fic rec masterlist

canon divergent/finale fix its

Anamnesis

THIS! FIC! this fic lives in my head rent FREE it is so good and it makes so much sense in the narrative that the shitty finale concocted, as to why they wouldn't mention cas or anyone else and its just. so good and they write chuck in the most villainous way that i love!!!

"Chuck is depowered, Jack is the new god, and the world is free. Dean and Sam get into the Impala and chase down the miles on an endless highway, and their story is finally, finally their own to follow. At least, that's what Dean tells himself. But the diners and motels and painted interstate lines are blurring together and the smallest details keep catching at his brain like tiny fishhooks and he can't quite shake the feeling that not everything is exactly as it should be. Fix-it/alternate series finale. Canon-compliant through the end of 15.19."

Sunset Sound: Stairway to Heaven by @adhdeancas

GOD FUCKING CHRIST this is so good and sweet and im such a sucker for team ups and reunions!!! its 3:30 am rn and i just finished it and i love it SO much it made me laugh a lot and the last few chapters i had the stupidest grin just plastered to my face

The Closer the Star, the Greater the Parallax by @rocksalts​

repressed bastard dean submits to the mortifying ordeal of being known and receives the rewards of being loved but only after some miscommunication i LOVE this i read it last night and it’s a fast favorite. my interests have overlapped and i am INTO it

“When Dean sits down to watch some bullcrap Discovery Channel episode with Cas, he doesn’t expect to actually learn anything. Except, with Cas explaining, he makes an effort to connect the dots.”

Don't We All Deserve To Be Happy?

VERY sweet and a VERY good pick me up. all around feel good fic!!! 

"Post-canon fix-it, divergent from 15x19 where Jack stays and Dean doesn't die and Cas comes back and everyone is happy. Take a shot every time I'm salty about the finale."

Keep Your Love Alive

okay. okay okay okay this may be my favorite finale fix it just because of how well reasoned it is. like this feels what should have happened i love it SO much

"Dean gets to spend eternity sharing beers with Bobby on the Roadhouse porch and riding around in his Baby with Sam. He’s at peace… or he feels like he should be. But a few things nag at him: Where is Cas, and everybody else Dean had been hoping to see in Heaven? Why does he feel like he’s stuck in a loop, reliving the same memories over and over again? And who are the strangers wearing Sam’s and Bobby’s faces?"

The GoldenRod Revisions by @aethylas​

this is one of the most well written things ive ever read. the script format DID make it feel more real and honestly? this is better writing than this show deserves. the finale that could have been ♥️

“A rewrite of Supernatural’s final two episodes, expanded into a five episode arc - in which Chuck needs to be defeated, Castiel deserves to be saved, and the characters in this story get a very different ending.“

Ascend by @wanderingcas​ 

THEE finale fix it fic!!! written by the AMAZINGLY skilled and talented @wanderingcas !!! it’s 50k of angst and hurt/comfort and pure bliss

“Something in the world is wrong.

Demon activity is rising where mysterious black substance oozes and unusual ecological events are shaking the world. Dean, grief hanging on his shoulders, restlessly searches for answers that might lead him to the Empty… and to Cas.

But what Chuck wrote can’t be undone. The narrative thread pulls Dean along, forcing him to comply. Because once a story already has an ending, it can’t be rewritten.

Or can it?”

Things Happen (They Do, And They Do, And They Do) by THEE @sobsicles

i KNOW everyone has already recommended this and likely you’ve all already read it. but it has to go here bc REPRESSIOOOOOOOOON i LOVE this so much it is one of the most perfect things i’ve read. are you bisexual? did you have a kind of weird relationship with your best friend and not realize that how you felt about them wasn’t necessarily how other people felt about them and you were maybe a little bit in love with them but were too repressed to realize it? you’ll feel seen. maybe a little too seen

Closer (isn't close enough)

are you a sweet and sappy yet horny bastard? do you like cas exploding light bulbs? you will like this.

“the one where they finally talk about what cas said before the empty took him”

You and Your Husband

it is exTRMELY sweet!!! repression dean strikes again <3

"Five times Dean corrects someone about his relationship with Cas, and one time he realizes he doesn't need to."

Tall Grass

miscommunication and a slowburn! despite being written in 2017 and finished in 2018, it feels like a fix it. ft. plant obsessed cas <3 

Invictus

a LOVELY and short (relatively) finale fix it

“They saved the world. They're free. It's done.

Except it's not, and carrying on is the last thing any of them are thinking about.

They still have someone they need to save.”

Unchained Link

post finale- it’s a great case fic and i am compelled i want more!!!

"It's after the end of things. Life continues on while Dean is "livin it up" in heaven. But it's never that simple, is it? A freak occurrence sends Dean into another time stranded back on Earth. And he thought his hunting days were over. But, no worries. His knight in shining armor comes to the rescue. Hijinks, therefore, ensue."

fun and time unspecified

Ladies and Gentlemen, This is Love Potion No. 5

very funny and sweet! miscommunication at its finest ♥️

"Cas gets drenched with a mystery potion from the ‘love spell’ shelf and... Dean has a sneaking suspicion, angel or no— the spell may have taken effect. And Cas might be in love with Sam."

The Way We Were

Y'all. It is so good its a great mix of funny and serious- extremely fun to see dean as like a base bisexual

"Dean and Castiel pose as a couple to gain access to a gated community known as 'The Glen', a pleasant if secretive location that the boys believe might be linked to several dead bodies showing up over the years bearing signs of ritualistic sacrifice. All seems well until Dean's memory is affected from an incident during a solo exploration, leaving Dean convinced that their cover story is true. Castiel is left trying to resolve their case without taking advantage of an increasingly enthusiastic Dean"

While You Were Sleeping

this is basically just the movie but replacing sandra bullock with cas. this is my comfort movie and imo, one of the most perfect rom coms. the fic isn’t finished but i still have the tab open on my phone and i will straight up go back and re read it when i need a pick me up. 

aus/rewrites

The Harvelle Gospels: Offscript

i know everyone ever ( @jewishcharliebradbury ) has recommended this fic. and for good reason go fucking read it

“The Apocalypse is averted, the angels are in Heaven, and Jo is free from the threat of possession. Somehow it couldn't be farther from a happy ending.“

absolute riots

An Ineffably Profound Bond

i honestly would have put this in the finale fix it section! look. i know. i know you've been burned by crossover fics before. but this is Thee good omens/spn fic you want. its funny as hell and immensely satisfying. im weak for everyone working together tropes and that is this

"After Chuck sets 'The End' in motion, the remaining members of TFW make a miraculous escape. Not willing to waste any time, Castiel comes up with a plan to travel to one of the other worlds to try and get help from the angels there, but after a fight with Dean, it's the hunter who gets sent into an alternate universe,with seemingly no hope of return.

When a mysterious human with a heavenly weapon shows up in Aziraphale's shop, he and Crowley learn that their world is not the only one. Now it is up to them to decide whether or not they want to join forces with the human and help him save his world or simply find a way to send him home."

Somebody Up There Likes Me by @lafilleredige

cas is hit with a spell that turns his vessel into a woman, hijinks and sexuality crises ensue etc etc sam is a supportive and bitchy little brother and its all SO fucking funny and also. horny as hell i love it i love it i LOVE it

“’Dean doesn’t want to talk about your breasts, it’s making him uncomfortable because he hasn’t acknowledged the complex fluidity of human sexuality.’“

Stray Cat Strut

a long crack fic that IS one of the funniest things i’ve ever read and i can’t explain why. it’s so ooc but its so funny that i don’t care. if you need a laugh you gotta read this

"Sam and Cas are immediately in love with the adorable kitty they find outside the bunker door, and occupy their time planning how to convince Dean--who they believe is off sulking after a botched hunt--to let them keep their cat. Along the way, Dean learns to use a litter box and hears some confessions he maybe wasn’t supposed to hear, all while realizing just how much he loves Castiel.

Now all Dean has to do is convince Cas and Sam their new pet cat is actually him before they do something crazy--like neuter him!"

canon compliant or slight canon divergence

Give

by @doublestuffedimpala post season 7 episode 7, kind of ambiguous ending but truly a cas is happy to bleed for the winchesters fic

Punch Like Bones 

short, post 5x04 homoerotic moment that i wish we’d gotten

↳  ❝burn❞ dabi x fem!reader → part III

summary: touya todoroki, your childhood friend was dead or so you thought. trying to dig deep you find dabi at a local bar known for being a villain hangout. word count: 1.8k tags/warnings: flashback, bar setting a/n: now we’re getting somewhere, hope you guys enjoy!

masterlist

part II part III part IV

It didn’t take long for you to realize that things weren’t okay at home for Touya. You were a smart kid, observant. You didn’t miss how tired he looked, the bags under his eyes. The bruises that covered his skin, the burns. Whenever you asked him he would just brush it off and say he fell or hurt himself with his quirk again.

There were only so many times you could believe that. Eventually, he opened up about it. He trusted you more than anyone but he carried an amount of shame at the truth of what happened at home. His father trained him, harder than a child should ever have to train. Even when Fuyumi and Natsuo were born and got their quirks he continued to train Touya because he was still the best bet at becoming a hero out of all of them despite his quirks drawbacks.

There were many nights Touya would go to your house, climbing in your window. You would play video games, watch movies, or sometimes fall asleep beside each other. Anything that you could do to distract or give him shelter from what he faced at home.

It was only when Shoto got his quirk that Enji Todoroki gave up on Touya. It was the first year of UA. You remember him tapping at your window, tears in his eyes. He never cried, it hurt to see him cry more than you could ever describe.

It was complicated, in a way he was free from his father’s torment but at the same time, he felt so abandoned. The training and suffering he went through all for nothing. His own father didn’t believe he could be a good hero.

That night you found Touya at your window. Letting him in he explained what had happened before breaking down.

You took him in your arms and held him close as he let out all of the emotions he had stored up for years. The music you had playing softly a background to his quiet sobs. You pressed a kiss against the crown of his red hair, holding back the blooming feelings you had for him.

As he eventually calmed down, he finally spoke.

“I’m sorry.” His voice was low and raspy from crying.

“You have nothing to be sorry about, you know I’m always here for you.” You said, brushing your hands through his hair.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you.” He whispered.

“Me neither.” You said giving him a soft smile before hugging him closer.

There was nothing harder than watching Touya and what he went through during all the years you knew him and not being able to do anything about it.

Perhaps it wasn’t the best idea to look into something that the hero commission seemed to want to look the other way on but you were always one to get into things you shouldn’t. It wasn’t like you had a high rank you’d be at risk of losing, the worst they could do was take away your hero license and they were dumb if they thought you wouldn’t become a vigilante.

It was a dangerous game. You had two options, tail Hawks, and see what he was up to on a normal day. Hawks was far faster than you which would leave you struggling to keep up not to mention he had keen senses that would probably pick up on you quickly. The other option was to follow Dabi from the League of Villains, finding him wouldn’t be easy and the likelihood of him trying to kill you if he caught on was high.

Neither option was good but if you didn’t do something it would bother you. You had to get to the bottom of this.

Villains could be predictable, they had spots they liked to hang out in or make deals at. You dressed in civilian clothes, put a wig on, and did what you could to look different from your usual appearance. Waiting till night time you went to a bar that was a hot spot for villains. It was hard but you could repress the rain that followed you these days. It would take a lot of energy but it was possible and would help your cover.

Entering the bar you were hit by a cloud of smoke and the sound of music playing, the bass rumbling through the floor. This was the last place anyone wanted to be if they weren’t looking to get in trouble. Walking in you recognized a few villains right away. You carefully scanned the room as you made your way to the bar.

Ordering a whiskey neat you made your way to an empty corner of the bar, making sure to keep you back to the wall and your eyes on the entrance. You made note of the exits of the building.

Time passed and you waited, sipping your drink slowly and watching your surroundings. Some people glanced over at you but didn’t bother you. If you acted like you belonged somewhere people usually didn’t question that confidence.

The door opened and finally, you caught sight of the man you were looking for. Dabi walked in, you watched as other villains looked nervous at the sight of him. From what you had heard he was dangerous and quick to act if he felt the need to. No doubt people had learned not to mess with him here.

For a moment his gaze scanned the room pausing at the sight of you in the corner. He looked you up and down before walking to the bar, sitting down there. You watched him carefully as he ordered a drink and started sipping on it. You weren’t sure what exactly you were looking for, you doubted Hawks would show his face here and you didn’t think talking to him was the best idea.

At the same time if you missed your chance to get information from him now you might not get another chance. You could tail him home but if he caught on it would be bad, worse if you ended up at the league’s hideout.

After mulling it over you decided you should take the chance. If worse came to worse you knew you could escape if things got violent here. Standing up you made your way to the bar, placing your empty glass down before waving the bartender over for another one.

Dabi was next to you but you didn’t look over hoping to get his interest by seeming indifferent. You could feel his gaze on you.

“What brings someone like you to a dark place like this?” His raspy voice cut through the music of the bar. You looked over slowly smirking at him.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” You teased.

Seeing him this close up it was odd. You took in the dark patches of skin that covered his face, the staples connecting them to his unmarred skin. His eyes, the striking blue eyes felt familiar.

“Dabi, you bastard.” A man stepped up to his other side grabbing his shoulder roughly. The drunk man looked angry.

“Shove off.” He growled at the man before standing up pushing him back.

“Take it outside!” The bartender shouted at them.

“Gladly,” Dabi said with a dangerous glint in his eyes. He grabbed onto the man by the back of his shirt. “Sorry, doll. Another time.”

You stood there shocked by what happened. You had been so close to having a conversation with him before that man had interrupted. You let out a huff finishing off your drink. You waited a moment before following them out. You wanted to see what was going on.

