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#not much of a transformers romance person in general

unproduciblesmackdown · 2 years

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a post because i saw one that annoyed me:

One of my goals in thinking about redefining the way we view relationships is to try to treat the people I date more like I treat my friends—try to be respectful and thoughtful and have boundaries and reasonable expectations—and to try to treat my friends more like my dates—to give them special attention, honor my commitments to them, be consistent, and invest deeply in our futures together. In the queer communities I'm in valuing friendship is a really big deal, often coming out of the fact that lots of us don't have family support, and build deep supportive structures with other queers. We are interested in resisting the heteronormative family structure in which people are expected to form a dyad, marry, have kids, and get all their needs met within that family structure. A lot of us see that as unhealthy, as a new technology of post-industrial late capitalism that is connected to alienating people from community and training them to think in terms of individuality, to value the smaller unit of the nuclear family rather than the extended family. Thus, questioning how the status and accompanying behavior norms are different for how we treat our friends versus our dates, and trying to bring those into balance, starts to support our work of creating chosen families and resisting the annihilation of community that capitalism seeks.

A lot of the things I'm writing here go to the basic notion of what we think loving other people is about. Is it about possessing them, finding security in them, having all our needs met by them, being able to treat them in any way and still having them stick around? I hope not. What I hope that love is—whether platonic, romantic, familial, or communal—is the sincere wish that another person have what they need to be whole and develop themselves to their best capacity for joy or whatever fulfillment they're seeking.

Monogamy has stopped making sense now that I see it as an implicit agreement with someone to only have certain kinds of relationships with everyone else in your life. This basically means drawing boundaries all over someone else's life...boundaries that don't make much sense to me anymore. Just because someone doesn't have sex with anyone else doesn't mean they aren't going to be attracted to anyone else. Just because they don't label a relationship with someone in a certain way doesn't mean they aren't going to feel love for that person. It seems silly and arbitrary to draw lines in terms of physical affection. Hugging is ok, but not kissing? Cuddling is ok, but not sex? It seems even more impossible to draw lines in terms of love and feelings.

I had never been very good at drawing lines between the love I felt for my friends and the love I felt for people I was in romantic relationships with, even when I was inhabiting the universe where those lines were made to seem very important. I was perpetually "falling for" my friends in this way that could only ever end in reciprocation or heartbreak, because in that universe I was definitely not allowed to be "in love" with my friends, especially not if I happened to be interested in sleeping with them. But in this new alternate universe I don't need those lines, and it makes perfect, beautiful sense. I can just feel however I feel about people without worrying about the way our relationship is labeled. What really matters is defining that relationship for ourselves, not for other people. What that means is having conversations about what we want, and what we are willing to give.

I've learned that I need to be straight up about how much time I want to spend with someone. I need to be specific about it. I would rather talk about how often we want to see each other and what we want out of our relationship than use labels like "primary partner" or someone I see "casually". Just because I'm not spending a huge amount of time with someone doesn't mean they don't deserve honesty, communication, and clear expectations for our relationship. This goes for friendships as well, and I would like to have way more conversations with my friends about our relationships and expectations. If in this universe I have friends that I'm in love with and lovers that I'm friends with, then why does one relationship deserve more care and attention than another? Why should we have these conversations with people that we fuck, but not with those that we don't? The people in my life that I don't have sex with aren't less important to me, so I don't want to treat them that way.

I want to do this because I want to challenge the frameworks that I am expected to base my relationships on: gender, marriage, the nuclear family. Hetero-monogamy is part of a narrative that I want no place in: the creation of an atomized family unit, whose boundary delineates the space in which I am allowed to care for others, outside of which my relationships are dominated by fear and the logic of my own self-preservation. I want to create families that are based on intentionality, affinity, and support. I don't want a family based on a role that I was born into. I feel like the only way I can really break through my isolation is to build relationships on my own terms, with my own frameworks and beliefs.

I want to resist the commodification of my body by never considering myself the possessor of someone else's, and not needing my body to be given value only through its possession by others. I want to confront ideas of sexual objectification and ownership every time I feel them rise up within myself. Any moment that someone shares their body with me is precarious and fleeting, and that shared moment doesn't give me any say in what else that person wants to do with their body (unless it pertains to my own health and safety). I also don't want to make assumptions about what someone is willing to share today based on what they shared yesterday. I am never entitled to someone else's body.

Saying 'yes' in this context means so much more than agreeing to see each other 'steadily'. At its most severe, going steady gets tied up with the tacit promise of a supposedly long-term and exclusive relationship where Joe and Molly can navigate a blueprint, building happy coupledom. By not explicitly defining what Joe means by going steady, the relationship passively slides onto tracks bound for 'a happy life together'. This slide can happen because we are all well trained in making assumptions about what the structures of a relationship are. These implied structures constitute a hetero-romantic relationship ideal which in turn translates into a minimum level of commitment, sexual exclusivity, long-term investment, nuclear family building, and much more. The overarching ultimatum of living a relationship through undiscussed and rigid relationship conventions is that either the conventions are maintained (the expectations are consistently met, the blueprints are followed) or the relationship will end in, at the very least, a romantic separation—no more affectionate physical contact, no more intimate emotional support. If the relationship does not follow and match the blueprint, Joe and Molly are left with the choice of either getting things back on track or romantic separation. Those who do not want to choose between the happily ever after and a life of romantic solitude, those who cannot or do not want to play out the blueprint, are pushed to find and create other ways of doing relationships.

Often, when rejecting the going steady blueprint we slip a little and end up rejecting monogamy. Once monogamy is unqualifiably bad, it is a pretty quick step to figure out that polyamoury is good: having a sexually exclusive romantic relationship means conforming to an archaic patriarchal and power laden script so, having an anti-patriarchal, politically conscious, and critical relationship means you should have more than one sexual partner. To be clear, I am not trying to rescue or defend monogamy. I am arguing that a preoccupation with a monogamy/polyamoury binary prevents a more useful and more critical analysis of the ends of the political potential for romantic relationships. The locus of the potential for relationships is not a reductive tally of the number of sexual partners a person can juggle at one time. The number of people a person manages to sleep with does not say all that much, however, more revealing are the questions of how relationships are structured, how relationships are political, how individual relationships are affected by norms and the capacity individual relationships have to shape new norms. Reducing relationship politics to a monogamy vs polyamoury manicheanism means dismissing other harmful norms and assumptions that are affecting us as un- or less important.

i have enough love to go around. its not a commodity. i'll make you breakfast at 5pm on a sunday night and when you leave to go to work, i'll go out dancing and make out with someone i've been flirting with for weeks. and its not sneaky and behind your back. and its not taking anything away from how i am when i see you. i might not have a lot of time, but i have a lot of love for the people in my life and i'm willing to think hard about how i distribute my time. and i'm willing to say something when i need you to hold my hand, to have my back. and i trust that you'll do the same.

and if we ever get married, we'll know that it's for immigration purposes. and if we go through periods of time where neither of us are sleeping with anyone else, we'll know it's not because we possess each other. and when we hit rocky patches and it's fucking hard and we're taking turns falling apart, we'll know that at least we've communicated enough in the past to probably deal with it. probably. because even though i'll never promise to love you forever, we've gotten pretty far and i don't have any intention at the moment to stop loving you. and that time qualifier doesn't make it less meaningful. it means that this is a decision i'm making over and over again, every time we schedule a hang out, i'm doing it cause i want to see you. cause i want to be there.

I still think that having multiple sexual and/or romantic partners is do-able, and that I could be someone's "secondary" partner again, but I think this requires hard-core honesty about needs & expectations from the get-go, and really good communication. For example, I'd rather someone say "I like you, but can only see you once every two weeks, because that's how much I'm willing and able to give this relationship" than "I'd love to hang out more but I'm just really busy", which evades responsibility and isn't clear about expectations. Plus, everyone is busy, so you make time for people you prioritize and want to see.

I also think that people need to be very careful about how they treat their "secondary" partners, and any lover, friend, roommate or family for that matter: these are not people you can just call up whenever you're lonely (unless that's your arrangement), and ditch whenever life gets to be too much.

I think it's important to constantly re-educate ourselves on these issues: so we can learn to be better in all our relationships, so we can be honest, non-jealous, and caring partners and friends, and so we can avoid, as best we can, people getting hurt, feeling pushed aside, feeling secondary.

- excerpts from “this is about more than who we fuck (and who fucks us).” zine

#i.e. i see a post abt romance that of course is gonna be annoying to me? a dialogue...#sounded like an interpersonal problem of ''so when you're venting abt wanting a romantic relationship you just want listening rather than #any proffered solutions'' but spun into ''ugh i'm sick of society invalidating / deprioritizing desire for romance'' lmao is it doing that..#Well I'm About To Be Sickening #and add op's choice to describe suggesting focus on nonromantic relationships as ''infantilizing'' like uh. perhaps dismissive; patronizing #quite a Particular Word Choice....so i'm like well what's enough of the opposite of what's going on here #that is: par for the course vague desire for romance with a perspective that's barely analytical & weirdly so?#i know the queer / relationship anarchist quotes are out there....then i find this zine like fun i'll peruse that. then i make this post.#and here we are today for our fun and enrichment #The General Wisdom of Aromantic People would've also counted. like clearly this doesn't touch directly much on aroaceness as is relevant #to me / my personal wavelength. but it's The Same Matter of autonomy. the autonomy to date someone / have sex? = the autonomy Not To.#anyways just transforming irritation into having some fun collecting quotes #long post ///

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neptunes-sol-angel · 3 months

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What is your healing era giving? Pick the pile(s) that you're drawn to the most then scroll down for their corresponding message.

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Pile One

You’re shocking people with the ways that you are healing yourself. What they see as they witness your transformation, is the walking embodiment of a high priestess, the keeper of knowledge and a vessel of magnificent secrets. Who you are, in this healing era that you are in, is an enigma that won’t be locked away or censored. The way that you’re healing is spiritually ancestral. You possess the kind of wisdom that isn’t gained from age, it’s inherited. You’re a generational curse breaker, someone in your bloodline who finally recognizes a poisonous pattern in your family with the strength to be the one to not consume it. You’re observant, you’re emotionally intelligent, and you have a mind of your own even when growing up in an environment that was meant to control you, this era is making you embrace the thorns in your roses. You’re becoming the modern-day Joan of Arc by having more self-conviction even when being outnumbered by people trying to convince you out of what you know to be true. You’re healing the perception of purity and time in not just yourself but others too. If you grew up sheltered with a family relative that infantilized you with malicious intent to keep you dependent on them, your healing era is helping you break out of those barriers that kept you from making choices to improve your happiness, success, and progression. You’re no longer afraid of getting hurt or “tainted” in this world, you’re living for yourself and what makes you complete. Learning feels like freedom now because fear is no longer your teacher. Don’t feel down about being a late bloomer because it is better to be late than never, there may be people in this pile who approaching their 30s/40s and feel like they haven’t accomplished anything, but your healing era is reminding you that it is never too late. People forget that youth is ever flowing, you can’t flourish by remaining stagnant because of how you think you should be to achieve something. Don’t underestimate how massive things can change for you when you believe in how capable success is, as you already are. Your healing era is a correcting history, you won’t be burned at the stake this time, you’re going to be walking through fire by knowing that the secret power is to just keep moving.

Pile two

Immediately, I’m hearing “tuh...”. Yeah! This era in your healing journey has been long overdue, but at last bitch, it’s here. Speaking of bitch, you’re finally understanding that you’re THAT one, and you shouldn’t be humble about it anymore. Your enemies knew this before you did though, and of course, they had to attempt to knock you down a peg to make themselves feel better. This goes beyond people simply trying to make it seem like you’re not attractive when you are or people noticing your light but pretending not to see you until they get the validation from other people to do so. Your healing era is very much like this video I saw where people are like “it ain’t that deep” and this girl said, “okay puddle, I’m the ocean”, you’re realizing that yes, you cannot control the people that act crazy towards you because of their insecurities, but you can control and make it known about what you will not allow, and this is about your personal day-to-day interactions with people, like not keeping it in about the things that offend you and constantly giving grace to people who know that they’re exhibiting petty behavior to disrespect you. To stop trying to make “IDGAF” wars happen when you know that you actually do care about things, and it’s okay to do that regardless of what society thinks is cool nowadays. Your healing era consists of a makeover in love by no longer settling for shallow relationships or the utter thought of a situationship when you know that you want to be romanced and catered to like a deity. You’re bulldozing so much of who or what isn’t supportive for what you need as a person, and you aren’t afraid to do it because you now know your worth and that you have the tools to build everything over and this time in your image. Your social circle is improving, your experiences in loving others and being loved is improving, finances improving, and your skin might even be improving because this entire era of your healing is like one huge detox, you’re clearing out the toxicity out of your inner world. The words that debilitate your self-esteem, the people that say you can’t do something like starting your own business or going for that one opportunity that may get you to that amazing breakthrough, negative people and habits that make you believe the worst about yourself or that your life won’t get any better. Your healing era is about your life becoming the royal throne made to match the royal person such as yourself.

Pile Three

“You have a natural allegiance to losers and it’s unlike you”. Your healing era has a lot to do with removing yourself from situations that put you out of character. You’re moving towards more peaceful times and understanding how valuable your own energy is with an elevated fondness for spending time with yourself. You’re going to experience the kind of solitude that isn’t a punishment, but a strange feeling that may take some time to adjust to but at the same time, it’s familiar. Your healing era is about returning to normal and unlearning from the experiences that have left swords in your back. Maybe you grew up around “love”, your family and upbringing didn’t have to be perfect, but there was this innocence that you had before being out in the real world, this can look like experiencing emotionally unavailable people with communication issues and situations that have desensitized you. You could be questioning yourself about the people that are currently making you feel out of place right now, wondering what’s keeping you in these spaces that make you feel deprived of something or this paradox of still feeling empty and alone in a room filled with people. You’re healing from these effects of experiencing deficits, you don’t have to put up with certain things just to prove yourself to others or to make space for someone who doesn’t deserve to be in your life. How people perceive you in your healing era is someone who is genuinely unbothered and no longer giving your all to a situation that is unrequited. They see you full of life again instead of depleted from always putting yourself below others. They also see you essentially as someone that they can no longer exploit. You could be more private now, so it leaves others curious as to what you’re up to. You’re truly moving in silence because you’re noticing how beneficial it is to protect your intimate and professional life, people can act like they’re concerned about you or like they’re supportive until they see that you are doing better than them or up to something big. You’re focused on yourself, and it shows how much you’re manifesting your goals and even though looks aren’t everything, people are finding you to be majestically beautiful, your peace looks good on you. Keep protecting it.

#divination #intuitive #psychic #pick a card #tarot #spirituality #tarotblr #pick a pile #pick a picture #pick a pile reading #healing #era

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penny-anna · 1 year

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you do not have to like fanfiction. if you think fanfiction is cringy & annoying you can just Say That. but any attempt to argue that fanfiction is inherently inferior to other types of writing falls apart under scrutiny.

'most fanfiction is badly written' sturgeon's law is an adage that states '90% of everything is crap'. this was first coined in defence of science fiction, a genre often maligned as inherently inferior to 'real literature' (sound familiar??)

'oh but most fanfiction is worse than published fiction' yes; this is because pro published books go through a heavy selection and editorial process before the public see them. when it comes to quality of writing you are not comparing like to like. the appropriate 1:1 comparison would be fanfiction & amateur original fiction.

i have hung out in multiple online writing spaces & in 'anyone welcome' RL writing groups and can say with reasonable confidence that most original fiction getting produced is just plain mediocre. there's so so much bad original fiction being produced every day. u just never see it.

'you have to wade through so much garbage to find anything worth reading' you ever hear like. a fiction magazine editor describe what their slush pile experience is like??

'ok but fanfiction is bad because it lacks originality, it's better to come up with your own story & ideas' nobody actually thinks this!! people trot this out about fanfiction but like pro published literature is full of retellings of public domain stories and no-one ever argues that they're inherently worse or less creative than works with original plots.

the dividing line between fanfiction & 'original' fiction generally isn't actually originality, it's whether or not it's transformative of a text that's currently under copyright. & i would hope it's self-evident that the copyright status of the text a work is transforming shouldn't have any bearing on its literary merit. why on earth would it??

'but most fanfiction is trope-y and formulaic' yes this is true and yes i do think there's an argument to be made that a work of fiction that's interchangeable with thousands of other works of fiction is lacking in 'literary merit'.

however this is also true of a lot of pro published literature. whole swathes of genres like eg crime & romance exist to give readers the same experience over and over again. are these books bad? maybe! does their existence mean the entire genre they belong to should be written off? obviously no.

'but fanfiction is all about shipping' yeah a lot of fanfiction belongs to the romance & erotica genres. you do not have to like this. but disparagement of romance as a genre has its roots in the fact that it's mainly written & enjoyed by women. its just sexism lads. :(

'fanfiction encourages bad habits in writers' there's some merit to this argument IMO (that's a different rant) but see above re:90% of everything is crap; the presence of bad writing in a genre doesn't mean that the whole genre should be written off.

'what so you think fanfiction is as good as *insert classic novel here*' nobody is saying this; if you see someone arguing that fanfiction is real writing and jump to 'this person thinks MCU coffee shop AUs are culturally significant works of literature', to be blunt, that is a you problem.

'fanfiction just isn't real literature' ok so fiction divides into 'real literature' and 'not real literature'. got it.

[ID: screencap of a tumblr post by user theislandofmisfittoys:

Okay… nice dichotomy, IDIOT ‼ what lies outside it???]

(OP)

#i realise i am preaching to the choir but i wrote this out so u guys have to read it

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bucca2 · 8 months

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Shrike pt. 1 - words hung above but never would form

definition. male shrikes are known for their habit of catching insects and small vertebrates and impaling them on thorns

König x high school sweetheart reader

2nd person, gender neutral reader for now but reader is afab and referred to as a girl, reader is Austrian/has lived in Austria and speaks German for most of the story, romance, pining, friends to lovers, reader's nickname is Thorn, König's first name is Alexander

4.8k words

tw: bullying, brief mention of cheating and domestic abuse (not explicit, mentions of violence, and not done by König), mention of terrorism, suicidal thoughts

[NEXT]

based on this post by @ceilidho, who gave me permission to write this! many thanks <3

this post is dedicated to @papaver-decervicatus, who I am so proud of for finishing chapter 4 of her fic cat/mouse/den (which I highly recommend) and eating NO glass in the process. her headcanons for König have had a huge influence on me, and while there are some differences between julius and alexander, I absolutely must thank Caedis for her wonderful portrayal of König.

and of course, to @danibee33, for fueling my König brainrot. without you, I probably would not have returned to writing <33

disclaimer, I am not Austrian, I do not speak German, so if there's anything that needs correcting, please do reach out!

You admit, you’ve always had an affinity for protecting the weak.

When you were twelve, a bird slammed headlong into your bedroom window. The poor thing had avoided snapping its own neck but was certainly in no condition to fly. You’d bolted out of your childhood home to check on it, but by the time you arrived, a huge grey tomcat was prowling, sitting back on his haunches and ready to pounce. You generally liked cats, but this one was a mean old stray, and you’d always been frightened to go near him.

Without hesitation, you had shoved the cat aside, spitting and yowling, and taken the little bird into your hands.

It took a few days to nurse back to health, and you still remember the day you released it back into nature. It was worth the long scratch down your arm, pride swelling in your heart as it spread its wings and flew into a vivid blue sky. You remember it even now: a charming little gray bird, a streak of black coloring over its eyes. A shrike, your mother had identified it as.

People are no different than animals, sometimes. People can be cornered, battered, and bruised as well. You recognize the broken hunch of the bird you rescued in the boy sitting by himself at lunch time. His shoulders curl inwards with a desperate need to go unnoticed. You’ve seen him around: he’s not in any of your classes, but your classes always seem to end up in the same hallways, so you pass each other all the time.

He jumps a little as you slide into the seat next to him, shrinking away from you in a way that breaks your heart. “Hey.”

No response. You offer your name, but he seems reluctant to divulge his own.

“Is it okay if I sit here?”

He shrugs.

“Thanks. I don’t know anybody at this school, so it’s nice to have a friend.”

“…friend?” He has a nice voice, you think. Timid, but almost sweet.

“Well, if you’ll let me call you one.”

“…”

And so begins your friendship with König.

I was housed by your warmth Thus transformed By your grounded and giving And darkening scorn

You didn’t call him that in high school, of course. You wouldn’t know that name until much, much later. It takes a while to coax him out of his shell, cajoling him that you can’t call him “green-eyed boy” forever, to get his name.

“Alexander is a very good name,” you assure him, and he seems pleased. He’s still hesitant to speak to you at all, but that’s just fine by you. You’ve got plenty to talk about, anyway.

“You know, I read this book about Alexander the Great. There’s this crazy story about one of his battles at a city called Tyre. He was laying siege to it after a misunderstanding with their king…” you chatter on, unaware of the intense stare from the boy sitting next to you.

“…ordinarily, sieging an island is pretty difficult, but you won’t believe what he did,” you rattle on. “He—”

“He built his own bridge,” Alexander says, so quietly you almost don’t hear him at first. You look at him in surprise.

“Yes! You know this story already?”

“I read a lot about him.”

“Then why did you let me ramble on about it if you knew about it already?” You’re a little embarrassed, having felt proud of yourself for knowing niche facts about historical figures.

“I like listening to you talk.”

That shuts you up for a moment. Only for a moment though, before you start to laugh.

“What?” he asks, an edge creeping into his voice.

“Nothing! It’s just—usually people tell me the opposite,” you say. “People say I talk too much.”

“I don’t mind.” His eyes dart to your face before looking away again.

“That’s good to hear. But I hope you know this means you’re never getting rid of me now,” you tease, nudging him gently.

He doesn’t respond, but for a second, you could have sworn that a corner of his mouth had turned up into a smile.

Learning more about him is like trying to draw blood from a stone, but you do your best. He mentions sharing a room with a cousin. His oma makes the best comfort food. Sometimes his mother takes him into town to buy candy, but he has to hide it or his cousin will steal it. Not that he cares that much—he doesn’t have much of a sweet tooth, but his family doesn’t come from means, so it means a lot to him whenever his mother spares a few pennies to buy him a frivolity.

It's what he doesn’t say that tells you the most about him. The way he fidgets with his clothes when he’s nervous. The brief panic that shoots through him whenever you call his name before he relaxes when he realizes it’s just you. The way he shies away from people in the hallways, just to avoid any contact whatsoever.

The fact that he never talks about his father.

The way he curls into himself when he’s being bullied.

“You should be apologizing to me for being in my way right about now, freak,” Andreas taunts him. He’s knocked Alexander’s books to the ground, like some sort of cartoon caricature of a bully, and you’re fed up.

“Hey!” Without missing a beat, you slide yourself between Alexander and Andreas. You’ve recently hit a bit of a growth spurt, so you note with a bit of smugness that you’re at least an inch or two taller than Andreas. You’re also quite a bit taller than Alexander, you realize. The two of you are usually sitting when you talk, so you’ve never really noticed.

“Leave him alone!” You stand your ground even as Andreas fixes you with a withering glare.

“Ah, so you’re gonna let your big strong girlfriend fight your fights now, is that it?” Andreas sneers. Alexander stiffens behind you, and you decide right then and there that you’ve had enough of this nonsense.

“You’re the last person who should be bringing up girlfriends, Andreas,” you say, staring him down with a look that you hope is sufficiently intimidating. “Everybody knows Yulia broke up with you because you can’t get it up.” You don’t know Yulia. You don’t give enough of a shit about Andreas to follow the gossip about him. But by the way his cheeks get ruddy, you know you’ve struck a nerve. The handful of spectators your little confrontation has attracted snicker.

“You little bitch,” he snarls. You hear the gasp of the students surrounding you before you feel it. You put a hand to your rapidly reddening cheek.

The little twerp had slapped you.

“That’s what you get for getting in my way,” he says, with a smug little look that you want to wipe off his face.

You’re not a violent person. And honestly, you could have been expelled for what happens next. But you cast a quick glimpse behind you at Alexander on the ground, and something about the look in his eyes reminds you of that bird you rescued, and a quick and hot anger rises in you.

You punch Andreas.

With no wind-up, no warning, you break his nose, and he drops like a rock, howling and clutching at the blood pouring from his nostrils. A sick little giggle comes out of you as you watch, drowned out by the uproar of your little audience.

“What on earth is going on here?!” You hear a teacher roar, and the crowd quickly begins to scatter. Without hesitation, you pull Alexander up and escape before you can be subjected to the consequences of your actions.

“Boy, am I glad he didn’t put up more of a fight,” you say gleefully, high on adrenaline. “That could have gotten quite ugly.”

“I didn’t know you had that in you,” Alexander says when the two of you have gotten far away enough. The way he looks at you now is a little different—almost reverent.

“I didn’t know either!” you say. “I’ve never done that before!”

“Who knew such a pretty rose had such sharp thorns?” he mumbles to himself. Your eyes zip to him, and even he looks surprised at the words coming out of his mouth.

“A pretty rose?” you tease, nudging him on the arm. He flushes pink and turns away, but there’s a bit of a lopsided half-smile on his lips.

You’re not sure why, but the sight of it makes your skin tingle.

The first few years of high school are relatively uneventful outside of skirmishes with Alexander’s various tormentors. Your biggest regret is that you can’t always be there for him—sometimes you have to spend your free periods catching up on readings or speaking with teachers. But you’re always there for him afterwards, poison in your voice as you hatch plans to make his bullies’ lives miserable. The plans never go anywhere, but thinking about retribution always seems to make him perk up a little. And really, that’s all that matters to you.

It's silly, how long it took you to realize how much of a fixture he was in your life. There’s a street corner a few blocks from the school you always meet him at so the two of you can walk the rest of the way together. The few times you share classes, you’re always sitting together, exchanging notes and quietly judging your classmates together. And you always, always sit with him during lunch. Even when you start making other friends who surely would welcome you at their tables, you always return to the quiet green-eyed boy in the corner.

You tell yourself it’s because he’s lonely, and he needs the company. You tell yourself the rumors about the two of you are silly, the result of bored hormonal teenagers who can’t fathom being a genuine friend to someone of the opposite sex. You tell yourself it means nothing that your face feels warm whenever he smiles at you.

You never get the chance to figure out if it does mean anything. He gives you the bad news on the last day of classes before summer break.

“I…I see,” you say, trying to swallow past the lump in your throat. For once, you’re at a loss of what to say. His fingers twist around each other in his lap, the way they only do when he’s really anxious.

“Well, a fresh start is good, right?” You offer him a smile, but your heart’s not in it. Maybe you haven’t spent as much time with him as you used to back in first year—you’ve started to take more advanced classes, and you’ve been so swamped with homework and projects that sometimes hanging out with Alexander is put on the back burner. But you’d always taken comfort in knowing that he would always be there at mealtime. A steady presence in your life, as everything around you seems to be speeding towards a future you’re not quite ready for yet.

Now he’s leaving. You’d like to think your concern is for him—what’s to say his new school won’t also be rife with harassment? Will he be able to make new friends? Or will he be all alone at the lunch table again? But really, who are you trying to fool? The sudden heaviness in your chest is selfish. What are you going to do without him?

The roaring in your head stills as you feel his hand cover yours. You stare at it dumbly, unable to lift your head and look him in the eyes. Your gut feels like it’s flipping and twisting all over itself.

You lift your eyes to his. For one breathless, indescribable moment, you think he’s going to kiss you. You’re sure he’s going to kiss you. You lean closer to him, and you can feel his breath on your lips.

Your eyes slide shut.

A shout startles your eyes back open, and he jolts away from you. It’s your mother, calling that she’s here to pick you up. You let out a frustrated noise as you call back to her that you’re coming before turning back to him.

The moment is long gone, and your heart twinges with regret as he avoids meeting your gaze. “You’ll write to me, won’t you?” you say softly. “And we can still see each other?”

“Of course I will, rosethorn,” he says, with that shy little smile you love so much.

You don’t see him for another ten years.

I couldn't utter my love when it counted I couldn't whisper when you needed it shouted Ah, but I'm singing like a bird 'bout it now

It’s ironic, really. Saving birds. Saving boys. But the one person you can’t save is yourself.

Your life post-König is like the drop on a roller coaster, but with none of the thrill. High school flies by in a flurry of deadlines and mental breakdowns. It’s worth it when you get into a good university—at least, you thought so. In reality, there’s no work in Austria for someone with your degree. Your parents are older, well on their way towards retirement, so you find yourself unwilling to burden them. You’re lost, stuck, and so very alone.

And then you meet him.

Tall, handsome, a little older, with a blossoming career. In hindsight, how much of a perfect package he presented himself as was the earliest red flag. But when you’re young and behind on rent, anything better than that feels like a miracle.

You know better, really. You knew it the whole time. Getting married after knowing each other for 2 months isn’t as bad as it could be, but it’s still too quick for your comfort. But the eviction notice was on your door, and he was a perfect gentleman. What could go wrong, right?

Everything. He at least has the decency to keep up the façade for another month, but that’s the only credit you’ll ever give the man you’ve shackled yourself to. It becomes increasingly obvious that he only married you to have a live-in maid while he philanders around as he pleases. You try, oh god do you try, for five long, fruitless years. God, it’s so silly when you think about it. You liked him so much, it took you so long to realize he had never liked you in the first place. He’d scooped up the first desperate college grad he’d found, and thinking about it makes you want to hide from everyone you know.

Which you do: hiding from what few friends you do have, hiding from your parents, hiding from the part of your brain that screams that you’re wasting the best years of your life cleaning up after a grown man who won’t even touch you, much less fuck you. Your 20s are for drinking, one-night stands, and figuring out what the fuck the rest of your life is going to look like. There is plenty of drinking, but the rest of it, not so much.

You’re going to divorce him, you tell yourself in year six. Once you get a job, you’re out. But you’re no fresh grad anymore, and the 6-year gap in your resume isn’t helping matters. You spot a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel when he tells you you’re moving: his company is offering him a higher paid position, and it’s in a bustling downtown area. Plenty of opportunity for you, right?

That’s when he starts hitting you.

You’re away from your parents, your friends, your home. You took English classes, but that won’t exactly help you in this equally European foreign country whose language you don’t speak. Now that you’re approaching your 30s, your husband seems to be rapidly realizing that his youth is also disappearing. His new job is more stressful, and most days he has no outlet for it other than taking it out on you.

Now you long for the days when he didn’t come home until you’d already fallen asleep.

And then the terror attacks begin, and your once-bustling city shuts down. More isolation. Even less hope. You stay at home all day, torn between hoping someone will get rid of your husband for you and the abject terror of being left all alone in a foreign country torn apart by violent partisans.

That’s when the despair really sets in: you’ve wasted over a decade in this awful, dead-end relationship. Sure, you’ve got a roof over your head and food in your stomach: you should feel grateful. But you don’t.

You start hoping the attacks will take you out instead.

I fled to the city with so much discounted Ah, but I'm flying like a bird to you now Back to the hedgerows where bodies are mounted

“There are mercenaries in town.”

You look up from your breakfast, lost in thought thinking about all the errands you have to run today. “Yeah?”

“About time we stopped relying on our corrupt fucking military,” he grumbles. “Maybe they’ll end this goddamn conflict once and for all.”

You don’t have much to say about that. What does it matter to you, anyway? The only conflict that matters to you lives at home, and you stopped trying to fight it a long time ago.

“The curfew’s a pain in the ass, though. You behave yourself, you hear me?” His sharp glare reminds you that he’s not saying this out of a concern for your safety: if you make trouble for him, you’ll pay for it later. You nod mutely.

Your morning goes by relatively uneventfully. You do the dishes, stare at the wall, sigh, stare at the wall some more. As much of a prison as this apartment is, you like it decently well when he’s not in it. Going outside and seeing the ravages of war all around you is anxiety-inducing. But you can’t put off buying groceries anymore.

The arrival of the mercenaries makes itself immediately apparent. The streets are somehow even emptier, and what people there are on the streets move quickly and cast suspicious glances at everyone else.

You were hoping not to interact with anybody, but your hopes are dashed when you see a checkpoint ahead, manned by soldiers in unfamiliar uniforms. Although most of them are wearing different gear, they still look more orderly and well-kept than the country’s own military. Murder must pay well.

You look around nervously, but there’s no alternate route here, and nobody local going through with you. You strongly consider going home, but you’d just have to do this all over again tomorrow.

You steel yourself with a deep breath.

“Identification?”

You show the mercenary your ID with trembling fingers, gripping your bag tightly and praying he doesn’t find your nervousness suspicious.

“Where are you headed?”

“Just—just down the street,” you say, wincing at your heavy German accent. Years upon years of living here and you still sound like a foreigner. “Getting food.” You’re so anxious you forget the word for “groceries” for a moment. You only know enough of the local language to get by, and you’re sure you must sound like a kindergartener.

The soldier raises an eyebrow at you. “You are German?”

“I…Austrian,” you answer hesitantly. Oh God, you hope there’s no issue with that. You’re not so much afraid of being detained as you are of getting home too late to make dinner.

“Interesting.” The soldier hands back your ID. “Our commander is Austrian, as well.”

You perk up a little bit at that. You’ve met a handful of German-speakers here, but not a single one of your countrymen.

Well. Aside from the one who came here with you.

“He should actually be arriving here any moment now. Big guy in a hood. You can’t miss him. They call him König.” As if on cue, a military grade vehicle pulls up to the checkpoint, military personnel stepping out. And then…

Your blood runs cold.

Nothing, nothing could have prepared you for the sight of the beast that steps out of the car. Even from a short distance, you can tell he’s a colossal size. Two metres tall, easily, wearing a dark hood that reminds you of a medieval executioner. And as if that weren’t intimidating enough, two red trails, like bloody tears, are bleached under his eyes. His eyes, which must have some sort of black paint around them, giving him the impression of being two eyes staring out at you from the pitch blackness of the hood.

Two piercing green eyes.

Trained directly on your face.

Staring in disbelief.

“I…need to return home. I’ve forgotten something.” All worries about appearing suspicious fly out the window as the enormous man in the hood hesitates for a moment before making his way towards you with alarming speed.

You all but fly back down the street, making a beeline for your building. Just a few moments ago, you were excited to meet the man. Now, the image of his eyes staring into yours fills you with a fear you can’t describe.

The next day you take a long detour to avoid the checkpoint. It’ll take you twice as long to get home this time, but it’s worth it. You can’t put the shopping off another day: the brand-new bruise on your arm throbs as a reminder. And you certainly don’t want to run into the hooded soldier again.

You get your shopping done without much fanfare. The old lady cashier, who usually looks at you from over her glasses with the stern look you’ve seen a lot of people around here level at foreigners, even pressed a piece of candy from behind the register into your hand. You’re pretty sure it’s just because she wanted to get rid of it, but it does wonders for your mood.

You’re busy plotting when to enjoy your little treat when you turn a corner and freeze.

He’s here. He’s there, standing in an alleyway near your building. Somehow even larger than you remember him yesterday, still wearing that awful hood.

Does he know where you live? You curse yourself for running straight home yesterday. He must have seen the direction you went in—or did he follow you? You attempt to quietly retreat and take another route home, but your shoe scuffs a paving stone. And like a hawk spotting its prey, his head darts towards you.

You book it.

“Wait!” calls a deep voice. Tears spring to your eyes as you hear heavy footsteps pursuing you. What have you done to deserve this? You’re no criminal. Your only crime is being a naïve dumbass in your twenties.

Your arm burns as you turn corner after corner, not bothering to take note of where you’re going. It’s no use, though: you can hear him gaining on you. Fuck, is this it? You can’t even fathom what he wants you for, and you don’t want to think about it either—

“Rosethorn!” You come to a screeching halt.

There’s only one person who has ever called you that.

You turn around, chest heaving with exertion, as the hooded soldier—König, the soldier said his name was—comes into view, approaching you slowly.

“It’s me,” he says, holding his hands out like he’s approaching a wounded animal. You’re not really sure what the point is, considering the gigantic knife he’s got strapped to his thigh is intimidating all on its own, but somehow it still puts you at ease.

“Alex...?” you whisper, hardly daring to believe it.

“Yes,” he says. His posture has changed from when you saw him at the checkpoint. He’s hunching over, trying to make himself smaller. It reminds you of that first day when you sat next to him at lunch.

It’s him.

You instantly drop all your bags and cling to him in a hug, tears spilling from your eyes. He’s so different: most obviously, he's so tall. He must have hit some growth spurt after he moved away, because he towers over you now. You can feel under all the gear that he’s put on serious muscle—not surprising for a soldier, of course. And when his arms fold themselves over you, you’re filled with a sense of safety you haven’t felt in a long time.

“What are you doing here?” you both ask at the same time. A giggle bubbles out of you as you watch his eyes crinkle in an obvious smile. God, his eyes are so green.

“I’m stationed here because of the conflict,” he says. “But what are you doing here? I contacted your parents, and they said you had moved here, but they didn’t say why.”

You’re not surprised. You’re still in contact with your parents, but you don’t talk about the elephant in your home. You know they would have helped you, if only you had asked for it, but you never have.

