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marshmallowprotection · 4 years

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Well, hey, if youre willing to write for it im delighted to request it! If you dont already have an idea in mind, how about snapshots of each rfa member with the rfas unofficially/officially adopted child? Or what each would do if they needed to pick them up from school cause they got sick? I kind of love this whole idea so ive already thought up way too many ways to use it haha, but id be happy with literally anything related to the rfa communally raising a kid

I've written some little blurbs for you, nothing long but something just enough to get a taste of what it might be like. I couldn't decide on a specific kid to use so I'm just going to swap between a boy and a girl for whichever it feels right for.

Yoosung

"Sungie, do you always get to see so many animals?"

"Mmm. Yeah, it's part of my studies. If I wanna be a great Vet someday, I have to learn about all kinds of animals and meet them."

"Really cool! I wouldn't mind if I got to hang out with puppies all day."

"Well… It's not always like that."

"Oh, right, there must be kitties and bunnies too!"

They always chatted like this.

Yoosung spent the time that he did have free with everybody's favorite son. He was often one of the least busy members of the group but only during the afternoons while the others were working. They would waste a lot of time playing games that he enjoyed or LOLOL, which Yoosung liked.

They got along really well. Yoosung had taken to him like a big brother, and while he wasn't entirely sure if he was doing it right, he enjoyed the time they spent together.

He wasn't ever really that close with his big sister, so to have a little buddy to hang out with like this was so different!

He wasn't the youngest person now, so a lot of the words directed towards him were now thrown to the wayside. It made him feel like he was pretty mature!

That wasn't always the case, though.

Video games were an easy way for them to interact and because of that he got a little too invested in them. Of course, just because he was older didn't mean that he always won those games.

The kid took it ten times more seriously than he ever did and he had to actually try to win what they were on. He never really had that issue before without having many people to play against. But, it was like Seven had been tutoring him on how to destroy others.

Today was no different.

"I WIN!" he shrieked as he jumped off of the couch and thrust his hands in the air as Yoosung hung his head in defeat.

"Looks like you win again," he laughed, though still a little embarrassed.

Zen

She was a star, a bright shining star.

All she wanted to do was be the one who made all the sad stuff go away, far, far away from here! It was a dream of hers to be as cool as her family was, and she thought the best way to do that would be to practice for the next party!

She got the idea from Jaehee, cause she always said that Zen could shine so brightly that it made her feel better.

So, who else to ask for tips then Zen?

So, she put on her little show as best as she could for him.

"You're doing great, keep it up out there, princess!" Zen cheered her on as she spun around in circles and circles on end, pretending to perform for the little crowd of plush toys and Zen.

He clapped as she finished up her little routine a few minutes later, with her arms stretched out wide and little chest heaving from all the little motions.

Her eyes twinkle with such joy. It was a blessing to see her look so happy and all she ever wanted to hear was that she was getting better at this.

She puffs out her cheeks when he doesn't say much more, "D'ya like it, Zenny? I can't show everybody else less you think s'good!"

This little girl was an absolute darling to everybody that she came into contact with and it was no surprise given her parent, who had been the kindest soul ever to walk the face of the planet. She never caused any trouble and all she wanted to do was have a little fun every now and again.

Zen wasn't all that great with kids, at least, he never felt like he was. He didn't exactly do a perfect job all the time, but he did try his best when he could.

She had insisted that he sit down and watch her perform this time around. She wanted to show that she could be as dazzling as Zen was, and he would stand to agree that this little girl had a future in talent if she wanted to pursue it.

Even if she was a little bit pitchy with her own rendition of Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.

Zen let out a little laugh. He pressed his hand against the top of her head and ruffled her hair. "It was very good. You'll blow everybody away at the next party for sure, okay? I need to watch out. You're going to give me a run for my money."

Jaehee

The little boy clutched at his locks, clearly frustrated with the paper of homework in front of himself. It just wasn't making any sense to him and he really wanted to just give up and quit it.

He had been trying so hard to do it all on his own so nobody would get worried.

That hadn't worked because Jaehee caught him looking so dejected in the corner of the café.

There was no hiding anything from that woman. She just knew when something was wrong and wouldn't let the subject go when she started talking.

She always got onto him. It wasn't rude or mean though!

She was just looking out for him, he knew. It didn't change the fact it was a little embarrassing.

Jaehee looked over his notes and instead of scolding him for the bad marks, she merely hummed and nodded her head. She pointed out some of the troubling areas for him and tapped the spots.

"So you see, you'll need to do this first before you start doing this part of the question. You're getting ahead of yourself when you're working on these types of problems."

He stared at the paper for a moment with pursed lips, "...Oh. I guess I didn't think about that."

"Why don't we try some together and see where it's confusing, okay?" Jaehee smiled.

He may have felt unsure of himself but he knew that he could trust her judgment at times like this.

Jumin

"You look lovely today… I see you and Elizabeth the 3rd are wearing matching bows."

"Oh, you noticed? I tied them all by myself too!"

"Did you? That's very crafty of you to do so, princess. Elizabeth seems positively pleasant about it. Why, may I ask, did you do it?"

"Oh! Elizabeth and I are having a tea party today. We can't have one without looking cute n' stuff. You think my Mommy would like these?"

"She would. That's her favorite color."

Jumin had never been sure how to act around children. He had never really been a normal child himself, and by the time he figured it out, he was already well grown into an adult. Now, he was really learning how to interact with children.

This little girl had stolen not only his heart but the hearts of everybody she came into contact with over the past few months.

She was bubbly and sweet, never out of line, she had a penchant for cute toys and little accessories, and she liked to make her own things and play pretend.

Most importantly, she was the only person in this world who could get CEO Jumin Han to sit in a small chair and pretend to drink tea.

That's what he was doing right now.

Elizabeth the 3rd was sitting on her own chair as the girl pretended to pour out some tea into her cup with a smile, "You want some more, Elizabeth? Really? Okay, more tea for the lady!"

Once she set it down she glanced over at Jumin with a big grin, "I'm glad you like it too, I tried really hard. I made some for everybody to wear! I made you a purple one!"

And if anybody thought he wouldn't wear a bow in his hair for this kid, they were wrong.

Seven

“I did it! I think I put it together, it works, it really works!“

She always looked at the world with stars in her eyes.

Every new experience was something great to watch happen and it didn’t matter what it was that she was doing or trying out. She always smiled and laughed. It was a great sound, and it had been such a long time since Seven had even heard anything like that.

This little girl was equal parts smart and sweet.

If Seven handed her something to work on, she would devour it and figure out what was wrong or what needed to be fixed within a couple of minutes. Seven let her tinker with some of his old robots. Granted, he didn’t give her anything really complex, but still, she learned fast.

It didn’t always work out, but she never lost her big grin.

He beamed. “Oh? So you did! That’s impressive. Good job! Meowy 2.0 here is looking much more lively, huh?”

She gripped onto the little bot and nodded her head. “Mhm! I wasn’t sure if I was gonna be able to figure it out, but thanks to your help, I got it.”

He couldn’t have been more proud.

Seven didn’t know what it was like to have many older people in your life care for you like this in a way that was more domestic and typical. He never thought that he would ever have to chance to be around kids like this, but it was something that he always wanted to do.

She had stolen his heart, though. He would do anything for the kid.

“That’s right,” Seven nodded. ”You don’t have to do everything alone to figure stuff out. It’s actually better to ask for help when you don’t know what to do next time.”

She was quiet for a moment and grinned. “...Yeah, about that. I was wondering, how hard would it be to add a flamethrower?”

Nobody tell the others about that though.

"Does it matter if I make my sky a different color then blue? Why does it always have to be blue? Is it wrong to do something like that? Can it only be blue…? I don't understand."

"Well, the sky isn't just blue, you know. It can be almost any color you want it to be, it's your drawing to paint so it's your choice what it looks like. Why do you ask?"

He hung his head, not wanting to look V in the eyes. "... Some kids told me I was stupid and wrong. I guess... I’m just not as good as you thought I was."

V frowned. He got to the boy’s level and pressed his hands against his shoulders, "Hey… that's not true at all. I love your sky, that's why we put it up on the fridge."

He had really low self-esteem. It wasn’t something that was always remedied by the fact that he had a support system behind him. For some children, it was hard to connect with others in some capacity.

This boy was always radiant and smiling when he was with the RFA. But, when he was alone or by himself, there were those times when the unease shined through. It wasn’t for a lack of love. Those feelings could affect anyone no matter their life or background.

V hated to see that.

“Are you sure?” he asked, quietly. “I would understand if you didn’t.”

Because he was special, not only to him and the rest of the RFA but to himself as well.

“I’m sure. I would never lie to you. Now, let’s see what we can do about this problem of yours at school, okay?”

Saeran

Saeran was always wary of children.

He always thought of his parents and how badly they had screwed him over as a kid, and his first fear was that he was going to do something as bad as what they did to him to somebody else. That was the last thing that he wanted to do to anyone.

It wasn’t easy for him to build a bond with MC’s little girl, but he did try every now and again. For some reason, the girl really liked him and stuck to him like glue at every chance that she got. It was kind of hilarious to see somebody so bright and cheery reaching out for somebody as dark looking like him.

There were times when she would talk somebody’s ear off, but she would never do that to anyone apart from the people in the RFA. She was often quite shy and anxious. With Saeran, though... she was quiet and didn’t often press him for talk and chats.

She seemed to understand that he really wasn’t much of a guy for chatting, and they both could just hang out without worrying about anything. Today was a little different though.

He had walked in the room that she was sitting in, and noticed that she was crying. His body stiffened, and he felt rather uncomfortable. He knew that he could have directed somebody else to the situation but at the same time, he didn’t think he could make himself do that.

He had been in that position too many times as a kid and nobody was there for him. Against the dread in his gut, he sat down next to her and didn’t say anything at first. She was clearly looking over at him.

“S-Saeran?”

“...Mmm.”

“I wasn’t... cryin’... just got dust in my eyes.”

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want too,” he said, quietly. “I just figured you would feel better if you had some company.“

“...Thank you.”

#anon #ask #mod kait #prompt #mystic messenger #mysme #saeran choi #saeyoung choi #jumin han #hyun ryu #jaehee kang #yoosung kim #jihyun kim

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aestheticvoyage2021 · 3 years

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Day 23: Saturday January 23, 2021 - “Demo Day”

My first solo weekend solo here at The Finca in 2021, and I wasted no time busting out the tools and starting a major project to set the table for a year of woodworking hobby >>> transforming my shop space. Long and narrow in the middle of the house, its gotta be a one of a kind, kind of thing - but so much potential. We’ve done the work of closing off the awkward door, and flipping the closet and now - the grand finale - the transformation, the finishing work.

The wall shared with the great room is an unfinished wall with some partcile board shelves nailed to the studs, and old cardboard peg-board which has worked well so far in makeshift organizing my tools. Nothing permanent - practically a blank slate. Ive been staring at it since moving in, wondering what I could do to really make this space awesome. And after several trips to the big box stores, looking at lumber options, I settled on a plan to add some pine tongue-and-groove 8 foot panels. But first I needed to clear the space out. So I spent the day organize and moving things out into the rest of the house. Id have 6 days here before AC comes back to try to get this done and put back togehter! Can I do it?! Id have to get busy right away - no more time for considering ideas and plans - it was full steam ahead.

Id spend some time surfing the web, purchasing new steel pegboard systems that should look really sharp when they arrive next week, and nice shelving systems to store stuff up high. Id have to take out the shelves to get the wall up - which is fine because I’ll plan to build or add new shelving or work benches as I go. I cleared the wall, bending my hammer in the process - turns out this was all pretty well built for being temporary! I researched flooring options with the help of my Dad, and got a brand new UFO spotlight lighting system. Progress-ing.

Oh, and there was the beast task of getting that popcorn ceiling down. Begrudgingly, I decided to tackle that before I did anything else, and this is how I ended up spending my Saturday night! Gas mask on, I covered myself in the yucky dust and then spent a couple hours shop vac-ing up my work. It came off surprisingly well - much easier than the first go at it back on Day 1. I may have found my technique!

Id call it quits finally some time around midnight and finally take a rest but I was right back in there the next day starting to stain and sand boards and see if my idea for the pine planks would actually work. I had to choose between several stain options I had, and when I couldnt decide, I went with two and was really happy with my clever curious accidental design genius. I had six boards to experiment with - and once they were all up on the bottom of the wall - I decided, Id passed and was off to HD to buy more. Itd be a task Id take on for the rest of the week, working against the calendar in hopes of getting it done before Thursday night!

I had to start somewhere, and I didnt waste any time or much energy once I got going on track. Dove right in after months of thinking it through. Its time for the physical creation and I am hopeful I wind up with a place that I am really proud of - my work shop, my man cave, a place of my own. My learning lab. A place to get my hands dirty. A place to do big things. And here tonight the classic “before” shot that I’ll look back on, and link to, when its all done!

Song: Albert King - Everybody Wants To Go To Heaven

Quote:“Emerson's interest is in the workshop phase, the birthing stage of art, not the museum moment, the embalming phase. Poetry mimics Creation and is therefore sacred. More precisely, just as God may indeed be a verb, poetry is the act of creating. The process of poetry also mimics the process of nature. 'This expression or naming is not art, but a second nature, grown out of the first, as a leaf out of a tree. What we call nature is a certain self-regulated motion or change.' Another aspect of nature is genius, which, as Emerson observes, 'is the activity which repairs the decays of things.” ― Robert D. Richardson, First We Read, Then We Write: Emerson on the Creative Process

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vaugarde · 4 years

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Could you tell me more about Starfall? I really like what I've heard so far, but some more context for the characters/their world or even just a preview of the very beginning of the story, would be really cool to see, anything you want to talk about!

