to type this up Saturday night like I've gotten into the habit of, so this is coming to you All recorded on Sunday morning

Started and Finished:

[fe3h fanfic]

The Care and Keeping of Byleth Eisner by Muftiday Children of the Goddess by wearwind Reaching Out, Sunlit by wearwind Liberation by 0shadow_panther0 network effects (the tragedies after duscar) by mareza and they come unstuck by Azzandra homeroom (or, if we're not recruited in 15 minutes, we're legally allowed to leave) by Schistosity AITA for not wanting to talk to my daughter? by knave_of_swords Observation by leonidskies Collateral by Azzandra Common Ground by TheDoctorIsIcecube Your name? by jemtokall Worthy of Your Protection by Hyakunana & leporidae The Crest of Riegan by BuddyTheMeanPeacock

*wipes sweat off forehead* my on-an-airplane fanfic reading habit is no joke, however a lot of these are Short. My faves of this set are absolutely "homeroom [...]" and the wearwind fics (and I'm very excited to get back to read more of wearwind's works once I actually get farther in my golden deer run)

[f@tt fanfic]

behind the centre by fangirl_squee Vishteen Minutes by risocean Chapter 9 of the void, through your body by zerodignity Duet for Plucked Strings & How the Songbird Sings by beanenchilada an accurate copy by zerodignity

okay this is a more reasonable number! "Vishteen Minutes" was extremely good at capturing the voices of Ali-as-Marn and Jack-as-Pickman, so i am extremely delighted by it [note to self: track down zerodignity on social media so I can ask if I can podfic 'the void through your body']

now onto actual books

Queer: A Graphic History written by Dr. Meg-John Barker, illustrated by Julia Scheele

I really could have sworn I started reading this book last week, but it turns out it just goes very quickly despite its density of information. A fun/good refresher on queer theory concepts I learned about last year, and nearly got me in an argument with someone in a discord server

A Thief in the Night by K.J. Charles, narrated by James Joseph & Ryan Laughton

I had been Planning to wait until this came out as an ebook to read, until my mom reminded me I could just use her audible account where she'd already purchased it (just like I already use her kindle library...). In the end I am desperately thankful for that reminder because once i was Too Tired to even read fanfic on my flights this week, Toby and Miles kept me going until I could collapse into a bed *does jazz hands in KJC fanboy*

Beastars, Vol. 1 by Paru Itagaki, translated by Tomoko Kimura

i watched a video essay doing a queer reading of beastars which reminded me that I wanted to read the manga, so here we are. it's going to be A Little While before I get to a part of the manga that the anime hasn't covered already, but so far I am enjoying this read

Ongoing:

Teen Titans: The Silver Age Omnibus, Vol. 1

I read another couple adventures from this in the Day and a Half i had at home this week. I deeply love how much the Titans love The Beatles. Also the adventure "Requiem for a Titan!" broke my heart! Dick Grayson......baby boy.........

The City of Brass by S. A. Chakraborty

I read.... like one or two more pages of this? I think I'm just not in the right mood for it this week

Started and Ongoing:

Before Trans: Three Gender Stories from Nineteenth-Century France by Rachel Mesch

my hold for this from the library came in! Oh i am so excited to be reading this. It's a bit of a slow read since it is three mini-biographies on "women who dressed as men" who we can pretty easily read with our modern lens as proto-trans, trans ancestors, etc. i'm really enjoying it

Frankenstein by Mary Shelley, narrated by George Guidall

I think I'm starting a tradition now of reading-by-audio a classic novel at the beginning of the year. in both cases because I sort of want to write a story inspired by them

#cal reading log #cal reads comics #bookblr

0 notes

ghostofbambifanfiction · 3 years

Text

Part 1 of ?????

Started writing this fic a while ago and then lost faith in it. Should I continue? Feel bad for not posting much lately so I thought I'd share this. Read on and weigh in.

COME OUT TONIGHT

You don't have to fucking shout?

Said the pot to the kettle?

Oh you grandmother The caps were an accidental by-product of voice-to-text Blame Siri if you're going to blame anyone

You have a Samsung Galaxy S20.

HAD. It got smashed. Worst luck. Listen, come out with me tonight.

Urghhhhhhhhhhhhhh I'm tired!

https://www.boots.com/wellness/vitaminsandsupplements/vitamins-supplements-shop-by-ingredient/echinacea

Hah (indifferent)

Just come out with me! Isaac has to go see some godawful student performance of the Antigone in wherever the fuck Chichester is and it's Sirius's flatmate's birthday party so I have to go and I don't know any of his weird mates

You don't HAVE to go.

Have to/want to Semantics

I'm not in a birthday party mood. I'm having a stressful week. My arse has been tense since Tuesday.

I will wade into the deep and massage your arse if I have to, just come It's a swank pad in Belgravia! I bet they'll have all sorts of expensive nibbles!

I read that as expensive nipples.

Those too!

Partying it up with the children of wealthy Tories. Sounds super fun.

Just come out with me, for fuck I'll pick you up at 7 and we can steal their silverware if it's boring as the grave

URGH I'll go but I'm NOT dressing up!

You don't have to dress up!

FINE!

take the drawings down please i'm begging you i'm actually begging you

Nah mate

siriusssssssss pleeeeeease

Nah

PLEASE

Nah

PLEASE ffs it's MY birthday!!!! there are going to be PEOPLE there! standing around! AT EYE LEVEL

I don't see what the problem is.

EVERYONE will see what the problem is! they literally will not be able to IGNORE what the problem is!

Sounds like a recipe for lively discussion to me tbh

that is NOT what i want people talking about at my birthday!

If I take them down, I'll have to take all the nails out and that'll leave nail marks all over the walls. It would be unsightly.

MORE UNSIGHTLY THAN YOUR DICK, SIRIUS?

My dick is bewitching.

DIE

She walks in expecting to find herself the infiltrator of a Made in Chelsea/Royal Ascot/Henley Regatta netherworld, filled with a gaggle of giggling, SW-postcode socialites wielding suspiciously powder-edged Harrods Amex cards in the place of horses and boats, but that's not what actually greets her on the other side of the lacquered front door.

What greets her is really quite ordinary.

Aside from the naked drawings of Kingsley's mate, which aren't.

Otherwise, the whole affair is pretty relaxed. People her age are clustered in their small groups, swigging beers. There's a table of oven-heated party foods, salty snacks and rapidly depleting ramekins of guac. She spies more band shirts than there are dress shirts. There's a round of Fortnite in full swing on the TV.

It's all just...startlingly normal. A normal birthday party.

And that's sort of embarrassing, really.

Where are all the visible Tory toffs, she wonders? Where is the braying laughter? The Eton alumni reunion? The glimpse of hunting-happy tweed and shotgun barrels as a coat cupboard door swings shut? Where's the indelible air of sneering superiority, of "we're richer and more privileged and better than you, so fuck the NHS and death to foxes!" that she'd been expecting? There's a fucking Henry Hoover in the corner of the hall, for Christ's sake. Lily came here to smile through her teeth at them all, to listen to the champagne problems privilege that bubbled from their lips and tell herself that she was the one who knew better, who thought better. Her plain white tee and skinny jeans and scuff-toed, high-top trainers were supposed to be a statement, a subtle setting-apart, but she's not even the most underdressed person in the room.

She pre-judged a house full of people. What's that about?

There's a lesson to be found in this. Perhaps.

James covered all of the dicks in Paw Patrol stickers that he bought from the newsagent on his way home from his mum's, but Sirius peeled them all off while he was taking a soothing lavender bath, so what's the bloody point in birthdays anyway?

It's early in the evening, and he's wedged—against his will—between the dining room bar and Shane Ruttle, who has just pointed at one of the many lamentable dicks and asked, "Is this one of yours?" which James kind of wants to thump him for. It's bad enough that he looks like a madman who stuffed his house with naked drawings of his brother, now people are actually assuming that he drew the damn things, even though most of the compositions are appallingly far beneath his skill level. He's a professional illustrator, for the love of god, and Shane is really standing before him like the posturing prick he is, asking him if he's the one who drew Sirius with one arm disproportionately longer than the other.

He knows that he should cheer up.

It is his birthday. There is cake.

Good cake, too, not the kind that gets buried in too-thick fondant that he has to pick off before he can eat what's underneath.

The problem is, there's also a party, and his friends are his friends, Peter and Sirius included, and Peter and Sirius can both get drunk much faster than James can. When Peter and Sirius get drunk, serious injuries tend to follow, Remus tends to fuck off in a flash and James tends to be the one who calls for an ambulance or mothers them back to health—physical, mental or otherwise. He has just turned twenty-six, and these repeated, drunkenly dramatic medical emergency scenes are starting to wear a little thin.

Can't a man get comfortably drunk and have a laugh at his own birthday party?

No, he can't, because Peter's already halfway to trashed, wobbling unsteadily towards the French doors that lead to the terrace, wearing that look on his face that says I'm definitely going to vomit or maybe even shit myself like I did on that one night we all spent in Munich with the Belgian handball team and the creepy tour guide who couldn't keep his sleazy hands to himself. For the sake of sparing the lawn such a punishment, James hastily removes himself from Shane, grabs Peter by the collar, shoves him in the direction of the downstairs loo and retreats to the safety of the living room, where there are, at least, no naked drawings of Sirius gracing the walls.

Most of the people in here are transfixed by Saffy Stephens, who is down to the last three in her Fortnite game and cursing like a sailor, but there are a small pile of birthday cards on the end table where James and Sirius normally keep their keys. He perches on the sofa arm, sets his half-drunk beer bottle on the carpet, pushes his dark, disheveled hair away from his forehead and begins leafing through them. It's a necessity when one lives with Sirius, who thinks nothing of swiping gift cards when the mood strikes him and he's had enough to drink.

They're mostly from his female friends, and all pretty standard, until he reaches the middle of the pile and finds a card bearing a picture of a moustached tabby and the caption: Have a Purr-fect Birthday!

The inscription inside is written in a lovely, swirling hand.

To Jasper/Jack/Jason/maybe Ja Rule?/J-something idk

(see above: everything I've learned about you from the friend* I came here with, verbatim)

(*who can't remember your name)

Happy Birthday! Thank you for (not) specifically inviting me, a stranger, to your party to celebrate this momentous event in your life. Please enjoy this festive card/social nicety/convention from me to you. My friend brought rum which you may prefer.

I'll be around. Not that you'll know.

