i can't wait until i can get my own apartment :)

Wangxian is that dynamic: Rant Post

I personally think Wangxian is one of the most complete, compelling and near-perfect dynamics to ever be written. Like, think about it. All of our favourite pairings generally include one T (Thinking-type) and one F (Feeling-type), or both Feeling types as they are easier to relate to.

But then you have Wangxian - an ISTJ and an ENTP. Such... annoying personality types.

You have Lan Wangji, who's going to fight your procrastination for you. The guy who's stability personified and Mr. He Is Indeed Better, and then you have Wei Wuxian, who's going to argue his mouth off than take a hint; a little too aware of just how great he is and constantly onto the search for new angles of discovery.

Generally, these sort of personalities are put into the background while an INFP (or whatever) find love. These are the cliche best friends. But never the main leads.

But look at Wangxian!

Look at them being so smart together, sharing the same values. Look at Lan Wangji showing his anger by frosty, cutting words (just a few) or worse... utter disregard for you. The guy's going to glare at you with such frosty chill or go out of his way to ignore you. You're not going to get to him, and it's going to PISS you off.

Then there's Wei Wuxian and it's like...are you getting to him? Or, is he getting to you?? If you argue with him too much about his alleged failure and arrogance and quirks, he's gonna tap into them, and make you feel unstable. He's going to wield his flaws like a blade at you. You're going to just want to avoid him and the snark that filters in through his sunny disposition.

And... look at Wangxian taking the "scientific way" to sex.

"What am I supposed to do?" / I cannot believe I'm asking Lan Zhan for sex advice.

"Relax." / To the point answers only.

Also in the Extra, when discussing their CNC kink they go all the way into the story of how they're going to scene:

"So I'll do this and you resist and then I'll do this."

"Sounds difficult."

"Okay, let's switch positions."

Like... perfection??? Like go, find yourself a partner who's equally as weird as you and have your happy ever after with them: accomplished.

Not just that but the aftermath of the bichen incense burner:

"I have never been treated like this before."

"Mn." (fond smile)

"I'll chop you if you do that again."

"Mn."

Like... how easy is it to communicate ? Without any fears, without any remnant feelings, without guilt - how easily they understand each other.

And not Wei Wuxian showing his love by gifting Lan Wangji a numerous weird things, and constantly talking about exactly what he loves about Lan Wangji. Not Lan Wangji doing every sort of act of service for Wei Wuxian (and Wei Wuxian allowing it), and being calm but not quiet with his words.

"It is as it is" - loving Wei Wuxian is a fact for Lan Wangji, backed up by his actions.

They never go out of their way to think of certain events differently. Perhaps, that's what takes them so much time and 2 life times to get together. Because, hell, it's obvious to us. But you're telling me Lan Wangji wouldn't stand up for anyone who's in the right and framed incorrectly? He totally would. Lan Zhan is just that nice. Similarly, Wei Wuxian is also just that nice.

He took a brand for Mianmian. He couldn't remember her for a minute afterwards. He saved Su She. Twice. He has no idea who Su She is. So, yes. He did a lot of things for Lan Wangji but what is he supposed to be?

I love how their relationship is built upon a pact of no apologies and no thanks. Loving each other isn't a duty, a responsibility or a debt. It is just natural. There's nothing to be repaid. There's only things to discover together.

You don't need to thank me because thanking means you recognize my effort as helping you, but you are not required to - as it is the nature of things. I will help you. You will help me. We will never measure who helps each other more. You don't need to apologize for your actions, because I trust that you will not do wrong unto me. Never by intention.

And, let's talk about how they gravitate towards each other ?? Lan Wangji sitting in Gusu thinking about Wei Wuxian and his lotus seeds and stems theory. Wei Wuxian sitting in Lotus Pier thinking of Lan Wangji. Analyzing every word the other has said, thinking back to all that they have done for each other, lingering not on the pain they have caused each other but the happiness, and you know, that they'll be able to talk about the pain, through the pain, because they are people rooted in the present.

I imagine just how insane it would be for Wei Wuxian, the no golden core until the age of 9 to head disciple to one of the strongest cores to the reason why Yunmeng Jiang win every night hunt event at Discussion Conferences, to lock swords with Lan Wangji and feel, "Ah, this is an equal. This is a new puzzle to be solved. This is a cabbage to be pricked (canon)."

And for Lan Wangji, who's equated insolence and disobedience with poor performance to suddenly come upon someone who appears larger than life, raking up answers and top spots in tests, and duelling as an equal yet never adhering to the rules, finding loopholes and shaking up Lan Wangji's whole dimension.

Another thing I really love is how Lan Wangji isn't, like, his uncle. Or his brother. He isn't his uncle in the ways that he allows himself to break rules when they don't align with the rules he considers superior - his moral calling. His hanguang-jun-ness. He absolutely loves rules; he does; and he loves his stability but he's not afraid to embrace change if it is required.

And, Lan Zhan just isn't his brother. He doesn't like you? Trust, you're gonna know. He thinks you're stupid? It's going to be translated across. He's not going to appease you, or make his presence or his wishes lesser to comfort you. He is his own person (which is so similar to how Wei Wuxian is; like poor boy was punished all the time for being himself, at Lotus Pier by Madam Yu, and yet he never downplayed his talents. He never bowed down.)

And I think it's obvious just how well Lan Wangji knows how worthless words can be if they're not followed with actions. Similarly for Wei Wuxian, he speaks a lot. But he does do what he speak. Protect Jiang Cheng? He will. Fight for Lotus Pier? He will. Protect the Wens? He will absolutely.

Thus, you see, as a couple they will never have to face those sorts of arguments where someone seriously states how they feel about A event but behaves differently when they can do something about it. As a couple they will never have to worry about the other not being themselves. Compromising is one thing - pretense is another. Wei Wuxian compromises and doesn't try to break rules. Understands that he's going to insult Lan Wangji's position by acting out. Lan Wangji compromises and breaks some rules for him. They both compromise and take care of each other's needs and habits to cohabitate together successfully, and at the same time, there's no pretense. No lying. No manipulation. No "I'm fine when I'm not."

Think of them going to night hunts together, with Wei Wuxian's easy brilliance and Lan Wangji's easy dependency. Like that guy, is strong and capable enough to protect Wei Ying. He knows that. Wei Ying knows that. The cultivation world knows that.

Think of how both of them are such healthy adults and loving to children. Lan Wangji isn't a cold dad and Wei Wuxian isn't an irresponsible one. They're both so very capable.

So, my point is - Wangxian is perfect. I will die on this ship.

This is going to be long so I can understood if you ignored it just see it as me venting my frustrations with her character. I'm just about done with her which sucks since I use to love her a lot. Sorry for sounding negative in this ask I sent you hope it wasn't a bother.

You've successfully swayed me into becoming a staunch supporter of Chat Noir; how audacious of you! Just kidding, of course. I now grasp your perspective regarding the complexities of Marinette's situation. In the past, I never delved into their dynamic and, admittedly, held some reservations about Chat Noir for frequently causing problems and adding stress to Ladybug's plate, a sentiment that seemed prevalent in the fandom and one I once shared.

