I’ve made up so much Bernard lore in my head so I’m just going to dump it here

so post Louis Grieve in my head Bernard transferred to an all boys boarding school his junior year (someone suggested Brentwood so I’m gonna go w that). his parents sent him there as a bit of a last ditch effort to straighten him out, get up his grades and push him out of his silly habits. this also included them making him buzz off his hair since they deemed his old hair unprofessional.

all of it was a huge blow to Bernard’s already fragile mental health and self esteem so at Brentwood he was kind of a mess. he wasn’t exactly a bad student but the people around him considered him even more of an outsider than he was before at Louis Grieve.

eventually Bernard did find himself with a small group of friends (might further develop them as ocs??) who were much like him outsiders. one of said friends also being the first time he fooled around with a guy, which led to several more though none of it was ever serious.

there was lots of denial at first but by the time his time at Brentwood ended Bernard had accepted himself as queer.

he applied for a few colleges, some outside of Gotham but he ended up settling for GU bc part of his couldnt handle leaving his city behind. he chose a double major because he thought that would make his parents most proud and bc biology and physics were the only subjects he enjoyed.

despite everything seemingly going well for Bernard he felt an emptiness that nothing could fix, that is until he found the Children of Dionysus. despite knowing the risks of joining a cult he did. he was in the cult for roughly eight months before he got kidnapped to get sacrificed.

that was a rough version of what happened in my head. I have some more details that I couldn’t fit smoothly into that word vomit so here’s some more

Bernard came out to his parents his first semester, which they took pretty badly and led him to getting kicked out and having to couch surf for a bit before landing on the apartment he was living in during TD:R.

to keep himself afloat with no support from his parents Bernard worked two jobs, one at a diner around the corner of his apartment and the other at a coffee shop closer to GU.

at Brentwood Bernard did a lot of experimental stuff with his appearance ranging from spiking his hair after it had grown out a bit to getting his ears pierced multiple times. a tongue piercing came along somewhere in his time at the cult and Bernard genuinely doesn’t remember getting it.

during junior and senior year Bernard joined the basketball team. he was surprisingly good considering he had never showed any interest in the sport and wasn’t particularly athletic before then. basketball somehow also led him to training himself in martial arts.

since I do hc the Children of Dionysus to have some more Dionysian practices I think Bernard developed both a distaste for wine and eating raw meat (omophagia).

Bernard has been refusing to get drastic hair cuts after the buzz cut and is unlikely to get one any time soon. he’s been taking kitchen scissors to his hair and freestyling it if he feels it needs more shape.

though he’s been out for a while Bernard hasn’t actually dated anyone long term before Tim. most people he’s been with were flings or were blocked after a few dates.

the way Bernard got into contact with the cult is through one of his high school classmates, who he’d seen talk about the ways that joining it had improved their life and how they were much more enlightened. he due to his circumstances was an easy victim after his initial skepticism

there’s just a lot of permanent scarring due to the cult, but Bernard doesn’t bother covering them up with make up or clothes. at least not post getting rescued.

Bernard actually goes to therapy after the cult and was also diagnosed with autism (let me project a teeny bit). it helped him make more sense of his life and gave him more direction.

his cooking passion came from his early childhood, being dimmed out in middle school and only returning after high school. he mostly enjoys writing his own recipes and experimenting with taste. there was ofc the added challenge of budget, but it was one of the few things that made him happy.

his conspiracy theorist side mostly calmed down until he was thrust back into it when he started dating Tim. this was due to odd behavior from Tim and until Bernard found out he was RR (which really didn’t take that long) he was balls deep on conspiracy blogs and threads. he didn’t really quite after putting the RR pieces together though, bc he enjoyed being able to subtly help Tim with his cases.

due to the two jobs and double major previously mentioned Bernard has a terrible sleeping schedule. he regularly stays up past three only to have a morning shift that starts at seven.

gonna quite rambling for now lol, might edit this post to add more in the morning but I’m sick of typing. sorry if it’s a lot, I just think abt him a lot……. yea..

Golden Hour (+ lineart below cut)

I took a picture of the lines for once and did some basic crappy photo editing on my phone, so you could probably print this out and use it as a coloring page or something if you so wish lol. Do with it what you will.

2020 – a (content creator) year in review

I decided to make this into a mix of these two games I was (kinda?) tagged into so thank you for @leonzhng and @tiesanjiao ♥ I hope you don’t mind me doing it like this ^^ all the questions were just so interesting that I wanted to try!

(bc of the amount of questions, I’m placing them under a cut so that I don’t flood anyone’s dash) 

Me

(this is the 2020 year in review that hanyi tagged me to ♥ sorry am so late!)

Top 5 Movies you saw this year

wow tbh I didn’t watch many movies this year as I realized yesterday when I was thinking about this for certain reasons. Or at least I feel like I didn’t watch that many? Nothing really stuck with me it seems.

Because of this, I will only mention two: Parasite and The Old Guard. Those were both wonderful in their own ways and I’m very happy I got to watch them both ^^

Top 5 TV shows you watched this year

this one is difficult bc I watched so many (and forgot even more?) but:

The Lost Tomb Reboot (my introduction to DMBJ. this drama stole my heart and helped me through the tough autumn semester!) 

Joy of Life (it’s nuts that this happened during 2020? it feels like it was ages ago)

Kingdom (such a positive surprise and I really hope we get more of this :o I really recommend!)

Detective L (easy, nice aesthetics, amazing costumes. Bai Yu was a delight as Luo Fei)

Sand Sea (I am still baffled by how much I loved this bc I had so many doubts? am happy I did tho)

Bonus: Guardian (bc it has come to stay and the rewatch has been so emotional but so rewarding)

Top 5 songs of 2020

this is a tough one too bc I’ve heard so much new music during 2020 but I will try to put it simply:

Black Swan by BTS (I absolutely adore this song. I listened to it on repeat when it came out at the beginning of the year, I have cried for it a ton, I enjoy every stage I see for it and it’s just a masterpiece. it has also helped a bit with my writing struggles that I’ve felt creeping up on me lately)

Always by By The Coast (an amazing song that always leaves me in my feels. inspires me a lot all the time)

Love me or Leave me by DAY6 (this whole album was a masterpiece and I listened to it on loop for like. two weeks? this was my favorite song on it even if I adored the rest too, especially Zombie)

all of my life by Park Won (listened to this a lot in relation to my xicheng and the wedding I finally got to write for them ;; that’s one good thing that came out of this year tbh)

雨人 by 刘畅 (Liu Chang) (with the Reboot’s ending song, this one is my favorite on that ost. I love Liu Chang’s voice, I loved Liu Sang as a character and as I said, I loved Reboot as a drama. I get super emotional about this ost so I think it defined this year a lot for me)

Top 5 books you read in 2020  

All For The Game -trilogy (listened to these as audiobooks but that counts right?)

The Song of Achilles (as an audiobook too and really adored the reader’s voice)

The Smoke Thieves -series (I really just binge read the two first books in this series and am so excited for the next one!)

Call Down The Hawk (love love love)

Guardian novel (am not very into these novels usually but I was positively surprised this time? it was so cool to finally get the original story and compare it with the drama version)

5 positive things that happened in 2020

joined mdzsnet and met all the amazing ppl there and got to become part of this loving community and :’) I’m so thankful, it’s been a joy

learned more about editing? or started doing it regularly. I still can’t do shit but am having fun learning more all the time and I really hope that maybe the upcoming year I can switch to PS and try out giffing?

went to Halsey’s concert! it was in february so a bit before all the hassle with covid happened over here ;; it was super cool and so nice and I just. I love Halsey

fell into the DMBJ hellhole which am very much enjoying. it’s a great universe and the story is so good and the dramas have been so fun to watch and. it feels like a good continuation to The Untamed somehow haha (also brought me a new friend! you’re amazing ashen!! ♥)

started therapy and it’s been... a journey. but towards something better I think? it’s something I would’ve needed ages ago but it’s better late than never I suppose

My Creations

(this is the other part where ali was being super sweet and mentioned me ♥ thank you for being so awesome!)

1. first creation and most recent creation of 2020: wow it’s been a while since I’ve looked at this horrible creation but here ya go jkdhgk [x]. I’ve come a long way from this (and my xicheng has come a long way from this too). most recent one is this xiaoge edit that I absolutely adore [x]. 

2. one of your favorite creations from 2020: this wwx edit that was part of my agust d2 edit series [x]. I loved to give him blue instead of his typical red. 

3. a new style you tried this year and a gifset edit that uses it: this [x] wwx edit which I don’t know if I like or not but I was playing around with the font and all the effects instead of just normal screenshots + coloring. also I just adore the quote. 

4. a creation to be proud of: I could mention that xiaoge here but in addition, I will also say this wu xie edit for reboot [x]. I managed to capture my vision so well, I was surprised. for cql, this songxiao edit [x]. I loved how it turned out in the end. 

5. a creation that took forever: this wangxian edit [x]. like I’ve said several times, I lost sleep bc of it. I just kept struggling with the third pic and how to place the text there D: 

6. your creation from 2020 that received the most notes: this lwj/wangxian edit [x]. I had many ideas for this edit when I first started making it and I never managed to capture my vision in the way I first intended... the pictures I was supposed to use just never fit quite right sigh. I dunno why it was this one that gained all the notes in the end bc I personally think I have better ones too but am still thankful :’D 

7. a creation you think deserved more notes: as said, dmbj fandom on tumblr is very small so I really want to say the two already mentioned ones (wu xie and xiaoge) and then my pingxie edits [x] [x]. also these wwx edits which I personally am very happy about [x] [x]. and from my agust d2 series, this yun bros one [x].

8. a new fandom you joined and a creation you made for it: really just dmbj this year and I’ve already linked all of my creations for that :’D tho I have plans for another pingxie edit and a liu sang edit! oh and maybe I could mention guardian here with this shen wei [x]. I had so much fun while making it (also the quote just haunted me relentlessly until I gave it a moment). 