James lowers the card and twists on the sofa arm at once, eyes darting around the room in search of its author, as if they might be laying in wait to watch him read it and see how he reacts. Nobody appears to have ducked behind the couch, however, so the situation merits further scrutiny.

Obviously, he needs to meet this person.

A mystery! At his birthday party!

He perks right up after that.

She's coming out of the downstairs loo when a short, blonde man in a garish Hawaiian shirt barrels past her and pukes all over the chequerboard tiled floor, narrowly missing her jeans.

"Oh no," he moans into his wet hands. "Oh no—"

"There there, mate," says Lily consolingly, never one to judge somebody for getting drunk early at a party. She pats him on the back before squeezing past him and rejoining Kingsley, who is standing in one of this meandering Georgian house's many hallways, chatting to a bloke in a houndstooth sweater vest and holding two glasses of something very, very sparkly that she must try at once.

"It's like...it's like everything and nothing at the same time," Houndstooth Bloke is saying when Lily draws close, gesturing to a huge canvas painting of a rain-soaked fairground at night.

"Is it?" Kingsley asks.

"Mmm. Very." Houndstooth shakes his shoulders like he's slipping out of a robe. "Meant to be esoteric, I suppose."

That sounds suspiciously like pretentious bullshit to Lily, who doesn't find the concept of a merry looking fairground all that difficult to absorb. Kingsley knows more about the art world than she does, but he must agree with her assessment because he grunts and shoves her glass into her hand when she stops beside him, and more roughly than she deserves, as if she's the one who landed him in this mess of a conversation to begin with.

Trust him to find himself stuck with the only dick (not etched by a 4B Steadtler graphite pencil) in the building, and trust her to be stuck with the person who got himself stuck with King.

"What are we talking about?" she asks brightly, just to fuck with him.

"Drink your champagne, there's a good little hen," King mutters, his teeth clenched together, hallway lights bouncing off the smoothly waxed dome of his bald head.

"We've been discussing this piece." Houndstooth nods to the painting, but his limpid eyes narrow on Lily's face. "Christ, you're very redheaded, aren't you?"

It's decided. She'll wait 'til Houndstooth is drunk and trip him up with Henry Hoover's hose.

"Ergo soulless, yes," she agrees.

"And you...enjoy that?" he asks, as if being redheaded is her profession.

"Very much, thanks."

"Hmmp. Well. I came here with Saffron," he announces, pronouncing it Sef-ron. As if Lily is supposed to know who that is. "Platonically, of course. Actually, we're some sort of cousins, I think. What do you think the artist is trying to convey?"

He's very pointedly asking her, so Lily blinks at the painting, her eyes on the outstretched arm of a child on the carousel.

"I like the pretty colours," she decides aloud.

"Right," says Houndstooth, "but that's not—"

"And the lights, too. The lights are really pretty."

"But—"

"I love funfairs, actually," she brightly continues, finding a strange satisfaction in playing dumb in front of Houndstooth and his overbleached fade. Although she does really like the colours. "Haven't been to one in years!"

"Yes, good, whatever, but what is the artist trying to convey?"

"What artist?" comes a voice from behind them.

Lily glances over her shoulder and finds herself looking up at the man whose penis she's spent the past thirty minutes avoiding eye contact with, though he is taller, better proportioned and infinitely more beautiful than any of those crudely drawn depictions could possibly convey. He is also beplumed and bejewelled like a pirate, wearing a sumptuous velvet jacket over a loose white shirt, numerous rings on his fingers and an assortment of silver chains around his slender neck, while his grey eyes and elegantly high-set cheekbones are framed by a tumble of black hair that genuinely looks like silk.

The man is so beautiful, in fact, that Lily immediately wonders why he's been taking sketches home from the life drawing class that he and Kingsley pose for—hence their acquaintance and Lily's presence at this party—when nothing she's seen tonight has done him any justice.

Most happily, his penis is tucked safely out of sight.

"Alright, Sirius?" says King.

"Alright, Marvel?" Sirius claps a hand to the taller man's massive shoulder. Kingley's muscles bulge in a way that cannot be hidden by modern habiliments. "What are we talking about?"

"Not much." Houndstooth looks put out by the arrival of yet another person. "We were just mesmerised by this piece."

Lily refrains from gesturing to the painting with both hands and a "ta-dah!" choosing instead to sip her champagne.

It's very good champagne. Mmm. Yes.

"Oh, yeah, it's really something," Sirius agrees. He brushes past Kingsley and runs a finger over the illegible squiggle of a signature on the canvas. His nails are beautifully manicured. "Local guy, young up-and-comer. I assume you've heard of Algernon?" he asks Houndstooth, fixing him with a steely-eyed stare.

"Er, yes." Houndstooth's gaze slides from Sirius to the painting. "I know him."

Sirius's eyebrows lift. "Know him personally?"

"Well—"

"That's so weird, I heard he never speaks to people."

Houndstooth chews on the inside of his cheek, weighing up the challenge. "How…funny."

"Funny?"

"Oh, nothing. It's just, I know I've spoken to him before, and since you've bought his painting I assumed that you'd have—"

"That is funny, actually," Sirius interrupts, "because the artist is my brother, and Algernon is the name of his cat."

Kingsley has been tugging on his earring and almost rips it out of his ear as his body convulses, champagne spraying from his nostrils, while an alarming red flush sweeps across Houndstooth's face and he begins to sputter on his own self-importance. Sirius has clearly decided that he's done with all of that noise, however, because he turns back to Lily instead, looking her up and down with great and sudden interest.

"Who's this then?" he asks Kingsley, cocking his head to one side. "James's present?"

The champagne glass swings down and Lily fixes him with a deadpan stare. "Excuse me?"

Sirius slants a grin at Kingsley, a quick flash of teeth. "This one's queenly, isn't she?"

Kingsley wipes his nose with the back of his hand and laughs again. "Hardly."

"This is Primark, mate," Lily retorts, tugging on her t-shirt.

"Queenliness is a state of mind," says Sirius, "not a state of wardrobe."

"You had me marked down as a prostitute not ten seconds ago."

"Oh, that. I was only joking," he sighs, and grips her arm at the elbow, his long fingers cool against her skin. "But still, you're far too attractive to stand here talking to this clown. Come with me and I'll find you someone better."

James's friends are useless.

And drunk. Useless and drunk—or sort of drunk, in Saffy's case. Remus is certainly already pissed, but Remus is on meds so often that he drinks but once in a blue moon. One cocktail is usually enough to set him off, and he's been hard at the gin since he turned up with Peter at six.

"I don't know anyone with those initials," Saffy declares, once she has read, examined and even sniffed the birthday card for clues. "Except for Lisa Edelstein."

"Who's Lisa Edelstein?"

"Cuddy from House," says Remus, lowering the negroni from which he has been drinking deeply.

James pulls a face. "What the fuck is a Cuddy?"

"Oh, actually, it could mean le?" Remus suggests.

"Yes!" Saffy points at him like he might be onto something. "Like the French word for the?"

"Exactly, like—"

"It doesn't mean that!" James interrupts, unwilling to allow such profanity in his home. "That doesn't make sense, why would somebody sign their name as the?"

"Now you're asking me to explain how French people think?" says Saffy derisively, adjusting her bra strap beneath that burnt orange waistcoat she loves, the one that makes her look like she's directing a pornographic movie in the 70s when she pairs it with her tortoiseshell-framed aviators. It clashes wildly with her electric blue buzz-cut. "Am nooooo drunk enough for that."

"They could be one of those one word moniker pop stars, I suppose," Remus pipes up, smiling slyly. "You know, like Madonna?"

They think James doesn't realise that they're taking the piss out of him, but neither of them are sober enough to attempt their gambit with any kind of subtlety or grace.

"You know that's actually her real Christian name?" says Saffy.

Remus turns towards her with interest. "What, Madonna?"

"Yeah!"

"Really?"

"Yeah!" Saffy repeats. "I thought it couldn't possibly be her real name because, I mean, Madonna, yeah? But then I looked it up and apparently that's the name her mummy gave her, just goes to show—"

"I'm sorry," James interrupts, "but is Madonna relevant to this conversation?"

"Yes, always," says Saffy.

"She's an international pop megastar," Remus seconds.

James stares at his friend incredulously. "Drinking really chips away at your wit, y'know?"

"Does it?" Remus grins lazily and jiggles his cocktail in the air. "Oh, well, I'm negronly joking."

Saffy does a spit-take without the spit and clings helplessly to Remus's shoulder as she laughs, knees buckling, bangles tinkling, but James fights his own urge to start snickering.

"It's not that funny," he lies, and Remus eyes him with an alarmingly teacher-like shrewdness, despite the tellingly intoxicated flush that has crept into his thin, freckled face.

James's love of puns is tragically well known.

"You didn't get it." Remus points at his drink. His speech is starting to slur. "This is a negroni, what I said was—"

"Yeah, I got that part, I just—"

"Jesus fuck, look at her!" Saffy suddenly hisses, staggering sideways into Remus and sending him into the wall in a flurry of giggles—Remus giggling?—her voice hushed and urgent. "Who the hell is that?!"

James does look, following the direction of Saffy's gaze. Sirius has just entered the living room, casually clutching the elbow of a……

……goddess.

An actual. Like. Goddess.

A goddess. In James's house. In his living room. In the place where he eats his chocolate boulder cereal and rewatches Scrubs (even season 9, which is hilarious, and very unfairly disparaged by Joe Public) on Saturday mornings.

She's a goddess. A real one, and cleverly disguised as a mortal, sure, with her slouchy white t-shirt and her big hoop earrings and her light blue jeans that are torn at the knees, wearing her shoulder-length red hair half up, half down and slightly messy, but that doesn't hide what she is.

"Oh my god," he murmurs. His heart is pounding all of a sudden, which is so...utterly bloody stupid, but Saffy's right, bloody look at her, Jesus fuck.

"Surely she can't be with Sirius?" Saffy murmurs back.

"No, she—" He watches Sirius lean down to mutter something in the redhead's ear. A ghost of a laugh flits across her beautiful face. "She's not his—he isn't—"

"D'you think—"

"No, I—"

"Good," says Saffy firmly. She lets go of Remus and rises, lengthening her spine. It is a battle stance of some sort, presumably. "Because I saw her first."

"No!" James cries, wounded, and the redhead shoots him a curious look with a pair of eyes that are startlingly emerald green, even from all the bloody way over here. He spins to face Saffy and lowers his voice, face burning. "It's my house!"

