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#so there will be a LOT to unpack and a lot of resentment to work past for her when he comes back into her life!

theminecraftbee · 5 months

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do you think dl pearl and sl lizzie would've gotten along?

OKAY SO I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS. and i think the answer depends on a lot of factors actually because like... okay lizzie and pearl have SIMILAR arcs but, crucially, they have different responses and attitudes about those arcs and also two hurt people who are lashing out at others. are not. in a headspace to easily make friends necessarily.

so we're gonna have to... i think it depends on whether you say "these are those guys in the MIDDLE of their arc" or "these are those guys AFTER their arc". most of the time i think people mean "if they're in the same series" so it would be during, and the answer is "i think dl pearl would be a LOT more willing to make friends than sl lizzie would be".

so like okay. let's unpack that. so let's start with dl pearl. while she's somewhat defined by being alone, lashing out at people, it's 5 am pearl she's doing questionable things and isolating herself in response to the fact everyone has shunned her, it's not that she doesn't want friends. she opens MOST of her interactions with being willing to open a hand of friendship, it's just that everyone rejects her as 'crazy' or 'dangerous', or she's just like, not really wanted as a friend for some reason or another. and then she lashes out, and tells herself she's fine alone anyway, but the key is she does want the friends.

also of note is that, while pearl is associated with being a red name because her COLOR scheme was red and she had her red name skin on basically the whole time, she... wasn't. she wasn't a red name. she was one of the last yellow names actually she only went red in basically the last episode. she was PLAYING UP being red. she was PLAYING IN to the narrative she was dangerous. but she... wasn't actually on red, and while she's often ATTRIBUTED revenge as a motive, it was less revenge and more a defensive "if you're going to treat me as evil i'll show you evil", if that makes sense.

so like, i could see pearl, in a similar scenario to when she allied with ren and martyn, trying to befriend lizzie. because she would see herself in lizzie! hell, arguably secret life pearl DOES do that! but even mid-arc, worst of herself double life pearl would go "oh you ALSO have a broken heart maybe we can be demons together?" to lizzie i think.

the problem is that i don't know if lizzie would buy it.

SO. secret life lizzie. so the thing is about secret life lizzie is that she is ALSO rejected by the people around her. the difference is, it's not for some perceived quality in her that makes her dangerous; she sort of starts isolating herself first, before she tries to reach out. this is because if i had to attribute a trait to life series lizzie it might be paranoid? ineffectually paranoid, she's not paranoid in a way that's useful, but like. she tends to perceive everyone around her as Weirdos who are Dangerous and Out to Get Her. she's the only sensible one around here in her mind. (note that this is not me assigning lizzie of all people as ACTUALLY the sensible one are you kidding me have you seen that lady. this is me saying this is how she tends to see the world.)

this, in turn, works against her. when she's first trying to get everyone to sleep and then everyone to go to the end--in other words, getting everyone to show up to her party--they don't. and it's not, typically, so much because they personally distrust her. (note the way people talked about lizzie was REALLY not the same way people talked about pearl at all!) it's because lizzie has given them no reason to trust her. she's not an ally, she's obviously trying to do a task, it's possibly a trap, the end is really dangerous, so... thanks but the last party in this series had explosives under it.

the END RESULT is still lizzie being isolated! the END RESULT is still her resentful and alone after no one but joel shows up to her slumber party! but the root causes are a little different. true, you could argue pearl is rejected in part because of her own actions, but it's not in the same way lizzie is. pearl was WILLING to trust, even afterwards, and gets rejected both because of a system that ended up stacked against her and because of one mistake she's not being allowed to make up for. she's persecuted and seen as evil. lizzie, meanwhile, is rejected indirectly, less a rejection of her as a person and more a result of the fact that lizzie doesn't play the social game well, doesn't trust anyone herself, and puts herself at risk as a result of that.

anyway this also adds up with. lizzie was turned red by a horrible careless accident by jimmy. pearl was turned red as part of the final hunt of all the red names on the server, an intentional act. lizzie died first. pearl died last. lizzie was resentful and wanted revenge as a red name, both because of her rejection and because that's who she is as a person. pearl wanted to win as a red name, and her actions as a red name more followed from her already existing actions. pearl was willing to trust and have loyalty, but no one was willing to return it. lizzie doesn't want to have to trust or be loyal in the first place.

the RESULT? i think double life pearl would offer to be friends with lizzie and lizzie would decide that pearl was a crazy person who was mocking her. and which way that ends up resolving to--a friendship, an enemyship, a mutual respect--would be a FASCINATING story to explore from there.

anyway there are people who are better lizzie and pearl experts than me who probably have more to add her and bits of my character interpretation to confirm or deny (lord knows i could have them very wrong i am not good at writing out meta that isn't in the form of a fic) but in conclusion: this too is yuri,

#answered #secret life smp #double life smp #pearlescentmoon #ldshadowlady #BECAUSE THIS ENDED UP BEING AN ESSAY AND A HALF I WILL MAINTAG IT #i don't normally do meta posts but when i do #also god someone write me this fic PLEASE #please i need them to interact PLEASE

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altades · 8 months

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Vashwood rant

I can't sleep so why not analyze vashwood in the middle of the night

Now, this analysis is mostly of the manga, with maybe small takes from 98 and tristamp

To start let's look at the boys from their respective beginnings

Vash is so cruelly mischaracterized as a child, and it might be a little bit of trismaps fault, even though i do love it, or maybe people are just putting characters into boxes without really thinking about it but Vash is so not soft-shy-nice little baby brother. The whole thing with him being younger is so insane to me, i get why if Nai was born like 10 minutes earlier he would make it his whole personality (very sibling thing to do) but it's just so stupid. No, they have 0 age difference and it doesn't affect their dynamic cuz the are literally twins for the love of god. And, really, when you look at the manga as kids Nai was the emotional one! And he still is!

Nai is plagued by fear and anger and resentment and those emotions are what drive his every decision. Vash, on the other hand, is much more in control of his feelings and doesn't show them as much. That is to say that pre-tesla nai is the one worried about their relationship with humans, about their future, he's the one crying after talking to Conrad (what a sweet child he was) while Vash seemes much less scared.

And when they find out about Tesla Nai is the one who faints - he’s the more reactive one, the emotional one. And that small difference is what sets their paths so differently. Because Vash actually gets a chance to talk to Rem and figure things out.And that talk is so very important because it makes Rem, who already was everything to Vash, even more important.

Now, I want us all to think about how terrified Vash was after seeing Tesla cuz he probably thought his own mother was going to dissect him and his brother. But then she saves him when he tries to end his own life, proving that no she’s not gonna kill him, because she, as every human, has the capability to learn from her mistakes and make better choices. (too bad Nai didn’t get that lesson lol)

And then we get to the big bad things. (it’s genocide) But the important part from that whole ordeal is Rem’s sacrifice. Because, listen, I love stories where humanity is shown to be capable of change and forgiveness is a virtue and love and pussy and all that but oh man can it be so so unrealistic and a little bit insane to watch (su im looking at u (i love su but oh boy that is not how the world works unfortunately)) but Trimax manages to make it work so well. I believe that’s cuz Vash is a very kind and loving man but is also completely out of his mind and has horrendous mommy issues. At least half the reason he doesn’t kill people is because Rem has died to save them, and killing them would make it all be for nothing. If he kills these people or if he lets them die would that mean that Rem died for nothing? Did she sacrifice her life to save these people only for her own son to end their lives? AND you know I’m right cuz he literally says it in the manga but also BECAUSE HE DOES THE SAME FOR WOLFWOOD (also he did kill Nai when he had the chance but we don’t have time to unpack that)

All of that is A LOT and very complicated (i love Vash he’s so well written he’s my perfect little meow meow) now let's talk about Wolfwoooooooooood /twirls hair/

WW is much easier to understand and analyze cuz he is, just a guy,, WW is just a normal person who gets insanely unlucky and gets in THE WORST possible situations (If he ever played DND he would roll straight 1s). That is to say that his story is sort of a way to show how much life in the badlands sucks, but also that there are good things even in the worst places (the orphanage) And WW reacts to situations in the most rational way possible way - he kills to survive. he doesn’t want to but he doesn’t get a say in it. If he could chose he would just live with his family and friend and do whatever. And that, him being so normal in such a violent and bloody world is what makes him suffer all the time. His inner moral compass is screaming at him what a terrible person he is and he promptly ignores it.

That is until that moral compass manifests itself in the form of a tall, blond and handsome stranger that he’s supposed to lead to his death. The stranger who turns out to be the most compassionate and kind man WW’s has ever seen. Who he’s supposed to kill. It’s like finding an oasis in the desert and being forced to burn it to the ground. And WW doesn’t want to do that, and he refuses to believe that the oasis is not a mirage so he tries to get Vash to kill someone, even if it’s WW himself. (It doesn’t work.)

As we all know WW changes his mind because of Vash’s influence. And he dies for it. Because even though Vash’s beliefs are born of human virtues, no man is made to walk his path, for he is not human and any mortal who tries to follow an angel to the skies is doomed to crash. WHAT YOU DON’T EXPECT IS THAT THAT MAN WILL BRING THE ANGEL DOWN WITH HIM

There is this line I wrote for an art i’m planning to make and if you’ve read this far you deserve a lil spoiler - “have you found absolution in bringing an angel to his knees?” and it captures perfectly what i'm thinking. And also Vash spends so much time trying to be closer to people but I think him killing Legato might’ve been the most human thing he’s ever done. Cuz it’s is so beautiful in the way he does it for the memory of the person he loved and yet so ugly in it’s cruelty.

I’ve said this before but most of the time when there is a human/ some immortal powerful creature relationship I don’t think the human is that special but WW HE SO IS. Maybe it’s the way that he’s just as deep in the nuclear bombs with personality business as Vash is, being one of said nuclear bombs, but still remains a normal person with relatively good morals that he can anchor Vash to a sort of normality that he doesn’t get often. Like what other guy would get hunted by all sorts of freaks with you, get in trouble all the time, get shot and etc and etc and then go for a drink with you like it’s a normal wednesday? Wolfwood. Or maybe it's that WW learns of every worst part of Vash, he sees him be on the brink of losing himself, he knows Vash has actually caused the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people and ALMOST did it again after Julai, and still stays with him? He sees Vash become something that is not human at all and still stay? Idk MAYBE IT’S ALL OF THAT but WW is just so important and so down bad but we all know that already so i’m not gonna add to that

Anyways, I got this all out of my system gn

#vashwood #trigun #trigun maximum

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fantastic-nonsense · 1 year

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yeah I'm just going to swing a bat at the hornet's nest and wade into the discourse: Tim and Damian were canonically mutually jealous of each other during the pre-reboot era for (ironically) pretty similar reasons, and getting mad about WFA acknowledging it is an indication that you care more about defending your fave than you do about actually understanding what happened and how they've both grown beyond it since then. Is the Tim-Damian conflict in WFA the same as it is in canon? No. Does it have a solid, factual basis in Tim and Damian's canon issues? Yes.

Tim was jealous of Damian principally for two reasons. One, as a brand new adoptee, he felt incredibly insecure about his place in the Wayne family; Damian's demands to be treated with respect because he's Batman's biological son and his constant insults of Tim because Tim isn't hit Tim hard because of it. Tim feels like he's had to work incredibly hard to earn Bruce's love and respect while Damian gets it by default (which....lots to unpack there, but moving on), and the hurt that this causes combined with Damian's arrogant and cruel dismissal of Tim as a member of the family simply because he's not biologically related influences Tim's continued negative opinion of Damian. The dinosaur incident also doesn't help matters. Thus, he's resentful that Damian was (from his perspective) immediately accepted into the family despite his behavior towards them and hurt because he feels like his own place in the family is being denied by the newcomer.

Two, after losing so much and so many people and finally achieving a tiny bit of equilibrium in his life when Bruce adopts him, Damian shows up and, in his mind, more or less replaces him as the center of everyone's attention. This isn't really Damian's fault (his upbringing, trauma, and learned behaviors make him an incredibly difficult child who needs a lot of time, care, and attention from the adults around him), but Tim is right in that the second Damian shows up, he gets somewhat de-prioritized and trusted to handle himself in a time period where he's emotionally vulnerable and desperately craving positive attention and validation from his "new" family.

These feelings get touched on in multiple issues, particularly Batman & Son and Red Robin #1:

"What about us?" /// "If he is my son-even if he's not-he deserves some love and respect." "So let him earn it, like everyone else." -Batman #657 (Batman and Son)

"How can you let him wear that costume, Dick? What earth are we on that you choose him over me?" /// "Sorry, Drake. You're still part of the team--maybe the Batgirl costume is available." [Tim punches Damian in the face] "My name is Tim Wayne!" -Red Robin #1

Are Bruce and Dick actually choosing Damian over Tim? No, they're not. Dick is actually explicitly trying to express that he loves, respects, and trusts Tim (both as a person and as a competent vigilante) by calling Tim his "equal" and giving Damian the Robin mantle. But Tim is insecure and hurting and grieving throughout this entire period in his life, and he isn't thinking the most rationally about the situation. This is a moment that very reasonably feels like a betrayal to Tim, who sees it as Dick taking away the one stable thing he has left in the aftermath of Bruce dying, and then Damian walks into the room and implicitly denies him a place in the family. He feels replacable and unneeded, and his jealousy and resentment of Damian throughout this period are ultimately less about Damian personally (any personal dislike of Damian he has is largely due to other issues) and more about his own emotional instability and the insecurity he feels as an adoptee.

Meanwhile, Damian was jealous of Tim for the exact same reasons that he's jealous of Cass in Gates of Gotham: Bruce and Dick's easy trust in and respect of Tim, both as a person and as a vigilante, and the fact that Bruce chose Tim to be part of his family and never chose Damian (even though Bruce accepted him anyway). He views Tim as a threat and rival for his father's affections, and to that end his constant insults towards Tim tend to lean in two directions: undermining his place in the family and undermining his competence as a vigilante. Both types of insults are the direct outgrowth of Damian's own insecurities about his place in the family.

Damian has a notable and recurring desire to feel useful, competent, and accepted within the Batfam. It's explicitly what Damian wants most in this era: to be accepted and for his skills to be recognized. Dick even comments on it during the Hit List arc: "he practically bleeds a need to be accepted." In many ways, Damian thinks that if he’s not succeeding at proving his competency and usefulness, he’s failing at proving he’s worthy to stay in Gotham, and his consistent prickliness towards other people is often a front to cover up his insecurities about these things. This crops up pre-reboot literally as early as Batman and Son:

"But she's not there now, is she? Because she wants something from Great Britain in exchange for the life of the Prime Minister's wife and I think I know what it is." "It's Gibraltar! She wants the garrison at Gibraltar! See? I can be useful!" -Batman & Son (2006)

And as late as Gates of Gotham, when he gets angry and snappy at Cass because she pulled him away from disabling the bomb at Elliot Tower (in his mind, undermining his competence as a vigilante) and promptly starts insulting her behind her back:

"Cassandra's not useless." "No. She's spineless, naive, and fragile. And I don't trust her." "You don't trust anyone..." "And your eagerness to trust makes you weak." "Well, deny it all you want...but I think we both know the only real reason you don't like her...is that she's just one more person your father picked over you." -Gates of Gotham #3

It's also explicitly noted during the infamous Red Robin Hit List arc, where Damian talks about how "it isn't fair" that Tim still doesn't trust him despite all of the work he's put in to change his thoughts, behavior, and tactics from how he was taught in the League. He lashes out at Tim during "The Hit List" because he'd finally gained some measure of trust and respect from Dick and some personal equilibrium in his life...and then Tim comes swooping back into Gotham after having gained the respect of Damian's grandfather and proceeds to unearth the surprise revelation that Bruce (the father who rejected Damian) respected Tim enough to hand over (nominal) control of Wayne Enterprises to him, poach on his quality time with Dick, and continue to distrust Damian despite his very real struggles to change.