“I…it’s complicated,” you say, withdrawing from the hug. You stare at the ground, brushing away the wetness in your eyes.

“I have nothing urgent right now,” he says, staring at you intently.

You swallow past the lump in your throat. “I…got married,” you whisper.

Instantly, his body language changes, stiffening in shock. He takes a half-step away from you, which makes you want to cry all over again. This is awful. This is humiliating. You wish you could go back in time and shake some sense into yourself.

“I see,” he says in a strangled voice. “Congratulations.”

Despite your best efforts, the tears spill over again. “No, not congratulations,” you say. “It—”

It was the worst mistake of your life, you want to say, but you just can’t get the words out. He must notice you beginning to quake with fear, because he raises a hand to touch you gently on the arm—right on the bruise.

His stare hardens as he watches you flinch. “Rosethorn, what’s the matter?”

Everything, you want to say. I’m standing in an alleyway with my childhood crush, shaking like a leaf because a monster lives in my house, and I can’t get away from him.

With a feather-like touch surprising for a man with such large hands—he grew so much— he goes to push up your sleeve. You catch a glimpse of the bruise before you have to turn away again, shuddering. It’s ugly: black and green, and very clearly shaped like a human grip.

“I…bumped into a shelf,” you say lamely. You can’t bring yourself to rope him into your troubles. He’s a soldier now, for Pete’s sake. He has bigger problems.

You can’t read his expression due to the hood—but there’s a blazing anger in his eyes you remember all too well. The quiet fury you often saw in him so many years ago.

He must see in your expression that you don’t want to be questioned about it right now, and thankfully, he relents. With an ease in his movement that must stem from some newfound confidence, he reaches over and picks up your bags for you. “Let me carry these for you.”

It’s nice, to be taken care of for once.

Your mad dash took both of you quite far away from your building, so you have enough time for quite a nice little chat. You tell him about your time in university, he tells you what happened to him after he moved away. He’d jumped at the chance to enlist as soon as he turned 17, on the recommendation of an uncle who had spent time in the military. You laugh when he tells you that they wouldn’t let him be a sniper, a pout in his tone. You could have imagined him as a sniper back in high school, but he’s so large now it’s impossible not to notice him.

“The discipline was good for me,” he recounts. “I needed to grow a spine.”

“Don’t say that. You were just trying to get by in school, like everybody else.”

He shrugs. “I wanted to be like you.”

“Like me?” You ask incredulously.

“My rose with thorns,” he says, with a fondness that makes you blush. “Do you remember that day you punched that punk Andreas?”

“How could I forget? My fist hurt for days,” you say with a grin. “But I didn’t regret it for a second.”

He looks down at you—that’s new—with pride in his eyes. “I thought about you that day all throughout training,” he says. “You were my guardian angel.”

Your cheeks grow even warmer, and you feel like a teenager again. How can he still make you feel this way so easily after all this time? “He had a punchable face,” you say dismissively. “If not me, then it would have been someone else.”

You’re almost disappointed to arrive home. Only yesterday, home was your sanctuary. Now, it means being separated from the one person you trust fully in this country. You turn to him, almost bashful. “This is where I live."

He sets the bags down like they’re made of fine china, and he’s standing so close you almost stop breathing. The air is charged, the same way it felt that night when you almost kissed. You watch him as he watches you.

“Can I see you again?” he asks, breaking the silence.

“Of course,” you say, and the sparkle in his eye dazzles you.

You watch him leave until you can’t see him anymore. And for once, you enter your home with a light heart.

Remember me, love When I'm reborn As the shrike to your sharp And glorious thorn

if you'd like to be added to the taglist, just drop a reply! feedback is always appreciated, and my inbox is open, so please feel free to drop me an ask! I will 100% write little scenarios/headcanons about this couple because I have so many thoughts and ideas for them lol

I anticipate about 2-3 parts for this, maybe with König pov in the next part? he doesn't come across this way in this part, because it's from Thorn's perspective, but he is a very nasty boy indeed. also, I know putting lyrics in the middle of a fic is so passé, but I can't help myself. it's hozier! indulge me. also this isn't beta read so I really hope it doesn't suck

#bucca writes #könig #könig x reader #könig cod #könig mw2 #call of duty #cod mw2 #cod x reader #cod #mw2 #konig #konig cod #konig x reader #fic:shrike

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taystarotoverload · 10 months

Text

WHO is your Future Spouse?

‼️WARNING‼️: some 18+ & looooottttssss of detail 😮‍💨

☆ this is JUST a general reading so take what resonates leave what doesn’t. we’re going to be diving into 9 different topics about details on who your future spouse is, and some extra little goodies at the end😉

☆ how to PICK A PILE: Breathe in deeply for 3 and out for 5. Meditate on each picture continuing this manual breathing. Ask spirit out loud or in your head “who is my future spouse” and meditate on it. You’ll hear a number or see a number pop into your head, or maybe you’ll feel drawn to a certain pile. whatever works for you go for it! if you’re new to pick a piles this may be difficult at first, but as you read and watch them more and more the process becomes much easier! 😊

☆ DECKS USED:

Tarot:

A.E. Waite Tarot (pile 1) Cat Tarot (pile 2) Wild Unknown (pile 3)

Oracle:

Fairy Wisdom Oracle, Wild Mystic, Romance Angels

☆ lastly thank you thank you to my guides and your guides for offering me and providing me the energy, knowledge, and guidance to do this reading. 🤍

PILE 1

your energy check in:

these are clarifying cards for you and your currently energy, this helps me connect to you further and also makes sure this reading is right for you! <3

the fool - the world - ace of wands - page of swords

so what i’m seeing is you’re 100% a leader. you also love going out, you love the outdoors, you love nature and seeing life for what it’s truly about. i see you’re somebody who doesn’t let the hardships of life run you down and ruin you. i see you’re somebody who is a go getter and isn’t afraid to be adventurous and courageous and step out of their comfort zone. you like being the person you are and you’re not going to let anyone stop you. i’m also seeing that right now you’re in a transition. your life is transforming alot right now, you might be given many job opportunities or travel opportunities and you’re just thinking “wow when did i get so lucky?” lol i’m also seeing that you ?recently? just got out of a really rocky situation or part of your life and this is why your energy is so bright and vibrant. i’m viewing you as the sun pile 1 you seem very extroverted at times. again with the leadership this is what is leading you towards these amazing opportunities. you’re a big helping hand to others and people appreciate you greatly.

oracle: Magic Frog

so even though pile 1 you seem very bright and good energy, you have a bad problem overworking yourself and giving yourself a hard time. i’m seeing that when it comes to your work and the time you spend creating these ideas and being a leader you never seem to put in time for yourself. it’s always “i need to do this i need to do that” spirit is asking you to just chill. that’s a cool way of putting it but relaxing is good for you. especially for right now i’m seeing you just need a nice hot bath, some oils, some wine (if you’re of age😉) and some slow gentle music. don’t be afraid to have fun and have a good time! you don’t have to live in an endless boring cycle where you feel like you’re going nowhere in life, because the universe has so much to offer!

other messages: childlike, green eyes, brown hair, olive skin, pisces, leo, taurus, aquarius, scorpio, white cloth, yellow, sun, golden retriever

Their Energy:

2 of swords - 5 of pentacles - the empress - page of pentacles

so basically this is very much opposite energy here lol. i’m seeing for you pile 1 your future spouse has been through a LOT. they have faced many battles and challenges physically and mentally. in the physical world i’m seeing that they have been perhaps stabbed in the back by people closest to them. or they were manipulated in some way? something to do with friendships here but im seeing that they are someone who has been through a lot. and they’re currently going through their own battles right now but it’s starting to cool down. they may be somebody you’d associate with the rain?? only cause i keep seeing like grey rain clouds and then like the calm after the storm type of thing. your future spouses energy is very introverted which is definitely opposite to yours, because even if you pile 1 are introverted they take the crown lol. they are somebody who doesn’t open up to people quickly and is very very protective of their energy. but do not be mistake because they aren’t weak in any way. they are very strong person. they don’t need your protection or others they know how to protect themselves when needed. they may be a little bit hard headed but it’s not big deal lol… i’m seeing that they are working towards a better future for themselves. they don’t want to stay stuck dwelling on the past but they can’t seem to help it sometimes. they are in dire need of shadow work lol. also off topic but y’all have similar energy in some ways. they’re a very creative person aswell and i was just getting that you could meet them through creative projects.. perhaps through work or some sort of activity. i’m also getting that their energy seems very feminine??? but take what resonated obvi!!

oracle: bubble rider

this is just confirming what i said previously. spirit wants to give your person a helping hand and a push of wisdom. they need to start thinking about themselves in the moment because they’re so worried and fixated on other people that they don’t make time for themselves!!! this is something that they really really need to work on and work through because life is going to throw challenges at them and they’re going to have to learn from it. the picture illustrates a girl looking defeated on a bubble and seems to be curled up towards herself. and this is your future spouse's energy. they need to just open up and be apart of the moment be apart of the world. they need to not be afraid of a little bit of challenge in their life because they will come out stronger.

other messages: feminine, wounded, trauma, fake friends, badass, blonde, curves, aries

your fav things abt your fs:

3 of cups: they are somebody who seems to love close relationships with friends and family. they cherish those close connections. i think when they become comfortable with you they open up a side of them you didn’t know existed. they are honestly a totally different person behind closed doors and it’s something you admire. especially how they treat their family and friends you’re just like ‘where have you been all my life?????’

6 of wands: even though your fs isn’t somebody who is really out there and super extroverted they have these really amazing creative ideas and projects that they bring into light and offer to whatever work they’re putting in. and im seeing that people around them are extremely grateful towards them for it because it offers a lot of things and opportunities for others and also benefits the project. this is something that you admire about them is that they’re just extremely intelligent in what they do.

the lovers: i’m seeing this person has a really good balance between feminine and masculine? like it's honestly pretty attractive to you because you’re like “wow i didn’t know it did that” type of energy haha

10 of cups: they’re very grateful for what people give to them and how they receive things. they aren’t somebody who is stuck up, and is childish in things that they want. i’m seeing that especially when it comes to you they’re very protective towards your emotions and feelings because they cherish you greatly. i see that this relationship will be very new to them or it will be different from what they’ve had in the past.

king of cups: wow okay they’re big on protecting. i'm not seeing overprotective but i’m just seeing that they’re very careful with you. like you’re very precious to them and they just never want to hurt you in any way. very black cat energy if i’m being totally honest haha

their fav things abt you:

knight of swords: so like i said earlier you’re go getters if you want something you’re going to get it and there is no stopping you. i’m seeing that you can be assertive and very blunt and they really like that about you. they really like that you don’t give up easily and can stick up for yourself.

7 of wands: again with the assertiveness. your leadership really shows up when it’s needed and you aren’t afraid of change and making change. you’re somebody who likes to bring facts to the table and defend yourself and what you believe in because to you, that’s what is right. your fs really does admire this about you, and it might influence them a little bit to be as strong and confident as you are. i’m seeing that you might be somebody who is big in being an activist and you really like change. maybe in the work place, your daily life, or just the world. it’s something that you strive to do.

ace of swords: when you are given an opportunity you will take it, but not before you sit and think about it. you aren’t the type to just go into an idea blind, you sit and analyze the outcome to things (this is where overworking could come into the picture) and your future spouse again is influenced by this and intrigued and it’s something they admire about you because in their eyes you’re strong.

ace of cups: you are somebody who is able to express lots of self love and practices self love. this is something you and your future spouse might even do together is practice self love. because again you don’t let the hardships of life run you over and ruin you, you get up and live.

the chariot: you’re probably a very spiritual person and if not spiritual it is something intrigues you. and this goes for any religion but it is something that you defend but also aren’t afraid to express and acknowledge. i think your future spouse could find this to be very educational and often asks you about and it’s something that you’re very willing to sit down and talk about. your interests are always extremely interesting to your fs.

their personality:

2 of wands - page of swords - queen of swords - 5 of cups - 3 of cups - 10 of cups

i’m just getting that this person has alot of love to give. like a lot. they might be really romantic or cheesy at times….?? so they are somebody who can very passionate about their interest and would want to tell you all about it. if they have a creative idea they want to be able to fulfill this desire and treat it in any way. i’m seeing that they’re not so much of a go getter like you, but they aren’t afraid to take action towards the things they want. i am seeing though that they don’t open up well and again are very protective of their energy’s. they aren’t quick to tell you what’s wrong with them and it may have to be something you ‘force’ out of them. sometimes they bottle up their feelings wayyyy too much you have to kind of show them the brighter side of things. i do see that they may struggle with mental health issues and this negatively effects them but it isn’t something that effects the relationship. they don’t let their mental health get in the way of the relationship, which is probably why you will probably have to poke them a little bit to hear what’s the matter lol. I really do feel like their weak spot IS family and friends though. this is probably the biggest influence to what they’ve dealt with in the past and so i’m seeing that close family and friends are deeply cherished and respected. they’re somebody who can have a very cheerful and bright attitude around people they’re closest to. it’s a side that you do really like to see because they’re the type to put on a mask in public ykwim?? they’re very good at hiding that side of them.

how they will make you feel:

5 of pentacles - 8 of wands - the lovers - knight of swords - 3 of pentacles

so what i’m getting is that you may feel very confused at times on how your fs feels. i’m seeing this is because they don’t open up, but since you’re very unaware of it you can feel very left in the dark. i’m seeing they don’t intend to do this and you may ask them “did i do something wrong?” it honestly like breaks their heart lol. this is something that they definitely would need to work on. however they’re easily able to redeem themselves. i’m seeing here that they can be very busy but they’re able to make time for you. when they say something they mean it, so if you guys have a planned date and something comes up they are not rescheduling it. they are doing it that day lol. also i’m seeing that they seem to be more of a listener than a talker and this makes you feel very heard. you may be more of a talker and so you think “oh my god i’m talking their ear off” but they love hearing what you have to say. i’m also seeing that they’re very very protective of you. and this makes you feel very grounded and nurtured. maybe you haven’t felt this way in the past and this person just brings you lots of comfort and joy. they also make you feel confident asfffff. i’m seeing at times you can be very insecure and when you express this to them they’re like “excuse me???” because in their eyes you’re the most perfect human being they’ve ever laid their eyes on. this could also be from them being a romantic they show you how beautiful you are to them… iykwim.

their looks:

the hermit - 10 of swords - the hierophant - 7 of cups - 8 of cups - the tower

so immediately i thought abt their eyes. they might have very sleepy looking eyes or they might look “dead”. their eye color too might be a dark dark brown color. i’m seeing that they could have king eyelashes. their eyes are very prominent. i’m seeing that they could bleach their hair? maybe they have naturally dark hair but they bleach it to be white or blonde. im seeing that their hair could be mid length or could be slightly long. guys could be a bit on the longer side and girls could be a little bit shorter. nothing too short or too long. i’m seeing that they might have very very pale skin… like ghost white. 😭 i’m not seeing dark skin. i am seeing them being fairly short. they’re def shorter than you lol. this person skin is also so??? they for sure have a skincare routine. they have this thing where they have to look good. i’m seeing their style might be a bit edgy but it’s a very unique style. they’re not very alternative or gothic just sort of edgy, but they put together their outfits well. i’m seeing they like to at least look nice wherever they’re going they don’t look ‘musty’ or like they don’t shower. they might be the total opposite of you tbh??? like this is a person people are quick to make assumptions about. and you’re sooooo quick to defend them lol. i’m seeing them as very skinny too. i don’t see them working out so much so they could very skinny and scrawny lol. they’re definitely someone people look at, some people find them to be attractive and some seem to assume a lot about them. but at the end of the day you know them for how they truly are. your fav thing abt them is their eyes tho like it won’t leave my head. tbh they’re kind of intimidating to people.

their love language:

the lovers - wheel of fortune - the empress - 8 of swords - the tower - death

your fs might be a bit of gift giver. they like showering you with gifts. they think about you 24/7 and they want you to know that. i do see acts of service being a big one too. they love helping you, they love being there for you. but pile 1 you are a very independent pile. i’m seeing this might be very annoying to you at times cause you’re like “i got it it’s fine” and your fs is like “no no let me help” this might be something you have to tell them annoys you or makes you feel a bit incompetent BECAUSE you feel like you’re being babied or it comes off as them thinking you can’t do it yourself. which is definitely NOT what their intentions are at all. im seeing words of affirmation being another one too; they love giving you compliments they love making you feel better. they are your shoulder to cry on whenever you need it. they just want to be there for you 24/7 365. they’re so down bad it’s making me sick lol

how they will comfort you:

the hermit - 7 of pentacles - 6 of swords - 8 of wands

i’m seeing that whenever you’re going through something in your life mentally you aren’t the type to seek out help so much. and your future spouse understands this and is very patient with you. also when you’re sick too?? i’m seeing you might be a bit of a crybaby when you’re sick lol and it doesn’t bother your future spouse because all they want to do is protect you. i’m seeing that if you were struggling mentally they wouldn’t bother you with questions but they’d let you know they’re there whenever you need them. they understand more than anyone how it feels, so you can go to them and they will listen. they are honestly an amazing listener. they are really good at giving you guidance and offering you good advice when you need it. i’m seeing they’re the type of person who likes to be very factual and blunt without hurting your feelings, and it’s something that does help you grow and learn especially in the relationship.

First Times:

First Meet: 7 of pentacles - Strength

so the setting is outdoorsy?? i’m seeing something again with work and an activity and i’m seeing that your fs may already work there and this is a transition from your old work to working there. i’m seeing that the energy is very tense with this person. i don’t see you two meeting each other immediately i think it’d be one of those you see then from across the room??? you’d make the first move im seeing lol. i’m also seeing that you immediately find them so incredibly attractive and may ask around about them and to them you don’t catch their eye as much. they could be single when you first meet though but they aren’t really thinking about a relationship.

First Date: 8 of wands - 8 of swords

so i’m ngl i’m getting such awkward energy hahaha i’m seeing that you’re going to feel very excited but also very anxious. this date may be all your idea and so you’re trying your best to woo them lol. i’m seeing also that your person might come off as uninterested at first but believe me they’re just as nervous as you are. i’m seeing they’re trying to impress you as best they can but they’re so awkward lol you’re going to find it very cute. i’m seeing that this date will be very intimate but it will be in a social setting. so i’m seeing that a nice little restaurant. i’m also seeing this could be a thing you guys do at the end of the day?? tbh something you’d see on tv. so a little cliche but also very very romantic. also i’m just seeing so many smiles and love eyes???? y’all are cheesy stop it

First Kiss: Ace of cups - 3 of pentacles

this is so funny to me because both of y’all will initiate the kiss. yk how and please try to understand this, you know how sometimes with first kisses one person initiates the kiss and it’s either a hit or miss. you and your fs will be so down bad that y’all will just feel the energy. like good lord just make out already pls i can’t take this tension. i’m seeing that one of you will start to lean in and the other person is like “hell yea” and they lean in too. like y’all can read each others minds istg y’all are so in tune with each other. your first kiss can be when y’all are alone together?? maybe when yall are having a deep conversation and you guys just bond over something. y’all are so in love at this moment i’m just… wow.

their shadow side:

page of cups - 6 of wands - page of pentacles - 2 of wands - 3 of cups - king of pentacles - knight of pentacles - 9 of swords

i’m seeing that this person can be very selfish. i’m only seeing that this selfish side comes out during conflict. i’m seeing they can be a major know it all about things and can be very “i’m right youre wrong” they can be very childish in the way they think and can be very hard headed. i’m seeing that they have this energy especially when they’re stressed out too, that you really can’t get them to stop thinking like this unless you really humble them. i’m seeing when they’re angry it’s just them acting very childish and very selfish and this can be something that you talk to them about. they’re not necessarily like it towards you but they can definitely be that way towards other people. im seeing they can very childish in what they say if they get into an argument with you, but it’s one of those things where you talk to them like an adult and it snaps them back to reality. they definitely need a reality check from time to time ngl…

Extra Messages!!:

Shaman: keyword: Teacher

trust in divine timing. trust that things are working out towards you and your future spouse. don’t try to rush things, and definitely don’t try to undermine any of spirits work. the universe is working in your favor, so remember to thank the universe everyday. you and your future spouse will be able to heal each others energy and heal that inner child. don’t lose this once in a lifetime connection.

Memory: your past life may be very battled and torn. try to reconcile with your past self and find what parts of you do really need the healing. don’t be afraid of feeling those emotions you buried deep down, they are meant to find you in this lifetime.

Very Soon: You may meet this person very soon or in a matter of a few months. don’t rush this connection. this person will make their way to you when you BOTH are ready. disappointment will only lead you to failure, be grateful for what the universe has to offer you.

what chakra is their weakest: Heart Chakra

what chakra is their strongest: solar plexus chakra

extra key: earth sign, lilac, quartz, past life regression, outside activity, gold, aventurine, yellow jade, yes, african american, you already know them, white, black, foreign, green eyes, 1111, 5555, 9999, street style

your song: let the light in - lana del rey

thank you so so much for allowing me to give you this read and offer guidance on your future spouse! i hope this reading brought you some clarity and opened your eyes about this person. good luck on your journey with love and please like + repost !! <3 feedback is greatly appreciated 🤍

PILE 2

your energy check in:

these are clarifying cards for you and your current energy, this helps me connect to you further and also makes sure this reading is right for you! <3

knight of pentacles - queen of swords - king of cups - the sun

i’m getting that you are a very mature pile. i’m seeing that you’re very intelligent as well. in school you may be honor roll or have been offered many scholarships. i’m seeing that you have a lot of emotional stability. you’re very wise in how you talk to others and people often find themselves coming to you for advice. i’m seeing you may be a bit of a therapist haha i’m also seeing that you could be very wealthy or come from a wealthy family?? or you are just really good with money?? some of you want to be a lawyer…? you’re such a balanced calm energy pile 2 i feel so safe in your presence. you could be very attractive too?? like i see a lot of people have their eyes on you. you’re not afraid of expressing your boundaries to people as well, and i see you’re very careful with who you consider close friends. you have a very positive outlook on life. you’re very good at manifesting too.

oracle: too many dragons

you may have been drawn to pile 1. i see you are a very hardworking pile. you are somebody who is constantly busy constantly doing something. i see that you live off a routine and a schedule, and you’re the type to not be so big with change and getting out of routine. i think this can often scare you and stress you out. don’t be afraid of a little change once in a while. change is good! spirit wants you to be able to express sides of yourself without fear and without embarrassment and disappointment. it’s okay to be a little silly at times, you don’t always need to be serious.

other messages: leo, dark hair, brown hair; freckles, sharp brows, curly hair, tanned skin, dark skin, long fingers, muscles, working out, 1212

their energy:

ace of swords - five of wands - seven of pentacles - the sun

i’m seeing that you and your future spouse are honestly very similar in ways. i’m seeing that’s how you two really bond and connect is because you both have shared interests and can connect on things like that together. i’m seeing your fs can be a little… sassy. they have a little bit of an attitude to them and tend to get into conflict easily. i’m seeing that you might actually really like this about them because you find it cute. it’s just small things they do. they may make sassy remarks that makes you turn your head like “what did you just say?” this person also might be opposite to you when it comes to money. i see they may like a little bit of a shopping spree… and aren’t so good at saving money like you. this is something that you could easily teach them and help them work out. i’m also seeing that your future spouse could be very spiritual. i’m seeing they could be into tarot and astrology and if not that they are big on religion. this could be something you two bond over as well.

oracle: when fairies go bad

i’m seeing that your future spouse is somebody who hides alot of things. this might be a bit of a shock when they mention something that has negatively affected them in the past. they’re somebody who can put up a front and seem like they’re absolutely perfect and then they open up to you and you’re like “i would’ve never expected this” and this is exactly their goal they hate when people try to read them. i’m seeing that they are very protective over themselves and their energy and so theyre not exactly willing to open up completely. this is something they need to work on and control because keeping secrets and hiding things especially from you could cause conflict and issues in the future. even if they have no bad intentions.

other messages: leo, earth sign, green eyes, dark skin, white teeth, vampire fangs???, childlike

your fav things abt your fs:

the fool: your future spouse is able to get up and have fun. it’s never a dull moment with them because they’re just full of so much energy and they’re able to have fun wherever they are. if you have an idea or want to go out with them they are more than willing to do it. i see that they love adventures and love seeing what the world has to offer them. they may be really connected with nature.

temperance: again what i was saying earlier i’m seeing that your person could be very spiritual or very religious in some way. i see they love to talk about their beliefs and offer guidance, and they’re not annoying about it at all. but when you ask them questions about it, they become very passionate and go on little rants and tangents lol. i’m seeing that to you this offers you lots of wisdom and knowledges you in many ways because you see the world differently in their eyes. they may be a pisces?? or have pisces in their chart.

eight of wands: i’m seeing that your person is very extroverted and very social. i’m seeing that they have alot of friends and this is because they’re able to bond with a lot of people and this is how they keep friendships. they’re really good at carrying conversations and even starting them. they aren’t afraid to take the lead in things. you are often wowed by how well they’re able to connect with complete strangers, and this is just like mind blowing to you. i see you may be a bit of an ambivert (some of you) so this person takes the lead in some convos. sometimes you can’t even get a word in! lol

the star: your person is so so so confident and comfortable in their own skin. the card illustrates a cat knocking over a glass full of water, and this to me resembles how they just don’t let stuff get in their way. they don’t let the bad parts of the world negatively affect their way of living. they take this as a way of growth and they take this as a challenge. they love the feeling of adrenaline they get when they do something. but you will admire how this person carries themselves. because they have no care in the world. they put themselves first because they know that the world will never stop for them. this person is just wow their energy is so healing and so balanced. they’re literally the definition of the sun.

the tower: this is just continuing from what i was saying previously. change is possible. to you, you need to follow a routine and if something changes it may feel like the end of the world to you. but to them. they love change. they admire change. change is what keeps them going. they like to live on the wild side a bit, they like to step out of their comfort zone, they’re the type to say yolo (😭) they aren’t afraid to be a little dangerous because they find routines and schedules to be boring. they honestly might have gotten into trouble at school sometimes??? just got that little message there haha

their fav things abt you:

(i wasn’t going to do it but y’all got an extra card lol)

four of cups: your person honestly loves that you have a routine and a schedule you follow. to them it makes you seem very intelligent and mature. they also like the differing aspects of you hating change and them loving it because… they want to spice up your life a bit. you might be very bored in life when you meet this person that you step out of your own comfort zone and let them lead the way. they want to show you the world in a totally different perspective.

six of swords: you’re somebody who isn’t afraid to show your sensitive side and be emotional. since you are very comfortable with yourself and aren’t afraid to open up. this person isn’t so comfortable with showing their vulnerable side because they like to put up a front at times, but you don’t. you don’t people judge you for how you’re feeling because they’re feelings. they really like when they see all these sides of you because it reminds them of how human you are.

ten of pentacles: like i said previously some of you may be very wealthy and some of this could be inherited from your family. and if you aren’t wealthy i am seeing for a lot of you, you’re good with saving money and spending money correctly. im seeing that your fs really loves how well you take care of your money and don’t spend it all in one go (unlike them…😬) i’m seeing that you’re also very humble and not cocky at all. especially with how some of you may be very wealthy or just because you can take care of your money well, they like how you don’t shove it down people’s throats. you’re a very humble person.

ace of wands: i’m seeing you coming home to your spouse and just telling them about your day and all of these ideas and opportunities you were given and you telling them your input that you thought about and at the end of it they’re just jaw dropped. like you’re so intelligent in their eyes because you see the world in such a unique way. they would have never thought of it like that, iykwim.

knight of cups: you’re literally their ideal type. you’re everything they’ve ever wished for and more. i’m seeing that when you come into their life they’re just astounded on how somebody like you actually exists. like in their mind they manifested you cause there’s no way lol. i’m seeing that you’re just somebody they’ve always wanted and so some of you they may be lowkey obsessed cause they don’t want to lose you, but others of you they’re just so madly in love haha

the chariot: i’m seeing that you’re somebody who likes to move fast. you don’t stop for anybody, and this is one of the many things that you and your spouse relate to is you both just keep on moving. this is often because of your routine that life just begins to be one endless cycle so obviously the world moves a lot quicker, but either way you don’t slow down you like that when an idea or opportunity happens you take it.

their personality:

the lovers - queen of swords - king of cups - eight of swords - five of pentacles - four of cups - page of wands

they are big on standing up for themselves and others. they are the type of person who isn’t afraid to say anything, which is why they tend to get into a lot of conflict. i’m seeing that this person tends to be loud and isn’t the type to secretly talk crap abt somebody behind their back. they say it to their face. your spouse is confrontational fs. but they do this for the ones they love. it isn’t attention seeking or trying to be center of attention, it’s them protecting their loved ones from any evil energy’s. they hear one bad thing about you and they’re either trying to find out every little detail abt this person to ruin their life or they’re face to face abt to fight. they’re not intimidating but you really don’t want to get on their bad side lol. they also can have such a soft side to them. besides the extroverted behavior they are capable of relaxing and really listening into others feelings and energy. it might come as a surprise but they have a lot of wisdom of their own to share. they again aren’t big on opening up and tend to hide their feelings from you and others, they hate being perceived as weak. they are very adventurous and very impulsive at times, but they know how to have fun.

how they will make you feel:

knight of pentacles - the hierophant - ten of swords - four of pentacles - the hanged man

i see that you may often be discredited for your work and can feel very unheard and unseen by people around you. i see that your ideas are often extremely important and extremely helpful to your community but it’s seen by jealous eyes. this is why your work is pushed down. your spouse is so supportive in everything you do. i see that they will listen to every.single.idea. you have. i see that they will make you feel very heard and seen, and at some point their opinion is the only one you care about. they will make you feel secure and understood, i’m seeing that they are one to validate your feelings. they don’t ever want to make you feel invalidated and often try to understand every side to an argument. i’m seeing that they are somebody who will definitely make you surrender these dark thoughts and trade them into more hopeful feelings. i’m seeing that they might even offer you shadow work ideas… they will bring you lots of faith and i see this will benefit you greatly.

their looks:

the hermit - the fool - death - five of swords - queen of pentacles - nine of swords

so i’m seeing dark skin and hair. somebody who may have hair that is pretty short. so maybe girls are short guys are a bit long but both prefer their hair shorter. some of you they may like to dye it a dark color. mostly seeing dark brown. i’m seeing they have a very innocent look to them, they look very youthful? they may be younger than you or they just take really good care of their skin and their body. again i was seeing they like to work out and may have some muscles to them. sleeper build?? i don’t see their style being very edgy, unlike pile 1 they’re very into brighter colors. and even then they might like very toned colors. especially colors that compliment their skin and hair. i’m seeing that they may have a bit of an rbf. suuupperrr strong aura people are attracted to this person because of their aura. i’m seeing that they may also look confused all the time (???) like the lights are on but nobody’s home haha. i’m also seeing that they could have a large nose or their nose is very prominent? nice smile. good cheekbones too. i’m seeing that they could be fairly feminine or they are more comfortable in their feminine side. i’m seeing that they’re short asf tho definitely shorter than you. actually some of you might be the same height…. they will never be taller than you that’s for sure. so either same height - shorter. their neck???? something abt their neck you really like i- idk. some of you really like their legs too, they don’t skip leg day. could have a noticeable scar somewhere??? on the face or arms… they look so innocent and cute to people but then they open their mouth and people are wishing they never thought that lol you love your fs though this doesn’t bother you ahsha could also be younger than you. pouty lips too? their chin might be a bit prominent aswell. slim face.

their love language:

the tower - four of wands - queen of cups - 2 of wands - ten of swords

physical touch 110% this person love love loves touching you. hugging you, kissing you, etc they have to have their hands on you 24/7. they try not to be annoying but they can’t help it they’re so down bad for you. i’m ngl i’m seeing ‘that one couple in line at the fair’ iykyk … they love physical touch im seeing them wrapping their arms around you when you’re doing something. some of you they hold onto your waist when out in public, they let people know you’re taken that’s for sure. words of affirmation. this is especially seen when they notice you’re stressed or something is bothering you, they shower you with affirmations to make you feel better. they try to cheer you up by making you laugh… some of you this will not work but i’m seeing that they try anyways haha. theyre very into flirting with you too, i see any chance they get they flirt with you. they like to make you flustered in public. i’m seeing they whisper things into your ear when you’re out and it catches you off guard, they like to see you looking red in the face or shocked because it makes them want to do it more lol.

how they will comfort you:

five of wands - 2 of cups - queen of pentacles - six of cups

again with the words of affirmation, i’m seeing that you can overthink really badly over things and can feel very overwhelmed and your fs will do everything in their power to cheer you up. they love to tell you everything they love about you, everything they cherish about you etc. i’m seeing that literally NEVER want to see you get hurt. in their eyes you’re the most precious thing to them, and if anything were to happen to you they will feel like it’s the end of the world. like you stub your toe or something and suddenly they’re carrying you to bed, making your favorite dinner, etc. like they’re so down bad this is sickening. lol. i’m also seeing that they are very blunt to you about things, they let you know if you’re in the wrong abt something, they might be a tough love type of person. they want to make you feel secure and keep that positive mindset but they also don’t want you to get too in your head about things. i’m seeing that you will feel so much better after you rant to them about something because they’re just so good at correlating their words.

First times:

First Meet: Ace of swords - the high priestess

so i feel like most of pile 2 might meet their fs online. on a dating app or some type of social media. it could be you who finds them first, or them who finds you first idk. but i am seeing that you guys will immediately hit it off. like the energy is very calm and relaxed. this brings me back to saying y’all have shared interests because you definitely do. and you two will probably bond really quickly like “oh you look this too? let’s meet up rn” like LMAO y’all are just both certain this is the right person for you. i see you both will be laughing a lot when you meet and alot of smiles. you might find your fs to be really funny?? like they’re probably a naturally funny person and it’s a plus to you. like green flag for sure.

First Date: judgement - ace of cups

so for your first date i’m seeing somewhere outdoors OR an arcade or somewhere where you can do lots of things. i’m seeing that the energy here is very vibrant and fun. you both will be smiling alot and having a great time and it’s just an overall fun experience. i do see there being major tension between the two of you and i think it’s because you two just know you’re meant for each other. like i wouldn’t be surprised if y’all started dating after your first date because the love is just there. y’all will find out so much about each other because you guys just feel so comfortable in each others energy.

First Kiss: The magician - the emperor

so definitely seeing you initiating the kiss. the emperor card literally screams “do it” like i see you hesitating to kiss them but spirit will be screaming in your ear “do it do it do it” like chanting LMAO. i see that you might catch them off guard when you kiss them, you might have your hand on their cheek/jaw. or they will. i’m seeing that they could have been talking about something or busy and then boom you give them a big ol smooch. i see the energy and feelings are mutual and they will kiss back cause in their heads they’re saying “hell yea” LMAO. like they’ve been waiting ages for you to kiss them, they def weren’t going to make the first move lolz.

their shadow side:

temperance - king of cups - six of cups - the lovers - five of cups - queen of pentacles

i’m seeing your future spouse can honestly be extremely childish and immature. i keep hearing the word ‘mean’. they can say things that make you go “why did you just say that?” cause it could have been disrespectful or just something incredibly hurtful. i’m seeing that they are mostly this way towards themselves tho. you will often see them being extremely ill towards themselves and saying mean things about themselves and you’re like “why are you saying this about yourself?” because on the outside they like to be seen as happy and perfect but behind closed doors they can be insecure. pile 2 some of you do want to have a family and kids, but your fs may have a hard time coming to terms with this. i think they may have some generational trauma and so they’ve grown into this person now and they may be exactly like the person who gave them this trauma. iykwim. they either 1) don’t want to be a parent just because or 2) don’t want to be a parent because they know they’ll be just like the person who raised them. not all of you but some of y’all’s fs may say things in spite of the moment. during arguments they can be extremely childish and immature and say things to hurt your feelings. (this is a really unhealthy thing in a relationship so definitely if this is happening talk to them about it. y’all don’t deserve that type of energy from anyone.)

Extra Messages !!:

The Oldest Fairy: so i’m seeing that you might be afraid of losing this youthful side to you, and you may be afraid of getting older. im seeing that spirit wants you to know that you shouldn’t be afraid of getting older and maturing, your fs will be put into your life so that you don’t lose this childish side to you. they will show you parts of you that you’ve never seen before. don’t be afraid of getting older.

Love: y’all are literally the cutest. i’ve been cheesing this entire reading because you two are inseparable. y’all are meant to be. y’all are perfect for each other. this love is once in a lifetime. this love is infinite. even after death your love for one another will stay known. you guys may have had a past life together because you two are so familiar and so in tune with each others energy it’s insane. you might not have been in many or any relationships pile 2 so this relationship is very new it feels very new and very raw and it will show you the world in such a magical way. y’all are precious stop.

