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eurydicees · 3 years

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top 10 ouran manga-only arcs

this is going to be such a long post i apologize in advance. the ranking system has absolutely no criteria other than "does this pass my vibe check.” bonus points were awarded if i could think about tamakyo while reading it; points were also awarded every time tamaki did something cool. this was a delight to make. anyways, without further ado, here are my personal top ten favorites, and no i will not be taking criticism.

1. THE TAMAKI EXTRAVAGANZA

(vol 16 chp 73 - vol 18 chp 80)

PLOT:

So much happens here that I couldn’t think of an actual name, and uh does it count as a single arc? Probably not, but I’m counting it as one because it has a single thread: Tamaki. My beloved. So. First, Tamaki finally, finally, finally moves into Suoh mansion #1, but when he gets there, he gets told that he’s only allowed to study the Suoh business and go to school and nothing else— meaning he has to quit the host club. Shizue threatens to out Haruhi as a girl and ruin her reputation— possibly losing her the scholarship— if Tamaki doesn’t break off all ties with her.

The Host Club disbands. Kyoya begins an Investigation™ into Tamaki’s mother— she had been incredibly weak and unhealthy when Tamaki was a child, but when Kyoya met her, she was pretty healthy. After some sleuthing, the hosts minus Tamaki discover that she probably had Bisco Hatori’s fictional version of lupus, which was cured by a mysterious foundation— which they discover was run by the Grantaine family, funded by the Suoh corporation, and actually researched by the Ootori conglomerate. Literally everyone is in on it. It’s fucking wild. Like. Huge “holy fucking shit I need to stop and take a breath” moment.

This information is suddenly released to the public, and then the Suoh corporation all vote Shizue out of her position, saying that she’s no longer fit for the job. She locks herself in her room and refuses to speak to anyone, breaking Tamaki’s heart. But now that she’s no longer top dog, Anne-Sophie can come to Japan— Yuzuru is super hyped and expects Tamaki to be as well, not understanding that Tamaki’s family fantasy includes his grandmother. Tamaki stops going to school and plays piano every day in order to cheer up the house, eventually luring Shizue out to listen to him play their shared favorite songs from J-dramas.

They begin to bond and Shizue sees that he’s not a failure because of his parentage, but it’s too late because Anne-Sophie is about to fly back to France. All is hopeless.

EXCEPT THEN. All of the hosts and all of the clients realize what’s happening and rush to help him get to his mother. They all adore him so much, and give their all into getting Tamaki to the airport. Shizue finally encourages him to go, realizing— with the help of Haruhi— that she has been bitter and selfish and Tamaki deserves better. They rush to the airport, and through a series of shenanigans that are no match for the combined power of the hosts and every single girl at Ouran, Tamaki makes it to the airport. They make it there JUST in time, and Tamaki gets a five minute reunion with his mother. Haruhi finally confesses to Tamaki that she loves him.

WHY I LOVE IT:

oh my God oh my God oh my GOD. Like. This is just. So much. So Much. We all know that I’m like. The #1 Fan of Tamaki Suoh. Like. President, vice president, treasurer, and secretary of the fan club, all at once. I love him so much, and this just gives him so much development. There is so much opportunity for him to grow and you not only really see who he is as a character, but you also see how much he’s grown as a person from his first introduction. You also get more of a glimpse into the world of Rich People, and the way that all of their families interact with each other, and then also with the way that they interact within their families. It’s just such an intense arc and it’s so beautiful and I love it so much.

2. THE SPORTS COMPETITION

(vol 10 chp 46 - vol 11 chp 49)

PLOT:

This one is HARD to rank, because I love it, but it also Hurts. Like. I genuinely cried over this one, though that’s not actually saying much because I cry at everything. So. Here’s what’s up. Tamaki gets into this idea of a sports festival, and then Kuze wanders in to fight Kyoya again, so Tamaki suggests a competition between the two of them. This is a very Tamaki thing to do, but Kyoya gets fed up with it and refuses to participate— until Kuze accuses him of being “Suoh’s pet” and that he’ll always let Tamaki win, and then Kyoya gets fired the fuck up.

But he’s still bitter at Tamaki for starting this, so the two of them stop talking and my heart breaks. This does not stop Tamaki from having heart eyes for Kyoya 24/7. Hikaru and Kaoru are assigned to competing teams, and begin their Very Long Journey into not being so codependent— Hikaru is on the red team with Tamaki, Haruhi, and Kuze; Kaoru is on the white team with Kyoya and Honey.

Essentially, each team goes through rounds of races in different areas that are like. Complete bullshit games, but whatever. It’s Rich People World. The white team gets ahead; the red team performs a scene from a Shakespeare show to rally their losing team together and begins to win, until they’re on even footing. The final race is between Kyoya and Tamaki.

There’s a heartbreaking series of panels of Tamaki just… thinking about Kyoya. I cannot get enough of it. Then there’s an even more heartbreaking series of panels of Kyoya just… thinking about Tamaki. You realize, alongside the other hosts, that Tamaki pushed for this race not really for benefit or fun, but to give Kyoya a chance to compete in something for real, without having to set it up so that Tamaki wins (as we see in the race for the central salon). It’s a chance for him to win and not put his family first. Tamaki still tried his best, because Kyoya would hate him if he threw the race, but he lost because Kyoya fought with the intention of winning for HIMSELF, and not just playing support to Tamaki or impressing his father.

Finally, in the last panel, it’s revealed that the class trip will be to France.

WHY I LOVE IT:

God it burns so good. So Good. The Tamakyo, the Hikaru & Kaoru character growth, the Kyoya development, the Tamaki being so so so good, the Kyoya being so brilliant, everything oh my lord. This is really one of the biggest points of Kyoya’s character development, and it’s the first place I’m going to point to when thinking accurately about who he is as a person. It shows who he is, and who he believes he is, and who he wants to be, and who other people see him as. It’s also just a Tamakyo goldmine, even though they don’t ever actually talk. It’s so beautiful and it makes me cry.

3. THE ORIENTEERING RACE

(vol 14 chp 66 - vol 15 chp 68)

PLOT:

In an attempt to make Tamaki realize that the hosts all love him just as much as he loves them, the hosts sans Tamaki put together an orienteering race. There are six checkpoints, each one with a task to be completed in order to get an ingredient that will make the best meal at the end of the race.

Hikaru and Kaoru play the return of the “Which one is Hikaru?” game, knowing that Tamaki has been able to tell them apart for a while by now; Nekozawa’s checkpoint is a quiz on cursed items, knowing that Tamaki is familiar with Beelzenef; Honey’s checkpoint is a game of whack-a-mole with little mini Usa-chans, knowing that Tamaki isn’t afraid of making him upset over a game, though all the girls are; Mori’s is a sword slicing thing to show that Tamaki will never give up on something; Haruhi’s is a “tell the truth or never pass” kind of thing; and Kyoya’s is a crossword puzzle of all the answers made up of things from previous club themes.

Tamaki pairs up with Konoya— who is in love with him and is the “perfect Haruhi” trope— and realizes that she’s incredibly different from Haruhi, and that he loves Haruhi for who she is and not who he thought he wanted her to be. He also realizes that— because the hosts have gone through all of this for him— they do love him for who he is, no matter what, no matter the bad parts of his personality, and they’re never leaving him.

WHY I LOVE IT:

Look. We know that anything about Tamaki is gonna make me happy. I am a simple woman and so easy to please. This is literally just three chapters about how much all of the hosts love Tamaki and want him to be happy. I cannot express in words how rewarding it is to watch Tamaki realize how important he is and how much he’s loved— because he is loved, he’s so loved, he’s so so so loved. This is also the arc with the building block / building a home metaphor, and it destroyed me both physically and emotionally (vol 14 chp 66). This is where the found family is really solidified, and we all love a good dosage of found family.

4. RACE FOR THE CENTRAL SALON / THE SCHOOL FAIR

(vol 6 chp 22 - vol 6 chp 26)

PLOT:

This is where the anime diverges from the manga, and I have to say that this version of the school fair is just so much better than the anime version. Like. Just So Much Better. Basically, the club is setting up for the school fair, and the best spot to set up— essentially, the spot that will get the most foot traffic form the parents— is in the central salon. To figure out which club is going to get the spot, they all compete in a literal race, both mind games and physical games and it just slaps overall.

The b-plot is that the Host Club is getting threatening letters telling them to drop out of the race, alongside blank papers that are sent with the notes; the hosts have to figure out who is sending the notes and confront it. This is the arc that introduces both Kuze and Yuzuru Suoh for the first time. Kuze is captain of the football team and Kyoya’s rival and also definitely his secret ex-boyfriend. Chairman Suoh is… just. A lot. Just. That’s it. A Lot. He’s A Lot.

Anyways, part of the winning race is capturing this crown that’s hidden on campus, which turns out to be at a swimming pool. The football team gets there at the same time as Haruhi, and Kuze pushes her into the pool and goes for the crown. Kyoya and Tamaki reach her at the same time— Tamaki’s instinct is to go for Haruhi, but Kyoya tells him to get the crown and thus the glory of winning, while Kyoya rescues Haruhi.

Later, it turns out that Yuzuru was sending the blank papers with harmless messages written in invisible ink as a prank to emphasize the literal hate mail that the hosts were getting. The follow up to the race is the actual school fair, where we meet Yoshio and Shizue. Fuck Shizue, not even going to get into that right now because I WILL cry, but just know that it’s even worse than it is in the anime. Yoshio, though, is eons better in the manga than in the anime— he is genuinely proud of Kyoya and says that he actually wouldn’t mind appointing Kyoya as heir.

WHY I LOVE IT:

Volume 6 does SO MUCH for Kyoya and Tamaki and we all know that I’m ride or die for the two of them. Kyoya finally gets a chance to shine as team leader and it’s what he deserves! Tamaki takes a little more of a backseat, which I don’t even mind, because Kyoya does such a good job of pulling attention here. The scene at the swimming pool is just so good— it really shows the huge amount of trust between Tamaki and Kyoya, and does a good job of setting up the relationship they need to have as Rich People, outside of their friendship, which is something that we don’t see a lot of. Overall, it’s a very Kyoya-centric arc, and it does amazing things for the development of his character and personality. It’s one of the biggest insights into how he functions as a kind of mastermind for the club. We also finally get Tamaki’s full-ish backstory, which genuinely makes me cry every time.

5. THE HITACHIIN FAMILY

(vol 10 chp 45 / vol 11 chp 51 - vol 12 chp 53)

PLOT:

So this is technically two plot lines, but I’m going to count it as one because it’s all about the twins, my loves. In vol 10 chp 45, we get a little insight into the life of the Hitachiin family and why the twins are as fucked up as they are. Quick rundown— their parents can tell them apart but pretend not to for whatever godforsaken reason; Kaoru admits he’s in love with Haruhi for the first time and Hikaru remains oblivious; Kaoru begins to realize how unhealthy he and Hikaru’s relationship is and how, one day, they aren’t going to be able to have all of the same things; there’s a cookie metaphor; Tamaki gets lost in the Hitachiin manion; it’s all a good time.

In volumes 11 and 12, we begin the actual split between the twins, where they realize that they can’t stay the way that they are forever. They can’t be one person forever. They realize this in a fight over Haruhi, where Hikaru suggests they “share” her as a sister, and Kaoru rightfully thinks this is bullshit. They get in their first— and only— genuinely real argument. Hikaru breaks down in Mori’s house, Kaoru breaks down at Honey’s place, literally no one is happy and I am crying.

Kaoru asks Haruhi out on a date, and then ends the date by explaining that he could never date her knowing that it would be hurting Hikaru. Haruhi is, understandably, very confused by this whole thing, and no one is telling her anything.

Kaoru then makes up with Hikaru, saying that he’ll give up on trying to pursue Haruhi, but tells him that they actually do need to live separate lives at some point— and that point might as well be now. He wants to break apart entirely, but Hikaru explains that while they need to break apart in a lot of ways and find their own identities, they can never fully forget each other. They agree that they can influence and love each other without depending on each other for a personality.

They keep up the incest ACT at the club, though. Bisco Hatori couldn’t manage to write her way out of that one.

WHY I LOVE IT:

So this one just. Really hits home for me. It’s a genuinely heart wrenching arc, and the progression of the whole thing was just so slow and so steady and it was so well done. The twins are two of my favorite characters in the show/manga, and their relationship is something that I can analyze for days, and this arc is a huge part of why it’s so interesting. It does amazing things for both of them as developing characters, but it does even more amazing things for their character growth as people. It also provides a nice catalyst for the Hikaru/Tamaki/Haruhi love triangle. Anyways, it made me cry and apparently that’s my only criteria.

6. THE FRANCE ARC

(vol 10 chp 46 - vol 12 chp 56)

PLOT:

On the Ouran 2nd year school trip to France, Kyoya decides he’s going to spend the trip searching for Tamaki’s mother, rather than spending it with the other students. He works himself to death trying to find her— he ends up literally falling asleep on the ground because he’s so exhausted from searching and taking literally no breaks. Kyoya finds her eventually, and has a really nice conversation with her— she has a bunch of photos of Tamaki, and clearly is constantly thinking about him. When he gets back to Japan, he tells Tamaki about her— about how beautiful she is, about how she smiles, about how she thinks of her son every day.

We get more of Tamaki’s backstory, and his close relationship from his mother and how his mantra— living life in Japan to the fullest and being as happy as he can be every day— all comes from his mother. She told him that she’s happiest when he’s smiling, and so when he leaves her behind in France, he decides to be smiling every day and make everyone around him smile as well.

While Kyoya is in France, Tamaki stays behind in Japan— he gets closer to his father, who offers to begin to train him to take over the Suoh business. He visits Haruhi, and tells her a little bit about his life in France, and Haruhi’s love for Tamaki begins to make an appearance for the first time.

WHY I LOVE IT:

So I went into this list thinking that this would be my favorite plot, so it’s wild to me that it didn’t even make the top five. It’s kind of weird and I didn’t expect it, but I’m still satisfied with this list. Anyways, I really love this one, even if it’s not the top five. It’s like. The ultimate Tamakyo story, and there’s just. There’s just so much to unpack there. Like. We don’t have time for me to go through the whole thing and analyze every part of it because there’s just so much of it. It’s so good, and it makes my heart grow three sizes. It’s another brilliant development piece for Kyoya, and shows his softer side, as well as just how much he loves Tamaki.

7. MORI AND HONEY GRADUATE

(vol 15 chp 71 - vol 16 chp 72)

PLOT:

Honey and Mori announce that, after graduation, they’ll be splitting up and going to different universities. This proceeds to emotionally destroy literally everyone except for them. Mori is challenged to a series of duels at the Kendo club in which he has to fight every underclassman who wants the honor of fighting him before he graduates. He’s exhausted and worn down, and he loses to a second year, which is bad for like. Honor reasons. RIP. Anyways. He reveals that he’s just been really worried about something but before he can tell anyone, he has to duel Honey. It hurts.

They start preparing for the fight— which Kyoya is capitalizing off of via movie rights and betting rings— and scare everyone that they’re going to never speak again. When the fight comes, they fight on the Windswept Hill™ at Ouran (the same place that Chika and Honey fight on way back when). They go for it and pull no punches, until Honey tries to do a flying kick and Mori catches him and gently places him outside of the boundaries of the fighting ring, thus winning the duel.

Because he won, he pulls out a sheet of paper in which he’s written down all of the things that Honey needs to do in university because Mori isn’t going to be there to take care of him: brush his teeth, cut down the cake by 90%, and stop bringing Usa-chan to classes. Mori felt that he didn’t have the right to tell him these things until they were on equal level because he had won the duel.

They make up and everything is okay— they graduate, everyone cries, including me. Kasanoda gives Mori flowers, it’s all very cute. Haruhi makes cookies, and when Tamaki goes running down the hallway to find her, they bump into each other and drop all of the cookies. While they’re picking them up, they share the classic ~accidental kiss~.

WHY I LOVE IT:

This is one of the only Honey & Mori-centric plotlines that gets fully fleshed out and like. More than a chapter. It really does lovely things for their relationship, and it’s the end of an era. Even though it’s the end of an era, though, the resolution is incredibly satisfying— Honey and Mori’s stories are wrapping up, but it’s really well done. It’s sad, but it’s a really rewarding ending. They’re such sweet boys. Also, it’s not like they’re gone forever, so it’s all okay.

8. REIKO x HONEY

(vol 10 chp 41)

PLOT:

Reiko is part of the Black Magic Club, and falls in love with Honey when he gives her a hand in getting up after she trips over Usa-chan. However, she believes that falling in love with Honey is equivalent to him “stealing her soul,” and so she uses “curses” to steal his soul back. These curses are basically just love spells.

In the end, Honey tells her to just, like, be herself. Talk about her interests. Get to know him. Be honest. Then she won’t need love spells to make him like her. Even if she messes up or is awkward or says something weird, he’ll still like her because she’s being true to herself. This is one of the only Honey-centric chapters, and Reiko is one of my favorite side characters.

WHY I LOVE IT:

They’re the OG goth x pastel couple. The blueprint for all other couples. Icons. I love them so much. This makes it on the list just because I love their relationships. I also love the whole Moral Of The Story, in that it’s important to be true to yourself. It’s so sweet it hurts.

9. HARUHI AND TAMAKI’S FIRST DATE

(vol 18 chp 81 - vol 18 chp 82)

PLOT:

So. Right after the two of them confess their love to each other, everyone expects them to get together and be a couple right away, but Haruhi is just kinda chilling. She’s not super stressed about dating, it’s just a relief to have said it out loud. Meanwhile, Tamaki is kind of a mess, stressing out over their first date and trying to make it as perfect as he possibly can. Seeing him so stressed, all of the hosts band together to help him out in planning a date. When Tamaki finally gets up the nerve to ask her out, he falls in the fountain and Haruhi has to fish him out. She’s then the one to ask him out to the amusement park.

In true Tamaki fashion, he gets incredibly stressed out again. He gets fashion advice from a series of unfashionable people. The hosts sneak around the amusement park and follow them around, finding out that it’s actually going really well, as long as they’re not interfering. After the Lobelia girls show up and try to sabotage the date, Tamaki and Haruhi run away— while Kyoya Handles™ the situation— and they go to her mother’s grave. There, it’s revealed that Haruhi will be going on an exchange program to America.

WHY I LOVE IT:

It’s just. So cute. Like. I’m Tamakyo for life, but I do adore them so much. It’s lower on the list because of the sheer amount of second hand embarrassment, but overall, I loved reading this one. Tamaki is just so genuine and earnest about everything he does, and I think these chapters do a lot to show why the two of them work as a couple. It also does lovely characterization points for Haruhi, and begins to wrap up the ending. Bonus points for a jealous and heartbroken Kyoya.

10. PRINCESS MICHELLE

(vol 9 chp 38 - vol 9 chp 39)

PLOT:

Princess Michelle comes to Ouran to do a week of school in Japan. After meeting her, Tamaki essentially puts him and the Host Club at her beck and call, doing anything that he can to make her happy, no matter how insanely extravagant her demands are. Everyone else finds this infuriating, until Kyoya points out that Michelle looks similar to Tamaki’s mother, saying that the last time Tamaki saw his mother, she was crying— and if he sees Michelle smile for real, it might help him picture his mother smiling again.

Overall, it’s just a very soft arc that begins to unfold Tamaki’s family-related trauma. It also kickstarts Tamaki’s realization that he’s in love with Haruhi and doesn’t actually have paternal feelings for her (that’s the whole next chapter, but make it funny rather than introspective); and it’s one of the moments that Haruhi realizes that Tamaki is genuinely just a good person.

WHY I LOVE IT:

I wasn’t sure that this one would make the list at all, but I do really love this story. It’s pretty short, just two chapters, but it’s overall really sweet. I like Michelle as a character a lot— she seems a bit like a bitch at the beginning, but she gets fleshed out and given an actual personality as the chapter goes on. It’s a really good example of Bisco Hatori’s writing.

HONORARY MENTIONS:

Mei (character): probably the most significant character in the manga that doesn’t appear at all in the anime, which is pretty tragic, but I think that the anime really wanted to emphasize that Haruhi doesn’t really have any female friends / friends outside of the hosts. But anyways, she’s Misuzu’s daughter and Haruhi’s friend; she’s lowkey transphobic but she’s getting better! Had a brief crush on Tamaki but she ends with being the #1 Tamaharu stan. Great friend to Haruhi.

The masquerade ball: Haruhi's going away party, and the reveal that she's a girl.

Haruhi gets kidnapped: Haruhi is kidnapped and held for ransom, the hosts find her and break down doors to get there.

#ohshc #ouran manga #ouran koukou host club #ouran high school host club #ouran liveblog #ouran #ouran high school host club manga #please rb this i worked SO HARD on it #also please add your opinions #there are a few different lists that are valid. and many that are not.#i will vibe check your lists if you post them

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sepublic · 4 years

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Loving Someone as a Person

Tying back to what I said earlier about Lilith missing the point about the curse, I think it says a lot that when Eda finally gets to interact with her properly before the petrification, she DOES hold Lilith’s actions against her, and justifiably goes for the attack…

…But when King vouches for her, and says that Lilith isn’t JUST trying to undo the curse, but also helped him and Luz- Eda stops. And NO, it’s not just because she didn’t want to hurt King in the process (though that’s definitely A reason)…

It really goes back to what I said in the past, about how Eda’s frustration with Lilith, for the longest time, hadn’t been about Lilith cursing her (which she only learned of the day prior), it was Lilith becoming a crony for the Emperor’s Coven and enforcing Belos’ corruption! She herself alludes to Lilith having been ‘ruined’ by the Coven System in Episode 9, and that’s part of Eda’s concern about Luz enrolling in Hexside…

I know I said that Luz and Lilith are like one another in that they’re both interested in seeing others become the best they could be… But in retrospect, I think Eda ALSO felt the same towards Lilith! That her anger came from a place of disappointment, that she just wanted her older sister to be a good person again like old times, to stop being a corrupt enforcer… So that when the two sisters are thrown into a cage, it’s not Lilith trying to heal the curse that stops Eda; It’s Lilith making an active change against Belos himself and what he does to others, as well.

And obviously, Lilith was partially-motivated for rescuing Eda, she still has a lot to learn about how there’s more the Emperor’s Coven being bad then just they’re mistreatment of her little sister; That this is a systemic thing and that it involves everybody else, and that Lilith can’t just isolate the situation to her and Eda alone.

When Eda chooses not to hurt Lilith, and then even tries to protect her (as well as King, we can’t forget about him either), I think it’s her making a statement to her sister; That maybe I don’t care about the curse anymore, or at least fixing it won’t change a thing. But fixing your BEHAVIOR, unlearning Belos’ toxicity and actively becoming a better person, learning not just to love me but my family and other people for who they are… THAT might get me to forgive you, perhaps! It’ll definitely have more of a chance than just reverting my curse completely!

It’s Eda sending a message, an ultimatum of sorts to Lilith; That unless you learn to love and respect my family as well, just loving me isn’t enough! That there’s not just love required, it’s also respect and acknowledgement of one’s choices and beliefs in life, and who one chooses to associate with and WHY… And I feel it really will tie back to how Luz and Camilia will have to reconcile, that it’s not just enough to love her daughter; Camilia also needs to respect who Luz is and her own choice not to conform.

Come to think of it, this theme was also low-key present between Boscha and Amity, as well; That Amity didn’t specifically cut ties with Boscha up until that Grudgby match in the end (hence Boscha’s surprised, “You just destroyed your social life!”). Amity wasn’t necessarily intending to cut off Boscha; She was fine with still being friends (no doubt because of her parents also), on a condition… That just liking Amity herself wasn’t enough, Boscha ALSO had to treat Amity’s other friends with respect as well! That Amity doesn’t step in to reprimand Boscha until she explicitly starts going after Willow for petty reasons, even after Amity told her not to do so!

And again, I think it says a lot about how love isn’t enough to make a good relationship; That there’s also genuine respect involve, respect for who a person is but also they’re other relationships as well! That you can’t just be selfish and try to keep a person to yourself, the way King considered keeping Luz to himself and pushing away Willow and Gus in Really Small Problems… That if you love ME, you also love me as a person with their own life independent of you!

And of course that makes me wonder how this could tie into other characters, like Emira and Edric who are potentially codependent (not entirely out of choice), and at least tried to make new friends with Grom dates, only for that to fail… And I have to wonder if that will influence their relationship in the future, especially since Emira prioritizes making new connections as an individual whilst Edric simply wants companionship, possibly at any cost…

Once more, this ties back to a central theme of The Owl House, about how you need to respect and love people as individuals who can still exist separately from you; How the Coven System is the antithesis to that since it expects people to remain close and dependent upon one another in a very forced and artificial manner! That NO, you can’t go off and make other friends and be your own person, and interact with other Magic tracks or Covens, that you have a specific place HERE within this particular group and function and you have to stick to it!

