#since i kind of dont engage in my special interests when depressed | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

intersexfairy · 3 years

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Hi! i’ve been questioning if im autistic and i relate a lot to it and it feels like my life just clicked! but im still not very sure and want to know how meltdowns are really like and if all autistics stim? or how do some autistics stim since every autistic is very different! :)

Congrats on your self discovery! Regardless of whether you come to learn you're autistic or not autistic, I hope you're able to learn more things and understand yourself better to enhance your life!

Not all autistics stim, or have meltdowns for that matter. And when we do have meltdowns and stim, it's different for everyone!

Some people stim vocally (repeating phrases, humming, singing)... through rhythm (tapping, tongue clicking)... through body movement (rocking and flapping are most common)... through listening to/playing music, drawing, watching people draw... eating... through smelling scents they like...

Anything that engages the senses (hearing, sight, smell, taste, touch, etc) counts! Stimming is normally done to fulfill some kind of need or want, and sometimes that can be as simple as just wanting the Good Sensory Input, or it can be to calm us down, comfort us, entertain us, a compulsion, or a whole host of reasons - sometimes it's a form of communication with others/a love language when stimming is shared!

And when we have meltdowns, common causes are being overwhelmed by sensory input, tasks/instructions, or socializing. We may also have meltdowns when our routines/expectations for the day are disrupted, we're sensorily underwhelmed and dont have access to the sensory input we desire, or when someone violates our boundaries.

There are a lot of causes for meltdowns, and I definitely didn't list them all here, but being overwhelmed, underwhelmed, or disrupted are some of the most common reasons. Something that triggers me a lot for example are tasks like cleaning that involve a lot of visual sensory input (messes) and executive function coordination.

Meltdowns also look different for every one. Some people cry, sob, scream, others get silent, or begin to stim vocally. We also may begin to stim in other ways, and in meltdowns these stims can sometimes be harmful and hurt us, as we may be stimming to release pent up energy and emotions. Externally, meltdowns can look like anything - someone could be having a meltdown and look like they're functioning as usual on the outside!

But on the inside, we're typically in a frenzy, our thoughts may be racing or unclear, likely focusing intensely on the cause of our distress, or on how distressed we are. Some of us will be very driven to find a way to stop the pain (meltdowns are quite mentally, and sometimes physically, painful), and when the avenues to do so are unavailable, that can make it worse.

Something related to meltdowns is burnout, which I don't have enough knowledge on to explain but feel free to look into that!

Meltdowns, IMO, are often a response to our needs and wants being unfulfiled, attacked, ignored, or violated. When we have access to the things we need to remain properly stimulated or able to function at our baseline or be alone when we need to, etc. etc., we're much less likely to have meltdowns.

Some of us also learn to mask or shove aside our discomfort/distress as a survival mechanism, which may prevent us from having meltdowns since we're so far detached from our needs and wants and selves. In these cases, distress can be expressed in ways more associated with things like depression or anxiety (we often have depression or anxiety as a result of masking and suppressing ourselves).

As such, some of us can go a decent chunk of our lives without having meltdowns, or only having them rarely, and begin to have them once the environment around us is increasingly not conductive to our needs and wants, at which point our masking and maladaptive coping mechanisms begin to fail and meltdowns cannot be avoided.

Andd now this ask is very long and I think I got the gist down. Sorry it's so long, mental health just so happens to be my special interest so I got to infodump here basically lmao

#free to rb #asks #anon #autistic #autism #actually autistic #actually autism #autism spectrum #stimming #actuallyautistic #mental health

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kuromichad · 3 years

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man sometimes you realize youve spent days on end doing mindless non-tasks while idly thinking about how everything is bad and nothing ever gets better and youre not excited by anything or hopeful for anything and kinda dont like it when other people express any kind of wonderment or ‘excessive’ optimism because it makes you flinch and etc etc etc and then finally it clicks like... oh bro you have depression huh... i feel like every month or two i rediscover the concept of depression because i forget there are more types than like ‘letting a plain tortilla fall out of your mouth’ or ‘crying frequently’. even though i think the irritable cynical type is what i have the most often.

ive been very hostile to any kind of like sympathy in the form of ‘2020-onward has been hard for literally everyone’ or like ‘youve been dealing with a lot’ because im like. that cant be true because i’m lucky that no one in even my extended family has gotten covid and my parents and grandparents i leech off of are already retired/work from home and like. between stimulus and cares act stuff ive had more money in the past year than in like my whole life. and even though it’s been difficult due to Phone Calls and dealing with incompetent people i did get to start hrt. so really i’m very spoiled and i guess (clearly) i resent myself for that.

but all of this still um. sucks? like to just. every single day have to hear bad news and then see 300 slightly different posts in reaction to the bad news that just really drive in how bad everything is. you get like ten minutes to laugh about ‘reddit steals money from wall street via gamestop’ before then having to see people repeat over and over how doomed and miserable it is that ‘the government is letting people die but will rush to help the stock market’ and its like i know. i know. i know. the worst possible thing is always what’s going to happen and there’s no levity in the world without a bitter aftertaste. it’s great. i’m used to feeling this way about my own life but it really is hard to have it driven in so incessantly and deeply regarding just, the whole universe, for almost a year, with no end in sight. everything is bad every single thing has a rotten core.

i feel unbelievably fucking stupid for it but i feel like probably the hardest thing for me, like the most insidiously damaging, in the past year has been like. ok so. we all know i’m a cringe ass nae nae Disney Adult. i have no desire to like, actively behave like one, but i know in >current year to like any disney anything at all in public past age ten is considered like peak braindead behavior. and i understand Why and it’s not like i disagree that Disney Is Bad. but for me disney parks have always been a bit different, a bit removed from whatever bad movie or shitty corporate move, there’s a more genuine spirit there right, whatever, youve seen me go on about this before. but this year its very very clear theyre uh. behaving evilly with the parks now too. i’m exposed to constant discourse about this because of having a Disney Family who likes to watch Disney Vloggers constantly (yes yes i know youre sending missiles to my house ouuhhh the cringe oh it burns i deserve this oooh) and having to hear these people whine nonstop about why doesnt disneyland reopen wah wah, and reading about the massive cast layoffs, and just. yknow. disney acting how everyone who wasnt stupid like me expected them to act. it’s made it impossible to engage with the whole concept of theme parks which was obviously a major interest for me, probably (pathetically) pretty much the only ‘non-fandom’ interest i have, one of the few arenas i could actually picture myself Having A Job in and actually being happy, basically the only thing ive ever like cornily waxed poetic about in posts the way other people on here rhapsodize about the moon or gay kissing or the found family trope or whatever, Ugh Cringe.

