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#so. IF i have covid. i might not even test positive right now since i've only felt this sickness in my chest for like 5 hours.

kaiannae · 5 months

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Life update (in lack of Starling update)

So, I think I would like to avoid another "going dark" episode like the one from the last two-three months. That one was because of war, and war is still very much present, but at the moment, my lack of writing is mostly due to other matters. CW Cat Medical Stuff: I have a cat. My mother is his human, but I take care of him and I love him very much. Unfortunately, he started feeling unwell two weeks ago on monday morning. He hid all sunday night, he wouldn't eat all day, he was not moving from his hidey hole, I was worried. I called the vet monday evening after confirming he was feeling worse and worse, and was instructed to give first aid painkillers and bring him the next morning. Since then, its been an ordeal of unclear diagnosis. Obvious infection without a source. My vet is very professional, but even after hospitalizing him for close care, going through multiple in-depth tests and giving him broad antibiotics, he wouldn't eat, while the tests were showing nothing but a sourceeless infection. Eventually I was sent with him to a vet hospital to do a specialized ultrasound. That too showed inconclusive results but there were enough findings to make my vet press for an abdominal operation. Its very lucky that they did, and very lucky that they insisted on doing it that same eveing. Turns out the poor thing had a gall bladder infection, which did not show in blood tests or ultrasound, and somewhere in the few hours between the last ultrasound and the operation the gall ate a hole in his stomach and it was leaking into his abdoman. The operation saved him in the nick of time, though it was touch and go for a couple of days. It is now the third day of him being back at home, he has a feeding tube and has to be tube fed 6 times a day. He also gets 9 types of meds, some of which need to be taken with food, some away from food, so I am his home nurse for the next two weeks at least, that assuming he'll keep improving. END CW Cat Medical Stuff. And as if to add insult to injury, I've been feeling ill since the begining of this week, and after testing negative at first, I am now positive for COVID and feeling it heavily. In fact, my mother now has COVID too and she needs care as well. So to summarise, I hardly have time to sleep, so investing myself in the angsty Bren and Fairy PoV enough to write is not really working right now. I must focus on taking care of parent and cat, and though I don't know how much the vet bill is yet (still pending on that) I do know its going to be in the several thousands, so I must focus on that as well. (Sadly, if you don't have pet insurance, any intensive care or test costs a fortune here.) So, please stay tuned as I try to restore some order to my life and calm things down a bit. The wizards are still very much on my mind, in fact, they are one of the things keeping me sane at the moment. If you like my writing and would like to tip me on Ko-fi, there's a link in the header of my page, or you can just search Kaiannae. (sadly I hardly uderstand Kofi, but I know the page works. I intended to make an actual content page there but never got the time with everything that's happened in the last few months.) It would all go towards bills and would be very much appreciated. Also, if you'd like to see or have an idea for a short oneshot you always wanted to see with the wizards, Starling AU or just Shadowgast, feel free to toss them in my direction. I might not be able to invest myself in my main writing right now, but I might be able to do a short thing as I wait for feeding times to post seperately for ya'll, especially night feeding times... Again, I apologize for the wait. Please stay tuned.

#starling #fanfic #critical role #shadowgast #writing #status #life #real life

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one-abuse-survivor · 1 year

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Hi! Dissociation anon here, with a lil positive update after quite the few months:D How have you been? I hope you are doing well:>

So, I officially spend like 90% of my time 3,5 hours away from my abusers and their dysfunction while I get that education!! Med school is all nine circles of hell, btw, but in the times in which I am not sleep deprived beyond belief after having to prepare for three big tests and write five projects in three days, I am enjoying myself quite a bit! Also formaldehyde stinks like a bitch and cadavers look much grayer than you might think, but that's besides the point.

Honestly the first few months after leaving were HARD, but then again, I am the idiot who decided to unpack their own trauma without a professional therapist and with a tiny support system as soon as I could. Though to be honest, as grueling as the trauma work was, it definitely was worth it, as now, seven months in, I have much less prominent issues and am generally a thousand percent mentally healthier than I used to be. Still dissociate occasionally, though, because I guess some things never change lmao

But I've made quite a few new friends in med school and honestly that helps a lot to deal with any bad days that come with traumatic memories resurfacing, so that's neat!)

Bad thing is - the drama in the dysfunctional family system has gotten a lot worse since I left. Good thing - due to my physical absence I don't need to deal with it:D It's because of the economic crisis the country is in, you know, but I needn't worry!! There is never enough doctors, so even the newbies get snatched as early as possible (I kid you not, I literally had a "You wanna work for us when you finish med school?" Offer when I went to a clinic for a routine check up two weeks ago, and I have five more years of studying left) So, despite the general nation-wide spread of gloom, personally I'm feeling pretty good about the future, and that's definitely a first!

So like, let this be testament to anyone out there struggling to the fact that getting out of an abusive situation is completely possible, and life, in fact, can get better! So like, good luck to all of the other anons and good luck to you, as well!:D

Hi again!!!! It's so nice to hear from you, and I'm so so happy things are going well in med school! I have an irl friend who's also studying medicine in uni, so I have some idea of how nightmarish that can be 😅 I'm really glad you're enjoying yourself in between all of it despite the stress!

I can't even begin to imagine how awful it must be to unpack your trauma without professional support! The first months after I left my mother were also horrible even with help, but luckily everything started changing for the better soon afterwards. I'm so glad you're doing so much better now, and I hope things keep changing for the better for you! It's so so great to hear you've made friends and don't have to deal with your family drama anymore and the future is looking good 😊

I second this message: life can absolutely be better after abuse, even if you can't bring yourself to believe or envision that right now.

Also, thanks for asking! I'm doing well, just now recovering from Covid and trying to get back on my feet, but other than that things are looking better for me too ❤️ sending a big virtual hug!

#dissociation anon #Ask #Abuse #Abuse recovery #Abusive parents #Abuse tw #Recovery #Corpse mention #Covid mention

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surrexi · 2 years

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hey hi so for a couple weeks in july i was house/dog-sitting for my parents and then i stayed with them through the last week after they got back because the 28th was my birthday and like, why spend it alone. and then i went home on the 31st.

then the night of the 1st my mom calls me and goes "hey will you still love me if i tell you that i tested positive for covid today" and i was livid bc i have protected my delicate asthmatic lungs for the whole-ass panini and now my own mother exposes me?!

so the morning of the 2nd i tested negative but then the asthma flare-up i was already having before my parents got home started getting even worse and i was losing sleep from all the coughing (i have cough-variant asthma which means my asthma attacks involve hella bad coughing that is unstoppable) and on the 4th i tested positive for covid.

*stares directly into the camera like i'm on the office*

anyway my dad (who is somehow still covid negative) came and picked me up in college station bc my parents didn't want me making the 2.5-3-hour drive to san antonio when i could have a coughing fit at any moment and that would be bad while going 80 mph down the highway, and on friday (the 4th) i saw a nurse practitioner at my doctor's office and she listened to my wheezing and ordered a chest x-ray and was like "why hadn't you already come here over the asthma flare up you weirdo" and prescribed me paxlovid and a steroid pack and a daily inhaler to use to hopefully reduce my dependence on my rescue inhaler.

the steroid pack does a great job of shocking your lungs into behaving themselves almost right away because you get six pills the first day and you can take them all at once, so my coughing went down real quick after that. then the paxlovid started having a noticeable effect on the rest of my symptoms after the first two doses (you take two doses of three pills each twice a day for five days).

judging from how my symptoms differed from my mom's, i think if i hadn't already been in the middle of an asthma flare i might have only really experienced the covid as my asthma getting a bit worse? but since my lungs were already riding the struggle bus i was more affected.

anyway mom and i are both doing much better, though my parents keep telling me i look really pale and pushing a pulse oximeter at me, lol. (the lowest i've seen my oxygen was when mom made me measure it right after a bad coughing fit, and it was at 88 for a few seconds before jumping back into the 90s.) today (saturday) i spend most of the day sleeping, with my dog next to me keeping watch like the sweet baby she is.

we're lucky that we were all vaxxed and boosted (my parents have even already had their second booster, though i'm still only at one), and lucky that our family doctor('s office) was willing and able to see us quickly, recognize that we qualify for paxlovid (mom bc of age+risk factors, me bc of my asthma+other risk factors), and get it prescribed. now we turn to hoping that neither of us end up with long covid *crosses fingers*.

anyway, this panini is still fucking happening, you should still be being careful, if not for you, then for the friends and family you're in close contact with who could be more vulnerable than you.

#tw covid #tldr: my mom gave me covid but we're both recovering #covid #asthma #health #this has been a post #also yes my doctor is in san antonio even though i currently live 2.5ish hours away #i started seeing her when i actually lived in san antonio and she is A-MAZE-ING i would not give her up for anything #my parents go to her now because i love her so much lol #i also still go to my san antonio dentist

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avauntus · 1 year

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what it's like to catch the plague, late 2022 edition.

