It's kind of jarring to be reminded that everyone around me has always had more than me (aside from a select few). Like I just forget until it comes down to something mundane like buying shoes and I don't know my shoe size because for most of my life I've had one pair of shoes that I wear until they break. And it was usually something someone either got me as a gift (horrified that my shoes were wearing out. As if thats not what shoes do when you wear them) or they were passed down and I grew into them.

Like that's just normal for me. It doesn't bother me either, this isn't a pity party. It's just surreal that it bothers other people sometimes

what home is

a/n: this is my submission for @antoineroussel 's summer fic exchange 2k21! thank you for organizing this all demi. i recieved @timstuetzle and i am so excited to finally share this! im sorry it's so late but i had a lot of fun writing for Tim and i hope i did him justice! i made this a gender neutral reader again, so please enjoy my take on some friends to enemies to lovers :)

pairing: tim stützle x reader

word count: 18k+ (holey moley)

warnings: some angst, set in no covid-universe, a few swears, an odd timeline

disclaimer: this is a work of fiction and real person fiction if you don’t like that, please don’t read! the banner is made by me, with photos found from pinterest and the transparent made by @art-and-the-hockeys (thank you!!!)

The start of the season was your favourite. The chill of the rink, the sound of skate edges on the ice, the smell of skate sharpening- it was all so familiar. As an analyst, the start was the best. There were new lineups, new plays, and a chance to try new things. Considering this was your first year as a real analyst, not just checking over others' work, you were excited. You got to actually help to build a Stanley Cup winning team.

What you didn’t love was how everyone seemed to lose their heads and decide to run around the arena. You’d been looking for the coach of the Ottawa Senators for the past twenty minutes. You’d think the man would be in his office the first day back, but no. He decides to take a stroll to who-knows-where and leaves you to follow invisible breadcrumbs.

Eventually, you found yourself on one of the lower levels. You continued down the hallway, entering an open space with concrete floors. The bustle of the new season was in full swing as you swerved between various people working like gears in a machine. You tried to do your best to stay out of other people’s way but you still ended up walking into a hard surface.

“Oof!” Shit. Hard surfaces don’t usually talk. You looked up at what you ran into and saw two men staring at you. Both were wearing Senators hoodies but one was a taller blond and the other a slightly shorter brunet. The brunet has a backwards snapback on but that wasn't what made you stop in your tracks. It was his eyes. They were soft and welcoming, something like a home cooked meal, but they had a glint of adventure in them.

“Oh my gosh, I am so sorry! I wasn’t really looking where I was going. I am so sorry.” You apologized to the blond you ran into.

“Hey, all good. I’m-”

“Number 7.” You turned toward the brunet. “And...number 18, right?” When they both gave you a weird look, you shrugged. “I’m an analyst here so, uh, you’re just numbers to me.”

“Okay, ouch but you are the reason we’re going to be winning more games this season, so I'll give it to you. I’m Brady, and this is Jimmy.” The blond gestured to himself first, before gesturing beside him.

“It’s Tim, actually.”

You introduced yourself to the two players, before looking around the hallways. “Um, would either of you happen to know where the coach is? I can’t find him,” You held up the file folders in your hands. “I’ve got new numbers for him.”

“Oh yeah he’s probably close to the ice, we’ll show you.” Brady started down a hallway, both you and Tim falling in stride behind him. “So Numbers-”

“-Y/n-” You glared at Brady for the nickname, rolling your eyes as he continued on. From your peripheral vision, you saw the corners of Tim's mouth turn up.

“-If you don’t mind me saying….either you look really good for your age, or you aren’t old enough to be working here,” He continued, giving a glance your way.

You looked down at your shoes and gave a sigh. “I get that a lot, and I am young-er than my colleagues but I assure you, I am qualified to work for this organization.”

“Wasn’t doubting that, just seeing how much I get to tease ya. Jimmy’s the rookie,” He elbowed him and Tim tried to swerve around it, only to bump into a stack of pylons. Brady and you shared a grin at his expense. “So he gets all the teasing. Same for the numbers people. You’re the rookie.” He shrugged

“Well, I’m not actually a rookie anymore. This is my second year here,” You mentioned, looking towards the two guys. Brady looked impressed whereas Tim’s eyes went large and his jaw slack a little.

“How?” He asked, and you laughed. The three of you turned a corner, and you walked slightly faster to talk.

“I graduated high school pretty early. And then took my statistics undergrad at the University of Ottawa. I minored in sports studies and I met your GM at a conference for the department. When he found out I was in Ottawa alone, he kinda took me under his wing, checked in every now and again. When I graduated two years ago, he offered me an analyst position and I was lucky enough to land it. I love working here, even if I’m way younger than everyone else. Last year, I stayed in my office a lot, double checking people’s work but this year, they gave me more responsibility. I’m excited for the challenge.”

“You are going to be great.” Tim said, meeting your eyes, his gaze showing that his comment was genuine. You ducked away from his gaze but muttered a ‘thanks’. The three of you rounded another corner, Brady ducking out to talk to a reporter, but Tim said he’d help you find the coach.

You settled into a comfortable silence as you walked beside each other through the chilled hallways. He abruptly took a left turn, cutting you off and causing you to bump into him. You immediately apologized, this being the second time today you’d run into a hockey player.

“‘S my fault, I’m still getting used to the new arena,” He said, a sheepish smile appearing on his face. He nodded his head down the hallway, as a silent ‘after you’ and you started walking. As you got further down, you realized Tim walked you out to the bench. The light became brighter, the air a little crisper, and the floor turned from a concrete grey to a bright red. Your eyes wandered up, admiring the view from down here. You’d be truthful earlier, you’d only ever visited your office. But from down here, you could see everything- the thousands of seats, the banners hanging from the ceiling, the crystal white ice. You stood close to the wall, as if to try to intimidate a fly on a wall, seeing everything as if you weren’t there. You could feel Tim could up from behind you, letting you take it all in for the first time.

“That’s Coach,” He leaned closer to you as he pointed across the ice towards someone in a tracksuit. You nodded and although Tim dropped his hand, he stayed close to you. The coach eventually noticed the two of you and started to skate over to the bench. Tim cleared his throat and you looked at him.

“I got to- I have to go now, but, um, I’ll see you around?” You nodded to his question, a soft smile on your lips. He rocked back and forth on his heels, as if he knew he had to leave but he kept getting pulled towards you. “Good luck with the season.”

“Good luck with yours too.” At that he turned away from you, and you turned to the coach, pulling out your file folder to talk with him.

***

A week or two later and the start of the season was upon the Canadian Tire Centre. The home opener was in a few days and your week had been hectic, trying to get notes from practices and implement what you saw into your analysis. After a morning full of spreadsheets, you decided to take your lunch break in your sanctuary. Last year, the arena felt too big to stick around in on your lunch break. So you had headed outside, where you discovered a small hiking trail about a ten minute drive from work. It quickly became a place where you went whenever you needed to clear your head. And after the morning you had, it was the perfect place to go, so you hopped in your car and started towards it.

At the top of the hill, you put the car in park, grabbed your lunch bag and started towards your spot. It was past the picnic tables that had a nice view of the suburbs, but it wasn't secluded. Your spot was off the beaten path, but there was a small ledge with a perfect view of the arena, highway, and surrounding green spaces. You turn the corner, ducking under a tree branch, ready to exhale the heck of the morning you had.

But there was already someone sitting in your spot. Their head was down, but you recognized the logo and number 18 on their hoodie. Cautiously, you approached him.

“18...Is it okay if I sit here?” You asked, and his head shot up. He shot you a small smile and quick nod. You sat down, placing your bag in front of you, taking out a granola bar.

“You can call me Tim, you know. That is my name,” You gave him a shy smile and you could feel your cheeks heat up at his comment.

“I didn’t think anyone knew about this place, Tim,” You mentioned quietly. It felt weird, to be honest, to be sharing your spot with someone, but it didn’t feel like he was intruding.

“My city in Germany has a lot of parks. There’s a forest near my house where I’d go when I needed a break. This is the closest I could find near the rink. I hope you don’t mind?”

“Just don’t go telling the whole team about our place,” you winked at him and took a bite of your snack.

“I can keep a secret, don’t worry.” He laughed lightly and sent you a smile.

“I don’t know if you remember me but-”

“You’re the analyst, you graduated super early right? Y/n, yeah?”

“Yeah, that’s me,” You smiled at him. “So, how are you liking Ottawa?”

“It’s alright, I haven’t seen very much of it. The ice is very good. My house is nice.” He shrugged and you gaped at him.

“That’s all you’ve seen? So you haven’t been to Parliament Hill or ByWard market or…?” you trailed off when you saw him biting his bottom lip and slowly shaking his head. “Well, you are missing out, you should go see the city sometime.”

“Do you think you could show me around? You seem to know all the best places,” He offered. You met his eyes and nodded. He dug his phone out of his pocket, passing it over to you. You raised your eyebrows at the gesture but he just pushed his phone closer to you. Silently, you imputed your number, placing a small graph emoji beside your contact name. You handed it back to him and a small smirk graced his face when he saw the emoji, before he pursed his lips at the device. You furrowed your eyebrows.

“Sorry, it’s all good. Thank you. It’s- I have to go back now, but I’ll text you, yeah?” You nodded as he handed back your phone. He walked towards the parking lot, but turned around to wave at you before he disappeared around the bend.

Later that day as you sat in the stands, a clipboard and pen in your hands, you got a text from an unknown number.

Hi

It's 18 :)

You chuckled at his use of his number and texted him back.

i thought you said i could call you tim? :(

also it’s practice?? how are you on your phone?

It starts in a couple minutes

your teammates are already on the ice

Spying on me already??

it’s literally my job to watch you practice

Guess I'll see you in the stands then :)

Oh and I'm free this weekend for that showing of the city, team bonding’s on friday

i’ll check my schedule and get back to you

now get out on the ice or you’re going to be late :)

***

You had checked your schedule, and agreed to meet that Saturday. You said you’d pick him up since you knew more of the city. You didn't want to be late so you arrived five minutes early in front of Tim's place. He walked out in his signature backwards snapback, some curls poking out the front, and a monochromatic beige outfit. Waving animatedly at you, he jogged to the car, his ever present smile on his face.

The twenty minutes ride into the city was quiet yet comfortable. A few words were exchanged about how each other’s day was so far but nothing groundbreaking. The low hum of the engine filled the silence as you drove into the city.

After parking in a Superstore (‘Free parking in downtown Ottawa is hard to come by, Tim. We’re parking in the grocery store parking lot’) and walking a few blocks, you come to the far end of the market. Lined with local businesses and brick streets, it felt homey. Tim smiled as it reminded him of back home.

“So, what are we going to see first? Your school?” He asked as the two of you walked along the streets. You laughed and shook your head.

“Pfft no. It isn’t all that interesting. I figured we’d see some of my favourite places, if that’s okay?” He assured you it was and the two of you continued through the streets, Tim with his head down as you passed people. He wasn't famous just yet, but in Canada you find hockey fans at every corner. Soon, you arrived in a small plaza with coloured picnic tables and muskoka chairs.

“Ta-da!” You gestured to the large block letters that spelled ‘Ottawa’ in the middle of the space. “It’s not much, but you’ve got to be a tourist in your own city at least once right?” He laughed along with you and you got out your phone, ready to take a picture of him so he could send it to his parents. You thought he would want a picture of him but he was quick to insist you had to be in the picture as well.

“I’m sorry, but would you mind taking a picture of us?” You asked one of the girls who were taking turns with the Ottawa sign.

“Oh sure!” You stood beside him, between the two ‘T’s in Ottawa, his arm slung over your shoulders. You smiled and looked up at Tim to see him smiling as well- and not one of those classic boy coy half smiles, a genuine one. She took a few landscape and a few portrait ones before handing your phone back. “You two are such a cute couple!”

Before you could correct the girl, Tim answered for you. “We’re just friends actually.” She apologized profusely before rejoining her group. You shuffled your feet as an awkward silence overcame you for the first time since you’d met. Your body shivered and you promptly changed the subject.

“Hey, you hungry?” He shrugged and nodded. You nodded and led him away from the sign, through a few back alleys lined with a few merchants, home artists and such. You entered a building, bustling with people. It was long and narrow, with brick flooring and merchants on either side of the middle. There were lots of people, ranging from people doing their weekly grocery shopping to tourists looking for souvenirs. You weaved between strollers and friend groups, Tim grabbing your hand to avoid getting lost. He kept his head low, hoping it would disguise him enough. This day was about you and him, not you, him and the hockey world. Eventually, the two of you exited the indoor market and came to a small opening. Instead of staying in the opening, you turned left, tugging Tim across the street to two small shacks, one red and one blue. The red one had a classic fairytale vibe to it, with beige wainscotting, red painted window frames, and topped with a white and light brown canopy over the window. Underneath the canopy, there was a string of small Canadian flags.

“Do you trust me?” He arched one of his eyebrows but nodded. “I’ll be right back.” Confused, Tim stood there as you walked up the window, spending no time looking at the menu as you ordered. He looked above the shack to see in fancy lettering the word BeaverTails. When you came back, you were holding two paper containers and had a smile on your face. He looked at the sign and then back to the bags in your hands.

“A beaver’s… tail?” You laughed at him and handed him his BeaverTail.

“It’s not actually a beaver’s tail. It’s just a fried pastry that looks like one. They come in lots of flavours but I got you the best one, cinnamon sugar.” You could tell he was hesitant but bit into his and you took a bite of your own.

Almost instantly, he groaned. “Do you take every guy here? Wow. Oh my god,” He got cinnamon smeared over his chin and you laughed as he tried to wipe it off while holding his pastry.

“Hilarious Tim, but I’ll have you know you’re like my only friend here. So… no I don’t take anyone here.” He scoffed and you raised your eyebrows.

“You’re joking. How do you not have other friends? You’re great,”

“I started university as a 16 year math major. It’s not a surprise people didn’t want to talk to me. But it’s okay. I’m used to it by now.”

“Don’t you have people from home come and visit?”

You scoffed. “I don’t really get along with my mum. We moved around a lot when I was younger and I always sorta resented her for not seeing how it affected me. And then, when I got accepted to school out here, she sold the house and started travelling. Last I talked to her, she was in Tahiti.” He raised his eyebrows.

“What about your dad? Or brothers or sisters?” You swallowed your piece of BeaverTail before answering him.

“I have an older sister, Dani. But she’s eight years older than me, so we're not the closest. She checks in every week or so because she knows my mum doesn't. She’s never come out to visit though, she runs her own business back in Seattle.”

“It must be nice to have someone though. Especially when you were growing up. What about your dad?”

“I don’t- I don’t talk about my dad.” You picked at the pastry before changing the topic. “C’mon, you have to see this place.” You gestured to a side street and the two of you made your way towards your favourite destination. You exited beside a taller building and you pressed the button to allow the two of you to cross the street. As you were waiting for the light to turn, you turned to Tim.

“So, I’m guessing you don’t have any siblings then?”

“No, but the guys at the rink were like my brothers so it wasn’t bad.” The light turned red, and the ‘walk’ light turned on. You made your way across, staying close to each other as people walked both ways.

“Hockey tends to do that,”

“Is that why you picked to work in hockey?”

You glared at him as you made it across the street. “That’s personal.”

“We’re friends, aren’t we? Friends share personal stuff.”

“That’s… it’s just different.” You shook your head and lowered the volume of your voice. “Besides, we’re here.” The two of you had stopped in front of some shallow steps that led to a tall archway, with black statues underneath and on top of the arch. It had some engravings on it, both small and large letters. From where they were standing, Tim could make out some numbers, but not well enough to understand the significance. Behind the monument and slightly to the right was the green tipped roof and gothic architecture of the Parliament building.

“What is this place?” He tilted his head as he looked at the arch in the middle of the square. To him, it wasn’t anything special, perhaps another statue of one of the colonizers of the country.

“It’s Canada’s war memorial.” You whispered, and he nodded, clasping his hands in front of his body and lowering his head. “When I was going to school, I’d come here at least once a week.”

His head stayed where it was but he raised his eyes to meet yours. “Why?”

“I know it’s not exactly everyone’s favourite place...because I know so many people died for the country, but for me, it’s a place of silence. Of reflection. It reminds me to be grateful for everything I have. Some days school would be really bad, so this place was perfect to sit and remember that life isn’t bad at all. Not when I was in a safe country, not when I had an education, not when I had a warm house to go back to.”

He nodded. “That seems...perfect. Some days are too loud, there’s too many people saying stuff. I get that.” His voice was quiet as well, as he lifted his head to focus on the stonework and engravings. The two of you stood in silence in front of the memorial for a few minutes more before you tugged on his arm.

“See that building?” You leaned in close to him, your finger extending to point at a building in the distance, a little taller than the ones around it. “That’s the university’s mathematics and physics department. I had most of my classes in that building.” He nodded, leaning in closer to you, your heads almost touching. You lowered your hand and nodded with your head towards the way you came.

“C’mon, we’re not done yet. You’ve got to see the Parliament building.” He shoved his hands in his pockets and headed left towards it. You quickly grabbed his hand and pulled him right. “I’m the tour guide, remember? Trust me, there’s a better view.” You dropped his hand as he started to walk in time with you but you had to shove it in your pocket to replace the heat his hands gave you.

A quick ten minutes walk later and you stood atop a hill overlooking the river. It was a large park with benches and an eccentric art installation in the corner. You walked close to the peak of the hill and stopped, breathing in the fresh air.

“There is Canada’s capital building. It’s nicer to see it from here than from the front where there’s a bunch of tourists. Besides, from here, you get to see more of the architecture.” The building was across the river, its massiveness more pronounced from your viewpoint. There was a dome nearest the river that was covered in flying buttresses, each support beam having intricate details that stood out. The clock tower and green tinted roof completed the gothic look.

“This view is better. Quieter. It reminds me more of home,” You bump your shoulder against his lightly.

“Glad you like it.” The two of you stood in silence until Tim shivered, at which case you decided you should start heading back. If the hockey player was cold, it was cold enough for you too.

The walk and drive back was uneventful, aside from the two of you passing jokes back and forth. When it came to drop him off, he unbuckled his seatbelt but didn’t make an effort to leave the vehicle.

“How much for our snack? I’ll pay you back,”

You waved him off. “It was my treat, don’t worry about it.” He pursed his lips, then shook it. He pulled out his phone from his pocket. A few seconds later, your phone dinged. You glared at him as you opened the text to see an e-transfer. Before you could protest, he cut you off.

“You never said I couldn’t pay for your gas," He laughed, and despite your annoyance at the loophole, you found yourself laughing along with him. He had that effect on you; he seemed to be able to ease any tension you held. “I had a good time today. Maybe we could meet again sometime?”

“I’d like that. I’ll see you at the rink?” He nodded before getting out of your car, waving like he did that morning as you drove off to your place. When you arrived home, you saw a new text from him.

Can you send those pictures you took today?

You tried to suppress a smile, sending them over to which he responded with a ‘Thank youuuu’. You set your phone on your nightstand and turned off the light. Despite your efforts, you fell asleep with a smile on your face from a perfect day with a great person.

***

“Hey, Numbers!” You stopped in your tracks and turned around to see Brady sticking his head out of the dressing room. He had taken a liking to calling you that, especially as you had started hanging around the house more. It was nice, movie nights and sometimes you’d take a pre-game nap with Tim, you had even stayed for lunch at Tim’s request. At this point, it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary for Brady to shout the nickname from anywhere. Practice had ended and you had given your notes to the coach about what to focus on for the Toronto game. “You didn’t happen to see Jimmy, did you?” When you shook your head, his face scrunched into a small frown.

“Where’d he go? Didn’t media like just end?”

He shrugged. “He didn’t even bother to change from media, he just stalked out. He didn’t say anything to any of the guys, so I thought you might’ve seen him.”

“I’ll keep a lookout for him,” You told Brady before he returned to finish dressing and you returned to your office. But even after you’d settled back into your work, there was a feeling in your stomach you couldn’t quite place. Sending a quick text off to Tim, asking where he was, you dove back into work. But it only took five minutes before you were checking your phone, seeing if he’d read the text or responded. When neither happened, you gave him a call. It sent you straight to voicemail and you hung up before you could leave a message. The feeling in your stomach grew and you packed up your bag, knowing no more work would get done tonight. It wasn’t like Tim to sulk or get in his head; he was a generally happy guy. Something must have set him off for him to be acting this way -- even with you. And if it was something this big, there was only one spot he would’ve gone.

“Brady said you stalked out of media. Figured I’d find you here.” He turned around at the sound of your voice, his shoulders dropping a little. He shrugged, which you took as your cue to take a seat beside him at your lookout space. The sun was setting, the golden hour light reflecting on his stress lines, and the sky was littered with wispy clouds.

Your hands were in the pockets of your hoodie, your legs tucked together. Despite being here for close to six years, the Canadian chill always surprised you. You sat with your shoulder pressed to his, a silent symbol of you being there for him. With his head down, he mumbled something too quiet for you to hear, so you leaned your head down to hear him better. At your movement, he huffed and lifted his head.

“I’m supposed… They wanted me to come and make a difference and to help win games. But I’m not helping! I’m supposed to be putting up points and helping win games, but we’re still losing! Like, why do I suck?”

