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#not that he ISN'T capable of being cruel to friends and family

mlove44lh · 7 months

Text

Don't hurt yourself

Chapter 8 - Redemption

Masterlist

Previously chapter

Warnings: angst, swearing, mention of loss

Words: 9,247

there are probably some mistakes in the translation. I'm a bit rusty. Soryy

“I had my ups and downs, but I always find the inner strength to pull myself up. I was served lemons, but I made lemonade. My grandma said "Nothing real can be threatened." True love brought salvation back into me. With every tear came redemption and my torturers became my remedy. So we're gonna heal. Me and you.”

Day 0

“I've dreamt about this for so long that I cannot even recall when this idea first took root within me.

I've memorized and held in my mind every tiny detail of this day. I've spent hours envisioning how it would unfold, researching without even having someone in mind to share this dream with.

And yet, even with all the planning and rehearsing every step in my mind for this perfect day, I never anticipated it would be as perfect as this.

The sky is clear and without clouds. And even though the wind is present, it's almost imperceptible on my skin, even with my arms uncovered.

Just for this weather in the middle of November, I could already consider this day a miracle, as evidence of a love that will be eternal and is already perfect.

The veil gently sways around me. I catch a glimpse of my guests through the sheer fabric that surrounds me. I know I have all my family and friends present, and I'm overjoyed that everyone is finally gathered. But I couldn't look at anyone else now except my future husband, who awaits me at the altar with a smile that assures me everything will be okay in our new life together.

And I believe him with a confidence I didn't know existed within me.

His dark eyes shine like never before, a privilege I've never witnessed. I know I grip my father's arm with a certain strength, but I need to feel the tension in my fingertips at least to prove to myself that I am still alive, and this is not a dream.

What reassures me is knowing that, even though I am a dreamer, I could never fantasize about such perfection.

It's as if my entire life has led up to this moment.”

Day 2,520

I waited for something. Something big, like in the movies. Something that would make me change, that would make everything fall into place perfectly so we could leave it all behind.

Even after all that, I waited. After the disrespect, after hearing from the mouth of the most despicable person I've ever known all the horrible things he was capable of doing, after being called scandalous for a behavior I know was unforgivable. Even after all of that, I waited for something.

But that something never came.

Real life is cruel, and these kinds of things don't happen. Sometimes what seems real is indeed real; sometimes the one pulling the trigger is the same person who vowed to protect you. And this kind of betrayal is the worst of all.

I was forced to stop believing in my personal fairy tale when the prince charming drove a knife into my chest.

I was yanked out of my perfect life, and the jolt was so strong that I don't know how I survived.

I look at my ring finger and even though the wedding ring is no longer here, the mark will probably last for a long time, as a visual reminder of all this.

The room is cold, and I feel his gaze on me, which makes the feeling of suffocation even bigger. My gaze remains low; this is the last place I want to be.

The door opens and the silence is cut by the mediator who introduces himself and then sits down between the four of us.

My heart races as I realize what is about to happen.

"We can begin the hearing."

Day 365

"I didn't think it could get any better after we got married, but I've never been so happy to be wrong.

The year has flown by, and all our time together has been precious. Even though Lewis isn't always present, when we're together, it feels like all the challenges of jet-lags and sleepless nights become insignificant.

One of his hands blocks my vision while the other guides me gently by the waist. I feel Lewis laughing behind me, while I become more restless than ever.

The hustle and bustle of London is miles behind us. Lewis drove, which is unusual since I'm usually the one behind the wheel.

I have no idea what I'll find here, so I eagerly await the revelation I've been waiting for hours.

"You know I hate surprises."

"I know. But you're going to like this one." He stops walking but keeps his hand over my eyes.

"It's our first wedding anniversary. It had to be something big."

"Something big?! Lewis, I got you a watch."

"And I loved my new Rolex. And this gift isn't exactly just for you; it's for both of us.”

Lewis removes his hand from my eyes; it takes me a few seconds to adjust to the brightness. The sunlight illuminates a large field surrounded by greenery. The weather is chilly, but the sunlight makes everything seem warm and cozy.

In the midst of two tall trees stands a house with a white-painted facade. Windows adorn the front of the house, along with some flowers planted around the residence.

It's a beautiful, delicate home, large enough for a family to live in, yet not so grand as to be intimidating. It's the perfect refuge for a lifetime, surrounded by the people you love.

I spend a few seconds observing the facade. Lewis steps away from my side and comes in front of me. His smile is huge, and I can tell by his expression that he's waiting for me to say something. But I wouldn't know what to say when I don't even know what I'm looking at now.

"What do you think?" His expectation implicit in his words.

"Lewis...” It can't be this, he can't have just bought a new house for us. “What is this?"

"Wait. I want you to see inside."

His hand fits into mine, and Lewis practically drags me inside. My excitement is so overwhelming that I can hardly think straight now. This is so much more than I expected.

The living room is spacious, and the wooden beams make everything cozier. The furniture is already arranged, and it's as if they've taken every detail from one of my dreams.

"There's a pool outside." He opens the large glass door, revealing more outdoor space. “We can put a big table here for when we have guests.”

His words come out quickly, like an excited child with something new, his eyes shining like two stars as Lewis divides his gaze from me to the entire house. He doesn't take long to return with his hand in mine, leading me to the second floor of the residence.

The master bedroom adopts a lighter tone than the rest of the house, covered in wood. The white paint on the walls makes the room even more spacious. Everything looks clean and new.

"You really did this?" My voice comes out almost in a whisper, and I then feel the urge to cry that hits me. “Lewis, it's perfect.”

"It's ours," he says. His voice is lower compared to minutes ago; the excitement seems to have eased. "I planned over the last year."

"This is... I'm speechless. It's perfect. But how would we do this? I mean, with our work and everything else."

It would be madness to move to the countryside from London at a time like this, even though it feels like a dream.

"I may have anticipated things a little. But we can come in a few years. This could be the house where we'll grow old together and raise our kids. It's the perfect place. We just have to wait a bit, and in the meantime, we can come whenever we want some time alone. 45 minutes from London and no neighbors for a few blocks sounds good, right?"

I can only smile. The idea of having a family by your side and growing old together is still something that can truly move me.

"Yes. It sounds perfect."

He smiles.

"Come on, I want to show you one last thing."

I can barely take in the details of the room before being pulled again.

Lewis opens the door to the room next to ours; unlike the others, this room has no furniture. A large window is situated in the middle of one of the walls, illuminating every corner of the room. I stand still at the door while Lewis finally calms down behind me.

"There are two more rooms like this, still empty." I feel the excitement within me as soon as I realize where Lewis is going. "We'll set them up together, at the right time. For our children. Let's fill this house with happiness, Y/n."

I turn to him, and I feel some tears escaping from my eyes. I couldn't be happier about this surprise.

I press our lips into a kiss that takes a while to break, just so I can speak before returning to him.

"This is all I want.”

"There are no children in common between the couple, and the divorce seems to be agreed upon by both parts. If there is no impasse with the last proposed agreement, I believe there is no need to extend this hearing."

‘Divorce. Agreement. Both parts.’ It looks as bad as it sounds. How could there be agreement on something as painful and profound as this? That's not what happens, I'm not here because I want to, I'm here because I need to be here, I'm here because I owe it to myself and the part that died inside me. I owe this as justice to the girl who believed so much in fairy tales. So no, there is no agreement whatsoever with this situation.

I glance at my lawyer and gesture to speak with him, but it doesn't become necessary. His throat clearing draws the attention of the few people in the room.

The proposed divorce agreement in the document I left with Lewis that morning was denied, as were the other two made by my lawyer. It seems there was some kind of impasse between what Lewis desired and what his representatives sought.

So, I waited for the counterproposal, and when it came, I tried to come to terms with it. There was much more for me than I asked for in the previous agreements, and much less than what I could receive if I had the slightest interest in a legal battle. The perfect agreement between a remorseful man who thinks money buys karma and the lawyers protecting his empire.

But overall, it wasn't that bad, except for one detail.

"There is a disagreement from my client regarding the agreement proposed by Mr. Hamilton."

They look at us with curiosity. Lewis raises his gaze full of doubt, which meets mine.

"And what would that be?" The mediator settles into his chair, leaning towards us.

I could vomit if I had ingested anything. I wish I could just accept anything proposed and leave right away. But I don't want to leave with anything other than what already belongs to me, and I certainly have no interest in something that would keep me tied to Lewis in any way.

I know this is another thing I shouldn't do. Especially if the hypothesis in my mind proves to be true. But I don't care anymore; I have every right to use the shell of a bad person at least once.

I have the right to escape from him.

"My client is no longer interested in the shares related to Mr. Hamilton's companies. As well as the residence in London. We would like to present a counterproposal, where the shares would be transferred back, and the house would be entirely in his name, if there is agreement, of course."

I watch my lawyer pass new papers to the mediator, who carefully examines each one.

I want to disappear from his life in every way possible; I won't heal if I don't distance myself from him. Continuing with the shares in my name would put me in moments like this. Trapped at a meeting table with him by my side. And the house would only remind me of everything that never was. I don't even want to drive past it, even though it's a new residence; it's infested with ghosts for me.

"What?!" Lewis diverts everyone's attention, even from the mediator, who is still examining the papers in front of him. "What are you talking about? These shares are rightfully yours, Y/n. We earned this together." Hearing his voice in person after so many weeks makes me want to cry.

"Mr. Hamilton, please. Only your lawyer has the right to speak at this moment, okay?" The mediator's voice becomes slightly louder to draw Lewis's attention.

There's a lot of disbelief in his gaze, while mine overflows with sorrow.

If only it were just businesses and numbers, the only things we conquered together, all of this would be infinitely easier.

"Don't do this. The shares are yours too, you know that."

Lewis completely ignores the mediator and continues speaking directly to me. His gaze reveals pleading, as if he's seeking redemption and the only way to achieve it is to ensure I end up with millions in shares.

It's tempting. But we're talking about a woman with a wounded ego and immense pride. So, thanks, but no.

"Mr. Hamilton, please."

The mediator seems a bit nervous. Meanwhile, his lawyer becomes restless and leans in to speak with Lewis.

"If she's giving up willingly, you should consider it. We're not talking about something small, Lewis." His lawyer's voice is low, but within this tiny room and with everyone else silent, it would be impossible not to hear his words.

Lewis still looks at me, and I still look at him. I haven't opened my mouth to respond to him, and I don't intend to. All I want is to leave this place soon with what I want, or rather, what I don't want.

"I don't care about that." Lewis responds to his lawyer, but still looking at me. I could even say there's a hint of anger in his expression, if only I still knew this person in front of me.

Day 1,397

“Waking up to the smell of coffee at home is one of my favorite things because I know when it happens, he's home. And it couldn't be any different; he promised me he would be.

My arms wrap around him as soon as I find him in the kitchen. His bare torso is warm and makes me feel at home like nothing else ever came close to achieving.

His hands hand me a cup of coffee, and our lips come together in a kiss full of the longing that seems never to go away, no matter how close we are.

"How is it possible for someone who hates coffee to make the best coffee I've ever had in my life?!"

Lewis laughs before placing his hands on my waist.

"You say that because you're in love with me and like everything I do. Literally, everyone who's had my coffee didn't like it."

"That's because they don't know how to appreciate the strongest coffee that has ever entered their system." Laughter echoes through the apartment. "But seriously, honey, as much as I love it, you have to go easy on the amount of grounds. I could stay awake for days if I had more than one cup in the morning."

His hands tighten around my waist enough to make me sigh. I place my mug with the hot liquid on the counter and soon bring my hands back to his bare back.

I see the smile fading from his face, replaced by a serious expression.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I was just thinking."

"Want to share that?"

"I'm not sure you'll like the idea very much." A shy smile returns to his lips and my curiosity rises. "I know that wasn't the plan. But I can't stop thinking about it."

His eyes are no longer in contact with mine.

"Come on. Tell me."

"Well." He seems anxious, perhaps genuinely concerned about my reaction. "I think, maybe. If you want. We could start trying to expand the family."

My smile drops.

Not because I don't want this, but because I want it so bad that just the idea of Lewis also wanting it even before what was planned between us makes my stomach churn with happiness. I don't know if it's because of Lewis's strong coffee or my excitement, but suddenly I become aware of my accelerated heartbeat.

"I mean. If you still want to wait, we can. I know you have your work, and..."

"No!" I interrupt his train of thought. "I just wasn't expecting that right now." I have to think about the words before I can say them. "Lewis. Are you serious?"