"What are you arguing here, ownership rights?"

"No but it—it's my birthday!" James retorts, jabbing at his own chest. "And, actually, and—"

"It's in the bloody post!"

"—you didn't get me a present!" he finishes in triumph, not that he knows what he's arguing for, because the likelihood is that his tongue will glue itself to the roof of his mouth if he even dares to look in her direction one more time. "Plus I set you up with Vanya Petrich, with whom, as I recall, you enjoyed four years—"

"Stop throwing that in my face!"

"—four blissful years—"

"Is it my fault that you've never fancied any girl I've set you up with?!"

"—promised me an Easter ham for setting you up with her and I never got it—"

"So now you'll trade a woman for a ham?" Saffy accuses, though her face is too lit up, her brown eyes too crinkled at the corners—she's having fun with this and she isn't going to fool him and she knows it. "That's so low, even—"

"Don't start with that," James scathingly cuts in. "You offered me Sean Connery's autograph for Bonnie Grogan's number—"

"Which you never gave me!"

"Because you forged the bloody signature!"

"And now she's bloody married!"

"Yeah, well, Isabella wouldn't give me a counterfeit present, would she?" he retorts, and Saffy lets her shoulders drop, smirking. "This is pointless, Saf, we can't—"

"She's just left with Sirius," Remus informs them, and burps.

#Jily #Part 1 #Of 3?#Honestly I just wanted to give you guys a treat

156 notes · View notes

cuddles-and-kisses · 3 years

Text

So The Cat's Out Of The Bag,,,

Another fanfic for Agapito (an OC that belongs to @yandereaffections) The story starts under the cut. Hope you enjoy!

Word count: 1,908 Trigger Warnings: Subtle yandereness, I can't think of any others

It’s 11 pm. I’ve been avoiding schoolwork all day and I’m in no rush to fix it. I've been writing fanfiction, of sorts, for the past 3 hours. On the bright side, the first draft is done! My back hurts from sitting so long while my butt hurts because I’ve sat on a wooden stool this long. I need to take a break but what to do? Oh, what to do? My weekly planner is wide open on a bookstand to my right. I could be productive, or I could keep avoiding them... So the planner is closed now. I’ve reorganized pens in a pen cup for the seventh time. Is there a limit to how many times a person can adjust a desk lamp before going insane? There has to be something else to do but what? As if on cue, my phone lights up with a text from my Baby. We’ve been official for 6 months so our dates are a lot more casual nowadays.

“Angel, I want attention. Unlock the back door” I’m aware it doesn’t seem like it but this is how he asks to come over. He won’t come over until I respond giving the green light. “Bold of you to assume I’m home and not partying at a random frat house” We both know I’m not doing jack at 11 pm on a Friday. Nonetheless, it’s fun to pretend I have a flourishing social life. “That’s cute. Back door please” Alright, now to get up and- ow, fuck, ouchie, ok, hold on. *POP* There we go!

I should probably pick my room up real quick. I made my bed earlier today so that’s not a problem. The svallerup rug from Ikea collects dirt a lot faster than I expected. Although would he really notice? It’s not bright in here. My dresser by the door looks fine. The futon is in couch mode, so there’s not much left I don’t have to clean up for him. In reality, I’m not cleaning for him, I just like having a clean room. The last thing I do is turn on the fairy lights above my head then light a vanilla candle. I know he’s coming over to cuddle or really do anything involving him getting affection. I might as well make my bedroom reflect that, right?

I half-jog upstairs to unlock our back door. Why the back door? It’s not because I love Jesus. Let me explain. The living room floor creaks way too loud. Also, my parent’s bedroom is right next to that door. The side door alerts our dogs to start pitching a fit. How can they hear it from the opposite side of our house? I may never be able to understand. Moonlight drifts halfway across the backroom. Sparse nightlights cover the remaining needed light. I flick on the backdoor lights followed by opening a few blinds to let more light in. Their orange glow overpowers the moonlight near the backdoor.

For whatever reason, the moon is far brighter tonight. Or my pupils are hella dilated because I’m thinking about my Baby. Either way, moonlight dusts over parts of the backroom and kitchen ahead of me. One last light to turn on. An LED light above our kitchen sink smashes through most surrounding darkness, making it almost impossible to see into the living room. White cabinets outline our kitchen. None of the cabinets match each other in this house. It’s as if this house was built in parts instead of planned out from the start. The counter is occupied with things you’d expect; a bread box, knife set, fruit basket, coffee pot, and an air fryer. Yet, there's evidence real people live here. Crumbs from a snack, mail by the fruit basket, half-empty coffee pot, as well as children’s toys forgotten all about

Everyone else is snuggled up in warm beds, sleeping. I can pick out each person’s snoring pattern when they poke through tonight’s ambiance. There are moments where quiet feels like serenity, others where it feels like emptiness. I can’t decide which one I’m feeling because I realize I’m about to have a visitor. A cup of coffee sounds like the perfect way to waste a few minutes while waiting for my lover.

Coffee cup out of the overhead cabinet. A coffee spoon from beside the coffee pot. Fake sugar off the shelves. Room temperature coffee in the pot from this morning. French vanilla coffee creamer out of the fridge. And just like that, a proper cup of coffee is served. Light reflects off the glossy coating painted over our pale coffee cups. Mom considers it a priority to have everything match or look cohesive. Appearing put together is a source of pride for her. A cup is a cup however matching cups make her happy. My ears perk up at hearing his tires pulling into the driveway. My coffee creamer swirls in the cup as he walks up the driveway. The coffee spoon clings against the inside of my coffee cup simultaneously with the creak of our back gate. All that’s left is to wash off this week’s coffee spoon then put it back. I have only a few more seconds until my Love is with me again. I’m a sappy and hopeful romantic for him, get off my back. He’s learned how to silently open the back door and if I didn’t have good peripheral vision, I would’ve yelped.

Intimate hands snake around my hips as a tender kiss is pressed against my neck. I can feel the tender smile tugging at his lips after the kiss, he had a really good day? His body is pressed against mine as he murmurs “Honey, I’m home~” behind my ear; earning a soft chuckle from me. I turn to face him, wrap my arms around his neck, and greet him with a deep kiss. This time on the lips. “Welcome home, my Love.” He’s so close to me, I can smell the cigarette he had on his way over here. The absence of alcohol or weed stench affirms he didn’t have a bad day at work. I can’t wait until these interactions become a daily occurrence. This man is breathtaking under normal circumstances; but, under the glimmer of moonlight,,, I can’t form a single thought while looking at him. The raw admiration and love this man holds in his eyes? Who could stand a chance against him? Not me. Wrong choice.

His hands linger along the sides of my hips. I hold his arms in an attempt to keep him close to me, just a little longer. “I brought you a few things. I’ll go set them on your desk.” He knows gifts aren’t my thing in spite of that he claims I deserve the entire universe. I breathed out, “Ok, I’ll be down in a minute,” then started moving to get my coffee cup, as well as a few snacks to bring downstairs. He starts heading downstairs content with how flustered I am. WAIT A FLUFFING MINUTE THE FANFICTION IS ABOUT HIM!! I whisper yell ‘Baby’ until his head pops back around the corner. I threaten him to not touch or look at my laptop. It was a pathetic attempt considering what he does for a living. In my defense, I tried. I forgot he’s in essence an overgrown teenager who will do the exact opposite of what he’s told. Wanna know what he does? Grin. I’m so fucked.

Agapito dashes downstairs and leaves me in unadulterated fear. I’m frozen in place, trying to come to terms with my fate as his footsteps fade. It’s not smut or anything, just a simple night and morning routine imagining that we lived together. This is going to be so embarrassing. Please spare me this treacherous fate and undying embarrassment. Deep breaths, just take deep breaths. Get your coffee then snacks then, simply, accept what’s just happened.

With arms full of snacks, I shut my bedroom door as gingerly as I can. Setting the cup on the dresser right by the door to make this a little easier. He’s standing at my computer, reading through the last page. Oh hey, he brought me Rolo’s as well as 3 Musketeers. Nice! Oh wait, he’s done reading. His shoulders aren’t tense; his breathing hasn’t changed; all the same, he’s just standing there. “Why did you write this out instead of doing it?” That’s a good question tbh. My Baby’s voice sounds hurt, despite that, he’s trying to hide it. Ok, he needs a hug. Now to throw the snack on the bed. He needs a rib-crushing hug and you bet your butt I’ll be the one to deliver. I tug at his elbow so he’ll face me then pull him into me. His shoulders are right under my chin when we’re facing each other. I bury my face in his neck while my arms hug him as tight as I can. Except why is he upset about this?

His love for me is nothing to scoff at. He loves me the same way he wanted to be loved when he was younger. We’ve figured out he’s catching up from his pre-teen years and onward. So about 13 years without a stable romantic relationship. When he was trying to court me I had to call him out all the time for manipulation. I know he’s terrified I’ll think he’s not good enough. He has episodes of frantic attempts to meet all of my needs, even if it’s not asked for or needed. What is going through his head? Does he feel like he’s not good enough? That he’s not loving me enough so I have to turn to a fictional version of him? Does he think he’s not good enough for me to do this stuff with him? None of those are true, obviously. I explicitly stated that in the story he just read. It doesn’t mean he won’t get stuck inside his head. I need to tell him the truth. Even if I wanted to lie, I couldn’t, he’s a finely-tuned human lie detector. One more deep breath. Squeeze him a little tighter. Look him in his eyes and come clean.

“The reason I didn’t just act these out is because, I didn’t know how to ask for it.” His expression shifts from confused hurt to understanding. I start rambling, “I want to have these experiences with you. I’d give anything to have that life with you but we've only been dating for 6 months and I just, wasn’t sure, how to phrase it.” I’m choking on my own pulse from emotions. I realize I was shifting my weight left to right when he pulls me in for another hug and kisses my forehead. We stand there in each other’s embrace for a few moments before he suggests I come to his house tomorrow night. We both know what he’s suggesting. I can’t help but adamantly agree. Excitement zips through my body thinking about tomorrow night. A smile pulls at my lips as I ask, “Do you mind if I wear this shirt tomorrow night?”

Tonight is about Netflix, snacks, and rediscovering the curves and contours of each other’s bodies. Though, not before I mess up his hair while calling him a butthead. It’s evident his insecurities are still tugging at him. Funny enough, his insecurities forgot they’re fighting against me for his attention.

