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lopaak · 5 months

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In Stars and Time, Aion, Mirages and Thoughts

Launching a game you were awaiting for long is always weird to live ; you're in a special time frame, an Eon you're aware you'll only live once.

In the case of In Stars and Time, it's also partly because once your finish the game, once your fixation will be over, you know you'll look back a few days or weeks before and realize your life changed in such little time.

Eon, or Aion as I will be referring to, one of the three divinity of Time in ancient Greece, represents the Time of eras, cycles, where Past and Future cohabit like lines on a globe, both parallel and meeting at every pole.

While there is Kronos the linear, unstoppable Time, and Kairos the Time of the moment and opportunity you'll get once, Aion is a Time that takes from both of its siblings.

Aion only happens once, as a specific time frame, a frame constructed by the events within it. Yet it is also a Time you live through during which Kronos' linearity makes you suffer, inexorably, makes you love and appreciate things nearby, makes you fear the end.

Yet it is also a Time in which countless opportunities are presented to you, as Kairos' influence washes over every ounce of Time thrown by the Universe.

Another specificity of Aion is that it is the only of these 3 divinities that has an existence within space, not just Time. It was originally used for astronomical time, to measure the cycle of astronomical objects, of Stars.

So here I was, playing a game about loops, unavoidable cycles of repeating events, while myself being in an Aion, aware of the ephemeral aspect of my emotional playthrough.

So, what about In Stars and Time?

It was a great game, standing in that huge rift between imperfect game and perfect piece. So great actually that this small essay is, unlike my digression about Aion might suggest, about this game!

A professional reviewer making an article on the game might be more interesting and especially, better written than a silly 18yo tumblr user though. Read at your own risk. Spoilers ahead btw!

But, since I'm making this, let's start with the basics, I imagine? The art direction is really, really good. The design of the characters is both cute and distinctive, and the (mostly!) black & white aspect of the game fits the characters and the story really well! Some still art of the characters during the hangouts and at the end of the game brought tears to my 4am-completely-dry eyes.

As an rpg, ISAT does the job well for me. The traditional medieval rpg endgame place, the castle, in this game the 'House of Change', is where most of your gameplay will take place, in 3 different floors. Which starts in the beginning as a map to go up the floors to encounter the King later evolves into a labyrinthine experience as in act 3 and 4 you have to go back in rooms hinted at you by an NPC, by your helper-companion Loop, or by deduction, to get some items, go back to another floor, go to the spawn village, over and over again.

That is where my only negative criticism of the game stands ; Acts 3 and 4 felt sometimes too confusing, hard or complicated, finding the items to advance in the story almost felt more as a burden than a fun detective exploration game. The moments of fun in these were talking with your friends about the discoveries and then going back to the village to talk with Loop. And all that was inevitably done so by Siffrin dying or being frozen in time, which wasn't making all that job any more fun.

BUT! Because most criticisms need a 'BUT', that was also experiencing, what Siffrin, our main silly hat character, was living, and thousands of times less strongly. In this specific case, the slight frustration or annoyance i got by looping to certain floors to get books and all that fuss was completely justified, as the ending would make less sense without it, and Siffrin's development as a character would be pretty meaningless, because they would have went through way less.

Act 5, where Siffrin "slightly" loses it because of everything he went through in the previous acts, is only meaningful because while what we as players might have found annoying, he as a character suffered his heart and mind through it. Every time you decided to step on a banana peel to loop up in the House, Siffrin had to die and fake their feelings to their friends once more. Every time you found slightly annoying that you had to fight a specific enemy (Sadness) again, Siffrin was living it.

About fighting! I felt the battles as really fun, satisfying and never really getting boring? Some criticisms I've seen say that fighting Sadnesses is boring, either too easy or too hard, that it's not fun... But personally i really enjoyed it!

First because, the art of the Sadnesses is like. reallyanotherlevelofdope. I found each Sadness' design amazingly cool. Many of them have this silliness to them, whether in their pose or in their expression, yet they are all crying, and, as their name implies, anything they experience is nothing but sadness. At a point where sometimes, despite hurting them in the process, you almost feel like you're freeing them when defeating them.

And well, the moving patterned background art during the battle is super duper cool as well! As someone who loves patterns of any kind, i found all of them really cool looking. Each Sadness has a background different tied to them!

Secondly on why i liked the battles, this won't be a long point but : simply, the combat system is fun! The rock-paper-scissor aspect, the different Crafts, the jackpot mechanic, all that was pretty fun.

And thirdly, the MUSIC!!! The music playing during the battles is really good and makes them more fun. And that brings me to another point on why I love ISAT : the OST. Which is my next paragraph, how fortunate.

THE OST!!!! Composed by Studio Thumpy Puppy, the soundtrack of the game is stunning! stunningly good! The genre of music i listen to the most surely is videogame ost (I'm even listening to that rn), and the soundtracks of games is something I always pay great attention to and an aspect that really hammers the nail (or nails the hammer?) when it comes to me loving a game. Every track of this ost from the King theme down to the rock-paper-scissor tutorial kid tune is of genuine amazing quality. I can only recommend giving it a listen if you're not interested in the game, and supporting the composer on Bandcamp if you can! The ost is a great fit to the event currently happening in the game, and sometimes really feels as if you were in the place of Siffrin, reflecting their mental state. For example, during Act 5, when everything about the music takes a drastic change and becomes darker, fitting the game and Siffrin's current state.

Oh, did I mention Siffrin's feelings? Makes me realize I haven't talked much about our main character yet. Oh well! Here I go. And that is where I'm gonna spoil!!

Siffrin, the silly hat wizard (wizards are not real, urgh, i mean traveler) is who you play as in ISAT. Every moment you experience is from Siffrin's perspective. He's a traveler (uses he/they!) from another country, unknown even by him at the beginning of the game. Eventually as the game progresses, they realize the land they came from was a land north of the country in which ISAT takes place, Vauguard. That land disappeared years ago, and everyone sort of forgot about it. The characters know there was an island north of Vauguard, but forgot everything about it. Trying to read its language or saying its name out loud gives a headache, if you can even remember the name. A big chunk of the game is about remembrance, Siffrin wanting and trying to remember that name, as he himself forgot. Siffrin is a deeply introvert person, scared when people touch them yet touch starved, have a hard time talking about their feelings, and much more (I'll go into it more when I'll talk about the story and do the essay part of this post). Most aspects of their personality, the topics of depression and trauma he went/is going through, as well as him being asexual makes me relate a lot to him.

However Siffrin is far from being the only multilayered and complex character in ISAT.

AND!!!! Here is when I took a break from ISAT.

A few weeks ago, I started writing this essay and eventually took a break, heh. It gave me time to think more about this silly sad game :)

I wondered whether I should rewrite everything or continue where I left off, and if you're reading this, well it means I decided to continue!!! SO here I am, continuing this essay, however moving the direction a little. I'm easing back on the review aspect and going full-on essay. Let's gooo~ wowee

When there's a topic tough to talk about because of its complexity, I ask myself : why do I want to talk about it? It eases the process to reflect on why I'm doing what I'm doing. But for some topics there's another level of complexity, thanks to, oh well, the emotional attachment there is to it ; and one of these topics is ISAT.

In what lens should I analyze ISAT? Under what light? What zoom level on the microscope? What aperture size? What focus? And perhaps the most important question ; should I use anti flare and damaging equipment? Should my picture of In Stars and Time be burnt, as looking as Stars entails. I think I'm going to look straight into the Stars and let my pupils burn, let this text get consumed, because if this text were to exist in the grand scheme of ISAT, I imagine it would get consumed either way.

Let's think. I'm closing my eyes now. No spider on my neck, no croissant in sight. Thoughts merge with C418's beautiful composition on his album "Excursions".

On the horizon, a plethora of games, shows, movies or artists that will impact my life in more ways than I can imagine at this moment. On the ground, in the sand, In Stars and Time lies, an artifact in the photographic sense, and an Artifact in the sense that it will stay with me, like many did in the past, still impacting what I'm writing right now. I pick up the cartridge..or the..steam key(?), slowly blow off the sand and rise my hand to look at it under the scorching sun. It won't be an easy task. But it wasn't for the past Artifacts either.

So ; In Stars and Time is an incredibly hard object of analysis, both because of its nature and because of my attachment to it. That's for certain. Now, it's far from impossible and nothing's impossible anyways when you have all the time in the world. A lens that I feel necessary to use when analyzing In Stars and Time is the lens of the dispossession of one's identity. Siffrin is forcefully separated from what made them who they are now, forcefully separated from the impending victory and freedom.

Cultural dispossession is something that I can't say I relate myself but is something that had a definite impact on my family, something that I could witness in the eyes of a loved one back a few years ago, someone who was reminiscing their earlier memories as a way to survive in a brain getting used and fatigued. Memories that I could not all write down, as Time was getting close. One day, a bit over three years ago, these eyes closed and with that ended a flow of mental souvenirs.

ISAT made me think about that person a lot. It feels that throughout In Stars and Time, at least to me, grief was treated in a way that I've never seen before. Grief is everywhere, but subtly? It is just a car you see driving next to you during a trip on a long highway. You can't really read its license plate but, do you need to? Do you need to know where that car is from, in what country, what state was it bought? Do you need to know where it is going? No you don't. But sometimes you wish you could know. (Note ; writing this makes me think about this song)

I left all my luggage in the last station. I lost them. Moving on.

Grief is also present as a fear of something that might have already happened, in the character of Bonnie. They did not lose their sister but what if? What if it was too late? 'Siffrin, what if they could never go back because of you? Because of me?'

Siffrin witnessing Bonnie being murdered was one of the most terrifying experience while playing the game. I don't know if Sif can ever recover after that in the future, but my headcanon says so. Thinking about that event makes me ...sick.

Bonnie is, despite their age, one hell of a strong character, for many reasons. Because their final hit can be an absolute bop. Because they make super duper good snacks. Because they're here. They crawled to escape the curse, walked with no gear nor water for days before meeting the crew. All this time, they stayed strong. They kept advancing, in the hope of finding something, anything to help.

And they did. I can see them right now, in this desert, looking at this cartridge. The scorching sun is freezing cold, so I'll keep moving to heat myself at least a bit. I have to continue.

Difference is constructed.

Mirabelle is, in a lot of ways, the other main character. She created the party, she saves everyone's life, she beats the King. It's tough to be more 'main character' than this. At least it is by most fictional adventure standards. She's very unique anyways, but is it a weakness to be unique? Obviously not; except in the house of Change? Tough to say, but needless to say, she has a very dyptical (i made that word up, let's say, "dual") relationship with the House and with her fellow housemaidens. She loves being where she is, she loves her place in the House, she loves her beliefs. But she's scared whether she is the right person, because the reality is that she wasn't "chosen" by the Change God, because there are expectations she cannot (or is repulsed to) fulfill due to being on the aroace spectrum.

That is also something I related a lot with! And the message about religion and more specifically belief is really healthy. To believe is not necessarily to make compromises, it is also to believe in yourself, as apart of whichever deity, able to change, able to be who you are.

I think her fears are very relatable, to many people. To an inattentive eye, it could make her a pretty consensual character when it comes to her personality. A character that everyone can like, she's the nice one, all that. But that'd be falling for the trap she's in herself.

Mirabelle is way more complex than what she may look like, a sweet housemaiden who is nice and caring, here for others, who fits her name really well (to be fair, Mirabelle does suit her alot, but not just bc of the sweetness and all that). She has a strength other characters don't necessarily have ; a strength that is in-game represented by her shield ability and the fact that she deals the final blow to the King. But it's a strength that deeply, is tough to explain and that other people will likely do better than me. A strength tied to her belief in Change, tied to her care towards the people of Vauguard, but also tied to her believing in herself. She seem unsure of herself and, arguably she is in many situations, but when the moment is important she knows what to do and she's sure of that.

In the end of the day ; Mirabelle is aware that she doubts her strength, and knows that she can fight those doubts.

And, as I see in the distance a faraway light illuminating the sky, making day look like night, I understand that a shield, far, far away, is resonating for countries around. In another land that is mere mirages for me, they're celebrating.

I don't want this essay to look review-y too much so I won't go around analyzing Isabeau and Odile like I did previously with the others ; plus, patterns get quickly boring. Nah.

There is a ton to say about Isabeau and Odile though. However I've been thinking about how to express my feelings and essaying on them, and I can't find the words. Which granted I'm no journalist, no professional reviewer, but I feel like any inability to write about the things I love is a form of weakness for me. Just for me though, if, that makes sense, oh, well, okay,. If people read this and are interested in my thoughts about them, I'll definitely try my best to go in depth in another essay, specifically about the whole roaster ; Bonnie, Isabeau, Mirabelle, Odile and Sif! (and another one!) They're in alphabetical order! (not the essay).

I will try for now tho, to at least express a bit my feelings on them two. Isabeau is a beautifully written character. I really see his personality as a glimmer in the party. He's brave and strong, but so romantic and kind-hearted. Like Mirabelle, he may seem like a pretty consensual character that is a bit stereotypical ; the buff guy with a heart of moss. But! Like her, he is much much more complex than what meets the eye of someone casually glancing at a ISAT 100% No Commentary video by "theFullGameplayGuy" or some other name (made them up). (No hate towards these channels. They're lifesavers sometimes. Thanks thefullgameplayguy or any no commentary gameplay channel.)

Got distracted but, like the script of a film being created on set, I decided to not delete my distractions. Makes the essay more me!

