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dazed--xx · 5 months

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💔You Broke Me First💔

Summary: Now suddenly you're asking for it back Could you tell me, where'd you get the nerve? Yeah, you could say you miss all that we had. But I don't really care how bad it hurts…..When you broke me first

Member: Hyunjin x Reader

T/W: Mentions of Cheating, Break Ups, arguments, drinking, manipulation, crying, heartbreak, ANGST…, swearing, mentions of being drunk, yelling, sad ending

Word Count: 2.7K

Maybe you don't like talking too much about yourself But you should've told me that you were thinkin' 'bout someone else…

“I know…”

You state stoically, your eyes stuck on the quaint maple table that sat between you and your boyfriend. You brushed your tongue over your bottom lip biting back tears “I know about her..” Your voice is just above a whisper. “Y-Y/N…” His tone is full of pity and guilt, you scoff to yourself shaking your head in disbelief.

“Why?… What did I do so wrong?”

“Nothing…”

“Then how could you?”

“I-I don't know…”

You stare blankly, not able to find the words to express how you feel right now. Your head grew heavier and heavier the longer the silence continued. You could feel Hyunjin’s gaze burning holes into your face. “I do care about you, Y/N…please don't think that I don't.” He sighs, his fingers fidgeting with each other as he bit the inside of his cheek. “She just made me feel…different. I’m sorry…” Another scoff is released from your chest, rolling your eyes at his apology. “I mean you could have told me you didn't love me anymore…” You mutter, trying your hardest to seem strong in this moment. “That someone else was catching your eye…instead of stringing me along for a while just to throw me away,” you growl as anger bubbles in your gut. “Y-Y/N—That’s not tr—It's fine, Hyunjin” you cut off his stammering.

Finally meeting his eyes, you could see the exhaustion and hint of something you couldn't quite place. You take in his image. Allowing yourself for a moment to memorize every single inch of his face, your heart ached the more time passed. You should have known this was coming eventually. He was always just out of reach when it came to you. Hwang Hyunjin was an enigma when you first got together, your relationship was passionate and lustful. Spending every moment you could in each other's arms or beside each other; as the honeymoon phase left your relationship so did Hyunjin. Whilst, He physically stayed beside you; emotionally you could tell he checked out. He was no longer interested in what you were doing, or if you were safe. Your sex life quickly became nonexistent and soon so did you. He was never the most open with how he felt, but you stayed. As the months passed you continued to reach out and try to attempt to get closer to your boyfriend once again, only to be met with unanswered calls and missed dates. You couldn't understand why, that is—until two weeks ago.

You couldn't understand why it had taken you accidentally stumbling upon the two, inside this very cafe, on a date. You had been walking home from your part-time job and in your tiredness you stopped outside of the quaint little coffee shop and contemplated going in. Until you saw that familiar mop of midnight locks. You had seen the way he stared at her longingly. Hyunjin broke your trust and after you avoided him for two whole weeks he was now here to break your heart.

You saw the way he stared at his lap, struggling to find the words he wished to say. You should have known that when he suddenly started paying attention to you again, it was the guilt that ate at him. You know because he felt he'd wronged you he wouldn't just leave you alone, so you decided to do what he couldn't. He released a heavy sigh placing his hands around his cup on the table “Y/N—It's okay, you don't have to say it…” you cut him off once again, giving him a sad shrug. “N-no I do…I-I—Hyunjin!” you stare at him as you reach across the table to take his large hand in yours.

“I don't resent you. Thank you for the memories you've given me…” a small glint of something appeared in his eye, and it looked almost as if his face was about to light up. You give him a mournful smile “But let's stop” you state, your voice cracking at the end. He stared at you in bewilderment as his mouth hung open. “Y/N..” He gasped almost inaudibly the rest of his words not coming to him. You nod in response “I'll leave first…I hope things work out with her and she makes you happy” Your tone is laced with dejection and sadness. You stare at where you had connected your hands, even now as you hold his hand tightly; he sat with his sitting loosely on the table. With a final nod, you pull your hand away and lift yourself from your seat. Hyunjin stared at where your hand once was, flabbergasted. Disbelief decorated his face as you made your way out of the cafe.

You found your resolve breaking as soon as you turned the corner. Your legs finally give way as a sob rips through your chest. You release all the pain, anger, and sadness you held back. You felt broken, forgotten, and useless. You cried and cried feeling deep in your soul, that while Hyunjin will be completely fine you sat here broken.

Your phone's been off for a couple months, so you're calling me now I know you, you're like this. When shit don't go your way you needed me to fix it, And like me, I did But I ran out of every reason….

“Y/N He's drunk!” Felix pleaded as he grunted from the other line. “That's not my problem anymore, Lix” you grumble as you chew on your bottom lip. You hear him whisper something to whom you can assume, is Hyunjin. A heavy sigh is heard through the line “He won't listen to any of us right now!” Felix argues as you hear a shuffle “…You came any other time…He needs your help right now. He's hurting” Felix confesses, his tone is pleading and almost enough to convince you. Almost…and while Felix was correct you had run to help Hyunjin, a lot in these past two months since you had broken up. You no longer wished to do it “I'm sorry Lix, truly I am. But it was no longer my responsibility to take care of Hyunjin and I made the mistake of continuing to help after we ended things. But I don't owe him shit if he needs help then you should probably call his girlfriend.” you state matter of factly.

“Y/N He doesn't—” you cut the call off not wanting to hear any more of what Felix had to say; you toss your phone to the side onto your couch. As Guilty as you felt for not going to help Hyunjin; it was no longer your place to. It had taken these few months to stop running to help the person who had betrayed you. Every time you received a call from either Hyunjin himself or a mutual friend, you always found yourself dropping everything and rushing to assist him. When you finally had enough, you received a text from Hyunjin stating his car broke down and he asked for your help bringing him to the store and then his friend's house, only when you got to the house a familiar face popped out of the door. You scoffed to yourself as you saw the girl he had cheated on you with give him a bright smile as she waved at him. Quickly peeling away from the house, you laughed at your stupidity as well as his audacity. Ever since that moment every call from Hyunjin has gone unanswered and when requests from your mutual friends came in to help Hyunjin with something, they were rejected. You'd finally run out of reasons to continuously correct his mistakes and come running to his rescue.

You were no longer together so you no longer needed to be at his beck and call.

Now suddenly you're asking for it back. Could you tell me, where'd you get the nerve? Yeah, you could say you miss all that we had But I don't really care how bad it hurts When you broke me first…

A loud panicked knock against your door pulls you out of your sleep. Quickly checking the time on your phone 3:32 AM. Your eyes widen as another round of raps begins on your door once again. Pulling yourself out of bed ready to tear the head off of whoever has the nerve, the AUDACITY to wake you up at such an ungodly hour. You state out the peephole only to be met with the view of the street, you crack your door slightly. You're met with Hyunjin drunkenly leaning against your door. His arm supported his head against it. His free hand shakes nervously as he attempts to bang on your door again, that's when you hear it.

The most heartbreaking sob tears through his chest. He whimpers inaudible words to himself as he opens and closes his fist before allowing it to fall limp at his side. “Hyunjin?” you question visibly confused. His head whips up “Y/N!” He slurs almost excitedly, and the smell of liquor quickly fills your nose, “You opened the door…” his voice cracking behind his drunk smile.

“Do you know what time it is? You smell like a distillery” you growl at him as he tries to shove his way inside. You roll your eyes pulling the door open fully making him stumble forward. “Why are you here, Hyunjin?” you don't mean to be so hostile but you were very clear with Felix earlier. His hands encase your face, his eyes meeting yours as tears continue to cascade down his cheeks. His eyes are bloodshot, and his lips look swollen and raw, probably from biting them as you notice him repeatedly doing it. His hair was a tousled mess.

“Y/N…” He lets out a sigh of relief, placing his forehead against yours something he always did when you guys were together and happy. Your hands tug on his wrists at the familiar action. “You didn't come...why don't you come for me anymore?” He whines as he squeezes his eyes shut trying to steady his breathing. “I shouldn't come for you. There's no reason for me to…” you respond stoically.

“You just disappeared on me…” his words becoming more incomprehensible as he cried “Why did you abandon me?”

“Hyunjin! We aren't together anymore. You can't just expect me to pick you up or help you out anymore!”

“How else would I see you then?!?”

“You shouldn't be seeing me! We shouldn't hang around each other, it's too painful for me. I understand our relationship didn't mean much to you but it meant a lot to me…” you state sadly, Hyunjin’s pitiful expression now replaced with a puzzled scowl. “Who told you that?” disgust filled his tone. “You're kidding me right?” you counter. Hyunjin bites his bottom lip once again before clenching his jaw “No, who lied to you like that?” you stare at him wide-eyed “You did! With your actions or lack thereof. You cheated on me and ignored me for months” You snap. He can't be serious… you think to yourself.

“B-But I was trying to fix it!” He cried, seeming almost sober at this point. “You-you weren't supposed to find out!”

“So what?” you snarl “You would have continued to just string me along? String us both along?!” He shakes his head rapidly “N-No! I-'m sorry I should have explained better that day…” His tone is laced with regret and panic. “I-I ended things with her…Y/N—I wanted to fix things. I never wanted you to know...” He confessed behind shaky nervous breaths, he finally released you as he steadied himself. Slowly, taking a seat on your couch he quickly buried his face in his hands; his elbows resting on his knees as he took a deep breath “I didn't—I didn't want this to happen...I missed you so much I just—I wanted everything back to the way it was. You loved me so much and when I realized what a huge mistake I was making I ended it. I swear I ended it before we ended things…the last two weeks, when I couldn't see you I was only trying to see you. I only wanted you, I didn't want to lose you. W-When you told me you knew about her…it felt like my entire world was collapsing around me.” He rubs his face and tries uselessly to wipe away his tears. “I just wanted to explain. And when I processed what was going on—what you said…you were gone..” his soft cries turn back into full-on sobs.

