#posting it here on tumblr first ill throw it in my other socials because im very tired today | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

alicezan-ncgred · 5 years

Text

Bleeding Red

Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.

TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.

Time for the thick and thin of it.

Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it’s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.

The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.

With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.

The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.

Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.

I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.

I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.

Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul, only one has a happy meaning.

The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.

I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.

Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.

Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative.

People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this.

I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too.

I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin.

Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better.

This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.

The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.

OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression.

On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.

I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that.

Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD, Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.

You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind.

My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue.

The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt.

Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly.

Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling.

Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode.

I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell.

#Long post #tw: suicide #TW: Depression #Trigger Warning #TW #OCD #Anxiety #Chronic Depression #Bipolar Disorder #Bipolar #Mental Health #My mental health

7 notes · View notes

hontou-baka · 5 years

Text

a post.

been awhile, hasnt it, tumblr.

i have a fair amount of followers, half of which are probably old spam and porn accounts, so i doubt anyone will read this and i doubt anyone cares. venting, self indulgence, i guess.

im not sure if im back. i hope not. not to sound condescending, but im trying to spend my time doing meaningful and purposeful stuff. tumblr is just another social media app that sucks up my time when procrastinating. but i might try to get back into art, and tumblr is maybe the best place to put that, so.... idfk.

i came back once, fleetingly, when white diamond was revealed- knowing tumblr was my best place for content and info and craving it. same goes for right now. i just finished the homestuck epilogues and needed to see others thoughts, some content, i need it for my own catharsis.

ill give my hot take on the epilogues. im sure you could already tell what my opinion is from the posts ive shared. to my relief, this seems to what the majority of others are feeling, too (based on my scrolling through the homestuck epilogue tag for a few hours). they were fucking awful. felt like an edgelord's "pain is the epitome of human emotion" fanfic. it solidified my feeling that hussie no longer cares about homestuck. no, it confirmed to me that he violently LOATHES homestuck, and perhaps even (or especially) its fanbase.

i always thought homestuck would be the most important thing to me. it was, ever since i started reading it 6 or so years ago. there will never be anything that even comes close to what homestuck was for me. it was the only thing that kept me alive through some of the hardest parts of my childhood. i made some great friends at the time because of it (not that any of them stuck around). i was planning on doing homestuck cosplays for the rest of my cosplay existence, to prove that homestuck was still my #1. i wanted to get homestuck tattoos once i was free of debt!

but the ending of homestuck left me bitter. imo, the fandoms bullshit and the hiveswap fuckery left no love in hussies heart for his creation. he wanted it over, and just ended it. but nobody was satisfied with that of course, including me. so i was ecstatic to hear there would be an epilogue. but as weeks, months, years went by with nothing... i began to accept that wed probably never get epilogues. id just love homestuck for what it was, be salty about the ending, and that was that.

then, they came.

reading the epilogue tags, i thought they were a joke, just as many others did. it sounded like every sensitive subject that could ever be tagged was in there, including shit that just seemed ludicrous. but i persisted, like a fool, desperate for the sburb-logo hole on my heart to be filled.

the prologue already gave me so many red flags. my husband had hope, liked where it was going. a huge time skip, ten years we just have to accept went by. all of the characters had drifted apart so bad it was jarring. johns depression and mistakes and regret was daunting. everything felt so off.

and it only got worse. i started with candy. i was confused that thered even be the option all written out for john to stay. at first, i thought i was going to get some good ship shit. rosemary was the only good thing about candy. johnroxy started, took the fuck off, then just... it all fell apart. not a singe character consistently behaved in a way that felt like a natural progression of the characters we followed for so many years. what was the point of jane becoming trumphilter? to angstily show the duality of man? what was the point of all of the weird ass sex? it just feels like such a forced thing, like "oh, everyones grown up now! gotta fuck, and dont you dare even THINK any of it is going to be vanilla fluff and not.... anything but that...."

im not usually one to get upset over content that most find triggering, unless its real or shown in a very real way. but, for example, i honestly felt sick when dirk killed himself. i could go on about candy but it just felt like there was so much bait for a semblance of happiness, just to make it all as bad as possible.

meat was worse. hastily attempting to tie up plot points (like lord english) while also making dirk akuma homura...

also, apparently the author of family never ends had a hand in this? ive never been one for fan fiction, but for some reason i read that one, and it fucked me up. bad. i had the worst bout of depression and even suicidal thoughts for the first time in a while because of that fic. so, it feels like hussie wanted to recruit some ruthless-ass people to make something to intentionally hurt the people who demanded so much of him for a work he clearly hates now.

i... i think i dont like homestuck anymore, EXCLUSIVELY because of this. it feels like im throwing away one of the biggest parts of myself. it hurts so much, i feel so, SO betrayed. i would rather hussie have just announced he no longer had passion for homestuck, give us a shitty .txt file of a true ending (or the gist of one), and have left it there. but i guess that wouldnt have made him money now that viz bought the franchise.

i think, i will not come back to tumblr. it hurts. i had plenty of reasons for leaving, including everyone dipping out of homestuck. and i have other interests now that just dont align with the tumblr ive made and the followers i have (not like, core shit like lgbt+ rights or anything, im just really into health/fitness and particularly nutrition and i doubt my followers signed up for that plot twist). without homestuck, its even more just a painful past that haunts me here.

thanks for everything, if anyone ever even reads this. it was fun while it lasted.

-Hanna, aka hungoverterezipyrope

#i dont even remember my personal tag anymore...#the sickest thing about all of this is i will might always keep up with homestuck.#if i come back- it will be a completely new account #with no fandoms. just health and fitness and nutrition and shit like that i guess.

2 notes · View notes

explodingdisgust-blog · 6 years

Text

The Muran Hordes I

Following on from: https://plus.google.com/114999809330885155321/posts/cXHoqpEPMYy (archive[dot]fo[slash]PN6WJ)

@marshax-marshmallow

I’ve said this before, ill say this again. On my Tumblr, or nowhere. I will address your points there, since it’s a place i’m active on and the formatting is better for me to debate things.

Sorry, did you forget something? Your old 'this is the internet' excuse? As I've said before, I don't give a fuck about where it happens. And since you bill yourself as being so 'controversial' and partisan in the particular way that any reactionary does, you are a fucking weakling by your own standards. Don't tell me that I don't know about the pride that contrarian reactionaries have when invading new spaces of discussion and spaces of thought: it's happened to liberal talking points (even in academic circles: is Peter Singer not an example of someone who is dangerously close to biological reductionism, the kernel of racism?); it's happened to 4chan (/pol/ was filled with Swarmfront shills); it's happened to YouTube with the rise of the 'skeptics' who have accelerated rightwards. So okay, LET'S FUCKING SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT. I’ll turn up in both places just so you don’t run away from what I’m saying.

Remember, though: you don't go to see reality; it comes out of nowhere and gives you a punch in the face - so don't cry about how you've got a nosebleed in this metaphorical sense. It is just like how I had completely forgotten that you were on G+. But here I am, dealing with you anyway.

People who are reading Birdie’s G+ most often aren’t here to read some rando’s papers on Marxism and Sexual freedom, and I bet Sophia doesn’t want these things spamming her notifications. My blog is where I express those kinds of things, some people read it, either out of hate or genuine interest. I agree that you want discussion and I want too, and thats why i’m saying we should take this somewhere its most likely to happen.

