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selamat-linting · 1 year

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last night, a little homestuck before bed and :

-i dont think i can maintain the facade of composure or coherence anymore. this is five seconds before john find several people brutally slaughtered, including his own dad, and he himself get stabbed to death. look at him! look at how silly this child is. my zillyhoo son, its unfair theyre piling up all this shit to you.

-i get why rose went grimdark tbh. things are pretty bad out there. it fucks me up that she's like, taking over the suicide mission. and how awful it is that she'd gone off the deep end that she looked at her parents dead body and only think of killing. something i noticed between the two light players is that theyre always burdening themselves with the hard, difficult tasks alone even though the team wanted it to be done as a group effort. its commendable but not always a good thing.

-its pretty funny that the kids with shitty guardians' have a wildly contrasting reactions to their dead parents like

dave, at the beginning of story : my bro is the coolest guy ever

dave now : huh. he's dead. okay. time to use the sword lodged in his chest as a trampoline! sweet loot. i love not getting knifed in my apartment

rose, at the beginning of the story : my loathsome mother and her penchant for the devil's drink!!!!!

rose, now : i should've looked out for her *activates rage mode*

i mean, i suppose thats appropriate but. you know how it is. poor kids, they've been through a lot. did they even have a warm meal lately? also i think bro is kinda handsome and i understand his fascination with puppets. i too, read a tentacle dick spamton fic as a lark and becomes genuinely intrigued with it.

-i am in love, in love! with the format of clicking to a collage of pictures. There was just so much Shit going on and the banner have doc scratch home being burned down and snowman making out after smoking a bloodied pipe. and then jade hunting frogs with dave. it would have been adorable to see these kids finally meeting each other for the first time if the world wasnt going to do a hard reset.

-fuck it. an AU. kids being kids. no sburb no tragedy. theyre just online friends. jade's grandpa is alive, he took jade into civilization often so she's not undersocialized and knows how to function if she wants to live a normal life. and as a birthday gift he took all of her friends to the island as a surprise for her 13th birthday. they spend the day catching frogs and playing paintball. and then at night, rose and jade urge everyone to try lucid dreaming. none of them made it because theyre all too busy making fun of john's movie selection. dave is beatboxing over squiddles music. and then right in the middle of their playing, a ship crash landed to the island. it was the trolls.

-uhhghgghghhh i need to see. an animatic. of jade and dave's fight. with bec noir. look at all the moves theyre making it would have been one hell of a fight and we were robbed of a proper flash with boisterous music! space time vs omnipotence lets fucking go!

-speaking of vriska, wow she really is giving her all in these pages. her last stand with jack. the enemy she took part in creating. she knew she was going to die and done her best asking out literally everyone alive. and the best/worst thing is, everyone accepts. terezi literally came to her with all the rp outfit they used to do. and, i know i should be shocked but im just laughing at karkat showing up late with the sloppy makeout note. And she gave the cutest most adorable date proposal to john like, ugh its cute teenage puppy love! yes, i think they'd go well together. I dunno, maybe its my kimharry enjoyer heart speaking, but i think characters who'd done terrible violence should be with someone who only met them after they strived to be someone better, or at least a blank slate. that way, they get a fresh start and can focus on improving instead of getting distracted with hurt feelings and old wounds. also i am not burdening terezi, aradia, tavros, and all of the kids she personally maimed with All of That tbh. unless they want to ofc.

-anyways, here is the updated vriska relationship chart

matesprit -> still, the poster of nicholas cage in con air, or karkat if youre so inclined to imagine a world where she makes out with karkat before fighting terezi. gross lol.

moirallegiance -> john, full stop. her relationship with terezi needs some peace time before coming back into pale redrom

kismesis -> terezi. im FROTHING at the mouth thinking at the tragedy of their relationship. this is some intergenerational trauma shit, some wicked codependency junk, like the cuno and his buddy C. its the real shit fa- (okay i should stop speaking like cuno before i embarras myself)

-also. WHY WAS IT A JUST DEATH! im hitting the clock im destroying it with jack. fuck you fuck you so much. Doc scratch fix the clock so it gives me what i want or i'll burn your house! asshole!

-im curious about the sprites. i hope they find a way to be relevant again. i've always think theyre awesome and has more info that could have been beneficial for the kids.

-all in all, i give this homestuck liveread and overall rating of what the fuck what the fuck ohhhhh ohhh my fucking godd imma read this again motherfucker

#homestuck #homestuck liveread #homestuck liveblog #thank god i still have my drafts #i thought it was gone forever

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bakugoubabygirl · 3 years

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okay before I start she going to choose one. Don't worry if its not the one you wanted her to choose bc its going to be a Roller coaster of emotions and a lot of back and forth for awhile BC I FUCKING LOVE BOTH OF THESES BOYS. also there will be smut soon and it wont be vanilla .

YOUR POV

"Lets go before they find us" I whispered tugging on Bakugou arm. He didn't say a word and followed me. " Lets get some food at the stand" I gave him smile. Bakugou followed me he seem kind of moody though more moody then usual . " Are you going to say yes?" Was he asking about tododroki. I didn't give much thought to that . I like him a lot but if I was being honest with myself i had feelings for someone else. " I dont know I like him a lot and i think it would be amazing. But i also think I have feelings for someone else. To be fair they haven't shown no sign of returning this feeling. Maybe I ought to say yes and forget about the other guy like that" I admitted. " Who is this other guy" He asked. Why was he so damn interested and how can i tell him its him. "Not telling" I felt my face getting red. Next thing I Knew I was getting pinned against a wall. " Tell me" He growled. Why was this bothering him so much. If only he knew that telling him would ruin our friend ship . He would never look at me the way I look at him. because I was made to be the villan. Bakugou strive to be perfect at everything and I was not perfect. " Bakugou Its you stupid" Then I broke free from his grasp . I didn't want t o know his reaction or have him mocked me. I hurried and disappear into the crowd. Still haven't found any thing to eat my tummy started growl. When I heard my name being called out, The next thing I knew someone dragged me off somewhere quite. I'm so sick of being pulled around today. It was my dad, Honestly I was relived that it wasn't Bakugou . " Hey I know you and how your going to give it all but You need to make sure your head is clear. Ive been studying and your powers feed off you emotions. I want to make sure you have a clear head" he said worriedly . OH god I'm screwed my head is far from clear. " Yeah I'm not focusing on anything right now except for winning" I said and I fake smiled. " that's Great I Know your going to make me proud. I may be rooting midoryia but Your my number one and I hope you win more." He smiled. Pulled me and for a hug. " Thank you dad and don't worry Ill cut all there throats open" I laughed. Then it was time to to go back to the arena. Time to face bakugou mental and physical . I think mentally would be harder to do. Midnight call me and bakugou to fight first. I try not to think about what had conspire between us earlier. I need to focus to keep my head cleared. We both step into the ring. Bakugou goes to attack me and I dodge it just in time. Then I Blast one of my purple fire balls at him and he dodge to . This was really upsetting, and I Take one of my shadow hands out and it wraps around his body. I started to think about how he never loses. He was perfect and every way and would make a fine super hero one day. something you'll never be the voice was back again.

Bakugou POV

She had her hand wrapped around me. I had to escape and then I saw Her starting to levitate off the ground. Her eyes flash purple there was a gasp from the crowd. She slam hard into the ground with the shadow hand. She was Going to kill me. I jump up and fired another explosion at her this time using more force. She shield it and then made a big shadowy fist at the ground causing it to erupt . I almost fell but then I caught my balance. This time I used my full force now that I knew it wouldn't hurt her too bad. The explosion was so big she couldn't shield it. She was on the ground and lay there for several of seconds. I walked over her to see if I have won and if she was okay. She started to get back up again and she grabbed a whole of me again. She grabbed me so tight with the shadow arm I couldn't breath. My face started to turn purple I was pretty sure I was going to die. The crowed was screaming to let me go But she wouldn't listen. " Y/n Please let me go I cant breathe" I try to say but she didn't hear or listen. She wouldn't do this on purpose. Something was seriously wrong . this was not her. " Y/n Please I love you" at that point I didn't fucking care if the whole crowed thought I was a simp . I love her and I need her to came back. Her eyes turn back to e/c when I said that. " Bakugou" she gasps and then dropped me. I could barley move I'm pretty sure she won but she just stared at me. Her eyes started to tear up. " I give up" she yelled. Then ran out of the arena . They announced me winner and The nursing girl came to heal up my minor wounds. I was livid that I won that way. She threw the fight.

Y/N POV

I Brought shame on my dad and my school. I brought shame on myself. The whole world watch it happen too. They watch me turn into a monster. I almost killed bakugou and He never going to want anything to do with me again. I sat outside the stadium on the ground. I'm no hero I cant even go and face what I done. I must of sat there for hours and hours. It was finally dark and everyone left. it started to pour down rain. I decided to go back into the arena to pick up my bag and stuff. It was dark except for a couple security lights. I found my bag when I heard a familiar voice. " Tch where did you go?" Bakugou asked. Was he still talking to me. " heard you won congratulation" I gave him a smile. The air was so cold I could see my own breath.