“I was trying to fight for us those nights I begged you to come and see me, to talk to me only for me to be ignored while you went and made damn sure you had time to see her. And to make things worse, you used my feelings for you to manipulate me into driving you to her house?! You made me look like a fucking idiot! I'm wondering where the hell do you get the nerve to sit here and act like this?” you snap. He winced at your words “T-that wasn't her house! I-I don't know why she was there that's Seungmin’s new place I swear!” Every second you spent glaring at him felt like another stab to the heart. He knows he made so many mistakes, but he felt like he was dying with you looking at him. He wished he could go back and tell himself how it feels right now. How it felt to watch your hand leave him but deny that it was happening at that very moment. He'd tell himself how embarrassingly hard he had cried when he noticed she was no longer in her seat in front of him. How he'd run out of the cafe not knowing which direction you had gone in but how desperately he felt he'd needed to find you…how dejected and nauseous he felt when he couldn't. How he'd cried himself to sleep every night since you had left his life.

Your blood boiled as you saw him sitting there staring at you apologetically. “Y/N…Please” he swallows his tears “please just give me a chance to fix this…” he pleads. “What did you think would happen?” you question your voice laced with venom as you glare daggers at him. He can't meet your eyes only able to stare at the ground near your feet. He hung his head low “Not this…Not me being without you. Not being this hurt over the mistakes I made. I love you…when you ended things before I could have a chance to fix them, it broke me” He confesses staring up at you. You can't help the genuinely demeaning laugh that rips through your stomach. “Of-fucking-course it did. God, you really are something huh? You have some nerve to come in here to ask me for another chance. You want to know something?” you challenge raising your eyebrow as you cross your arms over your chest allowing all the anger pain and hurt to spill into your tone “I don't care…” you shrug before you throw your hands in the air as Hyunjin stared at you in horror.

“Y-You don't mean that…” He stammers in denial more to himself than to you “Yes, I do Hyunjin. I don't care that you're hurting. I don't care that you're finally opening your eyes. I don't really care how bad it hurts” You confess shaking your head “Not When you broke me first now see yourself out and move on…”

He stared at you for a moment, not wanting to give up on you, on the love he still has for you, but he could see it. You truly meant your words, you wanted nothing to do with him. He sighs heavily as he wipes his hands on his jeans before he lifts himself from the couch and makes his way toward the door; stopping in front of you he yearns to hold you one last time but the way you won't meet his gaze makes him sigh. He continues on his way pulling your door open he stares back at you only able to hear the pain in the words that are now circling around in his mind.

“You broke me first…”

⏪| ⏸️| ⏩

taglist: @yangbbokari @slayhyunjin

#stray kids angst fic #stray kids angst #hwang hyunjin angst #hyunjin angst #skz hyunjin angst #skz hyunjin break up #hyunjin break up #hwang hyujin imagines #hwang hyunjin cheater au #hyunjin sad fic #stray kids angst reaction #skz angst reaction #skz angst #skz break up au #hyunjin no happy ending

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maximumkillshot · 6 months

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I Can't Lose You-Part 8

Warnings: Depressed Seungmin, Nightmares, Descriptions of Grief, Mentions of a Suicide Flag being raised, Sadness, If I missed any lemme know.

Pairing: BangChan x Reader

Characters: Stray Kids, Nurse, Reader, Dr.Yun

A/N: Hello Everyone we are back on the main storyline! Have fun I guess? Still sorry... so so so sososososoooso sorry.

I Can't Lose you Masterlist-CLICK HERE

Stray Kids Masterlist-CLICK HERE

ALL WORK IS UNDER ME AND MY BLOG. DO NOT TRY TO REPUBLISH OR STEAL MY WORK, AS THAT IS COPYRIGHTED UNDER ME AND IS CONSIDERED COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT WHICH IS A PUNISHABLE OFFENSE.

ANY WORK THAT YOU SEE ON OTHER SITES THAT ARE MY WORKS PLEASE NOTIFY ME IMMEDIATELY.

Once it was clear that you were out for the count, everyone started falling asleep one by one. No one was willing to leave just yet. They wanted to make sure you knew that no one was leaving you. Eventually, it was just Seungmin and Bin who were awake. Seungmin noticed that Bin’s eyes started drooping, “Go to sleep, Hyung. I’ll stay up in case she wakes up.” He petted your hair back, making sure you were comfortable.

“If she needs me.” Bin looked down at you, worried…

“You will be the first person I wake up, okay?” Seungmin made a face, it was gentle yet insistent. He was going to get Bin to sleep whether he wanted to or not. It wasn’t up for discussion. Elder or not, Seungmin knows that he has been through hell, and even now Bin is fixed on you. He can see it. Bin is doing his best to piece together the shards left over.

Bin looked up at Seungmin and said, “Thank you. I know it’s not easy, knew you were close with her, thank you for staying strong.” Bin wanted to say a hundred more things. He’s observant, Bin saw the way he looked at you. He also saw the tearstains on Seungmin’s face. The pain was written in his features as he looked at you. He noticed when Seungmin went to touch you for the first time after the episode, to lean forward and kiss your forehead, it was less of reassurance and more of a mutual pain. He couldn’t pinpoint the feeling at the time. All he knew was there was a lot that he didn’t know.

Seungmin just said, “We are all close to her. Not nearly as close as you. You need rest, Hyung. Don’t worry, I got it.” Seungmin was the only one awake for a few hours as everyone slept. He was looking at his mail order account, deleting all of the future purchases that would’ve been made as a surprise for the baby. He had everything in either pink, blue, or yellow.

He stopped for a minute at the toy elephant that you gushed over one time at a mall, you loved the texture and you couldn’t get over the cute floppy ears on it. It was the first thing he saved on his list. He moved on to the educational toys that you had to have, the toy rings, and the play mats.

The one that really got him was the blankets with the month countdown to one year. He could see it in his head, you excitedly laying the baby down on it and taking a picture for social media, you circling the month during the editing of the photo.

While Minho is great at visualization, Seungmin is great at audiation, he can imagine sounds without them being present in the environment. Seungmin could hear you chirping at him, “Look at him, Minnie! Look at your cute little nephew Chanseung! I can't believe the time is flying by so fast! Who is that? That’s Uncle Minnie!” He smiled at the sound that he’d never hear. He stared at that blanket for a while, before forcing himself to delete it.

He could feel the tears running down his face, seeing the empty list. He looked up to you, and he whispered to himself, “I want to take the pain away. The hurt, I don’t know how, Birdie.” He pulled the blanket up a little higher up your back, making sure you were covered, and sheltered.

He started filling it back up, searching “how to help someone cope with miscarriage..” He hit search and books started popping up. He read some reviews and settled on three, “What Could Have Been: Helping Her Through Misscarriage”, “Grief and Loss: Learning How to Cope with Misscarriage”, and “Up Above: Journal For Mom To A Baby In Heaven”.

Then he searched, “Coping With Miscarriage As A Family.” Once again he read the reviews, settling on, “Staying Strong: Coping as A Family”, “It Takes A Village: Grief And Family”, and finally, “Stronger Together: Surviving Miscarriage as a Family”.

He also looked up, “Memento for Miscarriage.” And a unisex bracelet popped up, it had a little charm on it of a sun. He decided to get 7 of them. The one he got for you was different. It was a 14k gold bracelet with a charm of a pair of baby feet. There was a plate on the bracelet that could be engraved with anything, so he took a picture of the wavelength of the baby’s heartbeat from the ultrasound and uploaded it. He didn’t want to acknowledge Chan in this but also, the baby was his. He found a stainless steel bracelet with a thicker band, something that he’d wear. He did the same with his bracelet as well, uploading the heartbeat.

Seungmin couldn’t get what you screamed at Chan out of his head. The baby was right there, in your belly. He couldn’t help the fact that he knew what you were talking about. Seungmin was there for it all so for Chris to say, “It was mine too,” was a slap in the face. He wasn’t there. That was when Seungmin realized something. Chan started fucking Soo two months ago… You found out you were pregnant two months ago. The entire time you knew you were pregnant, planning for him, still cooking for him, doing everything in your power to surprise him, and carrying his child on top of that. Meanwhile, he was busy fucking his side piece. He was so busy in fact that he didn’t even realize that you wore baggier clothes, slept more, and avoided some of your favorite foods like the plague. At this point, Chan was more sperm donor than father, but Seungmin still felt that the baby was here, in a way, he felt like he needed to remind everyone because they weren’t able to know the baby the way that he did.

Seungmin was in a depression, he could feel it starting, not because of you. He was so depressed because Minho was right. Seungmin looked up to Chan. He never had an older brother, and Chan was that for him. Annoying him any chance he got, giving him advice, and being a role model through and through. He didn’t know what was happening to you in your marriage at all until Felix and Minho kept disappearing every weekend to spend time with you. He told himself that you knew what you were getting into. It was only when he got closer and started spending so much time with you that he learned that Chan promised you so many things, and didn’t hold up on his end. He promised to be home a a decent time, some nights he didn’t even show up at home. He promised he’d take Sundays off when he isn’t touring, he never did take them off at all.

As he thought about this, he heard the door open. He could see multiple pairs of feet in the shadows on the ground. A small woman walked in with a clipboard and a doctor’s coat along with the nurse. The nurse already knew most of what was going on, the overnight doctor briefing her on the delicate nature of the situation.

The nurse came closer to Seungmin as she whispered, “Is she still resting well?”

Seungmin nodded. He looked over to the bed seeing Bin’s hand buried in your hair, his lips close enough to kiss your head, his other hand over yours on his chest. Seungmin smiled at that, reminding himself he’d need to get a picture of this.

The nurse said, “Is there any way we can speak to you in the hall?”

Again, Seungmin nodded. He whispered, “Let me wake someone, I don’t want her to panic if she wakes up and I’m missing.”

The nurse nodded with a smile as Seungmin tried to make a decision on who he’d wake. He decided on Hyunjin, as out of everyone, he was able to sleep a little in the car. Seungmin walked through the minefield of members over to Hyunjin, who had Lix using his leg as a pillow. “Hyunjin wake up, the nurse wants to speak to me outside, if Hannie wakes up he can meet us in the hall, otherwise let him sleep.” Hyunjin nodded as he wiped his eyes. When Seungmin stepped out into the hall the nurse introduced the petite woman as Dr.Yun, she was the attending psychiatrist in charge of your case.

Seungmin’s eyebrows dipped, “Psychiatrist?”

The doctor looked and said, “Yes I think it’s better if we talk in the consult room, more private that way.” Seungmin nodded, shooting Hyunjin a text about where he’ll be at.