And Belos, our main villain and the root cause of this horrid system, is someone who is implied to have a rather parasitic connection to the Titan, one that doesn’t enable it to be its own thing... That sometimes, if you love a person, you have to let them go; And even THEN that doesn’t really mean losing them forever, now does it? It’s a statement against possessiveness.

#the owl house #owl house #the owl house lilith #lilith clawthorne #the owl house eda #edalyn clawthorne #the owl house amity #amity blight #the owl house boscha #narrative parallels #analysis

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linkspooky · 4 years

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I would love to hear your thoughts about how Louise as a foil to Mikasa was supposed to add and help move forward Mikasa's character arc.

Mikasa’s interaction with Louise is short and bittersweet, but it represents an important idea for her character. One of the biggest flaws in Miaksa’s relationship with Eren is that she’ll follow him around whether or not he wants him to.

Eren has always butted heads with Mikasa whenever she attempts to be close like this. It’s her attempts to follow him that end up pushing him further and further away from her. This is just as much a problem on Mikasa’s part as it is on Eren.

Mikasa’s tendency has always been towards codependency. After the sudden and jarring loss of her family, she became attached to the idea of Eren as a substitute for the family that she lost. Eren is the person who showed her beauty in the world, so she associates those memories with Eren.

Codependency:

excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.

However, Eren doesn’t know that Mikasa has placed such emotional importance on him, and Mikasa never really does a good job at articulating him. The few times she does (the time when they’re about to die, the argument before Eren locks her up in a prison cell) she still can’t quite communciate its importance to her.

Eren is someone pushes Mikasa away every time she makes a fumbling attempt to cling to him, but in all fairness Mikasa is avoiding true closeness either. She’s so afraid of losing Eren, that she misunderstands a lot about Eren the person. She’s been holding onto the Eren she knew in childhood all this time and projecting it upon him. She’s been trying to pay him back for wrapping the scarf around her on that day. Whereas, Eren is a person who is usually right next to her who she awkwardly interacts with on a daily basis.

It’s almost as if Mikasa prefers a one sided love where she’s pursuing Eren, because she’s so afraid of losing him she doens’t really know how to have a relationship with him. Eren is more or less the first person to tell her to live, and she uses him as a reason to live, a place to return home to. Which is why she has a paralyzing fear of losing him. All logic goes out the window, and Mikasa becomes violently protective at the thought of it. MIkasa’s jealousy is always used as a joke in the manga, but what if Eren were to start liking another girl? What if it wasn’t Titan’s that took him away from her. What if he just didn’t want to return her feelings, and went and married someone else?

That’s the problem with Mikasa’s feelings they’re all so one sided. Mikasa does everything she does out of a desire to be close to Eren, but she has no idea if Eren even wants her close.

It’s a romantic notion, but also a problem. Mikasa is just now recognizing the fact that Eren might feel differently than she does. Eren might want different things out of life.

The scarf that meant so much to Mikasa, could have meant something entirely different to Eren. Even when Mikasa tries to explain the significance the scarf had to her all of this time, Eren isn’t ready to hear it. That’s what one-sided feelings mean, loving someone doesn’t mean they have to love you back.

Mikasa neer even got to the point of explaining her feelings to Eren though, because she was too afraid of rejection, and the idea of losing him. She just chose to one-sidedly fixate on him all this time instead.

The same way that Eren is so fixated on the ugliness of the world that he’s forgotten it’s beauty. He only focuses on the war, and violence. Mikasa was so focused on the beauty of loving Eren, she forgot about his ugliness. She only ever saw one side of him.

An important part about their relationship is it’s not just Eren who is oblivious about his own feelings in regards to Mikasa. Mikasa can’t even put her feelings into words.

It’s easier to say she’s wanted to protect him, and be by his side all this time. Then admit she wants a romantic relationship with him. Not only does Eren not understand why Mikasa does so much for him, but Mikasa herself doesn’t know how to make him understand.

Do I think Mikasa could have stopped Eren from doing what he did by admitting she was in love with him in that moment? Not really. However, Eren wasn’t able to get close to or be understood by any of his friends around him. Mikasa could have gotten close to him in all the time they spent together, but deliberately kept herself at a distance. She didn’t just panic at the moment. It’s a pattern in their relationship where both of them are constantly following each other around and trying to protect each other, only to get farther and farther away.

Mikasa sees the consequences of her choice to always follow behind him, instead of trying to face her feelings for him. That’s why she makes such a face when she’s confronting Louise. I don’t think it’s feelings of disgust for Louise, but rather herself.

Remember this is also immediately after Armin berated Mikasa again, in the same way Eren did, for not thinking for herself.

Not only is Mikasa once again told that the scarf that always meant so much to her didn’t mean the same to Eren.The scarf she wore all this time, Eren told Louise to throw it away like it meant nothing. Mikasa also hears Louise’s feelings about following her.

Mikasa hears Louise say she was satisfied just following the sight of Mikasa’s back all that time, which is what Mikasa did to Eren. She tried to be satisfied with just being close to him, just trying to catch up.

Louise makes Mikasa realize she didn’t want that with Eren. She never did. She was never happy just following him.

#Anonymous #eremika #attack on titan #aot meta #attack on titan meta #eren jaeger #mikasa ackerman

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whorrorstuff · 3 years

Text

Things I Need to go to Therapy For

Kristen, the first person I ever loved. We were in a deep codependent relationship, and I hurt myself mentally and physically to keep her happy from ages 12-16.

Ashten. The guy I had my first kiss, and lost my virginity to. I hated myself so much and just wanted to feel pretty, feel loved. He never loved me. He was 17/18 and I was 14/15. He took advantage of me, over. And over. And over. But I thought I was in love with him, he would call me sexy and hot and would talk to me. I thought I was so lucky. The sex always hurt, and it only happened when he came back from being in the Navy. One particular time, after he had spent 4 months convincing me he loved me, he cared about me, he was going to make me his officially, he refused to look me in the face. I tried to grab his hand and he yanked it away, barely talking. I felt like I was too ugly. He took me to his house and roughly had sex with me, to the point that I bled. I didn't say no, so I don't blame him or consider it assault. After 30 minutes of painful sex, he took me home and didn't speak to me much after that. I was so brainwashed I didn't even feel used, I was still convinced this was my only chance at love.

Pregnancy. Ashten got me pregnant when I was freshly 19 and he was 22. He came home from deployment and saw me for one night, and I was still insecure and brainwashed into thinking this was all I was worthy of. This was all I could get. When I found out I was pregnant, I set up an abortion appointment that same hour, but they couldn't fit me in for 3 weeks. This was the darkest time of my life. I had lost my job, most of my friends, and I didn't feel loved by anyone. I told my mom, and a friend and her boyfriend I was pregnant. No one else. I didn't tell Ashten until the abortion appointment was made. All I asked was that he pay for half of it, and he did. I was pregnant, alone, jobless, and was going to be homeless soon.

Abortion. Planned Parenthood charged me full price for the abortion, around 800 dollars, even though I was young and jobless. I had to have my mom help pay. They gave me pills to take at home, and just like everything else in my life, I did it alone. I locked myself in the bathroom for four hours, and endured the worst pain of my life. I was sitting in a bathtub filled with my own blood. My roommates never checked on me. I started vomiting from the pain, and called my mom for help. She said she couldn't help me, since her husband is anti abortion and she didn't want to upset him by coming over. Alone again.

Suicide Attenpr Number 1. When I was fired from my job, it was the day before my 19th birthday. I fell into such a dark hole that I spent the entire birthday alone. That was the first and only time I physically hurt myself.

Suicide Attempt Number 2. The day before I found out I was pregnant, I tried to kill myself. I had lost everything, didn't feel close enough to anyone to reach out. I tried calling the suicide hotline, and they kept me on hold for four hours. I sat curled up on my bed, listening to the hold music, hoping someone would be able to help me. No one ever did. When the hold ended, an automated message said no one was available, and hung up on me. Honestly, the anger I felt from that moment subsided the suicidal thoughts a little bit. That night I still took every pill we had in the little medicine cabinet, and hoped I wouldn't wake up. All that happened was me getting a little bit sick. I thought, maybe there was a reason, maybe things would get better. But my life just got worse and worse from that point.

Dad. I know my dad wasn't a good person, but he was usually good to me. He was scary and pushed me and my sister to be the best at everything we do. When he got sick, me, my mom, and my sister all took care of him, but mostly my mom. When I was 11 or 12, I had to clean up my dad's feces from the bathroom floor since he didn't have control over the lower half of his body anymore. No one knows about that other than me and him. He hated himself so much, but he knew he was going to die. He died while my mom took me and my sister out of town on vacation. The last thing I thought when I saw him was that I wished he would die already so my mom wouldn't have to suffer anymore. No one knows about that either. I didnt cry when he died, my only thought was that now I have to take care of my mom. I have to be strong for everyone else. I was 13.

Abandoned. A couple months after my dad died, my mom started going to bars and leaving me home alone. I had some form of psychosis, and would have panic attacks that something was going to get me any time I was left alone, but didn't want to upset her or ruin her fun. Then she met Joel. Joel is a decent guy, we don't agree politically at all but didn't really fight ever. My mom started seeing him during all of her free time, and I didn't know where she was. She didn't tell Joel I existed until a couple months into their relationship. She started disappearing more and more, while my sister moved out so I was truly alone. A 13 year old girl, in a big house by herself, alone. No money, nothing. My dad had been gone six months at this point. On my 14th birthday, my mom went out with Joel, and I was alone. I was getting used to being by myself so often, but my school friends heard about this and were furious, leading to me becoming more and more angry at my life. As the years went on, Joel converted my mom to Christianity, something I was not at all exposed to in my childhood. He moved in with us, and my home was now Mom and Joel's house that I existed in. She will deny not being home often, even though my friends from then would always comment on how I was alone so often, to the point my friends parents were extremely concerned. I went to in school therapy for this, and the therapist told me to just let my mom grieve her own way. I was a young teenager, abandoned.

Psychosis. I'm not sure what else to describe this period as. This happened from 12-14 years old, where I experienced the scariest moments of my life. I would see shadows, hear things talking to me, etc. I couldn't be left alone for more than five minutes before I'd snap. It truly felt like I was being stalked by demons. I couldn't eat or sleep, I looked like a ghost myself. And my family barely noticed, or claimed it was for attention.

Hypersexuality. I started masturbating at 5 or 6 years old. I watched porn at 9. I was not monitored online whatsoever, and fell into some horrible offshoots of the porn world, before I was even a teenager. I remember being 8, and thinking only 10 more years until I can have sex. I was called a young nymphomaniac by Ashten, I was 14. I never even got the talk from anyone, everything I knew was from online forums I would read without supervision. I was so uncomfortable talking to my mother about, well anything really, that I told her I needed birth control to fix my periods, which were perfectly normal. I did sex work while I was underage. Just wanting to feel loved and validated.

Beauty. I don't remember a time in my life where I've ever felt beautiful. I always hid from cameras, was never called pretty. It destroyed me. My mother would call herself ugly and fat, while I weighed much more than her. When I was no more than 9, she yelled at me asking if I could even see my feet. I currently weigh 235lbs, at 5'6. Disgusting. I've struggled with eating disorders my entire life, and even when it is blatantly bad my mom congratulated me on losing weight. I would skip entire school days to go to the gym, I spent 3 hours a day at the track near my house. All my friends were thin, beautiful, and had had multiple boyfriends. I, still, haven't had one. I fantasize about cutting open my body and ripping the fat out. I see myself naked and feel myself gag reflexively. I blame me being alone on how I look, because I know that's the case. Why else would ever man I've slept with tell me I'm perfect, but not perfect enough to date. Then the girl they leave me for is half my size. I hate everything about me. I hate my eye shape, my nose, my mouth, my body, the color of my skin. I would give anything to just be beautiful and loved and wanted for once.

#tw #tw ed shit #eating disoder tips #tw ed relapse #disordered eating tw #depressing post #rants n rambles #sad #mentally drained #mentalwellness #mental health #tw ed content #beauty #tw beauty #tw selfhate #tw sexualization of minors #tw sa

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essekknits · 4 years

Note

Could you write something about Benlives AU, Juno asking for Bens help and Ben meeting the crime crew?

Aaaaaa I love this yes thank you!!!

It’s been months since Benzaiten saw his twin. Juno didn’t tell him where he’s going, just that he’s leaving this miserable city behind. And he was happy for him! He really was. Juno’s been depressed for a long time, killing himself for the city they grew up in, the city that sure didn’t take it easy on the two of them, and most of all on Juno.

So even after almost losing him twice in the span of a single year, Benzaiten let go. They weren’t codependent by any means, never. They were very close, and were each other’s support for many, many years and through many, many nightmare scenarios, but they each had their own life. That didn’t mean, of course, that he didn’t really miss his brother.

He was in his studio, idly dancing a routine he wanted to teach his students in the advanced class of his Oldtown program. His idea, teaching a few classes for free in Oldtown to get kids away from their shitty situation, was working pretty well.

“That’s a nice one, Benten.” A quiet voice came from the door, making Ben lose his balance as he turned to look at the source. Just as he thought, Juno was standing at the door, and... he wasn’t looking good. He was covered with what Ben has long learned to identify as sewer sludge, and his singed coat was seeping blood from an array of cuts. That were still bleeding.

“Juno, what the hell happened to you?” He rushed to his brother’s side, eyeing him with a too familiar gaze, like he always did when they were still kids, and Juno would always get in fights with people bigger and meaner than him.

“Got into a fight. Long story. Do you still keep first aid supplies stocked in the studio?” Juno leaned on the wall, eyes exhausted but ultimately relieved.

“Of course. Stay here, I’ll get it and patch you up.” Ben started leaving, but Juno grabbed his arm. He didn’t mind the sludge, but he did mind his twin’s weakened grip. He was clearly exhausted.

“No time. There’s... I need to get back to the group. People got hurt. Our medic’s unconscious and we’re out of supplies on hand.” Juno swallowed, still heavily leaning on the wall. Benzaiten looked at him briefly, questions whirling through his brain, before nodding. “Alright. I’m coming with you.”

“You can’t, Ben, we-“ Benten didn’t even let him finish.

“If you’re the here, and you’re alone, it means you’re probably the least hurt one in the group, or one of the least hurt, at least. You’re not in any state to patch others up right now, not without being treated first. I’m healthy, I know how to do this pretty well, and I’m going, Super Steel. No questions.” He took his large first aid kit on one shoulder, and stood in front of his brother, who started leading the way.

~~~

“I’ve been concussed many times before, but I don’t believe this is the meaning of seeing doubles.” Jet said as he saw two figures approach, looking relatively similar. Juno Steel was leaning on a leaner, less scarred man who looked a lot like him.

“Yeah, you’re welcome, big guy.” Juno grunted, stepping away from the other man and approaching them. The stranger rolled his eyes, and Jet could understand his feelings perfectly. He appeared very familiar with Juno’s antics.

“Sorry about him. I’m Benzaiten. Call me Ben.” He reached his hand for a handshake. Jet liked him. He shook his hand as best he could while he was holding Vespa’s head in his lap. She was unconscious, her legs as broken, and she was bleeding from multiple blaster and knife wounds, but not too much. She will be fine.

“I am Jet. You seem quite familiar with Juno’s behaviour.” He observed neutrally as Ben dug through the bag. The younger man laughed heartily.

“You can say that. We’re twins. If anyone knows Juno’s bullshit, it’s me. I’ve been dealing with him for forty years.” He took out a bone knitting injection.

“Ha, ha. Don’t get me started on the stuff I had to deal with from you.” Juno mumbled, wiping his mouth from the blood he was spitting out. Ben frowned with concern, before administering the injection into Vespa’s thigh through her jeans. He looked like he knows what he’s doing. Juno kneeled next to them now, swaying side to side. He didn’t look very well, and if he was being honest, neither was Jet.

“I tend to believe him, Juno. You do get into quite a lot of trouble.” Jet kept his voice neutral, knowing it might rile Juno up, but feeling the need to be completely fair. Also, he did enjoy the harmless teasing.

“Let’s just get everyone bandaged and go.” Juno just sounded tired as he pulled disinfectant from the bag and went to Jet’s other side as Ben worked on Vespa’s wounds with a frown on his face. Once Vespa was bandaged, Ben looked at Juno severely.

“Okay, now show it.” He crosses his arms.

“Show what?” Juno asked, finishing the bandaging on Jet’s arm.

“Whatever injury you hid from everyone like the heroic idiot you are. I thought we’ve been over this, you have to look after yourself.” Benzaiten said, rushing to his brother’s side just as his knees started to buckle from under him.

“For the record, it wouldn’t have mattered. I’m still in better shape than those two combined.” He grumbled, letting Ben see the blaster graze to the side of his stomach.

“Yeah, right, Super Steel. Now sit down and let me check this. You’re going to need stitching.” He said, beginning to work through the process of cleaning the wounds.

As soon as everyone was stitched, Jet wanted to go back to the rendezvous point they agreed on before the mission. But he knew that he wouldn’t be able to both carry Vespa and support Juno.

“I’ll help you get them there.” Benzaiten said quietly. “Whatever you all are doing, I bet it’s illegal. I also bet it’s dangerous. I get that it’s dangerous to trust other people, but... there’s no way I’m rating you out. Not when I know how much Juno cares about you, and not in general.” He promised, looking up at Jet’s eyes. He considered for a moment, weighing the pros and cons of it all, then nodded.

“Very well. We must proceed carefully then.” He started leading the way for the ship, using the map on his comms. He called Rita, informing her of their situation. She updated him on the situation of everyone on the ship as well. They were all relatively unharmed. He was relieved. The trip down the sewers was relatively quiet, besides Benzaiten’s humming.

~~~

“Mistah Ben! Whatcha doin here?” Ben was surprised to see Rita near the ship. He smiled, waving at her.

“Hi Rita, long time no see. Gotta say I’m not too surprised you’re here. Juno wouldn’t have survived a day without you, probably.” He laughed, getting elbowed in the ribs by his brother who was leaning on him.

“Jet, darling, do you mind getting Vespa to the infirmary? Thank you dear. Now, welcome. I’m Buddy, and I’m the captain of this ship.” A tall redhead woman walked forward, hair covering a half of her face. She reached out a hand for a handshake.

“Benzaiten Steel. Nice to meet you. Can’t say Juno told me anything about you, but...” Ben smiled, trying to be polite and friendly.

“He better not. But now that you’re here... how about we get your brother into the infirmary and then we talk?” She asked, a weary smile on her face as she took some of Juno’s weight off his shoulder.

“You’re both overreacting, I’m fine.” Juno groaned, doing his best to support his own weight. Buddy rolled her eyes.

“Hush darling, you’re going to the infirmary until you can actually stand on both legs. If Vespa was awake she would’ve already knocked you up herself, and I will not hesitate to do the same.” She said with a fond smile, and Ben laughed. He should’ve tensed. He should feel his skin crawling with the insinuation of this woman hurting his brother. He should want to grab Juno and hide somewhere small and dark like they did so many times as kids and like he still never fully forgot.

But he didn’t. Because she wasn’t threatening him. No, she was being kind and considerate. Careful not to act intimidating or move sharply. Juno didn’t even flinch, and he was much more sensitive to the implicit threats in interactions. The realisation dawned on him that she’s acting like a mother might’ve acted. Like their ma never did.

Once Juno was safely deposited in the infirmary (manned by one Peter Ransom, who Benten noticed looked extremely concerned about Juno), Buddy lead him out to what seemed to be the common room of the ship.

“Thank you for your help, Benzaiten. I appreciate what you did for my family.” She said, pouring two glasses of a drink which was unfamiliar to Ben, but smelled distinctly alcoholic. She pushed one glass toward him.

“Sorry, I don’t drink.” He apologised, pushing it right back. He quit when he was fourteen, and tried his best not to return to old habits. He almost did at nineteen, after his near death experience, but he held strong. “But... really, it’s no problem. You looked really concerned about that woman... Vespa, right? I think Jet mentioned her name. She’s going to be okay. I’ve seen weaker people come back from worse.” He tried to offer encouragement. Buddy shook her head with a smile.

“I know that, darling. My Vespa’s been through much worse and bounced back, and both Jet and Juno are very capable, but there’s always a few when you know your family is in danger and you aren’t there to help.” Her voice was deep and soft, lulling Ben into a sense of security. A realisation hit him, shocking in its strength.

“You consider Juno part of your family too.” He looked at her, stunned, and she let out a low chuckle.

“Well of course. All the people on this ship are my family. We live together, we work together, we protect each other and care for each other. In my opinion, that is the essence of what family is.” She leaned forward, confident and comfortable, like a queen on her throne.

“This... I bet he doesn’t say that, but this has to mean a lot for Juno. We never had much family growing up except for each other, so this... this is huge. Thank you. For being his family.” He looked away, a soft smile still on his face. It looked sad.

“It’s not a problem at all, darling. You’re also welcome to see yourself as part of this family. I assume you wouldn’t stay, but my family’s family is my own.” She offered him a hand again, and he hesitated before shaking it firmly. “Welcome to the family.”

#fic #the penumbra podcast #tpp #penumbra podcast #juno steel #benzaiten steel #rita reducted #rita lastname #rita penumbra #jet sikuliaq #tpp jet #tpp juno #buddy aurinko #tpp buddy

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fixerupperofarrendelle · 4 years

Text

Day 1: “The Wind Blows A Little Bit Colder...”

A/N: Thank you for reading! This is my first time doing a challenge on tumblr, but I hope I can make some friends within this fandom. ❤️

@vannminner @vuelie

The wind blows a little bit colder in Arendelle as the autumn breeze changes to winter snowfalls.

This period of time has been full of change. Elsa abdicated the throne, placing the kingdom of Arendelle into the hands of Anna, and moved to the Enchanted Forest as protector of the spirits and the Northuldra people living in the Forest. The former queen, now the fifth spirit, truly feels like she is where she belongs.

Anna, on the other hand, has had a tough time transitioning into her new rule. Of course, she had a great role model— Elsa handled her queenly duties with grace after the Great Thaw. But Anna wasn't like Elsa. She always felt more like the spare child, not the other side of a very important bridge as Elsa had told her.

The people of Arendelle was always Anna's main concern. She wanted to make wise decisions with trade agreements and other political changes. Balancing council meetings, paperwork, and foreign dignitary visits, Anna could barely keep her head afloat.

Sure, she had Kristoff who was always ready to listen to her venting sessions. Olaf and Sven would do their best to cheer up the exhausted Queen.

She knew that she could send a note with Gale to tell Elsa she needed her, but Anna did not want to do that. The queen's realization of her struggles with being codependent caused her to try to do it all on her own.

Kristoff saw red flags almost immediately after Anna was coronated. He gave her a few weeks, hoping Anna just needed time to adjust. But with her constant mood swings, her skipping meals, and her staying up way too late to finish paperwork, Anna was struggling.

The only time she seemed to be herself was when Elsa came for family game night. Sometimes, Elsa would stay the whole weekend, which she had been doing more recently because she missed spending time with her little sister.

Today is Friday. Elsa should be arriving shortly after lunch. She always patiently waits for Anna to finish up in her meetings before coming to relax and have fun with the family.

Kristoff decides as soon as Elsa arrives, he will discuss what he's noticed about Anna. Maybe she can provide some comfort.

Anna runs into the dining hall a few minutes after noon. Without a word, she takes her seat.

"Um... hey," Kristoff speaks as he rubs the back of his neck nervously.

She avoids eye contact but sighs, "Hey, honey."

"Is... everything alright?"

"Everything is fine, Kristoff. I just don't think I'm going to finish my paperwork in time for family game night," Anna folds her arms and lays her head on the table.

"I'm sure Elsa will understand. She will probably stay the whole weekend anyways," Kristoff responds, trying to soothe his fiancé.

"She shouldn't have to do that," Anna grumbles.

"What do mean?" Kristoff gives her a look of confusion.

"She should just come for family game night and then go back to the forest where she belongs-"

"Woah, Anna. Are you sure you're-"

"I'm fine!" Anna yells as she slams her fists against the table.

Kristoff stares at her, his jaws dropped.

Anna cringes with embarrassment from her outburst. Tears begin to stream down her cheeks. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell. Just... tell Gerda to send my lunch to my room," She speaks choppily.

Before Kristoff can object, Anna runs out of the dining hall and practically flies upstairs, skipping one or two stairs between every step.