All you're telling me is that people don't want my walls but that says NOTHING about what they contain. Who's the fucking contrarian now, Marsha? Huh? Who's on the side of what you - and if you're right about them, all the others - want to repress? Again, so much for being so radical.

I know that this is not a dedicated thread in any sense besides the fact that I have set many of the topics but I don't care because I am here, right now, discussing this. If you really want discussion, you'll do it here with me right now. I can fuck off to Tumblr, yes, but you should know EXACTLY why I continue on G+.

You want to go into my pathologies? Fine, I'm one step ahead of you. I also do this right here because people are obviously going to see how ridiculous I seem. I mean, what the fuck? I'm posting small essays in several comment threads underneath posts which are associated with some pubescent lolcow's pathetic attempts at being funny, edgy and critical. Of course I'm going to seem like I'm a mug. THAT IS THE POINT. But you can't get rid of people like me and what I'm saying: I know that it will haunt all of you. I want you to go further and fill in what I haven't. You don't like my calls to discuss because you want 'fun' in your online bubble, but the very reasoning behind why something is 'fun' isn't a settled matter and I will confront you on that.

After all, even if I balloon into a major lolcow (if I'm not already one!), I know what might happen. Some of the users refer to some lolcows as 'cultcows' because they gain a cult-like following from their particular stalkers and trolls. You know being a cultcow can be turned to one's advantage with some major sacrifices, right? Like how Chris-Chan retains their fame? I have the pathology of a sort of 'sacrificial catalyst'; that is why I stay here. Not quite a martyr (so you won't see me getting the equivalent of '72 virgins' any time soon; I have much better things to do than submit to a disgusting cult and waste everything that I have), but far more willing to do something for what I believe in than cowardly little you. I have so many kinks to work out and numerous torturous self-imposed programmes to go through. I don't want any of your fucking guilt, but I can turn your own pathologies against you and watch you cry as I exceed your ability by your own standards. So go on, fucking outdo me. Have a great time. Make it a special occasion. ‘Controversial’ my arse.

So please, take your arguments there or stop talking to me, cause I won’t answer. Hell, you can even copy paste what you’ve said here so we can continue, but please. You dont even need to use your account afterwards.

You think I don’t know how this works? You’ll set your sex-obsessed friends on me and when you have no arguments left, you’ll spam the fuck out of me and then introduce me to all sorts of horrible people who’ll do their best to shut me down. I don’t even care any more to some extent. Prove me wrong, I dare you.

But of course, now that I’m here, you’re gonna have to actually tackle my earlier points. You don’t get to run away from those, either. And if you do get your friends involved, neither do they get to run.

Earlier posts from the G+ thread (first post first):

@marshax-marshmallow :

im glad you're finally standing for what you believe in, birdo everyone in this goddamn community thinks all dark humor makes terrible things look cool but it couldn't be farther from the truth, if you dont actually believe in what youre saying and treat everyone with respect, you're fine. also, if you have a rape fetish that's okay too, because as long as everything is in your head, you're not harming anyone. rape is a fetish because it's taboo, and if you think all rape fetishists think rape is okay in real life you are so terribly wrong. i cant express how proud i am of you

@explodingdisgust :

WELL, WELL, WELL. If it's not the contrarian little shit that I've been monitoring for the last few weeks. I've seen what you do and I've archived your precious Tumblr; do you think you can get away from your bullshit? Not when I'm around. "everyone in this goddamn community thinks all dark humor makes terrible things look cool but it couldn't be farther from the truth" Their sensitivities and lack of appreciation for the critical part of your contrarianism is not an excuse for the rest of your contrarianism to be upheld. You have made a serious position out of the 'opposite' of common Western-liberal-enlightenment values of 'decency'. I've seen your at-least-ironic racism in the first few pages of your Tumblr and I wonder whether you've changed at all. Of course, I remain quite pessimistic about that considering your 'innocent' and nonchalant response to RibChills telling you to stop sexualising her fursona. These fuckers throw the baby out with the disgusting bathwater whereas you cling onto both. I'll get to your excuses soon enough; don't think that I won't utterly demolish your entire worldview. "if you dont actually believe in what youre saying and treat everyone with respect, you're fine." Right, because respect is reducible to maintaining standards of decency while maintaining fetishes and horrific pathologies in one's own private space? And where did such ideas for such thoughts, pathologies and fetishes come from? You will tell me that it is 'human nature', that it is innate, but no biological structure (including the brain) can account for the limitless quantities and qualities of thoughts that we could possibly have. In fact, if you were to say that you were actually and inevitably controlled by brain chemicals or anything else that isn't you as a rational individual, then this idea of what you've said would be owed to such chemicals - but there is no proof that the brain structures or anything else that isn't at the level of reason itself can account for it and has simply been left hiding for all these thousands of years that human thought has been changing for. ANY FETISH IS ABOUT REASON ALONE, and the particular manifestation of this one is contrarianism - a love of what one is denied by those who follow and construct the most dominant values in societies. But because reason is intersubjective and comes from other subjects - after all, no ideas are innate, they are all communicated otherwise right now we would be able to understand the greats of philosophy in our toddler years - it cannot be something that's simply private. It can get into the 'private' domain and it can run out - ideology is reproduced memetically by us as rational subjects. Everything becomes framed in terms of rape or whatever fetishes become dominant. Rape becomes accepted and eventually it seems inevitable (just like capitalism) to the extent that it would be easier to imagine the end of the world than the end of that social phenomenon. But if people 'accept' the conditions of hypersexuality which come with the rape fetish, this is not necessarily a free choice because they are in the chains of what is socially-expected of them. Even though we are not conclusively-determined by our biology or by the laws of atomic physics, we ARE determined by movements in the social field which we too determine. The social field is inescapable and all-encompassing for rational beings (in our time, humans)! I advise you to read the works of Lacan and other psychoanalysts in matters like these. ALL of your empirical evidence about 'rape fetishists being decent people' or whatever's relevant that you want to prove only impresses those who uncritically accept the bourgeois-liberal idea of the split between the public and 'private' domains. Again, as I have shown, there is no such split. This is known to Marxists, who understand that we are not reducible to 'individuals and families' as Margaret Thatcher was an idiot to suggest. At the very least, a particular fetish is the dark reflection of the society in which one is brought up - and we are indeed brought up in a society where postmodern contrarians - neo-reactionaries and fascists of all stripes, 'progressive' or not - are in a frenzy of rebellion against ageing and self-destructive liberal values. Their solution is your solution: the uncritical acceptance of the simple negative of the old values. 'Sex is only a bit of fun, like you say, but we should embrace that instead of being all serious like you say!' And so it is with outright racism, sexism, all sorts of other things. You and the other cunts are the flies who buzz in the face of the old liberals - you are at war with yourselves over which of your identities can win out (e.g. Tumblr 'SJWs' and 'neo-Nazis' from 8chan would have serious disagreements over which groups' identities matter the most but they agree with the basic premises of a general segregationism; they feel that people are intrinsically hard-wired to behave in certain ways, for example). The paradox is that this is a very serious position for you. Yes, contrarianism is a conversion of an initial critical reaction to a given set standards into another standard position which is the simple negative of the old one. You put all your weight behind supporting 'what exists and should not exist' instead of changing the field entirely and being too contrarian for your own contrarianism. Liberals cede political ground to such identity politics because they are forced to defend free speech and uphold the domain of the 'private', which is part of the excuse that the new reactionaries use against them. But you are not reading the words of a liberal here, Marsha. I AM A PROUD AND PARTISAN MARXIST and I am not afraid to hold you or anyone else responsible for what you say as a rational subject. I seek to qualitatively-change standards, taking the best from everything in a similar way to Lacan's borrowing from other philosophers. I know that 'standing on the shoulders of giants' is what we need to do rather than 'forget everything and go full reverse gear'. This is infinitely more horrifying for you than the old conservative 'get it out of my face' mentality: I HAVE FOUND REASON TO BE BORED OF CONTRARIAN FETISHES, EVEN THE CRITICAL DIMENSION THAT THEY MIGHT HAVE. The upshot is that you are throwing VERY DANGEROUS IDEAS into childrens' minds, stripping the ideas of all critical content that they might have while branding whatever remains as hip, contrarian and critical. You want people to accept what they are trying to repress and embrace it as if it won't do anything. Sorry, Marsha. IT FUCKING WELL WILL, and you know it. Go and fuck right off from this place or be ready for another wall of text. You're not going to get away without someone shattering your excuses one-by-one. I guess it's just the internet, huh?

