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teyamsatan · 1 year

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Illicit Affairs | Chapter VIII: My Tears Ricochet

Pairing: Neteyam x Human/Avatar!Reader

Chapter I Chapter II Chapter III Chapter IV Chapter V Chapter VI Chapter VII Chapter IX Chapter X

Synopsis: All secrets are revealed and both you and Neteyam have to live with the consequences of your actions.

Warnings: pure angst, mentions of death, mental illness, addiction, self-injury, limited mentions of Y/N, did i mention angst, angst and more angst?

Word Count: 10,3k words (the first couple chapters were 3k, how did we get here??!)

A/N: This chapter killed me a little inside. I cried multiple times writing it, so I guess fair warning. I wanted really badly to build strong, round characters who had flaws and strengths and strong reasoning for acting a certain way/doing certain things. I wanted to write this story from both character's perspective, so it is clear that in life, each person will think they are right, that their reasoning was the correct one, when in reality, we are all a little right and a little wrong in everything we do, and it is always worth trying to see things from the other's perspective. We are coming towards the end of this first series, so I hope you enjoy this chapter and the rest of this journey. As always, thank you so much for everyone who engaged with it, I loved reading ALL of your comments and replies, they really make my day.

(Also, I feel like I am playing my own little game of "how many Taylor Swift and OG Avatar lyrics/quotes/references I can reasonably fit in a story without it being obnoxious" and I can't tell if I'm winning or not.)

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace Cause when I'd fight, you used to tell me I was brave And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake? Cursing my name, wishing I stayed Look at how my tears ricochet

You registered the girl asking you if you were alright, but you couldn’t see in front of you, the entire room spinning like the inside of a mirrorball. You felt your body rise from where it was sat next to Neteyam’s, and shakily made your way out. Neteyam’s mate. Neteyam’s mate was next to you, asking you if you need help. It all got too much, and you lunged your body forwards and threw up on the ground next to your tent. You were panting, trying to somehow get a grasp on your mind and push the hurt aside, enough so you can see and hear the world around you.

“I’m fine. Thank you.” you manage to blurt out weakly.

You heard more commotion, and faintly made out Jake’s voice and his arm on your shoulder, trying to bring you back to them.

“Neteyam, what the hell happened?”

You didn’t hear Neteyam speak. He was quiet and you were glad. You didn’t want to hear his voice, not now, and not for the rest of your life.

The world came back to focus eventually, and you spit aggressively trying to get rid of the taste of acid in your mouth. You removed Jake’s hand from your back, and left. The thought of speaking or even looking at any of them was too much to bear. You ran, harder than you ever had before, back to where you just came from, the Ikran nest in the village. You immediately recognised your own, beautiful, gold and white, pure, unlike the rest of this world. Neyn (light colours, shades of white)… fitting name, you thought. You made the tsaheylu quickly, and without a second thought, took off.

FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF STAGE III: DEPRESSION

You had no thoughts as you flew above the forest and made your way towards the general direction of the Hallelujah mountains. You realised you didn’t know where you were going, you didn’t know how you were going to find your way back, but it didn’t matter. Were you even going to ever return? There were no tears, no sadness, just emptiness. The pieces of your heart broke so finely they turned into dust, blown away in the wind of the night. Eventually you found the mountains, easy enough to spot, even in the darkness, the fluorescent flora marking the territory with an easy-to-see glow. You flew like this, for enough time that your lungs were running out of breath and your skin felt battered by the wind, but you kept going. You felt so free, so weightless. There was a calmness to your thoughts that you haven’t felt in years, probably since your mother died.

You saw a distant mountain that looked brighter than the others, and you made your way to it and were amazed to find a little cave in it, bright and colourful, a little piece of heaven on a planet that was heaven in and of itself. Neyn landed softly on the edge of the mountain and you dismounted effortlessly and approached her head, giving her pets on her neck, to which she cooed gently. She was the only friend you had, you realise. You were all alone.

“Neteyam, what happened?”

Neteyam was dragged in the tent by his dad, who was fuming. No matter what feelings his dad was feeling, they couldn’t compare to Neteyam’s anguish and terror. Why the hell was she there? She just had to wait another couple of hours and this would have never happened.

“She was patching my wound up when Tiongli came in the tent, announcing to the world she is my mate. Said mother told her about my injury.”

“Don’t you dare blame this on your mother, boy.” the Sully patriarch’s nose was flared, eyes looking at him intensely with anger and disappointment. Neteyam’s eyes filled with tears, and he felt his heart hurting so much like the gash was there instead of his arm.

“I was going to tell her tonight, dad. After dinner. I was going to tell her everything, and I was going to ask her to be my mate. I was going to come to you both and ask you to undo the engagement. I understand that a year and a half ago I gave up on her, I did it for a reason, I thought there was no future for us, and that we were hurting each other. But things have changed. She has changed. She’s going to be one of the people soon and I want her to be mine.”

“Neteyam, you can’t undo the engagement. You have known Tiongli your whole life, her family’s been expecting this since you were both young. You gave your word before Eywa, son.”

“I love her, dad. Do you understand that? I have loved her all of my life. It killed me having to leave, it killed me knowing there was no future, because she was human. But she’s not just human anymore. I was willing to go through with this for the sake of the village, for the sake of the family and the future, but if there is any chance I can have the love of my life by my side, instead, I will cling on to it for dear life. Mother was betrothed to uncle Tsu’tey, and she gave that up for you. It was done before Eywa, and she didn’t care. Because she loved you and she knew that was enough. She gave up being Tsahik, her birth right, so she can have you. I will not give up on her, dad. Mother wouldn’t have given up on you.”

“I have to find her. I have to make this right.”

You were sprawled on your back, feeling goosebumps form along your limbs from the cold grass. You were staring at the sky, noticing the bright stars you now knew were actually bright death sentences, each of them beautiful and devastating. Will you even still be alive when they come? Will everything you have gone through these few months matter? Will everything you have gone through in this life matter? All the pain, and the hurt, and the grief, just so you can die at 18 from a virus. The universe was cruel, you thought. It was a fitting end, though. Meaningless and daft, like your entire life was. Born on a planet you were not made to be able to survive on, your real planet a long-forsaken dream you will never experience for yourself, surrounded by nature that could kill you in an instant. Alone, never fitting anywhere, orphaned by human diseases: cancer and greed. Left to fend for yourself when you were just ten, learning to navigate a life that only seemed to want to clobber you to the ground whenever you thought you finally could stand up again.

There was no light at the end of the tunnel, not anymore. You wanted to fight for something, for the chance at life, or at retribution, or at love. You were dying and Neteyam killed whatever hope remained in you. They all did. Norm, Max, Jake, Neytiri, Lo’ak, Kiri, Spider, all accomplices, all aware, all willing to lie to your face for weeks with no remorse. You thought you were good at spotting liars, now you just knew how little you knew about everything.

The pain in your soul mirrored the one in your body, as you felt the morphine wearing off and your human body struggling to keep the mind steady for the link. You had to bear it, because this pain was more manageable than the one you knew waited for you in your human form, when you would be alone in a dark room with only your nightmares to keep you company.

With a sigh and a peer up at the sky, you hoped whatever comes after death was better than the hell you’ve lived in the majority of this life.

Neteyam waited the whole night in your tent, waited for you to come back, becoming increasingly worried as the hours passed and you didn’t show. He wanted to go and look for you, but knew that as soon as you got on your ikran, the chances of finding you were thin. He would go to the lab as soon as dawn broke, but for now, he was praying that you would just burst through the tent opening so he can talk you down.

He fucked up, badly. He cringed at the thought of how much he seemed to not be able to get anything right when it comes to you. Everything he did or didn’t do ended up hurting you more, the only thing he didn’t want, the only thing in the world he continuously tried to avoid.

He was consoled by the fact that he would have a lifetime to make it up to you. He will not give up trying, no matter how long, no matter how hard, he was determined to win you back and keep you, forever.

As you made it back to your human body in the early hours of the morning, you regretted waiting so long, as your body was in indescribable agony, the likes with which you didn’t know was possible for the human body to ever experience. Your heart was beating a mile a minute, you were sweating bullets and every bone and muscle in your body throbbed with enough intensity to make it almost impossible for you to get up from the pod. Everyone must be asleep at this hour, you thought. You had to make it to your bed, you had to get at least a couple of hours of rest if you were going to live to see another day. As if you were taking the Iknimaya again, you made your way form the lab to the medical ward and injected another dose of the morphine in your system. There was no going back now, you were too far down the rabbit hole to stop and why put yourself through more unnecessary pain when this will all be over in a few days anyway?

You crashed in your room for a few hours and quickly made your way back to the pod before anyone else was there to talk to. You started the linkpod by yourself and got in without hesitation.

Waking up in your Avatar body was a strange experience, as you were still in the Hallelujah mountains where you fell asleep last night. Neyn did not leave you, you noted, and she was peacefully resting next to you, cooing softly in her sleep.

“Hey, beautiful girl. Time to go back. It would be useful if you knew the way.” you pet her gently, trying not to disturb her. She woke up and pushed her snoot in your chest, and you felt it swell for this animal that you had an unbreakable bond with; you were grateful you had done the Iknimaya and at least gained a life companion from that horrible day.

As suspected, Neyn knew where to take you, and in about an hour you made it back to the village. You dreaded it, dreaded the inevitable interaction, but you knew you had to go back at some point and inform them of your whereabouts.

It was still early, so the village wasn’t quite bustling with energy yet. You quietly made it back to your tent, which you found empty. You grabbed your bow and arrows, knife and gun and a couple extra magazines. You didn’t know if you were going to be back. As you were making your way out, your head bumped into a large, muscular chest.

Fuck.

“Where the hell were you all night, kid? None of us slept a wink last night worrying.”

“Out.”

“What the hell do you mean out? Out where? You leave without telling, you don’t come back the whole night, do you have a fucking death wish?”

You laughed at the irony of his words. He caught your arm as you were walking away and pulled you back forcefully so you can face him.

“You are not going anywhere.”

“Let go.” Jake raised a brow at your words. He was not used to being spoken this way, you realise.

“How long?”

His grasp on you loosened, and his gaze softened when you peered up at him through eyelashes to which tears clung.

“How long has this been going on?”

“Kid…”

“How fucking long, Jake?”

He let go of your arm at your curse, which had never been directed at him before.

“Watch your tone, kid.”

“You made me feel like shit for learning to shoot guns without you. It made you feel bad, right? Knowing I purposefully left you out of something you could have been useful at, something we could have bonded over? I hurt you, by pushing you and Neytiri away for so many years, and I am sorry for that, but you have never, in your life, tried to understand me. So you gave me shit about something you didn’t understand, and I hurt so much inside at the thought of all I gave away by my reluctance to trust, to love, to let people in. So I changed. I let you in. I was here, everyday, acting like a perfect little daughter for you, the daughter I knew you wanted. Strong, capable, skilled. I let Neytiri in. I started calling her mum in my dreams, and although the guilt for my own mother gnawed at my insides silently, I was also relived, to finally have a family again, or for the first time.

You made me love you and break down these carefully constructed walls so you can be comfortable and sleep well at night for not breaking your promise my mum, and then you fucking stabbed me in the back.

I trusted you, Jake. You fucking lied to my face for months. Every time I asked where Neteyam was at dinners and you told me he was practicing, every day you plotted to get me out of the village as early morning as humanly possible and get me back after everyone else was fast asleep, I knew it in my heart you were lying, but you were all so good at it, I thought I was going crazy. But no, it was all a carefully planned ruse to not find out you made me come here and be part of the people just to watch the man I love belong to someone else without even a chance to decide for myself how to feel about it.”

The fight brought out the rest of the Sully family out of their tent, and they were all watching you now, concern and sadness displayed across their beautiful faces.

“You all lied to me. Looked me in the fucking eyes and lied to me, every day, multiple times a day. You were supposed to be my family.

The humans are coming. I will be here. I will stand and fight, you know I will. I will be your little soldier, and be who you made me into.

But I want to make this perfectly clear. As far as I am concerned, you and I, we are done. I am done.” You looked at every Sully one last time, and left.

You were no longer delightfully numb, but burning with anger and earth-shattering sorrow as you stalked away from the village, leaving everything behind. Your eyes were blurry with endless tears, mourning this life and this family that you managed to gain and lose within the span of a few weeks, reeling from the wounds within your heart that never had a chance to mend before being opened again, over and over. You didn’t want to go back to the lab, knowing Neteyam was most likely looking for you there. You couldn’t go to the clearing for the same reason. You had no home anymore, no place in this world, once again. You could only think of one place to go, one place where no one would ever look for you.

Your knees were shaking furiously as you walked, and you were scared of another flashback that you would have to ride out by yourself, but it never came. You just walked, crying and panting from all the pain the last 24 hours brought, and eventually you made it to a place you never thought you would ever see again. The clearing looked peaceful, with rays of light penetrating through tree branches, creating Mandalas on the ground that you found yourself tracing with your eyes.

In the corner, lay a decrepit exo suit, and you made your way to it, settling on the ground next to it. You knew now this exo suit belonged to your dad, and you removed some vines that grew on top of his name, Gideon Barlowe. A beautiful name, you thought, and your mind wandered to the past, a past way before you were even born, and wondered what your grandparents did back on Earth. Did they encourage their son to leave his own planet in pursuit of planetary colonisation, monetary gain and murderous acts? Did they know? Did he know? Was he like that his whole life, or did he start off fighting the good fight, and was corrupted by the jagged and monstrous lifestyle? You wondered if this was what he has always dreamt of doing, or he had secret dreams of being a painter, or a gardener. Did he play guitar, too? You snored sometimes, did you get that from him? You had so many questions for this man you shared half your DNA with, but have never met. For the man that died on a planet far away from home, alone, with no one to mourn him.

Was that going to be you? Would Neteyam remember you in 20 years, when he would tell stories about his childhood to his kids, when he remembered the good old times? Would you get a Na’vi send off? Or were you going to be buried somewhere in the forest, for someone to stumble upon in a distant future you would no longer be a part of?

Sobbing uncontrollably, you heard yourself speak in between wails. “Why am I here? Great Mother, please tell me there is more to this life, there is more to life than this, because I cannot do this anymore. I am so tired. I have tried to keep going my whole life, even when I wanted nothing more than to cease to exist, blissfully collapse in an ether where I didn’t have to feel anything anymore. I kept going because I wanted to make my mum proud, I wanted to honour the body and life she has given me. I am trying so hard, but I am really fucking tired.”

A little past eclipse, you arrived at the lab, and used the keycard you remembered to bring with you. You hoped Neteyam would be gone by now, in case he was trying to find you here. You made your way through the hub and into your bedroom, which looked tiny in your Avatar body. You realise how uncomfortable it must have been for him to be here so often, then cursed your brain for making you think about such things. Your Avatar body needed a bed, so you walked slowly to where the other Avatar bodies usually were laid to rest for the night. There should be an empty space where your mum or Grace used to sleep. It didn’t take long for you to wake up back in the linkpod, as with most nights recently, you were barely able to maintain the neurolink by the time evening came.

Max was waiting for you. “Neteyam came by. He’s been looking for you, said you left the village yesterday and didn’t come back. He was worried sick.”

You didn’t answer him, as you slowly got out of the pod and tried to steady your feet on the ground, harder than it seemed when the entire room was spinning around you.

“What happened?”

“The mate you all hid from me for weeks came announcing herself in my tent as we were just about to kiss.”

“Any other questions?”

You didn’t wait for a response before you made your way out of the room, stalking towards the medical ward.

As you retired to your room for the night, you noted the morphine was not working as well as used to anymore. You sat on the bed, looking at the arm that was getting blue at the amount of needle holes it had, and you knew then you didn’t have much time left. Maybe a couple of days. A couple more days of this. And then it would finally be over. You gave it a fair shot, this life thing. You couldn’t say you felt particularly sad at the thought of it ending. You pressed play on your vintage record player and let yourself sleep.

“Even on my worst day, did I deserve, babe, all the hell you gave me?

'Cause I loved you, I swear I loved you, til my dying day”

You spent the next 2 days in a haze, drugged out of your mind, waking up before eclipse and leaving to your dad’s grave and sleeping in the woods until the night, barely able to make it on your own two feet. Even in your human body, Neyn recognised you, and stood by you, which gave you some peace of mind. You made sure to bring her fruits from the lab, and she cooed warmly as she settled next to you.

When you made your way back that night, Norm was waiting.

“Where the hell have you been? Everyone’s been looking for you for 3 fucking days.”

You removed your oxygen mask and made your way to the room, where he followed you. You were in so much pain you couldn’t see straight.

“I am talking to you!” he took you by your arm and spun you around. The motion made you instantly sick, and you struggled to keep down the fruits you shared with your ikran.