Kristoff lets out a sad sigh just as Gerda walks in with the huge meal. "Gerda, would you please take her meal to her room?"

"Yes, my lord," she responds as she sets the plate of food in front of Kristoff. Gerda hastily pushes the tray of food out of the room.

Kristoff hates being call a lord. He's just a mountain man that fell in love with a Queen, but Anna insists that he is spoken to with his formal title.

Interrupting his thoughts, Elsa elegantly walks inside the dining hall.

"Elsa!" Kristoff jumps up and gives her a hug.

"Hey, Kristoff," Elsa smiles at him. She looks around him, expecting a hug from her sister.

Her smile fades, "Where is Anna?"

"She's in her room... um... Elsa? I need to talk to you about her."

A flash of concern washes over Elsa's features. "Please, let's sit down," she leads him back to the dining table. "What's going on?"

"At first, I thought she just needed time to adjust to being Queen, you know? But she is overworking herself. She skips meals and never comes to bed before midnight. Her mood changes constantly, and Anna is only herself when you come to visit," Kristoff informs Elsa.

Elsa's face twists with sadness. Without another thought she stands up, "I need to talk to her-"

"Wait!" Kristoff stops her. "Um... she's upset right now, because she doesn't think she will finish her work in time for game night," he warns.

"Thank you for telling me, Kristoff. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go talk to my sister," Elsa says almost pleading. Kristoff gives a polite nod and decides to walk to the barn to feed Sven.

Elsa softly knocks on the Anna’s door. When she doesn't get a response, Elsa presses her ear against the wood. Sobs escape her sister's mouth on the other side.

"Anna? Please, let me in— it's Elsa."

Another minute passes. Restless, Elsa tries again. "Anna, please! I'm going to open this door."

Instantly, Anna swings the door open and throws herself into Elsa's arms. "E-Els-sa," she sobs loudly.

Elsa holds her steady and gently leads her to the bed in Anna's room. She quickly jumps up to close the door and runs back over to her little sister.

"Anna, breathe. It's okay, dear, I'm here now," Elsa attempts to soothe the wailing queen.

It takes Elsa about thirty minutes to calm Anna well enough to understand Anna when she speaks. "What's been going on?" Elsa strokes her sister's cheek.

Anna turns her face away and remains quiet.

"Anna," Elsa reprimands gently, "Don't shut me out, please."

"I'm not you," Anna chokes out.

"What?" Elsa gasps. Anna looks back at her older sister.

"I'm not you, Elsa," Anna stands up and starts to pace around her room. "I'm not an amazing queen who has magical powers. Like Olaf said, I'm powerless. I was never meant to be the queen— I'm just.... the spare."

In shock, Elsa stares at her sister. She slowly walks toward Anna. Elsa places her hands firmly on Anna's shoulder. "I didn't know you felt that way," Elsa tells her guiltily.

"No, no, it's okay-"

"Anna," Elsa stops her. A single tear falls down the oldest's face. "I want to show you something."

Elsa shuts her eyes and conjures the icy magic. Snowflakes swirl around the room, collecting in the center, a few feet away from the girls. There, ice formations of King Agnarr and Queen Iduna form.

"Darling, I've been thinking," Iduna starts as she looks lovingly at her husband.

Anna gasps and glances at Elsa when she recognizes the icy figures.

"It might be time to tell Anna about Elsa. I can't bear keeping her shut out anymore. She's maturing now, she can be responsible," the Queen reasons.

"It's not Anna I'm worried about. What if we let them get close again and the feelings are too much for Elsa? Joy brings her powers out strongly as fear,” the King reminds his wife.

In shock, Anna takes a small step forward, watching the scene take place in front of her.

"But if anyone can find a way to help her, it's Anna," Queen Iduna smiles.

"She may be right about that. There's not much that girl can't do,” King Agnarr smiles now, thinking about his youngest daughter.

Iduna sighs happily, "Her love could hold up the world."

"Lucky for the world," the King chuckles. "Okay, we'll tell her when we return."

The King and Queen share a sweet hug as Iduna hums in contentment.

Anna turns to Elsa and runs into her sister's arms. She sniffles loudly, "Thank you so much for that."

Elsa pulls away to look Anna in the eyes. "They believed in you, Anna, and so do I," Elsa smiles warmly at Anna.

"Oh, Elsa," Anna wipes the snot of her face with the sleeve of her dress, causing Elsa to giggle.

"And hey, you do not have to be me to rule Arendelle. The people here adore you, Anna. You may not have ice powers, but you have something stronger," says Elsa.

"What's that?" Anna shakes her in disbelief.

Elsa places a hand on her sister's shoulder.

"Love!"

#frozenkingdomofcovid #kristanna #elsa #anna #iduna #movies #disney olaf #disney #kristoff #queen elsa #frozen #frozen fic #frozen fanfiction #frozen 2

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magicmoontea · 4 years

Text

Illuminated Fantasies (1/2)

Characters: Beckett Harrington x f!MC (Iris Atwood), Pend Pals

Rating: M, Language and sexual themes, topics of mental health

Word Count: 5760 ~Less than 20 min read (A bit longer, I couldn’t help myself!)

Summary: It’s the Summer Solstice and Iris and the Pend Pals are celebrating! Feeling her Sun magick growing on this day, Iris struggles within herself to keep a balance between her unchecked fears and fantasies from bursting out.

Notes: This takes place after book 2, and ignores Winter’s past. Beckett and Iris (f!MC) remained friends throughout their time at Penderghast and never pushed it further than harmless flirting. I wanted to make Iris feel more relatable as I felt like they gave her too much power, so I ran with it. If angsty reads aren’t your thing, this might not be for you. This is my very first fic posted online, so I’d love to hear what you thought <3

Part two coming soon!

Created for @choicesaprilchallenge - Fantasy day 28

Everything inside of the brilliant Sun-Att hummed beautifully and yet unmistakably powerful and intense at the same time. She could sense the strength of her Sun magick growing stronger and radiating powerfully as it was the early morning of the Summer Solstice. Iris felt the weight of her immense pure Sun magick.

She had woken up before the sunrise, drenched in sweat, even with her air magick spells flowing around her bedroom, and could feel her heart racing against her chest. To Iris’ surprise, she was also glowing a warm golden hue without any effort making light rays dance across the walls. She sat up and wiped the wild platinum blonde strands that clung to her forehead and clutched her heart and tried to slow her breath. The glow eventually faded and ultimately the pressure in her chest went along with it. If she was being honest with herself, it was all starting to wear her thin.

Iris had been spending her time nurturing her newfound relationship with her mom/not intimidating at all Sun Source. There was so much to unpack with all information she was given the last few weeks of her second year at Penderghast. It was overwhelming at times to remember that not that long ago she had no idea magick truly existed, and she built her reality, thought patterns, and idea of herself around the idea that she was unordinary, powerless to change her situation and truly doesn’t belong.

She’d be lying if she said all those feelings disappeared when she found her magick within her, practiced and came to the powerful place she is today. It was incredibly hard for Iris to shake certain thoughts she had about herself since childhood and what her role to other people was supposed to be.

Being half Sun source didn’t change the fact that for a long time she struggled with dark thoughts about herself that shadowed her mind. Sun will bring shade, and her heart definitely carried that darkness that she buried with positivity and hope for a safe place for her to truly belong one day. Her caretakers were good people but she had spent many nights alone in her room in a whole other world in her mind.

Iris grew up a lonely only child, and she couldn’t talk to anyone about how she just felt different and that it kept her up at night. That her emotions were so strong at times that she felt she was going to burst, and that she went through such high and lows with them. She was told consistently that it was part of growing up, and she learned to accept that true happiness and belonging happened to other people, not her. It was just the cards she was dealt in life.

After meeting and finding out about Atlas and developing a quick bond with her to fill the years they were apart made Iris feel truly happy for a while. However, after a while, she clung to the idea that this was her family and so this must be who she really is, and it fed into Iris' terrible habit of codependency. It was so much easier in her head to have people tell you who you are and how to respond because you were never allowed to explore those options on your own.

So needless to say, she was freaking the hell out with the information that she and Atlas were half Source. What did that mean for her future? How did being half Source change the paths she took in life and how her magick looks like in the future? When Iris allowed herself to be truly honest with herself, there were times she felt terrified of the power she possessed.

For a while, she didn’t feel worthy of her magick after finding out she was Attuned to an extremely rare attunement as people have gone their whole lives knowing and practicing magick and not having half the power she does. She didn't feel like she deserved the praises from teachers that either taught her or didn't as she easily combined her natural talent and years of being a tuneless scholar, let alone deserving of or being even capable of being a half Source.

She knew she had no choice but to accept who she was, but it was a difficult journey that caused so much doubt and fear. Iris was still just getting a good grip and control on her refractionary magick’s effect on her body let alone have enough energy to deal with the heavy fact that she was half Source, the responsibility of having Kane's tether, and having every single person looking at your every move wondering what the great Sun-Att will do next when in reality she has no fucking idea what she's doing.

Tonight, she guessed she was only getting 3 hours of sleep as her body was full of adrenaline from it being the most powerful day to be a Sun-Att. Annoyed that she wasn’t able to enjoy the comfort of her own bed as long as she’d like, Iris decided to make the most of her extra Sun magick energy and practice her prescience. She hoped she’d be able to burn some energy off as she wouldn’t be able to sit still with that much magick that wanted to pour out.

Sitting up and crossing her legs in the lotus position, Iris took calming breaths. It didn’t take long to feel the connection to the sun, even as the sun was just starting the early stages of sunrise. Her magick was powerful and strong and she knew from previous prescience practices, that it really isn’t practice at all, prescience will do what it wants when it wants. The more you work with it, the more it becomes more than a gut feeling, but you can’t just pull it whenever you please.

That’s why she was trying to use her prescience this morning of the Summer Solstice to invite that heightened connection and welcome prescience to happen freely to continue a vision she has earlier that week. She had been minding her own business a few days ago prior and felt her entire body flush with goosebumps like she was just exiting a cold movie theater into a warm summer day. With all the advanced practices with her mom, Theia, and Dean Swan, she knew that she was getting a vision.

It wasn’t a long vision, but she was floored with how genuinely happy she felt in it, and how that effect lasted throughout the waking hours. She spent the rest of the day fantasizing about it and being terrified to dissect it further because that would mean thinking about something, she pushed down first year: how she truly felt about her best friend Beckett. And she wasn't sure if she could handle that.

In her vision was Beckett, illuminated by the glow of a magical fire, beamed at her with such tenderness he reserves just for her and brushed her hair behind her ears. Then it faded away no matter how hard she tried to stay with it and focus.

With each thought that took over Iris’ mind over those next days, one thing was becoming more and more clear to her: that she was lying to herself about how she felt about him. She never took the time to challenge the butterflies in her stomach when her fingers grazed his when he handed her an ingredient for a potion or how his freckles dancing on his cheeks when he smiled at her made behind her knees sweaty, or that she felt like he was one of the only people who truly listened to her, and didn’t put any expectation of what she should be regardless of magick potential.

There was a time early in her time at Penderghast that she knew that she was attracted to him and spent many nights allowing herself to fantasize about him and what it would be like to hear him moan and make him feel like he can lose control for one night of ecstasy with her. She always came quickly on her soaking fingers then, biting her lip from crying out his name and as if that would make the situation less awkward tomorrow when she saw him in class. As she learned that she needed him to be there for her emotionally and in her life more than she could have ever guessed, she stopped any thoughts or impulse based on pure lust that would risk losing him.

She knew part of the reason they had such a good bond was that they both had similar struggles. No, Harrington’s wealthy upscale lifestyle and his ability to be such a prick in the beginning definitely didn’t help, but as time went on it became more obvious that he was running from something in himself, too: constant perfection.

If Iris traced back to when she no longer could deny the surge of pure emotion she got when she was by Beckett, it was when he ended up in the hospital creating a ward to save her from Kane. She would have without a doubt died without him. She was beyond grateful. The look he gave her when he asked her if she was okay made her realize that this amazing man truly cared about her.

Even after she put him through a fight with a psychopath killer Raife, cried on his shoulders numerous times and suffered massive panic attacks in front of him before fighting for her life at 19, beat him in magickal competitions revolving topics she just heard about, or after he saw the dustiest parts of her soul and stared back unflinchingly, he still cared.

Iris never thought that Beckett could actually care about her in that way though. She never saw any signs besides his blushing inexperienced geek self-antics whenever she teased him, but always pushed that away so she wouldn’t get hurt. Deep down she had a terrible fear that she would never be good enough for someone as smart and well established as him as she still viewed herself as someone who ungracefully barged herself into a world she knew nothing about and was given a substantial amount of the magickal powers without deserving them.

Pulling herself back into the present moment, Iris took another breath feeling the connection to the sun growing stronger as the sun started to rise more. She desperately wanted to see more of a vision of tonight, as she deduced that the magickal fire she saw in the earlier vision was going to be the ritual Summer Solstice fire from the get together Shreya was having later.

She then focused her attention on thoughts of the party this afternoon, Beckett, and herself. Having a good feeling plus the power of the sun on Summer Solstice sparked that extra confidence Iris needed to make it work.

Then it started to happen. Feeling like she just received amazing news, she felt her whole-body spark with energy. Her body began to hum and tingle as goosebumps danced their way across her freckles and skin. White lights appeared at the corners of her eyes as a vision was starting to come through.

When the vision played out in Iris’ head, her toes curled underneath her legs on the bed and she audibly gasped. Her body temperature rose greatly at what she just saw, and she felt her body become flushed. She has no idea what she has to do to make that vision come true, but she will do whatever it takes.

For starters, she figured it wouldn’t hurt to change her outfit tonight to the black sundress with the mini golden suns, and flowers that she saw laying on the floor of the vision.

-----------------------------

“Okay, so now who is going to clean this up?” Shreya asked jokingly as she looked around her large kitchen and the mess the Pend Pals had made while baking traditional ginger and cinnamon Summer Solstice cookies. There was more flour on the ground than in the cookies themself, but they couldn’t help but throwing some flour in the air and having each one take turns running their magick through it to create different effects. All for healthy competition of course.

“Oh, I know of an excellent cleaning spell that can clean this mess easily.” Beckett offered to help as he looked around at their mess as well as Atlas currently making a snow flour angel on the ground. Not being in the best mood today since it was the hardest day to be a Moon-Att, Iris smiled at her sister enjoying herself.

“Don’t be silly. My parents said not to worry about cleanup at all after my party. They just wanted me to have fun celebrating with my BFF Sun-Att’s favorite day!” Shreya said happily, feeling the many toasts to the sun, she made the group do earlier.

Iris smiled sheepishly. “I’m glad you’re fine with sharing the day. I know being a Fire-Att gets your magick all pumped up today as well, so it’s about you, too. Besides, I had plenty of time practicing my sun Magick with my Sun Source mom earlier. Which is still so weird to say by the way.”

“She’s the best!!!” Atlas sang from the ground, and everyone gave each other a knowing look and smirk, Atlas was quickly feeling her drinks as well as all ofer energy was used to muster any magick. She got up and waited for Iris to cast an Air spell to clean her off like she had earlier since “Atlas’ energy needed to be saved at all costs”.

Her energy is saved for more drinking, Iris thought. Plus, she was sure she loved having her to boss around.

“I still can’t believe you can hang out with Sources all day!” Zeph proclaimed and Griffin agreed in and expressed their well-known feelings again making Iris’ stomach do flip flops. She didn’t like the kind of attention it brought.

“It’s not all that great, really. Nome and my mom are the ones I see the most and they barely can remember what it’s like to be in a human form half the time. It’s bizarre. But, I appreciate it. I do say though, they are working me to death with training and skill enhancing.” Iris rolled her eyes and welcomed the fresh air as they made their way back outside into the now summer night.

Shreya had really outdone herself with decorating her large, luscious backyard for just her friends to come over. Shreya never did anything half-assed, and of course had magickal snacks, foods, and drinks that cost more than Iris wanted to think about. She had asked for Iris’ help, however, on the finishing decorating touches: hundreds of warm orbs flowing and glowing throughout the air to create the mood.

“You’re planning on sharing that knowledge with me, correct?” Beckett asked with terror clear on his features. Iris couldn’t help but smile at him and for the hundredth time that night already, get flustered by the things she never allowed herself to before. Blaming the extra Sun Magick, her prescience vision, or just her unchecked desires, Iris decided to go with it.

“Of course. Atlas is way too good at the Moon spells already obviously, so I’m going to need someone to compete with. And win against of course.” She bumped her shoulder into his playfully, and she could see the tips of his ears turning pink. Just like the good ole days.

Her vision from this morning came crashing back to her: Beckett kissing in her underwear like his life depended on it, with her sundress on the ground. She knew that not every vision comes true, and that not every vision necessarily is what the future holds. She could have very well thrown off her prescience with her evolving attraction to Beckett that was at the forefront of her mind for the past couple days. But she was going to try to look for any sign that it may happen, and more importantly that he wanted it to happen.

“I actually have a really fun spell for us to try with the fire we make tonight?” Iris spoke and looked at Atlas knowing that she would be for it.

“Are you talking about the spell we were just taught?” Atlas actually looked excited. “I think I should have enough energy for that. But I don’t know, Iris, you might have to be my personal magickal assistant for a bit longer though.”

Iris stuck out her tongue as a response to her twin and continued to the others, “It’s a really fun spell that uses the emotional nature of the Moon and the affirmative nature of the Sun and it actually shows what you fantasize most. So you cast intention onto something gets thrown into water, fire, over a cliff or whatever as long as it disappears and so it can come back to you with what your heart fantasizes.”

“Or you don’t cast intention and the spell only shows you that you fantasize a really good sandwich.” Atlas retorts back laughing on her past experiences.

“That is true.” Iris smiled remembering her first experience. “I didn’t really want to think about anything major the first time, and focused on just practicing the spell, too. It showed me a nice bed with the window open for a slight breeze. I guess my body just needed sleep.” Iris shrugged and continued a bit softer as she spoke, “Then I tried it when I was in a shitty mood, and I fantasized a day where no one knew my name or who I’ve fought and had any expectations of me.”

The group got a little quiet after Iris’ statement and she could feel a pair of grey eyes on her as she sat next to him. She smiled to lighten up the mood scolding herself for being a damper. “So let’s make sure we have a lot of fun before hand, and knowing us that won’t be a problem.”

Shreya’s mouth dropped open in shock and spoke, “A spell that plays out your fantasy in front of you? Um yes! Sign me up. I’ve been thinking about this eye candy that shops near one of my favorite boutiques a lot lately.”

She wiggled her eyes up and down, and Beckett and Zeph sighed poking fun at their friend at the same time, looked at each other and high fived each other laughing.

“I’m SO happy that I won’t be able to see that play before me. I’m already weak as is tonight.” Atlas retorted taking her seat around the bonfire area as well.

Everyone did their part to contribute to the bonfire, and they could feel the warm magickal effect flowing through each of them as it began to blaze brightly. Shreya used her Fire magick to make the fire have beautiful color changing effects, casting a vibrant glow on everyone’s faces.

The group began to bond quickly over the time they hadn’t seen each other and laughed over stupid things each other has done and drank plenty of drinks mixed magickal mood enhancers as the night wore on. They were playing a game of blind enhancements: where basically you take a magickal drink not knowing the magickal effects. Shreya ensured the frantic Beckett multiple times that she wouldn’t put an enhancement in there that ‘wasn’t fun’. Not feeling super comforted with that answer, Beckett still played and even found himself sitting there blazer off, sleeves rolled up and laughing until his stomach hurt at the different situations that arose.

Aster began to speak a different language for a whole turn, Zeph’s skin turned green for 20 minutes, Griffin felt a strong urge to sing loudly and Shreya went through a fit of hysterical laughter. Atlas was even a good sport when her drink made her want to dance wildly and hiccup every other word.

There was one particular drink that Beckett had taken and remained suspiciously quiet for a while after. Iris couldn’t help but notice the fidgeting Attuned next to her and his blushing ear tips when she had pressed her thigh against his for a brief moment. She wouldn’t call him on it until later when they were alone, but she knew that he didn’t get a “bashful” one.

They switched over to playing ‘Never Have I Ever’ and enjoyed embarrassing one another. They had started with easy questions, but leave it to Atlas to break the seal with, “Never have I had sex with the lights on. Having sex in the day doesn’t count”.

Zeph laughed and said, “It’s never been better to be asexual”.

Aster blushed furiously at the topic but didn’t take a drink. Shreya and Griffin took a drink quickly. Iris snuck a quick drink to avoid attention to her and conversations about her sex life, but noticed that Beckett didn’t take a drink.

Iris mind began to wonder again to Beckett’s sex life. A topic they never talked about. Was he a virgin and if not how experienced was he? How many people has he been with? What does he enjoy in bed?

Beckett cleared his throat indicating he has asked a question, and she noticed that everyone stopped talking. Blushing furiously, she realized she hadn’t been paying attention to what was going on.

“I’m sorry, I missed what you said.” She blushed harder even though she tried not to as Beckett looked at her in the eyes.

Then it happened. Her vision came to life. He smiled so wide that his eyes were smiling, too. He showed her such tenderness in his smile that it felt so much better than her vision to be on the receiving end. He leaned forward and tucked the wild strand behind her hair.

“That’s okay. You obviously were having a very important thought. I tend to know a thing or two about those.” His eyes held a little mischief like he knew, and she was worried that he could somehow read her mind. “What I had asked before was, do you think it’s the right time to successfully implement the fantasy spell?”

“Yeah, no time like the present.” Iris felt herself beaming at him and looking at him with her heart on her sleeve, not caring that her intuitive twin would definitely be asking about why she was looking at him like that later. Beckett’s blush reached his cheek at the same time the magickal fire glowed a beautiful magenta hue, illuminating his face and highlighting his blush in a stunning way. She felt her heart skip a beat.

Shreya who was getting more drunk by the minute, spoke loudly interrupting their moment. “I’M SO READY!”

Iris smiled at her best friend enjoying the night and complimenting herself on how great the party she threw was going. Iris wasn’t feeling anything more than buzzed as her Sun Magick was working her energy and metabolism quickly, but she didn’t mind. If she was going to have any part of her vision come true tonight, she wanted to be clear headed.

“Okay, everyone have their stick they’re going to cast their intentions with?” Everyone nodded and grabbed their twig they picked out earlier. “Okay, now take a moment to take a couple deep breaths before I cast the spell to ground yourself.” As everyone closed their eyes, Iris couldn’t help but peek at Beckett before taking her own grounding breaths.

Standing up with Atlas who stood on the other end of the fire, they began to recite the powerful spell. Everyone’s stick began to illuminate a bright magickal golden hue and rise by the energy of the spell. Then each stick flew into the fire one by one, casting a puff of colorful smoke.

Iris felt the corners of her eyes grow blindingly bright as she was pulled into her spell’s fantasy. The vision began to unfold. She found herself sleeping in bed, breeze blowing through a quiet bedroom. The peace and quiet was soon challenged as vision Iris sat straight up in bed gasping, waking from a night terror.

Stirring next to her was another body and to her heart’s pleasure sat up Beckett, tousled hair from sleep, rubbing her shoulders kissing them lazily and softly.

“Bad dream, baby?” His voice thick with sleep asked vision Iris as she leaned into his touch and nodded. He enveloped her into a large hug and slowly brought her back to lay down in bed. She rested her head on his heart, and he stroked her hair.

“I’m here. No one will hurt you as long as I’m here. You’re safe. I’m not going anywhere. Ever.” His gentle voice and soft kisses to her head pulled her back to sleep.

Iris was pulled back to reality gasping trying to get a bearings of her surroundings again. She looked around to her friends who were wearing excited faces and started to chatter about what they saw in their own fantasties. Aster was giddy with delight seeing her excel in Attuned Magick and Zeph had fantasies about being the new Thief captain.

Shreya then began to talk about the love story that folded into her fantasy and that racy novelists should just contact her now, she has a best seller. Iris felt herself fading away more and more from the group as her mind began to unravel.

She felt the ringing in her ears getting louder as a toxic thought kept repeating over and over: “you’ll never be good enough for that fantasy to be real. That happens to other people. Not you. He could never care about someone like you. Someone who doesn’t even deserve to have this immense power circulating through you right now. Someone who can’t even control it properly. Who has no idea what they are doing. You can’t do this.”

Iris stood up abruptly then Sun magick bursting through her as her magick and mind threatened to spiral, shocking her friends slightly at the sudden movement and bright light that briefly casted them.

“I….I...I don’t feel well.” Was the best Iris could make out. Her breaths were becoming staggered and shallow, and she felt the continuous intense rolling pressure in her chest and body that her anxiety brought. “Bathroom.” She bolted her way away from her friends, and could faintly hear Griffin laugh and say, “TMI” as she made her way into Shreya’s house.