After nearly 2 1/2 years of avoiding it, COVID caught up with me. It's been a while since I've seen a post like this, but I wanted to share what it was like for me (as a single person, living alone), what helped, and what I'd stock in advance if I'd known that would help even more.

Some say this is "milder COVID," and I mean...compared to something that puts you in the hospital, I guess so? Still, I've been flat on my back for four days, and I'm going to go take a nap after finishing this post so-- if you're feeling like it's a LOT, or want to avoid it, you are 100% valid. This is NOT an easy sickness. The only thing I've gone through that has made me weaker was surgery, and that took over a month to recover from.

I also know 100% how I got this: My father's living facility is having a COVID outbreak, and when he tested positive last Saturday, he was already on a watch to maybe go in for emergency monitoring for heart issues and diabetic-related infection issues-- the triage nurse recommended taking him in to be examined because that was just-- a lot of complication, all-together. The only way he was going to get there was if I drove him, and he's not great about mask-wearing at the best of times (he did try- until he forgot).

So- good news for you, potential COVID avoider? I basically ignored a lot of exposure guidelines and got myself infected. It's still possible to be cautious and be reasonably safe, I think.

On to COVID itself-- I had no symptoms on the first day post-exposure, light fatigue and a cough on the second (I made dinner and made it out to a grocery pickup [contactless with me double-masked]), and by the third day I was having trouble standing.

A trick I learned from an earlier COVID-solo essay that worked for me: If you can get part of the way up, you can "walk" yourself upright using your hands and a wall. Then just-- try to get wherever you're going quickly, you know?

Some other useful things I was glad to have on hand:

Broth - I didn't want to eat anything, and when I tried a cookie anyway, I got tired of chewing halfway through. Drinkable stuff was key.

Juice

Canned drinks - convenient sizes, and a hit of caffeine from the soda when I started getting a headache from not drinking any coffee or tea that I was too tired to brew

granola bars or breakfast cookies (or protein bars might have been even better) - if I only get a few bites of something, might as well make it count

chapstick

cough syrup (!!)

tissues (!!)

a way to have the phone nearby, and a way to set it up so only key contacts can reach you when you're sleeping (pretty much: always)

dumb TV (I watched this and this)

A family member and a friend from work both checked in with me this week and asked how I was doing and if I needed anything from the store / a meal -- something I really felt touched by-- if you have a friend in your life with COVID right now, especially if they live alone or are usually the "household doer" - I'd really suggest checking with them, and it's an easy thing to drop off a carton of soup or a half-gallon of milk on a doorstep. Your COVID friend is so, so tired, and will so appreciate it.

I don't want to linger on this, but I also had reactions when I shared I'd caught COVID that were along the lines of: at least it's the milder version! or good luck, hope it is asymptomatic for you! (what?)-- and I just mention it because if you're getting that kind of reaction too-- don't let it get to you. This IS ROUGH; and you are 100% valid to feel crumby, sad, to rest and take care of yourself.

I read I was supposed to try to isolate my cat, which worked for about 30 seconds, until I fell asleep the first time, and then how am I supposed to say no to this?:

Up until last week, the US government (and state programs, mostly, too) have been shutting down. Now the White House has briefly opened a window to get more rapid tests-- so you can tell if what you have is COVID or the worst flu you've ever encountered, haha. 🙃 In any case, if you're in the US, sign up for your four free additional tests I guess!

I hope this helps somebody else out there-- stay safe everybody, and I hope you can let yourself rest if you catch this!

#covid #covid isn't over #about me #🤧

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violentivy · 1 year

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Survivors guilt

My family had a bit of a rough year as far as the holidays. I mean, my family of origin.

See, my brother caught Covid and tested positive on Dec 23rd. My Mom tested positive yesterday, (Merry Christmas I guess.)

My brother was all over his socials talking about how he felt bad for anyone who couldn't spend time with their families this holiday, and that he understood how hard it was.

The gesture felt empty. I hated that he suddenly had ALL THE SUPPORT IN THE WORLD for people separated from their families the moment he can't see his kids for ONE holiday.

I get that he's autistic and empathy might be a bit of a stretch for him, but I TOO am autistic, and I have spent my life being overly empathetic to make up for my siblings complete and utter disregard for anyone but themselves. It's kinda funny, I mean, funny isn't really the world but I lack the right one. I've been unable to spend Christmas with all of my children for 9 fucking years. If you think about that in time lost, the memories I will never be able to make with my kids, how I am grateful to get to kind of be there through a twitter thread now.

When I was their full time parent, I made sure that all of them knew I would never abandon them. From the moment I first held them in my arms. Then to have them ripped away because "You can't read social queues." feels awful. I too, am autistic, and I just wish I had a chance to have a "normal", real family.

I never saw one meme, one expression of care or concern, nothing before yesterday.

As a matter of fact, the first holiday after the kids were taken, I went to my Mother's house she called my terrible mood her fault in an effort to try to guilt me into feeling better. Maybe that worked when I was a kid IDK. It doesn't work now.

I stopped going to her house for Easter after that. I usually spend the day home by myself.

I understand in a very real way that I am on my own. My family is just some people I'm related to and I've never belonged with them. I keep them, just as I keep all acquaintances, at an arm's length. I do not even permit my sister to message me. I do this for my survival.

Just as I spent yesterday. I sat at home for 18 hours just playing video games all day and it was glorious. I didn't have to share the controller, I didn't have to get off of my computer to help someone, or make a huge meal. I didn't cry too much.

My upbringing was pretty terrible. I understand my parents were doing the best they could, but their best was fucking awful. I've found since I've started reparenting myself, and encouraging myself to take off my mask more and more, I feel better.

When my boss "corrects" my behaviors, he says he wishes someone had done the same for him. I just want to shout at him "wait, because you're neurodivergent and lack the social queues?"

See, I lack the social queues, too, but believe it or not, I feel pretty ok in my being terrible at it.

Nothing in my life currently follows convention.

My husband and I had had our holiday on the 21st with his kids, and I expect to visit my daughter and granddaughter on the 28th. He worked a 12 hour shift yesterday during which he made more money in a day than I make in a pay period. That's all true. However, my husband also does a lot of the household work as well. I'm glad because I lack the spoons to do so, as well as just the ability, but he can't see mess.

So, I point out things and he deals with them. It's hard to call oneself interdependent when your partner does so much. It feels like leaning but then I have to remind myself that I am the one who sees the things and points them out, so that he can do whatever needs to be done.

And I'm not like, completely helpless either. I'm disabled. That's ok. 40 hour work week takes all the spoons I have and then some.

I am able to cook sometimes. I can sometimes remember to do a whole load of laundry. Sometimes, I even remember I could be folding the laundry while I have a streamer on the television to essentially body double with me. I try not to get annoyed at how many times a day I trip over shit and fall.

On the 21st I was running down the hallway, caught a shoe, tripped and fell hard enough that I slid when I fell. I still have carpet burn on my knees.

I brushed it off, but I just wanted to sit, cry and feel sorry for myself. But my mother taught me that you can't do that in front of your kids. They need to see you as untouchable and unphasable.

That ISN'T correct, but since also poorly regulate, it's been necessary for my survival. I try not to wail. I feel a wail in my throat often.

Because that's GRIEF that is trapped inside, and I feel like I always carry it. It also feels as though no one really gets it. Like I am some delusional woman who believes she used to have children, but doesn't in reality.

Except the one that does constantly stay in contact, who pretty much gets a hold of me daily asking for some money, or some form of heavy emotional labor. An emotional labor I HAVE to do because I parented her poorly, because I too was a child when I had her.

But I have to do it before her brain fully solidifies. She needs to understand she isn't a bad kid. She's always been so good, but she also has always been under her father's thumb, and that nothing was ever going to be good enough for him.

Me? I'm pretty easy to please. Just let me to my own devices and reach out when you need advice. I'm just, automatically proud. You all were little wobbly pieces of sentient meat who turned into less wobbly pieces of sentient meat. And those meatsuits you currently wear are capable of amazing things like making music, or creating art.

In my head, I laugh and say "I made that meatsuit.". The fact is, I did. But ya'll gave it life.

And THAT is why I'm proud of you. You gave yourselves lives and dared to dream bigger than I could muster as a heavily emotionally abused little girl.

I'm still that girl, yes, still the same meat mech I've always had, but through your lofty dreams, I'm able to see beyond the faulty programing, and the crappy connective tissues that just don't stay in place the way they should.

However, it is also terrifying because as you dream big, I realize I have to help create a steady foundation for you to jump off of into your adult lives. And as a kid when I asked for that kind of foundation my parents told me I was being resource intensive. They told me I asked for too much and being self made was better than being just... Made.

It's called GENERATIONAL wealth for a reason. You're supposed to spread it. You're supposed to share it.