“Let go of me, Norm.” you had no strength in your body anymore, so it took you awhile to shake him off.

“You look like shit. What did you do?”

You managed to make it to the bathroom, where you shut the door behind you and got in the shower. Fortunately, for you or him, you couldn’t tell, Norm was gone when you came out.

The next morning, you woke up desperately searching for pain relief and didn’t know if you were going to be able to make it to the ward before your knees would collapse on themselves. You were shaking and dizzy, out of your mind with agony and walking to the bathroom felt like the most intensive workout you have ever done. You peered up at yourself in the mirror and were scared at the eyes watching you, rabid and wild, like an injured animal waiting to lash out. It was too much for you to bear, and before you could even think or rationalise, you felt your fingers curl into a fist and make contact with the cold glass of the mirror, shattering in dozens of pieces, and it made you weirdly happy to have a visual representation of how your soul felt. The instant pain of the all the wounds the smash caused also gave you a weird sense of euphoria, and you realised it was taking away from the pain in the rest of the body, which was only able to focus on one agonising sensation at a time. This felt like a kiss by comparison, and you knew then you could go on a little longer, you could continue with the rest of the day.

Norm came bursting through the door at the loud crash.

“What the hell happened? Are you okay?”

You came out of your bathroom, blood dripping all over the floor as you made your way to the bed, sitting down on it.

“Leave, Norm.”

“What?”

“Leave.”

“What the hell has gotten into you recently. you are rude and brash, and you hurt people’s feelings with no remorse. This isn’t you.”

“What the hell do you know about me, Norm?” you say, laughing bitterly.

“Ace, stop.”

“You don’t know anything, Norm.” you kept going, the fury and hurt getting the best of you, once again, your need to destroy everything in your path as a way to cope with your own heartbreak winning by a landslide.

“Did you know I have needed pills to sleep and to live a normal day-to-day life since I was 13? I have been slowly depleting our sleeping pill and benzodiazepines inventory and replacing it with multivitamin pills I found in one of the drawers. I mean thank God none of you suffer from anxiety or panic disorder or need help sleeping cause I would have been busted so long ago.”

You laughed mockingly at his shocked face, jaw so close the floor now you could trip on it on your way out.

“Did you know I am about a week and a half away from dying after I accidentally smashed a vial of infected blood and got it in my mouth?”

You stand corrected, you think now his jaw was close enough to the floor to trip on it.

“Did you know I have upgraded from a pill addiction to a full blown opioid addiction in order to not collapse on the floor in excruciating pain because of the way this virus is eating at my insides? Yeah, yeah, that’s right. We’re almost out of a whole vial of morphine after I injected it in my veins every day for a while now.”

He had no words. “That’s about right.”

“I do know one thing you do know, though. You know that Neteyam had his mate announcement ceremony that day I took off. You were there to see the two love birds announce their love and pledge their commitment to each other the one day I was not there. And that’s why you were acting shifty. You know about that. And somehow you forgot to tell me, every day, for weeks. How does that work out, Norm, hmm?”

“I felt so bad for snapping at you a couple of days ago. I felt like a horrible fucking person for hurting your feelings. I should have been watching my back, instead.”

You got up from your bed and started walking towards the door.

“If I were you I would not linger in a room with poisoned blood dripping on the floor for too long.”

You found some paper towels at the side of your bed and wrapped them around your bleeding, pained hand, and with that, you left.

After you upped the morphine you usually took, you went to the lab and prepped a hood for some more experiments. Work was a good way to get your mind off things, to mindlessly do something that had a purpose other than driving you to the brink of insanity.

You heard a loud banging noise coming from the entrance, and you had a sneaking suspicion you knew who it was. You heard Norm open the door.

“Is she here?”

“Yeah, but Neteyam, I think you should go. She’s not in a good place, and I really don’t think doing this will end well for either of you.”

“I don’t care, I have to talk to her, I have been looking for her for 3 fucking days.”

You heard the door to the lab slide open and hissed at the man you knew would be trying to come in, realising hissing in a human body doesn’t have nearly the same effect.

“Get the fuck out, Neteyam. This is a sterile room.”

“I don’t fucking care about the room, Atan. Where the fuck have you been? Please come out so we can talk.”

You threw your head back and laughed, really laughed.

“You really are delusional if you think there is any way in heaven and hell I would want to hear anything you have got to say. The time for talking was a couple months ago, Neteyam. The time for talking was the first day I got my Avatar body, where in addendum to telling me you own my ass now, you could have also sprinkled in the fact your are now mated with someone else.”

“I am not mated with anyone, for fuck’s sake. Just come out so we can talk, please. I will explain everything, please!”

You stopped what you were doing and looked at him, for the first time since that day. He looked exhausted, anguished. Deep purple bags under his eyes, that were burning red where the whites should be. He has been crying. Good, you thought. He looked panicked and miserable and desperate for you to give him the time of day, for you to allow him to explain the unexplainable.

You sighed and your heart constricted in pain. Neteyam will not be happy until there was nothing left of you, until he took everything from you. At the same time, you were curious, morbidly curious as to what has actually happened, what led to this moment. You knew he loved you. You knew that much, but it didn’t seem to matter in this moment, as he broke your heart for what felt like the thousandth time in your short life.

“Go to the clearing, I’ll come when I’m ready.”

You half considered just leaving him there to wait, abandoning him just he did to you. You finished splitting your cells and treating them, and in about an hour, you went into the linkpod and took your Avatar for a walk in the woods. You reached the clearing shortly, as it was close enough that even child you could do it without getting too far away from the building.

You saw him standing there, his back turned to you and his legs submerged in the river that was rushing violently downstream. It was a cold day, and rain was trickling down your body like shivers from a kiss. There was tension in the air, and you knew a storm was coming. You could practically feel the charge in the atmosphere, and were expecting thunder to start any minute now, ready to mirror the agony in your soul.

“I’m here.”

He didn’t speak for a while. Just stood looking at the river, deep in thought.

“So many of our moments throughout the years happened here. Remember when I taught you to swim in the river? Now, in retrospective, that was a bad idea since the water kept taking you away, to the point I had to wait at the end so I could catch you in my arms, like you were a baby.”

You winced at the memory. You thought you could do this. You felt numb in that lab, numb on the way here, but as soon as your eyes focused on him, tears starting pooling in your eyes and pain overtook your body, that you tried to counteract by wrapping your arms tightly around yourself. He’s caused you so much hurt, so much grief in the years he’s known you. But he was also at the forefront of most of your happiest memories. You could fill endless manuscripts with the beauty of his love, that shone so brightly over you your whole life. He was the light in all the darkness and you honestly didn’t think you would have survived this journey without him.

That is why this hurt so much, why your body was convulsing on itself in insurmountable grief. And also why you owed him this much. Owed him this conversation, and the right to explain his point of view, that you were still unfamiliar with.

“I remember. I remember even at the time, thinking this was a good metaphor for our relationship. Life kept sweeping me off my feet, but you were always there to catch me, before it could take me away. I had so much faith in you back then, you were a fact of life, like the eclipse. You were the one person in this world I thought would never hurt me.”

“Fuck, Y/N, all I did before I left is hurt you.”

“What are you talking about?” You were confused at the turn this conversation took. What did he mean? You couldn’t recall a single time Neteyam hurt you before you left. Sure, you would fight and bicker sometimes, but it was a normal part of any relationship, you thought. And he always made it up to you, would always come to the lab and sit with you with flowers he collected or trinkets he found in the woods, always holding you and kissing your forehead to make sure you were over it before he had to leave. Fighting with him was ironically one of your favourite things, because you knew the aftermath was the closest you ever felt to being in heaven.

“I almost fucking killed you. Or have you forgotten? Have you forgotten how I manipulated you into getting on top of an ikran when you were just a 13 year old human and almost watched you die? Have you forgotten I took you to the woods and raced you to your dad’s remains? I was a walking magnet for disasters in your life and I was tired, so fucking tired of watching your life fall apart all around me. I had to watch you learn to walk again, limp because of my actions, for years. I had to pull you out of flashbacks and nightmares you developed because of ME. You were always fine in the woods with Lo’ak or Kiri, but everything bad that has happened to you happened around me.”

He was crying, panting and angry, at himself or you or the universe, you couldn’t tell.

“I thought that if I left, you would be ok. I just wanted to protect you. My whole life, all I have wanted was for you to be ok. But it seems no matter what I do, I keep fucking up.”

You had no words to speak as you lay there, listening to him letting you in to a secret you have spent so many months agonising over. The reason for his departure haunted you for a year and a half, even when you refused to think about him, about it, it was there, constantly emerging from the depths of your subconsciousness, taunting you in your dreams. Why? Why? Why?

Because he wanted to protect you?

You didn’t have time to process all of this new information, before he continued.

“The night you found your dad, I was shaken to my core, in a way I have never truly been before. I was so heartbroken, for you and for myself, for knowing this will haunt you for the rest of your life. I went home and mother found me, and told me that maybe I can’t help you in the way I’ve always wanted. That maybe it’s better for you that I remove myself for a while and leave you room to breathe and heal. So I did. It took me a long time to get the strength to do it. Every time I thought today is the day, I would see you and you would smile at me, and we would sit on your bed and you would read to me or play me songs or just be there, just you and me, and I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. You were everything to me, my light in all the darkness.

A year later, you sang me the song and you were smiling at me singing it, and I knew you were confessing feelings we have both felt for years and couldn’t say out loud. And I knew that if I stayed, whatever we had would escalate past the point of no return. If I stayed, that would be it. And that’s when I decided. I thought I was doing us both a favour. I knew it would hurt you, just as much as it hurt me, but I thought the pain would subside in time.”

You were crying now, you realised, tears falling silently and effortlessly down your face, with no intention to ever stop, instantly washed away by the pouring rain. There were no sounds, no sobs or wails, or panted breaths, just the sounds of rain and hopeless, soft cries and muffled sniffles, for the man in front of you, for all that you have lost, for the past you shared and the future that you would never have.

He got up from where he stood and turned around to face you. He walked towards you until he was so close to you could feel his breath on your face. His stare made goosebumps appear on your entire body, so earnest and desperate, so full of intensity for the words he was trying to convey to you.

“It didn’t.” He said, at the same time you thought the same words in your mind.

“A few years ago, mother and father told me I would one day have to find a mate. They knew and I knew it was expected of me, but I always put it off, so they eventually dropped it. I learnt later they both knew about us, so they didn’t push me into anything until they felt I was ready. A few months after they realised I decided to leave, they started bringing it up again. I didn’t want to hear it, but they said it was time, as I had refused for years longer than what was acceptable in the clan. I met with so many girls, all from good families, all healers in training, all wrong. Beautiful girls, smart girls, skilled healers and singers, and it was like looking at the grey walls of your lab. I felt nothing, I felt sick just thinking about it, like just the thought would be betraying the memory of our bond. Eventually, I told them they can decide. Grandma can decide whatever she thinks is best, and, as Tsahik, I would listen to her voice and wisdom, and do my duty to the clan. She chose Tiongli. I knew her growing up, and we were friendly, so I tried to make an effort. I would go to her tent, and she would show me her training sometimes, I would let her heal my wounds and imagined it was your hands touching me instead. I visited her family and paid my respects, and had dinner with them whenever they invited me. I hoped in time, I could learn to care for her, to lessen the distaste in my mouth whenever my family or the clan talked about the future, about the ceremony, about the life I was supposed to lead that I hated even the thought of.

And then, one day, my dad sent me to get Lo’ak from the lab. I was so scared of knowing I would have to see you again. It had been so long, and so many feelings gnawed at me on the walk there, terror and anxiety, guilt and longing. But then I saw you, and there was only one feeling: love. Like no time had passed at all. I knew then I was going to love you for the rest of my life, and that will never change. That was my fact of life, my eclipse.”

He slowly took your face in his hands, and his thumb was caressing your cheek trying to wipe the tears and raindrops that were falling mercilessly. You saw his face slowly getting closer to yours, and you knew you should pull away, you should remove yourself from his grasp before the kiss was going to remove the last ounce of happiness from you. You knew what you had to do, knew that no matter what information or answers or justifications he would give you today, they wouldn’t matter. You should pull away, because there is no future, no hope. But you couldn’t. You didn’t know what waited for you in the afterlife, but if there was any chance you would have your memories, you wanted this kiss to haunt you forever, to remind you of the life you left behind.

His lips touched yours so gently, it felt like a whisper. Like a hug, tender and warm, it was so different than your first kiss. Tears were still running down your face as your lips moved, entangled with his and begging for more. Your hands went to his chest, to his neck, to his back, just touching him, trying to memorise his body, this feeling. You wanted so much more, you wanted to be his, you wanted to feel him, you wanted him to own you, like he did your heart, which has been his your entire life and will still be his after your death.

You were a mess of wet tangled limbs and panted breaths by the end, and eventually, he broke the kiss to look at you through teary eyes.

“I love you, I will always love you. I am so sorry.”

“I love you, too.”

“But this doesn’t change anything, Neteyam.”

“Thank you, for finally telling me why you left. For giving me some closure for something that has plagued me for so long, it became a constant part of my nightmares. Thank you for having my best interest at heart; it couldn’t have been easy to leave, if you didn’t want to, it took a strong heart to do something that hurt you for what you thought was the lesser evil. But it doesn’t change anything.”

“You left me. You broke me. And you never gave me a chance to make my own decisions. To figure out for myself what was the path forward. I have NEVER blamed you for my misfortunes. The ikran ride is still a beautiful memory to me. You made it a beautiful memory. If it weren’t for your quick thinking, we probably would have both died at the hands of Toruk. You saved my life, Neteyam. You carried me home and stayed with me while I was having surgery, you stayed with me after, while I recovered. You pulled me out of the worst panic attack I have ever had when I found my dad, and you rode out so many of my flashbacks, I have lost count. You weren’t the cause or the common denominator of these events, I was. I am the one plagued by misfortune and hurt and death. Not you. And if you tell me you had to leave to save your own peace of mind, I would respect that. I don’t know anyone in this world who can take this, take me and all the shit that follows me everywhere I go. I don’t blame you.

But if you tell me that you did this for me, that I can’t accept. I didn’t ask for any of this. You gave me no choice, and no say in this relationship, in our shared life. You just left. I deserved better than that. And I deserved better than to find out about a mate after months of lies and manipulation and deceit. I don’t care. I don’t care if you are going to say that you didn’t want it, or you were going to undo it, or that you’ve always loved me and never her. I don’t care. You lied to me, you manipulated me. You accused me of fucking your brother as you were promised to another woman that you hid from me for months. I do blame you for that, and I will never be able to forgive you.”

“Please, Atan…I will tell her no. I will tell her -.” he was sobbing now, his hands still on your face, pleading.

“No.” you slowly took his hands in yours and removed them from your face.

“I think you should do it, Neteyam. She is a good girl, she will make a good Tsahik, and a good mate. Your mother was right, there is no future here - there never was. I love you, so much. But I think you have broken my heart one too many times. I am done.”

You turned your back and walked away from him and the life that was lost - forever.

You were completely soaked when you arrived in the lab, and you went straight to the Avatar laying room and cried. Cried until it felt like no more tears could possibly come out of you. You cried yourself to sleep and then cried in the pod, on the way to your bedroom, and in bed until your human body eventually collapsed from exhaustion. You cried in your dreams, in which Neteyam was kissing you and touching you, doing all the things you were silently begging him to in your mind just a few hours ago.

Eventually, nightfall came, and you had to get up to do the rest of your experiments and top up your analgesic. Ironically enough, you were making real progress on your work. You found a combination therapy that was showing incredible potential in slowing the virus down. It wasn’t enough to stop and eradicate it, but it was enough to give people more time and hopefully give the scientists more time to find a cure. It wouldn’t help you, but maybe you could still help others.

At some paint through the night, as you were making up some reagents, Norm bursts through the door holding a bunch of equipment and some pills, you realise. He puts them down on the bench behind you and speaks.

“Right, stop whatever you are doing, right now.”

“I am in the middle of something.”

“I don’t fucking care. Stop, now.”

You were taken aback at his words and attitude. Norm never got mad, or lost his composure. He was so most well balanced person you knew.

You put the pipette gun down and turned around to face him.

“I still need to adjust the pH on this.”

He ignored you while he prepared the myriad of little gadgets he brought with him. He motioned for you to take off your lab coat, and you rolled your eyes in annoyance, but did as you were told regardless. You were too tired to argue anymore.