Odile. Odile is a character that I found so very intriguing since I played ISAT's "prototype", Start again: A prologue. She talks less compared to the others, she's much older, mysteriously scientific and scientifically mysterious. She's lesbi- oh sorry that's a headcanon. . . Um, so, she's very intriguing, especially until her hangout event where you learn much more about her, her past, her life, what brought her here. She has a personality that is quite hard to get at first, but a really cool and sweet one. When I played the game and had to choose the wish in the first minutes, I actually chose the one with Odile! And the reason is exactly this intriguing personality, her mysterious veil of Craft and Science, and my interest for Ka Bue (the country she came from).

All these characters will stuck with me for a long, long time. While playing, I saw myself in each of them at least a bit. Few games made me feel represented with an array of different characters, all shaped in the small world they're coded in, yet near infinitely complex.

Now I know what you may be thinking. I'm not forgetting Loop!!! I actually thought a lot whether I should include them here and decided that I will include them in that other essay I'll make if it interests people, because they are a WHOLE other level of layers and as much as I love writing this, it's a very big piece I can't really tackle in the middle of an overall essay about the game.

In Stars and Time is one of these games. One of these art pieces that will have a lasting on my life. In the continuity of games such as Undertale/Deltarune, fnaf (yeaa it's a franchise), The Stanley Parable, Stardew Valley, Bad End Theater, Life is Strange, If Found, or more recently q.u.q and Stories Untold, and much much more ; this game will change my perception and apprehension of things, and will continue to influence me over the time, over all my future creative projects. (id recommend to check all the games i mentioned that you haven't heard of!!) It will follow me, for the better, in my creative process. So thank you Armor Game Studio, thank you Studio Thumpy Puppy, and thank you the creator, Insertdisc5!

So ; as I'm nearing the end of this, I wonder what it is. I called it an essay for a lack of better words, but I honestly don't know if I'm qualified to write something and call it an essay. And it's definitely not a review either. But it started as one, a bit! Though i don't want to make a review. So I don't really know! But oh well.

Also, remember the three Time in ancient Greece? I think a lot about its ties to the game, but again, that would be too long and especially, too hard for me to explain with words..?. Everything interconnects, everything meets everywhere, everything, on all ends and all thoughts. And ISAT is now part of a cobweb bigger than worlds, words and concepts. I might, tho, try to write about it, one day.

Call me lazy for not expanding on some topics but it's tough to produce allthat for my tiny brain!! I really want to go further but you know. Eh

As for me, I continue walking in the sand. In the erased steps of someone of more importance, I go forward toward the unknown with a new piece in the forever expanding puzzle of a life ; a piece called In Stars and Time.

#in stars and time #ISAT #essay?#thoughts about a game i really like :)#it's probably not really good but it's my first time

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oediex · 1 year

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I started watching the Dragon Age: Origins with a Therapist playthrough, by Dr. Mick, who the article on PC Gamer was about. So far, I've only seen the first 25 minutes with character creation, but there's already very interesting stuff!

Here's what he has to say on character creation in RPG video games:

"When people create video game characters in RPGs using customisation, oftentimes they will use two factors in how they create their characters, particularly if they want it to have some sort of similarity to themselves. One is called wishful identification; the other is called similarity identification. These are traits that people will put into their character creation. So I am going to create a city elf and I am going to talk through aspects of wishful and similarity identification as I make my elf. Because we can learn a lot about people through the characters they create."

"The first thing I’m going to start with here is gender. For me, being male is a very important part of my identity. So, I have a hard time connecting with characters in video games when I play as them when they are female. Not that I can’t. It’s just different for me, because of how important being male is in my identity, so I almost always make male characters. So making my elf male is important. One thing that I like about elves too is that they’re usually tall and slender like me. So there’s a little bit of that. I used to make dwarves and, like, really strong, bulky humans because there is a little bit more wishful identification in there. But I’ve skewed more toward similarity identification in the characters I create as I’ve gotten older."

"So, there’s not really a lot to be said about when people go for more similarity vs. wishful identification. Usually what it means, like, it kind of depends on how you play a characters as well. One of the things that’s really interesting is if you look at patterns. So if a person makes a character with a lot of similarity identification and then makes consistently certain types of decisions in video games and then they change their appearance maybe to wishful identification and they play them differently, that can sometimes say a little bit about what they wish their behaviors were more like. It really depends. So, there’s also, like, kind of ways to explore different parts of identity. Like, for example, if a person is experience gender dysphoria, for example, you might play around with what your character looks like and how they interact within the world and maybe you find something that is a bit more, like, in line with what you see yourself as. So, a lot of times, like, we’ll try to combine the two. So sometimes, like, I might give myself a little bit stronger jawline than what I have in real life or something like that. But I feel most immersed and connected to my character when it looks somewhat similar to me. Or I will kind of go fully off the deep end and just try to make something that is just fully wishful. I’m not a big blend guy. I usually go either similarity or wishful."

"There is no right or wrong way to create characters by the way. But it is fun to, like, kind of immerse yourself in it. Like, I’m a big believer that if a game has a character creator, then you should totally consider using it."

"Sometimes people just like to make cool characters. It’s when people are really thoughtful about making it a reflection of them in some way, when we start to have more interesting conversations. When people just make crazy, wild characters, sometimes it’s just for fun. You don’t have to look too far into it."

He talked through making his character, but that wasn't very interesting, just "oh i'll give him brown hair because i have brown hair; my eyes are blueish-grey" etc. So he was clearly using similarity identification.

He's written an academic paper called "Videogame use as a tool for assessing and intervening with identify formation and social development", where he talks about similarity identification vs wishful identification which I've found here. Haven't read it yet, though.

#gaming #dragon age #dragon age origins #dao #video games #character creation #therapy #identity #academia

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noperopesaredope · 2 years

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Tall Girl’s Premise Wasn’t Terrible, It’s Execution Was

(Posted this comment on a YouTube review of the movie, thought it would make an okay post, and decide to just post it on here, but with even more stuff)

Warning: Long post about how I think they should have written the Netflix Original Movie Tall Girl

Surprisingly, despite the fact that I hate this movie a ridiculous amount, its premise of a character feeling isolated and uncomfortable around other people because they're really tall actually helped me create a character that I'm really proud of. Then again, there's some other layers on top of that which add to it, but the whole being tall thing is a part of what makes then feel so alone.

Part of the idea was based on a guy in my high school who was REALLY tall (like, 6'8" probably), and even though a lot of people liked him (I mainly remember him being a basketball player), you could sometimes feel the awkwardness of being extremely tall in a sea of......not tall people. People immediately notice you, and some people have a tendency to stare (I'll be honest and say that I was, regretably, one of those people). A lot of people move out of the way too. Some people might even be secretly intimidated.

When you're really, really tall, and quite a bit taller than some of the other tall people in your school, your height tends to be the first thing people notice about you. I don't think many people would mess with someone that much taller than them, as said tall people are probably good at kicking things, but it would be interesting to see a character who comes across as unintentionally intimidating to people because they are. Just. That. Tall.

For my character, he is a 6'7" Black 16-year-old, and it is...interesting. He has a lot of insecurities in general, but one of the more subtle ones is his height. The comments thing can work, but it mainly works if it is unintentional. Every time he meets someone new, they first thing they say to him is almost always going to be something along the lines of "wow, you are really tall." And then they often start to act all uncomfortable and intimidated after a short bit, which in turn makes him feel self conscious, and it becomes a whole thing. He also kinda hates sports, but people are always asking him if he's a basketball player, and every single time, he has to say no, and then quite a few people have dragged the conversation on forever, asking him why he doesn't play basketball, will he ever play basketball, etc, etc.

AND THEN THERE'S TOXIC MASCULINITY! He, of course, is not the one with the toxic masculinity, but other guys around him feel intimidated by the fact that he is, in fact, very very tall. So they're kinda cold towards him, and he feels a bit lonely.

(Here’s the part where I actual talk about how they could have written about a tall girl)

Now, I just did a whole dump on a male character and his struggles. What about a tall girl (like, really tall)? Well, you could still have some material for this concept.

First off, again, being that kid who towers over literally everyone can be a bit uncomfortable, especially when you don’t fit all the conventional beauty standards. Like, some girls who are quite tall are considered attractive for it, but some girls who are very, very tall (like, at least 6′6″) can be slightly looked down upon (pardon the pun) because they don’t fit certain other beauty standards.

And you can still keep the other things like: being considered intimidating, being stared at, having people consistently comment on your height to a point that you get self conscious, having your value determined by whether or not you play sports and feeling like you’re disappointing people when you don’t, etc. etc.

You can even still keep the toxic masculinity and dating aspect to it. Some guys get insecure over someone else being taller than them, and a particularly toxic guy might feel like his masculinity is being threatened by a tall girl, so they avoid dating her. You can also explore other things with gender norms and stuff like that because that is a part of the struggle.

I actually think it’d be cool to focus on the idea of having social anxiety in a world where you are very noticeable and can’t really hide. Then every perceived “flaw” feels bigger than it actually is, and it feels like everyone is judging you for said flaws. Maybe our tall protagonist (I’ll just say Jodi for now) feels insecure about many things, but her height makes her feel even worse, like everyone is watching her. Sometimes, everyone is watching her, and she’s often in a state of discomfort. The story would explore all her other struggles and insecurities, with a focus on the idea of being Noticable.

It would be fun to see Jodi just be a very shy, polite girl who is trying👏 her👏 best👏 and is kinda a cinnamon roll. Maybe she’s into drawing and/or poetry but hates sports. Maybe she just likes listening to her friends ramble about their day and lives and interests as she sketches. Maybe she writes poems about how she feels and what she sees around her.

Maybe Dunkleman isn’t a creep in this version and just a supportive friend who has a cute crush on her and is trying to help her out. Maybe he finds one of her poems and gains an understanding of her. Maybe they actually have chemistry. Maybe Jodi and Stig realize they don’t really have much chemistry and decide to just be friends. Maybe Jodi’s best friend (whose name I can’t remember) gets with Stig like in the sequel because they actually end up having chemistry. Maybe there won’t be a bully and the real bully was society all along. Maybe this would just be a wholesome story about fluffy teen romance, social anxiety, and self love.

Maybe it would be animated. Maybe there would be scenes where Jodi’s size would be extremely exaggerated when we see her POV and her height is constantly changing. Maybe outside her single POV or when she’s feeling comfortable, we see her actual height in comparison to other characters, highlighting that her height is more of a personal insecurity.

Maybe this would be a good movie.

Maybe I should write this story.

#tall girl #netflix #netflix tall girl #bad movies #movie rewrite #rewrite #okay not an actual rewrite #but a concept for an alternate interpritation of the premise #teen movies #chick flick #teen romcom #netflix movie #story concept #story idea #movie idea #plot idea

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flickeringart · 3 years

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Satanism - a way to embrace Pluto?

My mind has been occupied with Pluto lately, the planet, god and symbol of “the hidden things”, the occult, the underworld, darkness, fate, rage, destruction, transformation, abduction, man’s primitive nature, life and death, power and powerlessness, fear, violation and fertility. There’s so much nuance to all planetary (archetypal) principles and there’s always more to explore. Pluto especially is a mysterious and threatening figure (force) in our lives and in the world at large. I have talked about it in previous posts, here / here and here… I’ve also explored the 8th house, which is the astrological house of Scorpio and Pluto here and here.

Many people understandably avoid anything that has to do with the darker elements of life and human nature until they are forced to deal with them. This is possibly why Pluto has been associated with violence because we are typically dragged into the depths; we don’t go there willingly. Some people, however, have lives that are marked by Pluto to such a degree that they can’t pretend that he doesn’t exist. By deciding to consciously accept him and embrace his influence it is possible to live a richer life. After all, Pluto is not only a god of destruction; he is also a god of riches. It seems to me, that the worship of Satan (as practiced by members of the Church of Satan) is very much in line with Pluto’s gifts and his riches. It’s an attempt to embrace the carnal nature. However, this Plutonian carnality is not as basic as it seems. It has its own intelligence, its own spirituality and its own laws. It seems to me that Pluto has to do with survival – psychological, emotional, spiritual and physical. He stands for survival and life at all levels of the being. As stated on the official website, “To us, Satan is the symbol that best suits the nature of we who are carnal by birth—people who feel no battles raging between our thoughts and feelings, we who do not embrace the concept of a soul imprisoned in a body. He represents pride, liberty, and individualism—qualities often defined as Evil by those who worship external deities, who feel there is a war between their minds and emotions.”

I think, that this philosophy attempts to treasure the whole (hu)man, to recognize his divinity even in his subjective thoughts and feelings. It’s an attempt to honor the darker aspects of human nature – anger, rage, and instinctual responses. It’s essentially to honor the earth, the dark void, and the merciless existence. Putting faith in external deities is robbing the individual of his divinity; it’s separating him from life. Christianity has, at least in part, made people think of Evil as an autonomous force (an external deity), corrupting good souls and creating fear and panic. By avoiding seeing reality as a whole, Christianity perpetuates fear instead of confronting it. As I understand it, Satanists don’t invest belief in any gods (symbolic of human drives and instincts) because they see that these mind-made constructs are part of their own psyche. Satanists place themselves at the center of their own subjective universe without seeking to befriend or worship mythical entities that are separate from them.

It seems to me though, from studying astrology, that there’s no way to escape deity. In the effort to not have any god, to place the self at the center, as is characteristic of the Church of Satan, one is in fact aligning or siding with an archetype. It’s impossible not to. I think this is made quite obvious when using astrology and analyzing natal charts. The archetypal energies are expressing themselves through and as the individuals.

In fact, let’s take a look at the chart of the founder of the Church of Satan, Anton Szandor LaVey. I would expect him to have a strong Pluto because of the emphasis on embracing the carnal side and the spiritual dimension of it. There’s also a big emphasis on being whole (a solar principle) through recognizing the totality of life, facing the strength and power within oneself and using the necessary tools to improve one’s own life. This would include consciously using symbols and images (like the image of Satan) in order to get the desired effect. If symbols are given autonomous power it’s a problem only if it puts the individual in a disempowered position. Personal integrity and liberty is also of utmost importance, which sounds rather Aquarian to me. Let’s have a look.