You feel a lot for Damian during the Reborn era because you can chart a direct path between the hurt he feels at being seemingly rejected by the one person he'd desperately wanted approval from for years–Bruce–and the ways in which he lashes out at Dick, Tim, Alfred, etc when suddenly not too long after that incident Bruce is dead and he's stuck with this group of people who clearly and obviously don't like or trust him. He's constantly trying to prove himself as worthy of being there and, very reasonably, gets frustrated and hurt and angry when his efforts are met with continued distrust and hostility.

Tim's continued lack of trust (which Tim has for good but genuinely misguided reasons!) feeds into Damian's resentment and jealousy of him; this is especially true given that Tim is consistently portrayed as competent, trusted, and deeply loved by basically every other member of the Batfam–particularly by Dick and later Bruce, the two people whose opinions Damian values most–during this time period. So yeah: Damian is jealous of Tim too, and his behavior towards Tim is largely indicative of that plus his frustration at Tim's continued distrust of him. His methods of dealing with that hurt (cutting Tim's line and trying to fight him afterwards) are absolutely unacceptable and are treated as such, but they come from a totally understandable place.

Luckily "The Hit List" is basically THE lowest point for Tim and Damian’s relationship. It starts improving immediately after this; multiple writers showcase a definite shift in Tim and Damian’s dynamic after that point, and by the time we get to Gates of Gotham (the last time they interact pre-reboot), we were getting scenes like this:

Gates of Gotham #3

They were absolutely still prickly and kinda rude towards each other (and I wouldn’t necessarily say they liked each other), but they had very clearly grown, were on much better terms, and were able to trust each other while working and fighting together. They've both individually matured and grown enough to the point where they're able to start moving on from that initial period of distrust and jealousy and move forward into a new era (and then we get the reboot, but that's a different discussion for another day).

tl;dr: Yes, Tim was jealous of Damian. Yes, Damian was jealous of Tim. Those are both objective facts that canon addressed and dealt with in a variety of different ways throughout the pre-reboot era. Tim and Damian are jealous and resentful of each other largely because they're two traumatized kids who feel deeply insecure about their place in the family and the utility of their skills in a time of immense personal upheaval. Neither of them are totally right; neither are totally wrong. Both of them act terribly towards each other because of it, and I refuse to let people blame the entirety of this conflict on one of them or pretend like their mutual jealousy of each other didn't exist and didn't contribute to their behavior.

#this is not my full tim-damian post because their relationship is (again) COMPLICATED AF #but I figured I'd address at least this portion of it #tim drake #damian wayne #tim drake meta #damian wayne meta #dc comics #wayne family adventures #wfa spoilers #canon vs fanon

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beardedjoel · 9 months

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closer | part twenty

joel x f!reader. non-apocalypse au.

series masterlist | main masterlist | ao3

chapter summary: joel wants to repair things, and you aren't so sure if you want them to be fixed. if you've learned anything about joel, though, it's that he's very persistent. 11.7k words. chapter warnings: 18+ MDNI, age difference (joel is 42 and reader is 25), more angst!, mutual masturbation, phone sex, joel is out here TRYING his hardest a/n: this chapter is super long, i'm sorry if it feels a bit of a mess i just had a lot of ground to cover, and if i'm honest i was really nervous about this after the last chapter hoping i could live up to everyone's expectations and desires for this next part! i really hope everyone enjoys it, there's a lot to unpack here!!! as always comments and reblogs are so appreciated, i love you all!

Everything fuckin’ hurts.

Those are Joel’s first thoughts as he wakes the next morning. Emotionally, physically, all of it. Sleeping on a couch at his age wasn’t doing him any favors, so he tries to stretch out all the kinks and soreness riddling his body now when he sits up.

He glances at your bedroom door, still tightly shut from last night. and wonders if you’ll ever emerge this morning, or just try to wait it out until he leaves.

Joel lost count of the amount of times throughout this mostly sleepless night on your couch that he did the same thing, glancing at your door and itching to get up and go open it. Just wanting to comfort you, to talk to you, to say everything that was on his mind. He doesn’t even know if it would even be fair to you to try after what he’d done last night, not even including the shit he pulled this past month. In fact, he feels like he doesn't know much of anything these days.

This last month had been the absolute worst of his entire life. Worse than when Betty had left him, worse than when they’d had their relationship ending fight and she told Joel he ruined her life in as many words. He had nobody to blame but himself in this situation, where with Betty at the least she’d had her own hangups that led to where they’d fallen apart.

He thought he’d learned from it, from the horrible way things had ended with Betty. He’d learned to encourage any girl he’d be lucky enough to have in the future more, to never let them think they could be held back by someone like him. He’d thought he was doing that for Betty before, but by not wanting to leave Austin, not leave everything he’d built there, he was suddenly her villain after years of resentment, and it hurt even now to think of someone he’d cared for so deeply looking at him that way.

Betty had shattered him, through and through, he knew that, and now you were paying the price. Now you were looking at him that way, and it was worse than he could have imagined.

Joel runs a hand over his tired face, ruminating on everything that had led him right here, to sleeping on your couch instead of happily in your bed with his arms wrapped around you. He didn’t know if what he was doing was the right thing, it sure as hell hadn’t felt like it. But how could he let you resent him someday, just like the woman he’d thought loved him before had? He feared that now everything he’d worked to avoid was coming true anyways, that there wasn’t a chance in hell you could ever forgive him.

He felt like he should stand by what he did, breaking things off with you. That was what he should do - for your sake, and for his. Things still hurt now, but if you were ever going to be able to live the life you deserved, he still wondered if he needed to stay out of it for that to happen.

Maybe. Maybe not. He went back and forth countless times a day ever since he’d left your apartment that night before he was too exhausted to think anymore, then crashing into bed and finding that sleep didn’t come easily to him most nights.

He had to do something, some kind of olive branch. It felt pathetic, but all he could think of right now was to bring you coffee and a breakfast sandwich, the one thing you’d said always cured yours and Sofia’s hangovers. If last night was any indication, you seemed like you’d be needing it. Joel quietly creeps over to the side table next to your front door, where you’d haphazardly tossed your purse last night and digs through it, grabbing the keys to your apartment before heading out.

Google told him there was a place relatively close by, only three blocks away that had both of the things he was looking for. With a black coffee for him, an iced vanilla latte and breakfast sandwich for you, he headed back, practically sweating with how much he was rushing to get back before you woke up. If you woke up and saw him gone… his heart sank at the extra pain that might cause you to think he’d just left this morning without even bothering to talk at all.

Joel breathed a sigh of relief when your bedroom door was still closed as he passed into the entryway of your apartment. He set down your food and drink on the counter and perched himself on the edge of the couch, drinking his coffee and tapping his foot nervously. He’d decided somewhere between his walk to the coffee shop and back that it was time to lay it all out there for you, to try to fix some of this damage.

He was ready to do whatever it took to start fixing things, if it was possible. That horrible night, anger and fear had clouded his thoughts to a point where he wasn’t thinking straight, he just knew he needed to run away from what he feared. It turned out to be the biggest mistake he could have made, and he was miserable.

Even if you wouldn’t have him back (he expected that much), he could say his piece and offer apologies for all the stupid shit he’s done. When he hadn’t seen you it was easier, of course, to try and stay away, not say all the apologies he knew were necessary. But now that he was faced with you in the cold light of day, he knew that it was the right thing to do.

When shortly after, he thinks he hears noise from inside your bedroom, he stiffens and tries to steel himself for whatever uncomfortable conversation could be coming. You crack your bedroom door open slightly, just enough to peer out and see that Joel is still here, sitting on your couch with a coffee in hand, a cup you recognize from your favorite nearby shop.

Joel’s heart thumps hard in his chest as you emerge, having changed into a pair of pajamas and cleaned your face of all your smudged makeup, looking tense. You stand near your doorway, leaning back against the wall, folding your arms across your chest.

He clears his throat, willing his voice to come to him. “Mornin’,” he croaks out, voice still a bit hoarse from the early morning and not having spoken much for the day yet.

You purse your lips slightly, beginning to fiddle with your hands in front of you anxiously and looking in his direction, but not quite at him.

“Er, good morning,” you say, your bottom lip going into your mouth as you chew relentlessly at it. “Look-” you start, but Joel starts speaking at the same time, creating an awkward interruption between the two of you.

“Got you some breakfast,” he says, gesturing to the counter. You turn around to see the latte and small bag housing the breakfast sandwich and your lips twitch slightly, but you will yourself not to smile. “Breakfast sandwich, the hangover cure, right?” Joel adds, and you huff a small chuckle before grabbing everything off the counter and sitting down at the kitchen table. This way, you can face Joel but not have to invade his personal space too much.

“Thanks,” you reply, digging into the treats Joel had brought you. “Really needed this. I drank too much last night… I don’t think I can do that again.”

Joel passes you a polite smile and understanding nod, his hands now in his lap, balled into fists. “Y-you were gonna say somethin’, but would it be okay if I speak first? You were right last night, we should talk,” he asks, and you perk up a little, peering at him skeptically.

“Oh, sure… okay,” you say, bracing yourself for whatever you might hear next. Some chastisement, some extra damage to inflict on you, most likely. Joel seems much calmer than last night, though, and it gives you hope this could be a much better conversation.

“I… I’m sorry. Last night was a mess,” Joel breathes. “Shouldn’t have come just to yell at ya. I wasn’t gonna, was gonna leave you be, figured it was just drunk calls or somethin’, to be honest. My worries got the best of me, thought maybe you were in trouble, like with Vince… I should've just called ya back like a normal person and avoided this whole fuckin’ mess. Should’ve… done a lot of things,” Joel breathes out, a pained expression on his face before he continues. “Like called you or messaged you in the last month for starters. I’m real sorry about that, hope you know. I know that just sayin’ it once doesn’t mean much, but I had to.” Joel’s eyes cast down about halfway through his speech, flicking back and forth from the floor to your face, trying to read any kind of reaction or emotion from you.

You sit, stunned with a piece of the breakfast sandwich still in your mouth. You have to force yourself to chew, bringing yourself back to reality as you process what Joel is saying.

“Thank… you for saying all of that,” you start, taking a long pause to try to get your head on straight. It’s too fucking early to be having this talk, but you know you need to power through it. “I know I should have just left it alone too, but you can’t blame me for wanting some kind of answers or closure from you, right? After what you did? Why in my drunkest state I resorted to spamming you like a crazy person?”

“I know… I know…” Joel says quietly before putting his head in his hands for a moment. “Not crazy at all, don’t say that. I understand, and I -” he takes a deep breath, having a hard time putting his feelings into words.

“I should have called. The next day. That night, even. You don’t know how close I was, wasn’t like I walked out and felt all peachy, forgettin’ you existed or somethin’.” Joel thinks quickly about how he’d lose count if he thought about all the times he almost called you, had a message ready to type just to not know what to say in the end.

You stiffen at his irritation, and Joel’s eyes flash to you, noticing the change. “Sorry… shouldn’t be gettin’ so defensive like that. I’m just angry with myself,” he says.

Your brows pinch together a bit, having not considered that as a possibility for some reason. “You are?” you ask as soon as the thought pops into your mind.

Joel’s eyes widen, not believing that you’d believe he couldn’t possibly be angry with himself in this situation. “‘Course I am, sweetheart,” he says softly, before catching himself. “Sorry, again, Jesus, I’m screwin’ this up, callin’ you those names and stuff. I’ll stop that, promise,” Joel rambles on, swallowing hard before he continues. “I’m very angry with myself. Least I could’ve done was given you a call, but I was feelin’ hurt, and I let that stop me from thinkin’ about how you were feelin’.”

“Yeah, you did, Joel,” you say plainly, taking another bite of your breakfast and trying to keep your face neutral. The last thing you want right now is to show him how badly it broke you, how badly it’s still breaking you right this minute to have him sitting in your apartment after a month of nothing from him. You want him to see that you won’t just immediately fold under him again, that you want to have time if you two could possibly repair any of this. You’re suddenly glad that last night didn’t go the way your drunk self had wanted it to - you’d have slept with Joel in a heartbeat then and would have been in a much worse position this morning.

“Just wanna own that, y’know. That I fucked up there,” he says with a nod, more to himself. “And lots of places.”

“Well. Thank you for doing that.” You know your tone is cold, but you’re afraid to not put some distance between the two of you right now, afraid of what thoughts could come spilling out from your mind if you let your guard down. His face is scrunched up in an emotion you hardly ever got a chance to see on him, his eyes bloodshot and beard overgrown. Now that you see him in the light of day, he kind of looks like hell, if you’re honest. You feel a twinge of pity, and while you’re not usually one to ignore that kind of thing towards someone you care about, for your own self preservation right now, you do.

“Not to assume, or anything, but I’m sure it hurt you. Just ‘cause I was hurt, shouldn’t have hurt you too. I wanted so bad to avoid all my shit from the past, and yet I’m in the same situation… seein’ the way you’re lookin’ at me right now.” He breathes out a long sigh, full of hurt that he hurt you. “I’m real proud of you for everything with the job, and I regret not bein’ able to say that.”

Well shit, now you are going to pity him a little bit. Just a little, you think, that’s all.

You aren’t able to contain the small, reserved smile that pulls at your lips when you hear his words. You’d never doubted that Joel could be sorry for the way things had ended up, but hearing him say so much, be so vulnerable with you, it’s a big start. He’d completely shut down that night in a way you’d never seen him do before, and slowly but surely, he’s opening back up for you.

“Thanks, Joel. I really… appreciate that. I know this has been… well, fucking awful. I know I have my part in this too, but I hope you understand now that my decisions were mine, and not yours to make. I was trying… to keep us together because that’s what I wanted.”

Joel nods quickly, his head bobbing, shaking his already sleep riddled hair everywhere. “‘Course,” he says. “I was afraid if I didn’t do what I did that it would end up bad, and well, it did anyway. Don’t know what I was thinkin’... truth is I wasn’t… thinkin’, that is.” He lets out an exasperated chuckle, one where you know the situation isn’t funny at all, but he doesn’t know what else to do.

“I know, Joel. I get it, what you were trying to do…” you say absentmindedly, eyes drifting off to a spot just past him. You’re quickly running out of steam, feeling the emotions starting to overwhelm you, taking you back to that night when he’d left you. “It just really fucking hurts, the way you went about it,” you add on, quieter now.

“I know, honey, I know. Can’t believe how much I’ve hurt you, how bad I messed up.” Joel puts his head in his hands again, leaving it there and shaking it into his palms. You heard his voice waver on the last words, and you know he’s embarrassed, trying to hide himself from you. Joel thinks over and over that he doesn’t deserve any of it, any of your time, any of the comfort you might give him if you see he’s emotional.

You stand up, the chair scraping across the hardwood floor, piquing Joel’s attention but he still doesn’t lift his head from where it sits, hanging low into his hands. You take a deep breath, worrying you’re about to make the wrong decision, but fuck it, you can’t stop caring about this man no matter how hard you try.

