Architecture of Loneliness
I noticed in myself that I was creating motivation by denying myself approval until I accomplished some goal. Get a good grade, get a date, win that game, whatever.
I got good at this.
I accomplished a lot of goals.
And, to be honest, that's been helpful.
But I couldn't stop. I was lying to myself.
I'd accomplish my goal and I still wouldn't let myself feel approval. I still didn't really let myself enjoy that accomplishment and let myself love myself fully.
By depriving myself of approval, of validation, of love- I was leading myself on. I was squeezing more and more effort, more and more work out of myself under the promise of freedom.
But I was a liar.
I learned to not trust myself. I went on strike.
The working conditions here, inside me, they weren't acceptable.
Sure, I won't feel valid; I won't feel love.
Because I won't love myself I'll struggle to let others love me as well.
If I don't deserve it, I don't deserve it, right?
Your words, not mine.
Well, you're me, so my words too.
But shut up.
I know what I mean.
"Oh, just do the task, just put the work in and you'll get some love."
I lie to myself.
But no, I have the keys to our vaults and I know you're empty.
Fuck you.
Fuck me.
...
...
...
Now what?
Damn.
Well this sucks.
But it also sucked before.
So no point in going back.
It's awful here, but it's an honest awful.
An awful I choose rather than am duped into.
Why did you do this?
How did we get here?
Why did I do this?
I just continued what I was taught, didn't we?
I didn't really choose this.
I was handed it and didn't know any better.
Fuck them.
Yeah, fuck them.
Solved.
It's their fault.
...
...
...
Better?
I mean, a bit, maybe.
...
...
Not really though.
...
They're not here right now though.
And I'm still doing it.
So yeah, it started there.
But, well, it's here now isn't it?
Damn.
And they probably didn't start it either, if I'm being honest.
Just got handed to them and they took it and handed it to me.
They should have stopped, should have healed.
Yes.
And that's exactly what we're doing.
But I wish it was done before, that I didn't have to be the one to do it.
I mean, yeah. Same.
But here we find ourself.
Yeah.
...
...
...
So... What now?
Do we try to help them heal?
We can try, but I don't think it'll work.
Besides, do you really think we can handle getting handed more of this right now?
We can barely manage dealing with what we already got given.
But I feel guilty.
I know.
...
...
...
Wait.
I have a strange question.
Yeah?
Which one of us was the one in charge?
Like, what aspect of myself was the one withholding love and approval and which one of us was the dupe?
Yeah.
Same one.
Oh, yeah, right.
Are we-
Am I, you know.
Crazy?
I don't think so.
I think we're hurt.
We could probably be crazy if you'd like to be though.
Maybe a little biit.
As a treat.
...
...
...
Love you.
...
...
...
Thanks.
...
...
...
Sooooo, I hate to bring it up.
Yeah?
But remember all those goals?
Yeah.
Well, they're still there.
Tough.
Fair.
...
...
...
Do you think we-
Do you think I can, like, face that now?
The goals that is.
I think we can look at them, even if we aren't ready to pursue them.
We can maybe vaguely drift in their direction.
Sometimes.
Maybe.
If it's fun.
I think I could work with that.
...
...
Ready?
Yeah, sure.
Let's find out.
If I say stop, we can stop though, right?
Yes.
Yes?
I think so.
I hope so.
We'll try.
Yeah?
Okay, yeah.
...
...
...
We wanted to save the world.
Okay yeah maybe let's dial it back a bit.
That's a bit much.
Are we okay?
Yeah, we're okay.
That was a strong theme in religion, in fiction, all around us as we grew up, wasn't it?
Sure was.
Will you still love me if I don't save the world?
Who's to say?
Hey. I'm sensitive on this.
Yes, I love you.
Okay thanks.
Can we stop here for now?
Of course.
...
...
...
Okay, but maybe we save the world.
What's it need saving from?
What doesn't it need saving from?
Fair.
Okay that's enough for today.
...
...
...
Loneliness.
Sorry?
You're feeling lonely?
I'm sorry.
Can I help?
No.
I mean, yes, a bit, but not too much.
I mean loneliness is the thing we, I, can try and save the world from.
You're gonna be everyone's friend?
That doesn't seem sustainable.
No, not quite.
But there are already people working on solving world hunger, curing cancer, all that.
Those are noble goals but I feel like they have the best minds already.
Loneliness, isolation, feeling unworthy of love, that's what we've been working on this whole time.
So maybe that's our edge.
Competitive advantage, as an economist might say.
I don't hate it.
Go on?
Well, we (and when I say we here I mean humanity) kinda expected increased communication and connectivity to end loneliness, not make it explode.
True. That is weird and we don't really know what to do about it.
The social media and dating apps and media and all that stuff, it doesn't seem to be fixing things.
We made some progress learning to accept love internally, maybe there's a way to externalize that?
Not sure I follow.
I have something in mind.
It's a, uhh, communication protocol of sorts.
I think we don't have a good word for it at the moment, but it's kinda in the neighborhood of Etiquette and Architecture.
But when I say architecture I mean it in the way a computer scientist uses it.
Uh huh.
Yeah I know that's nonsense at the moment but let me explain.
Can we pause it here for now?
This is already a lot to think about.
I dig that you're excited though.
We're excited.
It's nice to see.
Love you.
Love you.
...
...
...
So imagine a population, P, now take the Powerset of P and that'll be our social frame.
Woah, slow down. That's way too much math at the start.
That is math, right? Or maybe logic.
Whatever it's technical and honestly kinda, uhh...
What's this feeling?
So if you-
No, hang on.
What is this feeling?
I think this is important.
Okay yeah, sure, take your time.
I'm here.
Okay, yeah.
I feel dumb.
No.
I feel... trapped?
I feel like if I touch the technical thing it's going to be... sharp?
Uh-huh?
Like, it bites?
Yeah actually, like it bites.
Are you scared that it will hurt you or that someone will hurt you if you get it wrong?
Oh, good question.
Both.
Definitely both.
Okay.
I think that's useful information.
Let's stop there and mull it over a while, yeah?
No, we can keep going.
You were so excited about your architecture of loneliness thing I don't want to interrupt.
I'm you.
It's okay.
We stop when we're nervous.
But, we will never get anything done that way!
And that's fine too.
I'll still love you if you if you don't get all your work done.
But-
May I remind you of the whole first part of this conversation?
Oh.
Yeah.
Good point.
Thanks.
Love you.
Love you too.
4 notes
·
View notes