As soon as the door closed, the doctor started, “Do you know why I am here?”

Seungmin nodded. He knew why. He didn’t want to say it out loud though. “I know why you’re here. I just thought they’d do this sort of thing outpatient.”

The doctor sat down with him, “Usually that is the case, but Y/N raised a suicide risk flag by her expressing her want to die.”

He nodded, in his head he was thinking, if you only knew what she had gone through, you’d understand why she said that. Instead, he went with, “What would you like to know? I want to help.” If Seungmin was being honest, he rarely ever met a situation that he didn’t prepare for. Except for last night. He didn’t know what to do and if he didn’t know, he wasn’t comfortable with you going in there. So when he saw you get up he wanted to scream to you that you didn’t need to do this. Another thing that he knew was… you did. You have never seen a problem and not faced it right then and there. You have always been the type of person to tackle it. So him asking you not to do that, would have been out of the question.

Just thinking about it gave him chills, where everyone would run away… you ran towards. Even if your brain had every cell of your body screaming to run away… you always ran towards. That was one of the things that he admired most about you. You’re brave. So when he saw you, the fear in your eyes, it rocked him. You were staring into his soul saying that you, the fearless one, were scared. But you weren’t scared of anything… other than losing him. Of waking up, and never seeing him again. The fear was deafening in your voice. Barely above a whisper, tears spilling onto Bin’s chest.

She started off with, “How was she before this?”

Seungmin’s face fell as he recalled all of the moments he shared with you before last night, “Happy. Excited. Hopeful. The opposite of who you know.” Seungmin looked at the nurse. The nurse’s face dropped a little. Anyone who looked at Seungmin could tell he was in shambles, if they looked at any of the boys, they could tell that. That’s why no one was forcing those 7 boys away from you. It was clear you needed them and even clearer that they needed you.

The doctor continued, “The notes in her chart say that she miscarried due to a trauma, do you know the specifics?”

“Yes, I do.” He said. The doctor waited for him to continue, “She walked in on her husband cheating on her with her best friend on their third anniversary.”

Seungmin couldn’t help but think that Bin would’ve never let you go a night alone let alone your third anniversary. “All of the people in that room were there. The man on the bed, Bin, told us all to meet at the house, that her husband, his ex-best friend, never showed up to the anniversary dinner. He didn’t have a good feeling about it. We all walked in on it. She just sat on the couch, staring at a photo of them on their wedding day, while she heard him saying the most disgusting things, how her friend was so much better than her, how good she made him feel, how he couldn’t wait to leave her. It broke her. Broke all of us.” Seungmin was staring at his hands by the end of it, imagining if he had a wife, that he could never do that.

“I see. Did anyone know about the baby?” She asked as if reading Seungmin’s mind.

“I did.” He started breaking, hearing the heartbeat again. Your teary reaction playing on repeat in his head. You were so nervous, excited, and curious. All of the things that raced through your mind could be read all over your face that day. The minute you saw that little bean, that baby, tears sprang to your eyes, once you heard that heartbeat, you were already more in love than you could ever describe. It made Seungmin cry. A life was right there, and he was hearing it. He couldn’t wait to tell your child this story. “I figured it out before she did.”

“Do you think that she needs help coping? We have plenty of resources and we’d be more than happy to-”

“Yes. She’s going to need all of the help she can get. She went from being pregnant and being in a happy marriage, to losing her baby, her husband, and her best friend in less than 24 hours.” Seungmin answered honestly. Your entire life was ripped apart. All because of two people who didn’t deserve your time and energy. To think that those people he would’ve trusted with children of his own. Instead, they showed their true colors at the worst possible time. The question almost annoyed Seungmin. Was the doctor not listening to what he just said? He thought in his head, my friend… The only other person who knew about this baby 48 hours ago… Just lost everything and this doctor’s question is ‘Will she need help’? NO FUCKING SHIT SHE NEEDS HELP… we all need help. None of us know how the fuck to help her. We are all destroyed, I am in turmoil, she will never be the same… HOW DO YOU EVEN HAVE A DEGREE LET ALONE A DOCTORATE?! Minnie knew it was misplaced anger. He took a cleansing breath as he looked up at the doctor.

“Will it need to be inpatient?” She asked.

“If she has us, no. If you leave her to her own devices, she won’t make it. He was all she had, well thought she had. We were all friends with her husband first. She’s terrified that we’ll leave her. We will never leave her.” Seungmin added.

“Is there anywhere she can go? Going back to her home with her husband can make everything worse.” The doctor stated.

Seungmin nodded and said, “We’ll figure all of that out, don’t worry about that. How do we help her?” the tears started rolling, “I as well as everyone else in that room feels so helpless, she is the sweetest person we know. We need to help her, how?” His tears right now are from frustration.

The doctor looked at Seungmin, “Communication is key. She may not want to communicate right away, that’s normal. She also needs to take the medicine we prescribe, she may not want to take it as well. It’s tricky because many women who miscarry have guilt. They feel like they failed, like they don’t deserve to be alive. You need to constantly remind her that what happened wasn’t her fault. Her body went through severe trauma. Remind her that she is worthy of breathing, smiling, laughing, enjoying life.”

Seungmin looked at the doctor, “Okay. Would you need to talk to her?” Seungmin asked, “So far whenever she tries to go back, she has to be sedated, her heart can’t take it.”

The doctor thought for a minute and said, “I’m still going to have to talk to her before discharge,”

“Is there any way you could let her sleep for a while? She's so exhausted.”

The doctor nodded and said, “I’ll be back tomorrow so she'll have more time to regulate. Thank you for taking the time to talk, I know that it can be hard to talk about things like this but what you told me gave me some valuable insight into what happened.”

Seungmin walked back to the room as he tried to think of a way to keep you close and at the same time, give you the space you needed to heal.

When he sat back down with Hyunjin he texted him.

“Hyunjin, the psychiatrist just came in. I told her what happened.”

Hyunjin looked at his phone and read it. Seconds later he started typing, “My guess is that they heard Y/N that she wanted to die.”

Seungmin immediately replied, “Yeah. They said that after they talk to her it’s recommended that she doesn’t go back to the house. That it’ll make everything worse. I’m trying to figure out how to do this. I don’t want Chan anywhere near her.”

Hyunjin’s face turned hard, “At this point, I don’t want to be there, either. He’s toxic. I feel sick thinking that he was our friend. I had no clue she was going through all of this. He’s so toxic.”

Seungmin thought for a minute, “Wherever she’s going I think Felix, Minho, Bin, and Hannie should be with her.”

Hyunjin nodded, “Maybe an apartment? Or switching houses. I think she may want someplace familiar.”

Seungmin said “When she gets up we should ask her. They never told me when they were thinking of discharging her.”

Hyunjin shook his head, “No, she just went through an episode, making her make a decision right after sedation isn’t a good idea. Maybe ask Bin??”

Seungmin smiled, “Yeah that’s a good idea. For now, they all need rest. You included. Thanks for staying up for me.”

Hyunjin just went back to sleep after nodding at Seungmin. It wasn’t lost on Hyunjin that Seungmin was clearly distraught in that hallway. He knew that now wasn’t the time. Maybe when things calmed down. When everyone was feeling less tense, Hyunjin could reapproach.

After a few hours, people started slowly waking up until everyone was lucid, be it from hunger, or eventually hearing the mumbles of others. The nurses would pop in occasionally, giving whatever they could to help you and the boys. A little into most being awake except for yourself and Bin, you started mumbling. Han looked at the clock. His gaze shot to his phone, it was almost time for your next anxiety medication. They warned him that sometimes nearing the next dose, your anxiety would kick back up, and he told everyone to quiet down for a second. He wanted to make sure you weren’t in any distress.

He noticed you started to mumble, “Chris, my boys… where… my boys…Binnie…” All of the boys looked like the only thing they wanted to do was wake you. The nurses advised Han, however, that the best way to wake you was not in the middle of the nightmare, you’d probably remember it, and usually that only compounds the trauma. So all he could really do was watch. You gripped Bin’s hoodie and he woke up immediately, his eyes snapping to you. He woke up to hear your mumbles, “Chris…. Not…not my boys… please..” He saw you start to cry in your sleep.

He whispered, “We’re here Angel, not going anywhere it’s okay.”

You started shaking, “Where… Binnie… don’t take… from me. Chris please…my boys…help…”

Bin couldn’t see any more of this. He started to pet your hair a little more intently, as he directed Han to get the nurse. Then he started raising his volume a little bit, “Angel… wake up for me… Angel… Y/N…” He started lightly jostling you as he squeezed your hand under his lightly, “Angel it’s a nightmare, wake up… Y/N…”

Finally, your eyes snapped open as you squeezed him, “Binnie… Chris took you away… Took all of you away…”

“Shhhh shhhhh it’s okay, it was a nightmare, we’re here. It’s okay.”

“He took my boys away,” Your eyes were glassy, pupils dilated as you registered where you were. You looked around and Seungmin came up to pet your hair.

“Hi Birdie, it’s okay. It’s alright. You’re okay, we’re all here. Hannie is getting the nurse, okay?”

Seungmin could see your body shaking slightly, he got down to your level again and held your hand while Bin kept rubbing your back.

You looked at Seungmin and started tearing up again, “you didn’t leave?” He wiped your tears and said, “Why would I? You're here. I wouldn’t be anywhere else.” He smiled at you, “Just breathe Birdie… you’re okay.”

He could tell you wanted him closer, “Do you want to lay on me? Would that help, Birdie?”

You couldn’t really talk but you nodded, then he looked to Bin and said, “Okay beat it Seo, she wants me now…” Making you giggle a little. Bin looked at you and reluctantly let go with a kiss on your head.

Once again, Seungmin is in no way shape, or form known for skinship but there he was lying so content next to you. Everyone has no idea what is going on. Lix looked to Seungmin and was very skeptical as he said, “O… okay I want to cuddle at home and he’s all ‘I need my personal space’ but if it’s Y/N… I got it Kim Seungmin… You’re lucky I’m not the jealous type.”

Minho piped up with “You are the jealous type.” with a scoff and Lix fired back with, “Good point…. What does Y/N have Seungmin? Huh? I have long hair and cute freckles, I’m adorable. So what is it?”

