WUPDATE: Desecrate

𝚆𝚎𝚍𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚍𝚊𝚢, 𝙼𝚊𝚛𝚌𝚑 𝟼𝚝𝚑 || 𝙱𝙴𝚃 𝚈𝙾𝚄 𝚃𝙷𝙾𝚄𝙶𝙷𝚃 𝙸 𝙵𝙾𝚁𝙶𝙾𝚃

sorry for stepping away for a few weeks, there were a couple things happening in my life that required my full attention!

BUT I'M BACK!!! (a lil bit late BUT THAT'S OKAY) and I come with news!

I was accepted into Lavender Con! It's a new book convention in Washington, DC that's coming up in June! I will be attending as an author with 2 days of signing time for Call Me Icarus! I will also be bringing a couple proofs of Incorrect Eyes, I might even give them out as ARCs!!

Incorrect Eyes is entering revisions! I stopped working on it for a few weeks to let it ruminate while some alpha readers looked at it. Not all of my readers have come back to me at this point, but I have enough feedback that I want to start working on it and get it rolling!

Desecrate is entering re-writes! I have a decent amount written from last spring when I used Desecrate as my final project for Starting A Novel. Since then, I have changed a lot of things including the entirety of Kit's personality, so the story is going into full re-writes!

I have a new project on my plate! I had the idea for a cozy fantasy that I would love to work on in the background as a way to sort of decompress from my heavy hitters (a.k.a. my stories about: rebellion & revolution, paranoia & body horror, and the deconstruction of religion & religious trauma). This is a background work so I don't wanna talk too much on it, but i'm very excited about it!!

I think that covers most of what's going on! I spent a lot of time developing a (nearly 10k word) plot outline for desecrate and we're going back in from square one!

But I know y'all are here for the snippies:

snippies are going to be a little bit different moving forward now that the news of tumblr feeding our posts to AI has come out. I've already opted out of this happening again, but just in case tumblr is a soulless corporation (it is), I am still going to remain cautious. That means the snippies I share will now be from early drafts of my stories and will not be the same as they appear on page. They might also be shorter! but I don't want to stop sharing all-together

from desecrate:

Kit feels emotions thick in the back of his throat as he walks through the home. Everything has been left untouched, covered by a light layer of dust from the year of vacancy. It’s a good thing he doesn’t have a lot to move in, there isn’t much room left. “Whoa, are these all you?” Benny asks from across the room. Ah yes, the Kit wall. His mother had installed it in the house before they moved to the city, leaving his papa here alone. It’s the far wall of the living room and it’s filled with hundreds of photos, all of him from the time of his birth up until the day they moved about a decade ago. Kit walks over to join Benny just as Father Isaac comes up behind them, resting his hands on their shoulders (Kit & Benny are shoulder to shoulder w/ father Isaac between then but behind them family portrait style). His eyes scan over his youth photographed before him. Pictures of him as an infant in the frilly dresses his mom made him wear, pictures from every year of ballet he did, pictures from ever sport he ever participated it. “Oh my God!” Benny gasps. “Kitty, you never told me that you were a cheerleader?” In her hand is a picture from 8th grade, the year before they moved. The year before kit’s life changed. A pang of sadness resounds through Kit’s heart as he looks at the picture. He was happy, truly happy then. He misses those much simpler times when he didn’t know who he was but that didn’t matter, that didn’t stop him from doing what he loved to do with the people he loved.

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07/25/2023

Thinking about how part of my deconstruction journey was when I added a fake religion to my fantasy book, then had the uncomfortable realization of how easy it is to just make up an entire half-assed religion on the spot because it didn’t sound all that different from what I believed in real life. 

Now I’m an agnostic atheist who gives their characters religious trauma.  Write what you know I guess lol

Fallen Angel by daylyte04

i cannot explain how much kristen needs to change her marketing tactic

she keeps going around and saying that cassandra is the goddess of mystery and doubt and the night, but thats not quite true. cassandra is the goddess of finding safety in the unknown. of not being afraid of doubt.

she is the belief that even if you don't know where you are or what to do, if you are lost and alone in a dark forest, there will be something on the other side, and all you have to do is get there. Cassandra is the goddess of staring into the cold, uncaring void and feeling a warm hand clasp your own, of a whisper in your ear saying youre going to be okay. you aren't alone. it is going to be scary and hard and uncertain, but you will never be on your own because i am here with you. you will never be lost because i know where you are

I don't think Buddy asks Helio any questions.