Your chest got tight at his words. “Tim…”

“You can’t deny it, the numbers say we’re losing.”

“Losing doesn’t mean you aren’t producing. This is your first year in the NHL, you wouldn’t be here if they didn’t think you were worth it. Hockey is a team sport, it isn’t just your job to win the game.”

“But they wouldn’t have gotten me right out of the World Juniors if they didn’t need me to start making an impact right away! They were counting on me. And I’m not living up to it….”

“You are nineteen years old. Nineteen. The five other rookies ahead of you in points are all at least two years older than you. Let that sink in. You have so many years ahead of you. And secondly, no one here is expecting you to turn this team around. McDavid’s first year he didn’t turn the team around. And sure, yeah, the next year, the Oilers had more success but guess what? They missed the playoffs the next three years. Hockey is a team sport, one person, not even McDavid, can completely turn a team around. No one is expecting you to turn this team around in one season. This isn’t on you.”

“But the numbers…”

“Are you going to trust the analyst on the numbers or the assholes on Twitter?” He glared at you but let you continue on. “If you really want to talk numbers, we aren’t last in the league anymore. We’ve beat the top team in the division a couple times now. You’re putting up points, you’re helping us win. Cut yourself some slack. You’re nineteen and living in a new country. This team isn’t expecting you to be Ottawa’s saviour, okay?”

“There’s pressure to be better though! Everywhere I go, I just see how I should be doing more, how if I don’t produce more, I’m going to be a draft bust. I’m the young guy, I’m supposed to be the new blood and be able to make a difference. I feel like I’m letting everyone down.” His words lingered in the sunset glow, a contrast to the darkness he was feeling. You fell silent at his outburst, the air feeling too quiet, even with his heavy breathing. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to take it out on you.”

You ignored his apology, knowing he would never intentionally hurt you. “I graduated with a 3.8 GPA. I didn’t have enough job experience but my grades were one of the only reasons I was able to get hired so young. My first year, all I did was double check other people’s stats and predictions, and it was okay. No one expected much out of me because I was young and they didn’t really give me any responsibilities. But this year… they’re looking to me more. Teams with more than two analysts are more likely to produce teams that make the playoffs. I’m number three; I should be helping make a better team. But I’m not. I’m not getting the numbers we need or the stats we need. I know more updated methods and technologies but...it’s just not working. I’m not finding solutions to problems that this team has had for years. And the board and my colleagues see that. I know I shouldn’t worry about them firing me, but I still do. I mean, I’m not producing, why would they keep me around? This wasn’t what they wanted when they gave me the job.”

“They won’t fire you, you’re doing your best. And you’re young, you graduated early. They have to give you a chance to prove yourself in the workplace before they fire you.”

“You wanna take your own advice?” He flushed at your words, but you smiled. “Thanks, though.” He nodded and looked out over the suburbs surrounding the arena.

“The pressure in this league sucks.” He said and you leaned your head on his shoulder.

“Yeah. It does. But we’ll get through it right?”

“We’ll figure something out. Together.” He placed his hand on your thigh and the two of you looked out at the sunset, his touch lingering on your body until the sun disappeared behind the horizon. Silently, he helped you to your feet, and walked you to your car, making sure you got in okay, before he got into his car. On the drive home, your chest felt lighter from the conversation.

***

The final buzzer rang, signalling a 4-2 win for the Senators. You smiled at the scoreboard and gathered your papers. The game was nothing spectacular, but for you, it was a career defining game. Some of the lines you'd suggested were risky, but you had the numbers to back it up, and it worked. It worked. The conversation with Tim earlier last week helped with your confidence to take risks in terms of your analytic advice.

You went back to your office after the game, wanting to type up a report of how you impacted tonight's outcome. If it worked this time, who's to say it couldn't work again? But in a higher stakes game? You felt like you were finally contributing to the team, and damn, it felt good.

Your office was barely even that. It was small, but you had a desk, a window, and your name on the door. It was enough for your first major gig. You'd made it a little homey-er with a small succulent and some motivational quotes. You opened up your laptop and began to type up a document report. The words flowed from your fingers and you used the numbers you counted from the box to back up your findings. Time seemed to stand still as you typed, the document becoming longer and longer.

A knock broke your train of thought and you looked up to see Tim poking his head through your office door. He had a shy smile on your face and you shook the writing haze out of your eyes.

"Hey! Come on in," He nodded, closing the door behind him before leaning against the wall. "You played a good game." His cheeks flushed and he lifted his hat, running his fingers through his hair.

"Thanks, thank you. Anyway, did you eat yet?"

"I mean, I had an iced coffee before the game and a granola bar during the second period. So yeah?" Immediately he started shaking his head and he pushed himself away from the wall. You open your hands as if to say 'what’?" and he outstretched his hand to you.

"Coffee and a granola bar isn't a meal. Let's go get some real food, I'm hungry." He made a grabby hand with his outstretched hand and you sighed.

"I have to finish my report, I can't." He sighed, pushed your laptop shut, and grabbed your hand.

"That can wait. Besides, the boys went out and I need a ride home." He flashed you a shy smile and you rolled your eyes, before picking up your bag and leaving your office with him. You tried not to notice how Tim was still holding onto your hand, but as he tugged you along to a quiet area of the concourse, it was difficult to do. He stopped at a small table with two bar stools. He let go of your hand, cold enveloping you, and you hung your bag on the back of the chair. As you hopped onto the chair, he stayed standing, tapping his fingers on the tabletop.

“What do you want to eat?" When you shook your head again, he pulled out his puppy dog eyes. "Tim, seriously, I'm fine."

"I'm getting some fries and you will eat some of them. Deal?" Your face pulled into a frown and he repeated himself. "Deal?"

"Yes, Mom, deal."

He gave himself a self assured smile. "Great. I'll be right back."

A few minutes later he came back with a container of fries and two small containers. He set them down in front of you before he got seated. A closer look at the container showed one was ketchup and the other was…

"Is this mayo?" He picked up a fry, dipped it in the white substance, and popped it into his mouth. With his mouth full, he nodded. "You eat your fries with mayonnaise?"

"You don't?"

"No!" You shook your head. He took another fry, dipped it again, and ate it.

"You have to try it, it's good!"

“No, no thank you. You can keep your weird German eating habits to yourself." You laughed, dipping a fry in ketchup before eating it.

"Nope, you've got to try one. Please?" You scrunched up your nose, and he held out a white coated french fry. You gave in, taking it from his hands and shoving it in your mouth. You chewed it slowly, contemplating the taste.

"It's...not horrible." He raised his eyebrows at you. "Fine, it's alright." He gave you another look, a small smile forming on his face despite his efforts to hide it. "Okay, okay, I like it. Happy?" He let out a loud laugh.

"Yes! I knew you'd like it!" You laughed a little with him, before dipping another fry in the mayo and popped it in your mouth. The two of you ate in silence, the sounds of the zamboni in the background.

"Why didn't you go out with the guys? You had a good game,"

He shrugged. "I wanted something quieter. Besides, I was hungry and the guys wanted to go out to a bar. Bar food isn't exactly a meal."

"Neither is french fries,"

"Well, maybe, you're just better company than the guys."

"Damn right, I am." You smiled, tapped his fry with yours in a makeshift sort of 'cheers' way. When the two of you had finished your snack, you picked up the container and threw it in the compost bin near the table. You grabbed your bag off the chair, holding up your car keys. He got up off the table, joining you in a slow walk towards the parking lot.

You wished the custodians a good night as the two of you left the arena, the street lights in the parking lot illuminating the way to your car. Silently, you unlocked the car and you both got in. You gave him your phone, telling him to pick any playlist he wanted while you started the car. He picked one of your favourite playlists, a mix of relaxing beats and soft music, which was perfect for late night drives.

"You should have some lo-fi on here, it's a lot like this. I think you'd like it," he said, after you had merged onto the highway.

"Yeah?" He only nodded, allowing a comfortable silence to come back to the car. The rest of the drive was easy, the road being mostly empty and the music filling the car. He gave you quiet directions to the house, more points and here's than actual directions but you were able to find it.

"Thank you for the ride," He said, once you’d put the car in park.

"Thanks for sharing your food with me,” He shook his head and smiled at you, the corners of his eyes crinkling.

“I’ll always share with you.” You caught his gaze, his brown eyes filled with sincerity. You could feel your cheeks flush and you waved him out of your car.

“I gotta get home too, you know.” You joked and he got out, popping his head back into the doorway for a second.

“Text me when you get home, yeah?” You murmured an ‘of course’ and he nodded, closing the car door and making his way to his front door. You waited until he entered the house before you drove away, turning on a lo-fi playlist from Spotify.

***

“Your turn to pick the movie, but no subtitles please, I’m too lazy to read today.” You handed Tim the remote for his TV while you pulled the blanket closer to your chin. The October chill had settled in his apartment and you hadn’t dressed for his room to feel like the arena.

“Jimmy!” Someone called from the kitchen and a loud clang dissolved any annoyance Tim had from his roommate interrupting his time with you. He rushed to the kitchen and you followed behind shyly. There were platters across the kitchen island, each with a different coloured dish. It looked like there was a salad, a couple casserole dishes, and some plates of desserts. A taller brunette was standing in the kitchen, frantically gesturing between Tim and a pot on the stove. There was a lid on the ground, a splatter of pinkish red liquid surrounding it. You entered the kitchen, picked up the lid before placing it in the sink. The other guy was still explaining to Tim what exactly he wanted to do, even though his head was tilted like a confused puppy. You brushing him aside llightly, grabbing the spoon Tim was holding to stir the pinkish red liquid on the stove. You sent him a small smile back over your shoulder and all you could see in his eyes was relief.

“Thank you!” The oven beeped and you noticed an embroidered #9 on the roommate's Senator sweats. You moved to the side to allow him to get another baking dish from the oven. He placed it on the stovetop and took off his oven mitts. “Thank you for doing that. I didn’t think he’d be that helpless in the kitchen.”

“I’m surprised anyone in this house can actually cook,” You laughed. The liquid that smelled of oranges and cranberries started to boil, so you reduced the heat and continued to stir it. You look at the baking dish that he brought out of the oven. “Are those brussel sprouts?”

“Yeah! My mom’s recipe; they’re delicious! Do you like them?”

“They’re one of my favourites! My recipe uses bacon though.”

“Oh nice! You’ll have to share it with me, I’d love to try it. And, sorry, I didn’t introduce myself. I’m Josh,”

“I know.” He shot you a look and you backtracked. “I-Sorry, it’s just-I actually work with you? I’m in the analytics department, so I know your jersey number and I saw it on your sweats and put two and two together. I’m not being a creep, I’m sorry.” The sound of laughter behind you made you blush.

“Not being a creep my ass. They did the same thing when me and Jimmy ran into them for the first time!” Brady commented, walking into the kitchen. He was wearing a nice pair of dress pants and a button up shirt. You shook your head before nodding towards his attire.

“Going somewhere nice?” He looked down at his outfit and shook his head.

“It’s Thanksgiving? It’s why they gave us the day off?” That...that would explain the amount of food in the kitchen. No matter how many years you lived here, you’d always forgotten that Canadian Thanksgiving was a whole month earlier. You placed the stir spoon on a plate next to the pot and wiped your hands on your pants.

“Oh! Um, right, well, uh in that case, I should be, I should get going. You guys must have plans. Nice to meet you Josh.” You made your way out of the kitchen to the foyer where your coat and shoes were without so much as a goodbye to the guys. You could hear Tim coming after you, his steps lighter and more graceful than Brady or Josh’s. But, he didn’t make a move to do anything except stare at you as you got ready to leave. It wasn’t until you were getting ready to put on your shoes that he spoke.

“You should just stay. We’ve got lots of food.”

“Oh, I don’t want to intrude…”

“Brady’s bringing his girlfriend and a couple other of the guys are coming over. You wouldn’t be intruding.”

“I really shouldn’t…”

“You should. Why won’t you stay?”

“I don’t know if you have this holiday in Germany, but Thanksgiving is a family thing, Tim.” You sighed. “Besides, shouldn’t I have brought something? Am I even dressed okay?” You looked down at your outfit - a simple pair of jeans and one of your comfiest graphic tees. He shrugged.

“Don’t worry about that. You look great, just enjoy the night with me. Stay? Please? C’mon schatz, you’re like my family to me.” The two of you maintained eye contact until you broke it and took off your coat. You could see Tim’s smile widen and when it came to walking back into the kitchen, he extended his arm. You took it and the two of you made your way back towards what would end up being a wonderful evening full of laughs and smiles shared between friends.

***

You had come over for a trashy reality TV binge after a particularly hard day at work. None of the numbers were adding up the way you needed them to and your laptop was having a hissy-fit all day. Soon enough, you called it a day and texted Tim, telling him you’d be over in twenty minutes. He greeted you at the door with your favourite chocolate treat, a box of Timbits, and “there’s popcorn in the microwave right now, it’s almost done”. You could’ve melted right on the spot. Instead, you made your way over to the couch where you collapsed and pulled the blanket he had already set out for you up to your chin. You breathed in the smells of pine and sock tape and felt your body relax. HGTV played in the background while you waited for him to bring the popcorn out when his phone dinged.

“Tim, your phone!” You yelled to him from across the living room.

“Who is it?” You sighed and moved from your comfortable spot on the couch to check his messages. You turned on the phone to see a message from Josh, saying he’s five minutes away. You went to lock the phone, seeing the unimportance of the message but something caught your eye. You swiped to clear the notification and his background came into focus. It was the two of you standing in front of the Ottawa sign at ByWard market, his arm around your shoulders and a grin on both your faces.

“Who was it?” He entered the room as he repeated his question.

“Just Josh,” you whispered, turning around to face him holding up his phone. “Am I your lock screen?” He blushes, opening his mouth stammering for words. “I am! I knew I was important to you.” You poked him a couple times for an extra tease when his face settled into a small pout and he retaliated by tickling you. You shrieked and hopped up from the couch, laughing as he chased you around the house.

“Stop doing that!” He laughed as you escaped his clutches once more. Your laugh echoed through the house as he tried again to try to tickle you, but you grabbed Josh and used him as a human shield.

“No fair schatz,” He relented his tickling and sat on the couch. You took a seat beside him, but kept your distance in case he decided to start his torture again.

“You know, you’ve never told me what that means,” You look over to him and he’s already scratching the back of his neck.

“What what means?”

“That thing you keep calling me. Like shats?”

Josh laughed and spoke up. “It means swe-”

“Friend! It means friend!” Tim interrupted loudly, his cheeks rosy. “It means friend.” You raised your eyebrows at his outburst and his explanation.

“You call your friends, ‘friend’?”

He scratched at his jaw and slowly nodded. “In my city, it’s common for friends to just call each other ‘friend’. It’s normal,” You managed out a ‘okay’ between breathy laughs, wondering why he was being so strange about it. It was just a nickname. But the blush in his cheeks didn’t diminish until well after Josh left the room, muttering under his breath about ‘idiots’, and you couldn’t help but think that maybe it meant more than Tim was letting on.

***

“Are you going to be at the gala on Saturday?” Tim asked you as the two of you ate (lunch for you, pre-practice snack for him) on the concourse. It was your first concourse snack since the All-Star break and you had missed him. WhatsApp messages and Instagram messages just weren’t the same as being in his presence. You finished your bite, and shook your head.

“It’s only for players isn’t it?”

“Would you want to come with me?”

“Like...as a date?” You looked up at him, your eyes wide. Maybe this was the clue you were waiting for.

“As friends?” Your eyes darted down onto the counter and Tim took that as a sign you didn’t want to go with him. “There’ll be puppies there.”

“Well,” you swallowed the lump in your throat, “If there’s going to be puppies, I need no more convincing.” You forced a smile onto your face and he returned the sentiment, before finishing up the food. You wished him good luck before the game, and left to go the the box.

Soon enough, it was Saturday night and you found yourself in front of the Fairmont Château. You gazed up at the stone walls and admired how the orange glow from the lights gave it such a warm feeling, compared to the shivers that were going up and down your back. You had found time to go and get a fancy outfit for the night, its gold fabric being a perfect fit on your body. Tim had told you he’d meet you inside, so walked upt the steps alone, avoiding the other guests in fancy attire. They looked like they belonged here. You couldn't relate. The front entrance of the hotel was exactly as you expected -- it had marble floors, crown moldings, and a domed ceiling. You followed the chatter to one of the conference rooms, someone offering to check your coat. With just your clutch, you entered the ballroom with the sound of your shoes following you.

You looked around to try to find Tim among the executives, easily spotting him when you heard Brady’s booming laugh in the corner. You made your way over to the group, including Brady, Josh, Drake, Tim and some respective dates. Josh waved at you and Tim turned around to see you walking towards him.

Tim stood there, memorized by the way the Senators gold fabric hugged your figure and the way your eyes had lit up when you saw one of the puppies. You came over to him, brushing his arm before joining the group. Hellos were thrown your way and it wasn’t long before everyone went back to their conversations and you were able to speak with Tim.

“You look handsome." You handed him your clutch, which he held unashamedly, as you adjusted his gold bowtie, letting your hands linger on the front of his chest. You gulped before snapping out of your trance and took your clutch back from him.

“Um, uh, thanks. You look...good too,” His voice was breathy and his cheeks had flushed a little. You smiled at him, before noticing another golden retriever stumbling around next to its trainer and darting off to pet it. Tim watched you go and he stood back, blown away by the way his heart was beating faster and how he couldn’t seem to get enough air into his lungs.

“You finally figured it out, huh?” He turned around at Drake’s voice. He had recognized the look on Tim’s face, it was the same one he had when he looked at his partner. Tim furrowed his eyebrows.

“Figured what out?”

Drake scoffed and took a gulp of his drink. “God, you already know and you’re denying it. You’re in love with them.” Tim shook his head, waving off the thought. You were his best friend, nothing more. “C’mon man, you can keep lying to yourself but it’s obvious to everyone else.” He was then swept away by a reporter, leaving Tim to his thoughts.

He wasn’t in love with you. He was sure of it. You were his best friend, his safe spot. It’s not like when he sees you his heart beats faster or he notices how your eyes crinkle when you laugh or when the sun hits your skin just right, you look like an angel. It’s not like the more he looks at your lips the more he wants to know if they taste like your sweet honey lip chap. It’s not like your smile could cure his darkest days or that he could see himself introducing you to his family as his partner.

Except it was like that.

Tim saw all of that with you. He saw more galas, more late night drives, lazy Sunday mornings. He wanted to see you after his games, not in your office, but in the tunnel where you’d be wearing his jersey and a special jean jacket. He wanted to take you home to meet his family, his hometown friends. He wanted to show you all the places that were special to him, just as you showed his places special to you. He wanted to meet Dani and see if she thought he was good enough to be your partner. As he stared at you petting the small golden pup, he realized Drake was right. He was in love with you.

He was in love with his best friend.

Fuck, what was he supposed to do now?

You didn’t give him too much time to think about that as you came up behind him, telling him everything about the golden retriever you just met. He smiled at you, and motioned with his head to find your seats as dinner was going to be served soon. You sat next to him, your leg brushing against his under the table. Even from that, he got shocks-- tiny lightning bolts trailing up his body. It was like every sense was heightened after he came to the realization that he loved you. How am I supposed to even act around them? He thought.

The meal passed without issue and while Tim went about schmoozing all the executives and donors, you stick with the other halves. You had already met Emma, Brady’s partner, and she introduced you to Dakota, Briar, and Marissa (she had also told you who they came with but that information had not stuck with you).

“Sooo… Emma, how’s the wedding planning going?” Briar asked. She had gotten engaged over the holiday break. She laughed and waved off the question.

“Oh, not at all! We’re just enjoying being engaged, it’s like the honeymoon phase all over again,”

“Just like you and Tim,” Dakota nudged you and wiggled her eyebrows. You coughed on your drink at her statement.

“What?” You managed to sputter. Emma looked uncomfortable but didn’t say anything. “What do you mean, like me and Tim?”

“Oh come on, it’s so obvious the two of you are in your honeymoon phase! Don’t be ashamed of it, you’re such a cute couple!”

“Ooh yes!! How his bowtie matched your outfit is like goals, I wish my boyfriend did that with me,” Marissa mentioned. Your voice felt caught in your throat and you were instantly aware of the breeze in the room and the sweat on the back of your neck.

“We’re just friends,” Your voice was small.

“I’ll believe that when pigs fly, babe. Oh, look, here comes your man.” Dakota winked at you before turning into her own date. You turn around quickly to see him walking over to you, laughing with Brady and Josh. Normally, the sight of him would calm you down. He was such a genuine person and you appreciated how you never had to shrink yourself to fit in with him. But with the girls’ comments, you suddenly couldn’t be around him. When his hand met the small of your back, you flinched before relaxing into his touch. It was just Tim, your Tim. It’s not a big deal unless you make it a big deal.

“Timmy, I was just telling Y/n what a cute couple you two are!”