“Joel…” you say quietly, approaching where he sits on the couch. He lifts his head slightly and shakes it.

“N-no, shouldn’t be comforting me,” he blurts out. You ignore him and sit stiffly next to him and put a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“You’re allowed this, Joel. I am really fucking mad at you, but you still deserve that. Let’s hug, okay? I think we both need it.“ you swallow, feeling unsure of yourself, but proud that you’re trying to set some boundaries. “After that, I think you should head home,” you add on, feeling almost pained to say it, wishing you two could sit here for hours and rebuild what you had, but you know it’ll take more than that. Most of all, it’ll just take what time does best - healing.

Joel lifts his head and turns it to the left, looking into your eyes. His are rimmed red and bloodshot as ever, all the anger you’d seen in them last night completely faded into a hopeless despondency. Despite how completely wretched with regret he looks right now, you can’t help but continue to notice how damn handsome he is. You give him a weak smile that he returns immediately. You stand, urging him up to stand with you by tugging at his hand, and he wraps his arms around you tightly, the urgency in his touch scaring you for a moment that you could fall into its trap. You’re stronger than that right now, you know. You pull yourself close and return the hug, getting a quick breath in of his scent and essence, trying to burn it into your memory before you even realize you’re doing it.

You don’t know where things will go from here, now that it feels like so much is out on the table. Joel has shown you a side you’d never expected to see after he decided to end things that night, and it’s pulled at your heartstrings more than you’d care to admit. As much as you want to just curl yourself into his arms and pick up where you left off, you want to give yourself more respect than that, feeling like you can finally be a bit stronger than the spell Joel has always had you in.

Maybe this is what he always wanted from you - this full independence from him, not taking him too seriously in your life. But why does it make you so sad now that you’ve gotten it?

“Thank you,” Joel murmurs before pulling away. “For listenin’ and not screamin’ me out the door.”

“You know I’m not the screaming type,” you quip back, before realizing the possible double entendre in the words. “I mean… when talking… when… shit, sorry,” you say, trying to laugh it off, and Joel lets out a warm chuckle, the first real laughter shared between the two of you in ages. It feels so fucking good, so natural, but you push the thought away as quickly as it came into your mind.

“I got you, don’t worry,” Joel says reassuringly, squeezing your shoulder before stepping further away, making his way to your front door.

He turns back towards you, and you can see him bite his lip, hesitation written all over his face. “Don’t expect you to forgive me or anythin’ right now, but could I - could I call you sometime, maybe? Or text? Or somethin’?” he asks, and you can’t mask the way your eyebrows lift in surprise, and the way you almost immediately answer “yes”, to him. The desperation in his voice and sad brown eyes pulled at you, your heart tightening inside your chest.

“I don’t know, actually. Can I… think about it? Maybe text you first if I decide it’s okay?” you say, trying to appear more confident than you actually feel right now. You can feel yourself folding quickly, and need Joel to get out of your apartment now, or five minutes ago, if you’re being honest with yourself.

Joel nods, turning his lips down in an expression of consideration. “Sure, ‘course, whatever you need,” he replies, and you breathe a sigh of relief that he’s willing to agree to it.

“Thanks,” you say, giving him another tight smile. He dips his head respectfully before reaching for the doorknob.

“See ya,” he says, and you echo his words back, staring at the door with wide eyes long after he’s left. This is too remnant of the night he’d walked out and left you staring at the door, so you force yourself to move and be productive for the day, getting some cleaning done and rewarding yourself with a hot shower and plenty of couch time afterwards.

You have so much to think about now, and while you feel relieved that Joel had been able to start clearing the air between you two today, you feel uneasy, completely at war with yourself. The part of you that wanted him back in your life, wanted to make up for every bit of lost time was fighting hard with the part of you that felt too hurt to even consider letting him near you again.

Ultimately, you knew which side you’d choose, and half hated yourself for it.

It didn’t take long for you to decide to take Joel up on his offer of rebuilding contact between the two of you. Later that week, after spending sleepless nights toiling over it, you pull out your phone and type out a message to him while you sit on your couch, shamelessly eating cheese right off the block one evening after work. A situation like this called for comfort food in any way you could get it.

You: Hey there… I think maybe I wouldn’t mind a text here and there from you if that’s still what you want.

There it was: simple, not too eager, only inviting in sporadic contact from him, instead of a full blown tidal wave of Joel. Not even ten minutes later your phone buzzes next to you, and you find your heart jump in your throat, and curse yourself quickly for such an emotional reaction. You’re supposed to be playing it cool, here.

Joel: Thank you, promise I won’t spam you. Hope you’re havin a good night.

Joel’s message didn’t invite anything in return, it was simple and sweet, just a well wish for you. But you could help the itching feeling in your fingers as they hovered over the screen, wondering if you should say anything back. You feel a small swell of pride when you decide against it, half tempted to tell Joel your pathetic little eating situation just to get a laugh out of him. You’re not supposed to care if he thinks you’re funny anymore, anyways.

Over the coming days and weeks, you go about your life, feeling like the tiny door in your heart cracks open a little more each time Joel texts you. They’re usually just sweet little messages - nice wishes for your day or a thinking of you. Each time, you craft a delicate response to keep that stupid heart door from opening wide and letting you get sucked in again.

Joel: Hope work has been good today, know it can stress you out.

You: Thank you 😊 you too!

—

Joel: Saw your parents today, can’t believe they’re still being nice to me. They seem to be doing well and Benny seemed happy to see me too

You: They’re too nice for their own good! Benny loves you though, he was so obsessed when he stayed over your place

—

Joel: Don’t forget to eat today… I remember you said there was lots of deadlines this week and you tend to do that sometimes

You: Ugh you got me on that one. Totally was about to skip lunch… promise I’ll eat something.

Joel: You better

—

Joel: Hope you had a great week, you deserve it 🙂

You: Thank you Joel. Hope you’ve been doing okay too

Joel: I’m tryin that’s for sure

The messages carried on much like that, one every few days, until they didn’t. You both started to get a bit more detail into messages after almost two weeks of just those small interactions between you two, and you found you didn’t really mind much at all.

Joel: Started a new season of Lover’s Paradise and I still don’t understand half of what these folks are saying or doing. Need a young people translator or something. This mean I’m really getting old?

You bite back a laugh at his message, kind of loving that he’s still watching Lover’s Paradise even if you two aren’t together.

You: Tell me which episode and I’ll help you out old man

Joel: Ouch… hitting me where it hurts.

You: Just can’t help myself 😂 you need my young eyes and ears on this one

Joel: Damn right I do. Alright, season eight. No rush, but also I’m totally lost so

You spend the next hour watching the first episode of season eight, not having seen this season before. You wished that Joel was right here next to you so you two could get back into the familiar banter you’d find yourselves in when watching the show. Instead, you text him a rundown of the major drama and encounters you figured he’d have asked you about if he were right here next to you. When you finish, you find that you haven’t stopped smiling nearly the entire hour you two live-texted the show together, and force yourself to frown.

You’re supposed to still be mad at him, right?

—

Joel: Weird question… but do you have my blue Astros shirt?

You: It’s possible…

You: Oh yeah I just found it actually, I think you left it here.

Joel: Or a known shirt thief stole it like some of my other clothes

You: Who are you calling a thief? Couldn’t be me?

Joel: Judging by the amount of my shirts that mysteriously went missing after I met you, I’d say the finger points itself

You: You have no proof!

You laugh again, and realize that shit, you think you just might be flirting with Joel again. You’re not sure if you should reign it in or let things just flow naturally the way they have been. You’re being reminded how much you love talking to him and how sweet and funny he can be with you. When he responds with a photo of you, sleeping in his bed, sprawled out with the covers kicked off, clad only in one of his Miller Contracting t-shirts and panties, you gasp.

Joel: Got some proof right here.

Joel: Couldn’t bring myself to delete it, I can if you want.

You: Literally gasped… can’t believe you took that.

You: And no, you keep it. But now I’m wondering how many more of those you have.

Joel: My camera roll did seem to fill up once my shirts started going missing. Weird coincidence

You: 😠 you’re dead, Miller

Joel: Like to see you try.

Your face hurts from smiling so long from reading and rereading the messages that you consider locking your phone away for the rest of the night.

—

You wake up one morning to a text from him one morning, time stamped at 12:43am and your eyes widen.

Joel: I'm thinking of you

Joel: Sorry if that’s me manipulating or something, read about all kinds of stuff online, but fuck I can’t stop thinking of you right now. Need you to know I miss you.

There was so much to unpack there that you spent the entire morning at work completely distracted by it. The most obvious thing, the elephant in the room, was the time. That late and you had to wonder if there was a specific reason he was thinking of you, and your thighs clamped together slightly at the thought of it. Shit, you missed his body so much, all the things he could do for you and to you. Not to mention the moments after, when you’d get your best talking done, just lay and gab to each other for ages sometimes, until one of you fell asleep. It had been so blissful, but you remind yourself those days are in the past.

You kept reading the message over and over, and the thing that stuck out the most was his comments about what he had been researching online. It almost made you laugh, how dad-like that was to be Googling and reading up on manipulation in relationships, or whatever the hell he’d gotten up to. On the other hand, it warmed your heart, showed he was trying to learn about himself, about his own baggage that had led to the way things ended with you two.

You’ve spent hours poring over the words, trying to decide how you should respond, or if you should at all. It was about to open a can of worms you weren’t sure you were ready for. And yet… you seemed unable to help yourself right now.

Fuck, I can’t stop thinking of you.

The words practically swim in front of your eyes while you try to get work done on your computer, taunting you and causing you to feel an ache between your legs that hasn’t made an appearance in quite a while. Maybe it was the loneliness, the missing Joel that influenced you right now, but you sigh, taking a deep breath before picking up your phone.

You: Thinking what about me?

Before you can debate it anymore, you press send, and your hands shake slightly as you toss your phone on your desk, not even wanting to know what the response will be due to your embarrassment. Did that seem too desperate? He was the one practically saying he was touching himself to the thought of you at 1:00 in the morning, so you decide to cut yourself some slack.

You wait impatiently, and thirty minutes later Joel’s response comes through and you feel your throat tighten when you read it.

Joel: Think you can guess…

You: Can I call you tonight?

Joel: Anytime

Now that it’s out in the universe, you have no room for regretting taking this step. You couldn’t help but feel for Joel these last few weeks when you saw how hard he was trying. Everything you’d talked about that last morning you saw him had cut deeper and deeper the more you thought about it. Sure, he messed up so badly that you were still angry about it, and he had more than his share of making up to do for it. But you missed the man you’d been with, and now this version of him was slightly tainted from the nearly perfect seeming boyfriend you’d found yourself with before. But you were finding that this tainted version of Joel wasn’t too bad, after all.

When it came down to it, Joel was scared. He was afraid of your love being too much, of being someone that wasn’t worth your time, love, and energy in the end. How could he think differently when the last time he had all of that, it blew up in his face? You’d known about it from passing mentions and a few times he shared some details of that breakup, but now that you saw the effects of that past relationship, you felt sorry for him. All you had wanted was to show him how much he could mean to you, and it had backfired for the both of you.

You think you’d always want Joel. Even if you hadn’t been texting these last few weeks, even if he’d never shown up at your apartment that night when you called him over and over, you’d still want him. You’d still… love him. And it made you angry that you couldn’t stop it, couldn’t un-feel it even with how much he’d hurt you.

But he was learning. He was on Google, looking up how to be better in a relationship, for Christ’s sake. Sure, it wasn’t therapy, but he was trying things in his own Joel way, and it made your heart wrench so hard in your chest it went right down to your stomach, making you feel sick half the time.

So yes, you wanted to hear his voice tonight. And as for anything that happened after he picked up your call…that was your own decisions to grapple with later.

Joel sits eagerly at home, the promise of hearing your voice on the other end of his phone tonight almost too much for him to bear.

He was trying to be restrained, trying to keep his messages short but cordial to you, just to let you know he still cared, trying to make up for things without suffocating you. But last night he hadn’t been able to help himself when he woke up from dreaming about you with a hard on that was practically painful from the minute he’d opened his eyes. As he was palming the front of his briefs, tracing the outline of himself in his hands, he’d reached for his phone and sent you the first message.

“Fuck,” he whimpered quietly to himself as his hand snaked into his briefs and wrapped it around his throbbing cock. He missed the way your soft hands felt around it so much, the way you’d giggle for him and moan and scream his name. It was all too much, the dream he’d just had about you had been too real.

Images of you riding him flashed through his mind as he began moving his hand up and down, collecting the precum leaking out of his tip and spreading it along his shaft. He felt like some dirty old man thinking of you, his significantly younger ex, and getting off on it while you lay sleeping at home and unaware of all of it. But he didn’t stop, couldn’t stop the flashes of you that kept invading his thoughts while he built up a steady pleasure in his core.

Your perfect ass passed through his thoughts next, memories of it bouncing pleasantly as he slammed his cock into you and left you in pieces, whimpering and crying out for him. Oh fuck, his hand was nothing like that perfect, tight pussy of yours, so lacking in comparison. Joel’s breathing quickened as he got close on every thought of you he could muster up before he groaned out, spilling warm ropes of cum into his fist and laying back to catch his breathing.

Fuck, he shouldn’t have done that. He’d been actively avoiding jerking off to you out of some private respect he was trying to give you, that it would somehow be crossing a line if he allowed himself pleasure at the thought of you after hurting you so badly.

After he washed his hands, cleaned up and got back into bed, he sent you the second message of the night, remembering all of the random relationship articles he’d been reading. It started last week, when he stumbled upon some relationship forum talking about control and age gaps in relationships and it had made his heart sink when he realized he actually really was part of the problem, despite how aware he’d thought he was being.

So here he was, trying to be mindful that that first message may have been too suggestive, trying too hard to get you back on his side by manipulating you in some way. He had to find some balance - he couldn’t think every single message he sent to you was some kind of tactic, but he did need to be mindful of giving you the space you seemed to want. Every reply you’d sent to him at first had been short and to the point, still friendly but trying not to get too close again, so he wanted to maintain that energy until, or if, you ever felt ready to go further. And lately, it had seemed like you were giving more and more of yourself in the conversations, sometimes texting him back throughout the entire day.

When you responded to his late night horned up messages while Joel was at work the next day, he nearly jumped out of his skin. He was starting to worry that he’d surely screwed up this new rhythm you two had found together, steadily building up a semblance of a friendship again, and had half expected you not to even respond.

Instead you’d taken his text and ran with it, your response only having one meaning behind it as far as he was concerned. Joel found himself tentatively excited when you’d even asked to call him tonight, wondering exactly what this would mean for you two.

He could barely focus the entire evening, sitting around trying to distract himself. It was fully possible you wouldn’t call, after all, maybe you’d decide against it, and rightfully so, he thinks with a twinge of sadness. He couldn’t expect that you were ready for that just yet. His phone rings around 8:00 and Joel half jumps up off the couch, scrambling to answer it with fumbling fingers.

“Hello?” he says, his voice rough as he clears his throat.

“Um. Hi,” your little voice comes through his speaker, sounding somewhat shy. Christ was it music to his ears, though, hearing just those two sounds from you.

“Hey,” Joel replies, “Wh-what’s goin’ on?”

