got nostalgic for my first ever warriors oc... this little girlboss got promoted to a full medic after only three moons training, had an affair with the leader’s son/deputy-to-be that resulted in 6 kits, got taken by twolegs and lived as a kittypet for a while, then when she got home she was killed by a snakebite while collecting herbs. tigerleaf you will always be famous

another raleigh concept but it might be kinda angsty? what if gray and y/n were to get into a fight and y/n leaves. how would raleigh react?

Could you maybe do really throwing a tantrum because yn isn’t here and she wants her and is refusing to come near grayson.

He was dwelling. He hated dwelling, but alas, thats exactly what he was doing, and had been doing for the last three hours since you’d walked out the door for work without a hug or kiss goodbye. 

The fight hadn’t been super monumental, but it was far from pleasant. You were already stressed out with work, and even though Grayson got back from his walk a few minutes late, that was a few minutes too late.

“There you are, what the hell Gray?” You threw your hands up in the kitchen, work bag already over your shoulder.

“I... what? What’s wrong?”

“You’re late, that’s what’s wrong! I should have left 5 minutes ago, but I can’t exactly leave a sleeping 4 year old alone in the house now can I?” You huffed, already moving towards the door to get your shoes on.

“Babe I thought your shift didn’t start until 8, you’ve still got plenty of time to get there.” He glanced down at his watch to double check, make sure that he didn’t have it wrong in his head.

“I have a meeting this morning, at 7:45. That I told you about. Multiple times.”

As soon as she said it he remembered her mentioning it the night before - he may or may not have been too distracted by the fact that she was getting in the shower when she said it. 

“I’m sor-”

“I don’t have time for this right now, I’ve gotta go I’m already late,” you shook your head, grabbing your keys and heading out the door. You almost slammed it behind you but caught yourself at the last second, closing it gently so you didn’t wake Raleigh up.

It seemed like all the women in his life were mad at him that day.

“No.”

“Ra.”

“No.” She crossed her little arms over her chest - something she’d picked up from her Uncle Ethan - and shook her head.

“Believe it or not, it’s not really optional bub. If you wanna go outside, you have to put shoes on. End of story.” He held up the little nike again, which looked like a doll shoe in his large hand. 

“You don’t wear shoeses,” she countered, quirking an eyebrow up. Another Ethan habit. He was gonna have to talk to him about that.

“Remember when you stepped on that bee? And you couldn’t walk for a few days, and daddy had to carry you everywhere? We wear shoes so things like that don’t happen again.” He tried to reason with her, but she wasn’t budging. 

Damn if he hadn’t passed on his own stubbornness. 

She went to run past him again towards the back door and he caught her on instinct. As soon as he had her torso in his hands he knew what was coming. 

A meltdown. 

Sure enough, she started screaming at the top of her lungs, tears streaming as he pulled her to his chest, tried to hold her steady, wait for her to cry it out. But she pushed against him, grunting with the force of trying to move him, something she’d never done before.

So startled, he let her go, trying to ignore the tear of his heart when he realized she didn’t want him.

“Ra, baby hey, it’s okay.”

“NO! I want Y/N!” She screamed, running over to the couch and throwing herself face down onto it. Her little body shook with her cries, but he was frozen to his spot on the carpet.

She’d never asked for anyone but him before. 

There was a fleeting moment of jealousy, but it was immediately washed over by the concern he felt. No matter how much he said he was going to be the strong parent who stuck to his guns, when she cried like that he’d do anything to pacify her.

And he’d watched the only thing she wanted rush out the door that morning, obviously not very happy with him. He ran his hands through his hair, a bit overwhelmed and exhausted at the prospect of trying to calm Raleigh down. 

He took the easy route and pulled up Moana, moving over to the couch to rest his hand on her back, tracing patterns that he knew would calm her down until her tears turned to whimpers and then to deep breaths. She’d cried herself to sleep. He let out a sigh of relief, rubbing a hand over his eyes and laying his head against the couch close to her, hoping she would be a bit calmer with a nap under her belt.

An hour later, she woke up on the wrong side of the couch. Every little thing was a battle, from eating lunch to just sitting in the living room. Nothing was satisfying to her, nothing could soothe her, and all she wanted was you. Everything was just going to hell in a hand basket - he hadn’t remembered a day when things had been this bad since she was teething. It had him on the verge of tears by 6pm, so he did the only thing he knew to do these days. 

hey. I know this morning wasn’t great, and I’m really sorry about making you late. It totally slipped my mind, but thats just an excuse. I’m not sure if you were planning on coming back over tonight or going to your place, but Raleigh has been a lowkey holy terror today and she won’t stop asking for you. You don’t have to come obviously, and I hope this doesn’t come off like a guilt trip, I’m just kinda out of options. And of course I’d love to see you, you know that, but it’s up to you. I love you

Little did he know that you were punching in the gate code and coming up the driveway as he typed. You read it with a frown as you parked - the drive to work had been stressful, but you’d made it to the meeting with 1 minute to spare and the rest of the day had actually gone pretty well. Your annoyance had faded throughout the day and all you wanted was to have a nice night in with your boyfriend and Ra. You’d seen Raleigh on a bad day before, but from the sounds of it she was in rare form. So you braced yourself, threw your bag over your shoulder and headed for the door.

Two identical sets of brown eyes turned to see you, both just as surprised to see you in the doorway.

“Y/N!!!!” Raleigh squealed, jumping up off the couch and running towards you. You scooped her up like usual, giving her a squeeze before you leaned back to look at her.

“Can we do nails now?” She asked, eyes bright and excited. You’d told her that if she was good all week that you would have a little homemade manicure night with her, a chance for Grayson to get some work done, though you knew he’d come in and let her paint his nails if she asked.

“Well miss Raleigh, do you remember our deal? What did we have to do to earn nail night?” 

Her eyes went wide - she obviously thought you had no idea what had gone down all day.

“Um...”

“I don’t think you were very nice to your daddy today. What do you think?” 

She tucked her chin, toying with the fabric of your shirt. “No. I’s not very nice today.” 

“Well then, I think we might need to fix that before we have nail night. Here,” you leaned in to her ear so you could whisper. “Why don’t you go say sorry to daddy and then ask if he wants to do nails.” 

She nodded quickly, wiggling until you put her down. She beelined for where he was sitting on the carpet, throwing her arms around his neck. He caught her automatically, holding her to him, but his eyes were on you. 

“I’s sorry daddy,” she murmured into his neck.

“It’s okay baby. Thank you for saying sorry,” he sighed, pressing a kiss to her temple. You could tell he’d had a long day just from looking at him.

“You wanna do nails wif us?” 

“Nails? You wanna do nails? Only if you promise to paint mine, you do them the best,” he smiled, putting on his best show of enthusiasm. 

An hour and a half later, he was in bed with 9 lime green fingernails (she’d gotten bored and left his pinky blank), watching you get ready for the night. You moved over to him, climbing in bed next to him. You’d barely settled before he was practically on top of you, head buried in your chest and arms wrapped around you, asking to be held. 

You obliged, wrapping him up as best you could, pressing kisses to his hair and running your finger over his bare skin.

“Rough day?”

“Roughest,” he mumbled, kissing your arm when it got close enough to his face. “As usual you saved the day though. I wasn’t sure if you were gonna come back tonight.” 

“I haven’t stayed at my place in two weeks Gray,” you mumbled, nuzzling into his hair before he turned to look at you. “Sorry for being snippy this morning, I was just stressed out.”

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for, it was my fault. Thank you for coming over.”

“I couldn’t miss nail night,” you teased, leaning down to kiss his nose. His eyes fluttered closed for a moment before he looked at you seriously.

“Is that why you came back?”

“No. I’m not mad. Honestly once I made it to my meeting on time I was fine. But if you’re asking if I would have come back for nail night even if you’d royally pissed me off, then yes, I would have.”

He moved then, pushing himself up with an arm.

“Really? Why?”

“Cause Raleigh has nothing to do with what’s going on with us. If I promise that little girl something I’m gonna follow through every time that I possibly can. Gotta show her that I mean what I say, you know?” 

It felt like common sense when you said it, but you would never fully be able to understand how much that sentiment meant to Grayson. The fact that he’d found someone who cared so much about his daughter was the only thing he could have ever asked for, and you gave him so much more.

A bit overwhelmed, he couldn’t find the right words. Instead he ducked down to kiss you, lips rough and demanding against yours. It made you laugh a bit as you pulled him down on top of you.

“Oh that’s what does it for you huh? Good to know,” you teased as he moved to kiss your neck.

“Good parenting principles? Fuck yeah it does.”

Idea series oc sneaking Tae in the house after he had big fight with his father about something (your choice if it's smutty or fluff or angsty) with a peek of a vurberable Tae? Honestly i think he would change the topic as soon as he started it and prob with sex.

Anyway I'm really interest in their family dynamic since I remember don't know if it was in part one or two that you mention they have really religious parents? And seeing how harsh their dad is with Taehyung it have me wondering how is his relationship with the mother and ocs with both parents, despite everything the seem really distant from their kids, maybe thats why Tae and YN find comfort in each other. OC is the first real bond Tae made with someone so maybe that's the reason of his fear of being replaced and his obsession with her, and ocs mother probably don't pay that much attention to her so that's why even after the incident she still want him to be there. At this point I'm just rambling I'm sorry. And this ask is all over the place, started with a request and ended questioning characters life 💀💀. Sorry hehe.

when i read this yesterday i was literally blown away by this like hOLY shit your analysis is so in-depth at first i was like damn do my characters have more than oNE DIMENSION?? WHICH IS RLY FLATTERING BUT I THINK ITS JUST UR WORDS THAT MADE ME SOUND SMART 💀💀💀 the ending is chef's kiss tho made me bust a lung SHFJJD thank you so much for taking the time to write this its honestly so fucking amazing. hopefully u can see more of their family dynamic in this drabble :)

Rays of sunlight slither through the cracks in the blinds of the living room, allowing Taehyung's father enough light to scan the newspaper he holds in his hand, with the musical, happy chirping of mockingbirds filling in the silence. All of these beautiful signs of nature and peaceful rotation of the earth makes Taehyung tense up even more.

The moment he got back home from buying drugs, his father greeted him in monotone with a, "would you sit with me for a moment?" and he hasn't spoken since. The zipperbag in his pocket crinkles every time he shifts in his seat, making him cringe momentarily before he starts nervously fidgeting again.

This is so awkward and yet equivalent to hearing: we need to talk. God, why is he so silent?

Clearing his throat, Taehyung stands just as his father flips a page with a lick of his thumb. "I'm going to my room really quick."

"No."

"Oh." When will his step-mother return? She's his only hope as he sits down while avoiding looking at his father, whose gaze is set on the black and white printed pages.

It's only a minute later when he talks without diverting his gaze.

"Your sister is in her room, researching her major to get a headstart on a typical syllabus."

"Smart," he comments with disinterest and nibbles on his upper lip.

"Taehyung, how was your attendance in college?" he folds the newspaper and curiously peeks at his son, who is doing a poor job at hiding his nerves.

"It was alright–"

"Lying is a sin, son," his movements are aristocratic when he leans his chin on his fist. "Don't lie."

"I'm not," he stammers and his eyes flicker, "it was bad at the beginning of the year, but I fixed it."

His father pinches the bridge of nose where his frames lie. "I love your sister, Taehyung," he sighs and takes off his glasses, "I want her to do well. I've given up on you, but her? She can accomplish great things if you're not there to influence her. You're a bad influence. Are you following me?"

Taehyung nods dumbly with a racing heart before registering his words and shaking his head. "What?" he blurts. "I used to help her with her homework all the time–"

"You were home once every month."

"Just because you didn't see me doesn't mean I didn't see her," he coldly says. That's not entirely accurate, but it is true that he saw you more than he saw his parents before he started living here again. For you.

His father is taken aback, offended as he scoffs, "You avoided me and your mother, and yet have the face to stay in our home?" He stands up and passes the coffee table that was Taehyung's only barrier to hover over him with distance. "I expected so much more from you, but you can't even do the bare minimum. An adult without a stable job, respectable girlfriend, and embarrassing grades. I'm ashamed to have raised such a boy, for I can't even call you a man."

Taehyung abruptly stands but he continues, "If you can't even pay rent, go back to that landfill you came from."

"I have to pay rent to live with my family?" He's livid and his hands shake by his sides; they're taking you away from him because what? He isn't the son they wanted him to be?

"You've made it clear that the only thing keeping you here is my daughter," he blindly points at the closed door of your room, "and you will have to try much harder to see her again. Get your life together, and you can come back."

Taehyung's face is heated with anger from the injustice. "What the fuck?! This is such bullshit; you're kicking me out?"

His father frowns at his language, growling, "Taehyung! I will not let you drag her down that path with you. When you stop destroying everything you touch, I'll gladly let you live here."

Destroy? He hasn't done any harm to anyone—especially not you. He knows he's self-destructive, but it doesn't extend to his environment. If he fails, it's his failure, but his father takes it personally instead of encouraging him to do better.

The importance of reputation and success in this family enrages him; he's aware that he's not much of an affectionate person either, but a little love wouldn't hurt to witness in the household.

Instead of defending himself or speaking his mind, he obliges bitterly.

"You need to get laid," are his last words before he slams the door and opens the zipper bag to pop a pill. Ecstasy isn't so fun when you're not around, but he can use the distraction. It's been a bad day.

He flips off a stray cat idling around the garden before casually leaving the property.

—————

Studying isn't fun for you, never has been, never will be. Though you hate every second of it, it does give you something to do to make time pass faster. You've been tutoring yourself about things you'll learn sooner or later anyway, but you guess it doesn't hurt to have to study less when the time comes.

You check the time. It's approaching night at 9 PM, and your father wouldn't protest against a break now, hopefully. He only suggested that you should start studying, but you know what his suggestions really mean.

Do it, or get shamed into doing it with subtle glances.

As if that isn't enough, he constantly checked up on you throughout the day. He wasn't exactly giving you a choice, which irks you.

But that's done and over with, and there's a more pressing matter at hand: where is Taehyung? You heard bits and pieces of the argument, but you couldn't get the whole scoop. You worry he's going to go back to his old habits of never being here, rarely seeing you. He would've been hanging out with you six hours ago out of routine... It can't just be you being clingy. Something happened.