I pull his face back to mine and force him to look at me. We are so close to each other that Lewis must be able to feel my own heartbeat against his chest.

"I've been thinking about this for a while. I know we agreed to wait until after Formula 1, to move to London and start our family. But I don't think I'm going to retire anytime soon, and I want a family with you now. And I know it will be crazy to have a child in the middle of all the travels and chaos of our life, but..." His smile grows even wider. "It will be our child, right?! If there's someone who could handle all of this, it's him. Or her."

My excitement is so overwhelming that I can hardly think of anything to say.

I know my eyes overflow with happiness and emotion, and I see Lewis's eyes mirroring the same.

I pull him closer to me, pressing against him with no desire to let him go anywhere.

"You know how much I want this." I pull him into a kiss that ends up being a bit messy due to our excitement.

"Is that a yes?" Lewis separates us for a moment to speak.

"Of course!"

"We'll take a break so that Mr. Hamilton's lawyer can review the counterproposal and to calm things down a bit.”

I watch both of them stand up. Lewis leaves the room almost running, while his lawyer follows him with the new papers in hand. I feel numb, I need to tap my feet on the floor a few times to make sure I won't fall when I stand up.

“Y/n. Are you sure about the counterproposal?” Adam, my lawyer, turns his chair towards me. His voice is low even though there's no need for it. Since there's no one else in the room. “I know you have your reasons, but we're talking about over fifty million. That could become much more over the years. Giving it away like this to him could be a mistake. You could at least sell them.”

"No. I don't want anything more from him, Adam." His expression reveals what he doesn't say, which makes me feel the need to justify myself. "I'm not saying this just because I'm hurt, I'm saying this because I really want out of this, I don't want to deal with anything related to Lewis anymore. And I know it may sound crazy, but every penny coming from those shares would only make me feel even worse. So yes, I am positive about my decision."

"Alright. I understand." His compassionate look kills me. I turn away from his expression to avoid dealing with that pity stamped on his face. "I think they'll agree, there wouldn't be a reason to delay this any further."

"I hope so." I don't wait for a response, leaving Adam in his place and stepping out of the room in search of fresh air.

Day 1,716

"I promised I wouldn't disappoint myself this time. I thought it would be easier not to see what I wanted for the seventh consecutive time. But no. Every month, it just hurts more.

I stare at the small plastic object in my hand as I feel a lump in my throat.

A damn red line.

One. Just one.

I feel Lewis's arm around me and his face resting on my shoulder.

We started trying a few months ago. We knew that if we waited for the perfect moment, it would never come. We travel all the time, and Formula 1 takes up a good part of Lewis's life. Besides, it's a dangerous sport.

But the desire for our children proved to be so big that any potential problem seems microscopic in comparison. We have a serious relationship and stability, as well as plenty of willingness and love, what could be missing?!

So, I stopped taking the pills and waited for it to happen. But it didn't. Not in the first month, not in the second, it started to bother me in the third. But I didn't imagine it would reach the seventh unsuccessful attempt.

I try to contain myself and pretend to myself that everything is fine. We're young, we have plenty of time to make this happen. But the frustration is written all over my face.

"We can keep trying,” his voice comes out muffled because his face is resting on me. “It's the best part anyway,” he jokes.

A soft laugh escapes my lips.

“Yeah. Maybe next time, huh?”

I take the test out of my field of vision and look at Lewis. He adjusts his posture and nods while looking at me attentively.

Maybe he's waiting for some kind of outpouring, or even restrained tears. But there isn't any. Not because I'm not feeling sad, but because it wouldn't make sense right now. Especially when he's just minutes away from leaving home for another one of his countless work weekends. A tearful wife wouldn't be the best thing to leave on his mind before all the concentration needed for a Grand Prix.

“We could consult with a specialist if you want.”

He stands up and goes to his suitcase.

“No. I don't think it's necessary now.” My face betrays my words. The question of why a pregnancy hasn't happened yet has been weighing on my mind for months. “We can wait for some more time.”

He sighs.

“Alright.” His hands rest on the handle of his suitcase. “I have to go. Will you be okay?”

“If I say no, will you stay here with me?” Compassion fills his eyes, making me immediately regret what I just said. I truly wish he would give up work sometimes, but I would never ask him for that. Not wanting to be inconvenient, and already knowing the answer. “I'm kidding. Go, go save the world, number forty-four.”

“You're my world.” Lewis walks over to me and plants a kiss on my forehead. That makes me smile. “See you on Monday.”

I go down the dozens of stairs arranged in front of the court. I sit down on one of the steps before reaching the end of them.

The streets are bustling. It couldn't be different on a Tuesday morning. I try to focus on the lives of people swiftly passing by, hoping to distract myself from the lump in my throat.

There are so many things on my mind that I can't even concentrate on one of them. It's like a buzzing is taking over me, leaving no room for anything else. Neither my expectations for a new life, nor the object kept in my bag, nor the hypothesis that should be consuming me, nor my marriage dissipating while I watch it all, nor my exhaustion. None of this is enough to make me feel anything.

I notice his presence beside me through my peripheral vision. He sits down, leaving almost no space between us but without touching me. I don't move to look at him or to move away from his figure. I remain focused on the people walking in front of us, wishing at this moment to have the life of the lady strolling peacefully with her dog through the streets of Monaco.

"How did we get to this?"

Of all the things I expected to hear from Lewis after weeks of not talking, this would be the last of my assumptions.

I don't think much before responding to him.

“I don't know.” I feel his gaze on me, but I still don't turn to him. “I don't think it happened at a specific moment. If only we could attribute it to one exact thing, it would make things easier.”

I can hear his breath next to me; he seems shaken, restless in his place.

“Y/n, if I could go back and undo what I did...”

“It wouldn't change a thing.” I interrupt his speech. I couldn't bear to hear Lewis's lamentations, especially at a moment like this, where I'm so detached from my own self that I'm not even aware of my emotions. “Our marriage ended before you cheated me. It ended long before that, long before losing our child. It happened, I don't think it's a good idea to keep tormenting ourselves thinking about what could have been. Because it wasn't. Simple as that. We're here today.”

He stares at me; I know he's looking into my eyes, and from the position of his body leaning towards me, I can deduce that he longs for my reciprocity. But I don't want to, and I can't look at him right now. As much as all my instincts honed over these years are begging me to go towards him.

“What if we kept trying?" He doesn't even believe in his own words. The sentence comes out like a final sigh.

“We tried for a long time. But we gave up at some point. We kept giving up on small things until they turned into huge things.”

This is the end. I know that. I've had it in my mind for a long time, and I'm sure of this decision. But it should hurt less. I should at least have the ability to breathe or to face my — still — husband.

I don't feel my words coming. I just feel the need to say them, maybe because I need a conclusion. Or because I got used to sharing everything with him, and that's still something that needs to go away.

“I don't feel happy to be here today. Maybe I should have fought more, and you too. But despite that, I know this is the right decision. And even if you don't admit it, I know you agree with me. There's no point in thinking about what could have been done when, in the end, we're here today. And nothing will change that.”

Finally, I gather the courage to look at him. He looks like a complete stranger, a totally different person than he used to be.

His gaze, which was always the thing I loved most about him, now doesn't have the same effect on me. Everything about Lewis seems off. And even though I'm close to him, I don't feel him here.

The person by my side has become a stranger. I'm overwhelmed by grief for someone who is alive and in front of me but is nowhere near who they used to be.

I stare at him for a few seconds before speaking again.

“That's the only regret I have. This habit of deceiving ourselves, the complacency we let take over our marriage. Because if we had realized earlier, if we hadn't let it get to this point where we both ended up hurt, then I would remember all these years with immense happiness. But that's not what happens. I can't even look at you because it hurts so much.” I watch tears invade his eyes right in front of mine. I feel anger and regret at the same level. “And that's the part that kills me. Knowing that the best years of my life will be the most painful to remember.” Only when I stop to breathe do I realize that I'm also crying. I let the tears flow freely down my face as I continue my train of thought. “I don't know if this feeling will change. If with time, it will get better, all I know is what I'm feeling today and what I'm living today. And I've decided that from now on, this is what I'm going to focus on. The present.”

He doesn't say anything for some time.

We stare at each other without any intention whatsoever. There's nothing to be said that would make any difference.

“I'm sorry.” I barely recognize his voice, just like the rest of his being.

“I know. Me too.”

Day 2,125

“The notification sound on my phone breaks my focus from the TV program. I grab the device resting on the couch cushion and check the notification. As soon as I read the message, my boredom is replaced by another wave of hope, as it has been happening every month for over a year.

The notification arrived, and Lewis is home today, things that almost never happen at the same time. Maybe this is a sign that this month will finally be the one that works.

Everything is seen as a sign for a desperate woman.

I jump off the couch and head towards our bedroom.

Lewis is lying down, his attention fixed on the large TV, airing the same program I was watching in the living room. The realization leaves me confused, and even a little sad. Why would he prefer to stay away from me than do exactly the same thing he's doing here, next to me?!

I swallow my wounded ego and ignore the unpleasant feeling that this understanding left me. After all, what we need to do is much bigger than my tantrum.

I climb onto the bed and approach him. Lewis doesn't bother to move.

I straddle his lap without any difficulty. My kisses start on his lips and are instinctively reciprocated by him, but his hands remain inert. I grind on his lap in an attempt to stir something. Nothing.

I move my kisses towards his abdomen, and it's only at that moment that Lewis takes some action. Not the one I wanted, of course.

“Y/n. Love. Not today, okay?*

His hands come to me, not to enjoy more of my touch, but to stop me from continuing. This irritates me, but it doesn't prevent me from continuing. I return to his neck and distribute kisses on his skin, with no intention of giving up what I need.

“Come on. It'll be quick.”

I lower my hands to the elastic of his sweatpants while still showering him with kisses, but my movements are interrupted by him.

“Y/n, stop! I said no.” His voice is loud, which makes me stop immediately.

He moves away from me abruptly. Lewis gets up without any care for how he leaves me on the bed.

I feel embarrassed like never before, anger comes in the same dimension.

”Lewis, what the fuck?!”

“I'm tired of this shit. What do you think? That I'm a damn robot you can press a button and get whatever you want? That's ridiculous.”

“I thought you wanted this too.”

Lewis's breathing is audible; he's restless as he stares at me.

"And I want to, but not like this. When was the last time we had sex because we were horny, not because we're obligated to fuck every time your phone notifies you about your fertile period, Y/n?"

"I don't know, Lewis. I'm trying to get what both of us want here."

"Yes, you're trying that by becoming the coldest person on earth. What's the next step? Do you want me to come in a jar and hand it over to you?"

"That's actually a good idea. It would make things a lot easier."

Sarcasm slips out of me effortlessly. I feel anger rising in my body. And anxiety too.

"For God's sake!" He enters the bathroom but leaves the door open. I hear the running water from the tap for a few seconds before he speaks again.

"What the hell do you want, Lewis?!" My voice erupts in a scream.

He comes back quickly to stand in front of me.

“My wife!" He yells too. "That's what I want, Y/n. Can you bring her back?! Or has this obsession taken her away too?"

My frustration is so intense that I feel my throat burning with tears that want to fall. We've never shouted at each other, never fought like we are now. Everything feels like a horrible and senseless chaos.

"I had a terrible weekend. And you didn't even bother to ask how things are. I asked you to come with me to the Grand Prix, and you chose to stay here, probably to consult with another doctor to tell you exactly what all the others have said, if there's any other doctor left in Monaco that you haven't consulted. You're so blinded by this idea that you forgot to keep living your life."

A humorless laugh escapes my lips.

"Oh, poor little thing. You had a terrible weekend? I had a terrible year, Lewis! And I'm not crying because no one came to console me or anything like that. I'm trying to do what I should, what both of us want. You don't have the right to judge me for that." I get out of bed and walk towards the door. Frustrated and overwhelmed by guilt. Today could have been the day, but it wasn't. It wasn't because he didn't want it. "Grow up, Lewis. And if you want someone to pat you on the head, go find someone else, because it won't be me."

It's the last thing I say before slamming the door behind me.”

“I think we should go back inside.”

His voice breaks the silence between us, which has lingered for some time. We stopped talking minutes ago, but we didn't feel the need to move away from each other.

I think we both know that this is the last time we stay together like this. There's no guilt in wanting to prolong this moment, as sad as it may be.

I nod as I look back at him.

I know this was the opportunity to finally tell him what I believe is happening, but I simply can't. It was too hard to get to this point, and sharing my suspicions would only hurt him and further delay the inevitable. I don't need to subject him to that, because if I'm truly right, I know this issue won't be something that lingers for long. And if I can spare him from this additional pain, that's what I'll do.

