#so ive been told by my first psychiatrist
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having ADHD is fucking miserable brother.
like i actually hate how trendy it is to pretend to have it bc its ruining so much of my life bc i literally cannot fucking function.
I literally cannot do anything because i cant fucking focus or complete a task that NEEDS to be done.
I literally cant get the help for it I need bc its so hard and expensive to get the right people for it!
#it also doesnt help i probably cant be medicated for it bc i have ptsd and bipolar PLUS asd so the medications tend to fuck with eachother#so ive been told by my first psychiatrist#but like i feel like so much would be fixed if i could just FOCUS#im so worked up rn bc its so frustrating#PLUS being afab means im fcuking lucky if im taken seriously at all!!!#i mean i literally had a PSYCHIATRIST care more abt if im sexually active enough for my husband bc if im not he wont let me continue my#mood stabilizers#how fucking insane is that!#how many times can i say literally
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Why do so many psychiatrists love to gaslight. Okay, Hannibal Lecture.
If I had a nickel for every time a psychiatrist straight up told me lies I would have too fucking many and that's a problem.
#like first a psychiatrist tells me my seizures r psychological BECAUSE of my history of Forbidden Disorder and anxiety#and then they get worse and its clearly epilepsy and im on meds now and my condition was neglected bc a misdiagnosis based on stigma#and then now im like hey so i am still struggling with Forbiden Dissociative Disorder can i get some resources or a mf therapist rec#and this psych straight up tells me DID isn't a diagnosis anymore (I FOUND NO EVIDENCE OF THIS CLAIM BTW)#AND tells me my amnesia is bc of seizures.... LIKE I LIVE IN MY BODY AND U HAVE LITERALLY ONLY SPOKEN TO ME VIA PHONE#IDK I THINK I KNOW MYSELF A LITTLE MORE THAN YOU DO FUCKING JEFF#and i know the mf difference between switching and and HAVING A SEIZURE like???#those r very different things. like ik theres different kinds of seizures but for ME theres just no comparing theyre 2 different things😭#there is a clear difference between me collapsing and becoming unresponsive on the floor like a fish outta water#and me telling people to call me a different name and having completely separate identities that others notice. and i cant remember#and like ive dealt with it all long enough that I'm aware and can communicate w my alters n stuff and i have to to function#and for YEARS since highschool its been like. i talk to professionals and theyre like hm yea u basically would meet all requirements#however u might as well not get diagnosed bc no one wants to deal w that.#LIKE IVE LITERALLY BEEN TOLD THAT MULTIPLE TIMES ALMOST EXACT WORDS#and i hate how i know fake claiming being a public thing has rlly fucked w peoples perception of did n stuff#idk im so fuckin pissed man. reverting to my will graham era i fucking guess
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scrolling through instagram and it's making me want to die
#i know instagram doesn't represent ppls real lives#but that doesnt change the fact that i don't have many friends who care about me#and almost everyone my year is graduating and celebrating#i am so fucking lonely. i don't think any of my school friends miss me#24 days self-harm free but i might say fuck it and relapse tonight#why though? i guess i just need some way to express how im feeling inside. or maybe it's to punish myself or because im feeling worthless#it's been over a year now since i first reached out to professionals for help for this depressive episode#over a year and im still as lost as ever. i know im doing so much better than i was but i still feel so awful every single day#i feel like i still need to be doing a lot better before i can go back to school#i feel so stuck and hopeless. i know I've made so much progress but i don't feel as if ill be able to make anymore progress#i feel like I've hit a wall and ive tried everything#my therapist told me to just keep eating sleeping and getting movement in everyday and be patient#ive been going on walks every day for like 2 weeks now and i dont feel any difference#seeing my psychiatrist wednesday and im hoping she will have an idea of what to do#i hope it's not just slightly adjusting my meds or even just trying a different antidepressant (not many left i haven't tried)#i also worry that im not bad enough for more intensive treatments like ECT or ketamine#if she tells me that i just need more therapy or another group i might just fucking end it#idk like i kinda feel like im fine and there's nothing wrong with me but at the same time i always am feeling so fucking depressed#i have had so much improvement but honestly part of me wishes i was still actively suicidal#idk what to do
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Ya boi got a new medicine and a therapist.