Honestly, Season 5 was my breaking point. That episode where she powered down and tried to talk some sense into Gabriel? It made me see her in a whole new light. If it were any other parents, she'd be all action, no chat. But because it's Gabriel, Adrien's dad, there's this glaring bias, and it's been a massive letdown for me. She made her bed, and now she has to lie in it. It's not just Ladybug who's drawing my frustration but also her dedicated supporters. Some, who use Marinette who's age I assume to be around 14 often use her age as a shield. It's strange to witness this phenomenon in the Miraculous fan community, where her character's age is consistently invoked as an excuse. They seem to forget that she's a fictional character, brought to life through pixels and scripted character arcs. I've been a fan in various mediums, but the Miraculous fandom takes the cake for clinging to this age excuse. It's like they think 14 and the stress of her trauma are the ultimate get-out-of-jail-free cards. But hey, what else is new in the world of fandom, right?

Back when I was a ripe old age of 14, I did some growing up, and now at the age of 21, I can confidently say Marinette's actions don't resonate with me at all. I'm all about that honesty, and I can't see myself pulling off any of her shenanigans. I mean, why keep secrets in the first place, especially when you've been partnered up for ages? If we're in the same boat, risking our lives and all, it just seems unfair to leave the other person in the dark when we stumble upon something fishy. That's just basic BFF code, isn't it?

I had some optimism when Season 5 rolled around, but man, it just felt all kinds of wrong. There was something off about it, and Adrien... oh boy, he's like a completely different person from Season 1. I mean, he actually had some color in his skin – talk about a glow-up! He used to look so much happier as Chat Noir. Now, it's like he's tiptoeing around, walking on metaphorical eggshells.

And don't even get me started on the LadyNoir dynamic. It's like a trainwreck in slow motion, and it stinks. I mean, I've watched Totally Spies, and those characters, they had their own stuff going on, but they had each other's backs. It's crystal clear that Miraculous Ladybug is missing that camaraderie.

Her portrayal as a romantic interest, whether in or out of her superhero costume, has been notably lacking. In neither capacity does she appear to be a suitable match for Adrien, and her dynamic with Chat Noir has been fractured to an irreparable extent, leaving much to be desired.

This indeed raises a pertinent question – how can they be considered soulmates or destined for each other when the connection is this lackluster? Adrien seemed to have a more promising dynamic with Kagami than with our primary female protagonist. In Season 5, it appears as though they simply forced them together without genuine chemistry or compatibility. It's all about what he caters to her Marinette the star!

Her performance as a superheroine leaves much to be desired. I find myself questioning her role as the protagonist, particularly given the abundance of problematic situations within the show, many of which are left unaddressed. There's a conspicuous absence of meaningful connections with the victims, with only fleeting interactions following the vanquishing of the villain. The absence of emotional depth is striking. I can't help but wonder why she's the star of the show. There's a disturbing amount of abuse happening, and the lack of follow-up with victims is baffling. It's like they defeat the bad guys and call it a day, no emotional depth, nada.

Upon witnessing her actions in the finale, I reached my breaking point. She ranks as one of the most disappointing female magical heroines when compared to Bloom, Luz, and Iris from Lolirock. Her treatment of her partner left me deeply disheartened, and I remain uncertain about what her fans could possibly rescue to redeem her character.

Thank you for reading~

Feel free to vent, anon, it's never a bother!

I'm glad my points resonated with you! I'm not posting all this to try to change anyone's mind, but it is nice to see that people are considering what I have to say.

And I agree with a lot of what you have to say! I will say, though, that I don't really think Marinette is to blame all that much for Gabriel winning. It's not her fault that he stabbed her in the back. She gave him a chance and he ruined it, and that's all on him. And one more thing I sort of disagree with is that Ladybug doesn't form meaningful connections with the victims. I think it's rather unfair to expect her to form deep emotional connections with every single person she saves. Both Ladybug and Chat Noir do spend some time comforting the victims after the fights, but I think they can't be expected to stick around and solve every problem. I hope this doesn't seem rude, it's just my take.

But I agree largely with everything else! I especially like this point:

It's not just Ladybug who's drawing my frustration but also her dedicated supporters. Some, who use Marinette who's age I assume to be around 14 often use her age as a shield. It's strange to witness this phenomenon in the Miraculous fan community, where her character's age is consistently invoked as an excuse. They seem to forget that she's a fictional character, brought to life through pixels and scripted character arcs. I've been a fan in various mediums, but the Miraculous fandom takes the cake for clinging to this age excuse. It's like they think 14 and the stress of her trauma are the ultimate get-out-of-jail-free cards.

This is so right. Like, Marinette is a 14-year-old, but that isn't really an excuse? It's an explanation and a valid one, certainly, but it's not an excuse. At any rate, it's not the fact that she's making mistakes that's the problem, it's the fact that she never seems to learn from them. I admit this is a writing issue and Marinette is, at the end of the day, the mouthpiece for the writers, but it does not help me connect with her like I used to. Using her age as a constant excuse does not fly after a certain point of time.

At the end of the day, whatever Marinette does is portrayed as the right thing to do, and it makes it more obvious than ever that she's not a real approximation of a 14-year-old. She's a character in a children's cartoon who serves as the writers' mouthpiece, and whatever is coming from the writers' is some weird ass shit.

And I also very much agree with your assessment of the Ladynoir dynamic. It really sucks how low it's fallen. It was a major draw of the show for me, and now it's been reduced to nothing, all to prop up the least interesting side of the square. It's too bad.

Thank you for your ask!

Holy shit, reading that anon (Jamie is son-shaped to Ted, but Ted is not father-shaped to Jamie) and your answer (how and why Ted fails Jamie every single time) I realized just how much, on the other hand, Jamie and Roy GET each other.

Roy gives Jamie direct instructions on how to become better and win his praise, not only with the training and diet regimen in S3, but back in S2 when Roy comes up with a literal signal, to tell Jamie exactly what to do and when. That's what Jamie responds best to, what he'd been seeking all throughout S2, and somehow Roy just knew.

And Jamie, he never pushes Roy to speak when he senses something is wrong. What he does is, he offers himself up first, honestly and openly, expecting nothing in return, but creating such a supportive environment that Roy naturally starts to open up (ironically, very similar to Ted's approach to Roy lmao).

In Amsterdam he knew that Roy was just taking his negative emotions out on him, and instead of challenging him, Jamie just went along with it, apologizing for being a dick first, sharing his memories of Amsterdam (good and bad), and finally calling Roy out lightly ("you're just taking it out on me"), in passing. And it did not make Roy defensive because until that point Jamie had offered Roy so much of himself, that instead of closing up, Roy naturally let go and was finally honest, with himself and with Jamie (if briefly).

I mean, Jamie taught Roy to ride a bike "for grandad!" but that wasn't enough, he still apologized for being a dick when he made fun of him. Our boy has become so emotionally mature 😭 (ep 12 doesn't exist, thank you very much)

These bitches get each other in a way no other character does. Even Keeley, as much as the fandom likes to ignore all her flaws and paint her as perfect, had serious communication issues with Roy, where she did not respect his privacy (airing dirty laundry in front of his literal boss and colleagues), and pushed him to talk when it came to something very delicate (the funeral and death in general). And Roy was the one to apologize, which made me very upset (particularly in the first instance).

I honestly can't see something like that happening with Roy and Jamie.

Fingers crossed for a spinoff, but even if it never becomes a canon romantic ship, Roy & Jamie would work extremely well in a Ted & Beard dynamic.

