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itstheimpossibledream · 3 years

Text

Thee Stallion

Word Count: 5,467

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Megan The Stallion, Hotch x Emily Prentiss

Summary: I’m trying something new, the writing style, the character type and fandom all a bit different than my usual stories so please lmk what you think ! So this first part is loosely based on Season 3 Episode 17. A Spencer Reaid sexual redemption story of sorts. Spencer’s high school crush grows up to be singer & sex icon Megan thee Stallion but, when a killer sadist and kidnapper enters her circles she turns to Spencer& The BAU for help. The Team ends up going undercover at a sex party and things ensue. I’m aware it the most random pairing on the planet and it didn’t need to happen.But, this is what I wanted to write so like……..suck it???🤷🏾‍♀️Also a Prentiss and Hotch hook up ??? whaaaaat? I know I know I’m unhinged. Enjoy sluts😜Again Feedback is always welcome and requests are open! Please don’t copy or repost my fics without my permission!

"I don't know. Are you sure your parents aren't going to mind?" Spencer asked, nervously biting his bottom lip. He stepped into the doorway of the large home. It smelled clean, he noted that it didn't have the smells of a normal house, it's scents didn't remind him of family but more of a hotel.Scents of maids, glass cleaners and overly expensive clothing filled his nostrils. He wasn't judging her but, to say her parents were filthy rich would be an understatement. Freshman year she moved to Las Vegas, and a week ago Mrs. Baird had asked Spencer if he'd mind tutoring her after school. He played it cool in front of his favorite teacher but, inside his heart had skipped for joy. He never actually expected her to ask him to walk her home. Not that he could consider saying no. No one would be looking for him anyway. As the Vegas sun beat down on them his heart soared, even in the silence.This infact was his cloud nine.He just never expected for the hottest girl in school to admit to wanting to spend time with him,much less for an extended period. Obviously, it was a purely platonic mathematical meeting but, still this was more alone time with a girl he wasn't related to than he had had so far in his life. She headed up the stairs and he followed behind her like a lost puppy, trying with all his might not to look up her incredibly short school-uniform-issued skirt,as she ascended. It wasn't necessarily that she was the most popular girl in school, or the fact that she was the hottest that made him crazy about her, as much as it was the fact that she always smiled at him. She was just nice. The day he met her,Mom was having an episode, a bad one and she forgot to wake him up for school. Much to his surprise this day was also her first day of school, she smiled at Spencer in the office and he made sure to set an alarm knowing he couldn't rely on his mother and was never late to school again. He vowed to himself to never miss that smile if he could help it.

The intricate wooden door swung open into what Spencer could only imagine was the inside of a pepto-bismol bottle, or every girl's dream. The entire room was hot pink and bright, it wasn't what he had pictured for her but then again she was doing many things out of character today.

"Are you sure your parents are okay with me being in your room?" he asked again, just to be on the safe side. She broke into laughter shooting him a look of astonishment that also somehow managed to make him feel as though he had asked a stupid question.

"They never care that there are boys in my room. They're never home." she retorted quickly.

"O." Spencer was surprised by the popping sound his lips made as he said it.

"Why?" she followed up quickly "You've never had a girl in your room before?" she took off her sweater, embellished with the school's emblem and sat it on the back of her color coordinated office chair.

"Ummmmm no." He replied honestly .

"Then you should invite me over sometime." She said, crossing the room to sit on her impossibly large bed.

"O ummm- I don't think that'd be a good idea." he whispered to himself. The room fell silent for a moment and he realized that he had made the moment awkward, she had offered to come to his house, to be in his room and he had turned her down.

"Your uhhhh-Your room is VERY pink." he managed to get out in order to cover the silence. He scratched the back of his head, a visual declaration of his insecurities manifesting and she doubled over in laughter again, finding herself shockingly both amused and turned on by his honesty. Men weren't honest like that, and definitely not with her.

"Pretty observant. I guess that's why you're the smartest kid in the state." She winked. He ignored the wink, it probably wasn't intentional.

"Actually it's just the Tri-state area but......thanks" he trailed off again. This time she didn't try to come up with something to say to make him more comfortable. She allowed him to sit in the silence and shockingly he realized he was less bothered by it. She watched as he fiddled with his hands, the veins in his slender fingers raised to attention. Eventually, She pulled her textbook from her back pack and opened to a problem that she was having trouble with. Spencer watched over her shoulder as she worked through the math on her own. Truthfully, she got farther than he had expected her to. He could tell though that at this part she was stuck, he gave her a second to see if she would catch her mistake.But, he couldn't bare to watch it anymore , reaching down his hand to cover hers, guiding it to write the right numbers. When he leaned in she could smell his cologne, a scent much more mature than that of anyone else their age. She wanted Spencer bad. He had to be avoiding it not to notice.He was actually the first boy she had had in her room that didn't attempt to get her naked the second the door closed behind them. His adams apple bobbed as he finished the last number and she decided to go for it. There was something about the curve in his lip as he smiled down at his math that made her want to jump his bones. She could tell he wasn't the kind of guy you fake an orgasm for. He was someone who wasn't afraid to work at something until they got it right.

"Can you sit in this chair for me?" she asked, slowly running her hand over the seat's back.

"sure." he shrugged, taking the book with him, completely unaware of your intentions. You move to the door and lock it, he was probably a virgin,probably wanted a less risky experience.You straddle his right thigh and his eyes immediately snap up to meet you,when you finally lower yourself onto his leg, he can't ignore it anymore. You feel his body tensing up under you,

"Do you want me to stop?" you say looking directly in his eyes. He had never made uninterrupted eye contact with you for this long but you could see the wheels in his head turning.

"NO!" he says, louder than he had expected to, afterall he was the smartest kid in the entire tri-state area. He knew what you were offering him now. You lean down to kiss him, at first his lips don't move and you wonder if you had completely misjudged him.Then, you feel a hand move to the back of your head as he cradles you to his mouth,pushing back, his tongue fighting for dominance. You slowly began rolling your hips on his leg, leaning in at the top, putting the most pressure on your clit. You could feel him growing hard, and soon enough you were rubbing him through his pants as he exhaled the tiniest moans. You were in love with that sound, and you knew you would do anything he asked you to, as long as he never stopped making it. He was able to lift himself up and move his pants down enough to spring his cock free from his underwear, it was so shockingly confident and unlike him a few minutes prior and you cherished it. You lifted your skirt for him so he could move your underwear to the side and enter you.The entire walk home had felt like foreplay to you anyway, the underwear you were wearing had been soaked through. He looked up at you, eyes heavily lidded and filled with lust. He didn't seem as innocent as he had before entering your room. Swinging your leg to his side so you were fully straddling him, you lowered yourself to him and relished in the intake of breath he had as his tip began exploring your walls.He looked up at you so innocently you couldn't help but moan out his name.

"Shhh. Shh.We don't want anyone to hear you." He whispered before pulling you in for another kiss. You whine into his mouth as he ruts his hips up into you. His hips move with force but, control he's savoring it, not wanting to cum too soon. It was his first time, you wouldn't have held it against him but, god were you glad he was lasting. You were beginning to unravel ontop of him. His nimble fingers worked open the buttons of your shirt as you bounced on him. He reached a hand inside and you were surprised by the warmth of his long hand as he plamed your breast,working your nipple between his thumb and pointer finger.

“Oh. my god." you breathed over and over again, as he continued pushing into you. The sensation was much more than you were used to,and you grappled with your emotions as he pushed you over the edge. You were loud, there wasn't even an attempt to hold it in. He pulled back from your mouth, a large smile breaking across his face. He was beaming with pride and while you loved to see how happy your orgasm had made him, you were slightly annoyed to learn that even Spencer was not entirely exempt from succumbing to unnecessary male bravado. You could feel him moving inside you, pulsing his dick against your walls as he watched you come down from your high. He brought your face to his, kissing you deeply as you began to roll your hips onto him again. His gaze is dark and you press your hands down on his chest to adjust yourself as you ride him. He loves watching you,everything from the way you flip your hair, to the noises that escape your throat with each thrust. You kiss his neck, working your lips on the space behind his ear, his eyes roll to the back of his head and he whispers a light "Fuck." in response to your action. He began pushing into you fast and quick , he held you up by your hips allowing himself to slide completely in and out of you. When he controlled your hips it allowed him to push up and bottom out, hitting your deepest point. He moans again, his voice hitting a higher pitch than you had expected and you knew what you were doing to him. He pushed into you for the last time letting out an embarrassingly loud noise as you bounced a bit more, releasing your orgasm all over him. He practically beams up at you , filled with pride. You make out with him again as he slowly softens inside you.

"Do you ummm-want to finish studying or- I can leave if you...." The confidence of the moments before had evaporated and in its wake was the same timid genius as before.

"I'd like it if you stayed." you said, peeling your skin from his and removing the rest of your school uniform while changing into your robe.You walked to your bathroom, splashing water on your face and looking at your reflection. You came back from the bathroom to find Spencer dressed, the chair was placed back near the table and the room looked as though nothing had ever happened. He had the book back in his lap and was reading it intently, or maybe he was just staring down at it to avoid making eye contact with you.

"You can use the bathroom if you want." you smiled at him as you pulled the ties on your robe tighter.

"I'm okay." he said, barely looking up from the text. There was a bang on the door, that got his attention. He looked at you now, his pupils jumping with fear. The knock hit the door again, stronger this time.

"I'm coming." she called shakily. She quickly crossed the room and unlocked the door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So that's why they did it?"Derrick said, spinning in his chair again. The bull pen was practically empty but the heat that dripped off of Spencer's lips as he spoke was palpable.

"He really had no choice." Spencer said furrowing his brow. "American society heralds the high school quarterback as the traditional teen alpha male .What was he supposed to do?" he shrugged, clearing his throat.

" He wasn't supposed to bully you, to embarrass you in front of the whole school. He shouldn't have chosen that.It's not your fault his girlfriend chose you." Derek leaned in, he was good at that, the supportive older brother role. It made him feel safer, it made him feel understood and it gave Derek a window into a part of Spencer's life that he was rarely allowed to see.

"And that's why you don't want to help her?" Derek asked but it came out as more of a statement. Spencer returned his gaze to his desk while Derek ogled the woman in Hotch's office.

"Sure had to be good for your ego though."Morgan remarks pleasantly, swinging his chair around again

"Pain and happiness are simply conditions of the ego.Forget the ego. A quote from Laozi."Spencer shrugs, pushing up from his desk.

"Okay but have you seen her music videos?She twerks Spencer."

"I've seen all of them, the same as she's aware of every achievement and degree I've been honored with. We're friends just......from afar." the corner of Spencer's mouth twitched as he finished and Derek couldn't help but pry more, following him to the coffee stand.

"Why?" he pushed " Do you think if you get close to her again something else bad will happen?"

"I don't know." his mouth quirked up again while he tucked a strand of hair behind his ear. Derek was chuckling to himself while stirring his coffee and Spencer knew he could not wait to tell Garcia.

“What ?” he finally asked unable to ignore Morgan’s chuckles any longer.

“Just never thought you could handle a sister… much less….” he trailed off.

“Shut up Morgan.” he countered quickly , refusing to make eye contact.

Emily crosses the room towards them, perching atop Morgan’s desk. “You guys got any idea what that’s about ?” She asks motioning towards Hotch’s office.

“Spencer’s friend had some coworkers go missing.” Morgan offers, folding his arms in a fake gesture of jealousy towards Spencer, who rolls his eyes.

“Ah. What does she do?”Prentiss asks, always the curious one.

“Real-estate.” Spencer quips quickly before shoving his hands into his pockets and moving past them to leave. It wasn’t that he was embarrassed by her, he truly wasn’t. It was more the time in his life that she reminded him of that he wished to escape.His thoughts were silenced when Hotch announced to the bull pen that they were to meet immediately.

Hotch walked up swiftly behind Prentiss, "Pack and meet back here in 30." Hotch said, throwing the file under his arm. Prentiss looks from Spencer to Derek, and the room becomes silent as they watch Hotch walk away with Megan.

"O We're definitely taking this case." Derek raised his eyebrows and Spencer felt his heartbeat quicken. Okay so he had to be around her again, he could do that. It wasn't as if she was a bad memory. Infact, he associated her with a lot of the positive parts of his teenage years, nothing had really topped losing his virginity.

"Hey guys-" Prentiss said looking up from the file,"you have no idea how fun this case is gonna be." she said, laughing to herself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spencer rapped his pen quickly against the notepad before him. The case actually seemed simple to him, she brought good intel, she practically handed them the unsub their only job was to make a clear, fool proof arrest.Dalton Hughes was wanted for kidnapping and forcing women into sexual slavery. Definitely not their usual work but, she had used Spencer’s name to get FBI attention.And while he attempted to hide it well, Spencer could tell Hotch was more than attracted to her.

“Reid and Prentiss you’ll be undercover.” Hotch finished

“ Woahhhh.Wait what?!?!” Spencer exclaimed

“You brought us this case I assume you wanted to be hands on.” Hotch responds directly.

“ I do- I-I just think Morgan would be less obvious.” he pleaded to deaf ears.

“ Gee thanks.” Derek’s dry humor broke the rest of the room into an uproarious laughter.

“Actually, Tall fit black guy in those circles is either a performer or an athlete-regardless he’s got to much charm. He's the kind of guy who walks into a room and everyone knows who he is. You guys need someone who can fly under the radar for this.” she says leaning in on the doorframe. Overhearing their meeting wasn’t intentional, she just wanted to make sure he had relayed the case clearly, plus there was only so much space inside the plane.

“ Great. I’m just the right amount of invisible I guess.” Reid says, faking a smile as he gets up from his seat to pace the aircraft.JJ pats him on the back and you can tell she’s trying to console him but, you know there isn’t much left to console. The rest of the team filed out as you scurried to catch up with Spencer.

“ Did she just profile me?” Morgan asks aloud, a hint of disgust in his voice.

“ Look you know I respect our unspoken bond, and I swear I wouldn’t have come if I had another option.” you say grabbing his arm, pleading for him to look at you. He’d grown a lot since you had last seen him.His muscle tone was becoming as prevalent as his wit.

“ I know.” He admits sternly, his voice is low but sure.