She didn’t want anyone to follow her, and she wasn’t particularly sure where anything was in Shreya’s large house. So she just continued to walk down the gorgeous marble hallway down to the other end of the house hoping that the walk will calm her and her mind.

She rounded the corner and made her way down a second hallway to the back of the house. Stopping by the luxurious sunroom, Iris decided that this was a good place to hide and recoup. She admired the bright furniture and enchanted ceiling to have vines and other beautiful floral hanging below gracefully. Her Water magick hummed with delight when she saw the fountain and magickal rain that occurred for the plants every so often. Running her fingers in the fountain and casting little light orbs to follow her magickally started to make her feel at ease already.

Feeling foolish for how she left and having the fantasy affect her this much, Iris chastised herself again. She just wanted to be normal. Funny, she long hated her life before magick, but she envied the simplicity of just wanting to belong. She still didn’t feel like she belonged and now had a world of responsibility and power and everyone telling her where they think she belongs and watching her every move. Maybe she wasn’t able to handle this, and she didn’t know if she could let everyone down. She began to cry softly.

“I’m sorry.” Iris stated out loud to no one in particular feeling pathetic.

“Hey, no need for that.” Beckett spoke softly startling Iris at his entrance to the room. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. You had been gone for a bit, and I could tell something was wrong, so I wanted to find you. Don’t worry, the others think I’m admiring the flora in the front garden.”

“How did you find me?” Iris said sniffling and wiping her eyes to compose herself in front of someone who always looked so well kempt.

“It’s funny how you don’t even have to try, but it’s as if you are my magnet. I find myself being able to feel your energy and magick quite easily.” Beckett explained and made his way to sit next to her on the large couch.

“You’re being too sweet because I freaked out back there. You don’t have to baby me. I know I’m crazy.” Iris spoke and hated how self deprecating she sounded. He shifted his body to look at her face forcing her to meet him in the eyes.

“Don’t ever say that about yourself. You’re not crazy. You just spend so much time taking care of others, that when you take care of yourself it feels strange.” He said matter of factly, and she cursed his brilliant brain for being right all the time.

“I hate the attention being on me. I can’t stand the pressure anymore, Beck. It’s all getting to me. I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. Atlas wants to go head first into the whole half-Source life, and I’m sitting here fucking terrified! I don’t deserve this, I don’t deserve all this power.” Iris broke her facade that she was strong and doing well and began to sob into Beckett’s arms.

He took her into his arms and tightened the hug holding her like he was the glue keeping her together. He stroked her hair and let her cry and let out her emotions she desperately needed to release. He gave comforting noises but didn’t try to stop her from feeling. He made her feel validated for being upset.

After she her crying slowed down, she stayed for a while breathing in Beckett’s scent and just feeling his warm strong hand caressing her back soothingly. She reluctantly pulled back after a while, and she was so close to him that she could count all his freckles.

“I’m so-” Iris began to apologize and Beckett gently put his finger to her mouth to silence her. She couldn’t help but feel the electricity that sparked through her as he touched her lips.

“Don’t apologize. You have nothing to be sorry for. I want to be here for you, through thick and thin.” He stared at her face as if he was having a long conversation with himself before he continued speaking.

“You deserve everything that makes you happy. It pains me greatly to see you like this. To think that you don’t feel the way you brighten everyone’s lives. That you can’t see that your warmth stays with people for hours and how no one forgets all the times you’ve been there for them. You take on every challenge with everything you have, Iris. You’ve been through terrible situations no one should ever be in, but yet you’re in them again and again with people asking too much of you. And you give to them! You give everything you have to every person, and you’re still able to find the spark in the darkest room because that’s how incredible you are! You’re there for Atlas but she can’t be there for you emotionally. You’re there for Shreya but there is always going to be that distance between you guys because you can’t relate. Iris, when the hell are you there for yourself?”

Knowing that Iris wasn’t actually going to answer that question, Beckett’s cheeks blushed as he spoke, “No matter. I will be there for you whenever you aren’t there for yourself to remind you how amazing you are.”

Iris just stared at her friend in shock that not only did someone think of her that way, but that Beckett thought of her that way. Her lip started to quiver as she was overcome with intense emotion and Beckett cupped her face. They had never shared such an intimate and raw moment, and Iris felt her heart and soul fall even more head over heels in love with the man in front of her. The man who wanted to be her light for her when she couldn’t find her own.

“Thank you.” Was all she could croak out as she took an audible gulp. After a moment of comfortable silence and steadying her breath she continued, “You know, Beck. I couldn’t have made it this far without you. I’m so grateful to have you in my life. You make me feel like I can figure out who I am and be allowed to fail, and I can’t even begin to tell you how amazing that feels.”

She smiled at him and allowed herself to show the person she cared for most just how much she cared in her eyes. She rested her hands against his thigh, and she could hear his breath hitch. She didn’t want to be afraid of rejection and losing him anymore. His thumb brushed against her cheek lightly, and he didn’t make any moves to move apart. She could feel his breath hitting her lips and she enjoyed the way his aroma began to engulf her as well.

“I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. It’s crazy but I’d do just about anything to keep you safe. I can’t pull myself away from you, and I don't think I want to try anymore” Beckett spoke softly blushing lightly at his confession. She felt her chest tighten and her mind wanted to tell her that is was a lie, but a part of her that she was so tired of fighting, wanted it to be true.

“Beckett…” Iris breathed and found herself lost at words, feeling her magick drawing herself even closer to him. He was intoxicating.

“Can you tell me something, Iris?” Beckett asked her and she would just about give him anything he wanted now.

“Of course.”

“Obviously something you saw in the fantasy made you a bit upset. Do you mind telling me what it was?” He sheepishly asked and she could tell this flustered him a bit instantly making her wonder what his was. She tried to control her body temperature, so she didn’t give anything anyway.

“It wasn’t a bad fantasy or vision. It just made me a bit sad because I desperately wanted it to be my future, but I have a terrible fear that it would never happen. It hurts too much to think about that.” Iris took a deep breath and looked down at her lap and thanked all the energy the Summer Solstice brought to give her the courage she needed to say what she wanted out loud.

“What was it, Iris?” The vulnerability in his voice made her tear her gaze from her lap and look into his grey eyes that were heavy with emotion.

“Beckett…” Iris felt her face getting warmer as she spoke, “My fantasy was that you loved me.”

#beckett harrington #the elementalists #play choices #fanfic #choicesaprilchallenge #fanfiction #choices stories you play #beckett x mc #beckett harrington x mc #choices fanfiction

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avengerscompound · 4 years

Text

She Sets the City on Fire - Text Messages

She Sets the City on Fire: A Bruce Banner Fanfic

MASTERLIST PREVIOUS //

Buy me a ☕ Square: @brucebannerbingo - E3, Addiction

Rating: E

Warning: Age Gap, Recreational drug use (ecstasy), Smut (masturbation, M|F semi-public sex, sex while under the influence of drugs, oral sex, vaginal sex)

Word Count: 3227

Pairing: Bruce Banner x OFC (Summer)

Summary: Bruce is drawn to Summer. She’s everything he wished he could be. Carefree, exciting, and she knows exactly who she is. There are so many reasons a relationship with her wouldn’t work. So why can’t he stop thinking about her?

A/N: On the first chapter, also, there are images in this fic that you need to be able to see.

4. Text Messages

Bruce sat at home alone looking over his data on a StarkPad. He felt he was close to a breakthrough, but there was just one equation he couldn’t seem to get to work. It was frustrating because literally everything else was lining up except this one thing and he couldn’t see where he was going wrong. It was one of those problems that he was tempted to just ignore, but the last time he’d done that he’d ended up with a rather large green problem he needed to deal with.

Summer had asked him to go to a rave with her tonight. Since she’d agreed to make their relationship official they’d seen each other every day. Sometimes just briefly - she’d text him to see where he was and just show up and kiss him and leave again. When he was in the lab, Tony would start teasing him like a kid in the playground. It somehow made the whole thing even better. Other days they’d just spend the whole day together, often they wouldn’t even get out of bed.

He loved being around her. If he was honest with himself, he loved her. It was scary to admit that - even if it wasn’t out loud - because she was so young and such a free spirit, part of him knew there was no way this could last. She would get sick of him eventually and move on. When that happened, how could he move on too?

Today they had not seen each other at all. It was a little strange but he told himself that he needed to have days where she wasn’t there. He couldn’t just become codependent now. When she’d invited him out tonight, he had actually considered it, but in the end, he’d said no. Raves were not for him. They made him feel like an old man, and with the music and drug use, he felt like a tourist in a place that he didn’t speak the language.

So he had stayed at home. He had work. He might watch a movie and order in some Indian food while he tried not to think about how much older he was than his girlfriend.

His phone buzzed.

Bruce put down his phone and decided to order dinner. Daal, saag paneer, rice, and naan. After he’d placed the order he decided to do a separate one for cookies from Insomnia. For some reason, he felt a strong need for warm cookies right now.

Bruce turned on the TV and started to flick through films on Netflix. He settled on a documentary about climate change. He wasn’t sure if that’s what he really wanted to watch but he couldn’t seem to actually pick.

The cookies arrived followed shortly by the Indian food. He sat at the table and ate, while he half-watched the movie. Tony sent him a text about the project and he went back to working on it using Tony’s new idea.

Bruce choked on some cookie and tried to think of a good answer.

After finishing his meal, Bruce packed up the leftovers and put them in the fridge. He looked around the room for something to keep his attention. It was weird. He’d lived alone for decades and tonight he couldn’t seem to settle. He decided to go and take a shower and hoped that might calm his busy mind.

As the warm water rolled over his body, he started to think about Summer. He thought of the way the light played off her hair. Of the curve of her lips when she smiled. The way her hips swayed when she was dancing. The feel of her skin under his hands. The way she felt, warm and wet when he was deep inside of her.

As he thought about her, he stroked himself. Slowly at first, but it quickly turned into a fast and furious jerk off to bring himself to orgasm as quickly as possible. The Hulk reared his head in the back of his mind, and with a sudden jerk of his hips, he came, spilling over his hand in sticky ropes.

He rinsed himself off and got out. He went and checked his phone while he was still wearing his towel and saw a message from Summer waiting for him.

Bruce felt panic grip him and he had to push back the Hulk as his skin started to tinge green.

There was a long pause where Bruce started getting dressed and his panic set in deeper. He began to worry that getting dressed would be redundant because Hulk was pushing so hard that in the end, it would be him going to pick Summer up.

His phone chimed as he was pulling on his shirt.

He flopped back onto the bed and pulled his buttons back undone. For a while he just lay like that, staring at the ceiling as his heart rate slowed down again.

Eventually, he got back up and changed into his pajamas. He thought he might as well just head to bed and read for a while to calm his mind back down again and bore Hulk back to sleep.

Nothing happened for a while and Bruce began to wonder if she’d forgotten. When a text finally came through from an unknown number. He clicked the video.

It was dark and a little hard to see, but he could make out Summer in her cyberpunk clothing. Her clothes and body paint glowed under the lights. She rocked and swayed and ground into the DJ’s lap in time with the deep bass of the music. The guy kept his hands to himself, but Summer didn't. She wrapped then around his neck and pushed her body right up close to his face.

That was the drugs talking. He liked seeing it though. He stared at the words, debating what to write back. He couldn’t brush the words off the way she could. He was sober and she knew it. He wanted to tell her though. He wanted her to see those words herself.

He watched the video again, this time slowly stroking his cock, just to bring that little sense of urgency to watching his girlfriend gyrate on another man. As it ended he got another text.

He had to google to see what that was even supposed to mean. His first reaction to the explanation made him blush. He wanted to play along though, so he scrolled through the emojis for a while.

Bruce smiled and put his phone down. He read for a while and was about to turn his phone to silent and attempt to actually sleep when his phone buzzed in his hand.

He strummed his fingers on the back of his phone. He had assumed that Summer was still sleeping with other people and that of those people Cass was one of them. He wasn’t really sure why she was asking. But it was strange, being asked made his chest feel tight. He’d agreed to an open relationship and now here he was being faced with what that actually means and he was balking.

He loved her. And more he was addicted to her. If that’s how he felt he had to deal with this jealousy he was feeling. He had to trust her because this was the woman he was falling for.

She didn’t reply after that so he turned his phone to silent. Sleep didn’t come easily to him. He wanted to be okay with Summer doing what she wanted. Faced with the reality of it made his stomach knot. He couldn’t help think about Tony and how he talked about having threesomes with two other women and how much he liked to watch them. The thought of Summer with her head between Cassie’s legs was doing anything but turn him on. Maybe he couldn’t handle being with Summer after all.

He pushed the thoughts aside and tried to think about anything else. His project. His friends. Avenging.

“Doctor Banner, Miss Martin is here to see you,” FRIDAY announced softly.

Bruce sat up. “She is?” He questioned. “Send her up, FRIDAY.”

He went to the door and waited for the elevator to come up. When the doors opened she was in the process of working one of her falls out of her hair. She saw him and her eyes lit up. It made him feel light inside, like a bubble of warm gas had formed in his chest. She dashed to him and launched herself into his arms.

“I decided I wanted to be here with you.” She hummed nuzzled into his neck.

Bruce rested his cheek on the top of her head and breathed her in. She smelled of sweat and alcohol and yet he couldn’t get enough. She ran her hands up under his shirt and hooked her fingers into the waistband of his pajama pants, Her fingers teased just above his cock.

He hummed and his cock twitched. She looked up at him and he leaned down and kissed her. It was wet and greedy and his hands went to her ass and pulled her closer to him. He trailed his lips down her neck and his hand roamed up under the pink and black latex bra she was wearing.

“Bruce,” Summer whimpered. “Is there a rooftop? It’s so warm tonight.”

“Mmm… not exactly, but come with me,” Bruce said taking her hand. He led her to the elevator and when the doors closed, she pushed him back up against the wall. She kissed his neck and began to frantically unbutton his pajama shirt.

He breathed heavily, the risk of the Hulk, with his heart rate up and trapped in an enclosed space was high. Green started to tinge his neck and Summer pulled back. “Hello there big guy,” she purred, slipping her hand into his pants and palmed his cock. Her other hand went to his hair and massaged his scalp. “I really want to meet you, but now’s not the best time. Okay?”

“Summer…” Bruce groaned, leaning into her hand. “Don’t call to him.”

“I’m sorry, Brucie,” she hummed. “I thought it might calm him down.”

The doors opened onto the hanger and Bruce almost fell out of them, breathing deeply. The strange thing was, the Hulk had back off. Summer came up behind him and tentatively put her hand on his back. He turned and pulled her close, lifting her up and spinning her. She squealed with delight and when he put her back down, he led her outside, and onto the landing pad.

“Wow!” Summer gasped, taking his hand and moving to the edge. “We’re so high up.”

The air was warm, with just a hint of humidity, and not a cloud in the dark night sky. Way up here, the wind whipped past them, blowing Summer’s hair into her face and the full moon shined down on them, making Summer’s pale skin glow slightly.

He moved up next to her and she turned and smiled up at him, pulling him down into a deep kiss. He held her tightly against him as his tongue explored her mouth. She was running hot, most likely due to the ecstasy in her system, but she felt good. Bruce trailed his fingers up and down her back, relishing the feel of her.

Summer pulled away from him, dropping her bag on the ground and jumping up on the edge of the barrier that ran around the edge of the landing pad. She pulled her bra off over her head and held it in her hand as she swung her legs. He stood looking at her for a moment. Drinking in her body in the moonlight. She held out her arms and he stalked over to her.

“I love you, Bruce Banner,” she hummed as she wrapped her arms around his neck.

He cupped her breasts and traced his thumbs around her nipples. They hardened as he teased them and she hummed softly. “I love you too, Summer.”

“Do you?” She asked, looking up at him. “I know you probably think I’m saying it because I’m high. I really feel it though. “She took his hand and pressed it over her heart. He could feel it beating quickly under his palm like she’d just been running. “Don’t say it back just because you think it’s what I want to hear.”

He bunched one hand in her hair and pushed his hardening cock against her pussy, rolling his hips. She moaned and leaned back, resting on her hands. She still held her bra clutched in her fist and it fluttered in the wind.

“I do love you. I have never fallen for someone the way I have for you and it scares me. But I do.” He assured her.

They kissed and Summer let go of the wall, sliding her hands up Bruce’s chest. She’d let her bra go and the wind caught it. They broke their kiss and watched as the meager piece of material floated up and then fell down, only to be caught in a slipstream and fly from their view.

“Uh oh,” Summer giggled. “I guess I’ll be borrowing one of your shirts tomorrow.”

“I’m sure it will look better on you,” he said and Summer laughed even harder.

Bruce leaned down and captured one of her nipples into his mouth. He swirled his tongue over it and sucked. Summer moaned and tangled her hands in Bruce’s hair.

He kissed down her chest and over her stomach. He hooked his fingers into her panties and pulled them down to her ankles. She raised her hips as he nosed at her cunt and ran his tongue up her folds.

He lapped wide over her pussy and swirled it over her clit. She gasped and began to move her hips against his face. His fingers joined his tongue and he circled and teased the entrance to her cunt before pushing his middle finger inside. She tightened her walls around him as he pushed down on her g-spot.

“Bruce,” she moaned. “Don’t make me come.”

He looked up at her confused.

“I just …” She gasped suddenly, throwing her head back as he dragged his finger over that sweet spot again. “I wanna wait until you’re inside me.”

Bruce gave a small nod and returned to swirling his tongue over her clit and licking stripes up her pussy. He paid close attention to the way her body responded. As she tensed and her breathing shallowed, he pulled away and stood up. She grabbed him and pulled his mouth to hers, moaning as she greedily explored his mouth.

Bruce dropped his pajama pants and stroked his cock as they kissed. Summer’s hands joined his, teasing along his shaft. She reached down and dug around in her bag without looking and fished out a condom. She pulled back and looked at it.

“Ohh flavored. You know what that means?” She slipped off the wall and tore the packet open. As she sunk to her knees she placed the condom between her lips and pumped his cock in her hand. Using her mouth she rolled the condom in place and began to bob her head up and down, sucking and curling her tongue around his shaft. Her hands cupped his balls and teased down his perineum sending waves of pleasure up his spine. He fisted his hands in her hair and she took him deep into the back of her throat, sucking hard as she pulled away.

“God, Summer. Gonna need to slow down,” he groaned as his cock throbbed in her mouth.

Summer stood and he kissed her briefly, before turning her to face the wall. He pushed her forward so she was leaning on her hands. Slowly, he stroked his hands down her back as he teased his cock against her entrance.

“Please, Bruce,” she mewled, squirming in front of him.

He sunk deep into her cunt with a sigh. Summer moaned and her head fell forward, her hair falling in curtains around her face. He wrapped his arms around her and began to thrust. With each snap of his hips, she squeezed her walls around his cock. He massaged her breast and pinched her nipples as he flicked and rubbed her clit with his other hand.

Summer’s body clenched and she cried out as an orgasm hit. Bruce pulled her up against his body as she came and increased the speed and pressure he was exerting on her body. He ran his tongue up her neck and teased it over her earlobe. Summer had barely come down from her first orgasm when a second hit.

“Fuck! Bruce!” She cried out, digging her fingers into his forearms.

Bruce nuzzled into her neck and came, moaning as he did. He slipped out of her and went to toss the used condom in the trash. When he returned Summer had pulled her panties up and was perched on the barrier again, one leg tucked up against her as she ran her fingers through the fur on her boots. He pulled off his pajama shirt and offered it to her.

“Do you want to go back inside?” He asked as she buttoned it up.

“In a bit,” she hummed. “I just want to feel the city for a bit longer.” She closed her eyes and looked up. “You gotta love this city for its body and not its brain.” She sang.

He wrapped his arms around her. “I’m glad you came over.”

“Mmm…” She hummed. “Me too. I think you might be my home, Bruce.”

It was the drugs talking. He kissed her cheek and held her close. “I’ll happily be that for you, Summer.” He said, and that was the complete truth.

// NEXT

#brucebannerbingo2019 #bruce banner #bruce banner x oc #hulk #hulk fanfic #fanfiction #fanfic #smut #she sets the city on fire #text messages

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kweebtrash · 5 years

Text

Can I Love Like This? (M)

Messy Chapter 6

Pairing(s): OC X Johnny

Genre: College AU, Fuckboy AU, Angst, Smut

Summary: Fuckboys are basically good for one thing. You hit it and quit it- except when his voice draws you in, his body keeps you there, and dumb ass feelings linger making things particularly messy.

Warnings: description/discussions of sexual assaults, beginnings of codependency, light drinking/drug use, unhealthy coping mechanisms, anxiety attack/night terrors, a little bit of a “i can fix/help you attitude”, a little jealousssyyyyyyyyyy

Features: slight daddy kink (daddy/princess), a lot of making out and ass grabbing (because johnny’s a slut), a little bit of grinding, blow jobs, unprotected sex/pulling out, slow fucking/riding, scratching, overstimulation, multiple orgasms, oh and cock warming

Word Count: around 13.5k

A/N: There’s no group chat at the end so I’m sorry! I know a lot of people like them because they’re funny but for some of the serious chapters there won’t be. Towards the end, the songs referenced are Chase Atlantics “Dancer in the Dark” and “Into It”.

Messy Masterlist Buy me a Ko-Fi Other Stories

Johnny's POV

I stood quiet as I was unsure as to why she was crying. It happened so suddenly that I stopped talking, pausing to see if she would gather herself. I had told her what happened after the rave and everything that transpired the past couple of weeks. It was definitely hard to say the whole truth. Jae had only gotten the cliffnotes version; i wasn't exactly comfortable telling him everything even though he was my best friend. For some reason though, with Eri, I felt like I could tell her anything and she wouldn't think less of me. I just didn't expect her to cry.

“I'm so sorry, Johnny.” She managed to squeak through her hiccuped breaths.

I scooted closer to her. “For what?”

“For not being there for you…”

“How could you have been? I pushed you away. I needed some time to myself. Shit got heavy really fast and I stayed roped in this mess. I just felt stupid. I knew i shouldn't have taken the pill but I did. And if i hadn't maybe i would've avoided all this.”

“Dont ever blame yourself, ok? We make mistakes but that doesn't warrant anyone getting ra-”

I grabbed her shoulder, more intensely than i should have but i couldn't bear to hear what she was about to say just yet. “Please don't say that word. Just don't.”

She pursed her lips together and pulled her knees to her chest. I sighed and raised my hand to wipe away the smudge-y black tears staining her cheek. She turned towards my touches, slowly falling into my chest and holding onto me tight. It felt good to be held like this. I didn't realize i was even craving it until now. A warm touch that wasn't full of violence or ill will finally made me feel like I could breathe again. Like my safety net has been casted and I could fall into it without worry. “I don't want this to happen to you again. I want to be there for you.”

“It wouldn't be the first time.” I shrugged simply.

Eri looked at me in surprise and as if another round of tears were about to break through at any moment. “What do you mean? T-this has happened before?”

“Something similar, i guess.” I set my head in the palm of my hand as she pulled away to give me room to breath. “When i was younger i hooked up with an older chick which was a big mistake. I wasn't really experienced at the time so I let her take control. So she asked me to go down on her-this was my first time doing it- and then she kinda...she like held me there. I couldn't really breathe so i started to panic and tried to push her away. She didn't let go. When she finally did I didn't want to do anything after but I guess she convinced me or guilted me into having sex after.”

“Oh my god...that's why you dont-”

I nodded.

Her semi silent tears exploded again and i wanted to shake her. There wasn't any need to cry over me or even take pity upon me. “Eri, stop it. Stop crying.”

“Don't tell me to stop crying! All this shit happened to you and it makes me pissed! Im angry you felt like you couldn't tell anyone. I'm upset at myself for not being there for you. I feel guilty for all those times i asked you to go down on me. And worst of all i want to hurt the bitches that did this to you. Like really hurt them.”

“Don't. I just wanted you to know. I was the one that felt guilty about leaving you on read. I got swallowed up by everything and it was like I wasn't allowed to even be with my friends. I'm thankful that you're worried about me and i'm definitely glad you're here with me now but I don't want to focus on the bad stuff anymore...can we just, maybe, stop talking about it?”

Eri wiped at the tears and nodded. “Yeah, yeah! Shit, of course. I’m sorry. You don’t have to think of it anymore because of me.” She enveloped me in another death grip hug, plastering me to her chest. I wrapped my arms around her waist, setting my head on her shoulder and closing my eyes for just a moment. I could smell her- the mintiness of her shampoo, the florals of her perfume, and the underlying muskiness of our sex. Paired with the heat of her body it was the most comforting thing i had felt all month. I sighed softly, giving her shoulder a quick kiss before pulling away. I kept my hands on her waist and looked up at her. “Do you...will you stay here tonight?”