“Well, what do they say? Oh right, they complete me,” He sent you a wink and pulled you closer to his side. You went stiff in his hold, and he noticed, instantly letting you out of his grip. You muttered out an excuse about work and said quick goodbyes to the group before you were out of the gala as fast as your shoes could allow. Your cheeks were hot with...embarrassment? No, that wasn’t quite it. But they were hot, and the room felt small with Dakota’s teasing so just needed to escape. You needed to have fresh air in your lungs, needed to feel the cool Ottawa air on your arms. Needed to be somewhere other than beside him and his light teasing that left your stomach in knots.

But you hadn't even reached the front door and grabbed your coat from the coat check when Tim caught up to you. He watched you try to put on your coat, as he rocked back and forth on his heels like that first day you met.

“Do you… do you actually have work in the morning or were you just saying that?” You looked up and met his eyes, the orbs holding a certain vulnerability you hadn’t seen before.

“I got called at the last minute. I forgot to tell you, Jody’s kid got sick so I’m covering the game on Sunday but I haven’t prepared my notes or anything and you know me, I’ve got to be prepared or I won’t make a coherent analysis and then I’m really in trouble-” Tim cut your rambling off with a murmur of your name and you slowed your frantic movements to look at him.

“We’re okay, right?”

You smiled at him before you walked out the glass door. “Yeah, we’re alright.”

***

Last night was confusing to say the least. You could still feel the heat in your cheeks from...embarrassment? No, it wasn’t that. It was more like you couldn’t stand around to see what he meant by his comment. You couldn’t stand around why everyone else say you as a couple when you knew you weren’t. But you were okay with not being a couple weren’t you?

It’s like not you liked him that way. Yeah, a simple smile from him could turn your day around and your concourse snacks were the highlight of your week. But that’s because he was your best friend. It’s not like you wanted to spend every morning waking up to him or spend your afternoons running your fingers through his hair. It’s not like you wanted to take him back to Seattle to meet Dani or how you wanted to wear his jersey to call him yours. It’s not like you daydreamed about him gently holding your hand as you walked through ByWard market or how soft his lips would be as he leaned in to kiss you or what his abs felt like without a shirt separating your fingers from his skin.

Except it was like that.

And then came the comment at the gala. Did that mean he liked you too? But he said you were just going as friends. Did he mean it platonically? What if you read things wrong? Fuck, why were feelings so complicated?

Dani, you needed to call Dani. She’d know what to make of all this. She picked up on the fourth ring. “Thanks for calling Books By The Ocean, may you please hold?”

“Dani, it’s me.” Hold music filled your ear and you rolled your eyes. A few minutes later, there was almost certainly a hole in your rug from your pacing and she finally picked up.

“Why’d you resort to calling the store? I would’ve answered my phone eventually,”

“Yeah, eventually. I just really need to talk to you now,”

“Okay, so what’s up?”

“There’s this guy…”

“Is it Tim? Please tell me it’s Tim.” When you didn’t answer, she rejoined before reeling it in and telling you to continue.

“Anyways...we’re pretty good friends, I've known him since like the start of the season, and I don’t know, like I think he likes me? And I mean, I like him, he’s really great but, like, I just-”

“Can you get to the point please?”

“I want to take the next step with him. I want to be more than friends with him. I want all those things but… I just seem frozen. Like when I think about telling him, my body feels like it won’t move. It feels like I’m underwater. But I want to do more with him. I want that. Why won’t my brain get that and let me… I don’t know, let me act on my feelings?”

“You’re protecting yourself. You’ve never got hurt before,” You scoffed at her statement.

“What do you mean, of course I have,”

“Okay, sure, when you scraped your knee or when Nancy Peters called you dumb in second grade but you haven’t got hurt before. You haven’t opened yourself up to someone and let someone into your heart and let them see you for who you are.”

“Well, yeah, okay, but that’s because they might not like what they see,”

She sighed. “You can’t go through life with your walls up, kiddo. It’s hard, but you have to trust yourself. You have to let yourself feel. You have to let people in. When we were little and moved around a lot, maybe it was a survival tactic. But you’ve been in Ottawa for close to five years now and have unpacked all your boxes? Have you had any friends over? You’ve put down roots there but you’re still holding onto a survival tactic when you need to be living, not just surviving.

“I let people in--”

“No. You don’t. Has Tim ever been in your apartment? Has he seen that even though you resent Mom, you still have family photos of the four of us in your living room? Does he know about Dad? You might have told him stuff but you’re still living behind walls.” She sighed.

“Look, I don’t mean to be hard on you, but I want to see you thrive kiddo. I want you to experience life, and yeah, hurt is a part of life. You aren’t doing life right if you come out unscathed. And sure, maybe he’s a great friend. But in some instances, that romantic partner can fill a more emotionally secure place. People usually place more trust in their partner than just a friend. You’ve got to open up to him more than you already have if you want more from him.”

“How do I do that?”

“You’ve got to figure that out on your own kiddo, but it probably wouldn’t hurt to talk to him. Honestly; no hiding behind your friendship.” You nodded to her advice, before realizing she couldn’t see you, and thanked her for her help. She hung up with the promise to chat again on Wednesday like you normally did. You threw your phone beside the sink and leaned your head against the cool counter.

Be honest with him

Okay, you could do that. Easy enough right? You just had to make a plan to tell him. You could do that.

***

You were walking through the halls close to the bench to deliver your latest stats to the coach. It was your job after the other analysts determined you “had the youngest feet” and could go scouring around to find the coach. You didn’t mind. Besides… if you just happened to bump into Tim while you were down here, well then that was a completely unplanned coincidence. Since the gala and your chat with Dani afterwards, you were feeling good about where you stood with Tim. And you’d made your plan. After the game, you’d meet up for after-game snacks like most home games and you had told yourself you’d talk to him then.

You had given the latest report to the coach on the bench, walking past the locker room towards the box when you heard Tim's voice.

“...I don’t know man, I just need a break from Y/n.” You stopped in your tracks. It wasn’t that you meant to be nosy, but at the mention of your name… you wanted to see what else he had to say. You hadn’t meant to smother him but you guess he saw it differently. Your shoulders dropped and you bit your lip.

“I only have a problem around them!” You could feel the breakfast in your stomach start to turn, the feeling of bile starting to rise up. A ringing started to fill your ears, the white static noise only being pieced by his once comforting voice.

“It’s just… We work together, you know? It’s awkward,” Where was this attitude when you were hanging out at the start of the season? Last week? If this is how he felt, why didn’t… what did he mean by his comment to Dakota?

His voice shook you out of your trance. “Like at the end of the day, I’m me… they pay me a lot to play my game and they’re...them.” At that, you rushed away from earshot. If that was how he really felt, then screw him. If he was the hockey star and you were just the analyst, then that’s what role you’d play. Nothing more, nothing less. And he wasn’t brave enough to say that to your face, you’d say it first.

This is why you didn’t open yourself up. If you were going to get hurt either way, it might as well be the least damaging option.

Over the next few games and practices, you kept your distance from the players. You avoided the bench, sending Jody to give reports to the coach. You kept your office door closed, the blinds closed, and you made sure to time your exits of the arena to avoid Tim. If avoiding him meant you avoided the inevitable conversation where he would tell you your flaws and point out every way you misread things, then you would do that.

After you heard that, you stopped going out of your way to pass by the boys in the arena. You went into your office, closed the door, and didn’t leave until you went home. When you had to sit in the stands for practices, you sat higher than you used to and ignored the waves and stared you got from the team. He sent the occasional text but you replied with an im busy too many times that he stopped trying. It was odd to you how he kept reaching out when he was the one who said he needed a break but you ignored that voice in your head.

It was a Friday when he finally confronted you. You had been so close to leaving the arena, just one more hallway, and you would’ve been out the door and into the parking lot. He had called your name and you tried to turn the corner without him but he caught up easily, grabbing your wrist to get you to stay.

“What’s up? It feels like I haven’t seen you in forever,” He let go of your wrist as you turned to face him.

“Well that’s what happens when you’re a bigshot NHL player and I’m a lowly analyst.” He squinted his eyes and furrowed his eyebrows at your statement.

“What?”

“Look, I don’t-- I don’t think we should be friends anymore,”

He slowly nodded, thinking your words over in his head. “Okay. Um...I think… yeah, that could be good. I don’t think we should be just friends either.” He shot you a shy smile with a spark of hope in his eyes but you frowned.

“Good. It’s settled then.” You turned on your heel and walked away from him, only wiping your teary eye once you had rounded the corner, refusing to let him see you cry. You missed the way he frowned as you retreated.

The weekend was spent in bed, repeat episodes of Loki playing in the background. Loki never hurt you the way Tim had, the way his words dug into your insecurities of being alone creating a wound like no other. You had turned your phone off earlier as it kept buzzing with messages from him. You didn’t want to hear his excuses of why and you didn’t want to explain that you’d overheard his conversation. But the season wasn’t over yet so you gave yourself two days to grieve. When Monday morning came, it was like nothing had ever happened.

Tim caught you in the main entrance way at the rink. It was close to 8am and you knew he didn’t have practice until 11, so it was obvious he was waiting for you. You walk right past him until he softly calls your name and you stop walking, but don’t turn around. “Why are you ignoring me?”

“You know why.” You whipped around and scoffed at him. “And you know what else? If you had a problem with me, you could’ve just said something. You didn’t have to keep hanging out with me.”

“What?”

“I think we should just keep this professional, 18. I’m nothing more than a background analyst to your hockey superstar, so let’s just stick to our jobs, yeah?”

“What are you talking about?”

“We work together, we shouldn’t be friends, you said it yourself. It’ll be better this way. Now, please, just leave me alone.” You brushed by him, bumping your shoulder with his, and you missed the way his jaw fell open at how quickly your relationship seemed to change.

He seemed to leave you alone after that. He didn’t check in and he didn’t send funny memes he found. He didn’t text you to tell you he landed safely on road trips and you didn’t congratulate him on a game well played. You could tell Brady and Josh thought it was weird but didn’t say anything, just gave you pitying looks when you passed by or caught their eye in the halls.

The Senators failed to clinch a playoff spot, thanks to an overtime loss to Winnipeg. The end of the season for you was nice. It meant a shift in your work to more prospects, and thankfully, a more flexible work schedule. You didn’t have to go into the arena and most of the players went back to their hometowns to visit. It was supposed to be a reprieve for you, knowing Tim wasn’t even in the country. It was supposed to be relaxing, going to all the places that had helped you in the past to regroup your thoughts.

But instead, it felt suffocating, strolling through the market. You’d been here thousands of times to clear your head, but this time the deeper you walked, the more the thoughts in your head swirled into a hurricane.

You’d never know what home felt like. You’d had friends tell you it’s having like extended family over around the holidays or it’s the peacefulness they felt at their lake house. You thought you had found it in Ottawa, its quaintness and history bringing you a sense of calm you hadn’t had before. But only with Tim did you feel that inner peace that home felt like. Only with Tim did you feel like you could take on the world. Only with Tim did you feel whole.

And that was scary.

Feeling like one person could complete you, like they had a piece of your heart you didn’t know you gave them, was scary. You were used to being on your own. You’d done it throughout your levels of schooling and throughout the beginnings of your career. And all it took for that strength to come crashing down was a bashfully confident German hockey player.

He couldn’t even tell you why. It would’ve hurt more to hear the exact reasons why you weren’t good enough for him, but it would have quelled your mind from picking on every single insecurity your mind could come up with.

Before you knew it, you were staring at the Ottawa sign. You glanced around to see couples waiting for their turn at the sign. Some of the guys had their arms around the shoulders’ of their girlfriends. Some of the girls had their hands clasped in their girlfriends’. Some people had their arms around the waist of their partner. But they all had a smile on their face, a fondness that was reserved for the love of their life.

Your eye caught the sight of a backwards Senators cap and your head whipped around. The person was tall and was wearing a grey hoodie. The man turned to the side and you caught a glance of the brown tufts of hair that stuck out of the cap. He threw his head back and the corners of your mouth turned up. Tim’s laugh was always infectious, even if you were upset with him.

But it wasn’t him.

He hadn’t reached out since the day in the hallway. As much as you knew you didn’t want to hear him say things more hurtful than what you overheard, you couldn’t help but wonder where you went wrong. The what-ifs tumbled around in your head, the possibilities of why suddenly your friendship was too much for him.

As you stood there in the market, the memories racing through your mind mixed with images of happy couples all around you, you knew you had to get out. You don’t really remember the rush of leaving, all you know is that the city that felt big for so many years now felt too small. You can’t go anywhere without being reminded of him, his smile, his laugh. How his eyes glimmer from the light of a movie. You drove yourself to the airport, knowing there wasn’t going to be a cab this early in the morning.

Before you knew it, you were standing outside of the familiar blue painted bookstore with your duffle bag in your hands. It was raining and overcast in Seattle, which wasn’t unusual, but even the fat teardrops felt melancholic. The sign in the window said closed, but you knew Dani would be in the back, organizing new stock. You knocked on the window, the sound rattling through the worn building. A few seconds later, her head of light pink hair came to the door, opening it. Before she could question your presence, you spoke.

“He didn’t want me,” you cried. “He didn’t even see all of me and he didn’t want me.” You dropped your bag as she pulled you into a hug. One hand cradled the back of your head as she pulled you out of the rain and into the store. You inhaled her scent, a mix of sea salt and the old bookstore, and squeezed her tightly. When she released you from the hug, she tucked a piece of hair behind your ear, her fingers grazing down your jaw. She gave you a soft smile, before walking to the back of the store, where her apartment was. Your shoes squeaked against the old hardwood floors as you followed her towards the kitchen, where you could smell a pot of tea brewing.

She was silent as she poured you a cup, kissed your head, before whispering everything was going to work out. She slipped out of the room, giving you your space.

You didn’t even have to ask. Dani let you stay with her for the summer, as long as you helped out around the store when you weren’t doing your own work. She didn’t push you for details about Tim, she just let you be. You tried your best to be cheery around the customers but that facade only lasted so long. When you were alone, you didn’t try to hide the emptiness you felt there.

***

Too soon did the days start to get shorter, the nights colder, the pitter-patter of raindrops became more constant which meant fall was coming. The season was starting up again, and you had to head back to Ottawa. This summer at home was a nice break but you knew that running away wasn’t going to solve all your problems. You were packing when a text from Josh came in.

So when are you getting in?

i land at 9pm on the 20th. Why?

Can’t I wonder when my friend gets into the city?

we’re friends?

Of course we are Numbers! I don’t share family recipes with just anyone :)

good to know thanks :)

You continued packing, thinking about what he said. You knew the two of you were friends, but he was Tim’s teammate. His roommate. To hear him say, regardless of where you and Tim stand, that you two were still good was a relief. As much as you’ve enjoyed your time away from the city, you missed work. You missed sitting in the arena, a brisk chill over your shoulder, the sounds of scraping ice and whistles. You missed the quaintness of Ottawa and, as much as he’d never let you forget it, you missed Josh’s cooking. Nights with Dani didn’t compare to nights with Brady (and sometimes Emma) and Josh.

Dani parked in the loading zone of the airport. She got out of the car to help with your bag, even though you had only brought one.

“Hey, listen, um. I know you don’t want to talk about what happened with Tim but… I think you need to talk to him.”

“Dani...”

“No, listen. I think you need some closure. You ran away from a city you haven’t left in five years, a city you so obviously love, because it hurt to think about him. Maybe closure means you talk to him. Maybe it doesn’t. But you’ve spent this whole summer looking lost, like you’re waiting for something to magically appear and make everything better. You look like you’ve lost a piece of yourself and you don’t know how to get it back. And that’s not you, kiddo. It’s never been you; you’ve always been so straightforward and sure of yourself. I want you to feel like yourself again, that’s all.”

“What if…” You swallowed the lump in your throat. “What if the piece of me that I lost isn’t something I can get back?”

“Then you fill it. It might not be perfect and maybe you need lots of tape, and maybe you accept that there will be small cracks in it, but those holes make your souls yours. It’s a part of life, and you can’t avoid it no matter how hard you try.” You pulled her in for a hug, some of the tears in your eyes dropping onto her shoulder.

“Thank you Dani. For everything.” She pulled back to wipe the tears from your face, a smile on her face.

“You know I’m always here for you, kiddo. Take care of yourself, okay?” You nodded, knowing if you spoke again, more tears would bubble over. You walked towards the departures gate, walking towards the reality you ran from.

Several hours later, you were happy to be back in Ottawa. You had missed it, as much as it pained you when you were here. Tim Hortons, bilingual signs, friendly smiles, and oh god you could have real poutine again. Yeah, it was nice to be back.

Dani’s words mulled over in your head throughout the flight, and continued to as you made your way through the airport. She was right, maybe you needed closure. Accept what happened and move on. You’d lost friends when you graduated early, you’d lost friends when you moved away. You’d lost friends before and this was no different.

Except you knew deep down it was different. It was Tim; it was always going to be different with him.

You shook your head, as if to physically rid yourself of the thought. If Tim didn’t want to be around you, then you weren’t going to waste your time waiting for him to show up. You’d suck it up everything you had to look at a stat, but other than that you’d focus on work, focus on proving yourself in the company. You started to walk towards where you’d parked your car (without wondering how much the parking was), ignoring the happy reunions of students and families. You had been perfectly fine being in Ottawa on your own until you realized how much better it could be when you had someone.

A hand grasped your wrist and instantly, you turned around and ripped your arm from the stranger. You looked up, first to see a bouquet of flowers made up of peach roses, white tulips, and hydrangeas. Behind the colours of the flowers, you see a familiar face, eyes full of sorrow and hope. Even when you were ignoring him, he was still so easy to read.

“Number 18.” You struggled to keep your voice even, but you lifted your head to appear as if he had no effect on him.

“Hi Y/n,” He met your eyes, which you quickly darted away. “These are for you.” He tried to hand the bouquet to you, but you shook your head.

“How did you know when I got in?” The coldness in your voice surprised Tim, but he didn’t show it, swallowing slowly before answering you.

“Josh told me." You folded your arms, your hands gripping your bag in case you needed to get away from this conversation.

“Josh mentioned it or you asked Josh?” When he didn’t answer, you knew it was the latter and scoffed at his sneaky actions. You quickly turned away from him and moved faster towards the exit. You heard him sigh from behind you and before you could make a sly comment about it beneath your breath, he was ahead of you, blocking your way. You tried to side-step him, but hockey reflexes prevailed. You glared his way and tried again, silently begging him to move.

“C’mon, you have to talk to me sometime, we work together,” He commented.

“That’s exactly it. We work together. You’re the high and mighty NHL superstar and I’m the nerdy analyst. We have our places. They don’t mix, so really I don’t have to work with you at all. So, please, if you could just move, I have nothing else to say to you.” You tried once more to step around him, but he lightly grabbed your forearm to stop you.

“But I have stuff to say to you.”

“You had months to say it, so I’ll say it again, please let me by.” Suddenly, he was on his knees in the airport, the flowers still outstretched in his hands.

“Y/n,”

“What are you doing?” You hiss to him, your face darting around to see people starting to stare at Tim’s grand gesture.

“I need you to talk to me, and you won’t, so I’ll beg until you agree to hear me out,” You could feel more people staring, the shutter of camera phones, the eyes of everyone in the Ottawa airport (or what felt like it) easily making up your mind. There was a reason you were an analyst, away from the spotlight, doing your work behind the scenes.

“Get up,” you started to pull on his arm, but he just stayed anchored to the ground.

“You’ll talk to me?”

“18, I will do anything as long as you stop making a scene,” At this point, your cheeks felt as if you’d stood under the beating sun for an hour. He got up from his knees, the flowers still outstretched in his hands, and you let go of his arm. You grabbed the flowers from his arms, dropping them in a garbage bin as you stalked out of the airport. Tim caught up to you and walked by your side.

You said nothing as you reached your car, unlocking the doors. You didn’t even wait for him to have his seatbelt on before you were backing out of the stall and driving away. Thoughts were running wild in your head; you were angry and embarrassed at the stunt he pulled at the airport, appalled at the audacity he had to show up after what he said, and last of all you were reluctantly happy to be back in his presence again. So you went to the one place you knew you could think.

You put the car in park overlooking the suburbs. You turned it off and rested your arms on the steering wheel. You couldn’t make the effort to get out and walk to the lookout spot, the car creating a safe bubble for your thoughts.

“Why won’t you talk to me?” His soft voice broke the tense silence in the car and you scoffed.

“We’re not friends anymore. You’re the Senators star player and I’m just the nerdy analyst. There’s no reason for me to need to talk to you.”

“See, you keep saying that but I-I don’t get it! What does that even mean?” You furrow your eyebrows as you turn to face him, his own face scrunched up and his eyes hard.

“What do you mean you don’t get it? You said that! The last game against Montréal? I was walking past the locker room and… I overheard you talking with the guys.” You looked down to your lap, findling with your hands. You briefly saw Tim’s hand start to move towards you, but you shook your head and it stayed in his lap. “You said you needed a break from me. You said that ‘at the end of the day they pay me a lot to play my game and they’re.. them’. You said you had a problem with me. What was I supposed to take from that except that you didn’t want me to be in your life?”