#i had another psychiatrist appointment after a year! (i tend to neglect my mental health)#ive been dealing with a lot of paranoid thoughts and shit and so i told her#and she decided to put me on abilify#one of my friends takes abilify! we'll be abilify buddies#and ive realized that i need therapy#ive had a lot of shit happen to me in the last few years#and ive just been ignoring it instead of dealing with it#and now i cant ever sit alone with my thoughts because all of that shit comes to haunt me#i just dont know how to deal with it on my own#and for awhile i swore i would never go back to therapy. because my first therapist was a piece of shit#'just get used to the fact that your best friend might die so that it doesnt hurt so much if it happens' -about my suicidal best friend#'think about what your mom's going through' -about my transphobic mom who made me want to kill myself#but i realized that my life and mental state is only going to get worse if i dont deal with the shit ive got going on#and when i called to schedule. i just called for the first available therapist. and the guy said 'oh she'll be perfect for you'#and i trust this man that ive never met#i looked up the therapist. she seems lovely#she better be because i have like four appointments scheduled. the man on the phone did that so i wouldnt lose out on any appointments#he was very kind#im glad im gonna get some help. still scared. but looking forward to it
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#want him. badly. miyoni akita my beloved#hes $15 and $15 too expensive for us rn lol but hopefully ill be able to get him soon!!!#i have a snaps application so maybe thatll help ease the financial burden a little bit#im home from the hospital btw. worst 28 hours of my life#there was a guy screaming at the nurses and calling them the n word and the t slur and threatening to attack ppl#i wasnt allowed to close my door and this happened in the room next to mine#they eventually had to sedate him#but it was bad even leaving that part out#they said they gave me a medication they never did#they never called my mental health team like at all. libby had to tell my therapist i was in the hospital#theyre supposed to keep you a minimum of 72 hours but let me go next day#the only book that wasnt like the last book in a series that i havent read was fucking nuts#had two graphic suicides in the first chapter then had child r*pe in it like graphically#i didnt really go watch the tv in the lobby cause of that guy#so i sat in a tiny room with no windows and just laid there#the first psychiatrist i saw was evil like questioned all my diagnosis and told me i shouldnt have ptsd from chikdhood issues#like it shouldnt still be effecting me#she also tried to take away my plushie but the nice nurses stood up for me so i got to keep moonmoon with me#ive been really not myself since i got out#ive been really angry and short tempered#i have nightmares about being in a cage#if im being completely honest i almost think i feel worse now then i did before#but im just going to keep it all to myself cause i never ever want to go back#so if anyone asks im feeling much better and im perfectly fine :) lol
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mutual 1: got in a car accident today didnt have time to masturbate bc i had to exchange insurance info with the other guy but i think i have a chance of hooking up with him bc he drove a ford
mutual 2: call me throat cancer the way peter tork could get it
mutual 3: (500 reblogs of a robert de niro/martin scorsese yaoi photoshop edit)
mutual 4: i think love will always be there. even when you wish it werent. (gif of rotating monkeys)
mutual 5: breaking news stephen stills stopped taking estradiol because it made him experience menopause symptoms
mutual 6: who would be the first member of the beastie boys to get an abortion i vote ad rock
mutual 7: (web weaving post dedicated to descriptions of nonsexual intimacy in an air fryer instruction manual)
mutual 8: heres a link to my google drive containing every single article on jstor its continuously updated but please DM me if ive missed one.
mutual 9: (poll) my psychiatrist told me i might be the cause for my relationship issues with the elderly gay couple ive been practicing bdsm with should i kill the psychiatrist or myself?
mutual 10: giys im scared
mutual 11: trent reznor has never washed his pussy but id still eat it every day #feminist
mutual 12: went for a walk and got some coffee. the sun is shining, children are playing on the street and life is wonderful
mutual 13: drafting my suicide note while on hold with the bank rn
mutual 14: (photo of the most gorgeous plate of food imaginable) quick dinner tonight! didnt have time to sous vide the quail so i opted for a quick braise - still turned out delicious!
mutual 15: sooo.... apparently my city has been cursed with an eternal night for like 3 years and i didnt notice? kinda gerardcore if you u ask me..
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This is the third time ive signed up for a free mental health service ive been referred to and immediately hung up the phone during intake because apparently this one awful woman just runs every single mental health service in my city and i immediately recognize her voice because ill never forget how angry i was that during the first time she ever did an intake with me years ago for a CBT program and asked what mental illnesses i had and when i told her she interrogated me for almost 20 minutes saying i didnt act like i had them enough despite having an official diagnosis from my psychiatrist, she lied to me about the program being non-theistic, and also the entire model of the program was just so harmful and didnt practice harm reduction at all, the entirety of the psychiatric institution eat shit and die please.
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I joined the hobby with my sister in early 2003. We both got our first dolls at the same time but I hated my doll (she arrived blank) and I decided to not join the hobby because I hated the doll so much. My sister stayed active, but passed away in 2016, in which I got my first doll back when they were passing the inheritance and arranging everything. That was my reintroduction into the doll hobby, to connect with my sister in a way.