“Duh.” She smiled. “I'd be totally okay with that.” I reciprocated her smile and pressed a gentle kiss to her lips. She stayed close, adding a few more pecks until i leaned into her harder. Her hands fell to my shoulders, gripping them tightly as mine slipped to her hips. Just as I beckoned for her to part her lips she pulled away, leaving me confused. “Um...is this ok?” She whispered, nibbling on her lip nervously.

“If it was okay in the bathroom, why wouldn’t it be okay now?” I scoffed.

“Because...of everything we just talked about. I didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable. Remember how you did the same for me at the beach? I want to be sure you don’t feel-”

“I don’t feel like shit when I’m with you Eri, trust me. I guess I never told you but...don’t take this the wrong way ok? But like-” I exhaled deeply and dropped my head back onto the seat of the couch. “But when we fuck I don’t feel like anything’s wrong. I don’t feel like I have to be in my head, or wrapped up in shit that’s happened to me, or even like I’m rushing through it just to get off. It feels good.” I could see the hint of redness color her cheeks and it made my palms sweat. I pulled them away from her hips and wiped them furiously on my jeans, failing at trying to be as casual as I could be. I didn’t want it to seem like it was something that would ruin our fuck buddy relationship. I didn’t want that at all.

“I'm glad i can make you feel good. That's all i want, Johnny.” She said softly.

“C'mere.” I sighed, pulling her into my lap. “Promise me you wont worry about me that much?”

“Absolutely not.” She adjusted herself so that she straddled my thighs. “All i'm gonna do is worry about you now. You big dumb ass.” She resumed her gentle kisses and I dove back in to trying to pull more out of her. Anything to get my mind off of this. Too many emotions at once gave me a sick panicky feeling and retreating to sex was my comfort zone of all things, especially with Eri. With all the heavy talk I wanted to go back to burying it deep down inside my brain and my heart, trapped with all the other shit i had been through. I wanted to move on. I wanted to be free. Maybe i should be taking more time to properly heal and process it but i just wasn't capable of doing that. At least not now. Maybe somewhere down the line when i was in my mid thirties and having a crisis in therapy I could address it. But for now I was content with shoving it aside and convincing myself that I was alright. I need that intimate touch with Eri to help me forget and metaphorically wash away the dead feeling my body had from having sex with a destructive force of nature. I let my mind snap back to our kiss just as her lips parted and I could slip my tongue in. I sighed into her mouth, moving past my traumatic thoughts and letting my fingers trail up and down her spine.

Getting lost in her lips was a better addiction than any drug I'd ever done before. The way they felt against mine made me never want to stop kissing her. I didn't need to breathe, i just needed her against me. Her fingers crept into my hair, twirling around a few strands. Just as I kissed at her bottom lip she let out a soft whimper. “It still hurts, jerk.”

I smiled a bit, remembering my handiwork of almost tearing into the tenderness of her lips. A little part of me liked it, making it akin to her knowing that she was mine in that moment. “Oh, now you're gonna complain, princess?”

“D-dont call me that.” She whispered, touching her fingers to her tender lip.

“Why?”

“Because it's...i mean it goes with the whole...um-uh-" She turned her voice down to a whisper. “Daddy thing.”

Shit. I had almost forgotten about that. But how could I? It triggered something in me. Something i never even knew I desired. It made me want to do filthy flithy things and get lost in the way she begged for me. My own cheeks started to heat up just at the thought. “Right...so...uh...is that a thing between us now or?”

“I dont know! I mean it's still...there's like more to it than just the name and I dont think it's gonna be your gig!”

“How do you know that?” I tapped her forehead with mine gently and gave her another kiss. “Maybe I like all the shit you're into.”

“Name one single kink you have.”

“I like the hair pulling.”

“That's like normal people stuff, Johnny.” She practically laughed. “All i'm saying is that there's dynamics, trust, and learning that goes with using that word. It's more complicated than you think.”

“Does it mean i can control you?”

“EXCUSE.” She yelled.

“WHAT!? I'm just asking. I'm curious. Can't i be curious?”

“Well yeah but...i didn't think we'd be having this conversation so suddenly and especially not after everything that's happened.”

“I still like sex, Eri. I still want to have sex. I want to have good sex so that way my body doesn't shut down completely and i'm reminded of what it's like to not have control. Hence, why I asked. Can i have control of you?”

“Well...i mean…” she fidgeted against me and groped at the ends her hair. This was the first time I had ever really seen her so docile. It was a bit strange but i was beginning to like it almost as much as i liked her fiery “take no bullshit” personality. “Not all the time. Only in the bedroom, or bathroom...or i guess bumper cars too.”

“Interesting.” So she was giving me permission. Now what to do with that exactly. I was diving into new territory and while it was a hell of a lot more frightening than it was thrilling, the spark of curiosity was ever growing. Control was something I definitely needed during sex. I wouldn't be able to function without it. I didn't exactly see it as a kink thing, it was more of a me thing and how my mind reacted when I fucked. It was like a defensive mechanism that went off as soon as I was in someone. “Ok. So...another thing.” I started.

“Oh boy.” She took a deep breath and exhaled dramatically. “What else?”

“The choking.”

She scrunched up her body and wiggled in the most uncomfortable way. “Right. Uh...that's a thing I like. Not everyone does and you don't have to do it if you don't want to! And if you're trying to be kinky because of me you really really don't have to. I can have regular sex.”

“I want to try some things. The choking is a bit much but if you're okay with it and if i'm doing it right then maybe i'd be willing to do it again.” I confessed.

She covered her face and dove her head into my chest. “Oh my god. I can't believe we're doing this.”

“Why are you so off put by us doing it but not by Ten or Yuta?”

“Because!” She said, practically muffled by the barriers of our skin. “I never expected this from you! It's a little weird!”

“What's so weird about it?”

“I-you- we...ugh, i don't know! I guess i just…” She didn't look at me when she trailed off in her thoughts. She tugged harder on her hair, pulling a few strands free. I pulled her hands away before it got any worse.

“You're stressed.” I noted.

“It's a lot in one night to process. And i know you want to talk about this stuff between us right now because you want to ignore what happened. I get that, i really do. It feels good to ignore shit but it's a ticking time bomb.”

“I know that. The bomb has exploded a few times but it's all I can do right now. If you dont want to talk about kink stuff or sex or my life then that's fine.”

“Nonononono!” She waved her hand frantically as if to stop me. “I do! I like our talk but i'm...i don't want it to get too messy between us. I take the kink thing seriously. They're different relationships compared to romances or friendships, though they can cross over. So even if mutual friends do it and something happens where there’s disconnect or trust issues than it can be difficult to repair that. On top of that, you and I are-we're really connected. I keep forgiving you, you keep thinking about me. We're fucking stupid.”

“That's for damn sure. I know what I want from you.” I lied. “It's just sex.” Idiot, stop talking right now. “That's all it is, Eri.” Jesus christ, why do you do this to yourself?

It may have been in my imagination but maybe her deep brown eyes showed a hint of hurt in them. She quickly smiled as if would create a clean slate. “Well duh!” She laughed, which seemed a bit forced. “What else would it be! We're just friends. Who fuck. A lot. Just friends.”

I nodded, feeling my heart clench behind my rib cage. My mind was screaming to blurt out that I liked her but the chains that shackled me to my inability to fully trust anyone prevented me from heading in that new direction. “Just friends.”

She returned my nod as if we had just sealed a pact. “Um...so we're friends. Who fuck. And now you want to try being my-” She whispered again like the word was suddenly going to condemn her. “Daddy.”

“I mean…” What the fuck did I even mean? “Yes?”

She flopped into my chest again and i could tell we were on the same level of confusion, exhaustion, and frustration. Eri had been right all along and I should've listened to her. It was too much all at once. “Hey, do you want some clothes to change into so that way you're not all covered in straps and buckles and shit?” I said, trying to flip the conversation entirely.

“Oh!” She seemed grateful for the change of pace. “Yes, please. I'm ready to yeet this damn bra off.”

“What's your costume even supposed to be anyway?” I asked.

“I dont know,” She shrugged. “I just put together anything that looked slutty. Call me like a black cat or something.”

I flicked the metal o-ring on her collar. “Yeah, with your kitty collar.” I meant it as a joke but i could see by the way her she ducked her head and avoided me that she was thinking of something else. “Eri, oh my god.”

“What?! I didn't say anything!”

“You didn't have to, you kinky slut. I didn't mean it like that.” She hit my chest playfully.

“Shut up!” Eri shimmied off me and stood up between my legs. Her thighs were in my face now and i couldn't help but run my hands over them and cup her ass. This was my favorite part about her and i could kiss them for hours if she let me. I felt her tap my forehead. “Now you're being the slut. Come pick something for me to wear. I don't know where your clothes are.”

I patted her ass, beckoning her to move so i could get up myself. She moved back and headed towards my room. I was still slowly getting up from the floor when i heard her gasp. “What happened?!” I panicked and went to her side. I didn't see anything out of the ordinary though. “What's wrong?”

“Who's room is this? It's so clean!” She clutched her chest, over dramatically, and looked around. “There's no starbucks cups! And it smells so nice! Clothes are in the laundry basket! Oh my!”

“Ha ha, very funny. Sometimes cleaning your room during a severe depression episode helps. I just wanted something to help make me feel better.”

I went over to my closet while she poked around still raptured by the fact that she could now see my floor. I pushed through some of my gym shirts and button ups and found a hoodie that i thought might fit her. I pulled it out, waiting to hand it over to her, when i saw her fingers dancing over the keys of my electric keyboard. Her attention turned towards my acoustic guitar after, her head cocking just a bit to the side.

“So i'm not the only one with a music secret?”

“I dont keep it a secret. I make music with the guys all the time. It's just been really hard lately.”

“Mhm…” Eri pressed her lips together, her eyes darting to the left as if she was mulling over something. “So...if you're in journalism are you doing music journalism like I am?”

I shook my head and kind of laughed. I guess school and life shit never came up between us when we were fucking each others brains out. “No, photojournalism actually. I'm getting a minor in music production but I want to do mostly photojournalism.”

“I don't think you can get a degree by taking thirst trap gym pictures for instagram, Johnny boy.” She nudged my shoulder back playfully and i just rolled my eyes at her.

“I don't just take those kinds of pictures. I do other stuff. Better stuff. More meaningful stuff.” I leaned back against my dresser, the hoodie still in hand as i waited for her to start disrobing. She began with the collar, unbuckling it from around her neck and letting it fall against the harness. She turned towards me when she struggled to get to the straps behind her. I set the hoodie between my knees and pried at the metal clusterfuck. She pulled her hair over her shoulders. My eyes instantly went to the tattoos she had across her shoulder blades. I was tracing over the designs in my mind, falling deep in thought and not hearing what she was saying. I trailed up to her neck and could see the faintest dark mark from where my fingers dug into her throat. I swallowed hard. I don't know what had possessed me to give in to what she wanted. Choking wasn't something i had ever wanted to do yet she had somehow seduced me into it like some sort of vinyl clad succubus that had control over me with that little word she mistakenly (or not so mistakenly) uttered.

She looked back at me. “Did you hear me?”

“Huh? What?” I blinked and refocused on getting the straps of the harness loose. “Uh, what did you say?”

She pulled off the harness and took off her bra, sighing in relief. “I said i want to see some of your “meaningful stuff” since you said you're not always taking thirst trap pics and gym selfies.”

“Oh! Uh...i mean sure.” I handed her the hoodie which she slipped on before discarding the rest of her clothes and her boots. She looked much more cozy than before and i found myself preferring this look rather than her glammed up dominatrix gear. The sleeves of my hoodie were too long for her arms, dangling far past her small hands. She swung her arms a bit, wiggling her hips as she watched the excess fabric flop around. I couldn't help but laugh. “What the hell are you doing?”

She wiggled her arms out at me. “I don't know. They're so long on me it makes me think of an octopus.” She shrugged and became a little bit more reserved. “Sorry, i kinda do weird shit all the time.”

“Yeah, you definitely are weird that's for sure.”

“Tell me something I dont know.”

“I used to do this parrot impression for my mom when i was a kid.” I said.

“What in the fuck?” She laughed, covering half of her face with her sleeves as if to hide from second hand embarrassment.

“That's something you don't know but now you do. And i would show it to you but i don't think you deserve to see my great skill.”

“PLEASE, spare me. I don't want to hear you squawk like a parrot for the love of god.” She pawed at me with her hand as she stepped closer and set her head on my chest. I subconsciously wrapped my arm around her shoulders and pulled out my phone. I went to my photography Instagram and held it out for her to see.

“But anyway, parrot impression aside, here's my photography stuff. I mean it's not great or anything but...you know, i like it.”

She pushed the sleeves up her arms until her little hands were free and grabbed my phone, scrolling through my pictures. I felt my heartbeat increase with nervousness. I think i might've been scared to hear what she actually thought of my work; i guess i was putting value on her opinions and possibly wanting to...impress her? I was half prepared to hear that it all sucked but definitely not prepared for what she actually said.

“Johnny, you're so beautiful.”

I whipped my head towards her, stunned completely at those little words that i had never heard coupled together in my entire life. “W-what?” She angled my phone so i could see a self portrait i had done of me during the sunset. I thought it was a weak composition but for her to think that i was actually...beautiful? “It’s just...it's just a self portrait. I was just trying to experiment with lighting and-”

“You're beautiful, idiot. And talented. I love all of these.” She scrolled some more and almost let out a dreamy sigh. “This one...this one is perfect.” The new tile she had expanded was that of my eye filtering through the brightness of the sun and bringing out the kaleidoscope of colors my iris could make. Her cheeks looked a little warmer and i could have sworn she had let out a tiny giggle of pleasure.

“What? It's just my eye.”

“Yeah but your eyes are that perfect shade of brown that can do all sorts of things. I remember at the party right before you kissed me, the kitchen light reflected in them and they turned into a warm honey color and it was...um...nice. Sorry…” Her excitement seemed to die down and she handed my phone back to me. “I kinda made it weird…”

My palms were started to sweat again and i couldn't quite figure out how to respond. No one had ever talked about me or any of my features in that manner. I could say the same about her but currently my throat was turning into a knot. I pulled away from her and tossed my phone on my desk trying to focus on anything else. She padded over to my bed and sat down, keeping her distance and vow of silence. The only thing that interrupted it was the loud growl from her stomach. I couldn’t help but stifle a laugh. “I take it you’re hungry?”

“Well...It may have been like...6 hours since I actually ate at work.”

“Eri. Seriously?”

“Look, I had to start getting ready for the party. It takes me an hour and a half to look like this!” She circled her hand around her face that (though a little messed up now) had makeup caked on that made her look like some alternative Instagram model.

“Oh my god. Ok, can I interest you in a carpet picnic of-” I thought to what I had in my fridge. “A bunch of pizza rolls and french fries, a half bottle of bottom shelf whiskey, and some cigarettes that you entirely loathe but will smoke anyway?”

“Oh Johnny!” She giggled jokingly. “How utterly romantic. You know a way directly to my heart.”

I shrugged. “What can I say, i’m a charmer. I’m gonna put the pizza rolls in.”

“Uh, should I just stay in here?”

I shrugged. “Do whatever you want, babe.” I headed towards the kitchen and grabbed the giant bag of pizza rolls and fries from the freezer. I pulled a mostly clean baking sheet from the oven and dumped the food on it. I tried to remember when I even kept the shitty whiskey. I checked the fridge and thankfully it was way in the back behind some old chinese cartons and milk. I pulled it out and set it on the counter, finding some leftover plastic shot glasses I normally used for parties. Just as i was setting the food in the oven she joined me in the kitchen, hopping onto the counter and opening the whiskey.

She poured out two shots and held it out to me. “You need it.”

“I need to become an alcoholic to deal with all the shit im going through.” I chuckled. We held up the glasses up in a silent toast before tossing them back. She instantly poured us another one.

“Don't become an alcoholic. I'm already the alcoholic in this relationship. You're the delinquent drug user and nymphomaniac.”

“Excuse me. I am not a nympho. I can go without sex.”

“Wanna bet?” She smirked and tossed back another shot.

“No. I know i'd lose.”

“I know, that's why i want to. Since i'll win i can ask you to do a favor for me.”

“Oh no.” I protested already seeing that devilish look in her eye. “I don't trust you.”

“C'mooonnn. Dont be a chicken. I won't make it so bad. Let's see if you can last until tomorrow. I'll make it easy.” She propositioned.

“Fine. I can do until tomorrow.” I drank my shot and set it down on the counter, rubbing my chest at the after burn.

Suddenly, Eri was caressing my face, guiding me towards her for a gentle kiss. “In all seriousness i'm glad you're okay after everything. Physically, i mean. I'm sure you're still working on the mentally.”

“I'll be fine, Eri. One day at a time, yeah?”

She nodded and hummed a little in agreement. My lips hovered over hers for a moment, hesitating before giving in. I wrapped my hand around hers, pulling it away from my face to entwine our fingers together. Our kiss was much more slower than before, so that way she wouldn't complain about me hurting her sore lip. Between our tongues tangling I could hear the soft moan of my name. I pulled away just a bit. “Hmm?”

“I could kiss you for hours.” She confessed, adding a gentle squeeze to my hand. I nodded against her, my breath speeding up as my heart thundered.

“That's for damn sure. You're always driving me crazy with those lips of yours.”

“I could say the same about you.” She sealed her statement with another kiss, driving us into another session unaffected by time and boredom. That was until i smelled the beginnings of something burning.

“Fuck!” I pulled away from her quickly and rushed to grab a pot holder. I opened the oven door and saw that the pizza rolls were getting a bit too brown but I was able to save them before they were little charcoal blocks. I took the whole pan out and set it on top of the stove to let it cool.

“Good job, chef.” Eri chuckled as she poked at me with her foot.

“Well, if I hadn't been distracted then maybe I could've taken them out in time.” I swatted at her foot gently, scrunching away when she continued her playful pokes. “I'm gonna beat your little ass.” I joked.

She jumped down from the counter and over my shoulder I could see her walking towards the couch. “Ooh, spank me, Daddy.” I could tell she was joking but the coy little look on her face told me she was still testing those forbidden awkward waters. I shook my head; this chick was ridiculous and I loved it. I grabbed some plates for us and loaded them up, tucking the bottle of whiskey under my arm as i balanced everything. I set the plates down on the coffee table and plopped down beside her in front of the couch.

“Wanna watch something?” I suggested.

She nodded. “Put a scary movie on or a serial killer documentary. It helps me fall asleep.” She ended her sentence with a yawn.

“You fall asleep to the sound of people getting murdered?”

“Yeah, doesn't everyone?” She laughed. “I’m just used to the sounds and the documentaries are soft spoken. It's nice background sounds.”

“Alright, weirdo.” I complied with her request, searching through my netflix for something she deemed interesting enough. We eventually settled on Friday the 13th and fell into a rhythm of eating, laughing at the terrible acting, and Eri telling me her favorite things about scary movies. It was almost stereotypical but she was absolutely adorable when she got so passionate about describing her favorite type of movie blood, murder weapon, and trope. Occasionally she would feed me a pizza roll or french fry and laugh when it was too hot and burned my tongue. Spending time like this, just hanging out without any craziness, parties, or people around us was amazing. She was becoming more than just a pretty face and a sex god. She was actually showing her personality. It was my turn to say that she was showing her humanity.

When the food was done and whiskey gone i realized that we were cuddled up together in front of the couch. I had gotten a blanket from my room to make sure she was warm enough and changed into some temporary pjs. Her eyelids were getting heavier and she was on the verge of completely passing out. “Eri, baby, you want to go to my bed?”

She perked her head up, sleepily. “No, no. We're watching the movie.”

“It's almost done.”

“Hmm, stay here.” She tugged on my shirt, keeping me close. I sighed and complied, even though my ass was starting to get sore from sitting on the floor all this time. I kissed the top of her head before sinking down so i could rest my head in her lap. It gave my back a break and my tailbone some room to breathe. Her fingers combed through my hair, pushing it back and scratching at my scalp every once in awhile. That in of itself was like a lullaby to me. I felt my eyes getting heavy and heard the soft hums of a song i half recognized. I set her other hand on my stomach, letting her fingers crawl underneath my tank top to rub at the skin there. This was amazing. Everything felt so warm and perfect and I thought I could finally sleep in peace.

But I was fucking wrong.

I don't know how long it took for me to slip into a panic. Flashes of Rixi and my past mistakes were dancing behind my fluttering eyelids and I tried to push them away. My breath was gone. All i could do was let out a harsh rasp as if something was choking the life out of me. My heart felt like it was going to explode any moment. The damn void surrounded me and swallowed me up, replaying my internal screams until i felt my body shake hard.

“Hey, hey! Johnny, baby, look at me. Are you ok?”

My eyes flew open and I shot up, trying to suck in air with heavy gasps. I felt sweat pouring down the sides of my face. I was trembling and couldn't control it. It finally clicked that I was at home and had been for a few hours. Eri was still beside me, complete fear staining her face. Her silhouette was surrounded by the light of the tv in an almost angelic halo. My heart continued to storm throughout my entire system and made my ears thunder. My breath still couldn't catch up with the rest of my body and it was a battle to try and focus on getting a single inhale. I could see her mouth moving but the words weren't registering. I tried clutching at her, screaming for her to help pull me out, but my limbs were dead and it felt like she was still out of my grasp no matter if I tried or not.

“Johnny! Look at me! I need you to focus!” I heard her snap her fingers as she turned my head towards her. Her voice was finally hitting my ear drums and I blinked a few times as I came out of my confused stupor. She set one of my hands over her heart. “Do you feel the way I’m breathing? I need you to do that with me right now.”

I looked down at my hand then back up at her, still unable to speak. Beneath my fingers her heart was beating a little fast but her breaths were much more steady than my own. She inhaled, holding it for a moment before letting it go. “With me Johnny, come on. In and out.” She repeated her steady breaths and I inhaled with her. A sharp pain swam through my chest but I forced myself through it to exhale. In and out, in and out, over and over until the weight lifted off my ribs. God, i wanted to cry. This one was so much worse then the ones i had nights before. It scared me shitless. I pulled away from Eri and tried to stand up. “Hey, take it easy. Relax for a second.” She said, grabbing a hold of my arm to keep me down beside her.

“Let me go.” I said, more sternly than I should have. I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to do or how to calm down. I shook off her grip on me and went to my room, spending my time pacing like a mad man. Eventually she made her way over to the doorway, waiting for me to acknowledge her.

“Johnny…” She said softly. I shook my head, not knowing what for. Did I need space? Did I want space from her? I shook out my hands nervously, continuing my pacing. She took a tentative step towards me and tried reaching out. “Hey, I can help you through this you know.”

“You don’t-” I took another breath. “You don’t know how this feels.” My voice was a shaky mess.

“Hah,” she scoffed. “Good assumption. Trust me. I’ve had panic attacks where I went unconscious and barely remember what happened. I know what it’s like to go through something as serious as this. But you’ve got too much going on in your body right now. If you don’t take a second to stop you are literally going to make things worse.”

“I know how my fuckin’ body reacts, okay?!” I yelled. She nodded solemnly and kept quiet. I was lashing out just because I never wanted anyone to see me have a night terror. I wasn’t ready for that level of vulnerability yet, especially not with my fuck buddy that I thought about constantly and wanted to save me from myself. It was layer after layer of toxic thoughts but I just couldn’t help it. I wanted to kick her out but at the same time I wanted her to stay. I wanted her against me, i wanted her voice to keep guiding me through this. I wanted to be inside her. I wanted to drink. I wanted to smoke. I wanted to be a destructive force and I had to stop. Please, I need it to stop. “I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-”

“I know, I know. Is it okay if I touch you or are you still hypersensitive?”

“Ye-yeah, it’s ok. I was just-”

“Confused, I know.” She stepped closer and grabbed onto me, gently pushing me towards the bed. I sat on the edge, my leg bouncing furiously. She took my face in her hands and guided me to look in her eyes. “I’m right here. I’m staying right here. Do you know what you need?”

“Can you get the weed out my drawer?”

“I don’t think that may be best right now.” She said.

“I literally smoke it for anxiety.”

“Yeah but...no offense- actually kind of full offense- you’re broke. You don’t get good stuff or medicinal quality shit. It’s honestly just a coping mechanism like your regular cigarettes are at this point. If you smoke enough you could probably trip but i feel like it’s going to fuck up your system. We can lay down together instead.”