"I'll sign the papers. If that's really what you want."

"No. That's definitely not what I want, Lewis." I stand up alongside him. "But it's what we have to do if there's still any respect left for what we both lived together."

We enter the grand courtroom together, taking small steps. We walk side by side without any hurry towards the cold room that awaits us, not saying a word. No need for more lamentations. Certain of what will happen, uncertain about the future we hadn't imagined without each other.

I return to my seat, my heart racing as everyone settles in.

"My client agrees to the counterproposal," his lawyer breaks the silence.

"That's good. Now that both parties agree, you may finally sign the documents, please," the mediator seems almost relieved.

The knot in my throat chokes me. I want to escape from here, I want to cry like a baby right now. This hurts like hell. I didn't think I would have a breakdown at this moment, not when everything is so close to ending.

I try to hold myself together, to keep my breathing in check and not show how close I am to bursting into tears and screams. I think I do well in that, as the only person who notices my instability is the only person in the room who is in the same situation as I am.

His red eyes betray a nearly palpable pain.

It shouldn't be like this, it shouldn't be ending this way.

We promised we would die together, old and gray, in our house with the white façade surrounded by flowers in London.

It wasn't supposed to end in a cold room at the first instance court in Monaco. This is so damn unfair.

Lewis takes the white papers that were handed to him by his lawyer. His hands shake, but only I notice. He doesn't avert his gaze from mine, not for a second, not even as he picks up the black pen placed in front of him. He wants to be sure. He wants one last confirmation from me.

Day 0

"Our hands fit perfectly. I instantly feel calmer with his touch. I step away from my father as I approach my fiancé.

“You look perfect.” He whispers in my ear as he gets close. The emotion in his voice is clear. Lewis plants a kiss on my cheek before turning to my father.

They shake hands. My father pulls Lewis into a half-hug, I know something is said in the midst of it by the older man, but I don't hear what. Just the possibilities that pass through my mind are enough to make me laugh.

Lewis doesn't take long to turn back to me; now his attention is entirely mine.

"Ladies and gentlemen, family and friends, we are gathered here on this special day to celebrate the love and union of two souls who have decided to embark on this journey of life together.”

The celebrant begins to speak. My heart races, and the smile on my face feels like it will stay there forever.

Lewis looks more handsome than ever. His happiness manages to make him even more beautiful, as if that were possible. I want to look around, see if the flowers arranged are the ones we chose, or if everyone we invited is present. But I couldn't, I couldn't look anywhere when I have the best thing in my life right in front of me. Moving his mouth and telling me "I love you" without making a sound. Just for me to know, just to make it clear.

“Marriage is a unique moment, as it is the union of two individuals who choose to share their dreams, joys, and challenges side by side. Today, Lewis and Y/n, you are taking an important step in your lives, a step that represents the promise to love and care for each other, regardless of the circumstances. The journey of love is marked by highs and lows, but it is the partnership and complicity that will help you overcome all obstacles together. Love is the force that binds your hearts, making you stronger, braver, and more willing to face any adversity. Now, I ask for everyone's attention for the vows of the newlyweds.”

Anxiety consumes me even more, but I am excited to finally be able to say the words I have been holding inside me.

I turn to Alessia, who stands behind me. She hands me the small piece of paper I entrusted to her earlier.

I try to breathe a few times before starting to pronounce the words written by me on the lined paper.

“I think it's not news to anyone here how much of a dreamer I am. Everyone who knows me has heard about my fantasies at some point.” My laughter is accompanied by that of my guests. “Many of them I judged and was aware of being impossible. After all, I know that nothing can be perfect.” I take my eyes off the paper and lock eyes with Lewis for a few seconds. “I never thought I would be so happy to be wrong.”

I try to hold back the tears as I speak, but I know my emotion is implicit and one step away from taking over me.

“You showed me that my unrealistic dreams are not only possible but even better than in my imagination. Love transcends what I thought was impossible. Your love showed me that even the bad parts are worth it if I have you by my side.” Lewis smiles in a way different from the usual, tears fill his eyes too. Which only makes me even more fulfilled. “I never imagined that I would marry that guy I met by mere chance on a night out with my friends. Not because I didn't like you right away; because I think it's clear how I was already won over by you before even knowing your name.” His laughter echoes within me. “But because I imagined that when I found the love of my life, the feeling would be different. I would be afraid, anxious, uncertain at times. After all, that's what my mind and all love stories make us believe. That it has to be complicated to be real. But that's not what happened, everything between you and me was natural, it felt right from the beginning.”

I need a few seconds to breathe, look at our guests for a brief moment, and can capture all the emotion present in the room.

How is it possible for a moment to be so magical? How could all of this result in anything other than the perfection of a life together? I thought I was sure of something until now, but this feeling shows me otherwise. There is nothing within me greater than the conviction of the right decision for the love of my life.

“I took a while to realize that this is the essence of true love. The kind that happens fluidly and unconditionally, without pressures, fears, or insecurities. In you, I found the security and comfort I didn't even know I was looking for. Now, looking back at everything we've been through, I realize that every step that brought us here was guided by destiny. Every moment we shared, every laugh, every tear, everything was part of a carefully written plot for us to find each other in this perfect fairy tale.”

“And, my love, I promise to keep cherishing this feeling that binds us. Because it was by your side that I learned that true love doesn't need to be complicated or uncertain. I thank chance, destiny, and all the forces and entities that brought us together. I am blessed for this, and there are not enough words to express my gratitude at this moment. May our love continue to grow, to blossom, and may we face every challenge together with courage and complicity. Because if I'm by your side, I know there's nothing to fear, and we'll be fine as long as we're together.”

I articulate the last sentences while looking into your eyes; they are already engraved in me even before writing them.

Lewis presses his lips together; there are a few seconds of silence before we laugh at each other. In a mix of tears and happiness.

Knowing that it's now his turn makes me more anxious than minutes ago when I started my speech.

“Oh God.” He whispers with a choked voice. “How do you expect me to say anything after that?”

“Just breathe. I'm right here.”

Our hands connect again. I tighten my grip on him, waiting for the time Lewis needs to prepare.

Eventually, Lewis brings his hand to the pocket of his pants and takes out a folded piece of paper.

I notice the tremor in his hands. But his smile remains intact.

“Y/n…” He looks at me for a few seconds before returning his gaze to the paper. “I could spend hours here telling you how certain I am that you are the love of my life. How you showed me a life that I never imagined would be mine. Or how you taught me so much that I don't know how I survived before I met you.” The hand holding the paper tightens with a certain force, but his expression, in contrast, brings me peace. “But there are not enough vows of love to tell you what I would like now, Y/n. I don't think there's a combination of words that comes close to expressing what I really want, what I feel inside me. That's why I'm not going to try, not at this moment, not in this way. I will show you, every day, what no phrase at this moment could. And that's my promise to you.”

I feel an euphoria that could be mistaken for anxiety; each word of his envelops me in a way that I even feel numb, as if floating in an almost immortal state while I listen to him. Everything within me echoes that this is the moment, the pinnacle of genuine happiness. It's the moment I intend to remember every day for the rest of my life.

Simply, the best moment of all.

I even make an effort to set aside the awareness of my emotions a little. I'm not sure what could happen if I completely surrender to what I'm feeling. It's like a nirvana, and I hope it lasts forever within me.

Lewis pauses for a few seconds before continuing.

“You are the best part of me. I am my best version when I have you by my side. And for that, I promise to cultivate each of these things that move us, promise to take care of this love and never let it go away. I promise to remember every day how lucky I am to have a wife like you, even in those moments when you drive me crazy wanting something and not being sure what, and thinking I should be a deciphering master.” Everyone laughs, tears mixed with happiness on our faces. “No. It's okay, actually your ability to confuse me is one of the things I love about you.”

“You are light. You are happiness. You are peace and a storm at the same time; you are my foundation, the love of the life of someone who never believed in fairy tales. You are my fortress, and I hope to be yours. So, I'll be here, always right here, by your side. Making sure you are always content, always supported, never alone. Never alone.” He emphasizes the last sentence. His eyes glued to mine. “I love you.”

His gaze, intense and suffocating, seems to penetrate my skin, but I maintain composure, hiding the storm unraveling within me. Any gesture from me could end up prolonging this unbearable moment, and honestly, I don't know if I could endure another hour in this room.

I resist the temptation to look away and, instead, just nod slightly. In the ensuing silence, I try to capture every detail, every line on his face, as if this were the last time I would see him. His eyes, which once shone with love, now reflect only the shadow of what we were. His Adam's apple moves, and his gaze shifts away from mine, finally releasing me from this anguish.

The fingers holding the pen are tense, white from the applied pressure. The fine tip touches the paper, leaving a trail of farewell.

A final uncertain glance.

The last second as wife and husband.

I can't believe it ended like this.

But that's how it ends. Not with a bang, but with a suffocating silence, marking the end of something we swore to be eternal. The last trace of our connection fades away, and now all that remains is the journey unfolding before me. A life now redefined by the absence of what once was us.

[…]

I enter the apartment, and exhaustion takes over my body.

It's still mid-morning, but it feels like days have passed since I woke up.

My new home is nothing like the previous one; it's a simple apartment with three bedrooms that seems to have the perfect size to avoid feeling cramped but also not so large as to leave me lonely.

The apartment of a single woman.

The walls are predominantly white, with a single exception in the living room. I painted one of the walls blue on my first day here, a choice that now seems too impulsive. I look at that wall and feel a twinge of regret, but the idea of repainting it is simply inconceivable.

I don't even like the color blue.

Suddenly, I become aware of the object I tucked into my bag days ago, and for the first time since the purchase, I feel anxious about the possibilities it holds.

I close my hand around the strap of my bag and walk to the bathroom, no hurry, but my heart beats unevenly.

I lock the door behind me, even though I'm alone, a habit I haven't lost even after leaving my parents' house.

My breath would be audible even if the house weren't in the absolute silence it finds itself in.

I do what I've done at least two hundred times in my life; there's no need to look at the instructions. At this point, it has become muscle memory. The ritual unfolds in silence, marked only by the subtle sound of paper and plastic.

With care, I return the test to its place in the small box. Hesitation hangs in the air, a prolonged pause before facing what I already know. The urgency to find out competes with the reluctance to confront. I'm not ready; I don't want to relive all of that again. The fear inside me grows to proportions I've never experienced before. If I had the slightest strength, I could have a breakdown now.

I leave the bathroom, seeking more space, trying to alleviate the suffocating sensation. The small box still in my hand.

The indicated 3 minutes have passed; the instructions say to disregard after 15 minutes. I have 12 minutes, 12 minutes to avoid the answer, 12 minutes where I still pretend not to know anything, where I can continue to delude myself for another brief interval. 12 minutes that allow me to postpone the inevitable confrontation, as if ignoring the clock could freeze the reality that may await me.

There are tears. Tears that I don't know if they're of sadness, joy, or a complex combination of both. Each drop seems to carry the weight of a journey, mourning the past loss, the uncertainty of the future, and the unexpected surprise of the possibility of a new life forming.

There's a trembling smile playing at the corners of my lips. It's a smile marked by vulnerability, fear, and resilience. The irony of discovering this right after the divorce seems to hang in the air, but there's also a flame of courage that ignites within me. A strength that arises from the need to face this chapter alone.

There is confusion. My heart feels like a maze of contradictory sensations. The duality of emotions manifests in thoughts that collide, in doubts intertwining with fearful hopes. How to balance the fragility of a new life with the pain of a previous loss? Or rather, two losses?

There is fear. It feeds on the vulnerability of being alone. The specter of the past loss still looms over me, a shadow that whispers fears. The uncertainty of what is to come.

There is happiness. Happiness that arises from the understanding that life, despite its painful twists, goes on. A new life, an opportunity to start over, even if the scenery seems daunting at first glance. It's the hope that ignites in the face of darkness.

I gather the necessary courage and hold the object firmly. I take it out of the box.

There are two lines.

[…]

Life unfolds, it happens, even though I may want to stop it at times. Choices and changes, at times, leave eternal scars. And if it hurt enough to leave a mark, it means it should always be remembered.

Before me, there is a blank canvas, a path never treaded before, where I carry my baggage and memories that I'm not sure will fade so quickly.

The pain makes room for resilience, a chance for redefinition. Life shows that the ability to move forward is the source of overcoming, even when the future is unstable and uncertain.