You: are you coming home tonight?

The response takes a few minutes.

taehyung: nop

taehyung: but i am coming to ur room

taehyung: cuz ik u cant sleep without me 😖

You: actually the opposite but ok lol

You: when are you coming

taehyung: whenever u want uwu

You: uwu...?

You: just come before it gets too late

—————

So that was a lie. It's 1 AM and still no word from Taehyung. Okay, maybe you're just being clingy now, but it's unlike him not to be clingy. Maybe he wanted to cool off for a long time after his tak with your step-dad, or simply wanted to hang out with his friends after spending all of his time with you.

That makes sense. What doesn't is the slide of your window and shuffling of your curtains. You instantly sit up in your bed and clutch your blanket closer. You watch a silhouette enter your room as you pick up your limp, your tense muscles relaxing only when you recognize the intruder. You put down the lamp with a click of your tongue, ignoring the relief in your pounding heart.

"Hey," he stupidly grins at you. He looks disheveled, clothes untucked and wrinkled, and from the little light you have, you can see his redshot eyes.

"There's also the door," you remark sassily. "Are you um... high?"

He shrugs and crawls in your bed, dismissive as usual. You both make an effort to keep your voices quiet.

"I talked to mom earlier," you ease into the discussion until he butts in.

"That's great."

You roll your eyes and prop an elbow to look down at him. His head lies on his hands while staring at you, mood strangely upbeat. He's definitely high.

"She was a little sad about something, and I know it involves you. I heard you talking to–" You're interrupted with a lingering peck, a little rough in its force but not unwelcomed.

"I've missed kissing you. Shouldn't you be asleep, by the way?"

Recovering from the unexpected attack, you reply, "It's not that late. I don't have to wake up early."

"You shouldn't ruin your sleep schedule," he tucks a hair strand behind your ear without taking his eyes off of you. "Staying up is hard to stop once you start."

"Yeah, you're a great example," you joke with a quiet giggle. Whispering with him feels intimate in a heart fluttering way. His heart pangs with a feeling he can't put a finger on. "You didn't answer my question."

"Hm?"

"Don't play dumb, I'm really curious. What happened with dad?"

"A lot of things happen with dad," he shrugs, "sometimes we play catch–"

"Taehyung," you give him a pointed look, and he giggles.

"You're right, he'd never play catch with me." He groans as he stretches in your bed before trapping you with his arms on either side of you in one motion. You don't know what he's trying to do, but you watch him above you in amusement. "No offence, but when is your mom not sad when my dad is around?" he laughs with a huff.

"That's rude, Tae," you remark seriously, "she's happy when you're around."

Taehyung's smile falters like yours, his happy guise crumbling when he says, "Are you?"

"Pfft," you roll your eyes, "What do you think? I was up waiting for you."

Ah. That's not a very good influence.

"I'm here now," he whispers, "go to sleep. It's okay, I won't do anything, I know you worked hard today."

You agree with a yawn and nod. But even in your sleepy state, you can read the room—Taehyung is especially attentive of his tone and volume aside from being so tense. "Are you alright?"

"I'm in and on ecstasy," he falls back on his former spot, "I can't not be alright."

"Taehyung, I haven't seen you all day–"

"Yeah, because I didn't want to be here," he looks at you dead in the eye, "and I don't want you to be here."

You blink rapidly, slightly shaking your head in confusion, "What are you saying?"

"Move in with me."

He's met with cold silence, so he persuades persistently, "Don't you want to get away from here? You'll have so much more freedom with me, and I can help you with your assignments and everything. It'll be perfect."

"I— do you... Where?" Taehyung is high and he doesn't know what he's saying is what you believe because this is so out of the blue, so irrational, but he describes it like it's utopia; you are not completely against the idea.

"I have enough money from drug dealing to rent an apartment, and you can tell dad that you want to move out to be like an adult or whatever, that you have a stable job, without mentioning me," he rambles, and his dilated pupils are more noticeable up close; it slightly puts you off.

"Wh-what about mom?"

He scoffs, "If she wants out, she can get her second divorce. Don't worry about them; after all, they're apparently the only real adults here," he relates back to not being worthy of being called a man. You shift away from him little by little. "Just trust me."

The phrase is triggering for you, a reminder of the time you were tricked into trusting him moments before your trauma. "We'll talk about this when you're sober," you meekly say, avoiding eye contact.

A wicked smile grows on his face, "I can't wait, princess."

3 and 27:))

Hello ma'am! Ily and imy!!!! I hope you're doing good!!

03: Do you regret anything?

Seriously speaking, not getting studying done sooner because of procrastination. And also not having talked to my parents about architecture sooner. I literally started thinking about it seriously day before yesterday after talking to mom and dad. But ehh i just gotta study hared now.

And non-seriously, not taking the chance and going to the stationery with dad to buy stuff lmao

I went with mom and got just one fineliner pen.

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

Tbh yes and twice. Or maybe thrice? Four times??? idk if one of them was a hearbreak or actually just a prank.

Anyways buckle the fuck up we're in for a story time and this is gonna be a stupid ride

Okay, first the 'prank' (now that i think about it it was definitely not a prank). i was in the 7th grade and this one dude from my class came up to me while i was boarding the bus to go home and handed me a piece of paper. And im here confused as to what the f u c k? The dude was kinda like in the competition for the top rank in class (we were very competetive, there were like 5 of us) so i was just confused. I got in the bus and opened the paper. And it had a bunch of stuffs that i dint bother reading because the first thing my eyes landed on was 'will you be the annabeth to my percy?' And (yes i was a huge pjo fan that the time) i got out of the bus and literally yote the paper in the trash (cruel, yes i know. But listen. The dude used to tease me by literally shipping me with another classmate (thats also another story) and GOD that was so fucking ａｎｎｏｙｉｎｇso yes i was angry. And i legit didnt like any of the people in my class. All of them were just,,,, nah. Sobyea next day he asked me 'so?' And i said ',,,so what??' And he's like 'whats your reply?' And i straight up said 'uh i threw the paper' and he just turned around and left.

And then we became enemies-ish and literally fought hand-to-hand once (i was kicking so hand to foot i guess?) But ye that happened. And then a bunch of more stuff happened and by the time my dad was gonna get a promotional transfer to another place half the class became like one big group of friends and we became pretty good friends in the end.

Now lets talk about the dude who i got shipped with. I got teased for a whole year and like we were all pretty good friends right? So i didnt mind it in the beginning but then it got too overwhelming in the middle and it literally made me hate every single one of them. But then it got subdued and we decided we'll maybe date? And we didnt exactly say that out loud but he used to walk me to my bus (okay so the bus system at my old schoom was like a few buses were inside the campus and a few were outside. His was inside and mine out, so he used to walk me there. And then one day he said lets hold hands (and we did it was cute and we held hands and walked to my bus for like 2-3 days but then had to stop bc people started teasing us, we didnt end it on bitter terms btw. He used to have like taekwondo practice int he last period and we usually had english then so while going to the buses i used to give him my notes for the day.)

And like a few days later we realised that sure this is nice but he was gonna move schools soon and i legit wasnt that interested in relationships at the time so we 'ended' whatever that was. And on his last day when he dropped me off to my bus he asked me if i had a phone so we could keep in touch and i didnt have it so i said no and he was like 'hmm okay, bye take care' and left. And then his best friend stayed behind and jokingly said 'ah you broke his heart'

Yea okay two down two to go.

Third dude was in my bus and in my class and the friend group which was made up of half the class and wow i feel bad about everything w/ everyone now lmao

Anyways this was in 8th grade. So we were pretty good friends because we were in the same bus and class for the past 3 years now and considering my dad's profession thats a long time in the same place (its usually just one year) and ye so we were pretty close. Everyone in the bus used to olay team up games like charades and stuff

(ah shit i remember a fifth one in the colony damn i hate this)

Anyways number three, so we used to talk a lot. I'd gotten instagram by this time for art stuff so we talked there a lot. Like we sent each other memes and he got my weird and cursed meme shit and also got into anime and bts a bit to understand what the fuck i was saying. And he used to get teased because middle schoolers and junior highschoolers are stupid kids in those terms so ye there was a lot of teasibg which i tried to instantly shoot down because i didnt want a 7th grade repeat when there were chances of dad getting transfered soon coz i want good memories of the place y'know? So ye that happened. And i found out last year (in 11th grade and after dad got the transfer (i started 10th grade after the transfer) and apparently he got teased because he did actually like me and me shooting all that stuff down was literally just a rejection itself so that happened.

And number 4 was a similar thing but way more stressy because last year some random dude hit me up on Instagram and im here confused as to what the fuck? Ｗｈｏｍｓｔ？ and he says he's a friend of the first dude, second dude and the fourth dude (all of them are in the same coaching institute and 1,2 and 4 were also in my class in the past right. They were 3 of the 5 who were in the competition for top rank) and he legit says he wants to talk to the girl that two of his friends fought over and i'm like sir WHAT the Actual ＦＵＣＫ. because in the begining they were good friends in class right? And they had some unknown falling out and im like bitch literally WHAT the FUCK. So he brings up proof and shut because i didnt believe him and fuck off he also broght in another classmate who knew and im here losing my mind because the actual fuck you motherfuckers. Anyways apparently since i didnt like 4 back, he had his heart broken so eh. It was literally a 4 year old thing which those idiots were fighting over even now like dude the hell???

So ye that happened and a whole gc was made and shit was solved and cleared out blah blah freindship rebuilt yadda yadda bullcrap i got so tired by now that i literally am still kinda ignoring everyone rn. (half the reason why i deleted ig was because its distracting and half bc i wanna ignore them all lmao)

Anyways number 5 was in my colony and also in my bus when he used to go to the same school (he shifted to a boarding school later bc some stuff happened w his dad which is a whole another wild thing) and ooh he was also my neighbor! We used to go and play badminton in the clubhouse (literally all the kids of our age group and older used to go there. And after badminton when it was like 7:30 or 8 we used to just sit around in a circle and play truth or dare or red hands or kabbadi or literally anything we could think of. Fun times ngl.) So ye he was on a trip home on a long weekend i think and we ended up cycling around the colony, just us two hanging out. And we were talking and this one girl who he told me was his crush when he was still in school came up and he then told me that that was actually a codename thing he and his friend created and that was their codename for me and he also said he was over it now and i was just there completely shook because i honestly thought he hated me in the middle somewhere lmao. And he said he was just annoyed because another mutual friend of ours in the colony told him that i had a crush on this other guy like one house away from mine (my best friends house was in the middle lmao) (anyways that mutual frined the traitorous mf i truStEd her (actually i'd already confessed to the dude and got turned down i legit wasnt even that invested so it wasnt a big deal. I just wanted to kinda get done with this crush thing once and for all. He turned me down politely. He's a sweet guy he used to be there i the club after i was done with my coaching stuff around 7:30 and then us two played till like 9. It was nice) so ye he told me about his crush on me which lasted a few months??? and that he was over it and i also told him that i'd gotten the rejection from my crush a loooong time ago and he's like huh cool. and ye we kept cycling and talking ab more random stuff till it was time to head home .

ｗｈｅｗ ANYWAYS THERE WAS A LOT TO UNPACK HERE. Anyways- sjdvskdb thanks for the ask this was a wild ride down memory lane. I didnt even remember half the shit till it came down to it.

🌹HIGHSCHOOL SWEETHEARTS🌹

arón piper preference

*

*

-it was your first day of senior year at the new school

-your mom and dad made you move to spain by the beginning of august and its was september when you first set a foot into your new hell

-of course your alarm didnt go off and you were almost late

-you were wearing black jeans with a red tight shirt and a flannel on top

-your hair was up in a messy bun that still looked kinda stylish

-when you walked through the strange looking hallway you got more and more nervous

-what if they would be mean?

-what if they dont speak english?

-what if they hate me because im new?

-you worried a lot

-but you had no choice but to enter the classroom with the number 121

-since it wasnt 9 yet there werent many people and no one even noticed you walking in

-you sat down on a free chair in the back and put your backpack on the floor

-then you started observing

-the girls looked alright, they didn’t look like people that would treat you like shit

-there were two boys laughing and talking in spanish pretty loudly

-and there was this one guy sitting in the opposite corner, hood over his head and his phone in his hands

-from the way he was sitting he seemed bored, maybe tired?

-you could only see a bit of his face though he looked kind of sad

-but maybe he was just tired because it was the first day after summer and all

-after everyone had sat down a very tall woman came in and put her name onto the board

-she looked strict

-then she started talking in spanish and you knew you were fucked

-this was supposed to be english class but they were still speaking spanish

-so you leaned back and looked around and kind of ignored the teacher

-you didn’t understand anyway

-until you heard your name

-„y/n trabaja con arón, no?“

-you raised your hand and spoke:“sorry i don’t understand, what about me?“

-the teacher smiled and answered:“oh right you‘re the new girl. I just said that you will be working with Arón.“

-„work on what?“ you asked confused

-she came up to you and then explained:“We do this every year that the students team up and do a project together. This years topic is „drama“, you could either talk about a dramatic book or movie in general or become creative.“

-you nodded at her and eventually looked around to figure out who this arón is

-„when‘s the project due?“

-she walked back to the front and said:“You got a month“ in a harsh tone suddenly

-after the first 4 classes you were sitting outside looking through the english text book when someone stepped into your view

-you looked up

-„hola.“ the guy with the hood from before stood there

-„hey.“ you answered and he looked around while putting both his hands in his pockets

-„im arón.“ he then said

-you looked at him and replied:“Okay?“

-„yes.“ arón said back

-„ohhh right! Project partner!“

-he nodded and then asked:“Do you want to start today?“

-you nodded as well and answered:“sure, at your place?“

-aron agreed and then gave you his number so you could text about it again

-its been 3 weeks of you two working on the project when you finally had the courage to ask him

-„why do i never see you talking to anyone in our class?“

-he seemed alone all the time

-and you were a little concerned because from what you‘ve seen he‘s a really nice guy with a huge heart

-he was a little shy but could be hilarious and charming occasionally

-you guys were sitting on his desk just finishing some posters

-„i think its because the other boys are better?“

-he looked sad again

-„what why?“ you asked seriously not understanding his statement

-he leaned back, scratched the back of his head and replied:“i dont know, they just dont like me. Im not really attractive i think.“

-you were seriously mad at him now

-why would he think that?