Let Go of Control Issues: allow this situation to unfold naturally. i didn’t put this in the shadow side but they might have some control issues. but you also. i’m getting that you’re really urging and pulling this relationship to happen NOW but spirit says it needs to wait. don’t rush things pile 2 the universe knows that when you receive this love you won’t be disappointed.

what chakra is their weakest: heart chakra

what chakra is their strongest: crown chakra

your song: nervous - Shawn Mendes

extra key: water sign, rose, rose quartz, opal, aventurine, clear quartz, 222, blonde, brunette, dyed hair, air sign, earth sign, few years 1-5, green eyes, twin flame, lives close to that area, from that area, 666, 555, 1212, 3333, 9999, 5555, street style, no, gemini, scorpio

PILE 3

your energy check in:

these are clarifying cards for you and your currently energy, this helps me connect to you further and also makes sure this reading is right for you! <3

eight of wands - mother of swords - the sun - eight of swords

you seem to be a very optimistic pile 3. i’m seeing that you went through intense struggles in your life, you went through soooo much in the past and you’re finally transitioning into this happier and more sustainable way of living. i’m seeing a lot of you are divinely protected. whether you realize it or not you are protected. and not just from the divine but people around you, you have a whole army behind you pile 3. i’m not saying it’s impossible for bad things to happen to you, but it will take a lot of work because the universe is not letting this energy come back into your life. pile 3 you feel so comfortable in your skin. you feel so balanced and you feel finally understood and finally seen. you don’t feel broken, and forgotten about, and misunderstood. people are finally seeing you for who you truly are. you are able to get up in the mornings and actually live life. i do see you still struggle with having to live with the memories of what happened to you in the past. it seems that though you’ve healed or are currently healing you still live with this haunting memory or you just find yourself reliving those moments again. remember that spirit is always with you and you will always have somebody there. you aren’t alone 🤍

oracle: reflections

pile 3 shadow work is so beneficial for you. in this time you are feeling stuck, confused, lost, drained at moments. and this is because there is something within yourself that you need to change. change is your best option. don’t be scared to let go of things that no longer serve you. they’re in the past. they hold you no greater good. they formed you into the person you are today, but that doesn’t mean it needs to stay in your life. sticking with the original plans is a good idea, but don’t be afraid to switch things up. you control this part of your life now, nobody else. let this ego go.

extra messages: dark hair, eyeliner, pigtails, full lips, leo, trauma, mama, gothic, curvy, earth sign, fire sign

their energy:

daughter of pentacles - father of cups - three of pentacles - the devil

okay like. let me go on a rant really quickly. pile 3 y’all are one tough bunch. y’all have been through SHIT. and guess what? so has your future spouse. pile 2 i was talking about how they will bond over personal interests like music, hobbies, etc. pile 3 y’all are sooooo different. i see that it’s one of those things where nobody else understood you except each other. you have grown through hell and back, and so has your future spouse. you will find yourself so amazed that somebody like this has gone through so much, and they’d think the same thing. y’all might meet through group therapy tbh but that might be stretching it. anywho your person is definitely an empath. they feel everyone’s emotions x10. they can read people sooooo well?? they can read people like an open book. i’m seeing they might be very masculine and you might be very feminine. they’re very sensitive and can take things personally lol. bad coping mechanism ngl. i see that they can have a very toxic mindset towards things and be seen as pessimistic, this can be a turn off to you when you meet them. i think you can understand why they feel this way once you get to know them better.

oracle: fairies

i’m seeing your future spouse can have a very unique look to them. their style may be odd to strangers, something about the way they present themselves could be perceived as weird or ‘different’ to people. i’m seeing to you this person is very different from your past. they aren’t so much your type, but i do see that you connect with them in some way. i see maybe their personality is what makes them more attractive to you andddd they are so sweet?? like they’re absolutely precious lolz they could be a hippie tbh… or something similar to it.

extra message: long blonde hair, no sleep, pale skin, water sign, pisces, cancer, capricorn, scorpio, 1212

your fav things about them:

five of cups: this card is normally a very sad card but the energy im getting is that you love how far theyve come. you love that they never gave up and theyre here with you now. i’m seeing that they open up to you about alot of things they struggle with and they tell you when theyre not feeling their best and you appreciate that. you look up to them pile 3.

the hanged man: you like how they like to view every perspective of a situation. i see that theyre somebody who puts time and effort into things, and when things don’t work out people can’t tell them “they didn’t try”. your future spouse loves to put in effort into things and relationships.

four of pentacles: you enjoy how theyre they are. it gives you some hope for the world. you’re really good at working with others, and can be somewhat of a people person. (might even say post people pleaser??) they might be big multitasker, and this is like somewhat amazing to them cause youre like “whatttt…???”

two of cups: they treat you so well. they make you feel so loved and appreciated. you’ve never felt this way about anyone before. they show you what true love actually is. you may have been betrayed in the past by someone who you thought you could trust (who you might have been dating). i see you are very protective of your energy and when they come into your life they show you that the love you had before wasn’t real. you feel very safe with them.

six of pentacles: they like to spoil you tbh. i don’t see them being somebody with alot of money, but they do try to gift you things. i just saw somebody plucking a flower and gifting it to their spouse. them with you tbh. you love how well they treat you (like i said before) they just want to give you the world is all i’m seeing because they hate hate hate seeing you down. they’re soooo protective of you.

their fav things about you:

king of cups: when you meet them you will be very grounded and this will stay. you may already be very grounded but i’m just seeing like… you have so much balance in your life once you meet this person. this person honeslty is the cherry on top. they will love how you’re able to include them into your life, but also be very independent. i see they may struggle with being a tad bit dependent at times, and so they view you as sort of their grounding.

nine of swords: pile 3 do you like to journal or write?? i see some of you that could be a hobby of yours. your future spouse adores this. they will never overstep your boundaries, but if you ever wanted to share a little bit of your knowledge/hobby with them they are zoned in. they LOVE hearing about your special interests.

the world: pile 3 arent y’all some dreamers. i swear y’all live in the clouds. you also are a very grateful in a lot of things. you may have close relationships with family and they enjoy it. they love seeing this nurturing side of you. they love seeing how careful and gentle you can be.

son of pentacles: you’re very wise in the sense of finances and business? some of you might be really good in your work or you are just extremely wise in the way you handle situations. i see you guys can receive lots of luck. you may be very lucky. you future spouse actually really likes this lol. they like how lucky you are cause they believe that you deserve it.

son of swords: pile 3 yall might be a little intimidating…. but your future spouse??? tbh. it turns them on a little bit. like. they love seeing this scary side to you??? they love when you get defensive and protective. they might be very deer in headlights and you're very saber tooth tiger (literally just a random animal i thought of ngl??) they like feeling protected and safe with you, and likes seeing that darker side you have.

their personality:

the sun - six of pentacles - daughter of wands - three of swords - the tower - the lovers

okay so first off i heard they might be a bit of a hoarder… that goes for some. anywho. this person is such a damaged energy. they’ve gone through so much shit in their life. the three of swords makes me think that they were betrayed by close friends?? and this is because your person really loves helping people. they love being there for people. they might do charity work? or they do some type of fundraiser? it brings them bliss, joy, it warms their heart to see people getting the help they need. goodness pile 3 your future spouse is suuuppppeeerrrr sensitive. i literally just seen them in the verge of tears 24/7. like you’re somebody who’s really tough and might hide your emotions well… yea not ur spouse. they are so close to breaking down lolz. they love hugs by the way. i’m seeing they just have so much love to give? they are the type of person to put others happiness before their own, which is probably why they were betrayed in the past. they are def a people pleaser at times, this is something they need to work on. they really just want to be there for everybody, and is just an extreme empath with a lot of big kid emotions. i don’t see you finding this annoying, but i do see them crying over cute animal vids and you’re just looking at them confused haha

how they will make you feel:

the magician - death - the empress - two of pentacles - three of wands - seven of cups

pile 3 let me just say i love y’all’s connection. everything about this relationship has my heart melting. i didn’t do this for the other two piles but i felt the urge to read bottom of the deck energy and when i flipped it over boom the wheel of fortune. pile 3 your connection will feel too good to be true. you’ll feel like you’re in a dream. some of you might lucid dream a lot im seeing. this connection will feel so unreal, so close, so intimate. when i saw the magician card i thought “oh they balance each others energy” book the two of pentacles came out. sooo many clarifications from spirit. when i saw the death card i heard your future spouse literally saying “change is good for you”. you guys are tied together. i was getting twin flame energy but tbh i feel like y’all are lowkey soulmates. y’all are meant to be together in this time and many times after that. you two only understand each other. i see that you guys are so raw and authentic and real. pile 2 their fs keeps secrets from them, not you pile 3. you and your fs lets you see every single side of themselves. y’all aren’t afraid to be human. this connection has lasted lifetimes, you don’t care how angry or how dramatic the other person can be because this love you two have is strong. yk how some people it’s an ick when somebody acts a certain way??? yea you guys literally don’t care. you will love each other just as much as you did yesterday and more. you make each other feel so complete. you make each other feel so balanced. you open up to each other and break down these walls y’all built up all those years ago. you are so real with this person and it makes you feel so emotional because you know that only they could understand you. i love this pile so much stop

their looks:

three of swords - temperance - eight of pentacles - six of swords - ace of wands - the magician

so i’m seeing if they have light skin or pale skin their hair is darker, and if they have darker skin their hair is lighter?? and not even just white or blonde hair like they probably dye it a brighter color. im seeing they have pin straight hair or really loose curls. some have wavy hair but it’s mostly straight hair vibes tbh. i’m seeing that in the winter they may wear brighter colors, but in the fall,spring, and summer they wear darker colors lol??? okay so listen to me on this, but im seeing that they look lowkey dead. like pile 1 i was talking abt how their eyes look like dead/sleepy your person lowkey looks like a zombie. (and no nothing bad to why they look like this, some of them just look like that) but this isnt saying they don’t take care of themselves. they do take care of themselves 100%. im seeing that their nose might be fairly big? their lips might be very small too. some of them have piercing blue eyes. like bright blue. others have honey or hazel. nothing too dark i’m seeing. could be super super skinny. long fingers?? they’re tall too? might be taller than you. people aren’t intimidated by this person at all, i see people think they look very innocent and nice. like they just have this very sweet look to them tbh. i see people can tell this person has gone through stuff too, i see they might be a bit of a target at times and other times people are really careful with them. i see this is definitely odd one out energy, people perceive this person as different.

their love language:

the sun - nine of cups - the moon - father of swords - daughter of cups

acts of service for sure they want to GIVE TO YOUUU. they want to help you out in any way they can. literally will give you foot rubs(??) i’m seeing they will cook for you. so gift giving by be one too. i’m seeing they just want to help you out in any way. definitely loves quality time as well. this is somebody who will find comfort in just complete silence with you. they will hold you while they watch tv or read, and while you’re doing something else. they just want to be in your presence. i see them being a really good listener to your rants too. but it’s balanced cause you listen to them really well too. y’all are so comfortable with each other this is adorable. they also know all of your favorite things??? you might idk like to crochet and this person will find something for you to crochet, or they will buy you a crochet pin or like a magnet that says something abt crochet on it idk LMAO they want to let you know that they do actually care what you have to say to them. they are really good at showing it haha

how they will comfort you:

three of pentacles - six of swords - nine of pentacles - the magician

they want to try and take you out if you’re not feeling good mentally. you may want to stay inside and not do anything and your fs is like “uh no? you’re going to get your butt up and we’re gonna cheer you up” they know keeping you cooped up won’t make you feel better. if you’re sick this person will treat you like a god/goddess. they will make sure you are being fed well, you’re getting the right medicine at the right time, etc. when you’re sick it’s like terrible to them. some of them might be a germaphobe tbh. i’m seeing that they do like to take care of you. you feel like you’re burdening them but remember they love to help people. when you’re feeling under the weather or not good mentally they’re here for you 110%. they also might try and spoil you a little bit to make you feel better. they will literally do whatever you want haha

First Times:

First Meet: four of swords - mother of cups

i saw a museum? somewhere very calm and relaxed and where your emotions can run freely. somewhere where art can be or is expressed. could meet in a garden? or somewhere extremely colorful there is a lot of color. im seeing that you two will be very drawn towards each other but you both will be too nervous to come up and say anything lol. i am seeing you may be introduced to each other by a friend? that might be how you kick off the convo and then boom y’all are obsessed with each other. i think your spouse might offer a date idea near the end of the convo… 👀

First Date: two of wands - the moon

ok ok so im gonna take the moon card literally and say that y’all might stargaze on your first date. but this would be after the actual start of the date. y’all will definitely go somewhere outdoors. y’all might meet around the summer time. a lot of fairs happen in the summer time and im just seeing that happening ngl. y’all will go somewhere where a lot of people are present, but it feels like it’s just the two of you. this date will be soooo nerve wracking to both of you. so many awkward giggles and awkward movements. this is like teenage love, like holding their hand for the first time. you’ll feel very young with this person. i do see y’all not wanting this date to end so you go stargazing… some of you not all. but you both really just want to stay in each others energy for ever.

First Kiss: the chariot - mother of swords

okay i’m not going to lie, i wasn’t going to say it but i felt like you were going to have your first kiss on your first day and these cards kind of clarified that. i do feel like this relationship might move a bit fast for you pile 3 but there is so much passion between you two. like i am seeing you two lowkey having your first kiss really quickly if not on your first date. i’m seeing this doesn’t scare either of you because you both have so much love for each other. it’s honestly extremely intimate, i’m seeing that this kiss will last a long time and you both won’t really stop kissing hahah. i’m not seeing you two getting into a relationship immediately though… some of you yes others of you it will take just some time. but i do see this first kiss happening fairly quickly and neither of you are disappointed. tension tension tension.

their shadow side:

four of swords - ten of wands - son of wands - the star - the magician - eight of swords - daughter of pentacles - the empress

okay so this is somebody who can be very conflicting?? they might confuse you sometimes on how they’re feeling and this can annoy you. this person has alot of blockage in their life. they are stuck right now and will continue to be, in seeing that they have a lot of people against them? they might be somebody who uses their emotions as an excuse sometimes. and this can be really hurtful cause it can be seen as very manipulative. they are somebody who is extremely emotional and extremely in tune with you and nature but they just have this really dark side to them. they are somebody who doesn’t really change alot about themselves. it’s ironic cause they tell you that change is a good thing and that change can help you, but they refuse to change themselves.

Extra Messages!!:

Book Fairy: don’t be afraid to go out and try something new don’t be afraid to try new things and do something different in your life. something that challenges your intellect and makes you really think. change change change. you and your fs will explore these types of changes together. they’re i’ll definitely be the type to show you the world in many different ways.

Joy: you’re able to view the world in a positive way. you are able to go out and have fun. don’t let people places or things stop you from living life. the only person that should matter to you is you. be open to receiving joy and happiness in your life.

Worth Waiting For: divine timing is at work in your love life. this relationship is something that will change your life for only good reasons. i am seeing that this will bring you lots of abundance and clarity and you will feel at home with this person. there is no i’ll energy towards this connection, you two are meant for each other.

what chakra is their weakest: root chakra

what chakra is their strongest: heart chakra

your song: I Hear a Symphony - Cody Fry

Extra Key: 333,444, air/earth/water, marigold, carnelian, dioptase, sunstone, red jasper, aventurine, white, green eyes, grey hair, from that area, 444, 5555, 777, 2222, casual style, street style, NO, fire sign, gemini, in a while 5+

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cedarxwing · 14 days

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The ending of Hannibal the novel explained

(aka the breastfeeding scene)

Here's the passage (end of Chapter 101):

I thought everyone was kidding about the breastfeeding kink jokes until my partner read Hannibal and the whole ending flew over their head. Their main takeaway was "that was weird." When I checked reddit, it seemed everyone was confused there too. I was gobsmacked to see one guy say that Thomas Harris was playing some cruel joke on the reader by writing an ending that didn't make sense!

How many people are reading Hannibal like this, completely missing the resolution to Hannibal's character arc? They must finish the book confused about what it was all about in the first place. So here's how I understand it!

First, I need to get this out of the way: a lot of people hate this scene, and from what I understand it's because they're weirded out by the "breastfeeding kink." Which is fine, but it makes me want to gently hold them by the hand and tell them that it's ok for someone to suck on a nipple. It happens all the time. Sometimes it just feels good, sometimes it's part of a breastfeeding fantasy, and sometimes it's literal breastfeeding. Between consenting adults, this is all fine and normal. Let's all move past this knee-jerk repulsion (or alternatively, sit in our discomfort and expand our horizons) so we can analyze this piece of art together. :)

Next, authors LOVE Freudian psychoanalysis. Even though it's all nonsense, it's full of literary allusion and makes for compelling narratives and character studies (childhood maladjustment, repressed memories, etc), which is basically catnip for a writer. Thomas Harris was no exception, and probably creamed himself (as I did) when he learned that Freud's oral-sadistic stage was also termed the "cannibalistic stage," referring to the time when an infant is growing teeth and begins to bite at the breast--the psychosexual urge to devour and destroy the thing you love. What could be more appropriate for Hannibal?

Next, consider the pattern of Hannibal's Il Mostro murders. He killed young couples in one of the most romantic cities in the world, then arranged them as Chloris and Zephyr from Botticelli's Primavera, exposing Chloris's left breast just like in the painting. In classical art, an exposed breast is often a symbol of fertility. Chloris is associated with spring, new growth, and transformation.

Perhaps, at the time, Hannibal rationalized these murders as retribution for rude behavior. Maybe the couples were performing disgusting PDA. Maybe they were obnoxious tourists on their honeymoons. Either way, it's clear to the reader that Hannibal has some deep-seated hang up about sex and romance.

The particulars of this hang up are open to interpretation, but based on Hannibal's obsession with the rape and transformation of Chloris as well as his embarrassment at the paintings of Leda and the Swan in the German's house, I think it's safe to say that Hannibal feels like any relationship he has with a woman who isn't aware of his true (monstrous) identity would involve a degree of violence/lack of consent. He is forever barred from normal romance.

Having given up on sex/romance, Hannibal is unable to consciously recognize his desire for Clarice, so he sublimates it into a more general familial love. He longs for a return to innocence, to return to the time before he ate Mischa and became an unlovable monster (cue the teacup metaphor).

But even familial love seems like too much to hope for, so he sublimates it further into something that seems more attainable: resurrecting the person whom he loved and devoured, and who loved him in turn (Mischa) through Clarice.

So we have the breast as a symbol of sex/fertility (Chloris/Clarice), as an object that is loved and devoured (Mischa), and as a literal source of sustenance that must be given up during infancy (mommy).

Big brain Clarice connects all these dots and, in the very same style of therapy that Hannibal has been using on her, distills Hannibal's psychological problems into a single poetic gesture that completely fixes Hannibal in an instant, proving that she's not only his intellectual equal, but is, in some ways, his superior.

When Clarice asks, "Did you ever feel that you had to relinquish the breast to Mischa? Did you ever feel you were required to give it up for her?", she's ostensibly asking Hannibal if he's stuck in the oral stage of childhood development (which yeah he probably is). On a deeper level, she's asking Hannibal to consider if he's given up on love.

When Clarice exposes her breast in the same fashion as Chloris, says, "You don’t have to give up this one", and suspends the drop of wine from her nipple, she is shifting his perception of her breast from familial devoured sustenance to a sexual object. Basically, "Why do you want me to pretend I'm your sister when we could be banging?" Hannibal is being aged out of his childlike mindset, not regressing into one.

There are other layers of meaning in this act. The hedonism of using thousand dollar wine for food play is a sign of Clarice's character development. The way Hannibal kneels before Clarice is a position of subservience, but could also be interpreted as devouring Clarice in a way that's new to him. It's the most self-actualized thing Hannibal has done since escaping prison (LOL) and marks the end of his hero's journey (as one of the first things we see him do in Hannibal Rising is nurse).

Personally, I don't read this scene as breastfeeding kink. Yeah, Clarice talks about breastfeeding, but that was more a metaphor for other stuff. Considering the direction of Hannibal's character arc, I understand this scene as him briefly licking the wine off before they have sex. But to each their own! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

ANYWAY, yeah, it's unsettling. It's obviously meant to be. But it's beautifully unsettling! Hate it all you want, but this is peak cannibal romance, to me!!

#hannibal meta #hannibal #clarice starling

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starsworldd · 1 year

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✿ 𝟴𝘁𝗵, 𝟵𝘁𝗵, 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝟭𝟬𝘁𝗵 𝗵𝗼𝘂𝘀𝗲𝘀 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗰𝗮𝗹𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴 (𝗽𝘁. 𝟯) ✿

• reminder to go listen to domino 1 by iamsagsssssss :> ⭐️

• once again, thank you so much for the support!! ⭐️

saggitarius rising: 👾

❖ cancer 8th house - family may have been a cause of concern for you. maybe there’s lots of secrets or taboos in your family. the past and your childhood are difficult things for you to confront as well. you may be scared to feel the range of your emotions and may often keep them repressed because you somehow fear them possibly.

❖ leo 9th house - a way to help you with these problems is to foster your own creativity. you may find that your own personal discoveries are found through things like singing, dancing, theater, etc… not being afriad to express yourself is your way of making the most out of your transformations :))

❖ virgo 10th house - you’re known as someone who puts their best into the daily grind. with both luminaries in the 8th and 9th houses, your healing journey reflects both aspects of the ego and that’s not an easy journey to go through! but nonetheless, your potential lies in inspiring others how to reinvent their routines to match their best self. from dealing with familial/emotional struggles (cancer 8th house) to establishing your own separate independence and smarts because of those struggles (virgo 10th house) <3

capricorn rising: ⚡️

❖ leo 8th house - someone who may be afraid of the spotlight. music, dance, creativity in general is your superpower and is very transformative for you. you may have been afraid to show your talents or might have gotten a lot of backlash for sharing them. self-expression wasn’t always easy for you </3

❖ virgo 9th house - to escape this, you work on your skill set. someone who practices their talents or trains how they want to express themselves on a public level to some degree. applying your skills in a helpful way is what helps you heal and sets you free!

❖ libra 10th house - because you’ve established yourself as someone dedicated to their craft, people love you. people admire your hard work and you inspire others to work hard as well. you come off as someone who knows the balance between having fun and being able to do difficult tasks. pretty similar to scorpio rising in the sense that you went from someone who was scared to show off your creativity and fun side (leo 8th) to someone who is loved and admired by others for your work (libra 10th)

aquarius rising: 🫧

❖ virgo 8th house - practicing your skills is what sets you apart. you may have been shamed for the type of service you do, or the way you live your life in general. you could be afraid or may seem reluctant to transforming your daily routines and jobs. what you practice for a job or for a hobby could be shamed upon by others.

❖ libra 9th house - your way of escaping this torment is to be a diplomat. you find self-discovery through friendships and making in-depth connections with others (could also be romantic ;>). making connections with people outside of your circle sets you free and maybe creating businesses or some sort of monetary partnership with them is also possible.

❖ scorpio 10th house - with great power, comes great responsibility. people are jealous of how well-liked you are by others, or they’re just jealous of your skills and smarts. you inspire others to make use of their skill sets and talents amongst others and to find power within each ourselves. in my opinion, this rising has one of the most distinct setup of houses out of the rising signs, of course each sign has a unique flair to their setup though. for being shamed to your work ethic and skills (virgo 8th) to becoming someone of great power and status (scorpio 10th).

pisces rising: 💫

❖ libra 8th house - you may have had trouble with your relationships or friendships. people shame you for the way you make connections with others, your charm. accessing venusian subjects such as romance, music, etc.. we’re very transformative for you and you could possibly profit off of it. someone who doesn’t like to be tied down by their connections.

❖ scorpio 9th house - you reinvent yourself in order to escape these painful experiences with others. it’s kind of ironic how in the house of the heavens you have to go down to hell to find your own heaven. facing your fears and own personal struggles is what sets you free. this definitely isn’t easy, but it is what will gain you greater freedom. your belief systems and faith could all be about about transformation (and maybe they themselves change a lot as well)

❖ saggitarius 10th house - after going through all the pain, you’re someone who spreads the optimism and perseverance that people need in order to get through life. you spread your wisdom amongst others and come off as someone who is wise as well. you inspire people because you project an image of happiness even though you’ve been through so much. from fearing personal connections (libra 8th house) to someone who isn’t afraid to give in-depth knowledge to others at large (saggitarius 10th house)

✿ hope you enjoyed! let me know what you want me to post next :> ✿

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tarotwithlove · 7 months

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PICK A CARD🎐ೕ what does your soul need right now?

reminder that this is a general reading and messages found here may not apply to everyone. take what resonates, leave what doesn't, and don't force anything if it does not fit.

BOOK A READING WITH ME · LINKTREE · SUGGEST A PAC TOPIC · TIPS ♡ tips and feedback are highly appreciated!

GROUP ONE

cards · the devil, knight of swords, eight of pentacles. archangel jeremiel: learn from your challenges. relax and trust.

songs · cozy by beyonce. nonstop by nct 127. birthday by ten.

my dear group one ♡ what your soul needs right now is for you to not only believe in your dreams but to believe in your own limitless potential.

your soul needs you to accept that difficulty is just another part of life, and that, despite how much difficulty you face, you will not give up.

for some, this may be you going after a big life goal while for others of you this is your journey towards being more comfortable in your body and sexuality. in both cases, you may think of these goals as unreachable. but you need to know that nothing that you desire is unreachable - this is how you will best nourish your soul.

on a more 18+ note, what your soul needs most at the moment is for you to relieve tension either by yourself or with another person.

GROUP TWO

cards · eight of pentacles, the world, the tower. archangel zadkiel: it is time for transmutation.

songs · nobody else by monsta x. ain’t go no / i got life by nina simone. lust for life by lana del rey.

my dear group two ♡ what your soul needs right now is a major change or transformation. this is especially significant where travel and your living situation is concerned.

you may have travelled away from home in order to pursue a dream or because of an opportunity offered to you thanks to your talents or academic pursuits. however, while this has enriched you in many ways, it has also left you in a state of confusion and turmoil.

some of you may be running away from something or someone.

your soul needs roots at stability. if you are constantly transiting between two (or more) places, or living life more as a nomad, your soul needs you to find a place to settle down in; to start building a home.

of course this is not for all of you. for some, this stability is with regard to you making a certain choice. what do you want to study? what do you want to pursue? what kind of person do you want to be?

in any case, your soul needs you to make a hard decision about your life instead of dancing around and avoiding it.

GROUP THREE

cards · six of cups, page of pentacles, the world. lady gaia: your challenges are lessons. you are loved and welcomed on earth.

songs · i belong to you by whitney houston. m.a.a.d city by kendrick lamar. cozy by beyonce.

my dear group three ♡ what your soul needs right now is for you to open yourself up to dating and romance again. some of you may have been out of the dating pool for some time, insisting that you do not have time and energy for relationships; that you are just better off alone; that love isn’t made for you.

but by closing yourself off from love entirely you have also closed yourself off from many of life’s blessings as they try to come towards you. by closing yourself off from love, you have not only closed yourself off from romantic relationships but from fulfilling relationships as well.

for others of you, ones who may currently be in relationships, your soul needs you to ignite the passion in your relationship once again. this relationship may have come routine, as you both get used to each other and spend a lot of time together, and as you are both busy with your own lives. however, you have a lover’s soul and it needs to be nurtured.

be spontaneous in this connection. plan a date night. remind yourselves what made you fall in love with each other in the first place and be purposeful about recreating this in your connection in the current time.

this also refers to the relationship with your friends and family. your soul needs community and human connection. it’s up to you to make sure these connections around you are strong ones.

GROUP FOUR

cards · the hermit, knight of cups, seven of pentacles. archangel haniel: seek soul satisfaction. fan a flame of inner happiness.

songs · yours by mariah carey. star by loona. hello future by nct dream.

my dear group four ♡ what your soul needs right now is for you to focus on loving yourself above all else. you may have always entered relationships or involved yourself in fandom and hobbies as a way to distract yourself from yourself. however, this will not work for long.

in fact, this has already stopped working, and your soul is basically begging you to pay attention to yourself now.

your soul needs you to start working on your self-love and self-confidence. you may have been avoiding doing this because of how much it will push you out of your comfort zone, but there is no growth (and no way to nourish your soul) without doing this much.

instead of accepting things as they are, it is time to make yourself, your goals, and the plans for your future a priority. this is the only way that your soul will feel enriched and you will feel satisfied with your life.

#**#tarot #pac #pick a card #pick a pile #pick a picture #pick an image #pick a photo #tarotonline #tarotblr #tarotcommunity #tarotcreator #channelled message #channeled message #spirituality #spiritualism

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loveemagicpeace · 7 months

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Do you mind explaining what which houses means ? I find this topic really interesting

🌸1st house it is your rising sign- how u act, how u look, your presence, how others see you, your energy outwards. Sports and where you put your energy. How others notice you and how you are noticed. What are you known for & what impression you leave on others. For ex.: capricorn rising you will always leave an impression of respect and strength. Jupiter in 1st house - people will see you as a confident and outgoing person. Neptune- you will always leave a magical impression and mystery on people but overall fairy vibes. Sun - Pride will always be with you and people will see you as a person who shines (many times the sun covers a person's sadness).

🧁2nd house- your values, money, food, music, how u take care of things, your self esteem. Things that are close to your heart and that you always carry with you. What do you hold onto the most and what is very important to you.

🧃3rd house- communication, thinking, speaking in public or in general, writing, books, relatives, siblings, neighbors, classmates, school. What attitude do you have towards learning, early schooling. Your best friend. Which opinion do you hold the most and how is your communication perceived by others. What is your way of expressing yourself. How seriously you take communication.

☕️4th house- family, mom- your relationship with her, your safe place, home,house, your private life. What is your relationship with your family like and what kind of family do you want for yourself. Where is your home and where you feel with all your heart that this is your place. Your fav things, people..cuz this is cancer house they always have their favorite stuff. Where do you go when you feel sad & what is place that always makes you feel better.

🎡5th house- joy, happiness, romance, dating life, hobbies ,childhood, your inner child, teenage period(what you were like as a teenager and how you remember it). This house also represents how serious you are in dating. What is important to you in dating and how we perceive them. Where are your dates usually. For ex.: taurus in 5th house- old school def, gemini in 5th house- always something else, but many times it can be a library, a school maybe haha, cancer 5th house - at home, scorpio in 5th house- mysterious place. This house shows where you find the greatest joy of all.

🫧6th house- work, where do you see yourself working and what is your way of working, routine, colleagues, lifestyle (how u function during the day), health, hygiene, animals. What part of your life are you most critical of. Also 6th house is your physical body-how you see your body and how it looks. 6th house gemini- usually you are skinny or tiny, 6th house taurus- you have a more muscular body, 6th house capricorn- you have bone bruises or they are more visible.

🩵7th house- relationships, friends, marriage, other people, beauty, aesthetics. How you act in a relationship, your partner. What kind of panther do you need to feel fulfilled. What kind of wedding do you want & how much does marriage mean to you. Venus here it can mean that marriage is something you value very much, uranus here maybe you see it as limiting your freedom, or maybe you don't feel it so much, moon here u want marriage by the ocean.

🌊8th house- intimacy, investing, other people's finances, inheritance, deeper relationships, how u share things with others and what u share, secrets, the truth, rebirth, transformation, deep and intense emotions, part of yourself that u hide from others. How you emotionally share yourself with a person is also the house of trust and how much you trust others. And in what way do you want trust from another person. For ex.: leo here it can mean that you want to share all the fun with this one person and that it is important for you to share sex together.

🦋9th house- travel, learning from others or they learning from you, teaching others, long interesting stories, experiences, research, optimism, happiness, meaning, faith, second marriage, universities, education, strangers, friends you don't see much,the path of life. Where do you find inspiration for life and which part of life is important to you.

⚡️10th house- career, public identity, your social network and how others see you, how strangers see you, audience, lessons, your early life, father, grandfather, older people, karma. This house also represents how others get karma for being mean to you. What kind of people do you attract.

🫧11th house-friends(with whom you share many of the same things), interests, dreams, difference (how you are different from others), social networks & how do you view social networks, inventions, inventions, science, groups (how you work in groups), in what way do you feel more alienated from others, loneliness.

🧝🏽‍♀️12th house-imagination, fantasy, ocean, magic, spirituality, your dream world, your subconscious, sacrifice, unknown, who are you when no one is around, manifesting, hospital, prison, dancing, singing, art, addiction (any - it doesn't have to be related to alcohol or drugs.) for example leo in this house it can mean addiction to gambling, libra - to relationship, beauty, dressing, Taurus - money, food, series, music. And also your escape where you run away.

Here u have it 🎸

#astrology #astrological houses

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oiwxa · 10 months

Text

UMAZANE MISLI | c.bg

STARRING: Choi Beomgyu x fem!reader

CAST: Lee Heeseung (EN-), Lee Geonu (Just B), Jung Sungchan (ex-NCT), Yang Jeongin (Stray Kids), Felix (Stray Kids), Choi Seungchol (SVT)

RUNTIME: 35.9k (sorry)

SYNOPSIS: Beomgyu thought that a life of academic excellence, popularity contests, and ego trips were left behind the moment he graduated from a prestigious private school. However, he found himself locked in an intense, three-year rivalry with you. He always had to be number one in everything that the two of you were involved in, but god damn, your band makes incredible music. Lord knows what would happen if one day, you find him moshing to one of your basement shows. Alas, you were oblivious, and he managed to convince himself that several streaks of messy, temporary red dye and ripped jeans immediately transformed him into a spy that infiltrated your band's smelly, sweat-infused, beer-rotting basement.

GENRE: Coming of age, slice of life, romance, comedy, band!au

DIRECTOR'S CUT: hi everyone !! this will be my debut into txt writing !! i hope you enjoy this fic, and as always, PLEASE triple check all warnings and make sure you read this work at your own discretion. You are responsible for the content that you consume. also !! of course, some facets of the band is inspired by the lovely joker out, the slovenian band that stole all of our hearts in esc 2023 !! the family dynamics and rich kid problems in this fic is inspired by succession, the HBO tv series. i also just wanted to give a quick shoutout to alice @jayflrt and her stoner's guide to starbucks smau, which inspired heeseung's character in this fic !! do give it a read if you have the chance !! she's vv funny LOL. also !! another shoutout to @jitaros for the e2l law school dynamics !! i tried my hand at the trope (watched too much better call saul for this LOL) !! this is an homage to crying lightning, and i hope reading this will inspire you to complete law school!hyuck :")))

SOUNDTRACK: Umazane Misli, Plastika, Demoni, Vem da Greš, Proti Toku, Carpe Diem, A Sem Ti Povedal, Bele Sanje, Katrina, and Dopamin by Joker Out (basically the entirety of Joker Out's discog tbh)

VISUALIZERS: Joker In // Law school Beomgyu

I. SHAGADELIC, BABY!

The studio has seen worse things. Pizza boxes covered in mold spreading toxic mildew across the entire room; broken drum sticks that were basically tetanus-inducing pieces of legos on the floor for the unlucky person sans socks or sandals; curled ends of guitar strings strewn across the floor like upturned nails; permanent stains of beer scattered in patches on the wooden floorboards; broken lightbulbs for more tetanus and other forms of infectious diseases; a nest of fruit flies concentrated on one of the leaking pipes next to the generator; an unidentifiable liquid etched on the edge of a dirty carpet with an equally mysterious source; crude graffiti filling up the bare cement walls; the temper of a lead singer with a god complex; and lastly, the simmering temperament of a guitarist that believes he deserves more credit than he is currently given.

To call the basement of an abandoned house on the distant outskirts of Hongdae a studio was an insult to professional musicians who spend their entire lives in a well-insulated creative space. Your band barely had the budget to install acoustic foam panels across the basement—not like you needed it, though. Nobody in their right mind would dare take the last train to the station and hike at least an hour atop a closed trail to record music in a dilapidated house. It wasn’t like there was anything or anybody listening to the so-called “noise” you and your friends made at ungodly hours, too. If there were, it was probably the ghosts of those who once populated what you assumed was a small, forestry village before the war.

Nonetheless, it became the meeting place that would house all of the band’s creative endeavors—and to be fair, you didn’t mind the musty smell or the murky leakages of dirty water. All of it to you slowly became a sanctuary that broke you free from the bondage of a degree you weren’t even interested in. What was even better was the people that occupied the rather decrepit space. Sure, there was a lot of infighting in the band that made you want to throw your drum sticks at each member or assault them and get charged with battery, but in the end, it was growing pains for the fruition of an otherwise decent band. For you, the disagreements everyone often faced were a testament to the band’s potential longevity. Even if you didn’t consider yourself the most vocal member of the ensemble, you had a reliable voice of reason that validated the input you’d give to every suggestion or performance discussed.

“Disagreements should be normalized, you know?” You once remember saying when Jeongin would often cry about the heated arguments Geonu and Sungchan would have. “I don’t think we’d be as good as we are now if we never fought or stood up for what we wanted in this thing.”