@marshax-marshmallow :

can you speak common english? I understood half of what you said because you feel the need to constantly bring up the Big Boy Political Labels instead of calling things for what they are, not to mention the 'holier than thou' language you parade. No, me defending free thought isn't "a spit in the face of the old western liberal contrarian ideals" or whatever and you being a PROUD, PRO LACAN AND PARTISAN MARXIST has nothing to do with any of this. Cut that bullshit, go straight to the point. And if you want people to engage in your debate, make it easy and precise for them to understand, especially since this is *Birdie's Google+* Do that, on my tumblr, and i'll try to debate with you. But I doubt you could do that without getting off your high horse

@marshax-marshmallow :

+RainbowDashie Artist Wikipedia doesn't bring up unrelated issues and neither does it use long and eloquent speech redundantly

@explodingdisgust :

So because people have NO FUCKING CLUE as to how to use dictionaries, literature and videos, I'm going to have to fucking explain everything all over again. Fucking shoot me, I do not like doing this but I consider myself ethically-bound to do so not only because I am a Marxist but because I have to try to give a bunch of kids a critical leg-up, as it were. But I will remain here to remind you that your arguments ARE DEAD and there are no two ways about it. "can you speak common english? I understood half of what you said" Right, because you can't even use one of those dictionaries that's been written by liberals let alone confront the vast tomes of thought that I am currently studying. And of course, you can't even be bothered to tell me what it is about my post that you don't understand - your only hint is that you're unfamiliar with the terminology. To everyone who isn't mentally-handicapped or a bourgeois ideologue - this is precisely the laziness of the neo-fascists! If you're serious about your position, why the fuck aren't you gonna make a much harder and more detailed defence of it? "because you feel the need to constantly bring up the Big Boy Political Labels instead of calling things for what they are," You'll be shocked to hear this but I am indeed "calling things for what they are". I am doing my best to step away from much of the horrific psychoanalytic and political terminology in my explanations of such terminology when I do include them in my work so that I'm not appearing to tailspin in the dense bodies of thought which I have confronted over the years. For example, do you not know what I mean when I make the distinction between the 'public and private domains' given the ubiquity of this sort of liberal concept? It should be very clear that the 'private domain' is simply the social world of humans (or more generally, of rational beings - a category whose only known members are humans) at the level of individuals. Come on, did you understand my use of the Margaret Thatcher quote - her erroneous judgement that society is simply 'individuals and families'? Is that 'Big Boy' enough for you, huh? What about the 'simple negation' of Western-liberal-Enlightenment values - or more simply put, of 'conservative' values? I mean 'simple negation' here in a sense that anyone who's understood Hegel, Marx and Engels in even the slightest fashion can understand it: it is simply a particular 'not' of the prevailing values around a preconceived axis - that instead of rape fetishism being a taboo, 'it's fine and doesn't even harm anyone'; that instead of ironic racism being unspeakable, 'it's nothing like that; it's absolutely fine and it's just a joke'; that instead of repressing and trying to minimise sexuality and confining it to the private space of desire, 'it's completely fine to be hypersexual and it's fucking fun too'. It is not a complete change of values, taking the best from both the proposed worldviews and discarding parts of them where they are 'both worse' and constitute a 'double blackmail'. Your particular 'simple negation' accepts much of liberal philosophy and comes to reactionary, fascistic conclusions: the hypersexual and supposedly-hedonistic libertinism (look that up) of the private domain is to be brought into public view and then celebrated as something inevitable and fun, even among children. To go a bit Zizekian: the opponents that you recognise, the conservative defenders of 'decency', have taken the blue pill because for them 'none of this overtly-sexual rubbish should happen' and it represents the degeneration of Western values; you have taken the red pill, seeing 'reality' for what it is and celebrating it. The bluepilled and redpilled consider themselves to be opposites of one another. Marxists, meanwhile, do not recognise even many liberal conclusions which both the blue and red pills depend on: we construct and take a third pill even if it's just from bits and pieces of the red pill and the blue pill - it's something more than simply the two combined. For Marxists, the private-public distinction is very weak because the very stuff of reason that 'private individuals use' is shared between people - after all, how was much of it given to them? Were they born with it? If so, where is your empirical evidence about this and how does it prove that it can be owed to something that they were born with? If I'm wrong here, toddlers would say that they understand neurobiology or quantum physics without any intervention from us! Show me a study which says that they can do that. My claim otherwise is contrapositive (in a formal-logical sense and not a dialectical one); it is based on the lack of evidence for the opposite claim. See how far I'm willing to go to drive my points home to someone who essentially claims is that I am like an arrogant priest who is speaking to the hopeless and stupid laity? Frankly, if you don't understand my points, it is because you don't fucking want to understand them and you are consciously going out of your way to not investigate. You are also involved in this excuse of a discussion whether you like it or not.