and i just cant have that anymore. i cant bear to think about my, like, Special Interest anymore, because everything on earth comes back to how theres money involved and everything about how we deal with money is evil and people are always suffering and corporations are always ruining everything and nothing ever ever ever ever gets better nothing will ever be okay. and having that in the back of your mind nonstop, with constant external affirmation, is like. not good for you. like i think maybe... guys... im maybe allowed to be depressed. even if i dont like, know anyone whos died. (my paternal grandma did die last spring but it wasn’t covid.) This is a great revelation to arrive at. i don’t know what to do with it now though. like it does feel good to be able to blame something like it’s external, like ohh okay i feel bad this week (the past two months) (the past year) (my whole life) Because Of Depression, but it doesn’t... solve it. it’s not preventing next week from being differently bad in a way that it’ll take me a while to recognize yet again. but like at least im not suicidal like 2018 <3 im just. frustrated and sad.

i also kinda dont know why i’m posting about this. i guess i don’t really talk on here anymore but i also feel like i’ve been exhausting my friends lately with my bad moods and in particular, my need to Talk About everything. (theoretically i know that being a person who copes by venting/needs to talk through their feelings is like, a value neutral thing, people are just different from each other. but since a percentage lower than 100 of my friends are not the same way i decide oh okay this is evil and revolting.) so im just kinda. getting it out. here’s how im doing, how about you,

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sanguinarius-archive · 4 years

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im not that familiar with treatsforbeats i watched like. a few videos but other than that i know nothing! but i would be glad to hear you info dump!

there is SO MUCH..... im gonna put a read more below because this turned out to be way longer than i expected. but you asked for me to infodump so here goes

okay so. treatsforbeasts, i dont know what the whole meaning behind the channel is. i cant specifically say what the goal of the channel’s content is because its all in my interpretation. but i do know that there are meanings behind each video as silly as it may seem and im just gonna list them off here (note that not all videos will be included since i may not be able to interpret every one, also this is going from earliest to most recent)

1. men with small hands carry very little treats to give to little girls with the sharpest little teethinterpretation of this video is csa/child sex trafficking. “little treats” refers to pills or some form of drug (small, makes u trip). however the “sharpest little teeth” could represent the little girl fighting back.

2. mom ordered ants for my birthdaychild abuse. mother forces son to watch and/or possibly engage in inappropriate activity with her husband.

3. i love jesusobviously a dark parody of christianity/catholicism. shows how blindly some fanatical christians/catholics will follow their beliefs, to the point where they no longer truly “follow” it as theyve warped the message to fit their own morbid desires (using christianity/the bible to excuse hatred and judgment upon others).

4. i me you love godanother dark parody of christianity/catholicism. i believe it mocks how fanatical christians/catholics focus only on the negative aspects of the bible instead of learning the true messages, as many of the words used are from the bible and are negative words.

5. behdsPROBABLY just a silly video but, i think it represents how people let negativity embed itself into their lives and complain about it even though it’s so easy to just let go of it.

6. jaffreymocking some sitcoms for how dumb and repetitive they can be.

7. kiss papa’s mustachepossibly child abuse, again.

8. storytimereferences/implies child abuse. storytime is also the name of one of treatsforbeasts’ songs on his Sanguinarius - Sin Nomine album.

9. hymns for him (1 + 2)just total parody albums of christian rock. vocals make you feel like youre dying but its actually kinda good to listen to in some parts

10. i screaming inside my headRoii (the character)’s first appearance. also probably symbolizes how depressing some kinds of music are

11. felines have nine livesnot sure but i feel like this is a warrior cats reference, in complete and total honesty (dont watch it if you dont like c/at d/eath though, its fictional but. yeah)

12. beastsreflection of society as a whole

then there’s. the two short films and sin nomine. so i’m gonna delve into that now and be warned, it’s fuckin long

treatsforbeasts is the self-titled short film and the first longest video on the treatsforbeasts channel. basically what i get from this is that treatsforbeasts, the channel itself, symbolizes an actual channel that chauncy (the child character in the short film, who is portrayed as a literal oral fleshlight with a body) watches. he consumes these concepts, such as internalizing misogyny (claw-paw skit), toxic masculinity (can i like balloons skit) and being exposed to a normalization of christianity (heaven and hell skit). there’s also a skit in which a spider binge eats and then proceeds to throw it up, which chauncy actually mimicks when his father brings him food.his father very much disapproves of these messages being shown on tv. he tells chauncy in regards to the claw-paw skit, when chauncy belittles the female character, “that’s not very nice, now is it”, and says “you can like ballons, you can love balloons if you want to”. his father goes on long tangents about how many institutions have normalized and inherited the concepts of christianity, and that it is one of the contributing factors of violence in the world. he references colonization, the holocaust, and in general mentions minorities.we learn that the father actually ended up being a father to chauncy in the first place due to (nsfw tw) masturbating in a sock to a picture of robert smith, and 9 months later chauncy was born. so technically there is no mother. the father talks about the meaning of life, and how everyone on the inside is a little bit of a freak, but there’s only two real ways you can accept that: 1) realize that your freakishness gives you a special lense through with you see the world and aid it in the ways the sane and happy ones probably cant, and 2) realize that real way number 1 is just lying to itself and that youre still a somewhat integral part of the lives of those you care for so deeply. he says that choosing which way to live really reverts back to the meaning of life, that you cannot live day by day believing there’s no reason to. “but whatever reason you give yourself to live, [...] you do it, because it is correct to live.”

sin nomine comes after the first short film, but i’ll delve into that after because really it touches on many many of the points and interpretations here.