BAKUGOU POV

" THATS NOT HOW I WANTED TO WIN" he yelled. " YOU GAVE UP THAT FIGHT WAS YOURS" " I almost killed you . I was created for one reason and one reason only. The whole now know so to. I let you guys down and I let my dad down. How can I be the princess of peace when I cant even find peace in my own head. I'm done," I said tears started to pour out my eyes. " IF i was the bad guy you would of won. Your powerful and just because its hard your going to pack up then Your not who I thought you were " he scoffed. " I almost kill you and maybe next time I will. I care about you too much for that to happen" I cried. I started to turn away. He grabbed my wrist and pulled me agaisnt him. " I know you wont. You stop because your good and you over came it. we just have to work on it. Please stay if not for yourself then the million you could save with that power. " I dont know how I stopped myself. All I remeber is blacking out and then waking to see me almost killing youself." I explain. " I said something to you and then you just snapped out of it" He said nervously . " Oh well what did you say" I asked. This could help me find the answer. " I told you I Love you" He blushed. This was a side of him I never seen before. I think im falling to. Todoroki was important to me but in the end bakugou been here. I wasnt sure if I was ready to say it back. I grabbed his face and kiss him. He started kissing back first it was soft but then its starts to get more rough and passionate. He grabbed my ass and pulled me agaisnt him. despite the freezing rain , I felt warm. He pulled away but remain eye contact with me as he pulled something out of his of his jacket. It was a small box and he handed it to me. " I wanted to give this to you when I ask you out after I won the festival correctly . That didn't go as I plan but I still want to win your heart. please accept this and be my girl. I never done this soft shit and I'm sorry if it not something I'm going to show everyday. Your worth taking my pride down a little I guess" His face was red. I open it up and it was a sliver bracelet with his name on it and diamonds. It was beautiful and way too much. I had no idea what to say. " Yes Ill be yours" he pulled me into a tight hug. " lets go to my place you need to get out of the rain and getting late" he said gently. It almost scared me the way he was being so kind. Bakugou POV We arrived at my place. She look like she was about to past out. Today was a lot on all of us. I didn't really won the sports festival but at least I won the girl. I just got to keep that damn icy hot away from her. I wanted to rip the necklace off of her that he gave her. She mine now. " Hey you stupid bitch your late" my mom bitch. No good job bakugou or nothing. " Fuck you too hoe" I said back flipping her off. She was about to really yell, until she saw Y/n come in after me. " Hey Y/n nice to see you again. I saw you tonight you should of just kill him and not worry about it' she laugh. The fucking old hag meant as a joke. Y/n face turn white though. I grabbed her hand and lead her up to my bedroom. She seem like she was still half in a daze. " Lets get out of these wet clothes. You can wear anything of mine for now." I said awkwardly. I knew we were dating but I didn't know her boundaries . There so much I want to do with her. She needed sleep tonight though. we both did. she started to strip off in my room. Oh, she wasn't paying attention to anything really. I couldn't help but to watch in amazement though. She took off her clothes and strip down till she was naked. I had to use all my self control to not do anything. then she put on one of my T-shirts that looked like a dress on her and then a pair of my boxers. I strip down to nothing and but my boxers and laid on my bed. " come here princess" I yawned. She crawled into bed and laid on top of me. She feel asleep instantly but then here phone started going off. I Pick it up and looks at it. Deku: hey are you alright. Me and your dad are really worried. Damn deku fucking worrying about my girl. I didn't want to give her a dad the pro hero a reason to hate me though. Me: yeah I'm fine just staying at a friend house. I'm really sleepy so I'm going to go to bed. Then there was other messages on the screen so I looked. Todo: hey Y/n I'm so worried about you. When you see this please answer and I was wondering if we could meet up tomorrow to talk about today and I have something I wanna ask you. I hope your safe and sleeping well beautiful. Oh hell no. She mine and he going to back the fuck off. I took a pictures of her sleeping on my chest and I sent it. Me: she mine and she sleeping fine thank you. Back the fuck off she mine now!!!!!! Todo: I see for now that may be it. I don't give up and I especially wont stop until she mine. You well slip and when you do ill be there for her. Your impulsive and abusive and don't deserve her. Me: You come any where near her your dead I blocked his number from her phone. I wrapped my arms tight around her and I pass out. The sun filled the room waking me up. She was still asleep. She was so beautiful and peaceful when she sleep. Her phone started buzzing causing her to wake. " Where my phone" she sat up straight looking for it. I handed it to her. The number didn't have a caller id. She scrunch her nose in confusion. " Hello who is this " she answered. " Todoroki, are you alright?" I heard him answered. Great rich boy has more then one phone. " Yes, what happen to your old phone number?" " Long story, where are you at?" " Bakugou house, why whats wrong?" she asked worriedly " Ill be there In 20" he said and then hung up. " Do you have anything else I can where by chance?" she asked " I think you look fine in that Idiot" I snorted grabbing her wait. " I cant go out like this" she said digging though the bag of mina and kiri clothes that they leave here. " Your not going anywhere with him and no way in hell wearing that" She hold up a short pink dress of mina. Mina was shorter then Y/n so this dress was gonna not cover anything. She took off my shirt and put on the dress anyways not listening to me at all. She grabbed my hair brush and tied it back out her face. she look stunning even though she didn't try and its for him. " I fucking mean it your not going anywhere with him" I yelled. " Chill out you have to trust me. He one of my friends and I'm yours so don't worry" she said try reassuring me. I almost lost her to him though. He going to try all Kinds of flirty shit. I cant be okay with this but I have too. She will leave if I'm too controlling. " One hour then come back" I grumbled. " I have to go home afterwards and talk to my dad" She sigh. She was right even though I wanted some time with her. The door bell ring and I hurried up to open it. IT was half and half baster. " Leave your hands off of her and no flirty shit or I will Murder you" I screamed and then Y/n push me put of the way. I grabbed her and kiss her so fucking hard in front of him. She push me away and laughed. " I'm sorry about him" she said. Walking out of the door with him. I kept trying to talk myself out of following them. I decided to invite shitty hair over to distract me.

IM open up to ideas and or request for my one shot books I'm doing. Thank you for read part 7 will be here Thursday at the latest

#bakougu #bhna #katsuki bakugou x reader #todoroki shoto x reader #bnha shoto todoroki #bakugou x reader #izuku midoria x reader #midoriya izuku #dekubaku #allmight daughter #almight #smut #fluff #angst #lovetriangle #jelouse katsuki

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gronjon44 · 3 years

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My thoughts on WONDER WOMAN:1984

⚠️⚠️⚠️SPOILERS⚠️⚠️⚠️

I wanna like this movie, and there are parts of this film that I genuinely do like.

There are some funny moments and I like some if not most of the themes.

And I want to be as critical and non political as possible with this analysis as possible.

But, speaking not as a Center Republican and as an average movie goer,

The political refferences in this just ruin the film for me, on top of other issues.

Max Lord is too blatant a Trump reference, the big business persona aside; I read an article by NBC News (I'll link it at the end) says the director used Trump as "one inspiration for the character".

Yeah no, that wasnt one reference that was all reference I looked up Max Lord in the comics and frankly it looks like Trump was the only reference the director used.

The article goes into detail about how the director steps around Trumps more controversial policies and essentially whitewashed Trump with Lords character which, i can see what they mean when they say that.

I won't get into all the details, as I don't agree with everything in the article but you can read for it yourself at the end.

Now getting past the Trump refferences and whatnot I'd like to say that most parts of this movie are actually really enjoyable.

Diana Prince/Gal Gadot are a joy to watch as always, Barbra was a joy to watch as a villain, Steve Trevor was fun to see and ⚠️⚠️⚠️SPOILER⚠️⚠️⚠️the invisible jet was a fun twist that I was genuinely surprised to see.

But some complaints I have involve the ending, a few in-between bits, and some minor details that just stuck with me.

So again, ⚠️⚠️⚠️SPOILER⚠️⚠️⚠️ for anyone who hasn't seen it yet.

The ending was very mcguffined and frankly, kinda cheap.

I get that, yes, the point of the end was to show Max Lord what he was doing was truly wrong and to have him undo the wishes that followed his bad decisions, I get that.

But for there to be no real consequences for what he did? And that he gets to run free and return to his son without being reprimanded for what he did (outside of a few minor ass beatings) It feels cheap and unsatisfying, at least in my opinion.

Something that the article brought up (that I disagree with frankly) is that film ⚠️⚠️SPOILERS⚠️⚠️ treats Barbras choice to become more like Diana as a bad thing then a good thing, saying that Wonder Woman is meant to show Woman that they can be like her, and that some woman do want to be like her. They go one to say that (quote) "Instead of congratulating Barbara, the movie presents her as a warning. Gaining power and beauty makes her cruel and violent and selfish — a villain, not a hero. It's like the film has included its own cranky superhero-film hater to tell fans they're doing it wrong." (end quote)

Now, heavy spoiler talk incoming so be warned.

The stone acts like the monkeys paw, where in when you wish for something, you get it but at the cost of losing something (i.e if I wish for a million dollars, but when I get the million dollars I lose my house and prized possessions)

Now, if someone is inspired by Wonder Woman and wants to be like her, then great! Be like her! If you can strive to be like Wonder Woman then hey be like her.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be like those you admire. But here's the thing that I think this article misses. Barbra didn't strive on her own to be like Diana, she wished it. She didn't earn anything that was given to her.

She was a good person before yes, and there was nothing wrong with wanting to be like Diana. But the problem that this article misses is that she was given these gifts and opportunity, she didn't earn them.

She never had any of these things before, and being given these things so suddenly may have gone to her head; so much so that she was quickly consumed by her new gifts that she lost touch with her old self.

And let's think about that a moment. The stone takes as quickly as it gives. What did the stone take from Barbra? Well I think its meant to be pretty clear that, in return for becoming "strong, sexy, cool, and special," she had something taken away from her.

When she had nothing she was a kind person, yes she was ignored but she wasn't lashing out about it, she was her own personal. When she was given her wish she slowly became consumed by it, focused not on others or her work, but on herself and her own greed. She wanted to be admired and to be seen, and there's nothing wromg with that.

But she did not earn her beauty, strength, or popularity. She was handed them on a silver tray at the cost of losing touch with herself. She was consumed by a lie she wanted to believe.

This film has a heavy theme about accepting truths and seeing past veiled lies; Diana used a shortcut to get ahead in the contest as a child, Max Lord used the stone to lie to himself about how shitty a person/father he was, Barbra used it to lie to herself and make her something she wasn't, hell Diana lied to herself twice thinking she could keep Steve Trevor and stop Max Lord together, even while her powers were being taken away.