As if by some miracle my other 2 sons find this blog post, I'm sorry. I know you think I'm evil. You can think that if you'd like. You'll make your own conclusions someday. I love and accept you no matter what. My littlest one, I want you to know that you associate food with me. That's why you over eat. I was trying this new method with you were I fed you every meal so that you'd have a healthy association with food. The thing is, we didn't get through that entire program.

And my middlest one, you have my heart. As much as you all look, think and act like me, you may be the one who does that the most. Keep being your weird self. Keep asking those macabre questions and keep making it uncomfortable for everyone. Someday, someone is going to try to stop you from asking uncomfortable questions and revealing uncomfortable truths.

Don't. Don't stop ever. You're right to question. This world ain't gonna fix itself and in order to make it better for everyone, we gotta ask those questions.

I stopped because someone beat me repeatedly for it.

And for my other 2, who likely won't see this post. I am so, incredibly proud of you. You are living your dreams and even if it makes me nervous, understand that I am still proud. I am just fighting a lot of internal programming.

We'll all be together someday. Until then, I'll keep playing video games on holidays by myself and dream of spring, where you all would run around your grandparents back yard and hunt for eggs while the rest of the family enjoyed the warm of the springtime sun.

#christmas feels #holiday #sad holidays #actually neurodivergent #actually autistic #actually dyspraxic

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irritatednick · 3 months

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A New Stretch Mark?! Facing My Own Internalized Fatphobia

As fat positive as I try to be, I had a moment at the doctor recently that really threw me. A few months ago I noticed two pink streaks under my belly fold. I had a thought they might be striae (stretch marks) because it felt like there was a slight indentation when I poked at them, but it seemed like the pink color disappeared when I touched it, so I thought maybe it was new spider veins (I've had some on my calf since I was 22). That had to be it; they couldn't possibly be striae. Sure, in recent years I gained back so much of the fat I lost and an additional 50 pounds, but my weight has been stable for at least 2 years. The last new striae I can remember noticing I got when I was 13 years old. I'm 32 now. And besides, a big insecurity I have about my fat is how, well... floppy it is now. You have to have taught skin to get new striae, right? Surely.

My belly pouch has become more pronounced in recent years not just because I grew, but because my fat around my inguinal region has shrunk to the point that I can feel my iliac spines for the first time in my life. Between that and my skin and fat loosening over the years, I now have a deep fold there, and in the last two years it's started to get sweaty and my skin rubs together more. 2 months ago I noticed friction irritation there after going on an errand all layered up for the cold weather. I went to the bathroom and I felt some irritation so I checked on these sores. The streaks seemed to darken in color, especially one spot. I poked it. Hard. As I did, I was in a lot of pain and it seemed as if I was digging into my flesh and widening a gap under my skin in real time. And the purple color was spreading too. What had I done? What was going on with me? Intertrigo? Bacterial infection? The pain made it hard to sleep that night. I got a dermatologist appointment but it was going to be over 5 weeks away. I went to urgent care and a PA said it looked bacterial and gave me an antibiotic. The pain would soon subside but it was still painful when I touched it. After the course of antibiotic, the dark spot and the gap that I thought I had made was still there. I called the urgent care clinic and they gave me another antibiotic for 10 days. Afterward, it was the same.

Two weeks ago came the day of the dermatologist, and I was so nervous. One, because I've been cold sensitive for the last couple years to the point of having permanent numbness in my fingertips and stinging pain in my legs, so I lament going outside in the winter; two, because COVID finally got to my family for the first time and I didn't even know if I'd make it (I tested negative that morning); and three, because I had no idea what this sore was or if I made it worse. I made the drive, and I told my doctor the story and he looked at it briefly and he quickly said:

"They're striae - it's a stretch mark."

I was dumbfounded. How could this be?? With my loose skin? No weight gain the last couple years? He said it can happen and it's a very common area. What proceeds is my speculation: it seems that my skin (which I already think is saggy and old) lost so too much elasticity and couldn't take the strain from my fat anymore, or my fat and skin have been so loose that it just kept tugging in my pants until it tore. And my doctor didn't give me a definitive answer on whether I made my stria permanently wider by digging into it with my finger. Seriously... digging my own stretch mark open? What a fat, emo moment if there ever was one.

I think a lot of people with new stretch marks are cute and beautiful and really cool. But I can hardly see this in myself. I didn't grow to get these new striae, at least not recently. I didn't gain intentionally, seeking to give myself pleasure. I gained 50 pounds past my highest weight 5 years ago when I was feeling stuck and panicked after finishing college, and since then it's just been... sitting here. My body just aged. No flashy transformation. In this time I've become fatter, and bonier, with more neuropathy. If I were taught and plump I could say my body was at least doing something. Instead I just feel all the more stagnant and detached from the world around me.

#fatphobia #body positivity #mental illness #body dysmorphia #fat #personal #medicine #body image #ageism #ableism #stretch marks

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la-lauren · 10 months

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The parents of the little girl I've been babysitting on the weekends just messaged asking if I have been sick or if I've been around anyone who's sick. I genuinely haven't, so I told them that. Other than my normal day to day ugh-ness, I haven't shown any signs of anything viral or bacterial myself.

I'm worried they might not want me back if they think I knowingly infected them with something though. I asked if they're sick, since I'm assuming that's why they asked. They haven't responded yet.

HOWEVER, I *do* know that covid is making the rounds in large numbers right now with increased hospitalizations, and since I was really only sick for 1-2 days when I had covid, it's possible I had it without knowing. I know it can present differently each time you have it, especially with the different strains. Testing isn't easily (read: freely) available anymore though, so I don't have the means to even check myself. I'd imagine I might not even test positive though if I last saw them almost a full week ago.

I really don't want to lose that occasional income source, so I hope they're able to trace it back to somewhere that isn't me. I also hope I don't end up sick.

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timeoverload · 1 year

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So far this week has been absolutely miserable and if I don't bitch about it I think I might have an episode. We are still short so many people and I'm going to be mostly by myself every morning until at least the 10th so I have a lot more responsibilities than I normally do and I'm not really equipped to deal with it right now. My immune system has taken a shit the past few months and I'm sick AGAIN. I think it's funny how I have 2 spleens and neither of them are doing a very good job. I've taken several covid tests but they have all been negative. I'm going to test again in the morning because someone I work with has it and I still feel really shitty and it feels like I have fluid in my lungs. I don't have a fever but my bones hurt and I keep getting hot flashes. I suppose the air quality isn't the best in the house so that doesn't really help. I really don't want covid again either because it's horrible and I don't want to let anyone down right now. I also need to get my steroid injection on Friday and I'm super stressed about being too sick to do it so I hope I start feeling better soon. I've been trying to take care of myself the best I can. I'm also really nervous about having a needle in my spine. I guess I've developed a phobia of medical procedures ever since I was in the hospital for sepsis almost 2 years ago and I've had to have a lot of painful tests done since then. I'm hoping I have a better experience this time even though it sounds like it's going to be uncomfortable. Today was such a mess and it felt like everything went wrong and so many things had to be redone because of stupid shit. I also fucked up when I tried to go in the operating room while they were setting up to grab some forceps out of the closet and my jacket touched the tip of the drape so I contaminated the whole table and the tech got mad at me and I don't blame her. Luckily there wasn't a patient in there yet so they had time to deal with it but I felt really bad about it. That's the first time I've ever done that so I'm embarrassed and I should have been more careful. I can be sort of a perfectionist and I really hate making mistakes so that threw off my whole day. Not long after that happened, I got yelled at by the evening lead because he was stressed out by everything going on. I really hate getting yelled at. I don't think he intended to direct his anger at me because he's generally a super nice guy but it felt that way. I didn't do anything to deserve that. I've known him a long time and I never had a problem with him but lately I've become more afraid of him and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells more. I think things are starting to get to him too and I'm afraid he's going to snap so I'm trying to help him as much as I can. I also feel guilty trying to leave when my shift is over now and it feels like everyone just expects me to stay as long as I physically can even though they are aware of the issues I'm having. I don't expect anyone to cater to me and I feel like I'm being annoying if I say anything about it but it would be nice to get a little empathy once in a while. I try not to talk about it unless someone mentions it. I'm also getting tired of people I don't even know asking me what's wrong with me. I stayed an hour late today and everyone was still grumpy when I left. It's really shitty when I have to do pans for 20 or 30+ cases a day by myself and then I'm expected to do more heavy lifting after that. I wish I could just worry about my own stuff and not try to do everything all the time because it's going to kill me. That's what I was trying to get away from when I switched to my current position. I don't mind helping out but sometimes I feel like I'm getting taken advantage of. I feel like I can't make anyone happy lately and I'm doing my best even though I can't meet my own needs. I'm so tired but I'm too stressed to sleep right now and I can't stop coughing. I hope my test is negative in the morning and that tomorrow is a better day. I can't wait to get out of this situation because it really sucks.