They just belong with each other.

(again, ep 12 where Beard leaves Ted's side and Ted doesn't even attend Beard's wedding doesn't exist ☺)

you're sooo correct. Jamie and Roy innately understand one another <3 Amsterdam is the perfect example of this because Jamie absolutely knows Roy is using him to air out his negative emotions, but Roy also knows Jamie's hyper-positivity is masking something else. They both have the right read on one another there, I think, and they both have the patience to draw the other out until they're ready to talk!

And the scene where they finally open up to one another is just soooo good from start to finish. Like, not only does Roy handle Jamie's tragic backstory reveal perfectly (i cannot say that enough, because god he does a really great job there), but then he finally opens up about what's bothering him, too! And I think because we focus so much on how majorly vulnerable it was of Jamie to tell Roy his red light district story, we don't ever talk enough about how majorly vulnerable Roy let himself be afterwards, too. Like, I think after Jamie dropped something so traumatic, it would have been particularly easy for Roy to have dismissed his own stuff as like, 'well I can't hardly say what's bothering me is just that the ex I broke up with has moved on and it's upsetting me. Not after he just dropped that, can I?' Like, especially given Roy's personality, I think his first instinct there was probably to minimize his own feelings and to dismiss his problems with Keeley as being so trivial and irrelevant compared to Jamie's Real Problems, and then to not talk about it at all and quietly simmer. So it's a true sign of just how much he trusts Jamie (as well as feels bad for using him as his punching bag all day) that he doesn't do any of that but instead properly opens up to him for the first time. And then Jamie realizes how monumental that is right away, and he's not dismissive either!!

Another scene I've been thinking about is the one where Jamie tells Phoebe that Isaac is his best friend and not Roy. Because like, on the one hand it's obviously mostly playful ribbing meant to rile up Roy (because Roy is quite obviously his actual best friend at that point). But I think there's also that underlying understanding from Jamie that Roy struggles with admitting how much he cares and loves people and he struggles to put a name to his feelings, etc. Jamie understands that, and he's okay with that, so I think his joke there is also his way of saying like, it's okay if you can't label this quite yet, whatever's between us - best friends or something else - it's okay if you're not ready for that. It's his way of giving Roy an out if he needs it. (this could also be bogus and me reading too much into everything lmao but like!!! something to consider)

Everything to me <33

This is just straight up Syscourse so Ignore it if you like

But XIV and I were talking on it on the way back from work and at the risk of regretting it, I want to express a thing I don't get about common anti-endo rhetoric - as someone who was anti-endo and is now either neutral or pro-endo depending on how you perceive our lack of interest in the endo-community

This is gonna be rambly and isn't meant to be an ARGUMENT nor a "good one" or anything, just some thoughts on the topic

But whenever we talk about "can you be a system without having trauma" a really common line of thought, reasoning and rhetoric for "no" is that "DID is a DISSOCIATIVE disorder characterized by DISSOCIATION and TRAUMA you can't have a complex dissociative disorder without trauma" which is true and fair

But the thing that confuses me is that those people are often the same people that say that DID is not "an alter disorder" but the second we are talking about the SUBJECTIVE experience of being multiple people, suddenly all of those experiences are definitive, exclusive, and characteristic to DID and other CDDs.d

If we were saying "can you have DID without trauma" my response would be PROBABLY no as its unlikely that you would have that complex and extreme dissociation without notable trauma - that being said I retain 'probably' because 1) lack of evidence to completely rule out every other possibility 2) that there are disorders that can have dissociation without trauma so it isn't completely out of the question that theoretically one MIGHT be able to get bad enough without explicit trauma 3) the concept of DID and general diagnostic criteria in any categorical classification of a psychological phenomenon is going to be inherently flawed as psychology and psychological phenomenon have historically been shown to be in a spectrum and best represented by a dynamic connection of traits and symptoms rather than boxes and thus the very idea of what DID is - much like most disorders - is honestly kind of silly to sit and defend when what actually matters is the individual symptomology (I probably won't elaborate on the third cause that's too much work and I'd need to make references to do it properly so believe me or not on that last one, understand it or not, I don't really care its not the point) 4) I don't really like using absolutes cause it makes me feel a little silly acting like I - or anyone else - knows anything that well

But like... DID isn't an alter disorder. Alter's aren't the heart of the disorder - its trauma, its dissociation, its the COMPLEX dissociation that causes the presentation of alters, but its not like... THE Alter Disorder. Alters are a by product, not the disorder.

So why is it when we talk about the experience of being multiple people or multiple parts or whatever is it that we have to claim that ONLY DID is the ONLY way people can experience that?

Yeah I guess there's the whole "We cant use the same terms!!!" and that there are people who claim you can have DID without trauma which is a different topic that I have no interest in sweating cause I think its not my business so long as dangerous misinformation isn't being spread

But like really, a lot of spiritual practices, general experiences, and what not have historically presented with people having the subjective experience of being different / multiple people and that doesn't invalidate DID really at all?

They are two separate things and there's nuance when it comes to the specifics but I just really don't see why we need to be at each other's throats over someone trying to express what they are experiencing.

I dunno, I just don't think the experience of identifying and interacting with yourself like you are multiple people or made up of parts or anything like that is really all that a unique and special thing that is exclusive to DID and also like, if people can choose to not fuse and to be cool with functional multiplicity, then whats the huge deal with choosing to live life interacting with yourself as many. Plus there's IFS and a number of spiritual practices that honestly I think would probably be problematic if we said were "not allowed because you cant experience that without trauma" and what not.

As a system and person with DID that doesn't really identify with having alters as a core part of the disorder, I just find it a bit weird that when it comes to people identifying as multiple people... all of the sudden DID is all we talk about?

I'm of the opinion live and let be. If someone's being toxic, weird, or problematic or making you uncomfortable, that's a different story and a case by case thing indicative of the INDIVIDUAL but like.... ya know? nothings inherently wrong with living operating with yourself as multiple people. There's honestly some theraputic merit to the mindset considering IFS is pretty regularly used which - even if it is more of a framework - does invite the person to understand themselves as the parts that make up their whole.

So like.... I dunno man.

If some endos are "cringe" and that makes people with DID look bad or whatever, then like... so what. I dunno we appreciate cringe as a confident and dedicated expression of ones self despite societal backlash and welcome cringe in our life + we identify as pretty cringey ourselves so... I dunno maybe we should walk out of the DID community to make people take it seriously or something??? (rhetorical, joking)

TLDR: As an ex-anti-endo, I just really don't understand what the whole hub ubb and fixation with endos that the DID community has

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ALSO this does not apply to people who use the word "Tulpa" but have done 0 engagement with Buddhist practices and culture.

Yall are never welcome on this blog.

What are your three favorite Starker fan fictions?

For me, without a doubt:

first position: Lanterns burning, flickered in the mind (only you), by @darker-soft-starker

This story probably brings together everything I love best, including Young Tony, High school AU, enemies to friends to lover, slight angst, extremely romantic tension, a touch of drama… *shiver*.