“Nothing. I just… we haven’t talked in a while.”

“We talk pretty often, it seems,” Joel replies carefully. Not nearly often enough for him, but he’s been taking what he can get, what he feels is appropriate right now.

“I guess. Just thought I should hear your voice,” you say back, your voice slightly raspy with that end of the day tone that Joel has always adored.

Joel chuckles a little bit. “That so? Well it’s nice to hear yours.”

“You too…” you reply, trailing off into a somewhat awkward silence. “What’re you doing?”

“Watchin’ TV. Waitin’ for you to call, mostly,” Joel replies nonchalantly, having no shame in admitting just how eagerly he’d been awaiting you.

“Really? I hope I didn’t keep you waiting. I wasn’t sure if I was gonna… I went back and forth.”

“No no, s’okay. Wanted you to call only if you wanted to do it. Don’t get me wrong, glad you did, but if you’re not sure about all of it, s’okay.”

“I don’t know, I’m just nervous. I don’t want to get hurt,” you reply, unsure of how to explain the myriad of fucked up feelings that have been plaguing you recently. You’d let Joel back in just enough to feel deeply for him once again, and felt like you were risking everything for it. You didn’t think you could survive going through what he put you through another time, so you wanted to be sure this time that he’d stick around.

“I know, s’the last thing I want, too,” Joel says, musing on your words. “Hope you trust it’s just a phone call, nothin’ more. We’re just talkin’, no pressure. Can hang up whenever you want, in fact, and I won’t be offended,” Joel says, and you can hear that he’s nervous, that he wants to say all the right things to you so badly. “Well, maybe a little bit offended but don’t worry ‘bout that,” he adds with a light hearted chuckle.

You laugh a little, Joel’s reassuring words right now easing some of your tension. “Thanks. Just a phone call, then.”

Joel nods, giving an “mhm” into the phone for you. “So, what have you been doin’? Besides waitin’ to call me,” he asks with a playful hint in his tone.

You lay on your bed, fiddling with your hands anxiously as you crush your phone in between your shoulder and cheek. “Nothing really… just at home after work, made some dinner, the usual stuff. I…er-” you say, unsure really of what you expected from this phone call, but it wasn’t this. The way you keep trailing off suggests to Joel, being no stranger to you, that you have more to say.

“What is it, huh? You seem like you gotta say somethin’.”

“Okay, fine. Your texts… last night.”

Joel freezes up a little, feeling a slight wave of shame washing over him for what he’d done. That maybe you’d instantly realized the exact context of the messages - it wasn’t like it wasn’t obvious if you had half a brain.

“Right. Sorry ‘bout that. Was just one of those nights, y’know? Really shouldn’t’ve made things weird like that.”

“Yeah no, it’s okay, I uh, didn’t mind it.”

“Oh,” Joel says quietly, the realization fully hitting him now. The beginnings of an excited smirk pull on his face. “Did you like knowin’ I was thinkin’ of you?”

“I- I think I did,” you say simply, your voice seeming to unintentionally go down an octave. “I liked it. I mean I think of you too, seems only natural.”

Joel feels relief and too many other emotions to even begin to name at your response. His heartbeat quickens with the possibilities before you two right now, and if they’re heading in the direction he thinks it might, he worries he’s in trouble now. Once he starts down that road again, how could he ever go back?

“Why so late, huh? When you thought about me?” you ask him, silently cursing yourself for being unable to help the words coming out of your mouth right now. You know what this is leading to, but you’re not entirely thinking with your head at the moment.

“Couldn’t sleep. Woke up, actually, from a dream.” Joel wants to divulge everything, all the dirty little details of what you two had been doing in his sleep, but he wants to make sure you feel in control of the conversation more than he is, that this is really what you want.

“About me?” you ask, your eyebrows raising.

“‘Course it was, why else would I text ya,” Joel says with a chuckle.

“I dream about you too… it always feels good but kind of sad, too. Like you’re right there with me, and it’s amazing, and then...” You’re finding it easy to be so open with the phone between you two - you don’t know that you’d have the guts to say any of this to Joel’s face if he were here.

“Oh, honey… I’m sorry,” Joel replies sympathetically, his voice softer.

“I shouldn’t even wish you were here when that happens, but I do, you know.”

“I do too, it’s okay,” Joel says quietly, a soft confidence in his words.

“Joel…”

“Hmm?”

“Will you tell me about your dream?”

“Honey… you really want to do this? You know this is different from the way we’ve been talkin’ lately.” Joel licks his hips nervously before pulling them into his mouth, awaiting your response.

“Yes…” you breathe out quietly. “I do.”

“You’re sure?” Joel asks, desperately hoping you two aren’t making a mistake right now. You’re not sure if you’re sure, you’re not sure of a damn thing right now other than the fact that you miss Joel fucking Miller.

“Yes, please Joel, I need you right now, haven’t stopped thinking all day about it,” you tell him, and you hear a sharp hiss through Joel’s teeth over your phone speaker.

That was all Joel needed to hear to fold completely, the fact that you needed him in any way felt like a miracle. Fuck, it got his cock hard immediately just to hear those words from you.

“Okay, baby, let’s start out nice and slow, then.” He shifts his weight on the couch, sitting back and relaxing into the cushions. You don’t answer, simply waiting for his next words with baited breath. “Tell me what you’re wearing,” Joel says, his breathing already ramping up into the receiver.

“Okay, corny ass,” you tease, and he scoffs.

“We don’t have to do this y’know, if you’re gonna be too busy bustin’ my balls,” Joel replies.

“N-n-no, sorry, sorry,” you say, trying to contain your laughter. How did it suddenly get to the point where you feel silly and almost self conscious doing any of this type of stuff with Joel?

“Now, tell me what you’ve got on, so I can picture ya,” Joel says, trying again.

“Okay. It’s those purple silky PJ shorts, you know the ones… and a little white t shirt with flowers on it.”

“How little we talkin’?” Joel asks, his curiosity piqued. He knows exactly which shorts you’re describing, he’s seen them many times and absolutely dies to see the way they hug your sweet, perfect ass. But the shirt is a mystery to him, never having seen that one before.

“Very. Think you’d like it, like everything you can see through it.”

Joel’s groan fills your ear through the phone and your breath bitches as you feel the space between your thighs begin a full ache at hearing the sound from him.

“Sounds so sexy, baby, can picture it now.”

“W-what about you? I want to picture you too.”

“I’m sitting on the couch, uh, got no shirt on and just my house shorts,” he says, and you smirk a little, knowing which bottoms he’s referring to. You would tease him often about how well you could see the outline of his dick in them, but you’d never minded the view one bit.

“Hot,” you tease, wiggling your eyebrows even though Joel can’t see them.

“Wish I could take all of it off of ya,” Joel says.

“Trying to get me naked, Miller?”

“I sure as hell would be, if I was there.”

You smile, clutching the phone tightly and licking your lips in anticipation. You don’t feel completely confident about any of this, but you’re following your stupid, fucked up gut right now and this is the road it’s leading you down.

“So… your dream,” you remind him.

“Uh, alright. I mean, it was real nice. Came up to me and sat on my lap, kissin’ my neck. Felt so good like you always do, baby. Fuck, when you started grinding on me…” Joel trails off, lost between the real life memories and his recent dream.

“Mhm, always feels so good,” you murmur out, already getting quickly absorbed in his words. “Love doing that.” You let a little smile onto your face as you think of it.

“Then… well, we…”

“Joel, when have you ever been shy about this stuff?” you interrupt his stuttering.

“Dunno, since I’m not sure where things stand, I guess. Just don’t want to go too far.” He slides a hand across his chin through his beard nervously.

“It’s okay, I want to hear it…. wanna hear you say what you did to me,” you tell him.

Joel seems to get a sudden resolve, and you can practically hear it hardening over the phone as he decides to go as fully in on this as you seem to want him to.

“‘Alright then… I fuckin’ tore your little dress off of you, had you flipped onto the couch and fucked you so hard, baby, just like I know you like. Fuckin’ that little pussy until you were cryin’ out f‘me.”

You let out a small gasp at his words, practically being able to feel the sensation he’s talking about, his cock so deep inside of you at an angle like that. “Fuck…” you breathe out quietly, feeling your thighs clamping together.

“You came so loud for me in the dream, missed hearin’ that sound. Missed everythin’ about ya,” Joel muses. “Wish I could show you right now.”

“You wish you were here with me?” you ask.

“‘Course I do,” Joel says plainly, like he’s wished for it every single moment of every day since you two have been apart.

“W-what would you do to me first? I wanna pretend you’re here,” you ask hesitantly.

“What to do with such a beautiful girl…” Joel says with a little sly chuckle. “First I’d wanna give your perfect tits some attention, baby. Can you do that for me? Play with your tits for me?”

“Mhm,” you moan quietly as you cup one of your breasts through your shirt, thumbing at your already hardened nipple through the fabric. A quiet sound escapes you and you arch your hips a little into the sensation.

“Good, I can hear ya enjoying that, sounds so good, sweetheart.”

“Touch yourself too, Joel,” you say hastily, your breathing already starting to get more erratic with want.

“I will, don’t you worry. Right now’s about you,” he says, trying to hold back some of the eagerness in his voice. This is all like a dream right now, the way you’re responding to him and willing to do this.

You continue touching your chest, squirming with delight and desire and waiting for what Joel has in store for you next, whining out impatiently.

“You gettin’ wet right now, hm? Why don’t you just check for me, lemme know what you feel,” Joel says.

You slide your hand into your shorts, gasping slightly at the touch in your oversensitive, aroused state. When your fingers swipe through your slit to your entrance, you’re practically dripping out already, the anticipation all day from Joel’s texts having done you in completely.

“Fuck, I’m so wet, Joel, I need… I need…” you gasp out as your fingers rub against your needy clit.

“Tell me, c’mon, angel, you can tell me,” Joel coos, urging you on.

“Need your cock,” you whimper, picturing the girthy length of him you’d gotten to shatter your world so many times.

“I know, I know,” Joel says soothingly. He wishes he could run his hand over your hair right now, smooth it down and make you feel better in so many ways. “Gonna have to pretend for now. Go on and use your fingers on yourself.”

“O-okay,” you breathe out, starting to move your fingers, rubbing them slowly in circles around your clit. You exhale with a little moan, thinking about how long needed this has been for you. The times you’ve felt up for touching yourself recently it often left you feeling a little sad after, hating yourself for how much you missed Joel’s touch. But this… this was already miles better.

“Feels so good, Joel, yeah,” you say quietly, losing yourself in the pleasure.

“Yeah? Bet it does, baby. Put your fingers inside, lemme know how that is. Wanna hear everything.”

“Oh,” you moan out as you plunge two of your fingers inside, pumping them a few times to get them as deep as they’ll go before retreating them and repeating it over and over. “Joel…”

“I’m right here, honey, keep on goin, doin’ so good,” Joel praises. “You got those fingers in there just the way you like ‘em?”

“I- I do, God, Joel, I miss your fucking fingers, I c-can’t do what they do.”

“I know, baby. My big fingers fill you up so good don’t they?”

“Mhmmm,” you moan out, continuing to fuck yourself a little faster with your fingers. “Can I touch my clit now, too? Tell me,” you say airily, your pleasure steadily building from touching that spongy spot deep inside of you.

“Do it, rub that little clit, probably aching so bad f’me right now.” Joel lets out a pained groan of his own when you start to moan louder.

“F-fuck, can’t wait any longer, gotta touch myself too,” he adds, to which you give an encouraging little whimper for him. He pulls his cock out from his shorts where it’s been throbbing, aching, and dripping for you. He gathers the bit of precum leaking out of his head and rubs it along his shaft, letting out a small hiss. Hearing the sounds you’re making, even over the phone, has him practically going feral with need, and he can’t wait another second to start finding some relief.

“Please. Wanna come together, Joel.”

“Okay, we’ll make it happen. Keep touchin’ that pretty pussy for me, don’t stop,” Joel says urgently, and as he lets out a small whimper, you can only assume means he’s starting stroking himself with the same urgent energy.

“I’m s-so close already, thinking of you,” you say, fingers moving faster as you keep your phone balanced on your shoulder while you bring your other hand down to rub your clit rapidly, your climax building up quickly in your core, swirling warm and tingly deep inside of you.

“Me too, so fuckin’ close, could make me come in a second flat with those pretty little noises you make,” Joel says huskily, and you think you can hear the sloppy sounds of flesh slapping on flesh from his end of the phone. It makes things even hotter for you, only intensifies your pleasure that he’s so undone for you right now.

“Fuck, I- I’m coming Joel,” you manage to stutter out before your clench around your fingers, your cunt pulling them in tight where they’re brushing against your g-spot still as your other hand rapidly and desperately rubs your clit through the waves of your climax. This release feels so damn needed right now, it feels like it’s going on for ages in the best way, spark after spark skittering across your skin as your entire body arches up into your hands. You’re moaning loudly, barely hearing Joel’s nearly pained sounding grunts on the other end.

“I’m comin’ too, baby, yes, f-fuck,” Joel groans out while you’re in the midst of crying out, and he comes hard into his hand, so much better than the high he’d had last night. Knowing you were right there on the other end, getting off on your memories of being with him was fucking Joel up hard. He slumps back on the couch, breathing heavily as you feel yourself start to come back down to reality.

“Mmm,” you murmur quietly into the phone as your entire body relaxes onto your bed. “Needed that,” you say dazedly, half forgetting that what just happened was with Joel, someone you weren’t even certain you should be doing this with.

“You did so perfect, honey, such a good girl,” Joel says lazily before you fall into silence, the both of you just breathing into the receiver for a few moments. You’re starting to feel a crushing guilt weigh on your chest now that you’re fully coming back down from the high that has been Joel, and you wince a little.

“Shit, Joel… was this stupid of us?” you ask him suddenly into the silence.

“Probably, honestly,” he says with a chuckle, not seeming to realize the mini crisis you’re starting to have on the other end. “But if you feel okay, I feel okay.”

“I dunno what I feel, now. I- I - shit…” Your thoughts are swirling through your head, full of both regret and joy, the two living together and battling it out for which one will lead your next decision.

“Take your time, s’okay. That was a lot. Made me feel a little unsure of myself, too,” Joel replies, clearly having sobered up at your tone.

“It did? You never feel that way… doing this stuff,”

“Different this time cause… well, I know I didn’t deserve it,” Joel says sullenly, and your eyebrows pinch together tighter as you consider his words. Joel isn’t one for self deprecating talk, typically, especially when it comes to intimacy. You’re feeling a little pull to comfort him, unsure if like he said, he deserves it. Shit, you’re a mess.

“N-no, it’s not that, I wouldn’t have called you if I wasn’t ready, but now I…” you stutter out, losing your words.

“Not so sure now, right?” Joel asks sympathetically, and you sigh, long and drawn out.

“I just give in too easily to you, Joel. You hurt me so badly, and here I am, calling you like this, letting you call me baby and all that shit, fucking myself to your voice, when you didn’t talk to me… like none of it even mattered to you! I shouldn’t have done this, I shouldn’t have…” you shake your head, swiping a hand across your face and through your hair in frustration. Apparently tonight the regret is winning, you think irritatedly.