A word had to be said about the duo before proceeding into important matters—after all, it was the two of them that had the longest overall experience in Seoul’s university basement scene. Geonu in particular was who one might call the “veteran” in your band. He practically grew up around independent musicians his whole life, and his brother was in the garage rock scene since Geonu graduated from middle school. It was the norm for him to show up underage inside bars, venues, taverns, and any place that reeked of spoiled beer, sticky sweat, and copious amounts of cannabis abuse. Of course, Geonu managed to stay clean save for a few sips of beer here and there; he was notorious for his inhumane self-restraint and resilience, after all. When Geonu was fifteen, around the end of his last summer as a middle schooler, he started a hardcore band and toured a couple of basements around Seoul and beyond. The problem, though, was that his lead singer was a late bloomer. Instead of obtaining the gruff, aggressive, and extremely hardcore (for lack of a better word) tone that was required for the genre, Geonu had to suffer through his band receiving “baby noise” status. To his credit, he took it extremely well, using the ridicule to his advantage. It became a common gimmick later on for the band’s cult following to bring pacifiers and cry like an infant during the breakdown of each song. He even began attaching packets of powdered milk with each tote bag or cassette tape purchased from his fans for extra humor.

That period of his life closed when he was in his second year of high school, where he founded an indie band and completely changed the direction of his music. The hardcore punk to soft boy indie pipeline was a pretty common shift in many musicians in the current generation, and by then, Geonu had grown out of the nu-metal craze of gelled, spiky hair and repetitive power chords. He wanted something more out of his music and thus formed an unexpected friendship with Sungchan, who at the time was the star football player in their high school. Since then, the two had been in the same band together, often changing the lineup depending on where they were music-wise. The first generation of the band was called King Suit, and most of their shows consisted of covers translated from English to Korean. King Suit was perhaps the most radio-friendly iteration out of all the bands that Geonu and Sungchan were in, and they broke off for the exact same reason.

“Nobody really wanted to write music,” Geonu explained one time after a freshman party. “I mean, I can’t blame them. It takes a lot of effort, and most of us were self-taught. Sungchan was the only one who was willing to make the academic sacrifice to write and produce music with me, so we broke off after graduating high school.”

From what you could tell, Geonu didn’t seem to look back at King Suit with the rose-colored fondness of nostalgia. Each time he complained about his former members in a drunken pursuit, his voice would drop an octave lower, seething bitterness and poison in his slurred cadence. Geonu also only complimented Sungchan when he was drunk.

The second iteration of his attempts into the underground indie scene was with a short-lived shoegaze venture that was ironically named DARE. One surprising fact that you managed to squeeze out of Geonu was that Sungchan conjured the idea of starting a shoegaze band. He had been listening to a lot of my bloody valentine and Cocteau Twins owing to his nightly Naver scrolls and Spotify recommendations. According to an extremely inebriated Geonu, Sungchan became obsessed with collecting effectors and pedals, blowing his entire savings and part-time earnings into expanding his ever-growing collection of overpriced battery boxes. Truth be told, his obsession for pedals didn’t necessarily come from a place of musical interest—he just thought that some of the artworks plastered across the Keeley or Electro-Harmonix pedals looked cool. He managed to learn how to use them through deep research on YouTube and Reddit, but he would never admit that the sole reason for his collection was the pursuit of aesthetics. Geonu would also never admit that he wanted DARE to live a longer life, simply because his stubborn pride wouldn’t allow it. He would always argue with Sungchan about how the genre of shoegaze itself was a cut-and-paste replica of each other, and for Geonu, it would be embarrassing to admit that his opinions can change over time. He was too much of a staunch idealist in the sense that he stood by most—if not all—of his opinions, thus it would take an eternity for him to admit that he was either wrong or misconstrued about whatever statement came out of his loud mouth.

Then, Joker In was born—at least, that was what the current band was called. Prior to the name change, the band didn’t have an official name, so each gig just listed your names as individuals. It was the only iteration of Geonu’s bands that consisted of you in the lineup, in addition to Jeongin’s replacement as the current bassist. Prior to Jeongin’s untimely recruitment, the band had an upper year who promptly had to leave because he graduating and he was an exchange student. You didn’t know what went inside Geonu’s mind theater when he recruited Felix, but you assumed that the short-lasting membership was worth it if he was that good of a bassist.

And to your judgement, Felix was amazing. He was a veteran of the instrument and played the double bass at his university’s big band back in Australia. Naturally, he would adjust to the electric bass pretty quickly, mastering all the techniques and genres by the time the band scored their first gig. Felix wasn’t particularly good at Korean, but he didn’t need the language when his skills spoke for themselves. In addition to mastering the instrument, he was a phenomenal performer that captivated the audience through his laid-back playing style. Every note he plucked was effortless, and his deep, sultry voice complemented Geonu’s powerful vocals quite well.

The first time you saw Geonu cry was when the band dropped Felix off at the airport, bringing Jeongin along despite the awkward, one-sided tensions between them. Felix didn’t mind Jeongin’s presence since he joined the band knowing it was a short-term commitment, but Jeongin thought otherwise.

“What if he’ll hate me?” Jeongin would lament. It was your job to comfort him whenever he would dive deep into his woes about filling such a big role. Geonu was too cutthroat, and Sungchan was too much of a deadpanner. There was no way those two could ease the noisy thoughts of an anxiety-ridden boy.

“Felix doesn’t hate, Jeongin,” You’d reply as you stuffed his mouth with endless slices of pizza. “Have you seen the guy? I don’t think he could get angry even if he wanted to.”

The band became Joker In after Jeongin’s obsession for Eurovision came to light. At first, the three of you eyed him with confusion and bewilderment, wondering how a boy born and raised in Korea could care about a Europe-exclusive song contest. After being subjected to an entire week or two of arduously rewatching past contests and performances, you’ve grown to realize that Jeongin never watched Eurovision for the quality of songs that each artist produced. Sure, there were some good hits that grabbed your attention, but Jeongin didn’t care about the meaning of the songs written for the contest. For him, Eurovision was specifically created for drama and political tensions, paired with ridiculous, overtly surreal, and over-the-top staging that made you question the infinite potential of the human mind. What initially started as Jeongin’s sole hyper fixation now influenced the entire band’s direction, and Eurovision became a pact of friendship in Joker In.

“You have to watch Viktor Plushenko skating on a fucking ice rink on stage with Dima Bilan,” Jeongin said, pushing his phone screen on Geonu’s face.

“I’ve already seen that performance dipshit. You’ve shown it to me like, I don’t know? Every single time we go to the studio?” Geonu would reply, then keep his eyes glued to the performance. He didn’t want to admit that his go-to stage costume of a wifebeater and loose, silver parachute pants came from endlessly watching Dima Bilan on YouTube, but the avid Eurovision fan could pretty much piece his inspiration quite easily. Luckily for him, Korea didn’t have a lot of people that were willing to watch four whole hours of countries they’d never heard of sending artists runnings around in hamster balls singing about dusting a turkey in 2000s-era technicolor.

“They sure did bring a wholeass ice rink on stage, did they?” Sungchan said, using his tall stature to tower over Geonu and Jeongin. He kept his eyes focused on the Olympic figure skater as he gracefully slid around the small, constrained ice rink in Belgrade.

“Anything for Dima Bilan. Anything.” Jeongin cooed, eyes never leaving the blue-tinted stage on his phone screen. “Look at him! He’s so… sexy.”

“Take a shot every time Jeongin simps over Dima Bilan,” You interrupted, snatching the phone from Jeongin’s hands. You went on the search bar and typed in the keywords that led to your favorite Eurovision winner, Duncan Laurence. Once his deep, solemn voice began to reverberate across the vast emptiness of the basement, you felt the three roll their eyes in your direction.

“Of course, you’ll always play Duncan Laurence’s performance,” Jeongin sighed as he shook his head. He yanked his phone back from your hands and paused the video, momentarily admiring the tall, Dutch man playing the grand piano before shutting his phone off altogether. You returned the sentiment and folded your arms, closing your eyes from exhaustion.

“Jeongin, you know that people can enjoy the contest for the actual music they produce, right?”

“Well… yeah, but where’s the fun in that?” Jeongin replied, giving you his signature foxy smile. “You’re free to argue that Stefania won last year because of its musicality and experimentation with hip-hop and Ukrainian folk music, but man, you can’t deny that people liked it because of Mr. Pink Bucket Hat and MC Kilimmen’s breakdancing.”

“I don’t know, dude.” Sungchan interrupted. Whenever the topic of Eurovision 2022 came up, he always felt the need to join the conversation. “I think Chanel with Slomo deserved the trophy.”

Sungchan always had a penchant to enjoy female entries in Eurovision. When the band rewatched Eurovision 2010 and host their first sleepover in the basement for the first time, Sungchan fell asleep until Lena’s “Satellite” came on. The moment he heard her voice, he jolted awake as if someone shocked him with a defibrillator, posture immediately upright as he leaned his tall frame too close to the projector that they managed to hook up. For the whole week since, he kept replaying her performance whenever he had free time. When he was doing chores around the basement or setting up for practice, he would constantly hum the chorus of the song, following the singer’s odd, breathy cadence while swinging his hips to the rhythms in his head. It got to a point where it became an earworm for the entire band, and for a while, Geonu decided to ban the song from playing whenever they were together.

“You can’t keep playing Satellite when Alexander Ryback was way better,” Jeongin would bitterly mutter under his breath. He would then pretend to hold a violin and prance around the floorboards, using his light, airy steps to do several failed pirouettes.

Eurovision became the center of your band, and it became a gimmick to put at least one Eurovision song on your setlist—much to your chagrin. On the one hand, you would enjoy the songs that Jeongin would pick, such as “Believe” and Lordi’s “Hard Rock Hallelujah” for your university’s Halloween bash. In those moments, you were into it because you enjoyed the songs. On the other hand, the songs that were often chosen for your gigs were too “poppy,” for lack of a better word. There was not much you can do except keep steady beats intact while you watched Geonu and Jeongin mess around on stage. It was fun watching them get extremely drunk on copious amounts of cheap beer and vodka cranberries, but in the end, you were left performing basic 808s while the rest had their share of fun.

It wasn’t unfair. It was just the way music was evolving. You weren’t much of a connoisseur to begin with as well, so you sucked it up and kept the musical harmony of the band. After all, what was important to you wasn’t the ability to execute flashy fills or steal the stage from the rest of the members. If you wanted that for yourself, then you wouldn’t be in a band in the first place. The sole purpose of forming a group is to produce quality as a collective, not as individuals—as such, you kept your role practical. So long as you sounded good as a band, that meant you were doing your job right.

Maybe that was why you got along with everyone very well. Unlike Sungchan, who had a greedy streak of outdoing Geonu’s vocals with his shrill fills, or Jeongin, who had the opposite problem of staying behind and lowering the volume of his bass on the amp, you kept a good balance between showing off your skills and keeping the band’s overall sound in mind. That dynamic was also reflected in the way you interacted with the rest of the band. When you were with Geonu, you were an agent that showed him humility. You would always slap him in the back without any ill will, making sure he understood that there was no hierarchy in the band.

“We’re not Geonu and friends, you jerk,” You would often say to him while pinching his ears. “We’re Joker In now, and I don’t recall seeing your name at the forefront of our group.”

“My bad, my bad,” Geonu replied, feeling the pain inflicted wherever you pinched him. Sometimes, it would be a drum stick thrown in his direction. When you were feeling generous, you just shook your head and taunted him.

“I could do your job just as well, wanna bet?” You’d ask, pushing him to your drum kit in jest. Geonu could take jokes pretty well, but whenever this threat would reach his ears, he’d often see his life flash before his very eyes. Even if he prided himself in his skills as a multi-instrumentalist, he didn’t want to admit that he was terrible at the drums.

You had a relatively peaceful relationship with Jeongin, owing to the fact that you were both in the same section. As such, you had to parle with Jeongin the most about the musical direction of each song Geonu wrote or translated. Since the genre that you often played with the band was along the lines of contemporary indie rock or pop, you didn’t struggle a lot with learning the songs or creating a soft, basic beat that can go along with Geonu’s vocals and Sungchan’s playing. Jeongin’s case was rather different. Although he was a great bassist that had an impeccable sense of rhythm, he lacked the confidence to properly execute all the bass lines he had in mind. Whenever he felt daunting, it would take him a few drinks or a few words of encouragement until he could finally swallow his insecurities and face Geonu.

“Why are you so scared of that tiny angry man,” You’d often joke, sticking your elbow to Jeongin’s sides. He would look back at you with a flushed and nervous look, scrambling for answers in his fast-paced head while looking back at Geonu.

It’s not to say he was scared of Geonu, because you can’t really be scared of a man who was his height. Rather, Jeongin was intimidated by Geonu’s presence—and you completely understood where that unfounded sentiment came from. Jeongin was the only one who did not have any experience with live performances prior to joining the band. Sungchan had been playing with Geonu since high school, and you paid your dues back in high school when you were forced to play jazz drums in the big band. Sure, you had a bit of a blank when it came to performing live, but it was easy to get back in the motions of it all when you already knew what to do. Jeongin didn’t have the experience; he only had skill. No matter how great he was at the instrument in theory, he often didn’t know what to do once he was on stage. Geonu would have to pull him back an hour before rehearsals and sound check just to tell him to let loose—which ironically wasn’t something anyone could teach.

“Loosen up, kid. You just gotta get out there and play! Don’t think about being perfect or fucking up, because once you do, you mess up. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, so you gotta get in there with good vibes only.”

Jeongin’s gotten better now, but he still shared the same meekness and apprehension when it came to Geonu. You were sure that it’d completely disappear with time, but you weren’t completely confident about the band’s status in a few years. There was a part of you that still considered it a short-term gig—something you’ll eventually grow out of once you graduate from university and get a “real job.” For this reason, you got along with Sungchan quite well.

Another word about Sungchan: Though he had the longest track record of witnessing Geonu’s god complex, he was also someone that didn’t take the band seriously. In fact, your shock persisted to this day when Sungchan drunkenly told you that he planned to leave the band and music altogether after he graduated.

“This is just a hobby for me,” You vaguely remember him saying with overly dilated pupils and languid, hazy steps. “I think I’ll quit when I get my shit together someday.”

It wasn’t until you were four months deep into the band that you realized why Sungchan didn’t want to pursue music forever. At first, you thought it was an uncomfortable, yet silent and covert tension between Sungchan and Geonu. They’ve known each other for so long; it was natural to have disagreements. Then, you realized through Sungchan’s work ethic and his commitment to the Varsity baseball team that he simply had more going for him than a four-piece cover band. He wasn’t the smartest of the bunch, but he was extremely athletic—which was always a plus when it came to the unlikely colliding worlds of mosh pits and Olympic-level stamina.

Joker In often had its moments of explosive fights and passive-aggressive silent treatments, but you wouldn’t have had it any other way. Usually, all it took was for Sungchan to complain that he was hungry, or for Jeongin to take his phone out and plug it into the projector, screening his niche obsession of odd European performances for everyone to see.

Unfortunately for you, though, the topic of today’s fight was around the one thing that should have brought the band together: Food.

“What should we eat tonight?” Geonu asked, adjusting the microphone stand with one hand while scanning the messy, crumpled, and coffee-stained lyric sheet in his hands.

“Pizza?”

“Sungchan, we’ve been having pizza for the past six months. If we order the same shit again I swear I might throw up,”

“Yeah, I’m siding with Jeongin on this one,” You added, leaning your head on Jeongin’s shoulder while clutching your unruly, growling stomach. “Pizza’s just not it right now.”

“Then what the fuck do we order, captain?” Sungchan snapped, heaving a sigh as he groaned in pain.

“Hey, don’t call me that!” Geonu replied and returned the sentiment, scratching his head in frustration and confusion. He looked out at the sky and checked his phone, taking quick glances between all the furniture in the basement. The skies were dark, and the only source of light the band had was the dim, low glow of an ancient, yellow light bulb that was still there before they called the place their studio.

“Didn’t I say we’re all equals here?”

“Well, you’re technically writing all the songs that we’ve played so far, and you’ve been really anal about the solo I’ve considered for Butterflies and Katrina…”

To be fair, Sungchan was right. For the past three weeks or so, Sungchan has tried his best to add more input into the mixing process, but Geonu would either turn his suggestions down or ask him to play quieter in recent gigs. At first, Sungchan could understand the frontman’s qualms; it was never in his best interest for anyone to overshadow each member. However, he disagreed with the way that Geonu played favorites. Two nights ago, he caved in and allowed you to perform a drum solo—but then again, that was out of the request of the audience. You were lucky enough to have half your friend group and the entire law society show up to embarrassingly chant your name over and over again until you had the opportunity to strike. For Jeongin, it was much more forceful. Geonu had been trying to replicate the same charisma that Felix had brought to the band, and as a result, he has given Jeongin complicated bass lines that aren’t the easiest to execute in front of a crowd. Geonu had his own moments as well, but he chalked it up to being the “face” of the band. Disagreements between the two were commonplace, but it wasn’t common to completely diminish Sungchan’s role to basic chords and simple riffs.

“Sungchan, for fuck’s sake,” Geonu replied in his usual tone. “I’m not being anal because I don’t like it. I’m being anal because I know you could come up with something better. This is the same, lazy, cut-and-paste solo that you’ve been playing in every single show so far, and we need more diversity in our tune to get everyone to eventually listen to the stuff we put out.”

“Geon, we’re a cover band. Don’t you ever forget that,” Sungchan chimed. He was sick of hearing Geonu tell him the same thing since they were in high school.

“So? Translation takes a lot of work! Besides, the only reason we’ve gained our following so far is that we do something unique and original that Joker Out don’t do on their shows.”

“Oh please, all the gimmicks you do on stage basically count as stealing. You see fan videos of Bojan online and regurgitate that.”

“Oh? Like what? Please give me an example, because from what I can see, the crowd loves what we already do.”

Usually, all it took was for you and Jeongin to step in and break the two apart. Jeongin would console Geonu on the sidelines, and you would take Sungchan out for a “walk” until he came back with a fresh perspective. Sometimes, it took hours—days, even—for both of them to set their differences aside and swear an oath of momentary truce. However, this was the first time you’ve seen their bickering evolve into a full-fledged fight. You snuck glances between a panicked Jeongin, who slowly unplugged his bass and turned off the amp. He looked like an ostrich that constantly peaked his head in all directions, eyes rapidly scavenging the best time to step in and do what he does best.

“I don’t know? You call our music shagadelic sad boy rock—just like how Joker Out describes themselves,”

“It’s an original word!”

“It’s not if they’re already using it…”

“Guys!” Jeongin finally screamed. “I’m hungry! Can we just postpone this little lover’s quarrel for another time?”

“Jeongin’s right,” You backed up, watching the two attempt to bicker amidst Jeongin’s ear-grating, dolphin-like screech. “We haven’t eaten anything since we arrived, you know? We’ve just been busy going through our setlist like, five or six times. Can’t we just call for a break and get back once we’ve eaten?”

“I hate that you’re always right,” Geonu finally responded after a light, pondering pause. “Pizza?”

Before Geonu could start dialing the usual pizza place’s number on his phone, a light creak bounced back and forth between the gray, cement walls of the basement. It came in little waves, then echoed with a booming shriek. The four of you immediately looked behind you, catching the lanky silhouette of a man wearing an oversized rugby shirt with marinara stains all over its striped pattern. He tipped his cap off and gave all four of you a smile, the very definition of heavy embodied in the soft, yet dense movement of each footstep. He wasn’t even wearing leather boots or platforms; his sneakers seemed to shake the entire room with every step he took. Once you were able to catch a glimpse of the intense redness in his eyes, you finally knew why someone who appeared so light carried such weight with him.

“Oh my god, you scared me, Hee!” You jokingly exclaimed, greeting him with a strong pat on the shoulder. He cocked his head back and forth, giant, glassy eyes adjusting to see the blurriness of your face. Once he was able to stay still, he returned the gesture with a wave that almost knocked him down to the ground.

“You losers didn’t call the shop so I got worried you died or something,” Heeseung said, passing the large box of pizza to Sungchan before slumping his entire body on one of the couches in the studio. “This place looks pretty gnarly, so I kinda expected a horror movie plot going on where one of you goes insane and murders everyone in the room.”

“To be fair, you did come at the right time,” You said, practically shoving a glass of water in Heeseung’s mouth. “Geonu was one step closer to ripping Sungchan’s head off just now.”

“Did you bring the usual?” Sungchan asked, knowing the answer just by the whiff of garlic, tomatoes, and mozzarella that wafted throughout the entire basement.

“Yeah, so every single one of you better pay me back. This was out of pocket.”

“You have the employee’s discount though, so the total price was probably around like, 12,000 won or something,” Jeongin said, trying his best to hold his laughter while taking a slice of pizza out of the box. Whenever Heeseung came with pizza, the war zone between Geonu and Sungchan subsides into a peaceful truce.

“Hey, shit’s brutal lately, okay? I gotta get my money back.”

Heeseung kept his body within the crevices of the old, unwashed couch, sinking his body further and further until he practically disappeared from your current realm of reality. At this rate, you would be surprised if Heeseung could get up and go home on his own. Though he was notorious for smoking copious amounts of weed every day, it wasn’t like him to show up to work completely fried. While the boy had problems with addiction, he was perhaps behind Geonu went it came to self-control and resilience. One time, he was able to quit weed for an entire month to focus on his studies. In those four months, he refused temptation altogether like a patron saint. No matter how many people tried to tempt him with a single puff or a bong rip, he would cover his nose and run away from the room. So far, he’s never caved in during these periods of asceticism.

“Fine, you stingy ass motherfucker,” Geonu replied, opening his phone to send a few Wons to the demanding pothead. “Broke ass bitch.”

“Can I talk to you real quick?” Heeseung suddenly interrupted. His brain shouldn’t be capable of multitasking in his current state, but the addition of money to his bank account was enough for him to forget about collecting his debt from the band.

“If it’s about that guy then I don’t wanna hear it. Besides, that’s all you talk to me about.”

“Beomgyu’s not bad if you give him a chance, trust me.”

Beomgyu. Hearing the name alone was enough for you to reach the same levels of anger that Geonu and Sungchan had just presented. Whenever the topic of Beomgyu came into the conversation, Geonu and Sungchan’s outbursts seemed like nothing but child’s play. While their arguments could easily be solved between a slice of pizza or a pint or two, you could never imagine yourself sitting idly and peacefully at a dining table with Beomgyu.

“Trust you?” You suddenly interjected, anger slowly seeping into your brain with each passing second. “Trust you? The person who gets insanely high and goes to Starbucks because you find the barista cute? No thanks!”

“Hey, man,”

“Don’t hey man me, you prick.”

“But you’re gonna love what I’m about to tell you,” Heeseung shushed, doing his very best to lull your unquenchable temper. The funniest thing to him was how being quick to anger was never in your personality. Throughout all the times that he’s known you, he was sure that it took infinite attempts to get you to at least crack or start getting annoyed—not angry. This was why no matter how much he tried to restrain himself, he couldn’t. It was too much fun watching you explode over some guy that apparently made it his life-long goal to get under your skin as much as possible—the best, or worst part about it is that it worked too well.

“I caught Beomgyu listening to Joker Out lately,” Heeseung started, barely containing the eruption of laughter that was bottled within the confines of his throat. “It’s probably your doing,”

“Of course he would,” You snapped, rolling your eyes at the thought of Beomgyu listening to your band’s idols. “He’s nothing without me,”

“You know what the better part is? He’s trying to learn Slovenian so he can one-up you and see them live in Europe or something,”

“I don’t care,”

“You clearly do,”

When it came to Beomgyu, you were terrible at keeping your temper in check. This was a well-known fact among your bandmates and a funnier gag to Heeseung. While your bandmates tried their best to pretend Beomgyu didn’t exist in your so-called friend group, they counted on Heeseung to spark the dormant anger within you. It’s not as if they were afraid of you, per se. It was more so the idea of taking responsibility; they’d rather let Heeseung take the fall than have you endlessly scream at them throughout practice for even mentioning Beomgyu’s existence. To be fair, they were right. With Sungchan and Geonu, things were simple. Even if they were to start punching each other during practice, everything could be solved if they ordered a slice of pizza. With you, however, things were different. You would endlessly talk about how much you hated Beomgyu regardless of the occasion. Even if there were pizza or expensive tickets to see your favorite band live, you would never let your loathing for Beomgyu come to a timely rest. It was always in the back of your brain, itching to come out at every opportunity you had.

“Look at you, little miss I have to be number one in everything,” Heeseung mocked in his inebriated state. He took a dab pen out of his pocket and inhaled its contents, watching the world around him slow down by the minute as your warped, contorted face continued to deepen its wrinkles. You were tempted to take a huff, but adamantly shook your head in absolute refusal.

“Say that one more time and I’ll hit your already empty head,” You replied, already hitting him a couple of times on the shoulder.

“Ouch,”

“Who the fuck does he think he is?! He’s the one who started this whole thing! I never even wanted it to be this way!”

“Yeah you kinda did,”

“How?!”

“I don’t know? Like, that one time you got angry because he beat you in a project,”

At this point, the band dropped everything to pay attention to Heeseung. He was already somewhat dangerous when he was sober, but he practically had no filter when he was high—which was, to be fair, about ninety percent of his existence. Whenever Heeseung was high, all social filters were removed, allowing him to gain access to all of the things that would incite anger in you. This time, it was the sacred project that sparked the endless rivalry between you and Beomgyu. The band knew to keep their mouths shut around the topic to maintain the peace that they kept between you, but Heeseung? The word peace itself didn’t seem to exist whenever he was too high to even think about what he would order at Starbucks.

“Well, that’s because he kept rubbing it in my face! I wanted to congratulate him!”

“He told me you got this close to beating him up in the lecture hall,” Heeseung replied, failing to contain the large grin that was permanently etched on his face. “One of the TAs practically had to grab you before you swung your knuckles in his face.”

“Well, that’s because he kept being annoying about it! He said I got a good mark because I sucked the professor’s dick!”

“You should know him by now, though. He has no filter.”

“But he said it like he meant it,”

“Yeah… about that…”

Even if Heeseung was, indeed, high, he was not a snitch—at least, he believed himself to be a man of his word. Even if tormenting you with talks of Beomgyu was one of his favorite forms of entertainment, what he refused to tell you was that Beomgyu was doing it out of his weird ways of telling you he had the hots for you. Heeseung didn’t know much about Beomgyu, to begin with, but to him, obsession in all forms was a pure sign of attraction.

“Look, I think you two just need to lock yourselves in a room and fuck,” Geonu interrupted, rolling his eyes at the scene playing in front of him. A part of him enjoyed watching you lose your cool at a single man that couldn’t even utter proper insults correctly. Whenever Geonu had the displeasure of seeing you and Beomgyu fight, he ironically laughed at the two of you without realizing that it was pretty much a reflection of his own battles with Sungchan.

“Hee’s right,” Jeongin quietly muttered, breaking his silence after devouring the last pizza slice. “I think you just need to get laid.”

“Excuse me?” You replied, mouth agape at the thought that Jeongin out of all people would call you out in your endless musings towards Beomgyu. “For your information, I do get some.”

“Oh really? When?” Sungchan joked. “When was the last time you fucked?”

“Last month!”

“Rebounds don’t count.”

“Yes, they do!”

“No, they don’t.”

A word about your rebound: it didn’t count. It was just a quick hate fuck with an ex that you haven’t talked to in three years. There was no preamble; it was action without thought. You didn’t even bother asking for her contact information after, and the two of you parted ways in mutual acknowledgement to never cross paths again. In that sense, it didn’t count.

“Anyway, you better sort whatever beef you got going on with Beomgyu out. It’s getting really annoying watching you two fight all the time.” Heeseung said, taking another puff out of his dab pen once he started to feel the ground on his feet again.

“Why is it up to me to fix things?! As I’ve said so many times before, he’s the one who started this whole mess!”

“Sure…”

“Why don’t you guys believe me?!”

“Have you seen yourself?” Geonu interrupted, scratching his head at your poor attempts at salvaging your once calm demeanor. “You’re like, little miss perfect. You’re in like, a million different student clubs, you’re volunteering around campus to the point where you live there—hell, you’re even running for student government this year.”

“Well, that’s because I need to! I need my resume to look good or else I’ll be unemployed for the rest of my life! It’s not like I’m doing so much because Beomgyu does a lot too!” You rebuked, treating the basement like a criminal court. So far, all the witnesses acted as judges with a gavel, striking each of their hammers down to denounce your alibi. Even if you believed you were right, it was up to them to recite the final verdict: Sure enough, you were guilty. Guilty of the vice that is competitiveness.

“I mean, I believe you when you say that, but you have to admit that you’ve been overworking yourself since you met the guy like, three years ago,” Sungchan admitted, shuffling his feet towards you to give you gentle pats on your back.

“No I haven’t!”

“Listen,” Geonu started with a deep sigh. “You’re in varsity, you’re in charity, you almost joined a cult, you’re in debates, you used to be a senior editor for the school paper, you completed your internship like last month, you’re acing all your classes, you’re in the administrative board for your faculty’s association, and you’re in Joker In. That’s overkill, and I’m betting my dick on you not doing this much had you not met Beomgyu.”

“He just brings out the worst in me!” You screamed to no avail. This was the dead end of your court case, and you had to leave the basement without the last word.

“He brings out the private school overachiever in you that’s for sure,” Heeseung joked, his pupils consuming the whites of his eyes until they were overly expanded like obsidian marbles.

“That was so uncalled for, Hee. Put a trigger warning before you make my PTSD worse,”

“Sorry, princess, didn’t realize that going to a super rich private school would be the same as surviving the Korean War,”

“Get the fuck out, Hee.”

You had to stand your ground. Every single time the conversation led to Beomgyu, you were always seen as enemy number one. To be fair, you were the more aggressive out of the two of you. While Beomgyu limited himself to crass insults, you elevated the threat of physical assault and a free boxing match for all of the university to see. Sure, it wasn’t your intention to want to beat him up into a neat, fine pulp, but there was something about Beomgyu that always made you so violent.

“And tell Beomgyu that he’s a prick!” You shouted, after finally managing to push an incredibly high Heeseung out the door. Through the small cracks that you left open, you could see him stumbling on his feet as he began to walk away, waving your figure off with a haughty grin. As always, he left his hat in your basement, and once you descended to the meeting point, you picked it up and threw it out of the broken glass windows, watching it swing back and forth between its sharp shards.

“You two really need to see a marriage counselor or something,” Geonu whispered, watching your rage slowly disperse into your usual calm.

“Geonu’s right, and I rarely agree with that cunt,” Sungchan added, attempting to flail his elongated arms on Geonu’s shoulders.

“Hey! We’ve been playing together for centuries and this is how you repay me?”

“My bad, captain,”

“I think you two need to go to couples therapy instead of them,” Jeongin interrupted, using his thin, fox-like eyes to slyly look at the pair. “I mean, you guys have been at it since high school. They’ve only been at it for like, three years.”

“Thank you, Jeongin. Thank you.”

As always, it was up to Jeongin to fix things whenever the entire band was on the brink of disbandment. For Jeongin, though, it was another stressful addition to his reluctant ventures as a member of Joker In. First, it was his anxieties about keeping Felix’s legacy after he left. Then, it was helping you mitigate the couple’s quarrels that Geonu and Sungchan always found themselves in. Now, it was helping you calm down after the mere mention of Beomgyu’s existence.

“Anyway, let’s get back to practice. Rhythm first,” Geonu snapped. The one thing about him that made him an efficient frontman was his ability to gather the team back into practice. No matter how many times he’d often want to throw his microphone stand in Sungchan’s face or duct tape your mouth shut whenever Heeseung would come in and deliberately bring Beomgyu up, he had faith that the entire band would succumb to obedience once he took control.

“Why?” Jeongin grumbled. To his detriment, Geonu had asked the rhythm section to double their practice time for the past week. At first, he didn’t really see an issue with this, but now, he was skeptical. You, too, shared the same sentiment, looking at Jeongin in confusion before reluctantly shrugging your shoulders and picking your drum sticks from the floor.

“I have to talk to Sungchan about something important,”

With this, you gave Geonu a salute and watched the two climb up from the basement and disappear altogether. Once they were gone, you started to hit your sticks together, counting from two as you waited for Jeongin to play the backing track.

As for Geonu and Sungchan, they eased into the abandoned kitchen of the rustic house, watching Heeseung’s slumped, sleeping figure on the broken couch. They made sure to drop him home before you finished your round with Jeongin, and they hurried to one of the care packages they’d often pack for a bottle of water.

“How do we tell her that Beomgyu’s been sneaking into our gigs?” Geonu asked in a hushed voice, his ears turned to the direction of the stairs that led into the basement.

“I mean, I don’t think we need to tell her,” Sungchan replied. “It’s gonna ruin the band and everything we’ve got going for us so far.” He nonchalantly took a sip of his water and took a quick glance at Heeseung, who was knocked out cold.

“What do you mean? I think she deserves to know so the two of them can finally fix things,”

“Geon, it’s not that easy,”

“How would you know?”

“I don’t, but I can tell,” Sungchan muttered, trying to keep his already quiet voice even lower. “It’s probably just them blowing some steam off because they couldn’t find a way to do it before,”

“Hate fucking?” Heeseung joked, keeping one eye open before slumping back down into the comforts of the smelly, tic-ridden couch. Geonu also reminded himself to tell Heeseung to visit the doctor and take a long shower once he got home.

“Not quite,” Sungchan said, returning the sentiment while walking towards Heeseung with another bottle of water. “You know, if you think about it, both of them come from a pretty well-to-do background. They’re both in the same program, and from what I sort of know about her situation and from what I can guess about Beomgyu, they’re both just facing the consequences of overbearing tiger parents,”

“What did she tell you?” Geonu asked. He was always one for good gossip. Unfortunately, Sungchan wasn’t.

“That’s not my story to tell, I’m just trying to see it from her perspective,”

“So we don’t tell her?” Geonu asked again, rolling his eyes at Sungchan’s tight-lipped nature.

“I mean, if she finds out, then she finds out. Just let it happen on its own.”

“And how do we make sure that nothing too messy happens in our gigs?”

“I don’t know, let them fight it off if it happens,” Sungchan muttered after a long, quiet thought. He’s thought about the scenario one too many times, but he wasn’t one to stop the inevitable. “It’s good to let all that pent-up frustration out I guess…”

“You’re too nice, Sung.”

“I know, Geon. I know.”

“What?! Come again?!”

For Heeseung to call Beomgyu’s voice a scream was an understatement. If a dolphin were to learn to speak, it would sound better than Beomgyu whenever the topic surrounded you and your entire being. It was for this reason that Heeseung sometimes loathed the idea of coming home; he supposed the price of free rent came at a cost of living with the earthly incarnation of wrath.

“Gyu, I know you heard me the first time,” Heeseung said, attempting to cover his ears to no avail.

“Oh, I’m sorry, Hee. My ears are getting bad from hearing her name!” Beomgyu screamed again, fury visible in the twitches of his eyes.

“Jesus, you don’t have to shout at me… I’m just your messenger boy,”

“And I don’t need to hear about her! So what if she’s playing their songs? She’s probably gonna fuck it all up anyway…”

“Says the person who went to their gig two nights ago,”

In the same way Heeseung knew all the tricks and tactics to turn you into a red, fuming ball of anger, he also knew how to push all of Beomgyu’s buttons. Then again, it wasn’t that difficult to get Beomgyu angry, for Beomgyu was the type of person to get angry at a mere fly that happened to land on his shoulder. It was very easy to tick Beomgyu off, but only you had the power to get him into a continual period of rage that never ceased to disappear the moment he hears your name or catches a whiff of your scent. Heeseung wouldn’t compare Beomgyu’s so-called hatred towards you in a predator-prey dynamic—to him, both of you were blood-thirsty warlords that could never come to terms with a ceasefire to the detriment of the rest of the world.

“Hee, I swear, if you told her that—”

“Don’t worry, Gyu. I’m not a snitch.” Heeseung interrupted. “What I am, though, is a messenger boy, and if I’m being honest with you, I’m getting sick of my job. Just admit that you like her and I don’t know? Go fuck her or something,”

“Hee, I don’t like her. Let me correct myself: I will never like her. I like her band, not her.”

Beomgyu was an enigma in many, many ways, but what never failed to amuse Heeseung about his reluctant roommate was how hatred was stronger than attraction or any feelings of love. Beomgyu was the type of person to go through lovers like a page in a novel—fast, yet detailed, but never stuck on the same page for too long. And yet, when it came to you, he seemed to be an avid reader that ceaselessly consumed and repurposed every page of a novel, adding and subtracting everything that he could concentrate all of his energy on understanding the layers and complexities of a text revered by schools and institutions alike.

“All you talk about is how impeccable the mastering is on the drums whenever you listen to their SoundCloud…”

“So? I just happen to like how she plays. That’s not a testament to me liking her,”

“Why do you hate her so much, Gyu? I don’t think I’ve had the chance to properly ask,”

Heeseung never had the chance to ask Beomgyu out of fear, even when he was high. That was the one thing that never went away no matter what state he was in. To be fair, he had every right to be scared or fearful in any shape or form; he’s never seen a type of hatred as intense and raw as the one Beomgyu harbored over you.

“Because she exists, Hee. She exists.”

“Can’t you just let it go?”

“No, I can’t.”

“Why not?”