The chart of Anton Szandor LaVey, as found on astrotheme.com.

The Sun is in Aries, which is not surprising considering his strong faith in individuality, his initiative to start a “new religion”, to provide a contrasting influence, to place himself at the “center”, to go by no other rules than his own, to welcome opposition, the desire to be his own master and a leader of his own life. Aries as a sign is strongly linked to the warrior archetype, of fighting for what one believes in without compromise, to claim authority in spirit, to conquer, to place subjectivity over objectivity (because there’s no real difference from the perspective of Aries). Selfishness is the basis for existence; it is through honoring the self that one can honor other people’s independence. Mars, which is the planetary ruler of Aries, is concerned with personal strength and potency (note; Mars is sometimes referred to as the lower octave of Pluto). It seems like LaVey lived on his own terms, relying on his own natural instincts and gifts to get by in life. This is all very typical of Aries people, to live of off a self-generated optimism and conviction of one’s own ability. “The rules don’t apply to me” is the overall sentiment – the rules originated somewhere and that which originates from my own self is no less valuable or divine, even if it’s raw, ugly or imperfect it is still of “The Self”, the force that animates existence.

To no surprise, Pluto makes a square aspect to his Sun. He would’ve lived with the threat of his own destructive rage, his own inner violence and uncompromising desire. To him, it was probably difficult to consciously accept this side (the square aspect always represents a conflict) but he certainly tried to acknowledge his “darkness” through founding the Church of Satan. A person with a trine aspect between Sun-Pluto would not have been as motivated or pressed to bridge the gap between the self and the primitive and taboo because there wouldn’t have been anything to bridge. The square relationships between two planets usually motivate the individual to try to solve dilemma of conflicting principles within the psyche through external work. Squares usually force work in a very concrete fashion. When a person is serious about something, and is trying to make something happen it’s usually indicative of a square aspect within the personal chart. For example, I have a Neptune square Mercury aspect. I try to read and write and educate myself to some kind of higher state, some transcendent and elevated experience because the connection is not smooth between these planets. I try to articulate things properly in order to bridge the gap between personal mind and the nuance of collective feeling. I try to reflect the essence or feeling tone of energies through my writing.

The interesting thing about LaVey is that he truly took on the appearance of a devil – he was probably aware of the power of looks, the impact that certain clothing or symbols have. He was undoubtedly theatrical. Pluto in the 5th house might have something to do with this, as it’s the house of individual expression. The 5th house is all about personal creation; it’s the realm of children and play. In a sense, he was no different from a child dressing up in costumes and playing “the dark one”, which is probably why people mocked him for it. Even when Pluto is in the 5th house it is never light-hearted, he is all in, ruthlessly determined. Pluto placed in this house takes play seriously. He takes personal expression seriously. His creations are his and he should be at the center of them. The individual should be credited for his abilities, not the other way around, just as the individual shouldn’t be appreciated because his gifts are “of the gods”. They belong as much to the individual as it does to the deities. This is certainly the spirit of Pluto. He answers to no other god than himself and he sees life as it is, in its most vile forms, without flinching. Life is in all expressions, in the primitive as well as in the sophisticated. This is, in many ways, a deeply honest way to live. Another thing that catches my attention is the bi-quintiles Pluto makes to the MC (public image) and the AC (personal image/persona). The bi-quintile aspect is generally considered to say something about a certain talent or style, a mercurial quality or skill. He truly has the style of Pluto, both in his countenance and in his societal achievements. He looks dark and mysterious, preoccupied with the occult side of life. Perhaps he even had a certain talent for “magic”, at least he claimed to.

Satanists believe in indulgence (which doesn’t imply compulsion) over abstinence, primarily because there’s no belief in heaven or an after life. The individual is placed at the center of his own universe as his own master – through and through. Although many people would agree that self-mastery is a good thing, many also tend promote, in the same vein, that “people make mistakes” and that they “should be forgiven”. As I understand it, Satanism as a philosophy would state that mistakes are only mistakes if the self-mastered individual firmly believes it to be so in complete honesty and integrity. Self-deceit is considered to be a sin, unless of course it’s done intentionally - it would then not be a sin. Going along with roles that other people have cast one in is self-deceit – that is, for example, shouldering the role as a “sinner” because other people have imposed that label or role onto you is not indicative of self-respect, it’s a betrayal of your own reality. Notably, LaVey has an Aquarius Ascendant, Lilith in Aquarius in the 1st house and Uranus widely conjunct his Sun (both in the independent sign of Aries). He is definitely not a person to follow the herd – in fact “Herd Conformity” is one of the Cardinal Sins in Satanism. He leads life through the principle of being his own godhead, his own intellectual genius, and his own unique and separate individual, detached from the norms and conventions enough to go against them if he pleases. Aquarius is a sign that considers the map of life in an intellectual sense. This sign is also the sign of the progressive individual, someone who wants to make a difference on a larger scale. He certainly did, through constructing a thought-system that could benefit people. It’s no wonder that the first of the Nine Cardinal Sins (as found on the official website) is Stupidity. Of course it would be to an Aquarius Rising! “Think for yourself; don’t go along with everything you’re told” is the plea.

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everythingsinred · 3 years

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Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Natsume (pt. 2)

And we're back with more exciting and mean Natsume! Here we will further explore Natsume's life and how absolutely dark his existence is, as well as some very important aspects of his personality that will be useful to us when NatsuMikan starts picking up speed.

Again, I am warning people that this whole essay in general talks heavily about topics like bullying, child abuse, suicidal ideation, and depression, so if those are triggering topics, it might be better for you to not read.

Previously, we were introduced to Natsume and he has sent Mikan on a dangerous quest to the Northern Woods. During that trip, she and her friends have captured his one and only best friend, Ruka, which will not bode well.

Chapter Five

Chapter Five is instrumental for completing Natsume’s introduction, long as it’s been. Natsume is a mysterious character, and he will continue to be evasive and strange for many chapters to come, but by the end of this chapter, we will understand some basic foundation for his character.

The chapter starts with Ruka’s point of view, recalling a moment when he saw Natsume cry, presumably after a mission. Ruka wonders why it’s only Natsume that has to go through “this”, and Natsume tells him that he can take it--for now. He says he wants to grow up and be an adult, to be big and strong enough to properly escape this hell. This is a consistent wish of Natsume’s, and in many ways his only wish: to grow up already.

Higuchi really out here trying to convince us this was supposed to be a cheerful story.

Natsume had to be an adult, had to make the selfless and responsible choices for the sake of his family and for Ruka, had to abandon play and smiles and laughter for a life of secret missions and frequent hospital trips. He’s dying and he wants to be an adult already because he’s certain he’ll never be able to grow up. He wants his body to match the level of responsibility he’s had to take on, but he can’t force the outside to match the inside, especially when he’ll probably be dead long before it happens anyway. This wish evolves and changes when he falls for Mikan, but it doesn’t go away.

He associates adulthood with control, because his life at the academy has been observing the adults control and use him. He wants control for once, to be able to make a choice and even just say no.

Ruka notes that Natsume hasn’t cried at all since that night, and that he now keeps all his sorrow locked away. This kid needs therapy, immediately. This is another reason that Ruka is so precious to Natsume. Ruka is compassionate and kind, so concerned about his friend that he would also shut away his own heart so that he can’t be happy for as long as Natsume is in agony.

Natsume has a scene of his own, where he snaps at Permy for saying that Mikan is full of crap and lying about being an alice. He points out that the academy is not an easy place to lie your way into, and Permy immediately backtracks and lies that she’s agreed with him this whole time. Like I’d said earlier about the loneliness involved in being surrounded by fans who don’t really know or understand you, having people all around you bend over backwards for your approval makes it clear that they really have no interest in what you’re saying, just that you’re the one saying it.

In the anime essay, I’d pointed out that because of their admiration for him, it would elude people that Natsume is in fact lonely. He speaks out against things and people rush to agree, not really considering why he might say that. This is a similar moment, though he doesn’t seem too bothered by Permy’s behavior. It’s still concerning, but it’s interesting to compare this “yes, man” attitude to Ruka’s.

There is obviously a difference between someone agreeing with every word of your mouth no matter how much it changes and contradicts, bending over backwards for your approval, and someone wanting to match you out of compassion, but Ruka’s line of thinking does still have some major flaws.

Ruka is a child, just like the rest of them, so even though this behavior is motivated by love and compassion, it’s still immature and raises some questions.

“If you won’t smile, I won’t smile either,” is a sweet line, but now Natsume is aware that Ruka’s misery is his fault. If he wasn’t so sad, Ruka could be happy. This doesn’t make Natsume happy; it just makes them both sad, and that doesn’t solve any problems. Naturally, Natsume would never say that, and Ruka would claim he’s unbothered and--just like Natsume--that he doesn’t care about hanging out with the others, but they’re both miserable now, and I think this is part of the reason why there’s a gap between them at the start of the manga, and why they’re a bit distant, despite being best friends.

They’re each other’s most important person, but they don’t really communicate that well, and Ruka constantly feels like a burden.

Natsume needs something that Ruka can’t give him, and that something is what he’ll eventually get from Mikan.

That being said, at the moment, Natsume is getting nothing but irritation from Mikan. When he finds out Mikan and her gang kidnapped Ruka, that irritation turns into rage and we see a final fundamental building block for Natsume’s character: his berserk button.

Natsume doesn’t care about the reasoning or justification for the kidnapping. He doesn’t care about explanations or common sense.

His rage only increases when he discovers Ruka was tied up and even beaten (he is told this by a classmate, when Ruka is actually unharmed). The other kids in Class B--his admirers--are terrified to see how scary Natsume is when he’s furious.

Natsume's biggest weakness is Ruka so Mikan is kinda fucked.

He doesn’t care about the game anymore. He only cares about Ruka.

So he goes to the Northern Woods, where nobody is expecting him. He tells Mikan to leave the school, which… she cannot do, obviously. He is overtaken by rage and he ceases to be reasonable.

He uses his alice on everyone but Ruka, and is about to use it on Mikan, but her alice nullifies it. Then Narumi kisses him, prompting him to pass out.

Here, we are introduced to a consistent character trait of Natsume’s, one that may contradict all that talk about forced maturity and selflessness. In fact, Natsume’s habit to go absolutely postal on anyone who threatens a loved one is a contradictory one. Going into a rage requires the sacrifice of common sense and reason for the sake of complete emotional detonation, and as a result he fails to understand that his actions could inadvertently hurt his loved ones or innocent bystanders. No reassuring words are enough to calm him down, and sure enough Natsume will destroy something.

It’s important that we see this trait now, as part of Natsume’s informal introduction, as we will see plenty more instances of it later on. In a way, going berserk for someone can even be a love language of his, where if a person being threatened is enough to set him off, he probably cares about them.

And just as interesting as seeing what he does in these situations is posing the why! Why is it that Natsume goes ballistic in these situations, when it requires the loss of the one thing he wishes he had more of, control? My guess is that Natsume has had a rough childhood and much of that time was spent running away from a dangerous entity. Staying cool and calculated under some conditions would have its benefits, but so would the quick-action and confidence that Natsume would gain by going berserk. When you have to protect someone, and Natsume has been in that situation many times, then it’s sometimes even beneficial to be able to lose yourself for a moment or two. But perhaps it’s not that either. Natsume is, despite all his airs of coldness and mystery, actually a very emotional person, and in that way he is easy to understand. Even if this isn’t a habit he developed by watching his loved ones ripped away from him through either extortion, manipulation, or just plain murder, it’s still something he might be predisposed to: attacking with everything he has despite not having a clear plan or even any real thought.

Chapter Six

We pick up where we left off and Natsume wakes up grumpy after everyone seeing him under the effects of Narumi’s pheromone alice. He causes more destruction, still in somewhat of a rage, and even causes Narumi a head wound though his teacher seems unbothered by this (or maybe even used to it, who can say).

The next thing that happens is that an alarm rings, signaling that Natsume is due for severe punishment, and, as Naru points out, not something he can help with this time. Narumi warns him to get a move on before a mystery enemy (Persona) arrives, and that is enough to scare Natsume into getting out of there. But not before he issues a word of warning of his own to Mikan, that she will regret coming to Alice Academy of her own free will.

Isn't it interesting how her optimism, something he hated so much about her from the start, ends up being something he loves about her?

I have very many thoughts about this warning. It might even seem like a threat, as if Natsume will go out of his way to make sure she regrets her decision, but he does no such thing. He is convinced that Mikan doesn’t need help reaching that conclusion--she will realize it on her own because the school is simply that terrible.

It makes a little bit of sense to view Natsume’s hatred of Mikan this way: Mikan skipped right into his own personal hell with a smile on her face and a bubbly attitude. Meanwhile, he fought and kicked and screamed right until the very end when he was forced into attending the academy. And Mikan is not some normal girl who might be able to live a quiet and pleasant life in the academy. She’s already been marked, what with all the games about her enrollment, and that might anger Natsume even more: she’s really naive enough to walk into a place that’s not just hell to him, but inevitably to her too. Because of this, Natsume hates her and is predisposed to hate her more the more cheerful and optimistic she is.

And, unlike in the anime, this hatred takes much longer to go away.

Anyway, we see Natsume again later in class, when he shows up late after having just been terribly abused as punishment for his actions in the Northern Woods.

In the anime, Natsume catches Mikan insulting him while wearing the punishment mask, and although he’s covered in scratches and the kids are whispering about his bad mood, there’s not much else to it. He doesn’t seem any more unpleasant than he’s been this whole time.

