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andthebeanstalk · 11 months

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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need.#the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist.#the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28!#a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents.#they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong.#and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives.#you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead?#or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of.#no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow.#i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong.#just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

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noa-nightingale · 7 months

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One frustrating thing about being autistic, at least for me, is that I can never tell when I will have good days and when I will be exhausted and spoon-less as hell.

Like, yes, sometimes you do something that takes away all of your energy (doctor's visit, appointment with psychiatrist, anything social, anything that forces you to leave the house tbh) and you already know that you will need days or even weeks to recover.

But sometimes you are just out of spoons without any clear reason and you just have to deal with it. You (that is, I) can't predict it.

So, basically, my entire life is just recovering from something and still getting hit with lack of energy.

Don't get me wrong, I like being autistic, I wouldn't change it, but often it is just frustrating.

#autism #autistic #actuallyautistic #actually autistic #i have so many projects that i want to do #and my problem isn't lack of time #i have enough time #it's lack of spoons #it's the most frustrating thing to have all the time you need #and not being able to do anything with it

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parkitaco · 6 months

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sometimes being in a high school english class is like being forced to sit in the audience for a game show called Which Person Here Has The Worst Understanding Of Literary Analysis

#if i hear one more fucking person say that the tell tale heart by edgar allan Freaking poe ‘lacks context’ and is ‘too confusing’#i am going to kill someone #you fools. that’s the point. do you need everything spoon fed to you

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godbirdart · 11 months

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i stay silly i stay silly i stay silly

#please bear with me as i stay silly #aka throw my emotions into my work because i have too much work to get done #a lot of stuff needs to be done by monday and i have no spoons to spare #no time to mourn when you got a job to do #this is unhealthy don't do this but: time to once again pull myself up by them bootstraps and grin and bear what life hands me

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carnivalcarriondiscarded · 2 months

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finished my first day at work and gotta be Honest. barnaby plush is keeping me going rn

#im. so tired.#i. i dont want to do this again <3 #BUT I HAVE TO! AHAHAHA!#im just a little guy. my arms arent big enough for the spoons needed #At Least I Get Free Food Out Of It.#do it for barnaby... do it for barnaby.... do it for barnaby #save me barnaby plush. barnaby plush. barnaby plush save me #absolutely unprompted #im so overstimmed idk if i want to cry or punch something or lay down in a ditch #maybe all three? lay down in a ditch... cry while punching dirt...#OH AT LEAST LETTI WAS THERE TO GREET ME AT THE END OF IT ALL #she was so happy and Enthusiastic In Her Affections #i have three hands #one is holding tight to barnaby plush. one to letti. and the last to jackie #with these three motivational spirits i will make it through my first day of dishwasher training

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imthursdaysyme · 4 months

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stali getting ready for a night out

#stranger things #drawing #art #steve harrington #kali prasad #digital art #steve harrington fanart #kali prasad fanart #stali #stali fanart #i adore them ok #i love to think that kali also views robin as The Authority #that woman listens to no one and yet if steve so much as utters a robin said- that woman is doing it instantly #steve: rob said we need to stop smoking with breakfast #kali-throwing her cigarette to the ground grumbling: god fucking damnit why can’t i live my life in goddamn peace #and one day one of kalis friends is like uh why the fuck don’t you just say no to rob???#and kali stares at them like they just decapitated themselves with a spoon #she’s like uh that woman girl boy thing is The Authority what are you talking about #and they’re like she is literally a skinny little thing what are you talking about #and kali is like you don’t know her like i do #and also i married steve so she’s my best friend in law i have to listen to her #and everyone is like what the actual fuck y’all are the scariest couple in fucking chicago and kali shakes her head and is like #everybody has a boss #and they’re like no the boss doesn’t have a boss you Are the top we don’t understand #and kalis like them you’ve never met her she’s stubborn as fuck once i didn’t put a cigarette out when she said and somehow 2hrs later #i was reciting an entire play with her and she yelled and made us redo if i didn’t give enough passion #i am NOT doing that shit again #and everyone’s like jfc ok fair enough

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sunnibits · 2 months

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loving reminder as someone who struggles with food: you are allowed to add joy to your food. you are allowed to add a little joy even if it’s a tiny thing, something silly or something weird. you are allowed to do it whenever you want, as many times as you want. anything that makes food easier and more enjoyable for you is worth it!! it’s your food, you can decide what to do with it!! you can add rainbow sprinkles to your ice cream. you can cut your food into little heart shapes. you can pack your snacks into cute little bento boxes. it is not pointless or childish, it is an effective and active coping tool that you are allowed to use.

give yourself a little joy. the little things add up.