“What do you need from me? Y’know I’m never gonna say I regret doin’ this tonight. But I know I have more makin’ up to do to you than one phone call, that’s for damn sure. Regret every minute I spent bein’ a stubborn asshole thinkin’ I was doin’ right by you if I just ignored it, let you move on.” Joel lets out a breath and clutches the phone against his ear, desperate to be closer to you. “J-just tell me how I can make it okay for you, honey. Y’know I’ll do anythin’… anythin’ at all if it means you’re okay. Don’t care what it means for me, just can’t stand hearin’ you hurtin’ anymore because of me.” Joel’s voice cracks throughout his speech, desperate words flying out of his mouth to try to comfort you. He’s always seemed like a problem solver to you, the one who immediately needs to get to work, to solve things right away, but you both know this isn’t one of those cases.

Your breathing steadies a little, finding you’re calming down at his words. “Maybe let’s slow it down a little. This kind of freaked me out,” you say, “I can see you’re trying really hard Joel, I do see it, but is it for real, you know? Or is it just some way to ease your conscience?”

“My conscience’ll be wrecked no matter what, darlin’, so honestly that’s out of the question. Wrecked it for good the minute I walked out your door. All I want now is to do right by ya, whatever that means. Show I’m more than that one stupid fuckin’ night. I can do slow, if that’s what you need,” Joel says, and while you do believe it, your relationship never did anything remotely slow, you think nearly with a laugh.

“You’re more than that night, Joel, I’ve always known that,” you say, taking a pause for the words to sink in “But slow, yeah, slow sounds good for right now.”

A few weeks later, you and Joel have reverted back to your texting relationship, with a few phone calls sprinkled in, and you’re not even sure what you’re doing anymore at this point. You’ve never felt more confused or conflicted about anything in your life. There’s a part of you that wonders if giving in and telling Joel you want to try things again would be sacrificing whatever self respect you have left. But he’s admitted more than anyone that it was a huge mistake, and has shown he regrets it time and time again. He’s been consistent, not pushing you right now to go further than you want, to give more than you can. It’s all very unlike Joel, who loved to be in control of your relationship before, of the way you two behaved together. From the start, he was always the one guiding you, teaching you about so many new, wonderful things.

It had to be killing him, that he didn’t have that right now. That everything was on your terms. But he stayed patient and kind, responding to your messages always with the same energy, always open to going only as far as you wanted to take things on the phone together.

He was trying so damn hard, and that made it so damn hard for you to resist what you knew was inevitably coming.

You’re musing on all of this as you drive to your parents’ house one evening to have dinner with them. You haven’t spent nearly as much time with them as you normally would, but they’ve been understanding given everything you have going on. It doesn’t help that their next door neighbor was someone you’d tried to avoid seeing for a while, and even now that things are moving in a good direction, you don’t know if you can handle unexpected run-ins with him just yet. You need your decision to be final the next time you see Joel in person.

Your parents have been kept as up to date on things as you’ve been comfortable sharing, and have been nice enough to come your way most of the time, or meet you out for dinner somewhere so you could actively avoid Joel. You knew they had a lot to say about it but they were holding their tongues for the most part. They had mostly expressed that while they didn’t love how hurt you’d been, they knew you were smart enough to make decisions on your relationship with Joel going forward. It was nice to hear they trusted your intuition, when you weren’t even sure you trusted it yourself right now.

When you’re on your way to your car after visiting with your parents for a few hours, you steal a quick glance at Joel’s house, feeling the temptation to go knock on his door creep up. He doesn’t even know you’re so nearby, and you’d hoped he didn’t happen to notice your car parked outside. You realize how pathetic it is, how much you’re avoiding Joel right now, but you know deep inside yourself that the only reason you are is because you know the minute he’s in your eyesight, you’re going to lose all control. All your logical thoughts and wishes to build things slowly will go out the window, and you’ll end up back in his bed, wondering if it was the right choice.

You hear someone call out your name as you’re walking to your car, lost in these thoughts, and you whirl around to see Tommy walking to his own truck, parked on the street outside of Joel’s house.

“Oh, hey, Tommy. It’s been a while,” you say genially. He opens his arms wide for a hug, and you find you don’t mind it at all, settling in between his arms for a quick, tight squeeze.

“Sure has, how you been?” Tommy asks you, with a slightly sad, knowing look in his eyes. You swallow hard, unsure of where to begin on that answer, but you find yourself wanting to answer simply.

“Honestly… I’m alright. Well, just okay,” you admit to him.

Tommy nods understandingly, but before he can comment on the status of things between you and Joel, you butt in again.

“Hey, how’s… Maria, right? Are you two still seeing each other?” You’d remembered hearing about a few dates Tommy had gone on while you and Joel were still together, and the look on his face had told you just how smitted he was with the women. He lets out a little chuckle and his smile grows almost automatically at your question.”

“Yes ma’am, she’s good as ever. Thanks for rememberin’.” He shoots you a grateful look and you smile back.

“Listen -” he cuts in before you can switch topics again. Your face falls, his tone telling you this isn’t about to be pleasant to hear.

“I know this ain’t your responsibility, necessarily. But it’s Joel’s birthday on Friday. We’re all takin’ him out after work, the usual spot, Murray’s, you know the one. I think it’d mean a lot if you came.”

Your eyes widen and you feel your breathing go a little unsteady. “I- I - don’t know about that. I haven’t seen him in…” You crinkle your brown, trying to think of how long ago that had been when Joel was sitting in your living room, pouring his heart out to you. It feels like a lifetime ago, now.

“Not one for beggin’, usually, but please think about it. I shouldn’t even say, but sweetheart, he’s miserable right now. You ain’t seen him the way I have. He’s practically sick over this, pouring over everything he says to ya, every memory, everything he could’ve changed. Can tell he’s in his head and he’s a fuckin’ mess.” Tommy’s eyes peer off past you in the distance while he shakes his head. “He told me some, not everything, and ya should be mad at my prick of a brother, but I know he’s tryin’.”

You let out an exasperated chuckle. “He is trying, I know. I see it, Tommy. Thank you for telling me all of that, it’s hard to see what he’s going through, exactly, I guess. Only showing me what he can over text, you know?”

“I know, he’s stubborn like that. Doesn’t want you to feel any pressure, he’s said that much. So unlike him,” Tommy muses with a little smile.

“I’ll uh, I’ll think about Friday,” you tell him, deciding you owe it to both of them to at least consider the possibility of showing up for Joel’s birthday.

Tommy lights up a little, a small smile curling his lips upwards. “Thank you, sweetie. Just even considerin’ it, big step in my book. Appreciate you hearin’ me out.”

“Of course, anything for my favorite Miller brother,” you tease, and Tommy gives you a little howl of laughter, his cheeks reddening.

“Never lettin’ that one get back to Joel if I know what’s good for me,” he replies, putting his hands on his hips. “I’ll let ya go, but see ya Friday… maybe?”

“See you, Tommy,” you say before turning and making your way back to your car. You sit with your lips twisted to the side, thinking over what Tommy had said for a few minutes before starting your car.

You had a few days to think on your decision, and truthfully, you had already gotten Joel a birthday gift. A few weeks ago, you’d seen the perfect thing for him and couldn’t resist buying it, and the fact that his birthday was coming just happened to be great timing. You didn’t have a plan on when you’d give it to him, but Tommy’s offer had given you a reason and a little push to maybe finally take that leap. You knew it would be important for Joel that you show up that night.

When Friday night rolls around, you’re a nervous wreck. You’ve had several days to think, and you’re still landing somewhere on the unsure side of things, and you start to think that maybe you never would be sure when it came to seeing Joel after so long apart. As if on autopilot, you grab your keys and get in your car, flying down the highway before you can even second guess yourself and turn around.

Just keep driving, you assure yourself over and over. You can always decide along the way how you want to go about it, picture the hundreds of different ways this could go tonight, the thought of what you might say to Joel when you finally look him in the eyes.

You pull into the parking lot of Murray’s, the bar that Joel and his crew frequent after work, and find that no matter how hard you try, you can’t make yourself get out of the car. You watch the now darkening sky change past the bar, shrouding the exterior as the glow of the lights from inside spill out. You can’t see much through the bar’s windows, but you know he’s in there, hopefully having a great time. You worry at your lip with the opposite thought coming to mind - that Joel is sitting there waiting for you the entire night, hoping you’ll walk through the door. The thought nearly feels conceited, too self assured, so you push it away, willing that he’s having a nice time with his brother and friends. You just don’t think you can be a part of it.

You can’t just walk into a room full of people that know him, maybe even know who you are too, and try to settle things between you and Joel. It just doesn’t feel fair to either of you to make such an uncomfortable situation when he’s just trying to celebrate his birthday. You nod quickly to yourself as you make your decision, pulling the car out of the parking lot, but instead of making the turn to head back home, you go the opposite way, towards Joel’s house, once again doing it before you can think too hard about the decision.

You step out into the cooler, late September air once you park at Joel’s place, settling yourself on one of the wicker chairs Joel has on his front porch. You might be batshit crazy, waiting for him in the dark like this, but you don’t care anymore. You’re consumed by the thought of Joel coming home, finding you here waiting for him, kissing you until your lips are puffy and raw and in between your legs is aching for him. You can’t deny it any longer - you were meant to be with this man, and you’re ready, more than ready to start putting the past behind you. To try again. Even with the possibility of hurt looming again, you’ll risk it for him. You can only hope he still feels the same way.

The night stretches on, and you’re starting to wonder if this idea really is stupid, when headlights come down the street and a car stops in front of Joel’s house. Through the shadows cast by the streetlamps, you see Joel’s broad form exiting the car, and hear a faint goodbye from him as he shuts the door. You can’t gauge his mood from just his outline or the way he’s walking, and he doesn’t even seem to be that drunk if his steady gait is any indication.

You swallow hard, a nervous pit growing in your stomach as he walks up the driveway and onto the path that leads to his porch. His keys jangle while he searches for the right one for the front door, and you panic that he hasn’t noticed you sitting here yet. You shift a little in your seat, gearing up to speak to him, which gets his attention. He jerks his head in your direction, but freezes when he sees as much of you as he can through the dark, and you know he recognizes that it’s you from the look in his dark eyes.

You clear your throat, putting on your best smile for him.

“Hey stranger…” you say quietly. “Happy birthday.”

taglist: @paleidiot @mumma-moonchild @soph55 @chicville03 @joelsversion @feliciab1990 @fellinfromthetop @gossipgirl-03 @sarap-77 @blueseastorm @akah565 @pattwtf @scarlettthefierce

sorry if ur tag doesn't work idk why tumblr is like thisssss

#fic: closer #joel miller #joel miller smut #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller x reader #joel miller x f!reader #joel miller x female reader #pedro pascal x reader #pedro pascal character fanfiction

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infernumequinomin · 14 days

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"Kipperlily hates Riz because she's got a crush on him," this, "Kipperlily hates Riz because he somehow snubbed her," that... First of all, this boy imprinted instantly in a bully throwing him in a trash can thinking they could be friends, Riz wouldn't just forget someone he met in any sort of positive or negative way for zero reason. If they met, even if she didn't make a huge impression, Riz was SO desperate for companionship in Freshman year I don't think he'd have forgotten or ignored her.

I think a lot of people are forgetting the complexity of Riz's story as a poor kid who is of a "monster race" going to somewhere like Augefort through sheer working really fucking hard on the part of both him and his mom, and that they have explicitly in canon faced adversity both for their financial class and race. One of Riz's driving forces to do really well this year is so he can even GO to college. Sklonda EXPLICITLY lost her pension from YEARS of sleepless nights working as a detective and working her way up through the ranks this year (and I don't think it's something to overlook that Kipperlily's mom works as a county clerk and may have had some say there). I think Kipperlily may just be a graden variety privileged bigot who thinks some "gutter scum goblin shouldn't be in classes with normal people." And that a lot of her work with Jawbone has probably been unpacking these internalized biases.

Like, from the outside, the Bad Kids were ressurected by the principal the very first day of school, throwing the whole school into chaos and got DETENTION for it. Riz not only killed, but ATE the vice principal, after they defeated Kalvaxis! They were all on the verge of failing if they didn't complete their Sophmore year spring break project (it was 70% of their grade or some insane shit!), and while most of them may still have passed, Fig and Kristen DEFINITELY needed that credit and that is mentioned in the season, Adaine is insanely stressed about them completing their quest for "school credit".

If Kipperlily grew up rich and entitled, with all the biases about poor people that can grow (especially if her dad's real estate office owns Strong Arm Apts and she thinks of it as a slum, because it's kind of described as low income public housing lbr here) and saw that some lower class goblin was EATING PEOPLE after defeating them (you know, like a monster does, clearly not taking any time to understand his motivation OR culture), and getting preffered treatment because the principal just happened to LIKE HIM and his party (because they took the time to become closer to him over the years and Augefort clearly values students who will absolutely kick his teeth in bc adventurers are "insane violent psychopaths" citation: the Seven), and breezing through his classes without doing ANY of the work (because she doesn't SEE the work or the sleepless nights or all the stress he's taking on for others) it absolutely tracks for her to grow this huge chip on her shoulder about it and for it to reinforce these biases she may have already had about goblins and esp abt POOR goblins like Riz.

I don't think Riz did anything wrong. I think Kipperlily just has shit to fucking work thru in regards to how she views the kinds of people she doesn't know or has had no opportunity to associate with. Even among her party, they're all rich to middle class for the ones we know the class of. She's 17 and has a bunch of internalized biases, likely from her upper middle class upbringing, and major anger management issues. Idk it just makes sense to me. I met all kinds of girls like her in college who were type A to all shit who resented me for seeming to "have it easy" despite how hard my life should have been coming from a poorer background than them.

#fantasy high junior year #fhjy #theories #fantasy racism #riz gukgak #kipperlilly copperkettle

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bonefall · 4 months

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maybe with the ending.. make it be like the link between Breezepelt's leaving to join Kin and his POV in AVOS? of course from Nightcloud's perspective but

like. she would be injured and recovering away from the clan. but they would be unaware that she is alive and like in canon assume she died and hold her a vigil. Breezepelt, who is already at low point, taking it very badly - yes he was pushing her away bc he was hurt and angry and started taking it out on her, but.. it's still his mom. his Mi. and she is dead? or is this stupid clan just going to believe this to make it easier? are they really giving up on looking for her, or her body??

i can see Nightcloud being the one of very few, if not THE Only one, things that kept Breezepelt in WindClan at this point. and without her, what's the point? it's not like anyone else likes him. the link is gone and they buried it in a bodyless vigil. so it's what pushes him to actuall take the step and leave.

not sure how well it would align with the timeline and events. and how soon Darktail was assembling cats from other clans like Breeze. but i think it would be interesting and heartbreaking if at the end of her SE, Nightcloud just arrived back to WindClan and asks where Breezepelt is and someone tells her.. he either was missing since this morning or just left the clan earlier the same day. like, just have them miss each other by a hair.

I'm thinking that the second-to-last chapter is her with Pickle, having a bit of a sabbatical to unpack everything that happens through the story. Mostly because I want to throw her into some kind of pretty garden as a nice setting for this lmaoo

A LOT of BB stuff is being added to Nightcloud's Pannage that wasn't in the main series; Hillrunner's abuse, her mentor Addersong, several expanded little background characters now complete with their own side conflicts. I think what I can bind all these things with is Nightcloud considering what a Clan means.

Because of her new reputation, I'm noticing I'm writing scenes where she's intentionally doing and saying things to try and sway them. While also grappling with her resentment towards them, and things she can't change.