Second position: Under a Violet Rain, by @vaguekiwi

Again, I am seduced by the "enemies to lovers" plot. When love seems absolutely impossible, when everything is set up to make them hate each other, and yet a love still comes. From the first line to the last, it was a pleasure to read this story.

third position: The Pieces I've Lost, by @vaguekiwi and @snowstark

I usually don't like overly pronounced notions of submission and dominance, even more so when the story is riveted on sexual content and sexual degradation. But this story… this story resonates deeply with me. I was interested to see that the dynamics of submission and dominance come from genetics, making people really different from each other from a biological point of view. And all the reasons why I usually don't like these stories, well… those are the reasons why Peter is so different from everyone else in this story. In a way, it reminds me a bit of feminism, and that's why the plot is all the more interesting. And, of course… I want Peter to get a fucking hug.

🥺👉🏻👈🏻 talk with me?

OoOoOo this is a tricky one~~~ 👀👀👀 I am such a hardcore lover of so many fics and writers in our lovely community, and I wish I could list everyone in this response, but I’ll do my best to identify the three starker fics that are my all time favourites at the moment (because darn it- my favourites often change by the day 😅)

(Also, my method here of dubbing each fic my “third” favourite or “second” favourite doesn’t reflect just how much I love all these fics equally. Again, if I could name them all my “first” favourite I would! 😅✨ I’m just going to rank them in terms of how much each fic has impacted me personally and on the depth of their storytelling 💕)

My third favourite:

This is probably the starker fic that I reread the most, as it’s fantastically structured story and moments of simmering tension never cool for me. I am just as heated reading the tail end of chapter two as I ever was reading it for the first time ✨✨ Tony and Peter’s chemistry and sexual tension in this story is so heady and palpable- it makes me feel like I’m experiencing their powerful feelings and desires🥰 (plus all of the food they eat in the beginning sounds soooo delicious 🤤😩)

My second favourite:

Just like you, my friend, I could not ignore @darker-soft-starker’s outstanding work that I have still not stopped gushing about 😅

The multiple comments left on AO3 and original fanart that I’ve created for this incredible story really speaks for itself and I could probably fill the rest of this post with every single thing I adore about the plot, characters and romantic development, but I think in this case I will let the work speak for itself. I implore you: please read this fic if you haven’t already, it’s so much more than I ever imagined a starker fanfic to be and I guarantee you won’t be disappointed with what you find~💖

My first favourite:

Here we have it. My all-time favourite. Arguably the best starker fanfiction ever created. Words fail me when it comes to describing how much this story has influenced me as a storyteller, as a reader and as a member of our little community. If I was ever in doubt that starker wasn’t the pairing for me, this work would draw me back in and remind me just how lucky I am to be able to read art like this - on a beautifully curated fanfiction website - for free. I’ll never get over it, I just love it too much.

The Marvel canon has yet to top these masterpieces ✨

Anywho~ I hope you enjoyed my little ramble 😌 Thank you so much for the ask @lanyakea-universe! I love chatting with you (and any other starkers) about things like this! Maybe one day I’ll be able to finish more than the three fanfics I’ve already posted and impact others on AO3 and tumblr, like these wonderful authors already have for me and so many others 🥰💖💕🌺

Hi! I have a question but if its too personal, please ignore!!!

I have been with my Dom for 4 years (we have been practicing DD and D/s for 3 years) and we are both at the point in our lives where kids is something we really want! We are a little curious/worried with how adding babies will affect our dynamic since we both don’t want to stop DD and D/s. Have you thought about how potential kids will affect your relationship?

Obviously we both know changes will have to happen but that is scary and unknown! I’m trying to not get anxious because I’m not even pregnant yet but with a major change comes worries:( Any advice?

Hi! I appreciate the consideration but this isn't too personal, no worries. :)

We've definitely thought about managing D/s after babies but of course, all we can do is daydream and guess, we won't really know what it's like until we get there. I can definitely empathize with how it seems scary and unknown.

When you compare it to other things, it really highlights how wild it is? Imagine having to decide to accept a job that you can never leave, and have to be 100% emotionally committed to for the rest of your life, without ever having worked a day in that job before. That would be nuts! But that's basically what parenting is...and it's the most important work that most people ever do with their lives, in my opinion. So, I don't know how anyone can be super duper confident that they're ready to be a parent. I think it kinda requires a big leap of faith...I feel like I have to go into it recognizing that I have only a really basic idea of what to expect..and even those basic expectations could be wrong. You never know what your baby will be like. So in my mind, it's a decision that I have to make while recognizing that we'll just find a way no matter what happens...but that's definitely scary as I'm not someone who likes risk-taking usually.

Anyway. That's kind of how I feel about the idea of planning to have a kid in general, and I guess I don't see D/s as that much different. CD and I have had some fairly significant life changes since we first started D/s. We've moved houses a couple of times, shortly after we started D/s I had a couple seizures, CD has been self-employed and has been traditionally employed, I've had some milder job changes too, I was a cancer caregiver for a few years, we had a disabled dog for about a year so we had that caregiving responsibility, both of our dogs died, my dad died, we've had mental health diagnosis' and trauma epiphanies and of course we've both just gotten older and experienced personal changes the last 7ish years, too.

So with some of those changes to our lives, our schedules or just ourselves, we've adjusted our D/s along the way. We try to look at our current needs and desires and structure our D/s around those, rather than trying to make life fit our D/s if that makes sense. This has meant that we've had phases with a longer list of rules/expectations/protocols, and other phases where we've had very few. It just depends on what we can do in the chapter we're living in, and what our needs are.

So, my guess is that we'll try to do the same with parenting. I wouldn't be surprised if we tweak our D/s during pregnancy, and again after a baby and as they get older their needs change and our schedules change. I can't really begin to guess exactly what that will look like, but I think that as long as we're able to communicate our needs and wants with each other as we go, we'll find a way. So that's what I put my faith in.

Sorry this isn't very concrete! People who have been D/s before having kids and after might have a lot better insight for you. :)

Sadly I think our fandom has hecame too big and That's why it is what it is. Before it was different because this fandom was smaller, less seen, the band and Matty wasn't as talked about. We became a little bit like other fandoms unfortunately. The more people the more problems. It became like a competition for some to know as much as you can about Matty and creating theories about Matty like he is inhumane character is new entertainment for some. This is what happens whenever artist or whatever gets really big. And those people dont care about the connections between Matty and us, and how he is sacrificing himself they dont see it, they are here for the drama and their weird fun. We just have to accept it. This won't end as long as the boys are big. Sadly, I think people will continue send you intrusive questions about Matty no matter what you say. I think it would best if you ignored it, and deleted it. Dont give it an attention, its not worth it. Some people just dont get it. I don't want you too stress over those ❤️ Sorry this is long, I am a fan of your blog and wanted to share my opinion on our fandom.

I'm afraid you're right. as the fandom gets bigger, some of it is going to be diluted with garbage. i guess the reason that it upsets me is because we have/had a very unique dynamic. Both amongst ourselves, AND between us and Matty.

Like, back in May? with all the shit that was thrown at us? truly a horrific time. But I was in awe of how mature and kind and patient everyone in this fandom was. nowhere as crazy as some others. And I've seen similar things happen in other fandoms so i have a frame of reference to compare it to. This band draws in the kindest most intelligent and thoughtful people.

