#or rather lack of trust
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Drow Lore 🕷️ Drow And Hostages
In relation to the story of half-drow Valas the Black Raven mentioned in Icewind Dale 2 - I found there an interesting information that may imply that drow (at least drow from Rilauven) sometimes use hostages in diplomacy.
🕷️ From Envoy To Hostage - in the Black Raven monastery founded by Valas there is a tradition that when the archimandrite (the leader of the order) receives a diplomatic invitation bidding him or her to leave the territory of the monastery, he or she can command the envoy who delivered the invitation to stay in the monastery as a "residing guest" - a hostage of sorts.
The envoy is obliged to remain in the monastery until the leader of the order returns, serving as a guarantor of good faith of the other side. Such residing guest / hostage is treated well and enjoys all the privileges of the guest of honour... at least as long as no treachery is involved.
This tradition is supposed to be old and …began by the drow, as explains one of the characters in game.
It is quite possible that the founder of the monastery borrowed this concept from drow culture - he grew up and spent several decades of his life in drow city, after all, serving in at least two Loth-sworn drow houses in Rilauven.
🕷️ Hostages In Drow Culture - matron mothers and their closest associates seem to rarely leave their cities - probably because for a noble drow, every invitation "from the outside" may be a potentially deadly trap. And rescuing an important member of noble family from the clutches of whoever (or whatever) captured them in the Underdark can be hard and not always successful.
(One of the first quests in Ust Natha in Baldur's Gate 2 can be an example of that.)
On the other hand, refusing a diplomatic invitation can be taken as an insult and have unpleasant consequences that both sides may want to avoid. Drow most likely have some diplomatic protocol for such situations.
The practice of giving and receiving hostages could be one of means of political communication at least in some drow cities - although probably mainly between houses or organizations of more or less equal power. In case of diplomatic invitations, I suppose that the more valuable the envoy / hostage is, the more safe the invited noble can feel... probably.
For more of my drow lore ramblings, feel free to check my pinned post 🕷️
#drow#drow lore#dnd lore#lolth sworn drow#dark elves#drow culture#rilauven#icewind dale 2#with drow concept of trust#or rather lack of trust#engaging in drow diplomacy sounds like hell
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in defense of kabumisu……..
addressing things I see people say about why kabru being shipped w mithrun is ‘bad’ or why their canon relationship ‘doesn’t mean anything’ while also clearing up misconceptions of the characters some fans have
listen it keeps popping up and I just gotta do this or my brain will melt (if you don’t see it around then god I wish that were me)
there’s an age gap!- erm there’s also an age gap in farcille (ily), the most popular ship in the series...also chilchuck looks like a kid but a lot of fans recognize him as a dilf because of his relative age, so there should be no age gap discourse among adult characters because it feels so conditional tbh
kabru taking care of mithrun is racist!- marcille likes to take care of others as well. is that sexist, or just an aspect of her character?
kabru isn’t treated like a servant, waiting on mithrun hand and foot…I mean he gives mithrun a foot massage but no one told him to do all that lmfao
he's also not the only one to care for mithrun. pattadol is shown to worry for him and milsril was the one to start taking care mithrun in the first place after he…...y’know. speaking of which-
they probably met when kabru was a kid!- neither of them showed signs of recognizing each other the entire time mithrun was introduced nor when they were together.
and im pretty sure KABRU of all people would show some kind of recognition if they'd met before. it's kabru!!! the people person!!! mr. "i-noted-down-50+-characters-in-this-dude's-backstory-for-fun-and-actually-enjoy-social-gatherings"
you would think some kind of memory would come back to him especially after hearing mithrun’s backstory if milsril had even told kabru about him as a kid. but nope. it’s just fan speculation unless there's a side comic suggesting otherwise that i haven't seen
mithrun doesn't care about kabru, his shapeshift double looked like shit!- it's obviously because of mithrun's (then) lack of desires that it looked like that, but they really grow on each other
i think it's safe to assume it'd look more like kabru after they spent so much time together (also laios can barely even remember kabru's name..also saw his face multiple times and didn’t recognize him when they talked for the first time)
mithrun is racist!- he’s actually the least likely character to be racist since he lost his desires and that includes a desire for superiority over others. he even calls his past self out on that part of himself. the other elves in that side comic were being just as racist to shorter lived races but just didn’t use ‘outdated slurs’
(unfortunately literally every main character in dunmeshi is at least a lil prejudiced, but I believe it’s worldbuilding and a sign of the times rather than a reason ryoko kui is giving to hate each character)
taking care of others is a pain in the ass!- saying this as a reason kabru and mithrun shouldn't be together is basically saying disabled people shouldn't be allowed to have romantic relationships because they're a "burden"...if someone is actually willing to put in the work, then let them be.