-i mean you werent ready to date him after knowing him for only 3 weeks but you could imagine it after some time

-„you dont think you‘re attractive?“ you asked looking deep into his chocolate eyes, trying to understand what he was thinking

-„no.“ he simply spoke and put on a fake smile

-„oh no, arón.“

-without waiting for a response you hugged him as tight as you could

-it took him a bit to hug back but then he grabbed onto your waist

-„dont say that, ever! You‘re a great guy!“

-he laughed quietly and let go of you again

-„i swear, you‘re cute! And you‘re the only person who was nice enough to talk to me. Well.. you kind of had to because of the project but its been 3 weeks and no one except you showed any interest in me.“

-arón smiled at you and pulled up his sleeves. „you‘re really nice. i like you.“

-„i like you too cabrón.“

-he laughed, showing the gap inbetween his front teeth

-„you learned a spanish word!“ he clapped a little

-„thank you.“ you laughed too and then said „gracias guapo.“

-he grinned and then asked:“do you know what you just said?“

-„no.“ you smiled and leaned back

-aron leaned forward and whispered:“you just called me hot“

-you shrugged your shoulders and just answered:“well.“

-another couple of weeks later you and aron got really close and you spent almost every minute together

-in your breaks he taught you spanish, which you slightly failed but it made him laugh hearing you mispronounce words

-and it made you happy seeing this cute boy laugh

-after class you guys hung out

-either watched a movie, spent some more time with spanish, walking through Luarca or playing video games

-you felt like now you guys were on a level where arón was fully comfortable around you

-he told you about the problems with his parents and then he told you the story why no one talked to him in class

-„it was 2 years ago.“ he spoke taking deep breaths every now and then

-you were sitting in front of him looking at his face while he was telling you the story

-„i was with this girl, her name‘s Ana (sorry if thats your name). I did everything to make her happy but it was never enough. She cheated on me with this soccer player and told everyone that i cheated on her. No one believed her because someone saw her kiss this boy.

But then one day she came to school with scars and black spots and when the teacher asked what happened she said i hit her, which is not true! She cried in front of everyone so they believed her. I was suspended and now everyone in school now thinks im aggressive.“

-he had started crying a little while telling you the story

-„arón no!“ you took him in your arms and gave him a kiss on his soft curls

-„i believe you! You wouldnt hit anyone.“

-aron hugged you tightly and rubbed your back softly

-„te quiero“ he then told you but since your spanish was still bad you didnt know what it meant and just kind of ignored his statement

-the next day in class you told aron to talk to one of his ex best friends and first he didnt want to but you kind of forced him

-when he walked up to him and sat down you could hear this guy getting loud right away

-aron talked to him for a while, more like discussing

-he this guy hit him in the jaw and aron stumbled backwards

-„hijo de puta!“ you heard aron yell at the guy but unfortunately the teacher was right behind him

-„Arón Piper. Oficina del director. Ahora.“

-he gave you a quick glance, grabbed his back and then left the classroom looking hella mad

-„he didnt do anything! He hit him.“ you then basically yelled at the teacher

-„y/n please sit down.“ she spoke and pointed at your seat

-„no its fucking unfair how aron is being treated here. Dont you see how painful it must be to be hated because of a misunderstanding?“

-the teacher had lightly grabbed your arm to calm you down

-„y/n, please.“

-a girl then stood up and said:“arón is an asshole and a loser. Also why do you hang out with him? Like, you could have better.“ she looked at a certain guy in the front row

-you couldnt believe it

-„god you guys suck so bad! Ive known aron for only a month now and i already know that he‘s a better person than you all together! You know why? Because he‘s a real human fucking being. He is nice, caring and sweet and doesnt judge anyone by their looks, whats wrong with you people?“

-„y/n enough! Principals office!“ your teacher yelled back at you making you stomp out full of anger

-at the principals office you found out that aron only got told to be nicer to them

-„what happened to you?“ he asked coming your way in the hallway

-but you were too mad to talk so you walked a little faster

-and grabbed his head

-you kissed him rather roughly in the middle of the hallway

-he was surprised but kissed you back and put his hands on your waist

-your kiss was rough yet passionate and sweet

-you felt like he let it all out

-all thats ever made him upset

-and you just wanted his kisses

-he was the perfect guy for you

-no matter how he saw himself

-he was good looking, smart, talented, sweet and the best spanish teacher you‘d ever imagined

-„arón piper! Y/n y/l/n, you can come back here right away.“

-you pulled away

-the principal was standing in the door staring at both of you

-„puta.“ you whispered, then smiled at him and grabbed his hand to pull him to the principals office

-„here we go again.“

A Happy Man (Part 2)

A/N: Hello beauties! This is the sequel to my first ever angst piece “You’ll Be Okay” and I really love it! It’s loosely based off the song Die A Happy Man by Thomas Rhett! As always, if you enjoyed/have questions/comments/suggestions/all of the above, please let me know! I love hearing from y'all so much and I love you all to bits!

Word Count: 3.1k

Masterlist            Part 1

“Have a nice Saturday love.”

Your phone buzzed on the end table next to your spot on the couch, indicating another incoming message from Harry. And just like every other day, you left the message unanswered. For the past 4 days, like clockwork, he had sent you a text at exactly 8:15am, wishing you a good day, and another at 9:30pm reminding you that he loves you. After walking out of yours and Harry’s hotel’s room 4 days ago, you had immediately flown home and showed up a sobbing mess at your parent’s doorstep. Upon the door opening, you found your father raising a baseball bat and your mother hidden on the staircase, in fear of an intruder – as it was the early hours of the morning – a sight you would laugh at if it were any other circumstance. Once your parents realized it was just you, and that you were a wreck, they quickly ushered you inside and to the couch, so you could explain what was wrong. That was days ago, and here you were, still seated in the same spot, staring off into space while your parents watched from the entryway.

“She’s going to start growing into the couch if she doesn’t move Y/M/N.” your dad whispered, or at least whispered as much as a dad was capable.

There was a small thud, and you knew your mom had gently smacked your father’s chest, “He meant a lot to her. She just needs some time.”

“And she can hear you both.” You turned your head to look at the two of them huddled together. “I appreciate you letting me crash here, but you don’t have to dote over me. I’m a big girl. Go to the Christmas Tree Shop or whatever it is you retired folk do.” You tried to crack a smile, but you knew it looked more like grimace.

“Oh hunny, you don’t have to thank us. You’re our baby, of course you are always welcome here.” Your mom cooed as she scuttled across the room to sit next to you and run her fingers through your hair, “Everything’s going to work itself out. I promise.”

“My offer still stands monkey. You let me know where he is, and I’ll go have a nice little chat with Harold.” Your dad smiled, still standing at the entryway.

“No dad. The last thing I want is for you to talk to him right now. It would only make things worse. I mean, I didn’t break up with him. I just told him I needed time. So that’s what I’m doing. Taking some time.” You took a deep breath, talking more to yourself than to your parents now, “Not broken up.”

~~~

“She broke up with me, mum.” Harry’s groan was muffled by the thick white duvet as he laid face down on his hotel bed, still in yesterday’s clothes. “I’ve tried to talk to her every day, and there’s no reply.” Similarly to Y/N, Harry had spent the last 4 days in the same position; wallowing in self-pity and crying to his mother.

“She didn’t my dear. You told me what she said, and she just needs some time.” Anne was seated next to her son, running her hands through his short curls, “You have to understand where she’s coming from. The two of you have been strong for two years, this is just a small bump. Everyone goes through them.”

“Not us, mum. We don’t do this. We never fight, and we never walk away from each other. We’re best friends. Or, we were at least.”

“The two of you are two peas in a pod, don’t doubt that Harry. You have a very busy life, and I mean this with every ounce of love I have for you,” Harry turned his head to peak out from under the blanket to look at Anne, “but you do tend to put quite a lot on your plate. And you never were one for clearing your plate. You’ve been so focused on finding things to keep you busy during this time off, that you’ve put some things to the back burner. Some important things.”

It was like Harry was transported back in time, listening to the bustling streets below while everyone carried on with their lives. Like he wasn’t losing his mind 14 floors above their heads. He knew his mum was right. He always wanted to have a plan a, and a plan b, and plan c, but there was never a risk for that lifestyle before. Never the chance for his precisely planned life to cause such an uproar. But here he was, a weeping, snotty, mess because he planned for everything except his love leaving him.

“Let me ask you, Harry. All of the money, the designer clothes, the followers, notoriety, is it all what’s most important to you? Would you be the happiest with only that?”

His head was shaking before Anne could even finish her questions. There was no doubt in his mind that everything he has, everything his unprecedented luck has been able to provide him, meant nothing if he had no one to share it with. No one to come home to laugh about cute fan encounters with. Nothing without anyone to call up when the silence of empty hotel rooms becomes too much.  “Absolutely not.”

“Then in your heart, you know what to do.” She nodded and patted Harry’s back before getting up and disappearing through the front door.

~~~

“Alright, look munchkin. I love you, you know that. But the ass that’s supposed to be making a dent in the couch is mine. I didn’t retire for you to beat me to it.” Your dad plopped down on the couch next to you. “You have a bed upstairs for that.”

“Can’t dad. ‘ve got pictures of him up there. Don’t wanna look at them right now.” You paused, hearing your mother on the phone, for the 4thtime today, “Who she keep talking to?”

You heard him huff next to you, “Who knows. She’s always got something new to gossip about these days. This week, it’s been about Martha leaving the office to go to the company upstairs.”

You were thankful for your dad. While your mother was always the one to sit you down and talk some sense into you when something was going awry, your dad was the comedic relief you needed. He always knew how to take your mind off of the seriousness of life. Which Is exactly what you needed right now.

“I wasn’t going to say anything, ya know, because of the reason you’re here and all, but you smell kid. I don’t know how it works across the pond, but over here we have these things called showers. It’s real neat, you go in and wash you-“

“Oh my god, shut up dad. We have showers for fucks sake.” You laughed, leaning over to rest your head on his shoulder. The two of you sat in silence for a moment, the soft murmur of Netflix and your soft breathing filled the air.

“Everything’s going to work out darling. Everyone goes through a rough patch, and it was about time the two of you had yours.” He stopped for a moment, “You know, your mother and I separated for a couple of months.”

Your head shot up at that and looked wide eyed at your father. For your entire life, you idolized your parent’s relationship and wished for nothing more than to achieve what they have. You never would have imagined that they went through any sort of issues. “No you didn’t! When?”

“You were about a year old. I was working double shifts every week while she stayed home with you. She wanted to be able to be there for you every day, watch you grow, and I would have loved nothing more, but someone had to pay for all the diapers you shit in.” you both chuckled, “Me not being home was too much for her and she told me she needed time. Sound familiar?”

“How’d you get past it?”

“I had been staying with your uncle for a couple months, and then woke up one morning, looked in the mirror and told myself I was an idiot for walking away so easily. So, I went back to the house, sat her down, told her how much I loved her and that I was working so hard so that the two of you could have the best lives possible. That’s all I want – the two of you to be happy and not worry about anything.”

The tears were starting to form in your eyes, thinking about how similar your situation is to what your parents went through. Not wanting to sit and cry in front of your dad, again, you patted his knee and stood up.

“About time I go shower, yeah? Wash this stink off.” you smiled and made your way to the staircase, leading to the second floor of your childhood home.

“I love you kiddo.” Your dad called after you, making some warmth spread through your relatively cold body.

In any other situation, you would be disgusted with yourself that this was your first shower in 4 days. But showering was the last thing on your mind recently. As you stood under the searing water, you thought over everything your father had said. Everything he spoke about, you knew is how Harry felt. He told you every chance he got that he loved providing for you, loved being able to make you smile. And it didn’t take much. You got so much joy just by watching in achieve the things he dreamed of and standing behind the scenes to see just how much the love of your life has achieved. But that wasn’t what caused your departure. You had watched Harry make room in his busy life for countless people, so why couldn’t he do that for someone he loved? You thought back to your trip to Italy and hung your head. In his own way, you realized, he did.  After canceling your museum tour, he had the two of your sit in bed all night and watch a Italian historical documentary. Brought you to the private hotel pool with a bottle of wine after not being able to go to the beach and left you a note the morning of your cancelled breakfast date. You realized these were all ways he showed you he cared and wasn’t trying to put work ahead of you. And here you were, standing in your parent’s shower, ignoring all his loving messages every day, just so you could justify your leaving. Quickly shutting off the water, you grabbed a towel and made a beeline to your old room, needing to get dressed and find your phone. You had apologizing to do.

You ran down the stairs, after throwing on some old black sweats and a white t-shirt, your hair still dripping from the shower and leaving a trail of water in your path. Getting to the space you were occupying on the couch, you noticed that your phone was no longer on the charger, “Mom! Where did you move my phone?”

No response.

“Seriously mom! I need to use my phone.”

Again, not response, just the sound of glasses clinking in the kitchen.

“I can hear you in the kitchen. If you’re ignoring me because you’re on the phone with someone from the office, talking about Martha again, I swear I’m gon-“ you choked on your sentence upon entering the kitchen, where you expected to find your mother.

The two of you stared at each other like deer caught in headlights, not knowing what to do or say. A wine glass was gently set down, and the room was so silent that you could hear the silent ringing it made when making contact with the marble countertop. You could feel your breathing start to pick up when he licked his lips and whisper a soft “Hi.”

“He – wha – what are you – how did?”

“I called your mom earlier. Told her I wanted to come. See you.”

You nodded, biting the inside of your lip, not knowing how to get past the awkward tension in the air. You had never experienced this with Harry, this foggy unknown feeling. And you hated it.

“Why.”

“Why what?” lines formed on his forehead

“Why – why would you want to see me?

He continued to just stare at you, like you just asked him the meaning of life, with his mouth agape and hands on now resting on top of the counter. “Because I love you. And I’m not letting this be over. I’m not.” He shrugged, “I know you sai-“

“I’m sorry.” You exclaimed, interrupting whatever he was about to say, “I’m sorry for assuming you cared more about work. I’m sorry for blaming you for cancelling things. I’m sorry for leaving. I’m sorry, so sorry.”