77 notes · View notes

dwellordream · 3 years

Text

“…Now, if people are taught anything at all about medieval history it often is English medieval history. People with absolutely no other frame of reference can often tell you when the Norman Conquest of England took place, or the date of the signing of Magna Carta even if they don’t know exactly why these things are important. (TBH Magna Carta isn’t important unless you were a very rich dude at the time, sooooo.) If you ask people to name a medieval book they’ll probably say Beowulf even if they’ve never read it.

Here’s the thing though – England was a total backwater in terms of the way medieval people thought and was not particularly important at the time. How much of a backwater? Well, when Anne of Bohemia, daughter of my man Holy Roman Emperor Charles IV (RIP, mate. Mourn ya til I join ya.) married King Richard II of England in the fourteenth century there was uproar in Prague. How could a Bohemian imperial princess be sent to London? How would she survive in the hinterlands? The answer was she was sent along with an entire cadre of Bohemian ladies in waiting to give her people with whom she could have a sophisticated conversation.

This ended up completely changing fashion in England. Anne is the girl who introduced those sweet horned headdresses you think of when you think of medieval ladies, riding side-saddle, and the word “coach” to England, (from the Hungairan Kocs, where the cart she arrived at court the first time came from). Sweetening her transition to English life was the fact that she didn’t have to pay a dowry to get married. Instead, the English were allowed to trade freely with Bohemia and the Holy Roman Empire and allowed to be around a Czech lady. That was reward enough as far as the Empire was concerned. That’s how much England was not a thing. (The English took this insult very badly, and hated Anne at first, but since she was a G they got over it. Don’t worry.)

If England was unimportant why do we know about English medieval history and nothing else? Same reason you’re reading this blog in English right now, homes. I’m not sure if you know this, but in the modern period, the English got super super good at going around the world an enslaving anyone they met. When you’re busy not thinking about German imperial atrocities in the nineteenth century it’s because you’re busy thinking about British imperial atrocities, you feel me? So we all speak English now and if we harken back to historical things it gives us a grandiose idea of English history.

Say, then, you are trying to establish a curriculum for schools that bigs up English history, as is our want. Ask yourself – are you gonna want to dwell on an era where England was so unimportant that Czechs were flexing on it? Answer: no. You gonna gloss right over that and skip to the early modern era and the Tudors who I am absolutely sure you know all the fuck about. The second colonial-imperialist reason for not learning about medieval history is that medieval history doesn’t exactly aggrandise the colonial-imperialist system.

Yes, there are empires in medieval Europe. In addition to the Holy Roman Empire there’s the Eastern Roman Empire, aka the Byzantine Empire, whose downfall is often pointed to as one of several possible bookends to the medieval period. You also have opportunists like the Venetians who set up colonies around the Adriatic and Mediterranean, or the Normans who defo jump in boats and take over, well, anything they could get their hands on.

Notably, when these dudes got where they were going, they didn’t end up enslaving a bunch of people, committing genocide, and then funnelling all resources back to a theoretical homeland. The Normans settled down where they were eventually creating distinctive court cultures, and the Venetian colonies enjoyed a seriously high level of trade and quality of life without major disruption to local customs. Force was certainly used to take over at the outset, but it wasn’t something that resulted in the complete subjugation and deaths of millions halfway around the world from where the aggressors started.

No, the European middle ages are a lot more about local areas muddling along with smaller systems of rule. That’s why you have distinctive areas like say, Burgundy or Sicily calling their own shots and developing their own styles and fashions. Hell, even within imperial systems like the Holy Roman Empire Bavarians or Bohemians saw themselves as very much distinct peoples within an imperial system, not necessarily imperial subjects first and foremost.

You know where you would go to find some history that justifies huge imperial systems that require constant conquest and an army of slaves to keep them afloat? Ancient Rome. Remember how you got taught how great Rome was? How it was a democracy? How they had wonderful technology and underfloor heating, and oh isn’t that temple beautiful? Yeah, that’s because you were being inculcated to think that the ends of imperial violence justifies mass enslavement and disenfranchisement.

In reality, Rome wasn’t some sort of grand free democracy. Only a tiny percentage of Romans could actually vote. Women of any station certainly could not, and even men who were lucky enough to be free weren’t necessarily Roman citizens. Freedom here is particularly important because by the 1 century BCE 35 – 40% of the population of the Italian peninsula were slaves. Woo yeah democracy. I love it. And that’s not even taking into account all those times when an Emperor would suspend voting altogether.

Those slaves were busy building all the grand buildings your high school history teacher was dry jacking it about, stuffing the dormice that the rich people were reclining to eat, and basically keeping the joint running. Those slaves also necessitated the ridiculously huge army that Rome kept going because you had to get slaves from somewhere after all, so warfare had to be continuous. How uplifting.

Eagle-eyed readers will notice that this Roman nonsense is pretty much exactly what was going on during the modern colonial imperial age. You can say whatever the fuck you want about how free and revolutionary America was, for example. That doesn’t change the fact that only a handful of white property owning men could vote, and that the entire project required the mass enslavement of Africans and the genocide of Native Americans. That’s why you’ve been taught Rome is great. It helps you sleep well at night on stolen land because, really, haven’t all great societies done this? I mean without a forever war against anyone you can find, how will you keep a society going?

Our imperialist ideas about history lead to some weird historical takes. People love to tell you that no one bathed in the medieval period when medieval people had pretty much exactly the same sort of bathing culture as Romans. People laugh at medieval people believing in medical humoral theory despite the fact that Romans believed exactly the same thing and get a total pass on that front. The Roman ban on dissection is often taught as a medieval ban, shifting Roman superstition onto the shoulders of medieval people.

On-going Roman warfare is reported in glowing terms with emphasis on the “brilliance” of Roman military technique, while inter-kingdom warfare in the medieval period is portrayed as barbaric and ignorant. The Roman people who were encouraged to worship emperors as literal gods are used as an example of theoretical religion-free logical thinking, while medieval Christians are cast as ignorant for believing in God even when they are studiously working on the same philosophical queries as their predecessors. None of this makes any fucking sense.

But here’s the thing – it doesn’t need to. In a colonial imperialist society we have positioned Rome as a guiding light no matter what it’s actual practices and that’s not a mistake. It’s a design that helps to justify our own society. Further, this mindset requires us to castigate the medieval period when rule was more localised and systems of slavery had taken a precipitous dive. If only there had been more slavery, you know? Things might have been so much better.

Historical narratives and who controls them are always in flux. That old adage “history is written by the winners” comes to mind here, but that’s not exactly true. What the winners do is decide which histories are promoted, taught, and broadcasted. You can write all the history you want and if no one reads it, then it doesn’t really matter. That’s the gap that medieval history has fallen into. Colonial imperialism hasn’t figured out how to weaponise it yet, so it’s ignored. You could write this off as a “so what”, of course. Sure, maybe teaching the Roman Empire as a goal is a negative, but is ignoring medieval history really that bad a thing? You will be unsurprised to learn that I definitely think it is a bad thing, yes.

Ignorance about the medieval period is one of the things that is allowing the current swelling ranks of fascists to claim medieval Europe as some sort of “pure” white ideal. Spoiler: it was not. However, if you don’t know anything about medieval society how are you gonna argue with some chinless douche with a fake viking rune tattoo?History is always political. We use it to understand our world, but more than that we also use it to justify our world. Ignoring it helps us prop up our worst impulses, so let’s not.”

- Eleanor Janega, “On colonialism, imperialism, and ignoring medieval history.”

#colonialism #imperialism #history #medieval #eleanor janega

47 notes · View notes

neqeyam · 3 years

Text

Kaeya Head Canons!

hey besties, me again! Kaeya brainrot hit hard today LOL, anyways some of these may be ooc bc I don’t main Kaeya anymore so i’ve forgotten a lot about his character plus I don’t read the lore (where tf do yall find it even).

Also if some of my head canons for any charcter seem personal or have nothing to do with their character it’s me projecting LOL!

anyways, onto the hcs!

(ps, thank you so much for the love on my last hc post! i really didn’t expect anyone to see it LOL)

He’s a menace. but everyone loves him

Kaeya skips, when he isn’t in a professional setting my guy is skipping. It’s so much faster than walking and more fun than walking.

This^ is especially true when he’s out with his s/o. holding your hand, he’ll skip and force you to either jog or skip along with him to keep up.

Again I say; he’s dating Albedo. Kaeya saw Albedo from across the bar and without missing a beat he got up, waltzed over and started flirting with him. Albedo had no idea what was happening, he then asked sucrose to accompany him the next time he went and it was sucrose who broke the news to Albedo that he was being flirted with. Kaeya laughed for 5 minutes and refuses to let Albedo forget it.

(oh my god tell me why as soon as I go to write these they all leave my mf brain im sorry if these are terrible)

Kaeya taught bennett how to sword fight, and still does on the rare occasion he has a free hour.

^most people of Mondstadt think bennett went to Kaeya for help but that’s not true. Someone sent in a letter to AGM Jean (the hand writing looked suspiciously like Diluc’s but he refuses to admit it was him) saying that bennett was looking into learning the art of the sword. The next day Kaeya dispatched himself to look for bennett and for the next two months (technically it’s been like two years but bennett is a fast learner) Kaeya was a dad.

Kaeya absolutely despises working out but he does it anyways because he wants to be able to pick up kids.

Kaeya is AMAZING with kids, he makes jokes about hating them but when he sees one he melts. He has to work with them a lot because he is often dispatched for travel mishaps (hilichurls attacking carriages, that sort of thing) and often times the parents are injured so he has to comfort any kids that may be on scene.

Kaeya is buff, absolutely jacked. you can’t see it because he dresses modestly (sorta) to down play his physical strength but my guy can deadlift like 350 LBS (idk if that’s a lot tbh I don’t workout anymore LMAO)

Kaeya is as smart as he is muscular. He’s among the smartest knights, probably top three (it goes kaeya, jean, lisa). HOWEVER, he ranks first in battle intelligence. my guy can analyse four opponents at the same time, find all their weak spots and exploit them in matter of seconds.

Kaeya is also a master of manipulation. i can see it in his eyes, this man knows the mind of all his enemies, old and new.

(wait now i’m imagining Kaeya riding a horse that’s full sprint HELP. I’m turning myself into a Kaeya simp....)