He stammered for words but you cut him off. “No, I don’t think you understand how much it hurt. Hurt to have the one person who I thought understood me to talk behind my back about how I wasn’t enough for them. It hurt to know that the one person who I always wanted to talk to, didn’t want to talk to me. Hurt to think that you’ve only ever seen me as just some nerdy analyst who has no place in your life. I had been fine before, without you in my life, but then you came in and knocked down every barrier I ever had. And then left as if you didn’t just break my life into pieces!

“I left Ottawa because it hurt too much to go to all my favourite places, because I went there with you. I let you into my safe spaces, and when you left, you shattered that security. You tainted all the good I had there. I thought that Ottawa was home before I met you,” you scoffed. “Not even close. You feel like home to me. And for you to say that I was a problem in your life?” You shook your head at him and looked down at your hands. “I tried to get over it, believe me I did. But every single place I went I was reminded of you… and how everything we had didn’t feel like a big deal to you.”

“I never meant for that to happen.” His voice was quiet and strained, as if he was trying to keep his emotions within him.

“You know the hardest part? I didn’t just have to get over losing my best friend. I had to get over someone I fell in love with! I lost the single most important relationship with one tiny little passing conversation. And you acted like nothing happened! Like we were still friends, like you still cared for me-”

“Ich liebe dich du trottel!” His outburst caught you off guard and you gulped. His heavy breathing was the only sound in the car as you whispered.

“You know I don’t speak German…”

“You don’t need to know German to know what I said,” His eyes were hard, a look you had only seen during games.

“Oh.” You shook your head and looked at him. “Wait what?”

“I didn’t say those things you think I did! You didn’t listen to the whole thing! Brady was teasing me about me saying I don’t have a problem talking to people I like and I don’t normally but you’re the exception! I needed a break from you because everytime I see you, my heart starts beating faster and my hands get sweaty and I don’t know how to act! And the guys said that sounds like I’m in love with you-- and I am! I am! But when I finally started to do something about it, you ran away from me! I didn’t know what to do. Besides, if I fell in love with you...it could mess with our jobs. Because if for any reason, something happens, they’d fire you before they’d ever trade me. And you’ve worked too hard to have an opportunity like this be taken away from you because of me. So... I didn’t know what to do. And then you just kept ignoring me and saying those things about how you’re just a nerdy analyst…. It felt like we weren’t on the same page anymore and I didn’t know where it came from or what to do either so I tried to give you space. But then you shut me out. And you said we shouldn’t be friends. So I thought that meant.... you wanted to be more than friends? And the boys were saying that you being mean to me was just you having a hard time having feelings for me but then you… uh, yelled at me so I left you alone. But that doesn’t mean I stopped thinking about you.” He placed one of his hands on top of your tentatively, giving you the option to shoo his hand away. When you didn’t, he rubbed the skin on top of your hand. “It never meant I stopped caring about you.”

He sighed. “I guess I see now that I should not have given you space. I should’ve been better for you because that’s what you deserve.”

“I could’ve been better too, this isn’t all your fault. I said some mean things.”

“I promise you, that when we’re together I’m not a NHL player. I’m just me… just Tim from Germany who likes hockey. You have always seen me for who I am, and that’s...that’s something I love about you.”

Your breath got caught in your throat. Love… was a big word. Love was for confident people. Love was for those who didn’t understand the weight of that four letter word. Love wasn’t a word you threw around. Love was scary. It asked you to place your bandaged heart in someone else’s hands and hope they didn’t drop it, shattering the pieces into smithereens. Love meant letting down those walls that time and time again had proved that needed to stay up. To protect you. To avoid the heartache of broken trust.

And here he was, throwing that word around as if the implications didn’t matter. As if he didn’t leave. As if he didn’t call you a problem. As if he didn’t know the months you spent trying to forget him and the fragments he left behind.

As if he still wasn’t understanding.

“I… I can’t do this.” You go to open the car door only for it to lock. You gasp, and you whip your head around, your eyes sharp. “This is my car, you can’t do that!” His eyes went wide and you tried again, only for it to be locked again. You gritted your teeth and he spoke before you could reprimand him again.

“Don’t shut me out again! You say you can’t do this, okay, but tell me why. We’re supposed to-to talk to each other! We would’ve had no mess if you had just talked to me after you heard what I said! So.. talk to me,” You met his soft eyes, your resolve breaking with just one look. “Please, schatz.”

You slowly pulled your hand off the handle, letting it fall into your lap. You picked at your fingernails while trying to compose your thoughts, Tim’s concerned eyes never leaving you. He murmured your name and you took a deep breath, steadying yourself.

“I’m sorry I just- I don’t know if I can jump back into where we were. I know that… it’s different than I thought but I can’t-” you cut yourself off before you said something you regret and a cold chill ran through you. “It still hurts. I can’t just unhear those things you said. Especially when they came from you. So, I’m going to need time to process everything.”

He placed one of his hands over your fidgeting fingers and you lifted your head to meet his soft eyes. “I’ll give you some space. Just let me know when you know, yeah?” Before you could nod your head, he had opened his door and got out of your vehicle. You quickly got out to question him.

“What are you doing?” He turns around at the sound of your voice.

“I’m… I’m giving you space?”

“How are you planning to get home? Uber?” He shrugged before nodding, with his hands stuffed in his pockets. “Uh, no. No. Get in.” He raised his eyebrows and you sighed. “It’s almost 11pm, we’re in a dark forestry area, and you are the least threatening person I know. I’m not going to let you get stabbed by some murder psycho; you still mean something to me, you know.”

At that he came over to the car, and the two of you got settled back into your seats. After you buckled up and started the engine, Tim broke his silence.

“Did you mean that? That I still mean something to you?”

You swallowed slowly and took a while to answer his question, your hand resting on the gear shift. You put the car in reverse, and looked over at him. “You’re always going to mean something to me. Just what exactly you are changes.” You backed out of the parking lot and started the drive to his place. He was quiet for a few minutes, pondering your answer, but when he spoke his voice had the quiet confidence he always carried around with him.

“Can I ask what I am right now?” Streetlights illuminated his face and out of the corner of your eye you see him slightly turned towards you, his face unsure.

“No. I’ll keep you updated?”

“Good enough.”

The rest of the drive back to his house was quiet, aside from the lo-fi beats you had playing in the background. Despite the tension, the drive felt comfortable. When you parked in front of his house, he cleared his throat.

“Um, thank you for the ride. I’ll see you around I guess,” He unbuckled his seat belt and placed his hand on the handle.

“Goodnight Tim.” Despite your smile, Tim really hoped your goodnight didn’t also mean goodbye. He got out of your car, walked up the steps to his door, unlocked it and gave you a small wave before he went inside.

Tim was true to his word. He gave you space. He didn’t go back to the lookout spot or the war memorial, knowing those were your sanctuaries before they were his. He didn’t ask for updates, he didn’t stop by your office, he didn’t ask Josh how you were doing.

And you appreciated it. The time and space left you alone with your thoughts and you often visited the lookout spot or the war memorial, trying to find some peace, but those spots were now shared with Tim. So, for the first time in a long time, you spent time in your apartment.

When you moved in, you hadn’t done anything to the place. Spaces were temporary in your experience. It was more hassle than it was worth to try to make the space your own if, in a year everything was a clean slate. But Dani was right. It had been close to six years now since you moved in. Six years. You had a stable job, you had friends here, it was time to accept that maybe this was more than temporary.

You started by unpacking the last few boxes that were stacked in the hallway. You replaced the command hooks hanging your picture frames with nails. You got new paint to liven up the living room from the basic beige it was before. You put the work into making your apartment really yours. You had to stop living behind walls and this was a first step.

The next step was to really open up.

***

You were waiting outside the dressing room for Tim to get out. You came down as soon as practice finished so you knew you wouldn’t miss him. You leaned against the cool concrete, trying to control your bouncing leg. He was one of the last out of the dressing room and you shyly smiled at the other players who left. When he came out, you popped off from the wall and stood in front of him.

“Do you still want to know why I picked hockey?” You could tell your question caught him off guard but he nodded nonetheless. “You had asked and I brushed it off...because it hurt to think about. Because it was my dad...He loved hockey. Everywhere we went, there was a team he could cheer for, but he always wished that his hometown team would win, no matter how bad they were. He took me to a game once. I had asked why he liked it so much, it was cold and loud and people were drunk and I’m pretty sure our team was losing. We were down in the crowd and he said to me, ‘Hockey is this great sport. It connects people. It creates families right before your eyes. Enemies can become teammates. This...this sport can be a family for you, anywhere you go. I hope one day you can find something that does the same thing for you.’ Two weeks later, he had a heart attack. So, I held onto the one thing that he found belonging in. I liked my math, it made sense, and I’m good at it. But when it came to doing something with my life, I just- I wanted something to make my dad proud of me, you know? I wanted to feel connected to him.”

Tim was silent but he pulled you into a hug, your head going into the crook of his neck. His arms went around your waist and he held you for a minute. “Your dad would be proud of you. I know he would. Why’d you tell me now though?”

“Well, friends share personal stuff, right?” You pulled away from the hug just enough to catch his eyes. You looked up at him hopefully, and he smiled.

“Yeah, they do.” He broke the hug, but kept an arm slung over your shoulder. “C’mon, friends also eat brussel sprouts for each other.” You laughed at his distaste for them and the two of you walked out the parking lot together, his arm still slung around your shoulders.

***

You looked up at the ceiling, your bedsheets twisted beside you. It had been about two weeks since you told Tim about your dad, and since then, the two of you had been exchanging texts daily. It felt familiar, even though both of you knew it was different. Not a bad different, just… different. You’d been over to his place a couple times and he came over for your place for a ‘welcome back’ dinner.

You were nervous to show him your apartment, but you knew you had grown into the space. It was no longer generic beige walls and command strips. The living room had an accent wall and you put nails in the wall to hang your family photos in the hallway. Tim took his time looking around your space, spending extra time in the hallway. He stopped in front of the picture of your family, all four of you, and smiled.

“My parents are coming into town when we play the Caps in December, if you want to meet them?” He had said when you sat down to eat. You sputtered your drink a little and set down the glass.

“Only if...you meet Dani when we go to Seattle in January?” His face broke into a grin and he nodded.

“I’d love that.” The rest of the dinner had no issues, just two friends catching up and getting familiar with each other again.

But he wanted you to meet his parents. He wanted you to meet the people who raised him, his family. And you didn’t have any hesitations. You wanted to meet the people who made Tim who he is.

This past week solidified that you knew what you wanted. You wanted to meet Tim’s family, you wanted to show him around Seattle, you wanted to be with him. If he still wanted to be with you.

If.

He had been pretty clear where he stood on his feelings, but the voice in the back of your mind taunted you with that one tiny two letter word. He might have seen how you reacted, how unstable you were, and how you weren’t ready to jump into things as a sign you didn’t want this. He could’ve taken your steps to being friends again as being just friends again. He could’ve-

You weren’t going to wait around to let what-if’s and might of’s and could’ve’s waft around in your head. You needed to talk to him, needed to see him. So in your pajama pants and a hoodie, you braved the Canadian night and drive to his house. You parked the car, rather haphazardly, but it could wait. You skipped a step walking up to his door and quickly phoned him.

You paced back and forth on the small porch as the phone rang three times before he picked up.

“Hallo?” His accent was thicker in his native language, the harsh constants sounding so soft from his lips.

“Can you come open the door?”

“What?”

“I’m outside. Can you open the door?”

“What? It’s like...early,”

A sigh escapes you. “Tim. I know. I know now.”

“Well if you looked at a clock before you left your place, you would’ve known earlier. That would’ve-”

“Tim.” You gulped and your voice trembled slightly. “I’m ready. I know what I want.” The tone of your voice dropped its lightheartedness and that alone was enough to shake the sleep from his mind. But your words? More than enough to get him out of bed and racing (as quietly as he could in the dark) towards you.

He opened the front door in his sleep joggers to see you pacing and shaking your arms. You hadn’t noticed him yet, so he took the opportunity to admire you. The way your hair fell, your Senator pajama pants that Brady gave you as a gag gift, the way you bit your lip between your teeth.

“Hey.” His voice broke you out of your trance, your head whipping around to see him standing in the doorframe.

“Hi.” Your voice was quiet, the nerves getting the best of you. You stood there for a while, just looking at each other. His hair was a mess and he was wearing the grey hoodie you knew for a fact was his favourite. “Oh, right, I have to go first. Um...Are- are you still sure about your feelings for me?” He nodded. “And-and they’re for sure, good feelings?”

“… They’re such good feelings.” You nodded and gave your body another shake through, as if to dissipate the nerves racing throughout your veins.

“I know it’s taken me a while to kinda sort everything out but… I like you too. That’s why hearing those things hurt so much. That’s why I had to take some time. I've been alone for most of my life and it was scary to let someone in so easily, unknowingly. You just waltzed in and made yourself at home in my heart and it felt like you belonged so I… I didn’t even realize you could hurt me. And when I heard those things, it hurt more. It just solidified that I should’ve stayed alone. You can’t get hurt if there’s no one to hurt you right? But every talk, every late night drive, everything we had...it was worth all the hurt. So I’m ready. I want to do this with you, even if it hurts. I don’t know if I can do life without you.” He pushed himself off of the doorframe and came to stand in front of you, his hand cupping your cheeks, soothing the skin under your eyes.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you and I don’t plan on doing it ever again, Y/n, you have to know that.” You nodded against his hands and you could feel some of his tension fade from his body. “Does this mean… we could be more than friends?”

“I want to be much more than friends with you, Tim.” You bit your lip to try to stop your smile from growing so wide, but it broke through when you saw how wide his smile was and how his eyes crinkled with joy.

“Does this mean I can kiss you now?” He asked softly, already leaning in. He left space between the two of you so you could decide but you easily leaned into him, your lips meeting. It was gentle but it was loving. You moved in sync, Tim’s hand moving to the back of your head to push you closer to him. Eventually, you pulled away for air.

“Schatz…” He breathed and you laughed lightly.

“You know, I don't think you've told me what that really means,” You said with a cheeky smile.

“Would you like me to say it in English, sweetheart?” He brushed his nose with yours.

“Hmm, German is fine,” You tilted your head upwards, almost brushing your lips with his. With your teasing, he let out a groan, bringing you in for another kiss. This time he broke for air, his eyes still slightly closed.

“You know, you cured my homesickness. I never felt like I missed home because I found home in you,” He whispered. Your heart melted and you brought your lips together with a passion he hadn’t seen from you before. Your hands tangled in his hair and he chased your lips as if it was a breakaway. When you broke for air, the two of you were breathless.

“As much as I want to keep doing that, it’s also very early and I am tired. Can we go back to bed please?” His arms were still around your waist, but he leaned back enough that you could see his face, puppy dog eyes and all. You nodded to his request with a soft smile, and went to remove yourself from his arms and go back to your car, but he tightened his grip.

“I got you now, so I’m not letting you go.” You buried your head in the crook of his neck and slowly the two of you made your way into the warm house. He led you through the dark hallways to his bedroom, giggling and sneaking kisses where you could.

You fell asleep so easily, the quickest you have the entire time you had lived in Ottawa. And it wasn’t only Tim’s warmth, or the way his sheets smell like hockey tape and his peppermint shampoo. You had finally opened yourself up. You had found that belonging your dad always wanted you to. And you found that in Tim; whether he knew it or not, he was home.

let me know what you think! thanks for reading!

join my taglist

taglist: @heatherawoowoo

okay wait, i changed my mind. you should answer all of these questions as well, if that's what you want from me >:)

oof there's a lot of it, that's what i get for wanting to be ✨aesthetic✨

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?

vowels (and the importance of being me) - hunny

honeypie - jawny

pretty young thing - michael jackson

mirrors - justin timberlake

sunflower - red orange county

paradise - rude-a

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

a therapist.

ok someone else.. uhh,, my grand grandma because i only have scratches of memories but i dunno if that counts since she passed away...

*rummages through ancient scripts* uhh ok someone who isn't dead.. uhm,, tommie? yeah I'd like to meet them if i could meet anyone on earth

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

ok, the closest german, english or polish book? nvm i have english

"suddenly was. So I just said thank you a few times too, and Mum" ironically this is one of the normal lines in this book

4: What do you think about most?

the fact that I'll have to do something after school. and I don't know if i want to go to college or get a job bc i have no legitimate idea on what to do with my life. it gets overwhelming, just the lack of knowledge about the actual experience.

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?

Ok

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

with, tho i sleep with just shorts in summer

7: What’s your strangest talent?

not sure if it's a talent, but i can fall asleep anywhere

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)

girls are pretty. boys are pretty

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?

by me, yes. no one else has written a poem about me specifically. nvm, tommie wrote one and it shall rest on my wall, or desk, i need to find a place for it

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?

uhh i think last month?

11: Do you have any strange phobias?

i don't think so, but i am hella afraid of the possibly gigantic, terrifying things in the ocean depths that humans haven't discovered yet

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

yep, beloved legos as a lil child

13: What’s your religion?

i can't ever remember the name, but i believe gods (from all religions) exist in some way or form. so i believe in different pantheons and etc.

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

walking my doggo, skateboarding, thinking about how to make the lives of my characters worse

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

behind it.

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

uhmm the arctic monkeys? or the strokes

17: What was the last lie you told?

i know what i want

18: Do you believe in karma?

yes, the rule of three specifically

19: What does your URL mean?

i don't know. it's something me and my sis came up with and that's just my whole identity now.

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

uhh greatest weakness.. i can't finish things. strength is that I'm very stubborn so maybe I'll finish that thing out of spite

21: Who is your celebrity crush?

i grew up thinking crushes were like unicorns. my ex was odd enough to argue with that i didn't love her if i didn't have a crush on her. but I think if i had to guess.. selena gomez, especially in the role of alex russo in wizard of weverly street

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

nope

23: How do you vent your anger?

i write angry letters. sometimes they're sad letters. i write a lot of letters. except i never send them out and no one made a movie about them :}

24: Do you have a collection of anything?

jars and witchy bottles, books? scented candles

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

phone calls are stressful enough as is, i don't need you to see my reading off what i frantically wrote to not stumble over my words

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

i think so, yes, but that won't stop me from becoming better

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

hate flies buzzing right by my ear, love cat purring

28: What’s your biggest “what if”?

what if I'd been born in a place where it was illegal for me (nonbinary) to live, in a time when others thought of me as a curse?

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

they be chilling.

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

right arm, doggo, left arm, pillow

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

fresh air and doggo, because doggo is with me and I can't live without open windows

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

i dunno tbh

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

which one is less homophobic?

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

every gender is my opposite gender. selena gomez and justin timberlake

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

to make it easier for people down the line

36: Define Art.

make thing, thing goes woo

37: Do you believe in luck?

yis

38: What’s the weather like right now?

it's nice actually, very sunny, slight breeze

39: What time is it?

12.59 am

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

i don't, but i once crashed into a fire department vehicle with my bike. bike ded.

41: What was the last book you read?

Crooked Kingdom by Leigh Bardugo

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

i legit ass don't know what gasoline smells like.

43: Do you have any nicknames?

many variations of my name, aka. Luce

44: What was the last film you saw?

i think it was Robin Hood: King of Thieves, but it might have been that half of spider-man homecoming i managed to watch with my poor internet

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

oh man i dunno... it's not an injury, but i was very sickly as a lil kid and almost died :)

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?

once, years ago

47: Do you have any obsessions right now?

hmmm horizon zero dawn i think

48: What’s your sexual orientation?

proud pansexual ^^

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?

not really, i don't think they're big enough to be actual rumors,, meh

50: Do you believe in magic?

yis

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

meh. they suck, i know they suck, that's it.

52: What is your astrological sign?

cancer ♋

53: Do you save money or spend it?

i attempt saving. attempt

54: What’s the last thing you purchased?

for my own money, sweets. i bought lizards for my cats so they can brush their teeth from my dad's amazon acc

55: Love or lust?

luv

56: In a relationship?

nope, i buy my own cookies

57: How many relationships have you had?

1, kinda toxic toward the end, very stressful, don't recommend

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

nu ><

59: Where were you yesterday?

on the fields walking my doggo

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

yep, a pastel pink hoodie in my closet uwu

61: Are you wearing socks right now?

yis, thicc warm socks

62: What’s your favourite animal?

cats

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

cuddles and food.

64: Where is your best friend?

bold of you to assume i have a best friend.

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.

tommie-hildebrandt, kageyuji, nekomas-kuroo, joyful-soul-collector

66: What is your heritage?

I'm a demon boi from Poland tho that's not a thing to be proud of, i mean, look at the economy. awful.

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

sleeping, trying to sleep.

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

Pinkton. or Satan.

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

this is such an odd combination of words i had to look it up. yea.

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

a friend who won't laugh at me when i ask them to order smth for me because I'm too anxious to.

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

excuse me? i am saving the doggo wtf. f u boss, I'm gonna sell my tragic story to the news.

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

a) i tell my parents. b) live the hell out of them uwu c) nope uwu.

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

trust.

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

history maker - dean fujioka :]

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

3332

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

communication, trust, some more communication.

77: How can I win your heart?

let's not pretend to be something else to please each other, and bring some bitter chocolate.

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

maybe. it could. i don't have a say in it since my sanity is held by tape.

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

eat the pizza. stop caring about others not liking me/parts of me. just living for myself uwu.