And there's another example of having what you hold close taken at the cost of what you want. Diana's powers at the cost of having Steve Trevor back in her life; Diana wanted nothing more then to have Steve Trevor back in her life and to be with him, but he was dead.

Until the stone heard her internal thoughts/wish and made it come true, but at the cost of her powers. But Diana didn't care. Diana knew Steve was someone else and she knew her powers were being taken away to have him back in her life, she knew this was all a lie (the stone was even created by a God of Lies)

All in all the accepting truth theme is fine I like it, but I think it gets overshadowed by all the politics and wonky CGI.

And on to that side of my thoughts.

You can really see the CGI in this film. Some parts aren't that bad but others are just... really noticeable.

Like, there's a scene where Diana is running down a street and she's speeding up down the road. You can see the CGI in her legs and how they try to make her run faster then she is.

You know how Chris Evans has that unique running style that can't be easily recreated? Yeah they try to have Diana run like that and you can see the CGI they used to make it.

And there are other little moments that you can't help but notice (a body flies too fake here or a hand grabs at the ground too smoothly there) little moments.

I know CGI is useful for some scenes and I have nothing about extra CGI in a film. But this felt like those scenes in Horror Movies where you can really see the CGI blood and just how cartoonish it really looks.

Also just, jumping on after this, can we talk about the acting?

Gadot, Pine, Wig, and Pascal all perform amazingly in this film (while I don't like his character I will commend Pascal for putting in a solid performance as Max Lord) But when you focus on some of the side characters and their acting its just really cringy.

The initial jewelry heist scene starts off fine I liked it, but when the guy drops his gun it all just gets so cheesey and corny.

Now, I like cheesey and corny acting I do. But honestly this film felt like it was trying way to hard to be in the 80s.

Stranger Things does this well with its 80s setting (the background, the characters, small moments throughout the series)

Wonder Woman 1984 tries to act like the original Wonder Woman from the 80s, and it doesn't hit that mark.

Now, I didn't grow up with the 80s Wonder Woman, but my dad did. He knew the references and he could tell what they were trying to do. But even he thought it was a little too much (he said that she fought the villain the exact same way and the acting of multiple characters reminded him of that cheesey 80s acting)

In short, most the acting was fine, but alot of it was... also not fine.

This next bit will be my last complaint and then I'll be done (its minor but its does bug me)

Why did they even make the wishing stone?

Now, I'll admit I'm no expert on DC comics, let me be the first to say that. But this stone is a magical artifact that can grant wishes at the cost of taking something valuable to you (like a monkeys paw) They even refference the Monkeys Paw on several occasions in this film, basically acting like the stone is the paw itself.

Now just, here me out for a minute.

The stone acts like the monkeys paw-

It has the same rules as the monkeys paw-

They even reffer to it like the monkeys paw-

Why not just use the monkeys paw?

Legitimately they treat this thing more like the actual Monkeys Paw rather then a mystical genie rock that it actually is. Yes they try to make the rock interesting (it destroyed the Mayans, it brought down multiple Roman Emperors etc) but I just can't get past how useless it all is.

You could replace the stone with a real monkeys paw, give it the exact same origins, and even still have Max Lord bond to the monkeys paw-

And it would still work.

There is no thematic purpose for the stone to be a stone when you can just use the paw. When Max bonds to the paw make his own hand turn into the monkeys paw, and now it has more thematic purpose for why he needs to actually touch people.

Just, its so small a thing that it technically doesn't matter but at the same time I really think that it does.

Thats the last of my complaining/ranting. Like I said I want to be as neutral and genuinely critical of this film.

I wanna like it but I just... there's alot issues that I think should've been addressed before this film was released. I have nothing against referencing current politics or making something pro-this or anti-that, but if your gonna do it at least write it in a cohesive way.

If I had to rank this with the other DC films in the last Decade (I haven't seen Birds of Prey yet and I don't remember much of Man of Steel so bear with me)

Wonder Woman 2017

Shazam

Wonder Woman 1984

Aquaman

Suicide Squad

Justice League

Batman V. Superman

It isn't the greatest film but its still better then DC's worst, so I'll give them that. I rate it a 6/10

#wonder woman #wonder woman 1984 #ww84movie #ww84 spoilers #wonder woman 1984 spoilers #spoilers #dc comics #dc movies #man of steel #birds of prey #batman

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the-lupine-sojourner · 5 years

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Takara’s Hero Academia, Season 2 Episode 2 [Eijiro Kirishima/OC] [Female!Aizawa/Hizashi]

Okay, so here we finally are. I feel like it’s been forever since I updated this story. Sorry!

Anyway, um, I do now have a Patreon, in case anyone wants to actually pay me to write or whatever. Seriously, though, don’t feel pressured to do anything with this. I am just seeing if anything will come out of this.

Moving on, I’ll do the taglist. @elite-guard-hardygal @dailyojiromashirao @souskena and @fandoms-fandoms-everywhere99 . I apologize for not having this up last night!! I thought I’d be able to sit down and get it done but then I ended up getting sidetracked and then it was midnight and--whoops. I might post what I did instead later. It’s kinda cool! Hardygal knows what it is, lol. XD

Okay, so lemme add the link for this series’ Masterlist!

Okay, now let’s get to the story! :)

God Bless and Good Day!

~The Lupine Sojourner

By the time the final bell rang, I was exhausted.

I yawn and stand, gathering my things up before Eijiro grabs them and slips them into my backpack for me, and I blush a little. He was still distracting me! I thought I was going to try to pull myself together around him! Regardless, I smile.

“Thanks, but you really don’t have to keep doing this kind of thing for me…” I mumble, scratching the back of my neck. Eijiro shrugs.

“I want to.” He replies and my blush goes a few shades darker.

“O-oh…” I mumble. “Okay.” Then, Ochaco opens the door.

“Uhh...why the heck are you all here!?” I look up and see the doorway packed with students.

“Do you students have some business with our class?” Tenya asks. No one replies. I shift awkwardly, shrinking back a little into my seat. The spotlight wasn’t something I was used to. If I had to guess, they’re here to scout out the class that’s fought villains...greeeaaaattt.

“Why are you blocking the doorway?” The class pervert asks. “I won’t let you hold us hostage!” I roll my eyes. Like he could do anything about it. Katsuki, backpack over his shoulder, stalks toward the door.

“They’re scouting out the competition, idiots.” He growls. “We’re the class that survived a real villain attack. They wanna see us with their own eyes.” I gulp, standing. If he was leaving, I should, too. I needed to find Mom and Dad, anyway. Eijiro takes my backpack and walks toward the door with me. I smile gratefully at him. “At least know you know what a future pro looks like.” Katsuki continued. I roll my eyes, the smile dropping.

“Katsuki, enough. We’re all striving to be heroes. Technically, that makes us all potential future pros. Stop.” I call, but it doesn’t make a difference.

“Now move it, extras!” Katsuki snaps as the crowd goes quiet.

“Katsuki!” I bark, hobbling over.

“You can’t just go around calling people extras just because you don’t know them!” Tenya interjects, his arms waving wildly in his emotional state. I open my mouth to add my own lecture, but then a voice rings out and I freeze.

“So this is Class 1-A.” It was Hitoshi! “I heard you guys were impressive, but you just seem like an ass.” He was talking to Katsuki as he made his way through the crowd as I crutch over.

“Shinso!” He never liked me calling him ‘Hitoshi’ in public. He smiles briefly at me, nodding subtly, then turns back to Katsuki.

“You know this clown?” Katsuki growls. I glare at him.

“Yeah. We went to middle school together.” It was a reason I know his name, at least. I didn’t need to go further and embarrass Hitoshi.

“I was sad to come here and find a bunch of egomaniacs in her class.” He continues, sighing a little and rubbing the back of his neck.

“It’s just how Katsuki is,” I defend, “but seriously. Not all of us are like him.” Katsuki glares at me. Hitoshi closes his eyes.

“I wanted to be in the hero course.” He says to no one in particular...or maybe Katsuki. Or 1-A. I’m not sure. “But, like many others here, I was forced to choose a different track.” I suddenly realize why Shinso was here; part of it might be checking on me, but a larger portion must be him declaring what he intended to do. He wanted to win the Sports Festival or do well enough that he can be moved into the Hero Course, like Mom did when she was in high school. “Such is life.” His eyes narrow at Katsuki, who’s remaining surprisingly calm. “I didn’t cut it the first time around, but I have another chance.” I knew it! “If any of us do well in the Sports Festival, the teachers can decide to transfer us to the Hero Course, and they’ll have to transfer students out to make room.” Oh, no...this was a declaration of war. “‘Scouting the competition’?” Hitoshi asks rhetorically. “Maybe some of my peers are, but I’m here to let you know that if you don’t bring your very best, I’ll steal your spot right out from under you.” Hitoshi tilts his head a little. “Consider this a declaration of war.” I blink.

“Shinso…” I murmur, biting my lip. The rest of the class flinches in shock, but I look at Shinso dead in the eye. Hitoshi was serious, but only glaring at Katsuki, who was glaring back. Was he just acting tough to push himself?

“Hey, you!” Comes a new male voice, and someone else forces their way to the head of the crowd. He had incredibly thick blonde eyelash-looking things around his eyes, with silver hair and a fire in his eyes to match Katsuki’s. Oh, great. Another hothead. “I’m from Class B, right next door to you! We heard you fought some villains and- -oh, shit.” He stops short when he sees my boot and crutch. I sigh and gesture to the boot.

“Yeah, we fought villains.” I reply. “And I got the injuries to prove it.” He takes a step back, then scoffs.

“Well, looks like the rest of your class are brats who think they’re better than us!” He challenges. I roll my eyes and point to my backpack, in Eijiro’s hand.

