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s-brant · 3 years

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Cherry Bowl (3/8)

(gif: @kiekiecarrera) (PART TWO) (PART FOUR) (SERIES MASTERLIST)

Summary: When Kie cancels their plans together, Y/N asks JJ on a date to the Cherry Bowl Drive-In. Unsure of how to navigate his first ever date, JJ seeks out advice. Unfortunately, the night doesn’t go as planned, and both parties are left shaken by miscommunication.

Word Count: 10.6k

Warnings: Smut, public sex/exhibitionism, sexual choking, angst, depictions of mental illness, post-traumatic stress disorder, and implied/referenced abuse.

A/N: Welcome back to Tokens! Slight trouble in paradise is brewing for these two lovers, so buckle up and read because it’s gonna be a rollercoster for a little while after what happens in this chapter. I hope you all like it, and if you did, feedback is very appreciated. Have fun!

"I'm just saying that oatmeal raisin is superior to chocolate chip, why is that such an egregious crime, Kie?"

The lunch room is filled to the brim with students going to town on questionably cooked frozen foods, soggy tater tots, and sugary drinks from the vending machines despite the Obama-era posters on the walls advocating for healthier school lunches that never seemed to make their way to Kildare County High. The extent of their healthy lunches extended to a serving of overcooked canned green beans served with the worst slice of doughy pizza known to human kind, so it was sort of contradictory.

Y/N sits across the table from Pope and JJ, the latter of which being the one who launched into a full-fledged debate with Kiara about which type of cookie was better.

The clear cling wrap sits, unfolded, on the table with one of her stickers neatly placed on the back of it. As consolation for his epic loss yesterday at the beach, she paid an extra .75 cents to get him it when she arrived first to their shared lunch period—one of only two class periods they have together, the other being gym. He was still in line when she peeled a surfboard sticker off of her sheet and placed it at the center of the wrapped up cookie as if to remind him of her triumph over him in the waves.

"Thanks, hot stuff," he said, voice somewhat quieter despite the fact that hardly anyone was in the cafeteria with them. Then his smile dropped into an deadpan expression as soon as he saw her choice of sticker and looked back up at her. "You're never gonna let me live that one down, are you?"

"Never in a million years. I'll be gloating about it until I'm elderly."

"That's my girl."

The sound of the constant chatter surrounding them from at least two hundred other people drowns out the memories of yesterday that threaten to haunt her when she watches him debate with Kie. The mere recollection of their night in the back of the van has her reaching to pull the collar of her cropped tee up to assure that the hickeys remain hidden on instinct, and he catches the action out of the corner of his eye. It has him fighting a smile.

Kie quips, "Maybe on another planet, but, here, I think we can all agree chocolate chip is better, right Y/N?"

Y/N's eyes widen around a forkful of mushy "green beans" at the sound of her name being said bringing her from the depths of her memories.

Usually, she's quick to jump in and give her two cents on whatever stupid back and forth they're all having, but her mind was elsewhere. Unbeknownst to Kie and Pope, she was mentally reliving every second of getting fucked in the van last night, so her attention to detail when it comes to the Chocolate Chip vs Oatmeal Raisin case isn't all too sharp.

"Uhhh," she stops for a second, looking at the half eaten chocolate chip cookie in Kie's hand, "If I say chocolate chip is better, can I get a piece of it?"

Kie's face lights up at her words, and she's already pulling off a generous chunk of the baked good to hand off to her. The sound of a certain someone whose lap Y/N's legs are outstretched onto from beneath the table scoffing distracts her from the first bite.

"I know you prefer oatmeal raisin, you traitor," JJ says.

Their brunette friend's brows scrunch.

"Why is she a traitor?"

They try to keep from making any faces or giving anything away, but Y/N has to stifle the sound of her choking on her mouthful of cookie at the question. You'd think one of them came out and asked if they were dating or something with how she reacts, and she feels JJ squeeze her ankle in a non-verbal way of telling her to hold it together. It was her idea in the first place, yet he's a lot smoother with keeping it under the radar.

Under it all, the aspect of keeping it a secret does unnerve him to a degree. He doesn't think he'd be brave enough to communicate it, especially not when their relationship remains undefined, but the darker side of his mind wonders...

He shrugs, saying, "Cause we were friends first. Duh. Other than John B, I've known her the longest."

None of them stop to acknowledge the identical aches in their hearts at the mentioning of his name. They skip right over it like it never happened. After the funeral a few days ago, they've filled their quota on mushy-gushy sad talk for the next week and a half.

The real reason is something far more complicated than him having a claim staked on her loyalty through having the longest friendship. It's something tied up in days of slowly getting pulled into one another's worlds like the tug of gravity itself, in how he has to refrain from slipping his arm around her waist in the hallway or kissing her goodbye after a sleepover at the Chateau. But until she gives him the go-ahead, he won't let it slip to anyone.

Pope speaks up from beside him, "You literally met her twenty minutes before we did."

"Still counts. Technically, I did meet her first, so her betraying Team Oatmeal Raisin is enough to be tried for treason in Pogue Court."

"Pogue Court isn't a thing."

He crosses his arms after he pops the rest of the cookie into his mouth.

"It is now. You can be tried for treason for breaking the rules. Rule number one is that all Pogues have to admit oatmeal raisin is superior."

He's about to ball up the cling wrap to throw away later when the surfboard sticker catches his attention again. It's the same color as his board, which he'd like to think is a result of her being an evil mastermind that went out to get this sticker sheet for the sole purpose of teasing him, but he's the one who got her the sheet as a gift for her birthday, so he knows it was pure coincidence.

Last second, he peels the sticker away from the cling wrap and looks down to place it over the top of her yellow converse that were once a vibrant, paler color when Big John got them for her, but have since turned into an ugly mustard/dirt-dusted color they heckle her over.

"What are the other rules?" Y/N asks.

One of the hands holding onto where her feet are casually planted in his lap, something that they've done long enough that their friends won't see it as anything odd, slides down to caress the stretch of skin beneath the frayed hem of her dark jeans. Something she didn't know about him before whatever it is they have together started was that he constantly needs to be touching her. She can't say she doesn't love it though.

Pope answers, "The oatmeal raisin rule is not official"—a pointed glance at JJ—"But I'd assume the rest of the rules of Pogue Court would be no lying and no macking."

"So, basically you two break almost every rule except the oatmeal raisin one, and I lie," JJ says and turns to look at her, "How does it feel to be better than everyone, Y/N?"

"Pretty good, not gonna lie."

He keeps caressing little circles and tracing up and down her skin beneath the flared out pant leg of her jeans while he swipes his phone off of the table top without attracting the attention of their friends, who continue on to a new topic. She isn't too focused on what it is. She only picks up that it has something to do with a class they're in that's more advanced that hers, so she promptly checks out of the conversation.

Ever since John B died, she hasn't been performing too well in school. She tries, truly tries, but her mind outright refuses to absorb any of the information. When she reads her assigned reading, she hovers over the same paragraphs over and over until she shuts the book in a huff and hides it in her backpack again. Losing someone you love has a surprising amount of side effects.

Her phone buzzing in her hand brings her away from the impending cloud of doom that often accompanies any thoughts of John B, and when she taps in her passcode, her brother's birthday, a message bubble appears with a banner displaying JJ's contact name.

JJ (Derogatory) ur a good liar. prob could've fooled me if i weren't the one macking on u

Their eyes meet for a second across the table, then he watches her thumbs move to type a response.

Kief Princess Little do they know I break every rule now that I've switched sides on the cookie debate. Kinda impressive ngl.

JJ (Derogatory) triple threat, baby

JJ (Derogatory) thanks for the cookie btw

She smiles to herself, so wrapped up in their own world that she doesn't notice everyone in the room starting to pack up their stuff in anticipation of the bell that is due to ring any second now.

Kief Princess Had to repay you for last night somehow ;)

When she glances up to see his reaction, she watches his chest rise with a particularly large inhale, and he chews on the inside of his lip in thought.

JJ (Derogatory) strategically bringing up last night so i'm turned on in physics? ur an evil mastermind

Kief Princess I try.

Kief Princess Apparently whooping your sorry ass at surfing isn't the only thing I'm good at.

She hears him scoff.

JJ (Derogatory) first of all, ouch. second, u barely beat me

Kief Princess I'm happy to challenge you to a rematch. I have plans with Kie tonight, so I can't till this weekend. All it'll prove is that I am the rightful winner, but we knew that already.

JJ (Derogatory) what r the stakes this time

Kief Princess No sexual favors. If you beat me (fat chance) I'll formally rejoin team oatmeal raisin.

JJ (Derogatory) :( sex makes it more fun but i still accept those conditions

JJ (Derogatory) team oatmeal raisin needs u, even if ur a traitor

Kief Princess Why bet sexual favors if you're just gonna fuck me after anyway?

JJ (Derogatory) good point

The sound of the bell ringing echoes through the cafeteria, and they both pop their heads up from their phone screens to see everyone, including Pope and Kie, already packed up and raising from their seats to scurry off in the direction of their next classes. Meanwhile, their stuff is all bestrewn across the table, particularly JJ's belongings.

The sight of Kie walking away makes Y/N ask after her, "We're still on for tonight, right?

She stops with Pope's hand interwoven in hers. The look on her face when she turns would make you think she got caught doing something she wasn't meant to. Something like forgetting about the plans they made last week to watch Fear Street together. The Cherry Bowl Drive-In is premiering the first two movies as a double feature for the horror movie buffs of Kildare, so they decided to get tickets. Kiara shares a fondness of horror movies with her. Since gory movies make the boys squirm, though JJ pretends they don't, it's their own thing.

"Actually, Pope and I were gonna go to the beach. I'm sorry."

JJ knows she's more upset about it than she lets on, but Y/N simply gives the pair a smile that doesn't reach the eyes.

The sound of JJ behind her makes them laugh on their way out, diffusing the minor tension lingering in the air from the awkward encounter, "Use protection!"

After their friends offer them a goodbye, they gather their stuff quite leisurely, not really caring about being late.

It's something they've talked about before here or there: her feelings surrounding Kiara and Pope's sudden relationship. It's not as if she harbors any ill feelings for them, she doesn't, but the ripple effects of their pairing on the group, and more importantly the girls' own friendship, couldn't be clearer from her perspective. Between the missed hangouts, forgotten plans, and the convenient way she never seems to have time to hang out with her and JJ unless Pope is there too, it's been building up for a month now.

What makes it sting the most is how close her and Kie used to be. They didn't hit it off immediately the way she and JJ did as children until her thirteenth birthday when no one she invited showed up to the party Big John helped her set up in the yard of the Chateau.

She was the one who rallied the boys together to walk to ask their school friends from the year above to come hang out for an hour or two, promising a slice of the wonky-looking but delicious strawberry cake her and John B spent the morning crafting together. She can remember the sound of their high-pitched laughs and the cloud of flour that hung in the kitchen when they high-fived over the finished product like it was yesterday. In her heart, it was yesterday.

That night was when she fell in love with her friends, and that was when she first knew Kiara was her best friend. They wove friendship bracelets on each other that night and wore them for years until they withered away. No one had ever done something like that for her before. Not even JJ.

"You okay?"

Feeling his hand on her arm, slipping down to take her hand for a moment in the seclusion of the empty cafeteria, makes her glance up at him with a distinct sorrow washed over her features.

You know what? Screw this. Why should she be torn up over Kie and let it ruin her excitement for the double feature tonight? There's no way in hell she's letting her best friend ditching her for her boyfriend get in the way of her plans.

"Do you wanna go on a date tonight?" she asks him abruptly, then adds, "To the Cherry Bowl with me instead of Kie?"

The question sparks a pause in his mind, a halt of hesitation in which he worries about her avoiding having to answer what he asked, but he attempts to play it cool and not fuss over her outwardly. There have been times where being treated like that has made her feel suffocated, so he doesn't want to risk it. When she's ready, she'll talk about it, and if she takes too long and buries her feelings, then he'll intervene. For now, he tries to keep his face neutral despite the frown tempting his lips at her disappointment.

JJ looks around once more before throwing his arm around her shoulder to walk her out.

"You bet your ass I do."

What is a person supposed to act like on their first date that's not actually a date cause everything between them is the same, but kinda is a date because they called it one? If you ever find out, please find JJ and tell him because he has no clue.

Pope wasn't too much help in the Instagram group chat he made for it seeing as his and Kie's relationship is too fresh, John B isn't even alive, so he's out of service for advice unless there's Ouija Board he can borrow, and, thankfully, Kiara was his savior.

Their phones began blowing up as soon as he reached his class after lunch period ended. He couldn't under any circumstances let it be known that this mystery girl he had a date with was their friend, but thankfully Y/N already had the alibi of going to the Drive-In alone. All he had to do was make up a fake date scenario and get basic advice.

danknugstickiestickies added kiara-c and popeheyward to the groupchat

danknugstickiestickies named the group HELP ME

danknugstickiestickies i have a date with this chick i met on the beach when i was out with y/n last week. i need ur advice

His phone screen lit up with the notification that both of his friends were typing, signified with the three dot symbol bouncing in the bottom left corner as he thought it through. They couldn't possibly figure it out, right? They'd been careful, he'd been respectful of her wishes, and they'd been too busy together to notice anything new with them. He figured it would work. It was a risk, sure, but it was worth it to him. He didn't want to fuck this up with her.

Knowing her, she probably wouldn’t even treat it differently than any of their other hang outs. It's not like they haven't been romantic or sexual with each other. They've done everything but go out on an actual date, so why was he nervous?

kiara-c ummmm

popeheyward Yeah, I'm gonna need you to ELABORATE!!

kiara-c did hell freeze over? since when does jj maybank go out on dates??

danknugstickiestickies renamed the group hell froze over

kiara-c very funny, I'm laughing so hard 😐

popeheyward Do we know her?

danknugstickiestickies don't think u do. she moved here last week and hasn't enrolled in school yet. her name's steph

popeheyward What about Y/N though?

kiara-c ^^

JJ's chest muscles tightened with the question prompting a rush of anxiety that made his breathing feel slightly harder. He glanced up at his Physics teacher, who was essentially dozing off behind his desk with his hand in a bag of chips and an educational video on the projector as an excuse to not teach, and looked back down at his phone without the added stress of possibly getting his phone confiscated.

Pope's message might as well have been a sucker punch. Forget butterflies, he set a wasp’s nest loose inside of his stomach to tie it into knots and flip it every which way. His neglected textbook served as a prop for his phone to lean on as he set it down to think.

Did they know? As far as he was aware, they were getting away with it. No evidence, concrete or circumstantial, was there to prove it. At least the stress of the situation killed any chance of him being turned on by her reminder of last night in their messages. This shit was boner repellant of the highest degree.

He played stupid. Better to let them volunteer whatever information they had before he went in saying anything incriminating that they didn't already know. If anything would sour the experience of their first date, it would be him accidentally making their strange in-between relationship public behind her back.

danknugstickiestickies ?? what do u mean

Three dots bounced in the bottom left corner of his slightly cracked phone screen.

popeheyward ...

kiara-c I mean, you don't see it?

danknugstickiestickies see what

popeheyward I guess we were wrong, but all of us always thought you two had some feelings going on.

"You don't say?" JJ murmured sarcastically to himself under his breath. "Never crossed my mind, Pope."

danknugstickiestickies bro that's jb's little sister

kiara-c so?

danknugstickiestickies forbidden fruit? making john b roll over in his grave? do those ring a bell or am i speaking in tongues

He was already a proficient liar in real life, but, fuck, it was easy in text messages. There's no chance at deciphering facial expression or tone, just a plain message with no room to budge. Thank God he didn't do this in person with them. He could've survived, but it wouldn't have been as quick and painless as the group chat was.

kiara-c jeez, sorry

Pope didn't voice it, but he noticed something.

He looked up from his phone and stared off at the wall in thought in his AP European History class. It piqued his interest that JJ simply said she was off limits, forbidden fruit as he put it, but did not outright deny having feelings for her. In fact, he didn't even address the question. He made excuses for why he shouldn't have feelings for her, but he never said he didn't have feelings for her.

Kie did not notice. Not because she wasn't smart enough to either, but because she was too busy hiding her phone behind her backpack to think too deeply about it. Her teacher was one of those teachers that would flip shit if they saw a cell phone turned off and faced down on the desk, let alone being used by a student during a lesson.

In his classroom across the hallway, JJ bounced his leg up and down beneath his desk in an absentminded urge to release the built up energy the anxiety produced in an over abundance.

popeheyward Our bad then. Even John B thought y'all were sus lmao.

Since when was that a known fact? Could he tell? Did he talk to Pope about him and Y/N before he died? Either way, it wasn't the time to pry about it.

kiara-c yeah you guys honestly could've fooled me if you wanted to

danknugstickiestickies well thank u, glad ur invested in our friendship but

danknugstickiestickies please help, i have no fucking clue how to act on a date and this girl is too cool for me to screw this up

That was when they finally dropped the interrogation session and started offering up tips. The best ones came from Kie, which made sense to him since women are more likely to know what other women like than two dudes who share one collective brain cell and never had real relationships.

Rule One: Be ready to pick her up five minutes early.

He wasn't ready to pick her up five minutes early. His bike broke down by the time he made it halfway down his street, so he had to push it back up the road and into the yard before setting off on foot to reach the Chateau quickly enough. And by quickly enough, it means he got there five minutes late, not early.

Rule Two: Compliment her after you get in the car.

She tossed him the keys to the Twinkie from across the hood, not giving him the chance to open the door for her, and it wasn't until they were setting off down the road that he remembered the next piece of advice he was given.

Side-eyeing her in his peripheral vision, he tried to find something to compliment her on specifically rather than the general compliments about her being pretty that she never fully believes when he says them. He was intending to say something about the skirt she had on, but when he chanced a glance over at her, she caught him and asked—

"What is it?"

Sent into panic mode, JJ blurted out instead, "I like your shoes."

He could've bashed his face against the steering wheel twenty times right then and there at the utter absence of reaction on her part for the next few uncomfortable seconds. It wasn't that it was a bad compliment. She appreciates any compliments at all...but her shoes were hidden from his view. Not to mention, they were the dirty, mustard yellow converse that the Pogues bash on a daily basis.

She laughed, lifting her leg to expose the sneaker on her right foot, and asked, "These? Dude, you roast me for these all the time. You and John B said they look like Big Bird shit on them."

The skin on the apples of his cheeks scorched hot with embarrassment, and he was never so glad that the overhead lights in the van were burnt out until that moment. He would've died on the spot if she saw him blush like that, face flushed pinker than sunburn. All he could do to save himself was murmur something about the color growing on him and keep driving in the direction of the theater with his hands white-knuckling the steering wheel he fantasized about banging his face into.

Rule Three: Insist on picking up the check.

In this case, it meant insist on buying the popcorn and drinks, and he miraculously managed to drop his wallet somewhere along the way when he ran over to the Chateau, so when he stepped up to the makeshift concession stand with her standing at his side, he felt around for his wallet in his jeans to no avail.

His thoughts echoed back to him, You gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously? Is this actually happening right now?