AAA ok ok so starfall honestly is. weird. its a pmd story ofc but its also a dimension travel story in the vein of svtfoe sooo things may be kinda wacky but i can share some things abt the story and the pmd world itself!! the story itself has. quite a bit going on tk the point where i already have a prequel mostly scripted that im waiting until starfall itself is more finished to actually start. adhd storytelling folks.

basically though the Starting Plotline is that this platinum ranked team called team silverwind (Castor, Atlas, and Quinn!) get roped into a job request dealing with wormholes that have been popping up throughout the world and something goes VERY wrong and the team pretty much drops off the face of their world and the multiverse entirely. so, our main trio team starlight- Asha, castor and atlas’s daughter whose spent her entire life traveling through wormholes and is tired and mad about everything, Skylar, an amnesiac impulsive dare devil adventurer who wants answers and to help their new friends, and Valerie, the optimistic happy go lucky newest friend whose never been outside her hometown much less her dimension and just kinda fell into the plot- have all set out to find the lost exploration team, find out what happened, and maybe see if they can fix the wormhole issue themselves while theyre at it!

valerie’s hometown, Serenade Falls, is set on mist continent (aka the gates to infinity continent) and is “the hub world” as you will... its kiiinda like a vacation place ironically so like there are a ton of attractions and places to relax and Just Have Fun. theres only one official rescue team placed there (as anyone there knows anyways ;) ) because its so safe. as of right now anyways. hint. in fact skylar chose to stay there after meeting valerie bc “asha we are way too young for constant anxiety and stress we need a decent rest stop now”. so yeah thats the town where our main gang rests and plans things in. the first arc basically is them going into the wormholes, searching for these people, getting into some plot relevant shenanigans, and mayybe getting some hints about their lives that make them question their own selves and the universe but perhaps. ;)

there is also stuff going on in the pmd world as well ofc tho!! bc im assuming people read pmd stuff to see more abt the pmd world. the events of the games are referenced, some more relevant than others (one main driving point of the story actually is caused by gti, but uh spoilers for that game so i wont say 😔) but starfall takes place yeeeaaars after psmd, id say five generations or so after that game. idk if people will care for it but the main things dealt with in the pmd world itself will be emotional stuff. some exploring and conflicts there, of course! but the majority it will deal with is character stuff.

i cant give an official preview or anything yet but i can give a brief thing of what the opening will be like! the prologue will basically show team silverwind’s apparent demise, with atlas handing baby asha to castor and he escapes with them and goes on for a while as she ages before he eventually vanishes too. (or i could cut that and just show the scene of him vanishing... still pondering What Works with the prologue 😔) and chapter 1 is basically about how valerie meets skylar and asha! basically she falls into a wormhole and they help her out of trouble! dont mind spoilers like that bc. its chapter 1. but yeah! its gonna be fun, more fun than it sounds! (besides the prologue thats just gonna be sad sorry)

i could go on about the characters but i feel ive made the post too long as is but THANK YOU i love talking about starfall ty!! im sorry if this was kinda incoherent bc my brain is kinda rushing rn it was more rambly but i hope it answered some questions at least!!

#aprilcruelsday #mail #oc talk

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thebigirishgrey · 4 years

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IRISH DRAUGHT HORSE SOCIETY GB YEARBOOK 36TH EDITION -

For the last 10 or so years of my life the only horses I’ve seen are the ones in my favourite stories, come to life at night in my dreams. The Silver Brumby, Black Beauty, War Horse, The Last Unicorn, you name them, Ive read them or seen them on screen, and at night they dance on my closed eyelids across my mind into their golden fields far far from my reach. It hurt so much to be bed bound and far from the animals I love so much, I am severely disabled with a brain condition that is trying to blind me and mobility problems that cause chronic pain and fatigue that make me feel like I actually have a horse on my back rather than the other way round!

In 2018 I decided that rotting in my bed for the rest of my life, was not an option, for nearly 10 years I’d spent my life in the same 4 walls and duvet, a modern day prison. I asked Mum one evening if she would help me get back in the saddle metaphorically and physically. We found a riding school and there in the corner was a horse they deemed “the scary one”. She was an Irish Draught mare who someone had sold to the school after losing their confidence with her.

“The scary one” was aptly named we thought, as she turned on a sixpence while tied in the corner, would look at you with glaring wide eyes and she was bright white although covered in teasels and mud! A little like the 4th horse, the horse of death! Something about this horse made me want to know her, I felt like I knew her. I had only ever seen Irish Draught horses in books and they had always been very different from this spectacle in front of me.

She snorted as I went closer, scared and misunderstood. She sniffed my hand and licked it. I knew we would friends from then on. I rode other horses for the first few weeks and found that my balance was awful but my determination to ride was second to none. All the time this horse was in the back of my mind.

One day I arrived early at the yard as I always did to groom and cuddle the horse I was going to be riding as I hate it when people just turn up and get on as though the animal is a robot for their pleasure. Low and behold, this horse, the scary horse, was stood, tacked up ready for a ride! I couldn’t believe it, someone was going to ride this thing? How brave were they! It turned out a lady called Caroline….. the same name as mine! was going to hack out with us and ride her. As soon as I saw Caroline reach the yard I could feel the colour green rising from my ankle boots up through my gaiters and soon reaching my Charles Owen skull cap. My envy would have burst though the top and out of my mouth had I not grit my teeth so hard.

I couldn’t physically speak for most of the ride, I was captivated by this monster, chewing and pulling at the bit, spinning round and round, spooking at nothing… I wanted to ride her!!!

I didn’t actually tell anyone after my ride how I had felt about seeing this big mare act like everyone around her was the enemy, instead I went up to her and bathed the mud gently from her hooves. She span so she could watch my every move but she seemed as captivated by me as I was with her. I asked what she was called, Coco was her name.

The next week I went up with renewed enthusiasm to find out more about this amazing horse. It felt she mirrored peoples misinterpretation of my pain and discomfort but how was she misunderstood? Could I get the chance to find out?

I was happy to see the mare was tied up and tacked up ready for another outing, though my heart nearly jumped out of my chest when I was told that I was the jockey for the ride! I was absolutely star struck and nearly burst with excitement but I knew I had to contain my overwhelming feeling of joy and anticipation as this could quite easily send our friend Coco skyward!

I mounted from the block and she watched every step I took, she shuffled and wouldn’t stand as I hovered over her but once our bodied connected it felt as though a plug had connected into a socket, electricity, fireworks, I knew we belonged together. Coco watched me with her antennae ears for the whole ride, she didn’t put a single foot wrong and with my loose hands, allowing her to react to any situation she felt scary, she rode easily and free. This is the Irish Draught I know.

I dismounted and nearly fell backwards into the arms of my instructor as Id spent the whole ride, watching, listening and connecting with Coco. I was absolutely smitten and in love with this horse and did not want to leave her. I asked immediately if I could book in with her for every ride in future and that is how our blossoming relationship started.

Coco took me on so many adventures but restricted by riding school rules we could never spend any time alone unfortunately. I dreamt of her, no longer fixated on my storybook ponies, SHE galloped my midnight fields. She felt different from other horses, something I felt as soon as I got on her, she looked after me in a way that said she knew I was different too.

One day I had had enough about hearing how I had brought Coco on so well and how people thought she was a different horse with me, I found it leapt from my mouth… in the middle of a hack… “What would you say if I asked to buy Coco?” …. my heart had spoken. I’d never be able to afford her without Mum but I’m sure I could persuade her, look what Coco had done for me! I was bed bound this time last year and now I’m riding twice a week! What would my instructor say though? I couldn’t hear for my heart pounding, I thought Coco would spook for sure but maybe she knew what I had asked? She waited as patiently and intently as I did for an answer. “Yes of course you can buy her, I asked your Mum last week if you’d like to loan her!”. What had I done? Id spoilt poor Mum’s surprise! She was asked by the owners if I would like to loan Coco and I’d gone and ruined it by buying us a horse! oops! Well that was my Christmas sorted and for several decades to boot!

I couldn’t contain my excitement. Coco was MY horse! Not yours, not anyones, MINE! I think even Coco knew, she acted like she had a Mum for the first time and I was able to spoil her with rugs and food and all sorts of saddlery! But the most important thing of all was being able to get a vet out to do a health check now that she was mine. Something just spoke to me, maybe SHE was trying to tell me herself, but something said that she wasn’t quite your regular horse.

The vet checked her over, some slight wear from hunting in Ireland, a few melanomas, but what we were stunned by was that Coco was blind in one eye! It made a whole lot of sense about her reaction to various things on hacks, noises seemed to have her on edge before she saw things and items like wheelie bins at the side of the road seemed to have been dropped by aliens out of nowhere very suddenly as we were on top of them almost. It was almost a relief to know as I could adapt her life for the better and make it safer for both of us. I have to thank her for being such an amazing safety blanket for me, despite her own disability, i don’t think many breeds of horse would have done the same.

I adore Coco for the horse she is but I also love that she is an Irish Draught; I am a Murphy and naturally wanted an Irish horse from when I was a little one! Dad’s name was Seamus Joseph Patrick Murphy so you couldn’t get more Irish than him! Coco loves her Guinness and so did Dad, he passed away 12 years ago and I know he would have loved to help me with her and so she makes me feel very close to him. I like to think each time I ride she puts me a little closer to heaven as she’s taller than the ground! So he can see me ride. I had always felt the Irish Draught was most suitable for me as a heavier and disabled person because I would naturally squash a thoroughbred and I need something that’s going to hold my big bum and look good doing do! But also have the temperament of a saint and not so highly strung that it will chuck me off every 5 minutes but that will have SOME character and I love the cheeky draught personality! Who doesn’t?!

Call me a glutton for punishment but I had always wanted a grey horse too! I know they take more washing tablets than Dot Cotton’s launderette but they look amazing when clipped and clean! Of which Coco rarely is I admit! However she has taken me to some amazing events this year where she has been looking exceptional! I had always wanted to do some fun rides and the very first I attended in my whole life was this year at Bissellwood Equestrian Centre, transported by Helen Clarke for my 31st birthday! It was such a dream to find out that Coco would just walk on to the transport without any fuss and also travel like she had done it all her life. I think the last time she had done anything was coming over from Ireland a few years before so I was extremely proud of her. Everyone at the event thought she was such a gorgeous horse and I was so proud to be riding and showing her off. It was the first time I felt like I truly owned her. I took her round the 8 mile course on my own and even walked her around the cross country jumps to see what she thought of them. We didn’t jump any but she was extremely well behaved and we walked over some like trotting poles, what a star! You can see how happy I was in the picture by Cordelia Noble of me cantering through the bluebells! I had specially made a cross country set with shamrocks in irish green, befitting of my noble steed and her heritage!

We attended a few more fun rides, Eaton Mascott was lovely, I am pictured cantering at the end by Something From The Hart. This ride I managed to meet up with a friend and we even did our first ever jump although we didn’t plan to! Coco followed our friend over a log! I managed to stay on in an “its okay Mum I’ve got this” situation! One thing you’ll notice in all of our pictures, also the lovely one by Chris Maddox Photography at Millichope, is that we are both always smiling and happy! Any time I’m with my Coco, I am on top of the world and I don’t take anywhere near as much pain relief. I find she is my healing power and therapy.

We also did our first show this year but due to the fact Coco has a few dents and bangs, we decided we would enter something a little more lighthearted and go for the fancy dress. Don’t worry we didn’t make all of the children cry by beating them but we did win and I was absolutely over the moon with Coco as it was her first time receiving applause in a large arena and although she didn’t know where it was coming from as she couldn’t see it, she retained her decorum! Here you can see us as Gandalf and Shadowfax (female form!) by EquinePix Photography at Burwarton Show. We hope to go back in 2020 to defend our title, maybe… perhaps… it was jolly good fun! Especially shouting YOU SHALL NOT PASS at the cross roads of the horse walk where people were trying to pass.

Another highlight this year was a side saddle clinic with Rachael Forkings at Silligrove Livery in Kinlet, we learnt a lot in our first ever go at side saddle and actually first ever clinic!!! Coco was fantastic as usual and took to it immediately. We were cantering around the arena by the end of it and look forward to another session in March.

Probably my biggest highlight of the year was going out hunting with The Border Beagles Hound Club, I’d never hunted in my life and never thought I could but the beagles took me under their paw and I can truly say I’m addicted and can’t wait to go back. I had wanted to do something special for Coco’s GOTCHA DAY the anniversary of buying her and I was not disappointed, the way this horse pricked her ears yet stood obediently when asked but also galloped like the wind when we wanted was absolutely fantastic, she proved her training in Ireland is still in there and its clear to see that its something SHE loves to do too. Here are some fab pics by Darryl Owen Photography of the opening meet on December 1st. The Beagles are a drag hunt and do all they can to keep wildlife and countryside safe as they practice this age-old tradition on horseback.

Late Summer, Coco and I moved to a new yard, Chorley Equestrian Centre in Shropshire, we have been taught by Charlie Lloyd who served in the Kings Royal Horse Artillery and are now focusing on dressage to have a little try at unaffiliated in the coming year. We also hope to try some jumping and some other great clinics countywide.

I would firstly like to thank the breeders of Coco - LADY YEATS, she was brought into this world by dam Brackney Lodge owned by Alex Moores and sire Rosheen Yeats owned by Pauline Furlong. Before owning Coco I literally only knew Blue Peter as a television programme and King of Diamonds as that in a pack of cards. These ladies have helped me learn more about Coco than anyone and have brought her into this world, without them I wouldn’t be writing this today, thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving me the best gift of all, my freedom on the wings of my beautiful heart horse and soul mate, Coco.

Thanks also go to Cathy Meehan for the information she has so helpfully provided about Coco and her breeding with Gentle Diamond, I have yet to trace Cathal Gallagher who is the owner of the foal and previous owner of Coco but I continue to try as I would love to know about this period of her life. Please get in touch if you have any information.

Thank you to Louise Errington, Marily Power at Suma Stud, and the Irish Draught Photo Archive Facebook Group your information and photographs of Coco’s ancestors has been invaluable in producing a family tree for her, something I have always wanted to do.

I must finally add huge thanks to all that produced the Stourport Irish Draught Horse Society GB show 2019. I attended with my Mum as a spectator last year and was blown away by the kindness of all competitors and judge Julie Cornthwaite who along with Sue Benson (chairman) has asked me to write this article for the yearbook. I watched the show and was particularly blown away and fond of the two greys (naturally some might say!) Silver Grey Bouncer owned by Anna Ersting ridden by Matthew Ainsworth and Nice One Frank owned and ridden by Emma Spencer (Reserve Best in Show). Watching these horses and all others on the day gave me a thirst for more with Coco, to become a better rider and to learn more about the breed itself. I immediately came home and read all of my draught books, having already signed up to the society when I bought Coco. I couldn’t have been more proud of being a member, even a lowly spectator! I was so happy that I swallowed my anxiety and feeling of inadequacy and went to talk to judge Julie Cornthwaite after the show to congratulate her one a fantastic day and her amazing riding (she should have got a trophy too!) but also to find out more about showing Coco. One day I hope to find courage to enter a local show for best tack and turnout as advised by Julie as they look less on scars and melanomas there and visiting the show at Stourport really has pushed me to do this. Coco and I even won tack and turnout at the Border Beagles opening meet so it seems Julie’s words of wisdom have truly paid off, thank you so much!

“My name is Caroline Murphy and I am addicted to the Irish Draught!’