He raised the sleeves of your top until they couldn’t go any further up your arm and put a blood pressure monitor on you. You felt tension as its sleeve tightened around you painfully, but eventually it gave out with a puff, and you heard beeping as the machine finished its reading. You looked to your right where the monitor lay, and saw red lights flashing, letting Norm know your blood pressure and pulse were dangerously low. His eyes widened slightly at the sight, but he held his composure, removing the gadget from around your arm and putting it away. He then read your oxygen levels, which you saw were constantly dabbling between 89 and 90%. Not good, you thought. No wonder you could barely breathe anymore. Norm cursed silently under his breath, trying to not let you see him, but if there was one thing you were good at, it’s reading people. Well, you thought you were, at least.

“Did you do any tests on your blood? How is your complete blood count looking?”

“No, I haven’t.”

“Why the fuck not, Ace? It’s not like you don’t know how to do it.”

He was angry, really angry. You’ve never seen Norm this angry, you’ve never seen Norm acting this way towards you.

You just shrugged. With a huff of annoyance, he took your arm and prepared a needle and syringe to collect some blood. He gulped and you could see tears forming in his eyes when he looked at the violet bruises and needle holes that were plastered along the length of your brachial vein.

“Just didn’t get around to it.”

“You didn’t - Are you fucking kidding me right now?”

“What medicine have you been taking? Did you take the Relenta, or the combination therapy we have been working on?”

“Neither.”

You swear you saw Norm’s entire body enter a catatonic state and he turned so red you were worried he was going to release steam out of his ears.

“You have been sick for a month and did not take anything, none of the treatments we have been working on?”

You couldn’t look him in the eye anymore, finding comfort in the pattern of the tiles on the floor.

“I can’t believe you. I didn’t peg you for someone who would just throw their life away meaninglessly. Your mum had to die because we didn’t have a way to treat her illness, and here we are, with a solution that YOU came up with for your own illness, and you will just not even try?”

You were quiet, not really having a way to rebut his questions.

“Fine. We will start you on the combination treatment tonight and take it from there. There’s other things we haven’t tried yet and I’m sure -“

“NO.”

“I’m not asking you. I’m not letting you fucking die.”

“Why must you always fucking try to fix everything, Norm? Some things can’t be fixed. I don’t want the fucking pills. I am done. I want this to be done.”

“So you’ll just die? Is that what you’re saying? You want to die, and not even fucking TRY to see if there is more to this life. Goddamn it, Y/N. I thought having the Avatar would help you realise life is worth living, there’s beauty in this world beyond the walls of this lab. You got your first kill, you did the Iknimaya, you’re going to become one of the people. Don’t you want to see what your future holds? Don’t you want to live to see yourself grow up? Fall in love, start a family. There are more guys in this world than just Neteyam.”

You gave Norm a dirty look and got out of the lab.

Neteyam felt his whole body reel after your conversation. It didn’t change anything, he thought bitterly. He thought explaining it to you, allowing to see that he had good reasons for his actions would allow you to forgive him, to at least allow him the opportunity to make it up to you through time. You left, just like he had so long ago, but there was a finality to you that he didn’t feel then. Back then, he always had hope that a miracle would still be possible, one in which you got an Avatar, healed and loved him, forever. He wanted to love you forever, but his apology and explanations were not enough.

He lost you, again.

He spent the night flying on his Ikran, just flying and letting the rain soak his thoughts and hurt away. He just wanted to disappear. He wanted the rain to melt his bones until there was nothing left of him but the memory of happier times.

In the early hours of the morning, he made it back to the village, trying to hide his cried out eyes and calamitous grief. He was dreading having to talk to his parents, to explain to them what happened, to have to go through with Tiongli and this future he didn’t want and will have to suffer through for the rest of his life. He didn’t have time to worry about it too much though, because, as he managed to get to the tent’s entrance, he heard Norm’s voice and his dad’s, intertwined with his grandma’s voice rising above them.

“It won’t work. Eywa will not allow her to come back.”

“Why not? She has taken her Iknimaya, she has completed her kills, she has spent her entire life in the village’s service, trying to help the best way she knew how. If she doesn’t deserve this, who does?”

“It’s not that she doesn’t deserve it. It’s that she doesn’t want it. She doesn’t want this, Norm. The Great Mother will not transfer the conscience of someone with no future.”

“But maybe if this happened, she will realise that she wants to live. Once she’s rid herself of her weak body, of this disease, maybe she will -“

“The Great Mother’s word is final. She will die, because she wants to die.”

Mo’at’s voice rang in his ears so hard he thought his eardrums would pop.

She doesn’t want it.

She will die.

What were they talking about? Who would die?

No… it couldn’t be. No, the Great Mother wouldn’t be so cruel.

He didn’t wait to hear the rest of the conversation, running as fast as his feet could carry him back to the lab. He reached soon enough, he was faster than most other people in the village, and started knocking on the door of the lab with all his might.

“Y/N, OPEN UP, I KNOW YOU ARE IN THERE!”

Eventually, Max came to the door, through which Neteyam burst without consideration for the tiny human next to him.

“She’s not in, Neteyam. She left before any of us had a chance to say anything.”

“Was she in her Avatar body?”

“No, the body is in the den where they sleep.”

He didn’t bother thanking the man, as he turned on his heel and started running again. She was there, had to be.

It was still raining, the clouds relentless as they released drops that poured gently down his face and body, and Neteyam thought the Great mother was crying, mourning the love being washed away like a pebble in the river of the clearing, just like he was.

You were there, of course you were. A current shocked Neteyam at the sight of you. This was the first time he has seen your human body in months, and he found it hard to reconcile the image of you he has known all his life with this current one. You were incredibly thin, so thin, whereas a few months ago he could trace your muscles, he could now trace your bones. You were pale, almost ashen, and the hair that he once spent so long admiring was now brittle and dull, obvious even as it was, wet and clinging to your back. You looked lifeless. He felt a lump form in his throat and tears pool in his eyes that were still not dry from all the pain this day has brought.

You didn’t notice him yet, your human ears much less sensitive than your Avatar, so you were just sitting on the riverbank with your chin resting on your knees, which were brought to your chest and your arms wrapped tightly around them. You were looking at the water, and it was like you weren’t actually there. You were in your own world, far from here, from this hurt.

“I was going to ask if it was true, what I heard Norm talk about in the tent today, but I think you’ve answered my question.”

Neteyam saw you flinch, and it felt like even that brought your weak frame pain. You were trembling when you looked at him, and your face made his own drop in shock. Your beautiful features, the blush in your cheeks, the glimmer in your eye, the pink of your lips, your animated expressions or raised eyebrows, were all gone. Your eyes looked glossed over and numb, your face looked ghostly and sunken, and Neteyam swore he could trace every blood vessel on your forehead and neck. The sight of you made whatever happiness or hope he had left dissolve and trickle down his bones, until it reached the ground where it was eventually buried, never to be seen again.

“I didn’t think I could make myself any clearer, Neteyam.”

“tell me it isn’t true. Tell me he’s lying; he’s making it up.”

“What part?”

“All of it.” Neteyam was angry now, trying to contain the temper rising in his chest.

“Tell me you’re not dying.”

“Norm has a big fucking mouth.”

“Can you for once in your fucking life just answer a question? This is fucking serious!”

You winced at his words, then struggled to get up, but did eventually and fully face him. The state of you hit him like bullets, piercing and scraping at his every organ, leaving bleeding wounds behind.

“It’s true”.

Crack, crack, crack.

“When?”

“The night you gave me the guitar. I was so busy being in love with you I forgot to put the proper protection on, and I smashed a bottle of infected blood. It got in my mouth, in my nose.”

“I thought you were working on a cure.”

“Haven’t found it yet.”

“But you said you have something that kind of works, something to give people more time.”

“I’m human, it doesn’t work that way for us.”

“So, you’ve tried.”

You weren’t looking at him anymore, just staring at the ground in front of you, somewhere next to Neteyam’s feet.

“Tell me you have fucking tried.”

It thundered aggressively as Neteyam said that, and he saw you once again tremble at the loud sound. You have never been a jumpy person. You were the bravest person he knew. You were the strongest person he knew. It was unspeakable having to watch you now, sitting meekly in front of him, when just a few days ago you took the Iknimaya, taking the climb to the toughest tests known to the Omatikaya, doing it like it was nothing, just another day for you. To know that this is what was hiding underneath, this is what you hid from all of them, made him both impossibly miserable and strikingly enraged at the same time.

“TELL ME YOU HAVE TRIED.”

“NO, OKAY?? NO, I HAVEN’T FUCKING TRIED.” You were sobbing now, your tears washed away by the rain and wind as soon as they fell down your cheeks.

“Why?”

“Because I am tired. I want this to end.”

“I thought you were happy. I thought you were better. You seemed better in the Avatar.”

“I was better… in the Avatar. Because that wasn’t my life. That was just a beautiful dream, while my life was the never-ending nightmare. It was easy to pretend in that body. It was easy to be the version of myself everybody wanted me to be. But I have to live with the real me every night. And I don’t want to do it anymore.” The more you cried, the more Neteyam’s blood boiled in his veins.

“That’s such fucking bullshit.”

“You know what I think?”

“I think dying is fucking easy. It’s your easy way out.”

You looked up at his much larger frame incredulously, and he saw how your mood was starting to mirror his own.

“What did you just say? You think this is fucking easy for me?”

“Yes, I think it is. I think all you’ve done since your mum has died is take the easy way out. Put everything and everyone in your little bottom desk drawer, keeping everyone at a distance. Do you know how much mother and father suffered every time you refused to come out, to come to the village? My mother cried herself to sleep at the thought of you alone in that lab, at the thought that you preferred that soulless, empty place to her, to us. Did you know that?

You have not once opened that drawer, not once dealt with anything. All you do is numb yourself down, pretend you are fine and the issues you have suffered through do not exist. Well guess fucking what, Atan? They exist. And until you deal with that pain and let it pass over you and through you, you will always take the easy way out.

You have made me feel like the worst person in the world, for leaving, for lying to you. But what the fuck have you done, huh? You lied to me about dying, for weeks! About dying! What, was I supposed to find you dead one day and that was it? That was what I deserved from you, after all the blood, sweat and tears I gave you? You said I took your choice away. You wouldn’t have even given me a choice to say goodbye to the love of my life before you fucking died!

I left you for a year because I wanted to protect you, you are leaving permanently because you refuse to fucking deal with the pain and hurt I know you feel deep down inside. You had a choice. You could have come to the many people who love you, love you unconditionally, and told us, and let us in, and let us help you. You could have gotten help, taken the pills, fight your damn hardest to make this work, to find a cure, for the life your mum gave you, the life she would have to watch you throw away. You have a choice now. To want to live, to want to fight through this and come out the other side a new, better person. To let me love you, let people love you. To do the consciousness transfer and be with me, and be happy, forever. And you’re choosing this.

You are a coward.”

Neteyam turned on his heel and walked away, before he got a chance to see you collapse on the ground, giving your last few breaths in the place he used to imagine both of your children laying in his arms peacefully while you sang them to sleep.

Tag list (I hope I didn't miss anyone, thank you so much for asking to be tagged <3): @nuhteyam @eywas-heir @fanboyluvr @mashiromochi @puffb4ll @sassy-persona @simp4ff @mommyneytiri @inomoikawa @jackiehollanderr @jaysarchiv3 @meivap @dakotali @hlhl99 @eskamybeloved @erenjaegerwifee @winchestertitties

#neteyam #neteyam x human!reader #neteyam x reader #neteyam fanfic #neteyam reader #neteyam sully #avatar #avatar twow #avatar fanfic #neteyam x avatar!reader #neteyam sully fanfiction #neteyam angst #awow #awow neteyam #loak reader #avatar loak

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foursaints · 7 days

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i'm like a baby bird waiting for you to feed me pre-digested food. anyway, any sad quotes you can offer? <3

we actually don't need any rosekiller fanfiction because Always A Rose by Li-Young Lee was already published in 1986. but we're not ready for that conversation

4. Odorous and tender flower- body, I eat you / to recall my first misfortune. Little, bitter / body, I eat you to understand my grave father. Excellent body of layers tightly wound around nothing, I eat you to put my faith in grief. (...) I eat you to sink into my own body. Secret body I eat you / down to your secret.

8. If with my mouth, if with my clumsy tongue, my teeth, if with my voice, my voice (...) and if with blood, if with marrow, if with groin, lungs, (...) if with all / the beast in me, all the beauty, (...) if I adore you, Rose, with adoration become nonsense become praise, could I stop our dying? Could we sit together in new bodies, shoulder to tender shoulder, the lovely and the thorned, the bitter and the failed, the grave to the left of us, the sea to the right?

9. You sag, /turn your face / from me, body made of other bodies, each doomed. Remember it was I who bled for you, I, born hungry among the hungry, third in the last generation of the old country, of the family Plum, a brood distinguished by madness, tales of chains and wailing. It was I who saw you withered and discarded, I, who taught my father patience, and dulled the blade of his anger, who eat you now, before morning, when you must climb your ladder of thorns and grow to death. (...) I saw you / dying and called you mine.

10. My mediation, my recitative, I love you best this way, an old brittle trumpet, a shred of mother’s dress, no longer regal. I love your nakedness. Naked, shy flower, sweet to my nose, and bitter to my tongue, among the dying things are you and I.

DO YOU SEE?

#you may question why the excerpts are so long & manifold. but really i don't think i included enough.#if I could force you all to read this post clockwork-orange style I would!#a #rose & thorn #barty meta tag #Evan meta tag #IM HAVING A NORMAL ONE !!!!!!!!!!!

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yuri-is-online · 27 days

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Dark knight is the most romantic job, huh? Maybe you should elaborate 👀

Oh well if I must~

notes: contains spoilers (very vague but yk still there) for the Dark Knight job quests, Shadowbringers role quests etc. Please play critically acclaimed mmrpg Final Fantasy XIV (now on xbox) with a free trial I am so normal about it and I promise you will be too. I need someone to grind gemstones with next expansion it only makes you want to die a little I swear.

I want to start by bringing something up I don't see discussed a lot (if at all) in discussion of the Dark Knight questline, and that is the background music used. When dramatic or poignant moments occur in other questlines, even the other two that were introduced in Heavesnward (machinist and astrologian), the cutscenes stick to the default/expansion appropriate sad music. This doesn't happen in the DRK questline though, instead the sound designers chose to play Dragonsong during what are some of the most emotionally charged moments in the whole game, and generally stick to the Heavesnward background music even through the Stormblood cut-scenes. The choice of Dragonsong is really what makes me think of the job as "romantic" more than anything; the song is in a lamentation of lost love and trust between dragon and man certainly, but you could also apply some of those lyrics to the separation between the Unsundered and the Warrior of Light, or the separation between the warrior's darker half and their willingness to shoulder their duty.

This musical choice becomes especially clear when you speak to Count Edmont at the end of the Stormblood job quests, as a very specific part of the song begins to play as the Warrior of Light is asked to reflect on what could have possibly caused their heart to break and crack their jobstone:

Not that I point this out to suggest it's cannon the Warrior had romantic feelings for any one person in particular, but to hammer home exactly what the Moogles try to tell you:

Dark Knights get their power from their love; that ugly, hard work, painful, your heart is trapped in a rib cage desperate to leave type of bleeding love that is desperate for somewhere to go and doesn't have it anymore.

"Love is grief with nowhere to go." Is a quote that can more or less apply to every Dark Knight we are introduced to in game. Fray is literally dead, we never truly meet him at all, Sidurgu had already lost his whole tribe only to then lose Fray and their master, Granson lost his wife, and Emet Selch... well what hadn't he lost? And they are all angry, burdened by their grief, and desperate for somewhere to put their love because the people they want to give it to are gone.

idk I just think the concept of taking your love for your fellow travelers and using it as a focus to overcome the worst parts of yourself (from your doubts to your anger and resentment) so you can use all of those emotions as fuel to protect them, even from themselves is just so romantic to me. You don't have to be happy about it to do the right thing, and you don't need to be nice to be good. Love isn't always cute, sometimes it is very ugly and raw and I love when stories play with that.

So yeah. The most romantic job. I could get more specific but it has been a long time since I played through these quests ;-; I should fix that

#<3 asks #ffxiv dark knight #ffxiv #i kind of want to take a crack at analyzing myste now that we know about dynamis #but i need to focus on leveling #gotta get those jobs up before dawntrail yk

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roalinda · 5 months

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very self-indulgent but beware, here goes! i was re-reading ending of OotP as one does in monday afternoon, and i was remineded how decidedly Nearly Headless Nick responed to devastated Harry when he asked if Sirius could become a ghost (aside - such a painful pages… Harry's grief was tearing me apart, again as always). “He will not come back. He will have… gone on.” Yes, Sirius wouldn't like pale imitation of life but… even for Harry? When he'd do anything for his godson including being locked up in Grimmauld Place? But then, Nick has seen Sirius and James through all Hogwarts years. And James was gone. And for Nick it was obvious, the choice he'd made, death with James or life without him. I'm not d=saying Sirius was suicidal, really, but Sirius did stay on the other side in the end, where James has been waiting for him.