9. a creation you made that breaks your heart: this must be my easter islanders (lwj and jc) edit [x] that just. awoke many thoughts in me? I’m going to put a link to the version where you can read my ramblings underneath :’D 

10. a ‘simple’ creation that you really love: my creation for the creator (gif?) challenge that was going around! [x] it was simple and nice to do and I loved the result. also, it was nice to work with jl for a change :’) 

11. a favorite creation created by someone else: oh wow ok so this is going to be rough bc I have so many favorites ;; you can look at this post here [x] to see more! 

but to love my two taggers am going to say these [x / x] [x] [x] [x] [x] by hanyi (I always love your edits, the colors you choose, the thoughts you put into them (and your humor too!). there are so many cool things you’ve done that I just stay in awe of! I adore all of it ;; ♥) and these [x] [x] [x] [x] [x] by ali (I love all of your gifsets so much, they have such pretty colors and such good scenes, and I am thankful every day that you make all the amazing dmbj content, pls never stop ;; I should go through all of your creations properly one day! I noticed you have sand sea stuff too and let me scream?) ^^ ♥

12. your favorite content creators and blogs that you appreciate: this is going to be a huge list and I’ve already made my love heard for some but no hurt in doing it again so @i-am-just-a-kiddo @ashenwren @tiesanjiao @kholran @lzswy @englishbunnyrocks @leonzhng @aheartfullofjolllly @yibobibo @inkblue-black @cross-d-a @bloody-bee-tea @fytheuntamed @mdzsnet @lifegoesmon @creeds-eagle @underaswift-sunrise @sarawatsaraleo @lan-xichens @mylastbraincql @wangxianbunnydoodles @manhasetardis @distantsnows @ohsehuns @minmoyu @linglynz @highwarlockkareena @yiqiie @aowyn @alienwlw @wangxiians @kingbadcat @sassyassassy @tytangfei @lanzhannnn @skzmxtp @leoyunxi @yoonqiful @softjeon @rapbabenamjoon @ronan-adam @miyakuli @pavusdorian @arsuf @brolinskeep @gawincaskeyy and so many others! (sorry for all the random ppl on this list that I’ve never even talked to ^^’ just know that you make my dash a wonderful place! ♥) 

I won’t tag anyone separately here but everyone who’s already been tagged or sees this is free to do this (or link me posts if you’ve done these already!) ♥ have a nice day everyone! 

Idk I’ve been feeling pretty down lately. Something cute, angsty, and smutty with a jealous Merriell Shelton and fem reader ?? You can have fun with it

Doux Comme Des Bonbons

Pairing: Snafu x Gender Netural! Reader

Summary: Snafu has a tendency to always wound up into trouble. Regardless, you still manage to put up with him.

Word Count: 3.5k

Warnings: Implied sexual harrasment, jeleous! snafu, cursing, fighting, but very minor! 

A/N: Of course I can! I feel you, hope this cheers you up! ❣️✨ I’m sorry this came so late. I’ve been studying for a few tests. I promise to work on a few requests this weekend though! I love the requests though, keep them coming in! This one was a little longer than expected. Snafu is my favourite himbo. The title translates to “as sweet as candy” bc this is fluffy-is. Anyways, hope you enjoy!

Masterlist

“Snafu, he’s just a classmate!”

Snafu slammed the door to your apartment building. If school and work weren’t hard enough, this had been your breaking point. As much as you loved your Cajun boyfriend, he was an absolute handful. It was like taking care of a manchild who you loved one minute, the next you wanted to scream in his face. Whenever things were peaceful between you, it was bliss. Endless worship, cuddles, cute french nicknames, romantic and steamy nights. It was anything a partner could ask for.

But when all hell would break loose between you two, it would be full-on discord.

“Classmate ma’ ass. Prissy lil’ fucker. I’ve seen ‘da way ‘dat preppy boy looks at you.” Snafu annoyingly badgered. He followed you around your apartment. Stopping at the kitchen counter, you spin on your heel to look at him straight in the face, a hand on your waist and an angry pout proudly displayed on your face. “ ‘Dat Chris or whatever his n-”

“Chad. His name is Chad.” You corrected.

The Cajun groaned as his calloused hands grasped onto the counter. He was extremely aggravated with hell in his eyes. “Whatever. I don’t like ‘yah hangin’ ‘round him. Chad kept starin’ at you like you were a piece of meat. Tried to fuckin’ steal ma’ seat next to you! ‘Dat lil’ sunva gun tryin’ to sit next ‘ta ‘ma Cher!”

Chad wasn’t someone you considered a friend or acquaintance. He was someone who was in your lecture who happened to be one of your friend’s inner friends. Whenever you would go to study, Chad would always tag along. He mainly wouldn’t study and would pester the hell out of you. He had even followed you to Snafu’s jeep, which proceeded to Snafu almost running him over. Thankfully you had convinced Chad not to press charges.

There was no denying he was a total asshole. He wore the brighetst polos, cheated on every test, and did whatever he pleased. Snafu was convinced that his parents paid his way into college. It baffled you how you’re best friend could even consider someone such as Chad a friend. His whole purpose of being alive was to annoy you. Snafu surely didn’t care for him. But you only had the class for another two months, and then you would be rid of Chad.

Two months had gone by and Chad’s advances had begun to slowly die down. He was aware that you were dating Snafu, who he deemed a man out of your league. It was true, but you loved Snafu with every part of your soul. Snafu was not your everyday boyfriend. It was like dating a man child off of his ADHD medication. He was a somewhat (but still young) man who worked in lumber, a little rough around the edge with a thick Cajun accent. You were a teacher’s pet with a kind heart and gentle presence. When your friend Eugene had set you up, you’d never thought it would work. But date after date, the two of you only grew closer. Within three months, you had moved into Snafu’s apartment since you could barely afford to live in a shitty dorm. When Snafu had offered his home to become your home, you knew you had fallen in love with him. As much as Snafu was the occasional pain in the neck, he was yours and you were his.

Also in those two months, your professor had invited you to a semester party after you had finished up exams. The university you attended was celebrating his retirement and had invited the whole school. Not wanting you to be alone, Snafu tagged along. He looked amazing that night; his wild curls tamed with copious amounts of gel, a white collared shirt, and dress shoes that were crisp. It would have been a lovely night if Snafu had simply kept his mouth shut, which he struggled with.

-----

Walking arm and arm with your Cajun boyfriend, you were literally the belle of the ball. The amount of compliments you had received on your outfit was impressive. You had to thank your friend for the simple, yet elegant outfit.

One of your classmates had stopped to compliment your outfit. After a short discussion, you and Snafu continued your way to your assigned seating. Smiling at one of your classmates, Snafu pulled you in closer to his body.

“Relax Snaf,” You smiled as you leaned your head onto his shoulder. “Don’t get your panties in a twist.”

“Whaddya talkin’ ‘bout? I’m fine. Justa’ lotta guys comin’ up ta you-I don’t blame them ‘doe. But if the-”

“Y/n!”

Snafu was cut off by your friend Hana. Best friends since birth, the two of you were inseparable. Same neighborhood, same high school, and same world-renowned university. Hana knew you better than your own parents at times. You left Snafu’s link to go give her a hug. Hana walked over and gave Snafu a pat on the back, knowing him quite well. You could tell she was a little standoffish with him since she thought he was way out of your league, but was glad to finally see you happy.

“Someone's looking dapper tonight!” Hana commented, patting Snafu’s shoulder. Snafu chuckled and nodded back, complimenting Hana’s (hideous) pink coral slacks. You saw Snafu’s confusion at how bright the pants were. Hana, even if she was your best friend, was a drastically different person from you. “Glad you brought him along, y/n. You guys look so cute together!”

Snafu stood right beside you. Feeling a firm hand on your waist, he looked over and gave you a devilish smirk. “Hana, my cher right here is ‘da real belle of the ball? They don’t even have to try-they just always look flawless.”

While being flirty, Snafu’s sweet side was starting to break through. The three of you chuckled as you gave Snafu a peck on the cheek. Cooing into his ear, “Merriell Shelton, you’re one heck of a kiss up.”

“What? I’m only speakin’ the truth.” He defended.

Hana smiled along at that, giving you a small wink. “Snafu is only speaking the truth. You guys are looking for your table?”

You nodded in response. The banquet hall was small and full of people. It was also dark which made it near impossible to find your assigned seating.

“We’re actually at the same table! Allow me to lead the way.” Hana stated. Snafu and you followed here through the crowd to the table. It mainly contained your classmates and a few of their families and friends. Everything was at peace until you saw a flash of a preppy patchwork suitjacket. It took a minute to process before it hit you and Snafu.

It was the one and only Chad.

Chad had been conversing with his friends.Upon seeing you, he let out a bostieorus laugh with his other preppy friends. Snafu felt immeidntly threatened in his presence, his hold tigenthing at your waist. He was trying to act tough but came off more as a child who’s favoruite toy was going to be taken away. As Chad stood up to come greet himself, you leaned over with your teeth gritted into a smile.

“Don’t say a damn thing. I can handle this.”

The tension between Chad and Snafu was evident. Here Chad was a young and egotistical frat boy who thousands of girls would squirm after. Here Snafu was, a bug-eyed Cajun with a heavy accent and one hell of an attitude. Chad still seemingly wasn’t over the fact that he was almost run over one time by Snafu. He even lightly joked about it, which didn’t sit well with any of you. This only caused Snafu’s burning hatred for Chad to grow even more. Chad was the gasoline and Snafu was the flame. Unfortunately, you and Snafu were placed right next to Chad and his friends. Hana was right next to you and knew that this wasn’t going to end well with the prepster and Cajun. Snafu would swing around the cheap whiskey in his cup and glare down Chad whenever he would even dare look at you. You hated the fact that Snafu was acting like this just because of Chad. The inner immature child in Snafu was beginning to show when Chad began to talk politics. It led to a passive aggressive agreement before you became the mediator before someone got a black eye.

Chad was busy talking to his goons when Snafu turned to you, a hand on your thigh. You placed your hand, squeezing it as you leaned in. “Bab-”

“I don’t like him. Prissy little bitc-”

“Merriell!” You scolded. “Langug-” Snafu smirked as he leaned in to whisper into your ear. “I ain’t a Proctologist, but I know an asshole when I see one. Do people think he’s straight? With those pink tight pants, it’s sendin’ another message.”

A snort escaped your mouth as you leaned into the Cajun’s shoulder. He did have a point though. What did people see in Chad that was so attractive?

Snafu noticed that you were amused by his humor. That devilish smirk you knew all too well was plastered on his face. “We should bust outta here, ditch the party and go back home. Watch a ninety day fiance. I like what’s on ‘da outside, but i wanna see what’s on ‘da inside…”

Snafu’s fingers crawled closer to your stomach. You bit your lip in response, your cheeks burning. It was so hard to resist him all dressed up and neat. Two could play this game.

“What the hell am I ever gonna do with you, Merriell Shelton?”

“Beats me, (Y/p) (Y/l/n).” He purred into your ear. It was definitely starting to become harder to resist him, especially when he called you by your professional name. But you had to contain yourself and watch over Snafu for another hour.

Your professor had walked over, interrupting your intimate moment. It was mostly for the better. Snafu had a chance to talk to your professor and learn more about the class you had been taking. He chatted up a storm with Snafu, who seemed integrued. Snafu wasn’t one for learning whatsoever. But anything that his partner would do was of interest. Your professor had even complimented Snafu saying that he had found a lovely partner. As he walked away, Snafu stood by and grabbed your drink to go get a refill. You attempted to get up but Snafu put a hand on your shoulder, holding you down.