Even in the quietest corners of my story, there is a subtle melody that continues to play, reminding me that, despite everything, life persists, transforming into an eternal flow.

Life metamorphoses, flowing like a river that, even in the face of obstacles, finds its way, reminding me that persistence is the essence of existence.

However, this same persistence, although it is the force that makes us move forward, can also be the cause of pain, of giving up, and of exhaustion.

Learn when to say goodbye.

N/a: OMG I´M BACK!😭

I won't even justify my absence. I simply couldn't write for a long time. But I hope it was worth it. Here it is, the last chapter, finally. I hope to be able to write again and bring more stories. Thank you to everyone who followed and had patience. ❤️❤️

#au fanfiction #lewis hamilton #lewis hamilton fluff #lewis hamilton smut #lewis hamilton x reader #daniel ricciardo x reader #daniel ricciardo #f1 #formula 1 #george russell

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ace-and-the-rpg-horrors · 2 months

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;; PJSK FAE AU

;; im staring so very politely

i shall reveal what i have thought of so far!!

in the fae realm, the population is divided into Seelie and Unseelie fae. Seelie being the generally calmer, but still very much capable of mischief, yet also don't mind being helpful. sometimes. Unseelie being the ones that tend to be actually malevolent, harbouring hatred for humans... the Seelie and Unseelie Courts take turns ruling throughout the year, Seelie during spring and summer, Unseelie during autumn and winter.

i've decided to have two faerie royal families, one from each type of fae. the Seelie side of things is ruled by the Tenmas, and the Unseelie by the Shinonomes.

on the Seelie side, the Kamishiro family has been been loyal friends to the Tenmas for centuries, and the current generation is no different. Rui is best friends with their side's prince, Tsukasa, and despite his age, his level-headed nature and intelligence earned him the role of representing the Tenma royal family when they cannot. the main plot of the AU follows Rui's attempts to sort out various conflict between Seelie and Unseelie fae.

speaking of which, the two most dangerous Unseelie faeries around their age are a pair of twins, Arata and Iori. they are both particularly cruel to humans, have carefully practiced the art of being able to curse them, and are not above picking on other fae either. Iori dislikes how Unseelie fae are becoming "weaker" in her eyes, due to general hostility decreasing over the years, so she's determined to put a stop to any cross-court interactions she sees. one of her most targeted is Shiho, as she has been befriended by Ichika, Saki and Honami, who are all Seelie fae, Saki being the literal princess of that court, while Shiho (and Shizuku) were born into an Unseelie family. Iori is determined to prevent Shiho from being "influenced," in her eyes, by her friends, much to Shiho's annoyance. despite being royal, the Tenmas aren't respected by any of the Unseelie population, mocked for being kinder to humans, so Iori isn't fazed by the fact that one of Shiho's "disgusting Seelie friends" is Princess Saki. naturally, she doesn't care when Rui is sent to tell her off for the disruption either, often fetched by Shizuku, who can't bear to see her sister being bothered.

yes, despite being opposite types of fae, Shizuku and Rui get along rather well. Shizuku may try to act like a typical Unseelie should, but is really more of a peacemaker rather than a troublemaker. the other Unseelie fae, specifically Arisa, hate how Shizuku is praised by the Seelie Court for not causing deliberate chaos despite her nature, expecting the rest to follow her "example." because of this, there are rumours spread that Shizuku was adopted into her current family and is actually a Seelie fae. Rui can somewhat relate to her, as he has his moments of trickery, but despite lacking malice, people still sometimes accuse him of secretly being from the Unseelie side. he doesn't have it nearly as bad as Shizuku though, since his fellow Seelie aren't nearly as vicious, plus he and his parents are closely connected to the royal family, so they're more careful about slandering him.

meanwhile, Arata violently resents humans because a hunter unknowingly shot Souma when the two of them were hanging out in a human realm forest together, causing the other boy's wings to break beyond repair. he is relentless in enchanting humans at every chance he gets, and although this has made him extremely popular with his fellow Unseelie, the Seelie Court, especially Rui whose job it is to keep fae civilians relatively in line, are incredibly fed up with him because his antics constantly risk more humans finding out about them.

surprisingly enough, Souma, is in fact, a Seelie fae, which has people wondering how exactly he and Arata got so close considering Arata, like his sister and other Unseelie types, seems to currently dislike the Seelie. in truth, he was actually fine with the other fae... until Souma's accident, because he expected them to let go of the "good" act and take revenge against the humans who hurt his partner officially, especially seeing as Souma was one of them- yet, they did not, saying it was too risky, which made Arata see red and spend every day ever since delivering the "justice" himself.

pretty much the only way that Rui can manage to keep Iori and Arata from going completely off the rails is threatening to report them to their own king- the Unseelie ruler, King Shinei, is hardly as gracious and forgiving as the Tenma monarchs.

Emu was born into an Unseelie family, yet she never really felt that she "belonged" on that side... so she grew up trying to play with the Seelie children, but they would all be terrified of her because other Unseelie tend to bully them. however, she was found and accepted by Rui and Nene, two Seelie types who were willing to befriend her- as well as Prince Tsukasa himself. this is much to her family's annoyance- well, really, only Shousuke. Hinata is just pleased that her sister isn't quite so lonely anymore and Keisuke may be a little wary of what may happen to their reputation, but Shousuke is outraged. which is very much to Rui's amusement.

the Tenma royal family includes Toya, but Toya isn't a faerie at all. he was born a human child who the Tenmas saw being treated poorly by his biological family in the human realm, so they took him and left a changeling that mimicked Toya's appearance in his place. however, it was soon discovered what the "Toya" living with the Aoyagi family was, and it was killed while the real boy remained living in the fae realm. one of the plots in the AU is that Toya's older brothers, who were much kinder to him than his parents, found out what happened to him and try to negotiate with Rui who was sent to sort out the matter, of course, and he declares it's up to Toya himself to decide. the two beg him to return to them, but he doesn't want to, refusing to leave Tsukasa and Saki's side. he is afraid and confused by his biological brothers, barely recognising them because he was very little when the Tenmas "switched" him. the Aoyagi brothers realise how truly happy Toya is with his new family, and find themselves not being able to cruelly rip him away from that. probably wish they got kidnapped by fae too-

... well, that is all i've thought of this evening!!

#PHEW #asks answered by ace :)#project sekai #pjsk #pjsekai #proseka #prsk #rui kamishiro #tsukasa tenma #saki tenma #iori project sekai #arata tono #souma miyata #emu otori #toya aoyagi

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andreal831 · 3 months

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TVDU needs a more diverse representation of feminine strength

Can we leave behind this idea that woman have to exhibit stereotypical masculine traits to be "badass"?

We see this with nearly ever female character in TVDU. While, yes, there are women who have these traits naturally, TVDU forces this idea that femininity is bad and every woman responds to trauma or grows as a character by adopting masculine traits. This is referred to as the "tomboy" trope. We often see the feminine characters portrayed as naïve or ditzy and the masculine characters as strong and brave.

We have these characters in the beginning of the show that are nice, gentle, caring, all these things that we associate with femininity. But when they "grow" as a character, the become cruel, harsh, and selfish. They become their male counterparts.

Again, this isn't saying that woman are not just as capable of these traits as the men, they are. It's also not saying that all men behave this way. And there is nothing wrong with mixing and matching traits and characters, however, we need to see more diversity shown in a positive light. I wanted to see the show glorify more strong "girly" female characters or even strong, feminine men. We see Stefan tend to exhibit more compassionate traits, but he is often mocked for it or it is shown as a reaction to his addiction, rather than a natural way for men to behave.

Katherine is a great example of women taking on more "masculine" tendencies. While she may have started out exhibiting strong feminine qualities when she was human, her fighting to survive made her leave behind her feminine qualities and adopt more masculine ones. We also have to acknowledge how naïve they portrayed Katherine as a human. She was not only kind and compassionate, but easily manipulated by Klaus. We don't see the cunning woman that we see in present time. But this can make sense since she had five hundred years to harden. We don't see her go through it all, but the way she talks about her life, the audience can understand how she changed. The writers saw how much people loved Katherine and really just said copy/paste. All of the women go through so much that they just keep applying this same formula to each of them.

Elena essentially becomes Katherine for a few seasons. I love early seasons of Elena and then the very end when she turns human again. But as a vampire, she loses, ironically, so much of her humanity. The thing that made her character special. She was a caring person and her friends and family were her whole world. She wanted to be a doctor and save people and help those around her. She didn't want to harm anyone or be cruel. But as a vampire, she becomes so wrapped up in her personal life that she neglects everything else. She compromises her morals over and over again and you see her becoming Katherine at a much quicker rate. It's also worth noting how often Elena's autonomy is stripped away from her as a human versus the independence she can only seem to get by being a stereotypical vampire.

I know the writer's racism is the reason we didn't see Bonnie go down this path because they didn't want to give her a main storylines. If they had, they likely would have done the exact same thing, because it was all they knew how to do with women. But I love that Bonnie was always a caring person. Yes, it was frustrating to watch people take advantage of her, which they often do with caring characters. But it was refreshing to see her fight against the stereotype of needing to be a selfish, angry person in order to be a badass. She was an amazing, strong character and it was rooted in her compassion. Most of the women, in TVD specifically, have periods where I just don't like the characters, but Bonnie never does. And she isn't given enough credit for actually standing up for herself. But because she does it in a compassionate way, it is overlooked. Bonnie set healthy boundaries, rather than cutting people off or trying to kill them. She was the humanity of the entire show.

Bonnie and Cami to me play the same role in the show. They are the moral compass for the audience. They help remind the audience that the vampires are still the bad guys even if they are the main characters. While I understand Cami's vampire era, I hated that they made her go "dark." We've already seen this way of dealing with trauma. I would have loved to see someone handle their trauma in a healthy way. The show seemed to think the only way to handle life was to get angry and hard. They essentially try to push Cami to be more like Klaus. Whether this is because they felt like she needed to be more "badass" to be with Klaus or because they were attempting to turn the audience against her, I don't know. But they took a character who's strength came from her hope in humanity and twisted her to be just another angry vampire.

I also find it interesting that no one says Klaus or Vincent were trying to "change" Cami by reminding her of who she was before like they do with Stefan and Elijah. But that's another post.

A woman doesn't need to shed her femininity in order to be strong and independent. Masculine traits should not be the only ones we value. (I could write another post on how the men are seen as lesser when they exhibit more feminine traits)

We see bits of this with Rebekah in TO. We start seeing more of a compassionate side of her come out. But a lot of it is shown as her being naïve. They belittle her for still fighting for love after all of this time instead of showing the strength it takes to still be able to want to find love after being hurt so many times. She is vulnerable with Marcel and he uses it to figure out where her family is. Anytime she is respected by the other characters, and even the fandom, it's when she is ripping people' hearts out. We also can't talk about Rebekah without talking about how, when women turn into vampires, they are concerned about having children, but we don't see the same conversation with men.

And don't even get me started on the "crazy ex-girlfriend" trope that they reduce even the strongest women down to (Katherine, Qetsiyah, Rebekah, Aurora, Celeste, etc.)

Hayley is a little different because she is introduced in the show and "she's not like other girls." I think a bit of it is she is older and not into the "teen drama." But either way, she was introduced as a tomboy. I do like that they bring out her more feminine sides at times, but it is usually followed up with someone taking advantage of her. I've talked about it a lot, but her autonomy is constantly being stripped away. Anytime she shows any kind of vulnerability, she is immediately stripped of her own rights.

I haven't watched Legacies, but I did watch a few episodes of season 1. I thought they had done a better job of diverse femininity. Hope seems gentle and kind, Josie really plays into her femininity, while Lizzie was feminine but had strong "masculine" traits. But based on the edits/clips I've seen, Josie leaves the show and Lizzie and Hope both just become mini Klauses.

I would have loved to just see a strong woman who never had to compromise who they are and still survive. I really think Bonnie is the only one. This isn't to say there aren't problems with how Bonnie's character is depicted. There are many. The amount of times women in the show, specifically Bonnie, has to sacrifice their very lives for men to survive is ridiculous. I just love that she never had to adopt stereotypically masculine traits in order to survive or be seen as strong. She gained respect because of her love and compassion.

I also purposefully didn't talk about Caroline because I think she is a difficult character to nail down on what her underlying personality is. She is similar to Lizzie where she appears very feminine with strong "masculine" traits. I think a lot of this gets lost in the writing. She tends to be used as plot devises for the men, rather than being her own character in her own storylines. But just the fact that the fandom hates "insecure, human" Caroline and say it's a good thing Katherine killed her says enough about how the fandom views teenage girls and women.