that's not even all of their relationship, mithrun is the fighter of their duo and kabru would've been killed by the shapeshifter or something if he'd fallen down the hole on his own since he sucks at fighting monsters.
mithrun helps collect ingredients for cooking every time, too (barometz fruits and griffin egg). he pulls his weight and then some!! i feel like people forget that part of mithrun a lot somehow.
+senshi literally cooks for everyone all time. it's kind of an important aspect of the narrative.
+also, while it is a popular fan thing I see around that kabru handfeeds mithrun, he literally never does lol this is mithrun using his own hands to eat:
also here we have him washing his own body
just saying because people like to treat mithrun like a baby even though the narrative respects him as a capable adult who also has special needs because of an accident. he’s captain for a reason
kabru hates taking care of mithrun!- not exactly, he was initially surprised and put off but got used to it quickly. i’m sure he’s grateful for all the times mithrun saved him from a monster and teleported them out of danger as well
he even starts doing “unnecessary” things for mithrun’s comfort and safety like when mithrun pushes himself too hard fighting, even after his mission to take care of him was complete when the canaries came back
here is even kabru resting while mithrun keeps watch (mithrun let him sleep for 5 hours before waking him up from the nightmare earlier, too):
there's nothing more to their relationship!- they actually have had a very tight and consistent dynamic since they met and they incite the most change within each other by the end.
kabru is the one who inspires mithrun to create new desires so he doesn't waste away, and mithrun is the first person we see kabru being genuine with and it leads him to be more honest with others by the end instead of tiptoeing around everyone all the time (that mask was also the reason some ppl initially disliked kabru…)
kabru’s relationship with mithrun is honestly so important for his character and vice versa, but it’s often disregarded because of one over exaggerated aspect of it (an aspect that isn’t even the first way they interact with each other) or because people want to just straight up ignore it for some reason 🥲🥲
kui dedicates many panels to them that don't particularly serve the narrative as a whole in order to demonstrate this and i think that's pretty significant
you're taking this too seriously!- as if i'm the first person in the world to be crazy about a ship or the characters 😭 i love analyzing text and it's upsetting to see them mischaracterized when kui lays out the characters so clearly and deliberately
also they end up touching each other like all the time and have the kind of canon validation most ppl can only dream of lol i feel so insane look at this:
and this is just when they're first getting to know each other cuz there's a fuckload more
kinda hard to explain how i don't actually need them to get married or whatever but i'd die on this hill for them and i enjoy their dynamic immensely
haha you thought you were reading ship discourse but it was actually a character analysis 🤪🤪🤪
also don’t somehow take this to mean I think anyone has to ship them, I just need everyone to understand these accusations kind of don’t make sense especially when they can also apply to other pairs or characters
bonus kabru just looking at mithrun:
#dungeon meshi#kabumisu#kabru of utaya#mithrun#dungeon meshi spoilers#i'd rather be able to enjoy their dynamic without feeling like i have to explain it but i keep seeing the same takes i cant do this anym-#i feel like i advocate for kabumisu so much because i see so many people mischaracterizing kabru to make l4bru work like how they want#by saying he’s obsessed w laios because he thinks he’s hot..but he was curious about his autistic behavior and eventually thought his lack#of malice would make laios the best candidate for becoming dungeon lord to prevent another utaya tragedy. tho eventually he doubts that#not that i care that he's shipped with laius. i just want ppl to see kabru for who he IS bc some still think hes nothing but a shady bicth#i think that's best shown through his dynamic with mithrun (other than his own words of course) so i want ppl to acknowledge it properly#like idk if I can trust popular fan interpretations of the characters or relationships anymore after the shit with toshiro bro 💀💀#not trying to attach kabru’s entire being to mithrun or anything either just..saying#hm i feel like the way i worded all of this will make some ppl mad. not my intention but whoops#anyways has anyone drawn ship art of senshi and mithrun yet? anyone?