"not to mention the 'holier than thou' language you parade." Fucking hell. You are serious when you say this? We are in dark times. MOTHERFUCKER, ANYONE CAN UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM SAYING IF THEY CONFRONT THE WORKS THAT I HAVE DRAGGED MYSELF THROUGH; I AM NO FUCKING PRIEST. I DO NOT HAVE ACCESS TO SOME SACRED TEXT THAT ONLY I HAVE THE SPECIAL ABILITIES TO DECIPHER. Because I have done what I can think of to explain myself, the onus is on you and the other boring contrarian ARSEHOLES to get the fuck over to the literature of the traditions that I identify with and use in order to understand 'the other half' of what I'm saying. If I knew that you would never be able to approximate what I'm saying, why would I bother to explain myself instead of condescendingly passing by and sneering at you for subscribing to an 'inferior' worldview? In fact, why would I even be here at all? And no, before you fucking pipe up about how I want to 'indoctrinate children' and throw other stupid accusations in front of me, I do not want you or anyone else to take what I'm saying as scripture. I want you to critique and extend what I'm saying; I want to construct a dialectic here. I am willing to spend hours of time flooding you with oceans of text not because I wish to wave my pride before you but because I want to discuss things and explain what I'm saying. I want people - including children - to be empowered using philosophy, science and all the other kinds of knowledge and standards of reason. "No, me defending free thought isn't "a spit in the face of the old western liberal contrarian ideals" or whatever and you being a PROUD, PRO LACAN AND PARTISAN MARXIST has nothing to do with any of this." WRONG. The traditions of Marx and Lacan do concern themselves with matters such as sexuality, ideology, 'free thought', small-scale politics and all of that. If sexuality, for example, was not a concern of Marxism, then there would be little or no discussion of it among Marxists. So why would Engels, not only a Marxist but one of the founders of Marxism, write THIS? marxists.org - Origins of the Family. Chapter 2 (IV) And why would Freud, a psychoanalyst who had much to say about sexuality, have his work incorporated into political theory many times over by the Frankfurt school of Marxism if Marxist politics have nothing to do with sex? And in Lacan's case, what about his 'equations of sexuality'? Go on, go to Google, Bing, DDG or whatever search engine you want and type in 'lacan equations of sexuality'. Even besides that, you are telling me that none of what I'm saying matters, but what I am discussing entirely relates to how best it is to consider sexuality. It is not separate from politics at all - the sexual IS political, it IS a performance, it's not simply a matter of 'up-and-down movements'. Why would we question why we fuck at all? Why would we even do it in the first place if it's just a load of movements? You can try to argue that it's a matter of biology, but one can ask: 'why should we humans reproduce? Why should society be about biological reproduction?' So no, SEX IS NOT OUTSIDE POLITICS, and it is thus the concern of Marxist politics and of political philosophy in general. In fact, the great irony about your sentence here is that it is a political statement even as far as discussing sexuality is concerned. I mean, seriously? Are your understandings of philosophy and politics THAT bad? Then again, I know that you are nothing short of a troll if your insistence on repeating your boring humour (e.g. ironic racism) and your recent Discord 'raids' are anything to go by - so you have a vested interest in not sitting down, shutting the fuck up and understanding my words. Never mind that the greatest troll is to seriously engage with my arguments and leave me with the much bigger task of having to find more material. Of course, what are you actually trying to say here? You are no 'free-thinker'. Instead, you are another boring contrarian who viciously upholds the seemingly-permissive, seemingly-inclusive 'simple negative' of prevailing ideas of decency! That is as far as you will go in being critical of the current state of the world. 'Accept your sins!' you scream. 'They are inevitable and natural! Why do anything to stop them? It's the internet, for fuck's sake!' Meanwhile, here is a Marxist asking for something much more radical - and it is going to horrify you to no end. MAKE SEX BORING AGAIN. I am no enemy of the freedom-chasing power of contrarianism; I encourage its use. But contrarianism is not free enough; it is still in the chains of thinking that it's the only possible opposition to the current ruling order. So in a way, it is not me that's holier-than-thou, IT IS YOUR CONTRARIANISM ITSELF, because it fails to unlock a new critical dimension and sneers before any attempts to go further than its own particular opposition to the status quo. But it also concerns Marxism in another way because it concerns (Marxian) Communism, the unique proletarian movement which seeks the end of class divisions and the end of capitalism. You want us to accept the logic of the private space, the fantasies of domination and mindless experimentation. Do you know what this is, Marsha? IT IS THE LOGIC OF THE BOURGEOIS CLASS. Nothing is off limits for the rulers of the world besides Communism. If they want to fuck a child, for example, they can bloody well go ahead and do it without being questioned. This is outrageous! We are allowing these people to do whatever the fuck they want regardless of the very real consequences including the social blackmails and lack of real choices that people are faced with despite legally being able to do many more things? Yes, Marsha, if something is recognised as being 'legal' by a government, it does not make it right. And even if a choice is 'guaranteed' by a given legal system, it is not necessarily put in place. If people are allowed to have rocket launchers and while one person can buy a rocket launcher and another who is otherwise the same as the first person can only afford a slingshot, who is more likely to destroy the other in a fight with their weapons? The politics of freedom is the politics of tearing apart the divison of the 'private' and public domains so that we no longer fuck around and do things without criticism. But in fact, this also frees the once-bourgeois in a sense because they can move on to do better and more effective things as dictated by reason, which does not represent the will of a particular person but all people including themselves. The bourgeois defence of what they believe to be this closed-off private space is nothing more than a defence of stupidity which is supposed to be 'kept away from the masses' but never truly is.

"Cut that bullshit, go straight to the point."

Sorry, Marsha. In trying to explain my points to you, I AM OBLIGED TO TYPE OUT THESE GIANT RESPONSES in case you misunderstand what I'm claiming if you

decide to engage with the arguments that I bring against you. There is so much to go through that you are going to have to sit down - perhaps for years - and read the works of those who are in the same traditions as I am. Worse still, you will have to read the works of others outside such traditions to compare and critique the various ideas which they discuss. Nothing is truly simple in the world whether you like it or not. Unfortunately, we live in times of clickbait, woefully-short attention spans and a lack of self-discipline (this is true even of myself!). You are going to confront your laziness even if you want to argue your own case in an effective way.

"And if you want people to engage in your debate, make it easy and precise for them to understand, especially since this is

Birdie's Google+

And what the fuck do you think I've been trying to do? Again, why would I even bother turning up? Get this: I know that I don't seem credible in the eyes of the hundreds of children who read her posts and I don't necessarily give a fuck - so if you accuse me of doing this to wave my fucking pride in front of you, you're dead wrong.

You can try to give me an Encyclopedia Dramatica - style diagnosis about 'the

real

reasons why I'm here' but anyone can say what I'm saying regardless of their psychology. I could've come here with a great big beaming smile on my face. I could adopt the same contrarian snark that you have. That you are confronted with an angry, grave and seemingly-parental scumbag is

irrelevant

because it subtracts nothing from the vast majority of what I'm saying. Motherfucker, do you know what an 'ad-hominem' fallacy is? Attacking a person rather than an argument which anyone can make does not attack that argument. If I said 'you're Brazillian and you come from a degenerate nation, your opinion doesn't matter', I would be making a stupid claim because I wouldn't have actually said why what you're saying is wrong - at most, I would've said something about the real social forces which led you to adopt this reasoning. So don't come to me with any ad-hominems of your own without engaging with my points themselves because it's not going to fucking work - even for your pride, especially now that you've tried to position yourself as a defender of freedom with all the dignity that comes with it.

"Do that, on my tumblr, and i'll try to debate with you."

First, I do not have access to a Tumblr page or account and I do not want to create one. Second, why NOT discuss shit here? Come on, what gets added to my arguments if I bugger off to Tumblr? Besides that, I am here because I would like to make a great big example out of you. You are 'sinfulmarsh', are you not? A crusader for 'free thought' and open 'acceptance' of (hyper-)sexuality, yes? Lover of all that's taboo, uncomfortable and other shit like that?