80: What size shoes do you wear?

uh i dunno how the american sizes work and i don't wanna look it up so, 39, 40 fits too.

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

demon boi

82: What is your favourite word?

socks.

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

the bloody organ that sits in your chest and pumps blood into your body so you don't die.

84: What is a saying you say a lot?

uhm im not sure if that counts as a saying, but fake it till you make it

85: What’s the last song you listened to?

blinding lights - the weeknd

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?

oh a normal question people use for ice breaking, sea blue and pastel variations of it.

87: What is your current desktop picture?

like my wallpaper? or the actual picture that sits on my desk? or how my desk looks like atm? it's ugly, a lot of papers and pens and schoolbooks.

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

donald trump. or the next asshole who'll try to take the rights of the lgbt and poc away

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

this. this is the question.

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

yo there's a pizza somewhere in the refrigerator, want me to heat it up? we can have a sleep over and talk about our feelings :3

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

telekinesis! or shapeshifting! i could do such fun things with telekinesis ^^ yeah I'd totally eat some radioactive veggies

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

that time my "friends" got me into shoplifting, half-hour is more than enough to punch some sense into my brain and develop good music taste

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

can i save this one? i don't think i have an experience horrible enough to be erased haha

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

sleep as in.. uh no thank u. but I'm down for a sleep over with sam smith ^^

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

just me? what about my pets? my fam? it's lowkey illegal for me to go just anywhere without them owO

uhhmm, greece. imma become part of the greek pantheon out of pure spite. and maybe toronto canada.

96: Do you have any relatives in jail?

not any that i know of o.o

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?

i think i may have but i honestly don't remember

98: Ever been on a plane?

nope, i dunno if i like planes, but I'd probably sleep if i were on one.

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

yeet.

SIPPING JUICE — CHAPTER ONE

warnings: this story includes mature content such as substances, sex, suicide, and more that might not be suitable for people of the ages 16 and under.

( chapter one, 2253 words ! )

I TURNED AROUND AND THERE HE WAS... the boy that was always there for me and me for him. I smiled at him, running into his arms. I held him tightly, like I would never see him again. I sighed, letting free from my grasp

"I missed you so much Jarad-" I started to tear up a bit.

It had been almost three months since I had seen him, because for the first summer ever my dad decided that it was a good idea that I went with him for the summer. My mother agreed with him saying that it was good for me to spend time with my father. I begged her to not make me go, but she denied my request, so instead of using three months of my time being with my friend, they went to waste on my excuse of a father.

"Hey, look at me y/n, it's okay, I'm here." He smiled softly cupping my cheeks. "now don't cry ma' let's get you home, we can make up for lost time later." I nodded softly at what he said. He took my hand into his as we walked down the streets of Chicago that we called home. We walked in a comfortable silence the whole way to his place.

He smiled at me, flashing a pair of bronze keys at me.

I laughed a bit, "Huh, so your mommy finally thought you were grown enough for your own pair?" I teased him, he just rolled his eyes in response.

"Actually y/n, I made the copy myself from the spare so, ha, no my mother didn't give them to me" he remarked.

"Aww he's such a grown up!" I pouted. "I want baby Jarad back, have you seen him? You know the one with the baby face, and short, non dyed dreads?" I crossed my arms in a joking manner.

"Y/n, you act like a child-" he said, opening the door.

"It's because I want yours!" He looked at me seriously, and I said "I'm joking!"

As I walked into the small apartment, I noticed that there was something different, I don't know if it was a vibe or something physical that had changed, it didn't feel right with me.

"Jarad, did you guys change anything in here since I left?" He shook his head as a response. I assumed they just had a friend over or something and shook off the feeling that I had gotten, somewhat like an evil presence had been here.

"You still playing GTA Jarad?" I asked sitting down on his couch. "Uh yeah... I had to choose who the fuck I wanted to kill, Franklin, Michael, or Trevor."

"Please tell me you picked Trevor-" I said whilst picking up a controller for the PlayStation.

"Funny thing is I did" he laughed.

"How'd you kill him?"

"Fire"

"Oof- that shit must have sucked to die in" I laughed.

"Yeah, right. Well I'll be back, I'm going to take a shower" after that he walked upstairs, leaving me alone downstairs.

( a few minutes later ! )

There was a loud knock on the door, just as I had gotten shot in the head,

"Son of a bitch!" I grunted.

I walked towards the door opening it, revealing a short girl with dark hair and pink highlights. I felt that same vibe as I did earlier but I ignored it. A little annoying by her presence I asked

"What are you doing here?"

"What are you doing here?" She replied with my question.

"Um... I'm Jarad's best friend, y/n, who are you?" She looked at me in disgust as those five first words came out of my mouth.

"Oh, I'm Alexia, Alexia Smith, nice to meet you y/n" she smiled fakely, I feeling petty today returned it.

"Is there anything I can get you, Alexia?" I questioned.

"Uh yeah, is Jarad home?" She asked looking down at her shoes.

"Um, no I'm sorry he isn't here right now, I'll let him know that you wanted him, bye, bye" I said shutting the door on her face. I sighed, pressing my back against the door, allowing myself to fall to the ground.

"Who was that?" I heard a voice in front of me asked.

Annoyed that he didn't tell me he had a new girlfriend I said "who is Alexia Smith?"

"Oh, I see, you've met her, Alexia is a friend I met at the park."

"Just a friend?" I cocked an eyebrow.

"Promise Y/n, I'd never lie to you"

"Okay, but I want you to sing for me, and in exchange I'll make you and ma' dinner, deal?"

He scratched his neck and looked down as if he were putting much into my question.

"Okay, Deal" he smiled.

"Oh, and you'll have to sing for me" I giggled. He smiled and tackled me onto the couch, we burst out in laughter.

"Oh god I've missed this" I smiled sadly, he sighed "me too, damn, it's only been three months without each other and it feel like it was an eternity, if we ever get like- supper mad at eachother and shit, and we like won't say sorry because of our pride- I don't know how I would do it, y/n, being without you is- worse than I thought" he chuckled.

"We won't- friends forever, remember? Always and forever" I sat up and kissed him on the cheek.

"Now you have to sing for meee!" I yelled.

"Okay, well so- I haven't told you this but...I've been working on some songs-"

"-And you didn't call me- nuh uh baby, show me them songs" I interrupted him.

"...sorry?" He asked in a way. I gave him a straight face and shook my head.

"Here look, I typed up the lyrics in my phone, but I don't know what to call it! I wanna do Autograph but I also want to do On my line" he pouted handing me the phone.

"Let me see, do you have this recorded Jare?" I asked, reading the lyrics.

He nodded in response, "I love it, and you know what you can call it, Autograph (On my line) it fits," I smiled, "now, the best part... sing it for me, please!"

"Fine" he cleared his throat, getting ready to sing for me.

"I hope I'm the only girl you sing to" I joked.

"You know I wouldn't do that shit with any other girl" he laughed.

"Why you mad,Why you mad, Why you mad, Why you mad?

That's all I wanna know! You're lookin' like a joke, try humour at the most. Steady chokin' on your shade like a dick in your throat,

Well if you're gonna throw shade my way, Maybe you should throw with a little more aim. It's a cold day in hell, when they dirty up your name.

They don't got no business talkin' in the first place i'm freezin'.

All these fuck bitches on my line, Damn bitch you must wanna die tonight

Yeah I rock a choker with a .45 and I know some bitches that are down to ride.

All these hatin bitches on my line, Damn bitch you must wanna fuck tonight!

Let me guess, you're my biggest fan right?"

I was surprised at how much he had improved in the last three months, he was always good but now he would just be top on the charts if he put his music on YouTube and whatnot.

"You wanted an autograph all you had to do was ask, woah

But you lookin like an asshole, Up on twitter and you lookin mad woke, talkin bout me! But you lookin bad woah, Like the ugly daughter that I never had woah, and what's up with these lames, Got my name in they mouth like they swallowin my Children, I never got why bitches hate, its probably Cuz im doin better than em anyway, Its probably cuz i get they bitches wetter anyway, it's Probably cuz im livin and they're in a lower place, They walkin in the slums while im vibin outter space.

Crash land just to take they girl on a dinner. Date, when haters see me winnin they just hyperventilate. They always try to stop me but i never hesitate,

Just follow all your dreams and when you reach them, Celebrate, that's the only way to truly make a hater suffocate.

All these fuck bitches on my line, Damn bitch you must wanna die tonight

Yeah I rock a choker with a .45 and I know some bitches that are down to ride

All these hatin bitches on my line, Damn bitch you must wanna fuck tonight

Let me guess, you're my biggest fan right? You wanted an autograph all you had to do was ask woah

Why you mad that's all I wanna know, Your lookin like a joke try humor at the most

Steady chokin on your shade like a dick in your Throat, well if you're gonna throw shade my way.

Maybe you should throw with a little more aim, It's a cold day in hell when they dirty up your name. They don't got no business talkin in the first Place i'm freezin, but these haters not breathin.

Stevie wonder to these haters no seein, And I don't believe it they hate me hate me for no reason. All these fuck bitches on my line,

Damn bitch you must wanna die tonight

Yeah I rock a choker with a .45 and i know some bitches that are down to ride.

All these hatin bitches on my line, Damn bitch you must wanna fuck tonight

Let me guess, you're my biggest fan right? You wanted an autograph all you had to do was ask woah." He finished, I started clapping.

"You, Jarad Anthony Higgins, are talented. No cap" I hugged him.

"Thank you" he smiled into the hug. "Now what's for dinner" he smirked.

"rice and beans, I'm kidding! My mom has some pasta at her house last time I checked, do you have oil or butter?"

"Yess"

"Okay, and no cheese, see after three months I couldn't forget your hate for cheese" I smiled.

Me and Jarad lived right across the street from each other. I walked out the door crossing the street, and walked in my "home", my mom was never home, she was too busy whoring around her body, when many people had offered her jobs, easy ones too! Even if they paid good money she would say no. The only time I would see her is if she had a guy over! And they wouldn't even be dressed, I basically lived with Jarad ever since my mom was fired for sleeping with her manager at her last job. When she would ground me from going to Jarads I would sneak out late at night through my window, and crawl in his. That was when I was twelve. That's why Jarad's mom is more of a mom to me than my own, she's always cared for me.

I took a deep breath in, smelling the air around me, "home sweet home" I mumbled sarcastically. Per usual it smelled like alcohol, weed, and sex. I rolled my eyes, seeing that she hadn't changed her habits. Walking into the kitchen, I opened the cabinet, finding the pasta just where I left it, I smiled to myself grabbing it and walking out. Shutting the door behind me.

I walked into Jarad's home, placing the pasta on the counter. I started to hum a song.

As I washed my hands Jarad came back into the room, I smiled. "I brought pasta" I sang,

"And you're humming Tupac, again" he sang back. I laughed "I'm always humming older songs" he laughed walking into the kitchen, next to me. He washed his hands and took out his phone playing the song I was humming. I laughed "you really did that didn't you?" I rhetorically asked while 'Picture me rolling' played in the background. He took out the pot and I put in the water, letting the pasta boil on the stove.

"Full grown, finally a man. Just scheming' on ways to put some green inside the palms" we both sang along. He wrapped his arms around my waist moving to the rhythm of the beat. I kissed his cheek, and smiled, "pastas ready" and as if on cue Mrs.Higgins walked through the door- she looked stressed. I smiled softly at her as she looked relieved seeing that dinner was already made.

"Y/n" she sighed "you're back!" She smiled brightly.

"You really thought I was going to leave yall, never"

When we ate dinner we caught up for the most part. Nothing too exciting happened in the last three months, but for some reason I couldn't help but think of that girl that stopped by. Jarad in a way seemed different, like he was hurt. It might have just been me, I've felt weird since I had left for the summer, getting these random feelings in my gut.

For the first time in three I slept in peace, knowing I was home. I was finally okay again.

50 questions you’ve never been asked

I was tagged by the lovely @softboylwt​, thank you darling ✨

1. what is the colour of your hairbrush? edit: so I realized I didn’t read that correctly the first time around, but I don’t usually brush my hair, tho I do have one that’s brown

2. a food you never eat? it’s not really a food but i never eat plain butter, like in cakes and all that, when it’s cooked, alright, but on bread, in sandwiches or anything else it just grosses me out to no avail!! I can’t even touch it!! Also any sea food is a no-go for me, i just can’t!!

3. are you typically too warm or too cold? i think it can depend, but in general i tend to get cold very easily

4. what were you doing 45 minutes ago? i was catching up on niall and liam’s live and feeling very emotional about it

5. what is your favourite candy bar? here we call it kinder tranche au lait, which literally translates to kinder milky slice but idk if that’s what it’s called!! Anyways, it’s the kinder that you have to keep in the fridge with the creamy white thing in the middle, i just love it!!

6. have you ever been to a professional sports event? Nope never, i don’t really care much for any sports tbh afdhkj

7. what is the last thing you said out loud? “good night” to my little sister about five seconds ago

8. what is your favourite ice cream? salted caramel!!!!!! it’s my LIFE

9. what was the last thing you had to drink? water

10. do you like your wallet? I do actually!! I had another pink one that was too big but i received a small dark blue one for my birthday that’s just perfect

11. what was the last thing you ate? something very very VERY good!! it was a polish recipe: tomato soup with some homemade kluski (some sort of pasta i guess you could say) and basil

12. did you buy any new clothes last weekend? nope

13. the last sporting event you watched? as i said before i really don’t care much for any sports so i think the answer is none, if i did watch one well it was so long ago that i forgot afskdly

14. what is your favourite flavour of popcorn? sweet popcorn OR those with some chocolate you can buy, both are equally good

15. who is the last person you sent a text message to? well technically the last message i sent was on here to, but if we mean irl texting then an old friend of mine

16. ever go camping? nope not really, i went a couple times when i was younger with some friends but not anymore

17. do you take vitamins? nooe i don’t, but i should

18. do you go to church every sunday? nope

19. do you have a tan? as of right now, only the beginning of one on my back

20. do you prefer Chinese food or pizza? oof tough one, but im gonna have to go with pizza!! I actually had some today

21. do you drink your soda with a straw? nope not anymore

22. what colour socks do you usually wear? small white ones, sometimes black

23. do you ever drive above the speed limit? wellll since i still haven’t got my driver’s licence i can assure you that i’ve never once driven above the speed limit in my life 😌

24. what terrifies you? loneliness

25. look to your left, what do you see? i can see my bedroom door as well as my cupboard and the front door a bit further

26. what chore do you hate? washing the toilets

27. what do you think of when you hear an Australian accent?  i have no idea tbh ajdsfkds 5sos maybe

28. what’s your favourite soda? i actually don’t really drink any sodas, but if i had to get one i’d say sprite or lemon iced tea

29. do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive-thru? i don’t think we have any drive-through here, or if there are i’ve never been, so i’m gonna say fast food place

30. who’s the last person you talked to? my little sister

31. favourite cut of beef? i have no fucking clue, i only eat beef when i eat burgers so that one i guess jsdkajl

32. last song you listened to? some song off a random sport playlist i listend to when i was working out earlier, it’s called hometown apparently

33. last book you read? if we’re talking last book i read through but haven’t actually finished yet, it’s une bête au paradis (a beast in paradise)

34. favourite day of the week? i don’t really have one tbh, i just know it’s not monday nor sunday

35. can you say the alphabet backwards? yes i can actually ajkdjfld, well i need to say it thorugh once in order (mentally is enough) but yeah i can

36. how do you like your coffee? i absolutely despise coffee, in any form

37. favourite pair of shoes? a pair of shoes that i found in italy a few years ago, but i just can’t describe them asjdhfk they have too many things idk how to say in english

38. at what time do you normally go to bed? i’d say usually it’s around 11pm or midnight, but lately it’s been more like 1 or 2 am

39. at what time do you normally get up? again usually would depend on my classes, but lately it’s between 8 am and 10 am

40. what do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? i literally cannot choose one!! boht can be so magical, but maybe i’ll go with sunset cause i’m almost never up for sunrise ajdfkjl

41. how many blankets are on your bed? only one

42. describe your kitchen plates? i still live wiht my parents so they’re just plain white, but modern-ish 

43. do you have a favourite alcoholic beverage? i don’t really have one, but the only alcohol i can enjoy drinking is vodka so anything with that i guess

44. do you play cards? ugh way too much, or well not anymore, but when i was in high school it was literally all my friends’ favourite thing to do and tbh i just don’t really like them

45. what colour is your car? again i don’t have a driving’s licence adjfhk

46. can you change a tire? there are too many questions concerning driving in this jadshkj, nope or well never tried, who knows maybe i have a secret talent

47. what is your favourite state/province? i haven’t been in the US, or well i went when i was much younger so i don’t remember!! But i’ll pick a country and say tulum, Mexico!! i went there once a few years ago and it was just magical

48. favourite job you’ve ever had? i haven’t had a lot of experience in real jobs i guess, but one of my favourite closest to a job thing was the internship i started right before this whole mess in something called psychopédagogie (i haven’t got a clue what it might be in english im sorry)

49. how did you get your biggest scar? i don’t have many scars and the few i have are pretty small, but i guess the “biggest” would be on my foot, i was at a friend’s for the summer and we were going around in quads, then there was a little slope and my dumbass panicked and pushed the accelerator instead of the brake and well....we bumped into a littel tree and yeah adfjhkjs

50. what did you do today that made someone else happy? i haven’t done much today i don’t think, but maybe helping to make dinner ? idk

I apologize in advance if you’ve already done this, but i’m tagging: @essercipertuttienonperse, @rosegoldeyelids, @ltpolari, @watermelonsugarhii, @bigsparrowharry, @herefortommo, @arouiis, @farmjpg and @strawberryhabit

thor made you wet

[loki x reader]

[summary] - amidst the stress and problems of the modern world, you find yourself enjoying a small thoughtful moment with your lover. (set after endgame)

[warnings] - swearing?? + tiny pinch of angst

[a/n] - in this story no one dies in endgame!! natasha, tony and steve are all here, along with all the other avengers, because it’s what they deserve!! also this was based off an experience i had, except i have no boyfriend and i just ran in the rain by myself. i had so much fun writing this and i hope you enjoy reading it! <3

“tony stark is going to be the death of me.”

grumbling, loki trailed behind you, as he neatened his pile of papers. you sighed, which was enough to tell him you agreed with him, as you ran your fingers messily though your hair. you could almost feel the built-up stress peel off with every stroke.

it had been a long day at the compound; after the recent events of the battle against thanos and his army, the entire team had been overloaded with paperwork from the government concerning the damages inflicted, the sudden reappearance of those who were snapped, and actual details of what happened.

tony was probably the most agitated - he was the face of the avengers after all. with all the news coverage of him and the team, along with what had happened with thanos, all this paperwork stressed him out and it stressed the entire team out, including you and loki. it was currently half two in the morning, and you were honestly him glad you could finally go home with loki.

you sighed for what was probably the thousandth time today, pushing open each door, as you lethargically progressed down the compound’s corridor. you turned your head around to face loki as you spoke, pushing open the last door that lead outside.

“should we get a take-out? i don’t know if i can be asked to-“

loki yanked you back by your collar, his other hand dropping everything in it and protectively holding you close to his body.

“that was close,” he casually said, heaving slightly.

startled, you looked at what loki was staring at through the doorframe. rain angrily lashed down onto the land, puddles pooling and merging together, as they created a thin sheen of water across the floor.

“ohhh... shit. that’s a lot of rain.”

that was an understatement. the dark, clouds above gave a ruptured growl, and you could feel the powerful rumbles vibrate throughout your body.

“i have an umbrella we can share. i’ll just get it out..”

loki crouched down and slid his bag off, rummaging inside. mesmerised by the rain, you kept your eyes fixed on the view as you spoke:

“thor’s probably the reason this is happening, you know.”

loki heaved a sigh.

“typical. that oaf was always expressive with his feelings. if i had to guess he’s probably in a bad mood right now.”

“you don’t say.”

as if to confirm your suspicions, the sky flashed a sheet of white, the thunder rumbling angrily. you smiled, outstretching a hand to feel the cool droplets hit your skin. after being stuck in an office for the entire day, it was a refreshing sensation. your smile morphed into a smirk; you had a very reckless idea.

loki exhaled as he stood up, opening the umbrella.

“there. now...“

you turned to face him slowly, making sure that he could understand your intention just by your look.

“fuck it.”

and then you ran.

“wait (y/n)-“

you screamed with exhilaration, legs moving mechanically, as you ran as fast you could. your hands instinctively flew above your head to shield yourself from the pelts of rain, but you knew that was useless. your clothes were immediately soaked as if you were in the middle of the flow of a river, not in a rain shower. behind you, you could hear loki yelling, before his voice was overpowered by the violent pattering of the rain.

it hauled down so thickly you could hardly see through the blanket of water. amidst the dripping darkness, two bright lights shone out suddenly, followed by a small ‘click!’. it was the car. this only encouraged you to run even faster, skidding across the slippery surface, as you jerked the car door open. you lunged into your seat, slamming the door, as loki followed just after you.

you both sat there, recovering from your sudden surge of adrenaline, as your chest heaved. it only took one look between you two to break that silence, before you both burst into a fit of laughter.