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people dont talk enough about how heartbreaking the marlon betrayal mustve been for clem too,,
this dude saves the life of her and her kid. takes them in has them patched up gives them their first hot meal in who knows how long. gives them a safe place to stay. possibly permanently. confides in her that hes trying to be a good leader but feels like and fears that hes failing. asks her to help him take care of the rest of the group. helps her get over her fear of dogs by asking her to trust him. and things go well. she feels safe. like this place could really finally be the home shes been looking for
but as soon as she finds out what happened to the twins. that marlon planned on giving up her and aj too. she immediately becomes a liability to him and he attempts to kill her for it. locks her in the basement to die by walker. then tries to turn the group against her so he can shoot her instead when the first method fails. and he nearly succeeds
then a majority of the group turn against clem the minute aj kills marlon. ignoring marlons mistakes but condemning aj for his. like clem wasnt betrayed by marlon in the exact same way he betrayed the twins. like she literally wasnt almost killed twice? and how long had he been considering giving her up? was it always some contingency he planned? did he truly want to keep them around and things only changed when he feared the raiders had returned? she'll never know
#i think about this a lot... the betrayal... clems deep trust issues... then they all want to kick her out (except vi aasim and tenn 💕)#when she was just as impacted if not more so than the rest of them. since she was the only one with her Life on the line#thats why violet fighting so hard for them to stay is so important imo and would MEAN SO MUCH to clem too#vi and aasim are the only ones who can see past the bullshit and realize that theyre safer with clem around#while the rest would rather kick her out so they dont have to acknowledge their confused feelings about marlon#like first marlon betrays her then the rest of the group tell her to get fucked and die. dont come back. we never want to see you again#but she does. and she saves them#personally i do think marlon had 'good' intentions but he was a scared and fucked up kid who made bad decisions#and continued to make bad decisions to cover for his previous fuck ups#but that just makes him interesting :)#and i like teaching aj the difference between people like marlon and people like lilly#all of clems 'wow i feel so safe here :) and these guys seem smart :)' personal dialogue around ericsons makes me 😭#she was so happy to be at ericsons. and they turn against her so fast when she was more of a victim than any of them#aj is a literal baby. do not treat him like an adult who can make fully rationalized decisions. hes a baby and he only knows survival#at least they slowly get over it after clem comes back (some take longer than others...)#but the lack of compassion in voting to kick them out is heartbreaking. she was heartbroken#and thats not acknowledged as much as it should be#posting this old drafted post now cuz it expands my feelings on clems broken heartedness about the marlon situation#it speaks#twdg
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headcanon that as sophie ages, she gets more and more off-put by how she still looks twenty at some age past 40. the only wrinkles she has are smile lines and a barely-there crease between her eyebrows that never leaves. no gray hairs. it doesn’t feel like there’s any physical evidence of how much stress aged her too fast.
(maybe she dyes more grays into her hair to feel better about her reflection, the more time passes by. maybe, on bad days, she contours wrinkles into her skin with makeup. maybe the bad days get more frequent as she ages outside the human lifespan. maybe.)
#i feel like fitz and dex are the only friends of hers that really get it#since fitz understands more surrounding human cultures than most elves thanks to his firsthand experience in the search#and dex grew up with his mom’s romcoms#which would probably show some human perspectives on aging#and his mom explaining some things that didn’t quite make sense to Smol Dex#but i’ve always imagined sophie turning up on fitz’s doorstep in the middle of the night#with tears running down her face and saying she didn’t know who else to talk to about almost-immortality feeling so so so wrong as she#gets older. not necessarily just because he knows more about humanity than most of her group#but also because like. there’s some part of her that says ‘if he can help you through learning to be an elf at 12 maybe he can help you at#42 too’. and they’re cognates. and they’ve gotten old enough to set aside teenage grievances with one another#and i like the idea of them sitting on a couch together by lamplight and trying to navigate the cultural and personal differences#in how the two of them and humanity and the lost cities view mortality#and not really reaching a concrete conclusion. but rather. a conclusion that keeps the two of them sane until they reach triple digits.