There's nothing funny about this but I will put here as a warning that anybody who jokes that kids should be hit will be hit by me!

In the manga, Natsume is so weak that he can hardly stand. It’s not just scratches, but blood and gashes on his wrists and legs. The mask is not only used to mark him, it’s also used to punish, by physically abusing him when Persona has better things to do.

He makes his way to his seat, but Narumi is on the way, just enough to make a quippy comment.

(I wonder sometimes about Narumi establishing himself as untrustworthy to the children, particularly Natsume, and how exactly that’s supposed to be a help to the student body at large. I mean there’s the possibility that Mikan is special, and her being Yuka’s daughter helped Narumi remember what he became a teacher for. In that case, it might make sense that Narumi, being so jaded and bitter, might be content acting as a villain to the abused children of the academy, and especially to Natsume, but I can’t help but feel that’s not the case. I don’t want to think that Narumi was willingly complicit and even amused by Natsume’s abuse. It’s difficult to tell for sure, though, because Narumi is way more mysterious than Natsume tries to be.)

Sumire tries to kiss up, whining to Natsume about how everyone is suddenly acting so nice to the new girl, until Natsume forcefully kicks her desk to shut her up. He only holds back with Ruka, who he would never lash out at.

Narumi then announces that Mikan shall have a partner, and that her partner will be Natsume. It’s funny because although Hotaru made it clear she didn’t want the job, Iinchou was willing to volunteer, but Narumi ignores that because he always wanted Natsume to be her partner. At this news, everyone is shocked, wondering if Mikan is supposed to be special, seeing as she’s paired up with Natsume of all people.

Narumi smiles to himself despite the chaos and then lets himself leave the classroom, saying, “let’s see what happens.”

Why does he partner them up?

Mikan thinks Narumi is crazy for this, and from an outside perspective it certainly might seem that way.

Natsume’s theory, as becomes clear later during the exams, is that this was organized by the ESP and Persona, perhaps as a punishment, but definitely with ulterior motives. He is closer to nailing it, but a little off. There is no way in hell the ESP would want to partner the child of rabble-rousers with the school’s pet child soldier. That’s a recipe for disaster. Knowing that the ESP was excited to welcome Mikan because of her alice, and that her presence at the school might encourage Yuka to try and save her, he wouldn’t have wanted to disturb his own plans.

So what is the reason?

It’s all Narumi, of course. Perhaps the O.G. shipper, Narumi could tell right away that Mikan’s nullification would be useful, particularly in regards to Natsume. Pairing them up is just another means to an end, as Narumi actually wants the kids to raise some trouble.

Chapter Seven

Being partners with Natsume is quite unhelpful.

Mikan ends up a No-Star and her Special-Star partner is for the most part absent throughout her ordeals, having to cope with it all on her own.

Chapter Seven is mainly lacking Natsume. He functions to not function for most of it, that is to establish himself as being a terrible partner.

There is a moment that stands out, when Mikan is writing a letter to her grandpa, where Natsume appears. Yes, he appears in her head to taunt her about her regret coming to the school, and she spites him by committing to optimism and determination in the future. But he also has a short appearance paralleling a panel of Mikan: they are both in their beds, awake.

WHAT WAS THE REASON?????!??!?!?

This parallel is interesting, their panels right next to each other. She is thinking about her grandpa, and we have no way of knowing what Natsume is thinking about, but there has to be a reason for him to appear despite having been mostly absent so far in the chapter.

To me, it’s another narrative tool to pair them together. They have been so far, in more ways than one, and will continue to be as they fall in love, and this is just another example of how they’d been fated from the start. Even when they hate each other, and even when they aren’t thinking of each other, they’re still tied. Looking at those panels, and seeing Natsume despite his relative irrelevance to the plot, seems to be a message that there’s more to come between them. I don’t know if any of what I’m saying makes sense, or if it seems silly, but there’s very little analysis I can do without just talking about potential.

Later, with Mikan in a new mood, ready to make the most of her situation, the kids are talking about her resilience with both her no-star status and having Natsume as a partner.

Ruka does the talking for Natsume, warning Mikan that she’s being watched and remarking that nobody should have been assigned a no-star for simply disturbing class.

Once again, Mikan and Natsume are paired: they are both treated unfairly, with Mikan given a no-star status she doesn’t deserve, and Natsume given a special-star status despite the fact that he doesn’t even go to class most of the time. They’re the exceptions to the rule, and the reader is made to wonder what exactly it is that they have in common that would result in this treatment.

Ruka tells Mikan not to trust any teachers at the academy, not even Naru, and this is almost like hearing from Natsume himself. Unlike Mikan, who will happily make strong bonds with teachers like Narumi and Nodacchi, Natsume has absolutely no positive adult figures in his life. His father is far away, his mother is dead, and every teacher is someone he holds either directly or indirectly responsible for his suffering. The adults at the school have failed him and he has nobody to trust. Something Natsume needs is a positive role model, somebody he can look up to and have faith in, because as it stands he’s a traumatized boy who absorbs negativity and takes it out in bad ways. A trustworthy adult would very much help Natsume grow and learn better coping skills, and in the meantime it makes perfect sense that he would act out and even be a bully at times.

Chapter Eight

Natsume has a habit of ignoring any and all episodes where Mikan has confrontations with her teachers. He is either dozing off or listening to music with Ruka, and doesn’t seem particularly interested in even watching.

That being said, we see a new side to Natsume in this chapter, a new emotion in a way we haven’t before: fear.

Natsume ditches class with regularity. He does not care about being present. For most classes, he would simply walk out and go screw around somewhere else, but with the dangerous ability class, he doesn’t have that choice.

The other teachers may be complicit, but they won’t do the abuse themselves. Persona is not above that, as we have already noticed despite never even seeing him so far.

If Natsume does not want to attend the dangerous ability class, then he has to run for it, and in this chapter he does, like his life depends on it, because his safety sure does. He’s only ten years old and forced to do horrible missions for the school. This is one of the scenes that reminds me that he is just a child. He knows he could get punished for running, but he does it anyway. Maybe, if he runs fast enough, they won’t catch him. Maybe, if he doesn’t get caught, he doesn’t have to go on a mission. Maybe, just this once, they won’t mind if he doesn’t show. It’s such a childish and desperate thing to do, to avoid pain at the cost of more pain to come.

Natsume is scary when he's scared...

It’s funny that as he is running from pain, he runs into Mikan, who will later alleviate his pain. For now, he just shuts her up so that Persona can pass the area while looking for him. We see Persona for the first time, what Natsume is scared of more than anything, and although his fear seems obvious, Mikan is preoccupied by annoyance for being shut up like that.

They bicker--or she bickers at him, mostly--until the middle schoolers encounter them and start bullying them.

Natsume is ready to ignore them and walk away, until Sumire’s brother calls him a murderer, reminding us of the rumor Hotaru and Iinchou discussed. Natsume stops, and Sumire’s brother whines that he’s just a special star because he’s “Persona’s favorite”.

Sumire and her brother have, like, nothing in common other than curly hair, huh.

Being Persona’s favorite is no privilege, as we know now from the run-in we just had with him and Natsume’s fear. This sets Natsume off and he starts some fires. When they threaten to call Persona, who Natsume was just running from, he responds that they can call him all they want, but he’ll burn them before he can get there to capture him. We see once again, through Natsume standing up for himself, that his berserk button lacks reason (as he is willing to sacrifice punishment by Persona again).

In a last-ditch attempt to threaten him, the middle schoolers threaten Mikan, who they perceive to be Natsume’s new girlfriend. (Calling her his girlfriend is interesting because it is even more proof that they are being narratively paired together! It shouldn’t be a surprise at all that they eventually get together, when almost everybody around them pairs them up like this, even when they can’t stand each other.) They do not expect that Natsume actually hates her, and genuinely doesn’t care if she gets bullied or not. He smiles in twisted amusement at this turn of events and walks away for good this time, leaving Mikan to be bullied.

Aw, he's smiling! How sweet.... oh wait that's a skull.

Now, Natsume is a good person deep inside, somebody who is selfless and kind in secret ways. There is no secret kindness about this scene. He is not a nice person, for sure, and this scene is proof of it.

Natsume is used to sacrificing himself for the comfort and well-being of his loved ones, so there might be relief in not caring about the comfort or well-being of somebody, and being able to choose his own well-being before that of somebody else for once. It makes sense that he would be so amused, because this time nobody has anything to hold over his head.

Conclusion

We have seen some more of the abuse Natsume faces on a daily basis. He and Mikan have been partnered up and they are presented narratively as foils and as pairs even outside of that dynamic.

For the next part, we'll see even more examples of them being paired together, as well as how Natsume is isolated from his classmates.

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#gakuen alice #alice academy #hyuuga natsume #natsume hyuuga #natsumikan #sakura mikan #mikan sakura #my meta #ga #mine #ga meta #ga meta: nm #ga meta: manga #ga meta: manga nm #let's talk about natsumikan #let's talk about natsumikan: natsume #i love him! i love THEM! perfection! excellent story-telling! fantastic! so much to analyze! i ADORE!

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gowns · 3 years

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54honeys replied:

Could u talk more about "male gaze lesbianism" or direct me to women who talk more about it? In recent years I've been trying to contend with the fact that I might be bisexual but it's been so hard to accept because I feel like I only view women with this "male gaze" and makes me question the legitimacy of my attraction

sure... it's something i used to struggle with a lot. the only reason why i don't struggle with it so much anymore is just because i'm old and tired and occupied with babies and children all day. but! let's see...

something that i’ve ruminated on... is that, you know, when there’s a typical adolescent coming of age, and the adolescent starts “noticing” what they find sexy... it's not going to be that deep. the burgeoning of sexuality starts with thinking about it in a dumb cardboard way, because most people, at the beginning of their conception of sexuality, haven’t actually had any sexual experiences yet. (or very little.)

and i think that’s what it’s like for anyone, at any age, who are becoming aware of their sexuality, especially one that's outside the norm ... at least what it was like for me, and the gay friends who i’ve talked to about this. some of them have said like, at the beginning, it just feels like a teenage boy. like “wow. that’s hot. that chick is a mega babe. i want to kiss!!!!” and the sexual fantasy is constructed with like, people-shaped objects. not actual people. because that’s how it has to start. like playing with dolls in your mind.

an element of that will remain, even as you get older and have real sexual experiences. and i think it's fine, as a piece of the puzzle. you can still have that “objectified” perspective for like, fantasies, and even within consensual acts with another person (or persons): sometimes the only way certain things can work is by viewing the person, temporarily, as the means to an end.

this is one aspect of sexuality, is what i'm thinking. ego-driven, "i am subject, the other one is an object." and that's fine in itself. but it seems that the "male gaze" default paints everything with this one big dumb brush, reducing people to body parts, all women become objects, etc. and that is, unfortunately, the default for our culture as a whole. so it can be hard to get out of that one-dimensional default.

but!! if you are interested in exploring your sexuality i think it’s good to be in the place you’re in — questioning it, thinking about it, interrogating assumptions... taking apart the things we’ve picked up from the dominant culture, and marketing, and leaving most of it in the trash... (keeping only the stuff that truly "sparks joy"...)

—

when i first started this blog, a lot of my posts were just pictures of sexy babes. this was in a slightly more advanced way than my teenage conception of babes (which had me blushing at victoria's secret and maxim magazine), but one that was still colored by the media that i consumed — instead of "beer commercial sexiness," it was robert crumb, old pin up magazines, hipster blogs, whatever, like, “alternative” culture’s “sexiness.” and i genuinely found those pictures sexy and appealing. here's some screencaps...

OK. very 2010.

but WHO were making those images?! and to what end?! (what kind of soup was my subconscious swimming in?)

i didn't question it, i was just passively consuming it.

so, on this very blog, i was posting this stuff, and interspersing these images with quotes from feminist writings. and an old friend of mine sent me a message that was like "hey, i know you’re trying to express your sexuality and everything, but you should think about how the images you post are in conflict with the stuff you’re reading. and like, think about if you’re interacting with these images in a passive leering kind of way, or if you can figure out how to embody those images with more personhood." (something along those lines.)

and i have to say... that really stuck with me. i rolled my eyes at first, because i thought i was above it, and engaging with it semi-ironically... but that message, and the concern that she felt, got under my skin.

i sat with that discomfort for a while, and i gradually stopped engaging with that kind of imagery, and as i became more critical of the imagery i consumed, i feel like it also changed the way i dated and looked at women. the way i talked and related to women. i no longer saw them as just a means to an end, you know?

like i’ve been a self-described feminist since i was in grade school, but it took me a really really long time to sit with my fantasies, and then be comfortable sharing them with other people... and then figure out that sex could be something more than a one-way street.*

*basically, i feel that, due to the narratives that i consumed, i believed that women = object, down to my bones... not rationally, no, i would have been angry if you had ever said that to me, but i clearly believed it deep in my body. so that sex with men meant that i was an object, doing them a favor, and sex with women meant that they were objects, for me to touch and look at. this was a very fragmented view of sexuality that only became better when i started interrogating the way i engaged with media.