“That’s my backpack, but it hasn’t been on my shoulders since I got here. Eijiro here was the one who got me out of the villain attack and he’s been helping me ever since. The rest of my class are great people, too. Bakugo’s just...headstrong and doesn’t listen to anything or anyone.” The guy turns to Katsuki.

“Oh, great! Talk all you want, loser! It’ll just be more embarrassing when you’re K.Oed!” Katsuki just scoffs and walks away.

“Don’t you ignore me!” The newcomer roars angrily. I move to get Katsuki, but Eijiro beats me to saying anything.

“Dude, where’re you going?! You gotta say something! It’s your fault everyone’s hating on us, Bakugo!” Katuski just glances over his shoulder.

“These people don’t matter.” He growls.

“Huh!?” Eijiro snaps.

“The only thing that’s important is that I beat them.”

“Katsuki, stop!” I snap. “Yeah, we have to beat them to win, but heroes also need to have good teamwork with others. You need to work on that if you want to be the top.”

“Says who?” Katsuki retorts, then walks away before I can say anything else. The silver-head pops up again.

“Hey! I’m coming for you!” He exclaims. Katsuki ignores him. I go to chase him down and talk sense into him, but then decide against it. Right now, Katsuki’s only focus was winning the Sports Festival. If I were to talk to him, he’d only see it as me trying to undermine his chances somehow.

“I hate that that was such a manly exit…” Eijiro grumbles, clenching his fist. I bite my lip.

“Yeah, but...there’s no way he’ll win the Festival if he pisses everyone off.” I reply.

“Meh. He’ll be fine.” Sero counters.

“Besides, he wasn’t wrong.” Fumikage points out. “We have to beat them.” Kaminari groans.

“Yeah, sure, but this sucks!”

“So let’s prove them wrong.” I call, coming back further into the class room. “Don’t be what everyone thinks we are. We’ll prove them wrong.” Denki groans.

“But he made us everyone’s enemy!”

“Yeah, and all these dumb idiots will be gunning for us in the Festical now.” Mineta adds. I shrug, not looking at that little creep.

“Look, just keep training hard and don’t be an asshole and we’ll prove them wrong.” I retort, looking at Kaminari. He laughs.

“Kinda blunt, Yamada, but I like your style!” I chuckle and wave him away.

“Call me Takara, and thanks.” Eijiro then calls me and puts my backpack beside my desk for me. I notice he’s glaring at Kaminari, so I try to distract him by smiling at him. “Thanks.” The students outside slowly go away, talking about this and that, and I have to restrain myself from giving some big speech about how great my class is because the truth is...I don’t really know them yet. I don’t know enough to definitively stand up and say what I want to say. I then look up as Shinso walks over, giving me a small smile.

“Hey.” I smile back.

“Hey.”

“I’m glad to see you’re better. You had me scared for a moment.” Anyone who didn’t know Shinso might think he’s just saying that. His voice didn’t give much emotion away, but I understood. He meant every word.

“That was some speech.” I note, sighing.

“I meant that, too.” He says, leaning against the desk in front of me and crossing his arms. Most everyone’s left and I wanted to talk to Shinso, anyway, so I stay.

“Don’t lie; you just wanted to see me.” I tease, smiling.

“And what gave you that idea? I just wanted to send my message to 1-A.” He retorts. I roll my eyes, then sigh and pick at my skirt.

“...I’m worried, Shinso.” I confess softly.

“About what?” He asks, brow raised.

“About the Festival, and...and if I’ll be healed enough to prepare myself to fight. I just...my ribs don’t hurt that bad, but my leg still needs work. And I still need to train. A lot. I just...Mom and Dad will be watching. The world will be watching. I want to make a good impression.” Eijiro apparently takes that as a kind of cue, wrapping an arm around my shoulder.

“You’ll make a great one!” He assures me, daring to squeeze me close enough to mush our cheeks together. I blush and laugh.

“If you say so.” I reply, squeezing him in return. He straightens up, lets go, and puts a hand on my shoulder.

“But seriously; don’t sweat it. You’ll be great!” I grin and put my hand over his in a moment of boldness.

“If you say so.” I retort. Eijiro understood the deeper meaning; I support you, but think you’re downplaying yourself too much.. It was somethign we’d done for each other a lot as we approached this school year and the challenge of learning how to be a pro hero. Shinso pushes off the desk.

“Well, it was nice chatting, but I should be going.” He says. I stand, too, and hug him.

“Thanks for coming.” I murmur, drawing away.

“Your friend’s right, Takara; trust yourself. Besides, your parents adore you. No matter what you do in the Festival, their love won’t change.” I nod.

“Yeah, yeah. I just can’t help worrying about this whole thing.” Hitoshi shakes his head, chuckling.

“Don’t.” With that, he shrugs and waves as he walks away. I watch him leave and then pick up my backpack, slinging it over one shoulder, insisting on carrying it this time, despite Eijiro tugging on it.

“I got it. I’m not going far. Just to the teacher’s lounge to find Mom and Dad.” Eijiro pouts.

“Takara, you shouldn’t overdo it.” He mumbles. I smile, adjusting the backpack a little.

“I’m not.” He suddenly leans forward gives me a hug. I wonder where this is coming from, but find that I really like this. His hug is strong, but not overwhelming, steady and warm. I feel so safe and secure, I lose myself for a second and bury my face in his neck. He smells like cologne and men’s bodywash. One of those two things had teatree oil in it, something that made him smell amazing!

I then feel Eijiro stiffen and come back to reality and I blush almost blood red as I release him. Our eyes were so wide, they might have popped if they were balloons. “S-so-sorry!” I stammer, grabbing my crutch and running as quick as I can out of the classroom without using the crutch. Eijiro hadn’t moved, so I had a headstart, managing to get away before he- -”Ow!”

“Oof!” I blink, my leg flaring a bit as I realize I’ve run into somebody. Instantly, I stand and apologize. The person I hit laughs.

“Hey, don’t worry about it. It happens sometimes.” It’s a female, third year if I had to guess. Her Quirk makes her look wolf-like, her fur a mottled grey, black and earthen brown. It was so pretty! Her eyes were sapphire blue on the outside and emerald green on the inside and her tail flicks back and forth mindlessly and I have to remember to talk. It was rude to just stare.

“But still. I’m, um, Takara. Takara Yamada.” Her eyes light up.

“Oh! My dad works with your parents!” I raise a brow.

“Really?” She nods.

“Yeah! Oh, sorry! I’m Asami. Asami Hamato.” I grin.

“Like Hamato-Sensei that teaches the second years’ literature?” Asami laughs.

“Yeah. He might quit after this semester, though. He wants to start a self-defense dojo for people with less, um, combative Quirks.”

“Wow, that’s amazing!” She nods happily.

“Thanks.” She hands me back my crutch. “Here you go.” I take it. She pauses. “Wait...you’re in 1-A, right?” I nod.

“Yeah.” She gestures to my boot.

“This from that USJ incident?” I nod.

“Yeah...turns out your leg breaks when a superhuman grabs it to slam you into your mother.” I tried to sound light, like it was a joke now...but my voice wavered. Asami winces.

“Yikes. I’m glad you’re doing better, then.” I was grateful she didn’t press me for more details as I squirm.

“Thanks. I should probably let you go. It was great meeting you.” Asami smiles.

“Yeah, it was great meeting you, too. Maybe I’ll see you around, okay?” I nod, starting to walk off.

“Yeah.” We wave at each other and I continue on my way. Luckily, Eijiro hadn’t pursued me. I blushed again just thinking about that moment…

What was I thinking?! I’d just...it’d felt so good having his strong arms around me, his warmth making me feel safe and at ease, even if it was just for a moment. And then I went and ruined the mood by sniffing him! Ergh!

Finally, I reach the teacher’s lounge. “Hey, champ!” Dad calls. “I was just gonna come looking for yah!” I walk further into the room.

“Hey. I was just talking a bit with the others before I came up here.” he smiles.

“Okay.” I decided to focus on Asami, not that. I’d never hear the end of it if I told Dad I sniffed someone (especially Eijiro) out of nowhere.

“I met a third year on my way here.” Dad tilts his head.

“Oh? Who are they? I might know her.”

“Asami Hamato.” Dad grins.

“Oh, yeah! Her dad works here; Hamato Yoshi. He’s a nice guy. Kinda quiet, doesn’t say much, and doesn’t hang around the school a lot.” I shrug.

“Asami also said he wants to start a self-defense dojo for people that don’t have very combative Quirks.” Dad’s eyes go wide.

“That’s great!” I grin.

“I know, right?” Dad then grabs his stuff.

“Alright. Shota’s resting on the couch, but it’s time to go, so I’ll get her.” I nod.

=#=#=#=#=

The next few days went quick, and after school, I’d pop in for a little healing. Never anything extreme, but enough that in those few days, I was healed enough that Recovery Girl gave me the okay to start getting back into exercise and training, warning me to take it a little slow at first.

At that particular session (when I was cleared for training), All Might happens by the door. “I didn’t know you still needed healing…” He mumbles, walking slowly into the room. He looked guilty, but I don’t know why.

“Well, I didn’t want to drain my stamina too much because of school and stuff, but, um, yeah...I should be all healed soon, though, right Recovery Girl?” She chuckles.

“Yes, I believe so, now hold still so I can use my Quirk.” I do and find the healing sensation something I’ve gotten used to at this point. I watch Toshin-Oji go into his real form and sigh heavily as he sits on a cot.

“Takara, I...I wanted to say I’m sorry.” I blink as Recovery Girl moves away.

“Wait, what?” I ask, genuinely confused. “What for?”

“I couldn’t be at the USJ because I wasted my time as All Might that morning being heroic. I was stupid and now you, Shota, and Izuku paid the price.” I blink, remembering that Izuku’s legs seemed broken when he leapt out to protect All Might at the USJ. I wince.

“Is Izuku okay?” I ask automatically.