Seungmin just looked at you and whispered “Watch this…” Then he addressed Lix, “Easy you’re not Birdie.” That made you giggle a little more. You still shook but you were coming out of it a little.

Lix said, “I’m a bird, you don’t know Bbokari? I am even cuter I’m a baby chick…”

Seungmin nudged your back so Lix didn’t see it and he said, “You also commit cannibalism…” He narrowed his eyes as you started to laugh. Felix looked down at you and smirked as Seungmin said, “And Birdie is way cuter than you, Lix.” His jaw dropped, bright like that and Seungmin copied his expression.

“I mean you’re right but why come for my throat like that?” He fake scoweled at him as he sat back down, playfully turning his back to Seungmin, “uncalled for…”

Once again Minho acted disinterested as he deadpanned, “I mean he is right Yongbok-ah.”

Then Felix said, “You too?!” And you laughed even harder.

Felix looked at you and said, “Flower, am I cute?” He asked with a fake quiver on his lip. Felix’s nickname for you was Flower. The reason for it is one of his favorite memories with you. Felix and you are really the only two people out of everyone who actually stop to take in the surroundings around you. There was one time you got so excited when you found a pretty flower blooming on a tree while you both were out on a walk. He literally heard a squeak and then you were darting toward a tree. When he looked in the direction you darted in you were trying to jump to grab one of the flowers on its branches.

He walked over to you, and still, no matter how high you jumped, you couldn’t reach it. He giggled to himself as he said, “Which one are you aiming for Y/N?”

You said “The one on the tip of that branch.” It was a good jump away for you. But you weren’t a dancer with years of Taekwondo training.

He smirked as he said, “Okay jumping bean stand back.” You did and in one leap he snatched the flower off the branch. He walked over to you and put it in your hair. “I can’t decide which flower is more pretty.” He took a picture of you and said, “Hm this one,” He booped your nose and showed you the picture, “See?” You giggled and thanked him and you both kept on walking, since then that’s been your contact photo, the name it’s saved under being Flower.

“Of course you are, Lixie!” you answered.

“Oh thank god, Flower doesn’t lie so I’m good.” He grabbed his chest, as he slunk down.

Meanwhile, Hyunjin took Bin to the hall to talk.

He started off with.“Seungmin talked to the Psychiatrist. He told her the gist of the situation, and she said that after she talked to Y/N, she’d be discharged. They recommended that she doesn’t enter the house. At least not yet. It’s too big of a stress on her.”

“Ok, I figured that,” Bin said nodding as he carded his hand through his hair, thinking.

Hyunjin continued, “He talked with me and we wanted to know what you thought. Maybe you and Hannie switching houses with Seungmin and someone else if she wants somewhere familiar. If she wants her own place, maybe an apartment where you and Hannie, Lix, and Minho go with her. We figured you four wouldn’t want to leave her side either way.”

“Yeah, I’m not leaving her anywhere. Hmm. She’s too fragile to ask this question right now. Do we have a timeframe of when they are looking to discharge her?”

“No not really,” Hyunjin said.

“Okay, can you find that out for me? At least an estimation, I want to give her as much time as possible to be somewhat calmer. If she can’t make a decision I’ll take her somewhere with me, get her away where she can process a little. Thanks, Hyunjin.”

“You don’t need to thank me,” Hyunjin said. When both of them went back inside they walked in on you starting to look a little more yourself. You were looking around and then looked at Bin.

“Hello Angel, how are you feeling?” Bin asked.

“M’good… But I want something.” You looked guilty which made him laugh.

“Let me guess….” He looked intently at you thinking…. “Hmmmm… you hungry?”

You nodded your head, “But not just anything…” You trailed off.

Seungmin knew that face… You have a craving. He’s thinking about how he is going to get you what you want without causing suspicion. Lately, it’s been for Felix’s brownies. There were a lot of questions he had to answer and luckily he knew exactly how to answer them.

Bin’s face scrunched up, “Craving?” he asked.

You nodded. The suspense is killing Seungmin, they could’ve been halfway to the car by now. “Let me guess,” Seungmin said.

Everyone looked at him, “Felix’s Brownies?”

You nodded at Seungmin. You weren’t panicking or anything. You have full confidence that he would protect your privacy.

Minho could tell something as he said, “How did you know that, Kim Seungmin?” He had a quizzical look about him as Seungmin smirked.

“Listen I know exactly how addicting those things are, they are the reason why I got yelled at by management before last comeback. I also know that she loves chocolate, so put two and two together.” Seungmin smirked.

“Ok…. so why are they at her house and not ours?” Minho asked, grinning like a cat that got the cream.

“You tell me what’ll survive longer at our house, Minho… Chicken shakes or Brownies?” He smirked eyes narrowing.

Minho said nothing and Seungmin said, “Exactly… My brownie stash is at their place, they had a better chance of surviving there, especially with Hyunjin’s bottomless pit of a stomach. All Birdie asked was that I brought a sacrificial pan for her.” He is lying through his teeth right now. All three were for you and he happily let you eat all of it in front of him, knowing you were probably lacking Magnesium. Of course, he wasn’t reckless, he’d check your sugar levels and would walk with you to keep them down.

Felix laughed as he said, “That’s why you had me bake five of them and only two were in the house the next day??”

Seungmin nodded, “Speaking of.” he thought for a second as he said, “We are down to how many, Birdie?”

You looked up at him and said, “Ok so first…. Did I mention you are so loved by me and your friendship means the WORLD to me…”

“Birdie? Out with it.”

“Half a pan, Minnie.” Seungmin’s jaw dropped, again, at completely known information already. He should get a performance award or something. “I have a weakness for delicious deserts and I am not above admitting that, can you go by the house and get it, Minnie?” Bin couldn’t find it in himself not to coo at you.

“You are so adorable it’s criminal. I can’t handle you.” He said absentmindedly as his shoulders slumped in acceptance.

“Am I so adorable that you’ll go with Minnie to get it?” You smiled wide, as if to make yourself more cute, not that you could to Binnie.

“Angel… I’m not comfortable leaving you...” Bin said.

“I knoooooooow but I’m really craving it. Please, Binnie” You did the cute eyes, the jutting lip… the same exact look that made his stomach do summersaults and his heart explode since he’s met you.

“Yah Angel, with the face, and the…” he took in a lungful of air. “Fiiiiiine fine fine. Okay, I’ll go, okay. Because you asked.”

You smiled at him and said, “Thank you thank you thank you!!”

The whole ride was not too bad, passed in silence mostly. Bin was gearing himself up to be in that house again. He’s learned a lot about Chan, the thing above all is to stay calm. He’s just wondering if that is even a possibility at this point. Just seeing him makes Bin want to put Chris’ face through the nearest brick wall. Yes, he knows it’ll take multiple times to get his head through it, and if there is one thing he knows, the wall will win, but Bin was damn sure going to try.

When they parked Bin was the first to say, “We go in… we get the snacks and we leave.” He said it more for himself than anything. As he opened the door he saw Chris which didn’t surprise him, being on the phone did.

He smirked up at Bin as he said, “Of course I didn’t mean it, I love you, Baby, you know that.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

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whatsk-poppinhomies · 1 year

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Pairing : Seungmin/Minho x F!Reader TW : arguing ; reader feeling unwell ; reader depression (Minhos) ; reader fainting ; reader su**ide attempt (Minhos) ; hospitals ; IV's (Seungmins) ; the boys being jerks honestly (this is obviously not an accurate depiction of them) ; very angsty ; fluff at the end but it's like a sad kind of fluff??? ; Word Count : combined - 6.3k (Seungmin - 2.4k) (Minho - 3.8k) Request : Anonny : Can u write a VERY angsty drabble(?) but with a fluff ending when seungmin/minho argue with reader on how they don't take care of the house and don't let them explain, but the reader was extremely sick and out of the sadness they try to clean and end up fainting, wake up when seungmin/minho come and fluff at the end? A/N : OF COURSE I CAN MAKE IT VERY ANGSTY! THIS IS WHAT I LIVE FOR! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE REQUEST!! I HOPE YOU LOVE IT!!

Seungmin

Seungmin had been staying at the dorms for a while since his schedule was so packed, and usually you’d be begging him to come back home because you missed him, and it’s not that you didn’t miss him, quite the opposite actually. You had gotten ill, and at first, you thought that it was just a minor bug that you’d get over in a couple of days. You didn’t expect for whatever it was to completely take you out of commission, leaving you bed bound for what felt like forever.

You weren’t the type to whine to anyone about being sick though, especially not Seungmin, not because you thought he didn’t care, you knew that he did, he cared far too much sometimes, and you knew that if you had told him, he’d try to juggle looking after you and taking care of everything at work at the same time and he’d end up just as sick as you. You’d hate to pass whatever it was that you had onto him, and potentially even the other members when they had so much to work on, so you took care of yourself, and honestly, it was easier that way.

You didn’t know how long he’d be gone for, and you really thought that you’d have more time. Time to get yourself feeling better, time to get healthy enough to get back on the chores that you had abandoned for a bit just to take care of yourself. It’s not like the house was in complete shambles or disarray, there might have been a few dishes in the sink and the rug hadn’t been vacuumed in a few days. There was some laundry that was most definitely building in the hamper, but it’s not anything that couldn’t be started and finished in the span of a few hours once you were feeling like yourself once again.

“For Christs sake…” You heard Seungmin mutter to himself before you had even registered the sound of the front door unlocking. “It’s a pigsty here. What the hell has she been doing?” He continued to talk to himself as he made his way through your shared apartment, and you could hear the dishes being moved in the sink, rather loudly, only further worsening the headache that you had. Before you had the chance to even get out of bed to explain, he walked into the bedroom, finding you laying down, surrounded by pillows and covered with so many blankets you should be overheating. “Wow!” He exclaimed, shaking his head as his tongue tsked in disbelief.

“Minnie…” You sighed, trying to push yourself upright, the motion causing your head to spin and your stomach to tighten. “I’ll… I’ll get on the things that need to be done… I just haven’t been feeling well and-” He scoffed loudly, cutting you off mid sentence. “I’m serious… I-”

He cut you off again, not even letting you finish before he started to talk. “How convenient that you get to lounge around and be lazy while I’m working to pay the bills. All I ask is that you clean up after yourself. You’re filthy.” He spat the last word at you, and if you weren’t so exhausted from being up all night coughing, you might have had the energy to start crying. All you could do though was stare at him, confused and wounded by the words that he threw in your direction. “I’m glad that you thought you could take a vacation though while I’m busting my ass all week.”