—

so. all of this to say. that yes. women, as a whole, are sexy and compelling. that is a fact. and to this day, i go to sleep thinking about women, and dream about them and wake up thinking about them, and somewhere in there, there's still that adolescent image of like, a buxom lifeguard running in the sand.

but i think that when i started imbibing women *as a whole* with personhood, including (incredibly) those that only live in my head, and those in advertisements — i think it changed the way i interacted with women in general. like, you can’t have the beer commercial version of a woman living in your head 24/7 and not have that color the way that you talk to and treat other women.

and i think we ALL have to unpack that... the various media cardboard dolls of women... to get to a better, deeper sexuality, and understanding of ourselves... everyone has to do that work. women, men, everybody. because that's the soup we're swimming in

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citadelspires · 3 years

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P1-Looking at how great your posts on how Anne,Sasha,&Marcy would interact with both the Duck nephews and Team Magic, I thought I may as well do one on them interacting with Owl House kids and add Sprig & Polly in there too to even it out. Who do you think the Calamity trio, Sprig, and Polly would get along with the best individually between Luz, Amity, King, Willow, and Gus? I'd assume Luz with Marcy (both fantasy nerds), Amity with Sasha (both not so good friends and maybe not so good parents)

First off, thank you I'm glad you enjoyed my posts about the duck crew! Secondly, I am so sorry it took so long to get to this ask, given how much I loved doing the stuff with the duck kids and amphibia girls the first two times around, these types of asks are my absolute favorites to get, so I decided to wait till I had the time to really put some thought into it and give it the response it deserves! That being said, lets get to it! (rest of the post under the cut cause wow this is long)

Ok so I do agree that Luz and Marcy would get along splendidly but I am saving Marcy for later because I have plans for her, along with a few factors that lead me to believe there's some interesting fun to be had with another combination. While Marcy and Luz both share the "enamored with another world" aspect, Marcy's approach is to enjoy diving into studies and making herself useful on commanded missions and such. Luz can't study for longer than a few minutes at a time, and while she's always down to help her friends, she's also perfectly content causing chaos in the home of a known criminal. However, there is a character from Amphibia who loves to engage in the daring adventure side of the world of amphibia, diving headfirst into whatever trouble they can find, regardless of how much they do or do not know what they're getting into.

Luz is a perfect match to go on chaotic adventures and have massive amounts of fun with Sprig. Sprig, especially at the start of Amphibia, is always the one dragging Anne along on all kinds of adventures in the wilds of amphibia, and Luz is the driving force behind exploring the boiling isles and finding new adventures and places to see, exciting things to do. Whether Sprig ended up on the boiling isles or Luz ended up in Amphibia, I'm certain one of the pair would immediately ask if there were any cool and potentially dangerous places to explore, and the other would be the first one to take them up on it. Sprig would get the chance to see more of what the people from Anne's world are like, and Luz would get the chance to see a little glimpse of that "PG fantasy adventure" she was looking for in the first place. Overall the two of them would have so much fun together, on that I am certain.

Next up, I will admit there are probably better characters for each of these two to get matched up with, so this is admittedly a bit of the two being leftover, but I do think I can buildup a pretty solid argument for the pairing. Willow and Polly is a strange duo on the surface. Polly is bold, loud, and aggressive. Willow is calm, quiet, and gentle. However I think there's some potential there. I think Willow is a really great person to keep Polly out of trouble, in the hypothetical scenario Polly is let loose on the boiling isles that would be a complete disaster(for the isles, Polly would come out of a fistfight with the entire emperors coven unscathed) unless someone was there to reign her in. At first Polly might be a little reluctant to be looked after by someone who is just another kid in her eyes, but we've seen bits and pieces of Polly where we're reminded that, as aggressive as she can be sometimes, she's still just a kid. She's not immune to love and affection, and I think Willow is just the kindhearted, loving person to help Polly feel a little more okay with not always being the strong brave kid she tries so hard to be. As a little bonus I think it would be pretty great for Polly to think she's got Willow and her softhearted nature all figured out after some time only to be taken completely by surprise by the sudden realization the moment Willow uses her magic that "oh hold up this girl is insanely powerful." To be honest that might be a pretty great experience too for her to see that power comes in many shapes and forms. (A lot of the people who are able to fight in amphibia are more agressive about it than willow is so it would be new for polly). This goes double if Willow meets Polly in Amphibia because I mean have you seen how much foliage is in that world? Dear Lord Willow would be a god.

(it is at this point that I realize how long this post is gonna be, maybe I should go put a cut up there somewhere)

For the third pairing I will now reveal where I decided to send Marcy. I would absolutely love to see interactions between Gus and Marcy. Just imagine it. I would argue that Gus is the most curious and inquisitive owl house kid, as well as the most inclined to actually be constantly studying new things instead of jumping right into them. Gus is a dedicated investigator (perhaps too dedicated) and Marcy can absolutely get behind that. Beyond that I think Gus would lose his mind to find another human in the first place, let alone one who can probably recite all of human history off the top of her head. Meanwhile with Marcy, she would be absolutely fascinated by everything and everyone in the boiling isles, and I can just imagine right now that every time she had a new question she'd pose it to Gus and Gus would be like "I... I don't know. *excitedly* I don't know! Let's go find out!" cue the two of them rushing off to investigate:tm:. Also! More than anything else i want Marcy to help provide suggestions to Gus on how to improve/expand his tunnels under hexside because I NEVER FORGOT THE TUNNELS.

With only two pairs leftover y'all can probably guess who's going with who. Unless you can't that would also be fair. I am kinda throwing a curveball with Sasha's I suppose, but I think it actually works out pretty well. Sasha and King have incredibly similar ideas about just about everything. While I think initially King would try to order Sasha around and it would get on Sasha's nerves severely, once that toned down, the two of them would get along really well. Sasha wouldn't see King as a threat due to his size and overall lack of power, and King would just continue seeing Sasha as a very strong pawn, though not out loud so she doesn't yell at him. I mean, we've seen what King would act like provided he became a teenager and it's honestly pretty in line with how Sasha would take over and be in power. I can absolutely see the two of them conspiring to run the whole isle, whether or not those plans ever actually come to fruition, I think she'd develop a soft spot for him.

And finally, I think there's a lot of untapped potential with Anne and Amity. While Anne is more coming from the past of the person who got pushed around and Amity is more the one who did the pushing, the two of them have more to bond over than it would seem. The core concept at the depths of each of their characters, is a chance for them to finally figure out who they are and what they want to be. With Anne it's been Sasha's presence and her need to be socially connected at all times that drove her to have a messed up view of friendship (friends are there to do stuff for other friends, like an exchange for their love), and the feeling she should just be quiet and let everything happen to/around her. With Amity it's the constant pressure from her parents to let them define her along everything she does and all of her relationships. Both Anne and Amity are in a place where, after spending so much time missing out on the chance to form their own identities and become their own people, they're finally starting to realize they can decide who they are. They're finally going to find themselves, and it's gonna be beautiful.

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sylvies-chen · 3 years

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Chicago PD's Characters and the Role of Reform: an Analysis (???)

Hi everyone! The finales of One Chicago aired a couple of weeks ago by now but I've been preparing this post in my head ever since PD's finale aired. I wanted to talk/write about each character's (and maybe even the writers') interpretation of police reform and how it affects the plot. This will also talk about police reform in general. Before I start, I'd just like to state that this will be a bit long and probably biased since a lot of it is influenced by my own views on reform. I'm not interested in debating people on the internet, just putting out interesting perspective on an interesting TV show. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this and feel free to add thoughts of your own— as long as they’re respectful!

Chicago PD's handling of reform in this season was far from perfect but I did enjoy a few things they did with it. We had Kevin, a POC, stand up and fight back when even the people closest to him tried to shut him down. I did have some issue with the way they reduced Kevin's entire set of beliefs/morals to something so trivial and disrespectful as a "woke card" but I think the writers chose to do that on purpose to show how blinded white people can be sometimes. It's more the characters using that term, not the writers, which I thought was a good move since in both situations— Kevin v. Voight in 8x02 and Kevin v. Adam in 8x16– they made sure it's clear that Kevin is in the right. Voight may have been frustrated and Adam may have been spiraling over losing Kim (love me some #Burzek), but Kevin was still in the right. If only we could have some more varied representation on this show! That way, Kevin wouldn’t have to be used as the emotional punching bag all the time for these white characters and their misplaced frustrations with the system (added onto their personal frustrations which fluctuate on a episode-to-episode basis).

Now, onto the view on reform because this is where it gets interesting. I'm going to go ahead and say something that might be controversial: I think the majority of conflicts in this season have come from a gross misinterpretation of the concept of reform. This is especially highlighted in the finale when we see Adam saying he should be able to change/bend/break the rules to save someone he loves. It's also shown in the case with Miller's son Darrell and how they need to break the rules to save him, the case in 8x11 that Hailey considers breaking the rules for. It could even be loosely applies to 8x06 when Jay feels the need to break the rules only slightly in order to serve proper justice for their victim's father. Proper justice, in this case for Jay, being mercy towards the father and doing what's right in Jay's mind. Notice a common theme? These characters who are against reform (I know Voight was so good most of the season but he still falls into that category because of the first and last two episodes) all have one thing in common: the way they view reform. Voight, Hailey, and Adam, somewhere along the line (in my opinion), have all come to think of reform as a social push to get police officers to adhere to the proper guidelines when in reality, that's only a small fraction of an otherwise complex concept. Reform isn't all about getting police to follow the rules-- reform in and of itself is recognizing that the rules that are set into place aren't always effective. There are rules that are discriminatory, rules that are bureaucratic nonsense, rules that disproportionately affect specific groups of people, and rules that create roadblocks to solving real problems. Hell, the original police systems in North America especially were created to persecute minorities and maintain military power over citizens. The need for reform is referencing a larger systemic issue and getting police officers to follow the most basic procedures is just the tip of the iceberg. I don't want to get too much into the principles behind reform here because I am no expert. I recognize that because I am white I benefit from these rules/systems put into place so my voice shouldn't matter in the grand scheme of things, but I do think the majority of the tensions in this season of Chicago PD stem from the extreme oversimplification of reform. It surprised me too when I thought about it because they've managed to explore the grey areas/more complex aspects of it, but I think the writers are intentionally making that decision which makes it really interesting.

Throughout the season, I couldn’t help but feel that these characters considered reform as the push from the public to adhere to guidelines-- as they should, obviously-- but while ignoring the more nuanced principles of reform such as asking themselves questions like: is what I'm doing truly helping the communities we've sworn to serve and protect? Are the solutions us cops in Intelligence are offering permanent solutions? Should we be rethinking our principles of justice to be less retributive and more procedural-- or even more restorative?

This is all in reference to the characters, of course, not the writers. We have Voight, Hailey, and Adam resisting reform because they don’t see value in following the rules. But reform, in its purest form, is recognizing that the rules need changing, which is why it’s so interesting to see the “opposing side” against it even though they also believe the rules aren’t helping them. So I think it's really good and interesting how the writers have written these characters as having very complex and layered discussions/arguments about reform and about justice while still doing that. Because their contempt for the rules comes from a place of wanting to carry out justice, just like Kevin and all the others who push for reform, but they’re motivated by ideals closer to retributive justice and using their position of power to exact a more personal form of justice. Because of Hailey, Adam, and Voight’s more personal and intimate views of justice, their solutions always feel short-term. For example, Voight murdering suspects, bashing in cars, etc. This is all stuff that creates a temporary fix but their passion towards justice makes them care more about the personal, emotional release that kind of justice brings than the actual, long-term change. This is especially shown in that one scene where Hailey tells Jay the story about how a clerical error made an offender walk, which she sort of views as a reason why breaking the rules should be allowed whereas Kevin would view that as a reason why the rules need changing. Again, short-term vs. long-term.

This is not to say that Hailey, Voight, and Adam are evil, obviously. They're complicated, but they're far from evil. (Well, the jury’s still out on Voight. Haha!) What this show is portraying, however, is how the ideas of reform can be fleeting and temporary and all-around fickle in the minds of these characters when they reach a certain breaking point. They're able to throw this aside because they're all white, so it doesn't affect them personally. But right off the bat in season 8 we've seen it affect Kevin professionally AND personally in every single way. Others are almost viewing it as a social trend or a push to be a rule-follower though which is why both Adam and Voight, when put under emotional distress, are so easily able to downplay Kevin's push for doing things the right way. (Even though, really, he's asking for the bare minimum here of following the rules and not killing people.) Kevin, ever the conscience of the group, doesn’t put up with it and keeps people in check which can be extremely aggravating when you’re in a very emotional state and want to let your emotions lead you on a rampage. Hence, this is the root cause of the majority of tensions between the unit— in season 8 especially.

Anyway, this is all to say that I think this season of Chicago PD has done quite a lot in terms of portraying reform and the need for systemic change while still staying true to their characters and delving into how their privelege has led to them misinterpreting reform. Which leads to the portraying of some fairly corrupt policing, but never condoning it. At the very least, they show how it's less important for these characters since they all have a breaking point where reform becomes moot whereas for a black man like Kevin, it's more firmly ingrained into him. That’s a concept that is all too common in the real world, and one I appreciated that they represented even though some things weren’t so great.

#abby trying to be meta? it’s more common than you think #chicago pd #hank voight #adam ruzek #hailey upton #kevin atwater #analysis #meta timeeee #meta #police reform #one chicago

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alwaysalreadyangry · 3 years

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Charlotte, I've wanted to get into poetry for a while but haven't really known where or how to start, mostly because I have this kind of maybe weird tendency to rush through poems like I'm gulping down water. Curious how one actually like, reads and enjoys a poem; would love to hear your thoughts on reading and reception. Also I'm looking for lush, angry, queer, weird poems filled with longing, and would love to hear any suggestions or recs you might have!

ooh this has been really interesting to think about!! have been rolling it around in my brain for a while.

so, first off, a disclaimer: i don’t necessarily think i am a great or even a very good reader of poetry a lot of the time, and that’s fine -- if it’s worth doing it’s worth doing badly, etc. i am easily distracted and i tire out quickly and my magpie brain will focus on like, the language of a poem to the detraction of all else, and unless i’m being paid to write about a book or a poem or something then i don’t think reading in a way that feels wrong or inadequate is a problem on its own. sometimes i just enjoy quickly skimming for the language, and that’s good, that’s fine.