“He’s fine.” Recovery Girl assures me. “Besides broken legs, he only had minor injuries and two broken fingers.” I breathe out.

“That’s good.”

“How’s Shota?” All Might asks, bringing us more or less back to what he’d said. I sigh.

“She’s...coping. It’s not easy for her to adjust to needing to wear casts on both of her arms, but she’s happy she’s not blind.”

“She could have been blinded?!” He asks sharply in shock. I pale. Wrong thing to say!

“...Her orbital floors were pretty badly damaged, but Recovery Girl managed to heal them. She’s fine...or, at least, better then she used to be.” I chuckle awkwardly, and All Might smiles in relief, exhaling.

“That’s great news. Frankly, I was worried about you two, even after I heard you were stable. When I saw you on the ground, caught under Nomu’s foot...I didn’t know what had happened, just that it pissed me off so much I saw red and next thing I knew, I had you in my arms.” I blink. He’d been feeling this way since the incident?

“Toshin-Oji, you really can’t blame yourself- -no, seriously- -the only ones to blame are the villains.” I reply, holding up a hand when he tried to interrupt. “Even during the fight, I knew as long as I could hold out until I got to Recovery Girl, I’d be okay. I knew my injuries were bad, but I always had that notion in the back of my head.” I realize what I’m saying and turn to Recovery Girl. “I mean, not that I assumed you’d help me or anything! I just knew there was a possibility that I’d be healed pretty quickly!” She holds up her hand.

“I knew what you meant, dear. And, unlike another student, I haven’t had to heal you much, so of course I’d help you out. You and your mother were hurt pretty bad. I knew I could help, and I did, so let’s all agree to put this behind us, okay?” I smile.

“Yeah...okay. Toshin-Oji?” He turns his head to look me in the eye. “I love you.” He blinks.

“I love you, too.” He says and I swoop over to hug him. “You truly are a treasure.” He murmurs, squeezing me just a little harder and kissing my temple. I tear up a little in happiness and bury my face in his chest.

“Hey, Tik--...am I interrupting?” Dad asks, trailing off when he saw what was going on. I pull away and smile at Dad.

“Nah, we were just clearing some things up.” I reply, winking at Toshin-Oji. Dad seems to read the subtext and nods.

“I see. Well, Shota’s ready to go, so let’s not keep her waiting, okay?” I nod.

“Okay.” I turn back to the office. “Bye, guys!” I call, waving as I walk out of the room, thankfully not needing my boot. “Thank you, Recovery Girl!” I add.

“Don’t overdo it, dear! Start slow!” She calls back and I nod in acknowledgement.

“Hey, Tik-Tak, there’s actually something I wanted to talk to you about.” Dad says as we walk, and I nod, wondering what he could possibly want to talk to me about.

“Okay.” I prompt. He wraps an arm around my shoulders.

“Shota and I have been talking, and we think it’d be best to move into the faculty facility here on campus. That way, Shota doesn’t have to be driven to work everyday and we all have a bit more independence. Would you want to do that?” I nod.

“Yeah, Mom mentioned you two were toying with the idea, and I told her I could have my stuff packed in, like, two hours. Honestly, I think it’s a good idea!” He ruffles my hair.

“Thanks, Takara. Frankly, I’m using the whole move as a way to help Shota.” He sighs, slumped and looking away. “She’s taking this hard. Villains got the drop on us and she’s still trying to cope.” I blink.

“I...I’d imagine so.” I mumble. “Honestly, I haven’t been sleeping too well, myself. I keep waking up to nothing, feeling on edge for some reason, wondering what woke me, but I’m able to go back to sleep. Sometimes, I swear there’s someone in a room, but when I do the vibration thing, no one’s there.” Dad looks at me somberly, hand on my shoulder.

“That’s completely normal, Musume. Even Shota’s been having nightmares. She keeps waking up, clutching her face and staring around the room with her Quirk active, like she’s looking for enemies. It’s hard to get her to calm down.” I sigh. Figures Mom has her own demons to deal with.

“Maybe we can have movie night? Watch some corny comedy or something?” Dad chuckles.

“Maybe. Or we can ask Toshinori for show suggestions to watch as a family.” I nod eagerly.

“Yeah!” I’m already whipping out my phone and typing up a text as Dad laughs.

“We’ll look up recipes for popcorn and make a night of it. What’dya say?” I grin at him, sending the text.

“I say ‘hell yeah’!” I reply, high-fiving dad. This was a great idea!

Within five minutes, I get a text back.

Toshin-Oji <3:

Well, if you’re looking for something that makes for a good distraction, I’d recommend some of the older movies by an American film studio called Walt Disney. They have an interesting 2-D style in their early works and I find the stories charming. As for shows, I’m not sure...maybe look around and see if something appeals to you all.

I smile. That was an interesting idea, for sure.

=#=#=#=#=

The next day, we were at the fake city from the entrance exam, training. It was a lot of fun, even if I couldn’t really work myself the way I wanted to without making my leg cramp and spasm even after healing the broken bone. It was slowly coming back to normal, though, as I practiced simple kicks and stuff after a really short run to build that muscle back. My ribs forced me to take breaks, as well, if I pushed it too hard, but they were coming along great, too. My phone buzzes as I finish a pretend fight, so I check who the text is from.

Eijiro Kirishima:

Hey, come look at the tall building’s roof!

Confused, I decide to go ahead and walk over. I knew Eijiro was in the same area as me, so I knew which tall building he meant. However, it was so tall, I couldn’t see clearly what I was supposed to see up there. All I saw was a small blurry thing that might be Eijiro.

Me:

Ok, I’m here. What do you want me to see? I can’t really see anything…

Just a few seconds after I sent that, I hear a faint yell and then look up to see- - “Eijiro!” I scream, backing up toward the building make sure I wouldn’t be hit. I knew what he was doing; practicing falling long distances and using his Quirk to survive them. It was just training, but...still. If he didn’t activate his Quirk in time...thankfully, he lands and comes back up almost instantly, thrusting dramatically through the cracked pavement.

“Yyyeeaaahhh!” He roars, grinning wildly at me as he walks over, dusting himself off. His grin then turns into a smirk. “Impressed?” He asks, one hand on his hip, the other on the wall. I snort, blushing a little as he leans in just a little.

“You’re insane. You could have died...but to answer your question...yeah, it was kinda impressive.” I reply with slightly pink cheeks, chuckling and walking away, when Eijiro puts his other hand on the other side of my head. I turn to look at him. His face is intense with some unreadable emotion as he stares at me.

“So...did I smell good?” He asks, leaning in. I blush and lean back against the wall. Where was this coming from!?

“Um...what?” I ask stupidly, my racing mind unable to process what he might be talking about.

“What happened after the final bell yesterday...that hug…” My blush darkens. Oh shit! I’d almost forgotten! I lick my lips.

“I- -I’m so sorry about that!” I squeak, unsure how to take this reaction. Was he mad? Disgusted? He was so hard to read right now… “I, ah, I mean…yeah...you did smell good.” Why was that hard to say? It was a fact, nothing more...right? He then smiles, laughing (I swear he’s blushing, too, though) as he leans back, keeping one hand on the wall. I blush darker and want to sink into the ground.

“Takara, relax! I was just teasing!” He chirps. “But, good to know!” I exhale, then smack his arm.

“You jerk! I thought you were mad at me or something!” That, and I thought maybe...that was leading somewhere- -stoppit! This is not the time for those kind of thoughts! He’s just a friend! Stop!

“Aww, Takara, I could never be mad at you for long!” He replies, patting my arm and moving away.

“Good to know, jerk.” I grumble, the tone undermined by my smirk, then I sigh and nudge him. “You know, you’re a good man, Eijiro.” I mumble, cheeks red again “You didn’t have to help me, but you did, and I want you to know it means a lot to me.” He’s definitely blushing as he walks beside me. I wanted to make sure he knew how much all his help meant to me.

“Takara, I’d do it again. Anytime.” I feel an instinct to hug him but refrain and settle for smiling at him as we walk back toward where the others were training.

“And I’d do it for you.” I reply, just letting myself enjoy this moment. It was two friends affirming their bond...and that’s it…

So why am I blushing?!

(I promise I don’t mean to keep forcing KiriKara down your throat but most of these moments write themselves. Hope y’all don’t mind! (: Can’t wait to show you all the Sports Festival!)

#Fanfiction #OC Insertion Series #OC #original character #Original Female Character #MHA #BNHA #Eijiro Kirishima #Eijiro Kirishima X OC #Eijiro Kirishima X Takara Yamada #Takara Yamada (OC)

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deliciouscoloursoul · 3 years

Text

- saturday 21 august, 2021

another day, another night !

i got back from edinburgh yesterday, because my mothr now works there, having spent a week doing what i like in a way academic city. while i was there i screwed up my phone but it’s alright because one of us in due an upgrade soon and so, hopefully, it won’t be long before i get that ??

meanwhile i also went to a museum and viewed an exhibition on Ray Harryhausen who was like a pioneer in the animation industry in the mid 20th century, doing jason and the argonauts and sinbad. it was really cool, especially because aside from the animation process and story of his life, we also got to see all of his sketches in designing his animations. it was really cool. even so, most of the time when i see careers i become tempted to strive towards that as MY career - same as when i watch doctor or army programs - and this happens particularly in art stuff but this one? idk just no. like it was cool as hell and impressive and i would love to work in the film industry (directing or producing or something) but just not that ??

i also saw my first comedy gig as a part of the fringe festival. i watch sort of a bit of comedy online so it was nice to actually go to something. we saw jason byrne - who we thought was ed byrne on booking it - and he was actually quite funny. we were nervous because it was my mum n me and we are both insanely like, introverted ?? so we were worried about the fact that the show’s name was ‘audience participation’. anyways, yeah it was good.

oh and ! we went to the movies and saw the new Cumberbaekjaskdfb one ‘the courier’ which was good and i’d like to see again (maybe w my dad because he’d wanted to see it). so yeah. i’d recommend.

finally, today we’d had an email from school that i have to buy the new uniform which is crazy because, and i cannot express this enough, it is atrociously vile and ugly. and expensive.

now, it’s saturday night and every saturday night at home, for as absolutely long as i can remember, we watch a movie while eating pizza and then ice cream.

tw dedding urself

lastly, today we were in town (me, my sister and friend) and we were supposed to be taking a train home but they were cancelled. when we finally got picked up by my mum she said a lady at the station had told her it was somebody jumping off of a bridge onto the tracks. i couldn’t really reply as my sister said ‘it’s so sad, like a life wasted’ or as the lady at the station said that her day wasnt as bad as that of the man who jumped. that had once been my plan and i couldnt help thinking of the people who could talk about me. my infamy in death and the people who would pity me and talk about how sad it was for me to have lost my life. i used to think about what people would say a lot, since about two years ago. and then earlier i was thinking again about afterlife and stuff but this is long so maybe i’ll go into it afterwards.