"JJ, it's honestly fine," she said softly as he leaned over to search back of the Twinkie for the wallet. "We can look for it on your street right now if you want. It has your ID and stuff, you don't want a stranger to have that. We don't need to stay—"

It took all of his control to not shout it in reaction when he said, "No way. You've been waiting for this, and Kie ditched you, so I ain't ditching you too. We're staying."

His wallet could go kick rocks.

He came too far to be dragged down by the old leathery piece of shit anyway. Would he go out and search for it tirelessly the second the date ended? Hell yeah, that fucker had twenty dollars and his debit card in it, but he couldn't bear the thought of abandoning her or ruining her anticipated movie night by taking her out to search the streets with their phone flashlights for a wallet they might not find. He'd wait till the movies ended, take her home, then haul ass around the Cut searching for it after.

Thankfully, he found a couple bucks crumbled up in his front pocket while she scavenged for coins in the glove compartment, and they came up with enough to buy a water bottle and small popcorn to share together.

Rule Four: Don't have sex on the first date.

And it may sound easy enough to not act like a complete Neanderthal for the length of two movies, but the girl makes it pretty damn difficult if he's to say so himself.

That's what led him here, laying in the back of the sideways-parked Twinkie in the farthest corner of the outdoor theater with her practically on top of him. In any other instance, he wouldn't be opposed in the slightest, but with the cursed fourth rule in mind, he isn't too thrilled with the feeling of her hand rubbing up and down his thigh.

It isn't even meant to be sexual. They're constantly touching one another this way. She'll even slip her hands up under his shirt just to feel the warmth of his skin or when he asks her if she can get an itch on a part of his back he can't reach, but for some reason his brain is short circuiting right now.

The thing is, when Kie and Pope said he shouldn't do it on the first date, they meant it for his and Steph's made up circumstances, not his and Y/N's full-blown relationship without labels. When you've had sex with someone as many times as they have with each other, the hesitancy on the "first date" is nonexistent. It doesn't matter. But JJ, trying to follow the advice given to him to the letter for the sake of being the date she deserves, doesn't think about it that way.

It shouldn't be this nerve-wracking. They've been best friends since they were children, they've been flirting since they found out what basic attraction was in the first place, and they've been forming this relationship ever since John B died. Why can't he relax? Why is this so different compared to how easy it felt between them yesterday on the beach or today at lunch?

Rule Five: Be yourself.

It takes him another few moments of laying here with her before he realizes quite abruptly what went wrong in a quick flash of a thought that brings the fifth rule back to him. The problem wasn't the bike, or the weird compliment about her Big Bird sneakers, or the lost wallet.

The problem is him. The problem is that he's trying way too hard to make this something it isn't. The part about them that he adores so dearly is how they never have to try when they're together. With any other girl or guy, they'd have to fake something or act a certain way, yet when they're together, they can simply exist and everything is runs smoothly. That's not to say they don't disagree or bump heads, they do, but short of those outlier moments, it's easier than anything else they do in life.

His eyes flicker away from the screen for the first time since the movie began, which, by the way, is gruesome enough at times that he had to divert his eyes to prevent himself from seeing it happen. They land on where she lays, completely content with the night in spite of its mishaps, with her head propped up on the pillows they brought from the Chateau.

He wonders if she can tell he's acting differently. Surely she must notice. She's the type of person that typically never misses a thing, perfect for the gold hunt they went on in the summer with picking up the clues and helping her brother unravel the mystery, so maybe she noticed how flustered this date has him. Does it bother her? Does he bother her?

With a confirming glance back up at the movie to see nothing important happening, he can't fight the urge to speak anymore.

"Can I tell you something?"

His voice appearing through the darkness of the shut off van after spending the past half hour in complete silence makes her jolt at first before realizing who it was. Though she loves horror movies, she can't claim to not be affected by them. The night she falls asleep after watching one, she often finds herself compelled to turn a light on and keep her feet from dangling off the edge of the bed. It's worth the fear, though.

When she turns to look at JJ, there's a warm smile on her face. She's cuddled into his side with a hand placed casually atop his thigh, caressing with no purpose or intent, and her movement halts when the light from the movie on the projector allows her to see the expression on his face.

Anxiety has become an increasingly significant presence in his life with the recent events in mind; John B and Sarah, the four-hundred million dollars they lost out on, and dodging his father whenever he sneaks home to switch out the backpack of clothes and personal belongings he keeps at the Routledge house.

It manifests itself in jittery nerves, stomach pains, shortness of breath, and, at worst, panic attacks striking either at random or in response to a specific trigger. It's one of the few things he still tries to hide from her, and she tries not to push him too hard with opening up about it.

She abandons the movie for the time being and rolls onto her side to face him, upper body propped up on her elbow as she examines his face with downturned features.

"Of course," she says.

The words left unsaid are, "You can tell me anything. Whenever you need someone to listen, or to talk to about shit, you can tell me." He's heard her say it enough that he doesn't need to hear it now to know it's true.

There's a pause, then—

"I feel like I fucked this entire date up," he starts to ramble and cuts her off before she can think about saying what she wants to, "and I know it's okay to you. You have way too high of a tolerance for my bullshit, and I've been trying so hard to make this perfect, but all that did was screw it up."

She's left quiet for a second, taking it all in.

Maybe if he hadn't been so anxious about it, he would've realized what was wrong with his bike when he rode it home from school, or he would've noticed his wallet fall out of his pocket. The point is, he wishes he hadn't let the label attached to this freak him out so much. He isn't sure why it does, but it does.

But she doesn't do what he expects. She isn't drowning him in reassurances and, "It's okay's" because she knows he doesn't care for them much. When he, the most stubborn person she knows, apologizes for something he did, he doesn't want it to turn into the person accepting the apology coddling him.

Y/N sighs.

"Is that why you've been acting so different all night? I scared you with the whole ‘date’ thing, didn't I? It doesn't have to be a date if you don't want it to be."

What she doesn't know is that he wants it to be a date. He wants it to be a date so badly, he risked Pope and Kie finding them out for the sake of getting some proper advice on it, and now he's caught up in the same game of tug and war in his mind that always occurs when he wants to tell her the truth about his feelings for her.

Part of him doesn't understand why he doesn't outright say it. With every other girl he once showed interest in, he had no issues in letting them know he wanted them, but this is different. This isn't simply wanting someone, he thinks he's fallen for her. But whenever he says he's gonna grow a pair and tell her after all this time, he chokes. Involuntarily, he's reminded of his parents. Other than his friends saying it platonically, the only people to tell him they loved him were them, and with how they treated him, he sure as hell doesn't think that is love.

From his dad's brutal physical abuse to his mom's abandonment, he's too timid to tell her he loves her because of what could happen if she loves him back. Everyone else that has said that to him has either hurt him, died like John B did, or abandoned him.

He won't let that happen with him and Y/N. What they have, albeit undefined and codependent, is safe. It's the only thing he has left. Maybe it isn't right, and maybe he should open up about it to communicate the correct way, but somewhere in the misshapen logic of his mind, he correlates love to abandonment. And he doesn't want that to happen with her.

There are two sides of him at battle inside his mind. One side, the side that wants to do right by their relationship and actually communicate his feelings for once in his life, wants him to tell her everything. The other side, the side that responds based on the history of his past, wants him to hide it all.

"Will you be mad at me if we don't call it a date?" he asks.

She shakes her head.

The heavy sensation inside of JJ's chest nears a point of vitriolic violence against him as he starts to realize what he's doing to her, clearly letting her down, but he can't stop himself. Like a passive witness watching himself from outside of his body, the instantaneous trauma response to the sudden confrontation of his true feelings for her guides his actions without his permission. It shuts down any protest he has.

The sound of the movie fills the gap of silence between them the entire time. It’s a variety of bloodcurdling screams and disgusting sounds that would've made him gag if he weren't as distracted.

They can make out each other's faces through the darkness, but barely. It takes a flash of bright color from the film or a nearby car's lights turning on for them to fully see one another. Without the other knowing, they both put masks of calm and collected coolness on their faces despite the feelings raging beneath the surface—more so on his part than hers.

"Maybe," he says, pausing, "we should just keep things the way they've been."

As soon as the words leave his mouth, a soul-crushing amount of disappointment weighs her down. She said it was fine if he doesn't want it to be a date—and it is, she would never hold it against him—but that doesn't mean it can't hurt her. Things have been going so well, she almost thought...If tonight went well, she was thinking about no longer keeping it a secret, but if he said he wants things to stay the same, then maybe he isn't as ready for it as she is?

Meanwhile, JJ is on another page entirely.

She's embarrassed of being with you, a familiar voice in the back of his head croons. She's gonna leave just like everyone else does. If she doesn't even wanna tell your friends, why should you pretend you're dating?

The internal comments are the type that cause him to physically grimace when he's alone. Intrusive thoughts are just that: intrusive.

Sneaking into the guarded sanctuary of a person's mind, they set out to convince them the opposite of their reality. The only thing is, where most people's minds are guarded sanctuaries with walls of impregnable defense, his mind is the equivalent of a fortress blown to smithereens. The castle walls lay in rubble, the guards no where to be seen, and the path for these thoughts to slip past and straight to the vulnerability of his mind is left wide open.

In the privacy of his room, these thoughts attack him the most at night when he tries to fall asleep—when things get too quiet. With nobody around, when they get this bad there's nothing he can do except break down. It builds from the mere anxiety of attempting to force the thoughts away to full-blown panic attack mode. The more he resists them, the more aggressive they become. He'll gasp for air with tears streaming down his face, hitting his head with the heel of his hand as if that'd do something to stop his relentless mind.

But he can't afford to react in front of her, so the extent of his reaction is a subtle twitch of his face that she cannot see in the momentary darkness before the movie switches to another scene a second later. In a way, it does make the thoughts go away to have her here preventing him from spiraling alone. Having to focus on her keeps his mind away for moments at a time until the thoughts ease their grip on him.

When she hasn't answered for a while, he asks, terrified that he did something bad, "Are we good?"

The question seems to wake her up, snapping her out of the lonely direction her thoughts went into when he "rejected" her. It takes every bit of common sense she has left to force herself to understand that this doesn't mean he doesn't want her. He does, and not calling this a date doesn't mean they won't be together in the way they have been since John B's death, but she isn't perfect. She gets as unsure and insecure as he does.

As if the cloud of doom was lifted off of her, she makes her face lighten where she lays on her side next to him. Seeing this expression makes his chest feel less heavy, and he could let out a sigh of relief at the realization that he didn't break her heart and stomp on it. He should've known. Y/N is the sweetest person he knows, so she never would've flipped shit over him not wanting to label this as a date. That's not how she is.

And he's partly right. It isn't how she is. She would never hold it against him if he didn't want something further with her since she got herself into this position by pursuing him with his reputation with girls in mind, but she can't ignore it. Whether she wants it to or not, it had its affect on her as soon as he said it.

She leans in to kiss him, their lips meeting in the middle with the faint taste of popcorn salt mingling at the soft peck.

When she pulls away, she brushes the hair back from his face and says, "Don't worry. Nothing can change how I feel about you."

She has no clue what it feels like to hear that from her.

Despite the turmoil they unknowingly share beneath the surface due to this conversation, he could cry hearing her say it. It doesn't feel real to him that she feels the same way he does about her, because nothing could change how he feels about her either. That’s why he manages to work up the courage to repeat it back to her, and, for now, this is the closest he's physically capable of coming to telling her the truth.

"Ditto," he says.

It isn't what she wanted, but it's close enough, and if she dwells on this any longer, she might start getting too emotional and let the urge to tear up become too strong. Why does she have to be this sensitive? It's no secret that it's remarkably easy to make her cry, but this is insane to her. When all of this began with him, she didn't give a shit about him not wanting a label. She understood him, and she understood that he doesn't do this kind of thing, so why has it changed? Why doesn't she want to keep it a secret anymore? Why does she want this to be a date when she knows he doesn't want it to be?

Pulled by an invisible string back to him to silence her mind, she leans in to kiss him again with a hand cupping the back of his neck to guide him the rest of the way to her.

It shouldn't be laced with any sexual intention. She should be kissing him simply because she wants to, and, in a way, she is. Their kisses and touches are never lacking the motivation that is their underlying connection and mutual feelings for one another, but this is not the same. As he kisses her back with as much confidence and passion as always, she is reeling from the conversation that reminded her too much of a breakup.

It takes another minute of this for the kiss to heat up, their breathing becoming shallower in the moments they part to inhale, and she is undeniably the one instigating when she officially crosses the line between casual and sexual by crawling onto his lap. It's not hard for him to pick up on when their innocent moments take a turn. She's easy to read in that regard, and this has happened a multitude of times with them, so the shift of a mini make out session turning into something more is nothing out of the ordinary for them.

If he knew how shaken she is on the inside, he'd never want this. And the same would go for her if she knew what he was thinking before this. Neither of them wants to admit what they're feeling.

With her legs seated on either side of his hips, she kisses him like it's the last time she'll ever get the opportunity to. Her hands wander wherever they can, pulling at his shirt and feeling him up as his hands guide her hips to move against his in a steady grinding that she has no issue partaking in. It's an eagerness he hasn't seen from her in weeks. She's never un-excited when it comes to being physical with him either, but this is another level. The last time a girl was all over him like this, it was desperate touron at a party a few months ago.

In the span of time it takes her to glance over her shoulder to see if anyone could see them and reach to pull her skirt up until it bunches around her hips—no one can see them, by the way, since they got here late and were forced to cram the van into the back corner of the lot with no street lights illuminating the path—his brows raise at her presumptuous behavior. Not that he's one to complain, however, seeing as he's typically the one doing what she is.

Their next kiss clashes their teeth hard enough to make them wince, but he loves it. It makes him smirk into her parted mouth, alive with both the feeling her reassurance provided and the fuzzy-headed high that often finds him when they're together in this way. Incomparable to past flings or the high related to any drugs, she is the peak of everything to him. It's no contest.

His chest stutters against hers with a bout of amused laughter, asking within a brief pause in what feels like the most JJ thing he's said this awkward night, "Two for two in the Twinkie. What's gotten into you?"

Y/N's hand dips between where their bodies move together to unclasp the closed buckle of his belt in one smooth motion that has it falling apart with a clinking noise.

Her features are set with a look that tells him she means business. Whatever it is that sparked this, he wonders how the fuck to make it happen again another time. She's begged for it before, but never taken control so dominantly, and he can't deny what the role reversal does to him. The evidence is obvious in the distinct hardness she feels pressing up against the hand undoing his jeans.

"I was hoping it'd be you," she says, voice breathless and airy from the constant contact in a way that makes it ten times hotter for him.

If there were any chance of him not being in the mood prior to this, which wasn't the case anyway, it's gone now. He never wants to hear her say she doesn't deliberately try to tease him ever again.

He doesn't need to be told twice.

JJ surges forward to capture her mouth with his, this time with no intention of pulling away to breathe or speak again. No, he'll let himself get lightheaded and dizzy if it means he can stay with her for as long as possible.

With the circumstances of it all, them being visible to someone if they happened to pass by the open door of the van, they move at a pace quicker than usual. She's immediately helping him shimmy his jeans and underwear far enough down his hips to free his dick from the confines of his clothes, making him sigh out a breath of relief when her hand brushes against him in the process.

There's no opportunity to slow down, it has exploded into a full-throttle speed race that neither of them can halt.

His hand blindly flies out beside him to grope the floor of the van for the set of keys he tossed carelessly to the side once the movie started, eyes shut in the midst of the hot, messy kiss they share. His fingers find the fabric of one of the blankets they brought in case they got cold, then drifts again and lands on her Big Bird sneakers until he feels the sharp metal of her keys meet his calloused palm.

After the events of last summer, she bought a switch blade to keep on her key ring alongside the keys to the van, HMS Pogue, and Chateau. She may not like violence or weapons, seeing as she was a skeptic of JJ keeping the gun alongside her friends, but she saw it necessary. Between Rafe, Topper, and Kelce, how could she leave the safety of her and her friends up to chance knowing what some of the kooks did to them not long ago? What happened to Pope on the golf course alone was enough to make her skin crawl.

Right now, though, the knife flips out from the pressure of his thumb pushing the button to release it. He holds it out away from her at first to assure it doesn't nick her in the process, then uses his other hand to tug the side of her panties that hugs her hip far out enough to press the sharp side of the blade onto the inside of it.

She can hardly believe what she's watching as JJ cuts the delicate maroon underthings from her body as if he were doing something so normal, like it's something he's done before. Her forehead is pressed against his, her mouth parted both in shock and in a need to pant for oxygen, and she watches the knife ruin her favorite panties. The stitches come apart with a satisfying ripping noise that can hardly be heard over the sound of people reacting to the movie in the background.

Other customers of the Cherry Bowl Drive-In are too glued to the screen as a beloved character is chased down, reacting in shouts when she's seized by the killer and shoved onto the table of an industrial bread slicer, so they remain wholly unnoticed.

The lace, now ripped in half, dangles on the tip of the knife when he lifts it away from her, tosses it aside, and presses the button once more to retract the blade. It clatters to the floor, but is in no way forgotten with them resuming in a desperation to keep going until they both satisfy the need clawing at them from the inside. But her sense of need is different from his, and even with the fresh memory of him with the switch blade in mind, she's still somewhere else the whole time.

Her mind is faraway, muted through layers of sadness, anger, and disappointment as he reaches between them to line himself up to her entrance. The sensation of him running his cock, hard and messy with a few drops of precome, through her dripping pussy to coat it in her slick arousal is enough to make her moan pathetically. Yet when he's about to guide himself inside of her, she stops him.

"Wait, wait, wait," she breathes out rapidly, heart pounding so hard she can feel herself pulsating between her thighs, "Condom."

They were so antsy to get to it, they almost forgot.

"Fuck," he curses under his breath, and his eyes flicker from where they were trained between their bodies to glance back and forth around the van before it hits him. "I lost my wallet..."

But right when he thinks their public rendezvous in the back of the Drive-In is over due to his unfortunate mistake, she shakes her head and slips away from her perch astride his lap to crawl over to her bag.

She fumbles with the old tote bag and plunges her arm in to sift through the hodge podge of things that are purely Y/N in nature—stickers, glitter pens, a half-eaten bag of candy, etc—for the square foil package she decided to toss in before she left just in case. She usually doesn't keep them on her because he never fails to have one, but, thankfully, she had the random instinct to bring it tonight.

The only thing to bring her out of her cloudy, malevolent storm of feelings when she settles back onto his lap with the condom wrapper ripped open for him is him saying, "So you planned this, huh?" with his mouth tipped in a familiar self-satisfied grin.

She didn't plan it. In fact, she threw herself at him the second she sensed him withdrawing from her and can't stop herself despite the fact that she constantly feels two seconds away from letting a tear slip down her cheek. If that counts as "planning it", then sure.

"Maybe so," she answers, cool, calm, and collected—the antithesis of the truth.

They usually don't lie to each other.

They're thrown right back into it without any other hiccups once he rolls the condom on, and he takes in a shaky breath at her hand wrapping around him to align their bodies up. Before she can do anything, though, he takes chance to swipe the blanket he found a moment ago and wrap it around her back to keep her covered in case they get caught.