the second short film, the beast is dead, was released just this year on valentines day! i think the main focus of the short film ranges from relationships to just once again a mockery of christianity/catholicism. once again it starts off with a father and his son. there is no mother figure present though she’s said to have left, due to the father watching too much “birdies”, a show, which i think is a metaphor for porn addiction. the father is implied to being prone to neglecting the son’s wants and not really caring for him, being disappointed in him, etc. etc..something important about the beast is dead is that it uses masks to portray those who are “followers” and those who are not. the father, interestingly enough, does not wear a mask. he seems to acknowledge what his son is saying when he goes on philosophical rants as well, but disregards them as nonsense and ends up leaving after bonking him with the stupid spike (metaphor for how parents will shut their children up by giving them a phone or toy to play with).the three other characters who don’t use masks in the beast is dead are Roii, Tom, and Doctor Zoughth (pronounced Zoth). Roii makes a comeback, finally! but this time he’s singing a song called “i love the sound of screaming babies”. it symbolizes how men will impregnate women and then run off, whether or not because they fantasize about pregnant women. it could also be a want of seeing a hurt child (hence the line “i know that all of you watching must think i’m insane, for loving when something so innocent is in so much pain”).however another interesting factor is that, the characters who don’t have masks, aside from Tom and the father, have red eyes at some point. this is a metaphor for how they’ve lost their humanity. Roii, at some point in the music video scene, only has one red eye whereas his other is normal. this hints at how part of him has lost his humanity while the other is still in tact.the other character that has red eyes is Dr Zoughth, but instead of him having only one red eye, both his eyes are red. this doesnt show until later though when he’s taken Tom away from the masked characters (followers). Dr Zoughth is very much self-aware. he is not blind, but simply has lost his humanity. Tom tries to reach out to him, to get him to think differently, that maybe resorting to coping with emotional struggles by worshipping something simple like flesh or something more higher than himself and forgetting his own mortality isn’t the healthiest way to live. but Dr Zoughth, having been long gone already, does not accept this and executes Tom.his own personal disciples grow tired of his tyranny and kill him and perform a ritual of some kind, disposing of his body (in the river i think, not sure). this entire ending of the film is basically the title, the beast is dead. but, i believe the beast is not dead, personally, because someone like Zoughth will always live on in other people, other beasts.there’s also a scene called grandma hespar and i think it implies how little people focus on sexual abuse towards men (when it’s from women).

anyways, with that being said, it’s time for sin nomine.

so now that i’ve explained pretty much all of treatsforbeasts to you, and whoever else is reading, it’s clear that the person behind this has issues with christianity (or catholicism), and child abuse. the person behind treatsforbeasts is Jordan Diniz, as he is also the person behind sanguinarius.

sin nomine is a very personal reflection of jordan’s life from what i gather. it depicts his struggles with how he views the world around him, whether that be due to personal experiences or not. at first i interpreted most of sin nomine to be the story of someone who is lgbt, but with jordan himself coming to me and telling me he is straight (POLITELY), it’s clear that is not the case.

so it most likely has to do with trauma. either religious or not, or both. it even says in the song storytime (remember i mentioned it earlier?), “fast hand, white hot trauma, reverberates inside the skull. innocence and intellect raped, reveals a view of a darker world. flesh on flesh, the bonds of affection - confused for the bonds of submission and fear. self-hatred and mistrust repel all beauty that comes near.” i don’t like to say that this solidifies a personal experience, but it’s highly possible.

a lot of sin nomine kind of goes over the same points in different ways, but it makes you think. i definitely feel like something happened to jordan at some point in his life but that is his story and it’s not my place to truly tell, since i don’t know him personally.

there’s also the other channel, adrianturcher. it has videos with seemingly no real purpose except for there being two videos with the same names of two songs on sin nomine, “nex memoria” and “a fetish for psychos”. nex memoria is just a compilation of clips that seem to symbolize the process of death (nex memoria is a latin phrase which very roughly translates to “memory’s death”). a fetish for psychos is a bunch of old clips from parties and shows that possibly jordan himself attended. they’re from 2002 judging by the date in the video. the lyrics in the song “a fetish for psychos” also seem to hint at these events, so it’s possibly that it’s like looking back on happy memories that make you feel sad instead or something. the song also might possibly reference a mother at the beginning.

sanguinarius also has its own channel simply called sanguinarius. there’s the music video for divine comedy (one of the songs on sin nomine) and a cover of because you’re young by david bowie, posted on his birthday a year after his death.

anyway, that’s. pretty much all i have to say. jordan diniz is a fuckin’ mastermind, he’s really good and cool and he’s very kind from my experience talking with him a couple times. he supports the gays as well!

sooooo, treatsforbeasts does have some very creepy/unsettling moments in its content but its EXTREMELY good and i recommend getting into it if you can. 100/10

#asks #tfb #treatsforbeasts #sanguinarius #ok 2 rb #deerlcorn

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jewpacabruhs · 4 years

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hi guys! so this post is gonna be a rambly mess but fuck it, here ya go. if u dont wanna read all of it, u dont have to; skip down to underneath the tl;dr in bold text for the important bits :)

(there’s a brief & non-graphic mention of a triggering topic in the next paragraph. please be sure to skip this next paragraph if the thought of suicide is going to upset you.)

alright. so i didn't share this originally, but i spent some time in a psychiatric unit this month. suicidality related. 1000% unrelated from anything online, i've just struggled with depression for a very long time & shit happens. i didn't intend to share that at all & i certainly don't want pity; i'm telling u guys bc my time in the unit was extremely eye-opening, and i have some insight to share. since i've gotten out, with the help of my newest anti-depressant (fourth time’s a charm lol), i'm seeing the world in a better light & i finally have the energy to and the interest in exploring what it has to offer, which frankly i've never had before.

with that has come the realization that i’ve come to do something very unhealthy, and i want to break out of it. and that’s how much i’ve come to rely on my fandom life. i don’t want to get too candid publicly, but mental illness took a lot from me, and i lost most of my life, my future, and my options in the last few years. next year will involve a lot of working on rebuilding things. but in the time that i let things fall to pieces around me & i absolutely couldn’t get out of bed, i had a phone and i had a laptop. so when i couldn’t get up and physically face the world, i built up a new world online.

and i don’t think that’s a completely uncommon experience. most people are able to better manage things, and evenly juggle real life with an internet life (like i did back in middle school), because most people can’t abandon their real lives entirely like i managed to; but i do think a lot of people nowadays rely on their fandom life and their fandom friends when their irl situation isn’t ideal. and that’s an excellent coping mechanism in theory, but i think it’s debilitating in the long run.