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tellmesomethinggg · 4 years

Text

****

linking this here bc it was technically a journal? i just don’t want it on my notes anymore and if i ever (likely not to) want to re-read for whatever reason. please note that i knew people would read this so things are censored and are the basic version. also there was a switch at one point from **** to chris because i didn’t want things to be read

(for later when i got time lmao)

Matt is a piece of shit that just wants to fuck -Chloe

well fuck

here goes nothing

the plan: don’t get drunk bc i got shit to do early next morning and ill tell him tomorrow when i do get drunk. spoiler alert that didn’t work

Gaby (coles gf) came too btw

so i had a smirnoff ice and said no more than two shots after so id be buzzed but not fully drunk (i ended up having three and was very much drunk)

me jon and gaby we’re talking about guys and i mentioned something about liking a guy or some shit and gaby looks at matt and then me and confirms it with me. then she tells me that apparently when she met me and a few other friends at the beach last quarter, that she predicted the two of us would end up together and told cole this. im like wtf how and she claims she’s psychic lol

later, Matt and i are on the sack and he looks at me and goes do you like me and im thinking well fuck so i say yes and he’s like well shit sorry but (and then i forgot exactly what he said) something along the lines of it’s not mutual or it’s not the right timing (i forgot okay) and then he gets up after a bit to go to the bathroom (I’m pretty sure cole went out too) and then me gaby and Jon have a chisme session and they think that he does like me but whatever

so the guys come back and at this point i really need to pee again so matt offers to take me and we start talking and he’s all, oh im sorry if i led you on and shit and im like it’s alright ill get over it, it just might be a bit awkward for me for a bit. but then on our way back from the bathroom he asks me , do you wanna at least kiss your crush at least one time and im like uhh yeah so he kisses me and then we start talking but i forgot about what and im kinda dizzy so he says, oh let’s sit on the couches for a bit before we go back, so we do and somehow we kiss again and then start making out

and at this point im like bitch there’s no way you don’t like me like why would you do that if you didn’t

so we finally go back and it’s been some time so the rest of em are obviously curious

matt goes with cole to the bathroom again and the three of us have a chisme session otra vez and they’re like yeah he fucking likes you he’s prob just scared bc of his last relationship

cole comes back in and basically backs up their side based on his convo he just had with matt

and so it’s decided that we’ll both sleep on the sack, Jon sleeps on his bed and the other two together in coles bed

he comes back and we all “go to sleep” but I push for him to hold me like he usually does whenever we sleep together and around like 2,3 am we both start making out again and just like uhhhh

also we’re both very much drunk but of course i tend to remember things whenever ive gotten drunk, however, he did not and so now we gotta talk and figure shit out and go from there

also im not telling Emilou or Hanna yet until we figure things out so

yeah

fuck

alrighty, so after last night, ive decided to do absolutely nothing about it and decided to just let things play out the way things do. i don’t wanna say something and ruin our friendship that we have bc i trust him a lot and like hanging out with him, so, i guess the end of this note for now, unless the situation changes anytime soon

Can Tim see what I write on this? -Chloe

Yes -Janet

Hi Tim!

-Chloe

Tim pls respond.

-Chloe

Hi Chloe! Sorry I have been busy at home LOL

He responded I’m so happy!

-Chloe

FYI im just going to add things at the top of the note so that its easiwr to see stuff when i add it bc then otherwise youd have to scroll a ton

and I’m dating shit so i know when I wrote stuff and my memory and yeahhh

FEB 15 1 pm

chillin in alp so lets get this chisme

alrighty so last night i stayed the night in pratts but it wasnt just me so calmate, it was me and jon bc long story short i was too lazy/dizzy to get up and jons roommate had her bf over. basically we both shared the bed, not a lot of physical contact but whateva

brb

anyways, there was also one point where he was watching a movie from his childhood and idk what tf it was but he was shocked that i havent seen those movies, so apparently now im gonna watch them so i told him for payback we gotta watch disney movies lmao

oh also! i fucking got back to my room and took a shower to get ready for class, and when hanna gets back from class shes all like oh you slept in HiS rOoM huh and i was like uhhh yeah and told her the truth like i was too lazy and dizzy to get up and then she didnt really say anything but uhhhh yikes

and then i mentioned this to emilou later when we were walking to class and shes like yeah idk why she did that that was weird and i was thinking like thank God she doesnt think the same as hanna bc shes also slept in his room on the bean bag a few times

FEB 14 2pm

heyyy its valentines day and guess whos still single and workinggg

so uhhh last night, around 1, both me and pratt finished our shit (hw and studying) and im wide awake so im like hey, brooklyn 99? (because i got him into the show and i love rewatching the show bc its sooo good) and hes down so we start watching in his room. were both on his bed but were sitting (for the tie being) and eventually i decide to lay down and use one of his pillows but its the flat pillow so i attempt to steal his other one, which he protests and we lowkey wrestle over it and eventually i fail ugh and i fall over in frustration and land my head on his knee and then just quit and stay there, but get this, he just deals with it and lays on top of me, like his head is on my side. granted we both also have pillows so like his pillow is in between me and him and same for me but like ughhh

and eventually i fall asleep for like an episode (?) and wake up right before 3 am, and then decide hey sleep sounds important bc i have an 8 am and so does he, so i sit up but im too lazy to get up right away so i sit and go through twitter and shit so chris just lays down with his head on my leg and i set my arm down on his chest and he falls asleep for a few minutes and then i finish going through my social media and every part of me doesnt wanna move, but im also in a position that would be uncomfortable to fall asleep in so i wake him up and then go back to my room

oh and the other thing i forgot was that for a good couple hours we were texting and joking around and yeahhh

i feel like im reading a lot into what happens but at the same time, like i doubt id be this comfortable doing shit with guys like this and idk about him, but like sometimes i wonder you know?

also, saturday night, as far as i know, its just me and him going to the basketball game bc idk who else is going (eye emoji insert here bc im on my computer lmao) so we'll see what happens

FEB 10 11am

okay soooo last night,

the plan was to get buzzed, just me and matt and watch Brooklyn 9-9 but then Anthony and emilou joined us so never mind. after a bit, Anthony leaves so he can answer a phone call and pratt offers me shot #1 and not emilou (she’s laying on the bean bag, I’m on his roommates bed chillin behind her so she can’t see what’s up)

we take two and im slightly buzzed but i think “hey lets see how much we can take before she notices” and he’s down so uhhh let’s get this

later we have to include Anthony and he’s down to see how much we can take and he just lets us continue, i get to 4 shots and he finishes the bottle so i can’t have a 5th

brb im gonna go eat with him

okay im back now...

anyways were both pretty out of it, emilou still hasnt noticed and anthony finds this all funny i assume and so do i , and eventually she finds out and then the two of them leave i guess around 2 am and the two of us are both on the bean bag and were both tired and drunk and drunk me like petting his hair and apparently holding his hand and well yeah i kinda hate drunk me bc if that wasnt obvious enough lmao :/

continuin, we basically end up cuddled together most of the night until we both kind of sober up hella early in the morning and kind of separate a bit

and so in the morning guess who brought it uppp and i at least have an excuse that i was drunk and not thinking and just kinda doing whatever drunk me wanted to do (but omggg his hair is so fucking nice to play with omg) anyways imma just die real quick bc idk what happens now

also since no one else was in the room literally no one else knows about this and i think were keeping it that way bc lets be honest if anyone found out about that i think id be screwed for secret keeping and then well yeah

FEB 8 1AM

i remembered:

sunday 2-3

i forgot this happened but before I ended up in chris’s room i was chillin upstairs watching tv and then he came out on the phone with some one and long story short he said something on the phone to his friend along the lines of “you’re gonna have me in your life for a long time” and when he was saying that i was looking at him bc soy chismosa and i was curious and he winked at me and I died

Monday 2-4

so the other thing that happened was I had lunch/dinner with him before my writing class and no recuerdo que decimos, but uhhhh yeah

i like hanging out with him

also, just got back from his room and am more convinced that he may not like me but actually just sees me as a friend but at the same time maybe he does but IDK

i hate feelings and it’d be so much easier if i didn’t have them sometimes lmaooo

FEB 7 5-7 PM

so im currently in the room rn so im gonna try to make this as chronological as possible

saturday 2-2

alrighty so mind you this is the day ive volunteered with ship and have spent the whole day there, (i dont remember why i thought this was relevant :/)

so saturday night, i go to work in his room around 8 (?) so i can work on my essay and finish my shit bc he has a bean bag thats hella comfy to work on

andd so later on, jocelyn comes in to watch anime with him and then after i finish we all decide to watch gabriel iglesias and ended up squishing together on the bean bag with me in the middle of the two of them

and so were all chillin there, laughing whatever and at one point chris fucking pratt puts his head on my shoulder for a little bit and i dIeDddd

and eventually i fall asleep when we start watching emperors new groove and mind you im fucking next to chris pratt like uhhhh my GOD

so i wake up once the movies over and then go to the bathroom and come back and by then he has taken over the whole bean bag and im sad that i cant just get back and go back to sleep so i go back to my room

(hanna doesnt know what time i get back i think and im pretty sure it was around4 am) (emilous also not here bc she went home for the weekend)

sunday 2-3

so i decide hey i was productive yesterday and decide to return to his room to work on shit and try to get as much done before work in theevening

i finish around 1/2? and then i tell him im bored and i wanna do something before work but idk what so he says lets go to the rec room and its just the two of us and its chillin and he puts me on his story playing pool lmao

and then i go to work :(

but then THEN later after work i go for a run and end up back in his room and theres a couple other people there and so were all chilling (mind you this is around midnight)

and somehow i end up falling asleep on the bean bag next to this girl jon from my hall and (this is a secret in a secret) but i hear her get up at one point and then chris pratt then joins me and during the night im tossing and turning and leaning on him a bit (ughhhh i died a shit ton)

monday 2-4

so in the morning around 720 or so i wake up pay dumb and am like oh whend you get here and he explains and then hes like yeah i dont really know the girl who slept in my bed (one of jons friends) and i figured since im more comfortable with you id just move here (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! fuck me upppp) [please note that when i say fuck me up i dont mean that type of fuck]

alrighty thats what i remember that i havent told you, and then the other bit from the screen record was tuesday and now its thursday and here i am in guess whos room again

possibly staying the night lmao

but jons also here so its not like im staying the night staying the night

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menalez · 5 years

Note

how did you parse the difference between true attraction to men and comp het? i’ve identified as bi for a long while and even dated men, but i feel like the more i look at it, it was just comp het and coping with trauma by being hypersexual rather than true attraction. i know you’ve mentioned vaguely similar issues before, so how did you figure it out?

the first hint for me was being so attracted to a girl in my school that i felt almost confused by it, like What is this feeling??? what does it mean?? and after talking to my then-boyfriend, i realised it was attraction (thanks to him. he’s the one who said “now you can understand how i feel about you” when i told him about it). i remember back when i was questioning whether im a lesbian, id obsessively take sexuality tests over and over again. i followed the “compulsory heterosexuality” and “comphet” tag on tumblr and would read the experiences of other women who’ve experienced similar. id think through my history with men, and compare my “attraction” to them to my attraction to women. id ask myself: WHY do i think im attracted to men? what are signs of me being attracted to men? and as i broke it down i realised i did not find male bodies attractive nor appealing whatsoever nor have i ever, i realised that i actually grew up confused by people’s interest in male bodies, that all my sexual encounters with men were traumatic and unenjoyable to me regardless of what they did, that the only times i enjoyed partaking in sexual activities with men was when id close my eyes and fantasise that the person between my legs was a woman, that i hardly found men physically attractive & at most could appreciate it in the rare cases that i found a man who’s Very good looking (but even then it never translated to attraction, it was moreso “wow, he looks so good! how does he do it?”), i noticed just how different my attraction to women was in comparison, i realised that i felt so much shame & disgust over any interaction i had with men even tho i had no reason to feel that way, i could never imagine a future with any men that was a happy one. like it was always such a depressing idea of the future and such a hopeless one too & i didn’t understand Why that was back then, my attraction to men was almost a choice like “ok... he likes me. ill like him then” or “he seems good looking. ok i have a crush on him now” but it was never natural or automatic the way it was for women, id find features relating to males nauseating or unattractive (their chests, the way their body hair looks, their frame, their voices, their genitals, their hips, their facial hair, etc), and i also noticed that men did not cause me to feel any arousal nor any kind of romantic feelings. i thought about my entire life & everyone ive been attracted to, comparing it to what i knew was genuine attraction (my attraction to girls & women throughout my life) to the attraction i was unsure of. i came to realise most men i “liked” were ones i “liked” bc i actually liked their girlfriends or the women they’re interested in, what i perceived as jealousy of the other women was actually jealousy of the men. i noticed that most men i “liked”, i spent far more time thinking of the women somehow involved with them, than the men themselves. what i thought were “butterflies” bc of some sort of attraction to men were actually just discomfort and anxiety. a lot of it, i realised, was just me trying to feel normal among my (girl) friends who were quite into boys.

but honestly the real way i became sure of it was when i took someone’s advice on tumblr stating that i should sleep w men and focus on how i feel and whether im enjoying the sexual situation or not. it said something like “centre yourself and allow yourself to experience it fully”. for once, i had sex with a man without allowing myself to dissociate or fantasise about someone else. it was horrible & torturous and i distinctly remember crying afterwards and just wanting it to end so badly throughout, it felt similar to my rape almost and i wouldn’t recommend for anyone questioning that they may be a lesbian to go through such lengths. but by the time i did it, i knew that i was a lesbian and am in no way, shape, or form interested in men. i don’t think it was worth it bc i would’ve figured it out at some point anyways without essentially retraumatising myself.

#i remember having vaginal pain (?) for like. 2 days after.

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totally-tae · 6 years

Text

The Regular

Character: Namjoon x Reader

Genre: fluff, coffee shop!au, slight angst?

Word count: 5k

You’re working in a coffee shop and Namjoon visits frequently.

„Christie, I’m taking my break!“ I announce to my co-worker and start taking of my working apron.

“Alright, see you in a bit!” She replies while fixing another customer their coffee.

Almost naturally my gaze drifts over to a particular corner in our little shop. As usual one of our regulars is sitting over there reading hi….wait a minute! Was he just looking at me?

I stop and continue to fold my apron.

No that can’t be. I must be seeing things.

I make my way over to the staff room, but my gaze still lingers on him. Now he’s reading one of his books again and I can’t help but notice that he looks exhausted. Mostly he’s wearing casual, but still sort of trendy clothes. Today, he’s wearing a simple gray hoodie with unruly hair and jogging pants. It still looks hot though, maybe even more than usual. And no that didn’t mean I tend to look at him more than I should.

I sigh and finally manage to look where I’m actually going.

Whenever he is here, he’s reading, writing or doing something on his laptop. Ever since I noticed him (which had basically been the day I started working here), I told myself I would chat him up someday.

Well, guess who still didn’t gather the courage to do so.

The staff room door falls shut behind me and I lean against it, sighing. I’ve been working here for half a year, what was so hard to start a conversation with someone? Especially someone who is always reading a book you could start a conversation about? Right, being afraid of getting rejected.

He probably wouldn’t want to talk to me anyway. I mean he’s the most charming person ever when he orders his Iced Americano, but he obviously got stuff to do, so I would only bother him.

Having these thoughts, I spent my break eating lunch and checking my social media. When I come back to the counter, I glance at the corner again, but he is gone.

The next few weeks continue as usual, although I notice that our regular is not visiting as often as he used to. And every time he actually shows up, his orders of coffee and the dark circles under his eyes increase.

Today is one of these days and although he is a stranger, I can’t help but feel worried. Just a minute ago he ordered his third coffee, extra strong.

I chew on my lip as I prepare his order. Maybe I should ask him if he’s alright? After I finish making his coffee I take a look at the clock and walk over to Christie who is working with me again today. The shop is rather empty now, so I lean closer to her.

“Hey do you mind if I take my break right now?” I ask her in a muted voice.

She instantly turns and looks at me with huge, twinkling eyes.

“Are you going to talk to him?!” She exclaimed a little too loud for my taste.