Turning around the corner into the alley you could hear the commotion of Dabi and the man fighting. What you didn’t expect was the gas that had filled the small area. It must have been from the man’s quirk. You stopped breathing, hoping to stop whatever effects it might have but you were too late. You already felt woozy, your vision fading.

Blue flames filled the alley, the heat intense against your skin but not hurting you. You collapsed to the ground, falling onto your hands and knees. As everything faded to black you saw one last thing. The figure of Dabi approached you slowly, intimidating as he drew closer.

“You never could stay out of trouble, huh?” His voice sounded fuzzy, you could barely make out his words before your head hit the ground.

The breeze was soft a cool, moving through the petals of the cherry blossom tree above you. You laid across the soft grass, Touya next to you. You looked overtaking in his features as he watched the tree sway above the two of you. You smiled at how peaceful he looked.

“What are you smiling at, raindrop?” He said looking over with a teasing look.

“Trying to figure it out.” You teased. Touya let out a short laugh.

“Very creative.” He said. In one quick moment, he was over you, leaning down, his nose almost against yours. “If I didn’t know better I would say you were admiring me.”

“Hmm, I don’t know what you're talking about.” You said cheekily.

“Really?” He said leaning in closer, pressing his forehead against yours, almost brushing his lips against yours. “Then I guess you don’t want a kiss.” He said before laying back down at your side.

“Wait,” You said in a huff, pouting as you rolled to your side, leaning over him. You leaned down for a kiss but he turned his head.

“Nope.” He said as you tried again only to be dodged once again.

“Touya.” You whined. “Fine, I was admiring your handsome looks. Are you happy.”

“Yes.” He said with a smirk, his arms wrapping around you and pulling you on top of him. His lips finally met yours, softly. You smiled against him, content.

Sighing, you rest your cheek against his chest, listening to his heartbeat and taking in his comforting scent. Your eyes drifted closed, sleepy from how relaxed you were.

“Go to sleep, raindrop. I’ll wake you up when it’s time to go.” He said, his hand brushing up and down your back helping you fall to sleep even more.

You woke with a gasp, your lungs burning. Looking around you expected to be in the alley or somewhere worse but you were in your home. In your bed.

Had there been a hero nearby? Or perhaps one undercover at the bar that saw you hurt? Why hadn’t they left a note or taken you to the hospital?

You laid back down, exhausted still. Too tired to wonder what happened. You could figure that out later.

Your mind drifted back to your dream. It made your heartache it was so real. You could feel his arms around you, his lips against yours. Tears welled in your eyes. You never had the chance to kiss Touya, never had the chance to tell him how you felt and that would haunt you till the end of your days.

taglist(message to be added or taken out):  @flowersgirl02 @wesparklebitch @moon-write @strangely-charmed @ibookishqueen @tomomoni @why-so-red

shadow and bone netflix series analysis

what up besties i said as a joke that i wanted to do an analysis post on the changes made in the s&b netflix series from the grishaverse books, and then i realized i wasn't joking and that i actually wanted to do that

it's finals season, i am an undergraduate english major, i have had about five hours of sleep within the past forty eight hours, and believe it or not i am doing this analysis as a fun reward for finishing a research paper. i am putting this out here for you so you can decide if these are the kinds of vibes you want right now.

structure of the analysis will be vaguely as follows:

changes made, in chronological order (or as best as chronology i can do under the circumstances and doing absolutely zero fact checking)

analysis of change when looking at the themes of the books which will include my personal feelings

personal theories (if any) derived from the change for the trajectory of the netflix series

so, like, long post warning. also spoiler warning for the netflix series as well as probably most, if not all, grishaverse books

now let's get this baby started

alina's appearance and shu heritage

so the series starts right off the bat acknowledging alina's shu appearance and the in-world racism and prejudice she's experienced because of it, which was not in the books. however i found alina's shu appearance to be completely in line with the book's themes. alina was already isolated at keramzin and the army because of her sickliness, and she's isolated at the little palace because of her power and her awkwardness. so purposefully making her shu was, i felt, a nice world-building decision as well as a new and interesting layer to her character. also, it's always nice to see diversity in media, so i have literally no qualms with this change

in terms of the rest of the series, the grishaverse is a very politically-motivated story. there's a lot of in-universe politics that happens in the shadow and bone trilogy and especially in the king of scars duology, and i think if the series chooses to extend into/include the king of scars duology story (which, i really hope it will), alina being shu (or at least part shu) will be very interesting to see considering king of scars and rule of wolves deal with negotiations and treaties with shu han. i think also having alina be shu and someone who has experienced countless amounts of in-world racism become a saint, seeing how she and the rest of ravka navigate her identity and identity politics will be really interesting. generally speaking, i just really hope the later parts of the series really delve into alina's identity, what it means to be a saint and also "look like the enemy," and the ravkan people's mixed feelings about her

alina's sickliness/childhood relationship with mal

in the books, alina is described as thin, always having trouble sleeping, hardly ever hungry, and sickly looking because, as we learn later, of her constantly unconsciously repressing her grisha abilities. this is part of the reason she's isolated at keramzin in the books; she's sickly and awkward and no one bothers with her except mal - because they're the same age and mal is strong enough to defend her from the older orphans at keramzin. however, the show doesn't really delve into the effects of what suppressing her abilities do to her except for a few offhand lines (alina angrily saying "im never that sick" when mal suggests she say she's stick to stop from going into the fold, mentions of her larger appetite when they're on the run in the woods). instead, the show kind of flips alina and mal's childhood personalities; mal is depicted as shy and easily picked on, and alina is the protector.

i'll just say it: this change fucks so hard. i love it. i think it says such wonderful things about their characters, and i like that alina begins the series as someone incapable of turning a blind eye to bullies and someone who cares very fiercely for the people she loves (not that that isn't the case in the books - i just think this change does a great job of looking directly at it in the way that shows have to). i think it's easy to root for her, and it's easy to see how she will become a saint to the people. in addition to that, i love what this is saying about alina and mal's characters and how they grow up; that separation from alina caused mal to have to face his own problems head on in traditionally masculine ways (because that was what ana kuya criticizes him in the show for; for always running from fights and being too soft, and i think it's really telling that our first view of mal as a kid, im pretty sure, is gingerly holding a bunny which portrays feminine caregiving and then we jump cut to mal fighting in a dirty boxing ring in the first army, something gritty and masculine). masculine ways that he had to be indoctrinated into and that may not actually be in his natural disposition.

meanwhile, separation from mal meant alina no longer had to be a dominant protector, and she does not connect with anyone in the first army as strongly as she connected with mal, so she doesn't really feel the need to be as aggressive as she was as a child. however, you can see that quiet protectiveness spark up at times - notably when people other than herself are picked on, such as at the food line when she claims not to know the others in the cartography unit so they don't get penalized along with her. i do wish, however, elements of her sickliness had been emphasized a little more in the show because of grisha theory, which i will talk about in another section.

first entry into the fold

okay i will be honest. this change is probably the one that scared me the most when seeing it in the trailers, and i am kind of still iffy on it now. in the books, alina's first journey into the fold and the inciting moment for the entire series is just luck and orders. everyone in the first army has to go through the fold at some point, and it just so happens to be alina and mal's time to go through. however, in the show alina is not initially assigned to go into the fold, but mal is, and alina goes out of her way to make sure that she gets on the skiff so that mal won't have to go alone/without her. there's this level of 'choice' (or at least the illusion of it) in the show in terms of alina and mal getting onto the skiff and going into the fold; at one point or the other they both try to tell the other not to get on the skiff and just choose something else.

the thing that irks me the most is alina's stubborn "i'll make it" line that she tells mal after she's on the skiff. it screams 'fantasy dystopian protagonist' (divergent is the first to come to mind for some reason) in a way that alina never comes across in the books. alina never chooses to make her life more difficult - she's always given two terrible options and has to take the option that fits with her morals or her perception of the power she needs to surivive and win the fight. but i know the only reason alina goes out of her way to get on the skiff is because she's separated from mal, which aligns nicely with the protective nature the show has inscribed on her.

the thing that redeems this change for me is that when alina tries to get just herself onto the skiff (by burning the maps to ensure that she has a purpose there), she ends up endangering the lives of her entire cartography unit. this keeps with the theme of a whole lot of alina's later decisions throughout the books affecting so many more people than just her, and i like that this is a lesson that she learns very early on. this change also seems to be a trade out for the final entering-the-fold scene, but i'll talk about that later.

alexei

here he is, the lynchpin himself. in the books, alexei is dry and rude in a funny way with alina, and they have this really great banter at the beginning of the novel, and then he's, like, the first to get carried off by volcra. very harrowing in the book, i loved it. in the show, alexei's character is a little (a lot) different - he's naive and blunt in a silly way, and he very obviously has a crush on alina. instead of being carried off by volcra in the show, though, he jumps off the skiff and runs blind into the fold - committing what we think at the time is an act of suicide - which was extremely harrowing to see in a completely different way, and i loved it. even if they changed alexei's personality i still love him (and his death) dearly

so as previously mentioned, alexei acts as the lynchpin between the six of crows plot and the shadow and bone plot; he manages to escape the fold alive, and makes it all the way to ketterdam to tell a select few people the legendary sun summoner is alive WHICH. okay ive just decided that's my next topic. anyway back to alexei.

his death in ketterdam is awful because of the personality change, which is why i don't mind missing bitchy alexei from the book; his hopeful little "if i tell you, you'll set me free?" that pulls at your heart and also tells you immediately that he is going to die as soon as he tells everyone what he say is done so well. i also like that through treatment of alexei, we get some characterization of the crows; inej immediately gives him water and glares at the mercher in quiet rage on his cruel treatment, kaz doesn't flinch when alexei is killed but inej and jesper do. i also thought it was interesting to have the mercher (dreeson was his name i believe) to be the one to get his hands 'dirty' and actually be the one to shoot alexei because in six of crows, there is always the sense that the merchers are cruel and conniving, but that they very carefully keep the death of the poor and the grisha off their own hands. im wondering if this hands-on killing is a dreeson-specific trait, or if this more hands-on cruelty will be explored more in other mercher characters we meet, like van eck.

sun summoner legend

this change is so?? i don't really know what to think of it. narratively, it makes sense in the show to have this legend be in place so that alina's importance is immediately recognized by people across the different countries.

however in the books, no one really expected alina. her presence wasn't foretold or divine (at first) or fate in any way. she became a saint because i think in part people weren't expecting her, and once they saw what she could do, they wanted to believe in her abilities so bad they made her divine. this change was also weird to me having just finished rule of wolves where zoya (i think) reflects on amazing things that have happened throughout the story and she notes that alina was not some sort of legend that people were expecting - none of what happened was. everything that happened from alina to nina's miracles in king of scars to zoya's expanded abilities by the end of rule of wolves to the "age of saints." all of those things were just chance people being in chance situations that all slid together in a strange, amazing coincidence. they got lucky.

and i think, at the center of the books, is this kind of purposeful disillusionment of the saints and religion, what with the main character of the original trilogy literally becoming a saint and yet never truly feeling saint-ly or being perfectly divine. the sun summoner legend the show brings up seems to depart from this. it'll be interesting to see what the show does with the legend and how alina feels about it as she fulfills it, and im honestly hoping that we'll find out later in the series that the legend was actually just some poor guy a few hundred years ago making something up to give people hope.

the crows timeline/characterization

in the books, the six of crowd ice court heist happens three years after the events of the final book of the shadow and bone trilogy. but obviously the timelines are smushed together for the show to create a new and different direction for their story and also, as we see at the end of the season, a new and different direction for alina's story as well

ive also seen bardugo say that because of the converging time lines, the grishaverse story will not take seven seasons (one season per book in the grishaverse) to get through. for this reason, im thinking that the parem story/ice court heist will begin if/when we get season 2. given that parem is a big part of kos/row, i see a crows and nikolai interaction happening in season 2 that sparks a beginning discussion on parem.

but back to the crows characterization! the crows are completely in character for me in almost every way, and i found the interactions between kaz, inej, and jesper to be very in character. however kaz's plan to capture alina doesn't work out almost at all which is something that he definitely wouldn't have let happen in the books. im chalking this up to the converging timelines - these crows are baby crows. they're young, a little less experienced, and they haven't gotten their groove on heists (and they don't have the rest of their crew) yet. but i anticipate seeing more crows-classic successful heists in season 2.

there are a couple of things i want to talk about each crow, so it's subtopic time

nina and matthias

perfect. their interactions were almost always word-for-word from the book. i can't remember if matthias had actually been the one to actually catch nina in the book, but if not, then it was a nice touch. it was interesting to see that both of them were so willing to be traitors of their country for each other in the show, because even when they're in a romantic relationship outside of fjerda and ravka in the book, they struggle with even the idea of betraying their country.

i like how they changed nina and matthias' "escape" from fjerda to ravka, and how nina explicitly betrayed grisha she knew to their faces. im interested to see how they'll integrate her back into the second army, or if they even will do that. also, i like that fedyor slowed matthias' heart to make him pass out before he sees the other grisha, so it was easy to understand how matthias could've thought it was nina deceiving him all along. their confrontation in the boat was (chef's kiss), and the horror on nina's face as she realized that this situation she put him in won't be as easily solvable as she thought was just wonderful.

jesper

perfect. i love him. and the coy little hints that he's a fabrikator were so good. also the line in the very beginning where he asks for a demo man, which foreshadows wylan was very nice. the only thing out of character is one time kaz asks him to be a distraction and show jesper claims that being a handsome distraction is not part of his talents. it literally is, why did they make him lie.