There's a bit of a melancholy air so far, so I'm starting to feel like the best ending is just having a bit of space to herself to think. Ultimately, she decides that it's more than Breezepelt or Crowfeather that binds her to WindClan. It's the life and connections she COULD have.

WindClan cats are also quite religious next to other Clans, so I really do mean "sabbatical." I'm going to have Addersong die of old age shortly after they reconnect, so she's in Pickle's Garden talking to her new friend, choosing cats she's lost to pray to as patron spirits to give her the traits she feels she needs, and just recovering both physically from injury and spiritually from turmoil.

So all that to say; it works well that by the time she gets back, Breezepelt has joined The Kin. He was one of the first to join when he started calling for members anyway, so having Night be gone for about two or three weeks sounds appropriate.

#I'm still working out WHAT the injury was though #I just know for sure that Night was in some DEEP trouble. Possibly being attacked by a fox or dog #And she can't tell for sure if it was gratitude or hunger or the brief influence of StarClan shining through the sow's eyes #But Marge does an RKO OUTTA NOWHERE and kills what was attacking her #Before scuttling off with her three surviving humbugs into the mist #And when Nightcloud wakes up she's at The Pickle Jar #Too injured to travel and kinda understand she needs the time to unpack some stuff anyway #Wanting to get home desperately ofc to stand by Breeze #But also... StarClan has probably placed her here. Away from the Clan. For a reason.#Especially with Pickle in particular since she's grappling with how her reactionary xenophobia has affected people through her life #I have a LOT of little ideas for NcP #Which I'll need to trim and focus I think #As-is I think it's meandering BUT it's good to get EVERYTHING down in a first draft #Better bones au #I actually have a crowf ref finished and planned to post that with a summary lmaooooooo #Sorry Crow. I like ur wife too much #Nightcloud's Pannage

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loudmound · 1 month

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hi. welcome to my mary shepherd-sunderland post.

what will follow is who i think she is as a character, what she means to the narrative of sh2, and why people should think and talk about her more bcs me and the 4 other mary fans are dying out here.

DISCLAIMER BEFORE WE BEGIN: a lot of this post will be enmeshed with interpretation and headcanon that draws from me analyzing the text of sh2. this is My Post about mary. stormy mary post. please understand this.

the foundation of mary's character is an exceptionally strong one, and for someone like me, i enjoy making inferences about her person before the illness, during the illness, and near the end. the personality she has in sh2 is flexible enough to allow what i imagine her to have been like in my mind's eye.

i do not want this post to be read as the Definitive Canonical Interpretation of mary. i am just doing my best to inform my analysis of mary with the text as well as building from that set foundation given to us as the audience.

with that out of the way, please enjoy.

PART ONE: MARY AS A CONCEPT

what exists of mary is filtered through the lens of memory before the cumulative letter in the respective endings we receive it. throughout sh2, her status and state of being is re-contextualized as her husband moves closer and closer to the truth of the matter. she is an individual wrapped in idealistic fantasy that is slowly and surely stripped away the longer the game goes along, and the more we actualize her as the person she once was.

this element of conceptualization and fantasy is a through-line in sh2's narrative. mary is everywhere james looks in his version of the town. she's in the rot and rust on the walls, she's in the monsters he fights and runs from, she's in the places he goes, her face and voice is maria's, and she even has some of her memories and personality traits. it is truly understated how much mary just... IS in sh2, in spite of her not being physically present.

there's also this dichotomy i've been thinking about in the inability for mary and james to exist outside of one another, thematically speaking. for fundamentally being two different people, they are inextricably tied to one another in a really unfortunate and tragic way. james grafts himself to mary's memory before her sickness and slowly begins to resent the woman she's become out of anything but her own volition, and mary grafts herself to james because... she has to.

she's sick, she's dying, she's largely bedridden and in constant pain. she cannot rely on herself anymore; she has to rely on the people around her to take care of her, and when she inevitably goes home to live out whatever time she has left... it's james she has to rely on. and while i think james finds immense comfort and pleasure in living in the past they had while refuting the present, mary is thoroughly imbedded in the present and resents the past by means of something that she can no longer have. neither of them can, but i've always interpreted mary to be a very pragmatic and proactive individual.

she discusses in her letter how pathetic and ugly she feels, how she waits in her cocoon of pain and loneliness that's been grafted onto her unwillingly while she waits for james to visit her, and it's clear to me that she is the kind of individual that puts so much emphasis on being a useful and beautiful woman. that is what gives her worth as a human being within the society in which she lives (late 80s usa in my opinion). canonically, she is a housewife, and while that certainly coheres, i'm of the belief that she was a woman who worked outside the home as well, but also someone who did not do enough unpacking to really get away from gendered roles expected of her.

i really do believe that she feels she failed james spectacularly as a partner, but also as a wife; therein, as a person in his life. both of them dealt with their own baggage regarding gendered expectations, but mary in particular's is incredibly potent and crushing if you actualize her as someone who, in turn, wanted to be the perfect wife to james. kind, patient, nurturing, submissive, etc.

of course, as we all know, the perfect wife/woman/whatever you want it to be, is an unattainable concept, because how can anybody human like mary exist within such ridiculous, reductive parameters?

PART TWO: MARY AS A PERSON

so, in that case, who was mary, then? who was she, if not this idealized vision of a wife long lost?

as i've alluded to before, i envision her as a very pragmatic and proactive person; in the video tape of her, she seems very playful and outgoing, but also contemplative, appreciative, and straightforward. i've always seen her as a very different person from james in regards to how she navigates through life.

she's comparatively much more outward and readily emotional, but seems to retain a level of quiet interiority that meshes very well with james' very inward attitude. a very typical "bubbly wife and stoic husband" sort of situation on the surface, but i've always thought that mary greatly appreciated having james as an emotional anchor of sorts; somebody who can soothe the more keyed-up aspects of her personality, given how quiet and easygoing he is.

given how she mentions how angry she was all the time at the advent of learning of her incumbent death, i view her as somebody who really does not like being out of control of her own life. she has an idea of how she wants things to be and she wants them done the way she has already since chosen. (do not interrupt her routines. she will get very irritated.) she's very particular, and i think she's had to learn how not to just take the reigns from somebody else if she perceives them to be going about something "incorrectly" because this particular flaw has led to some arguments/falling-outs with loved ones in the past.

in that particular vein, holy fuck is this woman a fixer. she needs to fix everything she possibly can. the sink's busted? don't worry, she's had a lifetime of fixing shitty plumbing in her childhood home because nobody else bothered. need a couple more bucks for gas? don't worry, she always keeps a few extra dollars on her because she knows what it's like to be a few short and not have anyone else to turn to that you can trust.

you've been deeply traumatized and scarred by your adverse childhood experiences and it's left you with maladaptive and dysfunctional coping mechanisms? don't worry, she'll be there for you, in sickness and in health.

to me, mary's the kind of person that likes seeing the fruits of her labor, too. she takes great pride in being as self-sufficient at she has been, and does very much enjoy sharing that with others as much as she can. genuinely, i think she's very giving and compassionate, but jesus, when it came to james when he was struggling (before she got sick), it certainly got a bit dire. using your wife for free emotional labor is one thing, but when that wife welcomes it for a while because she has a pervasive desire to fix everything, including you? yeah.

also, of course, mary felt a pertinent obligation to doing such, being The Wife and all, but she's also a human person and got exhausted dealing with the amount of baggage her husband had, and their relationship got pretty rocky because of james' unwillingness to seek professional help (stemming from trauma with the laughable us-healthcare system) and mary's unwillingness to recant over and over again what she has in her toolbox.

which is where silent hill comes in. a belated honeymoon of sorts, mary and james take a trip to take their mind off the doom-inspiring monotony that is domestic life, and it's great!

until it isn't.

PART THREE: TERMINAL ILLNESS

so, the nature of mary's illness has never been clearly stated canonically, but we know that it gave her a persistent cough, rendered her bedbound, made her hair fall out, and made lumps grow all over her skin. i'm of the belief that she had hansen's disease, but cancer is also incredibly plausible too.

hansen's disease is one of those things that can lie dormant for years, and it can sometimes take a decade for symptoms to surface, so i don't think it was really a matter of mary catching anything from silent hill, per se. (i do think toluca lake has just the most godawful brain-eating bacteria in it but that's aside the point.) it's definitely a curable disease, but perhaps the strain mary had was a particularly severe variant. point being, however, is that this thing ruined her inside and out.

in the beginning stages, (year 1 or so) i do think she was pretty touchy, emotionally speaking. she tries to keep up appearances as much as she can and is able to, but it's clear that something has shifted for the worst. she's much more somber in the moments of quiet. her contemplative nature turns to brooding. she smiles, still, but her smiles are undoubtedly laced with a wry, bitter sadness.

she's now toiling with thoughts of dying as a way out, too. it'd be easier if they'd just kill me, she laments at one point. simultaneously at the crux of wanting freedom from one's pain in death but terrified of said death as being eternal, too.

it's something you can't ever undo.

now... i'd say a pretty controversial aspect of mary's character during this period of time is whether or not she was abusive towards james during her illness. cases have been made, it's a fairly ambiguous situation as presented in-game, but i think mary's anger that she expressed was quiet, overall. she tried to keep it quiet, at least, and when she did lash out, it was almost always in part due to her newfound level of self-loathing. when she's yelling at james in that hallway, she's yelling at herself more than she is at him.

she's no longer a person, to herself and to others around her that treat her like a dying animal than the woman that she is; the woman that she used to be. i'd be livid if i were her, too!

she also mentions in her letter that she "struck out at everyone she loved most." i have very strong reason to believe that she loved laura, and that unfortunately, she too was caught in the crossfire of mary's mood swings/outbursts. i also think that the guilt mary expresses when we're listening to the hallway conversation is genuine; i don't think her outburst and subsequent apology was a manipulation tactic to make james feel bad.

i think she's genuinely suffering. she doesn't know what to do with these compounding negative feelings. she has nowhere to put them. james comes in at a bad time and becomes the target. after the damage has been done, she realizes this and crumbles immediately. she's hurt james. she needs to do damage control however she can.

of course, none of this is to say that women can't ever be abusive/abusers and we can have conversations about the nuances of that all day, but... it's disquieting to me to see a consistent reading of a terminally ill female character's torment and anger be read as "abusive" to further exonerate the male character's deed of murdering her. like, i think we should consider that for a bit. i think we can hold that mary's behavior was not the best, but james' wasn't, either.

mary waited for him, but he never comes. he stays away, festering in his own grief, mourning her before she's even passed. i see james' aversion to seeing her in large part as a trauma response due to past abuse while growing up; when she shouts at him like that, it drags all of those ugly feelings and memories up.

it's a relationship i see as something that was mutually declining. it was something that was left to die. much like mary was, in a lot of ways.

mary was terrified that james hated her. that she disgusted him with her appearance, that he pitied her for being ill and effectively useless to him. that was something plaintively out of her control, being in the hospital. james could've ripped the bandage off and braved seeing her. he could've talked to her. he could've rekindled what was deteriorating. but he didn't.

again, mary's proactive nature of yearning for james, wanting to see him, wanting to talk to him and talk about them and what to do when the time comes. she wants to figure this out as best she can.

but james doesn't, and he still never comes.

mary poured everything left in her that she could muster in that letter. she profusely apologized for everything, for things that weren't even her fault to begin with. she told james that she loved him in that letter, because she couldn't say it to him to his face any longer. she didn't know if she would have any time left to do such.

but she does. and however long later, he kills her.

mary isn't a perfect victim, nobody that's a victim in sh2 is supposed to be. but she is still an individual that deserves compassion nonetheless, and i think the game does its due diligence in getting that across.

PART FOUR: MARIA

i think have to at least touch upon maria a bit if you're writing a post about mary. i think that's just the way it is.

maria, as we know, is a manifestation created by silent hill as a means to confront/interrogate/"punish" james by emulating mary but with very... choice character design changes.

she's clad in leopard print and a cropped red blouse. she's a dancer at heaven's night. she has bleach blonde hair with the roots peeking in. her face is all done up. she still extroverted, but far more provocative and alluring. she's a fantasy; something unattainable.

but she could be yours in whatever way you want her to be!

maria is utterly fascinating as an interrogation of james' character, but also as a reflection of mary, too. in born from a wish, she expresses her fear of pain and death, of being alone in town with no one else around, while also toiling with suicidal ideation. (sound familiar?) she seeks out companionship in whatever form it takes, and jumps on it when she does find it in ernest.

how much of mary is maria has always been up for debate and forever will be, but i think a lot of mary lives within her. the obvious, being the memories that she has of laura and the video tape left in the lakeview hotel, her hot and cold behavior with james, but also in the existential misery she feels in born from a wish. that desire to die to escape the pain of feeling alone, but also wanting to be with somebody else more than anything, and how death would undoubtedly take that away.

i also think her dyed hair isn't even hers; mary had that haircut and dye job when she first met james at that house party all those years ago.

i think maria's standing as a sentient individual is true, but in the sense that she is the combination of both mary and james' baggage made sentient. she never truly existed for herself, as her own person. she'll always have a little bit of someone else in her, someone she doesn't even really know, and that's... utterly tragic.

i think she realized this too when she points that gun to her head. but she chose james anyways out of that same desire for companionship. maybe she could be his new mary. maybe she could be better than mary. it's truly all so fuck.

PART FIVE: CONCLUSION

mary is the reason why sh2 happens for james. full stop. you cannot have sh2 without mary. there is a foundation laid for you to examine and explore. she is as infinitely fascinating as james is, if not more so. join me.

this post is sprawling and probably a bit confused at times because i wrote it on a whim, but i HOPE that i was able to get across the larger ideas of why i love mary as a character and who she could've been before her illness and death. i didn't touch upon everything i possibly could (mary and laura's relationship deserves its own post, i think), but this post is already long enough. i'll edit it in the future, undoubtedly.

thank you so much for reading all the way. listen to her final letter and cry with me.

#mary shepherd sunderland #james sunderland #maria #maria silent hill #silent hill #silent hill 2 #sh2 #stormy shouts #like i said in the conclusion i think mary and laura's relationship is deserving of its own post #i would've loved to get into it here but uh. this post is already very long.#that's where interpretation plays too #talking abt silent hill... showing laura all her photos... loving her like her own daughter... ugh it's so heartrending #anyways. this one's for my maryheads

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femmefatalevibe · 6 months

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What’s your view on toxic female friendships. I think it’s such a shame betrayal seems to be more common theme in female friendships. Men seem to have life long friends without any drama at all. Of course there are women out there with good life long friends but sadly it’s rare especially in this era we live in

I think the underlying themes here are patriarchy and internalized misogyny. It can appear in blatant forms like women who sabotage each other for male attention, body/appearance/slut shame other women, or overly criticize other women's behavior and choices.

But I also believe there's a more covert patriarchal dynamic to women-women friendships vs. men-men friendships that's only recently become a prominent conversation in the public sphere/social media. As women, we're taught that it's our responsibility and culturally conditioned to perform all the emotional labor for the people in our lives – mainly men, but also other women. Men are taught and socialized with the opposite mentality.

So, I believe the dilemma comes down to this:

Female friendships exist as an outlet to unload our emotional stressors from all the men and women in our lives, so along with strict standards to be the "perfect" woman, it is easy for women to get on each other's nerves/bad side when we're all constantly emotionally exhausted and unloading onto each other. We overemphasize the emotional labor we should expect out of each other because we are conditioned to do this for the men in our lives. But, because other women aren't men, we start to resent/project onto them this anger. It's a very insidious type of internalized misogyny that I think a lot of women aren't aware of and therefore do not confront.