Kristen asked 'Why do bad things happen to good people?' because she believed in all the good things she was taught, but noticed the strange disconnect between the world as it was and the world as it was taught to her. So she thought, surely, if I can't come up with the answer, Helio will have it. And she hates him for dodging her question.

Buddy is far more deluded than Kristen ever was. And he is far, far angrier inside as a result, even if he deliberately conceals this fact from himself to protect himself from the inevitable mental breakdown this would cause. Buddy is not as altruistic and giving and caring as Kristen is. He wouldn't question why he was betrayed or dig into a question like 'Why do bad things happen to good people?' Those aren't the answers he needs, because of course he'd be betrayed by someone outside the church, that makes perfect sense. Of course bad things happen to good people, we simply live in a fallen world.

Or, well. He used to live in a fallen world. Now he's dead here. In Helio's divine domain.

I think Buddy, as he wanders through fields of corn to the big farmhouse where Helio is chilling out, privately thinks about the fact that Kristen Applebees' horrified expression was the last thing he ever saw before a sharp pain in his throat. I think Buddy assumes Helio knows he's thinking this and apologizes for bringing thoughts like that into paradise. I think he thanks Helio for recognizing his devotion and bringing him here once he died and dutifully deceives himself about his own rising emotions at contending with the fact that he's dead now.

After all, he was raised to die. He was raised to want to die.

To want to be here with his god whenever it was he called Buddy to him. So he doesn't feel upset, no, of course not. He's just a little surprised at how sudden it was. (How completely random. How unceremonious and unfair.) He's a little bit worried how his grandparents would react to the news is all. (He cracks a joke that maybe he'll see them here shortly after they do get the news. He doesn't laugh at it.) He had his own plans for how he'd spread the good word in life, but of course, Helio had other plans. (Nothing Buddy ever wanted really mattered. He knew that, he knew the will of Helio was the real thing that mattered, and everything else was just a small list of preapproved extracurriculars in the syllabus of his life.)

He can't be upset about this.

He shouldn't be upset about this.

This is his reward.

This place and these people and this god are his reward for a life of service and devotion and walking in the light.

It's not his place to be upset about his own reward. Kristen got upset when she went to heaven, when she met Helio, and look where that got her.

Look... look where that got her.

He thinks he hates her. For looking at him like that. All the ways she looked at him. Like he was something pitiful and contemptible. Someone she needed to threaten away from her little brother. Someone she has to double and triple check if he's going to revive her when he's under magical oath to do just that or lose his connection to a divinity she threw away after being chosen.

And then. In that last moment, she looked at him and he saw grief and horror and caring. Like his death was awful and unfair and tragic.

And he thinks maybe he hates her for that. For challenging him every conversation they had and looking at him like she knew something he didn't. Like she was above him. Like killing your own god twice in life is a preferable fate to living for the promise of eternal sunlight and cornbread in death. A promise which was kept to him.

Kristen was promised to Helio, too.

And he can't unsee her face. He can't move along and focus on what truly matters (Helio, the church, spreading the word, doling out divine punishment when needed) because he's reached the end. There is nothing left. Only this bright sunny cornfield and a god who... is nice. And who cares about him, personally. He got Buddy's name wrong the first and only time they held audience.

He thinks he hates Kristen, and he hates that that hatred isn't immediately squashed out of his soul just by being here. In paradise. Where he belongs. Where every follower of Helio belongs. Where he never has to have anyone look at him the way Kristen did ever again.

I don't think Buddy Dawn asks Helio any questions. Because how do you ask the god you devoted every waking minute of your life to, 'Why do I hate it here? Why does this feel like hell?'

(There's a part 2 now that the next ep is out >:3)

I want to kidnap and tie up my boy, stuff his mouth with his soaking panties so he can't scream as I take him away. Tell him he's mine and only mine forever as I collar him up, scratch my name into every single one of his limbs, make him only see me

Fuck him until he's unconscious, pump his holes full of my cum, make him only want me, need me, love me. I'll keep him forever as my beloved pet, my beloved boy until I'm his entire world, his shining light and god

what's so interesting about religion in the dnd world is that since their deities are proven real, religion isn't a matter of faith, but a matter of patronage. it's a matter of "i like this deity/ruleset/thing better". it's like sports teams.

kristen, meanwhile, has a deity who may very well be gone. dead. so not only is she already one of the most skilled clerics to have ever lived--she's resurrected herself from the dead, and single-handedly created gods--but she's got a religious one-up on every other priest, cleric, etc. out there, even though her religion has a total population of 1 person:

kristen applebees is quite literally the only cleric to practice actual faith.

god. the way kristen's parents lit up when she asked if she could go to church with them again makes me feel sick. the way they instantly softened and became so much more open and engaged. thinking about the cold way my mother treated me when she found out i told my friend i didn't think i believed in god anymore in high school in contrast with the way she treats me when i go to church with her and my little sister. the way the illusion was broken as soon as bucky wanted to look at the shards. what if i threw up!!