Enjoyed making friends with people in the community, generally found the community peaceful and positive. I liked playing and taking pictures of my dolls and was interested in trying OC and the biographies people posted because it looked fun.
in 2022 the rest of my family passed away in a car crash. Its been difficult for me to accept this and I keep going into states of "if this" or "if that", and I tried to connect to the hobby but I couldnt escape reality. It didnt help that my fathers side of the family were relentlessly trying to put a conservatorship on me, have me put in a mental hospital and seize control of me, my assets and finances forcing me to go to a psychiatrist and take medication just so I can have freedom and avoid them.
I decide to try and cheer myself by going to a doll event on holiday and get a chance on a doll that is coveted by a niche in the community, as in limited to a few dolls a year that you can only get in person in a certain location on certain dates by a lottery. This is a doll Ive been obsessed with getting, having won two YJA auctions for her (you arent supposed to buy them secondhand or sell them), only to have the sellers always refund the proxy. I won this doll, on my first lottery entry and I feel nothing.
I met two people and one was extremely kind, and the other that I thought I had a connection with was just disappointing to meet in person. Gossiping about people the whole time, including the person that was also there with us, always talking about why they were better than so and so because they did x. Talked about entering the lottery many times but always losing and not to get my hopes up because they dont pick nonresident foreigners. She also suggested I bring in someone to increase my chances, but I said I wanted to play fair and she shocked me when she said good answer; like it was a trick suggestion or she was waiting for an aha moment.
The pure anger on her face when I was called the winner, and then the comment about them picking the lottery winner like I was supposed to feel bad that I was picked instead of randomly chosen was weird to me. I just brushed it off as me being paranoid. Its not jealousy of the doll, but I think anger that they picked someone she saw as unworthy (me). She even called me a whale, but I just ignored the comment because I know Im not even remotely chubby back then.
Then she said something about how maybe this was the universe giving me a present because my whole family passed away a few months ago (at that time). This was the first time I told someone in the hobby about my familys passing and I felt completely emptied? deflated? by the comment. They may have not meant it to be negative, but I felt repulsed. TBH, I havent even taken the doll out of the box since getting her because I keep remembering that comment made. They probably didnt mean much, but it stuck to me. I cant even look at the doll's box without feeling sick. I just remembered this because its been a year + and I saw someone being annoyed that a oneoff winner didnt post an opening even though its been a few months, and now I feel worse because its been a year of her in the box.I was just waiting until I felt happy again so I can at least have the box opening be special. I dont know what to do because that comment; the universe giving me a doll in return of my whole family dying? I cant disassociate it and I wish I never met that person because I feel like it has made the doll hobby unenjoyable to me, but I also know its unreasonable to think this way because Ive met so many that are so nice and kind. I think Im reading into the comment more than its worth. I honestly feel pathetic for letting it affect me this much.
Sorry for writing all of this. I just wanted to get it out of my chest so I can maybe get back to normal. My friends dont like listening to this, because Im a man and am supposed to be more mature, and I also dont like holding on to anger, and I dont usually do, but I feel angry and sad all the time, when I know I should be grateful because I have a lot of blessings. Some might know who I am, and I hope they dont take it as a sign of me needing help, and more of just me venting if they read all of this, that my disinterest in a lot of things isnt them, its just Im not back to normal and I want to be.
~Anonymous
Mod: I'm so sorry anon, you've been through so much. 💗
This person sounds insecure and jealous and imo you should dismiss everything they said to you, it was not coming from a good place. You deserve to have joy and happiness in your life.
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ermm first post ,, but i gen need sum advice for this !! i believe im physically disabled to some degree , and dont know for certain how long my pain / fatigue / balance issues have been present , but i know that my pain has been unmanageable for almost a yr 1/2 now , and ive been using my cane for a year .
my mother does not let me use my cane , but i have a folding hurrycane that i saved up for quite some time in order to get . i use my cane at school and when i hang out with friends , but not at the grocery store / other stores with my mom .
my mother does not believe in doctors , as her veteranship has given her a " new socks + ibuprofen " attitude . the adults in my life believe i am being dramatic , but not that im faking . so after countless months of begging and reminding , i finally have a physical appointment this monday ( dec 11 , 23 ) . my need for advice is how do i get a doctor to take me seriously ??
i havent been to the doctor since i was ten , and that was because it was required , as i had moved into a new school district . that was my last physical , and the first time i ever remember going to the doctor ( that is not the dentist , optometrist , or psychiatrist ) .
