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fridayasteroid · 2 years

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NIKI - AUTUMN

Niki's new album is out! Actually, its been a while since it was out but I only just had the time to write about it now.

She said that this album was her true voice, Nicole Zevanya's voice, and I gotta admit that its true. The album is full of slow indie ballad pop songs back from her YouTube days, that I once really loved to the point when she changed her genre I was so disappointed.

So, when this album came out I was so excited and I literally cried in happiness that I could hear the lost songs again (cuz she deleted her YouTube account). This album, from my point of view, is filled with the story of a toxic relationship. So at some point it really hurts so bad listening to the album.

About Autumn

This is one of the songs that she had on her YouTube days. You could say that all her songs from YouTube has gone through improvements from Niki's point of view, but personally I think that most of them are much better in the original form. Autumn in the other hand, was actually much better in the new version.

Title

This song has no words about Autumn or contains the word Autumn in it. I really love when artists do this, the title itself is a metaphor, but can portray what the song's truly about. Its full of overthinking thoughts, anger, heartache, and sadness that there's no straight forward words that could cover what she's experiencing, it has to be a metaphor.

From what I feel and understand by hearing this song, I think I could understand a bit as to why she specifically picked "Autumn" for the title.

"Autumn" is the season after spring and summer, also before winter. Spring for many people brings joy and happiness, fruits are ripe and flowers bloom. Summer all the same, it brings closeness to people, most people like to hang out and do things outdoors together. Whereas winter, is where people feel cold and sometimes depressed, there's no sunlight that could give warmth to people.

From that, we could say that she's trying to portray that her relationship is none of the above but closer to winter, autumn. The coldness hanged in the air, its still beautiful in a way but everything's starting to die.

The melody

I gotta say the new version could really portray all those feelings melodically. Its kind of up beat with its drums (I don't know what its called), giving that sense of anger but hurt, but her way of singing it in slow rhythm and with a soft voice portrays her love, disappointment and sadness.

In the old version of Autumn, the rhythm was off, and it couldn't fully portray all the feelings.

Not that I'm an expert on music, just from a perspective of a listener.

My Interpretation of The Lyrics

I carved my name into your ribcage We talked of lands away from this cage You said, don’t fret love, someday ill be my own man I'll be free Oohhh Oh but darling did you mean Darling, did you mean free from me?

I don't know about you, but man, these are very well written lyrics.

"I carved my name into your ribcage," metaphorically, ribcage means the heart of romance, a nest that we are familiar with, but its metaphor has another meaning, a cage of love that we need to escape from (that has a continuity in the next line.)

Another meaning could be that she 'enforces' herself to say that the mans ribcage is hers. Since if we look at Adam and Eves story, Eve was made from Adam's ribcage.

The next line is a bit tricky, I'm still a bit confused and might be very wrong in my interpretation. "We talked about lands away from this cage," when experiencing young love, we tend to want to break free from the bonds that kept us from being together, family, money, etc. People with young love really likes to fantasize the future together, their in the heart of romance after all.

The next line tells us what the man said to her. he's giving him assurance of the future that they'll be together when he's a 'free' man, meaning able to make money for himself and be the leader of his own family so he could do whatever he wants.

But after that, we could see that this relationship isn't what it seems, its kind of toxic. Its like they know that there's something wrong with the relationship that he implicitly talks to her in a way so that the she understands the true meaning, and its like their enemies in a sense, he 'hits' her, and she 'caught' him 'hitting.' That's why she has doubts with him.

In this scene, she caught up with his implicit words, that he wants to be free from this relationship and far away from her.

You promised home The kind I've never known Oh oh-oh But here we are Skin and flesh and beating hearts and I'm wondering what the hell I'm doing wrong

These lyrics follows the interpretation before, in a relationship we always seek home in it. But that's where it gets interesting. A relationship is supposed to be a home, but seeing as though they both can't feel that it is, means that their relationship isn't healthy. But they're too 'comfortable' with each other to admit that, so they dreamt of a home with a sense that they'll get it after all the hurdles and bonds they'd have to face, or specifically he feels that way, whereas she feels that this is a home for her.

In the 4th and 5th line, solidify that the relationship is filled with 'battles' to beat hearts and maybe physically too(?)

"I'm wondering what the hell I'm doing wrong" makes it more clear that she is the one that wants to fight for the relationship.