“Shhhh!!” I put my hand over her mouth hastily and look around the shop. Phew, it seems like he didn’t hear it.

“I guess?” I shrug as I take my hand from her mouth, while giving her a warning look. “I mean he doesn’t look like he is doing very well, so I thought I’d at least ask him how he’s doing…”

“And you think he’d tell you?” She retorted and I rolled my eyes at her.

“No. But it’s the intention that counts!”

“Not when you want to get into his pants.” She smirked and I swatted at her arm.

“I don’t want to get into his pants!” I denied maybe a little too quickly. I felt heat rising to my cheeks and turned around, heading his way.

“Anyway if you need me, you know where you can find me.” I stated, making my way over to his table.

My feet slowed down as I neared his table. How should I start this conversation? I can’t just show up and ask him if he is stressed out or something. My eyes focused on the book he was holding in his hand.

“The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas?” I read out loud and he lowered his book to look at me.

“Huh? Oh, yeah, right. You know the book?” He asked me and I shook my head.

“No, only read the title out loud.” I admitted and felt the blush creeping up again.

I set his coffee down on the table and sat down on the seat on the opposite side of the table.

“So what is it about?”

“It’s just a short story. There is this town Omelas and everyone living there is happy and living a good life without anything bad happening to them, but then you find out the dark secret of the town’s happiness. There is a child trapped in small, dirty room living in constant fear and pain which somehow is what makes it possible for the rest of townspeople to live their happy, careless lifes.” He explains to me and I raise my eyebrows in surprise.

“That’s heavy.” I frown and he nods, grabbing his coffee and taking a sip.

“It is, but sadly, not so far off from reality.” He says while looking out the window.

“I guess not your favourite book?”

“No, it’s a very good book, but it manages to drag you down a little.”

“Yeah, it does.”

A short moment of silence followed my sentence in which both of us seemed to think about what to say next. Still not daring to address the concerns I had about his wellbeing I spoke up again.

“So, you’re here pretty often? No Wi-Fi at home?” I joked and he chuckled.

“You’re not far off.” He joined my banter while leaning forward. “But no, I just find it easier to concentrate here.”

“Are you sure? With that amount of coffee you’ve been drinking lately, I kind of doubt it.” I managed to change the topic and he sighed.

“What are you, a psychic?” He sighed, nipping at his coffee again. “Just a little more work than usual, nothing special.”

I nodded and started to get up.

“You always seemed to unwind here...and I kind of want this to be your relax zone, so hit me up if you need anything.” I smiled, not sure what I was saying myself. Then I turned around and made my way back to the counter where I sat down the tray I had used to bring him his coffee. After that I rushed back to the staff room to spend the rest of my break hiding from customers, especially one.

After that encounter with our regular I thought about quitting my job and never returning to the shop, but before I could seriously consider doing that, he stopped showing up.

Maybe I really went too far by telling him I want this place to be his relax zone. I mean who says stuff like that?

I groaned and felt like hitting my head against a wall. No, I was not working today, but I was in a book shop, definitely a place where bumping your head against a wall would be inappropriate as well.

When our regular stopped visiting our café I had bought myself a copy of “The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas” and he was right, it was an amazing short story. So now I was standing in front of a bunch of Murakami books and couldn’t decide which one I should buy. I only knew that he read something by Murakami once and since he seemed to have great taste in books, I figured I should give the author a shot as well.

“Hey!” I suddenly hear from my right and turn to see our missing customer standing in front me.

“Oh, hey!” I greet him and close the book I was skimming through. “Long time no see.”

Wait, he’s talking to me? So he wasn’t avoiding the shop because of what I said?

“Yeah, life’s been busy, so I had no time to stop by at the shop.” He explains with a guilty smile and I nod.

“That’s good!” I babbled before I could stop myself. “Uhm, you know that nothing bad happened.” I clarified and he chuckled.

“You were worried?” He questioned me in a more serious tone, the smile fading from his face and a frown appearing.

“Kind of. You didn’t look too well the last few times you were at the shop and since you used to come so often it kind of feels like we know each other, you know?” I told him with a more serious look on my face now, too.

“My name is Y/N by the way.” I added quickly when it dawned on me that we never formally introduced ourselves and extended my hand.

“Right, my name is Namjoon.” He replied and shook my hand. Maybe we shook them a little too long and when we realized we both let go awkwardly.

“So uhm…” Namjoon started and looked around the shop. “What are you doing here?”

“Looking for a book.” I shrugged and held the one I was holding up. “I thought about getting one from Murakami, but I’m not sure which one.”

Namjoon only nodded when he heard that and took a look at the various books placed in front of us.

“Have you read some of his books already?” He asked and I shook my head.

“Then it’s easy.” He continued and extended his right arm to grab a book from the top shelf. The title read “Almost Transparent Blue”.

“This one is amazing. I read it a while back, but it’s one of my favourites. I’d recommend it to everyone I know.” He elaborated and handed it to me.

“Sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll?” I questioned him and raised a quizzical eyebrow after reading the short description on the back.

He raised his arms in defense.

“You don’t have to buy it, it’s only a recommendation.”

“I guess I’ll give it a shot.” I shrugged and a satisfied grin appeared on his face.

“Good choice.”

We made our way over to the cash point and I paid for the book. Only now I noticed that Namjoon also held a book in his hand, but I couldn’t read the title.

After we finished paying, we exited the shop.

“What are you doing now?” He asked me and I looked at him in surprise. I totally didn’t expect him to ask me that.

“I don’t really have any plans to be honest. What about you?”

“I should get back to work, but I could spare some time for a coffee if you’d like? My treat.”

“Sure! If you really can that is. I don’t want you to get in trouble because of me.”

“No that’s fine. My job is pretty much like a freelancer at the moment, so don’t worry about it. It’s quite the opposite.” Hearing that made me feel more at ease about it, so we walked over to the nearest coffee shop we could find.

“Let me guess, you’re taking an iced Americano?” Of course I was right, he always orders one in our shop. “Then I’ll take one, too.”

We wait for our drinks and sit down at a cozy little table in the upper floor of the shop. We spent quite some time talking about whatever comes to our minds. Our favourite books, movies, music (a topic he seemed especially passionate about), hobbies and family.

Surprisingly there wasn’t even one moment of awkward silence. When the sun started setting we exited the shop and came to a stop outside the door.

“Wow, it’s getting dark already!” I exclaimed at the rosy view in front of us.

“Shit, you’re right! I’ll better get back to work now.” Namjoon said while scratching his head.

“Oh, sure, sorry I took up so much of your time.”

“No need to apologize for that. It was nice to get my thoughts off from work for a while.”

We exchanged phone numbers before we parted ways and I took the subway to get home.

The following weeks Namjoon was still busy and didn’t visit the shop very often, but after our encounter at the book shop we texted nearly every day. Christie was already teasing me about it constantly, but I brushed her off.

Until Namjoon invited me to a party.

“Come on Christie! I can’t go there on my own! And he said I could bring some friends!” I whined over the phone while Christe groaned.

“But I don’t even know anyone Y/N!”

“I don’t know anyone either! That’s why I need you!” I begged. “Also you can get to know new people much faster than I can, so forget complaining about that.”

“Fineee.” She finally agreed and I cheered, feeling relieved. “But I swear if you run off with Namjoon and I haven’t found an interesting person to chat with, I’ll be mad.”

“I doubt he’d even want to run off with me, but okay, I’ll ask for your permission first.” I chuckled and she laughed as well.

The days at work before the party we chatted about what we should wear, if there would be any cute guys, good food and drinks. And then the day of the party finally came. Christie had come over to my place so we could get ready together. I ended up wearing a classic little black dress, since Namjoon didn’t really tell me why they were having the party, so this was the safest option.

Christie went with a black mini skirt and a crop top. Then we searched for the public transport that would take us there and got going.

When we arrived at our destination, we were not standing in front of a normal building complex with apartments, but some company. Was this party related to his work? But he always somehow avoided talking about his work…

We rung the bell he told me to ring and waited anxiously while exchanging unnerved looks. This was different from what we expected. The door was opened and we went to the elevator and up to the 4th floor. Up there the music could be heard even before the elevator doors opened and I sighed in relief. Now that sounds like a party.

Still a little hesitant, we followed the music and ended up in a huge room filled with people. There were mostly young people, but also some older ones. Definitely work related.

I looked around the room in search for Namjoon, but couldn’t see him anywhere, so we went over to the bar. A drink would at least make it seem like we belonged here.

“I swear to god, I’ve heard BigHit somewhere before…” Christie mumbled and I frowned. When you own no television and don’t really catch up on mainstream media it was no surprise I didn’t know the name.

“Maybe something related to books? Since Namjoon reads a lot.” I shrugged and she shook her head.

“I doubt that.”

We stayed at the bar, continued to chat and watch more and more people arrive until someone tested a microphone. Just now we noticed the little stage like space at one end of the room.

“What is this party?” Christie whispered into my ear and all I could do was shrug again, after all I had no clue.

“Y/N! There you are!” I heard Namjoon’s familiar voice and seconds later he appeared next to me. In that exact moment the older man on the little stage cleared his throat.

“I really need to tell you something. Do you have a minute?” He asked in a hurry and I frowned.

“I promised not to leave my friend Christie alone, since she knows no one, sorry. But you can tell me here?” I suggested and he sighed.

“Not ideal, but I guess it will do.” He mumbled while the guy on stage started talking.

“Good evening everyone! We’re honored that all of you appeared here tonight to celebrate the success of the promotions of ‘You Never Walk Alone’!”

Promotions? You Never Walk Alone? Never heard of it.

“So you see…I never really told you what I work as right? And I guess you already figured out that this party is somehow work related. And the truth is I was so busy the last weeks, because we were promoting ‘You never Walk Alone’ our new album.”

Immediately I turned to him and stared at him with wide eyes and an open mouth, blurring out the man talking in the background.

“You’re a musician?!” I gasped and he nodded, unsure if my reaction was a positive or negative one.

“Yeah…” He admitted and frowned.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It’s just…I was surprised that you didn’t know at all and I didn’t want to ruin it and act like a jerk who thinks he’s cool because he is successful in the business.”

“Namjoon why would I think you’re a jerk?” I face palmed and he chuckled.

“Who knows?” He shrugged and I laughed it off.

Then music started playing in the background and I turned towards the stage again, where you could see some kind of music video.

“Is this one of your band mates?” I asked when a guy with a cute beanie and a blue cardigan appeared on the screen.

“Yep, that’s Taehyung. I’ll introduce you to them if you want, but I have to go now. See you later?” He questioned me with hopeful eyes and I nodded, then he disappeared into the crowd of people.

I continued to watch the music video and was surprised that Namjoon showed up as the very first person to rap. I was surprised by the sound of his voice and his looks. And we thought he looked stylish when he showed up in our coffee shop. Well, I would never wear a blazer over a sweater, but he looked amazing nonetheless.

The song itself was really calming and not at all what I was expecting from the kind of music Namjoon preferably listens to. Then I caught a glimpse of a word in the video. Omelas! So that’s what he’s been reading it for!

Now that I recognized the word, I tried to read into everything that was going on much more and at the end of the video I was impressed. I couldn’t believe Namjoon was part of this.

Then another video came up and the feeling was entirely different. The name was probably ‘Not Today’ they said that pretty often. But wait? Namjoon had purple hair? I didn’t even notice in the previous video! But he had brown hair now, didn’t he?

The video ended as fast as the first one and I turned to Christie in awe.

“Was that…Namjoon?” She asked in confusion and I nodded slowly.

“Yeah, he just told me he is a musician. Judging from the amount of people here they must be huge! Do we live under a rock or something?!” I complained. I really needed to buy a TV. Like tomorrow.

“You definitely do. I’m more disappointed in myself. I even heard of them, but never looked up their stuff. What the hell.” Christie joined in and we went back to the bar to get another drink.

Then the band got called up on stage and they thanked everyone in the team who worked on the album with them.

Only now I had the chance in to take in Namjoon’s appearance. He looked smoking hot!! How could he look better every single time I saw him?

“Ok, now it’s obvious he’s an idol. All of them are so hot. Y/N you need to introduce me to at least one of them.” Christie insisted and I sighed.

“I don’t even know them myself. And if they’re idols they probably have a dating ban, so don’t get your hopes up.”

She looked at me with concern in her eyes.

“I never got my hopes up okay.” I clarified and she rolled her eyes.

“Yeah, right.”

In the meanwhile the boys had left the stage and were talking to some of the people in the crowd. I didn’t really want to get in Namjoon’s way and, as Christie pointed out, my hopes up. So we just walked around the decorated room, grabbed some food and then went over to the dance floor.

After a while someone tapped me on the shoulder and I was greeted by Namjoon’s smile.

“Enjoying yourself?” He questioned me and I nodded.

“A little isolated, but we’re having fun.” I joked. “Join us?”

“Nah, I’m not really a dancer.”

“…You’re an idol…?” Christie chimed in and Namjoon shrugged.

“I am, but did you watch the videos just now? Definitely not the best dancer out there.” He continued and I sighed.

“There is no skill level needed to dance with us though.” I countered, but he shook his head.

“I’ll pass for now, but how about I introduce you to the others?” He suggested and of course we agreed, so we followed him over to where the boys were chatting among themselves right now.

“Hey guys! This Y/N and Christie, they work at the coffe shop I usually go to.”

“Oh the girl you…” One of them started, but Namjoon cut in.

“Yes the one I told you I invited to the party.” He stated with a glare and the guy laughed. If I remembered right it was the one with the blue cardigan in the first video.

“Hey! It’s so nice to meet you. Namjoon never told us he had a band.” I greeted them awkwardly and they looked at him, acting offended.

“Wow, are you ashamed of us?” “What did we do to you?” “I’m so disappointed!”

Christie and I laughed and the guys laughed as well. Then Namjoon introduced them one by one and we talked about their music, how long they’ve been together, how long they trained, all that stuff.

At some point I needed to use the restroom, so I excused myself. Before I could rejoin the group however I was caught by Namjoon.

“Hey, can we talk right now? The boys are taking care of Christie, don’t worry” He added when he noticed my concerned look. I couldn’t fathom what he’d want to talk to me about, so I agreed.

We left the room and walked down the hallways, until Namjoon opened the door to a small room.

“A studio?” I asked while looking around.

“My studio.” He explained and I gasped.

“Nice.” I stated while inspecting the room. “A lot of figurines.”

“Oh, yeah, do you think it’s too much?”

“No, it’s fine. It’s your studio anyway, right?” I encouraged him and he seemed relieved that I didn’t mind them. “So what did you want to talk about?”

“Nothing in particular. I only wanted to show you some more music. Maybe some of my solo stuff if you want? I mean ‘Spring Day’ and ‘Not Today’ are good, but it doesn’t cover everything we’ve done.”

“I’d love that!”

We sat down in front of his desk and he opened up some files. Their biggest hits and some tracks of his mixtape. Every single song was incredible.

“Ok now I feel like a potato next to you.” I sighed and leaned back into my chair.

“Don’t say that. There are many things you’re better at than I will ever be.” He tried to cheer me up, but I was having none of it.