#vent

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mywheelieweirdlife · 2 years

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So I have been terrified of needles most of my life.

To the point where my biggest fear with transitioning was the number of blood tests and shots, hence starting with gel.

Well since getting covid in August, I have had really shit lung capacity and my brain and memory is shit. My stutter is also so much worse and I'm constantly slurring my words to the point we occasionally question if I may have actually had a stroke sometimes... but that's not actually the point of this post even tho it does add to it.

I'm about to start shots. Because my memory after having covid is so bad that I can never remember if I've taken my testosterone via gel, that every few months I now get to have one of my partners hold me while I have a mild panic attack about a needle being stabbed in my ass for a few minutes so that I can actually continue to transition.

My brain capacity no longer really exists, I'm moving in about 9-12 weeks to somewhere more accessible and manageable for me where I will have an office space and more time and energy to write my book on accessibility and sex (which has ended up becoming more of a sex education book for at least the first few chapters because when asking non-disabled friends their thoughts to see where peoples brains went I realised that abled bodied people don't know or understand basic anatomy or the brain and I realised that I was putting too much faith in public education); as well as starting to work on new health routines to try and improve some things that I might be able to fix.

But seeing covid not taken seriously again as I'm here fighting for the hope of functioning or the ability to tell my partners that I love them and why without stuttering or being so unable to get the words out I end up crying in frustration and giving up and just eventually texting it after looking up different ways of saying what I kinda want to say and using that to get the wording that works... not even the wording I want because that's usually too much, just what works.

And my words being so frustrating they bring me to tears isn't new... but that used to be stutter frustration and usually it was just one or two words that I couldn't get.

This is genuinely feeling similar to when I was freshly dealing with amnesia in 2018 and I couldn't remember things at all and there were just blank spots. But instead of being my memories, it's my everything.

And it's so fucking hard.

Covid isn't a curse that I would wish on anyone because for me it was like a flu where I just felt like something was more wrong than normal and then afterwards my body kept going and suddenly everything was burnt to the ground.

My language skills, my ability to understand words, to speak, to write efficiently (I know I can still kinda manage on my good days like today but these are rare af and I'm only here today because my partner has put a lot of effort in to help me the last few weeks) and to do my basic levels of work and care.

And it hit like a month later.

I thought it was a flare but then the flare didn't go away and I was trying to work it out and a friend very lovingly pointed out I've been like this ever since then seizure that hospitalised me after I'd had covid.

I'm a performer and artist; losing my voice is my biggest fear and I'm living it. I'm also constantly confronted with my other fears because of this.

Extra needles because I can't take meds normally anymore, heights because I constantly need to be picked up and the people in my life who can lift me are all (roughly) 6ft giants and I'm 5'ft (ish) and really don't like loss of control, and being seen and being naked in a vulnerable position… well guess who's had to accept help showering and has had to actually let someone see what it looks like for me to navigate my room without legs because I was paralysed and they were on a video call and couldn't help me right at that moment and I really really just wanted to feel a tad more human.

I genuinely would only wish this on one person I've ever known and that is the same person I would light on fire if the purge was real. And even then I feel it would be extreme even for my sense of justice.

Basically; the pandemic isn't over, wash your hands, wear your masks, social distance and get vaccinated if you can. Stay home if you're sick and don't be an ass to people who are trying their best to also not get sick.

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irawhiti · 2 years

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hi happy waitangi day!

if you're white and ESPECIALLY if you're a pākehā aotearoa new zealander feeling guilty about colonising my people and running my family out of the country we're indigenous to, i'm accepting donations <3

i'm currently living with a family of racist white people because it was either that or become homeless, i have no license so i'm dependent on them to take me places which they haven't been great about and there's literally no public transport where i am. i had about $800 stolen from me literally on christmas day and owe money to my sister so i could pay rent over that time, but most importantly right now my laptop has been shutting off at random for weeks now and it took 20 minutes just to get it to start up a few days ago. it's shut off at least 5 times while i've been writing this. it's already been on its last legs for awhile now and i'm getting real nervous because if i lose access to a computer i'll get cut off of my only source of income since it becomes a Lot more difficult for me to apply for jobs and keep in contact with my job network to stay on centrelink money + i won't be able to apply for work-at-home jobs. i only make $300 a fortnight from centrelink because they're STILL keeping me on dependent allowance which i'm sorting out and $200 of that goes to rent alone, so even if i don't get cut off i Really cannot afford a laptop right now.

also i got the flu over christmas (potentially covid, there was a positive case in the house at the same time, but who fucking knows lol, these people refuse to take me to covid tests until after i'm already recovering) and now i have bronchitis (i had to buy 6 rapid covid test that got brought up by my sister for $70 and split 3 with her, the people i live with refused to take me to get a pcr test despite me coughing up blood at one point 🙃). i've got asthma and several disablities that mess with my breathing so i really cannot catch a break here, i've been waking up in the middle of the night unable to breathe so needless to say i've been kind of struggling with getting all my legal stuff sorted while this has been happening.

so like, if you wanna help out a disabled māori living in australia for waitangi day, any money helps! i really need a couple hundred dollars for a decent enough laptop to stay afloat and keep drawing (meaning i can't just buy a shitty $50 laptop unfortunately, it has to be decent enough for me to draw and take commissions so i'm looking at over $500 aud for a laptop with good enough graphics, i can pay for some of it but i can't afford that shit on my own :/). i'll update the post if i get donations and any extra money i might get will go towards buying medication and getting more of my teeth fixed, they're hurting like hell again and it's hard to eat and i'd like to get more work done but right now i've gotta choose between being able to get government money and spending money to be able to eat without pain lol

(also i have to use my friend's paypal because paypal screwed me over a few years ago, if you could leave a message to make it clear it's for me so we can keep track easier it'd help a lot <3 thank you)

paypal.me/hoodypet

$0/$500

#indigenous #maori #pasifika #signal boost #donations #donation #mutual aid #waitangi day #crowdfunding #new zealand #aotearoa

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differentkettleoffishalltogether · 4 years

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I’m On Fire [Chapter 2]

With her sister’s wedding fast approaching and her Mom hounding her about finding a date, Y/N makes a terrible decision that lands her and her least favorite genius in a confusing situation.

Chapter Summary: Y/N and Spencer start to put a plan together.

A/N: I’ve got a head cold at the mo’ but I had to get a covid test just in case so I’m not allowed leave my room till I get the results! So enjoy a bonus chapter while I wallow on my own for like 36 hours :( On a positive note, thank you guys all so much for the response to chapter 1 I really didn’t see that coming! I’ve tagged everyone who asked, let me know if you wanna be added

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem Reader

Category: Fake Dating, Enemies to Lovers, (Eventual) Smut, Fluff, Angst, it’s a Slow Burn Baby

Warnings: Cursing, some NSFW language/themes

Word Count: 6.1k

Previous Chapter -- Next Chapter

Series Masterlist

Masterlist

"Are you coming up or what?"

The question was still ringing in my ears. It caught me completely off guard. 'Up' as in up to Spencer's apartment? Where he lived? I knew he lived somewhere in theory, just like I knew deep down that he wasn't made in a test tube.

Without noticing I've undone my seatbelt and I'm hopping out of the car, following him around to the front door. I guess I am coming up.

Spencer's apartment is more cosy than I thought it was going to be. It's warm and lived in. It's not big, but I think that might be what makes it homely. Something about the way he behaves had me thinking it would be fully decked out in stainless steel or glass or something. But it wasn't pristine, it was messy.

There were books bursting from the shelves that lined the walls of the apartment, along with books laid open over nearly every surface in the place, it looked like he was in the middle of reading all of them, and honestly, I didn't doubt it. Maybe I'd misjudged him. He even had some photos of what looked like his family, and maybe friends, even some of the BAU, lining his walls or propped up on his mantle. He had little trinkets and souvenirs on his shelves too, evidence that he'd been around the country for reasons other than a case. I would never admit it to him but there was a real charm to the place.

Once we got inside he took off his bag and suit jacket, tossing them on the desk just inside of the door. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do, and he seemed to pick up on my awkward energy.

"You can make yourself at home" he said, his confident streak remaining. I had no idea what to do with that. What would even make me comfortable in Spencer Reid's apartment? I took a seat on his sofa and just sat with my hands resting in my lap. Really not even sure where I should look without feeling like I was invading his privacy. Even though I wanted to. I think it was morbid curiosity, looking for clues on who this man might actually be outside of the BAU. What I really wanted to do was stand up and walk around, soaking in every bit if this place as if it would help me decipher our messy relationship.

He returned to the living room a few moments later, two mismatched mugs in his hands. He places one in front of me on the coffee table. I pick it up and take a sip. It's lemon and ginger, how did he know what kind of tea I liked? I held the mug in my hands inhaling the steam in an effort to relax. When I look up he's watching me, arms folded across his chest.