Your head shook quickly, only making you more sick. “That’s not… I’m not on vacation I’m… I don’t feel good… I’m so tired and… I think that maybe I should-” He laughed loudly, although the sound was more sarcastic than anything. It had you wanting to sink down into the mattress, disappear into the thick foam and hide away from him.

“You think I’m not tired? I shouldn’t have to come home thinking I can finally relax after working for a whole week and then have to clean up after you.” He snapped, and you wanted so badly to argue with him, but he wasn’t going to listen, he was already pissed off and he didn’t want to hear what he thought to be excuses. “You know what? I can’t… I’m going back to the dorms. You’re just… ew. I can’t.”

Your mouth stayed shut as you watched him walk out of the room, then the front door slammed shut. He had left. You hated when he was mad at you, you wished he would just listen, but you knew well enough how he got when he was irritated. You wanted him home, you missed him dearly, you loved him. In his mind, he had every right to be mad, and while what he said wasn’t the nicest, it had come from a place of his own exhaustion and annoyance.

“Sorry…” You muttered, not to anyone in particular, but you wanted to get the word out, the word that you had been holding onto for so long now. He’d come back if the house was clean, that’s all you had to do, and while your body was run down from being up all night and any slight movement had you feeling like you’d throw up at any moment, you needed him there with you.

You pushed yourself to get out of bed, your legs wobbling once they hit the floor, but you hoped that you’d get better if you just started moving. The AC had been turned off and the heat had been cranked up, but you were still shivering, just another sign that the fever hadn’t broke yet, but maybe moving around a bit would help… You weren’t sure how, but you could hope.

It was a miracle that you had managed to start the laundry, the constant bending over and standing straight back up to throw clothes in the wash had your balance absolutely shot, but a couple seconds of leaning against the machine had you feeling a little better, or at least like your equilibrium had balanced out enough for you to move onto the next task. All you had left to do was vacuum and do the dishes.

To run the vacuum would require too much movement, and you didn’t want to jump into that, not yet at least, so you opted for, what you thought would be, the easier job. You made your way into the kitchen, just the small walk had you out of breath and hunched over the sink as you tried to keep yourself from puking. Your hands shook as you turned on the tap, it felt like you were shivering, but it was far worse, you couldn’t get it to stop. Your vision seemed to black out constantly, like you were blinking a little bit too long and far too much.

It was like lifting weights, getting the dishes out of the sink to wash them, and even though the water had steam coming up from it, your hands felt like ice. The room was spinning at this point, and you couldn’t keep yourself upright, the exhaustion from everything, the fever, it had all taken a hold of you at once, and before you knew it, the glass that had been in your hand was shattering against the floor and you crumbled down right next to it.

His phone vibrated in his pocket nonstop, he knew it was a phone call, and he assumed that the first two times it happened that it was you asking him to come back. It wasn’t until the third call came in, throwing him off during practice that he yanked his phone out, prepared to tell you to stop bothering him until he saw the number.

“Hello?” He answered, confusion lacing his tone. He could hear in the background of the call a slight commotion, and while he usually wouldn’t be one to worry about things like that, there was something about the feeling of urgency, the fact that this random number had called him 3 times in a row that had a certain sense of panic creeping up on him.

“Yeah, I’m on the phone with her boyfriend right now.” The person on the other end responded to someone nearby, and Seungmins stomach dropped. What the hell was going on? Who was this lady talking to? Obviously it was concerning you, and now he was extremely concerned about you. “Sorry, uhm… Your girlfriend, she uhm… She had an accident and…”

He was already grabbing his jacket off the hook and pulling it on, his feet ghosting him through the practice room doors and down the hall. “An accident? What kind of accident? Is she okay?” He rushed out the questions, sprinting now as his stomach rose into his throat. Had you tried to come to the building to talk to him? Was it a car accident? Were you okay?

“She fainted… There’s glass everywhere and… The paramedics are making sure she isn’t cut up or anything…” Those words only had him panicking even more. Glass? You fainted? Had you been driving and passed out? He didn’t hear any cars in the background, and he didn’t hear any emergency vehicle sirens. “Her fever is really high… They’re uhm… They’re taking her to the hospital… Right now? Yeah… Right now…”

The lady was obviously talking to the paramedics in between trying to give him any sort of information, and it was extremely frustrating to have any sort of details being relayed to him through the phone. “Is she gonna be okay?!” He shouted, his mind in a haze now as he stood outside the building, probably looking like a madman as he ran his hand through his hair trying to figure out what exactly to do and where to go.

“I’m not sure.. They’re loading her onto the gurney right now… They said… She’s breathing… But the fever is too high, she… She might have an infection or something? I don’t know… I’m sorry.” The lady spoke as fast as she could, and Seungmin tried to listen to the voices that were coming in through the background, but they were muffled and grainy and he couldn’t make anything out.

“I’ll meet them at the hospital. Thank you.” He was sure that he probably sounded inconsiderate, and when he had the chance, he’d apologize to whoever the lady was for being so short. Right now though, he just wanted to get to the hospital that you were being taken to and make sure that you were alright.

One text to Chan and his hyung was racing out of the building, clearly confused and worried by the vague “I need to go to the hospital” text that Seungmin had sent him. It was hard to explain everything during the ride considering Seungmin had not an inkling of an idea of what was actually going on himself. All he knew was that you were there and the last things he had said to you were nothing short of awful. The guilt was eating away at him and he knew that if anything worse happened while you were in there, he’d never forgive himself.

“Are you gonna be o-” Chan began to ask as he pulled up right outside the emergency doors, but Seungmin was already out of the car. The thing is, he didn’t know if he’d be okay. It all depended on you, how you were right now, whether you’d be able to leave the hospital with him. He wasn’t okay right now though, he was far from it.

A fucking kidney stone. It explained everything, but it also sucked. They had to do emergency surgery to get it out since it was becoming septic and apparently you were pretty damn close to dying. It was a good thing that you had dropped the glass and that the person in the apartment directly below you was so nosy. If it hadn’t been for her rushing up to see what the loud bang was, you probably would have died on the kitchen floor. At least, that’s what the doctors said.

“Hey… sweetie…” Seungmins voice came from beside you, and you could have been angry, you should have been angry at him. If he had just listened, you probably would have been in the hospital a lot sooner and you wouldn’t have had to almost bust your head open on the kitchen floor just to get the attention of someone.

“I washed the laundry…” You whispered, because even though you should have felt nothing but rage at him for being so rude, instead you felt nervousness. Would he berate you still in the hospital? Of course, you should know that Seungmin loved you, that he’d never mean to hurt you, but right now, after everything that you’ve been through, you just weren’t sure.

He sighed softly, reaching out to grab your hand, gently and making sure to not touch the IV that was poking out from the vein in the top. “You shouldn’t have done that… You were sick, Y/N… Really sick.” His head shook as he scooted the chair closer to the edge of your bed, his other hand moving up to cup your face, his thumb brushing along your cheek. “You didn’t text me… You didn’t call me to tell me that you were feeling so bad… If I had known… Why didn’t you tell me?”

Your bottom lip jutted out into a small pout, refusing to look at him as you averted your eyes to the TV hanging on the wall. “I didn’t want to tell you… I didn’t know what was wrong… I didn’t want you or the guys to get sick…” And even though you weren’t looking at him, you still felt comfort with his hand in yours, and you intertwined your fingers with his own.

“It was a… a kidney stone, sweetie… That’s not contagious, it’s deadly…” He murmured, his tone, although quieter now, still holding the same urgency it had when he had first found out from the doctors what was going on. “I could have lost you… I…” His breaths were shakier now, just the thought of being without you had him on the verge of tears. He wasn’t the best at displaying emotions, not unless it was done in a teasing manner, but he knew that right now wasn’t the time for that. “I love you… And, for the love of God, if you’re feeling any type of sick… Tell me. Please, just tell me. I don’t care if it’s something contagious, I don’t care if I get it myself. I’m your boyfriend, I’m here for you, I always will be… You just have to let me. Can you promise me that? Promise that you’ll let me take care of you?”

Minho

It was that time of year. There wasn’t anything specifically pleasant or unpleasant about it, it was just… that time. Seasonal depression was just something that you had, and as much as you tried to find happiness in the things around you, it was hard. There wasn’t a particular reason why you were so down, your mind just had those days, or moreso, months, where it made you think and feel this way. You had looked it up, it was actually a common thing, although it usually happened more around the winter holidays, but there was no set time for one's mind to decide that it didn’t want to produce the serotonin that it needed. Your mind just decided that right now was the time.

You never told Minho about it either, you didn’t want him to think that something was wrong with you, you didn’t want him to leave you or feel like your emotions were a burden, so you had kept it to yourself, hoping that you’d be able to hide the symptoms of your depression from him when he was around. The thing is, him being around in general just helped, his presence alone kept your mind off of everything, he made you happy. If he knew that though, he’d push himself to be with you more often, and you knew that his career, his members, they needed him more.

Thankfully and unthankfully he was on tour when your bout of depression kicked in. He wasn’t there to be that ray of light that you needed when that dark cloud above your head started to pour, but he also wasn’t there to potentially find you sitting in the bathroom crying because you had accidentally spilled a drop of tea on the counter after just cleaning it and it made you feel like an absolute idiot. Maybe it was better that he wasn’t around for things like that, it would only worry him or confuse him or push him away from you, all things that you didn’t want.

Some episodes were worse than others, and this one wasn’t bad in the sense that most people would think. You just didn’t want to do anything, you didn’t want to get out of bed, you didn’t want to move. The only thing you had managed to do in the days that you had been laying in bed was cry, because ironically enough, you felt useless and worthless for being so lazy but you didn’t want to get out of bed so it just made you cry more because you didn’t even understand yourself sometimes.

The only thing that you made sure to do was feed the cats and make sure they had fresh water and that you cleaned out their litter pans. It wasn’t their fault that your brain was fucked up, and you loved them like your children, the least you could do was take care of them, especially since Minho had trusted you to look after them. As soon as you were done making sure they were cared for though, you would retreat back to your shared bedroom and climb under the covers, your mind running rampant just thinking of things that would send you into another fit of tears.