#and then they have the conversation again. and come up with a plan to stay sane in their triple digits. and the same thing pops up in their#thousands. idk man the whole thing screams trust down to the bone and that’s what they should have when the war is over#is there anything more Cognate than talking through wildly different fears surrounding the same thing that make both parties#super vulnerable??? down to how your minds work in the face - or lack of - death?#maybe so but i can’t think of them off top of my head#kotlc#sophie foster#kotlc headcanons#keeper of the lost cities
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I do not think it’s a good idea to keep Nia’s situation from the rest of the group. But the bitchy side of me is glad she doesn’t wanna tell anyone because I know the moment we do, it’ll become all about her again and MC’s issues will get pushed even further into the background 😑🤷🏽♀️
#choices bolas#choices blades#blades of light and shadow#choices stories you play#playchoices#‘she’s the baby of the group’ ‘you’re our heart’ ‘poor innocent Nia needs to be protected and saved again’#and the thing is that I do like Nia as a character#but 1) I hate when MCs aren’t treated like MCs#and their only purpose is to observe and facilitate the other characters’ stories and growth#and I feel like that’s ultimately what ended up happening in book 1 of this series and will most likely happen in this one as well#like yes obviously MC experienced growth as well but it’s always in the ‘going from a newbie to a competent individual’ sense#and that’s beyond old#plus it doesn’t work when they pick and choose when they want to acknowledge our competence in book 2#and 2) I also can’t stand this flawless/perfect character archetype they do#or rather the ‘only flawed in ways that make them look even more perfect’ characters#it’s so overdone and unrealistic imo#like Nia is so selfless she doesn’t consider her own needs?#she’s generally timid and lacks confidence?#she can be naive and a bit too trusting?#please those aren’t even really flaws#they just serve to make the character even more the paragon of virtue which again is just unrealistic#especially because the last two often end up being flipped and portrayed as the person always seeing the good in others#but idk maybe I’m missing the point or something#I know this is a common character archetype but it’s one of my least favorites#which sucks because as I said I do actually like Nia even though I might be coming across as a hater#i like some of the writing for how she fits into the group and I also like how her faith is unwavering#plus she is competent and has skills in her own right#but for whatever reason the writers thought giving her real flaws or at least acknowledging the shallow ones they did give her#beyond face value wasn’t a good idea?#idk maybe I’m wrong though and things will play out different than I expect
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i may not be a reader of the romance genre but i will always support it.. do i realistically care that the love interest is a little overboard with his protectiveness... that he's a bit fucked up and violent.. no i dont.. of course people arent reading these books to be examples for real life.. like they know its literally fiction why do we assume theyre dumb.. women have been reading these for self indulgence for centuries and throughout time they'vealways been called shallow for it.. and i support these readers.. there's always going to be a pushback against romance stories .. and i will always stand by their right to exist with all their unrealistic rose tinted lenses
#had some conversations about old books recently and this is my conclusion#now i do strongly believe that romances SHOULD be held up to a critical lens but i do NOT think it constructive to criticise features of the#genre such as Emphasis On Romance or Overprotective Love Interest or Conflict Centred Around Emotions Rather Than Action#however i am very willing to discuss like. is this plot engaging. how developed are other characters not involved in the central romance.#elements of prejudice within the story. lack of focus..#like there can be a lot to critique in a romance#but trust me it's not useful to start firing at the fact there is romance in the romance story#anyway whatever this is unrelated to anything i have just been THINKING#another disclaimer yes ik women arent the only ones who consume romance stories however they are a primary demographic and i think that this#is relevant to the conversation#anyway this is nothing to do with mcyt i GUESSS tho it's a little to do with how we treat ship fics actually. whatever send post
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“It's not a butterfly yet, so why is it blamed for not being able to fly?”