inej

literally so so good. i love that we meet her while she still has her oath not to take lives; we get to see her develop and learn that sometimes death is necessary, but that she still isn't yet comfortable with killing. on some level, she never will be, and i think that was a perfect place to start her character. however, i am confused about the show giving her a brother. where is he. is he going to be important?? why is he here???? i can't even make any solid predictions about him because inej having a brother came straight out of fucking left field. here's one flimsy prediction based on nothing at all: inej's brother is grisha and is an indentured servant. may also be involved in the parem plot, or works at the white rose where nina will befriend him and connect with the rest of the six because of him. who fucking knows

kaz

i already kind of went over their disaster plan that still somehow worked out for him, but i love literally everything else they did with kaz. the refusal to show his bare hands was literally art!! we got that tease in the first episode and the camera pans up as soon as the gloves come off. that was perfection - as well as the intimacy and trust portrayed between kaz and inej without them ever touching. i also loved the hints and nudges for his story with pekka - the way he always says his name with obvious distaste, and when we see him interact with pekka for the first time on screen. how he asks if they've ever made a deal before and pekka just goes "nah" and kaz just glares at him. perfect. and i also think the show really leaned in to the soft parts of kaz that inej sees in him, especially when he basically said she (and jesper) meant more to him than any saint?? oh my GOD. i kind of like this honest departure from kaz's book "greed is my god edgy edgy blah blah" especially when he's afraid he'll lose inej. i also think it'd be funny if we hear kaz say "greed is my god" and be edgy about it with us AND inej knowing that is superficial because of what he told her. that would be hilarious.

pekka, tante heleen, per haskell

these three aren't part of the six, but they are part of the original six of crows story and i still wanted to talk about my opinions on them, so they're going here.

i fucking loved pekka, how ruthless he was, and his irish accent. that was wonderful. because of how fucking hands-on and brutal he was, though, i wonder if they're going to keep the jakob hertzoon piece of kaz's origin story the same, because this pekka was so good at being violent that it was hard to picture him even pretending to be a benevolent benefactor to orphans. he is a dilf, though. i am not afraid to admit that.

my only problem with tante heleen is that her actress looked too nice. like she might bake me cookies and offer me a ride home from school. total milf as well but not in the scary sexy way that she was in the books. she had smile lines, she was so dainty, she seemed so genuine. i want to see her be a little more cruel.

per haskell, the actual gang leader of the crows, is not in the show at all. it seems as though the show made kaz the official boss of the crows while he is only second in command in the book. this makes me wonder how they'll handle or if they'll even include that fucking awesome scene in crooked kingdom of kaz earning the gang's trust over haskell. it would be weird to introduce per haskell in season 2 when he wasn't even mentioned in season 1, but it wouldn't be altogether terrible considering the crows spent very little time in ketterdam this season. however, this makes me wonder if, when kaz was away on his little saint pilgrimage (i am calling it that specifically because i know it would piss him off) someone else stepped in as "boss" of the crows. in the show, kaz also leverages the deed of the crow club in order to be able to take inej with him, and presumably the jewels alina gives him will solve that problem, but what would happen if any of the crows find out he made that deal? would he still have to earn the gang's trust back in a show of power and respect like in crooked kingdom? much to think about.

mal

back to the shadow and bone story, ive already briefly (not really briefly) gone over mal characterization alongside alina, but i want to mention how the show includes his perspective alongside alina's and how important that is. the shadow and bone trilogy is told entirely from alina's perspective, and alina is in some ways an unreliable narrator. she tends to think of her relationships and feelings as one sided unless her friend/love interest is looking her in the eye and telling her exactly how they feel about her. the one exception is genya, and that sort of bites her in the ass until it doesn't, but i digress. the point is, the only mal perspective we get in the books is alina's perception of mal, and the bonus content of the "lost" letter he'd written to her while looking for the stag in fjerda. granted, that letter says a lot about mal and how he feels about alina, so if you didn't take the time to read the letter when reading the book, chances are you weren't so hot on mal unless you have sexy critical reading skills like me (or just really love the childhood best friends to lovers trope).

getting all the gritty, messy details of how hard mal is trying to get back to alina in the show makes him so much more of a sympathetic character than he may have seemed at first glance for the majority of shadow and bone from alina's perspective. the show really stresses that the bond alina and mal have is mutual and powerful, and i think that's fucking perfect, actually.

this point was really driven home during the episode we see that mal has a matching scar on his palm that is related to alina, just like how alina has a mal-related scar on her palm. that scene in the brig was so good, especially when they ask each other what they're in for, and alina says "the usual," and after a pause, mal replies "the usual" as well. he could be lying because he knows she would feel bad if she was the reason he chose to stir trouble to go to the brig, but he could also be saying that he usually actively chooses to be sent to the brig for defending alina or because alina is usually already there and he wants to be with her. knowing that and then seeing alina have the scar on her palm erased was. fucking devastating (in a good-ish way), and im kind of hoping alina either chooses to have the tailoring removed so she can see the scar again or injures her hand in a mal-related injury so they can match again :(

i have more to say about mal, but i'll save it for the grisha theory/amplifier section

the darkling

overall, darkling portrayal was very spot on, but i didn't really like how he just. gave alina his name so early on. in the books im quite certain he doesn't give alina his first name until the third book? regardless, he doesn't give it to her until they've fought and been enemies for a while. theoretically, kirigan giving his real name to alina so early could be a manipulation tactic (like his moments of 'vulnerability' and 'weakness' with alina in the book), especially because we lose that 'heart to heart' by the campfire after the darkling rescues alina from the fjerdans where alina first starts to see the darkling as human.

i also thought it was interesting that alina kisses kirigan first - in the books they're actually having a serious discussion (i can't remember what about, but when she realizes the darkling is Not Good, she remembers the first time they kissed as a thing he possibly did to distract her from thinking her own thoughts), and the darkling interrupts her with a kiss sexy enough for her to forget what's going on. the show however chooses to do a girlboss she-can-move-on-if-she-wants-to moment which is pretty cool and let's be honest, if you like men and ben barnes is right in front of you giving you Sexy Eyes a whole lot, you are going to want to kiss him. that scene where they get interrupted during a steamy kiss, and they laugh and kirigan leaves the frame just to rush back for one last kiss? that nearly fucking converted me. that was really sweet actually. the show does a fantastic job of showing how captivating kirigan's interest can be.

last note about the kirigan for this section - isn't kirigan the name of the guy who owns the guilded bog for nikolai in kos/row? i can't be sure because i don't have my book with me and i refuse to look up information when i have gone this entire post without looking anything up, but if his name isn't kirigan it's pretty fucking close. i don't know what that means, but i don't think bardugo is the type to name characters similar names for no reason. we'll know for sure if/when the guilded bog is introduced.

zoya

most of zoya's portrayal is really in line with her character and her development throughout the shadow and bone trilogy as well as king of scars and rule of wolves. i think the show did a great job of showing how zoya was in the darkling/kirigan's favor for a while before alina arrived and how she resents alina at first for causing her to not be the darkling's favorite anymore. in addition to that, knowing we find out she is part suli in row makes her casting so much better, and i like that we get to see a little more of her personality in the show than we do in the book shadow and bone. of course we see more of her in siege and storm/ruin and rising, but it's nice to have her become a sympathetic character through the knowledge that she has family in novokribirsk and that she purposefully mans skiffs to see them before she fully sides with alina.

the one thing that made me. just confused was zoya calling alina a "half-breed" at the little palace?? it was so out of place (that particular part of the insult; im pretty sure the other thing she said was very much exactly what she said in the book. some insult about orphans i think), especially knowing that zoya herself is a "half-breed," so that didn't make sense to me.

however, i was glad to see alina immediately embrace zoya as an ally - because she knows from the start of zoya's alliance that she had family that kirigan killed. in the books, alina's parentage is not at all important, and their deaths are never specified to matter, but the show points out from the very beginning that alina's parents were swallowed by the fold. i think this makes alina's immediate compassion and forgiveness of zoya make sense, and it was also very sweet and a little funny to see alina pull zoya into a hug that she so obviously does not expect or want to express as something she wants. it was perfect.

east vs west ravka civil war

i don't have much to say about this except it makes kirigan's actions at the fold seem a little better. not great, not by any means, but knowing that the leader of a growing coup was right on the other side really cements in the idea that kirigan is doing this for what he thinks is the greater good of ravka. im pretty sure in the original trilogy, there was also some tension between east and west ravka, but none of it comes to a head until the events of kos/row. great set up for future ravkan tensions in future seasons.

david and genya & fedyor and ivan

before we get into the last meat and potatoes of this post, i want to talk about love because it's a little bit of a break. take this time to stop reading, stretch, relax your jaw, straighten your back, drink water, etc. you've been here a while. you deserve it

okay so first fedyor and ivan. in the books, fedyor and ivan are just bros (i don't even remember them ever really interacting?) but in the show it is heavily implied they are dating. this is so funny to me, and i love it so much. especially because ivan was in a het relationship with marie in the books (but because the show kills marie off before she dies in the books, obviously that is not happening), so they really just decided that ivan and fedyor were gay for seemingly no reason. except i think ivan died on the skiff during the final battle in the show which is kind of a bummer because he lives through to ruin and rising and has an... interesting arc. fedyor, i think, dies in the battle of the little palace in siege and storm, but i wonder what they'll do with this relationship in next seasons. maybe fedyor will take ivan's place as grieving boyfriend with ptsd, but im not sure. i honestly don't even know for certain if ivan dies in the show, so we'll see.

as for genya and david, i would just like to point out the little hints of mutual affection. in the books, it's kind of implied that genya had feelings for david first and he didn't realize his own feelings until after she's scarred by the darkling, but in the show we see david actually looking at genya during the winter fete! like looking, appreciating the view! i loved the show choosing to include that small amount of mutuality, and after finishing rule of wolves it definitely made me feel some type of way. david and genya. i love them, they're perfect.

grisha theory/amplifiers

we're nearing the final stretch in this post, however, i have a lot to say about grisha theory and amplifiers, and i also have a lot to say for the battle of the fold so this "final stretch" will probably be. a very long stretch.

so obviously because of the nature of books and narrative writing, there was a lot of space within the shadow and bone book to go over the grisha theory alina was learning at her time in the little palace in great detail, however in the show we hardly even get any grisha theory at all. the little we get is actually from the apparat. im not sure if we get anything from bhagra. i don't even think we get the phrase "like calls to like" which is the most basic piece of grisha theory throughout the entire grishaverse.

i am definitely. bitter about this. i obviously didn't want huge long meditations on grisha theory in the show, but pretty much the whole time alina was at the little palace, i felt like she had so much time free time to wander around the palace, hang out with nadia and marie, daydream about mal and kirigan. don't get me wrong - those are all valuable activities - but i feel like it missed the point of alina's time at the little palace. she felt isolated there; yes, she had nadia and marie, but she couldn't share with them everything she was going through because she didn't want anyone to truly know how difficult mastering her abilities were. and because she was so isolated, she throws herself into grisha theory, especially during the times in which she can't summon her abilities by herself. this is when she learns about why she's been so sickly her whole life (because she has not used her abilities, and grisha derive some form of life force and energy from using their abilities), all about amplifies, and other really cool world-building for grisha abilities and culture. instead, it was difficult to tell (at least for me) in the show if the palace and the little palace were even different places while in the books the little palace was such a whimsical, ancient, and magical place for alina compared to the gaudiness of the main palace.

the collar

anyway, complaints about architecture and alina's subpar theory education aside, the little bit of grisha theory we get is from the apparat when he talks about ilya morozova and the three amplifiers he was attempting to make during his lifetime. when the apparat is describing amplifiers, it almost seems like amplifers - not just morozova's inventions - are super rare in the world of the show. amplifiers are relatively rare in the books, obtained by only some of the most powerful grisha (zoya, ivan, alina), but they still exist. from what we've seen of zoya and ivan, they didn't seem to have amplifiers on their person, so it looks like alina is unique not only in getting an amplifier from one of morozova's beasts, but also in just getting an amplifier in general, which is a little weird.