#the tomboy trope #feminine women are just as strong #feminism isn't making everyone behave like men #I could talk forever about the issues of how feminism/femininity is depicted in tvdu #tvdu #the originals #the vampire diaries #tvd #women in tvdu #tvdu metas #metas

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blueinkedfrost · 2 months

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Can you talk about the misogyny and sexism in Remarried Empress I'm interested in your perspective.

Sure!

Remarried Empress is a story that pits Good Girl (Empress) against Bad Girl (Rashta). Why is Rashta bad? She's hated before she does any of her most evil deeds because of sexuality - she seduces the Empress' husband (even though he is the one betraying his wife and exploiting his mistress). Rashta is shown as two-faced and manipulative, presenting herself as childlike and cute in front of the Emperor but in reality trying to secure her own power, which is also condemned by the narrative.

I think woman-as-sexual-manipulator is a toxic sexist trope that falls apart when you think about why the woman is doing sexual manipulation to get her way: because she's not powerful enough to get what she wants any other way.

Why hate a woman for using the only way that society leaves open to her?

There's more nuance than that (although nuance is not what Remarried Empress has at all re: Rashta). Real life example - Lola Montez' relationship with a king lost him his throne and I don't think she was a particularly nice person. I don't think it's inherently bad/sexist to write this character archetype, but it's a lot better if you capture some of the nuance and end up with a more complicated/interesting character.

Also there's the slavery.

A counter example - the manhwa I Shall Master This Family also has a Bad Girl who's pretty one dimensional, the Empress. At least where I'm up to in the story, she's just evil and wants power for herself and her son. But, unlike Rashta, she's not a misogynistic stereotype of a villainess - her power comes from being a talented, ruthless businesswoman. She's pitted against heroine Florentia because both characters are capable but the Empress is more cruel, willing to hurt and abuse her husband's second son for her own benefit. And along the way the story gives Florentia a few female friends, not just writing a man's world where women are always pitted against women. So, even though this character is like Rashta in that she's evil without a lot of nuance, she's a great example of a female villain who isn't a misogynistic stereotype and contributes to a good story.

#remarried empress #Rashta #fandom meta

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fudanshidoublevision · 2 months

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Double Vision as a father.

Ray better kill him before Double puts his bloody claws on MC and even thinks of forming a family with them. /j

Dude, no, imagine being his CHILD, i feel sorry for anyone who has Double as some type of...paternal figure, LMFAO.

Experiencing parenthood isn't on my “to-do list”. Plus having a child, on this ECONOMY? I'm good.

Parenting is a humbling experience, my parents had taught me AND told me that. Well, that is certainly my fault because I was the devil reincarnated when I was a kid— but they still call me their little devil so not much has changed I guess. ( ͡°з ͡°)

But in this scenario...even if the circumstances aren't ideal, I believe that anyone can do their best if they really want to, it's not easy. It isn't the children's fault that their parents are so troubled. (meaning, if their progenitor is Double Vision in this case, lol)

I've discussed this with my best friend once, a long time ago and they said something about how Double will view his child as a possesion and extension of himself (and yours too, because he would only care about that kid just enough 'cause you are attached to them), i kind of agree with him. But, I mean? If Double Vision has kids with MC, wouldn't that mean he is fond with the idea of having kids? I haven't mentioned nothing about him being capable of “baby trapping” you because everyone else is disposable to him but you aren't. For all he cares, he only needs to held you tight by your throat to remember that he only needs you, he doesn't want or need someone else. In this scenario, your child was planned and wanted.

Even if you loved your child, he will be uncapable of loving them back the same way you love them but he wouldn't be uncaring, dude is deranged and a major bad influence. Mostly because of the way he is and taking in consideration the fact that his parents were emotionally and psychically absent when he needed them around, it's not an excuse considering how in this similar scenario Ray didn't had NO good-present parental figures on his whole life but wants to try his best, it just kind of explains why he acts and why would he act like that. I'm not saying that Ray would be perfect at parenting a child just a bit better than Double for sure, not gonna lie Double gives me “crazy-unstable uncle” vibes.

He is not right in the head, neither i am but hey, this is not a competition for who's more deranged, so...someone has to be the relatively-stable and emotionally available parental figure. (Meaning, YOU.)

Just sane enough to not make a mini Double 2.0. Who can be worse.

He would care...and “love” (the way he “loves you” is pretty different) his own child his very particular way. Yeah, he would be cruel and a piece of shit to you but just a tiny mean and highly authoritarian towards his child.

me if our kid ever asks me why their father fucking SUCKS at giving advice and why is it always has to end up with someone getting hurt:

"Mini-me, if you ever need adivice, you can open up to me and say whatever is bothering that little head of yours. Keeping some ugly thoughts to yourself isn't good, whatever it is, I'll never judge you and you'll never scare me off....What about your dad...? Eh, he...just isn't the best giving out advice. Some people aren't good with their words...and tend to say things that are bad, sometimes it's better to do...whatever you think is right instead of following what others may "advice” you but you can always double-check with me to know if you are doing the right thing.

Why, you ask? WELL... what about if we just...OH, what if we go out for a bit? Would you like that? I'll buy you whatever you want. ANYTHING! Just...dont tell your dad, okay..."

It's sad but it's not easy to explain to children why their mom/dad/parent acts or behaves “weird” or is incapable of doing things their other parent can do.

Oh well, i believe Double's kid wouldn't question what their dad tells them to do or say because...that's their father, they don't know any better than what their parents tell them.

Double's parental skills aren't the best; he is driven by his own emotions and he is the definition of what impulsivity means. He doesn't care much about consequences and who he might hurt to achieve what he wants and what he NEEDS. (You, again, for example. He obliterated the previous Night Crew members because of your “disappearance”. He may or may not broken someone's bones and mayyybe, just maybe! I think... he threatened some people here and there to get your location.)

I thought that maybe he would use your own child as a weapon to tame you so you'll do whatever he says. Emotional manipulation and conditioning...not even that poor kid is safe from that, Double is VERY MUCH controlling and overprotective. No matter how you behave, he stills wants you but of course, he loves a defiant behavior but he can't deny that he enjoys it when you "make things easier".

After all, parents will do anything for their children, right? Oh well, I'll be guessing that you'll do that for the sake of your child. Sorry if I'm wrong.

It doesn't really matter how that child appeared or how they were conceived and brought to you two to form a family. Those little details don't matter, you'll try your best, right? No matter what. You don't have much of an option if you are with Double, I guess. ಠಿ_ಠ

But I have the feeling that this freak will be overjoyed if the kid, shares your and his blood and genes. Just another thing to reaffirm his ownership over you. I don't think he will be capable of harming his own child, psychically, I mean. Maybe he WILL threaten you and say he'll hurt your kid when you “act feisty” so you'll give up.

Double Vision wouldn't be jealous at all of his child if they take all the attention from his most beloved possession off him because they aren't simply a bit of a threat to him and that kid is just trying to bond with you, i don't think Double would even bother to get in between of the parent of his kid and his child. Unless it is to annoy you or just be insufferable, as usual.

I like the idea that he underestimates what his child is capable of doing, lol.

For my own mental peace, i didn't added details like “what if your child had abilities?”. Because I have the feeling Double will be up to NO good with that little piece of information.

But let's just sit and think about it, either way, if your child is an ability holder or not, doesn't really matter if Daddy Double is around. Anything is possible and who is he to deny his child's wish to follow his daddy's step? Villainy, I mean, lol.

He would be overjoyed and proud his child wants to be a villain, like his parents. Well, he still is a villain and MC is not longer in the business because of Double, LMAO.

If you'd like to enter a more dangerous territory well, what if his kid wanted to become a hero? Not even an option, haha.

It's not like they have one, being a villain or just a regular citizen, no child of Double is going to become a hero on his guard. He will be very open about his distaste on the wish of his child wanting to be a hero, he might be ticked off by that.

Maybe he is usually cold-headed when he interacts with his own child, I think it's enough with him having you in edge constantly, at least he wouldn't behave or treat them the same way he treats you. Even though, there are times that his patience runs thin (when annoyed or angry, not entirely directed towards his child) and could say some concerning things that his child may take to heart.

Parents knows best, I've heard from a certain someone say before.

Now, what if that child grows? Woah, they are going through the terrifying, horrifying, traumatizing, horrible phase of adolescence! Amazing, worst years of my life! ᕕ( ՞ ᗜ ՞ )ᕗ

They are slowing growing into becoming an adult, they might realize how different everything looks when you are a bit...mature, you become more aware of what's going on around you. They will notice about how some behaviors from their parents aren't normal and not what they seemed, I'm specifically talking about Double Vision but you get it.

Maybe they will develop a rocky relationship with you but I believe that no matter what they will still love you and care for you, maybe you'll become their favorite and appreciate more the way you cared for them, who knows. Maybe they will hate you because you didn't tried enough and had to choose Double Vision as their shitty dad (I think it's for the best if they didn't know the reality of your situation 😁), they will grew and distant but who knows...?

About Double, I have the feeling that for their own sake they'll ignore his dad's existence as much as they can, Double is aware of that and doesn't care that much but I won't deny that he might be annoyed by that and oh NO! They ended up being just like you and Double is going to pick on you for that and even say that is your fault why they hate him so much.

Maybe it's for the better if your kid ended up being more like you rather than Double.

Double is an only child so i believe that he'll only want one single kid but I don't think he would be opposed of having another one but MAYBE, just maybe, no!

But there's something I believe that everyone can agree on and that's on the fact that Double looks so fucking HOT with grey hair.

And oh my FUCKING God, his gloves? You can see his tattooed sleeves and his neck? I feel like a Victorian man seeing a woman's ankles for the first time. I want to break his senile back.

Conclusion, could you have kids with Double? Absolutely, will he be a good dad? Questionable but most likely, not. I think he might be like his parents, he exists but he isn't a reliable person for his kids, it's kind of difficult to come a conclusion because he is so complex to me, my opinion on him is always ever-changing.

OH YEAH, you and your child might be the only ones besides some of your family members who probably meet him wayyyyyy before, a long time ago, that know his real name. It isn't that relevant but one of the most important things a kid has to know it's their parents name and last name, right? Not that Double's real name is going to be used as much as you might think.

I wrote this solely because I had a dream where Double Vision was my uncle and he lived on my grandparents backyard??? Sick and I just wanted to post this because I spent three days of my life writing this and then chickened out.

This post in particular wasn't proofreaded (at all) by my friends that usually encourage to post my dusty drafts.

I hope you liked it, I might add some things to this post in the future...

Anyways, Haley bae is next. Maybe even Binary Star because I think having kids with him sounds scary, if you are aware of WHY ARE YOU having kids with him on the first place (canonically speaking).

How would Double actually act if he ever had a kid: /j

I had this video on repeat playing in my head while writing this.

#binary star hero #bshvn #bsh #double vision #bsh double vision #that one post od peepaw double activated a neuron #i love peepaw double #i love the elderly!!!!!

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marley-manson · 9 months

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I am grateful for your Mash Metas, your BJ ones for sure. They are much more closer to what I think of him, and I was starting to think I was not understanding his character properly because I think he's mean to others, especially Hawkeye.

But I think it makes him more interesting. Hawkeye's best friend who doesn't like him, but wants to be liked by him. He loves Hawkeye, but he does not like him. Do you think this would eventually bother Hawkeye? After the war when he thinks about it? Or would he never notice it?

Thank you, I'm glad you've been enjoying my takes! And thanks for your interest in my opinions!

Ohhhh man I love how you put that, doesn't like him but wants to be liked by him, loves him but doesn't like him, it's so good. Now that's the kind of interesting dynamic I'd read 1000 fics about.

This got long lol so it's under a cut

To be perfectly fair I think I probably go a step beyond what the writers intended wrt the flaws in BJ and his friendship with Hawkeye. I think we have clear demonstrations of resentment, taking his negative feelings out on Hawkeye, passive aggression, tearing Hawkeye down to build himself up, etc, but I think we're meant to take most of it in good comedic fun, and sympathize with BJ even when the show's painting him as genuinely cruel, because he's sad and misses his family etc. This behaviour isn't really meant to significantly darken the vibe of their friendship, probably.

But yk, to me it does lol, I don't think the writing/acting threaded the needle successfully. Maybe it would've worked for me if I saw more chemistry between Hawk and BJ, idk. But yeah the way you describe them is def the impression I get, and that's the headcanony angle I'm gonna discuss them from here. Basically BJ and Hawkeye's friendship being uneven bc Hawkeye genuinely likes BJ while BJ usually likes being around Hawkeye and does love him in a way, but dislikes/resents a lot of things about him, and shows it in cruel ways.