below is a descriptive explanation of my pain , fatigue , and balance issues and how they ' ve affected my life , just in case theyre needed .
my pain may have been present all my life , and due to familial issues , i cannot fully understand my genetic history .
anypoo ,,, my pain is most present in my major joints ( ankles , knees , hips , and shoulders ) , but is also present in minor joints ( fingers and toes ) , back , neck , and the base of my skull . these areas always in pain , and i always notice it . my most sensitive areas are my knees , hips , and traps ( neck / base of skull ) , and my legs start to hurt ( worse ) / feel unstable without support . i cannot shower because my knees will give out , and i have completely switched over from using the stairs to using the elevator because i have often fallen down them .
my fatigue sets in before school lets out ( around noon ) , and often keeps me from working , walking for long periods of time , eating , and other activites . often when i get home , i have no energy left for anything else . i just sit in bed and fall asleep at 8 . i am failing nearly all my classes because i have not had my vyvanse in 9 months , and my brainfog is intense .
i am very unsteady without support , causing me to rely on my cane more than i should , resulting in more shoulder pain from putting too much weight into it . i have looked into rollators and forearm crutches , but none of those can be used around my mother without reasonable diagnosis . at home , i use the furniture to support me , and often crawl up the stairs ( townhome problems . ) and if im not , i rely on the handrails to practically pull me up , resulting in ... MORE SHOULDER PAIN .
i just want this to end . i told myself id be mad at my mom if what i have is curable , but id be even more mad if its chronic . i used to be in marching band , and i was cut from marching due to my pain genuinely affecting how i marched . i love walking , i walk everywhere . i love so many things ive had to give up , and i fear the doctor will just tell me to exercise more instead of giving me concrete answers .
any and all help would be appreciated :-(
#physically disabled#physical disability#invisible disability#chronic illness#chronically ill#chronic pain#chronic fatigue#disabled#cripplepunk#cripple punk#cpunk#crip punk
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i had such a bad chemo infusion today. the nurse was super rough with the iv, moving it around a lot while he was pumping it, because there was no "flash back" of blood (apparently they can tell the iv is in the vein if blood is drawn back into the iv) but he kept saying he was "confident" it was in the vein as the saline wasn't pooling so he went ahead with the injection even after i voiced concerns maybe two or three times (like something clearly was not working. i even asked him to tape down the iv because the movement was hurting and he said he couldn't). first the infusion began leaking on my skin and he just said "that will be fine" and wiped it up and kept going even though i've been told that while the infusion is good to be injected as it fights the cancer it is toxic (nurses have to put on protective gear before handling it and i can't even kiss my husband for a week because the trace amounts in body fluids are toxic to people not on chemo). every time i've had this infusion they say it should NOT hurt and if it does they'll stop immediately. so he is injecting it and i say it hurts and he goes "oh that's normal," and i stop him again and he says it's normal for it to irritate the veins. at that point i got him to re-poke me somewhere else because it hurt too much. finally another nurse did it and it was fine
idk i guess i just needed to vent about this. healthcare people are on the whole much nicer in the cancer world than elsewhere (i've dealt with a lot of mental health care and that's pretty dire). but i feel like i'm getting repeatedly dismissed. something hurts and they go "oh thats fine. that's normal" and keep going. even when i got my second biopsy, the freezing didn't work fully and when i said it hurt, i could feel it, the nurse just said "don't worry we're almost done" even though just before i had been told that if i could feel ANYTHING they would stop and refreeze. last week when i saw the oncologist i said i was nauseous two weeks after my chemo infusion and he just said "that's not supposed to happen it's probably just heartburn" when like, idk if it is or isn't supposed to happen but it IS HAPPENING! i'm super nauseous! and they keep just saying "oh that's odd!" when before this whole thing they told me that if i ever felt too nauseous they would definitely help out. and when i said earlier this week i was feeling too unwell to get my infusion because i had a cold the nurse i spoke to just said "it won't matter, chemo won't impact your ability to heal" while the oncologist an hour later said it WOULD impact my ability to heal and i should postpone until i feel well enough.
it's just really hard. i have such a hard time advocating for myself, and it feels like every time i do, by saying i'm in pain or nauseous or uncomfortable, the nurse or doctor i'm seeing just goes "i don't think that's a big deal i'm just going to continue with what i was doing." like everyone is for the most part really nice to me (which is a big difference. in mental healthcare, they are not nice to you lol) and i'm also so fortunate to be able to get treatment especially so soon after being diagnosed. but it just keeps happening!! i will say the cancer psychiatrist i'm seeing is the nicest and most understanding psychiatrist i've ever seen which is something
#tw healthcare#tw health#if anyone needs a different tw please let me know#anything about cancer i will for the most part put behind a read more#i don't have a lot of irl people to talk to so i find it helps to express myself here
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hiiiiiiii we havent sent you any asks for some time. mostly because kanra didnt front much
[idk if you can recognize us after all the url changes]
ereyesterday our their of pissed suggested getting into an outpatient psychward and told us to think about it. and silver[headmate] made a post on the tumbler saying that this could be a bad idea because somewhat recently i made a hole in a wall and less than a week ago Lyra messed up a cupboard. as if we're the only ones who on occasion damage stuff when angered. this is literally so mean for no reason.