EDIT: thanks to @laelipoo for pointing out that zoya is actually shown to have what looks like a tiger’s tooth embedded in the skin of her wrist in the first episode! so okay this shows that powerful grisha still have amplifiers in the world of the show, but this probably suggests that instead of being pieces of jewelry like in the books, they act more as body modifications, which is really interesting. if im not mistaken, ivan’s amplifier is a necklace in the book, so maybe his show-amplifier would’ve been embedded in the skin of his chest. regardless, i’d still like to see more discussion on how amplifiers in the show work - which, now that we know zoya most probably has an amplifier, we might get to see with her becoming more prevalent of a character in the projected arcs of the show (both shadow and bone trilogy as well as kos/row)

i can't remember if morozova was ever referred to as "the bonesmith" (i feel like he has been, but not in the way the apparat refers to him in the show), but i feel as though that was a kind of. foreshadowing for how we would see the stag amplifier work later in the show. in the book, the stag's antlers are a literal collar around alina's neck that remains there until she loses her abilities, so the metaphor of being "owned" by the darkling is definitely there. it never stops being there until she loses the ability that makes her his mirror and his tool. however, in the show we definitely. do not get that.

so i've seen some people say that they hate the design of the stag collar, and i cannot say i was a huge fan of looking at it myself. but that just really cemented in the fact that kirigan forcing the collar on her is a complete violation of her body and her agency. the fact that the bones erupt from her skin and that her skin looks irritated where the bones puncture through her skin just reinforces the idea that this fusion is not natural and is not supposed to be pretty because kirigan taking control of her in this way is really really terrible actually. in addition to the collar, the show also gives kirigan a circle of bone embedded in his hand - which, hand versus collar, who has the most agency in this situation, his hand is quite literally around her neck, etc - but i feel like they made this change so that non-readers could see and understand the mutuality of the amplifier in a physical manifestation because the show doesn't expand on that theory at all.

i really liked that the show kept the reason for alina gaining control of the amplifier being her connection with the stag before kirigan killed it because that at least is consistent with the theory in the books, especially with the expansion of that same theory in kos/row with zoya's connection with juris and how true use of an amplifier requires mutual connection, understanding, and suffering between the grisha and the animal.

i also thought that the way the show portrayed alina taking back control of her power with the stag's horns absorbing into her own bones was a really effective way to show that the power is hers now, and that it is a part of her. however, i wish the show had kept some evidence of the collar because of how it quickly became a piece of her iconography in the books as well as a symbol of her power. seeing as how alina stabbed the circle of bone out of kirigan's hand (very sexy girlboss moment), i wonder if kirigan will still be able to control her abilities. if he can, i hope that any time he uses her abilities, the horns emerge from her skin again as a visual signifier that alina is being violated and that her own power is being used against her. OR even at the times in which alina uses kirigan's power against him (like if the show depicts the conclusion to the battle of the little palace where alina uses the darkling's merzost) to have the horns come out of her skin to show that she is reinforcing her bond with him. both would be really cool.

alina and mal

okay so in ruin and rising we learn that not only are alina and mal bffs and in love whatever, but also that they've been drawn to each other because mal is actually the host to the last of morozova's amplifiers. and then alina looks back at the times in which she's felt the most powerful or when they encountered morozova's beasts, and she realizes that all of those times coincide with when she had important moments with mal. this reveal is huge in the series, and without the build up, i fear it might seem like it would've come out of nowhere if the show chooses to go in the same direction.

for example, alina and mal in the book only find the stag after they kiss for the first time. however, in the show they don't kiss. they don't even move mal's "i see you now" speech to right before they find the stag. it's simply a jump cut to alina and mal in the forest looking at the stag. they might be talking, but i don't think it was an 'important' moment for them.

however, they've been setting mal up as a better-than-average tracker since the very beginning with ana kuya asking him specifically to hunt for dinner. mal also admits that when he saw alina's power come from the tent when kirigan is testing her power that he heard a 'high-pitched tone' and somehow intuitively knew that it was her or something like that. he also tells alina that he'll always be able to find his way to her, no matter what, which is really romantic of course, but it is also part of their connection as one of morozova's three amplifiers and the girl who will possess at one point in time two of the three amplifiers.

i also think that the scene in ruin and rising when alina kills mal for his power is supposed to directly mirror the scene in the shadow and bone book where alina tells mal before they find the stag that she wants him to kill her before she can be caught by the darkling; part of the reason she feels strongly enough to ask this is because she understands grisha theory enough to know what the darkling's plans for the stag and her are. when she's protecting mal and the stag from the darkling, she begs mal to kill her. but he doesn't. and in ruin and rising, when they're out of options during the final battle, mal tells alina to kill him. and she does.

but without alina asking to be killed paired alongside the lack of intimate mal and alina moment before they find the stag, i wonder if the show will be heading in the same direction as the books in terms of mal's status as the last of morozova's creations, or if they'll decide to do something different.

battle of the fold

i think the most obvious difference in the battle of the fold is that kaz, inej, and jesper are like. just chillin on the skiff. additionally, zoya is on the skiff (her presence there was discussed in the zoya section), and mal is not a prisoner in the skiff like he was in the book - he snuck on. for the six's presence on the skiff, i don't mind it and i actually like how they participate in the battle (inej throwing a knife into kirigan's chest and nearly ending his shit right then and there was something we always wanted but did not know we wanted. same with zoya and inej bonding during a fight), but the change in mal's freedom status on the ship is a little more complicated.

in the books, the darkling lets alina and mal spend one last night together (with bars between them) before whatever happens on the fold. i can't remember if he tells alina that he plans to execute mal in the fold, but regardless it becomes apparent that is his plan when he throws mal overboard, on the edges of alina's sunlight, and begins reigning in the sunlight so that mal will be consumed by the fold. it's the fact that mal is in danger that alina manages to gain control of her power once more, and she saves mal. the group of dignitaries from the various nations are still on the ship when she makes her escape, and she uses the Cut - a form of summoner ability that she has never used before and has only ever been used by the darkling. she makes the terrible and difficult decision to let the dignitaries die in the fold alongside the darkling, because she believes it's a worthy sacrifice to make, and she and mal escape together.

i think this sequence of events would've tracked really well in the show with how alina had previously been depicted as mal's protector, but the show chooses not to have alina save mal and kill the dignitaries. instead, the show has kirigan kill the dignitaries and also has mal have a homoerotic fist fight with kirigan which is. not exactly not in line with themes the show has put on, especially with how mal and kirigan have interacted before in the show.

in the books, we don't see mal and the darkling interact without alina as a buffer, and so a fistfight between them in the battle of the fold in shadow and bone wouldn't have made narrative sense and would've just ended up feeling cheap. however we do see mal and kirigan interact without alina in the show - when mal is showing kirigan where the stag is and kirigan learns alina's favorite flower through mal, and when kirigan gives mal that petty little speech about how he'll get alina eventually while mal grows old and dies.

there's an interesting phenomenon in certain kinds of love triangles; most of the time you see love triangles in the classic sense of Person B and Person C both being in love with Person A, who has to make the choice between B and C. however, that's not a true love triangle - there also needs to be a connecting factor between B and C. and, in most cases, that connecting factor is the ritual of masculine homosocial rivalry. so when applying this kind of love triangle to alina, mal, and kirigan, we see that both mal and kirigan have feelings for alina, but they also have a connection to each other through their rivalry, which is as much about rituals of masculine conquering (whether the person they are wanting to conquer is alina or the other man is a very interesting question to which the answer is yes) as it is about being the person alina loves.

do i personally like the kirigan/mal fight in the fold? no, i would've much preferred to see alina rescue and protect mal. however, i do recognize that the fight makes narrative sense within the show, and it was really funny to see kirigan get his shit rocked by mal's bare fists a couple of times. i would say i hope he's been humbled by the experience but we all know that's not true.

also remember when i mentioned that kirigan is the one who kills the dignitaries here instead of alina leaving them to die? and remember, way back in the beginning when i said that alina inadvertently getting her cartography unit killed in the show may have been a swap for some deaths in the battle of the fold? alina being excused from the deaths of the dignitaries in the show but responsible for the deaths of her cartography friends at the beginning is what i was talking about. like i said way back (or maybe i didn't say it but im saying it now), it makes narrative sense. i get it.

however, i think the choice not to have alina perform the Cut on the skiff when she regains control of her power is an interesting one. because, in the book, that was an ultimate show-off of power (even if it was a terrible moment for alina). no one else but the darkling can perform a Cut, and as soon as alina forcibly takes control of her power from the darkling she uses his own signature move to leave him for death? that's a power move. that's irony. that's a physical manifestation of alina being able to adopt and take advantage of some of the darkling's power and use it against him, which is definitely a main theme in the book as it happens every single time alina gets close to defeating him and also when she actually defeats him.

so the Cut is really important, and i want to see in what other situation the show might have alina perform a Cut of her own against kirigan, or if they'll even include that aspect of reclaiming of power. i really want them to.

conclusion

so what have we learned? i think, first and foremost, we have learned that i have so many opinions and should learn how to be sweet and concise with my words. we have also learned there were a lot of changes between the grishaverse books and the series, and these were only the changes that i remembered off the top of my head having watched the series almost a week ago and having reread the books over the past few months.

in addition to those things, we have learned that, in my academic opinion, many of the changes made to fit the story into the screen were positive changes or, at the very least, changes i am interested in seeing develop. in the end, i am just a fan, and regardless of what season 2 may throw at us, i trust bardugo's decisions because she has never let me down narratively before, so i'll probably end up loving things the show ends up doing because i am, at my core, a simple sort of person.

i had a lot of fun writing this all up, and i hope this super long post was informative or entertaining in some way. thank you so much for reading<3<3<3<3

Traitors of Olympus IV: Fall of the Sun

Forty-Eight: Calex

A Punch of Home

              After Calex shot Python with a split arrow of desire and abhorrence, he figured he would die the most respectable way for a hero: falling flat on his face off a two story shield, screaming swears that would make his hooligan cousin blush.

           All he could remember from the fall was thinking about how dumb it had been to stand on the edge without any sort of net or rope. Then the world had gone white.

           When he first heard voices, especially considering what they were talking about, he thought he was dreaming.

“Wait, are you dating Anubis or Walt? Are you dating two guys?”

           After months in the states, he had finally become accustomed to waking in an unfamiliar surrounding with foreign accents. That’s why he was so surprised when he heard a crisp British accent responding, “No. And yes? Anubis is inside Walt’s head.”

           “And babe, I thought I had problems.”

           Calex’s body felt heavy, like he’d run a marathon while giving Frank Zhang a piggyback ride. The room smelled sterile, like he was back in his mother’s clinic. Someone had a hand clutching his tightly.

           That’s when it hit him: this was the first time in months he’d woken so calmly. No nightmares. No panic.

           The British voice continued, “Oh, us special pharaoh children have all lost our minds, what with the voices of gods in our heads.  Some people say it’s because of the incest in our lineage.”

           Calex really wanted out of this chat. He tried to roll onto his back and only managed a grunt.

           “I think the teddy bear is up,” someone hummed beside him. The grip on his hand loosened. He could hear water splashing into a container. The familiar scent of black tea gave him the strength to blurrily open his eyes.

           Merry smiled down at him. When she leaned forward to inspect him, the scent of her shampoo mixed with the bitterness of the tea: something sweet and raspberry. The sunlight trickling through a window made the auburn in her hair more prominent and her honey skin glow. She wore a clean Camp Half-Blood T-shirt.

           Her face had deep bruises. Two pieces of medical tape were stretched across her cheek.

           She waved a cup of tea under his nose, like a wake-up elixir. Her smile was playful, but didn’t stretch as far as it normally did.

           “Merry,” his words came out as a croak. He tried to smile back, and found half his face hurt to move. “How did I deserve to end up in Elysium?”

           “Wow there, Teddy Bear. No Elysium for you yet.” She set the tea cup down to squeeze his hand again. His gut wretched to recognize the extent of her bruises. “Just setting a world record on making an anti-worrier worry. You’ve been asleep for roughly twenty hours.”

           Twenty hours? Calex’s eyes widened. He glanced around the room. He was on the floor, in a sleeping bag. Merry knelt beside him. On Merry’s other side, someone else was tucked into a sleeping bag with strawberry blonde hair spilling across the pillow.

           Calex breathed in relief to recognize Kally.

           The IV stand beside her made his stomach twist further.

           On Kally’s other side, someone was burrowed in a ball in their sleeping bag—presumably Pax. Last in the corner was a sickeningly pale figure with wires sticking out of its mouth, like a Frankenstein contraption. Another IV stand loomed there, making Calex think about Kakata.

There was a chair at the foot of that sleeping bag. A disgruntled middle-aged man sat in it, reading a book with a pistol in his lap. Dr. Howard Claymore didn’t look up once as he turned the page.

           Before Calex could roll to look at the other side of the room, someone appeared beside Merry and smacked him across the face.

           Calex made a muffled sound. Getting assaulted first thing when you wake up was unpleasant. Maybe worse, Calex felt the skin on his forehead crack. A scab he didn’t know he had busted.

           “You, Calex Rupin McKenzie, are the thickest bloke I’ve EVER met!” a tiny blonde with pink streaks in her hair exploded at him.

           Calex wanted to give her a proper greeting of, “How do you do? Please piss off,” but he was stumped with the strange sense that he knew this girl.

           Merry wasn’t reacting like the girl was a threat. She looked more amused as she moved out of the girl’s way.

           The name popped into his head. “Sadie,” Calex said, stunned, “Sadie Kane.”

           She was obviously several kilometers ahead of him on the think train. “Yes! Sadie Kane. Do you have ANY idea how much you’ve freaked out Gretchen and your dad? They both think you’re dead! Since we were kids, I always assumed there wasn’t much a brain behind that stupidly handsome face, but, seriously! How could you be so thick? Not a word? Not one bloody phone call?!”

           Calex’s mind was scrambling. Sadie Kane. He vaguely remembered it. Before they moved to St. Albans out of London, his little sister, Gretchen, was in the second stage of her primary education. She had three annoying little schoolmates, Sadie, Emma, and… Liz? Was Liz the one that almost fainted every time he walked in the room? Or was that Emma?

           But that had been years ago. Gretchen only saw Sadie every few months, and that had become sparse to almost nonexistent since—

           “Emma and Liz gave me a ring and told me to check on Gretchen. And here we have the Jerk of the Year all fine and well—”

           “Uh, Lady Sadie, dude still looks like he was stampeded by a pack of Party Ponies,” someone said. A hand appeared on Sadie’s shoulder to pull her back a little.

           Calex could see Leo’s crazy hair sticking out. He didn’t look amused when he made eye contact with Calex. The glance turned into a frown when his eyes trailed to where Calex assumed Pax was curled into a ball.

           Calex’s wanted to vomit. Gretchen? His Dad?

           Another sight made Calex’s stomach pitch even further down, potentially proving it had stayed with Kaos when the rest of him left.

           There was another occupant in the room behind Sadie and Leo. The person sat in a chair by the door and a small table. Despite being chained to the chair and gagged, the sight still gave Calex shivers. The boy was probably 15 with a blue-tipped Mohawk. His burgundy dress shirt and leather vest were covered in dirt and dust. Blood soaked his right pant leg and one of his eyes was swollen shut.

           Lapis Pax flicked Calex off in greeting as best he could with his restraints.