#gonta gokuhara#gokuhara gonta#danganronpa#v3#ndrv3#moth#dragonfly#my art#concept drawing of sorts#also muh symbolism xd#the rest of tags is some optional blahblah#but yeah Gonta's parents seem like the types who'd tell depressed people to 'get over it'#`oh no our kid can't get over 10 formative years of social separation in like 5 minutes! what a disgrace!` ...jfc I lack words#well I don't but there's just so much to say it's overwhelming#tldr Gonta's outlandish circumstances of a wild child from a wealthy family hide ordinary and sadly common reality of many#where emotionally vulnerable or divergent people with ignorant caretakers end up thinking their mistreatment is normal or even 'deserved'#esp when they lack better point of reference/are berated for asking for help and 'not knowing already'/are too trusting bc of self-doubt#or so compassionate/compliant they'd rather deal with hurt than 'inconvienience' others by reaffirming their boundaries#his backstory might not be as extreme as some other characters - but is still an example of upbringing that can be devastating to a person#it's not smth drastic and sudden enough not to adapt to it - yet not harmless enough not to slowly corrode person's mental health#all the unfairness becomes so ingrained within you it's hard to tell where your personality ends and your trauma begins#esp when one is naturally inclined for over-responsibility/perfectionism/empathy in the first place#and - at least from my perspective - it was just too real and accurate and made too much sense - I can only congratulate the writers on this#i guess you could say those sort of thoughts were an inspiration for this drawing...#anyway that barely scratches the surface but all in all#he's been doing incredibly well and he's amazing and valid the way he is now too#sod his parents and sod those who took advantage of him by exploiting his traumas-masking-as-traits
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me: i'm not gonna make this about magic
also me:
#LISTEN#magic is NOT the main point of this#well not really#it's lack of trust#or rather merlin's trust issues#but#it stems from the magic reveal so#basically i'm a liar#hey ho#at least i'm writing right :D
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It's not like I've ever seen anyone here have any filter for what political messages they reblog, people just see someone talk about a situation in a way that makes them feel like they know who the villain is and press reblog, without question or applying any prior knowledge to their interpretation, especially if it's something that doesn't affect them personally, and especially if it goes against what they think most people believe so they can stick it to the man and feel like they know better. It's not something new and I usually don't hold it against anyone, I'm definitely guilty of it myself, but man does it feel more pervasive than ever now that every 5th post is taking a very confident stance on a war they only know from news and social media, all saying the same thing, enraged that anyone would ever claim otherwise. And it never hit so close to home for me, it was always someone else's problem for me too, someone I didn't know, but this time I got to spend a day wondering if a loved one was still alive, this time I get to be careful in public so I don't get killed for someone else's crimes.
Can we just all (myself included) think a little more, do a little more research before we decide what nuance does or does not exist? I promise you that you're not obligated to post about everything, you're not obligated to have an opinion on everything, and I promise you are going to be wrong sometimes.
#personal#no reblog on this one actually#tw war#cw war#tw death#cw death#this is me venting and trying to learn from the experience#rather than just growing bitter and blocking my mutuals for lacking critical thinking on the no critical thinking website#and I know this is the no reading comprehension website so I'd rather this didn't circulate#because I know there are people who won't hesitate to equate 'some people are grossly oversimplifying a war because they're not perfect'#with 'I think you dear reader are an idiot for not trusting authorities and I'm the real victim and war crimes are justified'#anyway I'm gonna go block some tags because watching people praise Hamas isn't going to help anyone in Palestine#tw Palestine#cw Palestine#tw Hamas#cw Hamas#tw current events#cw current events#I'm still gonna regret making this post aren't I?
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the thing about their information on gargarin right. is that yeah eighteen years ago he was the king's favourite advisor. but no one checks where he was thirteen years ago even though those answers (in the dungeons/who fucking knows, depending who you ask) would seem to imply that perhaps it is not so clear cut that he was responsible, and instead assume this based on that letter he sent the belegonians
#i do think it's a cultural thing in lumatere there is very much this tendency towards honesty and bluntness#like if they don't want to talk about something they just won't. rather than lying (as a general rule!!!)#so when they see him talking to the belegonians in a roundabout more political manner this implies that he is untrustworthy#& therefore most likely responsible#+ they don't have the context we as the audience have regarding him#anyway this is a deeply miserable chapter & finnikin never really manages to come back from the shit he pulls here for me#just this genuine lack of respect or trust for isaboe & instead this assumption she must be lying/have feelings for froi#nasty fucker#lumaterereread
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s1-3 are truly the platonic ideal of supernatural i miss it so much…
#motw to reveal the gothic family horror lore#it’s uninterested in morality but rather depicts actions as how the brothers feel about them#the stakes are SO high. it’s SCARY. there’s no god or angels that can save you#the world is full of monsters yet sam prays every night#trying to outrun this terrifying force#and the love that was there…it doesn’t disappear in the later seasons at all#but it becomes increasingly clear that dean has NO clue how to handle his emotions and he never gets a chance and he just gets angrier#and angrier and I feel the earlier seasons let him and sam get mad and mean and have conflict but#it put them in a spot where ultimately they trusted each other. I MISS THAT#dean selling his souls with absolutely no belief in god btw is insane like#i miss the total lack of deus ex machina#*soul lmao so far as I know dean only has the one
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god just....11 tossing amy an apple (the apple) in a scene where he asks her to believe in him again and the “throwing an apple is a declaration of love” stuff, so the scene reads as him saying “I love you, believe in me.”