also. a few months ago shinra had an accident with a knife. and we got a fun new 1 inch long scar and possibly a little bit of nerve damage or something. and we were supposed to get some reminder tetanus shot around a month after that since i had no idea when was my previous tetanus shot. and i uhhhhhhh didn't get it since i'm scared of doctors, and it would probably seem quite weird if i went to a doctor about this now
also im sorta balding but. scared of doctors so cant do anything about that
last sunday i was in some social studies class or some other shit. and the teacher said something about how lgbt people were never oppressed in this country. which is a very bold thing to say as someone living in a country in which like a quarter of the area declared itself a "lgbt free zone" and only calmed down a little when the european onion told them that that's probably illegal. and i decided to argue with the teacher a bit. one of the things she said was that sometimes there's dudes in pup masks on pride parades, which invokes disgust and thus should be banned, and. idk why but i kinda expected teachers to have a bit more common sense than 14 year old twitter users. also i came to school wearing a spiked dog collar on a regular basis. [for reasons unrelated to kink.]
well. good thing i'm failing every single one of my classes lmao. at least i won't be invoking disgust in fragile old ladies
also. i just met a doggy and he was very niceys. very soft and friendly. and polite also.
- toby
HOW COULD I NOT RECOGNIZE U MY BESTIE IN CHRIST <3 u changed ur url a binch of times but ur icon remained the same sdlfndnfkjsnsdf so i was able to keep track!
i however do not understand a single word of that first paragraph. if u want my advice, DO NOT. FUCKING GO. TO A PSYCH WARD!!!!! idfc Who it helped, it hurts a lot more than it helps, theres NO WAY to tell which psych wards are good and which are shit. no really let me go thru them all rn:
REFERRALS: most professionals that work in different offices do not know each other on a personal level and may never hear of their bad stories. a doctor that was the chillest coolest doctor id ever met referred me to a psychiatrist that sucked fucking ass shit. there is no way to know for sure
GOOGLE REVIEWS: im gonna b real i dont trust some of those mfs. you seen the guys that go into psych wards? a lot of mentally ill people r internalizers and just accept whatever happens to them, and even if they arent, society looks down on the mentally ill SO MUCH that they could b told "you deserve this bc ur crazy" and due to all this societal gaslighting, theyd agree
REVIEWS ON OTHER WEBSITES: same thing lol
why is this so important? because you cannot Fucking leave a psych ward. an outpatient ward yeah you can leave, but ive been to both in and outpatient and they excert the same level of bullshit control over their patients. in outpatient, one of the therapist told me "you are not mentally ill" and made me cry lol. she MEANT to mean it in a "you're not mentally ill, you're ~suffering from a mental illness~ uwu dont let ur disorder define you" kinda way, but that concept was introduced in therapy..... two days after she told me this. like hello? and then she tried to spin it as like, it was a problem with Me i.e. My PTSD Was Triggered and not She Is Dog Shit At Timing The Explaining Of Concepts.
this place also invited my abuser into group therapy even after me incessantly telling them "this is my abuser, she will use all this against me" and yeah guess what she did immidiatley after lol
dont go to wards.
WRT THE KNIFE: damn :0 thats insane dude, hopefully the nerve damage will heal but from experience its gonna take like, a few years at minimum lmao. i had a Knife Incident involving my pinky and the nerve damage was so bad that i couldnt hold scissors w my pinky in the scissor loop thing but evenchually it got better but it took like 4 years. if the knife was clean and not rusty ur risk of tetanus is pretty low i THINK, do not quote me on this. if ur scared of doctors, look into if ur pharmacy offers tetanus shots! some pharmacies have vaccinations other than flu and covid (which i need 2 get lol rip) so u might be able to get one THERE and not see A Doctor about it!