Then with Matty, it's hard to explain to others who aren't in the fandom. they all say oh yes yes we get it. it used to be like that for us too. Our fave also used to be online a lot but then stopped. And it's like, no, it's not the same. I know what these people are talking about. I've been in order fandoms where the celeb pulls back as they get more famous, and it's not that. It's different with us because our relationship with Matty has been a TWO WAY STREET. He doesn't just love us because we are the people who comes to his shows and buy his merch. He's PART OF THE COMMUNITY, he loves us like we all love each other and feel like we understand each other because of our shared love for this one thing. This man literally loves his fans and talks to them like he talks to his friends, not like he's an object of our admiration. and thats so rare.

So, I guess those are the things that im sad to lose. but yeah the idiots don't stress me out. I couldn't give a fuck. I'll put a dumbass in their place if need be :)

Thanks for being here and for your message. it makes me feel better to know that its something we're all navigating and figuring out💗

Please, I need to get this off my chest. Charles has always upset me... he is constantly talking about how much better he is than everyone and sometimes he says white supremacist things :/ and in a deep way because he isn’t just racist towards Klinger! He also thinks he’s better than Radar by calling him a bumpkin. It really annoys me when people ignore that part of him or try to write him as this misunderstood, lonely man

i'm iffy about commenting on how people write characters/ships they wanna write, especially when it comes to less popular ones like Charles because I generally believe in "don't like don't read" buuuut I also think it's so interesting to see what dominant trends emerge from fandom because fandom is a legitimate creative, communal space so we should note our observations and critiques in a respectful way. But anyway, my response is more about the general portrayal of the character and the flaws you've brought up because I think you raise an interesting point, I assume that you made it in good faith, and I’m very into discussions about race and racism in media but particularly wrt MASH. Cut to spare people who aren’t into this and CW for white supremacy and all -isms ingrained in it: 

Winchester is kept in check to some degree by being consistently positioned on the moral low ground, BJ and Hawkeye get the better of him constantly and whenever he makes a prolonged target out of anyone it’s usually Hawkeye and BJ which you could still call classist and how bad it lands depends on what you imagine Hawkeye and BJ’s backgrounds to be. They’re not implied to be from high society themselves but we don’t know much more than that. You’re not supposed to admire the nastier parts of Charles’ sensibilities and the show makes that overwhelmingly clear imo, he’s not a straight villain the way Frank was but he’s still an antagonist. Later on I think Rizzo gets the better of Charles a few times and that’s very satisfying to watch. There’s an interesting inversion of power dynamics when you look at Potter and Winchester. Charles looks down on Potter for his social background and Potter takes a lot of glee in reminding Charles that while he’s in the army he’s to be under Potter’s heel. Which, like, go ahead, eat each other. 

Winchester also gets a lot of moments that (imo, successfully) “humanize” him and it’s fair to feel uncomfortable about that if you perceive Winchester to be a white supremacist which, yeah, I can’t pretend I don’t ever see it – DOS has a remarkably smooth delivery that softens the blow but oof some of the things he says. In Mail Call 3, Margaret is concerned about not being good enough for Donald’s family and she opens up to Charles about it, he makes this comment about eugenics – I think he actually uses the phrase “maintain the integrity of the breed”. And while my brain knows that I’m supposed to empathize with Margaret here and not Charles, I can’t help it if my skin crawls. He calls her good breeding stock and tells her that it’s of utmost importance to the Winchesters and the Penobscotts that they “Maintain the characteristics of the bloodline” like that’s… that’s a white supremacist talking point. So be assured I see where you are coming from. And I have to talk about Klinger: “Klinger whatever happened to your frivolous, pet-like demeanor” yikes. Charles isn’t the first person to say racist things to Klinger, talking down to him for laughs becomes a frequently relied-upon gag in the later years, Potter and Margaret do it a few times. Hawkeye and BJ and even Radar have their iffy moments as well, but it sounds different coming from them than it does from Winchester, in part because he’s made other comments (like the one with Margaret) before that that suggest a much darker belief system – ‘suggest’ might be too weak a word.

We also get glimpses into how the social systems he subscribes to and benefits from actually oppress him too – which is true to life. But how much you care about that sort of thing will depend very much on how you feel about the character in general.

I don’t think Winchester gets a straight “redemption arc”, he’s just portrayed as being a  three-dimensional character, for better or for worse. And look, it sucks to have to think of your political enemies and threats to your existence as three-dimensional people – I know I don’t on a day-to-day basis. I think this was a choice on the part of the showrunners after seeing how things played out with Frank Burns, who some people believe should’ve also been more three-dimensional – you can’t really win with a character like that. I’ve seen people say they prefer Burns to Winchester and I’ve never understood that until this moment lol, because Charles being less cartoonish has allowed me to actually enjoy him. But now I see how one might be more comfortable with a character like Burns because he’s such a butt monkey and he doesn’t get a single redeeming moment that he doesn’t immediately ruin. I guess we know that Burns just ‘wants to be liked’ but I don’t think that garners a terrible amount of pity from anyone – any Frank Burns sympathizers in the audience?? I didn’t have the Burns-Winchester transition on my list of contributing factors to the show’s shift to the political center but you know what, that might actually be a thing: Burns being portrayed as a straight villain vs. Winchester (who is much more well off than Burns it would seem) being portrayed as multifaceted. I’m more or less neutral when it comes to these redeeming moments when they happen between Charles and Margaret, who has her own racism to deal with – and I can’t think of many other occasions aside from the one I described where he was overtly misogynistic to her – although the one example I did give was pretty egregious. Or Charles and Hawkeye or Charles and BJ because as I said about Margaret and them a few days ago, they’re closer to one another on the ladder. It’s really a class issue when it comes to them and that’s not something to be ignored (I don’t care at all for how Charles treats Radar and Rizzo who are both from non-urban, implied to be poor, backgrounds and who are of significantly lower rank in the army) but again, it really depends on how you feel about Hawkeye and BJ’s respective backgrounds and whether or not you think their pranks on him constitute appropriate retribution. I think if you are going to humanize a less-than-savoury character, a good way to do that is to show how their belief systems are to everyone’s detriment, including their own. Charles does go through this a few times: he realizes his discriminating against Honoria’s Italian husband will drive a wedge between him and his sister, similarly his self-imposed separation from the “unworthy” Hawkeye has kept them from perhaps being friends and he calls himself on it in Sons and Bowlers and finally he seems to really be at war with himself over his own lifestyle choices in Foreign Affairs. 

There is also a wrong way to do it – please miss me with his calling Klinger “Max” in Death Takes a Holiday, where the narrative wants me to accept that this is some grand gesture on Charles’ part after he’s been a racist twat to Klinger on multiple occasions and gleefully takes up any opportunity he can to remind him how inferior he thinks Klinger is. This same thing is actually done much more effectively in Sons and Bowlers (...”Hawkeye”) 1) Charles has actually spent the episode doing a lot more for Hawkeye than this single gesture at the end  2) I’m just gonna say it lol, Hawkeye is white so things land differently. Hawkeye is an equal, Klinger is "the help". I’m just pointing these things out, not trying to convince you of how you should or shouldn’t feel about Charles. Ultimately it’s up to each person to decide for themself what they will and won’t condone. I would suggest observing how that plays out when it comes to different characters. Are you uncomfortable with Charles’ notions on the family unit while at the same time being unbothered by BJ’s? Do you forgive the one-off joke from Hawkeye about BJ’s 16-year-old babysitter but get up in arms over Henry In Love? Do you have something to say about Aggie’s pursuit of BJ but nothing about Margaret’s full-fledged relationship with Frank (and btw why do we not keep the same energy for cheating men as we do for the women they are cheating with??).  I’ll end by saying what you let slide vs what you don’t is a deeply personal thing. Mulcahy hits me in a certain way because of the particular chip I have on my shoulder, but at the same time I don’t have any issue with other people’s enjoyment of him. At some point you will have to look the other way on something because no character is perfect and they all uphold some fucked up standard in one way or another. What is important imo is being able to identify what kind of messaging a story intends for you to accept and if you want to take it a step further, consider if there are any harmful ideas it might be perpetuating. 