Before you knew what was happening, he had raced around the kitchen island and scooped you into his arms before your knees could buckled beneath you. Muffled gasps were coming from between your lips as Harry ran his hands over the back of your head.

“Shhh, hey none of that. It’s alright. You’re okay. I’m here.”

The two of you stayed locked in one another’s arms for what seemed like hours, making up for missing the feel of each other. Missing the way you could feel Harry’s heartbeat on your temple when hugging him. Him missing the feeling of your hands wound around his torso, toying with his back-belt loops. The two of you missing the comforting smell of the other. Slowly, once your crying subsided, Harry backed away slightly so that he could look at you.

“I think we have some stuff to talk about, yeah?” you nodded simultaneously and moved to sit down, facing each other, on the kitchen island stools. He gently picked up both your hands in his own, “Before you say anything, I need you to know I love you. I am so fucking in love with you that it makes my head spin. And when you walked out of that hotel room, I felt like I was drowning.” You moved to apologize again, but he quickly cut you off, “I don’t want to hear another apology out of you. Don’t ever apologize for your feelings. The hurt you’re feeling is yours to feel however you see fit.”

“I just, I don’t want you to think I’m asking you to choose, H. I would never. I know how much your career means to you, it means everything to me too. Watching you succeed and do what you love means the world to me.” You sniffled, trying make sure he understood that you support him in everything he does.

“But I would. I would choose. Because as much as I love the traveling and picking up new projects, and always being busy, I love you more. I love you more than all the sushi I could stomach in Japan. More than the packages Gucci sends me with new clothes. More than there are stars in the sky. So, I’mthe sorry one. I’m so sorry I ever made you doubt that, m‘love.” His eyes started to glaze over, accent getting thicker, as the threat of tears grew closer and closer.

“My career has given me more than I could ever ask for. This life I live gives me opportunities I never in a million years could have wished for. But absolutely none of it means anything if you’re not there to share it with me.” The smile that graced Harry’s face was brighter than anything you’ve ever seen on him. His dimples were prominent on his hair covered jaw, small crow’s feet loitered around the corners of his eyes, and his hands tightened in yours.

“But you should be able to do those things without worrying about me. About making sure I’m alright. You’re so young and so successful Harry! You shouldn’t have to worry about how I’m feeling 24/7. You should be able to do what you want, when you want it.  To be your own person.” You argued, knowing that this argument was slowly fleeting, as your love for the man in front of you was overpowering any doubts you had.

“I know who I am, doll. But I also know that I’m better with you. I’m better when I wake up to see your hair sprawled all over the bed. Better when I see you in that black dress that makes it hard for me to breathe. Better when you’re around. So, if I never get to see the Eiffel Tower again, or drive a new sports car, that’s okay.”  he shrugged, seeing your inner turmoil in your eyes, “Because if the only thing that I have in life is your hand in mine, then I could die a happy man.”

You took your hand out of his hold to brush away the tears that had made their way down your puffy cheeks. Guilt flooded through your veins for ever thinking that Harry loved you any less than how he described. So, you leaned forward to place a kiss to his lips, needing him to know you loved him just the same.

“I quite like the Eiffel tower.” You whispered once your lips disconnected from his, and a small chuckle left his lips,

“I know petal. I just want you to know that I don’t need a fancy destination because you’re my great escape. My sense of normalcy in this crazy life. You’re the one I want to repaint the living room while listening to Sinatra radio and dance around the fireplace with.”

You knew when starting this relationship that things would get difficult, what with being in the public eye and all the moving around. But you also knew that it was all worth it. It was worth it when you got to see Harry after walking off stage, after his morning jog, with his tongue sticking out between his lips while jotting things down in his journal. All the scrutiny was worth it when you got to slow dance in the kitchen or lounge all day with Evie. And no amount of rescheduling or cancellations would change that.

“Did you really just try to flex your Gucci deliveries to me?”

Taglist: @theasstour @emotionally-imbruised @harryspirate @swayingnoodlelove

all questions .For you. I am intrigued to see the answers :D

WOAH, honestly was not expecting this, but I guess I did ask for it so here we go :’) (under the cut cuz this shits looong)

1. Last kiss ~ Like, 5 months ago lol

2. Last phone call ~ Yesterday, my colleague phoned me in the morning to say thE DELIVERY I WAS MEANT TO BE SIGNING IN WAS ALREADY THERE. IT WAS 8AM. WASN’T MEANT TO GET THERE TILL 11 FFS

3. Last text message ~ to my mum, was asking her how yoga went (she does yoga)

4. Last song you listened to ~ Money by Pink Floyd

5. Last time you cried ~ literally last night, i cry DAILEY :’)

HAVE YOU EVER:

6. Dated someone twice ~ kiiindaaaaa????

7. Been cheated on ~ pretty sure my ass of a first bf cheated on me yup

8. Self harmed ~ not conventionally, no

9. Lost someone special ~ Yeah, my aunt, she was one of a kind

10. Been depressed ~ oh yes :’)

11. Been drunk and threw up ~ surprisingly no, i don’t really do throwing up

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:

12. had sex ~ nope lmao

13. How many people have you had sex with this year? ~ ….uhhh, none ^^

15. Made a new friend ~ Yeah actually, the new guy at work is pretty chill, i’d say we’re friends

17. Laughed until you cried ~ probably yeah

18. Met someone who changed you ~ nope

19. Found out who your true friends were ~ kind of yeah

20. Found out someone was talking about you ~ dude, no one talks about me lol

26. What did you do for your last Birthday ~ I went to see my bestest friend in the whole world ^.^

27. What time did you wake up today ~ not in the morning, i can say that for sure :’)

29. Name something you CANNOT wait for ~ I’M GOING TO SEE MCFLY THIS NOVEMBER!!!

30. Last time you saw your all of your siblings at the same time ~ never, i have no siblings lol

31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life ~ jesus christ, so many things, i guess I wish i was a year ahead of where i am now

32. What are you listening to right now ~ the try guys podcast >.

33. When is the last time you had sex? ~ don’t know if you can tell, but I literally haven’t had sex in like a year :’)

34. Who’s getting on your nerves right now ~ do I count? Yes? Okay, myself XD

35. Most visited webpage ~ probably this dumb site 

36. Favorite colour ~ this:

37. Nicknames ~ i’ve collected quite a few tbh, Roo, Chu, Ross, Rossi, Chuckles and Chuck are most of them, used by various people >.

38. Relationship Status ~ single pringle so if anyone wants to love me up go for it XD

39. Zodiac sign ~ sagittarius

40. Male or female ~ fem

41. Primary school ~ no XD seriously tho not gonna write my schools on this hellsite :’)

42. Secondary School ~ noooo

43. High school/college ~ nooooooooooo

44. Eye color ~ like a blueish grey, sometimes rly bright blue

46. Height ~ 5’8 ish i think

47. Do you have a crush on someone ~ nope :’)

48. What do you like about yourself ~ tbh, i think i’m pretty intelligent, it’s like the one thing i can say ‘yeah, i’m good’ at >.

49. Piercings ~ my ear lobes, soon to be nose!!

50. Tattoos ~ GETTING MY FIRST ON WEDNESDAY! Let me know if i should post a pic here >.

51. Righty or lefty ~ leftyyyyy

FIRSTS:

53. First piercing ~ ears 

54. First best friend ~ this kid called Harvey when i was like 4, haven’t seen him in over a decade tho

55. First hookup ~ my ex boyfriend

56. First Bestfriend ~ isn’t…this…like…..the same question as like….two questions ago….?

RIGHT NOW:

59. Eating ~ nothing :’)

60. Drinking ~ decaf tea 

61. I’m about to ~ play sims, duh, isn’t that what we all do here >.

62. Listening to ~ already said, the trypod

63. Waiting for ~ the inevitable caress of death lmao :’)

YOUR FUTURE:

64. Want kids? ~ imma get real for a sec. Yes, i have always wanted kids, but with the way the climate crisis is going and the complete lack of empathy our world leaders are showing towards it, I think it would be incredibly selfish for me to have children ‘just cuz i’ve always wanted kids’ :/

65. Get married? ~ maybe, don’t rly care for marrage either way

66. Career ~ i’ve been asking myself this question for the past 3 years, still don’t know the answer :’)

WHICH IS BETTER:

67. Lips or eyes ~ i’m assuming these are all about other people right? Eyes

68. Hugs or kisses ~ why not both?? :o

69. Shorter or taller ~ taller mmmm XD

70. Older or Younger ~ don’t mind a little bit either way

71. Romantic or spontaneous ~ *sings i want it all by queen* XD

72. Nice stomach or nice arms ~ stomach

73. Sensitive or loud ~ sensitive

74. Hook-up or relationship ~ hook ups are ewie (to me) so relationships every time

HAVE YOU EVER:

76. Kissed a stranger ~ nooooooooooooo, thems some big red flags bro :’)

77. Drank hard liquor ~ yup

78. Lost glasses/contacts ~ surprisingly no, have broken my glasses a fair few times tho

79. Had sex ~ omg, for the 10 billionth time, y e s

80. Broken someone’s heart ~ unfortunately yes…

82. Been arrested ~ nope

83. Turned someone down ~ yup

84. Cried when someone died ~ yeah

85. Fallen for a friend ~ omg yes, and let me tell you, IT’S THE WORST!

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

86. Yourself ~ fuck, thats too deep for meeeeeeee :’)

87. Miracles ~ eh, kind of? I dunno

88. Love at first sight ~ if feel like you can have some feelings about someone when you first see them that could lead to love, but not flat out love y’know

89. Heaven ~ nah

90. Santa Clause ~ i wanna say yes, but, you know…. :’)

91. Kiss on the first date ~ dude i don’t even date, let alone kiss on them XD

92. Angels ~ I call people angel a lot, but like full on angels with wings a shit, no >.

93. How would you label yourself? ~ i honestly don’t really know atm

94. Someone You Pray Everyday For ~ i don’t pray for people, don’t mean that in a heartless way, it just doesn’t do anything at the end of the day

95. Did you sing today ~ i sing, no joke, every day XD

96. Who From All Your Ex’s have You Cared The Most About ~ well, i’ve only had 2, and the first one was an absolute twat so take a guess :’)

97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go? ~ i ask myself this a lot and the answer always changes. Right now probably a few years

98. Out Of Everything In The World What Do You Wish For ~ the saving of the planet

99. Are you afraid of falling in love? ~ i don’t think so

100. Do you like the way you look? ~ sometimes

50 Questions Tag

I was tagged by @prettywordsyouleft . Thanks for saving me from my boredom, love.

1. What takes too much of your time?

Work. I live too far from it so it takes around 2 hours to get there and almost 3 hours to get back home.

2. What makes your day better?

Watching movies, writing, eating chocolate.

3. What’s the best thing that happened to you today?

I kinda dyed half of my hair grey. And I ate Japanese food.

4. What fictional place would you like to go to?

I never got over the fact that Genovia isn’t a real place so I would just go there if I could.

5. Are you good at giving advice?

People tend to come to me for advice so I guess I am?

6. Do you have any mental illness?

Depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety, panic disorder... the whole package

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?

No.

8. What musician inspired you the most?

Jackson Wang. But also Yoongi and Namjoon, from BTS (duh).

They inspire me in different ways, but mostly because of how hard they work, how they don’t give up on the things they want to do, and for Jackson, how he isn’t afraid to show his feelings... They also remind me that men can be good.

9. Have you ever fallen in love?

Yep. I do not recommend it.

10. What’s your dream date?

I guess the dream is to be asked on a date. Just take me someplace where we can have a nice conversation and maybe eat something nice.

11. What do others notice about you?

That I don’t talk much. I am constantly teased for it. Also, people always tell me they were scared to talk to me at first because I look too serious. It’s not my fault that I have a resting bitch face (I actually have been trying to smile more and I just look goofy). I’m also very shy and an introvert so that doesn't help.

12. What is an annoying habit you have?

I eat my depression and anxiety away. So I’m constantly putting junk food inside my body and now it got to the point that is making me sick, so i’m trying to change that.

13. Do you still talk to your first love?

Yes, we are good friends now.

14. How many ex’s do you have?

3

15. How many songs are in your playlist?

Spotify just told me I can't add any more songs to my playlist so... a lot.

16. What instruments can you play?

I knew a bit o piano and drums when I was a kid but that’s it.

17. Who do you have the most pictures of?

My dog, Layla. And Jackson. So yeah, my phone is filled with puppy photos.

18. Where would you like to go before you die?

Honestly, there is no place in the world I don’t want to visit. But Italy and South Korea are currently on the top of my list.

19. What is your zodiac?

I’m a Pisces (with a Virgo Moon, and a rising Capricorn which means I’m a fucking mess).

I also just found out I’m the year of the Snake (’sup Bambam). 

20. Do you relate to it?

Way too much, especially the too sentimental, too stubborn part

21. What is happiness to you?

Being in peace with myself - which doesn’t happen often. Being able to do the things I want to do and making other people happy.

22. Are you going through anything right now?

I’m going through my life, does that count? ‘Cause honestly, I’m surprised I made this far.

My depression is kicking hard lately so I’m just trying my best to get out of it.

23. What’s the worst decision you’ve ever made?

Traveling with my ex-best friend. But it was also good cause it made me realize that I was her friend but she wasn’t mine.

24. What’s your favourite store?

Miniso. Their underwear is really comfortable and great for sleeping. I also love bying notebooks there.

25. What’s your opinion on abortion?

I’m in favor although I’m not sure I would be able to do it. But I don’t think my personal feelings should be applied to other people.

26. Do you keep a bucket list?

Mentally I do.

27. Do you have a favourite album?

More than one. 111 by Tiziano Ferro, Lemonade by Beyonce, Love Yourself: Tear by BTS, Suck It and See and AM by Arctic Monkeys, MADE by BIGBANG, Verse 2 by JJ Project, 7 for 7 and Eyes on You by GOT7, Dawn by The Rose...

The list goes on...

28. What do you want for your birthday?

Be able to travel somewhere new.