Y/N sinks down onto his cock with her lip caught between her teeth to stifle the sound that threatens to escape. JJ, on the other hand, doesn't bother concealing the sound of the groan he makes at the sensation of having her wrapped around him like this. The tension in her entire body from the anticipation and the looming threat of being seen by someone has her squeezing him so tightly, he can't help but be a little louder than he should.

Her soft palm slaps over his mouth with enough pressure to force his groan to quiet itself, and she watches his pretty blue eyes widen in reaction to the dominant action. Who is this girl and what has she done with his sweet, submissive Y/N? Don't get him wrong, he is very turned on by it, but it's unlike her to take the lead this way. He can't figure it out.

"What's wrong, angel?" she asks in a whisper into his ear, her hand over his mouth and her hips starting to slowly rock against him, "Watch the movie."

Once the words leave her mouth, she drops her hand, just in case he wants to stop and can't say anything because she had his mouth covered, and JJ is pretty sure he's died and gone to heaven.

He doesn't watch the movie, not at all, because he's too busy watching her. For someone losing their mind internally, she does not let it show, nor does she let it distract her from what's happening. If anything, the distraction in this situation is the sex, not what's going on inside of her head.

There's a moment of adjustment and going as slowly and gently as possible while waiting for the dull pressure of feeling him inside of her to fade away, but, for the most part, she doesn't waste any time. As soon as she feels comfortable enough with the ache between her thighs giving way to a spark of pleasure when she grinds her clit down on his pubic bone, she starts to ride him at a better pace than the initial slow movements of her hips.

She raises herself up and takes him again inch by inch, enjoying the sense of fullness she gets from having to fit him in spite of the slight discomfort at first, and she could swear that he'll leave bruises in the shape of his handprints with how tightly he clutches her hips. It's all he can do to prevent himself from moaning or saying something, ever the vocal lover she's come to know.

Unless his mouth is preoccupied like it was on the beach yesterday afternoon, JJ is usually impossible to shut up, especially in this context. With him always whispering dirty things to her, whether it be praises, pet names, or plans on what he wants to do to her, she has come to find it breathtakingly hot. He could likely get away with saying something if he wanted to, but he isn't sure he wants to risk it. If he opens his mouth to spew something filthy to her, he won't trust himself not to make a louder, different kind of noise that won't fit in the with background audio the other moviegoers are listening to.

The wet sound of their bodies colliding that fills the space of the van is drowned out by the loud and violent sequence occurring on the screen far ahead of them, and hearing it makes her bounce herself on him a little harder. She's fueled on by it all, and, strangely, what happened before she practically pounced on him is the main contributor.

Similarly to the nature of his intrusive thoughts, the harder she resists the memory of how it felt when he told her he didn't want this to be a date, the more forceful it is in its return. Her eyes trail down to watch where they connect with her forehead pressed to his, then she's thrown back into the feeling of helpless disappointment and insecurity. His head tips back against the window with his bottom lip dropped open and his brows furrowed just enough to create a crease on his forehead, and she's bombarded with the look of relief on his face when he realized he didn't have to be tied down to her with a label.

It makes her want to get rougher, harder, and she doesn't even care if it'll make her sore later on. She presses herself down so far every time she slides down on his cock, her teeth draw blood on her lip with how hard she must bite it to remain quiet. The pain of her hipbones rubbing against his doesn't even matter to either of them at this point. They're both too lost in the pleasure that has begun to take control of them to care about something as minuscule as that, or the burn in her thighs from the repetitive physical strain.

She grabs his wrist and brings his hand between them, flattening hers overtop of it and pressing down on the base of her abdomen in the midst of the increasingly feverish thrusts.

"Feel you here," she murmurs to him through a quiet moan, hoping he can hear it over the movie, and pushes down on his hand for emphasis. And if the way he reacts by cursing under his breath tells her anything, it's that he picked up on it. "JJ..."

He reaches out to grab her by the throat with his free hand and tug her forward to kiss him, as if something inside of him snapped in response to her doing that. The motions of her jolting up and down throws the already messy and uncoordinated kiss off-kilter, but they don't mind. It has them separating every time she lifts up, producing this heady little head rush from from them breathing in each other's air without actually letting their mouths meet in the middle.

Though they're trying their hardest not to alert anyone outside of what's happening, it didn't occur to him until now, when his eyes catch John B's old bandana swinging back and forth where it's secured around the rear view mirror.

They're worried about moaning while the entire fucking Twinkie is rocking with their movements. Well, at least it makes good use of the corny sticker he gifted John B last year as a gag gift. He tried to peel it off after JJ snuck it onto the side window to no avail. So, now Y/N is stuck with a sticker on her car reading, "If the van's a-rockin', come on in, we like orgies," rather than the more common phrase.

It almost makes him start laughing, and he prays no one takes that shit seriously, 'cause he is never intent on sharing this breathtaking girl. Ever.

Y/N isn't anywhere near laughing like he is, in fact, she's finding it difficult to keep herself together. She feels her eyes sting with the promise of tears, and she's never felt so pathetic before. Is she seriously about to cry during sex? Is she really that girl that is so ill-equipped to handle rejection, she can't get through it without tears?

She won't cry. Perhaps if he sees how glossy her eyes have become in a rare moment of good lighting, she can blame it on the hand around her throat putting pressure on the sides of her neck.

The worst part about her being near to crying is the timing of it.

The emotion of what she feels mentally mixes with the swirling, building sensation she feels in the pit of her stomach that tells her she's close to going over the edge, and it's so overwhelming. Was she imagining that their friendship had changed? More importantly, is this all she'll ever be to him? Sex is the only thing she's sure of with him, it's the only thing that doesn't require deeper emotions, and when the ground beneath their fragile relationship felt shaky...

He can feel her starting to unravel, and he knows that he'll come before she does if he doesn't do anything now, so he decides to take control.

JJ pulls the hand he had resting on her abdomen away as though he were burned by it, wrapping his arm around her waist to steady her body against his and using the hand around her neck for leverage to thrust up into her, effectively reducing her to a teary-eyed, moaning mess atop him. They both stopped caring about making noise the second he began to fuck her like this.

She cries out in ecstasy at the sudden change in pace and depth that has him hitting all the right places. Every time he thrusts up into her, just as rough as she wished for, the tip of his cock nudges into that perfect spot inside of her that makes her incapable of silencing her moans. This time, it's JJ that puts his hand over her mouth, letting the one he had around her neck move away to keep her from alerting everyone around them of what's happening.

There's nothing she can do to stop her climax as it barrels through her in its initial sweeping wave of bliss to contrast the venomous doubts in her mind. She's never felt such conflicting, yet powerful feelings before—the intensity of the physical pleasure that makes her whine into the palm of his hand, then the part of her mind replaying every word he said in their conversation before this.

Her body is rigid and tense through it all, squeezing down around his cock with the involuntary spasms of her orgasm, and he can't help himself anymore. All it takes are a few more frantic thrusts for him to bury himself inside of her one last time and spill into the condom, uncovering her mouth so he can drown out his own groans into a kiss.

Their skin sticks to their clothes on the inside with sweat from the exertion of their actions, and he can feel her stomach tremble where it presses up against his with each undulation of her hips that meet his as he rides it out.

But even with the added distraction of the sex, she can't rid herself of the feeling that started plaguing her as soon as things went awry. That was why he was acting weird all night. He must have been so worried about her thinking this was anything more than their typical hangouts that he couldn't bring himself to act normally.

She forces herself to look happy when they pull away from the kiss, panting, and JJ, unaware of what she's been thinking, doesn't notice the small deception.

Tag list: @gabiatthedisco

#jj maybank #jj maybank smut #jj maybank x reader #outer banks #obx #fanfiction #obx s2 #uh oh trouble in paradise #anyway that smut #kinda wanna get railed by JJ in the back of the van #don’t we all?

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artbyrivaille · 3 years

Text

Hair ☕

Okay, so at the outset, I would like to emphasize that English is not my mother tongue and I am still learning. But writing is my hobby and I decided that I will try my skills here too, in English, I invite you to write requests, I hope you will like it!

3,5k words!

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She was strong. She was a good soldier, commander, companion.

But she was also a beautiful woman with an amazing figure who was envied by many. Despite being quite short, because she was only five feet three, she had long slender legs. Overall, she was considered a beautiful woman. However, she had short hair.

Her hairstyle was practically identical to Levi's, but no one accused her of trying to look like him, as she was cutting her hair that way long before Ackerman joined the survey corps.

Oh, she and Levi. It was quite a sneaky topic, let alone the rumors around the body. They were often seen in each other's company, people interpreted it differently.

Some said it was just a friendship and a bond they established when Ackermann was part of her branch at the beginning of his career. And the others insinuated the supposed romance of the two. Well the versions were really different, but the truth was that y/n and good captain Levi were just two great friends. The woman was one of the few people who knew the man's past, and shared with him some facts about her. Because they both came from the Underground, however, and managed to get out of there on their own, and not with the help of scouts, as was the case with Levi.

At first they were not very sympathetic, quite the opposite. They had very similar characters, which theoretically should indicate that they will get along well, but that was only theoretically. In practice, they got on their nerves terribly.

But despite this aversion to a man, it was precisely this that helped him the most after the death of Farlan and Izabel. She provided him with comfort, help and warmth. Something no one else could give him. It was thanks to her that he recovered so quickly, and he was in the place where he was at the moment.

At some point their relationship began to take a less formal path. More and more often they stayed at each other's offices, helped each other with Erwin's sentences, that is, documentation. They drank tea together, despite the fact that the brunette was a coffee advocate, she made an exception for Levi and almost completely gave it up. They had similar problems, especially those with sleep, may both of them suffer from insomnia, so when the entire corps was asleep, they sat in the two of them over documents, or simply spent their free time together.

Y/n did not even know the exact moment when she began to care in this other, more intimate way on the short captain. It came overnight. Of course, she was behaving the same as before, after all, she was not some horny teen, but a mature woman, but at the moment when she was going to the black-haired's office, or she just knew that he would see him, her body was flooded with heat. And maybe she wouldn't care so much if it wasn't for the fact that she had short hair.

She loved the short haircut, the long hair simply irritated her and disturbed the soldier's everyday life, but she was afraid that they might be an obstacle to any closer relationship with Ackerman.

***

She sat quietly in her office filling out paperwork for Erwin. She nervously tweaked her hair, which was longer than usual, because every time she tried to cut it, something was getting in the way and that was how it was already quite long.

The silence in the office was broken by the sudden opening of the door through which entered a black-haired man with pliers and a towel in his hand. He closed the door with a bang and set the items on the coffee table, then looked at the woman poring over reports and other documents.

"You have long hair." He said suddenly and walked closer to her chair, and when he was next to him, he entangled his hand in her dark strands. She breathed a breath and leaned against the back of the armchair, massaging her temples at the same time giving herself to the caress.

"I didn't have time to cut them off because of the last expedition, and with all the crap Erwin did, I have more work to do than ever. And Hanji keeps following me all the time and asks if I managed to convince Bushbread to do experiments on titans." She explained in frustration then exhaled her mouth with a whistle.

"Tch, fucking shitty glasses. Come on, rest a little, cut off your hair, and you will give me a haircut." He replied then pulled the woman's chair back and, grabbing her hand, led her to the bathroom. She was so tired of it all that she didn't care, and the presence of a cobalt-eyed woman was calming, so she didn't resist. "Get your hair wet." He gave the order, which she followed by putting her head in the shower and then she wet her hair with a stream of water. Ackermann handed her a towel, which she grabbed and dried her hair.

Let the two go back to the brunette's office, meanwhile she took off her jacket and threw it on the couch, which Ackermann only huffed, but said nothing. She sat down without a word on the low stool that the man had prepared at that time. He ran a hand through her hair a few times and began carefully trimming it.

"Can I ask you a question?" She finally gave up y/n, unable to withstand the silence in the room

"You ask them anyway, so why do you ask me for permission." The bored man replied by which l/n raised the corner of her mouth in a small smile.

"What do you think about women with short hair?" She asked, and black hair stopped breathing for a moment. What the hell was that about? Is this some kind of provocation?

"What am I supposed to think. They are no less feminine because they do not have long hair, their appearance does not define a person." He replied quite neutral, not realizing that he had just kindled a little ray of hope in his friend's heart. "And why do you ask?"

"Because I care about someone, and all in all, I wanted to know your opinion." Ah yes. His heart leapt into his throat, and his stomach seemed to have a 3D maneuvering device. Someone did she like? But who the hell. After all, the only men with whom she spent time was himself, Erwin, sometimes he encountered Moblit in the company of Hanji and Mike. Who could steal her heart enough to make her care about her hairstyle? Probably Erwin. That fucking perfect general.

Maybe Levi didn't have complexes as such, but he was always a little jealous of Smith. He had a perfect body, he was tall, intelligent, had a high position in the military, and he came from a non-poor family. He was nothing compared to the blonde, he had nothing to offer. And he would like so much to have her with him.

"I'm done." He muttered softly brushing single hairs from the woman's clothes. She got up from the stool and unintentionally combed her dark hair. She looked beautiful, but he wouldn't tell her that.

"Your turn." She said and took the pliers from his hand. This time it was he who sat on the stool. He involuntarily smiled under his breath and closed his eyes at the woman's gentle touch. He was literally like a docile kitten. Why couldn't she be his?

***

He had been avoiding her like plague for about two weeks. He was irritated by the lack of a black-haired woman around him, but he knew that if it was like before, he would take the blow even worse.

A blow that would never come.

Y/n really didn't know what she could do wrong. After all, everything was fine, and then overnight Ackerman began to avoid her. Maybe he just got bored?

At first she explained his ignorance with overwork, in the end everyone in the command had their heads off. But when one day in a row she saw him sitting quietly with Petra, she knew it was not it. By the way, seeing a redhead in his company, something broke in her. What did this teenager have that she did not have? Did their relationship really mean nothing to him? So many questions, so few answers.

And this way almost every evening she landed in Erwin's office with Hanji with a bottle of whiskey or vodka, depending on what Smith had in the bar. Erwin and Hange really couldn't comprehend the change in brunet's behavior, and the sight of a really hurt l/n was so pathetic as to be nasty.

And so the next evening the three gathered in Smith's office where they once again debated about the captain's behavior.

"I do not feel it completely, so change the attitude towards people overnight.

I know that our curly pedantic has its own rules, but without exaggeration." Hanji announced, finishing the rest of the whiskey from her glass.

"Maybe something made him do it?" Smith replied, then grabbed his chin.

"Tch, and this thing is called Petra Ral, really fascinating." Black-haired girl summed up pouring herself and Zoe whiskey.

Their conversations were so loud that they interested Ackerman who was just about to make himself a cup of tea. But when he heard three familiar voices, he stood at the door of Smith's office, listening to what was being said.

"Don't take it for granted." Erwin said and frowned by the high concentration of alcohol in his glass.

"So what could be the reason Levi is ignoring me then? Just like logic Erwin, there are two options, or he has something to me and he distorts what is unfortunately but impossible because he always treated me only as a friend. Or he just shoots with Petra, and that's what I believe more. "Did they talk about him? What romance with Petra? And y/n cared for him the way he wanted it, but he's just an idiot and he broke it? He held his breath for a moment and tried to enter the room, but stopped himself and continued to stand still.

"Like it or not, I have to agree with the above. Although I keep my fingers crossed for the first version." Squeaked at the end of the woman, which caused a loud sigh of disapproval from y/n.

"Shut up Hanji, I don't want to hope again for something that will never happen." She growled angry and hurt. She really cared about him. Not on any Erwin, Moblit or Mike, but on him. On a goddamn Underground thief with a hard character and misophobic aspirations. Damn it, don't let this be a dream.

He walked away from the door and headed for his office. He has even forgotten why he left it at all. He sat down at the desk and stared blankly at the sky until the very morning, trying to put everything in his head. He must try to fix what he broke.

***

Like a day like every other day. There was no expedition, no surprises, just an ordinary day in the recon. Well, maybe almost. Because Ackerman had been nervous and a little stressed since the morning. And it wasn't just because he wanted to talk to y/n seriously, but largely because he couldn't find her anywhere. As to spite that day, she sank underground, his only salvation could be Erwin. Which office was on his way to. The evening and dinner time was approaching, so he wanted to come to him before her, to look for the presence of a woman at the last meal, if necessary.

He entered the office without knocking, Smith merely looked up from the mountain of documents he had probably been studying since this morning, then turned him back to the sheets of paper.

"What you want Levi?" He asked breaking the silence prevailing in the room. He was pretty sure why this one had come to him, but preferred not to reveal all the cards at once.

"Where is y/n"? Erwin sighed and then put down his quill and straightened up in his chair. He was afraid of Levi's reaction, but what could he do if the milk had already spilled?

"She went on a mission. She should be back in two or three days at the most." He replied with a straight face in the middle being a bit irritated by the reaction of the black-haired man.

"What mission? And why the hell didn't I know anything about this." Ackerman asked, very angry with the news once again.

"Maybe because you've been avoiding her for a long time? Maybe because it's a secret mission, I'm not obligated to tell you everything, Levi. I respect you and treat you as a friend, so I will give you some friendly advice. Think about what you really want and don't screw it up. I don't think I need to tell you what I'll do to you if you hurt her, not to mention Hanji." A faint smile affected his lips at the end of his speech.

"It's none of your business anymore. Thank you for the information." He replied coolly and, not worried about the threat of his friend, left his office.

So he was supposed to wait? He hated waiting. Uncertainty burst him from the inside, these few days will probably be a real nightmare for him.

***

It was well past nine o'clock, so most of the Corps' soldiers were resting in their quarters. Only a few officers were still in the courtyard. And Levi was watching them from his office.

Week. She has been gone since fucking week.

And he was consumed not only by uncertainty, but also by fear. Because they didn't know anything, not even Erwin, who entrusted the woman with this mission. Through it all, the captain was irritated and angry from day to night. Everyone wanted to be as far away from him as possible. Even Petra must have found out about his bad mood when some two days after y/n's departure, she felt bad for the fact that she smiled at him instead of focusing on cleaning. The last time he was afraid was when he first left for exeption.

Suddenly, a horse ran into the courtyard, on the back of which was a scout, but he was clearly unconscious, barely clinging to his mount. At first, Ackerman did not move from his place, but when he heard the screams about the return of squad leader l/n and summoning the medics, he sprinted out of the office.

When he was already leaving, he saw only a brunette, which two cadets were carrying on a stretcher to the infirmary. There was blood everywhere, and the worst case scenario flashed through his mind. She might have died.

He knew that they would not let him into the infirmary anyway, and the cadets didn't know anything, the only option was once again Erwin. What a mission it was to make her come back like this.

He hurried to Smith's office and threw open the door. He did not care about the surprised face of Hanji, who was sitting on the blonde's couch, but he walked over to the man and grabbed him tightly by the collar of a white shirt.

"What was that mission? And why did you send her over there alone, don't you care that she's just fighting for her life?" He was screaming at the top of his throat, he didn't care what everyone thought of him right now, he didn't care about the consequences, he only cared that he could lose her before he actually possessed her.