u dont need a doctor for the balding. minoxidil my dear boy, its at walmart, its the stuff thats in rogaine. you want "minoxidil 5%" thats whats in rogaine, theres "minoxidil 3%" thats For Girls but idk ive never heard of anyone having a problem w it. IT IS TOXIC TO CATS THOUGH IT IS VERY VERY TOXIC TO CATS IF YOU HAVE A CAT DO NOT LET THEM FUCKING TOUCH YOU OR RUB ON YOU UNTIL IT DRIES ok? :) id google more if i were u but boom. problem solved. i am the doctor now
"dog masks invoke disgust and should be banned" babygirl disgust is subjective and like, someone could use that logic to ban whatever YOU like, or Are. maybe someone is really disgusted by lil old ladies bc the wrinkles look gross as fuck to them. should we quarrantine the grandmas?
also lol at the dig against 14 year old internet puritans and then surprise surprise guess what happened on This Very Blog while this ask was sitting n collecting dust!! i gotta b on my best behavior bc theres a nonzero chance that The Feds will be looking at this blog (did u know u dont report cybercrime to local police and instead theres a form on the fbi's website? Well Now You Know!) and that goes 4 all of u too. bart please be good..... for the love of GOD please be good....... please tell me yall know that simpsons scene
also also yay doggy!! was it a regular dog or a dude in a pup mask? either way very fun n cool!!!
#wasks#4 everyone else: im gonna turn asks back on but no anons for a lil while <3#kanranon#missed u bestie!!!!! i was wondering when ud send another ask#tho ig ur not kanra ur toby sdjnksjdsndf but either way!! a message !!!
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Personally we block anti-endos far more often for racism, ableism, and misinformation. The amount of anti-endos who have blatantly said that other culture's spiritual beliefs are made-up bullshit, that think psychiatrists are infallible gods and that psychiatric abuse isn't a big deal, and spread misinformation about how DID forms so that they can gatekeep people is wild
pretty sure this falls under *checks notes* being a dick. which i said i block 8/10 anti endos i see for being.
whats your point here?
well
i think i know what your point is
if i just said that i blocked 8/10 anti endos i see for being a dick, you would agree with that
but when i said i also block 8/10 pro endos i see for ableism, racism, and misinfo, you now dont agree with my previous statement. not because we disagree on many anti endos sucking, but because you think pro endos... are better.
which, well, id ask you take a look at this big long post i made about in group and out group mentality. its based on the stuff i was learning in my psych class.
a quote that sums up what i think about this whole thing youve said here is 'if you engage with pro-endogenics you will see the worst of anti-endogenics, and if you engage with anti-endogenics you will see the worst of pro-endogenics.'
i think everyone sucks because i exist outside of this in group and out group mentality. i engage with people, not labels, i dont care whether someone calls themselves whatever stance provided they arent bitter horrible people. which means, i engage with pro endos and therefore see the worst of anti endos. and i engage with anti endos and therefore see the worst of pro endos
the difference between the 8/10 pro endos i block versus the 8/10 anti endos is the flavour of sucking they tend to do. the common thread here? all of these people are heavily involved in discourse, and that generally makes someone pretty unpleasant.
discourse, in group out group mentalities, and group conformity turns people into fucking horrible people. sure, not all of us, but every single person who is so strongly attached to a discourse position that anyone outside of it is horrible and anyone inside of it isnt are the exact sort of 8/10 i block
just
look
i cooked my dad dinner, ate it with him tonight. he told me how he went to a japanese restaurant last night and wants to try some japanese cooking. we made plans to cook together
after he showed me this tech project he did. he was coding some different speeds for fans for my mom's biltong making. it was his first time using the program c, and he showed me the whole process.
he showed me how he was able to convert some ratios in three lines. i found out that the program he used before, assembler i think, was only able to divide and times by two. we had a laugh as my brain broke, trying to figure out how someone would even begin to tackle that problem
after he was done there and he gave a demo of everything he had explained in practice, i went to my nan's attached granny flat. i asked if she wanted to watch 10 more minutes of that sam i am movie she wanted to watch with me. we decided we're going to take it in chunks
i got us some wine and some cheese and crackers and we ended up watching for about half an hour before i had to tap out. i do think its a beautiful movie-- i just get a lot of second hand embarrassment when watching it and its kind of painful. but i love my nan and i love watching it with her
ive gotten into cooking a lot recently. not been able to do it as much as id like, ive been sick, but ive been falling in love with it. i want to start growing my own veggies soon
tomorrow, my brother's disability support worker is coming for the first shift. hes a chef and i asked my mom if he could ever do a shift with me to teach me how to cook. she said not yet when i brought it up first, because she doesnt want my brother to feel like im taking his support worker from him.
and earlier he was freaking out because he has a five hour shift tomorrow with this guy. he doesnt think he can handle being around someone for five hours. so i suggested that the support worker could teach me how to cook if james doesnt want to do something with him
and my brother calmed down immediately, it was a huge weight off my back, and im so so excited for tomorrow.