Well, fuck you. I am proud to turn up on some 'random' corner of the internet (which, in reality, is NOT 'random' at all but one that I've consciously-selected) and fire walls of text in your direction. If you don't like that, remember that 'it's the internet' and anything can happen; *

BY YOUR OWN STANDARDS OF REASONING

**, YOU SHOULDN'T BE MOANING SO MUCH. So much for being a contrarian, eh, Marsha? Where's your fucking 'free thought'?*

"But I doubt you could do that without getting off your high horse"

Your accusation is laced with with irony considering how your anti-intellectualism is itself an arrogant denial of my words having any worth whatsoever. You don't even bother to ask me any questions relating to the arguments themselves; do you think I won't spot that? FUCK YOU, Marsha. I am at least one step ahead of you because I know what it's like to be a contrarian; I've passed through this phase and I've become even 'worse' since. I know the tricks and the blind spot of your contrarianism; at its most general, it is the same as my own, and I am quite far beyond it as someone who seeks that 'third pill'. In fact, I am far more contrarian precisely because I seek to change values and standards. I have learned to weaponise my contrarianism! That is what is so unsettling for you about Marxists: we are you and more; we can emulate your modes of thought. We seek to take the best out of everything and turn it into something more.

---

@explodingdisgust :

Ah, look at this! Is 'eloquent' not a Big Boy word? Look at this motherfucker betray her own rhetorical standards. No shame, huh? And so the snake eats its own tail; the beginning of Marsha's dissonance is here. Meanwhile, for those of us who aren't busy trying to uphold degeneracy and soft forms of servitude:

https://www.revleft.space/vb/threads/195805-SL-cultism-exposed!!?s=d2444b96573a3897b1e106ae6f9bf772&p=2873207#post2873207

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d3bBreSgaik

---

@explodingdisgust :

And before anyone says that I've misunderstood them, remember that you don't get to choose how your statements are interpreted unless you craft your words very carefully. If I missed something, point it out. If not, explain yourself or get lost.

---

@marshax-marshmallow

I’ve said this before, ill say this again. On my Tumblr, or nowhere. I will address your points there, since it’s a place i’m active on and the formatting is better for me to debate things. People who are reading Birdie’s G+ most often aren’t here to read some rando’s papers on Marxism and Sexual freedom, and I bet Sophia doesn’t want these things spamming her notifications. My blog is where I express those kinds of things, some people read it, either out of hate or genuine interest. I agree that you want discussion and I want too, and thats why i’m saying we should take this somewhere its most likely to happen. So please, take your arguments there or stop talking to me, cause I won’t answer. Hell, you can even copy paste what you’ve said here so we can continue, but please. You dont even need to use your account afterwards.

1 note · View note

shortandchatty · 6 years

Text

Hello!

Hello! I thought it was probably about time I made a post on here.

SO THERES A FEW THINGS IM GONNA TALK ABOUT!

1) What on earth this blog is gonna be for

2) A lil update on things I’ve been up to/why i haven’t posted since making this account

3) Stuff thats gonna be coming

4) Other that doesn’t really fall into anything, its like that random box of stuff you have in your house and don’t really know what to do with it because the stuff doesn’t have a home but also you cant throw it away!

1) I’ve been wanting to set up a proper blog for quite some time now but i don’t really know where to start with it or what to do, so I thought I’d test the waters a bit on tumblr and sort of find me feet with it all. So essentially this is kinda gonna be a place for me to talk about what I’ve been up to and the progress/updates of me setting up my production company. I’m also going to be posting links to stuff i’ve created and posts about films and other media stuff I like and just kinda wanna put some words down about or have a chat!

2) I’ve been a little bit quiet and haven’t really given this blog much time for a number of reasons. Two of the biggest reasons being finishing my degree and spending 9 months producing a lil series called clever stuff. (You can find clever stuff on shortandchatty productions on youtube!). I’m someone who doesn’t really know when to stop and just generally like being busy doing the filming, photography, and media stuff I do, so i tend to end up with a lot of projects at once! I’ve been working on a music video for the wonderful Izzii Grace (you can find her facebook page here: https://www.facebook.com/IzziiGraceMusic/ shes also on spotify and instagram and all the other usual stuff)

As well as this I started a shiny new grad job before even graduating uni which has been pretty sweet! So I have a job as a videographer along side me setting up my own production company, oh look at that I actually managed to do a nice tidy move into another topic!

SO from doing lots of bits of work here and there I kinda decided I wanted to start my own production company that could work as a sort of home for any freelance commissions (I will be opening for commissions 1st August 2018 you can go to https://www.facebook.com/shortandchattyproductions/ for all stuff to do with that if ya interested!) I’m going to be doing a proper post about that but I’ll give you a quick update here!

The idea of shortandchatty productions is going to sorta be a home for my freelance work for the first year while I build myself up. In about a years time ish, I’m hoping for shortandchatty to have a proper office and sort of “home” (It’s going to be a very full on year working an extra job to fund basically saving for said office) then once its up in full swing I would love to get other creative people with different skills involved! (If you do want to get involved in any up and coming projects get in touch via my facebook page and we can talk about it! Editors and graphic/motion graphics people especially!!) My general attitude toward this stuff is that its fun and to me, it’s never felt like a job which is how your career should be in my opinion, if you love what you do you’ll never work a day in your life!) I did work placement at a really cool place in cardiff called storm&shelter and absolutely adored their work ethic and general vibe and thats what i want to head toward, having more places like that!

Speaking of doing things you love, I’ve also just got back from helping contribute to the instagram and twitter pages for 2000 trees music festivals, again another job that doesn’t feel like a job! Working at trees is always a highlight of my year and something I do not take for granted in the slightest. I feel so grateful to be able to spend a few days in a field watching great bands and just being in a great atmosphere, while getting to capture it all. 2000 trees is a festival like no other to be honest and one i cant recommend enough! So if you fancy checking out those posts that would be ace!

3) So I have a few blogs I’m going to be posting are going to include

- A couple of filmy review type blogs (These are gonna include: I, Tonya, isle of dogs, lady bird, thor ragnarok, infinity war, and oceans 8, yes a few of those came out a while ago but i have stuff to say!)

- A post about 2000 trees 2018

- A full post about shortandchatty productions

- A little post about my experience at uni

- Stuff about Clever stuff and what went into it, how i feel about it, and future plans (sneak preview, there is going to be a second series!)

- Probably a bit of a deep and emotional hard hitting post about stuff like mental health, being chronically ill and just how its not a good idea being stubborn pushing through when you know you probably need a break. (Spoiler, doing this put me in hospital twice while getting through uni and producing my series because I just wanted to get stuff done and not feel like my illness was stopping me and that I didn’t have to take it a bit easier than anyone else)

4) The odds and sods:

Uni was super busy and stressful, but i survived it!

I still don’t know how to use tumblr despite part of my job being working in social media

This is probably way too long an update post!