I ALWAYS LEAVE THESE SO SAD BUT NO, NOT THIS TIME!

my outfit today was nice - baggy tie dye jeans and a black faded hoodie w a beanie, my converse and some rings. i felt good/connfident walking through town so life was pretty strong then !!

yours,

Artemis

#blog #online diary

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brianyololau · 4 years

Text

May 5th, 2020

A dad. A father figure. Someone who is your guardian, mentor, friend, and loves you for who you are, I never had that kind of dad. Seeing it now, my dad showed no emotion. I never saw him laugh. I never saw him smile, not even around me. I don’t have any memories at the beach with him. There were no days where he would take me to the park right outside my house and play catch with me. I had the most emotionally unavailable father.

I remember he gave me a light up plastic sword/baton once which I assume he found in a client’s car. Other than that, I remember having to beg for each toy.

My favorite toy that my mom bought for me were two lightsabers: a red and green one. I saw it at Walmart one day and told her I wanted it. She secretly bought it for me for Christmas. Though, I eventually found out when I looked into the trunk of her SUV one time while she hid it from me. She said it was supposed to be a surprise, but I fucked it up by looking lol.

I bought my mom a gift for Mother’s Day too. It was a plastic ring from the book fair back in 2nd grade. Not sure if I stole it or not. I didn’t get any allowance so I probably did HAHA. She found it hiding in a crayon box one day and confronted me about it thinking I found a boo. I was like nooooo that was supposed to be a surprise for u foo

Back to my dad. He lectured me a lot. told me to be like this be like that. do this do that, but he never explained how. never asked how was school. never tried to be there while I was struggling. In fact, he didnt even wanna sign my fucking club application papers. Dude thought leadership was a joke and sports was unnecessary. Hypocrite. He used to spend hours in the evening swimming and sitting in the sauna while my mom had to take care of me WITH a baby in her stomach. That’s cap. I was told all he did was work, gym, eat, and sleep.

My dad worked from home. How tf did he not make ANY time for me? In fact, I saw my dad more than my mom on the weekdays...

Why didn’t he try to claim me after the divorce for months? Why was he never a real man to my mom? Did he not realize the importance of this?

And now, when I visit him, I see a swing, toys everywhere, and a hanging rope ladder installed in his garage. I never had that.

I remember sitting outside of Target every day after middle school waiting hours for him to pick me up. He never called to let me know when he was coming. He never called to ask about my week. It felt like he was doing the bare minimum. Yet, I still considered him as a father to me. Why did I idolize him in the first place? He taught me nothing, but he put me through schooling and took care of me. He cooked sandwiches for me, but that was it. Though I appreciate him fulfilling his duty in keeping me alive and educated, HE WASNT THERE FOR ANYTHING ELSE.

He didn’t show up to my graduation. So, what if you don’t fuck with my family? I’m your own son gdi and your excuse was work? He never wanted to hear about my extracurriculars. He never talked to me when I was in his custody. He never said I love you son. I knew my grandma more than I knew him. He never shortened his gym days when my mom was pregnant and had me. He never did the house work for her,cooked, planned vacations,taught me how to ride a bike, or took me outside the house. We live right next to a park for fuck’s sake. What’s the excuse for that? Dad didn’t have time cause he was working 24/7? That’s fucking BULLSHIT. He valued his gym time more than his father and son time. Thats a fact.

Now that I think about it, my mom tried to play the playstation with me once. It was a racing game. She couldn’t play for shit but at least she tried. She spent a whole day with me to go through an entire kindergarten workbook. I saw a loving mother in her. She did everything for me. And she still does. Typing this made me remember parts of my childhood where she was there for me. My mom stayed for me. My dad planned to leave. Maybe there were secrets kept from me by both sides, but I sure as hell know now who loved me more when the love grew thin.

The point of this entry was to see if I could recall and reflect on my childhood with my dad. I wanted to see if after this, I would choose to accept or reject him as a father figure in my life until now.

I choose to reject.

but, I will still care for and respect him like he did to me.

Who did I choose to look up to as people I could strive to grow for as a kid?

Cau Vu, Cau Long, Chu Khai, Chu Quy, Catherine, Ben, Aaron, David, Amma, Mo Anh, Chi No, Michael, Shirley, Tracie, Tammi, Apac, my dad, and my mom.

Who do I choose to grow for now?

My mom, Crystal, Chu Quy, Grandpa, Grandma, Cau Long, Eric, Andy, Dony, Isaiah, Catherine, Ben, Aaron, Amma, my birds lol, Cau Bao, my little brother, and most importantly, myself.

This whole process was a good way for me to find a form of self love. I went back into my past to reflect on how I was treated in order to see for myself who was truly there and opened their arms to me. The only person missing in this equation was my dad. That’s why I choose to reject him as a real man and a father figure during my childhood.

I realized that growing up, I barely had support in front of me, but I pushed believing that through hard work and achieving, I’d get to a good college after hs, choose a good career, and graduate with stellar experiences.

Boy, did that work out lol

However, I had massive support behind me. I have a mom who loves me unconditionally and will sacrifice anything for me, no matter how hard she has it. I have uncles who believe in me and made me smile as a kid. They still give me cash every year. I have Amma, who loves me unconditionally as well and still asks me if I’m hungry even today every single damn time I come over. What a G. I have a fucking badass grandpa who told me the day he sees my career take off is the day he will have lived long enough. He even collects every single plastic and glass recyclable to help earn some money and gives it all to me. I have a grandma who believes I have a good heart and the strength to succeed.

In fact, now that I think about it, when I changed my major and couldn’t bring myself to find purpose in life, my grandma was the only person who observed me each day for weeks and walked into my room one day and told me don’t be sad son, This isn’t like you. Don’t be sad. She might’ve been a one of the reasons why I decided to wake up one day and do something about it.

I have an uncle named Cau Long who will always gives me guidance when I ask for it. Sometimes when I don’t lol. I have another uncle named Cau Vu who still treats me like his own. I have cousins who remind me what it’s like to grow up as a kid and motivate me to be a good role model to them. I have Chu Quy, who accepts me like his own son. I have Crystal, nah gay as fuck. I have cousins from a different family who always find a way to keep in touch and bond together. I have friends who want the best for me and will support me no matter what. I have a little brother who looks over my back. And I have everything in me to know that nothing, not even a shortcoming or toxic energy from others will stop me from being my own fucking man.

“There is no nobility in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.” - Ernest Hemingway

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whenwillthearkreturnfromwar · 7 years

Note

do all of them

this took me so long

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

dio

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

more outgoing? but not at first

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

dio

4. Are you easy to get along with?

so i’ve been told

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

oh def lol

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

girls

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

“relationship” lol yes

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

my soulmate bryant… gonna be doing a tennis tournament in socal

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

if it’s guys talking yeah, otherwise nah

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

ummmmm probably you?

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

I lov u

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

love in color - taeyeon, i blame on you - taeyeon, bambi - jidenna, talking to the moon - kream, foldin clothes - j cole

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

if i like them yea!!!

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

luck idk… but miracles yea it’s a miracle that my girl likes me back lol

15. What good thing happened this summer?

:000 i don’t remember this past summer at ALL

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

UMMmmM OFC not to be cheesy but i literally wrote a song about slow kisses with her afsghfkj

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

yess

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

who even was my first crush? probs some girl at church so no

19. Do you like bubble baths?

I haven’t had a bubble bath in years but probably

20. Do you like your neighbors?

idk my neighbours…………. one of them is the ex-fire chief of oakland which is cool i guess

21. What are your bad habits?

procrastination, staying up late, singing 24/7, not finishing drinks and leaving cups without washing them

22. Where would you like to travel?

I was thinking about studying abroad for a summer in college… we’ll see

23. Do you have trust issues?

i don’t trust myself

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

talking to dio

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

my fingers are hella short so i cant play instruments as well as i’d like :(((

26. What do you do when you wake up?

go back to sleep

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

neither

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

dio

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

no..

30. Do you ever want to get married?

umm mayb? for the benefits i guess. if dio wants to

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

nooo i just cut it hecka short

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

none?