“Sit down, darlin’.” He stated, saying a hard d in his creamy Cajun voice. “I’m takin’ care of my smart lil’ student.”

The next few events happened too quickly for you to process. Once Snafu had left, Chad had scooted into his seat. You could smell the vodka on his lips. He began to be his typical self, but got much more invasive of your space. You mostly ignored him as he talked about how rich his family was and his summer house on Nantucket. Hana wasn’t there, so you were stuck until Snafu came back.

Chad began to insulet your boyfriend. It started out as nothing more than a drunken rant, but things slowly came to tug at your heart. He began to make fun of his appearance, calling him “bug-eyed” and “dirty looking skin”. He made fun of his work occupation, outfit, almost anything and everything about him. It was definitely an uncomfortable situation. Where the hell was Snafu?

The breaking point was when Chad had wrapped his arm around you, asking you “What the hell do you see in that loser?”

The next events were full of discord. Snafu had come over, furious. He had yanked Chad out of his chair, yelling in his face. Chad began to cry, threatening to sue you and Snafu. He had also thrown pathetic insults at Snafu, which only made Snafu’s burning hatred brighter. Everybody had their eyes on Snafu, you, and Chad. Embarrassed, you grabbed Snafu and dragged him out of the venue. It was best for the both of you to leave before the police were called. The last words you heard before leaving were Chad’s drunken cry.

“You’ll be hearing from my lawyer next day! Hope you both get evicted from your shitty little apartment! You people are so evil!”

------

“You could have just ignored him!”

“Like hell! He had yah’ hand ‘round you, tryin’ to s-”

“Oh for the love of god!” You cursed. “I could’ve handled that on my own. You didn’t have to yank him out of his chair!”

“I did have ‘ta! He was assaultin’ you! You’re my c-”

“Merriell, do not cher me. This is serious,” You hissed. All you wanted to do was go to bed and escape this horrible nightmare. “He could charge you for assault. Even if it was minor, you did try to run him over with your car. There’s no way you could stand a chance against that. If you had let me handle it, it wou-”

Snafu raised his voice, “Y/N! HE WAS HARRASIN’ YOU! TRIED TO PULL DOWN ‘YER PANTS! WHAT ‘DA HELL DID YOU THINK I WAS GONNA LET HIM DO? YOU JUST NEED TO FUCKIN’ LISTEN SOMETIMES!”

His sour tone definitely made your whole body go numb. When Snafu raised his voice, you knew he was mad. He was usually pissed off at the world, but it was chilling to hear him scream. His eyes widened as the gel in his hair began to wear off; his unruly curls began to show. You stepped back, feeling tears sting at your eyes. Snafu, upon seeing this, freaked out. He had been irritated the whole night. The last thing he wanted was to see you all upset. Your lip began to quiver as warm tears streamed down your cheeks. The Cajun’s face softened, walking over to apologize. He had fear all over his face. You were the person he loved the most yet at times he had no idea how to comfort you. Emotions weren’t his speciality. He grew up greedy and selfish since it was all he knew. When he had met you, Snafu had truly changed. He didn’t know how to describe it, but you had made him a better person. You gave him hope that the world wasn’t such a shitty place.

Turning around, you walk upstairs and block out everything. Your eyes are full of tears, blinding your vision. Snafu followed after you, begging for forgiveness. He was like a lost, heartbroken puppy. Instead of heading towards your shared bedroom, you decided to hide away in the bathroom. Slamming the door, you back into the wall and slowly slide down. All you wanted to do was just let your emotions loose and not have to think about absolutely anything. You just wanted to be alone with your tears and nothing more.

-----

The tears eventually stopped with your vision cleared. You could feel the dry makeup under your eyes. Your arms and legs felt numb as you were backed to a wall, staring into the shower. What did your professor think? It was horribly embarrassing for you. There was no way you and Snafu could win a lawsuit against Chad. He knew the power he had over the both of you. It was going to be an absolute nightmare. Hana was most likely blowing up your phone with notifications. What di-

Your thoughts went away when you heard the bathroom door open. It was the one and only Snafu who had the look of a sad puppy. He normally wasn’t this soft, but his face was ridden with guilt. You didn’t even react when he walked over and sat right next to you, his thigh right next to yours. Staring at the wall, he let out a sigh. His big blue eyes were right on you.

“Cher,” His fingers trailed onto your chin as he gently turned your head. Your face was destroyed with ruined makeup. It looked like he wanted to say something, but he couldn’t bring himself to. Guilt was all over his face. But there was no time to be whining, all he could do was attempt to make things right.

“Come on,” Snafu cooed. Grabbing your hand, he gently led you up to look in the mirror. This was the second time you saw yourself in the mirror that night. You looked like you had been hit with a tornado. The once neat outfit had been wrinkled, your neatly gelled hair wispy and falling apart, and your face covered with runny makeup. Snafu had gone through the cabinet to grab some makeup wipes. His fingers titled your head to him as he ran it gently over your face. Instead of fighting back, you let him remove the makeup from your face. He made sure to clean off every little bit from your foundation to your lipstick. As he reached your eyes, he peeled off one of your fake leashes and jumped back.

“Sacre bleu!” He cursed, throwing the eyelash into the sink. Snafu was a man who was scared by nothing, except for a fake eyelash. You bit your lip, trying to hold back a chuckle.

“ ‘Da fuck is dat thing? Fuckin’ spiderweb lookin’ bitch. Looks like it has a damn life of its own...” Snafu ranted as his words slowly turned into french. He turned over to you, biting your lip as you held back a laugh.

A smirk appeared on his face as he placed his hands on his hips, “You’d wear this shit?”

“Hana gave them to me.” You shook your head, smiling. He did have a point; they looked like spiderwebs. “I know, they're ridiculous.”

You felt Snafu’s calloused hands grab your waist and halt you on top of the bathroom counter. “Well atleast you make them look hot. Speakin’ of hot, you looked amazing tonight…” He looked down before looking right back into your eyes. “Listen, I’m sorry darlin’. Just seein’ him bother you made me livid. Ain’t no one gotta treat my cher like ‘dat. Especially ‘dat vineyard vines lookin’ prissy.”

You let out a sigh, leaning into his shoulder. “God, his suit was awful…”

“Fuckin’ blindin’. Like, pick a struggle with ‘dat middle part and layerin polo shit…”

A snort escaped your mouth. Snafu wasn’t wrong; Chad looked even worse than he usually did. It was always bright, blinding colors matched with even brighter, more hideous clothes. Snafu’s hand gently caressed your hair as you leaned onto him.

“By the way…” You cooed into his ear, “I’m not condoning what you did, but hearin’ you rip Chad to pieces was kinda hot...”

“Want me ta’ do it again? I’d love to see his little face all scrunched uppa’ ‘gain.”

“God no,” Shaking your head, your hands fiddled with his unruly curls. “If you do, i’m gonna take away all your cigarettes. We can’t handle the lawsuit that’s coming.”

“Y/n, hate to break it ‘ta yah, but I’m not a rule follower. Can I atleast run him over with ‘ma car? Or steal his trump sign?”

“Snafu Shelton, what the hell am I going to do with you?”

Snafu wrapped his arms around you, holding you close. He held on tight, like a child holding a teddy bear. “Stay with me. Right here, right now.”

You smiled into his shoulder as the two of you were wrapped in each other's arms. Snafu was certainly a handful, but you loved him more than anything in the world. He was truly willing to do anything to protect your honor and make you happy. That was a true man, not a boy.

“Ok, your chokin’ me Snaf.” You stated. Moving his arms, Snafu looks at your eyes as you rubbed them. “What time is it?”

“Ten? Darcey and Stacey are on.” He said, grabbing your hand as he led you out of the bathroom into your bedroom. “We can poppa’ few beers and order from Shanghai.”

An relieved sigh escaped from your mouth. Alcohol and chinese food were the perfect cure to a horrible night. “Thank freakin’ god. Anythin’ to forget this god awful night.”

You walked away to throw on your sweatpants and one of Snafu’s flannels on. Suddenly, his hand grabbed yours as he pulled you back to whisper into your ear. “Can’t wait ta’ see you outta’ dat pretty lil’ number ‘ya got on.”

An over exaggerated gasp escaped your mouth as you playfully (gently) slapped his face. A snarky laugh escaped his mouth. You rolled your eyes as you walked over to change. “Keep it in ‘ya pants, soldier.”

“Sorry. Whenever I see yah, I lose control darlin’.” Snafu smirked devilishly. “Can’t help it that you're smart n’ sweet. Just like candy.”

“Seriously, what the hell am I going to do with you?” You repeat yourself as you finish changing. It baffled you how you could handle Snafu. He was a manchild at times.

The Cajun grabbed your waist and began to tickle you. You fought back as you held back your giggles. Carrying you to the bed, he laid you down as the two of you held each other. His hand drew careless figures into your back as you nestled your face into his neck. He placed a kiss into your face, gently sighing into it.

“I love you, y/n.”

“Love you too, you dirty bastard.”

December 29, 2021

We have reached that time of year where I must start preparing to apply for summer research internships.  (actually, I should’ve started this process weeks ago but alas)  If I’m lucky, I’ll be invited back to work with the PIs at the museum.  If I’m less lucky, they won’t have a spot for me, and I’ll need to get them to write me letters of recommendation for other programs that are, unfortunately, not nearly as focused on my interests because biological anthropology internships are few and far in between.  It’s like, I could settle for an archaeology internship or perhaps a biomedical one focused on genomics or something, but hominin/human evolutionary biology stuff is not easy to find.  Applications due in about a month for the programs I’m looking at.  And I’ve still gotta make a definitive list of grad schools.  Maybe that’ll come after the conference when I get to make connections.  I actually talked to my puzzle-friend about grad schools today.

Also as far as my The Opened Way arrangement goes, I think the problem is that I don’t completely understand how many moving parts there should be at one time.  I can generally come up with parts that fit within what I think the chord structure is (you must, however, consider the fact that I, with almost no knowledge of music theory, barely understand what a chord structure is), but when I put all the cool moving parts together, the things I hear in the recording and have transcribed plus the things I come up with, a lot of times it just sounds like noise.  And I don’t know why that is.  Which part makes it sound bad?  And see, I know the parts can work bc when I isolate parts I’ve made and play them alongside the main melody and baseline, everything sounds decent.  But all of my made up parts together?  A mess.  It’s weird.  I think the problem is having too many parts.  But how many countermelodies is too many?  What even is a countermelody, really?  If I have one cool syncopated (do I even truly know what that word means??) bassline, could I have other instruments just play long notes in the same pitch or nah??

And I know, I know, I just need to “read” more scores.  Maybe I should look into some old concert band pieces I’ve played.  The familiarity might help.  Just, probably not marching band/pops stuff bc pop music is incredibly simple from a notation standpoint.