So a thought has been kicking around my head for a bit...what if Helio knew exactly what he was signing up for by making Kristen his chosen one?

It has always struck me as odd that when describing Doreen in Helioic heaven, Brennan mentioned her flirting with men and women. It also strikes me as odd that Kristen never got any pushback from Helio about turning her back on him. Even if he was similarly 'out of the picture' like sol was while Arthur was wrecking havoc, Kristen's powers should have faded when she fully committed to not worshipping him. You need to worship a god to get powers, and this is emphasized heavily in the latest episode. Kristen worshipping the vague idea of religion but Definitely Not Helio just doesn't cut it. Sure, taking away a PCs powers wasn't really in the cards in season one, but Brennan works very well and very caringly with what he has to establish as canon.

Kristen was looking for a reason to drop Helio from the get-go. His frat boy appearance and non-answer to a nearly impossible question didn't truly matter at the core of her feelings. She wanted an out from the prison she was trapped in with the Helioic faith, even if she didn't realize it fully. She had tension with her mom and her ideals from the scene one! She wanted to connect with people the church actively shunned. Helio was never the true problem.

Now, gods are shaped by their worshippers. So on some level Helio is shaped by people with shitty ideals. But there's still a foothold of good, especially if there are out and proud gays in heaven. Especially if Kristen Applebees of all people is the chosen one.

When you have worshippers misinterpreting your whole deal, going with Sol's shitty messaging and transferring it onto you and using it for bad things, what can you do as a god? Because you ARE what they say you are. So how can you fight back?

Well. You make your chosen one someone that embodies your true heart. Someone that can actually turn the tides of your worship.

There is an emphasis on tracker reinventing and revitalizing her religion. Changing it for the better. Taking the old and not tossing it out, but making it better.

Isn't that what Kristen struggles with the most? That's what she needs to learn how to do.

Tracker also established that she can worship multiple gods when she helped with Yes?. Kristen doesn't need to settle for one even if she (fingers crossed) brings Kassandra back.

Because the season opened with the slow apocalypse of endless night. Endless daytime would end similarly. There has to be a balance. They are two sides of the same coin. Day and night. The surety of the sun and the doubt of the shadows.

Kristen wants both. And she can fucking have it if she decides to.

Ally once said they appreciate that the enemy is always the church. Organized religion. Kristen is perfect for disorganized religion though. Chill frat boy vibes and anxious doubts and the ultimate message of 'just do your best'.

I think religious trauma is a compelling, close to the heart topic for a lot of people. And some turn away from religion entirely and wash their hands of it. But some people don't. Kristen is a cleric. She can't. She wants a god, she wants answers, and she just can't find them in the established community she was raised in. That doesn't mean the core of her religion was wrong. The church was. So you take the religion and you harness it in a way that means something to you.

Maybe Kristen being desperate enough to invite Helio back into her life is what this has all been leading to.

She can remake a god. She's done it before. Because Kassandra was good at the core. Maybe Helio can be too.

For someone who is chosen, it is awfully easy to throw them away

sold to @ultrainfinitequest !!!! thank you so much!

UNIDENTIFIED FUCKING THING!!! $25 minimum, highest offer at the end of next week will own it [: don't be afraid to offer the minimum, I understand! paypal or ko-fi only, apologies!

saving for uni, share if you want to!!

WUPDATE: Desecrate

Wednesday, April 3rd || I'm Gonna Become Stabby

Okay so starting off strong here: my laptop died this weekend. I had a meltdown friday when it bluescreened, eating ~10k words between my short stories and Desecrate. Thought that would be the worst of it, then when I recovered some of my writing the whole thing died. I panicked for a while on what to do, and honestly we're still figuring it out. For now, I'm using my iPad to write on while waiting for my work's IT to revive my laptop (or give me a new one. i refuse to hold on hope that it will be revived)

All in all, this past week and a half have been hell for me. But, a hell I can tolerate, seeing as I wrote a lot these past few days. I'm not pulling up my iPad right now, but I'm somewhere around 12.5k words on Desecrate!