And then there’s the fact that he throws her the apple as a way of proving himself, so the scene is both “I love you, believe in me” and “believe in me because I love you”
And Then there’s amy’s apple necklace, a symbol of both her faith in 11 and his love for her, and the only time it shows up (if memory serves me correctly) is in a scene where she calls him back into existence, calls him back to her, by the force of her belief in him....and all of that ends up looping back to the Doctor laying out the things she needs to remember and putting his faith in her to bring him back (I found you in words, like you knew I would.)....so the apple becomes both a symbol of her faith and a symbol of his....and their love for each other is bound to that faith, emphasised over and over again:
BUT THEN!!! all that faith is unstable, Amy’s lying to him in the first scene, saying all the right words so he does what they ask him to...and for all his promises surrounding Demon’s Run, Amy never gets her baby back...the Let’s Kill Hitler scene is the TARDIS’s projection of Amy, echoing the lie she told him at the start of the series to give him the strength to not die....every interaction of faith that they have in S6 is warped and twisted.
All of this obviously coming to head in The Girl Who Waited and The God Complex. In TGWW, Amy falls back into trusting the Dr when he promises he can save both of them, only to have him shut her out and leave her for dead and in TGC, he asks her to abandon her faith in him. The declaration shifts from The Eleventh Hour’s “I love you, believe in me” to “I love you, stop believing in me”....and Amy does, at least momentarily...
Because they kill the Minotaur and get out of the labyrinth but the episode closes with the (deleted, but it’s so real to me) line “because you still love me” and a shot of Amy looking up out of a window (a shot that is almost definitely referencing the earlier scene, where a younger amy is depicted in her TEH clothes, looking out a window, despite the fact that the real version of her waits in a garden).....and if Amy’s love for the Dr is tied to her faith in him (a point emphasised by TGWW, where Amy loses her faith over the 36 years and announces that she hates the him) then 11 leaving her behind because she still loves him is read as him leaving her behind because she still believes in him.
#don't know what point I'm trying to make here#it's really just a train of thought....#anyways 11amy's weird faith/trust complexes are so so so important to me#and they make me so so so sick#also I think there can be an argument made about amy's waiting = a lack of faith#rather than complete faith#she never really believes that he'll come back but she waits anyway#and even when he's there she believes he'll leave#and she chooses rory because he isn't going to leave#because he's better than ''loving and losing the dr''#there's so much about them that makes me ill#Doctor Who#Amy Pond#dw meta#<< sort of - don't think it's as well thought out as it could be#getting a bad grade in dw essays sorry#2: run away with me anytime you want
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kinda wild how you can have almost every aspect of your life deeply intertwined with someone else for years and then have all of that thrown in your face when that person decides none of it meant anything and, in fact, was toxic and purge-worthy
#hahahaha it’s been a bad day#and I am spiraling and all around not having a good time#I keep looking at the bulletin board in my room that used to make me so happy to look at because of all the good memories on it and the#reminder of there being people who care about me and now it just sorta. does the opposite#most of it just makes me feel. dread.#he’s in almost every picture and 80% of the people in the pictures in general I don’t talk to anymore for one reason or another#mostly people who just drifted away because I’m absolutely terrible at staying in touch with people#like not in a quirky way. like actually actively ruins relationships for no reason level bas#but some of them are people who purposefully don’t talk to me anymore#found out recently about one of these people. it’s someone I’d been friends with for like 15 years. purposefully blocked me#I believe because of whatever bullshit my ex has told her. she never asked me about anything so whatever she knows is#heavily biased and probably warped#because I don’t have anyone advocating for me. lol#even my close friends- the extremely few I have- are ‘neutral’ on it. which. im gonna be honest hurts me quite a bit. I have no one who#truly condemns him for the way he’s handled (lack thereof) all this and bolstered all my trust issues in the process and has made me#constantly critical of my own intentions because I can never trust that what I do or say is manipulative or ‘unhealthy’ anymore and I don’t#think I’m an all around good person on top of that because of my low empathy and all that and etc etc etc. it’s really fucked me up#but yeah anyway. yeah. they’re still on good terms with him more or less (though not as close as I am but that’s partly just due to me being#physically close rather than in another city). and it honestly hurts me that they could actively be centrists here#like I. just. really don’t trust anyone anymore. how the fuck could I#uh. anyway. im not sure if i want to take the board down all together or just take off almost all the photos on it#not sure what’s more depressing#cause they’re both pretty bad lol. almost all my major good memories from the past five years have included my ex so they’re basically all#tainted and unpleasant to look back on now. really just wasted five years of my life for this#another reason I’m constantly contemplating my own intentions these days is because I have a lot of thoughts and urges that I’d never do but#that are. related to purposefully hurting others or myself physically or emotionally or both. like. every part of me wants to deck my ex in#the face but obviously I’d never do that. but even just the compulsion feels like a justification of his narrative/view of me as a person#like haha maybe I am a shitty toxic abusive manipulative bastard. maybe I do just deserve to be alone where I can’t hurt or think about#hurting anyone. it’d definitely be better all-around if I didn’t fucking exist. burden lifted. but you know.