“you... are insane,” loki breathed out, his long, jet curls plastered to his face.

“that was amazing. i’ve never felt so alive.”

“we’re soaking wet.”

you grinned.

“i know. can we do it again?”

“you are an absolute child,” loki sniffed, “you could’ve gotten a cold.”

he sounded like an irritated mother. you shuffled in your seat to turn to him, smirking.

“you’re concerned about me catching a cold when i’ve been to space and fought against robots, aliens and the universe’s possibly largest threat?”

“yes.”

you blinked, mouth hanging open slightly. it was such a quick and simple answer that you were surprised.

“i love you,” you whispered, eyes wide with adoration for the god sitting in front of you. loki turned to face you, wearing an expression of equal surprise.

“that was random.”

“sooo.. you don’t want me to love you?”

“no! no! it’s just that... i’ve missed this.”

you raised an eyebrow.

“elaborate.”

“i’ve been missing the times where it was just us two and the world around us didn’t matter for that moment. with all that’s been happening, and what had happened, we never really got to have those small, personal moments again. everything just got in the way. and just hearing you say that you love me made me realise that. it was almost like i remembered that we were together. not like i forgot we were! but it just made me realise how much we’ve been through and how much i love you.”

too dumbstruck by his profound response, you sat in a brief minute of silence. the only thing you could really hear was the lashing of the rain against the car windows.

“i’m sorry if that was weird,” loki mumbled, slumping in his seat as he stared blankly at his shoes.

“loki-“

he continued, voice wavering, “everything just came out in such a mess and it probably just sounded so stupid-“

“loki.”

you said it more firmly this time. he shot his head up, surprised to see you with hands pressed against each other in front of your mouth, eyes gleaming with heartfelt tears.

loki creased his brow. did he upset you?

“are you alri-“

he didn’t even get to finish his sentence. you threw yourself into him, not caring at all about your drenched clothing, as you straddled him, as your arms and legs hugged tightly around him. he gave a started ‘oof!’ the air being knocked out his lungs from your sudden hug.

“i am very much alright. this entire thing makes me very happy.”

you inhaled him deeply, the faint scent of fresh dew, coffee and leather lulling you into an incredibly comfortable slumber.

“(y/n).”

you didn’t respond, but smiled into his chest. you were far too content to be bothered to move. you felt the familiar tug of sleep pulling on your eyelids.

“darling.”

deep down, loki loved this just as much as you did. so he sighed, giving in and slowly ran his fingers down your scalp and through your hair. he stared out the windshield, the rain slowly calming down to a therapeutic background noise, as his head rested on yours. your bodies intertwined perfectly like a jigsaw puzzle.

“don’t stop.”

loki looked down. you stared up at him with such large, bright eyes. he hadn’t even realised he had stopped playing with your hair, after being lured into his own sleep.

“so you’re awake.”

“i was on the verge of sleeping.”

“same thing,” he breathed out, as he shifted in his seat. rubbing your eyes, you clumsily rolled back into your seat next to his.

“i love how there’s the marks from i hugged you,” you giggled, indicating the you-shaped damp marks on his clothes.

“to be fair, you were soaking. my brother got you wet,” loki stopped himself before he could continue. his eyes widened in horror at what he said, whilst you erupted into laughter, “nO! not like that! (y/n) you know what i mean!”

“for someone with the reputation of having a clever tongue,” you said between laughs, “that was probably the most childish thing i’ve heard you say. im treasuring this moment forever.”

loki groaned, sliding his hands down his face, before slumping down on the wheel.

“my dignity,” he whined.

“what about it?”

“it’s gone.”

“you are incredibly dramatic.”

he gave another small whine again, this time banging his head repeatedly on the wheel. it was nice to see loki so... normalised? domesticated? seeing him so open and more expressive about his feelings made you happy.

“cheer up,” you said, edging him on, “look up. it’s not raining anymore.”

loki lifted his head. you were right. the raining had ceased, the water now dripping lazily down the smooth surface of the windows.

“and?”

smirking, you knew what you were going to say.

“it means thor won’t get me wet again.”

“you know what-“

you kissed him before he could say anything else.

and as your lips connected, as you felt that spark you always felt, everything felt right.

this was right.

Terrors Of The Inky Past Prologue Part 2- New Life

A/N: hereee is part 2 of the four part prologue to my au!, sorry that this is coming out slightly longer than i intended it to be, i honestly didint know what else to put onto here, but yeah, sorry if this sounded like it doesn't make sense, making this took a real toll off of me while being sick, and i shouldn't even be on here while im sick af but oof i needed to finish this cause i need to at leash do something about my au oofs. also, this was made in april 11th and finished on may 21st

"if one were to perish within battle or were to die in a accident, how would you all feel? would you feel upset, sad, or even angry? what if it was a loved one? what if it was someone you really care for? what if.... you could bring them back from the dead with a little help...?" --- White, white and bright lights were all that he could see, he covers his face as he groans, the figure emitting a "ughhhh..." as he looks around, seeing a tall but lanky figure, the taller figure turns around, and knelt down to the other's level, and held out it's hand, the smaller average size figure looks down at the hand, and then back at the other, before slowly reaching out, and taking the other's hand, the tall lanky figure smiled as the two were fused into one, followed by a slow flashing explosion, Henry wakes up with a loud gasp as he jolts from bed, sweating as he held his chest, breathing as he pants, he looks at himself, his eyes widening "W-wait... w....what.... hap-" he turns around to see the door opening, and his eyes widen at who he saw, a familiar figure, a woman in her early 30s, having dark colored hair, with blue teal eyes, and having a gown on, Linda yawned as she rubbed her eyes "Henry...? why are you up so ear- huh?!" she was cut off by the other hugging her tightly, henry, softly whimpered as linda looked, and felt like she understood "Hey... hey it was only a nightmare okay?" she said as she rubbed his head "come on, you don't wanna be like that for the studios tomorrow right?" she said as henry's eyes widen, "wait... studio?" he asked as she nodded "yeah, remember? you promised joey you'd help him with something about bendy?" she asked as henry blinked, before a foggy memory opened up in his head as he rubbed his head "uh, yeah, yeah um what time is it?" he asked as she looked at the clock "oh! well you woke up from your nightmare just in time, the studio opens in a few hours, should be enough time for you to get ready!" she said as henry nodded, before he broke the hug, and watched her walk off to get ready for her own job, as henry can finally breathe as he rubs his own head, he feels like his whole body was hurting "ughhhh...." he groans as he rubs his own head, he decided to see if he looked any different, he shrugged and decided to see if anything was different, taking a moment as he walked into the bathroom, he decided to look at himself in the mirror, and he stares at his own reflection in shock. he noticed that he looked much younger than before, maybe around his late 20s, he noticed how he had a light stubble and brownish colored hair, with a orange like color near the top of it, even his hair color was different than he remembered, including his eyes, they were a nice, calm peaceful shade of green, he also looked more taller than he remembered, being around 5'7ish feet, though he somehow knew he was gonna get much taller in the near future for some reason, he looks at his own body shape, it looked much more healthy and althetic than worn and tired like he was in the studio, he then began to think back to when he and bendy were fused together, he stares in shock as he remembers joey pulling the lever "he.... he used the failsafe... he did it on purpose..... im.... im the only one who knows what happen, i don't even know if joey even knows it or what he even looks like.... god.... god damn it" he rubs his own head, he should feel glad that he's not in the loop anymore but, he's not, he's gonna be right back in the studio BEFORE it went to hell, and before the toons even existed, but for some odd reason he just knows that today's gonna be different for him, he just has a slight feeling about it, none the less he decides to get ready to go to the studio as he starts to think about what exactly happened. a couple of hours later henry reached the studios, he looks to see the difference between that building and the house as he tries to think about what the different was... aside from the fact that it was a actual studios and not a story build place in a house, before he could even question it, he yelps as he felt someone touch his shoulder "oh! sorry there henry old chum!" a familiar voice said as henry turns around, and his eyes widen, standing there, was none other than joey drew, instead of the old frail man he saw with a wheelchair and cane, he was more younger, with smooth, but slightly messy jet black hair, he wore a blue shirr, with a red vest, and sported a bowtie, along with cartoon like gloves that he made himself, his pants were a brownish color, and his shoes looking fancy, overall he had a snazzy looking appearance with his dark jacket on him, it did'int help that henry could see his strange yellow dark glasses, overall he was a bit frighten to see a more younger joey, he noticed as he takes his glasses off, his green and purple colored eyes staring at him with a confused look as his eyebrows furrowed "you alright henry? i haven't seen you this upset ever since halloween, oh now that was a fun time! sammy sure scared you good did he?" he said as he chuckles a bit. The Cartoonist on the other hand, was far but joining in, he was shocked to see this, but he does raise his own eyebrows at that, before somehow a memory formed up on his head "oh.... heh yeah, sammy did scared me pretty good did he?" he said as joey seem to laugh "ya darn right he did! now come on pal, we got some work to do!" he said as he unlocked the door, and the two walked into the studio. henry was..... shocked to see the inside of the studio, the walls were different, and cleaner, and it seems to be more lively, and the joey drew's studio logo wasnt even there, it said instead "HENRY AND JOEY DREW'S STUDIOS" somehow, he smiled at that, he looks at the nice reddish color the walls had, and how the style of the wood seems to be more like a oak color, joey seems to notice "enjoying the style change henry? i knew ya would, wally and thomas are good at doing their job, but norman helped out with the new logo change, it was fun seeing all of them work together, getting along, you should of seen it" he said as henry looked over, nodding "yeah, it does look good, you and the others seem to really did a good job with it" he said as joey seemed to grin "Well we got some time to kill before the others get here, wanna see what wonders we can come up with today?" he said as the cartoonist nodded, while chuckling, actually slightly forgetting about why he was so scared in the first place "heh, sure then joe, let's see what we can find out today" he said as the two started to chat while walking, all while henry was attempting to see what other differences he could find in the studio. a couple of hours later have passed as some more people got in to do their jobs, henry greeted sammy and jack, who were chatting, before they noticed henry, sammy looked taller than almost anyone in the studio, having a height of 6 feet, his hair having a mix of brown and blonde, his blue eyes darting those henry as he putted his hands in his brown jacket's pockets, tapping his dark colored shoes on the ground as jack notices henry too, he was the shortest, and possibly the youngest, being around 19 years old, and having a height of only 5 feet, having messy brownish hair, and wearing a nice hat, his joyful green eyes beaming with joy as he smiles at henry, before the two both waved as henry went over to them, with sammy being the first to speak out, his voice giving henry some familiar vibes "heya there henry, your here early for a change?" sammy asked as the cartoonist shrugged, but nodded "i guess so, just giving you two a heads up that joey wanted all of us over for a meeting again" he said as he nodded, while jack groaned "again? why do we do these things?" he said, before henry chuckled, even though jack was around 19, his voice sounded so much like a 30 year old man sometimes so it was quite funny to hear jack speak sometimes, which is why he's mainly slightly mute. still though the animator shrugged "he makes the rules, not me" he said as the three went their own ways for now, henry still had some time to kill before the meeting start so he went off to find his work desk, it was right where he remembered it being, he looks off to see that there was no new room when he left, which he was kinda glad for, he tries to remember what else was going on as he sat down, and just started drawing, halfway throughout he stops as he felt someone pressed a hand on his shoulder "hey there pal" a familiar voice said as henry turns around, to see norman, his eyes silently widen as he looks the same as he remembered him before he left the studios, same tall posture, same black cloths, same grey like hair, and of course, the same blue and yellow like eyes he seemed to have, norman smiled "what's wrong? did i scare ya? i thought i tolds ya that i sees everything henry" he said as henry chuckled, before something recalled in his head, a memory from when he heard about the tape "THeY dOn'T eVeN kNoW WhEn Im WaTChINg, eVeN when Im RIgHt BEhIND thEm!" henry started shivering but he was snapped back to reality when norman snaps his own fingers. the African American stares with a worried look "you alright there pal?" he asked as henry started breathing, taking a deep breathe as he gives him a thumbs up with a nervous smile "j...just peachy..." he said as the other seemed to smile softly "Well what's ya working on?" he asked him as henry looked at what he was doing "just, drawing i guess" he said as he does some finishing touches "you know, i never could stand the actual design of that cartoon devil, i don't know he seems... well uh.... naked" he said as henry shrugged "joey came up with the idea, not me" he said as he hums a bit, with norman looking rather nervous "well... it's not my own place to judge but have you ever.... thought about giving the little guy more... jazz?" he stated, to which the other looked up, actually surprised "um... well.... no really...." he said as he remembered something "joey never liked the old concept design we made for bendy... but i did" he said as norman sighed "no no no not that, i mean something new! something... original almost!" henry's eyebrows raised but he was interested "like, think about this, we have a upcoming show that's been getting a lot of fans, the only thing that parents complain about is that he doesnt have any other clothes so... why not give him some?" he said as henry's eyes widen "...norman.... your a genius" henry said as norman grinned "i know i am~" he said as the two chuckled, and henry began his work. Throughout half the whole ordeal of the drawing, norman watched as henry did his best to make a new, original, design of bendy, with norman grinning as he noticed how excited henry was as he chuckled a bit, eventually the animator was finished with the design as he showed it to norman as he inspected it, and the African American's eyes widen in shock and amazement, the design surely was VERY different than the original, for starters bendy looked more taller than he did, and unlike the other design there were two things, one is that he had a neck, and a tail, and the other was that he had actual, colored clothing, it was a jet black hoodie, with a red hood to go with it as he noticed the different gloves, they sported a green color, and he also had blue jeans on as well, the thing that norman liked the best besides the smooth head and horn design, were the shoes, they looked like tapshoes, overall the design was perfect, and he even chuckled at the little bendy badge too, and he noticed the bowtie, which raised his eyebrow "huh? you still gave him the bowtie?" henry seems to rub the back of his head "w-well uh if i ever plan on showing this to joey it's gonna have at leash one thing from the original design yeah?" he said as norman shrugged, but laughed "i guess so, but over all, the design is perfect, and unique, it really looks original, and a perfect design for a perfect show" he said as henry seem to smile "you really think so?" he said as norman grinned "i don't think so henry, i KNOW so" he said to him as henry smiled, and he hugged norman, with the other smiling and returning the hug "thanks pal..." he said as norman chuckled "no problem, anything for a friend" he said as the two parted ways, with norman going back to do whatever he was doing, and henry to go show joey the design. As Henry went to joey's office, he noticed that the other was getting ready to say his speech, joey perks up seeing henry "ah! henry! what brings you here this early before the meeting starts?" he asked as henry seem to nervously smile "w-well uh mister d-d- i mean joey, i was, doing something and norman gave me a really good idea" he said as joey raises a eyebrow "oh? and what is this idea?" he asks as henry seems to gulp, as he shows him the design, with joey looking it over, from top to bottom, as he gives henry a look "henry, this..., this design is..... is..." he smiled "perfect!" he said as henry actually perks up "r-really?" he said as he smiled "of course it is! im glad that you decided to show this to me! maybe someday we'll have him wear this kind of outfit" he said as henry seems to nod, but flinch slightly, now a bit upset that joey was still going to use the original design that they both made together as the official "is that all you wanted to ask me? the meeting starts in a couple of minutes" he said as henry nodded, as he grabbed the drawing "yeah... that's all, see ya later boss" he said as he walks out, as joey ponders on the sudden change in his friend's behavior, but he shrugs it off, he had more important things to worry about right now as he hums a bit, looking over a picture of him and a young boy, as he softly frowns at it, before sighing, and picking up his glasses, putting them on as he goes to where the meeting will take place. Henry sat down next to wally as the others were already there, henry noticed shawn, who seems to be humming as he looks over at henry, and waves, as henry waves back, next he noticed grant and thomas who seem to be having some small talk, before he notices susie talking with sammy, henry seems to smile slightly, it was... nice seeing them not as monsters for a change, he didint know what failsafe joey used but... maybe he could get used to this lifestyle, before long everyone grew silent as joey entered the room and went to start his speech, it was pretty much explaining some changes here and there, some minor stuff, along with adding a amusement park soon to the studios, as well as expanding it, making it big enough to house a lot of things, he even went on to explain that someday, there will be actual toons roaming around the studios, throughout most of the speech only henry and wally noticed this but joey seemed to act, a lot more different during the speech his tone was different, and the way he speaking sounded like he was 100% all of this would happen, the cartoonist started to get slight flashbacks to the loops again as he grumbled softly, rubbing his head, before long the meeting was over as joey said he needed to do something, as the others went off to do their breaks, wally was having a conversation with henry "man im telling ya, mister drew seems to be acting a lot different lately, more than usual, it's like he was so sure that all of this would happen, now im not complaining but like, i don't this it's that healthly for him to be... well that much obessessed over it, what do you think henry..... henry?" he looked over to see that the cartoonist was day-dreaming, or more like thinking heavily, henry was recalling more 'memories' he was having from his new life, before wally snaps his fingers, “mister Jarvis, you don’t look too good are ya sure your alright?” henry’s thoughts went into reality after hearing wally’s voice, remembering that boris snapped his fingers at one point to break henry out of a trance in the studios, the young animator smiling slightly at wally “y-yeah im a-alright” he said as wally stares, confused “Ya sure…. you’ve been real quiet ever since joey announced this whole bringing to cartoons life thing… I mean the moment he said that it’s like you experienced it before” he said as henry suddenly froze again, remembering bits and pieces once again as he started shivering, wally noticing as he looked around “Uh…… henry?” he snapped his fingers “ay! come on! If ya keep on acting like this im outta here!” he said as henry blinked, he groaned as he rubbed his head, before wally seems to chuckle "hey uh, remember that one time during your daughter's birthday i dressed up like the easter bunny? she was out of her own freaking mind, im telling ya if she didint get off of me sooner, i would of been outta there!" he said as henry, softly chuckles, with wally grinning "see! all ya needed was a little laugh and a smile! im telling ya henry, this whole thing is strange but, it's nice to know im not the only one who sees it!" he said as henry nodded, before glancing off at the distance, wondering how on earth did he get a daughter, when he blinks, recalling that he had a daughter and a son before, when he looks back at wally with a blank look “im.. gonna take a break, tell joey im going home early” he said as he got up and walked off as wally blinks “h-hey wait joey never lets us walk out of here early!” he said as henry paid no mind, wally blinking before he sighed “man, sometimes he can be strange like mister drew... but im not complaining, he writes the checks" wally said as he took a sip from his coffee. After the small talk he had with wally, henry huffs softly as he walks through the halls of the studio, slightly trying to remember what was going on, he had very few memories of what happened during the last loop so everything was slightly a fuzz, he did remember a big blur, and then he was here, in a different year, and now in a different universe but… he still have some sort of memories from the loops, the cartoonist humming softly to himself as he putted his hands in his pockets, he was about to go to his desk, before he suddenly  hears… crying? henry raised a eyebrow as he listened in to the crying, before his eyes widen, it was joey’s crying, he hurries over to the room and saw the man himself, in the ink machine room, holding a frail child covered in ink, he instantly knew who the child was as joey turned around, with tears in his eyes as he stares at henry, his eyes staring into his as henry saw how much sadness were in them. “h-h-he was a-alive h-henry… h-he w-was a-a-alive f-for 1-10 m-minutes h-henry….. h-he…. h-he remembered….” joey said, hiccuping while tears were streaming down his eyes, he wasn't wearing his glasses, and he had a smile on his face, a smile that matched more akin to bendy’s but, it was a sad one as henry reached out, before joey hugged henry, crying into his shoulders as henry somehow remembered that they tried bringing bendy to life before, for a certain amount of times, all the attempts failing, henry even had a few tears rolling down his eyes as he hears joey's sobbing as he tried his best to comfort him “i-i missed him s-so much h-henry, i-i-i cant k-keep s-seeing h-him d-die over and o-over a-again! i-i need m-my s-son back! i-i need j-josh!” he said as he cried as henry looks over at the motionless body as henry shushed joey, patting his back. “it’s okay joey….. someday… you’ll see him again.. i know you will…” he said as joey hiccuped as he clutched his shoulders "…o-one more..t-try..h-henry…. j-just o-one… m-more c-chance….“ henry looks at him like he was crazy “w…wait what…?” he said as joey gives him a pleading expression as more tears seem to drip and shed down his eyes "h-henry please! j-just o-one more t-try! i-i need to d-do this! i-if i-it works t-then m-my s-son will c-come back! a-and o-our creation w-will f-finally b-be a-alive!… p….please….” he said as he sobbed some more, before henry stares, before he patted his shoulder, joey looked up at him as henry gave him a smile “…sure pal, anything for you” he said as joey sniffled, before giving him a broken smile "t...thank you my friend......i'll.... i'll clean this up, tell thomas to help me with the last attempt please" he said as henry nodded "yeah... i will" he said as he got up and walked off, before he turns back to joey, seeing him whimpering slightly, henry stares sadly, before he sighs and decides not to tell him about leaving early, he needed to make sure he was alright as he went off to tell thomas, as joey looked at the motionless body, tears swelling up in his eyes "what did i do wrong..... what do i have to do in order to get this right.... i just miss you so much son......." he said as he rubs his eyes, sniffling slightly as he just waits now for thomas to show up. after a few hours and after thomas came to clean up the mess, everyone was heading home as joey stayed back for a few more minutes, doing some research on his computer, before he looks at something that caught his eye, clicking the link and looking at a list, his eyes suddenly widen, as a smile formed on his face, this could be just what he needed to bring something back from the dead, he writes the items down on a piece of paper, taking a mental note to let henry know tomorrow as he grinned, this was it, this could be the last shot he has at trying to bring his son back from the dead "don't worry bucko.... daddy's gonna make sure your coming back alive" he said as he looks at the picture of him with his son, smiling softly at it as he takes off his glasses, rubbing his eyes slightly as he putted them back on, and shutted down his computer, getting ready to go home for the night, henry was on his way home when he stops for a moment, looking at the night sky as he stops at a stop sign while driving, the cartoonist looking at the beautiful stars with a smile, before he keeps driving back to his house, maybe he could get use to this new life he has, at leash he wasnt in a never ending story anymore, henry turns on the radio as he listens and hums to a song as he seems to get slightly lost in it, the song he was listening too was titled "country roads" as he hummed to it, driving back to his house, he just hoped that joey would be alright, but somehow, deep down in him, he has a feeling that it's not gonna be happy for long, he just hopes that day would never come.

this is a 65 question ask meme and im the bitch that’s filling it all out at once to waste time

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you? oh yeah definitely, but it’s usually the other way around where everyone else is real and i am not

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you? idk like a 2.5 i guess

3. The person you would never want to meet? i mean. i don’t know ??? how can i know who i don’t want to meet until i have met them and decided they’re the worst

4. What is your favorite word? akimbo

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be? i would WANT to be a weeping willow, but in all honesty i’d probably be a birch or some type of maple

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought? i honestly cannot recall

7. What shirt are you wearing? a grey pajama shirt

8. What do you label yourself as? the skeleton god

9. Bright room or dark room? i mean if we’re talking the absolute brightest room vs the absolute darkest, i suppose i would pick brightest.