“No. I’ll just get it myself.” I stood up, still unable to stay in one place for long, but she kept her small frame in front of me in hopes of blocking my every move. “Eri, move.”

“Johnny, please just hear me out-”

“Move!”

She set the sweater sleeves over her face, hiding from me completely. She finally stepped away and I could hear her small sniffles. Guilt was riddling my stomach as I went to my drawer and got out the cigarette case that held all my blunts. I lit one up, taking in a deep exhale and holding it in until it burned. “I hate seeing you like this…” She whispered.

“Yeah, well I fuckin’ hate being like this, but here we are. You can leave if you want to. Nothing’s keeping you here, especially if you don’t like what I’m doing.”

“I don’t...you need someone. I’m okay with being that someone.”

“I don’t need anyone.”

“That’s the problem in the first place Johnny. You’re closing yourself off. You have moments when you let people in but not enough for anyone to truly help you.”

“Maybe I don’t want help.” I lied.

“You do. I know you do. I know I can’t break that wall down in a day but you can trust me to be right here.”

I took another hit and kept my back towards her. We stayed in silence for a bit more while I mulled over her words. I knew what she was doing was exactly what I needed, but my defense mechanism to block out everyone was in overdrive. She was never supposed to see me this weak. No one was. I rested my elbows on top of my dressed and cradled my head in my hands. I could feel a tension headache surmounting in the back of my skull making my head pound. The shaking in my hands continued even as I puffed away. When one was done, I lit another without a moment in between, stuffing my almost full ashtray even more. Soon enough I felt her fingers grace my shoulders. The way she looked at me had me hating myself. “I don’t know what I want Eri.” My voice cracked and I took a smaller hit, trying to push back the tears that were threatening to fall.

She stood on her tiptoes, slowly moving her hands up my chest until they wrapped around my neck. I set the blunt in the ashtray and turned towards her fully setting my hands underneath her ass to pull her against me more. She kissed me then, drawn out and cautious, letting the reminder of smoke i held in flow into her mouth. Her tongue drew mines out, sucking on it deeply as her fingers danced at the nape of my neck. “This isn't good for you either.” She gasped in between the few moments of our lips parting.

“What do you mean?”

“Me.”

“You are. You're good. Too damn good for me.” I pressed my forehead against hers and begged for another kiss. She kept herself at bay, shaking her head as she moved to cup my neck.

“We shouldn't do this. It's not healthy.”

“Coming from someone who drinks and parties her problems away, i don't think either of us are fuckin’ healthy right now.”

“I try not to…” She whimpered and I realized it might have stung more than I intended. “But that's why I said I understand everything. We go through the same shit. We know when things are wrong but-”

“We keep doing them. Every time, i come back to you.”

“Yeah…” Her hand caressed my face now, her eyes flowing up towards mine to reflect every ounce of hurt I felt. “Why is fucking our solution to everything?”

I closed my eyes and grabbed a firm hold of her ass to pull her up around my waist. She wrapped her bare legs around me, squeezing me to the warmth between her thighs. I swallowed hard. “Because, nothing feels better than drowning in someone rather than dealing with pain and heartache.”

“I just want to help. I just want to make you feel better, John…” She buried her face in my neck, gripping onto me like she was going to lose me then and I led her to my bed, laying her down gently. “I don't know how else to do it, Johnny. Tell me.”

“You. Give me you.” I exhaled and pressed myself harder against her, keeping her legs wrapped around me tight. I got lost in her lips again while my hands grabbed and caressed everything I could. Her chest filled up my palm and I kneaded her breast with everlasting attention. Her tiny and barely audible moans coated my tongue as she sucked it into her mouth. My brows furrowed and i ground my hips into her center letting her know that it was exactly what I wanted. Though she looked so perfect in my hoodie I needed it off her. I reluctantly left her breast and slid my hand under the fabric, shoving it towards her shoulders. She wiggled her arms free before pulling me back down to her again. My lips covered her neck this time, flowing over the imprint I had left behind earlier.

Meanwhile, she was exploring the expanse of my back, her hands creeping lower until she grabbed my ass. The thin fabric between wasn't enough to keep her warmth or wetness away from me. If anything it drew me in more, as if i was under a spell and needed to feel how i felt just hours before. My body tensed in anticipation and i could feel myself stirring again with renewed vigor. “Let me take care of you, yeah?” She ran her fingers through my hair again, her voice a sweet invitation to pleasure. I nodded eagerly, ready to feel any and every inch of her skin against mine. She gripped my hair and used the force in her thighs to push me down on the bed, switching our positions so she was on top. I sucked in a breath, biting my lip as I watched every move she made. My hands moved on their own accord, sliding over her thighs and grabbing a hold of the waistband of her panties. I gave her a little tug, making her fall forwards onto my chest. She planted her hand beside my head, steadying herself a bit. “You need to let me do this for you.”

“I'm letting you.” I whispered, truly believing that she was in control but she shook her head at me, snubbing me as a liar.

“No, you're not. Relax, Johnny. Don't you think i know how to treat my man?” My eyes widened at her words and my body stiffened as her lips trailed a fiery path down my throat towards my chest. I was trying to form a response but my brain faded as soon as I felt her nails drag down my ribs and her tongue flash over my nipple. I couldn’t help the curses I whispered or the fact that my hand gripped the back of her head, planting her there. The way her tongue and teeth ran over that sensitive area had me throbbing and arching towards her body. Her nails eased down from my ribs over to my stomach until they reached my pants. She pulled away from me and shuffled herself off the bed to pull them off. I lifted my hips to help her and tossed away my tank top, feeling a bit more free and less suffocated.

“What about those?” I motioned towards the simple black thong she had on. I wanted to see her again, especially as I thrusted inside her.

She shook her head. “Be patient.” She pressed herself onto her knees and spread my thighs a bit wider. I shuffled up more on the bed giving her a bit more room to comfortably stay between my legs and suck me down. My head rested back against my pillow as her lips sealed around my cock, sliding down my shaft and covering my veins in her tongue. She was driving strangled pants out of me already and I couldn't help but dig my hand into her curls again. Her hands rubbed my inner thighs, spreading warmth over them before maneuvering down to cup my balls. Her thumb rolled over each one, adding pressure every so often as her cheeks started to hollow out around as much as she could handle. I licked my lips and tried to keep as quiet as I could but this was bliss.

She popped off my cock and planted kisses to the underside of my shaft. Her mouth went lower and her tongue traced the same pattern her thumbs had across my balls. One after the other she took them into her warm wet heat and I pulled at her hair hard, wanting to fill her mouth entirely. She whimpered, the small timbre making me shudder and ease out her name within a groan. “Fuck...Eri…”

I wasn't even looking down at her but I could feel those dark eyes on me, watching my every breath and tense of my muscles. My hips could only try and press up towards her lips though she denied that satisfaction. She moved even lower, kissing and adding heated kitten licks to the sensitive area behind my balls. My body shot up, my legs tensing completely. She looked up at me innocently enough, her ass poised in the air and lips glistening. “Relax, it feels good. Trust me.”

“What is it?” I swallowed thickly.

She smirked and almost giggled. “Don’t worry.” She set her hand on my chest and pushed me back down onto the mattress while her other fingers danced across that sensitive patch of skin she had discovered. My thighs almost bucked closed but she made sure she could keep them open. She kept her place between them, taking me in her mouth again. The combination of her teasing and deep sucks made me cover my mouth to shield any loud moans from escaping. My other hand left her hair to clutch at the sheets beside me, trembling as I fisted them tight. Her tongue slid over my slit, dipping in and drawing out the bit of pre cum already leaking. I felt a throb straight through my length. It made my toes curl and my back arch a bit. I could feel my orgasm approaching and I didn’t want it to end just yet.

“Eri!”

She jumped up, licking her lips and looking at me wide eyed. “W-what?”

“N-not...um, not yet.”

She smiled and crawled her way up to my face. “Don’t worry, you’ll be inside me when you do.”

“F-fuck…” I shuddered at her words and kissed her hard, letting her wrap her delicate fingers around me and give a few pulls to my already heated and sensitive cock. I set my hand on her ass, grabbing a hold of her stupid panties and tearing at them. “N-need...now.”

She wiggled out of them, kicking them off her ankle before beckoning me on top of her. Her wish was my command and soon enough I was looking down at her as her lip stayed trapped between her teeth and she guided me in. “Slow,” She whispered. “I’m still a bit sore from earlier.”

I nodded and sunk into her heated depths. I loved the way she wrapped around me, suffocated me, letting me go as deep as I could. I set my head beside hers on the pillow, adding small kisses to her shoulder and collar bone. I heard her wince as I started my first thrust, making me stop. “Sssh, daddy’s got you.” Wait, whoa fuck. I pressed my lips together, my body frozen. Shit, i really said that. But Eri didn’t seem at all embarrassed unlike I was. Instead, she wrapped her arms under my own, spreading her fingers across my shoulder blades as she held on. If she wasn’t going to acknowledge it then I would pretend it never happened either.

“Keep going…” She said. “Please…”

This was what she wanted then. She liked what i had said and the fact that I needed her this much. Maybe she needed me as much as I needed her. Maybe we were made for each other. I shook my head and sunk my teeth into her shoulder, her pained whimper filling my ear. I kept my thrusts slow and steady even though i wanted to fuck all these intrusive thoughts away. I didn't have time to think about this. It's just a fuck, Johnny. A fuck you need to put your mind at ease and get back to sleep. It's...it's just a…

My need to tear through her at a fast pace dwindled as i realized how much the gentleness was worth it. I pulled away from her shoulder and looked at her, amazed by how fucking stunning she was. Her full lips were pouted open just enough to let the softest of mewls fill the space between us. Her hair spread across the pillows like a crown of amethyst and her beautifully rich skin glowed with a pink flush. Though her makeup was a mess she still seemed...beautiful. I was thankful her eyes were closed because she wouldn't be able to see the shock on my face. God, my head was swimming and she was devouring me. I was only getting weaker against her and she was everything I wanted.

“It's ok now,” she cooed once she felt my body pause. Her knee slipped from around my waist towards my ribs letting me sink in almost to the hilt. “You can go a little faster.”

“I don't want to hurt you.” I finally said. My voice was trembling.

She shook her head. “It won't now, baby. Trust me. I want to feel you cum.”

“I-inside?”

She buried her face against my shoulder and I could barely make out her whisper. “Just cum, okay?”

I nodded and finally sped up my thrusts getting a bit more relief than when i was going slow and feeling every painstakingly good thing about her. Her sweet little moans were driving me crazy and i kissed her again just to try and keep her quiet. I buried my fingers in her hair, forcing her head to stay close. I was afraid now, more than ever. Sometimes fear was just a reflection of what we truly desired and i was afraid of the love she was giving me. The tenderness, the worry, the support, the protection. It was all I ever wanted and now that I had it i didnt know what to do with it but push it away. The insecure thoughts in my mind reminded me that I wasn't going to be able to escape this feeling. It was solidified when my lips pulled from hers and I could see her head tossed back against the pillows. Her body was arched perfectly against me as if we were molded together. My name was the only thing she could say beside ‘please’ and it brought me closer to finishing. My hand gripped the edge of the mattress and i used the leverage to fuck her harder.

She stretched around me, her nails digging fast tracks into my skin. I knew I was close but I wanted to spend every last moment up until the end inside her. Her muscles were flexing around me making my breath fade into non existence. My body tensed and melted at the same time and i managed to slide away from her warmth. I couldn't help the groan i let out as spurt after spurt painted her inner thighs and heated center. I kept my hold on the mattress so tight I was sure my knuckles were going white. It took a few minutes for me to ground myself and fully relax. I settled my head on her chest, listening to her heartbeat echo in my ears. “You ok?” She whispered.

No. On a lot of levels I was not. Even now that I had worked out some of the anxiety that sent my body into a hyper fit I still wasn't okay. I didn't know how to express that to her exactly especially since part of the reason that I wasn't okay was because i realized all too late that I may feel something deeper for her than I had ever imagined. The sex was supposed to be a cure all but now it just made me want to hide. It was too intimate and real way too fast. Why don't i ever listen to the rational side of my brain?

“Johnny?”

“What?” I grumbled, mad at myself.

She kissed the top of my head and wrapped her hand around mine. “If you can't sleep or don’t want to I’ll stay up with you.”

I sighed and rolled off her, rubbing both my hands across my face. “Nah, it’s chill. Go to sleep. I’ll be fine or whatever.”

“You don’t sound fine.” She said sadly.

“It’s not you, it’s me.”

“Wow, great. As if anything good ever came from that sentence being uttered between two people.”

“I’m serious, my heads just still all fucked up. Thinking about a lot of shit still.”

“I know I could tell...butttt you seemed pretty eager to fuck me again. Especially now that im covered in your cum.”

I couldn't help but laugh a bit. “I'm always eager to fuck you.” I admitted.

“Well duh. I'm great in the sack.” She cuddled against me and placed a kiss on my cheek. I was kicking myself the entire time but there was a bigger voice saying fuck it. Fuck the complicated ass feelings. If you could be happy for one night, one day, then do it. I deserved it. I'm going back to having fun.

“You didn't cum.” I said suddenly with my newfound realization and motivation.

She kissed my neck this time. “Don't care. It was about you, daddy.”

That damn word again. I hadn't even had a chance to relax and I was getting worked up again. “I care. I want you to feel good too. I was being kind of selfish.”

She shook her head. “I'm telling you, you did exactly what I wanted. I wanted you inside me and I wanted you to cum and feel good.”

“Get on top of me.” I commanded.

“Johnny you seriously-”

“Princess, do you think i'm joking? Get on top of me.”

Her cheeks flared up again and her mouth hung open a little. “I...um...o-okay.” She kept her head low as she crawled back over my hips.

“Fuck yourself on me. Now.”

“You sure? I-i mean, you just came so like...you'll be really sensitive and -Ah!!” I cut off her sentence with a slap to her thigh.

“Do it, Eri. I’m over these fucking feelings eating me up and I’ll be damned if it keeps happening and ruining my time with you-with anyone.”

She let out a cute whimper and lifted her hips up a bit. She guided my still mostly hard cock towards her entrance and sunk down slowly. I hissed harshly, squeezing my eyes shut tight as her body completely overwhelmed my sensitivity. I had never felt anything like this before. She hadn’t even started moving and I already felt like I was going to cum again. I tried to steady my breathing that was building rapidly. It almost felt as intense as my anxiety attack but this was one hell of a way for my body to react. I clawed at her hips, leaving my own marks behind as she began working her ass against me. This was exactly what I needed. My mind was a fucked out mess, only being able to concentrate on how good she felt instead of everything else and my body couldn’t keep up.

We were getting lost in each other and it seemed never ending. A rough grind here, a thrust there, our hands never straying away from one another. Her neck disappeared in my palm and she pressed her thumb against my throat testing the waters of my shaking frame. She was practically saying my new found title like a prayer, over and over as if it was going to tether her to some holy plane. I could barely manage any sounds. My voice was nonexistent though I wanted to scream for her. I wanted her to know that i was losing myself and never wanted to resurface. Her thighs quivered then, her tiny fingers clutching at my neck tighter.

Her moans were becoming rougher and more staggered until she finally came like i wanted. She fell forward onto me, burying her face in my chest as small shivers went throughout her system. It was enough to make my body react, reaching another orgasm that shocked the hell out of me. I had never got off more than once in such a short time frame. It was more intense and a bit longer than before and fuck it felt amazing. I didnt know i was even capable of doing that. “H-holy fuck…” i finally managed to say. “Eri, what the fuck did you do to me?”

She was so deep in my chest that her voice was muffled. “I'm guessing you found out that guys can have multiple orgasms without cumming, huh?”

“Oh my god...since when?”

She snorted. “It takes some practice and getting used to but it's possible. They don't teach you that shit in sex ed.”

I pushed my hair back and wiped at the sweat across my forehead. “Jesus…”

“Welcome to my,” her sentence was interrupted with a yawn. “World.”

I kissed her forehead and set my arms around her shoulder as i tried to process everything that happened between us. “Sleep, ok?”

“‘M sticky…” she mumbled.

Right. Fuck. My body felt like a sack of bricks but i parted from her gently and slowly worked my way to the bathroom, grabbing my towel from the back of my door. The apartment was still quiet and the automatic timer on the tv had shut it off leaving everything is darkness. I didn't even know if Jae had come home. I'd have to check my phone to see if he had texted me at some point. I managed to not trip on anything getting to the bathroom sink and wet the towel. Briefly i looked at myself in the mirror. My hair was sticking up in random places, lipstick smeared on my mouth and neck, and my eyes red. I splashed some water on my face and washed away the lipstick before heading back to my room.

Eri was splayed out in bed, her chest rising and falling gently. I realized she had already fallen asleep. I smiled as I took in her soft features and the way her lips pouted ever so slightly. I didn't want to disturb her so i cleaned her up as best as I could, ridding her of my leftover cum. When i was satisfied with my own cleanup i dove back into bed, setting my arm around her waist. I was afraid of falling back asleep but as soon as my head hit the pillow I was out, faded, satiated, and reminiscing on feelings I shouldn't be having.

When I woke up it was already later in the evening. My body was still sore and tired but also starving. My hunger got the best of me and I needed something soon. I rubbed at my eyes, blinking a few times to see that Eri was still being my little spoon. I pressed a kiss between her shoulder blades and sighed contently. I felt...good. Like really good. Like a fog had been lifted from my mind. For the first time in a month i felt like I could breathe easier and was happy to be alive. This was exactly what i needed. I tried sitting up a bit so i could prepare myself to start functioning but I noticed I was trapped inside her.

When the hell did that happen?

I dont remember us fooling around after we passed out, let alone getting hard enough again to stay inside her. Her warmth feel so good, even better when she shifted and backed herself up against me more. A soft sigh fell from her lips and I wondered if I should finish whatever the hell I had started. No. If i did she would keep me in this bed all damn day and I'd never get anything done. Slowly, I parted from her, biting my lip at the heated wetness that coated my cock still. I could grab a quick shower and take care of it then. I left her in bed and went about getting a shower (and jerk off session) in, scrubbing away a day and a half's worth of sweat and sex. I got on a fresh pair of pj pants and popped in my airpods, putting on my spotify list and heading to the kitchen.

There was about a half dozen texts from Jae and the group chat had blown up with about 50 messages, mostly from Yuta. Afterall he was there right in the thick of it and apparently was arguing with T.Y. for kicking Eri out. I didn't want to think about that now and only answered Jae letting him know that I was at the apartment. I worked through the fridge, getting what wasn't spoiled and remotely related to breakfast food out to start cooking. The music hit me as i was beating some eggs and i started dancing and singing along. I was enjoying it way too much and it was the best feeling ever.

In the middle of turning my omelet over I felt hands slide over my hip bones, resting beneath the band of my pajamas pants. Looking over my shoulder i could see Eri pressed into my back nuzzling against my skin. I set my omelet on a plate and popped out an airpod. I turned around and grabbed her waist, keeping her against me. She smiled and wrapped her arms around my neck making us press our forehead together. I was still grooving to the music, making her sway with me as she giggled. “What’s gotten into you this morning-afternoon-thing?”

“Don’t know,” I hummed a bit. “Just don’t feel as shitty right now.”

“Ohh, aren’t those less depression days nice? Makes you not feel like dying as much.”

I nodded and closed my eyes, just liking the way she felt against me. “Oh baby, maybe it's that look in your eyes. They been telling me she wanna leave. She's been dancing with the devil all night. it's like Hell is where she wanna be…” My own little concert was cut short when i felt her hit my chest hard. “Ouch, what the hell?!”

“You never told me you could sing you-you-stupid hot bastard!” She exclaimed.

“Oh...I’m more than just a dick you know.”

“EXCUSE?! You of all people saying that! I should hit you again!”

“Please don’t.”

“Oh, fuck...oh my god. I didn’t mean-”

“I know.” I shrugged. “But I was joking, mostly. Just kinda feeling the song you know? Been listening to it on repeat and I finally feel good about music again.” I said.

“Will you sing for me some more?”

“Only if you’ll sing for me.”

“Well,” She laughed. “If you want me to scream in your face I will most certainly do that. But that’s all you get from me.”

“Oh right, your emo-screamo-twig bands. Serenade me with your lyrics about death and stabbing and going against the man.”

“As long as you serenade me about taking drugs and fucking girls because ‘i’m into it’.”

I leaned back against the counter, smirking a bit. “You listen to them too?”

“I listen to a lot of things.” She stood on her tiptoes and gave me a kiss. “I’m more than just a dick you know.”

I rolled my eyes and chuckled. “You’re fucking weird.” I grabbed her ass that I loved so much and pulled her up for a deeper kiss. She wasted no time sliding my tongue past my teeth and I could taste the fresh mintiness of my mouthwash on her. I slid my hands up my hoodie she had put on again, exposing her ass completely and about ready to fuck her on the counter, food forgotten. That was until i heard a throat clear behind us.

Eri and I separated and adjusted ourselves before turning around to see Quinn standing in the kitchen. “Well sorry to interrupt you guys tongue fucking each other's mouths but now that you're up I can finally give Eri their phone.”

“My-? Fuck, i didn't even notice! Where was it?” Eri said.

“You left it in Taeyong's bathroom. After the kinda fight thing happened and you left, Jae and I were worried about where you and Johnny might have gone off too. I luckily found it when i was trying to call you.” She handed it over to Eri. “We got to and realized that you the apartment around 3 am and realized you guys were here because of all the ‘oh daddy’, ‘daddy, yes! Please!’ getting screamed.”

Eri and I both stood up straighter, our faces crimson and heated. “I-i...i dont know what you're talking about!” Eri tried to lie.

“Don't bother trying to cover it up. You're getting louder, Eri.”

Eri hit Quinn with the fabric of the hoodie sleeve, making Quinn laugh amidst her incessant teasing. I didn't realize that we could be heard fucking. It wasn't something i was really used to with Eri. I could handle people hearing us moan but definitely not her saying...that. I didn't want people to know about that part of us just yet-or even at all. It was way too private. “I'm gonna kill you, Quinn, I swear it!” Eri exclaimed.

“Don't get so touchy! It was kinda hot listening to you guys.”

“You listened?!” I said. “What the hell, Quinn?!”

She just shrugged. “Ya’ll were being loud! Not like I had a choice! Anyway, Eri, Yuta has been blowing up your phone so you should check in with him. And Mama Doyoung wants to talk to you asap.”

“Fuck.” Eri whispered. “Doyoung is gonna kill me. Shit, I have to call him right now.”

“Why would Doyoung kill you?” I asked.

“It’s...nevermind. I may have to go see him.”

“Oh, also, one more thing.” Quinn started. “Jae and I are going to get boba this week.”

“I love boba!” Eri interrupted.

“I know. That’s why you and Johnny are going on a double date with us.”

“Whoa, wait what?!” I couldn’t help that my voice went up a few levels. “I dont- we are not dating or going out on dates!”

“Uh- huh so anyway, if ya’ll aren’t working Wednesday, we’re going then.”

Eri looked at Quinn then at me. “Uh...um...well...it’s not like a date-date, right? Friends get boba all the time. We get boba with Lucas and Yuta! Those aren’t dates.”

“Ok, whatever you wanna say. We’re going on a double date. So like be ready. I’m gonna go back to bed. I’m too tired.” Quinn gave Eri a kiss that lasted a little bit longer than I preferred. “Let me know how it goes with Doyoung, ok?”

Eri sighed and let Quinn leave, watching as she closed to door to Jae’s room before turning to me. “I’m so sorry. Quinn gets weird when they’re cranky and tired, ignore that. We’re not going on a date.”

I stayed quiet for a moment. “Do you always let Quinn kiss you like that?”

“Uh, what? Well, like...for the most part. Why?”

“Hmm.” My hands gripped tighter around the edge of the counter. Was I actually jealous or was Quinn just annoying me as usual? Eri looked up at me as I spaced out in my thoughts.

“Do you...not like that or something?”

“I mean, you can do whatever you want with your life. Go see Doyoung or whatever too.”

“Johnny, are you jealous?” She asked.

“Why would I be? You got shit to do, it’s fine.”

She cupped my face in her hand and made me look at her even though I didn’t want to.

“I’ll come back if I can, ok? Maybe…” She kissed my neck and trailed the kisses up to my ear. “We can sleep with you inside me again? Like this morning?”

I bit my lip, hating how good that sounded. There was no reason for me to feel all kinds of weird jealousy. I knew I fuckin’ had her in the palm of my hand. “Yeah...yeah, babe. Sounds good.”

She gave me a small bite beneath my jaw. I could feel the mark she was leaving behind already surfacing. I winced for a second before nudging my head away. “I’ll try and be quick okay?”