BUT for wanting to read to get more pleasure from poetry: i tend to say to read it like this the first time if that comes naturally to you, as it often does to me. skim, read it through without paying attention to the narrative or syntactical structure, but instead just looking for anything that makes your brain sparkle -- for me it’s going to usually be imagery and/or sound-patterning. see if there’s anything that makes you curious enough to dig in, any lines or sentiments that you like on their own. the surface-level or immediate pleasures with poetry are great and often what makes it worth digging down into the other stuff.

then, if you want to dig into a poem, it’s time to re-read! this time i’d recommend reading with closer attention to the most straightforward level of narrative or meaning: what is the poem most obviously saying? i am not someone who subvocalises, and sometimes my instinctively fast reading speed makes it hard for me to actually do this if the poem is at all playing around with language. in that case, it helps to read out loud, and to only move on from one sentence or stanza (or whatever unit of meaning the poem is using) once i have figured out what it means on a semantic level. depending on the length of the poem, once you’ve figured out as much of it as you can or care to, i’d recommend another quick read through to try and consolidate all of that in your mind.

then -- well, then you’ve kind of got the basics and the stuff that you’re interested in, and it can be fun to look back at the bits you liked in the first place to see what they mean to the rest of the poem, what they mean in terms of what the poem is saying. it could be that a rhyme or a repeated use of assonance emphasises something... you might find that two words are being linked by internal rhyme that don’t seem to have much to say to one another otherwise. is there any meaning there, in that connection? does it change what the poem says? how does the poem and what it does make you feel?

and depending on the poem you then want to just read again looking for anything else significant. is there a part of the poem you dislike? if you reread looking out for that, can you work out what’s going on there and why you dislike that aspect of it?

this will only work with certain types of poem, admittedly. i like a lot of poetry that is more innovative and abstract, where i have no clue what a poem is saying or doing, but i like the language and the feeling of the syntax inside my brain. so i’ll reread those a few times but don’t really have a semantic framework to get into them. it’s more about the language.

and then there’s visual poetry which doesn’t make use of words but of like -- shapes or the relation of shapes to space, and then it’s just about, idk. how i decide to try and “read” those relations and shapes, which i have no real roadmap for. i often just find myself staring at it like i would visual art, or trying to somehow reenact the shapes with my body as i “read” (like when i read a visual poem earlier today that is just a sequence of bells ringing in different directions -- to keep track of it i followed the bell’s movement with my head, tilting it right and then left).

does that make sense? i truly think that we don’t need to understand poetry to enjoy it; that there’s no right way to read or enjoy poetry, and that if we find we’re reading a poem that doesn’t interest us or make us happy, you can just stop. although if a poem makes a reader uncomfortable it can be a good idea to follow this kind of reading pattern to try and work out why! i hope this makes sense -- i’m afraid my answer is essentially just “reread the poems a lot”, but it’s good to go in knowing what to pay attention to each time, even if it’s just “this time i pay attention to what i like” and “this time i pay attention to what i dislike”. my brain needs structure like that because otherwise it is too flighty and sticky and will just roll around one phrase it likes in there for hours.

in terms of poetry recommendations, this is oddly tricky because there’s such an unexpected gulf between UK and US poetry -- i read more UK poetry and while there’s been a big explosion in the amount of interesting & vital queer poetry being published here over the past decade or so, a lot of it is relatively hard to get hold of unless you’re constantly keeping track of all of the new presses publishing pamphlets. so this is going to swing more US-focused but i will see if there’s any UK stuff i can think of too.

so first off, a cheat: i would recommend getting hold of these two big anthologies of trans poetry and having a look through to see if any of the writers grab your attention. hopefully academic libraries will have these or will get them on request? i say, hopefully. there is we want it all: an anthology of radical trans poetics, which came out recently (and i don’t have a copy yet). and then there’s troubling the line: trans and genderqueer poetry and poetics, from 2013. not as politically radical i’m guessing, but still could be worth looking through to see which writers you connect with.

i am drawing a blank on other anthologies right now, but in terms of exploring UK poetry, you can access issues of the zine zarf online here and i recommend it. not all queer but the editor is and there’s a great collection of stuff in there. i also recommend getting hold of their pamphlets as PDFs here, try alison rumfitt and gloria dawson.

second off, these are some poets i think you might like, i will link to some sample poems. mostly contemporary but not all:

dawn lundy martin

CAConrad

jackie wang

robert duncan

jack spicer (PDF)

jay bernard

miriam bird greenberg

sofia samatar

samuel the nagid

vahni capildeo

sophie robinson

frank o’hara

agha shahid ali

i am sure there are many many others i am forgetting but! i hope this is helpful!!!

#answers #poetry

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bookwyrminspiration · 3 years

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So uh. I reblogged the latest wings au chapter and forgot to actually read it until now. Working memory is little bitch like that sometimes I guess.

-Elwin! I’ll be honest, I sort of forgot about him, but it was so great to see him again and hear his side of everything. And yay for the kotlcrew finally getting their injuries looked at by someone who knows what they’re doing.

-The middle section of them all just vibing and being teenagers was great, I love seeing them interact like real people.

-This is kind of a minor point, but I think there was more of Wylie in this chapter than there has been in a little while, so that was cool. I hope there’s more of him again soon, and I’m really interested to see your take on his ability and his wings.

-The messages! I’m guessing they’re riddles, and I wonder if the messages she hasn’t looked at contain more clues to the riddles.

-The ending!! Is it something about the presence dragons of dragons that inspires violence in people (which would be so cool)? And if so, what does that mean for Marella 👀…?

this just reminded me that 1. i still need to read my partner's fic they posted a very long time ago 2. there's a little more writing left for the wings au today to meet my goal. but!! onto your ask first! this is super sweet and i'm very glad you enjoyed the chapter!! trying to balance adding a new character while keeping up the interactions amongst the others and all that!

-- I'll be honest I kinda forgot about Elwin too and put off adding him in probably longer than made sense, but they just finally reached the breaking point where it was getting more and more annoying to keep track of all the injuries (on my end, at least!) so from a writer's perspective he's kinda being used as a reset opportunity, because he wouldn't leave anyone unattended to. so once he's completed his part in this section of the story, I can approach the next with a clean slate in terms of injuries and what they're physically capable of! and it was also just a great opportunity to get an outside perspective and some feedback on a few of their more questionable decisions without being judged. it's just been them working amongst each other with no outside input, which only helps them to a certain degree. in that way, i guess elwin functions like a mental reset too, changing how they'll think about and approach any future endeavors. also i just like him :)

-- me too!! as someone who is essentially smack in the middle of all the characters' ages, I sometimes feel there's the teenage part of them that's missing, likely because they were written by someone who is not currently a teenager! which is fine, I don't expect her to be able to write about just casually being teenagers in this day and age without having that experience, but as a fic writer I can kinda slip in some of that banter we have with each other to just give them more of an awake feeling, like they're more people-like! because that kind of conversation and just improvised banter poking fun at each other is the kind of thing I would do with people in real life! it's also just fun to give them a slightly different twist, because there's an aspect of them I get to explore that Shannon doesn't as I have removed the romance

-- yep! there was more Wylie that I think there's been in a while--he had a few brief lines in chapter 9 (or was it 10?), but I haven't really touched on him and Maruca yet because they're more minor characters in canon and I haven't 100% figured out how I want to integrate them. but! they're not just gonna be background characters forever, I've just kinda been approaching each person one or two at a time, and Maruca and Wylie haven't come up in that aspect yet. however, I do have plans to include them more in the near future. so that's something I'm both nervous and excited to write!! i think the wings I've given him are pretty fun, so hopefully you'll like my choice as well!

-- the messages! the long awaited messages have finally been revealed! i hope they were worth that wait--I didn't expect them to attract as much attention as they did, but several people seem very put-off with me (in a joking, fun way) for that one cliffhanger where she almost read them, only to talk to elwin instead. they are riddles!! well, really it's one big riddle split into two parts. they coexist, I suppose. they rely on each other for the answer they point to. i can say tho, that as of right now they are entirely self-sufficient and Sophie shouldn't need any other outside information to figure them out, just those two messages! there may be more secrets and puzzles to figure out that she acquires later tho...who knows !!

-- the ending! the drama of linh lunging towards Sophie at the sight of that dragon scale. was she attacking? was it the dragon scale itself or something else building up? so many questions!! all of which I happen to have the answer to, but that's for you all to find out later! or just to theorize about--I might not explain every single little detail within the writing. but there is definitely more about the dragons that will be touched on later and what they mean storywise for both Marella and Linh (still not saying what her wings are, but there's clearly something going on!!)

I'm very pleased that you liked this chapter!! there was a lot of set up for future drama going on so it's really cool to see what stood out to you and which details you liked. this au just keeps getting longer and longer so i'm honored you've stuck around this long! we are....rapidly approaching 100,000 words. currently at almost 94,000 (including unpublished) and I! don't know how to react to that!

but that's besides the point. thank you for reading and commenting on the au!!

#and we haven't even reached some of the things I want to yet #i have no idea how long this thing will end up being #i just know that when I'm done I could print this thing out and like actually bind it and it would be longer than some of the actual books #on my shelf #oo i could even sign it #have a signed author copy #and write a little note to myself in it #i am very tempted to do that #anyone else want a signed copy? /hj #kotlc #keeper of the lost cities #kotlc wings au #wings au asks #shattered upside down #quil's queries #tiergan-andrin-alenefar #oo also btw nice theme! i saw it changed #long post

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strangertheory · 3 years

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I saw a post of an updated map of Hawkins on reddit and all the work that had to go into it because of inconsistencies in the maps/locations. the duffers take so much care in all the little details down to background props and hair ties. do you think maybe, the fact that the many maps of Hawkins don't line up, could support your theory that Hawkins is an internal world (or multiple) too?

I had not seen this Reddit thread prior to you contacting me to ask about it, but now that I have: Wow. Wowowowowowowow.

Yes! Thank you so, so much for sharing this particular Reddit post with me.

Given how much time this Redditor spent studying the different maps of Hawkins that are featured at different points in the series and creating the references photos representing their research, I encourage everyone to go read their original post and perhaps if you have a Reddit account consider upvoting it and supporting them and their efforts.

You can read the original Reddit thread that we will be discussing in this blogpost here at this link. (Go check it out!)

The aspect of the research and information provided to us in this Reddit post that interests me the most is, of course, this statement:

“The official map, as I call it, is near-identical to the one seen in ST2 Hawkins PD with Hopper’s marking the rotting farm locations. That one also matches one Murray had pinned to his wall that he shares with Jonathan and Nancy in ST2. Since they made commercial copies of this to share with the public, I have to consider it official and/ or at least the best starting point. There are other maps shown in the series and they DO NOT match this one and even have things flipped… one could say upside down…”

For a while now I have strongly suspected that there might be scenes in the series that take place in an “Upside Down” or a “dark reflection of our world” that we (and perhaps the characters themselves) are not yet aware could be taking place in a different version of Hawkins. This renews my enthusiasm for my theory that there is a meta layer to the events in the story that we fans aren’t aware of yet and that might involve characters existing in different places (and ways) than we currently understand. Perhaps there are less overt distinctions between the Hawkins that we think we know and yet another version of Hawkins than the eerie "Upside Down" alone.

Are there simply many parallel universes that are nearly identical to the one that the characters live in and that might have identical versions of themselves inhabiting them, too? Are we (sometimes) following the experiences of alters and introjects dealing with memories in internal worlds in a DID System as I currently wonder?

I think this Reddit post gives us a lot to think about.

If the work that this Redditor did is accurate, and if certain landmarks of Hawkins are inverted on maps at different points in the show, then I definitely have one more detail in Stranger Things that is going to be keeping me awake thinking at night and thinking about various theories until season 4 is released.

“Do you feel cold?” “No, just a little out of it. Like I haven’t really woken up yet.”

Do Will and El only interact when they are in the “Upside Down” or have some form of access to another state of consciousness (co-consciousness?) or an internal world? I discuss this idea briefly in this post about Will Byers’ Secret Files and also explore the way this could be implied during Mike and Will’s conversation on Halloween in this other blogpost.

They certainly share many, many parallels that cannot simply be a coincidence.

I’ve speculated that perhaps Hopper’s Cabin and Starcourt Mall are internal worlds, and I’ve even sometimes speculated that the entirety of Hawkins could have a mirrored alternate version of itself in another parallel universe or in a different layer of consciousness. I strongly suspect that the “Russia” that Hopper is trapped in might not quite be the Russia that we all know in our world but an "Upside Down” Russia.

I’m thinking about those Matryoshka Dolls again and thinking about different levels of consciousness / reality and meta-narratives like those featured in Stranger Things 4 Video Store Friday movies such as Inception, The Matrix, The Truman Show, Inside Out, Welcome to Marwen, The Wizard of Oz, and many others.

What secrets do we not yet know about these characters and the story yet? I’m dying to know, and I suspect that there are many secrets woven into the fabric of the series so far that will make a little more sense by the end of season 5.

*I’ve discussed the hypothetical that Stranger Things might be based on the concept of alters in a DID System dealing with traumatic memories and persecutor alters within internal worlds in other blogposts (many of which are pinned at the top of my blog) so I won’t go through the entire nuanced concept here, however I want to once again remind anyone reading this that whether or not my thoughts regarding the creative intentions of the writers turn out to be true or not, a fictionalized Netflix series or a fan-theory blog like this one is not the place to learn about real world medical conditions such as dissociative identity disorder and I encourage everyone who is interested in the topic to seek out legitimate, recent medical authorities and sources that can provide you more information on this topic. I actually have another Ask in my inbox which requested that I touch on the ethics of writers choosing to feature real-world medical conditions within fantastical universes that I’ll be answering hopefully within the next week or two. (I want to give it my best careful effort since it’s such an important topic.)