Gods, anon. You just had to make me go and re-read the book and cry a river, didn't you? 😭

Seriously speaking, this is very deep and needs an essay to be written on. I have received another ask about the concept of the dead/death and the living/life in HP series some time ago, so I'm writing a meta on it. (If by chance the anon who sent me that ask is reading this, please know that I have not forgotten to answer, I am writing a presentable reply) .

I decided to break apart your ask into two parts, I hope it is ok.

A. The reality of what we get in the books.

B. The self-indulgent part

The reality

I decided to re-read the last parts of the OOTP as well (since you mentioned reading it ) . So, generally my source for your ask is the 5th book + some quotes from here and there.

The conversation between Harry and Nick is a very curious one, short and sad, yet solid with no place for doubt. But before coming to that, I want to go back to the first book and quote Dumbledore about the simplicity of accepting death when one is knowledgeable enough. Not as being ok with throwing away one's life pointlessly but as coming to terms with the fact that there is no need to hold on when you have done your part.

"After all, to the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure."

Albus Dumbledore - HP and TSS, page 297

Now some other quotes if I may, because they will come handy. 😉

The 7th book and the engraving on Lily and James' graves:

The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death.

"It doesn't mean defeating death in the way that the Death Eaters mean it, Harry," said Hermione, her voice gentle. "It means…you know…living beyond death. Living after death."

Hermione Granger - HP and DH, page 328

and in the 5th book:

"Oh, come on. You heard them, just behind the veil, didn't you?"

"In that room with the archway. They were just lurking out of sight, that's all. You heard them."

Luna Lovegood - HP and OOTP, page 863

These quotes show how serious life after death is portrayed in Harry Potter. It's a simple notion yet very fundamental. A living person dies and continues their journey in another life/dimension. The living can sense their presence or even hear them if the border is narrow enough and they have seen death before like Luna and Harry ( the veil being an example of that ) , but they are dead, they are in another dimension, they don't linger on where they should not.

Dumbledore puts it as - going to bed after a very, very long day - in the first book, a very well-done impression of the phrase rest in peace ( R.I.P) for the dead.

Harry's conversation with Nick is curious because it clears these facts:

1 . You have to accept the notion of death to be able to pass on.

2. You shouldn't fear death.

As proved by Nick:

"I was afraid of death," said Nick. "I chose to remain behind. I sometimes wonder whether I oughtn't to have…well, that is neither here nor there…in fact I am neither here nor there…." He gave a small sad chuckle.

HP and OOTP - page 861

Nearly everyone in the HP universe whose role were effective enough, accepted death - like an old friend - , each in their own respective causes ( good or bad ) . James and Lily died for their son with no hesitation, Dumbledore planned his own death for the greater good, Snape knew of his inevitable death by Voldemort, Bellatrix had such strong loyalty and belief and Sirius…bright, wonderful Sirius who was the best godfather on earth, died with adrenaline in his veins and not confined to a house he hated. Sirius Black was a logical adult who had fought in two wars and survived Azkaban. He was aware of the risks of his actions, specially in the DOM. The fact that he went there with no hesitation, shows that although he cared and loved Harry to the moon and back, he was aware and had accepted the fact that he may die at any moment and was at peace with it, even way before DOM.

Personally, I think it's not the matter of how much you care or love someone. If it was, James and Lily would have come back for their poor orphaned baby, so they could both terrorise the Dursleys into taking good care of Harry and proving proof for Sirius' innocence as ghosts. I believe it's the matter of choosing to live in a useless limbo or going forward, to where you belong after you die. After all, if linger behind, the dead will suffer in the mortal world because they don't belong there as said in the tale of the three brothers. Nick's turmoil is a proof of that.

Sirius is not a type to linger, he was bright and knowledgeable and bold and if you ask me, he needed peace upon his soul.

The self-indulgent part ❤

Now to the important part a.k.a prongsfoot. 👀 Sirius loved Harry with all that he had. He did things for him that no one had done before, like escaping Azkaban. Harry was his everything after James. Harry was his responsibility, his best friend's child, his ray of sunshine, the person he cared the most for in life. But here is it. In life.

Now, Sirius dies. He falls through the veil and in shock he sees James there, smiling sadly with wobbly lips and his hands in his pockets like old days and Sirius is tired. He has been fighting and struggling most of his life, he had suffered loss after loss and he had to endure Azkaban with the guilt of switching the secret keeper's plan. He just wants peace. He wants the love he had lost. He wants James and there James is, crying and laughing at the same time, whispering about how he has missed Sirius and he is sorry because Sirius deserved a full and happy life while Sirius barks a teary laugh and says his life is fulfilled because he had died defending his godson and meeting his lover after that.

No, Sirius was not suicidal at all. This is something that I don't believe for a second despite a lot of people in the fandom believing in. Sirius was a bright star, the brightest, and he shone until the end and fulfilled his duty as a caring parent. But every story needs an ending and Sirius Black's was a bittersweet one, a tragic tale of a charming boy laughing in crimson and gold and the life which was stolen from him by the most painful betrayal. Sirius Black's life is a heartbreaking one yet death brought peace upon his tired soul as he finally reunites with other half, James Potter.

Sorry for the long reply, anon. Off to cry in a corner now. 😭

#Prongsfoot asks #Asks #Sirius black

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oddberryshortcake · 10 months

Note

For the character ask meme!

The floaty blue lava lamp, from that stupid silly card game anime spinoff show! <3

ASTRAL MY LOVE!!

What I love about them: SO much!! Gorgeous character design, I think about just how effective his design is all the damn time, he’s the perfect example of ‘ethereal beauty.’ I can only imagine how much more effective his design would be had his hair been more ‘flowy’ with better animation. But Ygo thrives on detailed still images and just look up one picture of Astral and you’ll just see- here, I’ll do it for you

Also a nonbinary legend. He/she/they take the crown.

I’ve always loved the trope of inhuman being discovering humanity for the first time, I love how well Zexal was able to execute how he changed over the course of the series- From a frankly emotionless brat who always had some snarky condescending comment say, to a genuinely kind person with some agency of his own (some, we’ll get into that.) I loved seeing each emotion he experienced, and he’s just great and underutilized despite being the most important person in the series (we’ll get into that)

What I hate about them: He was not utilized enough! It’s not his fault, it's the executives and such, but rewatching when Astral (spoilers) was genuinely disagreeing with Yuma and finding it hard to see himself going down the same path as him and trusting him again (which is huge because Astral got to a point where he trusted Yuma unconditionally and it blew up in his face bad,) what could’ve been used to voice their differences and speak up for himself more just…Did not happen. All of Astral’s thoughts stay within his head.

He gets shoved to the side a LOT for someone who is a floating plot devise and the entire reason the story is even happening. It’s been about 12 years and Astral is still viewed as an extension of Yuma in a lot of the official ygo merchandise. I love their relationship, but Astral needed to be more independent! Narratively and just in general.

Favorite Moment/Quote: I had to go back and get it, subbed episode 48- “I have no idea when I will vanish, but you have a future and infinite possibilities. Thus, I wish to leave behind the proof of my existence in your mind” (I believe dub said ‘heart’ instead of ‘mind’, both work beautifully)

Astral completely excluding himself from having a future, resigning to disappearing without a trace and no one will remember him but Yuma…and that’s all he wants out of his life. It is so damn sad that he just sort of resigns to his existence being a fickle and meaningless thing (once his mission is over) but his innocent hope of at least one person remembering him cementing itself in his friend’s grief-addled mind just aaaa! He’s just got this air of sadness that’s so !!

What I would like to see more focus on: Astral was created for one purpose only, and when that he succeeded in his mission, it’s implied that there’s just nothing after that. That he’d just be used up, dead and gone. He carries this sort of instinctual desire to self-sacrifice because that is what he’s made to do and I’m always screaming at the TV screen, just begging him to think about himself and gain a desire to live!! Screw these people who made you to fix their own mistakes! You deserve to live, Astral!

What I would like to see less focus on: Uhhh not sure really, maybe less of him just living and breathing through Yuma and more of him being his own person.

Favorite pairing with: Oh that’s easy, It’s [REDACTED] But on something I can talk about, I genuinely really enjoyed writing Goldenshipping (Jey x Astral) when you commissioned me and whenever I see the fanart I go 👀👀

Favorite friendship: Astral and Yuma are iconic (and obvious.) For a more unconventional one, the little friendship Astral and Haruto had was so genuinely wholesome (too bad those characters both aren’t really focused on at all)

Astral teaching this traumatized child how to eat with chopsticks and smiling fondly at him when his instruction works?? Fucking beautiful. I cried.

The fact that Astral was willing to give all of his numbers, his MEMORIES, to Kaito in order to save Haruto should Yuma find that the better solution. Amazing.

NOTP: Literally cannot think of any except maybe Eliphas because as much as that man denies it, that IS HIS SON

Favorite headcanon: Should Astral become human or just be able to live on Earth (away from his planet that used him and also away from toxic amounts of chaos energy that wE KNOW GENUINELY HURTS HIM TO THE POINT OF PASSING OUT?? MAYBE HE SHOULDN’T BE AROUND THAT??) I genuinely believe he’d make an amazing dueling teacher

He already taught Yuma how to duel and it’s something he’s good at and still likes. I can picture him getting tons of students and, more than half of them are there because they have a lil crush on him.

I’d be his student lmao

#asks #Zexal #Zexal Astral #I do not know his tag lol #ygo Astral #I'm sorry if there are typos I'll find them I'm sure #my hands are killing me I'm going crazy

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charlenasaxen · 1 month

Text

Crown and Court Quotes

“we also have the remarkable color trees: huge, long-lived goldenwoods and bluewoods”

“I want to die hearing the windharps. Already the Hill Folk mourn me…”

“All my life I have kept the Covenant, and I shall die keeping it.”

“Papa, please. Rest. Be easy—”

“Promise!” He gripped our hands.

“You’re a good boy, Branaric. No, a man now…”

“This time when we each gripped his fingers, there was no response”

“Branaric stood helplessly, staring at the still figure in the bed. Feeling numb—unreal—I took Papa’s thin hands, which were still warm.”

“we stood there for a long time, crying together while the cold wind swirled round us”

“you and me, even if we disagree—which I hope won’t happen. All we have now is this old castle”

Bran raised his hands. “Then we are on our own, sister.”

“A countess wearing a horse blanket and a count who hates fighting, leading a war”

“His dark blue eyes seemed darker with the intensity”

“But it had to be done—and we had to do it together”

“wordlessly, accompanied by their strange music—which was a kind of magic in itself—we would dance to somber cadence, sharing memory, and grief, and promise.”

“The old green velvet, left from Papa’s wardrobe, nicely set off Bran’s tall, rangy build. His face was long and sharp boned”

“if they laughed me out into the snow, you know I’d go right back at them, sword in hand”

“I glanced back in question, but the only thing to see was Bran unlacing his tunic”

the humor gone. “I made him up some good things to eat,” she said. “Let me fetch the pack.”

“Then he mounted, gave us a quick salute, and soon was gone. He didn’t like saying farewells any more than I did.”

“Though I still missed my brother”

“We moved into the cleared space, which was now dappled with blossoms”

“Tension relaxed into surprise as my brother rode up”

his eyes clearing. “The war. It’s here,”

“Good!” Bran said, laughing as he brandished his cider.

“Three times we sat on the cliffs above and cracked jokes while the army milled around”

“when they emerged, the stranger had the white plume of leadership”

“We’ll give him two weeks,” I crowed. “And then we’ll send him scurrying back to his tailor.”

“looking not at the map but at us, his old eyes sad”

“Branaric’s voice was a low rumble”

“no music, or laughter, or family to celebrate. Flower Day was celebrated with fine dresses and satin slippers and expensive gifts. Did he pity us?”

he grabbed me in a sudden, fierce hug. “Next year,” he said in a husky voice.

“overseen by a straight figure in a black cloak riding back and forth along a high ridge”

“Oria stood there grinning, her dark eyes crinkled to slivers. Flowers had been set all around my little tent, early spring blooms of every color.”

“gazed up at the black interlacing of leaves, through which the rainbow-hued stars made a pattern of heedless beauty.”

“Here y’are, m’lord. She’s awake.”

“Bran?” I croaked.

“Large gray eyes surveyed me. Astraight nose, chiseled bones. All this framed by long pale blond hair.”

“your probable future is not the kind to excite general envy”

Diving through the tent flap, I screamed with all my failing strength, “BRAN!”

“It desolates me to disappoint you, but your brother is not here.”

“As a crack it was pretty weak, but the amusement deepened in the light voice”

“Haha,” I gloated

“the reflected peachy gold glow touched the valleys and fields with warm light”

“reaching toward the distant sea. Such profligate beauty lifted my spirits”

“Unfortunately, this elevated mood disappeared with the sun”

“a steady, drizzling rain began to fall. Faintly, in the distance, I heard bells tolling”

“near the pool where the water fell. One chance of escape gone. I’d never get to the horse before he could stop me.”

“You appear to need it more than I do.” He smiled. “Go ahead.”

“The firelight played over his face. He watched me.”

“for some rock-headed reason?”

“Say what you want.” I sniffed. “It’s not like I can duff off in a huff if you’re impolite.”

“Is that a promise or a threat?”

He smiled.

“Once I was on the animal’s back, it wouldn’t matter if the man woke up—in fact, it might be nice to see that Court-bred composure shattered”

“gold-candles and the beginning of another day”

“I squinted, trying to equate this tall, slim figure with that arrogant plume-helmed commander”

“to a Court decoration.”

“‘Court decoration’?” he repeated, with a faint smile.

“Marquis of Shevraeth, Galdran’s commander-in-chief, grinned. It was the first real grin I’d seen on his face”

“He tossed a dagger across the fire. It spun through the air and landed hilt-deep in the ground next to my hand.”

“my companion was right next to me. The dagger was back in its sheath at his belt”

“He whistled, and the dapple-gray trotted obediently up, head tossing”

“marquis was right in front of me, and he was a lot taller than he appeared when seated”

“In one hand were the horse’s reins, and he held the other hand out in an offer”

“His gloves were still at his belt, and I noticed again that his palm was crossed with calluses”

“He put his hands on my waist and boosted me up onto the horse—and I couldn’t help but notice it didn’t take all that much effort”

“The less said about that morning’s ride, the better. I would have been uncomfortable even if I’d been riding with Branaric.”

“We only had one conversation, right at the start, when he apologized”

“When the great mage built bridge came into view I felt Shevraeth’s arm tighten”

“horse boy leaped to his feet, and all three bowed low”

“How could I effect an escape when I had as much spunk as a pot of over-boiled noodles?”

“I was impressed. Ordered gardens, flower-banked canals, well-dressed people.”

“whatever I said, might very well get carried to Branaric. I owed it to the people at home not to rug-crawl to this villain.”

“their spears thudded to the floor with a noise that sounded like doom”

“a tall figure with a long black cloak walked past us, plumed and coroneted”

“At his side hung his sword; his hair was braided. He passed by without so much as a glance.”

“piece of gold wood so beautifully veined with golds and reds and umbers it looked like fire”

“People came, in twos and threes and fours, to stare at me”

“Bribery! If things could come in, couldn’t something go out?”

“At night, another blanket, which disappeared the next morning—this time with an apologetic murmur from the guard”

“And of course it had to be while I was like this—about the lowest I’d sunk yet—that the Marquis of Shevraeth chose to reappear in my life”

“The door opened and a tall, glittering figure. I stared blankly at the torch-bearing aristocrat.”

“He was resplendent in black and crimson velvet embroidered over with gold and set with rubies. More rubies glittered on his fingers and in his pale braided hair.”

“the familiar gray eyes”

“It was the first real expression I’d ever seen from him, but by then I was in no mood to appreciate it”

“Renselaeus…” I repeated, then grinned. The princess was the mother of the marquis.

“Down with Merindar,” he murmured. “Farewell, my lady.”

She rolled her eyes. “My brother. He’s ten. Horrid age!”

“I have a garden—it’s my own. All the spring blooms are out.”

“beyond, purple in the distance, the mountains. My mountains.”

“I tried it from several rooms. See, the roses are there, and the climbing vine makes a frame.”

“And that Shevraeth,” I added somewhat bitterly.

“our youths killed. And sometimes not just the youths. We could have a better king, but not at the cost of our towns and farms being laid waste.”

“Who had died while trying to rescue me? Those people would never see the sun set again.”

“Just so could I envision an army trampling Ara’s garden, their minds filled with thoughts of victory.”

“That I do not know,” the man said. “I concern myself with what is mine, and I try to help my neighbors.”

“The next morning Ara seemed resigned about my leaving. She reminded me of my promise three times, then offered to brush out my hair.”