Beomgyu took a deep breath. He hated that he always ran out of something so essential to life whenever you came up. “Because some dipshit keeps telling my parents that she’s basically beating me in everything! Her!”

“So…?” Heeseung replied, rolling his eyes at the underwhelming result of their rivalry. “Why can’t you just tell them to shut up and mind their own business?”

“I wish it was that easy, Hee. God, I wish. Every time they call me it’s like Oh that girl got number one again! Oh that girl’s president of the law society, why are you VP external? Beomgyu-yah, why can’t you be better?”

Another word about Choi Beomgyu: If it wasn’t as clear as day, then it would be helpful to explain it now. He was from a well-to-do family with no financial obligations or the threat of living a brooding, middle-class life chasing paycheck after paycheck to sustain the bare necessities in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. With this in mind, Heeseung begins to paint a kaleidoscopic diagram of the various reasons why Beomgyu may be so hung up on always being number two against you. He closed his eyes, allowed the remaining traces of cannabis to set the cogs in his brain into motion, and came up with an epiphany that shook him to the core: Beomgyu was a bored, rich kid that needed something to keep him at his toes, and you were the very stimulant that he was looking for. Sure, it was, in a sense, an underwhelming conclusion, but Heeseung could only digress. He wasn’t born into a family that had it all, and he reckons that if he didn’t have to worry about his finances, he would end up being a bratty, bored student out for blood just like the very person that offered him a taste of wealth in a sky-high apartment.

“Yikes… Talk about Tiger King and Queen…”

“So yeah, it is personal.” Beomgyu spat. It would be rude to call the boy tone deaf—especially in his hot-headed state. Heeseung kept his mouth shut, something that he rarely did when he was inebriated in any form.

“You don’t have to tell them about her, you know?” He asked after finding the right words to say. Beomgyu rolled his eyes and huffed under his breath, his hands twitching to throw his phone off the balcony.

“I’m not! That’s the point! I’m not telling them about her! They’re just stalking me on their own!”

At this moment, Heeseung thought of trying his best to reconcile the bad blood between you and Beomgyu. Then again, he pondered—another thing he never seems to do. If he were to succeed in getting you and Beomgyu to set your respective differences aside, then he wouldn’t have his very own source of entertainment anymore. As much as he would’ve hated to admit, he always looked forward to getting high just to hear Beomgyu complain about you. What made it even funnier to him was how you were nothing like the devil that Beomgyu pictured. It wasn’t to say you were an angel that descended from the heavens, either. You were, in fairness, just an average university student that couldn’t—and shouldn’t—care less about a rich boy that endlessly yapped about you. Without Beomgyu in the picture, you were just a drummer that had to deal with another pair of noisy rivals that needed to go to some form of couple’s therapy.

“Hee, you don’t get it, do you?” Beomgyu suddenly spoke, breaking the short-lived silence that Heeseung tried to salvage.

“Afraid not.”

“I can’t get along with someone like her. I just can’t. She gets on my nerves, and I wish she didn’t exist!”

It was common for Heeseung to hear Beomgyu complain about his parents and his brother in the few months or so of him living with the boy. In fact, it was a routine for Heeseung to hear Beomgyu complain. That was what he was good at, and he was glad that he was putting his skills to good use by choosing the right program and career path. Now that Heeseung had the chance to picture it, Beomgyu would make a fine lawyer, incessantly nagging his way through each court case until the jury rules in his favor so he would shut up.

“Jesus, you rich kids are kind of an ick…” Heeseung whispered. He gave Beomgyu a quick wave and headed straight to the balcony, closing it to see his roommate flash him the middle finger. He returned it with a smile, and fished a lighter out of his jean pocket to light the stem of a dirty, unwashed bong that was filled with beer instead of water.

“You should be lucky I’m letting you live here for free,” Beomgyu mouthed through the glass windows just enough for Heeseung to see.

“Yeah, I guess hearing you pine about a fellow overachiever and trauma dump about your terrible childhood is better than paying for rent,” Heeseung replied, opening the door to let Beomgyu into the balcony. Beomgyu hated it whenever Heeseung would smoke. A part of it came from the stench that stuck to his hair and clothes despite three laundry loads in the washing machine, and another part came from his irrational fear of anything related to drugs—which was rather odd since he was the type of person who was pretty loose when it came to drinking copious amounts of alcohol at social gatherings.

“Hee, if I go to jail one day, you’ll probably be out of this earth to witness it.”

“Oh, I’m so scared!”

Heeseung tried his best to stifle a bout of laughter that began to accumulate in his lungs but to no avail. In an instant, he was a laughing mess with red-laced eyes, and all Beomgyu could do was cover his nose as the hooded boy continued to blow smoke on his face.

“Close the fucking door when you smoke, you’re hotboxing the entire apartment,” Beomgyu screamed, storming out of the balcony to close the glass windows shut. Before he could go back to his room, Heeseung stood up and opened the door again, letting the stench of weed laced with moldy beer enter the ventilation system.

“You should try it sometime, Gyu. It’d loosen the stick up your ass for sure,” Heeseung said with a languid touch to his cadence. Every word and movement he uttered was met with heavy restraint, and Beomgyu knew that Heeseung wasn’t on earth anymore.

“Are you coming?” Beomgyu asked. He knew there was nothing he could do to reason with someone that was properly baked.

“To what?” Heeseung responded, almost shattering the bong in his hands as he languidly danced back into the apartment.

“Joker In’s gig tonight,” Beomgyu said reluctantly—almost too quick for Heeseung to catch.

“Gyu, I deliver their pizza like, every day. I don’t need to go there again unless they give me shrooms for free.”

“Whatever,”

Beomgyu stormed off into the bathroom to grab the essentials that he relied on for the perfect disguise: a disappearing can of Manic Panic hair dye in neon red, a pair of scissors and a bunch of razorblades that he used to tear his jeans and his tank tops, a pencil of kohl eyeliner that he stole from one of his first hookups during freshman year, and a near-empty bottle of black nail polish. Heeseung often joked about how his so-called “disguise” was just a blast from the MySpace, scene-girl past, but Beomgyu refuses to admit that his go-to look to your gigs was less-than-perfect. He’s snuck into your gigs since he saw you secretly put posters of a Valentine’s bash on every crevice of the law faculty; he was sure a couple more gigs couldn’t hurt before the inevitable occurs.

“You’re going alone?” Heeseung asked, waving at his reflection in the mirror while trying his best to stop himself from uncontrollably laughing.

“Yeah, why?”

“What if she sees you?”

“Have you seen her play? She only focuses on rubbing two sticks. I doubt she’d even notice me.” Beomgyu replied, sharpening his eyeliner. Heeseung knocked the bottle of nail polish and caught it, a wide grin of pride on his face as he carefully placed it back in its original position near the sink.

“See? You’re constantly horny for her,”

“I’m not, she’s ugly and she’s annoying,”

“And yet you’re going to her gig,”

“Man, shut the fuck up.” To Beomgyu’s surprise, this had become his way of saying goodbye to Heeseung whenever he would go to your band’s gig. He used to push Heeseung out of the bathroom so he could concentrate on applying eyeliner on his waterline, but he’s become desensitized to the stings that he would feel when he would accidentally poke his eyes. Sometimes, Heeseung was willing to help Beomgyu apply red dye to his hair, tracing the lines of his tattoos around his arms and calling them crude shapes such as dick nozzle or pee pee stains. Whether he liked it or not, it had unfortunately become a ritual to have Heeseung with him when he was going through his transformation, and now, he was afraid that Heeseung’s absence wouldn’t give him the push and comfort he needed to go through with his covert operation to see you play the drums.

“I’m calling out to you, I wish I could hide,

Oh, no one loves me tonight

It’s just my demons and I,”

This was supposedly the hundredth time that Beomgyu had seen Geonu sing, but he could never learn from his mistakes. Alcohol, nicotine, and Geonu’s voice seemed to give Beomgyu the worst cross-faded experience of his life. Contrary to what others might believe, Beomgyu felt like this during all of Joker In’s gigs because Geonu was too good at his job. His voice had an enchanting quality to it that made Beomgyu’s walls collapse into putty, turning the decrepit paint-job of the basement into one, giant quicksand that continually pulled Beomgyu in. It didn’t help that the rest of the band amplified Geonu’s hypnotic timbre; Sungchan’s guitar acted as a second voice that harmoniously meshed with the mystic melodies that left Beomgyu in a trance-like reverie; Jeongin’s bass didn’t act as a stabilizer with its own heavy renditions of weightless bliss—and, of course, you.

Suspension of disbelief was something that Beomgyu thought he could never accomplish, and yet, the moment you started to strike each tom with your drum stick, he knew that everything in his life didn’t matter to him anymore. He supposes it was the power of music, but he also hatefully admits that your skills carried an unbreakable spell with each note you hit. Rhythm wasn’t even something he particularly enjoyed, seeing as most of the music he listened to was melodic and lyrical in nature. It was only when you took the seat to the drum kit that he was finally able to stand close to the speakers, in the very corner he saved for himself, just to see your tireless figure effortlessly match the energy of the rest of the band. He didn’t know what it was that made him nearly obsessed with the way you played: What it the nonchalance you brought to the stage? Or was it the fills you’d add here and there whenever there was an instrumental break? Was it perhaps the almost-melodic nature of your playing that aroused not just him, but everyone in the room into a mosh-pit frenzy? Maybe it was the way you looked when you played—but he wasn’t drunk enough just yet to admit something so… raunchy.

The walls started to fade one by one, and the group of people that crowded all corners of the basement slowly blended together into various forms and colors. The neon, old gray test lights that dyed the room in a diverse spectrum of colors swirled into one, hazy, hypnotic vision that almost made Beomgyu nauseous. Geonu’s voice began disappearing into thin air, and all he could hear was the muffled bass drum that you kicked with patterned intervals.

This was out of the norm, and Beomgyu’s recklessness amplified into tenfolds of fear. He couldn’t feel the sensations of his skin anymore; his eyes continued to swirl into an amalgamation of colors and people that looked like blurry amoebas; time seemed difficult to track as everything was moving too fast and slow for him to ground himself; each body he bumped into felt like he was getting crushed under its weight; Beomgyu couldn’t breathe; Beomgyu couldn’t see anything anymore; the only thing that Beomgyu could hear was an all too familiar voice that he wasn’t sure he hated or loved.

“Hey, you alright?”

When Beomgyu opened his eyes, he was outside the concert venue, crouched down on the same levels of the tall grass that tickled his face. His cheeks felt cold to the touch, almost as if someone had thrown a bucket of ice water on him. He felt through his hair and tried to contain the fear that embraced his body, locked in a state of panic at the sight of bright red staining his palms. It took a while for him to realize that it was just the temporary dye that he’d placed on his hair, but the apprehension and trepidation came to haunt him again when he looked up to see your concerned, glassy eyes.

“You don’t look too good,” You repeated, kneeling down to his level as you lit a cigarette and blew the smoke against his direction. There were several empty water bottles next to you, coupled with an entire cooler filled with soft drinks, fruit juice, and whatever Beomgyu could see in the dimly lit outdoors of the outskirts of town.

“No, I’m fine.” He breathlessly replied, staring down at the soles of his scuffed, leather combat boots. There was no way he could look up now. He could tell that you weren’t convinced; your chuckles made the pits of his stomach dance with the bile that was piling up in the organ. You took a water bottle and gently held his face in the soft surface of your palms, letting the liquid slowly refresh the corners of Beomgyu’s mouth. The haziness that he felt in his vision slowly dispersed into clarity—which worsened the nausea that overwhelmed Beomgyu in waves. It was the first time he got this close to you without wanting to rip your head off. He didn’t know how he felt about it, but the remnants of alcohol that swirled throughout his bloodstream made his cheeks flush in a bright shade of red. He quickly took the water bottle away from you, drowning himself in its cool temperature. Maybe that way, he would wake up and remind himself that you shouldn’t be a friend.

The cool winds of the summer night grazed his cheeks in a tender embrace as he tried his best to keep his head down. He relentlessly prayed that the dimness of the venue’s entrance would hide his worst-kept features from you, fearing for the worst. Ever since his first visit to your band’s gig, he’s never felt something so close to a palpable sense of freedom—a euphoric high that gave him the taste of being a carefree young adult caught up in the fast times of rock music and decadence. He’s thought about making amends just to keep his little, secret sanctuary intact, but his stubborn pride wouldn’t allow him to yield to someone like you. Now that he was sober enough to think about it, he found the irony behind you embodying both his shackles to parental approval and a one-way ticket to liberation quite laughably fascinating. During the day, you were the very picture of something his parents wished he could be, and during the night, you had all the qualities of becoming a musician he idolized. He cursed fate under his breath, wishing that you weren’t blessed with the gifts of intelligence and innate leadership skills. He refused to admit it, but in another life where all you were to him was a drummer in his favorite band, he would’ve given you the benefit of the doubt and let you into his life.

He was reminded of your presence when you hovered a thin, white stick in front of him that glowed within the vast darkness of the night sky. He politely refused, shaking his head as a way to tell you that he didn’t smoke. You stifled a bout of laughter and tucked the cigarette back into its flimsy, dilapidated box, taking a languid seat next to the boy that you decided to take care of without realizing that he was the main source of your misery in your school life.

“What was the last song that you guys performed? I think I missed it because I blacked out or something,” Beomgyu asked with slight hesitance.

“A new version of Vem Da Greš that Geonu translated a few days ago,” You replied, humming the tune to the song that he wished he saw you play live. Something inside of him was telling him that he shouldn’t stay here any longer, so he got up and stretched his arms and legs, callously calculating his angles so you wouldn’t see a single hint of his face. He reveled in your denseness but despised your natural amiability. Once you got up and mimicked his stretches, he turned his head back and stuffed his hand in his jean pocket, fishing for his keys as he mustered a small goodbye in your direction.

“Are you sure you can go home alone?” You asked. “I can drop you off at the bus stop or something, since this place is pretty far out from the nearest city,”

A part of Beomgyu knew that the city lights would reveal his identity, but another part of him also knew how stubborn you can be. Even if he were to tell you that he was fine, and that he’s been known to rely on drunk navigation a lot, he was sure you would ceaselessly insist on taking him home. That was another thing he hated about you—you were too nice, too caring, and too kind to be his rival.

“I’ll be fine,” Beomgyu replied, trying his best to change the tone and cadence of his usual voice. As expected, your cackles echoed across the large stretches of grass and greeneries that surrounded the abandoned house that your band inherited, and you slowly walked closer to his side to poke his shoulders.

“You were literally wobbling around the basement, and if it weren’t for a nice group of girls that nursed you back to health at the sofa, you wouldn’t be here standing up to go home,”

Beomgyu covertly checked the time on his phone, afraid that the phone case filled with his cards and IDs would give his identity away. The time read 03:46 A.M., and he heaved a long, drawn-out sigh. He should’ve called Heeseung a little earlier to pick him up before he got absolutely wasted. In fairness, he could just call an Uber and hitch a ride home, but the transaction would raise another round of suspicion for his parents. He already had enough to worry about when he turned off his location and lied about going on weekly hiking trips with his friends, and he didn’t want to subject himself to another endless lecture and the threat of heightened surveillance from his parents.

“Fine,”

You jogged back to the venue and quickly came out with several water bottles in your small backpack, tossing one in Beomgyu’s direction. It was already bad enough for him that you out of all people saved him from his drunken downfall. The last thing he needed to end his night was to go on a long walk back into the city with someone he was supposed to hate.

“So, where do you live, if I may ask?”

Beomgyu pondered. He didn’t have to tell you his exact address. “Around Mapo-gu, near Mapo station.”

“Oh?”

He didn’t like the lack of response on your end. A low, vibrating hum escaped your lips, and you snapped your fingers as your mouth widened in amusement. “That’s where my friend lives! I can ask him to pick you up once we get there!”

You quickly took your phone out of your pocket and held it in your ear, too quick for Beomgyu to protest and stop you from doing so. Now, he was sure it was all over. The moment he heard the receiver pick up, he braced himself for what was to come.

“Hee, are you awake right now?” You asked, impatiently tapping your foot on the concrete roads that led to the only bus stop in sight—a shadowy silhouette of a thin, metal pipe with a flat circle that read Supsok Village Complex 2. He took a quick glance at your fretful stance, fidgeting with the straps of your phone’s drum keychain while fiddling with the pair of sticks that were lodged under the straps of your loose, billowy joggers. A satisfied hum huffed out of his breathless mouth when he saw you irately throw your phone inside your backpack. Even if Heeseung didn’t pick him up from the venue tonight, he knew that he could always rely on his copious cannabis routine to fall into a deep, unyielding sleep around this hour.

“I’m sorry, my friend’s a bit of a pothead so he’s probably knocked out cold or something,” You apologetically muttered. I would know, he’s my fucking roommate, Beomgyu thought to himself, returning your regretful sentiment with the only form of forgiveness he was willing to give you. Now, it was just the two of you, and Beomgyu had no clue if he should take the long, arduous hike back to his apartment or be thankful enough for your clumsy attempts at assisting him back to his domicile. The fact that he leaned towards succumbing to your aid made him realize that he wasn’t as good with alcohol as he would’ve liked—and now, he was sitting right next to you, eyes glued on his warped reflection in the glass windows as he watched you idly fidget in your seat. He was more than willing to suffer through the entire bus ride to his area of town in awkward silence, but judging from the way you tapped your feet and snuck quick glances between his brows and the tip of his nose, he knew that there was no escaping your desires for a tangible conversation.

“So… did you enjoy the show?” You asked after passing through six different bus stops. Beomgyu played with the loose hems of his tattered tank top, letting the seams go undone. He didn’t expect you to take your hoodie off in one motion, tossing it to the side of his neck as you quickly looked away. He tried his best to etch the rare shyness he saw written on your curved, cat-like spine; this was definitely something he’ll be bullying you for tomorrow.

Was he at fault for catching you in your most vulnerable state? No. You were just too dense to realize that the handsome, messy, rocked-out, drunk stranger right next to you was the very bane of your existence.

Beomgyu’s glory was short-lived, though. Now, he had to make the move. He remembered what his brother had taught him back in middle school, when Beomgyu was still struggling through incessant voice cracks and embarrassing one-liners that he’d religiously recite to get the girl of his then-dreams to bat a single eyelash in his direction. Step one, take a deep breath—because oxygen is the key to looking good, apparently. Step two, expand the diaphragm to fill the ribcage and beyond. It provided the facade of chest muscles. Step three, turn the chin low enough so the vocal cords could only register low notes—he didn’t know the science behind it, but he found that doing these three steps immensely lowered his already low, baritone voice into unknown depths (Beomgyu would like to add that he would never do this sober. It took courage for him to fall for his brother’s tricks, and he was only ever so courageous when he was drowned in eighteen glasses of tequila sunrise).

“Y-yeah, you guys did great as always,” Did it work?

No, it didn’t. The timid shyness in your slouched stature was gone, replaced with your best attempts at keeping your laughter within the confines of your throat. He couldn’t tell if you were choking on air, stifling your dinner and pushing it back into your stomach, or suffering through an intense, sharp pain in your abdomen. All he knew at the moment was that the tension that was once present in the air instantly dispelled into the flowery picture of two young adults failing to hold their laughter back in the empty seats of the night bus. It was certainly an odd experience for Beomgyu to not just share a ride home with someone he would very much murder in the confines of an empty, night bus, but he couldn’t deny how right things felt at the moment. Within the dim, flickering fluorescent lights of the shaky bus, all he could see was another universe through the reflections of the glass windows—a universe where he met you under different circumstances. A different reality where he would take you home and house you in his apartment, watching sad movies in his bedroom until the first sunrise.

Are you more of an action person, or comedy? My favorite genre is melodrama, he wanted to say. Maybe in his “new” identity as a faux washed-up youth in leather combat boots and ripped jeans, he might have some leeway into managing his double life. Tirelessly hating you for three years straight certainly added tired him out, so perhaps it would be a new thing to try

“Ah, a repeater,”

“That’s… odd? I don’t see you around a lot, though,” You replied. It was often common for your band to track and befriend those that constantly attend your shows—then again, you weren’t the best judge of that. Each gig always ended in

“That’s because I don’t stick around after the encore. I just leave once the song is done,” Beomgyu replied, trying his best to alter the tone in his voice. He couldn’t tell if you were just extremely tired or if you had too much to drink, but the deep swirls of colors under your lids was enough for him to feel a sense of security in his identity being under wraps. Just like the milkiness of the dark skies that danced with several shades of navy, you swayed back and forth with the motions of the car, heavy lids slowly going in and out of sleep as you tried your best to stifle a yawn and pay attention to your somewhat new companion. The driver announced the last stop, acting as an alarm for you to slap yourself in the face and hop off your seat.

To be fair, both of you were in an equal state of fatigue and inebriation. Beomgyu was waddling as he tried to balance himself on the railings of the exit door, and you placed your weary palm on the semi-wet surface of the bus, momentarily taking it away after the driver had angrily beeped at you until you did so. Once the bus zoomed away, you felt a wave of nausea hit you—at first, it began at the back of your stomach, then, it slowly climbed its way up until you were hunched over at the nearest sewer, coughing out everything that was supposed to fuel you for a one-hour set. Beomgyu turned away and reluctantly placed gentle pats on the small of your back, hiding his face from the city lights that threatened to blow his cover off.

“My apartment is this way,” He muttered. You nodded after a few rounds of coughing, then doused yourself with the last water bottle that was inside your backpack.

“Mine’s on the other end of the street,” You replied, wiping your mouth with your jacket and quickly waving off his concerns with a tired grin. He couldn’t imagine the toll it took on you, or any musician for that matter, to play intense, fast-paced songs back to back without any rest, but perhaps that type of stamina was what it took to become a professional of sorts. Maybe that was also why you were such a feisty fighter, because you needed the energy to carry yourself throughout the day.

“See you around?” You asked. He didn’t turn to look at you. He simply stood still, lowering his head until all he saw were the messy, beer-stained surface of the degrading leather in his combat boots. He gave you a quick nod, then stuffed his sweat-ridden hands in his jean pockets. Somehow, he could still feel your presence lurking around, waiting idly until he entered the apartment. It wasn’t until he was within the comforts of his building, swiftly jogging up to the elevator, that you began to walk away. Through the large, glass windows of the apartment building, you were but a mere ant, eyes lingering on the path he took as if it were a complex maze. He could see you taking quick glances between your road and his, a satisfied smile on your face as soon as you confirmed that he was, indeed, safely home. That was another thing he hated about you. There was no need for you to have gone that far to make sure a stranger from your gig got home without getting mugged.

He didn’t need to be cautious when he opened the door to his apartment. Heeseung was already fast asleep on the sofa, strewn with empty bags of potato chips and bags of Starbucks takeout that he probably went out to get once Beomgyu had left to go to Joker In’s show. In his current state, it was practically impossible for him to get up and pick Beomgyu up. Beomgyu was pretty much used to ending his night with the role of a babysitter, but now, he didn’t feel like he had the energy to keep up with his routine. Heeseung could probably manage fine on his own, and Beomgyu desperately needed a cold shower to refresh his head at the unexpected encounter. God, she’s so fucking dense, Beomgyu thought, smiling to himself as he plopped his body on the warm, soft surface of his duvet. The shower will have to wait until the morning, and until then, he didn’t mind the extra load of laundry that came with massive spots of red dye on his pillowcases.

II. VOTE NO.24 ON EUROVISION! GO SLOVENIA!

To your luck, Geonu didn’t announce a practice session today. Normally, the band was privy to five hours of practice every single day—including the weekends. A part of it came from Geonu’s penchant for perfection, but another came from the growing bond that the band had developed over time. While Geonu and Sungchan didn’t necessarily need more time together, the daily sessions helped the entire band get to know each other and experiment with compatibility in the most esoteric way possible. In your first sleepover with the band at the eerie, decrepit basement (Heeseung would call it a horror movie set), you were able to call Jeongin a friend after he gently sat you through one of your first acid trips, gripping your hands tight as you endlessly cried about the visions and voices that still manage to chain themselves in your nightmares to this day. Another thing you learned about Jeongin that day was that he had a problem with mushrooms during high school, only quitting in his second year after an intervention that led him spiraling into a near-death experience of impulsively taking his car out in the middle of the night. You didn’t ask him for the specifics, nor did you mention that you were surprised that someone like him had gone through rehab, but you learned that Jeongin had trusted you with his story.

“Believe it or not, but Eurovision was what got me through that entire ordeal,” You remembered Jeongin telling you at some point. He was confined in a psychiatric ward for nearly a month, his schedule and time dictated through therapy sessions, group activities, and worksheets that he haphazardly filled. He also told you that time passed differently when one was locked inside the same, white walls every day, and so the only time started to move for him was when the person next to him invited him to watch several Eurovision performances in preparation for the finals in Rotterdam two years ago.

“I knew nothing about Europe then, but the guy next to me was married to a Swedish woman for a decade before she passed. They made it a routine to watch Eurovision every year, and he still tries his best to keep up with it even when she’s gone.”

You expected him to mention Maneskin as the band that got him through his slump, but Jeongin was a man full of surprises. For someone with beady, glassy eyes and a geekish demeanor, you didn’t think that Finland’s Blind Channel would be the one that would get him out of the institution.

“I mean this sounds like an edgy fourteen-year-old’s confession on an anonymous forum, but man, I’ve never really seen a band like that go so hard on live television, you know? Every time I see crazy antics or bands that had the same energy as Rage Against the Machine, it was always in the 90s or the early 2000s, when things weren’t too radio-friendly. And it wasn’t just them being hardcore like that, but it was how down-to-earth they all were—almost like they really loved what they were doing.”

Jeongin didn’t tell you why he started taking mushrooms or what led to him getting institutionalized in the first place, but it was enough for you to know that what you once perceived as an odd affinity for Eurovision was to him, an important getaway that cemented him back into the ground. Since then, the topic of Eurovision had become a daily part of your life—and now that the 2023 semi-finals were coming, Jeongin and the rest of the band had been keeping tabs on the latest culmination of the contest. In your downtime, Sungchan would update the Discord server with his ever-evolving tier list of entries, and Geonu would log on just to argue and contest Sungchan’s opinions. Of course, both would know their places once Jeongin would enter the conversation, but nonetheless, it came to a point where your days would feel empty without someone mentioning anything Eurovision related.

There was Eurovision, and then, there was Beomgyu.

Oddly enough, your days also felt incomplete without Beomgyu. Ever since you made the bold mistake of scheduling the same office hours as Beomgyu, the two of you had been in a constant stalemate of academic excellence. For you, it wasn’t necessarily the fact that you needed to prove something; you initially enjoyed seeing someone get so riled up and bothered at the fact that you were always better in everything you did. In a sense, your goals, ambitions, and fortitude didn’t come from a place of parental pressure or identity-building—you had to be on top of your game to the detriment of your well-being. While Beomgyu may have seen it as a competition, you saw it as a zero-sum game. To you, your entire livelihood basically depended on being the best at whatever, whenever, and wherever—excluding your role as a drummer in Joker In.

“Good morning, dipshit,” An all too familiar voice rang in your ears. You didn’t need to turn your head around to see who took the spot next to you in the vast lecture hall. Keeping your head to the busy tabs on your laptop, you heaved a sigh of both relief and exhaustion. Despite the absence of practice, you still had another part of your daily routine in check.

“What the fuck do you want, Gyu,” You coldly spat, knowing that the response you were going to get had to do with your gigs last night.

To the surprise of many—yourself included—your persona as the drummer of Joker In had been one of your best-kept secrets. Sure, being in a band was something most college kids got to experience, and student musicians were a common phenomenon across all facets of campus life. You nonetheless kept those two aspects of yourself as separate as possible, creating a clear divide that made sure none of those parts of your world intertwined and meshed together in any way. The law society didn’t need to know about the nightly debauchery you involved yourself in within the confines of the basement; those were stories that you kept to yourself to your grave—a musical pandora’s box that was meant to stay a secret.

“Heard through the grapevine that Little Miss Perfect got shitfaced last night,”

This time, you closed your laptop and snapped your head towards Beomgyu. Heeseung was terrible at keeping his mouth shut, but he wasn’t there to bear witness to the copious amounts of alcohol and weed that muddled your body that night. In a flurry of panic, you did your best to remember everyone that was present at the gig, scouring through the entirety of emails on Eventbrite that signed up for a ticket or two.

“And?”

Then again, what consequence would you get if you got caught? It wasn’t like the Law Society could strip you of your position; you were single-handedly the only president of the contemporary generation that managed to revive the organization from near death. If you told any of your professors about your musical ventures, you doubt they would look at you differently. In fact, they might even check out your gig or look up Joker In’s several sites across the internet, either becoming a fan of the band or not. Truthfully, there was no certain risk that threatened your current position and reputation on campus as the face of the Faculty of Law. The only thing that mattered to you was the unpleasant nature of combining your professional life with one that you exclusively created to escape the shackles of boundless perfectionism and tireless efforts to maintain all that you had built.

“That’s not a good look for the law society,” He grinned, perching his chin on his palm as he flipped through his notes. You did the same, clearing your throat as soon as the ten-minute mark on the digital clock succumbed all students into a quiet, dreary dread of a two-hour lecture.

“Last time I recall, you’re the one seen at a super sketchy rave last summer,” You whispered, keeping your head low enough so the professor couldn’t see you. “If you’re ratting me out for my band, then I’m ratting you out for doing lines with Heeseung at the Seoul Jazz Festival,”

“I only did one line, mind you,”

Another odd occurrence between you and Beomgyu’s rivalry was how both of you had accumulated so much dirt on each other, that it was practically impossible to call everything a truce. For the past three years, each intense battle between grades, essays, and projects was met with threats of outing the other for reckless behavior. Whenever Beomgyu would bring up your period of weed addiction in first year, you would rebut with some of his worst speeding incidents. If he were to draft an email to the program coordinator about your experiments with DMT when you just began your friendship with Geonu, then you were ready to send pictures of him doing lines with his rich friends at a yacht in Mykonos. Three years of constant rivalry also meant constant surveillance, and now that the two of you had reached the finish line to your respective degrees, the tension and threat of total exposure increased tenfold.

“A line’s a line,” Beomgyu silently spat through gritted teeth. “I’d never do coke, so you should be thankful I’m not kicking you out as president,”

“Fuck you,”

“I wouldn’t.”

“I’m lucky, then.”

“That’s the only luck god’s gonna give you, Gyu.”

Three years of unyielding pride and egoism also meant that the two of you knew when to stop arguing. Even if most of the people around you saw you and Beomgyu as a pair that didn’t know when enough was enough, there were certain limits that introduced a silent armistice in the war that Beomgyu had waged on you. For one, if fights were to occur before a lecture began, both of you were willing to swallow your feelings of pride and pay attention, ushering the competition elsewhere in the form of aggressive keyboard smashing and who could raise better questions to the professor. This was one of those instances, and as always, you left the lecture hall as the main victor, even being called after class to discuss the prospects of constitutional reform with the professor. Beomgyu simply stood to the side instead of leaving—another trait about him that you grew too accustomed to. Every single time you were either called after classes to discuss further questions or network with the professors, Beomgyu would always be behind you, scanning through every nook and cranny to seize any opportunity to either sabotage your efforts or present himself as the more eloquent and intelligent version between the two of you. Usually, professors didn’t mind this type of engagement—in fact, many academics would thrive in an environment where their students would actively contest and participate in the discourse surrounding topics that interest them the most. However, between you and Beomgyu, this would be a strenuous experience for any professor that was unlucky enough to be caught in your competitive mess.

Luckily, in every case, Heeseung would always be the savior, dragging the two of you out of the lecture hall in the nick of time.

“You two should just make out already,” He would often say while muttering strings of apologies to the meek, slouched professors that would hastily grab their bags and rush back into the comforts of their own offices. Albeit humiliating at first, you were now too accustomed to the lanky, tall, and especially inebriated man taking both you and Beomgyu’s collars throughout the ends of the campus, only momentarily seating both of you at the edge of the cafeteria to either laugh or complain.

“That’s giving him too much luck, Hee,” You bitterly retorted, giving Beomgyu the middle finger as a late greeting.

“She’s privileged enough to be a rich private school nerd who sucks people’s dick on LinkedIn. I can’t give her too much action,”

“You’re the nepo baby, Gyu! Last time I recall, you got in because of your brother’s recommendation letter,”

Talks about Beomgyu’s brother were what always riled him up the most—of course, second to talks about you.

Here’s the thing about Choi Seungchol: Though he wasn’t in the Faculty of Law, he was a memorable student that continues to be the face of the Faculty of Medicine. An accomplished oncologist with a prestigious tenureship at John Hopkins, he was one of the few Korean medical students who were able to break the difficult threshold of Western-dominated academia, proving himself with his tenacity, wit, and ever-expanding knowledge of cancer research. From the young age of seventeen, he had already graduated high school and shortened his study as an undergrad, dedicating his entire life to an ambitious—but certainly commendable—dream of finding an affordable, accessible, and efficient cure for cancer. Coupled with a look that was universally easy on the eyes, having a brother like Seungchol would have definitely sparked a deep-seated inferiority complex in anyone who had the displeasure of being his younger sibling.

Tit-for-tat seemed to be the game that you and Beomgyu often engaged in, and if his kryptonite was his brother, then yours would be the long line of lawyers that you descended from.

Unlike Beomgyu, who chose to study law out of an intense desire to separate his identity from his brother, you treaded onto the same path that marred your family name with generational pride. Sure, it wasn’t to say you wanted to become a lawyer, but rather, you wanted to become the best lawyer out of your family. Rich people had a different set of issues that they needed to face—a constant, mental battle that cut all ties between blood and family. In your family, there was no such thing as a maternal or paternal bond; every one that bore your name was wrought with the constant pressures of living up to it. Each generation was always compared to the last, and each brought the troubles of the past to the realities of the present. All the woes, infighting, and distasteful pride have unfortunately been a product of an entire familial generation that fought hard to keep its legacy intact—and for you, that meant your ticket to leave all of that behind was outdoing the family altogether, reigning supreme in the lifelong struggle of succession.

With you, your family wasn’t family anymore—they were stepping stones. A key to success and freedom that can only grant liberation once you did everything to prove yourself.

In a sense, all rich families were Darwinian. The Chois were a household name in medicine, and yours happened to dominate the legal system. One wanted to break free by independently taking another route in life, while the other aimed to destroy an old empire from within. To those that didn’t have the taste of prestige or the amount of free time to comprehend the psychological detriment of wealth, it was a simple case of money bringing too many unnecessary problems. Why worry about such minute issues like reputation and status when your windows didn’t work?

To you and Beomgyu though, things were different. Too different, in fact. When both your lives were mapped out to success and filling in the shoes of the past, it was inevitable that you would define yourselves and your actions around your family’s troubles. Something as simple as joining a band would cause immediate ruin to the decades of perfecting your role as the ideal candidate to take over your family’s law firm.

What Beomgyu didn’t know, and what you kept as an even deeper secret than your nights of musical debauchery in the basement, was that you were a bastard—the only child to a second, hidden marriage that broiled your entire family’s law firm in a mess that led to buying out several news outlets and tabloids who eventually took the money to erase all evidence regarding the scandal. You were paraded as the legitimate daughter of your family, and every single facet of your life had been broadcasted to the public since. From bagging first place in an essay-writing contest as a child to constantly making headlines as one of the best debaters in each high school debate competition, you had maintained the aura and image of a perfect successor. And now, all your accomplishments throughout university had been scantily advertised in university newspapers, online gossip forums, and local magazines—from your events in the law society, the talks you’d organize and give in legal seminars, down to the minuscule acts of charity you would do with the Cold Case Foundation. All of your life was documented for the world to see, prepping you up so the family could contain its skeletons within the safety of its closets.

This was why you couldn’t contain the hatred and anger you’d managed to keep to yourself for so long when Beomgyu would bring your family into the conversation. An inferiority complex paled in comparison to a family secret that threatened to bring the mighty walls of your family’s empire down to the ground with a single slip-up.

“News flash: I’m not the one who comes from an entire family that practices law,”

Ah, there it was. You stood up from your seat like always, never looking back as you stomped out of the cafeteria in blood-curdling, fuming anger. It was natural for Beomgyu to assume that you had an uncontrollable temper—after all, to him, you were a figure of contempt. Someone who was lucky enough to be born into a profession that he took up just to escape his lack of medical skills and affinity for science and mathematics.

“Jesus Christ, she’s so entitled,”

“Not cool, dude. Not cool,” Sungchan suddenly appeared as he always does, carrying a carton of coffee milk and sipping its sweet contents into his throat. Heeseung never really understood why Sungchan would always come to defend you whenever it came to any mentions of your family, but he chalked it up to the behavior of a secret admirer. Spending time together every day in the basement and playing in a band is a great way to get to know a person, and an even better chance to fall in love. If that were the case, then Heeseung certainly felt bad for the guitarist. Although you were already perceived as a picture of admiration, awe, and intimidation from afar, nobody truly knew how cutthroat and blunt you were behind the sheer curtains of model excellence. Heeseung was one of the few that bore witness to how ruthless you can be, and if it were him, he would thwart all chances of attempting to woo you. If Beomgyu was already enough of a testament to your mercilessness, then it was the strict, iron command you had at the law society that made you a less-than-ideal lover in bed and beyond.