Kaeya’s horse is all black except for a white patch that looks suspiciously like the star from Khaenri’ah (it’s on its lower neck). his horse is also by far the fastest in the entire company and was once part of a herd of horses that roamed Mondstadt’s country side. (Diluc helped him tame it but shhh nobody is supposed to know)

^Kaeya was extremely pissed of when Varka took his cavalry, still is in fact. I mean, he’s the cavalry captain damn it, find your own horses. Especially because there were enough horses so Kaeya’s could stay behind in case he needed it for something, but NOOOO Varka refused anything but teh best- which happened to be Kaeya’s horse.

Kayea’s named his horse Außenseiter, and that is absolutely a reflection of his feelings.

Kaeya is fucking fantastic at masking what he’s feeling, you’ll never know what he’s actually feeling. If a situation starts to go downhill, you won’t know it until it’s practically too late because Kaeya is just. that. good.

he’s also fucking fantastic at playing the long game. nobody knows but he’s the knights of favoniouses official interrogator and he is a menace. he always gets what he wants out of people, whether it takes two hours and two months, he gets it, and reports directly to AGM Jean his findings.

Kaeya and Eula share ‘war stories’ (how they go their visions mostly, but other things like the way people treat Eula, and how they chalk Kaeya up to being ‘just a flirt’)

he has a fan club. they aren’t as loud as the Diluc fan club but he knows they’re there. sometimes he’ll pop in on meetings and everyone just. fucking freezes bc their lord and savior- THE Kaeya is standing in their presence. he loves them.

He openly talks about liking anyone he wants to so that the youth of mondstadt can talk about as well. and the LGBTQ+ of mondstadt know that if they’re having a problem with someone they have his permission of threaten said person with his name.

^and archons hope he isn’t in the vicinity when it reaches that point. all rational goes out the window and then he’s all threats and no jokes. with a threatening smile that screams “test me, see what happens”

^then he treats whoever was being disrespected to a meal, on him.

and that’s all for now! thanks again for the love on my first head canon post! i really need to learn how to use tumblr so i can make a masterlist of these LOL. there will definitely be more coming soon!

#kaeya alberich #kaeya headcanons #kaeya x reader #kaeya #albedo is in here too #kaeya is pan #there i said it #genshin impact #knight of favonius #KOF #video game characters #video game

61 notes · View notes

sparklingpax · 3 years

Text

A Different Side (2/2)

Summary: Optimus comes back from an unsuccessful mission and seems to be out of sorts…but there’s more to that story.

///

A/N:

-Part 1 arguably where I should have ended it :’)

-Literally been a year and I apologize so hard sdjdj ;w; also this part is too long asfsksdjfl aaa

-BEFORE YOU ATTACK ME, this is not “the first time optimus ever makes a joke!!!” kind of story, despite how much it looks like that. It’s just. something,,,

-as usual, there are definitely typos and mistakes; hopefully I get around to fixing them aha ^^’’ Also please don’t mind the weird spacing, for some reason the way I type things out never seems to translate well to when I put it here so,,,

-please I’m literally not funny, my humor is broken 😀 Like, I didn’t quite know how to continue or conclude this, and it’s not creative or interesting at all and it highkey doesn’t make sense tbh?? so aaa qwq I just hope it’s not too cringe,,,,but I did say I’d finish it so rather than keep y’all waiting any longer than I already have, here it is....part 2....

-I just. wanna apologize again that it took so long and this scrappy second bit is all I have to show for it. hh.

///

“At last…” Ratchet sighed contentedly to himself.

He carefully placed two pieces of metal together and wielded them to one smooth shape.

Stepping back to admire his work, smiling a little, he then picked it up and started towards the supply room.

After a long day of work, Ratchet was pleased to finally be able to place the repaired tool back on its shelf and retreat to his room for a few hours of quiet reading.

Maybe three at the very most, he wagered his bet with a slight grimace.

After all, it was commonplace for commotion to interrupt his every attempt to enjoy himself quietly.

Such is my fate.

However, hearing a familiar set of footsteps thumping slowly down the halls, Ratchet paused.

“Optimus? Is that you?”

He leaned to the side and peered down the hall.

Said mech emerged from the corridor and into the medic’s view. He had a funny look in his eye as he came to a stop quite abruptly.

He placed his hands on his hips and regarded Ratchet for a strange few moments of….awkward silence…before speaking.

“Ratchet,” his voice tremored almost imperceptibly, “Would you consider me…humorous?”

The medic blinked at him. He was officially more confused.

He had been just about to ask what had happened to upset him so much earlier, or if there was anything he wanted to talk about, one-on-one.

After all, from time to time, Optimus would reach a point where he could no longer bear whatever was troubling him. And of course, Ratchet was right there for him, ready to listen and help. In the end, he was able to get Optimus to say what was troubling him, and they would talk about it or they wouldn’t. But something about the way Optimus walked away each time told Ratchet he’d done at least something to help.

“…Ratchet?” Optimus prompted him gently, eyes showing a little concern.

Scrap, I still haven’t answered his question—Ratchet, focus!

Still, the thought drifted through the recesses of his mind: had Optimus…not been upset in the first place?

If so...what had it been all about?

Or was he simply reading too much into it?

At a loss as to how to answer, the medic fumbled for a word to say in response.

He actually didn’t know, now that he thought about it.

Optimus—or Orion, even—had never really attempted to be funny before as far as Ratchet knew...which Ratchet was well aware that he didn’t know everything. It couldn’t be a yes or no. Of course, there were moments Orion was humorous, everyone has their moments.

No, he means funny—as in, on a regular basis, as something part of his personality, even. And to that....

A more appropriate response was ‘why?’

But Ratchet knew better than to snark at Optimus like that. It was uncalled for, at the moment.

Perhaps Megatron would be more likely to know.

After all, it had been him Orion had spent the most time with back in those days.

As if I could just call him and ask!

“W-well, Optimus, I wouldn’t really know that!” Ratchet paused, feeling slightly guilty for his tone of voice just then. “You’ve never tried to be…that I knew of, anyway…”

Optimus just nodded slowly. That weird glint in his optics remained. It hit him that something seemed….different. Like the Prime was planning on...doing something.

Just then, footsteps alerted the two of Jack’s arrival. He came into view, leaning against the wall and panting. He pointed wordlessly at Optimus for a second, trying to catch his breath. Ratchet stared at him, somehow growing more confused as the seconds passed. Then, finally, Jack straightened, managing to say what he’d wanted to.

“Optimus was…not upset…”

“What?!” Ratchet practically squawked. “What?!”

Optimus glanced from Jack to Ratchet, looking surprised for all of a moment, then simply nodded. Just then, Arcee, Bumblebee, and Bulkhead returned to base. Their engines could be heard from all the way down the corridor. They skidded to a halt in front of Optimus and Ratchet, transforming a backing up a bit.

“Oh no,” Bulkhead murmured to his teammates. “Cue pissed-off Ratchet.”

And pissed Ratchet was.

He had been worried for his friend.

“Wh—then—why on earth did you go off to your room in such a huff?!” The medic exclaimed, setting down the newly-repaired tool not-so-gently.

“That is—”

“AND WHY WOULDN’T YOU OPEN THE DOOR?!”

“I—”

Just as Optimus was about to answer, a proximity alarm went off. Everyone gathered wordlessly around the main computer screen as Ratchet pulled up the video feed. He rolled his optics, sighing heavily.

Instantly everyone knew it could only be Agent Fowler.

Jack took this opportunity to attempt to get Optimus’s attention and pull him aside for a second. He waved and whispered the Prime’s name.

When Optimus finally heard him, he departed from the group and made his way over to Jack, kneeling down when the human motioned for it.

“Hey, Optimus,” Jack started, a bit awkwardly. “Sorry—uh……so....I saw what you were watching…”

“Oh…” Optimus instantly looked kind of embarrassed. “Well, I was….admittedly….curious.”

Jack tilted his head.

In the background, their liaison to the government was shouting something about Bumblebee and a burger joint parking lot, to which Ratchet was defending his teammate and annoyedly asking how it could be his fault or problem.

“After yesterday,” Optimus began to elaborate quietly, “Miko said...something to Ratchet. It dawned on me that Earth humor is much different from Cybertronian humor—which, in honesty, I never knew much about anyway.”

“You mean when she yelled ‘in this world, it’s yeet or be yeeted’ to Ratchet after he asked why Bulkhead decided to throw that guy he was fighting?”

“Yes.”

“So…” Jack sighed. He looked so confused. “You looked up vines?”

“No, Jack,” Optimus responded rather seriously. “I used the Google Engine program you children seem to enjoy so much—”

Enjoy…not when you have friends like mine, Optimus. I’ve seen some things...

“—to find the meaning of ‘yeet.’ Through my research, I came across the concept you humans refer to as…” his optics flicked to the ceiling for a second as he held up a hand and air-spelled the word, trying to remember the pronunciation. “…Memes.”

“You…you found memes?” Jack repeated, as if he couldn’t process this.

“Yes, Jack,” Optimus affirmed, looking very pleased with himself. He had that same sparkle as when he watched his teammates laugh, when he was tired but relieved everyone returned from a mission alive.

Except. It was for memes he found. On the internet.

Jack was about to ask another question when Optimus abruptly stood up again. He put a finger against his lip in a shushing motion, smirking ever so slightly. A twinkle in his eye told Jack all he needed to know.

“O-Optimus, which videos did you exactly—”

“Vine is no longer dead!!” Optimus whispered a little too excitedly.

And then he winked.

“This is a dream,” Jack murmured in disbelief as he heard Optimus walk away.

He was apparently going to try to make vine jokes.

Jack knew it would be hilarious, but he was also worried for the Prime’s dignity.

Oh, Lord.

///

“Oh, YOU want to hang up on ME?!”

“THAT’S DAMN RIGHT,” Ratchet hollered back, “YOU CAN TAKE YOUR COMPLAINTS AND SHOVE THEM UP YOUR—”

‘Ratchet!!!’ Bumblebee cut in, looking rather uneasy. He hated it when people were shouting at each other like that.

The medic whipped around and Bumblebee flinched a bit. The older mech was fuming.

He had been in a generally awful mood after the events of the day, and as the seconds of silence passed, he realized just how angry he was—or at least, how he seemed to everyone else.

Can’t vent frustrations like this, Ratchet—you have to talk it out. He stared back up at the computer screen and watched Agent Fowler straighten his tie as he started up again.

“Now you listen to me, Ratchet. Neither I—nor my superiors—will tolerate your—”

Ratchet decided he’d had enough of dealing with others’ foul moods, because they were only making him even more upset.