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Little Questions That Improve Emotional Intimacy In A Big Way

"Emotional connection is how we build intimacy."

Kiarra Sylvester

Jan. 08, 2021 04:57PM EST

If you're the least bit wise, one of the first things you've learned about life is this: not all things that glitter are gold. And, because that phrase is applicable to virtually anything, let me be specific. In this case, I mean, you're sitting (stuck even) in the house with your significant other in the midst of a pandemic and boom, you realize you don't know them as well as you might have thought sans lockdown. This could be for many reasons but in my expert opinion and observation, it comes to the over-pouring into one type of intimacy while not necessarily honing in on others (which absolutely matter). 

While some couples ignore sexual compatibility, others are missing financial intimacy or the type of intimacy that is built on non-sexual communication. There are several types of intimacy and it's very rare that couples are well-versed in all of them—we're human, after all. Perhaps you're placing too much weight on sexual intimacy, which can definitely build intimacy but it's similar to when we're locking our thumbprint into our iPhone — it can only span over so much before you have to lift and replace your thumb on another area to ensure you've covered all your grounds. 

But, what I'm here to tell you is that by improving your emotional connection and learning to build emotional intimacy in your relationship as a whole, there will be a trickle effect that occurs in the other areas of your relationship. (Might even unlock next-level sex). So I spoke with one of my faves, Shadeen Francis, licensed sex and relationship therapist, for her thoughts on improving emotional connection in our romantic partnerships. 

She wasted no time expounding on the need for emotional connections in our partnership emphasizing the magnitude of knowing someone deeply. She shared, "Emotional connection is how we build intimacy. Intimacy is the deep knowing of one another, not just things about them, like that they don't like onions, but their actual experience in the world, such as it makes them anxious to travel alone. Rather than the belief that we are supposed to be able to predict or interpret one another's feelings, we learn about each other over time."

"Emotional connection is how we build intimacy. Rather than the belief that we are supposed to be able to predict or interpret one another's feelings, we learn about each other over time."

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Many of us are under the impression that millennials have a disconnect when it comes dating, one that makes us insensitive to the opposite sex. Whether that's true or not, I won't confirm...at least not today but what I will say is that fixing the disconnect will require an entire generation to come together for community building that further explores the current dynamics of Black love. It seems that the more independent we grown — as we reform gender roles — we have lost our ability or incentive to be vulnerable, in my opinion. But according to Francis, vulnerability is a necessary climb but a difficult one for most of us. "Emotional connection requires emotional vulnerability, the regular sharing of emotions. That can feel really hard when we are feeling hurt or afraid. To tell someone 'I am feeling sad' or 'I am feeling scared' is to essentially give them a clear roadmap into your heart. We might not have had the permission, guidance, or the safety to do that in our families, friendships, or past relationships, but it is a necessary practice in relationships."

She continued, "A sign that [this] might be missing [is] if you notice yourself being unwilling to confide in one another, defensiveness, conflict avoidance, or consistently feeling misunderstood." Though, so much of the work does and will occur in your relationships directly. I must add that getting to the healthier version of what our grandparents had (that seems to always be the comparison) — a love that endures all but without so much of the hurt that they suffered due to unspoken trauma (generational and otherwise) — will require vulnerability on a larger scale in addition to doing the work in our individual relationships.

"To tell someone 'I am feeling sad' or 'I am feeling scared' is to essentially give them a clear roadmap into your heart. We might not have had the permission, guidance, or the safety to do that in our families, friendships, or past relationships, but it is a necessary practice in relationships."

Maybe you read this and know immediately that, when it comes to emotional intimacy, you and your boo are lacking. Or maybe you don't feel like that area doesn't need work at all. Either way I'd say there's always room for improvement. We're always evolving individually and in our relationships, thus there's always more intimacy to unpack — things to learn and unlearn — and when you think about it, that's the fun part about partnership. The ebbs and flows.

That said, Francis recommends asking these questions to improve the emotional connection and intimacy: 

How are you feeling? (Invite them to use an emotion word, like angry, surprised, sad - "aight", "good", "fine", and "some type of way" are not feelings!)

What do you wish I knew about you?

When you are feeling _____________, what can I do to help you feel better?

What's a favorite memory we've shared so far? How can we create some of that feeling again?

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She further suggests that you make it a game if it feels a bit odd or "challenging to initiate emotional conversation," adding that "there are a number of card decks and conversation cards that are designed to promote intimate conversation. Pick one that feels like a good fit and set aside some time, maybe over dinner or on a date night, to go through them. Or pull one card each day. Let your partner know it's not a test, you just want to get to know them better."

Additionally, you can check out Pinterest for more activities to help build emotional intimacy. Lastly, because I know society has a habit of asking Black men and women to stay "strong" all the same and yet differently, I inquired about how this intimacy homework and the questions provided might change based on gender...just to be on the safe side. But truly, Francis' response was the perfect f*ck you to the white supremacy that has especially left Black men feeling less than for participating in the human experience that is emotion.

"Society socializes men to disengage from their emotions, but having feelings isn't 'feminine.' Emotions have no gender. Everyone has emotions, they are necessary parts of our survival as they make it clear what we are experiencing."

Love seems sparkly and it definitely has its moments, but much like self-love, the real stuff lies in the ongoing buffering and polishing to ensure that it's not just good lighting reflecting off that jawn. Taking the time to reflect, both actively and retroactively, then initiating change through efforts such as this — well, that's how you truly get to live life in love and … golden (the sparkly stuff too).

Are you a member of our insiders squad? Join us in the xoTribe Members Community today!