I don’t plan to submit this arrangement for the spring semester’s repertoire, but maybe for next fall (...there will also likely be less competition then bc of all the graduating seniors).  Maybe I won’t submit it at all.  Dunno.

Speaking of projects, I’ve started working on the late Victorian walking skirt!!  It is going to be very heavy, I can already tell.  I decided to flatline the flannel panels with quilting cotton, as they would have done back ‘round the turn of the century to get a more structured look, but I’m afraid that my very cute but not particularly large rump may not be able to hold it all up.  I went for a pattern that is composed entirely of trapezoids because the best part of historybounding is that you can choose which parts of the garment you want to focus on for historical technique, and this go round I truly did not want to deal with a real pattern.  Someone posted drafting suggestions in the facebook group and I’m using those as a rough guideline, but really, this project is a bit of a hodgepodge of things I’ve learned from watching many many many many many walking skirt construction videos.

Anyway, I’m trying a new technique today where I’ve stopped working on the skirt at a point where it would’ve been really easy to continue.  My thinking is that instead of running myself ragged trying to basically complete it all in a night (which, like, I don’t think I could do, but I could get pretty darn close), I can pick up easily tomorrow without being entirely exhausted by the project.

Today I’m thankful for uh for the walk I took this evening with my cello-friend and puzzle-friend.  It wasn’t a sunset walk, as it was quite cloudy, but they were very kind to indulge me in calling it a sunset walk nonetheless.

I really need to clean my room.

About me taking breaks from this blog

Hey everyone!

You might have noticed that I’ve been taking intermittent breaks from this blog. I try to announce it when I am, because falling off the face of the earth isn’t exactly courteous of me.

I’ve been getting a lot of asks asking if I’m alright and/or if there’s a reason why I’m kind of shutting myself off.

And here’s the thing. I know I don’t technically owe anyone an explanation for why I’ve been doing that. 

But I do want to give one. 

So think of this as more of an update I guess? Anyways, update under the cut. 

Warning: it’s long.

So, about why I’ve been taking breaks/why I haven’t been as interactive lately.

I’ve been rolling this around for a long time and trying to form the words to express all this.

There’s several major factors going on here, but the TLDR is I have an issue with feeling guilty about everything, even when I have no obligation to a person or situation, and it’s tanking my mental health.

1. The first, and most inconsequential, is I’m back to school. 

I’m a full time college student generally and have been since I started this sideblog. But as of this semester, I’ve officially transferred to a new university, which means school is taking up more of my time. 

I’m also in an honors program now, which means maintaining a 4.0 is—for financial reasons—more important than ever. I’m a bit stressed out, I’m not gonna lie! 

Also, the switch to remote has been a particularly rough one. I’m having a really hard time defining the boundary between “school and homework time” and downtime, which means anytime I spend not doing homework is really just spent with me feeling overwhelmed with guilt that I’m not trying to get ahead in class.

2. The world is kind of going through shit right now.

I’d be a liar if I said the state of the world isn’t killing my motivation. There’s a lot of shit going on, and it’s overwhelming. It feels like the second we slow down to catch a breath, a new tragedy hits. 

3. My depression is kind of killing me.

Like everyone, isolation is fucking with me. It has the fun side effect of piling onto my depression, so I’ve been really having a hard time finding the will to do anything, even things I enjoy. 

This also links to that feeling of guilt over not being productive: I want to do something I enjoy, but I can’t because I’m consumed with guilt over the fact I’m not meeting some perceived “productivity quota”, so instead of doing that work, or doing something I enjoy, I do nothing. I’ve been sleeping more these past few months than I ever have, but I’m still tired all the time.

4. Family matters.

I’m lucky in that I’m quarantined with my parents, so I have some interaction, but that also means that I am quarantined with my abusive father. As a closeted, nb gay mixed-asian, being forced to spend almost all my time with my violently racist, homophobic and transphobic white dad has been uh. not great for my mental health.

He also just finished his second round of treatments and we’re waiting on a prognosis to see if he’s cancer free or not, so I’ve been grappling with my extremely mixed feelings surrounding him (as well as the fact that I’ll likely be outed at some point and have to plan for an emergency exit when I live in a different state than the rest of my family and the majority of my friends in the middle of a pandemic) for the past six months or so.

5. I have been teetering dangerously close to full burnout for about five months now, and I think it’s finally hit.

Like I mentioned, I’m sleeping more than I ever have in my life. I’m tired all the time, and I keep getting hit with waves of just. really aggressive sadness and isolation. I’ve cried more in the past month than I have in uh. years.

Writing fanfic is a hobby. The problem is, my hobby overlaps with my major: I’m a creative writing major, so a lot of my creative energy has been going towards that.

Trying to balance both is a really tricky line to walk, and I just can’t do it right now. I’m struggling enough with class as it is, so content creation has fallen to the wayside, and I feel really shitty about that, especially since it’s something I enjoy.

I also felt like I always had to be “on”/accessible for this blog. (This is a personal problem that stems from growing up in a very service based culture, and one I’m working on, but it required time away and better boundaries on my part.)

6. Increased sense of alienation from the fandom at large.

This is kind of linked to 5.

Being able to keep anon on is really important to me, I know I personally don’t always feel comfortable sending asks to people off anon (I’ve joked before that even with users I’m genuinely friends with, I send asks on anon bc I don’t want them to feel like I’m waiting on an answer). 

I only answer about a quarter of the asks I receive (I won’t say a quarter of the asks people send me given tumblr’s tendency to eat asks). About a third of the asks are: asking me when a fic of mine will be updated/a wip will be posted, accusing me of something, flat out rude/hateful, or asking really invasive personal questions. 

I’ve gotten a few asking me to elaborate on specific traumas that I don’t think I’ve even mentioned on this blog, which is both violating and extremely entitled: as if someone else gets to decide if my trauma is legitimate enough or something.

There are also the asks that I either don’t have the energy to give the love they deserve and avoid because I feel guilty about that, or just flat out I don’t want to answer.

But deciding not to answer the asks sent in good faith makes me feel incredibly guilty and ashamed. This, again, is a personal problem, and one I’m working on.

I also feel my hyperfixation on opm beginning to fade.

But generally, I just feel less connected to the fandom. It’s mostly because my lack of spoons means I’m not reaching out to people as much, but there are other factors too. It sounds dramatic, but I’m still a little shaken by the spat I had with another opm blog a couple of months ago.

And generally? I don’t think the fandom is as active anymore anyways. Some small, self-absorbed part of me still blames myself for some of that, because the timing of the fandom dying down and fracturing came right after the dispute I mentioned.

7. I really want this account to stay associated with happy things, and I’m not feeling too happy right now.

This blog was one I made because I enjoyed opm and wanted to have fun with it. I still love opm, and I love some of the friends I’ve made on here, but I just. I don’t feel the love for the fandom as a whole right now, and given all the negative emotions/things I just laid out, I’m worried about it somehow rubbing off on this blog, both for me, and for the people who follow me.

---

So yeah, that’s what’s going on on my end. I’m trying to stay positive and take care of myself, but I’m beyond overwhelmed, both for reasons related to, and entirely unrelated to this blog.

I want this blog to feel positive, and I worry this feels like I’m fishing for pity. That’s not it. I just need to get it off my chest, and kind of lay out where I am for you all, because I care about you.

Anyways, that’s all I got. I don’t know if I’ll delete this for now, but for the time it’s up, I’ll have it pinned to my blog. 

Love you all, and be gentle with yourself.

Cut Tsukasa Route Content 1 - Behind Side B

Hey guys, so I thought I’d share this snippet from a rough draft of Tsukasa’s route. I cut this scenario bc it was getting too long and it set up things that would’ve been better set up with a few sentences.

[Context: MC has arrived in Gedonelune and is starving. After arguing with the Acceptance Letter, he reluctantly lets them go to Hidamari Market. MC meets Hisoka and they quickly become friends, getting food and eating together]