#not sure how im like this but also egotistical and self centered but alas here we are. anyway I’ll delete this soon sorry
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#everyday i feel like a spare tire that is only needed for house chores#'005 why dont you talk about your day more often' (talks) (gets shut down 1s after i finish to talk about THEIR day)#whole family doesnt trust me with jack shit even with basic things like paying the bill and would rather get my bro to do it than me#standing there talking about furniture and the way my mum just wants to keep asking my bro#despite him literally telling her to ask me and pointing to me#the way my aunt and uncle shuts down realising when he goes overseas they have to talk to ME and they dont trust me#i dont know why it's so hard. just 1) give me your problems and 2) i will solve them as fast as possible#mum convo with my bro : up to 3 hours at times#mum convo with me : 10 minutes tops#'005 why do you like to talk to yourself' yeah i sure Don't Know Why.#thank you for continuously reaffirming that i have no obligation to care for you when even basic topics get ignored#i am highly aware that i am not appreciated and that the lack of my existence wont affect the timeline in anyway but Come On.#i am practically a dummy for people to yell at every time they get grumpy or their vibes are off#idle thoughts
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&&the mental gymnastics they do to sleep each night without a guilty conscience so they can convince themselves their disgusting behavior is justified toward you🤥
#weird but creative lies#oddly specific enough to be believable lies#the reality of your actions & lack thereof are SO painful youd rather convince yourself of a lie to make you feel better#i am DYING to know what other lies you tell your loved ones about me haha#but the fact that someone who trusted your word snitched on you and told me your weird idea of smearing my name thru the mud#and with what you lied about its clear it comes from a place of deep insecurity of what you know im telling other people you did to ne#idk the parallels between me talking abt my lived experience with you as a close friend vs what you told your family im saying about THEM?#just own up to your wicked good ability to displace blame and make me look like a crazy person#oh youre telling everyone i put you in danger?!#i need to put you in more danger and make you look like your word is paper thin!#see theyre calling random people theyve never met nazis!! obviously i did nothing wrong not telling you i brought one to your house#you are so sick ive been wrestling for over a year since i found out#for you to take how uncomfortable that made me feel knowing you had a chance to tell me and didnt#and over a year later you still wont see why it hurt#but I understood why you didnt tell me so i trief to ask for spacr to heal our relationship and you snaked around that boundary#and tried to manipulate the people AROUND ME into forgiving you before i was ready#everyone does things to other humans that fuck them up. it does not reflect you. what reflects you as a person is how you handle it#and youre just burying your head in the sand acting like youre above it
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YES exactly, same for me 😭 it hits me sooooo hard i want to eat this song i want it to be physically under my skin i'm JWXNSJZJAAAAAAA
how satellite goes to sleep at night knowing she's the best song on the album
#yessss!!! it just makes me so emotional because we have how many songs from harry lamenting a lack of communication#(mostly from his end) in their relationship?? and to have this song start with him actually trying#(rather than just being sad about it) to initiate that conversation is just everything to me. like the ✨growth✨#and sure maybe harry needs some liquid courage to get the ball rolling and sure maybe louis isn't ready to talk just yet#but the focus of the song isn't about that#it's about how harry's all in#about how he's devoted to louis and their relationship#he desperately wants to be there for louis#and rather than panic or worry that they aren't talking enough#he understands that louis needs time and space to figure things out#showing that he trusts louis to pull him in when he's ready to talk#but until then harry is happy to wait for him#orbiting around him like the sun#and idk if it's because i've seen harry grow up these past ten years or what but it makes me so emotional this kind of writing come from#him#he went from 'it feels like these days i'm watching you from afar...don't let me go' to 'i'm spinning out waiting for ya to pull me in'#anyway im gonna go cry myself to sleep now lmao
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