"In Stohess there is a man who leads the gang. It interfered with various shipments and the like. They are also active in the Underground. The task was to diversify into their ranks, apparently she did not quite succeed." He replied with stoic calm which made the black-haired man even more angry.

"Have you been really fucked up? Such a mission is not a job for one person, it is for the rest. Such matters should be handled by the MP's, not us!" He shouted and pushed the blonde back so that he almost fell from his chair.

"Only that they interfered mainly with transports to our corps. Mostly those not entirely legal. You know very well that a large amount of drugs and medical equipment we have is not entirely legal, but it is needed. I wanted to send the two of you on this mission, because both of you know the Underground, but she did not agree to you taking part in this mission. Probably because you were not getting along at that point." The man explained succinctly, and Ackerman said nothing. It was his fault, his goddamn fault. If only he wasn't such an asshole, nothing bad would have happened.

Until now, a silent Hanji came up to the shorter man and put her hand on his shoulder, the latter turned towards her, close to crying. Holy shit what she did with him.

"You'll finish later, for now, go to her." She ordered, and he nodded and without a word headed for the infirmary.

***

"When will she wake up?" He asked one of the medics, who was just finishing treating single wounds on the body of an unconscious woman.

"She should wake up in the morning. But probably not for long, he has to rest a lot now. She lost a lot of blood, it is surprising that she was even going here alive." She replied and got up from the small stool, putting the remnants of bandages and other medicaments on a silver tray. "But take it easy, she will get out of this, squad leader l/n is a damn tough woman, not just character. She will lick it." She added after a moment with a slight smile on her face trying to cheer the man up.

"I know she's strong." He replied quietly, his head bowed and his hands folded.

"So just be patient. I think she survived because she had someone to return to." She laughed softly and just left the room, leaving the slightly confused captain with the unconscious woman.

He slowly walked over to her bed and sat down next to it on the wooden chair. He grabbed her chilled hand and pressed it to his lips, giving it a tender kiss. He had to wait.

And so the hours went by, and Levi spent them thinking about his feelings for the woman and simply gazing at her adoringly.

She was so beautiful, he loved everything about her. From a smile that could not be seen too often, ending with short hair. He was lazily combing them almost all the time, not being surprised how pleasant they are. He did not even notice that it was starting to dawn, and the soldiers of the corps were slowly waking up to start another day of service. He also did not notice that Erwin accompanied by Hanji arrived in the room in the meantime, but when they saw the man sitting next to the y/n, they only smiled at each other and left, leaving them alone, of course they gave each other high five for fruitful cooperation.

"Wake up now, because these feelings will blow me up soon." The words were coming out of his mouth involuntarily. His eyes were closed, he tried to focus, to be patient. "I overheard your, Hanji and Erwin conversation about me. I really was an idiot. I shouldn't be away from you, that's why you're here at all. If I hadn't, you wouldn't be lying here, I wouldn't have allowed it. I have plans to blame Erwin for letting you go on this mission alone. But you don't know how much I was bursting from the inside by the thought that you care about someone, and that someone is not me. I was so fucking jealous. Ugh, feelings are a pain in the ass. You don't even know what you're doing with me. I just love you, and I love everything about you." There was a silence in the room, and the man breathed a sigh of relief, finally blurted out into the crowd of thoughts.

"Even my short hair?" Silence, a hoarse voice broke the silence in the room. The man immediately opened his eyes and straightened in his chair, a smile spread across his face at the sight of the woman's open eyes.

"Even short hair." He replied and once again ran his hand through it, and placed the other on her cheek.

"I heard everything, you idiot. Love you too." She said and smiled broadly as he reciprocated.

"I love you too." He replied and pressed their lips together in a kiss.

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crazycoke-addict · 4 years

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The Gabbie Hanna Drama

YouTube is a platform where creators can create content and videos that people will be interested in watching. Many times, creators will use click bait as their title and the thumbnail can be somewhat over exaggerated. YouTube are also in different communities as well. You got your beauty community which contains Jeffree Star, James Charles, Michelle Phan etc. The Gamers which have Markiplier, Jacksepticeye and Pewdipie. But today, the community I want to talk about is the storytimers because many Youtubers are part of that community are some low-key drama. Storytimers in which the majority of them are females talks about things that happened to them in the past or just recently in order to get views. storytimers are most likely to have a messed up childhood and can’t seem to stay of child and the story mostly includes them making dumb decisions. Although many people actually enjoy watching this community, storytimers can be somewhat untrustworthy. Because they are over exaggerating an incident that happened to them it makes the viewers feel skeptical and wonder what happened to them as they said is true or not. This also will follow them If they are stuck controversy as well. When reading that part, the first you can think of is Tana Mongeau. A 21 year old Youtubers who makes storytime videos and have been a fair share of controversy as well. However this topic isn’t about Tana Mongeau, not this is about another storytimer whom is similar to Tana and that is Gabbie Hanna.

Gabbie Hanna is a youtuber that I did frequently watch at one time but stopped because I found other entertaining Youtubers. Like Tana, Gabbie has made storytime videos and also over exaggerates in her videos just like other any storytimers would. Before going on youtube, Gabbie was a viner. An platform where you can make a video only 16 seconds. However when Vine was shutdown, many of the vines went to YouTube including Gabbie Hanna herself. This gave Gabbie an opportunity to talk about things that happened to her in the past or even just three months ago. Because Gabbie was popular on vine many people had their opinions on her already. Gabbie is 50/50, some love her while others not so much and like Tana, Gabbie has been in controversies which gives people many opinions on her. The biggest one would have to be the incident between her and ricegum. They were at a party, Gabbie was trying to get ricegum to do a rap battle with her, other stuff were mentioned and ricegum broke Gabbie’s phone. This incident happened in 2017 and Gabbie has been in a few controversies like when she faked herself being in coachella and when she encouraged her fans to buy these brushes from a website called but many fans were scammed and got these cheap-like brushes instead. Since than she hasn’t been in any controversies for past 10 months.... until now.

Gabbie has been into another controversy from both different people in different dramas. Trisha Paytas And Jessi Smiles. The first one being with Youtuber Trisha Paytas And the feud between the two is more high school drama. Trisha makes a video talking about how Gabbie told Jason that Trisha had STDs and according to Trisha, she doesn’t have them. Gabbie responded by saying that she didn’t say Trisha had STDs, a close friend of Trisha told her and didn’t know whether or not it was true. She only told Jason Nash whom was dating Trisha Paytas about it so he could be more careful. At one point, Gabbie says that Trisha has been harassing another youtuber Gabi demartino Trisha saw the tweets from Gabbie Hanna and publicly said that she was suing Gabbie Hanna for defamation. There were other things that happened in the drama, but they aren’t that important and also not surprising at the same time. The controversy didn’t end there for Gabbie Hanna and another had come to centre, this time a bit more serious. Gabbie and another youtuber named Jessismiles were at one point, they made videos together and so on. The two had a falling out and are known longer friends. It’s unknown why they aren’t friends anymore but after this recent conflict that Jessi talks about in her recent video, the friendship will be shattered.

Now before explain what happen and my opinions, I do have a controversial opinion. I didn’t want to be another James Charles vs Tati Westbrook drama because that’s what it feels like to be honest. The people are similar but the drama however is different. Tati And Jessi are both Youtubers who not many people know unless because they aren’t well-known like James and Gabbie. They are both rarely in drama which makes people believe them because of this. When Tati made that video called “Bye Sister” and accused of all the things that James did without any reciepts we took her word for it. James And Gabbie are well known Youtubers and gone through a lot of scandals and controversy. So before I watched Jessi’s video that were my mind went to however after finished watching the video and reading the DMs that will be mentioned as well as the statement, I’ve come to realise that James and Gabbie are shown to be different when it comes to defending themselves and trying to save their careers.

Jessi made a video called “Gabbie Hanna needs to be stopped” and in the video it has a lot of exposure on who Gabbie truly is as a person when the camera isn’t on. In the video, Jessi mentions Trisha’s video and one thing that Trisha says how scared she of Gabbie Hanna which gave Jessi anxiety and what Gabbie did yesterday prior to when the video was posted that made her crossed the line. Jessi explains a former fan of Gabbie posted a tweet stating how Gabbie chose Curtis Lepore over Jessi and publicly defended him. If many of you don’t know, in 2014 Curtis Lepore went to the police station to confessed that he raped Jessi while she was unconscious. Gabbie decided to DM Deanna and asked why do people believe that she defended him. Deanna let Gabbie tell her side of the story whether or not if she was ever friends with Curtis. When Gabbie tells her story. She rarely mentions Curtis but instead brings up her friendship to what Deanna was saying. When reading the messages between Gabbie and Deanna, Gabbie seems to be avoiding any questions involving around her alleged friendship with Curtis and instead sneers about Jessi and their friendship they once have. Gabbie also explains how she got an unknown caller which turned out to be Curtis who rang and apologise to her if he was ever mean to her in the past. Jessi explains that part was true but the conversation happened face to face while she was hanging out with Curtis’ friends not through phone because that’s what Gabbie told her. During this part of the video, Jessi seems to be hurt and betrayed. Jessi told Gabbie how messed up it was for Gabbie to hang out with him and his friends. Gabbie defended herself by saying she was only hanging out with his friends and he happened to be there and according to Jessi, Gabbie said to her, “Jessi, his friends didn’t rape you”. It hard to know whether or not this part is true, this wasn’t through text messages but actually through a face to face conversation. Gabbie however said she doesn’t remember saying that. It’s normal for us to not remember things that we have said in the past because apparently the average person speaks somewhere in between 125 to 150 per minute, but interesting that one person can remember while the other person who said it can’t. In that context itself, Gabbie is implying that just because one person caused you trauma doesn’t mean you should punish everyone else around him. However it’s not case for Jessi and people who are victims of rape. They chose to still remain friends with Curtis after what he had confessed and done meaning they are just as equally bad as Curtis. So seeing someone that considered to be friend one time decided to hangout with his friends, Jessi felt hurt by Gabbie for actually doing something that. Although Jessi never bought this up, but another youtuber by the name of ReadytoGlare did however. n the DMs, Gabbie brings up that she lost a lot of friends due to her siding with Jessi during the whole “rape drama”. This rubbed people the wrong way says a lot about Gabbie Hanna. Using the term “rape drama” shows that Gabbie thinks that what happened to Jessi isn’t that big of deal and she only side with her not because she was a good friend but saw Jessi as an experiment she needed to fix. Because Gabbie lost her friends, Gabbie is probably regretting ever siding with Jessi and wonder what could’ve been if she sided with Curtis Lepore instead. Remind you that Gabbie said that she became friends with Jessi after the allegation became public.

During the video, Jessi explains that Gabbie would always paint Jessi as a crazy peris a video that made two years where she mentioned that this person (Jessi) who she’ll be talking about as being a crazy person and somewhat psychotic who is emotionally unstable that Gabbie was destine to fix. However it gets worse when Gabbie told Deanna that Jessi said that she took meds to explain her behaviour and also why she keeps lying. At this moment, Gabbie crossed the line. When it come mental health, it’s none of our business what people like Jessi in how they treat their mental illness unless they are opened to talk about it. Gabbie is also seen as a hypocrite and even belittles by saying that because Jessi takes meds, we shouldn’t take her word whenever Jessi speaks out. The reason why Gabbie looks like hypocrite is because she’s mental health advocate but now it only seems that she’s mental advocate when it benefits her. Gabbie explains in a story on how nice she is despite the fact that she made a tweet talking about how you don’t have proof to people that you’re honest, nice or generous. Gabbie is doing something similar to what Jake Paul after the amounts of hate he was receiving in 2017 by making a music video and list the good things he’s done. Because Gabbie didn’t practice what she preach, it’s hard for people to see as this nice person considered what she did to Deanna and Jessi. Deanna made a statement saying that Gabbie was doing what her abusive boyfriend did by manipulating her and also gaslighting her as well. Gabbie gaslights Deanna by trying to make her feel bad for making the tweet about her defending Curtis without any proof or evidence. Although there isn’t evidence that Gabbie publicly defending Curtis, it’s possible that she secretly supported him in private. The only people who can give us this information are curtis’ friends. I also found out that Curtis was arrested on September 18 2013 and the tweets that Gabbie mentions Curtis send in which people have been using as evidence were both posted on September 24th 2013 and December 4th 2013.

Earlier I brought up on why people skeptical when storytimers like Tana or even Gabbie tell a story about what happened to them because there might a big gap in their story like when they are in a controversy and they don’t hold themselves accountable or even tell the full story and they think people are going to accept it. Their fans might but everyone else would not. Like I said before about the James Charles Situation and how he is different to Gabbie when it comes to saving his career is because James Charles used the reverse and debunked all the evidence and clear up the misunderstanding while Gabbie doesn’t do any of that and did something similar like what Jake Paul did.

#gabbie hanna #jessi smiles #trisha paytas #gabi demartino #manipulation

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richincolor · 4 years

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Crystal’s 2019 Favorites

Truly this is the most difficult post of the year for me. There were so many excellent books published this year, but I finally narrowed it down to the following seven titles:

An Indigenous Peoples’ History of the United States by Roxanne Dunbar-Ortiz, adapted by Debbie Reese and Jean Mendoza Beacon Press || Crystal’s Review

Going beyond the story of America as a country “discovered” by a few brave men in the “New World,” Indigenous human rights advocate Roxanne Dunbar-Ortiz reveals the roles that settler colonialism and policies of American Indian genocide played in forming our national identity.

The original academic text is fully adapted by renowned curriculum experts Debbie Reese and Jean Mendoza, for middle-grade and young adult readers to include discussion topics, archival images, original maps, recommendations for further reading, and other materials to encourage students, teachers, and general readers to think critically about their own place in history.

Like a Love Story by Abdi Nazemian Balzer + Bray || Crystal’s Review

It’s 1989 in New York City, and for three teens, the world is changing.

Reza is an Iranian boy who has just moved to the city with his mother to live with his stepfather and stepbrother. He’s terrified that someone will guess the truth he can barely acknowledge about himself. Reza knows he’s gay, but all he knows of gay life are the media’s images of men dying of AIDS.

Judy is an aspiring fashion designer who worships her uncle Stephen, a gay man with AIDS who devotes his time to activism as a member of ACT UP. Judy has never imagined finding romance��until she falls for Reza and they start dating.

Art is Judy’s best friend, their school’s only out and proud teen. He’ll never be who his conservative parents want him to be, so he rebels by documenting the AIDS crisis through his photographs.

As Reza and Art grow closer, Reza struggles to find a way out of his deception that won’t break Judy’s heart–and destroy the most meaningful friendship he’s ever known.

With the Fire on High by Elizabeth Acevedo HarperTeen || Group Discussion

With her daughter to care for and her abuela to help support, high school senior Emoni Santiago has to make the tough decisions, and do what must be done. The one place she can let her responsibilities go is in the kitchen, where she adds a little something magical to everything she cooks, turning her food into straight-up goodness. Still, she knows she doesn’t have enough time for her school’s new culinary arts class, doesn’t have the money for the class’s trip to Spain — and shouldn’t still be dreaming of someday working in a real kitchen. But even with all the rules she has for her life — and all the rules everyone expects her to play by — once Emoni starts cooking, her only real choice is to let her talent break free.

Love from A to Z by S.K. Ali Salaam Reads || Crystal’s Review

A marvel: something you find amazing. Even ordinary-amazing. Like potatoes—because they make French fries happen. Like the perfect fries Adam and his mom used to make together.

An oddity: whatever gives you pause. Like the fact that there are hateful people in the world. Like Zayneb’s teacher, who won’t stop reminding the class how “bad” Muslims are.

But Zayneb, the only Muslim in class, isn’t bad. She’s angry.

When she gets suspended for confronting her teacher, and he begins investigating her activist friends, Zayneb heads to her aunt’s house in Doha, Qatar, for an early start to spring break.

Fueled by the guilt of getting her friends in trouble, she resolves to try out a newer, “nicer” version of herself in a place where no one knows her.

Then her path crosses with Adam’s.

Since he got diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in November, Adam’s stopped going to classes, intent, instead, on perfecting the making of things. Intent on keeping the memory of his mom alive for his little sister.

Adam’s also intent on keeping his diagnosis a secret from his grieving father.

Alone, Adam and Zayneb are playing roles for others, keeping their real thoughts locked away in their journals.

Until a marvel and an oddity occurs…

Marvel: Adam and Zayneb meeting.

Oddity: Adam and Zayneb meeting.

The Downstairs Girl by Stacey Lee G.P. Putnam’s Sons || Crystal’s Review

Atlanta, 1890: By day, seventeen-year-old Jo Kuan works as a lady’s maid for the cruel daughter of one of the wealthiest men in Atlanta. But by night, Jo moonlights as the pseudonymous author of a newspaper advice column for the genteel Southern lady, “Dear Miss Sweetie.” When her column becomes wildly popular, she uses the power of the pen to address some of society’s ills, but she’s not prepared for the backlash that follows when her column challenges fixed ideas about race and gender.

While her opponents clamor to uncover the secret identity of Miss Sweetie, a mysterious letter sets Jo off on a search for her own past and the parents who abandoned her as a baby. But when her efforts put her in the crosshairs of Atlanta’s most notorious criminal, Jo must decide whether she, a girl used to living in the shadows, is ready to step into the light. With prose that is witty, insightful, and at times heartbreaking, Stacey Lee masterfully crafts an extraordinary social drama set in the New South.

The Weight of Our Sky by Hanna Alkaf Salaam Reads || Crystal’s Review

A music loving teen with OCD does everything she can to find her way back to her mother during the historic race riots in 1969 Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, in this heart-pounding literary debut.

Melati Ahmad looks like your typical movie-going, Beatles-obsessed sixteen-year-old. Unlike most other sixteen-year-olds though, Mel also believes that she harbors a djinn inside her, one who threatens her with horrific images of her mother’s death unless she adheres to an elaborate ritual of counting and tapping to keep him satisfied.

But there are things that Melati can’t protect her mother from. On the evening of May 13th, 1969, racial tensions in her home city of Kuala Lumpur boil over. The Chinese and Malays are at war, and Mel and her mother become separated by a city in flames.

With a 24-hour curfew in place and all lines of communication down, it will take the help of a Chinese boy named Vincent and all of the courage and grit in Melati’s arsenal to overcome the violence on the streets, her own prejudices, and her djinn’s surging power to make it back to the one person she can’t risk losing.

*** CONTENT WARNINGS: Racism, on-page death, graphic violence, OCD and anxiety triggers. If you are affected by any of these things, please do consider setting the book aside until you feel more able to take them on. ***

Full Disclosure by Camryn Garrett Audrey’s Review

In a community that isn’t always understanding, an HIV-positive teen must navigate fear, disclosure, and radical self-acceptance when she falls in love—and lust—for the first time. Powerful and uplifting, Full Disclosure will speak to fans of Angie Thomas and Nicola Yoon.

Simone Garcia-Hampton is starting over at a new school, and this time things will be different. She’s making real friends, making a name for herself as student director of Rent, and making a play for Miles, the guy who makes her melt every time he walks into a room. The last thing she wants is for word to get out that she’s HIV-positive, because last time . . . well, last time things got ugly.