“Lovey, I’m home!!!” Minhos voice sounded through the entire house, and your heart sank, your own worries taking over. You thought that you’d be over your episode by now, but it had only seemed to get worse the longer he was gone. The only optimistic thought you had was that maybe his presence, his own happiness would rub off on you and pull you out of the slump that you were in. “What’s that… Oh my god, ew…” His footsteps carried him further into the home, but he paused right where the litter pans were, and you realized that you had fucked up. You hadn’t cleaned them yet today, but you made sure to feed the babies, and give them the water. You just weren’t in the right headspace, you forgot about the litter. “Leave her in charge for 2 weeks and she can’t even keep up on this…” He grumbled, and then his steps sounded out once more.

The words already had you going into a state of panic, your throat closing up and your chest rising and falling faster as you held back your tears. You didn’t want him to see you like this. “Shit… Shit shit shit…” You mumbled to yourself, quickly trying to get out of the bed before he had the chance to come through the door, but you had been a little too slow, the bedroom door flying open and hitting the wall, causing you to fall back against the pillow, pulling the blanket over your head. It was childish, it was foolish, but maybe if you hid yourself he wouldn’t yell at you.

“You’re fucking kidding me, right?” He muttered, moving closer to the bed and yanking the blankets down. The look of disgust on his face, the way his eyes rolled with his annoyance, it hurt far more than he’d probably ever understand. “Did I wake you?” He questioned, but it wasn’t genuine, it was snarky and rude and you knew that he didn’t actually care if he did wake you or not. “Is this the only thing you’re good at, ‘cause it sure fucking seems like it. You can’t change the litter pan? You don’t even have to change it everyday, all you have to do is sift it most of the time.”

Your eyes squeezed shut, looking at him only had you falling silent, and you thought that maybe if you didn’t see him you’d be able to explain. “I… I have been cleaning it… I just forgot today… I’m sorry… I didn’t mean it…” You practically whimpered, trying to pull the blankets back up, hoping to find some sort of refuge or comfort under the familiar sheets, but his grip on the fabric stayed tight and the covers wouldn’t budge.

“Does your brain not work? You can’t just forget a day, Y/N. They’ll be shitting all over the house. I clearly see that you don’t mind living in filth, but my babies actually like to be clean.” It was insult after insult, and you knew that he had a right to be mad, his cats were everything to him, but he didn’t understand, and maybe that was your fault for not being upfront with him about what was going on, but it still didn’t mean he had to be so mean. “Can’t believe I trusted you with them. You can’t even take care of yourself, I mean… Jesus, look at you, it’s pathetic.”

You were trying so hard not to cry, he’d only find you more disgusting if you did, so you held it in, your lips pursed tightly shut as you held your breath. You knew that you didn’t look the best, you were wearing one of his hoodies and a pair of sweatpants, your hair hadn’t been brushed in days, you hadn’t been keeping up on your skincare routine, you had let yourself go. Instead of finding something concerning about all of that though, he immediately jumped to degrading you.

“I’m gonna take them to my parents. Enjoy your vacation.” The words were spat at you and you were too scared to say anything, too scared to open your mouth, knowing that once you did you’d just start sobbing and you’d make a mess of yourself, although he already saw you as a mess anyway.

You waited for him to leave, the sound of the carrier crates being loaded with the cats who he apologized profusely to as he put them into them. It was your fault, everything was your fault, you just couldn’t do anything right. You didn’t deserve to be with someone as amazing, someone as hardworking as Minho. To be honest, you weren’t even sure how you had gotten with him to begin with. You remembered it, but you didn’t understand how someone like him could find someone like you even worthy of his presence, let alone his love.

As soon as he left, making his exit audibly known by the loud slam of the door, you were up out of the bed, making your way into the bathroom. You were like a zombie, and when you looked at yourself in the mirror you could only see yourself the way he saw you laying in bed. You looked awful, you looked horrendous. Your hair was knotted and mangled in the back of your head where you had been laying on it for far too long. Your skin was extremely dry and blotchy, your lips were chapped and your eyes were red and puffy from crying so much. You looked like a monster, certainly not someone that Minho would be proud to stand beside.

Your thoughts were worse now than they had ever been, destructive and demeaning as you stared at yourself in the mirror. He thought you were pathetic, he thought you were useless, he thought you were ugly… And you couldn’t help but believe all of those things. How could you not?

With shaky hands, you grabbed the first bottle of pills that you could out of the medicine cabinet, carelessly shaking them into the palm of your hands, not even bothering to count out how many you had before throwing them in your mouth and washing them down with a cup of water. He might think all of those things, but the cats… they didn’t understand, did they? Maybe you could just… show them… show them that you weren’t as pathetic as you and Minho thought you were. You at least wanted to show them that you did care, you cared about them, you loved them, even if Minho didn’t think that you did.

You grabbed a garbage bag from under the sink and started cleaning out the boxes, your head already spinning and your vision blurring, but you were hell bent on getting this done, at least one of the boxes if you could. You heart was running like a train, the sound of it filling your ears as you lifted the litter box into the black bag, trying your best to empty the contents of it, but you felt so weak, so tired, and you couldn’t breathe and everything was getting dark and all you wanted to do was sleep. You couldn’t stop yourself from falling back, it was like you couldn’t control your own body, and before you knew it, everything went dark.

His leg bounced nonstop as he stared at his phone, sitting on the couch in his parents home with his babies surrounding him, but he didn’t feel right, you weren’t there with him and he wasn’t in his home, he wasn’t with you. He had texted you repeatedly and you had yet to respond, something that worried him immensely considering you were the quickest texter he knew.

Maybe you were mad at him… No, not maybe… He was 100% sure that you were mad at him, and he knew that you should be. What he said was out of line, it was uncalled for. It’s not like the litter pans hadn’t been cleaned for days, it was simply one day and he had blown it out of proportion, he had said things to you that shouldn’t have been said at all or even thought about. You were the love of his life, you meant everything to him. He didn’t want to lose you because he overreacted, and it’s not like you hadn’t been actively taking care of his cats the entire time he had been gone.

Now that he was alone with his thoughts, he could see how ridiculous he had been, how rude, how shitty what he did was. You just hadn’t gotten around to cleaning the litter pans yet, it made sense, it wasn’t the best job to do, it surely wasn’t fun. He had blown up on you for no reason and he hated himself for being that way with you. He had taken the time to cool off, and while he was most certain that you probably didn’t want to see him right now, he wanted to apologize, he wanted to make the first step in setting things right and hopefully helping to heal the wounds that he caused you.

“I gotta go home real quick… I’ll be back to either spend the night or pick them up.” Minho called out to his mom, giving her a quick goodbye before leaving and climbing into his car. Thoughts raced through his mind about what you probably thought. Did you think he didn’t love you anymore? That he was possibly cheating on you and that’s why he had acted so horribly about something as simple as the litter? Did you think he was trying to push you away?

His fingers drummed anxiously against the wheel as he made his way home. He tried not to go too fast, knowing that it would only be worse for him if he got pulled over, but he wanted to get back to you, he wanted to tell you, show you how much he truly loved you, how much he regretted every single word that left his mouth this afternoon.

Your car was still in the driveway when he pulled up, you clearly weren’t out or busy, so you were either sleeping or just actively ignoring his texts, both of them seemed plausible and respectable considering the way he had left you. He had stopped off at a flower shop on his way home, and it felt like the first date all over again, his hands trembling around the bouquet as he walked up to the front door. Would you blow up at him when you saw him? It only seemed right, and he’d take every single word that you threw at him if you did.

Unlocking the front door, he saw that all of the curtains in the living room had been drawn shut, the same as they had been, practically blacking out the entire room once the light from outside had been blocked out when he shut the front door. “Y/N…” He whispered your name, his nerves wired as he thought about how you’d react to seeing him. Would you tell him to leave? Would you scream at him? Would you just continue to ignore him as if he wasn’t there at all?

His hands searched the walls to find the lightswitch, not wanting to trip on any cat toys as he walked through the house, and once the lights came on his eyes scanned the room. Everything was the same way it had been when he left, the only difference was the black lump in the middle of the floor. Truthfully, his eyes had darted right over it at first, the shape of it looked more like a blanket that had just been left out, especially since the light that he turned on hadn’t really illuminated that spot well, but when he walked over to the shape and his eyes finally adjusted to what it was, it was like his entire world stopped.

The flowers that he had been holding fell to the floor as he dropped down next to you, his hands immediately wrapping around you to pull you into his lap. “Y/N!” He shouted, his hands actively working to grab your wrist, his thumb pressing down to feel your heartbeat, and his own began to pick up in pace when he felt just how slow yours was. “Fuck… Baby please… Don’t do this to me… I’m sorry…” He was already crying, his tears falling into your hair and on your face as he fumbled in his pockets to find his phone.

It was only made worse when his screen illuminated with a picture of him and you together, your smile so beautiful that he couldn’t help but fall in love with you all over again whenever he saw it. He could barely get himself to dial the number for the police, and his voice was weak, shaky and choked out when he tried to speak. “I need an… An ambulance… My girlfriend… Please… Help… Help me!” Those last two words were shouted to the operator as he became more desperate, your body practically lifeless as it lay heavily against him.

Everything was crumbling, his heart, his life, his universe was just falling down around him and he didn’t know what to do. He held you close against him, his cheek pressed against your forehead as he continued to cry, heavy sobs shaking his body as he rocked back and forth on the floor. “Don’t leave me… You can’t leave me… You promised that you’d be with me forever… You promised me that…” He whispered, trembling lip kisses placed across your face between each sob. “Just wake up… All you have to do is wake up… For me… God, don’t leave me… Don’t…” He begged, tears pouring from his eyes like rain.

He refused to leave you, to let you go, even when the paramedics knocked on the door, and they had to enter the house themselves and pry you from out of his arms. “Is she dead… Don’t tell me she’s… She’ll be okay… Won’t she?” He was on his knees on the floor, his legs weak and unable to let him stand as he watched the men load you onto the gurney, but no one answered him.

The hospital room was too cold, it was too bright, there was so much wrong with it, but the biggest problem was the fact that you were the one laying in the bed right now. They had managed to wake you up, and luckily it had just been a fainting spell instead of anything worse, but he heard… He knew what you had done, and while he was angry with you for trying to take yourself away from him like that, he was even more angry with himself for being the one to cause that reaction in you.