1 note · View note

jooheonies · 6 years

Note

nawar lover no.1 aka user shwhyuk uwu

bloodorangeki said: the lady formerly known as hyuccwoo, shreknu if u will,

send me a tumblr url and ill tell you what i think of them!

hhhhhh ok before i eben launch into this full love essay. i jst wanna say tht u truly are the light at the end of my tunnel sejung,,,,u make me so happy !!! Like i remember when i was losing my mind off of like three sips of pineapple cider and i legitimately felt like i was gonna throw up but then i was like … damn i can’t forget to text shannon and tell her about all this. and then i talked to u for a full hour or so while u called me a liddle babie nd i continuously whined…either way you truly have me under your spell you demon!!

okay so not to be. dramatic but youre so dreamy and pretty you remind me of rain and soft kisses on the cheeks and rose gardens and bouquets of flowers and soft sunlight on flower meadows and like! that feeling you get in your cheeks when you smile too much for too long and you get that permanent blush across your face! god that’s probabaly nonsense and not very cohesive but you have the same sort of colors…soft orange and light pink….you’re like a sunset on the beach right at the start of spring when theres barely anyone on the shore and the whole world feels really big and wide but even though youre all alone you don’t feel lonely because it still feels like the whole world(you) is poised right at the edge of your fingertips.

hhhh that also probably made very little sense but i dont care i love you so much and im very bad at expressing emotion (blame my virgo moon who hasn’t felt any feelings in over 18 years) but i still feel like always showering u in that sweet love and affection, despite the fact that im horrible with words and i have absolutely no consistency. I feel like it’s really rare to meet someone who literally changes your entire perception of the world but … damn here we are!! tlkaing to u is literally a part of my daily life its a part of who i am at this point :/

Anyways, friendships don’t really come naturally to me because I have a very weird perosnality where like. im simultaneously suffocating whilst also being very detached and it turns people off so quickly but..god we mesh so well i truly love you so much. i also tend to not write a lot whenever i make these posts bc im the kind of person who continously says how much i love you throughtout the convo (even thoguh ill ghost most ppl for a few days) so whenever i get around to writing these im like :// but what else do i say :// but this time!!! oooo i have so much to say i can never go into full loving hours with you bc you always turn things around and get me to start talking abotu myself and pretty soon we start talking about how i used to raise rocks as a kid instead of talking about how hot you are :/

so anyways firstly . those were just the intro pragaraphs im finally getting into my loving sejung essay :(( helloooo one of my favortie things about talking to you is how easily the conversation always flows ….us talking about shownus asshole and the questionable consumption of expired jello and orbeez at 3 am is most likely the more demonic things weve done while simultaenously being the more tame things…my head still aches when i remember that giagntic bruise i got from looking at that wonho+tentacles/changkyun+black hole sketch u made… god we somehow always go from topic to topic with absolutely no regard for cohesiveness and yet neither of us ever question it…we’ll spend hours discussing absolutely nothing …like that one night we stayed up for like three hours on rabbit talking about all the different mx stans and which member has the most stans internationally versus domestically and why….icons of developing complex sociocultural theories at 2am while occasionally mentioning “oh wow its late u should go to bed >:/” god its just that I always lose track of time whenever I talk to you…its like im so focused on that I Love Her mood that I don’t even realize its been 4 hours until I look down at my pile of unfinished homework and then back up at my laptop like. This was a Valid choice why would I pick ib math when I have a whole entire sejung talking to me. hhhh its just that talking to you comes so naturally and I always tell you all these quesiotnable things to which you always respond by first calling me a demon and then laughing about it and encouraging my stupidity. it’s also so so endearing that ill tell you about the dumb shit im doing and your first response is always to nag at me to be safe and take care of myself as if ill actually listen to you and clean a cut with alcohol, risking legitimate Pain… anyways sejung? queen of making me feel loved and noticed? MORE LIKELY THAN U THINK!!!!

hhhhh ok moving on now I get to talk about how. sexy u are damn….i remember back when we were first starting to talk and you sent me those pictures of yourself in that button up and I literally. I quite literally almost passed out in the starbucks while the barista was handing me my strawberry lemonade I truly almost lost it…nd right before that I was encouraging you to talk to the boba girl nd flirt nd be all spicie…but then u sent me those pics nd I was like for what reason would she have to impress boba girl when im right here … mouth open so wide in love that all the bobas are spilling out of my mouth :( not to be dramatic yet again when I know ive mentioned those selfies before but damn…those were so hot u unbuttoned like two or three of the top buttons and u looked so hot truly. raw me vore me behind each and every single boba store location hewwwooo u look so intense nd powerful im truly putty in ur hands not only would I lose my mind for u, I have already lost it

hhhhh im very much rambling and making very little sense rn bc its. 2:30 am and im sleebie nd I blocked all social media sites so id do homework bt I kept thiknning abt u so I was like hm the universe clearly wants me to write about sejung more even though ill have to post this in the morning bc tungle is blocked until then :// bt anaywas that also means I get to go into all the other thigns I love about u and all the things u remind me of :(( hhhh its so wild that I never actually aunch into full loving shannon mood bt I talk abt u so much w my friends theyre all. suspicious ,,,,

them: nawar u don’t actually like romance and u hate talking about people r u perhaps dating this girl??me, w hearts in my eyes laughing at smth ure saying on my phone: what

HHHH DJHFKSJDHF TAHST TRULY ME,,,,ALWAYS THIKNING ABT U,,,ALWAYS BEING BIG HEART EYES FR U,,,at any given moment I could be reminded of u :( I see a piece of paper nd im like huh I should do work then again is work necessary to live perhaps not but sejung is necessary to live,,,,me thinking abt u as I procrastinate every single thing ive ever had to do :D Like, ive never understood when people say that they hated a zodiac sign at one point, and then they met one person and they were like oh my god nevermind this sign is perfect but truly,,,I love geminis now ,,,I used to hate them almost as much as cancer nd now? geminis are all good ure so wonderful nd loving nd sweet u being a gemini saved geminis collectively,,

ill also neber stop talking abt how now matter how much I whine and demand attention, youre always jst,,,supplying it without any question like at one point people usually get annoyed, no matter how endeared they were by it at first, bt youre always calling me a baby (even though im older) nd giving me that sweet Love and Attention,,mmmmm my libra sun thrives under ur care :( hhhh also I feel it is important to point out I love. all of u,,,,like I don’t even usually care much for peoples voices or anything unless its like so deep it sounds like the grim reaper bc that’s wild u ,,bt anyways the first moment I heard ur voice I was. breathless I was so shocked like ur voice is so soothing nd warm its like. if the aesthetic of sunlight and honey and warm pies had a voice,,,hhhh im also not the type to really believe in things like fate nd destiny and soulmates and stuff bt that’s kind of what u remind me of ? in a? not weird way hhhhh so I feel like youre just so naturally in tune with people like nothing really catches you off guard and you roll with peoples different personalities and quirks and you always jst. mesh so well with everyone ure like the minhyuk of the internet,,,,nd like!! theres smth abt u that reminds me of balance and maybe its my libra sun always seeking peace and harmony in life but I always feel so relaxed nd steady whenever I talk to you its like . idk how to explain it!!! its jst so comforting!!!