Featured image by Shutterstock

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People on here are just completely incapable of understanding nuance like yes butch queen + fem/me queen are terms used in ball culture yes there is a long history of gay men casually describing themselves as butch or femme but people see this and think its exactly the same as dyke butch/femme culture when those are highly different contexts so now we get people angry at lesbians for not wanting to fuck gay men or writing men dni on their posts abt having sex with butches bc its "excluding" butch men or whatever and equating critique of this collapse of context and nuance as being exactly the same as people (not exclusively lesbians) being goofy and ahistorical like no YOU people are being goofy and ahistorical

no literally exactly it's really embarrassing and to me its disrespectful to history bc u literally see ppl just combing thru random lgbt relics to find an example where a gay guy calls himself femme so they can be like see!!! i can join in!!! and like im interested in all of our history not just stuff that only relates to lesbians so i actually read it properly and its so blatantly not talking abt butch/femme culture that its just... to me so obnoxious to like ignore ppls ACTUAL histories in favour of trying to superimpose ur online understanding of like the 21st century evolution of a 70+ year old dynamic that is based around gay women trying to court each other like... its genuinely just goofy and silly and u look illiterate 😭😭😭

also can't believe they don't HEAR themselves like yeah sorry gay women are under so much pressure from misogyny and patriarchy and heterosexuality and constantly demanded to be available and appealing to men it's literally not wrong that we want our own space for our desire to be like safe and insulated that isnt the same thing as judging or devaluing others or w/e its not saying we r better than u or something.

i saw some guy complaining about "lezseps" gatekeeping him from b/f and it's like... u realise ur just a man whining that lesbians don't want to include u in a subculture which is about us dating each other like..... it literally just doesnt make sense for u to be here and it defeats the object of the space entirely. irl gay men are exactly the same like its very normal for a group that has sex n relationships w each other to have like specific spaces and culture around that that just. don't make sense to involve anyone else in like its not Gatekeeping, like im not using grindr or calling myself a twink because it would be pointless outside of being a man trying to sleep with men. even without adding the gendered dynamics of being a man thats like stop excluding ME from ur desire for women or whatever its still just sillyyyy

its just very online behavior bc they have no connection at all to the equivalent sorts of communities for other groups and so they latch onto a misunderstanding of what b/f is without getting that the entire fuel in the motor is like.. desire between women sheieuf like omg its really dumb the more I talk abt it the more im just like this is so dumb why is anyone trying to argue this 😭😭😭 leave women alone frrrrrr

7. describe your favorite relationship dynamic. (can be any kind, platonic, romantic, familial, antagonistic, etc.)

10. what genre do you most enjoy, whether in roleplay, or fiction as a whole? (fantasy, period, superhero, etc.)

12. what roleplay trends do you remember from the year you started tumblr rp? how did you feel about those trends?

7 — Platonic soulmates. I mean I'm a sucker for a ton of romantic plots ( I'm generally a huge shipper in all my RP / fic / personal writing ) because I find them extremely fun to develop, but platonic soulmates, man. When you have a best friend who is just on the same wavelength. Mirrors of each other. Able to read each other in a second. No romantic tension whatsoever. I honestly blame the Inheritance books and CR for this but I just love it so much. And of course found family, but I feel like that's a bonus to a platonic soulmate bond.

 10 — Fantasy!! D&D, fantasy novels, all of that. Medieval era things. I'm waving my hand vaguely in Wikstrom’s direction as I say this. I guess you could lump in any vaguely historical feeling setting, but you've got to add in some sort of fantastical flavor for me to get really hooked.

12 — It's been so long, god, I can't remember the exact year. Maybe 2011? I know I was still in high school when I first started rping on Tumblr specifically. ( Back during my assassin's creed days…….. ) I remember there being magic anons, which I'm kind of glad have fallen out of fashion — kind of sucked to either get told to do things ( and getting rude anons when you ignored / refused a prompt ) or to be the only one left out of a trend. 

What I do really miss are art-based ask blogs. Can we bring those back, those were fun, I made so many friends through those. Back when I first started they were basically hand-in-hand with roleplay blogs — people used them as both. I started out by interacting with a very specific assassin's creed ask blog from my personal, which got me started on one myself eventually! I get why people started to separate them, but I think it was genuinely charming to let everyone ( personals, rp blogs, other ask blogs ) participate. I feel like the loss of that kind of added to a loss of a community feeling in some spaces? 

To be fair, when I first started in the Pokemon rpc ( around 2013, XY era ), at least in my circle, anons and personals were encouraged to interact. With some boundaries of course! 99% of us wouldn't roleplay with a personal blog, but we'd answer asks and, honestly, it encouraged a lot of plot progression. You wouldn't believe how much my Lysandre’s main plot benefited from random people barging in and bothering him about his personal life. 

 Now that there's such a hard line between rp and personals, it feels like there's some loss of that? I know people don't want to have their blogs treated as fics, but… I dunno. I kind of liked it. I made a lot of friends in that manner, and we'd have cards against humanity nights with the non-rpers, everyone laughing at all of our in-universe jokes together. We had Skype groups and got fanart and lots of fun anons pretending to be bystanders and reporters and whatnot. I miss it. 

ANYWAY. This got rambly. Can you tell I've been around for a while. 

Week of 6 November ‘23

Tbh I feel a bit embarrassed that I keep getting crushes on people who end not liking me back or just not seeing it going anywhere romantically or just wanting to be friends. They always go on about how I’m a “really great guy”, and Max told me I was a “catch” to make me feel better. But I don’t feel like much of a catch. I just feel like a failure. Why can’t I seem to spark with someone? I really do like Ellis. Why can’t that just be enough ? I guess I can’t make people like me the way I want them to. That hurts.

I thought things were going quite well honestly and I hoped we could take things further. I thought the problem with Jack was I went too fast physically and we just couldn’t work. With Ellis, I wanted him to make a move, and I didn’t want to be too forward and make a move myself. I didn’t want to come off as too eager. I’m thinking of the song “so what now” by Renee Rapp. A lot of it encapsulates how I feel at the moment. He says for now it’s best if we stayed friends. I don’t want to be delusional and think oh it could amount to something more. I mean it could, and I can hope that it does but I don’t know really. The balls in his court.

Monday Morning (6/11/2023)

I feel physically ill from this emotional torment. I’m so tired and my eyes hurt, and I’m shivering and fidgeting sometimes. Very much a disproportionate reaction to something to small I guess. He just said he wants to stay friends for now, and while I guess I feared things would go that way (I think I even mentioned it in an earlier post ) I still hoped it wouldn’t. Speaking of mentioning it earlier, my writing always ages so badly. Why can’t I help but foreshadow the least satisfactory outcome.

I’m just a little scared that this won’t go anywhere. The thought leaves me desolate. However, we have our funny moments like me falling off the wooden holds to see you taking photos of me or criticising the lack of “dynamicness” of archery. You listening to my show means a lot to me. Even though we haven’t known each other that long you mean a lot to me.

- Hänsel und Gretel (14/10/2023)

I’ve been loving the album "I get into trouble" by maple glider as a result.

9 Nov 2023

Ellis hasn't replied to my texts in quite a while now - so the last text I've gotten from him was from Monday (with him replying to my reply). I've sent a few texts since then with no response since, but he still watches my stories, so maybe he's not ghosting me (but also maybe he is). It just hurts tbh. I may be jumping to conclusions but I'd really hate for things to end this way. It's one thing for things to not go the way I wanted them to, and it's another to be ignored (and maybe have a friendship end - I really hope not). I haven't cried in a few days, but I feel one coming on right now. Haleemah thinks I should move on, and that's true. They said it'd be weird if I kept texting them, and I agree. So I have to end communication from my side at least, at least for a few months (or until he texts back. Whichever bloody comes first). I can't just stop thinking about him, that's impossible, but as time goes things may remind me less and less of him. It's a bit hard though, the film camera I own was partially influenced by him; me starting hockey too (honestly the irony of me crying over the initial message right before I head to the hockey game will never not be lost on me. It's like it was written in a romance film. Love/hate my life). I so want to see and talk to him again, but that might not be the best for now and I don't want to seem pestering. If he doesn't want to talk to me then maybe I should reach out. I hate this whole notion, but I gotta put me first. And it's not like I can't heal with him there (I did it with Jack), but this is probably different. I've liked Ellis for way longer...