Keeping her viral load under control is easy, but keeping her diagnosis under wraps is not so simple. As Simone and Miles start going out for real—shy kisses escalating into much more—she feels an uneasiness that goes beyond butterflies. She knows she has to tell him that she’s positive, especially if sex is a possibility, but she’s terrified of how he’ll react! And then she finds an anonymous note in her locker: I know you have HIV. You have until Thanksgiving to stop hanging out with Miles. Or everyone else will know too.

Simone’s first instinct is to protect her secret at all costs, but as she gains a deeper understanding of the prejudice and fear in her community, she begins to wonder if the only way to rise above is to face the haters head-on…

#2019 Favorites #YALit

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ajokeformur-ray · 5 years

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Can I get a Friendship and Romance match-up for Death Note, Criminal Minds, and Bleach? I’d really appreciate it!

Name: Corethra Age: 23 Race/Ethnicity: African-American Sexuality: Heterosexual Gender: Female Occupation: Hostess at Applebee’s Appearance: 4’11, Long curly black hair, Brown eyes, I wear glasses, well developed but average figure at best Interests: Anime, video games, politics, writing/reading, movies, tv shows, listening to music Personality: I’m a Pisces, INFJ, and was born in the Year Of The Pig! All of which describe me pretty well. I’m an introvert and most people describe me as quiet, intelligent, creative, dorky, and really sweet. While I am those things, I also have a very smart, sarcastic, foul mouth that knows no bounds, I’m an escapist, I’m very imaginative and can be a bit scatterbrained at times, and I’m methodical and detailed almost to the point of perfectionism. I’m usually a walking contradiction in terms of personality in so many ways to the point where the real me is almost impossible to decipher. When I get pissed at someone, I will either clam up and pretend they don’t exist to me, let them know how they wronged me and curse them out like no other, or just outright make their lives a living hell anyway I can. I can be rather passive-aggressive and having me as an enemy is NOT a good time. I suffer from iron deficiency anemia and depression so the symptoms of those things definitely are a part of how I present myself to others. I can usually be seen eating ice and have had suicidal thoughts many times. I’m often considered a rarity and have a history of being a bullied outcast. Because of this, I don’t share my thoughts, feelings, or beliefs with others very often but once I do, the gates of passion will open up and never close. Once someone gets close enough to where I consider them a friend, I shower them with love, care, and affection but quickly adapt to their needs. I’m rebellious and highly value power over myself. I’m still a virgin and have no relationship experience. I’m open-minded and like to look at things from all perspectives as well as do research before coming to a conclusion as to how I feel about something. Especially when it comes to politics. I love a good laugh and have an open sense of humor. Overall I’m a hot mess and don’t think very highly of myself although my friends and family definitely do.

Sorry if this is too much to take in! D:

@sacredwarrior88

Death Note - romance: Yagami Light: I thought long and hard about this for about five minutes. This was a toss up between Light and L and ultimately, I decided upon Light because of your contradictory personality and also because you are largely objective about many areas of interest such as politics. Furthermore, it can take you a time to open up to someone and if I matched you with L, then you would literally never get together because you’re both slow to open up and trust. So, for these reasons, I chose Light. You are intelligent, self-aware almost to a fault, a perfectionist and scatterbrained: these contradictions would intrigue Light. How could someone be so logical yet so imaginative? Imagination itself defies logic. Light would find this irritating, your personality in general, because you don’t make sense and he wants to find out why. It’s basically a mission at first to unravel you but over time he ends up falling in love and that annoys him too and the boy just needs help xp You’re both passive-aggressive so people tend to scarper when the two of you are tense near each other or ignoring each other; you show anger in similar ways though after a certain point in his arc, Light just kills people who annoy him (never you though, ever). He would chip away at getting you know you and you would have to return the favour to get to see the real Light behind the charm. The charm is wonderful but many people don’t live very long after finding out who he is, or they die before they even know there’s another side to him. Light would almost constantly pull you into a deep conversation, wanting to know your worst and most dark thoughts; it’s through these conversations that he gets to know you, fall in love with you, and become really possessive of you. It’d be dangerous beyond a certain point because you would never be able to do or be anything without Light knowing about it. As far as battling depression and suicidal thoughts go, Light wouldn’t be the most sympathetic person to be around when you need someone and he would use logic to try to soothe your insecurities, like, “That’s stupid. No one cares about your spots, so stop worrying about it.” He would try to be sympathetic but he wouldn’t try try, you know?

Death Note - friendship: Amane Misa. I did initally pick L but with how similar he and Light are in a lot of respects, I’d only end up repeating myself. Misa is a dark horse and her greatest strength is that people always underestimate her. She is clever (though reckless), devoted to what she sets her mind on (but stubborn), willing to do what no one else will in the name of love (in the case of her and Light it was likely a mild obsession) and is probably a diamond in the rough when it comes to friendships. She would want to spend a lot of time with you, mostly lounging around in either of your bedrooms and studying or watching a horror film (if you flinch at any gore, she laughs but you laugh when she jumps at the predictable jump scares) and eating your weights in sweets (with Misa moaning about her probably weight gain as the night goes on). She would your number one supporter but if anyone dared to cross Light - even you - then her allegiance would quickly change.

Criminal Minds - romance: Spencer Reid would be with you because Penelope conveniently set you up. How very convenient for me… and for you ;) you’re both introverts so it really would be very slow burn for you to get together but Penelope would be pushy and I think even Hotch would advocate setting you two up, the tension is that thick. You’re not perfect for each other (because that doesn’t exist and anyone who says it does is lying, I think) but that’s okay because you both put in concerted efforts. Spencer struggles with the statistics of him developing schizophrenia, of his previous drug misuse, with cases and of trying to save as many people as he can despite knowing that that’s not possible. He knows and he struggles but still he loves with his whole self and he tries and dear god I wanna squish him. You can be passive-aggressive whereas Spencer would rather let you come to him to talk in out in your own time (forcing him to talk when he’s not ready makes him clam up so he always extends you the same courtesy, no matter how frustrated he is) and so there’s a disconnect here in how you both deal with emotions so there would have to be a compromise. Neither of you have very much experience with relationships and the physical aspects, so you would learn each other’s bodies together as and when you’re both ready - or not, as the case may be, because sometimes you just don’t want to. A part of Spencer’s job means that he can almost always profile you, even though there’s a pact between you that he can’t do that you (though he may teach you, if you ever wanted to learn), so he’s at a advantage when it comes to emotional communication. You open up to each other slowly, really slowly, but that means that the basis for a relationship is solid and may well last a long time.

Criminal Minds - friendship: Penelope Garcia would be all over you omggggggg. She’d love you. You’re an introvert, but that’s never stopped her before. You’re dorky and on that front, she’d want to set you up with Spencer (convenient as fuck that, isn’t it???? xD ^^^^^^^) and she would probably do her very, very best to help you with your anaemia, depression and suicidal thoughts. She would do everything for you and I feel like she would devote so much of herself to helping you out that it would seem like a case to the others. You’re methodical and a perfectionist, which means that you mesh well with the rest of the BAU and they would, between them, likely be able to figure you out and help you figure yourself out. Penelope would be almost anal about making sure that you take your anaemia medication and that you’re eating the right foods and taking care of yourself. She’s your literal sunshine and neither of you know where you would be without the other.

Bleach - romance: Kuchiki Byakuya would probably be the best one for you because he’d pull you out of any funks you had. Not because he wanted to, but because he would need you beside him. You would probably have a large amount of responsibility on your shoulders because of who he is; he would need you to be on top form; or it could risk his reputation. You’re methodical and detailed so sometimes Byakuya would want to spend time with you in the way that you are both doing paperwork for the Squad, spending quiet time together separately. You’re a walking contradiction whereas Byakuya is a walking secret self, almost, so on this front you’d get along splendidly and he would do all he could when it comes to helping you with your depression and if your nihilism ever gets too far, i.e it impacts you negatively in some way, then he would probably use cold, hard logic to help you. It may not be… helpful as such, but he always, always means well and he loves hard. You’re passive-aggressive but sometimes you’re just flat out aggressive, whereas Byakuya is almost always passive-aggressive and will just glare someone to death. You don’t open up often and truth be told neither does Byakuya so any quiet moments between the two of you are equally savoured and treasured until the next one. You come together slowly and then all at once, never to part again.

Bleach - friendship: Kurosaki Ichigo would probably help you with getting with Byakuya truth be told. He seems to get under Byakya’s skin like no one else, save perhaps Renji, and that means that he could probably give you hints and tips to help you with Byakuya. Behind the scenes, he’s also doing the same for Byakuya. You’re a daydreamer and so is Ichigo, to a point, though he focuses on all the things he did wrong the day before (or thinks he did wrong), and how he should have done it, etc. You don’t get angry at each other often, probably because neither of you want to get on the other’s bad side, and he’s so used to looking after his sisters and his dad that he’d definitely get you to take your meds as/when you forget them. The statement “you need to take your meds” with a glass of water and said meds in hand or the question, “taken these?” is very common and almost a daily ritual.

#matchup #criminal minds #death note #bleach #light yagami #misa amane #byakuya kuchiki #ichigo kurosaki #spencer reid #penelope garcia #submission

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illionoisprelawland-blog · 4 years

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The Life And Impact Of John Lewis

By Brian Uhler, University of Chicago Class of 2021

July 28, 2020

In the wake of the recent anti-racism protests that have captured much of the world’s attention this summer, the recent death of John Lewis, one of the legends of the civil rights movement, has taken a heavy toll on the hearts of Americans. From his work with Martin Luther King Jr. to his actions as a Congressman, Lewis had a profound impact on the social climate of the United States. Eventually dying at the age of 80 due to pancreatic cancer on July 18th of this year, (4), John Lewis is a name that will hopefully never be forgotten by the world. But what exactly did John Lewis do to earn his great legacy; what did John Lewis do that was so impactful?

John Lewis, a civil rights advocate and Congressman, is widely considered to be an American hero and is often thought to be the “conscience of the United States Congress.” (3)Born in Troy, Alabama in 1940, he attended segregated schools during his childhood. Lewis was inspired by activist events such as the Montgomery Bus Boycott as well as the words of MLK, and eventually he too decided to join the civil rights movement. When Lewis was a student at Fisk University, he organized sit-in demonstrations at segregated lunch counters as a way to protest racial segregation. Lewis was named the Chairman of the Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee (SNCC), an organization that was responsible for putting together events for student activism. He also took part in the Freedom Rides, a series of challenges to the segregation of interstate buses. (1) He risked danger by sitting in seats reserved for white people, and he was routinely beaten by mobs and arrested by police for his activism and challenges to the Jim Crow laws that were responsible for much of the segregation of the South. Lewis also took place in the famous Selma to Montgomery March, a protest meant to draw attention to the lack of voting rights in Alabama. (3) As Lewis and his fellow civil rights advocates crossed the Edmund Pettus bridge on the way to Montgomery, they were attacked by police officers and Lewis was transported to a hospital for treatment of his rather severe injuries. These are just a few of many examples of Lewis’ bravery and intensity as an advocate for civil rights – Lewis estimated that he had been arrested while fighting for civil rights more than 40 (forty) times. (1) Despite the arrests, physical harm done to him, and general mistreatment, John Lewis was a staunch advocate of nonviolence as the proper means of civil change. This philosophy is similar to that of another famous civil rights activist, Lewis’ friend and mentor Martin Luther King Jr.

Lewis, who was inspired by Dr. King to join the civil rights movement, had seen what MLK had done throughout the country and wanted the same to happen to his own hometown of Troy, Alabama. While only 18 years old, Lewis wrote a letter to King, and King not only responded but included a round-trip bus ticket and an invitation to meet with him. (2) Lewis made this trip, and their friendship began. Lewis was even one of the keynote speakers at the famous 1963 March on Washington, the very same event where King gave his “I Have A Dream” speech, a speech that will likely go down in history as one of the most impactful speeches ever given. (4)

After leaving the SNCC, Lewis was appointed by President Carter to direct ACTION, the federal volunteer agency. In 1981, he was elected to the Atlanta City Council, where he yet again advocated for racial equality and ethical behavior in government. Then, in 1986, Lewis was elected to Congress as U.S. Representative of Georgia’s Fifth Congressional District. (1)

In 2011, Lewis received the Presidential Medal of Freedom from President Obama – the highest civilian honor that a person can receive. Upon Lewis’ passing, President Obama said that Lewis will “continue, even in his passing, to serve as a beacon.” (4)From his work as a civil rights advocate to his time as a U.S. Congressman, John Lewis never stopped his fight for racial equality. While his death marks a great loss for America, his legacy will live on and his impact has changed the country forever.

________________________________________________________________

(1)“John Lewis.” Congressman John Lewis, 10 Jan. 2020, johnlewis.house.gov/john-lewis.

(2) Hillman, Kerrie, et al. “Rep. John Lewis' Fight For Civil Rights Began With A Letter To Martin

Luther King Jr.” NPR, NPR, 17 Jan. 2020, www.npr.org/2020/01/17/796954200/rep-john-lewis-fight-for-civil-rights-began-with-a-letter-to-martin-luther-king-.

(3)Suggs, Ernie. “Five Things to Know About Congressman John Lewis.” Ajc, The Atlanta

Journal-Constitution, 29 Dec. 2019, www.ajc.com/news/five-things-know-about-congressman-john-lewis/uzHfUBLepoRaRnwvjlmpkK/.

(4)Malveaux, Suzanne, et al. “Civil Rights Legend Rep. John Lewis Dead at 80.” CNN, Cable

News Network, 18 July 2020, www.cnn.com/2020/07/17/politics/john-lewis-dead-at-80/index.html.

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weeklymusings-blog · 5 years

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“alone, you’ll go quicker. together, you’ll go farther.”

[gif isn’t mine. retrieved from https://gph.is/1njFwhm] I chose a blooming cherry blossom tree which had falling petals as a symbol of where I am and where I aspire to be. Like a cherry blossom, I know that like all people, I have the capacity to be good -- there is the best version of myself inside of me that can be developed through grit, rigor, and forming good habits. The cherry blossom tree is where I am now. How it blooms, how it’s petals fall from its branches, how it’s goodness attracts people all over the world to come see it -- is how I wish to be in the future. Like its falling petals, I would like to one day give parts of myself to people -- I want to take the goodness I have developed and I want to share it to the world that helped nurture me. Like how it attracts people through its beauty, I want to be that adult that one day inspires people because of the goodness of who they are. And like the symbol’s form -- a gif, rather than a still moving photo, I want to constantly be in the process of moving -- of becoming -- perhaps I will never truly commit and stay with one thing -- because the world is a bit too big to say yes to one thing (other than goodness) for forever.

Identity Formation With regards to my identity formation, I’d say that much of my identity has gone through some sort of crisis at one point. Growing up, I always had these strict definitions of what I should be -- even if these weren’t in line with what I actually wanted. Abiding by these defined rules because I thought they were “right” made me a generally principled person, but it became negative when I started bringing these “shoulds” to things like hobbies, interests, career, and friends -- among other things that are better based off of preference and genuine delight, rather than the idea of societally defined standard. Now that I’m older, I hope to learn from that mistake. I am now fond of the thought that what I might become is better than what I had initially planned. Thus, I think that a lot of my identity is in the stage of moratorium -- and I’m actually quite happy with that. When we first discussed this lesson, I used to think that Identity Achieved was the ideal state, but reflecting on it now, I’ve come to realize that while commitment is admirable, there is also still something to admire in the unknown and the openness of oneself to that. As Gretchen Ruben once said in her book, The Happiness Project, “the days are long but the years are short” -- sometimes, life can pass you by pretty quickly, yet it’s still a pretty long journey ahead. And to know that this journey is filled with spontaneous side stops and unexpected turns excites me. While there are certain things that I know that I want -- like my love for dance and performance, like movement, like my bisexuality, and like my desire to enact social change -- I know that the only real non-negotiable, the only real aspect I want to commit to is love and happiness. And I like to think that everything else will follow. I’d say that my ego identity is someone that’s constantly optimistic, shares a lot of her thoughts and ideas, and is generally bubbly. On the other hand, I think that my personal identity was me trying to fight off stereotypes in my adolescence, since my personality just really wasn’t linear. For example, something I often thought is: was I the typical responsible student with good grades that recited a lot? or was I the pasaway student that liked to crack jokes and sometimes played the devil’s advocate in class debates? Apparently, they aren’t mutually exclusive. The fun part is that I could be both. Lastly, with regards to my social identity, I tend to be the leader when it comes to group projects because I have a certain standard. However, when it comes to me with my group of friends, I tend to be the more childlike friend that my friends find irresponsible that needs to be taken care of, and is kind of dumb. Whether I actually am like that, or whether it’s actually a brand -- I don’t really know. But both are examples of how I function or act, depending on the social setting.

Psychosocial stage In terms of my psychosocial stage, I am in the Young Adult stage, since the stage fits my age bracket and describes how I feel in terms of my social interactions with others. Although my values and ideologies are constantly in development, I think that I have a good sense of what they are, and am now more focused on how I relate with others. In the past, I was more preoccupied with a lot of my individual goals and generally trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted. I focused on myself more when I was younger because there were things that needed fine tuning, and now that that’s done, I think I’m better equipped to give more of my attention to others. Whereas I could have gone not talking to people or not valuing my friendships as much before, I now give more importance to the relationships I have with other people. Growing up has also made me a bit more mature, and has improved my relationships with my family members as well. The manifestations of this stage can be seen through how I hang out with my friends more often, spend more quality time with my family, and admittedly, in the longing for intimacy -- have had a few more intense crushes.

Psychosexual stage With regards to my psychosexual stage, I am in the genital stage, which begins in adolescence. I don’t think I really feel much of the sexual desires that Freud described in this stage -- or at least not in the intensity of the way he described it. While the occasional thought of being intimate with a girl crosses my mind from time to time, I wouldn’t really say that it’s as intense as Freud makes it out to be. Either that, or maybe it’s because I’m still figuring out my identity. I know that I can fall for a guy or girl, but when it comes to actual intimacy -- I think I’m either asexual or I’d only ever be intimate with a girl. Honestly, it’s still kind of grosses me out. That aside however, I do agree that it’s in this stage where the conflict between my ego and superego occurs. While I am still idealistic (as represented by the superego) and assertive (as represented by the id) with regards to the things I want, through experience, I’ve come to realize that I need to balance these two aspects of myself (as represented by the ego) in order to effectively function -- or in simpler terms, in order to be truly happy. While there isn’t anything wrong with idealism or assertion, to allow both to run unmitigated has usually resulted in overscheduling or biting off more than I could chew -- to let both rule my life makes me unrealistic and unreasonable with my schedule because I don’t let myself rest. As I grew older, I’ve started to realize the importance of still balancing those two aspects with realism -- and so when I plan my life out, I’m now in the process of learning to give myself some breathing room -- room to make mistakes, to process a day’s events, and to just rest and be.