“I haven’t cut it since my mother was killed. Swore I wouldn’t until—well, she was avenged,”

“there was a strong part of me that would have been happy to sit in their garden and listen to music”

Ara sighed with happy sentimentality. “You are so graceful, like a bird. And beautiful!”

“Ara pressed her lips together, winked at me, then fled”

“a white-bearded shepherd approached from the other side, clucking to a flock of sheep”

“walked above the road where days ago I had been taken in the other direction by Shevraeth”

“A single rider on a dapple-gray. Tall in the saddle, long blond hair flying.”

“his head lifted slightly, turned, and he stared straight into my eyes”

“of course I’d been sitting, so there was no limp or bandage to give me away”

“Haven’t any coins. Shall I sweep the prints away?”

“I wish you’d been a handsome boy instead, for then I’d demand a kiss as payment.”

“the flash of embroidered sleeves and the whirl of skirts flickered between me and the king’s commander”

“one that promised such fun I could almost hear Bran’s laughter”

“The reins went flying. I grabbed at them with my free hand and thrust the meat pie into my mouth with the other.”

“somewhere behind me, a horn blared a summons.

The chase was on!”

with my right foot gave the horse’s flank a good smack. “Run!” I yelled, scrambling up.

“Oh, joy. The marquis was somewhere around.”

Then a familiar drawl, not ten paces from me: “Search the houses.”

“Did one of them have a pale yellow top? I could see him standing there narrow-eyed, looking around.”

“So my only hope was to make him so angry he’d kill me outright and save us both a lot of effort”

“And saw the Marquis of Shevraeth standing framed in the doorway”

“The Marquis strolled forward, indicated the knife with a neatly gloved hand, and gave me a faint smile.”

“I trust the timing was more or less advantageous?”

“More or less,” I managed.

“picturing the elegant marquis”

“the idea of waking up in his arms again”

“a toasted length of bread that turned out to have grilled trout, cheese, and greens”

“a castle, built on either side of a spectacular waterfall. An equally fantastic bridge lined with old trees crossed from one side to the other.”

“the floors were of exceptionally fine mosaic in a complicated pattern. Along one wall were high, arched windows”

“almost hidden by slanting rays of sun, was a tall figure with pale blond hair”

I stood with my back to the door. We were alone.

“Welcome to Renselaeus, Lady Meliara.”

He raised his cup in salute and took a drink. “Would you like to sit down?”

“The light fell on the side of his face. Like that first morning.”

“Giving a wail of sheer rage, I plucked a heavy silver candleholder and flung it straight at his head. He caught it one-handed, and set it gently in its place.”

there was my brother, tall, thinner than I remembered, and clean. “Mel!”

“Bran,” I squawked, and hurled myself into his arms.

“Mmm.” He hugged me again. “Tell me.”

“Vivid images chased through my mind: Shevraeth over the campfire”

“He strolled out like it was a ballroom floor, cool as you please”

“said you were safe in his care—what’s that?”

“I said, ‘Hah!’”

He grinned.

“reminded me of a stream in a forest. Trees grew alongside a wide running bath, all tiled and blue”

“wrapped in a cape-sized towel that had been kept warm on heatstones”

“Tiny golden birds had been embroidered at the neck and down either side”

“Tiny slits had been made at shoulders and elbows to pull through tufts of the silken underdress of pale gold”

“to me, in the suavest voice, as if I hadn’t flung a candleholder at his head a little while before”

“acutely aware of that bland-faced, elegantly dressed marquis right behind”

his mouth stayed solemn—I knew I’d seen that expression before. “Please. You have only to ask.”

“that ended rather abruptly when a candleholder—ah—changed hands”

“Shevraeth himself was there to bid us farewell”

Bran saw this, and sighed. “Another time, I trust.” I realized then that he actually liked the marquis.

Shevraeth bowed to me. There was no irony visible in face or manner as he wished me a safe journey, but my face still burned as I gritted out a stilted “Thank you.”

“Bend down, bend—ah!” Bran’s body jerked, then he fell forward, an arrow in his back.

“The last glimpse I had of Bran was of his blanched face and his anxious eyes watching me”

“Branaric, my fun-loving, trusting brother”

“We can’t win, not now,” I said, with tears burning my eyes. “But those who want to take a few of them with us when we go down, come with me.”

“My wish was to ride with steel in either hand to death and destruction”

“I saved this for you.” Oria’s pretty face was somber as she held out my short sword.

“we could hear the weird high singing of the Hill Folk’s harps, a different sound than any I’d heard yet. The sound seemed to thrum in my bones.”

“the sound of the rumbling, rushing water below, which drowned the high keening of the Hill Folk”

“My dream was always that, or partly that…”

Once again she stopped, and this time the gleam of the torches in her eyes was liquid.

“I returned to my vigil. The darkness seemed to endure forever.”

“a tall slim man with pale yellow hair”

“I was staking my life against everyone else’s. And of course there was no answer but one to be made to that.

With black murder in my heart, I flung my sword down.”

“two saddled, riderless horses, one a familiar gray”

“It was weird, dreamlike, the only reality the burning rage in my heart”

“I glared through the softly falling rain to the cold gray gaze”

the low brim of his hat now hiding his eyes.

“Ride,” he said.

“once a deer crashed through a shrub and bounded with breathtaking grace across the road”

The marquis dismounted and stretched out his hand to grip the bridle of my horse.

“Inside,” he said to me.

“I threw myself down on my knees next to the bed and hugged Branaric fiercely”

“After all, Shevraeth is merely a title, and he doesn’t go about calling either of us Tlanth.”

“Our friend the marquis wasn’t far behind—he’d just found out”

“He said you’d ride down the mountain breathing fire and hunting his blood. He was right.”

“Take a swig.” Shevraeth held out a flagon. “You’re going to need it, I’m afraid.”

“He sat back, his eyes expressive of amusement, just like his father”

“Not that the marquis had a red nose or a thick voice—he even looked aristocratic when sick, I thought with disgust.”

“That I resent,” Shevraeth said with his customary drawl. “Seeing as it is my wardrobe that is gracing your frame.”

“Bran’s husky, slow, with laughter in it, and Shevraeth’s soft, drawn out in a drawl”

“a hot tart made with apples and spices and wine”

“It was well before dawn. The marquis had woken us himself”

“He, too, stood there in only shirt and trousers, and I looked away quickly, embarrassed”

“Equal things out a little,” was the reply, still in the cool drawl. “Ready, Lady Meliara?”

“with tearing eyes returned it. The marquis tipped back his head, took a good slug”

“The marquis bowed low over his horse’s withers, every line of his body indicative of irony”

Shevraeth drawled, “we had a small wager on whether you would have the courage to face us.”

“Instinctively my free hand reached up and I caught the spear by the shaft”

“Keeping the banner whirling, I guided my horse with my knees, risked a glance over my shoulder”

“Where is Galdran?”

“Dead,” Bran said with a laugh.

“I was looking for my tunic. Or rather, the one I was wearing.”

“Mud,” he said succinctly.

“Vidanric. Sword,” Bran said, waving his index finger.

“Life! I don’t think he’s sat down since we returned.”

“Vidanric went after the king, quick and cool as ice”

“That hilltop will be all forest by winter, or I’m a lapdog.”

“besides how to lose a war, and I don’t think anyone is requiring that particular bit of knowledge.”

“Vidanric saved your life—”

“He saved it twice,” I corrected without thinking.”

“Well, you got in the way of an arrow before I got a chance.”

“searched not to kill me, but in order to save me from certain death”

“all the time planning to change things with the least amount of damage to innocent people”

“Well, it’s your name if it pleases me or not,”

“I think it’s time for you to make your peace with Vidanric.”

“not wanting to consider why I found that last suggestion even more frightening than the first”

“so—I vowed—I was done with royal affairs. No, I told myself, my work now was Tlanth.”

“Oria!” I yelled, running downstairs. “Oria! Julen! Calaub! We’re rich!”

_______

Oria crossed her arms. “Which brings us right back,” she said, “to that marquis.”

“You left your brother and the Marquis of Shevraeth without so much as a by-your-leave, and I think it’s gnawing.”

“Branaric needs three Fire Sticks?” Oria asked.

“Maybe he’s brought lots of servants?”

“If it really was Bran, I wanted to be in the courtyard to see his face when he discovered the improvements”

“with scrollwork and thin lines of gilding”

“new rugs from faraway Colend, where the weavers know how to fashion the shapes of birds”

“feeling a little guilty. I had stolen the idea of the potted trees from the Renselaeus palace.”

“Little Calaub was proud of his new-sewn stablehand livery”

“bounded up, grabbing me in a big hug and swinging me around. “Sister!” He gave me a resounding kiss.”

“Through the midst of them strolled a tall, elegant man in a heel-length black cloak—familiar gray eyes”

“and Danric there, whom you already know.”

“Do you have a welcome for me?” Shevraeth said with a faint smile.

“And the parlor! What was the cost of this mosaic ceiling? Not that it matters, but it’s as fine as anything in Athanarel.”

“I sneaked a look at Shevraeth, dreading an expression of amusement”

I sighed. “Then…I guess I’d better go back.”

“studiously ignored the other guest—as I watched her pick up two wineglasses”

Bran held up his glass and said, “To my sister! Everything you’ve done is better than I thought possible.”

“A letter that is still sitting on your desk?” Shevraeth murmured.

“That’s a drawback of a life at Court. One gets bound up in the endless social rounds and forgets other things.”

“you brought him. He’s yours to entertain.”

“random notes from the harp, a shivery pleasant sound that plucked at old and beloved memories, just as wearing the gown did”

“This is a lovely dress, and if it’s old, what’s the odds? A lady has the right to be comfortable.”

“If you will come to Athanarel and dance at my wedding, I will undertake to teach you everything.”

“What is it, do you mislike him?”

“Suffice it to say I feel better when we’re at opposite ends of the country.”

“do not want to rule. They’re merely there to oversee what their son has accomplished”

“Lord Vidanric has been working very hard ever since the end of the fighting. Too hard, some say. He came to Athanarel sick and has been ill off and on.”

“He and your brother have become fast friends”

“But then I’ve known him all my life.”

To her, it did. He was a good prospect for a king because he was her friend.

“On the evenings we were alone, Nee and I would curl up in her room or mine, eating from silver trays and talking”

“attended by someone tall, strong, naturally gifted with grace, and trained—such as the Marquis of Shevraeth”

“This left me with Shevraeth, tall and imposing in dark blue embroidered with pale gold, which—I realized as I glanced once at him—was the exact same shade as his hair”

“he held out his arm. I grimaced.”

“The Duke of Grumareth was always a fool and will always be a fool,” Shevraeth said, so lightly.

“Shevraeth addressed me in his usual drawl. Aghast, I choked. Then I saw the humor in his eyes.”

“It took everyone by surprise to find out that he was so different from the person we’d grown up with.”

Nee’s turn to shudder. “Life! I’d rather do almost anything than that—”

“silver-lit trails with the wind in my hair and the distant harps of the Hill Folk singing”

“blooming well after I was gone. “My last afternoon of peace,” I muttered.

He raised his hands and said, “I am unarmed.”

I realized I was glaring.

“No.” I couldn’t see his face. Only his back, and the long pale hair, and his lightly clasped hands were in view.

“an obvious constraint…every time we are in one another’s company will not go unnoticed.”

“Can you tell me,” he said slowly, “why you still harbor resentment against me?”

“He gave me a polite bow, a brief smile, and left”

“dark cloak belling and waving, and star-touched pale hair tangling in the wind. In silence I watched the still figure as music filled the valley between us and drifted into eternity.”

“you wouldn’t think them naked any more than a tree is naked”

“if I look one in the face, I always want to have a clean heart.”

“We had a splendid dinner in a private room overlooking the river. From below came the merry sounds of music.”

“Lord Vidanric? Will you come with us?”

“You can go in the coach in my place,” I said to Shevraeth, striving to sound polite.

“Never ride in coaches. If you want to know the truth, they make me sick.”

“He gave me a slow smile, bright with challenge”

He was still smiling, an odd sort of smile, hard to define. “A kiss.”

Shevraeth looked across at me. “Let’s go.”

And he was off, with me right on his heels.

“He glanced over, saw me laughing, and I shifted my gaze”

“At the same pace still, we reached the first staging point. Together we clattered into the innyard and swung down.”

“I waited until Shevraeth turned my way, stuck my tongue out at him, and rode out”

“Then I opened one, and there in the middle of a lovely parlor was Shevraeth. He knelt at a writing table with his back to a fire.”

“Light shafted down from stained-glass windows above, overlaying the mosaic with glowing golds”

Branaric was saying. “Well, Danric”

“After we were served, I stole a few glances at Shevraeth”

“Blue being the primary Renselaeus color, this might be misleading”

“I had to know what the Marquis of Shevraeth made of all this, and I darted a fast glance at him”

“the ones who liked dares and risks. He and Vidanric both. Only, Vidanric was so small and light-boned.”

“there we found Shevraeth waiting for us, looking formidable”

“but I now had Shevraeth standing right beside me, holding out his arm”

“Of course I know,” he returned, still in that soft voice.

“it was his choice for the first dance, and he held out his hand to me”

“I realized that he hadn’t been near me since the beginning of the evening”

“kneeling at the table, dressed in riding clothes, was the Marquis of Shevraeth”

“He did not expect to be defeated. Your brother and I rode back here in haste in order to prevent looting.”

“I apologize. I also realize trying to convince you of my good intentions is a fruitless effort.”

“I found a lovely sapphire ring sitting on a white silk nest”

“She had recently married and her husband was another horse-mad type”

“Shevraeth?” I repeated faintly.

“Sitting in the middle of the table was a fine little vase cut from luminous starstone”

“unlike Certain Others—easy to understand, and also easy to resist”

“very slender, he was dressed in deep blue, almost black, with a rare scattering of diamonds in his hair”

“Deric fell into conversation with Branaric, Shevraeth, and Renna Khialem, the subject (of course) horses”

“If a stake is won,” he said, “it is a race. If the point draws blood, it is a duel.”

“who had helped me that night. Now he was happily retired to his family village”

“lo, the Entire Court was out with us to see the Duel. Instead of Horses, I had brought big, shaggy Dogs”

“Savona swung down from his mount and took the reins in hand, falling in step on my left side. Shevraeth joined me on my right.”

“(I couldn’t bring myself to look at Shevraeth)”

“You looked right at me. Did you know that was me?”

“Will it make you very angry if I admit that I did?”

“the timing seemed inopportune for us to, ah, reacquaint ourselves.”

“second letter was sealed plainly, with no crest. I flung myself onto my pillows.”

“Dear Countess:

You say you would prefer discourse to gifts. I am yours to command”

“was glad to see the plain script of my Unknown”

“the rest would follow him to the next fad, just as if they had ribbons tied round their necks and somebody yanked.”

“I saw the common omission in all of this: my disastrous encounters with Shevraeth”

“Nothing. I don’t need anything! Or what I need no one can give me, which is wisdom.”

“I’d have to trust a man’s words before I could love him.”

“She curtsied. Again it was the deep one, petitioner to sovereign, but this time it was wordlessly sincere.”

“My heart gave a bound of anticipation when I saw a letter waiting”

“the plain paper I had grown used to seeing from my Unknown”

“I turned eagerly to the letter from the Unknown”

“Forgive my maladroitness—For an instant I was back in that corner room in the State Wing, with Shevraeth”

“So I lifted the tapestry—and looked across the room into a pair of familiar gray eyes.”

“Dressed splendidly in black and gold, as if for Court, Shevraeth knelt. For the third time that day, my face went hot.”

“to the lines of his profile. For the very first time I saw him simply as a person”

“The curl of danger, of being caught at my observations”

“Still polite, but very remote. I’d been staring for a protracted time.”

“not long after she became engaged to a Renselaeus prince”

“This time I planned my foray. When I saw Shevraeth dancing.”

“for a time we exchanged letters—sometimes thrice a day. It was such a relief to be able to express myself freely”

“well, I could sympathize. There was a person—soon to be king—whom I couldn’t bring myself to face.”

I grinned. “For someone special.”

“it sent out brilliant shards of color: gold, blue, crimson, emerald”

“I decided to simply send it in a tiny cedar box that my mother had apparently brought from Colend and that I’d had all my life.”

“Riding your gray?”

“Is that a challenge?” he replied with a hint of a smile.

“something about the tall figure made me stumble to a halt”

“the scent of chocolate threw me back to my first taste of it—at the Renselaeus palace”

“receiving his letters had come to be the most important part of my day”

“my descending on Shevraeth to inform him of whatever it”

“set aside for inside diversions: readings, music, dancing, parties, chocolate”

“Nee told me over chocolate one morning when Elenet was not there that Tamara never mentioned me but in praise”

“I hugged to myself the knowledge of my Unknown. It was comforting to realize that I would return to my room and find a letter.”