“Making coffee isn’t the same as creating amazingly beautiful and emotional music. I’ve never seen anyone crying, because they’ve tasted a cup of coffee.” I rolled my eyes.

“It doesn’t have to be work related you know.” He sighed and I shrugged, remaining silent. “We’ll just agree on the fact that you’re great, ok?”

I agreed in defeat and then remembered something.

“Oh, right! I saw an Omelas sign in one of the music videos! Don’t tell me you read the book for that?” I inquired and he chuckled.

“You noticed? I told you it was work related. We have a consistent background story going on in most of our MVs, but it would be too much to explain it to you now.”

“I have time.” I stated and Namjoon laughed.

“As much as I’d like to spend more time alone with you, I still have to show up at the party again or rumors will start circulating.” Ouch.

“Sure…” I mumbled, trying my best to conceal the stinging pain in my chest. Not getting my hopes up had worked really well.

We left Namjoon’s studio behind and and rejoined the others at the actual party location. I noticed Christie chatting happily with Jin and ventured out to the bar by myself where I got another drink. It didn’t take long until another person showed up behind me. Hoseok.

“Hey are you alright?” He asked me with a frown and I smiled at him.

“Sure, I’m fine, why?”

“I don’t know, you seemed unhappy when you came back, so I thought I’d ask.” He shrugged and sat down next to me.

“No, it’s all good.” I insisted, but he was having none of it.

“Did Namjoon say something to you?” He hit the bull’s eye and I sighed. “Look, I don’t know what he said and I don’t want to pry, but I know he appears all smooth and good with words, but when he’s nervous he’s not. I bet whatever he said he only wanted to protect you.”

“Protect me from what?” I furrowed my brows and he grinned.

“Our Armys can get a little wild.” He said and slid off his seat. “Cheer up, ok?”

And with that he disappeared again.

I stayed at the bar for quite a while and tried to sort out my thoughts. Just when I thought I finally managed to do so, Christie and Namjoon appeared.

“There you are! We were searching for you everywhere!” Christe exclaimed and hugged me, clearly a little tipsy.

“Oh, sorry. I only got another drink.” I told them and raised my glass.

“So, the boys and I were planning on taking this party home with some close friends. Do you want to come?” Namjoon suggested and I thought about it for a while.

“Do you want to Christe?” I asked and she nodded eagerly.

“Sure, why not.” I shrugged and not long after we found ourselves in a van driving to their dorm.

Of course not everyone had fit into one van, so we were divided into groups. There was Taehyung, Yoongi, Hoseok, Namjoon, Christie, me and two others I didn’t know the names of in the van. Music was playing and everybody was having a good time.

A short time later we parked in an underground parking lot and all of us squeezed into the elevator. The boy’s dorm was tidy and even a little bit decorated. They definitely prepared for this. Taehyung proposed a little house tour for us and we found ourselves wandering through their various rooms.

“Wouldn’t have expected you guys to be so tidy.” Christie pointed out and Taehyung chuckled.

“Hobi is very diligent about us tidying, so we have no choice.”

We walked through a few more rooms until Taehyung opened the door to his own room.

“This is Namjoon’s and my room.” He announced and I looked at the pile of stuffed toys.

“Don’t tell me these are Namjoon’s.” I laughed and Taehyung grinned.

“Ok, I won’t.” He joked and told us that they were rarely home anyway.

After that we walked back into the now packed living room. Christie and I stayed for a few more hours, but decided it was time to leave before it got too late.

“Let me walk you home?” Namjoon asked when they found out that Christie didn’t live too far from their dorm and I had to walk a little longer on my own.

“You don’t have to. I can just take a taxi. No need to leave your own party for that.” I smiled and he shook his head.

“It’s not that I have to, I want to.” He insisted and I sighed, giving in.

We walked up to where Christie lived together and then it was only me and Namjoon.

“So…” I started.

“So?”

“Not afraid of being seen outside with me?” I teased and he looked at me with shock in his eyes. “You know rumors and stuff.” I added hastily and he frowned.

“Yeah Hobi told me you weren’t happy that I said that.”

“He told you?!” I asked. Wow, I’ll never tell Hoseok about my feelings ever again.

“I asked where he’s been and he said he checked on you and I asked why, that’s all. He probably knew I was worried.”

“About what?” I questioned him and he shrugged.

“About you.”

“Why?”

“Look I’m not dumb, I notice when you’re acting strange as well. Of course I get worried.” He clarified and I looked to the ground. Sometimes it really sucked that I couldn’t hide my feelings very well. “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings when I said that. I just know that dating as an idol isn’t the best thing to do. And you’d suffer because of it more than I would.”

“Wait, what?!”

Namjoon stopped and I turned around to look at him in the faint street light.

“I like you. From the very first moment I saw you in the coffee shop I wanted to talk to you, but I didn’t know what to say, so I stayed quiet. I planned on asking you out long ago and when you approached me and we met in the book store…I just knew it was now or never. But you saw that I have close to no time to spend with you, so I thought it would be better not to say anything.”

I stood there in disbelief. My eyes wide, mind blank and a pounding heart.

“Probably shouldn’t have said that…” Namjoon said while scratching the back of his head and started to walk again, but I grabbed his hand. He stopped and turned back towards me, but I still didn’t know what to say.

“So…you’re saying you want to…date me?” I asked quietly and slowly raised my eyes to meet his soft gaze. He nodded quietly.

“I’d like that very much.”

A grin formed on Namjoon’s face and he leaned forward to seal my lips with his.

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dwightkschrute · 5 years

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In 2014 and 2015 I did a my year in review kind of thing where I, of course, reviewed it and accompanied it with a picture from that month. I somehow forgot to post 2016 (until now) and forgot to do it at all for 2017 but unfortunately, I am back with a really disappointing year. I was debating not putting myself through the legit pain of “reviewing” this year but I think of how I love going through my 2009-2010 posts and seeing how much I’ve grown so this is for you, successful and cooler future me.

2016 and 2017 were amazing but 2018 was my most promising year. My boyfriend and I were going to move in, I was going to start my dream job; everything was perfect. It definitely started out as one of the best years of my life! Then exactly halfway through the year everything changed and I was left having to pick up the pieces and completely restart, making it one of the worst years of my life.

I started January in Mexico, which was the best, but my family and I got home early in the month. I had quit my job the month before so I dedicated the entirety of this month to job hunting. Our friend (my bf’s bff who became mine and my brother’s bff early on)’s dad got a boat so it was like we got a boat too because despite the cold, we lived on it. (My boyfriend couldn’t go on the trip with us, which he was super bummed about (and that we had to spend like 10 days apart which was killer then), so he was the one to pick us up at the airport and he greeted me with a bouquet of flowers. Out of the many gifts/gestures he gave me, that was one of my favorites.)

February I started my amazing new job so life was back to 40 hour work weeks and not having much time for much else. I was always attached to the hip to my bf so almost every day after work entailed going out with him or having dinner with my family or his. That was my month. My favorite part of every February is Valentine’s Day and this one was as amazing as the rest. I don’t even have enough space (of the allotted space I give myself for each entry at least!) to describe that day. (My bf at our Valentine’s Day dinner. We finished our long day at this restaurant (so, so cool, once popular with Old Hollywood stars) on Hollywood Blvd and it was dreamy and romantic and amazing.) Oh man, I don’t have a lot of interesting things to say about March. Oh, my parents got Influenza (A/B/idk tbh), so it was two weeks of my brother, bf, and I taking care of them. My dad has a serious chronic disease so it was especially dangerous for him so it was a stressful time. Once we weren’t in hazmat suits anymore (no but really, we were gloved and double masked around them and kept them quarantined), I’d be at work or with my bf. I also started to get close with a co-worker, who I quickly became close friends with! (My bf’s two huskies. I’ve just loved that picture since I took it! I’ve never been loved by a dog more than the one in the back of this pic. Not even by my own! He has a special place in my heart.)

April was barbecues at my house or my bf’s, trying every brewery and bar around, hikes, bike rides, beach visits, baseball games, boat rides, late night cooking and baking. It was lots and lots of love and happiness and I would give absolutely anything to go back to those days. (My brother and bf grilling on Easter. This was a familiar scene, I have so many pictures of this exact scenario, yet looking at it just now made me so emotional! Stop! They’re just grilling!) May was so exciting! Very first day I got a new car! I was so happy! It was long overdue because my finicky, expensive Volkswagen had to go and I’d fallen in love with the new Honda Civic (I’ll admit I have basic taste but I don’t care!) so I finally bit the bullet and did it. This month my bf and I, after a long time of “oh wouldn’t it be nice!”, bit the bullet as well and decided to finally get serious about finding a place together. So the apartment search started, but we soon realized our home, Orange County, was super expensive. My bf, in that “ha ha jk but I’m down if you are” way, suggested we pick up and move to Oregon and I immediately agreed. It just felt right and despite us being the most careful and non-spontaneous people ever, we decided to do it! So we began to research, look for apartments but most importantly, jobs. (My car the day I took it home!)

Uhhhhhh, well, June hurts to think about! We went to visit Portland, where we decided we’d want to live because that’s where the jobs were, on a quick trip since it was strictly “business.” Portland was everything I imagined and more. We loved it and I think we loved playing house in our airbnb more than anything about the city. Back in LAX we came to the easy conclusion that though we lived Portland, that’d require a lot and for our first time moving out we’d like to stay close to home and above anything else, we just wanted to live together as soon as possible. We immediately started to look for places in LA, we spent the month apartment hunting, and towards the end of it, decided on one we really liked, one he begged me to please say yes to so we can move in already. I was so, so, so happy this month but what made me happier was seeing my bf, I swear, even happier than me. I seriously felt unstoppable and was beyond excited for our future. (I had a lot of Portland pictures to choose from but my bf and I liked this one because it reminded us of Always Sunny for some reason.)

In July, everything changed. To start, I left my job. I thought, new chapter in my life, new job coming, I’ll live really far, I should leave now. So I did. My last day was an emotional day because I loved my job so much and every single person I worked with. That very same day, my bf and I broke up. For unrelated reasons to my last day, to our moving in, to our relationship, etc. We had an amazing, amazing relationship but he has a lot of demons and issues/insecurities he has to deal with and conquer, and though I was aware and was there for him and would continue to be by his side no matter what, he decided that this was a battle he had to handle by himself and I figure before he got into a more committed situation. It didn’t have to happen, though. I hadn’t talked about the specifics of the breakup on my blog so sorry for changing the mood of the post, but yeah, July happened and it felt like my world stopped. Really regret quitting my job now, huh? I was hit by two huge losses and changes right at the same time. (I took this on my friend’s boat 20 tequila shots in, drunk and sad as fuck. Not to get fake deep but how sad. Literally on a boat, beautiful sunset, would rather die.)

August was a blur and I’m still not convinced I didn’t just dream it. God, alright, here we go, the rest of the year is a mess so get ready. I fell into a deep depression fast. It also didn’t help that my dad had to start getting radiation/infusions for his illness shortly after the breakup. I couldn’t believe how much my life had changed. I started dating someone else and then I dated another guy shortly after. I wanted to replace and/or forget and I really thought that’d be the solution. I was miserable when I was with them. I took absolutely any opportunity to get really drunk or high, and the opportunity came often so I spent most of my days desperately trying to not feel anything. The only time I’d feel okay was when I was extremely high and I couldn’t even think. Since I had a lot of savings for my out of state move, I had a lot of money to blow, which I did. I realized I even liked the feeling of the temporary “high” of spending a lot and receiving the stuff. I’d hang out with any friend who offered (out of boredom? loneliness?) and even ended up on a mess of a Vegas trip. Worst month ever. Maybe. (Here’s a positive! I like that bathing suit and my tiddie looks so round!)

When September came I realized two months had passed and all I had done was be a huge depressed mess. I no joke forgot about work. I just straight up forgot. I started to look for a new job, which hurt me so bad because I had to face the fact that it wouldn’t be my Cool LA Dream Job anymore. I stopped dating. Most importantly, I completely stopped drinking and smoking because it’d almost always make me sadder but also it scared me that I had no self control nor did I care. I saw a whole lot of my close friends and they, along with my immediate family, kept me afloat this month because time felt like it was going so fast. I couldn’t believe that at a blink of an eye it was night again and then a new day. Time had no mercy for me, please let me hold on. (Me at a baseball game. Tbh I’m looking at this thinking, did this really happen?)

October started out nice because my best friend of years, who I unfortunately had a falling out with three years ago, reached out to me. I’ll always give her all of the credit for doing that. I can’t begin to explain what this meant to me. It was a nice, bright shine of light that managed to shine through the dark clouds. Having my best friend is exactly what I needed. I’m a big believer in the universe acting in mysterious ways and though I had grown disappointed in its little surprise for me lately, this was the kind I always appreciate. I spent a good part of that month with her, catching up and doing things just like we did back then. It was like nothing had changed. That’s all I remember about this month, and a super fun Halloween! That day was probably one of the best days in months. (My best friend Rylee and me the first time seeing each other in 3 years. We’ve had our blogs for 8-9 years so please follow her for quality content)

November was rough. I was frustrated because surely things should had been better by then. I was still feeling so low, I was going to job interviews to no avail, I “relapsed” and had a high/drunk off my ass on a boat messy moment.. To make matters worse, I accidentally drove up on a cement divider in a parking lot and my airbags deploy, which is so expensive to fix, so my car was out of commission for a month. Then I got so sick and I rarely ever get a small cold. I seriously felt like I was cursed, even the smallest thing felt like an insult towards me. The one good thing is that since July I had been forcing myself to go to the gym five times a week. My mom said exercising was the only thing that’d help her feel that sweet release of seretonin, endorphins, dopamine, and all that good stuff when she was depressed so, though I enjoyed going to the gym before, I did it just for that reason alone. It worked and as another result I got like pretty fucking fit. Revenge body, you’re one of the few good things in my life right now. (I literally had no idea what to choose so I said fine, here’s a pic of the scene of the crime. Whatever.)

In December I turned 26. Which I hate, naturally. I went to a million more job interviews. I’m seriously so embarrassed to admit that but whatever, it’s the truth. (I have a degree, experience, and an awesome cover letter..I’ll keep blaming the curse!) What kept me sane was that we had different family members visiting from the very beginning of the month. Playing with an energetic, adorable baby kept me distracted and happy. Having so much company around also distracted me (slightly, but it helped!) from the fact that the holidays and my birthday would be quite different now. I’m one of those annoying Christmas lovers, usually at least. This year everything just happened and I didn’t care. But I survived December! (I don’t care. This is the appropriate representation of 2018 and how I feel at the end of it.)

Jesus if you’ve read all of this.. I’m sorry you had to read about the mess of my year but really more like the mess that is ME. Yknow those like “people my age I went to HS with vs me” memes? I seriously went from being that bitch with a good paying job, brand new car, a serious, great relationship with a promising future together (Like. We would color coordinate outfits! LMAO. We would have dinners with both of our families together. We were obsessed with each other. You’d roll your eyes if you saw any of this. I can’t get over how perfect we were, it’s hilarious what happened to us.) and then at the blink of an eye I went to not having absolutely any of that, casually dating (something I’d NEVER done) anyone who resembled my ex and sadly and drunkenly puking off the side of a pier. Who is she? I don’t know, I got whiplash. (Queen of parentheses and side notes, I know. But another thing about me is... I’ve never been affected by people leaving my life. I’m used to it. I’ve never been anywhere as affected as I was when my ex and I broke up. This isn’t normal for me, my ENTJ/Capricorn ass doesn’t know what this feeling is.)