“So I’m the bad guy for bringing up her family,”

“To be fair, she was the one who brought it up first…”

“Thank you, Heeseung!” Beomgyu exclaimed. Sungchan rolled his eyes and tossed the carton of coffee milk; a perfect shot right into the plastic opening of the bin. Heeseung watched with envy, lamenting at his failed basketball career. If only he had been taller, then maybe he might’ve had the chance to skip college altogether and fly to the US to sign a contract with the NBA. He’s always wondered why Sungchan didn’t opt for basketball as a sport, playing for the university’s varsity baseball team instead. He had the height and build to quickly gain ranks as a star player, and he certainly had the agility and aim to entrench himself as one of Korea’s best three-point shooters. Whenever Sungchan would look in Heeseung’s direction, the sense of being tinier than an ant in the entire universe maximized tenfold. It wasn’t just Sungchan’s height, but his general aloofness coupled with his nonchalance made everyone feel small under his presence.

Sungchan raised his hand at Heeseung, waving goodbye once a mutual high five was sealed and locked—a pact of honest brotherhood, as one might say. He mustered a quick, awkward bow in Beomgyu’s direction and ran off the same way you treaded, ignoring the pair’s curious gaze as he scoured through the maze of crowded young adults and intertwined hallways to catch you in your usual spot.

Beomgyu trailed Sungchan’s tall frame, watching his forehead graze the entry of the cafeteria. He huffed a sigh and grabbed his backpack, slinging it on his shoulder while knitting his eyebrows in frustration.

“Gyu, you’re not red anymore. You’re green,” Heeseung joked. Before Beomgyu could land a clean, painful hit on Heeseung’s neck, the boy quickly waved and ran past the swarm of students that crowded the hallways, waving his dab pen in the air as a quick sign of surrender. Beomgyu rolled his eyes and stared in the direction that Sungchan treaded, wondering if he should follow along.

Then again, what was it to him? Why was he so angry over something that didn’t even concern him in the first place? You were the one who brought his brother up constantly, so it would only be right for him to hit you where it hurt the most. He didn’t know much about you, but an aching, swelling pang of guilt began rising up in the form of acidic bile, swirling like rough tides in his stomach until a bout of nausea overwhelmed his entire body. Why the fuck do I care? She’s the one who started it all, Beomgyu thought. He gave the hallway that led to the Law Society’s office one, last glance, completely turning his back in the other direction. He had another lecture to catch; he shouldn’t be worried about you.

Once he found your figure crouched under the table of the Law Society’s main office, he knelt to your height, placing a firm hand on your shoulder. You swatted it away with faux bravery, rigorously wiping the soft tears that marred the apples of your cheeks.

“Hey,” He greeted.

“Leave me alone,”

“I can’t,” Sungchan laughed under his breath. “I’m witnessing you cry like a baby for the first time,”

“Shut up, Sung.”

For Sungchan, striking a friendship with you was unexpected. He’d at least expected himself to be on good terms with Jeongin before even attempting an acquaintanceship with you. When he initially met you, he had to admit that you were a deplorable person of sorts. You carried an air of superiority wherever you went, treated everyone like they were below you, and you always had a ruthless, competitive streak that turned everything sour with a single blink of an eye. From the moment he laid eyes on you, he was sure that he was going to tell Geonu to look for another guitarist.

“I can’t work with her,” He confided right after he heard you play the drums in a mock-up audition for a new recruit. “She’s… bitchy.”

“Sung, she’s a professional,” Geonu would often retort, ignoring Sungchan’s complaints about his own strict standard of musical perfection. “I’ve never seen anyone play with so much dedication and tenacity. If only you took this shit more seriously, then I think you can learn to put those feelings aside and actually play the way I want you to.”

For a while, Sungchan did his best to avoid you. Every time you would ask him to play with you so you could synchronize your playing style with his, he would politely decline, opting to send you recordings of his guitar practices from home or outright pretending he didn’t hear you. Granted, he anticipated that you were the type to not let passive-aggression go. One thing he knows about all law majors was their argumentative streak—to him, that was the reason why so many of the people enrolled in that program were born under the star of Aries. Hot-headed, independent, and defensive—those were all the characteristics that aligned with Aries Suns and anyone practicing the legal field.

It wasn’t until he got too drunk to stand that he experienced your rare displays of kindness. Though it was common courtesy to take care of drunk people at parties, you and Geonu were the only ones who actively checked up on him, closing the door to one of the rooms that became his personal infirmary while constantly feeding him water and a few, light snacks. Whenever he felt like throwing up and Geonu was unavailable, it was you who took him straight to the bathroom, lifting his head of hair as he lurched out his organs into the once pristine, white ceramics of a toilet bowl. Instead of asking him why he hated you, you simply kept your mouth shut, actively giving gentle massages on the crook of his neck and on the small of his back, gently feeding him more water in timed intervals as he continued to hurl and belch in the tiny, squared space of someone’s bathroom.

“Aren’t you gonna ask me why I don’t like you?” He asked, completely aware of his slurred words. You laughed and pretended you didn’t hear him—the exact same way he behaved whenever you would ask him to practice some of Joker In’s parts with you.

Perhaps he had too much to drink, or perhaps he just felt safe in the small, cramped, yet cozy spaces of the bathroom, but the first thing he told you—sans re-introductions—was the fact that he wasn’t sure if he was attracted to Geonu or not. In what felt like hours of him trying his best to keep his voice down amidst the blaring, muted, and bass-booted music that streamed into the tiny cracks of the wooden door, he sobered up in a crying fit, watching your figure transform from blurry blobs of wooziness into swirling, tear-soaked waves that made you look like you were submerged into an ocean of his woes and worries. He admired your silence; he admired the small smile that you gave him throughout his entire episode; he admired the way you screamed at whoever was banging at the front door to fuck off; he admired how head-strong and confident you were, even if he knew that you didn’t return those qualities to yourself.

From that day on, there was a mutual, unspoken pact that formed into a true, life-long bond between you and Sungchan. Whenever Geonu or Jeongin would ask him why he suddenly changed his mind, he would simply shrug, mimicking the same silence you gave him when he spilled his entire emotional journey of sexual discovery inside that holy bathroom. You did the same, giving subtle looks of confusion or outright denying the bad blood between you and Sungchan. The two eventually suppressed their qualms about Sungchan’s drastic shift, nodding in reluctant agreeability that this had to happen eventually for the band to continue.

“Anyway, I’m pretty sure Beomgyu didn’t mean it,”

“To be fair, I brought it up first. I got what I deserved,” You whispered, careful eyes scanning through random bystanders through the small creak of the agape, wooden door in front of you. Sungchan stood up to close it, but you grabbed the hem of his sweater, begging him to stay.

“Shh, don’t say that to yourself,” He replied, humming lowly to himself. “I think this is the point where you realize you should probably just get over it all. I mean, it’s been three whole years. Shouldn’t you just get over it and be the bigger person?”

Sungchan’s words hit you like a knife that slashed and hacked at an open wound. Each pause of silence brought another ounce of pain in your chest, and you couldn’t pinpoint if those feelings were a guilty conscience or another byproduct of your massive pride. You hated it when others were right, and you hated it even more that you continued to do the wrong thing despite knowing you could just ignore Beomgyu and get on with your day. Certainly, if you had kept things at light insults three years ago, then you shouldn’t be as riled up or hurt by Beomgyu’s actions and words by now. What bothered you even more, though, was how you didn’t seem to know who made things worse. At this rate, the rivalry between the two of you had gone on for far too long. You couldn’t pinpoint a true start that fueled your spite for him. It was almost like you had always hated Beomgyu from the start, even if there was a part of you that wholeheartedly disagreed with that predicament.

“You know what, you’re right, Sung. I should stop giving him any of my attention if I want him to shut up,”

“See, it’s not that hard!”

Before you and Sungchan could shake things off with a friendly hug, your phones buzzed in unison. With a quick nod, the two of you burst out of the Law Society’s office, ignoring the wary eyes that watched each of your steps with confusion and suspicion. You declined the call and swiped right on Sungchan’s phone, popping your head near the camera to see who was on the other end of the line. To your relief, it was an excited Jeongin, carrying crescents in his eyes as he huffed on his earphones’ microphone.

“Guys!”

“What’s up, Jeongin?”

“The finals!” He screamed, loud enough for you and Sungchan to mute the phone and cover the speakers.

“What about it?”

“It’s streaming right now on YouTube!”

You gave Jeongin a look of confusion, arching your brows and poking Sungchan with your elbows. Despite only getting close to each other for a short time, both of you mastered the art of silence. You didn’t need to tell him to look up the ESC’s website to check if Jeongin was right; there was a certain telepathy that linked your brains together. There was no need for eye contact or physical gestures, it was as if thinking was all it took for Sungchan to understand what you wanted him to say or do, and vice versa. If you were to picture it, then there would be a thin, invisible wire that connected your soul to his, matched with telephone cups where you each whispered your thoughts and actions back and forth.

“Oh word?” Sungchan muttered once he reached the homepage of the ESC. The semi-finals happened too fast, and it didn’t occur to you that you missed the entire ordeal. Sungchan nodded along, shrugging his shoulders while using his height to push past the sea of students who fell victim to your band’s antics. The key to the exit was Jeongin jumping up and down at the entrance to the university’s main gate, fighting his way out of the security guards trying to calm him down.

“Come on!” Jeongin exclaimed with infectious glee, grabbing you and Sungchan by the hand and taking the two of you to the nearest train station.

“Jeongin, where are we going?” You asked. You were sure that Geonu had pinged the entire group chat about the absence of practice that day. Sungchan checked his phone and showed you Geonu’s message once the three of you slowed down and tapped your transit passes to the gates. There was indeed, no practice at the basement today out of Jeongin’s incessant pleas to cancel it. Geonu would have never imagined canceling practice over a singing competition held in Europe, but Jeongin threatened to leave the band if Geonu and the rest didn’t comply with his wishes. Considering how Jeongin was the most compliant member who never seemed to ask for much unless it had to do with Eurovision, Geonu granted the boy’s wishes.

“The watch party!”

You scrolled through Joker In’s Kakao group chat with Sungchan, only to find no mentions of a Eurovision watch party anywhere. By now, the entire band had figured that Jeongin was the impulsive type. While you had access to his hidden story of mushroom addiction, the rest were privy to Jeongin’s sudden online activity at the crack of dawn. He would send a barrage of memes and videos on the group chat only to disappear for a week. The only times he would come back was if Geonu had made a practice announcement in the chat, or if the band called him to the meeting place.

Ergo, Jeongin was not the type of person to organize an entire watch party with his sporadic communication patterns.

Once the three of you had reached the apartment, a barrage of cannabis hit your nose. Of course, Heeseung was on the side with a bong in hand, while Geonu was already absorbed into the couch, eyes red artificial bliss. Before you could take off your shoes to step inside Jeongin’s apartment, you halted your steps, blinking several times to make sure you weren’t hallucinating. Some people say that hate was just another form of obsession, and the last thing you wanted was to see Beomgyu in your dreams.

“Why is he here?

“Beomgyu is Heeseung’s roommate,” Jeongin meekly replied, keeping a small smile on his face as he kicked his shoes off to dash into the kitchen. Sungchan reluctantly followed suit, taking a bowl of potato chips and popcorn to the small, glass coffee table that was at the center of Jeongin’s rather spacious living room.

“So? Heeseung never brings him to the basement when he delivers pizza,”

“That’s because Beomgyu doesn’t work at the pizza chain,”

Instead of sitting in the empty space next to Beomgyu on the couch, you opted to take a random spot on the couch, sitting behind Geonu’s legs. Normally, he would complain about you using him as a headrest, but at this rate, he was too high to comprehend that there was something leaning into his calves.

“Whatever. Since when did you like Eurovision anyway?”

“Before you did, that’s for sure, fucking poser,”

“Oh my god, you son of a—”

Before you could stand up, Sungchan placed a firm grip on your shoulder, entrenching you within the surface of Jeongin’s soft, fur carpet. You took a mental note to ask him about his tastes in furniture. On the other side of the couch, Jeongin had hurried back from the kitchen with a few packs of seltzer that he struggled to carry, pushing one of them into Beomgyu’s lap before he could retort in violence.

“So everyone in this room is voting for Slovenia, right?” Jeongin asked with an eerily large grin.

“Yep! Number twenty-four!” Sungchan confirmed, making it his duty to make sure you didn’t lash out throughout the entire song contest. There was no use in fighting back; the hands of a varsity athlete cannot be contested with the likes of an occasional charity player.

“I’m voting Finland…” Beomgyu huffed, rolling his eyes in your direction.

“Gyu, you literally listened to nothing but Carpe Diem last night,” Heeseung retorted in languid, heavy breaths. If one could guess the lightness of his lids, it would be comparable to a bodybuilder’s daily dumbbell perched on top of his eyes.

“Shut up. I vote for whoever I want, and my money goes to Finland,” Beomgyu replied, cracking a can of cherry seltzer open with his hand. You followed suit, prompting the boy to roll his eyes once again.

“He’s voting for Finland because he wants to be oh so special like the rest of the world who’s basically riding Käärijä’s dick!”

This time, you gulped the can of seltzer down in a single sip, crushing the weak, malleable material between your fingers while raising a middle finger in Beomgyu’s direction. Instead of chugging his drink, he took a deep breath, pacing the amount of alcohol that entered and exited his throat. He knew what he was like when he was drunk, and even if the need to punch you into oblivion was there, he had to control himself—at least, for Jeongin.

“Shut the fuck up, you two! It’s starting!” You and Beomgyu immediately behaved accordingly, exchanging silent death glares while Jeongin ushered to the middle of the large, flat-screen television mounted on his wall. Even if you knew how serious Jeongin was about anything Eurovision related, you didn’t know that he could exude a level of anger that outmatched you and Beomgyu’s squabbles.

The introduction to the Eurovision Song Contest lined up with the flurry of buzzes that attacked your back pocket. Upon seeing the caller ID, your fingers automatically hovered over the red button. However, the ringing didn’t stop. No matter how many times you’ve tried to dodge each call you got, it would only come back in waves, accompanied by a barrage of text messages that caught your eye,

Dad’s in the hospital.

To be fair, all your memories with your father had been non-existent at best. The only time you’ve ever seen him was in a pristine, neatly-ironed business suit, gallivanting around the meeting rooms of the law firm or taking the same behavior with him on the dinner table, only allowing everyone else to lift their forks once he was seated. Your father’s presence had a shroud of mist around it—mostly because you couldn’t remember a time when you genuinely bonded with him. To call your father a father only suited you best when you were writing your college application essays or passing interviews for internships and research opportunities. Outside of that, you addressed him with utmost formalities, keeping his power trips unbridled by addressing him as Sir or President. He used to like being called an attorney, but after he began to realize that everyone in the firm held the same occupation, he opted for something more. As such, the news of him being in the hospital was shocking, but it was the least of your current concerns. To you, he was just your lifelong boss, slipping you into the legal world with a guaranteed, secure career filled with success and everlasting wealth. The only reason you had to visit the hospital was to discuss the potential inheritance papers that might have to be negotiated on his deathbed, not because of a familial, patriarchal bond that was never even there to begin with.

“Hold on, I have to take this call,” You said, hastily getting up while balancing yourself on the carpet. You whispered a mute sorry in Heeseung’s direction, who was suddenly sober at the sight of his bong tipping over.

Once you were in the bathroom, you locked the door and turned on the lights, keeping your eyes away from the large vanity mirror that enhanced the brightness of the entire room. Closing your eyes, you allowed a mouthful of oxygen to enter your lungs, slowly breathing it out as you dialed your brother’s phone number. It didn’t take a single ring for him to pick up.

“Hey,”

There was always something about your brother’s voice that irritated you. It wasn’t too nasally, but it wasn’t the most clear-cut pitch either. There was a certain grating quality to it that made listening to an obese chain smoker for hours on end a better feat than hearing your brother in a firm meeting or a case discussion. This was probably the reason why you could tolerate Beomgyu, because you’ve lived with people you genuinely despised for as long as you could count numbers and read the alphabet.

“Why the fuck are you calling me?” You spat, anticipating the worst. You could hear your brother’s breath hitch on the other end of the line. Of course, a situation like this would stress him out.

“You know I only reach out if it’s important, so get your ass to the fucking hospital right now. Dad’s going through a hemorrhage, and it’s the worst one we’ve seen so far.”

“Oh,”

“So hurry the fuck up. I’ll write your uni up so you can take an academic leave. Shit’s pretty serious,”

Whenever your brother classified a situation as pretty serious, it usually had to do with money. Talks of a potential merger, a big case that’s worth billions of won, or the acquisition of smaller firms that soon became a part of your family’s legal empire. Anything that had to do with money was serious to your brother, and of course, anything that had to do with money was discussed between the family, beneath the nose of your father.

“What do you mean?”

“You know what this means, right? Dad’s dying, his fucking secretary had just been named the sole trust to the firm, and the entire family’s basically going to war over this fucking fiasco.”

“What the fuck do you mean he signed over the trust to her?”

This was the only time you agreed with your brother about the nature of serious situations. The entire firm and the family were aware of the affair he had with his secretary, but you didn’t know how bad of an impact his senility would have on the future and well-being of the firm and beyond. You kept the phone latched between your shoulders and your chin, taking a seat on the toilet cover while crossing your legs.

“Just come to the hospital. One of the Choi-owned clinics in Gangnam.”

“Okay, I’m on my way.” You curtly replied. “I’ll be there in twenty,”

Family ordeals were things that Geonu forgave when it came to skipping practice, but you weren’t sure about breaking the news to Jeongin. Perhaps if you simply told him about your father’s condition, he would let it slide. After all, he was the caring sort. Anything that tugged his heartstrings would render him in a thick, melted puddle of tears. All it took was a story of an old, dying man, and you were sure that Jeongin would let you go. Taking another deep breath, you counted to three and opened the door, slowly making your way from the kitchen and into the living room. Instead of taking your seat back next to Heeseung, you stood still, placing your hands on your waist. Despite Geonu’s current state, he managed to groggily sit upright, eyes peering straight into your soul. The rest of the people in the living room followed him as an example, eyes switched from the television screen to your leveled posture.

“Guys,”

“Look who’s back from her makeout session with the prof,”

“Beomgyu, not now.” You interrupted, clearing your throat as you mentally ran through the quick story you conjured up in your head. My dad’s bleeding out, and I have to go to the hospital to make sure he’s okay. I hope you guys understand.

“What, you can’t take a joke? Jesus, I never knew little miss perfect was a softie…”

You would usually let your temper subside and give Beomgyu the benefit of the doubt, but this time, he had crossed the line. It wasn’t to say you cared about your father, but it was still a dire situation that needed to be taken seriously. For all the intelligence that Beomgyu prided himself in, he was not the type to understand basic social cues. As if remaining still wasn’t enough of a message, you let the frustration you’ve built up for years wash over you, closing your eyes as you unleashed three years of pent-up irritation and vexation escape your lips in a shrill shriek. The only thing you felt sorry for at the moment was how this was directed at Beomgyu instead of your family, but you needed to release it all before you eventually exploded. Heeseung dropped his bong and alerted himself awake, leaving his mouth agape while his eyes quickly darted past your forehead. Even Sungchan, who was privy to your bursts of anger, lit up in static shock, rendered in a frozen state that made him glued to his seat. Everyone in the room now had their eyes on you—including Jeongin’s roommate who peeked his head out of his door.

“Seriously?! My dad’s dying, and this is how you react? Look, I don’t know what the fuck I did to make you hate me this much, but this isn’t a game anymore. I’m done, and I’m out of here!”

In a flash of a second, you were out the door, letting it swing before reclining into a loud thud. The entire room was now drowned in an ocean of silence, and Beomgyu was the only one who gasped for air. He tried to stand up and chase after you, but his legs were stuck to the cotton of Jeongin’s carpet, pulling him deeper and deeper until his entire body was one with the ground. Geonu exchanged glances with Heeseung and the rest of the band, taking a nearby glass of water and gulping it down in a single sitting. Sungchan quickly climbed up to the couch and sat beside him, patting gentle circles on the boy’s back before directing his attention to the sole, uninvited guest that ruined the watch party. All Jeongin could do at the moment was take the remote from the coffee table, lowering the volume of the television until the entire apartment was laced in another wave of deathly silence. Even if the living room was packed, it felt as if he was the only one in the room, stuck between the carpet and the technicolor screen that showed the first performer of the night. Glimpses of red, black, and white dyed the entire space in ominous colors, flashing images of Edgar Allan Poe in the empty, white walls that surrounded the entire group. The only time someone spoke up was when Jeongin’s roommate passed by to turn off the lights, quickly rushing back within the safety of his room as he locked the door shut.

“You fucked up,” Heeseung started after a few rounds of unspoken guilt. “Hard…”

“It’s not like I can tell her that I’m mad at her because I don’t know? My parents always yelled at me for not being like my brother?”

No, that’s not what I wanted to say, Beomgyu thought, but it was too late to take his words back inside his mouth. Now, the initial state of shock that occupied the room was replaced with pure, unbridled resentment.

This time, he was sure he fucked up.

“Why did you keep this up for so long, anyway? It’s not like it’s that hard to say sorry or something,” Geonu retorted, slowly sobering up.

“Look, whatever. I’ll get going now, because apparently, I’m always the bad guy,”

“Gyu!”

Jeongin tried to chase after Beomgyu’s silhouette, only for Sungchan to hold him back. With two silent nods, Jeongin let go of Sungchan’s sleeve, fiddling with the hems of his sweater while watching the tall, lanky boy jog out the door. He didn’t know if he should end the watch party then and there, or if all of them should continue from where they left off. By now, the second performance had started. Flashes of green and red brightly encompassed their eyes, and they remained seated. Geonu texted the band’s group chat and pinged your user to give them updates on your father’s situation, while Heeseung swiftly took his lighter and lit the stem of his bong, deeply inhaling the glass rim in what was going to be his biggest rip to date.

What was going on outside of Jeongin’s apartment was a different story on its own. You had called one of your drivers to pick you up from the nearest train station, and now, you were zooming past highways and fast cars, reaching your destination as soon as Beomgyu had stepped out of Jeongin’s apartment building. He tried to rush past the flurry of people during rush hour that crowded the station, but the only person he could see was Sungchan, who had managed to chase him by the tail of his jacket.

“Hey,” Sungchan uttered, never letting go of Beomgyu’s jacket.

“Here to defend your girlfriend?” Beomgyu spat. Sungchan was used to this by now,

“No, but I’m here to let you know that deep down inside, I know you’re not a bad person,”

The two were now in front of a vending machine behind the station, a place where drunken white-collared men would drink their sorrows away. It also happens to be the place for a rendezvous to hide under the neon lights of the city—high school couples that secretly meet after the academy for a kiss goodbye before going home, college kids that are too drunk to scan their passes at the gate, office workers that feel the need to have a drink or two before being welcomed back home by their kids, smokers who hide their vices under the surveillance system, and people that are waiting for their online saint to whisk them off their infinite suffering. The vending machine was witness to all facets of society, including Beomgyu and Sungchan’s conversations that would have never seen the light of day. Before the two began, it was a natural ritual for any that chose the vending machine as a meeting place to treat their interlocutors with a beverage or two. Sungchan chose a sizzling can of lemon cider, tossing a couple of loose change he had jingling in his pockets and inserting it in the machine. He tossed the can in Beomgyu’s direction, who accepted it with a meek, small bow. Then, Sungchan fished for the last few coins he could find in the deep trenches of his slacks, pressing the bright, green button that displayed a tall bottle of water. It didn’t occur to him that he had a half-filled water bottle that he took with him in his tote bag for baseball practice; the movement was as automatic as the vending machine dispensing a plastic water bottle in its hooded container. Once Sungchan had the water bottle in his hands, he twisted the cap and waited for Beomgyu to snap the can open. The two clinked their beverages and consummated a few sips.

“Sure, you’re insufferable and bratty as fuck, but I know you have the heart in you to listen,” Sungchan said, after he was finished with his water bottle. Beomgyu took the can back to the side of his arms, holding it tightly to make sure its fizzy contents didn’t spill out into the streets.

“She’s been going through a lot, so you should probably cut all of this and apologize if you still want to go to our shows,”

Beomgyu slowly nodded, taking the can of lemon cider up to his lips once again. For a big city like Seoul, his bright, neon yellow can stood out from the masses of commuters that passed the duo to get to their destination. Sungchan kept his water bottle under his arm, tapping on the plastic cap twice to make sure that he sealed it properly. With a satisfied hum, he cleared his throat and eyed the boy who couldn’t take his can off his lips.

“I know you’ve been sneaking out in your really shitty disguise, but for my sake, hers, and yours, you should talk it out and hopefully fix whatever you got going on,” He continued. His fingers found themselves at the edges of his pocket again, and an exasperated sigh escaped his lips upon failing to feel through a small, rectangular carton that eased all of his woes with a single huff of smoke. What he found instead was a small, cheap plastic lighter that he didn’t remember purchasing. Granted, he probably stole it off Heeseung’s collection or took it with him when he helped Geonu light his joint. Whatever the case, he found no use for it now.

“If not, I’m gonna have to ban you from ever showing up again,”

Beomgyu finally took the can off his lips, wiping his mouth with the thick decor of his jacket’s sleeve. Considering the weather, he should’ve probably opted for a lighter cardigan that didn’t graze his lips with leather. Nonetheless, he ignored all feelings of discomfort. He should be used to it by now.

“Whatever,”

“It’s not whatever, and I’m sure you know that too,”

Beomgyu watched Sungchan’s tall, lanky frame stand upright from his slouched posture, waving his transit card in his face as he started to walk towards the station. He didn’t know if Sungchan was going to go back to his place or if he would pay a visit to the hospital. The only way he would find out is if he bumped into him in the white, putrid halls of a place he’d been avoiding since he left home to attend university.

Beomgyu had always hated hospitals. For as long as he could remember, the smell of antiseptic and rubbing alcohol would always overwhelm his nose, rendering him in a trance-like state that made everything around him a blurry haze of fragmented memories. He could try to recollect the countless hours he’s spent waiting for his father to get off his shift, but all he could gather was the car ride home, sitting silently beside his brother while the driver played an old rockabilly tune from his time. His father wasn’t even in the car with them, and he was probably doing another late shift in the operations room with his mother on standby. When Seungchol was old enough to shadow their father’s sessions, he would be on these car rides alone, carrying the same, putrid odor that reminded him of a distant family that never had dinner together once. When Beomgyu would get home from the hospital, he made it a habit to call his maids or helpers to set up a dinner table with him, each member of the cleaning team acting as his father, his mother, and eventually, his brother. This was the only way he could sleep at night, because the scent of antiseptic would be replaced with dish soap, cleaning tools, and remnants of flower-scented detergent. If the cooks were available, they would also join Beomgyu at the large, family dining table of the Choi household acting as external relatives that he would only see in family functions.

Now that he was back at the hospital, the memories of a lonesome dinner came flooding back to him in tidal waves. First, his father’s tall silhouette would come into full view, for he was never the type of person to turn his head towards his second son. Then, he could see his mother’s side profile, eyebrows knitted in a constant frown as she would scan through each clipboard and envelope with a mixture of confusion and exhaustion. When he was in high school, his brother had already begun shadowing for one of the several hospitals that were under the Choi name. He would initially tag along, but opted to stay home once he realized that this wasn’t a game of doctors that he would play with his brother in one of the many playrooms they were granted as children. Seungchol had patients to attend to, and he was a mere nuisance to the inner workings of his family’s craft.

This was also the point where he figured he would try his hand at the humanities, shifting from an interest in stock brokers and the financial sector to settling for the legal field. In earnest, he never found an affinity for anything political. The newspaper was one of many things that made it so difficult for Beomgyu to remember his parents’ faces, since they would spend their mornings jeering at the headlines in disgust before rushing out to work. Seungchol started doing the same once he was old enough to understand the weary woes of the world outside of their wealthy life, and at that point, Beomgyu had already resented the news enough to block it off his phone and other devices.

If his lifelong grudge had taught him one thing, it was tenacity. It was a trait his parents exhibited when they went from performing surgeries to managing hospitals, and it was the same trait that Seungchol inherited when he began his own medical career. For Beomgyu, tenacity meant suffering through a lot of the things he disliked—whether it was politics, the news, or medicine. To him, tenacity came in subtle ripples. At first, it was the several scandals that he would hear about at the academy regarding big pharmaceutical companies patenting life-saving medication and selling it at a higher markup. He didn’t even know what a markup meant, but he did know that it was something he could use to destroy his family once and for all. When he entered university and applied for the law program, he used his tenacity to climb to the top, even when the humanities weren’t the strongest set of subjects in his CSAT exam. He didn’t understand how money worked, and he certainly couldn’t care less about the politicians he would see campaigning on the streets during election season. The only thing that mattered to him ever since he was a child was to do whatever it takes to get his family back in a single piece—even if it meant destroying the legacy and generational prestige that the Chois had built for themselves since the Occupation period.

Places like the hospital were what made Beomgyu’s tenacity disappear into thin air, replacing it with irresolute shakiness. It didn’t occur to him that a single whiff of the hospital’s chemicals immediately turned him into mush—a walking, wandering blob that’s place was always behind his parents or his brother. Here, he didn’t feel human at all. He felt like a visual display—a name tag that bore his family name in shame. It was for this reason that Beomgyu refused to call an ambulance or take himself to the hospital no matter how hurt he was. Every episode of alcohol poisoning would always end in several over-the-counter drugs that would end up in the toilet with the remnants of bile that trickled up to his mouth, coughing up every stint of regret that failed to leave his system. No matter how drunk he would get, he would always berate Heeseung for threatening to dial 119, constantly reassuring him that he could cure whatever he could on his own.

Now, he was back in the very place that he spent his entire life avoiding, hiding behind the metal railings of a hospital bed once his eyes caught a familiar, white coat sported by the outline of someone he hasn’t seen in years.

Apparently, years of playing doctors with Seungchol worked against him, and now, he was faced to face with someone he had the displeasure of calling his brother.

“Hyung,” The word used to come out naturally, but now, it felt too foreign to him. At this rate, he was more comfortable calling his own brother “Doctor Choi” than by any other name that he used to call him. He tapped his tongue twice inside his mouth to feel its insides squirm, then, he restfully let his eyes sit at the crown of Seungchol’s jet-black head, watching the luster of his healthy hair shine under the bright, fluorescent lights of the hospital that always managed to invoke a certain nausea within him.

“Beomgyu-yah,” Seungchol replied, his voice barely a weak whisper. “It’s been a while,”

“Are you in charge of him?” Beomgyu asked, jutting his chin towards the emergency room. Seungchol looked back and shrugged his shoulders, resting the clipboard on the hilt of his belt as he longingly stared at his younger brother.

“Who?”

“Him,” Beomgyu asked again, pointing to the patient’s profile on his clipboard. Seungchol adjusted the thick, rectangular frames that slid down his nose, squinting his eyes at the tiny fragments of characters that he could barely read. Beomgyu didn’t know that his older brother’s eyes had degraded past his early problems with astigmatism.

“Ah, you mean Kim & Lee LLC’s current head?” Seungchol asked.

“Yeah,”

“Yes, I’m in charge of him. My department assigned me to him since our family sort of owes them in some ways,”

Beomgyu didn’t question the Choi’s relations with yours. None of that concerned him in the slightest, and he was aware of the magnetism that many rich families often exhibited—birds of a feather flock together, especially when feathers were made of gold.

“How’s school?” He asked. He began walking towards the emergency room and stood outside of the door, peeking his head inside the tinted windows while he vigorously tapped his pen on his clipboard. Beomgyu kept his hands in his pockets and followed suit, peering at whatever he could read in Seungchol’s report.

“Alright,”

“I’ve heard his daughter’s faring better than you at school,”

Speak of the devil, and she shall arrive.

By now, a single sliver of your presence was hard for Beomgyu to miss. If tenacity was one thing he had, then perseverance was the other. Throughout the three years he had known you, he’s learned one, giant lesson: to persevere. No matter how much he dreaded the preparations for the bar exam, no matter how worn he was over countless hours of dedicating himself to reading pages upon pages of ancient Roman law, a part of him embraced the sheer hard work that he dedicated to each and every aspect of his academic career.

Then again, none of that mattered when he was always second best when it came to you. Even if the number of hours both of you had put into a project or an essay was the same, he would always fall short of a mark or two, forever trailing behind your shadow the same way he had always trailed behind the success of his ancestors, then his parents, and now, his brother.

“This is why I’ve always hated you, hyung,”

“I know, I know,”

That was another thing that Beomgyu noticed about the people that managed to do better than him in every facet of his life. From stories he would hear from his mother, the Choi ancestry was filled with quiet, blasé doctors whose first and only priority was to tend to each patient that required assistance. The same trait was replicated tenfold in the way his parents would berate him; both of them would shrug their heads in blatant displays of disappointment instead of yelling at him. He was sure he was never hit as a child, but the string of pain that came from the sheer looks of despondency was imprinted on his shattered ego, forever sinking their sharp fragments into the throes of his heart. When his brother reached the age of twenty, he had mastered the same, cold look that his parents would often give him, doing the same whenever Beomgyu interrupted him at the hospital.

How did it all come to this?

Beomgyu wished he knew the answer to a question he had been pondering since he was old enough to think for himself.

“So you’re not even gonna say sorry? Apologize? Admit that what you and our entire family’s put me through is wrong?”

“Beomgyu, that’s just how it’s always been. I don’t really know what to say other than how lucky you should be right now,”

Luck. Being born a Choi meant a lifetime of financial security and a plethora of career options knocking at the foot of his door, and yet, Beomgyu couldn’t see how this luck was worth the feelings of inferiority that plagued him to no end.

“How the fuck am I lucky, Hyung? How the fuck am I lucky?! Because from what I know, I’ve been the one that just so happened to be born with the inability to do math and science!”

Seungchol slid the pen he was tapping inside his breast pocket. He placed the clipboard on one of the empty, leather chairs that lined the entrance to the emergency room, adjusting the rims of his glasses in the process.

“All my life, I’ve studied so hard, went to the academy, and never complained about it—hell, I sucked it all up and gave up on getting friends, having fun, and basically being the best example of what mom and dad wanted. But no! Apparently Seungchol-hyung is always better! That law girl is always better! Inseong from fifth grade is always better! Everyone is always better than me! If they wanted someone better, then they probably shouldn’t have asked for another son!”

The only thing that Beomgyu could hear was his own voice bouncing back and forth between the walls of the vast hospital. Seungchol stood in silence, taking his glasses off and wiping the lens with the hems of his white coat—a pure semblance of their father.

“Beomgyu-yah,” He whispered with a lower voice. “Just know that I did all this because I wanted you to be free. I care about you, you know?”

He waved his younger brother goodbye, pushing the large doors to the emergency room where people dressed in blue scrubs awaited his command. Beomgyu tried to chase after him, but he stopped in his tracks. All his life, he was always behind his father, his mother, and his brother. Now, he was behind you. Through the small creaks of the door, he traced your sulking silhouette, seeing himself in the way you bowed down to your own brother, who stood upright with a phone and several envelopes in his hand. Maybe if he let his pride aside a long, long time ago, then he would’ve come to the conclusion that the two of you weren’t so different after all.

“This is Kim & Lee LLC’s associate speaking, and we would like to file an academic leave as soon as possible.”

Throughout knowing you, he had seen you cry for the first time, mimicking the exact same sorrows and anguish that plagued him since he was a child. There was nothing to be done, so he left the hospital, never turning back once.

III. VENUS PLAYS WITH MARS IN A GAME OF CHANCE

Nearly three months had passed, and you didn’t show up since. The band was aware of your periods of being a recluse, but none of them anticipated how bad it was until you stopped responding to their texts and calls altogether. The meeting place felt like a barren wasteland in your absence, and none of them could start practicing without you chanting the counts before every song. Heeseung would come by with a slice of pizza from time to time, and it has become a ritual for them to leave you a slice even when you’re gone. It didn’t matter to them that the offering would turn into mold in a few days—what mattered was how the last slice or two was always going to be meant for you, almost as if you’d come back in the crappy basement to devour your slice and complain about how it’s practically inedible.

The band wasn’t the only group of people that felt your absence, though. Beomgyu never realized how important you were in the law society until you gave him a passive-aggressive email that relinquish all your responsibilities as president to him. While a part of him felt happiness at the thought of finally taking over, there was an inkling of guilt within him that felt too unqualified to assume your role. Yes, he’s often lamented to Heeseung that he would’ve been a better president than you, and he even told his parents in a bitter argument that he was doing more as one of the vice presidents than you actually were as president, he had to admit that your absence caused an impending upheaval that practically caused the law society to implode. At first, it started with self-fulfilling prophecies stated by the other executives that were anxious about Beomgyu’s ascension as the de-facto president. Some said he wasn’t suited for the role based on academic performance alone, and others have already made predictions about his eventual impeachment from the board of executives. Your rivalry with Beomgyu was a well-known gag in the law society, but now, it didn’t feel like an inside joke anymore. In your absence, nobody knew what to do—and Beomgyu began to realize that perhaps he didn’t have it in him to be an effective leader and a prolific communicator.