“Agent Fowler, I’m frankly not the bot you want to talk to right now. These are not my doings, you in fact have no qualms with me. All you do is call us up and gripe at us, and no one here appreciates it,” he hissed at him, having toned his voice down to a mild stern one.

“HEY!! DON’T YOU DARE—”

“Goodbye.”

And with a simple tap, the base fell silent again.

“Well….that’s that,” Arcee said.

“Yup,” Bulkhead agreed.

‘Why is Fowler so aggressive all the time?’ Bumblebee buzzed, annoyed. Arcee shifted her weight and shrugged.

“He wants what’s best for humans, and he’s concerned for the planet. I mean, yeah--he has the right to tell us to be careful and all,” she made her guess. Then her optic twitched as she, too began to look rather irked. “But he’s so….”

“Insufferably rude,” Ratchet finished for her. Arcee nodded.

‘And…loud.’

After a moment of attempting to compose himself, Ratchet turned to Optimus, who had discreetly drawn up beside them.

The medic was about to ask him what the scrap he’d been doing and why he left Ratchet to fight with Agent Fowler on his own. It was usually Optimus who took the calls, and that’s why there wasn’t always an argument like this. Fowler would yell at Optimus, but not for long.

They had some kind of interesting mutual respect for one another. Of course, all the bots respected Fowler—even when he was being overly aggressive—but Optimus seemed to even get along with the government agent in a special way.

Even more of a reason he should have been the one to talk to him.

So, Ratchet was annoyed. Or he was.

�� It was then he noticed the grin on his leader’s face. His first question was understandably, why.

Before Ratchet could speak, Optimus put up one digit and tapped it against his lips, as if to signal for quiet.

“I apologize,” he said solemnly, leaning a bit closer to Ratchet. The medic felt his spark begin to pound, and was sure that some color was heading to his face. He swallowed.

“That’s alright….but, uhm…what were you doing instead?”

“I was discussing with Jack a rather important finding…” he responded quietly. Ratchet tilted his head at Optimus.

Arcee and Bulkhead exchanged confused looks. Bumblebee debated leaving the room or asking what exactly he was talking about.

It was at that moment, Optimus bit his lip, visibly trying to hard not to laugh. He then took a shaky breath and stood straight.

“Ratchet, I have but one question.”

Tentatively, Ratchet moved the conversation forward.

“…yes?”

Optimus pointed to his tools lying on the metal surface behind the two, and with the most level tone, spoke.

“...What are thoooooose?”

There was silence before Ratchet slowly and rather confusedly glanced back at the desk. He answered Optimus just as slowly.

“They’re.....my…reparation tools….”

And with that, Jack lost it laughing so hard from the corner. Optimus looked on the verge of bursting into laughter himself.

But Ratchet wasn’t laughing. He just stood, blank.

Very quickly, Optimus realized no one else was laughing either—except for Jack, of course—because they also looked like they were trying to process this.

He felt a pang of worry.

Even if gradually, Optimus had been hoping for a long while that he could show his teammates that Primes do laugh, lose their cool, cry, and party. It was a silly notion, he would often chide himself. Nonetheless…it was a hope.

After all, it was the only reason he had gone to the Google Engine and decided to try and figure out what exactly humor entailed.

But…I might have approached this incorrectly.

Now looking just a little annoyed, Ratchet backed up and picked up his tools. He had no idea what had just happened and wanted some time alone in his quarters.

Optimus gently grabbed his shoulder, causing him to stop and look at him again. The Autobot leader looked rather abashed, obviously regretting the last five minutes of his existence.

In the background, Jack had gone over to the other Autobots and started explaining what had happened, the vines, the context of what Optimus had just pulled…

“I…apologize, Ratchet…” Optimus looked away for a moment. “It seems I…lack the ability of timing…”

Ratchet blinked a few times, then setting down the tools, he sighed.

“Optimus…”

“I know now that it is not my place to attempt humor.” He looked quite sad, but at the same time, resigned to it. Ratchet was about to tell Optimus that not everyone was cut out for everything, and that he was rather amusing in his own way.

But he was interrupted for a second time by laughter. Ratchet and Optimus instead turned to see behind them, the other three team members absolutely losing it.

Optimus was taken aback.

He wondered briefly if they were laughing at how pitiful his attempt at humor had been. Then Bumblebee spoke up.

‘Jack just told us what that actually meant!’

“Yeah!” Bulkhead chimed in. “And now I wanna know what vines are!”

Arcee, giggling, added, “Yeah, and what crocs are.”

Ratchet felt Optimus next to him, struggling to contain his pride, and himself began to laugh. At this, Optimus let a little of that joy show, smiling and standing straight again.

What a funny thing to be proud of…

But, then again, that had been the Prime’s intent.

///

*dies* I’m sorry I even wrote this please forgive me--

37 notes · View notes

ohnopoe · 3 years

Text

Potential Breakup Song | Jack Daniels

Ship: Jack Daniels x Reader Summary: It’s your birthday, and all you want to do is have a few drinks with your boyfriend, but when he doesn’t show, your coworker, Jack, takes it upon himself to check on you Word Count: 2.2k+ Tagging: @the-purity-pen Author’s Note: Ok so this... idk how this happened tbh. BUT I’d kind of love to write more for these two, I have some slight ideas, but idk... so if you’d like to see something more please let me know!

Sitting there alone at the little booth you had claimed over an hour earlier certainly wasn’t how you had expected the evening to go. You had been happy, excited even, when you finally grabbed your coat to leave Statesmen for the day, readying yourself for a proper, fun night out with your boyfriend.

Sure, you’d had to remind him twice already to meet you at the little bar you liked that was not far from work, and sure maybe it would have been fun to invite some friends too, but this was your birthday, and even having a few drinks with your man seemed better than nothing.

But the day had seemed to drag on, as if it knew you were anticipating the well-needed break.

With every knock on the door, a part of you couldn’t help but hope for something, although you couldn’t quite tell what.

Would it have been nice if your coworkers had realised what day it was? Sure. But then, hiding it off facebook had been your decision, and you couldn’t truly blame them for not knowing when you were so careful about keeping things separate between work and home. But with each interruption to your work came a following disappointment. Reports were required, devices needed testing, and not one person seemed to have anything but more work to add to your pile.

Dread was dancing in your periphery, but you refused to give into it.

You had decided this. You had been the one to do that damn stupid idea and hide your information in some desperate plea that someone would remember you even without the irritating little notification Facebook offered. You couldn’t blame others for your own actions, no matter how much it hurt to feel so damned forgotten on your birthday of all things.

But, as you sat alone in the booth at your favourite bar, well, that dread sure was starting to egg away at you.

Another glance at your phone, a silent reminder of just how long you’d been waiting along with the lack of any explanation, only helped solidify your negativity. What if he wasn’t coming? What if he’d forgotten too?

The drink you’d been nursing for the better part of an hour sat before you, the ice had melted into the mix, making it weak and watery as you took a hesitant sip once more. If he wasn’t there by the time you finished, you’d leave. That’s what you’d said to yourself some thirty minutes ago when the drink had arrived. But even you could see you were drawing out the inevitable now, taking slow sips in the hopes of prolonging what little chance there was.

“Either that’s the worst damn drink you’ve ever had, or somethin’s on your mind,” a familiar voice almost cooed from above you, amusement tangling with something you couldn’t quite place as the silhouette of Agent Whiskey blocked out a good portion of the bar.

Offering a half hearted smile, you took a determined gulp of the drink in your hand, stubbornly meeting his gaze as you did so. There was always something about the agent that brought out a fierce competitive side in you, and maybe it was the sheer determination to not appear as pathetic as you felt, but you found yourself offering a smirk as you placed it down on the table without a word, silently challenging him.

“Alright, maybe not,” he offered a chuckle, lips pulling into a smile and drawing out that dimple that caught far too much attention.

“Something I can help you with, Whiskey?” and damn it, that didn’t come off half as harsh as you had hoped. Hell, it didn’t even come off sarcastic. The usual fire in your tone seemed lost, and you could only hope he didn’t hear the way your voice broke ever so slightly with the question.

You weren’t used to this. You’d kept your private life private for a reason, kept yourself away from the work functions and the celebratory drinks in the hopes of distancing yourself from the people you worked with for the most part, and now, having him in front of you out in the real world, when you were already so damn close to breaking… it wasn’t something you were quite prepared for.

“You looked like you could use some company,” he answered simply with a shrug, and if his eyes hadn’t blazed with that intensity you’d seen so often when he was in the field, you might just have believed he was as nonchalant as he attempted to appear.

But his statement brought another thought, more harrowing than the last, and you had to take another sip of your drink to wet your suddenly dry throat as it plagued you.

“How long have you been watching me?”

With a sigh, that playful smirk you’d seen so often slipped from his lips. With a quick point to the opposite side of the booth, he waited until you nodded your consent before slipping in with yet another sigh, but still he didn’t answer your question.

“Don’t see you around here often,” and it almost sounded like a line, were it not for the curious way his gaze took you in as he spoke.

Your shrug was an attempt at something casual, but you knew he was too damn good at reading people to fall for that. “Maybe it wasn’t my idea,” it was. “Maybe someone asked me here,” they didn’t.

But he seemed to read more from your words than you thought you had offered, his attention falling from you to the drink in your hand, before darting around the room and landing on the door.

“Well, he’s a damn fool to leave you waiting,” he huffed, and, while you still felt on edge being around the agent you worked with day in and day out, a small, albeit genuine, smile broke through your demeanour.

It was just a line, just a statement anyone would make upon hearing someone had potentially been stood up. Your mind was screaming at you to remember that it didn’t truly hold the weight you desperately wished it did. But your heart clung to those words.

Were you really this desperate for someone to actually care about you on your birthday that you were clinging to hollow words said out of propriety? Damn, maybe you were. Maybe Ginger had been right all along, you really should go out with her some time, maybe having some real friends at work wouldn’t be all that bad after all.

“Alright, what about this,” Jack broke your harrowing line of thought with that charming smile he had down pat. “I buy you a drink, we relax, have a good time… if he shows, he shows, and I’ll leave y’all to it, if not, well, hopefully I’m not the worst company.”

A laugh, the first you’d managed all day, escaped your lips as you shook your head at the cowboy’s poor attempt at humility.

“Why would you do that?” the question sounded meeker than you would have liked, and you had to glance away when his confused gaze met yours. But the bar was filled with distractions, even if it wasn’t particularly busy, and you quickly clung to them as you regained some sort of a backbone. “You know damn well half the bar is eyeing you off, you don’t need to waste your evening on me, Jack.”