Issues of emerging adulthood In terms of learning “how to adult”, I’ve seen this manifest through how I’m becoming more conscious with my spending habits, as well as how I’m trying to learn how to commute -- although little by little. I’m also starting to take more initiative with regards to the things that I enjoy doing. For example, when I was a kid, my mom would be the one to enroll me in my ballet lessons -- or any set of extracurricular classes for that matter. She’d be the one to find a studio, to inquire about their rates and schedules, to ask about trial classes so we could compare between places or teachers, and to make the overall final decision of where I’d go. Now that we don’t live together anymore and now that I’m older and further exploring, I’m the one that calls places and asks about those things. Although it’s just for hobbies and interests, in a way it gives me a sense of control over my own life. I feel like I’m starting to become more independent, and although it comes with more responsibility, I like the fact that I’m the one accountable for these things because it’s something within my control.

Like all positives however, this also comes with its own set of negatives. Being accountable means making my own decisions, and having to stick through and live with them. For instance, I have to choose what tracks to take since I’m an AB Interdisciplinary Studies major. It isn’t a choice my parents can make for me anymore -- nor is it something I can just keep ignoring in the hopes that it would one day go away. Since I do recognize how important it is though, in line with me generally being in the moratorium stage, I think that I’m letting myself explore too, and I acknowledge that what I choose doesn’t have to be final (although it’d be beneficial if it is). Thankfully, I’m in a course where we can keep changing our minds.

Aspirations for adulthood Although quite abstract, when I grow up, I have this vague idea of me being financially stable, having some pretty cool stuff, maybe teaching a bit, doing some sort of creative job that I’m passionate about and made good friends through, and on the weekends, I’d be doing some sort of volunteer work. I’d balance that weekend alongside with catching up with family and friends from high school or college. Maybe I’d be living in my own place too -- I’m not entirely sure though -- but I do want to be with my parents regardless. I wasn’t able to spend much time with them growing up, and I’d like to do that now and when I get older. I like the idea of growing up to be someone that generally has a sunshine glow and positive aura -- that knows her morals and stands up for what’s right. Someone that’s politically aware, too, and kind to everyone. I really just want to be happy, fulfilled, loving, and healthy. It isn’t only an aspiration for adulthood though -- but really something I want for the rest of my life.

#nagrampa #journal 5

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jae-bummer · 7 years

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More Than Friends

Request: Im tempted to ask for a Kihyun one AGAIN, but can I request a Yoongi fic with prompt number 3 & 6? Thank you lovee <3

3) “You should learn to lie better.”

6) “I never realized how much of a coward you are.”

Member: BTS Suga x Y/N

Type: Angst

The argument started out as simply as most did with Yoongi. He had awoken from what seemed like a day’s worth of sleep and you had mentioned grabbing a bite to eat. You understood his crazy schedules and advocated for him to get as much rest as possible, so you had offered to pick food up. You were his best friend and therefore wanted the best for him. That was until he found his feelings and quickly jumped within them.

“Do you think I’m not capable of getting my own food?” he grumbled moodily from the depths of his blankets.

You readjusted your stance against the door frame and rolled your eyes. “If it’s an argument you’re looking for...”

“Not looking for an argument,” he muttered. “I’m looking for a burrito. Possibly a lamb skewer.”

“There’s a place around the corner,” you nodded. “I can-”

“Why do you insist on treating me like a child?” Yoongi groaned, sliding his feet from his bed and rubbing a tired hand through his hair. “You aren’t my mother.”

“I wasn’t aware that the only person who genuinely cared about your well being was your mother,” you mumbled. “Not the worst comparison.”

“No, you nag,” he sighed, looking up at you. “It’s not like we’re dating or something. Why do you care so much?”

You closed your eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. You tried to give your friend the benefit of the doubt, assuming he knew when to stop himself.

“I’m just trying -” you began again, looking over to him, but were instantly cut off.

“You let people walk over you and then offer to do more for them,” Yoongi clucked, standing and shuffling to his dresser. “Even after they break your heart.”

Your breath caught as the words came from Yoongi’s mouth. You both didn’t have the best track records with each other, but in general knew of the lines that you couldn’t cross. You were aware of each other’s boundaries and knew when enough was enough. Yoongi had just chosen to break down the barrier you had both painstakingly built with one short sentence.

You and Yoongi had never begun as friends. You had started out as acquaintances as you were close with members of his group, but quickly fell for his cold ways. He had a strange tactic for flirting that captured your interests immediately. You fell hard and fast, confessing only a month after meeting. He had turned you down, settling for being your friend rather than anything more.

And you both quietly agreed to never speak of it again. For your dignity’s sake.

Until now.

Yoongi turned around, narrowing his eyes as you attempted to regain your composure. “I...”

“I think you’ve said enough,” you said quietly, biting your lip. You closed your eyes in an attempt to trap the tears from falling onto your cheeks. “Thanks, I get it.”

“Y/N...” he whispered, turning to face you and lean against the dresser. He moved as if it physically pained him to look at you, and you made note of it.

You backed up slowly and gripped the door handle as you exited the room, pulling it as quickly as you could manage. You flinched as the door to the bedroom slammed, a perturbed Yoongi on the opposite side. You hung your head, quietly whispering to yourself a confirmation that things would be alright, even if they seemed like they would never be again.

Yoongi should have known better, but so should you. Maybe he had a point. Maybe after your initial rejection, you should’ve let go instead of insisting of holding on.

You shook your head, shuffling down the hallway and out of the door, thankful that none of the other members were around to witness your hurt feelings. Almost as soon as you had the front door of the dorm closed, it was yanked open from your palm by a gasping Yoongi.

“Do you love me?” his voice rasped, barely higher than a breath. You blinked slowly, trying to fathom how he could have the audacity to ask such a question.

“No,” you said, your voice cracking with only one syllable. The words stung as they left your lips, a fallacy you had fooled yourself with for years.

“You should learn to lie better,” he hissed, stepping outside into the hallway as well. He let out a deep breath and leaned against the door.

“You should learn to respect unspoken promises,” you muttered, glaring at him.

“What do you mean?” he asked, tilting his head.

“You know exactly what I mean Yoongi,” you groaned. “I confessed to you years ago and when you said no, it was you who wanted to continue our friendship. When you saw I legitimately cared, you had no problem throwing it back in my face. Why? Why are you still friends with me?”

Yoongi cleared his throat and looked away. “Because I love you.”

You furrowed your brows, your jaw springing ajar. “Like...as a friend though?”

“Like...more than a friend,” he groaned, looking anywhere but directly at you.

“How could you...what do you even?” you stuttered, looking around wildly. A moment ago Yoongi was busy resurrecting the heart he had already broken to break it again, and now he was trying to show he had really cared all along?

“When you first confessed...our careers were only beginning,” he sighed, running a hand through his bangs. “I’m fundamentally selfish, I’ll admit...so I didn’t want to lose you completely. I was hoping somehow I could keep you here and wait for-”

Your smack was swift and hard against Yoongi’s cheek. You hardly recognized your own hand as you pulled it away.

“Alright,” he nodded. “I deserved that.”

Yoongi looked toward you, his eyes meeting yours for the first time since the entire argument had begun. “I was afraid to lose you...so I thought...maybe if we became friends.”

You shook your head, biting back the years worth of dejection. “I never realized how much of a coward you are.”

“Y/N,” Yoongi said with a wince. He pushed himself off of the door slowly and crossed the small space separating you both. You continued to shake your head, distancing yourself from him until your back hit the opposite wall. “Please.”

“No,” you choked. “I’m not doing this to myself Yoongi. You said it, I let people walk all over me and then offer to do more for them. You’ve lied to me...for years...just so you would keep me around for when you were ready. Maybe I’m not ready anymore?”

You let a sob rip through your chest. The constant contact with Yoongi had kept the wound fresh all of this time. What you had attempted to cover up with bandaids really needed stitches. You realized you would have never been able to move on while he was still such a permanent fixture in your life.

“Y/N,” he repeated. His hands hovered in midair, frozen with indecision. He finally swallowed an audible gulp and grabbed your arms, attempting to pull you into his chest.

“No,” you groaned, smacking him with closed fists. What first began as an attack to push him away slowly cascaded into a futile attempt of weak punches and crying.

“Shhh,” he cooed, pulling your face toward his sweater. You hiccuped as your ear pressed against him, his heartbeat sounding so foreign. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“Yeah,” you whimpered, your emotions numb. “Me too.”

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crumpledsilkskin-blog · 7 years

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NOVEL EXCERPT.(Chapter 4)

Tasha was right. The walk to the infirmary was a lengthy one. Made only more arduous by, collapsed trees, collapsed buildings and the scorching heat. It was around this time, I started to regret my choice in fashion. A jacket in a Caribbean climate,,most definitely could be added, to my list of bad decisions.

Tasha walked about ten paces behind me. She held the sheathed sword out in front of her. A constant warning, should any urges take hold of me.

“How much further?” I asked.

“Still a ways.” She said. I couldn’t see it, but I was sure she had a scowl on her face. “You just…keep your head straight.”

I groaned.We’d never get anywhere productive with her still afraid of me.”Nicolai,” I said.

“What?” She asked.

“My name…it’s Nicolai. Nicolai Warren. I realize I never gave it to you guys. That was very rude of me.”

“How do I know that’s not a lie?” she asked.

I stopped and took my wallet out of my pocket.” Here.” I said. I didn’t turn around to hand it to her. I just held my hand out and let her take it. I heard her riflingthrough it as she Hmm’d and Haw’d at all my cards.”Hey! I got two hundred dollars in there. Don’t play smart?”

“So you’ve got some cards in here that say you’re one person, but you might be another.”

I held my hands up and turned around slowly. “Ok mistrusting one another isn’t gonna get us anywhere.So how about we just…have a conversation.”

Tasha stuffed my wallet in her bossom and kept the still sheathed sword, pointed at me.” Fine, you go first.”

I sighed. “Ok umm, I’m twenty one. I love hoodies. I hate bad literature. My favourite food is bar-be-que chicken. I love robots and I hate cats.”

“Those are things that could be said about almost everyone.” She curled her mouth into a sarcastic expression and shrugged.”

Tasha wasn’t going to be satisfied with surface level information. I put my hands together and rubbed them. With a clap I pointed at her.

“Ok, you want personal.” I smiled.” That’s fine.” I nodded. “Ok so, ummm.I…I’m pansexual. I’ve had a heart condition since I was twelve.” I reached into my pocket and produced my near empty bottle of pills. “I have a personality disorder called B.P.D. It stands for borderline personality disorder.”

Tasha extended her hand toask for the pills and Ihumbly gaveit to her. Her eyes scanned the label, as if he was reading some hidden knowledge in an apocryphal text.

“These are…some pretty strong anti-psychotics,” she said.

I nodded. “They are. Most days I don’t need them but, every now and then a situation pops up.”

“So this—“She squinted at the label on the bottle. “Borderline. It makes you go psycho or something?”

I shook my head.” Not necessarily. The pills are more to protect me from me than they are to protect you from me.”

Her voice grew softer as she asked. “You’re suicidal?”

I sighed. “That’s not the general concensus for people with B.P.D. but…yeah. Sometimes I wanna sleep and never wake up.”

Tasha’s expression changed from frightened to worried. She slowly lowered the sword and handed the pills back to me.

“Why do you want to kill yourself?” She asked.

I winced.” Ooooh sorry but, you gotta hear at least five sob stories, before you unlock that level of friendship.”

She covered her mouth and tried not to laugh. This was what I hoped for. Tasha never struck me as a bad person. Ryan, for all my jealousy against him, trusted her.And I didn’t think someone like Ryan would make shit choices, in the people he surrounds himself with. He chose Nikki after all.

If the only hurdle I had to cross to gain her friendship, was my crass manner and unpredictable emotions, then all I’d do is kick it down with humor.

Tasha smiled and stretched her hand out for me to shake. “Tasha Danvers.” She nodded.

I shook her hand and said.” Pleased to meet you.” She seemed more relaxed as she retracted her hand. I’d neveractually see friendship bud in someones’ eyes before.”So! What’s your secret? Got two penises or something?” I laughed.

Her eyes opened wide before she glued her eyes to the ground. “Some…Something…Something like that?”

“Something like that? What do you mean? You have a dildo collection or something?” I laughed.

Tasha stayed silent. I should have known better. For how often I kept my eyes glued to my damn textbooks, I should’ve been able to tell the signs of embarrassment. The avoidance of eye contact. The nervous scratching of the skin. The pivoting back and forth. These were all the signs I knew that showed an uncomfortable person. Yet my bloody nonchalance caused me to miss them.

“I’m…”Tasha stuttered. She kept looking behind her, like she was getting ready to take off. “I’m not exactly, the prevalent version, of how you might see a woman.” Her voice had started to crack.

My eyes opened wide and it seemed like my heart stopped from the shear amount of shame.” Oh god are you…are you transgender?” She closed her eyes and nodded, but that didn’t stop the tears.”Hey, hey wait! Hang on. Don’t do that.”

“I’m sorry,” She said. She was still trying her best to hold in her tears but, that seemed fruitless once the sobbing started. “You know.You hear the jokes everyday.Over and over and you think…you think that you’re supposed to get tougher. You’re supposed to get accustomed to it. But you never do. The pain is always there and every time a new person—“She stopped and turned away from me. “I’m sorry just…give me a minute.”

“It’s ok you know,” I said. “I don’t have a problem with who you are.”

“Everyone says that!” She shouted. “Everyone wants to be the progressive friend, who accepts everything, and then they thnk about it. Or their other friends think about it for them!” She dried her eyes and pointed the sheathed sword at me again.” People will always find the easy way out and it’s easier to throw things away than sort them out.”

I spread my arms in advocation. “We just met. Is that what you think I’ll do? Run away because of your genetalia?”

“Why not!?” She shouted. She jabbed the sword into my stomach and said. “It’s what everyone else does.”

My hands dropped to my side.I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and clenched my fist. “I was raped!” I blurted out.

“W-What?” Tasha asked. Her voice was full of shock.

I opened my eyes. “When I was twelve…I was raped. A thrity two year old woman, drugged me and raped me, because her boyfriend stood her up and she needed a man to take it out on.”

Tasha squinted at me. She looked like she wanted to laugh, but at the same time, I guess she could see that,I wasn’t lying.”You…You were raped?” she asked.

“Yes,” I replied and stuck my hands in my pockets. “It’s not a nice memory to revisit. So please, don’t make me repeat it a third time.”

Tasha swallowed hard. She backed off and slowly lowered the sword. “You’re…You’re just a ball of issues aren’t you?”

I smiled. “Most definitely but, that’s part of being human isn’t it?”

She sighed. “Sometimes…I don’t feel too human.” She dropped the sword and sat on the ground. Tasha buried her face in her hands and started rocking back and forth. “Sometimes I don’t feel very human at all.

I shrugged and took a seat beside her. “Yeah well, you find that if you let it, the world will find all sorts of ways to take your humanity from you.”

She looked up from her hands and asked. “Why did you tell me all that? About your condition? About being raped?”

“I’m accustomed to being vulnerable. You looked like you weren’t. You strike me as someone who has alot of guards up,” I said. “For the right reasons of course.” I shrugged.

A warm smile came over her face. Tasha dried her eyes and laughed. “You’re…less of an asshole than I thought you were.”

“That’s good!”I smiled.”So where do I fall now? Jackass? Delinquent?” I snapped my fingers and pointed at her.”Oh! Oh! I always wanted to be a malcontent!”

She started laughing uncontrollably.”Where did you come from?”

I shrugged. “My moms’ vagina mostly but, she’s been known to lie. I’m sure there’s documentation somewhere, that validates me as a sentient turd.”

Tasha grew hysterical and had to take a minute to catch her breath.”I take it back. You are an asshole.”

I stood up and dusted myself off. “Ah well, Twas fun while it lasted.” I extended my arm to help Tasha up. She took it with a smile.

After she dusted herself off she said. “Thank you. Nicolai. It’s refreshing to be upfront with someone and not have them attack me.”

“Yeah well, people like to pretend to forget, that we’re all human.” I hadn’t noticed it before but, the shirasaya was still lying on the ground. I picked it up and offered it to Tasha.” But the beautiful thing about the truth is. Even if you don’t believe it, it’s still the truth.”

Tasha refused the sword and for a minute, I could have sworn she blushed. “You keep it.” She said. “I can’t use it anyway.”

“Alright then.”I said with a smile. I twirled the sword between my fingers and masterfuly slid it back into place, beneath my belt. “Well, that was catharthic. Let's never do that again huh?”

“Right!” Tasha nodded. Her gloomy and distrusting mood, changed to an upbeat one.

“Also can you lead the way? I think I’ve been leading us in circles for a good fifteen minutes,” I said.

“Sure!” she nodded happily. Then proceeded to walk ahead.

◊◊◊

It was a surprise to see the infirmary relatively untouched. There was a massive collapsed tree that fell just short of the entrance. From the looks of it, it seemed like the tree had taken two cars with it. It was unclear whether or not there were people still inside them, but for the most part, there didn’t seem to be any dead bodies.

Tasha and I slowly crept up the ruined sidewalk. Misshapen steel and broken glass carpeted the walkway that lead to an open emergency exit. The door seemed to be jammed open. You could seethe scratch mark on the concrete, where it dug itself in. No doubt from the sheer force it was flung open with.

Inside the infirmary was nothing but a long dark hallway. There wasn’t any power and the hanging light, made it look more like a cave than the inside of a building.

“I’m not going in there.” Tasha stated while she shook her head. “That looks like exactly the type of environment, black people in horror movies die in . You go.”

“What!?” I asked.”We’re both black. How exactly would I be spared if I went in?”

“You’ve got a sword, you can do things,” She said.

I sighed. “You know…following horror movie logic, you’d die first if you stayed out here right?”

“How do you figure?”

“Simple.” I shrugged. “You’re a woman. We’re not in a demon or a monster situation, which leaves us with a serial killer situation. And serial killers are anxious, repressed, devious motherfuckers. As far as horror movies go, he’d quicker get his rocks off gutting you, than he’d get killing me.”

“What about if the serial killer was a woman?”

“Oh that’s worse she’d kill us both—“

My words were interrupted, when I saw Tasha fall to the ground. She held her head and screamed, as blood trickled out from her newly acquired wound.

A young man with a bloodied branch stood over her. “Yuh fuckin bullerman!” He shouted. “Ah go kill yuh!”

He raised the branch over his head to bring it down again, but I grabbed his hand and headbutted him, hard enough to draw blood. I was never much of a violent person and for the most part, I never fought people.Yet…for some reason, I felt no pain from the headbutt.

Another branch wielding assailant appeared from the bushes and struck me on my back. He didn’t appear to choose a good branch and it broke as his hit landed.

“Wha de fuck!?” The bewildered man shouted. His jaw seemed perpetually dropped. His eyes darted between the broken branch and me.

I drew back with my right and uncocked a punch, square into his nose. I saw his eyes roll into his head before he collapsed to the ground. Again, I felt no pain from the assault.

“Ok, ok.” A familiar voice shouted. “Let’s not kill each other during first contact.”

I turned around to see a friend emerge from the bushes…No! Friend was much too good a word for what he was.

“Alvin!?” I exclaimed.