29. What are most people’s first impression of you?

Maybe that I’m antisocial? I don’t think anyone ever told me their impressions of me.

30. What age do you seem according to most people?

I’m 30 but people think I’m on my early 20s. Which is funny cause people also thought that when I was on my teen years.

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping?

Under my pillow.

32. what word do you say the most?

Fuck.

33. What’s the oldest age you would date?

I don’t think I have a limit in my mind. I don’t really care about age in that aspect, although I always liked dating younger people.

34. What’s the youngest age you would date?

So, I’m not sure about this one. Like I said, I always liked dating people younger than me. But I’m not sure if I would be able to date someone that is “too young”. I’m 30 and I don’t know if I would feel comfortable dating someone on their early 20s. But at the same time, I feel very attracted to idols around that age so...(’sup Mingi)

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you?

Something related to arts.

36. What’s your favourite music genre?

Pop (so, K-pop), rock, indie music.

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be?

South Korea, I’m quite obsessed with the idea of living there. But also in Italy.

38. What is your current favourite song?

Focus on Me - JUS2 | Seesaw - BTS | Blah - PLT | Say My Name - Ateez

39. How long have you had this blog for?

Since 2011 ( but I had another tumblr before that).

40. What are you excited for?

For all the concerts I’ll be watching this year. Especially BTS, Monsta X, Muse, Arctic Monkeys and Twenty One Pilots (and if I get the tickets, Weezer, Foo Fighters, H.E.R and Pink!)

41. Are you a better talker or listener?

Listener.

42. What is the last productive thing you did?

I took a shower about an hour ago (believe me, when I’m down, even taking a shower is a success) and I wrote around 500 words for my next fanfic.

43. What do you want for Christmas?

To be hugged for a long time by someone that loves me.

44. What class do you get the best grades in?

I was always good with languages and history.

45. On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now?

4

46. What can you see yourself doing in 10 years?  

I not even sure if I’ll last the year. But maybe... living in another country. ( I really hate where I live).

47. When did you first get your heartbreak?

Oh, my heart was constantly broken since I was a child - thanks to my family.

48. At what age do you want to get married?

Haha.

49. What career did you want to have as a child?

I wanted to be a writer and a dancer.

50. What do you crave right now?

Affection. Like, seriously, I’ve been feeling incredibly lonely lately.

I tag @jalapeno-princess , @nicelegsjackson , @ahgase55g7 , @enderkate , @jinyoungmoans , @this-song-thats-only-for-you , @peabodyrose , @peachyyugy , @illbetheresomehow and anyone else who wants to do it :)

Unpopular Opinion:  I enjoyed season 8

So first, I’m mostly doing this to sort out my own feelings, but I DO think there are some things worth considering here.

To be clear, Enjoying something and thinking that something was perfect are different.  I enjoy plenty of things that are garbage and I do think this season had it’s fair share of flaws, but it’s not nearly as awful as some of ya’ll are ripping into it over.  In addition, regardless of if it is bad or not harassment of the creators is never justified.  EVER.  So if you feel the need to take out your frustrations on the cast/crew stop what you are doing then DON’T.

Sorry in advance if you’re on mobile cuz this is a long one under the read more.

Why I was able to enjoy it:

Three major things I always keep in mind going into a new season:

1.  Don’t watch it FOR the ship, enjoy the show for what it is.  I think the primary thing that has allowed me to enjoy each season is I try to watch it without shipping goggles.  At the end of the day, shipping is fun but it is for fandom and not the reason I’m watching the show, especially a show made for 7 year old boys.  

2.  I (along with most of the fandom on this website) am not the target audience for this show.  Voltron may be an abnormally good kids show, but it is still a kids show.  I have never walked into a season thinking that it is content made for me, and the things that are important to me just aren’t important enough to 7 year olds to have the time I want spent on them.  I have to be okay with that because as much as I would love to have a whole episode of Shiro really struggling with what it means to be a leader, and the weight of Adam’s sacrifice, the 7 year old this show was made for is going to be bored shitless and decide “I don’t want that Voltron toy for my birthday after all.”  So yeah, that is going to change the choices the crew makes when they create these episodes.

3.  This is a reboot.  Several different companies have BIG stakes in Voltron.  Things like LGBT rep are only going to go as far as ONE important old white man who thinks (insert your fave here) is straight.  Anybody who has followed me for more than 3 seconds knows I ship Sheith, but knowing how the entertainment industry works changed how I thought the direction of the series was going from day one.  If it was so hard for them to get even ambiguous ‘Takashi, how much do I mean to you’ when both Shiro and Adam are legally original characters, there is NO WAY the powers that be will allow them to gay up big names in the franchise like Keith or Lance.  For that reason I never expected a canon gay relationship between any of the main characters.  No Sheith, no Klance, no Pallura, no Hance.  I do believe it was important to the creators and they did they absolute best with what they had, but ultimately it was not their decision and a lot of ya’ll need to stop acting like you are performing some kind of holy service by harassing them about it.  They did their jobs as best they could and the fandom was pressuring them the whole time to make promises they didn’t know if they could keep.

For these reasons I was able to enjoy the new season for what it was: a reboot aimed toward children that I shouldn’t expect a primary romantic plot out of.  And honestly?  Thats what I got.  The only big romantic plot revolved around Lance and Allura and even that was only a handful of scenes.  I think the main problem with this fandom has always been people putting unrealistic expectations on a show that wasn’t aimed at them.  Why people chose to put all of their expectation eggs in the Voltron basket specifically is beyond me, and frankly a bit unfair to the people who made it.  But we don’t have to get into that right now.

Things that I enjoyed:

1.  Hunk is best boy.  I loved his and Lance's friendship shining through and when he turned into team mom.  Some highlight include:  “It’s happening tonight, young man!” “I’m sorry I yelled at you.  I’ll make you dog treats later.”  When he made that Altean dessert because he is so sweet and knows how to bring people together.  What a star, what a diplomat, what a fine, fine man. 2.  BaBy LoToR 3.  Seeing all the paladins in their under armor.  I would feel robbed because Shiro was left out but the entire series has been Shiro fan service so I’m not even mad. 4.  VERONICA AND AXCA BONDING?  NICE.  Didn’t expect to ship them?  I do.  Nice. 5.  Everything about Day Fourty-Seven.  A filler episode I genuinely enjoyed.  MY only wish is we could have gotten Keith and Krolia in an interview together and she went out of her way to embarrass him like “while we were in the Quantum Abyss-” “Mom, why are you doing this to me?” “I have 20 years of Mothering to catch up on, young man.” 6.  Shiro feeling like a bad ass and looking cool during the arm wrestling competition.  What a good. 7.  This was really Allura’s season, wow, what a queen. 8.  Keith giving Lance a bunch of pep talks and opening up to become not only a good leader but a good friend. 9.  Keith YELLING at the Zarkon mech because he had leadership responsibility feels. 10.  I did not expect to have FEELINGS over seeing young Zarkon. 11.  Honerva’s motivations were honestly....so honest.  So realistically human, you know?  It seems so fitting that this whole thing began with a rift into another reality, and a broken family.  And it ended with a rift into another reality, and that family finally being able to be at peace.  That is the theme that has been following us form the beginning: family.  And even the final villain just wanted to fix the damage that had been done to hers.  Though I do feel like her turnaround was a little quick, I can forgive it for kinds show reasons. 12.  Allura getting to hug Alfor again. 13.  Lance getting the stamp of approval from the dad. 14.  Speaking of which, even I thought the Allurance scenes were pretty cute despite not being a huge fan of the ship. 15.  The character development that is evident.  If you compare all these characters to who they were in E1S1 they are all vastly different.  The only exception to this is Coran, though I do feel like Allura’s is mostly internal and she has a way of conducting herself that can make it difficult to perceive. 16.  I am VERY SAD about Allura dying...but you know what?  I think this ending actually suited her.  I don’t think she would be satisfied withotu making a grand reality wide sacrifice.  She restored Altea, and returned into the fabric of space-time itself with her family.  This has been being foreshadowed since Season 1 to be honest.  She is always taking risks and wanting to keep moving and bettering things.  She is perfect and we don’t deserve her and in my heart she is the goddess of reality itself. 17.  The scene where the lions all came to life and flew away, and then that lovely art of them going into the rift.  I really think they went back to Allura, and the next time the Universe needs Voltron, it will be her spirit leading the way.  And honestly?  I don’t think she would want it any other way. 18.  The MFE Pilots grew on me... 19.  MMMMMBIG ROBOT PRETTY 20.  We got Shiro and the rest of the paladins piloting all together again. 21.  ALMOST Galra Emperor Keith.

The things I didn’t think were great:

1.  What the fuck happened to Ezor’s voice?  She only said one word and I thought she was dying? 2.  Keith and Shiro like...didn’t even talk.  And even without shipping goggles that just seems wrong to me.  Their bond has been one of the points the story has turned on.  We got all the build up but none of the payoff.  No shoulder touches, no ‘I’m proud of you, Keith’, none of the usual friendship or dynamic they usually have with each other.  It felt kind of empty honestly :(  And whats more is...Keith has been sacrificing and fighting and loving Shiro for 7 seasons now, and Shiro never got to repay him.  Like he wasn’t in his hospital room when he woke up and nobody can fucking tell me when Shiro said “spend time with the people you love” Keith wouldn’t be spending time with Shiro.  It just....feels so dissatisfying to see one of the major emotional bonds in the show not even be acknowledged in the end.  It makes everything Keith worked for feel...not...there.  Like what did all that mean in the end?  As many times as it takes but he gives and gives and gives and the only one who returns what he gives is Krolia.  It used to be Shiro returned it too, but now...  Even without it being romantic, their relationship was done a dirty.  I didn’t need canon Sheith I just needed some kind of acknowledgement that all the suffering they endured was worth it.  I wanted to see them happy. 3.  Despite what I said above I am sad Allura is gone. 4.  Shiro was hardly in the season at all actually :((((((((((((((((((( 5.  Yeah, as cute as the scenes were I’ve never felt Allura and Lance have a chemistry that makes their relationship sit well with me.  But I guess it was necessary to show how Lance has matured as a person.  I always thought they have the POTENTIAL for chemistry but it’s always fallen short for me.  Allura just takes her life too seriously and her walls never actually came down enough for me to see a connection there. 6.  James and Keith never like...talked?  I would have liked for them to have had a reconciliation like Keith and Lance did. 7.  Lack of Krolia. 8.  Something was off about Kolivan’s voice 9.  TBH, I feel like The real fulfillment for Keith’s arc would have been his teammates encouraging and lifting him up as well.  Display his emotional availability which was completely closed off at the start.  I feel like they may have just dropped the ball on a couple of character’s arc resolution but...eh.  You gotta pick and choose what to focus on when you have an ensemble cast, and 7 year olds just aren’t always interested in that. 10.  Woulda been nice to get a bit more detail on the nature of the rift creatures and some more clarity for a through line from the beginning thousands of Years ago to now.  Along with that exactly what kind of entity IS Voltron itself?  A lot of seeds planted that made a half attempt at being resolved but weren’t quite clear enough to create something cohesive. 11.  I can’t put my finger on why but overall it just feels...Incomplete.  Like there is still a pit in my stomach that doesn’t feel satisfied by the ending.  I’m not sure how much of that is the season itself, and how much is I’ve been involved in this show for nearly 2 years and it’s hard to let go, especially on something that doesn’t quite feel like going out with a bang.

Highly unpopular opinion in my neck of the woods:

That wedding at the end?  I’m happy about it.  Do I think its bad writing to marry off one of your main five to a rando we don’t even know the name of?  Yes.  Am I annoyed that the fandom was SO awful and so accusatory toward the showrunners they felt the need to shoehorn in a last minute wedding because they honestly felt bad when the truth is this has always been a glorified ship war?  MEGA YES.  They shouldn’t have felt like they had to make this bad writing decision on the behalf of fans who have treated them and their efforts like shit.  Shame on the people who treated them this way.  They tried so FUCKING hard to give us something and ya’ll threw it away and called them evil.  I get how you feel but damn why don’t YOU try to make social change happen in the entertainment industry and see how well your LGBT paradise vision goes over when there are dozens of other people with a say.  (I could go on about how poorly that was handled on both ends, but that is another point altogether.)

More than anything, I’m happy that some 7 year old kid who LOVES the badass Captain Takashi Shirogane is going to see him get married on screen and kiss a MAN.  Like holy shit, that is HUGE.  Do I think it could have been written better?  Absolutely.  But This show wasn’t made for me it was made for the 7 year kid out there is going to think “Shiro kissed a boy, maybe I’m not weird for wanting to kiss boys” and THAT is what Representation in children’s media is all about.  I’m going to celebrate this and everything else related to Shiro’s LGBT status because what matters to me way more than ships or satisfying romantic arcs is maybe when my little nephew sees his favorite character is gay he will be a little more open and comfortable when I bring my girlfriend to family dinner.

I think it would do the fandom (especially the Sheith shippers) some good to step back, take off their shipping goggles, and recognize this for the stride in Children’s media that it is. That being said I’m gonna be reading and writing the fix-it fics along with the rest of you, because fandom and how I enjoy the show can be whatever I want.

The conclusion and why I still love Voltron:

You know what?  Yes I felt a little let down by the writing, but Voltron is one of the first fandoms I’ve been so involved in and I have had such wonderful experiences while enjoying this show.  I’m never going to let some dissatisfaction ruin this for me.  The nice thing about fandom, is I can enjoy my version of the show however I want it, and it doesn’t have to effect how I feel about canon at all.  And when I take off my fandom goggles, this season was actually pretty enjoyable.

I encourage anybody who has enjoyed the show up to this point to put your bitterness aside and do what you’ve been doing from the start.  Create some content, consume some content, ship what you want, and don’t you dare let anybody ruin this for you.  You have good memories with this show, keep them good and move froward.

Peace out my dudes, I’m gonna be hanging out in Sheith hell for at least another 6 months.

It was an honor flying with you all.

ANNUAL WRITING SELF-EVALUATION 2018

I wasn’t officially tagged by anyone but I decided to do it anyways because I’m starting the year right with #selflove2019.