forgive me for sounding like an old person, but i’m a heavy nostalgist and a bit of an anarcho-primitivist in that i resent modern technology's influence on society - but that hasn't stopped me from letting it be a big part of my life out of accessibility. the internet kept me occupied during my low points, and i became dependent, but i've realized i don't wanna live like that anymore. i’m vaguely grateful that it usually kept me busy enough that i wasn’t thinking the bad thoughts as frequently, but more than anything, i’m resentful that my grasp on reality got lost somewhere along the way, and i let time get away from me, too. because, again, an internet life should be a fun hobby, but when it’s a lifestyle and it becomes an excuse to avoid dealing with our real lives, bc our real lives aren’t as rewarding or as exciting, then it’s unhealthy.

everything’s at our fingertips these days, but i deeply believe human interaction, fun, and fulfillment shouldn't be spoon-fed to us through a screen. it's easy access, sure, but at the end of the day, is it any way to live? compared with how much world there is to see, i’m no longer satisfied with the thought of sitting behind a screen for another five years. i used to be, when i had no hope and no drive, but not anymore. i’m not gonna let myself settle for staying busy with the thing that takes the least amount of work & movement. not only because i’m a whole ass adult who needs to start sorting my shit out for the long run, but also because i deserve better.

and it’s fucking hard! especially for those of us who are neurodivergent. i dropped out of school three fucking times due to crippling social anxiety and utter lack of ambition and energy. i lost all my friends through that (making friends post-school is hard af); the thought of having to go out and remake friends makes me wanna fucking cry. i have a hard enough time making friends online, i’ve even come to struggle with correspondence thru text & email. phone calls? outta the question. but that’s therapy shit, and i know i’ll get there. i just have to stop putting life off by staying in a comfort zone.

and it’s interesting; depression and anxiety really took everything from me, and while i was dwelling in my own misery, my adhd worsened and decided to make my entire brain revolve around my fixations, so i didn’t have to deal with my own life. can’t think about how much you wanna die and how much you can’t function in society if you’re busy thinking about a ship you like or a character you find interesting. so i latched onto the safety of that. aggressively. problem with that is that once you let your “happiness” (as much of it as you can feel in the midst of your depressive episode, anyway) revolve around an interest, that’s all you have. so you become dependent and reliant, and that’s never good, especially if you’re someone like me who feels pathetic & ridiculous when you realize it’s all you can bring yourself to care about.

and i think that’s what i realized in the psych ward (where there’s legitimately nothing to do; i did soooo much more thinking than usual, and i already think too much haha); mental illness will try to fuck up your lifestyle, so you have to eradicate the things that’ll let that happen in the first place. for example, like i said, my adhd tries to counteract my depression by making me hyperfixate and/or hyperfocus on something else to protect me from bad personal thoughts, and that’s good in theory (doing something you enjoy when you feel bad, to distract urself, is the number one most basic coping skill you learn), but i can’t do it in moderation, i let it run my life, and that’s made me worse in the long run. so i have to force myself out of that completely and not let myself fixate on things that make me happy in the short term, but don’t ultimately further me as a person. having fixations helped me through some awful times, but now i need to force myself to grow up, you know?

and while tumblr and other social media is an excellent way to indulge those fixations, it’s an aggressive enabler, in more ways than one. what i mean by that... okay, so while i’m the type of person who self-destructs while unhealthy, i do occasionally lash out. and i know some people completely explode rather than implode when they’re not doing well. and that’s how you get discourse, i think. because when mental illness makes us care much more about our interests than we ought to, and someone has a differing opinion about that interest, the instinct is of course to attack, if you’re that kind of person. i don’t think i am, but depression and boredom go hand in hand, and i might be inclined to care more about discourse than i would if i were healthy, purely because it’s entertaining and something to do.

that’s a long winded way of saying, while i stand wholeheartedly by my past positions, i do regret starting shit in the first place. i’m not the kind of person who genuinely cares about much and i have little to no sense of morality (im a chaotic neutral bastard), so the fact i was bored enough to start shit really goes against my character and says a lot about how bad i’ve been. so i apologize for all that. but, again, i think that's just what happens when something is truly your everything. and i think the chronic negativity of modern fandom is a result of how damn seriously we all take it, because we care so much and we’re so dependent. fandom’s supposed to be fun, but it’s just too damn stressful this way.

idk my point in sharing all this, but i do think it'd be cool if this kinda got yall thinking. even if you don't engage in discourse, if fandom is just one of your only consistent sources of happiness, that's not healthy either. we all gotta break out & exist more & louder & more positively. and unfortunately i think tumblr fandom (and maybe all modern fandom) is no longer a place that encourages positivity and health.

but for all my criticism, i do just wanna say how eternally grateful i am that i was fortunate enough to meet the people i call my best friends through tumblr. they're my family, truly, and all the bullshit in this fandom has been worth it simply because it brought them to me. i love them to death and i always will, even if interests change, even if we grow apart, even if we quit speaking entirely in the next few years, i love them with my whole heart in a way that transcends a simple fandom friendship and i'm so glad we bonded over sp in the first place. that’ll never change.

i will also always love south park itself. now that the cat's outta the bag about my hospital visit, i can brag about my most pathetic and obsessive accomplishment; the fact that i've never let circumstance stop me from watching a new south park as it airs, and i've now watched sp on 1) an airplane, and 2) in a psych ward. i win for most dedicated fan tbfh. dsjkf & i'll keep that tradition, and i'll still watch this stupid show til it ends! it'll always hold a special place in my heart, & kyman's still my most meaningful & long-term ship. i'll never stop loving it.

tl;dr

so, to recap; for 2020 i'm making myself step back from fandom (not just sp fandom, but fandom in general) and quit letting my world revolve around my fixations so i can enjoy the outside world a little more, mental illness be damned, and the first step is gonna be quitting tumblr. this blog won't be deleted and i may occasionally post (maybe when next season airs) but you're absolutely free to unfollow bc this'll be a mostly inactive blog. i’m also unfollowing everyone, so mutuals, please don’t take that personally.

i will, however, try to write more prolifically, bc fic writing is something i'm able to do in moderation & enjoy, and i hope to get back into it. so if you'd like, you can keep an eye out for any upcoming fanfic i may post - my ao3 is leere. i also have snapchat, instagram, & twitter my mutuals can ask for asap (bc ill be logging out for good by the afternoon of the 31st, which is tomorrow) - though i'm not very active on any of them. still, if you wanna have access to me, i’ll be there.

i want some connection to the fandom still, albeit without letting my life revolve around it, so i'll be starting a new open-to-the-public kyman discord server! the post with the invite for that will go up soon. nvm im too anxious

thank you for reading, thank you for the good times (thnks fr th mmrs), and i hope everyone has a good 2020!