Please curse that has been put on me, release me. Whoever is attacking my voodoo doll, calm down! Please! I’ve gone through enough sadness and loss. If 2019 is even slightly as bad, I’m going to be like that pigeon I reblogged the other day that’s like “fuck this I’m just going to sit here.” I can’t even make a cute but corny, hopeful “hope 2019 is great!” comment. I’m literally begging you...pleading you... I don’t believe in karma but after all of this shit, I better have something much better in stock for me. “Good things are coming!” I fucking hope so. Like, I’ll be even more annoying right now and say that it’s not fair that I didn’t get to have the future I was about to have. I don’t care about any cliche you may have for me. One door closes, everything happens for a reason, God has a plan, etc. No. Why did all of this have to happen? What can be better than the future I was going to have? I felt so unlucky. It all feels like a nightmare and I’m just waiting to feel whole again. Oh shit I got really intense. I know I’ll get over it and life will be good again eventually but for now, I am still so mad. I would have never in a million years guessed this is how my 2018 would go.

So fine, I’ve accepted things now, so now I’m impatient and say please prove me wrong, 2019. I’m THREATENING you to be amazing!

#2018 #OMFG MESSSSS of a year..#and i acted so embarrassingly sigh but that was 2018

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cygnetofthesea · 6 years

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Absolution in You: Part IV

When Barry meets Iris under unusual circumstances, he never would have imagined just how tangled in her he would become.

He wasn't supposed to fall for her. It wasn't supposed to be like this. But the fates had a twisted sense of humor, it seemed and here he was...

On AO3

Four days later he walks into Zoom's flower shop and tells him he's in. He threatens to kill him and Darhk right where they stood if anything ever happened to Iris, but he was in. They had succeeded in manipulating him when they left a funeral flower arrangement with Iris's name on his doorstep. He had tore up the arrangement in a rage, watching the petals float to the ground in the mid-afternoon breeze. His blood on fire, he marches over to let them know before seeking out Iris.

It was a Thursday afternoon, three weeks later, and he knew she would be leaving the orphanage around that time and making her way over to the park afterward. Ever since she quit her job at the bank, Iris had taken to volunteering more full time at the orphanage while she did some freelance writing on the side. And apparently other activities that he had been unaware of.

He watches from afar as she steps out the building and walks over to the nearby park, sitting on a bench in front of the pond. He takes a deep breath, swallowing the lump in his throat before crossing the street. His gaze is so focused on her that he nearly gets hit by a passing car. He worries for a moment he’ll draw her attention and she’ll leave before he has a chance to speak with her, but mercifully she seems too deep in thought to look back.

Ignoring the irked driver, he marches forward, his hands stuffed nervously in the pocket of his coat until he was standingbehind her. His heart hammers in his chest and he feels as though he can barely breath.

He had been involved in numerous robberies in his life and maintained a calm in the midst of pandemonium and yet he felt as though he was gearing up to freefall from an airplane.

"Iris."

He knows the moment she registers his voice, her body stiffening. He walks around the bench, needing her to see his face, needing to see hers.. "Iris, please I just need to talk to you."

She stands abruptly as though preparing to leave and he reaches for her arm without thinking. She jerks away, finally meeting his eyes.

"Don’t touch me."

He looks at her for a long moment and could see the exhaustion in her eyes. It had been days since he last spoke to her and she had plenty of time to turn them in but she didn't. Something in her kept her from doing so and while he wondered what it was, he was more concerned with her knowing the truth. He needed her to know everything. And whether it meant he was giving her more ammo against him, he didn’t care. As long as she knew.

"I'm sorry, Iris. I'm so sorry for everything that I put you through, but I just-I just need you to know the truth. I will never lie to you again. Ever. "

"Yeah? And how exactly do you expect me to believe that?"

"Because you'll hate the answers." His eyes never waver from her face. “Anything,” he whispers.

She looks at him silently before letting out a slow breath. "How long were you following me before you approached me?"

"A couple of days."

"How many robberies have you been involved in?"

"Six trucks, two banks."

She pauses, holding her breath. "Have you ever killed anyone?"

"No," he says without hesitating, looking her straight in the eyes. "We have a code."

"But you do take hostages."

He shakes his head. "No. That wasn't supposed to happen. It was an impulsive decision on Rory's part."

"Who's idea was it to follow me?"

"Rory."

Iris let out a mirthless chuckle. "Of course it was. The fucking psycho."

"We don’t take hostages because it creates too many ties and makes the job bigger than it needs to be. He saw you lived in the area and was worried somehow you'd ID us after he saw you talking to the Feds."

She nods, looking away toward the pond. He watches her profile carefully, trying to gaugue what she was thinking. Needing to know that she believed him.

"Iris. I will never lie to you, I will never hurt you and if I lose you…I will regret that for the rest of my life."

Her breath hitches at his admission. She turns back to him and the look in her eyes makes something flutter in his stomach. There was confliction and hesitation, but the anger had abated.

"I need to know..." Her voice was so quiet and soft that he almost misses it in the wind.

"Anything."

"Are you in love with me?"

He cautiously walks toward her. “Yes.”

Something flickers her eyes and Barry watches her throat bob as she swallows hard.

“Barry,” she croaks. “What do you expect from us? What do you think can happen?”

His heart stutters in his chest and he tries to be subtle as he takes in a deep breath, trying to ease the ache.

“We-we can come back from this, Iris. We can start fresh like we’ve been talking about.”

“It’s all been a lie,” she says softly, her eyes unwavering. Searching.

He shakes his head. “But, it hasn’t,” he says just as softly. He looks down at the mere two feet between them and slowly inches closer. His fingers twitch, resisting the urge to touch her. She looks down away and doesn't appear to want to close the distance between them.

“Iris,” he whispers. “Please, look at me.”

She hesistates before meeting his gaze.

“You see me, don’t you? You must know it wasn’t a lie. The only lie in our relationship was how we met. That’s it. Everything else after that was all real.”

Her eyes glimmer with unshed tears. “What about that story about your mother? Was that even real?”

“Every word.”

He looks at her beautiful brown eyes, wondering if there was any hope, but knowing his time was limited now He wants nothing more than for her to trust him again, to be able to put her faith in him, but it wouldn't be a feart he could accomplish right then.

"There's something I need to do, but I'm asking you, Iris, wait for me."

She doesn’t say anything, but he hadn't expected her to. He nods once and takes a step back beore turning away. He gets a few feets when he hears her call out to him.

"Barry?"

He looks back at her. She was biting her lips, clutching her coat close to her. She scrutinizes him and there’s something akin to confusion in her eyes. "Why do you do it?"

He shrugs. "I owe a debt."

She looks taken aback by that and as much as he wants to remain in her company, time was running out.

The sooner he got to work, the sooner he could come back to her.

He was strapping on his ballistic vest with Len and Rory when Zoom walks into the warehouse with Darkh. Barry clips a couple of explosives on his belt, avoiding Zoom’s gaze as he and Darkh stops in front of them, hands on their hips.

"I can't say how proud I am of you boys. You remind me of your fathers, but wiser. Kids these days grow fast and it breaks my heart, but looking at you boys and all that you've accomplished…well, it makes this old man feel relevant."

Barry sours at the mention of his father. Coming from the lips of the scum that destroyed his family, the words mean nothing. He bows his head, biting back what he really wanted to say, what he really wanted to do.

"I know there are some concerns about this job, but I'm telling you we got this in the bag. You boys reviewed the schematics?"

They all nod. "Good, so we have everyone in place, alibis been bought off, and we have men working on the cameras as we speak."

"Where's our backup?" Len asks.

Zoom looks at Len and gives him a reassuring smile. "Got 'em briefed and patrolling the area."

Barry narrows his eyes, watching Zoom lay out a blueprint across the tabletop. Even though he had spent years working for the guy, he never did quite trust him and now more than ever something feels off.

Everyone gathers around the blueprint as Zoom gives them the play-by-play when Barry feels the burner phone in his pocket buzz. His hand moves toward his pocket in confusion, not realizing he had brought it with him.

His pulse jumps against his skin and he grabs it, discreetly checking the screen while the others pour over the schematics.

Look up, the text reads.

His eyes flash to the level above, searching, and from the shadows, Iris creeps out. His heart jumps in his throat as Iris places an index finger on her lips.

She was hidden between boxes and he could only spot her because he knew where to look, but still, his heart bangs thunderously in his chest. What was she doing there?

He calms his breath. "I left some of my gear upstairs, be back."

Zoom looks at him for what felt like a long moment before nodding and turning back to the blueprint.

Barry tries to keep his gait calm and steady, making his way to the second level. He didn’t have to walk far when Iris intercepted. He swiftly wraps an arm around her waist and lifts her against him, taking her to the far end of the level where they would be hidden behind lockers.

"What the hell are you doing here, Iris," he hisses. He set her down in front of one of the lockers and grabs her arms gently. "Are you out of your mind?"

She looks at him intensely. "Look, I don’t know what you have planned but I couldn't shake what you told me. Against my better judgment, I don’t want you to go down with them, but Rory cannot get away with it. He has to pay for what he did to Martin."

He looks at her stunned even as his heart skips a beat at her concern for him. But he couldn't focus on that because here she was, standing in front of him while two sociopaths and their trigger-happy lackeys were downstairs.

"You need to get out of here, Iris."

"Just listen to me," she hisses.

"What exactly were you planning on doing? Come in guns blazing and take him out? And how did you even find me?"

"I tailed you and no I don't plan on killing anyone." She took out a recorder from her pocket and showed it to him. "I recorded the conversation between Zoloman and Darhk while the rest of you were getting ready. Barry, there isn't a backup team in place, they couldn’t secure one. They were fully prepared to let you guys fend for yourself even if it meant taking hits."

"That fucker." Barry clenched his fists, stepping away from Iris.

"From what I heard, Zoloman’s not happy with you. Barry, we need to get out of here."

"Why, what's happening?"

"I'm going to tip off Eddie and anonymously send him the recording. They're going to find Snart and Rory too."

Barry looks at her gently before taking her face in his hands. He stares into her soft brown eyes and if he looked hard, he could see that flicker of warmth she had held for him in the last few months. Before everything went to hell.

"Do you hate me, Iris?" He doesn't know why he asks the question and realizes it wasn’t the most appropriate time to be having that conversation, but he can’t help the words blurting past his lips.

Her eyes well up with tears as her jaws tighten under his hands. "Just-fucking hell, Barry. I am so pissed at you and I don't know what the hell is going to happen after tonight, but all I know is that I can't let something happen to you. And now is not the time to talk about this."

He nods, he'd take what he could get. "Ok," he whispers. "But, Iris. If I leave with you now and the Feds come for them, it's only a matter of time before they come for me. They'll know I was connected."

"We'll cross that bridge when it comes, but right now we need to leave before they come looking for you."

Barry looks down at her, battling his loyalty to her and his loyalty to Snart. He couldn't give less of shit what happened to the others, he hoped they'd rot in prison, but Snart was his brother. Snart was the only family he really had in this hell-ish life. Snart was the one who had taken the fall for him that sent him to prison for five years. He wants nothing more than to leave with her, but he needed to tie up loose ends before they could.

'Iris," he whispers. “You need to get out of here.”

The sound of a gun cocking back jolts them and Iris lets out a gasp as she looks over Barry's shoulder. Barry's eyes slid to the side as he carefully turns, keeping his body in front of Iris.

"So this is your sweet, new girlfriend, huh?"

Barry turns fully only to be faced with the barrel of Zoom's gun. Zoom's grim expression showed a mix of irritation and disappointment as he looks to address Iris.

"Here to join the fun, darling?"

Iris steps forward and Barry has to hold out a restraining arm across her torso. "Don't," he grits out. He looks at Zoom, praying to whatever entity was out there that could make a difference. "Don’t do this, Hunter." He knew his uncle hated being referred to his name, but he would never call him by his moniker or uncle.

Zoom exhales exasperatedly. "Where the fuck is the respect, Barry?"

Iris levels a hard stare at Zoom. "The likes of you don’t deserve respect."

Zoom stared at her in shock for a moment before a slow grin spreads across his face. "Holy shit,” he says slowly. “The balls on this gal. Do you know who I am?"

"I know all about you, Hunter Zoloman. You like to go by Zoom to cover up your criminal acts so that you can hide behind a new name and reputation as a flower shop owner. But anyone in Central City and as far as Keystone knows who you really are. They're just too afraid to speak because you've bought their silence. You destroyed families to keep up the façade."

Zoom narrows his eyes at her curiously and even Barry has to wonder how she knew all of this. And then he thought about the days leading up to quitting her job at the bank. Iris had told him how she had wanted to be an investigative journalist once upon a time but had dropped out to work so that she could take care of her dad after he had fallen ill. It looked like she had returned to her roots and made good use of her newly acquired spare time.

"Who the fuck are you ?" He turns to Barry. "I thought your girlfriend was a bank manager. She definitely ain't with the Feds, I would've known."

"Don't underestimate a scorned woman, you bastard," Iris spat. Barry had so many questions and wanted to know what else she knew, how much was she hiding from him—not that it made a difference to him—but there would be time for questions later…or so he hoped.

He never once turns away from Zoom who was still staring at Iris with a hard, questioning gaze, but he allows his eyes to scan the area, searching for a way out.

"Well, as fascinating as this turn of events has been, you darling need to go," he says pointing his gun at her. Barry's heart leaps in his throat, hammering hard as his body jerks closer to her.

"Hunter, this doesn't have to go down like this."

"I'm afraid it does, Barry." He looks at Iris again and gestures with his gun. "Why don't you come out from behind your boyfriend, there? You sure like to talk and yet you still hide behind a man."

"Fuck you," she hisses venomously. She makes to step around Barry, who again halts her movements.

"Iris, don't."

Zoom turns the gun back on Barry. "Iris, do," he says before addressing Barry. "Do you really want to risk hurting her? After all your efforts in trying to keep her safe, you want to sacrifice all of that now? Oh and sweetheart, while you're at it, I'll take that recorder too."

Barry clenches his jaws as Iris moves from behind him. His fingers dig into her side in his continued effort to keep her still.

“Over my dead body,” he says lowly.

Zoom looks thoughtful, his face grim. He lets out a sigh. “Fine.” He raises his gun higher and steadies it on Barry.

Suddenly there’s a deafening bang. The sound reverberates within the metal lockers, echoing throughout the warehouse.

The sound pops in Barry's ears and instinctively he ducks, throwing himself over Iris and pulling her to the side. His hands shake as he looks over her only to find her trembling slightly but without a wound in sight.

"Iris?"

She shifts and it was only then that Barry notices the handgun that she was clutching. He whips around the set of lockers he had taken them behind and there was Hunter's body on the ground, a bright red splotch on his side.