           Before Calex could panic, Sadie huffed, “He’s about as dangerous as a piece of lint right now. I’m the one you need to worry about.”

           That could only mean one thing: Sadie, Leo, and Jason must have successfully rescued Hemera from Lapis. Eris’ plans must have crumbled.

           But, if they put Calex and his friends in the same room as Lapis, that also meant…

           Calex glanced at the other side of the room. Axel was passed out in a sleeping bag beside Calex. On his other side, there appeared to be a mini garden lot. After a moment of scrutiny, he could discern Euna’s form, curled up on a mound of moss and flowers. Kronos’s scythe was tied tightly to her hand with vines.

           In that far corner, there was a shuddering, towel-covered bird cage.

           Other than Euna, everyone was unarmed.

           Calex swallowed to finish the thought, If they put us in the same room as this crazed bloke, they still don’t know if we’re allies or enemies. Leo and Sadie are probably here to keep us in cue. They should have been over this ally vs. traitor thing, right? Though, Calex had just helped Euna steal a piece of Kaos, and, judging by his lack of nightmares, he guessed—and really hoped—she’d used it to fight Phobetor. Was God murder illegal?    

           “Gretchen and Mr. McKenzie had to move in with your granddad and nan since they couldn’t afford the flat in St. Albans. At least they had some closure with Mrs. McKenzie and Tom.” Tears rimmed Sadie’s eyes and Calex felt the emotions that he’d repressed for months threaten to crumble him. “But your body was never accounted for. All they heard was your other, daft granddad ranting that you’d be taken by an angel.”

           Your body…

           Calex could hardly breathe. With Tiwa and Tom slowly succumbing to death and the nonstop madness that ensued, Calex hadn’t though as much about what had happened to his living family. Just that he was ashamed of facing them after he abandoned—

Calex swallowed and corrected himself. Not after he abandoned his Mom and brother. After he tried to save his family from an inevitable fate. His biological father, Eros, and Axel had reminded him he wasn’t a coward for failing and running from something as unstoppable as Death.

           Still, how could he forget what that would do to Gretchen and Winston? He really was that thick? Shame clogged his throat.

Calex focused on the one good thing in that rant. “Grandad’s alive?” his voice shook.

The idea of that crazy old man poking him out of bed with a walking cane and an anecdote about how laziness doesn’t bring prosper…

           Tears streamed down Calex’s cheeks. He didn’t realize how bad they were until he felt Merry’s hand clasp back over his. He tried to keep them quiet, but a hiccup choked his throat.

           “Maybe you’d know that if you’d have given them a call!” Sadie snapped, though, her anger seemed to break at his demeanor.

           Calex wished her anger wouldn’t go away. He deserved her rage and so much worse. “Oh gods, I missed their funerals,” he choked. The hole in his stomach felt like it was expanding to encompass his whole body. If it kept going, there would be nothing left of him.

           “Hey,” Merry said. She raised a hand towards Sadie that Calex knew to be threatening Shut up, or I’ll have you doing the hokey-pokey. Gently, she pulled Calex up and dragged him against her. Calex burrowed his face into her skin and let the sobs go. He’d been holding so many for so long, mad at himself and at Death itself. Now, he could just be sad Tom and Tiwa weren’t here and never would be here. With Sadie around, everything felt more real. Someone who knew his parents and siblings personally. Someone else cared—really cared—that two wonderful people had left this world to go to Elysium.

           “Teddy Bear,” Merry hummed into his hair. “We had a lot going on here. Remember? Getting kidnapped by Santiago. All our quests. Being on the run. From what I heard Thalia say, you’ve even been busying yourself with two different Underworlds.”

           “That doesn’t matter,” he mumbled, thinking of Gretchen sobbing as she and Winston went through his, Tom’s, and Tiwa’s stuff as they left the flat Winston and Tiwa had been so proud to live in with their combined salaries. Their home. How Gretchen and Winston’s life would have been collapsing around them, losing their family, their home, probably Gretchen’s school.

           “I know it doesn’t make it any easier,” Merry whispered, her own voice breaking. “But, we can’t change what we’ve done in the past. We can’t pretend it didn’t happen. We should let ourselves cry. But, we can’t get consumed thinking about what we could have done differently. We need to focus on what we can do in the future. And, you, your sister, and your dad will still have a future together.” Her tone took on a distant quality and Calex could feel her shake.

           Calex was horrified to realize he hadn’t asked about her quest to save Percy’s little sister from Hiro. Had he really been that dense all over again? He didn’t know if Merry succeeded in rescuing the baby or if Hiro had given her those bruises. He’d even forgotten, in all his stupidity, that Merry didn’t like to be touched by men.

           Calex choked back some of his sobs and tried to withdraw.

           “Uh-uh,” Merry said, clutching him tighter, “You’re staying right here. I need a Teddy Bear, too.”

           Sadie cleared her throat. Her voice was quieter and gentler. “They had memorial services. Last I heard, your granddad was quarantined in Kakata, but, I’ll admit, that was a bit ago.”

           Calex managed to twist away from Merry a little, to see Sadie’s expression. Her face had puffed up from tears. Leo turned away from them, awkwardly toying with some wires in his lap. Mr. Claymore hadn’t looked up from his book, but Calex also noted that he hadn’t turned a page during the whole conversation.

           Calex had expected Lapis to be rolling his dark eyes. Instead, he saw Lapis’ eyes were also red rimmed. His hands had tightened into fists. If Lapis could have cast magic with his gaze, his glare would have melted Merry from existence.

           “I need to head back to Brooklyn House, but you’re making me a promise before I leave. Once you get all this nonsense sorted, really, by the end of the day, you’re going to contact Gretchen and Mr. McKenzie,” Sadie informed him.

           Calex tried to speak. At first, his throat felt too thick. After a few swallows, he managed, “I’ll do you one better. By the end of the week, I’ll also make sure I can see them in person.”

           Merry flinched.

           Calex pulled one hand out of his sleeping bag to squeeze her shoulder. “I’m not gone for good, but I need to do this.” What exactly, he wasn’t sure. There was no way to make up for disappearing without explanation. Despite Merry reminding him about all their trials, he could have called. Hell, he could have written them a bloody letter in that timeframe.

           “Thank you,” was all he could find for Sadie.

           His heart was still a torrent of emotions, but—if he was really leaving Camp Half-Blood soon—he needed to keep it together a little longer. Calex sat up, taking most of his weight off Merry. He hadn’t realized until then how much she’d been struggling to keep them both up. Any longer, and they likely would have collapsed back onto Kally’s sleeping bag and this wasn’t that kind of slumber party.

           Sadie huffed, rubbing the back of her hand under her eyes. “Look at you, Mr. Calex McKenzie, thinking you’re so important. You’re not the only one in here that I need to chat with.”

           What she did next made Calex blink, wondering if he was dreaming or if Sadie was a total lunatic.

           Sadie stood up, withdrew a can of Fancy Feast from her pocket, cracked it open, and set it beside Axel’s sleeping bag. She took a step back, folded her arms, and tapped her foot impatiently.

           Leo spun back around, grinning. He stood beside Sadie, and Calex couldn’t help but think there was a bit of malice in his grin.

           Their leader was flopped on his face, sleeping much more peacefully then Calex had ever seen. Axel’s tufted ears were visible at the edge of his sleeping bag. They twitched.

           Calex was about to say that the Fancy Feast can seemed a bit rude when Axel rose in a very feminine, un-Axel like stretch. He made a low purring noise that Calex had never heard him make.

           “Mmm, Sadie, you do know how to provide a balanced breakfast,”[1] Axel said. When he sat up, Axel winced and touched his chest. When the sleeping bag slipped down, Calex could see bandages stretched across the skin and a blood-soaked blotch towards the center. Axel looked quite pleased. “That was quite a close call. I’ve never had someone literally rip my host out of me before.”

           Axel reached out to pick up the can of Fancy Feast.

           Sadie and Leo exchanged a glance.

           Merry made a face.

           “Mate,” Calex said, “No.”

           Even Lapis coughed a laugh into his gag when Axel started chomping down. Giggles erupted from the balled form of a supposedly sleeping Pax.

           “You two… know each other?” Calex asked, glancing to Sadie and the bizarrely acting Axel.

           Sadie sighed. “I do tend to know everyone important. But no. I know the goddess that’s highjacked your mate’s body. One that was supposed to leave once we got the battle sorted.”

           Axel licked his lips, then the back of his hand, using it to wipe off the rest of his face and behind his ears.

           By now, the laughter from Pax’s balled form was unrelenting.

           “Dude, this is great!” Leo cheered. “We should have brought a camera. You think the Romans will be scared of the Leonis Caput if they see this?”

           “You should know, napping and hygiene are sacred for cats,” Axel said, “It’s not a joking matter.”

           “Bast, drop him,” Sadie chided like Axel was a mouse the goddess had proudly kidnapped. “He doesn’t belong to you. He’s not even Egyptian.”

           “I’ve told you before. I’m a cat; everything belongs to me,” Axel said with a coy grin.  

           Some of Calex’s anguish cracked. He couldn’t help but choke back a laugh. This was the weirdest thing he’d ever seen, and he was a demigod. That was definitely not his mate and he could only image how Axel would feel when he found out what was said or that he’d demolished a can of cat food.

           “Besides,” Axel—Bast continued, “He is still a cat, at least in some manner, so he does belong to me, as he is part of my domain. And…” Axel raised one hand to stroke his goatee, then rolled his fingers across the part of his chest that wasn’t covered in bandages. “I’m very fond of this host body.”

           Axel held out his hands and admired his missing claws with the same fondness a Jersey shore girl might admire her nails.

           Someone cleared their throat from the doorway.

           Calex felt his jaw drop. Even Merry jumped.

           Will Solace stood there in a long doctor’s lab coat with a stethoscope around his neck. He looked exhausted. Dark circles encased his eyes and he was pale. In a towel bundle in his arms, mewing kittens squirmed.

           “Hi,” he said with a tired smile.

 Thanks for reading! I hope you guys enjoyed! Stay tuned next week for another Calex chapter, Not Enough Lollipops.

[1] Yes, it’s cute that Riordan has Bast eat Fancy Feast. But this is not a balanced diet for your kitty.

♛┈⛧┈┈•༶to protect our district ༶•┈┈⛧┈♛ chapter II

I II III IV V VI VII

ceo!hwang hyunjin, mafia!stray kids, mafia leader!hwang hyunjin

masterlist

a/n: when you reach the end, please let it be known that i didn’t mean to be a big mean dumbass and leave it the way it is;;; but truth be told i’m not sure how reader’s gonna get themselves out of this one. enjoy!! mwah    ʕ； •`ᴥ•´ʔ i am tired..it’s 1 am;;; i hope u enjoy babes

warnings: angst, death and gun mention. threats of murder          

༶•┈┈⛧┈♛ ♛┈⛧┈┈•༶ ༶•┈┈⛧┈♛ ♛┈⛧┈┈•༶ ༶•┈┈⛧┈♛ ♛┈⛧┈┈•༶

“I don’t mean to interrupt,” Jisung cut in, “But we’ve just met today, how are we supposed to function as a team?”

“He’s right,” Chan added, “How can we be expected to work well together when the only thing we know about each other, are our names?”

Hyunjin didn’t miss a beat. “We have twenty four hours and counting,” he said lowly, “Either you spend that time worrying, or you get done what needs to get done.” Hyunjin slid a wall to reveal an armory, throwing you a gun. “Figure it out.”

You held it in your hands, letting it rest upon your lap. “You don’t actually expect me to,” you paused, “actually kill someone, or multiple people?” You examined the sleek black metal, letting your fingers run along its coolness. “Because I can’t,” you added, “I can’t kill someone.” Everyone shot you a look of concern, almost like they wish you hadn’t said anything to push Hyunjin further.

“Do you want to die?”

A silence spread across the room, when the rest of the team didn’t even dare to flip a page through their file. “Do you want to die,” Hyunjin said louder, “Because I can arrange that. For you, or for anyone else in this room. We all have roles to play, roles none of us chose. That nine on your neck is a promise, and a threat.” And you went quiet, staring at a machine that only brought death and misfortune. “Do you understand?” he looked at you, his eyes slightly glassy, fingers tapping the side of his thigh, “Tell me, do you understand?”

“Yes.”

“Yes, what?”

“Yes, Hwang Hyunjin.”

And before the team could waste another moment, there was immediate discussion in the room. Plans already have been formulated, ideas bouncing off the walls. Changbin walked over to you, explaining where you had to be set up. “You see,” he pointed at the building’s roof, “That’s where you should be stationed. It’ll be high up, so the others won’t be able to see you.” You looked over at the picture of the building. “But it’s a hotel,” you mentioned, “It’d be easier to rent a room. If the feds found out, it would be harder for them to sweep the floors compared to the roof.” He nodded, immediately pulling out a pen to do some math and calculate the best room. He spoke again a few minutes later, scribbles of math and circles decorating the picture of the hotel, which was now unrecognizable. “You need to be on the eighth floor,” he explained, “On the furthermost right side of the building. You’re gonna have to figure out how to take the shot without being seen on your own.” He looked up at you, taking of the black hat he was wearing to fix his hair, and gave a soft smile. “If it comes to that, of course.”

 Hyunjin flipped through the file roughly, in frustration. “It doesn’t make sense,” he said, “They’re the same age as us. Are they also taking over their parent’s roles?” Chan nodded, and pulled a picture of a boy just slightly older than Hyunjin himself. “It looks like he’s the leader,” Chan explained, “So you’ll probably be speaking to him.”

“What about the others?” you asked from across the room, “Are they all the same age as us too?”