"So, how does this thing work. What's the game plan?" I honestly have no real idea. This evening really got away from me, I was still expecting to snap out of it and wake up in my bed at any moment.

"Well I can't say I've ever been in a Sandra Bullock movie before either so this is uncharted territory for me too" I say with a chuckle, trying to ease the tension. Even a little. I can see him crack a small smile but hides it almost instantly, his face hardening again.

"My sister, Margot, she's getting married in like 4 months." I can feel myself tense and I shake out my shoulders, I have to remind myself that he's agreed to this already, "Fuck it, I'm just going to be honest with you. My Mom's mostly freaked out that I'm too attached to this job and that I'll just never find someone again." I shouldn't have said again, fuck. I hope he didn't pick up on that. Who am I kidding. "Even though, I'm not sure I care if I do or don't?" he doesn't say anything, like he's waiting for me to continue. I know I've shared a little too much already but I keep going.

"Margot's 2 years younger than me, I introduced her to her fiancé Philip, we met in college, he's a sweetheart. But since they've gotten engaged Mom's gotten exponentially weirder. I think she's convinced I'm fully going to die alone, as if that would be the worst thing that could ever happen? Anyway, she's been trying to auction me off to all these guys, using this wedding as an excuse. I'm not sure how much of that phone call you actually heard earlier but Mom was trying to sell me on this guy, David, and I just… snapped." I look up at Spencer and he unfolds his arms, leaning in ever so slightly coaxing the story out of me.

"David, he uh, he worked for my father for a while back in high school, filing documents and stuff, busy work mostly. He used to make out with me when he was at our house after school, but then he'd ignore me in the halls the next morning. I know it's because I was a pariah back then or something but I didn't want to think about it today and I just got worked up. I shouldn't have let on that you were my date, I was just going to ask if I could bring Garcia or something, and I'm sorry." I cover my face in my hands, "I'm insane, you can back out if you want to."

I can hear him move from his spot on the opposite side of the sofa, he takes my wrists and gently pulls my hands from my face. He looks into my eyes, "I'm in this now Y/N, what do you need me to do?" he asks, and there's a genuine earnest in his voice that I think I've only ever heard a handful of times. And it's never been directed at me.

"Okay, well we've got a few months before you ha–, wait, fuck!" I throw my head back, there's already a complication, "shit" I curse under my breath. His eyebrows knit together, sitting upright.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I forgot about my Mom's 50th, it's next month. They've got this whole huge party planned back home in upstate New York. I've gotta go and they'll probably want to meet you, or they're gonna have a load of questions for me at least. I can try and get you out of it I'm sure"

He gets that cocky look again, he shakes his head "I don't know, I've always liked a bit of competition" he reclines back into his corner of the sofa, taking a satisfied sip from his own mug before speaking again. "You know, if I've got to learn enough to pass as your boyfriend in a month, surely that means you've got to learn enough to pass as my girlfriend within the month, no?"

Oh god. What have I done, why didn't I think this far ahead. "I mean, yeah I guess you're right." I had to remember he was doing me a favor. I had to get over myself. "Okay, if you're sure you're up for that?" I ask, and he nods, and I think he looks excited, or maybe he just finds the whole situation funny.

"If anyone's up for the competition it's you" he says, and I'm not sure if that's a compliment or a dig but I nod in agreement.

He takes another sip of his tea, collected and relaxed. I can't help but notice how at ease he is when he's in his own surroundings. I'm so used to seeing him sitting at a desk surrounded by paperwork, or combing through file after file in the make-shift office in a small-town police station, usually flustered or anxious, or antagonizing me whenever he wasn’t. This was a different Spencer. Completely in control, at ease.

"Alright, shall we get started then, we can't really afford to waste any time can we?" he was actually sort of right, so I nodded. It was only now occurring to me that I'd have to share parts of my personal life with him if I wanted this plan to work. We already knew the basics about each other, I'd read his file when I started at the BAU, I'd read everyones. And I feel like it was safe to presume he'd done the same.

His eyes bore directly into mine as he leaned forward, I think he was enjoying how uncomfortable I must've looked.

"How about I ask you some rapid-fire questions and you have to answer 'em?" he asks, and it's as good of a plan as any, and I can't think of any other suggestions, so I nod.

"Okay, shoot." I say, unsure and nervous, so I brace myself. I'm just grateful that he's making my life easier rather than harder for what feels like the first time since I met him.

I really should've known better.

He leans in, "So Y/N, first question, when did you lose your virginity?"

I almost choke on the mouthful of tea I just took, that can't be what he just asked, and he looks like he's savoring my shocked expression.

"I uh, I don't think you need to know that?" is all I can get out.

"Really? You think that's something your boyfriend wouldn't know about you?" he's right, but I didn't want to admit it outright.

"I feel like I sort of already hinted. It was that same guy David, I was 18, he was 19. We had sex on the couch while my parents went out one evening. I kept my bra on the whole time, he came, I didn't. It was all very standard stuff." I wasn't sure what compelled me to add that last part. I think I was giving in to the open honestly thing. "So what about you Doc?" I challenged.

He didn't seem embarrassed, or even shy. "I must've bloomed little later than you" he admits with a soft chuckle, "Vivian Stewart, I was 21, she was too. It was the last semester of my last PhD and I figured I must be missing out on something. And I sure was" he smirks to himself. "I came, she did too, 3 times. I did a lot of research ahead of time" he mirrored my story and I rolled my eyes. It was hard not to feel a little impressed but I tried with everything I had to stifle it so he couldn't tell. I wish it didn't make me feel something but it did. I gulp down the mouthful of tea that's been sitting in my throat.

I have to shake myself back to reality. I can't give him the satisfaction of throwing me. "My turn." I command, "When was your last relationship Dr. Reid?" I ask, "I mean like, serious one, not like hook-up" I clarify before he can ask. He thinks on it for a moment.

"I'm not sure what you classify as fully serious, but I guess it was this girl, Rebecca, we dated for a while when I first joined the BAU but it didn't work out. What about you?" he flips it back.

"So that was what, like 6-ish years ago?" I ask, he just nods.

"Mine was like 3 years ago now I think. I met this guy Nathan on my first week of college, we dated for like 4 years. He moved here for me when I got accepted by the BAU." I had to stop myself from delving into the detail. It was a long time ago now but it still hurt. "Long story short, the hours were demanding and they got in the way more than I would've liked. We ended up splitting a couple months after I got the job." I tried to play it off like it wasn't one of the more devastating things to happen in my life. But something told me he’d registered that, so he didn't push.

His energy picks up and he looks at me with a grin, but there's something a little sinister behind it. "I've got a more fun question for you." he leans in closer to me, "Y/N, when was the last time you got laid?" I just looked at him in shock.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me, I can go first if you really need me to?" his voice didn't waver,

"Fuck you Reid, I know when it was!" I snapped back at him. I did have to think back a little farther than I'd like to pull up the memory.

"Met this guy in a bar when I was out with Pen one night, we went back to his place and hooked up." I say as deadpan as I can make it.

"Well that's not very exciting is it?" he jokes, "Did you at least cum that time?" I know he's just trying to rile me up, but I answer anyway.

"As a matter of fact I did" I earn back a little of my confidence.

"I'm so happy for you, but you did manage to avoid my initial question" fuck "when was this exciting night of yours Y/N?" he probes, like I really, really wished he wouldn't. I could lie, but I'm sure he'd be able to tell. I cringe before I can say it.

"About 8 months ago" I mutter, just low enough for him to hear.

"Sorry, did you just say 8 months ago?" He nearly shouts in disbelief, he seems to find it funny.

"Hey fuck you Spencer!" I go on the defensive, "When was the last time you even got laid?"

"Like two and half weeks ago" he says, confident, and still laughing, "Wait wait, when was the last time you got yourself off? I know you're not waiting 8 months!" he giggles and I think I could kill him. I know I kept giving him outs but was it too late for me to just get up and leave?

"I'm not doing this with you if you're just gonna make fun of me Reid, I get enough of that at work" I get out, my voice is serious but I'm trying to hide how awkward all of this is making me feel, and I don't know that I'm doing a very good job.

I can tell that's gotten to him, he relaxes and eases up on the giggling. "Look okay wait Y/N. I'll stop, I'm not actually trying to make fun of you. I was being serious, I think stuff like this is important if we're gonna have to be comfortable around each other enough to seem like a real couple. Plus, it'll just help break the ice?" he shrugs. "But you don't have to answer if you don't want to."

I soften, because I agree, even thought I hate that he's right. "Fine" I collect my thoughts, "2 nights ago I'm pretty sure." I regret it almost instantly, but breaking the ice is supposed to feel awkward.

"Same here actually," he chuckles, "what'd you do?" I'm so startled by the question I almost forget how to answer.