So to actually answer your question... idk lol. I mean I can see a few possibilities. Like I feel like it does bother Hawkeye in canon a little, but not enough to cause an actual rift. Like, reasserting himself once after one of BJ's intense prank schemes by mildly revenge-pranking BJ fixes things for him. When they argue, they eventually just agree to stop arguing without resolving anything because they're stuck together and they need each other. In Wheelers and Dealers he's alternately exasperated with BJ and soothingly placating, and it's Margaret who has to come in and yell some sense into him. In Heroes Hawkeye goes out of his way to try to make BJ feel better after several jealous digs BJ makes at his expense, by trying to get some limelight on him. He's vocally upset about the punch in Period of Adjustment but he's ready to be a shoulder to lean on as soon as BJ apologizes. In Picture This he drops the petty fight instantly when he's led to believe that BJ needs his support. He often gets upset with BJ, but never truly puts his foot down and always capitulates.

So yeah I get the vibe that Hawkeye knows that their friendship is uneven and he gives a lot more than he gets, and that BJ resents him in a lot of ways and lashes out because of it. Plus in addition to how he responds to a lot of BJ's bullshit, he also just generally is pretty emotionally intelligent and tends to understand people imo.

And I don't think Hawkeye puts up with it because he lacks self esteem and doesn't think he deserves better, I think it's because a) he's empathetic and sympathizes with BJ and the war's effect on him and b) he doesn't have much of a choice but to put up with the negative side of their friendship, because he relies on that friendship too much. Plus I think while he has a mostly realistic view of himself, he does see himself as a little more more resilient and capable than other people, and therefore willing to put up with more. Like to an extent I almost see him tolerating BJ's lashing out as indulging him? Like, 'okay get it out of your system, I can handle it.' I don't have concrete reasoning for this lol, but it's mainly his behaviour in episodes like Dr Pierce Mr Hyde or Dreams where he doesn't sleep because he's the best surgeon and he's needed, even while sending others off for breaks, combined with always being a shoulder for BJ to lean on no matter how shitty he's been (eg Period of Adjustment, GFA), and like, the end of Fallen Idol lol where he basically says 'whatever pedestalize me i guess, i can take it.' And the way he never gives as good as he gets in the prank episodes, which narratively is because the show likes it when Hawk is a victim, but lbr it makes sense if it's partly bc he knows BJ can dish it out but can't take it.

So I feel like post-war Hawkeye would be aware of BJ's weird contradictory feelings about him, because I like to think he's aware during the war, but he wouldn't really resent it? He'd probably still have fond memories of the friendship and he'd see it as kinda messed up but so was everything else while he was drafted and it was better than most aspects of living in a war zone. He knows they were stuck together and probably wouldn't have been friends outside the war, and they made the best of it. And if BJ kind of sucked at holding his end up, well, the war was hard on him and Hawkeye sympathizes. I don't think he'd ever really frame it like, "Hey wait, I was the one who had a breakdown actually, so why was I BJ's emotional support and punching bag combined?" I think he's just automatically very tuned into other people's pain - not to the extent of ignoring his own, but in a way that's like, he'd rather help someone else than wallow in his own misery.

But if he saw BJ again post-war for any length of time and BJ fell back into those old patterns, I don't think he'd put up with it now. If BJ was like, going through a messy divorce or something he'd be sympathetic and probably give BJ some leeway, but he doesn't need him now, yk? He'd walk away if he needed to, imo. I don't imagine him giving a whole cathartic speech to BJ about toxic friendships exactly lol, but I think he'd say something about how they're not in Korea anymore and BJ needs to deal with his shit constructively or they can go their separate ways.

Note that my post-war take on Hawkeye is that he's happy, largely mentally healthy, and has a big network of friends. If he's miserable and isolated and borderline suicidal like in a lot of fanon maybe then they could fall right back into weird toxic vibes and Hawkeye would be like 'w/e this might as well happen.' But honestly I don't really vibe with that version of Hawkeye. Considering how many friends he made while falling apart in a warzone I think there's about a hundred percent chance he has a good support network of people when he's back home.

#i'm sorry anon i could not form this into a more concise or coherent response lol #maybe partly bc i'm tired but mainly because i always have a lot to say about hawkeye lol #marley on mash #ship hb #bj mash #hawkeye mash

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dreamingkdrama · 11 months

Text

Relationship analysis:

Seo Hwi x Nam Seon Ho

They are close friends from childhood who have always supported and helped each other. But things changes when they are challenged with reality of the regime, their past, prejudices and intrigues of the powerful men fighting for the influence.

Happy careless times will end when their ambitions put them against each other and Seo Ho driven by his desire to be appreciated by his father beats Hwi unjustly and win the exams. Hwi is dragged out of the arena and Seon Ho's father then send him away to lifetime service in army so he isn't longer a thread to his family

Seon Ho regrets his actions. He takes care of Hwi's sister Yeon, but his guilt won't stop him from trying to get more power to be able to take revenge of his father (and also get his respect, he has some really serious daddy issues). Meanwhile, Hwi is going through hell in battlefield when leaders decide to abandon his unit. Seon ho thinks Hwi is dead.

When they finaly meet again, Hwi saves Seon Ho's life begging the doctor to heal his wound he got in the fight. Hwi still thinks about Seon Ho as his dearest friend and is happy to see him. Seon Ho isn't that happy. Maybe he was feeling the guilt and sadness when he thought that Hwi is dead, but now he probably doesn't know what to do.

It seems that Seon Ho kind of regrets his actions but he decides to stick to his new role and tells some terrible things to Hwi. He admits it was him who sent him to army (but it was actually his father) and now he was sent here to kill the rest of his men. Is it some kind of reverse psychology that makes him do even worse things than he originaly regrets? I have no idea. Seon Ho also tells Hwi that his sister is dead and he will kill him too if he will come back to take revenge on his family. It's probably attempt to protect Hwi and his sister from being killed by his father who is really capable of anything. But it really isn't the best way to protect your fried's life by hurting him more.

From that day, their paths starts crossing more often and Seon Ho is acting like Hwi isn't longer his friend. He convince his father to use Hwi and make him obedient by keeping his sister hostage, which probably saves lives to both of them. But I don't understand why is Seon Ho acting so cruel even though he clearly cares about Hwi and all of this just keep hurting Hwi more and more. More open communication would help a lot. This treatment makes Hwi to change sides and join prince Bang Won who is opponent to Nam Jeon (Seon Ho's father).

Hwi is acting like he has nothing to lose. He doesn't care about himself anymore and there are many situations when Hwi almost dies and Seon Ho is trying to save him over and over again. But now he has not enough power to protect his former friend.

They now stand on the opposit side of the power struggle knowing that one day they will have to face each other and we know this will happend from the opening of the first episode.

As the events progress they meet each other in a fight few times but they have such a love-hate relationship that they are not able to kill each other. They always wound the opponent slightly so he can't fight anymore, but he survives. Seon ho even tells to Hwi: "Your sword still feels affectionate."

Hwi is very generous to Seon Ho, he saves him many times, he stops him from suicide and he apologies for being too overhelmed by revenge that he doesn't saw how much was Seon Ho suffering. But, hear me out. Seon Ho surely has not an easy life, he surely was protecting Hwi and Yeon, but a lot of suffering that he and Hwi were going through was also his fault when he was blinded by his plans and ambitions.

Almost at the end, they again find the lost bond they once had. This however destroy the alliance between Hwi and Bang Won, who is Seon Ho's enemy and who was sparing Seon Ho's life because of his friendship with Hwi. When Seon Ho tries to assasinate Bang Won and fails, Hwi comes to save him. Hwi beggs Bang Won to let them go and promise that he won't be thread to him if he just let save his dearest friend. Bang Won release them and tell them to never come back.

Hwi and Seon Ho are thinking about living better life without intriques and violence, but they are already too deep in the game and they realise that their frieds will always be in danger if they are alive. They decide to make final action. They fight their way to the palace where Bang Won just took the throne and change their lifes for lifes of their loved ones (precisely...Seon Ho sacrifice himself so Hwi can reach Bang Won and then Hwi sacrifies himself for the deal). They die together like friends. It's really epic and I am really glad for this ending, it was kind of poetic.

So, lets make some conclusion. Seon Ho is really shitty friend. Yes, he did protect Hwi and his sister, but his behavior and bad communication helped to make total emotional wreck out of his friend. Seon Ho was very immature from the beggining and he really lack someone who would love him in childhood. I think his psychical instability origin in very young age. He is lucky that he has such a good friend who will not even forgive him, but also undestands him. I am not sure I would be so sympathetic towads him if he wasn't portrayed by Woo Do Hwan who managed to make this character more layered. Hwi's feeling for Seon Ho are not very healthy. But overall, I am glad that they find the way to each other at the end.

What do you think? Did I missed something?

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altocat · 5 months

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I was reading about Homelander from The Boys and I am just baffled.

He was raised exactly like how we all suspect Sephiroth was. They say he was a sweet kid until he was about 5-6, then tests and conditioning began where his doctors ran experiments to test the limits of his abilities. Surgeries, burning and boiling alive, brutal combat training, hours and hours of strict mental conditioning, etc.. He accidentally killed countless tutors and developed isolation depression + an alternate sociopathic personality to cope with it all. He also had a serious desire for a normal family.

And Homelander is an absolute raging sociopath and cruel abuser in the show even before his heavily foreshadowed “snap.” He acts like how he was conditioned, trained, and raised. He has weird sympathetic moments but he still acts heartless 99% of the time.

There is so much now to suggest Sephiroth would have been raised similarly, especially now after Ever Crisis…but he is…different. He is actually calm, polite, and even kind compared to Homelander. The worst we see him act is just grumpy or aloof. Brutal in battle but never cruel as Cloud says. He doesn’t have an evil sadistic side that slips through.

I am just sitting here thinking, HOW?

I've heard this too, though I haven't read The Boys or actually watched the show. The trope of the unstable lab experiment gone wrong is a pretty versatile symbol in popular culture, so I'm not surprised that their stories are similar.

I think Sephiroth is probably more compelling to me than Homelander (again, coming from someone with no relation at all to The Boys) because while he does some shady and violent things under Shinra, I wouldn't necessarily call him an evil person. Sephiroth earnestly at least tried to be good, or at the very least a good friend and leader. He isn't sociopathic in the slightest. He's still capable of empathy, and being moved by people. He doesn't do what he does out of malice, but more because it's all he knows how to do. And despite being paranoid and distrustful of people, we see that he has a very high capacity for loyalty to his loved ones. Kind of touching how Shinra wasn't able to completely ruin him... that doesn't come until later.

#ff7 #asks #ffvii #final fantasy 7 #crisis core #sephiroth #sephcanons #The Boys #Homelander

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coentinim · 7 months

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What do you think was the relationship between Subyss and his master?

Complicated. You said it was the Jules Tronson guy, and if we go along with him being a relatively good person? Complicated.

See, even if Jules isn't naturally cruel or sadistic, he is sure to become violent and crazy after starting to torture people - we humans just aren't supposed to hurt each other in vain, it's unnatural. So by the time Subyss learns under him, Jules is sure to have violent outbursts often and be a very bitter man, yet capable of compassion towards his family. So he would really care abt his apprenticd but sill yell at him and might swing at him occasionally. I think Subyss wouldn't enjoy hurting people so much from the start, he was eased into it and his various mental disorders made him easy to corrupt by the neverending violence. Jules would be a good candidate to ease the kid into it with a stick and carrot type of method and not giving him time to reflect upon the cruelty he enacted.

This is the context. Their relationship is weird because Jules kinda cares about that fucked up kid and Madeleine seems to finally get a friend about her age, so he hates to see that kid go through various stages of mental suffering. Probably as Jules tortures more he also beats Subyss more since he's desensitized and knows how much a person can take etc. Subyss doesn't think about how he feels about Jules but probably admires him to an extent and likes that he doesn't judge him for taking a bit of pleasure in gore, more and more as time goes on. After Jules' death, though, Subyss would consciously think of him as weak - his heart gave out and he had frequent moral dilemmas and was tired all the time... Subconsciously, however, he would miss his master and step father. He's just a champion at gaslighting and deluding himself. Was there any family love? Maybe, when Subyss was very young and still capable of geniuine sympathy, and when Jules was physically and mentally healthy and felt responsible for the kid.