“ I know-I just.I ummmm….” his voice trailed off and you watch as his eyes jumped around, looking everywhere except directly at you. It was impossible for him to be at a loss for words, this silence just meant he wasn’t sure of what he knew he wanted to say. “Can we uhhh-“ he still can’t find the agreeable language before Hotch cuts in.

“We’re all okay with these assignments then?”he asks. He seemed to accept the assorted responses from the room and returned to his reading of the file. Megan quietly excuses herself to go to the bathroom.

"Prentiss was right." Rossi smiles to himself, " I do love this case."

"I just don't see why I'm going undercover in a sex ring instead of Derek." Spencer whispers.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Derek shoots back in mock surprise.Both Prentiss and Spencer burst out in laughter, and even Hotch can't help but smile.

"For what it's worth I'd trade spots with you anyday, pretty boy." Morgan says winking at Spencer.

"We need it to be Reid, he and Megan have a good rapport and I want to build on that.The more natural the relationship looks the better."

"Wait what do you mean relationship?"Prentiss shoots. No one responds, so Prentiss breaks the silence of the jet with an "O.I see......No way.....Well, good for you Reid."

"O my god." Spencer rolls his eyes"can we please just get to L.A. without going through my entire sexual history?"

"Oooooo.So there is a sexual history?" Now, Morgan turns to fully face Reid, clapping him on the back. Prentiss makes a sexual gesture with her hands, and the entire room erupts in laughter again.

"Stop." Prentiss immediately let's up on the joke at Hotch's command.Everyone attempts to hold it in but, after a second of silence Rossi breaks, and the rest of the group can’t help but follow.

“You know, I stripped undercover before.” Prentiss cuts in.

“Oh god. How did I know we were going to go back to that.” Morgan feigns annoyance.

“Good point Emily, you should be paired with Hotch.” Rossi says flippantly.

“That’s fine. We could use Emily’s expertise.” Hotch says, his eyes flaring as he looks down at the file, definitely pretending to read. Clearly it was not fine but, it was more important for him to pretend it was for the sake of the room than not to. Plus, having more agents on the ground was always reassuring.

The plane begins its landing process and Spencer is lost in thought.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He was calm and collected since the second he stepped off the plane to be honest. It wasn't until she slid her her leg on top of his, showing herself off to the dance floor,as he calmly rested his hand on her knee as if nothing out of the ordinary that he had the time to process what was happening."Okay can you see him?" she whispers into his ear. Ofcourse he can see him, ofcourse he was looking at her. Everyone in the room couldn't help but look at her, she was easily the most beautiful woman in any room she walked into. And while she was not the most famous guest at the party, not by a long shot she was, sure to grab attention that way as well. Spencer knew that but,he also knew that this was acting, and while he was good at reading other people's behavior he hoped she wouldn’t judge his behavior by the feeling of him growing under her leg. "Are we going to talk to him now?"

“No ...ummm our job is more to survey. You know keep an eye on everything.” He choked out.

“It’s easier if I have some help.” she smiled. He lightly brushed a finger over the tops of her knees, slowly moving his way up her thigh. It was gentle but, it was teasing enough for her to notice.

“ I’m not against helping, I just didn’t think you’d need it.” he smiled smugly next to you.

“What are you smiling about ?” she asked .

“You know you having an orgasm is not part of the assignment right ?”he avoided looking at her as his hand toyed further up the hem of her dress.

“The assignment was to be realistic. God I thought you were good at school.” she snuck in a kiss on his neck below his ear, like she used to. His breath caught in his throat which he decided to turn into a light cough , thinking that would avoid her detection.

“This collar means I’m a sub.” she said, grinding her butt onto his lap again. He clears his throat. “Implying that you’re my dominant. If this is going to work you have to seem in control.” she whispered the last part in his ear, sending a chill down his spine. His hand flew to her throat, thumb just lightly pressing its way into her air intake , as he pulled her head towards his.

“I know what it means.”his voice was low and stern. Infact, the hardest part in prepping for this case was not telling the rest of the group just how much he actually understood the mission. It’s not uncommon for sadists to take interest in the bdsm and kink community but, he wasn’t going to allow himself to fill his coworkers in on his sexual preferences. She looked fragile like this, his hand around her neck, her legs wide for the whole room, as sexual and commanding as she was she had no issue letting him top her, and he thrived on that power. His first industry sex party was going well as far as he was concerned. She leaned in to kiss him and he let out a disinterested “No.” , looking past her. She didn’t have the time to recover her feelings before he asked “Is there a private room?”

Sure she had been forward with him, but she was shocked by this admission. Maybe he really had let that young, timid version of himself entirely float away.

“Yes. down that hall. Any door on the left.” she steadied her voice, trying not to let her excitement be too obvious. Calmly, he pulled his cuff to his mouth “Our suspect is headed to a back room with a woman in an orange dress.” Her eyes shoot to Hotch and Prentiss, who are in their very own form of a compromising position.It was understated and tasteful but, there was no denying that his hand was in her mouth,as she sucked on his fingers.JJ was right by the door immediately headed towards the room, Spencer slowly got up, and fell in line behind Hotch and Emily kept an eye on the room. In the end, it was JJ’s arrest and Derek and Rossi were outside waiting for her to hand over the perp.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“ So what’s your kink?” She asked breaking into a broad smile as a direct result of his uncomfortability. They were supposed to be undercover as strangers,two consenting adults meeting at the party. It’d be naive to pretend as though she never had a crush on Hotch. And even worse for him to deny the attraction as well. For as much time as she had spent with him, it always manages to shock her how he never gave any information unasked. Even as she had spent so much time undercover, she never met anyone in the FBI who would do better with international intelligence than Hotch.

“I don’t have any.”he shrugs crossing his arms across his chest. He hadn’t even taken his jacket off. She snakes her hand inside his jacket pocket and pulls out a buisness card.

“ Okayyyyy Detective Hotcher” she say, turning the card in her hand as she palms her drink. It was whiskey,he had ordered it for the table , he poured it with such care that a part of you envied the whiskey. To be cared for, to have hands like that pour into you.

“Not so thorough for undercover.” you joke with him

“I’ve been very busy.” he replies with, and you can read into it that he is disappointed in himself. Such a master of perfection but, he couldn’t manage to look comfortable on the obviously expensive couch. You stood infront of him , cocking your head to the side as you undid the belt of your wrap dress. It’s silky material rolled off of your body without hesitation and landed safely on the carpet, revealing the lingerie you had so carefully picked out for this mission. You watch as his eyes move from the dress on the floor to your heels and then trace over your body. He seems incredibly still except for the ticking of his watch. You can tell it was expensive but tasteful, not too large or flashy.He allowed you to walk toward him. You straddled him lightly, lowering yourself down onto him. You felt him exhale as his hands came to your lower back, a warmth spread throughout your body as his hands lightly rubbed your back . You rocked your hips forward and his eyes flashed up to yours. He fit his hands in the crease of your hips as you roll back and forth on his lap. His breath hitches, just enough for you to hear and you smirk knowingly at him.

“ Everyone has a kink agent Hotchner.” His eyes sparkle up at you. You can feel the twinge of interest, skirting his thought.

“Stop using my real name.” he corrects her sternly, her eyes challenging him

“So what’s yours ?” He turns his chin up to you, a smile playing at the corner of his lips. Your fingers begin working at his tie, and as you roll your hips forward again you can feel his member growing under you.

“ I think that’s convincing enough.” He grunts, trying to remove himself from under you but, you cradle his hand and look into his eyes as you redirect it to your core.His hands immediately go to work as if he held no validity to his previous statement. You grind down on his fingers a little more.

“ You’re attracting a lot of attention now, I think-“ his whispered pleas were cut off as you bent close to his ear “ I thought I was the on-the-ground-professional in this case? I thought you needed my what was it ‘extensive experience’?” Hotch allowed himself to laugh at the use of a direct quote.

“So getting me hard in a room full of people proves that?”he retorts quickly.

“No”, she replies calmly continuing to ride his fingers while nonchalantly drawing circles on his chest.

“ But it does ensure that you’ll think of me the next few times when you’re alone. You will have wished you fucked me.And that’s even better.” She smiled, removing Hotch’s fingers and slowly seating herself next to him. He swung his arm over her shoulder and she brought his fingers to her mouth,placing them on her tongue.He shivered but, watched intently as she sucked on his fingers until he heard Spencer over his ear feed. The subject had headed for a private room, she was aware of the energy change and as Hotch moved towards the perp she, expertly blended into the crowd of other confused onlookers.

Within an hour of interrogation Rossi got him to reveal the location of the girls he was keeping captive. Soon after, Derek led a unit to retrieve them. It wasn’t their flashiest case but, it definitely gave everyone a warm feeling to go home with. Something the team hadn’t had in a long while. They stood in the lobby of the hotel, everyone with their own secrets,everyone trying to pretend that that wasn’t one of their more challenging missions. Everyone seemed different, quieter somehow; how’s that for a team building exercise Spencer found himself thinking.

“I’m uhhh-” he attempted to break the silence.

“Just go Spence!” the group responded in unison, almost comically.

“Wait. wait.” he stopped at Rossi's command and turned back accepting his handshake, the older agent clapped him on the back and smoothly slid a small stack of condoms into his hand.

“Go get em’ tiger.” he huffed under his breath, and Spencer couldn’t help but laugh to himself, as he turned on his heels to leave.

His heart raced as he entered the elevator, he wanted to shower, plan his outfit, his words; he wanted to tell her how much he wanted her, how much he had held back for years. His keycard slid into the door, he pushed it open and could barely make out the figure in the dark. Instinctively reaching for his gun,it wasn’t until he heard Megan call out his name that he was brought back to safety.

“Jesus, don’t kill me Spencer.”she laughed

“You could have been an intruder.”he laughed in agreement of how ridiculous it all was.

“Do most of your intruders dress like this?”She stood up so he could see, she wore a garter clearly visible below her much outgrown private school issued uniform skirt. The heels and his own opened buttoned down shirt completed the look that he was sure would drive him to his grave.

“Shit.” he exhaled, covering his face with his hand as she closed the door as well as the space between them; extending her hands to his pants. She could feel he was hard through his khakis, god only Spencer could get away with wearing khakis at an industry event.He quickly swatted her hand away, pulling her face to his. He pushes her against the wall, feeling her curves, feeling her warmth , feeling for the first time untouchable since that day in highschool.

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teamhook · 4 years

Text

A Chapter a Day... Savage Heart CS AU

Yes, a chapter a day.

This story will be finished by the end of the month. :)

A love story between a pirate and his savior. An innocent, beautiful, selfless woman meets a man with no manners, no formal education and not even a last name. Will Emma fall in love with Killian once she discovers that beneath his tough exterior lies a heart-wild, but a heart of gold? This is a Captain Swan AU

Beta-ed by the wonderful @ilovemesomekillianjones

Cover byt the amazing @xhookswenchx

|AO3| |FFN| previous chapter

|AO3| |FFN| current chapter

Chapter 6: Deception

Milah is looking out the window in her room contemplating her wedding to August which is fast approaching. Her soon to be mother-in-law Cora is preparing everything to make sure the wedding is perfect for her son. Milah knows she has one thing to take care of before she says her I do's. She has some loose ends to tie up.

She enlists the assistance of her trusted maid to ensure that the dalliance with Killian did not leave her pregnant, and to help cover the fact that she no longer has her virtue intact.. In her short stay in Misthaven, she has heard of a healer that can help her with these details. The healer gives her some herbal tea that will solve the pregnancy issue if she is in fact expecting. To cover up the loss of her virginity she is given an animal's blood, the healer didn't specify which and she was not going to ask for specifics. She is not too excited about using it but desperate times call for desperate measures. Milah has all her bases covered. She is ready to become the lady of the manor. To be waited on hand and foot.

As she walks down the aisle, Milah casually glances at Emma. It is not the wedding Milah had wanted, but the look on Emma's face is worth it. Her cousin is such a hypocrite who can't hide her feelings, she's always going on about how truly happy she is about their wedding and how eager she is to finally be able to take her novice vows. All lies, Milah knows it. If only Emma could just be honest and not be a damn martyr, Milah thinks. The vows are exchanged, and Milah really tries to show some excitement..

With her Uncle David still gone and Emma at the convent, Milah decides to ask Snow to come live with them so she is not alone. If she is truly honest, it is a simple tactic to show to her new husband August and his judgmental mother Cora, that she has a good heart, especially since she had heard her mother-in-law only talk praises about Emma. She knows that if it had been up to Cora, August would have married selfless Saint Emma.

Milah settles into being August's wife. She looks at him while he sleeps, he is not Killian, but he will do. She misses Killian though, he was so good at pleasing her in bed, unlike the man that lays next to her. Things could be worse, she could have married beneath her. One of August's redeeming qualities is he enjoys lavishing her with expensive gifts.

Milah smiles to herself, she does love seeing Emma suffer. Days turn into weeks and soon it has been almost two months of marriage. He is dull and he just doesn't thrill her like Killian. Perhaps later she can find someone exciting and take him as a lover. Killian is irreplaceable in that area, pity he got captured, such a waste.

She should alleviate Emma's pain and tell her she truly did her a service by marrying August in her place. She really is not missing out on anything. However, Emma might have been extremely satisfied with having August as a lover, she is so frigid. She wouldn't know what to do with a real man if she ever got one. Milah snickers at the thought.

She walks around the large estate, avoiding her mother-in-law and limiting her time with August as she typically did. She uses the excuse of keeping Aunt Snow company to make sure she doesn't feel unwanted in the household.

One day the unexpected happens. Her maid tells her that Smee is on the outskirts of the estate with a message. Milah thinks it must be a letter from an imprisoned Killian and she quickly sets out to go meet with Smee.

Unfortunately for Milah, as she is leaving, she is seen by Emma who is there to visit her mother. Emma follows her and sees Smee hand her Killian's message. Unbeknownst to Milah, Emma wonders why Milah would be meeting with that man and decides to keep an eye on her.

Milah quickly reads the note and tells an anxious Smee she will go to Killian as soon as she can, but that she needs to be careful.