"I, uh, my, my vibrator? I just felt like uh, I watched some..." I still can't force out a whole sentence. It's not like I was always awkward about sex or anything, I could talk to Garcia, or honestly probably any of the other team members about it. But with Spencer it didn't feel as comfortable. He still sat calmly, smiling just a little.

"Same here, 2 nights back, but with my hands I guess. I wonder if we were doing it at the same time?" he mutters the last part gently and my head goes a bit fuzzy. My eyes drift away from his face and settle on his hands, the mug he's holding looks so tiny with his fingers wrapped around it, I wondered how they'd look wrapped around my-

"Okay I think that's enough for one night, don't you think?" I jump up off the sofa and turn, mostly so that he doesn't catch the blush thats creeping from my neck up to my cheeks. And because I don't know what I'll say, or regret saying, if this conversations continues on its current trajectory.

"Sure," he says, standing up next to me, and I want to move further away instantly, "you're probably right, and it's getting a little late now anyway" he glances at his watch. Ushering me back towards his front door and opening it up. Before I can walk out he lightly touches my shoulder to turn me back to face him, and I wonder if he can feel the heat radiating from every part of me.

"So are you free next Friday after work?" he asks, and I'm so flustered I almost forget why, I just nod. "Perfect, how about we come here again and we can dive into preparing? You could also make a start on getting these onto a hard drive?" he gestures to the antique looking hardbacks adorning the shelves.

'Sounds great!" I perk up, feigning enthusiasm, "See you then!"

"Well, see you Monday morning actually Y/N" he smirks as I walk out the door. Fuck, he was right.

I really hadn't thought this through.

——

The weekend was a bit of a blur. I decided to try and put some useful information into a document for Spencer. It felt strange to try and condense my life into as few pages as possible. I knew Reid had an eidetic memory, and nothing would necessarily overwhelm him. But I also knew that he was someone that the team relied on to fill in a lot of the gaps in the rest of the our knowledge. So I felt bad about dumping a load of information on him, especially considering it was a favor he was doing for me.

I'd complied the majority of my life into a 15 page document and printed it out. Hopefully that would address most of what my family could guerrilla attack him with. There was also something unsettling about the imbalance. I was going to give him so many of the intricate details of my life in a little file, whereas all I really knew about Spencer was what I'd taken it upon myself to learn about him throughout the past few years.

I'd read all of his work while I was in college, given how he was the gold standard of getting into the BAU at a young age, I wanted to know who this guy was. I think I'd pictured something different. And I couldn't deny there was something enticing about finally getting to know him after all of these years of working together. Maybe this could actually be fun, or interesting at least.

----

I arrived early on Monday morning. I thought I was first into the office as usual but Garcia was sitting in my desk chair waiting for me. The second she saw me walk in she tensed, she must've known we were the only people in this early.

"What happened! You've been avoiding me all weekend?" she asked, and she was right. I'd drafted enough texts to her, trying to explain what the plan was, mostly without wanting to admit that she was right. Maybe I was stubborn.

"Alright okay, I drove Reid home." I admitted, dropping my bag by my desk. She rolls her eyes at me, dramatic as always.

"Well I knew that already Y/N damn! What happened next?"

"Fine, we went into his apartment and talked for a while. Trying to sort out the details, get a handle on things I guess?" I said, unsure of how much I should actually give away about our conversation.

"What things!?" She shouts, standing up from my desk,

"I don't know Pen, like logistics and stuff, I still haven't decided how I feel about that little stunt you pulled on Friday night!" I let my frustration get the better of me, and maybe that's why I haven't talked to her. It could also be because I know she's able to read me like a book and I'm not even sure how I feel about this whole situation.

"I call bullshit." She counters, "I know you were relived as hell when I sorted that whole thing out. You would've had anxiety tummy all weekend if I hadn't called Spencer!" I just go silent, she was right. I'd gotten so caught up in the whole, 'how to have a fake boyfriend' that I'd almost forgotten about how stressed I was about Spencer hearing my call in the first place.

"Okay, shit" I sigh. "Maybe you were right Pen. We're actually meeting up again this Friday after work to make a plan for the next while, so I guess that's progress?" I shrug, trying to play it off like this whole situation doesn't make my stomach flip.

"Ohhhhh! So like a date?" She probes, her enthusiasm rising drastically.

"Oh my God Pen no! Like an appointment at best" I diffuse the situation

"Ugh that's no fun" she says, not even trying to disguise her disappointment.

As if on cue Dr. Reid walks through the double doors into the bullpen. Both Garcia and I wave, overall awkwardly, but making an attempt pretend like things were completely normal and like nothing had changed since the last time we were all in the office together.

Penelope heads to her office as the bullpen starts to fill up quickly. Less than an hour later though Garcia's back at my desk and there's a new case that needs the teams attention in Boston. I follow her into the conference room and wait for the rest of the team to join. Spencer follows a moment later with 2 cups of coffee in his hands. I can see my mug in his hand and my automatic response is that he's messing with me. But he places my mug in front of me in the circular table before taking the seat next to me, listening to Garcia's briefing. I don't know if he's ever sat next to me in this conference room, at least not by choice.

I barely had any time to finish my coffee before I have to say goodbye to Garcia and hop on the jet to Boston.

----

The case was grueling. More so than usual. It was wrapped up late on Thursday night and the team decided to fly back home first thing on Friday morning. I was exhausted. Even if there was enough time to get sleep each night it wasn't like I got any. Whenever a case got on top of me like this it made it hard to rest, or get it off my mind at all until it was wrapped up. So even though it was over, that didn't mean I wasn't exhausted.

Hotch gave the team the rest of the day off, given that we have until submit our paperwork by Monday. I wasn't sure if Spencer's invitation from the following week still stood. I didn't want to ask, partly because I was so tired, but also because I was scared. I wasn't about to show up at his house in an effort to have a heart to heart, or hand him a condensed version of my life story on a manilla envelope if he was as drained as I was.

Standing by my desk I packed up everything I'd need to get my paperwork done over the weekend, I was just about finished when Spencer snuck up behind me, perching himself on the edge of my desk. "So, you almost ready to go?" he asks, like it's the most obvious question in the world. I couldn't really hide my surprise.

"Oh yeah. That's fine, I mean, if you're still cool with that?" I ask, and I hate how flustered I sound, like he makes me nervous.

"Of course, why wouldn't I be?" He chuckles, standing up straight.

"Cool, gimme a sec and I'll be good to go."

I pack up the rest of my stuff quickly and we make our way out. There's something that feels a little eerie about the two of us being in an elevator together alone again. It was a different kind of awkward to how it felt a week before hand. It almost felt like a kind of tension rather than a hatred or a rivalry. Either way we rode down in silence.

Once we got to the basement Spencer walks out of the elevator and walks straight to my car without having to ask. I unlock it and he hops into the passenger seat. Like this is a natural interaction. Something we do all the time. And I don't hate it as much as I thought I would.

"So," he says, buckling up his seat belt and breaking the silence, "do you know how to get to my place from here or do you need directions again?"

"Well I've got to turn on the engine first" I tease, hoping he picks up on the reference to our last car ride, he chuckles like he does.

"Are you hungry?" he asks

"Starving."

The delivery guy get's to Spencer's apartment at almost the same time we do.

---

Once the food's been demolished the two of us finally sit on his sofa, the same sides as the week before. "So, shall we get back into this?" He asks, sitting forward slightly to pull a notebook out of his satchel on the floor. It's small and lavender, and it's got a pen clipped into the spine. He cracks it open and flips to a specific page.

"Sorry, what's that?" I ask, pointing to the book, he looks confused,

"They're my notes?" he says, like it should be obvious

"Your notes?" I ask,

"My notes on you." he smirks, again like I'm silly for even asking.

He had notes on me? He had a whole notebook on me? What was even in that thing?

"You've got notes on me?" I ask, my hands reaching out to grab it, but he retreats faster than I can catch him. "What have you got in there that's so serious?"

"Nothing." and his tone's a bit too stern and I don't really want to push it when he's being so uncharacteristically nice to me.

"I've actually got this ready for you" I pull the file out of my own bag and toss it to him. "I'm not sure exactly what you need to know but that should be the majority of it at least."

He opens it up and glances over the the pages. It takes him all of 2 minutes to get through the whole thing. It feels unsettling that he's taking in a boiled down version of my life while I'm just sitting on the opposite side of the sofa. Trying to avoid the attention I pipe up.

"Um, hey, maybe it would be a good time for you to show me where to make a start digitizing your books over here?" I stand up and make my way to the shelf. He jumps up off the sofa and walks toward me, visibly excited.

"That's actually a great idea, I thought that the theses from my degrees could be a good place to start, since I'm pretty sure they're not backed up anywhere." he guides me to a section of the book case by the window. There's a series of leather bound hardbacks, the same gold font embossed on the spines. I recognize all of them, pulling out the first one.