 Chan looked at you, unsure of whether he should tell you the truth. “Yes,” he answered, “They’re around the same age as us.” Chan continued to explain information about the Woojin’s father, explaining what they did and what they ran. Turns out that Woojin’s father also ran a business, but instead of a corporation like Hyunjin’s father, he ran a casino. Supposedly, it made it easier for illegal gambling to be kept under the wraps. “Gambling,” Hyunjin scoffed, “What an empire to be built upon.”

 Comments like those meant you had a hard time stopping yourself from teasing Hyunjin. You understood that things had changed tonight, he was no longer your friend. He was a leader, and he had to be respected. But it felt stiff and uncomfortable, like you were walking on eggshells around him. It had only been an hour, and yet it felt like you hadn’t been able to talk to the real Hyunjin in forever. If this is how it would be the rest of your life, then you didn’t want to ‘fulfill your role’ as the Hwang men had said. You kept assembling and disassembling the gun Hyunjin had given you until your fingers were sore.

“We’re gonna try to negotiate with them first though?” asked Jisung, “Because if we shoot so will they.” Jisung seemed to voice a concern that everyone in the room had, and with that question everyone turned to look at Hyunjin. There was a steady tapping against Hyunjin’s own thought before he answered. “Of course,” he comforted, “This is just in case. Last resort. We have to be prepared for everything, one step ahead of them.”  

As the dawn’s sun rose and shined eagerly at the newly formed team. But you were too busy to notice. Chan was going over the plan again, making sure, double-checking that there was no room for miscommunication or mistakes. “Jisung and I will follow as back-up with Hyunjin,” Chan said again, “Changbin, you’ll watch the streets, the skies and look for anything suspicious. ___, you’ll be stationed in room 0325 and wait for Jisung’s signal. If things go awry, I need you to take all the necessary shots and then come to help us. Jisung, if things go wrong, escort Hyunjin off the premises. Changbin, have the car ready and make sure we’re not being followed.”

“What if they ask you to put down your guns,” you asked, “what then?” “We make sure they do it first,” Hyunjin answered, “We’re not going to let them dominate the situation. We can’t let them have the upperhand.”

“Hyunjin,” you added, “What are you going to say? How are you gonna avoid a conflict?”

 That’s when he smiled the type of smile that made your heart stop. You weren’t sure if he knew that he was making your heart tighten, or if he could here how fast it was beating. “Let’s meet back here in two hours,” he clapped, “You guys can go.” The boys nodded as they made their way out of the room, rubbing sleep out of their heavyset eyelids. “How do you know they won’t sell your information?”

“I bugged them.”

 You choked on air and made a bewildered face. “How, why, when, what?” you rambled, “Did you bug me?” He shrugged, leaning against the door frame and crossing his arms. “I don’t know,” he said smugly, “Did I?” You were about to smack the back of his head when Mr. Hwang appeared, his scorned face illuminated by the growing sun’s light.

 He gestured for the two of you to take a seat as he entered the room again. He sat, fixing his tie in the uncomfortable silence. It grew and grew until it suffocated the both of you, so much so that when Mr. Hwang finally spoke, it made you jump. “I hope that whatever relationship the two of you have,” he said as he leaned in to make stressful eye contact, “Doesn’t get in the way of the establishment the Hwang family has built. The same empire that Hyunjin is taking the reigns of.” You nodded, trying to get back in Mr. Hwang’s good graces.

“Of course, I-”

Mr. Hwang cut you off with a dark look. “Hyunjin, you may leave,” he ordered, “now.” Hyunjin shot you a worried look and made his way out the door. You watched him pitifully, miserably, as you were left in unfamiliar territory. Because Mr. Hwang wasn’t just an apex predator, he was a beast, a monster. You wouldn’t want to be in a room full of people if he was in it, much less an obscure room in his mansion, all alone.

“I’m only going to say this once, so listen carefully,” Mr. Hwang said lowly, “You mess up, in any way, shape, or form. I will kill you myself. If I find out that you are clouding Hyunjin’s judgement. I will kill you. And not only will I kill you, but I will make Hyunjin watch the entire time.”

 He laughed and smiled brightly, fixing the golden watch that rested on his wrist, and winked at you. “It’s none of my business what you get up to in your free time,” he added, “Unless it concerns the kingdom I’m passing down to Hyunjin. Then, it’s every man for himself.” He got up and patted your back, smoothly making his way outside the door. He opened the door quickly and chuckled as he watched Hyunjin stumble slightly. “You’ll get better,” he comforted, “Soon.”

You slid down the couch and groaned. “It wasn’t that bad,” you said, “Don’t be nervous.”

“Who said I’m nervous?”

You pointed at his hand. “You’ve had that tick since we’ve met,” you smiled, “It may just be the death of you.”

He laughed, taking your hand and holding it to his heart. “Nah, I think you’ll be.” You smacked the back of his and glared at him.

“Shut up, pretty boy.”

He frowned, stretching his legs onto the coffee table. “You know,” he said, “I was about to apologize for being a dickhead, but you’re making me regret it.” You turned to him, confused. “Why?” you asked, shrugging, “Things are different now, I get it.” His hand twitched again, and you thought he was gonna hold your hand, but he just pulled his hand back to his side.

“I’ll see you in a bit.”

As you got ready for the first assignment, your mind lingered. The truth was, as much as you hated to admit, the feelings you had for Hyunjin could get in the way of the team. It wouldn’t cloud Hyunjin’s judgement, you were sure, but yours? Not so much. It hadn’t been an issue until these past few years, and now, as these feelings grew more urgent- the more you realized how helpless the situation was. You couldn’t repress the feeling you had, but you also had no choice. You couldn’t act on it, the conversation you had with Mr. Hwang made that very clear. Soon you’d have to call Hyunjin, Mr. Hwang, too. You grimaced at the thought. But nevertheless, all the little moments you’ve shared, all the almosts that kept you up at night. They were gone. They had to be if  you wanted to be a key functional piece in your machine of a team. But what scared you the most, was not loneliness, not your death. But being the reason someone else had died, imagining someone dying- and you having to take that body in a count, having that follow you for the rest of your life. You could not play god, no matter what role you are being forced to play. Because sooner or later, someone will play god with your own life.

And soon the time arrived.

You moved silently, the team had decided to move separately. You settled into the hotel room, brushing your hair out of your face and set everything up. It was a lot to carry, and you were almost relieved when you had to assemble everything. You were surprised at yourself, your fingers steady and smooth. You leaned the nose of the gun outside the window and stared through the magnification piece. You listened intently to the walkie-talkie that sat upon your collarbone. Hyunjin entered the meeting area, with Jisung and Chan following closely behind. Changbin and his car was nowhere to be seen in the area, and you trusted that it was a good thing. Through the windows if the building, you watched as another group of men entered the building. Woojin, you presumed in the front, and behind him, two boys you recognized from the file you were given late yesterday night. Your heart began to hurt as it’s beats increased exponentially. Sweat began to grow on your back, as you realized, all of you were kids. You were born into this life, denied a choice, a life. Choice, you knew nothing about.

But fate, destiny? You knew too well.

“Hyunjin.”

“Woojin.”

“Put your guns on the floor.”

“Ladies first.”

You heard the hesitant clatter of weaponry on the floor.

“Are you here to negotiate?”

“Are you?”

“I am. Under one condition.”

Your breath hitched, finger less than a second away from the trigger. You steadied your breathing, listening intently to the conversation, watching Jisung’s body language closer than you have ever paid attention to anything in your life. But instead you heard Hyunjin laugh.

“Are you in any position to limit me to conditions?”

“No. But neither are you.”

There was a pause, and you could feel yourself starting to worry. The panic beginning to surge through your veins. But you wouldn’t mess this up. Not on choice. Not on fate. Not on god.

“So, why don’t I propose a condition, hm?”

“Go for it.”

“I know you have an assassin ready to shoot me from one of those windows up there. How about we bring them down, have them kill each other? A small price to pay for unity.”

This wasn’t part of the plan, the rest of you had never talked any of this over. Hyunjin hadn’t even made any new suggestions when Chan was going through the final plan. None of this had been talked over. Your hand was sweating, making the trigger slick and wet. You watched as Woojin’s face contorted and he whispered to both of his associates.

“Agreed.”

“Shoot to kill?”

“Shoot to kill.”

medic hcs

Em made a big hc post for heavy a few days ago [here] and ive been meaning 2 finally do the same w/ medic bcause im gay

note: while i try to be brief about the details, this post is about a gay jewish man in Germany during wwii. to set aside any initial worries, no, he is never kept in the camps- as a jewish person myself it sickens me deep in my stomach to even think of that possibility. but there’s still mentions of n/zism and antisemitism, as one would expect.

also, a fair amount of the details of my medic hcs for his childhood are based on the german side of my family, primarily my grandfather and his father. while i still only know a little about my family history[tm], details like medic’s last name, how his family were able to lay low, etc, are based on the little bits and pieces ive heard from my grandmother #antisemitism #nazism #homophobia #transphobia #satanism #long post #text heavy #tf2 #gore text #medical abuse #malpractice #experimentation mention 

-Medic was born roughly around 1925- he’s in his early 40s around when the game takes place- to the name [redacted] Reichstein. the Reichsteins were reviled in their little town as mad doctors, which was at least somewhat true- they certainly weren’t shy to experimentation on body parts and [willing] subjects. but a good part of the hatred for them stemmed from Good Old Antisemitism, focusing their hate on the fact that they were an openly jewish family and saying that that must be influencing their occasionally morally dubious behavior

-for the longest time, though, people tolerated them- they were the only doctors around, after all. but as time went on, the disgusted glances turned to hate speech, turned to violent threats, and eventually, to violent actions.

-medic’s father, who had long since been debating on moving, finally packed the family up[against his wife’s wishes], and within a night, their home and lab were deserted.

-his father could tell that something terrible was coming. he brought down an ultimatum- they would have to abandon everything jewish about themselves in order to survive. medic was young, still, and didn’t fully understand the severity of why his father seemed so adamant that they never mention holidays they once celebrated, why their old family photos were torn and burned, why his mother was constantly reprimanded when her Yiddish roots showed through her accent

-medic’s father pulled a few favors, and before they moved into a new city, the family name was changed to Reich- a more acceptable, more German name. Reichstein could raise eyebrows, lead to questioning about jewish roots, but there have always been many Reichs in Germany.

-that’s also when Medic got his birthname changed to Ludwig, and he and his mother had to fight like hell for that. his father argued that the last thing they needed was another target on their back- if anyone found out that his son “wasn’t really a boy”, then that would bring the entire family under scrutiny and into danger.

-ludwig refused to take no for an answer. ludwig had always been someone who would rather die than pretend that he’s something he’s not, and this was one of the first signs of that. while he didnt fully understand his connection to judaism, yet, and thus didnt fight to keep it at the time; he DID understand that he wasn’t a girl, and by God did he refuse to pretend otherwise.

-eventually his father relented, though he never once forgot and throughout medic’s childhood, he would bring up how risky it was, how medic was potentially endangering them all.

-to clarify: his father DID technically accept his son being transgender, but he wanted him to repress it, ignore it, force it down and never bring it up, much like their jewish heritage. ludwig refused, and his father never liked that. [when ludwig grew older and became both openly gay AND became a practicing jew again, his father nearly had a fucking heart attack]

-ludwig was heavily isolated for most of his childhood after they moved, partially due to the war’s beginning, partially because his father was afraid of his son giving something away. he was homeschooled by his mother, and rarely left the house, instead spending most of his time playing with the family’s cockatoo, or in his father’s operating room, learning human anatomy

-this isolation[alongside his autism, and veritable cocktail of mental illnesses] helped contribute to medic’s general inability to understand how to interact with people- he is oblivious at the best of times, has no concept of personal space, rarely catches social cues, and has Awful attachment issues. he is overly affectionate with anyone he is even vaguely friendly with, he tends to ramble and talk about uncomfortably personal things without realizing its a bad thing, etc, etc, he is a mess and a half

-he does understand bits and pieces- for example, if he’s physically affectionate with someone, they tend to tense up, and try to get away from him, which means he’s doing something wrong. the problem is that he doesnt understand WHAT he’s doing wrong, or why it’s wrong[answer: he’s covered in blood and bird shit and holding at least one[1] human liver]

-speaking of physical affection, the first time engineer affectionately puts a hand on medic’s shoulder medic fucking freaks out because aside from his parents, NO ONE. no one has ever initiated Friendly Physical Contact with him. usually because theyre freaked out by him in some way. he has no idea how to cope with the fact that someone might actually think of him in a friendly manner to the point of expressing that physically [aside from sexually, which is a whole other story and a half]

-but im getting ahead of myself. the first time ludwig killed a man was when he was 17. a nazi soldier paid an unexpected visit to the Reichs. ludwig, scared for his family’s sake and overwhelmed with a boiling hatred for nazis that had simmered for all of his childhood, killed the man

-his father reacted violently, ranting that now they were doomed, but his mother helped ludwig destroy the body and evidence. by the grace of God, no other nazi followed up that visit- the soldier hadn’t told anyone where he was going, and there had been no witnesses to his visit. and germany was so chaotic at the time, that eventually the man's death was attributed to a previously unnoticed casualty in battle

-that was the first man ludwig killed, and also the first of many, many nazis. he spent a good stretch of his adult life hunting down nazis who had gone under the radar, trying to hide their past ties while still keeping the same disgusting views.

-as ive mentioned, in medical school, ludwig not only became openly gay, but returned to his jewish roots. no longer under his father's roof, and now that the war was over, medic saw no reason to hide aspects of himself any longer. and God help everyone who felt otherwise. especially once the most violently hateful dissenters, began to mysteriously disappear.