The seating area was practically deserted when we reached there and although the Acceptance Letter was throwing a fit, I went to the nearest table and sat down. Acceptance Letter: “Unbelievable. Unbelievable! I’ve never had to escort such a rebellious little urchin before!” “Hey! I’m not an urchin! And I’ll be quick, like, I can finish this in fifteen minutes!” Acceptance Letter: “I’ll be watching the clock.” (Geez. What a stick in the mud.) I hurriedly took my dinner out of the bag and immediately dug in. Hisoka sat across from me, carefully unwrapping his own dinner. Hisoka: “Do you mind if I join you?” “Not at all!” [sic] “Do you eat there often?” Acceptance Letter: “Less talking, more eating!” I glared at it. Hisoka: “I do. It’s closest to my shop and it’s always open when I close up shop.” “Oh, you have a store here?” Hisoka: “I do! You should come by when you have the chance. It’s -” A young man walked by and suddenly Hisoka stopped. Hisoka: “Hey, Azusa!” He called out to the guy. He turned to face us and I almost choked on my sandwich. Hisoka was a very pretty man, but where he was a golden sort of beauty, this guy definitely had a darker sort of beauty, with deep charcoal hair and deep blue eyes. He looked a bit surprised, but came over to us with a small smile on his face. Hisoka: “I have the perfect solution to our problem.” He told me before motioning for Azusa to sit with us. Acceptance Letter: “What problem?!” Hisoka: “Are you done for the night, Azusa?” Azusa: “Yes, I just finished my shift at the Hendrick’s shop.” He took a seat at the head of our table, practically falling into the chair. Hisoka: “I don’t want to pile more work onto you, but could you do me a favor. [NAME] here is just starting out at the Academy and needs to get there. Perhaps you could take them and give their Acceptance Letter a break.” The soup in my mouth almost spilled down my shirt as I flinched. No no no no no! Azusa could NOT take me to the Night Class! There was no way I could spill the beans on that secret! “No, it’s fine, Hisoka! I’m perfectly content with the Acceptance Letter taking me there, even if he’s a little cranky!” I hurriedly tried to shoot down Hisoka’s request. Acceptance Letter: “They’re right. As annoying as they are, it’s my job to get them to the Academy in one piece.” Hisoka: “Are you sure? Even if Gedonelune is fairly safe, you still shouldn’t be walking around by yourself at night.” Acceptance Letter: “They have me!” Azusa: “Yes, but how much help would you be if there was an altercation? I’m already heading to the Academy, anyway. It wouldn’t be too much for me to go with you.” “No, really, I’m fine with just the Acceptance Letter! Really! I appreciate the offer, but I’ll be okay.” Azusa: “You may be fine with it, but I don’t think either of us would be comfortable letting you go on your own. You need to be careful at night, especially in port cities.” (They’re really not letting up. I mean… Maybe I could at least let Azusa lead me there and then just. Make him go to his dorm so I can sneak off to the Night Class. That could work, right?) “Well, if you insist… I suppose it wouldn’t hurt.” Hisoka gave me a warm smile. Hisoka: “Great! I’ll sleep better knowing you go to campus safely. Azusa’s more than capable to help you out if you run into trouble.”   I probably wasn’t going to, but okay. I just smiled and nodded, taking another bite of my sandwich. (What have I gotten myself into?) As soon as I finished my food, the Acceptance Letter was pushing me out of my seat and back on our journey. He seemed even pushier now. He didn’t even rest as Azusa and I said goodbye to Hisoka; ever since I agreed to Azusa escorting me, he was in a bad mood. I didn’t really blame him. It wasn’t like he knew my plan. Azusa: “So, you’re just transferring in?” “Yeah.” Azusa: “This is kind of a weird time to start classes.” “I know. I guess they want to see how well I can catch up with the other students. I mean why else would they be starting me this late?” Acceptance Letter: “It’s a tradition for non-foreign transfer students to start a month after the semester starts.” “It’s still weird though.” Azusa: “I agree. When my brother and I enrolled, we started the semester with everyone else.” Acceptance Letter: “Your situation was different.” Azusa: “But it’s still weird to have students start late.” “How long have you been at the Academy?” Azusa: “It’s my first year here, but I skipped a few grades so I’m a Taurus.” (That’s… That’s literally two grades…) “Whoa, that’s pretty incredible.” Azusa: “Haha, not really. I’m a bit older and I’ve had a lot of practice using magic back home, so it wasn’t a big deal.” “Home?” Azusa: “My brother and I are from Hinomoto, although we’ve been living in Gedonelune for the past 4 years.” “Hinomoto?” Azusa: “It’s a bunch of islands east of Gedonelune.” “Oh. Sorry, I’m not great with geography.” Azusa: “No, it’s fine. I hear it a lot.” (At least it’s not just me…) Azusa: “Where are you from?” “Oh, you would’ve never heard of it, either. I’m from a super tiny town in the countryside called Reitz.” Azusa: “Is this your first time in Gedonelune?” “Yeah! I wish I would’ve been able to see it during the day, though.” Azusa: “You’ll be able to. Once a month, we’re allowed to go into town.” “Oh, that’ll be fun!” Azusa and I chatted as we made our way through town and over the bridge that connected the town with the peninsula the Academy was on. By the time we passed through the gates, my legs felt like jelly and I was ready to collapse. (I really wish one of the Prefects had picked me up… Maybe we could’ve ridden all this way… And I still have to walk to the Night Class’s part of campus). Acceptance Letter: “We’re going in the completely wrong direction.” My body seized up the moment the Acceptance Letter spoke. Azusa just looked at it with surprise. Azusa: “What are you talking about? The dorms are this way.” Acceptance Letter: “[NAME] isn’t in your class. They’re a Night Class student.” “Acceptance Letter?!” (Why was he spilling the secret so casually?!) As I started to have a breakdown, Azusa’s face lit up. Azusa: “The Night Class? That’s great! I’ll take you there.” … Okay, not the response I was expecting. “You… You know about the Night Class?” Azusa: “Of course I do. My brother’s enrolled in that program. I can go say hi to him before heading back to my dorm.” He immediately started backtracking, not even looking back at me. “Hold on! Wait for me!” I scrambled after him. Was it just me, or did he pick up his pace? Azusa: “You should have told me you were a Night Class student. I wouldn’t have taken you so far into campus if I’d known.” “I’m supposed to keep the Night Class a secret. Why in the world would I tell you?” Acceptance Letter: “My apologies. I just wanted this one to walk a little longer as punishment for not minding me earlier.” “?!?!” (Asshole!) Azusa: “While I enjoy that level of spite, perhaps next time you could do something that doesn’t punish someone who did nothing wrong.” His tone was a level of scathing that I wouldn’t have expected from him. (Oof. I better not cross him. That’s kind of scary…)

So I’ve always been curious and wasn’t to sure if you’ve answered this before but, what exactly is it about mg that made you fall in love with it in the first place and what makes you keep coming back (even though I know that right now your in a bit of a funk with that show)

i think i’ve answered this before pretty quickly/succinctly but i’m not sure if i’ve ever gone in-depth, so i can do that now when i have the time to kill! this may be the longest answer to an ask that i’ve ever written so read at your own risk!

i initially bought tickets when i heard taylor (louderman) was cast, since i had been dying to see taylor live in something since 2012. i bought those tickets in fall 2017 when they went on sale, for june 2nd 2018, about a month after i would get home from college for the semester. so i had some time to hype myself up.

in that time period i really, really fell in love with the rest of the cast. they seemed bright eyed and fun and watching the excitement as so many of them got ready to make their broadway debuts was just infectious. i don’t talk about it a lot, but the first half of 2018 was a pretty dark period for me. looking forward to seeing this show, waking up early before class to watch them get nominated for 12 tonys, waiting for erika’s vlogs each week, are the things that kind of kept me going and kept me smiling while everything else in my life was going on. i also started making a new friend on here with my newfound love of mean girls: i had followed gwen ( @erikahenningsen ) for a few years since the pitch perfect fandom days, but when she popped up on my dash with mg content, i actually reached out and started talking to her. and idk if i’ve ever told her but that helped me a lot in a weird, lonely spot in my life (as talking to her tends to do in ALL my weird, lonely spots now, two years later).

by the time that day in june came around, i had decided to leave college (something else i don’t talk a lot about) due to my mental health being completely in pieces. i didn’t know what i was doing with myself from there. i didn’t really feel like i had anything to look forward to long-term, so i was just hanging on to things i was excited for in the short-term, and the biggest of those things was mean girls. so it’s honestly a miracle that my expectations weren’t totally crushed with that much riding on it lmao. but i just remember sitting in that theater and feeling two and a half hours of pure, unadulterated joy for the first time in months (and it was the day that the bus got stuck onstage! my first theatrical mishap!). i was just so HAPPY, and i needed that more than ever.

i was for sure so excited to see my “idol” (i guess that’s the word?) onstage for the first time, i was super excited to meet gwen in person for the first time, as i said in a previous ask i also ended up getting my first job from that weekend, but i went back to see it again ten days later mostly just because i wanted to feel that initial joy again. and i did. it left a grin on my face for the next week.

then i won the lottery in august to see jonalyn’s regina debut and getting to watch her have that moment and watching the cast support her (and getting to sit front row for the first time!) just made me feel so warm inside and made me really start getting attached to these wonderful people and the work they put in eight times a week. the next time i went, a week and a half later, is when i met the rest of what would become the “mellow cool squad” and later turn into my chosen family. from that point on…it was history.

so, i fell in love with this show because it brought me happiness during a time when not a lot of things did. 

but i kept coming back because of what it brought me afterwards. because of mean girls, i found my best friends. because of mean girls, i met the person who gave me the most meaningful romantic relationship i’ve ever had (no matter how it ended). this show has been a backdrop and a safe place to gather for so many special moments over the past two years, and it has just become a part of my life in a way i can’t describe. when i’m feeling down, i can be cheered up by a trip to mean girls. when i want to celebrate something, i usually would ask that we celebrate at mean girls. it’s so hard to describe “why” exactly i keep going back, except that it just…makes me happy. it feels like a home.

and this is due in no small part to the people in that theater, onstage and off. they are a huge reason why i’m so passionate about this show. the staff and security at the august wilson have made me feel taken care of in a way that i am so thankful for. i will always appreciate having a buddy on security who, when i had to run to the lobby at the end of act one because of some weird piercing headache, came to bring me water and tylenol and sat down to joke with me about his kids until intermission started. i appreciate having someone at the box office who asks how i’m doing and what i’ve been up to lately when i go to pick up my tickets. and this cast…some of the most meaningful words on dark days have come from erika when she’s seen i’m having a rough time. some of the funniest conversations i’ve ever had in my life, and the ones that have taught me the most about myself as a person, have been the ones i’ve had with gianna. taylor has gone out of her way to joke with me and ask how work is going, because she knows how much of the work i do is due to how much i look up to her. and so on. every person who has joined or left this cast has left an impact on me in one way or another. it’s why i go out of my way to see every understudy i can! not just because i want to experience the performance for myself, but also because i want to support the people who have, either knowingly or unknowingly, supported me in little ways.

so………..this was a HUGE ramble but basically. i love this show because it has fundamentally improved my life and made me happier, at every level, as i’ve grown and changed as a person for two years (even if i don’t always agree with the decisions they make, as y’all love to point out). and as long as i have the money and the time, i keep going back because of that! that’s why i guess, to put it in your words, i’ve been in a bit of a “funk” about it lately. that show that made me so happy is starting to disappear, both bc of content changes and bc the people who made it a home are moving on. i hope any of this made sense. ❤️

a list of asks

@padawanyugi tagged me in this, but Tumblr decided to eat any notification that I got tagged, so I’m glad I saw it on my dash because I like filling these things out. Thanks for tagging me! I may have typed A Lot.

Favorites: What types of books do you enjoy? Tell about what you’ve read recently (Or maybe about a book you hated recently!)I like spec-fic and sci-fi, although less “hard” science fiction, and I also enjoy fantasy. I read a lot of YA even though I’m in my 30s just because it seems easy to find a story I want to read and I’m not usually in the mood for dense prose.

I’ve been rereading the Wheel of Time series since it’s getting an Amazon TV show; it was my first non-LOTR fantasy series and I love it to death, warts and all, although I love joking about the weak points with other people who’ve read it. I think the last other thing I read was A Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue, which was a queer YA historical fiction, and it was a lot of fun. I wish I’d had access to all these queer stories when I was an actual teenager, but better late than never.

What types of music do you like to listen to? Share five songs from your music library. I really do like a bit of everything, although I gravitate towards certain genres more often depending on the season or time of day, so I’m going to cheat and pick 5 per season. Summer for me is lots of peppy pop (pride playlists!), punk and rock and punk-adjacent stuff, just upbeat stuff in general. -Weekender, by The Royal They -Break My Heart, by Dua Lipa -Toutes les femmes savent danser, by Loud -Ruby Soho, by Rancid -Womanarchist, by Bad Cop, Bad Cop

In the fall, my inner goth kid craves darkwave, goth rock, dramatic folk, roots rock, and also anything that reminds me of Halloween. -Iuka, by the Secret Sisters -Bela Lugosi’s Dead, by Bauhaus -How’s It Gonna End, by Tom Waits -Under the Milky Way, by The Church -I Put a Spell on You, by Screamin’ Jay Hawkins I could go on about the Christmas music I like at length (Boney M’s Christmas album slaps, ngl) but I’ll just skip that and say that I listen to more classical and piano pieces in the winter. I’m terrible at remembering names, so artists only: -Ludovico Einaudi -Chopin -Debussy -Saint-Saëns -Dvořák And in spring I’m usually just depressed af and listen to whatever. -FML, by K.Flay -Weird Part of the Night, by Louis Cole -Juodaan Viinaa, by Korpiklaani -P.O.H.U.I., by Carla’s Dreams -Marryuna, by Baker Boy

Do you have a show or movie that you can just put on anytime and it’s your comfort? Definitely Star Trek. I’ve rewatched the various iterations (except TOS) so many times. Also Mean Girls and Bring It On, idk why.