Barry watches as Hunter groans and sits up, clutching his side. "I'm going to fucking kill you, bitch," he seethes.

Barry leaps up, gripping Iris by the arm as he drags her to the other side of the level. Gunshots follow in their wake, Zoom screaming in blind rage. It was only a matter of time before the others made their way up there. As though he had summoned them with his thoughts, he hears the thundering sounds of feet racing up the steps.

He pulls Iris into a dark, secluded corner. He quickly takes off his armored vest and straps it onto Iris, who fights off his attempts.

"Don't. You need it."

"Iris," he says in the most stern tone he had ever used with her. "Please, don't fucking fight me on this." And without another word, he tightens it over her. He knows the kevlar is heavy on her small frame, but it was the best way to protect her.

He hears the shouts of Rory and Snart and his heart plummets in his chest. Snart. He was a sinner like himself but not malicious like the others. All he wanted was a way to support himself and his mother, he never set out to hurt people the way Rory did.

"Barry?" he hears him call out.

"The bitch. She's with him. Got a gun." Zoom's strangled voice was barely audible as he huffs in pain. But, if the rumors were true, Hunter Zolomon was a fucking cockroach and wouldn't be brought down with a single hit.

"The fuck?"

There’s an unease in his stomach, his mind shuttling with memories and possible outcomes in which none of them ended well. Would he be able to save them both? There was no time to wonder because Iris was in his arms, putting her faith in him whether she wanted to admit it or not.

"Barry! Where the fuck are you?"

He hears movements coming in closer, he eyes taking in his surroundings. They had a different prep location before each job, not wanting to stay in the same place for too long. It makes it easier for the Feds to find them if they have a designated basecamp. Barry searches around for anything.

"Barry!"

"Bastards gone fucking rogue.” Barry recognizes the graveling voice of Rory. "I knew this shit was coming."

"Fuck up and let's find him," Snart says, his voice sounding closer than before.

Barry grabs Iris's hand and quietly weaves in between boxes and discarded lockers. Suddenly a barrage of gunfire goes off, lighting up the darkened corners of the warehouse.

Barry throws himself over Iris before pulling her down as they reached a door at the end of the level. Barry wrenches it open while bringing Iris’s body closer to his. The screeching metal is drowned out by the gunfire as he pushes Iris through the doorway before following behind and bolting the door.

"Iris, look at me," he says, the sounds of gunshots echoing in the warehouse muting as he narrows his focus on her. If only for a moment. He needs her to know because this just may the only chance he gets.

He holds her face in his hands, his long and pale fingers brushing against her beautiful deep bronze skin. How many times had he stroked her skin, watching in wonder as his fingers drifted along her cheeks, her neck, her body? It was always in wonder because he could never fathom just how privileged he was to be in her presence, to be given the gift of touching her in such an intimate way.

Even as he holds her now, he misses those moments, already missing the sensation of her. She looks at him with frightened eyes, her chest heaving with the adrenaline. But if he looked hard enough, somewhere, somehow, there was trust in her dark eyes that looked back into his. He held onto it.

"I love you so much."

"Barry, what are—"

"I'm saying it’s not your job to save me. I can't put that responsibility on you, it's not fair. Only I can save myself."

"Why won’t you let me help you?"

"Because this is not your fight. It's mine and it's all my fault that you got caught in the crossfires.” He looks into her eyes trying to convey how sorry he was. “Run, Iris, run. Get out of here."

She stares at him, eyes wide and filling with tears. “I-I can’t,” her voice cracks. “I can’t just leave you behind.”

Panic spreads through his chest, creeping and crawling painfully, it’s sharp claws digging into his caverns, threatening to encompass him. Had it been any other circumstance or setting, he would have steeled himself and thrown himself into the fray, guns blazing with an unnatural calm in his gait. Had it been any other circumstances, he would have shoved the innocent bystander into a safe hiding spot before expertly picking off the adversary.

But it wasn’t any other circumstances and the love of his life was standing there while his family was trying to kill them. He needed her to know that he did love her. Just once before it all went to hell and life as he knew it burned to the ground.

“Fucking hell, Iris, please.” He feels the burn in his nose, the thought of her getting hurt choking him. There was a hysteria deep inside him that he fought to temper, keeping his stance rigid, his voice stoic. “If something happens to you…”

Her shaky hands come up to clutch his wrists. “How will I know you’re ok?”

“I’ll find you,” he promises. He doesn’t know if it’s a promise he can keep—he sure as hell would try—but he tells her so anyway. Her eyes glitter in response with a look of uncertainty and he wonders that after everything that had been revealed, she had decided not to trust his words. “I will always find you.”

He inhales sharply and surges forward, capturing her lips in a hard kiss. If this was the last moment he ever felt her lips, he would take it. He swallows her gasp and pulls on her lips desperately, his brows furrowing as he tries to hold onto this moment, but knowing it can’t last any longer. He’s surprised and relieved when she responds with fervor, her hands coming up to clutch his collar.

He pulls back with a muffled grunt, fighting to keep her with him while trying to get her to safety. “Go, Iris. Please. ”

The sound of stomping footsteps come closer and they can almost feel the ground tremor beneath them. They look over at the door, the bolt appearing strong. But Barry knows that it’s only a matter of time before they made their way past it.

He looks back at Iris. “Head downstairs, once you get to the second level, get on that floor and—”

“I know how to get out of here.” He looks at her in confusion for a moment and somehow she manages a small smile. “I snuck in, didn’t I?”

“Right.” Even in the midst of chaos, he can’t help the pride that swells up inside him.

Her eyes flit across his and her hands drag across his wrist as though savoring a last touch. Then, with one last fiery look, she pulls away and heads down the stairs. “Iris,” he calls before she can get far. She turns back. “Call the cops.” Barry doesn’t wait to watch her disappear down the stairs before he makes his way up the next flight of stairs.

Armed with nothing more than the explosives and a switchblade, Barry has to find a way to draw them out to him and away from Iris. He runs up to the next level and shoulders his way through the door. The layout is similar to the floor below and he scouts out the area, looking for anything that he could use. The rest of his weapons were a floor below and with Zoom, Darhk, Rory, and Snart scouring for him, there was no point in wasting time retrieving them. He’d have to work with whatever is at his disposal.

He spots a gas tank connected to a pipe that travels along the perimeter of the room when he hears Zoom bark orders at the others. “You two search the lower levels, we’re going up.”

Iris

He presses his back against the wall, his ear listening close to gauge where they were before he bangs on the metal door beside him. The movements stop abruptly just outside the door and Barry takes a deep breath, waiting with his hand hovering over his switchblade.

The door bursts open and Barry barely flinches as it swings over him. The barrel of a gun pokes out and through the crack in the door, he can see Zoom slide out from behind who he imagines to be Darhk, holding onto the gun.

With the agility of a feline, Barry grabs Darhk’s arm from behind the door, swinging him around until his gun pointed toward Zoom. Barry releases the trigger once just as he throws an elbow back into Darhk’s throat, choking him. Zoom falls to the ground and ducks behind a metal shelf, letting out a scream of rage.

Barry pays no mind to him as he throws Darhk against the wall. He had bought himself time to deal with Zoom with the wound.

He swiftly pulls out his switchblade and drives it into Darhk’s throat in one fluid motion. Dark, warm blood spurts out of the wound and lands on Barry, but he doesn’t waste another moment before he lets Darhk’s body drop to the ground.

Barry lets out a slow breath before bending to pick up Darhk’s fallen gun. Without looking down at it, he cocks it back and walks toward the trail of blood that leads to his target. He marches over until he’s hovering over Zoom’s slumped body.

Zoom turns to look up at him with a baleful smirk. He weakly lifts up his hand that’s holding a gun. “You—”

Barry kicks his gun away before crouching over him and hissing, “Who’s clipping your nuts now?” He points his gun to Zoom’s crotch and releases the trigger.

He doesn’t spare another moment before bolting out the door and trampling down the stairs. Just as he reaches the second floor, piercing shot fires through the air. Barry stumbles back against the stairwell, his ear ringing. There’s a long moment where the world becomes hazy and his vision blurs as the ringing continues. He lifts his hand in a daze to his head and feels something warm and sticky.

He barely has a moment to register the blood on his fingers before a large body barrels into him, slamming him against the wall.

Barry wheezes as the wind gets knocked out of him. Disorientated from the gunshot, his limbs flail, sliding down the wall even as the adrenaline courses through him. His head pounds and feels heavy as he weakly lifts it to look up at his assailant, already knowing who it was.

Rory stands before him, his gun seemingly clattering to the ground when he rushed Barry. He looks down at him with such disdain, his lips curling into a sneer.

“I knew you were up to no good,” he growls. “I told Snart you couldn’t be trusted. But did he believe me? No, not his saint brother. The prince of thieves couldn't possibly betray his family.”

“You’re not my family,” Barry grits while struggling to stand as Rory watches. The ringing dissipates but only a little and Barry has to squeeze his eyes shut to press against the thrumming pain that bloomed.

Rory scoffs. “You got that right.”

Barry opens his eyes again and takes in Rory’s stance. It was relaxed, but Barry knew his cues and his body language. He was gearing for a fight and Barry would have to as well.

"Rory, look," he struggles to speak, still trying to catch his breath and calm his rapid pulse. “It doesn’t have to end this way. We can all leave. Zoom and Darhk are gone, I took them out—”

“Oh you think it’s going to be that easy? That we’re all going to skip merrily out of here like some big happy family?” He leans in closer and drops his voice. “You betrayed us, Allen. I’m not letting that slide.”

Hot spikes of rage bubbles in his blood. “I didn’t do shit. I took out the real enemies, I fell in love, but I did not betray you guys.”

“The hell you didn’t. You chose that bitch over us and you took out our stability, our source of income. And I don’t take that lightly.”

“He was going to kill her!”

“So you fucking let him!” Rory steps closer and grips Barry by his arms. Barry was always on the thinner side and despite the chords of hard muscle that lined his arms, underneath Rory’s meaty and hard grip, he felt small. He remembers the feeling all too well as a child, but that never stopped him."

He could feel Rory’s grip tightening, he felt the move coming and before he could think, Barry bashed his head against Rory, aiming right for his nose. Within moments, Rory’s grip falls as he stumbles back with a loud cry.

Taking advantage of the momentum, Barry lands a right hook into Rory’s jaws before quickly jabbing him in the face. In the throes of adrenaline, he barely feels the impact on his knuckles and gears up to throw another punch when Rory tugs on his shirt out of nowhere and swings him toward the stairs.

Momentarily thrown off his feet, Barry scrambles to clutch the rails against the wall, disorientated when Rory tries to rush him again. Ducking out of the way, Barry lands on the ground, his eyes immediately falling upon the gun just a few feet away.

He hears Rory stumbling toward him and quickly lunges toward it, his body dragging across the ground. His hand struggles to reach it. Just as he hears steps coming closer, his fingers grip the hot Glock and he spins around and pulls the trigger. Barry watches as a bright red spot blooms on Rory’s chest who stills in his movement, his eyes wide. And then slowly as though someone poked him with a single finger, he tips backward and falls down the stairs.

Barry lets his body sag back down on the ground, the gun falling from his hand with a clatter. His chest heaves as he tries to get oxygen into his lungs, his mind suddenly numb as his head lolls to the side. He had just killed his...whatever he was...and Leonard was somewhere out there. Leonard. He had just killed his cousin...

It was a shrill scream that breaks him out of his stupor, his body jerking to life at the sound.

With energy he didn’t think he had left in him, he scrambles to stand. His heart thumps in his chest at the decidedly female scream and he leans heavily against the rail on the wall as he rushes up the stairs to the next level. He shoulders his way out the door and freezes at the sight.

Leonard stands just a few feet away from a startled Iris whose eyes flit over to his the moment he barrels through the door. But he notes with relief that his gun wasn’t drawn at least.

Leonard, for his part, turns to him with a grim look. “So I guess you won, huh?”

Barry keeps his eyes trained on the gun in his hand as he slowly tries to make his way closer to Iris. Leonard tightens his grip on the gun in warning and Barry stops.

“I bet he did that to you, did he?” Leonard says, gesturing at Barry’s sagging body. The words were unspoken but he knew just who he meant. He feels drained and as though he could drop down any moment, but the sight of Iris, the fear of something happening to her keeps him standing. “Not surprised to see it go down like this, really. He dead?”

Barry swallows thickly, unable to find his voice let alone the words. Leonards nods and looks down at his gun.

“I always believed in the saying that the ‘blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb,’” Snart drawls as he flips his gun in his hands. “Mick was my cousin, but you were always a brother to me. Scrawny little kid devastated over losing his father. I didn’t get it myself considering my own was a fucking bastard that beat the shit out of me. Quite literally sometimes. But you...you were this broken little kid with no meat to his bones and I thought ‘This kid didn’t ask to be born into this shit world only to be chewed up and spat back out.’ That’s what it did to me, but I found a way and I had to show you too. You made me proud, Barry. And now...”

Barry’s heart thumps painfully in his chest, aching with the fear. But there was grief. “Leonard, I swear I didn’t mean for this, for any of it.”

“Sure, I believe that. But here we are. What’s left of us?”

“Len, I know I screwed up so much and...you don’t deserve this, but neither does she.”

From his peripheral vision, he sees Iris turn her head and he allows himself to look at her. “Barry,” she says softly with caution in her eyes. “The cops are going to be here soon.”

Barry looks back at Leonard, gauging whether the words had an effect on him. But looking at his still calm demeanor, Barry wonders if he even heard them.

“The cops are coming, Len. You either drop the weapon and come with me, or you stay and go to prison.”

Snart looks down at his gun with a rueful smile. His hands caress the surface of it softly as he shakes his head. “That’s where you’re wrong, Barry. The only two options for me are dead or alive, but I’m not going back to prison. I’m done with that.”

He keeps his gaze down at his gun with a thoughtful look before shaking his head and letting out a small sigh. “You little fucker,” he whispers. He looks back at Barry and clenches his jaw.

“Get out of here.”

Barry freezes for a moment, trying to register what he had just heard. “W-what?”

“I didn’t stutter,” he sneers.

Barry’s eyes flicker to Iris who looks just as thrown. “Her too,” Snart says.

In the midst of confusion, Barry had enough sense to take that moment and get closer to Iris. He slowly inches toward her just as Iris does the same until they’re both standing in front of Snart.

The moment she’s close enough he scrambles for her waist, pulling her closer as his heart thumps rapidly in his chest. She had stayed. He didn’t have time to think about the implications of her actions, but he feels it in his chest as he holds her face gently but urgently, whispering if she was ok.

She nods, her own hand trembling as it reaches for his wound at the side of his head.

“Flesh wound, I’ll be ok,” he reassures.

“You won’t be if you don’t get out of here.”

Barry looks over to Snart, still clutching Iris close to him. “I-I don’t understand.”

He sneers at them with a look of disdain and disappointment. “I’ll never forgive. And I’ll never forget. But I’m not going to kill you.”

“Then come with—”

Suddenly Snart stops and points a finger up, tilting his head as though listening for something. “You hear that?”