33. Spell your name with your chin.

pzagtgtik

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

taekwondo… fun fact i used to play basketball.. yea…. all 5 feet and ~1 inch of me

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

TV!!!! i dont watch tv anyway

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

i liked you lmao

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

…

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

about 5′6″… brown eyes… brown hair that has these hypnotizing curly strands that frame her face… has this strong leader aura that u can kinda tell so ppl rly admire her but she doesn’t even realize…. amazing at soccer, competitive… but SO SOFT…. amazing hilarious storyteller… so intelligent and aware and always striving to better herself!! BEAUTIFUL IN SO MANY WAYS i mean i am actually so lucky so maybe i do believe in luck.. anyway that’s my dream girl… name is dio and she’s mine

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

thrift town? i dont rly like shopping

40. What do you want to do after high school?

go to college… probably ucsb actually…. parentals want me to go to davis more tho

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

if u mess up a boba order yea; if ur sm ent making amber miserable no

42. If you’re being extremely quiet what does it mean?

im sleeping or being emo

43. Do you smile at strangers?

sometimes i return that flat-line grimace/smile that white ppl give poc in passing bc now that it’s been pointed out to me i can’t unsee it

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

bottom of the ocean is terrifying,, let’s do it

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

the fact that i get to see dio

46. What are you paranoid about?

nothing

47. Have you ever been high?

perchance

48. Have you ever been drunk?

mayhaps

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

i don’t think so

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

purple

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

nop

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

my ineptitude at public speaking

53. Favourite makeup brand?

idk makeup

54. Favourite store?

farmer joe’s lol

55. Favourite blog?

@peachylook

56. Favourite colour?

orange!

57. Favourite food?

korean

58. Last thing you ate?

boba

59. First thing you ate this morning?

oyako donburi

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

I won a poetry competition one time and also a musical chairs game

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

nop

62. Been arrested? For what?

nop

63. Ever been in love?

oh man i’m so in love it’s embarrassing

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

LMAO i’ll pass

65. Are you hungry right now?

nah

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

some

67. Facebook or Twitter?

uhh twitter produces good memes sometimes so i guess twitter

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

this trash site

69. Are you watching tv right now?

70. Names of your bestfriends?

dio, bryant, clara

71. Craving something? What?

cranberry juice

72. What colour are your towels?

pink/white

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

one

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

like 20

75. Favourite animal?

doggos/cats

76. What colour is your underwear?

red

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

mint chocolate chip

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

white/orange

80. What colour pants?

black

81. Favourite tv show?

fresh off the boat

82. Favourite movie?

currently moana

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

havent watched either

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

crush

87. First person you talked to today?

my dad?

88. Last person you talked to today?

dio

89. Name a person you hate?

*******

90. Name a person you love?

dio

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

tr*mp

92. In a fight with someone?

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

like 5

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

like 6

95. Last movie you watched?

the shack

96. Favourite actress?

lee sunbin the loml

97. Favourite actor?

???

98. Do you tan a lot?

i dont wear short clothes enough

99. Have any pets?

noooo :’((

100. How are you feeling?

sad bc my girl is sad

101. Do you type fast?

yea

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

oh man so many

103. Can you spell well?

w e l l

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

yea

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

i don’t …. maybe??? presumptuous of me to say

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

108. What should you be doing?

homework

109. Is something irritating you right now?

the fact that it had to rain this sunday of all days

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

@ dio

111. Do you have trust issues?

trusting my memory wasnt this already a question

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

dio

113. What was your childhood nickname?

…patti?

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

i was born out of it lmao

115. Do you play the Wii?

the first and only console i have ever owned

116. Are you listening to music right now?

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

yes

118. Do you like Chinese food?

yes

119. Favourite book?

whoa idk

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

only if i’m walking in it outside alone

121. Are you mean?

yes i’m p average

122. Is cheating ever okay?

communal cheating in high school hell yea #finesseTheSystem

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

not rly

125. Do you believe in true love?

i believe in soulmates

126. Are you currently bored?

127. What makes you happy?

dio, music, good food, games

128. Would you change your name?

yea

129. What your zodiac sign?

pisces

130. Do you like subway?

does BART count

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

i should hope he likes me… we’re soulmates. and we’re both gay as hell

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

?????

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

taeyeon’s i blame on you and love in color!!!!!!

134. Can you count to one million?

i cant count my blessings how am i supposed to count to a million

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

i liked boys LOL

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

closed

137. How tall are you?

5′1″

138. Curly or Straight hair?

curly

139. Brunette or Blonde?

brown/black hair

140. Summer or Winter?

summer

141. Night or Day?

night

142. Favourite month?

march idk

143. Are you a vegetarian?

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

dark

145. Tea or Coffee?

tea

146. Was today a good day?

it was a day

147. Mars or Snickers?

snickers

148. What’s your favourite quote?

“I’m cool as a motherfuck.” - my old man gov teacher

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

not rly

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“If colour was not a straightforward matter in these racial categories, neither was fixity and immutability.”

#answers #skaipio

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openmymindup-blog · 7 years

Text

Beautiful minds

I was outside on a cloudy day, I remember looking at these wooden carpentry pencils and old rusted pocket knives; they were all red, my grandfathers facorite color. He was a very beautiful man, he would tell us stories about how he could chew a penny open with his teeth, or that we could build air planes out of cardboard; and we tried. He inspired me and my older sister to dream, to think of things even if they seemed hard. He was my favorite out of my whole family. I found this bouncy ball after most of my family gathered at my house to morn his death. I felt hurt, but I didnt want all the hugs, I just wanted to be alone and feel my own feelings. I remember looking up at the sky and something really strong pulled at me, I'll never forget the way it felt because I still feel it to this day. It spoke to me with out words, with out physical apearance. It told me that spirits of people that die dont die with them, that there are other places they go, and suddenly I didnt feel hurt anymore, maybe his absense kind of hits me once in a while, but I always remember that he is out there, and as long as I know this I have no reason to morn. This is when things changed for me. Right after my grandfathers death I started having dreams, I guess I could also call them memories. I have always been able to remember my dreams often, and rarely have a night that I dont dream. I was watching my older sister blow out her birthday cake, we were outside on a cooler day. Her birthday cake was purple and green, I remember how short her hair was and the face she made looking up, but I was standing in mid length looking down at her. I asked my mother about this and she told me I was still in the womb. She was almost seven months pregnant with me. Growing up, even home schooled I had a sensere since of self, of knowing who I was, and the body I have inherited. I never complained about not having toys or getting what I wanted, I had a strong sense of responsibility and love towards others. Although my parents were both mentally and physically abusive I still saw them, not as my parents but as people who were lost, who didnt know what they were doing. A lack of self love was immediatly noticeable to me as a child. None the less I continued to soak up my surroundings and analyze all that I could, all with the same feeling I feel today, like this is all temporary and for some odd reason I was chosen to be here. My first organized facination with being human was the emotion we call love. I recognized all these boys in school as objects of effection, thats not to say I went around loving and falling inlove with everyone. I greatly appreciated people for their characters, I thought they were playful, fun and open minded as most youth seem to be. Each individual person had their own energy and even though I had no clue why I dated them just to see what they were about, not out of deep love or desire more out of curiousity, I kept doing it and the more I did the more I got to see the truth behind human nature. Though youth seem to still be organizing or changing their own charactors, they also seemed to be altered by atmospheric changes or ego. Often those who did not have a keen sense of self would follow crowds or copy what others did just to see where they fit in, or so they fit into a social norm. Which is natural for human nature but its not the defining act that makes us powerful in our own ways. In all the years I spent getting to know all these different characters, watching them grow, do bad things to each other and neglect human connection for human desire, I noticed the foundation beneath all of these activities was a reflection of how people felt about themselves. Boys desired girls strongly. Even seeking revenge for not getting what they wanted; I could assume male hormones at this age played a great part, how ever some of the acts were out of anger and built up negativity from family life, even a social life that was not spiritually promising nore progressive. No one was there to make them think about themselves, just a constant distraction of learning about the world but self last. This is where I learned alot about love and how others go about it. None of them seemed to love themselves this showed in alcohol abuse, self harm, fights, even using meth. I guess logically I have to point out that the atmopshere in which children and teens grow up does influence and play a huge rule in who they become and how they love, how ever most of their stories and actions in future adventures were based on a non-self love attitude which they got from their envirenment. I saw alot of parental abuse, big lashes of bruises and even blood from a fight, this made them feel unloved, unwanted, not good enough and in return it reflected on their desires, the people they hung out with and the drugs they took etc. I delt with alot of family conflict as a child, my father was extremely abusive, I went to school with bruises on my wrist, a black eye from my mother which resulted in divorce. I was what seemed like a problem for my family. I asked too many questions or on projects I wasnt allowed to do things on my own, so I started to do things with out asking becuase I knew if I sat around and waited my turn no one would let me have it. So instead of asking to get my training wheels taken off I took them off myself, instead of asking what cloths I could get I got them myself, instead of asking if I could stay out and party all night I did it and never felt bad for one minute of it. I knew safety, I knew that I was supposed to take care of my body and those around me. At 13 I started disapeaing from home and even spend months at a friends house, some of them I even reffered to as mom and dad because they played better roles than my father did, my mother disapeared from the picture at the age of twelve. I was the one driving my drunking friend from a party who stole her step parents care at 3am, taking care of her step brother and sister, I did everything I could to take care of those I loved and at my own expense, mean while still drinking and smoking pot. I went a few years with out contact of that force that pulled at me that one day, and I had a very human journey, but love still grew inside of me deeper than the ocean and I knew with my actions I would speak the loudest of them all because everything I did was to nurture myself or nurture others, nothing ever done out of revenge or hate towards others not even my abusive parents. The time and space I gave myself away from others was to heal, people got mad yes, but I knew what healed me and I knew what was good for me and what was not. The only reason I loved really broken people was because I knew their stories and I knew they needed a positive roll model, even broken and hurt as I was, I stayed for their sake, and in this I broke myself some more, but I knew it would happen, it was love that got me in and love that got me out. I was never able to verbalize the things I felt, the things I heard in silence. I could feel pain in someone while they were smiling. I could feel the desire to run away in feet that stuck around. I knew what they wanted, but no way to say it, no way to let it out. It wasnt until fall of 2013 that I discovered how to do it. I went to a barterfair with a friend of mine who was going to fry on mushrooms with me and basically baby sit me. I remember the rustic taste in my mouth, it reminded me of the dirt that was left on the leaves of the vegieables that I would eat straight out of my mothers garden as a child. A very earthy taste. Even through my nervousness, my bloody nose that followed, my heart told me it was right. I needed to do this for me. I ate a little bit and walked over to this group of people all talking, a weird sensation that I had peed my pants was strong, even asking if I had pissed my pants. I sat down and everything slowed down, I remember every one talking and I was watching their mouths move but the sound seemed to be mute. Something in the woods was calling me, alot like that pull I felt from the sky, just more stronger, more full of love. I sat up and I started walking, as I was on my way to a patch of woods I felt my knees get weak, a pain inside of my chest I needed to feel filled me to the very ends of my toes. I felt a love so strong for earth, for the grass and trees, I felt one with it. After making it to a safe secluded area of woods away from people I dropped to my knees and I pulled at the grass, crying my eyes out and I remember saying repeatively " I'm so sorry" over and over again. When I look back on it I know why I felt that way. Humans are parasites, very neglectful, self satisfying creatures who destroy earth for personal gain, this was what I was feeling. Apologetic to the needs of earth hit me like an astroid. I spent a good two hours in the woods talking to the trees and petting the grass in my own love for earth, for having compassion in what matters most. When I made my way out of the woods I whiped my eyes dry and walked around the fair, looking at rocks and different peices of jewelry that people were selling. I felt connected to all the people I spoke to, they were in their own energy, I could feel them thinking their own thoughts, and the ones walking around with broken hearts and sad optimism. I sat down with a friend I went to high school with and I started telling him about himself, about his striving character and how all people are like dirty dish clothes, they are all used up but thats what makes them so beautiful. I remember saying that to alot of people, and I felt so much love and compassion for them it has never been so clear in my life as to why I am here, I was a mirror and when people can see themselves not through judgement but through truth they can change out of self love. I wanted to be that mirror. I think empathy and judgement can be mistaken for one another. While some people are out there telling people they are broken in some sort of method to destroy someones spirit or make them feel worthless, there are those of us who can see a broken heart and instead of telling them with hidden agendas we tell them out of love, and once someone knows that they can be seen, they feel naked, they feel that someone understands. Depending on how open the person is, they can either take it as judgement or an option to open up and make changes. I have often been told that by observing the human race I am also making judgements, but let me ask you when you hear me speak, who am I speaking for? If I make a broken mass about my own desires, that I dislike it, that I hate people for being the way they are, that is judgement. You will always hear me say that I hope really good things for those who have wronged me for I am the one who suffers when I harnis negative energy against them. I can look at a man and say "he is wearing a pink shirt" -that is an obervation, a judgement often times sounds like this "wow, he is wearing a pink shirt, he doesnt look good in it because pink is an ugly color" not only is it not my part to say what he looks good in, but I would be harnising a resentful energy against someone I dont even know, and for what? Humans are conditioned to self serve, which can be out of ego or out of love. When we truly love ourselves and forgive those who have hurt us we not only nurture our spirits but we nurture others as well. The drive to nurture others is based on our desire to take care of ourselves and the knowledge we obtain during the journey of self love is so intense and uplifting that to hold it in would be wasteful if we didnt show others how we got to where we are. You will know you have reached your most loved self when it becomes harder to hold in all that information that got you into that self love state.