-throughout his adult life medic has had Multiple short term, non-serious relationships [including more than his fair share of one night stands], and maybe two serious relationships prior to heavy. neither of those ended well, citing ludwigs mental Fuckery as a big issue. speaking of, his mental fuckery has helped him get into at least a couple abusive relationships, which i wont detail beyond "he survived and healed".

-while he is Jewish, he is the kind of jew who criticizes god every step of the way. at least part of this is due to having to survive during the Shoah.

-the Shoah definitely fucked his mind up. the constant fear for his parents and himself, and the burning hatred for the nazis and everyone who agreed with them or stood back and let them take over, and just overall a horrible sense of helplessness, definitely contributed to a lot of his future mental fuckery, and to his feelings about God. as an adult, and as a doctor, he took the feeling of helplessness he had as a teenager, and flipped it around dramatically- if god didnt help him then, he’d have to become better than god. he would bring retribution where others didnt, and bring power and life to those god would not help.

-he sold his soul to satan sometime around his mid-30s. [this is a sentence that sounds really fucking weird if u dont know much about tf2.] there are a few reasons behind that, but im only gonna talk about one:

-as i've said, medic spent a lot of time murdering nazis who had tried to go into hiding. that's difficult when theyre trying very, very hard to cover up their past. medic struck a deal with satan- in exchange for the names, aliases, and locations of ex-nazis in hiding, he would kill them and send them straight to hell. his soul was just to sweeten the deal.

-ludwig does a Lot of experiments on captured and dead nazis, especially the painful ones. the ol' "removing a patient's skeleton" story was of a nazi officer medic had caught, and medical licence or not, ludwig would do it again in an instant

-medic's flock of homing pigeons, stolen from a wedding van, are like family to him. the original, stolen generation had more pretentious names, as named by their previous owner- mostly well known scientists and philosophers[Archimedes, Newton, Nietzsche, etc]. most of the pigeons he named himself have biblical, jewish names [Mordecai, Elijah, Rebecca, etc]

-ludwig is absolutely never prim, proper, or orderly. if he is wearing a coat that DOESNT have blood and bird shit on it, wait 5 minutes and check again

-he has a tendency to hyperfocus on something and forget things like "humans need food and water to live". heavy usually helps him remember

-medic snores. loudly. and it sounds fucking awful. heavy is, sadly, a very light sleeper. it takes a loooong time for him to finally be able to sleep through medic's snoring, and it winds up being one of the only things he actually CAN sleep through. god help you if you step on a creaky board halfway down the hall, though, because heavy will wake up in an Instant

-if tf2 were in modern times, ludwig's music taste would include a Lot of kesha, klezmer music, black metal, and so on. its varied, is what im saying

-medic, pyro, and soldier all get along surprisingly well together, because they all have a case of "same brain? same brain!", all of them have issues dealing with other people and have problems with processing/understanding things, have trouble w/ psychotic episodes and the like, overall their minds are all wired oddly but somehow they can understand /each other/

-scout accidentally becomes medic's unofficial adopted daughter and thats a whole post and a half on its own. suffice to say medic would do anything for her

-engie, demo, and medic are all Science Gays

-medic also does his best to help demo with his Absolutely Massive Amounts of Trauma and Self Loathing, by at least being a supportive shoulder to lean on when demo tries to drink himself unconscious to forget it all. hes absolutely terrible most of the time at actually saying anything to help, but he can be a good presence, and he has birds. birds help anything

-he has a very casual fling going with spy, since early on in their time at the base. its usually in a state of "on-again off-again", with the latter usually having something to do with how spy acts with scout.

-obviously theres a lot i could say about heavy and medic's relationship, but to put it briefly- theres a loooong time where both of them are "i dont understand social interaction" gays.

-medic is the "i literally dont understand how to act around people im attracted to or that me being extremely overaffectionate around you is due to the fact that im falling in love with you, i dont catch your vague hints towards the fact that you feel the same about me because you literally need to hit me over the head with something in order to get me to catch onto it" gay

-heavy is the "i have spent so many years repressing so much of myself and keeping quiet and not drawing attention to myself, that i physically cannot bring myself to be up front about the fact that im attracted to you. im also afraid of misintepreting signals and i am instead going to assume your over-affectionate attitude is platonic and i am misreading things" gay

-eventually they figure things out and its good and soft and gay

ok its 3 AM and ive been writing on this for at least an hour and a half and i told Em i would go to bed by now dhgfkhhj 

speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep

its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot. 

I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,

its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time

and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So

and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore. 

and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him

when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack

and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird

n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that

i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk

and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!

and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself 

all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right

idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary

sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy 

time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind

ok so i dont care if im spamming my personal shit bc this is fucking tumblr & i need to just talk abt things

so im going to talk abt my best friend audrey. i havent had a best friend since around 7th grade (I’m a graduating senior this year) & my overall friend group has been really unstable & changes a lot, so I didn’t realize it at the time, but I haven’t made any deep connections in high school and it’s kinda sucked. Pair that up with me being super insecure because everybody talked about me behind my back in middle school and literally nobody outside of my group of 5 friends could stand to be near me (which I only learned around 2 months ago & it’s fucked me up so much, especiallyl because i was so oblivious & for all i know the same thing could still be happening), so I’ve felt very isolated and alone without realizing it for basically all of my scary developmental years. & then this new girl comes to school, and I meet her a the beginning of senior year! & she’s so wonderful and we click so well and after knowing each other for barely any time i felt so close to her and I was essentially drunk off of finally being close to someone again and she was all i ever thought abt bc i loved spending time with her so much! ((that sounds weird and obsessive but i promise im exaggerating i just kinda accidentally started idolizing her and absorbing her mannerisms bc thats what i always do)) & following my stupid fucked up pattern for people im clsoe to, i was all over her for a few months then i started doing that isolating thing and i convinced myself that her & the rest of my friends barely tolerate me (it didn’t help that this is senior year & shit actually did happen w two of my other close friends so my friend group is shrinking rapidlyl and i dont want to put effort into roping it back together), so I became really unhappy without realizing it bc i repress everything and i literally have so much trouble processing and actually feeling what’s going on around me . thats where my problems with derealization come from, because it crosses the line into literally not being able to say if im awake or in a dream, or if i exist or not, so how the fuck would i be able to know if i was happy or unhappy? im realizing tonight that ive been actually, truly depressed for an indeterminant amount of time, and that really scares me with the whole bipolar issue bc ive figured out that i cant live life without control. i need independence and control over my entire sense of self or i can’t cope, and its super unhealthy but its the only way i know how. and if im bipolar like im starting to believe i might be and like my therapist thinks is a definite possibility, then kind of by definition that means that i don’t have control, over my actions or my moods or my life, especially if it’s bad enought that i need medication. and judging by just how bad things have been recently, right when i start being able to feel my emotions without automatically shutting them down (so I’m feeling them to the full extent that i shielded myself from, in other words), i don’t think i can succeed, or even survive, on my own if this is what my daily life becomes. I’m losing my control right before I’m really going to need it, right before i turn 18 and go to college and actually need to take care of myself, and I’m so anxious about it that I constantly feel like I’m going to vomit, and like there’s a dumbbell sitting both on my chest and at the bottom of my stomach. when I repressed everything, i was always relaxed. i literally could not make myself stress or feel bad about anything, which is super unhealthy, but now it’s like i can’t make myself not be stressed, and i can’t reverse it!! I’ll try to feel like I used to because not feeling is so so so much easier than feeling, but it’s like I’ve forgotten how!! 

anyway part of the reason my relationship with audrey is so good and so bad is bc it’s super hard for me to actually talk to her, because I always struggle with guilt because of how easy my life is compared to my friends. feeling like i have things better than anyone makes me feel so guilty that i want to die, which is probably a part of the depressive episodes, so I’ll go through periods where I’ll talked to audrey but i literally wont’ say anything to her bc i feel so guilty about how much she has to deal with, and then it’s like we aren’t even friends anymore and its 100% my fault because I consciously pull away and just think about dying for a week or two and convince myself that i dont need or deserve any friends or anyone to talk about the issues im having with. when i actually do share things with audrey, i lover her even more, because she never makes me feel guilty for having things she doesnt, and she always reminds me to that im trying to be conscious of the differences in our lives, and she always makes me feel so good about myself because that’s the kind of person she is. she’s been through so much more than most people, and I don’t even know a lot of the details about her life. its amazing though not just because she went through it--it always pisses me off as a trans person when people tell me i’m “brave” just for living and transitioning, and i know she would feel the same if i thought she was amazing just bc she’s survived so much. but she’s amazing for how she deals with it, mostly. you can tell she has a lot of problems coping but she still always makes an effort to make people feel included, and to better herself, and to be fucking kind. I’m always so amazed by how kind she is and how little she deserves all the shit that life throws at her, and I dont say that to her bc it’s always uncomfortable when people tell you that, but I’m really starstruck by her. i very often just start thinking about what a genuinely caring, selfless person she is--not like me, who does everything because of the reaction that I anticipate from other people. when she’s kind, you can just tell that it’s because she wants to be kind and doesnt care about the consequences. she is a good person far deeper down than I am and its amazing to see that at work. I’ve actually been standing up for my beliefs and saying something when I think someone’s in the wrong just because I’ve been around her and I’ve seen her do that 

but the worst thing is that we met so close to the end of graduation. we just found out we’re all staying in the area next year but with my habit of suddenly dropping people for no reason, I can’t guarantee we’ll stay close, and that makes me so so sad because I genuinely think the more time I spend with audrey, the better a person I become. it’s hard to balance because I also make all my bad decisions with audrey because we fuel each other because w’ere so similar, so that makes it hard to. (haha we’re both geminis after all, and i dont believe in astrology but the idea that two geminis always have short, intense bursts of relationships, so they’re hard to make last, seems super accurate for us, and I’m afraid that tha’ts whats going to happen) 

anyway I’m just typing a lot because dear audrey gave me an adderall to take so i could last the night & not die, and it’s more than I normally take, so my focus on this post is so intense, and adderall makes you rambly anyway. it’s good to take a lot every once and a while though because just thinking things through in this focused, controlled but optimistic and basically unbiased outlook that adderall gives you can be super helpful--typing this out has actually been pretty similar to my therapy sessions, except nobody has to ask me questions and prod at what I say to interpret my thoughts. damn i hope i can get a prescription because i feel like this is exactly how people who can actually ge their work done and not drift off constantly feel like, and I feel like now that I know how adderall feels and how homework is actually feasible when I take even a small dose, like half of a 30mg pill, I can’t expect myself to keep fumbling through my academic life once it costs 20k per year, and when I’m not on adderall, I’m always, always fumbling and confused, no matter what I’m doing. I feel like I’m just realizing how much I need it, and the people around me aren’t as surprised because they’ve always seen it, because it’s literally always been there, but they just assumed I was disorganized and spacey, and when I say “I think I have ADHD,” theyre’re jsut like “oh, I never thought of that but now that you’ve said it I absolutely believe that, I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.” It’s inhibited me enough in my life, especially in school, that in my freshman year all of my teachers called my parents in and told them to test me & my sister for ADHD, and the only reason it never happened is because there was a miscommunication and my mom thought the school had screend us for free, when me & emma have never ever seen a doctor about it 

things are jsut bad rn bc it’s like i stand on both edges of a really small planet. on one side is the adhd stuff, and the realization that if I get treatment, life could be a lot more possible for me than I ever knew it was possible to me. on the other side is the emotions that I’m not able to repress anymore (maybe it’s the bipolar vs the adhd, maybe not--again, not diagnosed, and definitely not self diagnosing). these emotins that I’m actually starting to be able to process are a lot worse than I ever realized they were, and it’s promising the opposite of the adhd side--that things could get much worse than I ever knew they could get, and that they’re already headed that way. 

sorry for making you all scroll past this thing, but it’s been really helpfulto be able to sort my thoughts out like this. I definitely feel like i just prepared myself to make progress in my therapy session on friday, at the very least. maybe things can actually be ok after all

i just finished watching the mask you live in bc it showed at a school nearby recently but i couldnt go bc of the play but its on netflix and if anyone has netflix.... def watch it

like throughout the whole thing i was thinking abt how first of all it all made sense and how upsetting it is that we socialize men to repress any emotions and desire for intimacy, but throughout i kept thinking it was weird how much i related to it?? like im not a man but i ended up feeling a lot of the same things the men in the movie did bc of my family and environment growing up

and a lot of the men interviewed talked about how they had one role model in their life that helped them become more connected to their emotions and who modeled good behavior and gave them a way to connect to others and ive always known my dad was that for me... like without him i would be significantly more fucked up than i am today, like all the times ive thought of su*cide the only thing that stopped me was thinking about my dad. 

and he told me a few times about how glad he was that me and my sister werent boys because he wouldnt know how to raise sons or how to treat them... and at the time i was like lol wouldnt you just treat them normally?? but a few years after that i was trying to write something about a guy and his dad and i realized i had no idea how men were supposed to relate or interact with each other?? like its so ingrained in our society and into my dad that it even affects me. and even now i dont really know how to react when a two older men have a really intimate emotional moment because its rarely ever modeled. and like if its a problem for me it must be even worse for my dad

but i know my dad has that problem because his dad was either never around or when he was he would drink and abuse him, mostly verbally and emotionally but every once in a while physically too... and he always felt more attached to his mom who he felt like he could open up to a little bit if not all the way. but even now he has problems expressing his own negative emotions and usually just channels it all into frustration or anger and thats a problem hes always had... but it made all the difference to have that connection to his mom because he was able to make a connection to me and my sister and emotionally engage with us and thats really what saved me

and just. the guys in the movie all reminded me so much of my dad and im so glad he was able to resist the way he was pressured growing up because not only would he have turned out so much worse if he hadnt had my grandma to listen to him but i wouldnt even be alive today if not for him. like the only way ive stayed alive to this day is because i feel like my dad cares about me and loves me and if i didnt have that id have nothing. hes always been sensitive and open and empathetic to me and my sister, even when hed brush me off for stuff hed still come around eventually and really listen to me and engage with me. 