I just nodded and turned back to my omelet, grabbing a fork to stab into it. Eri went back to my room, probably to gather her discarded halloween outfit. I noticed she was keeping my hoodie on with her skirt and thigh highs instead of all the straps and shit she wore. She didn’t say anything about borrowing it or even about asking to keep it and neither did I. When she got to the door she gave me a little wave and before she left I called out to her.

“Hey, Eri?”

“Yeah?”

“I’ll go on that date with you.”

Eri’s Pov

I got home and showered so I didn't completely smell like weed, body spray and sex before I went to go see Doyoung. I was so tired and worn out. I felt like my whole damn uterus was about to fall out and i was all kinds of fucked up over Johnny. He was doing shit to me that I never thought was possible. I set my head against the shower wall and sighed, letting the hot water run over me. The scratches he left behind were a little bit deeper than i thought and stung under the spray. I didn't want Doyoung to see any of the marks I had since i was almost 1000% sure he was going to grill me about Johnny. I sighed as i stepped out and dried myself off. I didn't have time to deep condition my hair so it was about to be on the hot mess express and not be ready for work tomorrow. I tied it up in a bun and went to my room to pull on some fresh clothes. I looked over at Johnny's hoodie that remained discarded on my bed and bit my lip as i pulled it close. I hugged it to my chest and nuzzled the hood, taking in the smell of it. It was just like his flannel that day, warm and musky. The cologne was faded and more so smelled like him. It was perfect. Maybe when I went back to see him I would give him the flannel. After I washed it it started smelling like springtime freshness instead of him.

I pulled the hoodie on, realizing I didn't have that much time to spare. I texted Doyoung that I was on my way and left for my car. When i got to his tiny dorm room he yanked me and almost threw me on his bed. “1. What the hell, you haven't talked to me in forever!” I went to reply but he cut me off. “2. What is going on with you, Eri? I'm hearing all this shit about you and I don't even know what's up from down! 3. Did i or did I not say DONT hook up with Johnny?!”

I sighed and flopped on the bed. “Hello to you too, Doyoung.”

“Eri. Start talking.”

I told him almost everything; the hookup at the party, how we have class together, when we fucked in the bathroom, the racist prick at the beach, the bumper car, how gentle Johnny could be and that he had bad things happen to him that he didn't deserve. I didn't go into specifics about Johnny's assault or anxiety attacks; it wasn't my place to do so and I would never betray his trust like that. “He can be an asshole sometimes but he...he has a lot going on.”

“So that justifies his behaviors?”

“Of course not! I'm just saying...he isn't all bad. You cant judge someone for sleeping around when I do the same and you care about me.”

“I know that Eri.” Doyoung sighed and sat beside me. “I worry about you. I heard about a fight at Taeyongs party?”

“It wasn't a fight, but trust me I was ready to take my gauges out and end her. What happened was that this girl, this….monster, she was-” I licked my lips and took a deep breath. “She was just not a good person and I had to help Johnny get away from her.”

“Get away from her? What do you mean?”

“There's things that I can't talk about. They aren't my place to talk about. He trusted me with these things and-and all you need to know is that I would've probably gone to jail for him.”

“Oh my god Eri…”

“What?”

“You're in love with him.”

I shot up from the bed. “KIM DOYOUNG WHAT THE HELL?”

“It makes sense now. The way you guys acted at the beach, when you, unfortunately, described in detail how you guys hooked up, and now you wanting to protect him? And-” he looked at my phone as a notification came in. “Who is Heart-Heart-Big Dick Daddy-Heart-Heart?”

“What?” I looked down and unlocked my phone. When i opened the message it was a picture of Johnny with the edge of my panties between his teeth. The accompanying message was ‘forgot something?😏’. My entire face lit up and i realized Doyoung had seen it to.

“Ya'll are nasty.” He stated flatly.

“I-! It was Quinn! They took my phone because i left it at the party! His name was Johnny in the contacts before!”

“And your underwear in his mouth is-?”

I stood quiet for a moment. “Ok, we know I make bad decisions, it's not rocket science. However, i am not in love with him. I can't. I won't ever be. You know that I can't.”

“Eri, that was literally almost three years ago. It was a mistake but it doesn't automatically prohibit you from ever being capable of falling in love again.”

“It does, Doyoung because I know that I fucked up and i can never take that back. I can't risk hurting anyone again and have it on my conscious. It already haunts me every day.”

“You need to stop letting it eat at you. What happened with Jungwoo could've happened with anyone.”

“Yeah but I picked the sweetest boy in the entire world to hurt. He didn't deserve it. And i don't deserve to have someone like that in my life again.”

Doyoung sighed. “Stop thinking that way. Making a mistake doesn't make you worthless. Besides you need to face the truth if that’s what's going on now. As much as i don't approve of him, you need to come to terms with the fact that you feel something for him. It's written all over your face.”

“It is not! Please stop saying that! It's not true! It's not!” I could feel my heart clench as my breath stuttered in my lungs. The thought of love sent me into a panic. It made me think of how I ran away from it all. The pain, the doubt, the fear. It was hitting me all at once again and attacking me like some sort of monster. I felt Doyoung wrap his arms around me and set my head on his chest. His chin rested on the top of my head.

“Eri, please. It doesn't have to be this way. You don't have to close yourself shut. You have love for so many people. You have the biggest heart and are always the first to protect us over anything. You have the ability to love wholeheartedly. Why is that so scary?”

“I'm not worth it...and i know you're going to tell me I am but i'm not. Before Jungwoo, my ex in high school who I spent years together with lied to my face about loving me. She said she never did the whole time we were together, Then i get to college, meet Jungwoo and became no better than her.”

“That's not true. You did love him you just…” he sighed. “I don't know how else to make you see that you deserve to be happy. Do you really care about Johnny?”

I sniffled and nodded my head silently.

“And he trusted you to reveal of whatever happened to him. He let you seem him in a state of vulnerability, right?”

I nodded again.

“Well i'm glad he has some fucking semblance of humanity and isn't just a regular fuck boy.” Doyoung kissed the top of my head. “I want you to know that I'll protect you too, ok? If he ever so much as hurts you then he'll be dead. Also if he does care about you then i don't want you to be afraid anymore. You have to face it some day and it may be sooner than you think.”

I buried my face in his chest as the beginning tears started falling. Fuck, if he wasn't right. I was still running away from things that I hadn't been able to get over. If this went any farther with Johnny would I end up hurting him too? He was the last person that deserved any more hurt. I wanted to see him smile more, dance more, sing more, have fun cooking and goofing off. I wanted us to share thousands of kisses and feel the way his heart beat beneath my fingers when I curled up against him. I wanted to be the one to support him and bring that smile to his face. I couldn't cure his depression or anxiety but I wanted to be maybe the tiniest glimmer of hope he had in knowing that he wasn't alone. We were two imperfect asteroids and when we collided sparks flew within our little galaxy and made waves of colors that represented our feelings for one another. What feelings were we even having anyway? Was it all one sided? That was another fear I couldn't face just yet. What if all this time, as i was tearing my wall down to let him in, he never felt anything at all for me. I could still probably be some hook up to him, something meaningless and unworthy as usual.

I couldn't help that I was crying harder and Doyoung didn't question any of it. He let me have my time knowing that this ate me alive and destroyed me. It was my biggest weakness and regret all compiled into one and spread like weeds to anything new I tried to let into my life. Worst of all, in the pit of my heart I knew that he was absolutely right. I was falling in love with Johnny.

#johnny #Johnny Fanfic #JOHNNY SMUT #johnny suh #NCT #nct 127 fanfic #johnny nct #nct 127 fanfiction #nct 127 smut #johnny suh smut #johnny suh fanfiction #johnny seo #johnny seo fanfic #johnny seo smut #johnny seo fanfiction

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greekgeek21 · 4 years

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The Codependency Competition Ch.6

Hey! I'm back! And it's 2 AM, again. I'm starting to really believe that all my best ideas come at this time. It's unhealthy because I can't seem to fall asleep without doing something first, usually publishing a chapter. Anyway, this story is far from over, so stop freaking out. Thank you.

I also just wanted to mention that I am so grateful for all the love I've been receiving for this story. It means more than you guys could ever know. So, thank you.

Also, special thanks to JJ, or nightskywithrainbows, my amazing beta reader who I would be lost without.

Comment, like, and follow! Stay safe and Happy reading!

– your author

ΩΩΩ

"Ok. Let me get this straight: You and Annabeth are dating, and have been for almost two years?!" Jack exclaimed, "I don't believe it. I call BS!"

Percy just sighed and leaned his head farther back, to where he was just looking up at the ceiling. Even after he had explained how Annabeth and him were dating, they still couldn't believe that they actually were. Plus, they had kissed earlier, so why was it so unbelievable?

"Oh my gods, what's so hard to understand about it?" Percy asked, throwing his hands up in the air.

"Well, I mean, why would you even keep it a secret?" Chloe asked in return.

Before he could answer, Annabeth rushed into the room, settling next to her boyfriend, "Because our friend said we were too dependent on each other! We took it as a challenge, ok?! Gods!"

Annabeth huffed and snuggled into Percy's side. It had gotten too hard for her to hear him struggle through convincing his friends, so she had decided to step-in. Well, in actuality, she couldn't physically contain herself. But 'decided' sounds more sane.

While Chloe and Jack were fighting the truth, Mike had kept silent. He was stuck inside his head, thinking over everything he had pushed to the back of his mind since Annabeth had come to school for the first time.

Percy and her exchanging "secretive" glances.

Percy's excitement in the days before her arrival.

Annabeth and Percy's conversation in Greek.

It all made sense. The way that they seemed to be able to communicate without even opening their mouths. They were in love with each other the entire time! How had he not realized it sooner?!

Finally bringing himself back to reality, Mike said in a soft voice, "They're telling the truth."

"What? Mike, you can't be buying into this!" Jack exclaimed.

"Think about it! Look at them! Really look at them!" Mike yelled at his friend, pointing at the young couple, "They love each other!"

Jack and Chloe, exasperated, gazed over at Percy and Annabeth, who had been sitting deathly still during Mike's entire outburst. And true enough, when they REALLY looked at the duo, their eyes widened in realization. Everything they had said was true. Percy had been lying to them for so long...

Weren't they best friends?

"Shit!" Chloe exclaimed, throwing her hand over her mouth.

"Oh, so NOW you believe us!" Percy said.

"Face it, Perce, you have no people skills," Annabeth smirked at her boyfriend.

He just rolled his eyes, "So what are we gonna do now?"

Annabeth started to think about it, but before she could come up with something, Jack spoke up, "We'll keep your secret!"

Annabeth raised her eyebrows in surprise at that. I mean, it could work, but why would they help them? It was obvious that Leo was right–not that she would ever admit that–and she and Percy should just give up, right? Unless...

"Yes! You all keep our secret, and Percy and I don't have to tell Leo that he was ri–right," she said.

Percy was going to protest, but one look at Annabeth silenced him. She looked so desperate. He couldn't make her admit defeat. It just wasn't in her nature. Plus, it wasn't in HIS nature to hurt Annabeth.

"Ok, whatever. But if we get discovered a second time, I'm not trying to salvage it again," Percy told her.

Annabeth smiled and gave him a quick peck on the lips in thanks. Her eyes seemed to almost literally light up at the prospect of a challenge.

Percy and Annabeth spent the next hour explaining their entire relationship to Chloe, Jack, and Mike (minus the godly aspects). It seemed like the trio had a never-ending supply of questions to ask. By the time that Percy had finally found a way to kick them out nicely, Annabeth looked about ready to murder someone.

However, just as they were exiting the apartment, she jumped up, "Don't forget to ignore me at school! Remember, you haven't ever met me!"

Mike mock-saluted her, "Yes, ma'am!"

Then they left. And Percy and Annabeth were alone. Finally.

"I thought they would never leave!" Percy exclaimed, walking back to his girlfriend and putting his arms around her.

"Me, too. And now I'm ready to spend some time with my boyfriend," she agreed.

"Oh? I thought we had some homework to finish?" Percy teased.

Annabeth smiled and leaned in to kiss him, "That can wait."

And they spent the next half-hour making out...

Later, when they were in bed, Percy was stuck awake. He was just staring at the ceiling, unable to escape his thoughts.

Why were they trying so hard to prove that they didn't need each other...when they did?

It was all so confusing. He wanted to make Annabeth happy, but was this really doing that? I mean, he didn't want to assume, but he was pretty sure HE made her happy. Adding fatal flaws into a relationship just makes everything more difficult, that's for sure.

Percy looked over at Annabeth, watching her sleep and playing with her golden locks. She's so beautiful, Percy thought, smiling.

But, of course, something had to ruin the moment.

Annabeth started thrashing around, screaming out at nothing. She was throwing her arms and legs around in a desperate attempt to stop whatever she was seeing. As Percy tried to calm her, he let his guard down and was too distracted to realize that her fist was coming at his face. It was a sloppy punch, but it still stung. It hit him right in the eye, and would surely cause a bruise to form later.

Nonetheless, Percy kept on trying to help her. He was able to straddle her and was trying to hold down her arms. He was forced to use more force than he wanted to, though, because she kept on struggling.

"Percy! No!" Annabeth screamed in agony, tears flowing down her cheeks.

The amount of pain in her voice made tears form in Percy’s eyes, but he still pushed on, "Annabeth, calm down. We got out. We're safe. I'm ok. You're ok. I love you. We got out..."

And he kept muttering in her ear until she eventually opened her eyes, tears still streaming relentlessly.

"Seaweed Brain?" she asked in a tiny voice.

"Yeah, Wise Girl?" he asked, finally releasing her.

He moved to where he was holding her, allowing her to let it all out. She told him everything that had happened in the dream. She was in Tartarus, and she was watching Percy turn Akhlys’ own poison against her, but he didn't listen to her this time. It looked so real...and it felt real, too.

Nothing she could say would make him stop. It was horrible.

"It's ok, Wise Girl. It wasn't real. I love you," Percy whispered in her ear.

"I love you so much, Percy. Thank you for stopping," Annabeth said.

And that's the moment that Percy realized how bad this episode was. Usually, they could pull themselves out of it by grasping that it wasn't real, but this time, she couldn't. It was like when they had first gotten out of 'that place.' This one nightmare had probably set them BOTH back a couple steps.

"I will always stop for you," Percy assured her, "Now try to get some more sleep. I'll be here. Always."

"Always," Annabeth agreed, driving off to a finally peaceful sleep.

ΩΩΩ

Ok, so who had tears in their eyes right now? I know I do! And I'm sorry for doing this, but you know I couldn't make a Percabeth fanfic without having a PTSD episode, right? I just decided that I needed to get it over with. Plus, it helps move the plot along.

Also, I'm sorry if this starts to seem like Literallyobsessed's story a little bit here in the next couple chapters. I just liked that part of the plot a lot, and it was super interesting to read, so I added my own twist to it and put it here.

Anyway, I worked really hard to make this chapter longer than the last couple. It was hard. For some reason, this story's chapters seem to be a lot longer than the actually are...until I check the word count.

Thanks, JJ!

That's it! Comment, like and follow! Stay safe and happy reading!

– your author

chapter 7 :)

#percy jackson #annabeth chase #percy jackon and the olympians #heroes of olympus #high school #teen #percabeth

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rosequartz-queen · 5 years

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Notes on Pink/Rose that we know of:

The youngest of the Diamonds. (White seems to be oldest, potential for Yellow-Blue to be same age (if not one slightly older than the other; I’d pick Yellow for oldest over Blue), then Pink.

It’s hinted at by Blue Diamond in Change Your Mind- while Steven has a dream-flashback of Pink in the tower- that Pink Diamonds antics were making White upset, threatening to take away her Pearl if they kept up.

(So “White” Pearl- aka Pink Pearl- was taken away for this reason? Replaced by this other Pearl- our Pearl- to keep her more in line, perhaps?)

Noteworthy that Pink has ALWAYS cared too much; she saved some animals/creatures from a planet either Blue or Yellow had as a colony. Saved them from death, but also set them loose during the Ball.

Edit: Just watched the flashback dream from Jungle Moon; I think those creatures were from the planet Yellow was conquering in that flashback?!? Geezums, Rebecca Sugar...

Also, Pink was locked away in a tower for her mischief on Homeworld, often subjected to Blue’s powers unintentionally as part of her “crimes.”

Spinel was gifted to her somewhere before Pink Pearl was taken away; Pink Diamond seems to have learned juggling from Spinel and shows off to her Pearl what she learned.

Also, Pink abandoned Spinel around the same time she was gifted her colony, Earth. (Apparently a crisp 6,000 years before the start of the show...if a little less, if we assume it’s a perfect six thousand by the time of the movie.)

Likely done as an attempt on Pink’s part to run away from her problems AND let go of “childish” things in one fell swoop. (Not accounting for how Spinel would feel about this, since it was likely PD assumed nothing of what could happen to her until far later, if at all. Also, we ALL know by now she’s horrible with figuring out emotions that other people deal with; other people’s emotional problems are a mystery to her on a deeper level.)

PD obtains Earth and Pearl, likely as help to get work done. (Could this mean Pink went without a Pearl for a few hundred/thousand years? It’s possible, since it’d be like taking a toy away from a troublesome, disobedient child... Except that “toy” is a living being all their own. The Diamonds are fucked up.)

However... Colonies are actually SUPER boring. Pink realizes this too late, as well as the fact she’s not allowed to make friends with her new, growing court. (Blue and Yellow are looking over her shoulder a LOT; where’s White??)

Cue Pearl helping Pink realize the freedom she could have by disguising herself as a Rose Quartz to hang with the Amethysts. Whoops Number 1.

Rose- in this way- learns about the beauty of Earth. Because her sympathetic butt doesn’t want to hurt the Earth anymore, this starts up a new phase: Pink doesn’t want to continue the colony nor the plans for it. However, Blue nor Yellow won’t have her backing out now.

It’s shown Blue COMPLETELY shuts her down. (Can’t Go Back) Yellow isn’t even looking at Pink... Very likely was yelling at her/getting into a screaming match over the colony. (Yellow very much has a temperament; we’ve seen this before.)

“...too many organics...cities too hard to dismantle...” Sounds like Pink’s been thinking of every excuse in the book to save this planet.

Blue even gave her the idea. If Pink isn’t there to rule...guess it’s nobody’s planet then, is it?

Bismuth likely came up with the Breaking Point around this time, wanting to shatter the Diamonds. Rose, who didn’t want internal fighting nor to be LITERALLY SHATTERED, could only find one solution: attack Bismuth when she argued her literal point, then bubble her, hiding her gem away in Lion’s mane.

(Lion existed around this time, too?!? Rose, what the he-)

Cue the eventual “shattering” of Pink Diamond. (A Single Pale Rose) This allows her to be Rose Quartz full time; no more Pink Diamond.

This registers with her gem as a new form, as well. (Can be seen in Change Your Mind.) However, doesn’t stop her gem from being a full Pink Diamond... Thus, the poofing problem. (And why Pearl got so sacrificial over Rose during this time.)

Cue the Corruption Song. This marks the “end” of the war, but no side wins. Rose and the remaining CGs are stuck on Earth with no way back. Their forces- Homeworld and CG alike- corrupted with no cure. The Diamonds mourning the “death” of Pink Diamond.

It’s unknown if Rose realized what she meant to the Diamonds after this. Either way, it didn’t matter; she couldn’t confess anything, anyways. She wouldn’t want to, either.

Rose gets a shitton of boyfriends and girlfriends and datemates. She seems to love Pearl- on occasion- but also doesn’t take anything seriously, leaving her pining Pearl on the sidelines while she has short-lived (literally) relationships left and right. For thousands of years.

Some time during (or before?) this, the Temple is founded. (Definitely wasn’t during the war, but also in time for Amethyst to have fused with everyone, creating Obsidian, who is the Temple Fusion. Also was before the first Dewey landed in Beach City.)

I also personally HC that Rose’s Fountain was the main hub of Crystal Gem activity during the war. It’d certainly make healing cracked gems easier, if Rose wasn’t around to personally do so.

Greg eventually shows up and turns everything on its head.

Originally treated like all the other humans- a toy-like or pet-like commodity to play with and not take seriously- it’s him pushing her to become...human. To realize what it means to REALLY love and care about someone...and that means equivalent exchange. Give back what you’re given.

This very likely blossoms into a relationship where Greg does a lot of teaching for Rose, helping her be more mindful and kind... However, considering her background at the hand of the Diamonds, it’s incredibly likely she still slipped up and said some insensitive things, on occasion.

Greg confirms to Steven that Rose tried to tell him everything at a later date. (Steven’s Dream) Greg potentially knew Rose had been Pink Diamond? Though it sounds like he either stopped her before she admitted it or heard as much as she wanted to say, stopped her from rambling, and then- more or less- forgot about it. (Judging by how he responds to Steven, however, I’d say she told him, he knows, but he still doesn’t care.)

Meeting baby Sourcream influences Rose to want a child of her own. Immature when meeting the little guy, but now determined and excited to make new life with someone she loves.

Rose is many, thoughtless things, but I still strongly believe in Lion 3: Straight to Video and Storm in the Room; Rose was far more invested in a child who was half her, half Greg....all new. There was no intentions to run from old problems with Steven/Nora, nor have her child have to DEAL with those problems.

She sincerely believed the problems were over with. The Diamonds would never come back to Earth. The war was over, Earth safe. The Crystal Gems weren’t needed, including her...and Spinel was likely forgotten due to everything that had happened.

Her last act of “cruelty” would be to leave the remaining Crystal Gems behind, but it’s also a little unfair to put the blame on Rose. In trying to set everyone free, she accidentally put herself BACK in the role of the idolized leader. Something she’d been trying to run from as PD. Pearl had never gotten past her programming, Garnet was inspired by Rose, and Amethyst...saw Greg as her best friend and Rose as a mom-figure. (So she lost someone that was her world, and blamed him for it due to some emotional immaturity on her part. Not that I can blame her, either...)

Garnet can’t stop this, but can’t ask questions due to an accidental Diamond Command Rose issued. Pearl can do nothing but panic and cry and lash out in blind anger. Amethyst...very likely did her best to face facts and be excited, but the realization she’d be losing Rose hit her just as hard as the rest.

That’s BEFORE mentioning Greg... Poor guy met the love of his life and he has to watch her belly grow, knowing in nine months, he’ll have lost his love, gained a child, and have forever three other gems hovering over and around him. Judging him for a decision Rose made.

(I love Rose/Pink so much, but considering how codependent so many of her friends/followers were, I have to admit... It’s true. She is better off “dead” as she is... Nobody would have reached their full growth if she was still alive. Nothing short of her running away again would’ve changed them and- without meaning to- she kinda did just that by having Steven. She NEEDED to leave for them to find themselves and Steven to show them what they really need.)

(...But also, FUCK, give my son a break?!? JFC, he’s NOT YOUR THERAPIST...!!! #Let Steven Take a Long Nap 2k19 and 2k20.)

On a sidenote from the timeline: Love Like You is from Rose’s POV. It’s been said before, but I need to say it again.

“I always thought I might be bad, now I’m sure that it’s true, cause I think you’re so good, and I’m nothing like you.” ( @ Greg)

“Look at you go; I just adore you, I wish that I knew... What makes you think I’m so special.” (I can see this still being aimed at Greg, but I also imagine Steven a lot with this line; Steven also very much idolized Rose and I feel like she wouldn’t understand why her son would feel like he couldn’t match up or was so great. I truly feel that- later in life- Rose realized her flaws and is rightfully ashamed of them.)

“If I could begin to do something that does right by you, I could do anything, I could even learn how to love like you.” (More things at Greg. He was her biggest motivation...)

Also, this would make an interesting contrast to how Greg viewed Rose in the early years. RE: Destiny and Let Me Drive My Van Into Your Heart.