#even if it’s just a teeny tiny thing it’s sooo helpful to get just a little bit of excitement out of ur meal!!#you are allowed to do it!! if it’s ’pointless’ then what’s the point in denying yourself from it??#I’m being so serious like. put stickers on your air fryer. put your meals into cute containers even if you don’t need them.#cut your food up into little cute pieces if you have the spoons for it. buy yourself Dino nuggies.#try to have at least one thing to look forward to in every meal even if it’s just a little piece of candy #just!! change things up!! be self indulgent!!! you are worth it and anything that helps you be healthy is worth it!!!#there are no rules!!!! you are allowed to be kind to yourself!!#anyways. don’t mind my rambling. I’m just trying to romanticize my own struggles rn #and it’s genuinely been very interesting to learn what helps and how my brain works!!!#idk I just think about it a lot. it means a lot to me rn.#also before anyone tells me I piss on the poor. obviously my experiences are not universal and will not apply to everyone #things that work for me might not work for you and that’s ok!! I wish you luck I love u!!!#tw ed #just a teensy implication #gem don’t look #arfid

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coockie8 · 5 months

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"You can't create fiction about X problematic thing without explicitly condemning it otherwise your readers/viewers will think it's okay to do irl!"

Okay see well I was under the impression that since I'm not creating fiction for literal 5-year-olds that my readers/viewers would already be aware of the fact it's not okay to rape, torture, and murder people in real life without me spoon-feeding that to them like they're toddlers ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

If you're over the age of 10 and still don't know that it's bad to hurt people in real life without a fairy tale telling you so, then that is 100% a you problem, like I don't know what to tell you here :/

#just anti things #anti bs #proship #proshipper #proship safe #tw: rape mention #literally every time an anti tries the ''this could make someone think this is okay irl'' argument on me #all I can think is ''K? Literally not my problem if some stranger needs to be told by fiction not to rape people in order to not do that.''#like if you need your morals spoon-fed to you by fictional media #then might I suggest you avoid horror and other ''taboo'' genres and stick to Dora the Explorer huh?#but we don't just eradicate things from existence because 0.1% of the people who *might* see it *might* try to act it out irl #like if that's the case the bible makes a grating vocal minority act like complete assholes #so are we banning religious texts now because some religious people get a little too into it and make people's lives difficult?

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spoonmoment119 · 1 year

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and this fucker took my money!

#spoon doodles #grian #creecher #yes he does have legs #hes just doing that thing that cats do sometimes #yknow what im talking about #i dont need to explain myself

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the--firevenus · 1 year

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DanCae doodle for the soul (mine spesifically)

#firevenus art #honkai star rail #fanart #hsr caelus #hsr dan heng #hsr dancae #I need more of them it's insane how much they hold me in a chokehold #I like the hc when they do get closer and pining (obvious for everyone but themself) they do these pda naturally #But when they do realize their feelings they got awkward and shy it is the cutest I want to squish them ouueee #Caelus likes to be the small spoon even tho he's taller than Dan heng by few inches #< it's comfy can you blame the guy?

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pretz3l-log1c · 11 months

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Recently I saw a post explaining cats vocalize around humans as a way to social signal. That Humans do a lot of social signaling as well. That's why people talk about the weather or will grumble about the long wait in line to the person near them. Or why people will ask 'Hey, how's it going?' and just want a 'good. Thanks for asking. And you?'. It's all about recognizing you're part of a group.

Then I saw, and reblogged a post, explaining that compared to most marketing stats, fanfiction is exceptionally above engagment averages at even 10% kudos per hits.

Yet, fanfic writers often feel as if they're screaming into a void and that engagement is down/dwindling/dying/etc.

So now I'm wondering if these two things are connected.