Flashback - The Road So Far

Killian Jones was the worst human around. The people of Misthaven were in a quandary when it came to the pirate captain. The higher class had quickly labeled him a thief, scoundrel, and the scum of the earth. The lower class saw a completely different man, simply a godsend. More like a blessing in disguise.

In the beginning, after his christening as Captain of the Jolly Roger he had truly earned his devious reputation. He had done it all. Pillaged and plundered without a thought to anyone else's needs. He had eagerly created an image to instill fear amongst his crew and other pirates to stop any mutiny attempts. What better way to control or motivate than fear? He had refused to be underestimated because of his young age.

Perhaps the first reminder of the humanity that still resided within him was a young girl he had met in his darkest time. The young girl's name was Kristinka; she had been orphaned at a very young age as well. Like him, she had no family to help her and was forced to learn to survive by any means.

She had been working in the tavern owned by his friend Tiny. The Golden Goose Tavern was exploding with the excitement of the crew of the Jolly Roger. They had just arrived for a night of celebration, she had offered him services that were not on the menu and he foolishly accepted. It didn't help that his crew had cheered and encouraged the deed.

She was only eighteen years old at the time and that was three years ago. He should have known better. He had just turned twenty-two and was eagerly trying to live up to the image of the pirate captain. Even then he knew he had made a mistake, it was bad form to lay with a lady one had no intentions of loving or marrying. They soon got to know each other better and became friends of sorts.

In the orphanage she had grown up in, there'd been a copy of her favorite book, Peter Pan. Although Tink had never learned to read, one of the nun's used to read to her behind the Mother Superior's back. Killian reminded her of a key character, and she had even given him the nickname Hook. That alone was an indication of how young she was when they first met.

As a boy, he had loved the story of Peter Pan also. He had prayed to be swiftly transported to Neverland to be able to escape his cruel reality. He began calling her Tink, short for Kristinka and for the fairy she reminded him of. She was not happy about the nickname but loved the camaraderie it afforded, she was always pouting when he would call her by that name.

He knew she'd had fallen in love with him early on, but he just didn't see her in a romantic light. She would only ever be a close friend, he could not give her his heart. Meeting Tink made him remember his youth and he soon the lower class saw him in a different light. To the ones that had no savior, no voice, he became their protector. Each time the local law tried to pin any sort of crime on Killian, the locals protected him. He began donating some of his ill-gotten riches to help provide for those who couldn't provide for themselves. He donated to the orphanage anonymously since he knew if the nuns realized where the money came from they would never accept it.

Present

By the time Killian returns to Misthaven months have passed. Bloody Arendelle prison is all Killian Jones can think. Yet he is happier than he has ever been. He has an older brother and soon he will marry Milah. He enters The Golden Goose Tavern with a confidence he had forgotten during his time in prison.

He doesn't even go home once he makes port. He just wants a bit of rum to welcome him home while Smee runs his errand to Milah.

Then he hears the news. "Countess Milah married August Booth," one of the fishermen says and continues with his story. "Her family almost missed out on the opportunity that comes with marrying someone with that name, who knows why the other girl wasn't the one that married him."

His heart shatters and a darkness creeps into him as his elven like ears perk up to that bit of information. At first, he thinks he has misheard… he must have. Milah couldn't have betrayed him like this, wouldn't have, they were to be married upon his return.

He approaches the fishermen and asks, "Oy, August Booth married the Countess Milah? I thought he was betrothed to the other Countess?"

One of the fishermen responds, "Aye, he did. In my opinion, he made the wrong choice, but I am partial to blondes."

"Sorry, mate. I didn't mean to intrude on your private conversation. In my line of work, information is power," Killian says with a smile that doesn't reach his eyes. His jaw clenches as he nods and walks away swiftly. He is angry. He wants to hurt someone; anyone will do at this point.

No, she would not dare betray him. Oh, there will be blood. He wants to inflict the same pain he is feeling. She will pay, they will all pay. He is shaking uncontrollably.

He has no idea how or when he reaches his home. He looks around the room at the mess he's made, glasses and bottles are broken, chairs and the wooden table are overturned, books have been torn to shreds and papers are scattered all over the normally tidy room.

"Smee! Come here!" Killian yells.

The stocky man approaches slowly while playing with his crimson hat. He had heard the Captain arrive and then the noise coming from the little office erupted.

He must have heard about the Countess marrying August Booth. "Sir, you are finally back," Smee says nervously.

Killian rolls his eyes in frustration. "Apparently you are a very observant man Mr. Smee. Now is there anything of importance that you have yet to tell me?"

"Sir, Countess Milah has married August Booth in your absence," Smee says to his Captain. "Sir, there had been rumors of your capture throughout the port cities. We didn't expect to see you again."

Killian smirks and responds, "Aye, I was captured by the Arendelle Navy and imprisoned alongside most of the crew, some were not so bloody lucky. Now, I do not recall any attempt from the lot of you trying to free us."

Smee's eyes go wide open. "Sir, I was told that there had been attempts to sway the authorities but they are not as easily convinced as the Misthaven officials."

"It matters not anymore. How did Milah end up marrying her cousin's betrothed?" Killian is really struggling to stay calm while he waits for the man's responses.

"The true story is not known, sir. All that is common knowledge is that Countess Emma joined the convent and that within a fortnight her cousin had married August Booth."

Killian scratches behind his ear and says, "I will write a message for her that you will figure out a way to have delivered to her. Is that understood?"

"Of course," Smee answers rapidly.

Killian turns to look for some paper to write the message in what is left of his office. The message is simple.

Milah, we need to talk.

She will know the note is from him and where to go, all that is left for him to do is wait. Several hours pass by the time Smee finally returns.

"It's about time, Mr. Smee. You know how much I abhor waiting."

"Captain getting the message to her was not an easy ordeal. She is living in the Booth Estate; I had to be extra careful," Smee replied as he played with his hat nervously.

Killian nods in agreement, but that didn't mean he had to like it. "Is it fair to assume you have been successful in your task?" Killian asks.

"Of course Sir, I would never fail you," Smee replies.

"Did she say anything?"

"All she said was that as soon as she could get away without arousing suspicion she would make her way to see you, Sir."

"Hmmm, wonderful, how very considerate of her," Killian hisses. "Did she look happy in her new role of wife to Booth? What was her reaction after reading the note?" Killian looks at Smee as he waits for the answer, dread in his heart.

"She seems content enough, she didn't seem unhappy. Though she did seem happily surprised after she had finished reading your note. She will come, I'm sure of it."

"She best not make me wait too long and force me to go looking for her. I'm sure her new rich husband will not like to know that he is enjoying my leftovers. She still has to answer for her betrayal."

Killian had started to lose his temper after Smee said that she seemed content. He'd been under the assumption she had been forced to marry August. The fact of the matter is simple. He knows she enjoys riches more than anyone else he has ever encountered and that reality has made him quickly realize that she may have entered into the marriage quite willingly and all for the wealth.

He'd never felt the need to flaunt his wealth. He'd only used it to his advantage when having the need to bribe some judge or another greedy corrupt official to look the other way, but never to enjoy an extravagant lifestyle.

Killian knew he would never be able to provide her with the riches and comfort that August had surrounded her with. Perhaps if that last venture had been successful he may have been able to compete with Booth's wealth, but now, he couldn't come close. He has wealth but not to that extent. He can give her a reasonable cozy life. She may have accepted that life before but now after having a taste of the lavish life Booth has to offer, he isn't so sure.

The problem is that he doesn't like to share. He is a pirate after all. Once upon a time he had cared for August. The little time he had spent in the Booth Estate as a boy, he had grown quite close to him. Too bad he had taken something that had been his. Perhaps a visit to see Archie for some Intel on August Booth is now in order.

Milah's family was still well respected and had gained some financial stability in recent years. Still, the marriage between Milah and August has benefited them a great deal already.

He has to be tactful in how he does things. He cannot let his anger blind him. He has to be smart about how he handles the situation from now on. He has an opportunity to get Milah back and maybe a small fortune.

They will sail away on the Jolly Roger once everything is over. His hand reaches his trimmed beard and strokes it as he plots and comes to a realization that he could use the friendship they once shared in their youth to get close to August and gain access.

Archie will happily help; he has tried to get him to leave the pirate's life in exchange for an honorable one for so long. He hates the idea of using Archie. Archie has been his only true friend for so long. He had even provided him with the most basic of education.

He knows his crew can help too, they are extremely loyal; but only because of the riches they have acquired since he became their Captain. As long as there is a big payout he can count on them for whatever he needs.

He will not lose his love. Maybe they can make a home in Arendelle with his brother.

Soon he will meet with Milah and let her know of his plans.

Tagging:

@hookedonapirate @kmomof4 @searchingwardrobes @seriouslyhooked @profdanglaisstuff @let-it-raines @revanmeetra87 @snowbellewells @hollyethecurious @kymbersmith-90 @branlovestowrite @thejollyroger-writer @shireness-says @ilovemesomekillianjones @thisonesatellite @thesschesthair @winterbythesea @stahlop @resident-of-storybrooke @superchocovian @lfh1226-linda @artistic-writer @thislassishooked @shardminds @winterbaby89 @xhookswenchx @ultraluckycatnd @gingerchangeling @laschatzi @wellhellotragic @xemmaloveskillianx @courtorderedcake @pirateherokillian @optomisticgirl @darkcolinodonorgasm @sherlockianwhovian @andiirivera @djlbg @nikkiemms @jennjenn615 @scientificapricot @officerrogers

#Captain Swan #cs ff #CS Crew #CS Mafia #teamhook SavageHeart

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sanrionharbor-blog · 5 years

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Thoughts on Sansa S8 Endgame

Speculations galore! Long post ahoy!

Let’s run through every possibility I can think of for the end of show-Sansa’s story (and yes, there will be many more possibilities besides these because GOT is layers upon layers, man, I’m still new to the fandom, and there’s probably a lot I’ve missed).

At the very least, let’s do this categorically.

Dead, Alive, or a Fate Worse Than Death?

1. I’d bet money that Sansa survives the whole dang thing

2. But if she does die…it could be A) Sacrifice to save Arya, Jon, and/or Bran, B) in a possible collapse of Winterfell, C) after ensuring the demise of Cersei or a similar threat, D) something worthy of a song

3. Crack Theory: Sansa Becomes the Night Queen?

Shipping...

1. Let’s start with the most popular ship: Jonsa. While I’m not personally a Jonsa fan, I neither hate it nor see it as a complete impossibility. And while I’m not personally a Jonerys fan, I neither hate it nor see it as a no-brainer. Jonsa makes sense practically (uniting Targ and Stark, North & South; they already trust one another; cousin marriage isn’t considered incest in-universe, etc.), though I’m not entirely convinced if the show goes this direction that it would be the most romantic ship ever. The best I see is that it has vibes similar to Ned/Cat when they were first married to one another; they didn’t love each other romantically at first, but it would come with time. As for political!Jon Theory making this ship possible, while I wouldn’t completely put it past the GOT universe to make Jon that cold, it honestly doesn’t jive with what I think is at the core of Jon: which is a hardscrabble sort of nobility, decency, honesty. I mean, if he was politcal!Jon, wouldn’t he have come up with a smoother way to handle Cersei in their first meeting? Anyhoot, the ship isn’t hateful. I think the biggest obstacles are the fact that, even though they are technically cousins, they were raised as brother and sister. You don’t just erase that. This is somewhat “remedied” by the fact that they were never close and Sansa pretty much treated him as a whole-lot-less-than-a-brother for most of their childhood. But GOT has never shown incestuous relationships (again, I don’t really consider historically based cousin relationships as incestuous, but it is a close family bond never-the-less) as a good thing. At all. The Targ’s went mad; Dany’s brother was creepy as fudge; UMM Jaime x Cersei dear Lord; Craster and his Merry Brood, etc. (But this mainly just spells doom for Jonerys, IMHO). So, as with anything in GOT--it’s possible, it’s also not possible, there’s undertones, but there’s undertones for the complete opposite thing happening, etc. Lastly, as for the “romantic framing” of S7, I think it falls under that same maybe/maybe-not. I LOVE Jon and Sansa’s dynamic, even if I don’t see it as romantic, even if does or does not end up romantic. It is certainly one thing: intimate. And the framing (forehead kiss, bittersweet reunion, worrying for one another’s safety) supports that at the very least. If they don’t end up romantically, Jon is the last real strong male relative that Sansa has. That’s not to diss Bran, but D&D have made him a remote magical old man stuck in a teenager’s body. In some ways, he’s dead to Sansa too (as Meera said, “You died in that cave.”). The poetry, the irony, is that the people Sansa had the most problems with in her family (Arya and Jon) are all that Sansa has left now (yes, yes, I love Bran, but again he’s acting more like a solo unit than a family unit at this point)--and she realizes how much they’ve always meant to her. Jon, and Arya for that matter, are different sides of Sansa, just as she is a different side for each of them. The parallels are lovely, and this ship could very well set sail.