His eyes lit up and an elated grin plastered his face. “Hey Nogi. How the fuck are ya?”

#tw:rape #Original writing #Originalnovel #novel excerpt #Rewrite.#Transgender #POC

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positivepsychologyinterventions · 5 years

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Learning How to Set Boundaries with Strangers

“Boundaries aren’t about punishing. Boundaries are about creating safety for yourself.” – Sheri Keffer

The person sitting beside you at the bar keeps talking to you despite your obvious disinterest. The flirty Uber driver mentions—three times—how beautiful you are. Your cousin’s new boyfriend gives you a too-long hug with wandering hands.

In awkward situations with strangers, we tend to hope that non-verbal cues will be sufficient to set a boundary. We use silence, crossed arms, uncomfortable laughter, and glares to communicate discomfort. But some folks cannot—or will not—take the hint.

Here, we find ourselves at a crossroads: We can either set clear verbal boundaries or tolerate the uncomfortable behavior indefinitely.

For the longest time, I struggled to set boundaries in awkward situations with strangers. Throughout childhood, I was taught how to be kind, nice, and open-minded—but never how to have difficult conversations and advocate for myself. I worried that setting firm boundaries was mean, so I tolerated uncomfortable behavior in silence, which allowed the awkward situations to escalate even further.

Eventually, I realized that setting firm boundaries is a form of verbal self-defense. It is our responsibility to advocate for, and protect, our time and space.

My goal for this article is to demystify the process of boundary-setting and offer concrete suggestions of language you can use to be clear and direct. These are phrases I’ve crafted, edited, and re-crafted over years of boundary-setting practice. My hope is to help you make awkward situations as not awkward as possible.

Before we dive in, let’s get clear on five key principles for boundary-setting:

When we refuse to set a boundary, we prioritize other people’s comfort over our own needs. Setting boundaries is a courageous act of putting ourselves first. It’s a great way to break the people-pleasing habit and practice the art of self-care and verbal self-defense.

Difficult honesty is not unkindness. It’s not mean to stand up for yourself. It’s actually the most truthful and authentic way to interact with others.

You can manage your boundaries or manage other people’s feelings, but you can’t do both. The bottom line is, your boundaries might make people feel frustrated or resentful. That burden is not yours to bear. As the saying goes, “The only people who get upset about you setting boundaries are the ones who benefited from you having none.”

It’s not your job to protect people from feeling uncomfortable. Remember: the folks imposing on your space aren’t giving your comfort a second thought—so don’t twist yourself into knots trying to protect their feelings. As Registered Clinical Counselor Jordan Pickell says, “It makes sense for people to feel bad and weird when they have crossed a line.”

Safety first. If you ever feel unsafe or threatened, do whatever you need to do to get to safety. Don’t be a boundary-setting hero.

For consistency, the examples below use “Bob” as the generic name of our boundary-violator. However, folks of all genders, ages, races, etc., violate boundaries.

Certain suggested phrases are direct and firm. Others are lighter and playful. Experiment with the language to find the tone that works best for you.

Case #1: The Handsy Hugger

Maybe it’s an eager fan who approaches you after an open mic performance. Maybe it’s your step brother’s uncle who you see twice a year at family barbecues.

Handsy Huggers comes in many shapes and forms, but they all have one thing in common: they hug you for an uncomfortably long time with wandering hands.

My recommendation: In a scenario that runs the risk of uncomfortable physical contact, it’s better to avoid a hug altogether. Next time a Handsy Hugger approaches you, give yourself permission not to enter his outstretched arms. Hang back, offer a smile (or not), and when he looks at you quizzically, say, “I’m not in the mood for a hug today, Bob.” In the next breath, redirect the conversation to literally any other topic.

Case #2: The Flirty Uber Driver

I have been asked, by two separate Uber drivers, if I would consider marrying them. I’ve sat in the backseat as Uber drivers have commented on how much they liked my clothing and eyed me from the rearview.

When you’re in someone’s Uber, you can’t exactly escape to the ladies room. Some drivers will continue bantering with you even if you put headphones on and stare blankly out the window.

My recommendation: Depending on your mood, you can use a casual or direct approach.

Casual: “It’s been nice talking with you, but I’ve had a long day and don’t really feel like talking right now.”

Direct: “To be honest, your comments are making me uncomfortable. I’d prefer not to talk right now.”

(Note: If your rideshare driver makes you feel unsafe or threatened, report them through the app immediately.)

Case #3: The Non-Stop Texter

You meet a nice man named Bob at the bar or on a hike. You exchange numbers. Within hours, your phone begins buzzing. Bob asks you a litany of questions. He sends a greeting every morning. Throughout the day, your phone erupts with Bob’s favorite Youtube videos of tap-dancing cats.

You don’t reply, but your silence doesn’t deter Bob from sending text after text after text. You consider ignoring his messages wholesale, but you’re concerned that if you run into Bob in public, you’ll feel guilty and awkward.

My recommendation: Despite the rising popularity of cell phone boundaries, some folks seem to feel entitled to your time and space via your inbox. They’re not. You’ve got two options:

If you hope to keep this person as a friend but adjust how often you text, try this: “Bob, I like to have healthy boundaries with my phone and I’m not interested in texting this often. Next time we meet up, let’s have a conversation about our expectations for communicating when we’re not together.”

If you feel overwhelmed and want to cut the cord entirely, try this: “Bob, I’m not open to a friendship with you at this time. You’ve been reaching out a lot recently and I feel overwhelmed by it. I have no hard feelings toward you and I wish you the best.”

Case #4: The Person At the Bar Who Won’t Stop Talking To You Despite Your Obvious Disinterest

I like to write in my journal at bars. I’m a sober lady and I don’t drink, but I love feeling comfortably anonymous in a social atmosphere.

Despite my hunched posture, downcast eyes, and scribbling hand, many a barstool neighbor attempts to strike up a conversation with me. The first one or two questions are fine—a pleasantry, really—but often, my bar neighbor will continue on, chatting at me despite my obvious disinterest.

I can’t count the number of times I have diverted my eyes and offered muttered “uh huhs” and “yeahs” before throwing a twenty onto the bar and escaping into the night, feeling resentful.

My recommendation: Especially when alcohol might be involved, it’s best to set a firm boundary as clearly and directly as possible. Turn to your barstool neighbor and say, “I appreciate the chance to chat, but I don’t feel like talking right now.”

Case #5: The “Harmless Older Person”

Ah, yes. The older lady or gentleman who uses your age difference to justify being “harmlessly flirty” with you. Any of this sound familiar?

“If I was your age, I’d have swept you off your feet by now!”

“You’re a real beauty, you know that?”

“I just love the sight of a spry young man.”

“As my father used to say: Just ‘cuz you’re married doesn’t mean you stop lookin’.”

It doesn’t matter if the speaker is 20 or 200—if someone’s flirtation makes you uncomfortable, you have every right to shut that commentary down.

My recommendation: Keep it simple. Try this: “I know you’re trying to be kind, but please don’t make comments like that. They make me feel uncomfortable.”

Case #6: The Uninvited Mansplainer

There’s nothing quite like the particular fury of having a man 1) assume you know nothing about a certain topic because you’re a woman, 2) explain said topic authoritatively, indefinitely.

Merriam Webster defines mansplaining as “when a man talks condescendingly to someone (especially a woman) about something he has incomplete knowledge of, with the mistaken assumption that he knows more about it than the person he’s talking to does.”

Ladies, you might be familiar with mansplaining if you’ve ever bought strings at a guitar store, watched a sporting match, or discussed anything related to cars, electronics, or grilling. Opportunities for mansplaining abound.

My recommendation: Make it clear that not only do you know this information already, but you’d really like them to stop. Try this: “I’m really familiar with (insert topic here) and I don’t need any more information. Thanks anyway.”

Case #7: The Personal Space Invader

You’re standing on the subway, or in the check-out line, or at the club, and someone’s body is too close for comfort. Maybe it’s intentional, which is creepy. Perhaps they aren’t aware of the space they’re occupying. Regardless, you’re not enjoying their front near your back / the smell of their breath / their odor.

It’s time to set a boundary.

My recommendation: “Excuse me, could you please move back and give me some space? Thanks.”

Case #8: “Can I Have Your Number?”

You’ve been chatting with a stranger, Bob, for a few minutes. As he gets up to leave, he asks for your number. You’re not into it.

This circumstance tends to elicit boundary-white-lies, such as “Sorry, but I have a partner,” or “Oh, I don’t give out my phone number to strangers.”

I understand that white lies might be your most comfortable entry point into boundary-setting. I am, at heart, a boundary-setting pragmatist. That said, when you’re ready, experiment with a firmer approach. It might be scary, but it will certainly be empowering.

My recommendation: “I’ve enjoyed chatting with you, but I’m not going to give you my number. Have a nice rest of your day!”

Bringing Boundaries To Life

By now you’ve probably realized that, in each of the cases above, the words you can use to set boundaries are pretty straightforward. It’s actually saying them that’s the hard part.

With this toolbox of phrases in hand, you can bring these boundaries to life using three simple steps:

Step 1: Practice Boundary-Setting Aloud.

Many of us have never fathomed speaking up this directly. Our ability to boundary-set is just like any other skill: it takes time, effort, and practice.

In the comfort of your own home, practice stating your boundaries aloud. Get used to wrapping your tongue around the words. Consider standing in front of a mirror and using a firm, confident tone.

At first, it will be uncomfortable and strange—guaranteed. You may find yourself worrying about being “mean,” “rude,” or “harsh.”

These reactions are totally normal and totally surmountable. Practicing your boundaries alone makes them easier to retrieve when you’re feeling burdened by the tension of an uncomfortable situation.

Step 2: Role Play With Your Friends. (Yes, Really.)

Once you’ve developed an arsenal of failsafe boundary phrases, practice with a friend or two.

Give each other feedback. Tell your friend when she sounds overly apologetic. (“Stand in your power, girlfriend!”) Tell your friend when she’s sounding like a huge, mean jerk (“Okay, maybe take that down a notch.”) Have fun with it.

If you want to uplevel your boundary-setting game, ask your friends to push back against your boundary. (Psychologist Harriet Lerner refers to this as a countermove: a “change back!” reaction.) Practice re-asserting yourself in the face of annoyed reactions. This way, when you begin setting these boundaries out and about, it will feel natural and familiar.

Step 3: Practice.

As with all new skills, don’t expect perfection immediately. Your first few boundaries in the real world might be clunky, awkward, or embarrassing. Maybe you’ll speak too quietly and the offender won’t be able to hear you. Maybe you’ll boil over in rage and feel terribly guilty afterwards.

All of this is normal. Be patient with yourself as you strengthen your boundary-setting muscle.

P.S.: What About Silence?

Is silence ever an effective form of boundary-setting? To answer this question I like to refer to writer Courtnery J Burg’s take, which she published on Instagram this year. She writes,

“I’m all about boundary work. But sometimes the healthiest, best way to keep your sanity is to just walk away. To not respond. To not answer that text or that call. Sometimes the answer is no answer at all. This isn’t the same as avoiding. It’s acknowledging what is yours to carry + what isn’t. It’s remembering that not all situations must be handled with delicate gloves and deep, heartfelt energy. That occasionally, no response CAN BE your response and that you have nothing to feel guilty for and no one to explain yourself to for it.”

Generally, I advocate verbal boundaries because 1) they’re most effective, 2) I spent many years trying to be “good” and “quiet” and I’m rebelling, and 3) they’re a great way to practice your boundary-setting muscle. However, certain awkward situations with strangers are most effectively curtailed with silence.

As a rule of thumb, I use silence as a boundary with:

Catcallers. Silence or the middle finger tends to do the trick.

Strangers who message me insistently through social media. Most folks with public social media profiles will occasionally receive a deluge of creepy messages from strangers. Don’t engage. Block the account.

Arguers. Suppose I set a firm boundary and the stranger argues my point — asking me “Why?”, urging me to reconsider, etc. You do not owe a stranger any justifications or explanations. Your work is done.

With time, boundaries that once felt impossible or too-awkward to assert will be second-nature. By practicing this skill of verbal self-defense, you will give yourself the gift of moving confidently and powerfully through the world. You deserve it!

This post courtesy of Tiny Buddha.

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deangelo2073-blog · 5 years

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Read On The General Overview Of Divorce Laws About The Earth

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psychotherapyconsultants · 5 years

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Stigmatizing Narcissists & Narcissism: Are They the Secondhand Smoke of Our Time?

The thing about smoking cigarettes is that the behavior is something we wanted to stigmatize, in order to decrease its frequency in people. At its height in the 1950s and 1960s, 2 out of every 5 people smoked in the U.S. It’s a huge health hazard, decreasing lifespan and increasing health problems in smokers.

But smoking doesn’t just impact the person who smokes. Through decades’ worth of research findings, we now understand the smoking also affects the people around smokers, causing health problems and decreasing lifespans through secondhand smoke. Secondhand smoke, therefore, is also something people seek to stigmatize.

So I find it a bit curious and disconcerting when a well-meaning psychologist compares someone with a mental disorder to someone who smokes. And the people around them as suffering from secondhand smoke..

MedCircle and Dr. Ramani Durvasula recently released a video series focusing on narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). NPD is a mental disorder, specifically one of the ten personality disorders listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (2013). All personality disorders are long-term ways an individual has learned to understand and cope with the world around them with problematic, dysfunctional thoughts and behaviors. Narcissistic personality disorder is currently in vogue, given the popularity of social media that reinforce narcissistic behaviors.

Dr. Ramani Durvasula is a licensed clinical psychologist in Los Angeles who, among other things, does video series for MedCircle. The series caught my attention since it was entitled, “Narcissism: The ‘Secondhand Smoke’ of Mental Health.”

The idea is explained beginning around the 3:30 mark in the second video of the series (even though the first video is labeled “Secondhand smoke”).

Dr. Durvasula: And you know what, the pattern of narcissism is awful. They may be fine with it. But you, as a recipient of that pattern, it’s not… you’re going to struggle with it. It’s uncomfortable. It’s one of those patterns that’s really unhealthy for the people around it. I call it the “second-hand smoke” of psychiatry. Like being near a person who’s narcissistic, it’s as unhealthy as doing it yourself.

Klye Kittleson (the host): Whoa. That is a great metaphor. NPD is the second-hand smoke of psychiatry.

Dr. Durvasula: And I’d say, narcissism is the second-hand smoke of our time. You stand close enough to it, you’re going to get sick.

Kittleson: That’s a huge deal for people because somebody might not get the diagnosis, but they still have all of these toxic behaviors that are affecting you.

Dr. Durvasula: Oh, absolutely. And you know what, in some ways the diagnosis is irrelevant. All that’s doing is saying that the person is having problems because of it. But if they’re lying, manipulating, exploiting, raging at you, who cares if they have a diagnosis? That’s not good for you to be in the presence of.

Let’s break this down…

Is this an Accurate or Helpful Comparison?

As I mentioned in the introduction, there was a reason to target second-hand smoke — to help reduce deaths and serious health problems that shorten a person’s lifespan and quality of life. Stigmatizing those who smoke serves a very real public health benefit.

For a metaphor to be helpful (not to mention accurate), it should reflect the same kind of outcome. Are we going to save lives by doing it, or increase the quality of life not just for those who inhale the secondhand smoke, but for the smokers themselves? What’s the benefit or purpose of stigmatizing those who engage in narcissistic behaviors or have narcissistic personality disorder?

In the latter case, clearly that’s the last thing we want to do. You can’t cajole someone with a mental disorder into changing their behaviors because we label them as “toxic.” That’s not how psychological change works, especially for personality disorders.

It also goes against everything professionals and advocates are trying to do with helping people better understand mental disorders. We don’t want to demonize a specific disorder, or make it sound like people who have that diagnosis are bad people. Because they’re not. A person with narcissistic personality disorder is no better or worse than someone with clinical depression or schizophrenia. They are someone who often struggles with their thoughts and behaviors. It’s not all sunshine and roses for these individuals.

What About Stigmatizing Narcissism?

It’s less clear whether we should be seeking to stigmatize narcissistic behaviors — or what we generally just call narcissism. When such behaviors are so intricately intertwined and reinforced in modern social media usage, it’s hard to say where the line is anymore and when people are crossing it.

I’d also have to ask, would we also seek to stigmatize other symptoms of other disorders we find toxic, problematic, or unhealthy to others? For example:

Depression: “Jim’s always sad and it’s a bummer to be around him. Why do I need such people in my life? Every time I’m around him, I just feel down, too.”

Borderline personality disorder: “I can never tell whether I’m on Karen’s good side or bad side. She’s can flip on my in a second if she thinks I’m betraying her. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around her.”

Panic disorder: “We’re going out tonight with Louisa. I hope she doesn’t have another one of her freak-outs while we’re standing in line, it’s so embarrassing and upsetting to be around her!”

I could go on, but you see the point. Do we dump everyone from our life that’s struggling with a psychological, emotional, or mental health concern, just because they’re not always easy to be around?

What About Narcissistic Abuse?

Nobody should stay in a relationship that involves abuse of any kind, whether it be emotional, psychological, physical, sexual, or some other kind of abuse. Abuse, by definition, is harmful — cruel and violent — to the person on the receiving end of it. If the abuser can’t or won’t change, then it’s of the utmost benefit for the person who’s being abused to remove themselves from that relationship as soon as realistically possible. This may mean gathering resources and making a plan, with the help of friends, family, or a support organization.

All abuse is bad. Period. Describing the characteristics of “narcissistic abuse” can help a person identify what abuse might look like when someone is in a relationship with an individual with narcissistic personality disorder. It’s going to look different if a person is in a relationship with someone with borderline personality disorder, or antisocial personality disorder, or any other disorder.

But let’s be clear — not everyone with narcissism or narcissistic personality disorder engages in abuse. You’re not going to automatically get “sick” if you have a person with a personality disorder in your life.

Let’s Stop the Stigma

I’m all for awareness and better understanding setting good, healthy boundaries with people in our lives.

I’m against stigma, prejudice, and discrimination that is reinforced — even unintentionally — for any mental disorder or mental illness. Personality disorders are a form of mental illness and should not be held to a different standard or talked about in a way that makes it sound like those who have them are “toxic” people. It is helpful to leave judgments about people based upon their diagnosis at the door, especially if we are trying to help people understand and be empathetic to people with these problems.

Which isn’t to say that you shouldn’t be careful and aware if you’re in a romantic relationship, working relationship, or friendship with such an individual. You absolutely should be, just as you should be aware of all of your relationships and how others interact with you, keeping clear boundaries with each person as needed.

But a person with a personality disorder isn’t going to cause you to develop health problems or shorten your life. I find that comparing narcissism or narcissistic personality disorder to secondhand smoke to be hyperbole, and unhelpful in forwarding our understanding and ongoing conversations around mental illness.