#this turned out so mf LONG #answer☆#i didn't plan on it getting long but i wanted to give *context*

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toweringclam · 4 months

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Concept for Like A Dragon 9:

Given how both of the big bads have been his brothers, Ichiban decides to head off any potential future trouble by tracking down every woman that Masumi Arakawa had a relationship with. His most recent mistress died a few years back of Covid, but he finds out she did have a son, Kenji. Ichiban tracks Kenji down to a small fishing village, but when he gets there, the trail goes completely cold. No one has even heard of the guy.

While he's in the fishing village, he meets a tall, beautiful, and powerful woman named Kyoko. She takes part in some underground fights and is having trouble with a small-time local gang leader. He helps her fight the gang, and she reveals that she knew Kenji, but she hasn't seen him in years. But he always resented Arakawa for abandoning him like that. Ichiban realizes that abandoning people was a real pattern for his father and the two part amicably.

A year or so later, the Seiryu Clan is suffering from a power vacuum. It's still the largest remaining Yakuza family in Japan, but no one has been able to maintain control for very long. Suddenly, Kenji Arakawa returns, and he's the small-time gang leader! Also, he and Kyoko must have settled their differences because she's his girlfriend now.

He takes over the Seiryu Clan and engages in a brutal but insanely reckless purge of all of their enemies. Among the targets are Ichiban himself and all of his friends. Ichiban doesn't believe it and goes to Kyoko to find out what's going on. She tells Ichiban that "Kenji" is a total fraud (duh), with him having overheard their conversation and tracked down the real Kenji. That's how he faked the DNA test, and the only reason she's working with him is to get Kenji back.

I should note at this point that there are several fights with Kyoko. She's the first female enemy in the series, and she often has other women fighting with her, too. She's an extremely capable fighter and easily Ichiban's equal if not superior.

Kyoko proves herself a capable leader, but Kenji is erratic and unstable, a small timer playing in the big leagues. Some of they younger Yakuza start to respect Kyoko far more, but the older, more conservative Yakuza make all sorts of derogatory comments about Kyoko, which he almost seems to encourage.

Meanwhile, Ichiban tracks down where Kenji is supposedly being kept, but when he gets there, it's an ambush, and it looks like he's killed in an explosion. The Seiryu Clan celebrates this at a hostess bar, but the vibe seems off. Something isn't right. The younger Yakuza peel off one by one with flimsy excuses or not even a word. Once they're all gone, the hostesses pull out knives and slit the old Yakuza's throats or hold them down and stab them repeatedly, with the men too drunk to really fight back. Kyoko comes out and finds "Kenji" still alive, being held down. He rants about how they had a deal and she tells him that he shouldn't trust a yakuza. They'll always abandon you in the end.

Ichiban survived, of course. In the house–Kyoko's house–he found evidence that proved Kyoko was born as Kenji. She's a trans woman and his missing sibling. This should feel very different from the typical trans reveal because of how much it's been reinforced that society is unfair to women, and being a woman has only made Kyoko's life difficult. She should have absolutely no chemistry with Ichiban because she knew they were siblings from the start. This is an opportunity for the series to confront its less than stellar gender politics, especially the earlier handling of trans issues.

When she transitioned, Arakawa accepted her gender identity, for good and ill. But first he gave her a cruel choice: Woman or Yakuza. Either way, she would lose some vital aspect of herself. She chose woman, so he embraced her, called her his daughter, and then cut her out of his life. When Ichiban showed up, it brought back all of that old pain, and she decided she couldn't live without that part of herself anymore. She would reclaim what was rightfully hers.

When she has her shirtless fight (with a tasteful sports bra on), her tattoo is of Amanozako. A female demon born of Susanoo's repressed desires, whose name means "she who opposes everything in heaven."

There would be more to this story. Some stuff about Bleach Japan, probably. But it would once again be about the sins of the past and how the Yakuza need to change in the modern world.

(PS: because this is the piss on the poor site, I should note that I am transgender and this is coming from a place of wanting more representation)

#rgg #ryu ga gotoku #yakuza series #like a dragon #fan concept #transgender #transphobia #trans #ichiban kasuga

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dates-with-the-void · 13 days

Text

Void Bois with Scars

Warnings: Implied trauma, physical harm, implied self harm

An idea I had for a bit, I tried to make it as vague as possible so you could insert what kind of scars they'd be. I'm not sure if I succeeded much on that, but hope I did.

Btw, know that you are stronger than you realize. Even if its something small and stupid that keeps you going, if its just for one more day. You're incredible for it, and people (friends, family, even your pets) in your life are proud of you. Keep going, even if its just "one more day".

—

Cho'Gath

Cho'Gath never really questioned, much less wondered about why you hid parts of your body.

Did it seem impractical or stupid to wear clothing during the hottest summers in this world? Absolutely and he'd point it out.

It's not exactly gentle when he points it out, he's not intending to be rude or cruel about it. He legit doesn't understand why you're deliberately inconveniencing yourself- or worse harming yourself just to hide your body.

It's not like you're wearing armor or something needed for your survival, and if you are he'd point out how what you're wearing on top of it is not helping.

You'd end up telling him because he was this close to shredding the clothes you used to hide your body, he wasn't going to keep letting you do this to yourself.

He wasn't happy, not at you for your scars or hiding that from him.

He was furious at whatever put you in this situation. Someone who pushed you to this point, whatever circumstance that lead to you getting these scars. He hated it.

You were his solace in this world, whenever the harsh sun started to hurt or his hunger became too unbearable, you brought a calmness into his life that remind him of home. Which is ironic.

Whatever harmed you deserved to be devoured at best. Even if it was yourself, whoever made that an option to you deserved to be eaten.

Your distress for him to not lash out and insistence that it was fine is what made Cho'Gath relent on his rampage. But he promised you that he was not going to let you continue on this path of yours.

You're the only thing that stands between him and devouring the world, and he was going to return the favor by being the only thing that stands between you and death.

Because if Death was edible, he'd do it in a heartbeat for you to keep you in his life.

—

Kha'Zix

Kha'Zix would notice particular mannerisms that most people don't do normally with you. Specifically he would know you're hiding something from him.

He wouldn't bring it up, because if you're making an effort to hide it you'd most likely avoid telling him or lie about it.

He'd try and find the truth on his own, which is basically stalking you until he sees what you're hiding from him.

When it turns out to just be scars he's confused.

For him, scars are something to be proud of- especially as a hunter. It shows you've survived the worse and prevailed.

Kha'Zix doesn't exactly have much grace in approaching the topic, so he'd just walk up and confront you about why you hid the scars from him.

Naturally you'd wonder how the hell he found out, before remembering the damn mantis can go invisible and has the capabilities of being an unhinged stalker if he wanted to be.

It's still upsetting none the less he went out of his way to find out what you were hiding from him, since the scars remind you of dark periods in your life.

When you two do talk it out, and you explain that the scars aren't...exactly something to be proud of. He both understands and doesn't understand.

Seeing just talking about it upsets you, he relents on the questioning for now and just focuses on making the scars change from something negative to positive.

You still survived something awful, regardless of origin.

Kha'Zix would spend more time with you afterwards, giving you his company and attention to ensure you know he cares and wants to make sure you're safe.

He isn't the best at comforting, and he knows it. But he wants to improve it for you.

—

Vel'Koz

Vel'Koz also takes notes on your unique behaviors and mannerisms in hiding parts of your body.

He however would outright ask on these behaviors. But when he points out lies or faults in your answers, and you tell him you're just not ready to tell him the truth he will relent.

He will wait for however long it takes for you to be comfortable enough to confide in him.

He will actually provide alternatives to your choice of coverings depending on season/weather, because wearing turtlenecks in summer is not ideal.

Honestly he started to piece together what you were hiding from him after a point, from certain keywords in conversations, similarities in behavior to those who have physical and mental harm, common places where you've covered your body.

He still chose to wait until you came up to him and personally tell him that you were hiding your scars.

How you're ashamed of them, what they represent, wish you could get rid of them, wish you never went through that trauma.

Vel'Koz is a very analytical and logical Voidborn, his whole existence is nothing more than to observe and learn the world he's cross into. Emotions are not wired into his birth.

But this brought an unfamiliar feeling in him, something akin to being physically hurt yet wasn't actually harmed.

His comforting was...awkward. But it surprisingly worked. It was basically him going over definitions and studies over trauma, and following it up that your survival, perseverance and continued existence is a testament to your strength.

Vel'Koz will do whatever he can to help ensure you don't slip up and fall back into negative habits, or break your streak of being clean.

#league of legends #monster fucker #exophilia #monster boyfriend #monster lover #teratophillia #chogath #velkoz #monster x human #khazix #cho is a pain to write sometimes #I'm also surprised Vel is easy to write for me like #I thought Kha would be easiest but no its the damn eyeball

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lemonhemlock · 1 year

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i agree with you about aegon's character and helaegon in the show (it is poorly and inconsistently written) but i just want to add that "aemond being close with aegon even if he abuses helaena" is not impossible at all. in average patriarchy setting how a man treats his woman is not anyone else's business and even if he's cruel it's not a dealbreaker for other men to be friends with him. and aemond isn't that super fond of helaena, fandom has written some altentative love story for them but in actual hotd nothing points to their "special bond". aemond grew up seeing viserys abuse alicent and if aegon treats his wife the same way he probably thinks nothing of it. like, if aegon started to beat helaena in public of course aemond would protect her but what they do behind closed doors and how willingly helaena pays marital debt... it's not on aemond's mind.

while your overall take on men's relationships and how misogyny (doesn't necessarily) affect them is not incorrect per se, i find that's a very glacial reading of aemond's on-screen appearance so far. even if you don't ship helaemond, (which i do, so i'm bound to disagree with you here), aemond is shown to be respectful and protective of helaena both as a child and as a grownup - firstly when he expressed his desire to marry her as a child and secondly when he watches her like a hawk while jace dances with her. so he chides aegon just for insulting her and stares at her dancing so jace wouldn't try any funny business, but he'd be a-ok with aegon outright raping her and causing her physical pain?

helaena also lights up when he enters the room, so they at least must have a good relationship, otherwise she would glare at him or have no reaction. instead her entire demeanour changes. so i will have to disagree that "nothing points" to them getting along at the very least. why would she be excited to see someone who completely disregards her supposed suffering and isn't even fond of her in the first place?

in addition, how viserys treated alicent is massively different to how aegon is thought to abuse helaena. for all his flaws, viserys was never physically violent to his wife and rarely even raised his voice at her, maybe during the driftmark scene when he yelled at her to drop the knife, which was honestly not that outrageous a thing to do. he has never been shown to leave alicent in such a state as aegon left dyanna. so if aemond is getting his cues from his father re: how to treat the ladies, he is decidedly not getting the idea that violent rape and making your wife cry is the way to go

moreover, aemond is also looking for any and all reasons to feel superior to aegon and him mistreating his wife and the future queen of the seven kingdoms would be a pretty ugly stain on aegon's character that aemond would absolutely make an issue out of

lastly i would point out that this tendency to turn medieval people into sociopaths isn't necessarily conducive to woke criticism. people were capable of humanity and love even back then and were well-aware rape was a bad thing that was massively side-eyed, if not even legally-punishable. helaena is also not just some random girl aegon married that they have no connection to. she is a member of the family. of course their threshold of acceptability will be different to ours (for example, marital rape like alicent endures is unfortunately not a working concept), but them being fine with helaena brutalized and manhandled by her husband would be strange

#ask #anon #helaegon #helaemond #aegon ii targaryen #helaena targaryen #aemond targaryen #alicent hightower #viserys i targaryen

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kagedbird · 6 months

Text

TESSDE AU (+ Lucia :]) (Allora part 7)

Allora: *clasps her hands together nervously as the group walks in to a very fancy home, embellished with ritzy decorations of this era that she'd only ever seen in Solitude. She feels a bit disquieted, despite her more modern upbringing that was leagues above even this, and yet still felt like she was too impoverished to be here* ...

Lucien: *glowing at being back in his element, nearly walking too fast for the group as he walked to the waiting room where he knew his parents ought to be* Oh! I never thought I'd feel so! Giddy! Isn't this exciting?

Inigo: *glancing worriedly at Allora* In so many words. You have a lovely home, Julian.

Lucien: *snorts* Thank you, Indigo.

Taliesin: *keeping stride perfectly poised with Allora, taking her hand gently and massaging circles into it* I suppose I should be grateful we do not have to deal with this sort of nauseating debacle with my own family. Though I think my sisters would adore you. My mother would certainly be intrigued by you as well.