“the person whose opinions and thoughts I had come to value most”

“a practice blade thwacked my shoulder. I spun around—and gaped.

Shevraeth stood there smiling.”

“I turned away—and found Shevraeth beside me”

“He looks like a king, I thought”

“until the sculptors have finished refashioning a goldenwood throne for a queen”

“I accepted gratefully, knowing now that the food and drink would be the very best”

“that no one could reproduce the particular magic that so much skill had wrought”

found myself confronted by the Marquis of Shevraeth.

“My dear countess,” he said with a grand bow.

“He offered his arm. I took it and flushed.”

“Though we had spoken often, of late, this was the first time we had danced together”

“It was flattering to his tall, slender form. His hair was tied with a diamond-and-nightstar clasp, and a bluefire gem glittered in his ear.”

“We turned and touched hands. He had broken his reverie and looked at me quizzically: I had been caught staring.”

“so the evening went. There was an atmosphere of expectation, of pleasure, of relaxed rules”

“Shevraeth did not dance again with Elenet. I know, because I watched.”

“gasp from the watchers greeted the sudden change, as the gossamer fabric rippled and arched and curled”

“crush her in both arms, just for a heartbeat, as around them the others swirled and dipped”

“The bells of first-gold began ringing as my horse dashed past the last houses”

“for a long, amazing moment, there we were, Meliara and Shevraeth, mud-spattered and wet, just like last year, looking at one another”

“With a faint metallic ching of chain mail he appeared, and took hold of my arm. He drew me inside.”

“The marquis gazed back at me, his face tense and tired, the pupils of his eyes wide and dark”

With his old sardonic tone he added, “Because if you were, your retreat just now is somewhat puzzling.”

“He smiled slightly, but the intensity had not left his gaze”

“and too many lives were at stake for him to risk being wrong.”

“And no one else knows of this?” he asked gently.

he smiled a little. “Brace up. We’re not about to embark on a duel to the death over the dishes.”

“you have never lied to me. Eat. We’ll leave.”

“to thank him for believing me would embarrass us both. So I said nothing, but my eyes prickled.”

“I found myself alone. My cloak was gone, and in its place a long, black, waterproof one that I recognized at once.”

“in which case I was about to become a prisoner—or a ghost—or…

Blue and black and white.”

“he saw us, and his face relaxed slightly. Until that moment, I hadn’t realized he was tense.”

“Twenty wagons, Lady Meliara?” he said, one brow lifting.

“or I suspect I soon would have been part of the road.”

I unclasped his cloak and handed it over. “I’m sorry about the hem,” I said, feeling shy. “Got a bit muddy.”

“until at last Shevraeth and I were alone”

“approximately the same time you were conversing with your forty wagoneers.” He smiled.

“the glint resolved into a ring on his littlest finger, a gold ring carved round with laurel”

“You had it made,” he replied. “But now it’s mine.”

“I didn’t have to try. I raised my gaze from the ring to his face. He was smiling.”

“It is time,” he said, “to collect on my wager.”

He moved slowly. First, his hands sliding round me.

“softly, so softly, the brush of lips against my brow, my eyes, and then my lips”

“The sensations—like starfire—that glowed through me chased away all thoughts save one, to close that last distance”

“I locked my fingers round his neck and pulled his face down to mine”

“I didn’t want that kiss to ever stop. He didn’t seem to, either.”

“his breathing was as ragged as mine”

“I was going to have to learn to perform my cerebrations while dashing back and forth cross-country”

“Of course my mind snapped straight to that kiss, and for a short time I thought wistfully about how much I’d been missing”

“Shevraeth flicked me one of those assessing glances. Then he smiled, a real smile of humor and tenderness.”

“clear to me on that visit that you showed one face to all the rest of the world, and another to me”

“He lifted his cup, and there was my ring gleaming on his finger”

“He’d been wearing it, I thought, when we sat in this very inn and he went through that terrible inner debate”

“for the first time comprehended what a relationship with him really meant for the rest of my life”

“with almost disastrous results. It was only his own faith that saved.”

“leave you with the burden? Tell me, if the telling eases it.”

“He kissed my hands, first one, then the other. I felt that thrill run through me.”

“let’s address the business before us. I hope and trust we’ll have the remainder of our lives.”

“Shall we agree to a fresh beginning?”

I squeezed his hands back. “Agreed.”

“let me hear my name from you, just once, before we proceed further.”

“Vidanric,” I said, and he kissed me again.

“Who can ever know what turns the spark into flame? Vidanric’s initial interest in me might well have been kindled”

“for me, I really believe the spark had been there all along”

“The prince and princess. Savona. Tamara. Bran and Nee. Elenet. Good people.”

“Unfortunately,” I said, striving to mimic Vidanric’s most annoying Court drawl, “I find you boring.”

“Vidanric stood silently next to me, his head bowed”

“For time,” I said. “Look outside.”

Flauvic shoved past us and ran.

“By the hundreds, from all directions, the Hill Folk had come”

“his hand moved swiftly, grasping my wrist. I tried to pull free—I heard Vidanric rip his blade out of its sheath”

“arms scooped me up as the ground trembled. I flung my head back against Vidanric’s chest.”

“brought my attention home and heartward. I shut my eyes, smiling, and clung with all my strength to Vidanric as kisses rained.”

“finally—lingeringly—on my lips.

The duel was over, and we had won.”

“Vidanric thinks I am the kind of person who is destined to be in the midst of great events”

“a bright link in the living chain with which Vidanric and I bound ourselves”

“left to tell only that on New Year’s Day was Vidanric’s and my wedding”

“for possible inkstains on the fingers of the fellow you quarrel with the most”

“let me end with the wish that you find the same kind of happiness, and laughter, and love”

“hold me close. His touch still gave me that fizzing shiver inside, as strong as our very first kiss.”

“I’d gotten accustomed to Vidanric and Savona’s particular style of humor”

“But there was no time to catch up, for he kissed me, picked up his riding cloak, and then was gone”

“Nee came in, carrying my new niece. I gave a foolish grin when I glimpsed that tiny head.”

“He will be delighted,” Savona said that night. We were alone in the royal suite’s”

“Savona had become like a brother, but a sort of oblique, hard-to-comprehend”

“As it was, he nearly was late. Savona brought him in, thrusting him down by the shoulder”

“my heart, my whole attention, was reserved for Vidanric”

“Vidanric took my shoulders in both hands and gently turned me”

“glass sparkling as brightly as the diamond in his ear”

“thought your surprise would be of an entirely different nature,” he said tentatively

“He let out an exclamation of joy and grabbed me up”

“He grinned, a boyish grin”

“He carried me into our room and kicked the door shut behind us”

#quotes #crown duel #court duel #melaria #vidanric

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olivieblake · 1 year

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OLIVIE OH MY GOD I LOVE THE ANSWER YOU ARE LOOKING FOR IS YES SO MUCH LIKE SO SO SO MUCH. I loved each individual story and this book is tabbed an insane amount and sometimes there are 4 tabs per page- hold on I’ll include a picture at the end so you can see-lol I feel like normally I don’t show you because honestly no one should see evidence of my brain’s insanity but idk I feel like sharing this time? (Also please note I am Aries so just depending on my chaotic energy that day I will tab anything that I want. Sometimes it’s stuff that makes me laugh, things that I’m like oh maybe this is important, quotes I’m obsessed with, things that make me think, etc, I really just tab anything I want plus it helps me focus. I also just have some good old OCD that makes my brain decide that if I skip over tabbing something I even thought for one second should have a tab then the world is going to punish me somehow so then I must go back and tab it so that the obsession stops and the world (or at least the world in my brain) is at peace (love brains woo). This collection had me swooning at times, screaming at times (in both a OH MY GOD kind of way and an angsty my heart hurts kind of way), sad at times (I did tear up), laughing at times, and it just made me so happy. Anway, this book was truly the perfect way to end what I’m calling my Olivie year aka 2022 in general (I finished it on NYE it was perfect). I have not stopped thinking about this book since I read it. Writing this is going to be so hard because I have to leave out so many things that I loved just for the sake of space and time and everything, but hopefully one day I’ll get to see you on one of your tours again and talk your head off about it. (P.S please come to Pittsburgh for your TAC tour and celebrate in Libby’s hometown please-I know,I know you go where your publishers send you but still please)

I will say I will always have a special connection to this book (and the audiobook of LPM which I also listened to in December which was amazing the narrator was so good with all the accents and everything-refueled my love of Elisabeth and I still want one of the romance books on her and Jack hahah) just because December was an awful month on the top of an awful year and this book was really here when I needed it most. 2022 for me was a year of grief (it’s true what they say it always comes in 3s), failure, and just Murphy's law. Not one of my favorite years (I survived though as always so we are good now haha),but reading your books/watching your success this year were some of my happiest parts. I know I haven’t been here since the beginning or anywhere close to it but still seeing all your success made me so proud and so happy for you, you deserve it <3. I think fate let me find your books in 2021 because it knew I would need them in 2022. Enough with the mush for now, also you told me not to apologize about my rambling and I am holding my tongue not to, but I think I might make this one two parts-well three because Saints and Liars is going to get its own so if you have only time to day to read one part I suggest that one-to make it not so overwhelming (because I am incapable of just liking something to a normal degree)-but I should have said it towards one of the first ones please never feel like you have to actually reply to these they have always just been to hopefully bring you some happiness and appreciation that I hope you can feel through the screen more than anything. Also spoilers of course for any other people in the universe that may read this.

Oh wait I didn’t share but one of my best friends and I have a tradition of sending each other one of our favorite books of the last year and this was actually the one I sent her! I needed someone to obsess over it with me. She loved it too btw she texted me how obsessed she is with margoalec and cecilyporter she loves them so much.

Stone’s Throw: I was automatically intrigued just based on “trips and falls into another realm”. This felt very atlas vibes with all the dimensions/portals/ley lines. I just loved Salim and Jenny together, their relationship felt very soulmates/invisible string/the universe just drawing them together and you know I love those. The theme of them being mirrors of each other in some ways and two threads through the eye of one needle ugh I just love stuff like that I ate it up. From the moment she got the fax from the other dimension I was trying to figure out who it was from. My first thought was “oh wouldn’t it be cool if it was from his brother” and then slowly in the story I convinced myself that was not going to be it, so I was very proud of myself when it was finally revealed. This story just felt so unique and I love jumping portals and alternate universes and stuff so it was so fun!

-Some moments I loved: Jenny putting an exclamation point in her email to prevent herself from sounding as irritated as she felt because I do that very frequently too haha. The way you wrote how it looked and felt going through the portal was so cool I could really see it in my head and was like “woah this is trippy”. HOW HE WAS HER ONLY TRACE OF FAMILIAR AND THAT SHE BELIEVED HIM WHEN NO ONE EVER DOES. And of course it was your signature horny characters hahah. The title of the book and the story appearing THE BEST.

-Some quotes I enjoyed/reactions to them:

“Whatever it was, it was destructive and cruel even while it was handsome. It treated flattery like a noose and wielded poison like a blade.” I just really like that line. I don’t really know why but idk it resonated somehow with me.

“Is he yours?” AHHH

“Sleep was not an option. Jenny let her restless feet carry her elsewhere, to the only place she felt even remotely recognizable as herself” AND IT'S TO HIS ROOM AWWW

“His kiss, when it met hers, was fragrant with gratitude, lush with it. He opened for her as she had for him, and suddenly she thought she understood it. Portals and passage. She pulled him closer the way she would have sprinted towards something unmissable, a train leaving the station. She pried open the doors of his reservations and in response he was alight, whisking her off the platform. She felt the edges of herself blur with his, his sadness becoming hers, his loneliness cloaking her shoulders. She bled her hope into his mouth, her art, her practiced hand at beauty. She poured the meditation of her entire being into his soul.” THEM THIS AHHH LOVE

“Jenny looked up, catching his eye as Salim drank what remained of his wine, and the corners of her lips flicked upwards, helpless to a smile. He could feel himself smiling broadly at her in return, everything suddenly dulling to singular, undeniable clarity. I understand, he wanted to say, I understand now what it means to search, and he reached out, taking her hand and observing the way surprise registered on her face.” he understands what it means to search and it’s to her I’m emo

“Jenny felt Salim's chest hitch at her touch, his sharp inhale errantly mislaid. "I didn't expect it," he said hoarsely, apologetically, and she knew he meant I didn't think we would be like this, two threads through the eye of one needle. She knew he meant: I would have liked to have offered you less, to have asked for nothing in return.” SCREAMING I LOVE THIS

“It was hard to explain what happened when she met Salim. She took one look at his face, far younger than she'd expected, and felt something she could only call a sensation; another sign. Some intangible sense of purpose, of destiny and satisfaction, absolution and relief. She looked at Salim Amrani and knew, somehow, that the answer to her question was yes. “ DESTINY AND HE WAS THE ANSWER UGH OBSESSED

"We are always only a stone's throw from collapsing into another form of ourselves, in versions of lives we cannot relinquish. Luckily, the world has a way of showing us where we belong." LOVE THIS LINE SO MUCH

The Immortality Project:

One of my insta friends that I actually made through our love of your books, Katie (gingko.reads), put in one of her posts about this story that “Vigilante Shit” is the perfect song for this story and I AGREE. Actually, I think Taylor wrote the song after reading this story tbh. We love reading about two women finally getting revenge on a world/on men that took advantage of them. This story was also so funny I laughed out loud several times. The legal document format was so fun and unique. I feel like you always throw in some unique formats in your anthologies and it always makes it so fun! Loved Saffron and Nikita’s friendship in this too, felt like it showed the power of female friendship very well.

-Some moments I loved: LOL she is such a ranter but so funny (she’s me ❤️). I just have “YES GIRL GET YOUR REVENGE” in my notes 100 times hahaha. Her name on false papers to get out of the country is Cinnamon (omg just realized two spices Saffron and Cinnamon I love it!). The whole VIP thing with Dick being the VIP and the “naughty boy” things from Saffron LOL LOVE HER. And the employee telling Saffron her friend might have murdered someone and her just saying I’m not worried I’ve seen death and it’s not as cute as her haha so good. “We are advised not to die” hahaha. She thinks saffron drugged her but Saffron insists she didn’t hahahah. “Aggressively writing things down” LOL. HER WISH AWWW I LOVE IT SO MUCH WHAT A GOOD ONE, THIS IS WHAT I WANT TOO. Saffron coming to visit her at the rehabilitation center awww. Tbh I can’t tell if the story was really just a mental break for her or if the wish she did with the witch came true because Saffron has money now and is successful while the dick and all his friends are either dead or going to jail. I like to think it is the latter. The ending being that quote reemphasized ugh perfection.

-Some quotes I enjoyed/reactions to them:

“Am once again sober although not for long, ha ha. Have rung Idiot 1’s private security (once lent her a tampon & now we are of course Best Friends) asking where he’ll be and she has informed me he will be in a meeting, which means he will be in a disgusting “ ”gentlemen” “ (double quotes for Extreme Skepticism)’s club.” “It has occurred to me since awakening to a vicious sight (i.e. my face) that perhaps seduction is a method better outsourced. Will find accomplice and report back soon.” SHE IS LITERALLY SO FUNNY I LOVE HER SO MUCH

“Thus fair it is unclear where the project is based, though I assume it is a tax-sheltered island because billionaire fuckbois unimaginatively love island and boats.” LOL they do

“Things don’t always get better, she says, sometimes they just stay the same and sometimes they get worse, and she didn’t really expect to do anything or see anything and now she has.” sad but so true

“Therefore I will travel to what is inevitably an island and infiltrate it to discover the source of The Immortality Project. Once there, I will destroy it. I will destroy it with my bare hands, and then I will return to give Dick the following message: You are a small man and worse than that you are a mortal one. You will die someday though no fault of mine-I will of course outlive you because I am a woman and this is what we do-but when you do, I want you to know that I could have saved you. Instead I sat in the sun with a beer in my hand and I laughed.” YES

“It has occurred to me since awakening to a vicious sight (i.e. my face) that perhaps seduction is a method better outsourced. Will find accomplice and report back soon.” HAHAHA I love her

“I am taking a moment to myself to reflect on the fact that Dick has stolen my life from me. Worse is that I let him do it. Why have I always cared for other people over myself? Why have I nurtured a bunch of meaningless stocks instead of my own desires? It occurs to me that at least if Dick lives forever he will do something with his life, even if that something is just being egregiously bad in bed with women who don't deserve him. If I could live forever, what would I do with the rest of my life? I've lived more in the last three days than in the entirety of my prior lifetime. If I died tomorrow nobody would even remember me. The most important thing in my life is to destroy Dick for what he stole from me, which for the record wasn't my job. Dick stole my whole life right out from under me. And I didn't even notice until after he'd already fit the whole thing into a cardboard box for me to find outside my office.” ugh relatable

“It infuriates me that Dick has wealth enough to ensure that a hundred million Saffrons never see another bad day and yet he clings to it like he deserves it more than anyone.” THIS!!!