Then, there's the other side of the coin, where men don't really have these expectations of other men. Their friendship is based more on camaraderie through mutual interests, upbringing, lifestyles, or shared experiences (like working together, attending the same university, etc.). They don't uphold this expectation of performing emotional labor for themselves or each other. That role is reversed or the women in their lives.

Of course, I believe most men are so socially conditioned by patriarchy that they don't even realize this underlying dynamic and there are plenty of exceptions of emotionally intelligent men who desire to/actively unpack this to create more emotionally nourishing and equitable relationships in their lives, but I'm speaking in generalities for comprehension's sake.

Hope this resonates with some of you and answers your question. Bisous xx

#female friendship #male friendship #gender norms #gender roles #patriarchy #gender dynamics #women's empowerment #feminist #feminism #female socialization #male socialization #social norms #social commentary #gender performance #intersectional feminism #femmefatalevibe #q/a

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littledigits · 10 months

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That time when working in animation made me realize I needed therapy

Since we're on the topic of overworking / being passionate in animation and blah blah blah. I want to share my story about working on the first season of Hilda (for context I was the animation director), specifically..how completely garbo my mental health got because

I INSISTED ON WORKING MYSELF INTO THE GROUND.

This is a story I've shared when I've had a chance to do lectures or talks, and if there is one really awesome thing that comes with ..weird ..animation clout, its that you can use those powers for good in terms of teaching people about the BS that comes with the job...anyway.

The reason why I like to talk about this is because I insisted on doing it to myself, and that was really got me thinking about the factors that do lead us into over working. Because heres the deal

Hilda season 1 was, without getting into too many details, a heckofatime...especally for the core crew. we were a small group, doing something new because most of us haven't worked on a show before that included pre production. My entire career up to that point had been working on service work for shows that were created in Burbank, so the new pipeline had a ton of challenges. We did all care, and we all believed in the project SOOOO much. I would tell people not to work over time, because I want my team to leave on time - but I was there...a lot. Leaving the studio by 11pm , working through the weekends..it wasnt an uncommon thing for me. sure , it wasnt all the time, but this stuff spans years sometimes so it went in waves. But whenever the challenges came up, i doubled down. because I super believed in it.

And the thing was - other people told me to stop. I had a lot of valid concerns given to me by my friends and team members who saw how I was burning myself out at both ends. And I thought like, well , its my *choice*. Its my chance to have a voice and be creative and try to do something different and we all have to push ourselves and yes its HARD but. THATS HOW YOU DO IT RIGHT? surely if I just make sure I’m the one overworking and my team isn't.. that's fine.

Well, no, I was immensely effecting my team maybe I wasn’t telling them to work late, but they were seeing me get more and more tired and stay later and later. I thought they would still approach me for help, or if they struggled. But the issues they had they kept to themselves without wanting to put more on my shoulders. Because they *cared* , just as much as I did ..and we all took more on our shoulders then we should have and there were a lot of things that I could have solved had I fostered a better communication environment. I became really resentful in my head over the smallest things, I actually saw myself becoming a more hateful person and easily annoyed. I came home every day rambling about the frustrations. Now, let me preface this by saying - my mental state did not only have to do with overworking. I had and have things still to unpack, but the control I had over work and the validation I got from it was a coping mechanism for me. I really didnt think i had any worth as a person outside of this job. It basically was a very nasty cycle that didnt stop until ...well I had gotten so bad I had to. By the end of the first season I was actually incredibly close to quitting . I was in big anxiety attack territory because I was so worn thin- I had started therapy but eventually moved onto getting medication as well and that was what allowed me to stick it out. ( I have the same therapist and I am on the same meds, it was very hard to do at the time, but i cant imagine my life now without making that choice ). After it was done I was immensely supported by the studio and worked part time as a trainer, which is what i requested to give my brain a break. (Only a few of my closer friends knew how bad I was getting but it was pretty obvious I needed to rest) I'm really proud of the work we did and we keep doing on the show, ..and some other people may have gone through something similar and found it was worth it, but thats not me. I still struggle not to fall back into that mindset, but it helps knowing that if i keep myself out of it , i can help my team out of it, because I know they care about this show just as much as I do. I’m not a martyr, I am a leader, and its up to me to keep myself healthy so I can keep my crew healthy. I always strive to be better, but i get to decide what that looks like - and for me ..better has nothing to do with the image on the screen. Its got more to do with the experience of the people around me. Readjusting those priorities has helped a lot with keeping my head above water and not add to the pressure that makes it so hard not to get sucked down in the first place. I do think its good to talk about though , how our passion and language and drive can lead to a lot of us being a part of this cycle. And if theres one good thing about the challenges, its sharing them so at least others can learn faster then you did ;) . take care of yourself friends.

#animation #animation industry #director talk #i still think of how many people told me to stop and how i didnt #i tell people to stop and they dont but i do understand why #thats why this shit is ingrained and its more then just words #here you go a big long animation ramble :D

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thedeadthree · 2 years

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😭 👪 🌹 🌌 🔪 + Anya!

GABBY BELOVED. hello hii dear! i hope ur doing well and having the loveliest day/night! ty so much for asking about the current girl occupying the headspace!

OC EMOJI ASKS (x)

😭 CRYING - what makes them cry? do they cry easily?

to her, all her ability to cry was lost to her the day her dad died. after that, and for a straight month afterwards, then a period where she refused to utter a SOUND for a 5 month period.. she hasn’t and refused to let anyone push her to the point of tears again. these days, she prefers to make OTHERS cry (like the true villainess she is ajsknas). and to push her to that point it would take the death of her uncle, or worse so, the one always at her corner for as long as she could remember and love of her life ash. these two remaining anchors would be enough to do it. and given that anya possesses gravikinesis AND umbrakinesis aka: the abilities to manipulate shadows and gravity itself, for the worlds sake ONE BETTER HOPE NOTHING HAPPENS TO THEM.

👪 FAMILY - what is their family like? what is your ocs relationship to them? does your oc have any siblings?

YOU ARE ASKING THE BEST QUESTIONS GABBY i literally adore u for that omg. the can of WORMS this is jsdndah. so there is her father who passed away by assassination, her estranged mother, her uncle luka (and current head of the family) the man who has raised her since her fathers passing a decade prior, her babushka and dedushka.

her family relationships are... complicated? her mother, a superhero who separated from her father to continue her career in hero work (she chose her celebrity and reputation in essence kdosja) THEY HAVE NOT SPOKEN SINCE THAT CONFRONTATION and its a good thing! it would take a LOT for her to like.. make anya forgive her. (like when her mother comes asking for help in the story its gonna be INTERESTING jksdfkjf). her and her uncle have always been close! this is her closest familial connection, the number one supporter of her succession as the head of the morozov crime family AND her desire for vengeance against her fathers murderers. her relationship with the rest of her family, her babushka and dedushka and the morozov crime family is good..? she has a high respect for both of them and is poised to take the seat as head of the family. its a good relationship! her dad passed away and to be truthful the only person who could have been her anchor towards a more altruistic path.. had he still been alive she would have chosen to become a vigilante just as he was. :’) he was her anchor, her favorite person.. CRYING.

🌹 ROSE - do they like valentines day? have they been confessed to before? have they confessed to anyone before?

she likes it fine! annushka’s thoughts these days are more veering towards her 25th birthday and her divine vengeance against her fathers killers skansk, but she likes the holiday fine! its nice to be appreciated by her admirers u know? 😌 and she has! many.. MANY times. she has had more than her fair share of admirers, and although they were nice, looked nice and the gifts were as well.. none of them were all that appealing. she actually hasn’t! anya is one of those under the expectation that if she loves someone, she doesn’t need to tell them for them to know! perhaps its bc shes got a particular person in mind to give that honor to and this is all just an excuse sajhnsd.

🌌 MILKY WAY - what was the inspiration behind your oc? what was the first thing you decided about them?

this is my fav question ahh I adore talking and reading about inspo behind characters ☺️!! i had an oc from a LONG while ago from something from a different thing and she is the successor! (a far more unhinged, far more vengeful and villain aligned oc!) also! the lasombra from vtm (the RUTHLESSNESS and the shadow manipulation!), DANY very inspired by daenerys (the domino of tragedies in a short time that led to her losing control), and a bit of witcher 3 ciri! (the revenge kill of imlerith for vesemir and anya wanting to kill her fathers murderers) i also was very inspired by her umbrakinesis when I made her pinterest board and so a lot of that has elements of shadow and the black and white aesthetic, this is also the first thing i decided for her! and that her name/nickname would be anya! ive always wanted to name an oc anya, and was waiting to find the PERFECT oc to fit that and! she did!

🔪 KNIFE - how do they react to injury / misfortune befalling their loved ones (significant other, family, friends)? do they put themselves at blame?

NOT WELL NOT ONE BIT. as she is on a hunt for BLOOD in regards to her fathers killers, and how she handled her fathers death and her own misfortunes as a whole. the whole declaration of making the ones who have wronged her pay for what they’ve done to who she cares for and who has cared for her, to wrong her loved ones is a VERY bad idea! one that’ll cost you! she’ll raze the entire city if it means divine retribution sadsjndai. she doesn’t! whoever had misstepped on those she loved its THEM who hurt them and it’ll be THEM who will be sorry! but she used to blame herself!

#we support the evil ladies here! and u know what? good for her!#🌿: gabby #queennymeria #THANK U DEARIEE this was lovely to do! will never not adore this ask game.. ITS THE BEST TO DEVELOP THE LOVES WITH u know?#oc: annushka zima #GOLLY a lot of the day her father passed shaped her as a person didn’t it :’)#she needs a hug SHE NEEDS ONE.. she also wants her dad back and to wake up to her fathers k*llers d*ead but! it is what it is!#her spotify is also gives a futuristic yet dramatic and sometimes operatic and grandiose feel? that was the aesthetic I was going for?#her mom... yea. they do not have the best of relationships if u can even call the relationship between an estranged mother + daughter that #there’s a LOT of resentment to unpack there! a lot of issues to work through before there’s a sliver of a chance at reconciliation akjmsda #this got HEAVY but then again.. anya doesn’t have the happiest of stories ssakjnskd :’)#leg.txt #leg.ocs #leg.asks #her mother had publicly humiliated her in front of a large crowd for anya calling her her mother when she was 10..#then when anya lashed out her mother used her empathy powers to lessen the bad look anya was doing to her reputation... yea.#this if is SO GOOD if you check it out oh my god im so excited to hear ur thoughts.. like the LAYERS of this mc.. so good!

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dreameralive · 8 months

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i've been thinking a lot about this post and while the idea of Onision Jack Slash is incredibly funny, i wanted to do an actual dissection of what i think Earth Aleph Jack Slash would be like

i imagine that his trauma would not change since it has no relation to the existence of parahumans, so while he is not an actively dangerous person to be around due to the combination of his powers and mental state, he still has a rabid need to be in control, and a strong dislike of other people, particularly authority figures.

he is removed from his parents custody but has no murder hobos to take him in this time, so i imagine he'd experience something similar to Rachel in which he is cycled through foster homes because he's unstable in a way that is not palatable enough for the assholes to keep him around and too intense for the more genuinely well-meaning people to manage him - and where Rachel is aggressive and defiant and has a need to assert herself as the 'alpha', Jacob is too, but in the other direction. his desperate need for control would manifest in semi-similar ways that it does on Earth Bet, so he's often trying to assert dominance over the other kids via violence, and keeping them compliant and quiet by scaring them. generally, he would play the part of A Good Little Boy so he'll be kept around, however he is still as easily provoked as he is in canon, so he'd still wind up physically lashing out and being moved around a lot.

i think, eventually, he would wind up with a family that is patient enough to adopt him and get him a therapist. make no mistake, however, because while this would make him appear significantly more like a normal person than Jack Slash and make his issues somewhat more manageable, he'd still retain the meat of his problems (resentment at the feeling of helplessness/weakness) because no therapist in the world could ever get him to confront and unpack that

as an adult i imagine he's, again, pretty normal seeming. suburban house, no wife no kids, typical job (not a desk job that would make his complex fucking unbearable but something regular enough), has a garden. still visits a therapist after work (it's not helping). he's like Patrick Bateman if Patrick Bateman had a lot more self control I think (i have not seen American Psycho). completely average in every way on the outside but constantly internally monologuing about how everyone around him is weak and stupid and a cog in the machine (not him, though, he's Smart and Superior).

tl;dr:

#this is my first time posting a serious analysis about Worm so i'm kind of nervous lol #originals #speech #worm #wormblr #parahumans #jack slash #worm spoilers #child abuse

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malsperanza · 1 month

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TGCF Heaven Official's Blessing - first reread - more things I'm noticing, and how the clues hidden in plain sight work (spoilers)

It's so much fun to discover all the easter eggs. Vols. 1 and 2 are chock full of things you can't possibly remember to connect to events that happen 4 or 5 vols. later. For example, in vol. 2 (Seven Seas edition) at the end of the scene where Hua Cheng beats up Qi Rong in his cave, we learn that Qi Rong is Xie Lian's cousin. This is presented as a big reveal, and it leads us to rethink the whole scene, as we realize that Xie Lian knew all along that the perpetrator of the Gilded Banquet massacre was his own family member. This kind of reveal does two things: 1) It gives us a blueprint for how MXTX is going to unpack her story, to alert us to expect important information to be withheld and then dropped for greatest effect. 2) It distracts us from noticing what *else* might be hidden in plain sight while we're busy unpacking the supposed big reveal. Because there's probably at least one other reveal in there. So, in the cave scene, after we learn about Qi Rong, we get some backstory about him - but it's full of omissions, which we don't realize. We are told that Qi Rong was a big headache for Xie Lian even back in Xianle days. Xie Lian had to fix his messes constantly. For example: "There was even an incident where Xie Lian saved a child, not even 10 years of age, from Qi Rong's clutches. The poor boy had been beaten to a bloody pulp, miserable to the bone." (p. 260) It's only quite a lot later that we get a flashback where we see this event and learn that the child is Hua Cheng, but I did not remember that we are told about it this early. And here it's mentioned as if it's just one more small bit of bad behavior, with no consequences. In reality, it's a pivotal event in the formation of Hua Cheng. Most of that we can put together during the first read. But it's only on this reread that I now see that Qi Rong's vicious attack on a defenseless child is the central crime of his character - the most terrible, indefensible thing, done on a whim. But wait, there's more! Because a bit earlier in the cave scene, when we first see Guzi and his father, here's how he's described: "The one child in the group was probably not even ten years of age." (p. 218) In case we didn't get the parallel to HC, MXTX tells us as clearly as possible. Except we miss it because we don't realize it's important. Guzi is the same age that Hua Cheng was when Xie Lian rescued him from Qi Rong. [Edit: technically, HC is a little older, around 10, but looks much younger because his growth was stunted by maltreatment. The parallel remains intact, though.] So what's even more important is this: later, when Qi Rong adopts Guzi and very gradually becomes a real father to him, he is redeeming his original attack on the child Hua Cheng. And at the very end, If Qi Rong has a hope of regaining corporeal form, it's because he protected Guzi at his own expense, saving the child's life. Or else, even better: when he selflessly protected Guzi, perhaps for the first time in all his centuries as a ghost he stopped being resentful. Perhaps he has dissipated, and is at peace.