If his breath caught at hearing your slip up, hearing you utter his name for the first time in far too long, well, he was damn good at hiding it behind that playful smirk. But there was still that shine to his gaze as he watched you so intently that you could feel it even as you focused on swirling the small remainders of your drink.

“And leave you to this lot?” he questioned playfully, raising a brow as he gestured around you both comically. “Honey, I know all too well what these types would do to a pretty lil thing like you, all alone.”

“You would know,” you scoffed a laugh, and, damn it, how was it so easy to relax around him? You’d known him for years, sure, but never personally, always keeping that carefully concocted professional appearance in place.

“Darlin’, are you implying something here?” there it was, that playful lilt to his tone that he always seemed to offer at just the right time, almost cracking your hard exterior more times that you’d care to admit.

“You forget, Whiskey,” you pause, giving him a pointed look that didn’t quite have its usual impact as your lips desperately struggled to hide that playful smile that wanted to break free. “I’ve been on the other end of the comms during far too many of your missions. I know all too well what you’re capable of.”

The smirk he gave in response held a twinge of danger, his eyes lighting up as he leant forwards just enough to capture your full attention. This was a side of Jack you had seen through his glasses many times, a side he hadn’t shown you since you shot him down cold at the very beginning of your working together, and it was a side that could thrill even the most cold hearted of individuals, you were sure.

“Oh, darlin’, you have no idea.”

Well, that certainly shouldn’t have affected you as much as it did.

You’d been working with Whiskey for years now, you knew all too well what he was like, how much he liked to flirt and mess around. You’d watched through his glasses camera on numerous occasions as he flirted his way into the beds of targets, each time rolling your eyes to yourself because you’d surely never fall for something so cheesy.

But then, you’d always been safely seeing things from his perspective, hadn’t you? You’d never seen that intense gaze he offered along with those words, never watched as his tongue darted out to wet those plush lips… damn, maybe you weren’t as strong as you had always thought.

“Babe, hey!” a puffed out breath came from beside you, drawing your attention away from the perfect cupid’s bow that was hidden behind that neatly trimmed moustache.

You almost jumped at the sound, turning quickly to see your boyfriend standing there, looking none too happy to see you sitting there with another man, and, despite the fact you’d been waiting for, was that two hours now?, you felt guilt creep in.

“Hey!” you offered the brightest smile you could, even if it felt somewhat off as you glanced between the two men.

They couldn’t have been more different if they tried. One, the epitome of the suave cowboy, the other in what he so affectionally labelled ‘prime casual fashion’, or, as you secretly called it, jumped up t-shirts that had no right to charge as much as they did. Jack was leaning back in the booth, exuding comfort and confidence, while your boyfriend stood there glancing between you and Jack with a tense jaw. In fact, the only similarity between the two seemed to be the intense fire that sat in their gazes as they eyed one another up.

Oh good, yet another display of stupid macho masculinity. With a roll of your eyes, you cleared your throat, quickly gaining the attention of the silently feuding men. “Jack, this is my boyfriend, Tim-”

“Timothy,” Tim interjected, standing up even straighter, as if the use of his full name would hold some form of power.

Closing your eyes to avoid rolling them once more as you watched him look down his nose at Whiskey, you ignored the interruption. “Tim,” you started once more, more than a hint of irritation in your tone at the fact the same man who had left you waiting for so long was now trying to play some kind of stupid game. “This is Jack, we work together.”

It seemed the two didn’t particularly care about introductions, or, for that matter, manners, as they continued to stare at one another in silence for a long moment.

“I’ll leave y’all to it,” Jack spoke suddenly, breaking the tense atmosphere with a nod as he moved far too smoothly out of the booth. How he always seemed to move with such elegance had often caused you to wonder. It didn’t seem to match the macho cowboy exterior he gave off, but worked so seamlessly when he was in a fight. It was a part of him, small and subtle, that had caught your attention more times than it ought.

Only when Tim sidled up next to you, pushing you further into the booth did your mind fall back to reality with a frown. Words were already falling out of his mouth, mentions of his day, of the clients he had dealt with, and not a word of apology for how late he was, and that same resignation you had felt earlier seemed to sweep over you once more.

“Happy birthday, Y/N,” Jack spoke softly, the words somehow a farewell. His smile was gentle as he met your surprised gaze.

And then, just as suddenly as he had appeared, he was gone, leaving the bar’s doors swaying after him as your boyfriend clambered for your attention.

#jack daniels #jack daniels x reader #agent whiskey x reader #agent whiskey #kingsman #My fic

134 notes · View notes

sorrowsz · 3 years

Text

30 Day Thinspo Challenge

I'm just gonna get this over with in one post lmao

Day 1: Your stats

My cw is 120 lbs which I think is the highest it's ever been? I don't get to weigh myself often lol

Day 2: How tall are you, do you like your height?

I'm like 5'5 or 5'6 so pretty average. I'm ok with it but I kinda wish I was taller lol

Day 3: A picture of your thinspo. What features do you like about this person?

Jack is goals tbh I mean just look at those arms. perfect

Day 4: Your greatest fears about weight loss

I'm kinda worried what happens after I get to my gw, like it's not too far away but I'm not just gonna go back to eating regularly when I get to it? Idk

Day 5: Why do you want to lose weight? Are you doing it for you?

I just want skinny legs tbh. I am doing it for myself, but I'd be lying if I said other people's opinions of me/my looks didn't matter to me. I miss the skinny nicknames lmao

Day 6: Do you binge? If so, explain why you think you do.

Yep, after I start restricting for too long I'll just devour everything in the refrigerator even if it makes me feel like absolute shit.

Day 7: Do your parents know you're trying to lose weight? Do they care?

Oh hell no. Idk if they would really care, but it's way too embarrassing bc I've been trying to lose weight for years now and I've only gained since then. I'm a failure lmao

Day 8: Your workout routine

I don't really have a routine, I just have a playlist of some different workouts to choose from. I don't even do it that often tbh I'm lazy (gonna start doing it nightly though!)

Day 9: Did people ever make comments about your weight in a negative way?

Idk about negative but I've been told my legs are getting big by family. Another family member also told me they were fat lmao

Day 10: What was the hardest thing you gave up during this weight loss?

The ability to eat without counting calories lmao

Day 11: Your fav. thinspo blog and why.

I don't really have one rn. I spend so much time scrolling through this shit but I just kinda move on from one to the other

Day 12: What do you normally eat?

I've been living off instant rice noodles recently. 200 cal for a packet and it's so filling when drowned in water. Add a poached egg and you have some gourmet shit

Day 13: Are you losing weight in a healthy or unhealthy way?

Both ig? I used to do it more healthily but this recent dip back into being obsessed with getting skinny has been the worst so far lmao.

Day 14: What's your UGW? When do you expect to reach it?

Rn it's 96 lbs. I certainly could get there by the end of the year but knowing me I probably won't. A bitch can dream. A bitch can also undo a week's worth of progress in one day.

Day 15: Are you vegan or vegetarian? If so, has this helped you to lose weight? If no, do you ever consider turning vegan or vegetarian?

I tried veganism out a few years ago, but I'd never go back to it. I don't need stress dreams of accidentally eating meat or dairy products and binging. Fuck the cows tbh

Day 16: When did you first decide to lose weight?

I actually don't know. I have memories of trying to stop eating altogether and then binging on uncrustables from when I was younger, but I only really got into calorie counting like 2-3 years ago?

Day 17: Do you have an ED?

Nah but I certainly relate to the ed side of tumblr more than the dieting subreddits I used to subscribe to. Idk at what point you're allowed to say you have an eating disorder but I definitely have some disordered eating going on lol

Day 18: What food is your weakness?

Avocados and oil. Oil scares the living shit out of me, jesus. Why does there have to be so many calories in such a small amount??? And I love avocados but I just can't look at them the same anymore lmao

Day 19: When was the last time you ate fast food?

Idk the last time but my family gets it pretty often. I used to use it as an excuse to binge but once you learn the low cal options it isn't rlly scary anymore

Day 20: Fav. diet

I don't really go by any specific diets, I just try to stay under a specific amount of calories

Day 21: What are your clothing sizes?

Idk at this point. It varies too much depending on the brand so I just try shit on and don't pay attention to the size

Day 22: What was your lowest weight? How and why did you gain?

Maybe like 8 lbs? Idk I don't much remember being a baby tbh

Day 23: Did the media play a role in your wanting to lose weight?

Ofc lmao

Day 24: How do you feel about the terms pro-ana/pro-mia?

I definitely don't like them lmao. I may be a bit hypocritical here as I spend so much time reading that shit, but it's different when it comes to other people ya know. I kinda worry just making posts like this is pro-ana? But like I can't talk to anyone else about it and I kinda need a secret vent acc so idk

Day 25: Have you ever purged? If so, describe your first experience.

I've tried, but I just. can't. I rarely ever vomit and honestly I think I'd rather fast it off than go through that. I wish I could just make myself do it but I keep removing my fingers once I gag

Day 26: What excites you most about reaching your UGW?

There's this cute two piece beach set I've had in my Amazon cart for so long that I'll finally be able to wear without hating myself. Hopefully lmao I may still be fat by then

Day 27: How do you deal with being around food?

I fucking love food. It's so hard for me to turn it down which is why I'm in this mess in the first place

Day 28: Do you want that gap between your legs (thigh gap)? Why?

Uh yeah. Idk why aside from that's what I was taught is attractive lmao. We live in a society tbh

Day 29: Your definition of beauty.

This one is difficult for me to answer. I want to be skinny but I don't think everyone does in order to be considered beautiful. Different people are just beautiful in different ways lol

Day 30: 10 facts about you!

I'm 16, female, my favorite director is either wes anderson or bergman (ik how this sounds lmao), uhh. Idk that's all you get lmao

#30 day thinspo challenge #30 day thinspo #disordered eating tw #thin inspo

9 notes · View notes

kakakakashi · 4 years

Note

Oh my fucking NSFW alphabet and me not asking for Kakashi 👀

I knew he was gonna be first. I knew it. This one is LOOOOOOOOOONG, and idk if they’ll all be this long, but I couldn’t help myself.

*NSFW under the cut*

A - Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

It depends on what you did. Kakashi is a wild card when it comes to the bedroom. He likes a lot of different things, and he likes it rough most of the time. The aftercare varies accordingly, but he always makes sure that you’re good before he falls asleep. Please, do the same for him if you’re rough with him. The man will claim you don’t need to coddle him, but he’ll melt if you take care of him.