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tartareus · 4 years

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CAOS MUSES CANON DIVERGENCE; not unlike many here, i too found the third act of sabrina’s adventures a bit…lacking, to say the least. bad writing got me more and throwing character development to the bin made me finally decide that i am not going to accept most of what happened as true - i will, however try to keep the changes to mininal as a say to make canon complying muses’ interactions with mine run smoothly.

for starters: my edward, salem and my della are primarily based on the comics (the chilling adventures of sabrina and sabrina the teenage witch) + my own head canons, therefore do expect their nature to be a bit darker\different than the show presents them. with that in mind…

edward did not die - he was in a circle of hell trapped inside a tree. once lucifer’s power over hell waned, the prision that kept the warlock there started to weaken and, thus, eventually he got out, finally free… only to find himself in…

queen lilith’s hell - yes, i am not going for that idea of lilith not being their queen, more than anyone else she does deserve the title, she worked for it and there is no point to not make all the effort during pt1 and 2 to go without a reward; for that to happen, though, i still accept the plot that sabrina went after nick, but instead of just taking satan back to earth…

edward becomes the morningstar’s host - besides being more than capable of taking him, edward is a known, talented, conjurer, had a somewhat deal or even relationship with empusa (a shape shifting demon), he knows how demons work. he knows what to expect and, other than that, he knows the boy will struggle. he won’t. although his very own existence is kept a secret from sabrina, in a similar fashion of b.ckwood, instead of struggling for dominance, edward will try and strike a bargain with lucifer (unknown to anyone else), if only to be sure that everything goes along with his own secret agenda…

he still helps zelda, though - as he is in hell and is not dead but trapped there, he makes use of some of lucifer’s powers to cross the veil and go for their aid.

della still remains a head witch - that is, still works for the council in rome, but with a slighly different twist. she herself is a hedgewitch. i’ve thought about this, and what it would mean for her character (originally in the sttw comics as sabrina’s mentor and the one that tried to guide her to the path of night, and them also as the queen of sabbath in the tcaos comics) and it seems that it just might fit her character altogether. hedgewitches are, after all, very old, powerful, lone witches who are but a few - which was what i was going for her originally. with that in mind, i have come to an hc that

della has her own very unique abilities - much like gryla, sycorax, and pesta, della possesses her own abilities as her own deal was slightly different. instead of having an aggressive ability like pesta and sycorax, she has a spiritual one - although not too similar from gryla’s ability to gather the spirits of her lads - that is very subtle: she can walk through the veil between the living and the dead, roaming in the in between without the fear of never returning (unless, of course, it is her time). that means that in her astral projections the psychopomps do not acknowledge her presence at all, one of the reasons she was hired by the council.

her age is hard to determinate - she is clearly younger than the members of the council, but way older than the spellmans. to maintain her youth and looks, and not require a powerful glamour that would make her tired and weak if she kept holding for years, della consumes babies, mostly mortal orphans, in order to survive. that ritual is only required after some centuries (if it is a witch baby) or after the lifetime that mortal would’ve had. for that, it is needless to say that…

her relationship with gryla is of mutual hate and disdain - for the two of them are rivals in their quest for younger souls. although gryla herself has no choice but pick orphans, della prefers them because it usually avoids the whole ordeal of stealing a child. imagine how complicated it must’ve gotten when she answered the distress call from the coven in greendale…

although she is part of not coven, per se, della goes to their aid - or rather, is summoned against her own will, but she’s never going to admit that. particularly taking great joy at hunting the pagans, chasing them off greendale in the timeline that was fixed. in the broken timeline (aka the end of the world), not unlike ambrose (however using slightly shadier strategies) she managed to survive and remained hidden, safe in a witch’s cell in the vatican’s necropolis. sadly, she does end up going a little mad, but before she loses it all…

she manages to send ambrose some books that once belonged to the council - in hopes that these unholy scriptures, that had never been to the access of other witches and warlocks other than the scholars of rome, would help, hoping that he would be able to do what she had failed to: figure a way out of this mess.

salem is not a goblin but, in fact, a mortal curse by a witch he scorned centuries ago. cursed to become her familiar, after the witch he was forcibly bound to died during the salem trials the dark lord himself appeared before him, telling him that he would only lift the curse if he sold his soul to him - which he did, however what samuel (his mortal name) failed to realise was that he had not been specific as the date he should be free and, as such, the father of lies told him he would only be free once he had met, served and protected a white haired witch that was and was not daughter of night. it took centuries for him to find her, but when he saw sabrina he knew inside his old bones that it was her.

he has come to terms to his current situation - he used to be a good christian, yes a bit reckless and an asshole with how he treated women, but he changed. it was a hard lesson he had to learn. as he learned to repent, he also learned to understand the nature of witches better. they reacted with what they had. as such, he started to grow fond of sabrina and her family, even her friends (although he does not fancy being treated like an ordinary house pet).

he never liked robin nor lilith (when she was pretending to be ms wardwell), hissing soundly at them as he deemed them a probably threat to his witch.

lucifer granted him a couple of gifts to endure his long life - magical abilities akin to a warlock’s (but never enough to turn himself into human again, at least not for a long while) and speech (although he spent such a long time silent that he wonders if his throat still can produce anything other than a felinesound), as well seven lives. he is currently on the begining of his last life.

in both timelines salem tries to protect the spellmans - in the broken timeline, salem is dead (with satan no longer on the throne to secure his powers, the cat, much like the witches he served, started to weaken), probably trying to find sabrina and failing miserably. in the fixed timeline, he stays with zelda and mambo, refusing to leave her side. as they escaped, salem found that a good way to distract them was by attacking blackwood with the last remnants of his strength, unaware that faustus beared the mark of cain. wounded, he hides behind vinegar tom, trusting that the protective magic surrounding zelda’s old familiar (which she insisted that was still alive, just his vessel dead), would keep them from fiding him. he eventually recovers his strength and rejoins the spellmans, but feels something off, as if there was something wrong with sabrina.

overall, my main pet peeve with this season was how poorly handled some archs were. as much as i love the new order of hecate (which btw sounds very pagan to me but okay), i wish they had kept the church of lilith and, as such i will accept both realities and place them in different timelines, especially for hilda.

i do hc that she still prays for her, away from zelda’s hearing of course, because when she was in the pit (unaware that they were praying for hecate) and in the in between when zelda and edward left, she prayed for her even though she is not the religious type, and came out of it alive. it was only after all that mess that she realised that maybe her prayers were in vain, but she didn’t mind at all.

i also hc that, after her spidey-incident she's been getting a bit uneasy near her own familiars (and they seem to notice that too, being slightly worried for her), she also decides to take a break from her relationship with cee; even though she loves him, and he proposed, she almost killed him ( and may or may not have tried to make him fertilize her eggs , unholy fuck that sentence shall haunt me for some good while) and that starts to make her realise that their relationship might be too dangerous for him, as a mortal. he already faced a witch hunter to protect her and now this? the last thing she wants is to cause him harm.

with mambo being around to look after zelda, hilda just might look for a place of her own, perhaps a little cottage in england as she so desires. it's not that she doesn't want to be part of the coven, or better the order, but even for her, non-religious and almost skeptical, bouncing off from deity to deity is not proving to be a good thing. besides, she's grown quite a backbone (about damn time) and she will no longer endure how she has been treated by her sister - i will elaborate further on the domestic abuse and the ptsd hilda suffers from being killed so many times and the mutual codependency of her relationship with her sister on a separate post, eventually

sometimes hilda puts a few drops of a soothing draught on zelda's food, because apparently if she asks for her sister to take a deep breath or watch her blood pressure it is a reason to receive a dark look. Sl instead of fretting and being pushed away, she just gets it done anyway. it is also comforting for her to know how easily she could kill zelda by putting something lethal on her food. whilst she does entertain herself with these thoughts, she knows she would never be able to kill her ow flesh and blood.

she raised ambrose almost mostly by herself, back when she lived in England. as her first child,she did spoil him rotten. Hilda never really thought of having kids herself, being demiromantic/demisexual she couldn't find it in herself to partake on the coven's festivities and enjoy lupercalia with a random witch or warlock, zelda was the baby crazy one, who had held sabrina almost possessively. she spoiled sabrina as well, perhaps due to Edward's recent death or because she knew how much her murders took their toll on her young niece, but not enough to "ruin" her as zelda always made sure.

although she could easily wear glamours to look more like the rest of her family (tall and slender), hilda learned with time to love herself, being more positive both inside and out.

#m; e. spellman \ hcs #m; della \ hcs #m; s. saberhagen \ hcs #m; h. spellman \ hcs #theres so much shit in this season that i dont even know where to start #its 5 am and i am sleep so dont mind if none of it makes sense ok

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thefragileblackdahlia · 4 years

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Heaven: Part four

Chapter Summary:

Anna recalls her past and Sam and Dean understand why Castiel and Uriel want her dead. Anna recognizes Ariel from 'work' but doesn't remember her as the new and improved angel she is now. Ariel and Dean finally steal a moment for themselves

Character(s): Ariel, Dean, Sam, Ruby, Anna, Castiel, Uriel, Lucifer, Michael

Pairing(s): Eventual Dean x Ariel, Ruby x Sam, (former) Lucifer x Ariel

Warning(s): MAJOR Angst, Little bit of Crack, Angelcest??? Typical SUPERNATURAL Violence, Mild Language

A/N: I've been struggling to write this chapter since I have to write more than 3 characters than what I'm used to. Writing for Sam, Ariel and Dean is easy peasy but Ruby, Anna, Pamela, and the others are very difficult. I am publishing this chapter into two parts since I feel like that would be the easiest and because it's very long.

Also, I have no idea how Angel relationships work. They don't share the same DNA at all but only the same creator so under that, they are somewhat 'related' but not technically. Ariel and Lucifer have a strange, toxic, codependent relationship to begin with because of the bond- so I can expect them to be strange and touchy but with Michael and Ariel, she shuns it.

Please feel free to leave feedback.

Beta'd by Zoe (a friend)

Word count: 3,270+

Sam took a step forward, his eyes wide. He doesn't understand why he's fearful for Ariel's life when a regular hunting knife won't injure her.

The tall hunter outstretched his arms, slowly walking toward Anna. "She saved your life- she isn't with them!"

"You heard them, Anna...lower your blade." Ariel delivered those lines coldly, a dark part inside of her awakening.

At the given moment, Ariel wanted to snap her neck like a twig, and get to the next seal but she couldn't. It wasn't the humane thing to do and inside her head, she fought a constant battle between light and dark.

Anna pressed the rigid blade deeper, breaking Ariel's soft skin. She winced only slightly; Angels still felt pain.

The lesser angel turned her head toward Dean, "Like hell, angels like her don't save lives." Anna tried to get through to him but he just stood there, surprised by Ariel's calm demeanor. "She takes them. She came to take mine- she doesn't help at all!"

Ariel looked at Sam with dead eyes, "Get this lunatic off of me, before I seriously hurt her." A complacent smile to match her dead tone.

Sam finally looked Ariel in the eyes, "Wait- What do you mean she takes them?" But if that were the case why didn't anyone else react that way when they met Ariel? There was a small glint of uncertainty in his eyes, almost like he wanted to believe Anna.

Ariel scrutinized the two hunters, wondering what they were going to do. Were they going to let Ariel explain or kick her out? Inside she felt the suffocating darkness, devouring the good in her, and on the outside, she appeared calm.

Anna lowered the knife, "In Heaven- what do you think she did? Think she sat on a chair all day and watched you guys?" She gave her full attention to the hunters in an attempt to sway them to her side. "She was sort of like a dog. Michael says go fetch...she would fetch. Michael says-"

"Kill..." Pamela cut off Anna, stealing Ariel's attention.

Anna nodded her head, "She kills..." She looked at Ariel before continuing, "I used to report back to her... she was Head of my division. She watched humans for millions of years and then one day..."

Anna turned back to the Winchesters, "She smites an entire city- Children, women, innocent people that didn't deserve to die..."

The archangel's jaw tightened as Anna unraveled her ugly past. Her azure eyes met Dean's, his chartreuse eyes giving the angel a once over before shaking his head.

"People change." Dean murmured.

This earned him an incredulous look from Anna and a small smile from his archangel.

Ariel returned her attention back to the aggressive angel, "I saved your life... I have changed.

"Ariel is not innocent." Anna protested, walking over to Dean who just had a weird look in his eyes. He was ready to accept that she changed rather than lose her. Dean had done some horrible things too, did that mean that he couldn't change?

The worst part for Ariel was Dean, him trying so hard to be loyal, with every instinct telling him otherwise.

Sam shifted on his back foot, "And apparently... neither are you, Anna."

Pamela stood from her chair, "Ariel...why does that sound so familiar?" She turned her head in the boys' general direction. It took her only a moment to piece it together, "Why the hell is the angel that almost killed me- here hanging with you like she's family. I would think you'd kick her ass to the curb once she told you God had work for you."

"Don't talk about my Father like that..." Ariel tilted her head up toward the ceiling, inhaling deeply as she couldn't process what the hell she was feeling. Was this anxiety or panic? Maybe a little bit of both. She felt like she was on the chopping block although they couldn't kill her, she still felt like she might die.

"Why? It's not like he is actually there for you." Anna sneered.

Ariel pushed herself up off of the wall and glared at Anna with contempt in her voice, "He brought me back from the dead just so I can save your insufferable ass," She closed the gap between them, now in her face. "So that's a giant fuck you- to your face."

The archangel snatched the hunting blade from Anna's hand, spinning her around and forcing her against the wall with glowing gold eyes; There was a small hint of red in them. She held the blade against Anna's throat as her back was pressed flat against the iron wall. Ariel had no intention of hurting Anna. She just wanted to scare her into submission.

"Ariel!" Dean bellowed.

Ariel flipped her fiery red hair over her shoulder and let out a low huff, "You all have no idea what the hell it is like- to- to have a connection to Lucifer." She said his name with disgust. "Not just body and mind- but Grace. He's... inside of me. I can feel his...claws hooked deep," Her words fell off near the end.

The archangel subconsciously pressed the rigid blade deeper into Anna's neck, it pricking at her skin, drawing blood. "I was young- Dp you know what happens when you disagree with Lucifer? And you're always meant to be together because your Father likes to experiment?"

Ariel finally lowered the blade, turning to face Dean who had shared the same choleric expression as her. "So, don't paint me as this evil archangel-" She paused, peering over her shoulder at Anna and gripped the blade in her hands. Before she continued, she stabbed the blade right beside Anna's head, sticking it into the iron wall with great force.

"Because I am NOT Him," Ariel growled.

Soon after the outburst, Ariel's heels scuffed against the concrete as she walked past the Winchesters and used her grace to unlock the door. It swung open and she stepped through, furiously strutting over to the steps and leaving the basement.

Only a few seconds passed when the sound of a door slamming shut, echoed throughout the house and startling them all.

Dean flinched at the sound, his eyes still glued to the spot where she jammed the knife into the iron wall. His brain couldn't comprehend what the hell just happened before his eyes. The hunter gulped his jaw and shifted his gaze over to the wayward angel that just attacked his 'girlfriend.'

Everything escalated so quickly.

Anna's voice softened, "I'm sorry... But you can imagine why I was nervous-"

Dean cut her off, trying his best to conceal his frustration. He slightly shook his head in response to her half-assed apology, "Don't," He muttered. "She'll be fine...Just try not to attack her again with a knife."

Sam inhaled deeply and glanced at his brother who was just as unsure as him."Let's uh... go upstairs and see if there's anything in Bobby's books." He murmured as he motioned to the stairs,

Anna nodded at this, reluctantly going upstairs with a terrified Ruby.

Sam sighed, "What do we do?" He looked to Dean for help

The short-haired hunter ran his hand over his face. "Not sure." Dean's response was short, but he wore a stoic expression as he was deep in thought.

Today was going to be a long day.

Sam took a deep breath before giving a curt nod and starting for the door. Once he reached the devil's trap he glanced over his shoulder with a wary expression, "Do you believe her? I mean- about Ariel..."

This question earned a soft grunt from Dean, while his eyes were still fixed on the hunting knife. His brows snapped together as he heard a loud "Dean" from Pamela. The jaded hunter turned his body toward the blind psychic and held out his arm for her to latch onto.

"Sorry," Dean whispered.

Pamela held onto Dean for guidance as they left the panic room and headed toward the stairs. She furrowed her brows as Ariel's words echoed in her mind, 'He brought me back from the dead' If she was brought back from death a month later, would she still be the same?

Dean kept his eyes straight ahead as he traveled up the stairs with Pamela. A burning sensation filled his ears, almost like there was something that needed to be said but what? He decided he should now thank Pamela for her help before anything else transpired and he never gets the chance to.

"Thanks-" "Dean-" They spoke simultaneously.

A small smile crept onto Dean's lips at the scenario, "You first." He stated as he helped her up to the top step, watching her turn around to face him.

Pamela took a short breath before placing a light hand on his forearm, "There is darkness there... I felt it." Her comment prompted Dean to push her hand away and attempt to walk past her but she took a step in front of him.

"You have to consider... is Ariel really on your side?" She murmured.

Dean's eyes shot up to her black sunglasses, glowering at her with a clenched jaw. "Sam's waiting." He stepped around the psychic and walked into the library where he was met with Sam, Anna, and Ruby; Pamela close in tow.

BOBBY'S LIBRARY - DAY

For the time Dean and Pamela had been in the basement, Anna had been upstairs apologizing to Sam for freaking out.

Anna paced the room, her arms folded over her breasts as she pondered who might have come after her. "Don't be afraid... I'm not like Ariel or the others," She spoke with uncertainty heavy in her voice.

"I don't find that very reassuring..." Ruby argued with her arms crossed as she leaned against the doorway. She remained outside of the library and near the entrance because of the Devil's trap above their heads.

The cherry red-haired woman stopped in her tracks and glanced up at the Winchesters. "So...Castiel, Uriel-- they're the ones that came for me? Not the archangel?"

Dean's reply was abrasive, "No, she doesn't want to kill you. If her bashing in that prick's head isn't proof enough then I don't know what is." He perched himself against the desk, hoping Ariel didn't think he believed she was like Lucifer.

Sam inhaled sharply at the memory of the small redhead using all her strength to punch Uriel in the face. A faint smile tugged at the corner of his lips as he thought of her habit of not holding back, it was scary but also reassuring.

"So, you know them?" The giant asked, his eyes following the fallen angel.

Anna reluctantly nodded her head, "We were kinda in the same foxhole..." She fiddled with the zipper on her jacket as she stopped to think of what to say next. She sighed, "Before humans- before you all... I used to report to Ariel."

"So, if Ariel was your boss... What about Castiel and Uriel?" Dean queried, tapping his fingers on the wood.

Anna smiled faintly at the assumption that those two held rank over her. "Try the other way around...Though I'm sure after my fall, someone put Castiel in charge."

"But now they want to kill you?" Pamela's voice came from behind the angel, drawing attention from Anna to her. She stood leaning against the other side of the door frame but decided it was best to sit down.

Being the gentleman he was, Sam stepped forward to help Pamela into the nearest chair.

Anna let out a small sigh and began pacing the room again, "Orders are orders. I'm sure I have a death sentence on my head."

A small 'Why?' came from Pamela which prompted Anna to stop in her tracks and turn to the group, "I disobeyed..." She started. "Which, for us, is about the worst thing you can do... I fell."

"So like... Ariel?" Sam questioned.

Anna inhaled deeply, "No, that's different-"

"How is it different?" Dean cut Anna off.

"Anna fell to earth... became human." Ariel's sudden voice caused everyone to flinch and turn in her direction, she was walking into the kitchen with a bag of what they assumed to be food.

Food always dissolved tension. Right?

Anna tensed up at her sudden presence while all the others relaxed; There was an obvious shift in the atmosphere. The fallen angel slowly turned to face her former superior officer, her hazel eyes darting between Ariel's eyes and the food.

"You can relax. I'm going to murder you with Biggerson's." Ariel joked as she began taking the fast food out of the paper bags and placing it on the dining table.

Dean watched Ariel, searching her for any hint of sadness from earlier but she looked unbothered. At least on the outside. But Dean knew she was hurting inside.

Sam pursed his lips, "I'm not understanding, If you can become human- why can't she?" He pointed to the copper-haired archangel that stepped past the fallen lesser angel and over to where he was standing. It was odd to have her stand next to him and not next to Dean. Was she mad at Dean, or ashamed to be near him?

Ariel perched herself on the desk, leaning close to Sam, knowing he could relate to maybe how she was feeling with the darkness brewing inside her.

"It's different for archangels- ours refills over a long period of time... but regular angels- lesser angels, their grace doesn't. And removing your grace... it's painful," Ariel informed them.

Anna reluctantly nodded her head in agreement, "Try cutting your kidney out with a butter knife. That kind of hurt." She let out a heavy sigh. "I ripped out my grace."

The righteous man's brows snapped together at that statement, "Come again?"

The troubled archangel drew her lower lip between her lip and shifted onto her less dominant foot. "I told you....grace- it's pure energy. It's what let us use our magic," Ariel explained.

"Right... So, I hacked it out and fell. And my mother, Amy, couldn't get pregnant. Always called me her little miracle," Anna glanced over at Dean with a faint smile.

Ariel caught this.

"And the longer she stayed Human... she forgot she was an angel," Ariel added with a curt nod.

Dean raised a brow at Ariel's response. He had to be honest, he wasn't listening. When Ariel entered, his attention went to her wings that were draped around her and Sam. Maybe she didn't mean it or she just propped them up behind her- but it bothered Dean. And she didn't look at him once since she had returned and now he felt like maybe there was something wrong between them. He was pulled out of his thoughts when Ruby broke the silence.

"We're screwed," Ruby huffed. She pushed herself up from the frame and shook her head, "Ariel has little to no grace, Anna has NO grace- I don't think you all appreciate how completely screwed we are."

"Ruby's right." Anna paced the room once again before stopping and recommencing, "Heaven wants me dead- and if Ariel has no grace- She can't fight off angels and demons. Maybe one side- but even then..." The fallen angel let out a frustrated sigh and looked to Ariel for guidance, it was a force of habit.

Ariel's eyes were fixed on the carpet as she thought over how the scenario would go, "The only solution would be, to find your grace." She pushed herself up from the desk and walked around the side. "Ruby is basically human besides a few magic tricks and strength,"

The archangel unfolded the map of the USA and stretched it out over the desk as she resumed speaking, "Anna is human and I can't even smite a fly... So we need her to get her grace back, whether it be for her- that is... if she chooses to stay human."

"So, what, one of you just takes some divine bong hit, and, shazam, and you become Roma Downey?" Dean pointed between the two redheads and each of them nodded but one responded verbally.

"Something like that," Anna replied.

Dean straightened and turned around to face his angel that still hadn't made eye contact with him. He opted to ignore her silent treatment and clasped his hands together, "Alright, Red, I like your plan. So where's this grace of hers?"

Ariel shook her head and kept her eyes locked on the map, "Hard to say," She lied. "After I had the job change, I never paid Anna any mind. She fell sometime around the 20th century...because then- I remember speaking with Castiel. He was... heartbroken to say the least."

Sam smiled faintly at her response, "How old are you?" He knew she danced around the topic of age, he wasn't sure why. It wasn't as if they would be repulsed by the fact she is billions of years old. If anything Sam would probably ask a ton of questions.

A quaint smile danced across her lips, "Like I've told you before, I've been alive since creation- not before..." Ariel gazed at Sam with sweet eyes, "But you already knew that- You're just calling me old." She laughed, keeping her eyes on Sam until her smile faltered when she remembered how serious things were at the moment.

"Anyways," She cleared her throat and focused on the map. "We should be able to figure it out depending on where she fell...so?"

Dean watched this exchange with jealous eyes. He remembered that day... Ariel went off with Sam for two days and they came back acting weird as if something happened between them. Sam would always say 'Ask Ariel' and she would just say 'Ask Sam.'

It was an annoying paradox that would have never ended if he hadn't stopped prying.

Glowering at his brother and not even bothering to listen to the plan, Dean was startled when Sam said his name.

"Dean..."

"What?" Dean snapped.

"I asked if you can take Pamela home while Ariel and I figure out where her grace landed," Sam huffed at his brother's obliviousness wondering what the hell had Dean so caught up in his head. Little did he know, it was him.

"Yeah, sure..." Dean toned down his envy and dug through his jean pockets for the impala keys. Once he found them he pivoted on his heel and held out a hand for Pam to take.

Ariel kept her eyes on the map as she sifted through her deepest memories, trying to remember where her grace landed. She was on earth at the time, right? Yes. The guardian's brows snapped together as she could distinctly remember the screaming. God, the screaming.

How could she have done these terrible things?

Was that what God wanted?

'Did you change your mind?' An incorporeal voice reverberated through Ariel's skull causing her to flinch.

Ruby eyed her, "You alright?" She questioned Ariel who seemed a bit skittish.

Ariel parted her lips, taking in a short breath. She went too deep into her memories and came across horrors and regrets.

It all overwhelmed her.

"No," She murmured.

"What's wrong?" Sam straightened as he gazed at the agonized angel. He could tell it had something to do with Lucifer from how she flinched. He now wondered if Lucifer was speaking to her from the cage.

That couldn't be possible, right? Maybe it was just a flashback.

Anna stared at her former boss with furrowed brows."Maybe just go outside- get some fresh air," She murmured.

FINAL PART

SERIES MASTERLIST

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