Do you have a favorite dessert? Tiramisu or creme brulée! Or macarons. I don’t eat dessert really unless I’m at a restaurant.

Do you have a favorite cold drink? Sparkling water, hands down.

Do you have a favorite game? The hours I have put into the SIms in my lifetime is probably shameful, although I haven’t played in a while. Don’t Starve is another contender for hours played, but I am also really fond everything by Amanita Design

Do you have a favorite part of your self care/beauty/health routine? I haven’t been doing it much lately since I’ve been dealing with some uncertain health issues with my joints (actually have a rheumatologist appointment later today), but savasana after a long yoga workout is borderline ecstasy.

Do you have a favorite type of take-out food? Indian for sure.

What’s your favorite type of exercise/physical activity? I have a love-hate relationship with running. I don’t actually love it but I love how I feel after. I really enjoy yoga. I love playing in the water at the beach, bodyboarding and swimming.

Pick between: (you choose the context)

Cook or bake? (I love cooking A Lot)

Space or ocean? (Hard to pick, but I grew up by the ocean and it’s 100% my happy place)

Chocolate or vanilla?

City or suburb or rural? (I grew up in an isolated rural village and I miss the quiet and the slower pace of life, but I do not miss the lack of amenities and opportunities, or the smalltown gossip. I also don’t drive bc of epilepsy, so I’m fucked as far as transport in rural settings.)

Past or future?

Shower in the morning or evening?

Mac/Apple or PC/Android? (Linux in general!)

Sing or dance?  (I don’t have an amazing voice but I can carry a tune without it being painful, and I love singing along with songs.)

Get up early or sleep in? (I actually love sleeping in but with two kids, early morning is my only time to myself, so I wake up before 6 most days AGGH.)

Shoes, socks, or bare feet? (Hate socks. I’m barefoot at home all year round.)

Marker, crayon, or pencil? Pen!

Tea, coffee, or hot chocolate? (Coffee in the morning, tea later on.)

Random questions:

Have you ever had any pets? (Had dogs and a cat as a kid, and as an adult I’ve had betta fish and cats, and I have a cat currently.)

What is your academic background/job field? I did my undergrad in linguistics, and I am currently a stay-at-home dad lol. I do freelance editing and transcription on the side. I don’t think I’ll ever work in my field bc I really don’t have the energy to go to grad school.

What’s something random that you’re into (even if you aren’t good at it)? I signed up for a Cape Breton step dancing class in university and I loved it.

Are you good at putting away your clean laundry right away? It depends on the day, but generally yes. Mine and everyone else’s. When I lived alone? Absolutely not.

What’s one of your pet peeves? Someone trying to have a conversation with me when they have the radio or TV on. I can’t follow what you’re saying if someone else is speaking! I hate having that stuff on as background noise in general.

What’s something you’re pretty good at? I’m a great cook.

What’s the most recent nice thing you bought for yourself? A new conditioner ig? lol

Can you sew? I can mend a small tear or sew on a button, but it’s been years since I did more than that.

What’s a chore you hate (or a chore you enjoy)? I hate vacuuming so much. So much. Maybe if I had a better vaccuum cleaner I wouldn’t mind it, but I just feel like I’m fighting with the stupid thing, getting caught up on its own cords, caught on furniture, can’t quiiiite reach a spot... HATE IT. I like shoveling snow sometimes, though.

Tell us a fun fact about yourself. I am 20 years older than my youngest sibling, and five minutes younger than my “oldest” sibling.

Never have I ever... Gone fishing, even though I’m from a fishing community.

What extracurriculars did/do you do in school? In high school, I played trumpet in band until the band got dissolved from lack of funding. I played soccer one year, was in a play another year. We had an art club for like a semester that I was in. In university the first time round, I did step dancing and intramural hide and seek  Second time around, I was in the linguistics club to help with assignments. (We were very much encouraged to work in pairs or groups for a lot of different classes. The only thing was that you did need to list your group members on the assignment so the prof knew who you worked with. My first morphology class in particular, we had a whole homework club where a huge portion of the class got together to work through assignments and help each other understand, and the prof would quite often show up. </tangent>

Deeper questions:

How’s your quarantine/last few months been? The cabin fever was really bad before the weather warmed up. I struggle with seasonal depression every spring, and it’s gotten much worse since we moved to Edmonton because of how long the winters are. (Snow from September to May/June? Fucccck.) It’s frankly horrifying to look at what’s going on in the US, but even though we have far fewer cases here, I’m really anxious that we’ll see another wave soon. Otherwise, I think I’ve adjusted. Home-schooling, hand-sanitizing, social distancing, masks...All feels kind of normal now, which should maybe concern me.

What do you think of human nature/society/etc.? I am like the least philosophical person you will meet so I don’t think I really have many thoughts.

What’s something you are insecure about? Writing my L2 if a native speaker is gonna read it.

What do you think is the meaning of life/reason that humans exist in the universe? I don’t think there is one, and that doesn’t bother me.

Do you think you’re better (whatever that means to you) than you used to be? Definitely. My adolescence and early adulthood was rough. I was dealing with a lot of trauma, untreated bipolar disorder, and I self-harmed for a very long time. I could not imagine making it to 30, let alone being stable and happy. I actively avoided thinking about the future because it made me spiral. But I was lucky enough to get help, consistent help from a doctor I clicked with, and it made a world of difference. I think younger me would be disappointed at how mundane my life is, but I’m thrilled to be boring because boring means no life-upending mood episodes. I have a happy partnership and two delightful kids and I couldn’t ask for more.

What are your thoughts on religion? I’m not religious and my own experience being raised in the Catholic church was frankly traumatic, but I know that it’s a source of comfort and community for many others and I think that’s awesome for them.

Do you think that there are aliens out there? I think so, although I think that we may not even know what other kinds of life to look for and may not recognize it even if we find it.

What’s something that’s been on your mind recently? We’re moving cross-country in less than a month (driving, no less, nearly 5000 km) and I still have so much to do to get ready aosjdoajdoasijdoaijsd

ahhh youre writing big little luthor fic and thinking of me?! i am cry you are too nice like whatt. im sorry your fam situation is rough rn too. this time of year is a lot and being home is the worst bc dads and fucked childhoods and triggers everywhere ya know. i hope your bff shows up and whisks you away to somewhere happy and better and healthy. 1/3 (but you dont have to post or reply to the other pts if its too much ok? i just love you a lot and will stop spamming now ahh ok byee)

ive had awful stuff happen in that vein and The One time i talked to my dad about it a year ago he had a similar response to yours and it fucked me up really badly, maybe i still am abt it tbh. i tried explaining how much it hurt but.. just. im so so sorry you had to not only go through that trauma but then had to hear that type of response. ik you prob know this but youre feelings are valid and none of it was your fault. no matter the circumstances and what you said or was wearing or took. 2/3

im so sorry we share this trauma too, like knowing that literally cleaves my heart, its just so awful and heartbreaking and i hate that anyone else would have to go through that. whether by choice or not, its incredibly brave and strong of you to talk about it to the office and to him. and honestly just the fact that you did that is huge. ik the response hurts enormously but the fact that you shared it at all is something you can be proud of yourself for. im sending out a hug to you if itsok 3/3

this is- im gonna cry this is so nice literally never feel bad about spamming me im a needy bitch who loves attention and im just- like pleasE im so good with hugs you dont even knoW how bad i need one right now-

oh ok but get a load of thiS right so the only reason that i told him in the first place is cause mans was being a huuuuuge dick about my school and stuffs cause he thinks im Big Stoopid™ and loooooves telling me all about how he thinks im Big Stoopid™

and he started doing this over famiLy dinner out at the mall and like laughing and stuffs being like ‘oh haha how many classes did you sleep through this semester cause you’re lazy and have no work ethic? i bet you dropped chemistry, didn’t you’ (he thinks he’s absolutely hilarious i swear) and my brothers were all 0_o and my mom was all 0_o and so after like a lil bit i had had enOUGH and i was all ‘you know waht buddy i DID drop chemistry ok but you know what i’m kind of DEALING with some stuff right now so i’d APPRECIATE it if you just CHILLED with that’

and i didNT EVEN TELL HIM ANY DETAILS OK like he knows absolutely jACK shit about what happened he just knows that something happened with a boy and it’s bad enough that im having to talk to the sexual violence office people and all my friends are trying to get me to press charges and yada yada yada …. and STILL

this mans comes up to me the next morning after a whole night of radio silence on his part and says ‘yea i bet you were drinking or doing drugs, cause that only increases your chance of being sexually assaulted’ and again mans knows absolutely NOTHING about what happened with this boy so i’m just sitting there like 0_o because for all he knew i was just minding my own fuckin business reading a mcfreakin book in the library on a tuesday night and then a random boy decided he was gonna go have sex with me even if i said no (i mean thats not what happened but like still bro what the fuck)

and this ^ was all over thanksgiving break right

so i come back here for winter break and i’d only been here for like less than 24 hours and he’s kind of being a dick as always but he also scares the ever loving shiTballs out of me right so i approach him super super nicely like ‘hey you know that thing you said to me after i told you about that sexual assault thing? well i just want you to know that thats probably not a good thing to be saying in response to someone who’s just confided something like that in you, ok?’ 