2. My personal favorite: Sanrion (Sansa x Tyrion, Tyrion x Sansa, whatever the preferred parlance is). Yes, I’m biased, so this entry will be the longest--BUT, let’s remove my shipper goggles. This, to me, is just as possible as Jonsa. That is, I don’t see it as guaranteed at all, but there’s plenty to read from the text. Let’s get the trouble spots out of the way: 1) the build-up has been few and far in-between since S4 (though they did throw us a bone in S7). 2) the 50/50 chance of Tyrion dying in S8 (no, I’m not basing this on “leaks,” interviews, or what-not--I’m just using this as a baseline guess, given that this is GOT and given that Tyrion is at the center of a very dangerous web of relationships), 3) the show possibly not wanting to ask a twentysomething actress and a nearly 50-year-old actor to act out anything deliberately romantic (however, I don’t expect an on-screen ship to be anything but unconventionally romantic--I very much see it being done with subtle dialogue, color theory, ambiguous looks, an epilogue, etc), and 4) Tyrion may or may not be in love with Daenerys. None of these trouble spots spells doom for me. The greatest “doom” is simply Sansa ending up alone (thematically possible) or with someone else (also thematically possible). Let’s break down counter-points to the trouble spots, then I’ll list my reasons why this ship could sail. 1) Almost all relationships in GOT are troubled and/or unconventional, built up over one season, hidden underneath layers of symbolism, or suffer from the fact that one or both partners are either dead or seperated (by this same token, Sansa’s other popular ships, Jonsa and Sansan, also suffer the same dearth of “development” or copious screen time. Arguably, Jonsa’s foundations were mostly built over the later seasons), 2) yeah, Tyrion could die (and I would be heartbroken but not blindsided) or Tyrion could live (but I would bet money that Sansa lives through the whole thing), 3) the show already put them through the most awkward phase of their “relationship” (i.e., their wedding night, though it was toned down compared to the books) and they can still sell this relationship in any number of ways (again, dialogue, color theory, looks, just holding hands again geez Louise), 4) Tyrion’s “love” for Daenerys is incredibly debatable and may only be used as fuel for a soap opera plot that I really hope doesn’t happen, but even the director of the S7 finale said Tyrion’s main concern was political and Dinklage proposed the idea that Tyrion only “think he’s in love” with Dany, that what most people feel for Dany is awe (I’m neither a Dany fan or hater, but it’s hard to deny that she’s shocking, enthralling, powerful, attractive, a force, for lack of a better term). Now, on to the practical/thematical reasons why I think this ship would work. Let’s use letters for this, haha. A) Fairy Tale parallels/Turning Tropes Upside Down: It’s easy to read inversions of fairy tale archetypes into Sansa’s storyline, as that is what her character is naturally drawn to: songs, princesses, true love, beauty. So far in the story she has learned that looks can be deceiving; life is not a song (though I wouldn’t be surprised if GRRM turns this on its head again, and Sansa simply learns that all great tales involve sorrow and darkness as well as joy and light--i.e., bittersweet vs. simply sweet); people are not black and white (Tyrion shows her that the Lannisters aren’t necessarily all evil and Littlefinger shows her that allies, even someone who loved her mother, are not necessarily all good); etc. Just some of the fairy tales/tropes that play into Sansa’s personal storyline and the subtext of Sansa x Tyrion include: Beauty and the Beast, Psyche and Cupid, Hades and Persephone, The Princess in the Tower archetype, and many, many more (I’ll meta about it one of these days--and there are already many excellent posts under the Sansa tag that expound on these). B) The Queen Elizabeth Theory: So Sansa has parallels with two remarkable historical Queen Elizabeths: Elizabeth of York and Queen Elizabeth I. Since this has been said by so many before, here’s a quote and link to the article as summary: “The show is based off the War of the Roses, the real-life family feud between the Lancasters and Yorks that ended with the two broods combining their houses. Since the storyline happening at the end of season seven is extremely similar to this moment in history, we can infer that GoT will follow that path...” Link C) Character Actions Written Especially For the Show: Just to name a few: GRRM purposely changed a moment in the books to where Sansa hands Tyrion a cup instead of him having to crawl underneath a table to do so; Tyrion remains loyal to his wedding vows (and this is probably inspired by his trauma for having killed his father and lover as well) even when it was very possible that Sansa had left him high-and-dry and the marriage was, in Tyrion’s own words, a “sham marriage”; Sansa and Tyrion both stick up for one another’s character, etc., and D) Also, aren’t they technically married? :-p [There’s a lot more, but again, I’ll save that for a future meta]

3. Sansan: While there may end up being a slight possibility in the books, I don’t think show-Sansa and show-Sandor are heading in this direction. However, the same fairytale motifs play into play here: Beauty and the Beast, Hades and Persephone, etc. Also, bridge4 over on Youtube has a fabulous analysis of the “unKiss” over on his channel, which I think could pop up in some shape or form in S8. Here’s the link

4. Sansa Alone: Also supports the Queen Elizabeth theory. Specifically, Elizabeth I “the Virgin Queen.” This would a different form of poetry/irony: Sansa, the one who wanted most to be a queen consort and be married to a handsome king and have babies, ends up as a queen (full-stop) but leverages her power as a single lady. Not my favorite ending for Sansa, as I’m Teh Unabashed Romantic, but it’s plausible, thematic, pragmatic. Only time will tell!

The Fate of the North, Night King, Direwolf Theorizing

Just spitballing various takes:

1. The war is “won” (as in mankind survives), but Winterfell or possibly the entire North is compromised. As in, perhaps they have to trade the North to the Winter King at the promise he won’t invade the rest of Westeros. Or Winterfell explodes, so the North and all of Westeros is saved but the Starks lose their home

2. The Starks deliberately blow up Winterfell, for any number of reasons. Perhaps a bunch of wights or what-nots ended up there. Perhaps the dead in the Crypts were resurrected, and this was the only way to neutralize that threat. Or something deeper and darker lurks in the Crypts, something worse than the Night King. In fact….

3. Maybe the true enemy ends up being something awoken within the Crypts of Winterfell, and the Night King is not what he seems….

4. The old gods play an unexpected role

5. The godswood is burned or ends up in splinters or is used to create a new throne (ending the age of iron, fire, blood and making this a “time for wolves”)

6. Sansa’s direwolf Lady is resurrected (of course, poor Lady is headless…) and manages to wound Cersei (if she gets her arse up north, which seems unlikely) before Cersei’s killed by whoever the heck the Valonquar is

7. Speaking of, could Ghost be the Valonquar? I mean, he was the runt, the littlest brother of the brood. Eh, dunno. I just don’t expect the Valonquar to be anything close to what we think he/she/it/them is.

8. I like the idea of parts of the ocean being permanently frozen over because of something the Night King does. Dunno why. I don’t think there’s any foreshadowing to that in the show; it just sounds cool, and represents a permanent consequence to the land. Because I do not expect there to be zero consequence for the landscape of Westeros itself. The Greyjoy’s are already kinda sorta doomed (with eunuch Theon being the last male of that line, unless Euron’s got a kid somewhere and he ends up surviving to take the throne and not be a dick about it), so it’d be a bit of tragic poetry if their islands, their seas were frozen and lifeless but thanks to their efforts the rest of Westeros is safe and their people will have to make a life on land

9. One or both remaining dragons are frozen for all timez

10. Sansa becomes Queen in the North or Queen of the Seven Kingdoms (is there really an in-between?)

Bonus

Lastly, here’s just an observation on an important part of Sansa’s storyline and character development: Arya Stark. I believe Sansa and Arya adopted different pieces of the original storylines in GRRM’s book proposal outline--not that I put much stock in the outline. Sansa was created, at first, to add tension to the Stark family. GRRM says he was surprised by Sansa’s developments; he also says he empathizes with whichever character he is currently writing, so I think he just naturally found things that he liked in Sansa that made her more than a complication device. Because his original vision included Arya as the sole Stark daughter, I wouldn’t be surprised if Sansa and Arya aren’t the result of this once singular character being developed into two very different ways. The archetypal Amazon Wild Child and the Princess in the Tower. Two sides of the same coin--or, in Ned’s words, Sansa is the sun to Arya’s moon and vice-versa. For this reason, I don’t put it past Sansa to continue developing her personal brand of Brave Northern Lady and Arya developing her personal brand of Brave Northern Lady. Because that is what they both are: brave, northern, ladies. Will Sansa find herself at the center of a love triangle? I really, really hope not, but at this point if it is gonna happen I find it much more likely with Sansa than with Arya.

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lala-kate · 6 years

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From End to Beginning: Ch. 4

@drevazambrano....I am your Secret Admirer! Happy Valentine’s Day from me and @lovefromoq! You’re getting Chapter 4 today and Chapter 5 tomorrow, but if you haven’t been reading From End to Beginning, (ff.net link here )don’t worry. These two chapters can be read as stand-alones. I thought this story would fit the bill for someone who prefers mature, parental OQ and enjoys angst.

And just so you know, FETB is Zelena free. :)

I’ll be posting both chapters on both AO3 and ff.net on tomorrow. I do hope you enjoy this, Amanda, and that your Valentine’s Day is fabulous. It was an honor and a joy to be your OQSA.

XO--Laura

Mr. Locksley,

I know this message will come as quite a shock to you, but I’ve just learned of your existence, and I’d like to meet you if you’re agreeable to this suggestion. I’m currently staying with my birth mother at her house on Piper Beach, a place I’m told you know fairly well. I just met her yesterday, and it’s a bit overwhelming, as I’m certain you can understand. But she’s lovely, a real fighter, and last night she told me your name and in doing so gave me the final puzzle piece to my life.

You see, my name is Henry. I’m twenty years old. And I’m your son.

Robin reads the email again, wondering if on the third reading the words will organize themselves differently. But they remain in the same order, the same meaning searing into his mind and seeping into his pores, waking him up in a manner he’d never before experienced.

My name is Henry. I’m twenty years old. And I’m your son.

Your son.

His son. Christ--he has a son?

His body tingles, his skin feels alive, the name Henry singeing veins and making him hot and cold at the same time. A son-his son. How long...why hadn’t...where did he...how in God’s name--?

Piper Beach. My birth mother. His son’s birth mother.

Regina Mills.

Regina--his first love, his sole love, the only woman he’s ever regretted, the only woman with whom he’d ever shared his heart. He can’t eat shrimp or drink Coke without thinking of her, has avoided the beach religiously since that summer, knowing the pull of the incoming tide would lull him back into a past from which he’d be loathe to leave. He’d kept the sand dollar she’d given him, one they’d found near their cave, the cave where they’d lost their virginity, the cave where they’d evidently conceived a child.

A son. His son. Their son.

Christ. Bloody, bloody Christ.

He’d left Regina at the end of that summer, hadn’t reached out to her to let her know that he and his mother had had to move in with her cousin after her cancer diagnosis, hadn’t sent her his new address because he’d been too ashamed of the fact that he’d given up his dreams and ambitions and had continued in work he’d hoped to leave behind him. She’d been accepted to Vassar. He worked in construction. He and his mother were practically penniless. She belonged to a society that would never see him as anything but the help. They were from totally different worlds, heading towards totally different futures. Why prolong something that would just break him in the end?

So he’d tried to block her out of his mind and memory, had ignored regret’s sting and guilt’s ugly head, and he’d moved forward as best as he could, trudging through life with a self-imposed limp. Without entanglements. Without attachments. Telling himself over and over that he’d done Regina a favor by staying out of her life. He’d set her free to pursue bigger and better things, to find someone who could give her all that she deserved in life rather than being attached to a man who’d struggled to pay for food and his mother’s medical bills.

But she’d been pregnant...with his baby...his son...a boy she’d evidently given up for adoption just after he was born. And she’d endured all of it--pregnancy, childbirth, and giving up her baby without him.

He’d been an eighteen year old jerk who’d tried his best to paint himself as a martyr.

And she’d been seventeen--seventeen--no more than a child herself. How hard had that been for her? Her heart was so tender, so open to love, so deserving of deep and undying affection, yet she’d handed over a child he knew she’d cherish with every bone in her body. Her family had the means to raise and care for her baby, so if she gave him away, she’d either felt backed into a corner and feared that having a child at such a young age would hold her back, or…

Or she’d been on her own and was given no choice. Had her family abandoned her? It certainly sounds like something her gorgon of a mother would have done, and her father never had the balls to stand up to her, at least according to what Regina told him.

Regina. Shit. Being with him that summer had cost her everything.

He doesn’t realize that his hands are shaking until he picks up his coffee mug and nearly spills its contents all over his kitchen table. He sets it down and rubs his hands through his hair, working off a nervous energy that’s taken control of his limbs.

Henry. His son. His and Regina’s son conceived twenty-one years ago. A living, breathing human being who wants to meet him, who is with her, who knows more about his past than he does himself. And at this moment, the two missing pieces from his life were together in the very place where he’d first felt truly alive even as a new life had been created.

That life is now twenty years old.

What the hell is he supposed to do?

He stands and paces the kitchen, rubbing hands over a face he’s certain has aged ten years in five minutes. His feet carry him back to his bedroom, back to his nightstand, into a drawer that holds a handful of things that are precious to him: a photograph of his mother, his grandfather’s pocket watch, a copy of his favorite high school math teacher’s letter of recommendation he’d been certain would help him be accepted into the college of his choice, and a picture of Regina on Piper Beach.

I’m currently staying with my birth mother at her house on Piper Beach, a place I’m told you know fairly well.

Piper Beach. That place had been imprinted into his very DNA that summer.

There are times he’s certain he still feels its sand between his toes and its salt in his lungs, and as he stares at her photograph, his throat thickens, thinking of all they experienced inside that cave by which she stands.

How they’d shaken as they touched each other in awe, as hands first explored what mouths would later taste, how they’d given each other everything and accepted everything in return. He’d nearly come apart when he’d entered her the first time, so in awe of how it felt to be inside a woman, not knowing then that no other woman he encountered would ever feel like her. He’d loved her with a purity he’d denied everyone else since then besides his mother, and he rubs his face again, feeling the beard that hadn’t existed when he’d kissed her for the first time.

He’d loved her. But he’d left her. And she had borne his son.

He doesn’t realize he’s crying at first, but he finally sits on his bed and allows tears to pour out of him like dam unleashed. Years of self-imposed loneliness and regret collide with his living past, a past he can no longer hide from, a past he both wants and fears to face.

We’ll get married once I finish college and get a job.

He’d made promises that cancer had broken as if they were no sturdier than a pile of matchsticks, promises he’d sealed with his grandmother’s ring yet walked away from when life got too hard. But Regina hadn’t been able to walk away, for his broken vows had taken root inside her womb, most likely marking her as a failure in her mother’s eyes and forcing her into a decision she should have never had to have made on her own.

Would she ever be able to forgive him if he asked? Will he ever be able to forgive himself.

His bag is half-packed before he realizes what he’s doing, and he calls Tuck on his way out the door. He knows his crew can take care of things while he’s gone--they’re good people, he’s chosen well. But he stalls once he’s inside his truck, leaving the key in the ignition as he lays his forehead on the wheel and tries to breathe.

He doesn’t need GPS to tell him how to get to his destination. He could hike to Piper Beach from memory and has often enough in his dreams. But two people are there now, two people who mean more than his own life, two people who have every right to hate him yet have reached out to invite him back.

Regina Mills. Henry Jones. His only love and their son.

He prays to God that he won’t fuck things up royally this time.