#stranger things theories #stranger things #the did theory #hawkins indiana

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zersium · 3 years

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Cloak & Dagger Update — Status and Future Plans

So, it’s been a while, huh? Read below regarding Cloak & Dagger’s current status, plus a more detailed breakdown of changes made to the first instalment, from a certain point of view!

Hello and welcome! Today marks Cloak & Dagger’s fourth anniversary (isn’t that just nuts?) so today I’d like to talk a bit more about my plans for the series, and to expand upon my answers to recent asks on the subject.

from a certain point of view, 2.0

Before you read any further, you can find the updated from a certain point of view here on AO3. The rest of this post contains spoilers, so if you haven’t read it be sure to do so!

Below are my comments on a few of the changes I’ve made (which might clue you in on possible future events):

Conclusion of Anakin vs Obi-Wan ➤ Obi-Wan leaving Anakin whole was always something that I’ve stayed true to—suitless Vader is simply too good to resist—but this ambiguous approach to the conclusion of their fight is unique to the revision of the fic. At the culminating moment of their fight, Obi-Wan doesn’t reach far enough to maim Anakin, and thus Anakin doesn’t fall by the bank. This is something I believe could have happened in canon had Anakin been more in control of himself, as his fate here hangs on his ability to make the right call of judgement. In canon, he is unable to do so when consumed by the Dark, but C&D Anakin can sense the danger of his darker emotions, to a point where he knows to twist out of the way when he leaps.

Obi-Wan’s Dark Side ➤ The ambiguity of my previous point lies with the hint of Obi-Wan’s own weakness, and the recollection of TPM. This aspect of his character is not something I initially thought to explore, but seeds of the Dark appearing in Obi-Wan’s most desperate moment is definitely plausible. Here is a man who has lost everything, who has been given an impossible task—and though he is a perfect Jedi, what is a perfect Jedi when there are close to no Jedi left? This is a recurring theme post Order 66—a Jedi’s place in the world without the Order—and that all begins here, in Obi-Wan’s darkest hour.

Caleb and Grogu ➤ Four years ago, Mandalorian did not exist. Yet, with the ever-evolving SW canon, and with my own returning interest linked in part to the show, Grogu’s existence was a point of particular interest in the context of the alternate Temple attack. Plus, I think Kanan is rad, and since the Ghost crew appears later on in “revelation”, well. (Another surprise sometime down the line? Perhaps!)

Padmé’s Funeral ➤ Anakin feels?? Hello??? In all seriousness, this scene is something I wanted to include as a way to expand upon Anakin’s emotional state, and the effects that the duress of the mission have had on him so far. C&D Anakin is a lot more in control of his feelings than in canon (and for this there’s a reason!), so he doesn’t succumb to acting on anger as a first resort. BUT, this transition to a hollow state is a lot scarier for him, as it forces him to further come to terms with the weight of his responsibilities in this assignment. Sorry, not sorry. Anakin suffering is in and of itself a recurring theme ;)

Closing Scene ➤ For readers familiar with the original conclusion to this fic, the ending on Anakin finding Ahsoka’s shouta is new! As you can probably gather, it’s for the same reason as above—TCW season 7 was simply not a thing in 2017, and since its release I could not stop thinking about the absolute desolation this scene portrayed. It’s a perfect cinematic conclusion to the era, and a perfect transition for this verse’s Anakin.

These are all the major changes I made that I’d like to touch upon! There’s a few more tweaks here and there, of course, but these 5 in particular I feel warrant a full explanation for those that would like to read it.

The Future of Cloak & Dagger

Regarding the future of this series, for the moment I’m working on a revamp of the other published works ahead of starting any new ones. The truth of the matter is that most of these fics are pretty dated, and my writing has changed a lot over time. As such, there’s areas of the series that I’d like to restructure and new details I’d like to add for the sake of cohesion and an improved narrative. Evidently, this’ll take time, but I’d like to extend a shoutout to those who’ve stuck by me throughout and continue to do so—your support over the years means more to me than I can adequately express.

If you’ve made it to the bottom of this post, thank you so much for reading through my ramblings! I have a lot of thoughts about these changes, and I sincerely hope you enjoyed the updated from a certain point of view. If you’ve got any more questions, or would like to share your thoughts, feel free to shoot me an ask!

#cheers lads! popping one open this time around #ALSO i finally updated the tags because that was also long overdue #cloak and dagger #my writing #long post #text

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stardustpinkart · 3 years

Photo

Been playing "Hogwarts Mystery" game app, and it gace me ideas for two Ocs So I figured draw some art on them.

Hazel Jones. Proceed to ramble off random info about her, or what I;ve figured out so far

Grew up in a wizard village in the countryside, old english style like something out of a picture book. Lots of surrounding woodland and hills and rivers to go exploring in. Hazel would spend all her time in nature, she loves both magic and normal animals and could happily spend hours outdoors.

She has a very kind heart and trys to see the good in everyone, even meaner characters(Filch, Merula.) She's not stupid she just tries her best to be nice and give credit where its due, she is very honest as part of this. However she is also brave when needby, trys to stick up for her friends or when things arent fair.

She actually sort of LIKES Snape because while nasty at times, he's brutally honest too? And that can be useful in lessons, she wants to get better at what she does and advice like "Just keep praticing you'll get the hang of it" is not very helpful.

She thinks all kinds of animals are cute, and that includes the more dangerous creatures XD Acromantulas, Mountain Trolls, Dragons. But luky she has a bit more sense, or at least learns in time, how to be more careful and handle them, shes not quite as oblvious as Hagrid or Kettleburn(though she is often seen hanging with both, they could talk creatures for hours).

Honest, kind, sweet, its rather hard to dislike Hazel though more hardhearted characters will deny any fondness vehemently.

Will grow up to be a Magizooligist In the game you can pick your partners, and I suppose you can just ignore it also if you wanted? I like to pair her with Barnaby, but as an aletrnative I also think Merula would be cute.

Tessa Sloane. I think everyone is a bit more curious/fed up with some of the old aspects of the HP world. Mainly how all Slytherins must be bad, Gryfindoors are all heros, etc. But I think its parlty a product of its time. The 90s, and orignally a kids book? A bit more black and white, who's bad who isent. Imagine if it was rewritten now with more dpeth and exploration? Like the lines of "Infinity Train". And what if the main characters where in diffrent houses? Thats one thing that kinda buggs me really, sticking to there own houses rather than make friends in other groups? it might have been more intresting for example if the Main Trio were all in diffrnet houses, but seeked each other out anyway? I mean isent that how real life works, its just a question of meeting the right people, certain parts of there perosnality or upbrigning shouldent matter

In this case, for a Slytherin, Tessa is actually prett nice. Shes like a normal girl. All this Pureblood and good manners and acting like you have a pole up your business is not her thing(sadly a lot of Slytherins seem to be this way which is a bit boring).

Her grandparents on both sides were these types, and her parents grew up miserable becuase of this. Proper behaviour, dont do anything to shame the family name, walking on eggshells having to be perfect.

So when they had Tessa they dident want her to go through the same misery and bullcrap they did. There loving if rather nervous people, due to there upbringing(victims of abuse), but they try to encourage there daughter to explore and find things out for herself, give her more freedom than they ever had

She loves her mum and dad, hates her grandparents. There total hatemongers, think along the lines of crazy ass christian families, act like everythings a sin, "No grandchild of mine is going to be a queer/muggle lover". MIND, I wonder if homosexuality would be a big deal in the Wizard world? Ive often seen in fics there a bit more openminded about it, infact its sometimes even tradition(doesnet matter who you marry as long as there magic). Thats an interesting idea, even with humans in the old days homosexuality wasent a big deal, but at some piont in history religions started deciding it was evil and people deserved to die for it.

Tessa is tomboyish, loud, snarky, does her own thing, which is not easy with the other members of her house. They tend to look down on her, she does not behave "properly". But not everyone is an ass, there are some nice Slytherins too. She lived in London with her parents, hidden in plain sight. There cover job when anyone asks I reckon is buisinessmen/women or bankers. As a result she grew up next to Muggles and most of her childhood friends were. They'd spend days riding bikes, skateboarding, football, stuff like that. That might partly be why she smore openminded, and likes a fair bit of Muggle Stuff. Especially Doctor Who. She also likes music and dancing(really good dancer). And maybe part of it is a giant middle finger to her narrowminded evil grandparents. Rebel against hateful ideas, refuse to be anything like them. A litttle teenage rebellion mixed it too I suppose. She doesnet like girly clothes, doesnet care for dresses and skirts they make her feel uncomfortable so wears pants as part of her uniform. Some schools have this option. I wonder if she had to fight the teachers and headmasters on this?

Usually deals with life with smart ass jokes and humour. Big Quidditch fan, plays on the school team. Maybe a Beater?

Crush, Penny Haywood. She likes her because shes so bubbly, cheerful and friendly.

#artwork #fanart #ocs #oc #harry potter oc #hp oc #slytherin #hufflepuff #barnaby lee #merula snyde #penny haywood #hp #harry potter

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earthstellar · 3 years

Text

Russian Transformers AU Story Layout

Below the cut is a rough layout of story construction timeline to help structure chapter development.

Each part is multi-chaptered, so this is not to outline every single detail, but is to provide a framework for story development.

At the end, I also include some writing tips, which may or may not be helpful, but I’m a published author (there’s no way to say that without sounding pretentious) and sometimes people ask me stuff, so I figured I’d add some notes in case there are any writers out there, fanfiction or otherwise, who might find them helpful to think about.

PART 1:

Post-space battle entry into Earth's atmosphere, initial interactions with Russian environment (West Siberian area), Russian Forces initial involvement + establishment of dedicated Agent, kids hear rumours and explore, kids get caught by Autobots

PART 2:

Kids get familiar, the Agent is made aware of their presence and tolerates it to avoid news of the autonomous zone spreading further and possibly causing a panic/more investigation by surrounding people, we see the kids settle in a bit and get used to their guardians, with some cultural exchange and more lighthearted stuff to establish the human-autobot connection; Storytelling session, building stuff with each other, discussion of local environment and Russian social aspects (culture, etc.) with the bots providing the same information about Cybertron for the kids + the Agent, etc. to expand the audience knowledge of both Russia and Cybertron in a natural progression

PART 3:

Agent questions Autobots regarding other similar crash detected (where?) in Russia, turns out it's Decepticons, (still developing part 3, will expand on this once we get to that point)

There will likely be more parts which encompass multiple chapters etc. as things go along.

Bullet Points for PART 1:

-Post-Battle with Decepticons, ship enters Earth's atmosphere, they land in Russia based on low presence of local life forms and detect energon crystals throughout the region

-Surveying Western Siberia + Russian air forces detect foreign object entry into Russian air space, investigation begins

-Begin to assemble parts for a base, location layout expanded upon

-The kids are introduced, not yet involved with autobots but some setup is laid out for their eventual involvement

-Govt + Bots meet, Autonomous Zone is declared for the autobots after negotiations and diplomatic engagement, some human assistance from Russian forces re: allocating space/borders and some basic supplies begins - Russian Agent is allocated to the team for residency on site to monitor Autobots and aid with human relations

-Locals become suspicious of increased activity in the surrounding areas; Fades quickly as the Russian Forces mostly head out after initial contact with Autobots, but it was enough to stick in people's minds

-Rumours spread, mostly among childen. The adults/parents are mostly glad it seems to have been some rural training exercise that concluded without incident. Miko hears about it at school, Jack hears his mom talking about it on the phone in the morning before she heads off to work, Raf reads about it online - they individually decide to investigate and later meet one of two ways:

1) Each are busted by a different bot, brought back to the makeshift base, meet each other there

2) Meet each other in the periphery of the autonomous zone, decide to investigate together and get busted by bots who are re-purposing and repairing old materials gathered from a local abandoned textiles factory for the sake of base construction and get caught once a piece of siding they were hiding behind is picked up and moved by probably Bulkhead, who startles and alerts the others

Other relevant information:

Master Post of Russian TF AU material so far

My other fanfiction works for Transformers media

Again, all of the bullet points above are just quick ideas.

I don’t usually write this stuff out to share publicly, but as @everdino and @milabazal2002 have been kind enough to offer very important insights and information that has helped me develop this concept significantly, I want to share the entire development process so that we can continue to discuss the idea together as much as they’d like. I can’t thank them enough for their contributions! :)

(Actually, if the two of you want to be credited as collaborators on this work, I would like to include you both in the credits for this AU. I would love to give you both the credit you deserve for helping me learn and understand more about Russia and Russian people, and for your contributions to the AU concept itself. Without you two, I wouldn’t be able to make this story work!)

Writing Tips from Someone Who Is Somehow a Published Author:

When I write for things that will be published, I don’t ever really need to share this part of the process with many of my editors, so this is the first time I’m putting the way my brain works out there! Usually co-writers, if any, are the only ones who see this kind of stuff so early in the process.

It probably comes across as messy, but for anyone who wants to write professionally or even just in general, remember that your planning process doesn’t have to be perfectly ordered; Every story starts as an idea that gets built upon in ways that might not be linear, so it’s okay if you end up with notebooks or documents full of single-line ideas to develop further. Save your brain power for putting it all together, and just plan concepts out bit by bit in a way that makes sense to you.

Explain anything that may need explaining, and do so in a way that helps you explain to your readers/audience. Take notes and bridge individual thoughts or ideas for scenes into a fluid piece of work, and review + refine it as needed.

You don’t need to plan everything 100% from the start. Some things will evolve naturally, and you can only tell once you get started; It can take a few chapters before you have an overview of anything, so don’t put pressure on yourself if you still don’t know how things end, or don’t know certain aspects of story. You can develop things as you go, which works best for mid-length works.