"This is my favorite" I say without thinking about it and he does a double take, clearly thrown.

"You've, uh, you read my work?" he asks, completely puzzled. I'm sort of proud that I've managed to make him this awkward, and I nod.

"Mmhm, back before I joined the BAU actually. Before I really knew you" I regret saying the last part, it comes out a little meaner than I really wanted it to so I back track. "Spencer, I read all of your work while I was in college, you were like the gold standard. I don't think I slept more than 2 hours a night throughout my PHD because I was just trying to get as much done as you." and his face softens at the admission. But it takes him a moment before he responds. Leaving the two of us in silence a little too long.

"I had no idea" is all he says.

"I think this one was best" I say propping up the one in my hand, "you get a bit cockier as you move on” His eyebrows shoot up in surprise, "but I'll start with all of these I guess" I grab the matching books and stack them in my arms. Walking over to his desk and setting up. Glancing at the clock it was only 7pm so I decided to just make a start.

Spencer didn't contest. Letting me just get settled at his desk, I pull out my laptop and begin work on transcribing the first volume. After a few minutes he silently places a cup of tea down beside me and goes to sit on the sofa. The time rolls in quickly after that, each time I look up at Spencer he's carefully combing through the file I'd given him. Re-reading it and making little markings in his lavender notebook. I'm not really sure what I put in there that was worth making a note on but clearly he was reading between the lines on some things. That little notebook was like a profile of me.

When he seemed like he'd finished writing he pulls out his phone, scrolling through it aimlessly like I'd never seen him do before. It made him look so normal. His eyebrows knit together as he's looking at something on his screen and he stands up. Making his way over to me at the desk and shows me what he was looking at.

"Who's this?" he asks, "This guy you're with?"

I recognize the photo instantly. It's from a few years earlier, Nathan and I on the beach, my head resting on his chest. He'd taken it while we were on vacation celebrating our anniversary. That was about a month before I got into the BAU, I had no idea that was going to be our last anniversary. I gulp down the emotions that it stirs. I'm mostly over the whole thing by now, but looking at old photos like that, photos of happier times, it can still sting.

"That's uh, the boyfriend I was telling you about last week. Nathan, we broke up not long after I joined the BAU?" he nods, but he's smart, and I kind of figure he already knew that.

"Ah alright" he takes out the hardback and jots another note down. Maybe he's trying to get a read on me.

"What are you doing?" I gesture to the phone,

"It's research, do you not think that if you and I were really dating that stalking your social media profiles would be on my agenda?" he's smug, and he's right. But I guess I just didn't expect it from him.

"Well that's not really fair now is it? I can't reciprocate, you've got no social media presence whatsoever!" he finds that funny, letting out a deep chuckle and tucking his phone away in his back pocket.

"Maybe so, but that imbalance is hardly my fault. Besides, you've read all my dissertations apparently..."

"Bastard" I joke, slamming my laptop shut and throwing a pen from his desk at him so that it lightly bounces off the top of his head.

"Hey, there's no need for violence Y/N!" he rubs the spot beneath his curls, "Maybe it's time you took a break actually?" he says, sitting himself back down on the sofa.

I was reluctant to admit it but he was right. My eyes were starting to go a little fuzzy after looking at the screen for so long. I stand up and stretch my arms out above my head, feeling my spine stretch out after sitting for so long, letting out a low groan. Spencer waves me over to the sofa and I join him.

"How about we go back to basics?" Spencer asks with a small grin, and I can't help but let out a long sigh.

"I thought I was taking a break, no more questions" he just laughs at me,

"Relax, you're not that interesting, it's just a simple question." he states, and I'm not sure if I'm supposed to find it funny or offensive

"Ugh, fine, shoot"

"Well, actually it's two questions" he corrects, "what's your favorite movie, and what's your favorite snack?"

I'm confused mostly by the fact that it actually is a simple question, I was expecting something a lot more contentious, but also because he looks eager to know the answer.

"I'm not really sure what my favorite movie is to be honest, one of them is Night of the Living Dead?"

He nods to himself, and jots it down in the notebook again, "Alright, I can make that work" he stands up off the sofa before turning back to me, "and snack?"

"Peanut butter cups I guess?" I respond and he grins ear to ear, which is a completely new sight, and I like it way more than I thought I would.

"Perfect, gimme 2 minutes!" he leaves the living room and wanders towards the kitchen.

Spencer returns a few minutes later with a DVD, a packet of peanut butter cups , and a thick knitted blanket gathered in his arms. He drapes the blanket over me and gently places the peanut butter cups on top of it before popping the DVD into the player and sitting down beside me. I'm not really sure how to process any of the situation. Am I about to watch a movie on Spencer Reid's sofa? Sitting next to Spencer Reid?

"I... I, uh, thought you were just asking for your notes?" I ask, pointing at the notebook resting in his lap. He picks it up and throws it onto the coffee table.

"Sometimes I find experience is the best teacher, don't you?" he asks before pressing play, “And besides, it should keep you quiet for a whole 96 minutes” of course.

I can only nod in agreement, I'm not really sure what I'll say if I try to speak. I get myself cosy under the warm blanket and we watch the movie in near silence.

Once the credits roll Spencer finally speaks up, "I actually went to see a screening of this last month downtown, there was this little old horror movie fest-" I cut him off without really realizing, I'm just strangely excited that we've genuinely got something in common.

"Holy shit, I was there!" I say, more enthusiastic than the situation calls for.

He laughs at my excitement, "Well, I guess we have more overlap than I thought, that should probably help with the whole charade." he stretches his arms up over his head and let's out a small, gentle yawn. I'd been enjoying myself more than I thought I would, or would ever tell Spencer, that I'd almost forgotten that we'd both been on a case for almost every waking moment of the past week. I really should feel a lot more drained than I do.

I was just after midnight when I suggested that I head back home. I offered to take some of the books home to work on throughout the weekend but Spencer insisted that I just work on them whenever I came over again. I sort of felt like I should thank him for the evening when I was on my way out the door, or give him a quick hug, no that felt wrong. In the end all I could really muster was a lousy, "goodnight" and a meek wave on my way out the door before I drove home. And couldn't get to sleep.

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headless-stuff · 2 years

Text

It's really a miracle how things turn out unexpectedly. I did not manage to complete anything on my schedule during half term because...guess what... I got covid for the whole week. It was so unexpected, the day after I arrived in the flat, one of the flatmate miraculously tested positive, and I really have no way out of it.

But after having it for the whole week I understand that covid is actually not that scary as people make it to be. I was only "sick" for 2 days with slight fever on day 1 - but at the same time my body tends to put me through a fever everytime I have a cold, so I wasn't surprised. Mind you I was jabbed twice so that must've boosted my immune system (specifically production of t-cells) and reduce my symptoms.

I was also actually glad that I had it because that meant I will have natural immunity and antibodies for at least the next 3 months, which meant I would be protected during my exams. Another thing is that since restrictions are totally dropped from today - and positive cases do not need to isolate, everyone is probably going to be infected sooner or later, so my time with covid came at the right time.

Although people might think dropping all restrictions at the moment is moving a bit too fast, I am actually quite glad. This marks the end of the covid era and no more living with constant fear of possibly being infected, although yes, covid still exists and we didn't get rid of it, however, after almost 3 whole years of trying to fight it, it's becoming evident that the virus is not going away, we need to somehow find ways to coexist with it and lead a normal life. Living in terror isn't going to make us any healthier. So I agree with dropping restrictions, now that vaccine numbers and the amount of people infected have risen to a certain point, I can very confident say that we do have herd immunity and we can lead normal lives. Covid is just the new flu, it's still going to make people sick, it's still going to keep mutating and it's still contagious, but we are not letting it affect and impend on us anymore. We are 'living with covid'.

*This is only my own opinion, I still understand that covid could be very severe and is fatal to people - mainly targeting elderly people or people with weak immune systems. However, statistically, it is proven that people that are fully vaccinated have lower risks of developing severe symptoms and all viruses are going to kill certain people just like how flu is, but I do really sympathise with any family members that passes away from covid.

Anyways, now that I've got and done with covid - been sick for a week - time to get back to work. Yesterday I checked the calendar, and we were not that far away from the exams, and even closer, mocks. So time to pull myself together and do more work.

What I did today:

- integration mixed excercise - wrapped up on some confusing concepts

- chemistry electrode potential notes

Add oil!

24/02/2022

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enchantedbyhiddles · 4 years

Note

I hope this ask doesn't come as insensitive, it's just i'm curious, but i wanted to ask: your recent post mentions how you can't go out due to covud. Also it's my understanding that germany is doing relatively well and people aren't really forced to quarantine so my question is: am i misinformed and there are restrictions over there or is it your preference not to go out until things get better? i've seen german pals posting on social media about going out normally hence why i'm asking you this

It’s a bit of both. Though you are correct that we never had a real quarantine. Only those that are suspected of having Covid-19 or that came from a high-risk environment have to do so. For four weeks in March we were highly adviced to stay at home unless we are essential workers and everything that’s not a shop for groceries closed down. Many people went into home office. We were allowed to go out to get groceries or go for a walk on our own. So technically no quarantine. Since then rules were relaxed.