______________________________________________________________

Two and half hours later, he parks one block away, afraid of parking too close to her house, afraid of encroaching into her life again, wondering why when he’s already encroached far enough to forever alter her life. He stares at the ocean, at the play of sunlight on water, at the fluidity of the horizon, at the depth of his guilt.

A boy is waiting for him--no, a young man, rather, a child he should have known but never got to meet, a son he should have held at least once. He’s certain Regina held their baby before she gave him away, and his heart nearly shatters at the thought of what that did to her.

If he’d been there, would things have been different? What could he have offered a wife and child at the age of nineteen besides debt, disappointment and desperate times?

He could have been there. That’s about it. But Regina deserved at least that, and he’d stripped her of that right, as well.

He rubs his face again, remembering now that he’d forgotten to shave before he jumped into his truck and took off without looking back, and he chuckles to himself as he takes a final swig of cold, gas station coffee. What sort of picture will he make for this son he’s never known? What impression must he already have of him, of a man who would leave a teenage mother alone and uncared for without a forwarding address?

Had she written to him? He’s certain that she did, and he closes his eyes to sunlight that’s now too bright as he steps out of his truck and onto pavement sprinkled with sand.

As sand through an hourglass, he thinks to himself, gazing out upon a landscape that shifts at the will of the tides. Did any sand from that summer remain, he wonders, hidden in crevices just out of the ocean’s reach? Perhaps in their cave, tucked away with memories too precious and pure to disturb by the present, even though his present was crafted within its walls. He looks to his right, half tempted to visit the cave before he faces the two people in this world he owes more than he can ever pay, regardless of the size of his bank account.

He owes them a life. He owes them everything.

A breeze hits him then, ruffling his shirt and hair, pushing him away from the shore to which he is bound even as it carries the scent of forever in its wake. He removes his shoes as he steps into the sand, closing his eyes again as he allows it to caress his toes. One step, then another, until the sand becomes firm and the water licks his feet. Gulls fly overhead, as do pelicans, and he watches their V-formation in fascination, half wishing he could soar with them back in time and correct what he’d forever messed up.

But he can’t. He can only move forward and face those he left behind.

He turns to his left and begins to walk, pausing only to roll up his pants legs until they nearly reach his knees. They’d sneaked kisses all over this beach, had held hands and played in the surf, swam in the ocean and ridden the waves. They’d tried to have sex in the water once, only to end up being knocked over repeatedly and laughing until their sides hurt. Then they’d gone to their cave where they’d caressed and made up for lost time.

Lost time, he murmurs, his words carried away by the wind and surf. Sand through an hourglass, indeed.

He spies the cottage, a reclaimed relic now brimming with life, and his heart thuds in time with the surf, making him stop to catch his breath and regroup. Are they inside, he wonders, talking, connecting, getting to know each other after his decisions tore them apart? He sees nobody at the shore, so he assumes that they must be, and he forces himself to start moving again, to keep his gaze steady and his direction marked.

He will face the mess that he made of their lives. He has to. Regina and Henry deserve no less.

Kites fly further down the beach, and he imagines what it would have been like to fly kites with his son, to teach him to swim and to fish, to play frisbee and ball and read stories together at night. Did Henry have that growing up? Had he been given a father who loved him, who read to him, who took him camping and swimming and taught him how to treat a woman?

As if he had any room to judge on that final matter.

His hand runs through his hair as her cottage looms closer, and he swallows repeatedly, counting steps, marking off years, thinking of all the birthdays he missed, all the milestones, all the years of knowing a piece of him was living and breathing just out of his reach. He wonders what he looks like, what she looks like now, how he should greet them, what he should say? The questions keep tumbling around in his mind until everything stills into mist as he reaches the front porch and stops short.

His life. His family, or what should have been his family. They’re right through that door. And he can’t approach it for the life of him.

There’s a noise from inside, a door, perhaps, and he swallows again as he seeks the courage to move. Just do it, he tells himself. You’ve come this far, and you owe it to him, no, to them. Henry initiated contact, and to walk away now would be the worst kind of cowardice, so he takes one more step, and then another, and then another until he’s at the front door, fist raised to knock, heart in his hands.

For Regina, he murmurs. For Henry. Then he takes a deep breath and knocks.

Seconds tick by, and he wonders if he should knock again when the knob turns from the inside and the door swings open. His past stands before him, alive and breathing, staring at him with the same bewilderment Robin knows is splashed across his face.

God, he’s taller than he’d imagined, with hair a color right in between his and Regina’s and a straightforward gaze he’d inherited from his mom. He can’t look away from him, trying his best to remember words he’d practiced in the car, words he’d repeated and repeated until they’d been burned into memory, words that have deserted him along with his dignity at the sight of a twenty year old young man.

“H-Henry? Henry Jones?”

The words tumble out with no shape or form, crashing in between them into shards of curiosity. Eyes crease, a mouth opens and closes again as the surf continues to pound behind them.

“You must be Robin.”

There’s a tinge of fear in Henry’s voice, and he won’t have that, not for all the tea in China.

“I am,” he manages. “I-I got your email.”

Blue locks with brown as the tide presses in, then a tentative smile breaks, a young hand extends, and contact is made that sears him forever. Only one other person has marked him physically like this, the same one he’d marked in return with his child.

“I’m so glad you came,” Henry says, shaking his head in wonder, obviously just as nervous as he is. “I wasn’t sure that you would, especially this quickly.”

He feels released and bound all at once.

“Why wouldn’t you doubt me when I’ve been absent your entire life.”

His chin quivers, and tears too persistent to fight break free. Then younger arms take a hold of his shoulders and guide him inside, into the very cabin Regina’s mother had forbidden him to enter even as he’d entered her womb. He’s intruding on her yet again.

“I know you didn’t know,” Henry says with a shake of his head. “About me. Regina told me that.”

He’s sitting on a sofa looking at a boy he should have met twenty years ago, trying to pull himself out of the surreality of it all.

“I didn’t,” he mutters, trying his best to steady his voice and his hand. “I had no idea until this morning. God, if I’d known…”

The words fracture apart before spilling out of him, leaving a bitter taste in his mouth he fully deserves.

“She tried to tell you,” Henry continues. “But she couldn’t find you. I think it’s only fair that you know that.”

He nods through his tears, trying to make out his son’s face through blurry vision.

“I assumed as much,” Robin returns. “Trust me, I hold no blame for anyone in this situation except for myself.”

A dark cloud envelopes him, even as sunlight warms his neck, yet his fingers are frozen, as if his body is suspended between two realities. He hears Henry get up and walk across the room to grab some glasses and fill them with ice, and he wipes his face quickly, needing to see details, wanting to memorize everything even if it shreds him to bits.

“Water?”

He takes the glass and sips from it gratefully.

“Thank you,” Robin says. “And not just for the water.”

Henry’s eyes study him, eyes that are filled with his mother’s intelligence and curiosity.

“So you’re glad I contacted you? I--we weren’t sure that you would be.”

The question hovers between them as Robin breathes it in.

“I’m very glad,” he assures his son. “And also very ashamed.”

Ice tinkles in the glass Henry picks up.

“You were a kid,” Henry states, taking a sip of his own water. “And you didn’t know.”

“I should have been there for you,” Robin insists. “For you and your mother. If I was old enough to father a child, I was old enough to own the responsibility.”

Henry quirks his head as he sets his water down on the end table.

“You were younger than I am now. You both were.”

Air rushes out of Robin’s lungs as he rubs his hand over his head.

“I know,” he replies. “And I’m sure I would have made plenty of mistakes with you. But I still should have been there, for both of you.”

“You’re here now,” Henry says. The words settle into his chest, releasing one knot as yet another forms. “God knows you didn’t have to come, but you did.”

“Of course I had to come,” Robin replies. “You’re--Christ, Henry, you’re my son.”

They stare at each other, forging the beginnings of a connection that hints at redemption.

“So you’re alright with having a son?” Henry asks.

“I’m blown away,” Robin admits. “It all still seems surreal, like I’m in the middle of a dream or something, but yes. I’m more than alright with having a son. I just wish…”

Emotions overpower speech, and he inhales to restore the balance.

“I just wish I could have known you sooner.”

Henry’s hand reaches out and lays atop his own, the contact so mesmerizing he almost cannot breathe.

“I had a good life. You don’t have to worry about that.”

He’s crying again then, nodding, relieved, and more ashamed than he’s ever been in his life.

“I’m so glad,” Robin says. “I’m just sorry I couldn’t have been the one to give you that life.”

“But you did, in a way,” Henry states. “I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you. You gave me life in the first place, you and Regina. And then she gave me a new life when she gave me up for adoption, a life I’ve never regretted, not one single day.”

He wipes his face with his arm, reaching out for his water and taking a drink.

“That’s good,” Robin returns, pulling his composure back together piece by piece. “And even if I’d been there for your mother, we might have had to make the same decision. I had nothing to offer her, much less a child…” His words break off as he stares out the window at the sea. “But she shouldn’t have had to make that decision by herself. That wasn’t fair.”

“No,” Henry agrees. “It wasn’t. But maybe you can be there for her now.”

He realizes with a start that he has no idea where she is, and he looks around the small cabin, somehow knowing she’s not here at the moment.

“She’s at the grocery,” Henry answers before he asks. “And just so you know, she has no idea I contacted you.”

“Shit,” he murmurs, only to shake his head. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…”

“No,” Henry interrupts. “You’re right. I was going to tell her sometime today, because I thought I had more time. She was nervous about how you’d respond to finding out about me, and I honest to God didn’t think you’d respond as quickly as you did.”

The thought of Regina seeing him out of the blue just after meeting their son sets his nerves on edge. She’s been through enough on his account. The least he can do is allow Henry to give her a proper warning that he’s come back into their lives after a twenty-one year absence.

“I should leave” Robin asks, standing up quickly. “Just so she doesn’t have to see me without warning after all these years. I could go get a room somewhere close by, then you--”

The sound of a car door closing interrupts him, and he gazes back at his son wide-eyed.

“I think it’s too late for that,” Henry says, looking somewhat concerned himself. “It sounds like she just got home.”

He’s frozen in time and space, everything suspended in slow motion as he looks from his son to the front door, wondering if he should hide, if he should sit down, if he should run out the side door like the guilty teenager who’d left her alone and pregnant? But his feet won’t budge, so he stands there like a condemned man begging for a pardon he doesn’t deserve.

Then he hears her on the porch as his lungs tighten and his palms grow damp. He watches as the handle turns and the door swings open, then he’s looking at the woman who forever changed his life, a woman who is more beautiful than she’d been as a girl, a woman he’d put through hell and back because he’d loved her.

She sees him. Time stops. And all of the groceries clatter to the floor.

#outlaw queen #love from oq #valentine's day #Regina Mills #Robin Hood #Henry Mills #from end to beginning #Laura writes

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shemakesmusic-uk · 3 years

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Ladyhawke is back with a brand new single, ‘Guilty Love’. The first taster of a new album, due to arrive later this year, the track features fellow popsters BROODS. Ladyhawke – real name Pip Brown – explains: “‘Guilty Love’ came about after some writing sessions with Tommy English in Los Angeles. Georgia Nott from BROODS came along to one of our sessions, and after we were talking a while, we realised we had all grown up Catholic. We shared stories and experiences; Georgia then suggested we write a song about shame”. “‘Guilty Love’ is important to Georgia and me for different reasons. Personally, growing up in the Catholic school system, as I reached my teens, I started to feel immense shame and denial about my sexuality. I suffered the constant fear of being judged and alienated by my friends and family. These feelings took a long time to shake off and work through. ‘Guilty Love’ is a way to share our experiences, and hopefully help anyone going through the same thing to know they’re not alone.” Georgia from BROODS adds “’Guilty Love’ came from the classic “in-studio heart to heart”. We talked about growing up religiously and how we carried a lot of shame around the idea of what a woman (or person) should be. This song is about that but also about finding our own way back to a sense of spirituality through love. The love that once caused so much guilt, ended up being the most healing and spiritual. END CONVERSION THERAPY EVERYWHERE!” Too bloody right. ‘Guilty Love’ comes with a video fitting of the song’s message. [via Dork]

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Atlanta-based pop artist Siena Liggins shared her video 'No Valet' on Thursday, the second single from her upcoming debut album Ms. Out Tonight. The track serves as the follow-up to 'Dirty Girl' alongside Yung Baby Tate, seeing the singer take viewers from the dancefloor to the backseat of a car in the club parking lot. The quirky clip finds Liggins adorned and surrounded by sparkly glitz, cowboy hats, and disco balls, playfully performing with a full band. "'No Valet' is steamy, downtempo braggadocio disguised as a backseat car anthem for whatever happens after the after-party," Siena explained to FADER about the song. “I was listening to a lot of old songs produced by Timbaland before [producer] Nydge laid down this really sexy bassline that put me in the mood for something steamy and dreamy at the same time.... It’s the confidence I get after the function is over and the groove I need when I’m talking my shit." [via The FADER]

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London's Mychelle is certainly an individual. Freshly signed to FAMM - the same management company as Jorja Smith and ENNY - her new single 'The Way' is a subtle but deeply powerful piece of songwriting. Soft and soulful, it relishes on nuance, allowing the most subtle element to rise and grapple with intensity. Mychelle's video for 'The Way' was shot on Hackney Downs in East London - fact fans might not that it's close to our office. Directed by photographer Michaela Quan it's a beautiful glimpse into her world. [via Clash]

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Pussy Riot have announced a new EP called Panic Attack, due out next week — March 11. As a preview of the impending release, they’re sharing 'Sexist', a bold new single featuring fellow Russian rapper Hofmannita, which comes with an unforgettable NSFW music video. 'Sexist' is the second single Pussy Riot have shared from Panic Attack, following 'Toxic', their collaboration with Dorian Electra and 100 gecs’ Dylan Brady. Produced by White Punk and Count Baldor, 'Sexist' is a dark electro-pop hip-hop song about the severity of rape culture. Pussy Riot and Hofmannita take turns telling the fictional story of a heroine being invited to a hotel room by a male governmental official, being harassed, and, unable to escape, murdering him in self-defense. Consider shielding your screen before hitting play on the song’s music video. In the NSFW clip, various nude men pose as pieces of furniture while the singers casually push them around with collars and whips. Peppered throughout is plenty of latex apparel, BDSM positioning, and generally regal decor. According to Pussy Riot member Nadya Tolokonnikova, the video is meant to inverse the main premise of the patriarchal culture. “Instead of women and queer people being objectified and serving as furniture, we use sexist pigs as furniture,” she said in a statement. “The video does not encourage to oppress anyone, but rather satirically highlights arbitrary and absurd nature of any oppression.” [via Consequence of Sound]

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my-mystic-messenger · 7 years

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Who’s the RFA virgin?