#txt #mine

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itsjustwhatfeelsrightmobile · 6 years

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Rules

HEAD’S UP:

To all of my “loyal followers”: I know you may feel familiar with my rules, but please skim them on every blog you follow. In particular, you will need to scroll down and read everything below the “Guilt-Free Icons” section as they change for each blog. Everything else, yes, will stay the same. Thank you for your time and thank you for following so many of my blogs!

LAST RULE UPDATE: July 16, 2018

Mun

General

My name is Kymani, but most people call me “Kaichu”, “Kai”, or “Ky”. Go with whichever you like! Please note, however, that I will only sign my blogs and asks with "Ky" or the occasional "Kaichu" so as not to be confused with the many 'Kai' users in the world. So if you ever see someone claim to be me while using that spelling... they a lie, fam.

I use she/her pronouns and am a cis female so feel free to correct me if I make any -phobic booboos.

Mun is over 25. I’m happy to share my real age, but not so much to update this with every birthday.

My discord is (not very) selectively available to mutuals. If you choose not to exchange this with me, this is more than fine; please just be aware that I blog hop very inconsistently so I may be hard to reach.

Mun faceclaims are Raichu, Marina (Splatoon 2), Iridessa, and occasionally Kagome Higurashi.

You can find links to all of my other active characters on my mun page.

Health

I have several physical and mental disabilities. These include, but are not limited to, Sickle Cell Anemia, Asthma, Depression, Anxiety, and moderate OCD.

Note that there are some things that will trigger my OCD and therefore I will often choose not to follow you for or unfollow for. They include but are not limited to: uncut posts; icons that aren’t circles or squares (circles/squares with excessive decoration is FINE); using full-sized reaction images; and/or a general lack of organization on the blog. Most of these can be addressed, but I will never pressure a mun to change their style or format for me.

I will generally make or have someone make update posts informing you of my hospitalizations. Sometimes I forget, though. In any case, if I’ve made it clear that I am feeling unwell, do NOT hassle me for replies or an explanation of my situation. I will block people for this.

Be aware: I am a chronically ill person with many characters whose writing schedule is dictated by both her health and muse. I will forget things and disappear/reappear for weeks to even a month at a time from my blogs. As well, I may be very obviously selective/biased, so if this will upset you, my blogs are not for you.

Also note: it is not uncommon for me to unfollow and refollow people but this is not intentional. As I manage tens of blogs, it is easy to forget which blog people will follow me on. If you notice me doing this, feel free to message me and/or block that account.

Lastly, it is incredibly important to understand that due to the fact that I have been on opioids since I was a child, I have impaired memory. I can and will forget things we’ve discussed/written and I just ask for your patience and understanding on this.

I am open to answering questions regarding my health, but I expect you to both know the basics about the diseases and have read THIS PAGE before you approach me.

Last on this point but HUGELY important: please do not approach me with questions or jokes about how many muses I write. It's officially at the point where it's only okay or funny if I do it. Cause the thing is I know you mean it as a complement. I know you do. But the answer, for the record, to that question is this: "The cold hard fact is that I'm no longer healthy enough to attend school or work. So I am at home all day every day with the time (if I am well) to run as many muses as I please and it may be the only thing keeping me sane." So please, just don't make the joke. I'll joke along with you, I'll try not to make you as sad as you just made me, but it makes me really sad to think about and I have to stop pretending it doesn't.

Personals

Do:

Go ahead and follow! I don’t mind as long as you follow the rules. (Breaking them consistently enough to notice will lead to a block though.)

Like RPs if you like them. (But try to make sure my partner’s okay with that, too!)

Send in memes and questions; just don’t expect them to turn into a thread or anything.

Tell me if you’re following on behalf of a side RP blog cause I won’t check/know otherwise! (Only matters if you follow first.)

Don’t:

Reblog my promos.

Reblog my OOC posts.

Reblog my roleplays.

Following

This is a selective and private blog. This means I don’t follow everyone and I only RP with mutuals.

Please do not message me asking for an RP if we are not mutuals. I understand that you’re just reaching out, but it really makes me anxious and I will feel extremely guilty. Therefore, all messages of this kind will be deleted. Repeated attempts will lead to a block.

I will not follow blogs without a rules page. Very very rare exceptions are made for blogs that I know for fact are mobile-only. I am slightly more lenient when it comes to about pages, but only if there is significant writing on the blog for me to read through instead.

I am OC and selectively crossover friendly.

I’m cool with multimuse blogs as long as your muses each have an about page for me to read over. I won’t be making exceptions here simply because I find it impractical to go through the blog and look for writing for each specific muse I want to interact with.

I may several weeks to follow back. This may be due to illness or just not noticing because of how many blogs I run.

I eventually unfollow mutual-only blogs who have not followed me back. This is simply because I like to know I can RP with those on my dash and nothing more.

I do not follow blogs that exclusively use real-life faceclaims (rlfc). I will also not RP with rlfc, so if you have a verse that only uses a rlfc, I won’t RP with it. Please note that this applies to people roleplaying live-action characters, as well. Thanks for understanding.

Interaction & Replies

I am EXTREMELY selective about roleplaying with muns under the age of eighteen. Trying to deceive me about your age will lead to a BLOCK.

I am open to using messaging for OOC interaction at all times. IC interactions must be agreed upon beforehand.

All of my open starters and starter calls are for mutuals only unless otherwise stated. Repeated offenses for non-mutuals liking my starter calls will lead to a block.

I go through my thread tracker whenever my total thread count across all accounts exceeds 11O. I will try to message my partners about threads I drop but understand that I may not always have the energy to do so. You are always welcome to ask about the status of our threads so long as you remain polite and tactful.

Shipping

My blogs will always be multiship.

With that said, I’m almost always a ship-exclusive kind of girl. That means I’ll ship with one version of each character.

I like my ships to develop naturally, so even if it seems like I prioritize friends, know that you can always shoot me an ask and as long as it’s not a notp I’m always open to tossing the characters at each other and giving it a shot.

There are two exceptions to ship exclusivity for me: 1) i’ve decided to do one ship per verse and therefore duplicates are fine or 2) i’m playing a character with a canon ship.