goodbye

+click for visual playlist+

i guess relationships don't end overnight. there are always tell tale signs. maybe we chose to ignore it. or maybe we thought it wouldn't matter. maybe we thought we can put up with it. maybe we brushed it off thinking the fault lies with us. maybe we thought nothing of it. maybe we didn't know because we weren't aware enough. but it grows. over time it will grow into a monster and come back for you. when you start to become conscious of it all you will see it all so clear. why did i allow myself to put up with this. why didn't i communicate. why didn't i dare to voice out. why did i not know better. why did i brush my own feelings off. why did i not dare to speak up. why did i allow myself and let myself be walked over when i knew i felt uncomfortable.

maybe by then you're past trying. maybe by then you see no point to communicate. maybe by then you realize maybe it was all wrong from the start. maybe by then you see that the dynamics of this relationship might have been a mistake from the beginning. it is something you got used to because you were young and didn't know better; because it was all you knew and you thought everything worked this way. maybe giving in and not saying anything was all you knew when you were younger. maybe you feel that there isn't a point now because you've tried. you feel like you've knocked on that door a thousand times, waited and wailed but noone came to open the door.

of course there were good times. the glorious times. the days we hugged and cried, the days we soothed the souls of one another and carefully licked each others wounds. the days we swore we would stick by till the end of time. the days we would cross oceans for each other. the days where we would sink us to swim. the days we did bad things together. the days we rebelled and went against all odds, where it was us against the world, the days where it felt like there was only us in the entire universe. all the tiny moments which mattered the most. where we would wipe shit off each other's asses despite not wanting to but still did because love.

but somewhere along these days of tears, blood and joy, somewhere seems to have fallen apart. cracks formed on this magical orb we thought we carefully built, maybe even without us knowing. all the trauma we projected onto each other and was not able to understand. maybe we each had too much on our plate to accommodate to the other's. maybe we didn't think it'd matter as much because it was what was "always there" maybe we forgot that even if a plant grew well, it needed constant care and attention too. maybe because it was a recurring problem so we thought it wasn't as important. truth is i can't tell you an exact time where it went wrong for me too.

maybe i was too caught up in it all to even notice when things took a turn for the worse. it still hurts me when i think about this because we've been a part of each other's life for more than half our lives. we are a part of each other. but i feel like it's for the better. at least for now. i feel liberated and free..? i feel like i can be myself. maybe i'm just really stepping into who i want to be.. and as much as it hurts.. it is a journey without you.

it destroys me to say this but i feel like you can't understand me anymore. it feels like you're frustrated with me and if it were in the past i would have felt sorry for bothering you with all these. i still do now, but less. because i now know that noone should be sorry for sharing how they feel and just wanting someone to listen. also because i don't want to feel sorry anymore. i don't think anyone is at fault although we both had a hand in this. we all have our shortcomings. maybe this might be a time for us to further work on ourselves because of all the traumas that we experienced together during our younger days. maybe we bonded over that trauma. and maybe now i just want out?

i want change because the old me is no longer serving me. it ruins me to know you are not part of this journey with me. because you've made your choice. feels like a huge part of me is gone and i have to find a new me. feels like im navigating my way through the darkness because you used to be light. maybe my heavy reliance has worn you out. i have tried changing but i'm not sure if it worked. seems like it hasn't looking at it now. maybe you are done being the shelter and decided to call it quits.

but i am going to embark on this new journey regardless and i know i will make it through.. because i will. i just want to stop thinking about this; about where it went wrong, if it was me who did not want to face it. i can't find an answer. even till this very moment. you pressing me for answers isn't going to work.

maybe this is how it will all be at the end of the day. radio silent. left out in the cold. there will be no gut wrenching fights, no more pressing of answers, no seeking of closure, no back and forth. it will all just fade into the abyss of silence.. as if it never happened. as if it was never meant to see light.

i will always love you.

i just don't get it. i really don't. I wish my sister and I had a normal sibling like relationship. I just wish we did.

Today, I sent her a very long text message which was very honest, long, and sincere. No response. No efforts on her part. It's always this way with her.

I wish people would understand we really shouldn't take people for granted. Also, given our unfortunate family dynamics, it makes everything a lot worse. If we would lift each other up, things would be much easier. It's very unfortunate.

One day in the very near future, she's gonna regret all the shit she did to me. All the ignored calls, texts, hangout, etc my effort to contact, spend time together, and communicate. Our parents never taught us to have a healthy relationship and instead taught us to compete with each other and pin one against the other, very unfortunate, but as adults its our decision to move past it and forward. it's just all unfortunate.

Hi, I’m asking a few adult simblrs a similar question because it’s something that hits close to home and I feel it needs to be discussed. What are your thoughts on adults and minors in this community interacting? Is it okay for an adult to befriend a minor and vice versa? Your insight will be appreciated, thanks.

So this is a tricky subject. I have a feeling this may spark another simblr discourse, but oh well. There's a lot of subjects I stay away from, but this one I do feel pretty strongly about, so.

I, personally, as an adult, am against befriending minors. I just don't think it's a good idea, or appropriate, even if it's a totally innoccent thing. I don't mind minors following my blog and interacting with my posts, but I would not exchance DMs with them, nor would I join discord servers to make friends with them. And as a general rule of thumb, I also don't myself follow minors' simblrs. I think I might follow a few unknowingly (or at least, I have for sure) because they don't all disclose their age in their bios, and I've unfollowed some after finding out said age. But again, I'm not that strict about it.

But I'd like to add, though, that there's a very big difference between an 18yo and a 16yo becoming friends, and a 30yo and a 16yo becoming friends? I don't know what age gap is like... ok, no, that's a line crossed. But I know that again, I, as a 29yo, do not feel comfortable talking to minors.

I won't soft-block them, I don't ignore their existence. I've seen people say: 'there's nsfw content on my blog' or 'my stories have adult content' and that's why they don't allow minors to follow them, and that's entirely fair. I just think I won't go through that hassle because... well, frankly I remember being 12 and lying about my age so I could access content I... maybe shouldn't have had access to (like, 100% shouldn't have had) and I would resort to all sorts of tricks if I wanted access to it. If they wanna see your blog and your content, they will. But I also don't think that means we should censor ourselves and our stories on the off-chance that a minor sees it because... Well, frankly, tumblr isn't a site just for minors, and adults are allowed to use this space, as adults, as well, no matter the nip ban. What we can do is tag properly, warn about adult content, and hope minors do the smart thing and block this sort of content from their dash.

However, I will not befriend minors nor talk to them in private, and the older I get, the stronger I feel about this. The very, veeery few times I ended up somehow interacting with minors, it turned into me giving life advice, and even this made me highly uncomfortable, because we are complete strangers, and I do not know this kid enough to be giving advices like this, and I've cut it short every single time. I get that some minors maybe don't have any good, nurturing, role-model-types of adults in their private lives, but an internet stranger is not the answer to this problem. And being friends with a minor, especially if the age gap is very big, is just weird. Let them interact with peers their age, there's plenty of simblrs that are minors and can befriend each other, we adults don't need to insert ourselves in those dynamics. It's not a matter of being mean to minors, it's a matter of: we know better on this, and we should not encourage them to seek out complete strangers on the internet who are much older than them.

So yeah. Those are my two cents on this subject.