Barry exhales as his ear perks, trying to catch a sound. The moment he hears it, dread fills his body. Sirens. By the way Iris stiffens in his arms, he knows she hears it too.

“Clocks ticking and you’re almost out of time. By my estimation, they’re about twelve minutes away. So you either accept my generosity or you let the coppers have you. What’s it going to be?”

“What about you?”

“Like I said, prison isn’t an option for me.” He pauses and looks toward the doorway as the siren gets louder. “What’s it going to be, Barry?”

“Len,” he breathes, his heart aching. “I-I... please, come with us.”

Snart looks back at him with thin lips and Barry tries to decipher the look in his eyes. Leonard was always hard to read, always seemed calm and collected even in the midst of a tense situation. He took it all in stride. Perhaps it was a result of his upbringing and living with the torment of his father’s hands that desensitized him and warped his perception. Nothing was worse than the violence in his home and perhaps everything else felt feasible to him.

But as Barry watches his brother’s eyes, there’s something akin to resolve in them. He was sure of his fate and there was nothing Barry could do to stop him. The betrayal, the lies...they were all eclipsed by the brotherhood that always remained strong between Barry and Snart. And it would continue for the rest of their days.

Barry releases Iris, the pain in his chest strong he felt it could choke him. When he gets closer, he slowly reaches out to touch Snart’s shoulder, feeling the kevlar for his own reassurance. He hands the weapons he collected over to Snart before looking up at him, meeting his cool blue eyes.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispers. “I’m so sorry.”

Snart looks at him for a moment. “Ride or die,” he says. “Get outta here. Now .”

Barry nods jerkily, hearing the sirens louder than ever, and backs away. He whirls around to grab Iris’ hands and runs toward the side door. He takes one last look at Snart who remains watching them even as he faces the front entrance. He feels Iris tugging on his hand—his freedom, his future—and he finally looks away.

As Barry and Iris make their escape, he stops at one of the floors and searches the wall for the gas pipe. It only takes a few hits, but he busts it open until the air hisses out. He places one of the explosives next to it, setting the timer.

“What are you doing?” Iris asks with a look of horror.

“We have to blow this place up.” Maybe it would buy Len some time. Maybe the explosion would distract the cops away from him. Either way, he had to try.

“What? Barry, it could kill everyone!”

It was a risk he had to take. He doesn’t waste another moment before dragging her away until they’re on the top floor. He places another one there, setting the timer.

The sounds of the sirens are deafening as Barry and Iris make it up to the roof, but he keeps them low until they’re a safe distance away.

They hold each other tightly once they are and watch as the explosions create fumes, cracking and crumbling the side of the warehouse. They don’t know whether Snart made it out alive but there was only one thing they could do. Live.

When they make it back to her place, she settles him on the couch before rushing out with the list he had given her. He’d be ok, but he needed medical attention sooner rather than later and seeing as how going to the hospital was out of the question, supplies from the nearest drug store would have to do.

He calls out to her before she leaves the apartment, his voice raspy with emotion and exhaustion. “Iris.”

She turns back to look at him over her shoulder, her hand stilling on the doorknob.

“Are you hurt?” he asks.

She shakes her head. “I’m ok,” she says softly.

It’s the reassurance he needed but the fear didn’t leave him as he watches her walk out the door. He counts down the minutes until she returns safely back to him. His paranoid mind thinks of all kinds of scenarios in which she would be taken from him.

Taken by who? Zoom was dead and Iris had no involvement with the criminals as far as the cops knew. No one should be coming for her, but still, he has to fight to keep calm. He finally let himself breath when she returns, arms heavy with the weight of grocery bags.

She had brought food too and hands him a chocolate pudding cup as she gets to work.

“Have you ever patched up a bullet wound before?”

She scoffs, her face drawn as she scrubs her hands over a bucket before drying them on a fresh towel. She slips on vinyl gloves and turns to him.

“No,” she says dryly. “But something tells me you have so you’re going to have to walk me through it. Aside from Grey’s Anatomy, I know jack squat about it.”

He watches her jerky movements and he can tell she’s barely keeping it together. He wants to ask her again if she’s ok, but the look in her eyes stop him and begins to instruct her. He closes his hands, letting her gentle hands tend to him as he softly instructs her how to stitch up the open wound on the side of his head. He grits his teeth in pain but pushes along and within a couple of hours, she’s cleaned him up and patched up his wounds.

She ushers him into the shower and surprises him when she remains by his side, demanding him to strip. “You don’t have to—”

“I’m not going to let you slip and fall in my shower after everything. So just get to it.” And without another word, he obeys. At some point, as she’s cleaning his face with a soapy towel, he watches the expression on her face relax. Her hands tender and slow around the saran wrap she on his head, her eyes look lost in thought. He wants to desperately ask her what's on her mind, wants to know if she really is ok, but the fear of breaking this spell they were in stops him. This spell that somehow allowed them to be calm despite the storm that was warring inside of them both.

“I’m a criminal now, aren’t I?” she whispers at one point. He looks at her warily. By the definitions of the law, she was by aiding and abetting. But was she like him and every other criminal out there? Never.

“You’re going to be ok.” That much he would promise her as he lets her tend to him.

And he reveled in her touch while he could, in the soft gaze upon him. It was more than he deserved and yet, here she was, washing away the blood on his hands like a forgiving saint. And in this moment, while she was with him, he would savor this, stay there with her and push aside the dreadful thoughts at the back of his mind. Push aside for the moment what he knew he had to do.

She brings her face closer to him, her eyes fluttering as she presses her lips to his cheekbone. “I’m glad you’re ok,” she whispers.

He lets out a shaky breath, nuzzling against her cheek. He furrows his brows as the pain in his chest tightens and his arms wrap around her. “Why did you come back for me?” he whispers back.

He feels her shrug. “I just couldn’t leave you. I couldn’t have that on my conscious.”

It wasn’t exactly a love declaration, but he’d take it and while he’d like to press her for more, he remains silent, letting her be the one to reach and staying ready to take her hand when she does. As much as he wanted to hear the words, this was enough to keep him steady and he’d carry it with him for the rest of his life. It would have to be enough to sustain him when she becomes absent in her life and he in hers.

Hours later, he watches Iris sleep in her bed, her wet hair dampening the pillow underneath her. He kisses her lips and closes his eyes to savor the softness of them, trying to preserve the taste and imprint it into his mind. He’d need something for the road.

Pulling away reluctantly, he doesn’t open his eyes until he sets the letter down on her bedside table where he’d left something important for her. They had done their best to cover up their tracks and DNA, but whether Snart was alive or not, the cops knew his face and it was only a matter of time before they came looking for Barry. And when they did, he wanted to be as far from Iris as possible where none of this would touch her.

He had already tainted her life enough and asked for more than he deserved, he would do this one selfless thing and leave her at peace. He’d have to leave her. He’d have to give her a fighting chance to live as normal of a life as she possibly could.

But no matter where he went and how far he traveled he knew two things with absolute certainty.

One, he loved her more than anything, more than life itself.

And two, he’d see her again. One day, someday, he knew they would meet again.

This side or the other.

#Westallen #WA AU #Westallen AU #Absolution in You #done done

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overbakedone · 6 years

Text

this is the first time i've ever started writing my thoughts and feelings anywhere before. this is not easy.

instead of writing things and then deleting it all because its not good enough or it sounds stupid i'm just going to write it now and stop backspacing. i guess i should start with where i am in life right now so there is some perspective.

im 25, im a bakers apprentice, i live with my parents, i have a girlfriend, lets call her ‘C’ who for the first time feels right to me despite everything, i barely have any friends, they don't ever want to see me, i don't have much time in my life right now, i work all night and struggle to fit sleep into my schedule. but things are really the best they have ever been for me. i just started an AFL 9′s competition, weird i usually have no confidence going into these things and will either quit after the first practice or not even show up, i really kinda enjoyed it and am excited for next week.

i've wanted to start writing anything for a few months now, i guess now i have some time. time is so fucked up, i wish there was more of it, i wish i could sleep without wasting my day, i wish i didn't have to compromise sleep for everything but i do, i guess its part of being a baker, its a job i am loving and i think i've found my life passion but it has its ups and downs. my partner C expects a lot of my time i guess, she can be very needy at times, demanding almost, sometimes i feel pressured by her to sacrifice my sleep, personal plans and hobbies and interests for her, but i know what she feels, she wants the same thing i do. she has problems making friends, or keeping friends, she feels isolated and alone, and she wants my companionship, and i want that too and despite anything i feel in the moment i always feel happy about her at the end of the day.

i should be grateful for the relationship i am in right now, i really should be grateful for a lot of stuff, my parents for allowing me to stay here still, being so supportive and also allowing and accepting of me and really tolerant of the shit i do. ok so i do smoke week every day right so that's already something to do at home that's difficult, i'm pretty sure they know and don't care or even agree that my life has been better since i started smoking, fuck i used to be on antidepressants, i took one every day at a certain time, it made me feel a bit better, ok sounds just like smoking right, expect when i didn't take this pill i got nausea, headaches, severe episodes of depression, i couldn't eat my appetite was so fucked up i was eating one meal a day and it was like a piece of bread or takeaway food. since the smoking started i've found some actual passion in life, i don't feel like a useless number anymore i guess.

one of the things on my mind always is my friends, since i was in highschool i havent really had a group of friends, i feel like i am a social person but then when it comes to it i feel like i just get burned. a lot of my old friends turned out to be secretly hating me and not wanting me around, some sort of pity friendship, i was an asshole in my time and honestly was not a good friend myself, do you pay for the dumb shit you do as a teenager, the people you fuck over go from your life completely yet new people you meet do the same things to you like they know. i had/have a long term best friend, J, we had been mates for years, we worked at my old job dominoes together for a bit, and kinda hung out a few times, but not until we got into PC gaming together did we form a bond. after that we would chat every day, play games together, watch the footy together, go places even though he lived across the city from me. one thing that changed massively in my life was i quit drinking alcohol, and then i felt like all my friends both disagree with my choice and resent me for it, like for some reason i have to take the same drugs they are taking at that time to be their friends. so J has just grown more and more distant, i get that we are older now, we both have partners, jobs that take a lot of our time, but then when we hang out or talk he seems disinterested, more interested with his friends that i introduced him to (from our discord server) and has seemingly replaced me, none of these guys i really like at all, in fact the only one of the new group i like is the one girl in it because she actually has interesting things to say.

fuck that was a paragraph, i guess i should talk about alcohol.

alcohol has fucked up my life, i cant repair the mistakes and stupid things i did while drinking alcohol, so they are there, i guess its just talking about it left. to start off, when i drink alcohol i have a hard time finding my limit, i feel like i swing from nothing to completely blacked out, puking, sobbing and basically hating myself very quick, i feel sick for days after drinking, barely able to eat, leave bed, move, i feel so nauseous and tired, its so fucked up what it does to your body, but oh your mind is even worse. i've broken off relationships, cheated, threatened people, gotten into fights, brawls, got my arm broken, hurt myself repeatedly, gotten arrested and a criminal record that may prevent me from going to canada next year, and is currently delaying booking flights, ive missed work, shown up drunk same clothes no shower to work, but the main thing that alcohol does to me is makes me sad. alcohol makes me so fucking sad, it makes me reach into the deepest pits i can think of and brings out all the emotions that are in there, my ex being the main one. every time i used to drink id think of her, call her, text her, go on her facebook, look up her instagram her twitter, fuck it drive my car to her house to see if her cars there like that does anything or means anything just fucking alcohol is so stupid. i never want to feel like that again, i never want to sabotage my life, sabotage and self destruct my relationships, but i guess losing my friends is the thing i have to take in consideration. australia is a fucked up place, where drinking heavily is the social norm and if you don't get fucked up or even have a beer with mates you're a loser.

i just want a deep connection with my friends. when i was in newcastle with my partner, i met her friends there that she had been living with, despite the fucked up things that happened to her there, she lost a lot of friends herself and a long time friend, had trouble finding new ones, trouble fitting in, the friends she had there were the most honest and truly welcoming, connecting people ive met, and i miss that. i miss having a friend you can just, go over to their place, sit around for 3-4 hours talking shit, laughing, listening to music, relaxing and sharing stories and shit. weird that people can have such an effect on you in a short time. the life i live here is full of making plans, only for them to be cancelled, inviting friends over, for nobody to show up, cancelled plans all the fucking time, i've never been asked to just come over and chill, never its always some group thing that i'm invited to as well. i even try talking to them about this, i told a group of girl friends i have, i miss you all and haven't seen you in so long, we need to have a casual hangout, and the message was almost completely ignored, i asked them all to come to mind to watch the grand final, the house was free, i got a big projector screen, big comfy couch, live central right in the middle of everyone, nobody even replied or brought it up again, yet the second someone else that lives in the far corners of perth brought it up everyone started chatting about their plan to go. so if that's not my friends making it obvious they don't want to see me, they only include me then thats fucked up. i don't know what to say, this happens all the time, my 21st birthday i invited 65 people, and less than 15 people showed up. its hard to keep trying, always trying, i always try to make social events, i always ask friends what they are doing, when they can see me, make plans, they get cancelled, they are busy, they say they're coming then don't show up, most of the time i never hear a word too, they just dont show and don't even apologize, is that a fair thing to do, yeah sometimes i dont go to my friends events, i'm too fucking tired or just don't feel like going, somethings come up, i tell them straight away i cant make it i'm sorry this has come up, yet i don't get the same courtesy.

am i an unlikable person

the guys at work seem to like me, so i started a baking apprenticeship, basically i started watching great british bake off and picked it up as a hobby, making cakes and stuff, actually i should go back. so i used to work in some shitty small software company in the city, 9-5, peak hour traffic, office drama, workplace bullies, understaffed, overworked, red tape and bullshit everywhere, i quit after 2.5 years for mental health reasons, i made a lot of money but had to move on, so i spent a year off , it was only supposed to be a few months, go on a holiday road trip with my then partner, S, she broke up with me via a text message right after eagles lost to melbourne at home, basically the footy game was more disappointing, we had a shit relationship, i think i resented her, i cheated on her, yeah i'm an awful person and deserve everything, she was an emotionally manipulative person, terrified of her own body and sex, tried to dominate my life and change me, im glad we broke up. so i stayed unemployed for a long time, over a year, barely looking, until i found this baking apprenticeship, not only did i apply for the job and write a completely custom cover letter (im so fucking lazy i usually close a job application the second it requires anything more than an apply button) AND i called back a few weeks later when i heard nothing, well turns out that call landed me the job, the apprentice they hired instead of me was useless, had no passion and was a slow worker. so i got the job, and basically have been killing it ever since, i get a lot of praise at work (lots of criticism too) baking is one of those things that takes time, its all about time, so i got a lot to learn but i am actually confident once in my life, holy shit i have a job i like and am good at. is this the dream?> lol

so today i started writing my feelings down, and its kinda felt good, but i'm exhausted now, and my fingers hurt, so this is the end of my first post, i hope nobody reads it, its really just for me but i don't know.

thanks for listening i guess

#self #baking #life #thoughts

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