ALL FICS MUST HAVE POSTED ON AO3 IN 2018

1. Number of stories (including drabbles) posted to AO3: 7 (but 4 belong to the same AU so 4 separate stories I guess?)

2. Word count posted for the year: 144,725

3. List of works published this year (in order of posting):

I Won't Give Up So Come And Get Me

I’ve Been Hoping You’d Be Somewhere Better Than This (Ad Au)

You Sent This Hurricane Now It Won’t Go Away (Ad Au)

I Put My Dreams Into You They’ll Grow (Ad Au)

Baby I Need You In A Serious Way (Ad Au)

And Touch Me Like You Never

Better Not Pout, I’m Telling You Why

4. Fandoms I wrote for: One Direction

5. Pairings:  Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson,

6. Story with the most:

Kudos: I Won’t Give Up So Come And Get Me (581)

Bookmarks: I’ve Been Hoping You’d Be Somewhere Better Than This (291)

Comments: Better Not Pout, I’m Telling You Why (45 threads)

9. Work I’m most proud of (and why):

Definitely I Won’t Give Up So Come And Get Me. It’s my first ever fic, and my first attempt at writing anything really (I studied maths in uni and I’ve worked as a manager in hospitality for years, writing is not my thing) so I can’t tell you how scared I was posting it, I was pushing myself way out of my comfort zone by trying something new to me. I must have refreshed the stats/hits screen a billion times but then I got my first kudos and my first comment and I was like, ‘if that's all I get, then I can sleep tonight,’ because at least one person thought it was alright. 

10. Work I’m least proud of (and why):

My Santa fic. I was rushing to meet the holiday fic fest deadline and I reckon if I had had another week with it, it could have been better, more polished and the writing slicker, I was just so focused on getting the plot down, some of it is a bit scrappy. 

11. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

Ohhhh I really don't know. I guess I like the banter from the Ad Au fics, and the lead up to H & L having sex for the first time is probably my favourite, because I don’t think you see scenes like that a lot in smutty fics and I thought it was funny (maybe just me?). 

And don’t ask me why, but I really like the line from And Touch Me Like You Never, ‘Harry wants to tell him that there isn’t for him, that there is only one fish and that’s Louis and that he would swim a fucking ocean for him if Louis asked him to. I think to me it just represents their whole relationship in the fic. 

12. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

Any comments make me happy, but the readers that give you their reasons for liking a fic are the best. My absolute favourite reader/commenter is QuelquesEtoiles (not sure on their Tumblr? I’m shit at knowing who people are if their names aren't the same on both) because their comments are hilarious and I actually go and re-read them when I’m feeling shit because they make me smile that much, especially the play-by-play on ATMLYN. 

13. A time when writing was really, really hard:

I’ve mentioned this before, but I started a fic based on a lumberjack prompt and then the really good lumberjack one came out and it had very similar themes to what I was attempting to write so I just gave up, that was shitty for me but I'm over it now. Also struggled with the Santa fic because my default setting is to make Louis a sassy little shit that’s only nice to Harry so that was difficult for me haha. 

14. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

Niall in ATMLYN. It wasn't a conscious decision at first to make him Harry’s sounding board, but I think it ended up pacing the story well and would have been too messy to include the other boys. 

15. How did you grow as a writer this year:

I didn't grow. I was a brand new baby, and I’m going into 2019 as a toddler; I can say a few things and run around like I think I know what I’m doing but I’m still bound to run into stuff and cry a few times while I’m at it.

16. How do you hope to grow next year:

I have an idea for a pretty big ABO high school fic which will be kinda slow burn and I might post as a WIP on ao3. Slow burn will be a challenge for me because I want H & L to get together from like the second paragraph most of the time and a WIP will be too, as it will take a lot more planning out and developing the story as people are reading and giving feedback which I think will be an interesting process for me.

17. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

I don't really know that many people in the fandom but everyone that has contacted me has been super lovely. Ana (@finck-you-freeky) has been absolutely amazing. We have similar tastes in fics that we read/like and I get her to read all my fics before I post them now because her opinion and notes are invaluable to me. She is also is very supportive when I’m having a bad day and hate every word I have written. I love speaking to people about fics though that aren't my own so it’s good to chat to her about other ones we have read or writers we enjoy.

Also, random shout out, but @blouisparadise have been super nice to me since I started writing, they often include me in their monthly recs and their post for IWGUSCAGM was actually how I found Tumblr in the first place because I found it through google (I’m not a huge social media user), so just want to say thank you to them for the support!

18. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

Uh, the inspiration for IWGUSCAGM is very, very loosely based on my flatmate in uni, but her story isn't as charming so I won’t divulge. 

19. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

Writing for a fandom is a weird thing. You think to yourself about your own works ‘this is so shit, no-one will read this, why am I bothering?’ but at the exact same time you’re like ‘why is no-one reading this? this is brilliant and better than anything anyone else has ever written,’ and I guess I need to try and remember that thats normal for everyone. If you’re writing because you enjoy it, then that will come through in your work and eventually praise will come, even if its not from a lot of people. I’d rather have just one person absolutely love my fic than a hundred people thinks it’s just OK, and I need to remember that when I see fic lists and reblogs that don’t include my name. Having said that, if you had asked me this a week ago I would have said no, I have no wisdom to share, but after several lovely people have included me in their ‘best fics of 2018′ I would say that not worrying about not being ‘shouted about’ is something I’m going to start doing more of (hopefully). I seriously thought no-one knew who I was or cared about anything I wrote because I don't get a lot of acknowledgement on Tumblr, particularly from the big blogs and fic reccers. It made me sad and I just didn’t know what to do about it, but as it turns out, some people were reading my stuff and enjoying it, and you don’t necessarily have to have a hundred reblogs and notifications of your posts for that to happen. 

20. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

Along with the ABO one, I’ve got a couple of short fic fest ones that are ready to post (thats not til february), I’m writing a sort of birthday one which I’ll post on H’s actual birthday. Also have an idea for a boxer harry one which is basically just pwp. Have two musical fic fest ones I’m excited about and that are a bit different.  Also might try a different pairing, maybe a Ziam or a past Zarry? So yeah, lots to work on. Will see what happens. 

21. Tag some writers whose answers you’d like to read.

I feel like most people have done this now, but if you haven’t do it!

In 2014 and 2015 I did a my year in review kind of thing where I, of course, reviewed it and accompanied it with a picture from that month. I somehow forgot to post 2016 (until now) and forgot to do it at all for 2017 but unfortunately, I am back with a really disappointing year. I was debating not putting myself through the legit pain of “reviewing” this year but I think of how I love going through my 2009-2010 posts and seeing how much I’ve grown so this is for you, successful and cooler future me.

2016 and 2017 were amazing but 2018 was my most promising year. My boyfriend and I were going to move in, I was going to start my dream job; everything was perfect. It definitely started out as one of the best years of my life! Then exactly halfway through the year everything changed and I was left having to pick up the pieces and completely restart, making it one of the worst years of my life.

I started January in Mexico, which was the best, but my family and I got home early in the month. I had quit my job the month before so I dedicated the entirety of this month to job hunting. Our friend (my bf’s bff who became mine and my brother’s bff early on)’s dad got a boat so it was like we got a boat too because despite the cold, we lived on it. (My boyfriend couldn’t go on the trip with us, which he was super bummed about (and that we had to spend like 10 days apart which was killer then), so he was the one to pick us up at the airport and he greeted me with a bouquet of flowers. Out of the many gifts/gestures he gave me, that was one of my favorites.)

February I started my amazing new job so life was back to 40 hour work weeks and not having much time for much else. I was always attached to the hip to my bf so almost every day after work entailed going out with him or having dinner with my family or his. That was my month. My favorite part of every February is Valentine’s Day and this one was as amazing as the rest. I don’t even have enough space (of the allotted space I give myself for each entry at least!) to describe that day. (My bf at our Valentine’s Day dinner. We finished our long day at this restaurant (so, so cool, once popular with Old Hollywood stars) on Hollywood Blvd and it was dreamy and romantic and amazing.) Oh man, I don’t have a lot of interesting things to say about March. Oh, my parents got Influenza (A/B/idk tbh), so it was two weeks of my brother, bf, and I taking care of them. My dad has a serious chronic disease so it was especially dangerous for him so it was a stressful time. Once we weren’t in hazmat suits anymore (no but really, we were gloved and double masked around them and kept them quarantined), I’d be at work or with my bf. I also started to get close with a co-worker, who I quickly became close friends with! (My bf’s two huskies. I’ve just loved that picture since I took it! I’ve never been loved by a dog more than the one in the back of this pic. Not even by my own! He has a special place in my heart.)

April was barbecues at my house or my bf’s, trying every brewery and bar around, hikes, bike rides, beach visits, baseball games, boat rides, late night cooking and baking. It was lots and lots of love and happiness and I would give absolutely anything to go back to those days. (My brother and bf grilling on Easter. This was a familiar scene, I have so many pictures of this exact scenario, yet looking at it just now made me so emotional! Stop! They’re just grilling!) May was so exciting! Very first day I got a new car! I was so happy! It was long overdue because my finicky, expensive Volkswagen had to go and I’d fallen in love with the new Honda Civic (I’ll admit I have basic taste but I don’t care!) so I finally bit the bullet and did it. This month my bf and I, after a long time of “oh wouldn’t it be nice!”, bit the bullet as well and decided to finally get serious about finding a place together. So the apartment search started, but we soon realized our home, Orange County, was super expensive. My bf, in that “ha ha jk but I’m down if you are” way, suggested we pick up and move to Oregon and I immediately agreed. It just felt right and despite us being the most careful and non-spontaneous people ever, we decided to do it! So we began to research, look for apartments but most importantly, jobs. (My car the day I took it home!)

Uhhhhhh, well, June hurts to think about! We went to visit Portland, where we decided we’d want to live because that’s where the jobs were, on a quick trip since it was strictly “business.” Portland was everything I imagined and more. We loved it and I think we loved playing house in our airbnb more than anything about the city. Back in LAX we came to the easy conclusion that though we lived Portland, that’d require a lot and for our first time moving out we’d like to stay close to home and above anything else, we just wanted to live together as soon as possible. We immediately started to look for places in LA, we spent the month apartment hunting, and towards the end of it, decided on one we really liked, one he begged me to please say yes to so we can move in already. I was so, so, so happy this month but what made me happier was seeing my bf, I swear, even happier than me. I seriously felt unstoppable and was beyond excited for our future. (I had a lot of Portland pictures to choose from but my bf and I liked this one because it reminded us of Always Sunny for some reason.)

In July, everything changed. To start, I left my job. I thought, new chapter in my life, new job coming, I’ll live really far, I should leave now. So I did. My last day was an emotional day because I loved my job so much and every single person I worked with. That very same day, my bf and I broke up. For unrelated reasons to my last day, to our moving in, to our relationship, etc. We had an amazing, amazing relationship but he has a lot of demons and issues/insecurities he has to deal with and conquer, and though I was aware and was there for him and would continue to be by his side no matter what, he decided that this was a battle he had to handle by himself and I figure before he got into a more committed situation. It didn’t have to happen, though. I hadn’t talked about the specifics of the breakup on my blog so  sorry for changing the mood of the post, but yeah, July happened and it felt like my world stopped. Really regret quitting my job now, huh? I was hit by two huge losses and changes right at the same time.  (I took this on my friend’s boat 20 tequila shots in, drunk and sad as fuck. Not to get fake deep but how sad. Literally on a boat, beautiful sunset, would rather die.)

August was a blur and I’m still not convinced I didn’t just dream it. God, alright, here we go, the rest of the year is a mess so get ready. I fell into a deep depression fast. It also didn’t help that my dad had to start getting radiation/infusions for his illness shortly after the breakup. I couldn’t believe how much my life had changed. I started dating someone else and then I dated another guy shortly after. I wanted to replace and/or forget and I really thought that’d be the solution. I was miserable when I was with them. I took absolutely any opportunity to get really drunk or high, and the opportunity came often so I spent most of my days desperately trying to not feel anything. The only time I’d feel okay was when I was extremely high and I couldn’t even think. Since I had a lot of savings for my out of state move, I had a lot of money to blow, which I did. I realized I even liked the feeling of the temporary “high” of spending a lot and receiving the stuff. I’d hang out with any friend who offered (out of boredom? loneliness?) and even ended up on a mess of a Vegas trip. Worst month ever. Maybe. (Here’s a positive! I like that bathing suit and my tiddie looks so round!)

When September came I realized two months had passed and all I had done was be a huge depressed mess. I no joke forgot about work. I just straight up forgot. I started to look for a new job, which hurt me so bad because I had to face the fact that it wouldn’t be my Cool LA Dream Job anymore. I stopped dating. Most importantly, I completely stopped drinking and smoking because it’d almost always make me sadder but also it scared me that I had no self control nor did I care. I saw a whole lot of my close friends and they, along with my immediate family, kept me afloat this month because time felt like it was going so fast. I couldn’t believe that at a blink of an eye it was night again and then a new day. Time had no mercy for me, please let me hold on. (Me at a baseball game. Tbh I’m looking at this thinking, did this really happen?)

October started out nice because my best friend of years, who I unfortunately had a falling out with three years ago, reached out to me. I’ll always give her all of the credit for doing that. I can’t begin to explain what this meant to me. It was a nice, bright shine of light that managed to shine through the dark clouds. Having my best friend is exactly what I needed. I’m a big believer in the universe acting in mysterious ways and though I had grown disappointed in its little surprise for me lately, this was the kind I always appreciate. I spent a good part of that month with her, catching up and doing things just like we did back then. It was like nothing had changed. That’s all I remember about this month, and a super fun Halloween! That day was probably one of the best days in months. (My best friend Rylee and me the first time seeing each other in 3 years. We’ve had our blogs for 8-9 years so please follow her for quality content)

November was rough. I was frustrated because surely things should had been better by then. I was still feeling so low, I was going to job interviews to no avail, I “relapsed” and had a high/drunk off my ass on a boat messy moment.. To make matters worse, I accidentally drove up on a cement divider in a parking lot and my airbags deploy, which is so expensive to fix, so my car was out of commission for a month. Then I got so sick and I rarely ever get a small cold. I seriously felt like I was cursed, even the smallest thing felt like an insult towards me. The one good thing is that since July I had been forcing myself to go to the gym five times a week. My mom said exercising was the only thing that’d help her feel that sweet release of seretonin, endorphins, dopamine, and all that good stuff when she was depressed so, though I enjoyed going to the gym before, I did it just for that reason alone. It worked and as another result I got like pretty fucking fit. Revenge body, you’re one of the few good things in my life right now. (I literally had no idea what to choose so I said fine, here’s a pic of the scene of the crime. Whatever.)