He had just started to doze off on the couch, something that he hadn’t been able to do in days despite his exhaustion. The doctors had to keep reminding him that you were going to be okay, and the only reason you were still in the hospital at this point was to rest and to make sure all you didn’t have any other side effects to the medication that you had taken. He was thankful for that, but he wanted to take you home, he wanted to be the one who took care of you.

Sheets being rustled and the sound of disoriented grumbling had his eyes opening slightly, blinking the sleep out of them before turning to see you trying to get out of the bed. “What are you- Lay back down!” He practically shouted, stumbling over his own feet to get to you. Just the look in your eyes as you dropped back down onto the uncomfortable hospital bed was enough to show him just how much damage he had inflicted with his words. “Baby… Love, I-”

“Why are you here?” You whispered, fumbling with the edge of the scratchy hospital blanket that you had pulled up around yourself. “You don’t have to be here… I probably look more disgusting now than I did at the house…” Your eyes glanced around the room, your eyes rolling as a heavy sigh left your lips and your head fell back against the pillow. “I don’t need to be here…”

“Y/N…” He whispered your name, not wanting to raise his voice too high, afraid of upsetting you right now when you were clearly already not in the best state of mind. “You need to be here… You do… I need to know that you’re okay.” Not only did he need to know, he just needed you to be okay in general, although he was sure you didn’t want to hear that right now. “I love you, that’s why I’m here, and I’m sorry… I’m sorry for the way that I left…”

You pursed your lips, your eyes focused on the painting on the wall that didn’t look to be anything in particular, but maybe you found something beautiful in it. “You’re not wrong… You weren’t wrong when you left… I’m useless, and I’m pathetic and-” His hands were on your cheeks, cupping them firmly yet not too hard, his lips crashing against your own, leaving you in a state of momentary shock. “What was that-” You had begun to question when he pulled back, but you were cut off once again when he kissed you.

“I don’t want you to say that about yourself, I don’t want you to think that… You’re perfect, you’re amazing and… God, how could you possibly be useless when you do so much for me?” Your eyebrows lowered, casting shadows over your eyes as you shot him a questioning glance. “Don’t you know? How do you think I’m able to get through hard days and excruciating practices? It’s you… I just think of you and how great it’ll be to come home… To be with you… You’re the light at the end of the tunnel, and you’ll always be that for me.”

You swallowed thickly, turning away from him to blink away the tears that had begun to form in your eyes. “There’s something wrong with me… I’m not good enough for you… Or anyone…” You mumbled, trying so hard to keep your voice from wavering, but it was pointless when he was listening to you so intently he could hear the slightest crack. “I just… I didn’t want to not be with you… I didn’t want to be here if you… Didn’t love me and…” He shushed you quickly, his own eyes brimming with tears when he heard the thoughts that had played out in your head that evening spoken so sadly by you now. What had he done? “No… No, baby… No…” He cooed, his hands actively wiping away your tears and his own that were falling at a rapid rate down both of your faces. “You’re more than good enough for me… You’re too good for me. There’s nothing wrong with you… I think you’re absolutely perfect, and there’ll never be a day that goes by that I won’t love you.” He carefully scooted you over on the bed, making room for himself to climb in beside you which seemed uncomfortable for him, but he also didn’t seem to mind it either. “I’m not leaving you… And you’re not allowed to leave me either… Promise you won’t do something like that again. You don’t know how scared I was… I can’t lose you, not like that… I love you too much to let you go…”

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starrgaziinggg · 4 months

Text

by your side | lee minho x reader (3.5k words)

warning -> heavy topics. lots of sadness. a little angst. read at your own risk, it may break your heart.

Minho held flowers behind his back. Lillie’s, with baby’s breath and tulips, too. The florist had raised an eyebrow at the odd combination of flowers, but he had shrugged in return. They were your three favourites, after all.

You’d been distant for a while now. Not taking him up on the spontaneous adventures you were usually jumping at - hiking, road trips, going to the beach and always swimming in the sea even if it was freezing cold. Anything that helped pull you both astray from your mundane office jobs.

Minho didn’t know what he’d done. Not a clue. The only time you’d been this weird with him was when he forgot your third year anniversary. Forgot has to be used loosely, since him forgetting was only a ploy to surprise you with a hotel stay and a fancy dinner. And even then, you’d been in a huff for about three hours and gotten over it almost as quickly as you’d gotten into it.

This was different. He felt you physically pulling away from him. Hence, the early return of work and the bouquet of flowers.

He hesitates before opening the door of your shared apartment, feeling his phone vibrate in his pocket. Balancing the flowers, he pulls out his phone to read the text.

Seungmin

Hope all goes well, lover boy

Let me know when she’s feeling better, she owes me a shopping spree

Minho chuckles inwardly at the younger boys text. He’s the whole reason he met you all those years ago - Seungmin’s friend from high school, his roommate during the first year of college. Until, that is, Minho became infatuated with you and stole you from him, as Seungmin would so lovingly put it.

He’d lied when Seungmin had asked him if everything’s okay. “She’s just feeling slightly under the weather,” he’d replied. He pockets his phone, takes a deep breath, and pushes open the door.

But you’re not there, sprawled out on the couch like you usually would be. No kdrama streaming, no snacks on the coffee table. In fact, the apartment looks desolate, until he sees you walking out of the bedroom.

With a suitcase. A fucking suitcase.

“I -,” Minho starts, hesitantly pulling the bouquet from behind his back. You look at him, tears brimming in your eyes, before looking at the window.

“This isn’t working out,” you rush, a stupid mess of words that stab Minho in the heart. “I’m going to stay at my parents for a bit. Please don’t contact me.”

Minho can’t find the words. There’s only a handful of times he’s been speechless, and this is one of them. It’s not working out? The four years you’d been together hadn’t worked out? What the fuck did that even mean, when all you’d shared together was the happiest memories of Minho’s life.

“What’s happening?” he asks, his voice small as the flowers fall to the ground. The confusion is evident in his tone, even more so when you don’t reply and start walking towards the door.

He blocks your path, taking your arms in his hands gently. “Please talk to me. Whatever it is, I can fix it, we can fix it. Just please, please don’t leave.”

You don’t look at him, eyes trained on the ground. “It can’t be fixed.”

He interrupts you, shaking his head furiously, the tears finding their way down his face. “It can! We can fix anything, yeah? Me and you, forever, that’s what we said.”

“I’m sorry,” is all you say, rushing past him and fleeing the apartment, slamming to door behind you and leaving Minho alone.

He’ll phone you in the morning when you’re calm, he decides. He will think of whatever could be the reason you’re leaving him, and he will do everything in his power to fix it.

He sobs into his hands for the remainder of the evening.

Felix is hitting the buttons of the controller furiously, a weak attempt at beating Seungmin and Jeongin at Mario kart. It was tradition, for the boys to come round to Minho’s and yours to play games on a Friday night. Minho had, for obvious reasons, attempted to cancel, but the boys had heard none of it.

“She’s probably just going through a phase,” Seungmin says absentmindedly, eyes not leaving the screen. “She once iced me out for five days because I ate her last ice cream.”

Minho huffs. “It’s been a week, Seung. A fucking week and she’s not responded to a single one of my calls or texts. I just want to talk to her, figure out what I’ve done wrong.”

He’s felt like a shell of himself the past week. Waking up in the morning without your touch on his skin is hell and he doesn’t want to do it anymore.

“Have you cheated?” Jeongin asks with a cheeky grin. Minho sends a pillow flying at his head. “Sorry! I was kidding, I know you’d never.”

“Maybe she just needs some space,” Felix offers. “You know what you’re both like, clung to each other constantly. But, saying that, I fucking miss her too.”

“And she still owes me that shopping spree,” Seungmin adds, which Minho rolls his eyes at.

“You mean she hasn’t been texting you guys either?” He asks, confused. Seungmin was your friend long before he was Minho’s, and you were just as close with Jeongin and Felix as him. Icing him out was one thing, but leaving your friends out of the loop? Absurd.

“Nope, and if she doesn’t respond in the next week I’ll be taking the two hour trip to her family home and cussing her out,” Seungmin says, which slightly brightens Minho’s mood. The guys don’t seem to think anything of this, so why should he? He knows you, and he knows you wouldn’t waste the last four years over nothing. You’ll come back to him. You had to.

On one particularly lonely night, Minho looks through the scrapbook you’d made after a road trip with the boys. It was spontaneous, a summer idea that started as a drunken conversation and ended with the five of you packing your bags and driving three hours to a cabin by the lake.

The boys had been restless, hitting each other in the back seat and fighting over who got aux. You’d calmed them down instantly, opting to play car games as Minho drove. When you arrived at the cabin, the first thing you did was go down to the lake and feed the ducks.

“How often do you think these little guys get fed?” You’d asked him, chucking the pricey store bought food towards them. Minho had chuckled, snapping pictures of you bent down by the river side.

“I’d say pretty often. Look how fat that one is!” He pointed with a laugh. You’d swatted at him.

“Don’t fat shame the duck, you bully,” you’d laughed, making sure every single duck had eaten before standing up. “Maybe we should have a barbecue tonight! The weathers amazing, and if we leave it to those three to choose we will be going into the local town to get takeout.”

Minho smiled, pulling you into his embrace and pecking you on the lips. “That sounds great. You and Felix could make bibimbap too?”

You’d clapped your hands, kissing him before breaking away and promptly declaring a race back to the cabin.

He smiles sadly at that photo, the one of you feeding the ducks, but can’t help but laugh at the one of him, Felix, Jeongin and Seungmin in very little clothing because Jeongin thought it would be an excellent idea to play strip poker.

There’s another one, of you on Minho’s back, sticking out your tongue as he held up a peace sign, with Seungmin fake gagging in the back. No matter how much the boys teased you, he knew they loved the two of you together. Jeongin had proclaimed you as the mum and dad of their friend group, often taking care of the younger boys.

And another on the next page, a picture of Felix, items stacked on top of his body as he slept on the sofa. You’d written, ‘this is why you don’t fall asleep first after drinking!’ In the scrapbook, and he traced your handwriting with his finger.

He just wanted you back.