Tags & Triggers

My blogs are never spoiler-free. For TV-show based blogs, the most recent episode aired in its native language will be tagged as a spoiler until the next episode airs. For games, I tag and try to readmore spoilers for a few months. Threads themselves may or may not be tagged if the line is sort of blurry. Always, therefore, read with caution.

I am blocking the tag #Ky Don’t Look/#Ky Dont Look for phobias related to penises, water, and a few other things. It is imperative that you read over my BLOCKED TAGS AND TRIGGERS for full details.

These triggers are often related to trauma and can give me panic attacks and/or depressive episodes. I will gently remind you a few times, but if it becomes a repeated issue, I will unfollow.

If you need anything special tagged or I’ve forgotten something, please let me know! I won’t bite.

NSFW & Smut

Many of my blogs will contain nsfw themes including but not limited to: themes of depression, violence, bullying, etc. These are rarely (if ever) tagged but can be by request.

Themes that are considered to be “trigger-heavy” will always have their own disclaimer.

Regarding smut: sometimes it’s difficult for me, sometimes it’s not. I can be extremely squeamish regarding the topic, so I’m very fickle when it comes to these threads. I ask, very simply, that partners who engage in these types of threads with me understand that I likely won’t finish these threads and that they do not push for replies on these. (Like, ever.) It will make me more self-conscious and, if I’m already panicking about a reply, it will only make it worse.

With that said, I would appreciate it if you didn’t baby me by disallowing me to write these threads. If it makes you personally uncomfortable to write them with me, that’s fine. But it has been deemed a safe and valuable practice by my counselor for me to continue to explore this subject so that, hopefully, I will become more and more comfortable with it. So when I’m interested in writing sexual nsfw, please don’t feel as though you need to shy away from me!

Aside from all of that, general rules apply: I won’t write sexual nsfw with anyone under the age of eighteen. (Although with that said, given my age, I tend to prefer my smut partners to be twenty-one and older. This is a soft rule, though, as my comfort with the partner outweighs a numerical value.) I also will not write any other kind of nsfw with anyone under the age of sixteen.

PS: when it comes to aged up characters, aged up x aged up is okay. aged up x canon adult is not. I am not the kind of person who will get all judgemental if you do it with other people, but I won’t personally engage in it. Understand though that I only consider it to be aging-up if the mun is aging their character beyond the natural progression of time. (So if Character A was 10 when they debuted but would have been 15 by the time they met Character B anyway I don't consider it to be aging-up.) For more of my opinion of the topic, please click here.

Activism & “Drama”

In this house, discussion about x-isms, x-phobias, and injustices as it relates to the roleplay community and/or the pokemon community is NOT considered drama and therefore it will NOT be tagged as such. HOWEVER:

While most of my blogs will NOT have a tag for it at all, should it come up, I will create an #activism tag for the blog. So yes, you will have a tag to block if you are genuinely discomforted by the conversation, but no, I will not conflate it with “drama”.

If you’re reading this on writtenbykaichu or a blog that features a dark-skinned person of color, please be aware that issues such as these are much more likely to be discussed.

Guilt-Free Icons

Yes, I am a mod at guiltfreeicons–Jerry Mod, to be exact.

I will, on very rare occasions, make posts regarding taking requests. Those posts are considered active for 48 hours after the ORIGINAL post was made.

If you need to ask a question about GFI, first read the rules. Then, try contacting us here. If that doesn’t work, contact us here. Most importantly:

Never ever I mean NEVER message me or any of the other mods regarding guiltfreeicons (or making icons for you on the side) on any of our personal or roleplay blogs. We WILL auto-block over this.

Miscellaneous

IMPORTANT: I am currently beta testing for rpthreadtracker.com. Because the beta website could be altered or lost at any time, I will try to backup my threads on the current version of the website. With that said, I will be focusing on using the Beta versions, so please click the [BETA] links first and alert me immediately if they give you any sort of trouble so I can update the trackermod. Thanks guys!

This blog will not RP with male gemsonas--no exceptions.

As a general rule, I am okay with gemlings as long as they are not directly related to Amethyst (daughter, sister, etc.)

I consider Amethyst's canon character development to be incredibly rushed, so on this blog you may feel as though I've knocked her back a few steps. This is so that I may work on her development at a fairer pace. (And yes, if you know me, it is also for the angst.)

Always always always plot out fight threads with me. We don't have to come up with things step-by-step ahead of time, but I expect to stay in contact with you throughout so that we can be on the same terms with where we're going and who's doing what.

Credits

Many of my Raichu base icons were gifted to me by thunderstonereject. If you would like access to these icons, you will need to ask them for their permission. Any public-use icons I have can be found at guiltfreeicons. All edits were made by me and are for my own personal use.

All Marina icons were made by me and are available to the public on guiltfreeicons. Edits, of course, are for and by me and not for public use.

All Iridessa icons were made by myself and Pebbles Mod and are available to the public on guiltfreeicons. All edits were made by me and are for my own personal use.

Credits for Kagome Higurashi base icons can be found here. All edits were made by me and are for my own personal use.

Amethyst Art & Icon credits can be found here.

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grimmshood · 3 years

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hi everyone im about to drop more writing. since i dont trust bhvr with anything the closest im getting to writing my own tome for jake is this. cw father mentions for a large portion, also i project a lot.

JAKE PARK: THE TOME-INING

A: Identity

Growing up, Jake Park had the unique experience of being, almost, a minority within a minority. The unique circumstances of his father’s birth led to his raising his sons so that they would stay in touch with God and with the family ancestry, no matter where they were.

Jake knew he had an aunt who lived in Karachi. He knew that his grandmother was a Pakistani migrant, his grandfather hailed from Itaewon. His father hadn’t gotten the opportunity to get very close to his Pakistani heritage, but he had been raised Muslim and almost lost his way. He insisted that Jake and Andrew be better than this.

Due to a promising job opportunity, the Parks moved to the United States, first Texas and then Maryland. Jake’s parents wanted their sons to thrive in this environment, so they let American culture be prioritized in their heads. His mother made sure that they would always be in touch with their heritage though, and spoke with them in both Korean and English. His father made attempts to teach the two Urdu (this did not last long) but managed to teach both how to read Arabic.

Jake had always known he was different, but he never truly realized just how much he’d felt it until he started high school. In his 9th grade year, he had truly become invested in the faces behind the music that kept him going for years, and seeing their free actions, gender nonconforming appearances, and varying styles (however ugly) first made him think that he was attracted to them. He’d thought they were beautiful, handsome, the perfect people.