I think the problem fanfic writers are currently facing is a matter of community. In a way participating in fandom by writing fanfic is a way of social signalling. It is a way for the writer to go "I like this thing, don't you like this thing too?"

It's like the writer is calling out hello only for 90 out of 100 people to blankly stare at them. 10 out of 100 will wave hello. Only a few out of 100 will actually say something back.

Is it any wonder writers feel like they're screaming into a void? At least when you scream into a void you don't know how many people heard you, you just hear who screams back. It has to hurt mentally to put your heart out there and feel like it's being ignored.

I think about how forums of the early internet age have largely died off. How Tumblr engagement has ebbed over the years. How fanfiction has become some people's main means of engaging in fandom because it's 'free'.*

So I genuinely think the problem here is fanfic writers want community and are trying to gain that through fanfic. And they feel largely ignored/abandoned/snubbed because they're not recieving that engagement.

So my advice to writers:

turn off/hide/ignore your fanfic stats. If email alerts for kudos and/or comments spark joy then keep them. Otherwise turn those off as well.

create and/or join fandom focused discords. Find people you connect with and build a community that way.

put an author's note on your works that you like to engage with readers. That you want their thoughts, feelings opinions, etc. on your writing. Provide links for people to to chat you up on whatever social media site you prefer.

My advice to readers:

if you're going to talk to fandom friends about a fic you read, maybe leave a comment as simple as 'I love this and I'm going to share it with everyone I know.'

if you find a fic you regularly re-read or an author you loyally follow, let the author know that.

if a fic had a huge impact on you, let the writer know that.

Readers please note: I am not saying leave kudos more often, I am not saying comment on every fic. I am saying, in short, if it moves you then let the author know you were moved.

* yes I know fanworks are a labor of love/hobby and not actually free for the creator at least in time/effort. I write fanfic. I'm just saying it doesn't typically cost money to consume.

#pretzel rambles #writing #fanfiction #fanart #I do make an effort to leave comments on RB art for example #anything from 'oh the color scheeme so pretty' to 'a short fanfic drabble #i don't always succeed #and I think that's ok because ai am still RBing the art so other may see it #and maybe someone else will have the spoons to comment #I think we talk a lot about the spoon theory here on tumblr #so I think it's important to think reading fanfic cost 1 spoon but engaging with it cost 2 and most people don't have a 2nd spoon to spare #i think we need to kinder to ourselves about our expectations for how 'successful' a fanfic is #also kinder to readers and our expectations of them

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apoptoses · 7 months

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do you ever make yourself sad before bed thinking about how Armand’s hostility and desperation towards Lestat comes partly from the fact that Lestat came first to rescue Nicki and then to try and help Louis and Claudia, but no one Armand knew ever actually attempted to rescue or help him?

#not bg3 giving me meta fodder for vc #I feel like there’s an essay to be made from this but my life is on fire and I lack the spoons #in their early relationship Armand wants to hurt Lestat just as much as he wants Lestat to save him #he’s not just jealous of the way Lestat lives so freely #but the way he so bravely swoops in to save Nicki #when to Armand’s knowledge nobody ever even attempted to do that for him #so it’s no wonder he hates him as much as he admires him #Lestat is the hero he wishes he had and it’s inevitable Armand become a bitter thing from meeting and being rejected by him #and want to punish him for being capable of giving others the things Armand himself wished for #and though he grows into someone who can offer kindness and hospitality to others #I wonder if he believes he deserves to receive it himself #or if his offers of hospitality at Trinity gate or taking care of sleeping Lestat are ways for him to be in control of a situation #when someone else is needing help #and avoid his feelings about needing to receive help himself #so much to think about and not enough spoons to fully explore ir 🤧#vc meta #armand/lestat

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tazmiilly · 7 months

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guess who almost dumped their hand in boiling water

#I said to myself 'I don't need a wooden spoon. watch this' ljkw wtf do you mean

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warpedpuppeteer · 20 days

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I don't know if it was the audio quality or not but it's so hilarious that Eddie just goes BUCK in such a loud voice. It's giving me 'I'm so cool with my queer best friend I'm so supportive' 😭✋🏽. "You look great together" and he sounds strangled, still talking in a high pitch voice. "Have fun, stay safe!", he probably says as he grins too wide while clutching his forgotten girlfriend's hand tightly.