why the ramble?
because we all live
every single person around you is also just living a life as vivid and complex as your own. even the people i block because i think theyre stupid and they rub me the wrong way.
and i think people are worthy of compassion and respect and care regardless of what judgements you make about them
its not that people cant be bad or you have to have them in your life or that its wrong to debate or argue or vent about what they do. its just
i dont know
i find it kinda ridiculous youre in here defending pro endos by saying you generally see anti endos who are worse. of course you do, youre pro endo, youre surrounded by many pro endos because thats your community. you see a lot more of them than i do, i only really see the assholes that get 5 minutes of fame in syscourse. same with anti endos. theres probably a lot, lot more pro/anti endos that did not make it into my 8/10 statistic because i dont even know theyre pro or anti endo, because it doesnt come up and theyre not insufferable people
i just
i just find syscourse so ridiculous now
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its almost going to be 10 years since i was sa’ed. and im still trying to find a justification for it and trying to figure out who really was to blame.
did i ask for it? i remember being a bit daring because i thought he was bluffing. but it happened. and i remember a lot of it vividly. some of it feels like the blurriness of a dream.
im still trying to understand. but im only understanding nothing. he insulted every other girl in that cul-de-sac. he insulted my sibling and called them ugly. he made dirty jokes a lot. but he called me beautiful. and on the day , he made a bet with me. if i performed the act he requested , he would give me candy or money. i dont remember which it was. during the incident , he still called me beautiful , and called me baby.
sa is a criminal act. you can go to jail for it. but he was 12 or 13. i do not know if a kid so young who did it to a 10 year old girl would have gotten in trouble. i had no proof myself to present to anyone. and i laughed off a friend at the time who told me i need to talk to someone.
ive said his name , but it may have come off as like a name of endearment. especially regarding my comments of how i cant exactly let him go , even though i have an indescribable hatred of him. his name was angel. i hate that i still remember that , even after all these years.
the incident has only left me thinking for the past year or so to just give my body up for others pleasures. i think that's all im worth. ive been gr00med as well , by adults online. and i will not be surprised when i get four letter r worded one day. im expecting it.
i cant let myself fall in love because im afraid to encounter someone like him again. i want to be loved , not used.
it feels so paralyzing. each time i think about it my freeze response is triggered. each time i want to say something about it , it feels like i lose my ability to speak or type. the flashbacks have been terrifying. i cant escape it. the memories lead to shaking and feeling very hot and embarrassed , and his touch comes back. there's no possible way to distract myself anymore from the memories and flashbacks. i got up to get cantaloupe not long after thoughts came on tonight to just eat and forget about the incident , but it does not taste like much now. and its not blocking out the taste of the french kiss you forced upon me 8 years ago , as well as biting my tongue. even though he did not...have i word with me nor did he four letter r word me , if i did not escape i know it would have happened. and i beat myself up relentlessly lately for escaping. i tell myself i should have stayed and made him happy. after all , i agreed. though i did not really know what he meant. and i thought it was a joke. until he had taken my hand and led me to the small foresty area of the cul-de-sac , and your friend tagged along. he watched as everything happened. i remember very vividly that you and him were making jokes and laughing at my under clothes , and you stopped and started being sweet with me and calling me affectionate names when you saw i almost burst into tears.
and you got off somewhat free. i havent told too many people at all. the first time i said it aloud to my psychiatrist , my voice shook so bad that you would think i was about to start sobbing. even though i laughed it off like usual. and even though what you did was a crime , there'd be no way for me to report you now. all that happened to my knowledge was that one kid’s mom thought you had done it to her daughter , not me
since it will be the tenth anniversary in two years , i may make a cake with something like “congrats! you survived ten years :)” written on it in frosting. i dont recall the exact day or even month that it happened. or time of year either. so i think ill just celebrate myself in late november of 2026.
i wish i could go back to the 5-year period of my life where i had completely forgotten about what you had done to me, Angel.
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ive been self diagnosed autistic for a couple years now, and i didnt know the road to professional diagnosis would be so.. scary! ive been doing near constant research into autism, especially as it can present in adult afab people, and honestly im certain i'm autistic.
but my mom has been really stressed about what if something happens to her and my dad, because i cant be independent and i have to live with them. she wants to help me get disability income, but obviously first i need proof of my disability.. that being autism. my mom seems to only really care about it for the money (not in a bad way, just in a 'she wants me to have money so i dont freaking die if they die' way)
but for me its ultimately gonna be like.. super affirming, and a real indicator of my potential as a person if i can recognize something like that in myself and be correct. but if i get told no... that's going to be extremely terrifying. my entire sense of understanding myself will be shattered. and im going to need to try again with a different psychologist.. potentially one who doesnt take my insurance.
this is a gamble i have no choice but to make, and its really scary, but im doing my best to be brave. disability income would be a life changer for me, even as stupid and limited and ass-backwards the system is in the united states right now. and more than anything, i just want that diagnosis so i can feel like i truly understand myself. thank u for listening!