10. What were you doing at midnight last night? for once i was actually asleep

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far? god probably like 8 years old was good

12. Who told you they loved you last? my dad

13. Your worst enemy? it me

14. What is your current desktop picture? it’s a landscape in the style of like miyazaki movie backgrounds

15. Do you like someone? romantically ? no

16. The last song you listened to? poison vine - noah gundersen

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up? just like physically destroy one person ???? idk man. like the consequences of this would probably be too far reaching for me to even fathom. do i get caught ?? does it spark paranoia worldwide ? a string of copy-cat murders ? could i live with myself knowing i killed a human being ?

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face? nazis

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do? idk like. the idea of a slave that has to do stuff for me for a day is kind of wild. if i can like, make a billionaire my slave and then force them to redistribute their wealth then i’d do that

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional) my bones !! i can’t show them to you though, not yet

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do? i guess the opposite of nonbinary is SUPER binary so i’d be like half man half woman and i’d look exactly like a halloween costume

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it? no, all of my talents are pretty out in the open

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of? one unique thing ??? i don’t think anyone really has unique fears. if you dig deep enough they all sort of boil down to the same few things in the end. i guess the most strange fear i have is that spiders will be in my slippers, and so i do not own or wear slippers.

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal. oh shit ok. idk all the ingredients but one time i ate a vegetarian bahn mi in chicago and it was like the most heavenly sandwich i’ve ever had. i want that again. endlessly.

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it? honestly at this very moment in time i would buy groceries, and also maybe a pad of watercolor paper

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go? oof, leave immediately ??? that limits my choices bc i don’t have a passport. i guess i’d go to like. god idk oregon ? colorado ??? the pacific northwest somewhere.

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be? wait what am i supposed to figure out if i don’t drink booze ??? like if my plan was to sell it, i’d have to get a liquor license, and that’s a can of worms i don’t care to open. i think i would ask the angel if instead i can get a lifetime supply of, like, that good bahn mi sandwich i was talking about a few questions up.

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? no nerds allowed

29. What is your favorite expletive? i’m pretty partial to fuck, but honesly yikes is what i say most often even though that’s not a swear word. petition to make yikes a swear word.

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno? hey so one time there was actually the threat of a fire in my house and despite all these questions no one does anything like that. i put on my shoes, grabbed my phone, sunglasses and water bottle because they were all immediately available as i was exiting the house. so as much as i’d love to grab my box of treasures and keepsakes, i absolutely would not and i know this about myself now.

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? yikes. i can see the appeal of this for a lot of people, but for myself it’s just uhhh not feasible. i’d always wonder what i erased, and at some point i would uncover the truth. i wouldn’t like to live with that kind of mystery going on.

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world! oh thank god. i’m moving to a colder climate with universal healthcare.

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back? okay i would strike a deal here and let’s say i can bring back two pets instead of one person and in this case i would bring back rusty (family golden retriever), and also kohji (brother’s shepherd mix). i’d like to say i’d bring back my cat, but i have two cats now and i know my brother would really like his dog back.

34. What was your last dream about? i don’t really remember, tbh. i’ve been having a lot of weird dreams tho

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]? yes i am a VERY good [something]

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital? yes ! it was terrifying and i’d never like to do it again thanks

37. Have you ever built a snowman? no, somehow this was never presented to me as an option any time i’ve been around snow

38. What is the color of your socks? buddy i’ve not worn socks in months. but also generally they are striped with various colors.

39. What type of music do you like? gay stuff

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets? sunrises

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor? chocolate

42. What football team do you support? oh i sure don’t

43. Do you have any scars? yes, many

44. What do you want to be when you graduate? considering that i am no longer in school, the answer is that i want to do whatever i feel like doing at any given moment

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? i suppose i’d cure my mental illness (which i’m working on, so, this will happen)

46. Are you reliable? oh, no. no thanks. i absolutely am but i hate feeling obligated so i always choose to not put myself in situations where someone needs to rely on me for anything

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be? i guess i’d ask if they’re happy

48. Do you hold grudges? i mean. i don’t forget things ........ but i am capable of forgiving people

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create? nope ! i’ve seen movies, i know what horror that can cause

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had? one time my sister and i were talking to our aunt, and we could not for the life of us figure out if she was trying to GIVE or SELL us some rabbit fur coats she had ......... it’s been over a decade and we still do not know which it was

51. Are you a good liar? yes

52. How long could you go without talking? several million years

53. What has been you worst haircut/style? sorry my hair is indestructible and because of the natural texture it looks great no matter what. i’m blessed and i know it.

54. Have you ever baked your own cake? what kind of person doesn’t bake their own cake ????? rich people i guess

55. Can you do any accents other than your own? yes ! but not very well

56. What do you like on your toast? butter, and occasionally cinnamon sugar

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of? some cool clouds

58. What would be you dream car? a honda prelude with the pop-up lights

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain. i do sing in the shower sometimes, but not loudly

60. Do you believe in aliens? absolutely

61. Do you often read your horoscope? almost every day, but i do my full birth-chart horoscope so that it’s accurate, and not like horoscopes from the newspaper

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet? n

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons? i mean are they not the same thing. tell me a dinosaur and a dragon are not basically the same things.

64. What do you think about babies? yeah they’re alright. i never want to be in charge of one but i’m alright with them

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of. i guess the most interesting thing i can think to ask myself is which tarot decks i have, and i will tell you. i have the prisma visions tarot (which is amazing), and also the shadowscapes deck (beautiful!), and also a deck of runes that i made myself with a sharpie on a pack of pepsi branded playing cards

Broken Constellations chapter 2- Give em Hell, kid.

Word count: 2247

Cassie's POV

Valentines day! I roll over and hug the teddy bear I got last year from a girlfriend. That was one of the only happy relationships I had. I slam my face into the pillow as my dad opens the door, flicking the light switch on.

"Get up, kiddo. It's time for school. Wake your brother up too." He smiles and goes downstairs to shower and get ready for work. I get up and throw on a sweater and jeans, shuffling to get Zach. I knock on the door and alert the devil it's time for school, as I go back and get ready. Last night was a shit show, and in actually surprised Jessie talked to me. Jesus, man. That's gotta be rough. I yawn and grab my bag, shoving shit in it, and looking in the mirror.

Today is a new day.

I walk downstairs and count the change in my wallet to get a Soda, I put on my shoes and tell my dad I love him, before leaving and walking outside. The air is cool and soft, remanence of winter lingering around the corner. I rub my eyes, god this is a long week of the same routine. I get down the road before I hear a loud honk, and see a familiar black car pull up next to me and roll down the window: mythic bitch, Jessica Smith.

"Get in." She commands, looking ahead with a bored stare.

"Uh...." no way. Fuck this. What's she gonna do to me. I look around for someone to help me.

"Yes you. Get in. I'm giving you a ride."

"No thanks." I pull my beanie over my head more, feeling my throat tighten up with anxiety.

"Come on. It's valentine day, and no one will see. Let me be nice, bitch."

I groan, and begrudgingly get in. This is going to be a long day.....

She starts driving again and I stare at my bag, an uncomfortable silence filling the empty space.

Part of me wants to chew her out for all the shit she's done to me when I didn't do anything to her.  Part of me wants to ask her if she's okay and Tell dickasoarus-Rex to go to hell.

I choose option a.

"Why?" I ask, looking at her and keeping one hand near the door handle, moving my hair to my back.

"Why..?" She glances at me as she drives, waiting at the intersection of the school.

"Why do you all torment me? What did I do to you to piss you off so bad? This place is hell enough without you- and your- bullshit...." I trail off, looking away.

Her hands tighten on the steering wheel and she takes a breath in as she parks, and I wait for a minute, turning my body to her, and she stares at her lap.

"I see." I say, angry. I at least wanted an explanation for being put through hell. I get out of the car and walk through the back door of the school, headed to the cafeteria. Today was gonna be hell, for more than me.

It just depends on who starts the fire.

I walk over to the vending machine and start getting a Soda, when I see Theodore come up.

"Sorry man, im done he-" he leans on the vending machine and cuts me off.

"I saw you talking to Jessica last night."

"Yeah- crazy right- I can talk to people- ooohhhhhhhhh~" I wave my hands around like a ghost story, joking with him.

"What were you talking to her about?" Teddy looks at me, and I roll my eyes.

"Why, dear Holmes, I was talking to her about personal shit. It was an A-B conversation. So "C" yourself out of it." I snap, walking into the cafeteria before getting pulled back.

"Don't act so innocent. I don't see any good reason for you to want to talk to her. She hates you. She's a horrible person to you!!" Worry lines his voice.

"Yeah, well I'm human. I don't see a slightly-drunk sad girl and think "let's just drop her off and check her ass out as she walks away before driving around the corner!" So I think seeing someone upset, deciding to be a decent human being, and ask about her emotions is a good enough reason to spark a conversation." I cross my arms and rip away from him. "Don't give me shit teddy. You're my friend. Not my warden." He frowns and walks by me, his dirty blond hair fluffing around his tan face with emerald orbs, and a supernatural t-shirt. He and I met when I came here, we met through a friend and hit it off really well. His concern is well placed, but annoying.

We sit down and talk aimlessly, and he smiles and pulls out a large 2-liter of coffee and candy.

"Oh you bITCH I LOVE YOU!" I yell and hug him, laughing. He laughs too and hugs back. I reach in my bag and hand him a giraffe plush and a bag of rainbows.

"Get it? Cause you're a gay giraffe-"

"I'm not gay!!" He yells, and I giggle and take a sip of the coffee. Yes bitchhhhhhh.

We talk about classwork and assignments that the teachers gave that were bullshit. Queen bee and her friends walk in, and I notice the angry distance between Rex, Erika, and her. Those must be the guilty party members.

Amber walks in the mirror awkwardly, trying to strike up conversation without crossing any lines. It was like they had stepped on a battlefield made up of dancing around the issues and passive-aggressive comments. I raise my eyebrows and lean back on the table, looking at teddy.

"Oof. Look at that cluster fuck, like-"

"Yikes." Teddy agrees, watching. "What's with them?"

"The demon queen realized her empire was broken. She woke up to see the roses have thorns. The kingdom has lost their king."

Teddy looks at me.

"Seriously what the fUCK CASSIE?!?" He looks extremely concerned and I snort.

"Sorry- sorry." I give him a sheepish smile and we turn back to each other, talking aimlessly. I see Jessica set her things down and huff, talking to Amber and giving Erika and Rex the classic silent treatment. I give her a soft smile; and for once I see her return it.

Anger doesn't kill politeness.

"Seriously Jessica stop being such a bitch to me!!" Rex pleads, pulling her arm. She pulls away.

"After I went to find my friends what did you do?"

"I talked to my cousin!"

"Oh, so were kissing cousins now?" She snaps, and I "oh" damn. That was viscous.

Teddy snaps me back from my little zone out and I turn to him.

"Sorry- I got distracted." I shake my head,

"You seem distracted a lot. What did she do? Do I have to-"

"Stop, Teddy. Stop trying to be my knight in shining armor. I'm not a damsel in distress and I can rescue myself. Shit went down last night and she talked to me about it. She's in pain. Now drop it." I stand up, slinging my bag over my shoulder.

"Cassie-"

"Happy Valentines Day." I snap, and walk away, then I remember Jessica and how she couldn't answer and I get angrier and start moving faster. Teddy watches me leave and shoots Jessica a look, but I don't care. I don't give a fuck right now. It's too early to live out a high school trope. I rush to my next class, sit down, and pull out my books. Jessica and Amber walk in, jessica right behind me, Amber behind me to my left. The teacher talks about equations and steps, and Amber tries to snap my attention to ask for paper. I hand three sheets back and go back to work, keeping my head down, but I can't get her crying on the sidewalk, being realer than she ever shows, out of my head. It's tiring. There's too much going on and she should be the last person on my mind. She's my bully, not my friend, and everyone has a moment of weakness.

I lay my head down and groan, finish the page, and turn it in. Jessica throws a ball of paper at me. I groan and open it up reading.

"We need to talk." Well.

Fuck. that.

I pocket it into my bag and focus on the assignment for homework, planning out what we need to do for literature, and I smile softly at the idea of being able to discuss literature and get away from the world.

Today we're supposed to talk about Valentine's Day,

And I want to talk about how Valentine's Day is for the viscous.

I stand up and get a pass for the bathroom, tears forming in my eyes- it's the first day of school all over again. Crying over the past and what I'm missing. Crying over bullies and dicks and people who play with your heart for a gag. Crying because nothing stays the same.

God- I am a bitch. I camp out until class is about to end, grab my stuff, and go when the bell rings. The day moves slowly, inching minute by minute, and when it gets out, I thank god. This is too much weird shit for me to deal with.

"Cassie!!" I hear teddy call as he runs by me. I smile at him, walking out of school. "Do you wanna hang out?"

"Not really. I'm- a lot of shit is going on emotionally and I just want to nap, Teddy." I groan, rubbing my eyes.

"Come on! It's valentines day. Please?" He insists, and I sigh, Text my parents, and look at him.

"Fine. Where to?" I grab my bag strap and feel like shit, a sinking feeling in my stomach.

"We can go to my place! Watch a movie or something." He smiles, and I follow him to his car. My parents- begrudgingly- like teddy. He's a sweet kid. He's a good friend too- sometimes possessive, but, I think it's protective. We get to his place and I throw my bag down in the kitchen in a chair and walk into the living room. His parents would be home in an hour or two.

"So what movie are we gonna watch?" I ask and look over at him. He walks over and sits down, smiling. He turns on Gifted, and I smile. He knows me.

"Yessssss" I laugh and watch the movie. He subtly moves closer and I turn to him- he leans over and starts to peck my lips- I push him off-

"Woah- teddy! What the fuck?" I ask, pink and flustered. He turns pink and frowns.

"I- I thought- that's why you agreed to hang out with me...? On Valentine's. That's why we got presents-"

"teddy- jesus- I'm your friend- And- Teddy I'm gay." I tell him, biting my lip.

"You just haven't been with the right guy." He says, and leans in and kisses me again, holding my waist. I slap him and push him off, grabbing my bag.

"Cassie-"

I say nothing as I run out of the house. I don't want to see him right now. My stomach twists and I feel sick-

Not even my best friend is a safe place anymore.

I hurry and catch my breath, thinking. Thinking too much. Overthinking.

This day can't possibly get worst.

I grab my earbuds and look up how far the distance to my home is. 2 miles. I grab my earbuds, blast music, and start walking. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone: Jessica Smith gave me a ride, teddy tried to confess, and I'm being slowly dragged into the plot of a high school movie cliche.

To make things worst I can't get Jessica "Jessie" smith out of my head.

And I wonder what her hugs feel like.

I slap myself and walk in silence, letting the music think for me. After about a mile, I stop by the dollar store and buy a drink and some snacks, put them in my bag, and notice Rex and Erika hooking up.

Gross.

"Jessica was being such a bitchhhh" Rex says, panting.

"Ugh. I know right? She didn't even give me a ride home. I- I guess I see it.... but- still. She's not dating you."

"She's only in loooove with me!" He snorts.

"Right. So you two should shit talk her and mock her emotions. Classy. Why would she ever be mad? It's like you two did something wrong!" I sarcastically smile, moving them so I can get out.

"Fuck off, Goth moth. It's not like she's your friend. You should hear what she says behind your back-"

"I do. But I see the shit you do behind here and I figure at least she's not leading someone on and shattering their heart. Grow the fuck up, be adults. Honestly? You two are perfect for each other. Shallow and rude, and not realizing what you have." I snap, and they glare, cursing my out as I walk away. I just have to take the back roads and I'll be fine.

I walk away from the rude remarks and bitch fits and think about how ironic it was that I was right:

Valentine's is for the Viscous.

i redid an ask meme that i had originally done ~3 years ago to see the comparison so for archiving purposes im putting it in a lil journal entry here ! i wanna start doing small journal entries again it was fun when i did that

new answers bolded

1) what images do you have set for your desktop/cell phone wallpapers?

my desktop bg is literally just…. a collage of kageyama manga screencaps a h a,,,, and my cellphone bg are drawings some gay drew me like 74724 years ago :v // my desktop rn is actually a background from one of the dmmd routes LMFAO..... idk which one it is but i’ve always liked those bg pics!! my cell lock screen is p5 art and my bg is leopika

2) have you ever had a crush on a teacher?

nooooope // nah

3) what was your last text message?

my phone is dead so i wouldnt be able to tell you lmfao i dont even remember // it was a gif from kelly lol

4) what do you see yourself doing in 10 years?

hopefully working a job i enjoy and making costumes and being happy!! // god i have no idea and it freaks me out... hopefully working,,

5) if you could be anywhere else right now, where would you be?

hoommee ((or at katsucon tbh)) // at the beach with friends maybe

6) what was your coolest halloween costume?

a white cat probably lmao // i dont think ive ever had a particularly exciting halloween costume but one year i was sharpay from high school musical and i think i peaked then tbh

7) what was your favorite 90s show?

uhhhh….. i didnt really… start watching tv until like… the 2000′s so i really cant tell you man lol // spongebob started in 1999 does that coUNT,

8) who was your last kiss?

(answer redacted) // :/ someone should kiss me so i can change this answer lmao

9) have you ever been stood up?

nope //  nah

10) favorite ice cream flavor?

vanilla w/ vanilla oreos ok u need to underst a n d // this hasn’t changed i haven’t had this particular ice cream in a long time but i still stand by it

11) have you been to las vegas?

nahh // nope

12) your favorite pair of shoes?

idk i have these black ones i wear everywhere lol // i have a pair of white sneakers that i refuse to stop wearing now

13) honestly, have you ever cheated on your significant other?

i wouldnt even consider it. // no bc i’m not a piece of shit lmao?

14) what is your favorite fruit?

hmmm…. pineapple orrr…. strawberries but only if they’re the really good kind like they have to be perfect // pineapple!!

15) have you talked to anyone on tumblr that you could see yourself  dating/having sex with? if possible?

….. ye s… yes. // in the past apparently so but thinking about it now nah lol

16) are you into hookups? short or long term relationships?

hookups arent my thing eh i prefer long term relationships altho i cant really say ive been in a “long” term relationship pffff // i don’t think hookups will ever be my thing, emotionally long term relationships are what i’m here for but i’m also a Very Impulsive Person so i cant tell you if this will stay a fact :’)

17) do you smoke? if so, what?

nope dont wanna // no thanks

18) what do you do to get over your anger?

usually talk to people or shout into word // i have to vent about it to someone probably a thousand times even months or years after it happens tbh

19) do you believe in god?

nahh // nah

20) does the person you’re in love with know it?

i aint in love with anyone rn so no? // i’m not in love with anyone.

21) favorite position?