B - Body part (Their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

…….. Do you even have to ask me this question? The man has called your ass proof of some god’s existence at some point or another. He’s a fan of your legs too, especially in combination with your ass, but like… It’s the booty that gets this man going every time.

C - Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person)

He loves a good facial. I just… I don’t know what to tell you. Like… it is what it is. You can’t convince me that it’s his favorite place to cum. Second favorite is inside you, but that’s another story.

D - Dirty Secret (Pretty self-explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

I don’t think Kakashi necessarily has a dirty secret that he’d never tell you. He definitely takes a while to open up about things, but like, once he’s open with you and you’re open with him, anything goes. I’ll expand on this later.

E - Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

Kakashi isn’t necessarily experienced regarding the number of partners he’s had. I know a lot of people think he’s a sex fiend, but I just can’t see it. I think with his mental state, his fear of vulnerability, and the self-loathing and overwhelming guilt he obviously deals with on a day to day basis, somewhere deep down in his subconscious, he doesn’t believe that he deserves to be loved in any way, shape, or formed. I feel like that’s part of why he reads Icha Icha too. Like, he wants that connection, but he believes he can never have it. That said, Icha Icha opened a lot of doors for him. I think that because of that, he does know what he’s doing. It’s how he discovered a lot of his kinks in my opinion. He’s had a few partners at certain points in his life, but not an obscene amount. However, he does know what he’s doing. The man’s done his research.

F - Favorite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual)

I’m sorry. You expect him to pick one? It depends on a lot of things to him. I think he sees all the pros & cons of different positions in different situations and adjusts accordingly. I think he likes it best when you fuck him & have his legs over your shoulders, though. If he’s fucking you, though, he likes to take you from behind in front of a mirror.

G - Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc.)

Again, I think it depends on what you’re doing. Mostly, he’s serious, but he knows how to crack a joke at the perfect moment to make everything all that much better. He’s 500% going to tease you, though. That’s another story. He’s a little shit, so he’ll joke around in that sense.

H - Hair (How well-groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

Okay, unpopular opinion here. I think Kakashi rocks a bush. I honestly do. If you wanted him to trim, he will, but I don’t think he’d go bare. This is mostly because he doesn’t have anyone to impress like ever, and nobody ever sees him naked like ever. Not to mention, he doesn’t necessarily have the time to keep up with grooming when he’s on missions and such, especially if he tried to go bare. Like, he doesn’t have the time or energy to deal with preventing ingrowns and taking care of the skin irritation. Therefore, I think he’s just to the point of “You know what? Fuck it.” The man doesn’t have time for that shit. He likes as minimal effort as possible. It’s actually really hot though, and it works for him somehow. The carpet does match the drapes as well. Down there is just slightly darker.

I - Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

Again, I think it just depends on the surrounding circumstances. Sex as a whole is already a really intimate experience for Kakashi. Even if it’s rough and dominant, it’s still intimate for him. When it comes to romance, it depends on the vibe between you at the moment. If he’s just come back from a mission where he’s so tired, but he missed you so much, and the both of you just want to hold each other, he’s the most romantic. However, if he’s calling you names while your cherry red ass is up in the air, it’s not necessarily romantic. However, if you’re pegging him and calling him a good boy or something in the “not necessarily romantic” category, there’s still an element of romance to it because you know that you care about each other, and that’s why you’re in the situation you’re in. You know Kakashi trusts you to make him feel good, and he knows you trust him in the same way. It’s a more of an unspoken connection where you care about each other’s pleasure as opposed to an empty rose petals and candles kind of thing.

J - Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

He loves it when you make him touch himself for you. He loves to make you touch yourself for him too. Also, I have a kind of specific hc about this, and it goes with what I wrote here. So, after you and Kakashi open up about what you do and don’t like, you set up boundaries & agree to certain things & all that fun stuff. Now, if you discuss it & consent to it, even as just an rp situation or something, I can 500% see Kakashi doing something along the lines of this. When he catches you touching yourself or even just changing or naked or something. He might start jerking off while you have no idea he’s there. I feel like watching you would make him so hard, and he’d just fuckin blow if he could get away with it without you noticing. Omg, and if you punish him for being a pervert after, god, the man’s in love.

Omg, and if you heard him come in or something, but just let him fuck his hand while you put on a show for him until he’s about to come before you tell him you knew he was there the whole time, he’s gonna spill as soon as the words leave your mouth. Like, it’s just so hot to him.

K - Kink (One or more of their kinks)

I think it’s easier to list kinks he doesn’t have? Anyway, I’m just gonna do some of them. He likes pegging, dirty talk, degradation, humiliation, praise, voyeurism, exhibitionism, spanking (both heavy and light), edging, overstimulation, forced orgasms, bondage, sensory deprivation, hair pulling, and many more. Lol.

He also has some more questionable kinks including his thing for feet that’s not quite the usual fetish, but like, if you suggested giving him a foot job, he wouldn’t say no. Not to mention, if you’re being dominant, he’s kind of into you calling him a bad dog while he’s tied up on the floor and humping your leg. Whoops. Did I say that out loud?

L - Location (Favorite places to do the do)

Tbh, Kakashi loves the risk involved with potentially getting caught. Idk why, but I just have this gut feeling. Like, it really just gets his rocks off somehow. So, he’d probably like anywhere semipublic. Like, in a bathroom or against a tree while you’re away from the campsite on a mission. He’s not going to shove his hand down your pants when people are around, but he likes there to be a slight element of risk. I think he’d prefer people to hear what you’re doing as opposed to potentially seeing anything if that makes sense. Although, other than that, I do think he’s partial to the bedroom because you guys can entertain more of your kinks in the privacy of home. I mean, you can’t really peg him while you’re on a mission. Ya know.

M - Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

Tbh, I think it depends. If you’re in the wrong place at the wrong time, he’s stubborn, and he won’t give in. For example, if you’re on an important mission that has a lot of risks. Kakashi isn’t going to neglect his responsibilities for a quickie. If anything, I think he’d be kind of upset that you wouldn’t value the delicate nature of the situation. I also think that if anybody else tried to get him going other than his partner, it would be like talking to a brick wall. He has no patience or energy to even act like he entertains it. If it’s you, and you’re, say, at home and just existing together, the slightest thing can set him off. Just a glimpse of skin or even just a memory of you. If you wear his clothes, smile at him, or even just say his name in a specific way, he’ll be in the mood.

N - NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

I don’t think Kakashi would ever use any form of ninjutsu on you. Like, I think he would be too terrified to hurt you, and it would trigger a lot in him.

In my opinion, it also takes Kakashi a loooooong time to get comfortable with you. You have to know him for years as friends before you get together. It takes a while for things to move forward. It takes a while for you guys to have sex. He definitely won’t break out all of his kinks at once. He really needs you to be patient until he’s ready to bring them up. If you try to push him too far too fast, I don’t think he’d be okay with that. However, if you’ve been with Kakashi long enough for him to really trust you 100%, I don’t think anything is really off limits.

O - Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

I think we all know Kakashi’s good with his mouth. The man’s read enough smut to have countless tricks up his sleeve, and he undoubtedly pulls out all the stops to make you squirm. He’s going to find all your sensitive spots, and he’s going to abuse them until you’re so wound up you could scream. Then, he’s going to pull back just enough that you can’t get where you want and start the process over again.

However, while he loves giving, he fucking loves a good blow job. The man will be putty in your hands if you put your mouth on him. And if you let him fuck your face? Well, he’s definitely not lasting long. He loves making a mess of your face when he shoves his cock down your throat. It’s one of his favorite sights in the world.

P - Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

He can go either way depending on the mood, and I also think that he uses a combination of the two in order to drag out the pleasure as long as possible with you. He’ll start out so slow, but as things heat up, he’ll pick up the pace… only to slow down again and make you want to cry. He enjoys the same treatment very much as well.

Q - Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

You’re kidding, right? I don’t think Kakashi could ever say “no” to a quickie. The man loves them, especially if you might get caught.

R - Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

The man will try anything once. He’s so game.

S - Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

Okay, so I think Kakashi usually only goes for one or two rounds, but he lasts for a time that’s above average. Not to mention, it also depends on what you consider a “round” because he does tend to prefer to give you more orgasms than him. He just feels that it’s what he should do. He’s really a considerate partner in my opinion, and he will keep going somehow until you’re both satisfied, even if he has to take a quick break in between.

T - Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

The man has oodles of delicious toys. He loves using them on himself and on you. He also loves when you use them on yourself and on him. Toys are something he regularly enjoys using in the bedroom with you. He thinks they just bring everything to a whole new level, and they provide lots of fun and entertainment.

U - Unfair (how much they like to tease)

You pull out a dictionary and look up the word tease? You’re gonna find a picture of Kakashi Hatake. The man’s merciless, and it makes him so fucking smug.

V - Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

It depends on where you are and what you’re doing. He can be loud when it’s really good, but he only lets those noises out in the comfort of home. He knows how to control himself and muffle the sounds he can’t contain. However, sometimes, he can be quiet as a mouse, all labored breaths and grunts into your ear. Either way, it’s a sound that shakes you to your core.

W - Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

Kakashi in lacy little panties… just… *chef’s kiss*

Also, I hc that Kakashi gets really pink & flushed while having sex. Like, it would be super cute if he wasn’t making you see stars tbh.

X - X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words)

I’m going to leave this art by @dianaii here. It’s exactly how I’ve always pictured that dumb dork. Also this art by @rrrotten because it’s a close second.

Y - Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

I think Kakashi’s got a weird combo here because he’s very athletic, so I think it would be above average. However, the man is depressed af, and his mental state is just a cocktail of mental issues, so I’d think it was below average. However, he reads Icha Icha all the time, so I think that would have an impact. The only thing is that Kakashi has literally said that his favorite part of the book is the plot, so what is the truth? Overall, I think he’s a really flexible partner who can really match whatever you bring to the table.

Z - ZZZ (How quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

See aftercare. As soon as he’s sure you’re good, he’s gonna be napping. He’ll at least close his eyes and relax if his brain doesn’t quiet down enough for him to sleep, though.

#cherry's 300 follower celebration #naruto imagines #kakashi x reader #cherry has ideas sometimes #hi. i’m cherry queen of the sin bin.#Anonymous #cherry posts about ninja nerds #100

145 notes · View notes