Allora: *tosses him a light smile* My sister would call you a twink.

Taliesin: ....I have the certain inclination to believe that to be an insult. However affectionate you make it sound.

Allora: *snickers and squeezes his hand*

Lucien: *throws open the waiting room door, beaming widely at Lyra and Davidicus sitting on the couch* Mother! Father!

Lyra: *sits up straight, beaming right back at her son, arms opened wide as he practically dives into her arms* My sweet boy! Welcome home, Lucien.

Davidicus: *hugs his son after, patting him softly on the back* Yes, welcome home. I do hope the travel here wasn't too perilous?

Lucien: Oh, hardly ever really have to worry about that anymore! Even if I were the same squishy Imperial I was when I left, my friends are far more than capable of taking care of danger!

Inigo: You are saying that like you are not still squishy, hehehe.

Lucien: *pouts* Must you be so cruel?

Lyra: *stands up, hands on Lucien's shoulders and smiles softly at the others* Welcome to our home. Thank you for taking care of Lucien- it's reassuring to know he's in such good hands.

Davidicus: *spying Lucia hiding behind Allora shyly, offering her a smile* Oh? What's this little gift?

Allora: *flushes and reaches down to hold her hand on Lucia's head gently* Her name is Lucia. She's my daughter, ah... Mr. Flavius.

Lyra: *eyebrows shooting up, glancing between the three rapidly* ...'Friends', was it, Lucien?

Lucien: *flushes, looking away and awkwardly laughing* Ahh...

Allora: *blinks in surprise* ...Did you not... tell them?

Lucien: *lets out a small grumbling noise* I!... may have forgotten to mention it. But- it's all right! Ahem! Mother, father! This is Allora White! My! Partner!

Lyra + Davidicus: *glancing at each other* ...Partner?

Allora: *feeling any semblance of confidence quickly turning to dust* Christ....

#skyrim #Kaidan Khim #Kaidan skyrim #Lucia #Lyra Flavius #Davidicus Flavius #Lucien Flavius #Lucien skyrim #Inigo the Brave #Inigo skyrim #skyrim taliesin #Allora #Dragonborn oc #TESSDE AU #tes #tesblr #oh boy this can only go well :^)

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careforacuppatea · 2 years

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“I'm not just anti Billy I'm also an anti racist.”

So we all agree that this is just y'all being super performative?

We can all agree this is just so y'all can have a little circle-jerking over y'all's totally being anti racist like damn give these people a medal for being so damn not racist!!!

We can agree y'all being so ~not racist~ performative about your vitriolic hatred towards Billy as a character, but also at the fans who like him as a character, because y'all can't fathom it, or refuse see yourself as ever being intolerant/prejudice or holding LEARNED INTOLERANCE/PREJUDICES because again you're out here loudly screaming proclaiming how you could n e v e r like a character like Billy Hargrove! You're just too pure as the driven snow!

Y'all act as if none of you once held or currently hold any picked up or learned intolerant behavior or prejudices towards others, by friends or especially by family. Y'all act as if denouncing this character's actions so loudly and proudly and clearly much more better than the other fans, that clears you of being an innately flawed, fucked up, and most likely holding a bit of genuine intolerance and prejudice towards whoever for whatever reason you believe might justify it.

Listen fuckheads not liking a character who is clearly flawed+abused+fucked up+raised by a fuck-up douchenozzle+thus acts out and acts fucked up, does not actually make you morally superior and a Good Person!

You loudly screaming about Billy and how Billy is evil terrible the worst does not, in fact, make you not a racist, or not an intolerant and prejudicial person.

Maybe y'all are so pressed about him because he's a mirror for y'all to confront the fact people all people even the abused and the battered and the abandoned, are all capable of being bad, perpetuating bad behaviors, capable of holding intolerant and cruel feelings or views.

YOU are just as capable, and that scares y'all to have to actually face that part of humanity and your upbringing. A character like his forces y'all to face the worse about yourselves too, to confront the uncomfortable facts that you can be hateful and you can be intolerant and you can be prejudice and you can be just downright unapologetically mean.

But instead of confronting those parts about yourself, being honest about it, then try to address what you've been made to see and confront as a flawed person yourself, and calmly and critically assessing a character like Billy Hargrove, y'all just lash out and project out onto others who like him or can sympathize/empathize with his character.

I don't need to feel like I have to denounce everything Billy has ever done every second I like him because 1. I'm not him 2. He's a fictional character 3. I know who I am and what I'm all about and I know my demons and me liking this fucked up little guy isn't going to change that for the worst 4. I just feel it's fucking obvious anyway that what he's done is fucked so why do I even need too?

Y'all don't even LIKE him, so why is it y'all feel like you gotta loudly on a soap box denounce denounce denounce proclaim you aren't racist that really it was the Billy Stans who were the real racists all along because you could never be—

Bruh you're all as obvious as a fucking toupee.

Y'all performative as fuck y'all fake y'all fake.

Stop projecting. Face up to yourselves. Y'all pathetic ass wanna-be bullies.

Stop using your personal disdain towards an antagonistic, flawed, silly but straight up complex fictional character from a silly little TV show to try and wash away your own sins and white knight up on your high horses of faux-moral superiority all up in this bitch.

#billy hargrove #stranger things #harringrove

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fincalinde · 1 year

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Apologies to @thatswhatsushesaid, but your tags on my Yi City vs 3zun post raised an interesting parallel I hadn't considered and I ended up digging into it. Then things got out of control, so I'm making a separate post. I'm really sorry if this comes across as excessive (I didn't think it would get this long when I started it!). If you still stand by your tags of course that's fine, but here is my accidental absolute overkill explanation as to why I don't think it holds up.

I can see why the confrontation between XXC and XY could be compared to the stairs scene with NMJ and JGY, and I understand you're drawing a specific parallel between XXC not really taking on board the significance of XY's pain + NMJ not really taking on board the significance of JGY's struggles, rather than claiming the scenes are directly analogous. And that definitely makes sense on the face of it! But on picking at it, I don't think they're as similar as they might first appear.

My feeling is that comparing XXC not hearing what XY is saying to NMJ not hearing what JGY is saying does a disservice both to XXC and JGY. Even though your point relates to one specific aspect, I think it's still important to take into account both scenes as a whole: XXC has just found out that the enemy who massacred a clan, committed who knows what other crimes, massacred Baixue Temple and blinded his closest friend and partner has been sharing a house with him for years. Even before finding out that XY tricked him into killing helpless innocents and even used him to kill SL, that is absolutely horrifying behaviour.

Not only that, but XY has shown no remorse. He's gone on the offensive, mocking XXC and being cruel to him. Yes this is a defence mechanism as XY obviously doesn't want to lose the life he's been leading or XXC's familial/mentorly relationship, but I personally think it's completely understandable that XXC isn't fully attuned to the niceties of XY's emotional state. And even if he were, it changes nothing. Because, and to me this is key, XY feels no remorse.

XY isn't sorry he used XXC to kill innocents for fun and revenge. He isn't sorry he massacred people and experimented on them. In all his years with XXC, and despite the fact that he's learned to love XXC, he's learned absolutely nothing from XXC about the value of any lives (or body parts) that aren't his own. His only regret appears to be that he's been found out. For me, it's really telling that XY's arguments are all based on how justified he is, how XXC is stupid and naive and his own little finger is worth more than any number of lives. Yes a great deal of that is the swagger and bravado of a hurt child. But the text seems pretty clear that the lives of others really do have no value to him beyond the one person he's learnt to care about.

Of course XY was once a vulnerable and hungry child who was cruelly tricked and grievously injured. He could indeed have died. It was an awful thing that happened to him. Maybe not just anyone would have subsequently have grown up to see all other human lives as worthless, but still, his backstory is a huge part of who he's become as an adult. But I just don't think it's enough to say 'this terrible thing happened to me when I was a child and that's why I've done all these terrible things' if it's not coupled with further development to bring him into closer alignment with XXC's values.

I'm not saying I believe XXC would have forgiven XY and the tragedy would have been averted if XY were capable of genuinely caring about the innocents he killed and feeling remorse for his actions—I really do feel that XY had already gone too far by the time XXC rescued him for XXC to ever reconcile with him once he discovered his true identity. But in my opinion, this is the heart of the difference between their confrontation and the confrontation between NMJ and JGY.

For one thing, NMJ is the one in the wrong when he confronts JGY. NMJ isn't a betrayed man begging for explanations from a trusted companion who lied about his identity for years after having personally committed excessive and cruel revenge against him. NMJ is a powerful clan leader dragging his sworn brother outside so he can literally attempt to kill him for the appalling crime of being more answerable to his own father (as is dictated by the rules of their society) than NMJ. It is completely out of JGY's hands as to what happens to XY. He cannot overrule his father's decisions. And yes, I'm sure JGY does want XY alive for his usefulness—but even if NMJ kills him, that won't change anything. JGS can and will continue to shield XY and NMJ will have broken his oath. (Well, NMJ has already broken his oath in attempting to kill JGY at all.)

When JGY pleads his case with NMJ, he isn't making the argument that he or any part of him is more valuable than any number of lives. He's making the, in my opinion, extremely cogent point that while in theory all lives have value, that value is subjective. He points out that NMJ has taken lives because he deemed it morally correct to do so. Therefore NMJ believes he has the right to decide who is worthy of life and death. What makes NMJ more qualified than anyone else to decide who is deserving of life or death? NMJ makes his decisions based on a code of ethics, but is he completely sure that every single person he's ever killed deserved to die?

Meanwhile, JGY admits that of the people he's killed, some at least must have deserved to live. He makes no claim to pass moral judgement on every person he's killed. But he does make the utilitarian argument that he believes killing one innocent person to save one thousand people is a choice worth making. And yes, he's acting for his own survival and wellbeing in conjunction with the greater good—just as NMJ has ensured his own survival and wellbeing throughout the war. JGY doesn't make his decisions based solely on the moral character of other people (which he is not necessarily qualified to judge), but instead on whether sacrificing one to save many is the right decision.

When NMJ asks JGY if he thinks he's better than the people he's killed and JGY answers that of course he thinks he's different, I actually do think he is intending to confirm he thinks he's 'better'. But what he means is in line with what he's already explained: that the value of lives is subjective, and of course in his own estimation his own life is more valuable than the lives of those he's killed. The same is true of NMJ; he absolutely also believes his life is worth more than the lives of those he's killed, but he won't (or can't) conceptualise that his own subjective judgements don't necessarily carry objective weight. NMJ is certainly not going to examine the fact that (although in some contexts I'm sure he would sacrifice his own life) he does value his life over that of other people.

And NMJ misses the point. Not at all in the same ways as a tormented XXC, confronted by a man who has fooled him for years and is childishly furious with him for even caring about his many victims. NMJ refuses to listen to JGY's point because he has already prejudged him. All he hears is that JGY will sacrifice other people but not himself—but his failure to hear JGY isn't due to grief and the shock of betrayal. It's due to his own inflexible nature, the hypocritical stance that JGY has just highlighted but that NMJ will never reckon with. NMJ hasn't sacrificed himself either, but that hasn't crossed his mind—because ultimately, he believes he is better than JGY by virtue of his birth. This is why, after kicking him down the stairs, he doesn't rebut JGY's point. He just calls him the son of a prostitute.

Essentially, having dug into this to an absurd degree, I think that conflating XXC not hearing XY and NMJ not hearing JGY doesn't hang together for me because XY's position is that his subjective experience is an objective reality: he's genuinely confused as to why XXC doesn't see that 50 lives for one finger (sad backstory included) is completely fair, as lives hold no value to him. He thinks it's stupid that anyone else could value those lives either—it's no wonder XXC is failing to engage with the (genuinely sad!) backstory when this is what it's led to. Meanwhile, JGY is taking a position driven both by reason and emotion. He fully understands NMJ's position but he strongly disagrees and is able to make a coherent argument in response that draws on his own difficult experiences and highlights inconsistencies in NMJ's beliefs. He defends himself and makes an argument for moral relativity without also claiming that he's done nothing wrong.

In both scenes, XXC and NMJ aren't taking on board what they're hearing, but that alone is not enough to support the comparison. JGY makes legitimate points and uses his own circumstances and personal experiences to bolster those points, while XY shares his backstory but uses it as an excuse rather than in support of a valid argument. In my opinion, one is worth listening to, while the other really isn't—and that's why I think the comparison doesn't quite hold up.

#roquen meta #i'm sorry i'm totally out of control atm #yes i still have more asks to answer #ty to a passing raccoon for checking my wording #long post

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