You said Let's make ourselves our very own brigade This love our shield, our blade Oh but darling do you see The cuts from which I bleed? It’s me you’ve slain

He continues with the promises to reassure her doubts of him, that one day they'll make their own family, and protect it with our love. Protecting can mean to shield off enemies but also slay the enemies, having the terms 'shield' and 'blade' tells us how Niki really thought of this.

Enemies here is like what I said previously, the bonds, whether its family, age, money, etc. Its like the whole world is against their relationship when he says it like this.

In the line, "the cuts from which I bleed?" tells us whats going inside her mind, what she wanted to say but can't (since theres no words of 'said' like how Niki put it with him). She feels that the love he gives actually hurts her deeply or in fact tortured her, to the point where she wanted to die, slain means to violently kill.

I didn’t obliterate these walls for you to come and raid my home And here you are right next to me Ironically, I've never felt more alone

Here she's at the point of anger and disappointment and maybe sadness. Everyone has a weak side that they keep inside themselves, and because technically we are our own home, we all try to protect it. A home is a place where you are safe. Here she says that she allowed him to go inside by putting down the protection.

But not only did she feel that he attacked her weakness, she also felt that he couldn't support or complete her weakness, so with that expectation not met, she felt more alone than when she was alone (not with him).

I fell for you Faster than I fell apart And I guess I'm the one to blame For letting myself fall too hard I ripped my heart out and put it in your hands In hope that we’d put up a fight Mmmmm How paradoxical, since now all I can think about is When will we stop trying Ehhhhh

I think its the nature of human beings, saying goodbye is always harder, change is always harder especially when their painful. But here, its like she's saying it in a regretful way. That she really regretted for having to fall in love with him.

Her expectations for him to protect her heart and fight for the relationship isn't given to her. The fact that she wants this relationship to work but seeing how it comes to this, she wants it to end, and that continuing his way of 'fighting' is a torture to her. Maybe gaslighting, empty promises, and such.

Ohhhh oohhhh How do we stay afloat When do I let go-oh-oh?

But here, in a sense, its like she still loves him, even though the relationship is dying or drowning, she still wants to make it work. Or it could be that 'afloat' means alive, figuratively since this relationship is killing them. This is supported by "when do I let go" as to her knowing she has to let go or it could mean that she doesn't want to let go yet so she asks that question to herself.

Either way, its still unclear to what she wants. I think that's the point of a toxic relationship, we experience so many positive and negative emotions and actions that we don't know what we want anymore. Here, I feel that she's kind of sad to the situation that she's in.

All you do is blindside me, its hard to be brave But when the night cut into the day It's your love I crave I must’ve thanked my lucky stars too much They left me sitting in too much dust Mmmmmmm You know all my dreams You were one, so it seemed And I love you but with you It's heartache I breathe You showed me your heart but You never let me have the key Ohhhhh

"All you do is blindside me, its hard to be brave" really explains the situation of gaslighting very well. When faced with gaslighting, the victim is taken aback, either don't know when they'll be 'attacked' or they don't know how to respond to that because of how it makes them feel or how their answer could hurt them. So because of this, a person who is being gaslighted won't have the courage to fight for themselves. Here, I could really feel that she's so hurt and angry.

The next line supports the interpretation that she's being gaslighted. The feeling of still wanting him moreover when its at night when people tend to overthink. Here, conversely, I feel like she's more angry at herself for still loving him.

The next lines are hard to interpret, I dunno. I think she feels that this is a consequence of being too happy, "thanked my lucky stars too much," that in a sense comes a bigger sadness and pain because of it. I dunno, but the image I'm getting is that because she thanked the stars so much, they shook themselves and gave her loads of stardust, it seems beautiful at first but dust is just dust, and she got buried in them.

The next line about dreams. I feel like she's sad, angry and pitying the situation of him not having any empathy of her dreams especially the ones about/with him.

"And I love you, but with you, its heartache I breathe." man this is deep. The way she sang it... You could feel that she's so hurt, man I can't find the right words, its like she's being gentle but it has so much depth of hurt and sadness. It really portrays that staying with him is a torture, but she loves him, and its a pity that it is torture.

"You showed me your heart, but you never let me have the key." At some point, these type of toxic people just wants someone that depends on them so they never really open up and they give false assurance. He never really wanted to be with her but wants her to stay and be dependent, so he never gave her his weakness and does gaslighting.

Oh, my love Is this the end for us? Maybe we’ve had enough

I feel like we could tell from these last lyrics that the relationship isn't over yet. She's in the phase of giving up or the relationship is in the phase of burning down. But from her asking "is this the end for us?" is like saying that she still have a glimpse of hope for the relationship, because maybe is still a maybe.

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