#Xie Lian #Hua Cheng #heaven official's blessing #tgcf #MXTX meta #MXTX is a sadist #Laugh or cry #qi rong and guzi #Connecting the dots in TCGF

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trashyreptilian · 2 years

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Man, look at these dudes- The volume. 1 dudes!!-

Yes, I'm still alive. I promise I'm not dead trust me guys please- ahfshagfgsa,, Been wanting to draw some proper ref. sheets of the boys for a while. These are the designs for any AU related content soooo get used to it hehe~

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Biographies (long read):

((If it wasn't obvious, everything you're reading below is all made up stuff for my AU. Fanon junk basically.))

-General Info-

Full Name: Mark Heathcliff

Age: 18

Height: 6'0'' ft

Gender: Male

Sex: Male

Species: Human

Homeplace: Mandela County, Wisconsin (US)

Romantic/Sexual Orientation: Greyromantic asexual

-Other Info-

Personality?: Seemingly a nonchalant type of guy, just living his life and avoiding to attract attention. Often feeling like he doesn't fit in with society or any kind of community. He's not much for showing strong emotions, not near random people at least. Typical for him to carry around an "I don't care" attitude and crack jokes during bad times, but it all serves as a means of protecting himself. Being more than aware that showing his vulnerable side to the wrong people, can possibly be used back against him. The calm exterior hides an emotionally struggling artist, who's suffered through past childhood abuse from his mother. Sometimes that pain rises to the surface and accidentally shows up through unexpected mood swings or defensive outbursts. However, Mark knows well how badly he manages his own negative emotions. This kind of heated temper only shows up when heavily provoked or felt like he's backed into a corner. He might seem like a loner, yet in actuality, he's got a few close select people they care about a lot. And, depends on, more than he'd like to admit. But solely because of that, he shows a strong willingness to go far to protect them. Even if it somehow risks his own well-being. Seen in these instances, his more assertive and bold-self comes out.

Thinks Before Acting?: It's mixed with him, either does or doesn't depending on the situation. Typically, he'll try thinking over his actions and words. Especially when he can sense a bad outcome. Though, he's far from being the most calculated guy.

Positive Traits?: Mellow, modest, imaginative, soft-hearted, protective and audacious.

Negative Traits?: Reserved, insecure, confrontational, defensive, self-destructive and resentful.

Way Of Speaking?: Can talk in two languages, the main one is American English. Has knowledge in speaking Spanish, but it's kinda subpar. Remembers mostly from the lessons he had in school. On the odd occasion only uses it around Cesar, who encourages him to improve. His voice is generally calm and soft, with no particular accent. At times, loves using a mocking or sarcastic tone. (Headcanon voice: https://youtu.be/2rHRztFGOm8?t=1)

Occupation?: Works as a stock clerk at a furniture store. Assists with unpacking delivered items, organizing the stockroom, inspecting inventory and so forth. Also, he takes overnight shifts when possible for extra cash. Of course, the entire job itself is for financial stability. Otherwise, he cares little about it. Had hoped to get into some kind of art career instead, possibly becoming a cartoonist. Sadly, he's never gotten such an opportunity as he grew up. Didn't help that he lacked complete confidence, and still does to this day. So it all remains but a little fantasy he thinks about.

Powers/Skills?: Mark being human, don't expect supernatural abilities like how alternates have. However, in his very rare case, having an alternate for a parent did unexpectedly help improve him physically, and made able to defend himself. At a younger age of sixteen, he was gifted his first weapon which was a pistol Glock 19. With help from his father, he trained in remote areas. Shooting useless items that were used as targets. Now, he's well-practiced enough in using it properly, discreetly carrying it when out at nighttime. Of course, not limited to just a pistol. He's also got a metal bat safely tucked away in his bedroom. But for as long as he's known, anything can be a weapon. In a fight, he'll manage some inventive ways to beat someone up. Not exactly a person with a strong-build, yet he makes up for endurance. Fairly fast when running, most likely to outrun anyone. The type of guy to pick his fights. Besides all that, survival skills. Learned a few tricks throughout all the times he's gone out camping. Particularly good at starting a fire. Maybe a little too good.

Hobbies?: Main hobby is drawing, pretty much remained so since he was a kid. His art style is very stylized, expressive and exaggerated. Taken inspiration from his favorite animated shows and movies. He'll usually use a regular sketchbook with a pencil and pen to draw. But he dabbles in other unique methods like graffiti, and pastel art. A more recent past time is using a camcorder. What he chooses to record is random. Can either be a quick recording of his cat, or footage of activities and ramblings. For whatever reason he just finds it relaxing. Not to mention, it's his way of better preserving memories besides taking photos. Something else he does to unwind is watch movies and TV series, or play video games. His favorite overall genre is horror and thriller. On the lighter side, he loves all stuff that's animated, comedy and adventure fiction. Also, collects merchandise related to his favored media. Considers it a luxury, so he's not gung-ho about it. While these are all things he typically does alone. Camping and exploring abandoned places, are done together with his dad. Since they can't hang out together in broad daylight, they always go out during the night. Their activities start regularly, but sometimes end in some sort of chaos when they get overboard with property ending up mysteriously ruined. Just a not so subtle clue into what exactly happens on their trips.

Habits?: Often smokes and drinks. The first one is easier for him to keep controlled, the other is an addiction. Possibly inherited from his mother. He's aware of that, yet doesn't seem to understand how poorly it could affect him in the future. Both are used when stressed or annoyed, but gravitates towards the alcohol mostly. An insomniac, his sleep schedule has been, and still is, irregular. Tends to be active out of nowhere during later hours, and taking overnight shifts doesn't help him. All coupled together, it's easy to imagine his self-care is kinda non-existent. Not to say he's lacking in it, it's out of sheer tiredness and apathy. Irritability is a rather serious tendency due to trauma, and a main fueling reason for the reliance on bad substances. It worsens when experiencing a chain of obstacles, no matter if minor or severe. There's no clear pattern as he can seem fine in the moment, yet takes but one nudge to tip him off the edge. Resulting in sudden outbursts, causing to shut himself off from others.

Relationships?: Mark's dad has remained an integral part of his life. Who's in fact a type three alternate named Him. It's been the only one he's ever looked up to and known as family. Same impersonator was supposed to replace his biological father. It never happened as the target left Mark at a very early age before anything transpired. Sadly, living with an abusive mother got him in a worse vulnerable state. So getting attached to something inhuman, but loving, shouldn't be so surprising. Their growing bond continued while no one else had a clue. He has never cared that it's an alternate. Despite how much he's unintentionally seen and heard it lash out onto other alternates. Its raw wrathful nature is no secret. He looks past it as a means of protection. Many times he has wished he could be as reliable, strength-wise. Since Him's the single father, best friend and role-model he's ever had, he sees it in high regards. Mark would go to Hell and back for it, if need be. The relationship is far from perfect, both struggle to communicate sometimes. Opening up emotionally is hard too. For Him it's worse but as they say, like father like son. They stay silent of all this, safety's sake and to avoid unwanted attention. Living together in a little run-down apartment. Interacting with an alternate for nearly his whole childhood didn't make Mark the most sociable person. Frequently having trouble socializing, he gave up trying to befriend people his age. At some point he simply preferred being on his own. However, one real person managed to start a friendship with him. Cesar Torres. He and Mark were both young teens around the same age when they met. Cesar was a couple of months older. His outgoing personality had Mark spooked. He had little faith they'd be friends for how opposite they appeared. Took a while when he gave him a chance, once he felt like Cesar's character was genuine. They've grown close as friends over the years, Mark still remains secretive on a lot of stuff happening in his life. Usually for understandable reasons, but Cesar would appreciate to be trusted better. Nonetheless, they get along great. Both admire certain qualities the other has which they don't themselves. They enjoy pissing each other off until someone breaks. Random screaming matches over absolutely nothing have happened before. More than once, and only keep becoming more hectic. Moving back into otherworldly beings. Due to Mark's bond with an alternate, a certain figure grew interested in figuring out more about the two. After one major event, a series of unusual circumstances followed suit. Which then led to meeting a theraangel, Xanthan. When their first proper interaction went on, there was nerve-wracking tension. He wasn't sure what to make of them or what his intentions were. A lot of convincing was needed to earn Mark's trust. Managed having a mutual respect as they bonded over certain grievances each had. Later on a different date a bit, Xanthan becomes his guardian angel. Part of a deal made with Him. Solely of this guardianship, they find more things in common and have a deeper understanding of one another. In particular, their connection with art helps them be more open. Slowly Mark views them like a mentor. Maybe even as another father figure. Seeing how he appreciated his longer life experience, he'd seek out advice from him alone on the rare instance. Very few people manage to break down all the walls Xanthan puts up, and Mark was one of them. He proved to be pretty, consistently, insistent in making that guy part of his little family. Speaking of enemies, there's none to directly define as such for Mark. Besides perhaps, some people during his earlier years growing up, and few real family members he's distanced away from. None of them honestly fit such a defining label as "enemy". Yet, that doesn't mean he won't make adversaries in the future.

================================================

((Cesar's bio is yet to be done. Please hold.))

#best friend au #alternate universe #au interpretations #mandela catalogue #the mandela catalogue #mark heathcliff #cesar torres #my art

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captainofthetidesbreath · 5 months

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i might be mistaken and so sorry if i am but i’m pretty sure you made a post about the “annoying selfish punk” tendencies that ashton has and was wondering if you could go a little bit more into what you mean by it? i love ashton so much but punk subculture is something i have no experience with and the premise of that post was really interesting

I did write that post! My thoughts on that are largely informed by the fact that my sister and her partner and many of her friends are in The Scene. I am not part of the subculture, but I am adjacent to it in a way where I know a lot of punks.

The short of what I meant there—and the long version is long—is that punk subculture has a lot going for it and has many philosophical virtues and ideals. However, the (for lack of a better word) energy of the subculture does have a tendency to attract many people for the wrong reasons who do otherwise uphold those values, just as it does in many other subcultures and groups, especially those subcultures built around improving social conditions or in response to suffocating conditions like punk is.

To be clear, before I launch into the whole thing: I do not think that all of this applies to Ashton. I'm just unpacking my experiences in the kinds of punks who are very self-centered in frustrating ways. It's a type that Ashton overlaps with and has SOME things in common with, enough to make them also very frustrating in a well-developed way, but not all of this applies to them.

A number of people in the scene are attracted to it because they simply want to defer responsibility for dissatisfaction in their lives or because they are trying to validate this feeling that they've been kept from something by someone else. Notice that these feelings are very similar to what Ashton expresses drove them to make the decision to take the shard: wanting someone else to blame, wanting to feel robbed. The subculture attracts people who center themselves and their personal grievances in this way alongside people who genuinely center the community-oriented ideals of punk. They're punk because they're trying to settle a score more than they're interested in improving things for everyone, uplifting community, etc.

Like any space that champions the virtues of community-centered values and fighting against structural oppression, punk also attracts some who value Being Seen doing something virtuous much more than they value ensuring that meaningful, important, constructive work is done. Being more invested in being Seen fighting The Man to the point that you resent less visible and rewarding but important solidarity and support work is selfish and self-centered. This attitude is not limited to punks, not at all, but punk has its folks who are there just to be self-righteous and holier-than-thou. There's a decent number of punks one very much feels compelled to remind that this should be out of love for people and community, not out of love for the fight, because many are drawn to punk in search of an excuse to be combative and break things and start fights (as opposed to doing that to defend and advance against oppression).

It has its share of people too who engage in the scene because they want to feel superior to Normies. So, they go to punk shows and listen to punk music and do it all because they're pretentious and want to feel superior.

The genuine ideals of punk about hope and community and joy and uplifting one another and raging against the structural oppression of the world are very real, even if they take forms often more varied, difficult, messy, and polarizing across history than many on Tumblr and Twitter care to admit. But, at least from my experience from my proximity to people in the scene, it also attracts people who want to be seen as Important, or want to feel like someone else kept them from being Special, or want to be validated in their self-righteousness. Some will claim that these kinds of people are not ACTUALLY punk, but No True Scotsman is a fallacy for punks too since these are very much people who like punk music, engage in the scene, and even participate in community action and upholding of other punk values—but they are doing so for self-centered, selfish, self-aggrandizing, self-flattering reasons. And they are frustrating and insufferable people.

I wrote that post after 3.74: "Roots Between Worlds", but we can see that a lot of the same sentiments I've said here are echoed in Ashton's assessment of their own behavior in 3.78: "Fractured", and all those things he said is exactly why I said what I said how there are some punks who are frustratingly self-centered.

#CR spoilers #Critical Role things #This is nonrebloggable bc not being super glowing about punk is a touchy subject on this website.

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therese-lokidottir · 1 year

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Do you think volstagg needed to touch Loki's neck (Adam apple) in order to threaten him. Isn't verbally threatening a prince a crime?

2nd question: what do you think of the warriors 3 and sif?

Well, no it wasn't necessary, but there is so much unpack here

It's really easy to view Sif and the Warriors Three as the mean kids picking on outsider and say they are just jerks, but I would say there are way more layers to characters. If you are going to take Loki's own perspective and motives into account it's only fair to take theirs as well.

Remember after the Jotunheim battle Sif makes the accusations that Loki is plotting, Hogun's quick to agree, but Fandral actually defended Loki and Volstagg, if somewhat begrudgingly, admitted that Loki telling the guard was the right thing to do. Sif and Hogun are kinda right for the wrong reasons. Loki did set this whole thing into motion and it was in part due to jealousy. We the audience know it's more than that and Loki did not intend for this to happen, but from their perspective it looks super suss when it seems like Loki intentionally set Thor up to fall only for the next time they see him for him to be on the throne.

Yes, they are the ones who committed treason when they went to earth to get Thor. But they went behind Loki's back and he tried to kill them. Technically they are the ones who betrayed him, but anyone would feel a little burned after a murder attempt.

I would say Thor 2011 is a tragedy where everyone on Asgard made mistakes that lead to the events of the film. Sif and the Warriors Three all put the glory of battle and their devotion to Thor over actually thinking things through and considering what's truly the right thing to do. But I don't think that makes any of them bad people.

Like, the flaw with them in all this is they never take the time to understand Loki and that's what makes everything worse. But they're never really given Loki's full perspective so it's not like they have the chance to really reconcile with what happened and reconsider their actions. They're just mad Loki tried to kill them and they still prioritize that devotion to Thor over everything else. TDW they once again comment a treason for Thor. Just this time it's directly against Odin. Right or wrong their devotion is to Thor.

Now to Fandral's credit he doesn't seem to hold much of a grudge even if he doesn't think Loki should be trusted. So, I think canonically Fandral is the nicest person to Loki as he is never resentful or manipulative.

So there's obviously a lot of conflict between Sif and Loki and it's never explained what that's all about. But I would say I think Sif has a lot of noble qualities. Those episodes of AoS were able to show off plenty of positive qualities Sif. She was very respectful of Coulson and his team and was willing to work with them. We've seen the æser really look down on humans, but Sif never does. She even agreed not to tell Thor Coulson was alive because that was something he wanted to do himself.

So, Sif and the warriors three. I'd say they're flawed but not bad.

#asks #Thor 2011 #fandral #hogun #volstagg #sif #lady sif #the warriors three

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