I totally get that you're scared, but I trust that you know yourself and that if you find a psychiatrist who is educated on autism, they will see it too. And even IF it turns out to be something else, then you're still equally disabled. I thought I was autistic and eventually got diagnosed with schizophrenia instead. And I still got approved for disability. So whatever it is, you're not making it up. And I hope you find a professional who can see that you're struggling to a degree where a diagnosis is necessary, regardless of the exact details. That being said, besides myself I have never met a self-diagnosed autistic who turned out to be wrong about being autistic. So I think the odds are in your favor
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You can totally ignore this if you want, your opinions are valid and i get real anxious so i tend to stay on anon, but i thought i could share my perspective! As a trans person it bothers me when people make egg jokes, not because being trans is bad of course, but because it feels weird to me to speculate on someone elses gender identity or sexuality, when you dont know their relationship with those things or what they are going through. Ive often been told i am things that i am not and it tends to make me frustrated. I would also not like it if someone was making jokes about my autism, unless they had established that i was ok with it first. Again, these are my own comfort levels and my experiences are not universal! Unrelated, but I also really like your art! Hope i wasnt obnoxious with this, have a good day
I think that’s a fair thing to dislike! The thing I think is overlooked is that the most common example in that post going around is a harmless joke. The op of the thread is not saying that random stranger is 100% going to transition in the future—they’re making a joke, likely seeing a reflection of their own experiences. The statement is simply “there is precedent for people who say something like this later understanding that they have a desire to transition”. It was not said to the stranger’s face, nor were they told that they need to transition into women. It was someone remarking on a funny little occurrence in their everyday life, and for some reason, people seem to be treating it as something that it is not. It was intended for a trans person to share with likely other trans individuals for a relatable laugh, and not… whatever it’s become.
I agree that people should not say things to other people about their identity or presumed future identities that are overstepping a personal boundary. I am a huge hater of the many, many armchair psychiatrists on the internet. But I think this situation has been misconstrued into painting a trans person as some sort of… aggressive pusher of transgenderism onto all cis people? Which is… disconcertingly close to right-wing transphobic rhetoric.
Tl;dr: I think the context and subject of these kinds of remarks are important and one should avoid broad sweeping statements about the morality of commenting on behaviors commonly associated with pre-transition individuals. Someone telling a mundane little story about something they witnessed at the store is not equivalent to telling someone they’re going to transition in the future.
It reminds me of someone seeing a kid who loves animals and speculating on them becoming a veterinarian in the future. There’s no harm in this, in my opinion. As long as you don’t try to force anyone down any path, it’s fine. Completely fine if you disagree, this is just my thinking ^^
#kite.txt#apologies if I sound austere at all LOL when I try to organize my thoughts it tends to come out rather dry#but thank you very much for the ask! not a bother at all#I appreciate hearing other people’s thoughts on this#I think the two of us are on the same page. my main gripe is the tweet in the post#have a good day as well!! and thank you for the kind comment :-)
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⚠️TW: VENT POST⚠️
im back to that point in my ed i promised id never let myself go again. the point where you know that if you dont do anything youll be dead in a year tops. but everything is so fucked up rn and this is how i cope. i cant lose it, yk? but on the other hand i got to experience what it was like to be a real person for the first time. and i dont know if i can lose that either.
i told my psychiatrist, im not currently at risk. so basically if she thinks its getting bad she can just admit me. i feel bad for using it as a safety net tho. if i have someone whos job is literally to keep me alive, i can get as bad as i want as fast as i want. and if she slips up? oh well, guess ill die. but she wont. shes been doing this for longer than ive been alive. she only works with tRoUbLeD yOuTh so she prolly knows exactly what my thought pattern is. or ive watched to the bone too many times and im expecting my shrink to do wtv the fuck dr keanu reeves was doing.
idk. ill make it. if not for myself, then for a shitty apartment that reeks of depression, student loan debt, and microwave dinners.
#dni#everyone dni#gir vents#gir needs help#ftm 4na#trans ana#4n0r3x14#ed ftm#male 4na#trans ed#male ed#malespii#rexiia#4na diary#tw medical#tw psych ward
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