“So I say the first thing that comes to my tongue, which is: I wish that things were different. As in, I wish this were a different world, one less dominated by dicks and idiots and shitbags and more rewarding of Saffrons instead. I wish girls who didn’t quite know their own power yet would not get swept away by boys who did. I wish a man could not claim all my success for his own, just as I wish he could not simply point at me and diminish me to nothing. I wish I had allowed myself to be a little more difficult a little bit sooner in my life, because it seems like only once I got angry did my life actually start to begin.” SUCH A GREAT WISH I LOVE THIS VERY MUCH

Here is the picture of my insanity as promised:

-Amanda ❤️

well obviously I love the insanity (I always love seeing tabs, it’s such a wonderful compliment, like people who close their eyes when they eat your cooking, so validating) and I love that tradition with your friend. and I also know it was a hard year for you, and I’m so honored I was able to give you something that brought you joy. it’s nice to feel together in the ether etc etc

and thank you so much for your love for the immortality project! people don’t usually mention that one to me but I really love it. I mean, it was obviously super fun for me to write, I’m sure you can tell just by the style, but it’s really nice to see it called out in any way. I appreciate how attentive you are to every line of all my stories. thank you so much for the way you love my work!

#filling the bucket #the answer you are looking for is yes

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caatws · 10 months

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Thank you so much for sharing quotes from the commentary (and also just generally being awesome in your own comments and answers) If I may offer my thoughts on everything, I think as crazy as this may sound a bunch of misogynoir got thrown at Gamora at the very end of this journey.

We have had roughly 5 more prominent in your face deaths in gotg. Meredith, Groot, Yondu, Gamora and Lylla. Only the men in this died with any agency and the women were all killed by abusers. But with Meredith and Lylla what was done wrong to them was made clear in the narrative and anger over their abuse plus grief over the loss of their lives was justified. Gamora stands out in her death having no agency, dying all alone, having her abuse checked off as love by the narrative, getting no goodbye and the main person who was focused on having grief over her wasn't supported in his feelings.

Then you have Gamora being developed (and I use this loosely because she doesn't get much development at all ) off screen away from the guardians so that there are just enough changes due to experiences for her to count as being different. This would be fine if there was genuine investment in this that opened up to better explore Gamora. That's not what ends up happening and instead her being different is all about conflict with Peter and the fulfilling of his arc. It doesn't stop there because these differences mask some of who Gamora was at heart.

There are pieces of herself she managed to hold on to for decades and keep Thanos from destroying that became so shoved down during her time with the ravagers she struggled to grasp back on to them during her time with the guardians. This again has no purpose for her because there's no indication that she will get to continue holding those pieces once back with the ravagers. That's because it's less about what she's going through and more about having a sort of spiritual death that made it easier for Peter to let go. If she's not the same and there's very little hope of those parts of herself continuing to grow then he's forced to let go and accept Gamora is gone rather than having to make the tougher choice of being like Gamora is back but I need to do something for me anyway. Which sadly fits with vol 2 in ways it shouldn't. Ego said Meredith was a distraction from his goals. With her around he would always want to be with her instead of working on his domination of the universe. He killed her taking that distraction away. Vol 2 makes it clear what Ego did was wrong but in vol 3 while Peter doesn't kill Gamora off to get what he wants because he never would, Gunn made sure Gamora was gone enough in other ways so that she's not around anyway

I do want to say again exploring how different experiences changed Gamora wasn't a bad idea by default. It's that this isn't an actual plot in the story that leads somewhere good for her. She was a brave abuse suriving hero who helped lead the guardians and ended as a ravager. None of this was great but before all the commentary that's slowly been spilling out since May the movie was open and there was enough possibility for Gamora to have a better relationship with her sister and the guardians. It's hard to tell how much that's still true. Zoe has said she would consider coming back if people wanted because little girls look up to Gamora. How sad is it that little girls couldn't own much merch for Gamora if they wanted because hardly any was made thanks to Gunn refusing to make her a hero again who was found worthy of being placed on merch or getting any action figures.

yeah, we were definitely missing a lot of info abt gamora's relationship/time with the ravagers and how it's affected her development (esp as a parallel to how original gamora developed in her time with the gotg). like i rly needed more context there to be persuaded as a viewer that they were her "real family" enough that we saw her have a whole affectionate group hug moment with them—something we never got for original gamora with the gotg!

#madibox #the gamora situation

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fonkeloog · 2 years

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Britt's music things (deluxe edition)

Aaah, Ashe. I've been wanting to give this album a full listen through, and finally had the time. So here we go.

Ashlyn

○ release date: May 7th 2021

○ duration: 47 minutes and 3 seconds.

○ overall rating: 6.8/10

(I'm going to need a banner for this, so if anyone wants to help me out?)

Till Forever Falls Apart: 9/10

I know this song already.

FINNEAS' voice sounds so nice combined with Ashe's

I could quote this whole song if you were to ask my about my favourite part. I love it so much.

I'm Fine: 7/10

This is gonna hurt huh?

Oh. This is a fun beat with very ouch lyrics.

In fact; I feel very called out by this song.

Would've loved a bit more sadness in the melody (well... I got what I wanted with the rest of this album?)

Love Is Not Enough: 8.9/10

Ashe really said: "it's sad girl hours" when she wrote this song huh?

'Cause love is not enough // but at least we've got that much. OUCH?!

It's giving Christmas vibes? Idk it just really makes me want to put up a Christmas tree.

When I'm Older: 5/10

Kind of repetitive

There's a theme happening with this album, and I love that. But I really need a happy song on here.

Genuinely wondering who hurt Ashe? It's all so sad :(

Me Without You: 5.9/10

More sad! Who would've guessed? (Me. I guessed it)

Oh, it's a sad self love song? I like that.

The melody is kind of childish? I'm not too sure if I like that.

Save Myself: 9/10

I know this one as well, and -although it's another sad song- I love it.

The beat is fun

I think this was the first Ashe song I ever heard? It might've been Moral Of The Story now that I think about it.

Taylor: 3/10

Oh, a call-out song?

Oh, nope. More sad.

Ashe, love, give me some dancing tunes.

It's not a call-out song, but a sad song about teenage love.

Not Mad Anymore: 7/10

Oh, oh yes!

I like this

The drop is nice, but it could be a bit louder.

Always: 8.5/10

aaand we're back to sad girl hours

This one Hurts

Moral Of The Story: 6.9/10

I know this song as well. And am pretty sure this is the first song by Ashe I heard.

Would've loved for the violin in Always to go over into this song more fluidly.

The version with Niall Horan is in this album as well. Both are good

It's a solid song, but nothing too special.

Serial Monogamist: 5.6/10

I don’t know how to feel about this?

It's... Nice??

The melody is slow but makes me want to dance???

I am confusion.

Ryne's Song: 8/10

More sad piano!

A call-out song?

OH MY GOD. VERY MUCH NOT A CALL-OUT SONG

It's about grief.

Very vulnerable.

I'm near tears. This hurt a lot.

The ending absolutely broke me and I had to take a break because I was sobbing so hard.

Kansas: 4/10

The bass is nice, the build-up is really cool. But the drop is very disappointing :(

I keep waiting for that "Oh heck yes!" moment.

There is no "Oh heck yes!" moment.

Moral Of The Story (feat. Niall Horan) - Bonus Track: 7/10

Love their voices together.

Maybe I like this version just a teeny tiny bit more?

Still too sad.

-------------------------------------------------------

Summary: Sad girl hours

This album is Sad. I kind of knew that already, but Whoa.

I love her voice, and the songs are great, but I would've loved to have a happy song somewhere in the middle of this? There were a couple of songs that could've been so much more (Kansas), but in general it's a great album.

#Ashlyn #Ashe #this was fun #britt's music things (deluxe edition)

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gonewiddershins · 2 years

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1, 19, 27

1. a book that is close to your heart

The Curse of Chalion by Lois McMaster Bujold. I mean, I love almost everything this author writes but I'd only read her space opera series before this, and space opera was (at least back then) not as much my genre as Fantasy is.

It was also a very different type of fantasy from what I'd experienced. I'd mostly read grand sweeping fantasy epics before CoC, with a dash of Tamora Pierce to even things out. But I think this was the first time I'd seen adult fantasy which was less about world domination and more about people just trying to get by in the face of curses and life in general etc. Caz is a wonderful protagonist because he's so tired and so traumatized and he juxtaposes beautifully with Iselle (who is the /thematic/ protagonist) who's vibrant and a beacon of hope. The divinity-based magic system is wonderful. The way of breaking the curse is wonderfully clever. This book made me actually weep more than once. I just- //flails

It also made me be more active about searching for adult fantasy I was actually interested in, because till that point I really thought all we could have were chosen one quest narratives.

Quote:

“Any man can be kind when he is comfortable. I'd always thought kindness a trivial virtue, therefore. But when we were hungry, thirsty, sick, frightened, with our deaths shouting at us, in the heart of horror, you were still as unfailingly courteous as a gentleman at ease before his own hearth.”

19. a book that put you in a reading slump

Books put me in a reading slump when I don't actually want to read them but feel like I have an obligation to read them and then something that should be a pleasure (reading) becomes a chore. This doesn't really happen all that much, because I have a tendency to drop stories as soon as I decide they aren't doing it for me.

The Lost Hero by Rick Riordan is one of those books which I really wanted to read but had absolutely no interest in. And since I was really deep into the PJO fandom at the time, I kept trying again and again to read it, with very limited success. I sometimes got so irritated I couldn't even read other books. Terrible.

Quote: No, fuck that. I have spent enough time on this book as it is.

27. a book with a purple cover

The Grief of Stones by Katherine Addison is the sequel to the spinoff to The Goblin Emperor. It's set in this world of elves and goblins (who are really more like dark-skinned elves) and the main character is a person who can question recently dead bodies. Thara Celehar has had some bad experiences in life, despite and because of his unwavering sense of justice. He's so sad and so stubborn and so kind, and he's a large part of what makes this fantasy forensic procedural a delight to curl up with.

Quote:

“Merrem Mulinaran died three days ago. She had no children and no family in Amalo, and we are distant cousins, for our mothers were both Dechaladeise. She appointed us her executrix.”

She stopped; this time it did not appear that she was going to be able to start again. I said, “If you have come to us, you must have a question you need to ask her.”

“Yes!” she said. “Who is the dead body in her attic?”

After a moment, I said cautiously, “That seems like a very reasonable question.”

#ask meme #thank you sarah~#goblin emperor #world of the five gods #pjo #book rec ask meme

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bluesadansey · 1 year

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I’m not really in the mood to start watching something new even though I technically have a lot I want to lol, so on a whim because I feel like it I’ve started a TVD rewatch attempt let’s see if I follow through! (I’ve only seen the whole show (like 7.5 seasons I didn’t see all of s8) once but I’ve seen majority of s2-3 eps multiple times and a select handful of s1 4 and 5 eps a couple times each and most s6 eps twice since I did a rewatch of just that season in December (technically I did not finish it but that wasn’t about my follow through I just didn’t have hbomax access for a while and by the time I had it back was focused on other things again)

so anyway. notes I took rewatching the first couple episodes (my plan rn is to Not lb in the format I sometimes do because I think I’ll exhaust myself/my commitment, instead will try to either write some notes during or takeaways directly after watching the eps when I feel like it and share intermittently)

Pilot

-Elena Bonnie and Caroline are all so pretty here such pretty faces and pretty shiny hair all around

-really enjoy how cynical Elena is even as she’s trying to put on a brave “today I will smile and it will be believeable” face. especially her talking about people’s reactions to hers and Jeremy’s grief and the “the rest of the world has moved on” quote near the end I can (unfortunately) relate to a lot of this so much more than the first time I watched the show :(

-Caroline’s immediate interest in Stefan + “it’s not going to happen” I do lol knowing how this all plays out :)

-Bonnie’s ‘psychic’ ness so cute but also her predicting happiness… ironic not in a happy way. This being one of the episodes if not the episode where she’s happiest I think…

-Bonlena moments are very cute in the pilot

-running up the hill wasted on a boring moment in the pilot is so funny, but I do really like it ending with (in a sense) the first steferine moment

-so much bad and poorly aged dialogue. obviously. but then glimmers of really good dialogue out of nowhere

-I do sort of wish Damon’s crow powers had been a consistent thread. I don’t remember it being a thing after early s1? Would have been so funny

-Vicki was a standout to me rewatching this. Knowing what happens to her is so sad… Matt should have died instead of her and She should have been around for the whole show fr

-Jenna is an angel

-the dialogue is worse than I remembered overall but I’m going to say the visuals/effects are better than I remembered?

-also I actually rewatched the Pll pilot a couple days ago so was struck a bit by the similar structure of some things, they both open with the blonde girl who is killed/missing (only for TVD it’s a random girl we have no attachment to, for Pll it’s obviously Alison who is a Presence. and then it’s much later in the TVD pilot that we see Katherine who is the char with Alison haunting status for chars in s1), the focus on the liars but especially Aria/Elena’s attempts to move on from grief general quotes about moving on from the past, similar structuring to some of the Aria&Mike/Elena&Jeremy scenes. the funeral at the end of the Pll ep v Vicki being taken to the hospital at the end of TVD. There are others

-it also was very funny to me that they stress the “passion” of SE vs Matt and Elena in the pilot considering that is going to become a tag line for DE

The Night of the Comet

-Elena and Stefan waking up and both thinking ‘wow it’s so weird how I see color/am not as depressed as usual. and it’s all because I remembered what it’s like to be horny’ is hilarious sorry

-I am mad at that teacher I was mad on Elena’s behalf last episode now I’m mad on Jenna’s! Leave Jenna alone

-the way Damon put his hand on Elena’s back/shoulders in their first meeting to guide her + general manner towards her like makes me uncomfortable. Which I guess is the intention at this point

-Jenna looks so good I need her

-when Elena is telling Jenna about Stefan being on the rebound and her responding that “at least it’s another woman wait until you date a guy with mommy issues or cheating issues or amphetamine issues” find this hilarious because Stefan DOES in fact have mommy issues as we will learn, and the show treats his blood issues as metaphorical addiction issues. cheating issues no but his whole transference deal with Katherine-Elena is maybe not so different you could make the argument? like it’s not that but there’s emotional dishonesty in a way.

-also I just enjoy Elena and Jenna so much as a duo.

-I really like Bonnie’s outfit passing out Night of the Comet fliers with Elena

-Bonnie touching Stefan and getting bad vibes if such a mood

-there’s quite a bit of language iin these two episodes that’s aged badly but Caroline’s “druggies are the biggest attention whores” (paraphrased) line about Vicki particularly egregious

-Gravity playing in the SE kiss is so funny because I first watched this pre Community so now I have the Paradigms association. lol

-but also Stefan’s “it was epic” line my brain made an association to Leronica “I thought our story was epic” and SE could Never be what Logan x Veronica is smh so I was a little offended

*Also watched Friday Night Bites but actually watched most of that while working out and didn’t take notes. And I have reflections but, not that there isn’t plenty to be said about this episode but I’ll take a pass rn*

#s speaks #s rewatches tvd #I feel good about this decision I think it’s time. And I do think I’ll follow through!#I might take breaks but am *feeling* it / committed #(convo with Maze about how we’d both like to rewatch legacies but are also scared to might have triggered it.#I’m not quite ready for that but I think I’m finally ready for this)

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celgarcia7 · 1 year

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Week 9 - Ukraine Photographs from the Front Line by Anastasia Taylor-Lind

This exhibit has a somber mood. It helps to bring light to the reality that the people in Ukraine are facing, and have been facing for quite some time now. This exhibit is important because it brings awareness, that many people may not have, to the situation at hand. I couldn't help but feel a sense of sadness looking at some of the photographs within the exhibit. The artist took a topic in which she believes she needs to, and can help bring awareness to. She decided to do this by shooting raw photos, of people who's lives have been completely shaken, and tell their stories. She does so in a somewhat documentary style.

I believe this image is incredibly effective at conveying the message the artist was trying to spread. This photograph displays the reality and tragedies of this war being fought in Ukraine and sheds light on the harsh truths, these people have to live through. It depicts loss and grief, and shows that real lives are being harmed and taken.

This photo I don't think is nearly as effective at bringing the harsh realities to light. To me, this photograph embodies the honor one may feel and have fighting for their country in a time of war and need. But it doesn't tell a story, or show a moment of vulnerability. This photo does not act as a window into the reality of the citizens of Ukraine.