Watch the video and share your thoughts in the comments:

youtube

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/stigmatizing-narcissists-narcissism-are-they-the-secondhand-smoke-of-our-time/

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ellenlucasonlinedatingblog · 6 years

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Defending Roe

When I saw the announcement that Supreme Court Justice Kennedy was retiring, paving the way for Trump to appoint another conservative extremist to the court, I got the hot, panic-anger feeling in my chest that I’ve come to associate with life under this administration. This adds to the growing threats already undermining reproductive freedoms and LGBQA protections in the U.S. The things that could happen if -- and unfortunately, but most likely, when -- Trump and his enablers in the legislative branch manage to get a new justice appointed make me ill every time I think about it.

In particular, it makes me worry about the future of Roe v. Wade, the landmark Supreme Court decision that legalized abortion nationwide in 1973. Trump campaigned on overturning Roe, and the last few years have seen major pushes by anti-choice organizations to restrict abortion access as much as possible. The possibility that we may see Roe overturned in the next few years is terrifying and also very, very real.

Roe was a hard-won and major victory for feminists and reproductive justice advocates. It’s since saved countless lives and given millions of people the chance to make the reproductive choices that were right for them, and it’s not gone yet. We cannot, and will not, let it go without a fight. Here’s what you can do to stop it from disappearing, to fight for our rights and to help protect yourself and others.

A World Before Roe: After about 1880, abortion was banned in the U.S. except in cases where it was needed to save a pregnant person’s life. We can’t be certain how many people died or suffered injury because of unsafe, illegal abortions, because many deaths were never officially attributed to unsafe abortion, but it may have been as high as 1.2 million annually by the 1960s. We know they happened, and we have accounts detailing the stress and danger people who got them faced. There are various accounts you can read, but a quote from this article is lodged in my brain, “It was a kitchen table, coat-hanger abortion. It took maybe six minutes. I got on the kitchen table. I think my stepmother gave me a drink of brandy or something, and she said, “Now this may hurt a little bit.” She held my hand and this woman stuck a piece of coat hanger into my vagina. And then my stepmother said, “Okay, now get dressed.” And what you were supposed to do was leave that in there until you started to abort. I remember walking out with this coat hanger between my legs.”

Read Up

We’ve been here before. As frustrating, aggravating, and disheartening as that may be, it does mean there are lessons we can learn from past struggles of pro-choice activists. A concise history of abortion access and activism can be found at Our Bodies, Ourselves. Jane: The Legendary Underground Feminist Abortion Service by Laura Kaplan is also an excellent read for those looking to brush up on feminist abortion activism.

It also helps to familiarize yourself with more recent trends in abortion restriction. If we understand how those trying to criminalize abortion operate, it’s easier to work together to counter those actions. NARAL offers a look at the different ways anti-choice groups and leaders have been working to limit abortion access and how they’ll likely escalate. There is also a legislative tracker produced by Rewire to help you stay informed about anti-choice legislation in your state.

Plan Ahead

Right after Trump was elected, there was a rush of people who could get pregnant getting IUDs or contraceptive implants installed. The thinking is that since these methods are long-acting, they can outlast an administration that would ban abortion and restrict access to contraception. If that option of pregnancy prevention sounds good to you, you’ll want to have that conversation with a healthcare provider sooner rather than later.

Plan B, a form of emergency contraception, has a shelf life of four years. We generally recommend having a pack or two of EC on hand anyway if you or your friends are sexually active, because then it’s right there within easy and fast reach if anyone needs it. If you’re unsure where or how to get EC in your area, this guide can help you find it so you can stock up. If Roe is overturned and abortion is banned in most places, having access to medication that can prevent a pregnancy in the first place will be incredibly useful.

If you’re sexually active (or planning on being so), now is an extra-important time to develop a plan for what to do if you or a partner becomes unintentionally pregnant and abortion is your desired option. A major component of that plan will include developing some kind of savings that can be used to cover medical and transportation costs. Those transportation costs are very important if you live in a state that doesn’t, or isn’t likely to, protect abortion access, because you will probably have to cross state lines in order to access care. Other factors to think about would be: who you could go to for support in this situation (friends, family, etc.); what kind of support you’d need from them (money, emotional support, transportation, help in recovery); and how you’d get to a service that required you to travel. Even if you’re someone who’s in a relationship where pregnancy can’t happen (for instance, if you and your partner both have vaginas), you can still make a plan like this. You may not need it, but if you have friends who might you’ll have a plan in place in case you need to help them get an abortion.

Four Reproductive Rights Under Threat In Addition to Abortion • Birth Control: If Roe falls, or if an anti-choice majority controls the Supreme Court, access to contraception is at stake. The interpretations of privacy laws that informed the original decision on Roe were also used to grant access to contraception in a different court ruling, so whatever logic is used to overturn Roe could be used there as well. The court may also hear challenges to providing or covering contraception by religious hospitals and health care providers. • Parental Rights: Conservative activists and judges have already made decisions stating that “religious rights” trump anti-discrimination status, especially when it comes to queer and trans people. A big fear is that the rights of queer parents (or queer people how want to become parents) will be dismantled under the new court. • Queer and Trans Rights: Justice Kennedy was the deciding vote on the decision to legalize same-sex marriage. If a Trump appointee takes that seat, that decision could be challenged and overturned. Cases involving trans peoples’ rights in workplaces, schools, and healthcare settings are all likely to come before the Supreme Court soon, and a conservative court is likely to rule in ways deeply harmful to trans people. • Parental Separation: The horrific treatment of families trying to enter the U.S has, rightly, already generated several lawsuits attempting to secure humane treatment for refugees and undocumented immigrants. If those cases come before a conservative leaning court, they are likely to uphold the Trump administration’s inhumane, racist policies. Meaning for some people in this country, they will not even have a right to care for their children or even know where their children are.

Show Your Support

If you’re one of the seven out of ten Americans who supports abortion access, now is the time to show it. If there are pro-choice marches or protests targeting the inevitably anti-choice Supreme Court nominee and you are able to attend, I encourage you to do so. There are people in power who are framing abortion as something unpopular, as something the average American wants gone. The more we can demonstrate that’s not the case, the more ability we have to sway people who are on the fence about the issue.

Protesting or marching is one effective form of activism, but it is not one available to everybody for reasons including disability, immigration status, or belonging to a demographic where police contact isn’t a risk you can afford. If marching isn’t an option for you, there are other equally valuable ways you to be involved. For example, you can try having conversations with the people in your life about why you support abortion access. You can find counterpoints to common anti-choice arguments at URGE. You can also get involved with online actions including blogswarms, Twitter chats, and outreach events.

Contacting your senators, who will be casting votes in the confirmation hearings for the new justice, and voicing your opinion about the Supreme Court nominee can be extremely helpful as well. 5calls provides scripts that can be used to call or write your senators, and Resistbot helps people quickly write their senators. Show your senators that you are paying attention to what they do and will hold them accountable if they contribute to the dismantling of Roe.

Shore-Up State Protections

If Roe is overturned, access to abortion will depend on state guidance, as was the case in the decades prior to Roe v Wade. In some states, overturning Roe will actually trigger an abortion ban, while others explicitly protect access to abortion. If the last two years under this administration has taught us anything, it’s that we need to prepare for the worst. That means focusing not only on removing anti-choice politicians at the national level but also at the state level and replacing them with people who understand the importance of reproductive choice. That means supporting and voting for candidates with those values.

Steps to take include: • Register to vote if you haven’t already done so. Then vote every chance you get, in every election you can. • Read up on state and local candidates to see which ones are pro-choice. Both #VoteProChoice and NARAL have guides to help you do just that. • If there’s a candidate running in your area who pledges to protect abortion access and other reproductive rights, see if there is a way you can support their campaign. That said, being pro-choice doesn’t mean a candidate is perfect. For instance, you may find you agree with a candidate about reproductive issues but their stance on racial justice is lackluster. There are ways you can navigate that situation that don’t leave you feeling like you’re forced to choose between two issues that matter to you. If you’re involved in a campaign, you could press the candidate and to explicitly address a race issue or consider ways that they could take intersectional approaches to issues. Or you may find it works best for you to support that candidate while also supporting organizations that excel where that candidate falters.

Support Abortion Access & Advocacy Groups

There are already many grassroots groups on the ground doing the work to ensure that everyone, regardless of location or economic status, has access to abortion. Some do that by helping people fund their abortions. Others work the policy angle, advocating for better reproductive health access and pushing back against anti-choice legislation. If you have a few dollars to spare, you can donate to support the work these organizations do (abortion fund organizations almost always reach their monthly funding limits well before the end of the month, leaving some clients without the funds they need to access care).

If you don’t have funds to donate, or doing so would tip off parents who wouldn’t support your actions, you can still help these organizations out by fundraising. Hosting bowl-a-thons is a popular abortion resource fundraiser, but you can choose an activity that works for you be that bake sales, car washes, or donkey basketball.

You can also volunteer with these organizations. Depending on the needs of the specific organization, that could include driving people to appointments, making phone calls, fundraising, etc. As with funds, every little bit of time you can contribute helps.

Organizations you can support include: • National Network of Abortion Funds (includes links to state resources you can support) • NARAL Pro-Choice America • National Abortion Federation • Center for Reproductive Rights

Even if we each take as many of these steps as we can, it might not be enough. But I believe, deeply and truly, that we must try to save Roe. For the sake of ourselves and the sake of future generations, all of whom deserve a world in which they have full reproductive rights. I have never known a world without Roe. For a long time I saw it as something stable, a protection of my rights and autonomy that couldn’t be taken away. I was wrong about that, but I don’t think it’s wrong to say we aren’t powerless to save it. We will do what we can, and if Roe is overturned we will find new ways to work together to help each other and fight until we have reproductive justice for all.

abortion

roe v. wade

politics

reproductive rights

abortion access

birth control

emergency contraception

activism

legislation

history

pro-choice

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brainfoodgp · 7 years

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Brain Food Garden Project Blog March/2017

“Close some doors. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because they no longer lead somewhere.” –Author Unknown-

We have all heard the popular saying “April showers brings May flowers”, and after our recent late winter snowstorm I must admit I am rather looking forward to the April rains and even more ready for some beautiful May flowers!

March also has a saying, far less familiar to many, “March roars in like a lion and goes out like a lamb.”, an apt description for the month because it truly has roared in like a lion for me and in very exciting ways.

I was recently selected to be local news channel NY1’s Queens Person of the Week. They have taken an interest in the garden club I started as a mental health peer advocate at the ACMH affordable housing apartment building as well as my passion project Brain Food Garden Project. The segment will tape and air sometime in May

I am also happy to announce that I recently had a very productive partnership meeting with Toby Sheppard Bloch General Manager of Intervine a division of the HOPE Project and Sustainable South Bronx. As well as with Kate Bakewell founder of Brook Farm Group. I am looking forward to sharing more with everyone as these new partnerships develop. Everyone can stay up to date on all our latest news by joining one of our many social media platforms.

Over the past several months I have been thinking a lot about the concept of “closure.” Some people believe that it is an elusive idea at best, others that the idea of closure is pure myth. My feature this month delves in to how the concept of closure affects us all in regard to our mental health. My book of the month section “What I’m Reading” is back with one of my favorite studies of interest. I of course offer up five new news stories in “Notes From The Resistance” And the recipe of the month takes us into the kitchen with one of my favorite brain foods—cauliflower.

Whatever you may personally believe about the concept of closure. One thing that this month has definitely taught me is that when one door closes other doors truly do open. We just need to be brave enough to walk through when we see them standing wide open.

The BFGP Feature:

Closure and Mental Health

If you had asked me two years ago how important it was for me to have closure in all of my relationships for my mental health? I would have said, “very, very important!” I guarantee you that I am not the only person with a mental health concern that feels this way. I also wouldn’t be far off in saying that for many of us it even plays a large part in our recovery story, and yet so many of us never actually get to see closure brought to fruition. Research studies have shown that when people feel like they need closure but are not able to cognitively, they have poor mental health outcomes: clinical depression, manic/depressive cycling etc.

There are many blogs out there explaining and offering steps on how to reach closure, like it were some sort of Nirvana. Just as many writers also seem to enjoy telling people why closure is a myth and why it is a promised land never to be reached! I have learned that much like all things in life the answers fall somewhere in the middle. I am not going to be offering you any tips today. I just thought I would share some interesting conversations, and how they have helped me gain a better understanding of the concept of closure adding to my own lived experience.

Athena (not her real name) was a wonderful friend for many years. We even lived together at one time. It was before I was diagnosed, so trust me if our friendship survived that—she even hung in there during both of my hospitalizations and was a loving part of my support system. Please don’t misunderstand me our friendship wasn’t one sided it was definitely a two way street. For example, when she moved to Miami in hopes of changing her life’s direction. I was always there to pick up the phone when she was plagued with self-doubt or having an emotional breakdown and needed my ear. So we were there for each other.

When Athena started “ghosting” me, by the way this is the hip new term all the cool kids are using that I just learned. The word is used to describe the silent treatment one gets, causing you to question the validity of any relationship you have with a person right before their silence becomes permanent.

I allowed myself the time to heal that many of the self-help blogs suggest. Only to continue having nagging questions eat away at me as to why, after so many years, I suddenly was so expendable. Was it because of the new boyfriend that was a huge part of her new life in Virginia? Was I not supportive enough of that or a myriad of other things. Or was it that she was just tired of the cancerian drama that always seems to follow us. I know it sounds silly, but her sister is also a zodialogical cancer and she cut her out of her life as well, so as insignificant as it may sound it was a thought that crossed my mind. The truth of the matter is I will never know because she never returned any of my calls.

A conversation I recently had with a good friend going through a similar experience made a good point in reference to her old friend from collage that ghosted her. It really doesn’t have anything to do with us, it merely shows that they don’t have the courage to deal with the discomfort of their own emotions or ours.

Sociologist and writer Nancy Berns believes that closure is a socially constructed concept. She points out that it is a tool created during the self-help craze of the 80’s and that it is now used today by everyone from funeral directors to politicians to sell us a “new emotion.”

And what if therapists are right that argue instead of finding closure, which may never be possible, it is better to find meaning, even if there is no final “end.”

I recently had a dinner meeting with a fellow friend, and mental health peer advocate. As we walked to the subway we had an interesting conversation about a friendship of hers that was getting back on track but that had bordered on her being ghosted. She explained that the friend (we will call her Emily) had difficulty dealing with their friendship whenever she was going through a mental health crisis. And that if Emily wanted to end the friendship she wished she would just tell her because closure was very important to her.

I don’t know a fellow peer that haven’t lost friendships due to our diagnosis and the behavior our individual diagnosis sometimes cause. However, as my friend continued and I asked her why she felt having closure was so important to her the answer she gave was revelatory and the “meaning” I think all of those therapists hoped for.

She explained that the reason had to come from all the years as a child, the daughter of an international journalist, moving around so much and being pulled from school to school having to leave all of her friends behind over and over again. All I can say is with that statement fireworks went off in my head!

What she inevitably did for herself, maybe without even realizing it was to reframe the idea of closure into a more substantive less esoteric concept. She in essence found the reason why her need for closure was so important to her, and what it made me understand was that I needed to find my own reason too. I was starting to think that trauma might be the reason for our incessant need to obtain closure in some instances.

After several weeks I was able to pinpoint that my years of craving closure whether from a job, a friendship or a boyfriend had nothing to do with them and everything to do with me.

Worrying about why Athena ended the friendship or why Barbara stopped returning my calls after my second hospitalization paled in comparison to why it mattered so much. I came to realize experiencing the ultimate abandonment from my parents as a teenager when they disowned me for being gay at 19 was more traumatic than I had ever realized. I felt abandoned and to this day still do in many ways by the two people in this world that should have loved me unconditionally. What that realization gave me was something tangible and concrete I can work on.

I don’t have time to worry anymore about the reasons why Athena doesn’t like me or the wonderful closure that will come from her one day when I call and she picks up the phone for some heartfelt fantasy conversation that will never happen. It made me think of what Dr. Frank Ochberg says: “Closure is a myth but progress is not.”

Finally, I was on the phone with another good friend the other night when she said, I had some wonderful closure today at work. I was intrigued. She shared the story of running into a former boss of hers from a former job she really loved. He was consulting on a new project she is partly responsible for opening. They had a private moment with each other and she looked at him and said, I really loved my job working with you and I just wanted to tell you that if so many things in my private life had been better I wouldn’t have reacted to some of the difficult workplace situations the way I did, I’m sorry I really loved working with you. When she finished her story we had a long conversation about “closure.” At one point I said to her that that moment she had with her former boss that provided her closure couldn’t have been manufactured. And she said, “Yes, closure if one is able to find some must come organically I truly believe that.“I couldn’t have said it better myself.

What I’m Reading:

I have been fascinated with human gut microbiome for some time now. The new scientific discoveries that our brain isn’t this mega machine that operates solely on its own but is influenced even controlled by the balance of good and bad bacteria in our guts, is in my estimation, the wave of the future in controlling depression and other mental health concerns. This research will continue to prove the foods we chose to eat directly affects our brain health.

Giulia Enders book Gut: The Inside Story of Our Body’s Most Underrated Organ was a revelation and answered questions like, What’s really up with gluten and lactose intolerance? And How does the gut affect obesity and mood? Enders' writes in a crisp, clean and relatable style that a neophyte such as myself was fully able to comprehend and the drawings by Jill Enders are fun and humorous.

Notes From the Resistance:

So the fascist authoritarian state failed to pass their new repeal of the ACA a great victory largely won by the American people standing up and speaking out. However, with every victory there are more attacks coming from the fascist behind the Resolute desk. It was just announced that the Dakota pipeline is full steam ahead and every day new horrors await. These were some of March’s top news stories from the resistance.

1. Some things you should know about our new Secretary of Agriculture… Click Here

2. If you thought Tim Murphy was a true champion for mental health care think again…Click Here

3. The fascist authoritarian’s racism extends to the EPA…Click Here

4. The fascist’s budget plan will only contribute to further destroying our environment…Click Here

5. The fascist’s cuts to nutritional assistance programs will greatly affect the health of one of our greatest resources—our seniors…Click Here

Healthy & Delicious Recipes:

I never have enough cauliflower recipes in my collection it is one of my favorite brain foods and this recipe for Lisa Oz’s Indian Spiced Cauliflower recipe is simple to prepare and is awesome chilled the next day for lunch…so make extra!

Indian Spiced Cauliflower

· 1½ cup walnuts

· 4 Tbsp. olive oil

· 1 head cauliflower, broken up into small florets (about 1½ pounds)

· ½ tsp. chili powder

· 1 tsp. turmeric

· 1 Tbsp. garam masala

· ¼ tsp. cayenne pepper

· 1¼ cups vegetable stock

· 3 Tbsp. tomato paste

· ¼ tsp. kosher salt

Directions

Total time: 35 minutes

Preheat oven or toaster oven to 350°. Spread walnuts on a sheet tray and toast until fragrant, 6 to 8 minutes. Cool, then roughly chop and set aside.

In a medium skillet, heat olive oil over medium-high heat. Lightly brown cauliflower, stirring frequently, then remove from skillet and transfer to a bowl. Add chili powder, turmeric, garam masala, and cayenne pepper to the hot pan and toast lightly, about 30 seconds. Immediately add the vegetable stock, tomato paste, and salt; mix well. Stir in cauliflower and simmer for 2 minutes. Garnish with ground walnuts and serve.

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