It took a while for him to realize that he dreamed about BEING them- in the process he found that the way other girls looked at him would do something to his head, that he enjoyed being put to work with the boys, that he liked getting attention from the other girls, even if it was when they were making fun of his dark clothing, mannerisms and how he always had his nose in some kind of instructional manual.

It takes a year, but Jake realizes that there’s an appeal to masculinity, but he hates the concept of trying to actually be a man. He doesn’t want to be a man, and frankly he doesn’t want the attention of men either. When he starts doing his homework and trying to figure out what this is he’s feeling, it all clicks.

When Jake tries to explain being trans masculine to his parents, on top of being a lesbian, his mother does not understand but tries her best to support him. His father is distraught, but does not take action. Jake is still his son no matter the terms he prefers and the people he likes, even if his father does not want to accept that reality.

His parents have wondered if Jake’s identity issues came from his growing up autistic and bullied for his mannerisms - but neither will accept that as a reason. Neither does he- Jake’s special interest in engineering and post apocalypse practices are just aspects of him, his quiet demeanor and semi verbal behaviours are no real problem. He’s been masking for years, but when he leaves for the woods he finds he doesn’t have to do that anymore, and he can go days without saying a single word, just stimming with his knife and the textures of the trees and his camp throughout his daily routine.

B: Family Relations

Jake Park has never been considered average, and never will be.

He grew up in the shadow of his brother Andrew Park- something he didn’t mind until it was too late. He and Andrew were once very close- Jake used to love his older brother above all and relied on him for everything from friends to sharing his emotional pains.

This only lasted insofar as his father would allow it.

Mr. Park has always been insistent on the academic prowess of his children, and doing everything he can to make them as successful as possible. Where Andrew is dedicated to studying and reaching that goal as well, Jake finds he doesn’t need to study because everything comes so easy, at the cost of his constant changing attention span and desire to do literally anything else.

As a result, Jake’s stuck alone- he doesn’t want to upset his brother, of course. He supports his brother and would love to see him do well, but that means letting him sit alone and study all day. Even if it means he can’t hang out with Andrew like he used to. He sometimes tries to show Andrew things that he likes, in an effort to still engage with him, but his vague disinterest and dedication to his own little free time means that Jake is caught at an impasse- he knows his brother is doing his best, but feels like he’s being pushed away at the same time.

Jake’s reflex is to push back- he slowly stops engaging with his brother. They only speak at the dinner table or in small moments, but days can pass between them. He begins to isolate himself, feels that there’s nobody there for him and therefore he’s got to fend for himself in a world that wants to see him do things that he can’t.

Andrew gets into Yale, and the Parks are overjoyed. Jake’s still excited for his brother - this is what he’s worked so hard for! He even aims for Yale himself, just to prove that he’s capable, that his brother still means something to him, and the pressure is already on when Mr. Park looks at Jake and says, “Now you’ve got to get into Yale too! If Andy can do it, so can you!”

The thing is: Jake does get into Yale. It’s not hard- his isolation allows him to work on his schoolwork fairly well, even if he constantly forgets little things and his handwriting is awful and his writing is just barely understandable, because the projects he takes to school and the things he builds in his engineering class boost him up, even when he barely says anything about or for himself. He doesn’t understand how he’s gotten here, but he has. And the fact is that despite everything, he doesn’t get any scholarships (bah, we can afford it. but it’s still disappointing.) When he starts classes, he realizes that something just feels wrong.

The vague freedom he gets from being at uni turns out to be too little for Jake Park. He enjoys the classes, enjoys the freedom, enjoys his work as much as he can- but it all still feels wrong, and he can’t help but feel expectations growing and he knows that he doesn’t want to be the same as Andrew. His brother is aiming for big things - medical school, residency, the whole shebang - and Jake is simply just interested in taking things apart and seeing how they fit back together. He finds pleasure in observing nature and seeing what works, what nature does to itself, the kinds of things that can live on while others fall to sharp teeth and bone crushing jaws. None of that will get him on Andrew’s level, and he doesn’t want to be there.

So his grades begin to droop, his time in his room inflates, and his bed becomes his only reprieve to the depression that lingers in his head, pulling everything from the past onto him like he’s being pelted with an unending rain of stones.

He goes home on break, and tells his father that he’s dropping out.

Mr. Park is enraged - everything was going so well! Why would you stop now?

Jake just can’t handle the pressure anymore, and he needs a break.

There are no breaks for the Parks though, and his father wants him to get right back to his studies. Jake’s not willing, too stubborn to keep doing what he’s told and too upset to think about the consequences of his actions. He packs what’s important, and the convenience of having camped before gives him an idea.

On his way out, he tells his parents that they can find him in the woods if they need him. Otherwise, he has no plans of coming back.

#dead by daylight #dbd #jake park #txt #doc #i believe thats my writing tag. if its not ive fucked up horribly

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ofdragondrumsmobile · 6 years

Text

Rules

HEAD’S UP:

To those of you who are new, thank you for taking the time for stopping by. I know--I know these rules are long, but I've had them tested by many friends to ensure that they are all necessary. There is no password, so please take your time and I'll see you on the other side!

LAST RULE UPDATE: December 09, 2018

Mun

General

I use she/her pronouns and am a cis female so feel free to correct me if I make any -phobic booboos.

Mun is over 25. I’m happy to share my real age, but not so much to update this with every birthday.

Mun faceclaims are Raichu, Marina (Splatoon 2), Iridessa, and occasionally Kagome Higurashi or Jerry Mouse.

You can find links to all of my other active characters on my mun page.

Health

I have several physical and mental disabilities. These include, but are not limited to, Sickle Cell Anemia, Asthma, Depression, Anxiety, and moderate OCD.

Note that there are some things that will trigger my OCD and therefore I will often choose not to follow you for or unfollow for. They include but are not limited to: uncut posts; icons that aren’t circles or squares (circles/squares with excessive decoration are FINE); using full-sized reaction images; and/or a general lack of organization on the blog. Most of these can be addressed, but I will never pressure a mun to change their style or format for me.

Be aware: I am a chronically ill person with many, many characters whose writing schedule is dictated by both her health and muse. I will forget things and disappear/reappear for weeks to even a month at a time from my blogs. As well, I may be very obviously selective/biased, so if this will upset you, my blogs are not for you.