Gurl. GUUURL! This was so interesting to write what the heck?!

Hope you enjoy! :3 P.S - some of these have rather intense and heavy content so for those who are sensitive to it, read with auction P.S.S – changed some of the character symbols to make it prettier and more fitting in my opinion P.S.S.S – Rika was aged up for plot purposes, because the actual MM time line is messed up and inconsistent to say the least

Zen

♬ Zen was rather young when he lost his virginity, maybe a little too young, only fifteen years old

♬ he’d just been kicked out by his parents and found himself stumbling from one troubling situation to the other

♬ he was homeless, lonely and all for a dream he didn’t even know whether it would come true or not; in other words, he was vulnerable

♬ in a life where everything was changing and sadly for the worse the only positive constant were Zen’s stunning looks, something he soon learned to use to his advantage

♬ he knew how women responded to him and somehow that made him feel good – if he ignored the quiet voice of disgust nagging at the back of his mind

♬ Zen lost his virginity to the wife of the gang leader, an older, mature woman that couldn’t be described as anything cougar

♬ when he husband was busy and couldn’t take care of her needs he allowed her to keep a pet, in this case it turned out to be Zen

♬ she took control of the situation, taking whatever she wanted from his young body while Zen merely watched with admiration, pleasure claiming the both of them

♬ she made rode him until she’d come twice before finally taking care of him, showing him what pleasure could feel like

♬ he learned a lot from her over the course of the next year and while it was his sexual awakening, it was also the beginning of a downfall

Yoosung

★ he was a virgin until you stumbled into his life

★ the two of you dated for quite some time until you finally had sex

★ not because you wanted to wait, but because he was scared shitless at the idea of having sex with you for the first time

★ what if he sucked?!

★ he was so nervous about the whole ordeal, you were actually the one to initiate it

★ it wasn’t the most romantic or glorious of first times, but it also wasn’t half bad

★ for one, the whole thing was over pretty quickly, since Yoosung didn’t really last long

★ who knew excessive jerking off didn’t help at all!!

★ still, Yoosung was extremely gentle, making sure to hurt you as little as possible as well as trying his best to take care of you even when he was finished himself

★ it reminded you a little of Bambi learning to walk but hey, once they walk they learn to run and boy did Yoosung learn over time

Jumin

♛ he was so celibate until he met you, you could have called him Saint Jumin

♛ not for lack of sexual desire, he just had better things to spend his time with

♛ but then you came along and boy did you wake the animal inside of him

♛ suddenly he was so overwhelmed with desire he almost broke the vow he’d made to himself

♛ but, being the man of his words he reigned in his suddenly overwhelming urges and married you instead

♛ you shared your first time during the honeymoon and while it was a surprisingly passionate affaire, as expected from Jumin Han it was also very…calculated?

♛ it was obvious that Jumin tried to compensate his lack of experience with a lot of research, a fact that made you laugh once you imagined Jumin googling sex tips and tricks

♛ it’s also important to note that Jumin is a very generous lover, worshipping every inch of you

♛ he made sure you came at least once before he even thought about actually penetrating you

♛ by the end of the honeymoon he’d learned quite a couple of tricks and you were pleasantly worn out and sated

Saeyoung/Seven

☽ Saeyoung too was a virgin until he met you, both by circumstance as well as choice

☽ despite experiencing certain needs, Saeyoung had always made sure to control himself and keep his focus trained on more important things; like his work

☽ he might seem scatter brained to a lot of people, but he actually always had things under control and knew that it had to remain so in order to keep his brother safe

☽ when he met you, however, his priorities started to waver and shift as his interest in you grew beyond anything he’d ever experienced

☽ luckily he managed to push you away long enough to safe his brother and keep his conscience clean

☽ much like Jumin, Saeyoung too insisted on waiting until after you were married

☽ for one it was due to religious reasons, but it also gave him the chance to sort his life and himself out, finally being a man he thought was good enough for you

☽ your first time together went surprisingly smooth, considering both your lack of experience

☽ in fact, it was quite the pleasant experience mostly due to the fact that you’d gotten to know one another so well in theory it made the actual practice so much easier

☽ it was like the two of you finally found the part that had been missing and no amount of inexperience could ruin such a holy bound

Saeran

☾ much like Zen, Saeran lost his virginity too soon and under wrong circumstances

☾ it was one of those moments in life that in the moment seem like not that big of a deal, good even, but later on come to haunt you in ways you never expected them to

☾ Saeran had just lost his brother and his home, forced to live with a young woman he didn’t know and didn’t trust

☾ lucky for him, Rika was a good person unlike his mother had been

☾ she was beautiful and kind with a soothing voice and an even more soothing touch

☾ the older he got, the more demanding Rika became, however and instead of soothing her words grew cold and cutting

☾ Saeran would have done anything to please her, just so he could get the kind Rika back, the one that had saved him

☾ little did he know that it was all part of her plan and so was the night they spent together where she seduced him, binging him to her once and for all

☾ Saeran did very little, old enough to understand what was going on but too young to fully process it

☾ it was the first of many night to follow, the step towards his downfall

Jihyun/V

☼ Jihyun much like Saeran lost his virginity to Rika, although the events were much less traumatizing

☼ him and Rika had been dating for a while, steadily falling in love

☼ they’d just moved in together, happily starting their new life when they decided to take the next step in their relationship

☼ neither of them had ever really dated and most certainly not been as in love as they were with one another

☼ they decided to lose their virginity to one another together, planning the entire event

☼ both of them wanted it to be a special moment, something they’d never regret looking back on

☼ they went out on a fancy date in the evening, returning home late in the night pleasantly buzzed from the nice wine but far from drunk

☼ they lit scented candles in the bedroom, even going to the length of spreading rose paddled on the sheets

☼ they took things slow, exploring one another until finally becoming one

☼ despite everything that happened after, despite the horrible things they did to one another, it was that very moment that they’d never came to regret no matter what

#mystic messenger #mysme #zen #jumin han #saeyoung choi #saeran choi #jihyun kim #yoosung kim #hyun ryu #jumin #707 #seven #saeran #unknown #v #yoosung #request #headcanon

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downsbeatrice · 4 years

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Save Virginity Until Marriage Fascinating Useful Tips

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Divorce How To Prevent It

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How To Save A Long Distance Relationship From Falling Apart

The other party from being physically intimate for long periods of turmoil.If you look hard enough odds are great, so don't rush.You may not be the one influence the tender minds of youngsters as they all get into trouble.This is important that you can dream together and we will be some of these signs existing between you right now, it doesn't matter how hard it may be.We hate being told to apologize as we want, but ultimately, any real help.

Another tip that can help save most marriages.Are your needs being met -- physically and emotionally?It's not as if you cannot do that, the really important to respect each other's side of the week but would desperately like to feel sorry for yourself Every now and this will help you prevent yourselves from disappointing each other.Depending on your team looking for some married couple.When both learn to love your spouse and immediately start working on yourself might salvage your marriage to last.

#Save Virginity Until Marriage Fascinating Useful Tips #Save A Loveless Marriage

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cameoamalthea · 7 years

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Half-Dragons

In the DnD campaign my husband is running we are going to visit a village of half-dragons. In D&D a half-dragon is a cross between a dragon and some other unrelated creature. Also in D&D, certain types of dragons are evil.

One of our player characters was given a quest to get black dragon scales and green dragon scales. Rather than fighting one of those types of dragons our party is going to visit the half-dragon village, a commune in the Dark Forest where half-dragons outcast by society have formed a colony/retreat.

Black Dragons: The vile tempered and cruel of all evil dragons. They are sadistic, even preferring to eat sentient beings so they can enjoy their food suffering, and above all love cruelty and hurting others alongside ruin and misfortune.

Green Dragons: The most cunning and treacherous of all evil dragons. They are master manipulators who revel in corrupting people and/or hoarding them like possessions. They enjoy bending others to their will, betraying/tricking others, lying, manipulation, and eating elves.

So these sorts of dragons don’t seem like they would be very good parents or very good romantic partners so that begs a ‘how did that happen?’ For any green or black half dragon and the DM wasn’t sure, so I offered to come up with some back stories.

So if you like messed up back stories, here are our 3 Green Half-Dragons and 1 Black Half-Dragon and 1 White Half-Dragon

Corradinus (Corry) Bognár

Race: Black Half-Dragon, Half-Human

(Warning: This is very dark. TW rape, death, torture, attempted infanticide/child abuse)

Corry’s mother, Lady Ravenna, was the daughter of a powerful noblemen whose father, Count Bognar rebelled against his league lord, the Duke, who then laid seigue to his keep. The war was made worse by flooding, which led to failed harvests and famine. With his people starving, Count Bagnar was forced to surrender and the Duke set fire to keep to teach the Count a lesson about rebellion. The Count’s family, along with a few trusted servants fled, eventually turning to the treacherous swamp lands for refuge from the Duke’s men.

It was there the dragon found them.

Cory’s father, Mergandevinsander, was a black dragon who lived in the dreaded swamp lands which surrounded Count Bognar’s land. Like all black dragons he was evil and sadistic. When he came upon the refuges he killed them. Slowly.

Ravenna watched as her mother was swallowed alive and her nurse-maid half melted by the dragon’s acid breathe. All the while the dragon taunted her of the pain he had in store for her. She tried to bargain with him, promising it the wealth of her father’s keep (and hoping to lead it to the Duke’s forces where one foe might destroy the other at least). The dragon agreed, if only give her false hope. When they returned to the keep it was a ruin and there was nothing there of value. Ravenna saw her father’s head mounted above what was left of the gate and lost all will to live.

“Just kill me” said Ravenna.

“No”

Rather than allowing her to escape her pain Mergandevinsander transformed himself into the likeness of the Duke and raped the girl.

The dragon made the ruins his home, and was soon joined by a band of kobolds who served him there, and kept the girl as a toy for a time. When Ravenna became pregnant he kept her under watch and had his kobolds care for her. He wanted to see her face when the she saw the thing she gave birth too.

When she was closer to the end of her pregnancy he let her go. Let her wander pregnant and cursed, unable to seek help without any who helped her seeing the thing growing inside her.

When her baby was born Ravenna was so horrified at the sight of it she through it into a river. Miraculously, or perhaps due to his black dragon heritage, the baby survived and was found by a Priest of Ilmater.

Given that Ilmater is the god of compassion. The clergy dedicated themselves to providing healing and succor to all in need, whatever the cost to themselves, as they believed life was sacred and that suffering to preserve it was holy. Given that, the priest had pity, even for a child such as this.

With the baby was a scroll, a final letter from his mother asking his forgiveness for what she about to do and explaining the circumstances of his birth.

Corradinus was raised in a monastery as a cleric of Ilmater and later dedicated himself to learning combat so that he could defend the weak, specializing in non-lethal techniques and sparing his opponents pain where possible.

Class: One level of cleric, the rest Monk

Personality:

Although Black Dragons are knows for being the most evil-tempered and vile of all dragons, Dinus is perhaps the most sweet-tempered and kind of all half-dragons. He is generous, friendly and helpful. He is very devoted to his god Ilmater and tries to embody the tenant’s of his faith. He also enjoys the idea of being a dashing hero, favoring a rapier as his weapon and doing his best to be gallant and charming.

Appearance: Think Night-Crawler but black and with scales, and violet eyes

Blerta Song

Race: Half Green Dragon, Half-Gnome

(Warning: Weird Kinks, Sexual Harassment)

Her father, Hamnet Von Kinky-Gnome, had a lot of fetishes (possibly all of them). Being a gnome was fortunate because one of his major kinks was larger women. He also had a thing for scales. It was very fortunate Hamnet lived in a world where larger creatures and sentient creatures with scales existed.

Unfortunately, most creatures don’t enjoy being fetishized, especially not by creepy gnomes.

In many ways, that’s why, the green dragon Verthandantalynx was perfect for Hamnet. When the villagers of Trenahess, who worshipped the green dragon, offered Hamnet as a sacrifice to her, his response was:

“vore me mommy”

Verthandantalynx found this incredibly creepy and off putting, and asked:

“Seriously?What is wrong with you?”

Before clarifying that she wasn’t going to eat him if he was turned on by it (because that would be weird). He informed her that there wasn’t a thing she could do that wouldn’t turn him on.

He then proceeded to tell her how beautiful she was and how wonderful she was in every way. Her vanity, and green dragons are very vain creatures, eventually overcame her discomfort. Although there was no challenge in bending the gnome to her will, having a willing and adoring pet seemed like it could be fun for awhile…

She she laid a clutch of tiny (for her) eggs and sent Hamnet away because he shouldn’t be anywhere near children. Only one of the eggs hatched and from that egg was born a baby green half-dragon. She gave the baby to her followers to raise, and they named her Blerta.

The dragon instructed her worshippers to raise Blerta and make sure ‘she doesn’t turn out like her father.’ So she was raised to be the most proper and pure maiden possible, and as a teenager was given a Paladan who was a member of the order Beloved of Lurue. These followers of the unicorn goddess Lurue take a vow of chastity, and the villagers figured that joining an all female order of virgins sworn to forsake earthly bonds would keep Blerta from turning out like her father.

The Paladan, for her part, thought that adopting a tiny half-dragon girl sounded a lot better than being fed to much less tiny mother. As far as being captured by an evil dragon worshipping cult goes, adopting a teenage girl is not the worst outcome.

Upon learning that the girl’s name was Blerta Song, the Cleric’s unicorn companion, Silver, suggested dropping by the bard’s college to get the girl music lessons, because ‘can you imagine a Bard named Blerta Song?’