For a huge story you want to take place over many chapters, you can work off of a general timeline or idea of main story beats, and build from there. You still don’t need to know every little thing, but play with it, see what works, and don’t be afraid to try out different stuff. Sometimes no or minimal structure is the best structure, especially for smaller or shorter works.

When I write fanfiction, I imagine I’m initially writing a concept for an episode of the show, and try to structure narrative etc. around that. I like to imagine visuals, even sound effects and music compositions, to add to individual scenes which make up the “episode”. I consider each chapter an “episode”, and think about how it might play out in 30 minutes on screen.

That type of visualisation may not help everyone, but I find it helps me determine how much to pack into a single chapter and how to go from chapter to chapter in a story’s plot, character development, etc. to form a full “season”.

Each part, as outlined above, can be considered a “season”, which each individual chapter being an “episode” of that season!

Crowdsourcing Research!

If any other Russian people want to comment or point out things that may be interesting to see or include in a Transformers story set in Russia, I am 100% open to hearing from Russian people!

I am writing about your country, and I want to be sure I represent it accurately and with care for any details I may not be aware of, or may not find in my own research.

Feel free to tell me about things, places, etc. that you would like to see, or think might be interesting to include!

#Russian Transformers #Russian TF AU #Russian Transformers AU #writing #fanfic #tf fanfic #story planning

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whentherewerebicycles · 3 years

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i have to wonder if there's an implication that can be drawn the other way around wrt playfulness and stress - not that un-playful individuals experience stress more acutely, but that people who experience stress more acutely become less and less playful. i have intense, disproportionate shame/fear reactions due to Childhood Trauma(tm) and it's inhibiting as fuck - my work with my singing teacher to relax and (though i've never framed it this way) play(!) w/out embarrassment has been (1/3)

one of the most healing things for me... so i think there's this nexus of inhibition & confidence/security & perspective/scale & playfulness & resilience. to be playful you have to be a bit silly and vulnerable and willing to take a risk on doing something "wrong" i.e. not take yourself too seriously, but if you feel chronically unsafe you'll take yourself & everything else too seriously and want to do it "right" so you minimize the perceived risk of harm. going back to my singing teacher (2/3)

the most important thing she did for me was create an explicitly safe, non-judgmental environment where it's not only ok but even desirable to "fuck up" and "look/sound stupid" and to reinforce that message multiple times. so anyway that quote just made me think that "don't take things/yourself too seriously" sits at this interesting intersection between increasing playfulness & coping strategies for emotional damage. sorry to ramble about it in your ask box lol! (3/3)

yes I think this is so so true!! all of this, lol, but especially the part about how acute stress can make it increasingly difficult to be playful. i have written a lot about working through internalized shame here in the past, and especially about the ways that shame causes you to both physically and emotionally shut down parts of yourself. (i actually gave a talk about this subject recently! it was like, a layman’s intro to the neuroscience of shame, with a specific focus on how shame responses affect people’s ability to learn & to connect socially with others in learning spaces.)

i do just want to clarify that the excerpt i posted was from a study that was very narrowly focused on answering the question: “is there a link between playfulness levels and positive/adaptive coping mechanisms in responding to stress?” the study wasn’t designed to answer larger questions about what kinds of life experiences might produce higher levels of playfulness vs. make it difficult to be playful (such as past trauma, not having one’s basic needs for security met, etc.). in the conclusion the authors note that their findings (i.e., that playful people seem to be more able to readily access and use positive coping mechanisms) means that we should be doing more research on how to cultivate playfulness and how to help people unlearn maladaptive coping mechanisms like self-blame. so the point of the study was not to blame individuals or place the responsibility on individual people (“if you could just lighten up, you wouldn’t be so stressed / unhappy / bad at coping!”). it was more like, an attempt to establish that playfulness (as a way of engaging with the world) seems to be associated with all of these positive ways of coping and managing stress, and so we might want to research playfulness more deeply and/or focus on cultivating it in college students.

so i think you are absolutely right that when we talk about playfulness it’s important not to think of it as something that something people just “have” or don’t have (detached from any consideration of people’s backgrounds, lived experiences, etc.). and we also want to avoid pathologizing its absence (“if you don’t have a playful attitude then there’s something wrong/flawed/messed up about you that needs to be fixed”). my research is focused on understanding how we can better create learning environments like the one your singing teacher has created for you -- i.e., spaces where people feel more secure and less vulnerable to scathing or hypercritical judgment; where failures and mistakes are encouraged & normalized as a natural, healthy part of the learning experience; where instructors are modeling self-compassion and deliberately not using shame-based methods; and just in general, where students are getting the kind of gentle, compassionate, consistent messaging you describe receiving from your teacher. basically I’m interested in creating classrooms that provide the stability and consistency people need in order to learn adaptive coping mechanisms that will serve them well outside of those learning spaces.

i think these questions are so important because most college instructors are VERY aware that our students come into our classrooms carrying many different kinds of trauma—whether it’s the more extreme forms that we tend to think of when we think about trauma (childhood abuse, sexual assault, trauma experienced by combat veterans or refugees from warzones), or the forms of pervasive lowgrade trauma associated with financial precarity, racialized stress, etc., or even just the “lighter” or harder-to-classify forms of trauma that rachel naomi remen calls “the cultural shadow” (i.e., the toxic dominant culture that many of us grow up immersed in). and anyone who has taught at the college level (or taught any age level) knows that as a teacher you often have to at least temporarily play aspects of counselor / social worker / person adept at navigating university bureaucracy to help keep students in crisis from slipping through the cracks. (that is obviously NOT ideal, as those roles should be filled by trained professionals! but we have all been in those situations, where you are the first line of support for a student in crisis, or sometimes the last line of support because they have slipped through the giant holes in our country’s social safety nets.)

i think there’s been a shift in recent years towards “trauma-informed pedagogy,” but the slightly watered-down version of this approach many instructors receive tends to be very focused on mitigating harm in the classroom (ie, avoiding certain things or framing material in certain ways so as to avoid re-traumatizing students). this work is obviously HUGELY important (and my own research project is v much informed by it!). but i sometimes feel like these approaches are very damage-centered, ie very focused on understanding how students are “damaged” by their experiences and how we can “prevent further damage” in the classroom space. again, wanting to adopt teaching practices that avoid retraumatizing students is a good thing!!! but i think what i am hoping my work can do is suggest that we can and should strive for more than just limiting damage. to put this another way: i’m looking for ways to go beyond asking “how can we avoid re-traumatizing students in our classrooms?” to thinking more broadly about how we (as teachers, mentors, etc) can design learning environments and learning experiences that help students grow into healthier, happier, more emotionally resilient versions of themselves—and hopefully help build a foundation of social-emotional skills that they will take with them into their adult lives.

play is not the sole "answer” or solution! but i think that for me, it’s been one useful way to think about things like trauma-informed teaching, restorative practices, and social-emotional mentoring strategies, in ways that center a more positive, joyful understanding of what happy and emotionally well-adjusted adulthood can look/feel like. does that make sense?? i think about cultivating playfulness as just one angle onto answering these questions, or as one approach or set of strategies that people could have in their toolkits as they think about how we design learning environments. it won’t work for all students or all teachers or all learning environments, and it won’t solve all of the problems in higher ed (or in a culture where traumatic experiences are so prevalent and yet are so often left unacknowledged and untreated). but i think for me at least it’s been one generative way to reimagine some of the common structures and norms that structure higher ed learning environments.

anyway sorry to use your ask as a springboard into a long “thinking aloud” post!! but i really enjoyed reading your thoughts and i feel like it’s prompted me to articulate some thoughts that have just been sort of murkily floating around in my mind for the last couple weeks. i am also so glad for you that you have a space in your own life (and a trusted teacher figure) where you feel secure & can practice and explore being vulnerable, making mistakes, being silly/playful, etc. it sounds like she is a really wonderful teacher, and it’s so cool too that you are able to describe the ways in which that learning space has felt healing or healthy for you.

#long post #to think further #!!#playfulness project #play project #mw #teaching #mentoring #edit to add: i know that trauma-informed pedagogy is also thinking about these things & i don't mean to suggest that this is #the first time anyone has ever thought of this lol #but i think a lot of young instructors especially (or older instructors who don't do a deep dive into trauma-informed practices)#do tend to get that watered-down version that focuses more on damage and less on restorative / reparative practices

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elisaenglish · 3 years

Text

I Only Hold Convictions

There is no preface that quite reflects my conflict here. I am no lover of Ayn Rand, either literally or symbolically, and yet there are aspects of her that cannot – I’d even hazard must not – be discarded wholesale or, indeed, be denied. By her own admission in The Romantic Manifesto, she writes:

“The fact that one agrees or disagrees with an artist’s philosophy is irrelevant to an esthetic appraisal of his work qua art.”

It would also be somewhat naive to dismiss in its entirety Rand’s contribution to modern rational thought or the central tenets of Objectivism as it stands in relation to processes of logic and the pursuit of our own happiness. Flawed as her belief system is overall, there is – as with any text – worth in the exploration. Rand continues:

“One does not have to agree with an artist (nor even enjoy him) in order to evaluate his work. In essence, an objective evaluation requires that one identifies the artist’s theme, the abstract meaning of his work (exclusively by identifying the evidence contained in the work and allowing no other, outside considerations), then evaluate the means by which he conveys it— i.e., taking his theme as criterion, evaluate the purely esthetic elements of the work, the technical mastery (or lack of it) with which he projects (or fails to project) his view of life.”

When it comes to Rand, problematic is most often the “view” readers step away with. From her axiomatic starting point of “existence exists” through to the gravely cynical conclusion where selfishness is deemed high virtue, altruism despicable vice and capitalism the only sane socio-economic model, she adheres strictly – and indulgently – to categorical dichotomies; the black/white and either/or thinking characteristic of young minds yet to encounter the complexities of nuance. Technical weakness is almost by the by; the cumbersome surface of the prose insignificant when we consider the allegorical and anagogical deficits. Further distaste might also be attributed to the fact, especially with regard to Atlas Shrugged, that this is very much by the writer’s design.

But to close our eyes and wish away the horror? The text becomes no less potent in its ostracised state. Indeed, it could be argued that exclusionary approaches amplify meanings – often ones that were but an unsavoury blip before controversy sauntered in. And for us, too, we must beware. “An artist reveals his naked soul in his work,” Rand writes, “—and so do you, gentle reader, when you respond to it.”

Which, perhaps, goes some way towards explaining why I’m taking this discomforting trip through the literary wilderness, light years or so from my natural habitat. And political persuasions aside – and I would wholly endorse this when in pursuit of a truly critical reading – Rand deserves to be part of the current cultural conversation, not least of all because she does ignite the argument and all of its unresolved facets.

And I’m going to say it: Rand isn’t all bad. You have to study beyond a cursory glance and set aside the less palatable veins of pathological self-interest that pervade much of her oeuvre. However, to cast her in a soulless light would be an erroneous misrepresentation of a woman who also expressed that “love and art” are not merely a “special province” of our existence but, in every way, our “sense of life.”

So it is to love I turn, love that Rand defines as inextricably linked to character. As she explains in The Virtue of Selfishness:

“To love is to value. Only a rationally selfish man, a man of self-esteem, is capable of love—because he is the only man capable of holding firm, consistent, uncompromising, unbetrayed values. The man who does not value himself, cannot value anything or anyone.”

Not, then, love as “sacrifice” but more as noble desire – dignified and discerning. Five years earlier, in a 1959 interview with Mike Wallace, she says:

“Because when you are asked to love everybody indiscriminately. That is to love people without any standard. To love them regardless of whether they have any value or virtue, you are asked to love nobody.”

She describes an impetus to choose, to give affection based on mutual respect, a regard of self in relation to other:

“You love people, not for what you do for them, or what they do for you. You love them for their values, their virtues. You don't love causes. You don't love everybody... You love only those who deserve it. Man has free will. If a man wants love he should correct his flaws, and he may deserve it. But he cannot expect the unearned.”

I’m not here to posit that Rand is faultless in her appraisal of romantic love, but she offers something concrete, something – dare I say – honourable from yesterday to consider today. Not the blanket philosophy nor, in her own words, any “faith.” But a mature alternative that acknowledges not just how we devote ourselves to each other, but why.

As Rand offers in her 1964 Playboy interview:

“[Selfless love] would have to mean that you derive no personal pleasure or happiness from the company and the existence of the person you love, and that you are motivated only by self-sacrificial pity for that person’s need of you. I don’t have to point out to you that no one would be flattered by, nor would accept, a concept of that kind. Love is not self-sacrifice, but the most profound assertion of your own needs and values. It is for your own happiness that you need the person you love, and that is the greatest compliment, the greatest tribute you can pay to that person.”

And on that note, I must concede that Rand might be right – for love is not indifference. Nor is it, for me, simply a matter of material pleasure. If I return to Atlas Shrugged, there is resonance albeit in the brevity of places I had to work hard to find. But nonetheless, if intimacy “forces [a man] to stand naked in spirit,” I may also feel the same, relinquish myself to “the sum of [my] fundamental convictions.” Rand writes:

“[A man] will always be attracted to the woman who reflects his deepest vision of himself, the woman whose surrender permits him to experience... a sense of self-esteem. The man who is proudly certain of his own value, will want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires, the strongest, the hardest to conquer — because only the possession of a heroine will give him the sense of an achievement.”

Over sixty years since its publication, the rampant anti-feminism may be forgiven in part. But my point is not in the ideological line; it is to return to the truth of art, of life. Though it isn’t meant to work both ways, it does. The reading is mine, and I love – sometimes in the darkest of Rand’s “metaphysical” mirrors.

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