The captions and quotes help to add some very needed context to the photographs. I think the captions giving more than just context, but identifications for who is present in the photos as well, further conveys the message and help us understand and put into perspective that these are real lives being effected. It also helps us understand the photos in general. Without the captions, I more often than not, would have had no idea what I was looking at, or what the image was intended to portray.

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livingwithlosingyou · 2 years

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Living with Losing You - 8/28/2022

Had an off day.

Most days recently I have been fine. If anything, I have been better than fine. I finally felt like I was really shifting to gratitude, etc. This is why grief is so complex, because you have off days, period. You can feel amazing for three days and then feel like you are emotionally spiraling out of nowhere. No trigger, just because. So, today was one of those days.

And look, I had a mostly good start to my day. Besides when I immediately woke up. I had a nightmare that I had to have another funeral for you, and hated reliving “burying you” again. I woke up thinking that you had texted me, and I quickly realized that was not the case. The dream was my reality. It sucks.

This was likely why I had off day today. But anyway, I took Sadie to her camp, and headed to North Park to meet with one of the Young Professional Church group leaders. We had a wonderful conversation, and I opened up about you and some of the things i have struggled with over the last 6 weeks (and also opened up about some of my other struggles in general). She is helping me get connected to other groups as well, and has been very encouraging. I am so glad that I found this church, and am very excited to have a faith filled community to lean on. Lord knows I need some new friends (really though, he does know). There is a bonfire tomorrow night that I am going to attend after practice, so I am pretty excited about that.

in between this meet up and church, I ran to a GF bakery that I had heard of for years, but had never been. I have to say, WOW! They had such incredible options. I still have not tried everything I bought, but i was very impressed. Maybe some of the best GF break I’ve ever had. No offense to the usually spot that I go to, but I think this one has them beat. I still love them both though, and will continue to go to both. It was nice to find a spot that you and I hadn’t been to yet, sometimes this town feels haunted by memories. I know it’s cause it’s still early, but this reminded me that I still have a lot of memories I will make on my own in this town. So many things I can experience here still.

I rushed back to church (I was a little late, sorry God lol) but the service was great. I wanted to share a quote that really stuck with me:

“The cross teaches us how to live, not only how Jesus died”.

The sermon was about us really asking who Jesus was, and how does that say what we are?

It spoke on how there is joy on the other side of the cross. The story of God is moving into the darkness toward people, and how we need to help others who are in that darkness. How we each have the holy spirit to empower us to participate in the mission of God.

This really made me think about my legacy, and it made me ask myself, how am I showing Christ’s light through my life? How am I serving God? How am UI serving the community?

After church I went home and started to play some guitar and sing some covers. I noticed I have been extremely tired since the meet on Friday, so I did end up taking a nap today which was great. I woke up, played a little more music, then went to go and pick up Sadie.

When I got home, I just still felt this looking sadness that I have honestly felt all day. Once the things that were taking my attention stopped, I found myself in the memory bag, grabbing the things we shared and holding them as tears welled in my eyes. I just miss you so much, James. And, I miss you everyday, but for some reason today it just hit me so much harder than usual.

I continued to go through things as I cried and said out life that “life isn’t fair”. It jsut feels like a nightmare that I relive every time I wake up in the morning. It’s extremely painful. I keep reminding myself that I have to continue your legacy and I need to focus on healing myself to be able to do that. I know you want me to be happy, and that you want me to do the things that bring my joy, and brought us both joy. Sometimes it’s just hard to face the things we liked to do without breaking down. That, or I just randomly break down since it’s still fresh.

I decided that I needed to get out of the apartment, so I took myself to dinner at Liberty Station. I ended up going to Stone and ordering a very yummy salad and a seltzer. The night was beautiful, it was exactly what I needed. Once I finished up, I walked into their public market. This place is SO cute. I ran into this booth that was filled with cat stuff, so naturally I stopped. I talked with the owner for a little while, and ended up going home with a baby blue ball cap that says “Cats and Money”. This was a great buy, and an overall great night. Solo dates should be normalized. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

I headed home so I could walk Sadie, and then ate an ice cream cone as I talked to Erika. I told her that it’s hard because I wish I felt you stronger, but it’s likely I am subconsciously closing myself off because it’s still all painful. It really is so painful. I still do not quite know how to even describe it unless I am putting it into a song or a poem. Even then it almost feels like I am down playing it.

I am currently sitting in bed now. Sadie is laying on her back on what was your side of the bed (but then became hers after the first time you went to rehab, and she made sure you knew it too lol). She is so cute. I really am so happy that I have Latte and her to keep me company. They drive me crazy sometimes, but most things that we love do at some point.

Anyway, I have a very long day tomorrow between work, putting together stats for practice, practice, and then the bonfire. I really need to go to bed. I also just realized that I have to do the online portion of my CPR/First Aid training before this Thursday evening. I need to somehow make time for that... I’ll figure it out.

I always tell you Good Night and Good Morning, and that I love you. I hope that you hear it, I am sure you do. I am sure you say it back in heaven <3.

Rest in Peace, James Burton Nichols. You were my favorite hello and my hardest goodbye.

10/1/1993 - 7/16/2022

In order:

1 - Cry sesh this afternoon ruining my cute makeup (I tried to blend it, but I realized that the tear stains stayed on my foundation, even at dinner. #lovethatforme

2 - The dinner with a view

3 - A screenshot from the excited video I posted on instagram

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humansun · 2 years

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informal BOOK REVIEW: kira-kira

Written Wednesday, July 27th, 2022 at 12:45PM

Kira-Kira was so good, wow. What the hell. I feel like I needed to read that story even if I didn’t want to. I knew it was sad and I like books that are a bit more challenging (even though all books are challenging for me). It was a great reminder of how powerful a story can be no matter how simple!

Favorite Quotes and My Reactions to Them: “I saw the sun again, a quarter of it, and then a slice, and then it disappeared, the last time ever that the sun would set on a day my sister had lived.” - Katie, p206

Wow. Ow. How. This one struck me like a knife. Like, to connect the life of a person you love to your day, to the sun, to the world...that is so deeply moving in a way I can’t even fathom or process or describe in words.

“Lynn could take a simple, everyday object like a box of Kleenex and use it to prove how amazing the world is.” - Katie, p224

Wow. This line and just the last chunk of pages towards the end of the book taught me a powerful lesson that I have not really pondered on my own. A person's life contains value no matter what they achieved in their life. I always think that I would be useless if I don't do anything or produce anything, but I'm not. It is a person's impact on those around them that allows their legacy and life to live on. This is so painfully beautiful. Wow.

Miscellaneous Thoughts: Katie’s character development as a whole is so relatable as a little sister, but also powerful and moving. It was like I went through the whole grief process with her, goddammit! One of my favorite aspects of the story is the small notes of nostalgia that I recognize in my own life (i.e. Katie deeply admiring Lynn’s penmanship - that is ME. Me with Julie.)

God, wow, jeez. I normally don’t like sad stories or sad content in general, but this was very much needed. I feel like I built character myself. Wow. God. Wow.

What I've Learned About Storybuilding: It was hard getting through the beginning part of the book (this is me with every book I read), but I understand how crucial and necessary it is to set the scene, set the character’s dynamics on their own and with other characters, and also develop the story for readers to swallow how important everyone is to each other and how their world is in the ordinary moments. This book could have described a story that happened between split seconds, and it still would have done an incredible job at pacing every moment where it needed to be.

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justalads · 3 years

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c!niki and c!wilbur enjoyers. pspspspspspsps

alright guys so last night i rewatched pretty much all of the pogtopia arc. and this isn’t meant to be a big, important analysis post (it’s kind of incomprehensible), because my brain is fried from, you know. rewatching pretty much all of pogtopia. but i do have some stuff i’d like to say.

(this also just became a niki meta sorry i love her. i really just got emo about her during the second half of this and it got long. i have a lot of feelings about her and wilbur’s friendship.)

it’s a pretty general conclusion that wilbur’s real “downfall” began on october 8th, during the stream “who are you go away”. of course, his spiral and the process of him losing faith had begun much earlier, more around the end of the first war or during the election. but the big switch, so to say, was definitely here, when as wilbur walks back from schlatt’s announcement, he asks tommy if they’re the bad guys.

this entire scene was so interesting to me. wilbur here is a man who has lost hope, someone who is backed into a corner morally and has nothing left. he points out that they can never really reclaim l’manburg without forever tainting it, and that schlatt knows this. the entire half an hour or so before, schlatt has been taunting wilbur about losing that power. the emphasis of the festival on “democracy” is so clearly a barb thrown at wilbur, and it works.

wilbur’s “nothing left to lose” in this vod is a mirror to niki’s “you know what they say about a woman who has nothing left to lose”. this will not be the first time they mirror each other.

basically, wilbur’s angry. when schlatt announced the festival, wilbur realized that maybe it wasn’t a terrible thing. so once he worked around into the mindset of “we’re the bad guys”, he was able to justify saying he was going to blow up the nation with no remorse. he wants chaos! he wants no survivors!

does he do it? god no.

during the streams leading up to november 16th, wilbur is consistently scared. he goes back and forth on it, and makes multiple “conditions” that determine whether he’s going to do it or not, almost begging someone to stop him. he whispers to himself that he’s scared, that his hands are shaking, that he’s not sure if it’s the right thing to do. because despite what he says about “not caring about any of them”, the instant niki is threatened after tubbo’s death, wilbur walks up to schlatt and tells him that if he’s going to kill anyone it should be him. later, when quackity and tommy talk him down from pressing the button, he can’t press it because they’re there and he can’t bring himself to kill them as well.

but he has no problems with putting his own life at risk. he refuses to wear armor half the time, and actively places himself in harm’s way to save others. he still cares about everyone else, as much as he says he doesn’t. even when he does cause harm to others, during november 16th, he immediately begs phil to kill him. “look, they all want you to.” he can’t live with what he’s done, and how he’s hurt people, but he couldn’t allow manburg to continue.

the man is terrified and angry and he can’t win. and even as he tries to stuff himself into the mind of someone who doesn’t care, he cannot. when he finally does, he cannot live with being that person.

but the reason i rewatched this arc was to see niki’s point of view, especially after her statements during her last stream. i genuinely think that wilbur’s only betrayal of her was pressing the button, because he betrayed everyone. they might have known he was going to do it, but they had faith he wouldn’t.

wilbur cared a lot about niki. her life under schlatt was awful, wilbur hated that she was suffering, and the scene where wilbur plants himself directly in the center of the festival and tells schlatt to kill him instead hits pretty hard. he has the argument with schlatt, and then turns to niki and tells her to run. he then hits people and sprints away, trying to give her time to escape.

this is also when he asks her to join pogtopia, because now that schlatt has said he’d kill her, it’s a safer place for her.

so the man did care about her. niki is angry at the memory of him that she has. it’s been twisted by time and her own grief and paranoia.

in rewatching pogtopia, i realized that a lot of people hate the memory of wilbur. not him, and what he did. they think he didn’t care. and to quote hamilton (apologies):

“history obliteratesit paints me in all my mistakes”

does niki have a right to be mad at him? absolutely. he caused direct harm to her by blowing up l’manburg, once it was reclaimed. but she’s wrong that he never cared.

(an interesting note: wilbur only blows it up after techno starts fighting people outside. he hears it, and says “look, they’re fighting”. he didn’t re-initiate the conflict of the country. the fact that even after peace was won people were fighting just gave evidence to his belief that the entire country was corrupted.)

niki has been hurt a lot, and wilbur has things to answer for. but we as the audience know that her statements are just her perception. she is a character who acts on perceptions. the entire stream was in black and white. during doomsday, upon seeing wilbur log on (as ghostbur), niki has a panic attack and destroys her bakery, trying to rid herself of the pain of the memories. her lines during this stream are chilling, whispered repetitions that are a mirror of wilbur’s end.

(paraphrased, it was long and confusing but there are a few bits and this was the essence of it)

“wilbur is gone. this isn’t happening. he is dead. l’manburg is gone.”“it is real, i am real, he is real and he is dead.”“l’manburg is gone, i am real, i am l’manburg”.

(god. dude i could spend Months analyzing this one stream alone. there’s so much here.)

doesn’t that sound a bit like “my unfinished symphony”? wilbur and niki both attach their own self to the nation they fought for, and can see it as an extension of themself. they both destroy parts of it in acts of fear, attempting to save everyone else from what they’ve made.

what i pulled away from niki’s stream is that she’s not healing. i remember the chamber she locks herself in at night. i remember her refusal to eat. i remember how she was so angry at tommy, and she later realized that anger was misguided. niki genuinely believes that wilbur did not care about her, and that’s not surprising: when he died, she denied the fact that he was gone. she represses the things that she can’t handle, same as lots of other people. it is easier for her to pin her hurt on wilbur, because she needs somewhere to pin it. people feel more in control if they’re angry, not sad.

the song cc!niki said was for her character really emphasizes this. it’s a coping mechanism.

but even condemning wilbur won’t help, because she will still never get closure. niki cares about what others think of her, and so she can’t move on from someone hurting her. she can’t move on because she thinks he hated her. she is angry that he is back, but it is an opportunity for her to heal. she couldn’t heal when he was gone. she’s not the only one with a negative perception of wilbur, after all. he has one too. the two of them really need to talk.

i want niki to be healthy and safe. i want to see her heal so badly, and i do think it will happen. after wilbur died, his betrayal of her stayed with her, and it eventually became her memory of the betrayal that she hated, not the thing itself. it’s been months since it happened. niki wants to find an outlet for her hurt, because she wants to feel better. there’s a pattern i noticed: she only gets mad at people once she hasn’t seen the person themself for a while. and once she sees them and talks to them, and realizes that they care about her and don’t want to hurt her, she stops blaming them for it. she only hates her perception of them. example one? tommy.

man was in exile for a long time, and when he came back he “brought” fighting. that’s how niki saw it. but the fact that after she spent time with tommy (trying to kill him but. details, details) she forgave him because she saw it wasn’t his fault is a really good sign.

i genuinely think that speaking to wilbur will help niki, and it will also help wilbur. after all, they both hate wilbur. the entire perception of wilbur as some heartless, crazy manipulator needs to be shattered for both of their sakes. they both buy into it.

i want niki to know that others care about her, and that she has places she can feel safe. she hates that wilbur is invading the syndicate, because she’s scared of his memory hurting her. i don’t think wilbur will hurt her on purpose, because even though he sees himself as awful, he doesn’t hate her. he never did. usually, with people who have hurt someone else, i want them as far away from the person they hurt as possible. if wilbur does hurt niki i’ll probably cry. but again, it’s not him that hated her, or really him that hurt her in the way she thinks he did. when wilbur was dead, niki didn’t get any better. her memory of him festered and made her feel worse. that’s also why niki killing wilbur or hurting him somehow wouldn’t help her heal. i want wilbur to explain that he didn’t hate her. is wilbur even close to self aware enough to help niki? nah. this is going to take a Long time, and it’s going to hurt.

last thing i swear lol

during niki’s stream, she says that wilbur manipulated her. again, i watched pogtopia last night, and i’ve watched the rest of season one recently as well. i genuinely don’t see it. but i do think i know why she said it.

during season one, wilbur doesn’t manipulate niki. he doesn’t have a chance to later, he’s dead. so then, what is she talking about? of course it’s a perception, same as a lot of her other claims. i think she’s talking about how she cared for l’manburg.

niki joined the server as wilbur’s friend, to join his nation. she grew to care for l’manburg. she devoted herself to it, same as he did. but doomsday showed us that she hates that. in niki’s eyes, l’manburg only brought pain for people, and because she ties herself to it, she hates that she ever cared about it. she can’t allow herself to care for it, because it was used to hurt. so how does she cope with knowing that she once did? she pretends she didn’t.

if she can convince herself that it was wilbur who convinced her to care about l’manburg, she can avoid blaming herself for her own pain. and yeah, she shouldn’t blame herself for it. it’s not her fault. the entire situation is tragic and a little hopeless and once again really makes me hope that she recovers. l’manburg was ruined for her by others. schlatt, techno, dream, wilbur. again another place where she and wilbur are similar: they convince themselves they never cared about l’manburg because of the hurt it caused.

to summarize: wilbur’s going to get a shock soon. don’t know when, but probably the prison visit. something is going to shake his perception, the story is hurtling towards that. once he is able to take responsibility for what he did, and feel safe (because a lot of what he does now is out of fear of being alone or useless), then he and niki need to talk. niki needs something to get her out of her own head. she’s spiraling too. they are essential to each other’s recovery because of how much they meant (and mean) to each other.

anyways i miss early season one niki i liked it when she was happy :(

~ Lad 2

#wilbur #c!wilbur #niki #c!niki #dreamsmp #dsmp #mcyt #rp #long post #dreamsmp analysis #dsmp analysis #revivedbur #pogtopia #lad speaks

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