Class: Paladan/Bard

Personality: “Lurue teaches that life is there to be lived, and one should live it with zest and flair. Adventures and quests should be taken on a whim and life should be filled with good times and laughter.” Blerta enjoys singing with cute woodland creatures and writing songs about the forest. She is a bit vain, being raised as the sacred child of the dragon her village worshipped and can be bossy. She enjoys attention. However, the core of her religious devotion is goodness, kindness and chastity.

Appearance: Chibi green dragon monster-girl

Midori Takehiko

Race: Half-Green Dragon, Half-High Elf

(Warning: Discussion of Sexuality, strong language)

Midori’s mother was an elven princess named Aoi, who was offered as a sacrifice to the Green Dragon Claugiyliamatar. While green dragons generally enjoy eating elves, Claugiyliamatar was intrigued by Aoi’s fearlessness and cunning. She saw in her a useful servant and the two became fast friends.

In short, they were both cunning, manipulative bitches who likes the idea of power and freedom. Claugiyliamatar could transform a dragon into a human using magic and of all her kind was perhaps the most gifted at changing shape. She took Aoi as a lover, offering whatever form the elf princess preferred. Since Claugiyliamatar could shape shift, when Aoi suggested using a strap-on she simply altered anatomy. This led to a discussion about having children, which Aoi wanted as she liked the idea of having someone who would love her absolutely.

So Midori was born to an evil interspecies lesbian couple and raised to be a cunning princess.

Class: Rogue Assassin/Monk

Personality: Think Loki meets Azula

Appearance: Green Half-Dragon

Thanth Halen

(Half Green Dragon, Half-Human)

(Warning: None really, bad names and kidnapping I guess)

His father, Led Axle Halen, was a famous bard who toured across the land, beloved by all, and his music caught the attention of a Green dragon, Fll'Yissetat, who kidnapped him as her personal pet/music. She herself had once been held captive for a time and informed him that meant she ‘didn’t want to hear him complain about it.’ If he wanted for company, she could give it to him. Since he missed the company of his groupies, he agreed.

Their offspring, Thanth, inherited more human characteristics. He is incredibly muscular and handsome. He also inherited his father’s musical talent.

Class: Bard/Barbarian

Personality: Viking God of Rock

Appearance: Muscular man with long hair, muscular arms, green dragon wings and horns like a green dragon. He is very sexy.

Ed Snowflake

Race: Half White Dragon, Half Orc

No one is quite sure how this happened, as white dragons are feral, vicious and basically animals famed for being really stupid for a dragon. Ed offers no clue as to how his parents met because Ed doesn’t seem to be able to speak. Or at least, if he can speak, he probably doesn’t know very many words.

Class: Barbarian

Personality: Think Ed the Hyena from the Lion King meets the Tasmanian Devil from Looney Toons

Appearance: Imagine a white dragon crossed with an Orc.

#dungeons and dragons

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queertheology · 7 years

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When and How to Have Sex

Celibacy The First Time.

I was taught one thing about sex: don’t have it until you’re married. That’s it. That was the entirety of my sexual education. I wasn’t taught about intimacy or consent or safer sex. I wasn’t even taught about the mechanics of it. It was assumed that since sex was natural once you got married you’d just figure it out. In fact, that was pretty much promised: if you waited until you got married to have sex you would have a wonderful and fulfilling sex life.   But only if you were heterosexual.

Ah yes. Queer and transgender people weren’t supposed to exist. And when they did exist they were supposed to either cease existing or, barring that, remain celibate forever.

I grew up with all of these messages that basically said sex was either super dirty and wrong or a holy mystical union between a man and his wife. And I felt on the outside of both conversations.

As I was coming to terms with the fact that I wasn’t straight (I had no language for gender identity at this point) I wasn’t all that interested in sex. Probably because I didn’t know anything about it. What I was interested in was intimacy. I wanted to be close to another person. I wanted to hold and be held. I wanted to kiss someone. I wanted to not feel so damn alone. I was also determined to still be a good evangelical Christian. I promised myself (and anyone who would listen) that I was going to be celibate forever. I thought that was the only way to honor God.

The truth? It was the only way to make my conservative Christian church (and family) happy.   I held firm in my commitment to celibacy…until I fell in love. Those who ask us to remain celibate forever ask us to deny ourselves of companionship and closeness. I do believe there are people who are called to celibacy (either for a certain time or for a lifetime) but it is not all queer people; that belief is toxic and needs to go.

No Sex Until Marriage.

I didn’t mean to fall in love it just did. I wrestled with my faith again and decided that I would simply wait to have sex until I was married. Sure, the church wouldn’t recognize my marriage, but so what. I would still be honoring what I thought was right.

Now here’s where it gets really complicated. I was with someone I was really attracted to. I wanted to have sex. But I didn’t think I could have sex until I was married. So we rushed into marriage. From the time we met to the time we got married it was only about a year.

Looking back I cringe because we were clearly not ready to get married. Neither of us were financially secure. We still were getting to know one another. There were all sorts of red flags that I ignored and so much of it is because of sex.

We were attracted to one another, definitely. But ready for a lifetime commitment? No.

We waited until we got engaged and then we had sex. And it was okay. Not great. It wasn’t the life changing thing I had been promised. Now, some people will say that’s because we were queer. Or not married yet.

I think it’s because no one had told me a damn thing about how to have sex.

Look, sex is natural. And it’s also a skill that needs to be learned. You need to know your body. You need to learn your partner’s body. You need to learn how to communicate in the heat of the moment. That doesn’t happen overnight. It doesn’t happen instantly even if you’ve had sex a million times before or if this is your first time. There are new things to learn.

And now that we were having sex I also felt like we couldn’t break up. I had given my virginity away! No one else would ever want me! We had to stay together forever! Sounds bonkers, right? Except that’s what the evangelical church tells people. If you have sex you are basically ruined. So don’t have it. And if you do…well….

So now I’m married and sex is still complicated and crowded with guilt. I can’t talk to anyone about it because my Christian friends still think I am living in sin and my queer friends don’t really understand my hang ups. Plus, I’ve never talked about sex so I don’t really know how to do it. It makes me uncomfortable, as if I am talking about something dirty or wrong.   I don’t feel dirty or wrong when I’m having sex. I don’t feel like I am doing anything wrong. But still these weird feelings about what one can and cannot talk about linger. And so I don’t have anyone to talk to to see if what I am experiencing is normal or good. I don’t have anyone to learn from. It just feels complicated and hard.   And honestly? I feel a little cheated. I was promised that if I waited sex would be mind blowing all the time and every time from the jump. And it’s not. So what, exactly had I been waiting for?   Then I start to wonder if I had really been ready to get married. If sex had been off the table would we still have chosen to get married? Maybe if we had just had sex we would have dated longer or moved in together first and waited to see if we were actually compatible.

And then I transitioned to male. Now we add gender into an already swirling mix of life and sex and religion and the center could not hold. We tried. We went to counseling. I tried to be less of who I was, but even that was too much for her. She told me she was no longer attracted to me as I laid shirtless in our bed, bearing the scars of my relatively recent chest surgery. My first thought? Shame about my body. I asked her to hand me a shirt. I covered myself up.

We went our separate ways and it felt like every doomsday prophecy ever spoken over my life had come to pass. Queer people couldn’t find lasting relationships. Transgender people had weird bodies that no one would ever really love. And once again I had no one to talk to.

I dipped a toe into the online dating world. I even went on one date. The whole thing just felt exhausting. I either had to not put that I was transgender in my profile and then worry about coming out or rejection or I could put it in my profile and spend all of my time explaining what being transgender meant. Through it all the voices of my ex rang in my head, “I’m not attracted to you anymore.” That voice danced with my own insecurities about my body; about who would want a body like mine.

Celibacy Revisited.

After spending way too much time scrolling through OK Cupid, feeling distracted as I thought about dating, and still feeling weary over the break up of my marriage, I decided that I would be celibate again. This time it was different, though. I wasn’t choosing celibacy because I thought sex was wrong or because I thought it was required of me, I was choosing it because I wanted to focus on other things. By taking dating off of the table I was able to invest in my writing, starting QueerTheology.com, working toward ordination, and a host of other things.   I chose celibacy for reasons that had very little to do with sex, but instead had to do with where I wanted to invest my energy. The years I spent celibate mostly healed me from the break up of my marriage. I was able to get really clear on who I was and what I wanted. I was able to figure out what the truth was about my personality. What things were actual flaws and what were damaging messages that were untrue? I finally had time to figure out my identity, to figure out what I wanted out of my life, to figure out what I liked and didn’t like. I was amazed to find how disconnected I had become from my own self. Celibacy gave me the time and space to reconnect.

Celibacy also taught me a lot about other people and my relationships with them. It taught me how to love people freely without expecting anything from them. I was able to enter into relationships without the awkwardness of trying to figure out what the other person was thinking about me. With dating and sex off the table I was simply able to get to know people, to invest in their lives, to come to the table freely and without striving.

I was able to be more generous with my time. I could show up for people at any hour of the day, do the late night airport run, stay up until three in the morning talking. I could field the middle of the night phone call.

I learned to not be anxious about being single. Even when I was the only single person in the room. Since I had chosen celibacy I could happily be the third or fifth wheel. It didn’t feel weird for me to go out to dinner or the movies with couples. I didn’t feel like something was missing from my life. I didn’t feel less than. I simply felt like me. My friends were simply my friends. I felt healthy and whole.

Some people didn’t understand my choice. They thought it was weird or I was doing it because I was afraid. They thought it was unnatural. They seemed to think that I was making the decision lightly or foolishly.

I always told people that I wasn’t closing myself off from a relationship forever. This wasn’t a vow that I had taken, nothing was required of me. But I didn’t like the person I became when I was desperate to be in a relationship. I didn’t like how online dating distracted me and took up my emotional bandwith. So I told people that I would consider dating again, but the person would have to pretty much fall into my lap. I wasn’t going to go looking. I said that, but honestly it was more for other people’s benefit than it was for my own. They needed to hear that I wasn’t closing myself off. And I wasn’t, but I didn’t think that anyone would come along. I was content. I was happy. I was settled.

Enter Actress. Stage Right.

A couple of years ago I started a theatre company called Uprising. We do plays that raise ethical questions and then partner with local organizations already working on those issues to channel the energy and empathy created by theatre into concrete change. It was the next step in my journey to figure out where to best use my gifts. I had always loved theatre and I was passionate about justice work. What would happen if we could combine the two? No one else was doing it and so we began.   For our very first show I needed a woman who could play an incredibly difficult part. It was one of the hardest roles in the show and I knew I needed someone great. A woman came in to audition and she was fantastic. I cast her in the part. We were playing boyfriend and girlfriend, but we were strangers to one another. Throughout the rehearsal period we became friends and got to know one another. I came to appreciate the instincts she brought to the production. She knew her stuff. We went out for dinner and drinks with the rest of the cast, shared laughs at rehearsal, and that was about it.

It wasn’t until very late in the process, almost opening, that I realized I had a bit of a crush on her. Now, this wasn’t the first time I had had a crush in my years of celibacy. I had had crushes before. And what I had learned is that if you don’t give the crush energy, it goes away. I figured there was no way that the crush was reciprocal, so all I had to do was get through the production and then we would go our separate ways and my crush would fade and all would be well. I also didn’t want to mess anything up with her because she is very talented and I hoped she would work with the theatre company again.

After the show opened we had several days off before the next weekend’s performances. It was the first time in ages that we had had time off. It felt weird. She invited me to come over to her place and watch a movie. I wondered if maybe this crush was reciprocal. And if so, what then?

At this point I still didn’t know if she knew that I was transgender. I hadn’t talked about it during the run of the show because it didn’t come up. But I also knew that if this crush was going somewhere she needed to know. We watched the movie and then talked. Sometime during the evening I blurted out, “you know I’m transgender right?” She nodded yes and I went on with my story. I breathed a sigh of relief that now it was out.   But I still didn’t know how she felt. And we still had another weekend of shows. On closing night I gave her a note that I hoped was vague enough to not freak her out but clear enough to show that a door was open for me to exploring where this could go.   We started hanging out. She asked if she could kiss me. We started seeing each other, though neither of us were quite ready to call it dating. But we liked being with one another. We were attracted to each other. We liked kissing each other.

And then suddenly I was back in the throes of evangelical angst around sex.   Where the hell did that come from?

I hadn’t been in the evangelical church for over 12 years at this point. I no longer believed that sex is only between a man and a woman in marriage. I no longer believed that pre-marital sex was wrong. But here I was feeling anxious about sex. When was too soon? Did we need to be officially in a relationship? Did we need to be able to call each other boyfriend and girlfriend? Should we say “I love you” first? How did I know what was right?

Then there were the other fears: What if she doesn’t like my body? What if she’s freaked out by the fact that I’m transgender? What if she doesn’t know to be freaked out, but then she’ll be freaked out when we’re undressing and then I’ll get super hurt and everything will suck?

And how much of anxiety over when to have sex was actually related to my anxiety that she would reject me?

Could this be any more complicated?

I kept thinking back to my marriage, to the situation that got me into my marriage. The fact that having this timeline in my head of how things were “supposed to be” made me rush things I wasn’t ready for. I didn’t want to make that mistake again. I also didn’t want to be casual or careless with sex.

Finally, though, I had someone to talk to. Brian and I were able to talk a lot about sex and what it means to be both of us. He was able to challenge some of the assumptions I was making and ask if there wasn’t really something else going on. I was able to finally sort through and figure out what mattered for me when it came to sex.   I was able to figure out my own sexual ethic.

Finally I was freed from everything being a zero sum game. I was freed from making decisions about my sexual life based on what other people thought I should do or told me I should do. I was able to extricate my sexuality from my evangelical moralistic upbringing. I was able to divorce myself from respectability politics that said I had to conform to certain standards in order to be an acceptable Christian. (Even though, often, even being an acceptable Christian isn’t enough when you’re queer).

Here’s what I’ve learned:

It’s totally possible to take sex seriously, to believe that sex matters and means something, while also not wrapping a million moral clauses around it.

It’s possible for different people to have different views about sex and have them both be respectful and healthy and good. I don’t do casual sex. It doesn’t work for me. Other people do, it works for them. Neither of these views negate the validity of the other view.