In some ways, Beomgyu finally realized why you were so effective in a group setting. For one, your ability to make compromises with the rest of the team elevated your status and competence from a newbie to a reliable figure. The same could be said for your band. From what he’s heard from Heeseung, Geonu only recruited you because of your background in jazz. He never considered your dynamics with the group or if you were a difficult person to work with, and he chalked it up to luck that you were good at mitigating all sides of the argument whenever he and Sungchan would bicker. Your effectiveness as a team player was further highlighted in the dashing performances that you and your band would deliver as Joker In. Despite all the arguments and horror stories he’d hear from Heeseung, the Joker In he saw on stage didn’t evoke a single ounce of disagreement or discord. Once the four of you were on stage, it was as if you were a single unit with the rest of the band, seamlessly playing melodies as a natural instinct more so than hours of relentless practice and infighting.

Rhythm is the pillar of music and poetry, he once heard you utter in your conversations with the band. Though he initially disagreed and tried to back up Sungchan’s lamentations of playing a bigger role in the group, your absence has instantly highlighted why you were a stable foundation in everything that you were involved in. Sure, you weren’t the flashiest of both the law society and Joker In, but your absence placed a large dent in the operations of both. Even if you were a quiet figure in the law society, often staying on the sidelines to approve or reject event proposals while everyone was fighting for credit, everyone would always look to you as a final figure of approval. Once you either accepted or rejected an event and started dispatching the organization committee to plan and make these events come to fruition, all elements of disjuncture ceased to exist. It was the same with Joker In. Sure, you were often in the background trying to maintain stability while Geonu and Sungchan played the lead in each performance, but he was willing to admit that the band’s sound was nothing without your invisible hand guiding each melody and verse into perfection.

In a way that the band and the law society needed you, Beomgyu realized—albeit with denial and extreme hesitance—that he needed you as well. Without your presence, he couldn’t care less about his academic performance. Nothing mattered when the certainty of him being at the top was secured. The astonishing irony behind all this was that, in some ways, he did ask for this. He did ask to become number one in everything, and yet he failed to realize that perhaps being number one in itself was never something he could ever be.

The reason he got this far was because of his intense rivalry with his brother. For as long as he could remember, he was always vying for attention from his parents—practically pleading to be seen as anything but his brother’s shadow. Then, it was the several rivals he’d encountered in school once his brother was off to university. They were no match against your unyielding nature, but he would be lying to himself if they didn’t push him to further heights.

Competition was something that he was always surrounded with, and with you gone, he didn’t know where to start. Nothing mattered to him anymore, and he hated that feeling more than hating you.

For someone that prided himself in intelligence, he certainly fell short of common sense. Throughout all his years of trying to chase after your success and your achievements, he wasn’t ready for the loneliness and emptiness that would overtake him once he reached the top. Maybe that was why you decided to play in a band, even if doing so would result in parental disapproval. Sure, he didn’t know your life story, but that was at least what stopped him from starting his own band in high school.

What the fuck are you thinking, you bastard. Starting a band? In high school? This is why your brother was always better, Beomgyu-yah.

“Shut up, Dad,” He whispered, remembering all of the GPS trackers laced on his phone and the strict curfew he had to maintain in his teenage years. Even if he knew nothing about you, it was perhaps the freedom and carelessness you had in you that made him envious of everything you had. To him, you were the epitome of a life he could’ve lived had he not been born into his so-called family—a breath of fresh air that tempted him with the fruits of liberation and rebellion.

In some ways, he loathed you because he idolized you. He wanted to be you in any shape or form. That was, of course, until he rested his eyes on each news headline that managed to damage your reputation bit by bit.

KIM & LEE LLC’S GOLDEN HEIRESS DEMOTED AND DISOWNED FROM THE FAMILY TRADE: HER SECRETS ARE REVEALED

The news came out roughly three months ago, right after he caught a glimpse of your brother making a call to the university’s board of directors. A part of him wished that you would fight back the same way you did whenever Beomgyu would cuss you out or make your life a living hell—because to him, you were always a fighter.

He was aware that hospitals could change a person from the moment they entered into its sanitized walls, but he wanted to believe that you weren’t privy to its wicked curse. Above all the families that wept and got their morale weakened by an undesired diagnosis, an incurable disease, or an exorbitant bill that took a lifetime to pay back, he was sure you were immune to it all, keeping a headstrong demeanor in any situation.

But all rich children were doomed the moment they were born, and you were just like him, a victim of circumstance.

All he could do now was to continue dialing your phone number, even if the reply he got was the same, automated, female voice that told him your digital existence was erased from its archives.

I’m sorry, but your call cannot be completed at this time. Please try again later.

What if he gave you a chance? What if he got to know you instead of letting his bitterness get the best of him? Could things have been different between the two of you? Or would the rivalry persist in a different, more amiable form? Flashes of images were reflected in the large, bathroom mirror that he constantly gazed at, and in these times of automated mundanity between attending classes and fulfilling his new duties as the de facto president of the law society, all he could see was your smiling silhouette imprinted on the chair that he occupied, telling him again and again that he didn’t belong there.

He contemplated visiting your father, but the nurse at the reception would always get back to him about your absence. You hadn’t visited him since the day your family withdrew you from university, and now, he didn’t know where you were. The band refused to talk to him altogether, and Heeseung hadn’t been to the basement since he quit his job at the pizza place. Sungchan’s whereabouts were also unknown, and whenever he would bump into Geonu in the hallways, he was met with firm resistance.

“Don’t talk to me unless you’ve figured out a way to fix this entire mess.” The lead singer’s voice looped in his head.

Beomgyu didn’t believe in a lot of things, but now, he believed in one thing and one thing only: Pillars and foundations of a building can be broken, but they can also be repaired. If you were what kept everything from falling apart, then maybe it was his fate to be the carpenter that rebuilt all the things that he had managed to destroy. Donning the same, neon red hair dye and scuffed combat boots, he decided to live out his life as the boy who simply wanted to see his favorite band play one, final show in the place where he knew he could be himself, free of the shackles that bound him in a life of academic rigor, a lack of identity, and an endless battle of finally finding who he truly was.

“So you weren’t joking about Dad giving the trust to his secretary instead of us, his goddamn kids…” You remember saying to your brother when you saw your father laying unconscious in the hospital bed. To you, your father was a figure of utmost respect and order, someone who didn’t suit the strings and tubes of IV drips and an oxygen mask. He was an innovator, a natural leader that was always meant to stay seated right in the middle of everything—whether it was the dining table or the main meeting room of Kim & Lee LLC. It was your first time seeing him outside of his usual pristine, tidy suit, and you didn’t know what to feel about the sudden change in appearance. Sure, he has aged, but even in old age, you had at least expected him to live and fight for his life for ten more years, still donning a black, expensive suit with utmost pride.

“Isn’t this ridiculous?” Your brother replied, crossing his arms. The one thing that separated you from your brother was how difficult his expression was to read. Even in the face of adversary and doubt, he always managed to carry with him an aura of unyielding demonstration, refusing to display his woes on his sleeve.

“Yeah, I guess,”

“You know, I never wanted to consider you as a part of the family,”

“I know,”

“But this is a crucial time for all of us, and—”

“So what? Are you gonna create a fucking coalition of sorts within the family and try to sue Dad? The current owner and founder of the firm?”

It didn’t even scathe you one bit that your brother had, for the first time, openly shown his disdain towards you. It was always evident in the way he would avoid you around the house, never uttering a single word to you unless it had something to do with your academic achievements or the future of the firm. When your father announced that his solid line of succession had been broken by your existence, your brother moved out to America, only coming back when news broke that your father’s health was waning. It had always been that way since the two of you were children; the two of you were only siblings by family name and nothing more.

“If it’s several against one, old man, I’m sure we’ll win,” He coldly stated, flipping through several documents that outlined the future of the firm. There were many things you hated about your family, and your brother was the best example of why that was the case. Even if you refused to believe it, the opportunistic trait that carried your family’s name for generations was a genetic plight that even you couldn’t escape.

“Don’t you even have a shred of humanity within you? That’s our Dad, and he’s dying!”

“You didn’t look like you cared enough to arrive at the hospital on time,”

I was spending time with my friends! The only people who cared about me! You kept your mouth closed, demonstrating a pensiveness that only the law society and Beomgyu have seen you perfected. As always, your brother’s lips were pressed in a firm, thin line, eyes never acknowledging your existence. To him, the papers were more important than whatever was in front of him.

“You didn’t look like you cared enough to even be there,” You retorted, mimicking the same nonchalance that soon became your family’s trademark.

“My point exactly,” He hummed. “You know how terrible he was to us when we were children, right?”

“That doesn’t excuse ousting him from his position, though,”

“If his so-called leadership and stubbornness is what’s bringing the firm down, then I think it’s about time he left his post,”

“And you’re telling me that you’re the better alternative?”

It was one thing to admit that your brother was right, but it was another to acknowledge him as the next best option in the line of succession. Despite your father’s rather tumultuous decisions that came as a result of senility and burgeoning egoism, he was a natural at micromanagement. Even in his old age, he still commanded an air of elitism that only leaders had. Your brother, on the other hand, lacked such charisma. For all his smarts and his efforts, he simply didn’t have it in him to wield the same charm and authority that your father did in his younger years. Even if he was a spitting image of him, there was no denying that the resemblance was only in the skin. For what your father had in terms of innate control and governance, your brother fell short of such defining qualities. While you had made a name for yourself as a promising air, he was forever tainted in the tabloids as your father’s shadow, forever chasing behind the outline of his pointed shoulders.

“Well, I mean—”

“Shut the fuck up,” You spat. “I got better grades than you when you were a kid. I was first place in everything, and you were second at best. I attend the best school in the country, and, as always, you got rejected, opting for inferior schools. I’m already getting offers to attend law school in Ivy League institutions, while you had to beg your professors for a recommendation letter to even try to get into Columbia or Yale. You had your first internship at our company? Motherfucker, I worked at Morgan & Stanley Korea when I was nineteen. You think you’re the only alternative? You think you’re the next best option? Grow the fuck up and sit down. You’re just lucky to be where you are right now because you’re Daddy’s first.”

Now, three months later, you wished you could say more—not to your brother, but to your unconscious father lying down on his eventual deathbed. You wanted to cuss him out; you wanted to tell him how horrible he was; you wanted to plug his life support off then and there; you wanted to maul him into pieces; you wanted to slap him the same way he did when you would do every little thing to disappoint him; you wanted to take all his money and run away; you wanted him to experience the same pain and suffering of being a bastard child that should have never been born in the first place.

But, by doing so, you were admitting defeat. You were succumbing to an ideal scenario of revenge that would leave you unsatisfied even when your father would die on the spot. As much as it tempted you to destroy him when he was chained by his disease, you were in the game long enough to know that there was a better life out there waiting for you—a life of a true winner. You’ve wasted your entire existence on being the perfect heiress, but now, it was time for change. Now that you were disowned, you were free, and in your eyes, this was a victory in disguise.

And luck would have it that your pleas for freedom would be answered in a single phone call that sealed the deal.

“We just got a deal from DooRooDooRoo, they got back to us about the record deal,” Geonu had called you a month later, when you were spending every single day under the comforts of your duvet. Back then, you couldn’t even tell that a month had passed, because everything had remained frozen in time. Each passing sunrise and sunset meant nothing to you when seeing your father’s bedridden image would always feel like yesterday. In a sense, time had been completely difficult to track, and you opted for stopping your clocks altogether, tearing off the calendar in your apartment, and replacing it with its original white walls. You didn’t think that the newfound sparseness of your apartment would worsen the lagging of time that hazed your entire being, but it didn’t matter to you. You were out of school, and you didn’t have a schedule to follow anymore. Why place a calendar on the wall when all the dates are merged into one?

“What do you mean record deal?” You replied, keeping the phone on speaker to hear his voice. “Geon, we’re a cover band, I doubt they’d even want to sign us because we didn’t send them an original demo,”

Truthfully, the only thing that made the time pass was when you were in front of the electric drum kit in your room, replaying the same songs that once brought you joy in the basement that you managed to call your sanctuary. You contemplated leaving your apartment to visit it once in a while, but there was something in you that didn’t allow you to face Geonu, Sungchan, and Jeongin. What were you going to say to them? They already knew everything the moment the tabloids embarked on a journey of defamation, bearing their voracious fangs on another opportunity—a good story that would destroy the stronghold of your family’s empire. All they needed to know were in the headlines of each news article that was displayed on their television screens and their phones. If Geonu was right about signing a record deal with one of Korea’s biggest indie labels, then it would be bad press to have a fallen heiress as its core member.

“I sent them the track you worked on,” He stated an amalgamation of static breaching your ears. He was definitely in the basement—most likely alone. The day you disappeared, Sungchan had also gone missing, turning off all his devices and blocking off any form of contact. The same could be said for Jeongin, sans the drastic effort to cut all ties with everyone else. You could still get a hold of him, but it would be in inconsistent lapses of time where he would either sound groggy or overtly happy—nothing in between, and especially nothing like his usual self when he was active in the band. Word had reached your ears from his roommate that Jeongin was admitted to the psychiatric ward a few weeks ago, the culprit being psychosis and his sudden relapse into the same, old habits that marred him in his younger years.

Ironically, the news you would get from the people that you usually surrounded yourself with when you were a student didn’t come from themselves, but rather, from Beomgyu. Even if you didn’t answer his incessant calls, he would always leave you a voice note every day, detailing his new life as the president of the law society, the current status of your bandmates, and even little tidbits of his life. Without fail, he would always send these in at around six in the evening, making that hour the only way you could tell time. Before you knew it, you kept your watch active, setting an alarm with your smart home monitor to alert you whenever the hour was coming. Then, you would hide under your covers, pressing your cheeks on the cool, glass surface of your phone to hear his voice. Sometimes, you would close your eyes, watching fleeting images of a life that could’ve stayed intact had your father not succumbed to old age. Beomgyu had the voice of a narrator, and each description and detail he provided painted a picture of fragmented memories that felt distant yet so far away.

“What?” You screeched. You didn’t know how to talk to Geonu, and it was a shame that someone you played music with every day suddenly felt like a total stranger. You were too used to Beomgyu’s soothing voice giving you a glimpse of the outside world, that it didn’t occur to you that the current phone call you were having wasn’t a product of one of Beomgyu’s scheduled voice messages.

“The track that was in our drafts like, before you went MIA,”

“You mean Carpe Diem? That’s just something I wrote when I was bored, though,”

There were too many sessions in the basement that led to unfinished songs and fragmented drafts, but there was one, concrete product out of all the practices you’ve had as Joker In that never left your head. You couldn’t pinpoint the exact date of writing and actively composing the song, but it was certainly around your sixth or seventh night as Joker In when you began to voice more of your creative inputs into the musical journey that Geonu commanded.

It was perhaps around the summer season when Jeongin had just replaced Felix as the new bassist of the band. You were sitting on a draft that you had carried with you since high school with your covert experimentations with the adolescent underground music scene. The song was obviously incomplete, but you had the drum track narrowed down to perfection after years of working on it and rearranging some of the fills and sections, experimenting with complex time signatures while retaining a certain sense of replayability that many radio-friendly songs had. At first, it was just a side project that you conjured up after Beomgyu had challenged you to write a song. It may have counted as cheating to repurpose a draft that you made before meeting him, but so long as you changed and updated the song, then it could’ve counted as a new song. By then, you were still on shaky terms with Sungchan, so you opted to ask Geonu to play both the rhythm and lead sections of the guitar. Felix had happily worked on the bass when he was still in Korea, changing a few things here and there to suit his rather intricate playing style. You had worked with Geonu for a few weekends to complete the lyrical bits of the song, but each draft left you in an uninspired mess. Being eloquent in your essays and your courses certainly didn’t translate well into poetry, and even Geonu’s longtime experience with writing lyrics couldn’t quell the dissatisfaction you had with the piece.

That was until you decided to write your frustrations about Beomgyu, matching up each word, rhyme, and cadence with the tune that you believed you had perfected. You showed Geonu the first draft, solidifying your efforts with his nod of approval. He worked on rearranging a few words to fit the bridge and the chorus, and then, the song was suddenly scrapped. You didn’t know if it was because the band got busy with a surge of live shows and activities, or if you just didn’t want to work on the song any longer. All you knew was that by the time you decided to let go of the song, Beomgyu had replaced your brother and the rest of your family as enemy number one, making the song a daily reminder of him and his deplorable antics.

“Well, Sungchan completed his bits and covered Jeongin’s bass parts. I sang through it with some of the lyrics I came up with when I was listening to the initial track,”

“Wait… you got a hold of Sungchan?”

Sungchan's whereabouts were kept under wraps since the day you left the hospital and your university for good. At first, you tried to call him, but his number was non-existent on the third ring. Text messages led to nowhere, and his account on Kakao had been defunct when you checked the band’s group chat. The only remnant of his identity was left in Beomgyu’s daily voice messages to you, where he speculated that he might have gone back home somewhere in Seoul.

“I saw someone who might have looked like Sungchan at the station near Mapo-gu today, but I could be wrong. These days, high schoolers are basically giants now, and it’s pretty hard to tell, but I’m still searching for him nonetheless. Did you know? He chased after me when I tried to go to the hospital to see you. We had a long conversation by the vending machine, and then, he just disappeared like that. I think I owe him a lot, really, and if it weren’t for him, then I doubt I’d have the conscience to make things right. Once again, I’m sorry for being a coward that could only apologize through these stupid voice messages. You deserve so much more than that, and even if you don’t wanna see me, the least I could do is try to make amends. You can forget about me after that, but I just wanted you to know that I never hated you—really. I did say that a lot, and Heeseung might disagree, but I don’t think I hated you. I think it was a bit of the opposite.”

You could vividly picture the outlines of Beomgyu and Sungchan by the vending machine near Jeongin’s apartment, sharing a drink or two as they talked about the sudden turn of events. Without Geonu, who often brought out the best and the worst in him, Sungchan was the diplomatic type who disliked conflict. You were aware of him giving warnings here and there to Beomgyu whenever you would storm off from a heated argument with him, but you didn’t know that he would go to such lengths to make things right—and now, the only trace you had of who you could finally call your best friend was in the images that Beomgyu would leave in his voice notes and an unknown text message that read I got rejected.

“It’s a long story, but he signed the deal. You’re the only one that needs to sign it—of course, if you want to. I mean, I know how much your career and all that matters to you, so it’s no pressure. If you want, I can—”

“I’m signing it,”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I’m signing it,” You repeated without preamble. Back then, music was just a hobby for you—a way to escape the fast-paced, yet unchanging life of perfecting your image as the ideal candidate to lead your former family’s firm. In your younger years, the thought of pursuing music full-time and escaping the legal field to attend a music college in the heart of Seoul had plagued you, but you let the only thing you’ve known your entire life take over. Now that the foundations of your identity were shackled, you believed it was high time for you to rebuild everything you had lost in the process, facing forward to a newfound pursuit instead of constantly staying in the present.

“Damn…” You could hear Geonu slowly sniffle in the distance as if he were right next to you. The empty walls of your bedroom had suddenly transformed into the decrepit, unpainted cement that lined the basement. The scent of rotting, molding pizza and lukewarm beer wafted your nose, bringing you back to the sanctuary that you would now call your one, true home.

“What?”

“I just… You know… it’s been a while since we’ve last seen you, and I just didn’t expect you to sign the deal…”

Now, you could tell that Geonu was crying—something he never did in front of anyone unless he was drunk enough to let his tear ducts do the job. You took the phone away from your cheek, taking your comforter to dab a few splotches of wet tears that slowly trickled down your face.

“Well, a lot can happen in three months. I’m not in school anymore, I’ve been disowned, and I’m out of the line of succession. I’ve been given an apartment and some hush money to do whatever the fuck I want, and my so-called family has nothing to do with me anymore. I’m free to choose whatever I wanna do, and I think I’d like to tour with you guys for the rest of my life. I never thought I’d be saying this, but fuck, man. I need you guys.”

“I could say the same for you, asshole. Now quit moping around and get your ass in the studio. We’ll be recording and perfecting our debut album until we can all get a house in Europe and live with fast cars, big houses, and a nice life on the hillside.”

“Sounds like a cult or something,”

“Joker In is basically a cult, and we’re nothing without our founding member, so hurry up and get your ass to the studio. Now.” Before you ended the call, you could hear Geonu’s wide smile welcoming you back to the studio. You ended the call and tossed your phone on your bed, taking your bag of weary drum sticks with you. The map that led to the basement was entrenched in your head, and for the first time, you kicked your sneakers back onto the soles of your feet, jingling the keys to your apartment between your fingers as you heard the click that confirmed the safety of your house. You didn’t even check to see if the door was fully locked. None of that mattered when you were finally coming home.

Sungchan had told you personally that Geonu rejected him in the most “Geonu” way possible. A few days after the band’s reunion in the basement, he had invited you for coffee in one of the cafes near campus. At first, you wanted to change the location of your meeting. After all, being seen as a dropout was the last thing you wanted in your gradual return to life. However, the curiosity within you didn’t seem to die down when you breathed in the air of young adulthood and fast-paced trains. The cafe had always been there since you were a first year, and yet it had only occurred to you now to visit it and see what it had to offer.

It was a quick, heartfelt conversation between slices of apple crumble and hot cups of warm, camomile tea. He didn’t even give you a greeting; he just sat you down and told you that Geonu didn’t like him back.

“He said it was to keep the band intact, but I’m sure that’s just his way of telling me that he still wanted me in his life—you know? Even if he didn’t like me that way,”

You would’ve expected an underlying tension in the room during your first few practice sessions with the band, but the moment you entered the basement, everything was left as it was. The rotting boxes of pizza continued to collect mold and mildew, dyeing everything in a murky shade of green. All of the instruments collected dust—a remnant of a time when everything was actively used. Curled ends of guitar strings were strewn on the floor, uncleaned and unscathed since the moment everyone decided to take a break from the basement’s security. The only thing that struck you as a testament to time was how clean the abandoned house looked, perhaps due to a lack of usage. Conversations persisted the way they usually did, and before you knew it, everything was back to normal. Jeongin looked thinner than usual, but he had the same, bright aura of joy and the same passion for Eurovision that he did as before. Sungchan and Geonu continued to bicker in the same manner that they always did, letting the elephant in the room stay dormant. There was no awkward tension or uncomfortable silence that engulfed the entire band, and before you knew it, Joker In was coming closer and closer to perfecting their debut album.

Today was a different story. There was an announcement by Geonu that practice would commence as usual, and it was granted that there would be a couple of sleepovers in the basement since the deadline to pitch your demo to the label was coming to a close. Being one of the more punctual bandmates out of the rest, you decided to show up an hour earlier, carrying several backpacks filled with toiletries, instant food, and a comforter that held you in your worst breaks.

“Guys?” You called, only to hear your voice bounce back to you.

It was normal to hold pranks in the studio, but hide and seek wasn’t the band’s forte. Even if Geonu used his height to his advantage and crept behind small cracks of furniture and large amplifiers, you would always manage to find his mop of hair sticking out in the distance. Sungchan’s footsteps were too loud to ignore, and Jeongin was terrible at keeping his laughter at bay. None of those remnants of your bandmates was present in the studio, and all you could do was heave a sigh at the fact that they might be late.

Then, there was an eerie feeling that began to consume you. No matter how many times you’ve run up and down the entire house to see if anyone was there, you were left with an empty feeling of solitude, even if you were sure that you weren’t the only one in the building. There was an unshakable presence that made it too difficult for you to ignore, and after ceaselessly checking the same hiding spots again and again, you decided to halt your search altogether and give up. Heeseung often joked about the basement’s ideal location as a horror movie set, so maybe he was right about a few lost souls from the war that lurked in the corners of the basement.

“You know, this place could have been a burial ground or something, right?” You remembered him saying amidst a flurry of smoke from his bong. Perhaps he was right, and it was about time that you coined yourself a believer of the paranormal. Dropping out of school and throwing away your potential degree was the last thing you imagined, so if the unpredictable managed to stir your life in a completely different direction, then maybe ghosts did exist. Right?

“Hey…” A voice that only existed within your phone’s voice messages popped up behind your ears. You managed to let out a shrill shriek, quickly turning around to see a man with bright, red hair. His black nails were chipped to the edges, and his dark, grey jeans were distressed to reveal his protruding knees. The scuff marks on his combat boots were accentuated by the dull luster of leather that shone in the sunlight that seeped into the basement.

“Oh, hi there,” You replied, clearing your throat as you collected yourself. It didn’t occur to you that three months could change anyone this drastically, but seeing your former rival in an outfit that didn’t suit him eased all of the apprehension that was built up in your system.

“I know I’m the last person you want to see right now,” Beomgyu whispered. You weren’t used to seeing him so solemn, and you certainly couldn’t shake the dissonance in the calmness that he exuded. Even if you hadn’t seen Beomgyu in a while, you always associated him with a ball of anger that threatened to explode at any second, and now, the only thing that resembled his fiery passion was the bright, poorly dyed red dye that stained his head.

“Well, not really. You’re up there, don’t get me wrong, but you’re definitely below my half-brother, my father, and basically every single person in my family.” You said with a small, awkward smile.

“Oh, well, that’s good to know, I guess?” Beomgyu asked. He expected you to question his disguise or his presence, but perhaps you weren’t as dense as he thought. Maybe you knew who he was right from the start, even in your drunken state when you decided to send him home from a gig that felt like ancient history.

“Did your brother tell you what happened?”

“No, but your face was all over the internet for a while. Some tabloids saying Kim & Lee LLC’s star daughter had been removed from the line of succession after it’s been exposed that you were in the underground music scene,”

“Jesus…” You couldn’t help but laugh. “Out of all the reasons that they could’ve chosen, they chose that,”

“Yeah…” His voice was barely a whisper now, and he stuffed his hands in his jean pockets, the same way he did when he nervously walked home with you from the bus stop. “I also heard that your band got signed.”

“Through Heeseung?”

“No, through Sungchan actually,”

“Wow, I never expected him to talk to you like that,”

“I know, right?”

The light in Beomgyu’s eyes had disappeared, mellowing him out into a completely different person. Now that you had the chance to think about it, his newfound rebellious look suited him more when he would incessantly curse at you and call you by all of the profanities that the Korean language had to offer. The clean-cut, professional air of arrogance that he carried was reserved for the silent meekness that Beomgyu now exuded.

“So, why are you here?” You asked.

“The boys told me you were coming,”

“Ah…”

You checked the group chat and saw a flurry of texts from the rest of your bandmates detailing their tardiness. Geonu never went to the music shop since he would usually borrow instruments and equipment from his vast network of student musicians, and Sungchan was never the type to be late over a visit to the record store. Jeongin was a bad liar, and it was evident in his texting patterns that he tried his best to cover everything up with a rather believable excuse of waking up late from a nap.

“They set us up, didn’t they?” You scoffed. Beomgyu slowly nodded—the confirmation that you needed to finally piece everything together.

“I mean, three-ish years of basically wanting to kill each other needs to come to an end at some point, right? And it’s not like I’m graduating since I’ve already dropped out of uni…”

Beomgyu continued to fidget with the edges of his pockets, whistling a low, barely audible tune as he lightly kicked the can of empty beer that landed on the sole of his combat boots. When the can rolled over to your feet, you returned it to him with a stronger kick, initiating a simple game of soccer that allowed Beomgyu to display his years of practice in the varsity team.

“I quit the Law Society, and I also quit the debates team.” Beomgyu interrupted, keeping the can to himself instead of kicking it back to you. He began to do a few tricks and keepy-ups, stopping at the fifth pass to kick the can back to you.

“Oh,”

“I’m off student clubs for a while, and I’m just focused on getting my degree,”

“What happened to the Choi Beomgyu who wanted to be the best at everything?” You retorted with a grin, turning the can into an impromptu volleyball.

“You get to a certain point where none of that even matters anymore, really.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah…”

Now, the can was on the ground. You kicked it into a nearby corner and used your bag as a seat, taking your comforter out to wrap yourself around its soft surface. Beomgyu hesitated before joining you on the floor, maintaining a sense of empty space between the two of you. Your eyes traced the thin, sheer curtains that flowed back and forth with the gust of wind that cooled the basement, tracing its trajectory until your eyes landed on Beomgyu’s lonesome outline.

“Wanna… you know? Talk about it?” You asked, wrapping the comforter tighter around your shoulders.

“I think we should talk about you first,” He replied with a smile that used to be reserved for everyone else apart from you.

“Right… Well, I’ve been disowned! Yay!”

“You’re a full-time musician now, though,”

“Another yay!”

The basement had always been a place where you would escape Beomgyu for the simple reason that people like him brought you back to the familial infighting that plagued your childhood. It was a place reserved for music and music only, not a place to recall the copious amounts of studying and perfectionism that you allowed yourself to suffer through in your three-year rivalry with him. You would’ve never imagined that one day, you would be able to share this place with someone like him, but something about having him sit a couple of spaces next to you as you caught up with him felt right, rendering the intensity and tension that you associated with him into an evaporating mist.

“Man, you’re actually funny,” He said behind a light chuckle.

“And you’re actually pretty nice behind all your stupid dick jokes,” You retorted with the same, gentle sentiment. You took a can of lemon seltzer out of your bag and tossed it in his direction. He caught it mid-air and gave you an even brighter smile, glassy eyes scanning through the can with awe and nostalgia as he opened it and took its nectarine contents between his lips.

“Anyway, what about you? What’s going on?” You asked, taking a water bottle out and twisting the cap open.

“I think I’m gonna stick to being a lawyer, but I’m definitely staying out of the family drama,” Beomgyu replied. The can of lemon seltzer was now on the ground.

“I thought big pharma and the medical industry didn’t have as much fun as we do in the private sector,”

“After I kind of got over my brother being cut out for the job more than I did, I just felt the need to stop being bitter. I mean, it’s whatever. I don’t really care anymore about my parents telling me that I’m basically a disgrace to the Choi name. I overcomplicated my entire life by focusing on that the moment I started breathing, and I think it’s about damn time I act like a fucking lawyer and defend myself from them instead of constantly looking to them for approval.”

“That’s not a very Choi Beomgyu thing to say,” You laughed, rolling the water bottle until it knocked over his can of lemon seltzer. Its contents began pouring out into the wooden floorboards, and you knew Geonu was going to scold you about it later.

“Well, the Choi Beomgyu now is not the same as the Choi Beomgyu three months ago,” He replied with a smile, as if to tell you that he’d stick around to help you clean up the mess once everyone else arrived.

“I still don’t get why you hated me so much though,”

If Beomgyu were to apologize to you at the hospital or right after the Eurovision watch party, you weren’t sure if you had it in you to forgive him. This wasn’t out of the bitterness and pent-up grudges that you managed to hold onto for so long, but rather, it was more so out of your own pride. You were sure that you would take his apology as is and never speak to him again out of a failure to admit that you, too, had crossed the line when you brought out the same traumas surrounding his own family and his brother.

Three months of silence was all it took for you to admit that a three-year rivalry felt like a childish game. In essence, the two of you were one and the same, both marred by the heavy expectations of generational wealth and status. Even if there were slight differences in your respective stories, perhaps the intense hostility that characterized the two of you came from the same place—one that made it rather difficult to see each other as equals or separate people. You didn’t know if Beomgyu felt the same, but the peak of your aggression with him certainly came from a hidden, inner dilemma that came from seeing yourself in Beomgyu’s glassy, beady eyes.

“I actually came down here to explain all that, to be honest—then again, I already feel like I did it pretty well when I talked about my brother and whatnot.”

“Some sort of innate, deep-seated inferiority complex since you were always compared to everyone around you?” You retorted and whistled, prompting Beomgyu to muster a dejected nod in your direction.

“Yeah, that.”

You know, I had the same thing with my own brother too. Crazy, right? You thought but kept those words to yourself. Words weren’t needed between the two of you anymore; you knew him long enough to understand that he could probably guess what was on your mind.

“Can I be honest?” You interrupted, taking your comforter and tossing it between his lap. You shuffled closer until the space between the two of you ceased to exist. Beomgyu reluctantly nodded again and took your blanket in his palms, feeling through its seams as he stared at the setting sun.

“I thought you already were,”

“Well, I mean, really honest.”

“Shoot,”

“I actually knew you were sneaking into our gigs.”

A part of Beomgyu wanted to get up and run out of the basement, but another part of him knew that he should’ve trusted his gut from the start. Though he was aware of socially dense, book-smart academics, he was sure you weren’t of the sort. From managing the law society with impeccable leadership down to being a core member of a band, he knew deep down that adept communication and management skills came with social awareness. Nonetheless, he took the confession with ease, admiring the events at the night bus with a newfound perspective.

“I played dumb because I didn’t wanna ruin things for you, you know? Music is something that brings people together, and I can understand that in some ways, being in this basement was a safe space for you—some sort of escape from all the bullshit that your parents put you through,” You explained, heaving a sigh as you kicked the now empty can of lemon seltzer towards the same corner where the crushed, dented beer can had landed.

“And at first, I thought you weren’t so bad. I mean, you actively came to our shows even if, for whatever reason, you hated me at school. I think my thing about the entire ordeal is how I can’t wrap my head around you being so mean to me.”

He always knew you were honest, but he didn’t think you would be honest in such a raw, authentic way—especially with him.

“Like I’ve said, the Beomgyu three months ago is a different Beomgyu. I didn’t really know how to process the grudges I’d held against my parents since I was kid, so I guess I took it out on the people I’ve been compared to,” He replied, after a few seconds of silent pondering.

“Is that really it?” You asked, repeating his pensiveness with your own rendition of a long, drawn-out pause.

“Yeah, that’s it, I guess,”

“Are you sure?”

“What are you trying to say?”

You grabbed your comforter and tossed it into his face, running behind the drum kit in anticipation of an attack. Instead of seeing your comforter fly across the studio, however, Beomgyu remained still, slowly taking off the cotton blanket and neatly folding it into a pile beside your backpack.

“That you were obsessed with me,” You finally joked. The sun had completely set, and there were no signs of your bandmates coming into the basement anytime soon. Heaving a sigh of relief, you took a seat on the stool that saw the best of your musical abilities, grabbing a thin, 7A drum stick that was worn down in an amalgamation of splinters and cracks. You twirled each stick around your fingers, humming a light, jazzy beat on your head before hitting the ride cymbal and placing your feet on the hi-hat pedal.

“You’re not entirely wrong,” Beomgyu retorted, taking a seat on one of the amplifiers as he watched you perform a small solo that reminded him of the bossa nova records that would often leak out of his maid’s earphones. “I did find you pretty cute, I just wished you didn’t show your cards as a teacher’s pet in our first classes together,”

“Little boy couldn’t handle being bested by a girl?”

“No, more like little boy couldn’t handle being bested by a nepo baby,”

The crash cymbals rang in Beomgyu’s ears, but he didn’t step away from the noise. After hearing your band’s studio sessions on several online music streaming platforms for so long, he couldn’t resist the opportunity of watching you play live in such close proximity. To him, you were surely a one-of-a-kind musician, one that managed to turn senseless beats and fills into a melodic journey.

“Not anymore!” You yelled, tapping your sticks to the side of the snare drum while kicking the bass drum’s pedal to accentuate each rhythmic interval with timed, yet deeply dispersed vibrations.

“Ex-nepo baby,” Beomgyu corrected. He wanted to pick the acoustic guitar beside one of the larger amplifiers in the basement, but he resisted the temptation to play alongside you.

“That’s more like it,” You said with a smile, halting your drum solo and slipping your sticks back into a small, slender bag. Pushing your weight off your stool, you leaned backward until you could reach the hilt of the acoustic guitar, gently handing it over to Beomgyu as you readjusted the towel that lined the entire snare drum. He took it and admired the woodwork, recalling the chords that he had taught himself when he was a teenager that had the ability to dream.

“So, what do you wanna do?” He asked, bitterly scrunching his nose as the dissonance of untuned strings reverberated in his ears. You tilted your head to the side, but Beomgyu took his palm up in the air to stop you from getting up from your stool again.

Thom Yorke was right, everyone can play the guitar.

“Can you sing?” You asked, leaning your chin onto your palm while keeping your elbows leveled onto the cotton surface of the towel on top of the snare drum.

“Sorta?” Beomgyu replied with a shrug.

“Can you set up the mic on your own?”

“I think so?”

“Great, show me what you’ve got. I’m sure being a big fan also means belting out notes like Geonu, right?” Once Beomgyu was confident enough about the tuning of the guitar, he started to strum the chords that lined each stanza to the song you wrote. Instead of playing along, you deepened your trance and kept your eyes on his slouched figure, watching a man that could’ve been a musician with you in a different world. The basement had always been a sanctuary for the two of you, and now, free of all the ills of wealth and familial obligations, you openly shared your secure liberation with him, watching him play a song that was written for him.