I also made some announcements on twt and insta for Easter, the biggest of which is for Desecrate: a tentative date for the cover reveal. Hopefully maybe potentially May 9th, Ascension.

I can't guarantee that as I don't have the cover in my hands yet, but that's the day we're shooting for!

Anyways, on to some snippies!

It’s a quick thing, jacking off in the shower. But Kit doesn’t find the release he was desperately hoping for. The need for something more wiggles under his skin, leaving his unsatisfied as he finishes up in the shower and towels himself down. Shame crawls it’s way up his throat as he stands naked in front of the mirror. Shame at what he just did in the shower, shame at the fact that it wasn’t enough for him, at the way his body looks—no longer resembling the woman his mother sees him as, but not resembling a man either. Kit runs his fingers over his scars, twins under his pectorals and a large vertical scar leading from his belly button down. Proof that he believed God made a mistake, evidence of his Sin. Kit is lost in his thoughts when he feels it, a faint and cold touch on his chest. Sharp claws tracing the pattern of his scars, running over the ridges and making him shiver. When the phantom touch dives to trace his hysterectomy scar, he thinks he can hear that strange melody from his dream again. “In my image…”

and one more for good measure because I love Benny:

Kit blushes and leans his head back into the water to rinse his hair. “Yeah, him. He found out I’m back in town and came over to say ‘hi’.” “Looks like he said more than 'hi' if the bruises around your neck are anything to go by,” her voice is teasing, a smirk on her face as she ribs him. “Shut up,” Kit squeaks, raising a hand to touch the sensitive skin. “Anyways, he came over. We did some catching up. I woke up to a cold bed after having another weird ass dream.”

TAGLIST

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08/11/2023 | The "Savior King"

It's funny how when I was a Christian everything had to be an allegory for God. Every moral lesson had to be on the nose or else you were in the dangerous realm of "glorifying sin".

There are themes of messages I don't believe in anymore all throughout my old manuscript that I now have to rework. The biggest being that of the "Savior King" (A bit of a deus ex machina that appears in the second book.) He was supposed to come in and fix things for my characters, to make things easier. He was a testament to what I believed at the time, a condescending message of hope to my audience: "Fear not, reader, Someone is coming to save us. If you just believe."

But I don't believe that anymore. Not in a morbid way (well, maybe in a bit of a morbid way) but more in the way that it's simply not realistic. As a species, we cannot count on anyone to pick our asses up and save us from ourselves. That is, except for us.

And here I see blooming a new theme for Ellis. He is not a Savior. He is simply a man; Doing the work, caring for his fellow humans. Breaking generational traditions, becoming better than the people who came before him, despite the fact that to call it an uphill climb would be an understatement. These types of people are the true saviors. Not because they are perfect, or because they sweep in and fix absolutely everything. But because they do the best they can to leave the world a better place than they found it.

Messianic Delirium, sculpture by Emil Melmoth

This artist on Instagram

Misfit by Thomas Grunfeld

getting some responses on my post about kristen and her parents conversation, specifically the "isn't it kinda funny that helio chose you and you were the one to bring the daytime back" and I think it's really interesting how different people responded to it like. maybe it's because I live in the southern united states but. there is a lot of religion, specifically christianity, as that is the obvious analogue to the helioic faith, that is downright evil, I agree. and obviously the prevalence of it is harmful to a lot a lot a lot of people, just as it's harmful to kristen in fiction.

but you have to understand that the individual people are deluded, they genuinely believe what they're doing is right. it's really easy to be like "ugh they sicken me it makes me so mad" in a theoretical sense but. do you have drive through workers wishing you a blessed day. do you have people see your kt tape and offer to pray for your pain to go away. like. idk I just think we have to have a little bit of compassion and understanding for people that are so entrenched in their faith that they do truly believe from the bottom of their heart that what they're preaching is true. especially in a world where divine magic is real!! kristen TALKED to helio. she makes literal miracles happen on the daily. so faith in that world is gonna be heightened to a crazy degree.

obviously I condemn their human-supremacy and their cult practices etc etc etc but in that little moment I felt for the applebees. it didn't make me mad or disgusted or annoyed. it made me sad. because they saw their daughter perform a miracle of the sun and it meant nothing to her. that "that doesn't feel special at all to you?" wasn't from a place of arrogance. they weren't lauding it over kristen. they were pleading. begging her to see it from their eyes: she is the chosen one. she is a prophet of helio and has been doubting and they want what's best for her. she's their savior. she brought the sun back from the endless night. that doesn't feel special at all to you?