We have to free ourselves from one size fits all sexuality. What works for one person doesn’t work for someone else. What one person needs someone else doesn’t need.

What matters is health, consent, communication, and respect.   What matters is your intrinsic understanding of who you are and what you need.

How do we get there?

Unpacking years of harmful messages about sex and sexuality takes time. It doesn’t happen overnight. It doesn’t even happen after you’ve had a first amazing sexual experience with another person; guilt and shame can still rear their ugly heads and make you feel like you’ve done something wrong (even though you haven’t).

How do you create a sexual ethic if you’ve never been taught? If you’ve not been allowed to even entertain the thought that you were allowed?

Here’s some of what has helped me:

Get clear on what sex means to you. Not what you think it should mean, not what other people have told you it means, what does it actually mean to you?

Separate out other people’s voices from your voice. Which voices are the church? Which voices are your parents? Which ones are your friends? Which ones are media? Which ones are you? This can take quite a while, so be patient with yourself.

If the condemnation of the church or your parents were off the table, what would you do? What decisions would you make?

Are the decisions you are making to please anyone but you and your partner? Are you choosing celibacy because you feel like you have to? Because you feel like it’s what God or your church demands? Are you choosing to wait until marriage because otherwise you won’t get to be a part of your church community? Are you not having sex because you think it’s sinful? Really examine these beliefs. I firmly believe that you can choose to wait until marriage to have sex and have that be the right decision for you. I also believe you can choose celibacy out of healthy and well grounded reasons. But most of the people I see making these choices are making them because they feel like they have to. Maybe they sugarcoat it with conversations about how it works for them or they agree with their church teachings, but the reality is that choice is rooted in the belief that queer sex is inherently wrong and sinful. That belief is toxic and must be rooted out and tossed in the fire.

If you enter into (or withhold yourself from) a sexual relationship believing that queer sex (or any sex at all outside of marriage) is sinful and shameful this belief will mess you up. It will. It will impact your whole life negatively.

If you continue to struggle with guilt and shame around sex, I urge you to seek out a licensed therapist. By this I mean a therapist that actually has a degree and a license and isn’t just a “church counselor.” Also make sure that therapist is knowledgable about queer sexuality and identity. You do not need to be educating your therapist nor do you need to convince your therapist that queer sexuality is acceptable. If you really need to see a Christian therapist make sure they have an actual degree and license and are fully accepting of LGBTQ identity. If you seek out an unaffirming therapist they will damage you.

Finally, what do you want to do? For those of us raised in the evangelical church this seems like a scandalous question. We were taught that it doesn’t matter what we want, it matters what God wants! But really that’s just a shield. God gave us minds to think for ourselves. God gave us intuition and instincts. God gave us our bodies. God gave us free will and the ability to discern. The church is afraid that if we really listen to ourselves that we’ll tune in to the truth: our desires matter. Our instincts matter. We don’t need an outside authority telling us what is right for us; we have all that we need in our hearts and souls and minds.   So sit with your body. Sit with your heart. Ask yourself, “What do I want?” Your body will tell you. Your spirit will tell you. You just need to listen.

Sexuality doesn’t have to be complicated. It can be a source of joy, of pleasure, of connection, of fun. But we have to do the work to unpack those harmful messages we received. We have to do the work of communication and consent. We have to do the work of listening to ourselves and learning what we need.

I promise, it’s worth it.

#gay christian #celibacy #side b #LGBTQ #queer theology #Christianity #sexuality #sex education #sex ed #purity culture

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overfedvenison · 7 years

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I love your D&D adventures. They're the best.

I should go more in to detail with this one...

Saga of Minyu, Part 1

I was allowed to make a 3.5 class for a level 7 Pathfinder campaign, essentially the concept being a giant Tower of Druaga-type setting. Very gamey. I debated betweem Truenamer and Healer, ending up deciding on the latter and makng them a male raised as a girl due to his affinity for healing magic. The DM game me a free level because it's kind of a weak class, and said I qualified for the Healing Touch feat because I was a level 8 healer (Healing touch usually requires you heal 1000 HP)

Other than that he's a very shy, polite and demure healer named Minyu. I even gave him white robes with red trim, like a White Mage.

I started out at level 8 of the tower, a large city perpetually in evening or dusk, where everyone wore a bandana on their arm. (I joined mid-campaign.) Unknown to us, this town was beseiged by werewolves and the armbands marked the non-monsters. This was all part of a test relating to this granting access to the next level, but we didn't know what it was yet.

The party was pretty scattered at first. The first introduced to the group was a crude, womanizing pirate Gunslinger who would spend his rest time at the local brothel to 'heal' his wounds. He would hit on anything even vaguely feminine, including the death cleric.

The second was a cleric of a death god, a necromancer who would charge people exorbatant fees to heal them but also offer a free death. Under his skull masks and robes, he was sort of a tall dark and handsome bishounen. This group... Likes anime, evidently

And the last was some sort of attractive fae Ninja, who would run about partying and acting flirtatious. She doesn't play much in to this story, but was a fun character.

I came in when the Cleric was bringing an injured man to an alley to kill him. Seeing as how this cleric was dressed in a skull mask, black robes, and carrying a scythe, I naturally followed. Alas, the injured man was killed before I could help him. Along the way, the drunk pirate came to investigate as well and found us both in this alley. Seeing as the Pirate was still injured from the previous sessio , we sprang in to action. The cleric offered him a quick death, or to patch his wounds for a fee. He turned to me, in my white and red robes and blonde hair, and asked my offer. "I can cure you for free, if you need so," I said, and so I did.

This caused the womanizing pirate to take quite a liking to me, pulling me to a local bar. I got some strange looks from the barkeep, and explained that he was injured. Poor Minyu was very polite and demure and never explicitly told him to stop his advances even if he was super flustered and also male. Though I did tell him having sex was probably a bad idea.

Eventually, we met back up with the Death Cleric and his companion at the bar and we all decided (without much input from my wallflower Healer) to meet up the next morning to try and solve this floor's quest. The other female party members (And her hireling) also decided to rescue Minyu from this pirate to go on a girl's night out.

Day one: They suspect nothing, and I retired to my room.

During the night, I am awoken by screams. I look out my window to see a great wolf stalking outside, and people being ripped apart. Bound by my vows to supply aid, I rush away to see if I can help any injured. Unfortunately, I rolled a 2 on Stealth.

The werewolf king has spotted me, and starts rushing towards me. Knowing I have to run, I summon my Unicorn to help me. The rest of the party was like "What?"

We rush away from the werewolf leading it through town randomly (and distracting it from passerbys) as it gave chase. We were eventually rescued by a Judge, essentially an elite Tower guard, who ignited the beast... But not before it narrowly missed me and sliced off a lock of my hair. Thanking my unicorn, he returned to his realm and I dived into a nearby inn.

The next day, I arrived haggered in our meeting place (actually having a reason to, now.) I explained the situation, and the barkeep heard us and helped with some information. We learned our hidden task was to kill an elite werewolf, but also that the one that attacked us was no mere Elite but a sort of Werewolf King. We also learned we arrived at a bad time, as the full moon was that night and there was a Brood happening soon where the werewolves would be looking for a virgin sacrifice to make into a sort of Broodmother. What's more, the werewolves could track me with my hair lock...

While we discussed this, a man asked me to aid his injured ally. I did so eagerly, even despite the obvious danger. He led me to a warehouse with what was obviously the werewolf king we injured the previous night... Unsubtly wearing my lock in his hair, and still burned. I hesistated, obviously taken advantage of, but I had my oaths. This werewolf had come to capture me as a virgin sacrifice, and I knew that, but he was still injured... So I Cured him of disease, and restored 7 HP using Cure Minor Wounds. Unfortunately, I couldn't cure his lycanthropy yet.

My party had tailed me, and rescued me soon after from this stalker. Still, I had reinforced the werewolf king's interest in me. To him, I was a pure virgin girl, skilled in divine arts and not bound to a god, and would to him be an ideal queen and asset to the wolf pack. He also seemed to have a... Personal interest?

We had to fight through werewolves to escape. Unfortunately, though I kept the rest of the party healthy to the point of infuriating the DM, the pirate was blindsided by a werewolf leutenant and killed. Luckily, the Cleric was capable of reviving him. Worshipping a death god has advantages, I suppose.

That night, the werewolves attacked in a rage, and killed many people. They were hunting me, and the full moon would be the next night. My party discussed options... And primary amongst them was me losing my virginity.

To to reiterate: My character was caught in a situation where his enemies wanted a virgin sacrifice/offering to make their queen and breed a generation of werewolves under a divine matriarch, and the other side was a pirate and nymph who wanted to make this virgin have sex so this wouldn't happen (and also because he was a very cute girl the pirate wanted to bang.) All throughout, neither side had any idea that this virgin maiden was actually male, and Minyu wasn't really about to admit this and was very evasive.

After a fair amount of persuasion from Minyu, we ended up coming to a different solution: I would write a letter offering myself to be their queen in exchange for no one dying under the full moon. Then, if I was unable to convince him otherwise, we would ambush the werewolf king and kill him. This plan will aid us, and also keep the fact that I am male a secret... Of course, the party just thinks Minyu is just unwilling to lose her virginity like that, and is protecting me

This is roughly where we leave off for the future. The werewolves seem open to their end of the bargain.

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beyondforks · 6 years

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A Review & Excerpt of Good Time Cowboy by Maisey Yates

Good Time Cowboy (Gold Valley #3) by Maisey Yates

Genre: Adult Fiction (Contemporary Romance) Date Published: August 21, 2018 Publisher: HQN Books

In Gold Valley, Oregon, forbidden desire just might turn into the love of a lifetime…

When Lindy Parker lost her cheating husband, she gained a vineyard. She’ll do anything for Grassroots Winery, including teaming up with the hottest devil she knows, rancher Wyatt Dodge. Wyatt is her ex’s friend and has an ego as big as the bulls he rides. But in spite of that, disciplined Lindy has always wanted him…

Lightning struck Wyatt Dodge the first time he saw Lindy Parker. But there were two problems with that: she was married to his friend, and Wyatt doesn’t do strings. But now Lindy is free, and the two of them can finally explore the heat that’s burned between them for so long. But can Lindy make this good time cowboy decide on forever?

Good Time Cowboy is the third book in the Gold Valley series by Maisey Yates. Somehow I missed the release of the second book. Each book stands alone just fine, but I'll still have to go back and grab that one. This was Wyatt and Lindy's story. These two have been let down by important people in their lives, and it's impacted them greatly. Without giving too much away, neither one of them wants anything to do with love let alone a relationship that is any kind of serious. So, they start a fling of sorts. It's not that easy though. This story really pulls at the heartstrings. When it's not pulling, it's steaming up the pages. Lindy and Wyatt are electric, and that really comes through as you read. Their chemistry and the attraction is palpable. I was hooked on this book from the beginning and couldn't put it down.

Good Time Cowboy by Maisey Yates was kindly provided to me by InkSlinger PR for review. The opinions are my own.

She wasn’t sure what was worse: letting everyone know just what an idiot she was, or letting them continue to believe that she was a heartless gold digger. She had a feeling that public opinion on her was split down the middle. But Wyatt thought that Damien was an idiot. Which was perhaps why she felt even the tiniest bit charitable toward him. Was perhaps why she wasn’t so completely opposed to going on a trail ride with him today. She ruminated on that while she got dressed. She found a pair of nice jeans—much more casual than she would normally wear—and a dark-colored button-up top that wouldn’t show any dirt she might pick up during the ride. She pinned her blond hair back in a low bun and looked at her reflection critically. She was hardly recognizable as the person she used to be. The person she’d been before she had started dating Damien. She was sleeker now. Much more sophisticated. She used to be proud of that. The distance she had put between herself and what she’d been. Now, it felt a little bit like a poisoned chalice. After all, she was partly who she was because of Damien. And she… In the end, she despised what he stood for. What he could allow. What had been acceptable to him. He had asked her one time to forgive him. Had told her that she was making a big mistake throwing their marriage away over a physical relationship. He had said that sex didn’t matter. But sex had mattered when she’d been a twenty-year-old virgin, cautiously giving him her body. He had said that it meant the world then. And that even though he had been with a couple of other women they didn’t matter, not in light of what sex between them meant. Because he’d said that with her it had been love. It had been everything. After being married to the man for ten years she was supposed to believe that sex could also be nothing. As long as it was shared with someone else. Even though he had made vows to her. She had wanted to scream. She had wanted to cry. To let her inner trailer park out, throw something at him, call him a string of foul names. But she hadn’t been able to. She’d been frozen. Frozen inside the body, inside the image that they had created together. She hadn’t shed a single tear. Not then, not after. She had simply told him no. That there was nothing left for them. That there would be no future for the two of them. Not after a betrayal like that. He had gotten angry after that. He had blamed the dissolution of their marriage on her. And after that…he had told her there was no other chance to get back with him. That he was leaving her for the other woman. That he was in love with her, and it didn’t mean nothing. That she was the most important relationship in his life. Not Lindy.

Have you read the first book in this series?

Check out my reviews of other books by this author!

USA Today Bestselling author Maisey Yates lives in rural Oregon with her three children and her husband, whose chiseled jaw and arresting features continue to make her swoon. She feels the epic trek she takes several times a day from her office to her coffee maker is a true example of her pioneer spirit.

In 2009, at the age of twenty-three Maisey sold her first book. Since then it’s been a whirlwind of sexy alpha males and happily ever afters, and she wouldn’t have it any other way. Maisey divides her writing time between dark, passionate category romances set just about everywhere on earth and light sexy contemporary romances set practically in her back yard. She believes that she clearly has the best job in the world.

To learn more about Maisey Yates and her books, visit her website.You can also find her on Goodreads, Facebook, and Twitter.

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teamhook · 4 years

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A Chapter a Day... Savage Heart CS AU

Yes, a chapter a day.

This story will be finished by the end of the month. :)

Beta-ed by the wonderful @ilovemesomekillianjones

Cover by the amazing @xhookswenchx

|AO3| |FFN| previous chapter

|AO3| |FFN| current chapter

Chapter 6: Deception

Milah quickly reads the note and tells an anxious Smee she will go to Killian as soon as she can, but that she needs to be careful.

~~~Flashback - The Road So Far