In December I turned 26. Which I hate, naturally. I went to a million more job interviews. I’m seriously so embarrassed to admit that but whatever, it’s the truth. (I have a degree, experience, and an awesome cover letter..I’ll keep blaming the curse!) What kept me sane was that we had different family members visiting from the very beginning of the month. Playing with an energetic, adorable baby kept me distracted and happy. Having so much company around also distracted me (slightly, but it helped!) from the fact that the holidays and my birthday would be quite different now. I’m one of those annoying Christmas lovers, usually at least. This year everything just happened and I didn’t care. But I survived December! (I don’t care. This is the appropriate representation of 2018 and how I feel at the end of it.)

Jesus if you’ve read all of this.. I’m sorry you had to read about the mess of my year but really more like the mess that is ME. Yknow those like “people my age I went to HS with vs me” memes? I seriously went from being that bitch with a good paying job, brand new car, a serious, great relationship with a promising future together (Like. We would color coordinate outfits! LMAO. We would have dinners with both of our families together. We were obsessed with each other. You’d roll your eyes if you saw any of this. I can’t get over how perfect we were, it’s hilarious what happened to us.) and then at the blink of an eye I went to not having absolutely any of that, casually dating (something I’d NEVER done) anyone who resembled my ex and sadly and drunkenly puking off the side of a pier. Who is she? I don’t know, I got whiplash. (Queen of parentheses and side notes, I know. But another thing about me is... I’ve never been affected by people leaving my life. I’m used to it. I’ve never been anywhere as affected as I was when my ex and I broke up. This isn’t normal for me, my ENTJ/Capricorn ass doesn’t know what this feeling is.)

Please curse that has been put on me, release me. Whoever is attacking my voodoo doll, calm down! Please! I’ve gone through enough sadness and loss. If 2019 is even slightly as bad, I’m going to be like that pigeon I reblogged the other day that’s like “fuck this I’m just going to sit here.” I can’t even make a cute but corny, hopeful “hope 2019 is great!” comment. I’m literally begging you...pleading you... I don’t believe in karma but after all of this shit, I better have something much better in stock for me. “Good things are coming!” I fucking hope so. Like, I’ll be even more annoying right now and say that it’s not fair that I didn’t get to have the future I was about to have. I don’t care about any cliche you may have for me. One door closes, everything happens for a reason, God has a plan, etc. No. Why did all of this have to happen? What can be better than the future I was going to have? I felt so unlucky. It all feels like a nightmare and I’m just waiting to feel whole again. Oh shit I got really intense. I know I’ll get over it and life will be good again eventually but for now, I am still so mad. I would have never in a million years guessed this is how my 2018 would go. 

So fine, I’ve accepted things now, so now I’m impatient and say please prove me wrong, 2019. I’m THREATENING you to be amazing!

Sup

Alright, since my day has been pretty awful I'm gonna share the only thing that's kept me smiling all day. Tomorrow is a huge day for me, why? Because its this blogs first birthday. I think I'll start this post with some special thanks to some of the people I've met on here.

So first off, I want to thank @theskylarksings Sky was there for me in the beginning (well actually past like... 9 months but whatever) she's been with me through some pretty rough shit, and she probably knows more about me then anyone else on this list. Thanks to her I've excepted myself more (though only slightly, more progress to come) she's my go too when I've got problems or something on my mind, like seriously I can tell her anything. I will be eternally grateful for this amazing friendship.

Next I want to thank @a-dreadful-personal-blog when I felt alone, when everyone I knew had disappeared, Cori shoved his way into my life. I don't even remember when he became so important to me, but I do know that knowing him has been one if the best things I've ever experienced. He's always there to listen, and with him (just like with everyone else on this list) I don't have to worry about not being myself because he's just so excepting. He doesn't think I'm crazy (well maybe slightly)

Alrighty, next I think I wanna thank @keepingcalmisoverratedgoddamnit Georgia reminds me every day that even the little things are huge. When I talk to her I always smile because she makes me remember that the little victories are huge ones as well. That reminder is sometimes what gets me through the day

@hisshissimnagini Mya was one of the first people I've opened up to on here, she talked with me on those nights where I was missing my dad so much I was in tears, I discovered bits of myself with her. I don't think I've ever met someone with so much patience. I've got lots to learn from her still (I have plenty to learn from everyone here I guess)

@draco-rex I'm not gonna lie, when I first met Draco I was terrified. I was scared I'd do r say something wrong and he'd never talk to me again, but in the past month we've... Bonded very quietly. It kinda started when I was crying and needed someone to talk to. He was there, and he always has been when I just need someone to listen. He laughs at my stupid jokes and reminds me to breath when I have a bad day

Last (but definitely not least) I would want to thank @supernatural-official Dani... God without her I'd probably be someone completely different. She's always smiling, and has this way about her that makes it impossible for me not to be happy. She's done a lot for me, and I don't think I could ever repay that dept.

OKAY NOW THAT THATS OVER (geez Logan that was a lot of typing) I WANNA GET INTO THE HISTORY OF MY BLOG

so for anyone who's been here since the very beginning, you'll probably know that at one point this blog was named something else. Yeah, that was back in the first few months, I regret that name more than anything (I mean, nothing is as spectacular as dem-gabriel-tho) it was, if I remember correctly, ishouldgotobedsoon. God awful, right? Yeah that's why I changed it. In the past year I've gotten 629 followers, which is HUGE!! When I first made this account I thought I'd have 20, at best. But look where I am now, and I don't mean to brag or anything, no no no that's not my style. I'm only pointing thus out because every day I look at my follower count and I remember, that's 629 people that would miss me if I left. Sometimes when my worlds falling apart I remember, I've got all you idiots who thought it was a good idea to follow this trash blog, and damn it I love you all

So finally, my final note. I'm gonna talk about why I made this blog. To anyone who knows me, they know this past month has been hell. The 5th was the Tyree year anniversary of my dads death, which means right now isn't really the best of times for me. It was the exact same way a year ago, and I was also suspended from school at the time (its a long story). With everything going on in my life, I needed a place to he myself and to have distractions from this hell. Tumblr is my own little coping mechanism, I relay on it for the ability to get through each day. I've needed that for the past year, so I really fucking love this hell hole. It may be trash, but its definitely the best thing that ever happened to me. Anyway, sorry for the long post, I love you all and I want to thank each and every follower for following me. I couldn't do it without y'all, peace out

for the ask meme: all of them, but if thats too much maybe just the last 10?

Sorry for the long post aaaa1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now? [I bought lottery tickets bc I was in texas and they’re not legal where I live and the cashier at the gas station didn’t even ask for my id. I tried to show him and he just shook his head and let me go???? He didnt even care wtf]2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone? [Nah]3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care? [Yea a little bit. I mean if it was just occasionally that’s probably fine? But a lot of my family has fucked up their entire lives with drugs so anything like that is iffy for me. It depends on how often they smoke ultimately]4: Do you find it easy to trust others? [I’d say yeah, probably. As long as you don’t fuck me over or guilt me within the first few weeks of knowing me id probably feel comfortable messaging you if I needed someone to talk to]5: What were you doing at 11PM last night? [Scrolling Tumblr]6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you? [Probably my irl bffs lindy and raven!]7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on? [Dump them. Adios fucker. I hope they’re happy with whoever they cheated on me with]8: Are you close with your dad? [Yeah I’d say so? I love him and he usually let’s me do my thing]9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right? [Nah]10: What are you listening to? [Run by hozier]11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it? [Sweet tea!!!! I’m from the south baby]12: Do you like hickeys? [Never has one so I don’t know!]13: What time do you go to bed? [Uhhhhhh 5am?]14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down? [My siblings.]15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both? [Nope I fuck up spelling a lot and have to go back and fix it no matter how many hands I’m typing with]16: Do you always answer your texts? [I try!! Unless I’m emotionally tired or forget]17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for? [No. She’s my best friend now, actually]18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends? [LIKE 3 MINUTES AGO I was complaining about how long it car ride home is]19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them? [My irlbest friends, the cars discord chat I’m in, and a lot of my wk friends]20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? [I was writing ducktales fanfiction in my head]21: Is anyone else in the room with you? [I’m in a car with my mom for the next uhhh 7 hours?]22: Do you believe what goes around comes around? [Karmas a bitch]23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now? [I was visiting family in Indiana, so yea probably? Tho I am pretty happy now too]24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with? [Sometimes, with my old pal cat. She did some bad things so I stopped talking to her, but sometimes I want to catch up and see how she’s doing.]25: In the past week, have you cried? [YEAH over a darkwing duck episode]26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing? [Grey. It has Mickey mouse on it!]27: Do people ever call you by your last name? [Noooope]28: Is anyone ignoring you right now? [I wouldn’t know]29: Do you have a best friend? [YEAH everyone in the cars discord and raven and lindy]30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed? [No it was my great grandma lol]31: Who was your last call/text message from? [Call: red cross asking for my blood. Text: raven saying “dang”]32: Are you mad at anyone? [Not really? I don’t get angry very easily at all]33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you? [When I was a freshman I was dating a junior]34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday? [My great grandma! 88 I think]35: How many more days until your birthday? [LIKE a whole entire year. August 2nd]36: Do you have any summer plans yet? [Help my friend after her spine surgery p much. Visit family around the 4th of july]37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex? [I have tons of girl friends!! All my best friends are girls (except em but they’re a good friend still!!!)]38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now? [Lindy doesn’t know I’m trans]39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone? [Uhhhhhhhhhhh next question]40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone? [I try not to regret things like that]41: Do you think age matters in relationships? [UH YEAH?? An adult dating a minor ain’t my deallll]42: Are you available? [Lmfao yeah but don’t hold your breath I’m awful at relationships]43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended? [My ex and bff dksdkdiajsai kill Me. I’ve had small crushes but I don’t rly let them grow too much if I realize they’re poppin up]44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get? [Septum]45: Do you believe exes can be friends? [Yeah!!!!! I just reconnected with my ex from freshmen year and he’s cool]46: Do you regret anything? [Times where my mouth moved before my head could think and I hurt someone I cared about. Times where I didn’t listen. Times where I hesitated. But the past is a different country, and I try not to waste the present lamenting what I could’ve done.]47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now? [Home. And the mistakes I’ve made.]48: Did you ever lose a best friend? [Yeah. She moved away and we just… talked less, and less, and less.]49: Was your last kiss a mistake? [Nah it was my great grandma]50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like? [They have a bf and also dont like me plus im unlovable and bad at relationships and feelings *shrug emoji* the other person I’m interested in lives too far away and also doesn’t like me like that]51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry? [Twas my gg and probably when I was a baby]52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed? [All these last kiss ones are so angsty and sad and it was literally my grandma 5 hours ago I’m laughing]53: What was the last thing you ate? [McDonald’s French fries!!!!!]54: Did you get any compliments today? [Nah I’m in my road trip attire so I look like a mess]55: Where are you going on your next vacation? [New Orleans in October for voodoo fest!! Gonna see the foo fighters B)]56: Do you own anything from other countries?[I think I have Canadian money somewhere…]57: Are most of your friend guys or girls?[girls!!]58: Where have you lived most of your life?[Sweet Home Alabama]59: When was the last time you took a long drive?[DOING IT RN!!!!! 13 HOURS]60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?[yea but it was like, mashed up with truth or dare. Instead of kissing we asked them truth or dare]61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house?[nah I’m pretty mild]62: Who do you text the most?[raven probably? Or max]63: What was the last movie you saw?[spirited away I think??? First time I ever saw it]64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex?[I’m single, don’t remind me :P]65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011?[I was 12 and right smack dab in the middle of my ugly awkward phase (thays still going on today!) So I had none lmao]66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you?[nah]67: Do you curse around your parents?[GOOD LORD NO]68: Are you happy with where you live?[I? Hate Alabama. My city is okay but I want to move somewhere nicer]69: Picture of yourself? [I have a selfie tag. I would upload but I’m lazy. Maybe if I find a pic I like later I will]70: Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships?[polyamory All the wayy!!!!! But monogamy is cool too]71: Have you ever been dumped?[probably in elementary school but I don’t remember? I usually am the one to end it bc I get freaked out and skittish around people genuinely caring about me so I break it up before they’re disappointed]72: What do you most like about making out?[being comfortable and close enough with someone to do it.]73: Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with?[yup!]74: When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other?[depends? I’ve asked to kiss someone and I’ve been asked equal amounts.]75: What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive?[eyes? Idk there’s a lot that goes into finding someone attractive it’s hard to narrow it down]76: Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?[my mom]77: Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour?[virgin]78: Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name?[virgin]79: What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?[Any cartoon character I’m currently hyperfixated on]80: Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?[yes. But i would go slow and I wouldn’t want to meet their child until we were both sure this was something we wanted long term.]81: Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?[no its usually me? Wait i take that back!! One girl did while I was in hs but I’m pretty sure she only did it bc she just figured out her sexuality and I was queer and there.]82: Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?[nope I bottle that shit up!!!! But if it’s a long standing crush I’ll tell a few people eventually]83: Do you miss your last sweetie?[No.]84: Last time you slow danced with someone?[my friend Franklin at prom. We pretended to be spies on a mission forced to act casual as we scoped out potential enemies]85: Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?[??? Don’t like the skeptical quote marks. I’ve been in long distance relationships before, yes.]86: How can I win your heart?[just like…… be nice to me, ever, and I’m into it. Talk about things you like, ask me about things I like, try and get into/understand my interests and I’ll do the same?? Don’t make fun of me and don’t belittle my interests. The bar is low]87: What is your astrological sign?[leo]88: What were you doing last night at 12 AM?[sleeping]89: Do you cook?[pasta!!!!!!!]90: Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?[yeah!!! 3 years of no talking and I reconnected with max recently]91: If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?[uh it’s complicated. Yes but idk if I’m in a good place for a relationship. I haven’t even begun to transition at all.]92: Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?[you say that like I could get multiple people to date me]93: What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?[nice dress style?? Glasses are good too. Idk questions like this are hard augh]94: Name four things that you wish you had![money, a job, plush darkwing duck toy, a car]95: Are you a player?[no]96: Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day?[nooooope]97: Are you a tease?[hahahahaha no]98: Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?[nope!!! Not yet]99: Have you ever been deeply in love with someone?[maybe. But I don’t think you can love someone too deeply who doesn’t love you back]100: Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with?[sure, plenty]101: Hugs or Kisses?[both??? Both is good]102: Are you too shy to ask someone out?[It’s Not shyness, it’s rejection I have a problem with]103: The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?[girls are pretty]104: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?[Yeah I guess]105: If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it?[If it was an open relationship and everyone knew the situation, then yea prob?? If not, then no.]106: Do you flirt a lot?[not really]107: Your last kiss?[my grandmaaaaa]108: Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012?[not in a romantic way]109: Have you kissed anyone in the past month?[not in a romantic way]110: If you could kiss anyone who would it be?[next question]111: Do you know who you’ll kiss next?[nope!! It’s a hopefully nice surprise for future me]112: Does someone like you currently?[probably not lol but ive got no idea!!]113: Do you currently have feelings for anyone?[sure]114: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?[I want to fall in love.]115: Ever made out with just a friend?[yeah]116: Are you happier single or in a relationship?[in a relationship I think?]117: Your own question that you want me to answer. Just write it.[just send me an ask and ill answer it]

This got a bit of self hatred dashed in there whoops sorry!!!

all the questions! 💕

i love u my beautiful angel

1: What are you wearing?

black shirt black jjoggers my new opal necklace that i keep talking about because im so excited 2: Ever been in love?

just the one time3: Ever had a terrible breakup?

i thought it was terrible at the time but truly it was one of the best things to ever happen to me4: How tall are you?