the same time he told me about how he never wanted sons he also told me that when my mom was pregnant he bought a ton of parenting books that all said that you had to be sensitive and empathetic to your child and that the stuff he read always stuck with him. and to think that hes able to do all that despite never having had that kind of connection growing up makes me so??? i dont know. i just love him so much. and tbh even if me and my sister turned out to be sons i feel like my dad would be strong enough to raise us just as well

This song has great meaning to me through symbolism. When I was younger, I would have frequent nightmares of being a male soldier in a war, scrambling out of the way of bombs, having a near death experience. It reoccurred a few ways, but always left me very shaken when I woke up. Being impressionable and still finding my way in faith, I thought this was some way God was telling me I should be in the military. What it really was, is probably how I've always felt akin to soldiers, having no other representation to relate to about my trauma. I've always felt like my life was a war. I believe I also have a repressed military and or solider alter, somewhere, because of this. That's what initially had me listening to it, on repeat. Though this song is originally about humanity and war, for now, I will go in depth about this song and how I relate to the lyrics to this beautiful song as a system. "We laid our names to rest Along the dotted line We left our date of birth And our history behind" This first stanza of lyrics speaks of losing all sense of identity in general as they become one in a sea of many, possibly being condemned to death. To me, this is losing all sense of identity as the first split happened, otherwise to be condemned to death. "We were full of life We could barely hold it in We were amateurs at war Strangers to suffering" These lyrics put emphasis on how young and inexperienced the soldiers were, how ignorant they were in what they were doing, splitting. For me, it put emphasis on how young and inexperienced we were when the split happened, how we had no idea of the grand scale of suffering to come in the next two decades. "We made our families proud But scared at the same time We promised we’d be safe Another lie from the front lines" This stanza has dual meaning for me, how I made my literal family proud at a cost, to split to be someone I wasn't to please them. All the while I'm lying through all my self destruction that I'll be fine, I'll be okay, I'll be safe. But moreso means how I made my fellow systems, and the ones who actually love me, my families, proud, but scared, for taking the journey into recovery and taking those first steps, signing up to what I knew would be hell between myself and myself. I had let a lot of those I loved in my life when I entered recovery that this may not be easy, that this could be life changing and difficult for me. That I could relapse, that I could not be myself entirely. "Our backs against the wall We’re surrounded and afraid Our lives now in the hands Of the soldiers taking aim" This describes the fight between my alters and I have had all through my life and now with my recovery, how they only thought they were doing what was right, just like many soldiers. One example, Alice for instance, when she abused pills thinking it would help us stay in control more than it would hurt us. That the risk would be the reward. "Firefighters," as I learned in therapy, as they are called, often times try to fight the feelings of system littles and their flooding, usually in impulsive and seemingly self destructive ways, even though they usually do have the systems best interest at heart. "Our questions ricochet Like broken satellites How our bodies, born to heal Become so prone to die?" I love love love how this is applicable to the previous paragraph and DID coping as much as it is actual war, how the body thinks this is what is best for it, for the greater cause. Its a question Ive pondered many times myself about myself, war, mental illness, suicide, and just humanity in general. Like with humanity's denial of climate change, as one example. To me, this paragraph is symbolic how a coping mechanism like DID turns negative once you have survived the trauma impacting you, and the dissociation can become more a hindrance than a help. How the body splits to survive, but at the same time, some of us have alters that can want to end the bodys life for many reasons. "Though time is ruthless It showed us kindness in the end By slowing down enough A second chance to make amends As life replayed, we heard a voice proclaim "Lay your weapons down! They’re calling off the war On account of losing track Of what we’re fighting for" This stanza I always see as though time was ruthless to me for a long time, I am finally bein delivered kindness, as myself in the epiphany moment I had realizing again both with Lance as I realized he's here to help me, not hurt me, and then again with Morgue and the moment my attitude started to change. I had repressed learning this with Lance the first time, brushing it off as denial, that he must have been a product of a trans thing, not that he was a male alter trying to help me uncover repressed masculinity. It was me having a crucial truce with myself that would change my life forever. I can see all my alters putting down their weapons at one another with open eyes, realizing we are all here for the same reason, we lost track what we were here for in the first place. This is me calling off the war as I entered recovery and stopped hating all my alters so much despite being so scared, the epiphany moment of choosing to start to love them instead. "So we found our way back home Let our cuts and bruises heal While a brand new war began One that no one else could feel" This was me when I finally put ten years of denial behind me upon first questioning if I had DID, and made the call to enter therapy; the battle of surviving constant fresh trauma was over, but a new one began in the therapy chair, in my own mind. This is my alters all slowly showing themselves to me and coming to my conscious state, coming "home." "Our nights have grown so long Now we beg for sound advice," Me finally admitting how tough this has been, and seeming help for it. 'Let the brokenness be felt 'Til you reach the other side There is goodness in the heart Of every broken man Who comes right up to the edge Of losing everything he has'" A therapeutic practice in DID recovery is usually to have all your alters come forward, get to know them. That while it seems bad finding more of them, you have to fully recognize how dissociated you are before you can have them all integrate, if that is what you choose. I compare the word "broken" to how I felt not knowing I had alters, feeling so lost and one dimensional almost. Undecided to who I was. And while I still struggle with that sometimes, now that I know my alters more, I feel more whole and fuller than I ever have. That "brokenness," is in reference to the pain Ive carried of all my trauma I have compartmentalized, unable to feel it so I could survive. Ive got to feel it and work through it to get to the other side that is healing. This stanza is a reminder that there is goodness inside of all of us that were forced to do things they didn't want to in order to survive. There is goodness in every one of us that has alters that do things the core isn't happy with in order to survive. (For the record, I think comparing people who don't choose integration to broken people is very problematic, and inaccurate.) "We were young enough to sign Along the dotted line Now we’re young enough to try To build a better life" This last stanza has a very powerful ending to it, bringing everything full circle. How we were young enough to split, but its never too late to built a better life for not only myself instead of more trauma, but also within my own identity. To choose to love than hate them. Ironically, I'm at this stage of my life when I first heard the song. I heard it before I went on my trip to see my lover, and it resonated with me for a reason I couldn't figure out. Through the whole song I had very vivid imagery that kept me coming back to listen to it; there was a pulling there until I had a realization on the way home. It was the middle of the night and I sat on a pitch black bus with only moonlight to guide me. As we passed by the buildings of Virginia tech, I started to cry. This song sang my life.

Testing IV

The sun was setting before him. At least he wasn’t watching it alone. He was literally surrounded by dozens of bodies behind him. The long, bold, and unevenly-serrated knife was soaked in blood just like its wielder. He stood before the open window, watching the warm orange hue sink beyond the desert before him. The sound of the blood dripping around him, pooling below him, it was eating him away. When he felt the blood upon his clothes and skin slowly dissolving into him, he knew that he had to make changes to the sceneries within his life. Death, it was the single word which defined his existence. That was up until now, for he had heard that a a new meat had come into his field of work. This was a sign. A key to retire. The only problem was that the only way out of this lonely pit of blood pool was to make a pact with the devil’s secretary. The notorious Administrator. She had offered him immunity from his previous employers. It was a dicey offer to take, but due to the choices he had made--the jobs he had taken in order to survive in this dog-eat-dog world--had left him with only two choices: death or to live the rest of the remainder of his life working for this Administrator. The grip upon his knife loosened before slowly slipping onto the sticky crimson pool below him-- “ . . . I ’ m t i r e d . . . ” … The first and only memory he hold of his orphaned-childhood was watching the neighborhood cat cautiously while it was hunting and taking down a small mouse. The mouse hadn’t done anything wrong, all it had done was to come out of its home to get food for itself and most likely its children. The cat, who belonged to the local grocery store’s owner, had everything it wanted: a home, steady flow of food, and the freedom to do whatever it wanted. He then watched as it pounced on the mouse and sank its claws deep into its tiny and fragile body. The skin ripped as the cat merely toyed and threw it around—that was until, it was no longer moving. It squeaked in fear and pain until the cat was bored of it and ran off to fool around the neighborhood more. The mouse had done nothing wrong. One day he was making his way down to the orphanage’s cafeteria, he was pushed down the staircase by a few of the bullies. He was a quiet type, which made him the perfect target for the other children to pick on. The bullying, however, stopped as fast as it had begun. The boy who had pushed him down the stairs fell off the second floor’s window. The story was that he had been playing around the frame of the open window and didn’t watch his footing. It was the only story which existed due to the fact that the boy fell into a comatose status and died a couple days later due to heart failure. The other two later were caught in a nasty fire while playing in the shed. The two were trapped inside and the firefighters were too late to get to them. But, the b u l l y i n g stopped. That was only the beginning. He didn’t want to be the mouse. He was already alone in this world. The last thing he wanted was to die alone because he couldn’t watch out for himself. H E H A D T O B E T H E C A T … The Sniper’s camper kept him apart from the mercenaries who stayed in the B.L.U living quarters. It wasn’t that he didn’t have a room for himself; it was just that he liked having his privacy. He had always been the type to be alone, and disliked the familiar feelings the living quarters brought back into his mind. He too had created a dormitory for those who shared his like minds. He was the reason why the Sniper wasn’t able to completely leave his old life behind. The life before the B.L.U had left Sniper with both physical and mental scars. He had killed more than one should have during their given life time. If his dead birth parents were to have come to life and seen what he had done, they would have orphaned him again. The job offered by him had given him a sense of purpose, a purpose which only lasted him temporarily. The ceiling over Sniper’s shambled bed, half-drank cold black coffee, unfinished week-old cigarette, and with whistles the snowy ice wind to sing in the background, it was a simple white board which constantly sketched out vivid memories of him of his past life. Of what he had done. What he could have stopped. What he will be if he didn’t shed it behind. He tipped his Trophy Belt down to shroud his eyesight back into the pitch blackness. ” NEW MERCENARY IN THE BASE “ The she-devil shouted into the intercom. Sniper’s brief moment to be alone had yet again been interrupted. As a B.L.U Mercenary, he had to honor his new code and welcome new members. Didn’t know we had a spot to fill. … What in the Devil is the D e v i l himself doing here? Beyond the tinted aviator, Sniper’s eyes were widened in anger and confusion from the sight of their new B.L.U Medic. The familiar pale blond hair pang with the sheen imitating pure australium, pang along with the shine in his almost as pale blue eyes, pang it was him pang. He was younger this time, but it was most definitely H I M. The cold, careless, aura with the stench of death—those were the only two keys missing from this man but overall--Sniper was not wrong, it really was him. He knew because his heart told him so. The heart he put inside him. The Spy approached the silent Sniper with their new Medic and introduced the two to each other, “…and this is our mercenary class: Sniper. Sniper, this is our new mercenary class: Medic.” There was a moment of silence which lasted hours upon hours within Sniper’s mind. He could feel the smell of murder and blood emitting off of his pores as his hand inched towards the Medic’s. Medic on the other hand was calm and collected, giving him a smile as he shook his hand with a meek grip, “It’s nice to meet you. I hope to get along with you into the future.” Their hands touched, there was a moment of chill down the nape of Sniper’s neck as he recalled the same scenario from his starter days as the Christian Brutal Mercenary. The murderous intent on Sniper’s end edged back as he choked out a monotone growl, “…same to you mate.” What are you doing here? What is the Administrator thinking? Why was my past haunting me? I A M N O T T H E M O U S E. Sniper had known of the Administrator’s shady transactions with his previous employers, but he had believed that signing the thoroughly read contract would have kept him immune from them. What was this wench thinking?! The man was obviously him but the fact that he didn’t recognize him--well, it wouldn’t have been shocking if he didn’t recognize him at all. He</> went through mercenaries left and right, it was like replacing broken dishes. The answers were absent in this nightmarish scenario. It was the fact that the Administrator didn’t approach him about this matter is what made Sniper march towards her lair. He reached out to speak to the she-devil but ended up with Miss Pauling denying him entry. He felt his once-repressed feral instincts boiling back up from within him. His eyes growing wild in aggravation as he felt every inch of his body shaking as though he were about to tear his own skin apart to become a breed of lycanthrope. The need to rip this petit pounds of flesh and bones before him grew as he bared his teeth and reached out to grab her small shoulders. “Well, well, well, what have we here?” The thick Texan accented voice questioned. The B.L.U Engineer. Sniper’s grip upon Miss Pauling’s shoulder froze as his once bared teeth became an irritated growl. His grip lingered but became loose as he then turned to make his way pass the B.L.U Engineer. As he brushed pass the shorter male, he felt a grip upon his wrist to stop him at his track, “Nothing good will ever come from harming a messenger, Stretch. Especially someone kind as Miss Pauling.” The smile upon the Engineer’s face was met with a disgruntled groan from the Sniper. He merely broke away from the grip with the flick of his wrist and made his way back to his camper. Now, it wasn’t that he feared the Texan, but it was due to the fact that he was the only one who seemed to not fear him for what he had once been. This wasn’t the only reason as to why he let Miss Pauling go, but the realization that if the Administrator wasn’t going to Mann-up and tell him the truth, the Engineer might have been the N E X T B E S T B E T. One thing was for sure, Sniper felt his heart pound with adrenaline as he realized--he had never left the dark bloody pool below him… instead …he had left a b l o o d y t r a i l behind him.