EPILOGUE: CARPE DIEM

Wе'll play our love against your hate

Don't you count on us to let you win today

Today

Through the corners of your eyes, you could see Beomgyu in his so-called disguise: bright, long, red hair sprayed on with less than perfect agility and accuracy, torn sleeves that revealed his stick-and-poke tattoos across his arms and chest, ripped jeans to match his long legs, and a pair of combat boots that made his walk turn into awkward waddles between the dance floor and the bar. God forbid you found him attractive in the daylight, but the nighttime brought out a different beast in him. He wasn’t the snobbish, prideful boy that you would bicker with during your law modules; he wasn’t the sharp-tongued asshole you wanted to fight in the middle of the hallways; he wasn’t the man that made you feel less than a woman whenever he unluckily graced you with his presence; he was just Choi Beomgyu—a lost boy under the dark, neon lights of the disco ball of fate that spun the two of you together in a distorted, complicated mosaic of trials and tribulations.

You wouldn’t dare admit it, but you found him rather attractive from the start. That was the reason why you wanted to catch his attention when you first met him in your first-year orientation. Back then, he had sleek, black hair, trimmed to perfection to explicitly embody his status with a single look. While you presented yourself as the exact opposite of who he used to look like, there was no harm in trying, right?

Who knew that your lack of courage to speak to him and befriend him from the start would spur a three—almost four-year—rivalry of academic battles and hurt? You certainly didn’t predict it, but perhaps fate worked in wonderful ways, as he was now doing two-steps to a song that you wrote, composed, and poured all your heart into.

A song about Choi Beomgyu.

We danced and played until the sun came

Writing a story using our names

About a generation not afraid to seize the day

Geonu’s voice was the perfect touch to the lyrical prose and intricacies you communicated through the song. It was sweet, yet packed a pang of pain in each syllable—something that you always applauded him for. What made his performance better was how it made Beomgyu’s wasted presence look like an angel—as if Geonu’s voice was the spell you needed to finally see the man as a divine, untouchable being in your eyes. The test lights of all different colors glowed like a halo on the crown of Beomgyu’s head, and with the last cymbal to end the song, you immediately got up and dove to the crowd, throwing your drum sticks behind as your lips grazed the man you’ve hated for the past three years.

Beomgyu couldn’t tell if he was too drunk or if he’s waited for this moment since he saw you on the edge of the row at an introductory elective he chose to fill his schedule, but he took your arms in his in one, fell swoop, catching you in your fall with the sturdiness of his grip. In an instant, all of the feelings he had for you blended into a single word: love.

Who knew that hate was not the opposite of love? He certainly didn’t. In a sense, he should’ve listened to Heeseung from the start and swallowed his stubborn pride—then again, he also knew that life didn’t work that way. At this moment, he thanked his unyielding nature for allowing him to be with you for three, long years. Even if there was an incessant voice within him that complained about the prospects of being with you earlier had he not been so difficult, there was an equal part of happiness within him that was completely satisfied with the way things were. Chance worked in wonderful, albeit unpredictable ways, and maybe if he didn’t hate you so much, he wouldn’t even know of your existence from the start.

The crowd around the two of you cheered as they watched you engulf Beomgyu in another, languid embrace. Their voices were mere whispers filtered with the booming sound of Geonu’s speech in the microphone and Sungchan’s own guitar solos; all you could see was Beomgyu’s angelic face between your soft, sweaty palms. The rush of adrenaline that usually came with playing shows was now replaced with the gentle hums that echoed across the cages of your chest, aching with a pulsating pain that threatened to implode inside of you.

“You’re such a loser,” Beomgyu whispered, taking the back of your hands in his as he caressed the surface of your knuckles with his thumb. You could feel his rapid pulse quicken by the amount of alcohol he consumed, but that didn’t matter. You didn’t need to be inebriated to feel a certain way.

“Shut up,” You retorted, touching the tip of your nose on his before climbing back up to the stage to finish the song one and for all.

With the band together, arm in arm, the four of you gave the crowd the last bow you’ll ever give them. Salty tears were shed, roaring claps and cries for an encore were heard in the distance, and the only person in your eyes was Beomgyu, who was sober enough to stand still and spill his drink in your face. In return, you blew him a kiss and threw a single drum stick in his direction, watching him effortlessly catch it and twirl it between his fingers. As the chants for an encore grew louder, you stared at each of your sweat-ridden bandmates—all of them nodding at the last request.

“Alright, assholes,” Geonu began, taking the mic stand apart and throwing it to the side. “You asked for it, so we’ll give you one more performance. One more, yeah?”

Sungchan didn’t even need to play the first chord to the song; Jeongin didn’t need to pluck the strings to his bass; you didn’t need to go back to your drum kit to strike the first beat; Geonu didn’t need a microphone to signal the first note of the song. Everyone knew what the next performance was going to be, and they crowded around the stage, forming a circle with Beomgyu at the center.

This one’s for you, prick. You mouthed with a wide, ear-to-ear grin on your face. You took a can of lukewarm beer and pierced it right in the middle with your teeth, watching the crowd gaud you to finish it all in one go. Then, you crushed the empty can in your fingers and threw it to the side, rushing back to your band as they all sat on the edge of the stage.

“You guys know the words to this one, right?” Geonu shouted. The crowd roared with approval and kept their feet still in anticipation despite the hazy inebriation that turned their vision into a mere collection of blurred movements. The alcohol had rushed past your bloodstream and circulated in your head, forming a telescope that pointed to Beomgyu as your one and only North Star.

Look me straight into the eyes,

When I truthfully lie to you

For a graduation gig, this was perhaps one of the best gifts you could ever ask for. No amount of material desire could replicate the sense of community felt within the tiny, decrepit basement that your band has called home. Now that you’ve thought about it, this basement didn’t seem to belong to your band anymore. It belonged to everyone in the room. Those who wanted to escape a life of mundanity and academic pressures, those who wanted to forget about the time they fucked up their jobs, those who wanted to remember their youths with rose-colored lenses and shagadelic sad boy music, and those who just wanted a place where they could be themselves. The basement was a home—no, a sanctuary—that welcomed everyone with open arms—even the likes of Choi Beomgyu.

Dreams are of your taste,

Mornings smell like you

You took control of the chorus and screamed to your heart’s content. Everyone’s voices blended into a harmonious blend of heartfelt solidarity. There were people making out in the corner of the bathroom, those that were too drunk to stand and yet muttered the lyrics in the best way they could, and the strongest soldiers of your long setlist remaining still, arm in arm with each other as they continued to sing the lyrics with you and your band. Beomgyu was still in the middle, eyes glued to your swaying figure as you slowly descended from the stage again with a microphone in your hand.

The compass fails to listen to me,

My lost soul’s wandering,

And searching for the path that leads to you

Geonu, Sungchan, and Jeongin descended the stage too and started interacting with the crowd. You could see Heeseung in the distance waving at you with two joints between his fingers and a girl clad in a bright green apron in his other arm. He gave you a thumbs up and bowed before going to the bar, and you returned his gesture with a fervent scream of gratitude. You then took Beomgyu’s head and ruffled his hair, letting the residue of his red dye stain your palms.

“So that’s what the song meant,” Beomgyu whispered right next to your ears, watching your panting figure gulp down an entire bottle of water in one go. He took the microphone from your hands and sang the last verse to the of his best abilities, letting his mind scavenge through all the times he’s secretly listened to your band’s discography on Soundcloud. There was no use in pretending he didn’t know any of the words when he’s spent every waking moment listening to Joker In on his commute to and from campus.

“Yeah, kind of funny, right?” You replied, tossing the empty bottle to a nearby trash can. Beomgyu tossed the microphone back to Geonu, who was now being nursed back to health by Sungchan. You gave the two a nod and took Beomgyu’s hand to leave the confines of the basement.

Now that the two of you were outside, you breathed in the fresh scent of grass and greeneries that surrounded the abandoned house. The night sky in hues of navy evoked divine iridescence with the hymns of the crickets and fireflies that sparked the outskirts of town into a bright, starlit grove of secrecy. You took another can of beer that you hid inside the pockets of your overalls and crushed it open, offering a sip to Beomgyu once you were finished taking a large gulp. He refused, leaning his tall frame on the unpainted walls of the house. The noise from the basement echoed into the vast, empty skies. Everyone’s voice seemed to repeat the chorus of the song in muffled hums, and you joined their choir with a quiet rendition of your own, humming the song that brought you to Beomgyu in a gentle lullaby.

The compass fails to listen to me,

My lost soul’s wandering

And searching for the path that leads to

You stared at Beomgyu before finishing the last line of the verse, twirling the cool can of beer between your fingers. It was impossible to hate him under the moonlight.

“Do you still think I’m that sexy stranger that you almost took home with you from the bus stop?” He asked, craning his neck to look at you with his glassy eyes.

“Dipshit, we went over this a long time ago. Did you really think I was that stupid?” You replied, returning the rhetoric while fishing for a pack of cigarettes in your pockets. Beomgyu scratched his head and cleared his throat, averting his gaze to meet the destroyed leather of his combat boots.

“Well, you’re still kind of dense…”

“A face like yours is difficult to hide, you know? Even with your dumb excuse of a disguise.”

A light chuckle escaped your lips. Beomgyu always wondered what you’d sound like if you laughed with him instead of laughing without him. Perhaps it was the remnants of alcohol that remained in his bloodstream, or perhaps it was the irresistible, honey-like tone in your voice that made him want to hear you laugh again.

“Can we start over again?” Beomgyu interrupted. This time, he positioned himself at an angle that made him face you regardless of where his neck was aching to go. You gave him a small smile, followed by a middle finger as you let the fizz of beer emulsify within the confines of your mouth.

“Seriously? I thought seeing your dumbass play guitar in the studio was already enough?” You replied, letting the embers from your lighter reflect its yellow flames in Beomgyu’s marble-like eyes.

You were not one to waste a cigarette, but a single puff engulfed you in a woozy feeling of nausea and turbulence. As you stubbed the light out of the long, white stick on the dying grass around it, you turned your attention back on Beomgyu—the most patient he’s been since the two of you first met. Everything with Beomgyu felt long and drawn out, but this time, you didn’t mind. The night was long, and you wanted all the time in the world to start over, even if it meant confessing some of your deepest, dirtiest thoughts to him.

Carpe diem. Seize the day.

And so, you did. Beomgyu’s cheeks felt like satin feathers ruffling and tickling each of your fingertips, electrifying you with a gentleness that lulled you closer to him. There was nothing to be afraid of from the start, and even if it took you three years to overcome that unbridled, irrational fear that is Choi Beomgyu, you were nonetheless glad that it was all over. Another day was about to come, and who knows? Maybe Beomgyu wouldn’t be an enemy anymore.

—CREDITS: @writingmochi @gyvhao @chocorenchin @michipan @hsgwrld (hi meg !! also tagging you on this because this is a eurovision fic lMAOO this is vivian on her txt blog btw !!)

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fereldanwench · 2 months

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apropos of nothing and certainly not my tag rant from a few posts back

did you know that out of 150 popular video games released between 1985 and 2022, only 6% of them feature sole female protagonists?

did you know that prior to mass effect 3, female shepard was never used in any promotional material for the series?

(and there's no hard data available on this, but i very distinctly recall a lot of gamerbro outrage when me3 had an optional reversible cover so you could pick between male and fem shep on your personal game)

did you know that only 18% of players chose femshep in any shape or form (default or customized) during the original release?

(anecdotally, i know a few people who didn't even realize you could play a female at all in me1 bc of how the cc is setup)

did you know with the release of the legendary edition in 2021 the percentage of femshep players didn't even double (despite jennifer hale's seemingly enormous popularity amongst the broader playerbase over the past decade) and is reported at 32%?

did you know that dragon age inquisition has the same breakdown between male and female inquisitors (68% to 32% respectively)?

did you know during the playtests for assassin's creed odyssey, it was a 50/50 split between kassandra and alexios, and ubisoft suits actually thought when the game was released, kassandra would be more popular? and yet once again, about 70% of players chose the male protag

did you know evie and aya were both supposed to have a much larger roles in assassin's creed syndicate and origins but were forced into a smaller role bc the ubisoft marketing team didn't think the games would sell well with a female lead?

cdpr hasn't released data on male vs female v, probably because the game handles gender a little differently than just two strict options like many other rpgs, but it was revealed that panam was the most popular romance, sitting at about 68%, which means at least 68% of players chose the male v body. I'm sure some players did not make that choice as a cis male v, but i would also guess that those who didn't are a small minority of this demographic, and if you factor in kerry romancers, this split is probably very similar to other games in the genre

now i realize that a lot of the male v players who are in more transformative fandom spaces (like tumblr) are not the str8 gamer dudebros of reddit angry about pores on a female character's face and whatnot. i realize that a lot of you are also on the outskirts of the perceived norm and also feel under-represented by mainstream male protags and that's incredibly frustrating and alienating and i genuinely feel for you

but female protagonists and female gamers who want to play as female protagonists and who have a few niche spaces to celebrate female protags are not the reason for your lack of representation

and frankly you don't sound a whole lot different from the angry incel gamer boys when you say shit like "fem v gets too much attention"

so maybe try advocating for male protags who don't fit the generic boring gruff white guy mold without throwing women under the bus. we're should be allies in this fight, not rivals

#t: wench.txt #leaving reblogs on as long as ppl behave #but i will come down hard with the block button on bad faith replies to this

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theghoulgirl · 2 months

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Twilight/Reader Head-cannons and Thought Ideas (Part I)

This is a quick thought idea and head-cannons that I whipped up. This has a main focus on the Linked Universe Twilight, but can also be read as Twilight Princess Link.

Absolutely did not edit it since I don’t have time, so I apologize for any errors.

If you enjoy, please leave a comment and let me know if you’d like to see something else!

Twilight loooves to take care of you. His love language is most definitely acts of service.

Having a generally bad day? He will wrap you up in the coziest blanket, make you a warm beverage, and offer to read the cheesiest romance book out loud to you.

Working or studying long hours? No worries. He will cook dinner and make sure there are leftovers for you tomorrow.

If he sees you cooking, he would come up behind you and wrap his arms around your waist and give you a little peck on the cheek.

The others would tease him whenever he watches you interact with children. He looks so starstruck and in awe at the sight of you laughing and playing.

Would absolutely be daydreaming about a life with you.

If you don’t want children? He would be heartbroken, but ultimately respects your decision. After all, if you don’t want to be a parent then why would he force you.

He could have also had a change of heart after his adventure with Midna, and potentially could have more duties in the castle due to being the Hero.

Twilight absolutely engages in tickle fights with you, just because he loves to hear you laugh. It’s his favorite sound in the world.

He also would love to chase you through the woods in a game of one sided tag.

This has nothing to do with him transforming into a wolf. He just loves to hear you giggle out of nervousness and it gives him a chance to show off his pursuit skills.

While traveling with the chain, Twilight would offer to share his bedroll with you and cuddle with you to stay warm.

He would also constantly be asking you if you are alright. Are you hurt? Uncomfortable? Feet in pain from walking? You can ride on Epona for a while.

If you’ve never learned to ride a horse, he would jump at the opportunity to show you.

You’re in close proximity with one another and his chest would be up against your back. What else do I need to say?

If you’re an avid reader, this man would build you an entire bookshelf to expand his collection of books so you could add yours as well. But he would only do this if he’s heavily considering asking you for your hand in marriage.

Merging bookshelves is practically a marriage proposal anyways.

If you are not from his Hyrule but rather from our dimension, he would try to learn English to the best of his ability considering his Hylian is relatively close in the alphabet. .

Could see a strong bonding activity between the two of you being renting children books from local libraries so the two of you could learn each others language.

Twilight, being the gentleman he is, would open doors for you and gently guide you through it by resting his hand on your lower back. He would also walk behind you on stairs and help you dismount from Epona.

If he senses that you are uncomfortable in a situation, he would whisper in your ear and ask if you would want to escape from it. If you answer yes, he would create an excuse without involving you and lead you away from it.

If you have anxiety, he would ask more frequently to make sure your anxiety isn’t acting up too much. But he would also encourage you to engage in these situations since avoiding social situations/the stressor feeds the anxiety monster. But, if it becomes too much or you ask, he will lead you away.

He is the type of person to, in private, get to a Sky level of affections. Loves nuzzling you, kissing you periodically and randomly, resting a hand on you. This man is stuck to you like glue in private.

Contrastingly though, in public he is more reserved. He will still want to hold your hand or rest his hand on your back. But refrains from more intimate signs of affection, such as kissing you on the lips.

But despite his control over his emotions, he does have the tendency to get jealous. And oh boy when he does get jealous, he will be all over you. Resting his face against your head while you talk, arms wrapped around your waist, and giving the darkest glare to whomever is gaining your attention.

#twilight x reader #twilight x y/n #lu twilight x reader #lu twilight #linked universe twilight #linked universe fanfic #link x reader #twilight princess x reader #tp link

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queenofthedepths · 10 months

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Asteroid Lucifer (1930) in the houses

artwork by daylyte04

Lucifer, named after the Latin word for "light-bringer," is associated with themes of rebellion, enlightenment, and the duality of light and dark. It represents the search for personal truth and the courage to challenge societal norms and beliefs.

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Lucifer in the 1st House: The way you express yourself likely goes against societal norms. You may dress in a way that is unconventional or purposefully rebellious. In fact, the act of rebellion can be closely tied to your personal identity. You may feel at though simply choosing to exist as your true self is an act of rebellion in some way. You come across to others as bold and assertive and your presence commands attention. Living authentically is very important to you and you can really benefit from exploring the different aspects of yourself (both light and dark) as much as possible. In your quest for personal authenticity, you may have a habit of placing less importance on your personal connections and may sometimes come across as selfish or self-centered.

Lucifer in the 2nd House: With this placement you may struggle to make money in the conventional way (aka: the typical 9-5 job) and may turn to methods that others view to be more unusual or profitless. You may choose to make money by freelancing, remote work, turning your niche interests into a business, online content creation, etc. By embracing more non-traditional career paths, you are often more willing to take risks in order to align your work with your values. Many people’s self-worth is tied with how much money they make or how much they own--something that many with this placement often try very hard to break away from. Within you is a deep desire to detach yourself from mainstream capitalism and to find abundance through non-material things.

Lucifer in the 3rd House: You may often challenge traditional beliefs and ideas or question established systems of thought. While many other people can accept something at face value--you feel the need to ask questions. You are the person to speak up and ask “Why?”. You have a way with words that comes across as assertive and often thought-provoking, sparking transformative conversations or challenging debates. You may have a strong interest in learning about unconventional or niche subjects. The standard approach to education and learning can often feel restricting and stifling for those with this placement, so it’s important that they embrace learning in a way that aligns with their individuality. It’s also important to be mindful of striking a balance between asserting their unique perspectives and actively listening to others.

Lucifer in the 4th House: This placement indicates a desire to rebel against traditional family structures and break generational curses or trauma. You may have grown up feeling constrained by the expectations imposed on you by your family and this leads to a non-traditional approach to your own personal nurturing and emotional security. The way you define family and home can be quite different then the norm--maybe for you home is wherever you are rather than a physical place and maybe family is built up of people you love and that love you, even if they aren’t blood-related. Your living space is also likely to reflect your unique individuality and you may reject the standard styles others consider to be more acceptable for homes.

Lucifer in the 5th House: You have a non-conformist approach to creativity and self-expression. People with this placement are unafraid to shake up the status quo with their art--creating works that are often innovative, provocative, or even shocking to others. You greatly value your individuality and may be drawn to niche hobbies or interests. You may also question traditional views on love and romance--perhaps you are someone who is attracted to the idea of unconventional relationship dynamics or is not interested in romance at all. You could even just be completely uninterested in casual dating and would prefer to jump straight into something deeper and more serious. People with this placement can also challenge traditional parenting roles and may choose to have children in a way others view to be unusual or unconventional.

Lucifer in the 6th House: With this placement, you are likely to have a strong aversion to traditional work structures and hierarchies. You prefer to find work that allows you to have more personal autonomy, where you are free to be yourself and don’t have to conform to someone else’s rules and ideas. You may also struggle with schedules or performing mundane tasks, unless you take the time to create a routine that is more flexible and innovative. Daily routines that lack excitement or fail to provide a sense of challenge may lead to boredom and restlessness. People with this placement are also more likely to stray away from traditional beliefs and practices related to health and wellness, and may seek out holistic approaches or other unconventional wellness practices. You are also more likely to reject the narrow beauty standards and societal pressures surrounding body image.

Lucifer in the 7th House: Those with this placement may reject traditional concepts of monogamy or conventional definitions of marriage and may prefer to have relationships that offer them more personal autonomy and freedom. You may choose to be polygamous, in an open relationship or choose not to get married at all. Or you could be someone whose marriage is viewed by others as unusual or different then the perceived norm; such as a same-sex marriage, an interracial marriage, or a marriage with a large age gap. You could also be very drawn to people who are non-conforming and eccentric; people who stand out from the crowd. The person you marry could be someone who is very unconventional or it could also be that you become involved in a business partnership that others to consider to be quite unusual.

Lucifer in the 8th House: With this placement, you are more likely to embrace and delve into topics that others may find uncomfortable or taboo. You could have a deep interest in metaphysics, the occult, or branches of psychology that stray from the norm, such as Parapsychology and Erotic psychology. Your view on death and the afterlife could be rather profound, as many with this placement are driven to find personal meaning and purpose in the face of their own mortality. Your approach to sex and intimacy may also be considered unorthodox by others. You could have “unusual” kinks or maybe you’re just not interested in sex at all. When it comes to money and shared resources, you may choose investment opportunities that align with environmental and social sustainability or support grassroots initiatives that aim to bring positive change to society.

Lucifer in the 9th House: You tend to challenge and question the traditional beliefs on religion and philosophy. And because of this, you likely have a strong desire to shape your own spiritual or philosophical path, even if it’s one that makes others raise their eyebrows at you. People with this placement are more likely to explore alternative belief systems and unconventional spiritual practices. When it comes to higher education and learning, you may prefer to seek alternative paths such as self-study, online courses, or you might have an interest in learning about niche topics. Your travel experiences could also be quite unique; perhaps you travel by backpacking, sailing or couchsurfing or you stay in unusual places like eco-lodges, treehouses, yurts, or houseboats

Lucifer in the 10th House: This placement challenges traditional career paths. The field you work in could be considered unusual or your approach to your career could be outside the norm, for example a doctor that specializes in holistic therapies or alternative medicine. Or a teacher that teaches by content creation and online sessions. You are also more likely to resist traditional forms of leadership and management. You could be in a manager role but choose to put yourself on the same level playing field as your subordinates, perhaps even choosing to make everyone’s pay equal so that there are no hierarchical structures. The public likely views you as someone that is independent and non-conforming; and you could very well gain a reputation for being a rebel or anarchist.

Lucifer in the 11th House: Those with this placement tend to befriend individuals that are rebels, anarchists, or simply unconventional. You are likely someone that embraces others differences and prefers social groups that encourage authenticity and individuality. It’s also possible that you choose to be more of a lone wolf--finding it more personally empowering to be in your own company rather than in the company of others. The way you choose to socially network with others could also be quite unique, for example: meeting people through LARP, attending speed friending events, or connecting with others at expos dedicated to unusual interests or niche hobbies. Your goals and aspirations could involve disrupting traditional (and corrupt) systems, as well as championing causes that support collective upliftment.

Lucifer in the 12th House: When it comes to spirituality, you likely prefer alternative or esoteric practices. There is often a deep desire to explore the depths of your own psyche and to transcend the boundaries of ordinary reality. Those with this placement could be interested in practices such as lucid-dreaming, astral projection, hypnosis, or shifting realities. You may also be drawn to artistic forms that allow you to convey the indescribable, such as abstract art or ambient music. Privacy and solitude are likely important for you to be able to tap into your psychic gifts and navigate your unique internal landscape. Solitary activities like meditation, journaling, or creative expression serve as gateways to your subconscious realms, and you have the potential to bring about positive change simply by channeling your inner wisdom and insight.

#astrology #asteroids #asteroid lucifer #lucifer #my post #lucifer in the houses #asteroids in the houses

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dangermousie · 18 days

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I am nowhere near there (I am 5 eps in) but I rewatched the ending of TKW. Still one of my fave cdrama endings, but you know how much I love logical tragedies.

The way the lovers rush at each other, at a dead run. MMMM.

What I really love is that he sees her flip the dagger so the hilt would hit him, not the blade, but as she intended, sees it too late to stop the momentum of his sword. So he stabs her fully aware she did not intend to kill him and helpless to stop it. AAAA so good! (Side note - and clearly, if she meant to kill him, they'd have killed each other - since her hilt went to his heart.)

The way it flashes back to her doing the same thing playfully during their happy days...

God, so gooooood!

She may say it's so loss would make him a good king but let's face it - it's because she couldn't bear to live with knowing she loved a monster. His confrontation with Jing Ke was the final curtain being ripped from her delusion, wasn't it? He loved her. He was also EVIL. She fell in love with a monster. She thought she reformed him but well - I want to say he softened for her as much as he could for anyone - but he could never be a good person in general - he just hid his teeth and claws for her but they were never gone. And she's not the woman who could close her eyes forever, was she?

I love love love the aftermath, his walking out with the bloodied sword, all those subjects kneeling and he's all powerful and all alone, and all he has is the knowledge that due to his lack of trust, he killed the one person he loved, with his own hands.

The way he drops his sword, collapses on the ground and just starts SCREAMING!!!!!

And all the underlings, unmoving, unquestioning as the supreme ruler of their world has a breakdown - absolute terror and absolute loyalty and absolute obedience on display. And absolute and utter loneliness. Forever.

And the little coda, of them as three little happy children, making wishes. And his wish was to be feared not for power or for kicks but to protect those he loves. And here he is, utterly feared but having driven away, lost or killed everyone he's ever wanted to protect.

The way it transforms at his adult self looking at them...

And then even their shades disappear and he's left all alone, crying. And the drama ends.

God, I love that ending! Just as Goodbye My Princess, it's so utterly logical in its tragic inevitability. The protag is left in hell, hell he made with his own two hands, and it could never end otherwise.

I've seen people complain that (a) they wanted a happy ending (b) they felt betrayed that all the mellowing we saw early was not real but (a) it's freaking Qin Shi Huang, what kind of happy ending romance could you expect and (b) the ending was so logical to me and did not feel a betrayal that a lot of his newly found "kindness" was an act - it's very clear that he loved her but it's also clear that he was also willing to do whatever to keep her - I don't think even he himself knew what in what he portrayed was real and what was acting - he just knew she could never stay with the true him and so presented whatever he could so she'd stay. His feelings were real, his vulnerability was real, his desperation was real. I think even some of his mellowing was real - but so was the darkness and manipulativeness and desire to playact whatever as long as he got what he wanted - his whole character was "ends justify the means," wasn't it? Ultimately, he was a man she loved, but he was never going to be a man she could respect or look up to or relate, and I think he knew it, subconsciously, and put on masks, but they all failed and here we are. (The thing with her child - we saw him murder his own half brothers in ep 5! He would tolerate her child with another man for as long as he had to if it was the price for having her - and that alone shows how much he wanted her - and I think on some level he was even genuinely fond of the kid - but he was never going to let the kid stand in the way of his plans for the world or for anything, really. Hell, he ultimately didn't even let her stand in the way and he adored her and loved her as much as he was capable of loving anyone.) I think some viewers felt betrayed because they were hoping for the good, old-fashioned "good woman reforms bad man through love of her" narrative, but this drama went the realistic way of "bad man loves good woman, remains bad." (And it gave us plenty of warning, but hey, we are all romantics so I can see how you'd hope anyway.)

#cdrama #zhang bin bin #dilraba dilmurat #the king's woman

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romanceclub-lovers · 2 months

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Interview with author Aleksandra Remy

Questions for Aleksandra

❔Question: Which of all the men you have created could you imagine as your life partner?

🗨️Answer: Killian.

❔ Question: Do you have a favorite movie or TV series?

🗨️Answer: From TV series I always highlight Game of Thrones, from cinema I am highly likely to like everything with McConaughey, my favorite films contain a lot of works by Tarantino, Guy Ritchie or Nolan.

❔Question: As the visual lead screenwriter of the Garden of Eden story, you are aware of all the nuances of the visuals, plot, and development)

Do you have any favorites in this story? If you were the player, who would you lead a thread with?

🗨️Answer: Yes, I liked the last scenes with Jin Doo-yeong so much that I decided to choose a branch with him. Switched from Castiel...

❔ Question: Is it difficult to be the author of some of the most discussed and popular stories of the Romance Club?

🗨️Answer: I don’t know how difficult it is in a general sense, but it’s definitely more difficult than people think) There are many nuances here that will morally destroy an unprepared person. We must remember that any success has a second side to the coin. But if your nerves are strong, you can... get used to a lot of things.

❔ Question: How do you feel about various fandom theories? If the hypothesis turns out to be correct, does this make you happy as the author or, on the contrary, alarming, stimulating you to add even more ornateness and unexpected moments to the plot?

🗨️Answer: It’s good if the theory is close to correct. This means that the person correctly put together the pieces of the complete picture that I scattered throughout the plot, and I really like this. In general, any creativity, it seems to me, in one way or another pushes for reflection and reasoning, and that’s why I love it.

❔Question: Aleksandra, you are an active user of social networks, you often communicate with fans (for which a huge THANK YOU). Doesn't such active interaction with the fandom tire you? Or, on the contrary, does it give you strength and desire to write?

🗨️Answer: Sometimes it’s tiring, but it’s okay, it’s difficult for me to always be at the peak of social activity. Then I simply reduce the time I spend on social networks and crawl back into my introvert hole, where I mostly work and communicate little. I gain moral strength and something else, and return later.

Questions about the novels...

❔Question: How are names for heroes chosen?

🗨️Answer: Through a search and a list of names related to the country I need + melody, so that I myself like it and suit the hero. If the plot requires it, then I also select it by meaning. Most often I can’t name the heroine precisely because her name plays a plot role.

(And because I don't like writing in first person *laughing emoji* )

❔Question: Was the character of any of the characters taken from a real person? (maybe from an acquaintance or friend)

🗨️Answer: No, the main characters are more likely to have a drop of my character traits than others, so you can feel them better. But at the same time, each hero has his own unique character, background, etc.

If we talk about friends or acquaintances, then I can take someone’s experience as a reference. For example, the situation with Eva's childhood. This happened to someone close to me, with whom I empathize on all levels, and with her permission, I transformed her feelings and my artistic vision of the situation into this plot point. And it hurts me every time I write or think about this, but I also understand that such things are worth writing about, even necessary.

❔Question: You yourself, as the author, already know the ending of the stories. Can he change? Maybe depending on the reaction of the fandom or the opinion of the author himself may change?

🗨️Answer: I don’t think it’s possible to change the ending in any way. KCD ended exactly as I had planned in the early stages of developing the story, it will be the same with Nile, and with the prequel too.

❔Question: Why is there such a low threshold for choosing oneiromancy stats in "Song of the Crimson Nile"? Does this mean that there is a balance and it is possible to save up for all elections according to different stats? In addition, it was mentioned in the story that in very rare cases, shesmu have a predisposition to both directions of dark magic...

🗨️Answer: (*mysterious silence*) :)))

❔Question: How would you characterize Amen? Is he a positive hero or a negative one?

🗨️Answer: I think I have neither positive nor negative heroes, it's too boring. Even Livius himself has one or two not the best character traits, and this is normal. The same applies to Amen, there is both good and bad in him, because the world is not black and white. It's time for people to get used to it)

❔Question: What gave you the idea of using time skipping in KFS? Do you think this was a good move? Will this happen in other stories?

🗨️Answer: I don’t see anything terrible about the timeskip; it was necessary for Kali. Firstly, because of working with a large period of time (but in general, I noticed that in all my stories I work with several points in the timeline, the present and the past, to which we return), secondly, because the heroines of the first plan were too young, I wanted to show how carefree youth slipped through their fingers, forcing them to change, become smarter and more responsible in order to enter the game.

And girls now play dice not for wishes, but for human lives.

❔Question: Will the fate of Radha be revealed in the KFS, the future formation of Indira as the head of the Basu clan? Judging by the family tree, the eldest of the twins, besides Indira, did not have any more children, nor did she have a union with any other man except Radha.

🗨️Answer: Indira’s emergence as an heiress is too far from the events described, but Radha’s fate will be known to us.

❔Question: Are there plans for hidden endings in KFS and SCN? (Such as in KCD, where independent Amala mercilessly kills Amrit even in a branch with him)

🗨️Answer: I don’t know yet. Initially, those endings were just endings, I designated them hidden when I realized that to reach them you need not just stats, but a combination of choices. This is possible in both Nile and the prequel.

Questions from subscribers...

❔Question: One point is interesting. I began to notice that in all three stories the theme of connection, purpose, and truth runs through all three stories. I really like this theme in general, and especially how it manifests itself in your short stories. I wonder how this happens? Do you intentionally put such meaning into stories and relationships with your favorites, or does it come out naturally, intuitively?

🗨️Answer: I wouldn’t say that this is on purpose, because I myself really like this trope, and I’m not the only one. But still, I understand that there are certain similarities in all three stories. However:

Amrit's fiancée, Amala, is precisely his destiny, like fate, to be his ideal partner. Set treats Eva less poetically, she paid off the debt, and she is not the only one with him. But the romantic component of this connection will also be revealed. With Ram, everything is completely different, but I can’t give you the details ahead of time, you’ll find out for yourself.

❔Question: It became interesting, will there be any explanations or hints given as to what kind of traps await Evthys from Amen and how she can avoid them?

🗨️Answer: Amen's traps are the least of Eva's problems. I think you've already noticed that the plot is moving away from the hunt, and something worse is looming on the horizon.

According to my plans, we were introduced to hunting in the first season, and then we begin another plot block. It was fun to read the guesses about the endings involving capture and hunting. I thought: "Eh, guys... hunting is just the beginning."

❔Question: Choosing for diamonds with Ash (Set) in the latest update greatly affects romantic relationships? Is it possible to take this choice simply for the sake of his protection and patronage, leading a branch with another favorite?

🗨️Answer: All elections with Set are romance. You can improve your relationship with him in order to gain his favor, but up to a certain point. You will understand which one.

❔Question: Which story is easier for you to write? KFS or SCN?

Did you encounter any difficulties while creating the plot?

🗨️Answer: Both stories feel very different, sometimes there are difficulties with one, sometimes with the other. But in any case, I find an outlet in both short stories. They are fun to write.

❔Question: What 2-3 words or phrases or aphorisms could you describe each of your stories?

🗨️Answer: Kali: "Everyone has the same end" Nile: "When trouble comes, open the gates" prequel: " What goes around comes around"

❔Question: Is there a character in your short stories that you don’t like and irritate you, but without them the story wouldn’t have worked out?

🗨️Answer: They all piss me off sometimes.

❔Question: The thread with Gabriel in KCD... Was there one? Why was he so unfairly cut off or at least not given a choice where to save his life?

🗨️Answer: The thread with Gabriel is a sad misunderstanding, of course, he deserved a better fate, and at least one ending with him alive was worth doing.

❔Question: Where does such love for the frog come from in your tg channel?? When did it arise?

🗨️Answer: This frog is funny and absurd, like me, I feel a mental unity with it. Lately people have been telling me that I look like her. I don’t know whether to be happy or... what to do...

❔Question: Do you have qualities that you consider to be your shortcomings?

🗨️Answer: Yes, and a lot. If I can’t deal with them, I turn them into my advantage. For example, I am choleric, and sometimes it’s hard for me to restrain irritation or anger, and in general this cannot be restrained, honestly, I tried. So I convert them into energy for the gym and for work, use them as a charge boost or something like that. Otherwise I turn into a true psycho.

❔Question: Do you ever plan to write a book based on "Kali. Call of Darkness" and "Kali. Flame of Samsara", combining the events of these eras in one work?

🗨️Answer: I don’t think so. I don’t yet feel the desire to return to books, but this thing is very exciting, I have no doubts.

❔Question: What basic, main, qualities or character traits of Ash, Amen, Livius and Agnia could you name?

🗨️Answer:

Amen - devotion, loyalty.

Agnia - love of freedom.

Livius - kindness, warmth towards this world.

Set - spontaneity, trust in impulse, chaos.

❔Question: Aleksandra, would you like to have another pet besides a dog?

🗨️Answer: Not yet, I am as monogamous as possible in terms of pets, I like to love one to the maximum. All love to Hermes (her dog), I'm not even ready for a second dog.

❔Question: Aleksndra, thank you for agreeing to answer our questions! If possible, in conclusion we would like to ask you to say a few words to our subscribers who love your stories and are looking forward to their continuation and new short stories by you!. Thank you!

🗨️Answer: I would like to thank everyone for their support and interest in the stories, I am happy to try and work, knowing that I am doing this for you!

Source: 50 Shades of Romance Club

#romance club #romance club game #rc writers #song of the crimson nile #rc kali flame of samsara #rc kali call of darkness

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