I was originally gonna cut myself off at 1k but its too late for that now and im gonna put this under a read more anyways and its 3am now so I feel like. go Big or go Home!!! now im gonna launch into a long analysis of u! and ur smile!! first of all,,,its so rare nd wild to find someone who likes validating people more than being validated,,,,u finding my libra antics cute???hhhhh tahts so wild,,,,I could pout for hours nd u would call it cute,,,validating!!! nd the fact that you’ve read my writing,,,,excerpts from my demonic wips and youre stil friends with me?? you still talk to me?? damn that’s like. never to be expected any time I make someone read that tangerine fic they ghost me for a good month but I sent you pieces of that tentacle fic and YOU FUCKCING SKETCHED OUT THE LOOK,,,,,MY MUSE,,,nd also you tend to always steer the convo around to focus on the other person n dim a FOOL who almost falls for it every time,,,before I remember and make u tell me thigns…god ive told you so many obscure things from my childhood like that time I tried to eat a brick and yet you still,,,,talk to me,,,,who are u,,,,hhhh ure always so cute nd giving nd caring I feel like I could genuinely truly look like shit nd send u a selfie nd you would still be like WOW GORGEOEUS YOU LOOK SO GOOD THAT’S HOT!!! u,,,going out of ur way to make ppl happy :( anyways im a fool in love w u ,,,also not to be like. one of those old white boy text posts from tumblr but ,,,,hey girl,,,ladie,,,wamen,,,did u know? ur smile lights up my world? ,,,did u know? theres no such thing as u being anything less than perfect,,,why? because its impossible to be anything less than the essence of who you are. hhhh that’s the dumbest thing im ever written im cutting myself off that was too much this is like. 2k words so far and in all honesty I could continue but then id get gushier than that last line and nobody wants to see That,,,hhhh

this started out with. somewhat decent grammar like I used periods and I think I occasionally capitalized the first letter of the sentence but at this point its incoherent rambling it’s the inside of my brain every time I see u or hear frm u its like when spongebobs brain was on fire and all the cabinets and computers were going up in flames and all the little brain spongebobs were losing their mind that’s me right now losing my mind over you I wrote exactly 2k words in that whole essay,,,,im so fucking valid,,,,ananywas I love you if you couldn’t tell nd iim . somewhat satisfied at being able to vent all this love,,,smoochie,,smoochh,,SMOOCHIIE

#shwhyuk #ask game #HHHHH THIS IS SO LONG....#I LOVE U...BABEY...

2 notes · View notes

pigeon-in-a-pocket · 4 years

Text

Alright, venting on mobile, here goes what remains of my dignity.

What is wrong exactly about wanting to help? Why am I not allowed to speak against discrimination and mistreatment for pernicious reasons? Why is it not okay to be 'in'?

I have always been there for people and helped when ever I can, but suddenly my actions are rude or invalidated by identity. I have spoken against the bigoted and terrible people publicly for quite sometime, I have been to protests and dealt with insidious, bog-creature resembling, ill-speaking twit-spawn at school, in town and on the internet. My arguments have been invalidated by some B.S including the following...

×Being white (How does this invalidate my ability to call out racism?)

×Being Australian (Not in the country/place of issue/place of revolt)

×Being to young

×I do not know any victims of Racism/Mysogeny/Homophobia/Transphobia etc, personally (I do)

×Being to calm at the time to actually be outraged by an action or words. (Explanation later)

FEEL FREE TO SEND HATE MAIL, WE ALL DIE EVENTUALLY SO YOUR WORDS WILL MEAN NOTHING IN THE END. (I do realise im being a hypocrite here)

Anyway, storytime I guess?

Point 1, People will say ingnorant, bovine-carcass-stenched, waste-of-languismic-ability, Items sometimes...Excactly. What does a true intelectual being, proving the gods unworthy of the human race, bipedal (more or less) do in this situation? Correct stand for justice, truth, the glory that is snacktime and WHAT IS MORALE AND HUMANE! Why are you telling me I can't say the TRUTH because I am not the race you are unfairly targeting?

Point 2, What is happening in the USA I encourage, because capitalism is faulty and has lead nothing but denial of rights, totalitarianism, discrimination and a bunch of unneeded deaths. You are telling me my support is'nt valid or misjudged because it is not my place to talk about because it is not my nation, alongside someone throwing

"They are breaking into and invading private property just cause some black person died"

and when faced with me telling other people what he said he confirmed it and very amusingly told a small irritated group around him that

"They broke into a Kmart, Kmart is my favourite store"

Point 3, War is terrible and very obviously no way to solve a problem, but I cant talk against war cause I haven't lived through one? Or weren't there when anti-war protests were common? Do you want my support of the movements or not?

Point 4, Dont assume KerPlunk about my life or anyones experiances for a first. I shouldn't need to be directly involved with any major issue in my life to understand that action is a penultimate horrid action. Yes, I completely understand that those without veiw of may never have knowledge of, but shouldn't people be striving for mass-understanding of the issue? Anyway, don't say something even the dimmest witted fools would find heinous and then malpredict to go without consequence or upstance, with a irreverent argument that I have no true say because of lack of experience with an aftermath sufferee. Your telling me that r##e is very enjoyable to all parties involved, and that if I were to converse with a 'Blessed' (Worded this way by some neck-beird once) I shall find they did not mind at all? Bleurgh, Bleurgh×100

Point 5, Politeness was/is strictly 'encouraged' through my childhood, so yes I will patiently hear you out, occasionally ask permission to state my case, adress you in a formal manner and never snap at you regardless of the levels of your incompetence. Why should this do anything but fuel the validity of my veiws on the topic? Where is the mutual respect that I was promised if I addressed the dissagreement as I was taught?

The next topic of my no-more than 5 notes masterpeice of my own shortcomings would be the mandatory Sexuality and or Gender section of a vent post as decreed in the most recent publishment of the Tumblr Etiquette Act (TEA) dated August 2017. Is it socially acceptable in the queer community to go back in the closet? Many things have gone rather topsy turvey regarding the topic of my identity.

My dad has been super supportive and stuff but in a recent sit down talk about the world it was heavily implied that at my age 'testing out' different sexualities is normal and that in due time when I am straight again it will not be questioned or met with distrust and may be talked about later in life as an amusing nostalgia moment. Then proceeded to interrupt any remaining hopes of an 'Update about me' coming out moment with a long paragraph about how "Most people don't realise they are trans till their early 30's"

Yikes, with this alongside my other problems it's a wonder why I am still here.

Then we have someone I'm (or were) really close to, whom, as ridiculous as it sounds, after this long of contemplating, still unsure if it is best to leave our/her group or stay. I told her about all of my identity bush-raggle, to which she, without my knowledge, told quite a few other people. Dont out people, okay? I have more to say but I have been writing this since 10:30pm and 4 hours of writing takes alot out of me.

Next focus, I guess?

Diagnosed anxiety, which I am fully aware of causing health issues, is not, never has nor will be, a valid reason to ignore all forms of concern for personal health. I just don't ask or say anymore, nothing will come of it anyway. Multiple adults (parents of classmates, teachers, counsellors, office ladies ( school nurse or sick-bay wardens as you might know them. ) have told me to get tested for Asthma or assumed by my current state that I had Asthma and had the tools required to help on hand. Another thing is that my mother has Asthma, I am unsure if it is genetic but that has to be atleast a singular extra bit of evidence? Among other health problems such as an odd lower stomach pain that wont go away, been 4 monthes now, drinking more water hasn't helped, adding more wheat in my diet hasn't helped, regular exercise hasn't helped. Now the problem is being ignored entirely.