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11toe11-blog · 4 years

Text

Golden eggs and things like that

Aum.

I enter gently to understand and illuminate. Guide me past temptations of power and greed into insight and wisdom.

___

The right shoulder feels heavy. So does the heart. The throat clenches a bit. The back of the neck is tight. I notice the breath and it deepens. Some previous walls seem less perceivable.

It feels like a time when some portals are active and lifetimes of memories are colliding for resolution.

Its impossible. No . it is only possible for us to continue on this if we are connected to our simplest, most essential..essence… Because thats what connects us. The narratives that run through us place us far far apart as the other.

L. Is that what triggered this? Or is something else?

It was my sisters birthday the day before. And the possibility of R having fallen sick and my not being able to tell anyone or ask for any support. And the whole family had gotten together, i felt no shared joy.

This combination of isolations are triggering memories. And in anticipating pain, i am acting out. Inviting it in. I can see that.

There are many things unresolved in my relationship with my sister. It is obvious. Cant deny it. Envy. Guilt. All of that. Unsure of how to relate. Disagreement. Power struggles.

Pain surfaces. No way out other than through it.

Memories of being bullied, of being the weird one, the feeling of being rejected after the birth of my sister. Maybe i harbored that somewhere, which is why i ended up treating her the way i did, even though i loved and continue to love her immensely.

Because i dont think i was competitive at all, not striving to be first in class or anything, till my sister was born. In my lower KG i was naturally bright. Shifting schools 1st and 2nd, i dont particularly remember much. I wasnt compared to anyone by mom. Dad was the comparer. Maybe he was compared.

I suppose 1st 2nd is when i began to experience social pressure. And with G, is probably when it got competitive. A fight for attention, is a fight for affection, which got worse, as the family’s financial and mental health plummeted. Physical abuse, sexual abuse..i notice that in this narrative I have used the word abuse..i am usually looking at it as an early sexual encounter. But which ever is the voice that is writing today feels like it was impacted by the incidents.. Everything coincided with the birth of my sister, now when i think back.

Shame and guilt hangs heavily on my shoulders. Like a cloak. I can feel it brushing against my arms.

It feels like there is nothing i can do but notice it. Very helpless. I dont want to be helpless. I straighten up and remind myself that - i dont have to make it go away. I have to notice it. When i want it to go away is when i become helpless. If my role is to observe it - i am doing it quite well, quite perfectly. *

I am reminded of K speaking about shame. I empathize in this moment.

When we feel we that we are not supposed to be feeling it, that i should have let it gone - its another round of failure to deal with. “ oh! I cant even let it go.” Another disappointment - like i had one job and i couldnt even do that.

But what if my job was not to let it go. And be all empowered?

What if my job was only to observe - understand this shame. Feel it, give it space and observe it? Not to change it. Polish it. Dress it up to look smart and suave. Cook it. Make it tasty. None of that. Just notice it, for as long as it is there.

Well that sounds like something ican do. Simply. Not easily maybe, but simply.

Not simply, maybe. But easily.

Much less scope for disappointment. And something i feel i ccan do, and i am doing quite decently.

Sudden spike in self worth

The sky is bright blue today.

I had noticed yesterday in the body scans, that when they ask me to feel line of the spine, and i cant or its dull in space. I force myself to imagine a line. Than notice what is already there. I force the imagination, somewhat guilty...not somewhat - just plain guilty that i am not feeling what i am supposed to be be feeling. That i should be doing work, i am being lazy thats why i am not perceiving it, all of that. Which may have part truths. But are Catch 22s. I cant notice the line ever unless i start with noticing what is already there. I cant notice what is already there because i feel i cant perceive the line i am supposed to be seeing. Supposed to! As opposed to what is. Can i notice what is already in my frame of vision as opposed to all that i al supposed to include. Please! Kindly!

Can i notice what is already in my frame of vision and deeply enough, that at somepoint, on its own, the rest of it will emerge.

I guess this is my biggest point of contention with L’s tone and kind of politics that is her work. Very “supposed to”. And hence all the more divisive. Not something one wants, particularly now. The invitation to deepen and acknowledge ones seeing, is welcome. To berate for what one doesn't see, is very 3rd grade damaging elementary school teacher in repeat.

Hence probably my general feeling towards her work. And somewhere definitely understanding that she is in her own process and will continue to grow and evolve and all that. But the screeches are not what i need right now.

Maybe they are.

And thats why they have shown up in my orbit. To engage with. I dont have to change the way i feel. So much pressure. Just knowing and noticing that this is how i feel is good enough.

To articulate it out aloud is the next step. Thats turning actor from observer. More like being actor and observer simultaneous. Thats the leap. Will happen when it has to.

No pressure to turn saint. No pressure to change a feeling. No pressure to change. Nothing. Just noticing what ever is , is the work. Where is then room for disappointment and low self worth?

A scene played exceptionally well. And a disaster of a scene are both well withing the frames of observation. And both make great viewing material for insight.

I know this. I have known this vantage.

“All the world is a stage”!

Yup.

Envy is my nemesis at this point. And every other thing is fuelling it one way or the other.

Watching Ka give a spellbinder was beautiful, at the same time pointed to personal inadequacies. G at home with Is for birthday underlined all the support she had and i dint. R inviting LP for a session meant he didn't see things the way i did and i had no ally, isolation. The idea of a session with LP translated to the whole giant suitcase of sibling rivalry being projected along side the bundle of political difference, and huge ego dents because i see my position to be far more nuanced, experienced and evolved compared to hers. Because we met once and she never connected back since - strong feeling of rejection- and a reinforcement of sibling rivalry. Trust R to throw a deep one.

All this is just from my vantage.

Who knows how things are looking from hers. Or R’s. Or G’s. Or V’s.

I like the guy. For the brief moments that we have had an exchange i feel he understands. Like R says, living with the person might be an entirely different ball game. And it is true, the complexity of these things. But the few moments of understanding is all one needs. Just the golden egg. No need to cut open the Goose.

That seems to be where R and I are. We cant seem to understand where the Golden eggs have disappeared. And we are cutting open each other to find out where they are hiding. We were after all promised a steady supply of Golden eggs. Unlike the fabled farmer, we didnt cut open the goose. We just bet on it, hedged it. Like many large scale farmers engage with the money economy today. Sell the produce even before sowing. Heding. Put a chip in, and try and turn every goose there is into a Golden egg laying Goose.

Can we stop cutting and slicing things open, please. Can we just watch the clouds?

Sounds like something a Goose would write.

Who is there to forgive me? Relsolve this? For the mean thoughts, the harsh words, the attempts to manipulate. I forgive myself?

Ho oponopono says i can. And i must.

I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.

Thank you fro letting me enter. ANd for the insights. I close the door gently behing me to come back another day.

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