………….. for w hat………. // oh honey lmfao... N/A

22) what’s your horoscope sign?

virgo/ox ovob // Virgo/sun, Aries/moon, Libra/rising and Cancer/midheaven

23) your fears?

literally everything i already named a few so ill name some others… ghh anything in… the ocean or lakes and stuff frightens me and i really dont know why bu tlike…. fish and crabs and jellyfish and seaweed cuz it’s evil and stu f f basically anything that’s not a mammal or turtles or penguins…. lo l im a baby // uncertainty is a big fear of mine and also people being mad at me lmao... as far as physical fears though i have debilitating fears of almost all insects/arachnids and lobsters/shrimp/crawfish :^)))))

24) how many pets do you have? what kind?

two cats and a dog!! // one cat one dog

25) what never fails to turn you on?

i dunno,,/////// // lol neck biting/kissing oof

26) your idea of a perfect first date?

im okay with mostly anything i just really like spending time with the person ; v ; // i’ve never really had an answer for this? thinking about dates has always made me so anxious for whatever reason but i’ll be happy to just spend time with them doing whatever honestly, i’m a super indecisive person aha

27) what is something most people don’t know about you?

i dont really know tbh lmfao // i’ve considered in the past looking into mental conditions (anxiety/bpd/etc) to see if i might have one or two but i never want to say anything about it because i don’t want to self-diagnose anything.

28) what makes you feel the happiest?

nice weather and nice conversations w/ best people u//v//u // nice weather and hanging out with people who are fun and easy to talk to

29) what store do you shop at most often?

does….. arda wigs count or… // does arda wigs still count bc mood lmao but truthfully now it’s probably target

30) how do you feel about oral? giving and/or receiving?

kkdkjsfkjkjfj??fsfj/// go for i t??? i have no problems with i t??? i dont think ill ever be willing to put a dick in my mouth though // these random sexual questions thrown in here are something aren’t they lmao. not going to disclose much but i will stand by the fact that i will not put a dick in my mouth lo l

31) do you believe in karma?

sometimes ye // i believe that people will eventually get what’s coming to them but i don’t believe in karma as a solid concept if that makes sense? like i don’t think it’s guaranteed

32) are you single?

yup yup // yeah it’s been wild lmao

33) do you think flowers or candy are a better way to apologize?

i think being sincere is the best way to apologize– if you truly mean it the person will know. you dont need to buy your forgiveness. // the best way to apologize is just to apologize sincerely and change your behavior if it’s applicable.

34) are you a good swimmer?

ehh??? im ok i guess– i took swimming lessons as a kid but i havent done legit swimming ever since then lmao,, ive always been best at the backstroke tho yea // i mean i have the ability to swim but i’m not olympic-worthy or anything lmao

35) coffee or tea?

ehhh im not big on either tbh // chocolate milk and you can fight me

36) online shopping or shopping in person?

depends what your shopping for i guess?? online is more relaxed i guess // online probably because shopping in person Gives Me Anxiety

37) would you rather be older or younger than your current age?

ehhh im happy where i am tbh // older

38) cats or dogs?

do not make me choose // cats and dogs* there i fixed it for you

39) are you a competitive person?

ahaa,,,,, oh god yeah,, // OOF yeah

40) do you believe in aliens?

i believe there’s life on other planets somewhere?? so i guess?? // i believe in aliens in the sense that there’s no way we are the only living life forms in the universe but not in the science-fiction way you feel me

41) do you like dancing?

i do but i suck at it lmao // i do but i: A- suck, and B- have no stamina

42) what kind of music to you listen to?

nearly everything tbh // i’m not picky when it comes to music but imma be real w u. almost all of the music on my phone is kpop. seventeen is my favorite group along with astro, and i also enjoy super junior, shinee, red velvet, etc among so many others,,, im pretty wide spread !

43) what is your favorite cartoon character?

i will never be able to pick just one // i’ll literally never be able to answer this

44) where are you from?

philadelphia uvu // philly!

45) eat at home or eat out?

hmmm at home. // at home

46) how much more social are you when you’re drunk?

i never plan on being drunk tyvm // i’ve never consumed alcohol in my life and to be Quite Fucking Honest i want nothing to do with it

47) what was the last thing you bought for yourself?

bracelets ! ; u ; // uh... excluding food and music... earrings i think

48) why do you think your followers follow you?

uhhhhhhh lmfao i have no idea i think… a good amount are for my cosplays at least?? or id like to think so lmfao but i really dont know pfft // my followers have just accumulated and hung around over the years... i know i gained a good amount from my snk days as arlert-the-troops and then through my haikyuu phase, whether it was for my cosplay or other posts that i made... whenever someone follows me now im not entirely sure what its for but i appreciate everyone who’s stuck around!

49) how many hours do you sleep at night?

it’s never regular man // 6-9 (lol) hours is pretty normal for me

50) what worries you most about the future?

everything tbh // the future as a concept worries me lol

1. 2seok please!

Word Count: 3112 words (IM SO SORRY)

Pairing: Seokjin/Hoseok (2seok)

Prompts: “Why are we at a strip club?”

Summary: in which hoseok realises that his longtime crush may or may not like him back in a strip club

Note: SORRY THIS IS SO LATE i got so carried away omg ;; this is probably different than what you were looking for, it even has a plot and everything, it’s not even a drabble anymore but huhuhu i hope you like it!

Hoseok has been putty for the clumsy doe-eyed student in his dance class for as long as he can remember.

The first day he tumbled into Hoseok’s dance studio, he had on a look on his face that screamed determination. Messy hazel brown hair sat on his head, and he was clad in flannel and ripped jeans, his plush lips pursed into a smile and Hoseok had thought that the stranger was younger than himself and handed him a registration form (which he read later on and learnt that no, the stranger was in fact a hyung).

The stranger’s eyes widen a little, but he accepts the form with both hands and completes it quickly, a hum under his breath. Hoseok, while watching him, had in that instant considered giving him free lessons for being the single most attractive person to walk through those doors, but he wasn’t stupid enough to actually do it. 

“Fair warning though, I’m really really bad at dancing,” Seokjin - according to the registration form - tapped on Hoseok’s arms gently and told him sheepishly, ears tinged red with what Hoseok could only guess was embarrassment. “I’m pretty much hopeless.”

Hoseok waved him off, offering him an encouraging smile. How bad could he be? “Nonsense! After all, I am J-hope, I’m your hope.”

At hearing that, Seokjin’s face reddened and he buried his face in his sleeves, and if not for his reaction, Hoseok would have felt faintly awkward about saying what he did, but having managed to elicit such an adorable reaction from the cute new student, he gave himself a mental high-five.

Seokjin wanted to start lessons the next day, and Hoseok was more than delighted to teach an enthusiastic new student, but honestly, if not for his pretty face, Murder in Local Dance Studio may have very well headlined the next day.

Simply speaking, Seokjin was absolutely right when he said he was really really bad at dancing. No offence.

In the span of three hours, Seokjin had fallen down six(teen, but he would never admit to that) times. He’d simply told Hoseok that he “slipped on the floorboards because they were polished too clean” or “tripped on that one loose floorboard” which Hoseok was pretty sure didn’t exist. It was exhausting enough to watch somebody fall this many times while trying their hardest to dance, so Hoseok guessed that it must have been even more tiring to be the one suffering through it. 

So Hoseok was pretty happy when Seokjin nailed the first step of the dance the first time that day, drenched in sweat and overwhelmed with joy. Hoseok decided he would go through everything he’d taught Seokjin that day one last time before he sent him home, and until now, he doesn’t know if that was the right decision to make or not.

He’d expected Seokjin to fall, of course, but not this way.

To elaborate, he’d tripped over his foot and stumbled into Hoseok’s chest, who attempted to rescue the both of them by grabbing Seokjin’s elbows to no avail. They fell onto the floor with a loud thump in a tangle of long limbs and pained groans.

Suddenly, because of the close proximity of their faces, Hoseok’s senses were heightened. He could feel the up and down of Seokjin’s chest on his and see the rush of warmth blooming in Seokjin’s cheeks and hear Seokjin’s ragged breath after having practised non-stop for three hours and-

“I hope I’m not interrupting anything,” somebody called out from the other side of the dance studio and Hoseok whipped his head around to see Jimin with an incredibly smug look on his face.

“No!” Seokjin squeaked out and scrambled to get himself back onto his feet.

Jimin allowed his eyes to flit from Seokjin to Hoseok, who was pushing himself up as well, his cheeks too dusted a light pink. “Newcomer?”

Seokjin grinned at Jimin. “Yes! Please teach me well!”

At this, Hoseok couldn’t help but sigh inwardly. 

And just like this, Seokjin became a regular at Hoseok’s dance studio, insisting that he needed the practice if he’s going to become an idol, something that Hoseok has no other choice than to agree with, not only because he likes Seokjin’s company (and handmade lunches), but also because yes, he does need it, really badly.

But Hoseok hadn’t at that point fallen for Seokjin yet. He knew he was just harbouring a small crush on his pretty dance student. It was one especially cold Friday afternoon that he realised that he’d fallen for Seokjin. Hard.

(Literally.)

They were heading back for dance lessons after lunch, and maybe it was because Hoseok was super tired, or maybe it was because the epitome of clumsiness was skipping ahead of him, because Hoseok got his Chucks caught in the slightest crack in the pavement and collided with the asphalt with a loud oof!.

Seokjin swivelled his head around and almost had a slight panic attack when he saw Hoseok on the ground whining in pain. He rushed over and squatted down next to Hoseok, concern presenting itself in the form of creased eyebrows and pouty lips.

“Shit, it hurts real bad,” Hoseok groaned, pressing a finger against his ankle.

Seokjin frowned and positioned himself in front of Hoseok. “Get on my back.”

“No, I’m really heavy, I can manage,” Hoseok rejected Seokjin’s offer, only causing Seokjin’s frown to deepen further.

“You’re a dancer, you don’t want to cause permanent damage to your ankle,” Seokjin chided, insisting that Hoseok climb onto his back.

The winter air coloured Seokjin’s lips red and his cheeks pink. Paired with his recently bleached blond hair and ghost white bomber jacket, he looked like an angel and God, Hoseok would die right now if Seokjin was the one sent from heaven to collect his soul.

“Hobi! Are you listening? I said, climb onto my back,” the angel himself snapped Hoseok out of his thoughts and he relented, allowing himself to rest his chin on Seokjin’s wide shoulders as Seokjin lifted him up.

Seokjin’s uneven breaths came out as puffs of mist in the icy weather, and Hoseok, being the selfish man he is, was having the time of his life on Seokjin’s broad back, enjoying the warmth that radiated from the older man. Meanwhile, he was having a hard time trying to be oblivious to his heart racing in his chest, caused by this much contact with Seokjin at one time. And the way he was literally the knight to Hoseok’s damsel in distress? Swoon.

As soon as they got to the nearest medical clinic, Hoseok’s ankle was tended to efficiently, but he was told he couldn’t dance for two weeks, much to his disappointment. 

Seokjin engulfed a sulking Hoseok in a suffocating hug as soon as he exited the room with the doctor. 

The doctor smiled at the display of affection. “You will have your boyfriend to accompany you in the following two weeks.”

It went silent for a while, Seokjin and Hoseok not saying anything, as if waiting for the other to tell the doctor that no, we’re not boyfriends, thank you very much, but nobody did, and the doctor sensed immediately that he’s said something he shouldn’t have and apologised.

Luckily for Hoseok, Seokjin forgot about that little bout of awkwardness as soon as they got to the dance studio. Because Hoseok couldn’t dance anytime soon, he decided that they could both take the day off and watch funny movies on Hoseok’s iPad. Seokjin was more than delighted to take up Hoseok’s offer, whipping out a few bags of snacks he had in his bag. (“You were expecting this to happen?” “It’s nothing like that, you idiot!”)

Hoseok can’t express the joy he was feeling with Seokjin curling up to him and huddling an inch closer every five minutes to counter the cold outside. Or when Seokjin would constantly check on Hoseok’s ankle and ask if he was feeling alright.

It was afterwards when Seokjin had fallen asleep onto Hoseok’s shoulder and Hoseok had sub-consciously taken the liberty of brushing his bangs out of his face, and admiring his face up-close that he realised that shit, I’ve fallen for him.

Back to present day, and we have Seokjin entering Hoseok’s dance studio with a birthday present - a pair of expensive-looking new shoes - and a birthday cake, singing happy birthday at the top of his lungs with Jimin, who had bore nothing but a smirk on his face as soon as he strutted into the dance studio.

“Where’s my present, you brat?” Hoseok gasps in mock disbelief. “The disrespect!”

Jimin grins. “Don’t worry, hyung! I have a surprise for you!”

They have their own tiny celebration for Hoseok and he stares at them adoringly, the warmth and joy in his heart seeming to burst at its seams, as he embraces them fondly, his affection for them spilling out his mouth in a series of “thank you!”s and “I love you!”s.

Because he does love them; his best friend Jimin, and the love of his life Seokjin. (“Hear me out, Jimin. He’s the love of my life, I swear.” “I gotchu, fam.”)

Seokjin leaves at eight o’ clock, apologising profusely and owing it to club activities.

It’s finally time for Hoseok’s birthday surprise, Jimin announces, the smile on his face wider than ever. This may not turn out well.

The pungent smell of cheap booze pervades Hoseok’s nostrils and he immediately wishes he hadn’t taken up Jimin’s offer to make a trip down to the “newest, hottest” strip club. Unpleasant house music and too-buff men seem to be all the strip club can offer, two things that Hoseok had originally found distasteful individually, but he hadn’t expected their combination to make him want to throw up this bad. He poles at his drink with his bendy straw in boredom, ignoring the up-close and personal experience with other men’s thinly clothed crotches.

“Remind me again,” Hoseok sighs, fingers massaging his temples, “why are we at a strip club?”

There is a glint of mischievousness in Jimin’s crescent-shaped eyes. “Patience, my friend.”

“Just because I told you I was gay for Seokjin, doesn’t mean I want these people thrusting their hips into my face.”

Jimin snickers but asks Hoseok to wait a while more.

All of a sudden, the music stops, and Hoseok perks up to look at the commotion. The crowd around him has gotten considerably thicker and more than half of the strippers are nowhere to be seen.

A deep voice booms through the loud speakers over the music. “Presenting Ulzzang!”

And oh my God, the crowd goes nuts. They chant Ulzzang over and over again, and while it may feel good while looking into a sea of giggly teenagers doing it, horny men with too much money in their pockets are a different story. And Ulzzang? Really? What kind of stripper name is that? What kind of narcissistic bastard would make his stripper name Ulzzang?

Oh, if only poor Hoseok had known.

In the middle of the room, grinding against the pole on top of an elevated platform, in all his glory, is Kim Seokjin. Unlike the other strippers who had on rock hard abs and various patterns of one-size-too-small boxers, Seokjin is clad in a more feminine piece of underwear (fortunately for him, his masculinity isn’t fragile) and making up for his lack of bulging muscles is a deadly combination of broad shoulders and a tiny waist.

He’s definitely not a rookie, Hoseok can tell that much. From the way he slides down the pole to the way he politely rejects every offer to go somewhere else and fuck, he’s handling the crowd well, giving them enough to appease them, but not enough to satisfy them. And boy is Hoseok entranced by Ulzzang.

God, he thinks he’s just popped a boner. Who wouldn’t if they were watching their longtime crush dance around a pole in nothing but skimpy underwear in front of a huge crush? You would.

And how the hell is Seokjin so good at this and at the same time so bad in the dance studio? Fucking sorcery, Hoseok thinks.

He grabs at Jimin’s arm with the intention to ask him how in the world he managed to get ahold of the fact that Seokjin was a part-time stripper. “Jimin-”

“Do you need something?” a voice much deeper than Jimin’s interrupts him and Hoseok just realises he’s grabbed a stranger and Jimin is nowhere to be found. The stranger is good-looking, but not nearly as handsome as Seokjin, and has on a weird ensemble of mismatched but expensive-looking clothing. He looks like he could buy Seokjin for an entire night.

Hoseok curses under his breath and plasters an apologetic smile onto his lips. “Sorry, I mistook you for somebody else.”

He turns back to watch Seokjin, but the stranger says, “You’re this captivated by Ulzzang?”

Hoseok’s polite smile falters. What?

“I can see it in your eyes! Everybody in this club wants him for a good fuck, but you want something more than that, don’t you?” A boxy smile plays on the stranger’s lips. “Ulzzang really is something, huh?”

Hoseok grits his teeth at the stranger’s audacity, he wouldn’t know anything about him or Seokjin or anything between them. “You don’t-”

“Tell you a secret, insider’s scoop,” the stranger offers, the smile on his face only growing wider. Despite Hoseok’s protests, he continues, “Before Ulzzang, he wanted his stage name to be Mr Worldwide Handsome.”

Hoseok can’t help but chuckle at that, because Seokjin has mentioned being worldwide handsome while staring at the ceiling-to-floor mirror in his dance studio. “He is worldwide handsome.”

The stranger laughs, “He is. So you do know Seokjin personally!”

Hoseok panics internally. He hadn’t thought this through, what if this guy was actually Seokjin’s stalker and he-

“In case you think I’m a stalker, I’m not,” the stranger says as if he’d read Hoseok’s mind.

“Then you’re his sugar daddy?” Hoseok gasps. It all makes sense, from this guys Gucci slippers to his Gucci slacks and Gucci shades - who the hell wears shades in a strip club - he could totally be-

“I wish,” the stranger says jokingly, his boxy smile re-appearing. “I’m his best friend.”

“You’re Kim Taehyung?”

“So he does talk about me!” His boxy grin stretches wider. “And who might you be?”

“His dance teacher.”

Taehyung does a double take when he hears that. “You? You’re his crush?”

Hoseok’s mind goes blank and he almost chokes on his drink. “What?”

“You lucky man!”

“What did you say?”

“You lucky man?”

“No, before that.”

“That you’re his crush?”

“You’re kidding me.”

“God, he talks about you 24/7! It’s all Hobi this, Hobi that, I could start a Wikipedia page just for you.”

“Only hyung gets to call me Hobi!”

Taehyung pays him no mind. “Hobi, you lucky man! Mr Worldwide Handsome has a crush on you!”

“You’re fucking kidding me.”

“Honestly, thank God, because I thought it was some middle-aged man who was giving my Seokjin dance lessons and I cannot imagine that,” Taehyung pays no attention to the disbelief in Hoseok’s voice, rattling on.

“You-”

“He even took up this job just to get your birthday present!” Taehyung tells Hoseok and before Hoseok can ask him another question, he glances at his phone and before bolting away, exclaims, “Oops! Look at the time, gotta go!” He really is the alien Seokjin makes him out to be.

By the time Hoseok turns to look at Seokjin, still in utter incredulity that Seokjin now has a 1% chance of liking him back depending on whether Hoseok wants to trust what Taehyung had just told him, he is on all-fours, barely within distance of the few hands that attempt to reach up to touch him.

Hoseok manages a smile.

“So, how’d you like my birthday present?” Jimin asks the next day, a smirk ever present on his face.

“I don’t know if I’m aroused or concerned to know about this,” Hoseok admits and lies on the newly polished floorboards, eyes trained at the ceiling. He turns to Jimin. “But how the heck can he dance so well in the strip club and be so bad at it here?”

Jimin laughs. “I’m surprised you’re this oblivious. What are the chances of somebody tripping into somebody else a hundred percent of the time?”

“You’re not saying-”

“Yes, I am.”

The chime of the bells attached to their door jingles and Jimin and Hoseok turn towards the glass door.

Seokjin’s eyes are a little puffy and he suppresses a yawn with a hand to his mouth. He’s zombified and basically not fully awake yet, hovering around the shoe rack and staring at it as if he’s trying to figure out what its real purpose in life is. Hoseok finally realises that ah, so that’s why nowadays he comes for lessons looking like he hasn’t slept a wink. His heart swells, as he acknowledges that Seokjin had done it all for him, and that Taehyung may be right in Seokjin being able to return his feelings.

But Hoseok can’t resist himself.

“So, Ulzzang, how much for one night?”

“Sorry, I don’t do one-night-stands,” Seokjin answers automatically, as if on cue, not yet realising he’s talking to Hoseok. He rubs at his eyes sleepily.

Hoseok decides to take a chance. “Do you have a crush on Jung Hoseok?”

“God, yes,” Seokjin mutters, “I literally came in all those months ago to tell him that I found him cool and liked him, but of course I accepted that stupid registration form, and he’s been treating me like a student ever since! Even though I’m his hyung!”

Hoseok’s heart skips a beat. Jimin snickers in the background.

He rubs at his eyes again and suddenly freezes, turning to look at Jimin and Hoseok, the latter whose mouth is hanging wide open at Seokjin’s confession. His face turns tomato red and he wants to explain himself but what is there to explain when you’ve just blurted out your eternal crush on your dance teacher?

“I-”

“I like you, too,” Hoseok cuts Seokjin short, and Jimin squeals. “So you don’t have to pretend to be a clumsy dolt in front of me all the time, even if your flirting technique did kind of work. And don’t go to that strip club ever again.”

Seokjin breaks into the biggest, most relieved smile Hoseok has ever seen him in, and Hoseok once again remembers why he’s been putty for him as long as he can remember, and for as long as he’s alive.

That’s all, folks!

Note(again): IM SORRY IM SO EXTRA and i sincerely apologise if that was too lengthy for any of y’all, or if you found the plot really extra oops! like i said, i got carried away ack so ;; and vmin acting as wingmen for their oblivious hyungs omg pls and ok y’all i may post this on my ao3 so you can go find me there and maybe leave a sneaky kudos tqvm!