Thankyou bored stranger, and my deepest most sincere apologies for having to read that. Well anyways I am going to sleep (finally!) May be the rest of this fluster cluck of discoordinated ramble will be written later this morning. Probably not, wont feel as inspired as now. Best case scenario I die in my sleep.

Harley out.

#vent tw #rape tw #racism #biggotry #nihilism #protest #part 1

0 notes

sweetbirthdaybaby · 5 years

Text

Rules

This blog is 18+ (please do not follow or interact if you’re underage). Mun is 30+. Please be honest about your age.

This blog is NOT spoiler free.

No godmodding. There is always some grey area, of course. I’ll tell you if you cross my line, and please do the same for me.

Hate/drama/negativity: 1) ooc homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, racism, sexism, ableism, and the like will get you unfollowed, as will repeated negative vagueing on the dash. IC “hate” will be evaluated case by case. 2) If you feel you have a serious issue you need to address with me, you can do it respectfully in the IMs or on Discord (see contact info below). If I ever feel I need to respond to hate/drama sent directly to me in my ask box, it will be tagged “wank”.

Following/unfollowing: 1) I only RP with mutuals. If I’ve followed you, I want to rp with you. I can be shy, though, and sometimes I may not have a clear idea how to start stuff with your character. 2) If you followed me first, please give me a couple weeks to check out your blog and decide if I want to follow back, even if I am active on the dash. Sometimes it just takes me a while to feel up to evaluating new blogs. 3) I will not follow any rp blogs that do not have their age listed somehow (21+, “of age”, etc.). Even if you’re dash only, you can easily put that info in your description. 4) I will not follow or interact with genderbent/rule 63 muses. If you just have a verse for it, that’s fine, and I might follow/interact, but I will not play in those verses. 5) I reserve the right to unfollow whoever I want at any time, and you are free to do the same.

Duplicates: Feel free to follow me! Russian Doll is a multiverse and many Nadias exist within the context of canon! Let’s throw them together and fuck shit up.

Nadia is Jewish (though she claims “not by choice”), and Jewish faith and customs play a significant role in Russian Doll (reference). However, mun is not Jewish. Should the topic of Judaism come up in threads, I will do my best to research and be as respectful as it makes sense for Nadia to be as someone who seems to struggle with faith. If I screw something up, I would greatly appreciate a gentle correction.

I tend to write para/multi-para rp. 2-4 paragraphs is the sweet spot for me, but sometimes I get on a roll and write novels for people. Sorry? Short stuff, one liners, text messaging posts, and crack often get dropped without notice if they don’t develop into more. You don’t have to match my lengths, but at least put in the effort to give me something to respond to.

I will more than likely drop threads from time to time (either I got overwhelmed by drafts, lost muse, or otherwise), and I might not tell you about it unless we’re close because it gives me anxiety. Dropping threads doesn’t mean, however, that I hate you or that the relationship our muses developed in any threads no longer exists.

My reply speeds vary greatly, from immediate to months later.

If you are not roleplaying with me on a given thread, please don’t reblog it! Do not reblog personal/ooc posts either.

Feel free to send me asks and memes and spam my inbox whether we’re mutuals or not! I love it! If you send something and I don’t answer, it just means I didn’t have muse or an answer for it right then. Sometimes things work, sometimes they don’t, but if you keep throwing things at me, eventually something will.

Discord is available for MUTUALS for both ooc chat and ic rp @ jinji!#6384. Please tell me who you are, if it’s not obvious.

OOC communication: I am a mentally ill mun that suffers from severe social anxiety that comes in waves. Sometimes I’m fine and will bury you in ooc chat. Other times, I’m very much not. If I’ve stopped talking to you ooc, this is probably the reason for it.

I don’t require formatting or icons for interaction. It’s all about the writing at the end of the day. I use standard text, and my icon usage is hit or miss.

Shipping: 1) I ship chemistry. I will likely want to write at least a little with you before fully committing to shipping, no matter who your muse is. 2) Nadia generally thinks of herself as straight, but she would not rule out sex or romance (verse dependent) with someone who did not identify as male if the chemistry was right. 3) Depending on what point in her timeline you interact with her, Nadia can very resistant to attachment and long term romances. 4) If you send me a shippy/smutty meme and we’ve never discussed shipping, be prepared for Nads to respond in a way that might not be positive. 4) Nadia is in her 30s and I will not ship her with underage muses.

Exclusivity/selectivity: 1) I will probably never take exclusives for muses that Nadia knows/has interacted with in her canon. I might, however, take mains. 2) Any exclusivity practiced here, if it occurs, is Tumblr-specific unless otherwise specified. Meaning I am willing to interact with “duplicates” of muses I am exclusive with here on other platforms (like Discord) in most cases.

Smut: I like writing smut, but only once muses are muns are comfortable with each other. How long that takes will vary. Nadia is perfectly fine with casual sex, but I may request to fade to black initially if I am not yet comfortable with the mun I’m writing with.

Triggers: 1) The canon for Russian Doll is VERY trigger heavy, including things such as death, drug and alcohol abuse, suicide, mental health, eating disorders, and more. I will try to remember to tag nsfw, and for other triggers as “tw: trigger”. If I forget one or there’s one I’m not tagging that you think I should be, please message me! 2) I don’t need “cancer” tagged, but please do not throw cancer plots at me, or just starts chatting to me about cancer ooc. This could get you unfollowed, maybe even blocked.

Other tags you may want to blacklist: I tag very long posts as “longpost”. Also, I tend not to use large gifs except in responses to ooc asks, but if I ever use more than one per post, or one that’s especially huge-esque, I will tag “largegifs”.

Please know that the things Nadia says and does do not reflect the mun’s personal feelings.

I do not ask for a password to be sent, nor will I send one to you. If I followed you, I have read your rules, and will probably reread them again before interacting. If I break one of your rules, it’s probably because I’ve read 900 rules pages and they’ve run together. Please tell me if that happens, and I will correct my mistake.

I know my rules are long because I’m a wordy fuck, but if you have read this far, thank you very much for taking the time. Know that I appreciate you. :)

Any time I change or update these rules (or any other info page), I will re-link to them in a new post.

#rules #russian doll rp #indie rp

0 notes

sweetbirthdaybaby-moved · 5 years

Text

Rules

This blog is 18+ (please do not follow or interact if you’re underage). Mun is 30+. Please be honest about your age.

This blog is NOT spoiler free.

No godmodding. There is always some grey area, of course. I’ll tell you if you cross my line, and please do the same for me.

Following/unfollowing: 1) I follow from weaponizedembrace (this is a sideblog). 2) I only RP with mutuals. If I’ve followed you, I want to rp with you. I can be shy, though, and sometimes I may not have a clear idea how to start stuff with your character. 3) If you followed me first, please give me a couple weeks to check out your blog and decide if I want to follow back, even if I am active on the dash. Sometimes it just takes me a while to feel up to evaluating new blogs. 4) I will not follow any rp blogs that do not have their age listed somehow (21+, “of age”, etc.). Even if you’re dash only, you can easily put that info in your description. 5) I will not follow or interact with genderbent/rule 63 muses. If you just have a verse for it, that’s fine, and I might follow/interact, but I will not play in those verses. 5) I reserve the right to unfollow whoever I want at any time, and you are free to do the same.