When Seungmin arrived back from his trip to your family home, he goes straight to Minho’s, as instructed. Minho opens the door for him, hopeful and eager. But Seungmin’s face falls.

“She wasn’t there,” he says, moving past Minho to sit on the couch.

“What do you mean she wasn’t there?” Minho asks, his tone sharp, stressed, anxious.

“I mean, when I went to the door and asked to see her, her parents said she wasn’t in,” Seungmin answers. “Said she wouldn’t be back until tomorrow, but I couldn’t stay and wait for her because I have work.”

There’s a million thoughts running through Minho’s mind. It had been two weeks now, with zero contact. He’d been despondent at work, caging himself up in his apartment that no longer smelled like you. And now Seungmin wasn’t even able to reach you.

“Do you think she’s met someone else?” He asks, barely a whisper, his worst fears making themselves known. Seungmin takes his hand, patting it.

“She wouldn’t do that to you, you know she wouldn’t,” he says assertively, which gives Minho an ounce of reassurance.

“I just want her to talk to me,” Minho sighs, shaking his head.

“Me too, Min. Me too.”

Minho (10 unopened messages)

Today

Felix

Hey Min

Hope you’re okay

I can come round later if you want

Jeongin

Bro

I hate seeing you like this

We’re gonna figure this out, yeah?

Message me back

Seungmin

I promise

I’ll get her back to you

It will be okay

You (126 unopened messages)

Today

Minho

It’s been exactly a month

Please come home to me

We can figure it out together

I love you my darling

Felix

I miss you so much

Please come back to us

Jeongin

Come on

Minho’s a mess without you

Me too

We need you

Seungmin

Get your ass back home

It’s been a fucking month

Why are you doing this do us?

Everyone misses you like death

Just come back

Minho’s walking home from work. It’s been a shit day, a disciplinary with his boss because of how distant he’s been, and all he wants to do is curl up in his bed and think about nothing.

That’s when he spots someone that looks all too familiar at the other end of the street.

It’s you. He knows it’s you walking down the street because he bought you that jacket and that beanie. And he definitely knows it’s you when he shouts your name and you turn around.

And then he’s running down the street like a madman, apologising every time he bumps into people in his attempt to catch up to you. He does so easily, which he finds strange, because you can run faster than him when you want to.

He’s out of breath when he reaches you, placing a hand on your arm as you whip round to face him.

You look tired. Pale and tired.

“Please don’t run away,” is the first thing he says, looking between your eyes as you stand there shell shocked. “Just come up to the apartment and we can talk.”

You reluctantly agree, and momentarily Minho is the happiest man in the world. Even if you didn’t want to be with him, he deserved an explanation.

The two of you walk silently to your old home, walking up the familiar stairs to your door. Minho unlocks it, closing it behind the two of you and taking a seat on the sofa, expecting you to do the same.

You don’t. You stand in front of him, fiddling with your fingers. It’s then he really takes in your appearance, and he can’t help but think you look worse than he does. Was this taking a bigger toll on you than him?

“Before…before we have this conversation,” you start, your voice small. “I need to know if you really want to hear this, because I think it’s better you don’t.”

He shakes his head. “Whatever it is, I want to know why you left me. I need to know. Don’t you think I deserve it?”

You sigh, nodding. Because Minho did deserve it, he deserved an explanation. You just didn’t want to tell him it.

“I’m ill,” you say, and Minho almost wants to laugh, because so what you’re ill? He doesn’t give a fuck, he’ll nurse you back to health.

“I’m terminally ill,” you continued, and that’s when Minho sees the tears brimming at your eyes. You pull off your beanie, and your hair is cut short. “I found out two months ago. I didn’t know what to do, but I -"

You hesitate, the tears falling from your eyes as you wipe them with the sleeves of your hoodie. “I don’t have long left. And I thought it would be better if -”

“You thought it would be better for me to not know?” Minho says angrily, the tears coming to him. You were sick. Terminally sick. And he hadn’t been able to see you for quite possibly the last month of your life. “You thought it would be better for me to sit here for a month worrying about you when I could have been by your side?”

“Minho, stop,” you cry, and he stops, because you asked him to. “I didn’t want you to see me like this. I didn’t want anyone to. I thought if you hated me for leaving you it would be easier when I’m gone.”

Minho has a lump in his throat from your words. When you’re gone.

“Nothing you could ever do could make me hate you,” he says softly, taking your hand and sitting you down on the sofa beside him, because right know he was furious but he loved you more than anything in this world. “Nothing. I just can’t believe you thought…didn’t you know I’d be there for you? Through everything?”

“That’s the problem,” you sob, burying your face in his chest. “You would have had to drop everything to take care of me, and watch me deteriorate because of this fucking illness, and I couldn’t do that to you, or the boys. I don’t want your last memories of me to be ruined.”

He placed a hand on your head, smoothing down your hair and consoling you as you both cried. It seemed like hours, you just sat there sobbing.

“How long?” Minho asks in a voice so small.

“The doctors think another month at most,” you say. “Imagine finding out you have only months to live. I had no idea I was even ill, until I passed out at work and found out…found out I was. They found it too late.”

Minho shakes his head, angry at everything in this world, with tears in his eyes. Why you? Why the love of his life, why the girl who was kinder, smarter and braver than anyone he knew. What had you ever done to deserve this? And he wished it was him. He so, wholeheartedly, wished he could take all you pain and give it to himself.

“Can you promise me one thing,” he whispers, pulling you back gently so you can face him.

“What is it?” You ask, tired and lifeless. He does hate seeing you like this, he knows you were right, but he would take seeing you like this over not seeing you at all any day.

“You let me be by your side throughout the rest of your life. Everything. Every doctors appointment, anything - I want to be there. And you call those boys and get them to come here and we will do everything we can to make you live happily,” Minho says, so sure of himself that you can’t help but nod. You should have known your boyfriend would want nothing less in this world than to be by your side.

Seungmin, Jeongin and Felix are a mess when Minho and you sit them down to tell them the truth. They all sob uncontrollably, hugging you so gently, it’s as if they think you’ll fall apart.

True to his word, Minho does not leave your side for the next month, and the boys spend as much time with you as they possibly can. Some days are harder than others, but Minho holds himself together for your sake, not letting you see him falter once.

He takes you to the beach, letting you watch him jump around in the sea. He brings the boys over to watch movies instead of play games so that you’re not overwhelmed. And when your body starts shutting down, he reads to you in the hospital, all your favourite books.

You live as happily as you can with the boys who adore you for another month and a half. You pass away peacefully, in your sleep, with Minho holding your hand, your parents beside you, and Jeongin, Felix and Seungmin in the waiting room.

“I want to start by thanking you all for coming today,” Minho says, putting on a brave face. He looks around the room that’s brimming with people, too many they had to bring in extra chairs. It was an open funeral, for anyone who wanted to attend. Your work colleagues, college friends…people even Minho didn’t recognise in which your life impacted them. And Felix, Jeongin, Seungmin and your parents in the front row.

“My girlfriend…she will continue to be the best thing that has ever happened to me. You’d never see her without a smile. She could be a stubborn thing,” Minho starts, earning a sad laugh from the crowd. “But I think anyone here can agree she had a positive impact on everyone she met. Everyone. I remember the first time Seungmin introduced me to her, she saw past my somewhat cold demeanour instantly. She saw something in me that I couldn’t see in myself, and I couldn’t help but fall in love with her.”

“She has this aura, you see, which you can’t help but to be entranced with. She always puts others before herself. She didn’t even tell me she was ill, because she didn’t want me to be burdened with her. As if she could ever be a burden to me,” Minho shakes his head, a stray tear rolling down his face.

“So, I know she wouldn’t want us to be sad for her. She would want us to think of only the happy memories we have with her, because life is too short to dwell on the negatives. And I am so lucky to have so many amazing memories with her, so lucky.”

Your parents are smiling at Minho, tears in their eyes. Felix is sobbing, Jeongin trying to hold his tears back. Seungmin smiles sadly at Minho, nodding at him to continue.

“My love, I’m sorry that you didn’t have as long as I’d hoped for you. I’m sorry we couldn’t grow old together, with a house in the suburbs and the cats you’d dreamed of. I’m sorry that we couldn’t celebrate our four year anniversary together, because happy anniversary, by the way.”

A sad chuckle carries out through the crowd. People Minho doesn’t know are crying, shaking their heads at such a cruel fate.

“Maybe in another life, my love. Rest easy.”

Through the rest of the day, Minho receives hugs, apologies, and condolences. He’s told he carried himself well and his speech was beautiful. He thanks them kindly. When they bury you, he’s a mess, Seungmin by his side with Felix and Jeongin clinging to each other too. When everyone starts to disperse, your parents lay flowers on your grave, taking a couple minutes to say goodbye. When they’re finished, they ask the boys if they’d like to say a few words, standing to talk to Minho as they do so.

When they come back, tears staining their faces, Seungmin nods at Minho. He walks away from the crowd of people and sits beside your grave, placing his own bouquet beside the others. Lillies, babies breath and tulips.

“I don’t know how much more I can say without bawling my eyes out again,” Minho chuckles sadly. He can picture you laughing and shaking your head at him. “But I just wanted to thank you, for everything. All the happiness you brought to me. It’s going to be tough as fuck to move on in life without you, but I promise you, I will not waste it. See what you’ve done to me? I was such a cynical prick before I met you, and now here I am, promising to make the most of my life.”

Minho wipes at his eyes, taking a deep breath. “I never got the chance to do this, but fucking hell I wish I had. I hope there’s an alternate universe out there where I had.”

He pulls a box from his jacket pocket, opening it up and looking momentarily at the ring shining back at him.

“I’ll never forget you, my love,” he says, placing the box amongst the flowers.

He stands up then, walking back toward the boys and your parents. Seungmin hugs him, holding his arm as they walk away. Minho spends the rest of the day sharing stories and laughs with the people close to you, remembering your life with fondness and happiness you deserve. He would always hate the world for what it did to you, but he could never hate it for letting you be by his side, until your last moments.

Till death do us part, my love.

i cried writing this.

#stray kids #lee know #skz #stray kids angst #stray kids sad #stray kids reactions #stray kids minho #lee minho x you #lee minho x reader #minho lee #lee minho #skz au #stray kids au

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