I have family that is in the high-risk group at the other end of Germany. I had to visit them, for personal stuff (if it was for leisure I wouldn’t visit them). Before I can go to them I have to put myself under self-quarantine (or at least try to not meet anyone that I don’t have to). Otherwise I’d feel absolutely irresponsible. If I visit them I can’t even hug my aunt or anything else, because we practice social distancing. It might not always be the rules that the states set, but sometimes common sense means that you avoid things that would technically allowed, but still pose a risk. I wouldn’t meet with 50 people right now, even if it would be allowed.

Otherwise the rules in Germany differ from state to state. Things are far from normal. Here in Berlin they stopped rules regarding the maximum number of people that you can meet two month ago. So you are now allowed to meet as many people as you want, but are advised to not do so. If you meet others you should always keep your distance and wear masks. So it went from rules to advice.

The other state I spent a lot of time in has the strictest rules. Until now a maximum of 10 people are allowed to meet and only if they are from a maximum of two families/groups of flatmates. You are not allowed to eat an ice-cream outside. In many parks the playgrounds are closed down.

You can go out and do things, but many leisure things are closed down. Or they are open, but with strict social distance rules. You nearly always wear a mask inside. You keep 1.5m away from others. No hugging, no handshakes.

Clubs are closed. Museums are often still closed (at least the ones I want to visit.) You always have to sign in with your name and a telephone number, when you go to a restaurant. If you go to the cinema most seats are blocked. You can go out and do things, but there are always reminders that it isn’t normal.

So yes, many things are theoretically possible in Germany, but restrictions do apply that make it feel weird or take some of the joy. It’s good that we do this and I’m absolutely in favour of doing it. It does take a toll though.

Schools opened a few weeks ago. The numbers are rising. We went from 600 cases per day to more than 1500 each day. People went on vacation this summer. It was allowed, but now half of the people that test positive got it from travelling abroad. Just an example for something that might be allowed, but still not advisable. ;)

Then there’s the personal things on top. My dad died earlier this year, dear anon, and you have no idea what it means that I can’t even get a hug from my closest relatives. My aunt is heartbroken (literally, we fear that she will die as well), because in this time of grief she can’t visit us and we can’t visit her. It seems something so little, but when you really need it, it is tough if you can’t get a hug.

#i have also strict rules by my employer #if i act against them i can get fired #Anonymous #covid-19 for ts #coronavirus for ts

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zadle · 4 years

Text

oh my dearness big update post since the last tumbling

2020 has been very wild since day 1 (which is also my birthday). i felt very lost at this job i was at, some place i had worked before, as it was sort of eating up my life. wasn't really sure what to do. a couple weeks into january i met this girl at work and we like instantly clicked, but something was very off, and i just had a feeling, right from the first conversation, that the universe was trying to teach me something with her. we ended up dating for like 6 months and i won't get into details but it was very bad and unhealthy, i'm still working through some of it. i'm still sort of friends with her, but i keep her at a (very long) distance.

at one point i made this discord server, and i wasn't expecting much but it just properly Took Off. it's a lot of folks' go-to server now. like it's not huge, but it's a big comfy family. a few of my very good friends are in there and i love them very much. there's also a bunch of fable speedrunners in there, as well as the co-creator of fable himself lol (who's such a lovely person btw). i've made very good friends from discord. one fellow even sent me his old capture card, so now i can stream/record stuff from console. he also sent me and some other friends a couple jars of apple butter that his mum made lol. if anyone's inch-rested i can DM u a link!

at one point in the summer, i asked my crush if she'd like to go on a picnic date with me. i wasn't planning on doing so at that point, but the tarot cards nudged me in a direction and after a good handful of clarifiers it became clear that i should. i at very least wanted to be direct about it for once. she hasn't decided yet (reasons i won't get into) but that's very much okay; i just want her to be happy, as she deserves all the happiness in the world. she makes me so happy just... existing. like she is the sweetest soul, i love hearing her talk about her interests (she has a voice like sunlight and honey and her laughter makes me melt). and she has the most gorgeous eyes. i could go on but this paragraph is getting long; i'm very gay. she's just special.

onto other things, i got sick in march and lost my job due to a communication kerfuffle, but it ended up being okay, as over 20 people tested positive for covid-19 there, which is genuinely terrifying. and they never shut down because "demand was too high". capitalism is honestly such a fuck and i am so ready for it to fall at the hands of zoomers. i started a patreon working on some fable mods, hoping to work more on my own game, but i've been very overwhelmed by all that atm. thankfully, the only patrons i have are people who just want to support me for being me (i've wanted to keep it a secret until i'm ready to do things more consistently).

i've also been really coming to terms with my noise sensitivity. due to quarantine, i have not had any alone time whatsoever, and there's constant noise and i'm realising how bad that is for me. like it's very, very bad. one thing just a little too loud can make me stop in my tracks, completely derail me, and render me nonverbal. i want to figure out a way to communicate that without just saying people aren't allowed to live in their own home lol. but learning to recognise my own needs and limits, even the hard way, has been really helpful and i'm glad i've been able to figure things out more because these are useful things for later in life.

and yeah that's just about it for now. i've also been writing a lot more, like just channeling stuff. i might start posting some of that here.

tl;dr very bad relationship now over, discord is a good time, i'm so fucking gay, death to capitalism, noise is very bad, and esoteric wordification writing go brrrr.

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vampirecatprince · 2 years

Text

Today has been a massive clusterfuck that might actually be the deciding factor in me just decided I've had enough with my family?

So- I left my previous job very abruptly due to an extremely abusive exchange with a manager and decided that I was going to stop compromising and stop taking the first thing available to me and actually get a job with enough income for me to move back out from family. In the midst of all this my Mom finally gets approved for reconstructive shoulder surgery and I am asked to put my job hunting on hold for 2-3 months or so in order to help, as she will be essentially bed bound for a month and I will probably have to maintain the house for at least two months after her surgery.

I come to find out that even though she's been approved, the whole thing hasn't even been scheduled yet and I realize I've been waiting two or three weeks for a procedure that hasn't even been scheduled. It finally gets scheduled and I realize I'm going to have to wait a whole extra month than was originally suggested to me. But I'm like- okay, fine, I'll roll with it. It'll give me a chance to learn how to run the house.

Fast forward to today and I find out that my stepfather is COVID positive. Okay- that really sucks, but that's life living in a pandemic.

But- I had to CONVINCE my Mom to give me one of our COVID rapid tests. Like ... Mother. Whether you like it or not the whole house has been exposed.

YOU SLEPT NEXT TO A COVID POSITIVE PERSON AND I'VE INTERACTED WITH YOU. THAT'S BASIC ASS CONTACT TRACING??

And the whole cherry on the Shit Sundae is the fact that my stepfather is REFUSING to stay in his room. Him and my mom are just hanging out in the living room, both of them completely unmasked. I just love walking into the kitchen and seeing my COVID positive stepfather COMPLETELY UNMASKED AND TOUCHING EVERYHING. Like jfc- I'm gonna have to mask in my own house and quarantine from them both aren't I?

I'm just fucking tired of actively sabotaging myself to support the both of them and letting them hold me back and the sheer amount that they both take me for granted. I'm tired of minimizing myself for their comfort and compromising the basic structure of my life to help them with getting the absolute bare minimum in return.

It also really doesn't help that they've both just stopped masking in general? I'm the ONLY ONE in this house who still wears masks everywhere. I'm the only one who still fights through the discomfort and social stigma attached to them. (we're also not getting into my mom's weird fixation on eating out and how she constantly sneaks out to go get meals at places and then dines in, indoors, without her mask. that she has been doing basically since restaurants reopened)

It's just genuinely heartbreaking when the person that raised you to be a selfless, earnest, honest person with everyone's best interests in mind turns around and acts wildly selfishly for no other reason than because she WANTS to. It just makes the whole thing feel incredibly performative and reveals just how selfish they actually are to me?

Their Boomer Energy has been off the charts lately and I genuinely do not think they understands how much I dislike being around them right now.

I swear- if Mom catches it and she has to postpone her surgery? I'm gone. I'm getting a job and I'm moving out. Good luck, Mom. You and Robert can figure it out.

#im so tired #i hate this so fucking much #the most frustrating part is whenever I try to bring this up to them they try to go Well We're Making Sacrifices Too #no you haven't- not the same way I have #they take me for granted and constantly forget that I'm a 30-year-old adult with real world experience #I'm trying so hard just to keep going and you are both like psych vampires draining whatever joy I have out of my life

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