and then mans absolutely blows the FORK up at me as if i’ve just chucked his prized bug collection straight into the atlantic (seriously, he loves bugs and it’s the weirdest fuckass thing in the whole world)

like he’s yelling, nearly throwing things, the whole deal

and the whole time im standing there like 0_o because like oh DAMN and then hes all ‘it’s your fault’ and im like 0_o and hes all ‘i never did drugs’ and im all ‘ok? good for you?’ and hes all ‘ive nevER done anythign bad like that cause i am a christiAN’ and im all ‘ok boomer’ and hes all-

long story short i really need this mans to take a xanaX because this is just nOT what i signed up for oh my lord

anyways was that the most massive overshare of the century? probably

will i regret it later? there’s a fairly high chance

but seriously these asks mean the whole world to me and made me smile so goofy big and i really hope things are going okay for you over there (wherever youre at)

tl;dr thank u everyone for making my life easier and i finally graduated!! the school portion of my life is done and i made it partially due to all of u so i’m really grateful for this platform and everyone i got to meet and talk to

i wish everyone luck with exam season still going on rn and i hope life treats u well and u all achieve what u strive for

for anyone that knows i made this blog when i moved states, junior year of high school

i just wanted an outlet to create and post things i liked and in the process i’ve meet a lot of great ppl and it really became a part of my life? whenever i’m stressed and needed advice or help i would post here and surprisingly a lot of people have taken the time out of their day to message me

i don’t know if any of my followers from the beginning are still here since it’s been a good...7? ish years lol but a lot have happened....a lot and i’m really grateful to have such awesome people follow me

i remember the first big social event i went to i had a breakdown bc a guy wouldn’t leave me alone and my social anxiety was through the roof and you guys comforted me

i remember the first time i felt upset within my major and asked everyone for background on their majors and college experience and what i should do and i got so many different stories and suggestions 

i remember when i couldn’t do an programming assignment and posted here asking for help out of frustration and, surprisingly, a handful of people reached out to me to help further explain the problem to me and looked over small bits of my code

i remember when even after switching, i felt like i was in the wrong major bc it was too hard for me and people took the time to listen to me, encourage me, and give me advice and suggestions of various paths i could take

i remember when i had a rough semester and didn’t know if i should drop a class of not bc that meant having my expected graduation date extended again....and ofc like the trend has been lol so many of you listened to my fears and helped me calm down and reach a decision 

and honestly, i will share one small thing here since i know i sorta stopped updating or talking about my problems here but my last year of university was definitely the one where i grew the most bc i’ve struggled with my social anxiety throughout my whole life tbh but i really stepped out of my comfort zone a lot more this year (2017-2018) and met a lot of nice people ♥ there were so many times where i just wanted to retract myself back into my hole lol but i truly appreciate everyone that accepted me and was so nice to me and helped (lightly) push me in the right direction (esp that one friend that graduated last semester)

i don’t know if anyone has read this far or if anyone remembers any of these since i’ve had this blog for so long and naturally people come and go especially on social platforms like this one

but basically i went through my fair share of stuff and if i didn’t have this blog as an outlet i don’t really know where i would have turned to.. so to have so many take the time to listen and respond to me i’m seriously so grateful

i don’t know where or how i would’ve been like without this blog and without everyone that gave me their ear during the times where i needed people to listen

i also appreciate everyone that shared my happy moments with me lol it’s not just me being stressed all the time and also those that kept me company sending me asks and playing those simple ask games whenever i reblogged those lmao just really simple things make me happy :”)

i’m finally closing another chapter in my life and opening another, hopefully i’ll be able to still update you guys on my life and we can create even more memories together!! i hope you all achieve the success that you strive for 

remember that i will be here if you need someone to listen to you and if you need advice i’ll try my best to help just like everyone that helped me so don’t hesitate to reach out~

Chantal Sanchez, MTS ’22

“I'm from Southern California. My first time actually leaving California was to come all the way to Boston for my undergrad at Boston College. I studied physics there during my first year, until luckily, being at a Catholic school, I was forced to take theology and philosophy. That's how I fell in love with theology.”

Chantal Sanchez, MTS ’22, is a second-year MTS student studying South Asian religions and is a member of the Harvard Buddhist Community's Buddhism and Race speaker series planning committee.

From Academic Decathlon to Lifelong Passion

During my senior year of high school, I quit the softball team and joined something called “academic decathlon,” which was basically like a nerd competition. It was all the seven subjects – econ, science, math, social science, literature, music, art – and then speech, interview, and an essay. Every year, the competition focuses on a specific subject. The year I joined, it was all about India. So I learned an obscene amount about India.

At the end of that year, I graduated and started at Boston College as a physics major. We had a few key requirements, including theology and cultural diversity. When I saw there was a Hinduism class that counted for cultural diversity, I was like, cool – I just learned all about India. So I took that class, along with another in comparative Islam and Christianity. Starting with those classes, I fell in love with the study of theology. In my Hinduism class, in particular, I realized I enjoy the work. I had developed a relationship with the professor, and I was loving what we were learning. By my sophomore year, I had switched my major from physics to theology.

Fast forward to the end of sophomore year, as I was preparing to study abroad in France. I heard from my Hinduism professor that there was a study abroad in Nepal that I didn't know about. I changed my plans, and I ended up doing a language program for three weeks in India before flying to Kathmandu, Nepal, for four months of study abroad.

For the academic decathlon in high school, I had learned Indian history from the beginning of time all the way up to the current day. I remember seeing a picture of the wind palace, Hawa Mahal, when I was studying during my senior year of high school. On study abroad, I actually got to see it in real life, in Jaipur. I had learned so much from books, so much about India’s historical background, deities, and iconography. Before going there, I knew that book religion is very different than place practice, as it always is. But seeing the doctrines and beliefs I had learned about in real life was transformative.

My studies abroad solidified things for me: I would specialize in South Asian religions. Today, that's what I'm doing at HDS.

Curiosity and Faith

I grew up in a secular household. My mom was 17 when she had me, so she was a child herself. She didn’t know what religion was, and she didn't really want to force anything on us. We actually shopped around different religions, like Latter Day Saints, Jehovah's Witness, a myriad of random Christian churches in So-Cal. A lot of them were hippie types of places – just music the whole time. I think we even went to a temple. When I was 12 she told me and my sister, you guys figure it out. I'm not going to tell you what to believe.

For a while, I was just kind of neutral to religion. I felt like I respected human beings, regardless of their beliefs. But I was still curious about faith. I always wondered, what is it about people that makes them believe? I always thought about it, especially the way religion connects so many people in the world.

During my study abroad in college, I often went to the Shiva temple with my host family in Nepal. There was one random Sunday when I was on my way to meet up with some friends from school, and I had an intense need to go to the Shiva temple on my own. I thought, OK, I already know the routine: I circumambulate this tree, touch this, do this. So I did it, on my own. Stopping at the temple became part of my routine for walking to school every day.

There was another moment when I was studying at the Buddhist monastery in Nepal, where there were practicing monks of all ages. One of my teachers was actually a Buddhist monk, who taught us, verse by verse, one of their founding texts, just as if we were monks in the monastery as well. I remember once, my friend and I went down to daily puja, which means worship. This worship involved a lot of sounds. They blow horns, there's a drum, and sometimes they chant. We were sitting and meditating in this cacophony of noises, which might surprise some people who don't think that's how you practice, especially meditation-wise. But it was in that moment of being drowned by all these sounds that I found clarity. I realized this is for me.

After being at a monastery and having these experiences, I've recently fully identified as Buddhist. I have my own Buddhist shrine altar. I’m on an interesting journey.

Coming to HDS

As a first-gen college student, I didn't know anything about college. I didn't even know Boston College was Jesuit until I got there, which is ridiculous. I had a theology professor during my freshman year who really helped me figure out that college is meant to explore what you think, not just to get a job. The job will come later, she told me, as long as you find your interests.

This professor, along with my Hinduism professor and another theology professor, helped lay the stepping stones for me. That path ultimately led me to grad school.

As I geared up for grad school applications, I was looking for schools that would support my specific studies. But I also loved the Jesuit values of Boston College, which is very much whole-person oriented. That was something I had in mind as well, that I wanted an environment that would develop me as a person.

I did Diversity and Explorations in 2019, which allowed me to meet some professors and see Harvard Divinity School. Ultimately, this visit, along with my wish to specialize and have interactions with a myriad of different religions and different people, is really what solidified my decision to come to HDS.

Exploring Interests in New Ways

For my senior thesis at BC, I focused on how the participation of women in politics has grown through Hindu nationalism, which is an interesting paradox. When you look at a fundamentalist right-wing type of organization, it usually hearkens back to traditional values. The traditional values of womanhood are to stay in the home. But now you have these women who are fierce proponents of Hindu nationalist politics who are in leadership positions. It's an interesting thing to see. I explored that during my senior thesis, and I’ve explored that more at HDS. In particular, I took a religious nationalism class this past year that gave me a breadth of understanding of religious nationalism, historically and all over the world. It really put my thesis into perspective.

I think one of my favorite classes I took this past year was called Writing South Asia. It was like an everyday English literature class, but focused on South Asian writers. I got to read poetry anthologies, novels, and plays from critical South Asian authors. It was like a breath of fresh air, honestly. Outside of academics, I always read fiction. I appreciated the chance to read genres that I read on my own time in an academic context, as well as the opportunity to gain a different perspective on my studies within South Asia (in particular, a perspective from South Asian voices, rather than from academic texts written by old white men).

Another favorite this past semester was my “Introduction to Buddhist Commentaries” class with Charles Hallisey. We read an entire commentary a week, which is a lot of reading and a lot to process. But the class really helped me understand how to look at what scripture is. We asked, what is text versus scripture? What is the meaning versus my meaning? Can we even use the word scripture in terms of Eastern religions? That class really was a mind-blow.

Remote Learning, Real Challenges

I initially thought I would apply for a Fulbright to continue my undergraduate thesis research after graduation. But unfortunately, I don't know anymore. A lot of that is because of the past year of Zoom University was unkind to me. I was very depressed all this past year because of school online.

I've always been a very driven person, and school has been my life. As a first-gen college student, since I was born, that's what my whole family told me to do. Your only job was to go to college. To not know what I want any more has been a little bit rough. I'm a little lost, and I hope that going back in person, making some connections, and talking with people will help me get back on track.

But among not having a great time this whole past year, a highlight was my Hindi Professor Richard Delacy. We had Hindi class four days a week. It was the most fun, engaging online class ever.

I also enjoyed being a part of the Harvard Buddhist Community's Buddhism and Race speaker series planning committee. We helped organize an eight-month long speaker series, which we’ve been planning since September of last year. All first semester we planned, contacted speakers, and figured out the funding. Since January of this year, we’ve “hosted” one speaker a month to explore different topics relating to the large umbrella of what ‘Buddhism and Race’ entails. A focus has been how we can look at our own practice of Buddhism and the Dharma and apply that to the issue of our time: race and racism.

Looking Forward

I’m really looking forward to being able to meet people and make friends! I didn’t make many because of Zoom and I can’t wait to diversify. I am also really excited to just be a part of the greater Harvard community. In undergrad, I was always going to random events here and there if I had a spare hour and I hope to be able to do the same now. And of course, I am particularly pumped to be continuing my work with HBC’s Buddhism and Race committee as we gear up to plan a dynamic in-person event in spring of 2022!

Interviewed and edited by Gianna Cacciatore; photos courtesy of Chantal Sanchez.

Why am I still taking orgo? I started the sequence bc I thought I wanted to do premed, now I know for sure I'm almost exclusively into research work. Gave myself a five class semester with a course I have no business continuing to take/continuing to allow ruin my gpa, only so that I don't lock myself out of a decision too early. Anyone here decide for/against med school? I'm not sure I have the innate drive to work with patients (esp after covid) many other premeds seem to have.