5 foot 45: How much do you weigh?

it fluctuates between 110-120 i think im probably right in the middle of the two these days6: Any tattoos do you want?

yes somany of course and i have one that i might get in the next few days its very pretty but tbh my ideas have been stolen before so ......ive already said too much7: Any piercings that you want?

every once ina while i get really excited for certain piercings but it always dies out relatively quickly so im gonna have to say no8: OTP?

me and emilio, pete and erin on the office, my old friend brennas mom and stepdad9: Favorite Show?

30 rock or the office or workaholics10: Favorite bands?

twin peaks, the beatles11: Something you miss?

sunshine! fuck! where is my guy The Sun12: Favorite song?

currently it might be baby its you by the shirelles or maybe the cover by thebeatles theyre both on my january playlist. also come and get your love by redbone. also 100% by sonic youth and a live acoustic version of wasted and ready by ben kweller are my all time favorites13: How old are you?

19 and my birthday is in march which is so soon and im excited14: Zodiac sign?

aries 15: Hair Color?

dark brown and as of late the ends are blonde and caramel16: Favorite Quote?

i cant complain but sometimes i still do - joe walsh (its been stuck inmy head for like twelve yearsi dont have a better answer)17: Favorite singer?

hmm.......hard to say....clay frankel 18: Favorite color?

green19: Loud music or soft?

loud20: Where do you go when you're sad?

st joe michigan my second home. i like to go to all my secret spots and reminisce. i like driving north thru buchanan on sunny days and looking at all the cottages in wine country21: How long does it take you to shower?

10-15 mins22: How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?

0 mins all i do is roll out of bed and put clothes on 23: Ever been in a physical fight?

yes and really this is a good time to remind all that i will fuck you up.24: Turn on?

no lie when i see emilio genuinely happy like big smiles and giggles it always gets me25: Turn off?

hmm..not that this is relevant now but seriously the most disgusting thing a boy can do is come into your job or something and hit on you. it use to only happen at like the gas station or something like that but now that i spend so much time alone in the store it happens so much more often. honestly even when  i have coworkers around guys still do that shit, fuck that!26: The reason I joined Tumblr?

i had a tumblr in like 2009-2010 but i cant remember why. but i deleted that in 2011 and made a new one a year later and no lie the reason i rejoined was because i saw a gif and i was like damn thats dope, where else can you see gifs except tumblr, now all websites have gifs and im fucking trapped27: Fears?

i dont have any. i use to be scared of puppets and the dark but now i just dont care!28: Last thing that made you cry?

straight up the last time i cried was when i was reading some comments on a youtube video of bob segers “still the same”. this guy was commenting on it about how the song reminds him of his late best friend and he said he missed him everyday and i fucking lost it for this old man and his friend. i cried about that comment a few days after the fact jus thinking about it. im not embarrassed. i love love.29: Last time you cried?

that was probably all about a week ago or something30: Meaning behind your url

i was talking with someone years ago who i was friends w on here and we were talking about our dream homes and i said i wanted a room for eveyr animal and species and one would be filled with beetles called bug club and now ehre i am31: Last book you read?

probably the great gatsby years ago. i wish i had motivation to read32: Last song you listened to?

come and get your love! 33: Last show you watched?

im watching the office as we speak34: Last person you talked to?

emilio irl, hailey via text35: The relationship between you and the person you last texted?

i love that bitch she comes to my work with gifts sometimes. for any of you who follow my ig, those little potted plants im growing were gifts  from her 36: Favorite food?

beef jerky damnnear37: Place you want to visit?

ireland so bad as of late. the UP as of forever. oregon. i really am hoping we can take a trip to go visit connor in colorado sometime and id really love to go to germany38: Last place you were?

dominos pizza39: Do you have a crush?

yes.....40: Last time you kissed someone?

a lil bit ago41: Last time you were insulted and what was it?

hmm... i think it was probably someone trying to tell ME that MY BOYFRIEND is shitty, but does it count if i didnt actually care? i think the last thing i actually got heated about was my creepy coworker trying to fry me for being addicted to my phone because i used my phone in front of him42: What color underwear are you wearing?

nudish pink43: What color shirt are you wearing?

black44: What color bottoms are you wearing?

black45: Wearing any bracelets?

no46: Last sport you played?

last february or march or something me and some of my st joe friends played catch in the dark for a little bit....thats as close as it gets besides going back to middle school47: Last song you sang?

probably never be like you tbh i cant stop listening to that song, first time i ever heard this song adam was playing it and i remember asking tony what it was and if i remember right he did not like the song and so he fried me 48: Last prank call you remember doing?

the only one i can remember is one time in seventh or eighth grade my friend brooke invited me to her birthday party and like we had hung out before a lot she was one of my best friends but she was always really quiet and shy but we calld this boy that our friend heather liked and she straight up impersonated alvin from alvin and the chipmunks better than anyone besides alvin ever could and it was so shocking and so fucking funny at the time49: Last time you hung out with anyone?

me and mikaila went on a few drives earlier in the week 50: Favorite movie

i dont even know anymore. damn near waynes world or some shit. my life is in shambles.

New year, new post

I remember the first time I realized I was more sad than I’d ever been before

It wasn’t the kind of sad when your heart gets broken and it just aches, it wasn’t the kind of sad when you lose someone close to your heart, it wasn’t the kind of sad when your feelings get hurt over something silly but you take it to heart. It was this awful, gun wrenching kind of sad that was a mixture of every other kind of sad possible. Where you were so sad it turned into a mind out of body experience where I was so lost in the sadness that it didnt seem like there was anything else in existence for a while.

I was 15. You’d think after being deathly sick 9 months prior that I’d be on a kick of loving life and appreciating another chance. It was the exact opposite, however. I went through my cloud nine moment after getting healthy again, I had soo many friends and the cool, older, hot boyfriend who helped me make soo many more friends. I was cool, skinny, pretty. I had it really good for a 15 year old girl. But 15 is a sticky age. A lot of people have a hard time for different reasons but it’s definitely an age where you broaden your horizons, some people more than others, and it isn’t always easy. Peer pressure and the pressure of high school wasn’t really what my issue was. My issue was that I reached this age where I started to realize. Realize how much of my life had been sugar coated, how i really knew nothing about anything, how the only thing that made me so cool and so popular was the fact that me, and everyone else around me, knew nothing. So when I started to realize and learn things about myself that to this day, people still don’t know i know, I realized that I wasn’t anything special, that if people knew me and where I came from, my background, they’d be a lot quicker to judge.

The first time I ever remember thinking why my family was “different” was in 7th grade when a girl asked me if it was true that i was a “test tube baby” since I didnt know my dad. I didnt know what she meant then but i was quick to tell her no.

It was weird. I always knew that I knew my dads name, that i used to see him, that he lived near Eden Drive. There was just these things I knew. Never verified for most my life, but I just knew. People asked me if I was black, spanish, why i looked nothing like my mom. I never knew the right answers but I also never cared because people always loved my tan skin and curly hair. I never cared because I was Queen Bee. I had so many friends that i couldn’t keep up. I was never alone, I was never bored. Which for an only child, I was lucky I had so many good friends around. I remember watching so many friends go through their first heartbreaks. The ones that made them think they were gonna die, never “fall in love” again. The ones that made people hurt themselves because they were so convinced that at 15, it was the end of the fucking world. Out of the blue, I found my end of the fucking world. And holy shit do i wish it was over some stupid fucking boy.

I hate to say this  is where it started but I think it did start because of a boy and a supposed “best friend”. I was the cool girl, with the hot boyfriend, and all the friends. I thought nobody would dare to betray me or backstab me. But they did. My boyfriend and best friend hooked up, he dumped me like a piece of garbage before college because what college boy dates a high school right?? I’m embarrassed that thats where it started but I also, 5/6 years later, have accepted that there’s a lot of things that contribute to why I feel the way I do. No matter how stupid or small. I spent the summer after my sophomore year in my bedroom. I was in and out of the hospital multiple times that summer. I was “dehydrated” or had a "stomach bug” twice a month. I feel stupid for lying but I was “dehydrated” because I’ve always eaten in my room so I’d throw away my food or hide it until I could throw it away. Id lay in the sun for hours without water until I felt nauseous. And then take 16 advil to make me feel better. I tried to be as discreet as possible which was stupid. But nobody caught on so I guess I did fine. I still can’t take the blue advil PM’s to this day because the first time I attempted to OD was with those because they had the most out of all the pill bottles in the cabinet. I puked for 12 hours straight and laid in my bed & on the bathroom floor in a basically acomatose state for 3 days.

I remember slowly falling asleep after taking those advil and having the song Super Rich Kids be on repeat for probably 14 hours till I started puking. I can remember that song faintly playing again and again, for what felt like years. Sometimes it would fade away and I’d swear I was dying. Other times it was blaring.

It still sends chills down my spine every time I hear it.

I tried so hard that summer. I’m still depressed and I hate that after so long I still haven’t gotten better. But then I think about all the things I never would’ve done if I had taken my life that summer.

It became a normal thing for a few months, if i wasn’t taking a bunch of pills to fall asleep, I was cutting myself anywhere I could hide it. I had a playlist on my iPhone 4s called “ill kill myself to one of these.”

The first time someone noticed the cuts on my wrist was a kid in my PreCalc and Trig class. He was friends with a lot of people I was friends with but we never really talked. He saw one day and asked if I was okay. Of course I said I was fine and he grabbed my hand and told me he was always there if I ever needed someone.

If I had a chicken nugget for every time someone has told me they were there if I needed them, Id be 700 pounds and probably happy at that point. But the one thing that was different about him, was someone noticed me for something more than the popular girl, with the big butt, and all the friends. He didn’t care about any of that and was one of the most genuine people I’ve known to this day.

Once school started up again, I felt much better. Always partying, always with friends. But there was still just something driving me crazy deep down. One friday in october, I was home for once on a weekend. And checked my Facebook to find a message from what I thought said, “Alex Lamonaco.” I froze, and looked again to see I was wrong.. It said Alexis Lamanaco. I was so damn confused and wanted to just block this person cause I thought they were fucking with me. But I decided to accept the message. Which was the click that changed so much for me.

I did not think for one second that accepting that message was gonna be opening a door to a whole new world that had been kept a secret from me for a reason.

I wasn’t an only child. (From my dads side). Not only did I find out I had a sister, but a niece on the way. I was in fact half puerto rican. My dad was a piece of shit. My dad was in jail. My dad was in jail for molesting my older sister who’s mom wasn’t as strong as mine to fight for sole custody and she told me she was happy it was her and not me.

We’ve talked on and off ever since. Ive blown her off every time I was supposed to meet her. But she has always been understanding.

My niece is 5 now. My sister is a really good single mom, she reminds me a lot of my own.

Im 19 years old and my mom still denies that she somehow made me with another man who’s half puerto rican. It drives me so crazy that she can’t tell me about our life but after what I’ve learned.. I can’t blame her one bit. I can’t blame her for drinking excessively my life. I can’t blame her for being sad most the time. I can’t blame her for anything. Especially because I’m at the age she was when she had me and I can’t even imagine having to deal with the things that woman did.

I can remember the second time I tried to kill myself like it was yesterday. It was exactly a year and three days ago, in my apartment in Laramie, Wyoming. But I am getting too drunk and crying too much to write about it so ill save that one for another time.

i write this with complete confidence and as good as it fucking feels to write this all out and look at the bigger picture, I’m bawling cause of how far I’ve let this come. I can remember exactly where this sadness started. I can’t remember every thing Ive been sad about because as this disease has taken over me, I’ve began to get sad at everything. No matter how good or bad. I’ve met so many people along the way who claim to be depressed, suicidal, or anxiety ridden. I can now see maybe why people never took me(still don’t take me) seriously about it. I was so good at faking it. I swear I can look at a person and be able to look straight through their fake happiness. But I also would never want to make that assumption because people who feel this awful, will go to such extremes to hide it and make sure nobody can see that side of them. I keep finding excuses for myself. I feel this way cause of this and cause of that.. blah, blah fucking blah. But the only real reason, is come of myself. Ive proved to myself over a handful of times that theres nobody out there who can fix this or help me fix this. But i still can’t find it within myself to help myself when I am the ONLY person who has the ability to do so. So… with that. Im gonna sleep on it.. for the almost 2000th day in a  row. night night.