Also, it is incredibly important to understand that due to the fact that I have been on opioids since I was a child, I have impaired memory. I can and will forget things we’ve discussed/written and I just ask for your patience and understanding on this.

I am open to answering questions regarding my health, but I expect you to both know the basics about the diseases and have read THIS PAGE before you approach me.

Personals

Do:

Go ahead and follow! I don’t mind as long as you follow the rules. (Breaking them consistently enough to notice will lead to a block though.)

Like RPs if you like them. (But try to make sure my partner’s okay with that, too!)

Send in memes and questions; just don’t expect them to turn into a thread or anything.

Tell me if you’re following on behalf of a side RP blog cause I won’t check/know otherwise! (Only matters if you follow first.)

Don’t:

Reblog my promos.

Reblog my OOC posts.

Reblog my roleplays.

Following

This is a selective and private blog. This means I don’t follow everyone and I only RP with mutuals.

I will not follow blogs without a rules page. Very rare exceptions are made for blogs that I know for fact are mobile-only. I am slightly more lenient when it comes to about pages, but only if there is significant writing on the blog for me to read through instead.

I am OC and selectively crossover friendly.

I’m cool with multimuse blogs as long as your muses each have an about page for me to read over. I won’t be making exceptions here (unless i already know the writer) simply because I find it impractical to go through the blog and look for writing for each specific muse I want to interact with.

I may several weeks to follow back. This may be due to illness or just not noticing because of how many blogs I run.

I eventually unfollow mutual-only blogs who have not followed me back. This is simply because I like to know I can RP with those on my dash and nothing more.

I do not follow blogs that exclusively use real-life faceclaims (rlfcs). I will also not RP with rlfcs, so if you have a verse that only uses a rlfc, I won’t RP with it. Please note that this applies to people roleplaying live-action characters, as well. Thanks for understanding.

Interaction & Replies

I am EXTREMELY selective about roleplaying with muns under the age of eighteen. Trying to deceive me about your age will lead to a BLOCK.

I am open to using messaging for OOC interaction at all times. IC interactions must be agreed upon beforehand.

All of my open starters and starter calls are for mutuals only unless otherwise stated. Repeated offenses for non-mutuals liking my starter calls will lead to a block.

I go through my thread tracker periodically and try to keep my total thread count (across all accounts) under 11O. I will try to message my partners about threads I drop but understand that I may not always have the energy to do so. You are always welcome to ask about the status of our threads so long as you remain polite and tactful.

Shipping

My blogs will always be multiship.

With that said, I’m on some occasions a ship-exclusive kind of girl. That means I’ll ship with one version of each character. I will always announce if this is going to be the case.

Tags & Triggers

I am blocking the tag #Ky Don’t Look/#Ky Dont Look for phobias related to penises, water, and a few other things. It is imperative that you read over my BLOCKED TAGS AND TRIGGERS for full details.

These triggers are often related to trauma and can give me panic attacks and/or depressive episodes. I will gently remind you a few times, but if it becomes a repeated issue, I will unfollow.

If you need anything special tagged or I’ve forgotten something, please let me know! I won’t bite.

NSFW & Smut

Many of my blogs will contain nsfw themes including but not limited to: themes of depression, violence, bullying, etc. These are rarely (if ever) tagged but can be by request.

Blogs that are considered to be “trigger-heavy” will always have their own disclaimer.

I will only be writing sexual nsfw on discord with 18+ muns that I am comfortable with.

Regarding smut: sometimes it’s difficult for me, sometimes it’s not. I can be extremely squeamish regarding the topic, so I’m very fickle when it comes to these threads. I ask, very simply, that partners who engage in these types of threads with me understand that it is common for me not to finish these threads and I ask that they do not push for replies on these. (Like, ever.) It will make me more self-conscious and, if I’m already panicking about a reply, it will only make it worse.

With that said, I would appreciate it if you didn’t baby me by disallowing me to write these threads. If it makes you personally uncomfortable to write them with me, that’s fine. But it has been deemed a safe and valuable practice by my counselor for me to continue to explore this subject so that, hopefully, I will become more and more comfortable with it. (And, you'll be comforted to know that I am already seeing progress!) So when I’m interested in writing sexual nsfw, please don’t feel as though you need to shy away from me!

Activism & “Drama”

In this house, discussion about x-isms, x-phobias, and injustices as it relates to the roleplay community and/or the fandom is NOT considered drama and therefore it will NOT be tagged as such. HOWEVER:

If you’re reading this on writtenbykaichu or a blog that features a dark-skinned person of color, please be aware that issues such as these are much more likely to be discussed.

Guilt-Free Icons

Yes, I am a mod at guiltfreeicons–Jerry Mod, to be exact.

I will, on very rare occasions, make posts regarding taking requests. Those posts are considered active for 48 hours after the ORIGINAL post was made.

If you need to ask a question about GFI, first read the rules. Then, try contacting us here. If that doesn’t work, contact us here. Most importantly:

Never ever I mean NEVER message me or any of the other mods regarding guiltfreeicons (or making icons for you on the side) on any of our personal or roleplay blogs. We WILL auto-block over this.

Miscellaneous

When it comes to battles, I write with a mix of Anime & Game canon. For that reason, I expect to have full communication with my partners throughout the battle.

I’m always open to writing Gym/Championship Battles, but I’ll only write one or two at a time.

Underestimating my character will just generally lead to a bad time.

Note that there will likely continue to be a lot of Iris and Pokeani related salt on this blog. It’s always tagged, but you have been warned.

Always always always plot out fight threads with me. We don’t have to come up with things step-by-step ahead of time, but I expect to stay in contact with you throughout so that we can be on the same terms with where we’re going and who’s doing what.

Credits

This theme was designed and coded by Kas.

The bulk of my Iris icons are credited to myself and my partners at guiltfreeicons. The rest can be found at: animexiconxdump, aureajuniper, bramblepaw, marshmallows-pokemon-icons, pokecafehouse, pokemoniconhunts, and senbeiedits.

Credits for Kagome Higurashi icons can be found here. All edits were made by me and are for my own personal use.

Most of my Raichu icons were gifted to me by thunderstonereject. If you would like access to these icons, you will need to ask them for their permission. Any public-use icons I have can be found at guiltfreeicons. All edits were made by me and are for my own personal use.

All Jerry icons were cropped and edited by me for my own personal use.

Verse image credits here.

The artwork on this theme was commissioned by me from nerdinsandals and is for my personal use.

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