Response from Soup Cat:

sorry, this (along with all the other questions we're working through rn) has probably been sitting in the inbox for ages :((( i'm sorry to hear that orgo/this semester have been rough, but i'm glad to hear that you're taking the time to reflect on your goals and interests.

i know it may not have been particularly fun, but i do honestly think it's for the best that you stuck with orgo this semester. this way, you haven't closed off the door to being premed (some fields such as pathology, radiology, anesthesiology, etc. involve pretty minimal patient interaction, if you're interested in medicine but not direct patient interaction), but even if you decide that you want to go into basic science research, you'll probably need to have taken orgo anyway (it'll most definitely be relevant if you do any kind of chemical/biochemical work, and even if you just want to work more generally in other bio areas, i'm pretty sure orgo is still a prereq for the mol major + some higher level courses). and if by research you didn't mean any STEM work at all (like if you're more interested in policy, or social sciences, or humanities) i still wouldn't call it a waste of a course/semester, since it's helped you figure out a bit more about yourself :)

as for the question of deciding for/against med school, i've followed a path of premed -> basic chem research -> finance bro -> research again, so i can definitely speak to evolving interests. a big part of why i dropped premed was the whole patient interaction thing, and i'm happy to talk more if you have specific qs (feel free to send more in, or drop your netid)!

March 5, 2021

I register for classes within the first two weeks of registration being open!  I think that’s good?  It’s open for like, a five week period, and fewer people register in the Spring registration period because incoming freshmen do it during the summer so... so I think I’m looking pretty good?  I wonder if it’s so early because I’m a dual degree student now...  I definitely feel like that’s playing a role in why my time feels a lot earlier.  I mean also I’m a rising junior so that probably has something to do with it too lol.

I think the most fun part about even prospectively having classes in-person next semester is how I can close my eyes and just think about my route between classes.  On Monday, for example, I’ve got bio at 9, physics at 10, and theatre at 12 (according to my preferred schedule, of course), and I can close my eyes and think of me walking across the campus mall to get to bio at 9, then walking down the little alleyway by the parking garage to get to physics at 10, then walking up that little alleyway and around the football field to get to  the super fancy dining hall at 11 for brunch, then my short route from the dining hall to the building that my theatre class will be in.  There’s something so... sobering(?) about being able to picture all of that in my head and to know that I very well could get to experience it in... six months or so.  Another seventeen credit semester, but I should be taking two very easy classes, I think, so that should help (assuming I manage to get into themmmm).

AND LIKE

OKAY

I KNOW I HAD A BAD TUESDAY WHIch honestly made a ton of my week feel really negative bUT

I GOT AN EMAIL TODAy and like it really should not be a big deal bc it doesn’t really mean anythING BUT I’M GONNA BE INTERVIEWED FOR MY TOP CHOICE INTERNSHIP NEXT WEEK AHHHHHH

THEY SAID THEY WERE NARROWING DOWN THEIR SELECTIONS FOR THE SPECIFIC ONE I LISTED AS MY FIRST CHOICE AND THAT THEY LIKED MY APPLICATION WHICh is honestly kinda funny to me because it was, like, the third one I’d sent in and I’m looking back at it now and it’s... it’s a bit rough around the edges, I won’t lie.  Like, my later ones are a ton more polished in comparison.  Also, I sent it in at the very last minute and there’s no way that my submission time went unnoticed lol, but it is what it is anD APPARENTLY THAT DIDN’T MATTER BECAUSE IMMA BE INTERVIEWED NEXT WEEK WOO

AGH AND IT’S MY FIRST CHOOOOIIIIICE literally the one in [redacted: major US city] that I talked about... yesterday?  WHEW imagine my first acceptance could also be my first choice?  Ten weeks in an awesome location doing awesome research at an awesome facility with awesome (I assume) people...  That’d just be so cool.  And I might just get there :)

Alright alright alright I haven’t been accepted yet, but this is a bit of a good sign!

And, you know?  If this isn’t the one for me this summer, that’s okay too, as long as I’m not stuck at home again.  And if I happen to have to be stuck at home, I’d still prefer to be doing one of those online research internships so I won’t just be sitting around (and as long as I’m getting paid (speaking of which my first choice pays pretty handsomely I think by the way, it’s like $600/week + food + relocation + housing which is pretty sweet (I JUST DID THE CALCULATIONS AND IT’S LIKE $15 AN HOUR AFJDKSKD WHAT))).

ugh if only covid wasn’t a thing that would’ve been the one thing to make this whole summer so much better

Okay okay okay like I said, I’m not going to get too too excited (but, uh, you can probably tell that I’m at least a wee bit excited).

Oh and sort of speaking of interviews: this past Wednesday, I was a uni ambassador of sorts during the interview days for prospective students who’re up for the full ride and I had a lovely conversation with a young man for about forty minutes which was entirely fantastic.  Also,, I knew he was gay within the first five seconds of me joining the room with him.  Like, my gaydar is notoriously terrible, but this kid man.  This kid made one gesture as soon as I popped in and I knew and then he spoke and I double knew.  Idk I just thought that was really funny.  He was super nice, he had a great presence, and he had great questions, and I honestly hope he gets the full thing!

So, um, yeah!  I’m feelin pretty good?

Today I’m thankful for the interview offer, obviously.  I’ll need to come up with a few questions, probably basic ones about the research itself, hours, whether the facility will be expected to be open to the public by the summer, and probably some other stuff that I’ll think about.  But yeah!  It’s begunnnnn!!

(also my dnd-friend and I have been watching a CR episode synchronously every Friday evening for the past three weeks and besides the fact that it’s been awesome every week, we watched C2E125 this week and it was an episode like wowza a great one seriously)

A L L

hoooo boi this is gonna be a lot of self reflection and remembering what happened this year (which i remember from like july to now…yikes…) but here we go!

(bc it’s all of them, putting a read more thingy)

reflect: what are 3 things you have accomplished this year that you are proud of? -putting myself out there more, starting to move on from past shit, and slowly learning to love myself

aspire: what are 3 things you want to achieve next year? -get a job, get a gf, be healthier

inspire: who is someone who made this past year better? -hm.. i think @holtzmann-af ye 

flourish: in what ways have you grown as a better person this year? -i’ve learned more about myself and pinpointed some things about myself that i can change and started to change them

envision: the day i am most looking forward to next year is some day next year because i have nothing specific planned for next year and good things can happen at anytime (plus surprised events are much more fun than planned ones!! (sometimes))

presume: what is something you expected to happen this year, but didn’t? -getting a paid job

connect: who is someone new you met this year that you wouldn’t be the same without? -shit idk i met a lot of new people but didn’t affect me to that extreme..there’s like a person i have in mind but i don’t think it goes with the question really so im not gonna tag them

alter: name 3 ways your life is going to positively change next year. -i’ll get some kind of job, be in a relationship (maybe) and be a little bit happier

heal: name 5 ways you are going to make next year better. -exercise a bit more, be less self deprecating, continue to put myself out there, finish the goals i made for this school year and make new ones for next school year and find a balance of working and treating myself

memorize: describe in detail the happiest day you’ve had this year. -….i honestly cannot think of a day where i was the happiest… they all blend together and i just cant remember much that happened…. 

forecast: in 3 months i will be in school, trying to fix my procrastination issue (we’ll see how that goes…)

foresee: in 6 months i will be working at some place during the summer

foreshadow: in 9 months i will be still in school doin something

foretell: this time next year i will be freaking out that i will have one more semester until my senior year, but overall feel better about everything

rejuvenate: name something you have learned to recover from or move past this year. -finally get over past relationship fuckery from like 5 years ago

discover: what are 5 things you’ve learned about yourself or life as a whole this year? -my theory about the numbers 3-6-9 still holds true (wait it better not still hold true into next year oh no), the stars and planets don’t lie (astrology), shit happens sometimes and there isn’t much you can do but grow from it, the type of women i like is changing and i have a questionable taste in men, life can be fucked up sometimes which can bring out the best and worst out of people

venture: name 3 new things you tried this year. -tried being a part of a club at school, tried using tinder (that was an experience), 

perspective: what’s something you’ve changed your opinion on since the beginning of this year? -idk really know

devote: describe a way in which you made a positive impact on someone else’s year. -when a friend was going through a rough patch, i was just there for her to talk to without judgement 

emerge: describe an experience this year that caused you to mature. -talking about my past relationship with someone who validated that what happened was really bad, things will get better and that there are other people out there that are much much better

positive vibes: you’ve made it through another year! i’m so proud of you and my year wouldn’t have been the same without you

okay doing this, i realized i cant remember anything before me turning 19.. this is fine

i feel like these answers have a negative undertone to them even when i’m trying to be positive..idk but it’s hard to remember all that happened in a year when you cant remember more than half of it but i tried

if i weren't having a rough time this week, i'd be on more. like i just need to let this out real quick so i don't snap. i hate my friends so much, like the two groups i've found myself being part of since last september have just destroyed my ability to fully trust and stay loyal to people because of how manipulative, selfish, hypocritical, and verbally abusive they are. legit this one dude that likes to think we're best friends has compromised my privacy four fucking times since my (somewhat minor) assault last year just so he has something to contribute to a conversation about the scumbag, tries to benefit from it by telling his (and mine at the time) crush about my near panic attack without my permission just so he can get the guy to hang out with him (and me) and then g l o a t about it. he's never apologized for SHIT, but will spend an hour calling me a bitch — and making it a full on scientific discussion — and telling me that everyone we hang out with hates me because i'm verbally abusive?? just bc i want you to stop bringing up bernie sanders every .5 seconds and you ignore everything i say anyways so i raise my voice a bit to get you to actually answer me?? a tactic most parents use?? something you ignore in others but pounce on with me???? literally you implant these ideas that everyone is against you if they don't agree with you or don't act like you're a better person than everyone else and turn your followers against those people. i just.. don't know why i subject myself to this constantly when i was finally starting to develop some sense of self-worth early last semester, why i'm letting a manipulator still hang around me when i'm isolating myself and crying almost nightly at 3am because i'm so reminded of the bullshit from last year. it just fucking hurts that these people are the only friends i have and i feel like i have nowhere else to turn if i get the fuck away from them, that i'm only friends with other people in the house for a night when we've had too much to drink and i don't have the courage to talk to them after because my shyness finally crept back up on me. i'm trying to figure out if preserving what's left of my self-respect is more important than my fear of being alone and i don't know which admission makes me more ashamed of what i've been reduced to

if you actually read this, i'm sorry about that mess. i just processed a lot of shit from as far back as last september over the break and it hit me hard when i started picking up on subtle insults and seeing these people be hypocritical pricks. and after talking to one of my acquaintances outside of that group about it, i just needed to vent about the little things i don't want any of them to know so.. yeah. anyways, spiel over, i hope to god i'll be on tomorrow but we'll have to see how i'm feeling (as per usual now)